#erin’s reading log

[majesticlymortal]

Erin’s Reading Log

Top 21 of 105 Books Read in 2022

*some books listed contain explicit depictions of sex and/or violence, etc. Please check content warnings before reading. Especially for The Monster of Elendhaven and Captive Prince

**The Amaranth Enchantment, Coraline, Dial a Ghost, and Journey to the River Sea were all rereads

#reading log #reading 2022 #book recommendations #erin’s reading log #erin’s thoughts #the montague twins #squad #fly by night #the daughters of ys #heartstopper #the amaranth enchantment #coraline #kiki's delivery service #dial a ghost #the secret of nightingale wood #the ghost of gosswater #journey to the river sea #the queer principles of kit webb #the gentle art of fortune hunting #a little light mischief #bringing down the duke #a lady’s guide to fortune hunting #the hating game #the monster of elendhaven #silver in the wood #captive prince

[the-busy-ghost]

Alright James VI was a smart kid but I'm just not convinced that, at three years old, he would have been thinking "Wow this composer has masterfully treated the two interweaving treble parts in this Psalm"

#reading log #Where's that cartoon about the two geologists assuming everybody knows about feldspars #Alternatively Derry Girls- Clare 'I was a SCHOLAR when I met you Erin!'; Erin- 'You were three!' #James VI #music history #Renaissance music #This is peak music scholar behaviour in my experience though #Book is 'Musick Fyne: Robert Carver and the Art of Music in Sixteenth Century Scotland' by the way #By D. James Ross #It's not bad just the author occasionally gets almost TOO enthusiastic- as above

[anbaricity]

The Night Circus, Erin Morgenstern

#the night circus #quotes #erin morgenstern #reading log

[chaifootsteps]

I really feel you & anon about KenDraws - when the first allegations about poor workplace treatment came out I thought maybe it was a case of poor management over malicious mismanagement; that a new indie studio had hired a lot of people out of college and not supported them properly or set unrealistic deadlines and failed to account for the fact that people have to work multiple jobs to support themselves (though the sharing of Erin's medical info always disgusted me and there's no way anyone can 'two sides' that imo) - i.e. it was stuff they could learn from and get better about, but for me KenDraws' account was the straw that broke the camel's back.

My jaw was on the floor learning KenDraws was the one who suggested Alastor stay at the hotel for his own entertainment, because that's part of the inciting incident and setup of the whole show. It's the kind of idea and dynamic that you'd expect the creator to come up with and come up with first, and be thought out as part of the story going forwards.

And to credit such an integral part of the show, plus several jokes, as 'additional writing'??? That is not additional writing, that is concept writing and script writing. It really made me mad to see how much of a struggle it was to get even that bare minimum of credit when Viv dropped so many ideas and lines that weren't her idea into the final pilot and covered it up with 'that was early draft stuff/we changed things around'. Reading the Discord logs it's blatantly not that, and if I can get ad hominem for a second there's a really maddening 'I'm too lazy and untalented to come up with this on my own, please help me' wheedling tone in Viv's messages to Ken - the whole 'I'm good at this and not that' thing especially. If you aren't good at it then either focus the pilot around your supposed strengths or credit your co-writers properly! Anyone whose had someone lazy or untalented sponge off them knows how uncomfortable and annoying it is to be stuck with someone like Viv as a boss. It feels like the main reason Brandon gets to be credited as a writer is because he's already a 'name' but anyone Viv considers beneath her it's free game to steal their ideas and fail to credit them when they provide her massive amounts of help because she knows her fandom will merrily throw them under the bus with a minimum amount of prompting from her, and sometimes none at all.

It's why I'm so glad to see Ashley and Michael thrive outside her shadow. I've seen mixed opinions on Faustisse and I'm not up to date with that, but I did see the screenshots about the issues she had getting paid and assuming that's Viv she's talking about, no one deserves to be exploited like that.

Viv mistreats the talent, they go elsewhere - and they don't stop being better than Viv at the thing she's failing so hard at rn. I'm so glad to see the rest of the indie animation scene supporting each other so much: I think this is the sense of community people wished for when Helluva started and why the biggest scandal to hit the fandom felt like it was when the pilot VAs got dropped so unceremoniously. It's just partly a community of people who got burned working for Viv who now have a perfect mental model of what they don't want in their working lives so they can make something better. I hope all the best for the people she's hurt & used

I don't have a think to add to this, Anon. This is absolutely beautiful and well said.

#Anonymous #vivziepop critical #hazbin hotel #actual blog post #kendraws

[galathynius]

2023 reading log

the uncensored picture of dorian gray by oscar wilde / jan. 2-9 / 4 stars

buzz saw: the improbable story of how the washington nationals won the world series by jesse dougherty / jan. 9-11 / 4.5 stars

proposal by meg cabot / jan. 17 / 3 stars

sidelined: sports, culture, and being a woman in america by julie dicaro / jan. 12-17 / 4 stars

remembrance by meg cabot / jan. 18-19 / 3 stars

how sweet it is by dylan newton / jan. 19-20 / 3 stars

daughters of sparta by claire heywood / jan. 21-22 / 3 stars

highly suspicious and unfairly cute by talia hibbert / jan. 22 / 4 stars

gentlemen prefer blondes: the diary of a professional lady by anita loos / jan. 23-26 / 3 stars

hell bent by leigh bardugo / jan. 26-31 / 4 stars

all about love: new visions by bell hooks / jan. 22-31 / 4 stars

daisy jones & the six by taylor jenkins reid / jan. 31-feb. 2 / 4 stars

everything i know about love: a memoir by dolly alderton / feb. 2-9 / 4 stars

emma by jane austen / feb. 11-19 / 4 stars

fake it till you bake it by jamie wesley / feb 19-23 / 3.5 stars

my dark vanessa by kate elizabeth russell / feb. 23-26 / 4 stars

throttled by lauren asher / feb. 26-28/ 2 stars

the locker room by meghan quinn / mar. 1-5 / 1 star

come as you are: the surprising new science that will transform your sex life by emily nagoski / feb. 17-mar. 5 / 4.5 stars

pucked by helena hunting / mar. 5-11 / 3 stars

legendborn by tracy deonn / mar 12-23 / 4.5 stars

unadulterated something by m.j. duncan / mar. 23-25 / 4 stars

the fifth season by n.k. jemisin / mar. 26-apr. 15 / 4 stars

how to fake it in hollywood by ava wilder / apr. 16-19 / 3.5 stars

sharp objects by gillian flynn / apr. 19-22 / 4 stars

the homewreckers by mary kay andrews / apr. 22-25 / 3.5 stars

the kiss curse by erin sterling / apr. 25-26 / 3.5 stars

the wedding crasher by mia sosa / apr. 26-27 / 3 stars

let’s get physical: how women discovered exercise and reshaped the world by danielle friedman / mar. 25-apr. 27 / 4 stars

mile high by liz tomforde / apr. 27-may 6 / 1.5 stars

happy place by emily henry / may 6-7 / 5 stars

carrie soto is back by taylor jenkins reid / may 7 / 4 stars

the spanish love deception by elena armas / may 8 / 2 stars

neon gods by katee robert / may 8-9 / 1 star

love in the time of serial killers by alicia thompson / may 9-11 / 4 stars

the bodyguard by katherine center / may 11 / 4 stars

the intimacy experiment by rosie danan / may 11-12 / 3 stars

upgrade by blake crouch / may 12-13 / 4 stars

by any other name by lauren kate / may 13 / 3 stars

the dead romantics by ashley poston / may 15-17 / 4 stars

the ballad of songbirds and snakes by suzanne collins / may 19-28 / 3.5 stars

so many ways to lose: the amazin’ true story of the new york mets—the best worst team in baseball by devin gordon / may 13-jun. 4 / 4 stars

iron widow by xiran jay zhao / jun. 5-7 / 3 stars

the grace year by kim liggett / jun. 7-8 / 4 stars

the last magician by lisa maxwell / jun. 9-11 / 4.5 stars

little fires everywhere by celeste ng / jun. 12-14 / 4 stars

not a happy family by shari lapena / jun. 14-17 / 2.5 stars

the familiars by stacey halls / jun. 17-21 / 3 stars

the girls i’ve been by tess sharpe / jun. 21-22 / 3.5 stars

once more with feeling by elissa sussman / jun. 23 / 3 stars

the cheat sheet by sarah adams / jun. 24-25 / 1 star

how to sell a haunted house by grady hendrix / jun. 26-29 / 3 stars

little thieves by margaret owen / jul. 1-3 / 4.5 stars

this is how you lose the time war by amal el-mohtar and max gladstone / jul. 3-6 / 3 stars

the very secret society of irregular witches by sangu mandanna / jul. 11-12 / 4 stars

the lies of locke lamora by scott lynch / jul. 13-27 / 4.5 stars

seven days in june by tia williams / jul. 28-30 / 4 stars

bloodmarked by tracy deonn / jul. 31-aug. 2 / 4 stars

something wilder by christina lauren / aug. 3-4 / 3 stars

howl’s moving castle by diana wynne jones / aug. 4-5 / 4 stars

dark matter by blake crouch / aug. 12-13 / 3 stars

eat up! food, appetite, and eating what you want by ruby tandoh / jul. 30-aug. 14 / 4 stars

the silent companions by laura purcell / aug. 5-18 / 4 stars

mr. wrong number by lynn painter / aug. 19-20 / 2 stars

romantic comedy by curtis sittenfeld / aug. 20-21 / 4 stars

the last tale of the flower bride by roshani chokshi / aug. 21-23 / 4 stars

the hating game by sally thorne / aug. 23-25 / 2 stars

lessons in chemistry by bonnie garmus / aug. 25-26 / 2.5 stars

the godparent trap by rachel van dyken / aug. 27 / 2 stars

i’m glad my mom died by jennette mccurdy / aug. 27-29 / 4 stars

the atlas six by olivie blake / aug. 29-sep. 9 / 3 stars

wordslut: a feminist guide to taking back the english language by amanda montell / sep. 1-9 / 4 stars

practice makes perfect by sarah adams / sep. 10-11 / 3 stars

all systems red by martha wells / sep. 13-14 / 3 stars

do i know you? by emily wibberly and austin siegemund-broka / sep. 14-16 / 4 stars

same time next summer by annabel monaghan / sep. 17 / 3.5 stars

Ounder the influence by noelle crooks / sep. 18-22 / 4 stars

burn for me by ilona andrews / sep. 22-23 / 4 stars

the littlest library by poppy alexander / sep. 24 / 3 stars

the neighbor favor by kristina forest / sep. 25-27 / 3 stars

satisfaction guaranteed by karelia stetz-waters / sep. 28-oct. 5 / 3 stars

the ex talk by rachel lynn solomon / oct. 5-7 / 4 stars

change of plans by dylan newton / oct. 8-9 / 2 stars

coraline by neil gaiman / oct. 9 / 4 stars

you, again by kate goldbeck / oct. 9-11 / 3 stars

mrs. caliban by rachel ingalls / oct. 12 / 3 stars

summer sons by lee mandelo / oct. 12-19 / 4 stars

the death of jane lawrence by caitlin starling / oct. 19-24 / 3 stars

house of hollow by krystal sutherland / oct. 25-29 / 4 stars

white hot by ilona andrews / oct. 28-nov. 2 / 4.5 stars

twice shy by sarah hogle / nov. 4-5 / 3 stars

sexed up: how society sexualizes us, and how we can fight back by julia serano / nov. 2-10 / 4 stars

artificial condition by martha wells / nov. 11-14 / 4 stars

wildfire by ilona andrews / nov. 14-16 / 4.5 stars

between a fox and a hard place by mary frame / nov. 18 / 3 stars

revolting prostitutes: the fight for sex workers’ rights by molly smith and juno mac / nov. 18-20 / 4 stars

emily wilde’s encyclopaedia of faeries by heather fawcett / nov. 21-24 / 4.5 stars

love and other words by christina lauren / nov. 24-25 / 3 stars

the boyfriend candidate by ashley winstead / nov. 26 / 3.5 stars

the seven year slip by ashley poston / nov. 27-28 / 5 stars

how to fall out of love madly by jana casale / dec. 3-10 / 3 stars

ordinary monsters by j.m. miro / dec. 10-21 / 3 stars

rogue protocol by martha wells / dec. 22-23 / 4 stars

what you wish for by katherine center / dec. 25 / 3 stars

the blonde identity by ally carter / dec. 25-26 / 2.5 stars

just my type by falon ballard / dec. 26-31 / 2 stars

#belatedly jumping on this trend don’t mind me #trying to inject some life back into this blog #allison’s reading log

[cscclibrary]

[Image description: Horizontal rectangular graphic; the background is the Disability Pride flag, with adjoining red, yellow, white, aqua, and green stripes slanting together from the top left to bottom right corners on a dark gray background. White text in the center foreground says "Disability Pride: / Suggested Reading / Columbus State Library / library.cscc.edu."]

July is Disability Pride month, and that means it's time for a bigger, better, updated Disability Pride reading list!

A Disability History of the United States, by Kim E. Nielsen

Being Heumann: An Unrepentant Memoir of a Disability Rights Activist, by Judith Heumann

About Us: Essays from the Disability Series of the New York Times, Peter Catapano and Rosemarie Garland-Thomson, editors

Care Work: Dreaming Disability Justice, by Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarasinha

Demystifying Disability: What to Know, What to Say, and how to Be an Ally, by Emily Ladau

Disability as Diversity: Developing Cultural Competence, by Erin E. Andrews. Companion case study volume here.

Exile & Pride: Disability, Queerness, and Liberation, by Eli Clare

The Minority Body: A Theory of Disability, by Elizabeth Barnes

Nothing about Us without Us: Disability Oppression and Empowerment, by James I. Charlton

The Problem Body: Projecting Disability in Film, Sally Chivers and Nicole Markotić, editors

Routledge Handbook of Disability Studies, Nick Watson and Simo Vehmas, editors

My Wonderful Life as a Vegetable, Lars Feldballe producer/director

The Disability Rights Movement: From Charity to Confrontation, by Doris Zames Fleischer and Frieda Zames

Disability Experiences: Memoirs, Autobiographies, and Other Personal Narratives, G. Thomas Couser and Susannah B. Mintz, editors

The Routledge Handbook of Disability Activism, Maria Berghs, Tsitsi Chataika, Yahya El-Lahib and Andrew K. Dube, editors

Black Disability Politics, Sami Schalk

Year of the Tiger: An Activist's Life, by Alice Wong

Disability Visibility: First-Person Stories from the Twenty-First Century, Alice Wong, editor

From the Periphery: Real-Life Stories of Disability, by Pia Justesen

Young, Disabled and LGBT+: Voices, Identities and Intersections, Alex Toft and Anita Franklin, editors

Disability, Media, and Representations: Other Bodies, Jacob Johanssen and Diana Garrisi, editors

The Routledge Handbook of Disability Arts, Culture, and Media, Bree Hadley and Donna McDonald, editors

Occupying Disability: Critical Approaches to Community, Justice, and Decolonizing Disability, Pamela Block, Devva Kasnitz, Akemi Nishida, Nick Pollard, editors

Use our catalog to search for more titles on this topic!

Current Columbus State Students and employees can check out books using a photo ID. Ebooks and other electronic materials can be used both on and off campus; off-campus use requires logging in with your Columbus State username and password.

#disability pride month #virtual display #resource list #disability

[blackgirlhappyplanner]

My 2024 #PlannerStack includes:

MakseLife Goal Planner

Cocoa Daisy Disc Planner (use for Memory Keeping)

Wellness + Meal Planner

Success Journal (notebook catch all for goals and projects)

Erin Condren Clever Girl Finance Budget Planner

Notebook/Pink and Green (use for Creative Biz projects)

Erin Condren Reading and Book Log

Traveler's Notebooks (1. Cocoa Daisy Weekly, 2. Hobonichi Weekly, 3. Index Card Planner System)

#blackgirlhappyplanner #planning #planner #plannercommunity #memorykeeping #goalsetting #journaling #creative Business #Makselife #Travelers Notebooks #Cocoa Daisy

[strobarium]

erin's thoughts on "paper angel."

the first post on the strobarium! how nice. (SPOILERS AHEAD.)

(eyestraining colors ahoy, dereality-type stuff is mentioned)

youtube recommended me a video i really, really enjoy by this youtuber named Mara. it's well over an hour long and she talks a lot about her experiences with outsider art and mixed media, among other things. its worth a watch if you do like long-winded video essays about...STUFF. i guess

thats only partially relevant, though. i bring the video up because within it, she talks about the game in question today, briefly. the visuals struck a chord with me, and the seemingly abstract narrative being more or less promoted my way was very intriguing and had me interested in getting my hands on it.

you already picked up the title from the title of the post but i like using big font!

"Paper Angel," by Slitherbop.

(love that title screen, wow.)

Slitherbop, or, Slither, is a 25-year old surrealist illustrator based in Sasketchewan, Canada, from what his Neocities homepage states. he has an absolute ton of really colorful and trippy art spread out across several pages, but i feel the most of them you'd find on his tumblr page. i'd recommend looking into if you're...well i mean if you're even READING THIS you're prob into the same type shit i be on, yeah. lol. anyway,

Slither has OCs. (commonplace amongst contemporary illustrators online, if you've noticed) One of them, is the focus of the game i'm going to write a lot about.

Spinwhim! (they/them)

(god, look at them.)

taken from Slither's toyhou.se (toyhou.se is more or less an original character database tool that illustrators like to use, a lot, to log their OCs and stuff)

"Spinwhim is a powerful healer and grand storyteller. They’re very kind, outgoing, and wacky. They like to travel all around to help others. Their intense curiosity and passion makes them meddlesome. They can focus and see the world on a cellular level, which is utilized in healing and creating. Good :-)"

they, are more or less the focal point of the entire visual novel. it's a treat that they are, their design is great (much as it does change over the course of the game,) and i generally do like their demeanor and how they interact with me, the player.

speaking of the player, i don't really know who i play as! it's a blank-slate type deal. i speak very vaguely and generally i think im depicted as rather confused seeming/"out-of-it."

competent enough to prepare soup for an ill spinwhim though. OH right. plot stuff. i should get into that-

...well, actually the plot's not really super complex. you're there with spinwhim in this house within this elaborately colorful world and you're essentially nursing them back to health. its said in game you spend about a week with them.

...

i didn't even get to experience the whole week but i just. i have this incredible draw towards them.

it's not really a surprise to me that any motherly (well, or even fatherly) figure with this type of benevolent, reassuring and friendly aura just resonates with me: as i kind of allude to in the preface, i've had familial...struggles in the past and i more or less continue to, especially as it relates to how i feel about my biological parents. its complex and i don't think i could really get into it fully no matter the medium, idk.

spinwhim is just nice to experience speaking to me even if it is confined to the limitations of a RPG Maker VX Ace-created visual novel. (shoutout RPG Maker also, wow, interactive outsider art people love this program a lot i have learned LOL.) as i'm taking care of them, they note how good of a job i'm doing, and even how helpful i've been to the recovery process they're going through relating to the unknown illness they have. i'm even just complimented in general regarding my demeanor and whatnot... i really do wish they were someone i could come to for comfort like i do a fair amnt of my friends, or romantic partners. it would be nice.

what, really sealed the deal, was the twist.

after seemingly, fully recovering from their illness, they're up and at it and in a different fit than normal, to boot. they say they cleared a path to head into town (the whole duration of the game, some apparently severe snowy weather was hitting your gen. location) and that they're excited to go.

they ask me if i want to come with.

so, OF FUCKING COURSE i hit go with. lol

after expressing excitement that i actually did want to go with, they ask me to come closer.

they recount how horrible it was living the way they were, prior. that their head was "caving in" and that they were "boiling" and "lethargic." sounds pretty tough. but after that, they hit me with this revelation:

i was... CREATED???

(the actual verbiage and whatnot they use to talk about everything from this point forward is genuinely just breathtaking also as a side note)

it especially explains the demeanor they've had toward me throughout the game, like i kinda said earlier, very motherly overall. i felt loved. it was sincerely nice. but then it gets even more emotional frm there for me...they say this:

"When I say I want you to come with me, I mean I want to absorb you back into me. You will be returning from where you came. Your thoughts will be my thoughts again, and it will be like a dream to me. It will be wonderful…"

was given a choice.

ONCE AGAIN. OF FUCKING COURSE I HIT YES.

this part just made me tear up a little-the response i got:

"Oh, my beautiful apple. You will no longer live in this confusion of yours. You will be safe."

i basically immediately realized what was happening to me and why it was hitting me so damn hard.

...

it's basically no secret at this point (i make sure its not) that i'm, dissociative. to the extent i fucking formed 10+ people in my head about it. lol. that being said, i'm all-too familiar with what it's like to just be, broken, split apart, fractured.

Its Not Great !

i lucked out, with my system. (there's a lot to it but this dissociative disorder shit can REALLY BE TOUGH depending on a lot of circumstances. well its tough Already, but yeah) i only (at the time of writing) deal with one alter who more or less has it out for me, and the rest of us. that makes it so that i have pretty much 12 additional friends just kind of in my noggin at every given moment. it's pretty cool-things are even such a way regarding how we work that they can just talk to me and my friends rather fluidly. it can result in a lot of shenanigans.

but the road to which led them all to forming was fucking crazy and shitty. i won't go into details i guess here but dissociative disorders are most of the time traumagenic, to give you an idea. its not great, as i said earlier. theres just a lot to OSDD that i don't like, the memory issues i regularly have come to mind, along with me feeling detached from the world, other things. blegh.

that considered along with , complex (negative) feelings abt family shit considered it's probably just, obvious as hell why this scene resonates with me so much.

(had this revelation while getting screenshots for this post but the character they're hugging which i can only assume is the player looks alarmingly like one of my oldest sonas. made everything hit a lil harder for me)

i feel like a broken soul. and i yearn to be whole, again.

i don't think i would have taken up this oppurtunity irl if i was granted it given how much i do enjoy about being my own person who does things and whatnot but the thought lingers. getting to live it out to some degree thru this lil mini interactive artpiece just proved very therapeutic to me. i discovered it very early in the morning, and didnt really talk to anyone about it until after i experienced it. going through all of that solitarily, in my blue-lit room (thank you phillips for the hue bulb. Lol) just did a lot for me. i'm very, very thankful.

(should also note the same day i played the game i also took a phone call frm my mom and we talked about life stuff. it kinda hurt. to quote frm a more primitive form of this writeup "she used to bring me great comfort in my youth, during times i really needed it. complex feelings have led to a rift between us, that she can't even see. that i don't even, know if i want her to see." kinda says everything ig)

it was a nice escape from everything i'm generally going through at the moment, broadly. the process of recovery has proven to be fucking insane and full of all sorts of surprises on top of a very unpleasant yet expected amount of moments ive been faced with my absolutely, less pleasant qualities to my personality and bad habits and such. it sucks, but im at least...well i like to THINK im at least angled toward being better about shit but i don't know. i'm still learning. it's tough and i know i'm not alone when it comes to CPTSD recovery or dissociative disorder coping or bipolar disorder coping or whatever the hell else, but it really just, feels cold and solitary a lot of the time regardless. it's tough. it really is tough.

im just glad i found this little game. any sort of respite that appeals to me to that degree is just very appreciated.

i almost thought it was some strange divine shit going down in my life that led me to even stumbling upon it, the way it hit me. didn't lead to any i guess new revelations about my life or whatever, which is fine!

but. i liked it. it's nice.

i'm grateful. :)

slitherbop, if you're reading this, thank you. sincerely. from the bottom of my heart.

also plz more acid glitch parenting moment's plz (lol)

~ E.K.S.G.

#erin experiences #slitherbop #visual novel #outsider art #Youtube

[thebardisabird]

I would like to thank @karamatsusquirrel for commissioning me and allowing me to bring such a very lovely prompt to life for her. She was sweet enough to allow me to post it here for you all to read. Researcher!Erin x Naga!Karamatsu, under the cut:

To say she had been counting down the days until this next trip was an understatement. Originally she was meant to only explore the area once; gathering photos of the local wildlife and a few carefully collected samples of plants to return back to her homebase site. It was referred to as the Akatsuka Wilds - an uninhabited, unexplored section of rainforest that many explorers knew little to nothing about. Rumor had it that each expedition there had left the active crew completely frightened and unable to finish the tasks at hand…and when questioned about it, refused to even speak on the matter. As a result, the Akatsuka Wilds remained an enigma to all. Erin had been researching with Professor Dekapan and his team for only a couple of years, a true asset in her willingness to assist in projects and her keen eye for spotting details undetectable to even some of her seniors. However, there was more she wanted to learn - and with her knowledge and experience thus far, she offered to take on a project no one else would: exploring the Akatsuka Wilds. There was heavy reluctance in Professor Dekapan at her request, but seeing her bright eyes and excitement for a challenge, he couldn’t say no. 

That’s how she began traversing the depths of the rainforest. She was properly armed with a flare gun, an emergency radio, and a machete as she made her way through the greenery on her own. Recollecting her first visit, the foliage seemed typical of what was expected: plenty of orchids, bromeliads, and even a few trees with pitcher plants. The animals nearby weren’t uncommon either: a flock of toucans, a tapir (with which Erin safely kept her distance), and quite a few red tree frogs. She had notes from previous trips that the area always seemed to bustle with life, sounds and smells captivating her senses at each expedition. A feeling she swore she would never get tired of. The young researcher smiled to herself, rereading some of her older entries in her logbook. When she returned from her very first voyage, there were questions galore: “What happened to you?” “Did you find anything new?” “Did you see the unspoken horrors that befell the other crews?”

Erin remembered the excitement in her voice, “Even better! I made contact with a Naga tribe!” 

It took Professor Dekapan a multitude of meetings to convince her cohorts to allow her to continue this expedition alone. Their curiosities were piqued - but seeing as how Erin had all of the proficiency and clear capability to hold her own in uncharted territory, she was made the sole researcher for the area. In her logs she’d made mention of accidentally running into a ‘large yellow snake-man hybrid’, a subdivision of mythical serpentine creatures that she would later find out were referred to as nagas. This specific naga had caught her off guard one day as she was uprooting a specimen of flora never seen before. Its movements were sudden, the noise of its slithering only catching her ears at the very last second. Erin remembered letting out a startled scream and ducking for cover upon sight of it, but nothing wound up actually happening. When she felt it safe to look up, she was face to face with the beast. An obtusely wide grin that held sharp fangs and large yellow eyes greeted her. “Ha…you didn’t run away or try to hurt me like the rest of them, you’re brave!” it exclaimed, pulling back from her slowly. She blinked, stunned by its sudden speech. Upon closer inspection, this creature not only had a long canary colored tail, but held the musculature and frame of a man from the navel and up. Seeing as how it distanced itself, Erin took this opportunity to spill the first question biting at her, “What…are you?” The snake-man tilted its head in thought before perking up with a more cheerful grin, “I’m Jyushimatsu! I’m a naga!” And thus was her first contact with the Nagamatsu tribe of the Akatsuka Wilds. Detailed in her logs were several instances of her visiting him since. She’d made a pact with her new naga friend - he would bring her plants or show her signs of wildlife specific only to the region, and she would bring artifacts, teach him skill sets, or bring him goods from the world outside. Under this agreement, Erin found herself learning so much about the tribe solely through Jyushimatsu - a relationship that allowed for her to expound her comprehension on a once mysterious terrain. She came to find the more she absorbed, the more she wanted to know if there were others like Jyushimatsu. When the question arose, she was met with, “Of course! Next time you come visit, I’ll introduce you to my nii-sans!” 

So here she was, back once more on a new expedition with the promise of new meetings. Jyushimatsu led Erin deeper than she’d scouted before, through moss covered grounds and low hanging leaves until finally they came to a halt in front of a large mass of mixed foliage. A simple, “ho!” and Jyushimatu’s tail had taken hold of a large branch, moving it out of his way and holding it at bay. He gestured for her to step through the pathway first; what sight befell her was breathtaking. Large reeded huts, each adorned with a specific splotch of color! There were several trees, molded and shaped almost like lounge chairs. The sheer craftsmanship of all of the surrounding homegoods was so spellbinding that she failed to see the other five nagas staring directly at her. “Oi! Everyone! Meet my friend, Erin! She’s a human!” he waved giddily, hurrying her along to approach them. It made sense why the huts were color-coded - so was each brother! “Oh! She’s cute! Good job, Jyushimatsu, you think she’ll let me kiss-” said the crimson naga, before promptly being smacked by the jade one. “Idiot! That’s not how you introduce yourself to anybody, let alone a human!” He turned to Erin, “Forgive Osomatsu-niisan, he’s incredibly stupid,” his hand came to his chest, “I’m Choromatsu, the one behind me is Ichimatsu” as he pointed to a violet colored naga that was carefully observing you at a distance. Popping up suddenly came a naga in a more fuschia tone, “I’m Todomatsu! You’re really pretty! And your hair reminds me of oatmeal,” he giggled (she would put a pin in that to ask him how he knew what oatmeal was later). Finally, the last brother, shaded a deep cerulean, slid up to her, taking her tinier hand in his clawed one, “Heh, not everyday a bipedal princess makes her way to our humble abode” he leaned forward to brush his lips against her knuckles, “You can call me Karamatsu.” His overly flirtatious greeting had her blushing, but she held her composure enough to return the pleasantry. Erin would find that they were actually a rather socialized bunch - aware of the world outside while also remaining untethered from it. Questions of her past, what she did ‘to survive’ and how she met Jyushimatsu of course all arose. She was thankful to be able to ask as much about them as she wanted in return. Nagas had the capability to hypnotize prey, could shapeshift, and even once had regular contact with human society before industrialism destroyed a mass amount of the forest. Erin felt her heart sink at that last bit, taking note of their saddened expressions and reminding herself to speak to Professor Dekapan about a possible conservationist/restorationist effort. She was given the opportunity to capture a few photos of the native avifauna with the help of the brothers, and even collected a few petals and stems of a new bioluminescent flower that grew nearby. In exchange, she brought them sweet rice cakes that she made herself as well as some colorful, ethically sourced geodes from her past geology trips. Before she knew it, sundown would come. “Ah, I promise I’ll be back real soon to visit again, okay?” she waved goodbye to the brothers. It would be Karamatsu this time that would lead her out. He was cautious of wildlife that awoke at dusk, and though she didn’t see it - his tail would form a loose surrounding barrier around her. She felt oddly safe around the second son, and he made her more relaxed through his pleasant conversation about his parents and the things he’s seen in his lifetime (nagas also had an impressively long lifespan!). When the time came for them to part ways, Erin found Karamatsu shielding his eyes. “Oh the goddess that is the sun…she truly pains me around this time of day.” The analyst reacted as if a lightbulb had gone off, reaching suddenly into her knapsack. “Here,” she offered, pressing an object into Karamatsu’s hand. He studied the thing, black and shaped angularly, he wasn’t sure what to make of it. There were questions swimming in his expression. “They’re called sunglasses,” she said through a bubbly smile, “They help dim sunlight so you can see better, you just have to put them on over your eyes.” Karamatsu seemed unsure of what to do despite her description, though this allowed Erin to gently take the sunglasses from him and carefully placed them on his face. He blinked once. Twice. Even a third time, until it finally dawned on him that she was right - the sun was a lot less harsh in his peripheral vision! “A marvel!” he exclaimed, hands holding onto the temples in curiosity, “I never knew my eyes could be shielded so easily from her daunting rays!” A soft laugh escaped Erin, “They make you look pretty cool too, Karamatsu.” His eyes grew wide with emotion, her comment going straight to his heart, “I look…cool?” She nodded, “A hundred percent. And feel free to keep them please, if it helps you see better with the sun out, I’m glad I could be of use to you.” Karamatsu shook his head vigorously, his words failing him as he felt sheer joy overcome him. Erin said her goodbyes for the evening, reiterating her promise to visit again soon. As she walked back to her vehicle, she felt a flutter followed by a pang in her chest from that interaction just then. Karamatsu, he decided, would never take the sunglasses off again.

Each visit she returned, Karamatsu found himself growing ever closer to her. She was unbelievably kind - not only to him, but to his brothers to boot. Jyushimatsu had told them all about her the first time they’d met - and he couldn’t lie, his interest was piqued when the younger brother mentioned she wasn’t violent or scared of him. Little did he know how truly brilliant she was. Sandy brown locks that framed her ever-smiling face; a voice that spoke of the joys of life and the importance of using knowledge to give back and protect the planet. But her eyes…oh those dazzling orbs were what drew him in the most. They weren’t quite as green as Choromatsu’s scales, but they reminded him of the lush earth that was his home. Yet when they hit the sunlight just right, he swore he saw flecks of his signature color in them. The good nature she carried and her ever intelligent mind took a python’s hold on him. She was a beauty all her own. Her visits, no matter how frequent, began to feel too short to the second eldest. Karamatsu struggled with not being able to see Erin on a daily basis like he wanted. When confronting himself with these thoughts and feelings, he was only able to recognize them as emotions his mother used to talk about often when referring to her marriage. It didn’t really hit him in full until her last visit, when his scales had begun to shimmer upon seeing her. At that moment, Karamatsu would make up his mind for their next meeting. He walked her down their normal route to exit the rainforest at first, with him thanking her for showing all of his brothers how to plant and care for a garden of tomatoes. “Ah, darling, if you’ll wait a second” he stopped suddenly, shifting his body to the right, “There was one thing I wanted to show you quickly before you headed off for the evening, if you’ll follow me.” He guided her off of the path - an interference that would make a lesser person nervous, but Erin trusted Karamatsu wholeheartedly, she knew he’d never bring her to harm. Curiosity wracked her brain however, “Where are we going, Kara?” His grin was unnoticeably bashful, but he slowly parted a covering of vines to show her just where they’d headed: a small lake, crystalline blue and surrounded by the same bioluminescent flowers she’d gathered months ago. Her gasp was audible, “Oh my goodness, is it safe to swim in? Karamatsu, this is beautiful!” As soon as he confirmed so, the need to dive right in overcame her, and she quickly removed her shoes, running to the bank and submerging herself up to her elbows in a minute’s time. “C’mon you silly snake, come in with me!” she giggled as she waved him over. He followed suit, his tail propelling him into the water with serpentine grace. He circled around her, their laughter being shared as he was splashed at as a moving target. Karamatsu felt his scales shimmer again, the overwhelming need to hold her close to him settling in while his buoyant tail reflected the sunlight in gorgeous golden hues. Erin marveled at the sight, “I didn’t know you could do that! Is that an aquatic response?” 

Delighted in her amazement, Karamatsu forgot himself, “Not quite, dear Erin, it’s a courting resp-” and his voice caught in his throat when he realized what he was saying. The terror that plagued him was indescribable, his heart thrashing in his chest. He didn’t plan on telling her so soon. Erin looked up at him with softened doe eyes, “Karamatsu…?” The blue naga swallowed thickly. “I-It’s a courting response…” he stammered, eyes darting everywhere but her face now, “I…I-I like you, Erin.” It was silent for a moment. Karamatsu snapped his eyes shut, unable to face any potential rejection she gave him…only to feel the gentle touch of hands on his face. A question posed at his lips, but they would die on the pair that silenced them. Erin draped her arms around his neck, leaning into the kiss a bit more. Karamatsu instinctively encased his arms around her waist, pulling her even closer. His tongue flitted into her mouth, wrapping around her own in a playful manner. A clawed hand tangled itself in her hair, before finally pulling himself from her lips. “Erin, I…” Karamatsu paused, feeling unsure of what to say. With warmth and adoration tucked in her voice, Erin filled the silence, “I knew what I felt for you was different, Karamatsu…I’m so happy that you feel the same.” “I had no idea…” came his subdued response. Her smile turned to a playful smirk, “I wasn’t exactly subtle about it, Karamatsu…” and her fingers tapped his sunglasses. Flushed at her words, Karamatsu drew her in for a warm embrace. His chin slotted onto her shoulder blade, he whispered, “You were wrong, my flower, it’s I that should be happy you feel the same about me.” Erin pressed her hands firmly into his back, her head leaning on his shoulder, a wave of tenderness blanketing her. For learning so much as she had about nagas, she knew had far more to wonder about their courtship practices. But this discovery, she was thrilled to uncover, was one she would lovingly explore with the very blue naga that shared her affections. 

#ososan #osomatsu san #karamatsu #karamatsu matsuno #naga!karamatsu #naga karamatsu #naga au #nagamatsu #karamatsu x self-insert #self-insert #ososan imagines #osomatsu san imagines #ososan fanfiction #osomatsu san fanfiction #commission

[daechwitatamic]

Chapter 4: What's Actually There || KTH

(banner by @itaeewon)

Title: What Was Hidden (Masterpost)

Rating: explicit, minors DNI pls

Genre: college!au, angst, eventual smut, strangers -> friends -> lovers -> idiots -> lovers

Pairings: Taehyung x female reader, MYG x OC

Summary:  This is how it all starts: Taehyung is flunking Western Lit. You’re assigned to tutor him. His paper on Strindberg’s The Ghost Sonata could pass or fail him for the semester. As you and Taehyung slowly become friends, then more, you learn that there’s a lot more to him than you originally assumed. Together, you navigate your own experiences with the play’s themes: one’s “true self” versus one’s “shown self”, darkness behind the facade, and how people can be quite literally haunted - and it has nothing to do with ghosts.

//

In which there is a waffle date, a soup delivery, and an argument.

Chapter Warnings: language, feelings get hurt left and right

Word Count: 6k

I saw the sun and thought I saw what was hidden

The Ghost Sonata | Scene III August Strindberg

Chapter 4: What’s Actually There

Wednesday, November 14th

Wednesday morning brings torrential rain, and it’s just cold enough that every now and then you’re convinced it’s actually sleeting. You stand in the middle of your room, squinting at the window, trying to determine if you are seeing rain or snow.

“Y/N?” Kiko asks tentatively, watching you. “You good?”

“I have to go to the library for tutoring,” you tell her. “And I think I might have to swim there.”

You bundle up, pull on a black ball cap to keep the rain out of your eyes, and grab your bag. 

“See you for lunch after?” Kiko asks you as you pull on a pair of tall boots.

“Yep,” you tell her. “Should be there right after twelve.”

You wave goodbye and head out, splashing your way down the stairs and around the path towards the library. Unlike last week, you beat Taehyung there, and you choose a table that’s in the middle of the large room. You’re logging into your laptop when Taehyung comes up next to you, shaking rain off of his bag.

“Hey,” you tell him. His hair is soaked, sticking to his face in places, and the grey hoodie he’s wearing is dotted with wet patches. You take in his drowned appearance and remark, “You’re going to get pneumonia.”

“No I’m not,” he says easily. “I was only in the rain for like two seconds, I parked in the student lot right here. You’re the one who had to cross campus.”

“How’s the Ghost Sonata paper coming along?” you ask, opening his tutoring document on your laptop.

“I think good?” he says. “I’m working on looking for the disillusionment parts in the text.”

You frown at him. “You were supposed to be done with that step for today’s session.”

“So sue me,” he says, pulling a face at you. “I was busy with that Ibsen homework, it took me such a long time.”

“So what do you need the most help with today?” you ask. 

“Finding the parts of the text about disillusionment,” he says quickly. “Can you help me? Can you tell me where to look for them?”

“Well,” you muse, chin on your hand, “the character experiencing the disillusionment is the Student, so I’d focus on his lines… and probably not Scene I.”

“Scene II it is,” Taehyung says, leaning back in his chair and digging around in his bag for the text. 

You start answering emails as Taehyung begins to read. You thought he was kidding about books putting him to sleep, but when you glance at him three emails later, his eyes are drooping, the book listing sideways in his hand.

“Taehyung!” you say sharply, and he jerks awake. 

“Shit, sorry,” he says, flushing red. “I told you.”

He’s settling back in to read again and you’re blinking at him in disbelief when you see them. Over Taehyung’s shoulder, you spy a head of hair that you’d know anywhere. Davis sits at a table, facing you, his laptop open in front of him. Erin sits beside him, smiling and leaning to say something close to his ear.

You feel nauseated. You feel like your throat is closing up. You fight the urge to sink lower in your chair to hide behind your laptop screen. Your fight or flight instincts are waging war inside you; you want to fling your laptop at Davis’s head, and you also want to fucking run. You can’t do either of these things - one is assault, and the other is against your tutoring contract. You are stuck with Kim Taehyung for sixty minutes, like it or not.

You can’t imagine which emotion is playing across your face right now: the anger you feel every time you see the two of them, the fear of being spotted, or the well of absolute shame that opens beneath you every time you think about how stupid you were last year. Whichever it is, Taehyung takes notice, slowly turning to look over his shoulder to see what caused the reaction. He turns back to you and says, his voice oddly gentle, “Do we not like them? I get the feeling we don’t like them.”

It takes you a second, but you finally find your voice. You’re stuck with him for an hour… but maybe you aren’t stuck here, in this library. “Taehyung,” you say slowly, voice hardly a whisper. “Could we - do you - would it be okay if we finished our hour literally anywhere else?”

“Yeah,” he says immediately, but he doesn’t move. He’s watching you carefully, eyes combing your face. Then he stands, closing his laptop and sliding it back into his bag. “Let’s go,” he says to you, and you’re up in a flash, grabbing everything you’d spread out on the table and dumping it all unceremoniously into your own bag. 

He leads you to the library’s side entrance, which looks out onto the student parking lot. You both stop, watching the deluge of rain outside. It’s raining like it’s angry, like the sky itself has scores to settle. 

“Mine is the silver one,” Taehyung tells you, pointing. “You ready to run?”

“Yes,” you tell him, feeling a jolt of adrenaline. “I’m ready.”

He throws open the library door and you both run, the rain hitting you like a slap. You shriek and splutter, each step you take causing water to splash all the way up to your knees. As you open the front passenger door and sling yourself onto the seat, Taehyung does the same on the driver’s side. You both sit there, absolutely dripping, listening to the rain assault the roof of the car. 

Then, Taehyung starts laughing. 

Once he starts, neither of you can stop. You’re wiping both rain and tears from your eyes, and Taehyung’s shoulders are shaking, one hand against his aching diaphragm. He uses both hands to push his wet hair away from his face, and you actually have to tip your bag to let some collected rainwater drip out. 

Taehyung looks over at you, a mirthful smile lingering on his face. “You in the mood for waffles?” he asks.

You smile, wringing water out of your hair and shaking out your hoodie from where it was sticking to you. “Yeah,” you tell him. “Waffles sound great.”

The roads are holding water, and Taehyung drives cautiously, which you appreciate. You’d have pegged him for a showy driver, but he’s surprisingly careful. As the car idles at a red light, heat blasting, he glances over at you.

“You wanna talk about what happened in there?” he asks, all signs of laughter gone from his face. 

And the thing is… you do. Not necessarily with Taehyung, or any cute guy for that matter. You’ve always been told not to talk shit about an old job when you’re on a job interview, and you think the same must apply to men. Right? But you don’t want to tell Kiko all about it, because it feels weird that you’re willing to share and she’s not, and as much as you love Bridget she’s really just invested in her next good time. And Nina has been… Nina. Maybe it’s your own fault for having such limited options. Maybe it says something about you that you don’t have more friends to rely on.

Is Taehyung your friend? 

Not exactly. But he’s been nice to you, and he’s asking. 

You sigh, looking at your shoes. “That was my ex.”

“Ah,” Taehyung says. “Got it. And his new girl, I assume? That’s tough.”

“I wish it was just his new girl,” you grumble. “That’s the girl he cheated on me with back in April.”

Taehyung turns to look at you, but quickly whips back to get his eyes back on the road. “Jesus,” he says. “No wonder you freaked out.”

“I didn’t freak out,” you protest. “I just really didn’t want to sit and watch them make eyes at each other for another fifty minutes.”

“You freaked out,” he asserts. “But I think it was valid. Does that happen a lot?”

“What, me freaking out?”

He gives you a look. “Running into them.”

You shrug. “Campus isn’t that big. It happens a lot, but usually I can leave.”

Taehyung is narrowing his eyes at you as he flicks on his turn signal and merges into the turn lane. “I think that guy comes to a lot of our parties,” he says, like he is solving a puzzle. There’s nothing to solve - Davis loves a good party. You used to go together.

“Sounds right,” you say. “Anyway, thanks for…” You almost say for getting me out of there but that sounds a lot more ‘damsel in distress' than you’d like. 

“Don’t mention it,” Taehyung says, even though you never finished your sentence. “I love an excuse for a waffle.”

He parks outside a diner, and you grab your bag before you both sprint to the front door. Taehyung holds the door for you, and you mumble a thank you as you scoot past him. The hostess seats you two in a booth near the back, and you both immediately start pulling out laptops and notebooks, setting back up for tutoring. 

Next to your booth, the rain pounds against the window. It’s so dark out there it could be the middle of the night. The diner is pleasantly full - you can blend into the hubbub. It’s the “I love large parties” type of intimacy that F Scott Fitzgerald talks about in Gatsby. It’s the kind of vibe where you feel like you could bare your soul and let the consequences roll right off you, if you were that kind of person.

“The whole facade theme has been rolling around my brain all week,” he tells you after ordering hot tea for him and coffee for you. 

“Oh yeah?” you say, glancing at him as you log back into your laptop.

“Yeah, it’s like I’m seeing it everywhere now,” he tells you, voice thoughtful. “I’m thinking about everyone around me and how it applies to them, even myself. Like…” he trails off, collecting what he means to say, “Like what I present versus what’s actually there.”

“That’s kind of heavy,” you observe.

“I dunno,” he says, looking at you, steady. “When you’re aware of your own ‘facade’ it can help you work on being more genuine, if that’s what you want. And it can help you notice it in others, see them for the darkness that’s actually there.” He’s still looking at you, gaze heavy, almost like a challenge.

You meet this with silence. Is he implying something about you? He barely knows you, and you’re half-tempted to call him out on it. 

“And that’s a good thing?” you ask, as the waiter comes by and places your plates on the table around the mess of papers. “To go around trying to poke around behind the masks people put on?”

“You don’t think so?” he challenges. “Wouldn’t you rather know - and connect with - someone’s true self over their… facade, so to speak?”

“I think people show us the parts of themselves that they’re comfortable with sharing for a reason,” you counter. 

“But that only gets you so far,” he says. “You don’t actually know somebody until you break past all that and see what’s hidden.”

You twist your lips. You feel like you want to argue, but logically he’s right. You take a bite of your food, using the bought time to examine why you’re heated. It certainly couldn’t be because you know how few people you let in. Definitely not.

You drop your gaze, losing the unspoken game of Chicken. “I guess that’s true. Anyway, you should work on your notes,” you say quietly.

He purses his lips and reaches for his Strindberg text obediently, popping a bite of waffle into his mouth. “Fine,” he says. “But I’m considering this a debate victory.” 

You roll your eyes, and you two don’t speak again until he asks a clarifying question about the themes behind the vampiric cook. When you’re done eating and the plates are cleared, you reach for your wallet when the check comes.

“No, no,” Taehyung says sharply, pulling the bill away. “You’re not paying.”

“Yes, I am,” you insist. “I’m paying for my half.”

“I owe you for the free tutoring you gave me over the weekend,” he reminds you. “Let me buy your damn omelet, Y/N.”

You huff, but let it go, thanking him for the food and for the ride when he drops you off outside the academic buildings for your afternoon class. 

“See you tomorrow night?” he asks as his car idles outside of the building students call The Mansion. 

“Yep,” you say as you gather your things. “Hopefully we won’t be chased out of the library by my ex again. I’m really sorry about that.”

That night, as you lay on your bunk watching crappy tv on your laptop, Taehyung facetimes you again. You consider letting him look at the ceiling again, but he already saw you soaked from the rain earlier today, so at least you look better now.

“Homework problem?” you ask as you answer, trying to keep your voice down. Bridget’s up on her bunk, and you’re not sure if she has headphones in or not.

“You remember the ‘what can haunt us’ theme we were talking about?” he says, no preamble.

“Yeah,” you say, shifting to get more comfortable against your pillows. “You adding that to your paper?”

“No,” he says, rubbing his chin. “I was just thinking about it…”

“Well, don’t hurt yourself,” you quip, and he gives you the finger right in the middle of his screen, making you laugh.

“I just think,” he says as he replaces his hand with his face on screen, “that you left out a pretty big one when you were listing all the stuff people can be haunted by.”

“I did, huh?” you say playfully.

“Yeah,” he says, suddenly serious. “Our pasts.”

You’re quiet for a minute. It’s a lot, everything he’s said to you today. You don’t know if he’s talking about you and what happened today with Erin and Davis, or if he’s talking about himself, or neither. 

“Yeah,” you say finally. “You’re right… that’s a big one.”

He licks his lips quickly, glances to the side. “That was all. See you tomorrow.”

“Goodnight, Taehyung,” you say quietly.

On the bunk above you, where she clearly had been listening in, Bridget lets out a gleeful shriek. 

Thursday, November 15th

When you wake up on Thursday morning, you can tell that you’re sick before you even open your eyes. Your head is pounding - not the hangover kind - and your throat feels like there’s glass in it. You’re so congested you can barely breathe, and your back hurts, the deep ache that’s a telltale sign of a fever.

“Fuuuuuuuck,” you groan, getting up and shuffling towards the bathroom. You rummage in the medicine cabinet over the sink until you find your thermometer, and pop it in your mouth. Sure enough, when it beeps, it reads out a number that sends you right back to bed.

You open your laptop blearily and email both of your professors for the day, apologizing and asking for any work you can do to maintain your grade. Then, you email Bianca to let her know you’ll have to reschedule Becky and Taehyung. Then you close it, bury your face in your pillow, and fall back asleep without even getting under the blankets.

Bridget wakes you up two hours later, shaking your arm gently.

“Babe,” she says, peering at you. “Don’t you have class in ten minutes?”

“I’m not going,” you mumble into your arms. “I have a fever.”

“Ugh,” she says, standing back up. “I’m sorry. Go back to sleep then.”

“Okay,” you say - or, you think you say it. You drift in and out of sleep for a few more achy, restless hours. The next time someone shakes you awake, it’s Kiko.

“Have you taken anything?” she asks as you blink at her.

You try to ask “What?” but it comes out more like hhwhuu?

“Medicine,” she says flatly. “Have you taken any cold medicine?”

You shake your head, closing your eyes again. She pokes you in the arm, and you realize a minute or two must have passed because she’s handing you a few tylenol and a water bottle.

“Take those,” she directs. “At least get your fever down.”

You follow her orders wordlessly, waking up by degrees. After you twist the cap back on the water bottle, you reach for your phone, scrolling through your accounts with your blankets bunched around your head.

“I’m going out for a few hours,” she says. “Do you think you’ll be okay?”

“I’ll be fine,” you say. “It’s just a cold. Thanks, Kiks.”

The fever-reducer works its magic, and about half an hour later you feel good enough to get up and take a hot shower. That helps almost as much as the medicine, and when you step out, you feel significantly more human.

You comb your hair and change into clean sweatpants, plopping back on your bed and searching for something to watch. You’re scrolling through, trying to choose, when your phone goes off.

[5:01 PM] Taehyung: ☹️

You sit up with a jolt, thinking he’s waiting for you to show up at tutoring.

[5:02 PM] You: you didn’t get an email from the dept? i’m sick. we’ll reschedule.

As you expect by now, your phone buzzes again to indicate an incoming facetime call.

“Taehyung,” you groan as you answer. “You have got to start texting like a normal person. I do not want you - or anyone - looking at my face right now.”

He frowns at you. “Are you okay?”

“Of course I’m okay,” you mutter, still cranky. “I have a cold - I woke up with a fever. It’s probably from splashing around in the rain like that yesterday.”

His frown deepens, as if you’d accused him of doing this to you. Which is not what you’d said. 

“It’s fine,” you insist. “I already feel way better than I did when I woke up.”

He sighs a little, and you peer at him. He looks like he’s at home, on his bed. It definitely looks like a bed-pillow behind his head. You thought he’d gone to the library for tutoring and called you because you weren’t there. Apparently he knew tutoring was off, went home, and still called to check on you.

Hm.

“I…” he trails off, twisting his mouth a little. “I was kind of worried that you canceled because of yesterday?”

This baffles you. “Yesterday?”

“Just, y’know… I said a lot of personal stuff… you said yourself some of it was heavy. I thought maybe you were, uh, needing a little space after that. I thought that’s why you canceled.”

You shake your head. “Taehyung, no,” you say, stupidly feeling like you want to reach out and give him a reassuring touch. “I really…. I liked our conversations yesterday.”

“Okay,” he says. “You sound sick, so I guess I believe you.”

“I wouldn’t lie to you about it,” you tell him. “I’m painfully honest.”

He laughs. “Don’t I know it. Hey, did you know your roommate is here?”

You raise your eyebrows. “I did not, but I’m not surprised. I heard she’s been there a lot.”

Taehyung lowers his voice, clearly not wanting to be overheard. “Do you know what Yoongi’s doing right now? He’s downstairs cooking her soup. Like… it’s so domestic. I don’t even know who he is right now.”

You laugh. “Kiko’s one of the coolest, best people I know,” you tell him. “So good for him, I guess.”

You’re both quiet for a minute, and then Taehyung says, “Okay, well, feel better, Y/N. I’ll see you next week?”

“Yeah,” you tell him. “We’ll reschedule today’s session to another time. The department will reach out.”

“Not you?” he asks, voice teasing.

“It’s gotta be done officially,” you tell him. “I don’t make the rules. See you, Taehyung.”

You’re smiling as you hang up.

About an hour later, Kiko comes through the door, a plastic grocery bag in her hands. She stops next to your bed, one eyebrow raised.

“Would you like to tell me why I’m carrying soup right now?” she asks tartly. 

You raise an eyebrow right back at her. “You felt bad for me and brought me sustenance?”

“No no no,” she says, shaking her head, her black hair swishing. “I was instructed to bring you soup. It was not my idea. So I ask you again: would you like to tell me why am I carrying soup right now?”

You sit up, biting back a smile. “Would you like to tell me where you got the soup, Kiko?”

She freezes, caught, and then you both crack up. She moves to sit at the end of your bed.

“So, Taehyung is just unnecessarily worried about his tutoring partner,” she deadpans.

“You first,” you insist.

She sighs, knowing this is fair. “I don’t really know what to tell you,” she admits. “I’ve never done this before, I don’t know what the landmarks are that I’m supposed to share.”

You shrug. “It’s different for everybody anyway. You make your own landmarks.”

She plays with the bag in her hands, avoiding your eyes. “Well, I don’t know, we started texting and he mentioned the music he’s working on and he sent me some of it and it’s really good, Y/N, like it’s so good and then he asked me to work on a track with him?”

You look at her, mouth agape. You don’t even know what to ask first. “Yoongi makes music? You make music? Why didn’t I know that?”

“He’s really good,” she repeats. “He wanted me to do some vocals for him? I don’t know, I don’t talk about it a lot, I get embarrassed.” 

You blink a few times, still trying to process. “So you’ve just been working on music together? That’s it?”

She blushes. “I mean… that’s not all we’re doing.”

You cackle. “I’m so proud of you.”

“Shut up,” she tells you, but she’s smiling. “So? I don’t know? I’m just… taking it one day at a time and seeing where it goes? But I really like him… and he seems really into it, too.”

“That’s amazing,” you tell her sincerely. “I’m so excited for you.”

“I’m trying not to be excited,” she admits. “I don’t want to jinx it.”

You shake your head. “Being afraid of it won’t change if it works or not. In fact, it definitely steers it towards not working if you go in with zero faith.”

“It’s not zero faith,” she grumbles defensively. “It’s just a healthy dose of trepidation. Now, what’s up with you and Taehyung?”

“Nothing,” you say, a knee-jerk reaction. She holds up the soup, as if to say, the proof says otherwise. “I mean, officially we’re just starting to be friends?”

“But?” she prompts. 

“But… it feels like the potential for more could be there?” you say uncertainly.  “It’s hard to tell. Nothing beyond friend boundaries has happened.”

“He demanded I bring soup to you,” she says. “That’s not friend boundaries. That’s scream my love at the sun boundaries.”

“We definitely aren’t at that level,” you tell her, chuckling despite yourself. “Maybe you’re thinking of Yoongi?”

“Okay, we’re done here!” she chirps, which makes you laugh more. “Here’s your soup. Yoongi made it, it’s delicious.”

You take a selfie with the soup container covering the lower half of your face, your tired eyes peeking over the top of it, and send it to Taehyung. He sends back a row of smilies.

Friend boundaries.

Right.

Saturday, November 17th

You stay in Friday night again, and by Saturday morning you’re feeling more like yourself. But when Bridget tells you that the guys want you all to come have a more low-key night at the house - drinks, snacks, and a movie - you’re kind of relieved. You don’t hate the idea of a night of socializing where you actually get to sit most of the time.

And, well, you’ll be happy to see Taehyung. It’ll be nice to hang out in an environment that isn’t forced schoolwork or a loud-ass bar. Maybe you can start to feel out what’s there between you two, and get to know him a little more.

You (and Bridget, who has been fully updated) are also very interested to see Kiko and Yoongi interact. You feel like a walking, talking sideways-eyes emoji.

It’s overcast as the three of you walk the twenty minutes to Jin’s house in the dark. The night is very still, you think. The air feels almost heavy. You wonder if it’s supposed to snow. You’ll have to ask Mister “Party Trick” when you get there.

Jin lets you in when you three arrive, and you step into his living room as you have several times before - but it feels like you’ve entered a brand new world. You’ve never seen the inside of his house with all the lights on, you realize. Nor with the furniture in place - instead of a dj booth shoved in the corner and the living room floor acting as a dance floor, Seokjin actually has a decent set-up of two couches and a lumpy reclining chair around his sizable tv. 

Jungkook is sprawled on the floor with a few pillows and a bowl of popcorn. Jimin’s sideways across the reclining chair, leaning backwards over it so that he can have a conversation at eye-level with Jungkook. There’s a girl you don’t know on one of the couches, chatting with the boys, and she waves at you all. Jin leads you into the kitchen, where he’s got a ton of food and drinks spread out.

You’re all standing in the kitchen, listening to Jin’s food explanation, when the back door opens. Taehyung steps through, rubbing his hands together briskly to warm them up. You smile at him, lifting a hand to wave, and then you see the pretty, dark-haired girl step through the door behind him. She rests one hand lightly on his upper back, as if he’s leading the way through a dark cave and she has to feel him to find her way out.

“Hey!” Taehyung says, smiling big, and you try to keep your smile up. Behind you, Kiko pokes you once in the ribs. 

I know, shut up, you think, as if she can hear you.

Bridget, oblivious, starts to make her drink. “Do you want one of these?” she asks you over her shoulder. Distracted, you tear your eyes away from Taehyung and his companion as they head back into the living room. 

“I should probably stick to soda tonight,” you tell her. “I’ve still got cold medicine in my system.”

“Smart,” she nods, handing you a plastic cup. As you wait your turn at the ice bucket, you meet Kiko’s gaze across the kitchen. She raises her eyebrows at you, and you give her a tiny shrug back. 

You’re glad you’re not alone and she can’t actually say whatever it is her eyebrow is saying. What would you even tell her? Taehyung can do what he wants with whomever he wants. You’re barely friends, and nothing beyond that has happened (sans soup delivery), so you’ve got zero reason to feel upset.

Though, reason be damned, your stomach is clenching, your throat feeling a little tight.

Yoongi appears in the doorway, and you take a second to take a good look at him, glad for the distraction. You never paid much attention to him before this thing started with Kiko. He’s good-looking, you’ll give him that. He carries himself with a subtle swagger, an easy confidence. You think to yourself that he strikes you as someone who cares if they look cool, but before you can fully complete that thought you watch him greet Kiko with a giant, gummy smile and that thought goes right out the window. 

“Hi,” he says to her, somewhat shyly, and you’re suddenly wanting to drag her ass out to shop for a wedding dress. 

“Hey,” she says, smiling back, a flush on her cheeks almost instantly. 

Oh, my god, these two clowns are goners, you think.

Kiko follows Yoongi out of the kitchen, leaving you alone with Bridget and Seokjin. 

“So, they’re head over heels in love with each other,” Bridget says to you, and you shoot a quick glance at Jin, not sure how Kiko would feel about you discussing it in front of him.

“It’s cool,” he says, holding up his hands. “It’s hard not to know if you live here. They’ve been doing this all week.”

“Have you ever heard his music?” you ask, oddly curious. “Is it good?”

Jin nods enthusiastically. “Yeah, it actually is pretty good. I’ll send Bee his soundcloud link and she can share it with you if you’re interested?”

“Could you do that, Bee?” you tease. She chucks a potato chip at you and it bounces off your shoulder before skittering under the kitchen table. You grin at her and make your way back into the living room.

Taehyung and his girl are on the couch with the girl you don’t know; he’s got his arm draped over her shoulders and she leans against him, her legs tucked up next to her. Yoongi and Kiko are on the other couch, heads bent together as they both look at something on Yoongi’s phone. You sit by them gingerly, angling your body to get them as much space as you can. Bridget ambles in from the kitchen and plops between you and them, leaning against you and nestling in. You pet the top of her head affectionately and try not to look at the other couch as Seokjin picks up the remote and starts setting the movie up.

As the movie starts, you struggle to focus. Your mind is a whir, and feelings are being felt, and you feel like what you need most right now is to organize your head a little bit and put the situation into perspective. 

Yes, things with Taehyung have felt… a little like something could be starting there. Yes, you were hoping you’d get to talk to him a lot tonight; if you were being honest, you’d kind of hoped you’d sit by him for the movie, before you knew he had a girl with him. 

But nothing was going on with you and Taehyung yet - he’s been nice to you a few times, and you’d felt like there was some chemistry there. That’s all. He doesn’t owe you a single thing, and you have no right to feel jealous. 

Bridget nudges you gently with her elbow and cocks her head at Kiko and Yoongi, pulling you out of your head. You follow her gaze to see that the new “couple” are holding hands. You smile and start to turn back towards the tv. As you move your gaze from the other side of the couch to the tv on the wall, you notice that Taehyung isn’t looking at the tv either - he’s looking at you.

You meet his eyes for a split second, too quick to read anything, and turn determinedly to face the tv. You will yourself not to look away, despite not following the plot at all.

About halfway through the movie, Yoongi gets up and heads into the kitchen, but instead of returning to the couch he heads to the basement door and down the stairs that you’d fallen down last time you were in this house. Kiko lets another five minutes pass and does the same.

You text the groupchat - titled Roomies 💕- “u think ur slick, huh?” and she sends you back a kissy face. Bridget taps back a “haha” on your message, shooting a smirk at you from her side of the couch, where she’s spread out now that Kiko and Yoongi vacated their spot.

You have barely any idea what’s happening in the movie - characters are fighting, someone is crying, you don’t know why - and your cup is empty, so you rise and head towards the kitchen. You stop behind your couch, leaning over the top of it to ask Bridget if she needs anything from the kitchen. 

“Ooh,” she says, reaching down to the floor to retrieve her empty cup from near Jungkook’s foot. “Yes, please.”

You take her cup and head into the kitchen, where you mix her another healthy serving of vodka cranberry. As you pour yourself some soda, you hear footsteps behind you, and you glance over your shoulder. It’s Taehyung, and you get a little bit of deja-vu from when he followed you into the kitchen at Jin’s last party.

“Hey,” you say, turning back to what you’re doing. “Am I in your way?”

“No,” he says slowly. “Y/N… are you mad at me? Did I do something wrong?”

You turn to look at him, surprised. “What? Of course not.”

“You haven’t talked to me all night,” he points out. “You won’t even look at me.”

You feel frustrated suddenly, and you can’t put your finger on why. “I’m trying not to mess things up for you!” you say defensively. “How do you think it would look to your girl if I did all that? I’ve dropped guys for less.”

He scoffs. “She’s not my girl. We aren’t - ugh! That’s… not what that is. It’s really not.”

You shrug. “It’s not my business, Taehyung.”

“That’s your favorite line, huh?” he challenges, crossing his arms. It’s your first time seeing him in a t-shirt instead of a hoodie or sweatshirt, and you can see that the scar, thick and textured, starts at his hand and ends very nearly at his elbow. You keep your eyes on his face, feeling defensive and a little angry.

“It is when it’s true,” you say evenly.

“I’m not sleeping with Leslie, Y/N,” he says, very seriously, like he needs you to hear him. It’s so straightforward, so point-blank, you have no idea how to respond to that. You blink at him.

Jesus.

“Good for you. I don’t know why you feel the need to tell me that,” you admit.

“Based on how you’ve acted all night, apparently I do need to tell you that!” he explodes, and you both glance out to the living room to see if you’ve been overheard. 

“You don’t,” you shake your head. “There’s nothing going on with you two? Great. There’s nothing going on with us, either. I don’t care what you do.”

This line hits him like a slap - you watch him physically recoil from it. His mouth drops open a little bit, and he closes it again, looking away.

“Cool,” he says, his voice suddenly very low and very flat. “Glad we sorted that out.”

He turns and stalks out of the kitchen, leaving you standing there, unsure what just happened. 

–

You and Bridget walk home around one in the morning, after confirming via text that Kiko is under no circumstances going to walk back to campus alone later - since she’s still sequestered in Yoongi’s basement lair, doing god-knows-what. 

You don’t say goodbye to Taehyung. You fill Bridget in as you walk; you feel worse now than when you saw that girl enter the kitchen. 

“Whatever,” you say bitterly, as you finish the story. “It’s not like I actually lost anything.”

Bridget glances sideways at you through the dark but says nothing - unlike her. She reaches over and takes your hand, and you walk like that until your four-story dorm building looms ahead of you.

Next

:) :) :) I would say sorry but I don't like liars.

Anyway, thank you for being here! I appreciate every single interaction, whether it's a like, comment, DM, ask, or reblog!

A huge thank you as always to @kookstempo for being the entire reason that the Earth still turns and also for beta-ing!

#taehyung x reader #dailydaegu #taehyung fic #taehyung fanfic #s2l #taehyung angst #college au #f2l #bts fanfic #bts fic #taehyung smut #(but not in this chapter for full disclosure) #fic: what was hidden

[pruning-the-minds-garden]

After the Ecstasy, the…

[Note: this is about hypnokink and it is fictional, but it's not a piece of erotica. It is a story about the importance of aftercare and ongoing consent check-ins, both for the subject/hypnotee and for the hypnotist. Because it illustrates that importance through demonstrating the potential consequences, take care when reading if you have yourself experienced anything like that. It's not particularly intense, mostly just emotional drop and negative self-talk, but I recognize that can be damaging for some folk and best avoided. In this scenario the hypnotist is male and the hypnotee is female, but obviously that's not always the case, it's just the choice I've made for this piece.]

*** Prologue: The End of the Scene *** It was like a hundred scenes before, like so many Erin had read about online - on Literotica, on MCStories, on Tumblr, on ReadOnlyMind, or elsewhere - or simply fantasized about. Nothing terribly fancy, either. John had talked her down into a deep, pleasant, tingly, mindless trance; one where pleasure mingled with relaxation mingled with obedience mingled with arousal until they were an inseparable stew in her mind, each heightening the other.

She touched herself to the thoughts placed inside her needy mind, her fantasies blending with her reality until they, too, became inseparable. the imagined chains on her mind, restraining her and at once setting her free and setting her senses on fire made everything feel better, they allowed her mind to focus on the precise sensations and ideas that he desired, and no others. It allowed everything else to drop away. The laundry didn't matter. Finals didn't matter. Rent didn't matter. Student loans didn't matter. Dirty dishes didn't matter. And the more things didn't matter, the better the things that did matter felt in that moment of mindless bliss. The more she lost, the more her brain lost to the oblivion in between thoughts, the more she gained in sensation and pleasure and ecstasy.

It built and built and built and built. It was a sensation like no other. Yes, of course it was just masturbating. If someone saw her they'd say it was nothing special, but they didn't understand. It happened in her head, but didn't all sex, all pleasure, happen in your head when it came down to it? But, that was a thought, and she wasn't allowed those was she? No no, much better to simply focus on the pleasure… She gasped. She moaned. Words betrayed her. Everything went… … and then…

*** Chapter 1: Bottoms Up *** After the scene was over, something nagged at Erin. Something about it bothered her. Erin checked the chat log - WantToDropDeep: That trance was AMAZING thank you! You are really one of my favorite hypnotists! I really appreciate how deep you drop me and how good you make me feel! PenumbralTist: smile emoji Always happy to please. When do you want to trance next? WantToDropDeep: Am busy for the next few days. I'll let you know? PenumbralTist: Sure please do. Talk to you later!

- and that was it. "Did I do something wrong?" she thought. "Was he disappointed with me? He left really abruptly…" her mind contiunued. It was like the voices in her head, having been turned off for a little while, had built up a head of steam and were now working extra hard, talking to her even more loudly than normal. Something about that exchange, about the words he didn't say - had she done well? was she a good subject? did she meet his expectations? he kept coming back so she assumed so but he never said so, so… - got to her. She never had the chance to say because -

PenumbralTist is Offline *** Chapter 2: From the Top Down *** After the scene was over, something nagged at John. Something about it bothered him. John checked the chat log - WantToDropDeep: That trance was AMAZING thank you! I'd really like to do it again with you soon! PenumbralTist: smile emoji Always happy to please. I'm available tomorrow if you want to trance more. As we talked about, there are also some embedded conditions from that last trance that will linger, so check in with me and let me know how those work out. I want to make sure you are okay with everything. WantToDropDeep: Sure okay. … it had been eight hours since they'd talked, and sure she said she'd be busy but he had hoped for at least a minor check-in by now. That's alright, sometimes you had to take it upon yourself. He sent a message, even though Erin was Offline - PenumbralTist: Hey just checking in - how are things working out? … another eight hours after that, and still nothing. That nagging feeling ate at him more. He was glad to have made her feel good, but began to feel as though that's all he was to her - a verbal sex toy, a thing to be used and then discarded. Some men might find that appealing, but he didn't. Hypnosis was an intimate part of his sexuality, something he enjoyed sharing on many levels, and he thought of her as a friend. The thought she thought of him as something less than that was… … well, it was a thought he didn't want to think, but he was rarely the one doing the not-thinking in the equation. He stared at the chat screen again -

WantToDropDeep is Offline

#hypnokink #aftercare #dom drop #sub drop

[majesticlymortal]

Erin’s Six Month Reading Wrap Up (January - June 2022)

Books Finished: 85

Biggest Genre: Historical Romance

#erin’s reading log #books #books and literature #reading log #reading #book recs #children’s book #ya books #book recommendations #queer books #booklr #bookworm #bookshelf #reading list #erin’s thoughts #graphic novel #historical romance #fantasy fiction #fantasy #historical fiction #mystery books #romance books

[fledermoved]

Hey guys, I know it's not Shoutout Saturday or anything, but I just HAD to say something about @drive-pdfs-and-stuff.

Y'all, this blog is AMAZING. Not only are they a fellow bat-lover, but they also have a TON of resources on-hand, either reblogged from others or logged by themself.

Information about the problematic nature of the Erin Hunter team (which, it's fine to still like the concept of warrior cats, as I surely do, but it's good to be aware that the writing is.... not very good and I do not agree with the writers)

Customized art program brushes!

Art references!

Art books!

A google drive with TONS (and I do mean TONS) of absolutely stunning book series to read - I HIGHLY HIGHLY HIGHLY recommend checking out the Silverwing series ;; <3 It is my new bread and butter

A lot more!!

I owe my soul to this person. I mean, really. There's enough great content here to last a lifetime and I'm eternally grateful for it.

#ok to reblog #ooc #shoutout saturday #resource sunday

[pencopanko]

9 people you'd like to get to know better

Got tagged by a dear friend, @glitxd! Thankie uwu

Last song : "Rush" by Troye Sivan (I keep imagining Héctor, Óscar & Felipe, and even Julio--even though he is significantly shorter than everyone else--doing the choreography)

Favorite color(s) : Rose pink, red, black, white

Currently watching : PARKS AND REC!!!!! I AM FINALLY WATCHING PARKS AND REC

Last movie : Coco

Currently reading : "The Night Circus" by Erin Morgenstern, and "Macbeth" by William Shakespeare

Sweet/spicy/savory : All.

Relationship status : Single (crushing on someone rn)

Current obsession : Coco (if you have visited my blog in the past couple of days, you would have known by now that I am back on my Coco phase)

Last thing I googled : funko pop hector (pray for me so that I will have the money to buy it along with the Miguel Funko figure that has him strumming La Guitarra, surrounded by marigold petals)

Currently working on : Commissions (I am available for commissions!!), portfolio for an upcoming job application, and mostly trying to survive at the moment

Tagging : Because it has been such a long while since I logged on to this website and I miss my friends and I wanna get to know others here as well, I'm tagging @slusheeduck, @sweetiepie08, @im-fairly-whitty, @ciriparipa, @cadoized, @humanityinahandbag, @alreadyinmotion, @soopkreem, and @cursedskull-666

#still holding out for hope for an imelda funko pop pls I need her #tag meme #penco talks #yupyupyup #regardless of what people say some funko pops look cute actually #especially stitch #the stitch funkos are so cute and since stitch already has big eyes it's perfect

[wild-karrde]

I have to recommend Out of Our Element by @rexxdjarin for Fandom Friday. It’s literally everything Captain’s Log!Wolffe deserves, and it’s an incredible addition to the Captain’s Log series.

I am also absolutely in love with Julie’s OC, Zeeta. She’s sassy and fiery and tough, but she’s got such a tender side, too. She and Wolffe take each other for the rides of their lives and I am obsessed!!

YESSSSS I haven't read this yet, but I am HYPED for it. I have been EXCITEDLY AWAITING this fic since Julie first posted about Zeeta and the art of her was just STUNNING. I love how strong her OCs' personalities are and I cannot WAIT to see how Zeeta's personality plays out with Wolffe because that promises to be PERFECTION. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR SENDING THIS IN ERIN!

Participate in Fandom Friday to show your favorite creators from this week some love! :)

#FANDOM FRIDAY #creator appreciation #fic rec #fanfiction #fan fic #star wars #the clone wars #tcw #commander wolffe #commander wolffe x oc #commander wolffe x ofc #commander wolffe x original female character #nsft #lemon #lemony lemon #OC Zeeta #twi'lek OC

[majorbaby]

Most of the wips I was curious about got asked but there are a few more I want to know about if/whenever you feel like doing more: hotel california, What religion or reason, and sweet to the soul and health to the bones. lol I'm v 👀 about your take on beejhawk basically.

oh thanks!

hotel california is my BJ timeloop fic.

it's more BJ-centric than beejhawk, but it's in there.

he writes a captain's log to Peg every day, keeps missing her on the phone and just generally doesn't handle the timeloop well. at some point he kisses Hawkeye, out of boredom, madness or something else. Hawkeye reacts well to it, but the next day the loop repeats and Hawkeye forgets everything.

i like this as a metaphor for how whatever happens between them in the war is ephemeral, just a blip in his life that can never grow into anything substantial.

he's put-off by the fact that Hawkeye doesn't remember it the next day, it being such a significant moment for them when it happens - but why would Hawkeye remember it? so he's more snippy with Hawkeye than normal, and Hawkeye's like ?? what's your damage?? and eventually it becomes just a distant memory to BJ too, on one of the subsequent days. no excerpt because the doc is just a bunch of bullet points (i really want to plan this one well).

what religion or reason is my post apocalyptic AU!!! Trapper and Hawkeye are together but BJ looms large over their relationship. this was my way of creating conflict between Trapper and Hawkeye - BJ actually comes off surprisingly well in this one. Peg and Erin's fates are in unknown, but they're not with BJ anymore.

excerpt beneath the cut but just a warning it's first-person Trapper's POV and he refers to Hawkeye exclusively as "you", and i know that's very annoying for a lot of people. i could change it, but i'm a little married to it...

sweet to the soul and health to the bones is my abandoned beejhawk fic. abandoned because the planned ending is off-brand for me now. although yk, reading it back, it's got some useable stuff in it.

what religion or reason

It rains the next day. I wake with every intention of pulling on my slippers and spending a lazy hour worrying over the teakettle. 

You have something else in mind. “I want to go see BJ.”

Fucking 7 a.m. on a Sunday morning. “All right.” You retreat to ensuite and emerge fifteen minutes later looking heavenly. I dress without showering.

It’s a two hour drive into the city. You don’t mind. You’re bouncing in your seat with excitement like a little kid.

“I’m getting too old for this,” I let slip.

Your voice, temperate and patient comes from the side of me, “It’s important.” I nod to keep the peace.

Your good… friend. Let’s call him a ‘friend’ for now. Your good and friendly friend BJ Hunnicutt lives in the center of San Francisco, in a towering building that rises far above the mud and waste in the gutters. I have to park three blocks away to find a space that’s clear of rubble.

“You coming?”

“I should stay and watch the car,” I announce. You deflate, but not that much. Nothing’s gonna get you down today, not even the rain pattering loudly against the one raincoat we own. “Be careful?”

You nod and you’re gone, padding down the empty street. When you’re out of view I give into temptation and look upwards. Normally the dust in the air makes me too nauseous to look up at that angle, but on a day like this BJ’s building is surprisingly easy on the eyes, the highest point of it swallowed up by fog. 

I wonder if you’ve reached the elevator right now, and if it still chimes to announce its arrival. You’re probably dripping water on the marble floor. 

“Hi Beej,” you’ll say. 

He’s turning, smiling, his entire focus on you. I have the faintest feeling that you’re the only person BJ can see these days. If I were there he’d nod vaguely in my direction, but you’re the only one who can make him blink. You can make him come away from his window looking out over the city. You bring rose petals to his otherwise colourless face. You startle him. You’re the only person who calls him Beej anymore. 

“Hello, Hawk,” BJ responds, lips parted. 

I shut myself back in the car, slamming the door to try to talk myself through it before your return. But you always notice the change in me around BJ, even when I pointedly haven’t been around BJ. I can’t help it. I’m out of practice around people in general and I never got used to him. He makes me feel clumsy. So huge and awkward and stupid and unwelcome here. Things I’d never felt about myself in my life. 

I tell myself to blink because my eyes are beginning to sting. 

Heat rises to my face, shame or anger. Both. I’m angry that you left me in the car. I’m angry that you still want to see BJ, that some part of you still needs him. Meanwhile, I’ve left everything behind. All I have and am is you, and you’re up in BJ’s tower. Some part of me has gone with you.

***

sweet to the soul and health to the bones

He loves the way Hunnicut rolls off the tongue like a smooth, perfect marble. 

He never calls him that. Last-name-basis is military hierarchal bullshit or else college fraternity bullshit, and Hawkeye never quite fit into either scene.

Now BJ, Beej– another story altogether. Sometimes they talk about their college days and Hawkeye can see a flame ignite in BJ’s eyes just as he gets going on a story about me and the guys and he doesn’t seem to notice that Hawkeye’s laughter is cut in half. But still, he mostly opens the door on the subject for BJ, because Hawkeye knows it calls to mind better times, and maybe they can make a few fond memories in this place. 

Inside, he’s a little jealous, not of the warmth BJ obviously still has for his old friends, but that they got to become friends back home before all this. Many nights he wonders what it might’ve been like to know BJ before the war, before those friends and, guiltily, before his wife.

#sorry this took so long! #happy to chat more on my beejhawk takes w/ you sometime #wip stuff #ask game