#caleb had consumed my life at this point | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

slaymitchabernathy · 17 days

Text

Beating Heart

| "And I don't know where I'm going, but I know it's gonna be a long time. 'Cause I'll be leaving in the morning, come the white wine, bitter sunlight." |

For once, today will not be like other days.

I wake up the same as always, surrounded by gray walls, dressed in gray clothes. I am surrounded by gray. Consumed by it.

I am desperate to get out.

Not by necessity. I have everything I could ever need. But I’m selfish. Too selfish to be in Abnegation. I’ve seen how the others are, how selfless they are without even trying. How my father gives up his seat on the bus to a stranger without even batting an eye. How my neighbor Caleb always helps by opening the doors at school during dismissal. And how his younger sister Clara is always willing to lend a helping hand.

I try to be selfless, to be helpful and I am, but not of my own volition. I wish I could be better, be more helpful but there’s a selfish part of me that longs to do things for myself, to not wear gray clothes and blend in with everyone else. “Stiffs” is what they call us. Since we’re always so stiff, always standing together like cattle.

I have to get out of bed, start my day, cut my hair. I take my time getting out of bed, making sure that my covers are folded neatly and that my pillow is fluffed. At least I don’t have to worry about what to wear, it’s always the same thing. A gray dress, shapeless, unflattering, and a gray long-sleeved shrug. We get new clothes every once in a while but they’re never unique.

I glance around my room one last time before saying goodbye to the four walls I’ve known my whole life. My life up until this point has been peaceful. It’s quiet in my house and I like that, I like how routine-oriented everything in my life is but if it doesn’t change soon then I just know that I’ll lose my mind.

So today, I am going to be selfish.

꧁ ꧂

My father is already downstairs eating breakfast. He gives me the warm smile he always gives me in the morning and nods towards my plate, full of boring, plain food. We only eat what’s necessary, only the nutrients that are absolutely required for our diets. I hate it.

“How did you sleep?” I ask, it’s always custom that the children ask the parents about their days first. I’m going to miss our dinners together. Where he cooks the chicken and I cut the carrots. I’m going to miss my father.

He swallows his food and grunts, “I slept quite well actually. How did you sleep? Any nerves keep you up at night?”

A small smile teases my lips as I grab my cup of water and take a sip. I’ve attended enough Abnegation gatherings to know how most families interact with one another. Conversations are curt and surface level. My father is known for his calm demeanor and is a rather quiet man altogether. At home, he’s much more relaxed, much more open. Which surprises me, but I cherish it, cherish how he bends the rules sometimes and allows for more mature conversations.

“I also slept very well,” I lie, feeling terribly guilty at how easy it’s become for me to lie to him, to everyone. “Although I must admit I’m quite nervous,” I add, and that’s not a lie.

The Choosing Ceremony is today. I chose my future today.

I’ll have my name called out and I will walk onto the stage and take the knife and cut my palm, then I’ll drop my blood into one of the bowls that will determine how and where I spend the rest of my life.

No pressure whatsoever.

We took our Aptitude tests the other day, to help us narrow down and conclude which Faction we’ll belong in the best. It should’ve made me feel better, made my choice clearer but it didn’t.

My results were inconclusive.

The one test that was supposed to tell me who I was and where I belonged was inconclusive.

I, of course, slightly lost my mind. I begged the woman administering my test to tell me what my results meant, why they were inconclusive. She had taken me out the backdoor, into the alleyway of the school and whispered a few words that made me sick to my stomach, “People call it Divergent, you don’t fit into just one category. Just stick with your Faction and you’ll be fine Stiff.”

I didn’t tell my father, didn’t tell anyone. I lied and said that the liquid they made me drink upset my stomach and that I got sent home early. It’s too easy to lie to these people, my people. I have to get out.

He chuckles and shakes his head, “No need to feel nervous Soarynn. I’m sure you’ll make the right decision.”

Our eyes meet for a moment and I begin to wonder what he felt when it was his day to decide his future. My father was born into Abnegation, born and raised and now here I am, his only daughter getting ready to abandon him. I wish my mother were still alive. But she died when I was two. I don’t remember her a lot, and we don’t have any photos of her. Photographs are seen as self-centered and a source of vanity. I wish we had a photo of her.

But I look just like her. That’s what everyone’s told me at least. I remember her being beautiful, even dressed in drab gray clothes she was beautiful. I don’t think I’m beautiful.

“Yes,” I say, looking down at my plate, “I’ll make the right decision.”

꧁ ꧂

Neither of us speaks as he cuts my hair. Today will be the last day my father ever cuts my hair. It’s not too long but not too short. It falls below my shoulders although it hardly matters since it’s always twisted up in a bun. I got my blonde hair from my mother as well. My father has brown hair and brown eyes. I have blue eyes, but they sometimes look gray, as if the clothing is rubbing off on them.

I close my eyes as I sit out in the hallway in front of the small wardrobe we keep out here. The sound of the scissors cutting my hair does nothing to cut the tension in the air. I crack open one eye and take a glance in the mirror in front of me. We aren’t allowed to look in mirrors, more vanity. But every four months, on the third day of the first week, we’re allowed to look in the mirror. I open my other eye and I don’t really know what to think of myself.

Being sixteen is hard enough already, not knowing what you look like makes it even worse. My brown eyebrows remind me that I am still my father’s daughter and I take a moment to memorize my face. My skin is still tan and there are still freckles all over my face. My lips seem to be a decent shade of pink and I wonder what it would look like if I put lipstick on them.

We aren’t allowed to have makeup either.

I’m still a stick figure much to my dismay. Father says that mother was the same way, lean and limber. I don’t think I’m very lean though, nor limber. Lanky might be a better word for it. And little, I wish I could grow taller.

I catch my father’s eyes in the mirror and he smiles, “You look beautiful.”

That means more than he thinks it does.

I nod and look down at the floor, my hair surrounds my feet. “All done,” he tells me before walking around me to slide the wardrobe door shut, taking the mirror away from me. I brush my hair behind my ears and look up at him, he has kind eyes. I’m going to miss him so much.

“Thank you for cutting my hair.”

I’ve offered to cut his hair but he says he prefers to cut it himself. Fine by me. At least he won’t be left without someone to cut his hair when I leave.

“You’re welcome. Now, go get ready and I’ll meet you downstairs in five minutes,” he says, cleaning off the scissors with a cloth. I nod and shuffle into my room. There’s nothing for me to do except sit on the edge of my bed and try to soak it all in for the last time. I will miss how my bedsheets smell and how the light peeks in through the small rectangular window across from my bed.

I pull my hair back into a bun. I don't know what it looks like, what I look like. I will miss knowing that people truly value me for my heart, not my looks.

But I will not miss feeling stuck, like I don't belong.

꧁ ꧂

Many people greet me and my father as we all walk to the Hub. The Hub is the tallest building in all of the city. It used to be called “The Sears Center” but now it is where the Choosing Ceremony is held. There are one hundred floors.

They greet my father more than me but I can’t blame them. He’s one of the Abnegation leaders. He makes public appearances and represents our Faction along with Crassus Snow, another leader and a good friend of my father’s. Crassus is a tall man with broad shoulders, his hair is blonde but he always keeps it clipped short. From what I’ve seen he’s very kind, always willing to lend a helping hand and he’s been nothing but nice to me since I can remember.

But there’s something about his smile that seems forced.

He claps my father on the back as we approach the Hub, the shadow it casts leaves me feeling cold. “Glen, good to see you.” My father gives him a smile, “You as well old friend. Today is quite an exciting day for our children.” Crassus does have a son, but he left when he turned sixteen. I remember it caused quite the scandal considering he’s the son of a Faction leader. Kids at my school said it was because Crassus beat his son but my father assured me that it wasn’t the truth. I don’t recall ever meeting or seeing his son before he left.

“Yes, are you excited Soarynn?” Crassus asks me, looking down to maintain eye contact. I give him a polite smile, “Yes I’m very excited for today. You’ll be presenting, won’t you?” Every year one of the Faction leaders presents the Choosing Ceremony and is in charge of giving out the mandatory speech and handing the knife to every child who makes their way onto the stage.

Crassus nods and doesn’t hesitate to hold the door open for me, which leads to him holding it open for the rest of our Faction so I stay by his side while my father is swept up in the crowd. I’ll see him inside. “I am. Hopefully, it doesn’t cause a scene,” he says with a chuckle.

I furrow my eyebrows and can’t shut my mouth before I ask a question I shouldn’t. “Why would you cause a scandal?” I can feel a few people looking at me but I want to know, even if it’s considered rude to ask your elders such questions. I wait for the scolding but I don’t get one.

Instead, he sighs and looks over at a group of people approaching us, all dressed in blue. “Let’s go inside,” he suggests and I’m quick to walk inside. We walk towards the rest of our group who has, of course, elected to take the stairs instead of the elevator.

“People have been spreading rumors about me. Saying that I used to beat my son and my wife.” I frown, I don’t remember his wife either. “But you didn’t,” I say softly, and my legs already hurt from walking up all these stairs. Crassus nods, “I know. But some people aren’t too fond of me. They don’t want me to be a leader.”

I look around at all the people in my Faction, people who I believe are good, genuine people. How could they spread a lie like that? He notices my staring and chuckles, “No one in Abnegation has been singing these lies Soarynn. But other Factions have.”

I don’t say anything, there’s nothing left to say once I finally see the door that leads to the room where the Choosing Ceremony is held. There’s no walking this back now. My father is waiting for us and he gives me a small smile once I reach him, “Good luck Soarynn,” Crassus says, “I’m sure you’ll make the right choice.” I manage a fake smile but I feel like throwing up if I’m being honest.

My father pulls me to the side once Crassus walks into the room and it’s just the two of us in the stairwell. “I don’t know if this is goodbye,” he says, “but I want you to know that no matter what you decide, I’ll always love you. I’m very proud of you Soarynn.” I can’t cry. Not now. Abnegation aren’t known for showing affection but neither of us hesitate to embrace one another in a tight hug. “I love you too,” I whisper, blinking the tears away. My eyes burn but I don't let it show once we pull away.

He sniffles and clears his throat, “Well, we should head in, find our seats.”

Children sit separately from their parents. Each Faction has a designated seating area and ours is smack in the middle of the room. It’s so loud when we walk in, so many people are talking at once. I spot the many colors of the Factions, all shining brightly. Then I look over at Abnegation, dull as ever.

A woman in a tight-fitting blue dress approaches us. Her hair is frizzy and she has a wild look in her eyes like she might pounce on you at any moment, “Glen, I didn’t know your daughter was Choosing today.” I bite my tongue even though I want to question how this woman knows me. My father simply nods and gives my shoulder a squeeze, “She is Volumina.”

Volumina sizes me up in a matter of seconds before humming to herself, “Today is a very big day for you. Have you prepared yourself?” I subconsciously straighten up my posture, feeling as though this is a very important lady whose impression might matter to me someday, “I hope I have,” I answer. She raises an eyebrow, “I assume you already have a Faction in mind?” It takes everything in me not to glance around the room in search of where I belong. “I have my Aptitude results in mind,” I reply.

Most people here have and will decide on their Faction solely based on their Aptitude results. If only mine were conclusive. She tilts her head, “But it’s your decision, isn’t it?” I wish I could walk away but I can’t embarrass my father or come off as rude. I give her a nervous laugh, “Well, aren’t we supposed to think about our Faction? What’s best for the city?”

If this woman is in the Faction I think she’s in, then she’s looking for a scientific answer. Facts only. And the Aptitude test is as factual as you can get. She leans in, too close for comfort, “I want you to decide what’s best for you, not anybody else.” She straightens up as if none of that happened and gives my father a polite smile, “I’ll see you at the next city meeting, Glen.”

Neither of us says anything as we watch her walk away. “That was Volumina Gaul,” my father tells me as if he can read my mind. I watch her walk back over to her Faction, a big sea of blue.

I nod, “She seemed…prickly.”

The lights flash and it’s time to take our seats. My father takes my hand and gives it a gentle squeeze, “I’ll see you soon.” I don’t return the sentient but I do find my seat. I’m seated next to Clara who’s sitting next to her brother Caleb. Caleb is older by three months but they’re both sixteen. Clara offers me a small smile which I return, “Are you nervous?” She whispers as Crassus takes the stage. I can’t seem to hide the truth from the girl I’ve spent the majority of my life with, “I am.” I’m going to miss Clara.

꧁ ꧂

Names are called out and it feels like an eternity before it’s my turn. Crassus doled out the basic speech about how we get to choose for ourselves and how this is our chance to make a difference. “Faction before blood,” he had said before the Ceremony began. I repeated those words with everyone else in the room but couldn’t help but wonder if everyone actually meant them.

Lots of children chose the Faction they originated from and it led me to really start considering my options.

There’s Amity, the Peaceful. They’re all about kindness. They often dress in bright colors and are always singing and holding hands. They’re harmonious people who provide most of our fresh produce. They’re always outside.

There’s Candor, the Honest. They’re all about being brutally honest. They always wear black and white, always wanting to see things for what they truly are. Their leaders are among the more trusted in our city due to the fact that they’re simply the most honest. Their kids never hold back from sharing their opinions.

There’s Dauntless, the Brave. They’re all about bravery. They wear black and have piercings and tattoos all over their bodies. To get to school, their children jump from a moving train every day. They’re our protectors and I think they’re admirable.

There’s Erudite, the Intelligent. They’re all about knowledge. They often wear blue and most of them wear glasses even though I’m sure they can see without them. They’re always reading something, seeking knowledge. Volumina Gaul is from Erudite.

I don’t know what to choose. Where to go.

Caleb’s name is called and he shoots his sister a smile before standing up and making his way to the stage. There are five bowls on the stage, one for each Faction. Once you cut your hand, you squeeze a drop of blood onto the sizzling coals inside the bowl and it’s done.

I used to have problems with breathing because I would think about the knife, how much it would hurt. Now I prefer it. I need to feel something, to feel pain. To wake up.

Caleb gets onto the stage and takes the knife from Crassus. He cuts into his palm and I hear Clara take in a deep breath as he approaches the bowls. A gasp fills our section when his blood drops into the Amity bowl.

Amity cheers and welcomes him in with open arms and hugs. Clara is in shock. I am too. Caleb and Clara have always screamed Abnegation to me. I can’t believe he deviated. Clara stares straight ahead when her name is called next and she doesn’t offer me a smile. I watch her walk onto the stage and cut into her palm.

She chooses Abnegation.

She’ll have a good life. Marry a kind man and see her parents often. She made the right choice.

“Soarynn Nightingale.”

I swallow and my palms feel sweaty but there’s no time to linger. I push myself up from my chair and my entire body is shaking. I nervously climb the stage steps and reach out for the knife Crassus is holding out to me. He gives me a nod and I have to force my nerves down as I turn to face the bowls. The knife doesn’t even hurt, doesn’t phase me.

I clench my fist and hold it over the Abnegation bowl. I am selfish.

I can feel the blood pooling around my skin, getting ready to drop.

When it does, I move my fist over the Dauntless bowl.

A cheer goes up from the Dauntless section.

A gasp from the Abnegation section.

I am brave.

| Part 1. |

| tumblr oneshot/drabble |

| Divergent x Hunger Games |

14 notes · View notes

trueduckweed · 2 years

Text

The day the brothers entered the demon realm and the day one left it

I see a lot of takes on this so I'm going to give my own personal interpretation of the events! Taking into account Jacob stating they disappeared on the same day, which I think people forget a lot when theorizing

This painting is presumably the day they left to the demon realm. There is a witch, and some members of the colony alongside the brothers are going to hunt them down.

I’d like to point out that Caleb is an adult and Philip is an adult/late teens. We know this by their outfits. Caleb as a child had one green strap and as an adult always has two. Philip’s hair is styled like his adult self and has the same facial structure.

But anyways, Caleb spots the witch but doesn’t tell anyone, separating from the group. Possibly to try and hunt them himself for the credit, possibly to warn them. Philip notices, following behind him.

He crouches behind a tree, seemingly spying on Caleb and the witch. It’s likely that Caleb was brought to the lake and Philip witnessed Caleb enter it but not come out. After this he went back to Gravesfield to tell people what happened to Caleb, which would explain the rumor of the brothers being taken by a witch to a demonic realm told by Jacob. Philip prepared to go after Caleb, putting on a proper outfit and a satchel containing his mask, a journal, and possibly other supplies. But when he went into that same lake...

Caleb had already long left with the witch. Philip emerged from the mines alone on the knee as shown above. His goal of tracking down Caleb remained. In this period of time he started consuming palismen, whist Caleb created a family and a life. Only for Philip to finally find him!

I think Caleb had no idea Philip was even in the demon realm, only increasing his joy at seeing his brother again. I bet he thought something along the lines of ‘Philip must have escaped our terrible life too!’ and he trusted Philip, not realizing he hadn’t changed his lines of thinking.

As for the murder? I bet It went a little something like:

Philip sees Caleb and his pregnant partner, triggering a curse attack which causes Caleb to notice him. Once Caleb realizes who it is and calms him down so they can reunite, he starts to try and catch up with Philip. Telling him about his life and family.

As Caleb brings Philip over to meet his partner, Philip makes a hasty decision to murder said partner. During introductions, when the partner’s back is turned he takes out his knife and attacks. I wonder if Philip thought Caleb wouldn’t stop him (as Caleb would have witnessed the sneak attack) or just figured he couldn’t stop him in time. Either way, to Philip’s shock Caleb used a fire glyph to stop him. Probably just grabbed the first glyph he could and activated it tbh

The fire gets out of control and the couple gets separated. Philip, who was running on adrenaline and self perceived betrayal, moves his target to his brother. His brother who attacked him using magic (never mind that Philip also uses it, Caleb is obviously corrupted) to save the life of a witch!

Philip kills him before the partner can put out the fire enough to reach Caleb. (We see the fire get smaller and eventually put out in the paintings) The partner attacks Philip, forcing him to flee. Philip grows his beard even longer in response to all this bc he’s mental ill </3

One issue though. If Caleb had glyphs on him why would he use a knife? He could have stopped Philip without hurting him, which judging by his attempt to reason with Philip being depicted looks like an ideal outcome for him. So I think it may have been Flapjack that he used to save his partner and start the fire with.

Some evidence for this? It’s stated by Hunter that Flapjack’s staff has notches in the wood from the previous owner and Flapjack has his mysterious scar. This could indicate Caleb using the staff to block strikes from Philip’s knife while trying to reason with him. Philip then hit the eye. Caleb tells Flapjack to flee after that and he does, causing Flapjack to not listen when Hunter tells him to leave in modern times. Or Caleb just dropped him/Flapjack flew away but it seems less likely to me.

He then took out the knife as a final line of self defense, but either couldn’t overpower Philip or couldn’t bring himself to properly fight back until it was too late.

#speculation #the owl house #philip wittebane #caleb wittebane #clawthorne ancestor #I think that's their general tag #wittewife #also another one I see a lot #flapjack toh #hunter toh

51 notes · View notes

stonedregulus · 2 years

Text

September Reads

(Yes, I am very behind. My apologies.)

I read 12 books this month and 0 fics... Apparently I was in an Original Fiction mood. Oops! These are in the order I read them.

The Infinite Noise by Lauren Shippen

Summary:

Caleb Michaels is a sixteen-year-old champion running back. Other than that his life is pretty normal. But when Caleb starts experiencing mood swings that are out of the ordinary for even a teenager, his life moves beyond “typical.” Caleb is an Atypical, an individual with enhanced abilities. Which sounds pretty cool except Caleb's ability is extreme empathy—he feels the emotions of everyone around him. Being an empath in high school would be hard enough, but Caleb's life becomes even more complicated when he keeps getting pulled into the emotional orbit of one of his classmates, Adam. Adam's feelings are big and all-consuming, but they fit together with Caleb's feelings in a way that he can't quite understand. Caleb's therapist, Dr. Bright, encourages Caleb to explore this connection by befriending Adam. As he and Adam grow closer, Caleb learns more about his ability, himself, his therapist—who seems to know a lot more than she lets on—and just how dangerous being an Atypical can be.

Page Count: 352 Genre: YA My Rating: ★★★/5 My Review:

Okay, I had to work for this one. The plot was a bit slow—I feel like it didn’t start to pick up until around Chapter 20. I am also confused by and why the author decided to introduce new characters and start adding on a deeper plot with only a third of the book left. Those loose ends were not tied up at all so I’m hoping the author wraps it all up and answers questions in the 2nd and 3rd books. I think the story line was fine, and the it was written well. I related far too deeply to Adam. I love him and I just want to protect him from the world. LGBTQ+ rep, yay! TW: self-harm, depression, anxiety, homophobia, homophobic slur

Winter’s Orbit by Everina Maxwell

Summary:

While the Iskat Empire has long dominated the system through treaties and political alliances, several planets, including Thea, have begun to chafe under Iskat's rule. When tragedy befalls Imperial Prince Taam, his Thean widower, Jainan, is rushed into an arranged marriage with Taam's cousin, the disreputable Kiem, in a bid to keep the rising hostilities between the two worlds under control. But when it comes to light that Prince Taam's death may not have been an accident, and that Jainan himself may be a suspect, the unlikely pair must overcome their misgivings and learn to trust one another as they navigate the perils of the Iskat court, try to solve a murder, and prevent an interplanetary war... all while dealing with their growing feelings for each other.

Page Count: 432 Genre: Sci-Fi, Romance, Space Opera My Rating: ★★★★/5 My Review:

Court politics, galactic treaties, murder, & slow-burn romance. Its like RWRB meets Star Wars. I’ve actually never read a space opera before but I really enjoyed this! Also hello arranged marriage trope?! Yes gimme gimme.

The Gravity of Us by Phil Stamper

Summary:

As a successful social media journalist with half a million followers, seventeen-year-old Cal is used to sharing his life online. But when his pilot father is selected for a highly publicized NASA mission to Mars, Cal and his family relocate from Brooklyn to Houston and are thrust into a media circus. Amidst the chaos, Cal meets sensitive and mysterious Leon, another “Astrokid,” and finds himself falling head over heels—fast. As the frenzy around the mission grows, so does their connection. But when secrets about the program are uncovered, Cal must find a way to reveal the truth without hurting the people who have become most important to him.

Page Count: 336 Genre: YA My Rating: ★★★/5 My Review:

This was really cute. I felt like every character was relatable at some point which was nice but I had a hard time grabbing on to one specific character to make my blorbo. Idk if that makes sense but I normally like to kind of latch onto one character and instead I felt like I was just kind of floating between a few. The MC is a bit whiney but it’s a cute story! I just felt a bit disappointed with the ending. It kind of felt like ‘idk how to end this sooooo uhm, the end?’

The Darkness Outside Us by Eliot Schrefer

Summary:

Two boys, alone in space. After the first settler on Titan trips her distress signal, neither remaining country on Earth can afford to scramble a rescue of its own, and so two sworn enemies are installed in the same spaceship.

Ambrose wakes up on the Coordinated Endeavor, with no memory of a launch. There’s more that doesn’t add up: Evidence indicates strangers have been on board, the ship’s operating system is voiced by his mother, and his handsome, brooding shipmate has barricaded himself away. But nothing will stop Ambrose from making his mission succeed—not when he’s rescuing his own sister. In order to survive the ship’s secrets, Ambrose and Kodiak will need to work together and learn to trust one another… especially once they discover what they are truly up against. Love might be the only way to survive.

Page Count: 416 Genre: YA, Sci-Fi, Dystopian My Rating: ★★★★★/5 My Review:

This… This is going to be the book that I judge all books on for the rest of my life. Holy shit. No, really, holy shit. I don’t want to over-hype this but I cannot stress enough how good this was. You have got to read this. At first I was laughing because the humor was on point and then suddenly it turned into “Oh fucking shit, what the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck?!” This book gave me an existential crisis. I just… wow. Okay? Just wow.

The Temperature of Me and You by Brian Zepka

Summary:

Sixteen-year-old Dylan Highmark thought his winter was going to be full of boring shifts at the Dairy Queen, until he finds himself in love with a boy who's literally too hot to handle. Dylan has always wanted a boyfriend, but the suburbs surrounding Philadelphia do not have a lot in the way of options. Then, in walks Jordan, a completely normal (and undeniably cute) boy who also happens to run at a cool 110 degrees Fahrenheit. When the boys start spending time together, Dylan begins feeling all kinds of ways, and when he spikes a fever for two weeks and is suddenly coughing flames, he thinks he might be suffering from something more than just a crush. Jordan forces Dylan to keep his symptoms a secret. But as the pressure mounts and Dylan becomes distant with his closest friends and family, he pushes Jordan for answers. Jordan's revelations of why he's like this, where he came from, and who's after him leaves Dylan realizing how much first love is truly out of this world. And if Earth supports life that breathes oxygen, then love can only keep Jordan and Dylan together for so long.

Page Count: 416 Genre: YA, Paranormal, Fantasy My Rating: ★★★/5 My Review:

This was good but… I dunno. It lacked a bit. Like the story line was fine but it just kind of felt like… Idk I felt like there could’ve been more. I wanted moreeeee.

Cemetery Boys by Aiden Thomas

Summary:

Yadriel has summoned a ghost, and now he can’t get rid of him. When his traditional Latinx family has problems accepting his gender, Yadriel becomes determined to prove himself a real brujo. With the help of his cousin and best friend Maritza, he performs the ritual himself, and then sets out to find the ghost of his murdered cousin and set it free. However, the ghost he summons is actually Julian Diaz, the school’s resident bad boy, and Julian is not about to go quietly into death. He’s determined to find out what happened and tie up some loose ends before he leaves. Left with no choice, Yadriel agrees to help Julian, so that they can both get what they want. But the longer Yadriel spends with Julian, the less he wants to let him leave.

Page Count: 352 Genre: YA, Paranormal, Fantasy My Rating: ★★★★★/5 My Review:

If you’re going to read only one book from this list, let it be this one. HOLY WOW. FANTASTIC TRANS REP!!! I felt so seen. I loved all of the characters and ughhhhh *feral cat noises clawing off own skin* It is SO GOOD. The story line is incredible. There’s just so much. I didn’t feel like there were any loose ends, everything made sense. I love Yadriel so much I would literally kill for him.

The Extraordinaries, Flash Fire, & Heat Wave by TJ Klune

Summary:

1) Nick Bell? Not extraordinary. But being the most popular fanfiction writer in the Extraordinaries fandom is a superpower, right? After a chance encounter with Shadow Star, Nova City’s mightiest hero (and Nick’s biggest crush), Nick sets out to make himself extraordinary. And he’ll do it with or without the reluctant help of Seth Gray, Nick's best friend (and maybe the love of his life). 2) Nick landed himself the superhero boyfriend of his dreams, but with new heroes arriving in Nova City it’s up to Nick and his friends to determine who is virtuous and who is villainous. Which is a lot to handle for a guy who just wants to finish his self-insert bakery AU fanfic. 3) Nick, Seth, Gibby, and Jazz are back in action bringing justice, protection, and disaster energy to the people of Nova City. An unexpected hero returns to Nova City and crash lands into Nick's home, upturning his life, his family, and his understanding of what it means to be a hero in the explosive finale of the thrilling and hilarious Extraordinaries trilogy by New York Times bestselling author TJ Klune.

Page Count: 400, 384, 384 Genre: YA, Fantasy My Rating: ★★★★/5 My Review:

The relationship between Nick and his dad is just *chef's kiss*. They're fucking hilarious. I laughed so hard through all three of these. Like constant laughter. I cannot even, so fucking FUNNNNNYYY. I love that the second two books really address the sort of weird cop hero worship of the first book and talked about the BLM movement in a great way. Overall a really cute superhero series with great LGBTQ rep.

What If It’s Us, & Here’s To Us by Becky Albertalli & Adam Silvera

Summary:

1) Arthur is only in New York for the summer, but if Broadway has taught him anything, it’s that the universe can deliver a showstopping romance when you least expect it. Ben thinks the universe needs to mind its business. If the universe had his back, he wouldn’t be on his way to the post office carrying a box of his ex-boyfriend’s things. But when Arthur and Ben meet-cute at the post office, what exactly does the universe have in store for them? Maybe nothing. After all, they get separated. Maybe everything. After all, they get reunited. But what if they can’t quite nail a first date . . . or a second first date . . . or a third? What if Arthur tries too hard to make it work . . . and Ben doesn’t try hard enough? What if life really isn’t like a Broadway play? But what if it is? 2) Ben has spent his first year of college working on his fantasy manuscript with his writing partner Mario, who is a great Spanish tutor, and an even better kisser. So why can’t he stop thinking about the fact that Arthur’s back in town two years after they called it quits? Arthur is in New York for a dream internship on Broadway, with a boyfriend back at home that he couldn't be happier with. But when he comes upon Ben cuddled up with a mystery boy, he starts to wonder if his feelings for Ben ever truly went away. Even as the boys try to focus on their futures, they can't seem to help running into each other in the present. Is the universe forcing them to question if they’re actually meant to be? Possibly not. After all, things didn’t work the first time around. Possibly yes. After all, the sparks are still flying. Sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith and raise a glass. Here’s to celebrating old friends! Here’s to embracing new beginnings! Here’s to believing in second chances!

Page Count: 480, 448 Genre: YA, Romantic Comedy My Rating: ★★★/5 My Review:

These are cute rom coms. The first one had A LOT of Harry Potter and JKR mentions but it was published right before she was outed as a TERF and the second one doesn’t mention HP at all so that’s good. Over all an easy read if you need something chill.

Ace of Spades by Faridah Àbíké-Íyímídé

Summary:

An incendiary and utterly compelling thriller with a shocking twist that delves deep into the heart of institutionalized racism, from an exceptional new YA voice. Welcome to Niveus Private Academy, where money paves the hallways, and the students are never less than perfect. Until now. Because anonymous texter, Aces, is bringing two students' dark secrets to light. Talented musician Devon buries himself in rehearsals, but he can't escape the spotlight when his private photos go public. Head girl Chiamaka isn't afraid to get what she wants, but soon everyone will know the price she has paid for power. Someone is out to get them both. Someone who holds all the aces. And they're planning much more than a high-school game...

Page Count: 432 Genre: YA, Thriller, Mystery My Rating: ★★★★/5 My Review:

This is horrifying but depressingly plausible. I’ve seen so many reviews about how heavy handed this book is and how they didn’t like the “all white people are racist” theme. Guess what? All white people are racist. We have inherent racism, it’s been built into our minds for centuries and it’s our jobs to break down our internalized racism and work on being anti racist. Being anti racist is not a destination. It’s not enough to do a few anti racist things and mark off check boxes to say “I’m not racist.” It’s a journey that we will be on for as long as we live to continue breaking down all of the racist bullshit we’ve been fed throughout our lives. Two quotes from this book really stuck with me: “Growing up, I realized quite quickly that people hate being called racist more than they hate racism itself.” “I don’t trust white people like you do. I obviously don’t think they are all murderers, but I think they are all racist... racism is a spectrum and they all participate in it in some way. They don’t all have white hoods or call us mean things; I know that. But racism isn’t just about that—it’s not about being nice or mean. Or good versus bad. It’s bigger than that.” Most of the white people who are reviewing this book and giving it a bad rating will rant about how unfair and ridiculous it is to call all white people racist. Those reviewers are racist. Full stop. They’re so incredibly mad about being called racist instead of taking the time to evaluate themselves it’s insane, and sad, and they prove the book, which they’re so adamant about being wrong, right. Alright so now that I’m done ranting about stupid people: this book was excellent. So many twists, ones I saw coming and others I didn’t. It’s like Gossip Girl meets Get Out. Some moments are truly terrifying. It kept me on the edge of my seat the whole time. There were just a few things that didn’t get answered that I really wish the author would have addressed by the end of the book because I’m left questioning what happened. I let’s set up nicely for a sequel, I assume it’s getting one, but I doubt my questions will be answered by one.

DNF:

A Marvelous Light, Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe

#book recs #book recommendations #book review #monthly reads #monthly reading wrap up #september reads #the infinite noise #winter’s orbit #the gravity of us #the darkness outside us #the temperature of me and you #cemetery boys #the extraordinaries #flash fire #heat wave #what if its us #heres to us #ace of spades

41 notes · View notes

fandomscraziness22 · 1 year

Text

Julie and the Phantoms fics

dreams are sweet (until they’re not)

There’s a kind of hidden desperation in each of their encounters, like this might be the last time they see each other. The chance of discovery, the reality that every day that passes means Julie’s one day older, the knowledge that this relationship can’t even exist outside of this building—it creeps into the back of their minds, bleeds over into their conversations, spills into their kisses and loving touches.

This can’t last, so we have to make the most of what we have, they tell each other. Because getting a small slice of happiness with each other is worth the inevitable pain.

or, Luke works at the HGC and starts a secret relationship with Julie, with all the danger that entails

share your dreams with me

Band practice is forgotten for a moment as Luke takes in the scene. His friends, all together for a purpose they all believe in. For a sound, for lyrics, for music they all create together. * * just some fluff about how much Luke loves his friends and his dream

one moment is all it takes

Julie smiles again, love for her mom and for this ghost with her overwhelming the grief for a moment. “And she sent me you, the best part of my life. I don’t know where I’d be without you, Luke.”

The couple grins in unison, as they do so often. Julie allows herself a moment to look away from the road to stare at her musical soulmate.

But one moment is all it takes.

time after time

Julie’s mind whirls. “An earlier point in time, you mean?” she says, disbelief evident in her voice.

Agent Taylor clarifies. “What he means is, Mr. Wilson invented a time machine, and chose not to tell the government about it until it was stolen by terrorists.”

or, the timeless au no one asked for but i wanted to write

let go of the world you know

he can feel them slipping his life from before they’re still there but just barely like one strong wind could blow them away into the dust, forever

or, Caleb takes Luke's memories, and it's not pleasant

i’m hold onto pieces of us that i just can’t let go

Reggie hasn’t stopped crying for seven days straight. Or at least, it feels like it. Alex was crying for what felt like an hour and it had been twenty five years, so Reggie's not sure on how time works for ghosts sometimes. All he knows is the bright ball of light that was Julie Molina has been snuffed out and it feels like the world has stopped and is holding its breath. .... And suddenly, a new thought occurs to him. Reggie bolts upright, hope exploding in his chest.

“What if she’s a ghost?”

can’t kill the fire i feel inside

“It's called the Pull.” The words that spell doom for Luke are some of the simplest ones he’s ever heard.

“The Pull?” he questions.

Willie nods. “It’s a weird thing that happens with some ghosts. An all-consuming need to be with someone, a deeper instinct than normal attraction or love. It doesn’t happen often, but always between two ghosts, and it’s part of their unfinished business."

alone together

through him (through them) she finds

music passion hope creativity life once more

friendship quickly blossoms into shared time, shared thoughts, shared

souls

learn to live with the unimaginable

Ray had thought he was done with it all. The tests, the scans, the anxious drives to and from the hospital, the endless waiting, the hopeless horror. But he was wrong. ~~~ Having a brother is all fun and games until

until your mom dies.

then, having a brother is a necessity.

let’s be crazy

Julie chalked up, getting ready to try her new dismount from the uneven bars when she looked over to see Luke jumping on the floor. She smiled slightly at his antics.

“What do they make this springy floor out of?” Luke asked.

“Springs,” Julie deadpanned.

or, i started watching make it or break it and made it Juke

if it’s only a game you lost me

“You’re different,” Willie concludes.

“Different, bad?”

“Bad for me.” Alex’s heart drops at that. “I didn’t want to think about you,” Willie continues. His face is earnest, and his tone isn’t harsh, just sincere. “I wanted to stay focused. And then I saw you…after you got shot. Fighting for your life.” His voice grows softer, drawing Alex’s eyes back to his face. And then it shutters closed again as Willie says, “But you’re right. I’m kevlar, you’re not.”

“You don’t have to be.”

i feel something around me now

Luke Patterson, the bastard of the barrel, limped his way into the chapel.

It was the last place someone like him should be, considering what he had done in the past to earn the nickname "Dirtyhands," but the Inferni chasing him left him with few options. He hoped Julie wouldn't run into any trouble, since the Inferni was only following him. Julie could take care of herself, but he couldn't stop the single thread of anxiety from snaking down his back at the thought of her being in danger.

i miss the days when

The door slams open and Luke shoots to his feet, an admonishment on the tip of his tongue. It dies the second he sees Rose burst through the door, a wild and panicked look in her eyes. “Luke, come with me.” She runs to him, grabbing his arm and pulling him towards the exit.

“Rose, what?” Luke tries to pull away, but damn this woman is strong. “I have a show–”

“They’re hurt,” she throws over her shoulder, still yanking him out of the building. “Mi hermana found your boys, and it’s not good.”

past the curses and cries

She jolts upright, looking around for the others. Alex and Reggie are sprawled a short distance away, and Luke is only two feet to her right.

But Luke’s wheezing in pain, and there’s a huge red stain on the suit jacket he stole for his disguise. Julie’s breath leaves her in a gasp as she hurries to him.

prompt fill set in an HP au because why not!

i’ll watch

the thing about being a wordsmith is you have so many (almost too many) words to express yourself

and yet they aren't enough

the irony is cruel on his tongue.

he watches her get older without him.

running with fire, i live like a liar

The man stops moving and says in a raspy voice, “Hey sweetheart.”

Julie’s so shocked it takes a moment to even realize that he’s talking to her. She blinks at him, but he just shoots her the same smirk he gave her when she first picked him out from the crowd. He keeps his voice low and says, “You shoulda told me our honeymoon was going to be this much fun.”

Julie stares at his blue-green eyes, now perfectly clear and full of mirth. He squeezes her hand once, then lets go and moves his legs under him so he can crouch beside her. “Let’s go slow, while they’re distracted,” he breathes in her ear. A shiver runs down her spine as she nods. Even though she doesn’t know this boy, they’re in this together now.

Full of Love, Full of Light

Julie keeps talking. “Reggie, I’m so glad you’re here with me, and I love you. Thank you for being a part of my family.”

Reggie’s definitely not crying now; those aren't tears welling in his eyes, nope, not at all. He sniffles and whispers, “Thanks Julie. I love you too.”

or, 3 times Reggie feels like a part of the Molina family

i stumble through the wreckage, rusted from the rain (there’s nothing left to salvage, no one left to blame)

It's been a very long time since Alex has kept a secret this big from the people he loves. One that can change everything. One that's so big, so monumental, life will never be the same once he shares it.

And he can say with certainty that he hasn't missed the anxiousness that comes with keeping a secret like this. The way his mind whirls in circles, coming up with every possible scenario of what could happen when he tells them. How his stomach rolls, and his insides turn to jelly at the thought of revealing it. How the fear keeps his fingers locked, and his breath short.

How much danger there is in telling the truth. ... “We’re getting out of here. Tonight. There’s a ghost who can free our souls from Caleb.”

nothing broken (just our minds)

The quiet of the studio is broken by saxophones playing a very familiar tune. The sound comes from everywhere, and yet nowhere, all at once. Luke jolts upright, guitar almost falling off of his lap. He clutches it tightly as the sax continues, a drumbeat adding to the sound now.

This can’t be possible. Caleb’s gone; they got rid of the stamps. Luke checks the inside of his wrist, panicked that somehow the purple seal will stain his skin. But there’s nothing there.

or, Caleb sends a song to torture the boys

in a world i can’t fix (with a hammer in my fist)

“Connection. That’s why you play, why your passion is music. You long for the special connection between performer and watcher, between singer and listener.”

Luke’s not sure how Caleb knew that. Maybe he had been paying attention during all those rant sessions Luke had in his office (before the jolts came, of course).

“I…” Luke can’t find any words, so Caleb fills the space with a wave of his hand. “We need people like that in the Hollywood Ghost Club, Lucas. But to have that connection, you need audience members. And that is exactly what we are here to do today.”

don’t tell me that it wasn’t black and white

“Well, I suppose a name would make things easier, Detective,” August continued, and Julie was glad he seemed to have missed her confusion. “A word -- a signifier to your senses. Something that means a smell, a feeling, a taste…” He trailed off, eyes flicking to her lips once again. Julie’s heart gave a traitorous jump.

In the distant future, Private Investigator Julie Molina finds herself with a case that leads to an annoying yet attractive agent helping her, and maybe....the hint of something more?

i can’t change the past but i can fight to change today

“It’s a song about a girl named Emily?” Julie says, and the woman’s eyes dart between the paper and Mitch. “I’m Emily,” she whispers. Julie nods solemnly and holds out the paper. “Then I think your son may have written this song for you.” Emily takes the song as Mitch puts his hands on her shoulders, leaning to read it as she unfolds it. Julie’s fully prepared to stand here and watch them read it, but then the boy behind her begins to sing.

Julie can hear Luke sing Unsaid Emily. It's... a lot

my mind is a home i’m trapped in

Alex loves being able to use his drums as an extension of himself. Sometimes he pretends his anxieties are laid out on each piece of the set. The thoughts of being dead? Clang, the symbols go. The hidden fear that his friends will turn on him for liking boys? Thump, his foot hits the pedal of the bass drum. He whacks the high and medium toms, pretending he’s beating back the questions of why and how and who and where. Those questions are different depending on the days, but he places them all onto the drums, letting himself get lost in the rhythms he creates. The anxiety backs down, the fear recedes, and he finds the enjoyment in keeping tempo for his friends.

It’s all going great, until they reach the bridge.

hold you in my arms and i won’t let go

Everyone else is broken, so Alex can’t be. Someone needs to step up, and he volunteers himself for the task.

He knows, of course, that if he said this in so many words, everyone would be quick to take the burden from him. His anxiety aside, he knows that doing things alone isn’t the Molina style. Or Julie and the Phantoms’ style either. A small part of him knows that if Julie could see him, she would give him a soft smile and remind him that they are a family, and families don’t shoulder these heavy burdens alone.

But Alex shoves imaginary Julie to the back of his mind. He has to do this, because he doesn’t know what will happen if he doesn’t.

wide awake in the middle of your nightmare

It happens so fast.

One minute, Luke’s watching Julie as she sings her heart out on stage. Completely mesmerized by her talent and her beauty.

Looking back later, Luke thinks that’s what the problem was. He’s always been too enamoured by Julie--too amazed by her to realize she wasn’t indestructible. She wasn’t permanent. She was fragile, even; more so than he was, because he was already dead. She never seemed breakable; the wrecking ball of talent was the one doing the destruction, breaking hearts with tragic songs and blowing minds with her incredible voice. He forgot that Julie, no matter how tough she seemed, still needed to be protected.

Accidents could still happen.

everything has got a price

But maybe the little that does is enough. Maybe, maybe, but maybe not--

Luke and Julie vanish into thin air, leaving the Orpheum Theater behind them.

~~~

It’s not enough.

They reappear into the worst place in the club, the room Luke hates the most: Caleb’s office. Nothing good ever happens in this cursed area. Luke shakes off memories of Alex clutching his chest, breath coming in short gasps, and Reggie with tears in his eyes as Luke begs for another chance, just stop hurting them.

trade my joy for her protection

“Julie, we have to have this out.”

“No, Luke, we--”

He cuts her off. “Julie, yes we do. We need to talk about it.”

don’t say goodbye

Bobby has to keep him talking so he knows his friend is still there. If Luke falls unconscious again... “Where did you get the street dogs from?”

Luke whimpers as another spasm hits him, then answers, “Sam’N’Ellas. They were close by and they were cheap.”

If the situation were different, Bobby would laugh at Luke for convincing Alex and Reggie to eat from the sketchy couple selling hot dogs out of their car. The bandmates had walked by them two weeks ago when they got the call they could play their showcase at the Orpheum, and Alex had insisted they go check out the theater.

But there’s nothing funny about watching Luke writhe in pain on the ground. ... or, Bobby finds the boys after the hotdogs and has to watch what happens next

music is the only place i can go to speak to you

If Julie could put a relationship status for herself and music, it would be “it’s complicated.”

Julie’s mom and music were so intertwined in her life. Her mom was music.

But that’s the key word, isn’t it? Was.

or, Julie thinks about music and her mom

you are alive.

Julie’s fingers still as she says, “Your hair’s getting longer. We should trim it.”

Luke doesn’t think ghosts’ hair can grow, but it’s not a big deal, so he doesn’t bother asking Willie about it.

or, the boys come back to life slowly

Watch You Breathe In

The scream rips from Julie’s throat, terror coursing through her. Not Carlos, please don’t let him die. He’s only ten.

She watches as Caleb jerks his knife out of Carlos’ stomach, her brother crumpling up and falling to the ground.

Her feet are moving instantly, rushing towards the small form lying way too still for someone with so much energy.

Please let him be okay.

you were an angel in the shape of my mom

Those plants cannot die.

That wouldn't be fair to Mom, because she loved those plants almost as much as she loved music, or her family, or those little dancing Santas the stores would have at Christmastime (which Carlos also loved, because they always made him laugh, and his mom had the best laugh which made him laugh even harder).

Carlos wrestles with grief, and takes care of some plants

it is for family that he plays

But now, Reggie can tell his friends are split in the worst of ways, and he doesn’t know what he is supposed to do.

Taking Caleb’s offer was off the table when it was simply choosing between playing for him or playing with Julie. Reggie had everything he needed with his new band — with Julie (including a family of lifers that didn’t know about him yet but he enjoyed their company nonetheless).

Rejecting Caleb’s offer had been easy.

The circumstances, however, had changed.

reggie's pov of Nothing to Lose

it is for dreams that he drums

Alex’s arms kept moving as his mind whirled. Luke was fully under Caleb’s spell now, facing the crowd beside the magician. Alex tried to stop playing, but his hands didn’t belong to him anymore. They moved to Caleb’s rhythm, keeping the tempo for the rest of the band, backing Caleb’s vocals as he continued to sing. He had given up looking for Willie, and focused on trying to get out of the club. ... Alex couldn’t let himself focus on the loss of control for too long, because he didn’t have time to spiral now. Escape first, panic later.

alex's pov during Nothing to Lose

it is only for love that he sings

This isn’t how music works. This isn’t how it should work, anyway. But it’s happening, without his permission. .... Luke knows music. And this is a perversion of everything he’s ever desired.

it's basically just luke's pov of the end of Nothing to Lose i saw imène's post and spiraled

right this way

Julie, meanwhile, is once again struck by the similarities between Luke and Donny. “Flying Solo” had turned out amazing, and they had written so many songs together since then. She had opened her dream box and used some of her other lyrics and poems she had written in the year after her mom died to create new songs with Luke, changing them around, combining them, adding his ideas to her words. And Donny had done the exact same thing for Julia; taken her words and put them to music to touch people in a new way.

or, the band watches a movie for Julie's homework and get more than they bargained for.

The Last Night

Reggie comes late to band practice one day and the boys have a revelation

Based on some lines from "The Last Night" by Skillet

dying takes longer (the second time around)

What if the jolts had lasted a little longer before Julie could give her boys the magic hug? Takes place during 1x09, starting right after the Orpheum performance Alex, Luke and Reggie's pov

Written for JATP Appreciation Week Day 7: write something set in canon-verse (mine's a little canon-divergent, sorrynotsorry)

watching is worse (the second time around)

What if the jolts had lasted a little longer before Julie could give her boys the magic hug? Takes place during 1x09 after the Orpheum performance, Julie's pov

Written for JATP Appreciation Week Day 7: write something set in canon-verse (mine's a little canon divergent, sorrynotsorry)

Butterflies and Glitter

Julie takes a second to notice the boy's outfits after their magical hug

Written for JATP Appreciation Week Day 4: found family Also written using prompt 74 from this list by @niamaggie on tumblr: https://niamaggie.tumblr.com/post/633529458786238464/100-julie-and-the-phantoms

Road Work?

Julie enjoys (somewhat) teaching the boys about modern slang. But Flynn is the master, so when she yeets a paper, the boys are confused. Vine references abound.

Written for JATP Week Day 4: write a fic including pop culture/memes

Music is Gone

Julie's thoughts as she runs away from music class and talks with Flynn during ep 1, including the deleted scene

Written for day 1 of JATP week: favorite character

16 notes · View notes

borealnyx · 6 months

Text

Tag 9 People You Want to Get to Know Better

@letsoulswander tagged me, so let's hit it

these are fun because i always forget what i have enjoyed at any point in my life, including 5 minutes ago and send me into an existential crisis

3 Ships: Crozier/Fitzjames(The Terror), Rhaenyra/Alicent(HotD) and Jaime/Brienne(AsoIaF)

First Ever Ship: Cornelia/Caleb(WITCH comics) they broke my heart but looking back he was so right

Last song:Altay, by Otyen and Ummet Ozcan(investigating the vibe for my dnd character playlist)

Last movie: Possession 1981

Currently reading: Master and Commander by Patrick o'Brian and some unnecesarily long asoiaf fanfics

Currently watching: Finishing the first season of 30 monedas and starting the curse

Currently consuming: a tangerine? idk man, i had some boba this afternoon??

Currently craving: the death of nationalism... and a durum

Tagging @glittertrail @midnightnixe @goldenliartrash @dis-queen-of-erebor @boldlygoingbacktobed @movietonight @padmeedala @sapphicfolch @saltyfilmmajor

#ana writes her own posts for once #tagged #if ayone has any questions about the last one #i went to madrid to have lunch and there were some individuals around #in places where i could see them AND hear them #Also durum yummy

4 notes · View notes

loiswasadevil · 2 years

Text

//im sorry if youre seeing this on the tl its literally my only way to communicate with peter at this point// Peter, Please just talk to me. All I want is to Heal our Family.. Thats all it’s ever been about. I’m sorry for what I said and for overreacting, but You have to understand how alone i feel when you leave me for months. Please, i don’t want you to feel like you have to lie to me. But I know that you called me by accident last week, i could hear feet stomping on the floor, jokes being told. It was a 15 minute voicemail. You were not in the hospital caleb, It sounded like a party. I sit here and wait for you to get home, other than the media i so desperately consume You Peter are my only joy in the world. I just want to watch Family Guy with you and raise our Family together. Peter.. I don’t know what I did to you that made you feel like you had to lie to me and im fucking sorry I just want you to love me and i Want us to shift again and be happy together. I want the lies to stop, I want to know that you are really who you say you are. Sometimes it feels as though you purposefully Turn my Key... As if you want to unleash the Devils Heart for some reason.. I want to believe this isnt true but sometimes Peter you purposefully turn that key and I cannot turn a blind eye to that- A Devil Sees All. I want my heart locked away. I don’t want to react like this. I try and try to heal but you throw a catalyst at my heart like a glass man throwing stones. I want to know your reason for ghosting me for almost two entire months peter. You know that summer is one of the hardest periods in my life every single year and you abandon me. Maybe i’m too much. Maybe its too hard to care for someone like me. But I need to know why you left me alone for months WHILE you continued to post on other social medias and other accounts. It isn’t about the fact that you were “in the hospital” Caleb it’s about how you leave me till the last second every time you are “in the hospital”, and how your story never adds up, you NEVER talk about your injury ever again maybe a week after you get discharged. And ever since your last visits you just want to change your ID and be farther apart from me than ever. You always convince me to rs to realms that im NOT comfortable shifting in and i do it anyways because i love you, but you must realize these things put strain on a heart. You just want to get as far away as you can without telling me why and its driving me insane Peter. Just tell me why you leave me so often, Why you continue to post stimboards and fandom posts and update your wikis even though you can’t message me, your special only ever....I just want to know what i did...

8 notes · View notes

allthewayonmars · 1 year

Text

blood roses (one)

“Blood roses are not deadly but, they can make you slightly feverish and numb if you get pricked by them.”

Loving you was a mistake, a terrible mistake that one should not make if one values one's sanity. I fell hard for you and now I have to pay the price of that. “They can make you slightly feverish and numb if you get pricked by them.”I got too close and you pricked me. You fooled me into thinking that what we had was mutual and here I am, stuck.

It was never always like this, you used to be kind and attentive but you changed. I can’t tell when it happened, its all a blur-

I was always anxious growing up, to the point of me having to be excused from my classes on the weekly basis. My parents were sweet enough to have removed me from the entire public school system and I was stuck in as a homeschooler. I craved to be around people if I’m being honest. I would constantly beg to be put back on the daily basis but, it was better for me to be away from other at that stage.

One day I made up my mind that I would be attending a public university, all I had to do was to convince the parents, should be easy right? Wrong. It turned into an argument every time and, every point I would bring up but be shot down with a perfectly concocted counter-argument. But I got them to stumble and somehow it was early August and I was packing to move away to my new dorm, my new life.

The “getting used to things” stage was easy, I found it simple to assimilate. Walking around campus was the one difficult place. The anxiety would never let my head rest for a moment, it felt like buzzing more than words and I felt eyes all over me constantly. There was one day that was particularly harder for me than the rest, the stress of not receiving the desired grade that I believed I deserved paired with the eyes and the buzzing additionally paired with the twenty-five-minute walk to my room did not make things better. As I attempted to speed-walk my way through campus I bumped into someone on accident. With my luck, I tripped and fell and my face almost made contact with the ground but, the mystery person grabbed my arm, saving me from complete embarrassment. Pulling myself away from the person, I finally glance towards the person, and there lay the most beautiful auburn-colored eyes paired with honey-browned hair on top of his head. I mumbled out a pathetic “sorry” as I sped past him.

I wish I could say that would be the last time that I saw him. The second time I was sitting at a coffee shop struggling with a paper that was due later that day. I never drink coffee but the scent of ground coffee beans consumes me, so I end up finding myself drawn to coffee shops. The shop was not busy but it wasn’t empty either and you could tell that the employees were glad to have this downtime. I heard the little jingle that the door makes when someone enters and I just so happened to be in that direction. I notice a person in a “not too dark” but “not too light” blue hoodie and sweatpants walk toward the counter to place an order and I could hear him speak clearly over the light jazz music that was playing in the background.

“A two-shot expresso with light almond milk and a teaspoon of sugar.”

His voice sounded smooth and he spoke like a politician. His words could cast spells in the way he spoke. I look back to my screen but I couldn’t help but return to him, I was enthralled. He paid with cash, specifically a twenty-bill, and place the change in the front pocket of the hoodie. He turned to walk to the nearest table and sat as he pulled out his phone and that was where I could see him clearly, the same auburn-colored eyes and his hair. There were distinct curls in it and his hair was to the length that you could tuck it behind your ear. Looking down I could distinguish what looked like to be videos as he swiped through them.

An employee entered from the back with a drink in hand, reading the label on the cup she said in a raised volume-

“Caleb”

Caleb stood from his chair and placed the phone in his pocket as he walked toward the employee. He shot them a quick smile thanking them before taking the cup away from them. As he walked to the exit I see him look back at me and smirk before pushing the door open. I was in shock, did he know that was watching him the entire time? If he knew why did he say something? Flooded with questions I look back down at my screen and see the time and frantically return to writing my paper.

#writers #writing #romance #young adult #short story #college au

1 note · View note

immaculatetfs · 3 years

Text

Couple Looking

Caleb checked his new profile. Him and Ethan had been growing further and further apart in the past year. a threesome spice things up, he promised himself, looking over the newly created profile.

After a minute of looking through local gays, the unmistakable drroup of a new message rang out, a banner falling down reading“DaddyBear69 has messaged you”

“Facepick?”

Some things never changed. Caleb scrolled through his gallery, crawling through an eternity of pets, friends and food before finally getting a nice picture of them as a couple.

Caleb similed, memories of what Ethan and he had done in those woods filling his mind. It seemed that these days the only thing Ethan did was work, always coming back late and too tired to do anything but sleep and watch TV.

“You guys are hot ;)”

“Babe?” Ethan walked into the room, sweaty from his morning run. “Any luck?”

Caleb turned the phone to his husband, showing the beefy bear to him.

“Woof” he chuckled.

“I’ll take that as a yes.”Caleb smirked ”When did you wanna get him over?”

“Dunno, round 10? I always like it better in the morning”

“Sure, I’m free all Saturday”

He informed their new partner that they were interested, giving him the details.

“Great ;) see you guys then”

That was surprisingly simple, Caleb thought. Now all he had to do was wait

Saturday morning, the couple were woken by a powerful nock at their door. Caleb looked over to the alarm clock and groaned, it was already 10:15..

Shit

Ethan, always the morning person, shot out of bed and strode towards the door buck naked.

“What are you doing?”Caleb hissed

“He’ll see us like this anyway, no point in false modesty” his partner shrugged

Before Caleb could reply, Ethan had already left. He could hear footsteps going up to the door, and the subsequent squeak of its hinges. Ethan's voice was muffled by the walls, accompanied by another, much deeper voice that Caleb assumed belonged to their visitor. Cursing, he pulled himself out of bed and hastily shoved on some underwear, a pair that he only realized were inside out when he reached their guest.

He was much bigger in person than he had been from the picture he had sent, towering over both of them at what must be 6’5 in height. A tight, strained gym shirt and shorts hugged his meaty body, exposing the curly black forest of hairs across his forearms and shins. It seemed as though all the hair that on his head had instead dispersed across his massive body.

The stranger smirked at him as he playfully slapped his husband's bare ass, leaving a faint red mark.

“Should we get started?”

Blushing, Ethan showed the bull of a man to their room. He seemed to follow Ethan’s example, leaving a train of sweaty clothes across the hallway. Caleb frowned at this, but Ethan hardly noticed.

Standing fully nude before them, he was the epitome of raw masculinity, all mature sweat, muscle, hair, and shit-eating grins. Ethan usually topped, but it was plain from where Caleb had sat that he would be bottoming today. Ethan plopped down onto the bed, his cock taught and red as his legs were pulled apart in front of him. Calloused hands explored his legs, feeling across his tight claves and up to two chunky pale thighs, while Ethan's fingers glided through a sea of curly black chest hair.

Caleb couldn't help but notice that The stranger’s cock was unnaturally large, 12 inches and as thick as a coffee mug, yet it seemed like it was still growing. Ethan moaned as his feet were grabbed up to the stranger's mouth where his fat pink tongue began to explore their thick rough skin.

Are you going to join in? Caleb heard his husband say, half a moan, half a question.

No, no I'm fi…. Shit!

Caleb's eye’s had left his husband's feet and noticed the size that the stranger’s member had grown to. It was inhuman, a fat heavy cock that was now almost as big as the thighs is swung next to. The stranger must have noticed the stare as the man left Ethans’s toes and give a wicked smile to Caleb, right before he pushed Ethan's slick, wet feet back together and slowly pressed them into the fat red mushroom head of his oversized cock.

Caleb found he could not move, only able to watch as his husband was slowly swallowed by the stranger’s python. It seemed to move up his body, immobilizing Ethan as he moaned in ecstasy, feeling as his body became enveloped with the warm, musty glory of this masculine cock.

Soon it was up to his torso

“I-- i can't feel my legs”

‘They're long gone boy, melted into my thick, hot spunk”

“I-- I don-”

“Is that what you want? Do you want to be daddy’s streaming, salty musky baby batter?”

“I---”

“you want to be daddy’s cum” his voice commanded

“Yes daddy”

“Good”

The process sped up. Within a minute, all that was left of Ethan was a head poking out of a massive cock, liquidating as walls of the shaft transformed Caleb's husband into nothing but clear, slick pre-cum.

The Stranger ran his hands over his massive leaking cock, grunting in satisfaction. When he was satisfied that it was done, he glanced over to the immobile Caleb.

“Did you like that boy?” his eyes were Caleb's underwear, noticing the wet patch that had formed in his tenting underwear

Meekly, the smaller man nodded, his eyes never leaving the cock that contained what used to be his husband

“Did you want to join him?”

“Huh?’

“Join him”

“I don-”

“Join him” his voice was steel

“Join him” Caleb repeated

“Good.”

Before he knew it, Caleb was kneeling on the floor, that massive, musky cock dripping proudly before him. The shaft had shrunk after Ethan had been consumed, but attached to it were hairy balls as huge as udders. He placed his hand gently onto them, feeling the warmth of the wrinkled, hairy skin.

“Don't give me blueballs, kid. Get into it”

The mushroom head of his cock was angry red underneath his foreskin. Caleb took it into his mouth, the salty earthy taste of it overwhelming his senses. a rough hand grabbed his hair and pushed him down, sending the massive cock down into his throat, then rhythmically pulling him back. The wild forest of pubes tickled Caleb’s face, but nothing mattered but the rhythmic movement of being facefucked.

8==>

The stink of sweat and musk cloying to the man made Caleb dizzy, barely noticing his arms and legs retreated into his body. His organs were rearranging, stretching out to become a simple, straight passage down from mouth to his as. An ass which was in its own way transforming, widening as it came to resemble a cockslit. With one last push down onto his balls, Caleb's mouth fused to the stranger's crotch. He felt the cock inside in his mouth dissolve, a wave of cum entering what had been his mouth, and beginning to flow through him. His face smoothed out into the soft skin of cockflesh. Veins spring up across his body as the stranger’s blood pumped through his body, turning his soft, spongy flesh hard to the touch. He felt warm rough hands massaging his sensitive body, creating a combination of pressure and pleasure that turned his brain into cockflesh. His ass ballooned out, a layer of protective skin covering it to form the shape of a mushroom head.

He could no longer think or speak, so Caleb’s entire world became feel. He craved the sense of touch, the feel of hands tugging him and massaging him. He wanted to be squeezed into a tight wet hole as his owner plunged him again and again into some bottom, to be warm and wet as a talented tongue expertly moved across his hard bulging body. When it came, the orgasm of the man he now only knew as ‘master’ was the only thing that seemed to matter in the world, ‘Caleb’ not even realizing it was his life partner’s essence flowed through his body in blissful pulses, soaking the bed they had slept in just that very night

“That has to be the best one this month,” Chuck thought to himself, watching as the spunk that had been the puny man congealed across the bedsheet. “Never even got their names” he examined his python, grown by an inch from his new addition. “Eh, doesn't matter. They're gone permanently” he gave a rich, hearty laugh to himself, admiring his work and he pushed out the last few drops of Ethan from his new cock.. He looked down at his phone, displaying 15 new messages from Grindr. He smirked, put his clothes back on, and went off to his next victims.

#CTF #inanimate transformation #male transformation #gay male tf #gay vore

327 notes · View notes

loquaciousquark · 4 years

Text

Talks Machina Highlights - Critical Role C2E111 (Sept. 29, 2020)

@eponymous-rose‘s internet is out tonight, so I’m here late and without coffee! Let’s see how many typos we can fit into an hour and a half episode.

Tonight’s guests: Ashley Williams JOHNSON, oops!! & Liam O’Brien!

We open with Brian in light-up vented sunglasses and Henry at his side, as always. Dani is very excited to be back and has fun-buns in her hair tonight. So cute! Everyone talks about how much they’re Zooming these days for work, and Liam mentions he and Matt & Marisha did a digital cocktail night. He and Dani arrange on camera to have a distanced, masked meetup in the park so Dani can see Liam’s dog again.

No announcements! Tonight, we’re discussin’ episodes 110 and 111.

Starting with the end, Brian jumps right to it by asking how they feel that Molly is alive. Liam 100% thought we’d be back to him, but still wasn’t ready when it happened. Caleb doubted he was alive. Both Liam & Ashley marvel at the numerology that keeps cropping up throughout the show. Brian hates not being able to see it at the same time the show happens live; Ashley was biting her tongue not telling him spoilers. (He doesn’t want to hear spoilers unless Yasha dies so he can be there for Ashley if needed.) Brian says he has a little reality trauma from the night Pike died in the pre-stream game; it was the first time he’d realized how much it affected the players.

Ashley’s realized how much she misses unpacking the game with Brian when they get home. She just has to sit with it until everyone else gets to see it. Brian: “Instead she comes home and I have to fill her in on the Real Housewives of Amarillo, Texas.”

Reunion dinner with Trent! Liam talks about how the way things unfolded with Trent is not at all how he imagined it in his pre-game creation; he’d expected more of a fracas, more of an unexpected clash. “Caleb might have been a different person if he’d run into these people earlier in the story. The M9 changed him before [Trent & co] came back and got to him.” He’d imagined Astrid & Eodwulf to be complicated encounters, but says what Matt’s designed has been even harder than that. A fight on a mountain is one thing, but walking into a room with “what Trent dropped, is impossible to cope with.” It also means that if what Trent said is true, anything Caleb does now is effectively of Trent’s design, even killing him.

He doesn’t think Caleb would have gone anywhere near Trent & co without the M9. “The Mighty Nein--it took a long time--but they cracked Caleb open like a walnut.”

He thinks what Matt has done is much more murky than the simplicity of murder, such as the Briarwood arc. He can’t just exact his revenge now.

Liam says that the tempation to tinker with time is no longer as all-consuming as it was. He might still be tempted if Matt dangles a bunch of carrots in front of him, but he thinks that now it might be better to make sure that that kind of thing doesn’t happen anymore for anyone else (!!!). “It’s still a nugget in his brain and it’s still possible he could be tempted by the drug, but what he wanted in the beginning was entirely selfish, but now that the M9 are involved he owes it to them, to the people of the country, even on the Dynasty side--is so complex that if Caleb were to get that carrot and chase it, he would be risking everything.”

Ashley agrees that most of their choices are no longer black and white. Many of the situations feel more like real life. Liam agrees and says he’ll sometimes make decisions that he’s both really happy with and regrets at the same time. They both look forward to what Matt will reveal in Act 3.

Brian feels it’s tough to gauge how deep they are into what Matt’s planned for the campaign. Liam says that thanks to Matt’s skill, he really doesn’t know what Caleb wants right now.

Ashley agrees, and talks about how she created Yasha to have more to overcome than Pike. She loves what Matt’s doing in terms of allowing each of them to overcome more emotional hurdles than physical ones in this campaign.

Going back to Molly’s grave was very exciting for Ashley since she wasn’t able to be there when he died in the game & wanted to do what she could to honor him. Yasha, however, was very hesitant but knew what needed to be done. She’s not very open with her emotions, but both she & Ashley were stressed. They all could feel the energy in the studio & knew Matt was about to do something mind-blowing. Liam: “You could feel all the dust in the air coalescing around Taliesin.”

Brian trips over Eodwulf. Liam tries to help him find some pronunciation shortcuts. Ashley: “You say it so beautifully.” Brian: “Thank you.” Ashley: “Not you.”

Caleb knows how wickedly intelligent & ambitious Astrid is, and was heartened by the wavering he saw in her at the dinner. However, he can’t trust her until he knows why she’s where she is.

He really feels that if they’d had this dinner 60 episodes ago, Caleb might have tilted back along the evil axis and he would have had to retire the character. He had a playlist entirely for if Caleb turned evil and left the party.

The vision of Zuala was a huge deal for Yasha, even along every other instance she’s had of being mind-controlled, etc. “That’s guilt I think she will always carry with her, but at least she’s starting to forgive herself.” Losing the chains, sprouting wings again--Ashley reiterates that she didn’t know that was even a possibility, she just picked the skeletal wings because they were dope--were huge moments in the character development. Ashley’s glad Beau was there at the moment of the first flight; Ashley thinks of the quotation “Happiness is only beautiful when it’s shared,” and because Yasha tends to keep things very much to herself, having someone there to share it made it more impactful. “That was a cool moment. There’s been a lot of healing for Yasha these last episodes.”d

Ashley also says sometimes in that moment, when all eyes are on you in a one-on-one with Matt, everything goes muffled like Saving Private Ryan. “Wub wub wub.”

Dani feels that the only way she could even have the conversation with Zuala was to let her go in the first place.

Liam thinks one of the things that Yasha & Cad share is that still waters run deep. He loves how much Yasha hangs back sometimes, only to then reveal some new moment like the fighting pit. Apparently Ashley also has a knife collection, and uses that metal side of herself when she wants to let that new side of Yasha show.

Cosplay of the Week: Crystal Armstead (@riyuski on twitter) in a Reani cosplay. Beautiful!

How does Liam feel about the return to Rexxentrum? Very, very complicated. Caleb loves magic and lights up when he sees it, which is wrapped in the Soltryce Academy; he brought folks to the dance hall for the same reason, which was wanting the M9 to see the things that he loved about the city.

Yasha felt the same way about visiting the Chantry of the Dawn. It was a memory of a very traumatic moment (almost killing Beau), but given everything that’s happened between then and now it was cathartic to see again. There’s been a lot of healing in the past few weeks. It also felt like a physical representation of Yasha’s growth, the last time she was controlled against her will like that (or at least, until she was mind-controlled by Vokodo. Ashley sighs, aggrieved.)

Brian: “The tower really feels like a love letter from Caleb to his friends.” Liam: “It is, and a love letter from Liam to his friends.” When he looked at Caleb’s spell list, he remembered how amazing the mansion was in Campaign One and how many role-playing moments it led to and knew he wanted to incorporate it. However, he knew it could never be the same as Scanlan’s mansion because Caleb doesn’t have the same improvisational genius as Scanlan does. Liam has been “tinkering with this machine” for over a year, waiting for the moment to reveal it. He loves that he got a chance to see Jester’s room in time to have her tower room reflect reality. He’d discussed the tower extensively with Dani & Matt. Brian: “Hey! What am I, chopped--what’s the saying?” Ashley: “Chopped cabbage?”

Ashley marvels at the design of the dome. Liam talks about how Caleb knowing Caleb has been abused has been slowly getting better, but he also loves now being able to juxtapose that healing with his innate love of magic and how beautiful he finds it, how he loves to use magic as his artistry. The Soltryce Academy wasn’t “Welcome to DEATH SCHOOL,” it was the Sorbonne. It was amazing, everything he wanted. It was only one bad apple within that recruited him and turned it all bad.

Liam also points out how much it means in real life to be able to express his love and care for his friends in person too.

Ashley talks about how much she loves Yasha’s armor in a meta sense because it’s so cool and useful, and great for her armor class, but struggles with what it represents in game. She might not be able to let it go due to its sheer utility, and she may have to find an in-game reason to justify keeping it.

Ashley segues a moment into talking about her velvet top which apparently has a matching velvet scrunchie. She’s asked to demonstrate the scrunchie and ties her hair up in a way that I have never in my life seen someone do with a scrunchie before, and my hair’s been waist-length most of my life. I watch it again in slow motion. How did she DO that??

Caleb’s been looking for the right time to tell Jester about his past for a long time. She’s a good person and makes him feel like he might be capable of becoming a good person at the end, because that’s how she saw him. Liam knew from Laura that Jester wouldn’t condemn him, but Caleb put it off as long as possible. He also wanted to take the time to make sure Caduceus & Yasha knew the whole story too before they went to dinner with Trent.

Liam was also relieved to get it out, because he could never remember who knew and who didn’t, and now he doesn’t have to track it anymore. “Now we can move forward. Now we can heal wounds, maybe.”

Ashley feels Cad picks up a lot, more than most people realize. Yasha was really affected by Cad’s line: “Patience can be good, but it can lead to apathy.” She really feels it opened her eyes, and she appreciated the simplicity of him pointing out her hair’s growing back white again. Having a friend notice “hey, you’re changing for the better” really means a lot. She’s interested in seeing how this means things might change with Beau.

Dani points out that it also reinforced for Yasha that she can want things too--she can be patient and just continue to be with the group, as she’s wanted, but it’s okay to want more than that too. Ashley remembers Veth asking her what her purpose is. There’s a part of her that knows Yasha is still figuring that out, and she’s interested to see how Yasha will continue to change. She’s always spent her life serving somebody--the Sky Spear, Obann--and then even after she joined the M9, it was very centered on “what do you need, what does the group need, how can I help with our next job?” She’s going to have to take some time to figure out what she wants.

Fanart of the Week! Lovely Yasha & Beau flight art by @JMNP7888. The wings look amazing!

Brian: “One of the things we want to talk to you about, Liam, is about the Vokodo fight and the FUCKING disintegrate spell.”

Liam: “That was one of the most insane 60-90 seconds of gameplay that ever existed for the table, and definitely for me, in the entire history of the show. A lot of people think I just went, oh man, just bet it all on black. But what if I told you that...I Larkin’d the first 20 seconds of that fight and then at a quarter to midnight, I forgot that the reflection was a thing? I just forgot it was a thing! I spent that whole battle thinking I’m just here to banish things. I might buff my friends a little bit, maybe I’ll counterspell, but I’m just here to banish. And it didn’t work and it didn’t work and then it did! Finally it did and Jester made it work and then he was GONE. And then everyone got greedy and it was done but we brought him BACK. And it was a quarter to midnight and I’m not an animatronic D&D lesson machine, I’m just a guy playing D&D at 11:45 at night, and he came back and everyone started Goodfellas circling him and kicking him, and Beau & Yasha are gonna kill him, and then it’s my turn? Disintegrate! And then the room was quiet, and then time passed, and Matt asked, you really cast Disintegrate? And I said yes, of course, and Matt started rolling dice, and in the back of my head I started wondering why he asked if I was rolling Disintegrate. Oh no. In the back of my brain, I was like, well, just tell him that’s not what you did. Tell him you didn’t remember the reflection thing. But he’s already rolling dice! You can’t take it back now. Hold on a second. I’m going to take you on the journey I went through. I was thinking: you have a spell save of 17. This thing wasn’t that fast. +1, +2, maybe? Anything under 14 is okay. That’s 70%. 70%. That’s okay, right? And still no one said anything to tip me off that I was in ELDRITCH MADNESS at that point, no one said anything about the reflection! And then I realize it can reflect back on us, and I realize this is...disintegrate. And then I started becoming morbidly, macabre-ly fascinated at the puppet dance of death I had created. Well, this is a mess. I have made a mess. Let’s just sit in it. And somehow, nonsensically, spectacularly, it worked out in my favor. I went home that night and I got in bed next to my wife, who was fast asleep, and I stared at the ceiling going, dude. Duuuuuuuude. Duuuuuuuuuude.”

He apparently also told his therapist about this and how terrible it was and how close he “danced myself to the precipice like a crazy person!” Marisha (as told by Liam): “Epic roll, though.”

Matt told Liam that night that if it had been reflected, it would have gone back on him. “If a player throws an M80 in the middle of a room, it would reflect on that player who threw it.”

Ashley talks about how interesting that Yasha is not performative, and yet has been doing these public performances with the harp. It’s a great experiment for Ashley--Yasha doesn’t like the attention, but feels like she is making something beautiful for the world.” She’s trying to change something about how she views herself & her place in the world. She was raised to be a weapon for the Sky Spear, but she’s also extremely gentle and loves flowers & beautiful music, and the further away she’s gotten from the tribe, she’s falling in love with gentle, beautiful things.

Liam also points out it easy (real, but simplistic) to make an entire character centered around a single personality trait: “I’m angry all the time. I’m sad all the time.” He thinks it’s more realistic to see nuance in personality.

Liam can see some paths for Caleb to find peace & do good. He doesn’t know if Caleb is conscious of those. He thinks it’s a huge step forward to admit he was molded in this direction at all and that it wasn’t all his choice, but doesn’t know if this is the same possibility as redemption.

He also mentions Essek in this answer: there was/is attraction there, both intellectual and physical--the forehead kiss was a big marker of that--and he’s interested in seeing where that goes because he’s invested in Essek’s redemption arc on its own, but Essek is not as high on the list as other things Caleb/the M9 need to work on. He loved the “high spy times” of the Essek arc and the tangled-up-ness of feelings getting involved at the same time as intense commitment to duty.

Liam always felt Matt would bring Molly back in some aspect, even though Caleb always demurred because he doesn’t believe in fate. Dani and Brian agree that this is the start of a new act.

Ashley cried at the Vilya reunion. She thought that was an incredible moment and was so glad to see Keyleth. Liam: “Keyleth as part of our story is everything to me. That story is really important to me, so getting just a glimpse of her again was so important to me.” They could all see how that affected Marisha & how special it was to her. Liam: “It was such a great note in her song or color in her painting. She achieved magnificent things and was powerful and great, but had a very heartbreaking and sad ending, so to have this sliver of joy go back in is so complex and beautiful and masterfully done.”

Aaaaaaand that’s all for tonight! Remember, no Critical Role this week. Talks will be back in two weeks. As always, don’t forget to love each other. <3

#talks machina #critical role #talks machina spoilers #critical role spoilers #long post #long post for ts

764 notes · View notes

dhwty-writes · 3 years

Text

On the Benefits of Trancing

This is a bit late, but was in fact written for Day 2 of sgtober, Can't Sleep. It's very fluffy, have fun reading!

Summary: There are several reasons why Essek prefers trancing over sleeping. Firstly, as difficult as it may be to leave yourself vulnerable for eight hours at a time, he finds it even more challenging to imagine his friends defenceless. Secondly, sleep, inevitably, will give birth to dreams. And no matter if they are foul or fair, they torture him all the same. And lastly, well—.Essek reminisces about the strange habit of sleeping and his even stranger habit of sharing his bed with Caleb whenever he can't sleep.

Warnings: None, as far as I’m aware

Read on AO3

Sleep is a curious thing, Essek muses, that he doesn't understand and hasn't particularly cared for up until this point. It is a childish thing, and wild and vulnerable and oh-so terribly time consuming. Truth be told, for most of his life he has pitied the other races who are forced to bow to the whims of nature in that way.

Like so many things, that changed when he met the Mighty Nein. Well, not when he met them necessarily—back then he may or may not have been quietly plotting their demise for returning his carefully stolen beacons—but certainly when he started travelling with them.

As many aspects of elven cultures are, trancing is a solitary activity, a silent contemplation of one's most private thoughts to better cope with them. Shock and surprise don't even begin to cover his feelings when Caleb first cast his dome and Essek found out that sleeping, as many things for the Mighty Nein, is a rather communal event.

He had eight whole hours to come to terms with those implications—did they not realise what it meant, the trust one had to place in another to sleep in front of them? Did they not care? Or did they, by some miracle, in fact trust him that much?

When he came out of his trance the next morning, he realised some of the members of the Nein had moved during the night, curling closer to and around each other. Cuddling, they called it, and Essek's pity melted away, turning into something more bitter, more poisonous. Envy.

There is something about sitting upright, floating a few inches off the ground while surrounded by people holding each other that can make you feel so incredibly lonely, and that has to say something. Nearly a century of solitude spent between too-large, too-empty towers, too-secretive and too-pious schools, and a too-scheming and too-paranoid court have never left him feeling as isolated and bereft as that morning with the Nein did.

Of course, back then he didn't have the words to describe the feelings swirling in his chest. Nor did he have the words to ask for them to include him in their affections, lest he be presumptuous. That, to quote Caleb Widogast, takes time. Surprisingly little of it, if he is perfectly honest.

A few months down the line, he stopped floating while trancing and when he resurfaced the next morning, he found himself leaning against Fjord, who had taken the last watch. When he jerked away in embarrassment, Fjord blinked awake, too, a disgruntled look on his face, growling that he should stop moving around so much.

Despite his shame, Essek complied and held completely still until the rest of the Nein woke up. After that, he began to dabble into the casual intimacy his friends share. He even tried to sleep, occasionally.

In the beginning, he felt very self-conscious about it. He would wake up with messy hair, or drool on his pillow, or, worst of all, tucked close to Caleb. Another effect of the Mighty Nein, though, is that they very quickly rid you of your sense of shame. So, he no longer cares if he looks a mess, if his clothes are rumpled, or if he's getting spit on Veth's backpack. Just the last thing he can't help but feel embarrassed about.

There are several reasons why he still prefers trancing, though. Firstly, as difficult as it may be to leave yourself vulnerable for eight hours at a time, he finds it even more challenging to imagine his friends defenceless. He much prefers being able to watch over them for at least half of that time.

Secondly, sleep, inevitably, will give birth to dreams. And if sleep is childish, wild, and vulnerable, dreams are tenfold so. He often contemplates his crimes during his trances, as well as the discarded timelines, the lost possibilities that could have led to even more death, destruction, and despair. He frequently considers members of the Assembly lording their victory over him, disposing of him, torturing his friends. However, in his trance, he can choose to abandon these timelines. Dreams offer no such luxury. Once in their cruel grasp, you have no choice but to see them through.

Nightmares are one thing, but dreams are another. Even the pleasant ones often come unbidden, worming themselves through his subconscious to pluck out— What exactly Essek should call them, he isn't sure. He wouldn't dare name them wishes or hopes, for that would imply a certain level of possibility for them to come true. These visions are desires, more like, though that term implies a certain passion that does not fit the circumstance.

These unsought fantasies often include the Mighty Nein, years or decades from now. How they would still seek him out, include him in their midst. He dreams of feasts and festivals, of hugs and humour, of truthfulness and trust. And then there are other, even more forbidden dreams featuring him and Caleb. He dreams of soft kisses and gentle caresses, lazy nights spent in the tower reading books, of research and adventures and normalcy, of waking up as close to each other every day as they do from time to time on accident. He would love his future to look like this, but he knows there is a very little chance for that.

So, no matter if the dreams are foul or fair, they torture him all the same.

And lastly, well—

There is a knock on his door and Essek's heart lurches. "Come in," he calls as calmly as he can manage, forcing himself to slowly close the book he hasn't been reading instead of slamming it shut and scrambling to his feet.

The door opens silently, as all doors within the tower do, and Caleb slips inside. He's wearing simple sleeping clothes and Essek silently curses himself for already closing the book, so he can't even pretend to read that instead. "I, ah— I'm sorry for intruding... again," Caleb says, self-consciously tugging at his sleeves. "I hope I didn't wake you?"

"Not at all," he answers, barely keeping himself from saying: 'I was waiting up.' Instead, he opts for: "I was still reading."

"Anything interesting?"

"Are you trying to tell me that you have stored uninteresting books in your mind, Caleb Widogast?"

"Plenty," he deadpans and Essek chuckles.

"It's called The Creation of Silver." He turns the plain cover over to Caleb, to jog his memory. Based on what he could gather by skimming the first pages, it promises to be a rather run of the mill romance novel following the story of a Dwendalian noble trying to escape their arranged marriage. "So far, I find it quite entertaining."

"Ah, yes." Caleb quickly glances away, a faint blush colouring his cheeks. "Have you reached the part where Stefan leaves for the city yet?"

"I have not."

"Then I will not spoil you." Another tug on his sleeve. "The plot really picks up at that point."

Essek tilts his head to the side, studying Caleb. According to the clock in his room, it is past midnight, which is quite late for the human to still be awake. Yet, he is just hovering in his doorway, caught between stepping inside and leaving again. "I presume you did not come here to discuss my evening reading matter."

"Ah..." He tugs at his sleeves again. "No, I did not." As always, Caleb is as incapable of voicing his needs as Essek is.

Thankfully, Essek is not nearly as apprehensive when it comes to his friends' well-being as he is when his own is concerned. "Should you have trouble sleeping, you know you are more than welcome to stay. Seeing as we are to make progress tomorrow, I am very invested in you having a restful night."

Not being able to sleep is another thing about that practice that Essek cannot understand. Trancing is a matter of will, discipline, and tranquillity and he's always assumed sleep to be the same. He supposes it is, to some degree.

But travelling with the Mighty Nein, and Caleb specifically, has taught him that you cannot force sleep. There are circumstances under which they will toss and turn for hours, unable to find rest. Not even Beau's meditation, which he considered relatively close to his trance, seemed capable to calm a disturbed mind enough for sleep.

He has, however, also discovered that for certain members of the Mighty Nein, certain methods will accomplish the necessary peace of mind. Caduceus' tea appears to be able to work miracles, time and time again. Beauregard likes to tire herself out by running drills, while Jester usually draws in her sketchbook. Yasha tends to make flower crowns or, lacking flowers, braid other people's hair. Essek has been subjected to that numerous times so far and despite his aversion to Dynasty braids, he doesn't hate it. Fjord usually ties sailor's knots, and Veth sorts through her various collections.

Caleb, though? Caleb, for some reason, only needs another person to fall asleep next to. And for some reason, despite the numerous options he has, he chooses Essek more often than not. Not that he's complaining, of course. In fact, he may enjoy it a little too much.

Caleb laughs quietly as he often does at their antics. They have long since learned the rules to this strange game they are playing. "Well, if you put it like this..." he says as he rids himself of his slippers—Hausschuhe, he has explained to Essek, a very important part of Zemnian culture—and puts them next to Essek's. "I would hate to disappoint you, Herr Thelyss."

'You couldn't,' he thinks as he pulls back the covers. Instead, he says: "Indeed." As always, he freezes in place when Caleb joins him on the bed, scooting closer until they are nearly touching. Being this close to each other is not getting any less mortifying, no matter how long it has been since Caleb first came knocking on his door.

He still remembers that night in vivid detail. As so often, Essek has been reading and just got up to get a cup of tea. When he stepped out of his rooms, he nearly collided with a wizard who had convinced himself that his suffering wasn’t important enough to trouble him with. “Do you want to come in?” he said to his own surprise. To his even bigger surprise, Caleb accepted.

They sat on Essek’s couch and talked about everything and nothing at once. Hours later, with his throat gone dry, Essek asked: “Shouldn’t you be asleep by now?” The moments the words left his mouth he knew he’d said something wrong.

Caleb shot to his feet as if burned and Essek followed suit. “I am so sorry, friend. I will not continue to disturb you any—”

“Where are you going?” he interrupted him, perhaps a little irritated. “Give me some credit, Caleb Widogast; I am capable of far subtler ways to rid myself of an unwelcome visitor. Which you are not.”

He laughed self-consciously and said: “Regardless, I should go and rest. Schlaf gut, Herr Thelyss.”

“You could stay,” he blurted out before he could stop himself. “I mean—I noticed your sleep to be more restful when you are around others. I am aware that I am not your first choice, but since the others are not here—You’re welcome to stay, if it at all helps.”

Caleb hesitated. “Are you sure?”

“Certainly.”

“In Ordnung,” he answered finally. Essek is still glad he had thought to float for that conversation. That way, at least, his knees didn’t give out.

A short discussion about who should take the bed followed before they stubbornly agreed to share it. Essek came to regret that immediately after when he was confronted with the practical implications of ‘sharing a bed’.

“Make yourself at home,” he said. Caleb took some time to rearrange the pillows and blankets—just like he does now—while Essek hovered nearby. Literally.

It took several reminders from Caleb for Essek to not instinctively recast his floating cantrip, but eventually they managed to lie down next to each other with a minimal amount of awkwardness. They have moved past that initial apprehensiveness by now, Essek thinks while he pretends to read. Shortly after, Caleb flops down, close enough that Essek can feel his breath ghosting over his cheeks.

“Good night, Caleb Widogast,” Essek says, stubbornly staring at the pages and nowhere else. "Do you want me to dim the lights?" He doesn't need them anyways; he just likes to appreciate the room Caleb made for him in all of its colours.

"No, I think I would like to read a bit. I am quite fond of that book."

"You are?" Essek looks down to him in surprise. ‘If Caleb tilts his head,’ the thought hits him, ‘he could rest it on my shoulder.’ He just thought it to be one of the countless books Caleb has read in his life, nothing special. "Why?"

He blushes again. "Ah— I think you'll see. The title is more literal than one would assume."

He considers the book once more, trying to discern what Caleb means with his words. ‘Luxon help me,’ he sends a silent prayer. It wouldn’t be the first time for him to pick up a romance novel that turns out to be quite a bit more explicit than anticipated. To think that such a mistake may have happened to him with Caleb so close—He thinks he might just combust from embarrassment.

"Do you mind flipping the page?" Caleb asks with a yawn, startling Essek out of his thoughts.

"Oh, of course," he says belatedly and turns the page. He hasn't read the last one yet, but nor has he read the one before, so it hardly matters. The novel has a rather shallow plot, so he has no trouble picking it up three pages later, and he's done so by design.

“Thank you.” He yawns again, louder this time and burrows down further into his pillows. “Gute Nacht, mein Schatz,” he mumbles and freezes as if he only now realises what he said. He seems to wait for an answer, but when Essek fails to provide a wrong one, he just smiles up at him and says: “Schlaf wohl und g’sund, bis morgen früh’s Kaffeele kommt.”

“I don’t understand you,” Essek tells him just as quietly, “but you can translate tomorrow.” After a moment of hesitation, he adds in Undercommon: “Sweet dreams, my dear. I’ll be here when you wake up.” He quickly glances back at his book before he can do anything stupid. Such as regret his words. Or kiss him goodnight.

Still, with Caleb reading along he does his best to at least somewhat read the novel. It’s a very flowery language, occasionally dropping Zemnian words Essek doesn’t know. Judging by Caleb’s grumbling at least some of them appear to be wrong. The protagonist, Stefan, seems like quite the bore. He does have a strong motivation, he supposes, to escape from the dreary life that awaits him in his arranged marriage. Besides that, and his general cold-hearted demeanour, he can’t discern any defining characteristics.

He finally reaches the part Caleb asked him about—Stefan leaving for the big city—when another character is introduced, presumably his love interest. He appears to be about as compelling as the protagonist, until— Essek snorts quietly. “Caleb Widogast,” he chides softly, “is this a love story about wizards?”

At first, he doesn’t answer and Essek briefly considers the option of Caleb wilfully ignoring him. Then, there’s a barely audible snore. When he glances down in surprise, the human is leaning against his shoulder, soundly asleep. He noisily chews on a strand of his hair, a bit of drool dripping onto Essek’s shoulder.

For a moment he can’t help but stare, a dopey smile on his face. He quickly arrives at the conclusion that something as disgusting as that has absolutely no business being as endearing as it is. But for some reason he doesn’t mind at all.

Moving carefully and slowly, in order not to disturb Caleb’s sleep, he puts down The Creation of Silver. It is getting rather late and he probably should begin his trance, if he wants to wake before Caleb's inevitable departure.

He leans back, wiggling a bit to find a comfortable position. He thinks he's doing a good job of not rousing Caleb until the human grunts quietly. Essek freezes, fearing he may have woken him, but instead of opening his eyes, Caleb just shifts closer to him, throwing an arm and a leg across his lap to hold him tight.

Essek looks down at his... friend with a fond expression. After a moment of consideration, he reaches down to brush the strand of hair behind his ear.

Sometimes, he feels like he can barely contain all the love he feels for this man within himself. One day, perhaps, he might even find the courage to tell him so.

Zemnian Translations:

Hausschuhe - slippers. In fact a Very Important German thing. Can't wear your normal shoes indoors, so you need special house shoes. Schlaf gut, Herr Thelyss. - Sleep well, Mister Thelyss. Gute Nacht, mein Schatz. - Good night, my darling. (lit. treasure) Schlaf wohl und g'sund, bis morgen früh's Kaffeele kommt. - Sleep well and sound until tomorrow morning the little coffee arrives. (My Caleb is Suebian now and I don't take criticism. I was writing this when I suddenly remembered this sentence my parents used to say to me and I thought if my sleep deprived brain remembers things like that, it would only be appropriate if Caleb's did too.)

#critical role #critical role fanfiction #shadowgast #essek thelyss #caleb widogast #the mighty nein #my writing #sgtober2021

46 notes · View notes

violet-t-9 · 3 years

Text

Decision-making in critical role

My general thought on every cast decision made in critical role game play is that I enjoy all of them - because all the choices are made in the moment under different circumstances, and they all make sense in said circumstances.

Are they always the best decisions objectively? No. Are they all exciting and understandable? Yes. It’s always easy to look back in retrospect to see how they could have done better, but nobody could have known how it would turn out, nobody knows how it will affect the future either.

Fjord’s decision to tell the rangers to engage and potentially send them to their deaths? Totally fine with me. Maybe he should have asked about where the TT/rangers were and regretted the decision right after, but maybe he was in the moment consumed with worry for his party members who couldn’t get a long rest and carrying the weight of acting and being seen as a team leader, facing potentially the end of the world. Also, Dagen may be completely fine. Even if he wasn’t, we will just receive even more great role play, characterization and development from Fjord which I’m always here for. That decision had a chance of giving them a long rest, even if it didn’t happen. That decision could have made the TT more careless, more confident, and more out of spell slots when they walked into M9′s traps.

Caleb’s decision to kill guards in the Sanatorium with gravity sinkhole? Totally fine with me. Maybe they could have gone a peaceful route (that could potentially go south and get all of them killed too, by the way), but maybe he, not in his most calm and collected mindset, just wanted to kill the enemies as effectively as possible with a spell that deals a lot of damage and get out fast with the best weapon in his arsenal that isn’t fire-related because he was trying to protect his found family without becoming incapacitated himself. It also led to the very intense confrontation and some wonderful role play moments, which I am always here for. Also, the amulets have already been very useful so far and may turn out even more crucial for the future combat (protection against scrying is such a useful thing in general) and be completely worth the trouble.

Jester and Veth’s decision to chat loudly when they were supposed to be stealthy in their exploration of a fire plane potentially full of enemies as their family members waited inside? Totally fine with me. Maybe they should have been more careful, but maybe they had a rough, rough day and everything seemed hopeless so they were trying their best to look at the future with some hope and optimism. Sure they should have waited and it wasn’t the best decision but it made sense character-wise in the moment when they really needed a moment of levity. They couldn’t have predicted the consequences that followed, which also brought such emotional role plan and high stake into the episode which I’m always here for.

Yasha’s decision to pull out a magical robe and collapse a tower? Beau’s decision to pull out a chained book and lead to a golem chasing her? Totally fine with me. Maybe they should have just left it alone, but maybe the robe or the book could have turned out useful and a clue about Aeorian history and culture and they were just too curious to leave it alone. Could it have turned out badly and buried both Yasha and Veth under the rubbles? Could it have turned out horrible so that team HFB could not get back in time or need rescuing? Yes, but they made the decisions to push the red buttons and brought us fun scenes and combat to watch, as well as excitement and an adrenaline rush, which I’m always here for.

All in all, Dungeons and Dragons is a game where you make decisions in the moment - that’s the whole point. Not all of the decisions will be well thought-out, some will turn out horribly, some will turn out okay, some will have serous consequences down the road (good and bad) - that’s the whole point! It all depends on the dice, the dungeon master’s set up, and the circumstances.

Rather than complaining that the decisions are “out of character” and criticizing the cast for every decision that you deem “unreasonable” immediately or in retrospective, why not just try to understand why they, and their characters, would make that decision in that moment? Why not think about how the circumstances - in real life and in game - could influence such decisions? I for one enjoy both the positive or negative outcomes such decisions bring. This is why D&D is exciting for me, after all.

#critical role #cr spoilers #the mighty nein #cr discourse

51 notes · View notes

omniscientwreck · 3 years

Text

Like Waves Upon An Open Shore

Pieces of this conversation came to me late last night and I couldn't write anything else until I got this out of my system. This is one in a series of pseudo-character study/ missed conversation fics I have on AO3. There's no lifespan angst here, it's more of a meditation on power and potential.

The first to approach him was Caduceus. After they’d imprisoned Ikithon they combined efforts to build back his home. It turns out that this is something Essek’s particular arcane flare is appropriate for. He is learning to accept that his power has limits and that it likely always will. He’s never had to worry about this before, even knowing that one day he will be among the dirt and there he will stay. He’s never had to consider that the flow of time and how it feeds and consumes life is something one might need to control. When it had hit him, when they’d needed the improbable and he could not deliver, he had cried for this man he’d never known save for fond rememberings told by happy words and sad eyes.

He had come to help them and when they needed him most he couldn’t even fail because he never could have started.

However, fixing a roof is practical. Spreading density until large loads of materials are manageable to carry, freezing objects in place as they’re affixed by regular means. He can be useful here and he is. In the first two days he uses all of his strength helping and at the end of the day he’s exhausted. But Caduceus also needed help with the garden. Yasha had shown him some basics and every night he worked with his hands, for the first time of his life bringing new beauty to a scarred earth.

The first night is quiet and he is alone with his thoughts. The eyes are gone and he can properly think again. The new one, Kingsley, sleeps outside but he’s been through a lot and it’s difficult for Essek to look at him knowing he did nothing. It’s difficult to look at Caleb. To look at any of them for the first day.

But he does. He is trying to learn humility, to learn that whatever ugly thing rises in him (guilt for things he can no longer change and selfishly wouldn’t, longing for someone he has no right to feel close to, regret at working with those who had hurt him so badly, sick satisfaction at seeing him stripped of power, the desire to end him then and there) is not always the most important thing. He works alongside the Nein still. He laughs when Jester jokes, he levitates Luc to catch the child’s attention when he’s being particularly mischievous, he attempts another joke which a few of them catch this time. He is there for them now, an imitation of the way they’ve been there for each other.

He digs into the earth in the cool breeze of dusk, removing his gloves now that the sun is fading on his second night there. He’s elected to tend to the graves of an elven family, many of whom have the last name Akhilvarr. He recognizes the surprisingly light footfalls of the firbolg approaching him as he gently holds two flowers, deciding.

“You’re up late.”

He places the plants down softly in front of the hole he’s dug out, brushing dirt from his bare hands, learning to relish the coating of grime, the feeling of having an impact on the world around you. “I don’t really sleep as much as the rest of you.” He hesitates and from the way Caduceus’ eyes bore through him he knows the statement has a second half, “And I feel like I need to be out here.”

He nods and sits, levelling eyes with Essek who’s still on his knees, facing the graves. “How are you feeling?”

The question is so simple but Essek cannot find an answer that is satisfactory, no words he’s ever known can accurately sum the corners of his heart. “It does not matter right now how I feel. Your home was nearly destroyed, you brought someone back from the dead. I dare not burden you with my own troubles.”

“Essek if I may,” he’s learned by now that Caduceus means this to be a precursor to a deep insight and though he is raw he allows him to continue, “there is a difference in being selfless and being harmful. Now I won’t force anything, only you can know if you’re ready to talk, but I never ask a question I don’t want an answer to.”

“I just-” he can feal traitorous heat as tears threaten to spill over his eyelashes and realizes he can’t wipe them away without streaking his face with mud. “All my life I have trained to be powerful. I have learned to manipulate the equations and theory that make up the way we experience the world. I can manipulate the lenses through which we understand the things around us. I have been touted as a prodigy and I couldn’t do anything to affect fate when it mattered to you all most. I am so thankful that you were there, that you and your god were able to fix a great injustice, but this is the last piece of my world shattering. I thought I could protect you all, to be useful in any circumstance and I was wrong.”

He stares into the two flowers and the purple one to the left blows in the wind, while the yellow remains still. He goes to tuck the purple bloom into the dirt and gently packs earth in around it, protecting roots and brushing dirt off leaves. Caduceus allows him to do this and by the time he looks back up at him, there’s a gentles smile at rest on his face. He knows Essek has more to say and he gestures for him to continue as Essek considers which flowers would most like to celebrate the Akhilvarr family.

“It’s funny, almost. I have heard much about the wonders of gardening and never believed a word. But here I am, dirt under my nails, digging in the earth, repairing damage for once in my sorry life, trying to leave somewhere better than I found it.” he finds a red flower with ruffled petals and a taller white flower who’s stem splits off into several tiny flowers, clustered into one sphere, they seem impatient.

“The gardens at my tower were never tended by myself, I had someone else to do that. They were arranged perfectly, planted with aesthetic and design in mind and little else. Looking idly at the beauty of nature is one thing, but this place-” He looks around, mosses give off a light glow as the sun has now disappeared. Slowly but surely fireflies blink to light up the air around them, dancing from leaf to petal. “I keep having the impulse to decide based on aesthetic. It’s difficult to ignore but-”

Caduceus fills in where he has no words, “That’s not your world anymore. I regret to inform you that as soon as we crossed your path your days of neat little boxes and even rows gained an expiry date. The world is so much wider than the machinations of people, we can never predict what is outside of our purview and when we take a step back, relinquish that control, often something more beautiful will spring up. I have tended this garden for many years, longer than the memory of many and I could never have dreamed up the beauty that lives here now. It gets more and more beautiful as each year grows on because the chaos is nurtured and you are learning that.” Caduceus grabs the trowel and begins digging his own hole, “You have come so far Essek and I do not know whether I have the right to feel this way, but I am immensely proud of you. I’m proud for who you are now, and who you are about to become.”

Essek laughs and it sounds like broken glass, “Proud is a funny word to use for someone who has done as much wrong as I.”

“Each decision we make is a point in a network of thousands of other decisions we make connected to webs of the decisions of everyone who has ever had a hand in our lives. If you and everyone around you acts in fear your decisions will be rooted there. Those are the times where we are most lost and I think you are beginning to realize that.”

Every bad decision flows through Essek’s consciousness and he lets them drift by, hands trembling, and the red flower with the beautiful frills slips from his grasp and falls into place in the hole beside the deep purple of the last planted bloom. It’s fate.

“So each bad decision you’ve made has crashed in on the wave of every other bad decision you’ve made, and every bad decision anyone has ever made about you. Now, every beautiful thing you do, every good decision you make will be carried forward by every good decision you’ve made before. It’s a web, it’s a network where everything is connected and you have as much agency now as you did then, every good decision counts towards every good decision you will make in the future and I know there will be many.”

Tears stream freely down his face now and he doesn’t care about the dirt as he wipes them away. “That is-”

“I believe-”

Again, the silver tongued shadowhand has no words, “Thank you Mr. Clay. I think that is more kindness than I know how to give myself. It is difficult to process and accept but I will try my best.”

Caduceus’ hand wanders through the bag of flowers, not even looking as he picks one, a massive flower, bright white and nearly glowing in the moonlight. He sighs contentedly and plants the flower. They work together in companionable silence and Essek relishes the sound of his companion’s breath, the feeling of dirt sticking under his nails, the gentle breeze that blows through fireflies and looking through them up to the stars, once again teeming with the promise of possibility, change, growth.

AO3 Link Here

#critical role #ficlet #caduceus clay #essek thelyss #character study #no lifespan angst #just some light emotional hurt/comfort #critfic #my writing #wreckwrites

30 notes · View notes