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the-cat-and-the-birdie · 9 months

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A Very Long, Personal [but positive] Ramble about Neurodivgerency and Character Hyperfixation

[u can ignore this if you want this is just an ADHD ramble - this is a kinda 'mask off' talk about ADHD, autism and my personal history with it all. I also talk about the upsides and downsides - and the importance of Hobie to me personally - I just wanna normalize this stuff lol]

a.k.a The story of how I sent from obsessing over him to HIM in 10 years (what a glowup on my part ik)

(I know a lot of peeps on here can feel self-conscious about being neurodivergent and character connection or whatever you wanna call it and so do I! So I wanted to write it out or just ramble for my own sake)

I don't know if it's obvious or not, but I LOVE HOBIE BROWN. I'm going to be completely candid - I think about him maybe 85 percent of the day if not more, and that's in no way an exaggeration.

No matter what I'm doing, there's a least one tab open in my brain thinking about him. It may not be the focus, but it's there.

That's just how I operate. And I've been this way for a LONG time. In fact, Hobie isn't my first 'total focus' character in Marvel.

I gain VERY deep hyperfixations on Marvel Characters, many lasting years. And there's nothing wrong with that - in fact it's rad!

!!!! ATTENTION: This is a whimsical care-free zone. For Happy Funny Folk !!!!!!!!!

Loki - My introduction to hyperfixation with characters

I don't know if this is surprising or you'd be like 'yeah u seem like the type' but I use to LOVE Loki. For YEARS.

I'm AuDHD and when I was 13/14, a freshman in HS, he was my hyperfixation. Eerything I do for Hobie, I did for Loki. I even had a Loki blog for like 3/4 years.

This was back in 2012-2013, when Avengers had just came out, and the MCU wasn't - well, the MCU yet.

But even back then, the Loki fandom was HUGE. I have no idea who was also on Tumblr back then but it was gigantic. Because movies weren't coming out every 3 months, it went on for yearrrrsssss. Art, edits, fics, everything.

I was soooo into, I loved Loki. Like Hobie, I probably thought about Loki maybe 85-90% of the day.

And sure I was doing a lot of other stuff but in the back of my head there was always the oc x canon storyline running in my head, or replaying scenes from memory and analyzing, or wondering and speculating about his character.

I mask very minimally or not at all - so everyone in my school knew me for it. And at the time I didn't know I was neurodivergent, but that didn't stop me - I was genuinely proud of it.

I wore Loki shirts to school and brought the Avengers DVD the day it dropped (this was back before streaming in ye' old 2013). I knew the Avengers movie back to front.

I saw Thor: The Dark World the day it released and SOBBED openly in the theater when he 'died'. (I remember my mom leaning over and whispering 'Do you wanna leave?' cause I seemed that upset lol)

And everyday I use to wear a necklace like this -

(credit IJSY on Etsy)

But in black, until one day I had it in my pocket and I sat on it in class and broke it in two. And people around me deadass were like 'daammnn I know that shit hurt in ur soul' cause I LOVED Loki and people knew it. And I didn't care if they did.

And I was like that for years. Overtime the Loki fandom fizzled out, especially around Phase 2 when things like GOTG first came out.

But I had a Loki fixation like maybe up until the show came out. And even then I've seen the whole thing (I ain't even like it that much 4.5/10) and I'm gonna watch the second one (I'm a fool)

But any way like to this day I still remember the first time I saw Loki and how it made me feel and I can like picture it in my head and I consider it a pretty influencial albeit mundane moment in my life.

And it was a very specific feeling but it was like as soon as I saw Loki's first scene in Avengers, I was plugged into the screen.

Other Hyperfixations - Charles Xavier, Peter Parker

All of my hyperfixations are on men in marvel and they have always been. There's been others I've cycled through, usually based on the newest movie. I even went through a LENGTHY and very in depth K-pop era (don't get me started).

Charles Xavier was a favorite of mine (from X-Men First Class), and I LOVE MCU Peter Parker. I still do. But none hit like Loki did.

There was never THAT feeling, like the fantastical electric feeling.

And I had never felt that feeling again UNTIL I SAW HOBIE (i wanna cry)

My fixation with HOBIE BROWN HOBIE BROWN HOBIE BROWN (sorry I can't say his name only one time im too excited)

In the theatre my jaw genuinely dropped like I'm pretty sure I said 'OH NAH' to myself when i first saw him

Cause he was the prettiest character I've ever seen and I mean that

I didn't recognize what that feeling was until just now like YES, it's the same feeling. And I can't even describe it.

It's like every other character is normal but as soon as you lay eyes on this character for the first time it's like suddenly they're under your skin and curled up in your heart and you can FEEL them and the weight of them PHYSICALLY like not body wise but like astral personhood wise (do I sound unhinged)

And Hobie was just so pretty.

First of all - I didn't know he was black fgsbtgtuiuigs id never heard of spiderpunk

The wicks were what caught me off guard first. I know what wicks are, I've seen them before. But never animated.

And although Miles and Gwen and Pavi all look realistic - Hobie looked real to me. The high cheekbones and broad lips, the raised brow ridge and wide set eyes - he looked different from them, not just in art style but like - I DONT KNOW.

But that's how it is, you know what I mean. There was just something in my brain that was like 'he has meaning to me'. Like 'Idk who this man is, but whatever story he's writing, I'm reading it'.

That's what hyperfixation feels like.

And Hobie in specific held and holds so much more weight for me IN ADDITION.

I started falling out of my Loki phase around Thor: Ragnorok in 2017 - which is to say I was varying degrees of 'obsessed' with Loki for about 5 years.

Around that time, maybe starting in 2015, police brutality in NYC picked up. Me and my friends started getting more radicalized, going to protests, and identifying as communists, anarchists, or both.

One of my favorite things at the time was The Black Panther Party handbook I'd found at a second hand-book store. And for a while the Black Panther Party was a special interest of mine.

It made me really interested in the 70's, the civil rights movement, and the rise of punk that happened at the same time. Around this time, I made my first 'battle jacket' with a patch that said "Black Lives Matter, Bitch." and begged my parents for a pair of doc martens.

I didn't have Hobie back then, but I have him now. And he still resonates.

There was very much a time where I was that homeless, punk teen, angry at police, who wanted to be taken in by my favorite heros.

My admiration for Hobie comes from like - everything he is. Everything he stands for and represents. I don't need Hobie like I would've as a teen. But I know deep down the healing he could bring other people as a comfort character.

Or even in terms of a good political example, or great rep for alt black people. All of it.

That can't really be said for Loki. Or Charles Xavier (even if X-men is a race allegory), or even Peter Parker.

I grew up in NYC all my life, and I LOVE Spider-man, but I never felt Connected to Peter Parker as if we lived in the same city. I never felt something in common with Peter even if he was broke too.

Hobie's just different, y'know.

The Downsides

It's easy to feel really embarrassed by all this - and even now I'm feeling shy even describing how it feels.

Cringe culture gets in your head before you know it. I'm CONSTANTLY telling myself 'no, Hobie would understand that you're neurodivergent and this is you expressing yourself he wouldn't think youre cringe youre not cringe okay' As if my comfort character Hobie Brown thinking I'm cringe is like jksjfkjf the worst thing ever - i can't, i can't with myself.

I genuinely want to hug Hobie more than I want to huge most celebrities or influential real-life people.

I genuinely think hugging him would be more healing to my being than hugging the Pope or the Dhali Lama or something. I admire him and care about him but he's NOT REAL. It's PARASOCIAL And like duh, I know that - i'm grown as fuck.

Sometimes it can genuinely get you down that you care about this character-person and you can't be with them

It's like you miss them. But they're not real and you don't know them. And I know that sounds tragic or bizarre. But it's kinda just weird. It feels weird not in a sad way, but in a 'why brain?? why is this possible in my brain?? huh???' way.

Like...I know it's parasocial, but like it's not like a fan and a youtuber. He's not real, I'm not giving him money or hurting anyone. I know there's nothing to be ashamed of, but it's just WEIRD.

Like... I know my cat isn't a person and mentally I don't see them as a person and can't like analyze them like a full formed person even if I wanted to. But with Hobie - someone who is not a person - my brain can???? Like I've never met him but like... I can imagine a full conversation with him beginning to end in his place of residence I've also never seen before??????? SO WEIRD.

Also theres that thing of him running in the back of my head 85% of the time.

Even if I'm talking or cooking or something, I'm still daydreaming about him - I have ADHD. And during those times if i'm interrupted and someone give me a THIRD thing to do (besides thing 1 and thinking about Hobie) I get irritated. Because now I have less brain room for Hobie stuff.

The Upsides

Now reading all of this you might be like 'sib this sounds like nothing but a problem r u okay' but I PROMISE ITS REAL FUN SOMETIMES

And it's nothing to feel ashamed of!

Now the last part was just a list of downsides, but the upsides are more things I can do because of my hyperfixation on Hobie that makes me happy

Like I said, I daydream a LOT. Like a LOT.

Mainly with OCs You can probably tell how much I like OCs, and how much OCs - even others', mean to me. And usually, my OCs are the ones who I see the in-media universe through. I don't have to think about making an OC much, for me personally they come fully formed. Because of this, while I'm watching movies I begin to have involuntary daydreams of where I can add in an OC, or what they'd be doing. I typically only do this for Marvel though. Hardly DC or any other media other than maybe Batman. For Loki, it was a character named Asdisira Heimdaldottir who I shipped with him. And for Hobie it's Diane Pastors (Disco-Spider).

And although I am in completely control of what these daydreams are, they are vividly realistic, and can come on at different times.

For me, it's while listening to music mostly. But anything can trigger it - from a good text post, to hearing a phrase. And these daydreams are extremely vivid. Most times, you can visibly see when I'm doing it. My eyes will glaze over or start moving as if I'm trying to remember something. Sometimes I may say 'random' phrases. I say lines from the scene I'm in outloud. (Like saying 'How could you!' in an offended tone to myself, if that's what the character in the daydream is saying). I also make facial expressions. I can do it on purpose, like hitting play on a movie and resuming where I left off. Usually, when I do this, I close my eyes. I much prefer to sit and do it without multitasking, but I often do it while doing something else.

These daydreams connect, and arcs/storylines can go on for months/years.

Usually these stories go on for months in IRL time, and span the whole history of the character. For Loki, I probably has Asdisira for 4 years at most. Which is still a LONG time. These arcs can take different pathways, and I may imagine a scene multiple times - in different ways, but usuall the timeline of the oc x canon stays overall the same. Sadly, I almost never write these down. I would pull my hair out and theres not enough time in the world for me to write Diane and Hobie's full narrative down in detail that does it justice. I wanna make a bullet list of their narrative but i dont wanna clog dashes

I can genuinely use them as a comfort character.

I don't need this much now, and nowhere as much as I needed it in high school, but having the ability to daydream vividly at will about a character you feel safe and happy with - it's dope. Sometimes it really helps. There were a lot of times I imagined Loki comforting me or showing me kindness or helping me calm down. And sometimes you can do it just for fun. Like, as a treat. Whenever. I'm imagining Diane and Hobie at a fish n' chip shop right now. It's drizzling outside and it smells like oil and Hobie douses his chips in wayyy to much vinegar. It's like I'm there. Like...I just do that. thats rad as hell. (and I don't know how to describe it if you can't do it but hopefully others know how it is but it's VIVID, like wayyyy more than any dream.)

Literally a walking fact book about them.

I'm smug AS FUCK. I use to love when dudes in high school challenged me about the MCU cause I wore a shirt. Like, oh buddy. Oh pal. Just you fucking wait. I know this character better than you know your own mother - try me hoe. I love reading characters like a book and rewatching scenes, breaking down motives, watching their movements, looking for patterns and drawing connections to real world history, cultures, or psychology. I LOVE watching behavior and personality in the movies, and making conclusions about where they'd come from, reasonably, for the character, and how it affects them outside the scope of the film.

And most of all - It's Free Joy we're almost at the end I promise

This is long as all hell and unlike my other posts there really isn't a neat little character study but uhhh I wanna end with this I guess -

The best part of it, is it's free joy. Literally.

My brain can do something a lot of others can't. I can feel a kind a comfort and understanding with a character, I can entertain myself and come up with amazing stories that have mean to me.

I can make wonderful worlds and all that without lifting a finger, and hangout with my favorite characters just by going

(literally how i be sitting there - professor x headass)

I hoping the fucking multiverse with my mind.

But there's nothing cringe about that. And there's nothing cringe about drawing Hobie for hours on end, by himself or with an oc. There's nothing cringe about thinking about them a lot, or wanting to buy or make a lot of merch.

We aren't hurting anyone. It's not like a celebrity or a youtuber. Nothing we're doing is taboo or anything we're literally just being happy. And squealing about a character we deeply love

Like..Golly if more mfers in this world were squealing like us once a week maybe they'd be happier, you know what I mean. People be walking around mad as hell at the world...like why don't you look at this picture of Hobie and calm down? That's what makes me calm down.

__________________________________________________

Anyway uh this is LONG and not connected much to ATSV but if you read down this low THANK YOU so deeply it means a lot. If you relate to this at all I'd love to hear.

And if you think I'm unhinged. Absolutely. But that has nothing to do with this and ain't nothing wrong about it, in the words of megan the stallion... 'ah'.

I leave you with this pic of Hobie goodbye :)

im using my magic autism powers to hold his hand :) now im giving him a hug im having fun

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mohs-aphmau-hcs · 6 months

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Ooooooo. Do you have any agere headcanons for Garroth, Laurence, Travis and Dante? I’m obsessed with your agere stuff :)

thank you anon!! ik I'm answering these, super late but still sbhdf

I love the idea of boy house sleepovers/playdates when they're regressed!! complete with blanket forts, video games, pizza, someone probably brought battery acid [the drink], everything you'd expect at a boy's sleepover

long analysis after read more, this ask got my brain turning sjdnf, might revise some other HC lists sometime too, and add more detail like in this one to make it fair ! [I definitely don't have a favorite group of characters and its definitely not the most basic favorite group of characters ever in this fandom pssh ]

I also want to clarify since I don't think I have before, while I post a lot about agere and everything is absolutely 100% SFW always, that does not always mean my HCs are safe to read when regressed!! I am someone who's experienced this for a long time and consider myself very well read/educated on this topic, so I talk about all parts of regression. including the messy/scary parts like trauma caused regression, involuntary and stress induced regression, innerchild care and healing, regression brought on by mental health disorders, everything. AgeRegression is a complex topic and mental state, a lot about it is fun, enjoyable, gives people a sense of community, and a safe space to heal. But its not always sunshine and rainbows especially for trauma survivors and I like giving representation to that side of it in my writing

Obviously regressors are 100% welcome on my blog! but when going through agere HCs pleasepleaseplease just keep in mind there might be some more heavy topics discussed if you are not able to handle those at that time !

I feel like Garroth would regress a few times a month on purpose to destress with loved ones. But I also feel like he would experience some forms of involuntary regression at certain points of his life, like the rest of the Ro'meaves, this is a trauma response

Garroth would probably regress from 3 - 10, lots of smiles, constantly needs to be hugging something or someone. He most likely has some type of security blanket or stuffie he carries around

Similar to Zane he might have some hang-ups at first with insecurities surrounding his coping mechanism, because of beliefs their father instilled in them. But he definitely learns to accept his childlike states a lot sooner than Zane despite Zane experiencing them more often

The person he'd trust most as a CG would most likely be Laurance, but he's also a very trusting and loving little guy so I think hed honestly go to anyone who knows about his regression and is willing/able to be with him and help in those moments

["...Dante?"

"Yeah bro- oh hey, Aww.. heyhey cmere, you alright little grizzly bear?"

"Mhm- jus..Wanted a hug"

"Aw, alright I got you bud. You want to go play legos until Laur and Travis get home?"

"Mhm!"]

Laurance would be a lot more reluctant to regress around people despite desperately needing care and guidance

He's a character whos used to taking care of others and being kind of like the ring leader, he often falls into a caregiver role, but feels wrong letting others care for him.

Obviously, if Laurance voices that he genuinely doesn't want to be regressed and needs help coming out of it, Garroth will respect this. But sometimes Laurance recognizes that he just needs a little nudge to help him not worry so much ab others and let himself relax and Garroth knows this too

He regresses between the ages of 4 - 13 normally and drops down younger when very stressed.

If he does let someone know he's regressing, it will most likely be Garroth. In my HCs the boys are poly and obviously, everyone is equally loved and trusted, But Laurance and Garroth have a specific bond, mainly through being together through many hard moments, that make them more likely to go to the other when they need emotional support in a more intense or constant way.

Sometimes stress becomes too much even for him and he struggles to hide his regressed states, usually, this is when Garroth picks up on this and goes full papa bear mode. Making sure not to overwhelm him, and help him ease into being more comfortable since being vulnerable or letting other people take care of him can be an anxiety trigger, even though he does need it sometimes

When he does let himself regress, he usually just wants to cuddle

Quiet nights spent on the couch or in bed, listening to music while being held or rocked to sleep, or watching tv with some popcorn and a blanket

Him and Garroth also have. So many petnames and nicknames for each other both regression-wise and just in general

Me and Squid both HC Laurance to be a meifwa, when he's small he loves having his ears scratched and pet! kind of like playing with somebodies hair

He normally becomes pretty quiet when regressed, even if he's older

Usually just communicating with points and gestures, or small noises

TLDR: Laur needs to regress more to handle stress, he doesn't let himself, Garroth makes sure he still has that time for himself to relax and get cuddles

Travis would probably be a near life-long regressor due to a mix of mental health and neurodiversity, and trauma from a young age.

I could imagine them regressing younger or older, but honestly usually 3 - 4

They'd make huge pillow forts and blanket nests all the time, partly for comfort, and partly because when small its harder for them to mask demon instincts!! So they like having a small cavelike place to hide

Sometimes their regression can be flashback or fear caused, they've be through a lot and most of what they've been though happened as a kid. So sometimes a flashback can put them back in the mindset

When this happens they really only have a very small group of people their able to turn to and feel safe with, one obviously being Dante

Dante is also who they go to the most when they need a caregiver

Unless their regressed a bit older and more energetic, space for them is very very quiet and relaxing. Usually ending up in big blanket piles watching cartoons with some snacks

When their regressed, it's also a lot harder for them to hide in their human form which is another reason they normally go to Dante (I hc that Dante was the only person to know Travis is a demon in seasons 1 - 5 besides them and Terry)

Dante would definitely regress to around 8 - 10, big kiddo ages and energy to match!

If he doesn't get to a park within the first 5 minutes he is bolting to the backyard to run around and play with whatever he can find

He loves swings and seesaws, definitely stims on swings !

Sometimes he does go a bit younger, around 3 or 4

When this happens he's usually just as excited, but probably not running around as much. He's more likly to be playing some toddler apps on his phone or kicking his feet and watching animewith some juice(specfically bug juice if you know what that is, loved that shit growing up)

He's honestly comfortable being with anyone as his caregiver, obviously happens with Travis a tiny bit more because I see them as inseparable. But he's just as happy cuddling up with laurance or garroth, or even Aphmau and Aaron, and in later seasons especially Zane

He's just a little guy that's happy to be here

I feel like his head would tilt a bit when confused

In my aus and headcanons where Gene redeems himself, as adults when they regress together they still keep that playful sibling dynamic! And a lot of times gene will step up as a platonic caregiver since he knows all of Dantes old favorite cartoons and games from childhood

It took me, so long to finish this post but I'm really happy with it and I hope you all still keep enjoying my agere content!

#mystreet #mystreet aphmau #aphmau #mystreet headcanons #age regression #sfw agere #danvis #poly mystreet boys #garrance #travis valkrum #dante shalashaska #laurance zvhal #garroth ro'meave #mystreet travis #mystreet dante #mystreet garroth #mystreet laurance

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whelmed-birdie · 5 months

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Comic List + Thoughts

so basically i'm just gonna compile a list of all the comics i've read and write a little commentary about them - this is mostly for my own benefit because my memory is pitiful so i need physical evidence of what i've read.

Nightwing Vol. 1: Leaping into the Light (2021)

I enjoyed this! I think it was a good beginner point for the most part because i came here with an interest mostly in Nightwing. I liked the art, and while i was a bit confused bc i knew next to nothing about this universe, so therefore did not understand any of the references they made. i still enjoyed it, the writers keep new readers in mind, and don't necessarily regret reading it first.

Robin/Batgirl: Year One (2002)

this one was good too. I got a bit bored at times but it was a good introduction to batgirl/barbara and how she started and got to be involved with the bats. (basically them just following her around while Barbara's like 'leave me alone tf')

Batman: Dark Victory (1999-2000)

also pretty good, I was kinda bored until Dick came in (mostly because he's the character i've really become invested in so far) but i loved seeing the very beginning of his character. sidenote: i love alfred

Batman Chronicles: The Gauntlet (1997)

this one was fun to read! I dont have a whole lot of commentary on it but it was more good backstory and seeing dick as robin.

Robin and Batman (2022)

I LOVED the artwork. watercolor is loml. but about the actual story: i also enjoyed it. Baby Dick is unhinged i love it. also it was the beginning of me not really liking batman??? i wasnt really expecting that... WFA led me astray :') and honestly that dislike just carries on the more i read so idk whats going on

Teen Titans: Year One (2008)

MY JAW DROPPED. bro when batman straight up hit Dick i was BAFFLED. like i know he was mind controlled and what not but bro why is batman such an ass to dick??? like even after the mind control is gone like hes still just so?? like shut up and let this 13 year old have fun with his friends wtf. anyways i dont like him, sorry, but if im just reading the ooc comics then lmk but so far im 👎🏼 on batman

Teen Titans (1966)

I only read issues #1 to get the intro, and then #14 because i heard it was dick centered. I wish i liked the older comics more than i do but i'm not mad i read them. I do enjoy the titans storyline and characters though so i will definitely read more to do with them

The New Teen Titans (1980)

I dabbled but i cant tell you which issues i read- again i think i need to get used to reading comics as a whole and come back to the older ones :')

Nightwing: Year One (1996)

so i've almost finished this one! Its #101-106 and i'm on #105 rn. again I DON'T LIKE BATMAN. like he's such a man-child. he literally 'fired' and yelled at this 13 year old kid for helping his friends save people instead of being with him like okay bitch. but anyways i like this! its more good backstory plus him going back to the circus was a nice touch. also the nightwing origin!!! dick going to superman for advice :') I like it.

okay thats all i got so far, I'm excited to keep reading. I have definitely spent too much time worrying about backstory and reading orders ( ik i don't have to bc continuity is relative but my brain just wont let me go out of order) but i've gotten a reading list that i'm pretty comfortable with. Also pretty soon ill be reading more with the batfam (specifically batkids) and im excited for that!! (the batkids are most of the reason im here tbh...especially now bc batman is...not my favorite)

okay thats all :)

i might add to this as i go i might not, we shall see.

#dc comics #comic reading #dc titans #dick grayson #nightwing #batboys #batfam #batkids #dc universe #richard grayson #batfamily

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voidsquidd · 3 months

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//TW// Suicide + self harm + eating disorders + abuse

-MASSIVE VENT-

Things are so bad rn omg, I hate that I feel this way at all, ik it's bad and ik it's only my fault

I don't have to be there for them, I don't have to deal with all of their fucking issues but if I don't then I feel like anything bad that happens is my own fault. And bad things do happen when I'm not there to help them. Sometimes I feel like I can't actually let them be alone for a day becuz I'm sure by the end of the day they'll be about ready to kts, and that has happened before.

We didn't talk for maybe a day and they almost offed them self in that day and almost relapsed into multiple different things, it was horrible and it was my fault for not being there to comfort them for a single fucking day. I love them but I legit can't do this, I'm not going to be able to be there for them as much as they need. I've already done so much, skipped school and missed out on hanging with friends becuz they were struggling, or even just outta paranoia that something bad would happen. Hell I can't even take a bath without worrying any more becuz ofc some shit happened while I was having a bath and now I'm scared to leave them for that long without being able to check on them

I wake up I check on them, I get ready and I'm always checking thru their messages that I missed to see what they say and they almost always say something bad, I go to school and I think about them and then at break I check on them and then I do the same at lunch, once I get outta school I check on them and look at the messages I've missed. They consume every single one of my thoughts

And then they lied to me, they fucking hid things. I stood up for them and said that the whole time I've known them, they've only lied once, but turns out they had been lying the whole time I knew them, they had been hiding shit from me and then got angry with themselves when they couldn't recover while actively triggering themself and bitching bout calories, like idk maybe ur not getting better becuz ur on about trying to drop to 200 becuz u used to be able to and apparently 500 is too much for u now, so sorry the amount I eat daily is for fat ppl, and maybe ur not getting better becuz ur counting the cals of individual mushrooms. If u wanted to get better then why are u doing this, and why are u hiding it from me, why didn't u tell me, why did u say u were fine when u were thinking about killing urself and why did u say ur sh wasn't tht bad when it was, when it kept bleeding, when it was infected. And u still didn't go to a doctor for u infected cuts. And why did u say that about me? I can't look at myself anymore, I feel like my body triggers ppl but u triggered me and now I wanna starve more than ever, if u hide things and say horrible shit on secret accounts I can do the same, and I'm gonna fucking starve myself more than ever, I'm gonna go days without eating, will my body trigger u then? U won't fucking know becuz u don't have this app

They won't go to the doctor for their head injuries either, they should've months ago but always found a reason not to and now the wounds healed and they've probably got fucking brain damage, the doctors won't find shit and they'll just keep getting hurt and losing brain cells each time.

Its like they don't wanna get better with how little they listen to my advice, I'm trying to help meanwhile they're acting like what is clearly sh is fine and that they're fine.

Be fucking honest for once

If this relationship fails is becuz I lost trust after the months of lying. I've already thought about ending it multiple times becuz ik I shouldn't have to feel responsible for all this, and that they would be dead without me, but I feel bad leaving them and I still love them

It hurts me sm but I do love them a lot

And idk if I could ever leave, even if this doesn't stop, even if they keep doing this and making me panic and feel insane, even if ik they're not worth it and that I could so easily trigger them over just calling out their bullshit

I think I might start threatening to leave them, otherwise they won't listen and they won't get better

If I hurt them they'll let me becuz their standards are so low anyway

Ik I'm not perfect but I sure as hell wasn't a liar until this point, I was actually trying but now I don't feel like trying becuz I don't feel like they actually respect me, I feel like they like the fact I help them and that's it, ik they'd settle for less then me but that's becuz they've been so abused they don't know how else to be treated, I really don't need to go the extra mile to make them like me when they'd like me even if I hurt them

Ik I'm not perfect but they've pushed me too far and I can't keep doing this

I hope they somehow see this, I hope they learn how it feels, how I feel. Idk how they would find this but they better and I hope it hurts them and ik I'm shitty for wanting that and ik I'll regret this eventually, ik I will

Ik they'll cry and hurt them self and maybe attempt suicide but rn I can't care

I want them to know how it feels

#vent shit #ed vent #sh vent #personal vent #vent post #tw abuse #toxic relationship #kms #i want to ⭐️ve #i wanna lose weight #self h@rm

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azelle-intermisson · 1 year

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i finished radiant dawn last night and it was so fun and i'm really glad i played on emulator because enemy phase would have taken years off my life if i had to sit through it. i have a lot of thoughts in my brain and i'm gonna try and spit a few of them out in this post. there are spoilers for fe9 and fe10 ahead!

first off i really can't wait for both tellius games to get remakes because they are so inaccessible to anyone who doesn't want to or can't emulate it because they are both well over $200 for no reason, and i think these are games that all fe fans should play. i am a firm believer that fe4 should get a remake first tho.

elincia is 100% a new fav fe character for me, i liked her in fe9 and i liked her development but there where other characters i liked more. in fe10 she was taken to a whole new level, despite being so short part two did such a good job of showing how hard it has been for her to be a ruler in a nation that she still has to prove herself to. i loved that you get to see her mess up in handling the rebellion early but in the end doing right by her people in letting them execute lucia instead of releasing ludveck. my absolute favorite thing from her was in part three when the senator is trying to fight gallia on crimea's land, and elincia shows up to the fight puts herself in between the two armies and drops her sword and stops zelgius from fighting, it was so cool seeing her go from being so uncertain as a queen to putting her life at risk to try and stop fighting.

i overall liked the gameplay and i had lots of fun messing with bonus exp and trading skills around, the laguz royals where such a blast to watch them destroy whole maps whenever you get to use them. i liked most of the maps, i really like it when fe has green units have full battles that the player doesn't need to get involved in because it makes the maps feel more chaotic (part three endgame my beloved). i didn't like most of part four or endgame as much as the rest of the game. i liked the fact that part four felt like an uphill battle with infinite reinforcements buuut i really don't like infinite reinforcements on route maps and that is most of part 4. the endgame maps where cool in concept but it is so easy to get screwed over at multiple parts of it that i can't fully commit to liking it. i don't like that several of the bosses have super long range attacks that kill units like micaiah and mist in one round it never felt like something that would be able to predict without constantly resetting. the best endgame map was 3 because i got to do this to my kurthnaga

last thing i wanna talk about on this post bc it is getting really long is ike. i really like ike and soren and i will forever headcanon ike as homoromantic ace and no one can stop me because i'm right.

#azelle talking #fire emblem #fire emblem radiant dawn #fire emblem path of radiance #fe9 #fe10 #but also the ike thing isn't headcanon he told me himself

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idk-someone-fix-this · 2 years

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i fucked up three of my exams i'm sure and i'm close to fucking up the next two also and like i'm a good student and i like studying this shit but my mental health is crippling and so so terrible at this point and like, brushing my teeth is an achievement idk if people realise how terrible depression is tbh. and now i'm just i'm so annoyed i just want to be able to study and go to a good college for the time being so that i'll get some peace to work on other things i want to do and then idk switch careers or smthn BUT LIKE MY MENTAL HEALTH IS SO HORRIBLE AND IT'S AFFECTING ME SO MUCH NO MATTER HOW MUCH I TRY TO SHUT MY BRAIN OFF and i really want to just drown in something and never be alive again sighe

sorry that was a long ass vent :( i wanted to talk to someone sighe

I talked to one of my dropper friends for this. So i'll summarize the conversation here, dekho if you can afford a drop (i read what you said but i want you to think upon this) then give your boards acche se.

But coming back to your case, he shared with me a irl example.

There was this girl who wasn't good at studying in 11th like really really bad. But she studied in 12th and she studied smartly. She knew she won't get the top colleges and so she didn't aim for them. She aimed for the marks she knew she could get. Ik normally it isn't recommended to aim for marks and do selective syllabus but sometimes we cannot do everything. So she did selective topics (she also had girls quota) and she got a rank around 7k. With that she got a decent IIT and a fine branch.

Now, why i'm telling you this? It's because she couldn't even get to a state level college with how her state was and her getting a decent IIT is actually really good.

And ik what it is to select subjects you love and lose interest because WTF.

So kaam ki baat.

Aim for the second attempt, i would recommend giving the first one for an experience and fir not worrying about the score as you aim for the second one and advanced. Yes karlo advanced, koi chance nahi chodo agar milti hai toh.

He also recommended some topics you can focus more on.

First is inorganic chemistry, forget about all the taboos and rantings associated with it. Karo ise, ye marks degi. bonding ho gayi, coordination ho gaya, pure group specific chapters ho gaye.

and Extraction is very easy and scoring.

Organic mein he said that aldehyde and ketone are veryy important. infact organic mein advanced vale zyada hard nahi puchenge, maths ki tarah hard question nahi bana sakte yahan.

Isliye chemistry will help you.

Maths mein very imp vectors, 3d, matrices, determinants, differential calculus, definite integration.

And so in physics like modern, optics, rotation and a lot of other topics.

But right now you have your maths board. For the boards i think you should watch a oneshot which revises the concepts (/or revise them on your own with your notes and formula lists) as well as watch previous year question videos (/or solve those questions on your own). Do the important NCERT questions and i'm sure teachers online have already marked those for you. There are a lot of resources online and some i watched when i was in 11th and sometimes still do for elementary topics and they are Neha agarwal mathematically inclined and cbseclassvideos. Try to sleep before your exam and don't panic while preparing. Abhi JEE ke bare mein bhul jao, your only goal for today tmrw and day after tmrw morning is so ace your maths test!

#asks #mod: blue #cbse #desiblr #Others can add to it!

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macabredeity · 10 months

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Watching a lp of unholy that dropped recently and it's really interesting to me how realistic looking horror games are just automatically boring as hell to me. I can sit through days of indie horror let's plays esp the ones in rpg maker or similar looking but ones w realistic lookin people and voice acting and all that just. Turn me off. Like they're just everywhere prob why. I need it to artistically tickle my brain too ik I dig pixel stuff a lot. Sm that manlybadasshero plays is good. Ik I like a lot of the old ones so many that nitrorad talks abt are interesting. Like idk layers of fear etc are good but I will not think abt them once I'm finished.

I'm not a critic I either like smth or I don't but I sure got own tastes reg horror stuff. Idk maybe the current game just turns me off since religious horror is like everywhere. Oooh a mother wants her child back which got sacrificed and will likely have to go through hell or some other demon place. Maybe it's the personality of the main char that I find boring in those games reg how they're often so generic and bland. Like. I like the resident evil franchise I got some realistic high budget stuff I do enjoy but there do the mcs also feel like complete people. I can't do shit w worried religious mom. I need to feel smth towards the mc beyond neutral/active dislike.

I could prob get to the root of why I specifically dislike certain games but I couldn't care less I don't write a review or smth nor do I pretend to have some better taste so who cares I use that time better w finding things I enjoy more. I will nonetheless watch that bc corrupted is good background noise and I'm anyways getting sleepy again. Might as well use it to get tired ig. Plus I am aware some kick off later. I am an hour into an almost six hour vid so the direction could still go anywhere.

#my heart is a haunted house #I am a person that gives smth they like 10/10 and doesn't review at like all if disliked that's how deep my criticisms go #And I could not care less

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kunimikat · 3 years

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hi! i'm having a hard time mentally lately and i recently found out that i kind of erm,,,,, when my mental health is really bad my brain is like "no!😀" and skyrockets me into absolute baby mode and just want cuddles and love and i feel really lonely and don't talk a lot. bokuto is my comfort character so if you woudlnt mind could you do some headcanons or whatever you want- about him helping? feel free to ignore this i know it's a bit strange💔 but i thought i'd throw it out there :) 💞

I really hope it gets better for you, I hope my shitty HCs somehow makes your day a little better. Lots of love 🥺🤲❤️oh and this might’ve come off more angsty but I promise I put fluff at the end. And listen to this while reading cause it just makes this- 💔🦟🦗🦟🦗❤️

Requests are open! And if you have requests like this I’m happy to do them :)

Also proof read but still might be mistakes.sorry, there might be some triggering things in here, but there is nothing crazy so I think it’s ok 🧍

Before you guys even got together he’d always check up on you.

To the point were he subconsciously did it anywhere, and anytime

He’d give you small owl knickknacks or a snack before school started, or when it ended. Making sure you ate something that day.

Or he’d just try to make you laugh as much as he could during then

But sometimes he’d drop everything, and just give you a tight hug. Anywhere, no matter who it was in front of. Holding you close to him, not saying anything but you could hear him tripping over the words he wanted to say but just couldn’t.

He could tell it was a bad day where you’d come in and just sit on the benches or bleachers with both in mind but staring at the bright fluorescent gym lights. Where you’d just zone out mid-conversation and look at your feet or phone in disinterest. When you’d throw in a sarcastic self-deprecation joke when someone would ask if you’re ok.

Or when you’d have days where you’d stay up studying, doing your homework, and not sleeping for who knows how long when you come in with the energy drink in hand. Or the days when you’d get nothing done, and just sleep everything away and just deal with it the next day.

It didn’t take a therapist or a mastermind to tell you weren’t ok.

The nervous tics, the small lip bites, the impulsive “Let’s do something and think about consequences later!”

Bokuto knew he was just like the latter but at least it wasn’t all the time, so when he saw his bestfriend and crush slowly killing themselves mentally (and maybe physically, he was hoping not), yet cracking jokes about it the next second. All he wanted to do was run in and kiss you until all you felt was loved.

He just wanted to see you happy again

He felt like fainting everytime he saw you giggle or laugh at his antics(knowing Bokuto that has probably happened)

Or when you and Ahgkaaashi would hang out with him at the Owl section of the Zoo and pick out your favorite ones

When you two would try cooking some dish either of you couldn even try pronouncing and it ending in a mess. One he didn’t mind cleaning up when he got to talk to you throughout the whole time.

The times you’d have to turn in your work a little late because you were helping Bokuto cope after losing a game, which he felt bad about but you brushed it off with a genuine smile saying “I can’t leave poor Akaashi with Bokuemo for the rest of the week can I?” “H-Hey!”

When you and Bokuto would hang out in the bird themed cafe on the end of the street from school. And just be yourselves without having to impress anyone.

How you excuse yourself from the group of people you barely knew the names of, to go cry in the bathroom then come back as if nothing happened.

Times where you both forget your in highschool with insecurities, voice cracks, stress, and having to make a decision regarding the rest of your life by the end of it. And just laying in some random parking lot, staring into the blaring street lamp light and the stars behind it.

Bokuto loved it when you didn’t use the jokes to cover up how you felt. Or how you jumped to another subject when he would ask. When you tell him everything you’re feeling.,

The confusion, the way you didn’t know why your mind worked the way it did and why you felt horrible all of a sudden but fine the next.

You wanted it to stop, to have an explanation for the way you think and why. Yet now you’re telling no one, and clearly holding it in. Bokuto was now watching you letyour emotions eat you alive from the inside out.

He just wanted the you he knew. The you that he had so many fun memories with. Not the forced persona you played when you needed a cover up for how you truly felt.

This wasn’t the way he wanted to confess but it was getting all too much for Bokuto to watch,

Bokuto’s tears were streaming down his face as he had you held out in front of him. His body was trembling and his grasp was so shaky it was easy to break away. But you knew you could ever do that to him, or yourself. He clenched his jaw , not being able to lock eyes with you, a painful tug at his heart everytime he locked eyes with your hopeless look. You felt tears brimming your eyes yet you didn’t even know why he sat you down here. But you felt it was your fault, so immediately you let out a ‘Sorry-‘

Instead of an answer Bokuto pulled you toward him, pushing your head into the crook of his neck. You let out a choked noise as surprise, instinctively wrapping your arms around his waist.

“Why...why’re you saying sorry Y/N? I should be saying sorry for not helping you, I-“

Bokuto lost his breath for a second as a silent sob wracked his body, bringing you closer to him. Tears were falling down from your eyes but you could barely feel them as they became a stream.

“Y/N, I love you, I love you so, so much. Why are you doing this to yourself? You know you could come talk to me, I-I’m not the the best therapist but,-“

He let out a shaky breath, pulling you back out to look at you directly. You squeezed his arm that was holding you, reassuring him you felt the same way, but also to go on. Puffy eyes and a tear stained face looked at you sternly. “Please, please don’t keep these feelings to yourself Y/N. It hurts, it hurts me so much when I see you like this. Especially since you feel like you can’t come to me. I-, I-“

Bokuto bit his lip, clenching his eyes tight, forcing the tears that were already threatening to fall out. “I don’t want to see you like this. I love you, I love you.”The only thing lacing his tone is the sincerity in it.

He says it again to make sure you understood every word that came from him. But he didn’t need to. His grip so tight on your arms it almost hurt. But in a way, you didn’t mind it as it showed you how much more serious this was to him.

“You have me, Kaashi, the team, and honestly anyone! We all love you and what you have to say!”

You both give small shaky laughs, despite the situation, the tension slowly melting. He wipes the tears that were flowing down your cheeks, kissing each one after he did. You held each one of his hand. Squeezing them to give yourself courage, and to know this was all too real.

“Bokuto...I’m so sorry to you and everyone else. I- I locked myself away because I thought I would be bothering you and everyone and could just get over it then push the feelings down. But now seeing you...seeing you so much...pain, someone I love hurt because of me. I...I really realize how I was affecting everyone.”

Bokuto tried denying but you shook your head, your eyes that were looking down were now up at him.

“I’ve come to reality especially after seeing you like this Bo, I love you too, and I want to make it up to you this whole week! No, month...year? Whatever. I’ll be better for our future. And you know what, why don’t I help you with that math homework so we’re both gonna get better at something by the end of the week!”

Laugher filled the once cold room with a feeling of warmth that you couldn’t explain. Bokuto leaned in and gave a small peck. You were about to give a small hum in happiness. Until he pulled far back away from you in panic.

“I-Is something wrong Bo? Does my breath stink-“

“N-NONONO NOTHING LIKE THAT. ITS JUST...I just kissed you without asking...a-and I read in a magazine you’re supposed to do that or your crush won’t like you back!”

Silence.

But you interrupted it with your laughter, holding onto to one of his shoulders to not fall over. He had a confused look on his face as he fidgeted, not knowing what to do. “Y-Y/N! What?”

“You’re so stupid Bo,”

And like that you pulled him into a kiss, one he quickly melted into. He made a small surprised noise, but that was the only noise of complaint. The kiss turned into Bokuto giving you pecks all over your face. A giddy feeling in your stomach with each one. Between the kisses you say “Y’know I’m surprised you decided to sit down and read a magazine without testing on the real deal.” His face has a small flush, instead of saying anything he just kisses you aggressively all over, causing you to reel back and laugh harder. He pulls away from the assault and grabs your hand. He leads you over to the couch and hugs you as you both flop onto the couch. You looked at him confused, “Bo?”

But he just turned the TV on, clicked through the channels, until he found one he liked. He looked over at you excitedly, “Let’s cuddle and watch the movie I was talking about last week!”

The genuine excitement in his voice was all it took to have you wrapped around his finger. So now it was getting late and you were falling asleep to Bokuto gently rubbing his hand in circles on your back. And his faint smell of cologne luring you to sleep.

Hey! Sorry if this is on the shorter side, but I tried packing as much emotion as I could into it to make up. I hope you enjoyed this, cause I added a few of my little issues into it so I hope you don’t mind. (Also along with some people ik) I really hope it gets better for you, hopefully by now even though this came out late (sorry really busy this month for some reason🧍) if you need anyone to talk to I’m always open to hear❤️..

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