#god. i am the only person in this goddamn planet doing content for this two what the fuck like

[kinos-fortress-2]

what does one unfinished fic from like 2022 of a very rareshipp does a to a mf

and also a trashy playlist that got me in my own feelings...

#i know i know i said that the watercolor version was gonna be scrapped but eh i did like it at the end #but the lineart one is more err... better i think is better without colors imo #piss mauling #sniperpauling #miss pauling #sniper #tf2 #team fortress 2 #purple heat #dear creator of the fic if youre reading this PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE FOR THE LOVE GOD I AM BEGGING TO CONTINUE IT PKZ #I HAVE BEEN READING THIS THING FOR THE PAST FEW DAYS I AM OBSESSED RE READING IT IS SO GOOD THE WRITING IS GOOD PLS #anyways ahem... i dont even like reading fanfics but this one. is like i have found the true meaning of love #and i will ofc do more art for this fic bc i am obsessed hahaha i AM CRAZY CRAZY CRAZY #oh yeah and the playlist that i made eeeek... is not like in character or anything maybe nobody is gonna like it bc is full of... kpoopy bu #but the songs are not random i swear they made sense i swear they made sense for them believe me plz #god. i am the only person in this goddamn planet doing content for this two what the fuck like #kino art

[mrsmaybank]

My Little Sun - Reid x Reader

“Ridiculously perfect.” I held her tighter as she looked up at me and our eyes locked, “I’ve fallen ridiculously in love with you.” “So my evil plan worked then?” She chirped.

CONTENT WARNINGS: AGE GAP, VIOLENCE, KIDNAPPING, PREGNANCY, STALKING, LANGUAGE probably the misuse of a Russian word  IF THERES MORE LMK 

A/N: Okay, let me be honest rq this idea lowk scared me but the words really just fell out of my brain really easily so, yk fuck it whatever.  ANYWAY, if you like, please let me know! 

pt 2, pt 3 “I love you Spencer.” The words immediately melted me. 

“I know so many things.” She gave me an unapproving look. 

“I don’t mean to sound cocky, but I do! Now for once in your life, listen to me.” She nodded her head in concession.

“I’ve just read more, I’ve written more, I’ve discovered and studied more than the average person. I could tell you a little bit about anything with one hundred percent certainty. I could--and want--to tell you the names of all the stars, I could recite verbatim the entirety of Prometheus Bound by Aeschylus or Dostoevsky’s The Brothers Karamazov, which you know, speaking of I will ‘cause I still can’t believe you haven’t read it,” Her smile flattened into a straight line, and I laughed. “Orrr, I could also tell you something simple, like why we get the hiccups.” I shook my head. 

“Regardless, I know so many things and I’m rarely taken by surprise because of it. Everything in life is a pattern of change, and as a human, we will always adjust and adapt to whatever situation we are in. For better or worse, we don’t feel the same thing for very long. This is why an addict takes a couple more every time, a sadist hits his second victim harder than the first, they’re searching for the high of the first time, and it will never come.”

She nodded in understanding, 

 “I know this is true, it’s factual, and yet every time I look at you it feels like the first. You’ve broken the laws of human psychology.” 

“First time you saw me was at a gas station Spencer.” 

“No. The first time I looked at you after I knew I loved you.” 

“Where were we?” 

“My car. You were dancing. You looked ridiculous.” 

“Ridiculously sexy? You mean?” She smiled. 

“Ridiculously perfect.” I held her tighter as she looked up at me and our eyes locked, “I’ve fallen ridiculously in love with you.” 

“So my evil plan worked then?” She chirped.

“It did indeed. You’ve become my solnyshko moyo.”

“Tell me that’s Russian dirty talk.” She said with a grin. 

“It’s better. It’s a term of endearment you’ve become the epitome of.” 

“And what’s that Dr. Reid?” she giggled. 

“My little sun. You’ve become my little sun. Following me around and bringing light and warmth.” She snuggled herself impossibly closer into my chest, wrapping one of her legs over mine. 

“Except for your feet!” I shrieked at her freezing toes meeting mine. 

“They’re not that cold you big baby!” she shouted. 

I laughed and kissed her sweetly, “I am not the baby here.” I said.  

“Please,” she started until I interrupted her with a kiss, “If you’re not the baby,” I kissed her again, “That implies I’M the baby,” Kiss, “And I’m not a” Kiss. 

“Shush baby.” I told her, but like always, she didn’t listen, instead sitting up to straddle me. My appreciation for her beauty was like how a prisoner appreciates freedom, and yet it was miniscule into what I found in her character. It blew my mind that a girl so perfect existed. 

“Rarely do great virtue and beauty dwell together. Francesco Petrarch.” I started, my hands making their way onto her hips, “That makes you a rarity.” 

“You’re spoiling me with nice words today Spencer.” “You’ve spoiled me. My frontal lobe is spoiled milk.” She laughed, wondering how I was going to manage to make this one romantic. 

“That’s the part of the brain responsible for sensibility and logical thinking, and you, little girl, have positively ruined it. You make me stupid.”

“I ruined the genius Dr. Reid with the 187 IQ? Makes sense. I’m like, way smarter.” 

“You are. So, so much smarter.” 

“I want that in writing.” she poked my chest. 

I pulled her down and kissed her forehead to whisper in her ear. “Not a chance.”

She pushed herself away and rolled her eyes at me like a bratty child does her nanny, and I continued, “ You’re smarter, but I’m more educated. I have more doctorates than you have years in university.” 

“Whatever…”

I brushed the hair away from her perfect face, “You tired baby?” 

She sighed and laid down, splaying herself on my chest, laying on me like I was the duvet. “Very.” 

I held her impossibly close, breathing in her scent and counting every time her heart thumped, her bpm said she was relaxed. Oh god, I wanted her like this forever. Relaxed in my arms, where nothing could touch us but each other. 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Must you work?” I sent the message to Spencer as I rolled over to his side of the bed in anticipation. I breathed in heavy, liking the way the pillow smelled like his laundry.

“Unfortunately.”  he responded. “Think you’ll be home this weekend?” 

“It’s not looking like it, little one. I’m sorry.” 

I didn’t reply. I was too sad to reply. I knew it’d make him feel guilty, which I didn’t want to do, cause like, his job and saving people and shit is important. But, it still wasn’t fair! At all. There was something very important I had to tell him. 

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Total darkness, and then way too much light. My head hurt and I couldn’t move. I was handcuffed to a wooden chair. There were chains around my torso and ankles. The room was a medical sort of bright. It smelled like bleach and rotting fruit. The walls were dilapidated, seeming to be made of tiles that were once white, but have turned yellow. 

What the FUCK? 

“Hello!” I shouted. My voice was so coarse it hurt. Shit. My head pulsed so badly it practically hurt to think, but I still racked my brain. 

Where am I? 

How’d I get here? 

Why am I here? 

I woke up again. Fuck, why can’t I think? Why can’t I do anything? 

“Hey, y/n.” A woman’s voice. A very stoic, cold, sounding female voice.

I’m not alone. Thank god, oh my god, I’m not alone. 

With the little strength I had, I lifted my head to see her. She wasn’t what I thought. She was alright, she wasn’t tied. She did this to me? 

She took a sip from her silver flask, “Do you know who I am?” 

I shook my head. “No.” 

“Typical.” She stood up and grabbed me by the hair, “You fucking disgust me.” Like, she said, she threw my hair away like it disgusted her. 

She sat back down on the bench in front of the chair I was chained to, “My name is Brook Austen. I was a professor at Georgetown last year. Taught a couple seminars at your school, that little university you go to, the students there were nothing like mine. Not nearly as intelligent, but as expected, Georgetown is much more prestigious, obviously.”

I was confused, and she knew, but did not care. 

“You’re not the brightest, y/n. Only slightly above average high school grades, strikingly mediocre academic performance now.”

Where the hell is she going with this? 

“And you know it doesn’t surprise me, per say, because every man on this goddamn planet is a piece of fucking shit! But I thought that, maybe, just maybe, Spencer was different.” 

She grimaced, “I thought he’d want more than just a pretty face! ‘Cause you might be prettier y/n, but I’m smarter.” Her words were laced with utter hatred. 

Her demeanor changed, and it almost started to seem like she was talking to herself. “I'm older. I’m more successful. I’m fucking better.” 

She approached me again, grabbing my face so I was looking her in those scarily light green eyes, and she wrapped her hands around my throat.  “I’m fucking better then you! Better, better, better!” Every time she said better she shook my neck and gripped tighter so I couldn’t breathe. 

“Stop! Please! Please stop!” I shouted, “I’m-I’m pregnant!” 

She began to break down, “You’re pregnant?” A maniacal chuckle left her throat, “You’re pregnant?”  

“Is it Spencer’s?” she asked. 

I nodded. 

“Wow.” She laughed once more, “Fucking wow.” 

“How could Spencer choose this!? You’re nothing like him. You are a pathetic fucking college student. A fucking daddy issue ridden slut! I’m a celebrated academic, just like him!” Tears began to slip from her eyes, “How could he not choose me?”

This woman is NOT well in the head. 

“You--you like Spencer?” I asked. 

“You don’t get to ask the fuckin’ questions here.” She pulled a knife out of her pocket and held it to the tip of my chin, “I do. So you’re gonna answer them.” Or, she started manically laughing, “I’ll kill you.” She swallowed, “And your baby.” 

I screamed at those words, “No,” I sobbed, “NO!” 

I turned my head away so I didn’t have to look at the woman in front of me, there was a timed red dot blinking. A camera. 

“Is that-- is that a camera?” 

She nodded, “I want Spencer to see you and his child die.” 

“He….No! No, please, No!” I choked on a sob and she smiled. 

“He doesn’t know.” She paced, “He doesn’t even fucking know!” 

She waltzed over to the camera and brought it closer to us, “Hey Spencer.” She began waving, “Hey Penelope. Aaron. Derek. Jennifer. Emily.” 

Her demeanor changed once more, into that of a cheerleader of all things, “So, quick recap.” Brook pursed her lips, “Spencer your twenty three year old fucktoy is pregnant. Congrats!” 

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Y/N was two things I didn’t know she was this morning: In serious danger, and the mother of my expected child. I felt frozen in trepidation. 

We all watched in horror as Brook greeted us. All by first name. She knew exactly what she was doing and it freaked me out even more. 

“Reid, you need to step out.” Hotch grabbed my shoulder, “Now.” 

I was sick with fear and ill with rage. I sat down because I could feel my knees go weak. Hotch started again, “We know who she is. We will find her. Y/N will be alright.” He paused, “So will the baby.” 

I replayed the events of the live footage in my head, her screams of pain and terror, her trembles and confusion. I’d failed her. I’d failed her and now I knew I’d also failed our child. 

JJ sat down next to me, “Spencer, when did you meet Brook?” 

“I uh,” I wiped my face, “A year and four months ago. I did uh, I taught uh, I taught a string of seminars at Georgetown. It was biweekly. Her office was next to mine. We spoke for the first time when she offered me a coffee.” 

“What did you say?” 

“What do you think I said?” 

“Yes.” 

“Yeah, I said yeah, I fucking like coffee.” I felt instantaneously guilty for cursing, and especially at JJ but I was too frazzled for it to last long enough to apologize. 

“I know Spence, I’m sorry. Just keep going.” 

“Then, the next week, we got lunch together.” 

“Was it, you know, friendly?” 

“What are you implying Jennifer?” I snapped. 

“No Spence, we just need to know. You know that.” 

“It was-- it was just lunch. A very normal colleague to colleague lunch. We talked about the school’s history. And uh, where we grew up. It was small talk.” 

“Ok, was this the last time you spoke to her?” 

“No. There was one more time. Y/N was there.” 

“Tell me about it Spence.” She grabbed my hand, 

I breathed out, “It was the next week I taught after lunch. About two hours before my class. I was lesson planning, and Y/N was doing homework on my desk. She came in. She asked if I wanted to go get lunch. She saw y/n and--Fuck.” 

“What Spence? What?” 

“She asked me who she was, but it was like, she didn’t want y/n to know she was asking. She thought she was…”

“She thought she was what?” 

“A student.” 

“And what did you tell her?”  

“The truth. That she was my girlfriend.” 

“Did you see her anywhere else after that?”

“No. She never came by my office again. When I would see her by chance, she would scurry away. It was strange.” 

“Think really hard Spence. Did you ever see her again after you stopped teaching at Georgetown.”

I racked my brain, “Yeah. I did. It was two months ago. Three days after I proposed to y/n. She was getting a coffee at this coffee shop by y/n’s school.. I was bringing her some lunch” 

“Spencer she's been stalking you. Your proposal was the stressor.” 

“But--I’m a profiler. I would’ve noticed.” I stood up with a realization.            “What Spence?” JJ asked, standing up as well to look at me. 

“She’s been stalking her, not me. She knew I was a part of the BAU, she knew I would’ve noticed.” 

“I’ll tell the team.” 

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A/N2:  If this doesn’t totally flop, I’ll write PT 2, that elaborates on the reader’s and Spencer’s relationship. I think through flashbacks from both Y/N and Spencer would be a cool way to explore their relationship and of course the whole reader being kidnapped thing plot could develop. Again, if you enjoyed this pls let me know!!

#spencer reid fanfiction #Spencerreid #dr spencer reid #spencer reid x reader #spencer x y/n #spencer reid #drspencerreid #reid x #Criminal Minds Reid #reid criminal minds #spencer x reader #spencer reid smut #spencer reid angst #mgg #mgg x reader #reid x you #spencer reid x you #spencer reid x reader sm #spencer reid x reader angst #reid x reader fluff #Criminal Minds Fanfiction #criminal minds angst

[bi-dazai]

okay while we're on the subject of eating healthy and exercising, I want to vent/talk about weight loss. This is gonna be a rly controversial, very personal and extremely long post but I do want to make a point. I'm not going to discuss every fucking nuance of haes or my EDs. But for clarity, know that my eds are complicated and were mostly osfeds - minor anorexia osfed in high school and bed osfed when I was 18-19. after i realised how fat i was the minor anorexia came back and over the pandemic it became full scale anorexia nervosa.

I'm 5'3. The healthy weight range I should be in is in the high 40s-low 50s. I went up to TWICE that by the time I was just nineteen years old. It wasn't fun being fat. I consumed as much fat acceptance, fat activism content as I could, I pretended I was confident and happy even when I was fat. But I wasn't. Because people don't just get obese accidentally. A little overweight, yes. But obese? No. You get obese from depression, from giving up. You don't want to move so you don't. You're sad all the time, and the body positivity circles say eat comfort food, whatever and as much as it makes you feel better!! Do you know what that is? That's encouragement of BED. Do not say that. Because I did that. I ate sugar and junk food, I was still depressed.

I was reading these posts that were claiming fat people shouldn't be weighed at the doctor, that your weight shouldn't count, that BMI is incorrect and doesn't matter, etc etc. There were posts saying that they got "perfect bloodwork" (what even is that? I knew that was wrong, I've had chronic iron deficiency for a decade!) even though they were fat, so they had to be healthy, right? I got shown pictures of obese ballerinas and obese weightlifters blah blah blah. And I grew and grew, and I got to almost 85kg on the fast track to 100kg before reality smacked me in the face and I realised I was shortening my lifespan by decades.

Here's what it was like being obese!

- joint pain, constantly

- could barely walk anywhere without feeling out of breath

- couldn't find any fashionable, good quality clothes (plus size stores either carry unfashionable clothing, or fashionable but cheap quality clothing. I don't like to waste money on cheap clothes)

- more acne than I'd had in years

- oily skin

- more difficulty feeling "full"

- JOINT FUCKING PAIN

- rashes from skin rubbing against skin!

- even larger chest, making me MORE dysphoric

- back pain!!

- snoring - this is not just embarrassing. This is potentially deadly.

- DYSPHORIA

- KNEES. JOINT PAIN.

- DYSPHORIA

this was just things I felt physically, noticeably! The things that my fat was doing on the inside was even worse. Fat isn't just this layer of packing peanuts that appears on top of you. It coats your organs. It gets everywhere. It makes your entire body run worse.

Fat also makes it much more likely for you to not just GET cancer, but it it also makes it harder to FIGHT cancer. Being obese makes almost every single goddamn sickness on the planet worse because when you have THAT MUCH fat tissue the hormones and shit it secretes fucks EVERYTHING up.

Yes there are obese bodybuilders. Yes there are obese ballerinas. Let's talk about those two.

There are plenty of drs and dieticians who have pointed out the obvious - if an obese person was really, actually eating healthily and exercising every day, they would not stay obese forever. Its not magic, it's thermodynamics. CICO done right works for everyone. If you are eating healthy, appropriate portions for weight loss at your TDEE and exercising it would literally be IMPOSSIBLE for you not to lose weight!! Even more the heavier you are because when you exercise you carry around a lot more weight.

Obese weightlifters are still obese. They are not proof you can be obese and healthy. They are still going to die younger if they do not lose weight.

Let's talk about fat ballerinas. The only ones I've seen are trainee ballerinas, not professional ones. And their performance looks impressive at first, until you look closer. You notice their balance is never quite perfect, their control can be amazing and the best ever but they'll still be off. Why? Because fat moves around with your movement, and it displaces your balance and your line of movement. It's simply not possible to do something like ballet dancing as a fat person without risking major injury as well. En pointe is already stupid dangerous for the skinniest ballerina. Going en pointe at anything above 60kg is going to get progressively suckier the heavier you go. And god help your ankles because falling down will always end in a major injury.

I'm so fucking done with "fat acceptance". I'm tired of "body positivity" being a movement about obese middle-upper class white women and not about scars and disabilities etc like it was focused on in the start. I have no problems with Health at Every Size - every person should feel happy to workout, to eat healthy. I have no problem raising issue with people bullying others for their weight as well. That's wrong. But pretending that it's Healthy at Every Size is a fucking lie, and it's one that could've sentenced me to an early death. Healthy at Every Size said I was condemned to joint pain and oily skin and depression and exhaustion for the rest of my life based on cherrypicked sentences from studies that didn't agree with them. That "95% of diets fail" sentence in particular drives me up the wall. You don't need a diet to lose weight, you need healthy CICO, you need to eat below your TDEE, you need to eat healthy, and you need to exercise. All you have to do at first is go on a 10-20 minute walk, whatever pace you like, a few times a week.

You can BE fit, you CAN lose weight! You are not sentenced to having joint pain and an increased risk for cancer and a less effective COVID vaccine for life. You can change your body in incredibly ways. You have no idea what you are capable of.

There's this myth that weight loss takes keto and shakes and diet pills and crash diets etc. It doesn't. All it is is making sure you eat less than your TDEE, eating HEALTHY calories, and getting your heartrate up by exercising at least 175 minutes a week.

The human body is not meant to be obese. There's no such thing as a set point weight. There's CICO, there's nutrition, there's making sure your muscles dont atrophy. Weight loss and fitness isn't some magic thing that youre just born able to do. I was lazy throughout my entire teens. I thought fitness was something the popular girls did. It's not. It's for everyone. and everyone, especially in places with an obesity epidemic such as the US, UK, and Australia, should make use of it. It's a good thing. Walking is one of the best things you can do for your body, and it's incredibly rewarding in every way. Eating healthy and not eating until you feel like you're going to burst is rewarding in every way. And it's not like you can't ever have junk food again, you just have to limit it to a treat, a once or twice per week thing. And honestly, it makes it much more enjoyable that way.

Now I want to talk a little about my anorexia. My weight loss journey came to anorexia. This is because it was an eating disorder I'd had for a long time. I did not see a trainer or dietician, and I consciously decided to push myself too far. I consciously decide to eat less and exercise more when I am starving. This is not something that just happens because someone is eating at 1200cals. It happens because you have an eating disorder which you are born with. Saying people who eat 1200cals of healthy food a day and exercise right are "anorexic" is so fucking insulting to everyone involved. It's ableist and ignorant. 1200cals is also a pretty generous amount for anorexic ppl to eat. That's close to a binge in ED standards, so that should give you a reference for how offbase saying 1200cals is "anorexic" is.

My anorexia is healthy habits pushed into eating disorder territory. I eat healthy, yes, but I don't eat enough. I exercise, yes, but I often push myself too far when I'm already lacking energy. The advice I give people for health is correct, and I'm never going to go around saying "eat less than 1200cals" as weightloss advice. Eat less, sure, but there's a limit. Calorie counting is a good thing to do, tracking your macros and nutrients is good. But I do it too much.

I know what's healthy, a lot of ppl with restrictive and purgative EDs do. People with EDs can give some awesome health advice, we just can't follow it because we have a mental disorder. Believe it or not people with EDs discussing their EDs are not "pro-ana", pointing out that anorexia and people with anorexia are real and not some boogeyman you use to justify not losing weight and eating healthy is not pro-ana. Anorexia existing is not pro-ana and anorexics being anorexic has nothing to do with fatphobia.

this post is a rambling mess but i rly had to get some stuff clear on how I feel abt this stuff because it's getting concerning how much unhealthy shit, and then straight up ableist shit, that the fat acceptance crowd spews out.

A little exercise won't kill you, eating healthy won't kill you. You are not sentenced to ugly plus size fashion and joint pain and being out of breath for the rest of your life. Leave the Healthy at Every Size death cult and join the Health at Every Size movement. Let the doctor take your weight (it IS medically necessary). acknowledge that you are obese and it is affecting your health. It's scary but it can be the start of a new, healthy beginning. It was for me.

Losing 15kg has been the best thing in my life. Sure, the anorexia is there enjoying it for one reason. But the reason I truly enjoy it is because I've discovered what a healthier body feels like. I've discovered the joys of exercise, I've discovered the joys of eating healthy. I can fit nice clothes now. And I'm still overweight! I'm 66kg, that's 4kg away from the barest minimum acceptable healthy bmi. But I feel so so much better. I look better. I have a jawline! Good skin! Energy! It didn't fix me but it sure made me a hell of a lot better.

Please please try and eat healthy, eat an appropriate amount, go for walks. It's so so good, and if you do it right you WILL lose weight. You'll live past 50. You'll get to explore the world in a way you couldn't when going up stairs had you out of breath. You'll fit into that nice skirt you've been looking at. Your skin will clear up. You'll have energy and your mental health will improve.

It's so so fucking worth it to put effort into your health, like I cannot emphasise this enough. Please do it, I wish I could tell myself this when I was binging on junk because the FA crowd told me it was valid to comfort eat until I hurt.

#long post #this is mostly a vent but yeah #basically my decision is that im not touching any fat activism fatphobia etc with a ten foot pole #esp on this blog except to discuss my personal experience with it ie this post #personal #ok to rb #sorry for not putting it under a readmore im on mobile

[cruddyborderlandstheories]

I mentioned the cut line about Timothy's placeholder actor talking about a brother and a Vault Key in the tags on another post recently and now I can't stop thinking about it because the line itself + the person saying it just didn't sit right with me since I found it so. Here's a thing I wrote up to make sense of it in my Swiss cheese platter of a brain

Here's Timothy's (and Jack's) placeholder actor talking about a Vault Key and someone's brother

"For losing control of your brother when we had him locked down? Yeah, we're square. But last I checked, you still owe us a Vault Key."

And here's his placeholder actor saying some other lines that are actually from the dlc so ya know I'm not joshing u abt this being Timothy's placeholder guy

So anyway I was thinking about who Timothy's actually talking to who has a brother, right?

Naoko Katagawa maybe? I can't imagine Tyreen would wanna listen to Timothy. Maybe someone in the casino dlc was supposed to have a brother. He could be talking to Aurelia, but then he'd have to be on the side of the villains, no?

Yeah so um.

My theory is that this is actually Troy's line and a different placeholder actor was used for him here. Then it makes sense why he's telling this mystery character that a) mystery person has their brother locked down (Hammerlock in the Anvil? Weird way to say he's imprisoned, buuut it's what fits) and b) they owe the speaker a Vault Key (Aurelia does indeed owe them a Vault Key during Eden-6).

The biggest thing against this is that Troy's placeholder sounds way different to me.

For example, here's a line from Troy talking about Tannis to the Vault Hunters:

Maybe I'm as bad with voices as I am with faces, but this sounds different to me. This will be so hilarious if everyone is like "cruddy. Bro. Those are the same guy." like I'm sorry!!! I'm bad at this lol

It could be that they just had whoever was available recording lines when they were introduced so they could fit them in on time- we know the casino dlc was already in development before the game shipped, so maybe they just grabbed Timmy's VA to do a quick line or two for Troy until they could get Troy's VA in. It is funny to me that (if this is the case) Timothy's was the one chosen for it, cuz he even says the line the way Timtam would. Meanwhile, you can hear Troy's placeholder guy absolutely Going For It in his lines and being sassy as hell. But maybe Timothy's placeholder was the only one available at the time.

All THAT said I'll still hold that saying "losing control of your brother when we had him locked down" is an extremely weird way to say he was broken out of prison by his friends. It sounds less like a "dammit you lost the brother we kidnapped" and more "this powerful person escaped our trap and we're fucked now" and I mean if this were H2O AU and Hammylocks was a werewolf in canon I'd be all over this, but he's not?? And that's why I originally thought this line was directed at someone like Naoko or Tyreen, who DO have powerful brothers that warrant keeping them under control and 'locked down'. Not that Hammerlock isn't strong in his own right, he's a badass hunter, but. You know what I'm saying? Compared to other characters featured in the story, he's not so scarily strong.

Maybe I'm reading into it wrong, I tend to do that frequently lol. If I'm right though and this is a weird way to express what happened in-game, then I think it makes sense why this line didn't click for me.

It is fun to try and figure out what goes on behind the scenes of this game. I'm really excited for the cut content stuff. I hope we finally get an explanation for those Evil Tyreen and Evil Troy portraits and the whole story where Troy flips out after Tyreen either gets hurt or dies and demands the cameras be shut off. And Scooper!!!! I want Scooper, he's so fuckin cute and he had a quest with a bully and 😭. Also the Eridian Gates, those seemed so goddamn cool.

I'd also love answers as to why a Guardian started talking and why Lilith asked us if we heard that after we killed Tyreen in the subtitle files. I assume that was gonna be a tie-in to the Overseer (same voice actress for the mystery Guardian line from the Vault of the Destroyer and the Overseer) with her trials since she and that whole situation is obviously very important to the lore if the Guardian Takedown had anything to say about it, but they went with the other method of finding each area? Which is fine, just a bit confusing cuz it does then make the Trials feel like side content when they appear to be main-story stuff.

And why originally Ava was supposed to ask Lilith to teleport them for noodles on Athenas instead of Lilith just yeeting Elpis across the galaxy!!!! Like I'm 90% sure the original ending had Lilith sticking around after she gets her powers back. And she was totally supposed to join us in the final fight against Tyreen, there's no reason she was suddenly holding her stomach and limping in that final cutscene. Plus her voice lines there, PLUS the Sanctuary drop pod right next to the vending machines. Also you can find Boom Town right above the portal to the Vault of the Destroyer if you noclip out of the area and that was probably there because Tina, Brick, and Mordy were also going to join us. I found their fightin/encouragement lines in the subtitle files.

Oh, also, I'd love to know more about the Bug Smugglers TV show. Annnnd the Second Stars cuz I love them. And can we see some Junpai-7 content pls 👀 it's mentioned soooo often between Commander Lily and BL3 that I wanna believe it was planned at least a little bit. Beach resort planet hoooooo! God imagine if we get to see Krieg and Maya together on Skywell-27 with like concept art or original scripts or something. I'd genuinely cry.

#Cruddy rambles #Borderlands #I'm just so here for cut content #I'd love to know everything about these games

[disaster-bay-leaf]

Ok so these were the cutest~ (ㆁωㆁ)

4, 6, 7, 9, 12, 19, 22, 23, 28, 33, 34, 46, 47, 52, 59, 60, 63, 66, 83, 87, 88, 93, 99

I kno I listed like....all of them lmao but feel free to answer whichever you want and ofc you can ask me in return Baybe ( ◜‿◝ )♡

uHUHUHUHU much content for me to answer, im happy bebe 💜💜💜✨

4 - how do you take your coffee/tea?

hm coffee either Very Black No Sugar (for the sleep deprived me) or iced latte three sugars and theres no in between

and as for tea its All Black Teas That Exist, cinnamon-flavoured especially (but basically all teas that come to mind when u think “autumn”), and rooibos!!! okay basically the only oke i dont like is any type of green tea (which is sad because they look cool but my tastebuds said ✨no✨)

6 - do you keep plants?

honestly id l o v e too because i love plants but,,, im kinda horrible at taking care of them though still way better than the majority of my family (research helps) so the only plant i own is kinda a small-palm-tree-looking thing in a bigass glass jar that i saved from my mother’s plant-destructing hands and its mostly doing well (the ends of its leaves are starting to be yellow tho and im worried:((( )

7 - do you name your plants?

yes!!! though the current one was named by my sister and its called “pickett” after fantastic beasts shsjjsj

9 - do you like singing/humming to yourself?

oh god oh dude you have n o idea

i have absolutely n o singing voice but its something i do constantly to give my brain the right amount of stimuli so basically i listen to music 24/7 and hum to myself 99% of that time

12 - whats your favourite planet?

oh i actually didnt think about this for so long but either pluto (hes a planet screw nasa) or saturn (RINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) or venus (girls,,,and libra,,,)

19 - do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw in it?

okay im gonna be completely honest with yall and say that my every single try at keeping a journal failed spectacularly and i lost motivation after like a few months so my only journals rn are my fancy fake-leather-bound calendar to note tests and assessments into, a kinda roughed up notebook that i uses for noting down poems or scribbling or passing notes in class, and a kinda fancy bullet journal notebook that i used as a book of shadows for a while but since my fountain pen died i didnt touch it

22 - are you a morning person?

n o

i am so not a morning person but i wish i could be because honestly dawns are beautiful

but as it is rn im either sleep deprived all the time and loathe every second of being in an awake state or (if i have a few days of schoolbreak) my biological clock moves forward a few hours and i sleep 2am-10am

23 - whats your favourite thing to do on lazy days with zero obligations?

except for the fact that i dont remember the last time it happened, i would probably spend it drawing outside, watching anime with my sister and riding a bike around the forest

28 - sunrise or sunset?

i love sunrises because its so peaceful and everyone is asleep but also i subconsciously immediately correlate them with waiting for a train to take me to school (because thats basically the only time i see them) so its a bittersweet love especially with my fucked up biological clock

but sunsets are really really pretty too and i see them more often so i cant choose

33 - whats your fave pastry?

and isnt that a millior-dollar question dhsjjsjsj

either cinnamon rolls (i absolutely adore them) or that one specific type of cupcake-shaped-thing made out of shortcrust/bread/whatever its called and filled with vanilla pudding

34 - tell us about a stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it?

awwww this is cute

okay so basically my two favourite stuffed animals (i still have them, they sit in my wardrobe) were two teddy bears (like maybe 20cm high each of them) and one was pure brown and the other was silver-brown and they had stereotypical polish male names “Waldek” (read. Valdek) and Stefan (i think tho im not sure if i remember correctly, my memory is a feeble thing sometimes

46 - tell us the worst pun you can think of

what dog would never bite you? a hot dog *badumtss*

47 - what food do you think should be banned from the universe?

huh a year ago id say pineapple pizza but i guess i dont hate pineapples that much anymore (tho putting them on pizza is still an abomination) but i think that if id ever want to get rid of anything it would be parsley, i hate that freakin herb (does it count as food tho)

52 - what are your favourite memes of the year so far?

the ever given for sure shsjshjsjsjsjjsj

but bullying tramp stamps is gold and pure tumblr energy too

as for fandom memes: im in love with all keeping-up-with-the-todorokis variations and the fact that the entire bsd fandom looked at fukuchi and said “biTCH” and thats one of the only things we’re unanimous about

59 - whats your favourite myth?

i always liked the kora/persephone myth (though demeter is an overbearing parent to the nth power), loki and thor crossdressing at a party to get mjolnir back, atalanta because shes a queen and id politely ask her to kick my ass, and cassandra because she deserved better, and theres a l o t more because alas i was a mythology nerd but this post is long enough for me not to make this section 20 times longer sjjsjsjsjsjks

but there are a lot of slavic myths that are very cool too, though we dont know that much about them as about the greeks for example

60 - do you like poetry? what are some of your faves?

o o o o h yeah i do like poetry because to create such a beautifully sounding thing with only words someone has to be a genius

some of my favs are: some works of nakahara chuuya (thank u bsd for introducing me to this man’s beautiful imagery in his works i swear to god the descriptions do it for me) (also his poem about having hangovers is a mood like i feel you buddy), the raven by ea poe (i know everyone likes it but hOLY DAMN THE INTER/INTRAVERSE RHYMES ARE LIKE,,, BREATHTAKING) (and aso im a slut for gothic horror), and many more but also That One Poem From Welcome To Nightvale about reaching the island in the west,,, only perfect vibes from it

63 - are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organised or kinda leave them be?

okay heres the thing. for anyone else both my playlist library and my bookshelf would be considered pure chaos of a mad man b u t they actually have a highly focused system which means that i sort them based on their vibes, lovability and (in case of books) their age and whether or not theyre a part of a series so i would say my bookshelf is rather organised (when a quarter of it isnt occupying my desk that is) and my music is more organised than not but sometimes it gets out of control and i have to sort it entirely again

66 - what would your ideal flower crown look like?

either entirely constructed of simple white daisies, entirely constructed of only white roses, or something that probably would win a “how many different coloured flowers can one fit in a flower crown” competition

or something purple (maybe not belladonna)

83 - whats some of your favourite album art?

god i dont know if it counts but hozier’s wasteland baby is probably one of my absolute favourites and no one shall beat that

“thrifted youth” (dalynn) and “standard deviation” (danny schmidt) have very aesthetic covers too

also the iconic p!atd too weird to live, too rare to die! album cover,,, its just iconic what can i say

and last but not least matt meason’s pink-and-black album covers (though bank on the funeral is really pretty too but like,,, “who killed matt meason” d o e s it for me and so does the 2017 tribulation single)

87 - what are some movies that you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives?

this is such a hard question because im not a really cinematography-oriented gal but i suppose that (at the risk of not going deep enough into the cinema world):

- the princess bride

- inception

- night at the museum

- SPIRITED AWAY

- forrest gump

- truman show

- E.T. (i cried okay)

- the lord of the rings (because damn me if this isnt one impressive adaptation)

- parasite

and one more personal recommendation: “ready or not” with samara weaving because goddamn i dont usually watch this genre but holy s h i t is it good

93 - whats the hairstyle you wear the most?

honestly just plain hair down (because having curly hair is a menace), split in the middle when i have longer hair and split on one side when its short

also low ponytails or half-up-half-down when im exercising, or double french braids when my hair doesnt cooperate enough to look presentable in any other form

99 - list some songs that resonate with your soul whenever you hear them

this is difficult because my music taste is a goddamn rollercoaster on a good day, but heres some:

- me and the sky from “come from away” musical (this is sort of a test song for my mental stability, if i cry i aint stable)

- dancing after death by matt meason (okay most songs by matt meason except for like,,, hallucinogenics maybe)

- tears and rain by james blunt

- i will follow you into the dark by death cab for cutie

- almost home by mxmtoon

- anything by hozier really but shrike especially

- payphone, the cover by alex g (i cried to this song so many times)

- burning pile by mother mother (can i roast all my problems please)

- long way from home and cleopatra by the lumineers

- autoclave by the mountain goats

oooh that was c o o o o o o o l as fuck thank you sm so much bebe (and sorry for the long post @everyone else)

#smadhuman being pure af #bay answers #long post #very long post #ask #asks

[andtheyweredeskmates]

Of Latte’s and Lingerie: MLBCN Coffee Shop AU

A part two to this fic I posted. Bc of quarantine I’ve been getting back into creating content like fanart and fics so I thought I’d actually do something with this instead of let it sit in a folder collecting dust. 

Quick Warning: For now I’m gonna say this is rated T for Teen and Up for language(I’m sorry I’m so vulgar and it translates a lot in my writing. my bf says its the russian in me) but if that changes I’ll be sure to post that in any future updates. 

Also I still really want to hear feedback on this because I’ve never really pursued fics and I’m always here for constructive criticism. Also if I feel like nobody likes it, for obvious reasons I’m probably not gonna do anything with it. Anywhoo, thanks for reading! Hope you enjoy!

“What’s his name?”

Nino scratched his head.

“Uh, I dunno dude, it’s a cat.”

“Cat’s have names too ya know.” Adrien rolled his eyes.

“What is he eating?’

“Cheese! Its kinda all I have in my fridge right now.” Adrien got a little closer to the ravenous black cat, that was absolutely devouring the piece of camembert in front of him.

“Nino, do you know anything about cats.”

“No! It’s not like I’ve ever had one before. That’s why I texted you.” Adrien was able to scratch the little black cat behind the ears and he felt it purr. He smiled.

“Ill take him home with. I’ve been wanting to adopt a cat for ages.” That wasn’t entirely a lie. Adrien had been wanting a cat. But he’d never actually considered the possiblity of owning one. He’donly just got his own place and Adrien was still discovering all the possiblities of freedom when you lived on your own.

“Better you than me, you know I can’t take care of myself, let alone a whole other animal.” Adrien laughed.

“No kidding. Who only keeps cheese in their fridge?”

….

The whole way home Adrien’s eyes flashed to the little black cat that slept in his back seat. He couldn’t believe it was so calm. He was positive that most cats didn’t act like that, specifically around strangers.

He was subconciously brushing his hair out of his eyes, He wondered what it wouls be like if he cut it all off. He’s positive that would be the final straw for his father. He’d actually kill Adrien.

Adrien’s thoughts were everywhere. Before he knew it he was home, with no recollection of the journey. He was a little on edge since he’d told his father he wanted to quit modeling. For obvious reasons, Gabriel Agreste did not take it very well. But Adrien had prepared. He saved the hell out of his money, found a new place to live, a job as an interpreter at a non profit organization, and gathered all of his belongings. At least, the ones that mattered. He made sure there was nothing left for Gabriel to hold over his head.

“I’m an adult, father. I have a degree that I’d actually like to use. I know you mean well but it’s time for me to do what’s right for me. Your ambitions aren’t mine.”

The discussion ended with some choice words that weren’t worth repeating, Adrien didn’t like being on bad terms with his dad but for once in his life he was free to do whatever the hell he wanted and he was gonna take advantage of that.

He started small. There was suddenly a whole new world of food and Adrien would be damned if he didn’t eat it all. He was no longer limited to black coffee and protein shakes. He could finally gorge himself on pastries and sugar loaded frappuccino’s. God he was such a whore for a good mocha frappuccino. And Dunn’s knew exactly what was up when it came to a good mocha frappe. Loaded with chocolate and love and more chocolate.

Adrien was happy. But it didn’t mean that there wasn’t that nagging voice in his head, screaming that he needed to please his father. Adrien’s anxiety had been creeping up on him for weeks, ever since he’d moved out of his father’s home and it was starting to hit him like a fucking train. Maybe he needed to go to therapy.

Adrien was pulled out of his thoughts by the meowing cat in the back seat. And just like that, Adrien’s worries were drifting away.

“I think I’ll call you Plagg. What do you say to that?” The cat said nothing, and Adrien took it as approval.

“C’mon Plagg, lets get something to eat.”

…

“I’m so sorry Audrey, I don’t know how that happened.” Marinette was very stressed out. Actually, “very stressed out” didn’t even cut it. Marinette was on the verge of a goddamn heart attack. Audrey Bourgeois was easily the most difficult person to work for on the planet and she did not accept anything less than perfection. But luckily, Marinette’s work exceeded expectations in every capacity, which meant that she wasn’t going to be fired. Not today at least.

“It wasn’t your fault. But I swear on my Versace sunglasses Marinette Dupain-Cheng if you don’t find a new assistant, I’m going to fire your whole team. Do I make myself clear? You’re a professional now. Every detail matters. And not just in the clothes.” Marinette nodded her head.

“Of course!” Audrey’s eyes lingered on Marinette’s for a moment before she turned back to the line of lingerie that Marinette had slaved over.

“These pieces really are magnificent.” Audrey mumbled, her fingers ghosting over the fabric.

“You know my daughter may be modeling one.” Marinette nodded.

“I’m sure she’ll look great ma’am.”

“Have you ever met my Chloe? She’s about your age Marinette.” Marinette shook her head.

“Oh no ma’am, I don’t think so.” Audrey laughed for a moment.

“I’m sure you’ll despise her. She’s a lot like me.” Marinette’s eyes nearly bulge out of her head.

“Oh, Audrey if she’s anything like you, I’m sure she’s great! Really.”

“It’s all right Marinette, I know who I am. I’ve been a bitch since I came out of the womb. But that’s what makes a businesswoman my dear. You really ought to take note if you want to own your own business one day.” Marinette scoffed internally. As if. Marinette didn’t even know how she was going to fire her assistant, let alone manage an entire company. Marinette knew who she was too. She didn’t have what it took to be a businesswoman. But she had what it took to be a fashion designer. So she was happy to be working at a major company, even if she did work for a bitch.

“Marinette I’m sure you’re exhausted. Feel free to go home. Now that we have this whole fiasco figured out.” Marinette sighed and nodded her head. She felt a little dead inside. Her exhaustion had hit peak levels and she couldn’t believe she let Tim talk her into Hot Chocolate. How naïve to think that something wouldn’t go wrong and keep her from her appointment with her pillow. Her very soft, comfy pillow. Marinette had never been more motivated to leave the office in her life.

When she got home, Marinette heard the purring at the door. She gave her little ginger kitty a soft smile and reached down to pick her up, nuzzling her face.

“Come on Tikki, let’s go to bed.”

Next Chapter

#mlbcn #mlb #mlb fanfic #adrien agreste #marinette dupain cheng #coffee shop au #miraculous ladybug #tw: language #tw: swearing #my fanfiction #my fic

[border-spam]

Twins prompt 10: It takes Two

Troy is just as bad as his sister when it comes to lashing out at the only other person in his life he cares about .

Note: I am SUSTAINED by comments. If you like any of these prompts, or want to see more of a specific one, hit up the replies. That’s my motivational juice right there. Check out the #my hcs tag on my page for the rest of my shorts and HCs!

He’s always hated editing without his own personal tech setup.

Tyreen never got why, she couldn’t. She’s not him, she doesn’t do any of the work he does, so she has no context for why this current situation sucks so much for him. Her job is to stay in front of the camera, his is to make sure she’s seen. Keeping her scripts written, her scenes choreographed, her persona in place.

Lighting, overlays, graphical tweaks. Cutting and editing content before he carefully schedules it for peak coverage and unleashes it on their ravenous followers, and he’s so goddamn good at it when he has hardware that works.

His media center back in their current base, his personal setup? It’s fully rigged for his dominant arm. The “stupid looking” accessories around his desks that Ty makes fun of? Butterfly keyboards, customisable multi-button mice, key-bound datapads. All ergonomic, all specifically designed to take a lot of the strain off his left hand and be as efficient as possible with it, without having to rely on his clumsy right to carry the slack.

When they are off planet seducing new sponsors, or escorting a war party, or any of the times he doesn’t have access to his own gear? He hates it. Sure, he has the software he uses on an echokey, but he has to rely on whatever hardware is available, and it’s never designed for one handed use. 

His mechanical arm is slow, cumbersome. It’s irritating and painful to try and use dexterously. He makes mistakes, ones that he knows damn well wouldn’t have happened if he was home with his own setup. Everything takes so much longer.. and the longer it takes, the more he fucks up. The more mistakes he makes, the more frustrated he becomes, and a frustrated Troy is a dangerous God to be around.

Tyreen can’t comprehend his anger when this happens. All she sees is her twin getting snappy, getting aggressive while hunched over hardware and spitting curses at it. She thinks he’s just being a moody bitch or complaining about a workload she knows damn well he can handle with no effort, so what’s the problem?

He can get it done, he always gets it done. He’s reliable like that. Useful. Clever.

Usually he can swallow the anger down, stay locked within his own head till he finally get’s the work finished.

Tonight he can’t.

It’s hours past midnight, it’s icy cold, and he hates Pandoran nights. The bitter air creeps into his joints and his lungs and his ports, chills the metal down into his bones, he can never get warm enough.

The bonfire the rest of the war party are celebrating around in the nearby camp is so damn tempting, but the raiders are too loud. He has to get this finished.

He needs to concentrate and he can’t with their goddamn screaming and chanting. Cringing as they shriek his mother’s name in reverence to their twin Gods, as his sister laps up the attention by the warmth of the fire while he struggles out of camp with this -

“Piece of fucking shit, goddamn ancient broken heap of ATLAS JUNK!”

He closes his eyes as the steamy breath from his outburst dissipates around him in the freezing night air, and starts to grind his teeth instead, frustration boiling over.

A sharp pang of pain along the front of his lower jaw reminds him with a gasp and a curse that the recent mod work still isn’t quite healed, and he lowers his chin to his chest and rubs at the tiny line of blood that’s seeped out of the seam under his lip, squinting at the flickering monitor of the small laptop balanced on his knees.

He’s exhausted, he can’t sleep till this Let’s Flay is ready and he keeps fucking up. Stupid.. broken.. WASTE of a right arm isn’t dextrous enough to work with the tiny keyboard he’s hunched over, and even with his coat pulled tight around his shoulders trying to keep what little heat he has in, his only usable hand is starting to numb.

His fingers are freezing, clumsy, and he’s only got his left arm to work with. There is strain in his tendons from stretching to hit the same 3 keybinds over, and over, and over, and he’s not getting any closer to being done. Every step forward and he notices two he has to take back and fix, mistakes he never would have made if he hadn’t been dragged out here, and he is fucking furious.

This isn’t fair. Why can’t he be home? Why does he have to be here, doing this, with ONE hand, just because Tyreen wanted him with her for what.. support or some shit? Where’s his support?

He clenches the useless oversized prosthetic fist laying in the dirt next to him, repeating the movement over and over to try and relieve some frustration. The pistons hiss almost as loudly as the sound of the laptop’s struggling fans, and he gnaws viciously at his lower lip with metal capped teeth as he slams his fingers into the flimsy keyboard harder with each new mistake.

“Oh my godddd, you’re still up?”

He stiffens, hearing her approaching from the camp. Sauntering away from the screaming laughter and cheering of the celebrating COV warband he’d purposefully removed himself from tonight to try and get this done… and he braces himself.

She’s going to piss him off.

She’s already pissing him off with that nagging, bitchy tone of voice. Mocking him, like he wants to still be up. Like he WANTS to waste his night and sit here freezing to get this work done for her.

A warm, gentle touch to his left shoulder, and he feels a shudder of anger run down his spine, refusing to look away from the monitor and acknowledge his twin’s friendly gesture.

“Yeah… it’s… not going fast, Tyreen. I figure another couple a hours…” he mumbles into his fur collar, purposefully ignoring her attempts at eye contact.

“Oh. Right… ” She whispers, almost sounding apologetic as she carefully removes her hand from his shoulder, the sound of her feet shifting nervously in the dust behind him breaks the silence for a moment.

“Well, whatever, dumbass!” She sings out with a laugh as her persona falls back into place. God Queen active again, all confidence and hubris.

“Hurry up so you can come back to camp, the boys are asking for ya and even I -he grimaces- can’t keep ‘em entertained forever.”

The new squeeze on his shoulder is meant to be reassuring, maybe? It’s just irritating him more. Why won’t she just fuck off and let him work. Run back to her adoring fans and leave him to sulk in peace.

He whistles in a sharp breath and smiles, still looking straight forward at the night sky ahead, still ignoring her hand squeezing his shoulder.

“Yeah.”

“Yeah OK Tyreen. Cool. Cool! I’ll hurry up. I’ll just get another hand, will I?”

“I’ll just freakin wish, rrrreeeeeaaal hard and grow a new arm, and not have to RELY ON THIS SHIT THAT DOESN’T FUCKING WORK!”

She jumps back with a fright as he yells and slams the laptop closed with an audible crunch, wrapping her arms around herself in the bitter cold as she ties to salvage the situation.

“Troy.. What the hell man, I was only checking up on you…”

No reply, her massive twin hunches down on himself further in front of her, sharp metal ridges on his spine implant raising in threat as the red light under the black metal plating pulses in response to his anger.

“If this is getting to you just.. stop. It’s OK to do it when we get back if… if it doesn’t, you know…”

She tries to find the right words, gesturing quietly at his modded back, his monstrous prosthetic arm.

“Um… suit your layout.”

He twitches visibly, and she waits for his reply, hopeful he’ll come back to the camp now.

“My… “layout”, Tyreen?”

Finally, he turns to her. Vicious smile not reaching his icy eyes as they bore into his sister, seething.

“Got any more advice for me on my layout… considering who fucking configured it?”

It takes her a moment to realise the implication.

The blame.

She drops her hands to her sides in shock and returns his stare. Disgusted expression smeared across her features, mouth slack and eyes narrowed as she comprehends what he’s just said to her.

“I.. I..” She stutters, tears starting to pool under her eyelashes.

“Screw you, Troy” she chokes out, flinging the warm blanket he hadn’t noticed she’d carried from camp for him into his face, before turning to storm away.

“Feeling’s mutual, you nasty little bitch” He hisses in reply, and tosses the blanket into the oil soaked dirt by his side in petty dismissal of her attempted kindness. 

Watching her make her way back towards the inviting warmth of the still celebrating camp for a while, he slowly shifts back to the laptop still balanced on his lap and cautiously opens it, revealing the destroyed screen.

“Oh… Fuck.”

#troy calypso #tyreen calypso #calypso twins #borderlands #borderlands3 #bl3 #my hcs #my writing

[me-and-my-gaster]

I don't know jack shit about homestuck but here you go! 3, 27 and 74! (I hope the questions apply to you) Oh and also 40 because I like when you ramble about ships even if I don't know those ships! ^3^

The 100 Homestuck Asks!

3 - How many times have you read HS?

It’s hard to count, I guess? I started reading it once and had to stop after the Cascade (about halfway). Then I re-read the first half to ‘get it’ when I read about the Alpha Kid’s session and finished the whole thing. Then I often worked with a YT queue of ‘Let’s Read Homestuck’ playing in the background. And I also often jump in and read a page or a hundred when my friend who is currently reading the whole thing for the first time reminds me of something awesome. So... Personally, fully, with my own two eyes with no breaks (that was a mighty binge, I tell you)? Once. Overall... hard to tell.

27 - Favorite carapacian?

I’d say The Mayor, because everybody loves the Mayor and the Mayor deserves all the love. I do also have a weakness for the Windswept Questant (White Queen) because her design is very pretty.

74 -  Earth C headcanons?

Everybody lived happily ever after, the end. Also, this was only the first planet they inhabited, later on, they traveled further to explore their new Universe. Good shit, good adventures, good fun.

40 - BROTP?

Ho boy. You like me ranting about ships and you picked one of the topics I can rant about A LOT.

Dave & Rose - they behave like siblings, squabble, talk shit, whine about each other, but despite that, both are ready to maul a bitch for the other AND die to keep the other one alive. 11/10.

Dirk & Roxy - they gave each other a hard time but boy if I don’t love how deep their pride and respect goes when it comes to one another. Especially since they grew up in similar circumstances and GET each other in ways that nobody else could. Good sibs again. Kick ass, chew gum, and have unhealthy coping mechanisms together.

Meowrails - at first I thought Equius was too overbearing towards Nepeta and that he was trying to keep her on ‘a leash’. But then I reminded myself that he kept her safe from the goddamn revenge spiral Vriska started and if Nepeta really wanted to do something, she would. I like the difference in height and personality between them. Nepeta being a very small, active, extroverted, and open one is a good balance for Equius’ big body and proper, stiff, and formal behavior. There are also those little things you notice like Nepeta having a blue tail, which meant Equius used his skills to help her with the Lioness life. Like how they’re usually shown together. Like how Equius trying to protect her while simultaneously knowing he’s too weak to keep her safe by his side, so he sends her away. Like how Nepeta was following him anyway and was ready to maul a mad clown because her moirail was hurt. All of it. I just really like them and I’m glad most of the fic writers always keep them together. 

Dave & Dirk - jesus wept, that one long-ass talk between them at the very end of the story hit me so hard. Both of them talking about Bro, about Alpha Dave about how they grew up and what are their expectations of each other. This was one of the best convos in the whole thing for me. I wish I could see more of them, cause there’s so much good shit that can happen. Every fic with Dave and Dirk being good brothers in any older/younger configuration is A+ content for me.

John & Karkat - I know JohnKat is a very fun and nice ship and I don’t blame anybody for preferring those two as a romantic couple but... there’s something for me with them being close friends (or moirails, please gods, yes). They really had a very good relationship in the story, one that had a lot of buildup and growth. One of my favorite convos comes from their interactions. (hi karkat!) They are both leaders of their respective groups, self-proclaimed or not and they did work together (with a lot of help from Jade, that is) to figure out how to save everybody’s asses. They also seem to balance each other out, or at least John is a good balance for Karkat’s unending anger rants. Karkat is also a lot smarter than John and isn’t afraid to point out the other’s dumbassery, so there’s that. What also appeals to me in the idea of them being moirails is how it could be a lovely way to work through John “I Am Not A Homosexual” Egbert’s internalized masculinity stereotypes.

Now, let’s delve deep into the BROTPs that didn’t have much material in the comic.

Sollux & Dave - I didn’t give this pair any thought until I’ve read a few good fics with them being in a pale quadrant, and let me tell you... this shit’s good. Those two are assholes on the outside and would probably be the duo that annoys the everloving shit out of everybody in the close vicinity just with their banter. And I just think they’re neat.

Davesprite & Hal - those two would have hit it off immediately, even if only for being the fifth wheel in their respective “kids set”. Both seem more bitter than their ‘alpha’ counterparts. Both also seem more mature, due to being a bit older/wiser but also a little bit more broken. Both also got mighty forgotten by everybody which, not gonna lie, hurts me a lot. I have a lot of feelings about Davesprite and how much he went through and I also have a lot of feelings about Hal, who’s both a human stuck in the shades and an AI at the same time. I just wish to see the two interact and be bros they really need. They should be happy, dammit!

Roxy & Eridan - the scarf and sniper rifle duo! Ok, I love both of them because they are my comfort characters for various reasons and their stories hit home very hard, so I am mighty biased. But... They both have issues that seem to be polar opposites for the most parts and I really dig the idea of them moirailing the shit out of each other. Roxy being a very open person who is first to make friends would have no issues with befriending Eridan “Water Asshole” Ampora any time of the day. And I think he needs somebody who would listen to him properly and attack him with too much love at any waking moment but also somebody he would have to be actually responsible for. Also, like I said, both are snipers who also use another extra specibi, so I think they would make a lovely power BROTP. 

Also, I do love the idea of Eridan painting Roxy’s nails because she never could get it right herself because she was either drunk or running with pumpkins and the polish looked shitty immediately after she applied it.

Ok, that’s about it when it comes to the BROTPs from the top of my head. Thank you for your ask!

#mamg answers #homestuck #100 homestuck asks #should i tag all the brotps? #nah #Anonymous

[lovelyparkers]

hard as nails (2)

summary: the second and final part to hard as nails! my 50k special!!! warnings: VIOLENCE!, a gross teenager, angst and fluff, um spiciness and swearing 2.5k words

peter parker left school that day with a hunch. he thought of the note, the knowledge that you attended the same school, the flirting, your voice...

and especially those red nails.

the same nails that belonged to you. the same ones that would pin his wrists down in several different places during fights. the same ones that stroked his cheek. it had to be you i mean, he had chills along with his spider sense. he knew it was you. and it kinda sucked. he liked you in school. he thought you were so cute and smart and sweet. and in the hero vs villain world? he thought you were mysterious and funny and...maybe a little sexy. your villain name, violet, flowed off his tongue so nicely and your hair when it blew in the wind on rooftops and your eyes that glistened under the moonlight. your signature red nails that could kill (my gosh) and your fucking party city mask.

it was y/n. it was you.

he bolted down the busy sidewalks of queens and changed into his spidey suit. his main and only focus was to track you down and find out what the fuck is going on. the only criminal he would catch tonight was you, no matter what.

you usually showed up in peter's path at some point every night, sharing some banter and flirting and the occasional play fight. but today was different. he couldn't find you. and sure it was new york but still, you always showed up and he started to worry. he swung around and around the proximity of queens several times for fun and on the lookout for you for hours.

meanwhile, you were at home doing some homework. sitting on your bed in your empty apartment writing down some notes and studying for tests. point being, you were trying to keep your mind off of daria at all costs even though she would probably find you and kill you if you didn't bring her peter. but you wanted to have a relaxing evening off your feet. maybe you would go out, maybe, you doubt it.

but you got bored, figured you'd head out on the town, steal some cash, buy yourself some treats before you get brutally murdered by a frightening middle aged woman. your victim was a kid from your school, total idiot who lived in your neighborhood and still went to midtown. you walked behind him on the sidewalk for awhile before grabbing his backpack and pulling him back into your arms.

"hey kid."

"oh my god," the kid hyperventilated, "you're that- you're that girl."

"mhm yeah i am. now give me your wallet and we won't have any trouble sweetie."

"okay," he stuttered our before reaching into his bag to pull out a wallet and hand it to you.

you dumped the contents onto the sidewalk, one hand still holding him in your grip. you fished through the items. there was loose change, a few twenty dollar bills, school id and a condom.

you held it up in his face, "really? you're that guy? you disgust me."

"i'm sorry!" he yelled.

"okay move along and get a life buddy."

you pushed him out of your path and headed down the street to a corner store which sold the greasiest funnel cake on planet earth that seemed to always be opened. you got the biggest order topped with literally everything they had and tossed a twenty on the counter pocketing the rest of your, well that kid's, cash.

you held your foam take out box filled with an enormous funnel cake and happily climbed you way up the fire escape to the nearest building. you were a little shocked you hadn't seen peter yet tonight but hey, maybe you scared him off. you sat down and enjoyed your funnel cake and watched the sunset over queens. what a nice night to be murdered.

you could still give peter up and save your own life but, deep down you couldn't. you had so much fun with him over the time you've been here and he never turned you in. he never hurt you. and you made a promise to him. he knew who you really were, a damaged kid who got caught up in the wrong crowd. but you were a shit head and peter was a hero. you stole stuff and he stopped the people who stole stuff. you couldn't risk his life for your own actions. it wasn't fair, and you realized that. now, it was time to be the good guy.

"violet," peter said, grunting as he hit the rooftop.

you turned your head to face him, "oh hey babe, want some funnel cake? i stole it sorta."

"no, i don't want stolen funnel cake. i wanna talk."

"about what," you said with a full mouth.

"about you."

"hey dude, you do this every night! i'm a bad person about to get beat and i'm trying to have a wonderful last meal."

"i'm not gonna beat you up."

"not what i meant."

"why?"

"why what?"

"why are you doing this? why are you protecting me?"

you paused, chewing and some powdered sugar fell on your leather pants, "because i know you're a good person. and i'm a shit head. and i realize that now. i just- i don't know if i can stop but anyways it will all be over tonight."

"what are you talking about," peter asked ripping off his mask.

you still faced away from him, eating, "she's gonna kill me."

"who?"

"daria. my mentor as one might say. she's gonna kill me since i didn't turn you in."

"i'm sorry what?"

"daria—"

"no i heard you just what the hell y/n, do you—" peter realized his mistake and covered his mouth with his gloved hands.

you groaned and chucked the rest of your funnel cake off the roof, "damn it man! how the fuck do you know?"

peter pulled his hands away, "the red nail polish, you should really be more careful."

you smirked, impressed, "says you."

"i'm learning," he said walking closer to you, "now whats this about getting killed."

you wrapped your arms around his neck and leaned in close to his face, "it doesn't concern you babe."

"seems like it does," he began, resting his hands on your waist, "since it's either me or you."

"don't worry, i'm doing you a favor," you laughed.

"yeah, that's your life. i'm not asking you to do this."

you stroked his hair, "i know. but i'm gonna."

"stop. i'll help you."

"no no no. look. i'll be at that run down place of 75th street. in two hours come and pick up my body. daria will be gone by then."

"violet- i mean, y/n, stop. i'm gonna help you."

"i don't need you to save me, hero. people need you more than they need me."

you squeezed yourself out of his arms and headed to the edge. you were about to get down to head to daria's when peter shot you with a web and pulled you toward him.

"woah there spidey, tying me up already? who know you were so kinky."

peter blushed, "listen to me. y/n i need you. i need you so so bad. you keep me grounded, i'm serious. you're a real pain in the ass sometimes but i love it. you're funny. and really really sexy might i add."

"ooh look who's flirting now."

"shut up," he laughed, "but i really need you. i'm not gonna let some middle aged woman kill you. that's not how you should go. i wanna get to know you. i can tell you don't like being a 'shit head' as you called it and i'll help you. i'll show you how to use your powers for good. we can be partners."

you smiled, thinking for a second, "i appreciate the offer but, you should just let me go."

"well these webs take two hours to dissolve."

"damn can you even last that long?"

"stop," he blushed, "i'm serious. i'm gonna help you. if you'll let me?"

you looked into his brown eyes filled with hope and slowly nodded, "okay."

"okay."

you both stood there on the roof, "so now what?"

"um we wait till my webs dissolve off you?"

"so what are you gonna do with me for the next two hours?" you smirked.

peter laughed, still blushing, "see this is what i'm talking about, a pain in the ass."

"but you love it," you laughed.

he did.

—————————

two hours later you were able to pull the webs off with the aid of peter. during those two hours you talked about all sorts of things. and you really wanted to change. you wanted to be good. and you devised a plan to take out daria.

peter swung the two of you over to daria's place and of course being you, you made several cheeky remarks which made peter almost drop you one or six times.

when you arrived, your body was almost shaking. you were actually terrified. peter put a hand on your back to calm you down and it helped a little.

"okay y/n are you ready? you go in first then i go in then we both kick her ass."

you nodded slowly.

"spidey?"

"violet?"

you grabbed his cheeks in both your hands and pressed a quick kiss to his lips, "see you on the other side."

you ran off, entering daria's apartment, leaving a blushing peter behind.

"holy shit."

you quietly entered daria's kitchen and called out for her.

peter came up to stand just outside the door to listen and be ready. he didn't doubt you, he just wanted to protect you. and goddamn he wanted to kiss you again.

"daria?" you asked into the empty kitchen.

"you're late," she said, "where is he?"

you said nothing.

"that's what i thought. i knew you could never do it deep down you bitch. it's almost midnight and no spider-man. you know what i said. you're going to suffer."

"what's your deal with him anyways?" you asked, steering away from the plan, "you're too lazy and fucking stupid to do anything yourself so you make me do dirty work. and you want me to rid off an innocent hero. fuck you."

shit. peter thought. this was gonna get real fighty real fast. but he nodded, it was kinda hot hearing you curse.

"don't play with me sweetheart, i protect you."

"i can protect myself. i'm done with you."

daria walked forward to you and slapped you across the face and kneed you in the stomach. you grabbed the side of your face.

"jesus what is it with you and slapping me?"

once peter heard the smack and busted right in the door and kicked daria square in the stomach. he ran to you in the kitchen to help you up.

"you okay?"

"yeah i will be babe, thanks."

daria got back up and tried the punch peter behind him but you swept her legs out causing her to pummel to the ground. she was too easy to beat. peter webbed her feet to the ground. and her hands together.

"oh c'mon taser web this bitch."

"no!"

you scoffed and walked to her side, "you're too easy to beat."

"so what, you're the good guy now?" she spat.

you looked to peter then back to daria, "yeah maybe. maybe i am."

then you pulled back your own hand and slapped her in the face.

"that's what you get bitch! you're done!"

peter grabbed your waist to prevent you from doing anything else and carried you out to the parking lot. he also called the police to get rid of that horrid woman.

"so now what?" peter asked.

"go to a rooftop? we have lots to talk about."

"you got it violet," peter winked, grabbing you again and webbing around to find a nice desolate roof.

he gently placed you down and sat next to you, taking off his mask.

"so," peter began, "what's up?"

"i'm sorry i kissed you."

"don't be. i...i liked it."

"really?"

"yeah. really. i like you, and not just violet, i like y/n, i like all of you."

you smiled, "i like you peter spider-man parker."

"good," he smiled.

there was a small moment of silence, both of you smiling over each other. and then you leaned into his side and grabbed the back of his neck, pulling him in for a passionate, well deserved kiss. it was long lasting and felt so good until peter pushed back your shoulder.

"so if i'm gonna teach you how to be good," he said licking his lips, "you have to know that i'm in charge."

"oh are you now, pretty boy?"

"mhm. now take off that mask."

you obliged, taking off your party city mask and throwing it on the roof, "there, how do i look?"

"hot as hell, babe."

"that's my thing," you reprimanded.

"hmmm i don't know."

you quickly swung a leg over peter's hips, straddling him tightly, and pushed on his chest till his back hit the roof and once again pinned his wrists down.

"babe, i think we all know who's in charge here," you whispered. peter left out a soft breath with his eyes closed, feeling you on top of him.

peter quickly brought his legs up and out pulling you up and then turning you so now your back was on the roof and he was straddling your waist.

"do we?" he asked, "because wow..."

he leaned in so close to your face that his messy brown curls were toxic hung your forehead.

"...you look even prettier underneath me."

you smirked, biting your lip, "you know, you don't look so bad on top. but if you're gonna teach me to be good, i'm gonna teach you to be bad."

"what no! i'm a hero!"

"no," you laughed, "like...dirty stuff."

"oh," he blushed.

"i can teach you so many things."

"can you now?"

"oh i sure can. i can show you a whole lot you've never seen before," you said.

peter's breath started to quicken and he just wanted to get at you right there.

"and you know, we're both pretty flexible," you joked.

"oh man y/n. you're gonna be the death of me."

it was his turn to kiss you. his lips moved against yours in a fiery passion, whilst still having you pinned down. it was the kiss of your dreams. he would groan into your lips every so often causing you to melt and when you hit his lip and just about lost it, letting go of your wrists and you took over the kiss.

who knew, a hero and an ex villain making out would ever be a thing?

#peter parker imagine

[koiandjelly]

So Fila’s actual past isn’t very detailed, because she’s not a main OC, and I haven’t spent a ton of time actually thinking about her as a character lol. 98% of my Creativity goes to my original content characters, cuz someday when I finish actually crafting my worlds, I’m gonna write a book. I’m aiming for the lofty goals of making a full, fleshed out, intricate— just fuckin’... a whole ass Multiverse system comparable to the Lore content of Tolkien’s works, or The Elder Scrolls— gah fuck y’know what, I’m changing this post from being about my Fantasy Life OC to being about my creation baby, the effort of about 6 years (I am 20 years old, and although I didn’t know it at the time I started, I was 14 when I made the shitty Fire Emblem Manakete rip-off race that I’m gonna actually now talk about, because holy fuck this ain’t gonna fit in a parenthesis “btw have some info” bubble)

A’ight so I have a hard time keeping track of time, especially in a large scale across years. Apparently it’s related to being severely depressed without medication (communication error on my part, my parents are very lovely and helped me ASAP when I spilled the beans) while also having moderate to severe ADD. So, ya know, keep in mind that I was yet another terribly depressed 8th grader when I talk about my creation’s early days. I wouldn’t experience that time of my life for any sort of payment ever. It was goddamn miserable, because when I was midway through the age of 14, not only did the aforementioned depression spring up, but I also realized I was bisexual (And I live in the infamous state of Alabama, for reference. Don’t fear for me though, I was too unnoticeable to be bullied if anyone did know, and my wonderful mother, whom I love and cherish with all of my heart, is one of the few Christians that actually... like... do what their own God tells em to. That is, Jesus. I’m an atheist and have a general discomfort about the idea of super powerful entities actually existing irl, but I do agree with the stuff I’ve heard and remember from a decade ago in Church about Jesus. Good guy. But yeah my mom not only accepted me and reassured me when I came out, but she’s gone even further and is of the opinion/fact that lgbt folks are, really, good and normal and that God created them, so she really genuinely just... loves and accepts me. There’s no “I love you despite of this” in the equation and I am so grateful. But again. I digress)

Pause after that sidetrack, to recap, all of my medical issues began to emerge about 6 months before I turned 15. Including what I hate most, the emergence of my Fibromyalgia and Sjogren’s Syndrome, and for an added kick to the flesh, an undifferentiated connective tissue disorder. Meaning, as what I understand it to be, a nameless chimaera of many symptoms in a way that the disorder either is it’s own thing, or just can’t easily be recognized as any one disorder. And I had anxiety. If I recall correctly on *that*, forgive me cuz it’s been a while since it’s been diagnosed/brought up in a significant way, I have or had either general anxiety *and* social anxiety, or just lightweight versions of both, or something, but at the time I was horribly shy and I couldn’t even talk to the teacher after class about schoolwork, even though I tried rationalizing it to hell and back that I shouldn’t be scared— as you’ll guess, shit didn’t work out til I got medicine for it, because no amount of logic and rational thought will change the fact that I was struggling because of a literal disorder, an error of the brain, and as with that walking with two shattered femurs ain’t gonna work, trying to talk when the talk machine broke... ain’t going to goddamn work.

God. I am rambling a lot. But anyway, shit fucking sucked as a teen for me, because I got that wombo combo, prepare for trouble, make it double, precision strike at my existence as a person during fucking already difficult puberty— I am rambling. It’s 4:55am as of this sentence lmao. I had a nasty cocktail of both mental illness and physical disorders pop up once puberty hit me, so I, through many events starting from loving to draw as a toddler, to play pretend stories of heartbreak, betrayal, and death as best an 8 year old could understand via playing with Polly Pockets, and all the creative power I inherited from my Dad, plus the motivation borne through a need to escape, I started making my own characters.

So, to return to the present state of my creations, which will now be referred to as Bounding Beyond the Stars, or BBtS, I’m gonna get some things out of the way. Just to clarify, yeah? I have created my worlds in a way that is specifically meant to stand apart from the irl universe as we know it. I’m certainly not a knowledgeable researcher with any level of comprehension on Spacial law and quantum physics and shit like that. So hey, if something ever seems... like, off, or wrong? Unless it’s pretty obviously wrong in the “hey you just googled how a thing works, and misunderstood it, and made a detail based on a failure to understand stuff and that’s dumb in a catastrophic way that even a high school level viewer would notice...” kind of mistake, then hey, shoot me a message. But if some sort of universal rule seems fucky in the way that it doesn’t make sense, but isn’t a catastrophic structural error... well, Imma use that sentence to start a better one. For an example of a catastrophic error, perhaps... this: “This planet has no seasons cuz of its shape and axis! And it is also like twice as big as Earth!” That would be catastrophic alone because anyone with a grasp on planetary gravity or something, may go and think “if it’s that big, gravity’s gonna be way more intense”. And you’d be right! Which is why I usually account for those things with... *Magic*.

Before I split this post for Length reasons, and I’m sorry the majority of this was me rambling about how my general experience with life sucked from ages 14-17, I’mma state something very important about all my creations.

Magic, which will be explained in depth at a later point, is a fundamental, essential, and omnipresent force of not just any one universe in my Multiversal Trio. It is a key piece of Reality itself, as magic is the flow of many multiples of millions of unique and mysterious energies, concepts, and laws existing anywhere that Is.

To end this post, I’m going to put a quick summary and explanation why I’m rambling about any of this: The rant about my age and circumstances at the start are relevant because it’s necessary context for the tone and type of writing my creations are built upon. The foundations of BBtS are borne from a sometimes angsty, sometimes genuinely upset 14 year old who found escape in the art of Creation. There have been many, many, many heavy edits, rewrites, scrapped info and ideas, and even more info built upon it. It used to be pretty pointlessly edgy in a lot of ways, and redundant in grimdark, morphing into *grimderp* plot devices and character traits. The way it’s written today, I like to think the lore of my many high fantasy-alien societies, and all its denizens and creators and whatever else, are still written to be dark, be dangerous, even angsty... but more skillfully so, with the sort of nuance a 14 year old wouldn’t really even begin to understand. Cuz I still like high stakes stories with real consequences and character deaths when appropriate. And I enjoy characters who have tragic pasts, but now that I’m older and I’ve seen and read about and done so much more— I can write that stuff *better*. And more over, what I’m most satisfied with, is that I’m more in touch with myself as a person, and I’ve evolved many of my personal beliefs and ideals and all the things of the world I can have opinions on. But most of all, I’ve reached a point where I have consumed enough content from others to where I have figured out how to write something that should be interesting, and maybe a bit new, because I put a looot of Damn focus on identifying, and understanding, writing structure, cliches, plot holes to avoid, character traits to handle differently, and just generally making something that’ll appeal to both me, and my audience, should I get that far.

#original content #ramble #long ramble #worldbuilding #personal history #long post #fantasy #sci-fi #science fiction #it’s currently 5:24am as i think of appropriate tags lol #sleep deprived #late night/early morning thoughts

[theheavymetalmama]

And now, some Unpopular Opinions!

Because at this point, why the hell not?

Iron Man was better than The Dark Knight

I am in no way, shape, or form suggesting that The Dark Knight is a bad movie. Far from it, in fact. It’s a damn good movie with some fantastic performances, a gripping story, and some of the best written characters and dialogue in the history of movie making. So is Iron Man the better movie? For one, it’s not so stuck up its’ own ass about its’ message. The Dark Knight is a lot of things and one of them is pretentious as fuck, come off as less of a love letter to Batman and more of a method of the director Chris Nolan showing how much he has nothing but contempt for superheroes and comic books in general. Iron Man, in contrast, embraces it and has fun with the idea of a guy who builds a mech suit and fights bad guys. There’s also the question of influence, and that right there is no contest. The Dark Knight influenced Batman; Iron Man influenced the entire movie industry.

Final Fantasy XV was a massive disappointment

I kind of feel bad for dunking on this game considering they just cancelled the last of the DLC. Then again the last of the DLC was going to expand on Lady “Show Up and Blow Up” Lunafreya and Aranea “I’m here and now I’m not” Highwind’s stories and now we’re not getting them and I’m still bitter as fuck for the director’s pathetic excuse for why a girl couldn’t attend the coming of age road trip, so all bet’s are off! Okay, the ladies getting shafted aside, there is a lot to like about Final Fantasy XV, but was it worth the tedious development time? No way in hell. The game looks good but like many open world games feels mostly lifeless and empty, and of the four main characters only one of them is likable and isn’t even playable in the game’s vanilla form. The story is a broken mess that requires other forms of media to fully grasp (dick fucking move there, Squeenix) and the summons coming at random times serves as more of an annoyance than anything, especially since they always seem to show up except during times when and where they’d be useful. It also doesn’t say good things about a company’s management when a game can sell millions of copies in record time as well as do gangbusters on downloadable content and then still manage to lose over 30 million dollars.

And for the record, let it be known that Noctis is far and away the whiniest and most emo protagonist in Final Fantasy history, which is saying something considering this is a series where one such protagonist’s entire character is being so jaded and world weary to the point that his name is the sound a crying baby makes, and he doesn’t whine and complain as much as Noctis does.

Just because you’re a cop or a soldier, that doesn’t automatically make you a good person

I’m in favor of police and law enforcement and even though I believe our military budget makes Caligula himself look frugal in comparison I do support our troops. Having said that, being a cop or a trooper doesn’t mean jack shit if the person under the uniform is a complete and utter scumbag, which happens more often than many care to admit. In fact some people, many people, become cops and soldiers not to protect and serve or out of a sense of honor and duty, but simply because they like making others miserable and want to do it for a living. There’s a reason songs about fighting the law and unflattering depictions of authority figures date back as far as authority figures have been a thing. Respect is earned, not given.

‘White Nationalist’ and ‘Nazi’ are the same things

Calling a Nazi a white nationalist is like calling somebody who abuses their spouse a rough lover. Stop beating around the bush and tell it like it is. Also, don’t debate Nazis, punch them. Punch them as hard as you fucking can. If they punch you back, punch them again, and again, and again until they either run away (which most of them do) or stop moving. Trust me, nobody is going to miss them. That goes double for the alt right. Oh, and speaking of which...

Far Cry 5 chickened out

As somebody who grew up in a dead gold mining community that was mostly Catholic, when the first trailer for Far Cry 5 came out I was stoked as hell for the chance to gun down religious fanatics and skinheads in a place in rural America that didn’t look all that different. Then the game came out and it was abundantly clear to anybody that something somewhere in the game was changed at the last minute. Some have argued that it was their intention from the get go, others claimed they didn’t want to alienate their core demographic. It doesn’t say nice things about your core demographic if you’re worried about depictions of white supremacist cultists scaring them away, but okay, fine. Then make a game that takes place during the decline of the Ku Klux Klan, or in a post World War II Europe where you hunt Nazi war criminals, or failing that make something akin to Black Dynamite or a wacky 70′s Kung Fu movie where everything is purposefully over the top and exaggerated, I don’t care! All your other games have you gunning down hordes of brown people, let people like me and my husband kill some skinheads god damn it!

If you still support Donald Trump after all the vile and abhorrent things he’s done, you’re a bad person

There’s no beating around the bush on this one. I don’t blame people who were swooned by this conman thinking he’d genuinely make a good president and have since regretted their decision. I have nothing but sympathy for them. No, I’m talking about the people who STILL trip over themselves to defend this vile, homophobic, delusions, misogynist, narcissistic bigot. Like when he called Nazis “very fine people,” or is still pushing for a stupid wall along our border that will be bested by two extension ladders and a pair of tin snips. The travel ban, the rollback on regulations that kept food insecure people fed, kids dying in his fucking concentration camps, yeah, no. He’s a treasonous scumbag who deserves to be locked in an 8x8 cell until he rots, and if you still support him then you can claim the top bunk.

Climate change is real and coal can fuck off

Coal is dead. Let it lay down and rot. What, coal is your only source of income in the area you live in? Then move somewhere else! You think I would have left my hometown if there were any opportunities other than timber, fishing, and tourist traps? Sorry, but the longer we stay in the past with coal the lesser we can look forward to a future where a planet can sustain human life. If we want our planet to live then coal needs to die.

No, the left isn’t “just as bad” as the right

This is a fucking gas lighting farce that immediately falls apart when put under scrutiny. Are there extremists and crazies on the left? Of course there are, but they’re entirely different beasts as those found on the right. The left is more of a “eat enough kale and you can talk to dolphins” or “sleep with crystals under your bed and you can see the future” kinds of crazy, whereas the right is more of the “kill all the queers and let the brown babies starve” kind of crazy. Oh, and to each and every single person who said “Clinton is just as bad as Trump,” y’all can cover your reproductive organs in honey and stick them in a mason jar filled with live bullet ants and tarantula hawks, you ignorant scare mongering shitheels!

“Captain Marvel doesn’t smile!”

So what? She’s a space Navy Seal, not a boy scout like Captain America or Superman; she’s not supposed to smile.

No, the ‘alt left’ doesn’t exist and Antifa aren’t the same as Nazis

Are Antifa breaking the law? Yes. Should they be held accountable for their actions? Yes. Are people who want to kill Nazis exactly the same as people who want to exterminate the Jews and subjugate anybody who isn’t white while wiping other people’s culture off the face of the Earth under an authoritarian rule? Hell to the no and “Antifa is just as bad as the Nazis” is right up there with “Vaccinations cause autism” and “the Earth is flat” on the scale of “If you believe this, you are STUPID.” If Nazis and white supremacists went unopposed they’d go around raping and murdering Jews and non whites until there were absolutely none of them left. You know Antifa would be doing if there weren’t any Nazis around? Sitting in their crappy apartments smoking weed, sipping craft beer, eating pizza, and laughing their asses off at 20 year old Saturday Night Live skits. Ooooooh, scary! Yes, Antifa are assaulting people and destroying public property and yes they should be held accountable for their actions. But I’m not going to pretend, even hypothetically, that Nazi apologist scumbags like Tucker Carlson having his door banged on or actual Nazis like Richard Spencer getting punched in the face is on the same playing field as babies being put in cages, innocent black people being murdered by cops, or Jews being put into ovens, you fucks!

New She Ra is better than Old She Ra and 80′s cartoons in general

If you don’t like the new She Ra and prefer the old one, fine, you do you, but don’t act like the original is “So much better” because it isn’t at all. The villains were jokes, the animation was beyond cheap, the characters all looked the same, there were stupid talking animal sidekicks, and the story went nowhere really fucking fast outside of “Bad guys are doing bad guy stuff, our heroes must stop them” because they were commercials to sell toys. Nothing more, nothing less. If the new She Ra isn’t your bag then that’s all well and good, but don’t be a stupid asshole about it, talking about how it wasn’t featured at PowerCon like it’s a big fucking deal when only sad dorks like us give a shit about conventions, or whine about how you’re being oppressed and censored because a 16 year old isn’t rocking 44DD’s, or talk about “CalArts style” like that’s a real goddamn thing. Oh yeah, and speaking of which...

“CalArts style” is not a thing

Shut the fuck up, no it isn’t. It’s a stupid, meaningless buzzword hurled at people who never fucking went to CalArts in the first place. If you’re perplexed as to why modern cartoons all look like Steven Universe, the simple fact is that cartoons are made predominantly for children and shows are made to be aesthetically pleasing to them. With shows like Adventure Time, Regular Show, Steven Universe, Star vs the Forces of Evil, and Gravity Falls being soaring success stories while shows like Young Justice, new GI Joe, and 2011 Thundercats ambitious failures, it’s obvious that formal abstractionist non angularity is in while aspirational human physical fitness is out, and a big reason the latter was even a thing in the first place is because they were toy commercials first and there were only so many variations on plastic molds to form the fucking action figures and because it was the 80′s and Arnold was the biggest star at the time.

“Star Wars: the Last Jedi” is a good movie and fanboys can eat bantha poodoo

I’ve heard all the reasons for why The Last Jedi is a bad movie and they’re all either stupid nitpicky bullshit or meaningless fanboy gripes. I could write an entire essay debunking those reasons point for point, like how the reason Holdo didn’t tell Poe a damn thing because no admiral would ever a tell a lowly grunt anything about their plan, especially after being demoted for being a hotheaded little fuckup. Or that Rey being related to Obi Wan or any previous Star Wars character didn’t happen because that would have been stupid and the definition of predictable. Or that the reason Akbar didn’t do the suicide run is because he’s a meme that the general audience doesn’t give a shit about and that there’s no way in Hell that the Mouse would allow a character named “Akbar” to do a suicide run. Or that Kylo Ren not being an intimidating villain is the whole point and that you’re supposed to hate him because he’s a petulant Darth Vader wannabe and a snake to boot. Or that the effectiveness of said suicide run, where Snoke came from, or the state of the Resistance by the end of the movie, or that any other so called ‘plot hole’ doesn’t matter because this is a movie about space wizards for children and paying obsessive attention to meaningless and pedantic details is exactly how we end up with stupid subplots in the Beauty and the Beast remake and Metropolis and Gotham City being across the river from each other! But the biggest one is Luke wasn’t portrayed as some Jedi Clint Eastwood (why fanboys want that eludes me; the EU did that a few times and they were all terrible) and that him exiling himself doesn’t make any sense.

Sorry, but no, Luke running off to a far and unreachable island makes perfect sense. For one, it’s kind of a thing that disgraced Jedi do, and for two, Star Wars is a fairy tale in space. All of the characters draw inspiration from characters and archetypes from fairy tales and fables of old, and the one Luke Skywalker resembles most (largely by design) is King Arthur. Think about it. Common boy who doesn’t know who his real parents are, meets an old wizard, gets a legendary sword, discovers he’s of noble lineage, tags along with a few colorful characters, goes on a quest that’s bigger than him and the life he knew, hits a few bumps down the road, and then eventually he saves the kingdom by overthrowing his father who once was a great man and a hero but gave in to power and corruption and became a dark reflection of his former self.

You will never unsee that. 

Oh yeah, and remember how things turned out for King Arthur in the end? He started a whole new kingdom, he had a few good years, he grew arrogant, things started to fall apart, and suddenly he and everything he worked to build up were undone overnight by a younger, more vindictive relative. Disgraced, Arthur was whisked away to an unreachable island deep rooted in his own legend and mythology where he remained until Britain had fallen to darkness and needed him again. Now of course Britain as we know it has yet to see such a thing (we’ll see how Brexit turns out) but Luke did exactly that. And no, sorry fanboys, but The Last Jedi wasn’t a failure in any sense of the word. It grossed over a billion dollars, received critical praise, the DVDs and BluRays sold like hotcakes, and was adored by kids, teenagers, and young adults, the primary audience that Star Wars is for in the first place. And I don’t give a shit what the audience score on RT says, because for one aggregate sites are a blight on film criticism and we went from this;

“Batman v Superman and Suicide Squad are AMAZING, Rotten Tomatoes is biased and paid off by Disney!”

To this...

“Star Wars: the Last Jedi is TERRIBLE, Rotten Tomatoes says so!”

In just over a year. To say nothing of the fact that what you’re currently saying about The Last Jedi was also said about The Empire Strikes, and like ‘Empire’ twenty years from now people will look back on the fanboy outrage and say “Wow, what a bunch of babies.” And before the inevitable response...

“But Solo bombed because of The Last Jedi!” 

Nooooo, Solo bombed because it came out right between Infinity War and Deadpool 2, was rife with development issues since day one of production, it was aimed overwhelmingly at fanboys obsessed with Star Wars deep lore answering questions that the general audience doesn’t give a shit about, nobody was even interested in the thing until the Lego Movie guys were signed on for a hot second, moviegoers aren’t currently hurting for cocky space cowboys...

...and because of the simple fact that it’s a solo movie about Han Solo...and it’s not 1995 and Harrison Ford isn’t in it. See, fanboys don’t realize that just because nerd and geek bullshit is mainstream now doesn’t mean that everyone is now a fanboy deep rooted in everything from where the characters are from to where they’re going, because when people say “I love Star Wars and Han Solo is my favorite character” what the vast majority of them mean is “Those movies with the space wizards and the laser swords are a lot of fun and Harrison Ford is a great movie star.” That’s it. That’s extent of why people like Han Solo. Sad dorks like us may care about stuff like where and when he got the Falcon, how he met Chewie, where the dice came from and all of that and more, but the general audience just wants to see Harrison Ford do cool shit in space. That’s it. To say nothing of the fact that nobody was even interested in the spinoffs in the first place. When Disney announced that they were making episodes 7,8, and 9 everyone went “Oh Hell yes, sign me up!” Then when they followed up with that they were also making spinoff movies about stuff that happened off screen or between movies the same audience was like “Oh...well that’s neat, I guess.”

And no, that stupid fanboy boycott had nothing to do with. Even the dude who started that petition to strike TLJ from canon admitted that he was in a bad place and that he was being stupid and angry, and I can promise you that all the shrieking dorks on Youtube are the buzzing of flies to Disney. If that crowd had any box office and movie making decision influence whatsoever, the next spinoff we’d see a trailer for would be “My Twi’lek Waifu: a Star Wars Story.”

PewDiePie is the worst thing to happen to video games this side of the gaming crash of 83 and he needs to fuck off

Yes, you read that right, and I don’t say that lightly. All sorts of terrible things have happened in the gaming industry since the gaming crash of 83. The console wars, the Atari Jaguar, the Philips CDi, Jack Thompson, the death of the Dreamcast, WoW, an entire console generation packed to the gills with homogenous gray and brown shooters with protagonists who all looked the fucking same, GamerGate, microtransactions, DLC abuse, the death of Maxis, an increasingly toxic fandom, “women are too hard to animate,” the degradation of E3 from a showcase of the biggest and bestest in gaming to a corporately sponsored circlejerk of self congratulatory backslapping and so much, much more.

I don’t care how much PewDiePie gives to charity, or how many fans he has, or how many people think he’s just the greatest, because he’s not. He’s an embarrassing, stupid asshole who constantly gets busted for making stupid racist jokes and by extension making his fans and everyone who has even the vaguest ties to the word ‘gamer’ look like stupid, racist assholes. He’s a corporate ass sucking apologist who gives exposure to anti Semites and racist wastes of space to his audience of mostly 10 to 15 year old boys, and he’s more terminally obnoxious than an Adderall addicted Pomeranian. 

The day he posted his first video of him overreacting to a jump scare while making loud screeching noises on top of edgy rape jokes was the day the progress of “gaming as an art form” was shot between the eyes, placed in a box that was then filled with concrete, and thrown into the ocean. He’s a dumbass man child that’s making all of us look bad and he needs to take his millions worth of corporate sponsorships and fuck off forever into some dark, lonely corner of the Internet where he’ll never be seen or heard from again until an inevitable meltdown that lands him on an episode of Down the Rabbit Hole.

And that concludes this post. I’ll give my final thoughts tomorrow, and on Saturday I’m closing this account forever.

#unpopular opinion

[coeurdastronaute]

Essays in Existentialism: Stud Pride

“Once again, Clarke, I would have gladly pimped you out much earlier if it meant you’d secure us access to a private jet on demand.”

Across from her friend, Clarke smiled to herself as she watched the clouds slip by outside of the window. It was early, but the sky was so blue, and the clouds were spotty, showing off the passing country below.

“You’re different,” Raven mused as she sipped her mixed drink.

“I’m not.”

“You are,” she teased with a mischievous grin. “You’re awfully happy. And oddly calm about dating someone who just gives you their jet for the weekend.”

“I’m dating someone with a jet,” Clarke shrugged. “I have to be okay with it.”

“The last time we were here, I asked if you were in love.”

“I remember.”

Clarke sipped her drink and let out a long sigh before finally facing her friend. She didn’t want to admit that she was different, but two years with Lexa was enough to change her, just as she was certain Lexa wasn’t the same as when they met. They both grew, and for Clarke, a certain comfortableness grew and blossomed.

“You’re calm and confident. Happy. Just… content,” Raven observed. “I like it. Looks good on you. Dating a billionaire must be good for your health.”

“Stop calling her that.”

“Your girlfriend is in London, and gave us her private plane to use so we could go to Miami for Pride and spend the week basking in the sun in a penthouse room at a swanky hotel. She’s a billionaire.”

“To be fair, we own the hotel,” Alexander Woods piped up, leaning forward from his seat a few rows back and to the left. “It doesn’t cost her anything.”

“Your girlfriend owns a hotel,” Raven nodded.

“Please don’t encourage her,” Clarke rolled her eyes at her girlfriend’s father.

“Am I a power bottom or a service top?” Aden asked as he flipped through a magazine.

“If you’re anything like your sister, you’re a power top,” Raven muttered, earning a pillow tossed from her friend.

“You can be whatever you want, son.”

“This is going to be a long week,” Clarke sighed again.

In truth, she was only a little sad. It was plainly because she missed her girlfriend, and as much as she enjoyed Alex and Aden, they just reminded her that Lexa was missing from the equation. They were poor substitutes, but fun enough additions.

The plane continued on its journey, cutting across the eastern seaboard in hopes of finding beautiful beaches and a gay ol’ time. What began as an off-handed idea of Raven and Clarke going somewhere for a weekend suddenly erupted into a pilgrimage. And it would have involved Lexa, had the meeting not popped up so rudely.

“We’re not here to cramp your style, you know,” Alex offered. “Just hitching a ride to the Keys for a few weeks.”

“I can’t let you apologize to me for letting us use your plane. This is seriously more than I could have ever dreamed,” Clarke chuckled. “I’m hardly doing you a favor.”

“Putting up with us is enough.”

“Easier than your daughter.”

“She is a handful, isn’t she?”

They shared a conspiratorial look and smiled at the idea of the hellion they both oddly missed and wished was around to embarrass. Instead, Clarke watched Raven watch the clouds and play on her phone intermittently.

“You know, you never finished telling me about your plans,” Alex offered, taking his whisky as the stewardess passed.

“Just a lot of beach and sun and pool,” Clarke smiled. “And we have some friends who live down there who invited us for some festivities.”

“I have to admit, I’ve never been to a Pride celebration.”

“They’re more fun if your girlfriend shows up.”

“We’re unveiling new initiatives and scholarships for minorities. I should do some research.”

“I know exactly where you can start,” Raven piped up, suddenly interested and with a mischievous smile. That was her permanent state at that point. Clarke tried to give her a look, but it went ignored.

“Curiosity and such,” he nodded, clinking his glass with their’s.

“To Pride,” Raven cheersed back.

“What could go wrong?”

“I could get used to this,” Raven sighed as she adjusted in her lawn chair, soaking up the sun and enjoying the warmth.

Just this morning they were in New York and complaining about the heat. Now, they were sunbathing on a rooftop pool deck and loving the feel of the oppressive warmth. A private jet is an amazing thing.

“Don’t,” Clarke warned. “We can’t keep accepting things from Lexa.”

“Why?”

“Because I can’t pay her back.”

“You’re in a relationship. You don’t have to pay her back.”

“I don’t like getting used to it.”

“You have to at some point,” Alex interjected, lifting his sunglasses only to wipe some of the water from his face.

Sometimes, Clarke was absolutely blown away by Lexa’s family. Her father reminded her of one of those old time actors who grew older but still remained insanely hot. She certainly could understand Raven’s weird infatuation; at least to a degree. But he also was so amazingly down to earth that it reminded Clarke of her own father, and his straight-to-the-point wisdom.

Aden splashed into the pool again, never tiring as he came up and grabbed a raft.

“I’ve gotten better,” Clarke assured him. “It’s still a little weird when your girlfriend tells you to take the jet to her penthouse on the beach.”

“Yeah, I’d imagine.”

“We’re not allowed to spend money on ourselves,” Aden offered. “We don’t waste it. Lexa loves you. It makes her feel good to do things for you.”

“That’s true. It’s purely selfish at this point,” the father agreed.

“I swear to God, I have to figure out a way to marry into this family,” Raven muttered to herself.

Clarke laughed to herself and watched the boys play in the pool for a few minutes, mulling over what they said, though she didn’t get long, as her phone began to ring and a familiar picture flashed on the screen letting her know who it was.

“Hey,” she smiled, her cheeks instantly growing wide at just the thought of her girlfriend’s voice.

“I am so sorry my family added themselves to your weekend. We’re nothing but genetically predisposed to interrupting and annoying everyone around us--”

“Hey, I’m great. Thank you so much for the trip. This place is beautiful. How are you?”

“Oh, right, yeah, that stuff. I kind of jumped right in, huh?” Lexa worried, her voice a little tighter, her words a little quicker than normal.

“You did.”

“Sorry. I was in meetings, and I just caught up on everything.”

“Don’t worry. We’re going to take them with us.”

“What?” Lexa bulked. Clarke wouldn’t know it, but she literally paused with the new information, halting her long stride through a distant subway station, interrupting the flow of pedestrians with the notion of her father and brother celebrating the gayest month of the year with her girlfriend on a beach.

None of it added up.

“Your dad and brother are just joining us for Pride.”

“Wow. That’s… wow.”

“I like your family.”

“You’re not obligated to humor them. I set this up for you and Raven. I don’t want you to feel--”

“Lex, breathe,” Clarke chuckled. “We’re having a good time. They’re just pushing their trip to the Keys by a few days. No big deal. Relax.”

“Are you sure?”

“If only you were here, it’d be perfect.”

“Don’t get sappy on be, Griffin.”

“I wouldn’t dream of it.”

“I got called Dad like sixteen times,” Alex shook his head as he grabbed another piece of pizza.

“You got called Daddy,” Raven corrected. “There is a huge difference.”

“It did seem like a compliment,” he nodded.

Stretched out on the living room floor of the penthouse suite, the odd unit filled their bellies with greasy food to combat the inevitably sugary drink hangovers that awaited them after a night of fun on the beach at parties no one ever expected to see Alexander Woods, CEO and Owner of Woods Industries, hanging out at.

Groggy-eyed and exhausted from a long night of video games, Aden enjoyed seeing the adults in his life a little off-center. Something about it was so affirming and oddly normal about the idea of never growing up. Completely unable to keep both eyes open, slurring their words, with no filters, it was fantastic.

“You’re a catch,” Clarke promised, mouth full, though she tried to cover it as best she could. “You’d clean up if you decided to try out guys. Or girls again.”

“Oh no,” he blushed and shrugged.

“Yeah, Dad, you never really told me why you haven’t dated again,” Aden realized, suddenly confronted with the idea.

Raven’s eyes grew wide as she looked at Clarke. Pride had been amazing. It’d been a party and an event and so much fun. This seemed new. Gently setting down his pizza, the patriarch swallowed and avoided looking at his son.

“I was already in love once,” he shrugged finally, though it looked like he debated many more words.

Never in her life, would Clarke have imagined that this was where her life would lead her. But sitting on the floor with the ocean and skyline as her view, just beyond her own personal infinity pool, with one of the richest men on the planet and her best friend, she didn’t have time to question it at all.

“You can still date. Me and Lexa won’t care. We just want you to be happy,” his son promised, nonchalant and Clarke understood that this family was emotional deficient, but trying. It was genetic.

“This is goddamn adorable. Why can’t you be older?” Raven lamented, almost on the edge of tears. “Why can’t you be younger?” she accused the father, earning a few laughs.

“I think Aden’s onto something,” Clarke tried. “Lexa just wants you to be happy.”

“I am,” Alex smiled thoughtfully. “You all might not get to understand it, but I was so madly and truly in love with another person. She was my best friend. She was my heartbeat and breath. I can’t think of anyone else. I’ve tried. Plus, my kids need me.”

“Goddammit that’s fucking adorable,” Raven grunted, wiping away her eyes.

“Oh my God,” Clarke sighed. “That’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard.”

“I only got it for what felt like a second,” he continued, grabbing another piece of pizza, not even aware that he was unlocking the universe for all hinging upon his words. “But I bet it always feels like that. Two months or sixty years. You find the love, and it’s never enough, but it sustains me now.”

“You could still date. What’s it called?” Aden furrowed. “Companionship? You have to have someone to hang out with when I leave to go to college.”

“I’ll get a dog.”

“Are you crying?”

“I’m fine,” Clarke lied, wiping her cheeks, much worse off than Raven, who now was curled up on the edge of the couch, cradling her crust.

“You’re crying,” Aden realized, growing worried.

“I just miss Lexa,” she sniffled. “I really love her, you know?”

The father and son nodded, not sure what to do. Aden hadn’t learned it yet, but he took this education as best he could, that after two in the morning, the weepy part of a drunk girl party was inevitable.

“We know,” Alex promised.

“I think I love her like you did your wife.”

“Oh.”

Dark green eyes grew wide at the realization. He looked at Clarke and searched her face, noticing the familiar fear and love all mingling together behind glassly blue eyes.

“I love her so much.”

“Thank God,” Aden grunted, handing over a blanket for her to clean up with, nothing else in his reach could help. “She’s nuts about you.”

“I just miss her so much, and I love hanging out with you guys, but you make me miss her more because she’s not here, and she would love Pride. She loves to dance. I love dancing with her.”

The rambling continued, and Alex ate his pizza slower, still dizzy from the booze and his own foray into dancing. Aden tried to cheer Clarke up, though nothing worked.

“I know,” he tutted, giving her a bottle of water.

“I miss her so mu--”

Before Clarke could finish, she locked eyes with Lexa, or at least who she thought was Lexa. She squinted and turned around after staring at the reflection, afraid of seeing that no one was there.

But she was.

“I’m drunk, but Aden, tell me I’m not making this up,” Clarke whispered, slowly standing up in a drunken stumble of an attempt.

“Thank goodness,” he sighed. “I thought I was going to have to take care of them all myself. I’m never drinking.”

“Sorry,” Lexa smiled, dropping her bag. “Delayed because of traffic. Apparently Pride means streets are fabulously closed.”

“Lexa!” her father cheered. “I’m a daddy. Aden is very straight. I’m on the fence, honestly.”

She couldn’t look at her father though. Lexa just stared at Clarke and held her arms open, amused at the state of affairs of the festivities.

“I leave you alone and you’ve got my dad contemplating his sexuality.”

“Everyone is just so pretty,” he defended himself.

“We’ll talk about it in the morn--”

Before she could finish, Clarke pounced, climbing right over the couch and leaping over a sleeping Raven. Her arms wrapped around Lexa’s neck and squeezed. Despite the smell of vodka and pizza and sweat and Pride, Lexa hugged her girlfriend and closed her eyes, melting into it as she wrapped her arms around her ribs and inhaled her neck.

“I love you so much,” Clarke mumbled.

“I love you too.”

“I think I made your dad a little Bi. I’m sorry.”

“That’s okay. He’s always had a crush on Burt Reynolds.”

“Oh, Burt. Yeah. Forgot about him,” Alex nodded.

Lexa shook her head and hugged her girlfriend tighter. She felt like a real person again, and she wasn’t sure how the difference existed, or how she didn’t feel it until it was dispelled, but right there, with Clarke crying against her shoulder and hugging her tightly, Lexa felt whole.

[atleastputinsomeeffortinuroc]

Rant/Review: Ready Player One --aka-- Just Watch Wrinkle in Time Instead...

I don’t usually hate movies. 

I know that seems backwards considering that this blog is me complaining and ranting incoherently about movies I don’t like, but very few movies leave me seething. Even all of the Detective Conan movies, which are mostly terrible pieces of garbage, I don’t necessarily hate. Red Crimson Letters is a terrible waste of time and energy, but I wasn’t insulted or felt talked down to. It was just a really bad movie I wanted to talk about.

In my life, there have only been three movies who have truly enraged me. “Batman v Superman,” “Joy,” and “War for the Planet of the Apes.” 

Objectively, there are aspects that are genuinely good in all of them and are definitely better than I probably give them credit for...but I doubt it, but they just flare up an anger in me for one reason or another. They’re permanently on my “fuck that movie” list. And now…now there’s another entrant to that prestigious list.

Ready Player One.

My GOD. THIS was the book everyone’s been talking about? THIS is supposed to be the fucking bible of pop culture?! THIS MOVIE?! THE ONE THAT UNIRONICALLY HAS THE PHRASE SPOKEN BY HUMAN VOCAL CHORDS “FANBOYS ALWAYS KNOW A HATER?!!” ARE YOU GUYS--…ok. Ok, I need to calm down. 

There are several, several, SEVERAL parts about this movie that don’t work, and I could go into a lot of the problems, but instead I’m going to try to talk about three aspects of the film. And for the sake of me not swearing up and down, we’re not going to talk about that godawful dialogue. Just know that it sucks.)

1) The ham-fisted arc

2) The protagonist and his trophy waifu

3) References over content

There are spoilers ahead, and I’m going to write this with the assumption that you’ve already seen the movie. If you haven’t, you’ve been warned. Anywho, let’s get started. Put on some “a-ha,” break your nostalgia goggles and join me as we go down this road where I collectively shit over Spielberg’s attempt to adapt a supposed “beloved classic.” (CAN YOU TELL I’M MAD?!)

1)     The arc

Here’s the thing with arcs in narratives, and more specifically films. 

They need to feel earned. 

Your central character has gone through a life-altering change or point of view since the beginning of the film due to the adventures and trials had throughout the film. Good examples include “Mad Max: Fury Road” where Max finally lets others into his life and sees the value in not going through life alone as described by the part where he donates his own blood and tells Furiosa his name. Another good example is actually from the Oscar nominee Spielberg had LITERALLY LAST YEAR, “The Post.” In it, Kay Graham finally put her foot down and shows authority by stepping out of her comfort zone to release the Pentagon Papers—damn what the powers that be say. This is important to any narrative because it shows the flaws of your characters through their insecurities and hesitations to make them human rather than movie characters. Even if you have paragon characters like Superman, Wonder Woman, or Batman, they still have to overcome some kind of personal issue that is keeping them from achieving what they’ve wanted.

Now, if you look over to the main character, you can see that his arc was…what is it that was his arc? 

He’s…he’s the same at the beginning as he was at the end. 

“OH BUT HE HAS A PENTHOUSE AT THE END,” yeah that’s not a change. One could argue that the (even though the catalyst for change has no fucking relation to it) arc is about unplugging and enjoying the real world. The bits at the end with Easter Egg man where he starts going on and on and on about how he missed reality or something, and the VERY BRIEF bits at the beginning where you see people all over the VR systems, one of which is the mother neglecting a fire in the house and one where an Asian man almost commits suicide after losing all of his stuff in the game (it’s played for comedy, so THAT’S also pretty fun, because it’s not like Japanese suicide rates are a serious issue or anything OH WAIT.) So it’s about being close to reality and unplugging. Ok. Coolio.

But here’s the thing, similar to “War for the Planet of the Apes”…YOU HAVEN’T EARNED IT. There are brief moments where it kind of alludes to it (see the middle challenge with ‘oh yes, I should have kissed the girl during the Shining’ and the small bit at the middle where the main two are sitting there and the main dude has ONE HALF-ASSED LINE about how “it’s nice here. It’s slower,”) but that’s IT. It doesn’t actually give you a reason to think that staying in the Oasis and avoiding reality is a BAD thing. Sure you have abusive father obsessed with getting high scores but he’s just one dimensional asshole dad who dies and you don’t give a shit about it one second later after his parental figures are killed. 

There are no real CONSEQUENCES to spending too much time in the Oasis, it’s just because he’s good at the game. And if there are, they sure as hell aren’t focused on in favor of mindless spectacle (which looks REALLY BAD by the way. I know it’s supposed to look fake because video game, but do the main characters have to use the ugliest models in existence?!) As such, the ending and central arc of learning is lost.

So what’s the arc? Well…there is none. Nothing is really learned, nothing is really gained that MATTERS aside from the keys to Willy Wonka’s goddamn chocolate factory. 

Z or Perzival or Wade or generic-white-gamer-boy learns all of fucking NOTHING by the end. (As such, it makes the ending where he says “EVERYONE HAS TO BE OFF ON TUESDAYS AND THURSDAYS” come off as BULLshit.)

But no, this is clearly the Spielberg classic. It’s not like Indiana Jones learned anything in the Last Crusade as a character only he totally fucking DID, HE LEARNED TO RESPECT AND LOVE HIS FATHER WHO HE PREVIOUSLY DESPISED AND THE IMPORTANCE OF—sorry. Sorry I’m getting a bit mad again.

Anywho, due to a lack of a real arc, it makes you think that the entire fucking plot was pointless. It was just inevitable that the good guy win because…well he’s the main character. He doesn’t say anything about anything but is instead dumb fluff, which would be fine…but here’s the thing. It also affects the main characters. And it affects them HARD.

2)     Tweedledee and Tweedledumbass

The two main characters have no personality or character due to this lack of an arc.

The main man, Wade, his personality is…what exactly? He’s just generic hero-boy who is obsessed with the 80s. “He’s like a regular Star-Lord!” I hear you say, only he totally fucking isn’t. Starlord has baggage, has character has points and instances that stretch BEYOND just quoting 80’s movie and saying the actual phrase that a screenwriter actually wrote down and didn’t immediately delete that went “FANBOYS ALWAYS KNOW A HATER” NO I AM NOT OVER IT.

...Point is, the references don’t make Star-Lord who he is, it’s the character of Peter Quill himself. Cocky, brash, and in many ways, a child running from his past. 

As for Wade, he’s got nothing. I’ve looked over this sometimes, depending on the writing or the situation, so maybe it wouldn’t bother me so much, but the actor who plays him isn’t doing a good job. I know I don’t talk about acting a lot, but the man…the man is just whining through his lines. He comes off as insufferable with his needless 80’s knowledge that I was genuinely rooting for the one-dimensional villain to kill that fucking brat.

Then we have Artemis or Samantha or Sam or its-the-pixie-cut-rebel-chick.  

There are several scenes that are etched into my brain now (including a FUCKING NUT-SHOT AND A PASSWORD FOR A HUMAN ADULT THAT IS “B055MAN69.” IN A SPIELBERG MOVIE. THE MAN WHO MADE INDIANA JONES AND SCHINDLER’S LIST.), but one of the big ones is the final image of the film in which the main character in his 80’s man-boy cave spins around with his beautiful woman sitting in his lap as they suck face as the line “reality is pretty awesome anyway” or something like that. Aside from the main character not earning that statement as previously stated…fucking let’s look at it for what it is.

The man just won a real-life walking-talking waifu. A trophy wife that he wins at the end of the game.

She’s what probably made me see through the movie the most honestly. She makes this big fucking deal about “oh, but I’m not who you think I am on the outside, I’m not pretty” and then when you go outside to the real world, of course she’s the fucking gorgeous Hollywood white girl—she just has a goddamn birthmark on her eye to be her “blemish.”

“Oh but she’s insecure about it,” I hear you say--I’m sorry, but you mean to tell me NOBODY told her she’s fine and beautiful with the eye-mark BEFORE Wade? You mean to tell me she’s insecure, but not insecure enough to feel the need to buy fucking MAKE-UP!? I’m not saying that she needs it, I’m saying that the character’s central flaw is the WEAKEST FUCKIN FLAW I HAVE EVER SEEN. YOU WANNA CHANGE THE GAME, QUASIMODO THAT SHIT. 

THEN, and this part was just fucking HILARIOUS to me, she mentions about how the ioi company fucking KILLED HER FATHER in a workshop and she has to stop him for revenge…and then it’s totally dropped. Like it’s never mentioned by the end. At all. She chucks a grenade into Mechagodzilla to kill the bossman but fuck me if it ain’t satisfying and adds physically NOTHING to her character.

Her character exists for one purpose. She is the love interest who sets the main character off on his journey. Nothing more. And I say that, because SHE’S THE CATALYST FOR HIM FINDING THE FIRST KEY. She tells him something that reminds him of something that solves the puzzle. And what’s more, I am willing to bet that THAT’S the reason they kept her Hollywood pretty. Because you need to have an attractive romantic love interest to keep the audience pleased. 

Now apparently, she does more in the movie than she does in the book. And that’s great. That’s super. She’s the one breaking in to destroy the d20 of doom. Hell yeah I guess. But I also don’t care. You wanna know why? BECAUSE I AM NOT READING THE BOOK. Superficial changes that improve certain aspects doesn’t make the movie better than it is. It’s like polishing a fucking turd. Yeah, it’s nicer than what you had, but you are still making me hold this piece of dogshit.

They don’t have characters. They don’t have chemistry BECAUSE they don’t have characters. It’s a fucking wash.

3) Drowning in References

But now we talk about the big one. The big fucking thing that everyone and their mother is obsessing about this movie over. And the thing that has gotten me from not liking this movie to fucking DESPISING it.

The references.

To quote from people who will be seeing the movie in the theater *ahem*...

“OHMYGOD IS THAT TRACER?! OH AND IT’S HARLEY AND THE JOKER! OH! OH! OH! IRON GIANT! HALO! BORDERLANDS! BACK TO THE FUTURE! BATMAN—FUCKING IT’S THE BATMAN! THEY MENTIONED THRILLER! THAT’S PRINCE! STREET FIGHTER! MECHA-GODZILLA FIGHTING GUNDAM! MINECRAFT! NINJA TURTLES! FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH! STAR TREK! FIREFLY! THE SHINING! IT’S FUCKING CHUCKY!!!”

…Ok? So what?

Not to be a snob, but seriously—so what? Why does it matter?

Listen, I like crossovers too. I remember the Avengers and what a big goddamn deal it was, and how it made everyone’s jaw drop to the ground, and how in some ways, it still does. But whereas with those it felt organic, Ready Player One with its ninety thousand references felt…empty.

I’m going to bring out two comparisons to the table that do the same thing that Ready Player One did, “Who Framed Rodger Rabbit?” and “Wreck-It Ralph.” Both had pop-culture icons throughout them. One had all of the classic cartoons all spliced together—where you saw Daffy Duck and Donald Duck in the same shot having a dual piano-off. One of them had all of these video game characters that you loved and embraced since you were a kid, running around and hanging out ala “Toy Story.” These big names are all in the background, just like Ready Player One, but they’re clearly different in terms of execution. Why is that?

Well it’s because the movies weren’t reliant on them. Sure, Rodger Rabbit had fun moments with these big names, but if you took them out and animated totally new characters with similar personalities, what would you lose? Nothing. The plot is the same, the dynamics are the same, and it can still be seen as a salute to the classic animations from back in the day to also an allegory for the Jim Crowe era just as the book intentionally was. Same goes for Wreck-it Ralph, the character goes through a fundamental change that has him accepting who he is and how “there’s nobody else I’d rather be, than me” ALL THE WHILE paying respects to classic arcade video games.

The same can’t be said for Ready Player One. The instant you take away the pop-culture references, the movie loses its protective suit of armor to reveal it’s about…nothing. 

It is. 

Nothing. 

The generic quest, the generic corporate baddie, the generic love interest, the main character has nothing to say, and the conflict is revealed to be flat—nothing about it sticks out or makes an impression.

And if you fail to make an impression without a fucking suit pop-culture references then, well, if I may use a pop-culture quote myself...“If you’re nothing without the suit, then you shouldn’t have it.”

Plain and simple.

But then…there’s the one thing I can’t really debate. 

“It’s just fun though, right?”

Yeah sure. I’ll admit around that third act, even though it was long overdrawn, I had fun watching the violence and references I understood while they blasted “We’re Not Gonna Take It” in the background.

But y’know what? It was just about as enjoyable as seeing someone adapt a piece of shitty fanfiction, because both have one thing in common for everything that they do: It’s just there for fan service. If you make the statement “well the Oasis is cool,” then you’ve clearly missed the point because you don’t like the movie, you like it’s gimmick. And it’s gimmick exists—it’s called VR Chat.

Meanwhile, screenwriters of different backgrounds, ethnicities, genders and religions from everywhere across the world are actually putting EFFORT into their screenwriting and directing. And while their action scenes for their blockbuster idea may not be perfect, they at least tried and did something new with it.

I went to see “Wrinkle in Time” today after I’d seen Ready Player One yesterday, needing to see literally anything good. And yeah, it’s not perfect. It’s got some stilted dialogue and some questionable acting on nearly all fronts at points and the conflict can be about as cliched as you can imagine, but the visuals, the costume design—you could tell everyone cared and put a goddamn effort into everything put forth. It’s much more gorgeous than the downright UGLY CG that was in the Oasis world in Ready Player One, and I guarantee you nobody had the phrase “B055MAN69” anywhere. It didn’t pander to kids or guys who wanted to feel validated for knowing a couple references. It wanted to tell the story of fighting back evil and hatred by embracing love. It’s cheesy and sappy…but fuck me, if it didn’t try to say something while having fun.

But fuck that movie right? We have Iron Giant fighting Mechagodzilla. 

If you have that, then why bother putting in effort?

That’s what kills me. It’s lazy and people praise it because it just stuck pop-culture words in a fucking blender. Don’t call it innovative. Don’t call it original. Don’t call it anything than what it is.

80’s. Prepubescent. Fucking. Fanfiction.

You can love it and enjoy it if you want, I mean I don’t like not liking movies. It sucks. And in some aspects, I can see why you can if you turn your brain off but…I’m not gonna lie, to see this get away with murder insults me.

Listen, I love Spielberg. There is nobody I respect more in the business. His work in AI, and the reason why he did so to keep a dying friend’s vision alive will always keep him as one of my personal heroes but…sometimes you gotta call people out when they make shit. And I am.

I don’t care what anyone says, don’t see Ready Player One. Watch something worthwhile. Go to Netflix and watch “Stranger Things” if you’ve got that need for an 80′s kick, or hell--”Blade Runner 2049″ is a visual goddamn MARVEL. Go see “The Post” or “Jaws” if you want some good Spielberg. Just PLEASE! Go see something that isn’t just a bunch of references that almost feel as though it’s a remake of “ctrl+alt+del.” 

(Random aside, people have told me to read the original book...but if that fucking thing is ANYTHING like this movie, I’d rather BURN IT than let it get one inch into my house. So no, I’m not going to read the book even if there are claims that it’s “better.” (Even though I believe that it’s impossible to say a book is better than it’s adaptation or vice versa because it’s two different mediums and as such it’s hardly fair, but that’s a whole other thing.) Point is, I’ve never been more turned off to a book in my godddamned life and I ain’t gonna bother.)

#ready player one #ready #player #one #review #long post #rant #movie #film #spielberg #steven spielberg #wrinkle in time #angry rant #movies #films #pop culture #80s #nostalgia #issues #issue #mad #wade #wade watts #artemis #ernest clline #ernest #cline #perzival #z

[sun-downer]

Why are there so many fucking fancy ass cars parked in this mother? Fucking broke ass building parking lot. The APM Debbie's out 30 cars in his goddamn parking lot. Oh, so first of all, you were allowed to pass a police car. Second of all, no one has ever been pulled over by a Patty wagon. No offense, but what the fuck?

God damn it. That was energy. Holy shit. That's a lot for Monday morning. Hey everybody. What up? It's the no offense, but what the fuck podcast? I'm your host? Marvin Martinez. And as always my future ex-husband is with me a bunch of Agra. How are you doing? Until I got

Yeah. That's just, that's just what happens when you go to Japan, people just, it's just what everybody does. Speaking of perfect hair. Uh, Maki, Kaji, the godfather of Sodoku died at 69. He nailed it. 69. Oh shit. Yeah. He was good with numbers. He was good. He's like, I'm going to go out on a math joke. Oh yeah.

And you know what? The next one's pretty hard to get four twenties, pretty hard to reach. Even for like Japanese people. Cause you know like this. Yeah. Japanese, you wouldn't refer about your Japanese people. What are we doing here? Let's see. I gotta, I gotta Google up the Google. I get the joke about them.

Right? We used to be allies where you, are you going to teach the history? No, but Japan and in Japan. You guys bombed Japan because they were part of like our crew, basically. Like they were homeys with the Nazis. Yeah. Yeah. Also not read, they would do known thing, but you know, they were also homeless. They were like, what up respect, yo shit.

What do you respect the most about, uh, the Japanese? What do you it currently? I like historically. Oh, overall, just Metta overall. Hmm. I guess I do love, I dunno, respect, but I love that. Like people in Japan tend to be very, very, like, let's not, let's not be seen when they're on the outside. Right. They just like try to behave in a way that nobody looks at them.

But then once you get to the house, they have like the weirdest hobby. Yeah, I collect pickled eggs. I have a whole two apartment bedroom, two bedroom apartment, and like one bedroom. It's only two collecting pickles. Yeah,

I get it. I got stint. You know, who else has says they got soldier boy claimed to own a tare and a tar. He said, that's the how corporations work, dude. I sit in the subway in the morning and I'm about to read me this manga. That's all about weird team and girls that are formed it in 20, but look 12 sniffing each other's hands.

And I'm gonna just read that shit out in the open. That's what I. I did that. Uh, I did that D and D that's my that's my group. I started a girl band idol group of bards as like, you know what, I'm not, I'm going to, they're not going to play the backing music. They're going to actually know how to play instruments.

You know what I'm saying? Uh, let's see what else happened, Taliban? Uh, Taliban said women should stay home because soldiers aren't trained to respect them.

And, and the other women said fine, but, uh, you can't be subscribed to early fans anymore. So you do know that. I don't know, am I the only person on the planet who kind of looks at the Taliban and goes like, you know what good for you guys? Like, I know you're doing a horrible, I mean, it's going to be horrible for a lot of people, but good on you.

I don't know. You beat you beat America, dude, whatever. Like, you know, you guys just stuck to your shit. You're like, no, we want to miss treat our women. We will not have this weird women human rights, bullshit. We will stone the gays get out. You know what Taliban, I respect your Fortnite strategy. You stuck around and you, you, you went to the MPC that told you where the last storm circle was.

And you found that perfect Bush in the last spot. And you just waited in that Bush full shield, full health, just a fucking desert Eagle in your hand, just waiting for that last guy, crouched, you sat there for 35 fucking minutes in that Bush, and then Taliban, you came out of that Bush and you shot the last guy left.

When he, when he was like, there is no other earthly goddamn place this guy could be, why would any shitbag be hiding in a Bush? You come out of that Bush and shoot that guy in the face. Taliban. Good on you. I know, right? Like, holy shit. They took their time. They waited it out, but then they were like, you know what?

No, now the shit, I just read something about it tomorrow, today in the morning, I didn't actually pay attention. Well, I just saw like a headline that I already forgot, but I think now they own all of Ghana's Stan. Again, like they're in control of that. Ooh, getting this sweet, sweet drama. I like, Hey, this, ah, shit, shit.

I'm so pissed. Fuck you guys on there. Is that place ever going to not have war? Like, is that going to happen within like the next 50?

But it doesn't matter what they're fighting over. It's just sand. Yeah. More fun stuff. Leaders of the proud boys centers of five months in jail says, uh, he only got five months. Cause you promise to only burn American flags from now on, um, black lives matter flag. He was, he was charged for burning a black lives matter flag and having high capacity ammunition, route, uh, devices when asked why he needed so many bullets.

He said, my penis is really tiny and I want to look really cool. Is that what he says? And the store only gave out ammo in two sizes, mother issues and compensate for something. And they were fresh out of, I didn't kill my wife. So did he actually say. Ah, damn cause that was

like this guy rules, dude, and all this shit. But wait, one of the, that doesn't mean that this is true. This is true. What convicted? He stood up in the courtroom, pointed up the FBI and screamed. I learned it from me. He actually had a turns out. He had a long history of snitching for the FBI. Actually. He was actually a snitch.

Yeah. Okay. But like, hold on. So one of those isn't there, right? No, but wait a second, one more riff. I like, I like, I, I did research cause you showed me the German article. I was like, they were so tame about it. It was like two, it was like two paragraphs. I click on the Miami news top new times. And it's like a, it's like a five page, like origin story.

Like he's like a bro. And it's like, he's like all American Dan and they use like a good picture of him. It's hilarious. It's so it's the only article about this to where it's not him wearing a flak jacket, like ready to just like shoot anybody. Like, wait, actually anybody. I, I need to get this, this, this bothers me too much right now is burning a BLM flag, a crime

bullets. Cause like I get, if he doesn't, if he's not allowed to have those bullets, I fine. Burning a flag. Is, is that an issue because like I'll burn a flag today. Uh, they burned a bit, I think, I think burning black lives matter, like it was considered like a hate crime, but I don't think they could, I don't think the ground for that was actually like, I think they tried to get them for a hate crime on that.

I don't actually okay. Fucking Australia news. Thanks for not giving me that's where the German newspaper was tamed because they actually stay objective. They only reported the facts and none of the like, like anecdotal bullshit. So it only turned out to be two paragraphs it's like, yo, this white supremacist called Luis Herrera or whatever it is.

Yeah. Uh, douche bag, Mick douchey, dag bag pants has been sentenced to 155 days in prison by a quarter in Washington, confess a pro. He could fast to property damage and possession of weapons, weapon accessories in the proceedings. Uh, the remainder of the sentence under 85 days will be suspended for a three-year period.

He didn't bring his own flag. He just burned one. That was somewhere okay. That, that I get that there's no, there's no, there's a mention of a flag. That's the property damage and nothing else makes any sense. So I feel like if he burns somebody else's flag. Yeah. That's a problem. But if I buy a BLM flag and I want to burn it, I will.

God damn do. So that is within my rights.

You know what I mean? Yeah. I'll burn it. I'll I'll dance on top of it. I'll do it exactly. As Ms. Gatsby says

that was a perfect, my mouse died right. When I was trying to get to the truth. Let's see. Okay. Let's see what he does. Yeah. Uh, so he has to pay a thousand dollars fine and $345 compensation to the, to the church that had, uh, property damage. He was involved with the burning of a, of a banner. It wasn't a flag.

It was a banner that was stolen from the church by members of his group. So he's getting sued for property damage. It's not because it's a crime it's property damage, but the article is misleading in that way. Then the one that you read before was like, well, he's in jail for burning a black lives matter.

It's not that it was misleading. It's that they weren't directly like laying out. Like if the second paragraph what he's fucking is, you know, it didn't say anything about thousand dollars and all this bullshit. No, but it did say at that I was summarizing, I wasn't actually reading that article when I said that.

Oh, okay, cool. So you just insinuated that you asshole, he's proud to be a boy. No. The article was in Sydney, winning that they kept like they're doing this weird moral argument thing. And I was like, okay, fuck up and tell him what the fuck is happening. So he just admitted to it and yeah. Yeah, yeah. So he admitted to it in an interview with the Washington post and then they arrested him.

Cool. I'm good with that. Yeah. So it's bullets, by the way, you shouldn't burn black lives matter flags, but if it's your own thing, you can burn stuff that belongs to you. That's what you choose to do with your property. Do whatever the fuck you want. Like you can have, you can go buy a PlayStation five and burn it for like Tik TOK content.

I'm okay with that. That's all I'm trying to say here, not big enough. Tik TOK content soldier. Boy did actually literally claimed T O and Atari on his, uh, I think it was Instastory or tech dog or something. And, uh, he like showed his contract. Everyone's like, uh, you don't know how to fucking read. You just have a million dollar contract with a target, Haley about you owning it.

And then Atari, like, they literally were like, yeah, we have a CEO. Uh, we're a corporation. We have like a board of C like, go, like, that's not how companies work. I've had, he like ripped up the contract like a day later. And, uh, well actually it turns out Atari ripped up the contract after they found out soldier, boy has less than 4,000 people watching his IQ.

There are only, there are only 3,500 people watching his IgG live, where he was like, fuck you at tiring. Like, what's you, you obviously don't have as many fans as you think you do soldier boys. So then again, to be fair, I've only ever watched one single IgG life in my entire life. And it was like a rocket beans thing that were playing hide and seek.

And like everybody that was hiding, um, like had their Instagram feed on. So you could like watch them hiding and then you could on your computer watch, like the, the guy searching for them and shit. So that was fun. And I partook in for like five minutes and playing around with that. And then, yeah, I closed Instagram again.

Cause it's gay. Uh, speaking of gay, Joe, Biden's on the run again. Uh, Joe Biden, uh, apparently apologized to a lab after he made their mini brains go bald because, uh, he was, he was stunning, his white, white nuts. Uh, and, uh, so, and, and the rays from his nuts bounced off of a mirror and bounced into the lab, uh, 12 miles away.

So, uh, he was paying damages. Yeah. They're making many brains and labs and they're starting to see. Yeah. Apparently one of them saw race jumped in front of a train. Um, let's see,

one of them looked upon the United States and its state of affairs and it killed itself. That's beautiful. Uh, that is beautiful. One of 'em, one of them realized it didn't have a cumbersome Dick and murdered itself. Um, one of them woke up and felt like it was female. It shine at itself. One of them, uh, realized it's perpetuating the patriarchy and it's still Rogan.

Uh,

We're coming for you, baby boy, they made, they use a company made, they felt bad for Val Kilmer after his documentary. And they made a, a voice for him based on all of his, uh, you know, performances and stuff. All the speaking of documentaries, I watched some crazy thing on Netflix the other day called the push.

You ever heard of the push to be a poop joke? No, I sorta, it's not, although it is right there, but it's so was this like British mentalist guy and like in the intro, what he does is he has like some dude call into a coffee house and be like, hello, my name is Mr. Police officer. In high ranks of you, whatever.

He gives him like a fake title and fake name, but like he pretends to be a police officer on the phone and the coffee shop workers, like you hustle what up? He's like, oh, do you see a woman dressed like that? And that, and that we, we were told she walked in. He's like, yeah, well you see her having a baby.

That's not her baby. She abducts babies. Dah, dah, dah, dah. What we need you to do is like distract her pretended I'm a call you on your phone. Pretend like you got a call on the landline, get her to get the phone. And then you take the baby and you walk out the store so we can collect the baby. He's trying to see if he can make a person it's not an actual card and was trying to see if he can make the person commit a crime, but just like giving him certain excuses, like, well, I'm talking to the police on the phone.

Do you know that? For sure. You don't know that that's an actual cop. So just like by giving him like an, a story that he has no knowledge about whether or not it's true, he just goes with it because he doesn't, it seems so big that he doesn't want to go against it. So, so, but that was just the big, is it?

Mungus partsy dicks. You know what my boss has got a huge cock. Right. Cause he subscribed to them famous. Yeah. Yeah. Join our picture. Be early, get on the ground floor. Yeah. Well, you'll be the guys that like, look in two years, you want to be the guys where we interrupt the stream or whatever we're doing and go like, oh my God, yo it's Marco HD.

What up my board. Cause like you've been here since day one. So you know, you wait, should we live stream? This? Is that what you're saying? We should maybe start soon. We should get on Twitch to the just talking thing. Maybe. I don't know, maybe, but we'll take them off. It's all set up. It's all set up. Uh, you know, push thing.

What it was about at the end was it was trying to get a guy to commit a murder. Basically. They were trying to get a guy to kill a person. Yeah. Well, everything was acted out, but it was like this gala thing. And they just made him like, get deeper and deeper. Like within like 20 minutes, the guy was hiding a body,

hit a body. He's like, no, look, when the event is over, we'll call his wife. I swear to you. And he's like, oh, that seems fair.

He said, you dropped in front of you. You're not going to call an ambulance. It's not been five minutes. Well, he did yell at me twice. Like they made sure that the guy was kind of an asshole before and shit. And like, they just gave him all these excuses. But yeah, I'm not going to tell you how it ends, but like he's basically gonna, they want him to get to push that guy off of this, like the roof at the end of it all.

That's like the plan here, you know, incriminate himself to a point where he's like, this is the only way out I need to shove this guy. Dude. I don't know, man, if, if, cause like I always imagined myself and like, you know, if, if there's a game show or whatever, like how could I win here? And like in that one, if you, if you go through that at the end, do you like, what does that say about you?

You were willing to kill a guy. You know what I mean? Isn't that sort of like attempted murder because you did think that you were going to kill the guy. That's like the literal that's like intent to murder, I think is, I think it's like a separate crime actually.

That might be like, like if, if it wasn't for like, if they didn't sign that, uh, what's your McCall it, then it's all actors and shit. Yeah. So like, if it, if it was just him by himself, like that's like conspiracy to commit a murder and stuff like that. Yeah. My question is just like, does the fact that it's all actors remove the fact that he was w because, you know, they would, the actor, the actor was never in any danger, you know, by the time that he would have been put, there was never, I'm saying, if you're going to do a show like that or whatever, the, like, you, you have lawyers that make him sign an like, sign, some kind of agreement where it's like, it absolves you of all that kind of, because like you're controlling the situation.

But outside of that, if it, if he was just like, If it was just some dickhead that was like, cause like if it's just somebody manipulating someone into doing something that's, that's Charles Manson. That's why Charles Manson's in jail forever. Yeah. Because he like, you've manipulated people into doing something, but actually doing it himself.

But what I'm saying is do those contracts really absolve him from the fact that he was willing to put a murder, a person? Well, the guy in the documentary, I get that it's legally. So I'm just saying like, it doesn't really though he's absolved because they're all actives and he did that. But, but, but if he figured out, but if he like actually, so catch this, if he some, if somehow for some reason that stunt fell through and he ended up actually literally murdering them, then it's on the production company.

The production company would go to jail. And so like, so like, and so like he might get manslaughter, but he wouldn't get, like, he wouldn't get like homicide he'd get, like, he would get some, like, acting in a way that, that expand it. It's like, look up whatever the it'd be like coerced manslaughter or something, reckless behavior assumption like that, or, yeah, I don't know.

Yeah, we could, we could, uh, I don't know, call a lawyer, find a lawyer, learn Instagram. Let's ask a bunch of murder questions. Yeah. I mean, I don't want to ask a lot of questions about like, um, international waters for when we have our mansion. We can do what we, we can, uh, you can actually find a lawyer that does a free, a free zoom consultation.

Could we get just like Casa is ask him dumb questions. Like, what do I have to do to do a class action? Is it a class action lawsuit? If I want to Sue every, uh, manufacturer of led headlights and uh, backlights cause the lights on the back on the, the brake lights on the back of cop cars are absurdly bright for no reason at all.

Here's my question. If it's just me and Bontrager, and we let's say abductor person, but then we drive out into open waters. What are we legally allowed to do to set human? Just legally, not morally and just hypothetically obviously, but we get married. How long do we have to wait till we get divorced that we can be called ex how long do we have to stay together before it becomes funny.

Funny? Yeah. Like the window is either the shortest divorce. Right. So like within an hour or some shit, just to make it funny, if it's that short, it would just get a node. That's my thing. I think it would get a note. Sure. Yeah. But if it gets to, now we have to go through, we can't go through an actual divorce.

No, but if we get a note, that's what I'm saying. If we get into note, then you're not my area. Oh, you're going to, you're going to sign a prenup then. Cause I think I own more shit. Just signing prenups. We're both signing prenups. No, I wouldn't have a few toilet paper. Oh, I want, uh, at least half of that woodwork behind you, like, come on, I'll take like one of those doors with the weird man on it.

I'll take whatever is weird cars, man doors. That's the one half of the manga that you find back there. And I was not a half colorful, so I thought those were dildos that no that's like mangoes and books and stuff. And, uh, um, right. No, right here is the game of Thrones, but. And their racist, approximations guitar.

For some reason, I don't actually play a guitar, but like, it's here now. So whatever it looks here, you better start playing it. Dude. I'm going to earn enough to do when people come over so I can go like a damn do they do like a two for five to six seconds long thing. And I go like, guys, guys, come on, come on, come on.

I keep forgetting, go to the storage to get my guitars. Cause I have that game where like you can plug in a real guitar.

Use that a problem plugs, plugging things in China wants to restrict the online play of their teenagers, or I think everybody, I'm not sure if it might just be kids, but, uh, yeah. And, uh, and there's, there's a, there's a mass flooding at the borders of everywhere. That's not China, Chinese teenager. So I guess don't really like, they're trying to restrict your place.

So it's like three hours a week of online play and, uh, yeah, the Taliban promises that Chinese teenagers can play as long as they want, if they join us. So, yeah. Cool. They even get like 72 virgins if they do it, right? Yeah. Yeah. They get 72 versions, but yeah, all they have to do is just keep the room clean and promising not to tell mama they are.

Yeah, problem is they don't tell them the other, the 72 virgins, that's just at the Chinese. Compared to sticking in that room with him, basically slave camp. They're all Virgin Virgin. So I heard that you got like a little bit of a class for me, professor Bont, ERG, two more news stories. The, the drug liberation front, uh, was handing out clean heroin to stop overdoses on, uh, Canada's uh, drug overdose day.

That does sound like something Canada wouldn't do. Yeah, because I guess there was like a lot of fentanyl deaths. Don was conflating it saying it was more than COVID deaths. I was like, I don't know about all that. Yeah. She's not the person that I would run to for like factual numbers on things, but who knows?

I don't know. She talks to a lot of guys who knows things. Do you think that people that go to the beaver trap to get drunk and cheap fucking rum or whiskey or like smart people? Is it, was that called the beaver trap? I have no idea, but that was the most Canadian born name I could think of in like, you know, the time I had, Ooh, do you know how to speak French?

Uh, here we go. Wait, chat. So when I point to you, you're going to, you're going to say a thing step, but you get there. Okay. So in Vancouver, a Vancouver man bites dog, it was a police dog, mad bites, police, dog, after screaming.

I think it was cash will reign Supreme. I don't know the CA  the, uh, th the, the cat, the, the, the, the man was a suspected, uh, cat, dog, separatists. I hate those fucking old school. Can't get over, like re mixing some races together. You know, you know how adorable it is when the little kitty cat sleeps on a big dog?

God damn it, dude. I heard, uh, some people, uh, suspect this cause conspiracy theories. They think he was actually a tail disguised as a man in attempt to, uh, wag the police.

like a late night. He's just been bothering me for like the last 20 minutes. And now I just can't now I got it. What is going on here today? All this time. My dog, man, Korea is working on a new gas weapon. I guess he has more than just far it's coming out of there. Am I right guys? I'm all right. Sorry. Okay.

Uh, welcome to news feud. Uh, let's see, take a guess. Uh, today's today's topic things founded, Joe Biden's pockets. Take a guess. What do you think

says is limped on the boat? Uh, no, but we have, uh, rockets, which I guess again, I guess, uh, survey says, oh no dementia pills, but we do have pair of sunglasses, which I get to guess again, um, um, um, nacho cheese chips, but they're, let's see if the board says it. Let's see if the board says it. Survey says, Nope, I see it says another pair of sunglasses, but you'd like to guess again.

It's weird. I don't like it, I guess one more time. Okay. Fine.

Survey says it actually says a third pair of sunglasses. That's ridiculous. Joe, possibly go that he needs that many things last. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Uh, another round new topic. Uh, the topic is we surveyed, we surveyed families all over America and they think the top results in Ryan Reynolds search results are no, no.

We actually actually called Google. We got these straight from Google. I'm kidding. Fuck. Fuck families. So we, uh, these are Ryan Reynolds, Google search results, top search results in the past week. Uh, what let's let's hear a guess about Ryan Raynaud's or things that he himself Googled. Yeah. Yeah. Ryan Reynolds.

Yeah. Ryan rhinos Googled. Okay.

Is there a gluten in water? Is there a gluten in water? Is it on the board? It's a survey says, uh, how to promote aviation gin. Would you like to guess again? How do you become Hugh Jackman? Let's look at the survey survey says, oh, really close. Uh, where does Hugh Jackman live? It's pretty close. Pretty cool.

Pretty good. Pretty good. I want to take one more swing at this. I'm going to take one more second. Here we go. Here we go. Here you go. Why wait? No, no, no, no. I know it now. I know it now. I know it now. Horrible. Romcoms comma who's hiring question mark. Go show me. Survey says, Ooh. It actually says, uh, who is married to Ryan Reynolds.

He needed to know. So

actually, okay. I got one more. I got one more. I got one more in me. Okay. Yeah. How much is Ryan Reynolds worth? He wants a nice, says. Oh, it actually says how many dildos are too many dildos at once.

Uh, festival. Uh, I still believe in having like a John wick room, but just for sex stories. So like a panic room that you deco with some nice led lights, which is full of sensors, man. Shit. Yeah. Like, so you like that game? I made. I think when I, I think when I say paid it up, a woman said family feud and I was like, yeah, I'll make it better.

She didn't know how to write for it. She left like, write the prompts for it. It's like, no, like, stop, like stop getting so hung up on like the new story. Now we have to like, be funny. You're allowed to like, put like gossipy. Yeah. Ryan Reynolds, shit in it. Like, why are we talking about Joe Biden? Um, he's the president like it's topical.

Like it's topical. These people are alive. He's funny. He's weird. I like him. So if you were to do a family feud show about the news, what would you, what would your topic be? We'll just survey topic B oh, COVID no questions. I want to see the world burn. A

Google question is COVID a hoax. And I say maybe. Okay, one last way. Is this the last news story at resident? Yeah. One last news story. Uh, I got here, uh, FTC is investigating McDonald's ice. Uh, the claims that McDonald's ice cream machines are always broken, uh, said all the ice cream machines, I'm always broken.

Like my marriage. Uh, I'm always broken like your marriage. I don't know. FTC side with, McDonald's saying the employees come it's just too sticky to reliably. Make an ice cream. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a problem in Germany to, yeah. Seth Rogen com has gotten stuff. It did get tweeted. Tweeted. If the ice cream machine is broken, what did I just eat?

God doing this again?

I'm right back in it. It's like I left Vietnam just to go back to Florida, but now I'm fighting like a private Alicia somewhere in the woods. Why is this happening? I should put Joe Biden and then I can put anybody in there. Oh,

Oh,

that's nice. All the Steelers happens to win after an, after an, the crazy turnaround at the end, some say they stole it.

I can't. In other news on your German website, Qubole under the tub, uh, under, uh, the Taliban women only expect bad things said women everywhere else. Um, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Tweeted. If women only expect bad things, what did I just eat?

Fucking Seth Rogan. I bet. Like, I bet he here's what happened with that whole James Franco thing, right? The, the James Franco thing, right. You know, the, the, he had this weird school of like hot chicks basically only that he would try to like, Hey, hot chicks, James Franco, like an acting horse or something.

And it was mainly like attractive ladies. And like, he would have like really sexual scenes with him. He was basically just gaslighting them all to fucking him. It was cool. Okay. But then like Seth now, Seth Rogan went like pretty hard to get, but Seth Rogan one's so hard against it after like being James Franco's boy for like forever that it just kind of feels like it was doing the same exact fucking thing.

But it's like, if you're, if you're actually my friend, here's how this is going to go down. I'm going to throw you under the bus and then I'm going to pay you 11. Hi, cool. He got money for this. And he was like, deuces wrote us a joint dude.

Amen. By the way, I was listening to an audio book of game of Thrones in German. And I hate how they say the names. They, they read them like antique Germans would. So like Janey, isn't just Jamie he's Hyman

who are say, who are you talking about to real generous, but who's generous. Let's say, don't know you mean to an era that sounds so unattractive, but they talked about the, the, by the way, he's called Drogo is so much less rapey in the book. Holy shit. Why did it make him so rapey in the movie, like in the TV show,

Well in the book, he like, they sit together naked for like an hour or something. They just sit there. He just undresses her and stuff, but like slowly and it's always with the more like stuff and go thing. And then like they just chill for an hour. Then he just starts like gently touching her overall. And she starts like getting excited.

It ends with him like picking her up and putting her on his lap. Right. And then going no, because like the only more he knows is no. So you've asked her like, no, and she like grabs his hand to put it to the place where she got wet and then said, yes. So like, it's very different than in a TV show where he just buckles her over.

She says, no, he throws a right back around and just like bounces into her. Like it's. Yeah. It's interesting. I now question, why the fuck they made it so raping the TV show because like, you know, he just goes, no.

The books open shit so much, but like, it's like, it's like, it's like they needed some, some reason for her to go crazy or something, but like they fall in love afterwards. So it's like, it's done. They could have just made it this way, the way that it was in the book, because like it has to do with her, like for the first time, because she was so afraid of everything and shit, before they go way more into that.

Like you can tell him the TV show that she's a skirt, skirt, little girl, Scarlet girl, but she's a skirt. You don't see why she's that scared as much because you don't hear her inner monologue and shit. So, I mean, I guess our parents were murdered. She was shipped over somewhere. Her brother keeps beating her up every day.

It makes sense that she's kind of a scared little chain. When you hear about Sansa, just live in the life.

Was awesome in the books even more so right before, you know, everything turned to shit.

Oh, what, what was, uh, like little flower, I mean, not little flower, a little finger stuff. Oh, in, in the show, I don't like it. The last season. What's different. What's different in the book. I'm not that far yet. I am still on the first one. I just got them this weekend, this weekend. I just started reading the books for real.

Okay. Cause I, like, I figured if I got bored in feast of crows or the one after it, I'm like curious for pepper. I have, I have all the audio books that they have out. Because I'm like, I'm like curious for some of the shit that's been theorized that didn't happen in the TV show, but like, that's been theories for like a long time.

So like, uh, I forget his name, but bran the kid that like goes cripple, uh, he like gets carried. He finds this other kid that comes with the sister and they like get him over to the, to the guy in the woods, you know, behind the wall that Oak, that third eye Raven or whatever his name is, Raven. He's a Raven with eyes when he dies.

I'm just going to call him, leave him with the 3i, Raven, the Raven with eyes. Exactly. Every rape and that's. That's awesome. I like it. So like the theory is that he eats the kid Brahm without knowing like they turned the kid. Cause he has like four senior abilities also lightly, but he's not like strong.

So like they make him into a paste that Brahm eats and then gets stronger with his like vision powers and shit. It's like a whole weird consultant, the conspiracy of the masters and all that shit. Oh, they, he ate one of the children or the forest or whatever. No, no, no, no. The there's like a kid that he goes, oh man, I can show you the F you saw the TV show that he ate the weird kid.

Well, he, didn't not knowingly eat the weird kid, but yeah, like the chill, cause he liked disappears within those caves. All of a sudden, not there's no mentioning of him anymore. It just happens. He just don't get mentioned anymore. All of a sudden. And then like brand has to hear this weird, weird wood paste or something, but like, like it tastes like blood.

He does, he describes the taste of blood as he's like eating. Okay. Well, yeah, but if he died, where's the corpse. Why does nobody talk about him anymore? Ever like even a sister, I guess we'll have to put that in the chat. We'll I mean, the, you know, the discouraged we'll look into the wow. Watch those episodes because those episodes were fucking weird.

Yeah. The, the episodes it's more based on the Joe. Jim was his name. Um, it's more based on the, on the, that's what I'm saying. I'll see what they, what they do in the episode. And then I'll see, I'll try to figure out where it is in the books because yeah, I was listening to you. I have like a video on YouTube that explains it.

I hope. Well, all right. How, what time are we at? What are we, what are we looking at here? Hi, I'm Chad. Yeah, on the recording. I mean, I forgot to record, press start on the we're good though. We talk to a lot of stuff, right? I bet you it's only 20 minutes long. We didn't do any improv games. Okay. So, oh, we, yeah, we can still do some, you pick a profession.

Wait, pause it first for one second, because I need to tinkle.

And then I said the duck flew across the restaurant. That was flawless. Let's do another one. Let's do another one. Uh, okay. So P pick a profession, um, lawyer. All right. So we're two lawyers and a lawyers office. And, uh, we're, we're just chilling in the break room, I guess. Yeah. How about that? Hey, how you doing?

Not too bad. Just hanging out much appointment today, but you got a lot on your plate. I wish I had a lot more on my plate. Right? Becky's ass Becky, look at her. She is bigly, but like, what's your favorite jiggle part of her though? Um, objection. I enjoy nothing. That just goes on hair.

Oh, thank you for the ugly dude.

Never have that conversation. I need to pick a less professionally. I, uh,

I actually, uh, she, uh, Becky. I, I donated my sperm to Becky. She's going to have my kid technically. Huh? How did that happen? Oh, she just asked, she just asked. She wanted to like, she's like, you know, I want to do like the insemination thing. Like we can do the fuck thing, but it's, you know, it's easier to just do the, the juices if like she, like, you can choose the thing and I'll do the insemination at the doctor so that my family feels like it's like, uh, you know, actual a semen donation, but we could just fuck on the side.

So I F we fucked and then I did the, I did the Jews in the cup. Okay. And did you sign, did you ever sign any contracts that legally forbid her from later on abusing you as the father? Oh, yeah, of course. Okay. Okay. Okay. She drew them up. They're actually pretty good. The papers were pretty fucking silent. I checked them out.

I actually ended up, I had added a line or two. She was trying to like catch me on a, on a tense in the third paragraph, second clause. You know how it is, but I fucking, you know what I mean? I added that extra comma. She thought she could fuck me over, dude. She taught, she could fuck me over. Get the fuck at a, this guy is Columbia educated.

You thought you could take them? Huh? Community college graduate. Or you do it. Isn't that like? Yeah. Wait, what are you asking if Columbia college is a community college one, right? No, no, no. I'm saying she's the club community college graduate. How dare she question? Yeah, of course. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's a good one.

Let me, it's like, okay. It's not like a top tier. It's not like, yeah, but it's okay. It's okay. People are like, oh, you went to Colombian. People say it like that. Okay, but not like, oh, you went to Columbia, but yeah, they're definitely not like, fuck Columbia. There's no. Is it hardwood? Uh, yeah, I guess if you're going to go like, yeah, you want to go Ivy?

Ivy? I think Columbia is a no, I was, I was so wasted. I don't even know what kind of school Columbia is. Honestly. It could have been like, uh, it could have been. Where were you? What college did you go to? Uh, I went to brown. Ooh. You know, college is bad, but it's just named after a collar. Well, in the garden of all fucking universities, only one I could get into, I can get into, I went to circle university.

We had, we had a big rivalry going with triangle. It was great. Yeah. Yeah. Did you have good parties of circle? Yeah. Yeah, but to be honest rectangle, they, they would just be crazy if they were the wild south. Fuck you. What'd you go circle. I was circled, dude. You did not fucking go to circle. Give me a real co give me a real college.

A piece of shit. I didn't go to college. Germany doesn't work that like university here is more for, for if you want to become a lawyer or shit like that. Yeah, you're a lawyer. No, no. I stopped doing that a year ago. I didn't pass the bar. I just scanned my way into here. What are you joking? Obviously, dude.

Come on.

I was going to have to report you to fucking, uh, Roger were there. Oh my God. Come on. You know me? I'm I'm the office prankster. I was literally pulling up the, uh, secretly report and employee for not going to college. Yeah. That's it's weird. That's the function on the app? How much does that happen in his office?

Well, we're lawyers. So a lot. You gotta, you gotta fuck your, your friends over when you can. It reminds me of that kid. Dr. Fi love. Dr. Love the, the 16 year old, just Dr. Love. It was just this like 16 year old who pretended to be a gynecologist.

He wanted to finger women. Huh? I wish I could have represented that kid. That's the dream man. Getting a teenager off. Speaking of getting a teenager off, what's your favorite case? To be honest right now, I like the Lieberman case. It's, it's just really favorite case that you've won. Oh, my favorite that I've won.

I guess I liked that. I liked that bad girls club case that I represented. That was the best girls club. Yeah. You know, the girls that, that Sue back girls club, because they were like, they were like, dude, you can't just throw us into a room and feed us with drugs and booze for like a week. And then like get angry at us when we fight.

That's like not how this shit works. And I like, I represented, you know, backgrounds, but obviously, so I made sure these bitches didn't get a single cent. It was awesome on what grounds? Well, they signed a contract and they didn't agree to civilized behavior. You know, they broke the car. She got them on breach of contract.

Yes, they're classic. Oh, so, you know, the judge was an old white male and these women were all minority. So I walked in there, I saw that and I was like, oh my God, classic Frederico, getting them on a fucking breach of contract. And you know, these girls use Slaby Federico. These girls are never going to be able to pay, but that does not matter.

I won the case and I get paid. You know what I mean? You gotta do your pro bono for the hot girls. I get it. Oh yeah. I'm going to pro bone. These girls. Yeah. Laura is our gross. Let's get back to where. Alright. Okay. So now, yeah, so you see how easy improv is. Let's do another one. Now you choose something, but choose a spot.

Um, spot a profession, like a job and, and event that happens. Actually, I, I pick the event that happens. Something's going to happen throughout that. It's going to happen with us, with the profession, hit us, hit us with the professional. Um, we are, uh, let's see, everyone says the same seven professions. Let's see.

Uh, we are,

were like, those were like those people who like, uh, like suck people. We suck the fat out of people. We're like suck the fat technicians. Okay. So we're just assistance to a guy in a like office. Okay, cool. Cool. Well, not the head honchos there. They're still a doctor, but we're the guys that just do the,

so like the plastic surgeon guy, he comes in and he marks up the body, like, this is the fat is the fat. And then so like, then we just cut the hole and suck it out. He's like, he like marks it out and we suck out the fat equals back in and he, and then he like adds the structure and stuff. We're we're, we're just the fat removers.

Okay. Okay, cool. What happens is a cockroach flies against the outside of a window. Improv works. It's an event. We're going to build it into it. Don't worry. And now give us the location. Yeah.

Where we're going to do a scene, an improv scene, uh, here at second city. Can I get a suggestion, but just so you know, there's going to be an event, an event happening. I am going to take a shit. Yeah, just being in the scene. That's fine. Probably works. Let's just do that. It's called. Yes. And why can't you just, you can't even, I can't.

Yes, Andy, because we have to fundamentally agree of the game here. Right? Remove improvising. You don't have it. Like you don't we'll do what you have a cockroach. You can be like, you can be like we're at an event, like could be like, and a cockroach. Like, what is that? I just wanted that to happen. But you, you could make, you could start the scene off by saying, Hey, look at them.

Agreeing with you. Let's move this over to you. You haven't, you haven't read this book. You haven't read this book over. Have you read any books down? I can't read. I never learned, I think I just know a lot of words that I memorize what they look like, but I don't know anything. Making books sounds. I'm going to book right back at you.

You better book. That's the sign of a big ass, but whatever fine, fine. We'll do, there's going to be an event. No, no more event. Let's just go with,

where are we? What are, where are we? We're fat suckers. Suckers. Yeah. Well, we're fat suckers. You choose the place. We just at the job at the job, we're just at the scene of the happening, you know, it just right. Maybe it's like we're maybe it's like the, like the person's like knocked out and we're sucking the fat.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. We're double w we're double sucking it cause we want to get out early. Okay. Okay. God damn it. This way too much fat to sock on this piece of shit, huh? Yeah. You know, honestly, honestly, I think I've, I've like the second time I've seen her back this month. It's crazy, dude. Dr.  he's fucking he's he's so he's so, uh, he's he's, he's pretty good.

I don't know. He, it, the asses he makes, I wish he'd put a little like, like, like, like, like, you know, like a nice juicy ass should sit. It should be kind of like, like a peach or something. I feel like, but I feel like there should be a slight flatness. Like they use it, you know what I mean? Like, I want an ass that's you?

I know. Yeah. Oh yeah. You like broken you like, like broken women, you know, broken button creates perfection and you're just like, I want a little used to it. You know, I don't like a brand new car. A little bit. I like a little bit of a, like, this is where the ass sits on things. And, but it's still really jiggly.

I wouldn't really want to improve. It's really got the slab. You've always been the kid that starts enjoying his shoes two weeks after owning them. You know what I mean? You like walked in stuff. You like, you like your shoes walked in. That's just, that's just you. That's what that means. I like my shoes and walked in when stuff's like worn out.

Yeah. Yeah. You know, that's always been you. Yeah, I guess you're right. I wish I could finish this. I wish I wish I could hire someone. I'll do it two weeks. You'll do it. I'll I'll I'll the judges in every shoe. Uh, 11, maybe 11 and a half dude. Come on. I forget half an inch. You know how important that is?

Fred, Fred tried to practically buy Jillian my shoe. I was like, I hardly noticed like that it's dry. Like there's nothing on there. It's not like there's a gob. I felt like it was like little, it was like a little drop, like, you know, so I rent, uh, so back when I was in high school, basically. Yeah, that will be high school for you a second, doing a side rant while we're out the job, sheriff, I don't know what side right side right side of an improv scene is what you're tracking, but it's no, it's outside of the it's it's a real life.

It's a pocket dimension inside of it's a pocket dimension side rant inside of the improv scene. So you've pressed. So you've, you've pressed pause on our improv scene to do a side rant in another dimension, just so we can it watching this on a TV screen right now, full screen, like that scenery, right?

That's just sucking out the bitch. It would pause and it was out of the picture and reveal that there's two people watching this and now they talk. Yeah. Yeah. So, um, I had this best friend at the time Simon and he had a bigger brother, Nico. Now whenever ne he, Nico wouldn't hang out with us usually. But whenever he did, he, he had a weird thing about him where he had to like outdo us on everything.

So we would just fuck with him by doing stupid shit. And then he would try to do stupid or shit. Right. So like, I dunno, we went to like the, there was this weird playground thing that had like this really tall. Um, like what's it called lately? Something to climb on. There's like a tower and we, we jumped off like the, almost the highest possibility that like gave you.

So of course he went to the roof of it to jump off of it. Like he broke his leg, it was hilarious. Um, and he would always do dumb shit like that. Right. And one time we had this kid that we used to fuck with a little bit, way too much. Actually we believe this kid, but he had fun doing it. Like he, he would bully himself all the time.

So, and I liked it. Um, but his mom was a whore, like a massive for that was like, it was legit. She went to five different parent teacher evenings. With like five different baby daddies, like five different dudes that would just bang in her. It was retarded. Um, so one day we went there, we wanted to mess with him, like, you know, just fuck around, get him, let's go outside.

Let's also make him do dumb shit. But like, he didn't open the door. He wasn't reacting. If anything, we threw like little rocks at his window. Apparently he was asleep or he wasn't there. Who knows. So since we didn't get to fuck with him, Nico had the weird feeling that he needed to make this evening epic and do something crazy.

So he proceeded, like they had their shoes outside of the house. Like, like on the back door, we would just always go into the backyard. That's how you, you know, you're supposed to basically enter as, as friends, you just went through the back door and they had like a roof above it and shit, but it was outside and they had their shoes there and like a little terrorists, I guess, to sit down and shit.

So he just grabbed one of his shoes and just pooped in the street.

Draws the line just to be like, it was way too gross. And we all threw up just may 16 and shit and had drank a little, it was dumb. But then on Monday, the kid came to school with those shoes on. Now, I don't know if they were washed, I'm assuming at the very least stretched out. Like our alter Eagles are doing to that bitch.

But yeah, I'd get, I'd get some new doctors Shoals and I'd, I'd soak them in the bathtub for seven days. I just charging them. I touch them. I use the stick to put them on a fireplace where you have to keep them. Your parents are like, I'm not getting new shoes. How don't give shit. You give me new shoes.

Motherfucker is pooping. My shoes. Don't forget. I come from a family. That's like wealthy back in the day. We were like pretty. Decently wealthy. I'm saying he's poor, obviously. Yes. We're poop shoes. He wasn't before they had like a nice house and car and shit, his mom was making good money, which is probably why she was warring around because she was like, dude, I don't need no man to support me.

I can just get me something. Imagine this, imagine this improv scene inside of a side rant.

Uh, so, um, I'm the mother come to me with your poop shoes. Let me try to get into the character because I know him Mo oh, wait, wait. Just so you know, just so you know, our relationship. One time he came to school and his story was last night. My mom came into my room to yell at me and I just like pitched back at her.

Right. We just fought for a loop. And then she said, shut up you son of a bitch. Listen to me. So that's why we called him his mom a bitch too. Okay. So just so you know, he knew the character from the story. Come on, mom, mom, mom, mom, for my shoe. All right. Didn't know mom. There's little shit in my shoe. Yeah.

But like, what's the problem though? You don't know how to clean it. Mom, mom, mom, mom. I'm going to, is it your poop? Whose poop is the moms on my boom? Let me see poop. Is it that smell like the clean boy? First of all you're grounded for knowing whose poop it is. First of all, what, what do you, what, what do you want, what do you want?

Do you want tips on how to clean the poop out? Like figure it out please. Can I get, like, I don't know, boiler the paper, what are you a poop of? My shoe. Uh, geez, God, shut the fuck up. Why are you bothering to you? Such a, such a wimp. I'm trying to think of a clean poop out of a shoe, OxiClean, OxiClean, and shut the fuck up you.

How old are you? How fucking old are you? Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. How old are you? So we have some Oxyclean I guess you could use, don't put, don't use all of them use like five Clorox wipes. Shut the fuck. You know, what do I look like? Your made you pooped in your shoe. You're going to clean the poop out.

So here, go get the fuck you. I hate you. Throws poop shoe against wall runs away. It is legit. How that way, I guess you're going to school with no shoes.

You don't break the improv scene and say, what happens? How fucking dare you. I was still in that seat, bitch. You don't just leave you. Don't just jump back here. Get the fuck back here. You little snap. Fuck you, bitch. You thought you show up. You throw a poops through a poop, a shoe against my fucking house.

I don't whore around this town for nothing little snapshot. You're going to go back. Take the poop shoe off that wall. You're going to clean the fucking wall. First. You got to take your poop shoes, fucking out the fucking side. I don't know why he brought you to get the carrot hit to the fucking house. Go fuck yourself.

It's an improv scene. You don't, you don't critique me. The character I'm playing. I'm the mom, you're the son critiquing the character. I brought this out TV that his mom was watching TV on just in the living room. He just poked it out and just took it into his room. Cause he was like, yo TV is better. And his mom was like, oh, okay, prophecy, it's called improv.

See, this is the first time his mom ever grew a fucking miracle just cause I know the kid and you know, just like I just instantly had a picture of him in my head. Just walking into school with no shoes on. Well, lucky you have those shoes. Then he just walked in barefoot. When day do you tell your school while you're walking?

Like in midway, like in a rainy day, like just. Yeah, fucking leaves everywhere. It's great. Actually, you're a, what's your shoe size? Where would I? My fucking pink tennis shoes. You dumb shit. Fucking take it. The shit to your shoes. It's just some sun. I rule it already, but improv scene of them suffer in front of my eye.

Um, and it was beautiful. That's the power of it. But also also the guy that once in Germany, I don't know what you do in the U S but in Germany, when you'd write a test and you get it back, you end that lesson, you go through it and she gives you basically the right, correct answers for everything that you have to write down.

So like he w he wrote all of the down, he was like, yo teacher, You forgot a page on my car, on my like, test, you didn't even correct. And pass it down to you're like, dude, are you really going to try to do this? And he was like, no, you got it. Look at it. It's all there. It's all correct. I just heard it. She's like, look, I'm going to give you one more chance to just quit this and go sit the fuck down.

Or it's going to have to be a thing. And he's like, no teacher come on. He would get whiny as fuck. And then I he's like, okay, look, you wrote this in like black pen. Right. But, but this page that you just brought to me, the entire test was written in black pen, but this patient's supposed to be in the middle.

All of a sudden is in blue ink and look at this and she just legitimately used her fingers, move, swipe over it. And it like, you know, smudged a little because it was fresh. She's like, are you dumb? You like playing with me? So yeah, it was, it was great. He just like, and he just stood there and started crying, left the room and yeah, didn't return that day.

He just came back the next day. Pretended like nothing happened. He was funny. All right. So yeah.

so would you use your discount to get anything? Honestly, yes. I want like some liposuction right on my leg, like right above my Dick, that area, make it a little bigger. You know what I mean? Just by like sucking out the fat from over there. Just gain like an extra inch. That'd be cool.

Why don't you just get your Dick bifurcated and then he can make both of your Dick's bigger. Oh no, I want that. I want my

trifurcated no, I don't need, I don't need a pitch deck.

Oh man. You

know, I kind of want a peace sign deck. Can you cut it in a piece? Spread like this? Yeah, no, like the actual sign that will be like, you know, circle a circle and a Pitchfork, you know, that peace sign. It actually stands for death. Hmm. Can you put cock rings around my penis and like arrange them to look like the Olympic.

Rings. I mean, you could put cock rings on your Dick to look like the Olympic rings. You don't need a plastic surgeon for that, but I want them permanent. I want they're like built into the bottom of it. Oh no. Your Dick will fall off. You have to take the cock rings off at some point. No, but I just want them to like work into my skin, like piercings.

Basically. There can be holes that I can take them out of for a short time and shit. Yeah. Like ribs for his pleasure. You want like Dick?

I know a guy who could do some body modifications. Yeah. He'll like, he'll like put a USB drive in your head.

No, not, not like Neuralink. It's like a, it's like an encrypted Bluetooth drive thing. And what does it do for you? Uh, you just store data on it. You can like Bluetooth that to people if you want. Oh second, like, oh, okay. That's stupid. It's pretty stupid because you have to like put a USB drive. It's like put a USB stick into it to like upload more stuff into it that looks done.

It's that's now, man, are we still sucking the fat out let's switch sides, which is huge.

Holy shit. This bitch. Huge dude, dude, dude, we're almost off the arms. We have to go to the stomach dude. And then we have to do the ass and legs. This is going to be a while. There's a reason we both were doing this, but, but man, I need to get out of here early today. Yeah. What are you doing? I got a grinder Dade.

I mean, Tinder. Yeah. Who is he? She, she, um, I don't know. Totally fine. Oh, cool. It's cause it's Grindr. It's Lucio. He's Brazilian. Can't fucking wait for us. He plays soccer on the beach, according to his photos. Lucia. Yeah. He sent me like a Dick and an asshole picture within like the first conversation ever.

So yeah. Yeah. Like that was the first thing he wrote me. It was just pictures. And I replied with a soft penis than an erect penis and my own ass. So, so then he wrote a kissy face. I wrote a smiley with like heart eyes and then he sent like a clock and I just wrote tonight. Yeah. Now we, that, it's so simple when you're just fucking, you're not going to like go to get ice cream or something.

I mean, we might get some ice cream afterwards.

I know, but where are you fucking at? Oh, my place. Oh, okay. That's all I trust. Spring-ish stranger over. Yeah, but like that's alive, dude. You just gotta like have a stranger over you. Fuck him. Eat his ass out and he'd throw them out. Maybe order a pizza. If he's chill.

Yeah. I can have some pizza.

We like order a pizza.

It'll be awhile.

All of it, but she's just going to eat it in a fucking sleep. Oh shit. You right. How about this? You up the, the, the dosage. So she's out and I'll order the pizza. There's not enough dosage on this planet. Even if we kill this bitch to make her not eat pizza, I'm looking at her. We've been at this for 27 hours.

We're barely done with the video. Yeah. Steve, by the way, should we get, take talks? No, right now that's crazy. We don't believe in China. No, we shouldn't get tic-tacs and that's fucking, I didn't. I'm like you already have one and you've already sent me the videos. I know I never did. And I will never do that.

He did it. I saw it. I'll do anything for love. You're like, look at it. I did it.

Uh, I, yeah, I guess this has been no offense, but what the fuck? Don't don't don't touch your children. Don't unless they, I mean, dude, I mean, touch your children, but just like appropriately, like high five, you kid. Oh, you can. High-five the newborns. Yeah. In the face, right? Like one of the cries about the public, you just go like, Hey baby.

I five. Oh sure. I thought she was supposed to, I thought sunlight gives you cancer. So you're supposed to like put kids in a closet and like, not let them see any light and then like capita and then like have them only watch Kung Fu movies, like 24 hours a day. You're thinking of when you thinking of, when you go to the store and you leave them, locked in the car with all windows up watching a stupid movie.

So they're distracted and then it doesn't. Oh yeah, it makes sure that make sure the car's turned off and there's nowhere in Nevada abortion, the late term abortion, but Nevada abortion. I don't know why he just called it. She just called it a Levada abortion. Yeah. People are ruthless out there. Yeah, dude.

People in Nevada, you don't have notice. We see Nevada, I guess this is it. We're saying goodbye. How do we, how do we, what we started figuring out how to just add a sign off. It's your job. If you do it, um, accurate. Bye.

[lumiolivierlithium]

The Good Old Days Chapter 32: Small Worlds

A/N: Hi, friends! Look, I know I kind of dipped last week, but I needed a week off. My head wasn't in the best place. And it's going to be a minute or two before you guys get another update. For the four people that read this. But I promise this is a nice chapter. Hang in there. Now, pray for me. Because I need to go back to Twitter and pitch a book. My anxiety's on high and I'm about to scream, slam a Rockstar, smash the can against my head, and scream again. Love you! x

I knew this would be an inevitability. I knew that once I touched Italian soil, I was bound to find one of them eventually. And honestly, I’m kind of glad I found her first. I hugged my favorite little sister tight, beyond content with life. If I’m this bad with Veronica, I can only imagine how bad it’s going to be when I got Vanessa. I’ve been seeing Veronica a hell of a lot more often than I have Vanessa. And I’m not dating Veronica. Tess would have my ass for something like that.

“I’ve never been so happy to see you, Frankie,” Veronica buried her face in my shoulder, damn near in tears.

“Ditto,” I kissed the top of her head, “You doing ok, Veronica? I know you haven’t had me for a buffer for a while.”

“I’ve had Vanessa instead,” she pointed out, “But yeah. I’m alright. And Vanessa knows all about Tess, so…That’s not an avoidable conversation.”

“Because you’re smitten with her,” I teased her, “It’s almost nauseating.”

“Really?” Veronica stared blankly at me, “Really? Really? Of all people, you’re going to try to pull that bullshit? I don’t think so, Frankie. I’ve seen you and Vanessa. You’re gross as fuck.”

“Sue me.”

“So,” Veronica wrapped herself around my arm, “You really weren’t screwing with Vanessa when you said you were at your uncle’s house.”

“Of course not,” I rolled my eyes, “We’re on the same continent again and she thinks I’m fucking with her? Or that I wouldn’t make this kind of an effort? I don’t think so.”

“It’s not exactly like going from one side of the bridge to the other to get here,” she worried, “How long did it take to get from Barcelona to here?”

“Fourteen hours,” I giggled under my breath, “I’m so fucking jet lagged, Veronica. Two o’clock this morning, I couldn’t sleep, right? So, what do I do? Apparently go do shots of tequila with my mother in our hotel room. But then, the plot thickens.”

“Do tell, Frankie. Do tell.” I don’t think I was the only one still suffering with jet lag. Veronica, despite being the regular spitfire she always is, seemed kind of out of it. Either she’s running on jet lag, too, or someone got some Italian connections and she’s partially stoned. Either one wouldn’t surprise me. I lifted her chin up, checking her eyes. Bloodshot…Dammit, that’s not going to tell me much. That could go either way.

“Mama’s the one that told me to get on the train,” I went on, “I think she’s in love with Vanessa more than I am.”

“Impossible,” Veronica curled into my shoulder. Oh, sweetheart, you are out of sorts. I had half a mind to throw her on my back and let her catch some sleep. But then, a third possibility popped into my head.

“Veronica,” I wondered, “Are you just waking up?”

“From my second nap today,” she admitted, “What gave me away? The fact that I have the same personality as a half eaten sandwich or the fact that I’m supposed to be getting coffee right now and some American asshole is keeping me from that?”

“You just wept in that American asshole’s shoulder because you were so happy to see him, Veronica,” I argued, “Don’t try to pull that bullshit with me.”

“I did miss you, Frankie,” Veronica smiled, “But I’m also delirious. Fuck off.”

“I missed you, too.” Nights in the Narrows weren’t the same without her. Don’t get me wrong. It’s been cool hanging out with Tess while Veronica’s been here, but it’s not the same.

“I was actually on my way to go meet up with Vanessa,” she told me, “You’re more than welcome to join us. You know…If you were up for that sort of thing.”

“I just made a fourteen hour train ride,” I squeaked, “I sure as fuck didn’t do that for nothing.”

“What?” Veronica scoffed, “And seeing me wasn’t enough?”

“I love you, Veronica,” I assured her, “I really do. You are one of my favorite people on the planet. But I kind of miss your sister a little more.”

“Because my sister puts out,” she teased.

“It’s not necessarily that,” I shot her down, “It’s…I don’t know. Vanessa’s different. She’s…”

“Alright, alright,” Veronica cut me off, “Before you get into the gross, poetic shit. Jesus Christ, Frankie. I get it. You’re disgustingly in love with my sister. I hope you crazy kids run off, get married, make a million babies, and grow old in Boca together.”

“Boca?” I looked at her strange, “Why the hell would we go to Boca?”

“I don’t know,” she giggled to herself, “That’s kind of an inside joke with Vanessa and me. That when we get older, we’re going to retire to Boca because Florida is where all the old people go to die. And Boca Raton is some pretty property.”

“Because it’s not bad enough I get mistaken for being Puerto Rican back home,” I laughed, “But by all means, let’s move to Florida, where I’ll go from Puerto Rican to Cuban.”

“You’re neither of those, Frankie.”

“I know,” I draped my arm around her shoulders, “Should we go bring you back to your sister? We all know you shouldn’t be left alone on the streets of Rome. That’s when you end up getting picked up by total strangers and taken to God only knows where.”

“To my sister, asshole,” Veronica rolled her eyes at me, “I knew I’d be alright. I didn’t expect to run into you, but hey. Small world.”

“Do you know where you’re supposed to meet her?” I asked.

“She said it was near her school,” she directed me, looking both ways before crossing the street. Safety is important, “And that’s…This way.”

Veronica took me by the hand and the two of us wandered through Rome for a while. It’s weird to think about how a lot of civilization as we knew it started right here. And yet, it’s considered one of the most romantic cities in the world. And I could’ve proposed to Vanessa right here. Or in Monaco on New Year’s. Or if I was incredibly lucky, I could’ve proposed to her in Barcelona and made my ancestors proud. Yet, here I was, kicking my own ass because her engagement ring was back in New York. Oh, well…There’s always March. We’ll have March.

We turned the corner, but Veronica stopped me, “You stay right here.”

“Why?” I asked, thoroughly confused.

“Because,” she kept her voice down, “I wasn’t expecting Vanessa to be sitting outside. You stay here. Just trust me.”

“Veronica…” I was getting a vibe from this one. And I wasn’t sure how to feel about it, “What are you up to, you little minx?”

“Just…Trust me,” Veronica stood on her toes, kissed my cheek, and left me on the other side of the wall, “I know what I’m doing.”

“Alright.” I wasn’t going to argue with her.

“Vanessa!” I heard her call her sister’s name, warming me to my core.

“Hi, Veronica…” And that was the nail in my coffin. I leaned against the brick wall and melted inside. Oh, fuck, it’s nice to hear her voice and not through a speaker, “What took you so long? I thought we were meeting at five.”

“Yeah, I know,” Veronica grumbled, “I got held up by some dick on my way.”

“I’m sorry,” Vanessa awed, “You’re better off.”

“I don’t think he would’ve hurt me,” Veronica brushed her off, “He was kind of cute.”

Aww…Veronica…Flattered.

“Really?” Vanessa wondered, “What kind of cute are we talking?”

“What does it matter?” Veronica argued, “You have a boyfriend. And I have a girlfriend. It’s not like either one of us were going to go after him.”

“Color me curious. What’d he look like?”

“He could’ve been local,” Veronica began.

“Ooh…Pretty Italian boy?”

“I don’t think he was Italian,” she went on, “Kind of tall, would’ve made me feel even smaller.”

“That doesn’t take much, Veronica. You’re lucky if you hit five feet in your boots.”

“Fuck off,” Veronica giggled, “I didn’t ask for the judgment.”

“Keep going,” Vanessa insisted, “What else?”

“Alright,” Veronica fulfilled her wishes, “Dark eyes, dark hair, kind of long. Kind of built. Really nice ass…”

“Aww…” Vanessa sighed out, “It makes me miss home…Rumor has it, home is in Barcelona these days.”

“I don’t think he’s actually in Barcelona,” Veronica figured, “He’s probably fucking with you.”

“No,” Vanessa took my side. That’s my girl, “He’s probably in Barcelona. That’s where he’s from. Mama told me the whole story once. Kind of a sad one. But here nor there. I didn’t ask you for coffee because I wanted to gush about Frankie.”

“Bullshit, Vanessa!” Veronica called her out, “When don’t you gush about him? He’s just as bad about you, if not worse.”

“Really?” Damn straight, baby girl. Damn straight.

“Home misses you, too, Ness,” I couldn’t sit idly by anymore. Not when she’s so fucking close.

“No…” Vanessa could hardly speak. She went from giving her sister shit to real quiet real quick.

“Maybe…” I stepped out from behind the corner, “Surprise…”

Vanessa kicked her heels off and jumped into my arms, bawling her eyes out in my shoulder, “You told me you were in Barcelona.”

“I lied,” I hugged her tight, never ever wanting to let her go, “I told you she couldn’t keep us apart, Vanessa. She has no power here.”

“But…” her voice broke, “You said you were in Barcelona…”

“And I was for a while,” I agreed, “But I also decided to hop a train at two o’clock this morning to cure my jet lag.”

“And…?” Vanessa wiped her eyes, “How’d that work out for you?”

“The tequila didn’t help,” I brushed her off, “The train didn’t help. I’m so fucking tired, but goddamn, it was worth it.”

“You’re fucking right, it was,” she buried her face back in my neck, “I love you, Frankie.”

“I love you more,” I pulled her face closer to mine, getting our first kiss in months. Neither one of us cared about who was watching, even though we were possibly scarring Veronica. It’s not like we were having sex in the city square for the world to see, but…If we played our cards right, it could’ve gone that way, “Hey, Vanessa…?”

“Hmm?” Vanessa let me go. But the second I sat down, she was back in my arms again and curled up on my lap. Fuck, I missed this girl.

“You wouldn’t happen to have anything going on tonight,” I wondered, “Would you?”

“We have a family thing at eight,” she grumbled, “Because God fucking forbid I can enjoy myself here for a while. Thank you, Mother. Greatly appreciated.”

“Hey, hey,” I cradled her cheek in the palm of my hand, “I didn’t make this trip for the sake of making my mother smile and your mother infuriated. Although, pissing off Victoria is always a bonus.”

“Maybe for you,” Vanessa pouted, “You don’t have to deal with the aftermath.”

“Yeah…” Veronica agreed, “That’s not always pretty, Frankie. Don’t get me wrong. I love a little petty once in a while, too, but there’s a time and a place for it.”

“Look on the bright side,” I pointed out, “In a few days, I’m sure she’ll be back on a flight to the States and you won’t have to deal with her anymore. For the time being.”

“Dammit, Frankie,” Vanessa snuck in another kiss, “Always putting shit into perspective for me. Remind me why I ever left you.”

“Because of your mother sending you to the other side of the world in hopes you’d forget me.”

“That sounds right,” she shrugged, “But yeah. We have a thing with the family at eight tonight. I’m overjoyed.”

“Hard to tell under the bitterness and sarcasm,” I teased her.

“But…” Vanessa smirked, “I’m sure I could find a way to sneak out by nine.”

“That’s my girl,” I melted inside, “I’m in town for maybe an hour and you’re right back to having those hood rat tendencies. We’re going to have words about that later, Vanessa. A young lady of your social standings shouldn’t indulge in such activities.”

“Fuck you,” she laughed, “Oh, Frankie, I missed you…”

“I missed you, too…”

“So,” Vanessa thought, “We find a way to kill the rest of the afternoon?”

“I mean…” I suggested, “It has been a few months since we last saw each other…”

“And…” Vanessa was definitely picking up what I was getting across, “We are on foreign soil…We could…”

“You guys!” Veronica got out the proverbial hose, “I’m not third wheeling this anymore. If you need me, I’ll be elsewhere. Vanessa, I’ll see you tonight.”

“Alright, Veronica,” Vanessa awed, “Just remember to stay safe.”

“And that no means no,” I added, “And that you have a girlfriend waiting for you back home.”

“I also have a hall pass while I’m here!” Veronica started walking off.

“Call if you need a ride to the clinic, Veronica!” I called after her.

“Fuck you, too, Frankie!” Veronica stuck her middle finger in the air and took off. Oh, I missed her. I missed her sister more, but damn, I missed screwing with Veronica. She’s fun.

“Look at them, Ness,” I sighed out, “They grow up so fast.”

“You’re telling me,” Vanessa agreed, “But Frankie…”

“Yeah, baby?”

“Let’s go to my great aunt’s house,” she suggested, “That sounds like a good idea.”

“Why?” I looked at her strange, “Why would you want to take me to your great aunt’s house? Doesn’t your family kind of have a thing against me?”

“That’s my mother,” Vanessa started kissing down my neck, “And I really don’t want to talk about her. My great aunt’s house is on the outskirts of town. It’s also very big. And very empty.”

I knew exactly what she was getting at. Fortunately, that something just happened to be me, “I love you, Vanessa.”

“I love you, too.”

Honestly, when I imagined the first time Vanessa and I would have sex, I thought it’d be somewhere back home. That nice hotel room the Old Man has on permanent reserve. The roof of my building while Google Earth was snapping pictures. But I suppose her great aunt’s house on the outskirts of Rome would have to do.

#The Good Old Days #fan fiction prequel #oc backstory #mafia au #switch #for the family

[thokage-archive]

:0 klance for the ship ask thing?

please send me a ship and I will tell you

KLANCEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

who’s the cuddler:  Keith, but in a very lowkey way. He doesn’t make his desire to be constantly cuddling with Lance obvious, he kind of just slowly inches himself closer to lance on whatever bed or couch they’re on till their legs are intertwined or till he’s lowkey the little spoon. Lance doesn’t mention it, he’s kind of used to all his little siblings curling up to him whenever they were tired & their parents were at work. If anything he just finds it endearing & sort of slowly strokes Keith’s hair as he relaxes more because he knows his younger siblings always found it comforting. 

Keith’s love for cuddling doesn’t end with Lance though. Shiro was the first person he ever felt comfortable enough to be vulnerable around. But slowly over time Keith has grown close enough with each of the paladins that they are all well aware of his habit to just curl up like a cat next to the nearest one of them & k.o. after a particularly long or stressful mission. Hunk & Shiro are probably the only two he cuddles with anywhere close to as much as he cuddles with Lance.

who makes the bed: Neither, they’re both lazy as fuck teenage boys & could care less. Plus they’re always getting called out of bed at crazy fucking hours by Allura or Shiro to fight some gross galra bitches or something so yeah, neither. At the garrison, it was another story but only because they were forced to keep their rooms clean for daily inspections like at boot camp.  

who wakes up first: Keith, but more so out of habit from the garrison, it’s not something he really ever stopped doing once he got kicked out. He’s okay with it though because he doesn’t sleep a lot as it is and he likes watching the sunrise. He used to like taking his hoverbike out on mornings he woke up particularly early and watch the sun set fire to the desert landscape as it creeped up over the mountains. He would think about Shiro, his Dad, and where his mom might be or if she was even alive, and just kind of quietly mull things over & wonder how his life got to where it was.

who has the weird taste in music: Hmmmmm….. depends on what we’re defining as weird, but personally, I’m gonna say neither. Lance listens to a lot of reggaeton, early 2000s r&b and of course the bops & bangers of today (you bet your ass he’s gonna be happy as fuck when he gets to earth and sees how popular despacito and mi gente got because he was always made fun of by white demons at school for listening to Spanish music). 

Keith, however, is more of a 90s/early 2000s alt-rock/“emo”/indie music sorta guy, but like before emo was a thing. He listens to Radiohead, the killers, cage the elephant, green day, Tegan and Sara, smashing pumpkins (some 80s music like the Smiths, a-ha, the cure, talking heads, pixies, etc). While some of his fave more modern bands are the neighborhood, sir sly, bad suns, foster the people, and a little bit of pop-punk like the front bottoms, modern baseball, moose blood, FIDLAR, and tigers jaw. His playlist is like a moody aesthetic grunge playlist.

who is more protective: Lance, he can’t help it. It just comes naturally to him since he’s so fiercely protective over his siblings as it is. He always has Keith’s back in a battle (& vice versa of course) but he really goes that extra fucking mile. They are genuinely an unstoppable duo when they battle together, it impresses even Allura how well adapted they are to one another’s fighting style. They’re a lethal team. And you can also bet your ass that they are constantly sparing with one another (& with Shiro or Hunk for the extra challenge). 

who sings in the shower: Lance! He’s not a morning person but once he’s up he’s up, and he enjoys doing his morning routine. It keeps him grounded & is a calming methodical way for him to start his day. When he sleeps over in Keith’s room (or Keith in his) Keith always hears him singing something in the shower. He normally sings in Spanish & it really got Keith feeling some typa way because it’s just so so soooooo pretty. Lance singing in his first language just feels…. right, natural. He sounds so comfortable and at ease with himself by the way the words just seem to roll off his tongue & it’s easily the most confident he’s ever heard Lance, he probably thinks Keith can’t even hear him. But honestly, he could sing Keith to sleep every night & you would hear no complaints from Keith.

who cries during movies: Both! But they are far too proud to admit it. Pidge will see a tear rolling down either of their faces & make the biggest deal out of it in the world, announcing it to all the other paladins by shouting “OH MY GOD LANCE ARE YOU SERIOUSLY CRYING RIGHT NOW?! AHAHAA”

At which point Shiro will chime in with something along the lines of…

“Now Pidge it’s perfectly reasonable to cry in this situation, in fact, it’s healthy for him to be expressing his emotions with us so openly-” 

*cue lance screaming* “SHUT UP PIDGE, I am most definitely NOT crying” (he says as he rubs his eyes furiously) 

*now cue shiro looking into the camera like he’s on the office completely abandoning whatever speech he was about to give while pidge & lance scream at each other in the background*

who spends the most while out shopping: Lance, but only because skin care products are so goddamn expensive. Even in space, it seems he can’t get a decent moisturizer for less than 1,000 gac.

who kisses more roughly: Keith, that boy loves him a good ass Lancey Lance make out session & you legit cannot convince me otherwise. While Lance most certainly surprises Keith with little pecks on the lips or cheek, Keith is always the one initiating their makeout sessions & holy smokes talk about intense. Keith can’t help it, he holds on to Lance like he’s afraid he’s gonna slip away if he doesn’t. He’s not used to having nice things and he doesn’t exactly know whatever this thing is between him and Lance but he does know he’s not willing to let it slip away like everything else seems to in his life. He kisses Lance like he’s the only breathe of air he’ll get all day. Smashing his lips against Lance’s, desperately gripping at his waist, pressing their bodies together like the fate of the universe is at stake and the only thing that’ll save it is them holding onto each other. He leaves Lance gasping for air, but for Keith, every moment he spends away from Lance is when he feels like he’s suffocating. Kissing Lance is what he imagines a clear head feels like, kissing Lance is what it feels like to be on solid ground after floating around aimlessly in the clouds your whole life. Kissing Lance is like coming home after a long vacation and feeling the peace you had forgotten being at home brings. For Keith, its the only home he’s ever known. 

who is more dominate: Keith, he is a hot head at his very core & the idea of not being in control annoys him. But everything is a compromise in their relationship. They know when to pick their battles with each other & when it comes to piloting the lions, Lance is Keith’s right hand as always. He trusts Keith’s battle instincts & trusts him to lead Voltron. Now, however, that Keith is on mission with the blade, Lance finds himself questioning Shiro more and more. He finds himself thinking of ways out of their situation but unsure of himself and unable to voice his opinions. He wishes Keith were around… wishes for his unending encouragement of Lance. He knows what Keith would say if he was there… “don’t get so in your own head Lance, speak up. Say what you need to say. No one here is going to judge you, we trust you, we need you” he’d say that like it were the most obvious and truthful thing on earth or any other planet… and Lance would believe him. 

my rating of the ship from 1-10: (first can I apologize that the last two lowkey turned into Keith & Lance like one-shot stories lmao, peep that black paladin Lance content I’m fucking dying for) UM 12/10 A QUALITY FUCKING SHIP WOW. Pretty much the only ship I’m literally dying to see become canon. I think they have a very interesting dynamic & are a very plausible ship. I don’t really even ship anyone else in Voltron that much (aside from Hunay but even then Hunk & Shay lack content so RIP ME). 

THESE THINGS ARE SO MUCH FUN TO WRITE, SEND ME MORE SHIPS!

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