#had they just listen to him and took his contributions seriously roman would not be sad and problems could be solved

[shortprince-cos]

Patton's Normal And Totally Not Angsty Birthday

Summary: Patton was fully expecting to spend his birthday with his stuffed animals and pictures instead of actual people, but his famILY had other secret plans.

Warnings: Crying, being alone for an extended period of time, angst, slight innuendo. Tell me if I need to add anything else!

Pairings: Platonic DRLAMP (all)

{Masterlist}

~~~~~

Patton was fully expecting to spend his birthday with his stuffed animals and pictures instead of actual people.

It wasn't a far-fetched idea, considering what had happened earlier last year. Everyone was still on their toes from the...fight.

It wasn't a fight though! It was more like a...big disagreement. That kind of maybe split everyone apart and left Patton alone...

But it was fine! Everyone just needed some alone time! Even if it had been awhile - a long while - since the incident. They just needed to think about things, and when they were ready, Patton would apologize and they would hopefully accept!

Hopefully...

Patton turned in his bed again, trying to sleep for the umpteenth time that night.

He sighed and eventually sat up, glancing at the clock. It said it was 4:16 in the morning, now it was technically January fifteenth.

Happy birthday to him.

Patton wiped the tears off his face and put on his glasses and his cat hoodie. Well, if it was his birthday, he might as well have a cupcake and make a wish. He'd probably need it, to be fully honest.

Patton meandered through the hallway, glancing at everyone's different colored doors. Everyone was probably asleep.

He remembers when it used to be just three doors in the hallway. Just Morality, Creativity, and Logic. Was it simpler then? Or were they just living in ignorance?

"No one knows you better than yourself, am I right, Tony?"

"I know big words too! Ssssssaxophone-"

"Who knows what'll happen if you don't adopt them, and they need a good home!"

"Anything he darn well pleases!"

...Maybe he was the only one not taking things seriously. They say ignorance is...better to live in, and Patton was basically swimming in it before his wake up call.

"We need actual contributions from you, now and then."

Is that why this happened? Maybe he's been ignorant of all the actual dilemmas this entire time. That's how everything went wrong! He didn't just suddenly not know what to do, he never knew what to do! He just hid it with jokes and puns and silly commentary to 'lighten the mood', but really he was just a distraction from their actual problems.

Patton hugged himself as he stood in the hallway, surrounded by the doors of his friends. Well, if they still wanted to be his friend.

Patton glanced at the dark purple door in the hall, cringing at the memories that came with it.

"Now Anxiety, if you don't want to participate, you can just sit this one out."

"Awww you poor little anxious baby!"

"And what about Anxiety, he always seems to get you down."

Patton swiped his tears away, hurriedly making his way down the hall to the staircase.

Janus didn't have a door here yet; he said he'd rather stay with the others in the hidden side of the mindscape.

Probably because of how awful they all were to him.

"Deceit, standing in the spot of one of my four best friends."

"Um, you're in my spot."

"Because Thomas gave his word, but you wouldn't know anything about words, would'ja mister?"

"I may be amphibian, but I can't say that I am fibbin'!"

God, they were so terrible to him. No wonder he doesn't like being around any of them.

Patton's hands shook as he gripped the banister at the top of the stairs, holding in his silent sobs.

All of this is his fault. He caused the rift in his famILY.

Suddenly he heard voices from downstairs. Wasn't everyone in bed? It was four in the morning, who would be up right now?

Patton wiped the tears off his face for the umpteenth time and took deep breaths, trying to steady himself.

He stalked down the top stairs slowly, trying to listen in onto what the voice was saying.

"Listen," A voice whispered. "I'm just pointing out all the possibilities."

"More like all the negabilities, seeing how all of them are negative." Another snarked.

"Just- does he even wanna see us? We basically ghosted him for months. We didn't even include him on the Nico situation. Why didn't we do that, he's the heart! He's like, the most important side for that!"

Oh. They were talking about him.

Patton debated leaving, going down there, or keep on listening before another voice spoke up.

"I doubt he would not wish to see us. If anything, I believe he would like to talk about what happened."

"Logan, we're talking about Patton here. If we talk, he'll just say he's fine when he's clearly not fine."

"That's not true." One obviously lied.

So all four of them were downstairs talking about him. Wait, isn't there supposed to be five-

"Hi Potty-cakes!" Remus suddenly shouted from behind him.

Patton shrieked in surprise, before almost tumbling down the stairs before someone caught him.

"Pat! Are you okay?!" Virgil said, slowly helping Patton to his feet.

"Y-Yeah, I'm perfect!" He said, plastering his Patton-ted fake smile.

Virgil squinted at him. "Pat, have you been crying?"

Ah. Guess the smile didn't work.

Patton noticed that everyone was crowded around him, including Janus, which meant that lying was out of the question.

"Uh- kinda?" Another smile.

Someone swore under their breath as Logan spoke up. "Patton, what are you doing awake at this hour? Don't you normally get up at seven?"

Patton stood up straightly instead of leaning on Virgil. "Oh, I just woke up and couldn't fall back asleep! What're you guys...?" Patton started as he finally looked around the room, noticing the balloons, streamers, and a banner that they had used for every birthday Patton had had.

"...doing?" He finished.

"Uh-" Roman started. "Well uh- we were kind of...surprising you with a birthday party?" He shrugged nervously.

Patton stood shocked for a moment. They were throwing him a surprise birthday party? Why? Why would they do that- weren't they mad at him? There's no way they would just suddenly not be mad at him! What was happening?!

"Pat, what's wrong?" Janus suddenly asked, putting a gloved hand on Patton's shoulder.

"I'm fine, why?" He answered on instinct.

"Padre, you're crying." Roman explained.

Patton touched his cheek, and sure enough, he was crying. "O-Oh. I guess I am."

Another hand gripped his wrist. "Pop-star, are you okay?" Virgil asked with concern and sincerity in his voice.

Patton immediately started sobbing. "No, no I'm not."

Some tentacles wrapped around him from behind - probably Remus - as a bunch of arms started surrounding him as well, securely trapping him in a hug.

Patton kept crying into someone's shoulder as multiple people kept whispering sweet nothings in his ear.

Eventually, Patton had stopped crying, just enjoying the feeling of a hug - a hug! - surrounding him.

Then, they started pulling away, leaving Patton with traces of warmth left over.

"Patton, are you alright?" Logan asked with concern in his eyes.

Patton rubbed at his eyes again and sniffled. "Y-Yeah. I'm just overwhelmed, I guess. I kinda expected to spend today alone..."

Everyone made a noise of either surprise or concern.

"Patton I..." Roman started, looking at the ground in guilt. "I didn't mean to make you feel alone, I just-" He sighed. "I talked to De-Janus, and he helped me realize that it wasn't like you were trying to make me the bad guy, you were just trying to tell me that Janus wasn't one either. So, I planned a party to apologize to you, and well, I guess the surprise is ruined."

Patton immediately hugged Roman the minute he stopped talking. Roman chuckled, but Patton could hear the tears in his voice.

"I'm- I'm so sorry I-"

"Shh, don't be." Roman comforted. "We all forgive you."

After another minute of hugging, Logan cleared his throat.

"While this moment is very touching and much needed, it is currently almost five in the morning, so I suggest we all take a nap before we get into the festivities."

Everyone made noises of agreement, when Patton interrupted.

"Um- could we-?" Patton started before cutting himself off.

"What's up, Pat?" Virgil asked.

"Uh- I-I just thought that maybe we could..."

"Cuddle on the couch?" Janus finished with a smirk on his face.

Patton nodded with blush on his face.

"Ooo sexy~"

"Remus, I swear to all things princely-" Roman started before the twins started arguing and Logan had to break them up before they could brawl in the living room.

Eventually, everyone on the was cuddled up on the couch and snuggling in one way or another, and Patton couldn't be more content.

~~~~~

Whoo! I finished on time!!!!!!!! I'm so proud of myself for writing this in one day! Though, I think it's a bit rushed, I forgive myself for that tho because it was written in one day lol

Ty for reading! I really enjoyed writing Patton angst again lol!

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#sanders sides #sanders sides fanfic #sanders sides fic #sanders sides fanfiction #patton angst #platonic drlamp #pattons birthday #ts patton #patton sanders #ts logan #ts roman #ts virgil #ts janus #ts remus

[random-writes-blog]

Knowing right from wrong

Summery: Remus isn’t always the best 12 year old. He acts and speaks on impulse and during a fight he bites Roman. Patton won’t let let that happen again.

Unsympathetic Patton, Questionable Logan, Sympathetic Remus, Sympathetic Roman, kid!sides, gore, claustrophobia, whump, collar, spikes, child abuse (seriously a Lot of the language is from experience so be careful.), manipulation, Hurt no comfort, please ask to tag

Patton paced the living room, “I still can’t believe he did that-” his hands were still shaking from anxiety and adrenaline. He turned to Logan, “We have to do something about him.“

Logan nodded, “We’ll let him settle down and have a nice talk-“

”He bit Roman!” Patton said, ”And those horrible things he talks about all the time-” he shuddered than sighed, “Listen Logan, I love Remus as much as I love every other side. But we can’t do nothing about his behavior.”

Logan raised an eyebrow, “I didn’t say we should do nothing. I said we should talk to him about the situation.”

Patton shook his head, “It won’t work, we can talk and talk but he won’t listen.“ He moved to sit next to Logan on the couch, “I know you think we can work with him, that he must have something good to offer or else he wouldn’t be a part of Thomas but... I think he might just be rotten. And if we let the rot fester inside Thomas...”

”I heavily disagree with your view of the situation. This isn’t a pattern of behavior, Remus got mad at Roman and bit him once. You can’t look at one mistake and some of his more... Disturbing moments and decide that he’s bad.”

There was a loud howling wail from across the hall as if Remus wanted to throw his own opinion on his existence onto the table. Though it was just as likely that he was pissed at being grounded for the moment. They decided to ignore it.

”We need to look at the risk vs rewards aspect of this Logan. Let’s say Remus never hurts anyone again after your talk. He‘ll still say those... Awful things and won’t contribute anything meaningful to Thomas’s life. And if I’m right and your conversation does nothing?” Patton bit his lip, “Logan we don’t know who he’s going to hurt next.”

Logan sighed, there was really no arguing with Patton sometimes, and he did have a point... ”What do you suggest we do then?”

Patton took Logan’s hands in his, “Give me a week to work things out with him. I think I know how to fix him.”

Logan took a deep breath, “Okay.“

————-——————————————

Remus banged on the door of the closet, every second it felt like the walls were growing closer together. He could feel it boxing him in, trapping him there. He was losing air. If he stayed in much longer the walls would squish around him and his bones would snap underneath him and he’d run out of air and he couldn’t breathe- he couldn’t breathe so he shouted and screamed.

“Let me out! I’ll tear out your throat with my teeth! I’ll tear off your skin until you’re just muscles and bones and blood on my fingers! I’ll-“

The door to the closet finally opened the slight light of the hallway streaming through. His eyes lit up and he tried to run out; only to be picked up. He kicked and thrashed against the person holding him, the person chuckled and he stopped, looking up curiously.

“Are you done?” Patton asked, “I want you to let it all out now, because I’m not going to let you keep hurting people kiddo.”

Remus gave a small nod, not because he was ‘done’ fighting back. He was just kind of stuck at the moment.

Patton smiled, “You’re doing better already. Alright, I’m going to put something on your neck quickly, than put you down okay?”

Remus squinted, but apparently his actual consent wasn’t required for Patton to reach around his neck and put on a loose green collar. Then Patton dropped him on the ground.

He immediately summoned his tentacles to try to unclasp it. The minute a sucker touched the material though, he felt the sudden sharp jolt of a metal spike piercing through the soft flesh of his tentacle. He tried to pull it off but only felt the spike move, tearing further down his tentacle. He could feel his own blood start to travel down his neck.

”Get-Get it off!” He shouted at Patton, he tugged more, only tearing further into himself and let out a small cry.

Patton held onto his tentacle, “Don’t move. You’ll only hurt yourself more.”

“YOU LITTLE BITCH, I’ll kill you! Get this thing off me, get it off! I’ll kill you I’ll-“ He felt another spike form on the collar near his throat. He held his breath. One wrong move and it’d would cut into him.

Patton hummed, “All of that was extremely impolite. Death threats? Remus is that any way to treat anyone?“ His face softened as he knelt down and took Remus’s head in his hand, “I don’t want to hurt you. Not really. I just want you to know that you can’t behave the way you do and not face any consequences.”

Remus was very aware of how close the spike was to his throat, how close it was to cutting off his larynx or his airway or-

“Now, if you just say you’re sorry, I’ll call off the spikes and we can talk about how this will work for us, okay?”

Go to hell! He wished he could shout it and spit in Patton’s face, but the metal near his throat and on his tentacle were a good enough deterrent.

Patton tapped his foot, “I don’t have all day. Apologize. Now. I’m going to count down from 3 to 1.”

”3.”

No! Fuck that and fuck him! He wasn’t going to cave to threats

”2.”

He was Morality. He wouldn’t really do that to him, even if he was shitty. (Would he?)

”1” He heard a disappointed tut. Than a burst of pain as the spike dug itself into his throat. He fell to the ground, he wanted to cry out but the only noise he could make was a strangled gurgle. Black spots danced around his vision and he stared at the blood, a lake with smaller rivers of crimson slowly moving away. It was the kind of thing that would have made him smile if he wasn’t in agony. He decided that’s what he would decide to focus on instead of Patton’s drones or the numbness that was slowly making its way through his body.

He didn’t know how long he paid attention to that before feeling a swift kick to his stomach That made him curl in on himself. He wanted to vomit.

Patton’s voice hasn’t changed from the stern, caring tone he’d had since the beginning. “Remus, how are you supposed to learn anything when you won’t pay attention? Look at me.”

Remus managed to move his body to look at him. He watched as the spikes moved out of his neck and tentacle, which fell limp to the floor. With a snap, Remus’s body began to repair itself, but the pain remained.

”Good.” Patton said, his smile mocked him. “I still want that apology and you owe Roman one too for how you behaved earlier.

Remus stared at him in disbelief. He was still thinking about that apology? That felt like decades ago... “’m sorry.” He mumbled. He really wasn’t in fact he wished his threats would actually come true and he could kill Patton.

Patton put his hand to his ear, “What was that? I couldn’t understand you.”

He had to be fucking with Remus. He wasn’t going to repeat himself, Patton got his apology! What more did he want?!

”I could make it worse you know. All of our damage is temporary so it’s not like anyone would know-“

“I’m sorry, okay?” He practically shouted, he hated this, but he didn’t want to make it worse.

Patron sighed and pat his head, “It’s a start kiddo. I hope you know now that violent and hurtful behavior will not be tolerated.” He kissed Remus’s forehead, “I love you, and I want you to start doing better for me. Okay?”

It wasn’t a question. It was a threat. One that they both knew he wouldn’t hesitate to act on. Morality meant knowing the difference between right and wrong and acting on it. Remus was wrong and there was no hesitation to Patton’s actions.

”Okay.“ Remus took a breath, “Can I take this thing off now?”

Patton shook his head, “No, I want you to keep it on, to remind you of what you learned today. Now, let’s take you to your room.”

Remus nodded and followed him, his head was starting to fuzz over. He felt like he was in a daze. The next thing he remembered was being tucked into bed.

“Hey Ro-boat?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m sorry for biting you earlier.”

“‘s okay, it didn’t even hurt that much! And Logan gave me this super cool dragon bandaid! Hang on let me get the light so I can show it to you.”

He heard Roman fiddling around, trying to get the switch and shook his head. “Show me in the morning. I just want to sleep right now.”

Roman swung his body so he was peering down at him from the top bunk, “You never want to sleep at night, what’s wrong?”

“I don’t feel too great.”

“Should I get Logan?”

”No-“

”Should I get Patton?”

Remus’s eyes shot open, “No!“ He took a deep breath, “Just... Just go to bed. I’ll be better in the morning I promise.“

“Okay...“ He pulled himself back into his bed, “Good night, Duke of Scarington.“

”Good night.”

#Unsympathetic Patton #Questionable Logan #Sympathetic Remus #Sympathetic Roman #Whump #tw child abuse #Tw claustrophobia #tw gore #tw manipulation #Rem Writes

[teacupfulofstarshine]

pattonella part 10: in which the author cannot write a fight scene to save her life but attempts to do so anyway

cw: cartoon/fantasy violence, injury, passing out, death of unnamed background villains, swearing

part 1 // part 2 // part 3 // part 4 // part 5 // part 6 // part 7 // part 8 // part 9 // read it on ao3!

in the end, it’s patton who stays behind. 

“you don’t have any battle experience,” virgil says. 

“you don’t either!”

“i’ve been trained in self-defense my whole life,” virgil says. “i used to have to spar against dorian when he was learning. and i have magic to compensate for when my skills fail me. you don’t have either of those things.”

“not to mention, roman will become distracted enough when he sees us ride to his rescue,” logan says. “if he realizes you are there as well, his distraction will be heightened, and the likelihood of his injury will increase.” 

virgil watches patton open his mouth to argue, tense his shoulders, and bow his head. “you’re right,” he says. “but - but roman is my - my - i care about him, and i care about you too, logan, and - and virge, you’re my brother! what if something happens?”

“nothing is gonna happen to us, pat.” virgil holds his hand out, and a shimmering purple hexagon appears over his palm. “i’ve got magic to shield us and keep us safe. logan and i will come home safe, and we’ll bring roman back to you alive. i promise.” 

patton wrings his hands anxiously, reaching forward and making small grabby hands at his brother. virgil surges forward and pulls him into a hug, wrapping one hand tightly around patton’s waist and letting the other one weave up into his hair. “it’s okay, pat. just wait here with nate, and i promise we’ll bring roman back.”

“i trust you,” patton says. “i always trust you, you know that. i just - i’m -”

“hey, you’re talking to the living embodiment of anxiety,” virgil jokes. patton laughs wetly into his shoulder. virgil leans back and presses his forehead to patton’s. it’s the most intimate display of love and trust between family, one that had taken virgil years to be fully comfortable with. patton exhales shakily. 

“i trust you,” patton says, softer this time, he kisses virgil’s forehead and smiles, eyes watering. “come home safe, okay vee?” 

“of course, pat.”

“i love you.”

“i love you too, pat.” 

patton looks to the doorway, where nate is waiting. virgil smiles when he sees patton’s family crest sewn over nate’s heart. patton squeezes virgil’s hand before following nate out of the armory. virgil exhales and turns to look at logan. the second prince has a crossbow strapped to his arm, two quivers slung over his shoulders, a box of crossbow bolts on each hip, and a proper bow in his hand. 

“that’s a lot of weaponry.”

“these are the weapons in which i am most proficient,” logan says. “do you have a weapon of choice?” 

virgil looks at all the weapons hanging on the walls. there are halberds bigger than he is, morning stars so heavy he doubts he could lift them, battle axes with blades thicker than his arm. he carefully selects a slender basket-hilted sword and straps the belt around his waist. he also pulls a few daggers off the wall and tucks them into the straps on his belt. 

“an interesting choice of weaponry,” logan says. “knives take a great deal of speed and skill to use properly in battle.”

“you’ve got one, don’t you?” 

“my weapons are primarily long-range,” logan says. “they are fired from horseback. i do not engage in direct combat if i can help it. that is not my area, not like it is roman’s. i do far better with the strategy of war than the actual fighting.”

“bet that’s why you’re so good at chess, huh?” virgil teases. logan smiles and steps forward. 

“i find that i would very much like to kiss you now, virgil.”

“i think that’s acceptable,” virgil says. logan gently holds his face with one hand, and virgil leans into logan’s long, cool fingers. his thumb strokes gently beneath virgil’s eye, and then logan leans in and kisses him. their noses bump together, and when virgil loops his arms around logan’s neck his fingers brush the fletching of the arrows.

“nothing is going to happen to roman,” virgil says. “nothing is going to happen to you. i won’t let it. i’ll die before i let that happen.”

“please do not die,” logan says, voice strangled. 

“i don’t plan to.” logan looks like he wants to argue more, but virgil kisses the words right out of his mouth.

*~*~*~*~*

thomas comes down to see them go. 

he watches logan saddle up his dappled grey horse, watches virgil tentatively pat the nose of his black horse, watches them load up saddlebags of supplies. logan is wearing chainmail, leather gloves, and leather arm guards, but virgil doesn’t have any armor on. 

“is that wise?” thomas asks. logan turns to face him. 

“virgil insisted that he did not want to be weighed down with armor.” 

“i notice your armor is fairly light as well.” thomas tries not to sound disapproving. judging by logan’s facial expression, he has not succeeded. 

“virgil has layered additional protection spells on both of us. heavy armor will only slow me down.” 

“patton is not with you.”

“he has less combat experience than we do, so he is staying in the castle.” logan’s face darkens with emotion so quickly that thomas can’t pinpoint what exactly he’s feeling. “thomas . . . please keep an eye on him?”

“of course, lo.” thomas wants to hug him tightly, wants to press his face into logan’s hair and beg his little brother to come home safely, but they are in the very public courtyard and he thinks it unwise. instead, he grips logan’s shoulder and squeezes just a touch too tightly. “be careful.”

“i always am,” logan says softly. 

thomas watches logan mount his horse, taking the reins with an expert hand. virgil takes a few more tries to get onto his horse, gripping the reins a little more tightly than logan does. he wathes them kick their horses into action and canter out of the castle courtyard. 

he curls his fingers tightly in the hem of his shirt and exhales a short, sharp prayer to whatever god may be listening. please, let them come home safe. all of them.

*~*~*~*~*

the village roman left to defend is roughly a day or two’s ride away from the castle at a measured pace. when they break at noon for lunch, logan spreads a map out and weighs it down with two rocks and curses. “this is nowhere near enough progress,” he curses. 

virgil looks up at him, and logan tries to release some of the stress from his tone. there’s no point in taking out his frustration on virgil; it isn’t his fault. “i know that there is no way for us to know when your vision will occur, but the sooner we can get to roman, the sooner we can protect him. what if we get there, and your vision has already transpired?” 

he kicks angrily at the grass, and virgil sets down the bread he’d been eating. logan feels a hand on his and a head leaning against his shoulder, and he exhales slowly. “roman is my baby brother,” he says softly. “even though he is the captain of the guard and he is the knight, i have always seen it as my responsibility to care for him and keep him safe. when - when our mother -”

logan cuts off, swallowing once, twice to control his emotions. “when our mother passed on, roman was . . . too young, really, to remember her. but thomas and i, we remember. we were there, shortly before the illness took her, and she made thomas promise to take care of me, and she made me promise to take care of roman. i take that very seriously.”

“i get it,” virgil says. “i take care of patton, even though he’s older than me.” 

“he is my brother,” logan repeats. he feels stupid for not being able to articulate his feelings more clearly, but virgil nods against his shoulder. 

“i understand.” 

he gently kisses logan’s neck, which makes logan shiver, and steps away. “maybe i can help.”

“what do you mean?” 

“i’m magic, l.” virgil carefully approaches the horses and lifts his hands. purple light begins to swirl around him, escaping in wisps from his fingertips and shining from every lock of his hair, which ruffles in some nonexistent wind. the horses toss their heads nervously, but virgil speaks a single word in that ancient, lost-to-time magical language, and they calm almost instantly. 

virgil lifts his hands, and he speaks. 

logan has studied many languages extensively. his role in life has always been perfectly clear: thomas is the crown prince, destined to be the next king; roman is the knight, the protector; logan is the diplomat, the lawmaker. even if he cannot speak a language, he can usually understand or at least recognize it. 

he doesn’t think anyone has ever heard the language virgil speaks to use magic. he doesn’t even know if virgil is consciously aware of the fact that he is speaking another language. logan can’t tell a noun from a verb from an adjective when virgil speaks, but he usually gets so enthralled in the way all of virgil’s speech flows together seamlessly to look for individual words. 

logan is not prone to figurative language. however, he thinks that if he had to assign a simile to his feelings when he listens to virgil speak magic, he would probably compare it to an orchestra. he could listen to pick out each instrument and its contribution to the whole, but it disrupts the collective genius of the whole. for once in his life, logan closes his eyes and stops trying to actively examine every single piece of the input he’s receiving. 

he just listens as virgil speaks. 

virgil finishes the spell with a flick of his wrists. purple magic speeds out from each hand and coils around the hooves of the horses before dissipating into sparkles. “what was that?” logan asks. 

virgil’s hair settles around his face, and when he turns to look at logan his irises gleam with the faintest spark of purple. “a speed spell, with any luck. i never really had any formal magic training, so for the most part i just kind of guess? i dunno, i concentrate really hard on the effect i wanna have and then the words just . . . come to me.” 

logan means to ask virgil if he can run some tests on this phenomenon once they have rescued roman and returned home safely. what comes out of his mouth is, “you are the single most fascinating creature on this planet.” 

virgil’s pale skin flushes pink to red to scarlet, and he rubs the back of his neck. “oh - geez, l, i - uh - really?”

“i would not say it if i did not mean it,” logan says earnestly. virgil’s eyes skitter from his shoulder to his ear to his face, and logan steps forward to kiss him gently. 

“we - we should finish eating,” virgil says. “and we should get going.”

“i agree.”

*~*~*~*~*

virgil breathes a quiet sigh of relief when he realizes that his speed spell works. the countryside passes them by in streaks of blurred color, even though their horses don’t appear to be moving any faster than a normal canter to either him or logan. when they dismount outside the village, virgil feels faintly dizzy, but logan is right there with a steadying hand on his elbow. 

“do you hear that?” he whispers. 

virgil does not, but logan slides his bow off his shoulder and grips it tightly. “distant fighting. i do not see any signs of conflict in the village, which means it must be elsewhere.” his hands shake ever so slightly, and virgil reaches up and takes logan’s free hand in his before he knows what he’s doing. 

“it’s okay,” he says. “we’re here. we’ll find ro, we’ll keep him safe, we’ll bring him home, okay?” 

logan lets out a long, controlled exhale. “okay. you are right, of course, my love.” virgil feels a pleasant fire curl in his chest at the nickname. “is the speed spell still on the horses?” 

“no, it dissolved when we got here. i could try and put it back on?”

logan shakes his head. “conserve your magical energy for the fight. if we can hear the battle, they cannot have gotten too far from us. we will lead the horses into town and ask if anyone has seen the prince.” 

virgil takes his horse’s reins in his hand and walks beside logan. as they enter the village, logan’s entire demeanor changes. he pushes his shoulders back, lifts his head, sets his jaw; his eyes become hard and focused. he looks less like logan, virgil’s . . . boyfriend? fiancé? partner? . . . and more like the kingdom’s second prince. 

a young woman looks up from sweeping the street in front of her house, catches sight of logan, and immediately drops into a deep curtsy. “your highness!” logan lifts a hand in greeting. 

“rise,” he tells her. “this is my consort, virgil. we are looking for my brother, his highness prince roman, who was dispatched here with some knights eight days ago to resolve a bandit situation.” 

“his highness lead the knights and some of our able-bodied villagers into the woods to ambush the bandits,” she tells them. “we hear the distant fighting, but we have no news. they left mid-morning.” 

logan nods. “thank you.” she curtsies again as logan swings up onto his horse. virgil grips his saddle and pulls himself up onto his own horse as best he can. “virgil, we must hurry.” 

“yeah.” 

they follow the path into the woods, hearing the sound of battle grow louder and louder. logan stops abruptly, dismounting and tying his horse up to a nearby tree. “we will be faster and less conspicuous on foot,” he whispers. virgil quickly dismounts and ties his own mount next to logan’s. he draws his sword, flexing his fingers around the hilt; logan pulls an arrow from one of his quivers and notches the arrow. 

virgil listens to the battle grow louder and louder and prays that they aren’t too late. 

*~*~*~*~*

dodge, roll, parry parry thrust slash shield up and block , spin and counter, thrust forward and bash and bring your sword up and then down, flat on your back with the wind knocked out of you, no time to recover bring your sword up now and block the strike, kick out and knock him down, spring up, sword down - 

roman loses himself to the rhythm of the fight. he can feel claire at his back, feel the adrenaline singing in his veins. these are his people; he swore an oath to defend them. he cannot let them down. he will not allow himself to be defeated. 

in the corner of his eye, he sees movement behind him. there is movement all around him in the chaotic ocean of battle, and he has to focus on the three bandits bearing down on him from the front. he has no time to turn and look behind him, and then -

an arrow sprouts out of the neck of the largest bandit. he gasps, chokes, drops his weapon and fumbles for his throat as he drops to his knees. roman is confused. he doesn’t remember bringing any archers in his encampment. he squints at the arrow and realizes that it’s fletched with dark blue. 

only one archer in the kingdom uses such arrows. 

the other two bandits grip their weapons more tightly. roman lifts his sword, and then -

“roman, get down, NOW!” 

roman whirls around in time to see an enemy archer in the trees. they fire, and he freezes; he can’t get out of the way in time, he won’t make it -

the arrow strikes a shimmering purple hexagon and drops harmlessly to the forest floor. behind him, roman hears a dull metallic thunk, spinning on his heel to see the weapons of the remaining bandits hit a wall of purple hexagons. two more dark-blue-fletched arrows sprout from their necks, and they drop like flies. 

logan is nowhere to be seen, but the enemy archer falls out of the tree with a cluster of arrows in her chest. virgil bursts into the clearing, hands glowing bright purple. he draws the sword hanging at his hip, and purple light spirals down the blade. “come and get me, motherfuckers!” he shrieks, head wreathed in purple fire, eyes glowing. 

bandit after bandit falls to logan’s arrows, but none of them can seem to find where, exactly, the second prince is. virgil is swarmed by bandits, but he stabs his sword into the ground and produces a shockwave of purple magic that sends them all flying. the wounds he leaves glow with purple light, and any bandits bearing such wounds stagger to an unconscious halt within minutes, no matter how slight the wound. 

virgil slashes his way across the battlefield. his hair whips around him, and a string of rotating purple hexagons swirl around his body. whenever an attack comes towards him, whether it be an arrow or a sword or a fist, a hexagon detaches from the string and grows and blocks the attack. roman can feel himself beginning to flag, but he finds himself face to face with virgil. he lifts his glowing sword and touches the tip to roman’s chest. 

roman inhales sharply as strength and vigor begin to flood into him. “i have dispatched the enemy,” virgil rumbles. “take their energy and drive them out.” roman connects the power in hie veins to the comatose bandits on the forest floor and grins. virgil smiles back at him, feral and unhinged, and whirls around to bring his sword crashing down on the head of a bandit attempting to sneak up behind him. 

another arrow blooms from the shoulder of a nearby bandit, and roman raises his sword. 

*~*~*~*~*

the battle goes swiftly with virgil and logan’s assistance. 

roman hoists his sword high over the clearing as the last of the bandits flee and fall beneath his forces. “victory!” he cries. the rest of his knights lift their weapons and echo his sentiment. he sees claire across the battlefield, wincing as she makes her way over to him. 

“are you injured?” 

“a few cuts, probably a mild sprain. i’ll be alright, your highness. you?” 

roman looks down at his arms and inhales shakily. there are a few small cuts littering his hands and forearms, but as he watches purple light travels across them and leaves clean, unbroken skin in its wake. he looks up to see virgil, still glowing with an almost unholy light, sword almost too bright to look at. 

“i have more energy than i can contain,” virgil says. his eyes are solid purple, glowing as he stares at roman. “if his highness permits it, i will heal his knights.”

“will it hurt you?” roman asks. 

“i have the energy to spare.”

roman looks at claire, then back to virgil, and nods. “do it.” 

virgil nods. “as you wish.” he turns his back to logan, heaves his sword up with two hands, and drives the blade into the earth. another shockwave of purple magic ripples out over the battlefield. instead of damge, however, this one bathes roman’s knights and the villagers who’d accompanied them in soft purple light. gasps of shock echo across the battlefield as tendrils of magic wrap around any injuries sustained in battle and carefully heal them. 

“roman!” 

roman whirls around to see logan drop from a tree and sprint across the battlefield. he’s breathing heavily; there’s a slice on his cheek from where his bowstring must have rebounded, and his fingers are bruised and rubbed raw. logan drops his bow and grips roman’s shoulders. 

“are you alright?! have you sustained any serious injury?!”

“what are you doing here?” roman asks. 

“virgil had a vision,” logan says. “you were struck by an arrow and killed in battle. we could not let that happen, roman, i -”

roman drops his sword, decorum be damned, and throws himself forward to hug his brother. logan stiffens at the sudden contact, but quickly melts to hold him tightly. “i was so scared,” logan murmurs. “i know you are a competent swordsman, but when virgil told me you were fated to die, i -”

“i know,” roman murmurs. he pushes his face into logan’s neck; his brother is sweaty and too-warm, but roman refuses to let go. “i know, but i’m here. i’m okay.” 

logan pulls back and studies him critically. “are you injured?”

“i was.” 

“what do you mean, wa - virgil?!” 

virgil slowly approaches them, still surrounded by ethereal purple light. “beloved,” he says. logan swallows, hard. “you are injured. allow me to help you.” he steps forward, brings his glowing hands up, and pulls logan into a deep kiss. logan’s eyes widen in shock before slipping shut. virgil supports logan as he dips him backwards, and purple light travels through logan. roman watches his cuts seal up and his injuries heal themselves. 

logan brings a hand up to touch his lips when virgil finally breaks the kiss. “i . . . you . . . wh . . .”

virgil smiles. it’s different than the feral grin he’d had in the heat of battle; this one is soft and loving. “beloved,” he says again. virgil blinks, and the purple light dissipates from him all at once. he sways on his feet, looking completely and utterly exhausted, and pitches forward into logan’s arms. 

“virgil!” logan gasps, catching him and slowly lowering them to the ground. 

“shit, is he -”

logan already has two fingers on his neck looking for a pulse. “his pulse is weaker than i would like, but he is breathing. i suspect he overexerted himself during that fight. i have never seen him use that much magic at once.”

“the doc will be able to help him, right?” 

“most assuredly,” logan says. he looks up at roman and sighs. “would you care to return home, roman?” 

roman thinks of patton, bright and smiling, running to greet him in the courtyard. he pictures sweeping patton off his feet and spinning him around and showering his round face in kisses before connecting their mouths and thoroughly reacquainting himself with the taste of his beloved. 

“yeah, lo. let’s go home. 

#starshinewrites #sanders sides cinderella!au #pattonella!au #romantic analogical #romantic royality #platonic TLAMP

[98prilla]

Gray

Previous

AO3

Part three of what I’m dubbing my “dark side logan” series. 

Patton is having a bout of depression after everything that has changed in the mindscape, and his own failures as a friend. Ambition decides to visit for a talk. 

….

He is having a “gray day”.  

 It doesn’t happen often, though it happens more than it used to. He’s trying to let himself feel all his emotions, even when they hurt, or make him feel bad, because repression doesn’t help, he knows this, now.  

 So, it is a gray a day. A day where the sparkling sepia of his room is gone, dimmed, the comforting aura of summer days and childhood nostalgia shifting into cold winters and soft regrets. A day where nothing seems bright, or good, or happy. A day where everything and anything brings tears to his eyes, so he doesn’t leave his room, because even that takes too much energy.

 Instead, he is laying atop his bed, not even under the blankets, staring blankly up at the ceiling. He can feel the fat drops of tears slipping down his face, but he doesn’t move to wipe them away. He is numb, more than anything else, he is numb against the pain as he turns up the volume on his ear buds.

 It’s Logan’s playlist. Listening makes him feel worse, makes the numbness recede enough for the ache to set in, and he doesn’t know which is worse. Feeling nothing or everything.

 Still, a smile slips through as the elements song plays, reminding him of when Logan would quietly hum it to himself, remembering the pride in his voice as he recited it from memory for the first time, having listened to it endlessly on repeat after Thomas had heard it in science class. Roman had given him a standing ovation.

 In the next breath, his small joy turns to burning shame as Erase Me plays. It is so obvious, had been so obvious, that Logan was hurting, that he was hurting so, so badly. He is emotion, he is supposed to know what the others are feeling, he is supposed to help them, he knew Logan was having a hard time, he knew he was in pain, and he hadn’t said anything, hadn’t stepped in, because, what?

 He was afraid? Afraid of offending Logan, afraid of pushing him away, afraid of breaching his privacy, afraid of making him even more unlikely to share his feelings in the future?

 He’d done a terrible job at being Logan’s friend. He hadn’t listened to him, had never acknowledged his contributions, had belittled and talked over him until he didn’t even see the point in speaking anymore.  

 And now it is too quiet. The silence follows him everywhere. He misses coming into the kitchen, Logan already sipping his tea, book open in front of him. He misses being in the commons, Logan idly sharing factoids about whatever is on the television, or spouting information from whatever topic he’s currently researching, he misses Logan’s quiet and steady presence, misses his grounding influence, misses the way he was always, always there.

 He wishes he’d given Logan even half of the care Logan had given them. He wishes he’d put aside his own stupid doubts and talked to him sooner. He wishes he’d ever taken a second to ask Logan if he was ok, because he knew that he wasn’t.

 But it doesn’t matter anymore. Logan left.

That brings another wave of tears down his face, and he rolls over onto his side, hiding his face against his pillow as he sobs silently, clutching to his chest his scrapbook, the one with a picture of the four of them on the cover, and he can’t bring himself to open it, even, to look at them, happy and together, and wonder if Logan had actually been happy in any of them.

 He knows it is selfish, this mourning, because Logan isn’t gone, gone, not really. And as much as he’s mourning for all the willfully ignorant hurt they put Logan through, that’s only half of why he feels like this.

 The other half is because he knows that Logan is happier now. He knows that Deceit will take care of him, that Remus will protect him. He knows Ambition will have long debates about philosophy with Deceit, that don’t end in frustration and anger but in mutual appreciation. He knows Remus will drag him outdoors, and Ambition will appreciate the complexness of his creatures, probably fill binders full of notebooks with scientific observations and notes about their behaviors and physiology.

 It’s selfish and low of him and he hates himself for it, but he aches because he knows that Ambition is happier. And he’s sorry, so desperately, endlessly, sorry, that it took Logan leaving to force him to see how badly he needed someone, anyone, to reach out to him.

 He doesn’t realize what he’s doing until he’s already doing it. Because if he thinks about this, he will lose his nerve, and he won’t do that again, won’t hesitate now, when last time it cost him one of his best friends.

 He feels their eyes on him as soon as he pops up, hovering uncertainly in the entryway, not wanting to intrude on their space, because this is their space, and he’s been shitty enough to them in the past, the very least he can do is simply respect them.

 “Patton.” Deceit’s voice is surprised, tinted with an edge of concern, and a fair bit of suspicion. Which is fair, honestly, given everything between them. Everything that happened with Logan.

 “Lookin pretty disheveled, Daddio, did someone show you a good time?” Remus asks, exchanging a worried glance with Deceit as Patton doesn’t react at all to his comment.

 “I’m sorry. I should have listened to you. About… about the callback, and the wedding. Not… all of it, but there could have been a compromise, there could have been something else there, and I wasn’t willing to listen. I never listen and I should and you should be heard and not just dismissed. I… I screwed everything up. I’m sorry.”

 “Patton, are you alright? Not that I don’t appreciate the apology and enjoy you finally broadening your horizons a little, but…”

 “But you look like shit. And not the fun kind.”

 “didn’t know there was a fun kind.” He murmurs, voice wavering, and they exchange another wide eyed look of alarm as Patton chokes back a gasping sob, one hand flying to cover his mouth, the other wrapping tight around his middle in an almost hug.

 “remus. I’m sorry I dismiss your ideas right away. I’m sorry I don’t take you more seriously. I’m sorry I classified you as bad and Roman as good. You’re not bad, you're just you, always and unapologetically, and that’s not bad, that’s brave. I’m proud of you, kiddo. I’m… I’m proud of both of you, not… not that that probably means much to either of you. I don’t think it should mean much of anything, anymore.”

 “Patton. Please. What’s wrong?” There’s a desperate edge to Deceit’s voice, that makes him hesitate for just a moment, but it’s not their problem, and it shouldn’t be and he’d said what he came to say.

 “Nothing. Absolutely nothing.” He whispers. He sinks out before the noise building in his chest can escape his lips, before the pain can turn itself into sound, before he says or does something that makes them feel obligated to care.

 He collapses back onto his bed, this time pulling the covers up over his head, burying his face in the scarf he’d dug out of the closet earlier, holding it tight to his chest and curling around it, barely able to gasp in air through the fit of tears shaking him to the core, because it was Logan’s scarf, from his Sherlock outfit.

 He wants those days back, more than anything, he wants just one more silly roleplaying adventure of Watson and Sherlock, running around the mindscape solving mysteries, driving the other sides up the wall with their antics, it was one of the few times Logan let himself be seen having fun, had showed himself loosening up, ruddy cheeked and breathless as he accused Roman of drinking the last of the orange juice and putting the empty carton back in the fridge while he gasped in surprised horror at the crime, or tracking down Virgil’s lost head phones, interviewing suspects, until their path led them to under the couch, where they’d been accidentally kicked to after Virgil had set them down on the floor.

 He misses Logan’s smiles, his small, proud smile, when they all learned something, his soft, stricken smile when he learned something, his tight lipped, frustrated smile, his grinning, rare, wild smile, his soft voice, his loud voice, his frustration, his joy, he misses it, misses it, misses it.

 He slips his ear buds back in, numbing nothingness cresting back over him as he breathes in the scent of Logan, pressed laundry and sun warmed wood, the playlist starting back up at Equation, from the Little Prince. Surprisingly, one of Logan’s favorites. He wonders if it still is.

 …

“So… that wasn’t normal, right? I’m not going even more mad, that just happened, right?” Remus asks, eyes flicking between Deceit and where Patton had just been standing.

 “Whatever it was, it was… sincere. The only part that was a lie, was-“

 “him being ok? Yeah, that doesn’t take a genius to figure out.” Deceit frowns, looking at Remus, who quickly looks away.

 “Remus. He meant every word he said about you.”

 “Who did?” They both look a bit guilty as they look at Cygnus, who is looking at them with an eyebrow raised.

 “Patton.” Remus blurts out, and Cygnus inhales sharply, eyes narrowing.

 “What did he say? I told them to stay away from you, if he hurt you, I swear-“

 “Cyg. He… apologized. To the both of us. He looked… very bad, honestly. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Patton acting so… un patton like.” Deceit interrupts, before Cygnus can get riled up even more. Instantly, he relaxes slightly, though his gaze is still puzzled.

 “I… is he… ok?” Deceit bites his lip and Remus shakes his head firmly.”

 “No. no, he’s not, he’s really, really not.” Cygnus takes a deep breath in, reaching to readjust glasses that are no longer there. Old habits are hard to break.

 “It’s ok to still care about them, lovely. It’s ok to go visit. And I think… I think Patton has some things he wants to say, now. And I think it would be good for you to hear them.” Cygnus hesitates, before smiling smally, shaking his head.

 “alright. You’re right, as always. I… will be back shortly. I suppose.” Cygnus shoots them a small, brave smile, before vanishing.

…

 He doesn’t know how long he’s been laying here. The music has long since gone dead, but he doesn’t have the will to turn on something else, or to start it again. He’s replaying Ambition’s words over and over.

 He was right. In that moment, all he had been afraid of was being left alone to handle Roman and Virgil. He can’t do it on his own, he can’t do it alone, and he’s not the perfect pinnacle of light, he knows this, more deeply than probably the others realize, and how could he not have noticed Logan was gone for five whole days?

 There’s no excuse. He doesn’t have one, wouldn’t even attempt to produce one, because there are no words that can justify that lack of attention. He’s been a terrible, awful, horrible friend.

 “I’m not mad. I could never be mad, at what you did. You… you did what was best, for you. And you’re happy now. You’re… you’re taken care of and listened to and all the things we didn’t do for you but should have. I’m happy for you, I am! I’m just… I’m sad for me.” His voice wavers, breaking, because he knows how selfish that is, how terrible it sounds, after everything, but it’s the truth, and he won’t give anything less to Ambition.

 He hears Ambition let out a soft, low breath, feels the bed dip down as Ambition sits on the edge, and he curls tighter underneath the covers, glad he’s already spent all his tears for the day, already emptied himself out.

 “i’m sad. I’m so, brokenly, sad. Because I should have known. I should have said something. I should have been there, for you. And I wasn’t. I haven’t been. And I miss…” his voice cracks and he is proven wrong, more tears slipping down his face as he swallows, “I miss you. It’s selfish and stupid, and I know it, but I miss you. And I wish…” He can’t finish his sentence. He’s so choked up he can barely breathe. He doesn’t need to, he supposes. Ambition can already tell, better than he can put into words what exactly he wishes.

 “oh, Patton.” Ambition murmurs, the softness in his voice only makes him cry harder, because he doesn’t deserve that, not from Ambition.

 Cygnus doesn’t know what to do. He can feel everything Patton wishes and wants, and it is a conflicting cacophony of sorrow and hope and want and fear.

 He wants everything to go back to the way it was, but he wants Ambition to be heard. He wants Logan back. He doesn’t want Logan back if he’s going to be unhappy. He wants to hate Deceit and Remus for taking away Logan, but he knows it isn’t their fault, he loves them for taking care of Ambition, loves them for loving Ambition as he should be loved, he wishes he didn’t wish for any of this, he wishes he didn’t feel at all, he wishes he could just somehow fix everything even though he knows that’s impossible.

 Above and beyond all of it, all of the turmoil, is one singular burning wish.

 He wants Ambition to know he still loves him, even if Ambition hates him, as he has every right to. Nothing could stop Patton from loving him.

 “I’m sorry this is what it took, for you to be listened to. To be happy. I’m sorry I didn’t give you what you needed. I’m sorry I wasn’t good. I’m sorry I didn’t notice. I’m sorry I didn’t care. And I’m sorry that I’m sorry because being sorry now seems like too little too late!” He sobs, not looking up as he feels the blanket being gently folded over, his head now exposed from under the covers, and he feels Ambition freeze for a moment, at the sight of him.

 He must look a mess. He doesn’t care, it doesn’t matter, he just… doesn’t know, anymore, doesn’t know what he feels or wants to feel or wants at all, because everything he wants he can’t have, he doesn’t want Logan back at the expense of Ambition’s wellbeing and mental health, he wants Ambition to be happy, he wants Logan back, he can’t want both, but he does, and it hurts, and he deserves the hurt, because this surely must be what Logan was feeling before he left.

 “Patton. I’m still here. I’m still me. My role has changed, yes, but not my personality. I’m still here.”

 “I know. And it should make me feel better, but it doesn’t, because I know now that I don’t know anything about you, I never took the time to really truly know you, and I know this… guilt and shame, it doesn’t help anything, it doesn’t make up for anything, it’s nothing but selfish, but I can’t help it, because I hurt you!” he swipes at his eyes, having sat up during his outburst, legs pulled to his chest. “I hurt you. And I’m sorry. And that’s not enough. I know it isn’t. But it’s all I have.” He whispers, head against his knees, eyes closed as he tries to take a shuddering breath, tries to calm himself before he breaks completely.  

 “Patton. I don’t… I don’t hate you. I know I was harsh, with you especially, but I don’t hate you. I was angry. I still am, a bit, and I’m hurt, but I don’t hate you, Patton.” He feels Ambition carefully wrap an arm around his shoulders, and before he can stop himself, he lets out a pained cry, folding against Ambition’s side, burying his head against his side, crying harder as Ambition’s other arm encircles him in a soft embrace.

 “s-sorry, I’m s-s-sorry, you sh-shouldn’t have to b-be here right now, I’m n-n-not your problem.” He chokes out, shame bubbling in him because he can’t bring himself to pull away, even though he should. Instead, Ambition just holds him closer, letting him sob himself dry once more, until he is barely sniffling, exhaustion cresting over him, that almost wonderful numbness creeping back into his bones, settling into a depressed apathy.

 “You’re right. You’re not my problem. But I would like to still be your friend. I don’t mean to be antagonistic. I still want to work with everyone. None of that changes.” Ambition replies.

 “y-you d-do? S-still want to b-b-be friends?” he asks, brokenly, looking up at Ambition’s mismatched eyes, lip trembling, and he’s so utterly miserable that Ambition doesn’t think he could say no if he tried his hardest. But he doesn’t want to.  

 “yes. I do, Patton. Deceit and Remus are my family now. They love me like family should, take care of me like family should, that’s what I needed, that’s why I moved, because I needed to put myself first and take care of myself for once. You failed, as my family.” He flinches, but he doesn’t say otherwise, because Ambition is right, they did, he did, and it hurts, but it should. “but I think we will do better as just friends, instead of family. I think not living together anymore will help alleviate some of our problems. Will help me be listened to, more. And If I am not listened to by you all, I won’t be as frustrated because I know Deceit and Remus will.”

 “I’m sorry.” He whispers, because that’s all he can muster, as lame and lackluster as it is, it’s all he can say, because he had enough chances to do something about it and hadn’t. “I want to do better, I want to be better, I want… I want whatever you’re willing to give me, I…” he doesn’t realize his eyes are slipping shut as he feels Ambition gently stroking his hair.

 “I know, Pat. I’m not… I’m not going to give you everything, right away. I might never give you my name. But I will give you another chance, to start over. To… to try again.”

 “I wouldn’t ask anything more from you. I wouldn’t even ask that of you.” He mumbles, barely aware anymore, because this feels so good, it unties something inside of him, it gives him hope that things can get better, that they will get better. It is one tiny ray of light that cuts through the gray.

 “What you said, to Deceit and Remus… why?” He swallows hard.

 “because I should have said it sooner. I hesitated with you. I broke the last of what we had. I won’t do that again, I won’t ignore that again, I won’t… I won’t let anyone else be hurt like I hurt you.”

 “I… that’s good, Patton. That’s a good first step, to making things right. It tells me you mean it, when you say you want to be better. You’re willing to actually put in the work and the time to change for the better. I know that isn’t easy.” Ambition’s voice is a rumble against him, and he feels him pulling away.

 He wants to grab hold, to not let go, to be held tight and close until he falls asleep and wakes up well rested for the first time in nearly a week, but he desperately tries not to want that, because then Ambition will know that he wants that, and he won’t ask Ambition for it, because he hasn’t earned that closeness with him.

 He hears Ambition sigh softly as he tucks him in, managing to peek his eyes open as he feels Ambition softly tuck his hair back behind his ear. There are so many more words he wants to say, but he doesn’t need to say them, because Ambition already knows.

 “I love you.” He mumbles instead, because it’s still true, will always be true, no matter what, he loves them all.

 “I know. If… if you wish, once you are rested, you should come have a longer conversation with Deceit and Remus. I think everyone would benefit.”

 “ok.” He whispers. Ambition hesitates in the doorway, before stepping out into the hall, closing the door softly as Patton’s eyes slip closed. He freezes as he hears another door open, eyes meeting Virgil’s.

 He stays frozen as Virgil approaches, unable to read anything from him, he is keeping his thoughts so controlled that he can glean nothing from him, even as he stands right before him, fiddling with his hoodie ties, dark hair hiding his face.

 “hey.” Virgil says softly, hesitating. “he… he doing okay?” Virgil finishes, nodding towards Patton’s door.

 “He’s… doing better. We talked. I… it helped, I think.” Virgil nods, biting his lip, hand on the doorknob, pausing before he turns it, looking back at Ambition with hesitant trepidation.

 “Are… are you doing okay?” Ambition smiles smally, looking down at the ground.

 “yes. More than ok, in fact.”

 “Good. I… that’s good. They… Deceit and Remus… they’re doing alright with all of this too, yeah?” That gives Ambition pause, there’s something to unpack there, but he doesn’t know what exactly it is, and now isn’t the time to pry.

 “They’re fine, Virgil. We all are.” Virgil winces a bit, at the use of “we”, rubbing his forehead in the way he only does when he’s overwhelmed or frustrated or both.

 “cool. I… just… it’s goodtoseeyou,Ambition.” He stumbles out, then he’s in Patton’s room and the door is closed and Ambition is left staring at the closed door, wondering what exactly that was all about.

 Perhaps he’ll ask Deceit and Remus for their side of the story later, now that Patton is on the road to doing ok. At least he didn’t seem angry anymore, just… off.

 For now, he has to get Deceit and Remus ready for a longer visit from Patton. He doesn’t know how they’ll react, but a conversation is necessary. And he thinks they are all ready for it. Ready to start moving forwards. To start being… better.

#logan sanders #deceit sanders #sympathetic deceit #remus sanders #sympathetic remus #dark side logan #Ambition!Logan #patton sanders #sanders sides #patton angst #heavy angst #Angst with a happy ending #emotional hurt/comfort #virgil sanders #mild depression #sympathetic everyone

[xpouii]

Intrulogical (sub remus if possible?) 9. Humiliation (public)

Hello! This is fairly mild as far as public Humiliation could go but I think you’ll like it!

Tags/Warnings: Intrulogical, D/s, public humiliation, bondage, toys, secret public play

           Remus rose up with his Morningstar slung over his shoulder, shivering as soon as his feet met the floor. Thomas groaned in frustration, “You too?! Come on guys this was supposed to be a simple issue!”

           “It’s perfectly simple,” Logan said. “You’re just… panicking, and it’s sending out mixed signals.”

           “You’re thinking of lying, but I doubt you will, so thanks for wasting my time,” Deceit said smoothly. “I love standing around and listening to you idiots argue.”

           Remus whimpered and everyone glanced at him for a moment then quickly away; the light sides—and Thomas—had grown used to ignoring him. For once, Remus didn’t mind as Logan used his phone to raise the intensity of the vibrator inside him. He could feel it down into his legs, and standing up without trembling was becoming increasingly bothersome. The tight clamps on his nipples pulled when he folded his arms, and he dropped the Morningstar with a loud thud, “I say you kill your neighbor!” he shouted to cover it up.

           Thomas rolled his eyes, but Deceit raised an eyebrow. Normally, Remus’ suggestions had some more creativity behind them than that. An uncharacteristic blush rose on Remus’ cheeks and he glanced away, looking at his brother who was making a flowery, useless suggestion. “Selfies fix everything, Thomas. Why do you think I take so many?”

           “Roman-” Thomas started, but Virgil jumped in.

           “We’re already feeling like this and you want to ask for more attention? What’s wrong with you, Princey!”

           Roman huffed, “Well Virgil, some of us like the attention! Thomas feels better with human interaction!”

           “Fighting is really not helping!” Thomas pleaded.

           “Yeah guys let’s play nice,” Patton said. “Thomas needs us, and we have to work together.”

           “This is all a bit silly,” Logan said calmly, tapping away on his phone. “We established a long time ago that obsessing over analytics would only cause heightened anxiety.”

           Remus squeaked and pressed himself back against the wall. Roman glanced at him but Deceit moved closer, causing Remus to shy away, “What if you k-killed your neighbor and… and f-filmed it?” Remus said. “That should jostle the… the…”

           “Analytics,” Deceit finished for him. “Are you alright, Remus?”

           Remus opened his mouth but the others were already moving on, and Logan made no move to distract Deceit—leaving Remus to fend for himself. Thomas sat down on the couch, “Ok so I know obsessing is wrong but… this was a huge drop.”

           “Maybe it’s an honest mistake,” Patton said.

           “That’s a fair point,” Logan said. “It could be computer error, and even if it isn’t, you aren’t going to lose your career over one low-performing video.”

           “He could lose sponsors!” Virgil cried. “Or what if he loses subscribers and he’s no longer verified!”

           “Virgil your contributions are somehow even less helpful than Son of Sam over here,” Roman said.

           “Please,” Patton said. “No name dropping scary people or we’ll have nightmares. I can’t take another one so soon.”

           “I’m sure Remus will behave himself,” Roman said. “No nightmares, Remus!”

           “Ok,” Remus said, and that was all he could manage. His cock had never been so hard, and he wanted desperately to sink into the floor.

           “Ok?” Virgil said. “What the hell is your deal, Remus?”

           “Deal or no deal,” Remus muttered.

           “He’s fine,” Deceit said. “Perfectly normal.”

           Virgil folded his arms, “No, he isn’t. Something’s up. What are you two up to!?”

           “Up to!” Deceit laughed, “I assure you I know exactly what you’re talking about!”

           “Stop being cute,” Virgil said. “It’s a terrible look on you.”

           “Ok!” Thomas interrupted. “Is Remus really the priority here!”

           “He might as well be,” Logan said, sliding his finger up the screen to max out the vibrator’s strength. “We’ve already solved your issue, and Virgil’s already moved on as well.”

           “Listen it’s not that the analytics aren’t important but seriously, Remus is being fucking weird,” Virgil said.

           “I’m always weird?” Remus said, trying to keep his voice from breaking. “I love weird!”

           Thomas sighed, “Ok fine Logan I’ll wait for the next video to lose my mind about it. Sound fair, Virgil?”

           “Yeah, yeah,” Virgil said, completely distracted as he sank out.

           Deceit glanced one last time at Remus before leaving as well. “Well this was fun!” Patton said. “I’m glad you feel better, Thomas!”

           Thomas smiled at Patton, quickly distracted by Roman, “Seriously Thomas, more selfies!”

           “I promise,” Thomas chuckled, picking up his phone and leaving the livingroom as the last of the Sides returned to the mindscape.

           Remus and Logan appeared in Logan’s room and the creative side went to his knees, letting out a choked moan. Logan waved his hand and Remus’ clothes disappeared, revealing the clamps, and the intricate tapestry of ropes tied around him, “How do you think you did?”

           “I did… I did well?” Remus asked hopefully.

           Logan smiled, “You did perfect, no ducking out or panicking.” He met Remus’ eyes, sliding his leg between the creative side’s thighs, the rough denim dragging against Remus’ straining cock. “Do you want to cum?”

           Remus nodded eagerly, and when Logan nodded his permission, he rocked against his Dom’s leg, wrapping his arms around Logan and pressing desperate kisses to Logan’s clothed hip. Logan carded his fingers through Remus’ hair, “Cum for me, pet. You can do it.”

           Remus didn’t have to hold back, and he moaned and rutted and babbled, broken swears and gratitude. Logan was used to the way Remus would fall apart, what little control he had over his words leaving him as pleasure, submission and that exchange of power took him to pieces. It was one of Logan’s favorite things to witness. Remus bit his bottom lip and his hips moved more erratic, a few jerking, desperate movements and he was cumming, on himself, on Logan’s jeans and the floor, “Thank you! Thank you thank you thank-”

           Logan cupped Remus’ chin and bent to kiss his forehead, “You’re welcome, pet. I’m proud of you.”

           Remus rubbed his cheek against Logan’s leg and sighed happily, then with Logan’s help he stood on wobbly legs. Logan removed the ropes, clamps, vibrator, and Remus shivered at the loss of overwhelming sensation. Logan cleaned him up, as much as Remus protested that he’d rather carry the scent of sex on him as long as possible. Logan wasn’t the kind of Dom to let his sub go away messy. Once he was finished, he returned Remus’ clothing. “It was fun,” Remus said, his mind starting to come back around.

           “Very,” Logan said. “Although I suspect you’d better get back to your room soon. Deceit and Virgil are probably going to have questions.”

           Remus sighed, “I’m not a fan of having secrets, but I love being one.”

           Logan smiled, watching him sink out, “And I plan on keeping you.”

#intrulogical #not safe for sanders #no minors #fanfiction #drabble asks

[atlas-tries]

Shatter Me Chapter 3: Shatter Me

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Summary: Patton finds a painful memory and Janus has a vision. Will it be enough to thwart the outcomes that await?

Notes: Redundant, no? Not gonna lie, fam, it's about to get to the darkest point. Trigger warnings for character death.

“Patton, are you sure you aren’t a hoarder?” Virgil asked, pushing aside a mountain of plushies where he had been unfortunate enough to land. This was the first time the anxious side had been in Patton’s room since he moved to their part of the Mindscape (also the first time he had ever been to Patton’s room) and Patton was beside himself to have him here.

“Absolutely! I just like to keep a few sentimental things around to look at when I’m feeling down,” Patton replied. “But I guess it uh, wouldn’t hurt to clean up a little. Gotta make room for more memories, right? I actually have the energy to do it now!”

Virgil looked at Patton with a lopsided grin. “Wait, what? You, not having the energy to do something? How’d that happen?”

“Ah right, you weren’t here for uh … all of that. Let’s just say I was recovering from an injury I got several months ago,” Patton said, instantly noting the worried change in Virgil’s expression. “Hold on, it’s alright, I’m alright now, see?” He lifted his shirt to showcase the few tiny cracks that remained. “I’m almost completely healed. Logan even gave me his seal of approval!” He pulled out a little medallion with Logan’s bespectacled brain signet on it. “See?”

Virgil breathed out a visible sigh of relief. He shook a finger at Patton. “Awesome,” he said, his voice cracking a little at the end.

“Alright, so you said you were looking for …” Patton started.

“… this one angsty poem Thomas wrote in high school. I thought I’d uh, spice the ruminating up a little when Thomas heads to bed tonight,” Virgil replied. “No better way to fall asleep than thinking about everything that’s gone wrong or that will go wrong, am I right?”

Patton smiled. “Sure, kiddo, as long as they’re balanced with happier thoughts during the daytime! Let’s see, I think what you’re looking for is over here.” He ran toward his version of the staircase that was piled high with boxes and other larger memorabilia that wouldn’t fit on the bookshelf. He glanced through a few of them, perking up a little when he came to the box on the fourth stair. “I think this is it!” He grabbed the box and ran back to Virgil.

“Keep them as long as you need them,” Patton said with a smile. He handed it over to Virgil, who nearly doubled over from the weight of the things inside. Virgil choked out a thanks and quickly sank out.

“Well, that’s one box temporarily dealt with. Now, about the rest of this marvelous mountain of memories …” Patton, though he would never outrightly admit it, didn’t like moving things around very much. It filled him with dread just thinking about moving something somewhere he would inevitably forget about it. Maybe it would be better to start smaller? He looked around for somewhere less cluttered to start. Finally, his eyes landed on the overflowing box labeled New Memories. “That’ll do for now.” He took the box carefully upstairs to his bedroom and got to work sorting its contents.

In around half an hour, everything was categorized into neat little piles that could be easily transferred to other more fitting storage spaces. Patton began collecting everything from the Friends and Coworkers pile and carried them to his dresser. The top drawer was for everything related to Joan. Admittedly, this one was getting a little bloated from all the fun stuff they and Thomas had ever done together. Still, Patton managed to find space for the newer memories in the crevices that remained. The rest made their way into their respective drawers, packed in tightly with all the rest of them.

Patton closed the drawers, smiled, and put his hands on his hips. “Perfect!” he said. Now all that was left was to take the box back to his version of the living room. He picked the box up and startled when it hissed at him. Something was still in there. He peeked into the box at the thing that had just slid toward him, an upside-down picture frame from the looks of it. Steadying the box with one hand, he reached in and flipped it over.

The last memory he had of Thomas’s now ex-boyfriend stared up at him from the bottom of the box.

His hands trembled a little as he stared at this frighteningly still image. “Nope nope nope, not today,” he said, closing the box and walking as quickly as he could to put it back where it belonged. Despite ridding himself of the visual, this memory was still going to make itself heard in the only way it knew how. Patton clutched at his chest hard and the box crashed to the living room floor. “N-not again …”

He sat down on the stairs a moment to regain control of his breathing. Searing lines thrummed in time with his heartbeat, dulled but not forgotten. This was another reason why he never bothered to clean up: too much of a chance to reopen old wounds. Patton rose with a wince to get that recording of the Rainforest Rap. That song always helped cheer him up. He kept the song on repeat until he felt some semblance of normalcy again.

For the rest of the week, Patton lay awake during the nights, praying that the darkness would somehow take away the memories that hurt him so. It, as many spectral entities do, provided no such reprieve. Certainly not enough to quell the ache settling further into his core as the days passed. Taking liberties in his duties here and there made things far more manageable. Just yesterday, Patton suggested Thomas indulge in a half a pack of Oreos and he listened. The day before, he had come thiiiiiis close to getting an actual bouncy castle! And today, Patton had one little plan he thought everyone would jump for (but not in a bouncy castle).

If everything went according to Patton’s plan, they would spend the next 48 hours rewatching The Office in a blanket fort with Thomas’s closest friends. They could all use a break right about now, what with Roman steamrolling through coming up with new concepts, Logan pulling all-nighters researching for new videos, and Virgil making sure everyone was staying on time with Logan’s schedule. He couldn’t wait to see how everyone else liked this idea! He was already out the door and nearly to the stairs when he heard muffled shouting coming from the living room below.

“—not seriously thinking of going along with this latest plan, are you? I have far too much to plan if we’re to keep this project at its utmost quality!”

Patton stopped dead in his tracks at the top of the stairs.

“I know, Roman, I’m concerned about this, too. We’re woefully behind schedule as it is,” Logan added. “If we don’t do something about this, my carefully constructed calendar will collapse under the weight of his impulse decisions.”

“But how are we even supposed to bring that up to him? He’s been acting weird all week, I know,” Virgil bit, “but you know how Pat takes these things, L.” Patton bit his lip to keep from making noise as the cracks grew once more.

“The best way to do that is to do like you said earlier Virgil, rip it off like a metaphorical Bandaid. This isn’t the first time we’ve had to do this.”

So. Patton had gone overboard these past few days with his contributions.

How many other times had he put the other sides in this exact same situation? They were all supposed to be in this together. Weren’t they …?

There was only one way to fix this. Fixing his cardigan and his expression, Patton plodded heavily down the stairs to announce his arrival. “Hey kiddos! Oh, good, you’re all here together, that’ll save me a few trips back upstairs,” he said cheerily.

“Don’t tell us, Padre, you have another idea?” Roman asked. His smile looked so forced.

“Kinda! So I was just thinking that since we are so behind schedule, a 2 day binge-fest might not be the greatest idea I’ve come up with. So instead of that, how about we work on this next concept together tonight?”

Jaws all around the room dropped. “Wait, what? I thought …” said Virgil, looking to the others.

Roman picked up where Virgil left off, “Patton, I believe that’s the best idea you’ve had all week!” He stepped closer. “How shall we go about it? At the dumb boring regular table here, or at the Round Table in the Imagination to help stimulate all the best thoughts?”

“Hmm, that’s intriguing, Roman. It would certainly be easier than trying to keep track of all our thoughts on paper,” Logan added.

“Hey Logan, I guess you say it’s a …” Patton started.

Logan’s eyes widened. “No.”

“Oh, this’ll be good,” Virgil snickered.

“… well-Round-ed idea,” said Patton.

Virgil and Roman couldn’t help smiling watching this play out. Logan groaned. “I will ignore that this one time because you made a worthwhile effort to get us back on schedule, but I do hope that you’ll spend a little more time thinking about what words you want to arrange in a sentence. And make them less … pun-filled.”

“I’ll try not to have too much pun, but I can’t make any promises!” Patton said.

Logan said nothing further, opting instead to vacate the premises as quickly as possible. “I’ll uh, go with him and we’ll get everything set up in the Imagination,” said Roman, running after him.

“Well, I guess that just leaves you and me, kiddo! Whaddaya say we make some snacks for everyone? We’ve got a lot of work ahead of us today!”

Virgil nodded. “As long as I can spit on something meant for Roman,” he said.

“I’ll let you have the cookie batter bowl,” Patton replied.

“Deal.”

Between the two of them, Patton and Virgil were able to make somewhat quick work of a heaping plate of hot cookies and several plates of sandwiches for everyone to enjoy. Sure, they may have gotten more flour and other assorted foodstuffs on them than into the finished products on the counter, but it was the fun they had doing it that mattered. Both of them decided that it would be best to change out of their dirty clothes before carrying everything into the Imagination.

Patton sunk into his version of the kitchen, which was considerably more cluttered than the common area kitchen. He stepped over a few stray memories before making it into the clearer living room. That was when he noticed Deceit sitting on his couch worrying his gloved hands. Softly, Patton called out, “Dee?”

Deceit startled and turned quickly to see Patton. “Um,” he said, clearing his throat and brushing down the front of his cloak, “you certainly didn’t sneak up on me.”

“What brings you back to my neck of the ‘burbs?” asked Patton.

Deceit stood from the couch. “We’re just getting so well acquainted that I thought I’d stop by for tea— and to give a warning. I know they’ve been growing again.”

Patton smiled sadly. “I guess I can’t really hide this from you. But you should know, this time—”

“It’s not their fault, I’m well aware. But doesn’t this make it the best time to tell them? The pressure is off. You don’t even have to tell them in a direct way!” Deceit said, taking Patton’s hands in his own. His eyes were alight with worry. “You just need to tell them.”

“I know I need to, but … it’s so hard to do. I’d be hurting them, I know I would.”

Deceit looked down and sighed. He brought his gaze quickly back up to Patton’s, staring with an intensity that Patton had never seen from him before. “You need to tell them,” he whispered slowly. “I saw something on the horizon. Something bad. As much as it pains me to say it, I don’t want that vision to be about you.”

That was a bit startling. Patton knew it wouldn’t get that far, but … could it? “Okay,” he said. “I’ll tell them.” That earned him a split-second smile from Deceit.

“That’ll do, Patton. That’ll do. What in the world is on my gloves?” Deceit said, sinking out.

“Cookie dough!” Patton called after him. “And probably some mayo. Oh, he probably didn’t hear me. Now what was I doing again? Oh yeah, clothes, brainstorming, Imagination!” He quickly ran upstairs to the bathroom to get changed and emerged from his room less than a minute later and grabbed what food Virgil hadn’t. Maybe if he busied himself enough, he would be able to forget Deceit’s visit. He wouldn’t think about the panic behind his crumbling facade, or the thinly veiled pleas he made.

But that would all be a lie. Something had him deeply troubled, and when Deceit was the one giving out a warning in earnest, it bode better to listen. But how to go about it? Patton sighed. “Alright, Patton, let’s just focus on getting to the others right now,” he said to himself. He closed his eyes and thought about the others, and about castles, knights, and everything that made Roman happy.

When he opened them again, he was in the Imagination.

Or rather, he was in a field in the Imagination, right in front of Roman’s towering castle. It was a perfect amalgamation of Gothic architecture and pure Disney magic that made Patton’s nostalgia meter burst through the roof. He ran through the front gates with appropriate gusto and was thrilled to see the others there around the table already, quietly chatting amongst themselves. “Ah, Patton, we were starting to think you forgot how to get here again. Come, let us formally begin this brainstorming bash!” Roman said cheerily.

“That’s the spirit!” Patton squealed, trying to sound as normal as possible. He set down the cookie platter and took a seat in the high-backed chair with his new symbol on it.

“First things first, let’s make sure we’re all on the same page before we begin,” Logan said, summoning papers for all of them. “In order to maximize our output, Roman, Virgil, and I have decided to remove some of the thought filters from the castle for this session. This means that any particular thought, if it’s focused enough, will manifest in here for all of us to review. According to my own independent research, this should boost our productivity by 42% with a .03% margin of error.”

Patton’s eyes widened a little. He really didn’t want to interrupt their work, but this new system would definitely cause problems if he didn’t come clean now. So, Patton gathered every last bit of gumption that he had and shouted, “I have a confession to make!”

The others backed up a little, startled that Patton could be so loud, but quickly recomposed themselves. “Go ahead, Patton,” said Logan, straightening his tie.

Patton thanked him, doing his best to not squirm in his seat. He knew they wouldn’t react well, but maybe saying it now would keep thoughts about it from popping up later. “I uh, wanted to get this out of the way before we get down to business. But um … I think I might be breaking again.”

“Come again?” Virgil asked.

Patton slid the collar of his shirt down enough to reveal several deep fissures. “These things. They’re growing again,” he said. “Started earlier this week. I just didn’t want that popping up without warning and ruining our work. Anyways, um, what ideas are we working with here, Roman?”

“Wait, breaking? Like, breaking breaking? Oh God, Patton, are you dying? You’re dying, aren’t you? Oh God, no! What stops death?! Logan?!” Virgil cried frantically.

Patton quickly said, “Virgil, Virgil, breathe, I’m not dying. In for four seconds, there you go, hold it for seven seconds. You’re doing great. Just listen to the sound of my voice. Out for eight. Good job, keep it up.”

Logan got out a pen and notepad. “Again? And you say they started earlier this week? Do you remember which day it was?” he asked.

“The day I started cleaning up my room. Uh, what day was that again?” Patton said, still doing his best to softly coach Virgil back down to a calmer state.

“Padre … I thought there weren’t going to be any more secrets about this,” said Roman. The hurt look he gave to Patton about killed him where he sat.

“It wasn’t so much a secret as it was an ‘I-got-a-little-busy-and-kept-forgetting’ kind of thing. I never meant to keep it from you, any of you,” Patton replied. A tiny, glowing orb dripped from Patton’s chest. A thought. He pushed it down between his hand and the seat to trap it, knowing that it would unveil his lie. For good measure, he slung a leg over his hand.

“You were cleaning that day…” Logan mused. “I may have some theories that explain this phenomenon, though it is currently up to speculation. Allow me to elaborate. Patton, it seems that stressing yourself beyond your limits could potentially be the cause of this. You have certainly been going out of your way with your work this week. I believe we all recall the … bouncy castle idea. This could be leading to a lack of self-care needed to perform adequately.”

Patton nodded slowly with as real a smile as he could muster. “Yyyyyeah, that could be it,” he said, shoving down another treacherous thought as it popped out. It brought up memories of all the passing comments Logan made about his character.

“Uh, Pops? Whatcha … doin’ over there?” Virgil asked.

Patton stiffened. “Nothing, just, uh … Practicing a new kind of exercise?” Another one flitted out, pointing to being too overbearing with Virgil. “Hey, is that a dragon coming up to the castle?”

Everyone turned to look while Patton conjured a slingshot, flung that icky thought out the other window. and recaptured the one that had come out from beneath his leg.

“No, that’s a tapestry, Padre. It literally couldn’t hurt you if it wanted to,” Roman said. “Not that I would ever let it!”

Patton smiled. “You’re my hero, Roman,” he said.

Roman blushed a little to that. “Aw, Pat,” he gushed.

Another thought came up, a memory of a time Roman had taken him on one of his adventures. He had wanted to tend to a little wounded animal they came across and nearly got them killed because of it. Patton clapped his hand painfully over his heart to keep that one from surfacing. With a whimper and a slight grimace, he replied, “I mean it, Ro.”

Virgil was getting extremely antsy where he sat. “Okay, um … This is weird, right? Like, this just feels wrong.”

“Virgil has a point, you are behaving rather strangely, Patton,” said Logan. “Do you have something you’d like to add?”

With the focus being on what started this, another memory surfaced. The one that had started it again. Patton tried to bite that one as it meandered past. Curse these full hands! He missed by a mile, leaving it to float effortlessly to the center of the table.

“A thought?” Logan said. “Unconventional, but it’s an intriguing choice.”

It began to play. Patton was in his room, sorting through the new memories box. The last few were being tucked away. It skipped to him looking back in the box to see what was left. It showed him, holding the picture. Him, clutching his chest. Him, stumbling to the floor. As if on cue, the cracks thrummed in recognition. Thank goodness he already had a hand over them because it almost took his breath away. The memory evaporated, leaving the others to simply look with jaws slightly agape.

Patton could only look down at the table. These old wounds were reopening in the worst of ways, and now his closest friends would find out the truth. Logan finally broke the silence. “So, that’s how it happened.”

Patton nodded wordlessly.

“This was months ago,” Logan said.

“It was a busy time for me,” Virgil added. “Switching from everything Thomas did wrong to worrying that Thomas will never find love again got to be so exhausting.”

“I admit even I became a bit disheveled by his absence,” Logan said, looking down.

“I nearly ducked out over this. I can’t imagine what that must’ve been like for you, Patton,” said Roman.

Patton still couldn’t bring himself to look up. He knew there were pent up tears threatening to fall if he did. “It … it was hard … and seeing a reminder of it …” he whispered.

Logan sighed. “I believe your best course of action is clear,” he said. “You simply need to let the past be the past.”

“But … what about all of the good times we had with him? I don’t want to leave them behind,” Patton said softly.

“Patton, these memories are physically hurting you. I can’t understand why you would rather suffer endlessly instead of just letting one person go.”

You’re too sentimental to save yourself from dying.

Patton’s face contorted and a small whine escaped his throat. Those insidious cracks lengthened once more, each one feeling like a knife tracing its way through his skin.

Roman stood abruptly. “Now look what you’ve done, Quantum of Soulless!” Roman cried, motioning to Patton. Logan rose from his seat, trying to get a better look from across the table.

“Roman …” Patton lightly scolded. “Pl-please be nice.”

Roman huffed. “Sorry. What I mean is this situation needs a bit more delicacy than Logan’s robotic demeanor could ever hope to provide.” Roman walked over to Patton and put a hand gently on his arm. Logan was making his way over, too, notepad in hand. “Now Padre, you know how much I came to you when this was all fresh. We did our best to hold each other up, but even now, I still feel lost. I can’t tell you how much I yearn to have our beloved return, or how much I want to call him after all this time.”

Patton sniffled a little, putting his hand over Roman’s and leaning his head against his arm. “I know, I want him back too,” he said.

“I think we all do. But I think it might also be time to start boxing up some of those old memories. We can even help you start!” Roman said. Virgil shook his head. Logan rolled his eyes. “Okay, I can help you start.”

“But I don’t want to forget … I wouldn’t even know where, or how, to start. We had so many good memories together that I don’t want to lose,” Patton blubbered.

“I know it’s difficult, but we aren’t children anymore, Padre. I know the relationship ending was for the best and I’ve been striving every day to remain strong. I also know that you wouldn’t be leaving everything behind if you do the adult thing and let the ghosts of the past go.”

You’re too naive to understand what needs to be done.

Patton doubled over, groaning as the cracks split further down his limbs and up his neck. Bile burned at the back of his throat, and he could taste the coppery twang of essence. He felt another wary hand on him. “P-Pops?” came Virgil’s wavering voice. “I… Thomas was being too overbearing. That wasn’t your fault!”

YOU were being too overbearing. YOU were what drove him away.

Patton cried out in agony as his skin split down to his fingertips and over his face to the top of his head. Small chips of skin were beginning to fall away with tiny tinks as they hit the floor, displaying the bright blue beneath. He could feel the front of his shirt begin to dampen.

“I don’t get it! We’re trying to help, why isn’t this working?” Virgil cried. “Why are they getting worse?!”

Logan came up to Patton, attempting to lean him back with utmost care. “Perhaps just talking about the subject of his pain is what’s causing them to worsen,” he said. As soon as he looked at the frail fatherly side, his demeanor changed. “Virgil, get a first aid kit. Roman, help me lay him on the table. Now!”

The others, at first too stunned to move, burst into action as quickly as they could. Patton screamed as they repositioned him on the table, hyperventilating from the pain. “Hang in there, Padre, please hang in there!” came Roman’s muffled voice. Logan was reaching for the hem of his shirt. He mouthed something to him. Patton felt something glide across his skin from his navel to his neck. Wait, when did Logan get scissors? And where was his shirt? And why did the others look so horrified? Those questions seemed inconsequential to the truth staring down at Patton, demanding he tell it.

“It w-was my fault,” Patton croaked.

Logan started threading a needle. Virgil was carding his fingers through Patton’s hair anxiously. Roman looked at him with incredulous eyes. “What are you talking about?” asked Roman.

“Th-the breakup,” Patton replied. Warmth was trickling down over his ribcage and soaking his back. “A-and everything e-else.” Logan tried his best to stick the needle through solid skin, but it just chipped further. Patton coughed, a bit of blue making its way past his lips.

“Everything else? Patton, you’re not making sense,” Logan said, trying the same thing again with the same result.

Patton whimpered, “I-I know that I’m always … messing th-things up. I forget s-so much … I kn-know that you think I’m t-too sentimental t-to do my job. Th-that I’m too … naive t-to see the truth right in … front of me. That I’m s-so over … o-overbearing that I drove him away. If it w-weren’t for … all of you t-to rein me in … I-I’d make Thomas into a… w-worthless mass of a man.”

You are worthless.

“C-Compression. Let’s try compression,” Logan said.

“Pat … is this … is this what caused all of this?” Roman asked. His eyes shimmered.

“You can’t seriously think that,” Virgil said, his hands becoming shaky.

Patton cried as Logan pressed firmly in the center of his chest. More fragments broke free and with them, Logan’s hands went straight through into Patton’s chest. Patton nearly passed out. Logan quickly withdrew his hands.

“Ohhhh my God, oh my God, Logan, what did you do?!” shouted Virgil. “What do we do now?!”

Patton coughed violently, essence spluttering from his lips in a steady stream.

Logan could only stand there, frozen in horror, staring at his blue hands.

“Logan?!” Roman cried.

“I … I don’t know …” came Logan’s voice, barely above a whisper. Silent tears streamed down his cheeks.

“You can’t die on us, Patton, please, we need you!” Virgil sobbed.

Roman grasped Patton’s hand delicately. It began to shatter like porcelain barely held together. Despite the jagged edges, Roman still lifted it to his cheek, holding on like it was the only anchor in a violent sea. “Y-you’ll … all be … alright … without me … Just … p-promise me … y-you won’t … blame yourselves …” Patton gasped.

He couldn’t hold it together when bigger pieces of him began breaking away from the rest of his body. He couldn’t scream. He couldn’t hear.

He couldn’t see. But still, his mouth made the words.

“I… l-love… you.”

With a final shuddering breath, he was gone.

---

Janus knew that meddling with what his foresight told him never aided the outcome.

He knew this, but he tried anyway.

It wasn’t that he particularly liked Patton. He found him to be overly saccharine and ridiculously optimistic in the face of surefire doom, not to mention he stood by socks and sandals as a fashion choice. However, things always seemed to run smoother in the Mindscape with the fatherly side around. Someone had to be there to tend to the others and moderate their senseless bickering, he supposed. How would anyone get any sleep otherwise? And Patton wasn’t one to pass judgement when he was caught alone. Perhaps his near-blind acceptance was what endeared Janus to him in the first place.

Whatever the case, he didn’t want whatever was going to happen to go through like it wanted to. He could never determine much from these visions. Just … feelings. Notions. The occasional coherent thought. This most recent one should’ve been par for the course. Nothing could’ve prepared him for what came. He couldn’t breathe. He felt like he was being ripped apart. And there was nothing else around but the pain, searing a fiery blue, and those three intrepid words.

I love you.

A swan song if there ever was one. And now, standing here amongst the shadows outside Roman’s castle, he knew the swan had sung.

Taglist: @celeste-tyrrell @taxicabinmemphis @angeldiaries @somehow-i-got-an-account

#atlas writes #patton angst #sanders sides angst #shatter me #patton sanders #character death tw #are y'all ready to stone me to death yet? #shatter me story

[novelnerdqueers]

Tell Me To Stay - Chapter 5

Summary :  Logan's birthday comes around and he's shocked to find out that this year someone actually not only remembered but also got him a gift.

CW: Brief mentions of nightmares, unhealthy habits

Previous chapter  Next chapter  From the beginning Read on ao3

Chapter 5:  Dinner?... Just The Two Of Us?

They drove in silence for most of the way. Now and again they would exchange glances. They drove up to the building where Logan's condo was. "This is my stop."

"Right, of course. Would you like me to walk you up to your apartment, or are you okay from here?" Roman offered.

"Um well I mean it's not like I really need help finding my place," Logan started. Obviously, he could get back home fine from here. He thought he felt Roman shrink back a little at this. It then hit him that that question probably had subtext. Of course Roman would know he was fine on his own, yet here he was wanting to spend as much time as possible with him. "But," he continued, "I'm not against the company."

Roman smiled and then climbed out of the car, walking over to where Logan was. They started walking, their footsteps matching each other. "Hey, Logan?" Roman asked quietly as he looked around the small area they were walking in absent-mindedly. "Why did you move to our department from your last one?"

"Oh well um... let's just say that not all jobs at the CSI are esteemed in the same fashion. I was the head supervisor of the archives, but no one cares about you here unless you do something on the field or closely related to the field. No matter what I did, or what I accomplished, all I was to everyone was just a pencil pusher. Which hurt because I really truly felt like I could contribute more, but no one ever took me seriously." Logan was starting to get worked up as he continued speaking. "I've been told many times to stop playing Sherlock Holmes and leave the work to the real detectives." Logan stopped walking at this point, they were standing in front of his door now.

Roman watched Logan carefully, listening to him with a thoughtful expression. "Hey," he said gently once Logan had finished speaking. His voice was low and calming as he took Logan's hand and squeezed it, gently soothing him with the grounding touch. "Look... I don't say these things to people often, but actually, you’re a pretty good investigator... A real detective would encourage others to follow in their footsteps, they clearly weren't that great if all they could do was make fun of you. You are a great person to work with and be around... it hasn't been as bad as I thought..." He was very close as he held Logan's cool hands in his own. Logan could smell his musky, sweet-smelling cologne and his comforting expression was at least doing something to ease his mind.

"Why are you telling me this... why do you care so much?" Logan couldn't help but ask. His mind was reeling from Roman's words, his heart was pounding. He'd never felt so... so... valued before, it was jarring to him. His hands felt clammy and yet Roman was still holding them.

"I care about you, Logan," Roman said. "You're a good friend. Though I do believe we got off on the wrong foot. You are a good partner; I feel like I'm not doing all the work for once. It's nice to know there's someone I can work with who I can trust with a job and know it will be done well and with a good amount of effort put into it. You'll try to get it as good as it can be, I appreciate that. You also seem to...balance me out quite well. I suppose this is my way of saying thank you." He smiled, hoping he correctly put his thoughts into words.

Logan managed to offer a small smile back, he was truly touched by Roman’s words. “Thank you, Roman… it means a lot to me to hear you say that.” Finally, he pulled his hands away, the ongoing touch was starting to feel a little too awkward. He looked down for a moment before returning his gaze to Roman’s. “I also really have grown to appreciate having you as a partner. It’s nice to feel like what I do actually matters, without having to change who I am or how I do things for all that.” An understanding seemed to pass between the two of them. “Well, goodnight I guess,” Logan spoke as he took out his keys to unlock the door, “See you tomorrow.”

Roman nodded, "Have a nice evening, Logan." He smiled, waving to him as he headed back to his car.

……………

Over the next couple of weeks, Roman found himself becoming more and more fond of Logan's presence and appreciated his sense of logic in certain situations where his enthusiasm did admittedly become a little too much. It was nice to have a friend who understood and got him the way Logan did. He tried to push away the more troubling thoughts of when he seemed to stare at Logan when he wasn't looking or some of their eye contact that lingered a little bit too long. He didn't want or need to think about that.

Never before had Logan looked forward to going to work each morning. Not that he hadn’t enjoyed the other jobs he’d had before, but he finally felt like he’d found his place within the team. He also had to admit that he really truly enjoyed working with Roman, they made a great team and that was something he’d never really experienced before.

Roman found that every day he was talking to Logan that much more and wasn't even slightly objecting to it, it was great. He felt himself smiling more, being generally happier and found his days a little brighter. The usually long days didn't feel as tedious and he found himself wanting to stay at work with Logan because home for him had a lonely feel to it that he didn't want to think about for fear that he already knew its origin. The loneliness ate away at him, attacking him during the nights. By morning, he was able to brush it off and he had the motivation to take care of himself a little better, it was a very welcome change of pace.

Logan had begun to notice a gradual change in his overall mood. He didn’t feel nearly so anxious all the time when at work and with the others, especially with Roman. Where before he would have happily rushed home the moment his day was done, he found himself hanging back to chat with Roman at the end of work. While not entirely becoming all that much more sociable, he didn’t mind the interactions nearly so much as he used to. He felt more relaxed, more upbeat, Roman’s optimistic energy was contagious and strangely attractive to him. There were even times where he found himself alone at home almost missing that feeling.

…..............

Roman walked into the office. It was a normal Friday morning for anyone else, but Roman couldn't say the same. He wore a barely noticeable frown on his face. The night before, he'd spoken to an old friend and they'd asked him about some sensitive topics. He hadn't realised at the moment, but talking about it as if everything was okay had dug up some things he'd long since buried. It didn't help that when he'd said he'd rather not talk about it, they got offended and asked if Roman still trusted them which made Roman feel bad so he'd given in and told him. As a result, he'd gotten a few hours of sleep, broken up in small intervals of the night because of the nightmares and general uneasiness that loomed over him. He was exhausted.

Logan was already busy on something when Roman arrived that day. As he heard him arrive he instinctively felt his head lift to look up at him. “Hey,” he started cheerily, Roman giving him a smile and a nod. Logan immediately felt that something was off. He’d unwittingly learned Roman’s usual mannerisms and this wasn’t one of them. It wasn’t anything huge, but still, enough that it left him with an odd suspicious feeling, he tried to brush it off. They got to work and the feeling stayed with Logan throughout the morning. Once it got around to early afternoon he just couldn’t take it anymore. He looked over at Roman to see that he seemed lost in thought, his gaze fixed on the wall. “Hey, Roman… I hope I’m not overstepping here but… are you okay?” His words seemed to startle Roman out of his stupor.

"Hmm?" he hummed, looking up at Logan. "Oh, right, uh... I'm okay, I guess, just tired. I had a rather sleepless night." He frowned, his unfocused gaze shifting from his work to look at Logan completely. "I had to have a...difficult conversation with an old friend that I didn't really want to be a part of. I suppose I didn't think it would affect me this way," he shrugged, running a hand across his face and sighing in defeat.

“Oh..” Logan wasn’t quite sure how to respond. He wasn’t exactly very good at being the comforting type. “I’m sorry to hear that. I get it though,” he mused thoughtfully. Tough conversations were a thing he’d, unfortunately, had a lot of experience with. He knew that often they were necessary, but they also left him feeling rather out of it. “I’m guessing the outcome of the conversation wasn’t exactly what you hoped for?”

"I guess you could say that," Roman hummed, taking a sip of water and skimming through his paperwork. It was a summary of the most recent crime scene they'd been to and he was struggling so much more than he usually would be. As Logan made quick work of several piles of papers, he was still stuck on the first few pages and it was almost painful.

Logan could see that Roman’s mind was just not in it today. “Do you want some help with that?” he offered, genuinely concerned at this point.

"Actually, yeah, I'd appreciate that," he smiled gratefully, letting out a yawn as Logan made his way over to his desk and stood behind him.

Logan began looking over the neglected and poor quality work, or at least poor compared to Roman's usual standard of work. Roman knew Logan didn't think lowly of his work because of his mistakes like he did, but Roman always found difficulty in actually giving himself credit when it was due.

While not being terrible, Logan could definitely tell this wasn’t Roman’s best work. “Your ideas are a little all over the place,” he spoke as he cocked his head, trying to see how the elements could be organised. “Do you mind if I take a go at rearranging a few things?”

“Yeah, of course, go for it,” Roman said, letting out a tired sigh and shifting so Logan could stand over his work. Logan then inspected the sheet in front of him, his eyes scanned over the notes. He picked up a pen and grabbed a loose sheet of paper, writing down some numbers, drawing arrows and several small notes for organizing his ideas.

Roman hadn’t quite realised, but in his tired frame of mind, he’d lost focus and was staring at Logan rather than the papers, watching the way his lips moved as he spoke, but not quite computing what he was saying. Noticing the way he held the pen, elegantly moving his hand to jot down a general summary of what he was explaining, but not quite picking up on the words that he actually wrote, being unable to focus on them.

“So yeah it’s up to you in the end, but this might help you give a better sense of direction to your notes,” Logan finished saying as he raised his head. It was at that moment that he noticed Roman staring at him. He couldn’t tell whether he was just spaced out or if he had been intently staring at him. “Hello, earth to Roman,” he spoke, hoping to break his trance. “You okay there?” At these words, Roman seemed to realize what he was doing and his cheeks flushed a light shade of pink.

Roman shook his head, trying to pull himself out of the daze he’d somehow fallen into. “Gosh, I’m sorry, Logan, I’m really not able to concentrate at all today.” he sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger. “I really appreciate the help. I’m usually better with my notes, but the reorganisation will really help me to find what I'm looking for faster.”

“Alright then, always happy to help.” Logan strode back to his chair to continue his work. Before doing so he glanced back up towards Roman one last time. “You know, if ever you need some more help, don’t hesitate to ask okay.” He offered him a warm smile then turned back to the papers on his desk.

Roman smiled over at him. “Okay, I won't, thank you, Logan,” he said, looking back at his work. A gentle smile stuck on his face every time he looked over at Logan or thought about his notes or the way he smiled at him. It was nice to know that there was someone like Logan that he could truly rely on.

...............................

Logan’s first few months at the precinct had flown by without him noticing. Before he knew it autumn was rolling around. It was mid-October when he walked into the office one day to a package on his desk. He strode over to his chair, utterly confused as to what it was doing there. Roman was at his desk already working. “Uh Roman, what’s this on my desk for?”

“Oh, you don’t know?” Roman smiled, standing up and walking over to Logan’s desk, a certain spring in his step which was easily recognizable. “It’s your birthday, Lo,” he beamed. “I looked into the files because I remembered seeing your birthday was at some point in October and I wanted to get you something,” he explained, leaning against Logan’s desk.

For a moment Logan was dumbstruck, somehow he’d managed to forget his own birthday. In his defense, he never really did anything for his birthday so it generally didn’t feel different from any other day. He never told anyone about it because he didn’t care for that kind of attention and was never really close to any of his coworkers for it to actually matter. “Oh um, thank you…” Logan could feel himself blushing, he was oddly touched by this attention of Roman’s.

Roman grinned, “You’re very welcome, Logan.” It was obvious now that Roman was waiting for Logan to open his present as he made his way back over to his own desk.

Roman hovered just behind him excitedly, as he slowly took back the wrapping paper which was a simple navy blue. Behind that, neatly placed wrapping paper was a book with drawings, photographs, illustrations and theories about space. Quotes from different astronomers and astrophysicists lined almost every page and it was just a very beautiful gift. He was looking for one online but couldn’t find anything he knew Logan would like. He wanted to be accurate with something Logan would actually appreciate so he’d put one together himself. He’d gotten the idea because his coworker seemed to be obsessed with space, so this gift idea was too perfect to pass up.

Logan was stunned by the present, for something that was clearly handmade it was remarkably well done. He was taken aback at how thoughtful the gift was, he was flattered but wasn’t entirely sure what to think of it. “Wow Roman, I-... thank you.” Logan looked up at him and smiled, “This must have taken you quite some time and it’s pretty good too.” He flipped through the pages, carefully running his fingers over the different images and quotes. The attention to detail was pretty spot on and he could appreciate that. “How did you know that I was such a space nerd?” Logan was slightly confused as to how Roman had known this in the first place.

Roman fought the urge to be slightly disappointed at Logan's reaction. By now, Roman was aware that his partner just expressed feelings differently than he did and Logan did say he liked it...in his own way, which was a plus. He just didn't react the way Roman imagined or was used to when he made something for one of his friends. "Oh, um, there are a few things on your desk that are space-related and you've mentioned something along those lines a few times. Since you seem like the type of person to talk about things you find interesting very rarely I figured it must be important to you."

“Oh, right, yes.” Logan looked towards his desk and had to acknowledge that he did indeed have incriminating evidence of his special interest in space. “I guess I don’t usually notice that kind of stuff.” He had a small moment of guilt at realizing that he wouldn’t have really been able to say what Roman was interested in, despite their being coworkers for a while now. He put the book down and turned to his work.

Roman nodded, with the type of person that Logan was he didn’t expect that kind of thing to be extremely noticeable to him. Roman himself, had always been the type of person to pick up on small things about a person, even very soon after meeting them. However, he could understand that not everyone did that and it was more difficult for some, which he assumed was the case with Logan. As he sat in his chair, finishing the rest of his work, he tried not to feel disappointed at the lack of reaction and instead focused on the fact that he’d still done it. It had actually been fun to learn and teach himself about the topic to get accurate facts.

As they continued on their work for the day, Logan would now and again glance at his bag where he’d placed the book Roman had gifted him. As much as he wasn’t surprised that this was the sort of thing Roman did for people, he hadn’t thought they were close enough to warrant such a personalised gift. The day went on and when the end of the day rolled around Logan gathered his things to go home. “So see you tomorrow Roman.”

Roman smiled, he'd been thinking and throughout the day he decided that a birthday dinner might be more Logan's speed. They could talk and get to know each other a little better, which was something Roman wanted to do since Logan was such an interesting and mysterious person to him. "Uh wait up, Logan," he called, picking up his bag and slinging it onto his shoulder, a slight spring in his step as he hurried to catch up to him. "Would you like to go out for dinner, maybe? You know, because it's your birthday and all?" he beamed, doing up the clasp on the side of his bag and looking back up at Logan, a goofy smile on his face.

Logan stopped abruptly, a blank look on his face. This was a first and he wasn’t exactly sure how to respond. “Um, yeah I, uh, sure ok,” he stuttered out, feeling rather flustered by the prospect. He’d never gone out for dinner with a colleague, much less for his birthday. His mind was in social panic mode but he tried his best not to seem rude, he really did appreciate Roman after all.

At this, Roman's smile softened, his hand going to the cuff of his sleeve to arrange it as he turned to Logan. "Hey, don't worry. There's a small low-tone café nearby, it's nice and I just thought you might like to go out for your birthday rather than staying in. Not that I'm assuming you don't already have plans. You don't have to though, it's just an offer," he smiled warmly. "You're my friend, or at least I like to think we're relatively close, and I'd hate for you to have to spend your birthday alone." he finished, pulling his phone out and checking through it, noticing a text from Patton and a few emails.

Logan would have wanted to be able to protest, but the truth was that he indeed had no plans. He still wasn’t entirely sure why Roman was being so chummy, he really wasn’t the most interesting person to be around. In the end, he really didn’t have anything better to do, so he might as well go along. It would give him something to tell his therapist to get him off his back for not being social enough. “Well thank you, I don’t usually do stuff like this, but I guess it could be fun.”

"It's no pressure, honestly, everyone needs to have fun once in a while," Roman grinned, reaching up and pushing the hair from his own face before continuing to speak. "It isn't like this is a date, Logan," he smiled, lifting his head from his phone and looking over at him.

An immediate flush came across Logan’s cheeks at this remark, he looked away from Roman nervously. Why did he have to say that? Logan had struggled with his sexuality for a long time and he still was rather uncomfortable talking about it. At this point, it was pretty clear where Roman stood on the matter, but he had yet to say anything in that respect. “Um.. yeah.. sure ok,” Logan attempted to chuckle but it was rather half-hearted. Nonetheless, he followed Roman to his car.

**This story is part of the LLF Comment Project, (https://longlivefeedback.tumblr.com/llfcommentproject) which was created to improve communication between readers and authors. This author invites and appreciates feedback, including: short comments, long comments, questions/theories, constructive criticism, reader-reader interaction.

*** Tag list (let us know if you would like to be added or removed): @crossiantgay

#logince #sanders sides #sanders side fic #thomas sanders #fanfic #fanfiction #cop au #gay fic #fluff #roman sanders #logan sanders #cw: nightmares #long reads #multiple chapters #ao3 #tell me to stay #chapter 5

[sanderssides-springfling]

Hey! If you could add a read more to this that would be amazing- thank you so much for all that you’re doing!!

This a gift for the wonderful @grayson-22 ! I had a lot of fun making this, I hope you have a lot of fun reading this!

Summary: Prinxiety angst, specifically Roman angst.

Warnings:Some self-deprecating thoughts/statements, being trapped (near the end).

Roman growled as the manticore-chimera dodged his attack. He’d finally tracked this thing down after what- three days? It had taken much longer than normal for him to find the beast, and Roman hadn’t left the Imagination once during that whole time.

Did he care? No.

Did he care that not once during that whole time had someone tried to summon him? …No.

Was he refusing to think about the situation and go back to the Mindscape? Definitely not.

Clearing his head and shoving away anything related to the others and how long he’d spent in the Imagination, Roman went back to fighting the beast to free the village below of its terror.

“Hey guys, has anyone seen Princey lately?” Virgil spoke up. He had just come from Roman’s room after attempting to ask the egotistical side if he had taken Virgil’s headphones.

Logan looked up from the couch. He paused the documentary he had been watching and responded with “No, I’m afraid I haven’t.”

Patton looked up as well, suddenly worried. “… you’re right, I haven’t seen him in a while.. that’s weird, usually he’s always around us, unless he’s working on a new idea. He always tells us before though..”

“I’m sure he just forgot this time.” Logan reassured Patton, turning to the aforementioned side.

“No, guys, you don’t get it- he didn’t respond at all when I knocked on his door. I almost kicked it open.” Virgil ran a hand through his hair. “I figured I’d ask you guys first if you’d seen him before I did that though.”

Logan frowned and looked at the ground in thought. 

Patton bit his lip in worry. “…Should we try to summon him? Maybe… maybe he just got caught up in a quest or something in the Imagination.”

“Time still passes in the Imagination, Patton, at least to the best of my knowledge. Roman would have had to know that he has spent over twenty four hours in that place.” Logan spoke up. 

“AhhH- buttt I’m sure he just lost track of time or something on a quest, just like you said.” Virgil quickly jumped in, seeing how distressed Patton became at Logan’s words.

“Perhaps we should still go and check on him.” Logan suggested.

Virgil nodded. “Good idea.” He spoke quickly before starting up the stairs again. Patton dashed over and followed after Virgil, Logan in tow.

Patton shifted restlessly from foot to foot as Logan knocked on Roman’s door. 

“Roman? Are you in there? We are all mildly concerned for your well-being.” Logan’s usually monotone voice had a slight hint of worry in it.

There was no response. 

“.. I’m going to try to summon him.” Patton decided, running downstairs and to his usual spot in front of the blinds.

Logan and Virgil stayed by Roman’s door.

“I’m gonna kick it open.” Virgil muttered. 

Logan stopped Virgil before he could. “That- would not be a good idea. Not only do you not possess the strength to do such a feat as doors are much more sturdy than you would believe, I do not wish to have to deal with a broken door.”

Sighing, Virgil ran a hand through his hair. “You’re right, you’re right… I’m just worried about him.”

“I think we all are.” Logan frowned at Roman’s door.

Roman felt the familiar tug of being summoned. “Took them long enough. Bet they didn’t even realize I was gone.” He muttered, leaving the cave that the manticore-chimera had hidden from him in.

Truth be told, Roman wasn’t going back. He didn’t want to go back. He clearly wasn’t valued as a part of the team if the way he was treated was anything to go by. The other Sides constantly shot down his ideas or changed them so much they were unrecognizable, and so far from what Roman had suggested it wasn’t even his idea anymore. Either that or they just outright ignored his contributions to the conversation.

Roman had had enough of that. So he stopped putting up with it and left. Should he have talked to the other Sides instead of running away? Probably, but they’d most likely ignore him or pass it off as ‘Roman complaining that his ideas never get used’, label him Whiney McWhinerson, and never listen to anything he had to say ever again, not even simple greetings.

…

Okay, so that was probably a very big exaggeration, but to Roman that’s exactly what it felt like.

He ignored their summons for him and instead went about finding his way down the mountain side.

“Guyyys-?” Patton called from downstairs. “He isn’t coming. He isn’t even saying anything- I don’t know what to do- what should I do?” He sounded like he was on the verge of tears.

Virgil gave Logan a 'please don’t make me go’ look and Logan sighed before heading downstairs. Feelings may be the bane of his existence but helping his friends certainly wasn’t.

Virgil listened until he heard Logan and Patton’s quiet voices and turned to Roman’s door. He prepared to bash the door open before pausing and huffing in amusement at his own actions.

“Why don’t I just- try to open it?” Virgil half mumbled to himself. 

Virgil reached out for the door knob, pausing slightly before gripping it gently. He bit his lip and paused before closing his eyes and turning the knob, praying it wasn’t locked. He twisted the knob and pushed the door open. Virgil opened his eyes and huffed slightly in relief that it had worked. A sinking feeling of dread soon took over though as Roman was nowhere to be found.

“Okay…Where could he be…?” Virgil muttered to himself as he looked around the room. Under the bed, beside Roman’s desk, in his-

In his closet.

Virgil knew where Roman was.

The closet radiated creative energy. The only way it could do that was if it was the entrance to the Imagination. If Roman couldn’t be found anywhere else and was either ignoring their summons or couldn’t feel them, the Imagination was their best bet.

As he approached the ornate closet, Virgil huffed in mild amusement. It could not be more obvious that this thing was the entrance to another world. He paused in front of the closet as his thoughts swirled.

What if Roman isn’t in there? What if Roman is in there but is seriously hurt and can’t come out? What if Roman is-

Virgil quickly shook his head before more thoughts like that could come pouring through. He took a deep breath, paused, then pulled the closet door open and stepped inside.

Roman felt a sort of alarm go off. He frowned as the sound kept going off inside his head. Roman only frowned more when he realized the sound was the alarm for another Side entering his side of the Imagination.

Danger danger intruder purple purple intruder stranger unknown danger purple unwelcome intruder intruder stranger

Hissing quietly to himself as the Imagination whispered in his head, Roman froze when he heard the word 'purple’. 

Was…Was Virgil the intruder? There was no way he felt- no, of course not. Virgil probably just wanted to come and get mad at Roman for not coming when they summoned him. That was it. Virgil didn’t come because he cared, especially not- especially not like that.

No one cared about Roman, let alone romantically.

This… had not been what Virgil had been expecting. He had been expecting danger at every turn, gigantic mountains looming in the distance and strange creatures roaring and battling. That… was not this. That was not large gently rolling plains dotted in flowers, a quaint looking village in the distance, and yes, there were mountains, but they didn’t seem to… loom, they were more scenic than anything.

At least I won’t have to worry about a dragon coming and snatching me up. Virgil huffed to himself, shoved his hands into his pockets and started walking through the plains.

Stupid, stupid stupid! I can’t even disappear right! 

Roman growled softly to himself as he made his way down the mountain he was on. The beast had been slain and would no longer pose a threat to the villagers below thankfully.

At least I did that right. I probably messed it up somehow too though, knowing me.

There were two solutions to get Virgil out- activate the Imagination’s defense system, or confront the purple clad Side.

Roman chose the former option.

Hopefully this will be enough to get him to leave. I really don’t want to talk to him right now. Who knows what he’d ask and… and how I’d answer.

Taking a breath and summoning all his strength, Roman closed his eyes and asked the Imagination to protect him and his citizens. To keep them safe from all harm. And to keep the one in purple away.

The Imagination was still and silent for a moment before seeming to shift into action, and although the changes could not be seen, Roman felt them. He wondered if Virgil could feel them too.

Virgil kept walking through the plains, a bit of tension leaving his shoulders as he approached the village. It was closer to the mountain than he had thought, but he was glad he made it to the village. As he walked through the streets something seemed off to Virgil. A few more steps into the small town and he realized what- there was no one there. All the blinds and curtains had been drawn and all the animals had been brought inside. It was silent.

A ghost town.

Virgil hunched over slightly and kept his hands in his pockets as he kept walking, his pace increasing greatly. He didn’t know what was happening but he didn’t want to stick around to find out. 

Virgil froze when he heard a footsteps behind him and spun around, his face full of panic.

Three villagers stood behind him, each weilding a weapon and a shield. 

“Don’t move.” Warned one of them.

Virgil’s first thought was: I’m screwed.

Roman paused when he was near the base of the mountain. He could see the village and make out a few people surrounding one person, which meant-

-which meant that Virgil was there. 

Roman froze, unsure of what to do. He could go down and confront Virgil, he could retreat back up the mountain and let the Imagination do its job to protect Roman, or he could stay where he was and watch it unfold.

A minute passed before Roman crouched slightly on the rocky surface to watch it all happen.

From where he was Roman could make out how the people were standing but not their faces or what they were saying. A few tense moments passed before the three villagers who were there straightened up and held their weapons and shields at their side. The purple person- who it was now obvious that it was Virgil- started walking towards the mountain, looking up and-

-looking right at Roman.

Virgil sighed slightly with relief, glad he had been able to talk the villagers down from attacking him by explaining he was there to help Roman- and proving it too, by telling them that- 

He shook his head quickly as Virgil did not want to remember what he’d said. Looking up at the mountain Virgil scanned it for any sign of the other Side. The villagers had said that he’d gone up there to defeat the manticore-chimera- whatever that was.

Virgil froze in his tracks. He saw Roman.

“Roman!! Please!! Come down!” Virgil started to run and scramble-climb up the mountain before Roman could get away. Roman, however, didn’t seem to want to stick around and started moving further up the mountain.

“Rom-Roman! We’re all really worried about you, please come down!” Virgil kept calling out after the fleeing prince but to no avail. Muttering a few words Patton wouldn’t approve of under his breath, Virgil kept clambering up the mountain side.

No, no no nononononono-

Virgil had found him- Virgil had found Roman. That was exactly what Roman had been trying to avoid, especially Virgil- for no specific reason, of course, Roman definitely didn’t like-like Virgil- what are you talking about-

Roman half regretted adding a path to the Imagination- thankfully, Virgil didn’t seem to have found it ye- nevermind.

Virgil was bolting up the path right towards Roman as he kept calling out to Roman.

Roman ignored the cries and tried to take a shortcut up the path, grabbing a ledge and hoisting himself up- or at least that’s what he tried to do. The ledge crumbled under his weight and Roman fell, quite a few large rocks crumbling down as well, trapping the prince underneath them all.

Well, shoot.

Virgil heard the ledge crumbling and breaking apart, causing the emo to run faster. He quickly made it to where Roman was trapped and struggling to get out. He was muttering something about a defense system being bypassed.

“Roman oh my god are you okay??” Virgil frantically slid to a stop and kneeled in front of the trapped prince.

“I’m fine, but I wouldn’t be trapped in the first place if you hadn’t chased after me!” Roman snapped, wriggling his body to try to get out of the rocks. 

Virgil flinched back slightly at Roman’s harsh tone. Roman didn’t seem to notice- or if he did, he hid it well. 

“Well then maybe you shouldn’t have gone off and disappeared into the Imagination!!” Virgil shot back. He was no longer inclined to help Roman out from under the rocks.

“Oh yeah?! And who’s the one who didn’t notice I was gone until THREE DAYS had passed? Who’s the one that only just decided to try summoning me?! Who’s the one that caused me to run off in the first place?!” Roman’s tone rose as he spoke, tears building up in his eyes. As much as he wanted to Roman couldn’t stop it all from coming out now. “Who’s the one that constantly shot down my ideas because they were 'too unrealistic’ and 'fantasy dreams’ and 'just another dream that’s going to be crushed one day’?! Who said- who said all of that? Who stopped listening to me entirely?… Who… who doesn’t care.. anymore..?” Roman looked away, unable to stop his tears from flowing freely down his face. 

Virgil’s eyes widened. He hadn’t thought… he hadn’t thought that Roman would take everyone’s criticisms so harshly. He hadn’t realized Roman had felt ignored, tossed to the side. 

“Roman- that’s.. that’s not true!” Virgil shuffled closer to the trapped Side. “We all do care about you!…some of us more than others-” Virgil mumbled the last part quietly, hoping Roman wouldn’t hear it. 

Roman just scoffed quietly into the rocks which he had placed his head on as he had given up on escaping.

“Hey- no. You know it’s true. But… we didn’t realize.. I didn’t realize you were taking our criticisms so harshly.” Virgil’s tone turned soft. 

“Of course I was-! It’s-it’s already hard enough to come up with an idea you guys would approve of… That I would approve of… why do you think my ideas are so few and far between now?- Not-not that I’m not doing well! I’m doing just fine!” Roman quickly clamored to cover his slip up, not wanting to be seen as weak.

“C'mon, Princey, you and I both know you’re lying…” Virgil sighed and kept his voice soft. “Why didn’t you tell us?”

At this point Roman had given up trying to free himself and starting mumbling his answer, not meeting Virgil’s eyes. “I didn’t want you guys to hate me.”

“Oh, Roman- we could never hate you. I mean sure, we have our differences and we have our fights, but we’d never hate you.” Virgil felt mad at himself for letting Roman feel like this for so long and not even seeing what was happening.

“Do you promise? Do you promise that you could never hate me? No matter what I say?” Roman’s tone turned into something more… desperate.

“Of course I promise, what’s going on?” Tilting his head slightly at Roman, Virgil looked right at the prince.

“… I’ll tell you- once I’m out of these rocks. Promise.” Roman had been about to say something but had chickened out at the last second.

Virgil didn’t push it and instead nodded, shoving rocks and stones off of the egotistical Side until he was finally able to wiggle free.

Roman smiled slightly and brushed the dirt off of his outfit. “That’s much better.”

“Now what were you going to tell me?” Virgil moved, now standing next to Roman.

Roman froze. “Oh- uh… ah, um-" 

"C'mon, don’t tell me you forgot already. I already promised I wouldn’t hate you, now spill.” Virgil playfully nudged Roman then shoved his hands in his pockets.

“Well… what I wanted to say is… the truth is..” Roman fumbled over his words, a blush growing on his face. He sighed, seeming to give up, then- 

“I love you.”

Virgil completely shut down. He stood there next to Roman, a blank look of shock on his face.

“I’m sorry I know I shouldn’t have said anything you can hate me now if you don’t already I’m sorry I’ll just g-” Roman’s string of apologies were cut off by Virgil grabbing his wrist and looking right at Roman, his own blush coating his face.

Then they kissed.

Neither of them were sure who initiated it, but if they had to say they’d guess that Virgil did.

When the two pulled apart, Roman’s face matched his sash and Virgil’s did as well. They both refused to look at each other for a few seconds before Virgil finally piped up.

“…Sorry, I… probably should’ve just said I- Just said that I l-love- love you too instead of-”

Roman quickly cut him off. “No, no! It’s okay- I.. I didn’t mind. Promise.” He grinned slightly at Virgil, then glanced down the mountain. “We… we should probably head back..”

“……What’s a few more minutes alone?” Virgil smiled softly at Roman, sitting down on the mountain path. 

Roman smiled as well and sat down next to Virgil as well. There was a moment of silence as they watched the sun begin to set before Roman gently pulled Virgil closer to him. “I love you.” He whispered.

“I love you too." 

#prinxiety #tw being trapped #tw self deprication #spring fling 2020 #submission

[nadiestar]

Hey, Mim! For a request, what about moceit one of them coming to terms with their feelings for the other and fluff ensuing?

Thank you for the request!

I wrote a thing and it got long so I also post it on AO3^^

But here we go to the thing without further ado

___

Finding a new normal was hard.

Especially, when the ones you always had around you, the ones you always could turn to, had asked you to give them some space. When the Prince insisted that he was not ready to go back and joke with you, to be on your side whenever you needed him. When the Teacher was willing to accept your apology but could not bring himself to forgive you just yet, even if he said otherwise. When the Emo told you that he still loved you but could not understand how you could have chosen to side with the Snake of all sides.

Yes, finding a new normal was hard.

And Patton was bad at finding this new normal.

The first few days, after the wedding Patton had worried how his three kiddos would be able to deal with it and where they would go to to get their support, their advice, if not to him. It turned out that they went to each other. Their relationships bloomed and almost every night the two following weeks after the whole ordeal he had heard how two out of the three met up in Logan’s or Roman’s room.

And Patton was proud. So proud. Really. His boys supported each other and made each other feel better. Roman’s smile was more genuine than it had been in months, Logan was rambling about all the things he found interest again and Virgil stood a little less hunched than he had in a long time.

Patton really was proud.

But he also was lonely. He knew they needed space and he knew he needed it too. Even if they had turned to him, he would not have been able to help them. His head was still heavy and his guts squirming with guilt over what he had made Thomas feel and do just to be “just”, to be “good”. What he had the others go through just because of it.

What he had made himself go through.

He knew he should have asked for help or an input. Maybe talk to Logan more, maybe give Roman more reassurance for what he was creating. Maybe he should have talked to Virgil about why he had disliked him babying so much and what had happened between him and Janus.

And maybe he should have tried to understand Remus better.

But these were maybes and they were in the past. A place Patton liked to live in, but well. It was not the place he was now.

Now, it was 3:24 in the morning and he sat on a bar stool in the dark in the living room eating cookies and drinking milk, while trying not to cry too loudly.

He didn’t believe he did the best job, but it was late enough for Virgil and Roman not to be up anymore, so he could risk it, he thought. He did not want to hide his pain, not entirely at least. But right now, his kiddos needed time and he didn’t know how to interact with them, without burdening them and hurting them with his own messy feelings.

His feelings which were loud and ugly and confusing. All the things he disliked about Remus, which scared him about Remus, were the things he hated about himself and he knew that that was actually his problem with Remus not the actual contributions the Duke wanted to bring into Thomas’s projects.

Patton was trying to accept these flaws. Those feelings, which were not nice and good. He had looked for books to read about it and Janus had been so kind to lend him a few out of his own collection. Janus had also been so kind to sit with him when he had dinner and lunch, while the others ate earlier or later.

Janus had checked in with him quite frequently, asked him how he was doing and – well it led to a whole different set of problems.

A mushy feeling in his stomach kind of problem. A fluttering heart kind of problem. An instantly-feeling-better-and-smiling-as soon-as-he-saw-him kind of problem.

And it really was a problem. Not that Patton was too surprised. Janus and he had always had a complicated but close relationship. Even back when Janus still had been hiding the others, Patton had never hated him. He knew he had his space just like he had his even if he didn’t understand why Janus needed to lie so often. Why he tempted Thomas to do so. And because of those temptations he had to remind Thomas often what was the right thing to do and afterwards got into discussions with Janus.

He never seemed to take him seriously though. He acted as if Patton was too naïve, too pure to understand how important it was for Thomas to hide sometimes. To be selfish. The truth was; Patton was neither. He knew that Thomas needed to look after himself. This was why he wanted Thomas to learn to cook. To learn more basic skills so he could rely on himself more and not constantly needed to ask for help. He just never quite got that he also had to learn more mental health skills.

Patton never saw the gravity of the whole situation and that was not because he was naïve or pure; it was because he didn’t want it to be true. Because he could not admit to himself that maybe he couldn’t keep Thomas going on his own (despite being the one to always tell the others that they needed to work together).

And in all of this turmoil Janus had turned up. Looked at him with different eyes, took him seriously and offered help. And Patton was scared. Scared that his kiddos would hate him if they knew he liked Janus. Scared they would hate him for wanting to be with him.

Scared that maybe Patton just imagined those feelings because he was just so desperate for a connection and manipulated Janus or maybe himself into some sort of relationship, which would hurt both of them.

And of course, scared of rejection, would Janus ever find out.

But then again… How much worse could it get? He was sitting on an uncomfortable barstool in the dead of the night eating cookies. It could not possibly get worse than that, could it?

The light in the kitchen was switched on.

Shocked Patton slowly looked towards the kitchen entrance and saw a dishevelled looking Janus standing in the doorframe. It almost looked like he had been crying as well.

“You ought to be kidding me,” Patton heard Janus mumble and swallowed his last bite from the cookie.

Stiffly Patton conjured himself a tissue, blew his nose and then slid down the chair to turn entirely towards his scaled … friend.

“I guess, great minds think alike?” Patton uttered half-heartedly unable to not fake a smile.

Janus huffed, half hid his face behind his hands and looked to the side.

“But fools seldom differ,” Patton heard Janus mumble and turn around.

And Patton panicked a little. Janus was about to go, to leave him and act as if they had never seen each other in such a state and Patton could not have that. Could not go back to before. Didn’t want to go back to before.

So, he reached his arm out, without ever touching Janus and begged: “Wait! I – Please stay. I know, I’ve asked too much of you already, but I don’t want to be left alone anymore. I want to talk. Really talk and I know that is a stupid thing to do at 3 o’clock in the morning but I still want to. If you don’t that is okay. You have your own thing and stress and I don’t want to burden you with my stuff… And I’m willing to listen, if you want to. I can do that too. I’m sure it can’t be easy…”

And Janus just stared for a moment. Then he pinched the bridge of his nose and turned to the cabinet where they kept their wine. Wordlessly, he pulled out a bottle and conjured a wine glass.

“Let’s go sit somewhere more comfortable,” Janus said and led them into the living room.

Patton followed silently and watched Janus sitting down on the couch and pour himself a glass of wine. Despite the tenseness of the deceitful side Patton admired the control in his movements, let his eyes trace along the movements of his arms and-

“Darn,” Patton muttered with a breathless laugh, pushed his glasses up and rubbed his eyes.

Janus stopped himself from taking a sip and Patton waved at him to wait a little longer. With a cough he caught himself and then smiled a little awkwardly.

“I think I need to say this, while we’re still sober so… I know it’s not smart nor the right timing. I get that you feel bad and this won’t help in any way at all and I don’t want to say this to make you feel you better and I don’t think it will make you feel better but… I like you. Like like you.”

Patton thought that Janus now would drop the glass and sink out on him. He was very certain he would. He would have understood.

But instead Janus blinked twice and then emptied his glass, refilled it and told Patton with a flat voice: “Sit down.”

And Patton sat down.

Janus gave him the wine glass.

“Drink this because I cannot possibly say this, when we are still sober.”

And Patton took a big sip and scrunched his nose. That one wasn’t that good, he just thought and then met eyes with Janus again, who suddenly looked terribly nervous.

“I found myself having… similar feelings for you. And hearing you telling me this does not make me feel better at all.”

And then Patton chucked down the rest of the glass and poured the next one. He handed it to Janus, who took a big sip and then gave it back to him.

Patton sniffed his nose. He glanced over to Janus. He looked so tired. He always did. The suave tone he put on so often and the gallant way he presented himself in never could hide it completely. Not from Patton at least.

“Are you afraid that Remus finds out?” Patton asked ever so quietly after taking a little sip.

Janus chuckled watery.

“I don’t know if it even matters at this point. He’s still mad at me for what I said to Roman. For calling him the evil twin and making the whole gap between him and Roman even bigger and- I cannot lose him… He’s all I had for so long and I-”

“You cannot exchange him for me. I understand. I’ve been cruel to him and I cannot expect him to ever forgive me for it.”

Janus looked to Patton. He was being honest. Janus put his left hand on Patton’s right.

“I don’t know if he can’t. He might. The others certainly will forgive you Patton. I know they will. I see you getting better and they certainly do too.”

Patton had barely heard him. The touch had caught him off guard and send a mushy warmth through his whole system, which almost had prevented him from answering.

“Thank you. I’m trying, I really am. And,” Patton stopped and after a moment of hesitation brought his other hand up to Janus’s face and turned it softly towards himself.

Patton felt Janus shiver from the touch. He gave him a moment and as he did not pull back, Patton smiled softly and traced up Janus’s scaled cheek. With his thumb he circled over the cool scales and felt Janus leaning into it.

“I’m sure we can show them all how wonderful you are. Even I can see it and I don’t have 20/20 vision.”

Janus smirked at the comment and Patton felt his chest filling with warmth.

“I don’t know, how you can be this optimistic,” Janus said softly mocking but without malice. “I don’t have too many wonderful traits, do I?”

“Oh, don’t get me started, Mister,” Patton whispered giggly and inched a little closer to Janus. “Just besides your beautifully vibrant eyes, great posture and stunning smile I could list so much more. Your intelligence for starters. Your way of explaining things to me and how satisfied and cheery you look when you get your point across. The way you look when you realise that your metaphors don’t work and how you pout when someone points it out to you.”

“H-hey!”

Patton laughed and gently leaned his forehead against Janus’s. He felt how Janus’s breath slightly hiccupped and his face flushed. Just as much as his own did.

“And I love your humour. I love it. I love the jokes and how you deliver them. I love the feeling I have when I’m with you. I love this happiness I feel right now.”

“Might be the alcohol.”

“Might be the alcohol,” Patton hummed but Janus knew that was a lie.

Gingerly Janus brought his lips closer to Patton’s and watched Patton close his eyes and in response closed his. Then he closed the gap between them.

Sleepily, Janus and Patton ended the soft kiss and Janus nestled his head onto Patton’s shoulder. Patton put his arms tightly around Janus and leaned his head against the top of Janus’s.

“You didn’t manipulate me into this,” Janus said gently and snuggled up a little more.

“How did you…?” Patton asked his eyes almost shutting.

But the slight tremble from Janus’s giggle keeps him awake as Janus answers: “I’ve seen you a lot. And I see the way you hide the smallest signs of self-doubt in your face at all times. I’d much rather see your silly smile directed at me more often. Silly and happy and just carefree. I’d like that a lot better. Would be great self-care for me and you.”

“Would you, now?” Patton whispered with a grin and his eyes closed for the night.

And just a moment later Janus followed him into the land of dreams.

___

When Virgil went into the living room in the morning, he had not expected to be met with Remus sitting crisscrossed a few feet away from the couch and staring at the tangled mess that sleeping Janus and Patton were.

The Duke looked over his shoulder and they just stared at each other for a moment before Virgil walked up to him and stood next to him for the next few minutes.

Then there came Logan and Roman almost at the same time. Logan took the almost empty wine bottle and the empty glass standing on the coffee table, while Roman took Patton’s glasses off and tucked them in in a blanket. Wordlessly, the four had a conversation, Virgil stretched his hand out for Remus and the Duke pulled himself back on his feet and the four walked into the kitchen.

Virgil made coffee and Roman toasted some bread for all of them. Logan and Remus meanwhile put away the remains of Patton’s cookie disaster. In a strange sense of truce, they all stood against different counters of the kitchen and ate the first meal in the morning.

And then eventually, Logan sighed, looked through the round and said to the three others: “Well, let’s talk about the new normal, those two saps have established tonight.”

___

Masterpost | Taglist

@aprincehasgotoslay

@varthandi

@sickeningly-deceitful

@sammy-is-obsessed / @exhaustedfander

@unoriginalgayboyalex

@alexisrealgay

#sanders sides #moceit #janus sanders #patton sanders #love confessions #Mims Requests #sanders sides fic

[patromlogil]

Dealing With Intrusive Thoughts - Analysis: What Is Up With Logan?

Thanks to everyone who voted for where to start, looking a little deeper at the song there is just so much of Remus in there (duh) and I want to hold off on going too much with him just yet. Besides, I started the SVS analysis with Logan and there’s something to be said about thematic rhyming, having the starting point match. Also this part doesn’t quite align with a lot of the rest of the analysis so might as well get it started.

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Analysis Tag List

@bluezingzapper @theitalianscribe @riot-meme @dabookwormcat @thatoneevan @icantpayattentiontoanything @4-the-love-of-anime1074 @never-rose-fander @lhumya @lime-trash @salted-skittles @sweaterkitty-fluff @risiskifi @catsarebestest @imnotcameraready @zozomind @mrs-masen-cullen @magpie1230 @suyun-doo @tinwegf @daflangstlairde @ryans-own2051  @ukeneko @awesomefandomfangirlfan @chaoticglitcher @dreamteaze @a-happy-crusteacean @inksandpensblog @bumble-bitch-sanders @tourettesservicedog @chatnoirismycinnamonroll @centorinsystems @anxiousalwaysvirgil @sariahs-song​ @hufflepuffgirl01​ @rivertherushingwater​ @free-the-fandom​

people who asked to be added but whom Tumblr wouldn’t let me tag for some reason-  @iihulkgirlii  @thiaholimon  @awkwardboisposts @shinydreamer1262  @cyrianadebergerac

Something felt kind of off the first time around, but it took me a few more watches and a lot of notes before I was able to break it down and figure it out. When I say ‘what’s up’ I don’t mean, ‘what’s wrong’. Quite the opposite in fact. What I’ve noticed honestly makes me so proud of Logan.

What do we know of Logan as a character? He thinks fairly highly of himself. He often values his own contributions over those of the others. More than once he acquiesces to the other’s suggestions but infrequently shows any true interest in a plan that’s not his own. He’s prone to frustration when trying to communicate with the other Sides, and he wishes to be taken seriously.

In Dealing With Intrusive Thoughts (DWIT) though, Logan is patient, calm, collected, he barely becomes frustrated or lashes out at all. Logan doesn’t shoot the others down, or dismiss them, he hears them out, trying to gain an understanding as to why they’re reacting the way they are.

Mr Logic “I need to be taken seriously” Logan even screams out FALSEHOOD! With a sly smirk to show he understands what it is to overreact. In that moment, Logan knows he looks silly but he knows they will likely better understand a demonstration from him than an argument. Throughout the entire video, with one exception, Logan keeps his head and doesn’t push the others, instead hearing them out and countering their points directly and effectively.

So where has this change come from?

In Learning New Things About Ourselves (LNTAO), Logan ended the video having had an epiphany. The silliness the others frequently indulge in perhaps holds more merit than he’s understood and given them credit for. He may not understand or relate to it himself, but that doesn’t mean it’s worthless and to be disregarded. If anything, he probably realises that just as he struggles to understand their aim, they may well struggle to understand him on occasion. It would stand to reason that as a result of this, Logan might research how to better communicate with the other Sides in a way that would better benefit them all, and if you listen to how he addresses the other Sides, it makes sense.

Roman summons him, something that we’ve only ever seen Roman do when he needs Logan’s help, Though maybe minorly frustrated, Logan doesn’t complain about being interrupted, and though clearly caught off guard at being summoned he doesn’t look angry. He just asks what Roman needs and gets straight to it.

As for Virgil and Patton, Logan listens. Seriously, watch it again and see the shots of Logan just taking in what they have to say, giving them a chance to voice their concern before countering them without anger, or malice, or judgement. Watch him use their own words against them in a way that forces them to consider what they’re doing. Watch him catch himself in his frustration, only to stop and reword it, thanking Virgil for being vigilant and validating his experience instead of undermining it, then firmly yet calmly insisting that he listen. And it works. Virgil and Patton respond to this, needing a few points to be pressed and repeated but eventually getting to the correct realisation that Logan has been trying to help them reach from the start. And Logan, the entire time constantly reassures them all, Thomas, Roman, Virgil, and Patton, that this is all okay. It’s fine. 

Fellow fanders, what I found out about Logan was, he’s grown. Proof positive that he’s eaten a figurative slice of humble pie, realised that maybe he doesn’t have the only answers, then taken that realisation, and used it to better help him to fulfil his role as Thomas’s Logical Side.

And I am so proud of him.

#Sanders Sides #Logan Sanders #Dealing With Intrusive Thoughts #Sanders Sides Theory #ts spoilers

[perspective-series]

Thomas Perspective (11/19)

By: @arc852 and @hiddendreamer67

Warnings: Discussion of a person’s fate, unwanted touching

First Chapter || Previous Chapter || Next Chapter

————————————————————————————————–

“...Perhaps four human individuals it a bit much for Thomas to process.” Logan observed.

“Well we have to decide what to do with Thomas first!” Roman protested. “And I for one am not leaving him.”

“You forgot him. At school.” Virgil reminded him slowly through gritted teeth.

“Wait, what?” Patton looked between his friends, confused. “I’m sorry...how do you all know Thomas, exactly?”

 Thomas winced at Roman’s words and then glanced up through his bangs at Patton. “Well,” Thomas started, feeling brave. He wasn’t about to be talked over like he wasn’t even there. “Virgil kidnapped me and locked me in a cage and then Roman came and kidnapped me again. He then took me to school were I tried to escape but then Logan came along and kidnapped me a third time. So, you know, the usual.”

“I did not kidnap-”

“You fell on me first!” 

“Gentlemen!” Roman spoke up, putting his hands up as if to place a wall between Logan and Virgil. “Thomas was talking, and you have no right to undermine his feelings like that. That being said, Thomas, kidnapping? Really, me?”

 “Yes, all of you have kidnapped me at some point!” Thomas shouted, finally standing from his curled up position. He briefly wondered why he was suddenly so brave before realizing it was because, well…

 He really had nothing left to lose.

 “That’s what this is! I’m being held against my will, unable to go home. Being trapped in a cage!” He motioned towards Virgil. “Acting like you know what’s best for me!” He motioned to both Roman and Logan. “And treating me like a pet!” He motioned towards Patton at that.

The four glanced around the circle as if trying to judge who was guilty of the worst crime.

“...y’know personally I think cages and pets are a lot worse than what I did.” Roman murmured. 

“Thomas, I would like to point out that my behavior towards your well being is not meant to be derogatory.” Logan adjusted his glasses. “I do the same for all the individuals here.”

“That’s just because you think you’re right about everything.” Virgil sneered.

“I don’t think I’m right, I know I’m right.” Logan corrected.

 “I don’t care, I didn’t ask for it.” Thomas said to Logan, before turning to Roman. “And you were all bad. But despite Mr. putting me in a cage and Mr. treating me like a pet, you were probably the worst.” 

“Wait… what?” Roman looked hurt by Thomas’ comment.

“Seriously?” Virgil raised an eyebrow. He thought he had to have been the worst with the whole cage thing.

“What did Roman do?” Patton asked almost timidly.

 “A lot. Dropping me for one thing.” Thomas explained. “But Roman was only slightly worse than the rest of you. Again, you were all pretty bad.”

“I rescued you from where Roman abandoned you.” Logan looked annoyed at the prospect of being grouped with the others. “Not to mention, I helped you begin to heal from the injuries you accumulated from the first two.”

 Thomas bit the inside of his cheek. “I guess you weren’t too bad. But you still wouldn't let me go and implied that you would never.” Thomas looked down.

 “None of you listened to me. The closest was Virgil and he didn’t listen the right way. You all think you know what’s best for me just because I’m smaller than you but you don’t! I’m a grown adult who has been living on my own since I was 16. I don’t need any help. So, Let. Me. Go.”

“Look, just because I wasn’t all for you going off and robbing the neighbors doesn’t mean i was listening the ‘wrong’ way.” Virgil argued.

“Why would Thomas do something like that?” Patton gasped.

“Thomas, how old are you?” Logan asked, his curiosity making him miss the point.

 Thomas groaned. They still weren’t listening. “I’m 29.”

“Dang, Thomas, you’re old.” Roman whistled. The average age of this group collectively was only about 22. 

“We’re getting off track.” Virgil waved his hands a bit. “Look, I still stand by my thought that Thomas should stay with us. He promised to stay a week with me, but if for some reason he’s more comfortable with one of you I’m willing to make an exception.”

 “And what if I’m not comfortable with any of you?” Thomas pointed out. More tears escaped him. “Why-Why won’t you just let me leave.”

“Thomas, I’m so sorry!” Patton leaned down to put his hands on the coffee table and be at eye level with him. “I didn’t mean to, I wasn’t trying to treat you like...like a-” Patton began to blubber through his words again, tearing up.

“Oh, wonderful.” Logan pushed up his glasses. “Virgil, you have managed to upset them both simultaneously.”

 Thomas did feel a little bad, watching Patton crying on the table behind him. He shook his head, trying his best to ignore it. “You guys still aren’t listening…” Thomas muttered. At this rate, they never would.

“I’m listening, I’m just ignoring you.” Virgil shrugged.

“See, that-” Roman pointed at Virgil, “-that right there? Not helpful. Lose the atti-tude, stormy dude.”

“Why can’t we just let him go?” Patton looked up at his friends with puppy dog eyes.

“He’s injured.” Logan reminded the group, being the only one observant enough to remember. “If we send him out on his own his probability of survival is significantly lowered.”

 Thomas frowned. “It’s not that bad. I’ve been through much worse and still managed to borrow what I needed.” He was starting to like Patton a bit better, though. He just hoped the others wouldn’t change his mind.

“Thomas, you really are hurt?!” Patton gasped, fresh tears springing up as he remembered just how many times he had hugged Thomas. “Do you need an ice pack? A hot pack?”

“Patton, stay focused.” Roman reminded him, snapping his fingers once. 

“Yeah, he said he was fine.” Virgil pointed out.

 “Yeah. I’m fine Patton, you don’t have to worry about me.” Thomas said, turning to Patton to give him a soft smile. He then immediately realized what he was doing and looked away. Crap, he couldn’t get attached. Abort, abort!

“Yes, you do have to worry about him!” Logan argued, looking both frustrated and worried. “If Thomas is not in optimal physical condition he risks greater injuries or even death.”

“Hnng…” Patton made a distressed puppy sound, not sure who to believe as he looked around the room.

“Stop doing your weird scientific coddling thing, sir issac nerd-ton.” Roman gave him a shoo-ing motion with his hand, looking annoyed. “You just want to push your weird water guzzling agenda again to keep Thomas from living a life full of adventures!”

 Thomas sighed, sitting down in the center of the table. Not quite curling in on himself but almost. Why did he even try. “I’m fine.” 

“All I’m proposing is that we at least allow Thomas to heal before we do anything brash.” Logan put his hands up in defense. 

“Wow, Logan actually contributing something useful.” Virgil raised an eyebrow, looking across the table. “That’s a first.”

“Virgil, don’t be mean!” Patton gasped, leaning over to cover Logan’s ears.

“Patton, I’m not a child.” Logan gave Patton a small glare, removing Patton’s arms. 

 Thomas looked up, realizing there might be an upside to them all ignoring him. With all of them talking over them, they were barely paying any attention to what he was doing. And why wouldn’t they, he was essentially trapped up there with the four of them surrounding him on all sides. But maybe...they wouldn’t notice if he snuck off. Thomas had no hope it would actually work but he wouldn’t forgive himself if he didn’t at least try.

 Standing up, he decided to head for the space between Patton and Logan, since they seemed the most distracted. He slowly started to shift in that direction before taking off. He didn’t slow down as he got closer to the edge though, because his plan wasn’t to climb down but to jump.

“He’s making a break for it!” Virgil tensed up, his nerves skyrocketing the closer Thomas got to the edge.

“Careful-!” Patton gasped, but Logan was faster. Quickly Logan released Patton’s wrists, reaching out to instead catch the borrower.

 Seeing the hand coming for him, Thomas took a sharp turn away from Logan and his hand. It brought him closer to Patton but the edge was not that much farther away. He ran the extra foot, before he jumped off.

Patton dove to catch Thomas, feeling the little guy land safely in his palms. “Oh my goodness.” Patton let out a worried breath, sitting back up and examining Thomas closely. “Are you alright?”

“He’s fine, he was just trying to...escape.” Virgil felt a bitter aftertaste grow on his tongue at the thought.

“Well that doesn’t mean he’s not hurt!” Roman argued, having personally experienced just how much a fall could hurt Thomas. “Have some sympathy for once, sour grapes.”

 Thomas didn’t say anything. Instead, he shifted so he was hugging his knees and looking down. He knew his attempt wasn’t going to work...but for a second there he had really thought he was going to get away.

 But no, he was still at the mercy of these four humans. 

 The four humans he had spent the better part of two years watching and had started to think that maybe...in a different universe where he was a human...they could have been friends. 

 He’d rather be in that universe than one where they saw him as nothing more than a criminal, or a pet, or a child.

“...Thomas?” Patton asked softly, lifting him higher. “Are you okay?” All of his friends quieted their bickering, watching as Patton gently nudged Thomas’ side.

 At the touch, Thomas curled up further. “I just want to go home.” He said softly.

#also an excellent scene i love this story #thomas perspective #perspective series #borrower!thomas #human!logan #human!virgil #human!patton #human!roman #tp #part 11 #maybe? #i'm definitely gonna lose count

[the-duke-of-deodorant]

Y’allsehood 1/?

*it’s finally here owo* 

Chapter summary: Logan is introduced to the town and many of the new people in it. He finds out more about Remus’ powers the town always talked about and began to see what the Duke was really capable of.  Ships: Logicallity, some Analogical Warnings: Supernatural powers, violent unsympathetic Remus, abusive relationship (creativtwins), beating, major character death (referenced), weapons, referenced mass shootings, dark magic/hallucinations, drinking, sympathetic Virgil,  Characters: Logan, Patton, Virgil, Remy, Remus, Roman (referenced- Character!Thomas) Word count: 2739 POV: 3rd Thank you @stop-it-anxiety for beta reading! (and starting this whole trainwreck. It’s great) 

The town felt oddly familiar, too similar to the one Logan moved away from to start all over here. He blended in with everyone busying around and getting to wherever it was they needed to go. His horse slowed down to a careful trot and he moved through the crowd. In his old town the rich got around with horses and carriages, but this didn’t seem to be the case here. Most got around on foot, which helped make the town look less crowded when traveling though it but made it harder for Logan to make sure no one was standing in front of his so he wouldn’t crash into anyone. A horrible first impression of the soon to be new sheriff.

This place has been without any sort of law system for around a month now since the death of the old sheriff, who had lost a fight and was practically beaten to death by the town’s best criminal. It wasn’t the beating that killed him but the shot right after, but that didn’t matter now. What mattered is that he was dead and not what it was that killed him. What mattered is that Logan was there now and was able to help, no matter what it took. Even if he had to go through the same painful death Thomas did. Despite what everyone said he wasn’t scared like he was supposed to be. That’s what made him such a good sheriff, he didn’t believe in fear. He didn’t believe he could feel any sort of fear anyway. It felt unnatural not to flinch when a gun was pointed at him, but that’s what happened. There was no way of explaining it.

Crofters was tied to the fence of the house he would be staying in for a while with his partner he had yet to meet, Patton. Thomas’ old deputy, and now his. He’s heard the name plenty of times going through the town mixed in with his own. He heard Patton was nice. Almost too nice, and let people get away with a little more than what they were supposed to. Thomas was the same way he heard, but that was going to change fast now that he was here. No one is going to get away with hurting people because the law is too scared to fight them. Sure, Thomas wasn’t scared in the moment. Look where that got him. He became the reason everyone was scared.

—————

Logan and Patton traveled by foot to blend in with the rest of the town. This place seemed much bigger than his old home, and there were many more shops and restaurants and theatres to go to if anyone had some time to kill on a normal day. The two of them were stopped at a bulletin board posted in the center of town, with plenty of random papers stapled to the board from places wanting to hire, missing posters, and the town's most wanted. All of the posters could already be seen splattered on walls and posts and trees, and this was just another reminder those same famous criminals existed. The face he saw in most places was Remus. That same picture with his crazy smile and clown-ish looking outfit printed in black and white all over. The same poster was stapled multiple times on the board mixed in with the rest of them.

MOST WANTED:

REMUS SANDERS “DUKE”

Charged with:

-Kidnapping and abuse of Roman Sanders

-Killing over 100 passengers on a stolen train

-Contributions to the black market

-Seriously this guy killed like 50 people just riding through town just turn him in plz.

REWARD: $150,000

“One hundred fifty thousand…” Logan stares at the picture, the Duke’s wild hair and crazy smile printed into the paper nailed to the board in the center of town. “No wonder this town was in need of a sheriff. This guy probably killed the last one.”

“Aren’t you scared?” Patton asks, Logan’s new assigned deputy. They had met only a few hours ago, and decided to spend time together walking through town to help Logan get more familiar with the city and get to know his partner better before going into official business.

“Scared of what?”

“Getting killed?”

“Well, he hasn’t killed me yet, has he?” The picture on the poster amused him- how Remus looked exactly like a cliche criminal in the movies, mostly the moustache and cowboy hat that set him off like that. And his costume, like some sort of cowboy-clown. Logan takes the poster from the board and folds it, then slides it into his pocket to use for later.

“You know what happened to the last sheriff, right?” Patton’s voice was soft, watching the reflections in Logan’s glasses. He remembered everything. How much the other sheriff fought the beating and ended up shaking on the ground. And Remus finally put a bullet in his chest. Maybe he would have had some mercy if he hadn’t fought back so much. The two had always pushed each other to their limit until then, and Patton was there for all of it. He witnessed his death, but Remus didn’t know until he was charged of murder and Patton testified against him. He broke out of jail, and everyone was too scared to try him again.

“Of course,” Logan adjusted his glasses and let out a breath, starting to reimagine the story Patton had told him before. “And that’s why I need this job. I’m sorry for your old friend by the way, you guys were close.”

—————

Logan snuck out again around 10:00 after Patton had gone to bed, just to explore town again on his own and go into the things he was most curious about and could be most helpful to his work. The only thing they had done the first time was walk as Patton rambled about what there was to do here and all the people he knows and stories that came from certain buildings he liked to spend time in. Now he was alone, using his hat to help him blend in with the crowd and using the shadows after sunset to his advantage for blending in. Maybe a few people recognized him, but it was unlikely considering he hasn’t even started his job yet and since more people were here it was harder to tell when someone new came along. Less people crowded the streets at night, so at least he didn’t have to worry about moving through people anymore.

The only thing still open this late was a small tavern across from where Patton and Logan had found Remus’ poster. It looked fairly empty from what he could see, which wasn’t much of a surprise since most people drank during the day and started to go home once the sun began to set. From the window he could see it was dim and uncrowded, with only one or two people at the counters and no one sitting at the tables or dancing.

All eyes turned on him, all eyes being only two. The man behind the counter looked up immediately, as if he already recognized the man who walked in. The other slowly turned once he saw his friend was staring at something and met eyes with Logan as soon as he did. Both men dressed a bit strange, one of them wearing a purple vest- purple being an extremely rare color for clothes where he was from- with smoke colored bags under his eyes, and the other wore a leather jacket with a dark blue skirt that went down to his boots. The first one looked like he wanted to say something but couldn’t find the right words in the moment. Logan was the first one to speak up.

“I’m sorry to interrupt. I’m new here, I’m just exploring to get more familiar with the town.”

“You’re Logan?” The man in purple finally spoke, quickly changing the topic from whatever Logan was about to say.

“...Why does that matter?”

“Your name’s been going around like wildfire. We saw you walking with Patton out there a while ago. It’s not that hard to connect the dots.” The man gestured to the open seat next to him, inviting Logan to come sit with the two of them. “May I offer you a drink?”

“I shouldn’t. I have a big day tomorrow.”

“Then come sit with us and tell us what you’ve learned so far.” Logan didn’t move. “You’re gonna be sheriff, you gotta know your stuff. Do you know any of the top criminals here? You’ll be working against them.” Logan reached in his pocket for the flyer and tossed it at the counter in front of Virgil.

“Remus Sanders. Worth $150,000 dead or alive. The average criminal is like 50 or 60 thousand.”

“He killed a lot of people,” Remy said. “Important people too. That’s why you’re here.” Virgil never said anything, but kept staring at the picture and re-reading the words on the flyer. Virgil slams the flyer back down to the table.

“How long do you really think you’re gonna last here? Be honest.”

“If all goes well I plan on staying until retirement.” Virgil went quiet. “Listen you might not believe me right now but I’ve done this before and I can do it again. This guy isn’t any different than anyone else I’ve arrested. With me here now all of this is gonna stop. I’m not gonna let it keep going.”

“Why should I believe you?”

“It’s my job. Someone has to do it.” Virgil tried not to look at his smile. “Things are gonna change here.”

—————

The real first day Remus was the only thing set on Logan’s mind. Town’s most wanted. Most wanted. As his days in the new town grew he learned more and more about the highest criminal. No one was able to arrest him, and everyone who tried didn’t make it. Even if they could, Remus seemed like someone that could break out in a matter of days. Still, all the chaos he was bringing had to be ended somehow. He heard stories of his brother, the only one of his victims that didn’t end up buried in the ground. His mind wandered as the horse sped up, starting to make him lose balance. The grip on Crofter’s saddle grew tighter fighting against the wind as his mind returned to the dirt path in front of him and his horse.

The image that was in his mind came to life as they pulled up closer to the scene they were heading towards. The two were called to handle one of Remus’ episodes with his brother. Past the train tracks, Remus had his brother tied to a thin tree with rope. No weapons were seen, yet the prince appeared like he had been mentally beaten. Defeated. Normally the crimes involving his twin were ignored since no one is killed in the crime, and most were too afraid to involve themselves in the Duke’s presence.

Logan thought differently about letting him get away with it, whatever he was doing to him. Maybe he was scared knowing the Duke had magic unlike normal humans. No one knows where they came from, and only Roman had been able to witness it and survive. Yet he kept quiet. No one seemed to blame him for it either. Virgil had seen a glimpse of what he could do and bailed before anything could happen. He described darkness taking over everything in his vision, and controlled hallucinations in the corner of his eyes, then he escaped and hadn’t seen Remus in person since. They talked about his powers, and Logan got the whole story when he made himself heard to the boy behind the counter dressed in purple leather and dark eyeshadow surrounding his eyes. Make up looking similar to Remus’ on the paper he stole off the town’s most wanted board.

The two horses had slowed down to a halt on the other side of the tracks. From a distance it didn’t look like much, in comparison to the other things Remus has done anyway. The scene was exactly how they had been told. The victim was tied to a tree, no longer trying to escape, and there weren’t any weapons being used, though from a distance you could see weapons hiding in the Duke’s pockets in his costume. This was the first time Logan had seen Remus in person. Real. Not just some story that had been told to him in the tavern by local drunkards. Real criminal, real crime. Though no magic had been seen where Remus and his brother had been standing. That was the hardest part for Logan to believe.

Patton seemed a little more on edge than usual. He stared at the Duke, watching his smooth gestures toward the prince in fear of what he was saying to him unaware of the law’s presence behind them. Patton had dealt with the Duke’s chaos before, only he was the one to live. The past sheriff didn’t live, and that fact didn’t scare Logan as much as it should have. Not at the time anyway.

Without saying a word, Logan swung off his horse and tied it to another thin tree close to Patton’s. Patton stayed still, silent, They addressed the plan beforehand when Patton protested coming up to Roman’s rescue, so Patton wouldn’t have to interact with the Duke unless he had to. The fear was real, even if it had to be part of the job. Logan walked past the train tracks, pulling a gun from his belt to use if he needed to. He held it beside him so Remus wouldn’t see it as a threat stright to him, but still see the weapon to know not to do anything stupid.

“Excuse me, are you Remus?” The man ignored him, continuing his business with the man dressed in red. There was no mistaking him even from behind. His outfit, that made him look like a lime green clown more than anything. When no response came Logan repeated himself. “Mr. Sanders, we need to talk.” No response. After a moment Logan reached into his belt for his gun, then fired a warning shot that moved just pass his head, just enough to get him to turn around and acknowledge the sheriff behind him.

“You’ve got a nerve.” Remus turns, reaching for throwing stars in his shirt pocket in case he needed to use them on his intruder. “...Sheriff? Oh, they must have hired a new one.”

“Sorry to interrupt, but I’m afraid playtime is over. Time to let him go.”

“Who told you to come up here?”

“There was a report of a goblin harassing a young prince. I have reason to believe that’s you.” The Duke stopped, taking slow steps toward the sheriff. “This is only a warning. Let him go and we can all move on with our lives, if you protest I have right to arrest.”

“Arrest me?” The Duke laughs. “You haven’t heard the stories, have you?”

“I have. I believe you haven’t seemed to hear anything of me before.” The Duke waited for him to continue. “I don’t have fear. That’s what made me so good in my old town. Must be some sort of magic like yours.”

“That explains it. To come here during brother’s playtime you must be crazy or have a death wish. You seem to be the first one, crazy.” Logan stuttered at the strange nickname he was given. Remus isn’t a normal criminal. Well, he found that on the first day exploring town with Patton. Most criminals he worked with before never used any cute nicknames. “You know about my magic?” The cheer in the Duke’s voice was strange, interested in whatever it was Logan was about to say.

“I’ve heard stories…” A wave of darkness takes over the nature surrounding the three until the only thing Logan would see was the green and black figure standing in front of him. Remus.

“Don’t believe in magic, do ya? Not before anyway.” Logan never moved. Remus reached in his pocket and pulled out a knife and made a cutting motion where the prince was once standing, pointing over to where Patton would be standing if it were for the cloud of darkness blocking his vision.

*leaves on cliffhanger cuz this is already super long as is and I already promised I would post this like three days ago*

Next Masterlist

Taglist: @cats-fandom-universe-room @ramsiasofthesea @emmydragon @krisdoesart @rainbab @jade7he9em @idunnosong @mr-candalous @lexilucacia @royalnerd829 @not-in-my-good-gucci-household @optimistic-violinist @wigsnatchedhoteltrivago @winterrs-child @stop-it-anxiety @canvas-the-florist @monstercupcake61176 @katie-the-noble-fangirl @flowersheep @ms-top-hat @skruffy901 @idkwhyimhere0o0 @laytonsartblog @starryfirefliesbloggo @remusthedukeofdeodorant @thecatchat @znikitrash @awkwardandanxiousfander @nowletmeseeyourkezzhands @prox-xima @artist-of-insanity @hela-daughter-of-loki @sanders-stuffs

#y'allsehood fic #logicallity #unsympathetic remus #ts logan #ts patton #ts remy #logan sanders #y'allsehood #ts fanfic #duke dont look

[magpiemorality]

On the fourth day of Christmas

Virgil, Logan, Roman & Patton, The First Christmas

Four Collie Birds

An-Virgil was sat in his room on the floor, scrolling through his tumblr. The door was open, and through it he could hear the sounds of voices in the distant living room, and smell all sorts of delicious things baking.

The voices were Logan and Roman, currently arguing over who was right about the lyrics of a particular Christmas song. They'd been going round and round for a good twenty minutes already, and Virgil was surprised that Patton hadn't beaten them both around the head with a wooden spoon, honestly. There were only so many times you could hear the exact same argument made, only getting progressively louder, before it drove you to violence. Probably. Virgil didn't really know? He'd never been in a living situation where you had friendly housemates that held arguments with each other that didn't swiftly devolve into battles to the death; genuinely cruel and personal snipes; or one or more people involved leaving and refusing to talk to the other again.

It was a novel experience, hence the open door.

Patton's perky voice interjected briefly, and Virgil's ears pricked up curiously, but there was just a moment's silence from the other two and then they were protesting whatever he said, and returning to their disagreement. Patton must have decided he'd contributed plenty and returned to baking, but if the sudden loud clanging of utensils and subsequent turning on of the electric mixer was any indication; he was finally getting a little tired of the situation.

Virgil looked down at his phone, and glanced away when he realised he hadn't even been taking in anything he'd scrolled through while he'd been eavesdropping. Too busy being a nosy parker. What would they think if they knew? He was on shaky ground as it was, but if any of the other three came by- not that they would honestly Virgil why would you even think that it's ridiculous- but if they did then they'd probably yell at him for listening in! Or even just for not participating! Patton took social time very seriously, maybe he would think- maybe he already thought Virgil was being rude by staying in his room while they were all downstairs and on Christmas Eve no less-

Fourseveneight. Four, seven, eight. Four. Seven. Eight. Four. Seven. Eight. There we go.

He sat up and back against his bed frame. It must be nice to be so sure of the world and your place in it that thoughts like that didn't come buzzing in any time they pleased. It must be nice being confident in your role and relationships and not questioning everything to the point of physically being affected on a regular basis. He wanted that, for Thomas and for himself, and yet in moments like these- despite all the progress they'd just made when they came to retrieve him from his self-imposed exile- Virgil secretly wondered if it was ever on the cards. Sure that was the point, right? In accepting anxiety? Accepting him as part of Thomas? But accepting didn't mean giving in to, and Virgil knew the others had to wonder at what stage acceptance would turn into action and working on steadily removing him bit by bit.

Strangely, the thought didn't even make him anxious in itself. It was oddly soothing, because it was the worst case scenario, so it was literally what his brain wanted him to think about at all times. And there was a security in 'knowing' what would happen. It was just a shame.

Because he was kind of enjoying the voices and the smells and the smiles and the friendship and Thomas greeting him instead of recoiling from him. And it was Christmas, so for once Virgil allowed himself a moment to imagine a scenario where he never quite got better, but that was okay. It looked a little something like; Patton, smiling and giving him a squeeze of the hand as he walked by to the kitchen to make four mugs of coffee instead of three. Logan, sitting and rambling through various details about space and the stars when Virgil went to him voluntarily during a more panicked moment. Roman, dragging him along and not taking no for an answer onto an adventure in the imagination, where they were both heroes, saving innocents from harm in their own ways...

From his spot on the floor Virgil smiled at the thought, blinking back to reality when he realised the noise had stopped.

He looked up just as Logan knocked on the already open door, and they stared at each other for a moment before Logan cleared his throat. "Patton is nearly ready to take the gingerbread out, and we can start decorating. Are you- I mean we never really invited you, I apologise for that, but are you coming to join us?"

"Um," ohgodohgodwhatshouldhesay. "I-"

"If you'd prefer not to, that is also acceptable. Patton would understand, we all would."

Normally Virgil would have taken that badly. It was easy to misinterpret as Logan offering him an out and secretly hoping he'd take it, because they didn't really want him there... but after his nice daydream and seeing the genuine warmth on Logan's face, Virgil cut himself some slack and shook his head. "Actually I'd, I'd really like that."

"Oh good!" Logan perked up, and Virgil's little emo heart ached a little to see the reaction. "Patton will be delighted. And Roman is in a bit of a- well he's a Christmas fan, I'm sure you're aware, so he's a bit exuberant, you have been warned."

It made Virgil stifle a soft chuckle, and he stood up to join the other side. "Yeah I kinda heard. He's really stubborn about this, huh," he snorted. Logan wrinkled his nose.

"I wish he'd just see sense! It is quite well documented that the original line is-"

"Four collie birds, after blackbirds, yeah," Virgil interrupted, enjoying Logan's pleased surprise. "But I mean, I guess the whole point of songs like that is that they evolve. Like society, and the people singing. So maybe the more interesting fact about it isn't knowing the original line, but knowing-"

"Knowing the lines changed at all!" Logan finished along with him, shooting him a thoughtful look. "You know, Virgil, you're very insightful. I have several other linguistic factoids I would love to discuss if you wish? We can go through them while we decorate the cookies. Oh, and once Roman has been informed of your game-changing perspective, of course."

Virgil smiled shyly at him, and Logan smiled back. "Sounds good to me."

The door to his room stayed open all night, and he didn't return to it until late, when Patton ushered them all to bed so that Santa could visit.

The next day he was up before breakfast when Roman dragged him out because "it's CHRISTMAS!" And he couldn't have been happier to find himself on the couch for most of the day, smelling the cooking and hearing the voices from up close, but this time able to join in and enjoy every little extra thing about being around the other three that just wasn't the same from in his room.

It was the best Christmas ever.

12 Days of Sides-mas Masterpost

#virgil sanders #ts virgil #logan sanders #ts logan #roman sanders #ts roman #patton sanders #ts patton #ts lamp #12 days of sidesmas #writing challenge #ts writing #sanders sides #sanders side fic #ts sanders sides #my writing

[megs-writing]

Y’allsehood

Ships: Logicallity, Analogical Warnings: Supernatural powers, violent unsympathetic Remus, abusive relationship (creativitwins), beating, major character death (referenced), weapons, referenced mass shootings, dark magic/hallucinations, drinking, sympathetic Virgil, (if I need to add anything to the warnings please let me know!)  Characters: Logan, Patton, Virgil, Remy, Remus, Roman (referenced- Character!Thomas) Word count: 2739 Thank you @stop-it-anxiety for beta reading! (and starting this whole trainwreck. It’s great) 

 The town felt oddly familiar, too similar to the one Logan moved away from to start all over here. He blended in with everyone busying around and getting to wherever it was they needed to go. His horse slowed down to a careful trot and he moved through the crowd. In his old town the rich got around with horses and carriages, but this didn’t seem to be the case here. Most got around on foot, which helped make the town look less crowded when traveling though it but made it harder for Logan to make sure no one was standing in front of his so he wouldn’t crash into anyone. A horrible first impression of the soon to be new sheriff. 

This place has been without any sort of law system for around a month now since the death of the old sheriff, who had lost a fight and was practically beaten to death by the town’s best criminal. It wasn’t the beating that killed him but the shot right after, but that didn’t matter now. What mattered is that he was dead and not what it was that killed him. What mattered is that Logan was there now and was able to help, no matter what it took. Even if he had to go through the same painful death Thomas did. Despite what everyone said he wasn’t scared like he was supposed to be. That’s what made him such a good sheriff, he didn’t believe in fear. He didn’t believe he could feel any sort of fear anyway. It felt unnatural not to flinch when a gun was pointed at him, but that’s what happened. There was no way of explaining it. 

Crofters was tied to the fence of the house he would be staying in for a while with his partner he had yet to meet, Patton. Thomas’ old deputy, and now his. He’s heard the name plenty of times going through the town mixed in with his own. He heard Patton was nice. Almost too nice, and let people get away with a little more than what they were supposed to. Thomas was the same way he heard, but that was going to change fast now that he was here. No one is going to get away with hurting people because the law is too scared to fight them. Sure, Thomas wasn’t scared in the moment. Look where that got him. He became the reason everyone was scared. 

_ _ _ _ _ 

Logan and Patton traveled by foot to blend in with the rest of the town. This place seemed much bigger than his old home, and there were many more shops and restaurants and theatres to go to if anyone had some time to kill on a normal day. The two of them were stopped at a bulletin board posted in the center of town, with plenty of random papers stapled to the board from places wanting to hire, missing posters, and the town's most wanted. All of the posters could already be seen splattered on walls and posts and trees, and this was just another reminder those same famous criminals existed. The face he saw in most places was Remus. That same picture with his crazy smile and clown-ish looking outfit printed in black and white all over. The same poster was stapled multiple times on the board mixed in with the rest of them. 

MOST WANTED: 

REMUS SANDERS “DUKE”

Charged with:

-Kidnapping and abuse of Roman Sanders

-Killing over 100 passengers on a stolen train

-Contributions to the black market

-Seriously this guy killed like 50 people just riding through town just turn him in plz.

REWARD: $150,000 

“One hundred fifty thousand…” Logan stares at the picture, the Duke’s wild hair and crazy smile printed into the paper nailed to the board in the center of town. “No wonder this town was in need of a sheriff. This guy probably killed the last one.” 

“Aren’t you scared?” Patton asks, Logan’s new assigned deputy. They had met only a few hours ago, and decided to spend time together walking through town to help Logan get more familiar with the city and get to know his partner better before going into official business. 

“Scared of what?” 

“Getting killed?”

“Well, he hasn’t killed me yet, has he?” The picture on the poster amused him- how Remus looked exactly like a cliche criminal in the movies, mostly the moustache and cowboy hat that set him off like that. And his costume, like some sort of cowboy-clown. Logan takes the poster from the board and folds it, then slides it into his pocket to use for later. 

“You know what happened to the last sheriff, right?” Patton’s voice was soft, watching the reflections in Logan’s glasses. He remembered everything. How much the other sheriff fought the beating and ended up shaking on the ground. And Remus finally put a bullet in his chest. Maybe he would have had some mercy if he hadn’t fought back so much. The two had always pushed each other to their limit until then, and Patton was there for all of it. He witnessed his death, but Remus didn’t know until he was charged of murder and Patton testified against him. He broke out of jail, and everyone was too scared to try him again. 

“Of course,” Logan adjusted his glasses and let out a breath, starting to reimagine the story Patton had told him before. “And that’s why I need this job. I’m sorry for your old friend by the way, you guys were close.” 

_ _ _ _ _  

Logan snuck out again around 10:00 after Patton had gone to bed, just to explore town again on his own and go into the things he was most curious about and could be most helpful to his work. The only thing they had done the first time was walk as Patton rambled about what there was to do here and all the people he knows and stories that came from certain buildings he liked to spend time in. Now he was alone, using his hat to help him blend in with the crowd and using the shadows after sunset to his advantage for blending in. Maybe a few people recognized him, but it was unlikely considering he hasn’t even started his job yet and since more people were here it was harder to tell when someone new came along. Less people crowded the streets at night, so at least he didn’t have to worry about moving through people anymore.  

The only thing still open this late was a small tavern across from where Patton and Logan had found Remus’ poster. It looked fairly empty from what he could see, which wasn’t much of a surprise since most people drank during the day and started to go home once the sun began to set. From the window, he could see it was dim and uncrowded, with only one or two people at the counters and no one sitting at the tables or dancing. 

All eyes turned on him, all eyes being only two. The man behind the counter looked up immediately as if he already recognized the man who walked in. The other slowly turned once he saw his friend was staring at something and met eyes with Logan as soon as he did. Both men dressed a bit strange, one of them wearing a purple vest- purple being an extremely rare color for clothes where he was from- with smoke-colored bags under his eyes, and the other wore a leather jacket with a dark blue skirt that went down to his boots. The first one looked like he wanted to say something but couldn’t find the right words in the moment. Logan was the first one to speak up. 

“I’m sorry to interrupt. I’m new here, I’m just exploring to get more familiar with the town.” 

“You’re Logan?” The man in purple finally spoke, quickly changing the topic from whatever Logan was about to say. 

“...Why does that matter?” 

“Your name’s been going around like wildfire. We saw you walking with Patton out there a while ago. It’s not that hard to connect the dots.” The man gestured to the open seat next to him, inviting Logan to come sit with the two of them. “May I offer you a drink?” 

“I shouldn’t. I have a big day tomorrow.” 

“Then come sit with us and tell us what you’ve learned so far.” Logan didn’t move. “You’re gonna be sheriff, you gotta know your stuff. Do you know any of the top criminals here? You’ll be working against them.” Logan reached in his pocket for the flyer and tossed it at the counter in front of Virgil. 

“Remus Sanders. Worth $150,000 dead or alive. The average criminal is like 50 or 60 thousand.” 

“He killed a lot of people,” Remy said. “Important people too. That’s why you’re here.” Virgil never said anything, but kept staring at the picture and re-reading the words on the flyer. Virgil slams the flyer back down to the table. 

“How long do you really think you’re gonna last here? Be honest.” 

“If all goes well I plan on staying until retirement.” Virgil went quiet. “Listen you might not believe me right now but I’ve done this before and I can do it again. This guy isn’t any different than anyone else I’ve arrested. With me here now all of this is gonna stop. I’m not gonna let it keep going.” 

“Why should I believe you?” 

“It’s my job. Someone has to do it.” Virgil tried not to look at his smile. “Things are gonna change here.” 

_ _ _ _ _

The real first day Remus was the only thing set on Logan’s mind. Town’s most wanted. Most wanted. As his days in the new town grew he learned more and more about the highest criminal. No one was able to arrest him, and everyone who tried didn’t make it. Even if they could, Remus seemed like someone that could break out in a matter of days. Still, all the chaos he was bringing had to be ended somehow. He heard stories of his brother, the only one of his victims that didn’t end up buried in the ground. His mind wandered as the horse sped up, starting to make him lose balance. The grip on Crofter’s saddle grew tighter fighting against the wind as his mind returned to the dirt path in front of him and his horse. 

The image that was in his mind came to life as they pulled up closer to the scene they were heading towards. The two were called to handle one of Remus’ episodes with his brother. Past the train tracks, Remus had his brother tied to a thin tree with rope. No weapons were seen, yet the prince appeared like he had been mentally beaten. Defeated. Normally the crimes involving his twin were ignored since no one is killed in the crime, and most were too afraid to involve themselves in the Duke’s presence. 

Logan thought differently about letting him get away with it, whatever he was doing to him. Maybe he was scared knowing the Duke had magic unlike normal humans. No one knows where they came from, and only Roman had been able to witness it and survive. Yet he kept quiet. No one seemed to blame him for it either. Virgil had seen a glimpse of what he could do and bailed before anything could happen. He described darkness taking over everything in his vision, and controlled hallucinations in the corner of his eyes, then he escaped and hadn’t seen Remus in person since. They talked about his powers, and Logan got the whole story when he made himself heard to the boy behind the counter dressed in purple leather and dark eyeshadow surrounding his eyes. Makeup looking similar to Remus’ on the paper he stole off the town’s Most Wanted board. 

The two horses had slowed down to a halt on the other side of the tracks. From a distance, it didn’t look like much, in comparison to the other things Remus has done anyway. The scene was exactly how they had been told. The victim was tied to a tree, no longer trying to escape, and there weren’t any weapons being used, though from a distance you could see weapons hiding in the Duke’s pockets in his costume. This was the first time Logan had seen Remus in person. Real. Not just some story that had been told to him in the tavern by local drunkards. Real criminal, real crime. Though no magic had been seen where Remus and his brother had been standing. That was the hardest part for Logan to believe. 

Patton seemed a little more on edge than usual. He stared at the Duke, watching his smooth gestures toward the prince in fear of what he was saying to him unaware of the law’s presence behind them. Patton had dealt with the Duke’s chaos before, only he was the one to live. The past sheriff didn’t live, and that fact didn’t scare Logan as much as it should have. Not at the time anyway. 

Without saying a word, Logan swung off his horse and tied it to another thin tree close to Patton’s. Patton stayed still, silent, They addressed the plan beforehand when Patton protested coming up to Roman’s rescue, so Patton wouldn’t have to interact with the Duke unless he had to. The fear was real, even if it had to be part of the job. Logan walked past the train tracks, pulling a gun from his belt to use if he needed to. He held it beside him so Remus wouldn’t see it as a threat straight to him, but still see the weapon to know not to do anything stupid. 

“Excuse me, are you Remus?” The man ignored him, continuing his business with the man dressed in red. There was no mistaking him even from behind. His outfit, that made him look like a lime green clown more than anything. When no response came Logan repeated himself. “Mr. Sanders, we need to talk.” No response. After a moment Logan reached into his belt for his gun, then fired a warning shot that moved just pass his head, just enough to get him to turn around and acknowledge the sheriff behind him. 

“You’ve got a nerve.” Remus turns, reaching for throwing stars in his shirt pocket in case he needed to use them on his intruder. “...Sheriff? Oh, they must have hired a new one.” 

“Sorry to interrupt, but I’m afraid playtime is over. Time to let him go.” 

“Who told you to come up here?” 

“There was a report of a goblin harassing a young prince. I have reason to believe that’s you.” The Duke stopped, taking slow steps toward the sheriff. “This is only a warning. Let him go and we can all move on with our lives, if you protest I have right to arrest.” 

“Arrest me?” The Duke laughs. “You haven’t heard the stories, have you?” 

“I have. I believe you haven’t seemed to hear anything of me before.” The Duke waited for him to continue. “I don’t have fear. That’s what made me so good in my old town. Must be some sort of magic like yours.” 

“That explains it. To come here during brother’s playtime you must be crazy or have a death wish. You seem to be the first one, crazy.” Logan stuttered at the strange nickname he was given. Remus isn’t a normal criminal. Well, he found that on the first day exploring town with Patton. Most criminals he worked with before never used any cute nicknames. “You know about my magic?” The cheer in the Duke’s voice was strange, interested in whatever it was Logan was about to say. 

“I’ve heard stories…” A wave of darkness takes over the nature surrounding the three until the only thing Logan would see was the green and black figure standing in front of him. Remus. 

“Don’t believe in magic, do ya? Not before anyway.” Logan never moved. Remus reached in his pocket and pulled out a knife and made a cutting motion where the prince was once standing, pointing over to where Patton would be standing if it were for the cloud of darkness blocking his vision. 

Taglist: @winterrs-child @remusthedukeofdeodorant @thecatchat @stop-it-anxiety @znikitrash @awkwardandanxiousfander @nowletmeseeyourkezzhands @prox-xima @hela-daughter-of-loki @arcticfrostdoesthings @id-rather-go-live-in-a-trash-can @soupgromlin

#DO Y'ALL REMEMBER YALLSEHOOD #this is old but good #megan's writing #logiallity #analogical #old west au #tw abuse

[magicdepressive-blog]

Meet The Harveys

NWI native and Chicago resident Charlie Evans wants to introduce you to his one man band The Harveys, whose debut album, after over a year in the making, is nearing the completion stage. As Evans labors through the finishing touches of the LP and prepares it for public release, he sits down with me to talk about the project and tells us what we can expect from his esoteric alter-ego.

HW: You're getting ready to release your first LP; a collection of songs you're putting out under the name The Harveys. But essentially The Harveys is just you. What made you decide to release music as a fictional collective rather than under your own name?

CE: The Harveys isn't a real band right now, so the idea that it can be locked into only one thing doesn't appeal to me since I don't have to fight other people to have it be whatever it needs to be. I’ve never been comfortable with the idea of existing as a solo act. I feel like the idea of the Harveys started as a crutch of being afraid to do this on my own. For whatever reason, the idea of having a fictional band made it seem like a more viable project in my head, and more approachable as something to present out to the world.

HW: But you're not literally the only player on the record. Who else appears on the album, and in what capacity?

CE:  One song is an old one that was written as a group by Patrick Biancardi, Sam Evans, and myself....

HW: Right...that's Werewolf Teacher, isn't it? That's a great song and I remember you telling me that it has its origins in your time as a member of (now defunct Region band) Greenstone.

CE: Greenstone was a great time as a band, and helped form a lot of the stuff that I wrote and created on this album. When I began working on recording I wanted to get an old song down that we had never had the chance to properly record. It was a great point to learn how to use recording software and to test the viability of the fictional band project. A lot of the music I wrote afterwards feels similar in some ways to what we were working on with that project, but definitely is a different animal. Not writing in collaboration with other people or having to compromise things is both a blessing and a curse.

HW: Who are some of the other people who pitched in to help make this LP?

CE: Alex Akers contributed trumpet to I Sit Differently at the Piano. I met Alex while I was working for New Oberpfalz brewery, and we struck up conversation pretty naturally. I had completed about half of the the track, adding in the vocal snippet and guitar, but I felt that guitar all the way through would be frankly boring. I basically asked Alex if he wanted to add trumpet to a weird track that I had made and sent it over. About a week later he sent me his layered tracks and it was amazing! My primary instrument is the electric guitar, so it's always really awesome to work with other instrumentalists that can bring a completely different feel to a track. That song wouldn't work without Alex's contribution. Jake Egli plays the keyboards on The Somnambulist and helped me mix and master the record along with production work.

I'm definitely open to the idea of adding a more collaborative element to The Harveys. I would love to be able to flesh it out into a full band setting. I think a lot of these songs would translate pretty well to a live setting, and there's lots of song ideas in reserve. There's always ego involved in adding other people to a band, but I enjoy the collaborative aspect of writing music a lot. Sometimes it's okay to come in with an idea and see how it gets morphed into something completely new, original, and different that way.

HW: Having grown up as an aspiring musician in NWI and now living in Chicago, can you compare the two locales where musical heritage is concerned?

CE: I would say that both have a lot in common with each other, with Chicago getting the edge of diversity simply through pure numbers. Not unlike most other suburbs of Chicago, NWI filters a lot of its musical identity from Chicago, which I think is great. The Chicagoland area has an abundance of amazing music that doesn't always get the attention it deserves on the national stage.

HW: You recorded this LP at home on your computer. Were there any technical limitations that you encountered while making the record that, had you been in a studio, you might not have had to deal with?

CE: I think the biggest hurdle for doing all recording on my own is that my ear wasn't as trained, especially in the beginning, at what was good and what was bad. I improved rapidly, but especially early on I think that having a 2nd set of ears to hear everything is very helpful.

HW: Why did you decide to release a physical LP and how do you plan to market it? What streaming formats will you be utilizing?

CE: I love the idea and the ritual of vinyl...placing the vinyl on the turntable, setting it to the right speed, and letting the needle hit the record. There’s an art to creating a track list and an album that flows correctly from side to side. I think the best records still work with that duality; breaking it down into two shorter playlists and making sure those statements stand on their own and complement each other. That being said, I think the songs stand on their own, so I don’t mind pushing it to streaming as well where the majority of people (myself included) discover their music. I’m planning on releasing The Harveys on all major streaming services. The LP version of the album will be funded through a Kickstarter.

What I like about the idea of a vinyl release and giving yourself those limitations is that it really forces you to look at how songs flow as a cohesive unit. Balancing the amount of time you can put on a side along with making sure that each track is keeping the listener along for the ride is so important. Additionally, the 2 side nature of vinyl makes you look at it as a mini suite for each side. My process was mostly trying to balance all of these things to make the strongest single unit of an album. Sifting through all the songs I had written to put together what I feel is a cohesive album was a bit difficult at first, there’s definitely enough material left off to have an extra EP in the future or work towards another album. For me, I think the unifying threads that make this album stand as a whole are some of the themes touched on like growing up and the somewhat lonely existence that adulthood can be. There’s plenty of humor on the record, though, as well, which I feel is always needed. I don’t trust people who are too serious about everything. There's a lot of genre exploration that I wasn't able to make work cohesively on this record that could definitely fit in better on a slightly different project. I would love to create a great medley style suite, ala Abbey Road. I'd love to do something soaring, epic, and heartfelt like that.

HW: There are very few recording artists who so confidently pull off such a varied palette as what you've proven capable of on this LP; some that come to mind as exceptions are Ween and Captain Beefheart and Zappa and Guided By Voices. Were any of those artists a lighthouse for you while you were crafting these songs?

CE: All those bands and artists are huge influences, Ween in particular. Reading and getting into Ween was a huge part of what made me finally get off my butt and start making music again. The independent spirit that drove each of these artists to create despite not necessarily having the big push of a label was a huge inspiration. Learning about Ween using a drum machine and writing silly songs and just generally not caring what other people thought of them was a liberating idea, and also made my excuses for why I wasn’t doing anything seem like just that: excuses.

HW: Speaking of tracks that DIDN'T make the record, Feed Me, Human is one of your standout songs and I feel like it exists in a world of its own stylistically; some kind of avant garde heavy metal oddity...definitely something I haven't heard before. Is metal a big part of your musical tastes, and if so what can you tell me about this track? It sort of skirts a strange territory that's both playful and sinister.

CE: I love metal! Metal as a genre is so tongue in cheek, and I love that about it. I never trust any metal band that takes themselves 100% seriously. I remember reading a story that Adam Jones from Tool told about how when he met Buzz Osbourne from the Melvins he told him that Boris was his favorite song and was a foundation for a lot of how he built his songwriting and sound, and Buzz responded something along the lines of, "Thanks, it's about my cat." Metal is so great because it can occupy both territories of sinister and silly.

HW: Let's focus on what did make the album. Metropolitan Malaise is unabashed power pop exuberance; Hydration is Key is a blissed out, psychedelic signal from another galaxy. You cover Big Star's 1972 acoustic masterpiece 13, and then there's the aforementioned I Sit Differently at the Piano; four minutes of Badalementi-esque guitar and trumpet noodling atop which sits a bizarre sampling of an interview with a mental patient from the early 60s. The Funkalator struts and swaggers with ballsy, bell bottomed moxie, and Werewolf Teacher is textbook singer-songwriter gold. And that's just HALF the album. But maybe the standout track here is The Somnambulist, a disarming number that begins with a tribal, measured acoustic bounce before exploding into a veritable roman candle of life-affirming guitar-fueled adrenaline.

CE: I'm particularly proud of The Somnambulist. It has the most overdubs of any track, and took me the longest to assemble out of any of them. I'm particularly proud of my vocal performance, which incubated in my head for a pretty long time, and took even longer to build up the ability to properly sing. It's the classic rock track I always wanted to write.

HW: What's your writing process like? What do you find is the most challenging part of the formula?

CE: Wake up, make some coffee pick up my guitar and start playing something...pulling up Garageband and a virtual drummer and see if I can get anything useful out of it. Record it, and see if there’s enough there to develop. Sometimes there's something good there for a full song, sometimes there isn't. I built a lot of songs on the fly, and would do multiple takes of things to see what worked or didn’t work. Having a good feedback network of people to send songs to certainly helped as well to guide the directions that were working and not working in the music. I think the most challenging thing for me with this project was not really working with other musicians to create. If I wanted to finish the song, it was on me!  

HW: I really appreciate you taking the time to offer a little insight into what we can expect from The Harveys. I really think you've assembled a great collection of songs and I'm really looking forward to the vinyl.

CE: I think the biggest thing I’m hoping to offer is a bit of a blast of nostalgia that isn’t hopefully too derivative. Power pop and dad rock have reached the level of being uncool, but I still love making it. I’m hoping that I can bring some uncool music to people and hopefully get them to dig into the same things I love too.  I was talking with Jake while we were mixing and mastering and we both said waiting for lightning to strike will involve you mostly waiting. It’ll happen, and does happen, but you have to work at it no matter what.

-End-

The debut LP from The Harveys will be available soon pending a Kickstarter. Please stay tuned to Charlie's Facebook page for more info and show your support for this gifted musician. You can stream the unmixed demo of Metropolitan Malaise on Bandcamp here:

https://theharveysarentreal.bandcamp.com/track/metropolitan-malaise

Album art by Grace Calderone, 2019. Bar photos by Harvey Woodlawn, 2018.

[marshmallowgoop]

Satsuki meta anon here again, apologies, but I was reading some meta that you wrote surrounding Soichiro/Isshin and his relatively necessity to abandon both his daughters, and wanted to contribute my own thoughts on the matter, specifically around the matter of difference of the nature of how alone both of them are. You nailed it completely with Ryuko. Isshin left Ryuko alone, wounded by his severance of their closeness in her early years and making it nearly impossible to bond with others. But-

-my reading of Satsuki’s situation is one of equal isolation, if of a different kind. Soichiro introduced her to a world where she can’t even trust her own mother, usually one of the, if not the most, strongest bonds a child could have at that age. Coupled with the fact that she was likely taught early on that being a child of a family with the wealth and power meant that people would try and use her for a piece of that, and you have a recipe for a grieving child incapable of trust without major investments of time and effort and frankly, some testing. 

Soroi is in the employ of the family, paid by the family to serve Satsuki. In the beginning, while she accepted his attempts to comfort her via tea and an introduction of one of her closest friends, its very likely that she didn’t trust him right away even if she desperately wanted to bc of how closely money could play a part in that kind of trust. Yes Soichiro asked Soroi to look after her, but is that something he could have easily conveyed to her at that junction and have her believe it? I think the trust they attained by the time Satsuki went to middle school was very hard earned on Soroi’s part. 

When it comes to Nonon, the light novel confirms that she didn’t find Satsuki interesting until she was very deeply troubled, a change that Satsuki very likely noticed the difference in her interest beyond that of two children of powerful families associating together. They may have been friends since preschool, but arguably Satsuki did not trust her until Nonon followed her away from a school that suited Nonon’s tastes and into a rougher one. Iori likely suffered from being placed in a similar boat as Soroi, not to be trusted for the sake of his uncle’s employment until proof otherwise (obviously earned as well, considering just how central Iori was to her plans and inner circle). 

While Ryuko was utterly alone because of a broken ability to bond from separation anxiety turned to abandonment issues, Satsuki found herself alone among others who might very well sell her out for power or money, regardless of their true intentions. Both are very isolating situations. And I’d argue that trusting people with plans and secrets and perhaps your life are markedly different than fully entrusting your heart to them, which has been played up by the anime as a large difference between Ryuko and Satsuki. Where Ryuko opens her heart to Mako and Senketsu, Satsuki’s heart remains closed still until far later.

In fact, because of this, Ragyo saying ‘give your heart over to me’ (Netflix subs, I think I’ve seen it translated as ‘entrust your heart to me’ as well) has always stood out to me as understanding Satsuki doesn’t trust like that, which is what separates her from Nui and Rei. 

Apologies for the length of this, and that I keep doing this your inbox, but this interpretation has been sitting inside of me since 2014. 

Oh my goodness, Anon!

I hope this doesn’t come off wrong, but I think you really ought to be posting these analyses under your own name. You deserve credit for your excellent work! As much as I’m thrilled that someone would want to discuss these topics at such length with me—seriously, you do not have to apologize at all for engaging with my content so much because that is literally my goal—I feel that you should also be getting recognition for what you do. I know how much time and effort goes into writing stuff like this.

Of course, I do understand that there are valid reasons to wish to be anonymous. I just want to say that these are good, detailed posts that could stand very well on their own, without any input from me.

Regarding my input here, these asks remind me of a line from “KILL la KILL Digest -Naked Memories by Aikuro Mikisugi-,” a quick recap “episode” that was included as a DVD/Blu-ray extra. Narrated by Aikuro, the short briefly explains the entire plot of Kill la Kill and then sets up the OVA with its final lines: “As for Satsuki Kiryuin, who led such an intense life ever since she could remember, totally alone… What kind of clothes will she choose to wear from now on? That’s the one thing that intrigues me.”

As you might expect, I always disagreed with the sentiment of Satsuki being “totally alone.” In the tags of one post, I even wrote, in response, “Nah man you’re thinking of Ryuko” and, “Satsuki had Soroi and Shiro and her Elite Four.” As I argued in the essay that you’re probably referring to, Isshin/Soichiro left Ryuko alone—and drj2008 even opened me up to the idea that he perhaps very purposely created and utilized Ryuko’s loneliness so that she would be so desperate for love that she’d bond more easily with Senketsu—but Isshin/Soichiro did at least assure that Satsuki would always have someone by her side when he told Soroi to look after her.

And I think that’s the key point of difference here. I’d never before considered that Soroi would need to gain Satsuki’s trust because I assumed he had it from the very start. My interpretation was that Soroi had to be a dear, close friend of Soichiro for Soichiro to ever ask him to look after Satsuki, and Satsuki—who adored her father, arguably to a troubling degree—wouldn’t question her father’s judgment. From the moment Soroi and Satsuki met, I believed that she would know, just by understanding Soroi’s relation to her father, that Soroi was someone to be trusted.

But I see now that my reading makes a lot of assumptions. Who knows when exactly Soroi told Satsuki that Soichiro had asked him to look after her? Satsuki might have been informed that Soroi was her father’s choice in some way (which is… actually quite curious, honestly), and Soroi might have told her that he knew everything early on, but you’re right—we don’t really know. I think your reading is very fair.

Concerning Nonon, I agree completely. I found Nonon’s part in the light novel to be absolutely tragic. Talking about the story, I once said, “It just shows how Satsuki did not trust Nonon at all.” Nonon was head-over-heels infatuated with Satsuki, but Satsuki didn’t even bother to tell Nonon when she was moving schools. That’s the exact opposite of trust.

I swear I don’t normally talk about my fanfiction in my essays as much as I have been in these responses, but I explored Satsuki and Nonon’s dynamic in a short Satsunon Roman Empire AU. In my piece, Nonon learns that Satsuki is going away by hearing some chatter, and to prove to Satsuki that she’s worth trusting, she runs to Satsuki before Satsuki leaves, declaring that she’s coming with no matter what. At the end of the fic—and this is the relevant part here—Satsuki meets with Nonon again after the world has been saved, and Satsuki finally opens her heart up, noting that she wants Nonon by her side, as a friend and equal, and she’s done with being treated as a goddess to be worshipped.

And I think that’s a big thing you’re touching on here, Anon. Satsuki may have had all these people around her, but many of them considered her to be something more than human. And that is lonely. It’s difficult to reveal your insecurities and doubts and fears to someone who sees you as a god. After all, they’re probably not going to listen; they think you’re “above” all that. Satsuki was very much isolated, just like Ryuko.

However, I still disagree with Aikuro’s assertion that Satsuki was “totally alone,” mainly due to Soroi. Regardless of how long Satsuki took to open up to Soroi, I think she most certainly had trusted him with her heart at least by the events of the series. The moment where the two converse about Soroi’s tea in episode 17 is probably the most telling example within the show itself; Satsuki smiles genuinely for Soroi and even reveals her hidden emotions, readily admitting that she may have been more compassionate in the past.

I can’t definitively say how much Satsuki let Shiro or the Elite Four in, but Soroi? There is complete and total trust here. And while I dislike comparing Soroi to Senketsu because I feel this too easily lends itself to the interpretation that Senketsu is a father figure to Ryuko (which is my absolute least favorite reading of Kill la Kill and one that I consider to be a complete and total misreading of the text #PleaseStopSenketsuIsRyuko’sDadTheories2k19), I do have to admit that Soroi is, for the majority of the anime, the one person whom Satsuki seems to truly be herself with, just as Senketsu is for Ryuko. 

Concerning the episode 17 scene mentioned above, I think it’s also pretty telling that Satsuki’s moment with Soroi occurs just after an intimate conversation between Ryuko and Senketsu that the script even emphasizes as a heart-to-heart that Ryuko deliberately wanted to have with Senketsu and Senketsu alone. Sure, I’ve argued in the past that the real connection between the scenes comes from Ryuko’s later chat with Aikuro and the fact that both Aikuro and Satsuki are discussing Soichiro/Isshin, but it’s also true that both Ryuko and Satsuki have very vulnerable, humanizing moments here. Soroi knows Satsuki’s heart, and she reveals it to him, just as Ryuko (quite literally!) shares her heart with Senketsu.

Of course, I think it’s clear that Ryuko’s relationship with Senketsu is one among peers while Soroi takes on a fatherly role for Satsuki in the place of Soichiro, but Soroi is still someone whom Satsuki trusts with her whole heart and soul. As pointed out, it may very well be true that Satsuki didn’t have that kind of trust in Soroi immediately, but I figure it can’t have taken too terribly long for the relationship between them to become close. After all, as noted in the aforementioned episode 17 scene, even young Satsuki smiled for Soroi when she had stopped smiling at school. Satsuki wasn’t being genuine, yes, but she was still breaking her hard guise for Soroi, and 18-year-old Satsuki is even surprised that she wasn’t honest back then, implying that she feels they’ve been as close as they are since practically the beginning.

I know this got terribly long, but I don’t at all disagree that Satsuki had also been subjected to an isolating situation. It is lonesome to feel, as outlined in an early advertisement introducing Satsuki’s character, that “humans are clothes-wearing pigs” whom she must “dominate,” “rule over,” and “destroy,” all while “relying on no one.” It is awful to believe that you have to do everything all alone, without sharing your true self with anyone.

And it’s sad, too! Satsuki’s struggles to truly trust others lead her to inadvertently hurt the people she cares about, and there’s something especially tragic about how Satsuki used and manipulated her own sister—whom Satsuki was fighting for all along!—rather than tell the girl the truth and trust her. As I’ve written in the past, “While Satsuki is not truly against Ryuko, her plan prevents them from being close. The thought of Satsuki fills Ryuko with hatred… when they could have been allies and friends. Satsuki’s tired, sad frown as Ryuko returns to normal [after going berserk in episode 12], juxtaposed with the Mankanshoku family’s shock and Nui’s bemusement, does well in hinting that maybe Satsuki wishes she had Mako’s power herself… and she’s sorry that she doesn’t.”

But more than all this, even Ryuko points out how alone Satsuki is after fighting Satsuki to a draw in episode 15. Ryuko only gets as far as she does by putting her complete and utter faith in Senketsu—and notably here, she follows through with his strategy even without knowing exactly what he intends to do—and she recognizes that Satsuki… doesn’t bond like that.

In pushing a point like this, I think the show definitely wants viewers to notice that Satsuki is stuck in a hard, isolating situation where she feels she can’t entrust her heart to anyone.

But I think the show also wants viewers to notice that Satsuki is more than capable of loving and trusting in the same way that Ryuko does. Ryuko doesn’t have a clue about someone like Soroi when she accuses Satsuki of being by herself, and as I’ve emphasized all throughout this monster of a post, I wholeheartedly believe that at least Soroi had fully earned Satsuki’s trust, even if it took a moment. Satsuki just about always had someone she felt safe with, whereas Ryuko… lost all that when her father abandoned her and didn’t find it again until she met the Mankanshokus and Senketsu. There’s a reason that one of Ryuko’s defining features is her loneliness, pointed out in her character introduction with the line, “Ever since I could remember, I was alone,” in her (and Senketsu’s) theme song “Before my body is dry” with lines like, “But I’m all alone,” and, “Don’t wanna be all alone,” in her fantasy world in episodes 20-21, and even by the cast, such as when the Mankanshokus note that Ryuko has to be super lonely to talk to her clothes or when even Ragyo tells Satsuki to go join her “lonely little sister” in death.

Ryuko gets a lot of heat for not being as strong as Satsuki upon learning her true origins, but I argue that you can’t really blame her. Even if Satsuki closed off her heart to most people, she undoubtedly grew up with a support system that Ryuko did not have until practically adulthood. Satsuki manages to keep her head up and carry on not only because of her immeasurable resolve and ambition, but also because she has a lifetime of love and support. Satsuki is not as alone as Ryuko claims (and I’d really like the Satsuki-centric Kill la Kill the Game: IF to elaborate on Ryuko understanding as much), and I feel that Soroi is genuinely an unsung hero of Kill la Kill. Could Satsuki have been nearly as strong without his influence?

I guess this is maybe a bit off topic, though.

In any case, I definitely agree that Satsuki struggled to open her heart to others, and I definitely agree that this is a hard, sad, awful place to be in. Part of what makes Satsuki’s team-up with Senketsu near the end of the series so sweet to me is that it is here that Satsuki really begins to open up. She doesn’t look down on Senketsu, she acknowledges his feelings, and in a cut moment from the script, she even outright tells him to wear her, thereby fully and completely trusting him to work with her and save Ryuko. Senketsu noting that his and Satsuki’s “hearts are as one” in episode 21 is one of the most heartwarming things in the entire anime when you consider everything that Satsuki has gone through. She’s been afraid to trust and afraid to show her true self to anyone, and yet… to save her sister, she opens up her heart to someone she had once considered evil and incapable of love.

And after this? Satsuki, despite saying in her introduction that she will be “bowing down to no one,” bows down to Ryuko.

And she smiles openly.

She laughs.

Satsuki was absolutely stuck in this lonesome, isolating position. But just like Ryuko, she gets out of it—and just like Ryuko, it’s so incredibly, incredibly sweet that she does.

#kill la kill #satsuki kiryuin #mitsuzo soroi #ryuko matoi #isshin matoi #soichiro kiryuin #senketsu #Anonymous #replies #ramblings #klk meta #gifs i made #whoops sorry this got way more out of hand than i expected ^^; #also dang i never realized how many 's'-names are in this show