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rawliverandcigarettes · 1 year

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For the fanfic director's commentary, I'd love to hear your thought process behind Anetha—especially (if you're willing to share) hints about her side of the story post–Chapter 8 of Halfway Home. If that's too spoilery or involved, more general rambles about Chapter 8 would be cool as well!

Hey thank you so very much for the ask!! I'm super sorry about the time it took me to get to it!!

Actually, I kind of wanted to have Chapter 17 out so I could dive deeper into her psychology without revealing anything about her attitude towards The Event and without spoiling anyone. But now it’s done, it’s here, it’s messy: I think we have enough pieces to start unraveling what’s going on in her brain.

That being said, spoilers for Halfway Home below for those who may dabble --and beyond the plot spoilers: I think that if you want to keep your opinion on Anetha neutral, or decide for yourself first by reading the whole thing and then potentially coming back, it might be a wise thing to do so because we're truly vivisecting my girl in the reply.

(edit post me writing the answer to the ask: WOW I rambled like CRAZY, so also beware that I do ramble like crazy oops)

So Anetha… Honestly kind of appeared in the story as I was drafting it?

The very very first draft that I ever did, that was actually in French (!), initially only explored Rhanda and Shandri (and Rhanda and Nagatha used to be the same person too), and Anetha was added compulsively because I felt like there was a giant room for conflict begging for someone to take up that space and act a little cooler and more rebellious than the rest of the cast, and that Shlee needed that sort of energy in his life (though the stakes were much lower at the time –or rather, they were as bad, but I had yet to understand just *how bad*). I think that, partially because she erupted into the story rather than being carefully placed there, she was the first character to click for me and the rare beta-readers at the time. Her motivations and psychology didn’t really change since 2017, I merely streamlined them over the course of the drafts –the scenes with Anetha in the spotlight may hold the prize for highest percentage of scenes that barely changed since draft 1 actually!

In the first draft, the breaking point between Shlee and Anetha used to happen in much more defused way. The moment when they were separated was extremely different: chapter 8 used to have a much more traditional Mass Effect flair and involved an attack by batarian slavers, fucking Jondum Bau was there (fun fact: Accano used to be Jondum Bau for a very long time –Accano is actually the conglomerate of two different turian characters that were both scrapped, Jondum Bau and Mordin Solus that were all squished into the blackpink icon that we know and love the slightly unnerving STG agent with a Mission TM), and Shlee was forcefully separated from Anetha during the attack.

Then, it was while Shlee tried to contact her from Omega that the first seeds of doubt about her intentions were planted, especially since the story used to have one of Anetha’s exes showing up and trashtalking the hell out of what she was like as a girlfriend, forcing Shlee to see his sister from an outside perspective for the first time (I still kept her setup in Chapter 3 because I think it still reveals some of these dysfunctions and they're interesting as a pattern). Then, there was the “hey” scene, that cemented the fact that Shlee kind of hated her guts now.

Beyond the fact that I made strides to make the story punchier and more compact by dropping a lot of storylines, and this could be condensed significantly while making my point clearer (deepening not widening etc), I decided that dropping the attack for something that was much more… mundane, in a way, helped to reveal an uglier interior facet of Anetha’s brain –though one that I, sadly, believe to be much more relatable than it may seem at first glance.

(I mean, traveling semi-illegally via a spaceship that side-hustles by smuggling batarian refugees from point A to point B and then being caught by border control is not exactly a regular or normal occurrence, but it could have just been a weird anecdotal bleep on their journey if Shlee didn’t brutally discover that he has much more in common with these batarians than his sister through his absence of administrative existence and being, therefore, inherently illegal).

So I’m going to be relatively vague with the details since Anetha will be dissected further both in The Empire of Preys (though not a lot since she was younger and kind of existing in the background) and Override (where she will be a PoV character yaaay I’m excited for thaat), but to keep it simple: Anetha’s circumstances were already messy as hell before Shlee even showed up.

This is all hinted at in Chapter 8, but I do get into deeper details here, so… vague spoilers? I don’t think they are, but I do expose the events from her perspective, which I didn’t really do before so beware!

The relationship of her birth mother Priin and Rhanda was very complicated (and not even because of Rhanda!! wow), forcing Anetha to build up huge emotional walls to protect herself from her mother’s wild strides in the mental health department since she was a child, culminating in the moment where she had to take care of a SA emergency all by herself –leading to Rhanda taking the ONE (1) good responsible decision of her life and breaking up with Priin, which unfortunately led her to become unstable and distant and then pushed her to the breaking point when Priin ended up taking her own life years later, even though they had not spoken in years.

So Anetha was holed up to her aunt (not yet a bajillionaire at the time) and her weird human boyfriend while the only parent she had left went to fuck off somewhere to avoid exploding in front of her daughter and making the damage even worse. Anetha hated that move, feeling abandoned and burdensome and reacting by becoming as spiteful as she could towards her Dad, especially when said Dad returned with a small child and another failed relationship, a child she also dumped on her lap to go work on Illium soon after (this moment is much more complicated than this, Anetha understood what she wanted to understand, but TEoP is a lot about that exact moment so I'll keep it vague for now).

And then, just a few years later…… Rhanda returns, pale as a ghost, wrecked with something she will not speak about, only for Anetha to discover that her Dad has a literal stolen child stored in the trunk of their car, then transfered to the bedroom of the apartment they all share.

Anetha’s aloofness is a survival strategy. It is basically all she has to defend herself from the people in her life, who should know better yet do not, consuming themselves in extreme behaviors at the slightest opportunity (Priin being Priin, Rhanda being Rhanda, even Nagatha deciding to Uno Reverse the free marketplace and becoming a kingpin for the Great Kapital qualifies I think –I could talk for hours about the two T'selvi sisters and how they mirror each other but that’s what TEoP is for so I will calm down and focus on the ask sorryyy). There’s a reason why Edwood, of all people, is probably the best influence in her life (shoutout to Edwood for being the only normal, not-unhinged person in this entire clusterfuck) and why she took after him so much.

I think what’s complicated with her, is that while she’s developing this whole rebellious, no-strings-attached, too-cool-for-you persona to master her emotions and avoid hurt at all cost (especially anything tied to abandonment and grief), she’s also constantly put in situations that demand her to be responsible: beyond her upbringing, she was effectively the adult in both Shandri and Shlee’s life for a good chunk of it, as Rhanda was unable to provide the basic necessities of safety and care more often than not. Not to mention: she knows full well her family is doing serious criminal things that nobody bothers explaining to her, and she must shoulder the burden of being put in constant danger for reasons she can’t begin to fathom. Every time she tries to grasp some normalcy in her life, the people who are meant to protect her put everything in disarray, and then demand her to be mature and practical and unflinching as if that’s, like, a reasonable thing to ask of a teenager forced to brace through the notion that everyone she loves is being tracked down by government officials. Even something as simple as her last name, she’s asked to abandon.

So THEN comes Shlee, and this makes everything so much more complicated for her.

Shlee is the literal representation of everything going wrong in her life: a growing organism forcefully brought in from outside; alien, diseased, destroying every safety net she may have built for herself, soaking up Rhanda’s attention as well as being the direct reason her Dad became the most deranged version of herself to date, something that may drop dead if not cared for correctly, and worst of all –something that demands that she acts as an example for his own growth, forcing her into a caretaker role whether she wants to or not through imprinting.

And he will die in like 30-40 years, which, fucking great, that's like in five years for her, and so the last thing she wants to deal with emotionally on top of everything else. So this is why she refuses to engage with him for such a long time: it’s too messed up on too many levels, and she wants to preserve herself from the general madness (understandable honestly).

During the first brush with Accano, Anetha basically has the exact same thought process that would come back to haunt her in that fateful chapter 8: Accano represents the authority of the state. The STG agent may be a maniac that will destroy her and everybody else, or he may be normalcy and order offering her a way out a situation that is getting more and more out of control. Maybe Rhanda did kidnap a salarian child in a crazed frenzy, and the best course of action would be to reunite him with his people.

And what a relief that would be.

So of course, that doesn’t happen and then Shlee starts becoming an actual person in her eyes, one she has to spend time with and care for; in so many words, a new constant in her life. There’s the component of being won over in spite of herself as he becomes sharper, wittier and a partner in their survival and co-raising of Shandri, aaaand of course there’s the other component of Shlee being her only concrete way to get back to Rhanda in any significant way.

She does want to help Shlee become his own person, like Edwood helped her once; her behavior is not manipulative on purpose, but her subconscious also sees this opportunity to take back control over the narrative by overpowering Rhanda’s influence over Shlee’s life and becoming his new reference point, his new everything, in no small part for the spiteful pleasure of ripping the last shreds of stability her Dad still has after being forced to survive her whims for so long. She really wants to sweep Shlee away and save him from Rhanda, preserve him from the unbearable fate of rotting by her side, but Anetha also wants to know that for once in her life, she won’t be the one to mend the pieces of what once was.

So OKAY now we’re here (sorry this has basically turned into a short story length-wise, I think this is a result of concentrated blorbo frustration of not being able to talk about them with that level of details accumulating over 7 years; expect the same kind of outbursts once I am allowed to talk about Nagatha, or Jurlan, or even Rhanda in greater details 😭).

Chapter 8. The Citadel Border Control has her brother pinned down as everything he technically is: someone that will inherently destroy her life through the simple fact that he exists. At this point, Anetha’s brain is overridden with the refusal to be shoved back into Rhanda’s crimes kicking and screaming. She’s livid. She feels trapped and overwhelmed, and she’s been training her emotions to initiate shut down upon meeting a critical point of fear, powerlessness and general absence of safety. Empathy is the first thing to go when it comes to protecting herself. Maybe, if Shlee didn’t take the snap decision of running away, she might have calmed down and figured things out with him in a detention cell somewhere, but both of them are basically as emotionally triggered as it gets, and so Anetha shuts down while Shlee panics and makes a drastic decision to not trust her and save himself.

And Anetha does not take kindly to being abandoned and left to puddle in Shlee and Rhanda’s mess Yet Again.

There’s other reasons why she doesn’t reply to his texts to begin with –having to deal with Citadel Border Patrol to begin with, and then more that will be explored in Override. But in essence, once she’s let out, Anetha is pretty much… free. Free to figure herself out without the pressure of her insane family getting in the way (oh no does that sound like someone else we know having a similar character arc somewhere else surely not, a foil in my fanfiction it's more likely than you think etc).

Of course, there’s that pesky guilt and her complete refusal to handle grief in any way, and that feeling does linger, and so her willingness to handle the situation upfront is very much hindered by this (beyond the practical reasons why she might not be able to help). The whole “hey”/”hey” fiasco really does nothing for either for them (I think it was the best she could do and the most she was willing to leave herself open, and Shlee shutting that down meant every single one of her walls was back up and reinforced). The passive-aggressive nature of their conversations through bank expenses made mostly off her own paycheck is also a very bad way to communicate, and most of what Anetha sees for a year are receipts for ridiculously expensive cocktails and cheap bomb shots from Afterlife. Doesn’t really help our frog’s case as far as she’s concerned (even though she does realize it’s probably a bad sign and probably her fault that a shy nerd like him would be taking that hard of a plunge towards alcoholism, regardless of the reasons why –but she’s also pretty much there herself sooo not the best at recognizing the pattern).

Also she’s having mercenary times and they are Bad Times. Doesn’t help with the whole numbness/detachment problem either.

Speaking of Eclipse: the whole mercenary thing comes from that urge of trying to reconcile her desire to be independent and freed of responsibilities with that yearning for safety in a world where she’s always yeeted out of what is normal and safe without her consent anyway, starting with the fact that she’s pureblood and inherently looked as wrong –and just the general romanticizing of herself as a stone-cold badass as a way to one-up Rhanda on her own field, aaaand maybe a little bit a way to feel closer to her/make her react, because to be frank a lot of Anetha’s bullshit is about wanting Rhanda to react to said bullshit and act like a responsible parent, and be there, and not abandon her/de-prioritize her constantly, and be a source of stability rather than an endless distress generator.

(the seed being planted by the mercenaries hired by Nagatha at one of the most stressful points of her life is actually a rather late addition, but I think it works!)

But yeah, Anetha has SO MANY similarities with Rhanda it’s both hilarious and pretty tragic, but I’m really discovering how badly that's the case while working on The Empire of Preys, and… yeah. Generational Trauma. It’s a thing.

To conclude my ridiculously long answer to your ask: I’m sorry I spewed an entire essay about Anetha’s brain, but also I’m so happy you gave me an opportunity to pry her open for everybody to see the gunk there. Honestly a good half of the joy of getting other eyes than mine on Halfway Home is to watch them grapple with their emotions towards Anetha, as she can make herself so easy to love, and then immediately sooo hard to love. But I do love her (but I’m biased since I love literally every character except maybe… like one and a half? fuck içalec all my homies hate içalec), and so I’m really happy you were kind enough to encourage me to deepdive into her edgy brain!!!