We use these words “ broken” and “damaged” as if we’re an object. All we are is hurt. Hurt by people who were supposed to love us. We simply have sat with that hurt for too long , either ignoring it or not knowing how to move on from it. We’re just in need of some healing, work on ourselves and then we’ll be able to find our happy place.
I messed up. I can’t keep doing this. I was doing so well too. I don’t know how these thoughts creeped in. I can’t do this anymore. I don’t what came over me. It was a mistake. It won’t happen again. I won’t let it happen again. I going to heal. I’m going to force myself to. I would never do or say these kinds of things to anyone else. So no. I’m not going to do this to myself anymore. I can’t. I can’t.
i did actually attend a catholic school as a kid because it was the only school within walking distance and my parents worked all week so they couldn't drop me off elsewhere and while i was there one of the other kids stabbed me through the hand with a pencil during a fight so i guess i'm like. 1/5th stigmatic.
PART 1 : "From strangers to friends
Friends into lovers
And strangers again?"
[this is my final goodbye piece. i want heal.]
i met a guy on Twitter, he randomly followed me one day and i saw that but didn't follow back... his account was an NSFW account. after scrolling and looking at his account trying to figure out who this was ... i listened to his audio... i liked his voice (I find voices attractive). so i then went on to compliment him in his DMs ( so odd bc i dont never DM people i don't know). i didn't think he would reply. however, he had now followed my private Twitter account as well. i didn't let him in as i didnt know him and that's a place for my friends. (I lose my mind and retweet cat pics all day). Anyway, he answered my messages and we got to talk it was so light and funny and easygoing. boom i could feel my guard sleeping down. i then after talking to him for what didn't feel like hours ( it was ) decided to let him into my private Twitter account. we started talking more and one thing led to the next i added him on Snapchat so we could (I'm embarrassed to say this) we could have phone s3x. it was fun, it was a rush and i did think that was that and we would move on. from one random day on the 5th of Feb 2024 it turned into 61 days of wholesome, funny sweet messages and calls with some lustful moments ... until it wasn't... ( to be continued )
I wonder if you still think of me....I'm so fucking high right now and you are back in my fucking head. Thinking of that last night... Why didn't I just answer your questions. It was so awkward. I wasn't sure why I was there. Like I thought I could save things. Maybe I could have. Maybe you still think of me. Maybe there is something missing in this new thing you have going on. I am missing you less and less each day and I am terrified of not missing you at all. I will hold your ring for you until you want it back. I know you don't see these but anything is possible. I am probably only letting myself do this because of how high I am. I miss you, your lips, your imperfect smile that was so perfect. The way you used to talk to me when we were exploring each others bodies. Doing "the thing". All the goofy faces you made in the pictures you sent. I still have your body wash in my shower and your Nike hoodie that was in my pillow for so long. You did not think that I loved you like I did and I get that. I only wanted to give you time to focus on yourself. I didn't think you would look for someone to fill that spot i once filled in your heart. I meant for us to work on yourselves. Alot of things were changing and I wasn't sure how to deal with it. Then when I saw the cut marks on your thigh(fuck! I miss those too). That bothered me so much. I didn't want to be around that kind of thing again. All the sadness, depression, lack of trust. I couldn't end up where I was in the previous relationship. That wrecked me. I made you a promise that I was yours... I wasn't going to go anywhere and I just needed to focus on all of the things I was going through. You scared me. It's still hard to think about someone else's hands all over the body that I adored and worshipped. As childish as it may seem...I hope he is lame in bed and you think about me and how I always made your pleasure my #1 priority. I'm not sure anyone can make me miss that part of you. We worked soooo well together. And we fit so well together every time we were wrapped up in each others arms. How every night we spent together we always fell asleep the exact same way. Always with my arm under your head and your hend on my chest. There is a lot that you think I never paid attention to...You will probably never know.... Im sorry. I'm am glad for the time we had and that I got to experience you and help you get out of the dark place you were stuck in. There are sooo many memories that I will cherish. And I will never forget your voice when you sang. Or the very slight lisp you had on certain words when you talked. Threatening me with the mellows or that gluten free boy. And all the other little things that were just ours. There is sooo much. ♥️💔❤️🩹
If you miss me...You know where to find me. I will still always be here for you.
If you’ve been prone to it your whole life, the codependency creeps up on you, and your stubborn-self will come up with so many ways to justify your behavior… while self-abandoning again.
I can resist that. I can trust in myself and know it’s not selfish. I cannot pour from an empty cup - I don’t even need to pour if I don’t want to.