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Just pruning in the tub, sippin, browsing thru dating apps like menus trying to forget about the outside for a min…sigh

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“Something’s getting in the way. Something’s just about to break. I will try to find my place in the diary of Jane. As I burn another page, as I look the other way, I still try to find my place in the diary of Jane.”

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He messaged me again..

I didn’t open it. Just read what I could see in the little drop-down preview. So he can’t see that I saw it..

It feels only the tiniest bit less stiffling, crippling, than the last time.

It makes me confused.. and engaging just makes me confused and hurts.

It’s like there’s coexisting, conflicting realities, and when I talk to him I don’t know what’s real anymore..

Is there a word for that? Or some.. thing?

Feeling like there’s two separate realities, and not being sure which one is real or what parts from each are real..

For the thing where it’s like my brain is still trying to protect and defend him.. even when it’s just the thoughts in my head.. like even thinking certain thoughts, or feeling certain levels of angry, or thinking of telling people about things that ACTUALLY happened, makes me feel anxious and guilty..

like even with just thinking it.. there’s this weird anxious, shame feeling.. like he might find out I had that thought, and would be hurt or angry that I thought that, and it would be a betrayal..

And it’s so deeply planted in there that I honestly get confused when I try to think about it too much, or when I try to look at some of the feelings I’m having..

I don’t know how to let myself feel them, it feels like I can’t. Like emotionally it feels like I CAN’T, like crippling, life will be over, devastating kind of feels, and I don’t understand..

It makes me feel.. wrong. Like everything is kind of wrong. And the only thing right was being with him, except that didn’t feel right anymore either because it hurt. But it’s like it almost doesn’t matter because leaving was still wrong. And I don’t.. understand what is happening to my brain..

I don’t know what to do with this.. I feel like I’m broken..

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Happy Pride Month!

I don’t know if anyone reads my post (again),but I can’t help.

I know a lot going on all over the world, especially US, I deeply afraid everyone’s mental health.

I saw “DONT USE THAT TAG ON THE PICTURE ITS USELESS” or “NOW ALL FOCUS ON BLM ITS NOT TIME FOR YOUR BUISINESS” kind of things in social media. and those actions and movements….it’s a lot.

I understand it is too important. I know that. Black lives matter.

but tbh…. people assaulting others just posting ordinaly things in SNS? or claiming it’s not the time for all LGBTQ+ but black LGBTQ+?

I rememberd feelings when we cant post ordinary things on SNS after huge earthquake hits. It was different kind of situetion I know but at that time, we couldn’t use SNS for just a little things-it was really depressing. Then someone made an account “for just ordinary posts” and I posted for them ordinary, unneccesary things, to lighten my mood. It really helped. I guess many found a peace in it.

I know BLM actions are important. I try to understand what’s going on and what I can do. I want to tell you if you are depressed,or overwhelmed, It’s okay to have a moment for yourself- do something unnecessary, ordinary things. Do it, to keep your mind well. If you can’t stand those images or tragic reports, It’s okay to avoid seeing it for moment. If you want to celebrate pride month, it’s okay to celebrate just a bit. Do not bring yourself at bay, just take your time, take a break. Read books, watch movies and shows,eat your favorites. Don’t drunk. Don’t drug. your health is important. and then rejoin the actions of BLM with healty body and mind- dont keep yourself at bay. It’s okay to relax.

Talk ordinary things with your friends,family,partners if you can. If you can’t, I’m here! I may not understand every thing about you said- my English is damn. Just send a message! I will not judge you for doing not-BLM-thing. Everyone deserve to have a safe place. An escape. then let’s make world better with your healthy mind.

I am nonbinary- demiwoman, Aromantic, 33, living in Osaka,Japan, barista, have a histry of withdrawal, not good at socialize in person so I value one-time interaction and on SNS friendsip. Just return from recess and feel weird a bit. Our olive tree bears flower this year! Not in my best but good mood considering everything. How are you?

Hope everyone stay safe and fine. Again,happy pride month for everyone!!

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