#a new med making me be the most productive i've been in years

[thebibliosphere]

Hi there, ive come from your post about ADHD and emotional disregulation, firstly thank you so much for putting it into words, its such a complicated part of how i deal with emotions and i havent ever been able to articulate how to why.

Secondly, in that post you mentioned how you've used stress as a motivator and how eventually your stress regualtion broke, i was wondering if you'd be willing to talk about that? (If not, its not a problem)

I feel like the same thing has happened to me but until i read your post i had no idea that something had... snapped? I suppose? I struggle with motivation all the time and in the past id have a week or a few days left and id be able to suddently push myself very hard to complete whatever it is before the deadline, just barely making it in most cases. However now it seems that i can't find that motivation anymore, deadlines come and pass and i can't being myself to work on anything, and i just end up spiralling into shame and guilt. That motivation was the only thing that I was able to rely on sometimes for things like uni, and i conviced myself that it was just me growing lazy or trying to get out of responsibility as to why the "last minute panic-mode" doesnt work anymore.

Again, if you don't wanna tackle this can of worms or if it's something youd rather not post online i totally get it, its no biggie! thanks so much for making the original post as well, it means a lot

Hello friend, thanks for the message. I'm sorry you're also dealing with this.

The good news here is that I've already talked about this using the rubber band analogy my therapist gave me. (Stress is like a Rubber Band)

If you don't have the mental bandwidth to read all of it now, the tl;dr is "stress is like a rubber band; it can stretch to hold numerous things in place when you need to, but if you do it too often or keep adding more and more strain under the band, the elastic eventually becomes brittle and snaps, taking your mental and sometimes physical health with it too."

I've been in intensive therapy for this for roughly three years now, and trying to piece my brain back together after my last bout of stress-induced productivity gave me a total mental breakdown.

It's... odd not being able to use stress and having to actively avoid it to avoid a relapse. But it is doable. Medication would help, but alas, I've got weird health issues and am unmedicated at the minute.

(And just in case that sparks anyone to go, "Oh, you do all this unmedicated! Wow, that's so inspiring!" as sometimes parents do to me on here as they then tell me they don't want to medicate their kids, I've unfortunately also written a post about what that kind of success looks like from an unmedicated perspective and the kind of suicidal ideation I deal with on the regular because I cannot take meds. It is not pleasant reading, but it is necessary for some folks, specifically anti-med, "if you just tried harder" people.)

A book you may find helpful is Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle, by Emily and Amelia Nagoski. It was very validating for me to read about other people going through the same things, and made me feel less of a "this is a personal failing on my part" and more of a "Oh okay yeah, no stress literally breaks people."

It helped soothe some of my own internalized "I just need to try harder" and helped cement me on the path I was already going down with my ADHD therapist toward changing how I view myself and how I manage my ADHD.

I hope that helps! If you've got more specific questions or I didn't touch on something in my old post, I can try to answer them :)

#chronic health tag #adult adhd #adhd

[moregraceful]

do it scared and do it alone but do it anyway...

I went to a softball clinic by myself and that was very scary but ultimately very fun!! And got claimed for a team immediately, I think because I was uhhh trying so hard but had a good attitude about being so bad at everything. They made me choose a number so I choose 55 😭 NOT a pitcher tho, they tried me at second base and the outfield and while I fear I am destined to be an outfielder due to not knowing how to do like anything, second base was so much fun. Someday I will be a infielder 😤 Also my parents are so excited for me in ways they have not been excited about me in years. Apparently they were both softball players which I did not know, but it is very charming to me...they were a pitcher and catcher...omg they could have been batterymates... they were like we are coming to all your games and I was like PLEASE don't.

And I went to a Bay FC season ticket holder thing by myself yesterday and made one whole new situational friend...I'm very excited. It's a very exciting time for Bay Area sports (me making friends and going to sports games that are outdoors.) I still have not bought all my tailgating gear, due to the ordeal of paying taxes, but I'm planning to get it all + all my softball gear after I get my last paycheck from the job.

Today, I got so fed up with how dissatisfied and listless with myself I was feeling and made my to-do list to with my productivity color-coding. Of course all that shit worked for me and I've got through almost half of it already. Always so shocking to me when the productivity tools I developed for myself to work with my dumbass brain work so well...wow... anyway I got through most of the annoying stuff and now just have one (1) psychologically taxing text message to send to do before I get to do the fun stuff. Always nice when things like, work as intended and now I can feel proud of myself for getting lots of things done.

Been a weird WEIRD couple of weeks with this job ending and too much hockey and being fully off my ADHD meds and just everything and everyone, but as always the sun comes out and it feels like everything is manageable for a little bit. Hoping it continues for a while.

#if you saw a version of this post last night...i was too earnest and had to delete it #i'm trying this new thing where i don't doxx myself in the moment and only do it a couple hours to days later haha #but ofc now you know that you can find me at all bay fc games this year lol #fresno oilers.txt #i want boba but i just got a huge boba yesterday...augh

[lifewithchronicpain]

Thousands of people in pain are urging the Drug Enforcement Administration to scrap plans to further reduce the supply of opioid medication in 2024.

The DEA recently announced it would cut production quotas for oxycodone, hydrocodone, codeine and other opioids for the 8th straight year, despite complaints from pain patients and healthcare providers that the medications are already in short supply and difficult to get at pharmacies.

The DEA invited people to comment on its plans in the Federal Register. Over 2,400 have so far – many with heart breaking stories to share about not being able to get the pain medication they need.

“I was finally able to establish a reasonable pain management routine but that was disrupted when my regular pharmacy was no longer able to supply my medication (a moderate dose of Norco) and not a single other pharmacy was willing/able to fill my prescription,” said Jessica Ericksen. “One pharmacy supervisor screamed at my doctor on the phone when he called in to try to get my prescription set up with them. I now have a 1.5 hour round trip drive to get my medication, which is particularly challenging for a disabled person who is unable to drive.” “I am one of the many that has had my life destroyed by the government regulations on pain meds. I haven't been able to get my medications for the better part of a year,” said Paula Perry. “I'm now basically bedridden and praying for death. Stop doing this to people, we are dying and you guys make it worse every year.”

“Most of us in pain have gone through all of the other drugs to treat our pain and these are the drugs of last resort. The opioids don't totally treat our pain but allow us to function,” said Heather Larson. “The DEA needs to stop playing doctor and let the doctor decide what is right to prescribe. If production is cut anymore, people will commit suicide or go to the street for pain medication.” “I have already had to jump through numerous hoops just to be prescribed my meds, but now have to call pharmacy after pharmacy monthly to find my meds, because they are out of stock at every pharmacy around me in a 10-mile radius,” said Jill Bartruff, who suffers from scoliosis. “I also had a surgery in September 2023 and could not find a pharmacy to fill my post op pain meds. I was in immense pain and was unable to advocate for myself to get my meds filled. Imagine being cut open and discharged from the hospital with no pain control.”

“Why do you continue to cut supply when legitimate patients cannot obtain their medications? Many are already out of their meds for weeks on end,” an anonymous poster wrote. “You should be able to see you're making the situation worse.” Are you a U.S. pain patient with an opioid prescription? Please take a few minutes to complete PNN’s survey on how opioid shortages are impacting pain care. It will help us document how serious the problem is. Click here to take the survey. (Read rest of article at link up top)

I've taken the survey, it's a few minutes long and easy enough.

#disability #chronic pain #ableism #spoonies #chronic illness #opioids #opioid crisis #prescription opioids #medical bias #pain patients #survey #article

[penname-artist]

Fall 2023 - Updates and Plans

I didn't get a chance to make a solid update post since there's been a hate spam account bouncing off the walls across multiple accounts (both mine and mutuals' in the fandom) and I wasn't gonna give them an inch of personal gargain to do the old jabby-jabby with.

But in terms of personal news, I'm finally, medically, on the mend. In the near four years since the onset of my mental health problems, I'm finally settled on a decent antidepressant, and it's been doing its job tremendously. I feel like I'm finally getting back this sense of energy, and peace that I haven't had in several years. Whether or not it's enough to give me the strength to go back into the workplace, we have yet to find out.

Although I've been in and out of therapy and shrink's offices and such for several years, the med thing is kind of a whole new ball game now, and one that I'm hopeful for. Both the old PTSD trigger lists have been long-since sorted through, I finished watching Steven Universe, I finished Transformers: Prime, etc etc, there's still a few odds and ends I have yet to engage with but they're not major concerns. The big stuff's been mostly disconnected. The hard part is over. Now I'm just trying to keep things steady again and just get back to where I feel productive and happy. One step- er, I suppose pill - at a time.

In other news, the Disney Planes Discord server, 'Volo Pro Veritas', is about to reach its two-year anniversary. I'm still completely floored that we've managed to keep ourselves afloat for this long, the community and family here is so tight-knit and compassionate and just, the most wonderful people in the world. I'm really honored to have been able to make it this far with all of them (y'all know who you are of course, I would name you but there's too many for me to count lol). So thank you guys. You deserve to celebrate this victory. :)

Lastly there's a few little things I've been trying to chip away at across my accounts. There's some animations and other videos in the works for the YouTube channel, like 60+ fics for Ao3, the Tidbits series is still in the process of being reposted to there and here both, I've got an art trade coming soon, I'm prepping for NaNoWriMo in November, and I *might* be participating somewhat in a friend's challenges for the month of October. We'll see how it pans out ;P

In total, there's a Whole Lot[tm] going on behind the scenes, but I'm still here and pluggin' along. I got my cats, my funky leggings, my button-up shirt full of skulls, mushrooms, and snakes, and a hot cup of pumpkin spice hot cocoa for Spooky Season. Things are doing a'ight.

(And also I finally found a Blade Ranger plushie and holy shit my life will be complete then.)

'Til the morrow, fans and freaks.

#personal post

[chaos-and-ink]

My fav lyrics from The Search (NF)

The Search Last year I had a breakdown / Thoughts tellin' me I'm lost gettin' too loud See, we've all got somethin' that we trapped inside / That we try to suffocate, you know, hopin' it dies / Try to hold it underwater but it always survives / Then it comes up out of nowhere like an evil surprise / Then it hovers over you to tell you millions of lies Just think about it for a second, if you look at your face / Every day when you get up and think you'll never be great / You'll never be great, not because you're not, but the hate / Will always find a way to cut you up and murder your faith

Leave Me Alone Ruminating, filled balloons full of doubts / Do the same things, if I don't, I'm overwhelmed / Thoughts are pacing, they go 'round and 'round and 'round / It's so draining, let's move onto something else, fine Hold up my balloons and cover up my face / I can feel them weighing on me every day / I should let 'em go and watch 'em float away / But I'm scared if I do, then I'll be more afraid I don't need advice from my doubts right now / End of conversation

Change I don't do drugs, I'm addicted to the pain though / Yeah, I been on it for a while, dunno how to put it down You don't know what love is 'til you holdin' onto somethin' that you can't lose Most of my life, I always felt like I was holdin' my breath / Holdin' my chest to be honest, so I'm tired of it / Lookin' for somethin' in my life to be inspired again Yeah, I don't like new things / Got a lot of mood swings That's me avoidin' the change / Yeah, that's probably why the issues ain't goin' away / Yeah, that's probably why I always sit around and complain / Tellin' myself that I ain't never gettin' out of this place Yeah, that's why I'm checkin' my vitals / They keep on workin', but I know / Breathin' don't mean you're alive so

My Stress Yeah, some days, I just wanna leave the negativity in my head / I just want relief from my stress Pressure pushin' me from all sides / Insecurities of all kinds / Yeah, I'm a hostage to my own pride Yeah, I live my life on the edge, don't want the meds / I'm just tryna get relief from my stress, you know?

Nate Yeah, sometimes I wanna disappear like I just don't exist / Or find a time machine and take me back when I was six / Maybe younger, either way, I guess the point of it / Would be to tell that little kid that he's gon' take a lot of hits Look, we're all products of the things that we experience / But there's a big difference between confidence and arrogance You know how we've always struggled with abandonment? / And when we feel like someone's leaving, we start panickin'? / And yo, I wish that I could say I've learned to manage it / You think it's bad now, but you don't know the half of it You know how intoxicated people make us nervous? / To the point sometimes we shake and it feels so disturbin' / Don't be scared, that's just trauma tryna reach the surface / And tell us everyone we love is gonna try to hurt us / Which isn't true, but it's a lie that both of us believe in

Time A little time to show you I'm worth it / I know that I can be a difficult person Comes out the most when I feel I'm in a vulnerable place / Made a lot of mistakes I wish I knew how to erase / When I'm afraid, might get distant and I push you away / But no matter the case, I'ma do whatever it takes even if You know me well, sittin' on the edge of my seat / Lookin' at life, overanalyzin' everything / Always depressed, tryna find a better version of me / Searching for somethin' I know's prolly right in front of my feet And I know it hurts knowing that I carry this weight on my chest / Making it difficult for me to open up and connect

Returns What is perfect? Not me / I've been overworking for weeks When I'm lower, feel like I'm spiraling / Pushing forward, look, I can't ignore it This life's so unpredictable, it just keeps pitching me curves / I take a swing, I hate the things that make me feel like I'm dirt / I've patiently been waiting, please, I think it's time for my turn

When I Grow Up I understand you gotta crawl before you get to your feet / But I been running for a while, they ain't ready for me

Only I can't be the only one who's lonely tonight Yeah, why you throwin' rocks, oh, you wanna kill my dreams? / Okay, tell me everything I'm not / You think I didn't know those things? / Always been a little lost and I still might be Things that I hold on to, but I won't say things that I won't let go / So I chain my soul to the heartbreak Yeah, if you made a list of people that you trusted / Would you put your name down? Am I the only one that has a loaded gun / That's full of doubts and memories to overcome? / And I complain about 'em when they shoot at me / But I know truthfully I like to load 'em up and let 'em

Let Me Go Talk to you with my hands tied / Walk towards you on a fine line / Everybody has a dark side / I feel embarrassed when they see mine Am I a good person or a lost one? / Will this feel worth it when I'm all done? / Will I feel ashamed of like who I was? / With the pain vanish or will more come? Will I stay numb or regain love? / Maybe someday have a taste of freedom? / Will I take the poison out of my blood? / Or just leave it there inside of my lungs? They want me to beg, they want me to plead, they want me to die / They just want me dead, they just want me hurt / Don't want me to live, don't want me alive I'll teach them a lesson, I pick up the weapon / Aim in your direction, shoot at my reflection / Shatter my perception, hate it when I'm desperate / You just want perfection, I want you to let me

Hate Myself Yeah, late nights are the worst for me / They bring out the worst in me / Mind runnin', got me feelin' like it hurts to think / If this is all that I wanted, I don't want it, gotta be more for me What else can the world sell me? / Tell me lies, I still buy 'em like they goin' outta stock Yeah, late nights get the best of me / They know how to get to me / Suicide thoughts come and go like a guest to me / But I don't wanna die, just wanna get relief Come across like it's so easy / But I feel like you don't need me / When I feel like you don't need me / Then I feel like you don't see me / And my life has no meaning, drain me Hands out, tryna ask for love / But when I get it, I just pass it up / Throw it away and think about it later / Diggin' through the trash for drugs I walk through the ashes of my passions / Reminiscin' with the baggage in my casket We scream to be free, but I stay captured / Knee-deep in defeat of my own actions

I Miss The Days Not always goin' to bed every night / With this knot in my stomach that never unwinds When did I start to believe I wasn't worth it / Then question my purpose to breathe? / Wonderin' who I should be / Happiness out of my reach / Scared to get back on my feet See, I miss the days when I wasn't so faded / Love wasn't always invasive, I could embrace it / Just innocent, waitin', not always livin' in anguish I miss the smiles we had when we were young / I miss the memories of feeling love / I miss us runnin' underneath the sun / Staring out the window when the rain would com Give me my mind back / The one that told me I was worth somethin' when I fall flat / The one that told me I was worth somethin' when I'm off track / Back when my imagination wasn't in a cage and it was free to run fast Yeah, give me my, give me my mind back / Before it was hijacked and wasn't described as / A place of limitation, always indicating I can't / Handle everything from my past Take me back when I was happy, but I wasn't actin' / Vulnerable but didn't see it like some kind of weakness / Or a thing that's unattractive / Had emotion, but I learned to mask it I miss the smiles we had when we were kids, yeah / I feel like life was so much simpler then, yeah / When we had joy and we were innocent / I'd give it all to feel that way again, way again 

No Excuses Ay, yeah, they asked me where I learned to do this / Self-taught, checkin' things off my to-do list Yeah, I know I can be a nuisance / Ain't afraid to admit it if I think the shoe fits Take a shot behind my back, I'ma catch the bullets

Like This Yeah, holding back / Yeah, I've always been good at that, unattached  Got me in the sad feels, got me at a standstill / Too much time alone is when it gets real Yeah, maybe I'm impossible to be with / I know that you got a thousand reasons / You prolly wanna leave, but don't know how, yeah

Options I'm an outlaw, my brain has no fence / Doesn't matter either way to me 'cause even if it did I would destroy it

WHY Yeah, what's your definition of success? / I don't trust the thoughts that come inside my head / I don't trust this thing that beats inside my chest / Who I am and who I wanna be cannot connect I push away the people that I love the most I could be workin' for twenty-four hours a day and think I never did enough Hold my issues up for all to see, like show and tell / A lot of people know me, but they don't know me well

Thinking Yeah, I wish that I was optimistic / I wish that I could trust my intuition / To most, negative thinking makes you a pessimist, but / To me, negative thinking means I'm just realistic See, these are lessons that you learn in life / And we only get one of 'em, hope I'm learning right Yeah, yeah, everything comes with a price / Y'all got no clue what I have sacrificed and lately, I've been thinking

Trauma Say you're there when I feel helpless / If that's true, why don't you help me? / It's my fault, I know I'm selfish / Stand alone, my soul is jealous / It wants love, but I reject it / Trade my joy for my protection Grab my hand, I'm drowning / I feel my heart pounding / Why haven't you found me yet? / I hold you so proudly / Traumas, they surround me / I wish you'd just love me back

#chaos #fav songs #fav lyrics #nf #nf real music #nf music

[iwishiwasrichasfuck]

Hellooo, I'm going to tell you about the original character in my enhypen story so you have some background information and a little about myself while I'm at it 😊.

Her name is Esmeralda Adel. You can probably guess from the name that she isn't English or Korean, but in fact, Mexican and Arabic. I'm not Mexican, but I am Egyptian. I was always fascinated with Hispanic culture, so I decided to write a story where the mc is half half. I'll do my best research, but if there are any Mexicans out there, I welcome you. Pls help if you don't mind?

Her appearance and personality are based on me and the people I know. She's a med student, my sister is a med student. She has curly hair, me and my sister have curly hair. She's not very slender, but not very chubby, she has curves, like me. I have taken a long time to come to term with my body, because I always compared myself to thinner girls, who ate what they wanted and stayed like that. I envied their fast metabolism. I have come to terms with the fact that I need to work hard to be healthy, and even that maybe those girls I compared myself have problems too, that I'm not struggling alone. Now I am trying to become fit, so even if I'm not the thinnest, I'm healthy, because that's all that matters. I have a pretty thin waist compared to my hips but a heavy...cleavage, so you may think I'd be happy about it because it has been an "ideal figure" for women (which is stupid because all body types are beautiful 😤) but you won't believe how much I struggle to find clothes that complement me.

Anyways, I'm ranting, let's get back on track. She is smaller than enhypen (especially next to Niki because let's face it that dude's a giant) but not that small, she's actually 170cm, so my height. She is very generous, and very patient. She's really smart. Like really smart. She graduated school at 16 years old because she skipped the two grades when you learn out to read and count and basic math, she already knew it (her mother taught her). This is based on a friend of mine who actually did skip two grades when she was young. Um, what more.

She has the most random thoughts sometimes, like me. She's very pretty, and she knows she's attractive, so that makes her even hotter. She's pretty fit, and actually works out alot muscle mommy.

She's lived in both Egypt and Mexico for about four years each when she was young and came to France when she was ten. She has a great relationship with her mother. The two are very close, they're best friends and confidants, they tell each other anything. This is based on my relationship with my own mother. I love her more than anything. She's arabic (both of my parents are) but she isn't really like I've heard arabic parents are. She's cool with anything as long as I'm safe, happy and have good results scholarly. She's someone I can gossip with, and I've learned a lot from her. You can probably tell that I really admire her 😅. Esmeralda's father is also someone she gets along with great (but not as much as with her mom). Her parents divorced when she was in middle school, but they did so on good terms. They fell out of love and decided it was best to separate. They get along, and Esmeralda's mom actually loves her ex's new wife, the two are good friends!

Also, if Esmeralda seems unrealistic because she doesn't seem to have any bad sides, then you're both right and wrong. She's learned what to do and how to act through trial and error. She was raised right, and has had an excellent role model that encouraged healthy habits (mental or physical), so she wasn't "perfect" from the bat, her personality right now is a product of her past environment and the people she frequented or knew. She also has a few bad habits. She stays up all night and has trouble accepting help, she has trouble relieving stress and tends to push away people when she's sad or angry. She's working on it though! And growing up she's always wanted to make her mother proud, so she worked hard and tried to learn as many things as possible. Her mother loves her and is proud of her of course, but now Esmeralda thinks that if she fails to do something then she will lower her mother's image of her (which isn't true, but is a product of always trying to be better than her past self): she's an overacheiver. She happens to be extremely petty 😅

But she is also a projection of how I wish to be. She is the person I long to become in the future, and I decided that if I can't write about a perfect character in fiction, where am I going to do that? That's what fanfictions and fiction stories are made for! So there you go, a bit about me and and my character. ;)

(Ps: I hope the followers I have are excited for my first fic!)

#enhypen #oc #original character #hope yall are excited

[mosraev]

Lyrics through the decade 10/11

I've decided to collect all the songs I've made through the last decade and share my favourite snippets with you guys. The pictures for the backgrounds will (as much as possible) be pictures I've taken the same year as the lyrics were written. The full lyrics may or may not be made official someday.

Part 10; 2022

Last year was probably my most productive year in that almost all the songs I made I finished and have performed for others. It was also a year full of introspection and changes. The themes is still therapeutic yet outside of gender dysphoria I also explore themes like loneliness, existential dread and loss.

More info under the line

Stay creative, my fellow foxes 🦊💚

Song 1 (pic1); Himlen Falder Ned

Starting out strong with my second ever current affairs/politics/war song this time about Ukraine. It hadn't been a day after learning about the first attack on Ukraine that I felt moved enough to make a song about it.

Featured lyric:

Original: Den due som du skød i nat, det var den hvide due af fred.

Hvad var det ved dens sang der fyldte dit hjerte med had?

Translated to English: The dove you shot tonight is the white dove of peace.

What was it with its song that filled your heart with hatred?

Song2 (pic2); Adulthood

Changes gears completely this is a song I wrote in May about feeling quite bad at being an adult - so of course it is played on a ukulele as a cherry on top. Jokes aside this silly little song was actually quite therapeutic as well letting me know it is okay to be a mess of a human.

Featured lyric:

How can I call myself an adult?

I'm barely holding on.

Song3 (pic3); Golden

This song was the first I wrote on my new guitar that has a golden colour so I knew it would be a song called Golden. What I didn't know at the time was how full of existential dread the lyrics would be. It is pretty much a song about feeling left behind by your peers after being told your whole life you are the golden/gifted child. It is one of the few songs featured here I actually haven't payed for others yet.

Featured lyric:

In the light that's our world burning we look golden now.

Song4 (pic 4); I Am Here

In June I wrote this song about my experience with gender. I'd challenged myself to only use four or less words for the chorus. I really like the nerve this song ended up having so it is probably the one song about my gender experience I feel best fit (so far).

Featured lyric:

((Extended)) I'm a liar, impostor, the list goes on.

I failed to be a daughter, and I'll fail to be a son.

Song5 (pic5); Ensomhedens Ven

My summer camp song this year - it was created through another challenge where I was challenged to personify a concept so I chose loneliness and gave them an arch from seeking a friend, finding one and changing into another being (loneliness becomes immersion). Silly on the surface yet I hope a bit deep when you look into it.

Featured lyric:

Original: Ensomhed hedder nu fordybelsestid - tid til at finde sig selv.

Translated to English: Loneliness is now called immersion - time to find yourself.

Song6 (pic6); What's In A Name?

After summer camp I was visiting my mother's house staying in a room filled with old stuff of mine with my deadname on it so I wrote this song as a song to come to terms with my experience and my parents' experience of my name change. Another song I haven't played for people yet.

Featured lyric: You put your memories into a six-letter frame

that no longer describes me, so remind me:

What's in a name?

Song7 (pic7); Don't Call Me She

This song was born after an unfortunate experience at summer camp when my choir leader gave me strong dysphoria pretty much calling me a woman to my face. I ran to the bathroom crying and wrote the first verse. The rest of the song was finished a month later, and it is a song about how words can hurt as a trans person. You can listen to the song here.

Featured lyric: These words hurt like tiny knives programmed to act on voice cue.

Song8 (pic8); Little Red Bird

This song is about the loss of losing my grandmother. She died around the time the season 3 premiere of the Owl House was airing so my mind blended her loss and (spoilers) Flapjack's together. I later learned that cardinals are said to be souls of deceased loved ones visiting you so it fit. Also my grandmother wanted me to promise not to get a tattoo yet my first tattoo became a tribute to her; a Flapjack on my arm.

Featured lyric: I have to break a promise, I never fully made.

Because I see you in the little red bird, and I don't want to forget you.

#lyrics #2022 #danish song #english song #little red bird #don't call me she #what's in a name? #ensomhedens ven #golden #i am here #adulthood #himlen falder ned #mosraev #mosræv

[squimp]

disregard. contemplations of The Misery

okay liek not to be a doomer or anything but seriously genuinely how does one survive going about living their daily life in a world where no matter what your neutral everyday actions are just helping corporations and the government and shit putting the planet in a meat grinder. i kind of just live in a mire of catholic guilt over the plastic packaging every time i order takeout from being too exhausted from being a full-time student to cook (and for what? a degree I wont even use?), or like eating freezer meals and shit. like when i walk into a walgreens r whatever the fuck to go pick up my meds i see shelves full of crap and literally all i can see when i look at it is all the pounds of plastic that are going to end up in a landfill in probably. less than a month. my apartment building doesnt even have a recycling dumpster. and recycling in this country is such a dogshit joke anyway, not to say that plastic doesn't get recycled at all but you know most of it ends up in a landfill anyhow to the point where it's like the thing that companies say makes it okay to buy their product to alleviate guilt in the consumer when it's pretty much a bald faced lie. and with the economic situation being what it is, people have to work 2 or 3 jobs just to have to choose between rent and medical bills and student debt, billionaires and oil execs lining politicians pockets keeping us from getting anywhere policy-wise in terms of environmental policy or labor/unionization, while they tell us voting will fix it all -- i just can't understand any way to live in todays USA (or other places in the world you know,) without wanting to straight up off myself, unless you just stick your head in the sand and Not Think About It which is exactly what they want you to do? to stay entertained and docile and not take any real action?

like obviously the 'answer' here to feeling guilty over not, like, leading the revolution or whatever is to organize. even on a small local community level. but like. what does that even mean. what does that look like. how do you even get started. I dont even really live in the place I go to school, where i spend over half the year. I don't want to participate in anything here I don't like living here I kind of just want to get out. is that selfish? even in the city where I'm from, there is no sense of community that I've ever been able to discern. i wish the hard truth wasn't that there isn't any easy path towards a future that is even a little bit just. and there is no way to anticipate how things will evolve in the face of new tech, its all so scary. its kind of shameful to admit this but i think to myself so often that i would so much rather live in like roman times or whatever the fuck and deal with chamber pots in the street, you know, that shit, than have to live with the looming knowledge of climate change and feel so powerless. then again maybe this powerlessness is kind of the same way people felt under tyrannical god-kings. THEN AGAIN they didn't have to deal with microplastics in our god damn uterine linings or whatever. it all kind of just makes me wish I'd never been born

All this, AND I'm behind on my finals

#txt #to delete #anyway whatever i guess il just eat my instant noodles and go to class

[dp1nk]

sailing through a dissoci-ocean

[like a professional youtuber voiceover] i am on month 7 of transitioning into living in a completely new state.

i have felt so stuck.

still no meds but that will hopefully be solved soon. as in within weeks. i basically had to be evaluated by a doctor in this state and diagnosed with adhd (again), because the laws are weirdly strict and my retroactive diagnoses aren't trustworthy or something? i've never had that issue, but i guess i appreciate that they actually check that stuff before giving me amphetamines.

i've yet to see the actual report but i've retaken all the weird tests they give you to check if you have did or if it's something else - though that can't be medicated, but the diagnosis helps give context to symptoms that my brain basically makes up as a result of dissociating so much. there is a lot more to it than being made up of parts, i've learned. i can basically placebo pain away and stuff like that but all i'm doing is storing it somewhere, waiting to release itself as a body flashback or just phantom pain that is sometimes so real feeling i can't tell if it's an emergency or not.

so i guess that's good to know - if i'm not feeling real pain, i don't need painkillers and so on. the most self-productive thing i can do is learn to work with my parts and have therapy that helps me do that.

it has been very weird and very lonely finding out i even have parts. i gave being open with my parts a try in front of others, i tried toning it down, i embarrassed myself thinking that the top results on youtube weren't complete bullshit and i should force my parts to introduce themselves like the pink windmill kids... (i felt like an asshole after i did that. it was unnatural and you could tell they didn't like it and were all cringing.)

trying to adjust to this plurality crap and feeling comfortable with how i let that shape my identity moving forward has been a confusing and unusual ride. still i never imagined i'd be the age i am, buying kid things for young parts inside my mind, feeling an obligation to consult everyone on our meals and routines... as in everyone in the mental captains' cabin we created to organize things...

but to be honest, it came more naturally as we put time into it. and we were doing it pretty well all of last year until we lost access to our adhd meds. that has been a massive wrench in our collective gears.

and sooooon we'll have our oil back. and our dopamine will kind of work better, and we can work more efficiently.

so i'm pret-ty excited.

#personal update #thoughts #mental health

[girlwithacure]

do u by any chance have the cure for my mental illness

windoefnsifnsj this is the first ask I've ever gotten so I feel obliged to respond. Hi I'm laurie and I'm your resident bipolar agoraphobia they them. when I first made this tumblr I was struggling with a new bipolar diagnosis as a 17 year old. I'm now 23, and have been through the trenches with bipolar, agoraphobia, and panic disorder. I'm well on my way to recovery with agoraphobia and panic disorder so here is everything I did from 17 to 23 (almost 24) to "make it better"

1. I got clean and I got sober. now this means something different to me, I still drink occasionally I just follow some guidelines like only drinking socially/never drinking alone but I stopped doing drugs and vaping and even "quit" caffeine (I still have soda and tea occasionally)

2. I eat better and by better I don't really mean healthy. I cook most of my meals now so I have more control over the types of foods I'm eating and including like a rainbow of food. I've been really poor cause it's hard to keep a job with agoraphobia. I figured out I can shop at dollar tree and discount stores for pretty much everything and then get my protein/chicken from the grocery store plus it feels good to make something. My solution to dishes is the dishwasher if you have one. Run it twice if you need to it's your life

3. Understanding what my panic attacks entailed really helped me with them. not like understanding why I have them but knowing my usual symptoms and what helped with them was awesome. For half a year I slept every night with an ice pack on my chest, it's called vagus nerve stimulation, and that really helped me sleep through the night

4. Learning to brush things off was the hardest I still have bad days where if someone talks to me weird or gets mad at me I have a full on meltdown but learning to be like well ppl get upset and that's their problem with me and not my problem with me freed me to so many things

5. just trying every day. I wish I could say I work out and get up early and have productive days but that LITERALLY never happens. but the small things add up. Trying to work out once a week or even once ebrry 2 weeks if thats all you can do can have an affect on you. Trying to take your meds and vitamins will help. Randomly remembering to drink water and then drinking water will help. that shower you think you should take but think won't matter will help. it's all at your own time yk and being grateful for those really small glimmers of normalcy and happiness will really help

6. I stopped saying I was gonna k*m*s* every time something bad happened, def a small change but one that really helps with your inner dialog

7. life spring cleaning. getting rid of clothes. getting rid of ppl thay were toxic. getting rid of the things that make you feel overwhelmed or bad one by one. it's okay to move on from things

idk hope this helps, take it one day at a time

#bipolar #bipolar disorder #recovery #sobriety #agoraphobia #actuallybipolar #actually agoraphobic

[phoenixwatchesmovies]

What I'm Watching 2023: March

This year is already moving way too fast, istg. Between watching the radar for tornadoes and getting reasonably stoned on cold meds, this is coming in late, but oh well.

The Last Of Us

ALL HAIL PIANO FROG! I'm not a gamer, so I have no prior attachment to the source material. I only started watching after seeing my dash blow up with gif sets and the like. That being said, I have no regrets. The performances and the production values are great, and I cried on several occasions. Bonus points for using Pearl Jam in the soundtrack. The pacing is a little uneven sometimes, but it's not such a big deal it detracted from what I enjoyed. My only other gripe is that the season was so. Effing. Short.

Tucker and Dale Vs. Evil

A friend recommended this to me years ago, then I recommended it to a different friend, and we had a blast watching it. If you're not in the know, this one is a horror comedy dealing with stereotypes and the assumptions people make about each other, and a LOT of miscommunication and misunderstanding. Think of it like Three's Company, but a slasher. In hindsight, it's hard to think this came from the mid 2000's, when the genre was full to capacity with the stereotypes this film calls out. And maybe I'm overthinking a movie where half the cast gets killed off in increasingly idiotic accidents, but at the end of the day, I had a good time watching. And that's good enough for me.

New Nightmare

First of all, isn't she pretty? 😍 Second of all, I'm saving the majority of my thoughts for later, but out of the franchise as a whole, this one is somewhere in the top three.

This Is Where I Leave You

I would never have chosen to watch this of my own accord, as it's outside of my usual preferences, but I kinda liked it anyway. Funny, sad, and sweet, and it didn't end the way you probably would expect. Bonus points for using Pearl Jam in the soundtrack.

Scream (2022)

We'll have to agree to disagree, Sidney.

The Phantom of the Opera (1989)

TWO distinct fandoms are sleeping on this one, and it's a damn shame. Phantom fans, this is the only adaptation to actually include the violin in the cemetery! (It's a sore point for a lot of us...) Slasher lovers, it's Robert frickin Englund! Literally everyone else, if you don't like POTO or horror, it's still on point with the music and the cinematography, and is generally underrated, IMO.

Greenland

We are finally, FINALLY, a Gerard Butler household. 🤣 I favor his dramas over the action flicks he's been doing the last few years, and this is more drama than action, so...yay? I'm not a huge fan of disaster movies in general, but I honestly think this would have worked better as a miniseries. It felt rushed and underwhelming at the same time, and yet the potential is there. On the other hand, Gerry finally, FINALLY, gets to use his own accent.

Beetlejuice

I've seen this one several times over in bits and pieces over the course of three decades, but only straight through and from beginning to end once. Well, twice now. I grew up on the animated series, tho, so while I've cooled off on Tim Burton, I'll always have a soft spot for Beetlejuice.

Shadow and Bone

I haven't seen any book fans throwing too much of a fit about season two, but I'm sure they're out there. Granted, I blew through all of it in one day and a lot of it is a blur, but I appreciate the deviations. They pulled my attention back whenever I zoned out, and I'm more excited for season three (if we get one, because Netflix) to see how the rest of the story pans out.

Glass Onion

You know why I hate most mysteries and detective dramas? They all take themselves soooooooooo seriously. There is always a ton of extra baggage to unpack from one case to the next, and I'm getting to really dislike series that require you to sit through EVERYTHING to know what's going on. I love this one because it doesn't do that. It's fun, dammit! Everyone has already picked this one apart and yelled over the good bits, and all I have to add to the noise is that watching this movie felt like being a kid reading the Sherlock Holmes stories for the first time, or watching Miss Marple episodes on PBS with my grandparents. It's going on my list of comfort movies, and it's going to stay there.

Leverage

Speaking of comfort, I'm a season into my umpteen hundredth rewatch of my number one comfort show. And planning on catching up with the reboot once I'm done! What's not to love about a bunch of modern day Robin Hoods taking down corrupt officials and billionaires? Bonus points for featuring Mark Sheppard for best recurring character (again).

It Chapter Two

Strangely enough, this is a rewatch, which would have been unheard of not too long ago, as far as anything Pennywise related goes. Even stranger, it put me in the mood to revisit Doctor Sleep. Strangest yet, I already want to do a double feature. 😂

Kung Fu Panda

Don't act like you don't love this movie. It's fucking brilliant.

###

This has gone on long enough, so I guess we'll meet back here next month!

#watch a thon 2023 #the last of us #tucker and dale vs evil #new nightmare #this is where i leave you #scream 2022 #the phantom of the opera 1989 #greenland #beetlejuice #shadow and bone #glass onion #leverage #it chapter two #kung fu panda

[marcysiasstuff]

01.01.23 (evening)

I overcame myself and created a blog. Ever since I was little, I've always wanted to be able to share with with my other thoughts and photos. Unfortunately, my little hobby left. Illness often wins over me and every activity is for me for me, like climbing Mount Everest, where simple activities are the peak for me such as sleeping, washing up and eating. I decided to fight for myself some time ago, I am seeing a psychiatrist and will be starting therapy soon. I'm on meds, but I don't feel any changes at the moment (I've been using them for almost half a year). Sleep returned, but the fears and lack of energy remained. Coming back, I decided to fight for myself and simply do something with myself. I fell into a vicious circle - if I procrastinate, I feel worse, so maybe describing my actions here will be a motivation for me or for someone else.

So, it's 8 p.m. in my country. I didn't do anything productive today but I decided to change it. The shower comes first. For me, The most embarrassing thing about this disease is that you don't have the strength to take care of your personal hygiene. I haven't washed for at least 3 days. I was looking for tips on how to force before writing this to it. I found a cool one about fresh clothes for a bad time. Prepare very loose and comfortable clothes, which we can also calmly put on when going somewhere. At that moment, I noticed that by making a to-do list, you are more likely to get something done. Illness often ignores and subconsciously tells me that such a planned life is not a life. I need to work on that and try to keep lists.

The depressed man done things slow, I shouldn't be nervous about it, do you feel that too? I can't be patient with myself, so I make a list with pomodoro. So today the plan for today (or the rest of the evening) - wash up. The second thing is the bedding, with new bed linen. I'll write back tomorrow and I'll tell you how I did. Good night, everyone, and be nice to each other.

#self improvement #self help #self care #positivity #tw depressing thoughts #depression posting #depression help #tw depressing stuff

[pathsofpassion]

It's just.

It's just so fucking frustrating.

Mid April of 2021, I made a med change (going off birth control) that took me from 60-70% functionality to 90-95% functionality.

I was working full time or over, I was walking the dog and doing the dishes and it was easy, easy, easy. I just did what I needed to do, without hurting, without struggling, for the first time in my adult life without one fucking thing being hard.

If that's what the neurotypical experience is, guys, then - fuck. Fuck do they not have any fucking excuse to call us lazy, because they have no idea what it's like to fight your brain on every task just to survive.

For six weeks, it was beautiful.

And then I got some medical news (that I'd tipped over from pre-diabetes to diabetic) that sent me into the hardest three-day depression spiral I'd ever experienced up to that point, and I'm pretty sure it changed my actual brain chemistry, because I have never gotten back to those six weeks of easy.

Hell, for most of the 17 months since, I've barely been at 60% functional, on the same damn meds as before. This last spring and early summer, when I was working with a doctor and trying a variety of different med combinations in a desperate attempt to find a better one, I went down to 30% sometimes, and had more than a little suicidal ideation too, for the first time in my life.

I'm back on the old meds, and back to 60-70% functionality on the good days, and it makes me want to scream.

Six weeks is long enough, in my view, to not be a fluke or circumstantial or whatever else you want to excuse it as - to be doing that well that long, that consistently, says to me that I'd found my brain chemistry nirvana.

And then it changed.

And to know, completely and utterly know, that these issues are solely a product of bad brain chemistry - that it's not me, I'm not lazy, I'm not bad, I just have a shitty fucking brain - is. Frustrating beyond words, and devastating if I think about it too long.

Because I tried, earlier this year, I tried every med change recommended and it all just made things worse. Granted, I've since switched doctors and I like this one a lot better, and maybe I'll get brave enough to see if she has different ideas, but I can't do this spring over again.

And I just. Fuck. Why.

I almost wish I hadn't had those six weeks of nearly being normal, so that I wouldn't know what I'm missing.

#mental health #adhd #bipolar II #suicidal ideation #personal #gods why #just #why #okay to reblog

[pretendstoread]

first...second...second first

it's funny that every time i think about writing i never really know what to say. i don't remember making this account in 2018, or writing for the first time on here. i've gone back and forth between journaling--where to do it, if it's even helping me--and there's a strong chance that i'll move on from this just like the other journals and modes of expression.

i've just been kinda uninspired. i fear that i wasnt born to be an artist. i dont think i Do enough. i dont really photograph. nothing really inspires me anymore. i'm kinda worried that new york's tap has run dry, but i dont think it's effective to blame the city i live in instead of myself. this has been a problem of mine for years now. why is it so hard to express yourself?!! i feel like i have a lot in me and yet no way to show for it. i dont know if i have a good work life balance. i dont know if thats even the problem? it's just.....so easy to do nothing....? but it doesnt make me happy??? but i keep doing nothign anyway??? maybe THIS is the first step to that. there's a bit of ego in making this. like. diary public. though i dont really think anyone will see it (and i don't care (but i will tag this anyway and maybe check if it gets any notes)). but i dont mean it to be egotistical.

i am a product of post internet use. i grew up expressing myself online. i was on facebook in fifth grade, tumblr in middle school, wattpad/ao3 and stan twitter in high school, art school in college, and back on twitter as a young adult. there has never been a point where i wasn't trying to put myself out there somehow, to be seen and shared and agreed with or admired or congratulated or impressed by. this pressure To Be Seen at 24 feels the most strong. the strongest ever felt. everywhere all the time i see and am told that i have so much time and that 20s are just the beginning. but it doesnt feel that way at all. it LOOMS over me. life shouldnt be Established but it should be.....Impressive? thats the second time i used impressive in this post so thats some subconscious thing going on there. But much of life right now is waking up, going to work, hating work, coming home, sitting on the couch until it's time for bed (which i either fall asleep right there or lazily flop into bed--and consequently miss taking my antianxiety meds), and then i wake up all over again. there's nothing to really show for. i don't feel like an interesting person. i dont feel like i do enough for myself. i guess i have a fear that i will be in this cycle for so long that one day it's 20 years later and nothings reallllllly changed. like. fundamentally.

i cannot think that far ahead. i have no ten year plan, 5 year, one year, 6 months...but i will be a fucking doomer about myself every chance i get. it's, of course, easier to catastrophize in the moment. lower expectations = less chance of disappointment! i think it's also interesting that the only things i really journal about are negative thoughts. wtf is that about. i'm not even necessarily unhappy right now.

things that make me feel Happy:

having enough food in the house that i can make something without having to go out or order in

laying in the sun on the beach after getting bodied by waves

creme soda

when i'm wearing a dress and dont care about my underwear showing (i like to spread! im sitting knees up at my desk right now!!)

catching someone i like looking at me (does it mean anything extra if they're drinking something at the same time....? and they don't break eye contact...?)

customizable internet--the past now....i remember when tumblr was a WEBSITE more than an APP. we must free ourselves from The Profile.

#diary #if you see this hi

[flyingclubhouse]

Here's an unusually candid post reflecting on 2022. It was a big year. That is not an exaggeration.

- Diagnosed with autism and adhd.

- Started taking meds for ADHD. I was scared of this at first, but my local GP is really understanding and knowledgeable about ADHD so I trusted her guidance.

- Steven was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. It was a huge shock and he had to change his lifestyle quite a bit. We were lucky to have a good doctor and supportive diabetic friends.

- Got my first full-time job in June and I've managed to keep it so far. This might sound like an absurd accomplishment for a 36-year-old, but undiagnosed and untreated autism/ADHD really prevented me from functioning in this area.

- Finally came out of the closet as bi to a few loved-ones, and now to anyone who reads this post.

- Gained the most stamina and muscle mass I've ever had because my job is very physical. It wasn't easy - in the first months of my job my muscles were constantly in pain and I felt physically pushed to my limit every day. But it slowly got better.

- Bought my first desktop pc. It is a cheap refurb and I love her.

- With Steven's help, I sold my art in public for the first time at a holiday market.

- Finally played Syberia: the World Before, which might seem like an odd "big thing" to put on the list, but I've been obsessed with Syberia since I played the 1st game in the early 2000s.

- Gave up vegetarianism to be more compatible with Steven's new diabetic diet. Still a meat minimalist, though. I was told to lower my cholesterol by my doctor, so I've been trying to cool it on the dairy products a little. I also started an omega-3 supplement advised by my doctor.

- Started simple block-printing and made and sold fabric patches. It was loads of fun, but in the second half of the year I had to put that activity on pause and temporarily close my online shop to focus on my full-time job.

- Started playing Dungeons & Dragons and it is my new and current special interest. It's helped me make dear friends locally. My biggest goal in 2023 is to learn how to dungeon master.

- To conclude 2022, Steven and I both got Covid for the first time. We have mild cases, but still very unpleasant. We got the bivalent booster and flu shot almost as soon as it was available to us, and I reccomend you get the bivalent as well if you haven't. This could have been a lot worse for both of us.

Happy new year, and thanks for reading

Anna

[datcammi]

About Me 2022

Hello Traveler, and welcome to my little slice of the internet. My name is Cammi, I’m a nearly 30 demigirl (AFAB; she/her or they/them). Honestly this blog is for my benefit as a place where I can work through my thoughts, as it’s easier for me to process things if I feel like I’m talking to someone. That said, this is my space and I will work in it in the ways that are most beneficial to me.

I'll update this as I think of relevant things, or things change.

Starting with some key things about myself

I'm an 'elder' emo with strong yallternative leanings. I've been identifying as emo since the early 2000s. I've been identifying as goth since the 2010s.

I'm a pagan witch and my practice is solitary. While I can appreciate the benefits of a coven, it's not for me. The things I work with are often considered taboo, dangerous, 'dark'. I am not love and light. I do not follow the Wiccan Rede. I do not believe in the so-called '3 Fold Rule'. My practice is eclectic but is based in personal experience and ancestral work. The individuals I work with and honor are minimally documented if not undocumented.

I am mentally ill/unwell and neurodivergent. I've struggled with ADHD-C my entire life and was part of a case study for what it looks like in girls in the late 90s. I was then diagnosed with BPD at 19, received a C-PTSD, OCD, and MDD diagnosis in my mid-20s, and at nearly 30 have additionally received a GAD diagnosis. Recently learned that I'm probably autistic, so tests for that will be coming soon.

I cannot remember the majority of my life before age 14 sans a small handful of things. I've recently begun remembering more through intense shadow work and different types of therapy, including hypnotherapy.

I do believe there can be benefits to medication and have been trying to find the right ones for me for the last couple years. Unfortunately I have been unmedicated since October 2022 due to negligence by my previous doctor who decided to abruptly stop filling my medication. Checked myself into an in-patient Behavioral Health Center (BHC) for nearly a week in early to mid December 2022. I got a new cocktail of meds, so we'll see how this goes.

I partake in psychedelics and identify as both a pothead and a psychonaut. I strongly believe there are great benefits to the proper use of both.

I'm a psychology student with a focus on the use of 'alternative' forms of therapy and medication, such as psychedelics, and their use in long-term growth and healing.

I'm an extrovert and love being around other people, unfortunately the feeling is rarely mutual and as a result I have spent a long time alone. I have no friends from childhood or highschool, and my online group has long since abandoned me after I chose to leave my abusive ex-husband. Now, I am overly independent, cynical, and untrusting of other's intentions. I refuse to be the only one putting in all the work again.

I pretty much constantly have music playing. I had 40,000 minutes of listening time just on Spotify in 2022. I listen to all genres and a multitude of artists.

I don't believe sex and romance are mutually exclusive. I am of the belief that the parameters of one's relationship(s) are defined by the individuals directly involved, and no one else. For some non-monogamy is what is healthy and happy for them, and for others monogamy is their thing. I don't think there's anything wrong with either, as long as the individuals are happy. I, personally, practice non-monogamy.

I love, love, love to read, write, and worldbuild. It keeps me sane, honestly, and I believe every work of fiction has a grain of truth to it.

I'm obsessed with my hair, it's like the one thing about myself that I am genuinely proud of. I do intense research on all products I use on it and do strip testing before using it on my whole head. "It'll grow back" is genuinely something I HATE hearing and makes me incredibly, intensely angry.

I do not tolerate liars, ever. Just be honest, it's not hard. If you can't be honest with someone then you don't respect them or care about them. Also, lying by omission is still lying.

I make lots of vague references to little things I've come across that give me the happy chemical.

#Just Me Again Down Here #about me #introducing myself