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yunacoeur · 1 year

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loser in love - kim taerae

a/n: i’ve been working on this for about a week now and it’s still shorter than i expected it to be. oh well, let me know if you like this! also who do i need to bribe at wakeone to give me jeonghyeon bc i miss him!!!! need him so bad

word count: 3.8k

zb1 | kim taerae, sunshine x grumpy au, angst, cute ending, communication issues trope, he fell first but she fell harder trope, college au, reader kinda sucks but they mean well <3

—

your professor assigns a two-person project in your philosophy class. it’s a paper on whether or not socrates was innocent or guilty of corrupting the youth.. or something like that. given you got a decent partner, it would take just a couple sessions at the library to get it done. you’re not even paying attention until someone walks up to you while you’re reading something on your phone. you look up to see a guy from your class you haven’t spoken to yet, though his reputation precedes him (yours must as well. he seems like he knows who you are).

his name is taerae, you… think. he’s in the same friend group with sung hanbin and kim jiwoong, which already means he’s popular and well liked if he’s good enough to hang around with those kinds of guys. he’s always got this bright smile on his face, like a literal ray of sunshine walks through those doors every monday, wednesday, and friday.

“hi,” he says to you, “i’m taerae. you’re my partner, right?” so you were right.

“yep,” you respond plainly.

he awkwardly waits for you to maybe say something else, but when you don’t, he says, “are you available to meet at the library today? so we can get a headstart?”

yeah and did i mention he’s an amazing student? you couldn’t even imagine doing an assignment the day it was assigned, let alone actually do it, but it’s one less thing to worry about in three weeks and your future self will thank you.

“yeah, i can do 3,” you say and he smiles that bright smile that could make your heart flutter.

“alright, i’ll see you then!” he says, and then he’s off.

you’re left right where you started, sitting at your desk, staring at your phone. you look over at the couple next to you, being way too excited that they got paired together. they’re doing way too much pda for a classroom and it reminds you, once again, that love is weird. not your style.

—

the first time you go to the library is 3 weeks before the due date.

“so which argument should we use? i think guilty would be more interesting to write about, but innocent is probably the easier side to defend.” he says, looking over at you after going over all his papers with that stupid smile again. it’s kind of annoying how immediately likable he is.

“i don’t care. up to you,” you mumble, getting your laptop setup to write up your guys’ outline.

he seems discouraged that you’re only responding to him shortly, but he refuses to give up, much to your dismay, “i want you to pick.” he says, small smile this time. his dimple is still visible, of course.

“fine. we’ll argue that he’s innocent. what’s your email so i can share this doc with you?” you say, looking up at him, making brief eye contact.

he’s silent for a second, just looking at you.

and then suddenly it’s like his soul comes back into his body. “oh, sorry,” he says lamely, typing in his email on your keyboard and handing your laptop back you. he gets quiet for a second, and it makes the atmosphere weird and almost tense.

you feel the need to break it, “do you want to write the introduction and then first two arguments and i’ll write the third argument, the counter, and the conclusion?”

he smiles. you don’t even know why he would be smiling right now, but he has this look of fondness on his face, “sure. let’s work for an hour and then take a break. okay?” he says and you nod.

you pretend not to notice the way he keeps looking at you, opening his mouth like he has something to say, and then giving up on that thought and going back to typing.

—

“hi bestie,” you say as you walk up to taerae’s usual seat in the library. and there he is as always at this time. he doesn’t even know himself how he got you to show up here everyday (even if you barely did any work. you had finished your parts of the paper a week ago, but keep showing up to accompany him until he was done.) he can’t figure out why you keep showing up but he wont tell you to leave.

“hey,” he says, not looking up from his laptop.

“i got you something,” you tell him. he looks up, curious.

you got him coffee when you got one for yourself, the exact thing he told you he liked last time.

it makes his heart skip a beat. maybe more than one.

—

“do you believe in ghosts?” he asks you as you type up a different assignment. the question catches you off guard, and you choose to stop your assignment and humor him for a second.

“i guess so? why?”

“why do you believe in ghosts?” he asks.

you laugh breathlessly, considering the true answer that you believe, “it just makes sense that they do. especially if their soul had unfinished business.”

“like what?”

“i dont know,” you shake your head, giggling at his persistence, “maybe they left someone they loved dearly behind, and they have to watch over them.”

loved… to love someone so dearly that you soul won’t rest until they find peace. your peace connected to theirs. how beautiful…

—

“do you ever feel like you’re missing out?” he asks, suddenly. a part of you almost already knows what he means. you were always more similar than you gave yourselves credit for.

“what do you mean?”

“i’ve never been in love. always so focused on music and my studies,” he admits, looking over at you, “am i missing out? it is nice to be in love?”

“well, unfortunately for you, you picked the one wrong person to ask,” you laugh at his defeated face, “ i’ve never been in love and i don’t really think i want to. it sounds lame. like i just wanna love my friends and myself. i don’t think romance is for me.”

“yeah..? that sounds lonely,” he comments, but you shake your head.

“not lonely, just no one to break my heart.”

—

“if we keep going at this rate,” you say as you walk up to him and pull out your laptop, “we’ll probably only have to come to the library one more time. so this is what it’s like to be a good student.” you laugh to yourself as you sit down. he smiles faintly.

“yeah, for sure,” he says. almost looking down, like what you said upset him in some kind of way. it doesn’t make sense why. why would he want to keep working on philosophy assignments more than they have to?

—

the supposedly ‘last’ time you go to the library is d-5 from the due date.

“do you really hate romance?” he asks, bringing up the topic again. he seems weirdly hung up on it.

“no, i never said i hated it. just not for me,” you sigh, “i’m not really a people person anyway. there’s no one i’d want to date even if i wanted to be romanced.”

ouch.

—

it’s d-day. a beautiful wednesday.

“hey!” taerae says, catching your attention as you get up to leave class.

“what’s up?”

“can you meet after your classes today? would 3 work?” he asks, knowing full well you just submitted that paper with both your names on it. it was a+ material, what could be wrong about it?

“why? the project is over,” you say bluntly. he smile falters just a bit, but he catches himself and continues on.

“i… need your help to study,” he says, like he came up with it on the spot.

‘you need… my help?’ you wanna say, but you don’t. you don’t call him out.

“okay,” you say, “but i’m not staying long. just long enough to ‘help’ or whatever. see ya, tae.” you get up to go, but his hand stops you, grabbing your arm.

“hey... uhm.. please come,” he says sincerely. something about this feels deeper than just ‘studying’. his eyes are showing how vulnerable he already feels.

“i will, taerae. i promise,” you say, “i'm honestly offended you think I'm gonna stand you up.”

he laughs with a bittersweet smile, “sorry!” as you walk off to your next class.

–

he’s sitting at one of those benches outside the library when you walk up to him. he doesn’t notice you at first, just playing on his phone. he looks so peaceful.

and then he notices you, and smiles that signature smile, “hey! thank you for coming,” he says.

it’s just a tad bit confusing why he’s so hellbent on the idea that you wouldn’t want to come see him, or that it’s so important that you’re here.

“i’m taking it that you don’t need help studying,” you smile back at him, and he shakes his head, “didn’t think so. you’re a star student.”

“i try my best,” he says, and you scoff at him. he barely tries. he’s just good at everything (except for math. but that’s math’s fault for being too complicated for him).

you shake your head at him, “okay, what did you wanna do?”

“i actually wanted to tell you something,” he starts. that smile of his fades when he gets anxious. he puts his hands in his pockets to hide how clammy they’re getting. you urge him to continue but he’s struggling to find the words, “i-i’m sorry, it’s hard to talk about.”

“it’s okay, tae, just breathe,”

he frowns, seemingly gaining the courage to say his thoughts, “i- i know this is- this is not what you want to hear because you’ve told me how you’re not romantically interested in anyone and you don’t want a relationship. you’re really clear about that and i respect that.”

he closes his eyes as he braces himself for how vulnerable he’s about to feel. he’s preparing to bare his heart out to you, when he knows you can’t care for it like he needs.

“and i don’t want to make you feel pressured, but it feels wrong to hide it from you while i monopolize all your time,” he says, lowering his face to hide it from you. you can still see how red his ears are getting though, “i had to go and fall for the one person i couldn’t fall in love with.” he says it more to himself, like a criticism. ‘how could i do something so stupid, so self-destructive?’ he’s probably thinking, "I have feelings for you. i'm sorry."

“taerae…” you whisper, coming closer to try and comfort him, putting your hand on his arm.

he shakes his head again, looking up with you with those darling eyes that make people fall for him left and right, “and it’s not fair to you, but it’s not fair to me either. you don’t want to be in love? that’s fine. but you can’t go and take my heart and write your initials on it like it belongs to you, and expect me to not feel it pounding in my chest for you. that’s…” it’s ironic that so many people probably have feelings for him and yet he’s here, baring his soul out to you, “cruel.”

his eyes, intentionally or not, are piercing into your soul in turn. it’s like he can see every last piece of your being, and it’s frightening to be that known by someone else. they’re pulling you in like a siren song, making you want to give it a chance, give him a chance. his eyes are doing every last thing to make you his, promising you to only ever be yours, to never hurt you, to always make you happy.

maybe that’s why you left him there with nothing more than a squeeze to his hand and a “i’m so sorry,”. it was easier than looking into those beautiful eyes and tell him no. easier than watching his heart (with your initials on it) shatter.

—

and so you continue on with life. soulessly, you suppose, but every day keeps coming whether or not you want it to.

you keep checking your phone. it doesn’t even make sense why, because he’s probably too embarrassed and upset to text you. and he has every right to be upset at you right now. you left him when you got scared and haven’t even tried to say sorry, much less give him a proper response since that day. he has every right to be pissed at you.

and the shitty part is you know he’s not. because he’s taerae. because he was never mad at you. not when you bugged him when he tried to study. not when you barely worked during your library meetups. not when you were late and not when you were rude to him when you first had to start working together.

he’s never been mad at you and you know every time you walk past him, he stops to look at you, hoping you’ll turn around, and the fact that you don’t is breaking him even more. all you know is that if he uses those puppy eyes on you one more time, all your resolve will crack.

not falling in love was your main goal during college. years of being alone, part by choice and part by circumstance, made it so you felt you were better off by yourself. it’s hard to want other people when you’re not used to feeling wanted, and being in love just seems so scary.

were you in love with taerae? that was the real question, wasn’t it?

because he wasn’t that close of a friend. you had barely known he was more than an npc a few weeks ago, and you didn’t really know him that well. he was an enigma, a being you knew existed but nothing beyond his existence. and he wasn’t particularly charming. he was awkward. he was dorky. he didn't dress that well. he was really passionate about things and those things completely consumed him. he initially seemed like an anti romantic up until now, too focused on his passions and life to even think about love.

but every time he had said a dumb joke, you laughed. every time he tried to impress you with how cool he was, sure, it was kinda dorky, but you were impressed. and when he smiled at you, it felt like the world was okay in that instant. he gave you his jacket when he was cold once, he got your coffee before your study session once, and he cheered you on.

maybe you did love him, but he must have given you no other option. nothing else you could do besides helplessly watching as he fundamentally changed who you were.

was it so bad to be in love with taerae? he’s beyond kind and has endless good will to give the world. and of course it was scary to be in love, but taerae wasn’t scary. he wouldn’t break your heart, he’d give you peace of mind and comfort.

—

nothing sways you to talk to him quite like another person trying to flirt with him does. they’re attractive, a little mysterious, and intriguing from the get-go- if taerae’s crush on you was indicative of a type, they’d be his perfect match.

they’re so clearly into him, you wonder if you looked like that when you hung out with him. maybe passerbys thought you were a couple before you were even friends.

and he’s so clearly letting them flirt. he’s not making moves, but taerae doesn’t make moves like that. he wants to move slower than that. he doesn’t want to get into their pants, he wants them to romance him. he wants to feel courted. you’re not sure what you did to romance him, or how exactly your attitude made him feel courted.

and it’s so hard to watch him be flirted with because you were the one who left him there. that could be you right now, but it’s not. taerae is letting someone else flirt with him and letting someone else tell him jokes and smiling that bright smile at someone else. that’s what really hurts.

but you let them be while you jealously sip your coffee, talking to your friend sitting next to you.

“you need to talk to him,” they say, “you need to tell him about your feelings. even if you’re scared. he deserves honesty and you deserve to be happy.”

and they’re right. you know they are. friends tend to be right about this kind of stuff.

and it takes all day to build up the courage. the second you think you could do it and make it out alive, you run over to his dorm room. it’s across campus, and you really could have just walked, but that means more time left alone with your thoughts, which is a big no no right now.

—

it’s early in the evening, but even still you’re grateful that junhyeon took pity on you and took you to his dorm room that he shares with taerae. he left you guys alone to ‘talk’ he says with a smirk. if only you were sneaking in for something fun like that. and not to pour your heart out onto his floor and just hope that he’ll be okay with cleaning up the mess.

“taerae!” you say as you burst into the room, locking the door as soon as junhyeon annoyingly shouts, “you're welcome!”. he looks up like a deer in headlights from his desk to see you tired, out of breath, holding the door against junhyeon until he gives up. he furrows his brows in confusion.

“what’s going on? are you okay?” he asks, "what's wrong? did someone say something?" he's got this look of protectiveness in his eyes. you wonder briefly if he thinks someone hurt your feelings and you came running to him for comfort. it's charming.

you shake your head, “i made a mistake and i came to fix it,” you say, that look in his eyes coming right back. like you’re back in that moment at the library. like it’s that fateful day again, with light wind in the forecast and pollen in the air. you remember nothing but how beautiful kim taerae looked and how painful it felt to run away.

“i’m listening..” he says, trying to get you to continue, to say your side of everything, because you’re lost in thought and forgetting that he’s standing right in front of you.

you sigh, thinking maybe it’s best to back out, turning around to try the door. hopefully, junhyeon didn’t put a chair outside to keep you trapped so you could do 'things'. you almost commit to leaving, telling taerae you didn't have anything to say at all. it was easier than facing him. that’s when you see it.

“what’s this?” you ask, pointing to the new bracelet in his pile of usual jewelry.

“oh… my friend just got that for me, actually. i don’t think you’ve met that friend yet,” he says.

“was it the friend in the courtyard?” you ask, looking up at him. he can’t decipher the look in your eyes, but he nods. you’re half expecting a ‘how did you know i was in the courtyard?’ but you know he’s not going to pry like that.

“taerae, i-” you start to say, and he looks up again, that hopeful look in his eyes. if you were a better person, you would have noticed how he looked at you the first time and never, ever let someone hurt him. even yourself.

but you weren’t that person. you’ll learn to be that person now, though. his pretty smile depended on it.

“i’m so sorry for leaving you there,” you say, getting right into it, “i’m sorry i never gave you a proper response to what you told me, and i’m sorry it’s taken me so long to gather my thoughts. i’m so sorry, i feel horrible for how you must have felt when i left after you said all of that.”

“it’s okay,” he tells you. it’s not and you both know it, “you don’t have to feel the same about me. that was my fault for falling for you and coming on so strong about my feelings. you weren’t ready for it and i scared you. i was in the wrong.”

and it hurts to know he’s still going to apologize after all of this. he’s too kind and too pure of heart.

the bracelet comes back to your mind. and you have no right to be jealous because that person did nothing wrong. they were honestly probably a good distraction for him while you were being a coward. but the bracelet, a marker of something of theirs being on his wrist. the thought left a disgusting feeling in your stomach. it was clear in that moment exactly how you felt.

you come closer to him, suddenly emboldened by the jealousy of a gift another suitor got him and the fact that he was so wrong in his assumption of how he felt. he takes a step back when you get a little too close, like he’s nervous. not scared, but timid about what’s going on. his breath hitches when you look down at his lips like you could devour him. you were so obvious.

“taerae,” you say, and one last time, he looks up at you with doe eyes, “i thought i didn’t have feelings for you. and then i watched myself break your heart. i knew right there and then that these emotions couldn’t have been caused by anything other than me having feelings for you. i didn’t want to admit it, to you or myself, but…” you trail off, forgetting the last words of your sentence when his eyes find your lips, like he wants to have you now, finally knowing there’s shared emotions there, “i thought i didn’t feel anything romantic for people at all, like i was soulless, and you proved me wrong.”

“...why did you run?”

“i was scared. i’ve always been afraid to fall in love. i kept thinking, ‘what if he broke my heart?’. i realized how dumb it sounded because… it’s just so unlike you,” you smile at him, seeing all the innocence and kindness in his eyes, and wonder how you ever could have felt scared to fall for him, “and i saw them flirt with you. i told myself i couldn’t be jealous, but it’s hard to not be. i wanted you first, kim taerae. i know it’s not up to me, but they couldn’t have you. i couldn’t let that happen.”

“...come take me then,” he says, still staring at your lips. he really won’t make the first move, will he? you smile to yourself as you step closer, pressing your lips to his briefly, pulling away, and then again, just… not so briefly this time. he pulls away first because lord knows you couldn’t have, “so what happened to ‘i never wanna fall in love’?”

“i didn’t want this initially, you know. falling for you was never a choice,” you say. he laughs with all his chest.

“such an anti-romantic. glad i could turn you,” he smiles, “i’m just happy, in all your hatred of romance and pickiness for people, you picked this loser.”

oh taerae, you’re not a loser. you’re just in love.

#kim taerae #zerobaseone #zerobaseonefics #boys planet #boys planet fics #boys planet imagines #boys planet reactions #kpop #boys planet drabbles #zb1 #zb1 x reader #zb1 imagines #taerae fic #taerae #taerae x reader

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dpxdc-sapphicweek · 2 months

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Sapphic Fic Recs

In honor of sapphic week coming up soon, I thought it could be fun to share some fun and amazing sapphic fics in the DPxDC community!

Hacked Your Way Into My Heart by ziazippy5379 (Jazz/Barbara)

Jazz discovers someone trying to hack her and manages to scare them off. Barbara wants to meet the lawyer that nearly beat her.

@theredshirtsarecoming has a BUNCH of amazing femslash and is even doing femslashfebruary where they share multiple dpxdc ships. Check that series out here

tempest temper me by halfagone (milkywxy) (Cass/Jazz)

break in the park leads to some interesting life changes for Jazz, but for once, it may be for the better.

@halfagone is just in general, an amazing author but she has some really lovely femslash too that I highly recommend!

I haven't live life, I haven't live love. by coolerdazai (Cass/Jazz)

Jazz is on the run. She needs to find her dead brother's clone and figure out how to navigate her knew life. Why was everybody in her family in a freaky ghost accident that turned them into undead? Danny was lucky, he could turn it off and on. And she? She could suck somebody's blood and hide from the sun at best

@bum-bum-bakudan has some absolutely amazing cass/jazz fics that are some of the best I've ever read! You all should def check out their other amazing works!!

this love is ours by DisillusionedDanny (Jazz/Steph)

Jazz finds herself taking care of her girlfriend after Spoiler gets shot on patrols. It's a shame her girlfriend doesn't know how to be a good patient and stay in bed like she's supposed to.

@disillusioneddanny has quite a few femslash fics that you can check out on their ao3!

Triangle of Pleasure by Die_Erlkonigin6083 (Sam/Cass/Steph) NSFW

Looking for something spicy? @die-erlkonigin6083 has got you covered with some absolutely delicious sam/cass/steph fics that you can also check out!

Unfortunately, there aren't a lot of femslash fics in this fandom, but we're here to fix that! These are just a few of the amazing femslash fics in the DPxDC fandom!

Have some more that you would like to recommend? Reblog with your own fic recs and spread the love!

Maybe one day we can fill dpxdc with some more amazing and beautiful femslash fics <333

I look forward seeing what you all create for Sapphic Week!

#dpxdc #fic recs #dpxdc crossover #dp x dc #femslash #dpxdcsapphicevent24

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brekker-by-brekkerr · 2 years

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I don’t understand why they couldn’t have left Portwell as a cute high school relationship where they're unfortunately going two different directions, realize that together, communicate about their future, and come to a respectful breakup where they’ll have their good memories, and they’ll always care about each other in some way. That’s more consistent with these characters, it respects the shippers and the characters, and it’s something that happens in real life. I still think with the Portwell we saw in season 2 they could have worked out (like, they’ve always been in somewhat different places, like him having his future planned out and hers always being up in the air as discussed in the couch scene, but they still understood each other and connected, that’s part of why they work so well), but if the writers needed to break them up, that would at least be better than destroying them and making them out of character.

Seriously, why did the writers act like Portwell was bad and would never work? And now, acting like Gina didn’t have feelings for EJ. I feel like I’m being gaslit as a viewer. How can you spend all of season 2 making me not want to ship R*na, pouring everything into making Portwell one of the best relationships ever, give two characters incredible growth, and then try to backtrack and act like none of that happened. When I saw the way these characters looked at each other and acted around each other. This is bad writing, plain and simple.

It’s not just a matter of liking one ship more than the other. If R*na was handled better, if they found a way to handle Portwell respectfully in a way that made sense, I could have been on board. Imagine if they had let Portwell unfold more like Jack and Gina’s airport episode, where they’re cute and fun but at the end of the day Ricky is the one she really feels things for. Because the way they wrote Portwell, it feels real and important and they’re so clearly in love and happy together. It’s not just this cute little midgame ship, they have a connection like I’ve never seen. They fake date, they scheme together, they do so much for each other and they have so much effort put into their relationship only to have it torn apart and treated like it was never important.

Also, once again, EJ has fallen in love with a girl and she doesn’t love him back (Gina was definitely in love with him too but whatever the writers want to gaslight us into believing I guess. Which is so dumb because you can love more than one person in your life. Why did they feel the need to completely destroy every bit of Portwell after working so hard to make us ship them). Pointing this out isn’t prioritizing EJ in the relationship, it’s pointing out the crappy writing. Why are we doing this again. I think the writers must hate EJ or something because he never gets serious songs, of the main four he has the least time spent on him (other than this season with Nini being gone), and the writing this season for him was just awful.

And this sucks for Gina because she’s having to put in the emotional work again with Ricky, which I discussed in this post so I won’t get into again. Do they hate Gina too? She wanted the guy who shows up, and Ricky hasn’t really done that yet, not in a meaningful way because it was just him hanging out with Gina because he didn’t have any responsibilities while the only reason EJ wasn’t “showing up” for her like normal this season was the pressure on him, and he still found ways to encourage her and make sweet gestures like picking her flowers. Ricky should be putting in so much more work.

It’s sad for so many reasons but in large part because it’s going to be hard to watch the show from here with how all the relationships were handled. I wish I could love R*na and ignore the bad writing, but I can’t. And they could have been such a cute couple.

#portwell #ej x gina #gina x ej #ej caswell #gina porter #hsmtmts #hsmtmts spoilers #hsmtmts season 3 #hsmtmts 3 #high school musical the series #high school musical the musical the series #anti rina

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trkstrnd · 11 months

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Neurodivergent 126 anon here. I'd love to hear your thoughts on tarlos and Mateo!

hi anon i cannot believe i didn’t see this sooner but i would love to give you in depth examples of my opinions!!!

disclaimer: i am not a medical or psychiatric professional. do not use my posts or statements as means of diagnosis or medical advice. i am simply a person who struggles with mental illness/neurodivergence and am headcanoning characters that make me happy/that i relate to!!

that being said!! yes!!

mateo:

i firmly believe that mateo is autistic just based off of his social awareness. i know he’s canonically dyslexic, which, according to a quick google search, is strongly associated with autism. also, canonically, he’s an outcast, people look down on him, think he’s stupid, or slow, when really, he looks at things incredibly literally. i think we really see this in 1.07, with his struggles with his exam, finding a safe person inside a safe space and heavily relying on that routine of answering questions with marjan, then being thrown into a completely different situation that he was expecting just to panic. plus, when he got in there, the captain asked him if he needed anything to drink and mateo answered honestly, which got the sentiment of, “it’s sarcasm, einstein.” which is such mateo wasn’t even wrong to assume. in situations like this, before, he’s had people who cared, and he is trying his hardest to relate back to the past experiences he’s had, since most of the time he’s flying blind socially.

plus, mateo is really bad with the non-verbal communication as well. the main time i think about this is the last scene with the 126 in 3.18. when the boys were going to announce that they were engaged, but everyone figured it out before hand, EXCEPT MATEO, because to him, there’s nothing different. it’s just a 126 hang where people want to talk beforehand. he constantly has to be clued in.

plus, he was raised a loner, easily influenced by the actions of others. he feels incredibly strongly but doesn’t know how to express it and reach out. all of this was with marvin. messy room, bad actions, not being able to handle grief, being a “problem child.” they’re all autistic traits.

mateo, to me, is almost textbook autistic, but lmk what y’all think!!

tk:

truthfully, i haven’t done as much research on adhd as i have with asd, but from what i’ve read, it fits for tk very well. i honestly think part of it is why he gets along with carlos so much. tk is very all over the place, except for when he’s working or passionate about something. he’s able to fixate on one thing, and let all the others go for those moments (work, foosball, lou). he also tends to let things in his personal life show much more. he wears his heart on his sleeve. when he was upset owen was depressed, his mom’s passing, his sobriety being tested, issues with carlos, all manifest in places that there should be complete focus, but he has trouble focusing his attention on something unless it is the most important thing to him in that moment, which it often isn’t.

also, he’s impulsive!! i mean, who takes home a lizard from a guys leg?? he often does what he thinks is right no matter the circumstance, like in 2.08 when he goes for the alarm, 1.03 when he follows marjan into the corn despite judd’s orders, the bar fight in the same ep, 2.01 going after the person with the crossbow almost alone until judd offered backup, stealing a firetruck to find his dad, walking out on carlos, pushing carlos when he had nowhere else to place his anger at the situation, breaking up with carlos, you get my point. he struggles with emotional regulation and it manifests in impulsive behavior.

plus, he sucks at sleeping. ex: 3.13, 3.18.

okokokok

carlos:

boy oh boy have i saved the best for last because there’s a REASON i kin him ok.

all rise for the president of autistic carlos nation: me.

carlos is closer to what common folk would call ‘mildly’ autistic (which is not a term i indorse. everyone has different needs and they do not dictate the severity of a disability!!!) he has lower support needs, and because of this, when he was younger and he voiced them to his family, he was met with the cold shoulder.

look i will be a gabriel reyes defender until the day i die and i will never forgive tim for what he did to my favorite dad ever but this is not to say he didn’t have faults because he did!!! and they have a lot to do with how carlos’s autism presents itself.

many people with lower support needs go undiagnosed for years, and because of this they fall into this pit of isolation from their friends and family, and sometimes, themselves. carlos was constantly being reprimanded for being too soft (likely intense, overwhelming feelings, when he was younger. meltdowns.) he didn’t get the support from his family that he needed, so he isolated even more, leading him to believe there was something wrong with him. he couldn’t get along with his sisters because of the age gap, his dad constantly cared for him but in a way that made carlos second guess every decision he made, from coming out to joining apd.

again, he stayed pretty much a loner through childhood. in school, he said all he had was iris, and his shame and mask forced him to make the decision he did when they graduated. he married her because he needed to keep himself from being the burden he perceived himself as for /having needs/.

autistic people tend to take things literally, jump to conclusions. he never asked his parents how they felt after he came out. he just assumed they hated him and tried to soothe that by marrying iris and disregarding himself once again.

it’s why every time he expresses a need, it’s in the form of an argument, or when someone else is upset with him, he brushes it off because his feelings don’t matter because they never have. he masks so much that he almost broke up with tk because he kept brushing off his frustration (2.04), and he held his tongue for so long that he exploded and sounded like an anshole (3.13). he didn’t even tell tk he didn’t want kids until the issue was forced, and i want to highlight how good tk is for him because carlos didn’t run away from the discussion and let tk have whatever he wanted, he recognized the conversation as the collaboration it was!

he has an intense need for routine, he stims all the time (hand rubbing), he tends to have explosive bouts of emotion from masking so long, and he only truly opens up to tk. tk takes care of all of the social stuff, too! carlos’s entire friend group is tk’s friends. tk talks during catan, socializes, while carlos takes on the big, rehearsed speeches.

getting to see him open up with the right person over the last four years has been an absolute delight, and i cannot wait for more.

anyways that’s all for now! if you have any questions about these or others feel free to ask, and if you’re curious about my other neurodivergent 126 hcs, you can check them out here!!

i will forever believe in autistic carlos thank u

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most-canon-non-canon-ship-poll · 10 months

Text

literally hoping they break up in the last season

Why Mileven is shit - a submission-based essay, part 2/3

Mileven - a currently canon het ship from the Stranger Things fandom between Michael (Mike) Wheeler and Jane (Eleven) Ives/Hopper/Byers/IDK

they NEED to breakup (AGAIN) in the final season let's start w their character arcs rn. el was born in a lab and was raised VERY strict to be a weapon and shit. she escapes and now her whole arc is finding herself and being who she is separate to what people tell her she is. mike comes from a lowkey conservative family with parents who are married only to fit into the normal, not because they love each other. his arc, similar to his sisters' struggle in earlier seasons, is to not fall into conformity just because you feel like you should. both of these stories line up with the main moral of the show: be who you are even if it isn't "normal" ot whatever now how does mileven go against this? mike, and a bunch of ppl around el, in the earlier seasons keeps telling el what she should do/be. even in the later seasons we see mike refering to el as a "superhero" (which she doesn't like). neither of them feel free to be themselves around the other (shown by el lying to mike and mike being WAY out of character around el, etc). mike literally can't tell el he loves her while not under pressure. mileven sometimes parallels mike's parents' and sta.cy (a failed conformity relationship) and other bad relationships ANYWAYS it also reallyyyy pains will byers (who's been canonically in love with mike for like years, and mike's best friend) to see this. also, milevens keep harassing will/mike shippers on anon even months after the last season. like they have a hate discord server just for it. anyways i love mike and el but ohhh my god there is still SO much i haven't mentioned about how bad they are together (and how bad shippers often are, sometimes being violently homophobic and calling bylers delusional and shit)

OOOH IT FUCKING SUCKS THEY ARE SOOOOOO BAD FOR EACH OTHER JESUS THEY DON'T COMMUNICATE LIKE EVER THEY ARE BOTH CLEARLY IN IT BECAUSE OF THE EXPECTATION OF A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE THEY CAN'T CONFIDE IN EACH OTHER THEY DON'T SHARE ANY INTERESTS THEY'RE HAVING CONFLICT MORE OFTEN THAN NOT THANK *GOD* I AM UTTERLY CONVINCED THEY ARE HEADING FOR A CANONICAL PERMANENT BREAKUP. NOT TO MENTION THEY ARE BOTH GAY AS HELL TO ME. YOU SEEN THAT "THIS SHIP IS SO CANON AND IT'S A LESBIAN AND A GAY MAN" TWEET? YEAH. FUCK THIS STUPID FUCKING SHIP NOT TO MENTION THE SHIPPERS ARE FREQUENTLY OPENLY HOMOPHOBIC. UGHHHHHHH KILLING BITING (this is my fave btw)

they have no chemistry or buildup unlike the other st couples. they kissed season 1 right after she asked if he would be her brother. hes very obviously compensating for something. i think i gagged when they made out in season 3. speaking of. thats all they do. make out. they dont really have meaningful conversations. this also comes from the fact that when mike met her she was fresh out the lab that abused her for like 11 years. she was not socially ready to understand the bounds of a platonic relationship let alone a romantic one. anyway mileven break up s5 will happen i believe it. if nothing else. cross ur fingers gamers

the sheer homophobia and general toxicity that the fans of this ship create is absolutely insane when their perfect (read: mischaracterized) straight (read: homosexually-coded) couple is judged for having toxic or incompatible elements is insane. the only good romantic aspect between these two characters is in a cringefail "wow this really doesn't work at all" i-want-to-put-this-dynamic-under-a-microscope-and-study-it-because-it's-an-absolute-trainwreck" kind of way. el has been abused and cut off from society her whole life and at 12 years old she immediately gets together with this guy at whose earth shattered after his best friend went missing who then has surviors guilt after she almost does which is misconstrued as romantic rather than unhealthy obsession and trauma. and so on and so forth.. there's just so much wrong they lie to each other So Fucking Much despite truthfulness being very important to them and they ignore their friends to make out (which is filmed in a way that is meant to feel uncomfortable btw lmao) and el doesn't understand mike's trauma from bullying and he doesn't understand how she doesn't want to be built up into being a superhero etc etc. and it's just so increasingly bad I want to rub my temples just thinking about them. they're just so bad for each other and their relationship has done nothing but make them worse in general but for some reason their ship is viewed as fluffy or cute or whatever the hell. anyway mike is so heavily coded to be fucking gay and in love with his best friend (and el can be interpreted to be lesbian coded) and I just need to get them out of there amen

I'm gonna make a list bc the reasons are many: 1) their first casual interaction they get together but in the same conversation she asks him if she can be like a sister to him 2) all their "cute moments" are them making out in the 3rd season with still absolutely no chemistry 3) their only actual cute scene is them dancing at the snowball yet in the same scene they portray the same way two couples that are not romantic 4) mike becomes a terrible person when he's with eleven 5) eleven literally GOT OUT OF A LAB SHE WAS RAISED IN and this is the first guy she dated 6) she can't even say he's a good kisser 7) mike can't tell her that he loves her (bc he doesn't) and the only time he does he makes this whole ugly ass speech up about how she's his "superhero" even though she doesn't want to be seen only for her superpowers 8) in said speech, while listing the things that he loves about her, he only names her superpowers + he lies multiple times 9) EVEN AFTER SAID SPEECH she is still mad at him and won't talk to him (probably bc she saw right through his bs) 10) she spent a whole 6 months lying to him about all of her life 11) mike is clearly gay and is meant to be with his childhood best friend will 12) mike idolizes her and doesn't see her as an actual person 13) eleven needs to be her own person (ffs she just got out of a lab) 14) the ship sucks and even the authors and actors say so

they have NO chemistry. they kissed after one week of knowing each other when they were 12 and eleven didn't even know what a romantic relationship was at the time, given the fact that right before mike kisses her she says "will you be like my brother?". they spent the entirety of season 2 apart with mike calling el on his walkie and el watching romantic movies on the tv for a year (then will is in trouble and mike says 'fuck it' and goes full protective boyfriend mode but this isn't about byler so i digress) and start dating soon after they meet again even though they haven't had a SINGLE conversation and are barely friends. season 3 comes along and the writers do their utmost best to show us how incompatible they are. their makeout scenes are uncomfortable, they break up at the beginning of the season and neither one of them seems particularly bothered that their first relationship is over. in fact, the happiest we see el in the entire series is during the time they're broken up, when she gets close to max (who she actually has chemistry with, by the way) and finally experiences freedom, being a teenage girl and etc since mike had been "keeping her all to himself" for like, a year. aside from that, he doesn't go after her at all after she dumps his ass (literally) but when he and will have a fight, he bikes across town in the rain just to apologize, that boy is GAY. finally, the theme of season 4 is lies and once again, mike and el spend the season apart (once again, mike spends the season with WILL) and right before they part ways, they have a big fight about mike being unable to so much as WRITE "love, mike" on his letters to el, let alone say it, and he bullshits his way through it and refuses to say the actual reason until vol. 2, when he apparently "confesses" that he's afraid he'll lose her if he says it (okay, amigo, you're gonna lose your girlfriend who was literally begging you to say 'i love you' not even a week ago, aham, totally valid excuse). conclusion: they don't know each other and they don't act like themselves when they're together. mike hides his nerdy nature, el feels like she has to be the amazing superhero he's always viewed her as or else he'll lose interest and it just feels like they're both grasping at straws because this relationship has been dragged on for too long that they don't know how to break up permanently. they are afraid of losing each other, but not romantically, as mike was el's first semblance of family after escaping the lab and mike feels like it's his duty to protect and care for el. also, mike is gay. in other words, FREE THEM.

#propaganda #why [ship name] is shit #the (s)hit list #not a poll #anti milkvan #anti mileven #again -#byler #kinda?

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rainbowmancer-gwen · 3 months

Text

Story time:- Shitting the bed (Disrespectful house guests) CONTAINS NSFW moments

I need to start using my tumblr more... My threapist said I should journal more and tell my life stories because a lot of them are just as absured as this... Okay so this is not an am I the asshole stories because I know I am not. I wrote this last night night whilst stoned. I also wanted to test a new clicky RGB keyboard that my Friend Kendra bought me (She was at this party too and can verify it's a true story...) Here goes

Okay, so... close to a decade ago, now I held a party after the Armageddon expo (Anime and Geek convention in New Zealand) one year.

The lead up was that I was working on an assignment for Uni that needed to be in before Sunday. Sunday was Armageddon, and I was hosting an after-party for cosplayers and furries at my parents' house.

It was a sleepover, and I had worked extra shifts to afford a boat load of Kai to feed everyone. My folks were away in the UK. They knew about the party and they knew about my rule.

If you stay cooked, breakfast is at 10 am because you can sleep in. After that I will give you a job cleaning the house. This had worked previously to great effect.

My folks' house can comfortably sleep 12 (in beds) + more on couches.

The whole of the local furry community was invited, and my best friends at the time had helped me plan.

I get my assignment done at 3am after much tinkering and fuckwittery with word counts as Uni had fucked up the brief and there was ambiguity about word count. Fuck it! It's 3am, it is done. I need to sleep and get ready to let off steam.

Arrive at Armageddon, meet friends, and help friend Cosplay as Totoro in a big fursuit. Meet more furries, including draw fest artists. Fuck it! Invite them. This party is going to be the ultimate nerd fest.

And that's when I meet AL... AL is a dragon furry, who is so up himself his fursona has two dicks... I didn't know this at the time. AL asks if he can come. I had only met him once previously but had interacted well enough online and he seemed cool.... Say fuck it! Come along.

Start getting messages out of the blue from a Trans friend, B, who had just gotten back into the country after a messy break up. Say Fuck it! She can come too. It'll do her some good!

Fast forward to the party. Everything is going swell. I am the perfect host. I'm nervous because my parents' house is full of people I have had next to no sleep and a full day of convention. I'm knackered, my best mate. Let's call him Phoenix. He has packed me a joint. Instantly feel better.

Start to notice something is off...

Notice AL and B are making out like it's an Olympic sport. They are all over each other, and it's squicking out my guests...

Ask them politely. Hey guys... It's not that kinda party. We got people playing fucking Yu-Gi-Oh! And drawing furries and you're... You're doing that...

It gets later, and people start to trickle out. The stayers are watching anime on a projector in the living room that Totoro friend, had brought over.

I'm like, sweet. This is my time for another joint, and I'll set up beds. I walk into the kitchen, and what do I see? B An 8 foot transwoman in heels sucking off AL...

I am beyond mortified and beyond words... AL smug face says something to me, which I forget.

Anyway I tell them that it's not appropriate quietly and again not that kinda party. No other party guests saw that, thankfully... Read the room seriously!

Move on to allocating beds. Okay, so let's put them separately...

B pipes up. "Um... I will have anxiety if I don't sleep away from other people who I don't know" sounds fake as fuck.

Okay, you can have the room my GRANDMOTHER sleeps in when she visits... and my room is ABOVE YOU...

Everyone hears this... Everyone goes to bed. I go upstairs when they do. Spend a little more time with core friends. Break down and tell them what happened... and how mortified I am.

They ask me why you did not tell us? Because I didn't want to ruin the party...

Go sleep. Hear fucking. PISSBOILED! I am so angry! Angry cry self to sleep listening to Weezer. "I am the greatest man that ever lived" (I was masc at the time...) more on that story later...

Skip ahead to the morning. I am up first as I had not slept, nor had they. (The headphones did not hide the fucking...!)

Here I am, angry breakfast! Thankfully, due to many doors between guests and them (except for me... I AM THE ONE WHO HEARD EVERYTHING!)

It was awful... Thankfully, everyone helped clean and was grateful for breakfast. EXCEPT FOR THEM!

THEY DIDN'T GET OUT OF BED UNTIL MIDDAY!

I had shit I needed to do! Everyone did! Everyone knew this. It was on the invites! I purposefully sent the invites. Because in the digital age, respect the party rules!

And I made it very clear 3 TIMES!

☆♤♧◇♧♤♡☆

NOT

THAT

KIND

PARTY!!!

☆♤♧◇♧♤♡☆

They have the AUDACITY! the AUDACITY! to ask where's BREAKFAST!

After a brief explanation... AL, to his credit, helps a little with the last of the cleaning....

B does a sneaky exit but gets caught at the door by me. She says , sheepish and fake sad sounding "Bye...." *Sad eyes look away* ME ME me me me kinda look.

Leaves... Whatever screw her! She's out of my life now...

Meanwhile, other guests start to ship out and thank me for my hospitality and grace, humility and kind hosting, and network skills, etc...

AL and core BFFs last to leave (Phoenix, and Rei) after knowing what has happened asked me if I wanted to stay with them. Say yes please. AL hears this (he's still not left yet) and says he'll travel with us...

Que? No, me gusta!

Does not get hint. Walk to.bus stop is silent.

Get to bus. AL invites himself by stating “Am I coming to [PHOENIX and REI'S HOUSE] with you?”

Rei who has had it at this point states “I don’t know… Are you?” and glares at him.

Finally getting the hint AL gets off the bus.

Watch him leave… Continue Bus journal. All of us are gobsmacked… GAGGING!!!

Continue to my friend's house. Phone blows up. Messages from B saying how much of a shit host I was and how unwelcome she was made to feel… CALL OUT HER BULLSHIT! Phoenix is cheering me up by making me laugh about the whole thing calling it the "Kitchen BJ saga" Rei is pouring me a hair of thedog bloody mary and a cup of tea

Come home a day later. Shit stains on the bed…. I AM FUCKING LIVID THEY LITERALLY SHIT THE BED!!

End up charging both of them for the price of entirely new bed sheets… AL reluctantly pays as he has rich parents, find out later that he payed for B too.

Never hear for B again, except randomly bumping into her in the hospital (I am an RN) No words were spoken but I honestly hope she is well… AL occasionally pops up in online circles, Never let him live it down. Trues to laugh about it because “LOL It’s been close to a decade” NO! YOU SHIT THE BED! I’m never letting you or anybody else forget it!

If you read this far you are a saint. Thank you for letting me get this off my chest

Peace and love tumblr!

MAY YOU NEVER SHIT THE BED!

Gwen

#am i the asshole #long reads #long post #furries #true story #disrespectful #shit the bed

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maraudersalterego · 2 years

Text

I have a shit ton of homework I should be doing right now, but at this moment I’m going to address why I, as an author, have decided not to join the jegulus strike.

I want to firstly say that Im super proud of those of you who have decided to join the strike, that’s good for you, and I’m glad you’re making that choice for yourself.

The reason I have decided against joining the strike (there are a few reasons) are as follows

I don’t agree with some of the authors as writers. That’s not to say that they’re bad people, or bad writers, they’ve just made choices I don’t stand behind. I don’t think this is a reason not to join, it’s just something that influenced me.

Im a minor in the fandom. This strike seems to have stricken a chord particularly among the adults in the fandom, again not say that minors can’t join the strike, just a reason I haven’t.

There are more reasons, I won’t address every single one, but I do want to talk about a lot of the adult authors that I’ve seen shitting on the young people in the fandom. I can’t speak for everyone, but I really like the authors of the fandom, not just as authors, but as people. I enjoy their tumblr posts, I understand that they are people, not robots, and I generally want the best for them. It’s really disheartening to see an author that I’ve looked up to for a really long time talking about how we “invaded their fandom” and that “we all need to be woke and morality police them”. It fucking sucks. Us smaller, younger authors have feelings too, and constantly ranting about how much you want us out of your fandom really sucks. I wanted to be just like you, and you don’t even want me here.

Now I’m not saying that these people deserve DEATH THREATS, I’m just saying that yeah, having people you look up to complaining about you hurts a little. I’m still taking a small break, but I don’t consider myself to be a part of no post November.

We really need to be nicer. Everyone needs to band together to stop being assholes. Once again, full respect to everyone participating, you have my blessing (not that you asked) and I think it’s awesome that you’re standing up for yourselves! I also want to say that if you’re hating on people who ARENT participating, you’re part of the problem. You’re not a bad person for choosing to post in November. The fics are for you, post them when you choose. It’s really sad that we’ve come to a strike just for people to treat us like people, but there are so many sides to this that make it hard for me to choose to participate.

In summary (why is this so fucking long 😭) post what you like, when you like. If you don’t like it, just roll your eyes and stop reading. Don’t send death threats, that’s never cool. If you want more updates, tell the author how much you love their work, don’t harass them. The adults in the fandom need to stop shitting on the minors. We just wanted a community, and I agree, some of us are obsessed with being “woke” and I don’t believe in censorship, but it’s really sickening when your favorite people are talking about how much you fucked up their fandom. Full respect to anyone who participates in no post November, and absolute love to anyone who chooses not to. Harassing people for not participating is just as bad as harassing authors, and if you’re doing that you’ve missed the point.

#jegulus #no post november #marauders #marauders fandom #fandom #fuckboyregulus #let’s just not be dicks #fanfic #fanfiction #let’s be better #toxicity #jegulus author strike

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staliaqueen · 1 year

Note

Do you ship scalia or is it just something that you don’t mind seeing?

I ship scalia in a vacuum. I think it's a sweet dynamic with a lot of potential. Shelley and Tyler do have a lot of chemistry, so I can see why the writers wanted to explore that pairing. They have a very similar awkwardness/cluelessness that feeds into each other well (I think the same can be said about stira, which is a ship I like in a similar way, actually even more because of the tricksters/kitsune angle in their dynamic, and I also think there's some sciles meta in there about how they both got girlfriends that are so similar to the other lol) and I'm happy with how they really utilised that during their scenes in 6B. I've only seen the season once, so I can't even recall what the scene was about, but I remember the scene that sold them the most to me as a couple was that Malia face palm one lol. Where Malia is trying to communicate something but they're both just totally clueless.

This one:

The problem is the circumstances of when this pairing was explored. The messy way stalia broke up, the unfair way Malia's feelings about st/ydia was completely disregarded. Granted, this makes a part of me go "Stiles unfairly dumped you and got with Lydia without asking how you'd feel about it? Fuck yeah you should get with his best friend! Give him a taste of his own medicine! Fair is fair!" but that's more about me being a Malia stan than having to do with any ships lol. When viewing the show as a whole, it's just impossible NOT to compare scalia and stalia, and when you do, scalia so obviously comes in short.

Like, every single argument I can come up with for scalia potentially working better is disproven by what stalia was in canon. Like, "oh maybe Scott could help her with her werecoyote struggles and do it better because as a werewolf he knows what it feels like" but we literally saw Stiles help Malia with that and he did it perfectly! After hammering in for 2 and a half seasons that Stiles is Malia's anchor I can't see anyone buying how Scott could just replace him in that aspect. Also "Scott is so good and anti violence that he could help Malia get over her kill first ask questions never coyote thing in a way Stiles can't because he's very similar to Malia in that regard" doesn't work for me either. We saw throughout their relationship that Stiles and Malia felt the best about their violent tendencies and trust issues with each other because the other one could understand. They could tell each other "You're still a good person" and the other could actually believe it for once. They opened up to each other and told the other aspects of their trauma that they never discussed with anyone else! "But when I came through it, I learned something else... Control is overrated." "I said, 'I wish you were all dead.'"

Then there's the scira of it all too! I'm not gonna go too much into it since I'm mainly a stalia stan lol, but the way Kira was pushed out of the show is honestly so horrible, and the fact that scira was so huge and how Tyler and Arden kept talking about how in love they were AND the fact that the writers said that they didn't actually break up and Scott was gonna wait for her... it's all very frustrating. Add the fact that Shelley is a white woman and Arden isn't and, yeah... it's all very bad.

Plus the way season 6 not only sucked in general, but also how the writing was really bad at actually selling st/ydia and scalia. I really like what @bericas said in the tags of this post: #like on a real level#i just don’t understand what they wrote it like this#like#why would you do this#6a outside of the narrative telling us stydia showed stalia and scydia like crazy#and it’s so weird#if you’re gonna lie to me at least do it well. If they really wanted to make the endgames make sense, they really needed more time to do it. You can’t just decide to completely change your character dynamics for the last season of the show. Don’t know what the writers were on during that decision.

TLDR: I think they’re a nice ship in theory but they just don’t work in canon.

#malia tate #scott mccall #stiles stilinski #stalia #scalia #teen wolf #meta #twmeta #anti stydia #mal answers

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majorbaby · 11 months

Note

Damn, hope you feel better. Hawk/Trapper: 7, 8, 9, 42 And Trapper/BJ: 8, 9, 17, 22, 23, 24

i actually fell asleep as soon as i rb'd the ask game and woke up four hours later feeling a lot better. anyway, thank you <3

ask game

Hawk/Trapper

7. How often do they say “I love you”?

I feel like they say it jokingly all the time as part of the flirty thing they have going on. Hawkeye probably has no problem saying it in more serious contexts but I could see Trapper as being less of a words guy, more touch/acts of service/quality time. He might say it in a fit of passion tho ;) This is fine for them. I don't think Hawkeye needs to hear it too often.

8. What do they love most about the other? Why?

I think it's the same for both of them about the other - shared values. Namely: compassion, playfulness and sincerity. I think Trapper is probably charmed by Hawkeye's razor sharp wit too.

9. What do they dislike most about the other? Why? I can't think of anything too serious. Hawkeye can be a slob compared to Trapper, it caused their only fight. I could see that causing some tension in a shared living situation. Hawkeye about Trapper... i think Trapper might be a smidge more grounded than Hawkeye. We never saw that cause problems between them on screen but maybe it would have, similar to how BJ will sometimes rib Hawkeye for being outlandish but yk, more playful than BJ ever was about it.

42. What’s their relationship like with each other’s friends/families? I mostly see Daniel as staying out of Hawkeye's love life and I don't vibe with fics that have him being overly involved or forthcoming with his thoughts on Hawkeye's lovers, regardless of the ship. I feel it would almost need to be that way if Hawkeye's with a man in the 50s. I also have a hard time seeing them (Hawk/Trap in this case) living in the same home as Daniel if they're together postwar, they'd need their own space, but they'd probably come back for holidays. Trapper and Daniel are both doctors and they also both strike me as reserved in comparison to Hawkeye, so they might quietly vibe. Fun thing I noticed on rewatch, when Hawkeye does the recording to send to his father, Trapper calls him "Dad" lol, cute. Foreshadowing, even...

I am less optimistic about Trapper's family. I don't see them as being accepting of Trapper being gay/bi - I think he'd quietly divorce Louise, see his kids on weekends and stay mum about his relationships. Not uncommon for the time period. Maybe once Kathy and Becky are older they come to understand who "Uncle Hawkeye" really is to their dad.

Trapper/BJ

huhuhu thank you for indulging me, I hope you're ready for some cracky headcanons.

8. What do they love most about the other? Why?

I think Trapper might represent some kind of unachievable ideal for BJ. How is this guy so comfortable with himself when talking about sucking another man's dick? I don't know BJ, maybe you should practicing sucking dick and figure that out for yourself.

Trapper's also just full of charm, I know BJ has some jealous tendencies but I really think if they hung out for a while things would blow over and they'd get on fine.

Trapper about BJ... I think Trapper might enjoy the chase and the challenge. Or it could be purely carnal. Or ,ore seriously I think in contrast to Hawkeye, Trapper might come to appreciate BJ's more cautious approach to medicine. If Trapper grew up working class, then there's a part of him that can't afford to be as carefree as Hawkeye, the more shrewd BJ might appeal to him in some ways.

17. How well do they communicate? Are they open with their feelings/thoughts or more reserved? Why?

BJ is playing games and Trapper is just extremely upfront and doesn't take the kind of crap that Hawkeye will sometimes put up with. I think he forces BJ's hand a lot quicker than Hawkeye might, because Trapper's not as likely to be baited by BJ.

There's also great smut potential for Trapper breaking BJ in and teaching him to communicate his needs via orgasm denial idk.

22. Are they comfortable joking around with each other and being silly/playful?

No! Trapper makes the most lighthearted of jokes and BJ loses his mind! Ends in angry (BJ), amused (Trapper) sex.

23. What are the defining characteristics of their relationship?

For me it's about funny, sometimes awful sex. Not un-hawnk-like.

24. How do their personalities affect their relationship? Do their characteristics compliment each other, or clash often?

They might be experiencing two entirely different relationships, BJ taking things way too seriously and trying to glean Trapper's motives, but Trapper doesn't have a motive beyond being open and sincere and giving BJ earthshattering orgasms. I like the idea of BJ being unable to separate sex from power/control whereas for Trapper it's about fun, love or both.

But I think Trapper being so easygoing might actually make this work - though probably not forever. I can't imagine an endgame situation for them but I think BJ would walk away from it having grown a lot, maybe having some new ideas about what masculinity and sex (and the intersection of these two things) can look like. Basically I think Trapper could fix him and they part on good terms. Maybe they hook up here and there until BJ settles down with some suburban housewife twink (and then, threesomes!!)

#ask game #piercintyre notes #hunnitrap notes

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big-boah · 2 years

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General tips for disabled and/or neurodivergent people getting tattoos (of all support need levels):

Under the cut:

Do your research: There are some shops nowadays that are run by neurodivergent or disabled folks and/or cater to neurodivergent/disabled folks, and those would be my first choice to scope out for a tattoo consultation. Otherwise I would go to a place/artist who was recommended by a friend or member of the local community. Check out online reviews too and social media comments to find the person you feel most comfortable reaching out to. You will be communicating with this person a lot because they're giving you something that will last a lifetime.

*Note: "friend" here means friend, significant other, partner, parent, sibling, or attendant/assistant/caregiver. You have to be 18 in most of the United States to get a tattoo.

*Also I can only speak for myself and my own experiences!

Be prepared for an in-person consult, and be ready to ask about any accommodations you would need during the appointment, including your preferred communication style. Tattoo artists usually don't do online consults which can be scary, I've called off a few on bad days. (They understand, your job is to be communicative!) Don't let that stop you or a friend from making an appointment for you.

Be prepared to answer questions from the artist on your comfort levels and communication needs and do not be shy, you're trying to see whether you'll be paying them for an important service. During the consultation, they will ask you questions about your design, colors, size, and the location of the tattoo.

You don't have to come with a totally clear idea in mind, they can help you get creative. Reference photos and printouts do help for ideas. But make sure you or a friend also have a list of questions beforehand if you think of any. And don't be afraid to reach out to the artist before the consult or appointment if you have questions. If they're cool they'll want to help you feel comfortable. During the session, tattoo artists will take breaks based on your comfort level (I've seen neurotypical people take breaks every 15 minutes) so don't feel bad about bringing that up if you anticipate that, no matter the body part.

Make sure to bring a friend, a phone/typing/AAC device or a pen/paper to the consult to ensure clear communication. I usually communicate over email and typing on my phone and I've only had issues with one artist who was inexperienced and we didn't go through with the tattoo. Also be sure to get a ride there and back! Getting a tattoo is tiring, you will not want to drive after if usually drive. Taking public transportation is difficult with executive function issues which will usually feel intense after a tattoo session, it can be very tiring.

Start small with your first design or session. Not that you shouldn't go all out, I say heck yeah to that! But that way, you'll know how it feels in that area of your body and you can plan it better. You don't want to plan a 4 hour session that feels unbearable after half the tattoo 2 hours in. That feeling sucks.

A good artist will also tell you "no" if they think something won't look good or be too difficult to take care of for your body, tattoo location, or skin type, or if they think that a certain body part is a bad idea. They're there to work with you and give you something you'll be happy with forever. This is another reason for the consult before the appointment, you can get to know the artist a little bit. If you feel uncomfortable with them or if you feel like they are judging you, consults are usually free or low cost, or the money goes toward the tattoo, you don't have to go through with the actual first session. It'll be like you're discussing and interviewing each other. You'll also want to start small to gauge pricing so you don't get surprised!

For the appointment, get ready for a weird type of pain that feels different in every part of the body. Everyone is different when it comes to this, and everyone has different tolerance levels. This is why you should start small in one area to make sure you're comfortable with doing more. It feels like someone is scratching you in the same spot over and over until you bleed, because that's pretty much what's happening.

Bring snacks and water to the appointment and eat plenty beforehand. This is important so you don't get dizzy. Drink plenty of water and never be afraid to ask for hydration or snack breaks. Usually the shop will be able to provide water if you forget some. Getting a tattoo sometimes isn't very painful, but it still takes a toll on your body, which is constantly trying to produce numbing chemicals for your wound.

Be prepared to spend several hours trying to stay still. I recommend bringing stim toys or a friend who can help keep you relaxed. Even tiny tattoos take an hour with final discussion and price discussion, placement, and then they clean the room/chair, and prepare the ink and fresh needles for you. Your body in general will need to be as still as possible for your tattoo's benefit and the artist's. The artist also needs to feel safe doing the tattoo too, it's their job to give you something that'll last forever and they want to make sure they do a good job so you need to stay as relaxed as possible. If you need a brace that doesn't interfere with the tattoo area, do it. Also, you can usually listen to headphones if you want or you can request music. Or you can have a friend bring a tablet so you can watch Netflix (I may have done that for a Star Wars vibe.)

Watch what meds or supplements you take before the appointment. Some medicines and natural substances can make your blood thinner, give you high blood pressure, or make you feel pain differently. You have to sign a waiver before you get it done that says you're not under the influence, but make sure to research your meds effects and side effects to make sure it won't make you unalert, dizzy, or otherwise uncomfortable. You want this to be as painless as possible, it's a cool experience and a necessary evil for the cool forever art, you want it to be a good time. 😉

Be prepared for bleeding, clear fluid, and scabbing. Proper after care is crucial for it . I was surprised by how much aftercare was involved in a tattoo, even though the artist had gone over this with me. Usually you'll need to follow a strict bandage and lotion (sometimes) regimen that your tattoo artist will prescribe. You and your friend's job is to take good care of it. They can take a month or two to heal completely, and you have to keep it dry. You also can't put it in direct sunlight so watch out during summer, and you cannot let it rub up against tight clothing, a chair/cushion, or a brace. If your immune system is a bit slower at healing, prepare for up to 4-6 months until the whole thing is healed over. Be mindful of this when planning and be open about it with your tattoo artist for the best results.

Don't be afraid to reach back out after your appointment. You or a friend can send an email to the shop or call the shop if you have a question for the artist. The tattoo artist or a receptionist or manager will provide aftercare help or direct you to their safety tips on their website. Sometimes people have reactions to the ink in the form of heavy scabbing, scarring, or hives. Don't be afraid to ask. If there are any signs of infection at all, you and/or your friend need to call the shop and the doctor as soon as possible. The shop can tell you what's normal, the doctor can tell you if your infection needs treatment. (It is normal for all this to happen even if you do everything right.) And they artists are there to help you, that's what you're paying them for.

Make sure that you and your friends tip well if you can. Especially if the artist is patient and understanding and open and communicative. It's important! It's even more of a compliment to be a repeat customer. If you find someone you like working with, cherish them forever. Give them nice reviews online too, it lets us in the community doing our research know it's a neurodivergent/disability friendly place.

Thank you for coming to my disabled person TED™️ talk. Anyone should be able to get a tattoo or body modification regardless of disability or support need level. You deserve to be heard and respected and to feel comfortable, and the artist you feel comfortable with deserves your communication.

(By the way I'm medium-high support needs semi-speaking autistic white guy with dyspraxia. I once kicked a man in the face on accident during one of my first tattoos and messed it up lol. I have a few tattoo artist friends and have done a lot of sitting/laying for these so feel free to send me asks!)

#tattoos #actually disabled #actually autistic #actually adhd #body mods #tattoo tips #disablility #tattoo advice #neurodivergent #asks always open

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lone-rhapsodist · 1 year

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A bit of a long rant following the latest disappointment with the project. Sorry, I had to get it all out. It's all under the 'Keep reading'. As always, thank you for your patience and support.

I must confess I am starting to lose faith a little bit. I am starting to think that, as good as the idea is, it is perhaps unfeasible, not so much because of logistics, but because everyone in Classics is just too isolated for this to work. I mean literally like an insula, an island -- everyone is working on their own, thinking on their own, doing things on their own etc. Yes, I am being a little bit resentful here, but also self-critical. I literally nicknamed myself 'lone-rhapsodist'. I always thought I was a loner, but now I realise, we all are. We are all islands -- the only thing we share is that we are not alone in being alone. It kind of sucks, to be honest. And I don't know what to do about that. I can reach out to all the people I want, but in the end, it doesn't matter.

I go back to this post I wrote a few days ago and ask myself the same questions. What am I doing this for? Is it worth it? What do I want to get out of this?

I don't know, I guess I just wanted to be part of something that makes sense. Something like a community. I thought, if I create a community around Classics, something that is a link between academia and the public, people will be interested in it, it will increase opportunities for both inreach and outreach, it will encourage people to put themselves out there and try. Try try try. How many times do I have to try? I'm the one who struggles to put themselves out there. I'm the one who feels like they don't fit in. I'm the one who needs the pat on the head, the blessing, the go-ahead to do things.

What is the point? I am literally reaching out to academics, using my real name, putting myself on the line, and for what? I am sure if I keep trying something will happen, but the issue remains that, if I cannot build a community interested in what I have in mind, then I will have to find one that is, and build the project around them. Yet as it turns out, these communities do not exist. These publications, they call themselves a community, a forum etc., and then they're nothing of the sort. Words have meaning. Why call yourselves something that you're not? What does that say about you, about the subject, about academia as a whole?

It's almost like the whole concept of community is alien to academia. They'd rather have a landscape of ivory towers than a palace to share. And the palace itself is just a metaphor for how, even in their best attempts at building a community, they are still exclusionary. Why do we need the walls? What do we need the moats for? We could have a happy realm, for everyone, regardless of gender, sexuality, social status etc., yet here we are.

I am being asked about my publications. I am being asked about attending conference dinners. How do you not understand that these are the very things I am trying to move past from? How do you not understand that these are the very barriers I am trying to break down? It's like everyone woke up with this idea that we can be inclusive without dismantling the institutions that perpetuate elitism. It's like everyone is keen on the idea of reforming academia until you start talking about reforming systems like publications, conferences etc. Suddenly, they all forget about progressivism and want to hold onto their privilege.

I am not trying to be an anarchic here. I completely reject beliefs such as anti-intellectualism and anti-academicism. But if you have systems that do not work as well as they could -- the culture of publish or perish, the fact that in-person conferences are inaccessible to most people and could/should be held online etc. -- then surely you should do something about it. But you cannot claim you believe in change if you do not also agree that, for example, someone should not need to be published or have a big fancy title next to their name to be able to produce a valid idea. And definitely, someone should not need to be rich in order to participate in academia. You know, the basic stuff. I know it's easier said than done, and that not everything is as easy to implement as I put it, but surely we should start from holding beliefs which are supportive of these fundamental ideas, and then we can go from there.

I don't know. I know I'm not alone in feeling like this. But then again, it's easier said than done. I can rant all I want about things, and then people can like it and reblog it and we can all share a little moment of misery. But then if I try to do things, and nothing happens, I am allowed to feel at least a little bit disheartened.

I have said before that if I cannot build a community like I have in mind, or find a community and build the project around them, then I will simply stop and either join a community that already exists, and keep doing what I had in mind for the project on my own. I suppose it would be something like a Classics helpdesk, somewhere where people can send asks asking for advice on how to develop their ideas further, or even send submissions about work that they would like to get feedback on but do not feel comfortable sharing publicly. Of course, if you ask or submit anything anonymously, I would have no other choice but to respond publicly, but if you did it using your username and/or messaged me directly asking me to respond privately, then I would be more than happy to do so.

I mean, that was basically the whole point of the Discord server -- join the thing, share your idea with us, get feedback and go develop it further. Has it taken off yet? No. Do I mind? A little bit, yeah. But not so much that I want to delete it yet. I like the idea of the server because, even if it's dead, there's always someone who can join and share their idea and get a response and be happy about that. I think it's important -- heck, I think it's an essential part of society. Yet here I am, preaching to the choir -- or in the desert… I am still not sure which one it is, or if there even is a difference. I mean, I never expected the project to be more than a side thing, but I did want it to develop into something more. I cannot help but feel deflated.

Maybe I am asking too much. Maybe I am not. Who knows? All I know is that there are still options left to explore, and I will keep going until I have exhausted all of them. I will see what my lecturer from uni has to say. Then perhaps I will look into Reddit. I do not even know if Twitter is worth exploring. I cannot think of anywhere else.

The only other option that comes to mind is the advice I was given to get in touch with the Women's Classical Caucus. I think that is interesting, but I really need to think about it. Perhaps that lecturer from uni would be able to help me with that. Honestly, at this point, it's worth a shot.

With that said, the question remains. "What do you want to get out of this?". I keep rotating that in my mind. And I'll keep doing so, until I find an answer. Till then, the quest continues.

#lone-rhapsodist #personal #classics #project #discord #server #rant #academia #community #privilege #inclusivity #wcc #women's classical caucus #tagamemnon #tagitus

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rasparagus · 2 years

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the status of and my feelings about this blog

honestly i have been involved in fandom since i was way too young to be on the internet. and i took a break from being super active with fan accounts some years back bc its what was best for me. fast forward to 2021 and becoming a carat is quite literally what got me to start posting and interacting consistently again on tumblr bc the fandom seemed really chill and cool and overall just a nice way to find community, especially during a transition period of my life.

but now i realize why every other day there’s a new creator declaring they need a mental health break lmfao. its cus this shit lowkey sucks. ive barely been active in the community for two months and this is the most stress ive experienced in a fandom. i love being able to chat it up and write fics and read fics but the amount of discourse combined with so many people thinking they know every fucking thing about everything is exhausting. some of yall treat this like a job. i come here to chill but so many people use this community as a way to show how virtuous of a person they are or how witty and sassy they can be with no regard for actual human beings. i think some of yall have been on the internet so long that u have literally forgotten how to interact normally with others, even when they say something u disagree with. not every disagreement is worth some huge moral argument or name-calling session. i dont think its normal that i see a different discourse discussion occur on the timeline every day, all of them met with equal vitriol from the people involved; some things are simply not that serious. maybe if we all take a step back and remember we are people writing fake stories about people we will never meet, then the problems wont seem so big after all. hate to be a hippie but like,,,lets just vibe and treat each other like humans, man~

ofc this isnt about any of my lovely moots xoxo i love yall. but its hard to ignore the discourse that occurs within this fandom. and as someone who does a vast amount of philosophizing in my daily life for school/work/community activism and would truly just like to chill on here, the exaggeration of mild issues stresses me out. im someone who is deeply passionate about politics, social justice, and cultural criticism in day-to-day life (just like a lot of other people who tend to start discourse!). but i also am of the belief that we all need rest, and if our leisure time is plagued by the same seriousness of the “real world” then we’ll never truly get that rest. i fear that in an effort to continue my hobby of writing and interacting with other fans, i will find my mind never truly resting and will be damned to a life where i am convincing myself that i’m having fun when im not. and once again, it should never be that serious.

when i started writing for svt i saw myself being here for a while, and i still really want that. but im barely three (very short) fics in and im already exhausted (and impressed) with how much the fun has been drained out of this fandom for me. i liked it better when all i did was watch gose and gush about vernon to my non carat friends. i really cherish the mutuals ive made and bc of those connections i desire to keep this blog semi-alive. i think it’d be really sad for me to give up on the fandom this early. but this fandom has a level of toxicity that is incredibly anxiety-inducing for me. sure my mental issues are my own and it isnt anyone’s fault, but ive noticed a common trend among other creators as well, so maybe its worth considering the environment we all are fostering. who knows. maybe i need to disappear for a while so i can re-discover the spark that led me to become a svt blog in the first place. this isnt me announcing a formal hiatus or anything. i could be back tomorrow thirsting over mingyu and wanting to write and post a new fic. or it could take me weeks or months to regain the fire that made this fun in the first place. this rant is merely a tired, old (not really) soul expressing their frustrations with a fandom that quite frankly takes itself way too seriously.

#this is ok to reblog #ro's.chats

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itsdetachable · 1 year

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So something happened last night and this morning that made me think about how sometimes ppl expect a little too much from ppl, but especially men, who are working to unlearn shitty behaviors that have become 'natural' for them.

Last night involved an argument and overreaction/escalation between me and my dad that even 5 years ago would have resulted in days of tense atmosphere and walking on eggshells bc we had zero ability to properly communicate.

Now, my dad is old school in the sense that Man doesn't emotion, talk abt emotion, complain about aches and pains, etc you know the deal. And learning about how he grew up and shit (like being a 5 year old taking money to the post office to pay the bills bc mom and dad had to work like wtf y'all) etc has made me understand why he is the way he is better, and the past few years I have been making it a point to engage in communication with him especially when he is being snappy or blowing up at things etc.

I'm saying all of this because a lot of ppl like to say "but he's an adult! He should know better!" and yes, but also - if no one taught him better then how is he supposed to know what better is? It's fine and great to see it on shows and hear ppl talk about it, but it is really hard to change your ingrained behaviours without opportunities to do so.

So, five years ago this situation would have ended up with us being in a tense deadlock for days until someone broke the silence and we went on, ignoring what happened.

But this morning, I went to talk to him (as I've been doing over the years when shit happens, as I do with my mom) and before I even asked what had happened he apologized and said he was in the wrong. This is a huge thing for him - it doesn't sound like much, the cynical ppl will say "well why didn't he come to YOU and apologize first?" but for a man who has barely apologized his whole life, or who was berated and told "yeah you DO suck you sucky sucker!" when he had tried before, and had begun to avoid the apologies to avoid those situations, this is HUGE.

And i know - I KNOW - it's because he's been given the time and the examples and the chances to develop and grow. He is a far more emotionally available and expressive person these days. It didn't come from nowhere.

I'm not saying that every situation is like this. Not saying that every person deserves the time and effort. All I'm saying is that sometimes a person needs time, chances, and examples in order to change their behavior and break the pattern.

#and tbf i worked the same sort of way to get my mom to be able to talk about her emotions #and fight against the lows and negative thoughts #and teach her ways to help herself #credit to my parents for putting in the effort #but fuck it i deserve credit too #but also fuck it this is how you break patterns and work on yourselves #it doesn't happen overnight

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waitimcomingtoo · 11 months

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hii bestie!! happy belated birthday 🎂💗

im in need of advice and im sorry to dump all that on you but i really don't know what to do. so i started dating this guy that i really liked until he started getting almost like mood swings, insecure and never communicate his problem after 2 days of being unreasonably mad at me (sometimes it was about me/sometimes it wasn't), the fact is that i was really getting into my lowest point and becoming someone that i was not. so in our last fight I said that i need a break to think (friday+the weekend) the time that i asked wasn't really respected and that made me 10 times certain of the decision i was making.

(im gonna add time here so it's not as confusing) on may 29th i broke up with him, gave a lot of explanations and tried not to be a bitch but not also be like "we can just go back to being friends" (cause that's just not how it works), i put most of the blame on me bc i know that i was not the best gf ever and i was honesty scared that he was gonna kill hs bc he was very dependent on me, he insisted on being together but i already had my made and he accepted it.

on the same week but june 1st (happy bday tom) he invited me to go to a coffee shop, and i thought it would be awkward so i made up an excuse and he sent me a huge message on how we should start again, and i had to go through all my reasoning again so he'd understand why i did all i did, to wich he never responded.

this week he started the same thing, and again, sent me this whole thing about getting back together. and honestly im so tired of all of this, having to go through all of those reasons and putting the blame on me just so he can't find a solution in his mind bc there's none. the only thing keeping me away from blocking him or being rude is bc we're on the same friend group, and it would suck for our friends (and it already does).

i honestly wish i could write about how unheard, unseen, disrespected and idealized i felt through it all, and specially now without sounding way go rude.

im sorry for this giant thing but i really don't habe anyone to talk abt this rn, you don't have to read it all or reply if you don't want to i just really needed to vent lol

loved your last series 💗

Block him!!! He will never listen. He doesn’t hear you. He doesn’t see you. You’re an object to him right now and he’s made it his goal to get you back. It’s become a competition for him that he has to win. It had nothing to do with you. He will not respect you if you get back with him. You’ve done all you could. It’s time to block him and move on. You can ever say “if you’re not going to hear me, you can no longer contact me” and block that bitch

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hkblack · 2 years

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Breaking a Beta-Reading Relationship Part 1

I say this a lot: finding the right beta-reader for you is like finding the right therapist. It takes time, work, and communication. For some people, lightning strikes and they find the right person straight away. It’s lovely when it happens, but it doesn’t always happen. And even when it does, there’s lots of reasons why you might not always be able to use that one person for your fic.

This is going to be a two parter. This first post is for beta readers looking to walk away from a read or a writer. Next week will be for writers looking to take their piece away from a reader. Both of these are pretty big/sensitive topics, so be prepared for some long posts.

I want to stress something before we begin. I only beta-read fanfiction. One of the hard parts about being in a fandom, any fandom, is how small it actually is. This was true forever years ago when I started joining fandoms in online spaces, and it’s true now.

It can be terrifying, therefore, to not get along with someone in fandom spaces. This comes up a lot in beta-reading. People are afraid of volunteering and giving honest opinions because they don’t want to tell someone they don’t know very well that their writing needs work, in case it comes off as a personal slight. People are afraid of asking for a beta-reader because they are afraid that someone “more popular” than them will see their first draft and go “this sucks” and tell all their friends not to read it before giving them a fair shake. I hear all the time “Oh, I don’t use beta-readers because I had this terrible experience” or “I don’t beta-read because I had that terrible experience”

Shit happens. And there’s no easy way to protect you from a bad experience, but there are ways to get you out of an experience before it goes from bad to worse. So that’s what these posts are going to be about.

Let’s start with why a beta-reader would want to walk away from a project.

Reasons I have walked away from an individual writing project:

It contained one of my boundaries/no-gos

I couldn’t meet the deadline

Life exploded and I couldn’t finish it (even if there was no deadline)

The scope of the project turned into something bigger than I signed up for

Reasons I have walked away from individual writing projects and also put the writer on my “do not read for” list:

Repeated violations of my boundaries/no-gos, or things going out of scope, or no warning about changes in the plot to include no-gos

Personality conflicts

So, let’s talk about this from the individual work level first—because these tend to be the easiest to handle.

Boundaries and No Gos – Ideally these are discussed beforehand. But if you’re working on a WIP with someone and the plot goes where the plot goes and they realize “I’m going to write a scene with one of your no-gos” the author should warn you. And then you need to have a conversation: can you continue this piece while skipping that scene? Does the presence of that scene make it impossible for you to keep going? This should be an easy “Ah, that’s on my no-go list. I’m going to stop reading now, but good luck!” With any reasonable human they will go “Yes, of course! I’m sorry!” and they’ll find a new beta-reader. Something important here: do not apologize in this instance. It is not your fault for having clearly set and communicated boundaries. Any writer who argues with you about your no-gos should go on your ”do not read for” list, which we’ll cover below.

Deadlines – Again, this should be discussed beforehand. I find these conversations usually happen because someone asked in a public space and forgot to mention their deadline. In DMs the deadline comes out and I go “Oh, no, actually, I won’t be able to finish in time,” which sends them back to the public space to ask again—this time hopefully with their deadline. However, sometimes something comes up where halfway through a process something happens and I can’t meet that deadline. The first thing to do is apologize and be honest. A lot of deadlines are actually pretty flexible and the writer can work around a conflict. If not, I find going into the channels/arenas they have to go back to find a new beta reader and hyping the story for them helps. Something like:

Writer: Hey folks, looking for another beta-reader to finish this by [deadline] anyone available?

You: Someone please read this fic for [writer]!! I’m halfway through but my dog got detention and now I can’t meet the deadline. The story is so good though!!

Life Explosions – These happen. Again, apologize and be honest. Some writers will be really flexible and say, “come back to it when you can!” Others will go hunting for a new beta-reader (in which case you should do the same thing as demonstrated above). If they are willing to wait but you need the sword of beta-reading removed from over your head, you are allowed to go, “No, I’m actually not going to be able to come back to this read. I’ve enjoyed the story, and I’ll miss it. But it would be helpful for me if you find someone else. Happy to help cheerlead your post looking for a replacement.”

In all of these, the important bit is communication. Friends, “No.” is a complete sentence. “I can’t finish this” is absolutely allowed. This is me, throwing strength through computer screens to you to say, “I’m out.”

Now let’s talk about the stickier situations. How to not just walk away from a read, but to stop reading for a writer completely.

Why would you want to walk away from a writer completely? Repeated violations of your no-gos (or arguing against them) is the most obvious. Someone who doesn’t communicate a deadline until last minute consistently is another reason. Personality conflicts is the biggest.

For boundary violators I use something like: “You know, I enjoy your writing, but I’m not really comfortable beta-reading for you. I have a list of no-gos that I’ve shared with you, and it seems every time we work together, one of those no-gos comes up. I don’t think I’m the right beta-reader for you. I can’t beta-read for you going forward.”

For Deadline violators I might say: “When we’ve worked together in the past, a deadline has always unexpectedly cropped up. I’m uncomfortable beta-reading for you without a clear understanding of the deadline and am going to pass this time.” Sometimes this opens a conversation where the writer changes their bad habits, and if that’s the only issue I’ve had with them, I’ll give them a second chance.

But what do I mean when I say personality conflicts? Here’s some examples:

The writer is combative to every change suggestion (Pro-tip: if you don’t want change suggestions, don’t use a beta-reader).

The writer is extra negative about their writing. I leave a lot of comments when I beta read, usually a healthy mix of change suggestions/edits and squees. If someone goes on a negativity spiral of, “Oh, there’s so many comments. I’m the worst writer ever. Woe is me. How can you forgive me for being so terrible?” or starts berating themselves for simple mistakes they’ve made, I will grin through the rest of that read and then never read for them again. Ever. I find that kind of negativity highly performative and I’m not interested in playing the game that writer is trying to play. It’s too draining. I once published a story on AO3 with a pretty glaring spelling mistake. My tumblr is all about editing and not having spelling mistakes. That’s embarrassing. But guess what? Shit happens. There’s no need for the dramatics.

I just don’t like the writer. You know how you are friends with some people and not with others? And it’s not that one particular other is a terrible person or has done something wrong. You’re just not friend material for each other. Same thing with writers and beta-readers. There are some folks who, and I can’t tell you why, I just don’t vibe with. Something about them rubs me the wrong way. And the problem is that I know, if I keep reading for them, I’m going to figure out what our misaligned character traits are, and I’m going to have a miserable time. Maybe they’re sneaky negative. Maybe they tell jokes that make me uncomfortable for reasons I don’t understand, and then later they make one that’s super offensive to me. Maybe they’re an undercover TERF. Maybe they aren’t extra negative about their writing but are extra negative about other things. Maybe we just have nothing in common other than a fandom and even then--we are in different spheres of that fandom. Whatever it is, I just don’t feel like I get along with them.

I beta-read fanfiction for fun. If I don’t like a person, I’m not having fun while beta-reading for them. Even if their story is pretty good. So, I don’t beta-read for them.

But communicating this is hard because you don’t want to be a total jerkface. I have two steps for walking away from a writer completely if we’re not actively in a read together:

Step 1: I’m always too busy when they need a beta-reader. This is the most non-confrontational, sneaky way to get out of it. When they ask, I say I’m not available. I defer and deflect. “Thank you for thinking of me, but I’m unavailable to beta-read this right now.” This is the art of telling a little white lie. Usually after several instances of this, people get the hint and stop asking me.

But sometimes I am obviously taking on Beta-Reads for other people, or this person is a boundary violator, or I’ve already said “can’t, too busy!” several times and it’s starting to look weird, or I'm just tired of deflecting.

Step 2: “I enjoyed [specific thing] from reading [last story] from you, but I don’t think I’m the right beta-reader for you. Have you tried [place to find a beta-reader] to find someone else?” Now you’re reading that and going “Oh HK, that’s too scary to say.” Yup! Beta-reading is all about honest and open communication. It’s scary af to turn someone down, but you will be happier if you do it.

But what happens if you’re in the middle of a read and you just can’t handle this person anymore and need to get out. Here’s what you need to copy and paste:

“Hi [writer]. I know we’ve been working on [fic] together and we’ve made some progress! I’m going to have to step away from this project, unfortunately, for my own reasons. I know its frustrating to have a beta reader leave before the end, but I can’t complete this read for you. If you try to find another beta-reader, let me know where you post the call to, and I can help cheerlead the post.”

And then you go back to the two steps listed above. Remember, you don’t actually owe anyone an explanation for walking away from their read. If a writer was rude to you, if a writer grated on your every last nerve, if you just don’t vibe—you don’t have to tell them that! “I’m not the right beta-reader for you” is a complete sentence and if that’s not enough for them—that’s on them. We went over the separate spiel for boundary violators, but if I think someone is going to get rude about my boundaries—I will just say “I don’t think I’m the right beta-reader for you” and not bring up the boundary violations because I don’t want to get into that fight.

Also, when dealing with people on the internet: you can block them. If they push back in a way that makes you uncomfortable you can block them and never hear from them again. And I hope you do that.

If you get nothing else from this post, I hope you hear this: It is really hard to say no to someone when you’ve volunteered your help to start. “I said I would do it, so now I have to” is an easy trap to fall into. But if you’re volunteering and aren’t having fun, and are, in fact, having a miserable time, you are allowed to walk away. In fact, I need you to promise me you’ll walk away. If you find yourself in a situation where you just can’t go on in a beta-read, please message me! I will totally hold your hand as you say, “I’m not the right beta-reader for this project” and then give you all the high fives when it’s done, and we don’t have to let anyone else know why or who or anything.

I’m sure I’ve missed some things here, or there’s other questions, so hit up the ask box with your thoughts. Next week we’ll talk about walking away from a beta-reader as a writer.

#HK's Beta Reading Tips #editing #beta reading #beta reader #fanfiction #fanfic #writing tools #long post

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