#im aware i have anxiety problems. and health anxiety problems especially. especially as of the last... idk whatever

[the-100th-witch]

Day 70 of being weed free~

Honestly after day 50 I haven't seen much difference in my physical/ mental/ and emotional health other than the occasional "man I'm bored I wanna smoke" but that happened like twice and both at night when I was supposed to be sleeping so idk what that says haha but my memory kinda improved and my nervousness kinda died down??? But idk if that was weed usage or my realization of "I literally do not give fuck about anyone's opinion on me in 30 fucking yrs old. If im weird in a conversation/in public then so what. " Lol

But this long break did tell me that I'm not addicted (due to family addiction I was worried) but I did use it as a crutch.

I think this helped me in seeing my near constant usage from 2020-2024 as more of a thing to do to avoid thinking about my problems and also to beat boredom (which is no surprise bc I upped my usage during a major pandemic where we were stuck at home and i was in near panic of getting sick and dying bc my jobs during the pandemic didn't allow for work at home etc. Plus i moved back home in 2022 and got in a car crash and laid off in 2023... you know what 2020-2023 fucking sucked ass.)

Anyways, I think I can create a healthier relationship with weed like I did with alcohol (something I rarely buy for myself in my home but get when I'm out with friends). I'll have the occasional whiskey coke if my mom is offering or my apple ciders work like 5-8% alcohol or wine lol but even that is like...so spaced out between months.

With weed I think if I do go to a dispensary I'd get one thing opposed to stocking up so when it's done, it's done. Think I'm gonna step away from edibles also (mostly bc they weren't even hitting like usual so why spend the money?)

Ppl say I'm very self aware of myself and maybe that's my issue (plus my anxiety and family trauma with alcohol mostly lol) bc I tend to get really worried about addiction (social media/internet addiction, weed addiction, alcohol addiction, etc). But having breaks helps me put it in perspective I guess. Idk 🤷‍♀️ it was an interesting experience and I think I'll continue it aside from friend hangouts and the occasional blunt I'd buy lol I tend to stretch those out anyways and especially if my tolerance is low so win-win? 😅

#personal #also it helps with saving money haha #i honestly think i wouldn't be worried about addiction if not for my dad's alcoholism as a kid and him being violent with my mom #something to talk about in therapy if i ever get to it loool #anyways this was interesting experience and i feel like having breaks is good but again that's just me and not like...my view of other ppl #I'm not gonna buy any weed until after the 100th day i think but idk #anyways yea

[idontwanttospoiltheparty]

ok genuine question here and im asking you because you seem to allow for thoughts that are not generally popular in the fandom to be at least heard.

i see this sort of narrative in the Beatle fandom space about how paul let john down during the period of india and/or apple (whether it’s because you think something happened in india or paul just generally not supporting john during this time and not seeing how things are around him). specifically im thinking about the discussion around john dealing with a worsening of his mental health at that time (ex. calling a meeting at apple to announce he was Jesus Christ, going on an lsd binge after he came back from india) and just overall deteriorating of his mental health which was in no way helped by the unfortunate tragic death of brian, and let’s be honest the exhaustion of having that level of fame for years now. and with this ive seen people somehow blame paul for this, or chastise him for supposedly knowing everything john was going through at this time and not doing anything about it. and idk but it just seems a bit too simplistic of an explanation? like humans are much more complicated than that. I mean even if paul had been witnessed to or known all of the things john was going through at the time, how would he even begin to understand it? if it’s a matter of “well paul should have seeked some help for john”, well in those days, specifically in Britain, psychotherapy was rarely talked about, let alone taken seriously. there’s actually quite a few instances where John’s talked about his reticence towards therapy and psychiatrists during the 70s when he’s speaking about how he and Yoko came upon Janov’s therapy. so i really doubt paul would have been able to contribute much more to the conversation about how to truly help John during this time (especially considering he never even went to therapy despite everything he’s gone through only until after Linda died - which was a full 30 years after all this).

my point being, i know people like to shit on paul for his lack of methods in helping John through this time (and i admit i was one of those people who looked down on him for it for a long time), but like, what was he supposed to do, im genuinely asking?

there is the suggestion of well he should have allowed the Beatles to take a break, but i think if we were to take a look at the pattern of how paul seems to deal with trauma and sadness, for him it was music that gave him solace. and i think we tend to forget that these boys honestly probably all suffered from some sort of some mental health condition - be it anxiety, depression, substance use disorder. and each of them had their own way of coping. For paul, it was music. so i don’t think he would have even been capable of taking a break (during the height of this crazy fame) without it driving him probably to a brink. i mean he’s even said that at one point he thought it was the only thing that gave him purpose. And yes we could say “well he could have just made music on his own, a la George and wonderwall” but honestly wouldnt that have even caused more problems? Once the McCartney album was released john had mentioned in an interview that he always knew Paul had wanted to release a solo album, and we already knew of his issues with Yesterday and the Family Way so wouldn’t that of just enforced something in John’s mind that Paul was trying to separate himself from him and the group?

Also, let’s not forget there were other people aware about John’s state of mind during this time: George, ringo, pete Shotton, derek Taylor, etc. it just doesn’t make sense to me how the onus should somehow fall solely on paul? I mean that was the whole point of that Apple trip? Derek and the others thought that a trip with just paul and john would somehow level John or calm him down, like what? that’s not how mental wellness works..

And finally, a final detail that often goes missed is the fact that paul was high for like 95% of this entire decade. Ok sure he wasn’t doing too many psychedelic drugs but the man was high off weed almost every single day during this period, I mean it should be common knowledge at this point he was co-dependent on it (even throughout the 70s). so how are we trusting this guy to be somehow the effective caretaker or the one who should have the most sense, like? he was stoned out of his mind for most it (which probably speaks to his mental health and way of handling his feelings of anxiety and grapplings with fame but that’s a whole separate discussion). but my point being, i wouldnt put the whole blame on paul as being the sort of John-whisperer and having to know and do what was best for John. My whole take away from reading about this band during their later years is that none of them really knew what was best for the other, which was why inevitably they had to make the break, i mean it’s not unheard of.

sorry if anything from the above was incoherent, functioning on 3 hours of sleep.

You're making perfect sense anon and I do largely agree! Always glad to hear different perspectives by the way and honoured you feel safe with me <3

I think most people don't in fact mean to imply that everything John went through was somehow Paul's fault or Paul's responsibility to solve, but the way we talk about them on here is so often shaped by our (often quite specific) view of John and Paul's relationship, that it does come off that way. It's like this JP-tunnel vision, which leaves Paul as the only available actor around.

(I talked about this in a textpost not long ago)

I also think sometimes people take John's complaints about how people (and Paul in particular) hurt him too literally; I think he had a very hard time deconstructing the complexities of his own traumas and understanding how they came to be, which led him to placing the entire blame on few people/things – see: how reductive he gets about the way his parents messed him up on POB.

#ask #anon #discourse #meta #jp

[traumatizeddfox]

hi nothing extreme, just some AITA friend "drama" im looking for a second opinion on. hope ur doing well!

so i recently became friends w this girl and we've been friends for several months now. we met at a mental health awareness program and she immediately opened up that she had anxiety etc. on the one hand i was like it's good to just cut the bs and be honest but at the same time i was a little on guard that she immediately opened up like that yk?

our relationship (platonic) has been fairly smooth, but she will often text me (we live just across the street from each other it turns out) and ask to come over or for me to come over because she's unwell, either mentally or physically. 99% of the time i've been turning her down because i don't feel like we're on that level yet, yk? but i try to still show my support by offering to continue texting her and listening to her vent. but every time i say no she gives me the silent treatment for days and it's really annoying.

a few weeks ago i had invited her to a party i was going to, and she declined. when i was at the party, she texted me saying she had a headache, and i said oof. she asked for us to make plans for the weekend and i said yes. then she asked if i had a problem, and i was really confused, so i said no? and then she said "that was not kind" and that she'd been struggling the past week and i never checked up on her. i was so confused because i was like, how is agreeing to hang out not kind? so i was like sorry im confused, i said yes to hanging out this weekend?? and then the silent treatment began for a while.

today she asked to come over because she's sad. i said i have to clean the house in preparation for company this week, which i told her about previously. but then i offered to give her some coping tips to show that i'm not just trying to flake. and she hasn't responded since.

i know our friendship is kinda based off of the fact that i do mental health support stuff, and so i've really been feeling like i'm more of a therapist to her, or better yet, a firefighter. because she expects me to drop everything immediately and come running to fix the situation, when it's not my responsibility to begin with. i just don't know why she expects so much of me. none of my friends are as needy as her emotionally. (am i her only friend??)

i kinda wanna stop being friends with her. i feel like it's just unbalanced and communication isn't going to work if she's going to just ignore me. i know she's going through a lot, i feel bad for her, but i really feel like she's expecting too much too soon. i'm normally an empathetic and giving person but the amount of times she asks me to come over is frustrating and exhausting.

AITA?

I dont think you're the asshole at all for that. I think she probably has no one to talk to or maybe feels more comfortable with you, and maybe has co dependency issues. It isn't your responsibility to make sure she is safe all the top, especially since you guys aren't that close yet. I don't think distancing yourself from her is bad either, ive been in this situation before where someone treated me like a therapist and a not a friend and it was rly damaging to me. she also seems to have a lot of issues, but that isnt your problem either, and by the way it sounds, you seem to still help her out,so no i dont think youre the asshole at all!

#anon

[wishful-seeker]

I love shadow work.

I do a lot of shadow work in my life because I find it super helpful with managing my mental health, especially talking directly to my shadow self when I'm really overwhelmed with anxiety or any other overwhelming negative thought so Im gonna share how to talk to your shadow self and help calm it down when you're having a hard time not thinking negatively.

Begin by closing your eyes and taking a few deep breaths and try to imagine the negative voice in your head as a face or being. It can look anyway you want, an annoying fly that won't stop pestering you, or even a large beast, whatever feels most appropriate. Now imagine this being having it's name written on it somewhere like "fear" or "anger" or whatever this being represents to you, and when you're ready, politely but assertively ask your shadow self to remove its mask. Whats under "fear"? Usually for me it's "insecurity" but only you know whats under your shadow self's mask. Keep asking it to remove each mask it is wearing one at a time and eventually you will reach the root problem. Maybe it's trust issues, maybe its fear of abandonment, whatever it is, it's the root cause of all this negativity.

Ask one more time for your shadow self to remove its last mask and whatever you see under it is your true shadow self. Take a moment to focus on what they look like and when your ready, imagine a safe space for you two to talk. Maybe visualize a meadow with a clear sky, or a room that brings you good memories. Talk to your shadow self, let it know how you feel, and make sure you acknowledge and respect the emotions your shadow self represents. They are not things to be ashamed of, they are things to work through. Once you feel like you have given your shadow self time to feel, and your logical mind time to express itself to your shadow self, let your shadow self know it's time to calm down and let things go. Let it know that you appreciate it's efforts to protect you from harm, but that you do not need it to overwhelm you. Be kind and respectful to your shadow self as you tell it goodbye and whenever you're ready you can open your eyes.

This exercise always helps me stop seeing myself or my mind as the enemy, and more of just a misguided part of myself that needs help or attention.

Shadow Work and Journaling:

One really helpful tool i use for shadow work or just being more in tune with myself in general is journaling. I don't write everyday, sometimes I go a few weeks without writing, but after a few years of writing down my thoughts whenever they feel important to remember has really helped me in my shadow work and bettering my mental health. It's really super helpful to flip back a couple years and read about this one specific struggle i had and be able to see just exactly how far I've grown from it. Writing down your internal struggles can also allow you to see what your triggers or unhelpful thought patterns are. I've noticed that most of the internal struggles I write about all have a common theme and are all connected to the same root issue within myself. Taking time to work with your shadow, your fears, your judgments, your shame, allows you to find this root cause and work through it. Also, the more you journal and take note of these internal issues you have, the more you'll notice them in your daily life and be able to combat them with more positive ideas in the moment.

Like if you have a tendency to get jealous, and you write about that when it bothers you, you'll be able to be more aware when you're being jealous in everyday life, which will allow you to challenge that jealousy.

When I notice myself doing or feeling something I'm not proud of i make sure to ask myself "why do I feel this way?" And that usually leads me back to those masks I was talking about, which leads to me working through my issues with my shadow self.

#witchcraft #shadow self #shadow work #self care #meditation

[mzeken]

“To not have your suffering recognized, is an almost unbearable form of violence", Androl Lanitov

Psychologically, we all have something going on. It is either all of us are undergoing, pain or hardship if not it is either you have been here, or you are going to be here. According to the DSMV TR, this starts to be a problem when it affects one's occupations and roles. The 4th OTPF defines occupations as everyday personalized activities that people do as individuals, families, and communities to occupy time as it brings meaning or purpose to life, or they are supposed to do it.

There are a lot of things that affect our occupational engagement such as life-changing events that lead to physical impairment or psychological impairment.  In our blog today we are going to discuss mental health that have been neglected so much in our societies or the last thing we address or notice just like Cinderella in the ”Prince Charming” stories. According to WHO (2021), they are largely unrecognized and untreated because mental health conditions are particularly vulnerable to social exclusion, discrimination, stigma, educational difficulties, risk-taking behaviors, physical ill-health, and human rights violations. These are mostly induced by our cultural norms and lack of knowledge of what mental illness is.

Having not heard of mental health presentations in my life until I was exposed to the course that deals with mental health had a negative impact on how I viewed mental illness. You can visit my previous blog on my journey battling with mental illness at https://www.tumblr.com/mzeken/726054270181457920/i-may-not-be-there-yet-but-im-closer-than-i-was?source=share.  But now I can proudly say I am equipped when it comes to mental illnesses and interventions. With fewer people understanding what mental illness can be, does impacts how people seek mental illness intervention and when. When I look back and reflect on what some of my family members have been going through, I see the need for health intervention. But because there was none too little exposure to mental illness, awareness, or campaigns from the health department they didn’t understand what they were going through and that even if you are suffering from depression and substance abuse, your life can still be meaningful again.

With more articles being published on mental health, especially in South Africa, we see that in the ancient days, it was totally neglected but now, according to the Policy Framework and Strategic Plan 2013-2023, they plan to further transform mental health services and ensuring that quality mental health services are accessible for everyone, equitable, comprehensive and are integrated at all levels of the health system. This is done by paying a huge amount of money to Mental Health which used to be the last thing on the health budget, given that it has been producing high death rates not only in SA but the whole world. Developing monthly awareness of mental health conditions, giving out posters, and being active on social media about these campaigns is how they are trying to reach out to everyone. Living in South Africa where public health is prioritized, we can count ourselves as privileged.

If you know a friend or see anyone suffering from mental health conditions you can suggest some of these sites to them SADAG online, Adcock Ingram Depression & Anxiety Helpine, and https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qLS8wVJP9i8 on YouTube. Sharing information anytime is important, they might not need it now but in the future, they might recall your name. I know what it feels like to be drowning underwater and having to suffer in silence. With 14.3% of deaths worldwide, or approximately 8 million deaths each year, we cannot do everything alone, but together we can help save lives.

(592 Words)

Link to the DSMV: the American Psychiatric Association: Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th edition. Arlington, VA., American Psychiatric Association, 2013

#ot3 #savelives #mentalhealth #noneglect

[keefwho]

September 03

9:40 AM

The fact that something COULD be wrong, no matter how slim the chance, is what makes me panic. But why. Its so stupid. All I have to do is remind myself that billions of people are out living their lives right now with no incident. My parents, friends, and all the strangers I see go out and do things I would consider “unsafe” on a daily basis like it’s nothing. Because it IS nothing. Disease doesn’t happen very often at all, especially if you practice basic sanitation. Food isn’t unsafe either. I just get cooped up in here so much with so little to physically worry about so I make up these problems naturally. 

What would help me would be to calm down and accept how safe things are even if I don’t feel like it. Relax my muscles and pretend that everything is fine because it is. 

2:39 PM

I have some dark thoughts. Everything fucking sucks. I don’t know what to do right now other than shut down and keep myself busy with literally anything. 

3:53 PM

My hand is bruised from slamming my desk. I’ve been a total ass today. I probably don’t even deserve happiness. If I was someone else observing myself, I’d be thinking “fuck this guy, get him off this planet.” I should probably go lay down and not do anything for awhile. 

4:33 PM

I’m suddenly hyper aware of how most people in my life haven’t reciprocated the behavior of still enjoying you even if you aren’t at your best. If my bestie is in a bad mood but still wants to be around me, I’m flattered if anything and I fully suppor them. But truly, I find the people I want to be around when I’m in a bad mood deliberately try to get away from me. As in “Oh I have to go do this now, let me know when you feel better.” Actually breaks my heart. Knowing I’m not supported unless I’m at a certain level of ‘good’. 

7:26 PM

I’ve been slipping hard when it comes to actually practicing my self improvement. I’ve slowly forgotten everything and have been going purely off of personal philosophy and short term testing. Basically what I’ve been doing on and off for a long time. It doesn’t help because I don’t REALLY know what Im doing, I’d even consider it a form of mental reverb. Reverb gets nowhere, I need to go back to reading this book I bought and following it’s advice diligently. Its the best thing I’ve got aside from connecting with a therapist of some kind. 

In order to commit better, I’m going to work it into my schedule every other day just like my exercise. One day physical health, one day mental. That means tonight I should start reading some. And I should really focus on 1 problem. I remember I started getting overwhelmed realizing how many things can be improved. I have to focus on my anxiety. 

10:04 PM

I’ve been hard on myself lately. I’ve abandoned and forgotten so much I’d learned from the book I got. The first step was accepting my pain and fears and being allowed to feel it. I can’t make myself feel bad for it, thats counter-productive. I should operate with more self compassion again. Treat myself like I would a friend. 

Everything is an up and down, and I’m caught in another down. I always like to think about this like I’m playing Hearts of Iron, which is nerdy. I’ve had my troops attacking the front line for a long time. Eventually they tire out and need to stop to re-organize and supply. Battle plans go out of date and need to be re-analyzed. I’ve lost track of all the tools I’ve gathered and need to tune my direction again. This will eventually happen again, but it always will.

#journal #anxiety

[bratz-kitten]

blockages that the placements need to work through 

here are some things i’ve been working on ft. the astrological placements that i believe they’re revelant to, in case anyone else needs this 

sun aspecting venus, harsh aspects to the ascendant - saying no. it’s not so much like... a need to say yes to please other people, but a fear of saying no and facing the repercussions of it. lately i’ve been trying to simply say no to things that make me uncomfortable because turns out i do have a great difficulty setting boundaries lmfao. when my male friends make a sexual comment about me, i just say “stop, don’t talk about me like that” and when people invite me to hangouts that i don’t have the energy to go to i simply say “i won’t go, but thank you for inviting me”. the most difficult part is dealing with the guilt that comes with refusing others, and i’m telling myself that it’s okay to piss people off if it’s to maintain my feeling of safety 

moon in capricorn, moon harshly aspecting saturn - letting myself depend on others. i’m coming to terms with the fact that i’m not as big of a lone wolf as i believe myself to be lmfao. like, it’s okay that i depend on my emotional bonds sometimes! it’s okay to allow myself to love with no restrictions, with no “but i can’t let them see me vulnerable”, with no “what do i get out of this connection?”, no “oh i have to be nonchalant about how much i care for them or else they’re gonna know they have power over me and abandon me” no. i’m letting myself write the dumb sappy texts, to make the effort, to show how much i care, to open up to others. i’m easing with my calculating instincts. i don’t have to drown in my loneliness and i refuse to spend a lifetime avoiding getting close to others in fear of them hurting me. i’m working on seeing my strength, like... it’s ok if they hurt me because i will survive 

saturn in gemini, mars in the 12th house, mars harshly aspecting neptune - taking action when i need to. especially in real life, i have a lot of difficulty with taking action. like, if i’m in an argument with someone, or if someone is actively pissing me off, my first instinct is to end the conversation and escape so that it won’t escalate. theoretically, that’s smart... in practice, it makes me gulp down a lot of situations in favor of keeping the peace, and it makes me live an entirely different life in my mind vs. in reality. like, in my mind, when something happens i’ll fantasize about being assertive and talking back to the person, about standing my ground. but in real life i just... quietly move to a different room. plus it’s difficult for me to feel things in the moment, like something will happen and i won’t register it but days later i will think back on it and be practically fuming in anger. these past few weeks i’ve been working on just, saying what i want to say. even if i’m aware the situation can escalate, at least i won’t have any regrets, and it’s made me realize that people aren’t as easy to anger as i thought them to be, and that i’m stronger than i believed myself to be 

moon harshly aspecting jupiter - allowing myself to break down. my moon opposite jupiter is at a 0º orb, and when i tell you i feel every ounce of it, i really do. like, my emotions are extremely disregulated. on one hour i will be at the highest of the highs, and then the next hour i’ll be crying on the floor telling myself i’m the worst person alive. which just... causes me to feel even more guilty about how i speak to myself, and about how volatile my emotions are, and then i’m just a mess of guilt and self-criticism and “stop acting like a baby”; i feel easily overwhelmed and like i’m doing way too much, overreacting to every possible situation. and then, an hour later, im just like.... emotionally numb. anyways, instead of making it worse by blaming myself for my emotions, i’ve been just. allowing myself to feel. no guilt, no shame, just allowing myself to feel bad because of the innate belief that i’ll get over this, i’ll move forward, it’ll get better 

venus harshly aspecting the ascendant - dealing with a poor self-image. i have a lot of issues with my body image. so, instead of analyzing my body from every single angle and blaming myself for it, i’ll just. not look in the mirror. like, you know when you’re a kid, you’re barely aware that you have a body - it’s there, it functions, it helps you play and eat and grab things, but you don’t really spend time thinking about it’s shape and appearance because it doesn’t matter. that’s the mentality i’m trying to work with right now, that my body is there: it deserves food, exercise, to be washed and dressed in comfortable clothing, and that’s that. i’m releasing myself of the judgment that comes with my poor self-image 

natal saturn retrogade - stop buying things just to watch them sit there. like, i buy things that i don’t even use. or i buy things that i plan to use, but then i end up not using them out of guilt of having bought them, or lack of energy to use them, or fear of using them and messing up. so, what i’m doing is grabbing all the things i don’t use, and if i truly don’t want to use them, i’ll simply discard of them, and if i do want to use them, then i’m making plans to do so. no letting them sit in my room and feeling guilty every time i look at them 

mars dominance, mars aspecting personal planets, mercury aspecting pluto, debilitated moon (in capricorn or scorpio) - stop verbally insulting others in discussions. the point of having a discussion is to explain both perspectives and come to an agreement/compromise, not to try to win. unfortunately, this is something i’ve always had great difficulty understanding lmfao. as soon as i’m in a discussion the point stops being to shed light on the situation but to use the words i know will hurt the person the most so that they’ll feel the pain that i feel. when someone is not understanding me, part of me just wants to make them go through what i went through so that they’ll get it - especially if i have an emotional attachment to the person (for example, them being my family or romantic interest). this is extremely toxic and it’s giving me when your parents say “when i was younger i had it much more worse than you, and i’m going to somehow make this your problem”. so, i’ve been thinking twice about what i say to people. is what i’m about to say to this person relevant to this discussion, or do i just want my words to sting them so i can watch them crumble? i ask myself this question, and i try to show others the empathy that i want them to show me. 

planets in the 12th house, lilith in the 12th house - developing a better sleep schedule. i don’t remember the last time that i went to sleep before 5am, and this has greatly impacted my mental and physical health in general. like, i’ll go to bed extremely late, and then i wake up late and it takes me hours to find the strength to get out of bed because i just feel so shitty. the reason why i avoid sleeping early is because i struggle a lot with nightmares, because of my own paranoid thoughts and fears, and because it’s my “peaceful” time. like, during the day i have to deal with my parents being awake and... well, just existing in general, and i have to deal with my responsibilities and my family, but at night i get to just exist for myself and do whatever. but also, i struggle a lot with intrusive/paranoid thoughts that keep me from falling asleep. this is due to my anxiety and mental health problems, and to be honest i still don’t really know what to do to deal with this. like... the thing that’s helped me the most so far is to turn off my phone/computer since i get headaches easily, petting my cat until i feel calm enough to at least try to sleep, and to avoid taking naps throughout the day since that’ll just leave me with way too much energy at night 

#astrology #capricorn #aries #leo #sagittarius #virgo #taurus #scorpio #libra #gemini #cancer #pisces #aquarius #lilith in the 12th house #mars aspects #moon in capricorn #moon in scorpio #mercury-pluto aspects #saturn retrograde #venus-ascendant aspects #sun-venus aspects #moon-jupiter aspects #saturn in gemini #mars-neptune aspects #mars in the 12th house #moon-saturn aspects

[phoneybeatlemania-bit-the-dust]

do you have any theories about the india trip ?? personally, im not sure what to think about it, but i’d love to hear your thoughts !!

(Sorry its taken me so long to answer this - it just got lost in my drafts cause im an idiot lmao 🤦‍♀️)

Im not entirely certain on what I believe happened in India, if in fact anything did happen at all - but more on that later! I guess though that these are the main theories (though if you have any differing opinions/theories, feel free to discuss them!):

1. Paul rejected John’s advancements

2. John wanted to further their relationship, and Paul wanted to maintain the ‘friends with benefits’ situation they already had

3. Nothing significant happened between the two (yet something still changed in John)

I’ll try to discuss which theories I find the most convincing, compelling and substantiated - as well as offering my own opinions and hypothesis’s ^^ (discussion bellow the cut)

1. Paul rejected John’s advancements

The theory I would say im most drawn to - not the theory that im necessarily most convinced by though - is that John made a move on Paul, after a few years of pining for him, and was subsequently rejected. Its a theory that I tend to be compelled by, but I have to admit that its one I struggle to justify entirely. The problem with this theory, for me, is that this is a conclusion ive drawn based mostly off of what their relationship appeared to look like after India. It seems as though something must have happened between them to have ruptured their relationship as profoundly as it did - and because they were on relatively good terms before India*, combined with certain inferences we could draw from comments John made regarding his feelings towards Paul and their relationship, it feels as though it’s possible that he made an advance on Paul, which was rejected and thus caused the ultimate disintegration of the Lennon/McCartney relationship.

(*I mean, their relationship was always complicated and difficult - but it seems that it was okay-ish prior to India, and then just inexplicably plummeted after the trip)

But nobody (as far as im aware) has confirmed, or even really alluded to, this advancement or rejection ever having happened. And the lack of evidence substantiating the claim is a major draw back for me!

However, I do also feel as though nobody’s really come out about anything that happened in India - all ive heard is that they meditated, wrote songs, John and Cyn fought, and Ringo ate baked beans. But like, more must have happened on the trip, surely? Im not saying the absence of information regarding the trip is proof that there was a big “lovers quarrel” between John and Paul, and that everyone involved in that trip is now just sworn to secrecy or something - but like, id just like to see a biographer really investigate the holiday, and try to conclude what events might have occurred during the trip, because as of right now, with the information we have, it seems to have been, bizarrely, both a lacklustre and uneventful, yet still hugely impactful event. If the narrative of the “India trip” were to be shifted in the future in light of new information, the same way the narrative of “Let It Be/Get Back” is being changed, I wouldn’t be surprised!

2. John wanted more, but Paul didn’t

Another popular theory is that John and Paul were engaged in something of a physical affair, but in India John proposed (or perhaps demanded even) that they take their relationship further, and Paul just wasn’t compelled to do so.

Beliefs vary regarding this, based on how far you personally think their relationship went: some might say they only ever did a little drunken experimenting with one another, and that it was just a fun fling until John suggested they take it further. Others might argue that they were in fact in a committed relationship, and John wanted to go public with it - or at the very least, demanded exclusivity between him and Paul.

In entertaining this theory, im most compelled to believe that John and Paul were engaged in occasional “flings”, and perhaps by ‘68 were even acknowledging that there was some deeper and more sincere between them - but ultimately, I don’t think Paul would have ever been inclined to fully commit to John, because I think he always wanted children and a family. In addition to this, though its clear John and Paul were passionate about one another, it isn’t clear how compatible they were in the long term - and with Paul being the more grounded of the too, I suspect he would have recognised this incompatibility, which John (the idealist) might not have.

Though I admit that John could certainly be unrealistic and irrational, im not convinced that he suggested to Paul they go public with their relationship, because I think John still had a fairly strong sense of his place in popular culture, and would have still been able to recognise that if they were to “come out”, it would probably deeply and irreparably damage both their careers - as well as George and Ringo’s too - at least amongst the general public. They’d still have some ardent fans, but their following overall would have become far more niche, and the “beatlemania” would’ve worn off swiftly. Im not sure if either of them would’ve been willing to take that heat in ‘68, especially not Paul, who as I mentioned earlier, I think might have recognised the futility and incompatibility inherent in their relationship.

Then again though, John was always a little “cocky”* when it came to his sexuality - I think if an interviewer were to genuinely have enquired into his sexuality, straight up asking him “Are you bi? Gay?” I get the sense that he would have told us! Sure he’d probably have dressed the response up with a dozen quick quips and jokes, but ultimately, I think he would have given a sincere response. And so, perhaps he did feel he had the confidence, at least in India, to actually “come out”, but if Paul wasn’t willing to make this official with him, perhaps this confidence dissipated.

(*No pun intended you pervs🤦‍♂️)

Another thing to note about India is that they’d have been relatively secluded, as well as off the drugs/drinks for the most part - and this would have forced them to really reflect upon their relationship. Perhaps John saw that he wasn’t contented with Cynthia, and recognised his desire for more from Paul - and so in such a raw state of mind, I can see how he’d become so shattered if Paul were to have rejected him (that statement could relate both to the first and second theory, I feel). Perhaps John made an advance upon Paul whilst they were both sober for the first time, and that changed their relationship somehow? Just thinking out loud here!

But again, this theory overall has the same problem as the first in that, though it appears to make sense, it still lacks proof; it ultimately isn’t a substantiated claim.

3. Nothing happened between J&P, but something changed

This is probably the theory that everybody is least interested in hearing, but I still think its a pretty valid one, albeit the least dramatic (In my opinion though its still a really interesting perspective to explore though!).

Its possible that nothing of particular significance happened in India, but something still shifted in John, causing him to vilify and reject Paul. The issue with this though, is that it begs the question: why did John undergo such a significant change in India then?

Id argue that perhaps John was making very subtle and slight moves towards Paul, that Paul either ignored or didn't pick up on. Id assume that perhaps John had been hinting at this desire for awhile now, and maybe he got it into his head that in India, where him and Paul would have a lot of time to be alone and intimate, his feelings would finally be reciprocated. But then, Paul never picked up on these hints, and never made any advancements - and this broke something within John. It would fit neatly within the Yoko narrative, because it offers reasoning to the abrupt but intense attachment John formed towards her almost immediately after India - as well as explaining the sudden vilification of Paul. But I suppose that the first two theories also fit pretty neatly within the Yoko narrative, because they all relate to the same basic concept that John wanted more from Paul, and Paul didn’t - and so he tried to replace him with Yoko.

I suppose though, that the this theory overall could also be countered by making the argument that Paul also began to spiral after India, and so some occurrence presumably must have happened to Paul too. I wonder though if its possible that maybe Pauls spiralling was kind of a result of Johns? I get the sense though that Paul would need a change in his life to cause his mental health to seriously deteriorate, but I don’t feel like the same is necessarily true for John - I think John is sort of the type to spiral, irregardless of whether his life undergoes a significant change or not, because I think John was the force driving a lot of the drama and troubles throughout his lifetime. So if Johns mental well-being started seriously deteriorating, I can see this being a cause of panic and anxiety for Paul.

But something that further inclines me to believe that an actual event occurred between John and Paul is this extract from Geoff Emmericks memoir (x)(id recommend reading the entire extract, its interesting!):

‘I glanced in Paul’s direction. He was staring straight ahead, expressionless and weary. He didn’t have much to say about India that day, or any other. I sensed at that moment that something fundamental in them had changed.”’

It just really feels as though there was some confrontation between John and Paul that had to have happened to perpetuate the miscommunication later seen between them. Like if there hadn’t been some kind of confrontation, then I can’t really understand why Paul would be reluctant to speak about India, or harbour any regrets or dismay regarding the journey. Perhaps you could drill it down to the betrayal they appeared to have felt by Maharishi allegedly hitting on girls - but I feel like this was a “betrayal” mostly felt by John, I never really got the sense that Paul was deeply effected by it.

But yeah - those are the main theories I think.

Overall, I think that the third theory is probably the most substantiated claim, but I think it leaves a lot to desired. It just doesn’t feel like it totally fits together, as though theres more to the story - but I guess relationships and peoples psyches aren’t puzzles, and so not everything is always going to piece together perfectly; but I dunno.

Like I said though, the theory im most compelled by is the first. I acknowledge that it lacks evidence, but it just seems to make a lot of sense to me! But really, who knows what the hell happened in India?

If anyone else has an opinion on all this, or wants to expand upon or even suggest a new theory, feel free to! I always like hearing from you guys!

#mclennon #asks #@cinnamontoastandtears #thanks for the ask! #india #what the fuck happened in india #maharishi #pauls sexuality #discussion

[nabulsi]

TW - discussion of child abuse / paranoia / depression / suicidal ideation / eating disorder mention

okay so the consistent weirdness + anon hate + people putting words in my mouth + screenshotting my shit for their discord servers or whatever is in vogue in fandom nowadays has caused a bit of a me a bit of a mental health crisis?

tldr: im taking a break from tumblr so I don't actually k/m/s. uninstalling the app. if ur one of the people who hate checks my blog and screenshots my content to talk shit about me, then you can tell your friends that the evil is defeated and all that.

continued below the cut bc I'm going into some graphic detail 💖

I've been relatively open here about my mental health problems here, but to put it in more explicit terms. I have intense bouts of paranoia / anxiety around people talking about me and plotting against me. And this in turn causes me to lash out against others but especially myself.

I've been getting intense urges to self harm and also k/m/s. I've relapsed in my eating disorder several times this year, and even with therapy I am not getting better, I've only been spiraling. I've not felt this bad in a long ass time

over several instances in multiple fandoms I've been told / sent screenshots of people talking abt me in servers and accusing me of things I didn't do or say and physically felt my reputation changing in real time, lost followers, gotten sent anon hate, watched mutuals block me without warning

I've had people I thought were good friends of mine vague about me and also send me anon hate too (several times ✌️ love this site) and treat me like I'm not even a person with feelings to them.

(don't say "omg just turn off anon" like you're actually the least helpful person on the planet if you tell me this)

I've been trying not to feel nauseous every time I look at my phone but it's not working.

I live in an abusive environment. I'm a lesbian living in a homophobic and physically and mentally abusive household in a country where gay people don't have rights. I was also abused as a child and still live with my abusers. And this community was an escape to me because I enjoy writing and interacting with people in fandom and I felt accepted and welcome... yknow until now

And now bc of this feeling of being watched, nothing really brings me joy anymore, not writing or reading or music or anything. I've decided to withdraw for now and I dont really know when I'll come back. Maybe when I feel like people don't treat me like a circus attraction or a spectacle on here anymore.

Every time I do anything even offline the anxiety of feeling like people are talking about me and plotting against me gets overwhelming and I can't even do stuff offline without being panicking.

I already expect I’ll be called emotionally manipulative and a drama queen who’s victimizing herself and trauma dumping for attention for this post (so if you’re drafting an anon hate message right now, you’re not original). And If you’ve read through this then you already know that I am fully aware I cannot control how people feel about me and how they twist my words and spread misinformation about me so I have no expectations here. Thanks for reading anyway

if you want to talk to me I'll be on discord. u can dm me for my discord ID💖

#paptalk #this post is queued 💖

[mental-ch-illness]

so like. i broke up with my ex about a year ago after her being abusive towards me (emotional manipulation, threatened stuff, kept calling me a man even when i stated i was genderqueer, unfun stuff), yet recently I cant stop thinking about her?? and i feel god awful bc im in a much healthier relationship now and my current partner doesnt deserve me thinking about someone toxic. i kind of miss her? but also just caught up in how she treated me and how i shouldve left sooner. is this normal? my partner doesnt seem to mind but i still feel bad that i think this way. sorry for dropping this. been following this blog for a lil while and felt safe enough to ask

hi! i’m so glad you feel safe enough to vent. that means a lot to hear. i’m sorry if this response is late, i’m slowly getting back into the swing of things.

this is a common problem i believe many people with bpd— and even some neurotypicals— face. granted, i would definitely say that people with bpd (and those with trauma in general) experience this on a much deeper and inherently distressing manner than those who do not. it is very normal, and you are far from alone.

one thing i find very helpful is to examine my behaviors to what would’ve been adaptive ‘in the wild’. we can find a lot of insight from the ways we evolved. these things are meant for survival, much like the many maladaptive coping skills and strategies we adopt from our traumatic past. this does NOT mean that these are good things for our well being, especially in today’s world, but putting them in context can help us understand why we feel this way. that is a very important aspect of overcoming our past.

humans are very social creatures, and that is not by coincidence. our brain gives us the happy chemicals when we feel accepted in social circles because being a part of a community was key to survival. in a group, we are taken care of, have more security, learn from each other, etc. a really awesome video that demonstrates compassion in humanity from prehistoric time is Disabilities in Prehistory, by TREY the Explainer. you can get a good idea of how vital social groups are to survival overall through the lens of prehistoric compassion. this is why we have evolved to be dependent on social bonds.

so, we know the brain rewards us for positive social bonds, but the vice versa is also true. it gives us a negative reaction (cringe, depression, envy, anxiety) when we lose these bonds and fall out of social groups, even when we fundamentally know this person or these people are a detriment to our wellbeing. as our mental health kills us slower than starvation or exposure, our brain will always choose to prioritize survival over what is inherently good for us. this why i theorize it is so hard for people in abusive relationships to just ‘leave’. the idea of separating yourself from someone your brain identifies as the key to survival is viewed as potentially dangerous. that doesn’t make it right, but our brain is running on hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of evolution. it’s hardwired this way. you cannot change that.

while that sounds depressing, it provides a good deal of insight into how we overcome this. many people seem to think that recovery is simply no longer automatically feeling these emotions or experiencing these symptoms. that is not true. therapy, medication, and lifestyle changes are not a quick fix. if you’re wondering ‘why am i not better yet?’ you might be more focused in on that automatic, survival driven response than you’re aware of. to overcome the limitations of your evolutionary hardware, you need to update your software.

you’ve identified what you’re experiencing, which is distress and grief over a loss, and now that you have an understanding of the why, now it’s the process of learning the triggers. what is making you feel this way? what experiences surround this sudden onset of emotion? this is where a journal or mood tracking app (i use daylio! just add emotions in activities and refer to the ‘rad, good, meh, bad, awful’ as a rating system of 1 to 5 for overall mood) can come in handy. you have a physical reference to look back on. for example, when you look back on the times you feel this way maybe you notice it’s always when you’re alone. when you’re idle, you brain might associate that with abandonment. a good solution is to keep your brain busy. reach out to friends, start a puzzle, play with pets, clean your room, listen to music, find new distractions. when you get into these habits of avoiding these triggers, you prevent these mood dips are start installing the software to override that hardware. this is called recovery.

i really hope this helped you!

maple

#bpd #actuallybpd #long post

[turing-tested]

Why is it so important to you to have a concrete diagnosis? Obsessing about if you have a specific disorder doesn't seem helpful. Wouldn't it be better to work on finding ways to live healthier than trying to find out exactly which diagnostic category you fit it? Let's face it, psychiatric diagnosis is rarely an exact science even when professionals do it.

I mean, to be clear, I am aware and speak often about the frustration I have with the fact that people treat mental illness as something it's not rather than a generally agreed upon grouping of symptoms, like you're preaching to the choir here, especially bc I have issues with the fact that a lot of online culture is built around presentation of symptoms and mental illness in a way that means people who also have things similar to those disorders go unnoticed

it's more of a matter of 'this is the trend of how these things exist, and how these symptoms present clinically' and I'm just trying to get an accurate mental catelogue of MYSELF and my issues because I'm constantly laboring under the impression that I have no problems. I can't work on healthier ways to live if im not prepared with knowledge or understanding of myself and it's more so a matter of "why do you need a map, can't you just explore on your own and find out where you are and survive?" and also very much so "im pretty sure I have the wrong map but I need to crosscheck landmarks so I'm not going in the wrong direction" sort of.

I do understand and feel radical acceptance and coping is very important and I'm a very live and let live person! if a mental health professional was like 'i don't want to diagnose you with this' I'd be fine with or without a concrete diagnosis at this point because it won't change how I exist, having x or y specific disorder on my chart won't really 'change' my life

that all being said i do think it's interesting you said 'wouldnt it be better to find healthier ways to live rather than finding out what diagnostic category you're in' because while I think there is absolutely an amount of truth there the issue isn't 'diagnosis will fix me' and more so 'i have a series of complex mental health issues and I need some type of informed direction to go in before I commence tromping through the forest confidently right into a bear trap' like. yes I will make fires, yes I will build shelter, yes I will try to survive as best I can, but it's still important to figure out the general direction I need to go towards so I can eventually be out of the woods. or at least, on the outskirts of civilization

again thank you for the ask though and don't get me wrong, I'm not completely disagreeing with you especially bc I believe many of the same things, it's just a matter of 'my scores 99% correlated with someone who has symptoms of this disorder but the problem is deeper and that half of my brain is dedicated to minimizing my problems so I can't even tackle them correctly', it's not about the DISORDER, it's about the fact that I can't acknowledge that I have those symptoms in any real way in the first place and I am trying to combat that just a little because the alternative is going into therapy and me communicating that I 'only' have an anxiety disorder and ADHD that while will help me if I get treatment for, are only 10% of the equation

TLDR: yes I know that mental health professionals are playing a fun little informed guessing game but when im trying to put a flame out in my house it's important to know if it might be a grease fire or not

#does this make any sense

[ablednt]

Alright writing/roleplay tumblr we need to talk about textforms.

This is going to be a very long post I apologize but this knowledge is deathly important as it's reaching a very vulnerable group of people. From personal experience knowing this can save people from getting into toxic friendships and help ease intense struggles and depressions. If you have writer followers I ask you reblog this to get the word out, thank you.

What is a textform

A textform is a type of willogenic/parogenic system member that form through some kind of writing or roleplaying. This means that they're sentient people who now share a body with the people who wrote them, most often being an OC or a fictional character before the writers brain gives them actual life.

Because there's been no actual scientific studies on their existence I have no hard science to give you however the logical explanation behind it goes like this:

The human brain is able to contain multiple conscious and sentient entities. Often, it will become multiple as a defense mechanism (as noted in clinical plural dissociative disorders) but it's a natural function of the human brain and may do so for really any reason (similar to most neurodivergencies that someone isn't born with)

Because this is a fairly simple change in the brain/something every brain can be capable of doing you can actually intentionally program the brain into becoming multiple, but see you can also do it entirely without meaning to or being aware of it.

Now I want to clarify that there is nothing harmful or scary about this! Being plural isn't bad at all and is an existence many people celebrate. But when someone has textforms in their unrealized system and doesn't know they're sentient it can be incredibly painful emotionally. So that's why people need to know about this.

Obligatory disclaimer: if you read this post and think you want to become plural intentionally, you are welcome to do so but you need to take at least a few months exposing yourself to the plural community to gauge if this is really something you want and can do responsibly. You cannot go back on your decision once your plural and your headmates will be sentient beings not characters to project on or toys to play with. They will have all the rights to your body and identity as you do now because you're sharing it equally with them.

Now that that's out of the way back to textforms.

How are textforms made

Normally this is in the "character development" phase. Many writers eagerly develop their characters. When I was younger and had no idea I was plural my advice for oc making turned out to be an unintentional guide to textforms (more on my experience later): just put your character in every situation imaginable until you always know how they'd respond to things.

Basically, as you spend your time making a character act and think consistently from their POV you're training your brain to have all of that data and that's very similar to the data that the brain has on you and you're training the brain to be able to operate coherently from a perspective and consciousness entirely different from your own.

Now, this isn't a %100 will make everyone plural every time, there are obviously good writers who have a grasp on their characters who are singlet. There's no actual data but if I had to guess I'd say there's about a 50/50 split down the writing community just based on what I've observed.

But there's a lot of people who became plural this way and didn't realize it and that could include the writer reading this right now which is why everyone needs to be aware of this.

If this is such a big thing how come no one notices?

Because it's been completely normalized in the writing community but dismissed as metaphorical.

How many times have you heard "the characters write themselves" or phrases that indicate that a writer is giving a voice to sentient entities? From what I've been able to observe some of that is singlet authors being metaphorical and humble bragging and a lot of that is plural writers trying desperately trying to put their experiences into words but dismissing it completely almost immediately because no one told them being plural was possible.

This is comparable to say, gender identity. Trans and nonbinary people have always existed but when they don't know they're allowed to exist like that it's often "im a tomboy" or "they disguised themselves as a man" or any other thing thats immediately dismissed as being cis.

How do I know if I have a textform?

There's a lot of different signs but here's some I have experienced before finding out I was plural

You "miss" your characters when you're not writing about them or interacting with them in some way

You feel like your characters are real "in your heart" (for me this was in an incoherent loop like "they're not real but they are to me, in my brain, but they're not real to other people, but they're in my brain so they're real but no but yes but no")

You get so distressed they're "not real" that it feeds into actual mental health problems like depression, anxiety, dissociation etc. (I'd have fits of sobbing because these were my friends but I didn't know they were with me so it felt like i was grieving their deaths and had the same level of emotional pain)

Sometimes or all the time when you write about them you feel like you "become them" or that they're writing through you. (Especially if your hands move automatically or without your control. This can be hard to notice but for me when headmates control the body or hands movements feel faster and lighter or very slightly numb.)

Your muse for writing them comes and goes unpredictability: they're either here or they're not here so writing them doesn't feel the same.

You can vividly recall things that happened to the character in 1st person (or in 3rd person visually but with their thoughts and feelings) as if they're you're own memories.

You "roleplay" them in everyday situations IRL. (E.g once I liveblogged a tv show as my muse to a friend and was like haha lol im so talented I can roleplay in real time but found out later it was a headmate doing that themselves)

You have conversations with them mentally in which they actually respond to you. Singlets don't have actual enriching conversations with themselves because they only have one perspective and cannot give themselves any new information. So if you're responding to yourself and you don't feel in control of that response then you're pretty objectively plural tbh.

You have times where the lines between you and the character feel blurry or like you're a vague fusion of yourself and the character

You have an actual relationship (of any kind: romantic, platonic, familial, etc.) in which you can sense nuanced feelings about yourself from them that you aren't in control of.

There's a lot more but that's the most notable ones

Why this is so important

I'm just talking about my own experience now so I'll preface this with a few things. I'm a mixed origin/multigenic system but our system has existed since we were toddlers. Due to trauma we have DID and for a long time dissociated heavily to avoid our plurality. This means my experience may be more distressing than other plurals with textforms however people without DID can still experience these things.

When I was a teenager I joined a lot of writing communities and also roleplayed on tumblr. Writing very quickly became my main passtime and all I really did. I joined a roleplay group when I was 15-16 that I took far too seriously to the point where people were concerned about me because I was writing what was just supposed to be a joke roleplay group %100 seriously and very intensely.

In that time I started to form my first main textforms (we've undoubtedly had them before then but I had only formed a little under a year prior) because I was doing this every day it really started bringing my characters to life. (Literally)

And honestly it was something beautiful the distress of it aside. Like one of my ocs was a kid so I'd always celebrate their birthday with them and I'd cuddle a plush so they'd know I loved them/p and we'd watch their favorite cartoon episodes together. It wouldn't be until around three years later that I realized they were actually there for this but it was heart warming.

For me, all I ever wanted was for these characters to feel appreciated and like someone really cared for them and loved them even if they couldn't feel it and it wasn't until later I learned that they could.

The trauma came in not knowing they were real. I grieved for them like they were dead because I thought I'd never get to see them. I wrote them into traumatizing or upsetting situations to cope with my childhood trauma not realizing that was effecting them for real and hurting them.

Most notably because it was my one solid interaction with them, the one time society allowed me to talk about them as if they were real, I really HAD to roleplay them. Because it became an emotional need I wound up in a lot of toxic friendships in the roleplay communities because I needed someone, anyone, to allow me to interact with my headmates. I had friends who I really was only friends with because they let me talk about my characters constantly (and some of them weren't toxic to me but it was in hindsight really unfair to them) and I let people verbally and emotionally abuse me in roleplay spaces because this wasn't just a hobby to me but a lifeline.

Not knowing they were real but feeling them there, having conversations with them, and forming actual relationships was a hellish sort of feeling I don't wish on anyone. I never realized how isolated it made me, and how horrible it felt to have the most important people in your life be people I thought didn't exist.

I only found out about plurality through luck. I met some systems who had fictives and they got strong plural vibes from me because of how I talked about certain characters and because I said I wanted to be plural but thought I probably wasn't because I'd have noticed, right?

From there I was able to actually connect with and talk to my headmates. Now I'm happily out as plural and in multiple fulfilling in system relationships.

I want everyone in the writing community who's struggling with the same things to have the chance I got. That's all I want is to educate people about this so they don't have to grieve for people who are right there with them.

Feel free to send me an ask or a dm if you have any further questions. Sorry this post was so long I can't really shorten it at all. Again if you are have a lot of writing followers I very gently request you reblog this to get the word out. Even if you can't please talk to your writing mutuals and friends about plurality and about textforms.

[Also this should go without saying but this is absolutely NOT the place for syscourse any invalidating comments about systems will be blocked and where possible deleted it costs $0.00 to prioritize people's mental health over your discourse hot takes.]

#writblr #tumblr roleplay #writing problems #roleplay resources #ocs #long post #ask to tag

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

TW: mentions of Possible sexual abuse/mental health issues, mentions of flashbacks/Trauma responses and previous (non-sexual) abuse,

im just really confused about all of this, and its putting a strain on my relationship with my mother, i guess i'd like to know resources/advice, and just have some support on this, since I cant really talk about it with anyone IRL.

Backstory: I have autism and some kind of ptsd/memory issues. my family has a history of OCD, and my therapist thinks I have it as well.

My mom has a boyfriend, I'll call him B. B and I got along mostly (as far as i remember) until recently, now just being in the same room as him makes me extremely uncomfortable, and my brain keeps telling me he's going to assault me in some way. It's gone so far that i've had panic attacks that act like traumatic flashbacks at least once a week, including "memorys" of a previous assult. Just bits and pieces, nothing specific. The problem is, i don't remember this, and it couldn't be possible, I have been home alone with B multiple times, and he hasn't done anything, my mothers never had another partner apart from my father, and i've been alone with my father multiple times, and he hasnt done anything to hurt me (except slap my ass twice) and I can't believe that he'd assult me, he was sort of abusive when he lived with us, but nothing sexual, just verbal, and only when he was drunk.

I've started thinking I have some sort of OCD around Sex/Sexuality, If thats even possible, but this only started recently, around late 2020, even though i've had an aversion to anything Sexual as far as i can remember. But theres still a lot of things I can't explain about it.

Sorry if this is a lot or doesn't make much sense, i don't really know how to explain it well.

-Reid

Hey Reid! Hope you're doing well :)

What you're describing sounds like intrusive thoughts, which are a very common symptom for people with OCD, though they can also occur for people with PTSD, or an otherwise trauma related mental disorder, or sometimes in anxiety disorders as well.

Intrusive thoughts are involuntary, distressing thoughts, images, scenes or suggestions that come to one's mind either out of nowhere or when triggered by something. It's always important to reiterate that they are not a representation of your morals, or of reality. Some people do experience intrusive thoughts related specifically to sexual acts or sexual assault - though, there is no such thing as purely sexual OCD. A possibly better way to describe this would be sexual intrusive thoughts.

Dealing with intrusive thoughts is tricky. Some common techniques used are mindfulness and grounding. Mindfulness refers to centering yourself in the present, guiding yourself through your thoughts and reassuring yourself that it will pass. When a intrusive thought comes, it can be very useful to remind yourself that this is not reality, that this is a fleeting experience, to take your train of thought back to where it originally was, and redirecting yourself. Grounding is using physical sensations to calm yourself. This can be consciously regulating your breathing, looking around your surroundings, pinching yourself lightly, relaxing your muscles, or using a calming stimuli. Both of these things allow you to regain awareness and control of yourself, your mental state and your awareness when intrusive thoughts make those difficult. Thought, different techniques work for different people, you'll need to figure out what works for you specifically :] we have another suggestion under resources, in our pinned post, as well as the tag intrusive thoughts in our blog!

Intrusive thoughts are distressing, especially when the hint at something that goes against your own experiences and memories, but you absolutely can deal with them. Consider bringing this up to your therapist as well! And good luck :] - mod Hakki

#trauma talks #trauma details #mod hakki #intrusive thoughts #tw alcohol abuse #tw abuse mention #Reid anon

[thewitchywriter]

3. What do you think your biggest weakness is? How can you work on improving this?

I think I have many weaknesses if I'm totally honest.

I hyperfocus.

I don't know if this necessarily counts as a weakness. But I hyoerfocus. I become incredibly fixated on new ideas, tasks etc. To the point that it is all that I think about. I spend an extortionate amount of money on my next big thing. And I am so sure of this new thing or hobby.... for a week or two. And then I become either bored. Or I forget that that thing even existed and move on to the next idea.

I am impatient.

I hate waiting. It puts my life on hold. I have a doctors appointment at noon? You better know that I arent going to do anything until the time I need to leave the house. Because if I attempt any task my mind is constantly wandering to... WHAT TIME IS IT? AM I LATE? SHOULD I SET OFF 3 HOURS EARLY SO IM ON TIME?

My partner lives away from me. Its only an hour or twos drive away. But he's very busy. He is a student, who goes out on placement, he works besides that to pay for his bills, car, food etc and so his time is limited. Especially with my working and being a mum. Time together is often well thought out in advance or completely random, if he's close by and can manage a few hours with me or a night. He does it. But my god the waiting kills me. Part of it is because I miss him. But a large part of it is my impatience. It leads us to argue. Because I know I am being unfair, because he has very good reasoning for what he does do and what is actually achievable. Thankfully he understands my impatient ass because of my mental health problems diagnosed and not so diagnosed. And because of his capability to communicate effectively with me.

I am stubborn.

If I truly believe something (until I'm proven wrong) I will stand my ground. I will fight for my being right. And I can hold a grudge. If you do me or mine wrong... I will hold onto it forever until you make it right.

I am sensitive.

Self explanatory really... but everything effects me ×10 I feel deeply, I love deeply and it can make or break me.

I become easily irritable which stems from being overwhelmed.

I become very easily upset and irritable when over stimulated. Loud noises, screeches loud cries etc cause me the most ridiculous amount of stress. They mean I have to go sit elsewhere, silently or listening to a podcast or book that will bring me down.

I jump to conclusions.

I asked my partner for this one. And I cant believe I didn't think of it myself.

Often I am my own worst enemy. Me and my partner will be having a perfectly civil discussion. And I will presume or is it assume what he is about to say. And 9 times out of 10 I am way off. I jump to conclusions and then I react. Most often, negatively. I do this a lot. Not only with my partner. But with friends, family etc it's like I think I'm some sort of mind reader my tarot cards call bull shit but the truth is I don't know what someone is thinking and even though I might feel like I am totally on their level or I can feel their energy I am not them. And I need to give them the benefit of the doubt. I need to give them more time to explain or even finish what they're saying.

My weaknesses can be toxic. And I'm aware of that. And I think that is the first step to becoming a better version of myself. I'm aware of my flaws, my anxieties, my toxic traits. And with awareness comes the ability to change the bad and the ugly.

I haven't provided any information on how to improve these weaknesses. But I think that instead of thinking them up here and now is really ineffective. These things take time to figure out and then even more time to put into place. I will get there with time. I might even come back to this post and write up a whole new list solely based on "How To Improve Myself" a self help guide written by a clueless witch bitch.

#weakness #podcasts #mentalheathawareness #mental health #self help #self healing #self confidence #love yourself #self esteem #self love

[fairycosmos]

hi chloe im having like a little mental breakdown lol like my anxiety is so bad that i want to hide in a corner for the next 5 years. and all because i called my mom and she got slightly irritated over nothing so i just hung up on her because i started crying. aaand now i feel like a sensitive little bitch because every time she sounds even slightly mad i just shutdown or start to cry and i guess thats because when i was younger or until i moved out she yelled at me, threw things and threatened me a lot so now i cant handle that but i feel so stupid and immature about it ugh idk and ive been clean from selfharm for almost 6 months but this is really pushing me to stupid shit because that always how i handled it as a kid

angellll :( im so sorry to hear this. i know it won't actually do much to change how awful youre feeling rn but i want to sincerely say that you're NOT being overly sensitive. decades of abuse and mistreatment especially during your formative years can make it very difficult to communicate with your parents and all the blame falls on them over it, i promise. it's not easy to let go of a lifetime of having to be hyper aware of their voice tone and attitude in order to keep yourself physically and emotionally safe. i am so sorry and it is NOT your fault. youre having a very normal human reaction to being hurt. it's completely understandable if you need to have a cry and break down a little while the worst of this washes over you. let it happen, but dont try to hold onto it either. it is going to pass and i am so proud of you for getting through it. you are not stupid or immature, you're a person with feelings and you deserve better than what you've had to put up with.

i understand that self harm is addictive and can become a habit and a go-to, i totally get you. at the same time, i really want you to know that six months clean is incredibe and it definitively proves that you do NOT need to engage in it in order to cope. relapse can be a part of recovery of course, but it's so important to try and focus on the fact that you dont deserve to harm yourself over somebody elses words and actions (or at all, over anything, ever.) is there anything at all you usually do that helps you get through the urge without self harming? im talking anything - sobbing, screaming into a pillow, talking to your friends/a trusted family member, journaling, going for a walk, holding ice cubes, breathing exercises, calling a mental health hotline, watching a comfort show. i wanna make it clear that im not saying these simple tasks are solutions to your very heavy and clearly complex situation, and i dont want to undermine it in any way. theyre just little techniques that can be used to help you get through the day, or even the hour or the moment. your brain will probably try to do all it can to convince you that these things are pointless but honestly, even just removing yourself from the vicinity of potentially harmful objects and giving yourself space to breathe and recalibrate and regain perspective can do wonders. if you regularly see a therapist or a mental health professional, i really recommend letting them know what happened so you have the opportunity to talk through and process your feelings, and maybe come up with a care plan to stop this recurring at least to this extent in the future. your mam is a dickhead and you dont need anyones permission to process pain. im sending you so much love and i really hope you're able to nurse yourself through this one step at a time. take care ok x

*so sorry i can't currently tag trigger warnings but i will asap

https://www.northpointrecovery.com/blog/let-the-healing-begin-11-tips-to-overcoming-emotional-abuse/

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/self-harm/helping-yourself-now/

[petewentzisblack1312]

Hi… I wanted to ask this on anon so I didn’t ask on your personal, idk if this is too personal or anything to ask but

Do you have a problem with people saying they have a mental disorder if they don’t have a diagnosis? Like for me so… I have been diagnosed with anxiety but I am like 99% sure I have bipolar disorder. And like I know you can’t diagnose me so I’m not going to go into depth with my symptoms but ever since I was like, 11, I used to get very depressed to the point where I contemplated ending it but then i would snap out of it and I think for me my manic phase are hypomanic bc ive never experienced like the full range of those symptoms but my depressive phases get very rough esp if I have external stressors but it will go through what I assume to be these phases like sometimes within the day esp if I have a stressor.

I am in nursing school and I work at a psych hospital so like this isn’t coming out of nowhere, I am very familiar with all mental disorders and it was actually during my psych nursing class and learning about bipolar disorder that I was like… hm… why does this feel like a mirror right now. I am aware I should get to a therapist and get an actual diagnosis (if I had money I would lol) but like idk. Idk if it’s worth going to my doctor at my physical and being like “hey I think I have this” I am lucky enough now that I am in a good place and can manage my symptoms but I am terrified I will go through a stressor again and lose it so idk. I mean I feel like I already know the answer but I wanted to ask anyway to see your take :/

Anyway idk as a future medical professional I think self diagnosis got a bad rep and it’s like idk I think for mental disorders esp you can tell if you have anxiety and it’s a persistent problem. You can tell if you have depression. I know bipolar disorder is harder to diagnose but idk I think since I’m in the field it’s easier? Idk I felt like a sense of relief with learning about it and finding similarities and being like “well maybe that’s why I’m like that”. But idk now I’m feeling uneasy bc I don’t have a diagnosis and I don’t want to be like, stepping over people who were diagnosed. Thank you in advance if you read all this and yeah I’m sorry I know it’s a lot and this is controversial

ok this is a long post so im putting it under a cut but tldr, no i dont have a problem with it. it doesnt matter if you actually have an illness, it matters if you find a solution to your problem. if treating yourself like you have a certain condition makes it easier to go through life, then keep doing what works for you, you are doing nothing wrong. this all goes for physical and mental illnesses.

im a firm proponent of self diagnosis. i wouldnt be here if i didnt have the confidence to research mental illnesses and advocate for myself. as someone who is extremely familiar with the medical profession on account of being the daughter of a doctor and a nurse and spending my childhood running around a hospital, im extremely privileged to even have the knowledge and ability to do so, and i try to bear in mind the understandable hesitancy of people without this advantage. i know that you are well within your right to refuse medication that makes you sick, i know that you can complain about a doctor that isnt listening to you, i know that you are allowed and encouraged to be adamant about things you are told dont matter, and in addition to that, i have a VERY well known doctor and a nurse in my corner, and i am STILL treated as though i do not understand my own experiences enough to have any authority more often than i am not.

the reason self diagnosis gets a bad rep imo is because people have constructed this boogeyman of the worst case scenario, people collecting mental illnesses they dont have for attention as opposed to what it is, people doing research into their experiences and making theories on what they have so they can manage it. youll often see the take of "i dont hate self dxd i just hate people who do it for attention" and i think thats very irresponsible considering a symptom of many mental illnesses is thinking youre faking it and doing it for attention, nevermind the fact that attention seeking behaviour is literally a symptom of many mental illnesses people often dont want to empathize with. gatekeeping whos illness is real just keeps people who need help out. i could go into an anarchist screed about democratizing health, but basically, as someone whos life has been saved by my insistence on self diagnosis, and whos life has been made significantly easier by treating myself as though i have the conditions that i theorize i have, self diagnosis saves lives, and i, as an advocate for disabled people of all kinds on my island, will never put any conditionals on self diagnosis. it doesnt matter if you find the right name for your problem, it matters if you find a solution that works. i have yet to meet any of these fabled people who never try to receive a professional opinion, only people who literally cant.

as for feeling guilty, ill repeat how i opened this answer: it does not matter what exactly your problem is, it matters that you find a solution that works. in medicine generally, there will be a wide spectrum of problems with overlapping treatments, things which are similar but distinct, things which look identical but are completely different and at different levels of concern. it doesnt really matter which grab bag of bullshit your brain is reaching from, it matters that you know how to deal with what it throws at you, whatever that may be. dont worry about getting it right, worry about getting it working. okay?

for advice on how to deal with doctors, its helpful to pose it as a hypothetical as opposed to an absolute. when i bring up things im dealing with that i have a theory about i say "i think i have x" or "i think i might have x" or "i have a lot of symptoms of x". doctors are often egotistical and are easily challenged so it helps to pose it at a problem they can solve as opposed to one youve solved for them otherwise they get spooked. in my experience posing it this way leads them to actually interrogate this line of symptoms, and theyll ask you why you think that, and you can bring up symptoms that led you to that conclusion, and ones that give you trouble especially. for example, ive said "i think i may have autism or adhd? or both" to several doctors, and they either agree with me (i believe its been put in my file as a possibility now although i cant get an official test done due to financial and resource restrictions) or they ask why i think so, and i detail what i believe is due to my autism. its small, but this reframing helps a lot.

i think this covers all you said but my head is empty as hell.

#dils declares #mental health // #hospitals // #i hope i hit everything!!