#also sorry my writing is very small but I am physically incapable of writing big letters

[goneseriesanalysis]

Caine Soren

Hiya guys, so here are my thoughts and opinions on Caine from my re-read of the first book. I was planning on writing this quicker but my ADHD told me no. I’m prolly gonna write up a bunch now though because I’m ✨in the zone✨ Also, apologies but this is another long one because I am physically incapable of being concise 

Spoilers for Gone down below

Original Opinion: Most of my criticism on him as a character came as a result of later development so I’m not quite sure whether that will change as of yet. But as far as his role as a villain, I really enjoyed his character and what he brought to the story.

New Opinion: I still maintain that Caine is a good main villain for this book. I found him to be waaaaay different and way less competent than I remember, but boy is he interesting. I have so many thoughts on Caine and it was a real struggle getting them all down.

1.) CAINE’S APPEARANCE:

Ok so we are first introduced to Caine in chapter 14 through Sam’s POV. We see him standing apart from the other Coates kids “wearing a bright yellow V-necked sweater instead of a blazer.” This is obviously done to set him apart from the other Coates kids, and (forgive me for going all English teacher on you) the colour yellow has connotations of corruption and deceit, which fit in pretty nicely with Caine as a character. Sam then goes on to give us a more detailed description:

“He was handsome, even Sam noticed that. He had dark hair and dark eyes, not much different from Sam himself. But this boy’s face seemed to glow with an inner light. He radiated confidence, but without arrogance or condescension. In fact, he managed to seem genuinely humble even while standing alone, looking out over everyone else.”

This is one of my least favourite descriptions in the whole book because it simultaneously manages to tell us almost nothing about Caine’s appearance whilst making me cringe so hard that my muscles start to atrophy. Seen as we get very little description of Sam, telling us that Caine looks like Sam is pretty much useless – although it nicely sets up the brother twist – and dark hair and dark eyes could mean anything. Are his eyes blue, brown, black?? Is his hair black or brown?? Who knows?? Not me. And don’t even get me started on his face glowing with an inner light. Because no. I hate this line so much it actually hurts. I thought at first it may be in reference to his connection with the gaiaphage. But that makes no sense. It reminds me of the scene in The Great Gatsby where Nick describes Gatsby’s smile for about half a page and he just sounds ridiculous. I will admit the last two sentences give a good example of Caine’s ability to charm and manipulate those around him but the rest is just aaa

We also learn that he is handsome, which is then followed by what I consider to be a writer’s greatest sin. “He was handsome, even Sam noticed that” – Every. Single. Time a male character describes another male character who just so happens to be attractive in any given book from any author, we get this line. It is the writer’s equivalent of saying no homo and I’m going to make it my personal mission to call them all out on it.

Ok moving on – sorry about that. Rant over.

Sam then says that “His voice was clear and just a little higher, maybe, than Sam’s, but strong and determined. He had a way of looking at the crowed before him that made it seem he was meeting every person’s eye, seeing every person as an individual.” This is good at further establishing Caine as a leader, and shows his relationship with crowds, it gives the reader some indication of his ability to control. He is able to easily win over those of Perdido Beach with his charm.

Caine gets referred to as being attractive by a few other characters throughout the book, but the last main description we get of him is from Drake’s POV in chapter 20:

“Caine sat in his over-large leather chair, the one that had previously belonged to the mayor of Perdido Beach. It made him look small. It made him look very young. And to make matters worse, he was chewing on his thumbnail, which made it almost look like he was sucking his thumb.”

This description is kind of reminiscent of the scene with Sam and the shirt that I talked about in my Sam Temple post. He has taken over the mayor’s chair but he is not fit to take on the position of mayor. Whereas Sam’s weakness in leadership stems from his insecurities and doubts, it is Caine’s narcissism and over-confidence that make him unfit to lead. Michael gives Caine the compulsion of biting his thumbnail when he is nervous. This is a habit that people often pick up to deal with challenging emotions is a less destructive way (as opposed to having a meltdown or getting angry) and works nicely for Caine’s character. It shows that while he does have his moments where he loses control, he is capable of controlling himself to a certain degree, making it seem more likely that someone like Diana might align herself with him. This also helps to further the idea that despite his narcissism and delusions of grandeur, he is still just a kid. And of course sets up the idea that Drake is somewhat resentful towards Caine.

2.) CAINE’S PERSONALITY:

Caine’s personality is a difficult one to analyse as there are two main aspects to it – the personality he projects in order to manipulate people and his actual personality – and sometimes the line between these blurs to the point where it becomes unclear which one we are seeing. One thing that I did notice is that in this book we don’t actually get a Caine POV until the Thanksgiving battle, so we mostly see him through the eyes of Sam, Jack, Drake and Diana, who all have very different relationships with him.

As I mentioned before, we first see Caine through Sam’s POV, where we are introduced to what I’m gonna call his fake personality. Michael uses phrases such as “Caine appeared interested” alongside Astrid’s commentary, which lets the reader know that Caine is not what he appears to be, but of course the general population of Perdido Beach are not aware of this. One criticism I had towards the way that Caine’s character is portrayed is that it is initially hinted that the reason he is able to gain such control over people is because of his proficiency in manipulation and his superficial kindness (such as when he comforts the kid who asks for his mum). And yet he manages to fool almost no-one?? Astrid, Sam, Edilio, Albert, Mary and Howard all immediately see through his façade, which makes it hard to believe that this is how he gained such influence over people. (And of course all the kids at Coates who were cemented saw through it too). In fact I found myself to be kind of confused as to why anyone follows him at all?? Is it just a fear of his power?? That’s… a little disappointing. He doesn’t become mayor because he charms the population. He becomes mayor because no-one else wants to do it, and no-one can be bothered to oppose him. And even when people start to become more afraid, they aren’t afraid of Caine. It’s Drake. Although, you of course have to take into account the fact that these are just children who want someone they can look towards for help and guidance. Perhaps Caine’s persuasive abilities are less about using his charm to completely win people over and more about him being able to take advantage of situations that are presented to him. He has just enough superficial charm and makes just enough beneficial changes (such as laying down rules and protecting the food) that people are willing to overlook some of the more sinister things that he does.

That being said, I think my main issue with so many characters being able to see through Caine so quickly, is what it says about or “hero.” Sam doing nothing to stop Caine, despite him clearly knowing that Caine is bad news makes him seem a little selfish?? His insecurities stop him from doing what is right, and while it is good to have a flawed hero, his willingness to allow Caine to terrorise Perdido Beach up until he threatens Sam personally seems less like a small character flaw and more like a pretty big lapse in morality and compassion. Would Sam have ever taken control if Caine hadn’t kidnapped him?? If Sam had been fooled by Caine’s manipulation that would imo have made both of their characters better fit their respective roles of protagonist and antagonist.

That being said one of my absolute favourite lines regarding Caine is “Then let’s go in together,’ Caine said. He turned and marched purposefully up the church steps. The rest of the chosen fell in behind him.” in chapter 14. I think this perfectly captures the contrast between what Caine says and what he does, and I really love it.  One of Michael’s strengths is adding little throw away lines that can perfectly sum up a character and their intentions. And this idea of Caine saying something but meaning something else is pretty central to his character – the biggest pay-off we get from this in book 1 is him promising to protect the little’s and then (horrifyingly) feeding them to the coyotes in the final battle. This was a scene that I did not previously remember and man did I feel some emotions when reading it. There wasn’t even a second thought, absolutely no indication of remorse. I know a few times it’s mentioned throughout the books that the difference between Caine and Drake is that Caine only does what is necessary – but the scene with the coyotes really contradicts that idea.

Caine’s ‘real personality’ imo is shown in little moments throughout the books. By Caine’s real personality, I’m referring to the part of him that we don’t really see at all in this book, the part of him that is only really hinted at by Diana, and occasionally Drake. Even when Caine is around Diana and Drake, he still tries to keep up a persona – this time that of a cold and detached boy with little to no emotions. But this isn’t really who he is. I think the ‘real’ Caine is an extremely emotional person (although I would like to clarify that by emotional I mainly mean angry and sometimes scared) and there are a couple of moments where this does shine through. There are a few times where Caine loses his temper with both Drake and Diana, using his powers to injure them and to reiterate the power he has over them. I think this shows how insecure Caine truly is, despite what he would have others believe. He only ever breaks character when his authority is mocked or threatened, even if the threat holds no real intention (such as Diana’s jibe after he kisses her). I do find it interesting that, at the core, Sam and Caine are quite similar. It is how these insecurities manifest and project themselves that really define them as different. Caine’s insecurities also shine through in these quotes from Diana:

“Yes. Sam is a four bar. And Caine would freak.” – Chapter 29

“Caine, despite his over-sized ego, his looks, his charm, was terribly awkward with girls.” – Chapter 39

Caine needs to be in control. He needs to be the most powerful person in the room at all times, and the only two people who can really be considered a threat to him in this way are Diana and Sam. Sam is his main threat and Diana, of course, holds a certain amount of power over him due to his feelings towards her. However, any time that Diana seems to be gaining or trying to gain more power (most notably when she makes fun of him for kissing her and when she tries to make him call off the coyotes) he reacts with violence. But I’ll go into that more when I make a post about their relationship.

Another thing that I noticed about Caine that I hadn’t previously remembered is that, he’s a bit of a coward. We first see this in chapter 34 when Little Pete frees the Coates kids “Caine was quick. He backed away, turned, and ran for the building.” The one thing that really got me about this is that he didn’t wait for Diana. He just turned and saved himself. Which kind of brings into question why Diana stays with him. Does he offer protection?? He certainly didn’t here. He literally abandoned her and ran for the hills. The other time we really see this side of him when he uses Astrid as a human shield in chapter 45. Diana even comments on this, telling him to “be a man for once.” I don’t have much else to say about this, but I think it’s an interesting aspect of his personality that certainly makes it easier to dislike him.

Now the last thing I want to talk about in regards to his personality is chapter 36 (the chapter where Drake gets his arm cut off). Caine gets in three good moments during this scene, the first one being:

“It’s not Diana or Chunk or even me,’ Caine said. ‘It’s none of us, Drake. It’s Sam. It’s Sam who did this to you, Drake. You want him to get away with it? Or do you want to live long enough to make him suffer?”

This is one of my favourite Caine moments in the book, and it’s really one of the only times that we see his manipulation actually work on someone. He knows exactly what to say to Drake in order to shift the blame in the direction he wants. Forget that I left you behind to deal with Sam and the escaped kids yourself. Forget that Diana is sawing your arm off. Just focus on Sam. And I think this line had such an effect on Drake’s psyche (which I will explore more in my Drake post) and really excellently shows off Caine’s ability to take advantage of a pre-existing situation in order to benefit himself.

The next two moments are where I really think the lines between Caine’s persona and the ‘real’ Caine blur to the point where it’s unclear which side of him we are seeing – and I think there is an argument for both although imo I feel like it’s his persona that we are seeing.

“It’s the only way to stop the pain,’ Caine said, almost showing some emotion, some pity. ‘The arm is done for Drake-man.”

“Don’t cut off my arm,’ Drake cried. ‘Let me die. Just let me die. Shoot me.           ‘Sorry,’ Caine said. ‘But I still need you, Drake. Even one-handed.”

So, we first get the idea that Caine, at least somewhat, feels sorry for Drake. Drake’s injury is horrific and it’s clear that other characters, such as Jack and Diana, who are usually nothing but hostile to Drake (and rightfully so) feel some sympathy towards the situation. Now it’s also important to note that this scene is from Drake’s POV so we don’t actually know if the sympathy Caine is showing is real, is part of his attempt to manipulate Drake, or isn’t there at all and is just something that Drake wants. (I think the last option is entirely plausible as Drake often seeks praise from Caine, so in a situation like this it makes sense that he would seek some empathy). However, Caine then goes on to refuse Drake’s plea for death… because he needs him. Not because he’s a friend – or even just an ally. Not because he doesn’t want him to die. But because he needs him. That’s cold. And it’s really cold to tell him that – which leads me to believe that the almost sympathy Drake sees earlier on was never there, or at the very least was just a manipulation tactic. Caine cares so little for the people around him and I find it quite funny that it was his treatment of Drake (the person probably most deserving of it) in this scene that really showed me how much of a villain Caine can be.

3.) CAINE’S MOTIVATIONS:

Why does Caine do the things he does?? Why does he need to be in control?? And while we don’t really get much insight into Caine’s head in this book, there are a few good moments which allowed a reader to speculate as to what his motivations are. The first moment that really stood out to me was in chapter 39, where Caine tries to open up to Diana about his parents:

“I always had the feeling, you know? That my family wasn’t my real family. They never said I was adopted, but my mother – well, the woman I thought was my mother, I don’t know what to call her now. Anyway, her, she never talked about having me. You know, you hear moms talking about going into labour and all. She never talked about that.”

From this, we can see that Caine always felt like an outsider within his own family, he always felt like he didn’t belong. And this seems to be a pretty big motivator when it comes to Caine’s need to take over, to have power over everyone else. If he has control, then he will always have a place. He will always belong because the world will be his. Caine never fit in in the real world, his narcissism (and probably psychopathy) distanced him from other people right from the get go. But in this new world, in the FAYZ, Caine has a chance to be important, to be a ruler and he’s willing to do pretty much anything to get that. I think this idea, of his need for power and control stemming from the lack of acceptance and belonging he felt with his family, is emphasised in chapter 46, during the poof:

“Caine seemed spellbound, unable to tear his gaze away from the gentle, smiling face, the piercing blue eyes.                                                                        ‘Why?’ Caine asked in a small child’s voice.                                                             […]                                                                                                                          ‘Why him and not me?’ Caine asked.”

This is the only time I felt the slightest bit of sympathy for Caine during my re-read of this book. He is 14. A kid. He spent his whole life feeling like and outsider and now he knows that a woman he knew, a woman that he saw almost every night is his actual mother. That she also knew this and yet never tried to talk to him, to explain, to do anything. And now he’s looking at ‘her’ and all he wants to know is why. Why did she give him up?? He lacks empathy and many other emotions that allow healthy relationships with others, yet he still wants people to have that connection with him. He needs him and rely on him. So his solution is to gain enough power, enough authority and control so that people have to listen to him and have to rely on him. He doesn’t care how many people he hurts or pisses off, because in the end, if he gets what he wants, that won’t matter. He’ll be too powerful for it to matter because they’ll still need him anyway. And that’s why “All that matters is winning. So save it.” – Chapter 45

4.) CAINE’S INTENTIONS/ HIS ROLE AS A VILLAIN:

Caine’s intentions are pretty obvious from the very first time we meet him in chapter 14. And, of course, it is these intentions that really define his role as a villain. Now, in chapter 14, it never outright says that Caine’s intentions are to take complete control over Perdido Beach. In fact, Caine tries to make it seem like he wants to make a collaborative effort to help them all move forward. But once again, his actions contradict his words, most notably in these lines:

“Orc grunted, shifted the bat from right hand to left, and stuck out his thick paw. Caine grabbed it with both his hands and solemnly looked Orc in the eye as they shook hands.”

“But Caine grabbed his elbow and manoeuvred him into a handshake.” [Referring to Sam]

“Caine had moved confidently towards the altar.”

These lines subtly show that, whilst Caine talks about working together, he is really the one in charge. He is the one dictating what is happening and when it is happening, forcing Sam and Orc to shake his hand. Giving them jobs so that he can keep an eye on them (Orc) or keep them out of the way (Sam). And of course, he won’t stand with them in the church. They don’t sit around a table and talk as equals. Caine has to be up at the front. He also gets extremely angry when other people make demands, or give an idea that he can’t take credit for. The most obvious example of this being in response to Howard telling him that they wouldn’t be working for Drake.  “Sam saw a coldly furious expression appear on Caine’s handsome face, then disappear as swiftly as it had come.” This is then followed up by Caine ripping a 12ft cross off of a wall and launching it at them, so it’s safe to say that he doesn’t appreciate his authority being challenged.

Later in the book we then get more obvious examples of his intentions, as his role as the villain is fully unveiled:

“Caine, to the surprise of no-one who knew him, had taken over the mayor’s office.” – Chapter 15

“Number one says Caine is the mayor of Perdido Beach and the whole area known as the FAYZ.” – Chapter 16

After Caine basically walks into Perdido Beach, tells everyone what to do, and gets away with it, he begins to be more outright with his intentions. He immediately takes over the mayor’s office, and makes his new title of mayor the very first rule to be enforced. He isn’t really all that secretive about his intentions, at least not after the initial meeting. I think this is a measure of his confidence – he doesn’t feel at all threatened by the people of Perdido Beach. I think one of the reasons that Caine is such a good villain, is that when he is in control, he isn’t that bad?? I mean sure, having Drake as sheriff is less than ideal, but Caine himself is not a bad leader. He comes up with rules that both make sense and do actively increase the quality of life of those in Perdido Beach (minus the no magic tricks rule). It’s only what Caine is willing to do in order to get that power that actually makes him the villain. Once he has it, he’s not really a threat?? And then of course, we get Caine’s fantastic little speech in chapter 42 that really just sums up all these ideas in much less words:

“What was I supposed to do? Coates? That’s it? How do you not see what an opportunity this is? We’re in a whole new world. I’m the most powerful person in that whole new world. No adults. No parents or teachers or cops. It’s perfect. Perfect for me. All I have to do is take care of Sam and a few others, and I’ll have complete control.”

Because if it wasn’t for his ego, if he hadn’t attacked Sam, if he hadn’t used Drake to cause fear and enmity, he would have had it. He would have gotten his complete control, because no-one else really wanted to be in charge. The fool is his own worst enemy.

5.) CAINE’S POWERS:

So, the last thing I wanted to discuss about Caine, is his powers. To me, it seemed whilst reading that his powers are almost an extension of his personality. Caine is naturally a very domineering person, and so it makes sense that his power is the ability to control things with his mind. The first time we see Caine’s powers (also the first time we see anyone purposefully use their powers) is in the church:

“Caine sighed, raised his hands, and used both palms to smooth back his hair.                                                   There came a rumble, up through the floor and pews. A small earthquake…                                        […]                                                                                                                                                                   But then came a rending sound, steel and wood twisting, and the crucifix separated from the wall. It ripped free of the bolts holding it in place, like an invisible giant had yanked it away.                              […]                                                                                                                                                             The crucifix toppled forwards. It fell like a chain sawed tree.                                                                                                             As it fell, Caine dropped his hands to his sides. His face was grim, hard, and angry.                                                                                                 The crucifix, at least a dozen feet tall, slammed with shocking force down onto the front-row pew. The impact was as loud and sudden as a car wreck.” – Chapter 14

I like how, similarly to the way he talks, the first time we see a display of his power, he is hiding it – his body language is suggesting one action whilst he is actually doing something else entirely. This again makes me feel like the powers are an extension of personalities (and I will give other examples of this is later posts).  I also noticed that the use of his powers is almost always as a response to his anger, something that Sam also learns to do thanks to Astrid’s guidance. These two scenes are great examples of this:

“Caine’s smile was cold. He raised his hand, palm out. An invisible fist hit Sam in the face. He staggered back. He barely stopped himself from falling, but his head was reeling. Blood leaked from his nose.” – Chapter 21

“Caine reached back over his shoulder with one hand, not even looking back. He spread his fingers, bared his palms. The fallen portion of the wall came apart, brick by brick. One by one, as though each brick had sprouted wings, they lifted off and flew. The bricks hurtled past Caine’s head and through the open door as fast as machine-gun bullets.” – Chapter 31

Unlike Sam, who often uses his powers as a defence strategy, Caine always uses them as a method of attack. He attacks Orc’s gang, Drake, Sam and Andrew – not as a last resort, but as a warning. He likes to make a big display of his power in order to deter people from actually engaging in a fight. Although when it does come down to an actual fight, he tends to be a little less confrontational and a little bit more of a coward. I mean come one. Hiding behind Astrid was low. At least this is the case in book 1.

Next, is the development of his powers. Unlike Sam, we know that Caine did not discover his powers alone:

“Several of us developed strange powers, starting a few months ago,’ Caine said conversationally. ‘We were like a secret club. Frederico, Andrew, Dekka, Brianna, some others. We worked together to develop them. Encouraged each other. See, that’s the difference between Coates people and you townies. In boarding school it’s hard to keep secrets. But soon it became clear that my powers were of a whole different order. What I just did to you? No one else could do that.”

The Coates kids formed a sort of support group for each other, which is why they have such a good understanding of their powers, as opposed to Lana and the Perdido Beach kids, who either hid their powers or else didn’t discover them until the FAYZ began. One thing that I do find interesting about this, is that the Coates kids all seemed to develop their powers pretty late. Caine says that the powers started a few months ago, and yet Sam first used his 14 months before the FAYZ began. I think that goes to show how the Coates environment really gave Caine the ability to experiment with and foster his powers, which is why he has such control. He achieved in a few months what is took Sam over a year to do. (One thing that I think would have been nice to have is perhaps in a later book some flashbacks on the Coates kids working together to do this. But oh well)

Thank you so much again for reading, and please feel free to add your thoughts. Next up is Diana and I have a lot to say about her. :)

#the gone series #caine soren #Gone

[cuttlefishkitch]

hello! i haven't talked to you before, but ron said that i could ask you for some advice on writing eds? (i'd like to know things to avoid/common things that could come up in everyday life that would be good to mention/the sort of aids and stuff they'd have maybe?/anything else you think is relevant)

Hi! Sorry this took so long, a combination of ADHD and chronic pain slowed me way the fuck down. Thank you for being patient! 

EDIT: WEIRD HEEL THINGS I FORGOT!!

So, before I get into this I should probably say I technically haven’t been diagnosed with Ehlers Danlos Syndrome (EDS for anyone reading) because it’s one of those syndromes that takes forever to get diagnosed with (it took a friend of mine’s mother over 30 years to get dxed). Many doctors, and everyone I know who does have EDS agree with me that it’s probably what causes my chronic joint pain and some of my other chronic issues. But just because three separate doctors have said “Yeah Probably” doesn’t mean I’m diagnosed!! Only a geneticist can do that!! And they had two-three year waitlists BEFORE the apocalypse happened.

I am diagnosed with Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS), Small Fiber Neuropathy, and potentially misdiagnosed with Fibromyalgia (once I get properly tested for EDS I might get undiagnosed with this because I don’t have most of the main symptoms of Fibro, but I got diagnosed with it anyway because it’s what doctors misDX you with when they don’t know what’s wrong with you and don’t want to do more tests).

All that said, I’ve done a lot of research about EDS (mainly because it’s the only thing that explains all my symptoms since doctors seem incapable of doing so), and know a few people who have either confirmed or suspected EDS, so I’ll link to some stuff, talk about the symptoms that often come with EDS, explain how the symptoms I have affect me, because just because someone’s not diagnosed doesn’t mean they aren’t having symptoms, and probs elaborate a bit about writing physical disabilities and chronic pain in general because it’s super important to me! 

So RESOURCES aka how to make sure your post never sees the light of day because you’re linking things and tumblr hates it when people give other people information!!

Youtubers! If you want to know about the day to day of living with EDS or any disability or chronic illness I super suggest finding a youtuber that makes videos about their life. My EDS favorites are

Jessica Kellgren-Fozard

Annie Elainey

Amy Lee Fisher

Websites! If you’re asking random folks on tumblr I’m assuming (and hoping) you’ve already done the basic WebMD google searches and looked over the seemingly ridiculous lists of symptoms and related conditions, so here are a few websites that are made more for people than for doctors.

The Ehlers Danlos Society

OhTWIST (That’s Why I’m So Tired)

ChronicPainPartners (the fact that they have an entire section of articles called “Dealing with Doctors” should really tell you something)

Books! If you feel like doing actual reading! I suggest reading books written by people with Ehlers Danlos, to get a feel for how they portray themselves. I’m not saying steal, but it’s probably a good point of comparison to see how your portrayal feels. (haven’t actually read these b/c my ADHD doesn’t let me read)

Ria Ruse by Morgan S. Ray (a superhero book with a disabled super MC!!)

Mysteries of Maybelle by Imani Benfell (Imani is still in high school and has already written and self-published a book cause she didn’t have enough representation for herself how cool is she!!)

Bodies in Motion by Liana Brooks (tw for pregnancy problems and miscarriages in the link, because it’s a blog post talking about integrating EDS symptoms into the story without explicitly naming them as such)

OKAY, now for some rambling about EDS SYMPTOMS!!!

Ehlers Danlos is one monster of a genetic condition in complexity and variety. There are THIRTEEN different identified types of EDS, it often comes with Mast Cell Activation Syndrome (MCAS) and/or POTS, and can lead to various other conditions like gastroparesis, chiari malformation, craniocervical instability, and/or bad teeth. So if you’re going to be writing a character with EDS consider what other comorbid conditions they might also have. I’m mainly going to be talking about Hypermobile EDS (hEDS) because it’s what I probably have and what I’m most familiar with. That said there is a lot of overlap in symptoms with the other varieties.

I started typing this section and realized I was going to have to break it down even more so we’re going to talk about Chronic Pain, Unstable Joints (Dislocations and Subluxations), Skin Things, Mobility Issues, and Other Weird Shit and how those things get addressed separately.

Gonna get the Other Weird Shit out of the way first. Because EDS is a malfunction of connective tissue it can fuck up all sorts of random things. For instance, I and many other people w/ hEDS have trouble swallowing. Shit gets stuck in my throat, I sometimes choke on and have to cough up food, and pills can be hard to swallow, which sucks cause I take A Lot Of Pills. If it doesn’t cause full-on gastroparesis it can cause IBS or other digestive problems b/c the digestive tract is mostly made of connective tissue. It can potentially cause heart problems even if they aren’t as big of a risk as in some other forms of EDS. Premature osteoarthritis is common because what you need is more joint pain. And Fatigue OH BOY THE FATIGUE. And of course the headaches, can’t forget those pesky migraines can we!

AND piezogenic papules!! I completely forgot!! Piezogenic papules are little white bumps that appear when you put weight on your heel. In some people they hurt, but in others they don’t. They’re technically tiny little herniations of fat peaking through the fascia in the heel. They were added as part of the diagnostic criteria for hEDS in 2017!

Now for Skin Things cause it’s not as big a thing in hEDS as it is in other forms. Basically, in a lot of forms of EDS, the skin is extra stretchy and extra delicate. It bruises and tears easily, people with the extreme versions of this can accidentally scratch something into an open wound if they aren’t careful. My skin is pretty soft and sensitive, I def have the typical velvety skin, and as is pretty par for the course of someone with hEDS my skin is a little stretchy, and sorta delicate. I’m not as tissue-papery as some people get, but I almost always have at least one mystery bruise or scrape b/c existing is hazardous. Most of scars are also pretty normal, unlike the extremely papery and atrophic scars (though I have a few tiny acne scars that are atrophic) that are common with other kinds of hEDS. Something that I DO have is Lots of Stretch Marks, all over my thighs, and even down to my calves. Which wouldn’t be abnormal, except for the fact that I’ve never been over 145 lbs and I’ve never been pregnant. Having a lot of stretch marks or striations in the skin without due cause happens because the structure of the skin isn’t as strong as it is in people with a normal amount of connective tissue.

I don’t have to worry as much about my skin but people that do are usually very careful with adhesives because they can irritate or tear the skin, which sucks when you need a lot of bandaids cause your darn skin won’t do its job.

Now on to the meatier stuff and since I’m mostly working backward let’s do Mobility Issues!! These can happen in loads of ways, but a lot of what causes these in people with EDS are the other two things I wanna talk about. Unstable joints lead to increased risk of injury when doing stuff people with fully functioning joints can do.

For context, I’m an ambulatory wheelchair user, meaning I can walk, but a lot of the time it’s better if use a chair. Mine is mostly for my POTS symptoms, but the fact that my legs aren’t also in absolute agony is a big plus. I use a custom manual wheelchair with a SmartDrive (b/c I’m very fucking fortunate and have good insurance) whenever I leave the house and have to be “walking” for more than a few minutes at a time. I can’t fully self-propel in a manual chair because it would be damaging to the joints in my arms and hands, but the smaller chair is easier to maneuver in less than accessible spaces (like almost everywhere). There was about a month-long span where I used a very cheap and very bulky electric chair while I was waiting on the ideal set up I have now. Before that, I also briefly used, and sometimes still use, an up-right posture cane.

People with EDS have widely varying mobility issues because of how uniquely it can manifest. My cane only gave me a little help with balance because if I used it in any prolonged capacity any pain it took away from my legs was relocated to my arms, and as an artist, my arms are more important to me!

If you’re going to write a character with EDS having mobility issues as a result of their EDS the best thing to do is to narrow down their specific needs. Are their knees complete and utter garbage but their shoulders and wrists strong? Maybe they can get away with using a cane. Can they not stand for longer than 5 minutes because of the vertigo from their POTS? Maybe they need a manual wheelchair. Would propelling themself damage their back and arm joints? An electric chair might be necessary! Plenty of people with EDS use all sorts of combinations of these aides to get around their life, consider how your character’s good and bad days would be. Do they have back up plans if they overestimate themselves? There can be a lot to manage, but don’t let it scare you off! Sometimes I try and make it into a resource management game (because I’m a game designer and that’s what I do), to make evaluating my energy and mobility needs more fun!

But now let's tackle some of the reasons those mobility aides might be needed. Unstable Joints.

Ever stepped wrong and rolled your ankle? It hurts for a few steps and then kinda fixes itself, or maybe it bothers you for the rest of the day and you put it up and ice it when you get home? When I was walking around outside my house that would happen AT LEAST once a month, usually more. Some times I’m sitting wrong and when I get up my knee isn’t a knee anymore and decides to just give out from under me. My knuckles are made of unruly popcorn and they Don’t Want To Stay Home!! Oh! And my shoulder is more often out a little out of its socket than it is fully in.

Unstable joints lead to Dislocations and Subluxations of varying intensity, and some people get them more frequently than others. Some can be severe enough to necessitate hospital visits and even surgery, some subluxations are so banal (like my fUCKING SHOULDER) that you just learn to live with the pain.

If a character is going to be in high action, combat-heavy scenarios, chances are they’re going to be popping out joints left and right. Hell, depending on the severity of their joint laxity they could be doing the same sitting at a desk. Again, it’s incredibly varied. I’d suggest setting some sort of baseline for yourself, of what a character’s joints can and can’t stand up to, and maybe do some research on which joints are most likely to pop out in general (hips and shoulders are big culprits being the wacky ball and socket motherfuckers they are). Then maybe have something pop out or hold up every so often when it shouldn’t cause hey! EDS is kinda just like that! Unpredictable!

Some ways people manage joint laxity is with braces, KT tape, and physical therapy. Braces come in many different forms, since I’m currently getting pretty much no treatment for my shitty joints I use mostly compression braces made for sporty people. It really is amazing how much a bit of tight fabric can do to keep my wrist in place.

More specialized braces often have solid parts to prevent the joints from hyper-extending (bending the wrong way) and causing further damage. If you ever see someone with what looks like diamond shaped rings around a bunch of their finger joints, chances are those are Ring Splints, and are there to keep the finger shaped like a finger. I want to get my hands on some and get some on my hands Very Badly, because my fingers hyper-extend SO MUCH when I type, and it makes my hand pain way way worse.

KT tape is another thing people often use. It’s stretchy tape you put on your skin and it basically functions kinda like a second ligament as well as reinforcing the joint and keeping the bones mostly where they’re supposed to be. The problem with this is a lot of people with EDS have very sensitive and fragile skin like I mentioned before, so KT tape can cause allergic reactions, chronic skin irritation, or just straight up take the skin with it when someone goes to remove it. Hence a lot of folks are really careful with it.

Physical Therapy is kinda the best (and only) treatment for joint laxity aside from Very Invasive and sometimes Highly Experimental surgery. It focuses on strengthening the muscles around the joints so they can do the work all those bone ropes made of body glue can’t. The problem is finding a physical therapist that 1) knows what EDS even is, 2) knows you have it, and 3) knows how to treat it without doing stuff that’ll Phucking Hurt You Worse!! Because exercising wrong with EDS can do Permanent Damage!!!

Again most folks use a combination of all of these things, or have next to no access to them b/c healthcare sucks.

Anyway, on to one of my favorite topics, Chronic Pain!! One of the reasons this post took me so long!!!

Chances are if your character has chronic pain as a result of their EDS there are gonna be some things they hate, including stairs, rain, thunderstorms, stairs, hills, uneven terrain, oh and did I mention stairs??? It’s going to vary person to person, but almost everyone I’ve met with pain from EDS has complained about their knees. For me the most debilitating pain is in my fingers and wrists. They’re by far my least stable joints but I use them constantly for stuff like drawing, typing, and sewing.

Because my joint pain is so wide spread, like most people’s with hEDS, it effects every single part of my day to day life. I can’t carry a heavy ceramic plate, open a bottle, or even use my computer without pain. It’s practically impossible for me to get comfortable in any position be it sitting or laying down, and as you can imagine that makes it hard to sleep a lot of the time. Moving too much hurts, but so does sitting still. I’m constantly taking braces on and off or cracking/stretching my joints so they pop back into place and hurt less.

Also being in pain makes everything else That Much Worse. I get tired way faster than I did before my pain was this bad (I had chronic pain for a while before actually realizing it wasn’t normal to not be able to walk down the block without feeling like your foot bones are trying to escape). My sensory issues and anxiety disorder are more easily aggravated because my base level of comfort is way worse. It fucks with my depression. And OH BOY does it make my ADHD worse because being in pain is fucking distracting as hell and makes it harder to make decisions and switch tasks. Also my ADHD often makes my other symptoms worse cause I forget to take my meds, don’t drink enough water, or can’t find my fucking braces because the item eating black-hole that comes with ADHD stole them. The intersection of mental and physical disabilities is probably a rant for another time though, so back to chronic pain.

Does it suck? Yes, undoubtedly. Is this incredibly debilitating? Of course it is, I spent the last several months unable to feed myself without assistance because there was a staircase between my room and the kitchen and I could only manage to climb it once a day. Is it overwhelming? Definitely, I’ve frequently broken down crying from a combination of pain and frustration because I’m having a bad day and there’s no relief to be found. Am I able to predict when it’s going to rain with uncanny accuracy because any change in barometric pressure makes me feel like every bone in my body is trying to kill it’s neighbors? You bet your fucking ass I am!! Does it sometimes make me irritable, angry, and occasionally dismissive of when abled people get cold or a temporary injury because the stuff they’re complaining about is my life every single day and all avenues of treatment and recovery I have could take years and still not entirely solve my issues? Yeah, and while I deserve a little extra patience I also have to be sure to check myself because I don’t want to turn into someone who’s nasty to be around. Do I sometimes need to sleep for 17 hours straight because it’s raining, I have migraine, and I’m in too much pain to be conscious? Yup, sometimes a few days in a row. Does living in constant pain mean I’m unable to do all the things I want to and does that sometimes make me wanna curl up in bed and never leave? Yeah, it happens.

But! And here’s the big important but, that’s not everything! I still write, draw, and talk to my friends!! It might take me a little longer but I get there. I’m still happy and excitable and make the time to write out five page long posts about EDS because it’s something I’m passionate about! My chronic pain doesn’t stop me. I refuse to let it. I never really wanted to go mountain climbing anyway, so I’m perfectly happy being able to make it up and down the six steps in my house, even if sometimes I have to sit and bump down them on my ass, or crawl up them like a cat. Chronic pain isn’t all I am. It isn’t a fate worse than death. It isn’t the only thing your character should talk about (though I do talk about my pain a lot cause I’m a complainer about almost everything). You can have your character be hindered by their pain, realistically they would be. You can have them seek comfort, support, and relief. Other characters can commiserate and be sympathetic, but it doesn’t mean their whole life is going to be one big pity party, that would be incredibly fucking boring. I know I’d be bored out of my mind.

All that said dealing with chronic pain, especially from EDS, is Complicated. Physical Therapy is the gold standard, but like I said before it can be a long and difficult process, and isn’t always accessible. Stabilization methods like I talked about before can help prevent pain, or reduce it by keeping bones mostly where they belong. Heat and cold help joints, relax muscles, and reduce inflammation but keeping them applied is rough and the relief doesn’t always last. Doctors prescribe anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, and sometimes even anti-epileptic medication to help manage pain, but everyone’s mileage with those varies. And I’m not at all qualified to talk in-depth about narcotics or other heavy duty pain-meds, but suffice to say the war on drugs fucked shit up for people that legit need that kind of help BIG TIME.

Now for my closer/bonus rant about EDS and Disability Writing in General!

Everyone always says write what you know, so if you really want to do disabled people justice, get to know disabled people! Make friends with disabled people, get involved with advocacy groups, consume content made by disabled creators both about disability and not! Disabilities are so fucking diverse, even EDS is such a complex disorder, and comes with so many potential co-morbidities, that practically everyone with it has a unique experience. There’s no way I can fully explain everything in a tumblr post. Hell, even if I could talk to you for hours probably couldn’t give you enough info to answer all your questions (especially since I’m still in diagnosis hell :,) ), so talk to a wide range of people with EDS and other disabilities!! I know it sounds like a lot of work but trust me, disabled people are some of the strongest, raddest, coolest, people you will ever meet that it won’t feel like it.

And don’t be afraid either, the fact that EDS and other disabilities are so wildly varied means that you have a little bit of wiggle room with your character’s experience. There’s so little disability rep out their I think people are WAY to scared to try their hand at writing it. So long as your character is a fully developed person in addition to being disabled, you give some logical thought as to how it would affect their life, and you don’t make their disability the butt of any joke it isn’t difficult to avoid ableist writing. PLEASE WRITE MORE DISABLED PEOPLE AND PEOPLE WITH CHRONIC PAIN/CHRONIC ILLNESS!!

Okay that’s it, again sorry it took so long for me to get back to you! My fingers were being little pests about it, and my ADHD (which is honestly more disabling than everything else a lot of the time lmao) was being an asshole! Hope this helps, and feel free to ask me more questions if you need clarification! It might take me a bit but I do love talking about this stuff.

#neela-chaan #ehlers danlos syndrome #EDS #hEDS #hypermobile ehlers danlos #disability #writing advice #disability writing #Chronic Pain #asks #SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG IM JUST SLOW #also i'm sorry the formatting is such a wreck #my adhd won't let me go back and fix it #and i've already spent way too much time

[atzgiggle]

Hello!! can I suggest something with lee! seonghwa and ler! ateez hwa is a tiny bean so I think it would make people soft

Sickfic part 70283

Lee!Seonghwa x Ler!Hongjoong

A/N: thank you so much @hooongjoong for the request! wasn’t sure if with “ler!ateez” you meant all ateez members or any ateez members but either way, i’ll get a lee!seonghwa x ler! all other ateez members going soon anyways:)

also, notice how i’m physically incapable of writing anything other than sickfics/comfort fics? ha ha. enjoy. didn’t proofread as always.

(*'▽'*)

A soft knock on the bedroom door woke Seonghwa from his light sleep. He didn’t have the energy to push himself from the mattress and turn to see who it was, but he heard slow footsteps towards his bed and the rattling of some crockery. He felt his mattress towards his right, and only then did he turn his head to look up sleepily.

“How are you feeling now?” Hongjoong’s gently voice said.

Seonghwa’s voice was raspy and weak. “You guys aren’t going to practice?”

“That’s not an answer to my question.”

Seonghwa sighed deeply, face down into the pillow. After an hour of puking his stomach out the previous night, Seonghwa didn’t fall asleep for another 4 hours. It was currently 10 AM, and he’d expected Hongjoong to be in the practice room with the other members by now.

“I feel like crap. My throat burns from all the vomiting, it feels like there’s a tornado going around in my stomach. At least I got some sleep..” the older answered. Hongjoong tsk’ed sympathetically and rubbed Seonghwa’s back, to which the latter relaxed.

“I brought you some tea for your throat, I figured it’d burn. You should get cleaned up and have some breakfast, Hwa. I’ll make you pancakes if you wanna?” Seonghwa stayed quiet for a moment. Was Hongjoong really gonna stay home for him, when he had so much to do? He was the busiest out of all of the members.

“What about practice? The others did go, right?”

“They did, they’re practicing the choreography without us,” Hongjoong said.

“But.. shouldn’t you be there? You’re their leader.”

“Yeah, but I’m your leader too. And you’re sick, so I’m not leaving you alone here without anyone to take care of you,” Hongjoong argued. Seonghwa blushed. “Plus, they’ve got the choreographer and Yunho, they’ll be fine.”

Seonghwa sighed and nodded. “I don’t wanna get up yet.”

“Then don’t. I’ll make breakfast while you shower, but I can stay here for now if that’ll make you feel better.” Seonghwa nodded, and Hongjoong started to lightly draw patterns into Seonghwa’s back with his nails.

Seonghwa almost tensed up from the sensation, but he held himself back and relaxed. He couldn’t keep his mind from wandering off, however. The light back rubs triggered the lee in Seonghwa, and his cheeks flushed as he imagined Hongjoong’s hands slowly moving towards his sides-

Wait. He wasn’t imagining it. Hongjoong’s fingers were really dancing towards Seonghwa’s sides, and he tensed at the realisation, tiny whimpers sounding from the vocalist.

“Hong~!” he whined, trying his very best to hide how his ears turner bright red.

“Sorry, sorry! My hands slipped,” the younger said, trying to sound apologetic, though there was a grin stuck on his face. He had suspected the older’s liking to tickling, as he always noticed how Seonghwa would raise his arms to stretch or pretend to grab something from the highest shelf, and the way he’d smile when he did receive a poke or pinch here and there. Hongjoong thought it was adorable, and Seonghwa’s reddening ears at the “accidental” side tickles was all the confirmation he needed.

For a while, Hongjoong neatly stayed in the area of Seonghwa’s back, until his shoulders stopped being so tense and he seemed relaxed again. That’s when Hongjoong dug his fingers in Seonghwa’s hips, this time a little more sudden. The latter let out a happy squeal, which he immediately tried to cover up by throwing his hand over his mouth. He squirmed until Hongjoong retreated his hands again.

“Hongjoong! Why-why did you-”

“You can tell me, you know?”

Seonghwa gulped. He had a slight idea he knew what the rapper was talking about, but he didn’t wanna think about it. “Tell you what?”

“That you like tickles.” Hongjoong’s tone was calm, with a hint of playfulness from the smirk that grew on his face as he so effortlessly exposed Seonghwa.

The older freezed. His cheeks burned hotter than the sun. How did Hongjoong find out? Was he that obvious about it? Did the other members know too? For how long?

There were a million questions swimming through Seonghwa’s brain but he couldn’t make up the right words to say something, so he stayed quiet.

“You thought I didn’t know? Oh, you cute little thing~ You’re so obvious about it, you might as well just hold a sign that says ‘Please tickle me’,” Hongjoong said, chuckling as Seonghwa whined. The older’s hand came up to hide his cheeks.

Seonghwa felt the mattress shift, and before he knew it, Hongjoong mounted his butt. His hands were still on his hips, rubbing circles into them oh so slowly and devilishly. It made Seonghwa squirm.

“Nothing to say, hm~?”

“S-shut up.”

Seonghwa expected the tickling to get worse, but Hongjoong stayed still, making Seonghwa whine with anticipation.

“Oh, you didn’t think I was gonna do anything without you asking first, did you?”

..Seonghwa really didn’t wanna ask. He could barely say the t-word on its own, in any context, let alone specifically asking Hongjoong to tickle him.

“But- but Hongjoong-“ he tried, face buried in the pillow.

“No buts, hyung. You’re gonna ask politely if you want anything. Come on, it’s not hard.” Hongjoong’s hands suddenly grabbed onto Seonghwa’s sides, and Seonghwa gasped. They moved upwards, palms smoothly running over the ribs, to his shoulder blades, down his back and back to his hips, where the fingers drummed on the slight streak of exposed skin impatiently.

Seonghwa creaked out a small, “please”.

“Please what?”

He sighed, and swallowed down his shyness and shame. “Please tickle me.”

At that, Hongjoong smirked, immediately digging his fingers into Seonghwa’s hips. This time, they did keep squeezing and pinching, sending waves of giggles through Seonghwa’s body.

“That wasn’t so hard now, was it?” Hongjoong teased. Seonghwa grabbed onto the sheets, giggling into the pillow uncontrollably.

“Shuhuhut uhuhup!” he said, trying to sound a bit firm, though the words came out mixed with high pitched giggles and squeals.

Hongjoong’s hands smoothly snuck beneath Seonghwa’s shirt, and he went from squeezing to scratching and spidering, all over Seonghwa’s sides. They climbed upwards, nearing the boy’s ribs.

“It ticklehehehes!”

“Tickle tickle tickle~” Hongjoong teased, building up the anticipation before he started pressing onto all of Seonghwa’s ribs.

“Hohohongjoong pleahahahase!” the older begged, but his pleas fell on deaf ears.

Hongjoong just chuckled, and raised Seonghwa’s shirt.

“H-hong what are you dohohOHOHO nohoho~!”

Hongjoong had leaned down, pressed his lips to Seonghwa’s back and blown a big raspberry. He continued blowing raspberries, all over Seonghwa’s back, sides and hips with a squirming and begging Seonghwa beneath him.

“Stohohohop Joongiehehe, I can’t!” Seonghwa really didn’t want Hongjoong to stop. In reality, he had the biggest, happiest and most genuine smile on his face and he was happy he was finally getting what he before that moment only had dreamed about.

In addition to the raspberries, Hongjoong dug his fingers into Seonghwa’s sides once again, nearly making the older scream.

After a few more minutes of endless tickling all over Seonghwa’s backside, Hongjoong decided it would be better to let the vocalist rest for a bit. The tickles clearly cheered Seonghwa up, so he was sure he wasn’t done exploring Seonghwa’s ticklish spots for that day. He didn’t wanna drive him to the point of puking or passing out from laughing too much, though.

He got off Seonghwa’s butt, and let him catch his breath before making the boy sit up. He handed him a cup of tea.

“I don’t want you to feel like you have to hide things like these from us, hyung. It’s okay,” Hongjoong said softly.

Seonghwa blushed as he sipped his tea. “I know, I know. It’s not you, it’s just.. I was embarrassed. That’s all, it’s not like I don’t trust you, Joongie.”

Hongjoong nodded. “Good. I’m sure you’re not the only one anyways. Have you seen how San puts his feet in our lap whenever he has the chance? I’m gonna have to test that out too..” Hongjoong muttered, before standing up.

“Breakfast will be ready by the time you’re done showering. Hurry, you must be hungry, you ticklish little baby.”

Seonghwa’s face was as red as a tomato when he stepped into the bathroom.

(*^o^*)

A/N i hope you liked it!! i wanted to have hongjoong be the one taking care/being motherly of seonghwa for once cause everyone always makes seonghwa be the caring/motherly one and i’m sick and tired of it (yeAh)

i feel like my build ups to the tickles keep getting longer and longer. i like having a plot ok TT anyways have a nice day!

masterlist

#ateez #ateez tickles #kpop #kpop tickles #tickles #tickle #tickling #ateez tickling #tickle fic #lee!seonghwa #ler!hongjoong #sickfic #seonghwa #hongjoong

[lilfellasblog]

Lights Out

Summary: Logan's job consisted of many important things critical to Thomas' life. There was no room for error. He cannot make mistakes.

Until he makes a big one.

A/N: If you liked this, please reblog. It is the only way to help this fic reach a wider audience. This is a Tumblr ask! Thank you to the anonymous asker who waited patiently for me to write this, and then continued to be patient because I was trying out the queuing thing on Tumblr and accidentally made it so this posted here the next day. WHOOPS!! Sorry anon! You’re amazing and so kind and I REALLY hope you enjoy this fic!! I decided that since Virgil is usually the one getting hurt and needing comfort in these fics (esp in mine LOL), I wanted to switch it up for you so you could have something unique! And I figured that the central conflict in this story would also make it a little more unique for you! I hope you enjoy!

TW: crying, insecurity, self-doubt, negative self-talk, power going out and being left in the dark, mention of panic attacks, very vague allusion to a probably unsympathetic Deceit. If I missed any let me know!

Word count: 1864

AO3 here!

Fic Masterlist here!

Logan was hunched over his desk, in a posture admittedly not the healthiest but he could hardly be bothered. Thomas had three projects with outside channels and he had to update his Sanders Sides web series soon, even with the deal with Marvel. That, on top of meetings with his company, planning a video schedule for the second channel, and managing household necessities and bills, and one might find Logan rather frazzled.

(Thankfully, Patton had helped take over grocery shopping, meal planning, and cooking, only corresponding with Logan on the budget. It was one less thing Logan had to worry about.)

His forehead and back were tense, his eyes were terribly dry, and his mind was racing. His hands were shaking as he jumped from one task to the other, adrenaline flooding his system. Normally, he wouldn’t get to this point. However, with how scheduling with his company and outside individuals and companies for meeting and filming had gone, he’d been on high alert for almost two weeks now. Logan desperately hoped that the schedule would come together and Thomas would get a small break from filming and meetings; he’s seen the strain it’s taken on his Host and on the other core Sides, and they were running ragged as well.

Logan checked over the schedule Adri had sent them and compared that against the rest of the crew’s schedule.

Yes! Finally! This can work, I just need to mark this down and-

Suddenly, panic sweeps through the mindscape along with shock. Logan quickly rose up into Thomas’ realm to see… nothing. It was completely dark. As his eyes slowly adjusted, he heard Virgil rattling off possibilities that would inevitably end in their demise, Roman declaring he’ll slay any intruder that dares threaten them while offering to serenade everyone, Thomas trying to calm him and Roman down while he looked on his phone to see what was going on, and Patton tripping over things in the dark while he tried to comfort Virgil.

Logan was frozen stock still, realizing instantly what had happened.

I forgot to have Thomas pay his electric bill. The website was taking too long to load, so we were going to work on it another time when the website wasn’t so slow. This is my fault. They are upset and panicking because I have failed in organizing Thomas.

His heart shattered as he listened to Patton lead Virgil through breathing exercises.

I have caused my boyfriend unnecessary distress due to my incompetence. Such a simple oversight on my part. A foolish oversight. One that would not have happened were it another Side.

Roman was checking the perimeter of the apartment for intruders, hand on his sword while he sang Make a Man Out of You under his breath. Normally, he’d be belting out songs at the top of his lungs, which only went to show his level of distress. Thomas was realizing what had happened and looked at Logan, with only the light from his cell phone screen to see.

Thomas, Virgil, Patton, and Roman deserve a better Logic. I am clearly incapable of managing the simplest things, and now we have had our power turned off. Food will begin to rot, and we just went grocery shopping. This has impacted the budget. The increased stress of not having electronics will be incredible, and the lack of air conditioning in the Florida summer may cause health concerns. This is my fault, and my fault alone. I am incompetent.

Logan sank out to his room to figure out how to survive until the power came back on. He didn’t hear Virgil calling his name.

/////

Logan had been staring at his desk morosely for a half hour, shoulders hitching and silent tears dripping down his stoic face as he observed the chaos his desk had become.

I cannot manage Thomas’ schedule. I cannot manage his bills. I cannot manage his household needs. I cannot focus to even begin to help Thomas manage while the power is out. What good am I? I am no good. I am useless. A useless, dysfunctional Side who only makes Thomas’ life more difficult. I make him unhappy. I make the others unhappy.

Logan’s felt his chest tighten and a painful lump form in his throat. His face began to crumple despite his best efforts. Just then, several tentative knocks sounded at his door.

“Come in Virgil,” he called, managing to keep his voice mostly calm.

Virgil opened the door and walked in slowly, assessing the situation. He knew Logan rarely got this upset over something, and to tread carefully.

“How’d you know it was me?” he asked lightly.

“Your knocks are tentative, compelled by your concern to make sure you’re not interrupting someone. Regardless of how upset you may be or your level of need, your first concern is always the convenience of others. It is admirable to a point, though foolish after that point.”

Virgil huffed out a laugh. “Thanks L.”

“You are welcome.”

Virgil’s face softened at Logan’s factual response and his complete overlook of sarcasm. That was always one thing that could calm Virgil; Logan wouldn’t keep anything from Virgil or misunderstand something he said. Logan took what Virgil said at face value and spoke to him in a direct manner. There was no guessing his intent or the “true” meaning of his words, no chance to get it wrong, no chance to accidentally upset him because he didn’t read between the lines correctly…

Virgil shook his head to clear those thoughts from his mind. There was no use dwelling on the past, and it wouldn’t help Logan now.

He cautiously walked closer to Logan. “I saw how fast you got out of there. Couldn’t see your face too well though. How are you holding up?”

“My spinal column is intact.”

“That’s not exactly what I meant.”

“I know, I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. Talk to me babe.”

Virgil patiently stood next to Logan in silence for several minutes, letting Logan gather himself and his thoughts, breath still hitching with the occasional sniffle. Emotions did not come easily to Logan, so processing them and figuring out how to express them were two challenges that required his full attention without interruption. And as much as Virgil wanted to comfort his boyfriend already, if Logan felt he didn’t express his feelings properly or felt that something was unresolved, there would be no making him feel better.

Finally, just as Virgil’s anxiety began to grow, Logan spoke.

“My job encompasses many things. I am the language center of Thomas’ brain, I manage his work schedules, and I assist in the management of household chores. Notably, this includes ensuring bills are paid on time.”

Logan paused, and Virgil didn’t dare say a thing.

“If Thomas had a more functional Logic, he would not have forgotten to pay his electricity bill. We were in the process of paying it, but I decided that the website was taking too long, and therefore we would return to the task at another time. Not only did I fail to notate that in our budget, I also failed to set a reminder to check the website at a later date, and I did not remember to ensure we paid our bill.”

Logan’s voice began to wobble as he stiffened his back, attempting to control his expression. “As a result, Thomas’ health may be at risk, we may have to throw out food, which will impact our budget, there will be a late payment and reconnection fee which will also impact our budget, there is increased stress on all of you, you nearly had a panic attack, Thomas will have to work exclusively at the office, and his sleep will be disrupted.”

Logan choked back a sob, his voice coming out thick. Virgil felt his face growing hot and pressure building behind his eyes, threatening to make him cry. “I am an incompetent, useless, harmful Side. I do not perform my job adequately, and as a result you all now must suffer for it and attempt to successfully think of how to survive until power can be restored.”

Virgil waited a moment to see if Logan would continue, audible sobs choking off in Logan’s throat. When Logan didn’t continue, Virgil put a hand on the back of Logan’s chair.

“Can I give you a hug Lo?”

Logan sniffled and nodded as a sob finally escaped him. Virgil pulled Logan up out of his chair and had to catch his intellectual boyfriend as he collapsed into Virgil’s chest. Logan was letting out heart-wrenching sobs, self-hatred and grief echoing around the minimalist room. Virgil held onto Logan tightly, rubbing his back and swaying them, his own tears flowing down his face at hearing his boyfriend so anguished. They stood there for 10 minutes, until Logan’s sobs began to peter off.

The genius pulled back slightly. “M-my apologies, I did not mean-”

“If you apologize for needing to cry, I am going to physically fight you!”

Logan let out a watery laugh, which mended some of the cracks in Virgil’s heart. Virgil wiped away his own tear tracks, then reached up and gently swiped his thumb over his lover’s sharp features before returning his hands to Logan’s shoulders.

“Babe, how many times have you helped me come down from a panic attack?” Virgil asked rhetorically.

“Since I’ve known you, 867 times.”

Virgil was stunned into silence for a moment. “...holy shit. Okay, and how many times have you helped redirect the three of us so we could actually be useful for Thomas?”

Logan smiled wryly. “I believe that number is beyond my reach.”

“Smartass. How many times have you helped Roman refine a script?”

Logan frowned and tilted his head. “I’ve done so for every script, you know this.”

“I know. And how many times have you helped Patton work through and accept his feelings?”

Logan hummed in thought. “309 times.”

“Logan, we’ve all fucked up on our jobs and needed your help. You’ve managed to carry that, plus your own responsibilities, really fucking well. You’re allowed to fuck up every now and then. Let us help you for once. Please.”

Logan sighed in defeat, unable to resist the pleading look in Virgil’s eyes.  “Very well.”

“Hey, L.”

“Yes, darling?”

Virgil stepped closer to Logan, their chests nearly touching. “You do so much for us. One mistake doesn’t make you a failure. It makes you human. And no one's mad at you. Not Thomas, not Roman, not Patton, not me.”

“Technically, I am a metaphysical human.”

“It makes you a metaphysical human. Come on, you’ve been working yourself to death lately. Let me take care of you for once. How does a back massage, some tea, and some cuddles sound?”

Logan smiled softly at Virgil, the smile meant only for his boyfriend. “I would love nothing more than to spend this evening with you.”

Virgil smiled back and kissed Logan, slow and sweet. He didn’t stop until he felt some of the tension melt from his boyfriend’s shoulders. And he didn’t stop taking care of Logan that night until he was asleep, fully relaxed, on Virgil’s chest.

#sanders sides #analogical #logan sanders #virgil sanders #fanfic #thomas sanders #roman sanders #patton sanders #deceit sanders #unsympathetic deceit #tw deceit #crying #kissing #fic #fanfiction

[sagara-megumi]

SasuSaku Month 2019 - Day 7: One of These Nights || [Fanfic] Family Ties - Chapter 3

Sorry for the really long delay this time. Beside some real-life circumstances, I was hit by a so much dreaded writer’s block. I had the images clear in my mind but at the moment to put them into words, I was incapable, and the little I wrote didn’t seem to make any sense. I hope that from now on, it’ll go smoothly.

As I said before, the SasuSaku Month ended but I’ll continue writing till I finish the story, since I have already written a good part of it. So, I hope you stick with me on this journey ^^

Title: Family Ties: Chapter 3

Rating: T/PG-13

Words: 4909

Notes: There’s a rollercoaster of feelings in this chapter, as well as a few scenes and different points of view. I hope it’s not confusing and everything fits together.

English isn’t my first language so if you spot any mistakes, please tell me. I hope that you enjoy it, and thank you for the notes and follows :)

.

CHAPTER 3

Akihiko sat down on the bed of the hotel room he had booked and looked through the enormous window in front of him that overlooked the city, lit with thousands of lights more than usual with the fast approach of Christmas. Almost three weeks had passed since that fateful night when Mikoto and he had decided to give themselves some time apart from each other so he could sort out his feelings, and finally, he had managed to make a decision.

It had been hard to assimilate everything she had told him, to think about what the best solution for all of them was because it was not just a matter of them as a couple any more, but also, of their children. Her youngest son was also a vampire and he would be living with them, and he had a daughter he had to protect at all costs. He needed to know that she would not be in danger, that she would have a normal life until the moment she decided to spread her wings and become independent. Also, he had many questions about her and her circumstances. He had tried to research about them but all he had found were legends and wild assumptions, overblown facts that made them monsters, and she was anything but that. Her face appeared in his mind, her sweet smiles, her words advising him when he was lost regarding his daughter, telling him the truth about her condition... He could not deny that he still loved her, maybe even more than before. He was just unable to imagine his life without her in it.

A knock took him out of his reverie and, after breathing deeply, he stood up and walked to the door. Upon seeing him, Mikoto smiled lightly, but he could see that behind that gesture, she was as apprehensive as he. She was wearing a thick anorak with a hood, trousers and low heel shoes. Her black hair was up in a neat bun, though some wisps of hair had scaped it, framing her slightly pale face. She had told him on the phone that she would meet him after the closing of the department store and seeing the time, it was clear that she had hurried to get there.

“I apologise for making you wait.”

He shook his head and stepped aside, and she entered the room, looking around as she unzipped her coat.

“How are you? he asked, clenching and relaxing his hands, trying to calm himself.

“I'm fine” she put the garment on a chair and turned, smiling softly at him. “And you?”

“I'm well, busy in the office, as always, especially with the New Year approaching.”

She nodded and laced her fingers in front of her.

“I hope you don't mind we're meeting here” he approached the table in the centre of the room. “At the beginning, I thought we could have dinner at a restaurant but...” he paused for a moment. “... I think what we have to talk about is not a topic to discuss in a public place.”

“I agree.”

He combed his hair with his fingers and looked at her, a wavering smile playing on his lips.

“I-I... There's so much I need to know that-”

Mikoto sat down on the bed, resting her hands on her lap and looked at him in the eyes.

“Ask me everything you must know or you're concerned about.”

He nodded and sat down on a chair.

“Maybe it'll take long...”

“Don't worry” her smile was soft. “We have time.”

.

“Sakura?” Akihiko knocked on the door the following morning, calling his daughter's name. “Can I come in?”

Upon hearing her answer, he opened the door and looked at her, smiling.  She was sitting at her desk, studying, bathed in the dim light of the early morning sun, dressed with comfortable dark grey cotton trousers and a thick beige turtleneck jumper, and he could not help a smile. She was so responsible and mature that sometimes, it seemed that she was the parent in the family instead of him. She should be the one falling in love, having a wonderful partner and enjoying going on dates. He did not even know if there was someone she fancied. In the beginning, he had thought that she would end up with Naruto, being so close and knowing each other so well, but she had closed that door the day she had returned home worried and in tears after he had confessed to her, fearing that she had lost her best friend forever. And except in that case, Sakura had never been too open with him regarding love, and he supposed it was the normal thing. After all, those were things that a girl shared with her mother. She had talked about singers, actors, gushing about them and even taking control of the television when one of them was on it, and even about one or two boys of her school but it had been clear to him that it had not been anything serious. He had never known if there had been someone she had fancied seriously at one point.

“Is something the matter, dad?”

She was looking at him with curiosity and he shook his head, scolding himself for spacing out so easily.

“Sorry...” he approached her and looked over her head. “So, how are you doing?”

“Well” she smiled and swung a bit in her swivel chair. “I finished studying the content of each subject a while ago and I've started reviewing the most difficult parts...” she paused for a moment and put a strand of hair, loose from her short ponytail, behind her ear. “To tell you the truth, I'm a bit restless since the exam date is approaching but I think I'll be fine...”

He nodded, putting his hands in the pockets of his trousers. She had talked about a few universities that she wanted to attend to, but none in particular, but that did not worry him too much. Opposite to other parents whose only aim was for their children to go to a prestigious college, he only wanted her to be happy studying to be a doctor, her wish since she was a child, and he had left the choice of place to her. As her homeroom teacher had assured him in their last meeting, with her academic record, she could aim for any of them.

“Anything else?” she tilted her head as a slow smile started to play on her lips. “Because I think your interest in my studies isn't the only thing that brought you here.”

He lowered his head briefly and tried to suppress a small smile. Nothing scaped his daughter’s intuition. He sat down on the bed and cleared his throat before starting.

“That's true...” he gazed at her. “Mikoto-san and I are going to get married...”

Feeling a slight oppression on the chest as a fleeting image of her mother crossed her mind, Sakura stared at her father for a moment. She swallowed. Finally, it was happening, and though she had been the one to encourage him and had had time to assimilate the idea, it still felt like a blow.

“Both of us had our big ceremonies so we've decided that the wedding will be very simple” he was saying when she recovered a bit. “We'll register our names and give a small party for our closest relatives and acquaintances.”

He was wringing his hands nervously and, as he looked at her, she could see hope and eagerness, and at the same time, a faint glint of insecurity, of fear, and she smiled, knowing that it was for her, because deep down he knew that she had hoped that his devotion for her mother would have lasted forever. And for that, and for putting her above everything else in his life, her affection for him could not be greater.

“I'm really glad for you, dad.”

He extended his hand to her and, looking a bit puzzled, she put hers in his palm.

“I want to assure you that I still love your mother, deeply, like the first day I met her” Sakura felt a knot in her throat and her eyes filled with tears. “Mikoto-san is not going to replace her in my heart or in this house...” he tightened his hold. “I know I'm being selfish, it's a bad time for changes with your exams so near-”

“Dad” she interrupted him softly, rubbing her eyes with her other hand. “Are you happy?

Akihiko gazed at her for a few seconds. She resembled her mother so much, and not only physically, and she was looking at him with so much love that in his mind he felt as if his first wife was paying him one last visit to give him her blessing. He brushed a lone tear which had fallen on his cheek and then, he smiled shyly.

“Yes, I am.”

She squeezed his hand and smiled sincerely.

“Then, that's all that matters.”

“Thank you, Sakura.”

They stayed like that for a while and then, breathing deeply, Akihiko spoke again.

“There's one more thing... We... don't want to wait too much and since Mikoto-san's apartment contract expires at the end of the year...” her heart raced in her chest. “She and her son will move in during the New Year holidays.”

Her mind tried to argue that it was too soon. She had barely had time to assume the situation and now, in two weeks, her tiny family would welcome two more members. However, her heart full of emotions shut its whispering voice. His happiness was above all. Her jaw trembled a bit and she clenched it instinctively, so her father would not realise.

“Th-That's fine” she chuckled briefly. “Though we have lots of things to do before that...”

Akihiko nodded and stood up, a relaxed expression softening his features. Sakura closed her eyes and exhaled, repeating to herself that it was for the best, repressing the urge to cry. There would be time for that later when she was alone. He was about to turn to leave the bedroom when he seemed to remember something. “By the way, do you have plans for the twenty-fourth? I know it's a special date...”

She laughed and shook her head.

“My friends were talking about having a party, but it'll probably be another day so the couples can spend their time together. I'll probably have a very nice rendezvous with my textbooks.”

“Well, then, I think I have a small surprise for you. We decided that it would be a good idea for the two families to have dinner together that day... I convinced Mikoto-san to have it here, at home.”

Sakura opened her eyes widely and turned her head, looking anxiously at the calendar on her wall, next to her desk.

“But that's next Saturday!” confused, he saw her take out a small notebook from one of the drawers. “And, there's so much to organise...”

“Sakura?”

She muttered something as she scribbled furiously on one of the pages and then, she looked at him, her eyes glinting determined.

“I'm sorry, dad, I know tomorrow is your day-off, but we need to clean the house.”

.

Mikoto examined her sons' faces and, deep inside, she sighed tiredly. She had not expected them to be exultant with the news she had just announced to them but at least, they could be tolerant with her decision. Itachi, the oldest, was regarding her calmly, none of his thoughts reflected in his sharp features. He was the one who looked the most like her ex-husband with his facial expression lines and his stern expression. Sasuke, however, resembled her. He had her big eyes and slightly round cheekbones, and his character was similar to hers too. At least, before. During his childhood, he had been cheerful, affectionate and sociable but at that moment, his furrowed brows, his lips pressed in a thin line and his disapproving pupils were the same as Uchiha Fugaku's every time they argued in the last years of their marriage.

“I'm not asking for your consent, just your understanding...” she breathed deeply and tightened her joined hands on her lap. “I know it's something difficult to accept, but...”

“I'm fine with it.”

Mikoto looked at her eldest son a bit perplexed, not really expecting that reply.

“But Itachi!” Sasuke intervened, breaking his silence. “He's a human! Humans are food, we don't marry them. The clan-”

“Sasuke” Mikoto replied calmly. “I don't belong to the clan anymore” her son frowned and looked aside. “I understand your position but you know that this has happened before, and not to outcasted members like me.

She saw him clench his jaw, as even he, being so young, knew that it was true. Despite all of them being brought up to feel superior and prideful of who they were and it was taboo to speak about the topic, there was a considerable number of them who had fallen in love with humans, leaving the clan voluntarily, and rumors about important members who still belonged to it and led a secret life with human partners. She knew that her wedding would cause an uproar, especially because Sasuke was the clan's head youngest son and he still lived with her.

“He's a good man, educated and kind” she smiled lightly. “He made sure I was the one making the decision, he wanted me to talk to you before answering. And he assured me that nothing would change if I refused his proposal” he still had his head low and she sighed. “I'm not asking you to love him or pretend to do it. I'm just asking you not to ignore or look down on him, to get on with him. I know that once you'll turn eighteen, you'll go back to live with your father but until then...”

Sasuke stayed silent a bit more. He was sincerely trying to feel even a bit happy for his mother. It had been a long time since he had seen her eyes spark like that, even though she had become serious the moment he had reacted to the news. However, he could not find it in himself and he was not one to feign his feelings. Since his parents had divorced when he was fourteen, deep inside he had hoped that someday, they could be together again and they both would return to the clan. It was their home, their family, their place. And, even though he had continued bound to it, being the youngest son of its leader, his mother had immersed herself in the human world with her work and her friends. And now, she was taking one more step into it by marrying a common man.

He looked at her. She was gazing at him, serious, determined. He had only seen that expression on her face a few times, the last one when she had decided to leave her old life behind and, as before, it would not matter what he said or complained about, he knew that she was going to do it.

“I understand” he mumbled.

Itachi had watched his brother's struggle with concern and for a moment, he had dreaded that he would say he wanted to live with their father. Since Sasuke had been a child, he had sought his recognition, being always in his older brother's shadow, and he had witnessed how he had strived to meet all expectations and overcome difficulties. He had tried to make his days more bearable spending as much time as possible with him, helping him or playing with him. However, after the divorce, and despite Sasuke still attending the same prestigious school and spending three days a week in the main house, things had become strained, being watched for the slightest mistake on his part. And now, their father was more demanding, sterner, probably for Sasuke's own good. However, he was still a child, his character was more sensitive, and he feared that one day, he would break. He needed to stay with their mother, at least until he finished school. And maybe the experience of living close to a human could do him good.

“Does he know?” he asked, crossing his arms. “I mean, about... us.”

“He does” both brothers looked at each other, disconcerted.

“And he still wants to marry you?” Itachi lifted his brows in a sceptical gesture. “He truly must be amazing. Not many humans are able to accept us so easily.”

“It hasn't been easy for him” Mikoto half-closed her eyes for a moment. “He had many questions and was a bit insecure, but he decided after we talked about it at long length. The only condition he has is to keep it a secret from his daughter.”

Their eyes widened, surprised.

“A daughter?” Sasuke blurted. “He has a daughter?”

“Yes. She's still in high school.”

“So” Itachi smiled to himself as he leant back in his seat. “We're having a sister...”

.

Three times a week, Sakura met her friends at lunchtime on the school rooftop and the coldest months, on the stairs which led to the highest floor. Otherwise, it was difficult that they could see each other during the morning, as she, Tenten and Neji were in a different year, and even more in the afternoon, between their club activities and the entrance exams.

As they all sat on the steps, talking excitedly about Christmas and other events, Sakura was glancing at her food pensively. She had decided that it was time to tell them about her father's wedding. It was just a matter of time that they heard about it and she preferred to be her the one to announce it.

“Sakura-chan, are you listening to me?”

Naruto brought her back to reality and Ino laughed lightly, her eyebrows lifted as if telling her that she was guessing what had her so distracted that day.

“Sorry, I have a lot in my mind today...” she picked up a piece of broccoli from her lunch box. “What were you saying?”

“It was about the football match this Saturday, we play against Morigaoka and we're so going to beat them. Sai promised that if I score seven times, he'll forget that I overslept this morning and missed the meeting we had...”

He laughed sheepishly and some of them sighed loudly. Only Hinata showed him some support by patting his hand softly, her cheeks red as apples.

“So, are you coming to cheer us?”

She swallowed and put her chopsticks down.

“I'm sorry, I can't.”

“Oh, come on!” he pouted. “Studying so much is going to melt your brain.”

“It's not that” she breathed deeply and lifted her head, regarding all her friends. “I have to tell you something.”

The seriousness in her voice made all of them become silent and turn their attention to her.

“I've waited to tell you because... well, it wasn't sure but now, it is... My father is remarrying.”

.

The day had been exhausting, but she had managed to finish organising and cooking before the time. Sakura looked at her reflection on the mirror once again, smoothing out her light blue dress carefully, making sure that the dark ribbon which fastened it at the back just below her chest was well tied. Then, she took a headband with a bow and tried it but she took it off immediately. One thing was to make a good impression and a very different one to look like a doll. She gathered her hair at the nape of her neck with one hand and turned, seeing it from different angles, but that did not convince her either.

“Sakura?” a knock on the door startled her. “It's almost eight. Are you ready?”

“Give me one more minute.”

She brushed her hair quickly and grabbed another headband with three navy blue roses whose seed was a small pearl. She applied some gloss on her lips and put a thin chain with a silver cross pendant around her neck, her father's present for her fifteenth birthday. After a last glance to the mirror, she went out of the room and ran down the stairs.

Before she had gone upstairs, she had set the table and in the middle, she had put a centrepiece she had made with poinsettia and holly and two golden coloured candles. It was Christmas Eve, after all.

As she checked once more that everything was in place and that the meal was almost ready, she found Akihiko fidgeting nervously with his tie as he looked at the clock on the kitchen wall.

“Here, let me” she said with a light laugh, straightening the knot and the neck of his shirt. “Everything will be fine” she said looking at him lovingly, letting her hands rest briefly on the lapels of his jacket.

The moment was broken by the chiming of the bell, and he breathed deeply, giving her daughter a last smile before going to the door. Sakura closed her eyes for a moment, pressing her lips, and then, followed him.

She was even more elegant and refined than she had imagined. Mikoto was wearing a dark grey coat under which Sakura could glimpse a dark red suit. Her features were delicate, enhanced by a light make-up, and her black hair was tied at the back of her nape with a beautiful hairclip.

“It's a pleasure to meet you, Uchiha-san” she bowed formally, hoping her smile did not falter her at that moment, when her father introduced her.

“The pleasure is mine, and please, call me Mikoto” she answered her gesture with one of her own. “These are my sons, Itachi and Sasuke.”

As she was ready to bow again to the two men that would become her brothers, her gaze falling on them as Mikoto stepped aside, she felt her smile freeze on her lips.

In front her, next to a tall man with his long hair tied in a low ponytail, who smiled pleasantly at her, it was the person she had least expected to see in her house that night. As the boy of the train glanced at her, a knot suddenly closed her throat and her heart thundered in her chest. However, he showed no signs to recognise her.

“Sakura...?” her father murmured worriedly.

Her eyes widened and she swallowed, bowing a bit hastily.

“Nice to meet you.”

Her voice had trembled slightly and she berated herself for it. While she felt a hot blush burn her cheeks as the only word he uttered reached her ears in a low mumble, she breathed deeply, trying to calm herself. Even though her mind was racing confused, it was not the moment to feel giddy like a little girl but one to show she was a capable hostess and accompany her father in one of the most important moments of his life

'Remember what he thinks about fangirls... Remember how you usually behave on the train...'

Clenching her jaw, and with that thought in mind, Sakura straightened herself and, even though she still could feel flustered, she mustered the courage to smile politely and take Mikoto's coat, as Akihiko did the same with both men.

Her father invited them to step inside and, as Sasuke passed by her, she smelled his perfume, a soft scent which reminded her of the forest. He was very handsome dressed with a while shirt fastened with a zipper up to just below his collarbones and black jeans, a belt with a silver buckle tied around his waist.

“It should be forbidden to look so good in such simple clothes...”

.

“The food is delicious, Sakura-chan.”

“Thank you, Mikoto-san” she smiled over her glass of apple juice. “I'm really glad you're enjoying it.”

The dinner was going well. As they had taken their seats, Mikoto admiring the decoration of the table and the living room, where she had set some lanterns with candles inside on the sill of the big window in front of them, a Christmas tree near the sofa and fairy lights that highlighted certain spots of the room. As she started serving some light appetizers before the main course, the slightly tense atmosphere had started to relax gradually as Itachi broke the ice and asked some questions to Akihiko about his job, and she had admired the engagement ring that the woman wore on her left ring finger. A bit later, once the main course, roasted pork, had been served, their attention had gravitated to her and her school.

“Sakura-chan, Akihiko-san told me that you are taking your entrance exams in a few weeks... I'm sorry that our wedding is going to interfere with your studies.”

“Please, don't worry, Mikoto-san” she smiled. “I'm doing fine and it won't be a problem.”

“Then,” Itachi spoke and Sakura turned her attention to him. “She's older than Sasuke?”

“Really?”

“Yes, he's in second year of high school.”

The four of them looked at the young man briefly, and he moved uncomfortably, eating some vegetables. He had not said much during the meal, only answering when asked or agreeing. Sakura had not been very surprised by his attitude. During their brief encounters in the train, she had deduced he was not a very sociable person, always travelling alone and in his own world, cautious and keeping his distance when someone stood near here. And she supposed that being thrown in the maelstrom of their parents' engagement and marriage was being difficult for him too.

“Sasuke-kun” she called him, trying to hide her nervousness, and he glanced at her, leaving his glass on the table, his eyelids dropping a bit upon hearing the suffix attached to his name. “When were you born?”

He took a moment to reply and she swallowed hard, having the impression that in a way, she had offended him.

“July.”

She chuckled tensely and he turned his attention to his food without looking at anyone else or saying another word.

“I was born in March, so that makes me at least three months older than you.”

There was an awkward pause that Itachi filled immediately.

“It's a really short time but enough to be a year ahead at school” he picked up a small piece of meat with his fork. “A pity, Sasuke, you'll be the youngest child again.”

Sakura noticed him tighten his hold around the knife but no other reaction came from his brother's teasing.

“You'll have to be patient with him, Sakura-chan” Mikoto whispered as a small wistful smile appeared on her lips. “He's a good boy but...” she interrupted herself, doubtful about the words she should use, and then, shook her head. “Just give him a little time.”

She nodded and then, focused her attention on him again. He was talking to his brother about something, and her father was listening to them, a relaxed expression on his face. She supposed that, after so many years having only a daughter to talk to, having men in the house was refreshing for him. And, though Sakura felt a small pang of melancholy and jealousy, she also felt glad for her father. If Sasuke managed to open up to him, maybe he could become something akin to a son to him.

And, if she could forget the feelings that she had which made her heart skip a beat every time their eyes met and butterflies flutter in her stomach when his quiet words reached her ears, he could also become a brother to her.

TO BE CONTINUED

#Naruto #fanfic #ssm19 #ssm19d7 #sasusakumonth #Uchiha Sasuke #Haruno Sakura #SasuSaku #OTP

[veliseraptor]

novum oriens, 2.1k, clint and natasha’s a+ parenting verse, this is the actual first installment chronologically other than the prequel, writing things in order? what’s that?

thanks to the anon who reminded me about the existence of this verse and brought me back to finish this large chunk of it I started to write ages ago and never finished filling in!

Clint liked to think he was pretty used to weird. He might not be as cool-headed and unflappable as Nat, but most people weren't, and he was pretty damn good at rolling with the punches.

That being said, there was 'weird' and then there was 'Thor showing up out of the blue with a kid at his heels.' Small kid, too, about waist-high, short black hair, his head swiveling around like he was trying to look at everything at once but still sticking close by Thor, who looked a lot more serious. "This is Midgard?" the kid said, sounding both curious and a little skeptical.

"Indeed it is," Thor said. "And my friend's home."

"It's--" the kid stopped abruptly, glanced at them, and then said politely, "very impressive." Clint pressed his lips together so he didn't snort. Tony looked like he was trying to decide between being amused and offended. Steve cleared his throat.

"It's good to see you again, Thor," he said, and then looked at the kid and opened his mouth. Thor interrupted before he could say anything - probably ask what his name was.

"Brother," he said to the kid, and Clint froze. "Would you..." He paused, and the kid gave him an arch look, a little half smile.

"Are you trying to get rid of me, Thor?" he said, and for a moment Thor's expression was panicked, but the kid gave him a little shove. "It's all right." He turned to Tony and said, "where's the washroom?"

"Uh," Tony said. "Down the stairs, take a left and then another left. Second door on the right."

"Thank you," the kid said brightly, and departed. Clint stared after him, stomach in knots.

"Tell me you have another brother," Clint said, the moment it seemed like he was out of earshot. Thor's expression tightened, and Clint swore. "You're telling me that was - Loki?"

"Yes," Thor said.

"Loki who died?" Bruce said. Thor's expression tightened further.

"Yes."

"And you brought him here...why, exactly?" Natasha asked, an edge on her voice. Thor glanced toward the stairs.

"Because I need to ask you a favor," he said. "I need Loki to stay here with you."

Absolute, dead silence followed his pronouncement. Clint felt like he'd been clubbed in the head. "You're not serious," he said faintly. Thor looked grim, and perfectly serious.

"I am afraid that I am," he said. "I understand the difficulty, but..." He paused, and then said, "Loki's coming back. We can't discuss this with him here. He doesn't remember...what came before, and it is better that way."

"We need to talk about this," Steve said.

"In private," Thor said. "Is there something Loki might do while we...?"

"You want to turn him loose in my tower?" Tony said. Thor just looked at him, and Tony made a small noise. "Yeah, okay, okay, that's cool. Fine. If he breaks anything..."

Loki emerged from downstairs and Thor walked swiftly over to him. "My friends and I have some business to discuss, I am afraid," Thor said, and then added, when Loki (shit, Loki) opened his mouth, "Avengers business."

Loki huffed. "And what am I going to do?" he asked.

"Ever heard of the internet?" Tony said suddenly. Loki gave him a perplexed look, and Tony said, "you're gonna love it, I guarantee you. Guys - let me know where you decide to meet."

Thor ruffled Loki's hair, who gave him a scowl and a wrinkled noise as he shook it back into place, and Clint felt like he was going to choke on his own tongue. He looked quickly away and found himself meeting Natasha's sympathetic gaze. It's just a kid, he told himself, but of course that wasn't all he was. And it was hard not to feel like believing that made Loki harmless would be a very large mistake.

**

“I gave the kid a Starkpad and showed him how to use the internet, so that should keep him busy for a few hours,” Tony said, dropping into a chair. Clint noticed that, the kid, like he was trying to avoid saying the name. “So…”

No one seemed to want to start talking, so Clint went ahead and dove into the breach. “Okay, I’ll say it,” he said. “Are you seriously talking about just dropping Loki with us and leaving?”

Thor’s gaze was on his hands. “I would not do so if I had other options.”

“You have an entire planet,” Clint said, maybe a little belligerent, so sue him.

Thor’s lips twisted. “Asgard is not safe for Loki. Not...as he is.”

Steve frowned. “People are targeting him? A kid?”

“Many feel as you do,” Thor said. “That it matters not his age, that it is...safer to put an end to his life now, while he is still young and vulnerable.” Clint’s stomach clenched a little but he shut that feeling down. Or tried. Thor lifted his gaze. “My friends. I know that you have no reason to bear anything but ill-will toward my brother, but understand - this is not the Loki you battled. He has no memory of those events, and is a child not just in body but in mind. I cannot keep him with me while I investigate this new threat - and I fear to leave him on Asgard, even among my friends, without my protection.”

Steve was openly grimacing. Natasha had her “trying-too-hard-to-be-blank” face on, which meant she was unhappy and wanted at least him to know it. Tony rubbed his forehead, but he looked as disquieted as Clint felt. “How do you know that this kid is really - all new, factory-fresh Loki?” He asked. “Not the old one messing with you to get your guard down?”

“I know,” Thor said, something cold in his voice.

“Right,” Tony said. “That’s reassuring.”

“Even if...potential threat aside, Thor,” Bruce said, and if Steve looked upset Bruce looked...a little green. Clint supposed child abuse might be a sore spot with him. “None of us are exactly what you’d call babysitters.”

“Hey,” Clint objected. “I’m good with kids.”

“Then that makes one of us,” Bruce said. Clint was relieved that he didn’t disagree out loud, at least. “But...we don’t exactly lead safe lives, either.”

“I know,” Thor said, “but with you is the safest place I know on this Realm. I do not think any would try to harm Loki, with you as his protectors.”

Oh, Jesus. Clint could see by the look on Steve’s face, and Bruce’s, and even Tony’s, that they were going to go for it. And what was he supposed to say? Yeah, I’m fine with letting a kid get murdered for crimes he’s possibly culpable for but doesn’t remember, sounds good.

“What happens when we have to do Avengers stuff?” Clint asked.

“He is not incapable of taking care of himself,” Thor said. “For short periods of time…”

“We could have some kind of rotation,” Steve said. Natasha drummed her fingers on the table.

“Hold on, Steve,” she said. Clint could’ve kissed her. “We haven’t even agreed to-”

She broke off, looking toward the door. Clint looked with her, and noticed that the door was open and standing in the doorway was the topic of their conversation. Looking at him more closely now, the best adjective to describe Loki in his current state was “weedy” - narrow and almost delicate looking, and maybe it was just that his eyes were wide but they seemed too big for his face. Clint guessed he was maybe ten, eleven years old, or at least the Aesir equivalent thereof.

His eyes flicked around the room and he cleared his throat awkwardly, gaze fixing on Thor. “I am sorry to interrupt,” he said, shoulders drawing up a little like he could sense the tension in the room. “I wished to ask if there were a library somewhere?”

Clint stared at him, eyes narrowed. He didn’t look like Loki, except in the superficial physical resemblance. Different mannerisms, different posture, and his voice sounded different - hesitant, the tone of a child around unfamiliar adults, expecting to be dismissed.

“What happened to the Starkpad I gave you?” Tony asked. Loki glanced at him, and then at Thor like he was looking for guidance.

“It is...interesting,” Loki said, carefully polite. “But it is a bit…simple?” Clint had to stifle a snort. Tony’s eyebrows shot up and he looked indignant. “It is very impressive, though,” Loki hastened to add, seemingly entirely earnest. “I did not know that Midgardians had worked out how to make such things.” Now Bruce looked like he was trying not to laugh. Tony huffed loudly, and Loki shot Thor what was unmistakably a nervous look.

“Right,” Steve said loudly. “Well...Thor, should you introduce us?”

Oh, right. Clint wondered idly if there was a chance he could duck out and avoid having to get introduced to Loki again, but Loki’s eyes had already lit up. “No need!” He said. “Thor has spoken much and highly of you. You are Iron Man,” he said to Tony. “The infinitely clever master forger and craftsman.” Clint couldn’t help but think, nice, kid. Tony looked like he was trying not to be pleased by the description.

“And you, Captain America,” Loki went on. “Courageous and true, defender of your people and a warrior without compare.” He turned to Bruce, hesitating only a moment. “Dr. Banner?” he said, not quite a question. “A man of science, but you also-” Another glance at Thor. “You fought my brother to a standstill,” he said, with a faint tone of awe.

Bruce’s lips twitched. “I wouldn’t go that far.”

But now Loki had turned toward Clint, who tensed in spite of himself. Half expecting some kind of backhanded insult, but Loki’s expression was just one of slightly apprehensive excitement. “Hawkeye,” he said. “The marksman who has never missed his target. And Black Widow, whom others underestimate at their peril.”

He stopped his recitation and looked around the room, expectant and nervous. Thor stood and walked over, placing a hand on Loki’s shoulder, and the way Loki looked up at him sort of stung: trusting, adoring. Clint remembered what it was like to look at your older brother like that, like they could fix the whole world, like everything would be fine as long as they were there.

“It’s nice to meet you, Loki,” Steve said, just as Loki’s smile started to falter. “We do have a conversation that we need to finish, though, so…”

Loki seemed to deflate, a little. “I’ll go,” he said without argument, and Thor gave him a hard look.

“No eavesdropping at the door,” he said. Loki’s eyes flicked guiltily away.

“I won’t.” He paused. “But we should leave soon, Thor. We do not want to return to Asgard after moonrise.”

“Yes, Loki,” Thor said without a hitch, and Clint winced. He ruffled his brother’s hair. Ruffled Loki’s hair, and if Loki scowled at him he didn’t protest, and slipped back out.

“You haven’t told him,” Bruce said.

Thor looked down. “I have not wanted to.”

Tony groaned. “He’s going to flip out, Thor.”

Thor frowned. “Why should he? It is not forever, and he will understand that.”

Will he? Clint thought. Will it even matter, or will the only thing that matters be that he’s being abandoned by his brother on a different planet with total strangers?

Bruce rubbed his forehead. “Kids don’t always get that stuff, Thor. Does he...does he know that Asgard is dangerous for him?”

Thor hesitated. “Yes,” he said after a long moment. “He knows.” There was a world of something there that Clint didn’t feel up to touching. “He does not know why. We have said...that there is a misunderstanding.”

Loki seemed like a smart kid. Clint would bet he wasn’t buying that one, and he wondered what kind of alternate explanations Loki might’ve come up with.

“Loki will understand,” Thor said staunchly. “I will explain. And you are friends.”

“That’s not going to be enough,” Tony said. “And I don’t really want to see the tantrum he throws when he realizes you’re leaving him behind.”

“Does that mean you agree to let him stay here?” Thor asked. Sly. Tony looked helplessly at Steve, who glanced at Clint.

Clint grimaced. “So it’s down to me? What about Nat?” Natasha didn’t volunteer to step in, and Clint squeezed his eyes closed and exhaled harshly. “Yeah. Okay. For you, Thor.”

Fuck, he was going to regret this.

#clint and natasha's a plus parenting #a wild fic appeared

[arofili]

Aro Kel Masterpost

ETA: I wrote a fic about aro!Kel/Dom, read that if you want ;)

After Tamora Pierce revealed that Kel is aro, I was elated. To finally have representation of any kind, especially from an author and a character I really love, felt so good. Now, it’s not really good representation - I would have preferred to have it explicit and there from the beginning, but this is still incredible for me. So, naturally, this new information spurred me to reread the Protector of the Small series with Kel’s aromanticism in mind, and I unearthed a whole lot of interesting things.

A lot of this was fairly obvious, but much of it was subtext, and there’s still a lot of parts of Kel’s love life that required a bit of effort to see as part of her arospec experience, but I would say that she reads as pretty darn aromantic to me now. In this post, I’ve compiled a bunch of quotes/scenes (mostly paraphrased, sorry) and thoughts about Kel’s aromanticism and how it was portrayed in the books.

This post has been more than a year in the making, mostly because I’m lazy as fuck, but I finally managed to finish it up for @aggressivelyarospec​ week 2018! Also, the wonderful podcast @tortallrecall is coming up on Kel’s arc soon, and I hope they’ll discuss Kel’s aromanticism, so I wanted to provide an aro person’s opinion on Kel being aro for them to have as a resource if they want to use it :)

Overall: I don't think Tamora Pierce wrote the series meaning for Kel to be aro, because I doubt she would have included the “romance” with Neal, Cleon, or Dom, though that is still justifiable with her being aro [see my explanations below], but I think that she did write it with her being less interested in romance than her peers and Pierce’s other heroines and I think she very intentionally gave Kel a happy ending without romance. And so looking back, the aro label fits. She is definitely arospec, and I am delighted to read about an aromantic character.

First Test

There’s a part where Neal is being all dramatic and talking about the glory of knighthood, but Kel says something along the lines of “Well, sure, but being sung about will take a lot of hard work”. Neal responds, “You aren’t a bit romantic, are you?” and I know that it’s a different kind of “romantic” in this context but also PUNS!

“she'd had experiences with crushes—none her own, of course”

I know Kel is 10 at this point, but also, that is exactly what I was thinking at age 10.

Whenever Cleon fake flirts with her, she's so exasperated and amused. At one part he says he'll pine for her until she returns and she thinks “He'll pine and I'm a holly bush”.

And she's always so sympathetic about Roald's arranged marriage. And sure, anyone could be because they’re not ~in love~ but Kel just seems really sympathetic about marriage in general.

Neal has a crush on Daine in this book, which I had forgotten about, and Kel is so exasperated every time he talks about it. She consoles him, but she's so confused and amused by his feelings.

Page

So here we get to the part where 11-year-old Kel thinks she likes Neal. It’s funny, because it happens at the same time when Neal has a crush on Uline of Hannalof, so I think there’s definitely an argument for her reacting of jealousy. She definitely has some feelings for him, but I don’t think they’re quite romantic, and she doesn’t understand them. At least, that’s how I’m choosing to read it.

And she keeps making fun of him about his feelings, and the part where she and her friends all get together to sing him a sappy love song is really funny.

Also, she keeps complaining to Lalasa that he won’t actually do anything about his feelings. Even when she thinks she has a crush on him, she’s annoyed by romance.

@buffintruda and I were talking about this, and I wondered how we hadn’t thought of Kel being aro before the announcement, and they said something I think is very true:

Too be fair, for me at least, the last time I read her books was before I knew I was aro, and her relationships and crushes deterred me from considering it, even though now that you point them out, they're pretty weak and aro-y

At some point in the story, Cleon’s fake flirting becomes real, but Kel doesn’t realize it. She still thinks he’s joking up until halfway through Squire. Even when he’s being really obvious and blushing and commenting on her appearance, she’s just confused as to why he keeps doing this and doesn’t even consider the idea that he could be sincere.

Honestly this is such a GEM of a quote. Like, same:

“I can flirt just as well as my gelding can dance” 

When Kel is talking to Joren about how he’s “changed”, and he tells her that she should get married and her immediate response is “I don’t want to be married”. She does think of Neal, but it’s an afterthought. When I used to force myself to pretend to like someone, before I knew I was aro, I would do the same sort of thing - “I don’t want to marry anyone, ew! Wait, no, I would totally marry [insert fake crush here]...” It’s something she feels like she’s supposed to think, not something she actually feels.

Honestly, Kel’s whole crush on Neal is not really a big deal, even to her. She’ll pine over him when a situation comes up that makes her think about romance, and she’ll occasionally have that “heart flutter” thing, but it’s mostly them being great friends and she seems to forget she’s supposed to have a crush on him while she’s hanging out with him. This seems a lot more like a squish than a crush, at least to me.

So this isn’t technically related to Kel’s aromanticism, but I couldn’t leave it out. Before their third examinations, Kel and Neal talk about their friends and Neal says something like “I wouldn’t trade your friendship for anything”. Ahhh I was so emotional when I read that!! Their friendship is so good and heartwarming and beautiful that I wanted to cry!

Kel made a joke out of it, but it was really sweet and that moment was truly beautiful and relateable. It’s great to see strong friendships shown in books, even if one of the people thinks that they’re in love with the other one.

And in this scene, Kel didn’t think about her “crush” even once, even though it was a pretty intense moment for both of them.

Squire

When Kel finds out that Alanna wants Neal for her squire, she has this silly line about “I can’t not be his friend even if I can’t be his love” and Kel, please. That is far too melodramatic for you! This is so out of character it feels forced, which, if we view it through an aromantic lens, it probably is.

Aw yeah, Raoul is back! I love him. Another aro icon! @buffintruda​ and I couldn’t believe that we could imagine him as arospec, but totally overlook Kel!

When Kel joins the Own, she meets Dom! She’s wondering why Dom makes her feel all weird and “romantic” moreso than she ever felt for Neal, and I’m like... It’s because you’re making this all up! It’s amatonormativity and heteronormativity! Once you’re not around Neal, you forget you’re supposed to like him, so you find someone else to project your confusion and insecurity onto! You’re not “fickle”, you’re just a confused aromantic.

Kel wonders why “Lalasa never mentioned this”, and that’s pretty obvious. Lalasa is canonically in a relationship with her friend Tian...this girl is a lesbian.

“Who falls in and out of love in a summer?”

Probably someone who was never in love in the first place, Kel. This quote comes the next time that Kel sees Neal, and she realizes her romantic feelings are gone like they never were there in the first place.

“Were her feelings even real?”

Ding ding! Now you’re starting to get it!

Cleon is ridiculously awkward around Kel, and she is just as ridiculously oblivious of his feelings and exasperated by his flirting. (Relatable.) When he kisses her for the first time, she’s so shocked that she doesn’t know how to react which is a mood.

“They won’t be able to talk sense for weeks!”

When Yuki comes to Tortall, Kel makes fun of all the pages and squires for “falling in love” with her. She thinks “her messmates were romantic” in a way that totally excludes herself from that line of thought, because obviously she’s not romantic! That would be ridiculous!

“She hadn’t seen Cleon privately since that astonishing kiss. She couldn’t decide if she wanted to see him or never to see him again. She didn’t know which would be worse, finding that he’d done it on a dare or that he’d done it because he wanted to. Either meant a rat’s nest of problems.”

She liked the kiss, so we know she likes kissing, but that does not mean she isn’t aro. She doesn’t really want to like Cleon romantically. Unlike with Neal and Dom, she isn’t tricking herself into feeling something for Cleon; his feelings surprised her. “A rat’s nest of problems” is true not only politically, but also very much personally.

Tamora Pierce has also called Kel asexual at different times; this post is about her being aro, but there was one little ace thing I wanted to mention. When Kel meets George Cooper, she cannot figure out why Alanna is attracted to him; she only finds his eyes attractive. Kel is struggling to find anything attractive about him, and when has she ever before focused on the physical side of things when she’s forcing herself into liking someone? It isn’t something she even considers.

“Nice eyes hardly seemed to Kel like grounds for marriage.”

Yeah, well, for you it would be hard to find anything that would be grounds for marriage!

When Kel and Cleon (finally) talk about their first kiss, Cleon is trying to convince her that they should be in a relationship and Kel says something along the lines of “If people knew, they might not know it was friendly” and that’s literally the most aromantic thing I’ve ever heard. She is literally incapable of forming a reason why she would kiss someone outside of being friends. She likes kissing but doesn’t have romantic feelings.

In the same scene, she wants so badly to be interrupted by someone so she doesn’t have to deal with Cleon’s romantic advances. In the end they do get together, and some of this conversation was in jest, but Kel is truly terrified of romance and uncomfortable with her situation no matter how much she is genuinely fond of Cleon.

During the Progress, she talks to her mom about sex and Cleon. Her mom says, “you can choose if you want to have sex”, and Kel’s immediate response is “I don’t want to choose that!” Her reasoning is “I don’t want to be distracted”, “I just want my shield”, “I certainly don’t want babies” and if that ain’t the most aroace thing then I don’t know what is.

Shortly after this scene, Kel talks to Cleon, which goes something like this...

Cleon: Come down and let me hold you! Kel: No, you come up, and no holding.

Kel is terrified of sex but simultaneously struggling with her self-worth and wanting to be fuckable.

Once Kel and Cleon are officially together, their relationship is pretty romantic, which explains why I didn’t consider she could be aro at first. But even then, I see it as more that she enjoys Cleon’s company and the physical side of their relationship even though they never actually have sex. And the whole time, Cleon is so much more scared than Kel of the inevitable end of their relationship. Kel is much more practical and sees their relationship as doomed from the beginning.

Not related, but I love how Raoul and Buri’s relationship develops. They’re basically mutual beards and best friends. Buri’s such a lesbian, and Raoul is so aro!

When Kel first suggests that Raoul should ask Buri to go to his party with his aunt, she says that Buri “won’t get any romantic notions” which 1) shows how gay Buri is and 2) shows how Kel’s thought process about romance works.

This speaks for itself:

“She had decided years before that she was no prize on the romance market.”

There’s this lovely conversation while the Own is helping some town...

Kel: Why don’t people talk about hard work when it comes to war? All I hear about is glory. Dom: Pretty girls want to hear about glory, not work.

Kel wasn’t thinking about romance as a factor; she didn’t even consider it. While the Own is at Giantkiller, Kel completely forgets about her crush on Dom and it’s pretty much never brought up again.

Another gem of a quote:

“Kel thought asking her for wedding ideas was like asking a cat how to raise a horse, but she did her best.”

Kel and Cleon’s forbidden words are “love” and “marriage” and oh my god that is the most aro thing ever.

Lady Knight

There is so much less romance in this book! That’s great it in general, but it also really establishes Kel as aromantic because this is the book in which she becomes more sure of herself. She thinks about romance much less, which means there’s less things to specify how her reaction to romance proves her aro. I think it was at this point that Tamora Pierce decided that Kel wasn’t going to end up with a romantic partner at the end of her series.

On the way to the Scanran border, Neal and Roald are complaining about being separated from their fiancees, and Kel is so exasperated with them. She feels sorrier for Roald, but she approaches the whole subject with way too critical an eye to be alloromantic.

“She wanted love and children, too—someday.”

She thinks about Cleon, but it’s so distant. She’s imagining that she’ll feel different in the future, because that’s what’s supposed to happen to people, right? But she doesn’t really want love and children.

Kel’s thought of “romance was more pleasant than reality” proves that she doesn’t believe that finding romance is realistic. And as we know, Kel is practical above all.

“Friendship was there, but passion was gone.”

When Kel sees Cleon again after a few years of separation, everything she thought she had felt for him has disappeared.  And multiple times she feels bad about not loving him anymore; that’s textbook aro guilt. She emphasizes that “she could still be his friend even if she couldn’t be his lover.” She isn’t at all surprised that she doesn’t love Cleon anymore. She expected this, and she’s relieved that she was right.

“She wanted no lovers until she had settled the Nothing Man’s account.”

Kel will look for any excuse to not have to deal with romance, and everything that justifies her lack of love will do.

“Beyond kisses, Cleon was her friend.”

This proves that she always saw Cleon mostly as a friend, just a friend she also liked to kiss. To aro people things like that aren’t always cut and dry; she likes to kiss but to her kissing is not a romantic action.

She’s relieved that Cleon isn’t trying to keep things going, because it would hurt too much for both of them and because she didn’t want to have to keep faking romantic love. She’s upset about the end of their relationship because change is hard, not because she wants Cleon. She understands that now and talks to Tobe about it. I’m so proud of her!! She’s coming to terms with herself.

At Haven, Kel sees Dom again and remembers that she had a crush on him, but it’s a minor afterthought after a paragraph of her considering their friendship. When he leaves, she misses his friendship and support and doesn’t even think about romance.

And finally, the second to last paragraph in the whole series all but makes aro Kel explicit representation:

“Lovers, Kel thought, rolling her eyes. At least there was one headache she didn’t have. She was about to tell her friend [Neal] he could wait when she remembered that she’d get to see Dom at Steadfast. It would be nice to able to sit and chat for a while without kidnapping, flight, and war to distract them.”

Sure, that could (and has been) interpreted as Kel’s crush on Dom continuing to manifest, but to me it shows her value of friendship, especially as it immediately follows her declaration that lovers are a headache.

In conclusion, my point at the beginning still stands: this is not necessarily good representation. Kel’s story was written without authorial consideration of her aromanticism. But it is representation. And to me, a queer who grew up reading Kel and identifying more with her than with any of Tamora Pierce’s other heroines, even post-canonical, Word of God revelations of Kel being aro matters a lot. This is especially relevant because of the void that is aro rep—I can only name one or two canon aromantic characters from popular media, and Kel is one of them.

An aromantic lens is required to see Kel’s aromanticism, but it is there. It means something. And even though this post has been like two years in the making, Kel still means a lot to me.

#aggressivelyarospecweek #aaw #tortallrecall #keladry of mindelan #aromantic #my meta #tefain nin #tortall #i wanted to write some fic for this week but i.....didnt rip

[wannawrite]

better better 💛 🐻 🍯

너의 그 사랑만이 멈춰있던 날 다시 뛰게 해.

[ Only your love could make the me who was stuck run again. ]

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day6 masterlist

TW: if you squint, there's very mild mentions of child abuse, physical and verbal

↪ group: DAY6

↪ member: Yoon Dowoon

↪ genre: idk its not really fluff either, (IM SORRY ANON IT GETS VERY FLUFFY AT THE END) but its 90 percent angst free LOL ??? this story is too out of the ordinary to categorise lol ☀️

↪ request: hey admin n! can i have a fluffy day6 dowoon scenario where he cheers you up from a bad day in school? thank you!

↪ A/N: I really wanted to write something for Dowoon, thank you so much, anon who requested this!! I somehow thought of the spiritual love I receive everyday from God (I'm christian to all of y'all who dk, haha) so I think this story will hold a special place in my heart!!! also, the story plot is largely inspired by the story by 九把刀 - 等一个人咖啡，so if u understand Chinese please give it a read, its a nice story uwuwuwuuwwu

edit i am SO SORRY THIS WAS WAY LONGER THAN IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN LIKE the word count will probably be like idk 8000 by the time i finished this when u requested for a scenario lolz i got way too invested I apologise...I wrote almost everyday for a whole week I regret getting carried away oh my gosh, but I hope you enjoy this, I really worked very hard on this!!!

ps im sorry if jihyo is ooc, never written nor know twice well but id say I'm a fan of their music hehe

______________________________________

It was about 7AM in the morning when all of your batch gathered around at the assembly place in your school, and between occasional yawns that slipped off your mouth (thanks, end of year exams), you and your friends were talking about the happenings of yesterday as you walked there, laughter often breaking out in your little group when there were bits of humour in the story.

You all made your way down the stairs and into the assembly grounds, resembling a large, aquamarine blue quilt that took up an obnoxious part of the school-where the netball competitions and other important events were held.

Seemingly following suit with the shade of blue on the ground, the lack of sun in the morning painted everything with a small hint of lighter, sky blue itself, such that it all looked like one entity but distinctive in its own individual colours.

Realising this with your own dark ringed, half opened eyes, you couldn't help but feel the ends of your lips angle up slowly-the world was so beautiful, you couldn't help but think as you knelt down to sit onto the rugged surface of the big, enveloping area-whoever had created it for all its small but still amazing features was exceptionally genius.

As your eyes scattered around the place, still immersed in a world of your own-a shrill screech of a whistle pulled you back to the boredom of school life, and with a slight, but petty annoyance you shifted your back to face the PE teacher who had just walked over, and subsequently, so did the other students around you.

He stood in front of your whole batch, clad in a black, torso hugging sports shirt and fluorescent pink shorts-which immediately, triggered a few giggles for your batch, but the spoilsport of a whistle just had to ruin the fun again, motioning for everyone else to shut up.

You sighed when you saw the creases in his forehead, and the unmistakeable hint of a frown on his tan, oval face-this was not going to be too good of a day.

You just hoped that he wasn't going to make all of you do 4 rounds around the school today. Running, needlessly to say really was not something a person like you liked to do-sweat all over your face, springing pimples on your face, grasping for breath and literally collapsing in front of the whole class like a dead fish because of how energy deprived you were? You were going to pass, thanks.

"Now, class!" his low baritone rasped out to the class, carrying a strong sense of dominance in it like he was speaking to a platoon in the army, "We have a group of alumni today, coming back to visit and help all of you train for your Physical Education Examinations next year." At that, his outstretched wrists flicked backwards loosely, gesturing for the alumni to come, and he continued again, "They are alumni that were our top students from last year, and did exceptionally well. They have all took time out of their 4 month break after examinations to train all of you, so please be nice, and don't be so unruly."

As soon as he had said that, the class started breaking out into applause as the five students stepped into everyone's field of vision.

Your eyes widened when you saw the bones, standing out like rocks in the their toned, fit arm and leg muscles-even the girls' thighs that was supposedly, the most unattractive part of everyone's body had 'walls' lining their lean, hourglass figure. Confident smiles were plastered to most of their faces, with a few tired exceptions-heck, one even had a smirk playing on their face as he scanned the class below him.

Inwardly, as you heard the laughs of the alumni that had aroused from the awing of their juniors below them, you couldn't help but shudder inside-there was no, freaking way that you were going to look like that after training with them.

You didn't want to, anyway-that meant rigorous hours of training and stitches 'basking' under the unhelpful, boiling cover of the sun.

Just then, as you were contemplating the choices of schools you were going to transfer to to abstain from the torture that was soon to come, the guy with the playful smirk on his face had already grabbed a microphone, and was preparing to speak. Translucent frames for glasses hid his small, almost demure but yet somehow condescending eyes-you weren't getting that great of a vibe from him.

"Hello, Class 3D9, I am your senior, Park Jaehyung, and I'm here to train all of you for the exams, since all of you don't seem that excited for it, judging by your expressions." His features softened considerably from a look of mirth to one of gaiety as he started to speak in a 'half air half voice' kind of way-rasping yet not quite, and you rolled your eyes.

It wasn't really that you disliked him much, but you could already picture him being the heartthrob of the girls in class-the gleam in their previously irritant, but now smitten eyes was so undeniably revolting.

They all nodded furiously at the last sentence, and he began to laugh a bit (attracting more squeals from the girls, much to your dismay) before speaking again, this time with the narrow of an eyebrow and a more serious, raised voice. "I know all of you might be thinking that this is very pointless, and stupid. I know. None of you really want to be an athlete in the future, and I understand. But I really hope all of you can treat this seriously, because health in the long run is really very important, and I want all of you to take not only the PE finals but the entrance exam to college confidently, and healthily. Are all of you with me?"

Like how any motivational speaker would have done, there was an applied pressure at the last line, and soon, a long, unenthusiastic 'yes' drawled out of everyone's barely parted mouth.

You snickered a bit at the frown on Jaehyung's face when he heard it-he really should have known beforehand, that encouraging a class didn't consist of just one pathetic speech, and you started to doubt if he had really been from this school.

Let's face it, motivation really wasn't this generation's thing.

"Are all of you with me!" he rasped again, this time yelling into the microphone obnoxiously and poking a hole in your eardrums.

"YES!" the class shouted with increased volume to appease him.

Just please, don't shout into the microphone again, you whimpered inwardly.

At this, Jaehyung looked more or less satisfied (thank God), and with the small hint of a smile, he passed over the microphone to another guy, whose eyes first caught your own. They were delicately angled into the eyes of a fox, emanating a half elegant aura that still seemed to hint 'Let's have fun, everyone!' They fell into small crescents when he started to laugh at Jaehyung's incapabilities to lead the class, and the circles in his lean, rosy cheek bones spelt attractiveness at its finest.

With a sweet smile on his face, he held up the microphone to his mouth and started to talk. "Morning, class! Sorry if Jaehyung sounds like a bit of a drag. I know he has that student leader aura, but you can't blame him, he's always been burying his face in a book during recess-HEY!" The class, including him, started to erupt into waves of giggles when Jaehyung flicked his forehead, a faux anger playing on his arched eyebrows and widened, now not so small eyes. "FINE, fine, I'll stop! Anyway, hello Class 3D9, this is your cooler senior, Kang Younghyun, and I hope to train all of you to success in the exams. Thank you!" Younghyun proceeded to bow with the shy lift of his eyebrows, and everyone clapped.

"His real name is actually Brian, please ignore him." Jaehyung added in with a wink, earning a loud slap on the shoulder from Younghyun (with a subsequent yelp from himself) and more laughter from the juniors, yourself included. Your seniors seemed pretty chill and friendly, not like how you thought they would be.

But sadly, as they were supposedly goofing around too much, the PE teacher blew that stupid, ear-wrenching whistle of his, causing you to jump up in shock again. "Okay boys, lets finish this up quickly." he said curtly, strict gaze fleeting past the two boys and causing their playful charm to melt like ice in front of him.

As Jaehyung and Younghyun simultaneously did a long, 90 degree bow, mouthing 'sorry' repeatedly, you and quite a good majority of your other classmates sighed, inwardly feeling a tad deflated-looks like the rest of the introduction wasn't going to be that fun after all.

The introduction seemed to move past like rusted cogs, at least for just one part of it-the first girl who had greeted all of you sported two round, neat buns at the sides of her hair, complimenting her big, double lidded eyes and her elegantly curved, brightly smiling lips. The corners of her eyes bore a small fragment of the brighter sky above her, gleaming with confidence as she bowed politely, introducing herself to everyone in a more reserved way than the other two. Her name was Park Jihyo, and she had been in dance-which was quite a great feat, since dance was a niche co-curricular activity in your school, but not surprising at the same time, looking at her beautiful figure and slender, well toned arms.

As she talked, she slipped a few jokes there and then mid-conversation, not too much that the PE teacher had to cut in, but attempting to keep the class' attention on her afloat. Jihyo had an unmistakeable pleasant aura that seemed to infect everyone with her laugh, and from the bottom of your heart, you really wanted to befriend her-someone approachable and easy to talk to.

There was another girl next to her who was called Chaewon, with demure, yet youthful brown eyes and a serene smile. Similarly, she too was very friendly and talked with a very laid-back tone-but the problem was, that she talked a lot.

You didn't really mind it much when people talked a lot, but when they overdid it, it got kind of...boring.

Seemingly one hour later, your eyes struggled to remain parted mid-sentence as she went into a trite monologue about how grateful she was to stand here. By the time she was done you felt fatigue wrap around your head like a snake, till a deeper voice was suddenly amplified into the mic.

"H-Hello, I'm Yoon Dowoon, and-"

"I ate ants as a kindergartener." Jaehyung's unmistakeable airy voice cut in annoyingly, causing Dowoon's face to flush a big, rosy red whilst all of you chortled with a louder, more extreme laughter than before-and instantly, you became alive again as the mental image of a small boy swallowing the poor insect with the brightest smile sent you rolling onto the floor.

"He even gave a whole box to his teacher." came a rather unhelpful snicker from Younghyun, further fuelling the laughter and the blush on Dowoon's face.

You couldn't help but admit, that he was sort of cute when he was embarrassed, though-Dowoon had the small, but believing eyes of a child, with two pretty, but not 'big enough that it protruded' kind of bags attached below them delicately. The gentle up curve of the sides of his big button nose was really attractive, and he had semi-big lips that pouted out like the small petals of a daisy.

Seeing Jaehyung's joking, almost condescending smirk resurface onto his face and look down onto Dowoon's expressionless eyes, which now refused to concentrate on anywhere but the floor was maybe, just maybe-sort of sad.

Unlike Jihyo, you couldn't see even a small fragment of the sky in his eyes-it was as if someone had just painted his eyes brown and decided it would stay that way for the rest of the day.

Dowoon was too embarrassed to do anything else, and without even looking up, he passed the microphone to the PE teacher, whose nonchalant expressions didn't seem to care much either.

Inside, a pang of guilt rose up to your chest, and you unconsciously started to frown along with him as you noticed how uncomfortable his hardened features had looked, amongst all the giggles thrusting through his gentle heart.

Being known by 'the guy who ate ants as a kindergartener' to everyone, instead of who he really was mustn't have been a very nice feeling, especially to his juniors-who was supposed to look at him as a superior and a leader figure.

Just as you were debating on whether or not to ask them to stop, a scream broke out through the assembly grounds, shutting everyone up with a magic swipe of its hand.

Of course, it had to be the stupid whistle.

"Are we here to joke, or train? Get up, all of you! We're going to run today." the PE teacher's obnoxiously booming, demanding voice rang into everyone's ears unpleasantly, the catalyst to the small groans of dismay breaking out amidst the class that was already preparing to stand and walk to the field.

"Can you believe he actually did that?" your friends approached you in a fit of giggles as all of you approached the running track, with a new topic to revolve your conversation around.

Just that, this time, you didn't really want to join in.

It wasn't the best of days after all, you thought with a small hang up in the side of your chest. Out of all things, after seeing a poor boy getting bullied by his own friends, you had to do the stupid 4 rounds that all of you did practically every week.

As you braced yourself painfully for the sweating and fatigue that was to come, taking your rightful place behind the white tape attached to the floor marking the starting point- an unusually low cough brushed by your ears briefly, and instinctively, you whirled around.

You saw the big, believing eyes of a child again as you did so-it was Dowoon, and to your surprise, those eyes noticed your gaze and looked back.

Crap, he's really, very cute. you could feel your head lose some of its gravity and your heartbeat accelerating as he proceeded to smile after, the lift of his plump, daisy lips showing off his round, marshmallow-like cheeks.

"You okay?" his deep voice asked you gently, and you nodded with a small laugh, realising how much of a mess you must have looked in front of him for him to ask such a question.

"I should be the one asking you that. I'm sorry for laughing at you earlier."

With that, his smile angled further into a laugh of his own, and Dowoon replied, "It's okay. I'm used to it already."

You could already feel your forehead crease in slight disbelief, as you stared at the sheepish falter in his smile and recalled how unhappy he was earlier on.

"That's not true-"

BEEP!

The PE teacher's whistle had already gone off, and Dowoon, much to a top runner's expectations, was already speeding far ahead of you with a steady, confident pace as his brown curls bounced gently under the force of his movements.

Looking at nowhere but the front, he looked determined to finish what he had started-something you could probably only dream of having.

"What's taking you so long? Hurry up!" the PE teacher yelled at you, averting your attention away from your senior and back to your miserable plight.

You sighed with a slightly defeated energy, giving him a perfunctory nod as you too, began to move towards the finish line.

That is, if you could even make it.

As you ran, you made a mental note to never use that stupid whistle ever again.

________________________________________________

31st December, 2018.

"Se-second place in class? No way, you must have heard wrongly. Second place girls-wise, maybe..." you insisted disbelievingly, feeling the air brush against your throat as you inhaled sharply, hardly able to fathom the news that had just been broken to you.

Contrary to what your stubborn mentality refused to accept, your deskmate Sungjin just nodded again, the smile on his face laced with a small hint of amusement-he too, probably foresaw that you wouldn't believe such a thing.

"I'm serious, man. It came as a shock to everyone yesterday as well." he said, hiding a gentle, but knowing giggle in 'serious'. "You really have Dowoon to thank, look at you go."

You stared at the suggestive crease in Sungjin's big, pretty eyes, not bothering to hide the sarcasm dripping from your smile (very well knowing that someone like Sungjin was capable of playing such pranks on you).

"And where can I get more reliable information?" you demanded, refusing to tear away your gaze from his, and noticing the added pressure in 'reliable', Sungjin couldn't help but break into a more relaxed smile as he lifted his hands up in surrender.

"Fine, go see for yourself, just don't hit me, please."

He pointed a finger at the notice board, littered with numerous sheets of construction paper from all the projects your class had been assigned this year, almost like a peacock's feathers unfolding.

However, there was one paper that stood out from the rest, dull, white and boring-but maybe not so, once the truth was revealed.

In big, bold letters, it spelt:

PHYSICAL EDUCATION EXAMINATION RESULTS: CLASS 3D9.

The thought of knowing your results had thrown all thoughts of replying to Sungjin out of the window as you could hear the squeak of your shoe soles speed across the classroom towards the notice board.

Frantically, as the long table of students revealed a clearer picture of itself to you, you decided on looking at all the names from the bottom to the top-no better way to set yourself up for disappointment than to face it sooner.

It had been a while of panning up, and your squatting legs were getting tired; though knowing full well that you looked the part of an idiot while doing all this. You couldn't find your name anywhere on the board, and as your legs slowly broke its position to ascend further, the anxiety in your chest seemed to rise along with it-what if you had done so bad a job, you couldn't even get a position?

What if Dowoon had seen it and would never talk to you ever again? What would your parents say when they knew...

Just as your imagination was trailing all the way off from your real goal, the truth imprinted in cold, black ink debunked all of the scenarios in your head.

Your name was right next to the position, second place.

"So you weren't lying!" was the first thing you did as you shouted out of instinct from the opposite position of the classroom. As many other students turned their heads to you in slight frustration, you could hear Sungjin's sniggers direct back at you in response, which was yeah, albeit sort of annoying-but nothing could really smother the joy you were feeling at this moment.

Your eyes lingered for a long time onto the placing that you had gotten, and you recalled all of Dowoon's practice sessions with you-how he had drawn out almost 90% of his 4 month break just to train with you after school, how you had nearly tripped over a hurdle on the running track and causing both of you to laugh, how he had made you draw out a meal plan for him to monitor your food intake everyday-you'd never thought you'd say this, but you really, really missed it.

As you thought back to the believing eyes of a small child, looking up at the boundless sea of a sky-the clouds floating past resembling well his sweat glazed cheeks, you realised-how much you'd miss his presence that pushed forward, reaching out to the you who couldn't be bothered with most things, his care that reached out to the you who didn't care for yourself-not necessarily in a romantic way.

The thought of getting Dowoon's number had very stupidly, slipped off your mind amidst all the joy he had brought you, and your good mood was surprisingly diminished by a small tinge of guilt as you returned to your desk.

You regretted it. A lot.

"All those training sessions with her partner must have helped a lot, huh? The one who ate ants in kindergarten, I have to laugh." Suddenly, the silent, but tangible hiss of a group of girls fluttered past your ears, and without thinking, a small sense of anger blazed up in your heart as you stood up with a jolt.

How dare they say such a thing about such an amazing person.

Your chair did a loud, ugly screech against the floor as it happened, and the girls looked to you, slightly perplexed-that was, until you grabbed onto their wrists, and locked eyes with them-with a fire in your eyes that you yourself hadn't recognised.

"Don't talk about your senior like that." you deadpanned, with the motivation of anger that had backed you up well.

Just then, you noticed the arch of your eyebrows, and the anger in your movements reflected in their cowardly gazes, and for a second, you wondered-if the you that was acting like this, was really you.

"Sorry." was all they could manage awkwardly, a sheepish, yet somehow insincere smile dripping from their lips as they slipped away to their own desks-people nowadays just loved to talk about others behind their backs, and you sighed.

Only your love could make the me who was stuck in a rut run again.

_____________________________________________________________

"You got second place in the finals? Okay. Well, good for you, but I don't think you'd come to me just for that." the PE teacher slurred his words sharply, suddenly looking up at you from the bend of his glasses with a dull expression in his eyes. He seemed way more fascinated in the papers lulled over by his wrists than your dumb questions, and in all honesty, it was getting sort of annoying.

The lazy whirr of the fan spun over your head, fitting perfectly into the awkward silence between you and the teacher as you twiddled your thumbs awkwardly, trying to figure out a way to paraphrase such a stupid request-not daring to meet his steely gaze that somehow, stubbornly refused to tear away from yours.

He was right, however; the last thing you'd ever do was to go into the lion's den without an ulterior motive.

No one really dared to talk to the PE teacher about anything else besides school.

Plus, you could already imagine all the worst case scenarios if he was in a particularly bad mood today, and...let's just say that detention would potentially be the second best option.

He really wasn't the best person to talk to.

But in this case...

You looked up at the spinning blades of the fan again, and felt the swirl of cool air blow through your hair gently.

Maybe he was.

At such a comforting touch, you tried your best to ignore the pounding headache dragging you down; and with painstakingly mustered courage, you spoke.

"T-Teacher, do you have Dowoon's number? Like, the one who was our senior?"

Regret kicked in the second you had spoke of Dowoon's name, and you could literally feel your temples and limbs lose all sense of gravity as your reputation crashed to the floor. You could feel your heartbeat go into allegro, pounding onto every organ in your body as the PE teacher looked up with the most unreadable expression on his face.

Sweat emitted disgustingly from your scalp as your chest rose and fell back in waves, failing terribly to compose yourself. This is it, you dreaded your indelible fate that was to come as the PE teacher raised his eyebrows-you were barely standing up already, and you could feel your kneecaps wobble unhelpfully under the tendrils of anxiety.

I'm doomed for life, Dowoon's gonna think I'm a stalker, and-

"Hahahaha."

Laughter rolled out in the depth of that intimidating voice, like coffee spilt over a cleanly lacquered table.

You felt your eyes widen as you looked up at the teacher again, still grasping for breath as your heart refused to stop beating-after all, collapsing on the spot seemed like the best path in such an awkward situation.

Especially when he looked at you with amusement twinkling in the corners of his slit-shaped eyes.

"So, what next? You're asking, me? To help you with your half baked attempt of asking a senior out on a date?" he snarled sarcastically, getting out of his seat and approaching you. The corners of his mouth tugged at a smirk, baring his set of sharp teeth; the jaws of a wolf, that spelt warning at its finest, and in all your shock, you recoiled back.

You didn't think this was how it would end up; no, not like this.

Just then, you felt a hand arrest your wrists tightly, digging holes in your skin.

The pain from the wolf's claws amplified your vocal cords as you screamed, causing all the other teachers out there to look at you from their desks, and inside, you wanted to cry; you had never been humiliated so bad in your entire life.

"In your dreams."

Just like that, with the help of a brute force you were mercilessly thrown out of the staff room, and before you could even put a foot on the floor to stabilise yourself you heard a loud bang behind you-followed by the even more painful sound of the lock seizing the entrance of it.

You got up, slightly blank, slightly hollow, slightly lost-as you walked a bit further, heart feeling heavy with all the baggage in your chest-before the feelings got hold of your throat, and tumbled out through your eyes unashamedly.

You were way too sad to hide any further.

Pathetically, to do all you could to mask the feelings that had crept up onto you, through the not so fair play of fate; you held a wrist to your face as you sprinted back to class, with a scar zipped across it, just as it had done for your broken heart.

__________________________________________

"I'm sorry for what happened today...but I'm happy that senior was able to bring you so far." he barely managed, with his smooth, soft voice that seemed to skim lightly over the atmosphere of the café; just like the soft cream that had been drizzled meticulously over the cup of coffee on the table.

You weren't taking it, the coffee that he had made for you not too long ago. Not really that you had anything against him, no-definitely not your caring, gentle coworker, but you didn't really have the mood to drink anything as of now...You sighed briefly, dusting your apron to keep yourself preoccupied, but still not managing to let off all the steam in your body.

The incident had very admittedly, left you scarred; very literally and mentally. Leftover embarrassment was still tugging at the corners of your heart, begging to be attended to while you tried your best to shrug it off, and walked to the counter to unlock the cashier; the cheery ring of the bell above the door had struck at a rather unconventional time, and a customer was already walking in.

It wasn't very fair that they'd have to put up with your emotional baggage when they were here to get a drink, maybe even to destress and wind down for the day.

"Pil-ah, it's okay, I don't really want a drink as of now." you played it off as calmly as you could, slotting the key into the box and letting it slide open with a click. "You can drink it or something, you don't look too energised yourself."

A disappointed whine echoed back in response to your lousy excuse; there was no way Wonpil was going to believe such a stupid reply, and you could already anticipate his nagging voice as he opened his mouth.

"Heyyyyy, come on...don't be like this, I've known you for so long already. You've got to take care of yourself, even when you're sad."

The last line got you hard, and as you saw the customer's eyes widen in judgement behind her mop of ashy bangs, you couldn't help but glare back at him.

"Wonpil, I said I was okay." you deadpanned with added pressure, however, subsequently feeling guilt crawling onto your nerves after realising how mean that had sounded. His features had softened considerably, with a slightly hurt look in his big, innocent eyes, and you didn't really want to hurt anyone else when you yourself had been hurt enough.

"I'm sorry, just-I'm tired from today." you sighed helplessly, having been pushed into a corner, and being his understanding self, Wonpil nodded back with concern laced in his seemingly nonchalant smile.

After making sure everything was more or less alright, you hastily attended back to the customer, who was looking slightly frustrated with how long you were taking-and after she had ordered her iced americano, she looked a little more satisfied as she took a seat by the table nearest to the window.

It wasn't surprising; the weather today was warm. Lances of golden sunlight had dropped by the café, gracing its interior in its crisp, evening glow, and very miserably, laughing at your bad mood that contrasted with it.

"Are you okay now?"

You turned around to see Wonpil, eyebrows raised, hands rested in the pockets of his apron; and a rare, but serious look in his eyes as he prepared to listen to you.

As much as you didn't want him to worry over you, you knew how stubbornly insistent he was with getting things off your chest, so nevertheless, you opened your mouth-wondering what you had done to deserve his grace at the back of your mind.

"I-It's nothing really, it's just-" you exhaled, breaking into a nervous box smile as you ran a hand through your hair, barely having the right state of mind to continue, "I really wanted to thank him for his kindness and how he cared for my growth so selflessly, but apart from being so embarrassed by the teacher, not being able to do that anymore-it makes me feel so, so bad, knowing that I was never able to do anything for him, because I really, really miss him, and-"

"Don't say anymore. I understand."

You felt Wonpil's hand descend onto your back, like the touch of a small, but pretty little butterfly as it fluttered over the expanse of your spine, caressing it gently and hushing your shaking nerves.

All the thoughts had miserably, coaxed your feelings forward, and without knowing, you had started to cry again as you held your palms to your face-trying your best not to cry too loudly as you let out small, uncontrollable sobs.

"T-Thank you so much." you choked awkwardly, not knowing any better way to express your gratitude, and even in the darkness of your closed eyes, you could already picture Wonpil's relaxed, comforting smile playing on the sides of his face as he chuckled softly.

Just then, a cough cut in, putting a halt to your sobs and causing both of you to turn to the customer.

"Um...I'm sorry to interrupt this moment, but can I have three iced lattes? Please?" he said, carrying a half air, half voice tone-and with the guidance of your instinct your head immediately shot up from your palms.

There was only one person you knew with such a voice-the one you heard when you had first met the school alumni.

"P-Park Jaehyung?" you yelled instinctively, and your own eyes revealed the truth to you quickly-lean, rosy cheeks, big lips, small, droopy eyes, that were now widened into large circles as they stared back at you, with equally as much surprise in his gaze.

"Ohhhhh my! Y-You're the junior that trained with Dowoon a lot, right?" In his hearty voice, he exclaimed almost disbelievingly, but causing you to blush furiously; it was rather weird being so closely associated with him. "And hey, don't be rude-how dare you call a senior by their full name." he added on teasingly, and both of you laughed.

"I think I'll make the drinks for today-you definitely need to catch up with him, someone might be there waiting for you." Wonpil's voice said behind you understandingly, and you said a quick thank you with a smile before walking over to Jaehyung's seat.

"Oh, sorry for my impoliteness, Your Highness, Park Jaehyung, my queen-does this make it better now?" you retorted quickly, with a cheeky smirk on your face and triggering a gasp from him.

"Excuse me? Your audacity? Oh, and by that guy's sound, you sound like you're only here to see Dowoon, how sad-he isn't here, because I'm the most significant out of everyone there." he snickered back, laughing even harder when you stuck out your tongue back at him pettily-but to your surprise, it didn't last very long.

"Jaehyungie-hyung, don't be so mean! I'm here, hi! I haven't seen you in so long, are you doing okay?" a deep voice exclaimed, causing your jaw to drop even further, if that was even possible-and your feelings seemed to arrest all the air in your chest, just for a second-when you once again, saw the big, believing eyes of a child and his kind, untainted smile.

It was the boy that had spent countless hours under the sun, pushing you towards your goals endlessly.

It wasn't just any person, a random school alumni that had came to their transit stop for a while to leave again-it was Dowoon, Yoon Dowoon, of all people that you could have seen on that miserable day of yours.

It seemed almost intangible, yet so palpable as you ran to him, calling his name, as your hands managed to even hug his taller figure again-you could have nearly cried when you felt his bigger palm crash against your back with sincerity, and while you heard Dowoon's deep voice roll out a long string of laughter, commenting jokingly, "Man, I never knew a girl would miss me so much," you sort of wanted to smack him-yet was definitely in awe of the fact that you could hear that laughter again.

You'd never think that you would have heard it ever again.

"Shut up, I'm just here because you got me a second place position in running, loser." you giggled it off coolly, but failing terribly to hide the happiness stupidly written all over your face as Dowoon's smile angled up further, wearing his pride proudly on his sleeve as he gave you a high five.

"Really? Oh my gosh, that's so amazing! I'm so proud of my student." he laughed, childlike eyes widening in happiness and amplifying his innocence. "You deserve it man, you trained so hard for the test-definitely more commitment than I think you would have had."

"Ow, thanks a lot for the last comment, jeez, alright, I know I suck." you jutted out your lips in faux sadness, clutching your heart to your chest-but quickly remembering why you were so happy to see him again, you hastily added, "But thanks anyway, for guiding me. Couldn't have done it without you, taking so much time off your break."

There. I finally said it, you thought happily, allowing yourself a small grin when Dowoon rejected your praises quickly, hurriedly saying, "No, no, I didn't really do anything," and starting to ramble on about how you had done so much more to deserve it-his eyes got even bigger when he was in slight shock, and he looked the part of a small, innocent child more than ever.

"And oh, right." Dowoon suddenly spoke up amidst the topic of running, grabbing your attention. You couldn't help but giggle when he was about to open his mouth to speak, but instead-shut it again and started tugging the edges of his hair, mouthing things to himself with eyes squeezed together tightly-probably a long string of Jaehyung's 'motivational quotes.

A part of your heart fluttered at the purity his very being exuded-he was really, very cute.

But in all your mirth, you couldn't help it-you absolutely had to smack him.

"Yoon Dowoon, hurry up!" you snapped quickly, however with a cheeky smile that showed your real intentions. Dowoon was momentarily taken aback-but his features quickly softened after, when he realised you were joking.

"Sorry for being such a big mess, it's just..." he barely smiled softly, breaking out into further nervous laughter when Jaehyung and Younghyun started to beat his back repeatedly.

"Do you want to go out with us today? We're going to my place further out from the city, and uh...we're setting off fireworks and having a picnic around there and playing our instruments and stuff-" There was probably going to be no end to his rambling if Younghyun hadn't gave him a loud slap on his back-at this point, the creases in his eyes and sheepish box smile showed it all; he was incredibly, incredibly flustered, and to your dismay-also incredibly endearing.

But still, you couldn't miss grabbing the opportunity to tease him. You lifted your lips into a smirk, rocking your shoes against the foot of the table as you cooed, "Aww, is my senior asking me out on a date? I'd love to go with you, aww, Dowoonie..." Everyone in the place, yes, including that grumpy female customer; broke into fits of giggles, raising the atmosphere of the previously still, 'cultured' public place as you chased after Dowoon, who was currently running away from you and ducked his head to hide under the table.

"Haha, why are you genuinely scared? I was only joking, you're so adorable." you grinned cheekily as you saw the blush dancing above his round, squishy cheeks and the embarrassment in his semi opened eyes, "I'll come with you. It's quite timely as well, since I've had quite a bad day at school...You know what, I'll say later. I gotta finish my shift first, Wonpil can't possibly do everything for me." you quickly added when you saw his eyebrows widen in slight concern, and with a good-natured, outstretched wrist you helped Dowoon up from the table; who was quick to stick out his tongue when he saw that Jaehyung and Younghyun were still unable to contain the mirth written across their faces.

"So, I'll see you at 7 then?" he smiled awkwardly, trying his best to ignore them, and you nodded back eagerly as you walked him out of the shop, and into the embrace of the outdoors again.

It seemed so coincidental, that even as Jaehyung and Younghyun had simultaneously tagged along behind the two of you and out into the open, the sun was only blazing through the gaps in Dowoon's curls-girdling the ridges of his shoulders, slicing through the sides of his face and oozing into the crevices of his warm, faith-filled eyes.

You smiled.

The world was so beautiful.

"See you later! Don't miss me too much!" you yelled out to Dowoon jokingly, as he and the other boys got into the small scooters they shared-and after he had yelled back with equal gusto, "Back at you!", the three scooters sped in the other direction; hopefully, anticipating the time where they came back the other way again, because you sure were.

_____________________________

unknown: It's 7 lol have you ended your shift yet?

you: Yeah I have! Are you Dowoon or...?

unknown: No I'm Brian #sike

unknown: Please ignore that, Jaehyungie-hyung took my phone, I don't know what he's doing with his weird hashtags again TTTTTTTTT

you: HAHAHAHA TELL HIM HE SUCKS

you: It's nice to have your number though...it sucked not being able to contact you :( How did you get it anyway?

Dowoon: Yeah hhhh Wonpil told me earlier :) I didn't think you would mind...so

you: Haha of course not! Anyway, are you on the way?

Dowoon: Wouldn't dare to be late, I'm already here hehe ^^

Your head shot up with excitement, nearly screaming as you saw three headlights blaze at you, from the curtain of darkness that had shrouded the city not too long ago. It was around autumn right about now, and you were rather sensitive to the cold-so seeing their warm presence was quite comforting.

Noticing that you were already hanging up your apron and practically bouncing to the kitchen to clean up, Wonpil couldn't help but throw a good-natured laugh at you. "Someone's excited for their first date." he remarked suggestively, cleaning the used table under the illumination of the light bulb hanging above him, and if it wasn't for the distance between both of you you would have probably kicked him in response.

"Shut uuuuup, there's literally 2 other boys goiiiiing." you whined, taking one of the leftover plates scattered across the sink and soaping it,"-The chances of you and I dating just about now is probably way higher than Dowoon...well, at least, I've known you for about a year plus right now, and him, 6 months at most." Wonpil couldn't help but giggle again at the uncertainty in your voice, and pettily, you stamped your feet on the floor.

"There's no way my future partner will be someone as mean as you, I take all my words back." you pouted jokingly, and subsequently, starting to laugh at yourself too-this conversation was going absolutely nowhere.

"Hey, but in all seriousness, I think you should just go. Don't make them wait too long, after all, one of them is your future boyfriend. I'll take care of wrapping up." Wonpil spoke up again, approaching you as he hung the cloth by the arch of the sink, and took the plate from your hand kindly-gesturing for you to wash your hands as he pointed to the tap.

With unmasked gratitude you smiled back at him, washing your hands briefly before taking your phone from the counter, "Thanks again, Pil-ah; and one more freaking thing, before I have to repeat it a second time, there is no way Dowoon is going to be my boyfriend." you remarked strictly, taking your school bag from the seat close to the door and slinging it over your shoulder excitedly-the events of tonight sounded incredibly fun.

"Thank me by inviting me to your future wedding!" Wonpil screamed in his high pitched voice when you opened the door, with the silvery chime of the bell above it-and this time, you really, really wanted to kick him, because outside, in the cold of the night Jaehyung was literally having the time of his life laughing at you and nodding back to Wonpil in agreement (one of the rare times where he actually sided him).

"Boys suck." you groaned pettily as Dowoon, with unmistakeable redness on his face gestured for you to get onto the back of his scooter, and Younghyun laughed.

"Doesn't seem that way with our Dowoonie, am I right?" his unmistakeable fox eyes shot you a small wink, which was sort of annoying-till he yelled smugly, "Good luck on being the first there with extra baggage! Not like anyone ever manages to triumph me anyway."

With that, Younghyun's scooter whizzed off, black coat and black locks fluttering behind him care freely, like how his very personality was-and soon, Jaehyung's scooter whizzed off too, the only thing behind him being his screams of "I'm GONNA BEAT YOU THIS TIME, BRIAN!", and you couldn't help but giggle a bit-the antics of those two were always so stupidly humouring.

"Sorry, they can be a bit of a public embarrassment." Dowoon laughed helplessly, shaking his head, and with a small smile you too shook your head; you were totally fine with them, and you'd even say that having them around was enjoyable. "-Jihyo and Chaewon are actually joining us later, but they weren't comfortable on the scooter, and we need someone to drive our instruments."

He paused for a bit to catch his breath, expelling a small puff of white before explaining, "I hope you're okay with it too-the scooter can feel very unbalanced at first, but I think you can handle it. This sounds incredibly awkward, but you gotta hold onto my waist, or you'll probably fall off within a second of me accelerating. Alright? Don't want to be responsible for your medical fees." Dowoon ended off with a joking crease in his smirk before he tossed you a neon yellow helmet from the basket of the scooter, and you nodded before putting it on.

He thrusted the key into the slot rather vigorously, and soon there was a dull roar from the engine behind you, and at his command, you awkwardly positioned your hands at his waist area. Admittedly, it felt pretty good, however-the coat that hugged his waist was made of soft, thick brown fabric, and it reminded you of your honey scented sheets back at home.

"Ready to ride?" he suddenly piped up, happiness laced in his deep, comforting voice, and you shot him a thumbs up sign.

"Always ready." you answered eagerly, and with a louder roar from the engine than before, both of you sped out towards the moon, that lay on the horizon of the shimmering sea.

________________________

You felt like you were riding on the brim of a cloud as the wind zipped through your hair and your jacket, starting to take flight and flutter violently behind you like kites in the sky. The feeling of being so close to land, yet so far up into the sky was so indescribable-gravity accelerated the thrill in your heart as Dowoon let out a long, unceremonious scream, cheering for the destination that wasn't too far from where you were.

"We're almost here!" he broke into a small gummy smile beneath the mop of his fluttering curls-they seemed to run across the border of his forehead, like running waves crashing beautifully onto the shore of a beach.

However, contrary to your imagination, the river that surrounded all of you in its big embrace was especially quiet-only letting small dribbles of light from the lighthouse float gently above the surface of the waves as both of you moved past, like bioluminescent lily pads that had descended from the glow of the moon. Mountains foreshadowed the road ahead mysteriously, painted in a darker shade of navy than the star speckled-sky above both of you, and the road to the picnic area was long and windy, snaking out into a canopy of trees relaxedly.

"You'd never get anything like this in the city." you said in slight awe, hands slowly finding themselves crawling up to Dowoon's broad shoulders as you dared to hoist yourself up, breaking up from your posture a tad bit, and as you felt one of his curls brush past your wrists, he laughed his slow, deep laugh in response.

"You're cute. I had a friend that didn't live in Busan as a kid, and he lived in the more country area-he would probably protest if he heard what you just said..." His deep voice trailed off softly, seeming to follow the snaking nature of the concrete road ahead of you. "-Nevertheless, I'm happy we're here. It's nice to ride out here with someone."

His eyes, which had now stopped displaying the light of the sun to catch the glow of the moon, was still as warm as ever in the cold weather. With undeniable faith tinting the light that ringed his eyes, half opened submissively and bringing out the semi rosy tint in his bags, the carefree smile on his lips and the uplift of his cheeks resembling floating clouds didn't fail to bring you back in awe again; it was as if all laws of astronomy tailed after his presence, and followed in the footsteps of his unbreakable belief.

"You're really very beautiful." the words left your lips through an airy whisper, and you were too busy staring at him again to even notice what you said until Dowoon spoke up again.

"U-Um...Me? R-Really? Thanks, I guess..." his eyes bore a different spark to it as they drooped shyly, like a mimosa recoiling at someone's touch-and as the truth dawned onto you slowly, mixed feelings of embarrassment and self-blame kicked in a little too fast-you really, really wanted to kick yourself for saying that.

Trying to salvage the situation, you quickly spoke up upon seeing his tilted eyebrows and the embarrassment written on his face. "I-I didn't mean that in a weird way, I'm sorry, not that I don't love your looks-or not that I don't love you any less, i-it's just-" you stuttered awkwardly, brain stupidly failing you at this crucial moment-but being a nice guy, Dowoon just shook his head briefly.

With a small smile breaking onto his face, not fully suggestive; yet not fully chaste, he responded in awe, big eyes widening with more faith than before.

"No, no, please don't apologise, because..." Dowoon spoke with the smile of reuniting with someone again, overly excited to articulate his words properly, "B-Because, I-"

"Dowoon! What's taking you so long, can you drive faster? You're almost there already, hurry up!" Jaehyung's voice suddenly broke through the world that only both of you shared, halting the climax of the story. He and Younghyun were on a higher end of a cliff, where the destination was, and you could already see their hands waving vigorously in your direction. Jihyo and Chaewon had arrived too-you could see two figures with long hair sit on a big red mat.

"What was that you were going to say?" you asked, as the scooter started to move again; both of you had been so immersed in conversation that you hadn't even realised that Dowoon stopped the vehicle to talk.

However, contrary to what you thought he was going to say, Dowoon shook his head almost nonchalantly, losing a bit of the faith in his gaze as he looked down with baggy eyes of dejection.

He squeezed his lips into a textbook version of a smile and talked at a slower pace, this time more scarily composed than before. "I-It's nothing. I don't know if I'll have the courage to tell you again."

The entire trip to the cliff went downhill in a veil of awkward silence, both of you knowing full well in your hearts why such a thing had happened. Wind rocketed past your ears silently, blowing against your ears and hitting against your hair-as if coaxing you to speak, but right now, you didn't know if you had the courage to say anything to him when you had made him sad.

In less than a minute, the scooter had surfaced up the flatter parts of the cliff, and you decided that this was the best moment to speak up.

"I'm sorry if I made you sad or anything." you mumbled awkwardly, stepping out of the scooter and nearly losing your balance-having your feet on the ground after 2 whole hours seemed like a foreign concept to your legs right about now.

Dowoon shook a hand at you almost instantly. "You've made me more happy than I could ever imagine." he said unhesitantly, and this time, smiled at you with a more genuine smile. For a second, you could see the faith of the crescent moon resurface back on the ring of his eyes as he continued, "Just have fun tonight, that's all I ask for."

You nodded back, returning his smile; and with a new, strangely fluttering feeling in your heart you followed Dowoon to the picnic mat, where Jihyo and Chaewon were sitting, dressed in casual clothing-you felt slightly out of place, decked out in your sloppy, mud-speckled school uniform as you greeted them shyly, sitting yourself onto the mat. But thankfully, the girls initiated conversations well-definitely way better than you did, and within seconds, you hadn't even realised that Dowoon had slipped away to somewhere else.

"So, how's life after finals?" Jihyo asked cheerily, or rather, the way she usually talked; it wasn't rare to see that consistent, bright smile of hers plastered on her doll like face.

You didn't exactly know how to answer. "I don't really know. After school today I have that 4 month break that most have, so what happened after your break?" You started to laugh as you realised how you had redirected the topic back to them, and both of them started doing the same.

"Hmm-hahaha-I'd say that college life is still manageable, I've been doing it for about 2 months plus." Jihyo answered, failing to contain her laughter at one point as she squeezed her eyes together endearingly. "Chaewon is entering a polytechnic, so she has about 2 months more to break, same with Dowoon, Jaehyung and Younghyun want to go to a uni, so they're going to college too, but I don't know...like. I really don't know what I want in life yet..."

Her voice trailed off awkwardly, with the fading smear of her chirpy voice, and you couldn't help but relate. Sure, you had a subject combination and you had did pretty good in finals, but you didn't have a certain passion you would shirk everything to chase; not like many of the people in your class, who were already able to aim their arrows towards their target.

"It's okay. I'm sure you'll find it soon when the time arrives, I'm looking for what I want too." you said with empathy, and in response Jihyo nodded politely.

"I suppose."

All of you talked for a while longer, on less serious topics-occasionally breaking out in laughter when Jihyo came up with one of her silly, yet timely antics, and going soft hours when Chaewon showed all of you pictures of her labrador-it was a he, with a slender, healthy body and adorable marble eyes.

After a while of staring, you had only come to realise that the mahogany, soft brown shade of his fur was the same colour you saw, inked intricately in the depths of Dowoon's eyes.

Just then, there was a very coincidental, but hesitant tap on your shoulders.

"Can you come with me?" a low voice spoke up amidst the cooing over the dog, and you looked up, despite already recognising who it was.

This time, his gaze looked a little different; you couldn't help but feel slightly excited as you noticed the enigmatic sparkle that stood out amidst his gentle, brown eyes, taking his outstretched hand and standing up.

"Yoon Dowoon, I'm warning you, if you don't bring her back safely, we will tail after you with bats and split your head open." Jihyo suddenly spoke up with a glint in her big, doll eyes, voice cracking menacingly at the last line-and again, both of you laughed at her antics.

"Don't worry, I won't." he laughed awkwardly, voice faltering at the last line. You couldn't help but notice that Dowoon's cheeks were starting to heat up, but quickly ignored it when he gestured at you to follow him.

Contrary to what you thought it would be, the walk to the destination wasn't very long, unlike earlier on. From the angle of the picnic mat, a loudspeaker in the distance was clearly visible. Next to it were two other figures, Younghyun and Jaehyung-with a bass and electric guitar slung around their chests respectively.

Needlessly to say, you were shocked. "They can play those?" you exclaimed, and with a small nod, Dowoon chuckled gleefully, "Look to your left."

Without a moment of thought, you turned your head.

Cymbals, glinting on the cusp of its dully golden surface like the rings of Saturn, with two smaller drums and a large bass drum positioned at the bottom-it seemed like you were exaggerating, but...

"Dowoon, you can play that? " you cried out, faltering a little at the last word, but unlike how you had reacted, he just smiled like it wasn't that great of a feat to play the drums.

"Not just that, I'm going to play you a song." he responded triumphantly, as he approached the spinning chair behind it and sat down. A smug smile remained on his face unwaveringly as he bent down to pick up his drumsticks, humming a gentle tune between his lips-and you couldn't help but smile, wondering if that was the very song they were about to play.

"This is all for you by the way," Younghyun cut in, a malicious smirk playing on the sides of his lips as you turned to him, "-We have a school recital tomorrow, and we've practically practiced this song till we could play it with closed eyes-but our naughty youngest absolutely insisted on playing this instead of anything else, just because of his-"

"OKAY, OKAY, I think that's about enough." Dowoon shouted obnoxiously, with a slightly annoyed, slightly red look on his face, and everyone started to laugh.

"Take it away then, drummer boy." you said enthusiastically, remaining rooted to the ground in anticipation.

You definitely weren't ready for the moment he started to position those drumsticks of his.

As the guitar kicked off the song, while layered by the low consistency of the bass, you smiled unconsciously as you let the melody hum in your voice softly. It was in A major, a nice, steady rhythm; and more so when a string of clashes echoed from the cymbals, not too far away from where you were-before there was another silvery tap, followed up by what sounded like the rustle of leaves.

Then, as the melody descended down a few keys, Jaehyung rasped gently into the mic, like the soft blow of the night breeze surrounding you.

Every day I lived like I was dead But you

Became the reason For me to get up Once more You made me wanna open my eyes

In sync with the bass, your heart thumped against your chest-and you stared at Dowoon, who gave you a small smile, before going into a rapid flurry of beats yet again.

Just your smile alone Makes me breathe Because of you, I'm Better better Better baby Only your love Makes the frozen me Start to run again Higher higher Higher baby

The reason for all this looked back at you knowingly, with the same spark of faith spinning confidently in his eyes; as if he understood what he meant to you, and then, the night sky seemed to tear down from the face of the earth, and enclasp itself in the centre of his eyes.

I used to never wait for tomorrow But you Became the reason For me to take one more step Not too far ahead You held out your hand to me

Just your smile alone Makes me breathe Because of you, I'm Better better Better baby Only your love Makes the frozen me Start to run again Higher higher Higher baby The bass suddenly made no more sound, and soon, the music stopped with your heart.

"You must be confused now." Dowoon's low voice suddenly whispered at a distance awfully near where you were standing, and startling you; yet resonating so comfortingly in your ears while he spoke.

As he locked eyes with yours, the light promisingly dancing on the sides of his pupils held the lights of the stars in them-still the ones of a child, maybe even believing more than ever; and in all your awe you began to speak hastily, not knowing what to do.

"I-I don't know, I'm happy-and these words are what I've been meaning to say to you for the longest time, you mean a lot to me, and heck, I don't even know if I could have survived running without you, there's no way you could have known-"

"These words are the words I want to say to you too."

Your eyes widened as he said those words hopefully, taking your wrists-and all the signs of red surfacing across his cheeks, with the smiles that only he could have made you smile with; to the unsure, dull gaze you had seen at your first meeting, to the beautiful, starry sky you could barely fathom in the depth of his big, believing eyes.

"I wanted to drop by your school to visit, but I heard from your friends that you were hurting a lot today, so I didn’t end up going." he said quietly, now holding up the wrist with the thin, ugly scar zipped across it and kissing it; at that moment, you could barely believe the warmth that was withheld between every fibre in the soft, pillowy surface as Dowoon looked up at you again. "And I don't want to leave you like that again. Thank you for understanding me with that kind heart of yours, when I could barely have the willpower to train the batch, and bringing me so much happiness."

He paused for a bit, and as if his voice was a conductor, your breath halted simultaneously-before he opened his mouth again, and eagerly said the words that would change your life forever.

"I want to run with you forever."

You could barely contain yourself from crying again when the feelings gushed to your head, came raining down from your eyes as tears, and through all your emotions, you nodded vigorously.

"I want to do the same, Dowoon," you sniffed, barely stabilising yourself as you felt his callused hands land on your shoulders gently, holding you close to his chest, rising and falling in waves-he too, was crying; and you never wanted to leave that place again.

Just your smile alone Makes me breathe Because of you, I'm Better better Better baby Only your love Makes the frozen me Start to run again Higher higher Higher baby

From that day on, both of you ran not only across the running track in your school, but in the race of life, hand in hand-smiles being the breath in each other's lungs, and love being the reason to keep going.

Only your love could make the me who was stuck run again.

______________________

HECK THIS WAS SO CRINGEY AND CORNY IM SORRY ILL EDIT IT WHEN I HAVE TIME LOL!!! ugh I had sm fun tho lol Dowoon is really so precious and amazing aaaa ;;; also, I feel like I was only able to write this so well because of God, who plays the character of Dowoon and way more than that in my life-being the breath in my lungs and the reason to keep going, so really, all the glory be to Him, I have never wrote with such understanding of a concept like love and He really is so omnipresent and amazing in even everything I write even if I don't mention Him directly!!!

hehe I really like this story uwu its not the best and its way too long than it should have been but it will hold a special place in my heart!! to the anon that requested this I'm sorry if u expected a short read with a much more light hearted topic to 'cheering you up after a bad day at school' JHDSJKFHS HAHAHAHA gosh anyway I hope y'all enjoyed this if you even finished it, thanks for your support!! I'm writing this on my birthday so I gotta go sleep now, happy 2019 to everyone!

#admin n #day6 scenarios #yoon dowoon #better better #uwu

[tomhollandwritings]

protection ~ p.p.

synopsis: reader gets fed up with peter’s constant over protective attitude with her. 

based on the request: Hello 😊 Your writing is absolutely awesome and you're a very talented writer! I was hoping you maybe wanted to write something where the reader is Peter Parker's girlfriend and she know that he's Spider-Man Peter is being very overprotective, since he doesn't want to bring her in any danger. The reader gets fed up by Peter constantly looking out for her and not letting her do anything Which then results in a huge fight, but hopefully ends well?:) Thank you so much if you write it❤️

a/n: Aww thank you so much flower, sorry this took so long to post but hopefully you’ll enjoy it either way. Also I know the first part of this is a little choppy and pretty redundant but I didn’t think I could jump right into the storyline without a little bit of introductory bullshit. OH well!! xoxo

masterlist

-

Peter reached over, lightly poking your arm with the tip of his pencil from his spot beside you at your lab table.

“Ow,” you mumbled, peeking up at him from your notebook of physics notes, your pen pausing mid-word. “What do you want?” 

Peter had been bothering you all class and had been acting clingy all day, and your physics teacher wasn’t making it any better for you by giving your class “free hour” wherein Peter had the full ability to poke at you, tickle you, whine at you and throw notes at you from his seat.

“I miss you,” he whined quietly, careful not to catch the attention of the teacher, before slowly tapping the eraser end of his pencil on your forearm.

“That tickles.” You giggle. You reach out to grab Peter’s pencil out of his hand but he catches your wrist before you can and yanks you over to him, your rolling chair squeaking as its wheels collided with Peter’s.

Your boyfriend laughed excitedly at your closeness, causing you to laugh quietly alongside him. He held your hands up and kissed them gently, smiling widely at you.

“What’s up with you today?” You asked, squeezing his hands.

“I dunno.” Peter shrugged. “I just miss being close to you. I’ve been so caught up lately with… well, you know.”

You did know. Peter was referring to his Spidermanly duties, which lately had begun taking up more and more of his time. You thought it was amazing that he was Spiderman, but he had a tendency of late to treat you as though you were some weird baby who was fully incapable of taking care of yourself.

It was clearly out of love, but you were a fairly independent and confident person and you didn’t need Peter following you around and watching your every move.

“Yeah.” You responded softly, looking down and absently playing with his fingers.

Peter leaned over and pressed a long kiss to your forehead before poking you gently in the stomach.

“I’m just doing it to keep you safe.”

You grabbed his hands.

“Stop,” you giggled. “I don't wanna get in trouble.”

“We won’t.” Peter responded confidently before leaning in to kiss you.

-

You hummed quietly to yourself as you hung upside down off of Peter’s bed, watching him as he worked on his web formula at his desk a few feet away. You were mindlessly scrolling through your Instagram on your phone, simply enjoying a peaceful evening with your boyfriend.

Suddenly your phone buzzed in your hands, signalling that you’d gotten a text. It was from your friend reminding you about her sister’s birthday party the following night.

“Shit.” You murmured. You had completely forgotten, and you generally weren’t a fan of going out to parties. You and Peter were similar in that sense. Neither of you were wildly popular, and you tended to keep yourselves in the confines of your small friend group along with MJ and Ned, spending most weekends eating pizza and playing video games at one of your houses.

“What is it babe?” Peter asked absentmindedly, fiddling with something in a test tube.

“Ugh, nothing.” You responded, sitting up slowly. “I just totally forgot Sarah’s birthday tomorrow night.”

“Oh,” Peter replied cautiously, slowly putting the test tube down and swivelling in his chair to face you. “when is it?”

“Uh, not sure,” You trailed off and looked down at your phone and scanned the text. “late, it starts at 10.”

“10 PM?” He asked incredulously.

“Yes, Peter.” You snorted, crossing your legs. “Sarah would never have a party at 10 in the morning.” You laughed at the thought of it. Sarah was a notorious party girl, and Peter knew that.

“Will you be out late, do you think?” He asked. “And how will you get home?”

You looked at him suspiciously. “I don't know, I guess I’ll cab?”

“Cab? That late? Are you crazy?”

“Peter,” you warned. “don’t freak out.”

“Y/N, you don’t understand the kind of danger out there. I see it every single day when I’m Spiderman!” He exclaimed.

“Peter, it’s a party.” You replied, exasperated. “I’m not going into a dark alleyway and waving a wad of cash around or something.” Peter sighed loudly, rubbing his hands over his face.

“I just don’t want you getting hurt. You don’t get what it’s like.” “I get that, Peter. I just… You have to let me experience things. I don’t need your constant protection!” You huffed, standing up from his bed. “I can take care of myself.”

Peter scoffed quietly, shaking his head and crossing his arms. You raised your eyebrows, mimicking him and crossing your arms defensively.

“What, you don’t think I can take care of myself?”

“I don’t want you to go to that party.” He replied coldly, ignoring your previous question.

“I don’t care what you want.” You replied angrily. You were raising your voice, and you knew May was surely eavesdropping from the kitchen, but you couldn’t help yourself. “Just because you’re my boyfriend doesn’t mean you can control me, or… or tell me what to do!” You sputtered.

“Y/N…”

“No! I get that you’re a big hotshot superhero, whatever.” You exclaimed, throwing your arms in the air. “But I am more than capable of taking care of myself. This overprotective shit is getting really old, Peter.”

“I’m just trying to protect you! For God’s sake Y/N, sorry for being in love with you, I guess.” He yelled back.

You and Peter both froze, realizing simultaneously what he had just admitted. You stared at each other for what felt like ten minutes, your faces almost identical in shocked expressions.

“You…” You tried hard to get the words out but it felt like they were caught in your throat, and you were forcing yourself to push them out. “In love?”

“Y/N, I didn’t… I just meant…” Peter was stuttering now, his face slowly flushing deep red, and you felt your anger quickly dissipating.

“You’re in love with me?” You finally managed to choke out.

Peter stared down at the ground for a beat before looking up at you, his face now calm.

“Yes.” He responded, his voice no longer wavering. You could feel your heart beating a hundred miles a second, and you were sure Peter could probably see it pounding in your chest, even through the thick material of his borrowed Midtown Science sweatshirt.

“I…”

“Please, Y/N, don’t feel like you have to say it back. I didn't even mean to say it yet, I was waiting for the right time and it just kind of came out.” He was talking quickly and urgently now.

“Peter, shut up.” You finally exclaimed. He stopped mid-sentence, mouth open, staring at you. You couldn’t help but smile softly at his red cheeks, his dorky science pun t-shirt, and his protective goggles now pushed up and back over his messy hair.

You slowly walked towards him and he stood up, swallowing nervously.

“Peter…” You said softly. “I am hopelessly, irreversibly, painfully in love with you.”

His nervous face relaxed slightly, and you reached up, still smiling to smooth out his seemingly always slightly out of place eyebrow.

He stepped forward as you looked up at him and cupped your face in his hands, looking down intensely into your eyes before leaning down and kissing you sweetly.

It was so filled with passion and emotion and you closed your eyes, leaning back slightly as he pushed closer to you.

You grabbed onto his t-shirt and held tightly so as to not fall, but you soon felt Peter’s hands move from your cheeks to your waist, sliding his hands around under your sweater and to the small of your back, pulling you flush against him. You moaned in surprise, making him smile. He pulled back, only a few inches at most, and rested his forehead on yours.  

You were both breathing hard, and you scanned his expression. He looked serene, and you felt love surging through you for the boy standing in front of you, his cool hands on your hot skin and his breath warm and minty on your cheek.

“So fucking in love with you,” he murmured softly, running his fingers down your back and up again. You shivered, sliding your arms further around his neck and pulling him down close to you before kissing him again.

#peter parker #peter parker imagine #peter parker fan fic #peter parker fan fiction #peter parker x reader #tom holland peter parker #spiderman #tom holland spiderman #peter parker gif #spiderman gif #spiderman hoco #spiderman imagine #spiderman homecoming #spiderman fan fic #spiderman x reader #marvel #marvel fan fiction #marvel imagine #mcu #tom holland #tom holland imagine #peter parker smut #tom holland smut #tom holland fan fic #tom holland gif #tom holland interview #tom holland x reader

[scripttorture]

So a bit back you said something about affects of solitary confinement and how victims often had issues recognizing everyday objects. Could you talk a bit more about that? How could that aspect be portrayed well in writing? Thanks for the help!

 Ah, no, sorry but I think you’vegotten the wrong end of the stick.

Sensory deprivation cancause victims to lose the ability to recognise everyday objects (I Cobain calls this ‘severe prosopagnosia’ but this usually refers to inability to recognise faces, which the victims also suffered from).

Solitary confinementcan not.

They’re both extremebut they’re different. Sensory deprivation requires a special set up thatrestricts or masks at least four senses. Solitary confinement just requires aroom.

With prolonged solitaryconfinement and/or victims with pre-existing mental health problems, solitarycan cause hallucinations and psychosis. However these are not the most commonsymptoms. Youcan find a full list of symptoms, both physical and psychological, here.

Sensorydeprivation…well it’s something I advise writers to avoid for a few reasons.

It’s incredibly, almostuniquely, damaging. A realistic and respectful depiction of victims would, Ithink, be extremely difficult to write. Not impossible by any means, but very very difficult. 

Fiction generally does a pretty poorjob of respectfully depicting disability. The kind of multiple disabilitiessensory deprivation causes- well essentially I’ve never seen a good portrayalof mental health problems that severe.

A character who’dsurvived this for the extreme length of time we’re talking about would be incapable of doing a great many ordinary things. They’dneed a carer and would probably be in some sort of institution. That makes itdifficult to produce a plot which focuses on the victim. I personally don’tlike the idea of torture victims being relegated to the side lines; I thinkthis often risks stepping into rather unfortunate tropes.

I am not saying thatwriting a plot focusing on such a character would be impossible. But I think itwould be difficult and most of the asks I get about sensory deprivation seem towant the victim to come out of their ordeal capable of functioning in societywith some independence. In which case sensory deprivation is not a realistictechnique to use.

The technique itselfhas rarely been used in real life.The real victims were a small number of American mental health patientsinvolved in unethical, unconsensual experiments. There have been no cases that meet the legal definition torture using sensory deprivation.

Over-use of such a rareform of abuse in fiction teaches thepublic that this is what torture is like. That in turn makes it moredifficult for victims to share their stories and gain support.

I prefer to encouragereaders to write about torture techniques that were/are in regular use in theirsetting. In fantasy and sci fi I try to connect the setting to real world timesand places and suggest torture techniques that were used then.

Sensory deprivation, inmy opinion, feeds into stereotypes about torture being ‘high tech’ or‘scientific’, when the vast majority of torture is about as high tech as beinghit with a wooden plank.

And the final bigproblem with using sensory deprivation is that because it’s so rare we don’t have good information on it.

A lot of data isessentially the research notes of Dr E Cameron, the man who subjected severalmental health patients in his care to sensory deprivation in the hope of‘re-writing’ their personalities. The research was extremely poorly conducted. There are (so far as I know) no patientinterviews.

There was some work done by Dr Baldwin (who usedpeople who did not consent in his experiments) and ethical experiments using volunteers conducted by Drs Lily andHebb.

The work done by Lilyand Hebb is actually very very good, but it doesn’t by its nature talk about the more extreme lengths of time andextreme symptoms sensory deprivation can cause. Most people in Lily’s ‘tank’stayed inside for 4 hours. No one stayed in Hebb’s ‘box’ longer than six days.

Cameron kept a womanknown as ‘Mary C’ in a similar box for 35days. Most people can only voluntarily stay in one of these devices for 24 hours or less.

The result is thatwhile I can list symptoms for the more extreme time periods (ie a week ormore in box-like structures), such as the memory loss most of these people suffered and losing the abilityto recognise faces and ordinary objects which affected at least two of them*, I can’t sayfor certain how these symptoms manifested or affected Cameron’s victims intheir daily lives.

I know that they spentthe rest of their lives in care homes. Several years later other researcherspublished a further paper on them, which essentially said that none of them hadrecovered and the damage Cameron caused seemed more extensive than previouslythought.

The patients themselvesare anonymous.

If you really do want towrite about them, or a fictional character who undergoes something similar thenI think the level of research you’d need in order to portray them realisticallyand respectfully would be something like a doctoral thesis. I think you’d needto track down the doctors who had contact with them and if possible thepatients themselves and their families.

I think, essentially, aproject like that would be something akin to ‘The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks’.

It would take years.

Because at the moment I’m just not sure that a good nonfiction source which covers all the relevant information and focuses on the victims exists. And I think that to capture that experience the most important and useful thing is to listen to what the victims themselves have to say. Without their voices it’s very easy to misrepresent them. 

Unfortunately we’re talking about a group of people who are voiceless. For me respecting the victims means remembering what they say when I write. If I can’t find a simple resource then my instinct is to read around the topic and create my own library, my own resource. 

If that’s a project youwant to take on, for your writing or out of interest, then these are the bestsources on sensory deprivation I know of. And I sincerely wish you the best of luck.

The Search for the Manchurian Candidate,J Marks, Norton Co 1991

The Mind Manipulators, A Scheflin E Opton,1978 (I haven’t read either of these books yet, so far as I can tell from sources that cite them they cover sensory deprivation in a general way but do not focus on the victims)

A Textbook of Psychology, D Hebb 1966, 2nded

‘Effects of Decreased Variation in the Sensory Environment’ W HBexton, W Heron, T H Scott, CanadianJournal of Psychology 1954, 70-76

‘Production of Differential Amnesia as a Factor in the Treatment ofSchizophrenia’ D E Cameron, ComprehensivePsychiatry 1960

‘Effects of Repetition of Verbal Signals upon the Behaviourof Chronic Psychoneurotic Patients’ D E Cameron, L Levy,L Rubenstein, Journal of Mental Science1960

*Some of the patientssued the CIA and Canadian government over these experiments but that does notnecessarily indicate that more victims didn’t experience these symptoms.

Edit: In response to comment, yes I think prosopagonsia does generally refer to being unable to recognise faces. I took the term from I Cobain (Cruel Britannia) in his summary of case Cameron’s victims raised against the Canadian government and CIA. The victims were unable to recognise everyday objects and faces, something Rejali confirms. Cobain’s use of prosopagonsia might wlel be incorrect though, so thank you for pulling that up, I’ll edit the main text to reflect that.

Disclaimer

#tw torture #sensory deprivation #solitary confinement #effects of sensory deprivation #Cameron #Hebb #Lily #sources #the-penn-dragon

[waitingfortherightpartner]

Meant to Be (Part Three)

Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3

Based on Anonymous Prompt: The reader is a SHIELD agent and later Avenger. After a while of dancing around each other, she and Steve are couple but few months later they break up becasue it didn’t work (but they stay close friends please). After a while Steve falls for Sharon and reader falls for Bucky who loved her since he first met her (but he didn’t do enything because she was with Steve). And Steve and Sharon (who are couple now) try to matchmake reader and Bucky because Cap sees they are perfect for each other

A/N: OH MY GOSH I am literally the worst.  I didn’t realize how long it’s been since I’ve written, so I’m sorry to you lovely people who wanted to be tagged in this story that I have utterly neglected.  I also missed Bucky’s birthday, which I haven’t quite forgiven myself for.  Anyway, this is the last part of the story, so I hope y’all enjoy.  As I say every time, I’m going to try to write more regularly, but I clearly shouldn’t be making promises.  Love y’all.

Tagging @pleasecallmecaptain @mattymattymerduck @writingbarnes @kissofvenom922 @b-orderline @shamvictoria11 @callingmrsbarnes @barnes-and-noble-girlcoley0823 @redstarstan @badassbaker @phoebe-21-99 @marvelgoateecollection @palaiasaurus64

-

Buzz.  Buzz.  

You glance down as your phone vibrates for the third time in the past three minutes, resisting the urge to roll your eyes.

“Sorry,” you say, muting the phone and turning your attention back to Steve, who’s in the middle of debriefing you.  

“It’s fine,” he says, and you sigh as his gaze shifts, his eyes softening from Cap-mode to best friend-mode.  “What’s up?”

“Nothing,” you lie.  “Let’s finish this briefing so I can get some sleep.”

“The briefing’s over,” Steve says quickly.  “What’s wrong?”

“You’re persistent, aren’t you?” you snark.

“And you’re not answering the question,” Steve replies.

“It’s just the guy from the bar,” you sigh.  “No big deal.”

“What’s going on with him?” Steve asks.  “Are you dating?  Are you going to see him again?”

“I don’t know, probably not,” you admit.  “That’s him, texting.  He’s just a bit much, you know?  A little too overbearing.  Like some people I know.”  You glare pointedly at Steve.

“You know who’s not overbearing?” Steve grins.  “Bucky.  You know who you’d be great with?  Bucky.”

“Bucky's not interested,” you say flatly.  “If there’s nothing else, I’m gonna head home.”

You move to walk past Steve but he easily blocks you.  You shake your head and turn to the stairwell next to you, darting in before Steve can react.  You shuffle down the stairs quickly, getting out on the next floor and heading to the elevator.

The doors ding open and you groan at the sight of Steve, smirking at you.  

“Steve, it’s been a long day,” you say, getting into the elevator next to him.  “If it’s all the same to you, I’d rather not do this.”

“Bucky is very interested in you,” Steve says, ignoring your request.  “Why would you even think he isn’t?”

“I thought we were having a great conversation at dinner the other night,” you say.  “But then when the opportunity came to get rid of me, he practically shoved me across the room to go talk to the other guy.”

“That’s not what that was,” Steve says.

“Ah, right,” you say sarcastically.  “I forgot, there’s this thing that people do when they’re attracted to someone where they go out of their way to force them to talk to other people.”

“He doesn’t think he’s good enough for you,” Steve says.  

“Not good enough for me?” you snort.  “How about I’m not good enough for him?  Have you ever seen him?”

“I have,” Steve says, rolling his eyes.  “But that’s not the point.”

“What exactly is the point?” you ask.  “I have a date with my bed and my pillow and you’re keeping me from them both.”

“My point is that you are both crazy about each other,” Steve insists.  “But you’re both too scared to do anything about it.”

“I bet you 500 million trillion dollars you’re wrong,” you say.

“That’s a lot of money,” Steve replies.  “How are you going to pay me when you’re wrong?”

“I’m not wrong, so I’m not going to have to pay you,” you say.  The elevator mercifully reaches the ground floor and you step out.  “Good night, Steve.”

“It’s money-where-your-mouth-is time,” Steve calls after you and you stop in your tracks.  The two of you both know that you are physically incapable of backing down from any bet when challenged.

“Damn it, Rogers,” you say, resorting to his last name.  “I need to sleep.”

“You’re welcome to back out,” Steve taunts.

“We both know that’s not an option,” you reply.  “What did you have in mind?”

"We’re going to Bucky’s apartment,” Steve says.  “You can ask him for yourself.  In the unlikely event that you’re right, I’ll fill out all of our joint field reports for the next month.”

“Make that the next six months,” you say.

“Fine,” Steve says.  “Six months.”

“You’re awfully cocky,” you say.  “What do you get if you win?”

“The joy of seeing my two idiot friends making each other happy,” Steve says and you punch him in the arm.

“Have fun with the field reports,” you grin.  “Let’s get going.”  

The two of you hop on Steve’s motorcycle and tear through the city, quickly reaching a small apartment building.

“Number 387,” Steve says and you bound up the stairs, knocking on the apartment in question.

A pajama-outfitted Bucky opens the door, his shock apparent as his eyes widen.

“(Y/N),” he says and you do your best to ignore the butterflies that seem to spontaneously appear in your stomach, fluttering rapidly at the sound of his gravelly voice.

“Bucky,” you say, struggling to keep your voice even.  “Settle a bet for me and Steve?”

“What?”  Steve appears on the stairwell behind you, slowly trudging upwards, furthering Bucky’s confusion.

“A bet,” you repeat.  “Steve and I have a bet.”

“And you drove all the way to my apartment at 11 pm just to settle it?” Bucky grins.  “Sounds like some shit that I would do.”

“Well I just got back from a mission and I haven’t slept in more than 48 hours, so I honestly just thought what the hell,” you say.  

“Jesus, (Y/N),” Bucky says.  “Are you okay?  Do you want to sit down or something?”

“No, I want to settle this stupid bet so Steve can start on the six months of field reports that I’ve been promised,” you say.

“You’d probably have to tell him the question first,” Steve inserts and you roll your eyes for what feels like the trillionth time.

“Do you have a thing for me?” you ask and it’s like time freezes.  You see Bucky’s eyes widen just a fraction, the way his mouth twitches and the slightest flush of his cheeks before he’s able to steel his expression.  But that microsecond of a reaction is enough to tell you what Steve had been insisting for the past hour.

“What?” Bucky asks, his tone effortlessly nonchalant.

“Shit,” you say, turning back to Steve.  “Having you do that paperwork would’ve been really nice.”

“This’ll be better,” Steve grins, leaning forward and kissing your forehead.  See you tomorrow, (Y/N).”  Steve retreats down the stairs, giving you a genuine smile.

“What?” Bucky repeats again and you remember the reason you’re there in the first place.

“I asked if you have a thing for me,” you say, taking a deep breath as you find the courage to finish the sentence.  “Because I kind of have a giant crush on you.”

“What?” Bucky says again and you sigh, leaning against the door frame as all of your fatigue suddenly sets in.

“I really like you,” you say.  “Potentially love you.  But that’s going to have to be a discussion topic for another time, because I’m about to fall asleep and I need your couch pronto.  Or your bed.  Whatever you’re comfortable with.”

Bucky immediately reaches for you and before you know it, you’re in his arms, being gently carried into his apartment.  He weaves through the doorways until you’re being gingerly laid down on top of his bed.  He carefully unlaces your boots and puts them on the ground, tucking the sheets and comforter over you. 

You lightly pat the bed next to you and Bucky gets the idea, sliding in next to you.

“I’m really sorry,” you whisper.  “This is happening at the most inconvenient time, because I’m probably going to be asleep in thirty seconds.  Also, thanks for letting me crash here.”

“It’s fine and you’re welcome,” Bucky says, laying stiffly next to you.  A pang of horror hits you and you wince at the thought.

“Please tell me I didn’t read this situation horribly wrong,” you say.

“What?” Bucky asks again.  

“Well you’re not saying anything, and this is all based on my assumptions and Steve’s shitty advice,” you say.  “So I just want to make sure that we’re good.”

“Oh!” Bucky says and you can’t help but smile.  “No, I’m fine, we’re fine.  I’m just...processing.”

“Okay,” you say uncertainly.  “Um, well...to be continued tomorrow morning, I guess.  Good night?”

“Good night,” Bucky says and your eyes close as you try to calm your racing mind.  “(Y/N)?”

“Yes?” you ask, still mentally trying to figure out what’s happening.  

“For the record, I kind of love you too.”

#bucky barnes #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes fic #bucky barnes fanfiction #bucky barnes imagine #marvel fanfiction #marvel #marvel fic #marvel imagine

[wanjeokhaeseo]

better better 💛 🐻 🍯

너의 그 사랑만이 멈춰있던 날 다시 뛰게 해.

[ Only your love could make the me who was stuck run again. ]

blog navigator.

day6 masterlist

TW: if you squint, there’s very mild mentions of child abuse, physical and verbal

↪ group: DAY6

↪ member: Yoon Dowoon

↪ genre: idk its not really fluff either, (IM SORRY ANON IT GETS VERY FLUFFY AT THE END) but its 90 percent angst free LOL ??? this story is too out of the ordinary to categorise lol ☀️

↪ request: hey admin n! can i have a fluffy day6 dowoon scenario where he cheers you up from a bad day in school? thank you!

↪ A/N: I really wanted to write something for Dowoon, thank you so much, anon who requested this!! I somehow thought of the spiritual love I receive everyday from God (I’m christian to all of y'all who dk, haha) so I think this story will hold a special place in my heart!!! also, the story plot is largely inspired by one of the characters in the story by 九把刀 - 等一个人咖啡，so if u understand Chinese please give it a read, its a nice story uwuwuwuuwwu

edit i am SO SORRY THIS WAS WAY LONGER THAN IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN LIKE the word count will probably be like idk 8000 by the time i finished this when u requested for a scenario lolz i got way too invested I apologise…I wrote almost everyday for a whole week I regret getting carried away oh my gosh, but I hope you enjoy this, I really worked very hard on this!!!

ps im sorry if jihyo is ooc, never written nor know twice well but id say I’m a fan of their music hehe

______________________________________

It was about 7AM in the morning when all of your batch gathered around at the assembly place in your school, and between occasional yawns that slipped off your mouth (thanks, end of year exams), you and your friends were talking about the happenings of yesterday as you walked there, laughter often breaking out in your little group when there were bits of humour in the story.

You all made your way down the stairs and into the assembly grounds, resembling a large, aquamarine blue quilt that took up an obnoxious part of the school-where the netball competitions and other important events were held.

Seemingly following suit with the shade of blue on the ground, the lack of sun in the morning painted everything with a small hint of lighter, sky blue itself, such that it all looked like one entity but distinctive in its own individual colours.

Realising this with your own dark ringed, half opened eyes, you couldn’t help but feel the ends of your lips angle up slowly-the world was so beautiful, you couldn’t help but think as you knelt down to sit onto the rugged surface of the big, enveloping area-whoever had created it for all its small but still amazing features was exceptionally genius.

As your eyes scattered around the place, still immersed in a world of your own-a shrill screech of a whistle pulled you back to the boredom of school life, and with a slight, but petty annoyance you shifted your back to face the PE teacher who had just walked over, and subsequently, so did the other students around you.

He stood in front of your whole batch, clad in a black, torso hugging sports shirt and fluorescent pink shorts-which immediately, triggered a few giggles for your batch, but the spoilsport of a whistle just had to ruin the fun again, motioning for everyone else to shut up.

You sighed when you saw the creases in his forehead, and the unmistakeable hint of a frown on his tan, oval face-this was not going to be too good of a day.

You just hoped that he wasn’t going to make all of you do 4 rounds around the school today. Running, needlessly to say really was not something a person like you liked to do-sweat all over your face, springing pimples on your face, grasping for breath and literally collapsing in front of the whole class like a dead fish because of how energy deprived you were? You were going to pass, thanks.

“Now, class!” his low baritone rasped out to the class, carrying a strong sense of dominance in it like he was speaking to a platoon in the army, “We have a group of alumni today, coming back to visit and help all of you train for your Physical Education Examinations next year.” At that, his outstretched wrists flicked backwards loosely, gesturing for the alumni to come, and he continued again, “They are alumni that were our top students from last year, and did exceptionally well. They have all took time out of their 4 month break after examinations to train all of you, so please be nice, and don’t be so unruly.”

As soon as he had said that, the class started breaking out into applause as the five students stepped into everyone’s field of vision.

Your eyes widened when you saw the bones, standing out like rocks in the their toned, fit arm and leg muscles-even the girls’ thighs that was supposedly, the most unattractive part of everyone’s body had ‘walls’ lining their lean, hourglass figure. Confident smiles were plastered to most of their faces, with a few tired exceptions-heck, one even had a smirk playing on their face as he scanned the class below him.

Inwardly, as you heard the laughs of the alumni that had aroused from the awing of their juniors below them, you couldn’t help but shudder inside-there was no, freaking way that you were going to look like that after training with them.

You didn’t want to, anyway-that meant rigorous hours of training and stitches 'basking’ under the unhelpful, boiling cover of the sun.

Just then, as you were contemplating the choices of schools you were going to transfer to to abstain from the torture that was soon to come, the guy with the playful smirk on his face had already grabbed a microphone, and was preparing to speak. Translucent frames for glasses hid his small, almost demure but yet somehow condescending eyes-you weren’t getting that great of a vibe from him.

“Hello, Class 3D9, I am your senior, Park Jaehyung, and I’m here to train all of you for the exams, since all of you don’t seem that excited for it, judging by your expressions.” His features softened considerably from a look of mirth to one of gaiety as he started to speak in a 'half air half voice’ kind of way-rasping yet not quite, and you rolled your eyes.

It wasn’t really that you disliked him much, but you could already picture him being the heartthrob of the girls in class-the gleam in their previously irritant, but now smitten eyes was so undeniably revolting.

They all nodded furiously at the last sentence, and he began to laugh a bit (attracting more squeals from the girls, much to your dismay) before speaking again, this time with the narrow of an eyebrow and a more serious, raised voice. “I know all of you might be thinking that this is very pointless, and stupid. I know. None of you really want to be an athlete in the future, and I understand. But I really hope all of you can treat this seriously, because health in the long run is really very important, and I want all of you to take not only the PE finals but the entrance exam to college confidently, and healthily. Are all of you with me?”

Like how any motivational speaker would have done, there was an applied pressure at the last line, and soon, a long, unenthusiastic 'yes’ drawled out of everyone’s barely parted mouth.

You snickered a bit at the frown on Jaehyung’s face when he heard it-he really should have known beforehand, that encouraging a class didn’t consist of just one pathetic speech, and you started to doubt if he had really been from this school.

Let’s face it, motivation really wasn’t this generation’s thing.

“Are all of you with me!” he rasped again, this time yelling into the microphone obnoxiously and poking a hole in your eardrums.

“YES!” the class shouted with increased volume to appease him.

Just please, don’t shout into the microphone again, you whimpered inwardly.

At this, Jaehyung looked more or less satisfied (thank God), and with the small hint of a smile, he passed over the microphone to another guy, whose eyes first caught your own. They were delicately angled into the eyes of a fox, emanating a half elegant aura that still seemed to hint 'Let’s have fun, everyone!’ They fell into small crescents when he started to laugh at Jaehyung’s incapabilities to lead the class, and the circles in his lean, rosy cheek bones spelt attractiveness at its finest.

With a sweet smile on his face, he held up the microphone to his mouth and started to talk. “Morning, class! Sorry if Jaehyung sounds like a bit of a drag. I know he has that student leader aura, but you can’t blame him, he’s always been burying his face in a book during recess-HEY!” The class, including him, started to erupt into waves of giggles when Jaehyung flicked his forehead, a faux anger playing on his arched eyebrows and widened, now not so small eyes. “FINE, fine, I’ll stop! Anyway, hello Class 3D9, this is your cooler senior, Kang Younghyun, and I hope to train all of you to success in the exams. Thank you!” Younghyun proceeded to bow with the shy lift of his eyebrows, and everyone clapped.

“His real name is actually Brian, please ignore him.” Jaehyung added in with a wink, earning a loud slap on the shoulder from Younghyun (with a subsequent yelp from himself) and more laughter from the juniors, yourself included. Your seniors seemed pretty chill and friendly, not like how you thought they would be.

But sadly, as they were supposedly goofing around too much, the PE teacher blew that stupid, ear-wrenching whistle of his, causing you to jump up in shock again. “Okay boys, lets finish this up quickly.” he said curtly, strict gaze fleeting past the two boys and causing their playful charm to melt like ice in front of him.

As Jaehyung and Younghyun simultaneously did a long, 90 degree bow, mouthing 'sorry’ repeatedly, you and quite a good majority of your other classmates sighed, inwardly feeling a tad deflated-looks like the rest of the introduction wasn’t going to be that fun after all.

The introduction seemed to move past like rusted cogs, at least for just one part of it-the first girl who had greeted all of you sported two round, neat buns at the sides of her hair, complimenting her big, double lidded eyes and her elegantly curved, brightly smiling lips. The corners of her eyes bore a small fragment of the brighter sky above her, gleaming with confidence as she bowed politely, introducing herself to everyone in a more reserved way than the other two. Her name was Park Jihyo, and she had been in dance-which was quite a great feat, since dance was a niche co-curricular activity in your school, but not surprising at the same time, looking at her beautiful figure and slender, well toned arms.

As she talked, she slipped a few jokes there and then mid-conversation, not too much that the PE teacher had to cut in, but attempting to keep the class’ attention on her afloat. Jihyo had an unmistakeable pleasant aura that seemed to infect everyone with her laugh, and from the bottom of your heart, you really wanted to befriend her-someone approachable and easy to talk to.

There was another girl next to her who was called Chaewon, with demure, yet youthful brown eyes and a serene smile. Similarly, she too was very friendly and talked with a very laid-back tone-but the problem was, that she talked a lot.

You didn’t really mind it much when people talked a lot, but when they overdid it, it got kind of…boring.

Seemingly one hour later, your eyes struggled to remain parted mid-sentence as she went into a trite monologue about how grateful she was to stand here. By the time she was done you felt fatigue wrap around your head like a snake, till a deeper voice was suddenly amplified into the mic.

“H-Hello, I’m Yoon Dowoon, and-”

“I ate ants as a kindergartener.” Jaehyung’s unmistakeable airy voice cut in annoyingly, causing Dowoon’s face to flush a big, rosy red whilst all of you chortled with a louder, more extreme laughter than before-and instantly, you became alive again as the mental image of a small boy swallowing the poor insect with the brightest smile sent you rolling onto the floor.

“He even gave a whole box to his teacher.” came a rather unhelpful snicker from Younghyun, further fuelling the laughter and the blush on Dowoon’s face.

You couldn’t help but admit, that he was sort of cute when he was embarrassed, though-Dowoon had the small, but believing eyes of a child, with two pretty, but not 'big enough that it protruded’ kind of bags attached below them delicately. The gentle up curve of the sides of his big button nose was really attractive, and he had semi-big lips that pouted out like the small petals of a daisy.

Seeing Jaehyung’s joking, almost condescending smirk resurface onto his face and look down onto Dowoon’s expressionless eyes, which now refused to concentrate on anywhere but the floor was maybe, just maybe-sort of sad.

Unlike Jihyo, you couldn’t see even a small fragment of the sky in his eyes-it was as if someone had just painted his eyes brown and decided it would stay that way for the rest of the day.

Dowoon was too embarrassed to do anything else, and without even looking up, he passed the microphone to the PE teacher, whose nonchalant expressions didn’t seem to care much either.

Inside, a pang of guilt rose up to your chest, and you unconsciously started to frown along with him as you noticed how uncomfortable his hardened features had looked, amongst all the giggles thrusting through his gentle heart.

Being known by 'the guy who ate ants as a kindergartener’ to everyone, instead of who he really was mustn’t have been a very nice feeling, especially to his juniors-who was supposed to look at him as a superior and a leader figure.

Just as you were debating on whether or not to ask them to stop, a scream broke out through the assembly grounds, shutting everyone up with a magic swipe of its hand.

Of course, it had to be the stupid whistle.

“Are we here to joke, or train? Get up, all of you! We’re going to run today.” the PE teacher’s obnoxiously booming, demanding voice rang into everyone’s ears unpleasantly, the catalyst to the small groans of dismay breaking out amidst the class that was already preparing to stand and walk to the field.

“Can you believe he actually did that?” your friends approached you in a fit of giggles as all of you approached the running track, with a new topic to revolve your conversation around.

Just that, this time, you didn’t really want to join in.

It wasn’t the best of days after all, you thought with a small hang up in the side of your chest. Out of all things, after seeing a poor boy getting bullied by his own friends, you had to do the stupid 4 rounds that all of you did practically every week.

As you braced yourself painfully for the sweating and fatigue that was to come, taking your rightful place behind the white tape attached to the floor marking the starting point- an unusually low cough brushed by your ears briefly, and instinctively, you whirled around.

You saw the big, believing eyes of a child again as you did so-it was Dowoon, and to your surprise, those eyes noticed your gaze and looked back.

Crap, he’s really, very cute. you could feel your head lose some of its gravity and your heartbeat accelerating as he proceeded to smile after, the lift of his plump, daisy lips showing off his round, marshmallow-like cheeks.

“You okay?” his deep voice asked you gently, and you nodded with a small laugh, realising how much of a mess you must have looked in front of him for him to ask such a question.

“I should be the one asking you that. I’m sorry for laughing at you earlier.”

With that, his smile angled further into a laugh of his own, and Dowoon replied, “It’s okay. I’m used to it already.”

You could already feel your forehead crease in slight disbelief, as you stared at the sheepish falter in his smile and recalled how unhappy he was earlier on.

“That’s not true-”

BEEP!

The PE teacher’s whistle had already gone off, and Dowoon, much to a top runner’s expectations, was already speeding far ahead of you with a steady, confident pace as his brown curls bounced gently under the force of his movements.

Looking at nowhere but the front, he looked determined to finish what he had started-something you could probably only dream of having.

“What’s taking you so long? Hurry up!” the PE teacher yelled at you, averting your attention away from your senior and back to your miserable plight.

You sighed with a slightly defeated energy, giving him a perfunctory nod as you too, began to move towards the finish line.

That is, if you could even make it.

As you ran, you made a mental note to never use that stupid whistle ever again.

________________________________________________

31st December, 2018.

“Se-second place in class? No way, you must have heard wrongly. Second place girls-wise, maybe…” you insisted disbelievingly, feeling the air brush against your throat as you inhaled sharply, hardly able to fathom the news that had just been broken to you.

Contrary to what your stubborn mentality refused to accept, your deskmate Sungjin just nodded again, the smile on his face laced with a small hint of amusement-he too, probably foresaw that you wouldn’t believe such a thing.

“I’m serious, man. It came as a shock to everyone yesterday as well.” he said, hiding a gentle, but knowing giggle in 'serious’. “You really have Dowoon to thank, look at you go.”

You stared at the suggestive crease in Sungjin’s big, pretty eyes, not bothering to hide the sarcasm dripping from your smile (very well knowing that someone like Sungjin was capable of playing such pranks on you).

“And where can I get more reliable information?” you demanded, refusing to tear away your gaze from his, and noticing the added pressure in 'reliable’, Sungjin couldn’t help but break into a more relaxed smile as he lifted his hands up in surrender.

“Fine, go see for yourself, just don’t hit me, please.”

He pointed a finger at the notice board, littered with numerous sheets of construction paper from all the projects your class had been assigned this year, almost like a peacock’s feathers unfolding.

However, there was one paper that stood out from the rest, dull, white and boring-but maybe not so, once the truth was revealed.

In big, bold letters, it spelt:

PHYSICAL EDUCATION EXAMINATION RESULTS: CLASS 3D9.

The thought of knowing your results had thrown all thoughts of replying to Sungjin out of the window as you could hear the squeak of your shoe soles speed across the classroom towards the notice board.

Frantically, as the long table of students revealed a clearer picture of itself to you, you decided on looking at all the names from the bottom to the top-no better way to set yourself up for disappointment than to face it sooner.

It had been a while of panning up, and your squatting legs were getting tired; though knowing full well that you looked the part of an idiot while doing all this. You couldn’t find your name anywhere on the board, and as your legs slowly broke its position to ascend further, the anxiety in your chest seemed to rise along with it-what if you had done so bad a job, you couldn’t even get a position?

What if Dowoon had seen it and would never talk to you ever again? What would your parents say when they knew…

Just as your imagination was trailing all the way off from your real goal, the truth imprinted in cold, black ink debunked all of the scenarios in your head.

Your name was right next to the position, second place.

“So you weren’t lying!” was the first thing you did as you shouted out of instinct from the opposite position of the classroom. As many other students turned their heads to you in slight frustration, you could hear Sungjin’s sniggers direct back at you in response, which was yeah, albeit sort of annoying-but nothing could really smother the joy you were feeling at this moment.

Your eyes lingered for a long time onto the placing that you had gotten, and you recalled all of Dowoon’s practice sessions with you-how he had drawn out almost 90% of his 4 month break just to train with you after school, how you had nearly tripped over a hurdle on the running track and causing both of you to laugh, how he had made you draw out a meal plan for him to monitor your food intake everyday-you’d never thought you’d say this, but you really, really missedit.

As you thought back to the believing eyes of a small child, looking up at the boundless sea of a sky-the clouds floating past resembling well his sweat glazed cheeks, you realised-how much you’d miss his presence that pushed forward, reaching out to the you who couldn’t be bothered with most things, his care that reached out to the you who didn’t care for yourself-not necessarily in a romantic way.

The thought of getting Dowoon’s number had very stupidly, slipped off your mind amidst all the joy he had brought you, and your good mood was surprisingly diminished by a small tinge of guilt as you returned to your desk.

You regretted it. A lot.

“All those training sessions with her partner must have helped a lot, huh? The one who ate ants in kindergarten, I have to laugh.” Suddenly, the silent, but tangible hiss of a group of girls fluttered past your ears, and without thinking, a small sense of anger blazed up in your heart as you stood up with a jolt.

How dare they say such a thing about such an amazing person.

Your chair did a loud, ugly screech against the floor as it happened, and the girls looked to you, slightly perplexed-that was, until you grabbed onto their wrists, and locked eyes with them-with a fire in your eyes that you yourself hadn’t recognised.

“Don’t talk about your senior like that.” you deadpanned, with the motivation of anger that had backed you up well.

Just then, you noticed the arch of your eyebrows, and the anger in your movements reflected in their cowardly gazes, and for a second, you wondered-if the you that was acting like this, was really you.

“Sorry.” was all they could manage awkwardly, a sheepish, yet somehow insincere smile dripping from their lips as they slipped away to their own desks-people nowadays just loved to talk about others behind their backs, and you sighed.

Only your love could make the me who was stuck in a rut run again.

_____________________________________________________________

“You got second place in the finals? Okay. Well, good for you, but I don’t think you’d come to me just for that.” the PE teacher slurred his words sharply, suddenly looking up at you from the bend of his glasses with a dull expression in his eyes. He seemed way more fascinated in the papers lulled over by his wrists than your dumb questions, and in all honesty, it was getting sort of annoying.

The lazy whirr of the fan spun over your head, fitting perfectly into the awkward silence between you and the teacher as you twiddled your thumbs awkwardly, trying to figure out a way to paraphrase such a stupid request-not daring to meet his steely gaze that somehow, stubbornly refused to tear away from yours.

He was right, however; the last thing you’d ever do was to go into the lion’s den without an ulterior motive.

No one really dared to talk to the PE teacher about anything else besides school.

Plus, you could already imagine all the worst case scenarios if he was in a particularly bad mood today, and…let’s just say that detention would potentially be the second best option.

He really wasn’t the best person to talk to.

But in this case…

You looked up at the spinning blades of the fan again, and felt the swirl of cool air blow through your hair gently.

Maybe he was.

At such a comforting touch, you tried your best to ignore the pounding headache dragging you down; and with painstakingly mustered courage, you spoke.

“T-Teacher, do you have Dowoon’s number? Like, the one who was our senior?”

Regret kicked in the second you had spoke of Dowoon’s name, and you could literally feel your temples and limbs lose all sense of gravity as your reputation crashed to the floor. You could feel your heartbeat go into allegro, pounding onto every organ in your body as the PE teacher looked up with the most unreadable expression on his face.

Sweat emitted disgustingly from your scalp as your chest rose and fell back in waves, failing terribly to compose yourself. This is it, you dreaded your indelible fate that was to come as the PE teacher raised his eyebrows-you were barely standing up already, and you could feel your kneecaps wobble unhelpfully under the tendrils of anxiety.

I’m doomed for life, Dowoon’s gonna think I’m a stalker, and-

“Hahahaha.”

Laughter rolled out in the depth of that intimidating voice, like coffee spilt over a cleanly lacquered table.

You felt your eyes widen as you looked up at the teacher again, still grasping for breath as your heart refused to stop beating-after all, collapsing on the spot seemed like the best path in such an awkward situation.

Especially when he looked at you with amusement twinkling in the corners of his slit-shaped eyes.

“So, what next? You’re asking, me? To help you with your half baked attempt of asking a senior out on a date?” he snarled sarcastically, getting out of his seat and approaching you. The corners of his mouth tugged at a smirk, baring his set of sharp teeth; the jaws of a wolf, that spelt warning at its finest, and in all your shock, you recoiled back.

You didn’t think this was how it would end up; no, not like this.

Just then, you felt a hand arrest your wrists tightly, digging holes in your skin.

The pain from the wolf’s claws amplified your vocal cords as you screamed, causing all the other teachers out there to look at you from their desks, and inside, you wanted to cry; you had never been humiliated so bad in your entire life.

“In your dreams.”

Just like that, with the help of a brute force you were mercilessly thrown out of the staff room, and before you could even put a foot on the floor to stabilise yourself you heard a loud bang behind you-followed by the even more painful sound of the lock seizing the entrance of it.

You got up, slightly blank, slightly hollow, slightly lost-as you walked a bit further, heart feeling heavy with all the baggage in your chest-before the feelings got hold of your throat, and tumbled out through your eyes unashamedly.

You were way too sad to hide any further.

Pathetically, to do all you could to mask the feelings that had crept up onto you, through the not so fair play of fate; you held a wrist to your face as you sprinted back to class, with a scar zipped across it, just as it had done for your broken heart.

__________________________________________

“I’m sorry for what happened today…but I’m happy that senior was able to bring you so far.” he barely managed, with his smooth, soft voice that seemed to skim lightly over the atmosphere of the café; just like the soft cream that had been drizzled meticulously over the cup of coffee on the table.

You weren’t taking it, the coffee that he had made for you not too long ago. Not really that you had anything against him, no-definitely not your caring, gentle coworker, but you didn’t really have the mood to drink anything as of now…You sighed briefly, dusting your apron to keep yourself preoccupied, but still not managing to let off all the steam in your body.

The incident had very admittedly, left you scarred; very literally and mentally. Leftover embarrassment was still tugging at the corners of your heart, begging to be attended to while you tried your best to shrug it off, and walked to the counter to unlock the cashier; the cheery ring of the bell above the door had struck at a rather unconventional time, and a customer was already walking in.

It wasn’t very fair that they’d have to put up with your emotional baggage when they were here to get a drink, maybe even to destress and wind down for the day.

“Pil-ah, it’s okay, I don’t really want a drink as of now.” you played it off as calmly as you could, slotting the key into the box and letting it slide open with a click. “You can drink it or something, you don’t look too energised yourself.”

A disappointed whine echoed back in response to your lousy excuse; there was no way Wonpil was going to believe such a stupid reply, and you could already anticipate his nagging voice as he opened his mouth.

“Heyyyyy, come on…don’t be like this, I’ve known you for so long already. You’ve got to take care of yourself, even when you’re sad.”

The last line got you hard, and as you saw the customer’s eyes widen in judgement behind her mop of ashy bangs, you couldn’t help but glare back at him.

“Wonpil, I said I was okay.” you deadpanned with added pressure, however, subsequently feeling guilt crawling onto your nerves after realising how mean that had sounded. His features had softened considerably, with a slightly hurt look in his big, innocent eyes, and you didn’t really want to hurt anyone else when you yourself had been hurt enough.

“I’m sorry, just-I’m tired from today.” you sighed helplessly, having been pushed into a corner, and being his understanding self, Wonpil nodded back with concern laced in his seemingly nonchalant smile.

After making sure everything was more or less alright, you hastily attended back to the customer, who was looking slightly frustrated with how long you were taking-and after she had ordered her iced americano, she looked a little more satisfied as she took a seat by the table nearest to the window.

It wasn’t surprising; the weather today was warm. Lances of golden sunlight had dropped by the café, gracing its interior in its crisp, evening glow, and very miserably, laughing at your bad mood that contrasted with it.

“Are you okay now?”

You turned around to see Wonpil, eyebrows raised, hands rested in the pockets of his apron; and a rare, but serious look in his eyes as he prepared to listen to you.

As much as you didn’t want him to worry over you, you knew how stubbornly insistent he was with getting things off your chest, so nevertheless, you opened your mouth-wondering what you had done to deserve his grace at the back of your mind.

“I-It’s nothing really, it’s just-” you exhaled, breaking into a nervous box smile as you ran a hand through your hair, barely having the right state of mind to continue, “I really wanted to thank him for his kindness and how he cared for my growth so selflessly, but apart from being so embarrassed by the teacher, not being able to do that anymore-it makes me feel so, so bad, knowing that I was never able to do anything for him, because I really, really miss him, and-”

“Don’t say anymore. I understand.”

You felt Wonpil’s hand descend onto your back, like the touch of a small, but pretty little butterfly as it fluttered over the expanse of your spine, caressing it gently and hushing your shaking nerves.

All the thoughts had miserably, coaxed your feelings forward, and without knowing, you had started to cry again as you held your palms to your face-trying your best not to cry too loudly as you let out small, uncontrollable sobs.

“T-Thank you so much.” you choked awkwardly, not knowing any better way to express your gratitude, and even in the darkness of your closed eyes, you could already picture Wonpil’s relaxed, comforting smile playing on the sides of his face as he chuckled softly.

Just then, a cough cut in, putting a halt to your sobs and causing both of you to turn to the customer.

“Um…I’m sorry to interrupt this moment, but can I have three iced lattes? Please?” he said, carrying a half air, half voice tone-and with the guidance of your instinct your head immediately shot up from your palms.

There was only one person you knew with such a voice-the one you heard when you had first met the school alumni.

“P-Park Jaehyung?” you yelled instinctively, and your own eyes revealed the truth to you quickly-lean, rosy cheeks, big lips, small, droopy eyes, that were now widened into large circles as they stared back at you, with equally as much surprise in his gaze.

“Ohhhhh my! Y-You’re the junior that trained with Dowoon a lot, right?” In his hearty voice, he exclaimed almost disbelievingly, but causing you to blush furiously; it was rather weird being so closely associated with him. “And hey, don’t be rude-how dare you call a senior by their full name.” he added on teasingly, and both of you laughed.

“I think I’ll make the drinks for today-you definitely need to catch up with him, someone might be there waiting for you.” Wonpil’s voice said behind you understandingly, and you said a quick thank you with a smile before walking over to Jaehyung’s seat.

“Oh, sorry for my impoliteness, Your Highness, Park Jaehyung, my queen-does this make it better now?” you retorted quickly, with a cheeky smirk on your face and triggering a gasp from him.

“Excuse me? Your audacity? Oh, and by that guy’s sound, you sound like you’re only here to see Dowoon, how sad-he isn’t here, because I’m the most significant out of everyone there.” he snickered back, laughing even harder when you stuck out your tongue back at him pettily-but to your surprise, it didn’t last very long.

“Jaehyungie-hyung, don’t be so mean! I’m here, hi! I haven’t seen you in so long, are you doing okay?” a deep voice exclaimed, causing your jaw to drop even further, if that was even possible-and your feelings seemed to arrest all the air in your chest, just for a second-when you once again, saw the big, believing eyes of a child and his kind, untainted smile.

It was the boy that had spent countless hours under the sun, pushing you towards your goals endlessly.

It wasn’t just any person, a random school alumni that had came to their transit stop for a while to leave again-it was Dowoon, Yoon Dowoon, of all people that you could have seen on that miserable day of yours.

It seemed almost intangible, yet so palpable as you ran to him, calling his name, as your hands managed to even hug his taller figure again-you could have nearly cried when you felt his bigger palm crash against your back with sincerity, and while you heard Dowoon’s deep voice roll out a long string of laughter, commenting jokingly, “Man, I never knew a girl would miss me so much,” you sort of wanted to smack him-yet was definitely in awe of the fact that you could hear that laughter again.

You’d never think that you would have heard it ever again.

“Shut up, I’m just here because you got me a second place position in running, loser.” you giggled it off coolly, but failing terribly to hide the happiness stupidly written all over your face as Dowoon’s smile angled up further, wearing his pride proudly on his sleeve as he gave you a high five.

“Really? Oh my gosh, that’s so amazing! I’m so proud of my student.” he laughed, childlike eyes widening in happiness and amplifying his innocence. “You deserve it man, you trained so hard for the test-definitely more commitment than I think you would have had.”

“Ow, thanks a lot for the last comment, jeez, alright, I know I suck.” you jutted out your lips in faux sadness, clutching your heart to your chest-but quickly remembering why you were so happy to see him again, you hastily added, “But thanks anyway, for guiding me. Couldn’t have done it without you, taking so much time off your break.”

There. I finally said it, you thought happily, allowing yourself a small grin when Dowoon rejected your praises quickly, hurriedly saying, “No, no, I didn’t really do anything,” and starting to ramble on about how you had done so much more to deserve it-his eyes got even bigger when he was in slight shock, and he looked the part of a small, innocent child more than ever.

“And oh, right.” Dowoon suddenly spoke up amidst the topic of running, grabbing your attention. You couldn’t help but giggle when he was about to open his mouth to speak, but instead-shut it again and started tugging the edges of his hair, mouthing things to himself with eyes squeezed together tightly-probably a long string of Jaehyung’s 'motivational quotes.

A part of your heart fluttered at the purity his very being exuded-he was really, very cute.

But in all your mirth, you couldn’t help it-you absolutely had to smack him.

“Yoon Dowoon, hurry up!” you snapped quickly, however with a cheeky smile that showed your real intentions. Dowoon was momentarily taken aback-but his features quickly softened after, when he realised you were joking.

“Sorry for being such a big mess, it’s just…” he barely smiled softly, breaking out into further nervous laughter when Jaehyung and Younghyun started to beat his back repeatedly.

“Do you want to go out with us today? We’re going to my place further out from the city, and uh…we’re setting off fireworks and having a picnic around there and playing our instruments and stuff-” There was probably going to be no end to his rambling if Younghyun hadn’t gave him a loud slap on his back-at this point, the creases in his eyes and sheepish box smile showed it all; he was incredibly, incredibly flustered, and to your dismay-also incredibly endearing.

But still, you couldn’t miss grabbing the opportunity to tease him. You lifted your lips into a smirk, rocking your shoes against the foot of the table as you cooed, “Aww, is my senior asking me out on a date? I’d love to go with you, aww, Dowoonie…” Everyone in the place, yes, including that grumpy female customer; broke into fits of giggles, raising the atmosphere of the previously still, 'cultured’ public place as you chased after Dowoon, who was currently running away from you and ducked his head to hide under the table.

“Haha, why are you genuinely scared? I was only joking, you’re so adorable.” you grinned cheekily as you saw the blush dancing above his round, squishy cheeks and the embarrassment in his semi opened eyes, “I’ll come with you. It’s quite timely as well, since I’ve had quite a bad day at school…You know what, I’ll say later. I gotta finish my shift first, Wonpil can’t possibly do everything for me.” you quickly added when you saw his eyebrows widen in slight concern, and with a good-natured, outstretched wrist you helped Dowoon up from the table; who was quick to stick out his tongue when he saw that Jaehyung and Younghyun were still unable to contain the mirth written across their faces.

“So, I’ll see you at 7 then?” he smiled awkwardly, trying his best to ignore them, and you nodded back eagerly as you walked him out of the shop, and into the embrace of the outdoors again.

It seemed so coincidental, that even as Jaehyung and Younghyun had simultaneously tagged along behind the two of you and out into the open, the sun was only blazing through the gaps in Dowoon’s curls-girdling the ridges of his shoulders, slicing through the sides of his face and oozing into the crevices of his warm, faith-filled eyes.

You smiled.

The world was so beautiful.

“See you later! Don’t miss me too much!” you yelled out to Dowoon jokingly, as he and the other boys got into the small scooters they shared-and after he had yelled back with equal gusto, “Back at you!”, the three scooters sped in the other direction; hopefully, anticipating the time where they came back the other way again, because you sure were.

_____________________________

unknown: It’s 7 lol have you ended your shift yet?

you: Yeah I have! Are you Dowoon or…?

unknown: No I’m Brian #sike

unknown: Please ignore that, Jaehyungie-hyung took my phone, I don’t know what he’s doing with his weird hashtags again TTTTTTTTT

you: HAHAHAHA TELL HIM HE SUCKS

you: It’s nice to have your number though…it sucked not being able to contact you :( How did you get it anyway?

Dowoon: Yeah hhhh Wonpil told me earlier :) I didn’t think you would mind…so

you: Haha of course not! Anyway, are you on the way?

Dowoon: Wouldn’t dare to be late, I’m already here hehe ^^

Your head shot up with excitement, nearly screaming as you saw three headlights blaze at you, from the curtain of darkness that had shrouded the city not too long ago. It was around autumn right about now, and you were rather sensitive to the cold-so seeing their warm presence was quite comforting.

Noticing that you were already hanging up your apron and practically bouncing to the kitchen to clean up, Wonpil couldn’t help but throw a good-natured laugh at you. “Someone’s excited for their first date.” he remarked suggestively, cleaning the used table under the illumination of the light bulb hanging above him, and if it wasn’t for the distance between both of you you would have probably kicked him in response.

“Shut uuuuup, there’s literally 2 other boys goiiiiing.” you whined, taking one of the leftover plates scattered across the sink and soaping it,“-The chances of you and I dating just about now is probably way higher than Dowoon…well, at least, I’ve known you for about a year plus right now, and him, 6 months at most.” Wonpil couldn’t help but giggle again at the uncertainty in your voice, and pettily, you stamped your feet on the floor.

“There’s no way my future partner will be someone as mean as you, I take all my words back.” you pouted jokingly, and subsequently, starting to laugh at yourself too-this conversation was going absolutely nowhere.

“Hey, but in all seriousness, I think you should just go. Don’t make them wait too long, after all, one of them is your future boyfriend. I’ll take care of wrapping up.” Wonpil spoke up again, approaching you as he hung the cloth by the arch of the sink, and took the plate from your hand kindly-gesturing for you to wash your hands as he pointed to the tap.

With unmasked gratitude you smiled back at him, washing your hands briefly before taking your phone from the counter, “Thanks again, Pil-ah; and one more freaking thing, before I have to repeat it a second time, there is no way Dowoon is going to be my boyfriend.” you remarked strictly, taking your school bag from the seat close to the door and slinging it over your shoulder excitedly-the events of tonight sounded incredibly fun.

“Thank me by inviting me to your future wedding!” Wonpil screamed in his high pitched voice when you opened the door, with the silvery chime of the bell above it-and this time, you really, really wanted to kick him, because outside, in the cold of the night Jaehyung was literally having the time of his life laughing at you and nodding back to Wonpil in agreement (one of the rare times where he actually sided him).

“Boys suck.” you groaned pettily as Dowoon, with unmistakeable redness on his face gestured for you to get onto the back of his scooter, and Younghyun laughed.

“Doesn’t seem that way with our Dowoonie, am I right?” his unmistakeable fox eyes shot you a small wink, which was sort of annoying-till he yelled smugly, “Good luck on being the first there with extra baggage! Not like anyone ever manages to triumph me anyway.”

With that, Younghyun’s scooter whizzed off, black coat and black locks fluttering behind him care freely, like how his very personality was-and soon, Jaehyung’s scooter whizzed off too, the only thing behind him being his screams of “I’m GONNA BEAT YOU THIS TIME, BRIAN!”, and you couldn’t help but giggle a bit-the antics of those two were always so stupidly humouring.

“Sorry, they can be a bit of a public embarrassment.” Dowoon laughed helplessly, shaking his head, and with a small smile you too shook your head; you were totally fine with them, and you’d even say that having them around was enjoyable. “-Jihyo and Chaewon are actually joining us later, but they weren’t comfortable on the scooter, and we need someone to drive our instruments.”

He paused for a bit to catch his breath, expelling a small puff of white before explaining, “I hope you’re okay with it too-the scooter can feel very unbalanced at first, but I think you can handle it. This sounds incredibly awkward, but you gotta hold onto my waist, or you’ll probably fall off within a second of me accelerating. Alright? Don’t want to be responsible for your medical fees.” Dowoon ended off with a joking crease in his smirk before he tossed you a neon yellow helmet from the basket of the scooter, and you nodded before putting it on.

He thrusted the key into the slot rather vigorously, and soon there was a dull roar from the engine behind you, and at his command, you awkwardly positioned your hands at his waist area. Admittedly, it felt pretty good, however-the coat that hugged his waist was made of soft, thick brown fabric, and it reminded you of your honey scented sheets back at home.

“Ready to ride?” he suddenly piped up, happiness laced in his deep, comforting voice, and you shot him a thumbs up sign.

“Always ready.” you answered eagerly, and with a louder roar from the engine than before, both of you sped out towards the moon, that lay on the horizon of the shimmering sea.

________________________

You felt like you were riding on the brim of a cloud as the wind zipped through your hair and your jacket, starting to take flight and flutter violently behind you like kites in the sky. The feeling of being so close to land, yet so far up into the sky was so indescribable-gravity accelerated the thrill in your heart as Dowoon let out a long, unceremonious scream, cheering for the destination that wasn’t too far from where you were.

“We’re almost here!” he broke into a small gummy smile beneath the mop of his fluttering curls-they seemed to run across the border of his forehead, like running waves crashing beautifully onto the shore of a beach.

However, contrary to your imagination, the river that surrounded all of you in its big embrace was especially quiet-only letting small dribbles of light from the lighthouse float gently above the surface of the waves as both of you moved past, like bioluminescent lily pads that had descended from the glow of the moon. Mountains foreshadowed the road ahead mysteriously, painted in a darker shade of navy than the star speckled-sky above both of you, and the road to the picnic area was long and windy, snaking out into a canopy of trees relaxedly.

“You’d never get anything like this in the city.” you said in slight awe, hands slowly finding themselves crawling up to Dowoon’s broad shoulders as you dared to hoist yourself up, breaking up from your posture a tad bit, and as you felt one of his curls brush past your wrists, he laughed his slow, deep laugh in response.

“You’re cute. I had a friend that didn’t live in Busan as a kid, and he lived in the more country area-he would probably protest if he heard what you just said…” His deep voice trailed off softly, seeming to follow the snaking nature of the concrete road ahead of you. “-Nevertheless, I’m happy we’re here. It’s nice to ride out here with someone.”

His eyes, which had now stopped displaying the light of the sun to catch the glow of the moon, was still as warm as ever in the cold weather. With undeniable faith tinting the light that ringed his eyes, half opened submissively and bringing out the semi rosy tint in his bags, the carefree smile on his lips and the uplift of his cheeks resembling floating clouds didn’t fail to bring you back in awe again; it was as if all laws of astronomy tailed after his presence, and followed in the footsteps of his unbreakable belief.

“You’re really very beautiful.” the words left your lips through an airy whisper, and you were too busy staring at him again to even notice what you said until Dowoon spoke up again.

“U-Um…Me? R-Really? Thanks, I guess…” his eyes bore a different spark to it as they drooped shyly, like a mimosa recoiling at someone’s touch-and as the truth dawned onto you slowly, mixed feelings of embarrassment and self-blame kicked in a little too fast-you really, really wanted to kick yourself for saying that.

Trying to salvage the situation, you quickly spoke up upon seeing his tilted eyebrows and the embarrassment written on his face. “I-I didn’t mean that in a weird way, I’m sorry, not that I don’t love your looks-or not that I don’t love you any less, i-it’s just-” you stuttered awkwardly, brain stupidly failing you at this crucial moment-but being a nice guy, Dowoon just shook his head briefly.

With a small smile breaking onto his face, not fully suggestive; yet not fully chaste, he responded in awe, big eyes widening with more faith than before.

“No, no, please don’t apologise, because…” Dowoon spoke with the smile of reuniting with someone again, overly excited to articulate his words properly, “B-Because, I-”

“Dowoon! What’s taking you so long, can you drive faster? You’re almost there already, hurry up!” Jaehyung’s voice suddenly broke through the world that only both of you shared, halting the climax of the story. He and Younghyun were on a higher end of a cliff, where the destination was, and you could already see their hands waving vigorously in your direction. Jihyo and Chaewon had arrived too-you could see two figures with long hair sit on a big red mat.

“What was that you were going to say?” you asked, as the scooter started to move again; both of you had been so immersed in conversation that you hadn’t even realised that Dowoon stopped the vehicle to talk.

However, contrary to what you thought he was going to say, Dowoon shook his head almost nonchalantly, losing a bit of the faith in his gaze as he looked down with baggy eyes of dejection.

He squeezed his lips into a textbook version of a smile and talked at a slower pace, this time more scarily composed than before. “I-It’s nothing. I don’t know if I’ll have the courage to tell you again.”

The entire trip to the cliff went downhill in a veil of awkward silence, both of you knowing full well in your hearts why such a thing had happened. Wind rocketed past your ears silently, blowing against your ears and hitting against your hair-as if coaxing you to speak, but right now, you didn’t know if you had the courage to say anything to him when you had made him sad.

In less than a minute, the scooter had surfaced up the flatter parts of the cliff, and you decided that this was the best moment to speak up.

“I’m sorry if I made you sad or anything.” you mumbled awkwardly, stepping out of the scooter and nearly losing your balance-having your feet on the ground after 2 whole hours seemed like a foreign concept to your legs right about now.

Dowoon shook a hand at you almost instantly. “You’ve made me more happy than I could ever imagine.” he said unhesitantly, and this time, smiled at you with a more genuine smile. For a second, you could see the faith of the crescent moon resurface back on the ring of his eyes as he continued, “Just have fun tonight, that’s all I ask for.”

You nodded back, returning his smile; and with a new, strangely fluttering feeling in your heart you followed Dowoon to the picnic mat, where Jihyo and Chaewon were sitting, dressed in casual clothing-you felt slightly out of place, decked out in your sloppy, mud-speckled school uniform as you greeted them shyly, sitting yourself onto the mat. But thankfully, the girls initiated conversations well-definitely way better than you did, and within seconds, you hadn’t even realised that Dowoon had slipped away to somewhere else.

“So, how’s life after finals?” Jihyo asked cheerily, or rather, the way she usually talked; it wasn’t rare to see that consistent, bright smile of hers plastered on her doll like face.

You didn’t exactly know how to answer. “I don’t really know. After school today I have that 4 month break that most have, so what happened after your break?” You started to laugh as you realised how you had redirected the topic back to them, and both of them started doing the same.

“Hmm-hahaha-I’d say that college life is still manageable, I’ve been doing it for about 2 months plus.” Jihyo answered, failing to contain her laughter at one point as she squeezed her eyes together endearingly. “Chaewon is entering a polytechnic, so she has about 2 months more to break, same with Dowoon, Jaehyung and Younghyun want to go to a uni, so they’re going to college too, but I don’t know…like. I really don’t know what I want in life yet…”

Her voice trailed off awkwardly, with the fading smear of her chirpy voice, and you couldn’t help but relate. Sure, you had a subject combination and you had did pretty good in finals, but you didn’t have a certain passion you would shirk everything to chase; not like many of the people in your class, who were already able to aim their arrows towards their target.

“It’s okay. I’m sure you’ll find it soon when the time arrives, I’m looking for what I want too.” you said with empathy, and in response Jihyo nodded politely.

“I suppose.”

All of you talked for a while longer, on less serious topics-occasionally breaking out in laughter when Jihyo came up with one of her silly, yet timely antics, and going soft hours when Chaewon showed all of you pictures of her labrador-it was a he, with a slender, healthy body and adorable marble eyes.

After a while of staring, you had only come to realise that the mahogany, soft brown shade of his fur was the same colour you saw, inked intricately in the depths of Dowoon’s eyes.

Just then, there was a very coincidental, but hesitant tap on your shoulders.

“Can you come with me?” a low voice spoke up amidst the cooing over the dog, and you looked up, despite already recognising who it was.

This time, his gaze looked a little different; you couldn’t help but feel slightly excited as you noticed the enigmatic sparkle that stood out amidst his gentle, brown eyes, taking his outstretched hand and standing up.

“Yoon Dowoon, I’m warning you, if you don’t bring her back safely, we will tail after you with bats and split your head open.” Jihyo suddenly spoke up with a glint in her big, doll eyes, voice cracking menacingly at the last line-and again, both of you laughed at her antics.

“Don’t worry, I won’t.” he laughed awkwardly, voice faltering at the last line. You couldn’t help but notice that Dowoon’s cheeks were starting to heat up, but quickly ignored it when he gestured at you to follow him.

Contrary to what you thought it would be, the walk to the destination wasn’t very long, unlike earlier on. From the angle of the picnic mat, a loudspeaker in the distance was clearly visible. Next to it were two other figures, Younghyun and Jaehyung-with a bass and electric guitar slung around their chests respectively.

Needlessly to say, you were shocked. “They can play those?” you exclaimed, and with a small nod, Dowoon chuckled gleefully, “Look to your left.”

Without a moment of thought, you turned your head.

Cymbals, glinting on the cusp of its dully golden surface like the rings of Saturn, with two smaller drums and a large bass drum positioned at the bottom-it seemed like you were exaggerating, but…

“Dowoon, you can play that? ” you cried out, faltering a little at the last word, but unlike how you had reacted, he just smiled like it wasn’t that great of a feat to play the drums.

“Not just that, I’m going to play you a song.” he responded triumphantly, as he approached the spinning chair behind it and sat down. A smug smile remained on his face unwaveringly as he bent down to pick up his drumsticks, humming a gentle tune between his lips-and you couldn’t help but smile, wondering if that was the very song they were about to play.

“This is all for you by the way,” Younghyun cut in, a malicious smirk playing on the sides of his lips as you turned to him, “-We have a school recital tomorrow, and we’ve practically practiced this song till we could play it with closed eyes-but our naughty youngest absolutely insisted on playing this instead of anything else, just because of his-”

“OKAY, OKAY, I think that’s about enough.” Dowoon shouted obnoxiously, with a slightly annoyed, slightly red look on his face, and everyone started to laugh.

“Take it away then, drummer boy.” you said enthusiastically, remaining rooted to the ground in anticipation.

You definitely weren’t ready for the moment he started to position those drumsticks of his.

As the guitar kicked off the song, while layered by the low consistency of the bass, you smiled unconsciously as you let the melody hum in your voice softly. It was in A major, a nice, steady rhythm; and more so when a string of clashes echoed from the cymbals, not too far away from where you were-before there was another silvery tap, followed up by what sounded like the rustle of leaves.

Then, as the melody descended down a few keys, Jaehyung rasped gently into the mic, like the soft blow of the night breeze surrounding you.

Every day I lived like I was dead But you

Became the reason For me to get up Once more You made me wanna open my eyes

In sync with the bass, your heart thumped against your chest-and you stared at Dowoon, who gave you a small smile, before going into a rapid flurry of beats yet again.

Just your smile alone Makes me breathe Because of you, I’m Better better Better baby Only your love Makes the frozen me Start to run again Higher higher Higher baby

The reason for all this looked back at you knowingly, with the same spark of faith spinning confidently in his eyes; as if he understood what he meant to you, and then, the night sky seemed to tear down from the face of the earth, and enclasp itself in the centre of his eyes.

I used to never wait for tomorrow But you Became the reason For me to take one more step Not too far ahead You held out your hand to me

Just your smile alone Makes me breathe Because of you, I’m Better better Better baby Only your love Makes the frozen me Start to run again Higher higher Higher baby The bass suddenly made no more sound, and soon, the music stopped with your heart.

“You must be confused now.” Dowoon’s low voice suddenly whispered at a distance awfully near where you were standing, and startling you; yet resonating so comfortingly in your ears while he spoke.

As he locked eyes with yours, the light promisingly dancing on the sides of his pupils held the lights of the stars in them-still the ones of a child, maybe even believing more than ever; and in all your awe you began to speak hastily, not knowing what to do.

“I-I don’t know, I’m happy-and these words are what I’ve been meaning to say to you for the longest time, you mean a lot to me, and heck, I don’t even know if I could have survived running without you, there’s no way you could have known-”

“These words are the words I want to say to you too.”

Your eyes widened as he said those words hopefully, taking your wrists-and all the signs of red surfacing across his cheeks, with the smiles that only he could have made you smile with; to the unsure, dull gaze you had seen at your first meeting, to the beautiful, starry sky you could barely fathom in the depth of his big, believing eyes.

“I wanted to drop by your school to visit, but I heard from your friends that you were hurting a lot today, so I didn’t end up going.” he said quietly, now holding up the wrist with the thin, ugly scar zipped across it and kissing it; at that moment, you could barely believe the warmth that was withheld between every fibre in the soft, pillowy surface as Dowoon looked up at you again. “And I don’t want to leave you like that again. Thank you for understanding me with that kind heart of yours, when I could barely have the willpower to train the batch, and bringing me so much happiness.”

He paused for a bit, and as if his voice was a conductor, your breath halted simultaneously-before he opened his mouth again, and eagerly said the words that would change your life forever.

“I want to run with you forever.”

You could barely contain yourself from crying again when the feelings gushed to your head, came raining down from your eyes as tears, and through all your emotions, you nodded vigorously.

“I want to do the same, Dowoon,” you sniffed, barely stabilising yourself as you felt his callused hands land on your shoulders gently, holding you close to his chest, rising and falling in waves-he too, was crying; and you never wanted to leave that place again.

Just your smile alone Makes me breathe Because of you, I’m Better better Better baby Only your love Makes the frozen me Start to run again Higher higher Higher baby

From that day on, both of you ran not only across the running track in your school, but in the race of life, hand in hand-smiles being the breath in each other’s lungs, and love being the reason to keep going.

Only your love could make the me who was stuck run again.

______________________

HECK THIS WAS SO CRINGEY AND CORNY IM SORRY ILL EDIT IT WHEN I HAVE TIME LOL!!! ugh I had sm fun tho lol Dowoon is really so precious and amazing aaaa ;;; also, I feel like I was only able to write this so well because of God, who plays the character of Dowoon and way more than that in my life-being the breath in my lungs and the reason to keep going, so really, all the glory be to Him, I have never wrote with such understanding of a concept like love and He really is so omnipresent and amazing in even everything I write even if I don’t mention Him directly!!!

hehe I really like this story uwu its not the best and its way too long than it should have been but it will hold a special place in my heart!! to the anon that requested this I’m sorry if u expected a short read with a much more light hearted topic to 'cheering you up after a bad day at school’ JHDSJKFHS HAHAHAHA gosh anyway I hope y'all enjoyed this if you even finished it, thanks for your support!! I’m writing this on my birthday so I gotta go sleep now, happy 2019 to everyone!

(looking back and literally the only good thing about this story was the ending what the hecK I did so much unnecessary elaboration LOL)

[dawnbrigade]

SoV thoughts (because I’ve been physically incapable of shutting up about this game for the past two months)

Just preordered SoV this morning (special edition or bust amirite) and man, I can’t remember the last time I was this excited for a game. I was actually pretty nervous when it was first announced, because a) FE doesn’t have the best track record when it comes to remakes, and b) FE’s recent games have been…. well. Fates.

But the fact that SoV doesn’t have a MU is a MASSIVE relief imo. Supports also seem to work more like the GBA games/PoR in that characters can only support with 5-7 characters that, yknow, actually make sense for them to support with (so far we’ve seen Celica/Mae, Tobin/Clair, Valbar/Kamui, etc. - all pre-established relationships within the story itself). The massive scale of the support system in Awakening & Fates was something I wasn’t a fan of because it’s just so hard to develop characters when the writers are trying to stretch out over, like, sixteen different support threads. The marriage+kids gimmick is also something I was really, really tired of by the time Fates came around, haha. I understand why people like it (…no I don’t), but man, applying that system to the Gaiden cast would be such a trainwreck.

Everything we’ve seen so far just seems so polished and high-quality. The art is SO gorgeous and I’ll probably never stop yelling about how amazing these redesigns look. Hidari’s attention to detail with character design is fantastic. I’ve seen several people point this out already, but in Kamui’s ending he helps Jesse form a country in the desert, and given how much he looks like Lon'qu/Say'ri/etc. there’s been speculation that said country eventually turns into Chon'sin. I love details like that (and I also hope this game is full of references to Valm & the shit that’s going on in the continent next door, because I LIVE for that kind of easter egg content).

I was concerned about how they’d deal with dungeon and village exploration, especially since villages were pretty boring in Gaiden, but they’ve really revamped it! It’s neat that the player can interact with the surroundings, like how Alm/Celica can smash walls and boxes with their sword and how it seems they can talk to individual NPC villagers. Also, Alm’s monologuing in the dungeon exploration PAX video is absolutely hilarious and I can’t wait to experience that. I love this kid and his overdramatic sophomore English class soliloquies.

I’m a bit wary about how they seem to be milking the whole “two warring countries, two different paths” shtick in the trailers. Gaiden isn’t really about choosing which side you’re going to fight for, so I’m hoping they’re just doing it to draw in the Fates crowd and not actually making it a focal point of the plot. Other than that, the storyline seems really neat - I looove what we’ve seen of Celica’s portrayal, I’m glad they’re writing her as a protagonist with agency and not Azura 2.0 (I liked Azura, but the writers certainly did not). The added prologue/childhood flashback segment is so cool! Besides the fact that small Celica is absolutely adorable, it’s nice that they’re obviously elaborating on the preexisting story - while I think Gaiden had a neat little plot, it was just so bare-bones. Adding flashbacks and a sizeable amount of character development is a wise decision, imo.

The only thing I’d change about Gaiden’s established storyline is how the female characters were handled. Besides Celica’s starting gang and arguably Palla, Catria, and Sonia, every single other woman is recruited by freeing them from capture. I’m definitely not saying that IntSys should rewrite every single recruitment scenario, but I /do/ think it’d be a good move to have at least a few of the female characters’ backstories not involve anything along the lines of “I was being held hostage but then the liberation army saved me.” I dunno, I can’t tell if I’m being too critical about this. Considering how IntSys has been writing female characters in their recent games, I don’t have a whole lot of hope for any changes here, but it would certainly be nice.

I have mixed feelings on Liprica’s backstory, because being forced into marriage against her will by Lima IV was an obvious example of how depraved and lazy Zofia had become, but also… ehhh…. not a big fan of the blatantly rape-y undertones here. I wouldn’t be heartbroken if they left this part in, but it’d be cool if they did find a different way to write it.

This is another very specific complaint, but goddamn I hope they change Clair’s ending. I’ve been complaining about this for years like the shitty fire emblem gremlin I am but oh my gooooood the trope of “two dudes fight over a girl and the winner gets to bang her, even though she tells him that she’s into someone else!” is just gross. I think the writers tried to smooth it over by having Clair’s Gray-is-dead ending revealing that “aw, she would’ve let him win anyway,” but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s not great for any of them as characters. Though I don’t have high hopes for any changes happening here, it would certainly be nice. Also, this is incredibly nitpicky, but that ending is a glaring plothole - if Gray dies before Clair is even recruited, then how in the HELL are Tobin and Gray supposed to plan a fight over her? Gray never even knew she existed! Dammit, IntSys…

Anyway, that was a lot of complaining (SORRY) but overall I’m really, really stoked for this game. Every trailer they release just gets me more excited about the direction they’re taking it in. It’s very comforting that the devs have pretty clearly learned from the mistakes of the Archanea remakes, as well as the less desirable aspects of Awakening and Fates.

May 19th can’t come fast enough :’D

[sleepychai]

Vent

so this will be new and something you dont normally see on blogs but i really just need to get this out to someone other than my family, my friends and my school counsellor.

i’ve been pushing these feelings of neglect, anger, sadness, guilt and all of that down for so long. i’ve been refusing myself from even feeling like this because i feel like i dont deserve it but it’s slowly killing me and someday i’m nt sure if i’ll be able to stop myself. so i am writing this here in case i do take it too far.

i have been through a lot recently, and a lot through my past. i cant go through one day without contemplating whether i deserve a happy life or not.

theres a lot to read because theres a lot to my life so if you dont want to read about my rant or you dont want me to ruin your day, than scroll down and continue with whatever the fuck youre doing.

so i need to clarify a few things before i get into details.

my family isnt a healthy one, theres no question about it. my parents aren’t married and never were. they despise each other yet still had three kids, me being the oldest. they hate each other so much that they get verbally and on minor counts physically abusive towards each other if left alone for too long. my dad has met and married a woman named sue then proceeded to have two more kids with her making me the oldest out of five. my mum has also met a man named brad more on his shit later.

life has never been easy on my, even when i was born. i was born as a mistake that my dad never gave permission for. my mum deliberately lied to my dad so she could get pregnant. then when i was actually born, i got passed on to my nan (my mums mum) for the first two years of my life because my parents were incapable of taking care of me.

my mum was sixteen when i was born and my dad was 18-19, both dropped out mid-way of high school. my mum refused to work at all which forced my dad to take on 3 jobs just to cover the necessities.

when my parents finally decided to take me back, it went ok. i moved up to queensland for a bit and had a nice time for a bit, until my mum burnt her hand in the toaster and we had to move back down to melbourne because there were better doctors down there. many fights ha occurred during that time and my brother was born around that time as well. he also got diagnosed with autism which only shattered our family more.

so by the time we moved back down, things were going okay-ish. i attended a good school there, i had lots of friends, i was getting good grades even advancing a bit. but as my sister came into this world, life took another turn for hell. my dad wanted all three of us kids because he believed that he could provided more for us but my mum refused and threw a knife at my dad. my dad left that day and never moved back in but still kept in touch with us whenever he could. my mum moved in with my nan which already had my two uncles living there already so it was a very packed house. i moved schools which was very hard for me because i tended to move schools a lot.

there i met many friends and even had a relationship with someone. i dont want to go to details with this because i told someone once and they bullied me for it.

so a year went on with nothing bad going on but then life once again decided to pay a visit. in year 5, i moved houses once again and had a park across the street, there i met a girl and became friends with her and had a good relationship with her. her name is brodie and we were bffs back then. but it wasnt for good. we had a lot of fights between us to the point where our parents had to get involved. but then after a few days we became friends again and met a few other people and became friends with them

throughout the two years we had a few other fights and she exploited all the secrets i had told her, secrets that i wished to keep but never did. she and her friends bullied me and sent threats to me in so many ways it nearly made me want to kill myself. at that point of time i didnt know what suicide was or what cutting was but i ha thoughts of knifes often that it scared me. i never told my parents anything but they knew about the fight. for two whole months i was stuck in my house because i was too scared to go outside, afraid that the kids would show up and bully me again. it wasnt until she said sorry at school that i was stupid enough to trust her again. we ended up having another fight then went back to being friends. after our year 6 graduation we had another fight. this fight was my fault. most people wouldnt put it that way because it was really my fault but the fight was about me. my parents agreed that it’d be better if i move out of my mums house and move in with my dad, away from all the bad shit and into a better neighbourhood, a new life as some might say. and with that move i was going to over moving to a girls school. brodie is a huge homophobic and once she heard the news about my school, she and her friends started calling me lesbain and a bitch just for going to an all girls school. when i left that place, i left the memories there. or so i thought

around this time is also the time when my dad met my soon to be step mum from his work so i was slowly getting to know her then as well. my grand nan also was moving away to tasmania so i wouldnt get to see her as often as i did. i’ve always had a good relationship with my nan and grand nan mainly because i got spoilt and lived with them for the first two years of my life. my mum was also really lazy and barely left the couch. if she did, it would be to go grocery shopping or to make us dinner. also me and my mum suffered from epilepsy but she was worse then me but i still had to take medicine everyday and she had to take six. because of her severe seizures she sometimes had if she forgot to take her medication, she was exempt from obtaining her license unless she was seizure free for two years, and she didnt get her license until a few months before my graduation. the end of year 6 was also the time my mum met her dick shit of a boyfriend.

now i am not going to lie here, he was an absolute prick. he also had two kids with an abusive relationship with his partner, but all he fucking cared about was fucking my mum and playing his fucking car games. he even updated his game using our internet which was already going at the speed of a fucking snail. he practically lived with us then and i caught them in the living room once. IN TH FUCKING LIVING ROOM. i never sat on that couch again and that experience had scarred me terribly.

anyway so i moved in with my dad and step mum sue in a small house and attended the girls school that we appeared to be just out of the zone for but still got me in. i didnt have any friends at that stage but everything was going okay there, apart from the homework. a fews months later in year seven, dad and sue got married. a couple more months after that sue was announced pregnant with my half sister. life took another turn after that. we had to start searching for a new home because we only had two bedrooms an i was already having to share my room once a fortnight with my siblings.

money wasnt easy on us. but to be fair we did go on our annual camping trips and went up to noosa once for a vacation so we had our good times as well as the bad. during year 7 i was also grounded a lot because im me.

anyway when we moved to our current house, things were going down hill a lot

money became s big issue with the whole new renovations being done to the house, my sister being admitted to the hospital multiple times for her ears, my schooling not doing to well. the only good thing is that I finally made a group of friends that I still am very great friends with today.

so after that fiasco died down, things started returning to normal, at least for this side of the family. 

my mum eventually moved with with dick milk and her relationship with him continued to progress even though it shouldn’t have. She finally got a job by then, a very low income job. i had a lot of fights with my mum then and it didn’t help with dick milk getting in the way. a couple months went on when shit started hitting the fan again. a tree had fallen on top of the house which luckily didn’t damage anything, dads shoulder fucked itself which made sue have the pressure of more work but she didn’t have to do much considering my dads low income and her very high income. it still gave her a lot of pressure. When my dad finally got back to work it started getting a little bit better. 

By this time I was introduced to anime and fanfiction and Tumblr and all that. Anime and fanfic seemed to be my getaway from life as the months continued on. 

Last year sue announced that she was pregnant once again. I didn’t believe it at first but as it hit the eight month mark I finally had to come to belief of it. When he was born, my life changed forever, and not for the good. 

This leads to the current problems. Being the oldest out of five is really something that puts a huge weight on your shoulders especially since your parents are continuously fighting for one child custody and you being the one that represents the one potentially good side. 

Ok so my dad wants custody for my sister when she hits high school but my mum is refusing it. Because I live with my dad, it’s up to me to represent him because in the end he is better for her. But me and my dad haven’t been in good terms lately. Also because my dad and I aren’t doing to well with our relationship, my mum has started showing me love and care something that she usually lacks of. 

Anyway, so that’s leaving me confused because I have no idea where I am in the world. And my schooling isn’t doing to well either because I’m pretty much failing every class. So right now I’m just a confused fucked up being. I’m questioning a lot of things lately. I don’t know my sexuality. I don’t know where I belong in the world. I don’t know whether I belong in this world. I don’t know if I deserve to be in this world. I’m feeling neglected upon my family and some of my friends. I feel lost and hopeless. I feel guilty because I know that all my problems are some form or another my fault. I feel upset because I hardly ever get the attention I want. I haven’t had the affectionate attention for ages, I haven’t had the living care of affection from my family for months now. 

Being the oldest out of five isn’t always a happy thing to reflect on. i crave for the affectionate attention that i have been neglected of. Sure call me an attention whore, call me a slut, a bitch, an asshole, a fucking selfish bitch. I’ve heard it all from myself and my family. I feel like a huge burden to my family and even question my place in it. 

I have even gone as far as to violently scratch myself. And you know what’s worse? I actually enjoyed it. I enjoyed bringing myself pain and that scares me. I don’t want to think these things but I have no other choice to. Writing seems to be my break from everything, it’s my freedom and I’m often ripped away from that freedom. I’m a narcissist and there’s nothing that will change that and now you know why. 

I just needed to get this out to someone other than the people I know. If you made it this far, thank you for continuing this rant and I’m sorry if I wasted ur time. i just wanted to tell you that even if your life may suck a little bit right now, stop and consider the rest of the people, im not saying to just consider my life story, im not the only one in the world with many problems. im saying that even if you seem to have one big problem, take a step back and appreciate what you have, i dont have much to appreciate but dont let the small things bring you down. ive been unfortunate to let them get to me, but dont let them get to you. please

thats it for now, if you dont want to read my vents and rants, them skip them, theres probably going to be a lot more in the future.

#shadow rant #shadow shut up #shadow issues #shadow vent #shadow the narcissist