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blxetsi · 3 years

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armin arlert, mikasa ackerman, and eren jaeger polyamorous headcanons (modern au)

armin arlert x gn!reader, mikasa ackerman x gn!reader, eren jaeger x gn!reader, mikasa x armin x eren x gn!reader

warnings: uhh fluff, this is very long, reader has a gf b4 getting w ema,

this is like my first post since feb that isnt a request 😍😍😍 how did i pull this out of my ass

- obv eren, mikasa, and armin have been besties since childhood so its no wonder they all got together first 🤩🙏

- and theyre all hot so why wouldnt they wanna date each other

- i think armin and eren wouldve gotten together first, and then invited mikasa into their relationship

- the three of them have been officially going steady for like over a year now, and its going really well

- they didnt really expect you to drop into their lives tho

- youre an old friend of historia's and you two reconnected after you moved to the city, securing yourself a decent paying job working as a writer for the city paper

- you usually get the boring stuff, never able to get a good story to write about, focusing your time on heartwarming stories in the community or the sports column

- its boring but it pays the bills

- you were thankful when historia called you during your lunch and asked if you wanted to get drinks at a bar with her and a couple of other friends

- of course you said yes

- so historia and her girlfriend ymir picked you up after work, having dinner with them after a long week was the best, but you were a bit nervous to meet all of their friends

- thats how you met eren, mikasa and armin

- at first you were sure that mikasa and eren were dating, seeing as mikasa had her head on the taller man's shoulder, while his arm was wrapped around her

- but when armin leaned down to give mikasa a kiss before heading off to the bar you werent so sure

- ymir pulled you away to get more drinks and explained to you what the situation was, while commenting on the way you gawked at the three of them before

- you were embarassed to say the least but they didnt bring it up that night so you hoped the throuple didnt notice (they did)

- you really hit it off with all of them though, especially sasha and jean, and were constantly talked about among the friend group

- because of your demanding job dealing with writers block and deadlines you couldnt really meet up with all of them often, usually just having sleepovers at ymir and historia's apartment, the three of you drinking while you wrote on your laptop

- after a couple months of casual hangouts with historia and ymir and their friends, you kinda became one of them too which was nice

- you were added to the groupchat, you all followed each other on social media, and a certain brunet had taken a liking to you

- eren didnt know why exactly he was so attracted to you but he was, maybe it was your hair, or how pretty your skin looked even when oily or with breakouts, maybe it was your smile or your body or your sense of humor or you kindness or maybe it was all of it

- eren jaeger would always stay faithful to his boyfriend and girlfriend, but maybe they could add another person into the mix, more to love right ?

- he had only known you for a couple of months though, he didnt want to jump the gun and bring this up with his partners so soon, especially if they didnt feel the same way he did

- and it would be a bummer if you turned out to be a bad person or smth

- so summer rolls around with lots of memories being made with your new friends, as well as friends from work, and you get a girlfriend ??

- shes not really your girlfriend you two have only been out on a couple of dates and she kisses you a lot but, you havent talked about labels

- one night you, along with your friends are back at the same bar where you first met them

"so, tell us about the girl youre seeing." ymir says, smirking over her beer.

eren's ears perked up at the mention of you seeing someone. "girl ?"

historia nodded. "mhm ! y/n's been talking to someone recently, they've gone on dates and kissed and stuff."

"and stuff, jesus tori you make it sound like we've had sex." you sighed.

the blonde just laughed, leaning her body onto her freckled companion.

"well ? what about her ?" eren asks. armin slapped him on the arm, already having suspicions about eren's interest in you.

your shoulders sagged. "well, she's great and everything, truly..."

"but ? is there a but in this ?" connie asked. sasha started laughing at connie's use of the word but, while jean slapped the girl on the arm because of her reaction.

you shrugged, swirling what was left of your fruity cocktail in your glass. "well, i'm not sure. she's very lively, and sweet. but i don't know, i just don't see myself being able to be in a steady relationship with her."

"so you're gonna end it ?" eren asked. you thought he seemed a bit too eager about your failure in the love department.

"why do you care so much ? you like the thought of me being lonely ?" you shot back, before downing the rest of your drink.

"no i just-"

"i think what eren means is," mikasa intervened, her smooth voice calming you as she looked at you with a smile on her face. "is that there's no point in staying with her if you can't see yourself with her. don't lead her on."

you nodded. "you're exactly right my friend. which is the plan for tonight because i," you quickly checked the time on your phone. 8:17. "have a date with miss molly at nine, so i will be taking my leave."

the group engaged in a chorus of boos for leaving so early, while you chuckled and took the lighthearted insults thrown at you by sasha and connie with ease. grabbing all of your things you put down two twenties onto the table. "i'll see you guys later, have a goodnight." as you walked off you heard jean yell "have a good time you heartbreaker !" making you shake your head

- the date with molly went less then well. she yelled, and cried, and even tried hitting you at one point. your walk back from the park was spent blocking her on every form of social media you followed her on, and when you got back to your apartment you spent the night in a hot bath before retiring to bed

- meanwhile, armin and mikasa were trying to pry the truth out of eren, who was constantly denying his attraction to you

- finally mikasa took one for the team "eren, you aren't alone with the way you feel, i do too." this made eren more willing to open up to his partners

- armin doesnt say anything about you, only saying how youre kind. he doesnt feel the way that his girlfriend and boyfriend do, but he knows that may change

- soon enough, more time flies and christmas rolls around, with you all deciding to have a secret santa get together.

- historia invites everyone to her home on christmas eve, with ymir begrudgingly allowing it

- bertholdt and annie come too, reiner not being able to make it due to going home for christmas, while everyone else decided to stay in the city

- you picked out your secret santas at the beginning of november so you would all have enough time to find something for each other, you hoped whoever picked your name gave you something good

- after hours of games and karaoke and drinking you all decided it was time to open the presents

- ymir got socks from bertholdt, connie got an ugly beanie from ymir, historia got new pens from mikasa, mikasa got knitting needles from annie, annie got a dumbell from eren, jean got a not so appropriate t shirt from connie, jean gave sasha more comic books, armin gave new stationary paper to bertholdt, sasha gifted you that new biography you've been wanting to read and you gave armin your old copy of frankenstein by mary shelley

- he was surprised but very thankful, "how did you know i needed a new copy ?" "well i remember you said eren spilt water on your old one, and the pages just stuck together so i thought you might as well have mine"

- it warmed armin's heart that you remembered something so insignificant, and opened him up to the thought of being with you

- the rest of the night was spent with hugs and thankfulness, cheering when the clock struck 12 and it became christmas day

- after getting things cleaned up everyone decided it was time to leave, with armin, eren and mikasa offering to give you a ride home

- a ride where armin straight up kissed you in the backseat

- you stopped him of course, thinking that it was weird he would cheat on his partners right in front of them, while they were shocked all on their own for different reasons, armin who didnt have feelings for you KISSED you

- and surprisingly armin took the lead in explaining how he felt, why he kissed you, an apology for doing so, and an offer to start dating all three of them

- your heart was pounding in your ears and your entire face felt hot, it was probably the alcohol, or the way his lips felt so soft when they touched yours, so you said yes.

- its not smooth sailing from there

- youre kind of awkward

- this is your first relationship where you really feel like you could love these guys (you already do) but its also your first relationship with multiple people

- the trio start inviting you over more often, soon for sleepovers, and start inviting themselves over at your own place, mainly eren

- he just comes at random times, sometimes when youre not even there and waits for you, or stays and cleans up a bit before leaving

- armin and you share a deep love of literature, and you often find yourselves in hot debates about whatever youve read (mikasa and eren have to pry you two away before things get physical)

- mikasa likes to cook with you, she shares recipes that her mom taught her, and her and armin love to cook dinner together whereas eren is the breakfast maker of the household

- the first time you slept in the same bed as them you were so nervous your whole body thumped to the tune of your heartbeat, you were convinced armin could even hear it as he was laying beside you, but eren wrapped an arm around your waist, pulling you into his large chest before whispering "youre as stiff as a board, relax honey"

- eren snores, mikasa drools, armin has those dreams where you fall and then violently wake up before you hit the ground

- slowly but surely you stop thinking about your relationship as the trio and you, but as all of you together, and that really helps you come out of your shell a bit

- you may still be in the honeymoon phase, and there may be bumps along the way, but you like being with armin, eren, and mikasa. they make you so happy, it feels like the happiest youve been in a long time

- you like watching eren and armin dance in the living room while you and mikasa cuddle on the couch, before the boys pull you two up as well

- you like when armin reads to you, his soft voice reciting the words of the great gatsby

- you like it when eren can just tell youve had a rough day, and pulls you into a hug like hes protecting you from all the bad things in the world

- you love being with them. you love them. and you think that theyre it for you

i rushed the ending bc im fucking tired but i kinda wanna do a poly!series with like sasha, connie and jean, or annie, bertholdt and reiner, or any other poly ships u guys may request !

so yeah pls give me feedback it rlly helps me figure out whether you want a polyamorous series (or just like what i write in general), and it would be my first series ever which would be super cool anyways

yeah requests open for poly!ships anyways

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beetleboo · 3 years

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long post. one i’ve been trying to make for a while now. hell, i wrote this like... third week of may. didn’t post it until now because i didn’t know if I wanted to.

but something i want to lay out, been wanting to lay out for months. dont want to talk to anyone about it, just want to put the info out there for it to be seen.

if you re/blog this i will block you. i may put this on the relevant sideblog at some point.

because 2020 was the worst year on record for me for a number of reasons, and it’s torn me down to the lowest point i’ve been in a long time, and this is just. everything that’s gone down. not a callout post, no one gets named, but these are all the events

partially in relation to my fandom sideblog, because that’s where i had community, and where it’s all just. gone. doesnt exist anymore.

i started up a server, ages ago now. somewhere i curated to be a positive and safe space for things, and for a while, it was that.

around the end of 2019, spilling over to the start of 2020 when it picked up, i found, both on my blog and in discord spaces, in particular the server i ran, that people no longer talked to me. no one would hold a conversation with me past a few basic responses, no one replied to anything i shared, no one engaged when i tried to start discussions. so i pulled back from the main server - S1. thought it was just a lull in activity. stayed that way for weeks, months, and I just muted the server. no one ever cared about anything i had to say. was lucky if anything i posted got even a token emoji react

was in another, smaller server - S2. people i talked to damn near every day, even in voice. played games together - that became... no fun simply because everyone else was so much better/further ahead in the game. i was completely useless, so didn’t server a function in game and never really felt like anyone actively wanted me around, but i still participated in chat.

but again, no one ever responded to anything I posted beyond maybe a token react

couple people discussing something one day. I contributed with Theory A, and quite immediately got that shut down. few minutes later, they rephrased exactly what I said and happily nattered away. so whatever I said wasn’t worth it when it came out of my mouth but if they talked about it, it was all well and valid. so again, between that specific experience and no one interacting with me, nor anything I post. server muted. treatment taught me no one cared about my presence there.

gave admin rights to S1, my server, to someone I trusted. two requests only: dont delete channels and let me know if you want to invite anyone (since I kept it private)

RYE (i’m just assigning random three letter names to people to keep this straight) posted public invites several times. never asked me. one of the two things i asked. brought it up with them that it bothered me, just got vague noncomittal responses. more public invites. eventually, after having the server muted for months, i handed over full control and left. that was almost a full year ago. none of the people have talked to me in that entire year, through discord or here or anything.

except RYE who sent me a message after a couple months like ‘wow i havent heard from you in a while hope you’re doing ok’. i wasn’t. after a bit but still the same day, i said as much. that i wasn’t doing well. they never responded. and i don’t mean like, they didn’t respond that day. i mean i literally never heard from them until months later when they sent me a meme and also didn’t respond to me commenting on that meme.

and this is one side of things. all of the above was the first half of the year. this next bit happened about. march2020? I was in another server - S3. another place that was a good space at the time. was in voice chat with two other people. started talking about one thing. MIN very suddenly said something along the lines of ‘i don’t care about this i’ll come back when you’re done’

this is one of the very few things that can trigger me - i’ve had a lot of people talk down to me if I dare look excited about anything. when they came back, i asked if they could try to just. depart conversations more softly. MIN always said ‘if i do anything hurtful to you just tell me! i dont want to do that kind of thing!’

this was clearly a lie as they exploded on me, telling me they always have to walk on eggshells around me, that I ask so many things from them. before what I asked them that day, I can only recall one other thing i asked (which was not to talk about a person who was abusive towards me, and they were like ‘yea sure np’ about that, over a year prior’)

the whole thing turned into basically me having to shut down the fact that i was hurt by what they did, had to ignore that now and i had to fawn and placate them and the only thing i got out of that was that my feelings were irrelevant, only theirs.

(incidentally, I have had two other people turn on me in similar ways, accusing me of doing shifty/bad/terrible things, and not being willing to tell me what they are when I ask, only saying that ‘i should know what i did’ so that’s also now a Fun New Bit Of Trauma.)

and that entire weeklong event lead me straight to a breakdown. literal genuine breakdown i cannot convey how devastating that entire scenario was without going into far too many details.

so between all of these things happening in less than six months, with three different community spaces folding and collapsing and fading away from me, with many of the friends i thought i had just. moving on to other things and dropping me. people i talked to every day just not bothering with me anymore. they all have gone on to other stuff and no one ever went ‘hey beets wanna see what i’m up to’ or ‘wanna do this thing with me’

a handful of instances of me saying ‘yeah i’m dealing with these fears that have been reinforced lately that people aren’t safe to deal with, even thought part of me knows they’re probably irrational it feels like i have evidence to back it up’ and people immediately take it personally like i’m saying they’re not safe. despite. me outright saying. i know logically it should be irrational. but their reactions just reinforce it so it’s just a loop and tells me, again, never to bring up any of my problems with anyone.

so this all just reinforces that there’s something wrong with me. couple years back i spoke to a friend and how i was frustrated that I seemed to end up in bad spaces and they said ‘well you’re the one thing in common so its probably your fault’ and obviously they’re not my friend anymore but that has affected me so deeply. i can’t do anything without overthinking, whenever anything goes wrong i tear apart everything i’ve done and everything i’ve said or thought and i don’t know why things keep going bad. i try so hard but i’m just. not right.

so it all teaches me that there’s no point in reaching out in trying to talk to people because if i say ‘hey this hurt me’ i get ignored at best or torn down, yelled at, scolded. no point in trying to talk to new people because everyone just walks away at some point. not even a natural drift apart, i can handle that. but just very suddenly, they’re gone, off with better people doing better things.

roundabout, ties back to ‘consumption versus community’ - this is why i’ve been struggling so hard with lack of engagement on my sideblog. lucky to get a dozen notes on anything i make, unless it’s something other people can use (like mods) and even THEN it’s rare to see much activity. and that was FINE because i had people to talk to elsewhere, who would ask questions and we could back and forth and i shared my stuff and they shared those and it didnt matter if my posts only got a dozen notes because i had friends to talk to.

now i get (example) seven notes, six of which are likes and one is a reblog with no commentary. when i have something with a ton of notes, still, minimal commentary, no one talks to me. even on a mod with five hundred notes it just feels like i went ‘hey i made something :)’ and everyone picked it up and walked away with it, no one went ‘hey this is cool i want to talk to the person who made it.’

and it just feels like 95% of the time, i’m just overlooked.

and it’s worse than it’s ever been in my entire life, and I wonder, what’s the point of any of this anymore.

why bother to make the posts to share when it all just gets passed by. what’s the point in trying to reach out to new people and make friends when i get lashed out at or left behind? the social is gone out of my social media. i had community, and now it’s gone.

so this has all been going on for months and months and months and hey! suffering. and i dont expect it to get any better, don’t expect this post to fix these issues, but i’ve been trying to say something about all of this for fucking months and i think just, laying it all out is all I can do about it. i’m sure i’ve forgotten some things to touch on but as it is, all these events, all of it happening all together. new traumas, old traumas reawoken, reinforced, i’ve been torn to pieces i don’t know how to function, i can’t remember the last time i felt like even half a real person. taught that the safe, positive spaces that meant so much to me don’t actually exist and they’ll all turn on me and be torn away. nowhere is safe anymore, and trying to make it safe is just going to ruin me again.

people aren’t safe, places aren’t safe, been proven to me time and time again so i just. stay away.

no matter how much i try to fight that, it just doesnt work.

anyway tl;dr beets needs therapy probably

#beetleposts #miserytag

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wri0thesley · 3 years

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many many anons under the cut bc i didn’t want anyone to feel like i was ignoring them and i wanted to respond to u all! warning for small text too, it was so long i wanted to make it look smaller fgbnjkgkjn

Anonymous asked: NAT... you can write WHATEVER you want! It's your blog, and I hope that rude anons can learn to respect that. I used to be on your blog just for jjba content too, so when you started getting into jjk I was indifferent but eventually you dragged me into jjk so hard!! I already like bnha, so seeing you write for it only made me happier! I hope that you continue to write whatever make YOU happy:) ❤and yes, longer fics certainly doesnt mean it's better, quality over quantity

ahh i’m happy that you are here for all three!! i always feel so accomplished when someone is like ‘your constant screaming made me think about jjk <3′. all three of the fandoms are fairly popular and i tag everything v carefully so i hope people who do use the filtering find that useful!!!

Anonymous asked: Goodness gracious. People really be out there thinking they're entitled to dictating what kind of content you should be making

i think part of it might be that i do take requests so people feel like they have like . . . a certain right to certain kinds of my content? i take requests mostly bc they keep me motivated, i like making content for ppl who cant find what they want bc i’ve Been There, but maybe people think i am a pushover? idk i am just trying to have a good time!!!

Anonymous asked: Hi. I only started following you a few days ago but please ignore that rude anon. People are so fucking entitled towards writers it's insane. I recently had someone throw a fit for "spoiling" something in my fanfic, even though the fic was about a manga-exclusive character, so what did they expect?? Overall I've really enjoyed your writing so random assholes coming to guilt you is just a shitty thing that happens. Keep going with what you wanna do.

ah gosh anon i’m sorry about that :(. i’m always super careful tagging spoilers and stuff but like, if someone clicks on a fic about say, naoya or the steel ball run boys and is mad that i spoil something they havent found out yet . . . yeah thats on them fgbnkjgfkjn

Anonymous asked: That...that anon had the nerve to say "we". The fuck?! No no no anon, YOU'RE the only one talking and you're just talking for yourself, don't you dare try and lump us other anons/followers up with you to make yourself look like you're right. We love you nat and we appreciate you. It's your blog, you're allowed to write about whoever and whatever. This brain dead anon just needs to either go read someone else if they're that salty or write their own stuff if they're that impatient.

gosh i WISH some of my mad anons would just write their own stuff honestly. idk if this anon thought they were talking for everybody but i guess they expected anons to agree with them and not be mad at them. i appreciate u anon ;_;

Anonymous asked: Just want to say that ily and you’re one of the best jojo fanfic writers in my opinion 💗 I don’t think you’re half assing jojo fics and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you being multi fandom. A lot of jojo blogs have started posting about jjk so it’s not as if you’re the only one. I’m not sure why you get hate like this but I think it’s just because you’re one of the popular writers and that makes people bitter for whatever reason. Keep being you and posting about the things that make you happy 💕

honestly after so long writing for jojo - i’ve written well over 200 jojo reader insert fics - sometimes it feels like i’m retreading stuff, and that’s when i take a break bc i dont wanna half-ass stuff!!! i love all of my fellow jojo friends who are posting about jjk too, i appreciate them <3.

Anonymous asked: Hey my dude, ur writing has really grown since the jojo days and its better and awesome seeing u become happier to branch off and write in different fandoms 🤌🤌 those stupid anons are just boring farts that couldnt be bothered making their own content 😤😤 is it possible to block them to ease ur mind?

hello anon!! i run a statcounter for IPs but it doesnt always work for ppl who access through the tumblr app, i don’t think; a lot of the anon hate i get i just use the ‘block’ option, but last night got to me because i’ve been getting that kind of writer a lot which is . . . a bad look for the jojo fandom who are, as a whole from the ones i’ve interacted with, lovely!!! <3

Anonymous asked: People often forget, the person behind art or writing, is just another regular fan. You deserve to be happy with what you create and we should be thankful you share your talent with us. You also have right to change your main interests, and it's very normal thing. Jojo is one of the MANY things that you write for and all you get from that is a like or share. Its not your job. It's your fun thing to do, in spare time. You haven't betrayed anybody. That person was just rude, selfish and bored.

i am just a person doing my best!!! anime fanfic is one of many interests i have and i already devote a lot of time to it honestly, i love when people tell me they’ve enjoyed something i made bc it makes it feel worthwhile but equally it gets to me a lot when people are rude because i am usually trying my hardest.

Anonymous asked: Bro that jjba anon... the entitlement🤮 Fam, you write whatever you want to write😤 -Saturday

dfnjbkjnkgf i find most fic readers are NOT entitled at all and are just grateful but when they are . . . oof.

Anonymous asked: It's funny how people throw "we got you popular" and they think you start apologize and cry. Your writing and passion made you gain few numbers on a follow counter, nothing more. I think I'm too old for stuff like this, we are nothing more, but +1 on a number scale. You ow us nothing, we ow you nothing. Popular... Funny word. You just write for fun of it, fake scenarios about someone's manga characters. It's not that deep. Have fun and don't listen to people like this. I knew it's not that easy, but they are really not that important as they think they are.

extremely fun fact for people who think ‘popularity’ is important to me: i would 100% rather have 10 people who regularly comment, reblog my fics with tags and interact with me than 100 people who read my fic and either leave a like or simply move on. i think this is true for the VAST MAJORITY of writers tbh. i’m glad that people think i am a ‘popular’ blog (i am not in the grand scheme of things, one of my ex-best friends used to run a kpop reader insert blog with like 30,000 followers) bc it gives me an ego boost lmao, but i really just want people to read and enjoy the stuff i write!!!

Anonymous asked: I followed you a while ago for jojo and when my friends started getting into jjk i was like...eh sounds like work...but now that I see you writing for it I feel really motivated to get into it!!! I really enjoy your writing and I want to be able to read the new stuff too!

ah anon i really hope you like it!!! it’s only one season rn if u wanna watch the anime and there isn’t too much of the manga to catch up on either but it is a lot of fun and it’s nice to be in a fandom that’s like, excited about a new chapter and new plot developments every week!

Anonymous asked: Pls dont reply if u dont want to! <3 I'm not sure if this will be of any help to you or not but this is the kind of thing that often helps me and is the only way I know to try comfort others so I wanted to give it a go~

Now im not gonna say 'dont feel bad pls' bc I know that's not really useful but what I do think is useful is just discussing why that anon and many others feel the need to respond that way. As someone who follows a lot of writing blogs myself and have done for a long time, i've seen my handful of favourite writers come and go for different reasons, lose motivation for a while, gain motivation for a while, go from multi to single fandom, or single fandom to multi. Often times as a reader it can be upsetting when things change but it's also important as a reader to understand that some things aren't in anyone's control, I can't control what my favourite writers become a fan of or lose interest of, I can't control things in their personal lives that may motivate or demotivate them to write, but what I can do is support them as long as they're active, and if they move on to do things i'm no longer interested in or i'm the one that changed interests, rather than being upset that they're evolving to do other things or that they're not evolving with me, I think it's important that I still feel thankful for the works that I enjoyed while we were still on the same page and this is how I personally deal with those negative feelings. I think the anons that lash out at you probably just dont know what to do with themselves, maybe they got attached to your works while you were still only a jjba blog and now that you're evolving they're upset, while I understand how they feel, they're going the completely wrong way about it. I've learned to take these things and turn them into something positive for myself or at least something bittersweet that I can move on from but the anons that lash out at you for whatever reason probably haven't learned this yet. Maybe it's because i've moved on and changed interests a lot myself that I know how these things go for both writers and readers but those anons maybe haven't experienced this as much so they dont know what to do with themselves other than complain that you've changed and throw insults at you in an attempt to get you to revert back. None of this is because of the quality of your writing like they want you to believe, it's literally just because you've evolved and while some of your old followers might not like the new content for no reason other than it not being their cup of tea, it's definitely not regressed at all. You are pumping out a lot of content right now but every single thing i've read has just been better than the last. Things that really stand out to me is how well you get characterisation down to a T and all of your dialogue is just on point and from the pov of a reader I think those things seem the hardest to get right so I am such a huge fan of your stuff at the moment and I can tell you're really putting so much thought and care into each and every fic no matter how fast you're producing it, I think the fact that you're also proud of what you're writing at the moment really shines through as well and I just adore the passion that radiates from every completed request as well as in the responses for the subsequent thirsts resulting from these works that appear in your ask box later (I know i've sent quite a few by now~)

Just to be clear i'm not defending those anons in any way, while I can understand what they might be feeling/why they're reacting in the way they are I still believe it's just so immature to be hateful online point blank. Even during a time where I still got upset with writers if they started doing something else I still never targeted that negativity directly to the writer and sending rude or hateful comments whether on anon or not never something i'd stooped low enough to do even when I still had an immature way of thinking, however, I hope that it might make it a little easier to brush them off if we try and understand what they're really upset about, and that they're just putting the blame for their negative feelings onto the wrong thing rather than coming to terms with change themselves.

hello anon!! i appreciate the long message. i do feel bad for people who have no interest in what i’m currently producing and i get that they feel upset about it; i’ve watched a lot of fellow jojo writers move on completely or just stop posting, honestly. this kind of thing is why i was so intense about asking people if it would be better if i made a separate blog but the resounding answer seemed to be ‘i’m just vibing with whatever happens and i’ll block tags as needed’.

i often return to works by my favourite reader-insert writers who no longer write for the fandoms i like (and i read stuff bc it sounds interesting or i trust the person who writes it), but change can be difficult and i guess at this point i’ve - whether u like me or not lmao - been a fixture in jojo reader-insert tumblr for a While so it’s probably kind of jarring.

anyway i really appreciate you and the nice words! <3

Anonymous asked: hi nat! I just wanted to pop in and say that regardless of what fandom you write for, the love and care you pour into your writing and into interacting with followers who care about your work as well is really obvious. you're doing this for FREE and people should appreciate what you've given us so far, since ultimately this blog should be for you, whatever that means to you at any point in time. it's ok to jump fandoms! the important thing is that you feel good about what you're producing and that it makes you happy. everyone else is just a bonus - but, seeing you on my dash certainly makes me happy : ) I hope you feel better soon!

thank you anon! i’m feeling much better and happier today. birthdays are very difficult for me (i did not think i’d be alive at eighteen, much less 25!) so this event is definitely kind of a way for me to concentrate on something else, and i’m a little bit extra sensitive atm. i appreciate you so much, thank you for the kind words!!! <3

Anonymous asked: Hello! I just wanted to say, write what YOU want and make YOUR writings as long as you'd like. 💖 To the anon who is like "We mAdE yOu FaMoUs dOnt HalF asS iT" stfu, let people do what they wanna do. If you think they half do it, write something better and longer you asshat.

this is an open invitiation to that anon to send me a link to their writing blog and i’ll hype them up i promise <3

Anonymous asked: nat i'm so so sorry about that ask please know that your older followers don't share the same opinion :( sometimes people forget about the living, breathing person behind the screen smh. you are not a machine. you absolutely should not restrict yourself to posting about one fandom forever. yes, we're first pulled in by your amazing content, but we stay for your wonderful personality and work ethic. please just keep being you, taking up projects you feel comfy with! <333 bless u

ahh thank u anon! unfortunately i actually am a writing robot, i’m sorry u had to find out this way. my jojo chip has been removed, please send it back so i can continue to not half-ass my jojo work. fgnjkbgjkfn thank you so much angel!!! i appreciate you ;_;.

Anonymous asked: i don’t think it’s fair for other people to say shit about what you choose to write about because on tumblr and other writing platforms, writers are constantly developing how they write and the fandoms that they write for. it’s not fair for someone to criticize that “you don’t care about jjba blah blah blah” because you can enjoy new shows/manga. and like you said you’ve grown so much!! proud of you nat and im glad that ive been able to read your works (sincerely other nat)

i am STILL waiting for you to come and fight me other nat fgnjkbnf. it’s nice to be enjoying different things! i am constantly learning new things and reading new works and making new friends and improving and i think that’s important. i do care about jjba - a lot! but i can care about other things too! <3

Anonymous asked: I may not be one of your oldest followers, but i've been here for almost 3 years. Yes, i started following u for ur jojo content, but let me tell u, ur newfound motivation and enthusiam for other fandoms was honestly contagiuos for me. And i say this as a person who finds very difficult to move from one interest to another. Jojo is great, but so are other fandoms. Please don't let some faceless scum rob u that motivation. This is ur blog and u r always free to write whatever u want.

honestly, i have been there! i am autistic and i have special interests and watching other people move on to stuff i’m not vibing with has made me sad in the past, but i want people to be happy more than anything and sometimes that means new things and change! <3

Anonymous asked: Hi Nat! I saw that rude anon message & I just wanted to pop in & say that they're wrong. You're not betraying anyone & you should write whatever it is you want to write. I followed you for jojo & I'm not familiar with the other fandoms that you write for, but personally it makes me SO happy to see you enjoying new things! It's always good to find joy wherever you can, so keep writing what you're interested in. There a lot of ppl who want to see you happy and healthy <3

honestly the idea of it being a GRAND BETRAYAL is so funny, i am just writing anime fanfic here and thriving!!! tysm anon! <3

Anonymous asked: Those anons can piss off! They have no right to judge how long or how short your writing is. If they want longer content write it their damn selves. I think your writing has improved wonderfully and I originally followed for Jojo and I'm enjoying all the content period. I don't even watch jujutsu ( not my cup of tea personally) but I love seeing the creativity and the interactions. You write what makes you happy Nat and that's on that! You don't owe anybody anything! I know how hard writing is and when your consuming new content it's hard to make content for something else. That doesn't mean you don't like it any more your just doing something different for a while. Love you and your content and I'm enjoying the love your putting into your content whether long or short. ♥♥💕 Sending love your way!

honestly my idea of ‘short content’ is still over 1k words, i’m not good at reeling myself in! i guess it’s bc they see like, 1.5k jojo fic versus 5k jjk fic but it’s not that i didn’t enjoy the first fic, just that the point and the story came a lot quicker and so did the natural end! thank you anon, i appreciate you ;_;

Anonymous asked: Hello! Just wanted to let your know that I think your writing is awesome, and that you should write for whoever and for whatever you want to! You dont have to stay loyal to one fandom or anything, and your followers shouldn't expect that from you! It's not like they are paying you to write, you are doing this for free, and because you enjoy it and it makes you happy! If they dont like your stuff, they dont have to follow you, they can go to other blogs that cater to their taste, and they definitely don't need to be sending you such hurtful comments, and they dont get to make you feel sad about your writing! Just because they followed you during your earlier stages of writing, doesn't mean you owe them some type of loyalty or compensation! You can write literally whatever you want as long as it makes you happy! That's what your hobby and your blog are for! I hope you know that alot of your followers love your work and think that you are an amazing writer and are down to support the work that makes you happiest! 💖💖

ahh thank you so much anon!!! i am always so bowled over by how many people are nice to me when something like this happens, i am sending you my love <3

Anonymous asked: don’t listen to them!! we love you as a writer no matter what you write, because you’re a good person and a talented writer!! you shouldn’t have to change what you write to please a bitter person, and if they only want jjba, they can go to another blog instead of bringing you down. you’re doing amazing and they should be thankful you grace us with your talents!!

to be totally honest, if i was half-assing or not vibing with content i was making i just. wouldn’t post it. like you’d be able to TELL when i was half-assing stuff just to get words out (source: i have re-read my own nanowrimo works). there are lots of great jjba blogs who could do with more followers n interaction!!! i hope they do find them and i hope they’re nice to them :(.

Anonymous asked: Please don’t pay attention to that anon. People only have that confidence when they have anon turned on. Them looking through your blog despite feeling that way is peak fan behavior and speaks to how addicting your writing is. Naturally, you can’t please everyone and there will be people who are irrational and feel entitled to tell you what to do or what to write no matter what. Trust me when I say they’re a small minority and are more likely probably passing viewers rather than regulars. I check your blog about three or more times a day because I love reading not just your fics but also your takes, banter with other anons, or even random updates. Brainrot posts? LOVE TO SEE IT!!! Desk update? AMAZING!!! With that being said, don’t feel pressured to continue pushing out content for others. Write what makes you happy! You’ve been writing for JJBA for 4 years and it’s completely normal + healthy to get into new media. I’m not sure if it would mean much, but your love for JJK has gotten me excited to start it too!!

anon i really hope you enjoy it!!! sometimes these anons remember stuff i’ve posted and said better than i do tbh, i am living in their heads rent free i guess!

Anonymous asked: I've been following you for a couple of years and honestly it would always be a joy to see when you posted. Your writing has improved and I'm very happy you're enjoying yourself ! I know it hurts hearing and seeing stuff like that but I'm happy you're here. I'm honestly blessed everytime you post. Your writing is phenomenal. I love reading it even if its characters that I dont care for. You capture their essences so well and weave an amazing tale within the prompts and whatnot. You're amazing nat!

wehh thank you so much!!! re: the improvement, i really don’t feel like it has and then i re-read something i wrote when i first started and i’m like oh my god maybe it has. did i really write about jotaro acting like that.

Anonymous asked: Hi Nat. I recently became a follower of yours and I'm really saddened to see you get hate. You seem like a genuinely sweet person with amazing talent! I'm a writer myself and, unfortunately, get the same kind of comments. And when you get those comments, it doesn't leave you feeling motivated. People need to understand that people can and will, at times, grow out of fandoms. (1 Not just that but you're doing all of this for free. Again, I'm sorry you got such a comment. But please know that I'm proud of how far you've come. I'm proud that you're living a life that makes you happy. And no matter what fandom you may find yourself in next, I will always enjoy your writing. Take care of yourself. (2 end

HELLO NEW FOLLOWER I LOVE YOU (i get a lot more a day now than i used to and i feel guilty about not being able to look through so many blogs but i do try and follow back other writers for my fandoms!! ;_;). i’m sorry you get the same kind of comments! i’m always just happy to see people i like enjoying new things, even if i have no interest in it (hello to all of my mutuals who write for hunter x hunter and haikyuu, not interested but i’m sure you’re having a great time and i support you!!!).

Anonymous asked: I'm sure you're getting a barrage of supportive messages now (at least I hope so) but I figured I'd add my voice, because I'm a longtime follower. Your writing is, and always has been, wonderful. I've been so happy to see you and Haz get to a place that works for you both. Idk if it's obvious for everyone, but you seem like you're emotionally in a pretty good place most of the time these days, and it makes me really happy to see that. I followed years ago for JJBA content, but I stayed because regardless of what content you put out, I find your wit delightful. And I'll stick around even if you move fandoms entirely, because whatever content or editorializing you produce is going to be worth reading, regardless of what it's for.

ahh, anon!! thank you for sticking around so long, sorry if you’re old enough to have been around the vore and jorts and spider rohan fiascos! <3 i am definitely a lot more stable than i have been and - barring the Pandemic Related Mental Health Issues - happier! i’m glad that it’s noticeable! <3

Anonymous asked: It actually makes me mad how entitled some people are. Nat, you're not a content creating machine and those who expect you to be are not worth wasting a thought on. Your love for something is not measured in word counts and for you to write every day without getting burned out in the slightest you really must have a burning passion and huge dedication to your craft. If others decide to send hate then allow me to send admiration because I can feel your love and hard work in each post you make!

i try and write every day bc it’s super good for my little ocd/autistic brain to have routines and distract itself, so i’m glad other people can enjoy them because that makes me motivated to carry on! like, i write for myself mostly bc the content i want i sometimes get find, but filling requests and writing for other people also leaves me with happy warm fuzzies too! i appreciate you!! <3

Anonymous asked: If people only care about your writing for the jojo porn that’s on THEM, not you. Your writing was amazing when I followed about a year ago, and it’s only gotten better and will continue to get better! I think it really comes through when you enjoy what you’re writing and it adds a whole other layer of worth to it, because not only are you making free content but you LIKE that content and we can all gush about it together!!! More than just fans, I think you’ve created a community here and we don’t just stick around to read smut, I promise you that. -Reronon

i do miss having a discord community bc it was nice to talk to everyone in real time but it was hard work, i am glad that people feel like they can just come into my askbox and gush! i’m not very friendly in real life and people tend to think i am cold and stuck up so i work very hard to try and seem friendly and approachable online, which is much easier for me because i get to think and re-draft before i type! <3

Anonymous asked: Hi Nat! I’m sure you’re getting a lot of messages like this right now but I just wanted to say for what it’s worth that, as a person who originally followed you for jjba content and hasn’t watched/read any of the other series you’re currently writing for, I’m honestly still along for the ride. This is your blog and you’re allowed to do what you want with it and put out what content you feel like writing. Sometimes??? People acquire new interests??????? Shocking! I know absolutely nothing about jjk or bnha but out of curiosity still read some of your posts about them and even though I might not Get It, I still enjoy them because I think you’re a very talented writer! Honestly, as long as you’re still writing, I’m still down to clown, and whenever you take breaks (which are important!) I’ll still be waiting for your return or supporting and respecting your decision to stay away longer. Don’t let the entitled assholes get you down. Utilize YOUR blog and YOUR space however YOU choose. Your talent and kindness speak for themselves. Love you!!! ❤️❤️❤️

anon i care about you and i am so appreciative of you and everyone for sending me such nice messages! i am running out of ways to say it but it’s true, it really does mean a lot to me ;_; <3

#nat.txt

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all-hail-the-witcher · 4 years

Text

jaskier’s breakup album

alright full disclosure i probably went into way more detail than i needed to. but jaskiers a dramatic little shit and therefore so am i. but this album slowly became my baby and I've been listening to it for the last 2 weeks while I've been doing homework and its a good sad bop. these are just my opinions, but i think it would be cool to see what other people think (esp because im fairly new to this fandom). also this post is really long. sorry about that.

so. we all know jaskier is a bard. he traipses around writing songs about whatever fling he's having or about his witcher. netflix canon makes it pretty clear that geralt is one of jaskiers muses (and probably one of his more reliable ones given what we know about jaskiers dating history). jaskier is also very, very dramatic (as I'm sure everyone knows cause he's the damn comic relief that show desperately needs). in particular though the scene at the beginning of 1x05 where geralt is djinn hunting and jaskier stumbles upon him, drunk, singing off key, and rambles about how "the countess de stael, my muse and beauty of this world, has left me. again. rather coldly and unexpectedly, i might add. i fear i shall die a broken hearted man” and jaskier is clearly half muttering some sad attempt at a breakup song he's trying to write at the beginning of the episode so the question is, wouldn't he do the same thing post mountain scream down with geralt?

the answer is of course, yes he would because jaskier is nothing if not a dramatic little shit. and i am proposing that he writes not only one but an entire album (or set if this is canon era, but if this is canon i think he would keep a great many of these songs to himself, only playing a few select ones with the hopes that someday geralt will hear one and realize how badly he fucked up) of break songs and lamentations about geralt, because say all you want about what their relationship is, but one does not simply go traipsing around the entire continent with someone for 20 years and not grow close to them in some way shape or form (and the show makes it clear that geralt is at least one of jaskiers close friends so). now what is on this breakup album? well I'm glad you asked.

i peg jaskiers music (modern or canon honestly) for this album as being a combination of taylor swift’s folklore/evermore albums and james arthur and ill explain why.

taylor swifts folklore/evermore albums have this almost ethereal, floaty, reminiscent, indie vibes. there are many metaphors, recurring themes and its overall kinda dramatic at points which i feel is exactly what jaskier would be doing right now (it also just kinda gives me canon era vibes, idk). but james arthurs music is much more emotionally intense which i think is definitely in character for jaskier at this point because he strikes me as someone who copes with things through his music. both artists do the sings through story telling in an almost monologue manner which goes along with that kinda bardic music and all that. i also think that jaskier would want geralt to know that these songs are about him because hes dramatic like that (kinda like how taylor swift writes her stuff). anyway here's what i think would be on his breakup album:

heres a link to the playlist

1. the lakes - taylor swift 2. from me to you i hate everybody - james arthur 3. maybe - james arthur 4. sad eyes - james arthur 5. hoax - taylor swift 6. naked - james arthur 7. right where you left me - taylor swift 8. all too well - taylor swift 9. impossible - james arthur 10. exile - taylor swift 11. illicit affairs -taylor swift 12. safe inside - james arthur 13. quite miss home -james arthur 14. my tears ricochet -taylor swift 15. phoenix - james arthur 16. this is me trying - taylor swift 17. happiness - taylor swift 18. death by a thousand cuts - taylor swift 19. empty space - james arthur 20. coney island - taylor swift 21. new years day - taylor swift 22. the 1 -taylow swift

so theres 22 songs which im sure jaskier would do on purpose cause hes a dramatic little shit ( “one song for every year i wasted on you” or something of that sort). jaskier being a dramatic little shit is going to be a recurring theme. some of them work better for modern era than canon era but as a whole this can be interpreted as either romantic or platonic. anyway lets unpack.

1. the lakes by taylor swift (more canon era interpretation)

this song is the bonus and final track off of folklore. the song is actually about how she wants to go live in seclusion with her boyfriend out of the public eye but that is not what it means in this interpretation. i think that this song is about how jaskier feels as though his career as a bard is tainted now because he spent so many years singing geralts praises and there is no way he will be able to escape that part of his life because undoubtedly hes going to get requests for toss a coin and others he wrote about geralt and people will probably know him as “the witchers bard”. so this song is him talking about how he wants to run away and live out his life in seclusion because geralt took from him one of the only happinesses in his life.

Take me to the lakes, where all the poets went to die I don't belong, and my beloved, neither do you Those Windermere peaks look like a perfect place to cry I'm settin' off, but not without my muse

the line “i dont belong and my beloved neither do you” references the fact that jaskier feels like an outcast now that he’s spent years traveling around with a witcher, notoriously outcasts from society, so he feels that he doesnt belong anymore either.

I want auroras and sad prose I want to watch wisteria grow Right over my bare feet 'Cause I haven't moved in years And I want you right here

the second stanza references his idealization of living out his life in solitude, with nature, where no one can judge him (and geralt cant yell at him).

jasper would have started this album with that song because it states his intentions: he feels as though he’s done with singing. it could also refer to him leaving the public eye (in modern era) to write this album.

2. from me to you i hate everybody by james arthur (more canon era interpretation)

songs 2-4 on jaskiers album are ones that he wrote at various points while he and geralt were still together/best friends/etc. these three songs establish what the relationship was like before everything went downhill, but they are kind of melancholy, like looking back on a past love (which is what jaskier is doing). this one jaskier wrote about when they met. geralt would have heard him play it before and he would have known that this song was about him (he probably also secretly liked it and jaskier putting it on his album would have been like a slap in the face because it wasn't one that he had shared with other people, thinking it to be too personal). if this album had been released in modern era, jaskier would have released this song as a single to get geralts attention. he would have definitely wanted geralt to know that this album was about him.

I used to come here on my own and drink So I didn't have to think or hear the whispering I stand with people telling lies again In suits and ties again and I just need a friend

they meet in the tavern and its clear that jaskier is Not having a good time and really just needs a friend, hence why he decides to go talk to geralt.

You walked into the room and cut the atmosphere like a knife, alright Sobering mind 'cause up to now, I've just been wasting my time, ooh yeah

the “wasting my time” part is of particular interest because it clearly articulates that jaskier feels as though adventuring around with geralt was the best part of his life and before that he'd just been a bard with debatable songs. the song as a whole makes it sound like geralt was jaskiers lifeline.

3. maybe by james arthur (modern or canon era works)

this song, while geralt would know immediately it was about him, was not one jaskier ever shared with geralt. it would have been written a few years after he and geralt had met initially. the reason that jaskier never shared it was because it talks about destiny and geralt made it Very Clear that he does not want to fuck with destiny.

I don't know what's going on Where you came from and why you took so long All I know is that I feel it Like it's the realest thing, I mean it Something changed when I saw you Oh, my eyes can't lie You said, "They're so damn blue And I love how you're so forward Is it too soon to say I'm falling?"

this would have been what young jaskier felt over the course of a few years after traveling around (or befriending if this is modern). There was probably a slip up somewhere, or jaskier just thought that he got really good at interpreting geralts grunts and the line about the eyes is what he hoped/imagined/thought geralt was saying to him in return.

So maybe Maybe we were always meant to meet Like this was somehow destiny Like you already know Your heart will never be broken by me So is it crazy For you to tell your friends to go on home? So we can be here all alone Fall in love tonight And spend the rest of our lives as one

jaskier probably thinks that destiny is some wildly romantic thing hence why he compares them meeting to destiny. the line about heart break would have also hit especially hard after the mountain scene. also i think its pretty clear that jaskier wants to spend as much of his life traipsing around with geralt in the show (modern era wouldn't have been any different), hence wanting to spend the rest of his life with geralt.

Oh, is it too crazy For you to tell your brothers about me? They told me they'll protect you But I'll look them in the eye Tell them you and I will be as one

this is the part that sells it for me. i think that geralt lambert and eskel would all be very close (admittedly i havent read the books but i kinda get that vibe from the fandom so). this part about geralt telling his bothers about jaskier and then jaskier probably meeting them would have been an Important Moment.

4. sad eyes by james arthur (modern or canon works)

aright so im not sure if geralt has heard this one before. i can see it going both ways. its a possibility that jaskier wrote it at some point and then would kinda sing it softly when hes patching geralt up after a particularly rough hunt so its one of those where like geralts not quite sure what the song is but then he hears it on this album (cause say this was modern era and jaskier actually did release this album geralt would totally buy it after a few weeks and then realize how badly he'd actually fucked up) and is like shit thats what he was singing all along?? but anyway this one is essentially about how jaskier thinks geralt puts too much pressure on himself and all that stuff

You wear the burden World on your shoulders, babe So let me hold the weight I know you're hurting Deep as the coldest pain But this is the order sayin'

essentially jaskier can see through geralts bs and hes calling him out on it and wants him to just take care of himself for once (see: the scene in 1x05 when geralt says he cant sleep)

5. hoax by taylor swift (canon or modern works)

so this song begins the plethora of break up songs that jaskier wrote about geralt. this one would have been written some time after the incident, after jaskier has some time to reflect on the whole thing. i know that taylor wrote this song about enduring a toxic relationship, which kind of works if you think about the way that geralts treated jaskier and how jaskier interpreted it (but im not implying that their relationship was toxic or abusive or anything)

My best laid plan Your sleight of hand My barren land I am ash from your fire

jaskiers plan was to reinvent geralts image and geralt did not think that it was worth it. jaskier is just sorta his side kick (who gets him into trouble, as geralt points out) and geralt kicks him aside like he doesnt mean anything to him (like ash from a fire

Stood on the cliffside Screaming "Give me a reason" Your faithless love's the only hoax I believe in Don't want no other shade of blue But you No other sadness in the world would do

this is a little more literal with the screaming on the cliffside. jaskier wanted a reason to stay and geralt didnt want him to. jaskier knows that witchers dont feel emotions (or at least not like humans do) so hes been tricking himself into believing that geralt actually liked having him around, knowing that it was probably going to blow up in his face at some point. but he doesnt quite regret it, and doesnt want to be sad over anyone else.

6. naked by james arthur (modern or canon works)

this kind of goes along with hoax, jaskier probably wrote them around the same time. he’s admitting in this song that he would be willing to try to work it out with geralt, but geralt needs to change first (needs to actually communicate and let him in and all that stuff).

'Cause here I am, I'm givin' all I can But all you ever do is mess it up Yeah, I'm right here, I'm tryin' to make it clear That getting half of you just ain't enough

hes quoting geralts words back at him here ( “all you ever do is mess it up” is pretty similar to the line about shoveling shit), saying that all hes ever tried to do is be good and kind to geralt, but geralt hasn't really done the same in return and while jaskier may have dragged him into some things, geralt also needs to take responsibility for what hes done as well.

7. right where you left me (modern or canon works)

this starts the Real Sad Boy Hours songs. this would refer to how he felt pretty much right after, not knowing what to do because geralt had been so much a part of his life for so long:

Help, I'm still at the restaurant Still sitting in a corner I haunt Cross-legged in the dim light They say, "What a sad sight" I, I swear you could hear a hair pin drop Right when I felt the moment stop Glass shattered on the white cloth Everybody moved on, I, I stayed there Dust collected on my pinned-up hair They expected me to find somewhere Some perspective, but I sat and stared

this is kind of the processing of the event. and also the moment on the album where the audience would realize that this relationship that he's been telling about until now definitely ended. this song isn't super super emotional, its more a jumble of thoughts cause he didnt know what to feel after the breakup happened. although he didnt write it right after the break up, it was written much after as a looking back.

8. all too well by taylor swift (modern or canon era works)

(the link to this one is from a live performance because i like the emotion in this one better) so this song is not off of folklore (its off of red) but its such a powerful, painful breakup song that i had to include it in the lineup because it seems like something that jaskier would have written very very soon after the incident. the memories especially that she touches on in the song (driving upstate, dancing in the fridge light, looking at the photo album, etc) are all very powerful and real and i can see jaskier doing the same thing. again, if this were modern era i think that he might release this one as a single. theres so much to unpack in this song, this ones gonna be a little longer oops.

Maybe we got lost in translation, maybe I asked for too much But maybe this thing was a masterpiece 'til you tore it all up Running scared, I was there, I remember it all too well

this clearly references the mountain scene. they were a pretty good duo until geralt blamed him for all his problems. and jaskier was effectively stuck on the top of a very dangerous mountain that he would have had to navigate down by himself.

Time won't fly, it's like I'm paralyzed by it I'd like to be my old self again, but I'm still trying to find it After plaid shirt days and nights when you made me your own Now you mail back my things and I walk home alone

jaskier spent half of his life following geralt around, its likely that he doesnt know what to do with himself or his life now that he doesnt have geralt to follow around on adventures. he doesnt know what to do anymore (see the first song).

But you keep my old scarf from that very first week 'Cause it reminds you of innocence and it smells like me You can't get rid of it, 'cause you remember it all too well, yeah

this is more of a hope that jaskier has. he hopes that geralts held onto something of his that he left behind. maybe he left a shirt in one of roaches saddle bags (canon) or a notebook in their apartment (modern) that geralt just cant seem to get rid of. he would like to think that he had an impact on geralts life and that it wasn't just all for nothing. in the beginning, he wants geralt to be just as hurt as he is.

'Cause there we are again, when I loved you so Back before you lost the one real thing you've ever known It was rare, I was there, I remember it all too well

this is a dig at geralt. he'd never had someone to follow him around on adventures before, much less a human. as far as we know it seems like jaskiers the first human that has even given him the time of day. this is jaskiers way of throwing it back in geralts face

9. impossible by james arthur (canon or modern works)

this would have also been written very soon after the incident. it is more jaskier being mad at himself for not seeing the signs than him being mad at geralt. it is almost like his admittance of the event and like hes finally accepting what happened.

I remember years ago Someone told me I should take Caution when it comes to love, I did And you were strong and I was not My illusion, my mistake I was careless, I forgot, I did

jaskier is someone who clearly falls in love (or at least screws around with people) easily so its likely that someone would have given him some advice along these lines once. but when he met geralt its likely that this caution went to the wind.

When all is done, there is nothing to say And if you're done with embarrassing me On your own you can go ahead, tell them

Tell them all I know now Shout it from the rooftops Write it on the skyline All we had is gone now Tell them I was happy And my heart is broken All my scars are open Tell them what I hoped would be impossible

this hints at the first song on the album. jaskier has no stomach for singing for audiences asking to hear about the adventures of geralt of rivia. this is his way of telling geralt that, almost as his punishment, he should have to deal with the people who ask why hes not traveling with his bard anymore, because jaskier has no intention of doing so. this is pretty brutal because (as we know) geralt doesnt really enjoy talking about feelings, or talking at all in general.

10. exile by taylor swift (modern or canon era works)

this is a fictitious conversation that jaskier wrote as occurring between him and geralt. it can be looked at either way but i think it makes more sense if bon iver is jaskier and taylor is geralt.

I think I've seen this film before And I didn't like the ending You're not my homeland anymore So what am I defendin' now? You were my town Now I'm in exile seein' you out I think I've seen this film before

this first chorus is from jaskiers perspective. note the use of “homeland,” as home becomes a theme on jaskiers album. in geralts version of the chorus the line instead is “youre not my problem anymore” which is probably what jaskier took the whole mountain thing to mean.

All this time We always walked a very thin line You didn't even hear me out (you didn't even hear me out) You never gave a warning sign (I gave so many signs) All this time I never learned to read your mind (never learned to read my mind) I couldn't turn things around (you never turned things around) 'Cause you never gave a warning sign (I gave so many signs)

(the () in this are geralt) this is jaskiers lamentations about how he didnt notice geralts abject discomfort in their relationship and also his regrets in not being able to remedy the situation.

11. illicit affairs by taylor swift (modern or canon works)

so this song is clearly and obviously about an affair. however, i have seen interpretations of the song where people view it as being in a relationship that is so intense and well hidden that in a sense it is almost like an affair, like in the aftermath you’re not even sure if it was real or you deemed it because there isnt really a trace of this other person anymore, and that is the way i think jaskier would have written this song.

And you wanna scream Don't call me kid Don't call me baby Look at this godforsaken mess that you made me You showed me colors you know I can't see with anyone else

the dont call me kid, dont call me baby part would reference jaskiers humanity, he has a normal human lifespan at least in canon (very much unlike geralt) so geralt might brush him off as being young and stupid. jaskier would have made this album to show geralt that hes not being young and stupid, that this did screw him up, and hes suffering cause of it. kind of like a reality check or a slap in the face.

Don't call me kid Don't call me baby Look at this idiotic fool that you made me You taught me a secret language I can't speak with anyone else And you know damn well For you I would ruin myself A million little times

the secret language would of course refer to geralt himself. hes a hard man to understand (especially cause half his vocabulary is grunts) and hes also a witcher. so jasper had to learn to understand him and now he has no use for that anymore. and the ending line about ruining myself. that would be jaskiers admittance that he would do it again, he'd do it all again, which comes back up in later songs.

12. safe inside by james arthur (canon era interpretation)

this is one that jaskier would have written maybe a week or so after the incident. the song itself deals with distance and coping with not being in someones life anymore, and i think that that is something that jaskier would struggle to cope with because hes not sure he wants geralt to be alone. this song is more for jaskier than for geralt.

Everyone has to find their own way And I'm sure things will work out okay I wish that was the truth All we know is the sun will rise Thank your lucky stars that you're alive It's a beautiful life

obviously geralt can take care of himself, but its kinda clear that he doesnt much like his life as a witcher (the part where he talks about them getting slow and killed). so this is kind of jaskiers way of almost reminding geralt that his life on the path is still beautiful and important now that he back by himself.

Oh, will you call me to tell me you're alright? 'Cause I worry about you the whole night Don't repeat my mistakes, I won't sleep 'til you're safe inside If you're home I just hope that you're sober Is it time to let go now you're older? Don't leave me this way, I won't sleep 'til you're safe inside

this is more jaskier worrying about geralt being by himself. he hopes that hes okay in the aftermath of this this and that hes taking care of himself still. because of course jaskier would write a whole breakup album but still write one song about how he hopes the person is doing well.

13. quite miss home by james arthur (modern era interpretation)

this song. oh my god. its so amazing. if you dont listen to any of these, at least listen to this one (actually im pretty sure no ones read to this point so if you have thanks). this song is kind of more along the same vein as the previous one, how jaskier misses geralt but its more for him than geralt. he would have probably written it at like 3am in a fit of tears and weakness, and debated long and hard about whether or not to put it on the album, but done it anyway because what does he have to lose? theres a lot to unpack here tho so this is going to be a longer one. (sorry)

I'm in the kitchen while you smoke outside You're careful not to let the smoke inside I always tell you it's poison But I know it helps you take the edge off the day We get a drink before it's closing time The one on high street with the blinking sign All these memories feel poignant I won't be there to see the snow melt away

this is a very very clear picture of an event that seems to have happened a great many times, so much so that it seems like second nature. its like a little glimpse into what their life was before this incident. its intimate, but it still is melancholy.

Whoa I'm in another city I got nobody with me And it just really hit me

this is where jaskier is now, it provides some opposition. its like a culture shock almost, like hes so used to this intimate lifestyle with another person that its jarring to be by himself.

That I quite miss home And I miss you telling me To leave my shoes at the door 'Cause you just swept the floor And the dirt drives you crazy Yeah, I quite miss home 'Cause it feels like poetry When the rain falls down on the window While you're in my arms And we're watching the TV Yeah, I quite miss home

the key here is what jaskier is referring to as “home.” it's not the place, its geralt himself. all these memories center around him, not an establishment. (calling geralt “home” comes back in later songs.) again, this mosh of memories is like theres so many of them that its almost overwhelming but its stemming from jaskiers need to feel something other than lonely and hes craving this reality that hes lost.

14. my tears ricochet by taylor swift (modern or canon era works)

this is a song that really emphasizes jaskiers dramatic little shit tendencies. this is something that he wrote, trying to predict what geralts reaction would be if he found out that jaskier died. this is really just jaskier fantasizing that geralt didnt actually mean any of what he said and does still care about him. theres many lines in here that are jabs at geralt (if I'm dead to you why are you at the wake? and Even on my worst day Did I deserve, babe All the hell you gave me?), but i think this is the most important one:

And I can go anywhere I want Anywhere I want Just not home And you can aim for my heart, go for blood But you would still miss me in your bones And I still talk to you When I'm screaming at the sky And when you can't sleep at night You hear my stolen lullabies

this is again, jaskier referring to geralt as home. as seen in the last song, he clearly wants to go there, but he cant. this could also refer to where he grew up, which he cant go to either because his parents still view him as a disappointment (as seen in finally). jaskier saying he still talks to geralt is completely in character, he probably still curses him and the whole thing. but the part about geralt not being able to sleep at night and hearing his stolen lullabies is really hard hitting. jaskier likes to think that geralt wouldn't be able to sleep without his banter or his lute playing or something of that nature. over all its a very powerful song.

15. phoenix by james arthur (modern or canon works)

this is a fictitious apology that jaskier wrote from geralts pov, kind of what he wished that geralt would say, but knows that he won't.

Let me, let me begin Let me begin, with an I.O.U Who I owe everything to Lately, lately my friend Lately, you think I'm ignoring you But I've been trying to pull through All of the pain, I know you're looking down, down on me I could have been someone I hurt everyone Pushed away everyone who got near

in this “geralt” outlines what he did wrong, and that he didnt mea what he said at all. again, this is more for jaskiers benefit because he knows that even if geralt were to apologize to him, it wouldn't be to this extent.

16. this is me trying by taylor swift (modern or canon works)

this is jaskier trying to articulate the fact that hes trying to pick himself back up after everything, his way of showing his “healing process” and that he can do it, he doesnt need geralt (as the song shows, its not going very well)

And it's hard to be at a party When I feel like an open wound It's hard to be anywhere these days When all I want is you You're a flashback in a film reel On the one screen in my town And I just wanted you to know That this is me trying (maybe I don't quite know what to say) I just wanted you to know That this is me trying

its showing that jaskier is having trouble enjoying things that he once did (like parties) because hes still so distraught over what happened with geralt, but at the same time he also wants to show geralt that he doesnt need him. it has a very i dont care kind of attitude, but jaskier at the same time is having a hard time showing geralt that hes doing okay, hence the “maybe i dont quite know what to say” which is out of character for the very talkative bard

17. happiness by taylor swift (modern or canon works)

this is more him convincing himself that things will be okay. he's clearly trying at this point to move on, but its proving difficult because geralt was his happiness for so long:

There'll be happiness after you But there was happiness because of you Both of these things can be true There is happiness

he also repeats the line “havent me the new me yet” a few times, which i think is again him trying to convince himself that its going to get better and he will move on from it. but this line is the one that i think hurts the most:

No one teaches you what to do When a good man hurts you And you know you hurt him too

this implies that 1. he still thinks geralts a good man (not a monster) and 2. that he knows he hurt him to and doesn't know how to fix either of them. this is also kind of him giving up on how to fix it, but him recognizing they were both at fault is important for the arc of the story.

18. death by a thousand cuts by taylor swift (modern or canon works)

this is another song that is not off of folklore (its from lover), but i wanted to include it because it think it has a little bit of anger to it (especially in this live acoustic version that i linked) which i think that jaskier would feel a few weeks post incident in a fit of rage, like why am i still feeling this way? why did you think that this was okay?? and its right after happiness, which shows that his healing really isn't linear. there's many lines in this song that pertain to geralt and jaskier and i could talk about the whole thing but im not going to

But if the story's over, why am I still writing pages?

this i think is very jaskier. its so raw and like, i know this is over, why am i still writing about it? why am i making an album about this? why should this still matter to me? its very angry and again, like many of the songs, like a slap.

My heart, my hips, my body, my love Tryna find a part of me that you didn't touch Gave up on me like I was a bad drug Now I'm searching for signs in a haunted club Our songs, our films, united, we stand Our country, guess it was a lawless land Quiet my fears with the touch of your hand Paper cut stings from our paper-thin plans My time, my wine, my spirit, my trust Tryna find a part of me you didn't take up Gave you so much, but it wasn't enough But I'll be alright, it's just a thousand cuts

this part, especially if you listen to her sing it, (which i would HIGHLY RECOMMEND BTW) is very passive aggressive and the the last line is like quite sarcastic and downplays it, like, yes you put me through all of this, but i guess its *just* a thousand cuts. this really shows that in many ways geralt was a part of jaskiers life, and his sudden removal from it would have stung in many ways, and thats not something that you can get over quickly.

19. empty space by james arthur (modern or canon era works)

this song starts the beginning of jaskier getting over geralt. these last 4 songs would have been written much after the incident, after hes had time to think, but there's still this nagging in the back of his head thats like, well what if im being stupid and he is the one and im supposed to go back?

I don't see you You're not in every window I look through And I don't miss you You're not in every single thing I do I don't think we're meant to be And you are not the missing piece I won't hear it Whenever anybody says your name And I won't feel it Even when I'm burstin' into flames I don't regret the day I left I don't believe that I was blessed I'm probably lyin' to myself again

this is more what jaskier wants to be, not what he actually is. he thinks that hes over geralt, but hes not (the chorus gets into it more but im not going to talk about it here, but it essentially says “only you can fill this empty space”) clearly jaskier is further along in his healing process, but hes still having second thoughts. he wants to be over him, but he knows hes lying to himself, very deep down.

20. coney island by taylor swift (more modern era interpretation)

this is the true moving on song. it’s still laced with memories and speculation, but it puts clear distance between the two of them, much more so than empty space does because it lacks the longing. it just shows things for what they are.

And I'm sitting on a bench in Coney Island Wondering where did my baby go? The fast times, the bright lights, the merry go Sorry for not making you my centerfold

its apologetic, but nothing more than that. it dwells more on what could have been rather than what he wants it to still be.

The question pounds my head What's a lifetime of achievement If I pushed you to the edge? But you were too polite to leave me And do you miss the rogue Who coaxed you into paradise and left you there? Will you forgive my soul When you're too wise to trust me and too old to care?

this is interesting because it addresses their immortality and how they've been together for years and also the way in which they left things (paradise). but it also implies that things were on the downfall. and the last two lines about forgiveness is interesting because it then calls geralt “too wise to trust me and too old to care” meaning its more a wish of jaskiers rather than something he knows geralt will do.

Were you waiting at our old spot In the tree line By the gold clock Did I leave you hanging every single day? Were you standing in the hallway With a big cake, happy birthday Did I paint your bluest skies the darkest grey? A universe away And when I got into the accident The sight that flashed before me was your face But when I walked up to the podium, I think that I forgot to say your name

these are all very specific, very intimate moments that would clearly mean something to geralt. and it further implies that jaskier is uncertain if he actually made geralt feel appreciated when they were together. but again, its more what could have been rather than what jaskier wanted it to be, which is a nice segway into the last two songs.

21. new years day by taylor swift (modern era interpretation)

this is another one not from folklore, this song is the closing track on reputation, but i like the nostalgia of it so i decided to include it (and it also has good parallels to the last song). initially jaskier intended for this to be the last song on the album, but decided to add another one last minute (and we will get into why). this song is more jaskiers muted longing to still be with geralt, albeit in the far future.

There's glitter on the floor after the party Girls carrying their shoes down in the lobby Candle wax and Polaroids on the hardwood floor You and me from the night before but Don't read the last page But I stay when you're lost and I'm scared and you're turning away I want your midnights But I'll be cleaning up bottles with you on New Year's Day

this interpretation is very much like the actual songs interpretation: the desire to stay with someone through the unexciting parts of life, like cleaning up after a party on new years day. additionally, wanting to start something new with someone (being there with them past the midnight kiss and actually starting the first day of the year with them). additionally though, there is the line of “dont read the last page” which refers to the last song on the album, which we will get to.

Hold on to the memories, they will hold on to you And I will hold on to you Please don't ever become a stranger whose laugh I could recognize anywhere

this is more jaskiers reality. hes torn between holding onto these memories and hopes and actually facing reality. he wants to hold on to geralt, but he also kinda wants to move on. and the last line about the laugh, thats more jaskiers own hope, he hopes that he will come across geralt again and things will work themselves out.

22. the 1 by taylor swift (modern era interpretation)

the decision to make this song the last one on the album was a very last minute decision, and it was written significantly after the rest of the songs. the reason for this was without this last song, the album ends on a note of hope “Please don't ever become a stranger whose laugh I could recognize anywhere” but this last song is more of a reality check and acknowledgment that what's done is done and that it will never be again.

I'm doing good, I'm on some new shit Been saying "Yes" instead of "No" I thought I saw you at the bus stop, I didn't though

this refers to the fact that its been some time since the whole thing and jaskiers kind of changed a little bit. he claims hes doing good, and maybe is going to try out a new career (since the first song references wanting to put music down for awhile). seeing geralt at the bus stop is a reference to cardigan where he says “chasing shadows in the grocery line” where hes not actively looking for geralt anymore and it doesnt upset him that he didnt see him.

I guess you never know, never know And if you wanted me, you really should've showed And if you never bleed, you're never gonna grow And it's alright now

this is jaskier saying that hes almost glad that it happened because it gave him a new perspective and it was a learning experience. he also says that its alright, which is the second time that hes said hes okay, which probably means he isnt completely, but hes much closer than he was on the rest of the album because hes not still looking for geralt at every turn

I have this dream you're doing cool shit Having adventures on your own You meet some woman on the Internet and take her home We never painted by the numbers, baby But we were making it count You know the greatest loves of all time are over now I guess you never know, never know And it's another day, waking up alone

this is jaskier acknowledging the fact that geralt has probably long since moved on with his life, either with other romantic people or with his life entirely (the first time he does this on the album). he says that while their love or friendship was unconventional it still was definitely something (implying that it may have been one of the greatest loves of his life). and the waking up alone part references quite miss home and being by himself, but it isnt sad, its just a fact at this point.

But we were something, don't you think so? Roaring twenties, tossing pennies in the pool And if my wishes came true It would've been you In my defense, I have none For never leaving well enough alone But it would've been fun If you would've been the one

this is the part where we see that jaskier has grown. hes recognized that his wanting to be with geralt was never anything more than a fleeting wish or a moment that couldn't last. but he knows that it had potential and it could have worked but it didnt and thats okay. in the last chorus the pennies line is “rosé flowing with your chosen family” which implies that he and geralt were close enough to know each others family (chosen or real), meaning that it meant something. and he wouldn't have minded a long term relationship with geralt, but its not what happened.

in new years day jaskier says “dont read the last page” this song is that last page. part of him still doesnt want geralt to know that hes put aside the hope of it working because he wants to still keep himself open for geralt, but knows that its not healthy and ultimately he needs to move on. hes essentially giving geralt the choice: remember jaskier as wanting to get back with him (since the last line of the album would have been “please dont ever become a stranger who's laugh i could recognize anywhere” or let him have the knowledge that jaskier is done with him (since the official last line of the album is “but it would have been fun if you would've been the one”)

anyway thats jaskiers breakup album. i put way too much effort into this. and if you actually read through the whole thing, thank you and please let me know what you think!! if you use this for fics or have your own interpretations please please tag me, id love to see!!

#the witcher #geralt of rivia #geralt #jaskier #julian alfred pankratz #geraskier #wow this took so long #literally so long #id recommend listening to the songs tho theyre all kinda vibey #there's like a million songs i could have used but i liked these ones cause i think they have a very nostalgic vibe #also dont get me wrong jaskier would also eventually release some sones like uhh #truth hurts by lizzo #like very fuck you breakup songs #but this is him being sad first #anyway im literally only posting this cause witcher anon said they wanted to read it #i hope you like it my dude

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ankhisms · 3 years

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the always wonderful shelley @shanheling tagged me to do this thank u so much!! i think that everyone i wanted to tag has already been tagged to do this but if you feel like doing this feel free to consider urself tagged by me!! im putting this under a readmore bc its long and i ramble a lot

the piece i was tagged to explain my process on is this oc piece! unfortunately i have a habit of deleting my original clip studio file once ive finished my art and saved it as a new png file, so i dont have the file to show the sketch and different stages of this piece. but I still can go through my general process and talk about how i did that piece!

1. planning

honestly i think about the art that i want to do a lot, and in this last year or so ive thought about the art i want to do more than ive been able to actually create and finish that art that i want to do. for my planning i tend to do a lot of different thumbnail sketches for the art im thinking of

these are some examples of thumbnails, a lot of times ill do thumbnails just on pencil and paper and with some of these theyre done quickly with my fingers on my phone note function on a day where i was feeling too bad to get up and draw on paper but still wanted to get the thumbnail ideas down. two of these are for the same songxiao piece that i still havent finished and i have more thumbnails digitally on clip studio for the same piece, i do a lot more thumbnails when a piece isnt working the way i want it to and theres times where ill completely scratch a thumbnail or a sketch and start over in order to do more thumbnails because i dont feel happy with some aspect of it.

two of these are small gouche painting thumbnails for two pieces i did maybe a month or so ago, i did the thumbnails and then tried to expand on them digitally and im wanting to do more thumbnail paintings like this in the future because it was fun

for the piece of my oc trio it was based off a series of ask prompts i got for a few different outfit prompt memes i had reblogged, so i based their outfits on the ones in the meme. when im drawing figures i tend to try and get the movement down in the poses when im sketching, i do several rough sketches of the pose before beginning to start setting down lines (if im doing lineart at all because sometimes i dont like doing lineart and do a more lineless painting kind of style). i really try to get my art to convey some kind of emotion, in the oc piece i wanted it to feel fun and like youre seeing three best friends while theyre out on the town having a fun night

2. creating

this is the only real example i have of a piece in the middle of being filled in and created, this piece is one that im really not very happy with & have had lying around for a while and ill probably scrap it and try to come at it from a different perspective at some point. but anyway it still shows what i do, i lay down a kind of neutral gray color underneath my final sketch/lineart if im doing lineart in that piece and then i start picking out the colors that i want for the piece and kind of setting out a pallette for myself. i dont do this color pallette thing 100% of the time but i do it really often, especially if im working on a commission or a larger piece where i know theres going to be a lot of colors or if its a piece where im not sure exactly what color scheme i want so laying out the colors together helps me kind of decide what kind of scheme i want. i am sooooo picky about my colors in my art i am genuinely obsessed with colors in art and there are times where i really have to stop myself from working on something forever just constantly adding more colors or putting little tiny changes and gradients in the colors.

after ive got the colors i want down i tend to try and block out parts of the piece with the base color for that section, and then i start to paint with the colors that i want to go on top of that base color from there.

once im satisfied with the colors/shading/rendering and everything ill go back and look over things and will fix things that look off or sometimes completely redo segments if they dont look right to me. when i was younger and mainly doing digital art using my phone and my fingers i would use a lot of filters and overlays on top of my art once i was done, and honestly im glad to not be doing that anymore because i dont think it made my art look any better. i do color adjustments and sometimes will put on a color overlay or a layer to emphasize the shadows and the light in the piece, but i try to keep those layers to a minimum and like i said before i have a tendency to obsess over the colors and ill spend a good amount of time in the color adjustment tool of clip studio and then ill just decide "actually it looks fine as it is" so yeah!

3. posting

i feel like i dont have a lot to say here gbfm i mean i honestly have a lot of thoughts about the relationship between artists and social media and how social media changes our views on art including our own art and how we can feel like we constantly need to be posting new art and just become content machines churning out new stuff. but ill save that rant for another time. i used to be really concerned about how many notes my art would get when i was younger, and i dont at all blame anyone who still is very concerned about that bc it sucks when u work hard on something youve created and then you dont get a lot of recognition for it, but honestly within the last two years or so i feel like ive begun to have a lot healthier relationship with posting my art. i really just post my art on my art blog, reblog it to my main blog, and then thats that yknow! i do really appreciate any and all support people give me, it means the world to me, but for me having the mentality where i dont need to post all the art i make and i dont need to be posting every day or every week or every month even has been a lot healthier for me because then im not constantly asking myself why didnt this get notes is my art awful??? and yeah i just kind of post it and my brain goes okay were done with that art we gotta make more

ive honestly been struggling a lot with art thru the pandemic and if youre reading this and have been struggling with creating in any way recently or even before the pandemic, please know theres no shame in having trouble creating and it doesnt make you bad at whatever it is u create!

thank you for reading this, feel free to consider urself tagged by me again if u want to do this!! love u all

#showyourprocess #beep beep its a txt

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hunbomb · 4 years

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roommate! jaemin

i hope u guys like this one! i do :)

warning: not proofread LMAO

jaemin: a huge flirt

like we been knew sis okay bUt its not like it defines him ya kno??? like yes he is a flirt but its not like he does it purposely

however that doesn’t stop every single girl from liking him

except for u cause you’re ~not like other girls~

jk you are

cause who wouldn’t find na jaemin attractive?? tf???

okay but like the dealio between you and jaemin is that you are best friends

and you have a fat crush on him (u have since the beginning of highschool LOL)

luckily for you, although jaemin is a flirt, he isnt interested in any girls so he doesnt bring any to your dorm

and even if he did, he would tell u because it would be shitty not to

anyway

so u met in grade nine and yalls friendship popped TF off right away like you joined nomins duo and made it a trio in the span of 4 months and everyone was like???? this mf got that close to them that fast???? mastery

jeno was like ur brother from another mother fr

you and him told eachother everything and sometimes he would tell you things he wouldnt even tell jaemin. like everyone has those people that although theyre close w, there are some things you’d never tell and that goes for jeno and jaemin

jaemin never told jeno he listens to taylor swift

and jeno never told jaemin that he watched all of my little pony friendship is magic on netflix

but since you and jeno shared some personal things w eachother, you obviously told him about your crush on jaemin

and since you had a crush on jaemin, you never got like super super close with him just cause ur feels got in the way

mainly just you never got as close to jaemin as you did jeno

sure you were bffs, but it wasn’t on such an intimate level

cause everytime jaemin would look your way you’d be gasping for air

so timeskip to senior year

everything is great

your friendship is still strong af and you guys are all planning for post secondary

jaemin and you get into the same uni right.... and jeno gets into the one the town over so your friendship wont take that much damage

but!!! jaemin wants to room with you!!! and ur like!! fucufejdsk!!!

cause like ofc you want to who wouldnt????? but you have such a massisve crush on him you dont want it to get in the way of not only yours but also jaemins university experience

you say yes tho and next thing you know youre unpacking all your stuff

the dorm is kind of small like there isnt a lot of space,,,,, theres two bedrooms but the beds literally take out the whole room HAHHAHA and then there is a chill space with the kitchen connected and u and jaemin have to share a washroom LOL

“jaemin what the FUCK did you eat??? beans??? i bet it was beans this shit smells so bad i-”

“it really do be ya own friends sometimes” -jaemin 2020 :((((((

anyway so like university life is good you and jaemin invite jeno over every weekend for a sleepover and vice versa its so cute GAH

but like,,,, here’s where the drama comes in

one day you are facetiming jeno and youre telling him about how you really like jaemin and blah blah ya know the usual

and youre not really looking at the screen cause youre doing your homework and focusing on that but jeno sees in the back that jaemin has fully entered the room

and you dont notice cause hes silent and your still talking but jeno is trying to get your attention UDHSJIA

and when he does you see in your part of the screen jaemin just,,,, standing there

cue you ending the call with jeno SO FAST and turning around like oH i thought you had classes right now?

“.... they ended early”

“i see” ://////////

you like get up super fast and just walk around him and go into your roomm shutting the door

poor jaemin is just like “what”

cause to be honest he never really considered this situation ever happening yah he thought you were prettier than most girls and he liked the way you were able to talk to people so easily but he never would have thought you harboured feelings for him

so he kind of just leaves it be cause he knows that you def dont want to talk about it and is willing to wait for you to be the one who brings it up

so time skip to dinner youre both just eating in silence but you dont like it,,,

“what i said was true” you say and jaemin looks up and he knows where this convo is going but he lets you speak

“i didnt ever plan on telling you because i really like our friendship but i guess i wasn’t careful enough”

your heart is beating hella fast but you try to look unbothered and its going pretty good until jaemin asks you something

“how long have you felt this way?”

OKAY like it shouldnt be a big deal to tell him bc you already exposed yourself but for some reason that question just hit you deep cause you realized that youve liked him for so long and he never felt the same ya know

“i dont know,,, since the start of highschool? when we became friends i always thought you were cute and it just turned into a full blown crush”

jaemin just sort of nods in response “oh okay”

so that night your just laying in your bed full of regrets

you know things are about to be super duper awkward between you and jaemin and you wish it didnt have to be like that

so over the next couple of weeks its more awkward than it has ever been before and the sleepovers with jeno seem so divided

its either jeno and you or jeno and jaemin its never the three of you anymore :((((((

jaemin isn’t ignoring your feelings though, dont worry! hes just trying to sort his out

because your confession kind of opened his eyes

he doesnt want to force himself to like you but he cant help but admit that when he first heard you talking about your feelings a huge warmth spread through his chest and he may or may not have uncovered some feelings

these feelings were always there but he suppressed in grade nine cause he thought you’d never like him and you just wanted to stay friends

so he pushed them down and never thought about it again

but obviously that didnt happen because now youre on his mind 24/7 and he wishes that he could just talk to you but hes kind of nervous

so after taking advice from jeno he tries to talk to you more, like asking how your day went and starting up conversations

youre kind of like “what u playing at son” but you leave it cause you know jaemin would never do you dirty like that

it stays this way for a while until one night theres a particularly bad thunderstorm and jaemin is scared of thunder

and so when youre just playing on your phone jaemin opens your door slightly and has this scared look on his face

and you know that jaemin is scared of thunder so you open your arms without any words being shared

a huge boom of thunder makes jaemin squeal and jump into your arms

and he gets comfy under the covers as youre holding him, no words shared between you two

he starts to feel much better and this sense of comfort washes over him like,,, youre his home

and as hes falling asleep he softly mutters

“im sorry it took me so long”

and youre just straight confused like what does that mean is he talking about his feelings or just the fact that yall havent had such an close encounter in a while

the next morning you wake up and jaemins arms and you guys are facing eachother

and hes already awake so when you oepn your eyes you find him already looking at you

“thank you for last night, youre the best” he whispers and youre like all good fam i understand

but then he leans in closer and is like “i should have told you this so long ago, but i am in love with you”

your eyes widen and youre like wh AT the FUCJ your heart is beating at like 420 bpm and ur shooketh

he just smiles and pulls in you in closer and its just a super soft moment and no words have to be said

that night you guys are cuddling on the couch after dinner when jaemin just asks you be his gf

OF COURSE YOU SAY YES! you have been waiting for this moment for god knows how long

jeno is all like damn fina-fucking-ly i’ve been watching this romance play out for like 5 years!

its super cute

its even better that you guys are roommates because youre already living together so you get to see eachother everyday

jaemins room as become a guest room for sorts as he now shares a bed with you

jenos happy af hes like YESSS I DONT NEED TO SLEEP WITH JAEMIN IN OUR SLEEPOVERS ANYMORE

jaemin: >:(((((( tf is that supposed to mean

you just laugh and youre like im not complaining hahaha and jaemins heart just stutters so bad

he really does love you and he cant believe it took him so long to accept his feelings

and one night he tells you about how he pushed them down and youre like “exCUSE ME we could have been dating all this time u pussy”

sad jaemin :(((((

anyway ya its so good its a win-win situation

you get to room with the love of your life and its just magical there are so many soft moments between you two and just UGH relationship goals

i need me a jaemin

#nct #nct dream #jaemin #na jaemin #nana #jaemin scenarios #jaemin scenario #jaemin x reader #jaemin blurbs #jaemin imagines #nct jaemin #nct na jaemin #nct bulleted au #nct scenarios #nct smut #nct 127 #kpop #kpop scenarios

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fatrainbowmermaidunicorn · 4 years

Text

Kindred Spirit (Taehyung X You) (ONESHOT)

A/N: The full version of the Taehyung fanfic, but I changed it a little from the preview I posted. Hope its okay 😘 also, im not sure whats an "er of their marriage" means exactly? But i take it their life after marriage? Ill make an epilogue of that soon! 😘

"Ive been an idol for years Y/N and you have never once come to see me perform? Dont you know people would die for all the free passes and tickets I left for you?!" Her bestfriend grumbles, hands crossed over his chest, his pout over an inch long.

Y/N laughs.

"Thats why I said you should give it to someone else thats actually have time to go watch you,"

"But you are my best friend. BESTFRIEND Y/N. How is is possible you never once saw me perform? And you dont even know any of my bandmates? How is that possible??" Yoongi keeps on grumbling in disbelief.

"Well.. Min Yoongi. I can give you an answer. Because I'm busy with real life okay. You know my appa wants me to take over soon. You know I dont do it on purpose right?" Y/N pouts, hoping if shes cute enough, or looks guilty enough Yoongi would actually forgive her.

"Nope. Your puppy face wont cut it this time,"

Damn.

"You are coming. And if I dont see you cheering your ass off tomorrow night, front row, our friendship is over. Over I say!"

And thats is why Y/N is running and pushing through the excited crowd of boys and girls in the stadium, trying to find her section. She made it! She almost didnt, but almost didnt matter. Shes here now. All dressed in her work clothes, with what is supposed to be called an Army Bomb in her hand, something that her secretary shoved in her bag earlier, saying its a must have for an Army. She dont even know what an Army is!

As the show starts, Y/N jumps to the music, smiling proudly everytime Yoongi make an appearance. She has heard him rapped before, but she never seen him this charismatic. Its as if the man on stage is not even the dorky Yoongi she has known for years. And his band members... wow. All so talented, all so good looking.

As the concert ended, Y/N makes her way backstage, flashing the pass Yoongi gave her and make her way through series of dressing room, trying to find the one where the boys are in.

"Must be this one," she followed the door that has the most sound and lights to find the boys chatting, congratulating each other. "Uh, Yoongi?" Y/N calls out softly, feeling awkward. Is she even supposed to be here?

"Oh you are here. God, cant believe you actually made it!" Yoongi rushed over and gave her a tight hug. "Wait, I'll introduce you to the others, but I need to change my pants first. Wait here, dont move!" Before she could say anything, Yoongi has already ran off.

"Uh.. okay. Ill stay here I guess," she moved herself timidly to a corner and stands awkwardly, hoping no one would notice her. But wishes dont always come true.

"Hey, uh..." a guy, a very handsome guy, who Y/N recognizes as one of Yoongi's band members, but cant be sure who, approached her.

"Uh.. yes? A-am I not supposed to be here? Im sorry. Im just waiting for Y-"

"Oh, no. I just want to ask you. Wheres the bathroom?"

"Huh?" Y/N looks at the guy curiously. Is he for real? He had a three day back to back concert here and today is the third day. And he doesnt know where the bathroom is? And he is asking... her? Y/N laughs before answering. So weird.

"Uh.. I-"

Smack.

"You know very well where the bathroom is you idiot. What are you talking about?" Yoongi who just came back smacked the guy's head.

"Ouchhh, hyunggg," he pouted, rubbing his head.

"Serves you right. Thats the worse and most cringy pick up line ever!"

"Hyunggggg, shut upppp," the guy eyed Y/N shyly and glares at his hyung and turn his attention back on her. "S-sorry. I just wanted to talk to you but I dont want to scare you off," he grins sheepishly.

"Oh, its okay. Im not a stalker. I'm here because Yoongs invited me. I'm Y/N," she hands out her hand for a handshake. "And no, I dont know where the bathroom is," she giggles.

Yoongi rolls his eye and smacks his forehead at the lame attempt of flirting the younger man is doing.

"Hi Y/N. I'm Taehyung," he grips her hand and shakes it. "Kim Taehyung. And I'm the guy you will be having coffee with tonight," he grins.

/////

"Okay, so do you have a boyfriend?"

"No appa, I dont," Y/N sighs, frustrated.

"Then uh.... do you not like men? I mean, Im okay with that sweetheart, as long as you are happy..."

Y/N smile a little. Her appa is the most adorable man ever existed.

"Appa, no!" She giggles.

"Okay, okay. Im just asking. You know I will support you always princess," her appa smile and she can see a small sigh of relieve. "Then what is it sweetheart? Why are you so against this marriage with Hyun Dae?"

"Well, for one, I think arranged marriage is so old school appa," she pouts. "We are not living in the 60s or 20s or whatever year you and eomma are from,"

"How old do you think we are? The 20s?!" Her appa laughs. "Arranged marriage is not so bad you know,"

"Its not bad at all. I actually found the love of my life," her eomma gets up from the couch and link arms with her husband. "Although he is quite annoying at first," she laughs. Y/N's appa leans and kiss the top of her mothers head.

"Its the best decision ever," he smiles.

Y/N roll her eyes. It is well known between their family, friends and community that her parents are as in love as ever. They were from two wealthy family, arranged to be married, and lucky for them, they were each other soulmates.

"Appa, eomma, just because you two are lucky doesnt mean everyone is,"

"But sweetheart, Hyun Dae is everything a man can be. Hes very kind, smart, hes taking over his appa's business, he loves animals, arts, kids. Everything that you like. And plus, you two are quite close too. Why are you so against it?"

Y/N sighs.

"I dont know. Maybe a little part of me wants that traditional love story you know? To fall madly in love with someone and then get married?" She sighs and lays her head on her elbow. Her parents look at each other before her eomma approached her slowly, stroking her hair slowly.

"Sweetheart... are you in love with someone?"

"Well..." Y/N scratched her neck, avoiding their intrusive eyes. Her lips immediately curl into a small smile as an image immediately pops inside her head. Boxy smile, deep voice, always happy, positive outlook on everything. The one guy who made her deeply fall in love.

"Oh my dear, who is it? Why didnt you tell us?" Her eomma smile widely, clapping her hand in excitement.

"Well.. its uh.. because I dont know if he feels the same way..."

"Have you told him yet? Whoever this lucky person is?" Her appa take a step closer to her, smiling. His princess' happiness is everything to him.

"N-no. Not yet. I dont know. Should I?"

"You should sweetheart. Or how else would he know? And he most definitely feels the same way,"

"Do you think so appa?"

"I know so," he smiles. "Who in the world wouldnt fall in love with you sweetheart?"

Y/N smiles. Her parents are the best.

"Then I'll tell him. I'll tell him tomorrow,"

/////

"I like you Taehyung,"

A few moments past without either one saying anything. The air that pricks her skins feels colder. But nothing is colder that Taehyung's stare that is emotionless in front of her right now.

"Uh.. what? I heard you wrong I think," he laughs awkwardly.

"I... like you Taehyung,"

"Well, I like you too. Of course. You are one of my closest friends," Taehyung smiles. Y/N feels her heart suffocating but still puts on a brave face. Maybe he dont understand what she meant. Taehyung can be oblivious sometimes.

"I like you Taehyung," Y/N says it much clearer this time. "I.. love you. I love you Kim Taehyung. Like for real,"

"Listen..," he sighs after a few moment of silence. "I'm really flattered that you uh.. have feelings for me. And I know we have developed some degree of friendship, but... you thats what you are... just a friend," he looks at her with his deep gaze. "Yoongi's hyung friend to be exact,"

"Yoongi's friend?" Y/N looks at him, eyes filled with confusion. "After all this time. Is that all I am to you Tae? Your hyung's friend?"

"You know what I mean Y/N. You know how we met-"

"Yeah, I know how we met Tae.. but I though after all these time and moments we had..."

"That I would think of you as more? That I would fall in love with you?" Taehyung sighs. "I'm sorry if you felt like I lead you on. Thats just me. I'm just friendly. Im this way with everyone. But come on Y/N. Look at the facts. How can I be with you? I'm a worldstar, and you are well... you,"

Y/N felt like Taehyung just stabbed hee heart a million times. What does he mean that shes just.. her? Whats so wrong about being her?

"I enjoy our friendship, our interaction Y/N, but no more than that. And I am sorry to say that I am in a relationship. We havent gone public yet, but we are planning to, by this week,"

"I-in a relationship? With who Tae? A-and you didnt even bother to tell me? After all the time we spent together?" Y/N feels like screaming, but she knows she has no right to do so. All she can do is hold in her tears that can easily burst at any time.

"I think you know her," he smiles. Oblivious to the pain that Y/N is feeling. "Oraia. The new idol,"

"Oraia?" Oh Y/N knows the girl perfectly well. Pretty, fashionable, great at singing, dancing. Any guy would kill to have her. Including Taehyung it seems.

"I-I have to know Tae. W-why her? H-how?" Y/N managed to choked out her question.

"Oraia is the perfect girl for me," Taehyung smile at the thoughts of her, proving how in love he is, making Y/N's heart breaks even more. "An idol, beautiful, talented, shes basically the female version of me. So I'm sorry, but you..." Taehyung stops, trying to find the right word to describe what hes saying. "You and me Y/N... we are just worlds apart,"

"You are not a worldstar when I met you. You are not that like this when I met you," Y/N said softly, holding in tears. "We are not that much different from each other Tae,"

Taehyung gave a sad smile, no, a pity smile, before standing up, ready to leave.

"You can think whatever you want Y/N. But if you ever think we can be together..." he sighs and looks at her and gave her another pity smile. "If only things were different. In another world, maybe we would have been together.Goodbye Y/N,"

/////

Y/N closes her eyes, tears rolling down both her cheeks, already mixed together with the pouring rain as she walks home. Maybe the rain will wash away her feelings for Taehyung. Her stupid feelings for Taehyung. Different world? Taehyung's world is what she wanted to avoid her whole life. Glitz, glamour, fame, riches... Y/N cries out as loud as her heart wanted, thankful no one can hear her in the heavy rain. Shes just not enough for him. Thats the real reason. And she will never be for Kim Taehyung.

Days passed and Y/N has been locked up in her room ever since that disasterous day. Her parents have given up trying to find out what happen and finally left her alone.

And this week is finally the week Y/N dread the most. All the entertainment news, magazines, gossip websites are buzzing with the announcement that has just been made all week.

Y/N looks at the glossy pictures of the scattered tabloids in front of her again. The intimate pictures getting blurry as her eyes gets wetter. Taehyung's voice replayed in her brain like a broken record.

"An idol, beautiful, talented, shes basically the female version of me. So I'm sorry, but you..." Taehyung stops, trying to find the right word to describe what hes saying. "You and me Y/N... we are just worlds apart,"

With a deep breath, she crumples the pages that reflects the beautiful relationship that is Taehyung and Oraia, wipe her eyes and walked downstairs to where her parents are drinking tea, enjoying their evening in their luxurious lounge.

"Oh Y/N. You are finally out. How are you feeling honey? Want to join us sweetheart?" Her mother looked up from the magazine shes reading and smile, her father the same, offering her a seat besides them.

"N-no. Thanks though. And I feel better," she gave a small smile. "Eomma, appa, I have something to tell you guys," she said, heart beating fast.

"What is it honey?"

"Appa, eomma, I have thought it through. I agree to your proposal. I agree with the arranged marriage to Hyun Dae,"

Her parents looks at each other, surprised.

"Sweetheart, are you sure? You dont have to rush into this. You should take your time and think i-"

"No appa. I am sure this time," she gave a smile, hoping it would convince them. "I want to marry Hyun Dae. I think he and I will make a very happy marriage,"

"W-well.." her eomma looks unsure. "Okay.. then,"

"If you are sure sweetheart. Then we will start setting it up," her appa stood up and hugs her. "Just know that we both love you so much and want nothing but your happiness,"

Y/N nods slowly, tears brimming in her eyes, softly she whispers,

"Me too appa, me too..,"

/////

Tupp. Tupp.

Y/N looks over the sliding door that opens up to her huge balcony. What is that sound? Panicking, she grab the first thing she can reach, a hairbrush, and walk slowly to the glass sliding door.

Tupp. Tupp.

The sound continue. Taking a deep breath she bravely slides open the door.

"Ouchhh," she rubs her head. "What the hell?" She looks around to find what hit her. "A pebble?"

"Oh no, did I hit you?" A voice called out. Y/N looks over the balcony.

"Hyun Dae? What are you doing here? Its 2am!"

"I, uh.. I want to talk to you," he grins.

"Theres this thing call a telephone you know? Or a front door? Havent use one of those?" She glares and Hyun Dae laughs.

"Sorry. I just thought this Romeo and Juliet shit is romantic you know?" He laughs and Y/N rolls her eyes. "Can you come down? Lets take a walk in your garden,"

"Come down from here? Like Rapunzel?!"

Hyun Dae laughs. "Oh my god, how are you so adorable? Of course not! Use the front door silly,"

Y/N giggles. "Okay. Be right there,"

A few minutes later, they were strolling in Y/N's family flower garden, inhaling the fresh night air.

"So? What is it you want to talk about that cant wait until daylight?"

"Well," Hyun Dae stop walking and pull her hand, sitting her down on the stone bench. "I just want to do it properly and formally," he smiles and kneels down in front of her, holding her hand.

Y/N looks at him, both nervous and confused.

"Y/N, you dont know how truly happy, grateful, excited, speechless, ecstatic I am that you agreed to marry me. I have been in love with you since forever," he smiles and blush slightly. "And I know this is just an arranged marriage to you, and you dont love me. But right here, right now, I promise you, that I will make you the happiest girl alive, that I will love you despite everything and anything, and everything you wish for princess, is my command,"

Y/N feels her heart beats faster.

"L/N Y/N, will you marry me and make me the luckiest man ever lived?"

Without a doubt, without a single second of hesitation, she nodded.

"Yes, yes, definitely yes,"

/////

"You look distracted. Whats wrong?" Yoongi glance at Taehyung whos just staring blankly at his mirror as they are changing and cleaning up their makeup.

"Uh... nothing hyung," Taehyung quickly pretends to clean up his things.

"Its not nothing. You have been distracted for a few weeks now. I didnt want to say anything because I thought you would snap out of it but its just getting worse,"

"Its really nothing hyung!" Taehyung snaps and plop down on his chair, sighing. Yoongi shrugs and decide to give him some space. "Err.. hyung?"

"Yeah?"

"Why..uh... why doesnt Y/N come over to our shows anymore?" Taehyung finally open up his mouth to ask. Since that first time they met, she has always been around, cheering for them, right at the front row. But after her confession, he didnt see her anymore. Yeah, he felt bad about what he said and he tried calling, texting, video calling.. but nothing. Shes totally ignoring him. He wanted to meet her at her house, or her work place, until he realized he didnt know where to go. In fact, he didnt know anything about her. All the time they hung out, he only always talk about him. His life, his problems. Him. As if its that interesting. He sighs again.

Yoongi side eyed him.

"Is that what disturbing you? Y/N?"

"N-no. Im just curious,"

"Oh, okay then. Then the answer is, I dont want to tell you," Yoongi picks up his stuff and walk off.

Of course. Of course his hyung knows. Yoongi and Y/N are best friends afterall. Taehyung sighs. Well, maybe he deserves this. But still... he doesnt want to admit it to anybody, even himself, but deep down, he miss her. Really miss her.

/////

"Okay guys, lets go. We need to get ready," Namjoom clap his hands as a way to make his members make their way to the dressing room. Its awards season finally, and they need to get ready for their stage. Taehyung makes his way with his hyung to the back of the stage, wishing for all this to be over soon. He really wants to just rest his head.

As he was putting on the final touches he turns to the door and saw Y/N standing there, all dressed in a beautiful gown, fit for an award show. His first thought is, wow, and the second is that his eyes are playing tricks on him. But as Y/N makes her way inside and hugs Yoongi, he knows this is reality. Taehyung smiles. He cant help it. Did Yoongi told her about what he said a few days back and now shes here to see him?

Taehyung walks over the moment he gets the chance to get her alone.

"Hey," Taehyung smiles.

"Um.. hey," Y/N smiles awkwardly.

"So, why are you here? You miss me or something? Or are you stalking me?" He laughs.

"No, I'm actually h-"

"Hey baby, there you are. The crew said you went in first," A handsome guy, and obviously a chaebol makes his way to them, giving Y/N a kiss on the cheek and hugging her waist.

"Hi babe," she smiles. "Yeah, I went in to see Yoongi. Its time you meet my mysterious bestie,"

Taehyung was silenced, eyeing the man up and down. Baby? Cheek kissing? Waist hugging? Who is this guy?

"Oh is this Yoongi?" He smiles and held out a hand. Taehyung took it reluctantly.

"Oh no no. This is Kim Taehyung. Hes uh... Yoongi's band member,"

Yoongi's band member? Thats all he is??

"Oh okay. Hi, I'm Hyun Dae," he smiles and shakes Taehyung's hand before hugging Y/N's waist again. Taehyung felt like pulling off his arm, and he dont know why he felt that way.

"Lets go meet Yoongi," Y/N smiles and bows to him and move over to Yoongi, leaving Taehyung still staring at them. Once Yoongi and Hyun Dae are caught up in a conversation, Taehyung immediatly grab Y/N by the elbow and drag her to the side.

"Ouchh. What the hell Tae?!"

"Are you seriously this petty?" Taehyung scoffs.

"Petty?? What are you even talking about?"

"Fine, I rejected you. So now you are bringing this... this... stuck up someone here for what? To show me that you have moved on? To make me jealous?" Taehyung scoffs again. "As if,"

"What?!" Y/N looks at him in disbelief. "God Taehyung, you are so full of yourself! Hes not stuck up! And I'm not here for you!"

"Yeah right," Taehyung smile sarcastically. "So, hyung told you I asked and the next show you brought a man over? Please Y/N, have some pride,"

"What are you even talking about? Yoongs never talked about you. At all! Im here becaus-"

"Oh Taehyung, you have already met," his manager interrupted the conversation and bows to Y/N as Hyun Dae join her side. "Okay guys, gather round. I think all of you must already know about The Empire. As you know, their company owns and organized all show events in Korea and is one of the biggest in the music industry, among others. The president cant make it, so his daughter is here instead. And she and her fiancee just wants to meet all the artists her tonight to express their gratitude,"

Y/N and Hyun Dae bows and smiles to everyone as Taehyung stands frozen in place, the only thing he can hear is 'fiance'. Y/N is... engaged?

And... shes an heir?

"You and me Y/N... we are just worlds apart,"

Yeah, they are worlds apart. He was right. But the truth is, Taehyung is the one whos way beneath her.

/////

"Lets go, lets go peopleeee," Namjoon clapped his hands a sign for them to get moving. Taehyung and the rest of the members climbed up their black van, still yawning from having to wake up early in the morning. They are off to another country for a month for their variety show shoot. A special content, the management said. Something to do with their new sponsors. Taehyung never really pay attention to all the boring details, all he knows is, he will do what he is asked to do, no question asked.

But as they land and making their way out from their private plane, Taehyung, still half asleep, need to take a double take when he saw Y/N and her fiance at the arrivals, standing atound with the crew, their luggage all around them.

"H-hyung?" He nervously tapped Yoongi's shoulder.

"What?" Yoongi grumbled, still cranky from being awaken from his beauty sleep on the plane.

"Are my eyes playing tricks on me or is that uh... Y/N?" Taehyung really wished he has gone crazy. Thats he is seeing things. That Yoongi will look at him funny and tell him theres no Y/N. And Yoongi did look at him funny, but his answer is totally not what hes expecting.

"Dont you know? Her father's company is our new sponsor for the show and they are here to monitor the shoot,"

Taehyung stopped in his tracks. He dont know why the news startled him. It shouldnt be affecting him at all. Right? Even he dont understand what he is feeling as he looked over to Y/N and Hyun Dae smiling at each other. Anger? Sadness? Happy? He cant be sure. But one thing he knows for sure, its going to be one hell of a month.

/////

"So... you arent going to tell me that you are engaged?" Taehyung jogged lightly, to catch up with Y/N whom he saw is taking a morning walk from his hotel roon window. They have free schedule for the first day and what luck, the first thing he saw this morning is Y/N, alone. Without that stupid chaebol.

"Oh, uh hi Taehyung," Y/N, startled at his presence, give a small smile and a polite bow.

"Hi Y/N," he smile. Honestly, he missed her. Well, they were pretty close before. As friends. Yes, of course as friends and nothing more! Taehyung reminded himself. "But seriously, you are never going to tell me you are engaged?"

"Do I have to?" Y/N raised an eyebrow. "I mean, I'm not even sure if I'm your friend or yoongis friend or whatever, you know? And I dont think you be interested to know anyway," she picked up her pace but Taehyung managed to catch up.

"What do you mean?! Of course I wanna know! And of course we are friends! And you didnt think to tell me that you father own half of Korea's music industry?" He chuckled, trying to lighten the mood.

"Well, you never ask. And I'm not one to go around telling people my family history Tae," she shrugged. "Afterall, why would a worldstar want to know about someone who is from a different world than him, right?"

Okay, he deserved that.

"Okay, Y/N, look," he pull her hand, stopping her from walking. "I am sorry about what I said that day. I dont know what I was thinking. I was startled by your confession. To be honest, the months I spent without seeing you at all, well... I missed you. I miss you, okay?"

Y/N sighed. Why is he doing this to her? Her heart is still recovering. Still trying to erased every love she felt for him.

"We are going to spend a whole month working together. Stuck in a small island. Why dont we be friends again? Hmm?" He made his famous puppy eyes, blinking his eyes rapidly, lips pouting. "Pleaaaase? Taetae is sorrryy,"

Y/N tried to keep a sttaight face but burst out laughing. She can never say no to that face.

"Fine Tae. You know I cant resist that stupid face," she laughs.

"So, friends?" Taehyung held out a hand and Y/N shakes it.

"Of course, friends,"

As he shakes her hand, smiling ear to ear, Taehyung realized, he had never felt this happy, and it scared him.

/////

They might have rekindled their friendship, but Taehyung couldnt get even 10 minutes alone with her without being disturbed by Yoongi or Hyun Dae, and its pissing him off. Worse, he have to watch all the romantic moments between the two love birds, and trust him, Hyun Dae is really not afraid to show his affection, its making him wants to throw up.

Suprising Y/N with flowers on set, setting up a special candle light dinner when the whole crew is eating, suddenly gets on stage in the middle of dinner and sing her a song. And that motherfucker can even play a guitar and he look damn good playing it too. Taehyung swore all the girls there are swooning over him. But what he hates most is all the admiring whispers.

"Y/N is so lucky"

"Hyun Dae is the perfect guy"

"I wish I was Y/N"

Urghhh. Annoying.

It also doesnt help that his relationship with Oraia has gone stale. Yeah, they text everyday, call each other every night. But nothing she says interest him. Taehyung mostly tune out whatever shes saying during their phone calls, eyes focusing on what Y/N is doing. The way she laughs when she talks to someone, her clusmy ways of doing things, her passion while working. All that is more interesting to him than his own girlfriend. His supppsedly perfect, beautiful, girlfriend.

It must be the island. He hasnt seen Oraia for almost a month now, and hes stuck here for all that time. Of course it will put a strain on his relationship. Yes, that must be it.

But as his heart bubbles with jealousy as he watches Y/N and Hyun Dae running around the beach, Hyun Dae catching Y/N by the waist and lift her up to kiss her, Taehyung knows for sure, that it is definitely not it.

/////

Taehyung tossed and turned for hours and after eventually still failing to fall asleep, he decide to take a walk by the beach. The moon is out and the breeze is welcoming. Its a good night to walk and collect his thoughts.

As he walked slowly along the beach, the cool air blowing his hair, he saw a figure sitting alone by the beach, eyes closed, enjoying the midnight breeze. Taehyung immediately smile.

Y/N.

"Hey," he approached her slowly and smile.

"Oh, Tae. Hi," she smiled back. "What are you doing here at this hour?"

"I cant sleep. What about you? Isnt it dangerous for a pretty girl to be alone so late at night?" He smile.

Y/N laughs.

"Its a private island Tae. I think its kinda safe. And you know I usually cant sleep and the sound of the ocean calms me down,"

Taehyung does know that. Back to the days when they use to spend so much time together, they always sit by the beach and talked. Well, usually, he will be the one who do the talking, because all he cares about is himself. And his problems. And Y/N always listen. To all his weird ramblings, his peculiar thoughts that people usually laugh at. Even Oraia sometimes makes fun of him. But Y/N listen to them all. Understand him even. Why didnt he realized that before?

"Well... can I join you?"

"Of course. Have a seat," she patted down the spot besides her and Taehyung makes himself comfortable. They talked and talked, laughter filled up the night air and Taehyung cant seem to care about anything else other than that moment.

"Oh god, my tummy is hurting from laughing so much," Y/N said, still giggling from what Taehyung said. "I forgot how funny and weird you are Taetaeee,"

Taehyung smile and looked at her, staring deeply at her laughing face.

"Its nice,"

"What is?" Y/N who has stopped laughing, asked him, confused.

"Hearing you call me Taetae again," he smile, making Y/N blushed.

"W-well, that is your name,"

"Yeah, yeah. It is," Taehyung smile, still staring at her. "Y/N? Are you happy?"

"Right now? Yeah I am. We have been laughing for hours Tae. Of course Im happy. Whats wrong with you?" Y/N giggles, trying to toned down the awkwardness shes starting to feel.

"No. I mean, are you happy? Like really happy? With Hyun Dae? Does he makes you happy?"

"H-hyun Dae?" Y/N was taken aback from the sudden question. "Uhh, of course I am, hes my fiance, of course he makes me happy Tae,"

"Really? Then why did you stutter?" Taehyung still looks at her, straight into her eyes with his sharp gaze.

"I- I did not stutter! Whats wrong with you Tae? You are being weird. But not normal weird," Y/N starts to dust off the sand off her, preparing to get up. "Its getting late. We should go in,"

Taehyung grab her hands, standing up with her.

"Do you love him? Do you love Hyun Dae?"

"Why are you asking me that Tae? You are being weird!" Y/N tries to shake off his grip but he held on tighter.

"Answer the question Y/N. Do you love him?"

"Hyun Dae is amazing! He cares for me. He loves me. He knows what I like, sweet, romantic, p-"

"But do you love him?"

"I-I," Y/N stuttered. "I dont need to answer that!" Y/N tries to pull her hand again but to no avail.

"You cant answer it because you dont love him. And you cant lie to me," Taehyung smile.

"You are crazy. Let my hand go Tae," Y/N insisted. "It has nothing to do with you!"

"But it does Y/N. It does, because you dont love him. Because you love me," Taehyung state matter of factly. "You always did and you always will Y/N,"

Y/N was speechless, shocked, surprised, that Taehyung would bring it up again. Tears starts to sting her eyes. She has never felt more hummiliated. Is Taehyung making fun of her? Of her feelings? She thought they were friends again. Why is he doing this to her?

"Just let me go!"

"I cant, and I wont,"

"Why?!" Y/N is crying now. She dont understand why Taehyung is being this way. "To hummiliate me even more? To make fun of my feelings for you?"

"What? No!" Taehyung cant believe Y/N would think of him to be that cruel. But maybe he deserved it. "Because I love you Y/N!" Taehyung pull her hands, making her fall into his arms and he immediately cup her face and captured her lips with hers. The kiss has never felt more electricfying. Taehyung felt goosebump all over his body, he hears fireworks went off everywhere. And right at that moment, he knows that hes in love.

But the moment only last for a split second when Y/N, tears already spilled down her cheeks pushed him away hard and slapped him across the face.

"Get away from me Kim Taehyung!"

Was the last word she screamed out before she ran away into the darkness.

/////

Taehyung almost went crazy trying to finish the rest of the shooting. After that fateful night, Y/N took the earliest flight home the next morning, leaving Taehyung with no way to contact her at all. No reply to his texts or his calls and he cant even get away from his stupid schedule to find her at home. He was lost.

Its the very first time in his life that he has seen things so clearly. He is in love with Y/N. And she left him being so lost.

It also doesnt help that after Taehyung told Oraia that he wants to break up, his crazy ex girlfriend bombared his calls, his texts, his friends, even his manager with texts begging to take her back. She even went so far as to include the media, giving sad interviews, crying her eyes out. Taehyung wondered how he didnt notice how crazy Oraia is. Maybe its true what they said, love is blind. But what they had isnt love. It never was. They both know they got together just because they seemed to look perfect for each other. Thats not love, and Oraia is just mad that shes no longer one half of the industry perfect couple.

/////

"Hey Tae?" Yoongi knocks on his hotel room, peeking his head. Theres still a week left of shooting, but Taehyung's heart is no where in it. All he wanted to do is to go back home, find Y/N and begged for her forgiveness until she takes her back. Hes going to convince her that he loves her. He really do. And not because he pity her, or because hes jealous of her relationship with Hyun Dae, but because he just realized it now. That from that moment he asked her where the bathroom is, hes already in love. Y/N has already caught his eyes, and heart from that first night at the concert, but he is too busy chasing his fame and title to realized it.

And now it might be too late.

Taehyung might have already lost the love of his life, forever.

"Yeah hyung?" Yoongi make his way in and sit on Taehyung's bed.

"Did something happen between you and Y/N? Did she going back home early has anything to do with you?"

Taehyung looked at his hyung with tired eyes. No longer bother to pretend or curious why his hyung us asking.

I told her I love her...." Taehyung said, tears stinging his eyes at the memory. "And she thinks I'm just playing her,"

Yoongi sighed.

"Are you?"

Taehyung sits up and hugs a pillow, looking at Yoongi with teary eyes.

"No hyung. Of course not. I really do love her. I love her so much. Im just too stupid to realized it then," he sniffles. "And now, I have to wait until this stupid shoot is over to win her back hyung, because shes not answering my calls or my texts. And I swear hyung, I will do everything to win her back from that Hyun Dae,"

Yoongi sighs again, looking away before looking back at the younger man.

"Tae... Y/N is getting married today. She suddenly said she wants to get married as soon as possible, doesnt matter if its a small wedding. She just wants to get married. Today,"

Taehyung looked at his hyung, eyes widen, not believing what hes hearing.

"I-I have to go hyung," he suddenly gets up.

"Go where Tae? What are you doing?"

Taehyung grabs his bag, not thinking anymore.

"To stop the wedding hyung, to win back the love of my life,"

/////

Y/N looks at her reflection in the mirror. Even with last minute preparations, her mother managed to do everything perfectly. Her dress, her makeup, her hair, her flowers, even her dressing room is perfect. Y/N smile to her reflection. But she knows its only superficial. Its a smile she puts on to convince everyone, to convince herself, that shes making the right decision. The right choice.

That shes happy.

And she know Hyun Dae will make her happy.

He have to.

"Dont marry him,"

Y/N turns around to find Kim Taehyung by the door. His hair a mess, shirt crumpled, eyes bloodshot from crying.

"T-Tae..."

"Dont marry him Y/N," he move closer to her. "Dont do it. Please. Please Y/N,"

"Taehyung, what are you doing here?" Y/N feel tears prickling her eyes. Why is he here. Why now? Why today?

"To tell you I love you Y/N," Taehyung sniffles and take her hand. "T-to tell you to not marry him. Dont marry him Y/N,"

"I-I cant Tae," Y/N shakes her head. "Hyun Dae deserves all the happiness in the world. He treats me so good Tae,"

"Then what about you? You deserve happiness too. Happiness with me Y/N,"

Y/N close her eyes and shakes her head. Why is Taehyung telling her all the things shes dying to hear before? But its all too late now. Too late.

"Marry me Y/N. Marry me. And I'll make you the happiest woman in the world. Marry me," Taehyung sobs and kneel down on his knees, begging, hand still holding hers.

Y/N starts to shake, trying to hold in her tears but it rolled out anyway, flooding her face.

"D-dont do this to me Tae. You dont love me. You dont. You dont!"

"I love you Y/N. I love you I love you I love you! I know I realized it too late. And thats my mistake. But I swear to you, that I'll spend forever making it up to you," Taehyung begs desperately. He cant lose her. He cant! "Please. Please, dont marry him Y/N. Please..."

Y/N closes her eyes. Tears rolling down her face, no intention of stopping. She wanted to say yes. God, how she wanted to say yes. How easy it would be. To be with the man he love. The man he had dreamed of. But she cant. Its not fair to Hyun Dae. And its not fair to her. To her heart that Taehyung has broken to pieces.

"Im sorry Taehyung... I cant," Y/N let go of his hand, tears dropping on the floor, wetting her beautiful white dress.

Taehyung felt like his whole world shattered to pieces. Thats it. Just two words. "I cant" and he lost her. He lost the love of his life.

After felt like an eternity, he stood up, face still wet with tears but a smile on his face.

"You look beautiful Y/N," he smile. "You always do.

Y/N sobs hard, her whole body shakes.

"Be happy Y/N. Hes an idiot if he dont take care of you. If he hurt you like I do. Hes an absolute idiot," Taehyung smile and carressed her face softly. "Be happy my princess. And when the time comes, come back to me. I'll always be waiting Y/N, because you are my true love, and we will always find our way back to each other,"

Taehyung placed a long, deep kiss on her forehead, eyes closed as tears flows down, knowing he has lost the love of his life, trying to savor the feel of her in his memories.

"I love you Y/N. And I'll wait for you, forever," he smile one last time as he turns around and walk away, leaving Y/N drenched in her tears.

/////

5 YEARS LATER

"Woohoooo, last concert for this tour guys, good job!" The members high five each other as they make their way into the dressing room backstage. Taehyung laughs and make his way into his own personal room, exhausted from a show well done.

"Hi, do you know where the bathroom is?"

Taehyung stopped in his track at the sound of the voice. A voice so familiar. A voice that haunts his dream for years. A voice that he never forgets.

He looks up, and there she is. Smiling at him.

"Y-Y/N?"

Y/N nods, giggling.

"Y/N?!" Taehyung runs to her and engulf her in a hug. "I am not dreaming am I? A-are you really here?"

Y/N giggles again.

"Its me Tae. Real life me. Im real,"

"W-why? H-how?"

"Well, if Im not mistaken, 5 years ago, someone told me that we will always find our way back to each other. And that he will wait for me, forever. Im just checking if he still keeps his promise," Y/N grins.

Taehyung hugs her tight.

"You dont know how I dream of this day every single day Y/N. How I waited to see you again. To feel you again. To hear your voice again," Taehyung hugs her, not letting go.

"Ive come back Taehyung. Ive come back to you,"

Taehyung cant believe this is happening. Then he remembered something. And although its something hes dreading to ask, he knows he has to know.

"H-Hyun Dae?"

Y/N smile at his nervous state. She has never seen someone so adorable. God, shes just so in love with him.

"We were never married Tae. When you came that day... everything changed. I didnt marry him. I couldnt. Not when I know my heart belongs to you. And Hyun Dae... he knows it too. And he loves me enough to let me find my own happiness,"

"W-what?"

"Im sorry it took so long. But I need to find myself. To really understand my feelings, your feelings... but Im here now, Taehyung... if you still want me..."

Taehyung grins.

"Is that even a question my love?"

Y/N giggles at the way he calls her.

"I love you Y/N. Since that first night we met. I have been yours. Im sorry for hurting you. Im sorry for my mistakes. Im sorry fo-"

"Shhhh," she puts a finger on his lips. "It doesnt matter anymore Tae. All of it doesnt matter anymore," she smile. "Im here now. You are here now. And I, I love you Kim Taehyung,"

Taehyung grins. Such word has never felt so sweet. He felt happiness bubbling inside his chest. And in the first time in 5 years, he really mean it.

"I love you Y/N, my love, my soulmate,"

"I love you Taehyung. You really had me at bathroom," she giggles.

"Oh shut up," Taehyung laughs and lifts her up, wrapping her legs around him. "Just shut up and kiss me. Just kiss me baby,"

And she really did.

#bts #bangtan boys #bangtan seonyeondan #bts fiction #bts fanfic #kim taehyung #bts v #taehyung scenario #taehyung angst #taehyung fiction #kpop #kpop fanfic #kpop scenario #bts jungkook #jeon jungkook #jungkook fanfic #jungkook angst

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figuringouthowtobehere · 3 years

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please dont reblog this

i dont have many ppl to talk to. so here i am, screaming into the void that is my tumblr again.

im mostly posting this because im alone. im really really fucking alone. and im hoping i might, idfk, make a solid, trustable connection from tumblr??? idfk. im alone in the world.

please dont reblog this

cw family issues, su*cidality, abandonment, abuse, childhood abuse, trauma, being alone in the world

i have no one to go to. my entire life since i was a baby all ive ever been able to do is survive at the skin of my teeth. and here i am, 20, breathing, trying so fucking hard to live and, idk if im succeeding. im doing my film shit which is cool but. im alone. im on my own. im alone in the world. i never had parents. like, obviously i had parents, but they were never parents, dyou know what i mean? like the people who genetically made me were around but they were abusing me or just being awful or refusing to listen to me about what i needed from them, from their parenthood.

i had a conversation with my mom yesterday (after two days of not being able to get a hold of her and really really needing to) and i was basically just like ‘why cant you be my mom’ and she was like ‘i am your mom’ and i was like ‘well, yeah, but youre not--you cant--you dont mother me. and you dont mother me in the ways i need you to.’ and she was like ‘what does that look like to you?’ and i said ‘someone who i can turn to, always, someone who has my back no matter what, someone who respects me and what i need and who listens to me and trusts my experience and, yeah, someone who i can turn to always’ and she said ‘i mean i can talk with you on the phone, i can tell you what i think you should do, i can try to give you advice from my experience, but as far as someone having your back 24/7 always, i cant do that’ and we ended up talking about how im an adult now - and she was talking about it in the sense of ‘youre a grown man now, you dont need your mom like that anymore’ - and im like ‘ya, i am basically a grown man but i still need my mom. i still need parents.’ and i think im gonna end up cutting contact with her again because its too hard to simultaneously grieve her not being the mom i need and also talk to her. if im not talking to her then i can deal with the idea that i dont have a mother, that i dont have parents and i probably never will.

ive never really had people. i never really had friends when i was a child and i dont really have friends now. maybe its cause im trans, maybe its cause im autistic, maybe its cause im mixed, i dont know, but generally people in the world dont like me or it takes them a long time to not hate me. it doesnt matter why right now the point is i never had people (like, a support system) and i dont now.

so yeah im pretty seriously thinking about killing myself (or, trying to anyway). i dont wanna die but ive spent my whole life trying to just. be a person. and find contentment. and everything in my life ends up going awful or causing me a lot of trouble at some point or another. ive come to expect it. whenever anything happens in my life im just like ‘when will this go wrong. how long will it take this time.’ and im alone. im just fucking on my own. and i know theres lots of people who are and have been more alone than i am/have been and i admire these people so fucking much like GO YOU!! YOUFUCKING DID IT!!! HELL YEAH! im so proud of u. for real, i have so much respect for all yall reading this who have made it through shit and made it through being alone in the world. you fucking got this. youre doing it. good fucking job!!!!! ✨ but then. idk ig it doesnt take away from this being incredibly fucking difficult for me. pretty much everything in my life was fucked from birth to age 18 and now over half of everything in my life is fucked. which is better, for sure, but its still. ive never had a chance. idk it just seems to me like it doesnt matter. i can try and try and do all the therapies and take all the psych meds a psychiatrist might give me and i can meditate all the time. it just seems like im Doomed. (WOW i sound dumb and childish) like ik logically this is probably incorrect, that im not actually just.. doomed but thats how it feels. whenever a good thing happens im just waiting for it to collapse on me. and usually it does in way or another. generally not because of anything ive done or havent done, it just ends up being shit.

and then. ive never had anyone. i dont have anyone. im alone in the world. like its not that im ignoring people i do have or choosing to omit them from my mind right now. i have a singular friend in the place where i live; my other two friends both live in the states. i live with someone who was a support for me until like last ... july or so, i think, who now makes me feel like shit (they arent being malicious its just a bunch of issues in our relationship. theres more on that in stuff ive posted before, if you feel like digging through my posts for a while go ahead and youll find more on that) and i have like 5% (out of 100%) trust for them. i have a therapist who i see once a week and ik shes invested in me, but thats her job. and i cant just call her whenever i want. i have several people for film stuff but theyre either just casual pals and then colleagues or just colleagues. i know a lot of people, who dont really show any investment in me as a person or their relationship with me and who i dont really click well with. and thats it.

and im so. im so in love with Film. all of it. (not The Film Industry obviously.) im so fucking in love with it. the only real concrete reason that i wont end up killing myself in the next like month or two is because Film. and i just. need. people. i need parents. or something. fuck.

i think part of this is probably the long-term ramifications of ongoing childhood sexual, physical, and psychological abuse and never really having good, consistent support cause id be surprised if that didnt fuck with my brain (and, yk, untreated severe childhood brain damage from tbis beginning at less than a year old). but it doesnt really matter does it. ive been through the shit time and again and its not like anyone has appeared and been like ‘hello, i see you never had parents, this is who i am, would you like to get to know each other for a while and maybe i could be your mom?’ cause thats literally what i need. i need parents. like i know theres a thing of ‘if you didnt have parents then you cant undo that damage’ but like idk. if someone has a bunch of unhealed broken bones that got broken years ago that are now causing them a lot of pain you wouldnt just be like ‘sorry, i see youre in trouble from this shit, but because it happened years ago theres nothing we can do’ cause there is??? i forget how i was gonna say this before but like. i didnt have parents. with the ‘parents’ i had its a scientific anomaly i lived past age three. i refuse to believe that having Good Parents and a Good Support System now would do nothing for me. cause it would.

im also facing impending homelessness due to a) welfare/disability programs not giving you enough to live off and b) not having a roommate/not having support systems/not having people. so that doesnt help.

i dont know how to do this. im on my own. im doing all i can. ive reached out to everyone i feel like i could reach out to and. im on my own.

help. i guess. idk what that means but im, once again, at an incredibly fucking AWFUL point in my life and i need help. i doubt anyone will be able to but. if youre able to then. idk. do something. ik that i sound desperate and pitiful and i literally dont care at all because i literally am desperate for support and i literally am at - ANOTHER - extremely low point in my life and its pitiful. im cringing at myself actually posting this because its like ‘you think youre actually find what you need via a tumblr post? where are you? cause thats not real life dude’ but i dont fucking have people to talk to (as you have already understood 🙃) and im tired and tired and tired and tired.

if you took the time to read this i thank you and i hope ur day is going vvv well

please dont reblog this!!

#childhood abuse tw #tw #tw alone in the world #suicide tw #please dont reblog this #no rb #homelessness tw

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maknaesdancersrappers · 4 years

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july 21

hello. july 21 is a special day for me and you dont have to read this because its just me venting out my thoughts and emotions as long as i can without word/character limits on any platform.

july 21 is my maternal grandmother’s birthday. when i was born, my mom went abroad often and my dad had the regular 9 to 5 job plus extra hours for commute. so growing up with my sisters who are 5 and 7 years older, our grandparents and aunts took care of us.

im also more fond of my maternal grandmother since my paternal grandmother lived far away and we rarely ever get to see her (usually only during summers and once she stayed with us for awhile) until she passed away from Alzheimer's.

during the long hiatus i took early this year (late december to mid-march?), a lot has happened in my life. my health was put at risk because of the ash fall brought by the volcano eruption (january 12); i had allergies for weeks - i couldnt breathe properly, let alone sleep because of it. it was about to be the second year after graduating college and i have yet to get a job; the pressure from my family - and myself - was so unbearable that i caught myself slipping back to my very, very, very dark thoughts. and the worst thing that happened in those three months: my grandmother passed away. in filipino, grandmother is lola (loh-lah) and i’d like to use that for the rest of this post.

if you ask anyone in their neighborhood, any of our family friends, and relatives, everyone will tell you that her death was sudden. because everyone knows her as the sometimes-funny-sometimes-cranky old lady that owns the convenience store at the corner of the street. she was 96. she was 96 but she refused to get a wheelchair or use a walking stick even though her knees started to hurt after a few steps. she was 96 but didn’t need glasses to read most of the time. she was 96 but didn’t have any maintenance medication. ever since she reached her 90′s, she had gone to the town clinic at least twice because she fell over (from loss of balance) and busted her head. yet she would walk the next day like she doesnt have stitches on her scalp. she hated going to the doctor, she’d always claim that nothing hurts and the only thing she wanted the doctor to fix was her hearing (its as weak as how her eyesight is clear)

i wasnt the only one in the family that got severely affected by the ash fall. my lola also had trouble breathing because of it. she also went to the doctor for it and they only prescribed her antibiotics. please remember this info. this should be around early february

she got a little better but her voice was very hoarse from the phlegm. even before this, lola had little to no appetite and would only eat when someone else is eating (usually if it’s us, her granddaughters). and by little to no appetite, i mean her whole meal would be three spoonfuls of rice and one piece/chunk of whatever the main dish/ulam is. whenever we ask if she had eaten (even though we know she hadnt) she’d always claim that she already has (this eventually became a little joke in our family.) we took this sign as her dementia getting worse (although she was never really diagnosed with it, we had naturally assumed it because she would always repeatedly tell us stories that she insists happened even though some have been debunked and there were times she forgets our names if we havent visited in a while.)

after she gets better from the cough (idk the real diagnosis of it), her legs started to swell and because her routine had been reduced to being bedridden for most of the day, my aunts thought it was just poor circulation. it took two weeks before they brought her back to the town clinic and again, they just prescribed her with some medicine. everything after this is blurry to me until feb 21

my mom, being the eldest, made the decision to bring lola to the hospital. she’s, rightfully, unsatisfied with the town doctor’s diagnosis and prescriptions because lola is in so much pain and her legs were still swollen and its been weeks. i was with her in the emergency room while my mom and aunt did the paper work and the staff ran tests on lola. i’m contacting my sister who was in singapore and we’d video call to entertain lola since she was very adamant - and vocal - that she did not want to be admitted to the hospital bc she was “fine.” goSh she made so many hospital staff laugh because she would always announce whenever she had to fart. after like 2 hours, we move her into a ward and my mom tells me that i’ll have to stay overnight to watch over her. i was very apprehensive of this idea. i honestly did not want to. seeing her in pain was bad enough, but the fact we were in a room with other people and she was crying out loud made me really anxious but it was final. my mom, aunt, and uncle all went back home just to have dinner and they’ll come back since lola’s doctor would be coming by to give the results and for that hour they were gone? i lost it.

lola started talking/praying out loud, asking god why she was in so much pain, asking what she had done to deserve this; and i didn’t know what to do but hold her hand and kiss her head. i couldn’t even show her i was crying. when my mom got back, i told her i cant do it and she eventually convinced my other sister to join me, who cancelled her plans for the next day. that night, i did not and could not fall asleep. after a few hours, her doctor finally came by and dropped a bomb on us. he was kind enough to talk to my mom and aunt behind the curtains in the softest voice ever while i helped the nurse with lola, but i could hear him crystal clear.

cancer of the liver.

they even momentarily walked back to lola to touch her stomach and stepped back out. i almost thought i misheard, but my mom and aunt’s expressions were too grim that it basically confirmed it. later on, my mom finally told me and explained that the antibiotics she had been taking weeks ago were too strong for her because of her lifestyle and diet. there were tumors in her liver and surgery wouldn’t do anything. i dont remember what i did aside from sketching on the journal i brought, but until i got home at 10am the next day, i did not sleep a wink.

feb 22. when i woke up at 2PM, i was told that they had lola discharged from the hospital. there was nothing we could do but try to ease the pain to the best of our abilities and wait. starting that day, i went over to lola’s house to help out with feeding her, giving her medicine, and just trying to keep her happy by randomly smiling at her when i see her looking around or dancing to no music.

feb 24. these were the early weeks of covid - ph hadn’t had a case yet, i believe, but travel restrictions were being implemented. my sister in singapore was doing everything to make sure she could come home because we don’t know when, but we know lola was leaving soon. of all the things our mom told her not to do, she cried at the entrance of the embassy and by the grace of god, someone took pity and listened to her (bc she was denied entry since she had a small cough) and she was able book a flight at midnight and be home in 4 hours. that afternoon, when i arrived at lola’s house, that was the very first time i stood at the doorway to greet her like i usually did and she didn’t smile. not even the corners of her lips moved. she was in that much pain that she couldn’t even greet me back like she always did, which was to smile and nod her head. that night, we all decided to sleepover there (with the exception of my dad since he had to feed our dogs at home). i take my usual seat in the living room and i notice a white dress that i remember (from photos) being lola’s 50th anniversary wedding gown and without being told, i know it was what she was going to wear for the very last time.

feb 25. being notoriously a late sleeper, i was about to go to sleep at 2AM when i hear lola groaning and whining out loud. when i checked her, her stubborn lil ass was trying to get out of bed alone!!! so i obviously panic and try to wake up anyone by exclaiming that lola had to go to the bathroom - she’s been wearing adult diapers for weeks now but refuses to go in them and is adamant about bringing her to the bathroom so she could relieve herself - so me, and the same aunt and uncle from the hospital, assisted her into this modified chair so she could pee and the only thing i could do was hold her hand, like always. after that, my uncle said he’d watch over her and lie down beside her on the bed so in case she needs to go again, he can take care of it himself. after falling asleep, i heard a few hours later that my sister from SG arrived. when i woke up later on, my sisters and i presented ourselves to lola bc its been so long since she last saw us complete, and this time she was able to give us a small nod of acknowledgement. i realized that none of my uncles and aunts went to work that day, thinking it was just so we could be complete since my sister was home. but then i overhear them making plans to have a priest come over for the sacrament of anointing of the sick - which based on my last and only experience (my grandfather/lolo), this must be the day. during the session, a few of my aunts and an uncle cried. my sisters cried, too, but i forced myself not to. when the priest left, i don’t know how long, but suddenly, she was gone. i didn’t know how to react. this was the second time i’ve seen someone pass away before my very eyes. everyone was crying out for forgiveness, kissing lola’s head, but i couldn’t move one bit. i was finally crying, but i couldn’t move at all.

3 days. from learning about the real problem with lola, it only took 3 days for it to take her away from us. not even a week, or a month. the only bright side to this was that she’s finally relieved of all the pain that’s been causing her suffering. 3 days of knowing her time was very, very short, but it was still a shock when she finally left.

for the longest time, lola’s goal was to reach the age of 100 because apparently our government will reward her with 100,000 pesos (like 2k usd) for doing so. she wanted to reach 100 because she wanted to leave us with some inheritance haha. and everyone believed she could do it. no one doubted her. until this happened. maybe its just me, but i feel foolish... completely stupid and ignorant for knowing deep down in my heart that she would reach 100 that losing her 3 years prior her goal hurt me more than ever.

it’s been 5 months but remembering her death still makes me cry. i have dreams (and you all know im a lucid dreamer) where she’s still alive and we’re talking about how she beat cancer at 96 in just a few months, but then i’ll remember that she didn’t and the dream in front of me just shatters and i’ll wake up empty and crying. i have never felt so much regret after she passed bc all she wanted was to see me graduate and it was up to me to show her that i got my first job and give her a portion of my first salary, but i couldn’t even do that. i waited too long and now its too late. her ideal type for me was a rich atenean boy who could drive 😂 and i still couldn’t give her that bc im so anti-men. there was a time i was so scared to go back to lola’s house bc she called me out during dinner - “baket ka malungkot/why are you sad?” - when all i was doing was browsing through my phone, scarily enough going through another “episode”, and the last person i’d ever want to know about my possible depression was her. of all my suicidal episodes, i’ve always resolved them by thinking of her - that i will continue living because i wanted to see her smile. because i wanted to see her happy.

i miss her so much. i wish i had been a better granddaughter to her. the small things i’ve done for her were never enough. in the past 5 months, i’ve only dreamt about her twice (actually being with her) and both times made the day so hard to function. i havent moved on and i dont know if im the only one. i dont know if i’ll ever move on. she would have been 97 today. whenever she forgets my name, i’ll tell her i have the same birthday as her and she’ll remember me. she’ll say “ahhh rosean! july 10!”

if someone read through this, im sorry you had to go through that mess. but thank you for hearing me out. no, i’ll thank you the way my lola would thank people, verbatim:

thank you very much from the bottom of my heart.

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ruiyuki-archives · 4 years

Text

Star Tear AU - Alt. Timeline: Todoroki ver. [Part 1]

This is an AU I wrote on the todomomo discord server eons ago. Anything posted to this blog will be transcripts of old original work and not really edited, save for formatting. I have no guarantees if I will ever finish these AUs either so these will only be kept as an archive.

Original transcript posted to tdmm discord: Aug 2020

Momo ver. Alternate timeline: Todo ver. Part 1 || Todo ver. Part 2 || Todo ver. Part 3

Star tears in which Todoroki falls for Momo first.

shortly after the exam with Aizawa he doesn’t know what he’s feeling but just admires her strength and quick thinking

and him hanging out with Deku and Iida at lunch means Todo hears all the nice and good things Momo does when she and Iida to discuss class prez stuff

which intensifies this ??admiration?? and respect more

and he just?? Holds onto those feelings unable to figure out what they are until idk maybe holidays where 1A and 1B throw that holiday hotpot party

and Momos really cute lookin’ in that Santa hat she made with the festive turtleneck

and so that feeling inside Todo grows into something more??? bc "oh shit she cute".... and Todo’s blushing while looking at her from afar. Probably.

so Todo talks to Fuyumi abt it and Fuyumi’s like: “I think you like her Shouto”

and he writes to his mom abt it and Rei's like: “she sounds like a lovely girl Shouto”

and he texts Natsuo abt it and Natsu's like: “aw little bro has a crush”

but all the while this is happening, Momo's gotten closer with Iida over class prez stuff and hero stuff and everyone in 1A (read: mina and hagakure) think iimomo might be a thing???

ofc Momo denies it and making excuses politely like "no no ofc not we're being responsible class prez and vice prez" but she’s kinda stuttery while doing so, so no one buys it

and no ones brave enough to ask Iida except Ochako but he gives some straight laced answer like "i admire her work ethic and respect her as a hero and vice prez" but he also has some tint of blush across his cheeks

so idk fast forward to graduation where Todo's been holding onto these feelings for Momo since first year and iimomo is still very very likely

so its all cherry blossom petals flying around and congratulatory celebrations

and when Todo sees Momo amongst the sakura trees smiling like he's never seen before (bc they're finally officially heroes!!) he thinks she’s beautiful

but just as he's about to approach her, Iida approaches her and Todo can see she's blushing and he knows its really not good to eavesdrop on one of his best friends and the girl he likes

But... he's curious.

or so he lies to himself.

Ofc what he hears isnt what he ever wants to,,,,

cuz Iida just confessed to her.

and she feels the same.

and a star tear slips from Todo's eye as he walks away.

he stops mid step as he touches his cheek bc he didnt even realize he was crying

but what are these tears??? What’s happening?? He's never had these before bc even though Todo is an emotional crier, he doesn’t cry that often.. only when he is completely overwhelmed with emotion

so he has this dumbfounded expression staring at his fingers as these star tears are twinkling out of his eyes catching sunlight and sakura petals

until he hears "Youre a fucking idiot" from a few steps away

Bakugou.

(Baku really likes eavesdropping ok its not the first time lol)

Baku: theyre called star tears.

Todo: You know what these are?

Baku: it happens when you like someone and that person doesnt like you back, idiot.

Todo: ... oh.

Baku: get that shit sorted or you'll go blind

(And for those who are curious, yes maaaayyybe Bakugou has a case of the stars in this timeline too, that’s how he knows. To whom? I'll let you decide bc honestly, I just want todobaku brotp bonding over unrequited love)

so now Todo thinks he might be fucked. One of his best friends confessed to the girl he likes too and she likes him back and now Todo has this disease that might make him go blind and might get in the way of heroing (which they've all secured post graduation positions by now) and what can he do about it?

nothing, says the doctor he sees. The disease is not curable and the only way to stop it is to have your feelings returned else you'll go colour blind and then completely blind, so he's told.

ya he's really fucked.

maybe its a good thing then, that he doesnt cry often. It makes it easier to ice over these feelings, freeze them in time with the memories of U.A.; of his last congratulations to her and her smile at the end of the ceremony an hour after he overheard that confession

maybe its another good thing that right after graduation, everyone went off to their own positions as side kicks with agencies across japan, focusing on heroing

but its 3 months after graduation that Iida tells Deku and Todoroki that he is seeing Momo when they meet up every Friday to catch up

its 6 months after graduation that its publicly announced in Hero Magazine that Ingenium and Creati are dating

its 9 months after graduation that he sees Iida and Momo attending the Hero Association's rising stars gala as a couple and are seated at the same table as them

(Bakugou is scowling at him across the table.)

Todo tries. He really does. To be happy for them.

but he's angry at himself that he can't be happy for them. That it saddens him to see Momo glowing under the ballroom lights but its not himself to make her shine like that, its Iida. That he sees she is the one to make Iida genuinely happy in the way his eyes light up when he smiles at her.

and all three times Todo goes home, lies down alone in his room, an arm slung across his forehead as the star tears leak from his eyes.

he starts to lose seeing colour at 12 months.

after 24 months he needs glasses for colour correction (and ironically gets a sponsorship with the brand. The fashion magazines print headlines for weeks "Hot-Cold Hero Shouto Fall Fashion! See page 7 spread for his newest spotted specks and turtle necks")

at 36 months Iida breaks the news. Iida's gonna propose to Yaoyorozu and wants him, Deku, and his brother to be his groomsmen

she said yes.

and a part of Todo washes away with the star tears flooding him room and twinkling against the tatami.

he tries to stay out of the wedding planning as much as possible. He'll go to the tuxedo fittings as requested and still keep up hearing the updates when seeing Iida and Deku for their weekly get together on Friday nights.

But for anything involving Momo's presence, there will always be a "sorry i have a mission that week", "sorry im visiting my mom", "sorry Endeavor needs to see me about the agency"

... all excuses Bakugou knows, but the others pay no mind. They are rising heroes near the top of the billboard by now

month 48. Wedding day.

she's stunning. Gorgeous. A near goddess walking down the aisle on her big day.

but she's not walking down for him. No its for iida.

there was the ceremony, the cheers, the congratulations, the reception. Fairy lights around the dance floor and along the walls, champagne glittering after the sound of a cork

Todoroki stands off to against the wall as the night dies down, a glass in hand, watching the newly weds grace the dance floor.

someone slides up beside him, he feels the presence. Bakugou.

"She's beautiful isnt she?"

"Yeah."

. . .

a star tear falls from Todoroki's eyes, twinkle hidden among the fairy lights and champagne glitter.

she's beautiful, but maybe its a good thing I can't see

somebody said: what if she knows everything that had happened and the reason why he couldn't continue his career is bc of her?

me: ok you’re asking for it

Momo, 3 months pregnant with iimomo baby, announces with Iida the news to their friends

the soon to be parents want to choose godparents for the baby so Iida gets to choose the baby’s godmother and Momo gets to choose the godfather

and ofc along with the announcement Momo asks Todoroki to be the kid’s godfather

he can’t say no to her.

the same week later Todo and Momo's agencies are requested to deal with this one villain case while Ingenium's agency deals with another in another town (later turns out the cases were connected)

small talk, civil, very professional between Momo and Todo when they’re in the debriefing

at this point Todo's pretty much completely blind and uses some special contact lenses from Hatsume to help "see"

but the contact lenses can only do so much as to detect light movement and shadows and it reallllllllly doesnt work well when he's using his fire

so Todo already had tossed around the idea of running away to the mountains like Roy did in the FMA 2003 ending, "mysteriously" retiring bc really his vision cannot keep up

until this last mission with Momo

and really its been nearly a decade now since they last worked together side by side (not since U.A. he thinks).. so just let the blind man be selfish one last time

and so smth smth missiom happens, Todo and Momo fighting side by side

but Momo senses there’s something off with Todo's movements? His reflexes are slower.. it doesnt seem like he's prediciting the opponents moves like he used to.. he's more so reacting and retaliating than attacking..

she chalks it up to that they havent fought side by side in a long time and his style must’ve changed and really, she doesnt know him anymore... not like she used to

smth smth 3 months pregnant Momo gets hurt, knocked unconscious for a bit

Todo saves her

and when she comes to, while Todo's holding her, star tears fall onto her cheek from Todo's eyes.

She's shocked. Reaches up to gently graze a finger tip at his left cheek.

"Todoroki-san, these are?"

and again its like Todo didnt realize he was crying. He jerks away from her hand and brushes her off with "its nothing”. Changes the subject with "are you ok?"

Momo: yes.. i think so

Todo: and the baby?

Momo, sitting up: we're ok I think

Todo, moving away: good

the mission concludes and they meet up with Ingenium’s group to wrap up the two ends. Todo slips away before Iida and Momo and approach him

theres no activity from Todoroki for the next month

neither Iida, Deku or anyone else in 1A know where he went except the Hero Association's vague comment on "Hot Cold Hero Shouto has taken a sudden indefinite hiatus"

(Only Todo’s family knows and Endeavor asked the Association to say "hiatus" instead of "retirement" bc Enji wants to believe in his son making a comeback. He didnt stop Shouto from taking off)

and ofc Momo upon hearing this is so confused??? Her last mission with him was the last time she saw him and he was crying. Why was he crying? Strange star tears twinkling and landing on her cheeks? What even is that phenomenon?

its too many questions and ofc Momo's gonna investigate. For the sake of her friend.

so she digs up all the texts she can find on star tears. Internet search all the possibilities. Consults the doctors at the hospital. Even asks Tenya if Todoroki has been acting strangely during their weekly catch ups.

but Tenya tells her Todoroki hasnt been the the meet ups since after their wedding

so she asks anyone in their pro hero circle of associates she can think of. Tsukiyomi, Burnin', heros from his agency, anyone she can think of that has worked with Todoroki before and could comment on his behaviour

no body knows. No body noticed anything different either. Sure there were some off days but the Hot Cold Hero Shouto was always on his game being one of the top 3 heroes on the billboard charts

she searches and searches, splitting time interviewing colleagues and researching the possible star tears phenomenon

until eventually her search takes her to...

Bakugou.

Of course.

Momo, pleading: please Bakugou, you know something about him dont you?

Bakugou, who at this point had been very careful trying not to get cornered knowing her investigation: save it pony tail, you’re about to have a baby. Go have people harass you about that brat in your oven instead of harassing other people

Momo, nearly begging: please. You and I both know he's strong and a good hero that would not suddenly retire. Whatever he is doing, he might need help.. please tell me Bakugou.

... theres something about pregnant women that you cant say no to.

Bakugou, relenting: tch. The half ass is somewhere in Yokohama

and thats all she needs nearly running waddling (as fast as a pregnant woman could) out the door

Bakugou, calling out after her, still reluctant: when find that half ass, i suggest you throw him a gift. Literally. Throw it at him. He deserves it.

she finds him along the port, watching the sunset in Yokohama (its really not that hard to find someone with heterochromia and two tone hair in a city, especially if youre a hero that knows what methods heroes will use to go incognito)

and for some inkling of a feeling, Momo takes Bakugou's advice. She has a carton of strawberry milk in hand.

Momo, a few feet away from him: Todoroki-san, it's been a while.

Todo, turning his head in her direction: Yaoyorozu...?

Momo, sadly smiling: the sunset is beautiful here isnt it?

Todo, brows furrowing: .. sure. Yaoyorozu what are you doing here--

Momo, interrupting him: --i brought some snacks. Strawberry milk, you liked this while we were in school right? Catch.

she tosses it at him.

he tries to reach out.

But he'es completely off. And misses

Momo, sad: Todoroki-san. You're blind, arent you?

Todo, guilty: ah.

Momo, tearing up: will you please tell me?

he still can say no to her and confesses his story

and when he's finished telling the tale of star tears, the stars above are twinkling too

she's crying and choking and sobbing through tears and its intensified by baby Iida with pregnancy hormones

But the last thing she manages to croak out at the very least is still wholly her

She apologizes

“Im so sorry Todoroki- san. I cant love you that way.”

“I know.”

END NOTES:

red is the last color Todoroki wanted to lose because it reminds him of Momo

during missions, as long as he could see her, “that’s ok” he thought. she is the only one he sees in color. that is okay with him

to him, Momo is his shining star. And there’s something tragically poetic of him losing his sight to the stars if its for his shining star Momo

He leaves the last stars in a tiny little jar like those paper stars as a gift for her with just the words on a note "goodbye Momo" the day after she finds him in Yokohama

Momo has the jar of stars forever on her bedside and looks at them with this melancholy expression. Baby Iida grows up and asks mom: "what is that jar of stars?"

Momo responds: "a gift from someone that was blinded by love"

Bakugou in this timeline had a case of star tears too but I'd like to think he got his feelings requited so he never went blind to contrast Todo

So thats why Baku is (begrudgingly) sympathetic to Todo cuz he thinks: “that could’ve been me”

The ending shot of a blind Todoroki in a dark room, all alone, eyes closed, thinking back to Momo's shining smile from UA surrounded by star light with a sad smile on his face and it fades to black

> archives masterpost

#todomomo #todoroki shouto #momo yaoyorozu #tdmm star tear au #ruiyukis unfinished aus #sorry not sorry #for spamming the tag #this ones my baby #angst angst baby #oops heres a bandaid for your heart #buckle up yall it just gets worse from here

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bma-2020 · 4 years

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Okiedok here’s the delio. I have a list of all the blogs from the last six months who’s actively either responded to a meme i sent, responded to a message ive sent, replied to something regarding mally herself, has actually written with me, written a starter for me from my liking a starter call, has at least liked a starter i wrote for them to awknowedge it exists, all that jazz, i have a lot of open field so it’s not just a possible tumblr didnt let them no option anymore, because i send memes to everyone who posts them that i see. I reply to most peoples ooc posts. I like most starter calls I pass by. I try my darndest to actually interact bc i know how it feels to be ignored and its… i’ve been called one before so i’m using the word, thats fluffing cunty behavior, and honestly if you complain about not being interacted with but never even try when i try with you, ya being cunty, end of. I gotta list. That list only entails Mally because she’s who I care about the most. I’m probably gonna start instilling a new rule in all my blogs that if you ignore Mally and/or Darcy( @tasedandconfused ), since I would say they’re my two main blogs tho darcy gets ignored even more than mally does, probably bc i denied canon and left it entirely we know fandom hates that, if either of them is ignored then… Ya out of luck, I’m gonna unfollow you. I’m debating soft blocking everyone who ignored me on both of them but I don’t want to like be mean and deny the chance to eventually try again but at the same time i shouldnt feel bad for taking a stand and saying this is bullsheet, idk my anxiety says im awful for giving a fluff about myself but also i should give a fluff about myself probably, ive nearly died in the last three months, my brain almost exploded, i just had three root canals on one corner of my face, i have to potentially get surgery on my inner ear which i cant even afford, i dont got time to deal with only being used for like smut memes or like as a resource blog or utter bs like that, i dont got time for it. So new rules here. 1: If Mally or Darcy are not acknowledged, written with, responded to, viewed as more than just their fluffing bodies? ya dropped, im unfollowing, potentially soft blocking, which means blocking and unblocking for those not in the know, on all accounts I follow you on. Every single one. I know most of my muses are on sideblogs but despite not being able to send memes from sideblogs you can block people from sideblogs fun fact, i will do that if i have to. 2: I’m gonna be posting SCs, PCs, memes, etc. I like and respond to plotting calls, starter calls, i send memes, all of that. If I don’t get any response within.. I’m giving one week for people who don’t run on a queue and a month and a half to people on a queue based system, if i dont get anything within that time like at least an im being like ‘its posted’ or ‘its queued i wanted to let you know in case tumblrs a fluffbutt’ (i do this sometimes if i dont get even just a like on the starters i post so i at least know people saw it since i know tumblrs bs, i wait until the day they’re active to do so in case theyre busy yknow) basically i need acknowledgment at all. No you can’t claim this is abt follower count bc when you unfollow someone they inevitably unfollow you too, thats gonna drop my following, not as quickly as soft blocking would but i wanna be fair i guess, which leads to: 3: I’m basing this on your activity too, like if i like a think and you’re gone for a month after that its fine, im not gonna unfollow you unless you never come back or youre online and posting others just not mine because that tells me youre specifically ignoring me and im gonna drop you for that end of. I’m done with the bullsheet im done w the dillish behavior, i love friendship but if im giving and never receiving thats extremely one way and not gonna work. I check through my follow list weekly and i go back about five-10 pages on someones feed before i unfollow them to see their actual activity and see if theyre here or if its a q so. I’m thorough basically. 4: You dont have to be active with me on all your blogs, i mean i’d prefer it but thats hard as fluff so essentially if you have like five blogs and are just like trying w me on two or three thats fine. Ten blogs, four or five with at least a plot formed is cool. Multis just one muse is all I’d need. I’m not gonna unfollow the blogs youre not writing w me on if you at least write w me on some. Again, specifically Mally and/or Darcy. If you ignore both of them, we’re done. I havent been active on darcy because of being ignored and its a huge butt mess and im just tired i wanna use my babies, you don’t get to have my ‘better’ muses like i know a lot of ppl only follow me for my boys or my villains, you don’t get them if you ignore my baby. But, there is a limit there too. 5: If you never respond to a meme or thread even once with Mally or Darcy, or post a starter, i reply, its never replied to again after a month, I’m unfollowing and/or soft blocking for that too. Bc that means youre just raising my hopes to fluff with me or get someone else and honestly, youre even more cunty than than the people just flat out ignoring me if you do that. And this isnt a specific person, this is five of the people actually on my list. Yes, my list is also annotated with specifics again I was very thorough on this yesterday, I hyperfixated I’ll admit it, I’m in a fluffing depressionary bubble and being told to get over it because people want something they dont deserve to have to. I am a believer that people deserve good things but if youre purposefully being cunty… no you dont. 6: No I’m not releasing my list, maybe I will and I’ll omit the urls because I don’t want people being buttholes to each other too but otherwise, yall not seeing it im not giving a callout because… really thats just unnecessary here. I don’t think yall are toxic people or something i just think yall are unintentionally being cunty. And no I don’t mean everyone that follows me i mean the ppl that add up to what i’ve documented so far and fit the bill of butthat that i’ve shown, its behaviors yall gotta check before ya wreck. Yes there will be some people who have priority, everyone has those people, I write w kathryn on other platforms since she doesnt go on here as often but when Kathryn returns from war here (if she does cause she also agrees most ppl on this platform are cunty, i feel really bad saying that word so often but im gonna keep doing it i recently deleted an ask saying I was a huge cunt for not sending someone smut memes when I didn’t even follow them or know they existed so, again the travesty of this place is nutballers) same with owly, alex is here too, my most active partners are always going to be priority because theyre the ones who show the most interest and the most care. I understand that with others as well which is why I have the timeframe set up, because I want to be as open and shizz as possible while atill being firm i guess. I don’t want to have extreme double standards like its impossible for double standards not to exist at least a little bit but I want to avoid a golden chest full of them I guess. 7: I don’t have a seven rn, this was an even number and it bothered me. Seven is nust my warning that I’m bittery writing this on mobile so formatting is not real but i tried my dandest to make this look like something people might actually mind. I dont want to be butty, i dont want to be awful, i dont want to start drama or have drama but that shizz comes around anyways so i might as well make my space as okay for me as i can cause im supposed to avoid stress so my brain doesnt almost explode again, like again i almost fluffing died i dont need ppl fake being my friend or anything, i want stuff to be real and clear. I want to be happy to be on here again and have fun like i used to since my health is plummetting and I’m not allowed to go outside near plants by myself anymore because i welt up. I have plants outside my work place and im surrounded by chemicals all day long I’m welted from here to new york constantly and never comfortable in my own skin because of it and constantly see people online acting like these actual real problems are pretentious because ‘its an excuse’ when, im a fluffing sagittarius, do you know how much i want to magically be a millionaire so i can pay for friends and my own medical stuff and go on traveling and adventures, be outside probably not camping bc as a pagan i know thats a death sentence but like be outside, lay on grass, go back to swimming because i used to swim competitively and due to health reasons i can barely even go in a pool anymore because theres too much sunlight which, bit plot twist i know, im fluffing allergic to vitamin D and the rays of the sun, so go figure, attempts to be healthy kill me more, i also cant eat most plants and am constantly dying from just eating food, they dont know whats wrong with me. i cant fix it by going ve/gan for a month inf act i tried and it almost made my heart stop thanks society. These arent excuses these are the lives of disabled and diseased and to a lesser but still very real point, ethnic lives every fluffing day. This is real shit and its murder and online and gaming? It may be all I have soon since I can’t just go out and make new friends cause, again, I’d fluffing die. I get sick going to the mall or the movie theater, I miss theme parks so much but have to minimize it to weeks i dont have work so i dont get fired for having a welt while working in the beauty industry. I may have to get a degree online and change my field entirely because of my illness that nobody understands. People even make fun of it constantly online and I wish I could just drop online entirely because of how unbelievably ableist the entirety of the world is, i wish i could drop humans in general for their ableism, but i cant. I don’t have choices in most cases, but throwing away people who maybe purposefully maybe unintentionally thats why i’m giving you this warning and will be repeating this warning for awhile, this is where i have choice. I have to use what little choice I have in life while I can since everytime i go to movies or a concert or a theme park i almost die because of not having an immune system that functions or being in certain air qualities pr being near plants or unclean people, I may not have much time and I gotta do whats best for what little mental health I have, and if that means dropping people i care about and really want to write with and do things with but who ignore me then, i guess so be it.

#out.#illness cw #health cw #food mention #ive been writing this since noon and its now two pm so this is great #i’s usually put this under a read more but... maybe most people dont deserve a read more rn lol #their behavior will keep being awful if its not pointed out to them so #im done im gonna go welt up from hugging my cat and cry for a bit because i feel mean

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lena-in-a-red-dress · 5 years

Text

Runaway Princess, Part 2 of 2

Continued from Part 1

Kara announces herself to the first guardpost she comes across. Watching the young soldiers trip over themselves would almost be comical, if not for the heavy weight pressing against her chest.

She shouldn't have left. Not without saying goodbye. Not with their last words being spoken in anger. But she knows that had she waited, she would have stayed.

The Kingsguard arrives in less than a week to escort her back to the capital and her family, but that’s still six days of waiting, alone with her thoughts, sequestered from the young contingent of guards manning the post.

Six days with nothing to do but replay her last words to Lena, colder and more biting with every loop. Six days of stewing in her regrets and sudden doubts. Six days to convince herself that she presumes too much, to think the fate of an entire kingdom hinges on her presence.

Nobles die frequently, even young ones, and the world still continues without them. She could stay gone, stay with Lena, and remain one of the lost.

But her memories of Thorul remain fresh in her mind, and she can't bring herself to leave again.

When the Kingsguard arrives, Kara surrenders Exeter to the Captain.

"I borrowed this horse off a traveler," she informs him. "Their camp is three days north of here, in a copse of elm trees. Please assign your most trusted man to return him."

The Captain nods. "It will be done, my lady."

While Exeter returns north, Kara travels south with her guard. They travel quickly, and though she catches the impressed whispers of those surprised by her ability to keep up, Kara doesn’t have it in her to gloat. A nervous ball of anxiety roils and swells in her gut the closer they get, and her thoughts remain divided between the fight she'd left behind, and the fight yet to come.

But when she is hurried through the palace gate, Kara doesn't find irate rulers waiting for her, but her mother and father, tearful and overjoyed to see her. Their relief soothes her anxiety, and reaffirms her decision. She’s made the right choice.

Hasn’t she?

Kara later learns that Mon-el has married another in her absence: a Saturnian princess with riches to spare and the patience-- and iron will-- of a saint. With the impetus gone, her parents seem content to allow her to slip back into her role and govern unmarried. Slowly, she takes on more and more responsibility and neither has any complaints as to her performance.

Nor do they protest when Kara sends a missive to Thorul, offering aid and supplies on the condition they cease their war with Mars. The response, when it comes, is a vague yet diplomatic decline.

And through it all, Kara misses Lena.

Her mother seems content to pretend the ordeal never happened, but her father finds Kara late one evening, and asks what she’d experienced on her travels.

Kara's heart twists at the echo of her last words to Lena, and her last glimpse of Lena's face, stricken with hurt.

"Kara?" Zor el asks, hand warm as he reaches for Kara’s hand.

Kara meets her father’s gaze, but pulls away from the comfort he offers. The smile she offers is empty.

"I learned the meaning of kindness."

The Captain's trusted knight returns to the capital with Exeter still in hand. The camp had been deserted, he reports, and despite his best attempts to find a trail to follow, there were none. The traveler was long gone.

The news is the final nail in the coffin encasing her heart. It doesn’t stop the hurt, but makes it permanent, a constant ache she carries with her every moment of every day. It becomes a part of her, and puts to rest the hope of ever seeing Lena again.

When her parents finally broach the subject of marriage again, more than a year after her return, Kara agrees.

Fearful of a repeat escape, her parents insist she choose her own match. They issue the call for suitable matches, but deliver the responses to Kara for review and selection. Kara can hardly bring herself to care. Marrying for love matters little-- she'll never love another the way she loved Lena, and loves still.

But even with the good of her people outweighing the longing in her heart, how can she choose? A Martian match would bring honor and knowledge, but not much else after the long and ongoing war with Thorul.

Or Starhaven for their commerce?

Even Thorul with its vast lands promised resources if their war ever ended.

Kara sits in a sea of paper when her father finally finds her. He clears a seat, and starts leafing through the responses.

"Surely you can find someone suitable from all this."

"They are all suitable." Kara sits back in her seat, defeated. "I am awash in suitability."

Her father pauses, glancing at her in surprise. Before her months away, she’d never been one for melancholy. Now she's steeped with it, and she well knows it.

Still, she doesn't apologize.

"Kara," her father says finally, "you should know that while my marriage to your mother was arranged by our families, we are very much in love."

Kara shrugs. "I'm not concerned with love, Father."

"Then what is your concern?"

"Krypton. All of these suitors would prove a valuable alliance, in their own way. But how can I know which way will be the best for Krypton?"

Her father hums, regarding her carefully. "Do you remember the tale of Thara Ak-Var?”

Kara nods. “She defeated Gann Arkar following his attempted coup, and reclaimed her family’s crown.”

“She also faced a similar crisis, when her counsel called for her to take a husband. She’d hoped to thwart their will by setting her suitors to three impossible tasks. To her dismay, one suitor surpassed every challenge.”

“You mean… the Trials of Nightwing and Flamebird?” Kara scoffs. “You can’t be serious. They haven’t been held in thousands of years!”

“There are some that would prefer a return to tradition. I’ve tasked the royal historians with finding ways to integrate old traditions with our newer ways. The Trials were among them, once the arrangement with Daxam fell through.”

He says it without accusation, as casually as if he discussed nothing but the weather. Kara considers his proposal. “What if no single suitor wins all three tasks?”

Zor el laughs, his mirth warm and contagious enough to pull a tiny smile to Kara’s lips. clasps her hand.

"Then at the very least, my daughter, you will have narrowed the fish in the sea to three."

The historians propose the Trials as three challenges:

The Hunt - All suitors will have the same twenty-four hours to present their hopeful intended with the game of their choice. It symbolizes the perpetual chase of Nightwing after Flamebird, but with a happier ending. The hunters may use any tools but only that which they can carry on their person.

The Pledge - The original Nightwing had been tasked by Rao to perpetually create. Flamebird had been tasked to destroy her creations. To honor Nightwing’s toils, the suitors each pledge a construction to Krypton. It can be of any origin, for any purpose, but must be built on Kryptonian soil, to benefit the Kryptonian crown.

The Duel - Once a fight to the death, the rules have been modified. Only blunted weapons may be used, and the suitors will face off in a tourney, weapon type to be decided by lots, until a single suitor is left standing, and named champion.

Upon completion of the three challenges, Kara-- the intended-- will weigh the value of each gift, and in consideration of their conduct and standing in the tasks, choose her betrothed.

With this in mind, Kara narrows her pool of suitors to six: Mars, Durla, Starhaven, Colu, Terra, and Thorul. As she issues her invitations, Lena's features linger in her mind.

This is for the best, she tells herself. The Trials will honor Krypton's history, and will give her criteria from which to choose.

"This is for the best," Kara says again, as if repeating it will make it any less false.

Preparations take nearly a year, but on the eve of the first challenge, Kara finds her stomach in knots. She receives each of her suitors graciously along with their delegation. Though she has some idea of whom each kingdom has sent to compete for her hand, their faces remain covered per Kryptonian custom. They will compete anonymously, identified only by the royal crests emblazoned on their tunics and armor. They compete for their nation, not themselves.

Kara wonders only for Thorul. She's surprised they accepted in the first place, considering their exchange following her return and the fact there’d been no rumor of the king being in want of a wife. But Thorul presents itself before her with crisp heraldry and a deep bow from the suitor.

Huh. She'd heard the king was taller.

They spend the night feasting, and at dawn the following morning the procession of suitors makes its way to the edge of the forest-- the same forest she'd fled to, with...

No, Kara, she scolds herself. Enough.

At the edge of the wood, the hunters are reminded of the terms for their task: only what tools they carry with them, and in the time between one noon and to the next, they are to return with what game they believe worthy of their intended.

When the horn sounds, all five suitors sprint for the woods.

Their delegations remain, and Kara flits among all of them alongside her parents, doing her best to make new friends and establish a foundation for future alliances regardless of the trials’ outcome.

Starhaven is the first to return, at dawn the following morning, hauling six strings of rabbits. Quantity over quality, Kara notes, seeing a few too small and too young to be considered good game.

Kara thanks them regardless.

"It will feast us well tonight," she offers with a rehearsed smile. "Thank you for your gift."

Terra returns next, dragging a trussed deer behind them. It's large, and bears the wound of a single arrow.

Durla returns with a string of trout, won with patience and keen timing.

Colu returns with... mushrooms. Through their herald, Kara is informed that mushrooms can be more nutritious than animal meat, and these in particular were a rare delicacy.

Kara accepts these too, with similar gratitude-- and a mental note to learn if Coluans were against ingesting all meat, or just wild game.

Mars returns mid-morning, moving slow under the large boar dripping blood across their shoulders. Applause greets them as they carry their kill through the camp-- its defeat is a triumph of both strength and courage.

Thorul is the last to arrive. Just before the herald blows the final horn, a shout at the edge of camp alerts them all to the final suitor’s return. Kara waits as they make their way closer, and as they wind their way through the crowd, she hears a wave of gasps travel across the gathered audience.

When the crowd finally parts, she sees that her suitor is not dragging a carcass at all, but instead leads a live stag with a pelt of pure, snowy white.

Kara can barely tear her eyes from it, with its unnatural blue eyes and the downy antlers atop its head. It seems almost like an illusion, but when she steps forward, it whuffs and tugs agitatedly against the makeshift halter the suitor had fashioned from loops of rope.

No illusion. Just a single, miraculous find. One that-- aside from heaving flanks and patent exhaustion-- is absolutely unharmed.

Kara looks to the suitor, swallowing her shock. "It's beautiful."

The masked face of her suitor stares at her for a long moment, before they look to their herald. The herald listens to the suitor's low words, and conveys them forward to Kara.

"My master understands that it breaks with Kryptonian tradition, but requests the beast not be killed. Instead, they beseech your majesties to allow it to returned to the forest following the evening’s festivities."

Kara nods, agreeing even as her father chimes in. "There is no rule that the game must be slaughtered. No, this animal is more than its meat. It shall return it to its home when we return to ours."

The crowd erupts into applause, and the Thorulian suitor is soon swept away by congratulations and festivities. Kara stays with the stag, and continues to stare.

"I've never even heard stories of such a beast," she whispers to her father.

He nods. "It is a kind heart that values the life of a rarity more than its ownership." He squeezes her shoulder. "Thorul may surprise us yet."

True to their word, when the procession prepares to return to the palace, they release the stag to the wood. It disappears within moments, and Kara issues a quiet prayer to Rao, asking he grant the creature a safe journey home. When she opens her eyes, she finds the Thorulian suitor staring once more from behind the the thin, dark cloth that disguises their features.

They don't approach. They don't speak.

After a long moment, the suitor bows once more before returning to their delegation.

That night is more feasting and celebration. Servants carry platters upon platters of food to their tables, and the wine and mead pour to overflowing. Kara barely tastes any of it. Her thoughts remain with the stag in the forest, and wondering whether Lena ever saw a creature like that.

The next day passes quietly, in both recovery from the night before and preparation for the Trials to come. After the Hunt, however, the Pledge is a placid affair. One by one, each suitor approaches Kara with their herald in tow.

Terra promises a fleet of ships, faster and more agile than any Krypton has seen before.

Mars vows to erect a temple in Rao's honor. Though they honor different gods, Mars respects all deities, and those who peacefully worship them.

Starhaven offers an opulent palace, as lavish as any who have come before it.

Colu pledges a school, and the teachers to fill it, large and grand enough to admit any who wish to attend and learn of science and literature.

Again, Thorul speaks last.

"Thorul pledges a home."

Kara shares a look with her father. "For the newlyweds?" he prompts, attempting to draw out more details.

"No, my lord. For those who have none."

A wave of incredulous murmuring washes through the crowd. The herald continues.

"In honor of the betrothal, the first home will be dedicated to the children of Krypton, those forced to streets by loss or circumstance, those without family living or caring. Then, after the first year, Thorul will pledge a home to any family who cannot afford or are not capable of building one themselves."

Kara's throat tightens. The suitor gazes at her still. She wants to hear their voice, have some clue of their identity. But it's the herald that continues.

"If selected, our suitor knows they will be made to feel at home in Krypton. They only wish to grant the same to all Kryptonian citizens."

Silence follows. When her father nudges her, Kara realizes it is her turn to address the suitors. She stands.

"Thank you for your generous pledges," she tells the suitors. "All will benefit Krypton greatly. I shall weigh them all carefully-- in the meantime, please enjoy this feast, prepared in your honor.”

The crowd cheers, but still Thorul stares.

The third and final challenge welcomes the public to spectate. Crowds upon crowds fill the large stadium constructed just for this task, and soon the air fills with exuberant excitement. Despite its ultimate purpose, the event is a true tourney, and the crowds feast upon their own excitement until they are raucous and loud and boisterous.

Kara's stomach twists in anxious anticipation.

After the tourney, she will make her selection. Without seeing her suitors’ faces, she will choose a match for her kingdom, and the person she would share the rest of her life with. Suddenly, she wishes the historians hadn’t kept with the tradition of anonymity.

The first three rounds are assigned randomly, weapons chosen by a roll of the dice. Starhaven trounces Durla with speed and efficiency in unarmed combat. Terra proves the better bowman, nailing three bulls eyes while Colu plants a neat grouping in an outer ring.

But what the public truly came to see is Thorul and Mars. News of their war had spread, and chance brings them together in the first round of the tourney. The weapon is staves, and Kara watches with her heart in her throat as the embattled nations go head to head.

Both suitors prove themselves nimble fighters, their movements smooth and acrobatic. There is intensity in their movements, but not menace. In fact, they almost seem to be having fun, giving each other space and time to show off with elaborate tumbling passes and graceful combinations.

It doesn't follow a tradition of bloodshed, but the crowd eats it up. To Kara's surprise, they cheer for Thorul.

"My people tell me that word of the past two trials has spread," her father tells her. "The Thorulian suitor has made quite an impression."

And their suitor gets the upper hand almost by accident. Mars gets off balance, and Thorul helps them along by spilling them into a pinning hold with Mars' leg trapped between staff and body.

It's showy and dramatic, sending the crowd to roaring. Mars taps out, and accepts Thorul's hand in getting up. They offer a deep bow to Kara, then a shallower one to the spectators before clasping hands in a match well-played.

They seem almost friendly. More than.

"Perhaps news of their war have been false," Kara murmurs. Her father has no response.

For the second and final round, Terra, Starhaven, and Thorul step into the ring together, swords in hand. Each weapon is duller than a butter knife, but Kara’s throat constricts at the menacing glint of sunlight off polished metal. At the sound of the gong, they begin.

Terra turns on Thorul immediately, marking them as their greatest rival. Thorul deftly deflects and engages, trading blow for blow with one eye towards Starhaven, who waits placidly to see how the impromptu face-off will end.

It ends with slow predictability-- Thorul drives Terra back, step by step, and gives no ground in return. Thorul is relentless, and before Terra can stop to consider their position, the gong sounds to signal the disqualification. Terra looks at their feet, as though shocked to find themselves out of bounds, before looking up to meet Thorul's shrug.

Kara is so caught up in the exchange she almost doesn't notice Starhaven creeping up to take advantage of the relaxed exchange of good humor.

"Watch out!" Kara cries, the words swallowed by the roar of the crowd as Thorul flings themselves to one side, narrowly dodging the shove that would have sent them out of bounds as well. They roll smoothly to their feet, and circles Starhaven in ready strides, head swivelling to keep their opponent in sight.

Starhaven loses patience first, and charges. Thorul steps neatly out of the way, making Starhaven stumble to find their target no longer there. Starhaven sweeps their blade through the air, and Thorul dodges again, hopping backwards across the sandy ground never allowing the blows to come close to hitting. They don't retaliate.

Kara soon realizes that this is a strategy in and of itself. With every unchallenged blow Starhaven grows visibly furious, until their strikes are sharp and angry. Every wild stroke saps energy, and leaves the crowd jeering. When Thorul's first return volley is a smack of the flat of their blade to the seat of Starhaven's pants, the crowd erupts into laughter.

Starhaven issues a bellow of their own, deep and guttural and full of rage.

Alarm hammers in Kara's heart as they charge once more. This time, Thorul engages. They parry, letting the blades slide off each other with a sharp shiiing of metal. They parry again and again, deflecting each blow off Starhaven with seemingly little effort at all, while Starhaven visibly slows and tires.

But even Thorul's good humor has its limit. On the next pass, Starhaven locks their hilts together, bringing them close. Their arm jabs forward and lands what Kara's assumes is a barehanded punch to Thorul's ribs, until Thorul pulls free with shout and slams their fist and hilt into Starhaven's face.

The shift to true violence jars the crowd to silence. As Starhaven reels, Thorul reaches for their ribs, and with a jolt Kara can feel from her seat, pulls a knife from the niche between their armor plates.

Blood stains the sand, drawing a roar of outrage from the spectators.

"Cheat!"

"Foul!"

“Coward!”

Kara nearly shoots to her feet, ready to end the duel right then and there, but her father's hand on her shoulder stays her.

"Thorul has not cried foul. Let us see what they intend to do.”

So Kara remains seated, vibrating with tension. On the field, Thorul visibly flags, one hand bracing their wounded side and chest heaving in pain. Starhaven straightens, emboldened by their success.

There's no finesse to their final charge. Just a roar that is swallowed by the clamor of an enraged crowd, and a massive double handed swing intended to do as much damage as a blunted weapon can inflict.

A single, feminine cry carries above the din, as Thorul lifts their sword to deflect. Starhaven's sword turns aside, scraping along the outside of Thorul's gauntlet. The cry turns to a bellow as Thorul halts Starhaven's charge with a massive kick to their chest, slamming their foot directly into the engraved crest of the Starhaven royal family.

Starhaven's feet fly out from under them, and they slam bodily to the ground. They go still for a long moment, and in the sudden silence, Kara hears a cough and a gasp from the fallen suitor before they roll, clutching their chest in obvious pain.

Thorul kneels, leaning in close to speak into Starhaven's ear. After a moment, Starhaven reaches out with one hand and taps the ground twice.

In the silence that follows, Thorul climbs back to their feet, hand still pressed to their ribs. To everyone's surprise, their free hand plants their sword in the sand before extending toward.

Starhaven to help the fallen suitor rise as well.

"We have a champion!" Kara's father booms. The crowd goes wild, and as the competitors offer tender bows to their hosts, he leans in to speak in Kara's ear. "And what a champion we have."

Yes, Kara's thoughts echo. A champion indeed.

That night, the feast is loud and boisterous, but not quite enough to drown out the pounding of Kara's heart. She doesn't eat, and notices neither Starhaven nor Thorul do as well. The remaining four seem in good spirits, as though content for another to be selected.

When the time comes, Kara's father lifts his hand, and the herald pounds the floor with his staff, calling the room to attention.

"The time has come!" Zor el announces. "Suitors, please gather."

Already drifting to the front of the room, the suitors form a single line, shoulder to shoulder. They wait, and Kara feels her heart climb up her throat, desperate to escape.

"Lady Kara," her father prompts. "Please make your selection."

Kara rises, and stands tall on legs that threaten to collapse.

"I thank you all again, for honoring Krypton's custom and history by participating in the trials. Your conduct over the past three days have given me great insight into your characters, and though I shall only select one of you, know that I look forward to getting to know all of you better in the years to come. You have proven the honor and good faith of your kingdoms, and I am glad to have made your acquaintance."

Some more than other. She forces herself not to glare at Starhaven’s masked face. Their poor conduct during the duel still rankles, but Kara cannot admonish them after Thorul had conducted them with such grace and aplomb. No matter how she might wish to.

"I have weighed each of your gifts with great consideration, and have made my selection."

A ripple of anticipation travels across the room, and Kara takes a deep breath.

"For their choice of game, I received a reminder of the beauty that exists in Krypton, and with their pledge, they have placed value in our people, and demonstrated they understand the importance of service to the realm."

Kara continues to address the crowd, rather than the suitors. She pretends not to notice the way Thorul stands so still, frozen in place. She pretends not to feel their hidden eyes upon her, drinking her in. Rooting her to the spot.

"And with their conduct in the duels, they have both honored the spirit of our customs, and demonstrated a strength of will and character that Krypton will cherish, for all their years to come."

With her father's steadfast presence behind her, and the crowd waiting with bated breath, Kara lifts her chin and squares her shoulders.

"For my betrothed, I choose Thorul."

Her declaration meets with exuberant applause. She had made her match for Krypton, and Krypton gives their approval wholeheartedly. It should ease the knot climbing up her throat, and yet…

The remaining five suitors bow in deference to her decision, and acquit themselves graciously. They drift back to their delegations, leaving Thorul to stand alone.

The Thorulian herald approaches, a proud and pleased smile on his face. "My lord and lady, it is my honor and privilege to present to you, Princess Lena of Thorul."

The suitor's hands lift even before the herald finishes, pulling back their hood and tugging the black mask down below her chin to reveal dark hair, pale skin, and a jawline Kara's recognizes in intimate detail.

Lena.

Her Lena.

Kara's heart trips in her chest as she stares, and dares not to blink lest the apparition dissolve into so much smoke.

Lena gazes back, holding Kara's stare unwaveringly.

Zor el fills her stunned silence. "Well met, Princess!" Green eyes shift to Zor el, and bows deeply in greeting. "We'd heard you'd been lost!"

The princess’ gaze slides back to Kara, addressing her simple response to her newly betrothed.

"I was found."

The feast continues long into the night, but does so without the new betrothed. The Thorulian delegation withdraws shortly after the selection, following the final steps of Kryptonian tradition.

Kara departs as well, as much to freshen up as to finally collapse onto a seat as her trembling legs finally gave way. She had imagined it, surely. A trick of the light and her mind's desperate attempt to say goodbye to her first and final love.

But when she steps into the privacy of the portrait gallery to meet her betrothed an hour later, the figure waiting with her back to the door has the same slope of Lena's shoulders, the same ruddy tint when the light catches her dark hair just so.

The door clicks audibly behind her, sealing them in a tenuous silence.

"L-Lena...?"

"You left."

Kara's breath catches, as a sob crawls up her throat. It is her. It's her, it's her, it's her... "Lena, how...? Why?"

"You called me selfish, stole my horse, and you left."

Finally, Lena turns. Seeing her again feels like a kick to the chest, but it's the tears glinting in her eyes that tears her heart asunder.

"Lena, I'm so sorry," she gasps. Tears of her own spill down her cheeks. "Those things I said-- I shouldn't have--"

"You were right." Lena's anger deflates in an instant. Suddenly, she looks smaller than she ever did. "I ran from my home, from my people, and never looked back."

Kara swallows thickly, wiping her cheeks. "You have now."

Lena shrugs with a bitter smirk. "Let's just say walking to the next town on foot gave me time to think."

A laugh bubbles out of Kara, and she freezes in chagrin. But when Lena's lips lift into a careful smile, Kara beams and rushes to close the difference.

She throws her arms around Lena's neck, clinging to her as her laughter wobbles back into tears. Lena turns her face into Kara's neck inhaling deeply. Her shoulders loosen, but her grip tightens, refusing to let go.

"I've missed you," Kara murmurs through her tears. "So, so much."

It's been almost two years since their argument in the woods. Two years of dreams and fading memories. And here Lena is, solid in her arms.

She squeezes Lena tighter, only draw back sharply when Lena hisses in pain. "What? What happ-- oh my god, you're injured. That stupid, no-good Starhaven bast--"

"I'm fine, my lady," Lena murmurs. "Just... maybe watch the hands for a while."

Kara gasps another laugh, gathering Lena's hands in hers.

She doesn't let go.

They speak for hours that night, and in so doing, Kara learns the truth.

Lena had indeed run, much like Kara, but not just from the rumored marriage.

"All my life I was told I was nothing,” Lena tells her, seated on the intimate couch nestled between sculptures of Kara’s ancestors. “When my mother announced the wedding, she made it explicitly clear it wasn't for political advantage, or alliance-- Starhaven was simply the kingdom willing to take me off her hands the soonest."

"Starhaven? That's why..." Kara's fingers flicker towards the bandages hidden beneath her tunic.

Lena nods. "Lord Edge doesn’t forgive a slight-- not even one inflicted when we were barely thirteen. Nor does he appreciate his jilter competing against him for the hand of another."

Thirteen… Lena has spent a long time alone.

"I couldn't live the life they wanted-- shoved to the side, ignored... powerless." Lena can't meet Kara's gaze. She stares at their laced fingers instead. "So I left. It never occurred to me for a moment that they'd ever miss me."

Kara squeezes her hand, mourning the child Lena had been: wanting for love and purpose. "If the marriage was intended for Starhaven, then why the Martian War?"

Lena sighs. "It took me months to work out that Lex's advisors were misleading him. And he's so damn stubborn he had to hear the collusion for himself before he believed it. But he did, and dismissed them. I've been helping him broker peace ever since."

"You seemed friendly with the Martian suitor..."

"M'gann and I have grown familiar over the course of the negotiations. They're a reasonable people, especially once Lex agreed to pay reparations. If Lex keeps his own counsel, I think our people may be allies yet."

Kara gazes at Lena, drinking in the sight of her easy confidence. She'd never noticed before, the way she'd been wound tight against judgement. But the lack of it now is unmistakable. Her years on the road may have helped her find her power, but returning home has given her purpose.

"Your brother..." Kara says carefully. "He doesn't sound like someone who didn't miss you."

Cheeks coloring, Lena looks away. "The night I returned, I stole into the castle. I didn't want to be seen until I knew how he'd react, and he--"

Her voice gives out, and her lips tremble. Kara leans against her, offering silent support.

"He'd never hugged me so tight before," Lena whispers. She almost cries, but she wipes her tears away with a smile. "He almost didn't let me come here, he was so scared to let me out of his sight again."

"I know the dowager passed, some years ago. I imagine he must have been thrilled to learn he had family still living."

"He found Mother’s journals, after the funeral. It wasn't until he read how she thought of me that he realized why I left. He'd never realized how wretched she was."

Lena’s thumb rubs soft circles against the back of Kara’s hand. Silence gathers around them, insulating them from the rest of the world. Kara stares at her, and watches as Lena seems to struggle with some new truth she’d yet to share.

Finally, her gaze lifts to meets Kara's with solemn intent. "Kara, you should know... he's named me his heir. He intends to make the proclamation after we announce our betrothal."

Kara grins. "Then he is indeed a wise king."

"No, Kara, it means... when his title falls to me, it means our two kingdoms will be bound. They could unite, if we wish it."

Kara cups Lena's cheeks with both hands. "If Thorul is anything like its princess, then Krypton would be all the richer for it."

A dark eyebrow lifts. "Even a selfish princess?"

Familiar shame chills Kara to the bone. Her lips press together as old tears burn at her eyes. "I should never have said those things, Lena. I've regretted them the moment I gave voice to them.”

Lena shrugs. "You were right. Even if you didn't know it. I ran from my duties, and for far longer than you did."

"You are also the one who took the hand of a desperate, terrified girl," Kara reminds her, bumping their foreheads together, “and helped her for no other reason than because she asked. And then…”

Pulling back, Lena meets her gaze with startling intensity. “Then?”

Kara smiles.

“You gave her the world."

#i wrote dis #runaway princess #supercorp #this is like 3x as long as part 1 #but i really like it?#oh and don't @ me about nightwing and flamebird #i know the canon legend but i tweaked it to suit my needs #like a proper fic writer does #so there

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mistymark · 5 years

Text

the one with the stagehand // m.k.l

mark lee x reader // theatre au // 1.4k // masterlist

summary; in which mark really wants to impress y/n but singing is not the way to go apparently

warnings; nope this is a Pure piece // no real plot

requested; nope but I havent posted in ages so :// here

notes; sorry for not posting in forever !! but here is my third mark post of the night so hopefully y'all will forgive me

mark has been talking about auditioning for the next production for a while

it may or may not be because you are the director’s assistant

the dreamies laugh but still encourage him to go for it, sure he’ll fail and/or embarrass himself

and that would be fucking hilarious

so mark goes and picks up a script from the actual director and practices in their dorm at all times of the day

after hearing the script three times, hyuck starts quoting it, and has learnt more than mark

hyuck starts teasing mark that he’ll go against him for the lead

after standing on the kitchen table in the middle of the living room and belting the lyrics to the audition song to everyone at breakfast (and surprisingly getting a lot of compliments for it), hyuck decides to audition

tensions run high as both hyuck and mark start practicing

to spite mark, hyuck asks you to run lines with him

mark retalliates by telling the director that hyuck wants to be the love interest instead of the lead

(jisung asks you if he can join the stage crew - of course, you said yes)

chenle asks shortly after

you think its really sweet that they want to support the theatre students but really theyre both there to see jaemin and mark crash and burn during auditions

on audition day, both mark and hyuck audition for the lead role

they havent spoken in a week

(markhyuck summer fight of 2017 y'all)

you sit with the director and judge them

you smile when hyuck walks on stage, knowing how hard he’s worked

mark is kinda really annoyed, scowling as he watches hyuck “butcher” the audition song

ur really surprised when mark rocks up on stage

because ”im really more of a rapper dude cmon”

but nonetheless he did

and you were ????? shocked??? he was Great

but when he saw ur face

he had the most SMUG grin

and u were instantly like >_>>>>

anyways

once auditions were over

they both stomp out of the theatre, refusing to speak

the cast list is posted two days later, and they both race to find out who got the role. both of them physically deflate when they see the name.

JENO?!

they’RE BOTH Y E L L I N G

loud bois

jeno walks down the hall calmly, just checking if he actually got the role

he’s very startled when he sees he’s got the lead

mark and hyuck demand answers, and finally speak to one another again (that is before mark points out hyuck got the lead as jeno’s love interest)

hyuck is s p u t t e r i n g

“I didn’t even audition for that role!!!”

he’s very confused, before he sees that mark’s name isn’t even on the list

smugly, hyuck points this out

sticking his tongue out at mark

until jeno’s like

yo wait mark’s name is here

mark’s name is flagged as “lighting and tech, to report to y/n l/n”

mark is honestly more rapt with that than he would have been if he’d been given the lead

during practices, mark mucks around with the lights, mostly on purpose, partly because he has no idea what he’s doing, just so you have to go over the lights with him AGAIN

chenle is mostly unseen during rehearsals, but he is heard because he keeps dropping props and bumping into sets

they all hear jeno’s voice for the first time, and realise he was probably a better lead than both mark or hyuck

though hyuck is adamant it should've been him

“the director just has it out for me I swear!!! he didnt like me at all last year”

“no one did” - renjun, 2k19

you hang out in the lighting box most of the time, because that’s the only place kun can’t find you and ask you a million more questions about his sets and costumes

mark loves it, he jokes and makes you laugh, until he misses his queue for a light or something and you dont talk to him for half an hour so he can focus

hyuck, at first, refuses to play the love interest the way its written, swaggering around the stage and saying things like “this is ridiculous” after all of his lines

after a few practices, he gets really into it, and doesnt even need his script, he’s spent most of his afternoons memorising all of his lines and stage directions

one practice, mark is not needed with the lights, because they’re just doing a props and set run-through with the full cast, so you ask if you can practice some of the makeup on him

mark, of course, says yes.

you blabber on about running the production, and how the director does LITERALLY NOTHING since the auditions, and just sits there while you do everything else

and how the hair and makeup girls were absent and barely ever showed up, and how you had to practically beg Jaemin to help out on the night (the agreement was; he wouldn’t have to attend any rehearsals other than the dress rehearsal, and of course, the nights of the performance)

as he doesnt have a lot of experience with makeup, youve given him the easy tasks

but it still means you have to learn how to do stage makeup

all mark can think about is how close you are to him

after a pause, you, as if for the first time, notice how sharp his jawline actually is

and for a while, thats all you can think about

“thinking about me?” mark does one of those little half-smiles that bothered you (but you totally still thought it was kind of cute)

“always” you rolled your eyes, your tone dripping sarcasm

you stepped back, biting the inside of you cheek to stop a smile creeping up on your face

“I think I’m done.”

“finally” mark lets his head roll back against the edge of the chair, messing up his hair, and then stands up to grab the mirror

at this point, you let out a laugh, and mark furiously turns around “YOU TURNED ME INTO A FISH?!”

you grin, “a very CUTE fish, you’re Flounder!”

you're very proud of yourself; the fact that mark could even tell he was a fish was a good sign

“WE’RE NOT EVEN DOING THE LITTLE MERMAID!” he starts to rub furiously at his face, trying to get the makeup off, but ends up looking like he’s just been beaten in a fist fight

you can barely contain your laughter, “aw come on, that took ages!!”

later that week, after a six hour rehearsal, the director asks mark to change the lighting filters on the stage, even though he could have done it during the rehearsal

but I mean its okay I guess bc he has to stay back

and

you're staying back too

so like

;)))))

hyuck and jeno are laughing about the kissing scene next week, it hasn’t quite dawned on them that THEYRE actually the ones kissing

Jisung is frantically trying to find the lighting filters, even though he already gave them to mark, and then leaves after being told by you that he was stressing you out

in the lighting and sound booth, you’re going through the script again, marking areas the cast needs to go over and adding stage directions

you hums the duet that hyuck and jeno had been singing earlier as you do it

mark, who is balancing on a ladder on the stage, trying to fit the new filters onto the lights, nearly jumps out of his skin as he hears the humming come through the speakers around the theatre, the microphone in the booth catching every note of your singing

he smiles but continues changing the light filters, not being able to stop himself from singing the other part of the duet

soon, he’s screaming the lyrics as loud as he can to try and drown out some of your off key humming

you’re laughing in the booth as he screws up his face, his glasses balancing on the tip of his nose as he tries to block his ears with one hand and adjust the stage lights with the other

“now I can see why you’re on stage crew” you smirk, leaning down to talk through the mic, “you’re a terrible singer”

“a terrible singer, maybe, but even I can detect how off key your humming was” he yells back, sticking his tongue out and momentarily losing his balance on the ladder

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bourbonboredom · 5 years

Text

A Reason To Believe Chapter 6

Being an undercover officer is a perilous job and Flip Zimmerman knows this far too well. He keeps his romantic life limited to one-night stands, never letting anyone get too close. That all starts to change when he meets a vivacious Jewish woman named Elle just as he’s about to take on a seriously dangerous undercover job; infiltrating the KKK. Elle and his undercover work make him question things he’d never thought to before and challenge him to see the world, and himself, in a whole new light.

A Flip x OC Fic

Word Count: 4,339

Warnings: brief N$FW moment, brief mention of violence

When I'm with you

It doesn't matter where we are

Or what we're doing

I'm with you, that's all that matters

(x)

Flip was surprised when he ran his tongue over his lip and it brushed his mustache. He was trying to get a stray crumb but instead was met with the taste of pussy. Elle's pussy. Guess he missed a spot when washing his face that morning. He fought back a grunt as the tartness melted on his tongue, a reminder of his night. And the night before that. And the night before that.

After he'd spent that first night over in Elle's apartment, he was there almost every night for the next few weeks. The only time he elected to stay at his own place was when his undercover case had him up at weird hours. He'd go back to his lonely apartment, sad to sleep in an empty bed. He used to purposefully wake up before his date, prying himself from their bed and leaving before they even noticed.

He was a big guy and would prefer to have the bed to himself. But the way Elle's body curled up next to his just felt right. He'd wake up to the smell of her hair and the feeling of silky skin under his hand. If anything, it made it harder to leave in the morning. But he could control himself, he assured himself. They both had jobs to do, no sleeping in allowed.

He'd be fine at work most of the day, paperwork kept his mind busy. But little things brought his thoughts back to Elle. He'd catch a whiff of her perfume on his collar, or a stray piece of hair on his shirt, or her cum in his mustache.

He'd fought he urge to call her the first week and a half or so. He'd see her later in the day, there was no point of stopping what he was doing to call over to the hospital. It wasn't until his job kept him from seeing her for three days did he finally swallow his pride and call.

Jimmy had caught him at his desk. Flip thought everyone had gone to lunch, and used it as an excuse to 'call the hospital' to 'get more info on Kukowski's medical status'.

"You're smilin' an awful lot to be asking about a perp's condition," His partners eyebrows were raised as he clutched his coffee mug.

"It's confidential, if you'll excuse me for a minute," He put his hand over the phone so Elle couldn't hear, though the giggling in the background made him think she still could.

"You're talking to that cute nurse aren't you?" Jimmy's smile took up his whole face.

Flip furrowed his brow.

"Thank you for the update ma'am, have a nice day," He put on his authoritative voice, making Elle laugh harder on the other end.

"Alright officer, you too. I'll see you at the diner tonight," She responded before the line disconnected.

He hung up the phone and stood up to get more coffee from the break room.

"Get all the information you needed detective Zimmerman?" His partner called behind him, voice full of smug glee.

He was just met with a middle finger as Flip left the room.

——

"I wanna take you out," He mumbled against her breast.

Post-coitus, Flip had taken to resting his head on her chest. It gave her easy access to run her fingers through his hair, and let him use her breasts as pillows as he came down from his high.

"Like a date? We were just at the diner yesterday," She reminded him.

"No, like a real date. We can go to this nice Italian place on my side of town. They have candles on the tables and they dim the lights and stuff,"

"I mean if you want to. I don't think I've been on a real date in like a year," She mused, fingers scraping along his scalp in a soothing motion. He was practically purring under her touch.

“I’d say it’s just about time then,”

“When was the last time you went on a date? A real one, not picking up a girl at a bar,” She turned her head so she could look at him.

Her curls, which had been fanned across the pillow moments before, were gathered in to a braid and thrown over her shoulder. He was playing with the end of it, dragging the hair across her skin and watching her try not to act ticklish.

“I don’t know, maybe a couple of years ago?”

“You don’t have to answer if you don’t like the question, but why aren’t you married?”

His head rose from her chest as he propped himself up with his elbows. He looked at her, analyzing her face as he thought about how to answer.

“I am married. You’re my mistress, didn’t you know?”

“Phillip,” She rolled her eyes. “I’m serious. You’re a great guy, respectful, good in bed, you got a good job, I can’t figure out how you haven’t been snatched up,”

“I’m married to my job is the short answer. Being on the force is hard. I work long hours, I can’t always be there, and I have to keep a lot of secrets,” He bit at his lip as he thought of what he wanted to say next.

There were some things he wasn’t quite ready to share with her, mainly that he was an undercover officer and not just a regular guy on the force. If they were truly keeping things casual, he wanted to keep her away from the more dangerous aspects of his job. If they kept this going and got more serious, he pledged to himself to have an honest conversation about his position, and what it could mean for their relationship.

“I had a long time girlfriend when I joined the force. Linda. We started dating right before I was accepted at the academy. She helped me through it, staying up studying with me, going to my graduation. My mom kept asking me when I was going to propose. I thought I wanted to, maybe in the next year or so. But police work kept getting harder. I’d be working long nights, had to cancel a few dates. Linda was okay with it at first, but it kept happening. I’d try to make it up to her, but I was new to the team and a lot of the grunt work would fall on me. Eventually she broke up with me, said she couldn’t take it anymore. She never knew where I was or if I was safe or whether she was going to see me that night. I understood, tried to tell her it would get better, but I knew I couldn't make her happy anymore,”

“So I kept on with work, tried dating a few other girls after that but it was the same problem. They wanted me home for dinner every night and being a detective just doesn’t allow for that. Flings have just been easier,”

He didn’t realize he’d looked away from her while speaking, vulnerability bubbling up in his chest as he spoke. He looked back at her to see she’d been watching him the whole time. Her brow was slightly furrowed and her eyes tinged with sadness.

“I’m sorry that happened,” She started. “You deserve someone who understands,”

“You have pretty well,” He offered.

“My job is just similar is all. Long shifts, late nights. It’s a pain in the ass to work around, you just gotta find the right person. I thought I had, back in Indiana. I was seeing this guy, Abe. He worked at the university nearby and never complained about my job. He was the first guy who didn’t immediately try to get me to quit and become a housewife. He seemed to get that my job was important to me, that I really love what I do,”

“But?” Flip asked. Elle sighed and shrugged her shoulders.

“But once I got the opportunity to come work here in Colorado things started to change. Abe even talked about moving with me at one point, him getting a job at a state college down here. But the closer the moving date got, the more keen to stay in Indiana he was. It was just talk to him, a fantasy. He never really intended on moving, and never thought i’d actually want to go. When he realized what I really wanted, he begged me to stay with him. He gave me his grandmother’s wedding ring and asked me to marry him,”

“He didn’t really know you all that well then, huh?”

“No, I guess not,” Elle let out a dry laugh. “If I wanted to marry him, I would have by then. I think he thought it was romantic, a sweeping declaration of love. It really just cemented my decision to leave. I gave him the ring back and told him I was sorry. I took a Greyhound to here a week later,”

“I guess we’re both married to out jobs then,” Flip set his head back down on her chest.

“I do have to wear white everyday,” She noted, stifling a laugh. He chuckled at her joke along with her.

“We don’t have to worry about labels or anything right now. We’re just two busy adults having a good time with one another. No weddings or family heirlooms involved,” He assured her, his hand reaching up to play with the pendant sitting near the hollow of her throat.

“You’re the only guy I’m seeing right now,” He could feel the vibrations from her voice as she spoke. “I’m okay with this being more casual, but I thought you should know,”

“You’re the only girl I’m seeing right now,” He left out the part where even if there were others, he’d drop them in an instant to be with her. He knew he should take it slow, for both their sake, but he couldn't help but feel this was a little more emotionally invested than just having a good time together.

“Wow, we’re really bad at this,” She teased. “So, as two casual-but-currently-monogamous professionals, when is the best time for us to go on a date?,”

“Maybe Saturday night after you get off work? I can pick you up,” He knew he'd be meeting ‘the organization’ at Felix's house earlier that day. It would be his first meeting with the whole bunch, but he didn't expect it to last into the night.

“Only if we go dutch with the check,” She pointed at him.

"Of course," his palm rubbed against her bare breast catching her nipple. “Now do you think we can fit one more round in before midnight?”

She gasped under his touch, giving him a sly smirk before pulling him into round three for the night.

-------

If Flip knew he was going to spend his Saturday being forced to take a lie detector test at gunpoint, listen to his partner throw a rock through the window of a klansman's house, and then have to chase after said klansman to make sure his partner wasn't shot, he would have chosen a different night for his date with Elle.

But here he was, heart rate still trying to even itself as he drove home hours later. He would've been fine if Ron didn't throw a rock through the window of Felix's house. He would’ve talked his way out somehow. What was he even thinking? A black man instigating an attack while the house was crawling with armed white supremacists? He'd spoken to him about it at the station after he left Felix's, it didn't go great.

Ron was more focused on trying to make Flip impassioned about the cause. Trying to get him to feel the same way as he did, even though that wasn't him. He didn't let personal stuff get in the way of his work, he couldn't if he wanted to do a good job.

“Doesn’t that hatred you’ve been hearing the Klan say doesn’t that piss you off?” Ron had asked him in the dimly lit records room before they headed out for the weekend.

“Of course it does,” He’d responded. It was an easy question to answer, but it felt much more complicated under the surface.

“Then why you acting like you ain’t got skin in the game, brother?”

The Rookie’s words were frustrating. He didn’t understand what it was like for Flip growing up. His family pushing away their religion and their culture to fit in, until they were left with nothing but a name and some disregarded family heirlooms hidden away in the closet. Him never feeling like he really fit in with his Christian classmates, but also unable to relate to any Jewish people he met. He was always stuck in some middle ground, somewhere between what his parents wanted him to be and what they tried to keep from him.

Of course he had skin in the game, when the Klan talked about hating Jews, they were talking about his family. They were talking about Eliana. They were talking about him. Ron wasn’t considering how maybe it was so easy for him to slip into the roll of ‘White Anglo-Saxon Protestant, cherry pie, hot dog, white boy’ because it was all he ever knew. It’s not like he’s parading around with these racists and heading on home to Shabbat after, he knew nothing about the culture the Klan hated him for being apart of.

“Rookie, that’s my fucking business,” He gritted out, making direct eye contact with Ron. He didn’t want to talk about this anymore, especially not with his partner.

“It’s our business,” Ron responded.

Fuck that. He left him standing there in the back of the room as he lit a cigarette. It’d help calm him down.

Flip took a deep breath in an attempt to clear out all feelings from his work. He decided to focus on the night ahead. A date with Elle. A real date with Elle. He'd picked out his clothes earlier that day, his nerves getting the better of him. The black slacks and white polyester shirt were lying on his bed with a pair of dress shoes on the floor.

He slipped out of his work clothes and took a quick shower before re-dressing, his large hands buttoning the shirt with a practiced ease. He took a look in the mirror, smoothing down his damp hair into his usual center part before adjusting his cuffs.

All he could think when he looked at his reflection was of Felix pointing the gun to his head. It wasn't the first time it had happened. He'll, he'd been to war before he was on the force. And he'd been an undercover officer for the last three years, he'd had his fair share of close calls. But this was different. That gun wasn't to his head because of something completely out of his control; his heritage. Something he didn't even see as a big part of him.

What would have happened if they somehow found out who he really was? Would he have been shot over something so trivial? Was it trivial if someone wanted to kill him over it? He wasn't even a practicing Jew. But would that have mattered?

He laced up the dress shoes and shrugged on his sherpa jacket before leaving his quiet apartment to pick up his date. He tried hard to push his work out of his mind, turning up the radio to let a Chicago song take up the overworked parts of his brain.

Time passes much too quickly

When we're together laughing

I wish I could sing it to you, oh no

I wish I could sing it to you

He pulled up to Elle's right as she was walking out the front door. She beamed as she saw his car pull up. He put it in park and was about to climb out to open the door for her when she yelled over for him to stay inside.

Perplexed, he sat in the drivers seat as she got in the car and settled in the passengers side.

"You don't need to get out of the car just to get back in, I can open a dumb door by myself," She explained, giving him a peck on the cheek after.

"If you insist," He caught her face before she turned away, pulling her into a longer kiss on the lips.

She hummed with content as his lips pressed against hers, an emotion he felt himself. The world disappeared for a second, his problems evaporating when he could smell her perfume permeating the air around them.

They broke apart and it took him a moment to drift back to reality. With one hand on the wheel and one hand resting with hers in the median, he drove off toward their destination.

Giuseppe's Italian Restaurant was a tiny whole-in-the-wall joint, with decor that hadn't been updated since they opened in 1940. But they had some of the best reviews in the city.

Flip let Elle get out of the car on her own, taking a good look at her outfit for the night. Her hair was down, her dark curls contrasting against her fair skin. Her necklace rested against her clavicle as always. She was wearing a floral dress, made of a flowing material. The neckline was tight and plunged, showing a fair amount of skin, but the skirt came to mid-calf and was gathered. It wasn't something he'd ever picture her wearing but she looked fantastic.

"A dress?" He placed his hand on her lower back as they walked toward the entrance. "Weren't you just protesting by wearing pants to work?"

"I'm not at work, am I? I can clean up nice from time to time," She wore a sly smile as they were escorted to their table.

Wine was ordered with dinner, the plates of food so big that they had to move the candle to the side of the small table. Everything was going great, the two of them talking in hushed tones and laughing in not-so hushed ones. They picked off each other's plates, earning the occasional side-eye from some of the more refined diners. Elle would raise an eyebrow at them and they'd turn their attention back to their own table.

He was about to take another bite of pasta when he saw a man walk by the window who looked awfully familiar. Blonde hair, slight build, gaunt face, Felix-like. Flips blood suddenly ran cold. His eyes trained on the front window as the man walked by, trying to get a better look at him.

The man walked by, not bothering to look inside the restaurant. After a few seconds of studying his face, Flip determined it wasn't Felix. He breathed a sigh of relief, trying to yet again push the image of a gun to his head out of his mind.

"Flip?" He heard his voice called.

He turned his head back to the table to see Elle staring at him, brow furrowed. She'd rested her hand on top of his, something he hadn't even felt her do.

"You drifted for a moment there, are you feeling okay?" She asked.

“Yeah, just thought I saw someone from work, sorry about that,"

"Do you want to leave? We can eat the rest of this later if you'd like,"

"No, no, let's finish our date. I'm fine, really," He squeezed her hand, hoping to reassure her.

She gave him a look before continuing to eat. They filled the next couple of minutes with small talk, his mind still half at work as he thought about what happened at Felix's.

"Tell me more about your family," He found himself saying.

"Uh, what do you want to know?" She asked, looking at him with uncertainty.

"Why did they come to America? You said it was before the way right? Why America?"

"It's the land of opportunity. Coming from 1930s Germany, where they weren't even considered to be citizens, America was a paradise,"

"How were they not citizens?"

"Jews weren't citizens under the Nuremberg laws. Even if they'd lived in the country for generations, like my family. Before the war even started, dozens of restrictions were put on Jews to prevent them from contributing. We had to identify our businesses, we had to be in a registry, we couldn't marry outside our race-"

Flip's brain clicked. Jews were considered a race, not always just a religion. He knew this, but something in the way Elle spoke of it brought back memories of events he hadn’t really considered before. The way "Jew" was said by kids in grade school on the playground. The way it was said in a hushed tone by his mother's Bridge Club when she's host them at their house after carefully hiding all family relics. The way it was spat like venom by members of the Klan, said like it was the lowest thing a person could be.

"What were the Nuremberg laws?" He asked.

"What are they teaching out here?" She half-muttered, looking concerned. "They were laws to systematically enforce discrimination against Jews. The holocaust didn't happen overnight, the government worked for years to get Germany to see us as inferior. These laws prevented us from working and socializing outside our communities. Many fled, like my mother and father. They left in 1937, and had to give up most of their wealth in order to be allowed to emigrate. The rest of the family stayed behind, and were eventually taken to the camps,"

She grimaced as she spoke, rubbing her pendant between her fingers.

"My mother's brother was the only survivor we know of our family. He came to the US to live with us after he was liberated. I'd never met him before the war but mama says he wasn't the same when he came to live with us. He rarely talked about his time in the camps, and held a lot of survivors guilt. He watched everyone around him die, I can't imagine what he had to do to survive,"

She had looked down while talking, and looked back up at Flip when she finished, seeming startled.

"Sorry, this is really heavy conversation for a date,"

"No, I was the one who asked. I guess there are a lot of things they don't teach about the holocaust in school,"

"It's a shonda, how can people be expected to learn from it if they don't even know about it?" She slapped her hand on the table, drawing another look from a nearby table.

"They teach enough for it to never happen again," He said

"I hope you're right," She sounded unconvinced. "But either way, my family came here with next to nothing. At least they got here, a lot of people who tried to come to America as refugees were turned away at the border. They had to go back to Europe, where many died during the war. My parents were fortunate to have friends here to help get them on their feet,"

"I don't really know where my family came from. My grandparents on my fathers side came from Russia, but my mother never talked about her family. She said they'd passed away when I was a baby. We didn't really talk much in my family if you can't tell," He tried to make light of the situation.

"Maybe you could find some records at your parent's house. Or you could talk to your grandparents, if they're still alive,"

"They're not, but my parents inherited a bunch of their stuff, so I could ask," He said, thinking to himself about how that might go. They should be more open to talking about family stuff. He was an adult for fucks sake.

He considered how different his life was from Elle's. An assimilated military family in middle America versus an immigrant family from the biggest melting pot city in the world. Vastly different lives that somehow became connected. He caresses her hand with his thumb as he took it all in. The two of them sitting in this tiny restaurant in the candle light, talking about their lives openly.

"I like you, Eliana, a lot," He confessed, unable to find the words to fully express his feelings.

"I like you too, Phillip,” She stopped the movement of his thumb so she could hold his hand. "And this date is nice, but I can think of some place I'd rather be,"

"Oh?"

She leaned across the table, lowering her voice for his ears only.

"In my bed, with you on top of me, fucking me into the mattress until dawn,"

He was grateful his hair covered his ears because they for sure just turned red. He felt his cock stir in his pants, his hips shifting to try to adjust.

"Were in public, you know that right?" He smirked, lacing his fingers with hers.

"I can't help it if I want you in me 24/7," She pouted, letting her big brown eyes work him over.

"Is that so?" He leaned forward, letting his lips press against her ear as he spoke.

"If you want my fat cock in you, you're gonna have to listen closely Trouble. We're going to get out of here, get in my car and drive home. You're gonna be a good girl, I can't be getting pulled over by a coworker because you can't keep your hands to yourself,"

Her breath hitched as he continued.

"When we get back to your place, I suggest you take that dress off before I tear it off you. And then you'll get what you want, do you understand me?"

"Ten-four, detective," She whispered.

A few seconds later he felt her bare foot ghost over his lap. She must have taken off her heel while he was talking, and was now rubbing him through the fabric. The little minx. He raised an eyebrow at her, holding her foot steady with his hand. He was suddenly thankful the tablecloths were long.

"You said I couldn't touch you in the car, were not quite there yet, are we?" Her eyes glinted and her mouth twisted into a devilish smile.

"Check please!" He choked out.

_______

NOTES

There aren’t a ton of notes for this chapter, its more of just dissecting Flip’s feelings and struggle with understanding his identity. Where Elle grew up very sure in her cultural/religious identity, Flip didn’t really “grow up Jewish” as he mentioned in the movie. I think he’d definitely struggle with his identity, especially when confronted with so much hate regarding it.

Here’s a basic idea of what Elle’s dress might look like (center dress)

I mentioned the Nuremberg Laws in chapter 4, but if you want to hear about the atrocities of the holocaust listen to the Mengele episodes from Last Podcast On The Left. It’s a three-part series and a little hard to stomach at times. I have a pretty strong stomach when it comes to true crime but this one got me a few times where I had to take a break (definite TW).

A shonda is yiddish for a disgrace/scandal. Its great vocab for overdramatic people such as I.

Thanks for reading!

#flip zimmerman #flip x reader #flip zimmerman x reader #masterlist #ARTBmasterlist

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