#and with how stressed i am with work lately i find myself even less motivated | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

samssims · 4 months

Note

Hi Sam! I was wondering if I could ask for some advice on how to make simblr fun again? I love storytelling (it's how I have fun with the game) but lately with writing posts and even in game, I just find myself stressing over if it's good/interesting enough or if I took good screenshots, if my writing is good, etc. I love this game and sharing my stories with this community, so it sucks to feel like this. Thank you sm ♥

Oh Nonny, how I feel this pain. I wish I had a sure fire answer to this but sadly there isn't just one thing that will work.

I will put some advice below for some things that have worked for me in my experience if you're interested in trying them out to try to find that spark again!

Now I have been on tumblr sharing my sims since 2013 so I have seen the community change a lot. Things change, people come and go, it's just the natural way of things. So a lot of the time your community can change around you and so a few years ago sims storytelling was really popular and it was the thing everyone was doing. And I mean everyone.

But now things have sort of fallen off or shifted and there is no shame in that for those who moved onto other things and hobbies. Sims storytelling, at it's core, is a hobby. No one is making money off of it (unless you write it all down and get it published in which case, hell yeah go you!)

That being said, finding your spark again is going to be finding what YOU like about storytelling in the sims.

So here are some tips you can try out in the game to keep it fresh and exciting:

Play the Game

The game has changed a lot and added a lot. It came out in 2014. It's about to be 10 years old. With expansions still being added. Honestly having a family where you can just play through what the game offers you can offer inspiration on how to use in game things for story related things later on.

I have found having a lowkey gameplay (for yourself or even for your blog if you are posting) is an easy way to stay active in the community while keeping things low stakes and casual for yourself while you work on finding your spark again.

Change Up your Post Style

Idk about you Nonny, but nothing gets me less motivated than having to edit photos. If I could just point, shoot, and post, I would have content coming out my ears. Which is what I started doing with my Princess Legacy. All I do is crop it. I add some things here and there but really it's all pretty much easy.

Now I have done it all.

Prose on photos.

Prose under photos:

Icons Only:

Gameplay Only:

And finally just cropped:

Now what is the best? That is personal preference especially for the project you are doing. However I have definitely discovered the crop method to be SUPER helpful.

It makes me not have to worry about the whole photo. Sometimes I have this SUPER awesome detail in the back of a photo but when I crop them I lose all that. Which is not good for storytelling lets be honest but does force me to focus on what is actually important in the shot.

Example: Here is the full cottage photo from above You can see that I cropped out a lot of the cottage in favor of being able to see the deer and swans as i thought that was more a cozy fairytale vibe than just the cottage itself. I lost a lot of this detail yet the point still came across.

TBH the paired crop photos also makes me cut out a lot of access photos if they don't have a pair. It's sort of made me realize how much I don't need to take screenshots of. Though I am definitely an overtaker of photos so I always have plenty to choose from. Sometimes I even queue them then look back and realize they aren't needed and delete. It's humbled me a bit.

I could break down every one of these posting styles but that's a whole other thing you didn't ask about.

TLDR of this section is to experiment with how you post. You can have a lot of fun with that.

If Something is Boring, Skip it.

Do you hate the infant stage? Age them past it. Do you hate the winter months in game? Set seasons to never have winter. Do you hate in game holidays ruining your plans? Delete them all from your calendar. Is it a crucial part to your story? Not anymore. Write around it. Or find some creative angles and dialogue to write over it.

Make the game fit you!

Follow the Inspo

Have inspiration to make a new sim in CAS? Do it! Want to make a whole new save? Have an idea for one scene that could start a whole story but you have nothing else for it? DO IT!!!

The game is supposed to be fun. If you have inspiration for a project, live in it. Have fun with it.

But Sam, what if only lasts 2 weeks and I never touch it again?

Me too, babes. Happens to me all the time. Own it. Keep it around in case you want to mess with it later. Have 10 million saves. It's your life and if it brings you a moment of joy to work on it, then it totally is worth it.

If you want to be like me: Be chaotic and post it too. Then private the posts later when you decide to never touch it again. Never delete tho. I always tend to regret deleted things.

Find Your Community

You should ultimately write and create for yourself, but find others who are doing it too! Lift them up as well! Use one day a week on your blog to give reblogs or shoutouts to your fellow creators and writers! It's all about lifting each other up and making friends who all have the same hobby as us.

Try New Challenges

A lot of my sims storytelling started from inspiration around legacy challenges. I loved to take challenge rules and figure out how to make a story around them. But remember: Rules are made to be broken. Especially in favor of a good story.

If you are working on a current challenge/story, find another to merge with it or to give yourself a heck of a fun plot twist. There are no rules!

Have Fun!

This is sort of the whole crux of it, right? And if you're not having fun then...

Take a Break

You are not beholden to your queue! Let it die out! Disappear for 6 months. Return when you want. Go play Animal Crossing or BG3 or whatever it is at the moment. Sims is a hobby. But it does not have to be your ONLY hobby. Let your brain rest.

In my case, whenever I leave the sims I am always filled with ideas and ready to come back in like 3 days.

This could also mean take a break from your save too. Maybe spend some time in CAS. Or in build mode. Or cleaning out your mods. You can still do sims things while letting your story brain rest.

TLDR:

There is no right answer for this, Nonny. I promise your photos are all gorgeous and your story is wonderful! But creativity like anything ebbs and flows so give yourself that grace to let yourself rest and just enjoy the game again, or enjoy time away from it! You deserve it you superstar creator!

#Sam Speaks #nonsims #looooong post #so sorry I got carried away #had to wait to get to my laptop to answer this one #which is why it took me a minute #hope you find your spark nonny!

31 notes · View notes

sh00t · 2 years

Text

I've been putting off setting up a fundraiser for months, but I recently became homeless so now's the time to do it. ❤️

I'm 23 and top surgery has been the only thing keeping me alive for over a year now.

I have c-PTSD, bipolar and late-diagnosed ADHD that has caused me to withdraw from university, escape my transphobic and abusive parents and pay for private healthcare in order to survive daily life. I am now homeless living in temporary accommodation from the council which I still have to pay for.

I’ve managed to save £5.5k the past three years to pay for top surgery (removal of breast tissue to achieve a flat, masculine chest). I’m now having to withdraw thousands from this fund due to worsening life circumstances. With my surgery quote at £7,991 and booked for 2nd November later this year, I’m facing working 48 hour weeks as a carer for people with dementia, in order to replenish my fund and pay for this live-saving surgery in time. Every month delayed has a huge impact on my mental and physical health.

I receive abuse and punishment at home which has contributed to my mental health and constant state of hypervigilance, even when there is no real threat around me. My stress resilience is tiny compared to my peers and I am extremely emotionally reactive to things, unable to cope with the intensity of my pain and regulate myself when distressed.

I have been seeing mental health professionals since I was 13, through school, charities and funding from Disabled Students Allowance. When I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in 2020, I was self-harming and on track to ruining my life with addiction and £16k in debt.

Since then I’ve engaged in many forms of therapy that teach the basics of how to sleep and coping with emotions. I was on antidepressants and now on two mood stabilisers, hormone blockers to prevent persistent bleeding and further mood episodes, and am starting ADHD meds in order to get me functional, back to work and able to finish school again. My psychosomatic symptoms include nausea, digestion issues, muscle aches, cramps, and brain fog most days, which worsen when I’m stressed and leave me unable to even sit up in bed some days, leave the house or walk long distances.

I chose to study psychology because I want to be a therapist for disabled, queer, POC (people of colour) and immigrant students like me one day. Things I’ve done for the community include being a POC community officer for my uni's Pride Society, LGBTUIA+ rep for my course, getting charity funding for a BPD wellbeing community I co-started, and volunteering on the NHS LGBTI+ Sounding Board.

Now for the hardest part: asking for help.

Any donation (or simply sharing this fundraiser) could help ease the stress I'm going through as I struggle to budget for:

Therapy

ADHD treatment

Food & shelter

This life-saving surgery

Time to take care of myself, much less have fun

I've been so focussed on survival for so long. It's difficult to find motivation to do anything, and, especially recently, I think about wanting to die for several hours every day. I cancel outings with friends because the thought of travelling and having to schedule around 12 hour work shifts is too stressful. Figuring out where I'm going to sleep, shower and commute from, plus timing when to take my medication so I'm not sedated during work shifts, has me feeling constantly worried and sad.

Thank you in advance for any help, and if nothing else, reading and getting an understanding of issues trans people can face accessing healthcare.

152 notes · View notes

shadymissionary · 7 months

Text

Hi, I feel like rambling here for a bit. I have a kinda life-changing conversation coming up tonight that I'm both extremely excited and extremely anxious about.

My partner and I have more or less been in a polyamorous relationship with our two close friends for...idk, 3 years? We've been getting very close with them over the years, and now that we all live in the same city and see each other frequently, it's almost always on my mind. And polyamory can be scary and confusing!! There is almost no framework for it that we learn about growing up, like with monogamous relationships, and so it feels a lot harder to navigate all of the questions and uncertainties.

Circumstances could not have lined up more perfectly to have this conversation though, so I'm feeling good about things. And it's just going to be an enormous relief to be open and honest with my friends about things that I've been holding in for years.

These two are so important to me, I love them so much they're like family, and I've felt so insecure about speaking up about certain things due to the fear of their reactions and potentially damaging our relationship. But I know they love me too and will be completely understanding.

I'm so happy to have an amazing partner that has listened to me vent about this stuff for years now, and his support feels like the one thing that has kept me sane. And I'm glad that I finally have the confidence and motivation to move through all of this uncertainty into a healthier relationship for all of us.

I've been doing a lot of work on myself lately, starting HRT, journaling, going back to therapy, reading mental health books, and listening to mental health podcasts. Last week I was listening to a lecture on Individuation, from Jungian psychology, and the concept of synchronicity was introduced to me. Basically, finding a connection between your own thoughts/desires and the things happening around you in the world. And to recognize when the universe is slapping you in the face telling you to do something.

I had an amazing therapy session yesterday and discussed the feelings I'm having, and how I finally feel ready to address them so I can move on from all this stress. But not knowing how best to find a time to talk about these things and get the conversation started has been the obstacle. I left the session knowing I had to reach out to the two I need to talk to and see if there's a time we could meet and chat. I even had a time limit on myself of getting this done before they host a Halloween party next weekend.

Lo and behold, just a few hours after yesterday's therapy session, I get a text from them asking us to come hang out tonight. Normally I would think up some reason not to, just wanting to chill at home on a Tuesday night, but it was so clear that the opportunity to talk was literally being handed to me. It makes me feel like the world is telling me to do this, and that it's gonna be okay.

I am going to cry so, so hard. But it's going to feel good to get it all off my chest. It's kinda scary, I've never cried in front of either of them that I can recall. So I know it's going to be a surprise that I've been holding all of these feelings in for years. More than anything, I just want the four of us to all be on the same page.

What's also kind of funny to me is like... in most respects, this should be a very easy step for me, but I've had to do so much to build my confidence in order to have this conversation. Earlier this month I came out as non-binary to my parents, and then soon after to my whole extended family. Like, that stuff should have been the hard part! And it was, don't get me wrong, but it didn't take nearly as much effort and crying as it has to prepare myself for tonight's conversation. The impossible task in my mind has been "open up about your feelings to your closest friends." And I'm certain now that I can do it, and that it will work out. ♥

This final dungeon music has been playing in my head all day as this conversation looms in the near future. Fitting that I just got to this point in Baten Kaitos last night hehe. I am gonna survive from that mf force!!

youtube

5 notes · View notes

yukidragon · 1 year

Note

Do you have any advice on getting motivated to write? I love writing, but lately its been really difficult to do so without my adhd meds

I find that it's a lot like building up your muscles with exercise. It's hardest at the start. Everything feels like it's not working and it's painful. You get frustrated and want to stop easily. However, the more you do it, the easier it gets. You even get to a point where it gives you a high when you can manage to just relish the process.

Also like a muscle, if you stop writing for a long period of time, it's harder to resume again. It can feel frustrating that you're not back at peak form where you were before, but if you keep going at it, you'll get back there quicker than you got there the first time.

From my teenage years all the way deep into my twenties, I gave myself a writing quota. Every single day, I was to write at least one paragraph of something. It didn't have to even be good, and I certainly didn't have to show it to anyone. It could've been just as silly as this example I'll give here:

...

Alice suddenly grabbed onto Jack's chest and groped his tits. This was just a dream after all, so why not indulge herself? She didn't realize that a lack of sleep from overwork, the brandy cake her friends shared with her, and her new prescription medication was not a winning combination, but Jack certainly wasn't about to complain!

...

Utterly silly and self-indulgent, am I right? But that's what you've got to do in order to build up your writing muscles, so to speak. You need to make it rewarding for yourself. Don't stress about what people think and just have fun. You don't have to share everything you write after all.

Think of these sorts of exercises as narrative doodles. Don't fret about how good or not they are. They're only meant to reward you for practicing your writing. If they turn out to be something you want to later clean up and share, well, that's a lovely bonus isn't it?

Needless to say, if a silly little paragraph for fun like this blossoms into a full blown story, all the better. The best way to build yourself up is to make it rewarding. The less pressure you put on yourself, the more you can really flourish.

I don't do quotas anymore, but I found just encouraging myself to write more, even something silly and for my own personal enjoyment and no one else's, really took the pressure off me. It helped me want to write more.

I hope any of this advice helps! Good luck on getting motivated to write more. I'm cheering for you!

#Ask #Just Writer Things #Sunny Day Jack

13 notes · View notes

pollen · 2 years

Text

positive e/d/ recovery thoughts below the cut ft discussion of calories, exercise, and body image. numbers of calories are mentioned in the context of requirements and expenditure. please don't read if it's something that feels like it might be harmful to you at the moment

recently i've been like. seeing the progress of the last 4 months. i'm getting so solid and muscular, but a lot of it is quite distressing because of the loose skin i have from my weight loss, both for my dysmorphia and my general body image. and i'm really just getting to the point where i'm tired of stressing about food, especially because i know it's not something i want to do forever and instead i want to find sustainable balance in my exercise and food so i can live relatively worry-free while trusting my body and mind

and i know that to get the physique i want (because an aesthetic goal is still guiding my decisions about food and exercise, this is something that i don't know if i'll be ready to shake any time soon), i have to eat. and eat a lot. and the eating a lot will aid in looking leaner and i know this, like my body's still storing recovery weight because i was restricting for two years. the only way to recomp is to eat. so i've been doing research into how much i need for my height/weight/activity level even just to maintain, not even necessarily to gain muscle, and on all of the calculators i've used, my maintenance calories are above the 2000 mark. which is so normal but coming from a mindset of extreme, and i mean extreme, restriction? it feels like there's no way that could be true

but i exercise a lot. my performance lately has been so, so good. i'm so impressed with myself for how i'm handling both parts of my split. my endurance is incredible. i'm able to whip out sets of strength exercises that a year, two years ago, i never thought would be possible for me to do. on average, id wager my calorie expenditure for exercise alone is about 600 daily. of course i need to eat a lot to maintain my current weight

even my bmr sits at like 1500. that's just so bonkers. and i don't track my caloric intake exactly because it would probably not be great for me but i'd guess that i'm not even eating my bmr most days

and for the past week i've been making sure i get at least 42g of protein, which is half of my minimum for maintenance, and i feel so much less hungry. i think i'm at a place in my recovery where i'm confident that everything will balance out, and instead of seeing how little i can survive on, i'm so invested and motivated to see what would happen if i were to properly fuel my body

it's just been incredible. i haven't given into all of my hunger because i've been in a bit of a b/r cycle but i know from experience that on days where i am giving into my hunger, or when we go out for dinner and drinks, and i just eat whatever sounds good that nothing bad will happen at all. nothing at all. literally nothing will change. my anxiety around food is so much better. and i feel more at home in my body every day. and i feel stronger every day. and taking care of myself and making sure i get all of the energy and nutrients my body needs to continue performing at the level i feel best at is very strange after so long denying myself anything like this. idk. there's so much more room to negotiate than i thought. i have to clock in for work so post over but yeah idk! i'm just feeling good lately even though i have terrible terrible days still. just gotta trust the process y'know

3 notes · View notes

majoringinsarcasm · 4 months

Text

Meh

The thing about me is that I would love to make an appointment and ask my doctor hey can you refer me to some screening places so I can see if I have anything and then I go to the place and they do the test

And if they’re like congratulations you do I’d be like sweet I love learning about myself

But if I Don’t have anything and my brain is just Like This I’d be. Sad. Like an explanation for all the stuff I did as a kid and how my brain reacts to things and how I react to stress and all that. Amazing.

But if I’m just Like This naturally and there’s no word or name or diagnosis or theory it’s just How I Am.

And then the whole oh you just want attention oh everyone is blank these days. Is just simply not true. Because people know and see how you treat others and they are way less likely to confide in you about anything.

So yeah I’d like to officially Know yes or no, but I’m afab shaped and have been acting a certain way for y Wes and bottling things up that could just be regular depression which I already know I deal with clinically or less severely like I’ve got that. Which could also just affect everything else but I know I wasn’t Depressed as a child or at least my actions weren’t related to my sadness

Anyway. I feel silly. It’s not something to Want for, ADHD or autism or anything. I feel like this post is “oh I wanna be different so bad please give me the different gene tee hee” but it’s just me as an adult wondering if yeah. Maybe something Is different about me that I wasn’t able to think about as a child and is it too late to find out. After years of Performing Well would I even show anything on the test. How do I convey I think about my feelings more than feel them in a way that’s not trying hard to prove something they may not be true.

I say that as if it’s bad or wrong to be neurodivergent and that’s Not what I mean at all. I’ve always phrased it as “what if something is Wrong with me” growing up which is not meant to be negative. Ive just felt differently from my peers and Wrong was the best word bc again most of these feelings are caused by stress or the depression so Wrong as in other ppl don’t seem to react this way.

Idk man. You’re never too old blah blah but I’d like to know? This doesn’t even go into being black and how my family never talks about this kind of stuff and in the past was actively against the idea of my younger sibling being on any spectrum which is still likely. I’ve been the Good older sibling who talks to ppl and communicates and can fake it and do all the proper things but that’s bc I’ve been copying others from tv and books and other humans. Over a long time. Kid me couldn’t do all this stuff adult me Has to do.

Idk. Lol. I wish I could ask little me how she felt if she noticed anything at all. I’ve got memories and pretty vivid ones at that but asking an adult who’s buried stuff for a long time if they “like parties or prefer to stay at home” or “if they like organizing” feels unhelpful. Bc it’s not a yes or no and it depends on how I feel and how motivated I am.

Anyway I go back to work tomorrow after not being scheduled for a week and my job makes me sad and this is something I’m sad and worried about.

#bleh emotions

0 notes

keefwho · 2 years

Text

October 09 - 2022

10:32 PM

Well today I didn’t read my book like I meant to. MAYBE I still will before bed. I did man up and push through tummy problems I had this evening though. I think I’m just in a bad part of the cycle right now. Seems like for no actual reason my stomach will act up for a couple days every now and then. I can’t trace this to any kind of food I ate. Maybe its based on my mood? I know stress can fuck me up but I haven’t been very stressed I don’t think. Or maybe I have been, I can’t remember.

This morning I was GIGA bored, I couldn’t find anything I wanted to do. So it was a pretty shitty morning. I also slept in an hour late because for once my bed was actually too comfortable to get up from, and I didn’t really feel like facing the day tbh. I didn’t have any real plans so I knew getting up would be me being bored stressing out about what to relax with. REALLY dumb. Mid day got better in terms of things to do. I did some art, watched a Henry stream, and planned to try Rec Room for the first time. The tummy issues were starting before lunch though. They were mild today, mostly slight pain as things chugged along. I ate soup, oatmeal, and doritos for lunch. Today I’m struggling to meet my calorie quota. I’m trying to with dinner but it would rely on me eating some of my chicken and I only have 1 bag right now. I need my parents to pick some up for me in town. Chicken is a very good recovery food for me and it’ll be stressful to not have any.

I’m kinda tired of talking to myself. I say a lot of the same things over and over. Both in topic and writing style. I catch myself using “just’ and “kinda” and other bloat words I’m trying to be conscious about catching.

Time to be a little mushy. It doesn’t cease to be heartwarming to hang out with my friend late at night and chat. I don’t know how to keep telling her how much her time means to me without going overboard and the message losing it’s meaning.

I think I’ve become too centered about habit and scheduling. I try to only schedule reasonable things like work time but Ive noticed times I naturally do things and try to stick to them. Its becoming a problem because when something doesnt happen in a certain time frame, it makes me a little worried. It’ll be hard to go with the flow more but what I want to change is my eating schedule. I just know the times I usually get hungry and try to adhere to those times but sometimes Im not hungry at those times. It might hurt my tummy to be eating when it doesn’t want to. I also don’t always feel hunger when I’m hungry. A good example is this evening when mild tummy problems inhibit my appetite even though I KNOW I should eat.

One idea I had to break out of the habit mindset is to use my awkward afternoon time to do something new. Just for a couple hours I could play a game I haven’t in a long time, or watch a new show, or go outside in the woods or something. Anything unique. It seems perfect since I never know what to do from around 3-6pm. Maybe I could try looking at the clock less too.

12:08 AM

I’m careful not to RELY on external influence, but some people make me want to be strong. I’ll take motivation wherever I can get it I guess. I want to be strong for myself too but it’s nice to have some extra push. It’s easy to give up and do nothing when I’m completely on my own. After all who is there to care aside from myself, and sometimes I don’t care.

I feel like I might be pulling out of my period of mental stagnation. I have things to try and look forward to right now.

#journal #diary

0 notes

riboism · 2 years

Text

someone posted something on their blog and I wanna reply to them but I’m still shadowbanned 🙃 libra, I hope you see this post :(

I’m in the same boat as you. My first job after graduating college is at a fucking clothing retail store. Everyone makes me feel like shit about it, and I’m tired of explaining myself to them. Yes, I have a degree, but I’m not going into that field anymore. I realized pretty late that I don’t want to do this as a career so I decided to go into a totally different field after finishing my bachelors. I can’t get an internship in this new field until I take a few classes, and I don’t want to do an internship in my degree field because the thought of it makes me want to puke. I tried to get a job that’s somewhat relevant to my career goals but I got ghosted every single time. So I got a retail job. I really didn’t want to, I hate retail and I hate talking to customers, but I really needed the money and I knew that they would hire me right away.

It sucks seeing people your age doing jobs in their fields and making bank while you’re stuck doing a retail job and barely making any money. I thought I’d be making a lot since they offered to pay me a dollar over minimum wage but then the company IMMEDIATELY cut hours once I started working so my paychecks are laughable. Now that I’m going back to school, I have to work even less hours and my paychecks are going to be so small and that stresses me out. I’m also worried about seeing ateez :( although I really want to see them again and I have been saving up, I feel like I should hold on to that money I’ve been saving and keep it for financial security. You’re right, it’s not even just the ticket cost, it’s transportation, hotel, and food as well, and the thought of it makes me nervous. I really hope somehow you can see them because you deserve to :( if you do sit this one out, it’s okay because they’ll definitely come back! You’ll see them one day :)

Sometimes, I feel so ashamed about where I am in life. It’s been worse the past few weeks because my cousin, who’s younger than me, got a really good paying nursing job, and she’s only a junior in college. I was so happy for her, but then my parents found out and made me feel bad about it :(

I know how hard it is to apply for programs, trust me, I’ve been avoiding it for over a year and didn’t send in my application until very last minute. I got into the program which is great, but then I started to feel a little depressed about it. I feel like I’m starting all over again while everyone else is already moving on with their lives.

But you know what? It’s fine. Everyone is going at their own pace. Some people get to their finish line early, and some people (like us) still have a few laps left. But we’ll get there soon enough. I know you’re not satisfied with where you are in your life, but I want to remind you that this is only temporary. You’re doing the best with what you can right now and that’s enough. In time, you’ll get a call back from a good paying job, and you’ll find the motivation to apply for your mph. Just be patient with yourself. You’re doing great <3 When tumblr fixes my account, you can message me anytime about anything and I’ll be happy to listen :) I wish I could just reply to your post or send an ask, I feel awkward posting like this but I really wanted to let you know this because I wished someone had said this to me months ago :(

0 notes

octoberink · 2 years

Text

So...

I know that I have already taken so many “breaks” lately. The truth of the matter is, I have been very lost this month. I feel overwhelmed and anxious anytime I try to draw something.

Anytime I open my iPad or put pencil to paper, I just feel stressed about drawing. And I have always been afraid of getting to this point, so afraid that this would happen to me. It has in the past but only for a day or two, due to stress and anxiety from work or family. But for it to last this long has really started to worry me. I’m not sure if I’ve just overworked myself, or if there’s some other aspect of my life that’s causing this kind of stress. But for the past week and a half I’ve done little to no drawing, hoping that maybe I just needed a long, clean break from it. And yet, trying to sketch even a small thing the other day brought back some anxiety.

I think another thing about all of this that’s giving me anxiety is the fear of letting down my followers. Because I draw too many new characters, and come up with too many stories, or I don’t draw enough, or I take too many breaks when releasing comic pages, or I work on too many other things when I should be working on the comic, or what I’m working on is too simple, or the story I’m coming up with is too complex...it’s an endless, vicious cycle of self-sabotage. And it’s exhausting.

And it’s all on me. This is no one’s fault but my own, and it’s something I have to figure out, and work on. All my life I’ve worried myself sick about what people think of me. In recent years, I’ve been better about it, mostly with my physical appearances. But online, where I’ve created this account with so many stories and characters that are here one day, dismissed the next, unfished, broken, flawed...I worry that that is all anyone sees. Just the flaws in what I’m doing.

And I think that’s why I’m stuck in the biggest “slump” of my life. I’m always assuming that your expectations of me are always going to be big and grand, and I put pressure on myself to meet those expectations that aren’t even there. It’s a monster of my own making, and I have to take care of it.

I’m sorry if this is all too personal. I’m just trying to explain myself. And I needed to explain myself so that you’ll understand why I will be taking some time off from...well, just whatever I want and need. Whether that’s the comic, stories I’ve started, or drawing certain characters.

I’ve always been so focused on just drawing. I’d wake up, draw, go to work, draw on my breaks, go home, and draw before bed. On the weekends, I’d draw for hours and hours. And I think I’ve just overdone it. I need to take time to do other things, like write the books I’ve had in my head. Read more books to learn, and absorb, and find other inspirations and motivations. Take my time to learn a new craft, a new passion maybe. Otherwise, I sit and rush to finish a drawing, because I only have so much time before work, or before bed.

Which was the other thing, I was always worried about time. About my own time, and how little I had left in the day to work on something. And honestly, I’m tired of worrying about things like that. I want to take this new year, and make a lot of changes for myself. Good changes. And I’m starting here, and now.

There’s possibly going to be less coming from me while I figure myself out. I won’t promise weekly pages from the comic anymore, unless I have them done ahead of time. I won’t promise the continuation of stories from new or old characters. If I post a blurb, or a new chapter of something, I will not reply to “When will there be a next part/a new chapter?” “Will you write more?” because my answer will always be the same. “I don’t know.” I am always flattered and grateful when you enjoy what I’ve written, and I understand why you would want to know if there will be more coming, but please remember that I usually put in the descriptions of my posts if I will or won’t be working on more of a story idea.

I may not post as often as I used to because I will be focusing my time on other things. I will be dedicating my mornings to writing, my breaks during the day to reading, and if I have the right inspiration, I will draw at night before bed. On the weekends, I will be doing my best to split up my time between all three, and I will be posting things again when I can. Sometimes things may come only days apart, some weeks apart.

I understand that many of you follow me for my Giant/tiny pieces and stories. Yes, I will still be posting anything I come up with for that genre, but I will also be posting...just whatever I want. Not what I think everyone else wants.

...again, this is no one’s fault, except mine. I’ve just reached a new revelation in my life, and it’s something I have to figure out. Like putting a new puzzle together. I’m sorry that this is such a long explanation of me basically saying, “I don’t know what the hell I’m doing, so I’m going to do whatever the hell I want to figure it out.” I just wanted to be clear, and honest with you all. Because while I may be intimidated and shocked by how many of you are following me, I am beyond grateful for the support you’ve given me. It’s why I’m doing this instead of just giving up, and closing my accounts. So, thank you. Thank you for being patient, understanding, and kind to me and my characters. I will be back soon, I can promise you that.

I just need one more break.

#i'm sorry #break #thank you

30 notes · View notes

avengershumanresources · 3 years

Text

blood 1 - Strange/Stark!Reader

Relationship: Dr. Strange/Princess!Stark!Reader

Rating: M

Warnings: Adult Themes, eventual smut (like, wayyy down the line), adult language, implied sexual violence, general violence

Synopsis: Reader is the daughter of the legendary King Anthony Stark, Uniter of Lands, The Iron Defender, and leader of the realm. When the king disappears during battle, hope is lost and he is presumed dead.

When the late king’s uncle, Obadiah, takes the throne until your brother Peter is of age, he quickly arranges a marriage for you with a wicked king in a neighboring kingdom.

With the realms politics in question, and rumors of an upcoming siege to overthrow Peter’s rule before it starts, you quickly learn who is loyal to the crown and who is not.

Masterlist

Chapter Playlist

1 - an empty grave

Cast:

The Royal House Stark:

King Obadiah Stark (Obadiah Stane)

King Anthony Stark (presumed dead)

Queen Virginia Stark (Pepper)

The Late Queen Alexandra Stark (your mother)

Princess Stark!Reader- you

Prince Peter Stark (Peter Parker)

Princess Morgan Stark

Knights:

Sir Samuel Wilson

Sir Steven Rogers

Sir Clinton Barton

Spellcasters/Master Sorcerers/Sorceresses:

Stephen Strange

Wanda Maximoff

Master Wong

Loyal to House Stark:

Natalia Romanoff (Natasha)- Assassin

James Barnes- her partner

Prince Thor- of Asgard, United with Stark’s kingdom

Prince Loki- of Asgard

Lady Brunhilde- of Asgard

Lady Sif- of Asgard

King T’Challa- of Wakanda

Princess Shuri- of Wakanda

(---)

In a final twist of irony, the day of the funeral was bright and warm.

You’d stood quietly while the priest recited his words, while candles were lit, while the Queen trembled silently next to you. You held Morgan’s hand, you listened while the choir sang, the ominous sound reverberating through your chest.

The mourners in black whispered while the royal family walked up to an empty coffin. You touched the polished wood, fist tightening at your side. Pepper bowed her head, reciting a quiet prayer.

How stupid. All of this was stupid. Praying to an empty box, crying over nothing.

You kept your eyes down, lest you betray your own thoughts. Now wasn’t the time for rebellion. Not when your queen step-mother was relying so heavily on tradition and ritual to get through the day. It’d be borderline cruel to start antagonizing her in this way.

No, you’d wait.

Peter, your half-brother in blood but full brother in heart, touched your elbow, pulling you from your thoughts, and guiding you away from the coffin. He kept his eyes forward, expression stoic while he lead the family back to their positions in the massive cathedral.

“They’ll pay for this,” he murmured low into your ear, as if reading your mind. The words were laced with a malice you’d never heard from the normally cheerful prince.

You didn’t reply, instead you grabbed your younger brother’s hand and gave it a tight squeeze. A silent agreement.

The attack had been a betrayal of one of the kingdom’s oldest allies, a neighboring kingdom ruled by someone your father had once trusted with his life.

Apparently nothing was sacred anymore.

The funeral ended somberly, mourners murmuring amongst each other, ladies fawning over Pepper, though the queen looked none too pleased with the attention.

You searched the crowd for a pair of familiar of blue eyes, finding their owner tucked away from the crowd in a secluded corner. He was speaking quietly to the sorceress, Wanda, his eyes flicking up to meet your gaze. With a small nod, he signaled you over.

Weaving through the mass of people, you slipped into the conversation with Wanda regarding you, frowning in sympathy.

“I’m so sorry, your highness,” she whispered, bowing her head. “Your father was a good man, and an honest king. The realm is less for this loss.”

“Thank you,” your tone was colder than you’d intended, a reflection of the bitterness taking form within. Clearing your throat, you tried again, softer and more agreeable this time. “He truly was the best of us.”

Stephen sent Wanda a quick glance and the sorceress excused herself, parting the hall in a hurry.

“You’re angry,” he noted quietly.

“Am I?” you hummed, quirking a brow up at your friend. “I thought I was supposed to be sad?”

“You’re allowed to be angry,” he replied, folding his hands behind his back. “It just means you understand the injustice of it all.”

“Peter wants revenge,” you stated, mimicking his motion and staring out at the sea of royals and court members.

“Understandable,” he murmured. “I imagine a number of officials feel similarly.”

“He isn’t old enough to take the throne,” you supplied. “We can’t go to war without a seated leader.”

“It wouldn’t be the first time an heir succeeded in an unorthodox manner,” he noted before turning his head to look at you. “How are you, truly?”

You opened your mouth to reply, words catching in your throat. You felt hollow. You felt like you wanted to scream until you woke up from whatever nightmare you were caught in. Your heart felt like it had been ripped from your chest and stomped on.

“I’m not certain,” you finally confessed, hands straining against each other behind your back. “Part of me wants to ride through the night and kill that traitor. The other wants to curl on the ground and fill the empty grave myself.”

He nodded in understanding.

“Grief is a powerful thing,” he replied softly, scanning the room before turning and giving you his full attention . “Would you like hide in the observatory a while?”

You looked up to him in surprise. The room was still full of mourners, citizens, and members of the court. Your duty would be to talk to everyone as they passed, pulling the burden off of Pepper.

“Can we?” you asked, voice cracking at the thought of having to converse any further.

Stephen gave you a mischievous smirk, nudging you toward a side door of the church. You followed his lead, slipping out of sight and tucking yourselves away from the crowds inside a small alcove.

“They’ll want to focus on Peter and the queen anyway,” he noted casually, drawing up a portal with his fingers. “No point in dwelling. I’ll tell anyone who asks that you fainted from the stress and required immediate medical attention.”

“I’m sure they’ll all believe it,” you retorted with a matching grin, taking his hand and letting him help you through the portal with all of your heavy mourning apparel.

The observatory had been a new addition to the palace after Stephen had arrived as its master sorcerer. Before, it’d been an abandoned archer’s tower, last used by the late king’s father, Howard, as a means of defense against the previously antagonistic kingdoms.

After King Anthony had taken the throne and negotiated trade and peace treaties with the nearby kings, the reinforcements had largely been forgotten.

Stephen had suggested it as an ideal place to study the cosmos above, and after some urging on your part, your father agreed to let the two of you repair the small space. When the foundation had been fixed to his specifications, Stephen added another enchantment to increase the size internally.

From there, the two of you worked to fill the space with objects of learning and interest.

The walls had been lined with stacks of books, maps of the universe, and healing runes. Tables had been set with with all sorts of alchemical experiments, glowing amulets, and charmed quills. A small greenhouse had been established on one of the many turret balconies, where you helped tend to some medicinal herbs and enchanted florals.

It was a place of peace and knowledge in a world of chaos and ignorance and in it, Stephen had taken the time to teach you the secrets of the universe. It was one of the few places you knew you truly could belong without judgement.

“I’m not convinced this isn’t sabotage,” he stated once you were alone, the glowing orange portal snapping shut behind him.

“What makes you say that?” you asked, lifting a book, flipping through a few pages in an attempt to distract yourself from his blunt words. You agreed there was some kind of malice involved in the attack, but sabotage suggested someone within the kingdom had betrayed your father. For such as honest and good your father was, your heart couldn’t handle such a reality.

“Whispers in the village,” he answered tersely. “Wanda was giving me her report when you approached. She is traveling to the next village over as we speak.”

“Rumlow betrayed his alliance,” you replied bitterly, refusing to look up from your book, though you couldn’t tell what the thing was about. Plants? Chaos magic? “What more is there to discover?”

“Why did he do it?” he asked. “What motivation does he have to sever one of the strongest military alliances in history?”

“Greed? We’ve had a surprise in economic activity since the scholar agreement with Wakanda,” you guessed with a shrug. “This isn’t a smart man we’re dealing with. I’m met him once before. He’s ambitious and motivated, but not particularly clever.”

“Peter is almost of age, your father has prepared him for his new role thoroughly,” he continued, pacing the space. “It doesn’t make sense. Everyone is well aware he will be of age to take the throne in six months time, and now this just ensures his placement.”

“Not everything does,” you reminded him. “You taught me that. Or don’t you remember?”

You paused after a moment, peeking up from the book after letting his words settle.

“Maybe he plans to use Peter’s inexperience against him?” you suggested quietly. It wasn’t a pleasant thought, but even with the training and learning, Peter was a different person than your father, perhaps not in morals but certainly in other areas like strategy and planning.

“I intend to get to the bottom of this,” he stated, his hand tightening at his side. You’d never seen Stephen so inflamed before. “At the very least, I can try to retrieve his body. Negotiate a dignified exchange.”

The words pierced your heart far more painfully than you’d anticipated, your hand gave a jerk and you dropped the book you’d been fidgeting with while he spoke.

The mental image of your fathers head on a pike outside of Rumlow’s keep was enough to make you nauseous.

“I’m sorry,” Stephen’s tone shifted at your reaction. “I’m getting ahead of myself.”

“Don’t apologize,” you assured him, clearing your throat and composing yourself. “You’re just doing your job. It’s why he trusted you to the position. You’re asking the questions that need to be asked.”

He watched you pluck the book off the ground and toss it on a nearby table with a low sigh. This was a precarious position he found himself in.

On the one hand, he’d been appointed as the Master Sorcerer of this castle and this realm. He had an obligation to serve that role and ensure the safety of the kingdom’s inhabitants. Not to mention, his obligation as a peacekeeper in his position as Sorcerer Supreme at Kamar-Taj.

On the other, you were his dearest friend and companion, and the obvious hurt you were suffering made his other duties nearly impossible to focus on. It was no wonder Kamar-Taj frowned on intimate attachments, they did provide a distraction from the ambivalent roles sorcerers and sorceresses were bound to play.

He wanted to serve as an unbiased judge in this troubling time, but his heart wanted him to seek justice and bring peace to your troubled mind.

His eyes drifted to the telescope at the edge of the room and an idea hit him.

Perhaps a distraction was best for the time being? A small respite to pull away from the doom and gloom of the immediate future.

“Do you remember that star cluster I showed you last week?” he asked, hooking and arm over your shoulder and guiding you toward the window. “There’s a fascinating change that’s been occurring.”

It was still relatively bright out, though with the sun was just starting to dip over the horizon, there was enough darkness to point out the phenomena he’d discovered the night before.

“Let me adjust-,” he tinkered with the measurements before signaling for you to lean in. “Do you see it?”

“They’re changing color,” you noted with a small gasp of excitement. “That’s a promising omen, isn’t it?”

Your expression had brightened considerably when you looked up at him.

“It is,” he nodded. “The specific colors suggest a period of tranquility and prosperity after a short struggle.”

“Then maybe it isn’t all terrible,” you tried voicing optimistically. It sounded strange, like you still weren’t entirely convinced, but the evidence was clear before you.

Stephen knew the stars never lied and had taught you as much over the time you’d spent together.

You sighed sadly, giving the stars another peek and shaking your head when you pulled away.

“I miss him,” you murmured, looking up at Stephen miserably.

The sorcerer frowned sympathetically, before he moved toward you and pulled you into a tight embrace.

You pressed your cheek against his chest and allowed his arms to wrap around you.

“I know,” he replied softly, resting his chin on your head. “Just know he loved you very much, and wouldn’t want to see you so hurt on his behalf."

That seemed to break something in you, and you buried your forehead into his chest, shaking with suppressed sobs and held back tears until finally you choked out a wave of emotions all at once.

He spent an hour sitting with you while you cried into his tunic, yelling about how angry you were to how miserable all of this made you feel. He listened, offering a handkerchief and when you started to calm down, summoned a fresh pot of herbal tea.

“We will find answers,” he stated, blowing gently over the steaming cup in his hand.

“You sound so sure,” you noted with a bitter chuckle, eyes swollen and red from your tears.

“I’ve tampered with seeing the future from time to time,” he replied cheekily. “Perhaps I’ve had a vision?”

“And what did that vision show you?” you pressed, playing along with a ghost of a smile behind your own cup.

“We win,” Stephen replied firmly, his expression falling serious.

“Doesn’t feel like it,” you confessed quietly.

“Victory seldom does,” he watched you take a sip of your tea. You closed your eyes and relaxed your shoulders with the calming scent.

You opened your mouth to ask him a question when a knock at the observatory door broke the small spell of peace that’d fallen over the space.

“I’ve got it,” he gestured for you to stay seated, moving toward the door and slowly peeling it open.

It wasn’t that he was overtly concerned for your safety, but given recent events, Stephen didn’t want to be lax in covering all possibilities. The world had gone mad and he wouldn’t put an assassin with a dagger outside the realm of potential visitors.

“Is the princess here?” Loki, Prince of Asgard, asked with a tone laced with annoyance upon Stephen’s appearance.

“Loki?” you must have heard his voice and stood, setting your cup aside. “Stephen, let him in. It’s okay.”

With a glare at the prince, Stephen stepped aside and allowed the emerald clad royal through.

He didn’t like outsiders in the observatory. Especially when you were around.

It made him especially uneasy inviting another magic user inside, where they could potentially measure its wards and security for later aggression.

“Peter mentioned you might be here,” Loki glanced around the room, arms folded behind his back. “I apologize if I’m intruding.”

That last part was directed toward Stephen with the smallest smirk.

“No, it’s okay, we were just having tea,” you replied quickly, gesturing to the steaming pot on the table. “Could I make you a cup-?”

“No-,” he cut her off and cleared his throat apologetically. “I’ve come to say farewell. My father is ordering the borders to Asgard closed until Rumlow’s nation offers an explanation to this… tragedy.”

“I see,” your expression fell at the news.

Certainly Asgard closing its borders was a worrisome sign. They were the kingdom’s greatest allies and largest trading partners. The effects of such a move would be felt for quite some time, both in security and in the local economy.

“I’ll write,” he promised with a curt bow. “Don’t fall behind in your studies. I’ll be testing you the next time we meet.”

You smiled before he took your hand for a brief kiss on the knuckles. Rolling your eyes, you pulled away and threw your arms around his shoulder in a hug.

“What a sad parting,” you laughed at his bewildered reaction. “And you’re going to kiss my knuckles like we haven’t known one another for years? On the day of my father’s funeral? Unacceptable.”

He barked out a small laugh, reciprocating the embrace with an arm before pulling away.

“Stay safe,” he urged her before looking up at Stephen with a steely gaze. “Do well to keep her protected, Sorcerer.”

“Always,” Stephen answered tersely, a little offended at the prince’s casual disregard for his abilities. He’d always kept you safe, and had absolutely no intention of letting that guard slip now.

“Travel safely,” you called after him and he gave a final wave before pausing in the doorway when Stephen moved to close the door.

“Keep her close,” Loki warned quietly, the smirk disappearing completely. “There are whispers in the village of treachery and assassination. Do not let anyone have the opportunity to take advantage of the situation.”

“My associates are building wards around the castle and her quarters as we speak,” Stephen replied in agreement, a quick glance in your direction to ensure you weren’t listening.

“The tea was a nice touch,” Loki noted with a hum. Stephen nodded curtly.

The tea had a protection enchantment included in the mixture of herbs. Something small, but effective if you found yourself in danger without him, Wong, or Wanda nearby.

“Be well,” Stephen closed the door once Loki was out of sight, turning and finding you digging through his trunk of cloaks at the back of the room. “What are you doing?”

“I want to see Natalia and James,” you answered, pulling out a large blue cloak and holding it to your shoulders.

“Absolutely not,” he crossed his arms. “Your father was just killed, possibly murdered. You’re not going to the village unprotected.”

“That’s why you’re coming,” you threw a crimson cloak in his direction, fastening the blue one over your shoulders.

“Did you miss the part where I said murdered?” he asked in disbelief.

“Then it’s a good think I’m friends with assassins,” you chimed back, pulling the hood of the cloak over your head. “They might be able to tell us something.”

“I’m sure Wanda and Wong have already talked to them,” he shot back, folding the cloak over is arm. “You should stay at the castle, at least for tonight.”

“You already know I’m going to go regardless,” you replied.

“Because you’re a headstrong idiot,” he sighed, reluctantly pulling the cloak over is shoulders. “Who clearly has a death wish. What if your family comes looking for you?”

“They won’t,” you answered with a confident grin. “Mother is going to be with Morgan and Peter is going to lock himself away in the armory or training fields until the knights give up and make him retire to his chambers.”

“You’re so confident in your knowledge of the castle,” Stephen snorted, tying the cloak around him.

“It’s what happens when you’re the eldest daughter of a king,” you replied, patting him on the shoulder. “You see everyone, but no one sees you.”

“Poetic.”

“Also, you owe me an ale for enchanting my tea,” you quirked a brow toward him when he stammered back a response. “Didn’t think I would notice?”

“I’m losing my touch,” he sighed, waving a hand and summoning a bag of coin.

“No, you’re just turning into a fussy mother hen,” you grinned, the smile looking far more relieving than the grief he know you wore on the inside. “It’s endearing.”

Wha danger was a short outing for the evening? It was arguably safer in a crowd than alone in her chambers, especially while Wong was still working on the wards.

Besides, the assassins you’d found friendship in would do well to keep threats away as well.

And while Stephen pondered this thought, you were already part-way out of the room and headed toward one of the hidden passages in the hall.

(---)

2 - a night at the pub

TAG LIST (MESSAGE ME IF YOU WANT TO BE ADDED)

@ayamenimthiriel @drstrangely-strange @ladynothing @im-a-bi-disaster-help

114 notes · View notes

vakta · 2 years

Text

a little update about what/how i am doing lately . . . .

to put it short: my therapist and my parents dont let me go to school or stay in my dorm so im staying at home for a few weeks (at least); should be recovering, but i dont rly have the motivation to do so, and my digestive issues make it even more difficult

to not put it short:

so im not allowed to go to school bc i badly relapsed. its not a recent thing, ive been slowly loosing weight since october, when after an actually really seriously-taken but still failed recovery attempt i kind of lost my hopes for full recovery. (i can still imagine it in the distant future tho... but to actually start doing it now.... ehh..)

one of the reasons bc of which i have failed is the pain which comes after eating a decent amount of food, a bigger meal, or even smaller amounts of foods that i avoided for a long time. i got fed up (lol) with this, and decided that i would pay attention to eat less to avoid being in pain afterwards.

not a great idea, my friends, not a great idea.

it works in the short term, but it only makes your stomach even more sensitive, and shortly you can barely eat without pain, your damn safe foods start becoming scary, and you just spiral spiral spiral deeper and deeper and deeper into this.

and yes, you loose weight but at what cost?? (i think this applies to any ed that results in weight loss tbh) the weightloss was one of the reasons my parents noticed that something is wrong with me again (or still, rather)

the other reason was the stress. i had become so so stressed bc of this, and not only this, bc school, oh my beloved, just cant fucking chill. what makes it even worse is that there are only 1 and a half years until university and i seriously need to make decisions in relation to my future, but i never find the time for this with the every other thing that is going on at the same time (looking at my biology teacher.. but also no, he actually cares about me i think; im just a perfectionist who takes everything personally, even if it is directed on those of my classmates who dont study shit and dont even care, and not me who literally learns every damn letter for his tests) also i have an upcoming chemistry exam in spring which i also didnt have the time to really start preparing for.

the dorm was just the cherry on top, with all those skinny girls, and the ones who could never not mention their diet or weightloss or even just be quiet during the 'silentium' (the compulsory study time in the dorm). my roommates were always having fun, noisily, happily, while i was sitting at my desk, barely keeping myself together, so so angry and so so SO jealous of them who could enjoy their time. which i didnt have. unerstandable though, they are attending different, less strict schools and/or are 2 years younger.

so living in that dorm and going to school was draining my time and even more my energy, my mental space, my sanity even, and i was spiraling, like badly.

im honestly so grateful for my parents for not letting me stay in that hell for any longer. i have been at home since last friday, and i honestly enjoy it a lot. i have much more time now, i can sleep enough and study without rushing. it is nice, i could even try solving a few chemistry exam sheets from the previous years and it actually went well!! im really glad :D

though ed-wise im not doing so good. the digestive issues are the biggest problem rn. being in pain for hours after a meal just discourages me from eating tbh.

my parents made some rules: i mustnt do any exercise, only a little yoga (less than an hour daily, just twice a week allowed to be an hour long), and i mustnt walk for longer than 30 mins. i think it goes without saying that i can easily break the time-related ones, but at least while doing so i know im not supposed to do that, and i stopped exercising which is progress in itself (not huge but hey). there arent any eating related rules. yet. i say this bc my mom always checks my weight in the mornings when shes still at home when i wake up, and she tells my dad, who will soon get really angry if i dont gain any. he is already angry for my complains about my stomach pain, he says he is never not in some kind of pain (he is 50) so really i should just get used to it. but my mom told me he had told her he thought i should see a doctor with this, so actually he does care about me a lot, he just cant communicate it. me coming home was his idea too. he cant stand seeing me destroying myself and he only wants the best for me, i know that.

i can only stay at home for 4 weeks (with this one) otherwise i have to repeat this grade. or decide to be homeschooled from now on. this wont be an easy decision.

all in all, ive been trying not to worry much in the past few days but soon its time to think about what i plan to do in the future. and i should do something about my stomach too, it cant keep going like this. so, a lot of things to do, but at least im in a calm, supportive environment now (my mom is the one who is always there for me and im super super thankful for her). idk what will happen, i hope things fall into place.

i dont rly expect anyone to read all of this, it was just nice to type it out, but if you did then congratulations now you know my current struggles more than anyone irl!!!! (okay maybe except for my mom, but still)

#vakta long posts

8 notes · View notes

physicalturian · 3 years

Text

[18+] Words of pleasure - Law x F!Reader - Part 5

[No spoilers] [Modern AU - College AU] [She/her pronouns used for the reader, no physical description; Everyone +18] Words : 6269 Archive of our own

Warning : Power play / Dom/sub Dynamics / Control / Stranger / Flirting / Aftercare / Awkwardness … If you feel like I should add more warnings, send me a dm or and ask

– Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4

You: Sup doc, got home safely?

[You sent an attachment]

I chuckled for a second, making myself laugh at the picture of the crazy scientist from Back to the Future I had sent. Then when I looked at it more than five seconds, I just regretted it. “I should have flirted. I should have asked him if he was free soon. But I did that. Wow.” Gathering my stuff, I was expecting him to be asleep but received an answer in no time.

Trafalgar Law 😷: I’ll admit it’s creative real first text. But don’t send me that shit again, I’m not an old man.

You: Hey, it’s hilarious. You mad because you asked me to call you doc and now you regret it.

Trafalgar Law 😷: I just hope you won’t see that in your head when you’ll think of me, it can easily become a turn off, I think.

You: Damn, what if I’m into older men?

Trafalgar Law 😷: Lucky for you I’m older, then. Why are you still awake?

Trafalgar Law 😷: You should sleep, it’s late and you seemed tensed the entire evening.

You: You’re worried about me? How cute, I thought you were just looking to dick me down.

You: But I’m going to sleep soon, don’t worry hot stuff, I was just showering before bed.

You: Who knows, maybe I’ll dream of you 😉

I read my message over, and over and as I saw him type and stop a few times I was quick to send another one.

You: Yeah, ignore that. I’m tired, I’m not pushy promised. But you should sleep too, beauty sleep and all.

Trafalgar Law 😷: Depending on the kind of dreams you’re having, I’ll gladly join you.

Trafalgar Law 😷: You’re cute. I’ll sleep in a few. I still have some things to do, I’ll be sure to send you a text in the morning to ask you what you dreamed of.

You: Right, bold of you to assume I remember my dream. And that I’d share them with you.

You: But please go to bed, it’s getting super late.

[Trafalgar Law 😷sent an attachment]

Trafalgar Law 😷: I’m in bed, don’t worry.

It was stupid, but I did laugh. He was sitting against his pillows, the simple black bed panel behind him. His hair was a lot messier than usual, but he did not look sleepy one bit. And he was still wearing his dress shirt, which clearly was in no way a pajama.

You: Funny. You’re a funny guy Trafalgar Law, wow. You’re lucky you’re hot

You: You’re still fully dressed, that’s not going to sleep to me.

Trafalgar Law 😷: If you want to see me naked so bad, you have to work for it.

Trafalgar Law 😷: I did say I’d enjoy you on your knees, it seems like a good place to start. But, all in due time, right?

Chuckling at his text, I bid him a good night without replying to his innuendo which was more than an innuendo, really. Hopefully, an unspoken promise of a goodtime. I left the bathroom feeling a bit funny inside and put the toy away before sitting back on the bed. I was wearing a large shirt so that I could show my legs if the HandSurgeon asked and sat with my legs crossed on the bed before typing.

Edelweiss: Back!

HandSurgeon: Your lap is pretty red; how does it feel?

Edelweiss: it’s alright, a bit sore but I like it, it reminds me of yeah… the discipline so yeah, it’s ok

HandSurgeon: Cute, you enjoyed it quite a lot. Maybe you could take more next time if you feel like it.

HandSurgeon: But it’d mean you’d have disobeyed, which you won’t do. Correct?

Edelweiss: yes, I won’t. Sorry…

HandSurgeon: It’s alright, doll.

HandSurgeon: Is there something you enjoyed more this session? Or did not at all?

Trying to remember the things he had said during the session, I was going to tell him that everything was good until I remembered that small thing he said, that I did not particularly enjoy. I didn’t know if he was going to tell me to just get on with it and try to enjoy it or anything but trusting he wouldn’t get mad I wrote down.

Edelweiss: I really enjoyed your voice… that’s for sure but I didn’t enjoy being called a bitch in heat?

Edelweiss: it was alright right now though, but I don’t know, I didn’t vibe.

Edelweiss: sorry if you’re more of a degrader than praiser

HandSurgeon: I am sorry, I am indeed more used to be a bit rougher with my partner. I’ll be more careful next time, don’t hesitate to tell me if you don’t like something I do.

HandSurgeon: This is an exchange, we’re both in to enjoy it and have fun. And while I usually degrade, I am very much enjoying telling you how good you are. Even more so seeing how well you react.

HandSurgeon: You did good telling me your color, very good.

HandSurgeon: I believe edging was not in your list, but how did you enjoy it?

Edelweiss: soooo frustrating! And embarrassing to beg alright? But in a good way I guess… a very good way

Pondering a bit more, I was curious. If we were giving feedbacks and asking questions, I could give it a go.

Edelweiss: were you annoyed? That I touched myself.

HandSurgeon: Yes. I was. If I had you next to me, I would have brought you to my bed. I would have had you kneeling in the center, with that egg still inside you. The had you stripped down naked and would have looked at you. If you had moved, I’d strike you down. Simple.

HandSurgeon: You’d be begging in no time, really.

Edelweiss: it does sound kinda interesting though

Edelweiss: I’d definitely be up to it if you’d enjoy it

HandSurgeon: I’m sure you’d take it like very well, adding a blindfold to the mix would be even better.

HandSurgeon: You wouldn’t know when I’d strike. Jumping on the bed at the littlest touch. Goosebumps all over that pretty body of yours.

HandSurgeon: Running the tip of my whip over your skin. Barely grazing it. Then gripping the back of your neck and sliding my fingers through your hair. Pulling your head back to see that needy face of yours.

I wanted to read more of him, see what else he’d do to me. I wanted to do something again. While my sex was sore, I could also feel the throbbing coming back and fuck was I ready to ask him if he had time to do it again. My body must have been moving on the screen, since I saw the new message from the dom.

HandSurgeon: Stop fidgeting. There won’t be another session tonight, doll. I have to finish working, and you…

HandSurgeon: Well, you need to eat something and drink some water. Go get some food. We can hang up if you want, or you can leave the camera on. I would not mind the little motivation of seeing my girl on the screen.

Edelweiss: I won’t stay long, I have classes tomorrow. Lemme grab some food, I’ll be right there!

Edelweiss: but admit it, you just want to make sure I eat and drink 👀

HandSurgeon: I do indeed. Now, go.

We then spent around 20 minutes on the call. I stayed with my camera on, still making sure he could not see my face, and ate up. He would reply a bit more slowly than during our session, since he was working, but when he did it was a lot lighter than usual. We talked of our lives, previous partners, preferences but it quickly turned to other topics. TV shows we enjoyed or had in common, hobbies, pets.

I learnt he liked to sketch, mostly people, he never did art school and never wanted to but loved the human anatomy. He said he found it fascinating. I felt flattered when he suggested we find some free time so that he could draw me. I told him I’d think about it, then we changed topics but kept off the more personal ones, such as family, school and city. The less we knew, the better. It was weird, getting to know him after I had let him do as he pleased with me. But doing so made it more interesting for some reason.

I did not feel anything much for the man, but I enjoyed his company a lot. I had no plan of meeting him at all, and if I ever found someone, I’d probably stop talking to him, which is something we both agreed on. This was just to get off, this was simply to both find that pleasure of having the power dynamic in play. It was interesting, and I never thought I’d be doing this but here I was, having hung up on a stranger I should call my dom. Here I was, exhausted after masturbating for him. Following each of his instruction.

Having had a taste of that side I had never ventured on, I realized I liked it a lot and I could see myself doing it more from time to time. Maybe not all the time, but in bed it was so intriguing.

I surprised myself as I laid under my covers, slowly drifting to sleep, when a thought crossed my mind, I wonder if Law would do that… I shook the thought away, but it came back just as strong, I was curious. He would look at me with the same look he gave me all night, intrigued and yet clearly expecting all those reactions of me. Knowing what he was doing, knowing the effect he had on me. Whatever I’d say, he wouldn’t be surprised, as if he could read me. He’d ask me those same questions he did that night, trying to get me riled up and I would let him. Would I imagine him as that man from online?

Would I secretly be hoping he would be that good? Would I let him do as he pleased with me? Was I even going to go on a date with him? This last question had an answer already, we both hardly had any free time. I don’t believe we had the same schedule either, it’d be too hard. But I’d entertain the idea, it was fun. I was slightly excited if it did happen, after all he was attractive. And I could use the kind of fun he was suggesting, considering all the stress we must both be under.

Turning in bed, I pulled my phone from under my pillow and texted Law.

You: You better be asleep old doc, because I am hitting the sac. And ignoring your last text at the same time.

Trafalgar Law 😷: Shall I take that as a “no”?

You: Definitely not, but I want to know if your personality is as hot as your face, first.

You: For scientific purposes

Trafalgar Law 😷: Luckily, I did pretty well in sciences. I’ll help with your research then.

You: That means I can call you partner? Pardner 🤠 in research of a fun time

Trafalgar Law 😷: Partner of fun, if you want. Pardner, no.

You: Dagnabbit, sad cowboy noise.

Trafalgar Law 😷: I think you need sleep, partner.

You: I definitely do, good night pardner. You should sleep too, you looked fucking tired tonight.

[Trafalgar Law 😷 sent an attachment]

You: it’s pitch black?

Trafalgar Law 😷: Because I’m trying to sleep, and you keep messaging me.

You: no one’s forcing you to answer 😏 but good night pardner

Trafalgar Law 😷: Good night

I did fall asleep soon after. It was a miracle I managed to keep the conversation that long considering how tired I was and yet I was able to exchange, albeit embarrassingly, with the hot guy. I did not know why I had sent him a message- who am I kidding I know why I did that. Not only was I in that post-orgasm daze but also, this little voice in my head kept considering him as a potential something.

That something was yet to be determined, booty call? Romantic partner? Sex friend? I did not know yet, the only way to find out was that date. And perhaps, if it went well enough, the after-date part. Which I was excited about, maybe more than the date part.

This time I did not dream of the HandSurgeon, I did however have a dream about Trafalgar Law. It was not as hot as the one I had the night before… But it was something…

In that dream, I had called him out of boredom while working on some stuff, and he had picked up mildly annoyed. But even though he was annoyed, he kept me on the line while making his way to his office and closed the door behind him.

Then the mood changed, the ambiance too, the lights got slightly darker and suddenly I found myself in his office. He was leaning on his desk, arms crossed across his chest and seemingly expectant. I saw myself approach him with determination, I was but a spectator to that whole scene. I stopped right in front of him and let him grab my hands before he pulled them behind his back and turned me around so that I was now the one against the desk.

The view changed and I could see him from up close now, he was looking down at me with a smug smile. I saw his lips moving but could not comprehend what he was saying. His tattooed hand travelled to my neck, gently brushing his thumb over it before grabbing my jaw gently. He spoke again and while I did not know what he said, I felt nervous, and slightly afraid.

I tried to ask him to repeat, and maybe I did but I could not hear myself. He leaned forward and let his other hand graze the skin under my shirt before whispering. “Edelweiss… my sweet and pretty toy. So good for me.” I let my head fall back in pleasure from his touches but the constant feeling of confusion and fear only grew. I tried to understand why I was feeling like that, among the joy I felt upon hearing his word. Then it clicked.

He doesn’t know about Edelweiss- he’s not that man, he shouldn’t know.

Now I’m in my bed. Looking at a screen, I can see someone on that screen, but I can’t see it really. Then I understand who it is, HandSurgeon, but this time it’s Trafalgar Law. “You want us to be the same.”

“You wish I was real, you’re so desperate for this to happen with me, with him, we’re the same to you, Edelweiss. You should think, wake up, realize that you’re making a mistake, wake up, we can’t be the same, wake up, you just want it so bad-“

“Wake up!” I was startled awake by Nami, who was looking at me angrily, already fully dressed. “Jesus, did last night tire you that bad?” How could she know what I had done last night? She wasn’t even home- Trying to come up with anything, I was too sleepy to be embarrassed, then she spoke and cleared my mind. “You know, if I had known socializing with Traffy would tired you that much, I would have brought him over a lot sooner. Maybe you’d finally catch some real sleep.” She explained as she kept her gaze on my, probably, sleep-marks adorned face.

Sighing, she pulled the covers off my form without a second thoughts when I was unresponsive to her words. “This time you have more than 5 minutes to get ready but move your ass or I’ll leave you there. Come on, hurry.” She stopped by the door and made a compassionate face, “By the way, don’t worry, he exhausts me too. It’s the smug face and the condescending attitude that just-“ she made a sounds with her tongue against her teeth, “it ticks me off, you know?” She was gone right after.

Looking at the doorway longer than I wanted to, I started drifting off to sleep when I was startled awake once more. My phone was ringing, and I was very much aware it was not my alarm. Stretching my arm to the bed table, I grabbed my phone and was surprised when I read the screen and saw it was Trafalgar Law. I picked up in confusion, “What do you want?” With the sleepiness and the confusion, my tone ended up being a bit more aggressive than I expected.

“How about you start with good morning?” I heard him chuckle, he was probably proud of that too. Rolling my eyes, I let my head fall back on the pillow and spoke again, “Good morning, do you need something?” I sighed and pulled my covers back on my form, hearing the blinker of his car in the background I guessed he was driving and was paying more attention to the road.

“Good morning, did I perhaps wake you up?” He asked rhetorically but I could hear the smile on his lips. All I did was hum in return, still waiting for the reason he called me. “I’m free this Thursday, how does it sound for those… research?” He seemed reticent saying it, probably rolling his eyes at how stupid it sounded. Laughing in my throat in return, it was not charming but the way he said it made it too funny for my dazed state. “Too shy to call it a date? I need to check my schedule; I don’t know if I’m free.” Thinking he’d hang up, I instead heard him talk to someone before talking to me again.

“Then go ahead and check, I’ll wait.” He unbuckled his seatbelt and rummaged through something while I checked on my phone, mumbling. “Can’t you let a girl sleep? Don’t you have a work to get to?” I opened the calendar but kept grumbling while doing so, “You’re lucky I’m not hanging up to go back to sleep.” While checking my schedule, I double checked if there was a time I could be free on Thursday and heard Law scoff.

He huffed a laugh, “I think you’d have hung up by now if you did not want to talk to me, I don’t think it’s luck, but interest.” Then a sigh as he got a bit more serious, “Just answer the question, I have to get going.”

Scoffing, I brought the phone back to my ear, “You’re just a pretty face for now, Doc. Don’t bet on interest just yet. Now, I’m free around 2 pm that day, if that’s cool with you. But add like half an hour or so, it gives me time to get back home.”

“Give me the address of your campus, I’ll come and get you there.” I heard the sound of the car door being slammed closed in the background, and the rustle of a bag. “I’m not about to refuse a car ride, it’s a bit odd but thank you!” I quickly sat up, suddenly feeling excited for my plans on Thursday. “Don’t expect me to be dressed all chic though, if I have classes in the morning, it’ll be comfortable and only slightly fashion.” I said lightly as I made my way to my wardrobe to start getting dressed for the day.

“Give me a moment.” I heard the phone being moved a bit, a few muffled voices greeting the man, footsteps echoing on the ground accompanied by the hubbub of phones ringing, beeping sounds and people talking. While waiting, I was able to get dressed and go back to my desk to prepare my stuff. After a few minutes, I finally heard him. “You were talking about your clothes, to be honest as long as it’s easy to remove, we’re good.” He said smoothly, I could hear the smirk, the smugness in his voice.

I simply looked at the phone with surprise and pleasantness. That was interesting to say the least, and I was enjoying it. “You’re not saying anything, I’m assuming you agree. Good, then I’ll see you on Thursday? Don’t be afraid to send me pictures if you’re curious about what clothes to wear, I’d gladly help you pick.” I had to stand my ground, he was too smooth. Too much, too flirty, too… familiar…?

“Just for that, I’ll wear the most intricate clothes I have. Make it worth your while, you know?” While his laugh was beautiful, it was also condescending. I kept having mixt feelings about the man. “Well, if I am in a hurry, know that I am very skilled with sharp tools, and I’d have no shame in tearing your pretty clothes apart.” The sound of the creaking chair in the background made me think he was probably leaning back on his chair. A quick thought crossed my mind, of going up to him and sitting on his lap and seeing what he’d do, but I shoved that thought away.

Instead, I huffed in response and threw my bag over my shoulder. I tried to come up with a witty reply, making lame sounds with my mouth, but I had no matching energy. Even less this early in the morning. “Alright, sure, you win. I was not going to wear anything intricate anyway, even I’m too lazy for that. Casual it is, so don’t go looking all professional on me, please. I’ll feel off.”

“Put it on my desk, I’ll be there in a few- it’s an important call, I’m sure he can wait five more minutes… He doesn’t have a choice, tell him to wait… Intern or not you can tell him to wait, how else do you expect to be taken seriously? … Well, tell him I am the one who said that, then, Tony... Right, now go- And close the door behind.” I felt bad eavesdropping like that, it wasn’t a conversation I was meant to hear but it did not seem like any important information had been shared either. Except the fact that he said this was an important call when it clearly was not. It sent pride to my chest.

Walking to the kitchen, I made a motion with my index to my lips to Robin and Nami when they started talking a bit too loud. I pointed at the phone, then wiggled my fingers before drawing an invisible circle on the back of my hand. I tried very hard to make them understand it was Law, but they seemed confused. Instead, I held my phone between my shoulder and my ear and spelled Law with both of my hands. This time they understood, I knew it from the huge grin on their face.

“We got interrupted, sorry about that. If you feel intimated by a professional look, I guess we’ll have to drop by my place before going on that date. Do tell me if you’d rather I keep the medical coat-“ Cutting him off, I needed to set things straight. “Hey, I never said that was my cup of tea, okay? And I’m not intimidated, I’m sure you’re rocking the look- “ I never sighed more loudly than at this very moment when Nami snatched the phone from my hand, and said, “Alright asshole, time’s up, you’ve had time to work your charm… no I’m not doing that”

Robin butted in next to the microphone and said, “She’s all flustered, Traffy, good work!” I went to grab it back from the ginger’s hands but the stepped back and exchanged a few words with Law before handing me my phone back with a bright smile. Bringing it back to my ear, I rushed back to the corridor to avoid them eavesdropping more than they did in the kitchen.

“Sorry about them- for your outfit, wear whatever you want. I truly have no say in what you’re going to wear, plus you’ll look hot with whatever you pick so, it’s a win-win.” I quickly said, earning a laugh from the man on the other side. “I’d love to see your face right now, Robin did say you were flustered. Guess we’ll have to wait until Thursday.” He hummed, his tone having some finality to it. I knew it was my cue to hang up.

“I wasn’t flustered, I- at best embarrassed- no wait that sounds worst doesn’t it? Anyway, see you on Thursday! Have fun at work, bye.” I waited until he bid me goodbye before hanging up. As I put my phone away, I leaned against the wall and sighed, letting my head hit the wall. “Are you okay?” Robin’s soft voice reached my ears, she was making her way towards me with a slight smile. Probably feeling a bit bad for going along Nami’s childish attitude only moments ago.

Humming, I gave her a nod. But the words that followed were not matching the actions. “He’s like, very hot. And I really want to fuck him, right? But he’s also pretty funny, and good at flirting?”

Squinting her eyes, Robin asked, “Is that a question… or?”

“No, no, it’s facts and it confuses me! I was ready to just, hook up, but he could be more- I don’t know maybe I’m desperate.” I simply shrugged, leaving a silence between the black-haired woman and me.

Looking up at her, she seemed to be thinking. Then she smiled, she was always the one with good advice but also a helpless romantic. “It’s a good thing isn’t it? You don’t need to worry too much, that date of yours will help you see if you’re really interested in him or not! If not, you’ll have great sex- if yes, you’ll still have great sex, and another date.” I groaned in reply, running a hand through my hair before giving her a short nod.

“Yeah, you’re right. I’ll just- live my life until then, I have other things to do than think of a man. By the way are you home tonight?” I asked her as we walked back to the kitchen where Nami was nowhere to be found, there was simply a piece of paper with the words ‘bring your ass to the car’.

Chuckling lightly, Robin shook her head. “I have to stay late at the library. Then Franky agreed to let me stay at his place, since it’s closer.” We talked a bit as we made our way to the door, where she wave me goodbye before closing the door gently behind me.

When I was back in the car, Nami had one of her earbuds on and was talking more gently than she’d usually talk to someone. Which means she was talking to Vivi. I did not interrupt and instead grabbed my phone and saw a message from HandSurgeon.

HandSurgeon: Are you feeling better? Don’t forget to stay hydrated, I’ll be a bit busy this week, but I can find time if you’d like.

Edelweiss: shit, just saw your message! Sorry, crazy morning. I am definitely sore, but it’s good, I can move so there’s that!

Edelweiss: Also, I might be a bit away from Wednesday to Friday, I am seeing someone and knowing how our session leave me pretty sore, I’d rather you know…

Edelweiss: be in good shape

Edelweiss: for a good fun

Edelweiss: a good fuck

This time, I did not have a prompt reply. I put my phone away and it’s only halfway through my day, while I was working on something at the library, that I received a reply from him. I’ll admit, I had been expectant the entire morning for an answer. I had been deep in textbooks for so long, I was craving for any sort of interaction, from anyone. Which explained the speed at which I unlocked my phone to see the text from HandSurgeon, and even one from Trafalgar Law.

I hesitate for a moment, then opened discord.

HandSurgeon: It’s fine, you are allowed to have a life you know. Simply tell me if you want to stop this, or not, you know… if your someone is not the one and you still need a good fuck.

HandSurgeon: I will also be busy on Thursday, I’ll try to send you a text if I get some free time.

HandSurgeon: I just finished a long meeting, would you be up for a fun game?

I stared at his messages, feeling a bit excited suddenly. But knowing myself, I would say yes, so I had to answer to Law first before spending my time sexting the stranger.

Trafalgar Law 😷: I’m sorry we had to cut our conversation short, how was class? I have a bit of free time, if you’d like to talk about our research meeting.

You: That’s actually pretty cute, thought you were just a horny piece of meat but damn, you surprise me.

You: I am still on campus, drowning in work. I’d love to talk, but I need to focus, text me later? 🤠

Going back on discord, I felt strange. I wanted to say yes, to play his game, but it felt wrong for some reason. I was double texting and it felt like I was cheating on a man I was not even dating. I ignored the thought and typed back.

Edelweiss: I kinda wanna know, but also really need to get back to work. So, I’ll have to decline.

Edelweiss: But I’m curious, what was the game?

HandSurgeon: It’s quite alright, I was going to suggest you’d take a pretty picture for me no matter who was around. But you are busy, so I’ll leave you be. Focus on your work. I’ll talk to you later.

HandSurgeon: But for ‘emotional support’, I’ll give you this:

HandSurgeon : [sent an attachment]

I snorted at his words, and smiled when he sent me a picture of his gloved hand gripping the wheel of his car tightly. I did comment on wearing gloves while driving, even though they were not medical gloves and it had some charm, it was very movie-like. And suspicious.

After that, I put my phone down and got lost in work. I did not even see time fly by, what informed me that it was indeed a few hours later than I thought, was the grumbling of my stomach. “I think it’s time to call it a day.” I mumbled while packing everything up. With the books put back where they belonged and my laptop tucked away, I made my way outside and was walking through the parking lot when I saw a familiar mop of hair making its way towards me.

I suddenly felt self-conscious and straightened my back before meeting his gaze and frowning in confusion. “Are you stalking me?” I patted my pockets in emphasis, before saying “Did you put a chip somewhere, or-“ Law shook his head as if I was being crazy. “Bro, it’s super super sus that you’re at my campus when I never gave you the address-“

“I asked Robin. I was going to ask Nami but she wouldn’t have given me anything.” He explained as if it was obvious.

Looking around, I opened my mouth and closes it a few times. It was a bit awkward. “Why are you here, then?” I asked, still confused, my eyes squint in suspicion.

“Right- give me a moment.” He turned around and took a few long strides to get to his car and get something from the passenger seat before coming back. Even though his steps were hurried, there was still this elegance to it that I could not ignore.

“I am very familiar with long hours of studying, so here’s a drink and some food. I used to skip meals, because I’d get too much into it. Don’t do that, eat.” While what he said seemed caring, he was not smiling or anything. But the gesture was so sweet I couldn’t help but smile.

“It’s very nice of you,” I said, tucking my hair behind my ear jokingly in faux-shyness before going back to a normal demeanor. “But I was going home. I was done for the day, here,” I handed it back to him before trying to find my wallet in my bag. “Let me, just- how much do I owe you?”

He stopped me from rummaging through my back and ruffled my hair before handing me the drink and food back. “Nothing, I was passing by. Now I am sure to not get lost when I’ll come and get you on Thursday.” He winked, then looked back at his watch a moment. He seemed to ponder something for a moment, before looking up at me. “Would you like me to drop you off at your house? I have a bit of time before going back to work.” He asked kindly, showing me his keys as if trying to coo me.

“Maybe you should go eat too? I’ll take the bus, it’s alright.” Smiling, the man pointed at his car with a certain pride. “Oh don’t worry, I got myself something too. It could be our first lunch date, you are so bent on traditions, so why not lunch?”

I felt my cheeks heat up and pushed him playfully, careful not to spill the drink I had in my hand. “I’m not bent on traditions, I just barely know you, doc.” I looked to the side and shrugged before walking past him, “Let’s get lunch.” I said over my shoulder. I heard the man laugh in the back, then the jingle of keys.

I tried to open the door but found it locked. I stated the obvious, “I can’t get in if it’s locked.” I was about to complain more, when he leaned over his side of the car and grinned. “Ask politely, and I’ll let you in.” I hated him, but the smile on my face was a betrayal of how I really felt. He was a little shit, but it was still fun. Rolling my eyes, I mimicked his action and rested my arms on the roof of the car, “Could you please unlock the car, doc?” “Good girl, was it that hard?”

I turned my head towards him so fast I may have pulled a muscle in my neck, but the way he said it made it a lot more than just a nickname. He was testing the waters for something, and I had given him the exact reaction he wanted. “What, do I call you daddy now?” I said sarcastically while getting inside the car and buckling my seatbelt while he held everything before placing them back on my lap.

“Not my thing, but I’m sure we’ll get to that conversation later.” He smirked as he put something in the glove box before closing it back and meeting my intense gaze as he leaned back on his seat. I was observing each and everyone of his action, feeling out of place in his car. I had met the man last night, but for some reason he felt familiar. Perhaps it was his aura, perhaps he was just that reassuring. No, clearly not, he looks threatening… “Something on your mind? I don’t know if you’re looking at me like you want kill me or fuck me,” Extending his hand towards me, he placed his index under my chin and lifted it, I quickly grabbed his hand like last time to stop him.

“Maybe both, maybe none-“ With a short smile, he interrupted me, “Don’t be like that, I’ll ask differently. Are you uncomfortable? I haven’t done this in a while, so I’m trying to take it slow…ish.” He admitted. I could see on his face he was feeling just as sheepish as I was. Clasping my hands on my lap I chuckled nervously, “I’m good, I was just…. Observing. You’re doing good, simply put…” I trailed off and met his gaze with a playful grin, “Ye’re a looker pardner,” I then tipped my non-existent hat, which made him laugh genuinely.

“You were just in awe?” He asked a bit surprised, hiding his bashfulness behind a laugh. “Exactly, take the compliment and don’t mention it again. Now drive, or you’ll get back late at work.” I huffed, looking at the window with warm cheeks. I felt a pull at my hand and looked at it confused, “I’d love to, but you’re still holding my hand.” I quickly let go and threw his hand back at him, “It was to make sure you weren’t going to do the whole,” Making a gesture with my hands in the air, wiggling my fingers, I continued, “Chin thing again.”

Even though he agreed, only giving me a curt nod along with a “Right.”, I could see the smile on his face as he started the car. Looking at him from the corner of my eyes, I matched his smile discretely as I looked back at the road.

The volume of the music wasn’t loud, I could hear the fabric of his coat as he maneuvered, the blinkers, my own nervous heartbeat. There was no reason for me to feel so nervous, we were just going to eat lunch then go our separate way. To try to calm down, I rummaged through my brain for topics to talk about, small talks was fun in social events but in one on one, it was a fucking disaster.

Do you have any pets? Do you like cats? Maybe talk about his job? How long did he study? Or funny topics, less social, more creative? Politics is off the table, it’s not that great of a first date conversation. What’s your favourite colour? What part of your body to your prefer-

I blurted out a question to try to fill the silence. And fuck did I regret it, I shouldn’t be allowed to speak when in that state, but it was too late. “So… what’s your favourite body part?” Wait, no, fuck, not…

[Part 6]

#trafalgar one piece #trafalgardwaterlaw #trafalgar law #one piece trafalgar law #trafalgar law x reader #one piece x reader #physicalturian #words of pleasure #wop #fanfiction #one piece #law one piece #law x reader #ao3 #ao3 writer #physicalturian AO3 #writing #writings

108 notes · View notes

melanielocke · 3 years

Text

Lost in the Shadows - Chapter 25

AO3

Taglist: @nott-the-best @foxglove-airmid @alastair-esfandiyar-carstairs1 @justanormaldemon @styxdrawings @ipromiseiwillwrite @a-dream-dirty-and-bruised@alastair-appreciation-month

Previous Chapter: Chapter 24

Next Chapter: Chapter 26

Uncle Jem had brought several of the Carstairs family’s old notebooks, and the past week they’d spend studying them to see if there was anything interesting. They’d rescued Grace, but no one had been able to find Tatiana since, nor did they know what they were up against exactly and if they could defeat it. Cordelia believed cortana could kill it, but walking in with no plan would just get them all killed.

Thomas felt like they were running out of time. He hadn’t told anyone yet, but he felt tired lately, much more than usual. For Alastair that was normal, he guessed, Alastair was always tired and therefore Thomas had no reason to complain. Still, it was odd and sudden. Then he’d gotten a bit of a headache, and right now he struggled to finish his lunch, which was already much smaller than what he usually ate. He’d eaten much less than he usually did the past days, truth to be told. He just didn’t have the same appetite. He was feeling a little chilly too, but guessed he should just put on a cardigan.

‘Are you alright, Tommy?’ his mother asked. ‘You’ve been eating so little lately.’

‘Just nervous, that’s all,’ Thomas said.

The thing was, Thomas didn’t usually eat less when he was nervous. If anything he ate more, he’d always been a stress eater. Instead he figured he was coming down with something. Someone else might just have said, ‘I think I’m getting sick, I’m going to rest a bit’, but after a childhood of frequent illness and worrying parents Thomas couldn’t get the words over his lips. He’d make sure to rest a bit more, he told himself. But he didn’t want to worry anymore, and he especially didn’t want his parents to start taking care of him like they used to when he was young.

Instead, he returned his attention to Alastair, who had long finished eating and gone outside to read. A ray of sunlight fell on his cheek, illuminating his warm golden brown skin. His eyes were fixated in a journal so old it looked like it might fall apart any moment. Not in Alastair’s careful hands though. He was holding the journal with meticulous care, so no damage would come to it. With his free hand, he pushed a lock of hair behind his ear, but it was not yet long enough to stay there so it fell back in front of his face. Back in school, Alastair would slick his hair back with hair gel, always perfectly in order, not a hair out of place. Thomas, who usually took a comb through his hair and left it at that, had wondered where he found the time. Now it was falling in soft wavy locks over his face. At school Thomas would never have guessed Alastair’s hair was wavy, but it was loose now and Thomas had grown to love gently running his fingers through it. He’d always loved Alastair’s dark hair, he thought. Alastair had shown him a picture from when he’d dyed it blonde, and although that looked alright, Thomas thought his dark hair was much more beautiful.

‘Anything interesting?’ Thomas asked, sitting down on the bench next to Alastair.

A gnome came up to his feet. Thomas and his mother had been feeding them to gain their trust, and not long since the gnomes had learnt that Thomas meant a chance for food. He guessed there were still plenty of cookies he didn’t feel like eating at the moment anyway, but he also wasn’t motivated to go into the kitchen and get anything. Thomas guessed resisting that adorable smile was good practice for when he got pets.

‘Nothing yet,’ Alastair said. ‘But I think I’m getting to the part that described that witch. It might give us some clues about what else Lucie can do.’

‘Have you discussed with Cordelia where you’ll live after the summer?’ Thomas asked.

Alastair had confided in him that even if his mother managed to get back the house and could go and live there, he was considering moving in with uncle Jem for the time being. His father’s house held too many bad memories, and Thomas could understand it would not be good for his recovery to live there again. Alastair had not yet made a decision, but Thomas thought it might be good for him.

‘She has not yet decided what she’ll do,’ Alastair said. ‘She is a bit young to live without her mother after all. Besides, with our mother pregnant it would be better to have someone with her. If she doesn’t get the house back, I presume she would stay with Risa and with me gone there might be enough space for Cordelia as well. But I’m almost nineteen, I figured it might be time to move out. Even if I’m moving in with another relative instead of getting my own place.’

‘That’s just practical, living on your own would be expensive. Besides, Jem won’t be another parent, will he? So you’ll still get to practice your adulting skills in a relatively safe environment. Does Jem live far away from your mother?’

‘Completely different part of London, but still in the city,’ Alastair said. ‘Easy to travel to university from there. It’s a big house, so I’ll really have my own space and get to take care of myself, with Jem still there in case I can’t. I’ve lived there until I was about six. When I was still happy, there are no bad memories tied up to that place. I thought maybe I could be happy again there.’

‘Where does Jem live exactly?’ Thomas asked.

Alastair gently put the notebook away, closing it carefully and putting it down in his lap. He took his phone out of the pocket of his jeans, showing him a screen of google maps with a marker where Jem lived.

‘Oh, that’s not far from where my parents live,’ Thomas said. ‘Only a few stops with the metro. We live close to the station.’

‘I didn’t realize. Well, that’s convenient. Makes it easy to have sleep overs or go out together if we don’t live too far away.’

‘Precisely,’ Thomas said. ‘Would you like to go for a walk when you’re finished here? A short one, I am a little tired. But I’d like some fresh air.’

Alastair carefully bound up his notebook and put it on the table inside with the others, before coming with him.

‘It’s safer to bring Lucie,’ Alastair said. ‘In case we get trapped in between again.’

Alastair had a point, although Thomas would like some time alone with him. He was so busy at work all the time, ever since Jem had arrived he was preoccupied with the journals. Thomas missed their walks.

‘Alright, we’ll walk to uncle Will and aunt Tessa and ask her and Cordelia to come. I’m curious if uncle Gabriel and aunt Cecily are coming this way too. Jem said they were struggling to find a babysitter.’

‘Right, for little Alexander,’ Alastair said.

‘And Christopher,’ Thomas added. ‘My other cousin. He’s almost seven now.’

‘What’s he like?’ Alastair asked.

‘Different from Alexander, that’s for sure,’ Thomas said. ‘Alexander is a menace. Sweet, but fierce and hyperactive and if you don’t watch him for two seconds he’s swinging from the curtains somewhere. Christopher… he’s not as wild. He’s curious and is obsessed with science. He likes to do simple experiments, and we sometimes have to keep him from setting things on fire. I’m not sure he realizes “Don’t try this at home” applies to him as well. Fortunately, putting on a science show on tv usually keeps him from blowing anything up. Usually, my sisters and I babysit them when necessary, but he also adores uncle Henry, who is an inventor.’

It occurred to Thomas that Henry was Charles’ father. Sometimes children did not resemble their parents, he guessed. It had been a bit of a shock for everyone to learn that Charles had been Alastair’s former lover. Even if not everyone knew how awful he’d been to Alastair, they all had pieced together how much older Charles was. His father most of all had been horrified, since he’d known Charles since he was a baby. Thomas suspected he’d go confront Charles himself if Alastair hadn’t asked him not to. He knew Alastair was still ashamed of his past relationship and was still trying to make sense of it all. Thomas was glad he’d found trust in him and his parents, even if Thomas suspected Alastair still kept the worst of it to himself. Who could blame him? He wasn’t sure if Alastair finally believed his parents cared about him now, but at least he seemed to trust them which was a big step for Alastair. His mother had told him about her past and how she’d gotten her scar in an attempt to let him know he could talk about it and she understood.

‘As a child I had a phase where I liked science too,’ Alastair said. ‘I think I often had phases like that with different interests. When Cordelia and I were very young, we both loved architecture and played with all sorts of building toys and legos together. I also really liked math for a while. Then the animals from the forests in Devon. I lived there for a while in a small village. I think that’s when I grew a bit obsessed with hedgehogs.’

‘Christopher has been obsessed with science for some time now,’ Thomas said. ‘But we’ll see how it goes and what he’ll like in the future. He’s being assessed for autism and ADHD. He’s a sweet kid, but he struggles socially. Not a lot of friends unfortunately. I honestly think he prefers my company over his peers.’

‘I know what that’s like,’ Alastair said. ‘To be the child with the weird interests and never fit in with other children.’

‘You lived in Devon for a while. What was it like there?’

‘The scenery was amazing. The forests there are beautiful. The people… not so much, I prefer London.’

‘I lived in the countryside for a couple of years too when I was little, for my health. I think where I lived the people were nicer, more involved than in the city.’

Alastair made a face. ‘Not when you’re foreign and your mother wears a roosari. The people in Devon are mostly white. I don’t think Father really considered that when he moved us there, it was mostly about him. They might be kind if you’re part of their group, but they’re hostile to outsiders. Fortunately, we moved back after a couple of years.’

‘Ah, of course,’ Thomas said. ‘I’m sorry.’ He felt stupid for not considering that earlier.

‘Well, people are racist everywhere. But at least in London there are more people of color and people are at least used to the idea that not everyone’s white.’ My mother still gets dirty stares and comments for her roosari, but she’s not the only one who covers her hair. So while in Devon, I much preferred to spend my time in the woods looking for hedgehogs than with other people. I guess I still do.’

Thomas felt a bit numb in his head, shivering even if it wasn’t cold at all. Perhaps going for a walk wasn’t the best idea, but he wanted to spend some time outside just the same. He should have brought something warm to wear, was all. He wasn’t really sick, it was just not as warm as he’d expected. But Alastair wasn’t shivering at all, he seemed to enjoy the sun on his skin. Thomas did too but it didn’t bring him any warmth.

‘You need to go back for a cardigan?’ Alastair asked. ‘There are goosebumps all over your arms.’

‘Oh. No, I’ll be fine.’

Thomas felt faint in the head and by the time they made it to the Herondale’s house, his vision became a little blurry and he collapsed against the door. He was awfully nauseous yet didn’t feel like he was going to throw up. Alastair noticed his sudden movement and his reflexes were quick. He tried to catch him.

‘Why are you so goddamn heavy, Tom,’ he groaned, trying and failing to stop both of them from crashing into the door.

Leaning against Alastair and the door, Thomas pushed himself upright again, blinking a couple of times until he felt he could stand on his own feet again. Alastair’s soft fingers went from his cheek to his forehead, and Thomas immediately recognized what he was doing. It was the same thing his parents and sisters had done his entire childhood. If they didn’t have a thermometer at hand, they’d feel his forehead, his neck, and determine if he was allowed to go anywhere. Alastair was going to determine he was sick and then all that was left was for everyone to tuck him into bed and start taking care of him. Thomas had hoped to avoid that.

‘You’re burning up,’ Alastair said. ‘You should not be going outside, much less for a walk. Come, we’re here anyway, I’m sure you could use the couch.’

Alastair led him inside, one arm around his waist and the other in his hand, and packed him in blankets on the couch, fetching a thermometer and some paracetamol.

‘Alastair,’ Thomas said, trying to piece together words through the headache and light headedness.

‘Just let me get this,’ Alastair said, pushing the thermometer into Thomas’ ear.

‘Alastair,’ Thomas repeated.

’38,6,’ Alastair said. ‘Tom, you have a serious fever. Why didn’t you say anything? I’ll make you some tea, just relax.’

‘Alastair!’ Thomas yelled, startling the boy.

‘What’s wrong?’

‘Please don’t. I can make my own tea, I can take my own temperature,’ Thomas said, trying to calm his breath. ‘I hate it when people take care of me. I told you about my sickness as a child. I don’t want things to be like that again, I don’t want to be taken care of. So please, don’t. Just let me do it.’

Alastair sat down next to him. ‘You were about to walk into the woods with a fever. I’ve seen how stubborn you are.’

‘Yes. I am stubborn. I didn’t realize it would be so bad. But please, let me make these mistakes by myself. I don’t want to be treated like a sick child again.’ Thomas paused, blinking away the tears in his eyes. He didn’t realize this would make him so emotional. ‘I always loved that about you, how you believed I could take anything. How you didn’t treat me as if I was fragile because I was small and used to get sick.’

Alastair sighed. ‘I was an ass to you, Tom. It had nothing to do with respect, or thinking you’re strong.’

‘I know, and it did hurt sometimes. But I loved that you believed I could take it. I knew you didn’t mean any of the things you said, and with me, it was always a bit more light hearted, teasing perhaps.

But you never forced me to go to bed and rest when I did not want it. Matthew grew up around me being sick all the time, and I think he learnt from a young age that I was fragile and to be taken care of. James too. But I never wanted that. I’ll rest, I promise. But I’ll make my own tea, alright?’

‘I’m sorry, Tom. You can make your own tea. Make some for me as well?’

Alastair settled onto the couch while Thomas went into the kitchen to put on the kettle, still wrapped in a blanket. He was too cold to go without it. While waiting for the kettle to boil, Thomas realized Alastair did have a point, he could barely stand upright. Still, he was determined to at least do this. If he wanted anything later, he could always ask Alastair. He picked out a selection of tea bags for Alastair and put in a herbal teabag for his own. Thomas didn’t believe herbal tea cured sickness, but it was worth a shot.

He settled back on the couch, wrapped the blankets back around himself and took two paracetamol, hoping that would at least lower the fever.

‘I really can’t believe you think of my being rude to you as something positive,’ Alastair said. ‘I made fun of your height all the time.’

Thomas shrugged from underneath the blanket. ‘I never minded when you called me pipsqueak or wee little Thomas, or, I don’t know, you had plenty to say.’

Alastair raised an eyebrow. ‘You certainly took your revenge.’

Thomas tried to find a comfortable position on the couch, blankets around him. Alastair did have a point with the paracetamol, and Thomas took two. Hopefully they’d lower his fever.

‘Perhaps I’ll start calling you pipsqueak,’ Thomas said. ‘The name suits you much better now.’

Alastair made an undignified sound. ‘I’m not that short.’

‘You’re plenty shorter than me,’ Thomas said. ‘I always kind of liked it, pipsqueak. It sounded sweet even if you meant it to be hurtful. Sometimes I feel like you never really did a good job at being mean anyway.’

‘I never wanted to hurt anyone,’ Alastair said, ‘and I did have a bit of a weak spot for you then. I can be even worse than what you’ve seen, but I save that for bigots.’

Thomas put his hand on Alastair’s cheek. ‘I always thought you were holding back on being mean, even if you could still be quite vicious. But pipsqueak is mine now.’

Alastair looked mortified. ‘I guess I can’t stop you, can I?’

Thomas lay down on the couch, head on a pillow. Why were all these blankets so small? His feet were still cold and he’d have to find a solution for that. Really, blankets should be made for tall people. Nobody short would complain about having a bit of leftover blanket.

‘It’s concerning, that you’re getting sick after all these years,’ Alastair said softly.

‘It’s nothing,’ Thomas said. ‘Everyone gets a fever every once in a while.’

‘I haven’t had a fever in years. Colds, at times, but rarely a fever,’ Alastair said.

‘You don’t get the flu?’ Thomas asked.

‘Not that I remember,’ Alastair said. ‘But I figured that’s just the age, as a child I would get the occasional fever like all children do, and I imagine I’ll get them again when I’m older.’

Thomas had gotten the flu a couple of time over the past years. Never anything serious or with abnormal frequency, but it had sent the entire family into a panic whenever it happened.

‘Please don’t tell my parents,’ Thomas said. ‘That I’m sick, I mean.’

‘How did you plan to keep it from them?’ Alastair asked.

‘Well, I was hoping I’d be better by the next morning,’ Thomas said. ‘I could sleep over here and then when I’m better pretend nothing happened.’

Alastair was skeptical. ‘I really don’t think you’ll feel better that soon, even if it is a normal flu.’

Lucie and Cordelia entered the room through the garden door, Cordelia turning her sword back into the familiar necklace. ‘Those are a lot of blankets,’ Lucie pointed out. She was right, and Thomas moved them around a bit so at least the biggest blanket would cover his feet, reaching up to his waist.

‘We wanted to revisit the ruins,’ Cordelia said. ‘See if there’s anything else that can give us information on Tatiana or the thief of souls. I was wondering if you would be coming.’

‘Thomas is sick,’ Alastair said.

‘Don’t stay behind on my behalf,’ Thomas said.

Alastair frowned. ‘You sure? I would gladly stay here with you.’

‘I think I’m going to get some sleep anyway,’ Thomas said. ‘Please don’t trouble yourself on my behalf. Go, I’ll still be here when you get back.’

‘Get well soon,’ Lucie said, putting her arms around him briefly. ‘You know how the tv works in case you want to watch a movie.’

‘I’ll be alright, Lu. Good luck with your mission.’

Thomas wanted to believe he had just caught the flu. Bad luck, nothing more. But perhaps that wasn’t the case. Perhaps he wouldn’t get better. Perhaps this meant they were running out of time.

#Thomas Lightwood #Alastair Carstairs #Lucie Herondale #Cordelia Carstairs #Thomastair #Lucelia #fanfiction #the last hours #tlh

20 notes · View notes

beneathashadytree · 3 years

Note

May I please request Lucien from MLQC, comforting his beloved who hasn't yet learned to love herself? He loves her dearly and is infinitely patient with her, and won't ever stop loving her because he truly wants her to believe in herself and accept that she is worthy of being loved. Any genre is okay. Thank you so much!!! ❤️ I am infinitely patient and love your writing, so please take your time and no need to rush my dear. :)

EVERY INCH IS LOVED - LUCIEN XU X READER

Warnings : lots of talk about insecurities (body image issues, acne, intelligence), self-worth issues, implied depressive episodes, I think maybe one curse word? reader is gender-neutral!

Genre : hurt/comfort (my heart ached writing this)

Word count : 3.3K (I got carried away sfsgjssj)

Additional notes : I am so, very, really, terribly sorry this is so late! I hadn't received the notification for this, and by the time I checked my email over a month had already passed. I tend to write the reader as gender-neutral, but if you'd like me to change that to a reader using she/her pronouns, I have no qualms doing that! I did my best making this longer than usual as some sort of compensation for the long wait, and I hope you enjoy it. And remember, you deserve all the love there is in the world, and your insecurities are certainly things people who care for you find endearing about you.

Synopsis : Putting up a care-free front was hard enough as it is, but pretending you don't have raging insecurities when you're married to the ever-perceptive Lucien Xu was a plan set to fail from the start.

Requests : Are open! Check the rules over here.

Want to support me financially? Here’s my CashApp!

Masterlist

For a man like Lucien Xu, nothing he did was ever as simple as it seemed. The concept of being so multi-faceted applied itself to all aspects of his life; his research never targeted just one scientific area or one single hypothesis, his words of advice were never suited for just one situation, and his actions were never quite what they seemed and never had one clear motive. This enigma that he was shrouded in and infinite slyness also slipped through in his love life, as was to be apparent to me further down the line, seeing as half of his softly spoken words and carefully done actions had hidden messages.

Lucien's method of approach was oh-so-subtle that even I, in such close proximity to him, didn't notice for months. It was in the simplest things he did that just slipped past me---but come to think of it now, he was awfully sweet not being blunt about it.

***

"Where are you off to now, sweetheart?" his voice was gentle so as not to startle me, but somehow I still jumped with my hand halfway on the doorknob, as if I subconsciously felt guilty for what I was about to do.

Sheepishly smiling, I gave him an honest reply, "Just wanted to buy some groceries. We're seriously lacking fruits and veggies in our fridge."

What I'd certainly expected was a surprised look to be etched onto his face, considering that I'd never considered myself the most avid health-nut. Hell, I never thought too hard about what I stomached because of how hectic my schedule had always been; most of the time I was eating just as a source of nutrition and almost never out of enjoyment of the meal itself.

However, a recent acne break-out had had me tugging at my hair in frustration, and it didn't take a genius to figure out that one of the most probable reasons behind it was the fact that I often indulged in late night snacks when both Lucien and I were engrossed in our work. As the spots increased in both size and number, no doubt egged on by stress, I increasingly felt like I wanted to crawl out of my own skin, and since that certainly wasn't possible, what I could do was cut down on the sweet vices and resort to healthier (albeit far less enjoyable) snacks.

But for some odd reason, my husband paid me no mind.

Lucien turned back to his morning paper, not giving much thought into his words as he offered, "I'll come with, we're all out of your favorite chocolate and my white tea anyways."

"I don't think that's a good idea," I began to nervously pick at my skin, unaware of what I was doing, watching as Lucien still set down his glasses and the folded newspaper on the coffee table, making his way towards me, "It's not good for my skin---"

"Nonsense," he briskly brushed my interjection off, slipping on his shoes, "All's good in moderation. What isn't good is to ban yourself from occasionally indulging in the things you like," turning to me as he opened the door, he gave me that gentle smile of his that had his eyes turning into crescent moons, "Shall we? Any later and we'll end up stuck in morning traffic."

There wasn't a hint of aggression in his words nor his voice, and yet somehow they were spoken with finality that had me sighing helplessly and following after him.

***

Days came and went, and I was still yet to pick up on his slyness, even when I was forced to go on an impromptu shopping trip for Anna's vow renewal over the weekend (which had, rather expectedly, gone completely over my head) and he'd invited himself to come along with me since it was his day off anyways.

He kept himself entertained with picking clothes while I took the liberty of trying them on, but the current predicament I was facing in the almost claustrophobia-inducing fitting room was that nothing seemed to look right anymore.

Perhaps the fact that I'd been cooped up at home and the office working for hours on end without being able to squeeze in any exercise in between was to blame? Or maybe it was because of me resorting to junk food when I was too tired to whip something up in the kitchen and Lucien was stuck at the research center until godly hours? Well, for whatever reason it was, I was rather put off by the way all the blouses I would've normally fawned over were too snugly fit around me.

Turning around to inspect every inch of every top I picked, I frowned deeper as I grew more and more disheartened, the frustration I was feeling causing me to huff as the more I stared the more my size bothered me; like an itch that just wouldn't go away.

"Sweetheart?" I could hear his inquisitive voice from the other side of the door separating us, "Is something wrong?"

"Nothing much," I grumbled, my voice coming out a bit muffled as I slipped out of a particularly pretty chiffon blouse in my favorite color, wistfully staring at it as I hooked it once again to the hanger, "Just nothing looks good on me right now, so I'm kinda put off, you know?"

As I opened the door, I found him standing right in front of me, "No, I really don't know, I don't think there's a single outfit you wouldn't pull off amazingly," despite how honeyed his words might've seemed, there wasn't a hint of flirtation hidden in them; his tone was as deadpan as though he were stating a fact, "I think that chiffon blouse would look beautiful on you, seeing as that color really suits you," he didn't even bother waiting for a reply from me, simply opting to pluck the top from my hands and briskly walking off to the cashier, "Come on, knowing you you'll still need some time at home figuring out the make-up look you want to settle on."

With a chuckle, I followed after him as he began to pull out his credit card, a serene smile on his face as I gave his free hand a firm squeeze of thanks, my thoughts already distracted by a dozen make-up ideas that I remembered seeing on an artist's blog a while back.

***

The third time his intentions had slipped past my notice was sometime during the colder winter nights, when Lucien and I were keeping ourselves decently warm at an indoor party, clad in heavy clothes and wrapped in a million scarves and hats we could barely hear anyone speak.

Despite all that, Lucien seemed to be enjoying himself very much as he carried conversations with colleagues with ease, the pleasant lilt in his voice attracting everyone, even myself. However, after a few minutes of trying to listen in and realizing that I was struggling to make head or tail of anything they were discussing, I began to tune them out, feeling significantly worse about my own capabilities and intelligence. The gap between my husband and I was just far too large for me to be oblivious to, and the sudden epiphany struck me like a knife to the chest.

Seeing as I was his plus one to this get-together, I couldn't just up and leave without the risk of publicly embarrassing him---something I wouldn't dare to do, given how highly he was regarded by society and fellow scientists in his field of work. Feeling rather inadequate while sitting beside such a renownedly brilliant man as Lucien, I began to fiddle with the loose threads at the end of my skirt, my mind going blank and all thoughts replaced with a hint of sorrow.

I hadn't even noticed that I'd begun to hunch my back over and I wouldn't have, if it weren't for the calming voice in my ear that snapped me out of it.

"What's on your mind? You haven't spoken much all night," there was mild concern laced in his words, but not enough to upset me.

I looked up to find his violet eyes peering at me, and I could only give a half-smile back, "I'm sorry, I'm just really lost 'cause I have no idea what you're talking about."

The second I replied, he reached out to gently pat the top of my head, the weight of his hand resting on me very grounding. That beautifully reassuring smile of his crossed his features once again.

"My little fool, you should've just said so," he chuckled helplessly, "You act as if you don't know that nothing brings me greater joy than explaining things that interest you."

As he began to stroke my hair, I mumbled under my breath, "Didn't want to embarrass you."

Nothing seemed to ever take him aback, not even this comment. Instead, all he did was kiss my forehead in a surprisingly affectionate manner and spoke once again in that leveled voice of his.

"You couldn't even if you tried."

And then he was off, launching into a detailed yet somehow perfectly simplified lengthy explanation of the topics they'd been discussing, before I could even as much as utter a word of thanks.

***

Despite thinking that I could put up that front for so long, I should've known better than to believe that such a tangled web of lopsided smiles and half-assed laughs would hide how I truly felt for too long.

It's not that I was being fake on purpose or anything of the sort; I hated to think that I was tricking Lucien into thinking I was someone I was not... but for some reason, I felt absolutely mortified to show how deeply ingrained my insecurities went. They expanded and took over every inch of my life, rendering me helpless at times I thought I had full control. My intrusive thoughts lunged at me when I least expected it, and I thought that I was doing a fairly good job protecting my husband from them.

Alas, an act can only be put up for so long before the truth is revealed, as I was soon to come to realize.

Being home alone guaranteed me the safety of being able to allow all the horrible thoughts to eat up at my insides. It was sick, being satisfied with and even liking the fact that I could let myself do that without worrying about slipping up in front of Lucien. I was giving my pile of insecurities permission to penetrate every bit of my mind, and as much as I knew it was a terribly destructive habit, I couldn't bring myself to stop them.

My heart ached in my chest as I lay curled up on the bed, tangled in a mess of sheets in the darkness of our bedroom. The only light was that of the moonlight flitting in through the blinds and barely touching on the scattered objects in the room, providing just enough vision for me to try and ground myself. I wasn't even actively trying to stop the onslaught of nasty ideas circulating in my mind; as a matter of fact, I was almost welcoming them, a chiding voice in my head telling me that I deserved to hear what I felt was the truth, and that I shouldn't run away from the reality of things.

Utter hatred for my own self and my state of mind crept upon me, and I couldn't bite back the choked sobs that tumbled from my lips. Clutching at the pillowcase so hard that I was close to ripping it apart, I had to squeeze my eyes shut in a pathetic attempt to completely forget my surroundings and melt into the mattress, as if that would make things any better. So caught up in my own little world of loathing and self-deprecation, I failed to notice the sound of footsteps in the chilly room, too busy shivering and bawling my eyes out.

In spite of that, I wasn't startled by the fact that the bed had dipped beside me. I had completely lost track of time while I was wallowing in my self-pity, so it certainly was to be expected that Lucien would at some point make it home during my crying-fest.

For a long while he didn't speak, and I felt too shameful to bother stopping my tears at this point. My 'secret' was out in the open, and there was no use in lying about it, so I just let him be. His hand was deftly fingering through my hair, tenderly caressing in a languid, unrushed manner. The solemn atmosphere mixed with his gentle touch caused my crying to slowly cease, sobs being reduced to measly hiccups and the occasional whimper, quickly being replaced by a hollowness in my chest. It wasn't any better, but it wasn't any worse at the very least.

I knew he wouldn't broach the topic unless I was the one to initiate conversation; it was just who he was. He was far too careful to just throw caution into the wind and risk me pushing him away for being too nosy---though, in all honesty, if he were to ever directly ask me about anything I'd spill all my darkest secrets. That was the thing about him that had stuck throughout all these years: he was far too comforting of a presence to hide anything from him.

I don't know what prompted me to speak then. For whatever reason, I just blurted out the words lingering on my tongue.

"I feel like shit about myself."

"I know."

Taking in a shuddering breath, I went on, "I try to act like it's not a big issue, but it's constantly on my mind, the feeling that I'm never enough."

"I know."

"And I have to give myself a million pep talks before I can even think of doing or saying anything out of fear of putting you or anyone else off," I began to ramble, unaware of the fact that a terribly sad look had settled on Lucien's features as he hovered above me, "I pray and hope that one day I'll wake up and I'll magically think higher of myself all of a sudden, but every day I'm hit with the feeling of never being enough because of any shortcomings I have," my hold on the pillow tightened once more as the hand on top of my head stilled, though the weight was still reassuring, "I try to get through every day things without fussing too much over details, but it gets harder and harder to breathe whenever I find myself falling short of the standards I want to reach."

"I know."

Clenching my fists, I dared to look up at those unfathomable violet eyes that seemed awfully shiny to be anything other than burdened with emotions.

"Then how do you," I choked a bit on my words, before trying again, "How do you deal with me? Day in and day out?"

Shaking his head, he reached out to pull me into his chest, his arms tightening around me so I was impossibly close.

"Silly," his voice from above me was much thicker than I was used to, "I never see it as dealing with you. When you put it like that, you're implying that you're some sort of burden, and that couldn't possibly be farther from the truth," he laughed a breathy laugh, "I want to be with you. In sickness and in health, in joy and in sadness. The fact that your heart feels heavier than others means that there's just more of you to love harder."

Tugging at his loose tie, I barely manged to look him in the eyes with my blurry vision and boiling frustration at myself, "But Lu, it's not your job to take care of me---"

"You're right, it really isn't, so that should be a clear indication of just how much I genuinely want to give you all the love I have," he pressed on, his eyes firm as they'd always been when it came to matters he took more seriously than anything, "I don't force myself to do things. Not anymore. Everything I do for you, I do willingly and with intent. Alright?"

Seeing my wary expression and watery eyes hesitate as they flit back and forth between his strikingly handsome face and a distant point, Lucien's large hands slowly made purchase on my cheeks, cupping my face as he made sure I could read no doubt in his own eyes, even in the room that only received a sliver of moonlight.

"When I mention that you look beautiful, I have no reason for flattery. We're well past the courting stage for that to even be a useful tactic," he gave me a lop-sided smile, inching even closer to me on the bed, "When I tell you how highly I think of you, that's brutal honesty, because I've never truly valued much in my life, and you were among the very rare exceptions," expression growing solemn, he went on, "It's rather odd, but I had no sense of living without aim, until you came waltzing into my life once more," deft thumbs began to gently wipe away at the stray tears that escaped my eyes, "Everything was a drab shade of black, white, or gray, but since your reappearance as someone I truly cherished, everything just burst into a flurry of colors. And I can't be more grateful for you, my love."

The overwhelming urge to fling myself in his arms and burrow myself a home against his chest won against the need to hide away from his words. A raging inferno of complex emotions was bubbling inside of me, and I couldn't help but choke at their intensity, wanting nothing more than to say something, anything at all to reply to him. Alas, words failed me and drowned in my throat, and all I could do was cry silently as my body shook. Lucien's warm palms were rubbing my back soothingly, and his voice was almost angelic when he spoke once more.

"I know things won't suddenly heal over, but I know for a fact that every inch of you is loved by me, and I will never give up on pushing you onto the path of self-love," his arm finally settled to hook itself around my waist, while his other hand nestled the back of my head, giving him enough space to press the sweetest of kisses against my temple, and while the cacophony of screaming voices in my head didn't mute themselves instantaneously, I could sense their voices growing a bit fainter, for the time being at least, "And I won't stop until you can see for yourself exactly why I love you so fiercely, alright darling? That's a promise."

And knowing him, Lucien Xu, as incredibly elusive and conniving as he often was, had a knack of keeping promises and seeing them through right until the very end. Even as I clutched his shirt so dearly in the dark room, desperation clinging onto my heart, I was sure that Lucien would be there by my side on the road to feeling comfortable in my own skin. It really was only a matter of time as long as I had my wonderful husband by my side.

Taglist: @thispersoniscrazy

#imagine #oneshot #mlqc #hurt/comfort #lucien xu #lucien mlqc #mlqc lucien #xu mo #mr love queen's choice #mr love lucien #mr love lucien xu #mr love xu mo #otome #otome games #mlqc lucien xu #lucien xu mlqc #love and producer #evol x love #koi to producer

61 notes · View notes

luminous-studiess · 3 years

Note

Ummm so I'm new to tumblr so don't judge if I did something wrong.Ummm how can I be like you? Like you know? Productive and smart.I always push myself but ended up being distracted by things (I have adhd and depression).I can't even remember anything after.I suffer,and continue suffering, from my mental illnesses.I just can't keep myself on track.My family makes fun of me for trying.I'm actually trying to find a part time job here but nothing hires minors.Idk please help meee.

hi, friend! answer under the cut because this will be long.

please know you’re doing nothing wrong, and that the fact you keep trying to become better and to push yourself to always get things done despite difficult circumstances already shows that you ARE already productive and smart.

second, it also helped me when i was struggling very heavily last year to learn two things: 1) there will always be particularly bad days when you live with mental illness, but all the little efforts you take, it slowly does get less difficult. getting better does not mean completely getting rid of all the symptoms you experience, but mostly just learning the best ways and small, gentle things you can do for yourself to manage your condition. this really requires a gentle but firm balance between pushing yourself to do the things you absolutely need to do, but also knowing when what level of work/school/self-care or hobbies is the limit, so that you don’t get too overwhelmed. this means most of the time, you don’t have to worry about being productive for its own sake. it helps me when i feel like i’m drowning to know how little i can do/the most non-negotiable bare minimum, that still helps me not to fall behind.

^ this is a small, cheap pad of sticky notes i carry with me throughout my entire day. it’s only big enough so that i can only write a few school tasks/personal things i need to do/chores, which helps me evaluate what exactly i can only get done, especially on days where i don’t feel well. checking off absolutely everything on my tiny list makes me feel like i’ve accomplished a lot, because i i have-- they aren’t necessarily a lot of tasks, but they’re the ones that i know really do need to get done. it also helps me focus when i have a lot of nervous energy, and have a panicked sense of “so many things need to get done!!!?” because i can give myself a bit of time to sit down, maybe turn on an episode of a show i like or make some coffee, and write down my tasks. it really helps me with the faint, tiny guilt and dread i used to feel day by day that i was being unproductive or lazy, because now i know i’ve fulfilled all my obligations to myself (everything from doing laundry, to making dinner) and to other people (schoolwork and other tasks). it’s okay to move at the pace that’s only possible for you right now. it’s better to feel comfortable with the smallest things you can do, and build on that as the days come. 2) getting distracted is normal, given Everything Happening Right Now, plus with a mental health condition that makes it hard to focus. it can also be hard to remember things when i study, because of my own health conditions, but i’ve found that the following things have helped: regarding distraction - use a small system that keeps you from accessing any distractions when you need to get something done. i try to leave my non-essential device in another room, and set up a timer-based blocker, to limit the websites i access. - i try to acknowledge the distractions as they come, and try to figure out why: am i hungry? am i tired? have i gotten enough sleep? do i need a break? if it isn’t anything serious, i just acknowledge that i’ve gone briefly off-track-- without guilt, without judgment. then i try to turn my mind back to the task at hand. - a good ambient playlist can make me feel more focused during hard tasks in the sense that i have some form of stimulation to keep the “itchiness” at bay. video game soundtracks and film soundtracks are also wonderful for long, tricky tasks. - sometimes i just have to start to feel motivated-- the focus actually comes in in the middle of the task. the fact of starting something may actually make you feel motivated.

- procrastinate productively: sometimes when i really don’t want to study i turn on a movie or a show and use the time to clean my room or fold laundry. my life still feels put-together, and i enjoyed myself! win-win.

- and sometimes i realize that focus may be impossible at the moment: take a break, go for a run, do something you like, take a nap. regarding learning and remembering things i used to have the worst time recalling things for school, until i prioritized two things: SLEEP, and not cramming. i used to get extremely poor grades in my first year of law school because i would put off studying at the last and latest moment-- a few days before exams, pulling all-nighters right up until the hour the exam started. i would also just use my free time to scroll on social media, instead of taking a nap or going to bed early. this was absolutely wrong. during the exam, i couldn’t recall anything because i was too tired, too frazzled, probably didn’t have breakfast, and because i had started and finished half a semester of reading in one night. my grades have gotten much better lately-- i’d like to think it’s because i’ve centered it around two things: (a) getting enough sleep every single night (helpful ESPECIALLY if you have health problems-- mental or physical), and (b) making exam day the least stressful it can be. how do i do this? - this means not only learning things for the exam, but also for classes on a daily period. you don’t have to study particularly hard, but you just have to study enough that you can understand what the professor is saying in class. set definite study hours every day, stop at a very specific and reasonable hour, and go to bed. try to get at least 6 hours of sleep. sleep helps me absorb everything better (idk science but this is from experience and also some very smart people i know ALSO prioritize getting sleep). wake up at a reasonable hour. - how to study: read the syllabus, and try to get a decent overview of all the topics you need to cover before you start testing/making flashcards/doing active recall (which is IMPORTANT bc this helps you actually train your brain to retrieve information). imho as someone low-energy i find that rewriting notes/making reviewers/making flashcards makes me very tired and leaves very little time for actual studying, so it just helps to test myself by looking at the syllabus and trying to explain the concept to myself, then peeking at the textbook or materials to see what i’m missing. mind-maps are also energy-efficient ways of figuring out how concepts fit together. - how to study for exams: the very latest you should start is a week ahead. two weeks ahead is ideal. map out how much information you need to re-learn from the syllabus. move slowly with the aim of finishing the coverage by the first week. the second is for reviewing and RESTING. - THE NIGHT BEFORE THE EXAM: do a final, gentle survey over the topics you may not understand. stop at 10 pm. go to sleep. - EXAM DAY: you’ve done the work. take the time to eat breakfast, test yourself SLOWLY AND GENTLY (avoid reading huge chunks of textbook at this point-- youll only confuse yourself), and set up your workspace to take the exam. crush said exam. as a final note: it can be hard to get things done when the people closest to you aren’t supportive. try to reach out on studyblr and find discord study with me servers, or study communities on reddit (they’re actually really nice), or with students in your class. if you need to talk, just dm me. you can do this friend, okay? take care always. gentler days will come.

#mental health support #mental health tips #student mental health #uni tips #college tips #study tips #how to study with a mental illness 2.0 i think???#studyblr #asks

33 notes · View notes