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delfisthoughts · 5 months

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You Don't Really Get It.

I have been sitting on this, these thoughts for a long time and I think maybe it’s time for me to let it all out. I will say this is inspired by this incredible piece (please go read it). Everyone knows being a woman in esports is difficult, but no one really tells you just how hard it is. It goes deeper than denied opportunities, lower pay, and being rejected in favor of men less qualified than you. It’s more than just misogynistic sentiment among players and staff. It’s more than just people thinking you can’t do it purely because of your gender. It’s about you, as a person. Who are you at your core? Who am I?

Hi, I’m Gia-an and I go by Delfino or Delfi online. I was born in Georgia but go to school in Florida and I’m majoring in business management. My pronouns are she/her. I love playing video games. I started playing pokemon and Wii games, and that eventually morphed into PC and Switch games. I first played League of Legends in September of 2020 when my older sister introduced me to the game. We both got into League Esports when we found out there was a black pro player. From there, I was hooked. So hooked, in fact, that I started creating content. First, it was silly video edits, then I started a podcast with my friends. We didn’t really know how big NAmen would get, we just wanted to create something fun about the passion we all shared.

The more I get into the scene, the more frustrated and disillusioned I become. Being a woman in a majority-male space is something I’m actually not accustomed to. My friend group IRL is mostly girls, NAmen is majority-female, and in high school, my class was pretty evenly split. I came into the scene knowing that it was majority male. I’d been in the Smash scene prior and I knew what it could be like. But honestly, I’d never thought it could be this bad.

I’m not high elo. I’m a Gold 4 peaker. I don’t know what it’s like to be a competitor in the scene, and I don’t want to speak for any of my friends or any woman that has competed in League. However, based on the things I’ve been told, it’s extremely difficult. As a woman, all eyes are on you. Whether you play up to par or not, whether you’re competitive or not, the attention on you is draining. It’s difficult to have your accomplishments belittled and your failures put under a microscope. There are many reasons that women don’t tend to go pro in esports, and lack of talent and ability is not one of them.

I’m going to move on to the fan perspective. I’m a fan. When I like something, I like it a lot. My therapist calls it hyperfixation. The way I show my appreciation for players is through fun edits, organizing hashtags for their birthdays, and other small things to make them feel loved by their fans. I came from kpop fandom. Though I wasn’t as involved with NCT and Red Velvet as I am with LCS, I picked up on the things fans do for their favorite idols and brought some of them to LCS fandom. It’s been hard. In kpop, fan votes, fun edits, and trending hashtags are normal, and in LCS, there’s none of that. Oftentimes, the fandom feels dead unless there’s something negative to talk about. This isn’t the most difficult part. It’s the response to the things my friends and I do.

So often, my tweets are met with replies like “you’re mentally ill” or “this is parasocial”. I think the people replying don’t understand the perspective of fandom from a girl. For so long, the only type of fandom the LCS has ever seen is so overwhelmingly traditionally male that other voices never shine through. Though these replies are annoying, it’s just random people I don’t care about so I just block them and move on. What hurts more is when people I know, who I genuinely think are well-meaning, say things like “oh that’s cool, but I could never do that” or “this is one of your kpop things isn't it?” Not only does it come off as condescending, it’s dismissive. I understand that kpop-style content isn't for everybody. Not everyone wants to contribute to a hashtag or write a note for their fav when he’s feeling sick or whatever, I get it. But to dismiss everything we — no, I — do as “kpop content that’s not made for a larger audience” is extremely disingenuous.

Much of the early LCS content is similar to the things we’re doing now. How is a Sneaky/Meteos funny moment compilation different from the Jojospired being best friends compilation? Why is one video considered nostalgic old LCS while the other is considered “content not made for me”? Is it because one of them is made by someone who has publicly declared that they are a woman? Why was my soloq tracking considered content “not made for everyone”, when teams themselves were doing it too? When every tweet I made about it did got insane interaction? Why are female displays of admiration looked down upon? Why are they considered different (in a bad way)? Why do I feel the need to preface nearly all of my fan content in a joking manner? Why can my content not be taken seriously?

Growing up as a girl involves a lot of shame. We’re shamed for thinking certain things, doing certain things, wearing this that or the other. Womanhood is deeply rooted in shame. Look at the trends. It’s “remove buccal fat” this or “anti-wrinkle straw” that. I thought I was used to feeling shame. Nothing on earth could’ve prepared me for esports. Feeling shame for existing. Feeling shame for expressing my admiration and appreciation for players. Feeling shame for saving pictures of my favs. Feeling shame for damn near everything I do. It’s exhausting.

Another thing that bothers me a lot is the idea that I think about players in a sexual context. This happens to my friends too, Elaine especially, but it happens to me far too often. I’ve made so many statements to clarify that no, I don't ship players and no, I don't think of players in an nsfw way. I can’t count the number of times that I’ve said this. And yet I still get moments like these,

in response to simply sending a collection of pictures featuring my favorite players. It’s not just from distant acquaintances either. Recently, someone I consider a decently close friend implied that I was thinking explicit thoughts about a player. This was after I had made multiple statements, both publically and privately about how these types of “jokes” made me uncomfortable. It just brought into perspective the title of this blog. You will never get it.

Before this section, I want to say that this is not accusatory. The “you” in this sense is not directed at any single person reading this.

You will never understand what it’s like to be a woman in this space. You will never understand how frustrating it is to be condescended to, how demeaning it is to have people’s first assumption about you be that you want to have sex with the players you admire. You won’t — can’t — understand how much garbage I get in my dms, how afraid I am to put my face on the internet, how tired I am of people implying that the only reason I got into LCS is that I want to sleep with players. It’s disgusting when someone implies that I would “jump Tenacity” — that I would assault someone if given the chance. My existence as a fan — as a person — goes far beyond what box people want to put me into and I’m sick of having to fit in that box. I’m sick of being talked to as if I’m a dumb child that doesn’t understand anything. I’m sick of those same people turning around and sexualizing me as if the only thing I think about when it comes to my favorite players is what they’re like in bed. I’m fucking exhausted. I hear comments about how NAmen “objectify” or “sexualize” players because we call them cute or think they’re attractive. Never in my life have I thought of a player as a sexual object. I’m tired of every little comment I make being taken out of context.

You will never understand that the profiles website was never made for personal gain, it was made out of love for our players. You would never understand how much we do to keep up with our favorite players. Searching through hundreds of Korean soloq accounts, following players across regions, waking up at 4 am because our favorite player is halfway across the world. We support these boys 1000000% and it’s painful to see our support get belittled.

This kind of turned into a rant, but I’m tired. Many of my friends feel the same way. Our love, our passion, has been constantly diminished and demeaned purely for the fact that it's different. The way we appreciate the LCS and our players is different, and because it’s different, it’s wrong. The things people say about us behind our backs are vile. The things people say to our faces hurt even more. All of us love the LCS and we only want to see it thrive.

Disclaimer: This post was not made to drag anyone, it’s just an expression of my thoughts. If you took it personally, well, hit dogs holler right?

#crossposting from medium #esports #blog #opinion #lcs #lol esports #text post #reupload

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buzzheadchick · 2 years

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I don’t know how many followers I have on this side account who actually care about my thoughts on this kind of thing, but I figured I’d share my personal method of using tone indicators in my day-to-day life.

First off, one important thing to note about my personal usage of them is that I have established a clearly stated precedent with all of my friends and family that, “While I do make jokes, I do not make a habit say things sarcastically or use clarifications of intent in a non-literal manner. If I say ‘I’m not mad,’ I do genuinely mean I am not mad. I will never say what I don’t mean and expect you to figure it out. If you are unsure, no matter how lighthearted or serious the context of the situation is, I will never berate you for asking.” When I was much younger, I wasn’t always like this, but it’s been several years now and everyone I love IRL knows this about me.

Secondly, I want to show anyone reading the most comment list of tone indicators I’ve seen on this site. I usually see it shared via an image, but for accessibility purposes, I will be typing it out.

“j” = joking

“hj” = half joking

“s” = sarcastic

“srs” = serious

“p” = platonic

“r” = romantic

“l” or “ly” = lyrics

“t” = teasing

“nm” = not actually mad or upset

“nc” or “neg” = negative connotation

“pc” or “pos” = positive connotation

“lh” = lighthearted

“nbh” = nobody here (for when you’re vagueing someone in a vent)

“m” = metaphorically

“li” = literally

“ij” = inside joke

“rh” or “rt” = rhetorical question

“gen” = genuine question

“hyp” = hyperbole

“c” = copypasta

“sx” or “x” = sexual intent

“nsx” or “nx” = non-sexual intent

“th” = threat

“cb” = clickbait

“f” = fake

“g” = genuine

With those two pieces of information covered, I’d like to discuss how I go about using tone indicators in my life, as someone who both sometimes needs them and has many loved ones who benefit from them.

I think my first guideline for myself has to do with a common complaint about tone indicators, which is that memorizing the acronyms can be just as hard as learning other types of social cues. It also relates to the fact that I am already a verbose person who tends to be very deliberate and thorough in the words I choose; I only use tone indicators when, for whatever reason, it is not optimal to clarify my tone or intent through the full words of my message. This means that, when possible, I will say things like “I mean this seriously,” “This isn’t about anyone here,” or “I’m only half-joking.” Times I may not do this are typically when using more lighthearted or non-literal speech, as one of my methods of masking is using techniques I learned in professional comedy when being conversationally humorous. That means that I will attempt to “tighten up” the timing and wording of my jokes in order to get more laughs from neurotypical people, even if that can muddy up the meaning at times. Typically then do I use tone indicators, though it should be noted that I am less likely to use such focused humor when typing a public or group message (not directed at a single person), which leads me into my next point.

My second personal guideline is to know my audience, which sometimes means knowing that I DON’T know my audience. To friends and family, I often know the sorts of things they struggle with and write my messages accordingly. I will often forgo preemptive clarifications for people who don’t typically need them, and perhaps clarify things I wouldn’t usually clarify if the personal has established to me that is what they prefer. No matter what, I will explain if asked, but this is regarding initial messages. That being said, when making a public or group message, a lot of factors go into it, particularly setting. If it’s a fast-paced group chat, I probably won’t take the time to type out what I mean in full words because I am already a slow typer. Instead, I will use emotes/emojis and the more well known tone indicators for broadest understanding. However, in a sort of “turn-based” online discussion, like replying to a tweet (though I don’t really use twitter) or tumblr post, I’ll be able to take the time to craft my response the way I want. Especially on tumblr, I may clarify tone in the notes but omit them from the main text.

My third (and final) personal guideline for using tone indicators is about simplifying. I find many tone indicators redundant, and going back to the earlier issue of memorizing many different acronyms, I’ll only stick to a few. For example, I don’t use “srs,” “li,” or “g.” If I mean something genuinely and cannot clarify as much in the main text, I will use “/gen”. I also don’t use “s,” “t,” “ij,” or “hyp,” I mainly only use “/j,” and sometimes use “lh” or “hj” if I can reasonably assume they know what those mean. All the others from the above list I can almost always clarify with the words themselves, as I don’t feel beholden to “tighten up” a social performance when I’m not joking, nor do I feel the need for brevity that I otherwise feel when speaking to someone already in distress (which is the time when I typically need to specify when I am being genuine, otherwise people have come to assume that from me).

#tone indicators

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starglitterz · 2 years

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cynosure. (viii)

─── chapter 8 ! ~ this is how to be a heartbreaker.

summary; you and xiao are genmates under the famed streamer company genshin impact. the chemistry between the two of you is undeniable, and your fanbases absolutely love your collaborations. but when you both start meeting up offline more and more, your connection starts to deepen past just harmless flirting and playful banter. with these real feelings starting to affect both your job and reputation online, how will you two react when your relationship becomes the internet’s cynosure?

a/n: HI I MISSED CYNOSURE SM I JUST TOOK AGES TO WRITE THIS BC OF IRL STUFF AKJWDKJSD BUT IM BACK NOW YEAHHHH aLSO this is quite a long chapter, so strap in for a rollercoaster ride >:) !!!!

as always, reading order is; 1 2 3 4

warnings; angst, hate comments, threatening

previous.┃masterlist.┃next.

please reblog ! it helps a lot :)

youtube !

@.kunikuzushi's latest video is #15 on trending; XIAO AND Y/N AREN'T AS PERFECT AS YOU THINK - HERE'S WHY!

without wasting time on clickbait rubbish, let's get right into the video. we all know the internet's current favourite 'it-couple', aka xiao and y/n from genshin impact's liyue third generation. however, i'm here to tell you why they are the most awful and toxic pairing to exist in the streamer fandom, and i've literally been shipped with tartaglia. speaking of which, go check out my other video on why his views have been declining recently! but anyways, before we delve into the deeper stuff, don't forget to hit the subscribe button and click on the bell to get notified whenever i post new videos - you wouldn't want to miss any, would you?

well, now that that's over... i'll start off by saying to please not send hate to any parties involved in this video. kidding! i genuinely could not care less whether you do or don't. as long as you don't say it's from me, you're in the clear, and that's just because i seriously don't want to get demonetised again.

i'd also like to mention that i'm a pretty diehard fan of xiao. that's a lie, i'd never heard of him before he was hired by genshin. but! i did some digging, with some assistance from my talented friend who prefers to be known only as 'the crimson witch', and found his past life. if you're unfamiliar with streamer terms, that's just slang for a persona a streamer used to play before they either retired or signed up to a company. i doubt any of you know who xiao used to be, as it's considered bad taste to doxx a streamer's previous character, but fun fact; i don't give a [####]! ah [####], now i've got to cut that out so i can still get ad revenue.

xiao's former life was as none other than part of the five famed yakshas! this is basically his tragic backstory, which then led to him signing up for genshin and being catapulted into worldwide fame and fortune; jeez xiao, save some main character moments for the rest of us! he used to go by alatus, and in case you don't know what happened to the yakshas, here's a quick summary. while they were famous for creating content as a group, one of the girls was accused of having a relationship, and the internet went wild. i'm talking mass unsubscribing, hate comments, dislike bombing - and not just on her account, on all five of their accounts and their shared account. things only got more heated when a respected updates channel, guess who? if you guessed yours truly, you're absolutely right! if you guessed anyone else... why are you even here? anyway, i posted a huge video about it, which actually kickstarted my career, and well, basically ruined theirs.

the entire internet hopped on a giant bandwagon of hating on them until finally, the group could no longer tolerate it, and the five yakshas were disbanded. nobody knew what had become of each of them, at least until now! i've solved the grand mystery of who xiao is, and now i'll get into why he shouldn't be with y/n.

first off, i pity xiao, okay? i made that video for clout and it actually worked, i didn't expect the yakshas to dissolve because of it. and so i want what's best for xiao, because he deserves some happiness after such a terrible sobstory. therefore, i believe that he shouldn't be with y/n at all! how long have we known her? only around a couple months, which as confirmed by venti's interview, is the same amount of time xiao's known her. yet in that short duration, y/n's been proven countless times to be a terrific flirt, constantly buttering up others in collabs with stupid pick-up lines and flirty expressions. honestly, the second-hand embarrassment i get from some of her videos is almost overwhelming. xiao, meanwhile, is the polar opposite; he's quiet, reserved, and barely does collaborations. y/n is hanging onto genshin impact by the skin of her teeth with the collabs, while xiao can hold his own in terms of content. at least his is watchable and doesn't make me want to bang my head against the wall.

xiao deserves better, because even if he's mooning after y/n, she doesn't even bother giving him a second glance. she treats him the same way she treats everyone else, like objects - another reason why you shouldn't support her. xiao is probably pretending to like her, which is understandable considering how many views their collabs get. human fall flat, valorant, gartic phone with the entire third gen, it's all great business sense, really. people are suckers for the grumpy boy sunshine girl trope, and they know that and make the best use of it. it's just a ploy to get more money from you, both from ads and superchat donations.

overall, xiao and y/n suck together, mainly because of how their relationship is obviously being faked for views. however, it seems like xiao might actually be catching feelings, which is also horrible because he deserves someone more caring and loving than the playful and childish y/n. especially after his backstory, that boy must have severe trust issues, so it's better for him to be saved from this before things get messed up and he ends up heartbroken.

that's it from me, scaramouche, hope you enjoyed the video!

twitter !

groupchat !

phone call !

outgoing call to y/n at 6.14 p.m.

xiao: y/n, are you with hu tao and yanfei now? are you safe?

y/n: hi xiao... yeah i'm with them at the mall. i'm waiting for them outside wanwen bookhouse, and then we're going to xinyue kiosk for dinner before heading home.

xiao: thank the archons, i was so scared for you. i was seriously contemplating driving out to help you somehow but i had no clue how. i was worried my presence might... exacerbate the situation.

y/n: aw xiao, thanks for being so caring. it's fine though, i'm still in one piece!

xiao: but that's the problem, y/n. it isn't fine.

y/n: what are you talking about?

xiao: it isn't fine that you were threatened with a knife outside a grocery store! by one of my fans, which makes it worse!

y/n: xiao, i told you it's okay. things like this happen when you're famous.

xiao: that doesn't make it right and you know it. this wouldn't even have happened if i didn't interact with you.

y/n: xiao, you can't blame yourself for your fans' actions. you don't control them, they're functional humans who make their own choices.

xiao: either way, the fact remains that you nearly got hurt because of me.

y/n: how is it because of you?!

xiao: my fans got jealous because i've been spending so much time with you, so they nearly attacked you! the blame can't fall on anyone else for that besides me.

y/n: and what about the fan? isn't it their fault?

xiao: yes, obviously it is. but we don't know who it is and i doubt we ever will. as an influencer, this is exactly why i'm supposed to stay away from problems like these.

y/n: problems like these? and what do you mean by that, xiao?

xiao: this entire thing between us!

y/n: you're saying all the time we spent together was just 'a problem' to you?

xiao: no! i mean- yes, but not in that way.

y/n: in what other way could that mean, xiao?

xiao: i mean that i enjoyed hanging out with you! i like you, y/n. a lot more than i should considering our jobs.

y/n: well i like you too, xiao! so who cares about that?! our fans, the good ones at least, will be over the moon if we become official.

xiao: and what about the bad ones? whatever happened today to you could happen ten times worse and next time you might not be so lucky.

y/n: that's a risk i'm willing to take.

xiao: i don't want you to be at risk! i can't let it happen again.

y/n: let what happen again?

xiao: nothing. look, y/n, i'm really sorry, but we've got to end this.

y/n: xiao, come on-

xiao: no. i need you to be safe and okay, even if that means distancing myself from you. i can't lose another person i care about.

y/n: by doing this, you're already losing me. please, xiao, just try to-

xiao: i'm sorry, y/n. it's for the best. i'm cancelling the collab we were supposed to have next week, and i'm not going to be interacting with you on social media or real life. at least not until this entire mess is sorted out, i can't endanger you further.

y/n: we can make this work, xiao, please.

xiao: goodbye, y/n.

call cut at 6.37 p.m.

twitter !

a/n; scaramouche is so fun to write for gn JKDAKWJDKJAS,,, also angst moment 😍HAHAHA i promised angst and here is the delivery, i hope u all enjoyed it! i, personally, am absolutely DEVASTATED over the end of xiaoyn 😞 but i'd love to hear yalls theories for what will happen next, especially since we've still got a ton of chapters left LOL ok anyways im too tired to write more for this a/n except im sorry for the long wait between chapters ! school is kicking my ass 😭 but ily all take care mwah !

taglist; @noirkkat @bookuya @ohmykazuha @glazelilyy @oreoz-unfortunately @tiny-aroace @xiaophobic @test-tube @jiinghe @storytravelled @mirikusashes @ben6ett @oliviasslut @bluexiao @lunachelly @aelatus @mimion @akiiyukii @angelhxneyy @give-xiao-almond-tofu @abyssheart @xuanya @normalisthenewnorm @viagiraffe @fuhuashandholder @astersg4rden @nachotrash @childe-support @cynokine @axerrri @ventirain @kait-is-always-late @hushyouu @celestair @rim0na @indecisivehusky @nurserinnn @ariesreii @saving-for-xiao @hellokittykuroo @auradragon199 @xiaoszn @liarchive @almondto-fu @berryqueue @chichikoi @yunaholics @yoimimi @http-mewchuu

general masterlist.

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ayamturd · 3 years

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aroace│mcyt hc

warnings: small mentions of hate, fluff

prompt: (requested) “could I request headcanons on how each mcyt would react to reader coming out as aroace? platonic btw!”

pairings: irl platonic! dream, ranboo, and tommy ; c!technoblade

a/n: as i myself do not identify as an aroace, pls correct me on any misconceptions or things i did not portray accurately

a special thanks to new friend @youtubesthings! they’re pretty pog and gave helpful insight to specific parts

wc: (1.0k) - m.list

dream -

you’ve known dream for a while now, long before he began to attract online fame

even then, you were still hesitant to come out to him

rationally, you knew how supportive dream was for his friends, but reason doesn’t stop the fear of rejection for being yourself

he’s an affectionate guy that isn’t afraid to express his (platonic!) love for others, and while you’re not romantically involved with him, it’s still terrifying to think that he might push you away for how you perceive relationships

whether you identified as an aroace for some time or only recently discovered the fact for yourself, you felt trapped and needed to tell someone

would approach him one evening and be closed off the entire conversation

he obviously would take note to your strange behavior and softly confront you about it

“Y/n, you okay? You seem on edge.”

“Actually, I-I’ve been meaning to talk to you about something.”

moment you managed get get the words out, there’s a slight pause before he speaks

“Oh. Is that all?”

he’d pause and realize the implications to how his words sound and begin panicking

“No, wait that’s not what I meant. Y/n, that’s honestly so amazing, I’m so glad you trust me.”

if you were still wary to telling others, dream is the most trustworthy of your secret until you’re ready (he’s able to disclose only the things he wants people to know very well considering he’s faceless)

but if you decided to fully come out, you can bet he’s the loudest and most supportive person you know

will not hesitant to defend you from any haters or trolls and tries speak out for all aroaces

admits he’s not the most knowledgeable but tries (will search things up in his own time)

genuinely takes your coming out seriously but treats you the same like the person you’ve always been

c!technoblade -

let’s be honest here, technoblade isn’t canonically shown to have any romantic advances towards anyone in the smp

as a close ally and friend, you trusted techno easily and didn’t think much about coming out to him

“Hey Techno.”

“What?”

“I’m Aroace.”

“‘kay cool.”

this isn’t to say he doesn’t care, but he doesn’t see a point in fawning over the fact when it’s just you coming out as yourself

he’s closed off to some degree about how he normally feels on certain things, but your trust in him makes him feel more welcome to sharing his own thoughts and feelings

will honestly become confused should a person mock or be unaccepting of the fact, and instinctively will unsheathed his weapon

“Why are you laughing?”

*pulls out Orphan Obliterator*

“No seriously, why?”

that being said, he honestly just forgets about it from time to time

he can keep secrets, no doubt, but considering how normalized he finds it, he isn’t really strict about talking about it if the situation comes up

if someone were to somehow imply you both were romantically involved, Techno would be so casual about it

“Aren’t you two together to something?”

“What? No, y/n’s Aroace, that’s weird.”

“…what?” :D

i mean you should’ve expected this when you first told him-

he’s the almighty Blood God, a fearless warrior that strikes down all his opponents mercilessly, and truth be told, someone who respects his friends greatly

ranboo -

ranboo is unmistakably someone you thought of first when contemplating coming out

from his donation stream to his constant efforts of normalizing LGBTQ rights, ranboo has always been considerate of the fact

so one day you decided to tell him after a stream

it was late and he was honestly tired, but you wanted to get it out of the way before you lost the confidence go through with it again

“Hey Ranboo?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m Aroace.”

“…”

“Ranboo?”

“Sorry what? I didn’t hear you.”

he had yawned in the middle of you talking and didn’t hear you come out

honestly it was really funny to look back on, but he’d probably feel awful every time you reminded him

once you repeated yourself though, he was quick to celebrate and congratulate you

ranboo isn’t one to go into many heavy conversations, but if he noticed any hate or criticism once you fully came out, he will stop his stream just to emphasize how any hate is not tolerated on his channel, especially regarding his friends

if ever need be, he will (with your permission) speak on your behalf if someone didn’t understand what being aroace meant

he knows how to lightly joke around the topic and chooses to do so as a way to show he accepts you for how you are

that being said, doesn’t mention it often since he knows doing so can be demoralizing like a label

overall, never fails to express his support and (platonic!) love, and sees you beyond your coming out as his friend that he respects and appreciates

tommy -

alright, okay

this is tommy we’re talking about here, a known advocate for LGBTQ rights; though he can say some mixed up intentions, his devotion to enforcing those rights on his channel and throughout his daily streams has always been endearing, but much like dream, the idea of telling someone so emotionally driven was nerve-racking

it’s not like you didn’t plan on telling him, but he probably would have found out by accident

you had been in a discord call with him late at night and it slipped out naturally

“Have you noticed you’ve been shipped recently with (someone someone) lately?”

“I have, yeah. I hate it.”

“… why?”

“Oh it’s nothing against them, I’m Aroace.”

“Wait really?”

“…”

“...”

“Oh fuc-”

after you explained to him how you trusted him but honestly didn’t mean to tell him, he’d respect you for what it was and leave it be

tommy is sincerely mature when he needs to be, and won’t bring the subject up until you wanted to talk about it with him (since he wasn’t originally meant to know)

once you were ready though, he would go full protection mode

online, he’d make his support loud and clear, and while he’ll make mistakes from time to time, he has good intentions to heart

privately, he always tries to be subtle in his understanding if the topic or situation called for it

he’s proud of his friends (that’s a given), and will never hesitate to make it known that you are someone he admires for being themself

#dream smp x reader #dream smp x you #dream x reader #dream x you #dreamwastaken x reader #dreamwastaken x you #technoblade x reader #technoblade x you #tommyinnit x reader #tommyinnit x you #ranboo x reader #ranboo x you #mcyt x you #mcyt x reader #mcyt headcanons #dreamwastaken headcanon #technoblade headcanon #tommyinnit headcanon #ranboo headcanon

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rizzinator · 2 years

Note

howdy, i was hoping to request an encanto matchup? preferably romantic.

i'm fifteen, genderfluid and im unlabeled sexualitywise. i go by val and pixie online but use kris and [REDACTED] irl

good things about me: i will listen to anyone's problems and offer advice if i can, i don't take anyone's shit and will throw hands if needed be and i give good hugs.

neutral: im quiet most of the time which is a good and bad thing, im really superstitious and i mumble and ramble under my breath a lot when nervous.

bad things about me: a hell of a lot of self doubt about everything i do, i can get so nervous to the point i throw up 💀, i have scoliosis and when my back gets too sore i have to use a wheelchair, extremely clumsy, massive mommy issues and a ball of anxiety.

likes: reading, painting, dancing, singing, baking, skateboarding, gardening, thriller movies, horror novels, theatre (especially broadway), swimming, photography and poetry.

dislikes: confrontation, discrimination, being made fun of, when being told what to do, failure, not knowing who i am and the way i look.

physical:

im really pale and im rather short (5'3 - 5'4). im covered in freckles (i like to think of them as stars and connect them like they're constellations) and have a birthmark across my neck and chest that looks like coffee stains (i get teased about it a lot so i wear a lot of turtlenecks and scarves). im pretty chubby, but im losing weight !! i have short hair (just above my earlobe and an undercut) which has been bleached to a light orange with red streaks. im thinking of growing my hair out and dying it back to my natural color (brown, almost black). i have narrow, dark brown eyes too.

fun facts:

- i have a spa day once a week to try and keep my skin smooth and just treat myself(don't tell my friends, i'd never hear the end of it)

- i babysit younger family members, dad's friend's kids and friend's siblings from time to time

- i used to volunteer at my local zoo!! the red pandas and reptiles were my favorites to look after.

- i either want to pursue psychology, continue to work with animals or pursue dance!! (the last two would be difficult due to my scoliosis)

- i have a massive collection of crystals. my room is very shiny. my favorites are a peach aventurine in the shape of a mushroom and a bloodstone in the shape of a skull

sorry if that was too much. don't forget to drink plenty of water !!

pls be my best friend

i aged down the characters to fit your age, so it wouldn't be inappropriate 😅

i match you with...

Bruno Madrigal

He loves to share his superstitions with you, and he might even tear up a little if you believe in his superstitions too, having never met someone with similar beliefs as him

You always stand up for him whenever the townspeople or his mother begin to criticize him, a trait both he and his sister's adore

Your shared love for music and theatre results in incredible plays being put on, his rats featuring in all of them, of course

And speaking of his rats, he loves how you aren't afraid to handle them or take care of them, barely flinching when one nibbles on the tip of your finger

He loves to see you interact with children, and he thinks you'd be a great parent, if given the opportunity

Honestly, this man would join you in these spa days - if you let him of course - and would almost always end up falling asleep in his chair while watching your routine

His sister's adore you, and everyone genuinely loves your relationship and how well you compliment each other

Dolores Madrigal

Gurl, she's in love with you from the start

Poetry? Photography? Singing?

She was infatuated before she had even met you

She always tries to build your confidence, trying to help you appreciate everything about yourself - even your insecurities and 'bad' traits

She loves your birthmark, always begging for you to take off your scarf so she can admire it - though she doesn't push you if you feel uncomfortable by it

When she first found out about your scoliosis, she didn't really know what is was or what it meant

So, naturally, she spent hours and hours reading every book she could find about it, wanting to support you in any way possible

Slow dances in dimly lit rooms are one of her favourite pastimes with you. She likes the intimacy of it and the serenity that accompanies slower dances

She is always there to help you if you feel overwhelmed or overstimulated

You both have a sort of secret language you use based on hand signals. That way, you can tell the other person how they are feeling or if the situation is too much without having to say anything

I hope that was ok!

#encanto #encanto match up #dolores madrigal #dolores madrigal x reader #dolores x reader #dolores #bruno madrigal x reader #bruno madrigal #bruno x reader

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ficforthought · 3 years

Text

On being SO DONE with M*sha, a rant a decade in the making!

After giving this some thought I'm going to go ahead and give my opinion on Misha and yesterday’s situation in public for the first time ever. I was going to just post on Twitter but since this has been 12 years in the making I have exceeded the number of tweets I can put in one thread! There’s A LOT in here, so my summary is also long. I'm aware that I will lose followers over this, I'm not looking to offend anyone but it will inevitably happen. I wish anyone leaving all the best as fellow human beings.

TL;DR - having kept quiet for so long I’ve finally reached my limit and it’s all come bubbling out. I’ve never been a fan of Misha, I’ve been ambivalent for the most part, but have never criticised him in any hateful way, that's not who I am, but after all these years of putting up with his bullshit, attention seeking and troublemaking I am DONE. Deleting his tweet containing the word Wincest and replacing it with an APOLOGY just to pander to his Minions and save face is the straw that broke the camel's back. He has consistently pushed his ship on not only fans but on other actors (despite Jensen's discomfort, and him having repeatedly made his feelings known on it), he has stood by while his Minions/Hellers have harassed, victimised, doxxed and sent death threats to people based on their FICTIONAL ships. He has pandered to their gatekeeping, constantly demanded attention in obvious and not so obvious ways, and to the best of my knowledge never criticised their actions even though he's aware of it in a very real way. Some of his Minions have now taken their shit into The Boys fandom and created negativity for Jensen before the guy has even got a foot through the set door, and how is that supporting one half of your ship?

Misha has claimed to be a victim of targeted harassment from Wincest/brother fans (not only shippers) yet his fans have said and done the most despicable things on his watch, all in the name of what he must think is entertainment, or even his idea of a ‘joke’.

Any respect I had for the man based on his humanitarian work has gone because I can only take so much hypocrisy. He and his pandering because of a desperate attempt to be woke and wholly inclusive (which is actually impossible, no matter how good intentions are) are beyond pathetic. Whilst I have never seen why people think he’s so great I have friends IRL and online who genuinely adore the man, yet they have been shocked and upset by his contempt for half of the fandom that made him somewhat famous. It's disgusting and I'm not scrolling by any more. Misha, I hope to never see you on anything J2 related in future because none of us need that kind of negativity, *especially* not J2. Be gone, foul fiend!

OK, so to the too long part. Please be aware that these are my opinions as a fan of the show, of Sam and Dean, and J2, not only as a shipper. I can separate canon and fanon, and can view canon from a gen or shippy PoV. Whether you agree or disagree with my opinion let me be clear that I do not condone constant bashing and hate of a person or character so this isn’t the start of a regular thing for me. It's possible to have an opinion and not show the same vitriol that has been following this man around for years, and that’s what I’m doing. I've not posted this to prompt more negativity, it's simply to get it off my chest and make it clear how I feel. I stand by my philosophy of ship who you want to ship, enjoy it, but don't force it on other people and don't be a dick about it…hmm, that kinda sounds like familiar behaviour, though, does it not?!

I have ABSOLUTELY NO ISSUE with other people liking Misha, Cas or Destiel when it’s for the love of the characters and the ship. What I *do* have an issue with is people who are the true definition of a Heller. I don’t see that as a generic term, don't be ignorant and think I do because I know the difference between actual ship fans and the crazies, both ships have ‘em and I want no part of either of their venom. If you are reading this and class yourself as a Heller then you are part of the problem so run along and as you are all so fond of saying, 'get help' and take your bestie king with you.

I’m stating my opinion in what I feel is the most mature way I can, because unlike many people on SM, I am an adult and can act accordingly, with forethought and without resorting to temper tantrums and bullying of other people to get my point across. I am able to tell the difference between reality and fiction, I don't tar everyone with the same shipper brush and I don't expect everyone to agree with my opinion, but as we know opinions are like arseholes, we all have them and sometimes they stink. Unlike some, for the most part in life (online and offline) I *do* stand by what I say and don’t backtrack or delete things to appease the masses. I have spent a lot of time writing this out to be as clear as possible without being intentionally hateful. Bear with me jumping between actor and character where relevant, at this point they're conjoined. I will say this before I go any further, it doesn’t end well for Misha, I don’t mince my words and if you don’t like seeing facts and opinions laid out, this isn't the post for you.

I’ll say right off the bat what most of you have surmised - I’ve never held Misha (or Cas) in high esteem but I have never *hated* on him. I have shared mild criticism of his actions and opinions on Cas over the years but never, I feel, in any way that has made me feel I have something to apologise for. I have said several times I've been unhappy about Misha crashing con panels, taking attention away from J2 when at those cons *most* people paid their hard earned money to see the STARS of the show they love, first and foremost, and anyone else is a very nice bonus. The odd appearance here and there crashing a panel is fine (and Misha isn’t the first or last person to do it), maybe take up a few minutes then leave, but when someone commandeers an entire panel, that's just not on. It's not only selfish, rude and attention seeking but also disrespectful to other actors, fans and to the organisers who work hard to make sure everything ties in to give us the best con experience we can have. Everyone gets their turn on stage, there's no need to try and hog any more of the limelight, Veruca Salt style. Oh, and if you’re reading this and not getting that reference, (a) you shouldn’t be on my blog because you’re far too young, (b) look it up, and if you still don’t get what I’m saying… well then please refer to point (a). Thank you, kindly!

There was a time in Kripke's era where Cas was - I feel - intentionally used as a pawn by the writers to divert *canon* from the ‘questionable’ relationship between Sam and Dean, i.e. Wincest focus. Prior to that people (other fans) lightened up and just accepted the fact that Wincest had been there since day one in terms of the writing of the show and the fandom. All the cast and crew knew - J2, Kripke and JDM in particular - and made light of it, never judging, never shaming and often encouraging it because they understand it’s a fun part of fandom. Wincest was present enough to be part of the not so subtle subtext, as I said people just accepted it. Kink tomato was alive and well, so was ‘don’t like, don’t read’ and we all just scrolled over things we didn’t like without turning everything into a personal vendetta and excuse for bullying others who didn’t share our views. When the angels came into the plot I think most of us Wincest fans gave the Dean/Cas innuendos the small laugh they deserved and then turned back to the focus of the show which was the brothers, as it had always been intended. Misha, however, milked those moments as much as possible which was amusing at the start but got old *very* quickly, not just for fans (shippers and non shippers alike), but for other actors, in particular Jensen who is on record MULTIPLE times showing his dislike for Destiel. He told people outright that's not how he was playing the relationship between the two characters and CATEGORICALLY said "Destiel doesn't exist" but did it end there? No, it did not because neither fans or Misha let it go, in fact Misha only pushed more, goaded fans into flogging the same dead horse as much as possible. He’s never stopped, not even when there was so much discord in the fandom, a huge wedge was driven into it because of ships, which IMO he heavily contributed to.

Fast forward to over a decade later (a decade, seriously man, let it fucking go!) he didn’t even stop when Destiel did partially go canon. I have never doubted that Cas loved Dean (Sam, too) because in SPN lore angels are made to love, even rebellious ones. I, along with many others, liked that about Cas because who doesn't love a rebel, especially one rebelling for very good reasons, and because of those two wonderful men? Sam and Dean allowed him to see beyond what he'd been brainwashed to believe his entire existence. The fact is that although the nature of that love changed for Cas, it never did for Dean and was CANONICALLY UNREQUITED because Dean was incapable of loving anyone else as much as he loved Sam. All that mattered to Dean, even when he saw other characters as "family" was still Sam…ALWAYS Sam, every step of the way. Again for those who have too much Misha shaped wax in their ears, that’s canon. Whether people choose to see that love platonically or romantically is up to them, soulmates don't always have to be romantic, either way, brotherly love won out above all else on the show. No amount of Misha screaming ‘hey look, Destiel!’ changed that, but it sure didn’t stop him trying, did it?

So now that the obvious has been stated, here's something else we all know - never once in all of the years on the show did Misha drop rallying of the troops to his precious, ego stroking ship. Never once (that I am aware of) has he called out his Minions and Hellers on their continued harassment of everyone involved in the show and other fans despite the fact that they have bullied, victimised and wished bodily harm, rape and death on people who don't see their ship and because didn't get the ending to the story that they wanted. Not once has Misha shown any remorse for the trauma his "fans" have caused, and I’m taking REAL trauma, here, not the kind Twitter stans see as ‘triggering’ - people have been driven to close SM accounts, attempted, and in some cases succeeded in taking their own lives. These Minions have openly mocked Jared’s struggles with depression and anxiety, and Misha - who claims to be friends with J2 and be supportive of them in every way - has stood by and let it all play out, knowing full well some of the goings on, if not the full extent of how toxic these people are. We know he sees things being said online, and I have absolutely no doubt he spends time online searching his name for things that are relevant in some way to him in an effort to insert himself into a current conversation, or even start one so that attention is on him. Gotta stay relevant, somehow, right, Mish?

He has actively encouraged bullying by his actions of enabling the behaviours above, both by the flogging of the aforementioned dead horse, AND by not objecting to unacceptable behaviours. Remember when Minions and Hellers were slating J2, particularly Jared, for not posting on SM about BLM and other topics? Yeah, he didn’t ask them to stop doing that, either, even when he was tagged in things along the lines of ‘If Misha can post why can’t J2?’ etc. There have been some token protests, con vids I've seen have show his 'objections' which IMO have been done in a very tongue in cheek way, meaning that those people who needed to be pulled aside and told to change their ways just carried on, because their evil overlord didn’t explicitly explain it in terms a three year old could understand that bullying and forcing your opinion on others is WRONG. Not all of his cult are young and impressionable, not by a long shot, but many of the more vocal and vitriolic ones are.

As a father himself I wonder what Misha would do if he found out that his kids were behaving in ways his Minions are? I’m aware they’re young, but kids are cruel and bullying doesn’t just happen online. Even at whatever age they are, would he laugh it off the way he appears to have done with all of this fandom toxicity? Not bloody likely! I wonder if he’s as desperate to gain the approval of his family, friends and colleagues as he appears to be for that of his Minions/Hellers? I would certainly hope so, but that question can only be answered by Misha, himself, and I can and will not presume to speak on someone else's behalf on things in their personal life. For the record I would never presume I know what J2's answers would be on anything, however I do feel that after 15 years I have an accurate gauge on what kind of people they are so would be confident that any opinion I had on a matter aligns with their morals and ethics. As much as J2 have shared of themselves with us - willingly and under no pressure to do so, I might add - we don't *know* them, but we know enough to have an informed opinion. I can’t say the same for Misha because based on the behaviour he’s repeatedly displayed, things I've heard about from other fans as well as people I know IRL who have had direct dealings with him through cons or GISH (including some very actively in the early days when it was GISHWHES) he just hasn’t seemed like a person I wanted to follow on SM. I’ve never watched any of his solo panels, though I have watched ones with both or one of the J's, mostly being left irritated because of his behaviour. Watching the J’s put up with that shit is painful, and it’s a testament to how good they are as actors that they managed to hide at least some of their disdain for as long as they did. Microexpressions give them away, particularly Jensen, and they certainly have faces I have spent many years watching closely. Beautiful faces to go with beautiful souls, both of them! <3

I have precisely ZERO interest in Destiel as a ship, very little interest in Cas as a character anymore (though I did like him in the early days,and his relationship with Jack in late seasons) so I have absolutely no reason or desire to follow anything Misha does. That said, I've obviously been peripherally aware of some things he's been involved in because of friends, from things I’ve seen on SM and general fandom stuff. Despite the things I've already mentioned about his behaviour, up until now I have been able to maintain a level of respect for him as a person because of the humanitarian and charity work he's done. He seems like someone who really does want to change the world for the better and I am in full support of that fact, so much so that I have supported TWO campaigns relating to him. I bought one of the Super Good t-shirts for the campaign he did with Michael Sheen (a true angel!), the SPN/Good Omens x-over to help homeless charities, and I chose the design with text only and not artwork of Michael and Misha on, basically because I didn’t want to be wearing something with Misha’s face on it and I make absolutely no apology for that, whatsoever. I also bought Alex's #TheEndHasNoEnd shirt, which some of the profits went to Random Acts who do great work, so again, despite not liking Misha I still willingly contributed for a cause bigger than me, and to support Alex, who I absolutely ADORE. I'm aware that Stands aren't popular with some of the fandom, however since most of the cast of SPN are happily affiliated with them then I don't feel it's my place to either judge, or to discuss topics I know next to nothing about. But I digress, as a decent human being I have shown support tangentially to a man who I don't care for out of respect for the work he does outside the fandom. Telling you this isn’t to paint myself in a good light - I don’t need your approval, I’m a big girl, unlike some I don’t need constant validation! - only to provide background on how I’ve actively *not* hated on Misha.

Now though, any respect I had for him has come to an abrupt end, the events of the past 24 hours has seen to that. Whilst I have been annoyed at his behaviour in regards to shipping, I don't feel it's ever gone this far, or at least not that I've seen first hand. This man has, IMO, contributed to so much toxicity in the fandom by way of things I've mentioned before, he's claimed - without actually saying the words - that Wincest fans weren't interested in him as a character when he came onto the show, and hasn’t felt included because of the fans’ love of the brothers. Um, hate to break it to you, love, but when you come onto an established show that is about two people, and you’re a *guest star* you can’t expect everyone to love you. Some characters we as individuals do fall in love with straight away (Bobby, Charlie, Crowley and Rowena are good examples for me), it takes time to establish a dynamic, so if that’s how he felt then it was incredibly naive of him as an actor to expect instant acceptance from anyone. Also, why wait until after the show finished to bring it up AGAIN … oh wait, yeah, that would be to step back into the limelight in a way intended to garner sympathy from Minions and INTENTIONALLY piss off bro fans and Wincest shippers alike? How fucking self centred, desperate and disrespectful do you have to be to shit all over the finale of a show that for the most part accepted you and kept you in paid work for 12 years? Well, Misha Collins levels of all of those things, obviously.

So, on the topics of self centred, desperate to stay relevant, attention seeking and being oh so needy, the tweet yesterday from Amazon mentioned Castiel. He wasn’t tagged in it, so I refer to my earlier comment about searching online, because how else would he have possibly seen that? It’s possible someone sent it to him, I appreciate that, but if we go off past behaviour it’s not any stretch at all to believe that didn’t happen. So, once again, having seen the tweet he took it upon himself to - oh so predictably - turn it into something relating to Destiel. When I saw it I immediately rolled my eyes and thought ‘here we go again’, but then also had a little smile because I really liked the fact that he explicitly mentioned Wincest, therefore seeming to accept that his poor old dead horse wasn’t the only one in the race. I actually mentally tipped my hat to him then because it appeared that he’s matured enough to acknowledge by name the ship that predates his inclusion on the show. Great, I thought, this is a positive thing in a sea of negativity surrounding the man and his sunken ship, because what followed was Wincest trending in the US (it may also have been other countries as well but I had to sleep!) … largely due to the fact that Hellers were responding to it, calling him out on mentioning the dreaded ‘W’ word. I’ll repeat that because it’s been a rare occurrence up to that point… the Minions were actually disappointed with their overlord for mentioning another ship. We all know what they think of it and I for one, don’t give a flying fuck about their opionion. Ship and let ship, it’s all fun (or meant to be) so we have different tastes, that’s life kiddiwinks, deal with it. I mean, you really don’t have much of an example set for you when your king has proven several times over to be one of the biggest obnoxious brats out there, but just give it a try for your own sakes, yeah? Awesome, good on you, besties!

An unexpected development - to my joy and that of other Wincest shippers - them doing that got the topic trending, only *kept* trending by the fact that were all coming online asking why it was trending. Wincest shippers barely lifted a finger, we just flooded each other’s timelines with lovely content and basked in the Hellers - and Misha - shooting themselves in the foot, which was awesome. But did the vitriol stop? No. Did he get the attention he so clearly craves? Yes. Was it in the way he wanted? Fuck no, so poor, emotionally wounded baby backtracked after seeing that his name was trending alongside Wincest because that’s *so* not what someone narcissistic to do it in the first place, wanted.

Now here’s where I could easily have just moved on with an unusually fond chuckle, giving him an ironic pat on the back and a ‘thanks, Misha’ for being the one to instigate hours of fun, but once again his despicable behaviour made that impossible. It’s been more than obvious for many years that he cares more about what his fans think than anything else to do with the show and the fandom in a larger sense, but to delete the tweet and APOLOGISE for daring to be so insensitive to the snowflakes’ delicate sensibilities for mentioning Wincest in the first place was absolutely disgusting. Stating , “I used a term that I had never really given any thought to other than, "that's a thing?! Yuck." is not only complete and utter bullshit, it’s pandering of the highest order.

We all know he has referred to Wincest on multiple occasions, so to say he hadn’t thought about is a flat out lie, which IMO is an insult to everyone, not just Wincest shippers. Does the man have no self respect at all, why would you contradict yourself in the face of such overwhelming evidence? Instead of either ignoring all the people calling him out, or addressing it with another tweet saying ‘yeah, that happened’ or something similar he chose, I repeat, CHOSE the route of claiming he didn’t realise he was being offensive to people who felt ‘triggered’ by him using the word Wincest. He basically shat all over an entire ship and large sector of the fandom in an attempt to appease his own fan base which consists of a lot of children (or those that act like children) who have no idea what RL is like.

Once again, he’s reinforced the idea that if you shout loud enough at someone just because you don’t like something they said, they will back down and apologise for something even when there’s nothing to apologise for. If he wants to be such a role model then he could easily have pointed out that a fictional ship doesn’t condone RL incest, any ACTUAL trauma people have suffered because of RL situations, and made an effort to make sure people understand that. He COULD have used it as an opportunity to do some good in the fandom by encouraging people to build bridges, to accept that people are entitled to their beliefs and that sometimes we see things differently but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t treat others with BASIC HUMAN DECENCY because of it. Instead he YET AGAIN chose to show that he cares more about what Minions think of him, keeping them onside to constantly stroke his unbelievably fragile ego in everything he does.

It is my understanding that Misha is big on (or claims to be big on) putting positive energy out into the world, treating people with respect, helping others and accepting people for who they are, not who you want them to be… all this after YEARS of consistently practising what he preaches only when it suits him. He sends out a message that it’s perfectly OK to bully, to spread hate, to draw attention to yourself at the cost of others, to throw colleagues and friends under the bus and at the same time use them to further your own agenda and get hits for your YouTube channel. Is this really the legacy he wants to leave? Is this an environment he wants his own kids to grow up in as well as future generations? Is this what he thinks is a valuable contribution as a human being? JFC, the arrogance, hypocrisy and the need for constant validation this man exhibits is nothing short of cringeworthy… actually it’s beyond that. It’s deplorable behaviour, it’s not new, and he will continue to act like this for as long as he’s being enabled and this harmful cycle needs to end.

I have friends IRL and online who are (now, possibly, were) big Misha fans, who have supported him from either the beginning of his run on the show, or since they started watching, and this is how he repays this behaviour? He’s willfully alienating decent people (including multishippers) all to make himself look good by being seen to do everything he can not to offend people. Spoiler alert, you DID offend people, you continue to do so time and again and we’ve had enough. I can’t imagine how exhausting it must be to be such a perpetual people pleaser, but let me say it’s not doing you any favours in any way, shape or form.

Misha, you are *not* a role model, you’re *not* someone to look up to when you can't live up to the ideals you preach. You’re spitting in the face of people who have supported you even after some questionable things in the past, who gave you the benefit of the doubt because we’re all human and we all make mistakes. The key to growing as a person is not to keep repeating the same mistakes over and over, understanding *why* what you said and/or did was a mistake and making a concerted effort to make changes. I don’t ever see you doing that, you will continue down this path of only caring about Minions under the guise of caring for people in general. You are transparent, you are sad and despite the fact I’ve never particularly liked you, I didn’t speak up because I didn’t want to get involved in the drama. Well now I have spoken up and I’m saying you’re a disgrace, you have no respect for other people and nobody is fooled anymore. If it hadn’t been this tweet it would have been something else, but I for one am glad it happened so soon after the show ended so we can finally be rid of the limpet-like behaviour. It’s over, let it go for the sake of what dignity you might have left, for the sake of your family and friends and for the sake of anyone who isn’t capable of seeing through your ‘it’s a joke’ mentality.

You have been weighed, you have been measured and you have been found wanting. Fuck you and the horse you rode in on, Misha.

For anyone who made it to the end of my ramble, thank you. This has been a cathartic exercise and I’m drawing a line under it now, I don’t think I could possibly make my thoughts any clearer. I urge you not to get caught up in any petty squabbles with his Minions, let’s celebrate J2 and other cast and crew members who have shown us all respect and who I am proud to call part of the SPN family. There’s always one member of the family who needs to be frozen out for the good of everyone else.

#ficforthought speaks #sorry not sorry #i spent way too long on this #purging the poison

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theriu · 3 years

Text

Grace vs Works

The Bible tells us in no uncertain terms that we are saved by grace, not by works. (Ephesians 2:4-10) This means that Jesus did ALL the saving, and NOTHING we do can earn or “improve on” His gift of forgiveness and salvation from sin. We have only to accept His gift and give Him our hearts.

(For clarity, “grace” means the giving of good things that are not earned or deserved by the person receiving them. “Mercy” is withholding punishment or consequences that ARE deserved.)

But at the same time, Jesus makes it clear that Christians SHOULD do good works. In fact, He tells a story of the end of time, when those who did good would be rewarded while those who did not “never knew me.” (Matthew 25:31-46) We as Christians are expected to do His will, which means good works of kindness, compassion, love, justice, etc.

This often raises the question: how can both of these things be true?

Here is a simplified explanation that I hope will help clarify this important issue for someone:

- If you are doing good works AS A DEMONSTRATION OF YOUR LOVE AND GRATITUDE FOR CHRIST AND HIS SAVING WORK, that is a natural byproduct of faith. When we truly have faith in the Lord, He changes our hearts to be more like His, and that means an increasing desire to do good for others and share His love. Think of a child doing the dishes or weeding the garden for their mom or dad, just to surprise them and see them smile after coming home from a long day’s work. Their reward is pleasure at the happiness they brought the person they love. This is the kind of good work God calls for us to do, and He delights in helping us do them!

But if we DON’T do good works, if we simply don’t care and treat Christ’s salvation as a Get Out Of Jail Free card, this is a massive red flag that our faith is not genuine. We may claim to be a Christian but not have the salvation that comes from surrendering our lives to Christ and accepting our need for His forgiveness. If we claim we are saved but care nothing about our Savior and His commands, we have not actually accepted the grace that saves us. We are no better off than those who honestly declare they don’t believe in God - in fact, our self-delusion may mean we are worse off than them.

- If you are doing good works TO EARN CREDIT OR DEBT FROM GOD OR SOCIETY, you are not demonstrating faith. This is the kind of toxic do-goodness that only focuses on YOU. This person EXPECTS God or people to admire and praise and bless them - to be seen as better than other people - and if they don’t get those results, they are angry and resentful. They may act kind and holy, but they are motivated by sinful pride.

Or there are those who may do public good to cover up less visible sins in their lives, like tithing extra while verbally abusing the family at home, or volunteering for nursery duty while spreading vicious gossip - or performing the works of a pastor while committing adultery with a church member. Think of a child who is always sweet when the adults are around so that the adults won’t believe it when other kids say that child is mean and nasty to them.

Those who do good works for these reasons are showing a LACK of faith in Christ as their Lord and Savior, the master of their lives. They show a lack of recieving God’s saving grace, and will find that the “debt” they thought God owed them is worthless at Heaven’s gates. The state of our hearts might be hidden from other people here on Earth, but it will be laid bare for all to see when we meet God face to face.

- I want to add something for those like me, who may love the Lord but worry they aren’t “doing enough” to show it. First, let me assure you that the fact you even HAVE that desire to do better is a sign of the Lord’s work in your life! Someone at bible camp told me that as a kid, and it has been a source of comfort to me for years, even when I struggle.

Please understand that only the Holy Spirit can make the changes in our hearts that are needed to make our feelings line up with the good works He calls us to do. We can’t force our subconscious selves to be naturally more godly or patient or faithful than we currently are; only the Holy Spirit can do this. But there are two ways we can help:

First, we can ask the Lord to change our hearts so that we WANT to do the things we know we should be doing! I have found this really does help! God delights in answering prayers for better heart motives and stronger faith and more wisdom. The answer may not always come in the form we expect (and the answer may be harder to deal with than we want), but He WILL give us opportunities and guidance and STRENGTH to develop these good things in our hearts! When we choose to trust the Holy Spirit to make these changes in our hearts, we give Him room to do what He already wants to do for us!

Second (but this is really just an extension of the last point), we can choose to DO the good things, even when we don’t feel like doing them. Because sometimes we think we have to “feel” a certain way to do good, or that a good work doesn’t count if our feelings don’t line up. C.S. Lewis talks about this in his book Mere Christianity: it is the act of putting on the mask of Christ, “pretending” to be like Him. Not pretending as those doing good works for praise pretend, but pretending to OURSELVES. We pretend we ARE more patient, and act more patient towards those who annoy us. We pretend we ARE more helpful, and act like a helpful person. And if we do this long enough, we will find that our faces have “grown to fit the mask” - we will become more like Christ simply by acting like Him and letting the Holy Spirit make what started as pretend become a reality.

I hope this is helpful to someone out there! I am not a Bible scholar or anything so formal, but I’ve found that the Lord grants understanding at unexpected times and in unexpected ways, and He can use any of us. Keep going strong!

If you aren’t a Christian but are thinking about it, or if you have always thought yourself a Christian but wonder if you actually have submitted to Christ as God and accepted His salvation, please reach out. I am happy to try and help, and there are many places online and IRL with people and resources that God can use to get you the answers you need. And above all, read His Word and pray for His help. I promise you that He will give it. =)

#grace #God #Jesus #encouragement #river writes #mercy #love #bible #verses

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radical-brownie · 3 years

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Are you friends with any TIMs or TIFs? Are they really that crazy?

Oh I’m friends with a few TIFs, and I’ve dealt with my fair share of TIMs as well

My friends aren’t very unpleasant people or else I wouldn’t be friends with them, in fact the majority of them were people I knew before they identified as transgender. So it was more like watching them slowly descend into gender madness, but they’re aware of my ideas too so if we weren’t friends from before they probably wouldn’t have stuck around. It’s something we joke about occasionally, just having rapidly different views and all. I know they’d never want to speak to me about their gender troubles considering I wouldn’t nearly give them as much validation as their other friends which although makes me feel a tiny bit sad that I can’t be for them with All of their struggles, but its better than me feeding into something which I know may be harmful to them or be a harmful mindset.

TIFs in general (including my friends) all have had either a large amount of internalized misogyny and this immediately reflects in the way they treat or perceive other women after becoming more masculine or “passing” better, or have had something happen to them (whether online or irl) which made them feel like they were never women at all, this doesn’t apply to all of them (just my personal observation)

I’m sure there are some transmascs who are just enjoying the idea of being a man and not hurting anyone (other than themselves i assume?) but yeah, the ones without dysphoria annoy me the most because its really just them running away from the idea of being a woman at all, or those “trans people can be gnc!” posts, those just get me confused on what they even want.

Some TIFs will go through a “not like other girls” phase, which trans ideology eats up like breakfast, and so they decide they’re not a girl at all, or because of the internet, majority of the girls i meet who end up being groomed, flirted with by someone they weren’t interested in, or even sexualized (irl or online doesn’t matter in this instance since it happens in both), they try to escape that they’re a target.

I don’t talk about myself much but I struggle with dysphoria a lot, and before I found radical feminism, I thought I was trans for wanting to escape all my internal thoughts of how a woman should be that were put in my head by the people around me, (being a brown muslim girl specifically didn’t help) and I thought I was somehow different for not enjoying femininity and not liking my body and not wanting to be a baby making machine (since the only women in my life seemed so content with knowing thats all they were supposed to be) but this community really opened my eyes and gave me the courage to realize that I was never different.

Now, I’ve dealt with TIMs, and they really are just as bad as they say. The first one I met was really just role playing as an anime girl whenever he spoke, he had some trauma with his dad which I assume put some ideas of toxic masculinity in his head so thats why he decided he wasn’t a man at all?? Idk i didn’t ask very well but talking to him was extremely uncomfortable. The funniest thing I remember is that he would act so “submissive” to appear more “feminine” with his little stutters in texts and this whole shy persona. And one day I dm’d him and i said “hey, you don’t have to stutter through text, its kind of annoying” (i was 12 at the time mind you, idk how old he was exactly but i think he was 16-18?) and his way of texting immediately changed. He told me to shut the fuck up, and that i had no idea what he had been through and that I shouldn’t comment on anything he does.

Which completely threw me off cause I genuinely thought this guy was supposed to be nice? I didn’t believe for one second that he was a girl with his voice even as a 12 year old on fucking discord but watching him suddenly shift like that was something I remembered later on. I do purposefully avoid TIMs since interacting with them makes my brain fry, I’ve dealt with worse but this was just one mild(?) example, the rest are just misogynistic slurs being thrown at me for speaking up, blatant racism, very defensive behaviour and so on. TIFs are TIMs biggest defenders and I genuinely don’t have any idea why, they say shit like “transmascs have more privilege than transfemmes so check yourself” its hair pulling level stupid.

Thank god I haven’t dealt with anything as crazy as what I’ve seen on radblr but once you’re aware of something you tend to see it everywhere, even in the smallest form, every time I see a trans activism post I’m immediately aware of the extremist lengths a simple instagram post is leading to. Chanting “free2pee” at an lgbt support group isn’t the quirky phrase you think it is, and even if I could answer your question with “oh no, we’re just fear mongering blah blah i love my trans friends” it still wouldn’t dismiss the many other encounters women on radblr have had, they’re in the right for sharing their experiences and boosting the experiences of other women, so my one statement alone shouldn’t exactly be something to fully go off of. You did ask Me this question so yeah I’m just speaking from experience and personal opinion.

#i speak #thanks for asking!#sorry if i get wordy at the end of my answers #i get nervous because i dont wanna answer wrong and ruin someones perception #radfems please touch #terf safe #terfs please touch #radfem safe #radfem #terf #tw grooming #long post

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theyarebothgunshot · 3 years

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(1) anon again! thanks a lot for your answer. :) multi-ask incoming! i suppose i took his tone of 'and there are people who think this is real' as a pretty forward implication of it... well, not being real. this, and the explanation of the clothes. (if you find the receipts, i'd love to see them! it's very cute either way.) i suppose you are entirely right about the fact that they have pointedly never denied this outright, but i also feel like that's some classic trolling by misha? (...)

this got kind of long so i am putting the rest of your asks and my answers under the cut!

(2) like sooo many people i see in this fandom, i have never shipped rpf - and honestly, with cockles, still don't? i just watch some of their interactions and my brain goes ding-ding-ding-ding and i go - what? what is it??? and i can't figure out if i am projecting or seeing things i WANT to see. equally... they are real people and i don't want to be a creep about this. my problem with a lot that i've seen is that some gifs take interactions out of context (...)

(3) i would say probably the biggest problem i have with it is that while some things i genuinely cannot find a het/platonic explanation for, but there are a lot of gifs which have slowed down movements/cherry-picked moments/taken things out of contexts, and feels less flirty when you watch the actual full video(s). so what, out of all this, would you say is the most damning evidence that cockles is an Actual True thing, if you had to pick some select things? :)

(4) okay, last ask! sorry for rambling. on your point of waking up together - i'm not sure of the context, and i don't want to speculate too much on information that we don't have, but if they are staying at a hotel in a city abroad/elsewhere, i figure it wouldn't be too far-fetched for them to share a room with cast mates? so waking up together doesn't necessarily have Those implications? i don't know. thanks for bearing with me!

so first things first: i kind of feel like in the end, if you have seen and read everything there is to see and read when it comes to cockles, and still are not sure about any of it or are inclined to think that it’s not something more than a close friendship, then i’m probably not going to be able to ‘sway’ you. sometimes it is just a matter of difference of perspectives, and that’s fine! however, seeing as you asked this in a way that makes it clear that you are genuinely curious, i obviously will respond.

you are right that what misha said could be implying that it’s not real, but then again: he never outright denied it. neither of them have. i think that a lot of the time misha is very tongue in cheek about it. that doesn’t mean that it’s not real, though.

i understand never shipping real people, and not wanting to feel like a creep. the thing is though: this goes for about 90% of the cockles fandom, too. most of us never shipped irl people before, and we certainly don’t wanna be creeps about it. being creeps about it would be going up to jensen and misha or their loved ones and confronting them with anything cockles related. but the decent people in this corner of the fandom know not to do that, and we merely talk about it with each other online. i personally don’t feel like a creep (not saying that you are implying this btw!) for observing what they put in front of us, time and time again, which they do with the full knowledge that people do in fact ship them.

i see what you mean about some things getting taken out of context, and i’ve seen that too. i agree with you that sometimes people can read into things a bit too much. as to the slowed down gifs, for me personally the faster versions don’t take away what i see in those gifs: it’s intimate body language, whatever way i look at it.

you asked me to pick some moments or facts that make me think that they are actually together, and honestly that is very hard to do. for me, what it comes down to is that, if you take any of these things as a standalone fact, you might be able to explain it away. but when you combine all of it together - and trust me, it’s a lot. just ask my best friend who has had to listen to me talk about them for two full nights - i can’t see the picture that it paints as anything other than: they have (or at the very least have had in the past) an intimate relationship with each other.

that being said, these are the things that stand out the most for me:

the way they look at each other, but especially the way jensen looks at misha at any given time. that is the look of a man who adores the person he is looking at. the way that nobody else can make him laugh like misha, for the stupidest fucking shit. when they think about each other/talk about each other, they get this soft look on their faces that honestly is nothing like how i talk about any of my close friends. i once saw a comparison vid of jensen talking about danneel and jensen talking about misha and he had the same look on his face. the fact that jensen flirted with danneel by making her laugh on set, making kissy faces, which is something that he also did with misha. the fact that jensen gave him his ring. i literally for the life of me cannot think of a platonic reasoning for this.

the fact that they remembered and went back to a restaurant they were at 10 years ago, sat at the exact same table, and took selfies both of those times, and then posted it at a random date as a throwback to ‘10 years ago’ even though at the moment the first picture was taken, they had already known each other for a year and a half. so clearly, that night was special for them. special enough to remember the exact same table, special enough that they felt the need to go back there, and to share it with us. the background of those pictures is the same background as the picture jensen posted of him and danneel on their first holiday together. clearly both of those occasions were very important to him. important enough to post about.

something that i know might seem kinda shady and not totally trustworthy, is the fact that i’ve seen multiple people mention that they have information that they would never share online (because they don’t want to put jensen and misha in a compromising position) but the information in question confirmed it for them. obviously people could be lying or could be jumping to conclusions, without said information we can never know for sure, but i can’t help but feel like there probably is a truth to it.

and i know this is a very recent one, but: ‘mish. dee.’ the two most important people in his life, who i am sure he would have addressed as mish & dee if he could have. obviously i could mention a lot more things, but i think these are some of the things that stand out to me the most.

as for the hotel situation at cons: i honestly have no clue, but i kind of feel like they are big enough stars to have their own hotel rooms. but like i said, i do not know at all. i guess it’s possible that they have to share. who knows!

sorry this got so long lmao but i hope that it made some sense. i don’t have any receipts unfortunately because i kept deleting things i already shared with my best friend in order not to get confused sjdfhs but you’ll have to believe me that i found all of this information on tumblr. anyways feel free to drop by any time!

#cockles #cockles meta #Anonymous

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textpost-ronpa · 3 years

Text

Hey, guys. Hope you don't mind if I just shake my fist in the air for a while.

While I don't consider myself to be an attention seeker (nor do I hope I come off as one), I've always have this nagging feeling that if I don't have a large enough amount of people supporting me, I'm nothing more than just a worthless existence. Much of it can be stemmed from my past; being kicked in the stomach for 20 years convinced that all I'm meant to do is sit home alone and never show myself to anyone.

Even before I decided to take up writing as a career, I've always thought of being some kind of content creator or Internet personality. Didn't matter what it was or what I did; just anything to get positive attention and be seen as more than just some rando on the Internet. I'm no artist or musician or streamer; I lack the talent and equipment to do any of that, and I can't bring myself to take any financial risks during the pandemic to buy the equipment. Then there's the fact that I am practically shamed and mocked by my own family (who I'm stuck w/ during the pandemic) if I do anything even remotely creative.

On the other hand, I have ideas of what I can do; right now, I've gone back to using MMD, and I've started telling stories via RPG Maker. I’ve also got a whole cast of OCs that I wanna share w/ others. You may notice that I haven't explicitly mentioned writing because let's face it; in this day and age, who even fucking cares about reading words on a page anymore, let alone an original story? Even when I've got things that I genuinely love doing, there will always be a lingering thought of "It's not enough, and it'll never be enough", meaning that even if I do someday have the courage to share things I've spent a long time on, it'll all be for nothing as it'll get maybe just a handful of people's eyes if I'm lucky enough.

Truth be told, the fact that I have more than even 1K followers on this blog feels so undeserved. Don't get me wrong; I greatly appreciate having followers and I genuinely enjoy doing this. Thing is, I don't want this to be all I'm known for; when compared to others, it feels like I'm just not doing anything special or unique. Then there's always this conflict in my mind. On one hand, I wish to share other things I do w/ other people, but I have to do it here since very few people follow my main or my writing blog. On the other hand, I just don’t want it to feel like I’m obligating people to pay attention to me; I can’t just force or pressure them like, “Hey, if you care about me you’ll check out this thing that you may only have a slight interest in!” This isn’t even a financial thing (at least for now); it’s just a strong desire to feel at least wanted by people.

On that note, I feel compelled to apologize if it seems like I’m using you guys for validation or to bring attention for other things in my life. I genuinely wanted this blog to focus strictly on Danganronpa, and I always feel bad when I bring other things into it as it’s currently my best chance at catching someone’s eye when I want another opinion. I’m super sorry for anything that makes me seem like an attention whore. It’s a terrible habit for me both online and irl, and it’s something I really want to work on via therapy or something.

- Mod Tsumiki

#admin post #mod tsumiki #serious post #now to figure out what to do

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aegialia · 3 years

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self-indulgent reflection on being on tumblr

so i recently hit 1000 followers on here and this blog has existed for almost exactly 8 years, so i wanted to ramble about tumblr and my experience of it for awhile. under the cut so definitely feel free to ignore this.

i started this blog right around when i was fourteen and had just started high school. at that point, i was out to my parents (and no one else) as bi, i had an inkling i was Struggling with something but i had no idea what and felt like i couldnt actually acknowledge it, and i had left leaning but very vague politics. tumblr definitely has shaped my journey around sexuality/gender/mental health/politics, both for good and for ill.

for good:

seeing other ppl talk about being lesbians helped me realize i could be a lesbian w/o being a traitor to the concept of bisexuality. hearing trans ppl talk about their experiences and explaining non-binary stuff and dysphoria helped me understand what i was going through

i don’t like talking about my mental health stuff in detail on here, but suffice to say, i was Going Through it in high school. i’m still going through it now, but i am in a much better place (thank you medication and 7 years of therapy!). seeing ppl talk about the weird, dumb, awful parts of mental illness let me acknowledge that i was going through those things too, that i wasnt like evil for feeling like that, that i could change. people talking about adhd/autism was particularly helpful---being able to identify why i’d always felt like my brain just didn’t work right is the first step in the (ongoing) process of not hating myself for the way my brain works

politics is definitely the area where i think tumblr was the best for me. i got exposed to so many opinions i definitely wasn’t hearing in school, from intelligent, well-read people who could articulate theory in ways i could understand. tumblr didn’t give me my politics and i didn’t learn everything i know about theory from it, but the communities of people i was around pointed me in the right directions. tumblr was also a good place to learn how to react to criticism. this doesn’t seem to be most people’s experience, but getting called out over minor things on tumblr genuinely helped me learn how to take a step back, look at my behavior, apologize, and try to change, which, as it turns out, is a helpful skill irl as well

for ill:

wrt sexuality and gender, it’s probably pretty obvious someone who’s journey is ‘cis bi girl -> cis with a million different microlabels -> nb w a million different microlabels for both sexuality and gender -> nb butch lesbian who’s not super into romance’ would have some bad times on tumblr. the bi circles i was in made being a lesbian seem like an immoral choice, the ‘’’mogai’’’ (or whatever u wanna call them) circles made me feel like i had to divy up and perfectly label every aspect of myself in a way that really wasn’t helpful for me, the lesbian circles i was in made me feel like being a lesbian was about ending up in a monogamous butch/femme cottagecore relationship and that there was something wrong with me for not really wanting that. to be clear i think microlabels can be very helpful for people/a monogamous butch/femme relationship is a perfectly fine thing to want, they just didn’t work for me. im very very glad ive reached a point in my life where i dont feel the need to stay up to date on the latest discourse and am more focused on finding a way to exist that is comfortable for me and supporting my community irl. 10/10 would recommend to everyone

not going to get deep into it, but social media is. not good for my brain in general. i still enjoy using tumblr, but these days im pretty careful to step back from it frequently and treat it as an occasional hobby.

the cons of political stuff on tumblr are probably also very obvious. there are some just awful discussions on here and the culture surrounding the way we handle bad behavior and justice and accountability and working to become a better person and make up for the harm you’ve caused has historically been fucking awful and trying to unlearn it and find new ways to engage with this stuff is exhausting.

for all that i’ve changed over the course of having this blog, this blog has stayed pretty fucking static. i started out being super into diana wynne jones and the iliad and those are still two of my biggest interests and things i talk about the most on here. there are definitely specific things that have petered away (i started this blog almost entirely to keep up with good omens fan stuff and i pretty much haven’t touched it since the miniseries came out, i haven’t sought out pacific rim/supernatural/elementary/mcu content in years), but im still pretty much interested in the same things. i like relatively small fandoms, i like weird side characters, i like to be a grumpy child playing with my toys in the corner. when a fandom im in gets popular, i tend to stop engaging with it entirely (hello rqg/tma/good omens/enola holmes!). i dont think its a pretentious ‘i liked it before it was cool’ thing so much as a ‘people get Weird and awful when a fandom hits a certain level of popularity and there’s too much content and i really, really hate the bad faith arguments larger fandoms tend to spawn’ thing. i’ll consume content from big fandoms, but i pretty much refuse to actually engage with them at this point.

one of the stranger parts of my experience of tumblr is the social side. i’ve never really known how people make friends online---how do you go from liking each other’s posts and occasionally replying to them to actually being friends who communicate off social media? i’ve had conversations with ppl on tumblr and i’ve had sort-of friendships that are contained to tumblr where i’d like to get to know them better, but i’ve never figured out how to do that. my best friend’s job is pretty much to make friends/connections on the internet (she’s an activist and artist), my dad knows people everywhere in the world from twitter, and i’m just sitting here like a little old grandpa who doesn’t understand how you can have internet friends.

at this point in my life, i’m fine with this, but this has made me feel real fucking bad in the past---like, if everyone online, even the ppl who say they’re weird and brainbad in a similar way to me, can make friends on the internet, what’s wrong with me? particularly in high school and my first year of college, when i was just horribly lonely all the time, it made me feel super disconnected and like there was something fundamentally bad about me. these days, i’m a lot chiller about it. i use social media to engage with stuff i enjoy and share my thoughts about it. it’s okay that my social difficulties extend to me not knowing how to use the internet to socialize.

on a somewhat related topic, it’s wild that i have 1000 followers. obviously, that’s not an actually super large number and a huge number of them are probably bots or inactive. if you post consistently for eight years and follow lots of people, like i do, it’s not a surprise to end up with this many followers. it is also, thankfully, the sort of followers that are not fans. probably most ppl following this blog dont remember why they followed and dont know anything about me or my interests. this sounds like its meant to be depressing but it’s not. i like that my way of engaging w the internet lets me do pretty much whatever i want and no one will care. the mere concept of being. like. tumblr famous in any capacity, even just in one community/fandom, is viscerally horrifying to me.

i really enjoy the space i’ve created for myself on here. on one hand, going back through my blog is obviously embarrassing and full of hating my past self. on the other hand, i now have a very nice collection of things i enjoy in this blog. i like seeing what i’ve been interested in and (when i’m in a good mental health place) i like to be able to remember how i thought and talked about the things i loved when i was younger. im not at the place in my life where i can love a younger version of myself, but sometimes i can laugh at zir with a level of fondness.

i’ve always been paranoid about sharing details about my life on here (and the fact that my parents have always been able to see it certainly contributed), so the version of jack on here is a carefully curated version, who’s super enthusiastic about the things they love, was very conscientious about apologizing and trying to do better when ze messed up, and tried to be polite to others. that’s a younger version of myself that i’m closer to being able to have compassion for than the version i find in essays and poems and memories.

i’m starting grad school in ten days and i’m still using the blog i started when i began high school. tumblr has helped me in a lot of ways and hurt me in a lot of ways, but i still have to admit that it’s been a significant factor in shaping me. i’d be incredibly embarrassed to admit that irl, but it’s true. other than my family and like one friend, this blog is one of the only things that’s ‘known’ me since i started high school. i’ve changed so much in that time and im glad to have this weird little record of myself throughout those changes, even if i’d probably warn my younger self away from tumblr if i could go back in time.

tl;dr i have had a mixed experience on tumblr and i have mixed feelings about that experience. no idea if anyone read any of this very long, very rambling internet memoir

p.s. fun facts about this blog:

i’ve never changed my icon or blog title

i recently got a second version of the poster i got my blog title from. i chose my blog title by looking at what was hanging on the wall directly in front of me.

my original url was gloomthkin. this was not, as you’d probably assume, an otherkin thing. i had literally no idea what otherkin was at that point. i’d just learned the word gloomth from a bill bryson book and thought it would be cool n edgy to be the child of the quality of gloom. i changed my url after i learned what otherkin was and realized everyone probably assumed something about me that wasn’t true which i hated (not bc i had an issue w otherkin, just bc i don’t like ppl thinking untrue things about me)

during my good omens days, i once sent a tumblr ask to nail guyman which, in retrospect, was kinda rude. i stand by the content but id never send an ask like that now. he replied to it privately in a way that so deeply embarrassed and shamed 15 year old me that i’ve never gotten over it. i still get nervous and embarrassed when i see anything about him or his books

#gloomth and circumstance #this is definitely not required reading!#i just felt like rambling for a very long time about my feelings and my blog #w bonus blog trivia at the bottom that amuses me and probably no one else

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moons-and-stars-and-shit · 3 years

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Hiya love!! CONGRATULATIONS ON ALL YOUR FOLLWERS BBYYYY!! 🥳🥳🥳 IM SO PROUD OF YOU!! I HAVENT BEEN FOLLOWING YOU FOR THAT LONG BUT I CANT WAIT TO SEE YOU GROW. You deserve it all and more.

If it's still open, is it okay if I get a kinnie coldbrew please? And thank you in advance.

I'm really introverted and hate social interactions and meeting new people, even online

And I hate going outside in public

I just dont know how to make friends or even talk to people without panicking

I see the people around me having online friends and I'm sat there like how??? I just about have irl friends

It takes me a long long time to get used to people and even start thinking about opening up to them

All of my friends are people I've knows for a good 6/7 years, I hate being introduced to new people

I hate havinh big groups of friends as well

Usually whenever my friends go out I tend to avoid it, but when I do I'm usually at the back walking by myself

I just withdraw myself when in big groups and just become invisible

But in small groups of like 3 people or just me with someone else I thrive

My friends think they know me really well, but it's one of them ones where I mask my true emotions and feelings with waffle

It's not that I dont trust them, I just dont want to share my feelings with anyone or talk about myself, usually I just make jokes

I grew up in an environment where I was taught not to cry and not to be emotional, and my mother was very insistent on that, and it just became natural to me. I cant even remember the last time I cried, it was definitely a good 2/3 years ago

I have a lot of patience when it comes to anger, like I dont let it out, sometimes I get really really angry at the littlest things people do, but then it dies down in like 3 seconds. I dont know how to explain it, but it's like a hot flash and then it goes, other times it builds slowly and I just let it fester

But I hate confrontation

Absolutely hate it

I would never actually do anything with the anger or hurt I feel, i just let it sit inside of me and hold it in

People do come to me for advice and help, I wont sugarcoat anything, I'll tell you the honest (and sometimes harsh) truth and then help you get overcome your problem as well

Because of that I can sometimes come across as harsh because i wont bullshit you or beat around the bush if you need me to talk to you like that

I do the absolute most for my friends, I'd drop anything for them if they need help and I often find myself putting their happiness before my own, and lowkey (highkey) it hurts when I dont receive the same energy back, but it's ok we move

I'm usually the one doing all the work in a group presentation, mainly because no one else is bothered to do it, so I just do it all

I do all the work, they present

I dont know how to show the people around me that I love them, even though I really really do

I hate it when people touch me or try to give me hugs and I avoid them

But secretly I yearn for them and I just want someone to cuddle me

But I'm not used to physical affection at all and it really embarrasses me

It's a bit of a sticky one ngl

For me, it's so important to be polite and open minded

I think that's why people come to me for advice and shit, because I suck at comforting people, but I wont judge you at all also because I'm quite approachable as well

Unless you're a trump supporter, then I will roast the living shit out of you

I'm really into literature and reading, whether it be classics, manga, graphic novels, or just normal fiction

I just love reading

And doing anything creative tbh

I read percy jackson when I was young and it basically formed my entire personality

That's where my love for mythology started and over the years its become more refined and I just love it even more

I like to think I'm a nice person

I always try and make people smile and laugh and know that they're loved and acknowledged by me

In stressful situations I find myself being really calm

To the point it looks like I dont care

And I'll tell you that I dont care as well

But on the inside I'm panicking and its eating me up on the inside

I either do one of two things and they're both polar opposites

I either try and resolve it as soon as possible or I ignore it for as long as I can and leave it for future me to handle

It's not very healthy but I'm still here so, I guess it's fine

I dont find myself getting stressed FOR myself that often, if you get what I'm saying

Usually when i feel emotions it's for other people??? Like I'd be stressed for someone else, sad for someone else and angry for someone else, but I'd never really feel something for myself

Yeahh I usually stay calm and nonchalant though

Ahhhh, this is soo longgg, I'm so sorry about that, I just started venting halfway through and forgot that this was an ask. I'm so sorry and I hope you dont mind. Thank you so so much though, I appreciate it a lot. Make sure you're taking regular breaks and drinking lots and lots of water, make sure you're taking care of yourself. Thank you so much xxx 🥰🥰

THANK YOU THANK YOU ❤️

@tsukkispoundlandheadphones

You are a...

Sakusa Kinnie

Similarities

Alright stating the obvious

YOU BOTH HATE PEOPLE TOUCHING YOU

Although it might be for different reasons

That doesn’t change the fact that you both low key hate people

You both hate social interactions

Whether it be online or in person

Being social is just a no go for you two

Your only friends are people who you’ve known for a long time

Cmon

Sakusa’s friend is LITERALLY his cousin

Like FAMILY

You both are very slow to anger

Cant relate

Like when have we EVER seen sakusa get mad at someone

Disgusted with someone sure

But MAD I don’t think so

Blunt bitches

You both are blunt af

You both just tell it as it is

I mean someone has to do it

Ok this is hard to explain cause there’s no evidence behind it...

But he responds to stressful situations JUST like you

Don’t question it to much

It’s just true

Assumptions I Have About You

I’m sorry but your hot

No buts about it

Speaking of

Here 👐 takes some self confidence

You deserve it I promise

LonerTM

How’s being a homebody?

You let people take the lead in most situations

EVEN THOUGH YOU HAVE THE CAPABILITY TO BE A LEADER

Rbf?

Ok we know you don’t like people touching you

But you absolutely HATE strangers touching you

You either genuinely enjoy cleaning

Or you stress clean

Ilysm never change the world needs more sakusas ❤️

200 Follower Event

#haikyuu!!#haikyuu fandom #haikyuu hcs #haikyuu headcanons #sakusa #sakusa kiyoomi #sakusa kin #sakusa kinnie #sakusa Hc #sakusa headcanons

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woogurl · 4 years

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WOOSAN FANSERVICE

what is real and what is not real? now, a lot of people think woosan is fanservice because how obvious and in your face the are. while i do think they do give very obvious fanservice, i believe with my whole heart that their relationship is very genuine.

now let’s discuss fanservice, while i do think every company advises their groups to give fanservice and it’s literally ingrained in their minds(kpop idols) on how to give fanservice. whether it’s sexy dancing, acting cute, or passing along a sheet of paper to a member with your mouth, san constantly exposing his sarms.. these are all clear indications of fanservice. i want to be clear, fanservice in my opinion is always obvious. company’s do not emotionally invest in shipping the way you think they do. because why would they invest on giving obvious hints that their idols are dating? especially in a place like korea? their careers would literally be over. it would literally affect everyone in the group, including them and it would not just ruin the group, but any career path they decide to go in in korea.

so, i’m gonna show you guys the difference between fanservice and genuine reactions when it comes to woosan.

let’s talk about fanservice.

let’s talk about this whole ass VCR that KQ put together for woosan, it’s clearly fanservice, but i thought it was interesting the way they filmed it. the way this was filmed was like, they’re each others others other half. which we know they often say this a lot. so my question is the company capitalizing on their relationship or are they supporting? could be both? now, i know it sounds crazy as the most important thing for every company is to make money. even though this does not exclude KQ, i’ve noticed that ateez has a lot more freedom than other kpop artist. they let them eat as much as they want, they spoil them with presents all the time which is proven with their vlogs. they give their idols freedom to speak on things, like hongjoong really says what he wants. especially when he wants to give atiny a reality check. lol. they also give them creative freedom, allowing hongjoong to speak on such a heated topic like race during his black and white cover is really something. but are they still a company whose best interest is to make money? yes. let’s talk about some other moments during the tour.

these moments were all during the tour, the woosan umbrellas, the hand holding the making hearts with each other and even the most obvious one of all which is the one where they had to promote the hats for the tour and KQ picked woosan to do it. ya’know, very cute, but also clearly fanservice. lol. though, there’s an interesting moment, which i don’t think is fanservice, and that moment was during the time woo hugged seonghwa and jongho was like san’s gonna get jealous, and san was like no no, even tho he looked so jelly(you can find a lot of these moments on the yt channel skzo planet, credit to them, they’re great.) let’s continue. let’s talk about the asmr/lie detector video on yt. which i consider less obvious fanservice because people tend to think these moments are not planned. i know why am i taking the best moments awayyyyyyy. ;c

it’s clear that KQ understands that woosan is the most popular ship, because they have them go on these programs together which highlights their chemistry and interactions together. i think a lot of these moments here are fanservice but i also think they’re genuine. like their moment afterward where they have a deep conversation about their feelings. while i do think the company sets these up to capitalize off their relationship, i don’t think it’s to the point where they give them a script to read and say, “hey, memorize this script” no no. lmfao. if there’s one thing the company’s understand completely is that fans want real human beings. not robots. which is why vlive exist. it’s also one of the reasons kpop is preferred from western pop. they understand that fans love real people and genuine reactions between their fans. so you have to remember that. i think they just seized an opportunity to capitalize off their ship or support, who knows? they seem very grateful towards their company.

here’s the lie detector one, obviously, the company sets these up. which i think is ultimately a fanservicey move. but again, i don’t think the company gives them any script to read these are just their genuine feelings. in which san said woo is his other half and that he would literally give his kidney away for him. the company sets these circumstances up, but they do this to highlight their relationship. the company has them do many things together, but i honestly do not think they force them to pretend to act like bestfriends. i mean that’s just outrageous. lol.

yup, i have to go there, yes, i’m going to take away everything you’ve ever loved away from you, because this is obvious fanservice. the stares, the sexy sexy dancing tHE STARES. listen, these people are well-trained professionals, never forget that. they know what fans want. while i do think this dance is probably the most common of fanservice for woosan stans i don’t think the reactions are fanservice. there’s just some moments where woo gets really shy and flustered. because i do think san makes him genuinely shy because this boy can be very tense and reek of pure devilish and demonic behavior. woo is someone who has a very commanding presence and demanding personality, and he seems fearless and shameless at times, but there are plenty of moments of san making woo completely flustered and nervous with a simple look. which i think is genuine since discomfort is very noticeable because it’s almost always an immediate reaction to something.

now let’s talk about genuine interactions (a lot of these were probably mentioned in my woosan relationship analysis).

let’s talk about their relationship in general, outside the cameras, that already ultimately prove that their relationship isn’t fanservice. now something that we learned a while back during the christmas vlive with the woosansang drama(i’ve done a post about this). is that woo and san hang out so much with each other that the other members are jealous. obviously, this has nothing to do with the company. they just genuinely hang around each other because they like each other. we know this to be true because the members explicitly say this and have mentioned before. i also did a post where woo mentioned san at least 5-7 times during a vlive with jongho.

they literally spent the whole day together guys, like you just don’t spend that much time with somebody you don’t like. there’s a bunch of kpop groups with ships who don’t even hang out in real life. they’re literally hanging out with members you least expect them to be. lmfao. it just shows you that the reality is that most kpop ships are not real. because to me, it’s obvious that they aren’t that close irl and that’s the most important factor here. i wanna talk about some other important moments in the woosansang vlive.

there talking about real circumstances here, and yeosangs grievances with woo, ‘cause he feels sad that yeosang doesn’t hang around him anymore. this happened a few months ago. so don’t worry.

mingi said that this was a private conversation that he had with yeosang, so again these are private matters. just in case you don’t know company’s do not like discord in the group, which is why they freaked out during the recent vlive when mingi didn’t have yeosang’s number even though i don’t even have my siblings number. loool.

this is what yunho said when woo wanted him to go to the bathroom with him, and he was sulky ‘cause he only hung out with san. now let’s move onto how clingy they are.

let’s start with san’s vlog, yes, i said san’s vlog(side eye’s woo).

this vlog, that was supposed to be san’s, included moments with woo, more so than the other members. they even ate together, and they often do eat together from what i can tell. woo says he goes out to eat with san to relieve stress. he also called him during that time on vlive with yeosang to go out with him. which is why i thought the call was genuine, because they always seem to eat together. i mean the call wasn’t even on speaker and the fact that woo used aegyo with him is also telling to me. do you think the company sets them on dinner dates to please the fandom? lol. no there are other moments of them clinging and you can find them throughout my other posts. but i just wanted to stress that they’re not clingy for fanservice, they’re this way because they’re naturally close and intimate in real life. i have never seen a kpop ship share this type of intimacy.

here’s another moment, where they went out to eat together, mind you they were asking seonghwa if he was happy to join them as if they were an already married couple. i wanna add the moments here with seonghwa wanting to join woosan, and them being like “no” or “we’ll think” about it, but i’ll leave that for my woosanhwa analysis.

let’s talk about the fact that they created their own ship name, and them being happy about it because i honestly don’t think that if they were not okay with it and the company was forcing it, they wouldn’t milk it for all it was worth.

let’s talk about the ship name and the thousands of other stuff the’ve come up with. could the company have come up with woosan, possibly, but you can’t convince they sat a round table discussing the thousands of handshakes they’ve come up with. you also can’t convince me that the company made woo go online to find a special meanings for a friend that stays with you forever(amicus ad aras). as i said before the company isn’t as invested as you all may think they are. the second one is literally them introducing themselves as woosan to some poor person recording them. like you can’t tell me that they aren’t proud to be woosan. now i know a lot of people get annoyed on twitter because some fans don’t know how not to mention woo without san when he’s doing a solo live (death stare at those fans). but the thing is it just goes to show that they’re comfortable enough with the ship that people can tell that it’s genuine. are there some moments where they’re uncomfortable sure? but is it the company’s fault. i don’t think so, i think it’s the fans(some shippers) that require them not to be their own person. esp woo.

the stares, to me, the eyes never lie, and most people realize this, even people who’ve only had a gentle bump into the fandom notice the way the look at each other. even in the recent vlive, but you can tell woo tends to avoid san’s stare. even though woo wants to seem comfortable around san to not make it seem obvious, it’s very obvious that he makes an effort not to. i literally had an online friend that ships vkook ask if they were close during the recent vlive because woo never looked at san. xD lol. which is another strong point i want to make. while there are some moments of woo clinging to san on camera. most of the time he does it off camera. i don’t think the company asked to look like they were in love but here we are. one last thing is...

is their trip to jeju, in which seonghwa coicidentally went as well. now this is a family vacation where all the members went with their respective families. now, a lot of you may not know but during a fansign woosan planned a trip to jeju. seonghwa just happened to be there with his family as well. lol. i wanted to mention this because obv the company doesn’t really have any say in the matter. but also because i mean they’re on vacation together. like do you know how many groups are desperate to be on vacation away from each other? lmfao. like nah woosan planned to go on vacation together. while seonghwa talked a lot about it, woo did not and continued brushing it off which makes me wonder....

anyway, that’s it.

oh, here’s a bonus for you greedy ones.

i wanna mention a moment that i thought was interesting. which was a game they played on kbs a few moments ago. they were given a penalty to kiss each other. which is obv fanservice, but i do think reactions matter. as soon as it’s mentioned san’s eyes automatically go to woo? he doesn’t have much time to think about it, his body just reacts, why woo tho hmmm san?

now, i wanna also mention the moment after, which a lot of people were confused by. like why is he touching himself like that so suddenly? lol. so what i think is happening is that san is “preening”. he’s experiencing nervous excitement and he’s stroking himself. when your attracted to someone your skin becomes sensitive. esp your lips and it feels good to touch.

woo also whined and hit mingi out of jealousy. lmfao.

anyway. that’s it.

#ateez #woosan #wooyoung #san #choi san #fanservice #kpop #sanwoo

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jemelle · 4 years

Text

So I’ve been having some Thoughts about tumblr culture and I thought I’d share them. A post like this would normally go on my main, but I want to make it clear that I am speaking to the Criminal Minds community when I say these things.

1. Hate

First, I’m not going to pretend I’m a saint. I have mean, petty thoughts about people all the time; I have mean, petty thoughts about people in the CM fandom. But you know what I never ever do? Send them to that person. The equivalent of anon hate in real life would be like texting people I don’t like insults from a hidden number at random hours. Doesn’t that sound terrifying, and also a lot like harassment?

It’s inevitable, both in person and online, that you won’t like every person you meet. You may dislike someone for completely irrational reasons, or even just get a bad vibe from them. That’s a fact of life, but I cannot stress enough that if that person has not actually done something that harms people, then there’s absolutely no reason to share those opinions, especially with the person themself.

But maybe it’s eating you inside, and you want to scream about how much you hate this person? First, I would suggest unfollowing them. As someone who used to hate-read gossip forums, I can tell you that you will feel so much better when you’re not constantly provoking yourself into negativity. Maybe you’ve unfollowed them but you still see them on your dash and it makes you seethe with rage? The block button is right there, and you’re free to use it for any reason.

Second, share it with an IRL. They probably won’t understand any of the context, but that’s a good thing in this situation. Alternatively, scream into your pillow or the void (https://screamintothevoid.com/) or literally any place other than the face of the person you hate. Besides being just plain mean, I’m also willing to bet that it doesn’t make you feel much better, since so many of you seem to be repeat customers.

I fundamentally believe that most of you are not bad people (and I’m not an optimist, so that’s saying something). I believe that what you’re doing is cruel, but I also think that most of you are capable of remorse.

So I want to remind you that when you send anon hate, those are words you can’t take back. Even if you feel sorry, even if you regret it, those words live on, and all the reassurance in the world from their friends can’t disperse those seeds of doubt. So next time you’ve typed out a malicious ask and are getting ready to hit Send, think about the lasting impact of your actions and disperse your anger in a different way.

tl;dr you can feel angry all you want, but sending anon hate only ends up hurting all parties involved

2. Friendship

This is a little tougher to talk about, because while anon hate is universally maligned, the concept of friendship can get strange on an online platform.

I see those posts that say “if we’re mutuals, I consider you a friend,” and you know what? I think they’re wrong. If we’ve never spoken, you are not my friend. You might become my friend, but you’re not right now, and I think that culture of overfamiliarity leads to a lot of problems.

Just because you send someone an ask or a message does not mean you are automatically friends. It does not entitle you to their time, attention or affection. I know a lot of people use “I love you” casually, but you shouldn’t expect that as a rule. People have a right to be guarded in their interactions, because (and I cannot stress this enough) you are not their friend as soon as you meet them.

Making friends is hard, and I understand that. It can feel like everyone else has an established friend group and you’re just hovering on the outside. I see the anon hate about “cliques” and while I will never tolerate anon hate (see point one), I do understand where that particular piece comes from.

But I think it’s also important to understand that “cliques” are, in reality, just a group of friends. They might enjoy sending each other cute messages or responding to each other’s posts, but they’re not trying to rub it in your face. They genuinely like their friends, and they should be able to express that. If that makes you feel bad about yourself, I might recommend the unfollowing strategy I outlined in point one. Even if you like their content, if their blog is actively making you feel terrible about yourself, it’s probably not a great use of your time

Additionally, I would suggest trying to find your own friends. Doesn’t that contradict your other paragraph? Didn’t you just tell me not to talk to people? Nope. What I said is: don’t start talking to people like you’re already friends. Talk to them like you would any other person you’ve just met. Maybe you’ll come off as a little awkward, but if you and that person really click, it won’t matter.

And you won’t click with everyone. That doesn’t happen in real-life; it doesn’t happen online. Sometimes, you’ll introduce yourself to someone and then the conversation will peter out. Or maybe you’ll just remain friendly acquaintances. (If you’ll indulge me in a little bit of optimism) That’s okay! There are so many awesome people to meet, and just because this person wasn’t the one doesn’t mean that they’re a bad person or that there’s something wrong with you. Move on and keep on trying; it’ll be worth it in the end :)

tl;dr you’re not entitled to anyone’s attention. it can suck sometimes to feel lonely, but the only way to solve that is to meet people. not everyone will be your new best friend, and that’s perfectly fine!

#celie talks #this is literally 1000 words i'm so sorry #i just started writing and couldnt stop #also im going to bed rn #so if this post starts drama i am not ignoring it #i am just sleeping

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morningflames · 4 years

Text

a word of warning

well here’s a post i never thought i’d be making

it’s come to my attention that a Certain Someone is planning on making a comeback to WrA soon and it fills me with nothing short of dread. i spent the day yesterday warning people he terrorized and manipulated that this was happening. you know it’s bad when there’s a literal network of people who share an abuser that have remained in contact for years in the event this happened again.

i am not going to lie and say that making this post does not terrify me but i cannot in good conscience sit back and let him worm his way into the rp scene again and do what he did to me and at least half a dozen others all over again.

to summarize: tarcanus aka tarcanus frostborne is a manipulative, emotionally abusive and predatory individual that should be avoided at all costs.

i am the player behind lyrinel, a former officer of his and someone who was on the receiving end of nearly a years worth of abuse and manipulation. my experiences pale in comparison to those of others who dealt with him and came forward to me after i left his guild, and i cannot speak for anyone who does not feel comfortable coming forward. if you do want to let your voice be heard, feel free to reblog and add your own anecdotes.

my story below the cut.

tw: manipulation, emotional abuse, gaslighting, coercion, grooming

i first joined coram populo in early 2014 after my best friend and fellow survivor (i will refer to her by her character’s name of thradia from here on out) joined the raid team in december of the previous year. we were both just looking for a social place to park our characters and maybe start role playing again, as we hadn’t had a guild or dedicated rp group in a while. things were fine and friendly for the first couple of months, though it’s worth noting that a large part of the office corps had just left or was in the process of leaving when thradia and i joined. we were both 18 at the time.

i made the mistake of reaching out to tarc in the spring, when i noticed him posting to his tumblr about how busy he was. i offered to be an IC assistant of sorts to his character and he was more than happy to toss me into an absolute whirlwind. we still didn’t know much about each other, but in the span of a couple weeks we went from casual contact in guild chat to immensely long (sometimes between 10 and 12 hours) skype calls, constant DMing, and an almost uninterrupted stream of conversation. i was struggling to finish high school at this time (spoiler: i failed to graduate) and found myself suddenly caught in an all-consuming relationship with this man and his guild. from the moment i woke up to the moment i finally hung up and crawled into bed, my time was taken up by tarc and the guild and the game.

i was promoted to officer less than five months after joining the guild. this was overwhelming for a number of reasons, chief among them being the fact that i had never been an officer in a guild like this before and i was very quickly escalated to tarc’s “inner circle.” this was a circle that he evidently didn’t even include his most senior officers in, as he didn’t seem to communicate with them to the extent or abundance that he did with me - and later, when she was ALSO promoted to officer, thradia.

within a few weeks i found myself at the center of dozens of micro-confrontations and venting from tarc about other members of the guild, raid team, and even fellow officers. every time, i would tell him he needed to take it to his co-gm and talk it through with her. she, like him, was a grown woman with a lot more experience and better people skills than me, a teenager barely out of high school, but tarc insisted on beating me over the head with his frustrations and then proceeding to guilt me and tell me i was a terrible friend when i didn’t agree with him or expressed i was uncomfortable being in the center of a vent session that i felt was unwarranted.

tarc was never wrong. he did not apologize. the words “i’m sorry” did not exist in his vocabulary, and if they did, they were almost always followed up with the word “but.” constantly he would be sending multiple messages to me or thradia while we were running events and raids for the guild, ranting about a few particular members that he disliked at the time regardless of how we felt about said members. thradia and i would both be reduced to tears and/or anxiety attacks by his outbursts that all but demanded we take his side even if we didn’t. his feelings and circumstances were paramount. everyone else’s were just inconveniences.

tarc was always the victim. no matter what was going on, no matter who had instigated whatever vein of conversation we were on that had gone awry, he had a way of making you feel like utter shit until you grovelled for his forgiveness, which he rarely gave. instead he would move on without giving any closure or allowing you to discuss your feelings at length. if you tried, you were the insensitive one who he couldn’t go to with his “unfiltered emotions,” which was the entire purpose of his inner circle to hear him say it. i was not allowed to just be his friend or just be an officer, i had to be both and neither at the same time, and it still was not the right course of action. nothing ever was.

tarc was openly manipulative and antagonistic, always citing it as an “inside joke” when called on it. i opened up to him once about my father’s alcoholism and how i was uncomfortable with alcohol culture and being around drunk people. regardless, he would constantly call while drunk (or maybe he was pretending to be to get a rise out of me, i honestly do not know what was genuine and what was put on with him) and make me stay on the call with him for hours. when he was (allegedly) diagnosed with an inability to process certain alcohols that could be life threatening, he continued to drink (or claimed he was drinking) dangerous amounts, which lead to me begging him to stop as i feared for his life. one of the worst anxiety attacks i have ever had was over him endangering his health and me believing i was going to see a friend die. he knew how much this upset me and he did not stop. he held me as a captive audience to his self destruction (or the playacting of it) and let me cry and beg and plead with him to take care of himself.

tarc loves to promote a clean, “family friendly” persona online. he will go on and on about the positive atmosphere his guild provides and how progress and accepting he and his “safe spaces” are. as soon as you are inducted to his inner circle, however, you learn otherwise. he will gladly engage in sexually charged conversation with you, even if you are ten years younger than him as thradia and i were. we were both legal adults, yes, but just barely. i can’t count the inappropriate remarks and jokes made about us, our friends, and even minors all in the spirit of joking “what if” conversation. he has a history of making young LGBT+ people uncomfortable, making their sexualities and identities about him and how he can relate to them.

tarc was the most two-faced and divisive guild leader i’ve ever seen. he would rant to me mercilessly about wanting to kick one of the junior officers and raid team members in private while never saying a word to their face or bringing it up with the co-gm. he would start schisms between people, telling each what they wanted to hear and encouraging both parties not to confront each other about it, allowing the resentment and distrust to grow as he fanned the flames on both sides. he wanted people to stay in the guild and continue to basically work for him while also putting him above anyone else in their friend circles. he told straight up lies to thradia and i, claiming one of us had said things about the other that we never did, driving a wedge and distrust between us.

tarc treats his guild(s) like a business. he is entirely capitalist-minded even in an MMORPG that people play for fun, churning out “content” and keeping up appearances like a machine. he treats his officers and guild members like employees, not people. any time irl would demand attention away from the game, forcing someone to miss or cancel an event, he would subtly guilt them about it until they apologized, even if it was a dire situation or a family emergency.

when tarc wanted to start a wow roleplaying podcast, he approached me about cohosting. he wanted a female voice, and since i was out of school and had no job lined up due to not graduating i was the perfect candidate. i came on to narrate and research the lore segment of the looking for roleplay podcast, which was little more than me paraphrasing a wowwiki article, but i was held to a “professional” standard. i had to have my research done by a certain day, my recording done in advance, etc.

the podcast was a spot of contention for several reasons, one being the mysterious emails tarc would allegedly receive about it. the podcast had a shared email account that all three of us could access and look at, but tarc claimed that people sent emails directly to him since “everything’s under his email.” he would use these strawman emails as indirect criticism of turwinkle and i, reading them aloud or typing up what they supposedly said but NEVER producing a real screenshot or address to verify them. i’m convinced he only did this as a way to make turwinkle and i feel badly and work harder “for the listeners” to appease things tarc didn’t like about our segments. he also insinuated he got inappropriate emails about me specifically at this account but, again, i was never allowed to see them with my own eyes, just hear about them secondhand, which is why i believe they did not exist.

around this time, tarc began recording conversations without mine or thradias consent. he would start recording random sections of calls and taunt us, playing back out-of-context lines and joking that he would make “podcast commercials” out of them. they were often embarrassing, personal, or just wildly out of context lines that we didn’t want played to the public, and i heard only a fraction of what he possibly recorded of me. i have no idea what kind of material he has of me and thradia that was recorded without us knowing or consenting. it felt like blackmail. it still does.

i internalized all of this. i thought this was normal. i thought he was an excellent guild leader and a role model for leadership. i had begun to treat world of fucking warcraft like a goddamn job and i thought that was fine. my life revolved around coddling and entertaining him, socializing and promoting and recruiting for the guild, raiding, running pvp entirely on my own, keeping up IC connections and attending events, recording for the podcast, all of it. i ate, breathed, and slept wow and coram. it was insane. i had been talked into having no boundaries for myself and my time, and any time i tried to correct that and build a boundary i was attacked for it until i backed down. i have never felt worse about myself than i did while i was in this guild. i trusted no one. i was worn thin.

i finally had enough early 2015. at this point this man was trying to get me to come live with him hundreds of miles from my family so that i could attend a technical school in his area. i am still 18. he was 28. i had been trying to step down from my position as an officer, citing if i was going to be LIVING WITH HIM that it was going to give me an unfair bias in my standing in the guild. this set him all the way off. he was planning a trip to atlantic city for me, himself, and thradia, who i had a ticket to visit for my birthday. he was getting frantic because he had been pursuing thradia for months, and i was no longer cooperating.

when i threw this wrench in everything, our relationship devolved in the span of a few hours. within the day i left the guild on all of my characters and pulled myself out of all of his projects. within the month i had frantically faction changed several characters and eventually unsubscribed from the game for two years because i lived in fear of him. he had always alluded to “knowing people” who could hack and track IP addresses and kept tabs on everyone who visited his blogs and websites. i didn’t know what i thought he was going to do - all i knew was his thinly veiled brags and threats were at the forefront of my mind. i have played this game since 2006, but for the first time in my life i couldn’t enjoy it out of fear and exhaustion caused by him. he had ruined my favorite game in less than a year and made me paranoid about my entire online presence, to the point where this blog was abandoned for months before i turned it into what it is today.

and the thing is, tarc’s not a creepy or abrasive guy when you first meet him. he’s funny and charismatic and outgoing. he loves to tell you about his world travels and show you pictures of him petting baby tigers at rescues in southeast asia and go on about these crazy winnings he would have in vegas. he’s larger than life - at least online. he came to visit me twice in the year that we knew each other. the first time was also the first time i had ever met thradia in person, and we had been friends for six years at that point. he has met my family, and that of several other members (both my age and older). no one ever questions why he’s there. no one ever thought it was odd that for a week he hung out with three teenage girls exclusively.

this horrifies me to this day.

thradia and i are still best friends. we compared notes and were sickened at how we were played against each other. slowly, i returned to the game. i reached out to people who had left or been on their way out when i first joined the guild, curious to see if there was a common thread. there was. everyone i spoke with had similar stories: being made to feel like shit, nothing they ever did for the guild was enough, they weren’t allowed to miss events or raids no matter what the reason, they were questioned and joked about inappropriately and made to feel uncomfortable and preyed upon, etc. i was not the only one. thradia was not the only one. at least half a dozen other former members and/or officers had these stories, and tarc just kept getting away with it.

he cannot keep getting away with it.

i am being open with this for the first time in six years because i don’t want to see it happen again. because i don’t want to know that, had i said something sooner, more people could have been protected. i was 18 when this was going on. i had no real world experience. i had no standard for how i should be treated, much less by someone almost ten years my senior and who claimed to be my friend. but he knew better. he should have had boundaries and space and lines he refused to cross. he did not. he crippled my trust in people for a very long time. i have only become comfortable playing wow on horde side again in the past year or so. i finally stopped looking over my shoulder, /who’ing him and his guild, avoiding rp hubs. but now i feel like i can’t do that anymore. the safety i have worked so hard to achieve for myself is now threatened.

i understand my experiences are mild in comparison to what some offenders on this server have done. but at the end of the day, this year was the worst year of my life. to this day, the skype ringtone literally triggers me because i associated it with him and his endless calls that i never knew what to expect from or how to get out of. i can’t look at certain parts of the game without feeling fear. for months i held my breath going online or logging into wow because i was waiting for him to pop up and start accusing me of things or trying to guilt me into coming back.

tarc ran coram populo, a guild that, as far as i know, still staggers along with a few members who can’t be bothered to leave. whether or not he’s planning to return there, i don’t know. he organizes and runs (from what i can tell) the azerothian trade federation (whatever the fuck that is). i don’t know what his plans are. i don’t know what his online presence looks or will look like when he comes crawling back. but i beseech you, do not give him the time of day. do not give him a platform, no matter how nice and “woke” he makes himself out to be. he lures you in with humanist ideals and then sucks the absolute life out of you- and that’s if he doesn’t want to pressure you into a relationship on top of it.

to tarc: if somehow you’re reading this, stay away from me. keep my name out of your mouth. i do not want an apology and a string of half-assed, gaslighting excuses. i have records of past conversations. i have screenshots. i know what you fucking did to me and to my friends. i do not want you back. i do not want you here. i do not want to share space with you. i want you to go away and never come back.

you alone made it so hard to trust myself and other people. thradia and i both have had to seek therapy due to you. and now, you have the audacity to come riding back into the scene on a white horse, being self righteous about abuse and predatory behavior online, and have the utter gall to condemn behaviors you yourself emulated without apology or second thought. i know you think you’re a good guy. that’s what makes you so fucking dangerous. you genuinely don’t think you’ve done anything wrong, and if you do, you’ve buried it and squirreled it away and have covered it up to the point where you can turn any accusation back on the claimant.

do not attempt to contact me. do not try to threaten or appease me. go back where you were. i am finally at home again, and you will not take that from me. go. away.

#wrymrest accord #wra rp #wra community #okay to reblog #i am going to basically go dark on here now and not check on this #i have gotten ohysically ill from dredging this shit up #i will not be engaging past this point so whether you believe me or not i do not care #i know my truth and i know what happened to me even though i was gaslit to hell and back

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