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#i'll never play him again and that brings me such grief sometimes

iamfitzwilliamdarcy · 5 days

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ok the evolution of Katniss and having kids post:

Katniss is thinking from the earliest moments of the book how she never wants kids. This is Chapter 1, even before the Reaping, when Gale mentions running away, if they didn't have so many kids, obviously here, he's referencing their siblings, but then this exchange happens:

"I never want to have kids," I say. "I might, if we didn't live here," says Gale. "But you do," I say, irritated. "Forget it," he snaps back.

This is literally page 9 in my copy from the library. Katniss has been thinking about how much they provide for their siblings already and she's also just given us exposition on her own parents-- her grief for her father and her resentment of her mother; it's also setting Gale up as a potential romantic partner, which Katniss readily rejects and is confused by the conversation at all (girly, you brought it up)

Again, in the first book, Katniss thinks she will never have children. This is nearing the end of the games-- it's just her and Peeta and Cato left-- and while Peeta sleeps, she lets herself for the first time think about making it home and what her future would be.

I think of Haymitch with all his money. What did his life become? HE lives alone, no wife or children, most of his waking hours drunk. I don't want to end up like that. 'But you won't be alone,"I whisper to myself. I have my mother and Prim. Well, for the time being. And then... I don't want to think about then, when Prim has grown up, my mother passed away. I know I'll never marry, never risk bringing a child into this world. Because if there's one thing being a victor doesn't guarantee, it's your children's safety. My kids' names would go right into the reaping balls with everyone else's. And I swear I'll never let that happen.

I included the long version and not just the part about never marrying, because Katniss recognizes she risks being alone forever. For her, even though it's terrible, it's better than having a child in this world, a world that is so horrific and threatening. She also automatically links marriage to having kids (as is natural), which complicates her relationships with both Gale and Peeta.

Catching Fire starts with a similar vein, but one Katniss now has to confront-- in order to keep those she loves safe, she will have to marry Peeta and live happily ever after with him. She wonders if President Snow will insist on them having babies, thinks it's likely a child of hers will end up in the arena because Victors' children sometimes do and Gale suspects the drawings are rigged. She reflects again on Haymitch's situation --unmarried, no children, wasted all the time-- and likens it to self-imposed solitary confinement.

Later, we get the fake baby drop, of course, and Katniss, processing, thinks "Isn't it the thing I dreaded most about the wedding, about the future-- the loss of my children to the Games? And it could be true now couldn't it? If I hadn't spent my life building up layers of defenses until I recoil at even the suggestion of marriage or a family"

We're still on the same track, the recognition of her fear of having kids in the world she lives in. Interestingly, I think it's still a loss of her children to the Games, but a less painful one-- nonexistent, possible children that she'll never have.

Peeta later is trying to convince Katniss to be the one of them to survive by talking about her family back home, and when he doesn't mention the pregnancy, she knows he's being sincere. He even mentions Gale and Katniss takes it in a way that means he would be okay if she wanted to be with Gale. He transitions back to playing the Games by telling Katniss, "You're going to make a great mother you know."

Katniss then wonders if it could be more than just a Games manipulation-- "Like a reminder to me that I could still one day have kids with Gale? Well, if thatw as it, it was a mistake. Because for one thing, that was never part of my plan."

It's HERE that we get a bit of a kicker-- she thinks about how of the two of them, Peet is the one who should be a parent. And she imagines his children--

As I drift off, I try to imagine that world, somewhere in the future, with no Games, no Capitol. A place like the meadow in the song I sang to Rue as she died. Where Peeta's child could be safe.

I think it's the first time she's considered the possibility of a safe child, and it has to be Peeta's child. This isn't something she ever imagines about anyone else, even when she thinks about running away with Gale.

Children are a sign of hope, of a possibility of living in a world where they won't be sacrificed on the altars of the Capitol. In Mockingjay, Katniss frequently notes that District 13 has very few children, especially following an illness, and that children appear to be prized -- it's partially why it's hard for her to initially accept that the rebels would bomb children- recklessly, wastefully

But it's the epilogue of Mockingjay, where this all culminates-- where her hope finds fruition. She says "Peeta wanted them so badly," but it takes years for her stop dreaming and start trusting that she's made that world, where her children, where Peeta's children "take the words of the song for granted"

It's a perfect ending, because from the start Katniss has denied herself even the hope of children, develops to thinking maybe that it could be possible one day-- for someone as good as Peeta, and that maybe his children could be safe, at least-- and in the end, his children--her own children--are no longer a hope, but Real.

#the hunger games #katniss everdeen #everlark #long post #thg

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justrainandcoffee · 3 months

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Tell her (Alfie Solomons)

Masterlist

Summary: It's 1964 and Allie, Alfie's daughter, is in his house in Margate to accompany him. Sometimes Alfie is the same as ever and sometimes... "Tell her I miss her," he says. "Tell her it'd be nice to go to the beach together." 'Her' is Rose, his wife. She died the previous year but he forgot about it. For him, Rose is still alive but he can't see her. "Tell her..." He keeps saying and every time Allie's heart breaks a bit more. "I will, dad."

Warnings: Mentions of mental illness (dementia). Angst. Grief. Sadness.

Words: 1.5k

1964.

It's raining in Margate. Actually it's a storm, one of the biggest they could remember.

From the window Allie Solomons could see the fury of the sea. She's now 40 years old, has a daughter, a husband and still has her father. But his health started to deteriorate quickly after his wife's death. Even when her husband suggested to move him to a home, that was out of question for Allie. His father deserved to stay there, he loved that place. And it was full of memories.

The sound of the raindrops knocking the window is the only thing that can be heard among with the music of a Beatles' long-play.

Allie looks at the clock. It's time for his medication.

"Dad?" she asks while she's walking down the stairs. "Dad, I'm going to prepare tea so you can eat something and take your pills. You can rest afterwards."

But Alfie isn't in his armchair as usual. His pipe is on the table and his book is open on the floor.

"Dad?"

Allie's heart is beating fast. Maybe he went to the bathroom. But when she knocks the door there's no answer.

The maid that helps her isn't there because she went to the market so Allie is alone.

"Dad?" she calls again. "Dad!"

Allie sees that the front door is open and her father is out in the rain. He's soaking wet.

"Dad! What the hell are you doing there!" The woman grabs his hand and invites him to get in the house again. "It's raining like hell, you're going to catch the flu."

"Yeah, it's raining."

"Yes, I know. Come with me."

Obedient, he follows his daughter and accepts the help she offers. Allie gives him a dry shirt, towels and a blanket. She puts his chair next to the fireplace, too.

"I'm going to prepare tea, but please dad… don't go outside again."

"I went out just because of her. She's still out! Next to the sea."

"Who? Who's she?"

"What do ya mean who's she?" Alfie looks at his daughter confused. "Your mother, Allie. Rosie… out there in the rain, at the seashore. Tell her to come in, sweetheart."

Allie's thoughts stops at the same time her heart races faster than before.

"I was here, right?" Alfie says "and suddenly I saw her there. I thought she was sleeping but probably woke up and went outside. She always did crazy shit, but I love her. Will ya tell her that I need to talk to her?"

Allie wants to cry. It's been over a year since her mother died. The saddest day of her life and the moment when Alfie's world started to crushed down.

"Please, no" Allie begs in silence. Anything but dementia. He's the smartest man she ever knew, this couldn't be his destiny.

Instead, Allie tries to compose herself and just nods. "Probably she's coming. But I'll tell her, yes. Although first, you need your medication ok? I'll bring you tea with it.".

"If anything happens to me take care of your father" her mother's voice is in her head "I know Alfie's weakness. Promise me, Allie."

And she's keeping her promise since then. Allie cries in silence while the water is boiling.

"Did you tell her?"

"I did. But she said that she wanted to suprise you with something tonight, so she went to the town. Mama said that you need to rest so you can enjoy the dinner tonight."

"She's going to cook?"

Allie smiles "she'll try. Now take the medicine, dad. So you can rest and wait for her."

Once again, Alfie hears his daughter and after the tea, he goes to sleep. After his nap he's the same as ever and didn't mention his late wife again. Like it never happened.

This Saturday Alfie is alone with his maid. His daughter is at the theatre with her daughter and husband, Allie is planning to go to her father's house after it. The arguments between her husband and herself increased the last days because she spent a lot of time next to Alfie and she had to remember him what her father meant to her. "Never make me choose between him and you. I love you, but he's the man who saved me," she said and the husband understood.

The maid named Margaret knew about Alfie's probably dementia. So she wasn't surprised when he named Rose again, still, it hurt.

"Tell her I want to go to the sea with her. Where's she? Isn't she here?"

"Not now, Mr. Solomons. Your beloved wife told me she's attending a meeting, but I can help you to go to the beach if you want."

"Ah! A meeting! Me Rosie always working. If I go outside will ya tell her about it? Tell her I'm on the beach."

"Yes, Mr. Solomons."

Margaret smiled briefly. She knew his wife, she witnessed the relationship between them, the way they talked to each other, the smiles. And she saw Alfie Solomons becoming a shadow of the man he used to be after her death.

She helps him to walk to the seashore, she carries a beach chair with her and invites him to sit in it. Alfie sighs looking at the sea, he loves that place but lately he feels that he's missing something, but he doesn't know what.

"When Rosie calls, tell her that the day is beautiful 'ere."

"I will, Mr. Solomons."

Two weeks later, nothing changed. Some days he didn't mention his wife at all and he was calm and busy reading or watching tv. Other days he talked about her as she was still there. Allie called his doctor and the man confirmed her fears and unfortunately, there was no cure.

Alfie Solomons had erased from his memory her wife's death.

But a part of him was still the same as ever.

"She's not 'ere anymore, ain't she?" Alfie asks his daughter one afternoon months later. He was in the balcony looking at the horizon. Allie is next to him and the new dog he has, a basset hound named Apollo. Allie, caressing Apollo's long ears, thinks for a moment before answering to him.

"No, papa."

"And I keep asking for her… what's happenin' to me?"

"You'll be fine, dad. I'm here to help you. You and mom were, and still are, really important to me. I love you, dad. So, I don't care if you sometimes you forget things. I forget things all the time. It's okay." She hugs him really tight. "I think of her all the time, too."

For a moment, father and daughter share a moment in peace. Both of them laugh and play with Apollo. For a moment, Allie allows herself to be a girl again when she played with Ciryl and younger Alfie. Her strong father that always protected her no matter what. For a moment, Alfie's mind knows where it is and knows that he's a widower now. But it ends faster than both of them would've liked it.

"Allie..."

"Yes, dad?" The woman looks at him.

"I know your mum is busy, but if you see her tell her i miss her. Tell her, Allie. Tell her I love her, too."

Allie's eyes are filled with tears again but she nods. "I will, dad. I will."

The next day, Allie is standing in front of the mother's tomb. There are white roses decorating the gravestone, her favourites. Allie talks to her mother, she tells her that she misses her company, her words. She tells her about how Iris, Allie's daughter, is growing up really quick and how she loves painting. But, if she's there is to deliver a message.

"He loves you. But you know that. He loves you so much that his mind decided that you never died and who would be so cruel to tell him otherwise? In his own world you're alive, even if he can't see you. He misses you, mom."

Meanwhile, in Margate, Alfie Solomons is in the kitchen baking and the maid is helping him. It's 20th June and it's his wife's birthday. Alfie knows that and his Rosie deserves the best.

A beautiful cake is now ready to be eaten even if the person he waits the most isn't there to enjoy it.

#alfie solomons #alfie solomons x ofc #alfie solomons x oc #peaky blinders #tom hardy #peaky blinders x oc #alfie solomons imagine #alfie solomons fanfic

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desultory-novice · 6 months

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(Warning, inadverdently long ask) On characters being represented, do you think that the fanbase downplays Magolor's redemption too much? Like don't get me wrong, Magolor being treated as completely innocent is also an issue, and he still has his vices, but I feel like the other extreme is a problem too. Maybe it's just a vocal minority, but I've seen people say that Magolor is outright faking being redeemed both before and after the release of the Magolor Epilogue (though Star Allies did not help).

Especially regarding the "Old Friend" mask. Its a minor thing, but I die a little on the inside whenever someone brings that up as one of Magolor's "sins" or even proof that he has not changed. Or when people claim that it's a major slap in the face to Taranza, even though we don't even get Taranza's opinion on the matter! As far as we know, it could easily be a innocuous tribute to Taranza's late friend (of course, I like to think the mask might even be Taranza's own idea). It doesn't help that Taranza is also portrayed in a one-dimensional manner regarding the loss of Joronia/Sectonia (again canon does not help), and his character has even become the subject of mockery among the fans over their own collective take of the character.

Fun coincidence- I almost brought the Joronia mask thing up when writing my Blorbo post!! I think it is something that, like the Star Allies skit with Susie and Meta Knight, some people are judging it from outside the actual perspective it is being presented to us.

(And I'll never like when bringing in outside context is being used to claim a character is a horrendous bastard. >_> It's KIRBY. View it through a different lens if it helps you creatively but don't twist it into something it's not and then talk like you're preaching canon.)

Now, I'm not sure I've necessarily run into the people who are downplaying his redemption (or maybe I'm mistaking them for people just having a little laugh at Magolor's expense. But like you said with Taranza, it can get tiresome when characters are played for the saaaaaame joke over and over again) but I think it would be silly to do so with ANY serious intent at this point.

He's definitely not innocent of all misdeeds - he lied to Kirby and the others long before the crown literally sunk its talons into him(1) - but he is a victim. And to say that he would fake his redemption after DX is just plain false. We have evidence he regretted the Master Crown incident and wanted to be free of it and despite feeling like he didn't deserve rescue, Kirby RESCUED him and in the process made him realize how important their friendship truly was. That's all canon.

(1) I will say if you buy into the wild but not without evidence HC that the crown already had Magolor fairly well brainwashed by the time he landed on Halcandra, you can view him as slightly more innocent. Course, at a certain point, you have to decide how much you're going to exonerate him for doing/saying under his own right mind and if you do that too much, then you're basically admitting his entire personality in RtDL was just the Master Crown talking through him.

Back to the mask, to say that the very SIGHT of the Joronia mask or the Max mask would traumatize Taranza or Susie is... kinda silly, also. Do these people think that after someone dies, you just throw away everything that reminds you of them or shout angrily at someone who shows you a picture or a memento of the deceased? Grief comes in lots of different forms, yeah but...

I'm going to get personal for a moment but after my father died, my mother was grateful whenever an old friend dug out or recovered a photo or recording of dad, or posted their memories of him.

Let's just make this clear:

The mask is a tribute

That's what Merry Magoland IS! The whole park! It is decorated to look like Magolor but under the surface, the whole thing is a tribute to Kirby, Kirby's friends, and all they've been through!

...I sometimes worry with the "Ooh, Magolor did the mask to prank Taranza and now he's crying!" "Ooh, DMK corrupted Sectonia and now Taranza is crying or wants to kill him!" that maybe...I dunno... It's hard to explain but it doesn't make me feel great that Taranza always gets caught up in this kind of thing... It just feels kinda...

We do have to fill in the blanks about how the characters would respond to these things because the game doesn't tell us, but like I said up top, it feels very out of bounds for the tone laid out in Kirby the game series to assume that this act of Magolor's was done to harm Taranza or that Taranza would feel harmed by it.

Let's get Doylian for a second!

All the masks were included by HAL Labs as a purposeful celebration and a fun form of fanservice so the players could see their favorite characters, including characters they hadn't seen in a long time or never got a clear look at! Their creation was entirely positive!

...Does it now make sense to say that in universe, these masks would TRAUMATIZE a character who saw them? That the character responsible for making these masks was intentionally being a sneaky little bastard by doing so? If it does, I encourage you to carefully re-read the above paragraph. Thanks!

#Kirby #Magolor #Taranza #cw: death #Dess Rambling #long post

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cinderella-ish · 20 days

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5, 8 through 13, and 18 + 20 for the Furuba asks!

Woohoo! Thank you for sending this! (ask game here)

5. not at all! I was born in the year of the horse, so maybe that's part of why I felt such a disconnect with Rin at first.

8. I have to go with Chapter 88 (the Cinderella-ish play)! I know I already gave the corresponding episode as my favorite, but it's just SO GOOD! It's hilarious and heartbreaking and has beautiful character moments for much of the main cast. It's almost a credo statement for the series. And Hiroshi's brilliant narration is the cherry on top!

Question 9 answered here | Question 10 answered here

11. Yuchi is my OTP ❤️

12. The fabulous Yukeru writers on Ao3 have me shipping them. Same for the YukiKyo (? what's their ship name?) writers. And I've really come to love some of the rarepairs I'm writing for my longfic Bloom Within Us. I'll put them under a cut down below for those curious.

13. Ooh, this is such a good question! Right now, I think my answer would be Momiji & Kyo because of the series I just finished writing. I have a soft spot for Yuki & Kakeru, of course, and Yuki & Haru, as well as Tohru & Arisa & Saki. I also really enjoy Kyo's sibling-esque dynamic with Arisa.

18. Ok, to combine 18 and 20, here are two hot takes that sort of deal with character headcanons. Let me know if you want to hear headcanons for someone else, or more fleshed out hc for these characters.

I think my hottest take is that Tohru needed Kyo more than he needed her. I don't think she had anyone she let her walls down for beyond him; not even her best friends. Kyo at least had Kazuma, and he was pretty candid with Momiji, too. Tohru regularly refused to let people take care of her (except for Kyo), and she would've been trapped in her grief & unable to move forward without him. Kyo would've struggled, and he may not have survived, but while they both would've had friends, he would've at least had a loving parent who would've done anything for him.

While Bloom Within Us ultimately has a positive outcome for Kyo after Tohru dies, I've been thinking about writing a sort of companion piece where Kyo dies and Tohru has to grieve him. I believe that would be a much sadder story, especially with the timing related to her processing her grief for her mother and choosing to move forward with Kyo. We saw in the hospital arc how hard of a time she was having just thinking he rejected her. She'd also struggle with how the other cursed Sohmas - some of her dearest friends - treated/viewed him, and that might create a rift between her and her new found family. If he disappeared, I just don't think she'd be able to cope.

It's also probably a hot take that Shigure only gets as much hate as he does because a) people take aspects of the manga seriously that Takaya never intended us to take seriously (like his "high school girls" song. Creepy, yes, but that's a Takaya problem, not a Shigure problem.) and b) he's so full of self-loathing that he says he's not "kind" and "the worst kind of man" and people take him seriously for some reason. If you actually look at his "unkind" actions, they consist of a) speaking honestly and directly to Akito without first fawning over her, b) actually trying to break the curse (sure, he and Hatori and others refer to it as "using" Tohru, but the way he was "using" her was to try and help the younger Zodiacs form strong bonds outside the curse and to house a lonely, homeless teen), and c) sometimes asking insensitive questions or speaking uncomfortable truths. And yes, he was cold to Mayu, and yes, he slept with Ren (which is maybe the most bananas thing that happens in Furuba), and yes, he fucks with people for his entertainment (especially Mitsuru and Mayu, though, again, Takaya signals we're not supposed to take that seriously). But then we see him trying to cheer Hatori up by bringing him to the lake house, or giving Kyo guidance (and a place to live) from the day he appears, or removing Yuki from Akito's abuse, or using his cunning to get Tohru to relax and have fun, or at least stop stressing so much.

I truly think his speech about kindness came from self-hatred and not from some deeply-held belief about the meaninglessness of things like kindness. I think his speech about being the worst kind of man was again from self-loathing and not something he was proud of. And when he provoked Tohru about Kyo, I also think that was borne of his self-loathing and guilt over how the Zodiac viewed the cat.

Anyway, I know you aren't a Shigure hater, so this probably isn't terribly controversial to you. 😅

Oh, also, I read Arisa as straight. She totally gives me queer vibes, but the fact that she likes Kureno because he reminds her of Tohru, yet she doesn't like Tohru that way... I see that as confirming her straightness, tbh. (I still love AUs where she and Saki are together! They're cute!)

Rarepairs in Bloom Within Us below the cut! (These could be read as answers to 18/20, too!)

Yusuke and Kagura get together in chapter 32, and Hiroshi and Momiji finally get together in chapter 67. In Bloom Within Us, mourners sort of converge around Kyo due to his closeness to Tohru and help him through his initial grieving period. This leads to a situation where Kyo kind of slowly becomes the center of the Sohma family, hosting regular group dinners at the dojo and becoming close (to a degree) with all the formerly cursed Sohmas. Since he always was close with Momiji and Kagura, it made sense to me that he might connect them with Hiroshi and Yusuke. I don't give Yusuke and Kagura a lot of focus, but Hiroshi is basically the second protagonist of my story, and the relationship between him and Momiji (and Hiroshi's development to be ready for a relationship with Momiji) is one of the most important subplots. I've really grown to love them, and might write some more content with them just because I adore them so much. (And Yusuke and Kagura are cute together! But I'm not really interested in exploring them any more.)

I haven't written the chapter where Kyo and Saki get together, but yeah, Kyo ends up with Saki.

I always read Saki as having repressed romantic feelings for Tohru. Due to her extreme loyalty and her powerful wave-reading abilities, I think she'd catch Tohru's message to Kyo (to keep moving forward) and ensure she passed it on first opportunity, thus saving his life. And I think Kyo, with his people skills and unfortunate familiarity with grief, would be the one to figure out how Saki felt about Tohru.

In my story, Kyo has to first decide to live. Once he truly does that, he starts pursuing a future as a karate instructor, realizes blaming himself for everything only hurts the people who care about him, and finally decides to allow himself to fall in love again. He's already in love with Saki by this point, and has been for a while, but he's a dumbass about love and it takes him a while longer to realize how he feels, and even longer to decide to do anything about it.

I think it's possible to read Kyo and Saki as having sexual tension in canon. That plus them playing the prince and Cinderella in Cinderella-ish makes them a fun couple to explore.

Anyway, I think there's a strong case these couples would get together in a universe where Tohru dies, but not in any other universe.

Thank you for asking! This was fun!

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fluffalpenguin · 10 months

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@arcvmonth day 24: the manga

oh man oh MAN it's vj day!!!!!

it's pretty funny how all my gifs are mostly yuri-centered huh

Under the cut:

revisiting my review of the manga from last year

Headcanons and fic/comic ideas

rambling about an old WIP

small playlist! (with write-ups!)

First of all, here's the 3,000 words analysis/blog thing I wrote last year when I first finished it.

One and a half years later, I still largely agree with it! There's some headcanons I wrote in there that I completely forgot about, lol, so I'm glad past me posted it somewhere for current me to relieve it again! (The rants were also kind of funny to re-read too)

***

Next, headcanons!

Lately, I found myself wondering about Yuto and Yuri's outfits; specifically-

...Why are they walking around Maiami with dramatic red/black capes?

After some time in the kitchen, I decided that when Yuya was younger, he was really into good versus evil roles when rehearsing his dueltainment lines. And who else better to serve as his practice opponents than his two brothers who aren't off busy making rounds at the stadium on a D-Wheel?

Tying his own fluffy, white towel around his shoulders, Yuya throws a nearby black blanket to Yuto. The oldest is initially a little embarrassed about the notion, but no one can ever say no to the baby of the Sakaki family, can they? (He'll just have to live the shame down from the twins later on... They barely even respect him as they are right now, anyway) In the middle of the duel, Yuri walks in onto the two of them after having finished his homework (or tweaking his deck). He raises an eyebrow at Yuto's appearance, but gets the gist of the situation when he sees their duel disks activated and Yuya standing on top of the sofa in a similar attire. As Yuto steals Yuya's schtick and becomes a tomato, Yuri pouts about being left out and quickly leaves to hunt for something that will allow him to join the fun. When the duel ends, Yuto passes the baton to Yuri. As he watches the two rattle off silly, goofy lines like, I will destroy the planet, the universe, all the worlds! and, Never! I'll stop you, fiend!, Yuto sighs in relief. At least Yuya now has Yuri to LARP with. Maybe Yugo would volunteer too, once he returned from driving practice and hears about it. Though, he'd likely ask to play the part of the hero himself. Anyway, Yuto's already almost in middle school; he's getting a little too old to play with costumes now. Then afterwards, at dinner, with an angelic smile Yuya says, "Yuuto, can we play like that again sometime? You look so cool with a cape!"

Yuri on the other hand, always had a tendency for the melodramatic, his own personal spin of the theatrics he's seen from his dad! Deep down he really loves playing the villain.

(This was meant to be a short description but I couldn't help putting some fic-like sentences in there tehe also yes that's a reference to the conversation between Yuya and G.O.D./Eve)

***

(warning: angst ahead)

Another headcanon I have that I want to write/draw something for is that in the postcanon where Reiji, Yuya, Isaac and Ren travel through space and time together, Yuya has moments where he falters to his grief.

He's used to his brothers commenting and nagging him on almost anything and everything (A midnight snack? Think about your complexion, Yuya!) and his world is suddenly a lot more quiet. In his hurt, he starts to avoid Ren, not wanting to be reminded of what he's lost (He doesn't feel good about it).

Eventually Reiji intervenes and Yuya opens up a little. He's been unable to properly let himself grief for his brothers. All he wants to say is that he misses them.

But he doesn't feel like he has the right to do so, having being the one to seal their fates by personally destroying the one method of bringing them back to life. He doesn't regret his decision of course, but he's unable to stop himself from feeling this way too.

It has a happy ending; Reiji convinces Yuya to talk to Ren. Yuya shares stories about Yugo at Ren's request, making the both of them laugh. Yuya realises that there are other methods of bringing back people to life, too, even if only momentarily.

But it is enough.

***

Misc hcs:

Yuya's charisma and attitude is a combination of his three brothers fawning over his cuteness from birth and Yuya being so star-struck with Yusho's performances he attempted to replicate the movements ever since he could walk.

Being the oldest, Yuto feels a sense of responsibility for his brothers and pledged to take care of them in place of his always-missing parents. However, he oft times finds himself not having to do much because Yugo and Yuri are so determined to win over Yuya's heart (and be proclaimed 'favourite brother') that they also make sure to set a good example for the youngest when possible. This causes Yuto a little bit of an identity crisis (/j it's just for fun) until he settles into his role as the househusband cook.

"All of us... are connected by... the arc of destiny!"

Reiji and Yuya are supposed to be silhouetted by their fathers, so Yuzu is meant to seem like she's looking at Yuya, but is in fact looking at Yusho. I also think VJ Yuto should be allowed to smile more!

This drawing is meant to be my love letter to the manga as a whole, and ESPECIALLY the last duel between Reiji and Yuya. I talked about it a whole ton in the review linked above already, so go check that out if you haven't!!

I was really happy with the composition when I first made this, especially with Sora/Ren/Isaac Versus the Yus mirroring their duels! (Well, okay, I know Isaac didn't duel Yuto but.... just give this to me)

Anyway I really wanted a fun and positive energy for it! Every month I think about returning to this but I get slightly demotivated when I realise I have *zero* colour references for both Ren and Isaac... Please send in your headcanons...

***

Last but not least, last month I got brain worms for another animatic/hand-drawn MV for Eve's Fight Song! I'll never ever have to time to go back to it, but I wanted to take the chance to talk about other songs that make me ill when I think about them with the manga.

1. Myth & Roid - TRAGEDY:ETERNITY

Don’t give me an eternity Even if that’s all I can believe Press pause on the flow of time In the shadow of the blink of an eye I don’t wanna fall into a sleep ‘Cause now you are my remedy Now knocking on, knocking on, knocking on my brain Even for the temptation of a nightmare Fate demands a costly reparation for its fare

Translated lyrics mostly from lyrical-nonsense, but I made some changes for better rhyming and flow yahoo!! This song is what I imagine the OP would be in my dreams when it received an anime adaptation, I've always dreamed of making my own animatic to it!!

Not just the chorus, but the ENTIRE SONG (pleeeease go take a look at the lyrics) feels like it's made for the manga please please go take a look

2. MYTH & ROID - -to the future days

I cast my wishes to the future days If we can meet on the other side of eternity… I cast my wishes to the future days What should we talk about first? Sadness and even joy will, eventually Will sleep together That's the way life is If such a world could be granted Would nobody feel hurt anymore?

Yeah I like M&R quite a bit, how'd you know

If T:E was the hypothetical OP, this is my pick for the ED theme, like AAAAAAAA for me it encompasses the yu's story so so so so so so so well, though

And:

Both despair and also life come to end eventually Take this future into your hands and let it run its course Spin it ’round…… The hands on the clock spin around Like flowers, petals falling and fluttering Once we blossom, we dissipate in the moment THE BRIDGE THE BRIDGE THE LYRICS ARGHHHHHHHH This is definitely for me, the moment when the three yus start to fade during Yuya's battle with Eve, their last conversation they have with yuya..... *lies onto the ground in a pile of misery*

Rest of the lyrics HERE shoves it into your face

3. MAISONdes - Tokyo Shandy Rendezvous

It's no joke, no it's not! Tokyo Shandy Rendezvous Even when the time comes nothing will come of it Vague truths only become melancholy Come on and snatch me away now, take on me!

This is a fun one, when I watched the PV and in the chorus Lum was spinning I instantly went wow what if that was Phantom.. and then the lyrics bared their claws and sunk them into my brain and hasn't really let go since

Unlike the above two songs, not all of the lyrics are a perfect match, of course, but I adore how in general the whimsical yet lonely nature of the song feels like it fits Phantom so well!

4. Eve - Fight Song

As the night still refuses to end, let’s dream

Last but not least the song I posted the above storyboard for! CSM fans (as well as Eve fans, lol) are probably already familiar with the song, and full lyrics here, though like the song above, only parts of the song (particularly the chorus) really resonated with the vj brainworms in my head lol Even for me, y’know Let’s make a break for the future Towards the verge of death like we pray for A boy that gave his word Today, just like back then As if there’s no more future ahead

Sigh.... Yuto, Yugo, Yuri................ Just let out your voice Let’s take it easy We don’t even know common sense, so we know the world through wise eyes These overflowing feelings, behold Greet me with an applause

I love the first half a lot, I can easily imagine Yuya saying it to the other three... and of course, the latter, from him to the world! (or perhaps even G.O.D...)

As always thanks for reading GOODBYE I GOTTA GO DRAW SOME ARC-V OCS

#arc-v #arcvmonth2023 #arcvmonth #arc-v manga #pasu does not shut up

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dcwnrisen-aa · 11 months

Note

[ last ]: a letter sent in the aftermath of the writer’s death. / shoto tehe

The letter arrives in the wake of the aftermath of Shoto's death, an international thing that had spread on the news, broadcasting along side the grief-ridden faces of his friends. The envelope is clean, script written on the front and when it's opened, there's blood on the pages, fingerprints smeared and writing a little haphazard.

Dear Mom( @hembralfa ) , BonBon ( @nvrcmplt ) and Grandpa Bell,

I knew going into this mission would be dangerous. We prepared and prepped as much as we could but there's never a real plan to prepare for death. Or getting seriously injured. I feel like my time as a kid made me immune to pain, to the rush of danger because I've never really been....well, not hypervigilant. But I knew my time as your son, I never worried. I knew you would bring the world down if it meant securing my safety. Time and time again, you showed me I could trust in adults and other than Aizawa-sensei, I didn't ever want to put that trust in someone else.

But I let go, because you made it easy. I felt free, like all my worries mattered, that each pressing emotion was validated and that the child inside me, he was safe, that I could trust his fear, his vulnerability with you. And I'm really glad I did, it was one of the best decisions I ever made. I'm....not perfect. I curse more than I should. I don't respect authority and I can be hotheaded but I've been trying to be better. I didn't realize how much I changed. How much I craved family until you, BonBon, and Grandpa Bell. Even Bobby and Darren. I felt seen, and heard and even laugh more than I'm used to. Bon....he's everything to me.

I've never had a bond like that, I want to protect him, to see him smile, to go on adventures and experience new things. Being a big brother, never knowing what that's like and actually being in those moments ? Don't tell Bon, but I cry sometimes after he's fallen asleep. I want to be his safe space, to know he can come to me when he's feeling sad, when his emotions are too much. When he wants to share things and gets excited when we get to play with my quirk. Tell him I'm sorry we can't do that anymore, tell him not to get sad that I won't be there. Tell him.....tell him he's the best little brother in the world and I'm rooting for him.

I wish you had been my birth mother. Maybe it's not right to confess this, especially given everything she went through because of that bastard, but I think in another life, we would've been mother and son, free of the burdens that weigh us down. Thank you mom, for loving me, for giving me something far more precious to live for. I want you to look back on the near decaded we had together, to know that I valued and appreciate the time as your son, for the family you've given me.

Tell Grandpa Bell, that I'm sorry that I died before I could tell him how much I enjoyed the light and laughter he bought into my life. He is and will always be important to me, my death changes nothing. And for you, I'll always be your son. I'll always cherish the traditions you've passed on. On knowing I could proudly be your kid. Don't be sad, Mom, don't cry for me. Don't tear the world down, save that for the bastards who hurt you. I planned on being by your until I was old enough to get married, and you'd give me away. Regardless, I love you Mom, and I'm sorry that you recieved this at all. Celebrate the memories we made. Goodbye, may this letter reach you safely. I'm sorry.

#nvrcmplt #hembralfa #🐉◦ ✧ ✩ todoroki. ( ic )#mmmm i imagine with how gungho shoto is about saving ppl even after being precautioned in danger he bit off more than he could chew #and as he's bleeding out #he sent this off with aizawa #haha #🌺ˑ » petals swaying in autumn breeze.

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astaenomy · 2 years

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I can go anywhere I want, just not home.

Min Yoongi x Park Jimin Drabble

Aged-up Yoonmin, Canon Compliant

inspired by: my tears ricochet by taylor swift

"Yoongi-hyung" A soft voice calls him, a voice that used to lull him to sleep now seems deeper as the years have gone by.

"Jiminie." Their eyes met and their memories together come crashing back like waves. He has been lost in the sea of what they once had even after all those years and now seeing him again he felt like drowning. "What made you drop by Seoul?" Yoongi adds trying his best to sound so nonchalant.

"Jungkook and Taehyung invited me for a drink tonight so I decided to drop by here to see how things are" Jimin explains looking around the older's studio. The soft light of his studio caresses the younger's skin as nostalgia etches his skin settling down to the bones that he so desperately tries to forget.

"Oh okay. I hope you enjoy" Yoongi says giving him a brief smile.

Silence.

The deafening silence cages him in the burning room of his mind. His body was burning, breaking down, tearing apart all the seams. The burns it left lives on his skin like birthmarks as if it was a souvenir from the ghosts of his past.

"Hyung" Jimin calls, his calming voice still having the power to bring him back from his trance. Yoongi sees the way Jimin plays with the wedding band on his ring finger, bringing Yoongi back to the sad reality.

People have always believed Yoongi as someone cold and hard-hearted, but he knows, deep down, he has a heart because he felt it breaking inside his ribcage.

"You should come by Busan sometimes, the kids miss you" Jimin offers "Sure, I'll bring sugar with me" Yoongi answers as Jimin smiles at him, but it hurts. Yoongi feels his chest heavy and hollow all at once. It was as if he was longing for the comfort of the past to erase away the present.

Grief.

Can you grieve over someone who's still living? Since the day Jimin walked away from his door grief has always sent him love letters. Grief kisses him good night making their past much brighter in hindsight. He drowns in his own denial as loss has its hand around his throat and he struggles to breathe, crying for air until his tears turn ricochet.

"I hope you are doing well, hyung" Jimin says as he walks to the door and Yoongi follows.

They are once again engulfed in silence until the younger turns around and his eyes are filled with care as if he genuinely hopes for Yoongi's well-being ─ maybe he does, for the younger's heart is big, but sadly, it was not big enough to leave a space for him.

"Are you happy?" Jimin breaks the silence, slightly tilting his head.

They say we are the architect of our own sadness, but why can't he find the exit door?

He just wants to go home, but he can no longer do that for home is not four bricked walls, home is crescent eyes and sweet smiles. Yoongi feels more of a stranger than a resident in his house because home is never four bricked walls, home is warm arms and soft giggles.

"Are you?" Yoongi asked as the younger's face lit up.

Home is something he can no longer return to.

"Yeah, I am." Jimin lets out a breath as his smile got wider. Yoongi can see that there's no vein of lie underneath his dashing smile thus he smiles too because he's happy as long as Jimin is.

"Then I am too"

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whyispotatoheadalreadytaken · 1 year

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Something I wrote in January before the great rage. I shared snippets of thoughts along the way but this was what I had:

One of the hardest parts about not being a part of your life, as it is right now, is Rory. It is one of the deepest wells of grief that I carry. I never imagined that I'd not be a part of your children's lives. Rory is a part of you, and a part of you I'll never know, and that is so painful. I try to imagine what he is like based on your Spotify and snippets that I see. Suppose you'll allow me to be honest without having your brain go 0 to 60 in never sharing anything about him again. If you'll let and sit with me in this moment, a small part of me resents him because he changed everything. It is not fair to put that blame on a child who had nothing to do with anything, and I know that, but sometimes it feels like he's just another boy who stole you from me. Which, as I'm writing, is putting tears in my eyes. I had an outright mental breakdown when I made that connection. It's a tremendous amount of cognitive dissonance that has nothing to do with him; it's me. Hi. I'm the problem. And everything that I messed up. It gets worse when I cycle through my grief or you disappear. It's almost made me go back to therapy several times. It's all of the unresolved feelings I carry and experience. And he brings you so much joy, which is a joy I could never give you, which is also very painful. Please keep sharing, though, as much as you feel comfortable sharing. He makes me smile when I see a little video of him and his cuteness. There was one, and I can't remember which one, that had me laughing so hard I cried. It was related to you asking him to say different words like dada and then asked him to say mama, and he just made the cutest angry face and went NOOOOOOO. It was awesome. Kids are so funny, but I never know what to do with them. I love babies, though once they start toddling, my skills run out. He's the image of you, which can also be painful.

Thoughts I had about lil baby:

The hardest day was honestly the day you told me. Tried to play that cool, but I was kinda angry about it. Not because of the pregnancy, okay, well…maybe a little. But mostly because it was the first thing I saw when I landed in Hawaii on my anniversary. My brain saw it in the airport and went, “Nope.” I was so mad at your timing, which as consistently been a thing to make me angry in the past. I didn’t know at the time that you had just had your first ultrasound that same day, but I still was like, “Bruh, are you for real right now??? Today is my ANNIVERSARY. I just landed in HAWAII. On VACATION. And this is not the first time I’ve been given hard information or something from you while I’m in Hawaii and supposed to be living it up. So, that wasn’t great. I didn’t want to lose you or make you feel bad so I played it cool even though I was pretty upset.

The thing that upsets me the most about new baby is that it solidifies that I will not be around probably ever and it sucks that I have zero control over that. One was just one. It happened. But now two? And I’m also sitting here wondering if new baby was an accident or if that is what you wanted. And if it was what you wanted then that is okay!!!! You’ve always wanted to be a mom and I understand that. But I was left to process this in a very black and white way. Like, maybe Zoë and I should start planning for kids because I can’t just stop my life. That’s now been made very clear to me. I know Zoë wants a kiddo or two before she dies. Another piece of this that I am so very afraid to talk about or ask about is the John piece of it. And I’ll stop there because I really don’t want to say the wrong thing and make you think I’m being judgmental or shitty or something. I just worry about you and I want you to be okay. I know you’ll make this work cuz that’s what you do. You make things work always. You have always been the one to find a way to make it work. I’m just very afraid for a hypothetical day in which you can’t make it work. Not because you haven’t tried or you give up, but because you just can’t make it work. And by it, I mean everything. All of it. “It” isn’t just one thing. I don’t want that to happen, but it is a real concern that I have. And the worst part about that is that I can’t be there to help you and support you. I just have to be like lalalala I have no idea what’s happening!!!!!! I want you to be happy and to find that. I don’t want you to get to the end of your life and say, “Welp! I made it work!” famous last words. I know it isn’t that simple. Don’t worry, I can hear you. But as far as hearing updates about baby and Rory, it doesn’t upset me. I love getting snippets of them but I understand and respect your hesitancy. It isn’t a requirement and I know this is an area we don’t have that connection. I’m not there. I don’t know what’s going on or how all of this has really been for you. I have snippets, but that’s it. Any boundaries you want around that, I respect, and I don’t push. I get it. I still appreciate how generous you’ve been and the concerns you have had around the tone when communicating about this area. It’s very thoughtful. I wasn’t angry or upset. It’s just an added layer of complex grief, you know? One I’ll never stop feeling. It’s just how it is.

Aside from being crazy busy with school, I put breaks on sharing thoughts about kiddos after I shared that I was really scared about the alcohol piece. I dunno. I was sharing as a like “yo I’m scared about this being a thing, but I won't really know until the end of the semester,” so I could hold myself accountable because I didn’t want to become that thing. But when you share something like that, I can sometimes change how people see you, sometimes even unconsciously. Felt weird to share about baby stuff when I had shared what I had shared about myself. I am doing a lot better with that, though. Mattie’s first night with us was May 1st, and then I had a ciderboys on Sunday, like I said yesterday. I’ve been really intentional with the liquor piece, and I’m okay. I just can never ever let that happen again. I can never ever binge drink like that again. Now that school is done, it feels like something has clicked in my brain, which is terrific. I also feel like a person again, so that’s nice. I have been able to feel real joy since graduating, so I hope that’s a good sign that I won’t fall into that again. I won’t put myself in a position to wrestle with it again because there might not be a next time. Either I enact boundaries or become an alcoholic. The latter isn’t an option. Anyway. So, there were layers to my hesitancy in sharing, and I understand that not communicating about that would cause you anxiety, so I apologize for that. Just wanted to follow through after you shared your post.

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chamomileteainabuttercup · 2 years

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would anyone like to hear about my feelings regarding Boba Fett's character arc and Cubone/Marowak's evolution

well I'll let some Pokédex entries (via Bulbapedia) do the talking (obviously you need to substitute "father" for "mother" in Boba's case) (and I am, of course, being selective with my quotations because there are other parts of the Pokédex entries that don't fit with this interpretation at all, but that's okay because this is not about real life and no real person will be harmed by my rascality)

Pokémon Red and Blue: "Because it never removes its skull helmet, no one has ever seen this Pokémon's real face."

This is the earliest version of Boba Fett known to fans, mysterious and badass.

Pokémon Silver: "It always wears the skull of its dead mother, so no one has any idea what its hidden face looks like."

Once we know what happened to Jango and the symbolism of his helmet, this heartbreaking view of Boba emerges.

Pokémon Moon: The skull it wears on its head is that of its dead mother. According to some, it will evolve when it comes to terms with the pain of her death.

A little hope is suggested, that Boba may not remain always locked in the same state of trauma and grief.

Pokémon Shield: This Pokémon wears the skull of its deceased mother. Sometimes Cubone's dreams make it cry, but each tear Cubone sheds makes it stronger.

Excuse me while I believe that the fluid in Boba's bacta tank is somewhat diluted by invisible tears shed as he lies dreaming.

But then we get to Marowak!

Pokémon Ruby and Sapphire: Marowak is the evolved form of a Cubone that has overcome its sadness at the loss of its mother and grown tough. This Pokémon's tempered and hardened spirit is not easily broken.

This is the Boba that I feel emerged in The Mandalorian.

Pokémon Sun: The bones it possesses were once its mother's. Its mother's regrets have become like a vengeful spirit protecting this Pokémon.

Pokémon Moon: Its custom is to mourn its lost companions. Mounds of dirt by the side of the road mark the graves of the Marowak.

These entries refer to the Alolan form of Marowak, the one with a Polynesian design influence, which seems apt for a character played by a Polynesian actor who's been bringing elements of his culture into the role. Although Mandalorians don't believe in such things, I personally love the thought of some remnant of Jango's spirit within his armour - which at any rate provides real and practical protection to his son. While I detested the fridging of the Tuskens in episode 3 of The Book of Boba Fett, the Moon description tracks.

Referring to the standard Kanto Marowak again:

Pokémon Sword: This Pokémon overcame its sorrow to evolve a sturdy new body. Marowak faces its opponents bravely, using a bone as a weapon.

In this case, rather than the connection being to Jango, I see the bone aligning with the gaffi stick Boba carries. And his body sure is sturdy.

And this is why, if we are to imagine a Star Wars Pokémon AU, I would have little bereaved Boba finding a wandering baby Cubone in the arena on Geonosis, recognising it as a kindred spirit, and bringing it with him so they can grow up and ultimately evolve together.

#pokémon #star wars #the mandalorian #the book of boba fett #in this reading the nose lizard becomes OBVIOUSLY a Treecko #tree is in the name!#as professor laventon hypothesised pokémon can make themselves very small #small enough to be contained in a pokéball or small enough to go up a fella's nose #little boba making his plans for a bounty hunting career: i want to be the very best like no one ever was #long post (apologetic)

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roqueamadi · 3 years

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vimeo

Wrecked

Sharper fanvid (the lyrics are important - play with sound!)

Description and short companion follow-on on AO3

Wrecked: Imagine Dragons

Vid storyline commentary under the cut :)

Richard said goodbye to Pat at the battle of Waterloo. Since then, his partner Lucille has passed away and he has not been doing so well. Days pass by and my eyes stay dry, and I think that I'm okay 'Til I find myself in conversation, fading away Wellington summoned Richard to ask him to take on an assignment to India. Richard refuses until he learns that the assignment involves tracking down Pat, who is missing and believed dead. He agrees to take on the job, but finds many old memories are dredged up of his past close friendship with Pat. The way you smile, the way you walk The time you took to teach me all that you had taught Tell me, how am I supposed to move on? Richard had been in love with Pat for years but he had never managed to summon the courage to tell him how he really felt. He thought that Pat would have no interest in him, and besides, he is married to Ramona—and yet, Richard hasn't been able to move on. These days I'm becoming everything that I hate Wishing you were around but now it's too late My mind is a place that I can't escape your ghost Sometimes I wish that I could wish it all away One more rainy day without you Sometimes I wish that I could see you one more day One more rainy day Richard travels to India but finds he doesn't feel very comfortable acting as a high-ranking British agent in a country where Britain doesn't belong. He just wants to find Pat, and he is plagued by memories of their past adventures.

Oh, I'm a wreck without you here Yeah, I'm a wreck since you've been gone Richard finds he can't fight as well without Pat by his side. He is almost killed in an ambush when, finally, Pat shows up, alive and well. I've tried to put this all behind me I think I was wrecked all along Yeah, I'm a wreck They say that the time will heal it, the pain will go away But everything, it reminds me of you and it comes in waves Way you laugh when your shoulders shook The time you took to teach me all that you had taught Tell me, how am I supposed to move on? Richard finds that between his grief and loneliness and repressed feelings, he can barely manage to hold himself together around Pat. He knows he is acting erratically and is highly volatile, but he can't bring himself to tell Pat how he feels. He continues to reminisce about their past. These days I'm becoming everything that I hate Wishing you were around but now it's too late My mind is a place that I can't escape your ghost Sometimes I wish that I could wish it all away One more rainy day without you Sometimes I wish that I could see you one more day One more rainy day They continue the mission by going undercover into the enemy fort as deserters. The General plays a trick on Richard, making him shoot Pat to prove his loyalty. Richard, panicking, is assaulted with a flood of memories as he lines up the sight. Oh, I'm a wreck without you here Yeah, I'm a wreck since you've been gone I've tried to put this all behind me I think I was wrecked all along The trick nearly causes Richard to break down completely, but he realises at the last second that the powder is bad, so he pulls the trigger knowing it won't fire. When Pat questions him later, Richard acts nonchalant, because he knows if he tells Pat how scared he truly was, everything else would come out with it. Pat is acting a bit strangely around Richard, including helping him to bed in a way that involves far more touching than strictly necessary. Despite this, Richard feels that although Pat is physically here, he's not really, because they are so at odds, and Richard's erratic behaviour is getting worse. These days when I'm on the brink of the edge Remember the words that you said Remember the life you led You'd say, "Oh, suck it all up, don't get stuck in the mud Thinkin' of things that you should have done" I'll see you again, my loved one I'll see you again, my loved one Yeah, I'm a wreck I'll see you again, my loved one Yeah, I'm a wreck without you here (loved one) Yeah, I'm a wreck since you've been gone (I'm a wreck since you've been gone) I've tried to put this all behind me I think I was wrecked all along (I'm a wreck) Yeah, I'm a wreck Richard gets into a fight and Pat stands on the sidelines, telling him not to take it too far. When Richard is injured in the fight, Pat patches him up afterwards, and Richard is reminded of the many, many times Pat has patched him up and taken care of him in the past. They are captured and beaten, then manage to escape, and everything reminds Richard strongly of how much he has always relied on Pat. Sometimes I wish that I could wish it all away but I can't One more rainy day without you (one more rainy day) Sometimes I wish that I could see you one more day but I can't One more rainy day Pat is injured in the battle, and the panic that he might lose him finally gives Richard the courage he needs to tell Pat how he feels.

#sharpe #harper x sharpe #richard sharpe #fanvid #sean bean #i spent an unspeakable amount of time working on this over the weekend #why are there not more fanvids for this ship??#there's so much footage every clip was a painstaking decision #not sure how other people treat fanvids #but for me every lyric and clip is important #i hope the story makes sense as a standalone but the description is there to assist #Vimeo

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vanchlo · 3 years

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The Partner / Chapter Twelve, "The Resolute"

Word Count: 8.4k / Story Masterlist / Read The Assistant / Read on Wattpad / Song: Hold Me While You Wait by Lewis Capaldi (click to listen) / Warning: Sensitive and upsetting topics, such as death, grief, and miscarriage

"I never know when I will miss you. I can't ever predict just what will grip my heart with the reminder that you are gone. It could be anything. Anytime. Anywhere. You are everywhere and nowhere all at once. When the days are bright, I am blinded by your presence and even when the world is dark I still manage to find you. In laughter, I hear the echo of losing you. Your presence is overflowing in the tears that fall. Now that your body is gone, everything holds your being. I miss you in the cold depths of winter and I long for you in the thick summer breeze. You are my first rising thought in the morning and my last notion as I sink into the heaviness of the night. I thought we ran out of moments together, but every moment seems to belong to you. How can you be everywhere when you are nowhere to be seen? I used to worry about facing the world because I didn't know what would trigger my heartache. I used to be afraid of every feeling, every memory, every moment because I didn't know which ones held you. Now I know you are everywhere and I think that I know why. You're everywhere because you're somewhere inside of who I am. I am the bearer of your life and your memory. I am the keeper of your existence. Even though you're gone, I never really have to search for you. I never know where I'll find you but you are always there. I never know when I will miss you and it happens all the time"

- Rachel Whalen

I had lost count of how many times I had fallen back asleep since he had left for another day of work, the second time in the last few days. I’d be telling a lie if I said that I didn’t miss him, because like he’d confessed when he thought I was sleeping, I missed him all of the time too. The difference was that I felt it now when he was gone. I wasn’t sure why I’d bitten his head off that night about going back to work. I did but couldn’t think about it after the way he broke down in front of me and I just stood there. I didn’t do a thing. Instead, I shook my head and pushed him away. God, how could I do that to him? I thought he’d moved on . . . That’s how it went. I’d wake up to an empty, cold bed and the guilt would come in crashing waves. The hot tears would follow and eventually, I’d fall back into another fitful sleep. Nightmares were almost always guaranteed, but for the first time in our relationship, I comforted myself back to sleep. Somehow, they didn’t wake him like before, but last night when he woke with a gasp that melted into tears, I think I knew because he was busy with his own.

At first, I thought I’d been imagining it, or maybe that was just my coping mechanism by now. Denial and pretending. No, it really was and it went around like a circle. Denying the denial. But when the knocking on the door turned into the dinging of the doorbell, I knew that it was real. It didn’t stop after a few times, like the mailman would. No, this person was persistent, and I definitely was not. I couldn’t even find the strength to move to look at the alarm clock to see the time. By then, it had stopped. He’d only been gone an hour now and I missed him deeply, finding it hard to not pick up the phone to ask him to come home. I did but in my own way, and not one he’d understand, despite how he knew every page of my book.

I hope work is going well

Only a few minutes passed before a reply came in with a silent vibration.

thanks it is, just meetings again and an interview

Sounds boring. I know how you hate both. New hire?

possibly. i forgot to tell u gwen left. i hope ur getting some rest

No, you hadn’t but that’s ok. I think I only talked to her like 5 times. I’m trying.

ya she was good, just kept 2 herself. want me 2 pick up anything for lunch? anything soundin good? Starbucks? pizza? u can have whatever u want

You can pick

At that, I heard my phone lock before placing it face down onto the bedside table, not able to continue a conversation about food any longer. Another wave of irrational tears came at missing him and wanting normalcy back, but the fitful sleep didn’t follow. I wasn’t sure if I was regretful or not when I peeled back the covers, shocked by the sudden cold.

The chilling silence filling the house hit me in the face when I stepped out into the hallway. It had been choking at times, mostly at night when things were at their worst. During the day, like now, it was never this quiet. Something on the tv was always playing, and I soon found myself in front of it, watching the end of a Marvel movie Harry and I once watched.

Its sequel was nearing the halfway point by the time the doorbell rang again. It was on its fourth time now and the person still hadn’t stopped. The surprise on their face was just as strong as that of mine when I found myself at the door, in front of Harry’s grandmother.

“Hi, Becky,” she said softly, a warm cadence to her words like always. I may have been biased towards grandmas, but Harry’s checked all of the points and more. I couldn’t help the squeeze of my heart at the mere sight of her, a melancholy smile spreading on her lips.

“Claire. Um, hi. Harry isn’t here right now, he had to go into work this morning,” I rush, unsure of why I’m telling her this, except for I know why. I hadn’t spoken to another human being that wasn’t Harry or my doctor since . . since it had happened. Sure, texts to Skye, my dad, and Robbie. It was the only way to placate them from telling them I didn’t want to see them. Can I blame them, though?

“Oh, that’s okay. I was uh, hoping I could come in,” she suggests. I stand there, taken aback by her request. I had come to love this woman like she was my own grandmother, and yet here I am, not opening the door for her. “Maybe we could wait for him together with some brookies.”

Dropping my eyes, I watch as she lifts a saran wrapped plate of chocolatey looking cookies. I didn’t need to look any longer to know what they were. Her famous brownie cookies that Harry had compared any cookie or brownie of mine to over the years, and I eventually had found out why.

“You know I can’t turn those down,” I mumble, feeling the first hints of a smile. She grins for me instead, following me into the house that somehow feels even emptier when we step inside. Awkwardly, I closed the door behind her, pulling my hands back into the oversized King’s College crewneck of Harry’s I’d stolen long ago. “Can I . . Can I get you something to drink? Coffee? Water? Tea?” I stumble, watching as she takes a seat at the island, setting down one of those cloth bags beside her.

“Coffee would be fine, honey,” she says, and always with a smile. I welcome the distraction, feeling as if I’d forgotten how to talk to another person. No, I know that I have. I hadn’t even been able to carry on a conversation with Harry, nonetheless his grandmother.

At times, I still felt uncomfortable around his parents, especially his dad. If there was one of them that I felt the easiest around, it was Claire. I’m reminded of the bouquet of black eyed susans probably now wilting on the table when she notes the array of flowers taking up space over there. I nod at her words while closing the lid of the instant coffee machine, placing a tall mug underneath the spout. The compassionate words scribbled in her cursive with its accompanying card come back to me, and suddenly, the steaming coffee grows blurry before my eyes. Sometimes, I wondered if she had a feeling about things like me, because as the first tear fell, she speaks an apology.

“I’m sorry for coming unannounced. I had let Harry know I was in town and would stop by today, but he must have forgotten to mention it to you,” she begins in a low volume, a Harry-like molasses shining in her voice. I mumble an ‘it’s okay’ while watching the coffee continue to fill the mug. It’s almost done, but then what will I do to distract myself? “Harry had said your fridge was quite full, but I couldn’t help but make a few of your favorites to bring you both. Times like these, cooking feels like the last thing you want to do.”

“A lot of things do,” I find myself saying, surprising her I’m sure and especially myself. I hadn’t even been able to find it in myself to put that feeling into words and say them to Harry. It was a blessing and a curse how we could read each other so well, but I know I’d closed myself off from him a long time ago. On accident and then, on purpose.

Ripples form across the surface of the liquid as the last few drops plummet into the dark abyss. I wait, staring at the steam rising from the mug, unsure as to why. A silence had embedded itself into these walls so long ago I couldn’t remember, and it sat between us now too. I still didn’t know how to broach it, and there was no nudging the switch that would let me talk about her. I truly didn’t know how to, not even to her father. Sometimes, I wanted to forget her so I’d stop hurting, but that felt like an impossibility and then a crime. Gulping, I wipe at my cheeks and thread my fingers through the ceramic handle.

“Those are a beautiful assortment of flowers,” she comments again when I set the drink down in front of her. A forced ‘thank you’ leaves my lips when I turn around and walk towards the fridge. “You and Harry are so loved, and so was your baby.”

I’d opened this fridge how many times over the years, and now as the handle sits in my palm, I can’t find it in myself to do it. The forgotten coupons, lists, photographs, drawings from Harper and Ollie, and magnets grew hazy before my eyes. The hum of the coffee machine cooling down wasn’t enough to mask the whimper that escaped my lips, no matter how desperately I tried to shove it down. After breathing in and out a few times, it still didn’t help, but I was able to open the door and grab what I’d needed.

Keeping my head down, I set the coffee creamer in front of her, not spending a second more facing her with the damage on my cheeks. As the spoon clinks against the sides of her mug, I distract myself by finding room in the fridge for the filled tupperware containers she’d taken from the bag. Scribbled labels adorn the top of each one, but I look past them as I stack them on a shelf. From the corner of my eye, I saw her stand from her seat to look at the flowers, thumbing at the typed messages. It’s not until the last one is snug against a container of yogurt and strawberries that somebody says something.

“They always say the same things, don’t they?” she murmurs with an out of place scoff, sounding like a hum from her lips. The tears had dried up as I thought about how to fit a container of beef stroganoff amongst tater tot casserole, but when I turned around, her face still falls. “It was the same with Steven too. They all say that they understand, but there’s no way that they can. They hadn’t lost their spouse, or . . their baby.” This roots me to the spot and we spend the next few moments looking at each other as her Soft Rose lipsticked lips fall.

“I didn’t want to come, Becky, because I know that when I lost my loves, I wanted to be alone. But that was where my demons lied in wait, and I don’t want you to go through the same thing I did when I lost my baby,” she continues. I couldn’t tell if it was the light or the way my eyes deceive me with a returning wetness, but a similar glint appears in hers. It holds my attention for a mere moment until my heart starts to pound against my ribs. “Steven and I were a little younger than you and Harry when we lost our baby at four months.”

There could be no saving my throat nor my eyes as I gulp against the dryness, feeling all of the wetness detour down my face. Her words ricochet inside of me, bouncing off walls. For the first time in too long, they sink in and make me feel something. I resist at first, not wanting to let my chest shake or my heart race, but there’s no stopping it. Staring back at her, she quietly sits back down and takes a sip from her coffee. Looking back to me, a corner of her mouth twitches as a gleaming droplet beads at her chin.

“What has it been now? Fifty five years and I still miss them . . my little baby,” the blood pounds in my ears as I stare at her in what, amazement? Horror? Complete and utter surprise? Probably, all of them.

“Gran, I-I never knew,” a voice says from behind me. Turning, another wave of shock courses through me at the sight of Harry with his hand on the door to the garage.

“I never told anybody, except for my immediate family when it had happened . . The thing was, the taboo around miscarriages and infertility hasn’t changed a whole lot since then. It disappoints me really . . Back then, you didn’t talk about it. Now, sometimes you talk about it, but it’s just the same. It’s near to impossible to speak about. Friends and family want to say something, but they don’t know how to without hurting you. So, instead of mentioning the loved one you lost, people don’t when they think of them, and they’re forgotten. That’s always been my worst fear, and I don’t want either of you to go through that- I cried when your mother told me what had happened, Harry. My heart breaks for the both of you, knowing that you’re going through the same nightmare that my Steven and I did.”

A puff leaves his lips and I can almost hear him gulp as sound evades us. Words haven’t been a friend to my lips in what feels like months, and right now isn’t an exception.

“I’m so sorry, Gran.”

“You have nothing to apologize for, Harry. I’m so sorry that you lost your baby . . I heard it was a girl, your daughter,” her words are ginger and slow. Somehow, another piece joins the puzzle, but it still leaves me staring at the floor as tidal waves crash inside of me. “It was a long time ago, but I still miss them and wonder who they’d be. I’m sorry to say that never goes away, and that the whole b-s of ‘time heals all wounds’ isn’t entirely true. You just build up scar tissue to it, but some days are worse than others. I miss Steven terribly some days, like the day you announced your engagement, and your pregnancy. When your mother told me over the phone three weeks ago, I wished he could’ve been there too, for you to talk to about fathers losing a child. Men are still pressured to not show emotions but it was just as hard on him to lose our baby, and sometimes fathers are forgotten.”

A mess of emotions roils inside of me, flipping my stomach upside down. My heart too, arguably. The last sound that I make out is a sniffle of his before I’m bringing my hands to my eyes, and sobbing against them. It felt like I stood there for minutes before escaping down the hall, when it was only a few seconds in reality.

I wasn’t certain if they knew what I did. That I could hear them from the bedroom down the hall, the place I’d come to retreat to instead of Harry’s arms. I felt him coming towards me just moments ago, but I couldn’t do it. I think I’d almost forgotten what his touch felt like. If they thought I could hear them, they probably had mistaken me for being asleep or for not listening. I think they tried to keep their voices down, but despite Harry being a closet musician, there wasn’t much for treatment to these walls. He’d joked before about having sex one night his mom stayed here but I pushed him away, chalking it up to thin walls.

Now, the memory wasn’t that funny to me as I heard their conversation. I almost felt guilty, as if I was cheating by hearing them, but this was the only way I could take part in a conversation I know I should be part of. I didn’t think that I could even speak if I had wanted to, because of the hiccuped sobs that filled my chest, making it hard to speak. I know that I made the right decision when my head rests against the door upon hearing about what they say next, about me.

“I can hardly get her to have a conversation with me, Gran. Let alone about . . about the baby.”

“Oh, Harry. You just have to give her time.”

“I know and I have, but it’s becoming all the harder to feel as time passes. She’s getting worse and I’m barely staying put together. It scares me so much, because I don’t want to lose her too. If I did, I’d lose everything I have to live for.”

At last, the sound of my choked sobs drowned out that of their voices. By the time my lungs calmed down and my heart hardened once more, it was quiet. I missed his voice despite how it had almost betrayed me to another, and made me hurt. My rumbling stomach ultimately won the race and it was what led me down the hall, and without knowing, back to her. I blamed it on the appetizing smell wafting from the kitchen.

I’d already seen her and had decided to keep going, but upon passing the island where she sat again, I heard her intake of breath. Harry wasn’t anywhere to be seen, despite the wiped clean plate in the sink with the large fork and an empty can. He was the only one who used them and who drank the sparkling waters that I thought tasted like bug spray.

“I’m so sorry, Becky. The last thing I wanted was to upset you, honey.”

“You don’t have to apologize. Frankly, I’m rather tired of people saying those two words, but thank you,” I return, a steadiness arriving in my voice that I didn’t know I’d missed. “Can I-?”

“Of course, it’s all yours,” she insists with a smile. Nodding, I pick up the serving spoon and a plate, feeling my stomach grow happy at the sight and smell of her famous homemade lasagna. “There’s garlic bread in the oven and salad in the fridge. I’m just going to use the little girl’s room.”

I almost smile, realizing that I’ve missed her and just maybe, I feel okay enough to talk about it. I’d found a seat at the island beside her empty cup of coffee, already digging into the lasagna. An almost embarrassing moan left my lips at the taste of the layers of cheese, pasta, and bolognese sauce.

“Leave it to Claire to find the way to your heart,” somebody comments. Turning, I find Harry walking towards me with a tilt to his lips. He unrolls the hem of a Queen Bohemian Rhapsody shirt, looking more like himself now that he’s out of a suit. Sometimes, I still catch myself thinking that it was always the opposite, seeing how I’d know him to always be in suits for so long.

To my surprise, I don’t flinch or pull back when his hand arrives on my shoulder as I wipe my mouth with a napkin.

“You don’t know how happy it makes me to see you eating, and enjoying it . . I’m surprised you haven’t broken into that plate of brookies yet,” he comments. Something happy buds on my lips when his lips sponge a kiss to my temple.

“So am I,” I reply, cutting myself another bite of the food. To my happiness, his arm comes around my shoulder and stays there. I welcome it and feel a warmth grow in my gut upon finding the courage to meet his eyes. They hold something that I learn to be mischief when he plucks one of the cookies off the plate. “Hey, save some for me.”

“Don’t worry, they’re all yours. Well, except a few for me. Maybe we could split them down the middle. Half for me and half for you,” he suggests with a cocky shrug to his broad shoulders. It surprises us both when my lips spill a few second giggle. “You have no idea how much I’ve missed that sound.”

“I’ve missed you,” it’s but a squeak and still, I know he hears it by the sad curl of his lips. “I’m going to try.”

“Thank you, my lovebug. That’s all I can ask for,” he smiles, stealing a quick peck from my lips. It catches me off guard and I find myself staring at him while he manages to take a bite that’s half of the cookie. He winks at me and I turn away, shoveling a large bite of cheesy pasta past my lips.

Another bite had donned my fork by the time Claire found her seat beside us. I’d made a dent in my garlic bread by now as Harry worked on his second cookie.

Swallowing, I loaded my fork with a scrap of melted cheese and bolognese sauce. “Claire. How . . How did you do it? Be okay again after losing your baby? It . . It feels impossible,” the words seem to come from nowhere at first.

After a few moments, I know where they stem from, and just how much importance they hold. It looks back at me in Harry’s eyes when I peer up at him, smiling back when he thumbs away a tear below my eye. As her response hits our ears, I reach my arm out and across his back, holding tightly onto his side. I didn’t let go once as we cried together with his grandma about our lost babies, and neither did he.

I went to bed with a hope in my heart, thinking that tomorrow would be different. Alas, I woke up to an empty bed and it wasn’t. I wasn’t surprised but sure, I was let down. I knew that somebody else would be much more disappointed than I was, if that were possible.

It wasn’t long after my waking realization that there was a knock on the door anda creak, “Hey, buggie. I’m making french toast. How many pieces do you want?” The rest of the night had been uneventful, for once. His grandma stayed for another hour or two as we ate cookies and I finally talked about it. Her. Now, lying with my back to Harry, I didn’t know how to do that again. To talk. “Wakey wakey, it’s nearly noon.”

His voice was closer now as his hands settled on my shoulders from behind. The feeling of his thumbs kneading the tissue made me want to let him drive away the intrusive thoughts. To let him win, but I didn’t know how. Yesterday had seemed like a fluke, as I looked back on it. Even if he was her father, how could I explain to him the hollowness that had filled me when I remembered that my child had died inside of me? No, that wasn’t something he could understand, nor could he hear how much I wished he had been there that morning. That the fact he wasn’t there had changed everything. I couldn’t tell him that and I never wanted to, but I’d gotten close. At the times his nagging and hovering drove me up the wall, my tongue itched to deal the worst blows just to get him off my back. I knew it was wrong, so much of it was but I didn’t know how to stop. All I knew how to do was to drown myself in my regret afterwards. Sometimes, I was mad that we couldn’t keep alcohol around, but at others, I was glad for it.

His molasses voice murmurs my name once more, another time that I ignore, until I can’t. “No thanks.”

“I can bring it in here for you. There’s bacon and strawberries too. Orange juice, as well.”

Shaking my head, I bury my face deeper into the pillow, finding that it has his smell. At one time, he had been my safety blanket, but now it was his smell that could calm me down. I wanted to feel guilty about it but I didn’t have the energy to feel guilt because of anything else as it was all focused on one thing.

“I’ll have a little bit,” I surrender, listening to his hopeful response before leaving. For once, he let me eat alone in the bedroom. But he still inspected my plate, and I could tell that he was biting back a remark as he read the paper at the island.

“Can we talk?”

“What about?” I replied, bending over to place my dishes in the dishwasher. Standing back up, I fail at readying myself for his next onslaught of questions. The ones that I can’t answer.

“You know . . About Phoebe,” he answers. I hear it, the way he has to shove the words past his lips in order to get them out. I only know because I’ve done it a thousand times, and often with him. You do it when it’s too hard to say, but you know that it has to be done regardless.

“What’s there to talk about?”

“Becks,” he sighs, annoyance clear in his voice. “I thought you said that you were going to try. Last night went so well and you did great, I-.”

“I just can’t do it today. Okay, Harry?” I retort tearfully, catching the sagging of his features when I lock eyes with him. Sighing, I forget the cookie I’d picked up, placing the saran wrap back over it.

“So what, we need to schedule a fricken time to talk about it?”

I’d begun my retreat, but I wasn’t far enough yet. No, if I was in earshot of Harry, it wasn’t over yet. It had always been that way, ever since the beginning.

“Harry, please,” my words start, decorated with tears that drag my words underwater.

“We got pregnant and we . . we had a miscarriage, Becks. It’s nearly been a month now, but what comes next? When do we get back to normal?”

I hadn’t even been facing him and the words felt like a slap in the face. The look on mine must have felt similar to him, because when I turn around to look at him through blurry eyes, he melts into a puddle of regret.

“I didn’t mean it that way, Becks. Not-.”

“Not what way, Harry? That we should just forget about it and move on with our lives? God, you’re sounding like the doctor the other day who said that we can start trying again whenever we want. But I don’t want to try again yet, Harry, because I’m too scared that we’d lose another one- I mean, what if I can’t have kids? And- I don’t want to forget her or replace her,” but he didn’t hear the last part and I hadn’t decided if I’d wanted him to.

“You don’t know that, Becks, and that’s not what I meant at all. I promise,” he interrupts. The legs of his oversized sweatpants sag down to his ankles when he stands. “I didn’t say we had to get pregnant again right away. I’m fucking scared too. I just mean that I want us to get better. Collectively and on our own. I hate seeing you so upset all of the time, and just want you to be happy. We’re supposed to get married sometime this year and I still don’t know when that’s going to happen. The house is going to be ready in a few months, and I wanted to bring you there one day to look at the progress.”

I had begun to shake my head long before he’d stopped talking. It brought an edge to his words and an annoyance that I didn’t like, despite inciting it. A loud puff passes his lips and he returns to the chair, raking a hand through his hair. That either meant annoyance or boredom, or both. Like I tend to do, I take it personally and figure he’s both annoyed and bored of me, not that it was anything new lately.

“I can’t do that, Harry. I-I can’t,” fumbling with my words, my hand gets caught in my hair as I avoid his eyes. It doesn’t stop him from retorting an inquisitive ‘why not?’ “How am I supposed to go and see the house we’re building that has five extra bedrooms, Harry? How do you expect me to look at the rooms we planned out for o-our kids, and one for . . for Phoebe’s nursery when she’s not coming anymore?”

“Becks,” the nickname leaves his lips like that one breath that’s knocked out of you when you fall. The wrinkles that are rarely there above his eyes return as his eyebrows fall deeply. “I didn’t . . I wasn’t thinking. I’m so sorry.”

“And so am I, but . . I just can’t do that right now, o-or talk about her. I’m sorry,” I say with haste to my words and in my actions. The sad sound from his lips follows me to the couch where I perch, pretending to watch the tv. He doesn’t join me and after a while of pretending, my eyes start to droop.

The image of Shrek and Fiona making animal balloons falls away until a sound wakes me. Time had passed because now Fiona stands in front of Lord Farquad and Shrek is nowhere to be seen.

“I’m going to run an errand. Is there um, anything you need, bug?” he murmurs, the jangling of keys adorning his words.

“No thanks.”

“Okay, I won’t be long- Becks?” he speaks up, clearing his throat at last. I call back a question and wait as he idles. “I really am sorry about earlier, I didn’t mean anything insensitively or to upset you. I’d never want to do that.”

“I know, Harry. It’s okay,” are the last words that pass between us before he bids me a goodbye. I welcome the lack of silence but curl into the couch more, pulling the blanket around me as the movie continues.

My head throbbed when I stood up, but it had been happening a lot lately. I knew it was because I hadn’t been eating much, and as I think about that, my feet lead me to the fridge.

I couldn’t remember the last time I had felt full after eating, and still wanting a cookie afterwards. Like I do now. Licking the crumbs from my fingers after the last bite, the wooden floor is cold against my bare feet. For a reason I don’t know, I soon am staring up the staircase, and in that direction. It pulls at me to climb the stairs, but something deep down throbs in denial.

Instead, my attention is stolen when my ringtone blares from the couch. I lose my phone half of the time these days and so calls went unanswered. Assuming it was Harry with a grocery question, I picked it up without looking at who it was.

“Hi, Boops.”

“Dad,” I almost sigh, but I was unsure as to why. Was it the bombardment of talking to my dad on the phone for the first time in almost a month? Most likely. Or was it the homesickness that grew in my gut at the sound of his voice. “Daddy.”

“Hi, honey. I was hoping you’d answer. I’ve missed your voice.”

Sinking onto the couch, my bottom lip quivers as I try to breathe in slowly, but my heart won’t listen. It hasn’t for a while now.

“I’ve missed yours, Daddy.”

“Oh, baby girl,” he says in an exhale. Already, I know that he hears what my voice is dipped in, but I don’t hide it. It was too late for that. “I can’t tell you how sorry I am.”

“I’m getting really sick of that word, but thanks, Dad.”

His classical chuckle begins its opening but it falters there, and so did any chance at mine. Silence had rarely been uncomfortable with my Dad. That was only when I’d gotten into trouble or when I was trying to tell him about something that had happened with my Mom, which usually went hand in hand. Over the years, I could hardly count the times silence had grown awkward between us, until it did now.

“What are you doing?” he decides to say, lifting my eyes to the tv screen where it appears Fiona and Farquaad will get their Happily Ever After. I knew without needing to think what would happen next. They wouldn’t, because it never really happens that way. No, it’s not that easy or immediate.

“Watching Shrek on the couch.”

“Is Harry there?” he murmurs a question.

“No, he went to do something not long ago. I don’t know what,” I answer, wrapping the tassels of the blanket around my finger until it hurts. “I think he’s mad at me. I can’t tell anymore, it seems like he always is.”

“I’m sure that’s not true, honey.”

Shaking my head for nobody to see, I taste blood when pressing my lips together to hold back the whimpering. Sniffling, I breathe in raggedly before speaking, “I think it is . . I can’t blame him, because I’ve been so horrible to him, Dad. H-He was supposed to be a Daddy and I’ve forgotten that he’s g-going through all of this too. I’ve been in my own little world being sad a-about the baby, and I forgot about him, Dad. I’m supposed to marry him soon, and I don’t even wear my ring anymore, and I can’t go upstairs, and-,” he doesn’t cut me off. I leave that honor for myself as I watch the color drain from my finger when I unwrap the tassel. I’d slowly come to hate the color red, even refusing to eat strawberries at first. It’d become the color I’d hated most after . . after that morning.

“I’m sure that he understands, Ree, or he’s at least trying to. I’ve spoken to him a few times now, and he’s not mad at you. He’s just frustrated and overwhelmed. Harry hates to see you unhappy, it’s always been that way with you too, and vice versa. He wants to fix everything, but I told him that’s not always possible. You can’t fix another person . . . and neither can you, Boops. You’re doing your best and so is he, and after a while-.”

“But I’m not, Dad. I’m hardly trying, only when I feel like it. I . . I don’t know how to do any of this and I don’t want to. I don’t want her to be gone. I was supposed to be a Mom. Her Mom,” I weep, pressing the handful of blanket against my eyes, catching my tears.

“I wish I could make it all better for you too, honey. Ever since you were little, I wanted to kiss the owies better and tell off the kids who were mean to you, but . . . you have to do it yourself and when you can, Becky. You can’t rush this. Grief, it doesn’t have a timetable or a road map- and, honey, you are a Mom. You’re Phoebe’s Mom. Nothing will ever change that,” somehow, I cry harder at his last words, melting into the couch.

“Thank you, Daddy,” I cry into the phone, wishing it was his shoulder, instead. It’s a few moments filled with the sound of my tears and his own sniffles, before I speak again. “But how do I . . how do I let Harry back in? I pushed him away without meaning to and now we’re so far apart, Dad.”

“I think that you need to remember that he’s grieving the loss of a child too. Your child together, Ree, and that he’s feeling the exact same feelings that you are. He’s devastated at not getting to be a father to Phoebe, to meet her, watch her grow up into a person, and do all of the things that you’re grieving the loss of too. You’re a team, honey, and you need to give each other some grace too. There aren’t any rules to this and maybe I shouldn’t talk because I’m divorced, but the first reason you’re there with each other is because you love each other. You have to remember that too, honey. Hey, I’m sorry, I think I’m burning my dinner in the oven. Can I call you back later, sweetie?”

“Yeah, Dad. Of course. Um, thank you. That really helped me,” I reply, swiping at my tears with the dry side of the blanket.

“I’m glad to hear it. I love you, Boops.”

“I love you too, Daddy,” and he’s gone. All I hear is the silence of the dead call and Shrek’s voice on the tv as he yells at Lord Farquaad. It’s what fills my ears and distracts my mind when I lay my head on the pillow, resting my hand on my belly without thinking. But unlike every other time I’d found myself doing it since . . since I was actually holding my baby, I let it stay there, wildly wishing she could be here watching Shrek with me.

I heard him come in when the credits of the movie are switching to the opening of its sequel. It was arguably the best, in my opinion, but it was something Harry and I had always disagreed upon. The memory sparks an invitation for him on my tongue, but upon raising my head, I watch him disappear down the hallway.

My ears aren’t sure what to focus on, the sound of his parting footsteps, the racing of my heart, or guitar strings soon being plucked from down the hall. It wasn’t much of a choice, because my feet were already leading me towards his study. A place where he had been spending a lot of time recently. I find myself gravitating towards the sound and wanting to hear more, but I stop outside the door nervously. My heart pulls me forward, despite the way it gallops, making me feel sick to my stomach. Standing there, I wonder why this is something I’m nervous about, but nothing is the same anymore. I hadn’t felt this way for what had it been now, years? There hadn’t been a time since the beginning that I was nervous to talk to Harry, and yet, here I stood doing just that.

His playing stopped and I perked up, making out the scribbling of pen on paper. Was he writing a song, I wondered quietly and wished I could ask. I didn’t know how to, and that was something I’d thought too many times lately. How to get out of bed. To eat a whole plate of food. Talk to my family and friends. I hardly even knew how to talk to Harry anymore. That’s what was holding me back, wasn’t it? Sure, if you wanted to sum it up.

“I know you’re standing outside the door . . Did you need something?” Harry murmurs, an edge to his voice. It was one that had appeared out of the blue and refused to leave. I only knew because I’d felt my voice change like that too.

There’s the creaking of the floor before I press the ajar door open enough for me to fit through. I find him sitting back down on his office chair, but he faces away from me, a guitar propped on his lap.

“How’d you know?” I ask softly, still awkwardly standing in the doorway. His eyes flit to mine and I’m unsure of why I look away, except that I can’t face him. No, not when mine are still wet and I’m sure they aren't going to dry up anytime soon. Not after what I’m about to say.

“You forget how long I’ve known you,” he mumbles, peering down at the moleskin journal he scribbles in. “Four years, give or take. You learn their cues and the sounds they make when you come to know somebody for that long. That’s how I heard you at the door, it was your footsteps.”

“Oh,” I respond flatly, feeling dumb. His tone doesn’t imply it and nor do his words, but the embarrassment has run rampant already.

Watching him write and escape to his own little world had always been one of my favorite things to observe. Even his handwriting was something that brought me . . comfort. I blamed it on the familiarity, but as it pours from his pen, it makes my heart slow down a few ticks.

“My Dad called and we talked for a little bit.”

Harry hums a reply, crossing something out on the piece of paper. Scratching his head, he sighs whilst staring at the writing. I can’t make it out from here, but once again, the silence finds its old spot. Remembering his initial question when he heard me at the door, I worry that I’m bothering him. Gulping past the nervousness and doubt, I pedal forward.

“Was that yours?” I ask warily, noting his head rising so he can meet my eyes for a split second. They hold a question in them, perhaps dozens. “The song. It . . It was really pretty.”

“Yeah . . It’s just something I’ve been playing around with,” his answer comes out in a pillowy tone. It has changed ever since . . since I’d run away from him, and I hear it now as he speaks his reply.

“I really . . really like it,” I comment, looking towards the ceiling when his grandfather’s Gibson acoustic grows hazy in my eyes.

“Thank . . you. Hey, what is it? Did your dad say something that upset you?” it had been so long since I’d heard that steely edge absent from his voice. I don’t know why I mourned it, because it was my fault it had ever arrived in the first place. Wasn’t it? “Becks.”

“Yeah, he said a lot of things th-that made sense, actually,” I confess, dropping my head to stare at my fingers that I wring. I’m unable to ignore the feeling of my lips trembling against each other, despite busying myself with adjusting my rings. They stop when I arrive at the one that speaks volumes, and how deeply I’d ignored it.

Braving the storm, I finally look at him. His greens are patient and soft, something neither of our eyes have been for the other for awhile now. Without breaking eye contact, he settles his guitar onto its stand and discards the pad of paper.

“Harry, c-can I have a hug?” slowly, the overdue question comes.

“Of course,” he responds, a corner of his mouth quirking up. Already, he’s holding his arms out towards me. “You’ve never needed to ask, buggie.”

“Thank you,” I murmur, feeling the air whoosh out of me when my body touches his. Somehow, my chest shakes harder with a new sob. It only worsens when his hands come under my thighs, lifting me up to sit on his lap.

“It’s been so long since we’ve hugged,” I know he doesn’t mean to, but it feels like a chasm through my chest when he says that. The guilt that had arrived at my dad’s words increases by tenfold.

“I’m sorry,” it’s but a whisper against his neck, my favorite place for hide and seek. But it was always him seeking me, it had been for months now, and I hadn’t let him win. Not once.

“What?”

“I’m so sorry for everything, Harry,” I repeat, pulling back to find his greens swarmed by tears. Swiping my thumb under them, I catch the way that they leak with sadness. “For how horribly I’ve treated you this last month, and how . . how I forgot that you- you lost our baby too.”

“Oh, honey. You don’t have to-,” he begins, adamant in his apology. One that I won’t accept.

“No, but I do have to apologize,” I sob, surprised at the way I’m shocked by the rough feeling of his cheeks. It had been so long since I’d touched him like this, despite watching him grow his beard out. “My dad, he . . he put it into perspective for me. I can’t believe I didn’t see it before, I hate myself for that, for-.”

“Hey, don’t hate yourself for anything. This last month has been a Hell we never thought we’d have to endure. Something we shouldn’t have to deal with, and one that isn’t our fault,” he insists, thumbing at the place where a dimple would usually fall in my left cheek. I’d forgotten it was there, just like I’d done the same to him.

“But all you’ve been doing is trying to take care of me, and I made that so hard for you,” comes my cry against his palm, feeling the way he holds me together from breaking for the thousandth time. No, that would imply I’d have been put back together, but that wasn’t something I’d done. “You tried to make me eat and I fought you on it until you stopped talking about it. I argued with you and ignored you when you were just trying to keep the world going, but you never stopped, even though I did. You didn’t stop living and loving me when I stopped.”

“Becks, it’s okay,” he repeats, the words sliding into my ears as my hand wanders to his neck. A hoodie with cartoons from our childhoods dons his upper half, tattoos peeking out from the color. I found the charm of his necklace instantaneously, something I could do in the dark.

“But it’s not, Harry. It’s not okay how I treated you. I forgot you and that you’ve been mourning the loss of your child too. Our b-baby,” I whimper, sniffling when I inhale uneasily. My fingers shake before me until he takes hold of my hand, surrounding it with his own before pressing it to his lips. “I’m so sorry.”

“I forgive you, Becks. I always will,” Harry says, tucking his chin over my head when I melt against him. “I meant it that first night after we came home and you disappeared on me . . We lost our baby, our child, and I can’t . . I can’t lose you too, Rebecca. I have, time and time again, and I can’t do it again. I’ve hardly stayed pieced together lately being so far away from each other like we have . . God, the only thing that kept me going was just thinking, ‘one more day’ for so many days.”

Hiccuping, my hands brace themselves against his taut back, feeling his own drift along my spine. Shaking my head against the crook of his neck, I struggle to breathe, let alone speak, “I’m so sorry, Harry. I can’t believe how awful I was to you. We’re supposed to get married soon, and I can’t even live up to that in sickness and health part of the vows.”

He continued to murmur assurances that everything was okay, and for the first time in a long while, I found myself believing him. Crying against his neck, I heard his own shed tears onto mine as my hands rubbed circles into his shoulders.

“I’m sorry I got mad at you that day for going to work, even though you asked me and I said it was okay . . And-.”

“Shhh, it’s okay. You don’t have to do that, Becks,” he assures me, pressing a kiss to my head. Again, I believe him, and it feels easier to breathe. Just in the slightest.

“I was such a bitch to you.”

Something sparks inside of my chest at the sound I hear next, one that had been lost along the way. His laugh. His song.

“I’ve been known to be quite the dick on one or two occasions, as well,” I savor the glint that appears in his eyes upon pulling away. It had been one of the first times I was able to lift my head since before all of this had happened, because it had been better just to hide. No, not now.

The quirk to his lips is a full on tilt now, and through them, I’m reminded of what drew me to this man in the first place. It was those eyes and that smile that made me melt upon impact. Well, then there’s the sunshine they share, and how I taste it when his lips meet mine for really the first time in what, a month. Emotion pulls at me from somewhere underneath at the thought, but he makes me forget rather quickly. He’s always been good at that.

His peppermint chapstick sticks to my lips after he’s pulled away several seconds later, trying to catch his breath. The cobwebs have been dusted away in more ways than one, and it feels weird at first, wrong almost, but I laugh. It catches him by surprise too and his eyes focus on me, and only grow brighter.

“I’ve missed kissing you, and laughing with you,” Harry grins, pressing one more to my lips before brushing his nose against mine.

“So have I. I’m s-.”

“I swear, if you say that word one more time,” he tuts, shaking his head with his bottom lip caught between his teeth.

“What are you going to do?”

“I don’t know. I’ll have to figure out something,” he says, sighing for the dramatic effect. I giggle along with him a moment later, remembering the flecks of gold hidden in his eyes. I remember a lot, too much almost, and the gold is gone as my eyes flood once more. “I know it’s hard, Becks. Something has never been this difficult for me . . for you either. But we have to talk, and I’ve been aching for ages now to talk to you . . I don’t want to ignore it, because they shouldn’t be forgotten. Our daughter. We need to talk about them, about her,” I’m nodding before he can finish, feeling his warm lips against my forehead as I focus on my breaths. “In and out, bug. In and out. We can do this. We’ll start slow.”

I haven’t stopped nodding, but once my lungs start to work again, I pull away and find his eyes once more. It comes to me and I can’t hold it back in anymore, knowing I need to say it first. To tell him.

“Okay, let’s talk about o-our daughter,” I begin, cringing at the sound of my voice breaking already. He nods, cupping my face in his palm, the sweetest of looks on his face.

#harry styles #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles alternate universe #one direction fanfiction #one direction #fanfic #wattpad #harry styles wattpad #writing #vanchlo writes #heck yes #becky x harry #tempestad #elmundodebecks

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linphd · 5 years

Text

katsuki x sad!reader | crybaby

katsuki bakugou x reader

gender neutral

When Katsuki finds out his lover's dad passed, he tries his best to cheer them up.

warning : mention of death

(f/f) means favorite flavor

You knew how to play piano. However, there was only one music you could play with a lot of skills, both hands at the same time, and fully. When you were trying to play something else, you were struggling with your both hands and sometimes couldn't manage to finish the song. And why ? Because your dad made you practice this song with him since you were 6.

You both watched Pan's Labyrinth together, and even if he was afraid at first that it would scare you, you actually ended up loving it. Pan's Lullaby was your favorite music, and your dad, knowing how to play the piano, taught you how to play it. You actually didn't show off about how 10 years of playing the same song made you totally master it.

Actually, nobody knew you could play the piano. There was one in the common room at Yuei, but only Momo and Jiro were playing it.

You were thinking about it because your dad had just passed. You got a call from the hospital ; he was called to help some heroes in Tokyo for a rescue mission, but another group of villains attacked, and he didn't make it. You were sure that Yuei would've let you go back home even if all the students were watched due to villains' attacks, but you didn't want to go back home yet. It was where he lived.

You were in your room when you got the call, so you just stayed there, not telling everyone. Your classmates were used of you staying in your room, so they didn't really notice that you weren't with them.

Katsuki was back from a training with Kirishima. Seeing you not around, he asked a girl if you were in your dorm, and she said yes. So, he made his way to your dorm, knocking on the door. He knocked 4 times louder and louder in case you were busy, but since you weren't listening, he just opened the door himself.

You were crying on your bed, some video on your computer you weren't even watching. He closed the door, raising an eyebrow. ''Why are you whining again, crybaby ?'' Well, yeah. Despise being Katsuki's lover, you also had your shitty nickname he gave you at the beginning of the year, because you were whining all the time. However, you had a good reason this time.

''My dad died on a rescue mission in Tokyo.'' You managed to say, trying to wipe your tears away. Katsuki felt awful. His jaw dropped while he was trying to find something to say. He just sat next to you and hugged you tightly. ''I'm sorry...'' You didn't really care though. ''You're like that, you didn't know, it's okay.'' And you weren't even mad. He felt really awful. ''You don't want to go home ? -No, it's better here for the moment.'' He just nodded and rubbed your back, resting his chin on your head.

He comforted you for at least 2 hours. Then, it was time for dinner, and you still didn't want to go out of your room. ''I'll bring you your plate. Do you want me to eat with you or do you want to eat alone ? -With you.'' He smiled a bit after he heard the answer, nodding, then made his way to the dining room. ''(Y/N) doesn't feel good, I'm bringing them their plate. -They're sick ?'' Mina asked. But Katsuki just took your plate without answering her and walked back to your room.

The next day, you didn't go to class. Aizawa heard about your dad's death, and he let you 3 days off. You could ask for more if you needed it, though. And since nobody was there, you decided to go out of your room and spend your day in the common room. After some time, you looked at the piano -it had been months since you hadn't played anything.

You sat, tried it on a bit, and then began to play Pan's Lullaby. The more you were playing it, the more your tears were falling, even though you weren't making any noise. What you didn't expect was Katsuki to arrive and sit on the floor, next to the piano, to watch you. When you turned your eyes to look at him, he smiled at you, but didn't say anything.

You wiped your tears away when you were done. Katsuki stood up to kiss your forehead. ''I didn't know you could play an instrument.'' You smiled at him. ''My dad and I used to play this same song for 10 years, because I really liked the movie.'' Katsuki laughed. ''You played piano for fucking 10 years and you never told me ?'' That managed to make you laugh as well.

When you noticed that school was over today, you walked back to your room. However, on your way, you heard Kaminari. ''Dude, why did you skip class ? You never do that ! -Shut up !'' Then, it was Sero. ''He wanted to take care of his lovely (Y/N) ! -Shut up ! It's none of your business !'' That's why he was back early, then.

What surprised the others too, was that Katsuki was preparing something in the kitchen. After being surrounded by questions, he exploded (lol). ''(Y/N)'s dad died, okay ?! That's why they're sad, they're staying in their room, and why I'm taking care of them !'' The room went silent. ''Can we... help with something ?'' Izuku finally said. Katsuki only sighed. ''No. Only leave them alone. (Y/N) will go out of their room when they'll want to see you.'' The blonde answered, baking something.

''And what are you doing ? -I'm baking them a cake, because they can't cook for shit. And it's (f/f), their favorite. If that doesn't fucking cheer them up !'' He didn't want any help, but Kirishima convinced him that he could help, by handing him what he needed.

He walked back to your room after dinner, since you told him you didn't want to eat yet. ''Not on my watch.'' He said, taking the cake out the fridge. Actually, he told his classmates they could write their names on the top of the cake, since it was blank. So they won't bother you, but still support you. Everybody wanted to tease Katsuki about his caring and loving attitude, but since he already told them they could write on it while yelling like a maniac, they shut up.

The blonde burst your door open, making you jump. ''You said you didn't want to eat but you are sure going to, because it's a (f/f) cake. I baked it, but the others are supporting you too.'' He said, putting the cake on your desk. You walked to look at it, and saw everybody's names. Katsuki cut you a piece of it. ''I've cut on Mineta's name. That asshole.'' You giggled and he gave it to you. And when you tasted it, oh how good it was. Katsuki really had hidden talents.

After you both ate, talking about random things and giggling -making you forget about your grief- Katsuki seemed serious again. ''You... should go out of your room. You'll be better laughing with everyone and get distracted. If you stay in your fucking room not doing shit, you're going to think about it all the time.'' You hugged him when he said that, making him jump a bit. Still, he returned the hug, kissing your head in the process. You just loved how much he was caring about you.

''When are the funerals ? -After tomorrow, and I have to go back to school the day after. Aizawa won't mind if I skip more, though.'' Your boyfriend rubbed your back. ''Do you want me to go with you ? -No, it's okay. You know he liked you, but it's only family and close friends at the funerals in my family.'' He nodded.

The next day, he didn't skip class. However, when everyone was back to the dorms, you were still there -and you had cleaned everything. ''Why so much cleaning ? -Distraction.'' You said, making Shoto smile at your answer. ''You wanna play Mario Kart with us ?!'' Mina yelled, making you chuckle. ''Sure.'' Iida jumped a bit.

''Guys ! They have to know what we did in class and write down what they missed and-'' he was cut off by Katsuki exploding his glasses. ''And don't get mad, you have a hundred of those in your dorm.'' He then walked to sit on the couch, making you sit on his lap before you start to play. He sure had managed to cheer you up the best he could.

#bnha #mha #boku no hero academia #my hero academia #katsuki bakugou #bakugou x reader #katsuki x reader #comfort

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writerfae · 4 years

Text

@thegirlwithnonickname here are chapter two and three of Always by your side!

I still remember how I wrote chapter three... sitting in my bed listening to "Grow Old With Me" by Michael Schulte on repeat and crying xD I can really recommend that song, it fits the story and especially chapter three very well!

Chapter 2

Tyler lay down and took his phone from the bedside table. He dialed Lucas number. Even though it was already pretty late he answered immediately. As usual.

'Hey.'

Tyler closed his eyes. 'Hello Lucas.'

For a moment there was silence. But than Lucas started to talk again.

'They're fighting again, am I right?'

Tyler nodded. He could hear them downstairs.

'Yes', he whispered. Lucas sighed.

'What's the reason this time?'

Tyler clutched to his phone.

'I don't think they need a reason anymore. Especially dad.'

'Damn. Do you want me to come over?'

Tyler shook his head.

'Don't be silly, it's the middle of the night.'

"So what? I can sneak out.'

Tyler wouldn't doubt that. It wouldn't be the first time.

'You don't have to come over.'

'Sure?'

'Yes.'

'Okay, when you think so... Hey, have you heard...'

He started talking about some story he heard in school or on the internet or somewhere else.

He didn't care if the story was true or not. He was just talking.

And Tyler didn't care either, as long as he heard Lucas voice.

It was calm and familiar. That always calmed Tyler down.

After some time Lucas stopped and asked: 'Is everything alright now?'

Tyler took a deep breath. "Yeah everything's alright.'

'Good. Good night Ty.'

'Good night Lucas.'

That's how it went everytime. When Tyler's parents were fighting late at night Tyler called Lucas. Then they talked until Tyler could forget about his fighting parents.

No matter to what hour, Lucas was always there. Tyler would often flee to Lucas and his family when the situation at home was too much for him to take.

And especially when he was a young boy his mom used to send him over to Lucas home when she knew that her husband would start a fight again. She didn't wanted her son to see that. And she knew that Tyler was in good hands when he was with Lucas family.

He was always welcomed there.

~~~

As Tyler walked down the stairs he could hear his mother talking to someone. His father was at work, so that probably meant she had a guest.

Tyler hesitated. He didn't really feel like having company right now.

But suddenly he recognized the second voice - it was Lucas mother.

Tyler walked down a few steps so he could hear the two women talking.

He sat down at one of the stairs so they wouldn't see him and started to listen.

'... really strong, you and your husband.'

'We... we try our best. It's hard. But we try.'

Lucas mom sounded like she had cried. It reminded Tyler of her call on the day Lucas had died.

Just thinking about that made him wanna go back to his room.

'Say, how is Tyler doing?'

Tyler froze as he heard his name.

'He's not feeling good. The boy hasn't really left his room since Lucas funeral. Sometimes I hear him cry, late at night... It's really hard for him.'

'The poor boy. It would've break Lucas heart. Tyler was his best friend.'

'And Lucas was Tyler's best friend.'

Tyler stood up and walked down the rest of the steps.

'And he'll always be my best friend', he said.

The two women looked at him in surprise.

'Tyler', they both said.

Lucas mom stood up, walked towards him and hugged him.

"It's nice to see you Tyler.' She smiled. It was a sad smile.

'Sit down darling', his mother said.

Tyler took a seat and Lucas mom sat down as well.

Tyler's mother brought them a cup of tea.

'I'll leave you alone.' Then she left the room.

Lucas mother took a sip of her coffee. Then she looked at Tyler.

'I'm here because I wanted to thank you. For your speech. I didn't had the chance to do it at the... at Lucas funeral.'

Tyler could remember his speech. He had to stop halfways because he started to cry. In front of the whole community.

'Lucas deserved a way better speech.'

'Don't say that Tyler. It was beautiful. Lucas would've liked it.'

Tyler wasn't sure about that.

'I should've finished it.'

He was still angry about it. Lucas would've ended the speech. He was strong. Tyler wasn't.

Lucas mother shook her head. 'What's important is what you said, not whether you finished it or not. It was really important for us. That's why I want to thank you.'

'You don't have to. He was my best friend. It was the least I could do.'

Lucas mom smiled. 'Yeah... My little boy... he always wanted siblings, did you know that? He used to ask me when he'll finally get a little brother.'

The memory made her laugh. It sounded a bit like Lucas laugh. Tyler missed it...

'He always wanted someone he could play with. Someone he could protect. He never stopped to ask me. That's it, until he met you. Since he befriended you he never asked again. I think... he had you and that was all he needed.'

She took Tyler's hand. 'He really loved you. You were like a brother to him. You know, I'm really glad that you and Lucas found each other.'

'I am glad too. Really. I...' He stopped.

There was so much he wanted to tell her. He wanted to say how important Lucas was to him. How thankful Tyler was for everything he had done for him. That he changed his life. That he showed him what friendship meant. And he wanted to tell her how much he missed Lucas.

But as Tyler looked at Lucas mom he suddenly realized there's no need to say all this out loud. She knew.

She let go of his hand and stood up.

'I have to go now. My husband is waiting for me. Thanks for your time.'

She smiled at Tyler's mom, who just came back into the room.

'I'll bring you to the door', his mom said.

'Okay. Goodbye Tyler.'

Tyler stood up and said goodbye as well.

'Wait, I almost forgot. There's something I wanted to give you.'

She searched her purse for a small object and gave it to him. As he looked at it he knew what it was. He couldn't believe his eyes.

'That's... that's...'

'Lucas bracelet.' Lucas mother nodded.

'I can't accept this...'

The little item in his hand was really the leathern bracelet Lucas used to wear. He already owned it when Tyler met him. Lucas loved the bracelet.

It was a gift from his late grandfather. It was something special to him. And a huge keepsake.

'Yes, you can. Lucas would've wanted you to have it. I know you'll take good care of it.'

She closed his hand around the bracelet and hugged him again. Then she left.

Tyler stood alone in the kitchen. He opened his hand and looked at the bracelet.

It felt like a piece of Lucas came back to him.

And he swore he would never let it go.

Chapter 3

'Come on, Tyler. Get out of there', his mom called.

But ten years old Tyler refused to leave his hideout. He was lying in his bed, the blanket raised over his head. He knew it was childish. He didn't care.

'I don't want to.'

Today was the first day at the new school and Tyler didn't want to go. He was scared. Because a new school meant new people and a lot of changes. He hated changes.

'But you have to. Otherwise you'll be late for school.'

Tyler ignored his mom's words. But suddenly a second voice caught his attention.

'Yeah she's right! We'll be late!'

Tyler recognized it immediately.

'Lucas?'

The other boy made his way to Tyler's bed and lifted the blanket a bit to get a look at his friend.

'Yeah it's me. I've been waiting for you, buddy. It's our big day today! Why are you hiding?'

No answer. Lucas sighed.

'Let me guess. It's about school isn't it? I promise you, it will be fun! You don't need to worry.'

'But... I am worried, Lucas. All the new teachers and classmates...'

Lucas was an optimist. Where Tyler only thought about the negative things, Lucas saw what was good. And he tried to let Tyler see it too.

'... won't harm you. Come on Ty, we can't stay in elementary school forever. Sure, there are new people. Some things may change, but that's not a bad thing. Just think about all the new things we'll learn!'

That was one of the reasons Tyler was glad to have him as a friend.

'Besides, you're not alone there! We're in the same class, remember? I'm with you. That won't change. We'll get through it together. We're partners, right?'

Tyler peered from under his blanket to look at Lucas, who was smiling at him. And he returned the smile, because he knew that Lucas was right after all.

No matter what might happen. No matter what might change. He wasn't alone. His friend was there. They were a team.

'Then let's go, partner!' Tyler, now a little less scared, finally got out of his hideout.

'That's what I wanted to hear.', Lucas said.

Tyler's mom once said that one of the most beautiful things about Lucas and Tyler's friendship was how they were always there for each other and how they complemented the other perfectly.

Lucas had enough joy living inside of him to lift Tyler up when he was feeling down and Tyler's steady personality calmed Lucas down when he overextended himself.

~~~

As Tyler went into the school building, he almost felt like back when he had his first day at this school. Everything seemed strange and exclusive. The many students, the colorless walls and the noise.

But this time he was alone. Lucas wasn't there to make him feel safe.

Tyler had begged his parents to let him stay at home for another few days. But they said no, so he had to go.

He felt completely overstrained. He spent the last few days alone without talking to someone besides his parents and Lucas mom.

Now that he was surrounded by people again, he was lost.

It wasn't just that he was alone, everyone was starring at him too. Everyone knew about Lucas. And everyone knew that Tyler was his best friend.

So everyone was looking at the guy who just lost his only real friend.

It must've been a strange sight. Tyler had the hood of his hoddie pulled down low to cover up his insomnia and grief marked face and to block everyone out.

But the strangest thing was to see him without Lucas.

Even in school there had always been Lucas and Tyler, Tyler and Lucas. Everyone knew that. The people were used to see the two of them together all the time.

Tyler without Lucas however... That wasn't normal.

And for Tyler it was a nightmare.

He struggled to get through the lessons. He never said a word. All he did was sitting in his classes, lost in thought, playing with Lucas bracelet around his wrist and starring at the blackboard. He couldn't recognize a single word that was said during the lessons.

He couldn't focus. Tyler just wanted to escape.

He could do without the trivial lessons and the pitiful glances of teachers and students.

~~~

'Tyler! Hey! Wait! Tyler!'

Tyler kept walking. All he wanted to do is survive the break and the lessons afterwards so he can go home again. Was it that much to ask for?

'Come on, wait! Hey!'

Someone grabbed his arm. Tyler stopped and turned around. It was Maya.

'What do you want?'

Maya was one of the people Lucas and Tyler spent their breaks with.

It was a small group of people that started to gather around the two boys in the past few years.

Slightly shocked by the rough sound of Tyler's voice Maya let go of his arm.

'I-I just wanted to ask you where you're going. Surely our friends are already waiting. We normally meet every break, remember?'

Actually Maya and the others were Lucas friends, not his. Because everyone loved Lucas. And they accepted Tyler, but he was never a real part of their group. Or at least it never felt like it. He never felt really close to any of them.

'Well, go and meet your friends then. I prefer being alone.'

'But why don't you wanna come with us? I'm sure it would be good for you to have some company. Lucas would've wanted...'

'Don't you tell me what Lucas would have wanted!', Tyler cut her off.

Maya flinched.

'Tyler...'

But Tyler wasn't listening.

'No! I can't sit there with you as if everything is alright. Because it's not! Maybe you can do it, laughing and talking like you always do. But I can't. Not when Lucas is gone and you all are acting as if everything is like it used to be. Nothing is like it used to be anymore."

Tyler didn't noticed that he overacted. He was just full of anger and frustration. It was all too much for him. And he wasn't able to control himself, not yet.

'That's not true Tyler, and you know it! Of course nothing is like it used to be. Lucas is dead and that's horrible! And we all miss him so much. You might not think that, but we do! Just because we still meet up doesn't mean we forgot about him or that he wasn't important to us. In contrary! Because he was. And he'll always be. But life has to go on Tyler. Please, I just mean well.'

Maya sighed.

'Listen, I know you two were pretty close to each other. You knew him longer than any of us. And I know how you feel. But what you just said about us isn't fair.'

'Leave me alone!', Tyler shouted. 'You know nothing!'

'He was my friend too. Our friend. You're not the only one who lost him.'

'Not the only one, huh? Not the only one! But he was my only friend, understand? The only one I ever had. My best friend! For nine years! Nine damn years.

You haven't spent nearly every day with him since you were eight years old. He never visited you as you broke your leg because you fell from a tree while climbing or tried to comfort you because your parents were fighting again.

He was always there. And now he's gone and I'm alone! I'm alone...'

His last words were just a whisper. Tyler felt how tears started streaming down his face. He couldn't tell if it was because of anger or grief or both. All he knew was that he had to leave. Leave this horrible school.

So he wiped of his tears, turned around and ran.

Away from the school building, past hundreds of students. No one stopped him. Maya stayed behind. Speechless.

~~~

'Lucas?'

'Yeah?'

'We'll always be friends, won't we?'

'Of course!'

'No matter what's gonna happen?'

'No matter what's gonna happen.'

'Even when we're adults?'

'Even when we're old and grey. You and I. Till the end.'

'Promise?'

'Promise!'

~~~

The last time Tyler visited Lucas and his spot was on the day Lucas died. He never dared to visit it afterwards. Until now.

After he ran away from school he got back to this place. He and Lucas used to be there a lot.

Tyler didn't knew where else to go. He couldn't go back to school. Or home.

This was the only place he could be alone. No one would notice his breakdown. Or hear his screams.

'You promised! You hear me? Promised! You said... you said you and I... we... you said...'

Tyler thought they had a lot of time left. Their whole lives. After all they would always be friends. They would always be there for each other. No matter what. That's what they promised each other.

But fate didn’t seem to care about little boys’ promises.

'Why? Why you of all peolpe?'

Tyler sat down on the floor, his back against a large rock.

Slowly his anger turned back into the familiar feeling of grief and despair.

Suddenly he just felt... exhausted. So he closed his eyes for a while.

As he was sitting there, eyes closed, he had the sudden feeling that he wasn't alone.

But that was impossible. No one ever came here. Still, it felt like someone... or something was with him.

So he opened his eyes and what he saw shocked him. There was indeed someone. Right in front of him. And he watched him with concern.

Tyler recognized his face immediately. This face - He would know it in death.

But... that wasn't possible.

'Lucas?'

#again this is the original unedited 2017 version #writer speaks #writing #my writing #writeblr #wip: always by your side #discontinued #story #chapter 2 #chapter 3

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kittea · 2 years

Text

11.03.21

i've been reading again. this time it's a book i've been dreading — "loss adjustment" by linda collins, where she recounts the moment her 17-year-old daughter committed suicide, and her life breaks apart in an intangible web of grief, loss and sadness.

i'm only halfway through the book but it brings back so many unspoken memories, things i've never spoken of at all. the book makes me feel so many complex emotions, so deep, that sometimes i have to put the book down because i cannot take anymore of it. i'm reminded of my past, where there were days i thought of killing myself to make the sadness stop, where there were moments i tried to end it all but couldn't bear to, where i wondered what it was like to harm myself because i hated my body and i wanted to feel something other than just pure sadness.

i was reminded of the days after the breakup that i was spiralling in an uncontrollable mess of pain and loss, where it would be normal for me to burst out crying in trains and buses. where i would find myself gravitating to places we used to go to so that i could have a can of beer by myself and soak in all the pain, because i felt like i deserved it. i remember going to sleep in tears and waking up craving a drink. i remember obsessively blogging on a site that has now been deleted. i remember constantly trying to find ways to let the pain out. i remember the drinking. the bliss i'd feel when i was high, because for a minute i could forget about how the sadness felt.

as the author talks about how her daughter died, and the process of adjustment that comes after, i'm reminded of just last year when i had to put my dearest dog to sleep. that was the hardest fucking day of my life. i still turn around hoping to see him; i wake up some days wishinig i could just hear his stupid snorting or the little tap tap of his feet in front of my door. it's been a year but the grief hits me so strong tonight, and i can't breathe. my heart hurts. i miss bobby. i fucking miss him so much that my heart hurts. i wish i could lie down next to him again, just as i did in the past when i was upset and needed a companion. that dumb dog probably didn't understand what was going on, but he let me put my head on top of him anyway. as the author talks about how she found her daughter's body, i'm reminded of when i held bobby gently as the vet injected him.

it's not related, but my friend just got proposed to today, even despite only having been together with her current boyfriend for what must have been a year, two at tops.

and here i am feeling pitiful for myself. i'm 29 and i'm here, alone in my house, playing maplestory and wondering what the fuck am i doing on a friday night. what the fuck am i doing with my life.

i've been together with my boyfriend for 3 years now. we just celebrated our anniversary in january. i know he's only 26 and he needs time. i can't help but feel like i'm sitting in a boat, watching the rest of the world go by, while cruel time is stopped for me.

i told my boyfriend i was feeling sad to hear my friend get proposed to, because i felt left behind.

his response? "i don't know what to say"

i rarely think of it, but tonight i contemplate whether my life would've been different if we hadn't gotten together. if i had gotten together with someone else, do you think i'd be starting the next phase of my life soon? that perhaps, my grandparents would have been able to see me walk down the aisle? that perhaps, my stupid, dumb snorting dog would've been able to be there for me at my wedding, just as he did at my brother's?

i feel stuck. like i'm waiting for something to happen. but we don't talk about it and i want to be able to talk about it.

i'll probably delete this post tomorrow.

fuck this shit.

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artswritings · 2 years

Text

Red 9: A book that shares a title with a song

Life on Mars Tracy K. Smith

How I came to own this book:

I'm not sure exactly how and when I bought this book. I found out while looking it up recently that sometime between then and now, this book ended up winning the Pulitzer Prize and Tracy K Smith became Poet Laureate!

My version of the book does not have the Pulitzer announcement, says it is a first printing, and I'm pretty sure I bought it new, in what would have been 2011, maybe 2012.

What I do remember is that it came on recommendation from my poetry teacher in my final year of college, the lovely Aracelis Girmay. She didn't recommend this book actually, just Ms. Smith in general and her Duende book in particular.

Anyway I know I have enjoyed the book when I've read through it (I think twice now), and there are even several poems I've dog-earred, meaning I especially loved them. I'm looking forward to reading them again.

What I think I'll get out of reading it again:

I'm hoping to reconnect with the poems I've dog-earred. I'm hoping to maybe find a few new ones to gain a relationship with. And like with all poetry I read, I'm hoping to note some of the things I love about her writing and subsume them into my own poetry writing. I'm actually taking a poetry class right now, so the timing is very nice.

Final thoughts: Well first of all, I didn’t actually resonate with the same dog ears -- all the poems I connected most with this time were not dog-earred by my past.

I had a lovely time reading this collection -- I like how it zooms into grief on a molecular level, then zooms out to view it on a planetary, universe one.

As a poet, I'll come back to this book for inspiration on playing with different poetry forms (she uses some really interesting stanza styles!), how to make personal pain so relatable, and how to ponder about space. As a human, I'm sure I can come back to this book next time I'm in the middle of incomprehensible loss.

A few stray thoughts:

This book kind of reminds me of my favorite episode of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine The Visitor, in which Sisko gets stuck in time and his son Jake spends decades obsessed with bringing him back and trying to mourn his effective death, only to be brought back every few decades when Sisko is able to peek through time to be with him again. I don't think this collection had much to do with time travel (though if I remember to, I'll look for time travel on my next reading). However the tenderness of the father relationship, and the grappling of death in sci fi and infinite stars rang familiar.

I did, for sure, go down a David Bowie Blackstar obsession about halfway through the reading, around the time of the line about Bowie never dying. I watched the two music videos (Blackstar and Lazarus) several times, watched a documentary on the last 5 years of Bowie's life, and read a handful of reviews of the album that either came out or were revised after Bowie's death a few days after its release. Again the contemplation of death, how we face it, what grief's place is in the vast expanse.

I think I'm especially drawn to poems that have the color and shape of the seaside (always? especially now?): Wide, resonant, pale blue & light sand Wind, pastel twilight. Shhh, the sea An example is "Everything That Ever Was," which in addition to evoking my idea of the seaside, literally evokes water so that helps. Its long pauses, gentle faded, long grey hair. Like a wide wake, rippling Infinitely into the distance, everything That ever was still is, somewhere, Floating near the surface, nursing Its hunger for you and me And the now we've named And made a place of. [...]

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