#No I don't have regrets about ending our relationship. You have a lot of stuff you need to work through | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

Visit Blog

Explore Tumblr blogs with no restrictions, modern design and the best experience.

Fun Fact

Celebrities use Tumblr as well.

#No I don't have regrets about ending our relationship. You have a lot of stuff you need to work through

thebearer · 10 months

Note

thinking about carmy being with a girl who's just like him (introverted, stubborn, etc...) and this often being the cause of them clashing and arguing

thank you <3 btw i love your writing !!

"I don't understand why you're so mad at me!" Carmen's voice was exhausted, cutting with an edge that had your eyes rolling, brushing your teeth with a new kind of fury, sure the bristles of your toothbrush would fall right off.

"'m not mad." You said around the toothbrush, spitting your mouth full of foam into the sink. "I'm just... fucking over it, Carm."

"Over what?" Carmen sighed, shoulders drooping. "What did I even do?"

"What you always do, Carmen, what do you mean?" You sigh heavily. "You're never around."

"I'm at work." Carmen countered. "You said you were fine rescheduling."

"Yeah, the first time." You rolled your eyes. "I'm sick of bending my relationship around the restaurant."

"Then why didn't you say that?" Carmen yelled, eyes bulging in exasperation.

"Because I shouldn't have to!" You yelled back. "I'm not even asking for a lot, Carm! I just want you home sometimes. I just want to see you."

Carmen ran a hand down his face, shaking his head. "Then why didn't you just say that to me?" He sighed, frowning at you.

"Oh, you mean like how you say stuff to me?" You countered, arms crossing over your chest. "Carmen, you are the king of avoiding."

"Yeah, then guess what that makes you, Princess." Carmen countered, a bite in his tone you were used to. Defensive, just like you were. It was something you were all too familiar with.

You stared, glare vs glare, on opposite ends of the apartment. Neither one of you were breaking first, that was for sure. "I can't even do this with you tonight, just drop it." You huff, throwing your hands out in exhaustion.

"See? But I'm the avoiding one? You don't even want to talk!" Carmen yelled.

"You don't want to listen!" You shot back, slapping the bathroom lights off. "You just want to fucking be right!"

"And what about you? What are you doing?" Carmen countered.

"Trying to tell you that I am not happy with our relationship right now!" You roared, that familiar fire, burning anger and rage bubbling out of your chest.

Carmen flinched, looking at your with wide, blinking eyes. Both your chests heaved, breaths passing between each other from across the room. You could feel it, the instant regret. Sharp words always spilling out to hurt before you were, to win and destroy before the opponent could- opponent. Carmen. Carmen was your opponent here. It was wrong, he was your boyfriend, the love of your life, and yet, you were treating him like he was against you. Like this relationship was a battle to be won.

Your stomach turned, a sharp ache that had your mouth filling with spit, that familiar lurch having your mouth pressing together.

Neither one of you spoke, a stand off between the two. Your cheeks flushed. "I-I didn't mean that." You muttered.

"No? Sounds like you did." Carmen snapped, defensive- you didn't blame him.

"I didn't like that." You sighed, rubbing a hand over your forehead. "I just mean... I want to spend time with you, Carm. I feel like I never see you."

Carmen nodded, just taking in your words for a second. "I wish...wish you would've told me that."

"I wish I didn't have to." You muttered back, flinching at the malice in your tone. "'m sorry. I-I don't know why I'm being so defensive I just... I miss you, Carm. I really fucking miss you."

"I miss you too." Carmen nodded. "I get caught up, ya know?"

"Yeah," You nodded back. "Yeah, I know."

"Tomorrow night." You lifted your gaze to meet his. "I'll make sure Sydney can handle it. It's a Tuesday so I'm sure it'll be fine, but... you get me all to yourself. Whatever you want to do."

You grinned. "That would be nice."

"Yeah, yeah, it would." Carmen nodded, taking a step closer to you. The first move, the first break in your little game. "Are you still mad at me?" He asked, eyes lifting hesitantly.

"No," You whispered. "Are you-are you still mad at me?"

"No, baby." Carmen cooed softly. "I just don't like it when we fight."

"Me either." You pouted lightly. "I'm sorry for not just... just telling you what's wrong with me."

"That's alright." Carmen nodded. He understood, he really fucking did. Knew how your mind worked better than you did sometimes. "I'm sorry for not listening. For deflecting. I've been told that's something I need to work on."

"Yeah? By who? Sugar?" You giggled gently.

"She's one of 'em who says it." Carmen matched your smile, reaching for the edge of the made bed. "Are you ready for bed?" He pulled down the comforter, a soft, pleading look in his eyes. Let's put the fight to rest, please.

You nodded, grabbing your side and turning it down, slipping under the cool sheets with Carmen, legs tanged together, arms pulling each other closer and closer, tiny sighs and soft whispers under the linen.

602 notes · View notes

luckykittysshowerthoughts · 6 months

Text

Michael's Elusiveness

While I'm on a Michael kick, I want to talk about how elusive he's been. I mean, he's been mentioned ever since season 1 of the OG, and he still hasn't shown up yet.

For a while, I just thought it was the devs being lazy and not wanting to draw a sprite. Which, perhaps it still is. But in light of Nightbringer, I think his elusiveness is also an intentional, integral part of his character. MAJOR SPOILERS BELOW:

"If there's one thing he's good at, it's running away."

-Raphael, Lesson 20 (Hard) (NB)

This line came immediately after Michael literally ran away from Raphael. Literally just bolted off, left his little brother and closest confidant in the dust, because he asked a question he didn't like. This isn't just the devs looking for an excuse not to show him anymore; this is a canon part of his character.

And when we look at it this way, it puts a lot of our past interactions with him in a different light.

Every single time we've crossed paths with Michael, he's obscured his identity.

The first time we "spoke" with Michael was at the end of S2(OG), when MC obtained the Ring of Light. They couldn't see Michael because he was obscured in blinding light. This could've been just a result of literally putting on an artifact called the ring of light, but I don't think so. Because when MC, justifiably, asked who the disembodied voice speaking to them was, he didn't give them a name. He intentionally avoided it, only calling himself "a friend". The only reason we know(?) this was Michael was because he let a little too much slip about his relationship to Lucifer. That made it pretty clear he didn't want them to know who he was.

The next time we "spoke" with Michael was early into S3- and once again, there was a bright blinding light obscuring him. Seeing a pattern here- this time, it's looking very much intentional. Once again, he neglected to introduce himself. In fact, MC didn't even get to ask this time, because they conveniently couldn't speak (he acknowledged this)

There were a couple other times as well, all of which having Michael obscured and abstaining from revealing his identity (intentionally, at least).

And then there was Nightbringer. I think we all know the moment I'm talking about. Michael finally presenting himself in the flesh... well, somebody else's. He went in disguise as Raphael, and kept up the disguise the entire time he was there. Once again, an entirely deliberate deception, and a pretty elaborate one at that.

At this point, it seems pretty clear that this is all on purpose. The devs aren't hiding Michael from us, Michael is hiding himself from us. He’s less elusive and more evasive.

And I think this distinction says a hell of a lot about his character. Because this isn't the behavior of someone who's proud of himself, someone who's comfortable in his own skin. This is the behavior of a deeply insecure, ashamed individual, someone who's running from himself and the image he's cultivated.

"Hmph, the truth is that you don't know how to act around them, and you know it..."

-Raphael, Lesson 20 (Hard) (NB)

This scene put a lot into context when it comes to Michael. It explains a lot in retrospect, and gives us a peek behind the curtain into why Michael is hiding. It also shows us what he’s like when he’s not hiding- while in the past he’s admitted some pretty emotionally vulnerable stuff while using anonymity or disguise as a shield (him expressing his regrets about Lucifer during the Ring of Light conversation and him telling Simeon and Luke how worried he was about them while in disguise as Raphael come to mind), now that Raphael is confronting him as himself, Michael’s first instinct is to deflect and run.

I think it’s a really interesting part of his character, though I do hope he works up the nerve to come out of the shadows someday.

#obey me michael #obey me angels #obey me raphael #obey me analysis #character analysis #Nightbringer Lesson 20

53 notes · View notes

earlgreytea68 · 9 months

Note

Do u have any twin skeletons thoughts/analyses?

SO MUCH. BUCKLE UP.

I looooove this song and I think it is the most raw and brutal song about the disintegration of the Pete/Patrick relationship in the entire discography, I really do.

Patrick jumbles his use of lyrics up time-wise, he plucks them from all over their chronology, but I don't think he would write this song today, and I don't think he would write the lyrics up in this song today. Like, the lyrics are brutal, but the song they're in are worst, the way he arranges them, the way he sings them.

BUT THEN HE ENDS IT IN HOPE. THIS SONG.

I feel like there is this vague trajectory to the lyrics that Pete writes and the way that Patrick arranges and sings them. When they're both young kids, the lyrics are more straightforwardly melodramatic and self-pitying, the way kids are, and Patrick sings them that way. Which isn't to say they're not still complex, but yeah. As they move toward the hiatus, I feel like the lyrics actually get less bitter and more longing but Patrick starts arranging them and singing them more viciously, so that lyrics that could have been love songs become angry songs instead. Post-hiatus, Pete's lyrics take a distinctive pining turn that he's never entirely left, although they're not always about relationships (they never were, really, which is what I love about him) but about the passage of time and the way everything is yearning ambivalence for things you can't even define as you get older. Patrick in the beginning of the hiatus still arranged these lyrics in songs that felt defiant but by now the lyrics get put into love songs and lose some of the irony in the way Patrick sings them.

That's kind of a tangent.

Anyway, I don't actually think they dealt, lyrically or musically, with a lot of the emotions of the hiatus until AB/AP. I think they wrote SRAR almost carefully. Some of the songs in it feel almost like Patrick designed them to try to be at a remove, they feel kind of impersonal, aiming for the kind of heterosexual drama that FOB rarely hits in their songs because Pete rarely writes lyrics like that. But I think about a song like The Mighty Fall or Death Valley or Just One Yesterday or Young Volcanoes -- and there is A LOT to all of those songs, too, of course, and I love them -- but they're easy to read as just, you know, typical radio play stuff. (The notable -- REALLY notable -- SRAR exception is Miss Missing You, of course, and maybe that was as much as anyone could deal with at the time lol.)

But AB/AP, to me, is FULL of working through the hiatus baggage. There's "The Kids Aren't Alright" and there's "Fourth of July" and there's "Favorite Record" and THEN THERE'S THIS SONG. To me, this song is all about a relationship -- a partnership -- that's supposed to be perfect breaking completely to pieces right in front of you, and the way it devolves into recriminations and accusations.

The chorus, revolving around this titular room where everything went down. I read “shares our fate and deserves our pity” to imply that this room has been somehow ruined, too (sharing our fate) and that’s such a huge pity, like, this isn’t how it should have happened. There’s deep regret in this chorus: I don’t want to remember it, and what they don’t want to remember is the things the promised. The promises you make to the people you love and when it all goes to hell and you end up not keeping those promises, you don’t want to think about them.

EVERYTHING about the description of the relationship in this is some of Pete’s most vivid lyrics. This is one of those songs where every single line is absolutely crystalline. When Taylor Swift said once that she wanted “Blank Space” to be like a Fall Out Boy song where every line is a zinger, this is the song I think of, because the way this relationship is described, the way it unfurls through the song, every single line carries an entire story within it, it’s all so vivid. And the thing is, this could be read to be about sex—dull the pain, strip down to skeleton, saint swimming our sins—sure, it’s all sexy, but I don’t think any of it is actually about sex. Stripped down to our skeletons, that’s not how you have sex, that is way more revealing, way more vulnerability being shown than just taking off your clothes. It has to be read in the context of the image on their Greatest Hits compilation, those twin skeletons, dedicated to each other even in death, like, it’s just not about sex. Sure, sex can be read as sinful, but there’s a multitude of sins out there in the world for them to be swimming in. And the line that really smacks me over the head: “’til we’re twins again.” You…don’t have sex with your twin. I mean, unless we’re getting into some really weird narcissistic thing going on in this song. The twin thing is so…Patrick-coded hahaha. Because who is Patrick? The person he has twin-speak with. This whole thing is in the vein of Pete’s pining language to be honest: I MISS YOU SO MUCH. I JUST NEED A LITTLE DOSE OF YOU. I MISS HOW WE USED TO BE. I MISS WHEN WE WERE SO OURSELVES WITH EACH OTHER THAT WE WERE BASICALLY SKELETONS, THERE WAS NOTHING TO HIDE BEHIND.

But the way Patrick sings these words, the melody he gives them: It doesn’t sound pining. It sounds biting and cruel. If he sang this song in one of his piano arrangements, I bet these words would kill you with how much longing is in them. But that’s not how he sings them.

And then we get to that jet black crow, droning on and on and on, up above their heads, droning on and on and on. The way that droning line repeats, the way Patrick sings the on and on and on so that it sounds like a drone, it’s cleverly done, and the jet black crow always feels like this bad omen to me, this thing hanging over them, that they can’t escape. I MISS YOU SO MUCH, PLEASE STAY HERE WITH ME, but there’s that droning of foreboding hanging over their heads. You’ve got to keep making trouble until you find what you love, he’s not done yet, he wants to keep going, he needs a partner in crime AND YOU SHRUG. I never can decide which of them is speaking there, who looked to the other for their partner and didn’t find him there, and maybe it was both of them, because they were mutual destruction, maybe that’s the point.

Then we get to the second verse, one era dying and the next being born, showing up just to fade away, calling an end to the whole thing – and hating it the whole time (“I wanna throw my hands in the air and scream”). “I can just die laughing on your spiral of shame”: the way Patrick sings that. That is another line that I’m not sure who it’s meant to be referencing, and it could just be both of them. Honestly, the cruel things you do to the people you love when there’s a jet black crow droning on and on over your heads. But you get through the wreck and you pull yourself together enough to survive, even though you’re barely holding yourself together with a string.

But. BUT. THIS BRUTAL, BRUTAL SONG that Patrick takes Pete’s lyrics and puts together here. The way he has the pining of the first verse devolve into the vicious backlash of the second verse in the wake of the indifferent and painful shrug is so good and then the narrative retreats into: Hold on. Hold on, hold on, hold on. At the end of the song he repeats “hold on” EIGHTEEN TIMES. That’s how much he wants Pete to “hold on.” This song about the complete disintegration of this relationship ends with Patrick begging, over and over again: Hold on. Hold on. It’ll be okay. Hold on. That jet black crow drones on and on and on twelve times. Patrick asks us to hold on many more times. And he never sends droning as he does it. He packs multiple notes into the ons. The jet black crow is gone by the end of the song. I made promises. Just hold on.

#long post #fall out boy #fob #peterick

58 notes · View notes

the-writing-mobster · 4 months

Note

were there any fic ideas you never ended up writing that you regret not doing?

also, do you have any other undertale ships? {:

Ah! Thank you for the ask dear heart! Let's see...

Of course I have fics that are still deep in my drafts, and I also have a few unfinished fics currently published ON Ao3.

I don't really regret not publishing certain fics because it's not really a matter of if more than it is a matter of when. A few of these old ideas just need way more fleshing out and just aren't ready for the limelight.

And that "not if but when" mindset is carried over to my unfinished fics as well, like Baby Face and YWIW.

They'll eventually be completed. (Although tbh, I'm not so sure about ywiw now, may have to go and really take a good long look at that one and the goals I want to achieve with it. For YWIW, I guess I regret some of the choices I made with Frisk's character arc. Like I accidentally walked back on things that I shouldn't have. Sequels are hard, y'all.)

—

Now for my other UT ships? Hmmmm...

I'm gonna come out the gate swinging and say that I, first and foremost do not ship Asgore and Toriel. I think their dynamic is more interesting as a divorced couple. Boom. That'll stir the pot some.

(I have a lot of weird UT ships tbh)

Now, moving on to what I actually ship:

Asriel x Papyrus / Papsriel / Boneblossom

This stems more from how I wrote their dynamic in wdyw part 4 + ywiw. See, when Frisk and Sans are off doing hard main character work, Papyrus and Asriel were alone together a lot, working through both of their collective daddy issues together (their fathers were big ole villains and they were consoling each other about their relationships with their fathers, it was actually very sweet) Ergo, I began to ship.

But also, if you look at the game, there are instances of Asriel and Papyrus befriending, and Asriel manipulating him, or growing fond of Papyrus in his own way as Flowey. Yeah there's the problem of "well technically Asriel is a child!" Which like... Okay, he's also dead and immortal at the same time. In wdyw he died at an older age so... 🤷🏻‍♀️ It depends on where you take the story. I could also just ship them platonically. So yeah!

Undyne x Alphys / Alphyne

This one is obvious. They're canon. They're beautiful. I love gay people. I love lesbians. I am a gay people. I am a lesbian. I love them.

Also, low-key, I also just like to explore more of their dynamic than just lovey dovey sapphic stuff. The highs and the lows. And they're perfect to do that with.

Nick x Sans / Nicecream Guy x Sans

This one is unorthodox, but it's because of Baby Face. They're so gay in that fic like it's unbelievable. If not Sans, then definitely Nick. Like they've definitely explored each other's bodies at least once.

Also in wdyw, they have a more complex, complicated friendship since they're more like long lost friends, and the whole "you betrayed our ideals by joining Asgore's military" and Nick "you joined a rebellion that will never win, you've doomed yourself to martyrdom." Sans saving Nick from prison & the purge, ugh, they're so complex, I love em!

Nick is definitely gay. I know we were pushing for Alick but honestly... That boy is gay. And I really believe that. I think the only better pairing for him would be Napstablook, or... And I guess I'll concede to years of shipping before me... Burgerpants/Bryan. Because Bryan has that like, newly joined rebellion, starry eyes, just found out his crush was brutally murdered by one of Muffet's assassins, etc, and then there's Nick, shining hero of the revolution. I think it could work really well.

Muffet x Toriel / Muffriel / Spiderscotch

Bro even the name screams lesbian, wtf? This is like Everlark's alternative ship name being peenis.

BRO THEY LIVE IN THE RUINS TOGETHER, MUFFET SET UP SHOP IN THE RUINS. TORIEL BAKES PIES AND MUFFET BAKES FUCKED UP SPIDER DONUTS. THEY'RE A MATCH MADE IN HEAVEN. (And I'm purely talking about classic, but who's to say that wdyw Muffet wasn't sneaking into the queen's chambers after killing her own husband and poisoning Toriel's daughter right under her nose? UGH THE DRAMA!!!!)

Ugh, I love my gay ships.

Anyway, Toriel is the sweet, albeit very flawed, old money, cottage core wife, and Muffet is the manipulative, borderline Machiavellian, macabre, new money, goth wife and they're PERFECT FOR EACH OTHER. I've never been more serious in my life.

Anyway, those are my UT ships that are not Frans. Don't come for me, I know they're unconventional (except for Alphyne) but I love them each dearly.

Old pencil drawing I did:

22 notes · View notes

scoonsalicious · 14 days

Note

okay, straight to the point. I hate how he's going about things. So much lies right off the bat, and Pocket is too high above the clouds to recognize it. Okay, maybe he was telling half-truths (which is still considered a lie in my opinion) I am 100% sure he saw all those articles but maybe, he didn't get to see Pockets texts right away. Not after he's done something wrong (I'll elaborate on that in a sec) because, while reading these parts, it all feels a bit like love bombing to me. Idk, something definitely happened on that mission, and I wish the first thing Bruno (that's right bc I'm annoyed at him right now) should've done was confess RIGHT AWAY. I don't care if it's going to blow up things, it's far better to be truthful now so at least he can salvage some integrity and at least Pocket could see his remorse and regret but nooooo he had to cover it up. So now, everything that came out of his mouth after that, it will seem like a lie to Pocket. The house, marriage, kids, starting a family? Pocket will now only see that as damage control instead of something he actually wants to do. Him asking her to move out of the tower? Why? Because he's scared the truth will come out because everyone knows Jellani can't keep her mouth shut. And if something happened between them on that mission (which i know something happened. you can't full me Beethoven) do you really think she won't brag about it? claiming that she "won" ??? Sigh. It would've been better if Pocket heard it from him first rather than that mule of a snake. But alas, idiots be idiots. I'm honestly just so disappointed in him.

Now, as to what Blake has done. I am hopeful it didn't go further than a kiss, making out and petting at the worst. I still believe he has a good enough heart in him not to pull through because he truly never saw Jesse that way and he physically can't since he loves Pocket so much. But sigh, he can be so fucking stupid so idk, my hope is definitely wavering. If they did end up having sex, that's much more difficult for him to come back from, for me, at least. And while yes, any of the above technically won't be cheating, but that's still a cold-hearted betrayal. And everything leading up to it, there are so many layers to it? let me do a list for Pocket

Sleeping (allegedly) with the person you told me not to worry about, better yet, the person who blew up our relationship in the first place

So that was a lie, how you never saw her like that, how you never wanted to sleep with her? What else were you lying about?

You believed random strangers' words (articles) over my own

Beleiving her (Jolene) words over my own because she obviously told you stuff. Again.

The second you saw me with a friend you're insecure about, the first thing that came to your mind was to hurt me back even though I never did anything to you. You did it for revenge. (this part is so touchy to me because this happened to me a lot haha)

You've been so insisting on me wanting to hear you side, but you can't even spear me a second to the same?

The covering up. The lies. The manipulation (a lil far fetch but, him waking her with an orgasm, trying to keep her all pleasured and joyful so he can have the time to cover up his tracks) You're dangling marriage and family in front of my face while you have a knife in your hand and you're digging in on my back

I could go on and on and on, but I think the thing that would hurt Pocket the most is the lying. The point blank, lying to her face. I really really wished Blake came clean right away. It would've been so much better that way. Like yeah, Pocket would still be hurt and angry, rightfully so, but at least he's showing how much he regretted it, and that he felt remorse by coming clean. But he HAD to cover it up, he had to keep on lying, he had to hide it under the guise of starting a FAMILY AND GETTING MARRIED. like that's just so cruel. and I would argue, that makes it so much more hurtful. It's like acid on a wound. and like you said, it's how he went about it that hurt Pocket rather than the act itself. Again, I'm not even mad anymore, i'm just downright disappointed.

Sigh, I'd have to complete reading chapter 18 and fully find out the truth of what happened first before I give my final verdict if Benjamin is a lost cost. But you are also a very talented writer so I have high hopes that you'll be able to pull through with this and have him suffer and go through pain worse than he's Pocket through and actually work on being better. Because (and i figured this out right this second lol if you can't already tell how my brain is wired with these entries then...well, basically i'm insane and have so many thoughts) the reason why Bobby keeps making all these mistakes over and over is because he's trying to be better for the wrong reason. He's doing all this work to be better and to gain Pocket's trust, why? Because he wants her back. He wants to be with her again, and honestly, I don't think that's the right way to go about it. He should be trying to be better for her because he realized how much pain he's caused her and he doesn't want that anymore. He should be trying to be better because he wants to be, so he can't stop hurting people he loves. But he's treating is as an objective, a goal to fulfill so he can get the prize which is getting the girl back. And that just seems like he truly hasn't realized yet just how much he fucked up, or at least, realized how hurt Pocket was with all of this. Like, he should be trying to be better without any expectations, it should be "I'm trying to be better so I can be a better person, and earn her trust back, whether we get back together or not, it doesn't matter. All I care about is fixing this mess and helping her heal and being a better person. No incentive, no price, just because I want to" but hey. what do I know

ANYWAYS, this got wayyyy too long I am so so sorry. But sigh, I'm both anxious and excited for the rest of Chapter 18, I know shits about to hit the fan but after that, I know Brandon is going to go through so much pain, and honestly, I'm here for it. The least he can do to understand what Pocket's been going through. You're amazing as always! sending you love!

Ok, first of all, we don't talk about Bruno. I'm sorry. I had to. Please forgive me. As for the things he told her wanted-- a place of their own, getting married, maybe kids-- he does want all that, so much, with her. He wants it so badly. There's some wording you used ("I still believe he has a good enough heart in him not to pull through because he truly never saw Jesse that way and he physically can't since he loves Pocket so much.") that I find very, very interesting, and I'd like you to hold this thought in your head until about Chapter 27 or so... Also, i like that you referred to her as Jolene, because "I'm beggin' of you, please don't take my man" is so appropriate here; though Pocket would never beg her, not even a little bit.

Again, so many things I want to say to you, but I cannot! For it would be spoilery and no one wants that! As always, though, your posts make my night. I look forward to them every day! <3

#unwanted #jnon report

11 notes · View notes

polyamzeal · 5 months

Note

Hi there! I've been in a mono relationship with a person for over five years and the last three years we have kinda been more open (kissed most of our friends at parties and did more sexual stuff too but only together as a couple). I've always been polyamorous and I've told my partner that on the first date. However I very rarely experience actual romantic feelings so it took me five years to fall for another person. This person is our mutual friend (mostly my partner's friend) but it feels like they feel something for me too.

Now I told my partner as soon as I realised it (about several months ago) and they told me that they actually have feelings for another person too and they think they might be polyamorous! Great right? Wrong :( they feel a lot of jealousy because of their insecurities and they think I might leave them for this person even though I try my best to reassure them that this is not going to happen and I love them. That other person is leaving for another country in about a month to live there and it feels like my time is running out because I want to confess to them and figure this whole thing out before they are potentially gone forever. But I don't want to upset my partner because I don't wanna hurt their feelings and I don't want to make everything even more complicated if they are not 100% onboard with me confessing. I really don't know what to do. I think at this point it's not just a crush; I love them both and it's tearing me apart to lose that other person before finding out if I even have a chance to be with them both.

Do you maybe have any advice? :(

I would say after talking it over with your partner a little bit more that you should confess. I think you will regret it if you don't and I think the friend would like the confirmation. Here is the important thing though that is easy to forget: Acknowledging feelings is NOT the same as making a commitment. It is perfectly fine to tell this friend that you love them but due to all the circumstances going on that neither of you need to act on them. You can just clear the air and get it out there. Not that much actually needs to change about your relationship with this friend or your partner. If your partner is feeling insecure and doesn't want to be fully open yet then let your partner know that you want to tell the friend your feelings but also clarify to them that this isn't an invite to start dating or have sex. Maybe in the future that possibility can line up better for everybody but the time isn't right now. I think keeping the feeling hidden though because nothing will really change anyways would just end up hurting. I think it is important that you and this friend acknowledge that you can be more than friends but not committed partners. There is a wide spectrum between the two.

I have a lot of other posts about how to deal with your boyfriend's insecurities and other resources online can deal with that. But hopefully in time he can start to feel more secure in his relationship with you and your connections to other people.

#polyamzeal answers #anon ask #polyamory #polyam #nonmonogamy

23 notes · View notes

gadriezmannsgirl · 1 year

Text

Settling - Frenkie De Jong

Summary: Your relationship is taken to another step

Whenever you thought about future, you could see your two and half years boyfriend, Frenkie, in it. Already settled in with two dogs (Not counting Jagger), a nice not too big neither too small house in Barcelona.

Now, making this big step on your relationship where he just proposed you to move in with him two weeks ago,was everything to you, you were that happy that you screamed a big YES on his face, seconds later regretting it after he had flinched covering his ear

"Move in with me?" The strawberry made words spelled out on the plate chocolate covered made you gasp

"Are you serious?" You asked laughing to yourself as he nods pulling out a little key "OMG, YES!" Frenkie laughed but flinched at your high tone

"Shit, I'm so sorry"

"I'm deaf now" You had laughed throwing yourself at him

The big deal was this one, the house hunting and decorating it, giving it your guys touches and basically doing the moving in. Already having half of that done, seeing as Frenkie did knew your likings and bought the perfect house for the two-three of you, if you counted Jagger at the moment.

It had five rooms, three bathrooms, a library and work space for you and a big backyard for Frenkie to practice a bit and for you to have a lot of fun either in alone time or with family and friends. Also with a pool, for summer days.

You loved it. And so Frenkie did.

After doing the furniture shopping, you decided to put hands on work

Couches were already put in place, the bed was put in your bedroom still not armed, the mattress on the floor, you both had already decided the bed would be done tomorrow, the fridge, the TV, most of the tables and heavy stuffs were also in place, with a lot of boxes of yours and Frenkie's stuffs and also stuffs to decorate your house

Meanwhile Frenkie was standing in front of your new house, you were pulling the food that some neighbours already came in and gave you some pastries or food to welcome the both of you in the urbanization, inside your fridge

"You can't exactly eat all the chocolate cakes there are in our fridge right now" You had said laughing knowing his strict diet, you jogged the few steps down to meet him, Frenkie groaned a bit extending his arm out for you to nestle in his side.

He liked sweets but was also very aware his life style didn't allowed him to eat it as much as he would like to

"You'll eat it for me, right?" You laughed

"I'll get diabetes if I eat them in one go" Both of you laughed lightly

"I'll take care of you then" You smiled standing on your tiptoes to kiss him sweetly. You were happy, starting a new chapter of your relationship and your life with your person

"Thanks for the house" You blurted out

"You don't have to thank me" He laughed a bit "This is our life now" You blushed hugging him tighter "I want this, you want this too. This is just a step more"

"It's a shame tho" You said "This house is so pretty and once we've kids we'll have to move out"

Both of you had talked about a family and it was in your guys plan. Not now but in a few years, definitely.

"Who said that will happen? I bought this house with that amount of rooms for our kids, as much this feeling is amazing, the moving in with you, the furniture shopping and everything else... I'm not moving the fridge out of this house ever again" You laughed as Frenkie shook his head "Too much work to do" You ended up laughing together

You were left in silence for a good few seconds more before you heard Jagger bark, you laughed lightly and yawned

"C'mon love. Let's go and take a lil nap"

"Lil? You mean as in... We sleep in until tomorrow right? I don't have the energy to keep going" Frenkie laughed kissing your head

"Of course, that's exactly what I meant, love"

84 notes · View notes

askaborderline · 2 years

Note

hello, i'm looking for some advice. i've been struggling to get over a previous fp (we were very close friends for 6 years and they were my fp the entire time) and was wondering if you guys would have any tips on how to cope. i'm sorry if this is a little vague, i don't feel very up to talking about my past with them

Hi anon,

This sounds really hard, and I am sorry. Losing a FP can be so beyond words.

Some things I like to remind myself are:

The feelings are temporary. They will pass. No matter how crushing they may be, you won't feel like this forever. Sometimes it can help to remember that what we're feeling is temporary because when we forget that and think it's how we're going to feel forever, it can make us feel so hopeless. So here's your reminder. This isn't forever,.

You survived without them before, and you can do it again. I promise. It doesn't mean it'll be easy but it can help to have the reminder that we existed before then, and survived before them and we can do both of those things again.

Be kind to yourself. You are valid and you are allowed your emotions.

Healing is not linear. Grief isn't linear. And for a lot of us, when we lose our FP, it is something we need to heal from. It is something we grieve about. And it's okay if we feel ourselves doing better for a bit and then falling back. It doesn't mean you've failed or anything like that.

Some things I do:

Note that these are all personal things I do and aren't rules for how you should cope. I'm sure your own list will differ!

Focus on myself. Even when it's uncomfortable and I don't want to, I focus on my hobbies. I focus on finding new hobbies. Sometimes I make a list of different hobbies I've never tried, and then I go through it and try them at least once to see if I enjoy something. If not, it gets scratched off. These could be new shows, books, activities, etc.

Feel the emotions. Usually not all at once because it's too much, but my instinct is to bury the emotions. To turn my emotions off entirely ((I'm sure others relate to the turning them off thing. It's like a switch I can use). And it's uncomfortable, but sometimes I force myself to feel them. In bits as I can handle it. Allow yourself time to grieve.

Focus on my DBT skills like Urge Surfing for any urges that arise or Radical Acceptance for accepting my feelings.

Come up with a Crisis Plan in case I start to spiral.

I diversified my relationships. I think this is an important thing to do. Even if you have a FP currently. Diversifying your relationships to have other people in your support system can be really good.

This is a personal choice, but I cut off all ties. I kept screenshots of messages they wrote assuring me they cared and stuff like that. I deleted all screenshots. I also made sure I couldn't look at their profiles and check on them. I made sure their numbers were deleted and anything else.

I like to do nice things for someone else. It's hard sometimes to get there, but there's a feeling I get when I make someone smile or help someone out that makes me feel a bit lighter. It reminds me that I am valuable as I am. This is actually a part of the ACCEPTS skill if you're interested in reading more about that.

Work on forgiving myself. Maybe you don't feel you need this, and that's valid. But I did. I had to learn to forgive myself for not knowing better, for making mistakes, and I always remind myself that I am human. In connection with this, I work on letting go of any regrets I have. It's easier said than done, I know. It's important for me to remember that I can't change the past, so dwelling on any regrets doesn't help me. What I can do is learn from them and do better.

I know it's hard, anon. But it really does get better. I have lost FP's and thought the entire world was ending and that I would never recover. I still think about them sometimes, but it's such a dull ache that I barely notice it. It might always hurt a little, but it will be manageable.

Here are some other coping ideas for you.

You can do this anon,

April

#fp #losing a fp #mod april #aab

203 notes · View notes

fandomfrenzysworld · 5 months

Text

Please read the notes for context.

Notes: For starters, Mercy Gone Wrong belongs to @faery-the-diamond. They've stated before that their AU does not contain Narilamb and wouldn't intentionally have it happen. But my brain wouldn't stop asking about how they ever could end up in a relationship. And thus, I wrote this little fanfic to finally silence those thoughts. This takes place in a future where Lambert has escaped the crown. (How? Don't know. Doesn't really matter for the fic.)

Notes TLDR; Not my AU, not a canon ship for the AU. Narilamb fanfic that takes place in the future.

------------------------------------------

Lambert shivered as he walked through the cult grounds. The early onset winter winds were making him regret his usual decision of outfit. He held his cloak shut, trying to block any winds he could. After his final round of the cult, making triple sure everything was taken care of, at least as well as things could be in this place, he was ready to get back to his house and warm up.

My house, Lambert thought, slightly grimacing once he realized who would be waiting there. That stupid three-eyed cat with his cocky grin, higher than thou attitude, and-

"Let me guess, it's much colder outside than you figured it'd be this morning?" Narinder asked as Lambert walked in, not even bothering to look away from his book.

Lambert usually would've scolded Narinder for the comment but found himself thanking his roommate's fascination in reading. Nainder was laying down on the floor in front of an already raging fireplace, giving the lamb a clear look at his usually prim and pristine posture being replaced by a more casual and relaxed one. That's where the thoughts came back.

Lambert blushed. For the past few months, he'd been seeing Nainder in a different light. One of someone who could be more than just a companion, one of a partner. His frustrations from these thoughts snapped him from them. He took off his cloak and folded it up.

"Yeah, yeah. You're the all-knowing Narinder who can never be wrong," Lambert said.

"I lived in snowy mountains for the majority of my life. I know a thing or two about predicting when the weather is going to turn south," Narinder corrected.

Lambert just rolled his eyes as he set his cloak down, walking over to join Narinder in front of the fire. The cat sat up and shut his book, preparing to speak with Lambert.

"So, what are we going to do for the cult during the winter this time?" Narinder asked.

"Oh no, don't let me get in the way. You're the one who knows this stuff so well," Lambert said sarcastically. "But being serious, I trust you in this department. You've improved a lot of our preparations so far, so just keep up the good work."

"Aww, I'm touched," Narinder said half sarcastically as he gave Lambert a light punch to the shoulder. He was fairly shocked when Lambert actually winced from it and started to rub the area. "Umm, are you okay?"

"Yeah, just been struggling with a bit of stiffness today. Maybe it's the weather?" Lambert mused.

"Want me to help you relax?" Narinder offered.

Lambert looked at his previous employer with a bit of confusion, a faint blush coming to his cheeks from the less-than-optimal wording. Thankfully his wool made it hard to see.

"C-Come again?" Lambert asked.

"Do you want me to help you relax? Your stiffness is actually probably from the weather. So, working the stiff areas and applying heat will help them loosen," Narinder explained.

"Oh..." was all Lambert could get out at first. "Umm, yeah, sure. What should I do?"

"Just turn around and try to follow my lead," Narinder said.

"Promise this won't turn into acupuncture?" Lambert said as he turned.

Narinder sighed and decided to ignore that comment. He cracked his knuckles to loosen them up and grabbed Lambert's shoulder, getting a surprised bleat from the lamb in front of him.

"W-What are you-?!" Lambert stammered as his cheeks turned rosy red.

"Easy. Keep your shoulders loose. I said was working the stiff spots, didn't I?" Narinder said.

"I-I thought you meant shoulder rolls and stuff," Lambert reasoned.

"Do you want me to stop?" Narinder asked.

"...no," Lambert said.

With that, Narinder began to press into Lambert's stiff muscles, using firm but gentle motions to work the area. His paws were extremely warm, sending small shudders through Lambert's body as his shoulders started to loosen up.

During this, Lambert began thinking about his feelings towards Narinder again. Ever since they started finding common ground, his perspective slowly shifted from anger, to tension, to comfort, and eventually even what he'd call friendship. But as the weeks started to move by, he found his heart was not keen on stopping where his head did. Slowly but surely their usual greeting to one another started to make his heart flutter. Even when he had thoughts about Narinder's less than desirable personality quirks, one glace at those three eyes made him not care. Like those flaws didn't matter or were worth toughing it out. He'd gone from someone he couldn't stand, to someone he wasn't sure he could be without. And now that same person was grabbing at his shoulders and helping to ease a burden. A temporary one, but one he was still taking time to help with.

"Alright, how's that?" Narinder asked, his voice snapping Lambert from his trance.

"Ah, yeah, that's a lot better," Lambert said as he turned back around. He found himself considering Narinder's posture again. In public the cat carried himself to be ready to react to anything, all in an effort to not ruin his image. It was almost as if he viewed social interactions as a battle that he needed to be ten steps ahead of. But when it was just the two of them, Narinder relaxed, let his shoulders drop. He wasn't tensed in preparation for anything. If Lambert had wanted to, he could close the distance in an instant, exploiting Narinder's vulnerability to prank or do something to fluster him.

"Hey, you still with me?" Narinder asked. "You're kind of just star-mph!"

Lambert had gone in for the kill. Metaphorically speaking. He kissed the black cat. Spurred on by the comfortable and soothing atmosphere, he let his heart get before him again. Once he realized what he just did, his eyes went wide and he pulled away.

"Ah! I'm sorry! I don't know what came over me, I just-!" Lambert shouted, trailing off when he heard Narinder start laughing. Then he caught sight of that stupid cocky smile on Narinder's face. "What's so..."

"I was wondering when you were gonna make your move. Though that was a lot bolder than I was expecting, I'll give you that," Narinder said.

Lambert sat there in disbelief, mouth agape. Soon enough his shock turned to anger, and his stare turned to a scowl. "You knew?!" he asked.

"Lambert, I've been alive for thousands of years. Had countless people develop feelings for me and confess to me. I started to pick up on signs a long, long time ago," Narinder explained.

"So you just let me sit there with my feelings bubbling up instead of talking to me?!" Lambert complained.

Narinder's smile faded as he sighed. "Honestly, I was thinking over my own feelings," he admitted.

Lambert's anger faded, taking the wind out of his sails.

"We've come a long way from how we used to see each other. And I got scared that maybe I was reading you wrong. I didn't want to be the one who made the first move. I guess I was scared I'd damage what we have. I could accept you not having feelings for me, but I couldn't stand the thought of going back to before. Of losing you and being alone," Narinder explained.

"Well, I guess we both had our reasons then..." Lambert said meekly. "I just wish mine were as good as yours."

Narinder raised an eyebrow at that.

"All cards on the table, I couldn't bring myself to confess because I was scared of what others would think. My followers, the people we talk to...and my people," Lambert admitted.

Narinder tensed. He knew Lambert didn't take discussions about his people lightly.

"I mean, what would they think if I brought them back and then told them that I was in love with the person they were put to the blade over? Would I be outcast, forced to leave you, face ridicule for being a disgra-ah!" Lambert ranted, only stopping once Narinder grabbed both sides of his face.

"I don't know. I know I don't care, but I also know you do. That's why I think we should take this slow. Figure out our feelings together without rushing into anything, and take it one step at a time," Nainder explained, trying to ease Lambert's worries.

"Uh...yeah, one step at a time. That sounds...nice," Lambert said.

Narinder let go and picked his book back up. He figured Lambert would need a little bit to process. He knew he couldn't change the lamb's mind, he learned that the hard way a long time ago.

He jumped a little bit when Lambert leaned into him, staying close as to not be completely alone with his thoughts. Narinder was happy to oblige, wrapping his arm around Lambert and holding him through the night.

------------------------------------------

Wow, I really got into this. This was pretty fun to write. Hopefully it wasn't too cringy or cheesy.

#Cult of The Lamb #Mercy Gone Wrong #cotl mgw #cotl

11 notes · View notes

hymn-of-muse · 7 months

Text

A Haunted Mind p2

Part 2 of the last oneshot!

tw for mentions of manipulation, toxic relationships etc

requested by @mariabrightmoon

It had hardly even been about an hour since Catra had gotten up and sat on the windowsill, staring at the stars while deep in her own thoughts.

Catra leaned her head gently against the surface of the window, forehead against the glasses and eyes shifting focus from the stars back to her reflection, staring at her own eyes for just a moment before closing them with a light scoff.

She felt something nudge the leg she had dangling over the side of the windowsill, said something letting out a concerned noise that resembled a worried meow of a cat.

"Hey melog..." catra sighed, reaching over to give the cat-like alien companion a pat on the head, scratching melog behind the ear as it emitted a purr in response to the affection.

"Guess I kinda do need your company..." she spoke quietly as she continued to pet her companion. "my mind's a mess, melog..."

The companion glanced back up at her with folded ears, shifting it's base to a more frosted-dark purple colour as if projecting how she felt through colour.

"Yeah...I guess I'm kinda sad...feels more than that though. Like...regret? Ugh I hate that word" catra hissed at her own admission.

She did regret a lot of things though, almost everything she did in the past. Kidnapping, manipulating, bullying and more...she was no longer as proud of her actions as she appeared to be when she'd done them.

Catra did try apologizing, of course, she wanted to try and make up for it, be forgiven for causing hurt. She learned the best way to be able to move forward was to accept, forgive and forget, at least that's how one of the princesses had put it. She wanted to give that a try so she could move on..

"Look, I just...this is really hard for me but I'm trying okay? So I just need you to hear me out" Catra had her hands raised in an act of assurance to try and come off as less of a threat.

"Alright... we're listening." Mermista crossed her arms and leaned back in her chair with a skeptical look towards the feline woman.

Catra was convinced by adora to join the princess meeting this time, a change to give everyone a formal official apology and ask for forgiveness. Probably the only chance she would get since the squad planned on heading back to space travel very soon.

Everyone sat around the large table, their attention all directed to her. Princesses, the king, allies...adora.

Catra took a deep breath before expelling it with her words. "I want to say that I'm sorry. For everything. All of it. Everything I said, all my actions when I was with the horde, everything that lead up to....to horde prime." Her voice wavered at the end but adora placed a soft hand on-top of hers and she kept going.

"I know i did a lot of bad things, hurt a lot of people, caused a lot of damage..but I just..need everyone to know I'm apologizing and I want to do better from now on. I want things to be better, I want to help fix things." She briefly glanced her eyes over everyone's faces to gage their reactions, and what she saw only made her feel worse.

"Sorry isn't going to make up for it, you know that right?" Netassa sounded like she would have raised her voice and snapped something worse at catra if her wife wasnt holding onto her arm to keep her calm.

"Yeah, you kinda broke my whole kingdom and stuff" Mermista pointed out with annoyance in her usual flat tone.

"And you ruined my ball and kidnapped glimmer and bow!" frosta added with a huff.

"The point is catra...you did a huge amount of hurt and damage...it's going to be incredibly hard to forgive you. We're not saying we don't want you here or that we aren't going to give you a chance to improve and do better going forward..but I think it's safe to say our trust in you right now is next to non existent, and most of us won't be forgiving you or accepting your apology.." Glimmer explained with a solemn look on her face.

"We like that your on our side now, sure! But...like glimmer said, we don't forgive you for what happened, and we don't fully trust you right now.." Flora chimed in with a sad look in her eyes.

Catras ears pressed back against her head. She wasn't sure what she was expecting in the first place, but maybe she should have expected this rejection...then it would hurt less.

"You can make all the apologies you want, try as hard as you want to 'be better'...but what you did? I mean you forced open a portal that nearly destroyed the world! Because of that we lost angelica! There is seriously no forgiveness for you there" Netassa scowled.

Catra felt her tail tuck between her legs and wrap around one of them, melog nudging her knee reassuringly.

"Right, yeah, no..that's..fair. I get that." Catra nodded, eyes on the table to avoid looking at anymore of their harsh stares.

The moment was clear in her mind as the stars light outside the ship. She understood perfectly why none of them trusted her, she certainly didn't forgive or trust herself all that much either.

The rejection hurt a little less now after some time processing it, but it still stung to think about how they might never ever forgive her, and she'll live with the guilt for the rest of her life..

Melog gave another worried meow before biting her wrist and tugging her away from the window. It wanted her back on her feet.

"Alright alright...I'll come back to bed" catra sighed quietly and stood up, following her companion back to the room she shared with her girlfriend.

Riddled with guilt and hoping adora was still sound asleep, melog lead her and her haunted consciousness back to bed, where she curled back up next to adoras snoring sprawled out body.

The minute her head hit he pillow she felt her eyes grow very tired and the alien curled up by her legs. Cratras eyes became heavier as minutes ticked by while past events kept running through her mind, though she did still managed to completely fall asleep after a bit

It would be another dreamless night for her..

reblogs are appreciated!

feel free to request more angst, fluff or whatever comes to mind!

be sure to check my pinned post!

16 notes · View notes

olsenmyolsen · 11 months

Text

The Future

Part 22 of On The Inside With Elizabeth Olsen

Word Count: ~6.5K

masterlist

Liz POV

"Mommy! Mommy! Get up!"

I hear the quiet yells from my daughter Clementine begging for me to wake up before she does what she does every Saturday.

WHAM! She launches herself onto the bed. "Time to get up!" Every Saturday, I regret having this stinker. Just a little bit. I flutter my eyes open to see my little bed headed child staring at me. She has piercing green eyes like me but a ridged nose like her momma. Every time I look at her face, I smile.

I scrunch my nose up to my daughter. "Did you really just wake me up?" I ask as I pull her tiny body into mine. "Did you wake me up at-" I shift my eyes to my child's Avengers watch. It's her favorite thing that she owns, even though most of the characters on it never interacted with Wanda. "9:45! Are you crazy? Is my child crazy?" I ask as I begin to tickle her for waking me. "Yes, I'm crazy! I'm Crazy Clem, Mommy!" Clementine giggles at me.

"Crazy, just like your momma," I say as I relinquish the child from my grasp. Her giggle fit comes to a slow end as the frown on both of our faces returns. I sit up as Clementine brings herself closer to me.

"What do you say I get dressed, and then we can head out for breakfast. Does that sound like a good idea?" Clem nods her head as she lays down into my bed. I can see she's thinking and trying to form the words before she speaks, just like her momma.

"What is it, bug?"

"Is momma really gone?"

It's as if someone is playing a cruel joke on me as I slowly open my eyes and wake up from what started as a dream but deteriorated into a nightmare.

But that didn't feel like either of them. It felt like a vision of the future.

I don't even remember falling asleep.

As I rise from the bed and it's as if all the color from the world became a mix of dark grays again.

I look around the room, but she never came home.

Why would she after what I did?

"Liz?" Y/N asks, more concerned.

"Sorry, I'm catching up on a lot. The HBO show. Some WandaVision stuff. My team is asking me to do Hot Ones next month. Sorry. Let me do this stuff, and then I'm all yours!"

At least, that's how it started.

But now my team is reaching out with a whole bunch of shit about Y/N.

She's been doxed.

Someone put most, if not all, of her information on the internet.

Videos of her at work.

Pictures of her and I are tagged in almost everything.

"Is there anything I can help with?" I hear her ask, unaware of what I'm looking at.

"Not at the moment. But thank you." I respond in an almost robot-like fashion. I don't know what's happening, but it terrifies me.

I was going to have us go public within the coming months. I reached out to Robbie and his team last night. On Monday, we were going to announce our separation. But now stories are already running about Y/N and I. I'm being called a cheater, and Y/N is being labeled a multitude of things.

Nobody. Wannabe. Slut.

This is what is being pushed on gossip sites, and it's spreading like wildfire. I feel my body start to turn cold as thoughts of what next steps and actions to take start rushing in.

One thought comes to mind, and it breaks my heart.

Before I can even look at Y/N, my phone starts buzzing in my hand. It's Marla.

I answer the phone.

"How bad is it really?" I ask before Marla can fire off a hello.

"It's not looking good."

I let out a frustrated sigh and look out the window.

"However, we can get Robbie and his team to make a statement regarding your relationship."

"Okay. How soon?"

"Within the hour, but there is still the matter of Y/N's safety-"

The matter of her safety... she's unsafe because of me... I still listen to Marla go on to say that whoever doxxed Y/N had to be close to her. But it's clear this was a targeted attack, maybe due to her being in a relationship with a high-profile person. Me. Marla isn't blaming me, but everyone else will. I know it. Marla also mentioned that a legal team represented here in NY has reached out already. How they knew so quick, I'm not sure.

Slowly the phone call starts to become drowned out as one thing keeps running through my mind.

If Y/N and I were never together, this wouldn't be happening.

"Liz?" Y/N calls out to me.

I turn to my Coffee Girl, and I see her eyes are laced with fear. I bite my bottom lip in a last-ditch effort to stop the tears from falling. I don't even realize it, but I end my phone call.

"Lizard, please, what's going on?" I swallow and put my head into my hands. I'm trying not to cry as flashes of my Y/N fly through my mind. Y/N with Rose. Her taking her mom and I around the city. "I'm sorry," I mumble to myself. A flash of Y/N and I over FaceTime. Her making lunch at my apartment. "I'm sorry." Our first date. When I saw her at the park. "I'm sorry."

The coffee shop I should've never entered.

The day I met her.

She was annoyed with my giant apology order, but her eyes looked into me. I was stunned by her beauty. Her galaxy eyes pulling me. Her freckles that made her face glow. Her ridged nose that is imperfectly perfect.

I feel Y/N lean into me. When did she get into the middle seat?

I lift my head to her. She's on the verge of breaking. I gently place my shaky hands into hers.

"Liz?"

My phone interrupts the uneasy air, but it doesn't stop. The phone keeps ringing.

The more it rings, the more I second-guess every decision I've made with Y/N. Was it right? Should I have done more?

I look at Y/N, and the look I'm receiving back grows in worry.

I close my eyes feeling a single tear roll down my cheek.

"I- I'm... we've been outed..."

"Oka-"

"They-"

I stop myself.

I know what I must do, but I don't know if I have the strength to do it.

I didn't do it with Robbie. I ran like a fucking coward. But now? I can't. I couldn't do that to her.

I slowly open my eyes to see Y/N's fucking gorgeous eyes.

"We can't be together."

When the end of the sentence falls from my mouth, I feel my body slow down. I turn my head back towards the window while I pull my hands out from hers.

Oh, God.

No. This can't be right.

I silently let the tears fall from me, and aside from the hum of the car, there is no other noise present. It's like Y/N vanished.

With each block we pass, my anger grows.

The tears falling from my face are slowly morphing into liquid-filled hate.

Why the fuck would someone do this? What do they gain? The first person since Robbie, and this is what happens??

I whip my head around, yelling these thoughts to Y/N. Not at her but to her. I want her to hear my anger. I want her to listen to these reasons. It's not too long before my rambling goes on.

"Stop the car."

What?

I look at Y/N's face. She looks like she's in shock. I turn my head confused.

"Stop the car!" Y/N yells out at Mr. Bronson. I turn to see him gesture to the road ahead of us. Traffic.

I'm mentally kicking myself. I didn't mean to start dumping all of this onto her.

I try to calm the pissed-off nerves in my body. I close my eyes and take a deep breath before I turn myself to my Y/N. I calmly place my hands on her cheeks, but to my surprise, Y/N reacts and jumps away at the contact.

What have I done to her?

I watch her close her eyes as she leans herself back against the car door. I want to do everything in my power to hold her close and not let her go.

But I can't do that. I have to lose her...

"STOP THE FUCKING CAR!"

I cover my mouth in shock. The tone and urgency was scary. I glance to Mr. Bronson, who finds a place to pull off. The second the wheels stop, Y/N looks at me and dashes out her car door, slamming it behind her. I follow her as she walks around the car before stopping to hunch over the sidewalk.

"Oh my Goodness," I whisper as I throw myself out of the car running to my puking girlfriend(?)

"Y/N!" Oh my god, are you okay? What's wrong?" I rest my right hand on her back and pull myself closer to her. She wipes her chin and turns her eyes to meet my own.

I don't think she realizes herself becoming off-center as her body begins to fall backwards. I latch onto her and hold her body up.

"Why don't you tell me what's wrong?" I look at her red puffy eyes. They're breaking my heart even more than I already did myself. "Y/N... I-" "You what? You don't want to be with me anymore. I get it. The love was fake. This was a phase. I knew it was too good to be true. The real world came knocking at the front door, and you left out the back. Just like I was afraid of... I should've listened to my stupid thoughts when it came to us. I didn't with Naomi, and look at what happened..."

After saying that, Y/N doesn't stop.

She's wrong. She doesn't know what's she talking about.

Right?

I'm not even listening to her words. Instead, I watch her face crumble and break as the tears don't stop.

The sun has now reached high noon, and a small crowd has gathered around us.

I try multiple times to interject, but to no avail. I dart my eyes at the people around us, and it causes more pain. No one should be watching this moment.

"Y/N, stop!" I finally manage to yell out. "Y/N, I didn't mean it like that!"

"Then how did you mean in it?"

"How about you let me talk, and you'll find out?!"

Fuck.

My tone was all wrong.

I look at Y/N as she stares back at me.

I regret everything now.

I take a step forward, but she turns her body away, causing me to stop. I watch as she wipes her tears away before she runs her hand through her hair.

The crowd that gathered around appears to be bored with how our lives are toppling down that they walk away.

We're only a few feet apart, but it might as well feel like I'm across the world. I start to fidget with my hands; it's subconscious at first, but I stop once I realize, just as Y/N steps forward and pulls me into a hug.

The floodgate holding my remaining emotions collapses as I feel her body press into mine. At that point, I can't stop the tears from flying down my cheek, landing on her shoulders.

I open my mouth several times, but nothing makes sense. I feel Y/N tightly wrap herself around my body. I'm sure to hold me up and for any amount of comfort.

Her lips place gently kisses on my forehead.

Kisses I don't deserve strung along with words I should be saying. Not her.

"I'm sorry."

This causes my breakdown only to escalate.

I keep hold of Y/N, afraid that the moment she's out of my touch is the moment that she'll listen to my words. That's the moment we won't be together. So I hold her. I keep our touch. I keep it like that until I'm returned to the backseat of the car. A water bottle lands in my lap, and then she starts to pull away.

So I grab hold of her and plead for her not to leave.

"Please, I'm sorry, Y/N. Let me explain." Is being said again and again amongst other phrases of apologies. I'm not even looking into her eyes but instead at her right hand that's in my grasp. I'm memorizing all its small details.

It's only when I feel her left hand touch my chin that I look up into her eyes. Her puffy red soft eyes. Eyes that used to be filled with love and admiration.

In a blink, I felt her lips kiss my head one final time and her hand slip from my own.

"No." I weakly say to the air in the car.

My eyes find themselves on Y/N as she walks to the front of the car. Mr. Bronson rolls down the window for her and says, "She'll be safe."

Is he talking about me? I watch Y/N nod at his words before the doors lock around me.

I have to get out. I have to yell to her. Let her know how sorry I am.

As the window rolls up, the impact of this morning comes crashing onto me. This is it. This is the end of her and I.

This is for her, and it kills me.

I look up to see the color drained from her eyes. I don't think she realized it, but she gave me a slight smile, almost of reassurance. I go to call out, but the window closes on me.

In an instant, Mr. Bronson pulls the car away from the last person I loved.

Numb.

That's what I felt the whole ride back to my apartment. That's all I still feel.

I didn't look up once the whole ride. I didn't bother checking my phone anymore, either.

I'm now standing outside my apartment door. I don't know how long I've been standing here, but my legs are starting to hurt. Hell, I don't even remember bringing up all this shit with me. My water, phone, and tote.

Wait.

Fuck.

A tote. Full of Y/N's stuff...

I rest my forehead against my apartment door. I don't think I have any more tears to shed, so instead, I whimper against the cold door. The image of Y/N looking at me in the backseat not leaving my head. Each time I close my eyes, I see her hurting.

I swallow whatever I have left in my mouth and pull myself up and away from the door. I pull my phone out, looking at the million notifications to see that more time has passed than I thought.

A part of me knows I should go inside my apartment, call my team, have them go over everything with me. Get myself cleaned up and never think about Y/N again.

But that's wrong. I was wrong.

What was I thinking?

Opting for a cab instead of my driver was new. The truth is I didn't want to see Mr. Bronson after everything he witnessed this morning. I'm going to have to remind myself to give him a big bonus when the time comes.

Over the course of the ride, I've tried texting and calling Y/N multiple times to no answer. My team has tried reaching out to me as well, but deep down, Rhonda knows I will be out of commission today.

It's almost two now, and after a silent cab ride, I'm in front of Y/N's building. No, I don't expect her to be there when I build up the courage to head up, but I'm still scared.

With Y/N's keys in my hand, I slide the key into the lock and turn it slowly until I hear the door click. I take the key out and push the door open, allowing myself to enter.

I first notice how all the curtains are drawn back, allowing light in. I don't think we left it like that.

I go to call out, but another voice stops me.

"Y/N?"

It's a familiar voice coming from the bedroom. I shut the front door behind me.

"Y/N?"

I hear the voice begin to walk out from the back, and my heart stops when I see who it is.

She's dressed down in a casual fit. Black sweats and a black graphic tee to match. She'd never be caught wearing this out. So my guess is she saw the news and came straight here.

Here, huh?

"Mary-Kate, what are you doing here?"

"Oh, Lizzie? Where's Y/N?" My older sister rebuttals. I ignore the soft tone she just used.

MK takes a step forward. I try to keep my face strong, but she looks at me, and for a second, I see the disappointment on my sister's face. She's connecting the dots.

I turn away from MK and start dumping Y/N's stuff on her small dining room table. I can feel MK's eyes on me as I try to focus.

"Lizzie?"

"What?" I bite back as I feel her presence getting closer to me.

"What happened?"

I let the tote fall from my hand as I close my eyes and turn around. I open them to see MK's face. She was watching me with such intensity. It's the same look she has when I visit her and Ash at The Row. But instead of fabrics and materials to look over, it's me—her little sister.

MK moves forward and wraps her arms wound me. Like me, MK needs physical touch sometimes. It's our love language. So this tiny gesture means more. I'm led to the couch with help from MK before she sits down next to me.

I haven't broken down yet- well, since earlier but MK sees my face. She sees how exhausting it is. She knows I've cried off and on since it happened. So before I open my mouth, MK stops me.

"Are you okay?"

I shake my head no.

"Lizzie, I-"

"We're done."

MK looks at me, slightly confused, so with a clear throat, I give her more.

"It's all my fault."

"Lizzie, what do you mean?"

I turn to my sister, slightly frustrated. With her, but mainly at the guy who thought it was cool enough to do this to Y/N. Through the texts and calls I've been dodging, I saw that the legal team that reached out earlier found out who the guy was and is working with my team and the FBI.

"MK. People know more about her than ever before, and it's all because of me. All because she was dating Elizabeth Olsen. I couldn't protect her. I can't have her be with me."

I start to feel my cheeks burning up.

MK nods along but not knowing what to say. I look into her eyes, which have now become slightly glossed over. "Where is Y/N?"

"I-I don't know..."

MK lets out a frustrated sigh before turning away from me.

"You're gonna need to tell me more."

"I broke up with her-" MK looks a little pissed off at me. "You left her." I furrow my eyebrows. "I didn't leave her. She put me in the car and-" "Why?"

"Why what?" I once again can feel my annoyance working up. There's a certain kind that only siblings can get out of you.

"Why did you break up with her?" I sigh and put my head in my hands before scoffing as I face MK. "Have you not been listening to me? Hell, I'm sure you saw the news! That's why you're here, isn't it? To be here for her?!"

MK shakes her head at me. "All I hear is you making excuses, Lizzie." MK gets up and starts walking to the kitchen. I probably shouldn't, but I get up and follow her, continuing our spat.

"What's my excuse then?" MK closes the fridge she just opened and turns to me.

"Your excuse is that you think you're protecting her, but you're not! What you think breaking up with the person you love is going to make everything easier suddenly and everyone forget? You're smarter than that, Lizzie."

I go to open my mouth, but MK steps closer stopping me as she keeps going.

"So you're using those reasons as an excuse just to get out of a good relationship again."

Everything she says hurts me in ways I haven't thought about in a long time.

"What the fuck do you mean 'again'?" I watch my older sister roll her eyes. "First, Robbie. Now Y/N." She states as she walks past me thinking she's won.

"Pretty convenient you left out Boyd, huh." I spit out as I turn my body to see her stop in the middle of the apartment.

"You're not serious right now." She lifts her left hand with her index finger extended. I step out from the kitchen to get closer to her.

"No, I am. Boyd and I were doing well until Mary-Kate Olsen came along."

"You were too good for Boyd. He cheated on you. All I did was simply deliver the news. I never slept with Boyd, Lizzie. How many times do I have to convince you of that." Her voice goes wary at the end. Shit, I knew this would hit a nerve. But it's too late.

"Isn't that why you're here?"

MK lifts her eyes to meet mine.

"Jesus, Lizzie." MK scoffs. "No. I came here hoping to see a friend. Someone that I actually love and care about instead of pretending to do those things."

"I never pretended!" I yell before MK fires back, "Then where the fuck is she!" MK runs a hand through her hair before walking away towards the window.

She's right. I still have no idea where she is.

"No one's heard from her." I hear MK's broken voice. She turns her eyes to me as she leans against the wall near the window.

"Did you even think about how she feels?"

"I didn't have time." I close my eyes and sigh, hearing how tag sounds, but surprisingly, Mary-Kate doesn't stop me. I open my eyes to see her waiting for me to continue. Her stance has gotten softer, and my sister is coming back.

"I mean.. it all happened so fast. One minute we were having the morning of our lives, and the next, it was like I was being torn apart." MK brings herself off the wall as she pays close attention. "I hadn't looked at my phone all morning except for one time, so we had some time to kill as we were on the way to my place. I start checking messages and emails from my team about some upcoming interviews and projects. But in an instant, it changed. All of this shit started coming out about Y/N. Parts of her phone number, videos, and pics of her from work. Pics of us together."

I move myself to the couch as my mind relives the events of this morning.

"I got a phone call from Marla." MK has now sat down next to me.

"She told me that they could have Robbie and his team put out a statement saying how we haven't been together in over a month but that there was still the matter of Y/N's safety..." I calm my breathing before continuing. "I still listened to Marla go on to say that whoever doxxed Y/N had to be close to her. I now have a legal team working on the case. They know who did it."

MK nods at me. "At a certain point, I couldn't focus on the call. All I could think about was that none of this would have happened if Y/N and I weren't together. My mind was spiraling, but I got snapped out of it when Y/N called my name." I can feel my eyes start to water as I turn to MK, but my mind sees Y/N in the backseat of the car.

"She looked so scared." I feel my body start to give out, so thankfully, my sister is here to put her arms around me.

"I tried to explain it to her, but it happened quickly. We went from the car to the street to us crying together, and then I was in the car by myself as it was pulling away from her." I give my best summary of the situation, knowing she'll fill in the blanks. "I regret it," I mumble.

"Lizzie," MK says as she moves away from me. "I understand that what you think you did was right at the time. But since you couldn't explain it to her, she must've felt so blindsided and hurt. And I know you're hurting too.. but what now? What's your next step?"

I shrug and let my body fall into the couch.

"I knew she wasn't going to be here, but a small part of me hoped," I say without looking at MK. "Me too."

With the awkward air clouding us, MK decided to get some tea going for us while we waited for any news.

By the time MK places our teas on the coffee table, her phone goes off. I lean up on the couch as MK looks at the caller ID.

"Ash." She says as the phone still rings. "Do you want to..?" I shake my head no as MK nods and takes the phone to Y/N's bedroom to answer the call.

I hear a bit of the conversation, and I'm pretty sure I heard MK cry, reminding me that I need to apologize for the awful things I said. But that's for later. Right now, I'm texting Y/N and calling everyone I think could help.

I give the majority of them a shorthand version of today's events and just hope that they can help.

It's after 3 now, and of course, Max doesn't answer me back. No surprise. I texted Chris E hoping he could put some of that Cap charm to good use. I even have Marla try and reach out.

I'm about to scroll through to see what the world thinks of me at the moment when my phone starts ringing. I immediately hit the green button without thinking about who it is.

"Lizzie! Oh my God. Are you two okay?"

I lift my phone to see who I'm talking to: Scarlett🕷️

I open my mouth to say yes, but that's a lie. Instead, I sigh. Scarlett must've heard because before I speak, she does. "Where are you?"

"Y/N's."

"Okay, good. Yeah, going back to your place might not be a good idea. I bet the paparazzi are just waiting. If you two need a place to stay, you know you're always more than welcome-"

"Scarlett." I cut her off. "I ended it with Y/N."

For a second, it felt like Scarlett hung up. There was no noise coming from her end until I heard a very calm Scarlett. "Honey, could you watch Rose for a minute? I'll be right back."

Oh no. I knew what was coming. Scarlett's angered breaths came through the phone before I heard a door close.

"Elizabeth Olsen, what the fuck are you talking about?"

This is just the start.

"What do you mean you ended things? Before or after the news broke?!"

"After bu-"

"LIZZIE!" I pull the phone slightly away from my ear. "You are so lucky I'm pregnant right now!"

"But Scarlett-"

"Where is she?!" My eyes go wide as Scarlett just did her best Bat-Growl. "I- I don't know..."

I hear Scar let out a shaky breath like I've done all day.

"Do you think she's safe?"

"I can only hope.. she is not answering anyone's messages or returning anyone's calls."

"I can try my best, but Lizzie, why?"

"Did you not see my messages?"

"No, I just got back from my spa day. I only saw the news of Y/N's leak. One sec."

I hear Scarlett start shuffling her phone around. I don't know if Scarlett forgot I could hear her, but I hear a lot of tsks and huffs. After what feels like forever, I hear The Black Widow breathe again.

"Oh, Liz..."

"I know. I keep trying, but I get nothing."

"Does she know the real reason-" "I tried. But no."

"Maybe just give her space and-"

"I'm not leaving her, Scar."

Even though I literally did.

"I didn't say that. Just give her some space to try and process it all. It would be best if you had it too. Who knows, maybe she'll figure out your true intentions and meet you halfway. But for now, ease off and focus on the tasks that you have now. Are you seeking legal action?"

Scarlett's right. Man, I'm not too fond of it when she's right.

"Yeah, we had some firm reach the second the news broke. Marla and Rhonda are dealing with it. I also have them try and reach out to Y/N since she'll more than likely have to appear in court, but I don't know..."

Scarlett doesn't immediately pipe up, so I guess she's taking all of it in.

"Lizzie, can I ask you something?"

"Okay," I say with an unsure tone.

"If Y/N was right before you, would you fight for her or let her go?"

"If I'm being honest with you, Scar, I regret telling her we couldn't be together. But at the same time, none of this would've happened if she wasn't with me. I would want to fight for her, but I don't know who that would end up hurting the most.."

I swallow another pool of guilt.

"Damn. Okay. Way not to answer my question, but I understand. Your mind is probably spinning, thinking one thing is better than the next."

I nod to her words. She knows me so well.

I hear Scarlett turn away from the phone. I'm guessing her little spawn is missing her mom.

"Well, as I said, focus on you right now. While I am very upset with you for how it all happened, I know you meant well, Lizzie. I love you. The offer still stands if you need a place to crash."

For the first time in a long line of hours, I smile.

"Thank you, Scarlett. I love you too. Please give my Rosie a big hug for me." Scarlett chuckles at that.

"Oh, and Lizzie. Maybe work on an apology."

"My minds been reeling already thinking of the million things I'd want to say."

"Bye, Lizzie!"

"Bye, Scarlett."

I end the call and drop the phone onto my lap. I close my eyes and let out a large breath I was holding in. I run my hands over my exhausted face and try to listen to Scarlett's words about focusing on the next thing.

"Well-" I jump at the sudden words coming from my sister. "Ash ain't exactly on team Lizzie."

I shut my eyes to her words. "There's no teams."

"I know.. I just.." I open one of my eyes to her and wait.

"Never mind." MK now is standing at the entryway to the living room awkwardly, even though it's neither of our place. I watch my sister's fingers start picking at her own hands.

"Did you quit?" I raise an eyebrow.

MK stops picking now that she knows I noticed.

"Trying to." I lift my body from the couch as we're having a normal conversation for the first time today. "Since when?"

"It'll be a month tomorrow. If I don't break by then." If I was MK, I would've.

I move off of the couch and bring myself to my sister to wrap her into a hug. "I'm proud of you," I say when her ear lines up to me. MK has always struggled with addiction. Ash for a while, too, but MK was the twin that never could stop. It took a toll on her and many relationships, but the fact that she's gone this long without killing her lungs with another puff means more.

But we both know this hug between us isn't just about that.

"I'm sorry."

"Me too."

We end up squeezing each other for longer, and by the time we're done, I see that both our eyes have become a little glossy.

"Lizzie, I don't want to worsen your day, but you smell. You need a shower bad."

I laugh as I wipe my eyes free from emotions.

"How about you hop into the shower, and I can order us something? We both need food in our stomachs."

MKs, right I haven't eaten since this morning, and it's now late afternoon. I wonder if Y/N's eaten- "Already, what do you want?" MK pulls me from my depressing thoughts as she holds out numerous take-out menus.

I skim over the options before I land on an Italian place. "You would," MK says as she pulls her phone out to dial them. "Usual?" She looks back at me as I nod.

While Mary-Kate orders, I head into the bedroom and start grabbing a comfortable pair of clothes to wear post-shower. I smile to myself when I find Y/N's Elizabeth Olsen collage shirt on the floor. I think about it before deciding that this will be my fit for tonight.

Before my body pulls me to the bathroom to shower, I quickly stop at Y/N's desk. On top, I see her journals. I grab the 2019 one that she let me read the day I met her mom. The first day we said 'I love you' in person. I flip through the pages before finding the same song that caught my eye previously.

All Eyes On Me

Are you feeling nervous?

It's just begun Don't overthink this Look in my eye

Come on in, the water's fine

We're goin' to go where everybody knows Everybody knows, everybody, We're goin' to go where everybody knows Everybody knows

Get your fuckin' hands up

All eyes on me, all eyes on me

Y/N mentioned how this one is still a work in progress. Years long by now. I told her it could be updated, but I doubt that's happening anytime soon.

I flip through some more. With each word I read, I get sad at the thought of Y/N writing this based on what's happening in her life, but at the same time, it's like she's telling us that it's okay. That we can laugh. Strange, I know.

After wasting who knows how long, I finally managed to move my feet to the shower.

"Thank you once again for getting dinner," I say as I swallow my last bit of pasta. "It's no worries." MK shrugs it off.

Once we're both satisfied enough, I bring our dishes to the kitchen and start to get to work while MK checks her phone, hoping to see anything new. With a simple shake of the head, I know my answer. I'm not shocked, but it sucks. I ask her to check my phone, and I haven't received anything from Y/N either. I get messages from just about everyone else on the planet telling me they reach out to Y/N but have come up empty-handed.

As I finish up the dishes, I watch MK go into Y/N's room and come back with two jackets. Wait..

"Going somewhere?" I ask, drying the final glass.

"We are." I dry my hands and join MK in the living room.

"Where?" MK slips on her coat and just looks at me. "Remember your freshman year at NYU?" I smile as I think back. "Yeah."

"Then let's go," MK says as I follow behind her as we walk out. I made sure to grab Y/N's keys and lock up.

I open the door to the roof as the nighttime early summer air breezes past me.

I make my way toward the middle of the roof and stand there looking out in all directions before finally looking up at the sky.

MK walks up next to me and comforts me. At the same time, I wrap an arm around her to comfort my older sister.

We stand there for a couple of minutes, letting the city speak for us.

"The views are definitely different," I say, earning a soft laugh from MK. "Yeah, it is. But you're not spending a shit load on getting it."

I nod. "True."

I released myself from MK and take a seat on a smaller, higher rooftop before closing my eyes and letting my back lay against the cool rooftop.

When my eyes open, I'm in awe at the small number of stars I can see. A tiny part of me is wondering if Y/N is doing the same.

I wonder how she feels. Is it regret for meeting me? Guilt? Pain? Love?

"What did Scarlett say earlier?"

Of course, she heard.

"Just that I should give her some space and work up an apology."

"Do you disagree?" I shake my head no. "But I want to let her know what I really mean and want."

"In time, Lizzie."

We sit in silence for what feels like an hour but honestly was probably fifteen minutes.

"Ready?" I tilt my head to see MK standing to my left, ready to go.

I lightly nod and join MK near the roof access door.

I'd love to say that because of how exhausted I am, my mind would be the same, but it's still replaying the day's events and making me feel worse with each hour that passes.

I'm reasonably certain MK was about to ask to stay the night, but after a movie that neither of us paid attention to, she decided against it.

MK and I told each other that the second we heard anything from Y/N, we would let the other person know; however, I have a sneaky suspicion that MK already heard back.

And that hurts.

I begin locking up Y/N's place. Windows. Check. Doors Check. Making sure the oven is off even though I didn't touch it. Check.

With my mind still not shutting off, I choose to find something to occupy my time. I debate whether to text Y/N about a dozen times but untimely choose against it. So without realizing it, I once again find myself in front of Y/N's desk. However, I don't have the 2019 journal in my hand. I found an empty one.

I have no one else on my mind except the last person I loved. So I decided to do what she's done many times over. I begin writing. Lyrics? Letter? A poem or a note, I don't know.

I hope she's safe. I hope she comes back.

I want to see her, even if it's one last time.

Part 23

A/N

So here's what was going on with Liz!

22 notes · View notes

maddies-chronicles · 5 months

Text

okay i can't believe i didn't share this dream with y'all today?? it's lowkey the only thing happening in my brain right now.

okay. so, as some of you may know, i'm a very spiritual, witchcraft-y, paganism/wiccanism person, right? all of that stuff is super super interesting to me, and i'm not totally sure how to label my religious belief system, but my spiritual and religious beliefs are really special to me!

read more bc the context for the dream is LONG and also a lot of it gets like... DEEPLY personal so if you're not chill with knowing me like that, feel free to skip over.

okay, so, for context, there was this boy i grew up with, and i was absolutely WHIPPED for this man. why? i don't really know. he's kind of mediocre, actually, but something about him is absolutely fucking entracing to me. like, i would dare say i'm in love with him. i've never had a crush this bad before or since. we'll call this guy jayden (my DR s/o is based off this man).

my actual relationship to jayden was always very complicated. we totally hated each others guts in middle school. this was for a lot of different, complicated reasons, but the main one was that my (ex-)best friend told me a lot of stuff about him that was wildly unflattering to say the least, and also blatantly untrue. so i was um. really mean to jayden. mostly because i was under the impression that he was a bully and a racist. now was he a bully? kind of. but he was also a fourteen year old boy. and also he totally wasn't racist, which i found out many years later.

anyway, i dropped the best friend and fate put jayden right next to me in tenth grade history. i realized he was actually quite funny and sweet, and kind of good-looking, and now my life is ruined. i was too much of a coward to ever reach out and talk to him, or explain my middle school self's actions. i did end up apologizing for being a massive dick to him, and he kind of apologized for being mean to me as well (even though i literally don't think he was ever mean to me??? like i cannot recall a single instance of him being mean to me specifically), and then we never spoke again. but i kinda fumbled my shot with him, even though legit everyone was like "hale don't be stupid he's fully in love with you". i left him a stupid anonymous note confessing my crush like some kind of child, and then started flirting with another guy who i didn't really care about to mask the fact that i liked jayden. jayden blocked me soon after. which. fair.

my ex-best friend uhhh. kind of sucked really bad. we'll call her lorelai. i ended up dropping a lot of friends because lorelai just told me shit about them that was blatantly untrue, including one of my other childhood best friends. we'll call him joel.

so, joel and i were never all that close actually. i think we were just close in my head. either way, i ended up having a lot of regret surrounding both jayden and joel, because looking back i think we could have had really good connections, and because of how things happened with lorelai, i never really learned how to make friends. like, i still don't really know? i think i'm kind of undersocialized. not the point. i think i'm oversharing.

so, finally getting to the dream!!! jayden and i were in some kind of class together. i think it was like a gym class outside of school? and he and i were talking, but only because we didn't really know anyone else, and we were the only two people our age there. everything was really awkward.

suddenly the dream fully stops. the scene around me fades, and i'm in this strange, white-light, liminal space. some kind of spirit appears wearing joel's face, and he tells me that i screwed things up with jayden because i was afraid, and that i was so unhappy with my current life because i never acted upon my desires, and any actions i did take didn't have my whole heart behind them. then i woke up.

let me tell you... i have NEVER, in my life, had a dream that vivid or that blunt. so, of course, i wake up shaken. i immediately text all my spiritual friends, and they all think it's super weird. i start examining some of my decisions and why i'm so unhappy in life, and it kind of hits me- yeah. i do lack follow-through. i'm too scared to actually do the things i know will be best for me, because i always worry about affecting other people in a negative way. i don't go after what i want, and i never have. today i blocked a few people in my life who've been continuously causing me stress, and who i was previously too scared to block, and i was instantly a million times happier. it was like ten pounds was just fully lifted off my shoulders.

and then ANOTHER funny thing happened- i turned on this song, which i've been playing on loop for like a full week. inertia, by ajr. can you guess what that song is about? correct! being to scared/unmotivated to follow through on what's best for you, even though you're unhappy with where you are.

and now i'm imagining my spirit guides watching me and being like "this dumb bitch-" and then sending me that dream. honestly, i thank them. i would NEVER have gotten the message otherwise.

i don't really know what the moral here is but today has just been. so crazy. and now i'm genuinely going to rethink my life.

#SORRY THIS GOT WAYYY MORE PERSONAL THAN I MEANT FOR IT TO #tw mild vent #tw racism mention #tw manipulation #hale's dream journal #dreams #spirituality #spiritual awakening #spiritual development #spiritualjourney #spirit guides #spirit guidance

7 notes · View notes

neversummerdecker · 1 year

Text

Songs I Associate with Theo Decker

I think about this stuff a lot. (tw: brief reference to attempted suicide)

1. For No One by The Beatles

Why? This song pretty much tells the story of Pippa and Theo’s relationship/friendship. “ You want her, you need her/ And yet you don't believe her/ When she says her love is dead/ You think she needs you”

Theo’s attachment to Pippa is unreciprocated. He thinks he needs her (in reality, he projects the loss of his mother onto her, as one of his connections to Audrey and the incident) and kind of deludes himself into thinking she feels the same way. Pippa, however, has to be away from him in order to heal.

2. Lost Weekend by Lloyd Cole and the Commotions

Lyrics: “It took a lost weekend in a hotel in Amsterdam/ Twenty-four gone years to conclude in tears.” Basically when Theo takes the pills in Amsterdam, so this one is sorta obvious. After all the years of trying to find direction and be happy after Audrey’s death, that’s how he feels it’s going to end.

3. Hard Feelings by Lorde

Lyrics: “Cause I remember the rush when forever was us/ Before all of the winds of regret and mistrust/ Now we sit in your car and our love is a ghost”

This is a boreo song through and through, specifically when they meet again as adults and Theo finds out about Boris stealing the painting. The “rush” of their adolescent years contrasted against the “winds of regret and mistrust” of the present day.

4. Bloodbuzz Ohio by The National

Lyrics: “I still owe money to the money, to the money I owe/I never thought about love when I thought about home.” I don’t really have any specific reasons here, just the idea of not feeling loved or at home anywhere after Audrey’s death, and always feeling burdened with something.

5. Pictures of You by The Cure

Lyrics: “I've been looking so long at these pictures of you/ That I almost believe that they're real.” Originally, I’m assuming this was written in reference to a romantic relationship, but in a Goldfinch context, you can apply it to Theo’s inability to move on from not only Audrey, but from who he was when she passed away.

Miscellaneous songs based on vibes alone: Authority by The Church; Heart It Races by Architecture in Helsinki; Epiphany by Taylor Swift; Sight of You by Pale Saints; Pale Blue Eyes by The Velvet Underground; Bye Bye Bye by *NSYNC :D

#the goldfinch #tgf #the goldfinch meta #donna tartt #the goldfinch analysis #literature #theo decker #boris pavlikovsky #pippa blackwell #boreo

28 notes · View notes

consistentsquash · 1 year

Text

HP Fic Recs! Snapecase Sunday!

Check out Snapecase! The fest is still going on. Lots of Snape centric fics/art! I didn't get the time to read everything but I got some recs from my reading. Definitely check out the fest for yourself.

5 fav fics with 5 different vibes.

Candles Lit Against the Dark

Pairing - McGonagall/Grubbly Plank.

Length - 11000 words

Vibe - Feel good with a happy ending. BANTER!!!!

Author's summary - It's been a few months since Minerva's retirement, and she'd promised Wil a dinner out. Before she knows it, friends start turning up on her doorstep and then at the pub, not least among them a certain spy who came in from the cold.

Rec - READ THIS! The longest fic of the fest iirc. But also the best! My favorite fic of 2023 so far!! Don't miss this fic! I love literally everything about it. The prose, the really sharp banter, the characterizations, the dynamics of their relationships. A lot of times we get to see the postwar setting when stuff is really raw or when they sort of got over it. This fic has a really low stakes premise of a retirement party but the undercurrents of their history/war is super present. The writing has this really precise balance where it feels light but it is at the same time dealing with tons and tons of complicated PTSD and messy baggage. ALSO SNARRY! Technically background Snarry but not really. It's right in your face. McGonagall's face I mean! :D :D ALSO THE BANTER! Sorry but not sorry! This is an ALL CAPS SCREAMING fic. Some real Seinfeld moments with the sharp banter.

Vibe quote

Wil wasn't a smirker, but it was a near thing. "Not that our dear old Skunk isn't capable of riding a bucking broom into the nearest cloud all on his own, but I did put the wind up his bristles. The therapeutic effects of working with the herd get raised now and then when we're out on the hillside and Severus is in a receptive mood. Harry being one of our lad's personal Boggarts – not that that's ever been a secret – I thought it worth mentioning his recent distress. Divorce and all. Gave my opinion that somebody ought to nudge the lad into beneficial activity."

Rec note - the fic that made me late for work. No regrets.

Womb

Pairing - gen, Phineas POV

Length - 2900 words.

Vibe - Angst with a happy ending. GENDER!!!

Author's Summary - Phineas revisits the question of legacy.

Rec - a solid premise of Found Family with a twist like A Christmas Carol. Phineas thinks his legacy is over because Sirius is dead. But he starts to accept legacy isn't about blood and "adopts" Snape. I mean. Sort of. Technically he saves Snape. I mean. It's complicated! Read it read it read it!!!! OMG!!!! It's a beautiful and eerie fic with lots of unforgivable magic which you forgive anyway because the motive is love. Also lots of gender. Definitely be careful with this fic if you have some gender dysphoria. It has a lot of detach/remove and some really clever techniques to kind of abstract the harder stuff so it doesn't feel dysphoric but these things can be YMMV. Phineas POV! He is super hard to sympathize with because he's pretty much into the purity thing. But you can definitely see where he is coming from and why/how he changes. ALSO SNARRY PRESLASH??

Rec note - So this fic has some serious Giger vibes. Giger designed the chestburster Alien in the Alien franchise. A strange combo of gender imagery.

Vibe Quote

And out came bursting a stick-shaped, sour-shaped man, bawling as only a newborn could, naked as something sprung from the mother, with pigment smearing him in afterbirth.

Some Semblance of Family

Pairing - gen, Eileen POV

Length - 2200 words.

Vibe - Angst with Glass Onion vibes!

Author's Summary - Eileen returns to Prince House on familial business.

Rec - Hardcore Snape fam angst. Really brilliant/sharp Eileen characterization. Love the character study. Also really loved the world building in the fic! Shortfic but does a lot with the word count! It's going to break your heart.

Vibe quote

Eileen realised that her great uncle was right, that she was wrong, that she had allowed hope, as usual, to poison her, and with a bitter, eldritch shriek, she began unburdening herself of her own searing disappointment.

The Watched Pot

Genfic with Snape POV.

Length - 2100 words.

Vibe - Angst!

Author's Summary -In the aftermath, Severus has no plan other than a potion.

Rec - I don't want to spoil the fic because the suspense is a big part of this fic. It's a brilliant Snape POV fic with super sharp characterization of Eileen and her relationship with her son. Heartbreaking. But ofc it's Snape. That's his thing!

Vibe Quote

"It's an old wives' tale, you know," Eileen says. "What is?" "That a watched pot never boils. Eventually, with enough time and heat, everything boils."

It was Magic

Pairing - Tobias/Eileen

Length - 1100 words

Vibe - SCHEMING!

Author's Summary -Tobias and Eileen's wedding day is the result of a magical connection.

Rec - OMG! This fic! Tobias and Eileen are big little liars!! Lots of intrigue/mystery/complicated motives. But you also feel for them and also feel really scared for their future/Snape's future. Super sharp writing which keeps you guessing nonstop!

Vibe quote

It's a small wedding because neither Tobias nor Eileen have any family, at least, that's what they've told each other.

30 notes · View notes

flowersofjannah · 8 months

Note

assalamualaikum sis, do you have any posts/tips for asking questions to a potential spouse?

Wa 'alaykum assalam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh!

Yes I do!!!! ^.^

Don't bother with meaningless questions, go directly to the important ones. You'll save so much time! I had matrimonial settings multiple times and I got so over the time wasting and nonsense conversations that I had started jumping straight to the important stuff. My husband said that was one of the things that took him off guard lol but he liked it for our talks because it showed I was serious for marriage and allowed us to delve into important things from day 1. By day 1 he was pretty confident about me and by day 2, he knew I was the one according to him (took me longer though lol.)

Important questions I asked included how he is about religion and family, what he wants out of a marriage, what does he want in a wife, etc.

Make a top 3 traits list in your head and give the person who has those 3 traits a complete chance. You WILL get doubts but ignore it and give them a full chance, unless of course there is something that's really bothering you about him. Out of fear of the future and our own insecurities, we tend to make a small matter into a big and negative matter in our heads even though it's not something that matters much. Ignore those whispers and continue focusing on the bigger and more important things. Don't focus on, oh he's messy or he doesn't know how to clean a toilet. Trust me, these are so small. He'll learn if he cares for you. I am the messy one in our relationship but since our marriage, I'm a lot better because I know it would bother my husband seeing our place all messy lol, so in sha Allah your spouse will work on himself for you too as you shall do for him also.

Notice how he is with family, how he talks about them. A previous man I had talked to always avoided talking about parents and family which was a big red flag to me. You would want to talk about the people you care about but this guy didn't. So much so, he even said his family resides in Saudi and he in the USA but he makes his whole family come to USA to meet him rather than him, a single person going to Saudi, because "it's easier that way." Umm lol it's easier for a single person to go than calling over a whole family to you yearly. BIG RED FLAG. In contrast, my husband would talk about his sisters more than himself sometimes which was a big green flag for me - if he admires his sisters so much, he'll treat me well in sha Allah and isn't a mysogynist, he would take care of fulfilling my rights. My husband along with talking about his family often also assured me that he wouldn't allow them to interfere in our marriage even though he loves, respects, and admires them greatly...another important topic to bring up!!!

Talk about finances and household. How would we handle our money post marriage? Same bank account, different accounts? Def ask for the reason for his answer. Allowance for the wife? How open is to meet you in the middle if you had differing views?

How does he expect you to be with his family? Ask him how he wishes to be with your family.

Things like "i like to travel, watch documentaries, cook, bake, etc" are slightly important but not too important. Again, if he cares, he'll suck it up and try to do things you like for you even if he may not enjoy it. I just rode on a rollercoaster for my husbands sake yesterday even though I was super scared, boy my body is still regretting it. And on the other end, my husband played with some cats and put birds on his shoulders because I love animals and he was super scared lol. That is marriage, doing things you don't necessarily like for the other persons happiness. It's give and take!

The biggest things I would say are how he is in religion and family, how is his character. And does he respect you? There cannot be a happy marriage without mutual respect!! A marriage without respect is worse than a marriage without love. How do we know if he respects you - Does he listen when you talk? Does he take into consideration your differing views? Does he talk to you kindly? Does he look out for your comfort? Does he put in effort to make time for you?

I do advice doing premarital counseling if you guys seem to be getting along well. I STRONGLY recommend it.

And of course, super important - keep it halal and do your istikhara and duas every step of the way sis!

I hope I helped in sha Allah! If I think of more things, I'll be sure to update this post in sha Allah ^.^

All the best sister ❤️

9 notes · View notes

Last Seen Blogs