#i will have done more damage to my physical and mental wellbeing by ignoring my body than ever eating for the sake of tasting something good

[uncanny-tranny]

There's this idea I see sometimes that you can only like food insofar as you use it as a tool to satiate your hunger, but honestly? It's okay to like food not for how it serves you but for what it feels like and means.

It's okay to like food because it tastes good, because it reminds you of your childhood and your culture, because it reminds you of beautiful nostalgic memories. It's okay to like food. Food is such an integral part of the human experience. The more we minimize food as "solely a tool," the less connected we are to not only food but to ourselves because so often, people tie their bodies in with food and how it does or does not serve them.

#recovery #food #disordered eating tw #eating disorder tw #(just for the implication) #something i am trying to internalize while recovering #the idea that food is solely a tool personally harmed me because it stripped food down to something i must sufficiently earn #but right now i am cooking spaghetti because i want to taste it and because while i am not hungry i know i have not eaten enough to be okay #and i'm going to learn to be happy about it or hell at the very least indifferent and unafraid by it #i will have done more damage to my physical and mental wellbeing by ignoring my body than ever eating for the sake of tasting something good #insert that one jack black gif from school of rock where he says '...because i LIKE TO EAT' #making my italian ancestors happy by eating spaghetti but pissing them off to seeing red by snapping the spaghetti in half to cook it

[icyrambles]

i typically have two forms of analysis when i talk about certain characters. i call them meta analysis and canon analysis.

meta analysis is when i take into account author, fan, and personal interpretation and intention when writing a character. this can be things like biases on the author's part (intentional or not), fandom headcanons and general opinions that are widespread, and finally my own personal opinions and beliefs on the character or media

canon analysis is when i ignore everything above. it's when i take things that are said exclusively through the text and conveyed to me as a reader. these are analysis formed exclusively (or at least as much as i try) through what is told to me via the text

like take pharma as an example. i personally hate how his character is treated both in canon and in fandom. within canon he's reduced to the crazy doctor who harvested his patients organs and in fandom i've noticed he either gets babied to all hell (typically by shifting the blame of his actions onto tarn) or just demonising him. i dislike this from all angles because pharma for me is a multifaceted character who, while causing a lot of harm, was forced into a situation where he really did not have a choice if he wanted to keep his staff and himself alive.

like yeah, i think pharma should punished in some way for the deaths he caused, but i also think that he should be viewed through the lens of someone who was essentially being blackmailed into killing his patients less himself and his staff (one of whom was a defected decepticon) be serious harmed or just outright killed. and that these actions caused massive damage to his mental wellbeing which caused him to spiral into madness.

or like take ratchet. he's got this thing in fandom where he'll throw wrenches at people and he's a fucking rebel who hates the government. but he doesn't do either of those things ever, in any of the continuities i've read/watched. like he's not even remotely violent unless he's actively being threatened? and even then he's more liable to go for verbal assaults rather than physical ones. where are you people getting these interpretations from?

he's a snarky ass who enjoys arguing with people sure, but ratchet would not fucking destroy the government. he fucking threatens to dismantle megatron on several occasions throughout the comics. there was a tweet from alex milne a while back that basically called ratchet an abusive partner and like, listen, fandom interpretations are always going to be a little off, but i'm sorry mr. milne, but ratchet is not an abuser in any sense of the word. there is nowhere, and i mean nowhere in the comics that proves that he would do that.

idw starscream is also a character who i have complex feelings about when i try to write about him.

because on the one hand i despise the way that idw starscream is treated by the fanbase. he's not a good person, that is the whole point of him. he's a terrible person, who has done terrible things, and i think he should be treated as just as bad as megatron. and i think the fandom constantly babying him because of what megatron did to him is stupid.

he's a genuinely cunning, manipulative, and overall shitty asshole who is more than willing to doublecross and backstab to get what he wants.

but he's also a victim. megatron's treatment of him throughout the war is inexcusable. under no circumstances do i think that starscream deserved to be kept around as a punching bag to keep the other decepticons in line and i also am of the belief that megatron should've gotten more flack for what he did to starscream.

like pharma, starscream is a character who has a lot of different layers. he fucks up and relapses into more toxic behaviour because it's quite literally the only thing he can rely on. he's expected by the people around him to be a backstabber and a liar, so why on earth would he act any differently?

it's not until bumblebee appears that he actually starts to change. and i think it's very important when discussing bee and starscream's relationship that people remember that starscream does not think of bumblebee as a ghost. he views bee as a literal manifestation of his guilt and consciousness. he did genuinely seem to view bumblebee as a good leader and a good person before his death in dark cybertron, so when bee shows up as a ghost and starts encouraging starscream to do better for his people and his planet, starscream listens because he did trust bee.

the point of starscream's character, is that people can only change if they truly want to. bumblebee wants starscream to change for the better but starscream only starts to change when he actually believes he can. and even then he often relapses into more negative behaviours because he's not perfect. the fact that he does this honestly makes him even more believable to me.

if you were treated as nothing more than a liar, coward, and manipulative asshole for 4 million years you'd probably fuck up on the road to recovery too.

it's why megatron's redemption at least works for me within a canon lens. he only starts to change his behaviour when he actually begins to understand that his actions and ideology were wrong. that's why it works. the lost light as a ship is about new beginnings and fresh starts for everyone, so having megatron, literally the most hated guy every join the crew works to further that theme of rebirth.

out of canon analysis though, starscream and megatron in my opinion were done very poorly in terms of writing. they were very clearly meant to be cartoonishly evil characters with no redeemable qualities during phase 1 of the comics. so when phases 2 + 3 roll around and try to develop these characters as more than just evil assholes, it falls flat because you have to sweep all of the terrible shit they've done under the rug.

and it doesn't work well from a narrative perspective to have murder mcgee megatron and his former second in command be the leaders of not only the planet they fucking destroyed and the ship that legally doesn't belong to them. and this is coming from someone who loves idw's portrayals of megatron and starscream. i think they're some of the best versions out there beyond maybe the originals.

i also think that fandom falls into a weird zone when it comes to these characters. i call it fandom flanderization; where fandom will take a certain character trait (like starscream being a liar) and conflate that trait to be their whole character. like is starscream a liar? yeah he absolutely is. but he's also a genuinely caring individual when he actually trusts someone.

it's a shame because i think that idw, despite having relatively weak writing in terms of overall storytelling, actually has some really interesting interpretations of the characters.

[ if you liked my work, please feel free to give it a reblog and leave your thoughts in the tags, reblog box itself, or replies. i adore seeing what other people have to say about my thoughts ]

#icy's writing #transformers #meta analysis #megatron #starscream #ratchet #pharma #transformers idw #i have so many thoughts about how characters get treated by the fandom #mostly can be boiled down to #HE WOULD NOT FUCKING SAY THAT???? #where did you get this interpretation from good lord #something something every 3 months or so people should be required to reread the source material #because if you wanna break canon #you gotta understand it so it doesn't fucking feel like left field when someone makes a random ass headcanon #that's not even remotely based in canon in any way

[eru-duma-blog]

I don’t really know who needs to hear this but it’s here for when you do.

Basically, it’s important to recognise the very simple fact that there will be people out there, lots of people, who will hate or strongly dislike something that makes you happy.

There are people who will hate your favourite show and your favourite characters. Even if most of the fandom love that character - especially if most of the fandom love that character - there will be a group that, because of this, will despise and criticise them. I see it in every fandom and it’s very sad.

The personality quirks and the depth of the character that interests you WILL be hated by someone else and there’s nothing worse than seeing someone verbally attack the character(s) that you not only love but that you rely on for emotional and mental wellbeing. It might even be such a danger that you have to remove yourself from the fandom altogether and miss out on good things because you can’t run the risk of finding another hateful comment.

You are not alone!

Sometimes, the people who hate your favourite are only doing so because they are trolls and they know it will spark a retaliation. Others will be of the opinion that the character you love legitimately does not deserve any appreciation and they will be adamantly defending that opinion as the RIGHT opinion. It might even be brought upon by jealously that their own favourite is not being shown the love they believe is due or because they feel a sense of superiority in proudly declaring that they aren’t a ‘sheep’ by blindly loving the fan-favourite character as “all the commoners do”, going so far as to nit-pick at all the faults they can find.

And when you see a hate comment, you find it hard to get rid of. The memory of it floats in your head and, especially for those who rely on fictional characters for their mental happiness or escapism, it physically hurts. There’s an ache in your chest or your stomach and it can take several minutes and some heavy distractions to pull you out of that funk long enough to shrug the hate comment away. Some find it difficult to even do that!

Again, you are not alone!

Even if the entire fandom hates your favourite, you continue loving them. Don’t give in to their pressure and try and move on from a free source of happiness! They have no right to take that from you!

Just remember that haters feel more confident when they’re sat behind a screen and are letting their fingers do all the talking. They are just ‘other fans’ and they DO NOT speak for the actors and actresses, the writers, the creators or anyone responsible in providing you with content. Would they say all those criticisms if your favourite character’s actor was stood in earshot? Probably not. Because then their opinion wouldn’t be treated as valid, it wouldn’t matter to you, and it would be ignored and forgotten. Haters don’t like to be ignored and they definitely don’t like to be forgotten.

So, my advice is this: for every hate comment you see, remember that there are hundreds of people who are on YOUR side. Who love your favourite as much as you do and will only treat YOUR opinions as valid ones.

People will hate your favourite but that’s totally normal and okay.

Also (and this is going to be the most shocking piece of advice), don’t post hate comments.

If you feel the urge to completely belittle and shout at a character/team/show, do so in a private sector of the fandom with those that share your opinion by using separate hashtags. Don’t post it where anyone can see it because you have no idea of the untold damage your clever little put-down can inflict on someone you can’t see.

“It’s not like people will lose sleep over it.” No, you’re right, most don’t. But some do! Some have very complex mental health problems and something you say can cut very deeply.

“I’m entitled to my opinion!” You certainly are! Freedom of voice and all that. But becoming aggressive and refusing to respect another person’s feelings is not an opinion. It’s hate. And you are NOT entitled to hate.

“But that character is literally the worst.” I might agree with you. I too might hate that character. But we do not get to decide that everyone else must join us in hating them. When it’s just the two of us, then maybe. The character we hate is beloved to someone else and if I knew I was responsible for unintentionally hurting someone, the last thing I’d feel is proud.

It is possible to give your opinion without being hurtful.

There will always be varying reasons as to why a character is a favourite of someone’s.

Whether it is a very shallow reason (because they like their aesthetic or they like a certain personality type) or whether it’s because of very deep or very personal reasons (because that character reminds them of a deceased family member or shares flaws that they too are struggling with), leave people to love the characters you hate and leave people to hate the characters you love.

Remember that every time you do post hate, you’ve done the equivalent of slapping someone in the face.

Would you appreciate your comment, if it was directed at your favourite character?

(Please feel free to repost your own fandoms if you know of someone who needs this. And if you don’t, then you don’t have to worry at all.)

#sorry if it’s long winded #sonic the hedgehog #pokemon #critical role #fruits basket #transformers #legend of zelda #marvel #avengers #dc comics #lord of the rings #sherlock #doctor who #miraculous ladybug #attack on titan #avatar the last airbender #narnia #help and support #positivity #furuba #mental health #mental wellbeing

[sk-lumen]

Need serious advice about setting boundaries or communicating when dealing with a person who:

Is a parent

Has unhealthy communication methods -- it takes very little for them to start full-blown screaming, shouting out all your 'negative' things/mistakes/past, can continue to scream-criticise you even after you've gone silent, for WHOLE MINUTES even if you've shut up, will not accept anything that even hints at them making a mistake

You can't trust since childhood coz u made the mistake of confiding in them with a serious issue as a young teen --- mental related --- and they belittled and invalidated you, and since then pretended you never confided in them and have NO IDEA how you've been coping without them or ANYone else for years... Yeah thanks, parent, what u said back then made me think I was the one at fault and so I stopped trusting even friends coz yeah, when ur own parent doesn't give a damn, why would anyone else?

Is a master at silent treatments without explaining what EXACTLY they're punishing you for, then when theyre in the mood, will start talking to you as if they hadn't ignored you for days. Lol I'd rather be water boarded I think. Especially for all the damage this caused when I was a child

Won't openly talk about what they want, yet expects ALL FHE TIME others (in the family) to know what they want, then will complain/scream/angry for AGES about how no one cares, no one gives a damn... And when someone asks them what they want, they either say: nothing, or "you should know! Can't u see?"

Upon asking them to please talk normally, will blow a fuse, and lose it --- happened multiple times today

Literally will use me as a scape goat to unleash their frustrations upon. Even when I leave the room, I can hear them b*tch about how much of a failure I am etc. The trigger being anything that bothers them, from a phone call to something other siblings did, bla bla. I limit my time with them... But it's like, it feels impossible to have them treat me normally, without ridiculing or criticising me. I'm already a very low self esteem person... This doesn't help AT ALL

In short, refuse to tell/ask/discuss important stuff, and getting mad randomly that no one read their mind, bcoz everyone's 'old enough to have enough sense' to know what they 'should' do... Eg will not pikc up the phone when we call them from the store to ask when what the needed isn't available, so what other alternative can we get... And then when we get home, will instead blame us for being fussy and not getting the alternative, completelt skirting around the issue they didn't deign to pick up the phone... I mean, I don't get it. In the past I HAVE in fact asked them to just openly tell me what they want/expect from me to make them happy... Got passive aggressive answers like "don't you know? Are you dumb?" Bla bla

Passive aggressive to the max when they've lost it

Expect me to drop anything I'm doing and immediately cater to them, and expect me to help them in their hobbies (while simultaneously, as I learned many years ago to much heartache, not being interested or even pretending to be interested in my hobbies. The disinterest taught me very quickly how much what I wanted meant, leading to years of self-invalidation. Luckily I've learned it really is them, not me. My hobbies are valid)

Will not talk about why they're feeling angry, what causes it. Instead will blame me, who's like the golden scapegoat in our amazing family, by saying :YOU made me negative. They've said it many times now... It hurts a lot, when I'm also struggling with my own issues which I ofc can't confide in them about :)

Today I manned up -- the outburst of hatred happened again! Over a simple thing. It was NIGHTMARE and made me angry/sad/frustrated/triggered---, and so I told them to stop talking like that... Boy was that the wrong thing to say... I don't think I can accurately tell u what happened afterwards...

Usually children learn communication skills from the parents... I at least learned to recognize the unhealthy ones, and what NOT to communicate like lol. Like, other parent is even worse, believe it or not. But that's another complex situation

I'm not bashing on the parent. Lord knows I even have that much of a right huh? I hate myself eveb more when they invalidate me if I try to show how MUCH THEY HURT me after a 'communication session'. As in, heaven forbid me if I BE SILENT afterwards and DON'T wanna listen to their retardation. Nope. Even then they provoke me, rage at me, you know how sometimes enraged people hiss vitriol thru gritted teeth? Yeah, that's what they did today after I stayed silent and tried to ignore them an hour later after the 'session' when they wabted something. It's like they don't even need me to say a word and will carry on and on for minutes 🤢

I feel alone, helpless and at a loss what to do

I want to move out. Due to severe mental issues I can't even move out rn coz it scares me even more. But this has to stop. Things are only okay if I'm absolutely passive, say yes to whatever they want, kill my wants and needs, and become a perfect robot bred to cater to them (parent)

I hope you can help me out, dear

Hi darling,

It sounds like you’re in a considerably toxic environment. I'm sorry you're going through this. Know that this is not normal, nor is it how a parent/child relationship should be. In case there's any doubt, let me start by saying you deserve to be supported, respected, listened to, to have your needs met. You deserve to live in an environment that offers you all of these things.

With that being said, from the many scenarios you’ve mentioned you’ve already tried reasoning and setting boundaries, to no avail. There is only so much you can do on your own, if the other person in the equation is not meeting halfway or at all. After all, a healthy conversation involves two people, not just one.

Here's my advice, in this order:

Calmly and maturely asking the respective parent to have a serious discussion with you and to listen to what you have to say. Share how their actions and behaviour is making you feel, let them know you care, and make sure to mention several solutions for the issue as well. If this doesn’t work…

Bring up the subject of needing help from outside, such as the assistance of a specialist/therapist. Family counselling can shed a lot of light on toxic behaviours that are ingrained from childhood (both in their case and yours), on fears your parent may have, stress from their work, whatever is causing their outbursts and anger - because there is always a reason. Behind anger is sadness, and behind sadness is some need not being met, or an underlying fear, trauma, etc. This is not a justification for their behaviour, they are responsible for it; this is simply the fact of how energy dynamics work. People bottle up their frustrations, fears, etc, and let them out on those closest to them, to whom they feel superior. It’s not fair, and it’s not healthy, but it is frequently how this pattern works. If this solution doesn’t work either…

Then unfortunately, all you can do is focus on yourself. If they refuse to meet you anywhere along the road, you have to pack up your things and go your own way. Literally or metaphorically. They may be your parent and you may love them even in spite of their behaviour, but you cannot hold yourself responsible for anything they say or do; that is on them. In those cases, you have to prioritize your own mental health and wellbeing, and focus on moving out. If your (home) environment is toxic, you have to focus on first changing it. That’s vital. Only afterwards can you start healing, refinding yourself, reclaiming your self-esteem and confidence, your sense of worth. As long as you stay stuck in a toxic environment, you cannot really heal; if there is abuse of any kind (physical, mental, emotional), the causes are still there, leading to re-traumatizing.

If for whatever reason moving out is not (yet) an option, I would emphasize seeking some sort of counselling for yourself, if nothing else. You need an anchor, some sort of support that will help you along your path until you do get out.

Now, I don’t know how old you are. I am going to assume you are over 18 and of age, so only mind my advice if that is the case. (As disclaimer, I don't provide advice to minors as it's not the scope of my blog nor am I specialized/focused on that area.)

I understand moving out seems scary because it is unknown, but with that line of thought you may wait another 10 years in the same situation. Wouldn’t you wake up 10 years later already having done the hard work on moving out, finding your independence, claiming your sense of individuality and moving on from this sort of environment, this phase in your life?

Sooner is better than later, but do so with mindfulness and care over your mental health, of course. I know it’s scary. But being an adult requires some difficult decisions at times, and setting boundaries begins with choosing your wellbeing and doing what needs to be done, even if it is something uncomfortable short-term, but highly rewarding and beneficial long-term.

Hope this helps... and wishing you much luck, clarity, gentle guidance and comfort.✨

PS: Lately I've been receiving longer and longer letters in my inbox. As solution, I was thinking of having longer asks/letters redirected to my blog where there isn't any length limit, and readers can more comfortably browse both my tumblr and blog - and those requesting advice can share and receive a more in-depth response.

-Lumen

#mental health #toxic relationship #toxic environment #boundaries #parenthood #ask #tw? not sure what to tag just in case #tw: swearing #tw: mental health #tw: anxiety

[call-me-dumbass]

So I haven't actually read up on how old the Lords are, in which order they were "adopted" by Miranda or how old they were when it happened because I am ignorant like that. So bear with me for the following headcanon, that's just something soft I needed to get out of my system, regardless of how well it fits into canon.

(Also I think I should note that, for some reason, I was convinced for a very long time that Miranda took Heisenberg in and started the experiments when he was still a child, I don't know where that came from or how accurate it is but that's kinda the idea behind this whole thing)

You can’t tell me that Karl Heisenberg didn’t love his baby sister. He got “adopted” at a very young age, he probably was orphaned (either at Miranda’s hand or even before that) and he knows what it feels like to be alone. And I believe that the Cadou-procedure did leave one mark or another on his body. His face and body are covered in scars and some of them he’s probably had since childhood or early teens due to either the experiments made on him or the first ones he performed on others (which were bound to go terribly wrong). And, in the beginning, he probably felt bad about them. So, yeah, of course he likes Donna. How could he not? She is young, her face is scarred, and she lost her parents. The only friendly company she knows are her gardener and her dolls. Karl gets her.

He hates Miranda with a burning passion and when he sees what she does to poor little Donna, how the girl suffers from the Cadou at first, the hatred only grows.

After Donna is told to settle down in her childhood home, Karl offers help rearranging furniture, building some more if needed. (He notices that there is so much wood in the house, barely metal; he supposes his reputation had gotten out here many, many years ago. People were scared of him and what he could do. It makes sense.)

Donna is delighted. She is too weak to do all the lifting and she is very happy about being able to make the house truly her own. To shake off the haunting memories of her deceased parents. (She does love them, misses them every day, but continuing to live in the unchanged house would be too painful. She couldn’t take it.)

The rearranging takes a whole day and Karl does almost everything alone, and, of course, he is complaining the whole time. Donna makes coffee and packs and unpacks boxes, and around noon she makes lunch. Angie takes a nap after she’s been on edge the whole day, flying around, instructing Karl and annoying the living hell out of him. So, the two of them now sit there without someone else to initiate a conversation. Donna isn’t sure how to start one and is afraid that this will take an awkward turn, but Karl wouldn’t be Karl if he didn’t have something to bitch about. He rants over the last meeting with Miranda, because “If I have to listen to one more fucking sermon about how to do my job, I swear to god, I’m throwing myself off one of the factory towers!”

Of course he’s over-dramatic, but he manages to break the ice and Donna chuckles, nodding in agreement. He goes on about Miranda and his current project and what dumb bullshit Alcina told him on the phone last week and Donna doesn’t talk – she rarely does these days – but she doesn’t have to, because he can read her in a way that makes words unnecessary. He even manages to make her laugh at some point with a silly story about one of his lycans and they are both equally surprised at the sound. But he gives her a smile that’s less cocky than usual and she knows he’s proud of himself for cheering her up like this.

When they’re done with the house, it’s already getting dark outside, and Karl grumbles about how he lost a whole day of work to this bullshit. Angie tries to slap him and they almost start a fistfight, but Donna manages to keep her doll in check. She pretends not to her the “Crazy bitch” Karl murmurs under his breath. She walks him to the door and when he says goodbye, he rests his hand on her shoulder, squeezing it softly. “You tell me if you need help with something else”, he says, “but don’t expect me to spend another whole fucking day here.” She just nods and he taps her shoulder before making his way down the path, lighting a cigar on the way.

He is in a good mood when he comes home and settles down in his workshop (he didn’t lie about losing precious worktime, he does have an army to build). While he scribbles down ideas for another soldat, he thinks that it was actually nice to get out and how homely it was spending time with Donna. The kid doesn’t talk much, but that’s alright with him, he’s not sure if he would in her situation. It’s clear she has a shitload of stuff to work through and it makes Karl angry, because he knows she won’t. He knows she won’t because he didn’t, because there’s no one in this damned village who gives a single flying fuck about their wellbeing, because their so-called mother only cares if they’re worthy of staying in the family, indifferent to their health – physical or mental.

Karl knows that Donna won’t work through her issues, and he knows that he can’t help her with that, he’s too damaged himself. But he knows that he’ll do everything he can to make her life at least a bit more bearable. Maybe even comfortable, as far as that’s possible in this hellhole of a town. Because he might have never known his real family – at least he can’t remember them – and that shitshow Miranda calls family sure as hell ain’t one, but he’s pretty sure the way he feels protective over Donna is what it feels like to be a big brother.

The next day, a small package gets dropped off at the factory. No sender, just his own name in neat handwriting. When he opens it, there’s a doll in it. It’s tiny, dressed in tattered cloth, with wolf-like features and soft fur on its arms and legs. There’s also a note, a little piece of paper folded once in the middle. When he unfolds it, it simply reads Thank you.

Karl usually doesn’t like dolls. He finds them freaky. This one, however, finds its place on his desk in the workshop, with the note propped up against it.

#karl heisenberg #donna beneviento #resident evil #resident evil 8 #resident evil village #re8 headcanons #re village #soft big brother karl heisenberg #miranda is a bitch #soft karl heisenberg #resident evil heisenberg

[newtafterdark]

Taste of Metal - Chapter 6: Stargazing into Reality

AO3 Link:  archiveofourown.org/works/26157634/chapters/65008555

Summary: What if the overwhelming VR experience Gordon went through, had a deeper purpose than just being a simple simulation & a freelance debug job for him?

But most importantly- what if Gordon Freeman listens to Metal & used to be in a band? aka. the “Metalhead Gordon AU”

- - -

If the other members of the Science Team would have been awake, they would have told Gordon to "go the fuck to sleep".

But here he was, standing on his balcony, leaning against the concrete railing and staring into the night.

It was still the same day as his and the Science Team’s arrival at his apartment. The same day of their escape from Black Mesa and… well, Gordon still didn’t know enough to be sure that that was actually all they ran from.

He didn’t want to bluntly force more information out of them, no matter how lightly most of them had seemed to have taken their new-found freedom.

People were good at not talking about things that cause them pain.

He should know, he had done it only a few hours ago.

It had been almost too easy for him to deflect the team’s worries and draw their attention towards the more positive things he took away from the entire simulation experience.

Had it been healthy for him to not admit he was hurting? No. But at the moment it seemed better to just pretend that no harm had been done. Couldn’t they have just one day of blissful ignorance of what had happened?

The comfort of the make-believe almost casual get-together with friends was nice… but it wouldn’t last long. Gordon would have to face his new reality, as would the rest of the Science Team.

He scratched at his injured arm absentmindedly. The damage had been done… and the healing process had to start eventually. Physically and mentally.

Gordon felt himself shiver slightly, despite having brought his soft blanket outside with him. Maybe it was the lingering anxiety and the remnants of adrenalin; he wasn’t sure. After all, his expertise was programming and theoretical physics - not psychology, chemistry and how these two influenced with human biology.

He was suddenly pulled out of his long-winded thoughts by the sound of the door to the balcony gently opening behind him.

Turning his head, he found Dr Coomer and Bubby joining him in staring at the night sky.

The silence that settled between them was comfortable, the draining thoughts in Gordon’s head getting replaced by a content low buzz as he slowly became more aware of the sounds around him.

Trees softly moving in the wind. The noises of cars driving by below them. A crow cawing in the distance… and the gentle sound of drizzling rain drumming on the roof above Gordon’s apartment.

“... it is… truly something else to see everything being so... real.”

Bubby was now leaning against the railing just like Gordon was, but his hands were occupied with gently tapping on the concrete, even when he didn’t take his eyes off the stars in the sky.

Dr Coomer hummed in agreement beside them, following Bubby’s gaze.

“Agreed. Neither photos nor videos did any of this justice…”

“Neither of you ever got to see the real world like this, right?”, Gordon asked.

Dr Coomer nodded.

“As I told you before, Gordon… I am the only true AI in our group of friends. Black Mesa was quite adamant of not giving me the opportunity to leave the premises. I will admit, I had seen glimpses of the real world occasionally… but those got wildly overshadowed by the amount of media I managed to get access to.”

“And I was fortunate enough to see a few things Harold got his hands on. It wasn’t much, but I’ll always treasure it.”, Bubby added, earning a soft smile from Dr Coomer.

Gordon pondered for a moment, letting their words sink in and trying to choose his words carefully-

“Well… now you two don’t have to sneak in new secret experiences for each other anymore. The world is out there for you to explore and experience! No worries of being found out anymore… and no more Black Mesa.”

“No more Black Mesa.”, Bubby agreed.

“No more Black Mesa.”, Dr Coomer echoed.

Silence spread for a while once more with the three of them just taking in the night and no pressure to keep a conversation going.

“Sleep doesn’t come as easy to you than the rest of us, does it, Gordon?”, Dr Coomer suddenly asked.

Gordon blinked at that.

“Well...”

Looking back into his apartment, he thought it over.

Despite their very energetic natures, all members of the Science Team had conked out shortly after the impromptu late-night dinner.

Even Benrey, who had claimed previously that he didn’t need any sleep, had sunken further into the bean chair and was gracing the others in the room with the softest snoring noise any of them had ever heard.

To his own surprise, Gordon found it quite calming.

Well, really, the entire current situation was.

No one had really spoken up about sleeping arrangements… but in the end, they didn’t have to. They all knew that everyone would only be able to rest if they were huddled closely together for the night’s rest, just like they did during the simulation.

It had become apparent that everyone had actually scooted even closer to each other than they ever had before, while also taking full advantage of the extra pillows, blankets and two guest mattresses on the floor that everyone had helped drag into the living room.

Dr Coomer and Bubby had been previously fast asleep on the couch, wrapped in blankets and holding onto each other. Tommy, Darnold and Sunkist were still curled up on the mattresses among pillows and blankets, with Benrey on the bean chair between them and the couch. Gman had nodded off in one of the armchairs on the other side of the table in the middle, arms crossed, head slightly leaning to the side.    

Looking over the peacefully resting forms of his friends, Gordon smiled softly.

He had the suspicion that none of them had known true rest and safety in a long time, as he recalled everyone’s words on their imprisonment in Black Mesa.

Which… truly seemed to have been just that. Imprisonment.

Gordon didn’t know enough yet to understand what that entailed… but he knew what prolonged stress and exhaustion did to people. And frankly… all of them showed clear signs of each, even if most of them were not human.

Maybe with time, they’d lessen.

Gordon closed his eyes for a moment, focusing on the feeling of the blanket around him and the wind messing slightly with his long hair.

He jumped, eyes wide open, as he suddenly realized that he had absentmindedly started to scratch on his arm again. His wounded arm.

He had managed to keep his old habit of scratching at wounds under control when everyone had been awake… but now it proved to be more difficult.

Furrowing his brows, he stared at the arm - his unharmed hand running over the skin and applying pressure to soothe the strained muscles somewhat.

He hadn’t asked before, but he had a suspicion why one person from the simulation was missing.

“... Gordon?”

Gordon was startled out of his thoughts once more, blinking himself a bit more awake and focused. He was instantly faced with the worried and guilty look on Dr Coomer’s face.

“We’re going to get Forzen for taking your arm. That’s a promise.”, Bubby said with clear determination in voice, brows furrowed as he continued to stare into the night.

“So… it was Forzen who took m-my arm...”, Gordon managed to force out..

Dr Coomer gave Gordon a nod.

“He had favoured working for Black Mesa as part of their “military”, despite being in the same boat as all of us.”

Gordon remained silent, letting Dr Coomer talk, while he himself focused on listening.

“I can not hold it against him. All of us have done things we regret with the slight hope of escaping-”

“Dr Coomer, I don’t hold the clones against you-”

“You should, Gordon. No matter the reason behind my desperation... it was cruel of me. Nothing I could say validates my choice of attempting to harm you for a minuscule glimpse at freedom.”

“...”

“What I can say though wholeheartedly, is that I am sorry. You promised to get us out from the start… and I didn’t believe you. I was a fool. I think… all of us were at different times. We had never met someone who kept their selfless promises, you see...”

Dr Coomer wrung his hands in thought.

“Maybe that’s why Forzen didn’t even consider questioning harming you for Black Mesa’s sake.”

“For Black Mesa’s sake? But-”

Bubby turned his head towards them, squinting slightly-

“Didn’t you listen? The military in the simulation belonged to Black Mesa. Of course, everything the military did would be orchestrated by them. Though… I will take the blame for letting you get into harm's way like that in the first place. Not fully! But… you know...”

Gordon watched as Dr Coomer reached out to hold one of Bubby’s hands. He let out a sigh.

“I… I get it. And thank you for saying that, Bubby. That actually means a lot to me -”

Bubby nodded, but once again avoided looking at Gordon directly.

“- I guess it does all come down to you all not trusting me… which… yeah, absolutely makes sense. I don’t think I would have trusted a random programmer dude either, had I been in your situation...”

Gordon pulled his blanket tighter around himself.

“... I am just… like I said, I don’t mind all the shit I saw in the simulation that much… but what happened to my fucking arm? That- that... ”, he stammered out, feeling his grip on his stump tighten once more- “That… hurts. It terrifies me. I had a lot of injuries in my life but… this t-takes the fucking cake. E-Even if I am not in pain right now, thanks to the layer of Sweet Voice on it...”

“But my mention of sleep stands. You do need to rest regardless, Gordon. Now even more so than before”, Dr Coomer tried to reason, resting a hand on Gordon’s shoulder- “I hate to be somewhat overbearing with insisting on this but I worry about your wellbeing. We all do.”

Gordon felt Bubby’s free hand rest on his other shoulder mere seconds later.

“At least lay down and rest your fucking eyes, dingus. We’ll still be there when you wake up. And… I will not roll you off your spot like a barrel to wake you up... I promise.”, the scientist said, an awkward but apologetic look on his face.

Despite the heavy topics of the past few minutes, Gordon let out a deep chuckle.

“Don’t think I won’t ever do it again though! I will have you know that I absolutely will not resist the urge, once you’re back to your normal health levels! Everyone needs to get vibe-checked from time to time!”, Bubby stated and gave Gordon a last gentle pat on the shoulder before opening the balcony door for the three of them.

Having Bubby walk ahead to help him to his previous spot on his armchair, while Dr Coomer had a hand on Gordon’s back to keep him steady - it filled Gordon’s heart with a warm feeling of safety.

Maybe all that mattered right now, was that his friends actively tried to make things right, one small step after another... on their collective way to healing.

#hlvrai #hlvrai gordon #hlvrai bubby #hlvrai coomer #metalhead gordon au #metalhead gordon #mention of the others (they be snoozing while Gordon; Coomer & Bubby talk) #This took me forever to write bc I wanted to get the mood right #fanfic #fanfics

[helloalycia]

too much love [two] // kara danvers

summary: Kara comes round and has to face the after effects of the red kryptonite.

warning/s: none.

part one | masterlist

THIRD PERSON POV

          After forcibly being given the antidote to cure Kara's exposure of Red Kryptonite, the blonde was now in an unconscious state at the DEO, where her sister, Alex, was awaiting her return.

         Seeing her sister connected to the wires, laying there unconscious, wearing a suit that only connoted violence and evil... Alex felt pity for Kara. She knew that Kara would wake up and feel terrible. What she did as Supergirl and as Kara whilst being controlled by the Red Kryptonite wasn't even explainable. She had hurt people, both physically and mentally. It was almost impossible to repair the damage, but they would find a way.

         First, she needed to wake up.

         After a few hours of playing the waiting game, Alex finally saw slight movement coming from her sister's arms, and suddenly, the blonde's eyes shot open and she was panting hysterically, as if every breath she took would be her last.

         "Kara!"

         Alex rushed to her sister's side, only to see her face scrunched up with pain, and tears running down her face.

         "Did– did I kill anyone?" Kara asked shakily through her tears.

         Alex shook her head. "No... no, you didn't kill anyone."

         Kara closed her eyes tightly, making more tears fall out, but she didn't care. Every memory of her under the influence was burned into her mind. It was as if she was there, watching from another perspective. She couldn't take control, only sit back and watch as she hurt the people she loved the most.

         "Y/N," she breathed out, opening her eyes and widening them as she realised what had happened with their encounter. More tears rushed down her cheeks as she looked to her sister, shaking her head desperately. "No, I didn't mean it, Alex. I– I didn't mean it."

         Alex furrowed her eyebrows, not knowing that Kara had spoken to her girlfriend whilst under the influence. "What was it, Kara? What happened?"

         Kara, still in hysterics, could only see the saddened expression of her girlfriend in her mind. "I didn't mean to," she said, her voice hoarse and whiny because she was crying at the same time. "Every bad thought I ever had... it just came to the surface. I couldn't stop it. I tried, but–"

         She stopped speaking when she remembered every terrible thing she uttered Y/N's way. Every comment, every laugh, every smirk.

         "I almost hurt her," she said, her voice cracking as she remembered her actions before she left. "I didn't–" but she couldn't finish speaking because she was too ashamed with her own actions.

         "She knows you're Supergirl," Alex stated, picking up on Kara's words.

         Kara nodded lamely, shutting her eyes because they were too blurry with tears. "She hates me. I hurt her. I almost killed her. I– I– I–"

         "Hey, hey, ssshhh," Alex comforted her sister, pulling her into a hug. "We're going to fix this. We'll explain. Everything will be okay. I promise."

         Kara was shaking in her sister's arms, and tried so hard to believe her words. "I need her. I can't let her go."

         Alex kissed the top of her head as she squeezed her comfortingly. "You won't have to. I won't let you..."

***

YOUR POV

         The television was on. Some comedy, I presumed, because of the occasional laugh I would hear coming from the speakers. But I wasn't really paying attention. My eyes were there, and I saw what was happening, but my mind was elsewhere. Kara, to be exact.

         Or was it Supergirl now?

         All over the news she was. 'Supergirl gone rogue', 'National City's Own Enemy', 'No More Supergirl', and many more. She had practically caused a city-spread chaos. Terrorised Cat Grant herself. Made everyone fear her because of the powers and things she was capable of.

         Something was wrong with her. Something had happened, and all anyone was doing now was fearing what would happen next. I guessed I was one of them, too.

         Kara Danvers was Supergirl.

         It had taken me a long time to get used to that fact. All night I had been kept awake, replaying the event that took place in my apartment. The one involving my heart breaking as the girl I loved walked out of my life last night.

         Now, after running out of tears, I was just sat here on a Saturday morning, wallowing in my own pity. I didn't know who to call for comfort. None of my parents lived here. I had no siblings to confide in. My best friend was Kara, and I didn't even want to imagine what she was doing right now. I couldn't talk to her. See her. She didn't want me, as she made perfectly clear last night.

         I felt lost.

         The vibration of my phone pulled me from my jumbled thoughts, and I saw that I was getting a call from Alex Danvers. Oh, so now she could call me? Probably to bribe me not to tell everyone that I knew Kara was Supergirl. Maybe she didn't trust me either.

         "Alex, I'm not really in the mood to talk now," I grumbled as I accepted her call.

         "I need you to meet me in my apartment, Y/N," she said, ignoring my comment.

         I sighed heavily. "Alex, I don't want to–"

         "I'll see you in ten minutes," she interrupted, then hung up before I could formulate a response in my mind.

         I rolled my eyes and dropped my phone onto my blanket that covered my legs. I had no choice but to listen to the other Danver sister. She could literally knock me out if I didn't go.

         After forcing myself to get ready and whatnot, I soon found myself at Alex's apartment door, knocking unenthusiastically. I wondered what could possibly be so urgent that she needed to drag me out of my apartment on a Saturday morning.

         The door was pulled open and revealed an antsy-looking Alex Danvers. When her eyes met mine, she obviously seemed to have taken in my appearance; red eyes, messy hair, dark circles.

         "Y/N," she breathed out.

         Running a hand through my knotted hair, I said, "Look, if this is about Kara, don't worry. I won't tell anybody that's she's Super– woah!"

         I was yanked inside Alex's apartment before I could finish my sentence, and watched as Alex slammed her front door shut. Turning around to face me, breathing slightly heavier than usual, she shook her head.

         "It wasn't that, but I would certainly appreciate if you didn't let my whole apartment building know about Supergirl's identity," she rushed out.

         I licked my lips, nodding my head with realisation. "Right, yeah. Sorry."

         She nodded and motioned for me to take a seat on her couch. I did so and she followed suit, plonking herself beside me.

         "I called you here to talk about Kara, yes," she confirmed my previous comment. "It's about what happened. Yesterday."

         I sighed, pursing my lips. "There isn't really much to say..."

         Alex kept her eyes trained on mine, but I couldn't look up to meet hers. I didn't want to see the pity in them, or be reminded of yesterday's event.

         "The thing is, Y/N, that wasn't Kara or Supergirl."

         This caught my attention, and I looked up, confusion evident in my expression. "What? What do you mean?"

         She breathed out. "It was Kara, but it wasn't her saying all those things. She was exposed to Red Kryptonite and it changed her. Made her say all these terrible things and do these terrible things. It was the exposure to the Kryptonite that made her do everything she did, not her personally."

         I chewed on the inside of my mouth as I tried to understand what she was saying.

         "Kryptonite is Supergirl's weakness," she elaborated, before shaking her head. "That doesn't matter though. She was badly affected by it. It could have taken over her and made her like that forever if we hadn't found a way to stop it."

         At the mention of Kara being hurt by this Red Kryptonite, I grew worried for her being. She was an alien, so she couldn't get hurt, could she? I felt my insides twist into knots as I thought about the blonde-headed girl. I needed her to be okay.

         "She's sorry for not telling you that she's Supergirl. She had no–"

         "Alex, I honestly don't care that she didn't tell me about her being Supergirl," I stated, before adding, "I care about her wellbeing. How is she? You said you helped her get better. Is she okay? She isn't hurt, right?"

         Alex nodded her head. "She's currently residing at the D.E.O.," she informed me, though my confused expression betrayed how lost I was. Sucking up a deep breath, she said, "I couldn't tell you, but now you know about Kara, I guess I can... I'm a D.E.O. agent for National City's Headquarters. We protect National City from alien threats."

         "And you're keeping Kara there? Who is an alien?" I raised an eyebrow, not understanding.

         Alex bit her lip as she thought to herself, before saying, "It sounds weird, but she's safe there. She's no longer being controlled by the Red Kryptonite."

         I felt slightly better knowing that Kara was safe and okay, but it didn't fully put me to ease.

         "However, she is a little shaken up with everything that happened," Alex continued, making me worry even more than I already was. "She's aware of everything bad she's done, and, well, it's hurt her."

         I frowned, looking down to my fingers which were picking at the thread on my jeans. Kara was the kindest person I'd ever met. She only wanted to help people, which made even more sense now that I knew she was Supergirl. So, I could only imagine how distraught she must have felt to be controlled into doing horrible things, and being unable to fight back.

         "Can I see her?" I asked, looking up to Alex with desperate eyes. "I really need to see if she's okay."

         She seemed ready to give me an excuse as to why I couldn't, but I said, "Please, Alex. I need to see her with my own eyes."

         Unable to decline my request, she nodded hesitantly. "Okay, I guess that's okay. Seeing you might make her feel better..."

***

         "Your sister is an alien, and now your boss is, too," I said to Alex, needing to say it out loud in order to come to terms with it. "I'm at an institute that has aliens in it. Aliens from other planets. Planets that aren't Earth."

         "Yes, yes, yes, and yes," she agreed, before saying, "Now, come on, we're almost there."

         Alex took me to the D.E.O. headquarters as promised, and after convincing her boss J'onn J'onzz, who was also an alien, (though a different one from Kara apparently), to let me stay in this supposed top-secret facility, she was leading me towards Kara's room. If it weren't for the fact that I was insanely worried about the Kryptonian's health right now, I probably would have been amazed at the institution that surrounded me, and all of the cool things it contained.

         "It's here, come on," she said, leading me towards a room that had glass windows all around it. Some of the blinds were closed, but the few that were open allowed me to see through and witness Kara, sat up in her bed and appearing to be pulling at the wires that were connected to her.

         "Uh, Alex...?"

         Before I could ask the Danver sister what on earth Kara was doing, she was already racing forward and into the room. Noting that this wasn't a regular occurrence or expected behaviour, I followed Alex into the room, pausing when I saw Kara.

         She was still in the same odd uniform that she approached me in yesterday, and she was sat up in a bed. Machines were surrounding her bed, and some of the wires leading from the machines were connected to her somehow, except here she was, ripping them out from her arm frantically. Her face was scrunched up with pain and tears were flooding from her red, puffy eyes. She looked so... broken.

         "Kara, what're you doing?!" Alex exclaimed, rushing to her sister's side and pulling her hands away from the wires.

         "I'm s-sorry, Alex," she stumbled out, shaking her head, her eyes trained on her sister's hands which were resting on her own. "I just– I don't deserve to get better. Not after everything– no, I just– I don't."

         She hadn't noticed my presence, and all I could do was watch her sob helplessly, allowing her guilt to take over her. It broke my heart to see her like this; blaming herself, feeling worthless, helpless, useless. This wasn't the Kara I knew.

         "Kara...," I said, making my presence known.

         She quietened down and looked up, and I noticed her glassy blue eyes dull with fatigue, staring back at me. Her mouth opened, as if she had so much to say but nothing would come out, and she raised her hand, pressing on her forehead, trying to force the words out.

         "Y/N," she finally sobbed out, and I couldn't help but go to her side and pull her into a hug.

         Alex stepped back and decided to leave us alone for a moment, allowing me to move in closer, and I felt Kara sink into my embrace, crying into my shoulder. I settled on rubbing her back soothingly, and whispering into her ear.

         "Kara, it's okay, you're okay."

         She shook her head, pulling away. "It's not. Y/N, I'm so sorry. I can't believe I– I said so many horrible things to you and–" she paused, taking a deep shaky breath and tried to stop crying as she spoke. "Y-you didn't deserve that. I was so mean to you. So mean..." she stopped, unable to meet my gaze. All I could do was watch her break down. "I almost–" she stopped again, covering her mouth in shock as if she couldn't believe her own words. "I almost hurt you and I–"

         Tearing up all over again, she couldn't finish her words, and I shook my head, raising my hands to wipe away her tears and cup her face. "Kara, I don't care about that. Any of it. That wasn't you. I only care about your safety. Please, don't feel like you're the one to blame. If wasn't your fault."

         She sniffled, then looked down to her hands guiltily. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you about me being Supergirl. I just couldn't. I didn't want to put you in any danger. I–"

         "No way." I shook my head, making her look up at me with a frown on her face and tears in her eyes. "You're not apologising for that. You don't need to, okay? I don't care about that."

         "But I–"

         "No," I cut her off, pulling her into a hug before she could argue. "I don't– just– just let me hold you, Kara. Please."

         She nodded, and I closed my eyes as I felt her wrap her arms around me. I melted into her embrace and felt extremely thankful that she was okay. She was safe.

         When I pulled away, I took her hand in mine and played with her fingers subconsciously. "Kara, I just want to say something real quick..." She nodded as I tried to think carefully to how I would phrase this. "I don't– well, I'm sorry if– no, I mean, I don't mean to treat you like a kid. I don't mean to baby you. I just, I care too much about you, and I only want you to be safe."

         "Y/N, please don't," she said, her voice breaking as she squeezed my hand. "You know I didn't mean to say those things. I love you so much, I'm sorry, I didn't–"

         "Kara, please don't apologise," I said, meeting her apologetic gaze. "I just really need to say this. I mean, what you said had to have come from somewhere, right?" She opened her mouth, ready to argue, but I said, "It's okay. Just please let me say this. You were kind of right, and I want to make things good between us."

         Sighing sadly, she nodded.

         "I'm sorry I care too much for you," I said, frowning slightly. "I only want you to be safe and healthy and happy and I guess I let that get the best of me sometimes. But now I know you're Supergirl and you can look after yourself, maybe things will be different. I don't know. I just, I want you to know that I care about you so much, and if that gets in the way, please let me know. Promise me that."

         When she didn't respond, I frowned even more. She was just staring at me, and she didn't even look like she was paying attention to my words, making me think that she genuinely disagreed and probably hated me for it.

         "Kara, please answer..." I begged, my voice cracking at the end as I felt my throat close up again.

         Suddenly, she leaned forward and pressed her lips against mine, taking me by surprise. I felt her hand shift up to my neck, holding me carefully as she kissed me with as much passion and love as she could muster right now. I found myself kissing back, tasting the saltiness of her tears in our kiss, and feeling the softness of her lips against mine. Her touch sent a tingling sensation all over my body, and as always, I only fell more and more in love with her.

         When air became an issue for us, we pulled away reluctantly, and when I opened my eyes, I was met with her oceans of blue staring right at me.

         "I'm sorry," she said, her eyes flickering from my lips up to my eyes. "I just love you so much."

         Unable to stop the smile from forming on my face, I said, "I love you, Kara. More than you could ever know."

         I had never felt more accomplished in life than I had right now, when I saw that beautiful smile of hers appear on her once guilt-stricken face.

         God, she was so beautiful.

#kara danvers imagine #kara danvers x reader #kara danvers #melissa benoist #supergirl imagine #supergirl x reader #supergirl

[amphtaminedreams]

We Voted for Murderers

65.2%.

That’s the percentage of people who voted for the Conservative candidate in my constituency, and I feel completely heartbroken. See, things have properly gone to shit. 

If we’re talking numbers?

Local councils estimate the number of people sleeping rough on any given night between 2010 and 2018 has risen from 1,768 to 4,677, a 165% increase. The Trussell Trust, the UK’s largest food bank charity, has reported a 5,146% increase in emergency food parcels being distributed since 2008. An 8% cut in spending per school pupil since 2009. Funding from central government to local government cut by 60% in that same period. £37 billion less spent on working-age social security compared to over a decade ago by 2020. A 90% fall in the number of social homes being built since 2010. A £7,300,000 decrease in funding for women’s shelters between 2011 and 2017. Don’t even get me started on the government’s treatment of the NHS.

I’ve heard stories of individuals applying for PIP due to mental illness being berated about suicide attempts and the likelihood of another as part of a “formal interview” process to see whether they qualify. People collapsing in job centre queues, freezing to death on the streets and the elderly in their homes, suicides whilst on never ending mental healthcare waiting lists. In fact, 17,000 sick and/or disabled individuals have died whilst waiting for PIP payments to come through, and in total, UCL researchers have linked 120,000 deaths to austerity (I’m not going to comment on the irony of my former university that’s notoriously lacklustre when it comes to giving a fuck about the wellbeing of its students publishing this unless...I just did?). 8 years of negligent homicide of the most vulnerable people in our society under the Conservative government and we voted them back in.

So I ask, are people really stupid enough to believe that the politicians responsible for this mess are the ones who are going to fix it just because they make a few characteristically empty promises on TV or does the British public at large really give even less of a fuck about other people than I thought? As in actually not give a fuck about people dying?

I have to tell myself it’s the former. The press’ treatment of Jeremy Corbyn and Labour was scathing. 

Corbyn, a man who has stood by the same principles of fairness, justice, and equality, for the entirety of his career, was criticised by the likes of The Sun, The Daily Mail, and The Telegraph, for being indecisive and a threat to this country whilst Boris Johnson, a man who can barely string a sentence together when he is asked to give a straight answer to something and blocked the release of a report covering Russian interference in British politics, was held up as the one people should put their faith in. 

I know, the press are never going to be completely neutral. But shouldn’t they at least be committed to integrity? And the truth? Isn’t that the WHOLE FUCKING POINT of journalism? I’ve been hearing the phrase “post-truth world” thrown around a lot and it’s probably an indication of my privilege that it was only with this election that I properly understood what that meant; it was found by the NGO First Draft just 2 days before the election, damage way past the point of done, that 88% of the Conservative Party’s Facebook ads (compared to 0% of Labour’s ads) contained misleading information. The repercussions were non-existent. After Boris Johnson’s claim that Jeremy Corbyn wanted to raise corporation and income tax to the highest levels in Europe was publicised, only Channel 4′s Factcheck website published the actual statistics (France, Belgium, Portugal and Greece all have much higher corporation tax rates than Labour’s proposal). Similarly, in many constituencies, the Lib Dems were posting fliers where Labour candidates were, in the previous election, the runner ups to the Conservative candidate, claiming that it was instead THEIR party’s candidate who had the highest chance of unseating the latter. Days before the election, the headline of one of Britain’s most highly circulated papers claimed that a Corbyn government would plunge us into a crisis the likes of which “we haven’t seen the Second World War”, which is kind of wild considering that 130,000 preventable deaths have been linked to austerity under the Conservative government compared to 70,000 civilian deaths in said war. Not that either is good, obviously, and I can’t believe I have to point that out. But then, right-wingers did paint Jeremy Corbyn as a monster for passing up watching the Queen’s Christmas Day speech to volunteer at a homeless shelter, so I thought I’d just cover my back, y’know. 

Shouldn’t there be standards that the media is held to? You know, like not making slanderous statements about some politicians that have no actual basis in fact whilst brushing over the statements of others. Whilst the PM’s father Stanley Johnson was on nation television calling the public illiterate, and Jacob Rees-Mogg was blaming the Grenfell victims deaths on their “lack of common sense”, and Michael Gove was stating that people who needed to use food banks had brought it on themselves because they were not “best able to manage their finances”, it was Jeremy Corbyn who was being called an enemy of the people, accused of trying to plunge us into a “Marxist hell”...I mean, if Denmark and Norway and Finland with some of the highest living standards in the world are “Marxist hell”s  then sure, that’s what he’s doing. But that’s a hell I’m sure a lot of people would find much comfier than a freezing cold pavement. Before Labour had even released their (fully-costed!) manifesto, barefaced lies were being published about how much it would cost and how it would plunge us into trillions of pounds worth of debt, as if it hasn’t increased from £1 trillion to £1.8 trillion in the years since David Cameron took office. Meanwhile, when Labour did publish their manifesto and the Financial Times published a letter signed by 163 prominent economists and academics backing their spending plans? Crickets. Nothing sums it up better than the debate around Jeremy Corbyn’s alleged anti-semitism, discussed ad-nauseam whilst Boris Johnson’s actual racism, islamophobia, misogyny and classism, RIGHT OUT OF THE HORSE’S MOUTH, was completely ignored by most news outlets. 

You know what, maybe people earning £85k just DON’T want to pay an extra £3 in tax a week to make sure children get an education. Maybe everybody IS just as selfish as that one twat on Question Time who got all red in the face over the prospect of having to give up an amount less than the cost of a tub of Ben and Jerrys a week. But if that’s true, this isn’t a country I want to live in at all, or a planet I want to live on, really. I hope it’s not. I hope it’s a case of a need for some kind of collective realisation that the Sun ain’t shit. Merseyside did it. The younger generation are catching on. And look at the results there.

Labour probably couldn’t fulfil ALL of their promises. No political party is perfect. I was told again and again how unrealistic those promises were as if that was enough to make me go ”oh...I guess I’ll vote for 4 more years of people dying in the streets instead”. Yes, in an ideal world, the entire manifesto would be made a reality, but it depended on far too many rich people being good and honest. Let’s be real-the elite will always find a way to avoid paying their fare share on the premise that they “earned it”, as if anybody earns billions by sheer hard work alone and past a certain point, not off other people’s backs. As if there aren’t nurses and teachers and firemen and other public sector workers who don’t put in just as much energy and as many hours and emotional labour as CEOs and business owners and investors. But the point is that Labour under Jeremy Corbyn acknowledged this, and their manifesto aimed to give the power back to the average person, from the vulnerable to the supposedly middle class still struggling to make ends meet, and give them the quality of life they deserve. It was built on the simple premise that the people should use their government, not the other way round, and that everybody deserves the basic human rights of shelter, nutrition, safety and dignity, regardless of their fortune in life. However many of Labour’s policies would actually have been fulfilled, it would’ve been a shift in the right direction. 

Now the election’s been and gone and I’m scared. Already, the narrative is being rewritten by the billionaires in control of this country that a manifesto like the one we saw this year will never sit right with this country, when it is what so many desperately need. The people putting this information out there know the truth: that Labour’s membership trebled in size under Corbyn (more people voted for him than for any Labour leader since Tony Blair), that most of the safe labour seats were lost because of Brexit, and that if the manifesto had been represented accurately, there’s a good chance that Boris Johnson would no longer be our Prime Minister. I’m scared a person like Jeremy Corbyn will never front Labour again. 

Because I do not want a tory painted red who’s friends with Jacob Rees-Mogg behind the scenes, I do not want a war criminal who thinks that bombing innocent people is ever acceptable, I do not want a person who doesn’t see people of colour as part of the working class and indulges in the occasional bit of TERF-ism.

Already, the Conservative party are backpedaling on the few promises they made to increase NHS spending, and I am scared. I am scared for myself, in the event that I need urgent mental health care again, and I am scared for those less privileged than me who don’t have a family to support them, who don't have a roof over their head, who weren’t fortunate enough to be born in a country with relative economic and political stability, who cannot physically go out and work to earn a living. I am worried about the bigots that this election has already emboldened, the Katie Hopkins and the Tommy Robinsons of the world, who think the things that blind luck have graced them with they somehow earned, who pride themselves on ignorance and cruelty and selfishness.

So for now, what can we do? 

Join trade unions. Organise. Write to your MPs. Bring attention to those who are vulnerable. Be vocal with your criticism of the establishment. Call out those in politics for an ego-trip hiding behind “personality”. Do your research. Keep an eye on the numbers. The “it doesn’t matter who you vote for, just vote” sentiment is old, because it does. No “as a feminist, I exercise my right to vote for whoever I want”, because as a feminist, you should care about ALL women, not just the white, middle class, able-bodied ones. 

And if anyone has any more suggestions, let me know. Because I am sick and tired of living under a government who doesn’t give a fuck about the people it’s supposed to protect.

Lauren x

[DISCLAIMER: The photo is not mine. Just devastated and trying to find the words to express it.]

#socialism #labour #politics #british politics #feminism

[buttercupsfrocks]

Another week, another fatphobic shitstorm, Tumblr, this time in the form of an exercise in projected self-loathing courtesy of Torygraph journalist Tanya Gold. You can find it here if you’re curious, or you can just look at the pictures of my bargain Zara ranty pants plissé culottes; either way I’m afraid I’m going to vent.

For those hitherto unfamiliar with Ms Gold, she’s a self-identified fat woman who has previously written about the pervasiveness of fat discrimination and prejudice; the tyranny of fashion and its fixation with excessively thin models; her serial dieting career; and her struggles with bulimia and alcoholism. Consequently I was a mite puzzled to learn she was appalled at Nike’s recent decision to include a plus-sized mannequin in their London flagship store. This they have done in the spirit of “celebrating the diversity and inclusivity of sport” – and presumably to promote that, unlike exclusionary trend led brands such as Sweaty Betty and Lulu Lemon, Nike supplies workout gear to accommodate those of us at the larger end of the bell curve. Much in the manner of the ground breakingly diverse This Girl Can campaign launched four years ago by Sport England, the message is clear enough: encourage as many women as possible to exercise, thereby improving the health of as many women as possible; everybody wins, GIRL POWAH!

It’s not the first time I’ve used the phrase cognitive dissonance on this blog and it certainly won’t be the last. Unfortunately we live in an era where health has become so synonymous with thinness that even a supposedly whipsmart broadsheet journalist can’t discern they are two different things that aren’t mutually exclusive. “The new Nike mannequin is not size 12, which is healthy,” Gold observes, “or even 16 – a hefty weight, yes, but not one to kill a woman. She is immense, gargantuan, vast. She heaves with fat.” Well of course she does. As I’ve noted before those who hate fat people, including fat people who hate themselves, have a tendency to luxuriate in baroque prose when describing adipose tissue. Personally speaking, my fat does a lot of things but heave isn’t generally one of them unless there’s stewed rhubarb involved. But let’s just back-track a second, shall we? Ms Gold herself is a size 16, or was when she shared this heart rending tale of how she was unable to find a single thousand quid frock to accommodate her UK average-sized arse in Prada. But hey, at least she’s not hefty enough to be dying any time soon. That’s something only fatter fat women do, women who heave, not borderline, amateur chubs like her. Man, if there was ever a women for whom Body Positivity – aka Fat Acceptance Lite® – was invented, it’s Tanya fucking Gold. She even employs the eternal whinge of the aspiration-deprived inbetweenie, “where is the body shape between the tiny and the immense, which is where true health lives? Where is the ordinary, medium, contented woman? Where, oh where, is the middle ground?” In other words, “What about Meeeeeeee?!”

While Gold’s got a point in that it can be highly detrimental to a woman’s self esteem to rarely see her body type represented by the media she consumes, Meeeeeeee! is nonetheless catered to by every single non-couture clothing chain in the country. And while having to be forced to buy from lesser emporia might disappoint, (House of Fraser; the horror), imagine being excluded by the entire fucking high street. Then ask yourself, if that were your reality, how you might be expected to know that a mainstream manufacturer caters to your needs if they don’t advertise it? Call me dim if you must but a display featuring a showroom dummy five sizes smaller than I am would not alert me to this fact. Of the offending mannequin she describes as “in every measure obese”, Gold laments, “She cannot run. She is, more likely, pre-diabetic and on her way to a hip replacement”. Hello? She’s made of sodding fibreglass and weighs approximately 25lbs. Unlike the multitude of actual fat human beings who do indeed run, practice team sports, swim, teach yoga, shot-put and weightlift, as well as attend dance and exercise classes, Nike’s blank canvas can’t do bugger all except encourage other fat women to follow suit which somehow, according to Gold’s bizarre convoluted logic, is a one way ticket to a tragic early death. I know; it’s like falling down a rabbit hole of WTFF. No wonder it’s kicked off such a backlash.

I’ve been sparring with concern trolls like Gold for yonks and they invariably trot out the same old lies, either out of fear, spite or sheer pig ignorance. Gold is no exception; the Fat Acceptance Movement, she opines, “says any weight is healthy if it’s yours”. Yeah, no. In actuality the Fat Acceptance Movement is a fifty year old political initiative born of grass roots feminism, that seeks to highlight and challenge weight based prejudice and discrimination – be that in the classroom, the workplace, the doctor’s office, the fashion industry, mainstream media, (an advertising campaign that portrays the public as abject morons and further stigmatises fat people would seem to fit the bill), local or national government, or anywhere else it has the power to negatively impact the lives of those subject to it. Many detractors confuse Fat Acceptance with Health At Every Size which is an internationally recognised, medically supported programme dedicated to the pursuit of healthful habits without a focus on weight loss. It is, for instance, a useful tool for those in recovery for eating disorders. While many Fat Acceptance advocates practice HAES, just as many don’t; likewise there are those involved in HAES who are neither fat nor politicised about fat. 

Gold’s assertion that the War On Obesity® (aka fat people) has been beaten into submission by political correctness is risible, as evidenced by her own poisonous prose, which – pardon my plagiarism – fairly heaves with internalised negative stereotypes: the Fat Acceptance advocate as deluded and self-deceiving; the fat athlete as a myth. We are self piteous, unreliable narrators of our own lived experience; sugar-guzzling runaway trains on a surefire collision with death; we’re narcissistic, (yet self-hating), sick by default, entirely unacquainted with the diseases correlated with obesity, (all incidentally correlated with age and heredity too); in denial about our physical appearance; feckless, and – because no anti-fat screed would be complete without it – lacking in Personal Responsibility. But she would “never want a woman to hate herself for what she finds in the mirror”, perish the thought.

The War on Obesity, despite being ramped up a hundredfold since I was a was first indoctrinated into – and lastingly damaged by – diet culture as an eleven year old child, has not resulted in a healthier populace. Western society is collectively mired up to the lugholes in mass neurosis around issues of food and weight; eating disorders are on the rise across the gender spectrum, in some instances developing in kindergarten, so Gold can fucking bite me with her cod “what about the children?!” shtick. Mental health is a key component of overall wellbeing, and shame is not conducive to mental health. Meanwhile society is getting fatter – along with the wallets of bariatric surgeons and all the other opportunist outfits in "partnership” with the National Obesity Forum, (Canderel, LighterLife, SlimFast, Roche, Glaxo Smith Kline, et al; all organisations whose revenue is dependent on as many people as possible fearing, hating, and being fat).

It’s time to try something else, like recognising that body diversity, along with death and disease, are simple facts of life; that healthful practices are beneficial to all regardless of the size of the body practicing them; and that weight is not an indicator of health or moral character. It also wouldn’t be a bad idea to get to grips with the reams of documentary evidence confirming there is no reliable way to make a body naturally inclined to fatness lastingly thin, and move the fuck forward already. 

I’ll shut up now.

#OOTD #Fatshion #Zara #Got my ranty pants on #Tanya Gold

[radfemetc]

(The article is behind a paywall so I’m putting it here. You can also register to read 2 free articles a week.)

Inside the clinic rooms of the Tavistock, the private heartache of a new generation of “transgender” youngsters is being laid bare. There used to be about 50 referrals a year, mainly males with a history of gender issues.

Now there are thousands of young females reporting a sudden gender crisis for the first time. Many are convinced that transition — and the powerful drugs that make it happen — will be the solution to their problems.

Until now the specialists struggling to keep up with caseloads have stayed silent, but alarm over the number of adolescents being prescribed body-altering drugs, has prompted five former clinicians to speak out for the first time.

All five have resigned from the Gender Identity Development Service (GIDS) in the past three years as a matter of conscience.

“This experimental treatment is being done not only on children, but very vulnerable children, who have experienced mental health difficulties, abuse, family trauma, but sometimes those [other factors] just get whitewashed,” one female clinician said. “If someone was suggesting plastic surgery or any other permanent change we’d be saying, hang on a minute.”

The clinicians have warned that complex histories and adolescent confusion over possible homosexuality are being ignored in the rush to accept and celebrate every young person’s new transgender identity.

Clinical psychologists carry out each initial assessment at the Tavistock. They are the gatekeepers who decide whether to refer transgender youngsters to the endocrine clinic for the next stage of treatment. Therapists once had months to work through underlying issues before making decisions on medical intervention, but the clinicians claim that young people are now routinely referred for hormone therapy after as few as three hour-long sessions.

They believe that physically healthy children are being medicated in response to pressure from transgender lobby groups and parental anxieties.

So many potentially gay children were being sent down the pathway to change gender, two of the clinicians said there was a dark joke among staff that “there would be no gay people left”.

“It feels like conversion therapy for gay children,” one male clinician said. “I frequently had cases where people started identifying as trans after months of horrendous bullying for being gay,” he told The Times.

“Young lesbians considered at the bottom of the heap suddenly found they were really popular when they said they were trans.”

Another female clinician said: “We heard a lot of homophobia which we felt nobody was challenging. A lot of the girls would come in and say, ‘I’m not a lesbian. I fell in love with my best girl friend but then I went online and realised I’m not a lesbian, I’m a boy. Phew.’”

The specialists expressed concern at how little confusion over sexuality was explored when a young person requested treatment to change their body.

“I would ask who they wanted to have relationships with, but I was told by senior management that gender is completely separate to sex,” a third female clinician said. “I couldn’t get on board with that, because it isn’t. Some people were transitioning their gender to match their sexuality.”

The service said it was “a welcoming place for people from all sections of the LGBT community”, adding that it had made exploration of sexuality a “more explicit” part of the assessment in response to staff concerns.

Nevertheless, the clinician said that her unease grew after meeting an adult woman whose transition to become a man involved having a double mastectomy. She had since changed her mind.

“What can we do? We can’t reverse that. Do we suggest fake breasts?” she said. “We have such a duty of care to these confused young adolescents, but I think we are failing them.”

The clinic rejected the claims. “We always place a young person’s wellbeing at the centre of our work,” it said. “GIDS staff are engaged daily in thinking about the serious ethical dimensions of our practice. The diversity and complexity of individual cases will always be respected.”

Several clinicians suspected that some of the “transgender” adolescents were reacting to homophobia at home.

“For some families, it was easier to say, this is a medical problem, ‘here’s my child, please fix them!’ than dealing with a young, gay kid,” the third female clinician said. At the service’s “family days”, a parent was allegedly heard saying that they did not want their child to have gay friends because they “didn’t want them mixed up in that hedonistic lifestyle”. “It is converting people into heterosexuals,” one of the clinicians said. “We had so many families who would talk about not wanting their daughters to be lesbian.” Young people “repeatedly” confided their own “disgust” that they may be gay, according to the clinician.

In other cases, she felt young people had concluded they were trans because they didn’t fit traditional gender roles.

“Children’s bodies are being damaged in order to treat societal issues,” she warned. She recalled a case of a 13-year-old child “whose parents were really pressurising us for puberty blockers”. When the clinician refused to refer him, she claims one of the parents, a lawyer, wrote threatening legal letters to the service. The child was eventually referred for blockers.

She would have nightmares about her years at the Tavistock. “I would talk about it as an ‘atrocity’. I know that sounds quite strong, but it felt as if we were part of something that people would look back on in the future, and ask, what were we thinking? In the future I think there will be lots and lots of de-transitioners who feel their bodies were mutilated as young people and who will ask, why did you let me do this? It is very disturbing.”

Studies show that the vast majority of youngsters who begin puberty blockers go on to have irreversible hormone treatment at 16. Some go on to have gender reassignment surgery as adults.

All five clinicians expressed concern over how little young people and their families were being told about the impact of hormone treatment on fertility and sexual function as adults. One claimed young people were unable to give “informed consent” because it was regarded as taboo to discuss the impact of medical intervention on later sexual function in such a young cohort.

The clinic said there were no “taboo” subjects in its work, and that it did not “recognise this allegation as reflecting what happens in the service”. It rejected allegations of conversion therapy and insisted that youngsters were being properly advised on the risks of and about what is unknown about medical intervention. Time and care was taken at every stage to ensure that individuals grasped the potential consequences of their choices, it said, adding that the service had become “increasingly aware” of the need to discuss the impact of treatment on future sexual function.

The GIDS’s own internal review identified procedures around consent as an area of concern. It has recommended that written consent should be obtained before referral for blockers.

Another clinician described how youngsters entered his room enthusing about Alex Bertie, a transgender YouTuber, and My Life: I Am Leo, a documentary about a transgender teen broadcast in a teatime slot on CBBC.

“These are very simplified stories about how easy it would be to transition into being trans. . . that transition is a solution to feeling shit. That is very appealing to lots of teenagers,” the first male clinician said. I felt for the last two years what kept me in the job was the sense there was a huge number of children in danger and I was there to protect them from the service, from the inside.”

One female clinician estimates that she referred about 50 young people for puberty blockers. She now believes she referred too many. Their outcomes remain unclear. “When you start them on puberty blockers, you’re putting them on a pathway that could lead to sexual dysfunction problems and, for the younger kids, will definitely make them infertile. In what other specialism would physical intervention that leads to permanent change to the body be the first line of treatment for a vulnerable child? Activists will tell you it’s unethical not to intervene. But we know that not everyone with gender dysphoria will go on to identify as trans for the rest of their lives.”

One case has haunted her. “All the pushing was coming from the father to put the kid on puberty blockers. Thinking back on it now, I fear that the father was a paedophile and the child was being abused.” There is no suggestion the service knowingly ignored the case, and the outcome is unknown.

The clinic, which is run by the Tavistock and Portman Foundation Trust and whose director is Polly Carmichael, says it is tracking the progress of 44 young people who began puberty blockers in 2011, and that all available evidence is discussed with families. “This is a rapidly developing field and psychosocial and medical professionals are working hard to ensure that we respond to emerging evidence in an appropriate and considered way,” a spokesman said. The growing body of international evidence showed that “thus far, there is little reported evidence of harm,” he added.

“The service undertakes careful assessments over time and continues to see young people whether or not they attend the endocrine clinic following this assessment,” the spokesman said.

The clinic said it was aware of concerns and tensions between different perspectives raised by staff and “clinicians have a duty of care to raise safeguarding concerns”, adding that there were “safe spaces” and structures in place for staff to discuss anything that worried them. It would not comment on specific cases but stressed that a young person’s motivations and choices were discussed at each step.

What began in 1989 as a specialist clinic for gender issues is now under intense scrutiny. A report by David Bell, a former governor at the trust, revealed ethical concerns over “woefully inadequate care”. Staff were furious with the GIDS executive’s response to the report, which stated that its own review found no safeguarding concerns.

The whole service should have been halted when the number of “transgender” cases first exploded, one of the clinicians said. “That’s the point we should have stopped because we didn’t know what we were doing. Are we a service for kids with gender dysphoria, a medical disorder? Or are we a service for ‘transgender kids’?”

A GIDS spokesman said: “We are aware of tensions between different perspectives. These differences are inevitable in such complex work.”

One clinician said it was understandable if her former employer was defensive, saying: “If they are getting it wrong, you have to ask, are they making kids infertile by mistake? Because if they are to truly acknowledge [our concerns], then they will have to ask themselves, what the f*** have we done to thousands of children?”

Gires, GI and Mermaids all denied they viewed transition as a cure-all or that they exerted any undue pressure. Susie Green of Mermaids said the charity “does not encourage parents to demand any particular treatment.” Gendered Intelligence said the allegations against it were “unfounded”. Bernard Reed, founder of Gires, said: “In medical literature . . . failure to provide timely treatment is described as ‘psychological torture’. As far as we are aware, GIDS has adequate safeguards against irreversible treatments being given inappropriately.”

(Emphasis mine.)

#transing children #homophobia #lesbophobia #gender identity #sex not gender #gay children #resources #članak #gender roles #regressive progressives #child abuse #conversion therapy

[a-room-of-my-own]

Inside the clinic rooms of the Tavistock, the private heartache of a new generation of “transgender” youngsters is being laid bare. There used to be about 50 referrals a year, mainly males with a history of gender issues.

Now there are thousands of young females reporting a sudden gender crisis for the first time. Many are convinced that transition — and the powerful drugs that make it happen — will be the solution to their problems.

Until now the specialists struggling to keep up with caseloads have stayed silent, but alarm over the number of adolescents being prescribed body-altering drugs, has prompted five former clinicians to speak out for the first time.

All five have resigned from the Gender Identity Development Service (GIDS) in the past three years as a matter of conscience.

“This experimental treatment is being done not only on children, but very vulnerable children, who have experienced mental health difficulties, abuse, family trauma, but sometimes those [other factors] just get whitewashed,” one female clinician said. “If someone was suggesting plastic surgery or any other permanent change we’d be saying, hang on a minute.”

The clinicians have warned that complex histories and adolescent confusion over possible homosexuality are being ignored in the rush to accept and celebrate every young person’s new transgender identity.

Clinical psychologists carry out each initial assessment at the Tavistock. They are the gatekeepers who decide whether to refer transgender youngsters to the endocrine clinic for the next stage of treatment. Therapists once had months to work through underlying issues before making decisions on medical intervention, but the clinicians claim that young people are now routinely referred for hormone therapy after as few as three hour-long sessions.

They believe that physically healthy children are being medicated in response to pressure from transgender lobby groups and parental anxieties.

So many potentially gay children were being sent down the pathway to change gender, two of the clinicians said there was a dark joke among staff that “there would be no gay people left”.

“It feels like conversion therapy for gay children,” one male clinician said. “I frequently had cases where people started identifying as trans after months of horrendous bullying for being gay,” he told The Times.

“Young lesbians considered at the bottom of the heap suddenly found they were really popular when they said they were trans.”

Another female clinician said: “We heard a lot of homophobia which we felt nobody was challenging. A lot of the girls would come in and say, ‘I’m not a lesbian. I fell in love with my best girl friend but then I went online and realised I’m not a lesbian, I’m a boy. Phew.’”

The specialists expressed concern at how little confusion over sexuality was explored when a young person requested treatment to change their body.

“I would ask who they wanted to have relationships with, but I was told by senior management that gender is completely separate to sex,” a third female clinician said. “I couldn’t get on board with that, because it isn’t. Some people were transitioning their gender to match their sexuality.”

The service said it was “a welcoming place for people from all sections of the LGBT community”, adding that it had made exploration of sexuality a “more explicit” part of the assessment in response to staff concerns.

Nevertheless, the clinician said that her unease grew after meeting an adult woman whose transition to become a man involved having a double mastectomy. She had since changed her mind.

“What can we do? We can’t reverse that. Do we suggest fake breasts?” she said. “We have such a duty of care to these confused young adolescents, but I think we are failing them.”

The clinic rejected the claims. “We always place a young person’s wellbeing at the centre of our work,” it said. “GIDS staff are engaged daily in thinking about the serious ethical dimensions of our practice. The diversity and complexity of individual cases will always be respected.”

Several clinicians suspected that some of the “transgender” adolescents were reacting to homophobia at home.

“For some families, it was easier to say, this is a medical problem, ‘here’s my child, please fix them!’ than dealing with a young, gay kid,” the third female clinician said. At the service’s “family days”, a parent was allegedly heard saying that they did not want their child to have gay friends because they “didn’t want them mixed up in that hedonistic lifestyle”. “It is converting people into heterosexuals,” one of the clinicians said. “We had so many families who would talk about not wanting their daughters to be lesbian.” Young people “repeatedly” confided their own “disgust” that they may be gay, according to the clinician.

In other cases, she felt young people had concluded they were trans because they didn’t fit traditional gender roles.

“Children’s bodies are being damaged in order to treat societal issues,” she warned. She recalled a case of a 13-year-old child “whose parents were really pressurising us for puberty blockers”. When the clinician refused to refer him, she claims one of the parents, a lawyer, wrote threatening legal letters to the service. The child was eventually referred for blockers.

She would have nightmares about her years at the Tavistock. “I would talk about it as an ‘atrocity’. I know that sounds quite strong, but it felt as if we were part of something that people would look back on in the future, and ask, what were we thinking? In the future I think there will be lots and lots of de-transitioners who feel their bodies were mutilated as young people and who will ask, why did you let me do this? It is very disturbing.”

Studies show that the vast majority of youngsters who begin puberty blockers go on to have irreversible hormone treatment at 16. Some go on to have gender reassignment surgery as adults.

All five clinicians expressed concern over how little young people and their families were being told about the impact of hormone treatment on fertility and sexual function as adults. One claimed young people were unable to give “informed consent” because it was regarded as taboo to discuss the impact of medical intervention on later sexual function in such a young cohort.

The clinic said there were no “taboo” subjects in its work, and that it did not “recognise this allegation as reflecting what happens in the service”. It rejected allegations of conversion therapy and insisted that youngsters were being properly advised on the risks of and about what is unknown about medical intervention. Time and care was taken at every stage to ensure that individuals grasped the potential consequences of their choices, it said, adding that the service had become “increasingly aware” of the need to discuss the impact of treatment on future sexual function.

The GIDS’s own internal review identified procedures around consent as an area of concern. It has recommended that written consent should be obtained before referral for blockers.

Another clinician described how youngsters entered his room enthusing about Alex Bertie, a transgender YouTuber, and My Life: I Am Leo, a documentary about a transgender teen broadcast in a teatime slot on CBBC.

“These are very simplified stories about how easy it would be to transition into being trans. . . that transition is a solution to feeling shit. That is very appealing to lots of teenagers,” the first male clinician said. I felt for the last two years what kept me in the job was the sense there was a huge number of children in danger and I was there to protect them from the service, from the inside.”

One female clinician estimates that she referred about 50 young people for puberty blockers. She now believes she referred too many. Their outcomes remain unclear. “When you start them on puberty blockers, you’re putting them on a pathway that could lead to sexual dysfunction problems and, for the younger kids, will definitely make them infertile. In what other specialism would physical intervention that leads to permanent change to the body be the first line of treatment for a vulnerable child? Activists will tell you it’s unethical not to intervene. But we know that not everyone with gender dysphoria will go on to identify as trans for the rest of their lives.”

One case has haunted her. “All the pushing was coming from the father to put the kid on puberty blockers. Thinking back on it now, I fear that the father was a paedophile and the child was being abused.” There is no suggestion the service knowingly ignored the case, and the outcome is unknown.

The clinic, which is run by the Tavistock and Portman Foundation Trust and whose director is Polly Carmichael, says it is tracking the progress of 44 young people who began puberty blockers in 2011, and that all available evidence is discussed with families. “This is a rapidly developing field and psychosocial and medical professionals are working hard to ensure that we respond to emerging evidence in an appropriate and considered way,” a spokesman said. The growing body of international evidence showed that “thus far, there is little reported evidence of harm,” he added.

“The service undertakes careful assessments over time and continues to see young people whether or not they attend the endocrine clinic following this assessment,” the spokesman said.

The clinic said it was aware of concerns and tensions between different perspectives raised by staff and “clinicians have a duty of care to raise safeguarding concerns”, adding that there were “safe spaces” and structures in place for staff to discuss anything that worried them. It would not comment on specific cases but stressed that a young person’s motivations and choices were discussed at each step.

What began in 1989 as a specialist clinic for gender issues is now under intense scrutiny. A report by David Bell, a former governor at the trust, revealed ethical concerns over “woefully inadequate care”. Staff were furious with the GIDS executive’s response to the report, which stated that its own review found no safeguarding concerns.

The whole service should have been halted when the number of “transgender” cases first exploded, one of the clinicians said. “That’s the point we should have stopped because we didn’t know what we were doing. Are we a service for kids with gender dysphoria, a medical disorder? Or are we a service for ‘transgender kids’?”

A GIDS spokesman said: “We are aware of tensions between different perspectives. These differences are inevitable in such complex work.”

One clinician said it was understandable if her former employer was defensive, saying:

“If they are getting it wrong, you have to ask, are they making kids infertile by mistake? Because if they are to truly acknowledge [our concerns], then they will have to ask themselves, what the f*** have we done to thousands of children?”

Gires, GI and Mermaids all denied they viewed transition as a cure-all or that they exerted any undue pressure. Susie Green of Mermaids said the charity “does not encourage parents to demand any particular treatment.” Gendered Intelligence said the allegations against it were “unfounded”. Bernard Reed, founder of Gires, said: “In medical literature . . . failure to provide timely treatment is described as ‘psychological torture’. As far as we are aware, GIDS has adequate safeguards against irreversible treatments being given inappropriately.”

#transgender #transgender children #homophobia #conversion therapy #gender critical #Child abuse #Forced sterilization

[danimosher24-blog]

Health Benefits from the Sun

Is Sunlight Good for one’s Health?

           Sunlight and Health

 Sunlight is one of the worlds gifts that if used properly can better ones physical and emotional health. Putting sunscreen on is a pain and is not something most people enjoy, but would you do it to spend more time outdoors and reduce your risks of cancers, bone diseases and depression? The sun has a reputation to be damaging to someone’s health and while this is true, there are also great benefits that come from sunlight and UV (ultra violet) rays that can outweigh the damage done. Illnesses proven to be caused by sunlight and sun exposure are less severe compared to those that have evidence proving that sunlight reduces their risks. Over the years, science has greatly evolved and one thing that seems to be continuously changing is people’s perspective on the sun and how it affects people’s health or wellbeing. There has been a constant of skin cancer, the inevitable sun induced disease, yet there is a strong influx of new information that sunlight contributes in preventing risks of other cancers as well as the production of vitamin D, an essential vitamin in bone health. The sun is a blessing, but don’t take too much or you will get burned.

Risks Associated with Sunlight

           When thinking about the sun and health it is natural for people in this day and age to think about some of the well-known negatives such as skin cancer or simply the damage that UV rays can cause. There is no hiding the fact that the UV rays of the sun are harmful to skin; they penetrate the skin and “can contribute to skin cancer indirectly via generation of DNA (deoxyribonucleic acid)-damaging molecules.” (Mead, 2008) There is a chemical reaction that occurs when the ultra violet rays from the sun hit your skin and there is potential that it creates what is called hydroxyl and oxygen radicals which are both known causes for skin cancer.  Skin cancer, or Melanoma, is a type of cancer most commonly seen as a growth on areas of the skin that are typically not exposed to the sun. Unfortunately, “1 in 5 Americans will develop skin cancer by the age of 70.” (Skin Cancer Foundation, 2019) When it is detected early it can be treated by removing the growth on the skin and being proactive about looking for other abnormalities seen on the skin. If melanoma is left to develop over time it can easily spread to other areas of the body internally; becoming much more serious and potentially leading to death. Similarly, the simple sunburn is also caused by unprotected exposure to the sun rays over a period of time yet is less severe than skin cancer. This being said, too many sunburns and UV ray damage leads to higher chances of developing skin cancer, “having 5 or more sunburns doubles your risk for melanoma.” (Skin Cancer Foundation, 2019)  While skin is the main concern when it comes to sunlight there are also some other factors that have been studied where UV rays “damage collagen fibers, destroy vitamin A in skin, accelerate aging of the skin”; “An estimated 90 percent of skin aging is caused by the sun.”(Mead, 2008) (Skin Cancer Foundation) Luckily there are ways to protect from UV rays through the simple act of putting on sunscreen.  A“sunscreen that offers both UVA and UVB protection with an SPF (sun protective factor) of 15 or higher” will be sufficient in preventing sun damage. It is important to seek shade and wear clothing over your skin to protect inevitable damage that will come from UVA and UVB rays. While I will not discount this information there is also an abundance of benefits that come from sunlight.

      Physical Benefits of Sunlight      

There are many very important advantages that sunlight provides to people’s health not only physically but emotionally as well. Many people are aware of the positive correlation between sunlight and vitamin D. The “exposure to the ultraviolet-B radiation in the sun’s rays causes a person’s skin to create vitamin D. Vitamin D has multiple different health benefits, “low vitamin D levels have been linked to rickets in children and bone wasting diseases like osteoporosis and osteomalacia.” (Nall, 2018) Additionally, “without sufficient vitamin D, bones will not form properly” limiting the lifestyle of an individual immensely. (Mead, 2008) This being said, recent studies have informed us that vitamin D and sunlight are not just good for bones but aid in preventing some cancers that include “colorectal-, prostate-, breast cancer and non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma.” (European Journal of Cancer, 2013) “The evidence that chronic (not intermittent) sun exposure decreases the risk of colorectal-, breast-, prostate cancer and NHL (non-Hodgkins lymphoma) is accumulating and gradually getting stronger.” (European Journal of Cancer, 2013) The prevention from sunlight with colorectal cancer and breast cancer have been particularly positive. The European Journal of Cancer explains that a “lower risk for colorectal cancer was found in women that spent at least one week per year on sunbathing vacations.” In terms of breast cancer, “women who reported less than 30 min outside had significantly higher risks than women who spent more than 2 h outside in daylight.” (European Cancer Journal, 2013)

  Seasonal Affective Disorder   

  Another benefit of sunlight less known by most is the positive ways it affects depression and Seasonal Affective Disorder in particular. Seasonal Affective Disorder is a depression onset by the change of seasons and more specifically the amount of daylight in a 24hour period. Sunlight regulates what is called the circadian rhythm which is essentially a person’s internal alarm clock and tells people when to sleep and when to wake up; a regular circadian rhythm is attributed to keeping people out of depression. When the sun enters your eyes, it sends signals to your brain to stop producing melatonin, a chemical in your brain that tells you to sleep. On the other hand, when indoors for a long period of time your body will begin to produce melatonin without the interaction of sunlight signaling your brain to go to sleep. Along with this is the production of the chemical called serotonin, a mood boosting chemical in your body. Similarly, when UV rays enter your eyes there is a signal sent to your brain to produce serotonin. Low serotonin levels are associated with depression and Seasonal Affective Disorder, therefore the more sunlight and serotonin the happier one will be. Sunlight and time in the sun has various benefits that keep someone healthy.

           Sunlight is Positive

 It is rare to find things in life that are solely positive. There is no discounting the science that proves the damage spending too much time in the sun can have on a person but I believe the benefits of sunlight are substantially larger than the alternative of a lack of sunlight. One may disagree because of the risks skin cancer poses, but this type of cancer is without doubt more preventable than most; “regular daily use of an SPF 15 or higher sunscreen reduces the risk of developing melanoma by 50 percent” and “as a result of increased use of hats, sunscreen, and shade, the incidence of malignant melanoma has begun to plateau in Australia, New Zealand, Canada, and Northern Europe.” (Mead, 2008) (Skin Cancer Foundation, 2019) In addition to this, skin cancers in comparison to the other cancers mentioned, such as colorectal cancer and breast cancer, have a significantly higher survival rate, “the estimated five-year survival rate for patients whose melanoma is detected early is about 98 percent.” (Skin Cancer Foundation, 2019) On the other hand, colorectal is ranked third when it comes to how many people will die from it in a year; severity and chances of survival have to be taken in to consideration.  In the United States alone over one year, approximately 15,000 people will die from skin cancer, 42,260 from breast cancer and 50,260 from colorectal cancer. Three times the amount of people die from breast cancer or colorectal cancer than do from skin cancer.

   Mental Health Benefits of Sunlight       

 Something else to consider when weighing pros and cons of sun exposure would be the benefits seen in mental health and the impact sunlight provides in that area. As mentioned before, sunlight is proven to boost moods and aid people with depression and Seasonal Affective Disorder. Mental illnesses may not be as noticeable on a daily basis but that is not to say depression is not a serious and threatening illness. Every day there are Americans suffering from Seasonal Affective Disorder and other forms of depression that commit suicide. Society should be aware that by effortlessly laying in the sun for a reasonable amount of time they can become happier and absorb all the sun has to offer. It is not hard to just put sunscreen on but it is hard to overcome depression or breast cancer.

          Conclusion

 Initially when thinking about the sun and health affects it could be responsible for, I only saw the negative side of the argument and was unaware of the positive impacts available from sunshine. Spending time outside in the sun no longer has to be only worrying about the negative correlations with the sun and ultraviolet rays; put some sunscreen and a hat on and just be smart! Spending time in the sun is good for your health, vitamin D, cancer prevention, happiness, and the enjoyment of being outdoors. The negatives involving the sun and one’s health cannot be ignored but UVA and UVB rays are not all bad, everything in moderation. The best thing about the sun’s benefits are that they do not require any work, whether sitting in your back yard or on a sunny tropical vacation, the sun will do its job. The sun has a wide spread range of benefits for people’s health preventing deadly diseases every day without people even knowing it.

Reflection

1.     The purpose of this project is to convince readers that a stance you have on a particular argument is the right one. More specifically in my paper the purpose is to convince my readers that the sun is good for people’s health.  This project achieves its purpose by acknowledging the other side of the argument but supporting my side more strongly and giving evidence to prove the points I make.

2.     The audience for this project is people whom don’t often read physical prints such as newspapers or magazines but resort primarily to online sources and would rather look at videos, blogs, websites, ect… This being said they are also an educated audience so information in the project has to be verified and backed up by reliable sources. This being said, the medium I used obviously had to be accessible online so that viewers could access it easily and I wanted it to be viewed by many people for the purpose so that is why I chose to do a blog.

3.     I have used this technology prior to this project so I didn’t have many impressions when it came to how I thought about the medium. I did have a few different options I was looking at using but I decided to use this one because it was easy to navigate given the fact that I had already used it and it did not cost me any money.

4.     The challenges I faced with technology were much smaller than the first time I used this medium because I am now more familiar with it. This being said, putting the pictures in the project with the layout I want still proves to be difficult and it take a while to get them where I want. I overcame this by asking my friend if she knew how to put the pictures in and she showed me how to do it. The easiest part of this technology was putting my actual writing in because I just copy pasted my whole text from Word and then was able to put it in.

5.     One thing that I would like the instructor to know about my project is that before this project I ultimately thought that the sunlight was more deteriorating to someone’s health than it was advantageous. I did not know all of the advantages the sun provided for someone’s health and changed my point of view when I learnt about all of the other factors besides skin cancer.

References

“Account Login.” American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, https://www.theovernight.org/?fuseaction=cms.page&id=1034.

House, Lisa A., and Barry Walton. “The Effectiveness of Light Therapy for College Student Depression.” Journal of College Student Psychotherapy, vol. 32, no. 1, Jan. 2018, pp. 42-52. EBSCOhost, search.ebscohost.com/login.aspx?direct=true&AN=EJ116943&site=eds-live&scope=site.

Isguven, Selin. “How Does Sunscreen Protect You?” Yale Scientific Magazine, Yale Scientific Magazine - Http://Www.yalescientific.org, 9 May 2012, http://www.yalescientific.org/2012/05/how-does-sunscreen-protect-you/.

Liew, Michelle, et al. “The Role of Melatonin and Serotonin in Sleep and How to Increase Them Naturally.” Life Advancer, 4 May 2019, https://www.lifeadvancer.com/melatonin-and-serotonin-sleep/.

          McIntosh, James. “Serotonin: Facts, Uses, SSRIs, and Sources.” Medical News Today, MediLexicon International, 2 Feb. 2018, https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/kc/serotonin-facts-232248.

         Melrose, Sherri. “Seasonal Affective Disorder: An Overview of Assessment and Treatment Approaches.” Depression Research and Treatment, Hindawi Publishing Corporation, 2015, https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4673349/.

Mead, M Nathaniel. “Benefits of Sunlight: a Bright Spot for Human Health.” Environmental Health Perspectives, National Institute of Environmental Health Sciences, Apr. 2008, https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2290997/.

Miller, Michael Craig. “Seasonal Affective Disorder: Bring on the Light.” Harvard Health Blog, 30 Oct. 2015, https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/seasonal-affective-disorder-bring-on-the-light-201212215663

         Peters, Brandon. “Using a Light Box for Phototherapy to Treat Sleep and Depression.” Verywell Health, Verywell Health, 27 July 2019, https://www.verywellhealth.com/light-box-use-for-phototherapy-3015210.

Rhee, Han van der, et al. “Is Prevention of Cancer by Sun Exposure More than Just the Effect of Vitamin D? A Systematic Review of Epidemiological Studies.” European Journal of Cancer, Pergamon, 10 Dec. 2012, https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0959804912008854?via=ihub.

“Seasonal Affective Disorder.” Norman Rosenthal, MD - Author of Super Mind I Transcendental Meditation, https://www.normanrosenthal.com/about/research/seasonal-affective-disorder/.

“Skin Cancer Facts & Statistics.” The Skin Cancer Foundation, https://skincancer.org/skin-cancer-information/skin-cancer-facts/.

Taylor, Julie. “Does Weather Affect Your Mood?” WebMD, WebMD, https://www.webmd.com/balance/features/can-rainy-days-really-get-you-down#1.

         “Unraveling the Sun's Role in Depression.” WebMD, WebMD, 5 Dec. 2002, https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/news/20021205/unraveling-suns-role-in-depression.

[munizjuh]

The Way Forward

by Juliana Muniz

Recovering From The Long-Term Effects Of Bullying

SINCE THE EARLY AGE OF TWO YEARS OLD, Kaelum Buck’s childhood could be described as a sequence of numerous medical challenges, surgeries and complicated recoveries. Yet the impact of these health struggles and uncertainties was not nearly as harmful to his mental health as the bullying he experienced in his early school years. Today, at the age of seventeen, his medical challenges have long since subsided, yet the aftermath of years of bullying have left him with an even greater mental struggle: severe anxiety.

People often think of bullying as “a kid’s problem” or “just something that happens in school”. This perspective trivializes a severe issue that not only has an enormous long- term impact on both the lives of the bully and the victim but also ignores the deep causes and triggers of bullying.

When attempting to combat bullying, it’s common to find yourself asking the question, “who is responsible for dealing with and preventing it?” and “how do we even begin to tackle it?” To answer these questions, first, we need to better understand exactly what bullying is and what causes it.

According to clinical therapist David Haupt, the reason why people bully is most often because they have been bullied themselves. He states, “They battle with low self-worth and therefore try to draw awareness and acceptance from other people through bullying.” He also points that, “It’s expected of children who come from a home where physical or emotional abuse takes place to project that over to other kids.”

For Kaelum it all started in his first year of school. He was initially bullied by one person, but eventually, it turned into a group of five. “To put it the easy way, they would say a lot of mean stuff. It got to a point where my parents had to have a meeting with the school principal to see if there was anything they could do,” he recalls.

In the meeting, the school decided not to expel the encourager and offered to put Kaelum under the protection of the teachers. “So, whether I was in class, at recess, at lunch, when I got to school when I left school, I had to stay with the teachers, for my safety.”

Bullying is common in schools but is not restricted to its perimeter. It can happen on the bus, on the way home, or on the internet. To a large extent, the school has the opportunity to confront bullying, but we need measures that go beyond its walls.

School counsellor Ruth Hodge emphasises that isolating the victim will only create further possible avenues for bullying through ostracism. But for the victim to be free, it is important to approach the aggressor by “using the consequences of bullying as an opportunity for ‘time in’ rehabilitation of behaviour. This is where an adult talks with the bully and journeys through the process of shifting mindsets about that behaviour,” she explains. “Rather than ‘time out’ where a bully is supervised from a distance (such as in detention, suspension, etc., but not engaged with; expected to sit alone and think about what they’ve done, we need to journey with them in order to ensure that the behaviour isn’t repeated.”

Ruth emphasises the need to keep justice in the minds of educators and disciplinary staff. “Justice for the victim looks like freedom to move around without fear of bullying, freedom to find a safe space at school, freedom to continue to connect with students and staff of their choosing, and access to wellbeing support as necessary.”

When isolated under the protection of teachers, Kaelum was technically out of reach for the bullies, but that didn’t prevent him from being attacked out of school. “That actually gave the bullies more of an opportunity to bully.

It got to the point where they would come to my house,” Kaelum says. His neighbours reported several attempts of the group attempting to damage his house and even the family’s car. Kaelum’s isolation at school continued to isolation in his home. “I would go home, off the bus every day, go into my room and just hide. That’s all I could do.”

David Haupt explains that isolation is actually one of the short-term impacts on the life of the victim. “They will often withdraw themselves from their peers and the wider community.” Long-term isolation can lead to anxiety, depression and post-traumatic stress disorder.

At the end of year five, Kaelum was transferred to a new school. Even though he didn’t have to deal with bullying in his new school, he still had to deal with the aftermath of the previous five years. Besides severe anxiety, Kaelum also developed another long-term effect that David describes as, “...that of having difficulty in building trust relationships with other people in their social life... constantly being aware of potential bullying which puts them continually in a state of trauma. Because when you’re having a normal conversation, at any minute it can become a traumatic event.”

Recovering from the deep traumas caused by years of bullying is possible, and since the change of school, Kaelum has continued his long, help-seeking journey. “There are a lot of different resources out there. You can get a lot of different advice on how to move on or how to deal with the after-effects. I’ve been seeing a counsellor. I talk to my pastors at school. I talk to people who are interested in my story, and I have my friends who help me through the anxiety.”

During his journey, Kaelum has also had the support of his family. As he continues the battle toward recovery, he shares his story to bring this discussion one step further to finding a solution and preventing other people from facing the same.

[looselucy]

Fifty six - Dainty

The tattoo place Harry had chosen was a little bit grotty to say the least. It wasn’t what I had imagined for him, really. With all the money he had earnt, I thought he may have chosen one of those highbrow places that looked pristine and expensive, giving the illusion that they weren’t going to charge you for technically damaging your skin. But that place was nothing like that.

It looked as though the floors hadn’t had a good mopping in years, I doubted they had a window cleaner as light could barely even find its way inside through the ever building dirt and dust, and the walls were covered in pictures of tattoos, that I presumed were done there. I looked around at them, seeing the various artwork that people had etched into their bodies. Strange really, how one person can find something so unappealing but to another, it’s worth having it on their bodies for the rest of their lives. I kind of liked that about tattoos, they’re such personal pieces of art. I wondered how people could dislike them so strongly when it was such an intense thing, such a beautiful form of art that could often only be understood by a select few people, maybe only one person. Tattoos are a form of art like no other. They’re there for one person, on one body, and the intimacy of that is something I would always admire. Harry had pressed a buzzer that sounded through the building, so we waited patiently for someone to arrive as I continued to look around at the various pictures that clung to the wall. It was then I spotted one I was particularly fond of. Harry’s tattoo; the heart on his arm. I smiled at the picture, nearing it and really studying it, realising that Harry had clearly been there before, and though it may have looked like a bit of a dive, whoever worked here could certainly produce some beautiful work. “Well, if it isn’t my favourite customer.” A deep ruffled voice caught my attention. I turned to see the man, who looked just as I had pictured him in my head. Long black hair tied into a ponytail that dangled down his back, his beard seemed just as lengthy, coloured with a few grey strands that stood out. He wore a ripped-up denim jacket, basically clothes that looked like they should have been thrown away years ago but the look suited him fantastically. And of course, he was absolutely covered in tattoos. Harry moved to him, and the two men became locked in an intense hug, including the obvious pat on the back and deep manly chuckles, just to toughen up the moment for them. I smiled at the interaction, because it was so incredibly genuine, I could see the two men had a lot of time for each other. It seemed like a friendship to me, rather than Harry just being a customer. The hug came to a friendly end, both of them asking of each other’s wellbeing before they turned around and looked to me, Harry’s hand placed on the man’s shoulder. “Jonny, this is Anna. Anna, Jonny.” He smiled. “Ahh, miss Dainty herself.” Jonny raised his brows. I tried to smile to him, remaining friendly and greeting him appropriately, but that comment had just thrown me and left me confused. I shot Harry a look, but his bashfulness forced his eyes to the floor, unable to look at me as I processed what I had heard. He was getting the tattoo with me in mind. I realised quickly I was being impolite as I tried to brush past the moment, moving to them and reaching out a hand to Jonny. “Nice to meet you.” I shied. “None of this hand-shaking bullshit.” Jonny laughed. “Get in here!” My body collided with his as I was pulled into a tight embrace, shocked and unsure where to place my hands as the man who must have been in his early sixties held me tightly, gently swaying us from side to side as the hug played out. Harry grinned to the floor beside us, and for some reason I could tell this guy’s approval of me meant something to him. “I’ve heard a lot about you.” Jonny pulled from the hug. “All good, I presume.” I spoke to Jonny but focused on Harry. “Too good! If he’s not careful, this guy’s going to have no skin left thanks to you.” I had never seen Harry looking quite so shy as he continued to fixate on the floor and shuffled his feet. But I just continued to stare at him, kind of wanting some answers to the ever-growing amount of questions that were clinging to my brain. “Oh really?” I questioned, turning my gaze to Jonny, the two of us rather smug as we teased him. “Thanks to you, I did one of my favourite pieces I’ve ever done.” He pointed to the picture I had previously been staring at, the heart tattoo of Harry’s. I was completely taken a-back. I had absolutely no idea that tattoo had any reference to me whatsoever. I knew others had. The anchor, the book on his arms, but they were different. Those tattoos were there to cover feelings that I had changed, to alter old emotions that I had transformed. But the heart? Harry had never even implied that I had anything to do with that etching. And dainty? He hadn’t even had that tattooed yet and I was learning that too was because of me. I knew Harry had many stories decorating his skin, all with different meanings. Some didn’t mean much, just silly little pieces that Harry wanted to engrain, but I still couldn’t help but feel like it was momentous that he was getting things to do with me. Of course it was significant. He was scarring himself for life with things that reminded him of me. He was digging me into his skin, and not just mentally. He was physically making sure I was within his skin. I stood completely wordless, and I think Jonny sensed the new atmosphere he had created. “I’ll wait for you upstairs, Styles.” He smiled, removing himself from the room. I practically stormed up to Harry, hitting him on the side as he faked pain, still hardly able to look me in the eye as I gave him a practical death stare, if my eyes could have physically turned into daggers, now would be the time they did. “Harry!” I shot at him. “What?” He cooed shyly. “What are you doing? Why didn’t you tell me?” “Because I knew you would react like this.” He brushed my arms softly with the back of his fingers. “Like what?” “I knew you would freak out!” He shot. “I knew you would be all… practical… and worrying if we broke up and wonder what I would do since the tattoos are for you!” “Can you blame me?” I cried. “Do you plan on breaking up with me?” He raised his brows, half joking, half serious. “You know I don’t.” I breathed. “Then what’s the issue?” “It’s just so... It’s for life.” He placed his palm over my cheek, soft skin on skin faltering my hard exterior and making me breathe him in, loving how soft and gentle he was with me as he gazed into my eyes, green combining with blue and making me weak. I closed my eyes and nudged a little closer to his touch before he spoke. “Honey, aren’t we for life?” “Harry...” I gasped, trying to remain strong. “My tattoos mean so much to me, Anna. And they’re mine. For a while… they felt like the only things that could be mine, y’know? They were the only things I had control over. I dunno if that seems a little foreign to you, but it makes sense to me. You... the tattoos... it all just makes sense in my head. I need you decorated on me. Is that okay?” As much as I wanted to, I couldn’t ignore the feeling in my stomach thanks to his words, thanks to my new knowledge of his tattoos and the meaning behind them. It made me see things a little differently, the way he was so open about them, he saw it as art and feeling rather than permanent scarring. I thought I saw them the same myself, but even I wasn’t quite as open as Harry was. “Dainty?” I questioned next. “It’s my word for you.” “Why?” “I’m not sure. It just feels right, when I think of you.” I pushed up and placed a soft kiss to him, feeling his plump lips press beauty to mine, his hand placing on the small of my back as he held me close. The moment was pretty special for us, it was distinct, I began viewing us like art at that point. I saw us as etchings, faded lines and bold colours creating something that I couldn’t describe as anything other than a masterpiece. As permanent as the work on his skin. The kiss came to a tender end, Harry smiling cheekily down to me as he realised that I had gone passed my stage of panic about his tattoos and I now admired them, admired our relationship. “I love you.” He told me for the millionth time. “I love you too.” I blushed. “Come on.” He nudged his head towards the stairs. “We won’t be here too long, it’s only a small tattoo.” Then my heart spoke on my brains behalf, my mouth not even aware of the words that had stumbled from it until it was too late. “Maybe I should get one.” The look the crossed Harry’s face was almost smug, as well as surprised. I think he enjoyed that he had rubbed off on me so quickly, that suddenly the way he viewed getting his tattoos was transferring to me, and suddenly I wanted one without even having given it too much thought. I just wanted something new on me, something to represent the two of us. I didn’t even know what I wanted to get. But according to the words that had slipped past my lips without a slight bit of hesitation I was going to get one regardless. “Really?” Harry beamed. I shook my head and widened my eyes, stumbling over myself, still in shock by what I had just said. “Apparently.” I shrugged. “I love you more now. If that’s possible.” He grinned.

Couples night. Never in my life did I imagine I would be someone who sat in and had a couples night with a bunch of people I knew. But there we all were, sat on the floor of Harry’s back room, all of us sprawled out over various sheets and cushions with giant pizza boxes in the middle, which Louis had brought as promised. I grinned at the company, stuffing my face even though I had had more than enough. Me and Harry. Louis and Eleanor. Liam and Sophia. Zayn and Perrie. Rachel and Alex. And possibly my favourite couple of the evening, Ed and Niall. They were probably the cutest couple there, let’s not beat around the bush, and they were keeping up the act incredibly so, which was making me laugh no end. I wiped away a few happy tears as I watched Niall feed Ed another slice, Ed faking almost orgasm noises as he took a hefty bite, causing the whole room to burst into laughter once again. Alex had relaxed, thankfully. When he first arrived, I think he was very aware that he spending his evening with a boyband and their girlfriends and I knew he wouldn’t think it was quite his scene, but Alex actually deep down wasn’t half as pretentious as he would like to think, and sooner rather than later he realised the company was actually very decent. He eased to it, and he was chatting to everyone without an issue, and I liked that. Rachel seemed like she couldn’t quite believe she was there, I would catch her glancing round the room and I could just read it in her eyes that she couldn’t quite believe the company. She was having a hard enough time coming to terms with the fact she was with Alex, now she was in a room full of people previously only seen in the internet, and I could see how much that was affecting her poor trembling body. I stared her way until my eyes burned her enough so that she turned to face me, and I playfully stuck my tongue out at her, trying to make her comfortable, because I could tell she wasn’t. A fake smile was sent my way. I shoved the rest of the pizza into my mouth quickly before standing myself up, and reaching a hand down to her. “Come with me.” I smiled. “Where are you going?” Harry questioned. “Christ, Styles!” Louis groaned. “I’m sure she’ll be fine out of your grasp for a minute or so.” I looked down to Harry who was shooting Louis a dark look, not really appreciating the humour, but that only seemed to egg Louis on more. I giggled at Harry, Rachel wearily grabbing my hand a standing up. “Seriously, I think she’ll be okay.” Louis continued. “Shut your mouth, Tomlinson.” Harry shot back. I tittered, taking my glance towards Louis, who shot me a wink. Louis loved to wind Harry up, but the bottom line was Louis understood exactly why Harry was so protective, and all the reasons for it. I liked that he decided to try and be playful about it, and even though he was receiving death stares from Harry I knew it was all in jest really. If anything, I think Harry appreciated it. I pushed Rachel towards the door, leaving us both stood in the garden, the sun finally disappearing as the day met its end. She turned around to face me, looking as though she already knew what I was going to be talking to her about. “You need to chill out.” I smiled. “HAVE YOU SEEN THE PEOPLE WE ARE SAT IN A ROOM WITH?” She cried. “I CAN’T COPE. IT’S TOO MUCH. I CAN’T DO IT.” “They can probably hear you.” I chuckled. “I don’t care!” She whispered that, seeming to prove the opposite of her statement. “It’s fine, Rach, they’re all very nice people.” “I know.” She breathed. “But it’s like too much famousness and attractiveness in one room and I’m having a difficult time dealing with it.” I couldn’t not hug her. I just moved and wrapped my arms around her, still laughing lightly as I did. I hadn’t spent enough time with her, I hadn’t been honest enough with her. The bottom line was, I had missed her. “Love you!” I pulled from the hug. “You’re like... my big sister. I dunno… I guess you’ve been like… the sibling I needed. Nathan died and then... you were in my life. If anything was going to make me believe in fate, it would be that.” I didn’t mean to make her cry, but I did. I was just being as honest as physically possible; I didn’t even really think of how much meaning there was behind my words until I saw her eyes well up and her bottom lip quiver. “You’re my little sister.” She blubbered as the first tear fell. I tried to hug her again but she shook her head and furthered herself from me, probably knowing she could possibly just have a breakdown if I hugged her. It was one of the nicest moments we had shared for a while, our bond seeming to grow even more with the moment of realization that she was like my family. Literally, the moment Luke left my life, she entered it. I felt like there was something deep behind that, and I never really believed in fate, but that really did make me question it. A few moments later, Alex popped his head out of the door, staring at us both. “Don’t mean to go all Styles protective-” He joked. “FUCK YOU!” Harry interrupted from behind. “-but why are you making my girlfriend cry?” He finished. I giggled and signalled to Alex that he should probably comfort her. I made my way back inside as Alex wrapped his arms around Rachel and held her tight, and I closed the door to give them privacy. “What did you do?” Eleanor gasped. “Just let her know that I’m going to die soon.” The only person who laughed was Harry, a loud splatter escaping his mouth as the rest of them just gazed to me with lowered brows. “That was... a joke...” I trailed off. “Obviously not a good one.” As I sat myself back down next to Harry, the rest of the group brushed past the moment and continued chatting merrily between themselves. Harry tucked me under his arm, kissing my cheek and then staying close to get my attention fully. I turned to him, our lips incredibly close and the rest of the room seeming to disappear as we looked into one another’s eyes. “I thought it was funny.” He cocked his eyebrows. “And you have a shit sense of humour, so I feel no better.” I rolled my eyes playfully. Harry reached his and stroked the far side of my ribcage, brushing over the spot gently with his thumb as he just stared at me, love sparkling his eyes. “How’s the tattoo?” He asked tenderly. “A little sore, but okay.” I placed my hand to his ribcage, at the far side of his body. “How’s yours?” “I love it.” He whispered. I bit my lip and smiled, the image of the word dainty marking his body so beautifully just a few inches below his armpit. Mine was in the same place on the left-hand side of my body, his on his right. I couldn’t believe how impulsive I had been, but I definitely didn’t regret it. The tattoo I had gotten was a heart, similar to Harry’s but smaller, the shading was different. But to anyone, really, it looked like we had matching tattoos. We did really, there was no denying, but I loved it of my own accord and for my own reasons, it wasn’t just to do with Harry. “Copycat.” He nudged me, smiling. “Shut up.” I stuck my lip out. “I’m kidding. I love it. I love that you got it.” He placed a soft kiss to my lips, resting his forehead against mine as he pulled away. He looked to me with a lustful paint colouring his features, and it really did feel like we were the only two people there in that room, I had completely forgotten about our company. All there was, was me and Harry. We continued talking between ourselves, unintentionally ignoring the rest of the world. The only thing that took us from our trance was a knocking on Harry’s front door. Obviously attached Harry couldn’t go answer it on his own, dragging me with him as he pushed me towards the front door, only to pull me back to him and wrap his arms around my waist as we waddled over to the door, kissing my neck from behind. I chuckled at his light touches, slowly yanking the door open as Harry lifted his eyes to see his new guest. I didn’t recognise the man ahead of me, but Harry lifted himself from me and just stood staring to the man who smiled his way, shooting his eyes down to me for a second, and then back up to Harry. Before I could begin to question who he was, Harry uttered one word and I knew. “Dad!” He gasped.

#More tomorrow too #definitely #NEED TO GET THIS FINISHED #happy reading!! #AMG56 #1dff

[angstmongertina]

Fictober 2k18: Day 13

Just ignore the days at this point. I’ve given up on catching up. Between still being sick and various other real life things, I’m just gonna work at my own pace, but I’ll try to finish them all. Or get close, at least.

This was inspired by several conversations with friends (namely @seckritlab, @dr-hu0806, and @voidnoodles, I think?) about how Jiyel would just be 10000% done with the week 5 shenanigans because REALLY? A set falling? With some added Zarad/MC because hey, that’s who she romanced and I’m a sucker for romance. :P

Prompt List | Masterpost

13. “Try harder, next time.”

Hands on her hips, Lady Hawthorn examines the remains of the balcony set with distaste. When she first agreed to attend the summit in place of her cousin, she had not agreed to a series of convoluted, and seemingly unrelated, assassination attempts, each one more ludicrous and perhaps less effective than the last.

As the dust from the shattered stone settles, she pulls out her notebook, squinting in the minimal moonlight. The light filtering in is just bright enough that she can find a blank page and start taking notes on the circumstances that have led her to nearly being crushed by a falling set piece, and hypothesize about this new culprit, because new it must be. It’s certainly not Princess Gisette’s style and it lacks the simple elegance of the poisoned letter targeting Jiya.

No. This, whatever it is, must be something else. And very poorly executed, if she is to be honest.

Done with her note-taking—it’s not as if there is much in particular to note, she crosses her arms over her chest, glaring into the darkness. The odds are that whomever is responsible has long-since fled but still. “Try harder, next time.”

There’s no reply, but she doesn’t expect or, really, need one. “Because this? This is just sloppy. First, you assume that I would show up upon reading the note, which is risky in it of itself. Then you assume that nobody else would be here… unless you don’t mind collateral damage or would be willing to attack anyone. Third,” she frowns, almost wishing she had a blackboard to write on, “this whole plot also assumes that I would be too slow-witted to recognize that I was about to be flattened to a pulp, which has clearly failed you.”

Still squinting into the darkness, she shakes her head. “This is not the first time I have been the target of an assassination attempt and, frankly, this may be the worst executed one yet. Even Jiyel schoolchildren could plot something less… fallible than this debacle.”

Before she can continue, a figure nearabout flies into the room and she finds herself engulfed in a tight embrace. When he speaks, his voice, like his breathing, is uncharacteristically shaky. “I feared… I feared I was too late.”

Order is partially restored moments later as he pulls away with a smile that doesn’t quite seem real, but is close enough, given the circumstances. “But I see I shouldn't have worried. You took care of yourself.”

She rolls her eyes. “If you call it that. More like they planned a botched operation in the first place. I mean, this?” She aims a kick at a small piece of rubble. “Hardly foolproof. Presumably, whoever planned this has the entire isle at their disposal. They could have done something much more reliable.”

Zarad chuckles, but it is still somewhat unsteady. “Ah, my sky, as much as I enjoy hearing your sharp tongue aimed at another, I do not believe giving them ideas would be ideal for your wellbeing. Nor mine. It is as if you insist upon giving me gray hairs.”

In spite of herself, she smirks, allowing him to gently draw her aside, both physically and mentally. “Alas, what will happen to your endless conquests if all of your admirers should find out that you have gone prematurely gray?”

Still, that does nothing to deter her from sketching out a few cleverer ideas, just for the mental exercise. After all, no Jiyel lady worth her salt would wish to be defeated by something so… simply unimaginative as a fallen balcony.

#7KPP Zarad #prince zarad #Seven Kingdoms The Princess Problem #7KPP #Tina writes stuff. #Tina plays 7KPP. #Lady Hawthorn of Jiyel

[khesyi]

(via https://open.spotify.com/user/oyelovatz/playlist/0VRBqUyMCbjzVwTL9gzRlk?si=fkMIwZ_bRXaurCyHDODkog)

Here’s the description to go with it - warning, long post and mentions of abusive relationships and depression

Raloxidor Rothenel:

Stutter (Maroon 5): Being with Marrowyn is a whirlwind of emotion, and it’s pretty fucking great, at least at first. Raloxidor’s always loved and cared for her as well as he possibly could, and he’s ecstatic to be in a romantic relationship with her now.

Still Into You (Paramore): Raloxidor has loved Marrowyn for many, many years, despite things not always being so great between them. He always believes things will be alright in the end, because they’re still ‘together’ after all this time.

Bleeding Love (Leona Lewis): It may be cliché, but love really is blind, and this lack of foresight doesn’t go well for Raloxidor. Marrowyn bleeds him dry, leaving him feeling low and unsure of himself. He ignores it, chalking it up to Marrowyn just being the type of person who isn’t good at showing love for lack of affection from her parents as a child.

Far Too Young To Die (Panic! At The Disco): Every kiss feels like their last when Marrowyn continues to leave time and time again, for longer periods of time doing whatever it is she does that she keeps hidden from Raloxidor and her family. Raloxidor worries that one day she won’t come home again.

One More Night (Maroon 5): They fight, a lot. Well, Marrowyn fights, Raloxidor lets her take out whatever issues she has on him. He loves her too much to do anything other than give her love and affection after she hurts him. He thinks maybe he should stand his ground and call her out on her inability to control herself, but then pushes that thought aside in favour of trying to help her.

26 (Paramore): This is what being trapped in a shitty abusive relationship and spiralling into depression feels like. Raloxidor wants to have some hope that things will be alright eventually, but it’s difficult with the way he’s being treated.

Fake Happy (Paramore): Putting on a fake smile to keep his friends from being concerned is something Raloxidor is getting pretty good at doing. If only it worked on himself too. He thought things were finally getting better, and Marrowyn was coming back for good, but as it turns out, her presence made everything worse. She’s becoming more blatantly aggressive and cruel by the day and he doesn’t know where it’s coming from or how to stop it. All he does is stay with her and take it, rationalizing that it’s better he deals with her than anyone else. 

Never Let This Go (Paramore): He doesn’t want to be alone, but he can’t take having her around much longer. It’s a struggle to escape toxicity and come to terms with being alone for once in his life. Marrowyn has changed for the worse, but he just can’t face letting her go.

Wrecking Ball (Miley Cyrus): Sometimes it’s best to let go of the people you think you need the most before they ruin you. Marrowyn wrecked Raloxidor quite badly when she vanished without a word after years of their relationship getting more and more toxic. When he eventually finds her again, he’s back with a vengeance and is unwilling to let her hurt him any more than she already has.

Hard Times (Paramore): He’d really like to see an end to the difficulty he’s having finding Marrowyn again, and finally be able to reunite with her, for whatever that brings. His friends are concerned by the lengths he’s willing to go to find her again. He’s been searching for months, that have become years, that have become decades. 

Over My Head (The Fray): “Everyone knows I’m in over my head, over my head.” Raloxidor wishes he clued in a lot sooner, and that he had listened to everyone who had told him staying with Marrowyn was a terrible idea. As he gets closer to facing her, he realizes how much more there is to her disappearance than he had thought. He learns that they have a son, who’s also hunting her down to right the wrongs she’d done to him. Raloxidor tries to find his son as well as catch and confront Marrowyn, after over 30 years of waiting and tracking.

This Love (Maroon 5): Raloxidor reflects on his relationship with Marrowyn, and how he tried to keep her happy despite never being able to achieve that. He recognizes that she had a lot of sway over him and that he can’t let her pull it off again. He recognizes that their relationship took a major toll on his wellbeing, both physical and mental/emotional. Every subsequent goodbye they shared had him feeling worse and worse, constantly worrying whether she would come back to him or not, when instead he should have been paying attention to how being around her was affecting him. Raloxidor wants to say the final goodbye, and be done with her permanently. It may break his fucking heart, but it has to be done.

Can’t Take Back The Bullet (Hey Violet): Marrowyn can’t take back what she’s done now, not with two men, eyes burning with hurt and betrayal advancing on her with weapons drawn. Raloxidor didn’t expect to meet his son while they were both trying to confront Marrowyn, but now he wouldn’t have had it any other way.  

I Am Here (P!nk): Marrowyn is gone, and Raloxidor finally gets to know his son. Things are really starting to look like they’re gonna turn out alright. Once Marrowyn is dealt with, they embrace, tears streaming down their faces. Both men are feeling a rollercoaster of emotions, and at Raloxidor’s request, they talk at length about everything that lead them to this moment. They both express doubts, worries, and frustrations, but are eager to make up for decades lost to Marrowyn’s poor decisions.

The Great Escape (P!nk): Magnus and Raloxidor are getting good at helping each other cope, and they’re moving past the damage Marrowyn caused. They both have bad days and weeks along the way, but life is slowly and surely getting to a point where they can try to forget the past and look forward to the future.

Modern Day Cain (I DON’T KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME): Renounce your pact or face the Circle, Raloxidor Rothenel.

Lullaby (Sigala ft. Paloma Faith) Raloxidor doubted he’d ever even think about falling in love again. He figured he’d be happy as long as his son was around, but a rather ridiculous drow bard changed that (and this time, it was for the better).

Fast In My Car (Paramore): Things are pretty good again, Raloxidor has a loving husband and son, as well as a tavern to run. He’s made friends with a lot of Circle members, particularly with their leader. He enjoys having constantly having them in the tavern, and is always ready for them to bring the fun to him when he least expects it.

#playlist #dnd character #tw abuse #depression mention #death