#its 2 am and ive had way too many panic attacks in a day | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

lipiaknight · 2 years

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ya know what, i will make my own post. This is the last social media i have that isnt watched, so im going to use it as such, god damn it!

CW for abelism, abuse, and reactionary rhetoric.

Ive spent my whole life fighting with my disability, and once i finally stopped fighting it and working with it, i start feeling better. Normally, this would be great. Im finally over 100 lbs, im fitting into clothes that were got as a prank to “force me to get bigger” and i am in less pain. Im accepting using my mobility aids and have stopped having regular seizures unless accidentally induced.

im doing so much better than i ever thought i would and have genuinely never felt better than now.

this is where the problem lies, though. im not Enough for the people around me.

I had a coversation with my GF the other day, talking about how i dont feel like im valued in the household. I cant do the chores of 3 people, dont feel safe cooking on gas (ive asked many times to get a functioning induction cooktop so i can cook for the family), my disability prevents me from doing yard work, and if im cleaning, i need someone else around or else i think im being punished and have panic attacks.

So, for the longest time, i tried providing what im good at.

i made budgets, schedules, help with layouts and organising. I kept small areas neat while leaving the big things (such as vaccuming and laundry) to my gf and bf. it wasnt enough. I had to do the big things too. so, i asked if BF could help wit hthe workload. Take his dishes to the sink so i could spend less time walking to reduce joint pain, put my drawing tablet (my only method of getting income) away if i forget to, take out the trash so i dont dislocate my shoulders trying to, mantain my organisation so gf and i had to clean less frequently.

hes too tired too. Hes always too tired to help out unless its mowing the lawn, which he complains about because hes allergic to the grass.

im not allowed to get angry at them.

When i pointed out that almost all the family groceries were bought on my foodstamps card, and i dont make enough to get basic medical supplies for myself, and rightfully pointed out thats financial abuse, he repeatedly told me he wanted to get violent. It caused me to have a panic attack, so i took a nap between the inciting incident and the conversation. he kept telling me that he wanted to hurt me, and that if it werent for the voices in his head, he would have.

when i got angry that my drawing tablet, which ive had for 8 years without a single scratch, suddenly has 2 broken cords and a huge scratch, as well as clouding and warping due to food and drinks being placed on it, and drinks spilled on it regularly enough that the driver doesnt recognise it anymore, he shrugs it off, saying he will get it replaced after his vacation.

when i get angry that my budget, that they both asked me to make got thrown out because 2 numbers were off, and theyre taking my ideas to save money months later after indirectly threatening to starve me, i was shrugged off with a “yeah, kinda dumb, isnt it.”

so, i talk with my gf about how all the effort i put in to make the house better is wasted. how im not appreciated or valued and im treated like a child because im not getting what i need because they want before me. Not before my wants, before me.

She agreed with me.

She said i was right.

That i am not valued because “we dont need what youre good at. We need you to be able to do chores.”

and this has been a consistant all my life.

i sleep during the day instead of at night because sunlight exposure causes seizures? “but i need you to cook for the house”

I stim and listen to music because the sound of reality is too loud and it hurts? “we need you to act normal”

i talk about my DND sessions because theyre the only fucking friends i have? “we need you to have normal interests”

EVERY. FUCKING. THING. IVE. EVER. DONE. HASNT. BEEN. GOOD. ENOUGH.

so yea, from time to time, i dress in a way with the specific connotation of “Make conservatices mad” or to “make my abusers mad” because i cant fight the systems in place that cause me to be dismissed and devalued. the only form of fighting the oppression i experiance is to piss off the people that do it. Forgive me if thats a little “reactionary” but its the only way ive survived untill now.

#vent post #long post #ableism #reactionary rhetoric #neglect #omfg im so fucking tired of not being enough #they claim to love me but i dont fucking feel it #the only reason im not suicidal is because i feel so much visceral hate all the damn time

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loudestcloud · 3 years

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BNHA Character Theme Songs!

Pt1

Pt2

Pt3

Pt4: Here we are lads! Final part because I do just keep forgetting to update this. Ive had this actually playlist done for literally 4 months so. Sorry lol but here we go. Villians & Vigilantes! reminder that this is spoiler free but I am up to date on the anime, and almost with the mangas

Edit: it's been a year now. Sorry about that 💀 I think I lost the motivation because a lot of my villian choices just make sense and I can't explain much about them because they are easy picks for me. Also please check out the other parts

Explanations vvv

Stain: I was gonna pick Killer by The Hoosiers but I think this one is better. I can really see an AMV to this one and tbh it's a good song that no one reall talks about anymore. Also, blood quirk, blood song ect.

Overhaul: This man thought he was invincible, he thought he was incredibly and that no one would ever stop him. Now he's nothing 🥰 Also, people still make AMVs to this song and they slap every single time, I'd sell my soul for more audio inclusive AMVs. The presents of this song is very similar to that of Overhaul. It's very overbearing, powerful kinda iconic in a small way but at the end of the day, I mix this song up with so many others. The style, beat and vocals are just so similar to so many others like it.

ReDestro - This was chosen before I read the arc. I think it's still good. Keeping it spoiler free, while he may not be the most remembered for events he helped in, he should won't be forgotten in the Bnha history books.

All for one - A slow piano start, Soft high vocals, an ere vibe leading up to heavy metal! Add the lyrics and it's perfect for him. It feels like his into then the ground zero fight.

Shigaraki - " Everything you love turns to dust " and " You'd kill for answers but learn to live with questions " is very on brand. The vibe is also what's I see him as if that makes sense at all. It's kinda chaotic in a way. 🎵Don't get attached to live🎵

Kurogiri - This is a joke I like to make about something and I can't explain because this is a spoiler free zone. But that aside, Kurogiri gives me mother mother vibes, anyone else?

Dabi - okay I cave, I have to say it. Spoiler warning: I picked this before it was cannon and was fully just gonna say "we all know it's true by now, come on" like!! 🎵bet you didn't think that I'd come back to life🎵 Get it bitch! Headcanon this was his dance song? I think soooo!!!

Toga - 🎵the boy I loves got another girl🎵 💃🏻I just feel she would like this song choice💃🏻and vibe it a lot💃🏻 na but for real, Vibes, style, lyrics, voice? Very Toga

Twice - This was all I could come up with that wasn't wildly ablist towards him. I will be taking replacement request lol cos I think something better could be out there but for now, we have this. It feels like twice having a panic attack alone and then remembering that the LoV are his family now.

Spinner: Hahaha, gamer boy villian song. I just wanted to include him but both he and this song is very cool.

Compress - This was also added before the thing you may think. This song is here because I had a Yung Gravy obsession for about 2 months while also having a thing for Compress. I think it works but I'm bias.

La Brava - It's literally her quirk, it's kinda cheesy* and the lyrics are very VERY her.

Gentle Criminal - Old YouTuber boy! He's definitely getting rickrolled over and over, not understanding anything going on. I actually really like this song, 100% unironically and it's a romantic vibe. Gentle is loyal to La Barva too n that's most of what the sing is at its core.

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

Knuckleduster - He is a natural but at the start his vibes are low key ominous. He slaps tho and it's not a spoiler but I miss him.

*Koichi - It's a soft song, kind on the ears. Kochi was really out here living this song almost to a t, huh? Damm boy. No one in the Bnha fandom seems to care about him and this song is also very underplayed.

Pop⭐Step: * not as cheesy as this one, baby! Okay so this song is from a 2007 movie and in the fictional universe the song came out in the 80s. No one cares about this movie at all, even less people care about this song and I'm almost curtain my mother and I are the only ones who actually know the words anymore. That being said, Pop would 100% sing this once a show and shed think it's amazing. No one in the Bnha fandom seems to care about pop at all either.

No.6 - He really can't, can he? He's a strange little man.

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no-worshiped-roads · 3 years

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Alright next part of mutant au

Zuke has finally arrived to eve’s district and boy does the conversation go south fast

Eve is just... so angry

She makes it clear she thinks zuke abandoned her and zuke has no idea what shes talking about

Most of this fight is dodging and talking/arguing

Thing is zuke and eve had been running away ftom horrible humans that kept them prisoner, at one point they wind up seperated

While running zuke fell down a cliff and the humans presumed him dead, he survived obviously but eve was recaptured while he was out

Some mutants from vinyl city found him and brought him back to be healed

By the time he woke again 3 days had passed and he had no idea where he was

He also found the humans were long gone with nadia from his rescuers

It took another week to heal and he’s got back problems from it

At some point, about 2 weeks later tatiana rescues nadia from the humans

She had been outside of the city making sure they were far away cause they had been close to discovering them when she found them with nadia

After rescuing her and taking her back to the city she gave her time to heal

It took nadia a long time to trust anyone again because to her, it seemed zuke abandoned her and saved himself

Especially when years passed before they had contact again (nadia learned he was in the city but zuke didnt know till after mays kidnapping given that she went by eve)

Zuke actually has to start fighting back which doesnt help especially with a particularly hard blow is landed on her head

It isnt till after eve retreats into her own dimension that theyre able to talk things out, somewhat. Eve at least understands he didn’t abandon her but she seemed really disoriented

Zuke asked her where may was and she seemed to be even more confused when he heard may shout

He left her dimension in a hurry to try and find may, since she was defeated, her other dimensions should have disappeared and dumped their contents back into reality

Unfortunately by the time he gets to where he heard may theres nothing. Just some scorch marks leading out the door

Kliff calls and tells him he needs to go and face the head of nsr, tatiana, in order to get may back and stop all of this

It later occurs to zuke as hes heading to face tatiana that kliff called him and knew what happened

Without zuke telling him

Tatiana

During the talk with eve tatiana had shown up. It didnt take her long to track down where may was held. After a bit of a scuffle, cause may did not go down without a fight, she was able to winnand knock may unconcious.

Thing is while may is strong she has poor control. And tatiana is stronger. I mean fire and time powers so. Yeah.

May wakes up in a chair at nsr tower on the upper floor. Before her with their back turned is tatiana.

“Awake i see.”

May finds she cant move desite not being tied down or anything.

“Dont bother. I used my time abilities to freeze your body in place. You will wait here for our meeting.”

“M-meeting?” May cant help but to feel nervous.

“You dont think i run this on my own do you? I have an individual at my side that needs to meet our newest members of nsr. And help to prepare them.”

“Im not gonna to join nsr! Zuke will bust me out of here and-“

“I plan on him coming. He’s a perfect addition as well. Since you two seem to make a good team, i’ll likely put him in your district.”

“Why are you doing this?”

“To protect others.”

“No? Why are forcing them into this, taking them away if they dont want to? Why-“

“Enough. Your friend has arrived.”

Zuke manages to get up to the tower, finding that these fights are a lot harder without may. He sees may in the chair and goes to rescue her only to be stopped by tatiana. The two fight eachother, with zuke barely being able to avoid losing. Zuke gets knocked down but before tatiana can freeze him too may attacks from behind.

Zuke managed to fight her long enough that she was letting her power on may slip till may could move again. The two fight her side by side till they win. With a very disoriented tatiana on tge fround they realized that all the artists seemed confused and lost after their defeat. As they wonder that out loud, a voice interrupts them.

Kliff

Kliff shows up at the end of the fight congratulating them for helping form a new nsr. And joining it as their newest members.

Theyre understandbly confused when this happens, but dumbfounded when kliff reveals who they really are

Theyre the real head as nsr as they revealed, and kliff has been controlling everyone by force

kliff is a psychic genius, but his powers arent strong enough to control so many prople, much less ones as strong as the nsr artists

So he made chips that went in heads to amplify their powers, mainly his mind control powers, and when he hot a hold of sayus team he was able to make them upgrade the chips, but had no need to use em yet

However the chips had been wearing off, and he no way to get the update into them cause they had weakened do much he was shut out unless the artists were severly weakened

Kliff tricked b2j into fighting nsr to weaken them so the chips could be reprogrammed to be stronger, while simultaneously getting the two out of hiding so they can be controlled as well

Zuke is still confused but mayday stiffens remembering the injury she woke up to in eve’s realm

“Seems one off you figured it out”

“Wh-may?”

Mayday

He activate the chips and while its a bit useless on tatiana given how weak she is, it works well on mayday

Zuke is frozen st first seeing mayday gets into a fighting stance at him and is blown off his feet when she attacks

Zuke mainly dodges and tries to talk to her as she attacks mercilessly

Zuke is reluctant having to fight her but when nothing he says snaps her out of it, he realizes he has no choice

The fight isnt easy as mays powers out match his easy in power

However he has one advantage over her

Control

May is strong, but has poor control over her powers

So he uses that against her to make her powers backfire on her till he manages to win

She collapses to the ground and doesnt move and this freaks zuke out till he finds her pulse

Kliff part 2

Now zuke is beyond pissed, with may out cold by his feet

“What the hell is wrong with you?!”

Kliff (k): see you will be a perfect canidate. Tatiana was right, you two make a good team.

“Why are you even doing this?!”

K: “why? WHY?! HUMANS! THAT’S WHY!”

K: humans are vile disgusting creatures that hunt torture and kill us for sport or entertainment or some bullshit holier than thou attitude, pretending they were some kind of savior for humanity!

K: I am going to build up the strongest mutants and unify them, to protect the weaker who cant fight back. And any human that dares to stumble across here? The artists will KILL them.

“Wtf kind of logic is that?! Youve taken away their will and are trying to make them into killing machines!”

K: hah. It doesnt matter if you understand, you just need to obey.

“You know for someone who hates humans so much, you sure sound like some ive met before.”

This pisses kliff off and the fight starts though its not much of one

Like i said kliff is a weak pyschic relies on controlling stronger mutants in order to get what he wants

So he’s easily beaten

So Kliff activates something on the satellite, it was meant to send out a beam over the city to control everyone all at once

But it wasnt ready and kliff causes it to short circuit and fall

Zuke panics cause hes the only one at ready to stop it but then tatiana and may start coming around, cause when the satellite went out of commission so did the signal that Kliff was using to amplify his powers and control over them

It mostly happens like it does with thr original game in stopping the satellite including kliff getting smacked, but with more confusion because Tatiana doesn’t really know who they are since she’s been under control for so long

They stop the satelite and kliff keeps trying to fix it so he can regain control before eventually slinking off

The end kind of has them all talking and figuring out what’s happened and where to go from there

They keep nsr around but allow others being controlled to go free once their chips are removed and actually make it a place of protection, rather than the oppresive fear it had been before

And there is a lot of aftermath stories if you all have questions about them

#no straight roads au #nsr au #nsr #no straight roads #nsr tatiana #nsr mutant au #nsr mayday #nsr zuke #nsr kliff #nsr eve

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asimawv · 4 years

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I write and conceptualize story to music, so I’ve compiled a playlist of 30 Darkest Dungeon-specific songs that I listen to when writing (and subsequently re-writing) in no particular order, which I hope will help you set the vibe too. :+)

Names in bold are links for easy listening - tons of Hozier and Of Monsters and Men up ahead, five minute warning.

1. ‘Fire and the Flood’ - Vance Joy

If you listen to nothing else on this list, listen to this one - it’s the kind of song that’s made for movies about yearning. Folk influences, choruses of trumpets and vocal harmony, and instruments that are layered for a rich, resonant sound. This is the song I imagine Dismas and Reynauld horse-racing through a crowded outdoors market in the hamlet to, and the song I listened to nonstop freshman year when I first started writing The Myth of Sisyphus.

You're the fire and the flood And I'll always feel you in my blood Everything is fine When your hand is resting next to mine Next to mine You're the fire and the flood

The chorus is built around biblical allusions to the fire (the burning bush signifying first contact) and the flood (destruction of the first world), the beginning and end. Every line is similarly evocative of Darkest Dungeon in their simplicity (“I’ve been getting used to waking up with you,” etc.)

2. ‘Soldier, Poet, King’ - The Oh Hellos

By the title alone you can guess who this is for. Even the Guild quote for the Leper approaches these three things as the defining parts of his character (specifically it’s “a ruined man, a warrior, and a poet.”) This song coincidentally has an old world influence to it, with a Medieval Renaissance style from a guitar playing a lute-adjacent melody.

There will come a ruler Whose brow is laid in thorn Smeared with oil like David's boy, oh lei oh lai oh Lord Oh lei, oh lai, oh lei, oh Lord Smeared with oil like David's boy, oh lei oh lai oh Lord

To be smeared with oil is to be anointed by a prophet and thus chosen by god himself to be king, just as David was and his boy after him (presumably Solomon). There’s something strangely wistful about the imagery, which is just how I like my songs about bygone kings.

3. ‘Exit Hymn’ - Bear Attack!

This song is about the end of the world in a version where everyone simply stands together in silence watching, rather than having the masses swarming in panic.

Lovely shapes to the world descending, Brothers and sisters. Lovely shapes to the world descending, Brothers and sisters Mute.

It defies Lovecraftian horror, which is based on the premise that “common human laws and interests and emotions have no validity or significance in the vast cosmos-at-large” - it flies in the face of existential nihilism and the despair that it should bring us. That’s why I like this song for deaths in the end-boss fight; it also has a special place for other death-related ideas, like full-party wipes - entire teams of people vanishing into the dungeons, gone insane, holding hands while the darkness surrounds them.

It’s a bare song which has a sanctity to it, mostly just piano and rain and human voices. Just what you would hear at the end of the world.

More under the cut:

4. ‘Pursuit of Glory’ - Jhameel

This song is laid-back. It doesn’t have the Homeric intensity that some of the other songs here do - it’s a guy with a guitar and vocal harmony. By god is it a great piece of writing though (all of Jhameel’s older songs have that quality to them), and all of it is evocative of Darkest Dungeon.

So many eyes set on the path to glory Too many ties, friendship is for the lonely Can't still my heart, my tongue has tasted folly Thirsty for art, hungry for power and money

This is a song for everyone in the barracks, especially the ‘laundry list’ of people and their approaches to the pursuit of glory.

5. ‘Good Old Days’ - Macklemore (feat. Kesha)

This fucker put a Macklemore song in here. I did, yeah. It’s not even the only song with Kesha in it here (I’m sorry.)

It’s a sentimental pop song, and I am sentimental to a fault. This is Darkest Dungeon AMV material, and I always mishear one of the lines as “we were underground, loaded mercs in that 12-passenger van” so it’s here.

We've come so far, I guess I'm proud And I ain't worried about the wrinkles around my smile I've got some scars, I've been around I've felt some pain, I've seen some things, but I'm here now Those good old days

6. ‘Past Lives‘ - Kesha

Here it is, the other Kesha song - this was introduced to me by a good friend, also in a Darkest Dungeon context. There’s just something about the lovers spanning time trope and finding each other in one life to the next that is irresistible (for the obvious reason in the context of Darkest Dungeon.) It’s a soft song, totally out of place in Kesha’s typical discography, and has a line about losing someone to the crusades, so... you know.

There's just somethin' about you I know Started centuries ago though You see your kiss is like a lost ghost Only I would know But I, I keep on falling for you Time after time Time after time

7. ‘Viva la Vida’ - Coldplay

You cannot fight this. You know that this is the song for King Baldwin IV of Jerusalem, you know it is. Did you know the official name of this genre of music is “Baroque pop”? Yes, that means more songs like this exist. You will live with this information now.

Don’t fight it. Just let it wash over you.

I hear Jerusalem bells are ringing Roman Cavalry choirs are singing Be my mirror, my sword and shield My missionaries in a foreign field For some reason I can't explain Once you go there was never, never an honest word And that was when I ruled the world

Mirror, sword, and shield, the three other members of his party, his missionaries in a foreign field. Thinking emoji. I typed that out so I wouldn’t have a repeat of the crab emoji incident.

8. ‘The Boxer’ - Jerry Douglas (feat. Mumford & Sons, Paul Simon)

Partly inspired by the Bible, Simon & Garfunkle’s ‘The Boxer’ is a folk rock song about poverty, loneliness, and homesickness. It’s written and sung in a style that’s strongly reminiscent of older times, and the final verse about its eponymous boxer is particularly powerful:

In the clearing stands a boxer And a fighter by his trade And he carries the reminders Of ev'ry glove that laid him down Or cut him till he cried out In his anger and his shame "I am leaving, I am leaving" But the fighter still remains

This is what I use for Dismas’ life leading into organized crime and his foolish abandonment of stable job prospects in a half-baked bid for fame, as well as being punched down over and over again but with nowhere else to go. That last part is widely applicable across the cast.

9. ‘I Will Wait’ - Mumford & Sons

I am but a simple man. I see 'folk rock' and add it to my Darkest Dungeon playlist. This song I use for Reynauld - it has that sort of “salt of the earth,” somewhat biblical humility in its choice of words and style.

Raise my hands Paint my spirit gold And bow my head Keep my heart slow

10. ‘Little Lion Man’ - Mumford & Sons

Have we not beaten this song to death yet? Can you blame us? This is the people’s song. We reserve it for all of our favorite fuck-up characters, as primal as Saturn devouring his son. We love this song. Jesus.

Tremble for yourself, my man, You know that you have seen this all before Tremble little lion man, You'll never settle any of your scores Your grace is wasted in your face, Your boldness stands alone among the wreck Now learn from your mother or else spend your days biting your own neck

The line about learning from your mother in particular is why I think of this song for Dismas’ introspection, but I also associate it with the Hellion.

11. ’From Eden’ - Hozier

There’s too much Hozier in my playlists. There is so much of it, and it’s all important to me, says the hoarder. There’s something about profoundly intimate folk music that I love, and god put folk, R&B, blues, and alt rock into a Vitamix for 45 seconds to make Hozier.

Honey you're familiar like my mirror years ago Idealism sits in prison, chivalry fell on its sword Innocence died screaming, honey ask me I should know I slithered here from Eden just to sit outside your door

‘From Eden’ is, according to Hozier, about idolizing someone from a distance, written from the perspective of the devil “looking longingly at something he desires - for everything that he does not have.” I associate this song with the Grave Robber for its playfully nihilistic tone - Audrey does say something to the effect of being left for dead by high society and the affectionate bordering condescending address is on-brand.

12. ‘Cherry Wine’ - Hozier

‘Cherry Wine’ is unabashedly about domestic violence, and its sincerity is heartbreaking, the sanctification of the blood spilled in the name of keeping her.

The way she tells me I'm hers and she is mine Open hand or closed fist would be fine The blood is rare and sweet as cherry wine.

This song is strongly tied to the Vestal for me.

13. ‘Work Song’ - Hozier

A song about unconditional love - heaven and hell were just words, indeed.

When my time comes around Lay me gently in the cold dark earth No grave can hold my body down I'll crawl home to her

I think of this song for both Dismas and the Abomination - it’s a song about love transcending spiritual and even physical need, complete devotion, but something about it is also not quite right. It’s morbid and excessive, self-pitying, and almost ugly in its sincerity.

14. ‘Sunlight’ - Hozier

The strong gospel influence with the choruses, church organ, religious fervor - I think it makes a great song for traveling scenes and church/altar scenes.

I had been lost to you, sunlight Flew like a moth to you, sunlight oh sunlight Oh, your love is sunlight Oh, your love is sunlight (sunlight, sunlight) But it is sunlight

15. ‘Arsonist’s Lullabye’ - Hozier

The gospel this time is paired with electric rock instrumentation. Something about the lamentation is unapologetic and matter-of-fact in its disturbing inclinations - this is Paracelsus’ song. Arguably representative of Bounty Hunter and Flagellant as well.

Now that I think about it, it’s great for Abomination as well. Damn.

All you have is your fire And the place you need to reach Don't you ever tame your demons But always keep 'em on a leash

16. ‘We Sink’ - Of Monsters and Men

Of Monsters and Men are closer to the indie rock/pop spectrum with influences of folk, with much less biblical influence and more folklore-inspired lyrics. They make for great trailer and action songs.

We are the sleepers, we bite our tongues We set the fire and we let it burn Through the dreamers, we hear the hum They say come on, come on, let's go So come on, come on, let's go

In Lovecraft’s Cthulu mythos, dreams are how the Old Ones commune with humans on the earth’s surface while they slumber in the ocean depths (Cthulhu fhtagn meaning “Cthulhu is dreaming”); I like to think of the ‘sleepers’ as the heroes being tasked to “set the fire” and the ‘dreamers’ being the Heir and Ancestor driven by some unseen force to unearth the antediluvian underground.

17. ‘I Of The Storm’ - Of Monsters and Men

Very somber song, overwhelmingly piano and snare drum and vocals. Also a great death scene song, or for introspection around the campfire, or played to reveal a major event.

If I could face them If I could make amends With all my shadows I'd bow my head And welcome them

18. ‘King and Lionheart’ - Of Monsters and Men

My favorite OMAM song - it’s clearly written about two children, kind of reminiscent of ‘Where the Wild Things Are’ in its fantastical nature, and very upbeat about the end of the world.

His crown lit up the way as we moved slowly Pass the wondering eyes of the ones that were left behind Though far away, though far away, though far away We're still the same, we're still the same, we're still the same

This part is reminiscent of the Leper’s journey, but the mentions of taking over a town, howling ghosts, the end of the world, a black sea and creatures lurking below, etc. are all evocative of Darkest Dungeon.

19. ‘Little Talks’ - Of Monsters and Men

Also very upbeat for its subject matter - according to OMAM, it’s a narrative of a woman speaking with the ghost of her dead husband, or going insane and believing that she’s speaking with her dead husband.

Some days I don't know if I am wrong or right Your mind is playing tricks on you, my dear 'Cause though the truth may vary This ship will carry our bodies safe to shore

The call-and-respond style of the song is haunting. I like this song for expeditions and afflicted heroes.

20. ‘Wolves Without Teeth’ - Of Monsters and Men

Suitable for both Occultist and Abomination, being consumed by an unseen and otherworldly force that inhabits them - well, maybe just rarely seen, in the Abomination’s case. Special mention to OMAM’s ‘Human,’ same conceptual backing but more raw.

You hover like a hummingbird Haunt me in my sleep You're sailing from another world Sinking in my sea, oh You're feeding on my energy I'm letting go of it He wants it

21. ‘Desierto’ (Original Motion Picture Score) - Woodkid

This is a full album, because all of it is dark orchestral cinema music described as ‘unsettling,’ with the sole exception of ‘Land of All,’ which has vocals to it. I reserve this album for writing fight scenes and for particularly unsettling events because it’s tense and wordless. I read Junji Ito to this soundtrack too, it’s insanely high-strung and discordant.

22. ‘Iron’ - Woodkid

‘Iron’ qualifies as Baroque pop - you might recognize this as the Assassin’s Creed: Revelations song. The large-scale, cinematic style of it and thematic lyrics make it great for writing about dramatic encounters or brigands.

This deadly burst of snow is burning my hands I'm frozen to the bones, I am A million miles from home, I'm walking away I can't recall your eyes, your face

23. ‘Never Let You Down’ - Woodkid (feat. LYKKE LI)

Another somber song, orchestral with some industrial noise in the mix - another great introspection song, or one for a scene with some hard decisions to be made.

Will you come along cause I'm about to leave this town In my eyes, a waterfall, all I can hear, a siren call Could you be waiting by the shore, oh I could drown without you Will you be holding out the line when I fall?

24. ‘Run Boy Run’ - Woodkid

Church bells, fast percussion, strong orchestral presence. For chase scenes, obviously, but great for fast-paced sneaking scenes as well. Also has a strong quasi-Medieval fantasy setting style to it.

Tomorrow is another day And you won't have to hide away You'll be a man, boy! But for now it's time to run, it's time to run!

25. ‘I Love You’ - Woodkid

Don’t let the scream effects and aggressive percussion at the beginning deter you (it kind of took me by surprise the first few times too) - it soon fades into more of the church bells and melodic string accompaniment.

Oh yeah, unrequited love song? It’s free (mental) real estate, baby.

Is there anything I could do Just to get some attention from you? In the waves, I've lost every trace of you Where are you?

26. ‘Vagabonds’ - Grizfolk

A rare departure from folk! Grizfolk is alt rock/indie pop. Stylistically it doesn’t match the feeling of Darkest Dungeon, but lyrically it’s almost 1:1 to arrival in the hamlet and the subsequent expeditions. Good song for writing about recruits bonding.

Oh this careless ground, guessing this is home now Oh in no man's land, at least we're still standing And we're all just fighting, some of us will not return And there's no redemption in trying to find your way out

27. ‘Everybody Wants To Rule The World’ - Lorde

Great trailer fuel, if you’ve seen the AC: Unity E3 trailer with this song - I listen to an extended version when writing fights in the Guild, especially one where two heroes are beefing. It’s got a primal kind of thing going on. I also associate this song with the Arbalest - lyrically, it fits her backstory like a glove.

Welcome to your life There's no turning back Even while we sleep We will find you

Acting on your best behavior Turn your back on mother nature

28. ‘Torches’ - X Ambassadors

More alt rock/indie pop - kind of a rallying song for dark expeditions, hopeful but still somber in nature - some gospel elements. X Ambassadors’ more popular ‘Renegades’ is also a fun tavern song.

Come on, carry your flame Carry it higher Leave it in the darkness Carry your torches

29. ‘Passing Afternoon’ - Iron & Wine

This is a song I use for reconciliation or domestic scenes - Dismas with Junia in the garden, for example. It’s soft and kind of meandering, and features vintage piano - you know, the piano you heard in the basement of your church turned community center as a child.

There are times that walk from you like some passing afternoon Summer warmed the open window of her honeymoon And she chose a yard to burn but the ground remembers her Wooden spoons, her children stir her Bougainvillea blooms

30. ‘Some Nights’ - Fun.

You know this song, your mom knows this song, everyone knows this song from like, middle school. Thought it’d be fun to end this list on an uplifting and very popular song. This is the song that a Disney adaptation of Darkest Dungeon would use in the Training Montage™ - from the point of view of Reynauld. It hits all of the points - being their commander rather than their equal, his stern and antisocial zealotry with no true ideology behind it, the ghost of his wife.

Verse 2, starting with “Well, that is it, guys, that is all / Five minutes in and I'm bored again” is where I see it transitioning to Dismas.

Well, some nights, I wish that this all would end 'Cause I could use some friends for a change And some nights, I'm scared you'll forget me again Some nights, I always win (I always win) But I still wake up, I still see your ghost Oh Lord, I'm still not sure what I stand for, oh What do I stand for? What do I stand for? Most nights, I don't know

_____

Well that’s all from me! Feel free to leave your own recommendations in the replies, and I’d love to know what you think about my personal picks. :+)

#darkest dungeon #playlist #song reccomendations #fic: the myth of sisyphus #give me that hozier baby

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winterreader-nowwriter · 4 years

Text

Right By My Side

Details: Reader’s sister (Sierra) and Reader are in a car crash and Sierra dies, but not everything is how it seems. Tony is there for the Reader.

“Since you picked the movie, I’m driving.”

Sierra laughs, “No way, you’re not driving. Your driving is crazier than Tony’s. Both of you should have your licenses’ revoked and as a federal agent I think I could do that.”

I laugh and shake my head, “Federal agents wish they could drive like us. Our driving is awesome, you just can’t handle it.”

“One of the many reasons why you two are married, but nope, I’m still driving.”

As we get into the car, me in the passenger seat, sadly, I have an uneasy feeling. Shaking it off, I put my seatbelt on.

As we cross the intersection, a car comes speeding out of nowhere and swerves into us, before either of us can react. The car goes flying and then starts spinning. I look over and Sierra and I grab each other’s hands and then my head slams back against the headrest and everything goes black.

I wake up to a stabbing headache, blurry flashes: being wheeled into a hospital, seeing Tony, going into surgery before everything goes black again.

I wake up to a dull headache, everything hurts. I lift my hand to my nose. There’s a cannula there. I pull on it, but a hand gently pulls mine away, “Honey, can you open your eyes?”

I open them and bright light floods in and I wince and blink a few times to clear my vision. I’m in the Medbay. Tony looks worried but relieved from a chair next to my bed. I try and sit up, but wince. “What happened?” I rasp. The headache from before returning.

Tony gets up and hands me a cup of water and only then do I notice the brace on my right hand. He speaks quietly, “You were in a car crash with Sierra. Do you remember?”

I try and sit up, Tony already had his hand on my shoulder preventing me from sitting up, “Stop trying to move. You have some broken ribs, a sprained wrist, a broken leg, and a concussion.”

“What about Sierra?”

Tony answers, “She’s fine. Well relatively speaking. Because is anyone fine after a car crash? Especially--”

I interrupt him, “Tony...”

He continues, “She has a broken and sprained wrist, a concussion, and some broken ribs. Pretty similar to you.”

I breathe a sigh of relief. At least she’s okay. I blink tiredly and Tony notices. “You should get some rest, I’ll be here when you wake up.”

I close my eyes. I see me and Sierra in the car, right before the crash and I try and move. To tell Sierra, but I can’t talk or move. I start screaming when a hands shake my shoulders. “Y/N!” “Y/N!” I gasp and open my eyes. Tony is breathing heavily and sits back down and rubs soothing circles on my hand. The heart rate monitor is still beeping crazily. Tony puts my non-injured hand on his chest and takes slow breaths. He waits until my breathing is back to normal before asking, “Nightmare?”

I nod slowly and take another deep breath before asking, “When can I see Sierra?”

Tony gives a soft smile, “Maybe later today. It’s around 2 a.m., so when she wakes up. Think you can go back to sleep?”

I shake my head and he pulls out his tablet, “Genius idea on my part.”

I smile at that, while he sits next to me careful not to move my leg or IV. He pulls up Criminal Minds and I lay my head on his shoulder. He kisses my forehead before pressing play. We watch at least three episodes before I fall asleep.

When I wake up again, daylight is streaming in through the window. I try and sit up, and am pleasantly surprised that the stabbing pain I was expecting is more of a deep bruise. Bruce walks in and his eyes widen. “Y/N, you’re up. How are you feeling?”

I gesture to my ribs, “What happened?”

Bruce responds, “Well you know Shuri and T’Challa brought their advanced vibranium technology and Stark Industries is further developing it?”

I nod and he continues, “Well Tony, Dr. Cho, and I implemented it into our medical department. Dr. Cho regenerated the parts of your ribs you broke when she was plating them. Your leg will take another week because she couldn’t regenerate all of it at once.”

That explains a lot. I ask, “Did the same thing happen to Sierra?”

Bruce nods, “Both of your concussions will take longer to heal than everything else.” Bruce takes his glasses off, “I’ll let you rest, call me if you need anything and stay off that leg.”

Tony walks in soon after Bruce leaves and says softly to not bother my head, “Was Banner sentencing you to bed rest?”

“Technically he said to stay off my leg. Can you help me up?”

Tony sighs, “Can you at least wait until tomorrow, so you don’t give me a heart attack.”

“You have an arc reactor, I don’t think a heart attack would phase you.”

Tony nods thoughtfully, “Probably right, I should figure that out.”

I swing my legs over the bed and Tony asks, “Wheelchair?”

I shake my head, “Wheelchairs are for old people and I’m fine.”

Tony continues, “But what if and this is just a thought; you sat in a chair and I had to move it over to the next room. So it just happened to have wheels on it, so it could be easier for me of course.”

I laugh and wince a little, “Fine, just this once.”

Tony grins, “I painted one to match your suit.”

“You did not.”

“I did. I wasn’t sure if you would agree so I didn’t build a hovering chair, but that can be arranged.”

I shake my head and smile at him, “Tony, help me into the chair before I change my mind.”

Tony kisses me and gently picks me up and puts me in the wheelchair.

I wheel over to Sierra’s room and see her sitting up in bed. “Sierra! You’re okay! How are you feeling?”

At the same time, she says, “Y/N! You’re okay!”

After a few minutes, I say, “You’re going to stay with us until your better, I don’t want to hear any excuses.”

Tony says, “We have the room and Y/N is the most stubborn person I know.”

Two and a half weeks later...

Tony walks up behind me and says, “It feels weird for Sierra to be gone. I’m almost used to her living with us.”

I nod, “Definitely, I’m going to miss living with her again… I know it’s only been a few days, but I miss her already.”

Just then Natasha runs in, “Panic button was pressed, let’s move. Y/N, you might want to sit this one out.”

“Why? The doctor cleared me yesterday,” I respond while pressing my watch. As Natasha responds my suit’s nanotech is at work.

“It’s Sierra.”

I don’t respond, just press my watch so the window opens and shoot out of the Tower towards Sierra’s place in Brooklyn. I burst through the door blasters at the ready. I enter Sierra’s kitchen and see her on the floor, a glass cup shattered next to her. Tony arrives soon after and clears the house, but I don’t move. I check for a pulse, but there isn’t one.

I stand frozen even as the crime scene techs arrive and Tony pulls me into his arms and crying. The next few days pass in a blur. On the day of the funeral, it was raining and I thought it was fitting that even Mother Nature knew one of its best people was gone.

After that, I shut down. I spent a while sitting in bed staring at the ceiling, barely sleeping or eating. One day, I was still sitting in bed, when Tony walked in. He didn’t say anything at first, then, “Sierra wouldn’t want you to fall apart, she’d want you to move on.”

I don’t say anything and he continues, “That asshole wins if you let yourself fall apart.”

I finally look up at him and he looks slightly relieved but still worried, “It’s my fault,” I whisper, my voice raspy from disuse.

Tony shakes his head, “She was poisoned with botulinum toxin because of her job, there was nothing either of us could have done.”

I nod knowing he’s right, but also hoping that will end the conversation. Tony gets up, “The best revenge is living well. So come on, this is your last time sitting in here, it’s been four weeks.”

I hadn’t realized it had been that long. I stand up and Tony asks, “Does that mean you’re back in the land of the living and Shawarma?”

I nod, “It’s been too long. And I know she’s gone... ” I break off crying.

Tony hugs me, and whispers, “You’re strong enough.”

When I’m done crying, he grabs my hand, “I started a bath for you with most of your bath perfumes and there’s Japanese food ready when you get out. When you’re done eating, we’re going to go to sleep and in the morning I’ll be playing ACDC while we go over the week’s schedule.”

He kisses me and I hug him hard, “Thank you for everything.”

He smiles, “You’ve more than made up for with all the stupid things I’ve done, and honey, I’m right here for you.”

Taglist: @snarky--starky

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sparklyandchic · 4 years

Text

🦋 MINI MIND MAKEOVER 🦋

okay i started the idea for this mini little mind makeover when i broke up with my boyfriend in like january. instead of being sad or angry, i wanted to be grateful for this time and take it as an opportunity to make life better for myself. then quarantine happened, so some of these are related to things i’ve learned since that started. either way, these aren’t all concrete things to do for your mind; some of them are just ways of thinking or pep talks. but if you can find one little piece of information or thought that makes you a little bit happier for a moment, that’s all i can hope for!

5-htp: okay first off- please ALWAYS consult your psychiatrist or medical professional before taking a supplement! taking 5-htp with, for example, serotonin-increasing medications can lead to a fatal illness called serotonin syndrome. personally, i started taking it because i had been on 10 mg prozac for a few months. it definitely dulled a lot of my anxiety and had a lot of positive aspects to it, but it dulled them almost too much to the point where i felt apathetic and detached from myself and the situations i was in. i was in a very unhealthy relationship and felt like i needed my mental clarity and “overthinking” processes back in order to identify what i was feeling and how to deal with it. i felt a lot more “sensitive” after coming off it, which was actually really welcome for me at first, but then it sort of dropped off into withdrawals. i was having constant panic attacks and crying very often. after a while, i was debating going back on prozac, but remembered i had taken 5-htp before. 5-htp is an amino acid that is a direct precursor to serotonin being produced in the brain. when u eat turkey, tryptophan is converted into 5-htp which leads to your brain producing serotonin, thus why you feel calm and happy afterwards. after taking 5-htp for just a few days, ranging between 200-300 mg per day (again, do your research, ask your doctor, and start small) i stopped crying constantly and really felt this sense of calmness and wellbeing but without the detachment and apathy i felt with prozac. i could still think clearly but didn’t feel overly sensitive to every emotion which arose. personally, it is really a lifesaver and really does make a noticeable difference.

cognitive behavioral therapy: ive tried therapy a million times. well okay, like 5 or 6 different therapists. at its worst, therapists told me i needed to use my sexual power as a woman in order to get what i wanted from men, told me i’m bad at socializing and should do group therapy, said my mom shouldn’t have encouraged me to “be myself” when i was younger because it made me less likeable than if i had conformed to normal societal standards of dressing. i had gone to “therapists” who claimed to be trained in CBT, but when i told them about my experiences with dissociation, the only feedback i got was to “take more baths.” while going through a few unpleasant experiences in my personal life, i decided i should try CBT once more, but like the real kind. i found an ivy-league educated licensed psychologist (NOT a “licensed clinical social worker” who doesn’t even have a psychology degree!!) who SPECIALIZED specifically in cognitive behavioral therapy. just after the first session, i was so elated with my experience. as opposed to just telling me that i needed to be more normal or more kind or a better person, she tried to identify WHAT was making me feel that way about myself in the first place. she pointed out the positive things i do and reassured me i was kind, good, and deserving of good things. she pointed out many aspects of my situation that would have taken me days or weeks to come to on my own. i’ve realized my hubris isn’t that i’m not socially acceptable or not perfect enough, but its just that i tend to THINK that i am these things despite having no evidence of it. so, over time with therapy, my positive self image about who i am as a person has grown and strengthened and i dont just randomly feel like a bad human being anymore lol. moral of the story, if you wanna do therapy but it keeps sucking, dont give up. go to a legit psychologist, find someone who specializes in the type of therapy you’re seeking, and also be vocal during your sessions. stand up to your psychologist when they continually push a narrative onto you, and explain why you don’t agree with it. sometimes it’s their job to try different narratives to see what fits, and if you just passively let them say what they want to, you’ll never find the truth of your experience! it’s a communal effort! therapy isn’t usually a magic cure-all where one session fixes everything that goes awry in your brain. but if you find someone who knows what they’re doing they can in fact really help your thought processes become less twisted up and more clear and healthy.

meditation and mindfulness: a few weeks ago i felt anxious and overly driven to get things done to the point where i spiraled into a space of guilt or a panic attack over not getting enough things done. meditation can be so so helpful here. it’s better to spend an hour sitting and doing nothing, but doing it peacefully and then calmly moving on to doing something else, than to spend 5 hours stressing yourself over every single thing you need to get done and how much time you’re wasting. the things that need to get done will get done. another thing that i’ve realized and say to myself a lot is: “focus not on doing all things perfectly, but on doing the small things well.” by this i mean, stop thinking about the 20 things you need to get done and how it all needs to be perfect, but instead take your time with the task that presents itself as most beneficial right now and focus on enjoying it and giving your whole self to the process. for example, stop thinking about how you need to clean your room, your closet, donate clothes, take a shower, take out the trash, read, workout, etc. think to yourself; “which task would bring me the most joy right now?” if the answer is taking a shower, then take that damn shower. bring your speaker into the bathroom, scrub every inch of your scalp with shampoo, scrub your feet and behind your ears and your neck with body wash, brush the conditioner through your hair fully. you may end your shower with 19 other things to do, but god damn if you can’t enjoy a single one of them and be present for it, what’s the fucking point! go light a candle and bask in its glow, go make your bed and huddle up in your neatly arranged covers, go take a long bath or a thorough shower, and be proud of and content with that today.

relationships, with others and yourself: okay, if you missed the memo, my ex-boyfriend sucked. like genuinely was a bad person. he was a drug dealer, so that’s red flag number 1 (which i ignored of course), he hadn’t graduated high school (he was 18, i was 20, he was supposed to graduate the last semester but refused to do the work and ignored me and his mother when encouraged to do it, which is uhh definitely red flag number 2 which i also ignored), he habitually did not show up for dates on time or lied about what he was going to do or what he did (literally everything he did was a red flag and i rlly ignored all of it). the worst part was how he responded when i worked up the courage to speak to him about it. if we had agreed upon a time for our date but he showed up literally 8 hours late, he would blame it on me because i “could have called” him, or that i was “demanding too much of” him, or that i “should have said something earlier so now [i was] just dragging it out because it already happened.” basically, whatever narrative he pushed at me, i eventually gave into. i’ve dealt with gaslighting in a relationship before and a part of me knew what was happening to me, but a part of me also kept having hope for him, kept empathizing with him, kept wanting to believe in him. after a bit too much time, i finally realized you have to trust yourself, empathize with yourself, and believing in yourself over anyone else. at first i felt bad for him not being able to graduate because i had my own struggles with high school and getting work done. i thought he may have issues but he deserves someone to be there for him because i wanted someone to be there for me. despite the pain and stress he was causing me, i sat around crying over him because i cared about him and tend to over-empathize with people close to me, whether they deserve it or not. my therapist told me something that at first i did not understand, but over time came to grasp in its entirety: “some people do not deserve your love or kindness.” after our first session, my homework was to “consider when you are being kind and when you are being taken advantage of.” this made me realize that what feels like your instinctual nature to be nice to others, can in fact be a self-sabotaging unfair action, depending on the other person’s response. i might be dishing out a lot right now, but bear with me. think of it this way: you regard an action as a “kind action”. you might think “kind actions” include: forgiving someone for large mistakes, putting someone’s needs over yours, sparing them some change when they ask for it, listening to the problems they are dealing with every day. BUT when their actions include not forgiving you for minor mistakes, not giving a sh*t about your needs or considering them, not caring how much money they take from you and how much money you need to have around, or habitually glossing over your problems because it doesn’t benefit them to care, THEN those actions you performed are NOT “KIND ACTIONS” anymore. the act of continuing to give them leeway is now the act of being taken advantage of. the act of giving them money is now the act of being taken advantage of. the act of buying into their story at the expense of your sanity, is now the act of being taken advantage. basically, all i’m saying is START PUTTING YOURSELF FIRST AND TRUSTING YOURSELF WHEN YOU FEEL SOMEONE DOESN’T HAVE YOUR BEST INTERESTS IN MIND.

ending thoughts: i know quarantine is difficult right now. the desire to grow contrasted with the inability to move. maybe try and follow that old 2008~ quote; “bloom where you are planted”. you might not be able to reach the goals you thought you would during this time. you might not be able to run a marathon or make a bunch of new friends or wake up at 6 AM to workout or redo your bedroom or get a rhinoplasty or join a gym or get an internship. working towards productivity might be unrealistic right now. but you can work everyday towards becoming the woman you want to be, mentally. you can work on learning to be content, learning to make the best with what you have, learning to appreciate the little things, learning to slow down. these are all qualities that i for one want to have just as much as i want to be attractive or successful. if you can’t enjoy success, what’s the fucking point! life is on pause right now, take this moment as a gift and consider your internal world and what parts of your mind need a makeover. there are horrible things happening in the world right now, do what you can to help, but if you’re safe and healthy then be grateful for the things you can learn from this difficult time. take it slow, but keep moving forward!

#happyandchic #happy and chic

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yoitscro · 4 years

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tw: depressive/anxiety talk, suicidal thoughts

its 2:42 am while im writing this, because i cant sleep.

i thought distracting myself enough during the day through working on cosplays and watching youtube videos would help, but after a while it starts to become repetitive enough for my mind to start wandering. specifically to what led me to try and force myself to fixate on it as a distraction in the first place.

a lot of the babbling is going to be weird nonsense that only close friends of mine will get, or people who have no business being on my blog. you know who you are.

the last week has been me dealing with feelings of abandonment, anxiety, and depression. all drifting into an overall feeling of helplessness. not as bad, but feeling just as bad as when a very close friend had ghosted me in late 2018. not as intimidate either, woof, but still bad.

i spoke up about one of my many feelings about a particular fandom issue in a way that got me into completely avoidable controversy by those who wanted to think ill of me. i was then baited into a spotlight of purposeful humiliation in front of people i either respected, tolerated, or have had the willingness to support thru my own wallet.

i left the space due to not wanting to be further witch trialed, after already previously put in a panic due to things being dealt with in a less than mature light. my heart was racing, i had to go to work, and i kept trying to keep from tearing up at the wheel.

the conflict was stuff destined to build up. stuff unspoken about due to the unwillingness to solve issues early on and to make things easy on everyone involve. and in return, ive found a similar pattern that i have with many online situations; tolerant relationships to unspoken beefs, an eventual boiling point, and separation.

i think the thing that stings the most is that if anyone of witness to said spotlight thought of it to be too far, that im certainly not being assured that my relationships aren’t forever poisoned. that anyone is at my side or willing to speak up about how bad things are versus sweeping it under the rug like it never happened. i havent really had anyone directly a witness to it talk to me since. not that they have to, but it makes a situation feel less ignored, or eerily erased. less salt to a wound of previously short responses and ignored conversation from those (some) who enabled abuses of power.

good ol homestuck drama.

(i also keep getting accused of chasing for clout due to not being drastically defensive about sharing a space with others, but that’s its own thing.)

the night after, fitting enough, i got into a fight with my mom over something that didn’t call for dramatics. a very similar theme: she spoke over me, blamed me for things in a blatant form of manipulative psyche play, and threatened to kick me out of the space. after, i left the house during the warning of tornadoes to be by myself, and eventually stayed at a kind friend’s place. i cried and drove with a dead phone battery hoping to run into something by freak accident for the sake of not having to deal with the now. i dont think it was a panic attack? i wouldn’t know.

a few days after, she asked me to help with groceries.

like nothing happened.

i asked my dad about it, and he was very centrist in his ideals and talked about what i should do better versus at all acknowledging the wrongs of my mom.

this is a theme that keeps happening.

i feel like this is always going to keep happening, bc these issues aren’t the firsts. i feel that if i keep attempting to go about my business in a space that something’s always going to come up regardless of how serious the situation actually is. and that someone is going to be out there waiting for me to slight them in some minimalist way to call fault while others know and do nothing.

the home life makes me feel like im no where close to leaving the situation easily, especially with little open help within proximity. i want to move, but it doesn’t seem likely for a good bit.

the fandom life makes me feel like my ability to create things for a series i care about is dampened due to direct behavior from those most relevant to it, and further more makes me unsure who i can casually converse with who hasn’t been told something. who pretends to be tolerable. most of the issues stemming from me venting in private spaces about callous situations (as if i’m the only one to have done this ever) , or from issues that never happened.

it’ll probably happen again for the hintings in this very vent: being put on a spotlight in front of multiple witnesses and contacts over a situation misconstruing my morality. fuck off if i dont have my own space to vent about being put in a vulnerable situation and my boundaries ignored.

i dont think im completely free of judged behavior. i just think others (guess whichever one at your leisure) are not exempt from their own, what it causes as a reactive antagonizing, and neither the people who’ve enabled continuation or dismissed the boiling points.

i dunno. i felt like typing something out. the last week ive mostly felt glued to the couch.

i dont have a solution but if anything i just want to sleep so this isn’t on my mind.

ive been having very drastic thoughts recently since i feel backed into some kind of corner with the options my luck gives me, but i guess im lucky im too cowardly to do shit.

again, i was distracting myself with cosplay stuff earlier. ill probably distract myself with drawing on a later date. but i cant help but feel like things will either get worse or i’ll have to endure acting like things are fine. again.

i suppose the best thing is sticking to my own and continuing to do my own thing even if things dont look up. even tho ive been doing that.

that’s all.

night.

#buzzcull

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tsuncoon · 5 years

Text

Can a Skeksis cry pt 2

I went off the rails and wrote way too fucking much ahah enjoy

SkekGra kept running , the further he got the more it pained him to be apart from urGoh. It felt like an elastic band was stretching thin, pulling him back to his other, his better half.

He just needed to get away from the whispers and the looks. His breathing rasped, it was like he was swimming against the tides. He could not remember the last time he had been so far from Urgoh, probably while he was still the Conqueror.

If the Conqueror could see what he had become, it was funny to think just how strongly he would oppose the path taken, how he would likely stop ar nothing to ensure this future would not be his. Yet here he was. Suffering the fate the other Skeksis refuse to endure.

He let out a loud and frustrated wail as he tugged on his fluffy mane, he hoped Thra was proud of itself for giving him the vision and making him suffer so, it was a just punishment for his crimes.

SkekGra’s fur bristled as he heard a twig snap near by, over the years he had let his senses dull while he was isolated with only himself. He hadn’t realized by smell or sound that anyone else was in the immediate area.

“Hmmmm old friend? Is that you?”

SkekGra recognized the curious humming

“Chamberlain” he breathed in surprise, the last time he saw another Skeksis he ended up with a knife through his hand. He was not sure if the Chamberlain came as a friend or foe. SkekGra certain did not want to fight another Skeksis, but if he must then he would without hesitation.

“Call Skeksil, we were once friends yes?”

SkekGra was once loyal to all of his kind, there was a strong sense of skeksishood, an unspoken bond tethered together by loyalty and a desire to not be alone, he could feel that bond even now. He recognized that no one could understand him the way another Skeksis could, not even UrGoh as much as he tried, they were opposites while he and the Skeksis were the same.

He felt great longing as he recalled his time in the castle, but those fleeting happy moments in the days of early Skeksis rule would always be soured by his fall to Heretic.

Distinctly he remembered the Chamberlain murmuring into the ears of their companions, and their emporor. These mutterings made expressions towards SkekGra grew colder and more suspicious By the day. He wondered what lies SkekSil had told them to make them distrust him so, or maybe he did not need to lie at all.

“No, I don’t think you were ever my friend" SkekGra admitted somberly, it saddened him to say it out loud, he was a fool to have thought otherwise back then.

The Chamberlain hummed “Could be friends now, I could help Heretic earn place black in palace. Be Conqueror again, in need of your talents times of war" Chamberlains hands were at his sides, very calm and open.

“No" he declined without an ounce of hesitation “I would never--"

“Conqueror once would never betray own kind” SkekSil interrupted “your loyalty is wavering! Cannot be trusted by Gelfling”

SkekGra’s expression must have revealed just how much that hurt him, since the Chamberlain smiled and continued on that line of discussion. “how long hmmm till selfish heretic betray gelfling for own desires like betrayed Skeksis?” his words were full of judgment and malice.

“Maybe you’re right…” SkekGra said quietly “I am a Skeksis after all.”

The agreement made the Chamberlin confused, he hadn’t expected the other to agree with him so easily.

He walked closer to SkekSil “If anyone stands in my way, be it a Skeksis or a gelfling, I will run them through with my talons" he was looming over him, standing close. His eyes dared SkekSil to pull that blade he had hidden on him.

SkekSil watched the fiery anger in the Heretics eyes, recognizing them as the Conquerors. He could see now that while his name changed his intensity still burned as strong as ever, unfortunately that fire which was once used as a weapon for the Skeksis empire now threatened to burn down the Skeksis throne.

“You are fool!” SkekSil hissed “When Urskek whole Urskek will try to purify self again! SkekGra wont come back as Skeksis, Urskek will destroy SkekGra to become a pure self!”

“I will not make that mistake again” SkekGra stated confidently, he and Urgoh made that mistake once, he was certain they would not repeat it.

“Heretic may think so, but Urskek cannot go home with Skeksis half, too impure!” SkekSil had a point and SkekGra knew it, even when combined they would still be stuck here, forever outcastes from their kind because of him…

“I would rather spend the rest of my days together as one than separated and alone"

SkekSil pressed his beak together into a hard angry line. An annoyed groaning echoed from his throat.

“aahh" Skekgra hissed, grabbing his wrist to see dull teeth marks appearing on the back of his hand.

“Urgoh..” he looked to the Chamberlin suspiciously, if he was here.. that means the Grathim…

SkekGra glared towards Chamberlain, he should kill the other… he hated the Skeksis almost as much as he hated himself. Still, he could not blame them, he understood their motivations, he once thought the same way they did. They were just as incomplete and hopeless to control their instincts ass he was.

“If I see you again, SkekSil, I will kill you quickly to spare UrSol any suffering" he promised. Although it pained him to kill a being as hopeless as a Skeksis he couldn’t be weak, sacrifices would have to be mmade.

SkekGra didn’t look back, he took the fasted form of travel, through the trees, lunging through the branches. Running towards Urgoh he suddenly moved much more quickly as the strain between them lessened.

UrGoh had followed SkekGra from the gelfling building, but he was too slow to keep up once his half ran into the trees. To make chase was a lost cause.

UrGoh frowned as he watched him go. He should not have left SkekGra alone knowing how negative his thoughts could get when his mind was not stimulated and distracted.

The Skeksis got an unenviable amount of emotion in the split, as only half of one being it was to much for SkekGra to bear at times.

Urgoh sat on a large mossy log, content to wait there for his other half until he was ready to return; Urgoh was after all very patient. He closed his eyes and began to meditate barely having time to find tranquility before a curious voice called for him.

“A mystic.. so the rumors were true” the gelfling sounded by intrigued by its discovery. “you are from off world right?”

UrGoh slowly opened his eyes and his mouth “….yes"

“What is it like outthere?” I’ve never met someone from a different planet before, till now I’ve never known they existed!”

“o…ne.. p…re…s…pe…ct..ive… do…es.. not…”

The gelfling looking on awkwardly, he had expected a long answer, but not like this.

“….p….a..int… a..n… a..cc…ur…ate…. Pi…c..t..u..re"

The gelflings ears fell in disappointment, such a long wait for a non answer.

“Well, what’s the picture you paint?”

“…..” UrGoh breathed out deeply in contemplation of the question. He was not sure he could even say. His memories were foggy and incomplete, they had been split with SkekGra, and without the other here to help put the missing parts together, his memories were a nonsensical mess.

“…h…o…me… wa…s.. n…ic…e" he didn’t know what else he could say to ease the little gelflings curiosity. Homeworld was like nothing a gelfling could understand, every bit of it was different in every regard, down to its cells and atoms. They were made up of different things, from galaxies unlike anything comprehensible.

Urgoh’s eyebrows lowered sadly, he could feel SkekGra had gone quite a distance.

“Maybe I’ll ask Augrah…” the gelfling entwined their fingers nervously, the Mystic seemed lost in his own world, staring ahead at the trees. Urgoh didn’t even notice the little gelfling run off when a commotion began to erupt around them.

A few of the gelfling that had gone ahead of the group to scout were running back with their voices high in alarm. “The Garthim! They’ve arrived!”

“What!?” Breas voice was heard near by, along with the shattering of pottery, it would seem these monsters were faster than they appeared, and had caught up with them so quickly.

“They are closing in fast! We have to get out of here and meet up with the oth-AUGH!!” a large claw wrapped around the gelfling before flinging it through the air with all its force.

UrGoh lifted his hand to his mouth, he bit down strongly into his flesh. He did not bleed but there was a noticeable teeth pattern imprint.

The mystic stood up from his log to surprise Brea when he was suddenly behind her “qu…I…ck..ly.. w..e mu..st.. get… to.. saf…ety" he urged

“I have to warn everyone first!” She had to take charge of the panic and usher everyone to safety, it is what her mother would have done. “Our injured will need help leaving!” She ran towards the old tree that acted as a shelter for those previously injured by the Skeksis and their monsters.

She ran past Rian holding back one of the beasts, its claws were powerful enough to snap a sward in two, its hide impenetrable. All he could do was avoid its attacks, and pray to Thra it would not land one.

“RIAN! Hold on a little longer!” she hoped her words would keep him going. She ran against the crowd, arriving at the medical tent where the healthy gelfling were attempting to hurry the injured to safety, but it was a slow process as many could not be moved so roughly.

Brea was quick to help up a gelfling who had lost his leg. “Come on now, time to go" she tried to sound her least frightened.

“princess.. you are too important to lose.. please.. leave me. I am no longer helpful to the rebellion"

“Nonsense!” she spoke in anger “no one will be left behind! Your life has worth, I owe you this debt for fighting alongside us" she assured, putting his hand around her shoulder, her other hand held his hip as they slowly waddled to the door.

The tree they were inside shook, debris falling from the ceiling. She was quick to cover the poor man, coughing as they both inhaled the dirt.

Outside she suddenly heard… silence

It had been a while since SkekGr ahad climbed and leaped through the foliage of Thra, it was much easier to grip than the stones that made up his home at the circle of the sun and the caves of Grot.

When SkekGra arrived he could see Garthim closing in on a small group of gelfling soldiers attempting to hold it back while others flee.

SkekGra pushed himself off a branch, launching at the horrific beetle monster with the dead purple gaze.

The gelfling shrieked “The Skeksis are here!!” they felt now that they were truly doomed.

One lone gelfling was trapped in the creatures claws, screaming and refusing to accept his imminent death. Just as the monster intended to snap the gelfling in two SkekGra intercepted, grabbing the attackers claw and forcing it open, the unharmed gelfling dropped to the ground, surprised but thankful.

The Garthims other claw stabbed into SkekGras side, but his years sustaining injury helped him fight through the pain. Even as felt warm ooze dripping down his side. From this he gathered that the Garthim were not smart enough to go for vital parts of the body, they relied on brute force to end the fight. But against a Skeksis hoping to win with brute force was not a good strategy.

SkekGra’s talons dug deep, piercing the hard shell of the monsters claw before swinging his arms enough to throw the beast over his shoulder and smashing the beetle into the dirt floor.

The gelfling who once trembled watched, astonished by the display of power, most of them had heard of Skeksis might, but had never witnessed it for themselves.

There was a reason so few Skeksis managed to control so many gelfling and creatures of Thra, their power was other worldly.

The monster struggled on it’s back until SkekGra stomped on its head until the purple light in its eyes drained.

The surrounding gelfling looked down to the felled beast. Due to the damage it had sustained the abomination began to unravel and fall apart.

SkekGra had left before the gelfling had a chance to speak. He put pressure to his wound as he ran against the crowd, he would never admit it to anyone but it was a challenge to avoid stepping on the little gelflings when they scurried around like this.

He spotting Rian dancing with one of the Garthim, he watched curiously, knowing better than to steal a kill.

“Where is UrGoh?” he inquired very loudly

“Little busy here!” Rian grunted, throwing himself to the floor to avoid being struck, only now he found himself in a vulnerable position, laying in the dirt.

SkekGra moved between Rian and the Garthim, he did not like to ruin another’s fun but felt it was appropriate to step in. Grabbing the dark creations clawed arm he ripped the appendage out of its socket, a trench of bile opened, splattering on those who got too close. As the bloody fluid emptied the reanimated being became nothing but a husk like the last one.

SkekGra put out his hand to help the little gelfling rise. Rian breathed a sigh of relief, glad to have been saved in the nik of time. “I am afraid I don’t know where UrGoh is. Aren’t you always with him?”

“We don’t always have to be together. It’s a choice" he rebutted, feeling a little insulted at Rians assumption that he was so dependent, maybe he was just defensive because it was true.

“We will find him. You’re alive so he must be fine” Rian reasoned. He had spotted another beetle monster scurrying towards a hollowed out tree that acted as a safe haven for gelfling to hide.

“Help me to push these guys back enough so the others can escape"

“Push them back? Gelfling with talk like that you will never beat the Skeksis. Were going to kill them" SkekGra said, rather aggressively stealing a sward from a trembling gelfling soilder.

Weak, he would never had allowed such a gelfling in his ranks before, but now days he didn’t have the luxury of choosing who fought. Everyone who could had to stand against the Skeksis.

Rian was a little hesitant to get chose to SkekGra, it was like a switch went off and the Skeksis was a totally different being. He seemed so.. combative. He was clearly looking for a fight.

With a large smile SkekGra bounded towards the fight shirking loudly like a war cry. He ran head first into one of the Garthim, pushing it far back, away from the rest so they’re attacks out be out of sync. He knew better than to take on too many at once, he needed to separate them first.

It had been so long since he last gripped a sward, this one was so light it felt like wielding a feather but he was energized none the less, lashing and cutting the blade through the east with his great power. The sward was left with dent after dent, too flimsy to withstand the impact of blade against the Garthim shell.

With his hands he tore the Garthims legs from its body, then proceeded with the other limbs until it was lifeless like the rest. Still SkekGra took out some pent up frustrations on the beast, thinking it was probably the only thing as monstrous as he was.

He flinched when he felt a gentle hand on his shoulder then turned to see UrGoh standing there next to him.

“I..t….I….s .. D…o…ne…” UrGoh urged his Skeksis counterpart away from the bloody pulp that was the monsters body.

He noticed his better half had very bloody knuckles, immediately he grew concerned that he had been attacked before realizing it was his own over zealous attacking that had damaged both their bodies.

SkekGra clenched his blood covered fists “..I hurt us again" he whispered very shamefully, getting a sympathetic look from the mystic “I…d..I..dn..t… e..v…en.. f…ee..l.. I…t.” UrGoh gave him an understanding pat on the shoulder and smiled.

As the adrenaline left his body SkekGra noticed the gelfling that had surrounded them, drawn in by the commotion.

SkekGra suddenly felt very exposed. He imagined he must look even more terrifying then he had before, covered in blood and allowing them to see a suppressed violent side to him.

“Heretic that was amazing! I didn’t know you had it in you!” Rian said excitedly and out of breath. He and a small army of gelfling were able to handle the other Grathim.

“What is going on here?” Brea walked towards her Skeksis friend, handing the injured soilder to a vapran herbal master to aid him.

“The Heretic took out two Grathim all on your own!”

“Three!” a Drenchen gelfling from earlier shouted, the very one SkekGra has pried from the beast at first arrival. “I had my doubts about you Heretic, but I am glad to have you on our side"

SkekGra was surprised by the warm reception he was getting.

“you know what this means?!” an unnamed gelfling shouted from the crowd “Were saved!” the chatter was rising along with excitement levels.

“He can be our secret weapon against the Garthim!”

“He can take the Skeksis head on!”

“I am glad he is on our side!”

“SkekGra the good!” the gelflings cheered and chanted. SkekGras eyes were wide, they weren’t afraid. They liked him.. despite being a Skeksis and all the pain he and his kind had caused.

He knew his nature, knew he was capable of horrible things. He would use his strength to help the gelfling he once conquered and with their help become closer to one day being whole.

#skeksis #SkekGra #skeksil #urgoh the wanderer #skekgra and urgoh #urgoh #the wanderer #the Conqueror #the heretic #the good #the dark crystal #dark crystal #brea #rian

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syekick-powers · 4 years

Text

rambling about emotions and self-control

i think one of the things that pisses me off the most when family members criticize me is when they say that i’m “bad at controlling my emotions”. first of all, I have ADHD and bipolar simultaneously, my emotions are a hundred times fucking stronger than yours. secondly, i am actually excellent at controlling my emotions. i am the kind of person where if i am having a panic attack, you might not have any fucking clue that i’m even having anxiety unless i state directly that im having a panic attack. ive had PAs so bad where i legit thought i was about to die and not a single shred of that world-ending panic touched my external affect for a second. part of my fucking trauma revolves around having to hide my distress to avoid freaking out other people, which means that i learned to develop a diamond fucking grip on my external signs of distress. it’s deeply maladaptive in some situations, but in other situations it’s equally as useful. and yet because i am very animated and exaggerated in my persona, people assume that i just let my emotions fountain everywhere uncontrollably and that i’m just a waterfall of feelings.

incorrect. every bit of exaggeration in my affect is deliberate. i am not acting like a clown because i can’t control myself, i am purposefully choosing to exaggerate to convey my feelings more effectively. if i don’t want you to know what i’m feeling, you will never ever ever find out. there are some people i interact with on a regular basis whomst i fucking loathe deeply, and yet any time i interact with them i am completely personable and friendly. when im streaming video games on a high difficulty and get frustrated from having to do the same part over and over and over again, i never get tilted on stream. i dont yell or rage, and in fact the more frustrated i become the more blank and expressionless my affect turns. when i was playing dead space 2 on zealot difficulty on stream recently, all of my viewers were complimenting the fact that i spent at least two collective hours on trying to beat the final boss and yet still did not get visibly upset or pissed off once.

yes, my emotions are strong. i have two separate disorders that both have “emotional dysregulation” as some of their biggest negative side effects. my bad moods feel like a fucking firestorm most of the time and strong emotions are very difficult to handle and control. sometimes, my emotions get the better of me and i snap or get irritable. but the only time i’m irritable is when i feel physically and emotionally like utter dogshit and the bad mood impacts my ability to hold back my emotions. the truth is that in my day to day life there are dozens of fucking things that irritate the living hell out of me and i choose to discard my frustration rather than stay mad about something trivial--either that, or i feel the frustration intensely, but bite it back and don’t say anything because i’m not in the mood to pick a fight. if i’m being pissy with you, it’s because i’m completely fuck-out of all mental and physical energy that i would otherwise use to hold back my irritation. there is nothing left to burn. there aren’t even fumes in the tank. this bitch empty, so prepare for the yeet.

the problem that i run into with my family members is that this internal struggle to contain my emotions is completely invisible to any external viewers. they’re not me, of course they can’t see what’s going on in my head. what makes that an issue is that they don’t see the twenty fucking times i got irritated and managed to control my temper through the frustration, they only see the five or so times i lose control. my efforts are invisible to everyone around me, so when i finally do get fed up and make a snippy comment or complain, it seems like i just let my emotions get the better of me all the time.

to be fuckening honest, if the people who criticized me lived one fucking day in my shoes, the extremity of my emotions would exhaust them within hours. the thing is, i’m 25 fucking years old, which means i’ve lived with this shit for over two fucking decades. i have learned to control myself to an extent, and, being honest with yall? it fucking exhausts the living shit out of me all the goddamn time. it’s like my brain expends all my mental fuel reserves on overclocking my emotions as hard as possible while leaving no fuel left over for activities in the day that i actually need to do. it’s part of the reason i’m so fuckdamn tired all the fuckdamn time. but i’m not bad at controlling my emotions when i actually have the energy to do so. in fact, i’m so good at suppressing them that half the time, people don’t know i’m upset at all. to a certain extent, i’ve gotten used to how extreme my emotions are, and have started learning to predict what sets me off so i can make an effort to avoid the negative stimulus and save myself the frustration. i’m just really fucking tired of people accusing me of not controlling my emotions well enough when god fucking damnit you have no idea how hard i’m actually fucking trying!!! it feels like i’ve gotten so good at hiding my distress in my day-to-day life that now people have no fucking idea how shitty i actually feel until they poke me one too many times and i fucking bite their finger off, and then assume that i just randomly blew up on them with no reason or justification. that i’m just behaving like this to spite them personally.

i promise you im not fucking behaving randomly. in fact, my frustration triggers are actually pretty fucking consistent. the same bullshit behaviors will always piss me off; what changes on a day-to-day basis is how well i control the extremity of my reaction. if i’m having a good day, i have enough fuel stores to go “meh, whatever” and brush it off without being too bothered for very long. if i feel like shit, my ability to control my response is hampered and it becomes much harder to bite back a snippy comment. i’m not lashing out to be malicious or spiteful. i’m lashing out because you’ve been doing this shit every day for the past two fucking weeks and today i’m just too tired to deal with this fucking bullshit anymore. my reaction is not a sudden unprovoked blowing up of a bomb. it’s “you poked the caged animal one too many times and now it’s going to fucking bite you to make you stop because it has no other way to express its frustration”.

i try to be clear and concise with my boundaries, and frankly i don’t think they’re all that unreasonable. i like to be able to decide when and how i do a task on my own time rather than being pushed and pulled and jabbed and pressured every step of the way. i like to be able to have my own space where people have to get my permission before entering suddenly so that i feel like i have a safe place to hide when i’m overstimulated. i like to decide when and where i want to engage in socialization, and for how long. i like being able to decide when i’m ready to do a task, rather than having a task suddenly shoved on me with no warning or being pressured to do it before i’m ready. i do not like being gifted objects i did not request (and often actively requested not to get) and then being expected to be grateful for something i didnt even want in the first place. i don’t like gifts coming with invisible price tags and obligations that can change whenever the gifter decides they want more out of me. and i absolutely cannot. fucking. stand. passive aggression. all of these things do not really seem all that unreasonable to me, yet time and time again people treat me like i’m just asking for so much more than they can possibly give. and you know what? 75% of the fucking time when someone crosses one of these boundaries all i do is Make A Note Of It and go along with the boundary violator’s wishes anyway, because i actively decided that making a big deal out of them crossing my boundaries is not worth the effort of asking them to change their behavior, because throughout my entire fucking life i’ve been constantly treated as the irrational, unrealistic, crazy bitch for trying to set those boundaries. i’ve been taught time and time and fucking time again that defining my boundaries is too much to fucking ask. so when someone does violate my boundaries, there’s a little “Sye will remember that“ popup and absolutely zero expression or reaction. which means that yes. when i finally get tired and can’t bite back my frustration any longer, it’s because you’ve done the exact same thing to me two hundred fucking times previous and i don’t have the fucking patience to suck it up and deal with it anymore. im done with your shit.

so yeah. i’m a little bit fucking sick of people telling me that i have poor self-control. the fact that you think i have no self-control is an indicator of how good it actually is, because i’m so fucking good at hiding my distress that you don’t even have any idea how absolutely like a fetid mound of horse shit i feel like until my fuse finally burns all the way up. i can contain a 10-out-of-10 ‘i’m imminently about to die’ panic attack so well that not a scrap of that panic shows up in my external affect for even a second. i can suppress my pain on stream when it’s at a 7 out of 10 intensity or higher and be fucking on stream playing video games and commentating and show almost no sign of discomfort except for an intense concentrating face. don’t you fucking ever tell me that i’m bad at controlling myself. i’m a goddamn adult. i’ve learned how to control 90% of my fucking emotions so well that i could be holding a conversation with you imagining myself breaking your fucking nose and show absolutely zero sign of external hostility. i am good at controlling my fucking emotions. the problem is that my emotions are so world-endingly, apocalyptically intense that sometimes i just get too fucking tired to hold back, and then that’s when i bite. i’ m not just lashing out randomly with no provocation. i’ve been tread on a million fucking times and took it with a smile and you had no fucking idea. just because i bit you doesn’t mean i did it because i have no self-control. self-control? self-control???? don’t you fucking talk to me about self-control you headass bitch. i have a fucking supernova coming out of my brain and you’re telling me im weak for not being able to bite it back when your emotions have about as much intensity as a bowl of lukewarm porridge. don’t ever fucking criticize me for not being able to control myself when you’re playing life on easy mode and i’ve been stuck on expert all my fucking life. self-control. don’t you fucking talk to me about self-control ever again. you have no idea what the fuck you’re even talking about. fuck off.

#sye's babbles #sorry this is a fucking essay but i needed to get some shit off my chest

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haupokemon · 5 years

Text

an andi mack reminisce + a thank you to you all

i wanted to write something just remembering all the experiences and joy ive had with this show and fandom as well as give thanks to every single one of you in the fandom. this is probably going to get Really Long so i’ll be putting this under a keep reading border so it doesnt clog up peoples dashboards :3

anyways, to start this long ramble off, i’ve been in this fandom for almost 2 years. i found andi mack through a “top ten gay disney characters” youtube video a day after season 1 episode 1 had aired while i was sick actually which is the absolutely weirdest way to find the show but im so happy i found it. i actually wasnt going to watch it originally but i saw a character i had never seen before in the thumbnail, and that peaked my curiosity. of course, this character was cyrus, and upon finding him and this show, i immediatly bingewatched every episode to get caught up to the storyline for cyrus, and i got hooked on the first episode. this show is so important to me for so many reasons, and im so incredibly greatful for how well everyone working on the show has done in bringing these characters to life to show so many important aspects of life. seeing topics such as being lgbt, anxiety, teen pregnancy, and learning disabilities being brought up as well as seeing such a diverse and amazing cast makes me so incredibly happy and i am so glad the kids watching this can get introduced to these things in such a good way. i was also very depressed when i had found andi mack, and it and its fandom helped me through all of that and i will always be greatful it was there in that point of my life. this show also has such relatable and great characters, and the actors to these characters are just as amazing. i was able to easily relate to andis love of crafts and arts, the loyalty of buffy, the awkwardness and kindness of cyrus, and also the complete dumbassary of season 1 jonah beck when i started watching. the characters have always been written in such an entertaining and great way too, so its always been easy to get immediately wrapped up in whatever a character may be doing or dealing with. seeing all of these characters develop and grow throughout these past few seasons has just been amazing to watch, especially since ive grown so attached to these characters. i also can relate a lot to the lgbt and anxiety storylines, as i am lgbt (bi and trans, yeehaw!!) and also deal with an anxiety disorder. watching cyrus deal with coming out multiple times and living his life as a newly discovered gay kid is just what i needed to see and relate to back when i was fresh into 8th grade and starting to get used to life after realizing i was bi, and i can relate to it even more now that ive realized im trans. with jonah, seeing him have such a realistically portrayed reaction to panic attacks as well as a very realistically portrayed panic attack in general was just the representation i needed, and helped to keep reminding me that all of what i deal with doesnt make me any less of a person. all of this representation being shown so well has made the experience of watching this show even better. and now, onto all of you guys!! :D when i first started watching this show all the way back at season 1 episode 1, i scrambled to find any other fans out there, and i started my search at tumblr. i was instantly welcomed with an excited and passionate fanbase that welcomed every new member with open arms and kindness. the fandom has always had a sense of us all being a tight-knit group, even with the fandom getting quite large now. also, with our fandom being so large now, you would expect a crazier fandom with more drama, but weve stayed so peaceful throughout the shows entire run, and i think thats really impressive!! honestly i feel like sticking through the hiatuses together has just made us an even tighter-knit andi mack fandom family and has also given us a l o t of patience DGKLJSDGLKG you all make such great content and ive never seen a fandom this passionate or dedicated before. the quality of fics, edits, art, animatics, animations, covers, theories, discussion and also baking in this fandom is incredible. being in this fandom has been so much fun and ive always been happy to come see whats in the tag everyday. its been a wild ride since the beginning of season 2 and you guys have made this fandom the best experience possible :D also some random memories: - y’all remember when tyrus was a crackship?? i remember shipping tyrus at the swingset scene and being so low on content in the tyrus tag omg, i still cant believe theyre finally becoming canon in just a few hours :,) - when we first started trending when cyrus came out to buffy.. that was WILD - DO YOU GUYS REMEMBER WHEN BEING AROUND YOU HAPPENED GLSJGDLKGD it feels like its been forever since that episode aired omg - m u f f i n t h e o r i e s - literally every time a promo released we all gained exactly one braincell hellbent on making as many theories as possible and we all shared it until the episode or episodes released - i remember when josh confirmed that cyrus would get an endgame and also crying a lot that day because of said confirmation - i remember being on vacation when the episode with cyrus talking to tj about his dyscalculia and i remember my brother wondering why i was freaking out DGKSHDSGK the fandom was wildin when that episode released its been a fun ride guys, and i hope we can keep the fandom alive for a long time after the finale :3

#MISS MACK ITS BEEN AN HONOR...#andi mack #tyrus

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deniigi · 5 years

Note

Hello! Just about to sit down and read your newest fic, so excited about it! I had a question for you (you very well may have answered this already, so sorry in advance!), but do you have advice for writing? Advice in terms of getting start, plotting out stories, helping get the creative juices flowing? I have all these ideas but seem to lack the drive to get things written out. I know the best advice is to just write, but I'm having a horrible time starting. What do you do in those moments?

Hello my dear!

Sorry for taking so long to get back to you. The lord has blessed me with a head cold and ruined all my plans of productivity for the day, so I can finally answer this ask! I’ll talk a little bit about both how to get started with a story and then some little things that help me motivate myself.

I have started a tag for writing advice here: http://deniigi.tumblr.com/tagged/writing-advice

This is going to be a long post, sorry mobile users.

I am going to preface all of this with the understanding that I am technically a professional writer in terms of like, a handful of ways, but I have absolutely zero training in creative writing, so take everything I say with a grain of salt!

So, I personally find that, on the whole, that psychological hurdle of getting started comes a lot from the anticipation of the kind of response a story will get (how many hits, how many comments, how many kudos) in addition to a bit of anxiety or fear over theloss of sustained interest in that story (by yourself and/or by your audience). I find that this can be alleviated by really, truly internalizing the understanding that you are allowed to write your work however you damn please, for whoever you damn please.

There will be work you write for others, and there will be work you write for yourself. Not all work needs to be published; sometimes, it is really nice to just write shit for yourself; it is a plus for humanity if you decide to share it with others, but you do not have to do that.

Furthermore, I would like to present you with this:

This is what my current folder for under fire looks like. And you might notice that there are almost always multiple drafts per chapter. Yes, I did in fact rewrite chapter four 5 fucking times, you bet your ass I did. And I’m not ashamed of it. I think the story is better for it. And that’s the important thing here: you do not need to produce a perfect draft the first time around. You will not produce that perfect draft. Accept this. Embrace this. Embrace it and your cat at the same time to really ingrain it as a warm, fuzzy feeling.

Liberate yourself from the pressure of needing to produce the perfect, most right draft and you may find starting the piece overall to be a much easier, more pleasant experience.

And along with this beautiful, uplifting spiritual advice, I also bring a practical thought: when it comes to getting started, a lot of times, people feel like they need to set the stage, yadda yadda yadda. Ha. No. Fuck that.

That’s a surefire way to bore the shit out of yourself. Start right in the middle of a scene that captivates you if that’s what you want to write. It’s a free platform. No one’s gonna arrest you if you stick Spiderman upside down in trash first thing. They might even applaud you actually, because you didn’t make them slog through some of that ‘It was the evening of the 25th and it was cold out in the streets” bullshit we all learned from Dickens.

Alright. Now let’s talk about actually getting started making words appear on paper.

So, from my knowledge there are generally two ways that folks write creatively. You have what I’m going to call the planners and then you what I’m going to call the monsters (I call them this entirely affectionately, I’m sure there’s a better word for these folks, but I don’t have it atm, all I have is a headcold). Planners are folks who sit down and work out their major plot points, who write outlines, and who create the scaffolding of their work before they set out on their magical journey. I think of these folks as architects.

And then you have the monsters and these are those fuckers who just sit down and write stream of consciously like the heathens all our high school teachers tried to teach us not to be.

I am both a planner and a monster. And a lot of that depends on the length of work I’m going for. I have never in my life planned a one-shot, for example. I just attack that as it is. I follow my heart, if you will. But when it comes to longer chaptered fics, I really do think that some outlining is super helpful.

You might find it useful for one-shots, though, I dunno. Maybe give it a try and see what happens?

The two main fics I’ve done proper outlines for are Inimitable and under fire and I actually find outlining to be immensely helpful in psyching me up to write the story (I go through and re-read my outlines when I start to lose interest or diverge too much from the plot outlined there in the actual writing. 9 times out of 10, re-reading gets me stupid excited to write all over again) and it also helps me keep momentum going throughout the plot.

Here’s a pic of some pages of under fire’s outline.

Physically writing the work is really important for me because it forces me to only put down key points/feelings/ideas I want to include, whereas typing gives me far too much room to get lost/distracted by extraneous detail. And since my handwriting is a teacher’s worst nightmare and I cross out shit and write huge with emotion, I’ll give you a little bit of what the middle page here says:

Miles-

there’s something thrumming

vibrating in his ears wherever he goes

-closes his eyes and somehow enters blackness- emptyness (Stranger Things style)

beat

“help.”

–BACK - everything is gone

closing his eyes doesn’t bring the space back

–it makes him panic. He doesn’t know why. His heart is pounding. He’s sweating He has a horrible feeling of doom.

beat

its gone.

he goes home anxiously. Pretends everything is normal.

his neck crawls

So basically it’s less of a formal outline and more of a collection of stream of consciousness feelings and screenplay directions which I’ll flesh out in the actual story.

Personally, I love writing these kinds of things because they get me pumped for the story I’m about to tell. I get to write out the key scenes and work through all the hard parts first, and then, while I’m writing, I work through the little fun details and banter and I have to write to figure out how we get from one scene to the next and I love the challenge of having to fit those pieces together. I very rarely stick strictly to my outline, (as anyone who is currently reading under fire can tell you right now), but I do try to stick to the main plot points in it and my writing is certainly better for it.

So yes. Outlining is very good, but it is even better when you do it to some kind of music. I listened to What’s Up Danger from the Into the Spiderverse soundtrack on repeat while I wrote this outline to kind of transfer some of the relentless pace conveyed in that song to the piece’s plot.

I highly recommend using music to set the mood of your piece while/before you write a piece of any length. It helps get you in the right headspace (excited or somber or angry) to write. You need emotion to write creatively. You can’t just make that happen sometimes; you need a little help.

A couple other things which might help:

1. Leave your house or the space you’re normally in. Go to a cafe and find a nice corner and have a think and a try in there. Sometimes moving to a different space helps you escape cyclical thinking patterns.

2. Write what you want to read. Don’t bother writing for other peoples’ interests; that’ll just bore the shit out of you all over again.

3. Find an atmospheric mood sound to listen to on Youtube or smth (I personally like Rain on a Car Windshield for slightly somber fics, but you might be into ocean storms or dripping caves or whatever).

4. Heat your feet. I don’t know why but I am entirely unproductive when my feet are cold. Maybe this one is me-specific, but whatevs. Heat the feets!

5. If you’re still having trouble just sitting down and pounding the story out, that’s okay! Maybe it’s not ready to be written yet. Maybe you’re not in the right headspace yet. Sometimes that’s just how it is. One story makes its way out in like, a hour, and the next one takes like, months to finally be written. We all work at different paces. We all write for different reasons.

It might help to figure out why you want to write a story before you write it. Like, if its for attention, it’s gonna be hard as hell. But if there’s an idea that you feel like is important or if there’s a mood you’re trying to work yourself into or out of, then that might be a little easier. For example, I wrote a piece called make it work which is about Fogs finding his motivation to be a lawyer and fight for justice when Kavanaugh was confirmed and I felt super helpless in the face of our present justice system. That story kind of wrote itself and it needed to be written, I feel, not just for me, but for others who were feeling just as helpless.

Writing is catharsis in that way. Maybe you just need to find out what you need to wring out of your soul.

Sorry that got very metaphysical. But I do want to stress that getting started and ending a story are the hardest parts of writing them, so you are definitely not alone if you feel like you’re ramming your head into a wall here.

I hope something here helps you, my dear!

#fic #writing advice #fanfiction #managingmischiefsince1988

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derpyslurpy-da-derp-master · 5 years

Note

All the personal asks plz

Alrighty then!

1. Any scars?

Mhm, pretty much all the scars I have are burns. One is from burning the side of my arm on an iron my mom had standing upright that I brushed against trying to reach something on the counter behind it and I’ve got one or two other scars from my culinary class on my hands from trying to put a tray in the oven and bumping it on the rungs above the ones I was putting it on. I burnt my hand day one of actually cooking. Yes I’m a disaster.

2. Self harmed?

Absolutely not. One, I’m too scared of pain, and two, I have uh… An unpleasant history involving someone else threatening self harm to make me do what they wanted, so… It’s a really sore spot for me.

3. Crush?

I honestly have no idea.

4. Kissed anyone?

Nope

5. Coke or Pepsi?

Neither they make me physically ill

6. Someone you hate?

There’s a LOT of assholes at my school but the person I hate the most is probably my dad for reasons.

7. Best Friends?

Mhm! I’ve got a handful on this site but my IRL best friend is @theansweris-a. She doesn’t really get on tumblr anymore but if you’re reading this I love you friendo and have a good day! :D

8. Have you ever done alcohol or drugs?

hahaha fuCK NO. I’d rather not get addicted to something that can and will kill me and throw my money at people to sustain it. If someone offered me either I’d probably flip them off whilst slowly backing up and getting tf out of there because NO.

9. What’s your dream job?

Author/Illustrator with some VA work and Video Game directing on the side.

10. Ever been in love?

I have. It was with someone I didn’t have a chance with and who would be an absolutely awful lover to me since we weren’t compatible emotion-wise so I let it go. It was hard, but I did it.

11. Last time you cried?

Last Sunday trying to explain to my mom why our preacher and the church we go to has completely fallen out of my favor for it’s very loud blatant ‘LGBT people are bad abortion is evil insert other white conservative stuff here’ ‘cause she doesn’t know I’m LGBT+ (and it’s going to stay that way) and I was trying to explain to her why I would never say invite my LGBT friends to church because they would be mercilessly persecuted by people who call themselves followers of God then spit in his eye by doing the exact opposite of everything he’s asked of them. Yes I still feel really strongly about this.

12. Favorite color?

Cyan!

13. Height?

How coincidence, I just got it measured today! 5′6, FINALLY OFFICIALLY TALLER THEN MY MOM MUHAHAHAHAHA

14. Birthday?

November 17th!

15. Eye color?

Milk chocolately-brown

16. Hair color?

Dark brown

17. What do you love?

this is so open ended hjkfjfjkhgkjh okay then I love girls, video games, anime, writing, drawing, reading, and animals.

18. Obsession?

My top 3 in order of obsession; Kill La Kill, RWBY, and Kingdom Hearts.

19. If you had one wish, what would it be?

For every single illness, disease, syndrome, disorder, and so on to have a cure. From Cancer to Asthma. Both because I have so many incurable diseases/disorders and because I know there are people out there who have things so much worse than me in that department.

20. Do you love someone?

I love all my mutals, friends, and most of my family including extended family.

21. Kiss or hug?

I’ve never been kissed so I don’t know anything about how that would be so I’d say hug because I love hugs!

22. Nicknames people call you?

Derpy, Slurpy, D-Slur, Resident Cinnamon Roll (That’s my actual nickname on a Revue Starlight discord)

23. Favorite song?

this is like asking me to pick my favorite child uhhhhh… This Life Is Mine by Jeff Williams, it just means a lot to me.

24. Favorite band?

i know no bands by name

25. Worst thing that has ever happened to you?

….Okay, uh, this is gonna be really hard to decide because a LOT of bad things have happened to me. I’ll go with the more physical choice because I’d rather not dump too much of my emotional baggage onto yall. One time I was being prepped for surgery and they needed to get the IV in. (for the record I’m shaking pretty badly right now from thinking about this) They had to stab my arm with what they called a ‘Bee sting’ (it wasn’t a bee sting it goes almost down to the bone) that had numbing stuff in it and they were trying to find a vein they could put my IV in but they couldn’t find one (okay now i’m typing really fast so I don’t have to think about this for long) and they kept stabbing my arm over and over again. The thing is I have a serious phobia of needles that sends me into panic attacks, I’ll go lightheaded I’ll lose my hearing and so on. So I was trying to put a brave face on despite my parents not even being there but they would. not. stop. They didn’t give me a break. It was one stab then another then another then another. I was having a full blown panic attack, I was almost crying. Then they seemed to get it. They left me for a bit and my parents came in. My arm started swelling. They HADNT got it. My arm was being filled with whatever my IV was. They came back in with the beesting. They started stabbing me again but on the other arm. I couldn’t keep a brave face anymore after thinking they were finally done. I started to cry and sob and the panic attack I had that day was the single worst I have ever had. It got worse. They missed a vein entirely and instead hit a bundle of nerves. My hand started involuntarily twitching as pain unlike any I’ve ever felt before or until now wracked my arm. I had actual trauma from this, the night after the surgery I kept feeling ghost pains of the stabs in my arms, I had to sleep on my stomach with my arms wrapped around my front just to make them go away. I’m still extremely traumatized of this to this day. I never want to have surgery again. I never want an IV again.

Okay that got away from me there I’m sorry I kinda was having a panic attack while writing that. Anyways moving on.

26. Best thing that has ever happened to you?

This is gonna sound cheesy but meeting @theansweris-a. She’s the sweetest and kindest person I have ever met in my entire life and I feel so incredibly lucky to call her my friend, though knowing her she’ll see this and reply with ‘No U’ because we always end up in a shouting match of ‘YOU ARE A WONDERFUL HUMAN BEING’ ‘NO YOU’RE A WONDERFUL HUMAN BEING’

27. Something you would change about yourself?

I definitely would lose weight. Not because of societies bullshit but because I legitimately want to lose weight so I can actually get strong and build up some muscle, I WANT TO BE ABLE TO OPEN GATORADE BOTTLES GODDAMNIT

28. Ever dated someone?

Nope, I’m closeted and have no interest in even pretending I’m straight by dating a guy, I mean I know some genuinely nice guys (all of them dorks) but they’re all just my friends though they are massive goofballs and I love them very much. (Entirely platonically)

29. Worst mistake?

I… Don’t think you guys wanna know that. It’s nothing bad its just depressing and I don’t wanna be more depressing then I already have been.

30. Watch the movie or read the book?

Depends on which is better, like I’d rather watch the Chronicles of Narnia than read the books because the books are honestly terrible but I’d rather read Percy Jackson than watch the movie because the movies are incredibly unfaithful to the books.

31. Ever had a heartbreak?

Yeah…

32. Favorite show?

Kill La Kill!

33. Best day of your life?

My cheesiness never ceases but the first time I actually hung out with @theansweris-a IRL at the mall. I remember being SO excited for it but also nervous that how easily we talk to each other wouldn’t translate into real life and I remember spotting her walking up and practically shouting her name before running up and giving her a big ol’ hug whilst crying happy tears (I know i’m sappy shut up) and then when we were let loose to walk around we quickly discovered that we clicked almost immediately and incredibly well it was just the best thing ever. Like, in that one day alone we spent six hours in that mall just chatting and buying stuff and having fun and we left the mall with like three different inside jokes despite it being our first time meeting in person since we first met. Hi my name is Derpy and I’m a big ol’ sap.

34. Any talents?

I’m pretty good at writing, I can type really fast, and I can play the harmonica.

35. Do you wish you could ever start over?

Absolutely not. Things are the way they are for a reason, and even though I’ve been through a LOT it’s because of all that that I’m the person I am today and I wouldn’t trade that for the world.

36. Any bad habits?

Yeah, I’m a nail biter.

37. Ever had a near death experience?

Yes actually, when I was 3 or 4 we took a plane to California to visit some relatives and I almost walked out of the air hatch one the way out, I remember this vividly even though it was a long time ago. If it wasn’t for the flight attendant grabbing me before I fell out, I wouldn’t be here today.

38. Someone I can tell anything to?

@theansweris-a and @my-words-are-light, they’re both really good listeners and have helped me through a lot of stuff.

39. Ever lost a loved one?

My Great Grandpa Ritch died shortly after I was born, there’s a lot of pictures of him smiling and holding me while in a hospital bed and hooked up to oxygen.

40. Do you believe in love?

Oh absolutely, 100%. I mean if you know me you already know that I have just ABSURD amounts of love in my heart and I genuinely believe that it exists.

41. Someone you hate/Dislike?

Wasn’t this already a question?

42. Are you okay?

Mostly, yeah. I have some stuff to work on but I’m honestly at the best i’ve ever been!

43. Relationship status?

I’m a Single Pringle

#Ask #Original

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missjackil · 5 years

Text

My 14x17 Opinion

Game Night

This was the first new episode since “The Announcement” and I have to say I was putting off writing it. I usually post these the day after, but I procrastinated so it’s a bit late. So forgive my butt-hurt tardiness and let's have at it.

I enjoyed this episode, though it wasn't without some issues. I must say that I was pleased that it wasn't as Sam-lite as I thought it would be from the promo pics, trailer, and knowing Jared didn't work a lot that week, I will always want for more Sam in an episode, but all his parts were necessary and high quality in this one, so I'm not angry at all.

We start the episode with Donatello making cookies, singing Raindrops are Fallin’ on my Head, which made me smile. It made me think of Butch Cassiday and The Sundance Kid and I love that movie, and if J2 ever want to play the leads in a remake, I would be willing to pay for it myself!

Donny gets interrupted by the door, and we know this is a problem because its the first 5 minutes of SPN, let's be honest. As soon as I see the bad guy’s wedding ring, I think “Shit... here comes Nick”. I thought he was gonna kill him and I'm glad he didn't. I like Donny, he looks like my dad. 😊

Back at the Bunker, the fam is getting ready for “Winchester Game Night” and Dean is playing Mouse Trap, and having no luck getting it to work. I had that game as a kid too and was never able to get it to work either, but it was fun putting it together! I did think it was a little sad but fitting, that Dean would have played that game as a 4 yr old, but leave it to John and Mary to give Dean a game made for older kids, that never worked out the way it was supposed to and had too many small parts he could choke on. (the irony is not lost on me)

Mary and Jack are in the kitchen. I could literally almost smell the Jiffy Pop popcorn. A Saturday night staple at my house growing up (any of you out there ever taste that greasy salt left on the sides of the foil pan? Good stuff!) and Mary starts in with the questions for Jack. I got a kick out of him telling her its annoying, and her face after. It’s ok Mary, he’s fine, he’s just a teenager now. Something I guess she never got to experience from the adult side.

Sam is out getting pizza, and all the times they’ve had pizza, I never really saw what Sam likes on his. Apparently both he and Dean like lots of pepperoni. Good choice boys! The joy is short-lived (of course) by Donatello’s call, and Dean and Mary go off to help. I loved Sam sitting there researching. I have always loved his look of interest and concentration during these times. Smart!Sam moment #1 he figures out the language is ancient Hebrew, #2 he has the moment of realization that he knows it’s from the Bible, and knows what chapter and verse. (demerits for the writers though for not knowing Peter is in the New Testament and is in Ancient Greek, not Hebrew, but kudos for Sam/Jared for at least knowing the book is located near the back of The Bible)

Mom and Dean in the car. Now we have the talk about how wrong she knows she’s been but how appreciative she is to have this time with him and Sam. Uhoh... sounds like lines typically given to a character who is soon to be killed off? Hmmm we’ll see. Soon they arrive at Donny’s to find Nick. He says he's poisoned Donny and to save him, they have to help him. He wants to talk.

Back at the bunker, violent rage!Sam awaits!! GOD that gave me tingles in the best way! I loved Dean leading Nick down the hall in cuffs, in slow motion as if leading him to his execution, and Sam standing there with his chest puffed out like a friggin’ bulldozer, and the snarl and slam attack against the wall!! (hand me that towel, please??) Dean backs Sam off, lots of brother touching going on, but we need intel, we can't kill him yet.

Now Sam is in self-loathing mode.... he thinks everything is his fault. So many people dying because of him. This is gonna be a big issue soon, I promise. Mom talks Sam off the self-deprecating ledge and tells him he gave Nick another chance because he’s a good man and that's why she’s so proud of him. Sam softens up into the sweetest “aww shucks ma” smile and I want to hug him💕 also, still lines are being spoken by mom that are synonymous with being killed off.

Now, I procrastinated talking about Cas and Anael because the whole thing was boring. I'm not a wife hater but at least make her necessary if you’re going to cast her. I was ok about her role as Sister Jo for Devil’s Bargain but she hasn't been necessary since. Cas wasn't even necessary in this episode. We knew he was hiding the fact that Jack killed the snake, and there are probably 1000 other ways they could have reminded us that the Samulet is still around and maybe they can use it, than for him to find a similar one in the thrift shop or whatever that place was. I dug Methuzula though, he was the oldest dude in the Bible. He wasn’t an angel, for any of you worried about him liking lasagna or why he couldn't just smite Cas... its because he's HUMAN just extremely old.

On to more interesting things.

Nick wants to talk to Jack. I was not pleased with Nick referring to Jack as his son. Im not 100% convinced that the writer (and all involved really) remembered that Jack isnt Nick’s son, but added that as a note of empathy Nick has for Lucifer, you’d THINK someone, particularly Jack would say “Im not your son” ?? but anyway, he gives intel to Jack and also gets his blood (dun dun dunnnn)

Sam is again a smarty pants and knows the antidote for Thalium is Prussian Blue (makes note) and figures he can hack the live feed (brains are so sexy) I also love that Sam’s word is the go word. So many more decisions are made because Sam thinks its the best option than he's ever given for in the fandom. So Sam and Dean take Nick with them to find Donny.

I really love the broments in this part. Dean tells Nick if he tries anything funny, Sam will shoot him. “And if anything happens to me....” “Sam will shoot me” “To start!” says Sam... because if he hurts Dean, Sam isnt letting him off that easy. But in true SPN form, as soon as Sam and Dean are separated, shit goes south.

Mom calls Sam and lets him know Donny was shot up with Angel grace, as Jack figured out, Nick was playing them. Now the fight between Sam and Nick ensues! Nick tells Sam why he used Donatello, which was to bring Lucifer back, “You can't, he’s dead he’s in the Empty” Sam says but this show’s self-awareness gets me sometimes lol Nick’s like “Cmon Sam you know no one stays dead anymore” and Sam starts kicking his ass.

Now, I have already seen a million of you whine and complain that Sam didn’t kill Nick. It’s almost as though some of you have never met Sam Winchester. Of course Sam could have killed Nick, and most of us wish he did, but Sam has stopped himself from killing humans before. He stopped himself with Jake in AHBL and also with Toni in 12x01. Unfortunately it always bites him in the ass. Could it be that Sam thinks if he can kill a human with his bare hands that he’s a monster? This isn’t bad writing folks, this is Sam’s character.

Nick takes advantage of Sam’s hesitation and starts nailing him with a rock. Spewing crap about Sam being Lucifer’s Perfect vessel and such.... this can only mean that issue will be coming up soon! Sam gets in the car and starts laying on the horn for Dean, calling out to him... Dean hears Sam is in trouble, enough playing around here time to kill some demons.

When he gets to Sam. he sees he’s badly injured. Sam can hardly hold on to consciousness, protective!dean kicks in! Apply preasure to the blled, call 911, call mom. Now check for brain damage and play a counting game with Sam This hurt my feels so much, it made it feel so much more serious than all the other head injuries he’s sustained. Dean and his caring big brother smile and light hearted speech so Sam doesnt panic just kills me in the best way!! Sam tries to count with him a little and breaks into “You always put me first... your whole life” and manages to muster a little smile. Dean knows Sam believes he’s checking out, and you see the fear all over Dean’s face as Sam fades away. (OMG these 2!! Every freakin time!!)

Meanwhile, Mary and Jack found Nick and he has summoned Lucifer and just about to take him in again (Lucifer looked pretty cool,,, gotta say) and Jack zaps Lucifer back into the rift (no not forever guys... cmon) and starts torturing Nick. Mary kinda flips out telling Jack to stop. He’s contorting his hand, burning him from the inside out... not simply killijng him. Mary is full on worried now. Jack stops and Nick is laying on the floor. Mary is in shock and tells Jack to go help Sam, He heals him and Dean cant even hide his relief as he turns away to catch his breath.

Now Jack returns to Mary who is more than worried about how Jack was torturing Nick. We know the Winchesters dont mind killing, but draw the line at torture. However, Mary stupidly poked the bear. She could have just kept herself and Jack calm and talked to the boys later, but she poked and poked till Jack freaked out. Though I am wondering if Jack was also hearing Lucifer when he was shouting “Leave me alone!!” But in any regard, he looked at Mary and something happened. Fade to black.

Aside from the Cas/Anael part, I really enjoyed this episode. A few issues yes, but it hit most of the marks needed for me to enjoy an episode. Ive already rewatched it twice and will again and again.

On a scale of Bloodlines to Lebanon, I give this a strong 7.5 without the Cas/Anael bit it would have been an easy 8.

#14x17 spoilers #game night #my opinion #i dug this one #love this 2nd half a lot

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lovedeluxe92 · 5 years

Text

okay so i started working at jimmy johns in early febuary of this year. i needed a job rlly bad and money desperately, just something to keep me afloat and to afford food. what i experienced...i was not at all prepared for lmao. i was sexually harassed, verbally harassed, had my hours fucked with, had management and even the owners of the company who could give a fuck less about their employees, had to deal with my fellow coworkers AND managers being on k2 and other drugs, and the final fucking straw which was getting my tip money stolen from me OUT OF THE SAFE BY A MANAGER. i started working as a delivery driver. which was INCREDIBLY stress inducing at first bc i worked at the one right downtown. i had to deal with

i started working as a delivery driver. which was INCREDIBLY stress inducing at first bc i worked at the one right downtown. i had to deal with

traffic, pedestrians NOT LOOKING WHERE THE FUCK THEY WERE GOING DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MANY PPL I ALMOST KILLED CAUSE /THEY/ DID NOT LOOK, we have ‘parking police’ and i legit got about 15-20 tickets during my time there bc that asshole was out for blood and anytime he saw my car, even if i wasnt parked illegally (oh did i mention we had like 3 parking spots all on the street and all with a 2 hour limit (: ) or hadnt been parked in a spot for the full 2 hours. so there was that.

see when i first started everything was fine. we had good employees who worked hard and did what they had to do. they were all stoners, but whatever i could care less about that. SO. our assistant manager, he was a mess. racist, homophobic, rude, loud. the worst. we would do dabs out in his car (yeah i know but i worked at a fucking jimmy johns) and he would just say the most questionable shit. i remember this one time he saw my phone background was a pic of me and my bf and was like ‘oh you like black guys? what’s your sex like? i bet it’s really good’ and im not gonna go into too much detail here, bc it upset me and its racist, but he kept going and said some REALLY creepy shit i was like wtf and told him to never speak to me like that again or i would report him for sexual harassment (side note: one time he thought i did report him for sexual harassment and was like “who are you gonna buy weed from now?” LITERALLY ANYONE YOU PIECE OF SHIT.) he would always be like “DAMN THICK’ whenever i would bend over and do everything. I TOLD MY MANAGER AT THE TIME. she didn’t do anything. AND the owners of the franchise definitely knew bc like...there’s cameras and they can hear everything we say? but no one did fucking anything. and i needed the money bad so i had to stay. of course i told him off constantly. he was white and always saying the n word. just a piece of fucking shit.

i think the happiest day of my life was when he FINALLY got fired. my manager had to go to another city for a week and help out that jimmy johns bc i guess ALL the employees and managers did a walk out (yeah this happens at all the jimmy johns owned locally in my area i wish i was kidding) and left his inept ass in charge. it took him 5 mins to make sandwiches (FREAKY FAST hello????) he was just a poor manager. but THEN he started using k2 again. and he was a zombie. there was no point of him even being there bc like he would just go to the back of the store and just stand in front of the freezer door staring for like 10-15 mins at a time.i was a driver and didnt know how to make sandwiches yet and this bitch seriously was just standing there cracked out of his mind on k2 in FRONT of customers (and i will say our customers were SO nice at least) takking phone calls slurring his words. it was embarrassing. i rememeber i had 2 customers who had waited almost a HALF HOUR for ONE sandwich bc i was having a panic attack and losing my fucking mind trying to make their sandwiches while he was in his truck getting high and refusing to come in. one of the customers actually gave me a tip and told me i was doing great and the other one was like ‘im so sorry this is happening to you, that guy is fucked up’. anyway, he passed out on k2 in his truck one night and got the cops called on him and got banned from the property :) i still saw him from time to time and he looked disgusting & miserable and it made me so happy.

mostly we just had grown ass employees, fucking 30 year olds, just acting like children. always on drugs. i had one coworker pretend to slap my ass and i called him out and he was like ‘it’s a joke im not apologizing’. people would try to take deliveries from me. AND LET ME JUST SAY, not even to fucking brag even slighly but i was the best worker there my entire time there bc regardless of where im working i am giving my 100% every day and no one else there would. but ppl always tried to step over me and did not respect me. we had one coworker who had 3 felonies and one day like 4-5 cops came to our store to tell us to call the cops the next time he showed up for work (surprise surprise he fled bc they took an hour to get to the store despite the fact we were literally like not even 4 blocks from the police station) and he was always high on k2. forever late. day after day no call no show. he had his friend get hired on who would go down to subway and talk shit about subway in his uniform??? lmao and subway called us one day and was like ‘can yall not?’ he also threatened to burn down the store and then my manager (who was always on a power trip if we’re being honest) purposefully withheld his paycheck to fuck with him, because he was fucking with her, so we dealt with him WAY longer than we should have?

then this one bitch that became manager, SOMEHOW, we were seriously always that desperate for staff and we hire anyone bc the managers are overworked af and just want to take the load off. anyway, SHE was always high on k2 as well. and she would always overshare rlly traumatic personal things from her life to me and all the customers and its like....girl we dont wanna hear that pls try and get some help. she was not currently being abused, i wanna specify. she was talking about things from her past. i sympathized with her but like im a victim of dv too lmao i dont wanna see your bruises without being asked first. and then i remember one day i left my money bag there (i kept my tips in it and had like $37 in there or something) and this bitch who was making MORE MONEY THAN ME seriously fucking went into the safe (we caught her on camera lmao) and stole that money out of my bag and left a few bills to make it seem less suspicious i guess??? lied about it to my face? then quit bc she ‘wasnt gonna sit there and be accused of something i didnt do’ like ok lmao

then to top it all off at one point my old manager just stopped giving a fuck and the store went to shit and we got complaint after complaint and she started being so rude to all of her staff, including myself (and we were like besties so i was devastated) and she cut my hours when she was submitting our work times for the checks because i would clock in early to help out....LIKE SHE ASKED? and it was just everything i said to her...her response was just the most rude and hateful voice and just....it was so rude. i cried every single day after work. she eventually got replaced and then quit

but then this new manager, whom i loved, was very depressed and just had a lot wrong with him mentally but he was still very....drama starting and attention seeking. he would talk about suicide nonstop 24/7 and not to be callous but it just made me so uncomfortable and triggered me so much? they did overwork him and i will attest and agree to that and he had a lot on his shoulders but he couldve gone to mcdonalds literally any day and gotten a job with better hours, better pay, and better benefits. i kept telling him over and over to leave bc he had so much managerial experience he couldve been hired anywhere! all resteraunts down here are perpetually hiring, especially for managers! i would know bc i was looking for another job lmao. but he’d text me every night saying things like ‘well lets hope i drink myself to death’ ‘suicide is painless’ etc. and it was just......VERY uncomfortable for me, as someone who has attempted suicide and still struggles with ideation from time to time lmao it was just the most triggering environment ever

like idk how i lasted that long but i worked my ass off, saved up my money, have a good paying job and im trying my best to forget this entire experience (honestly i did have some good times) but i really dont....think i can lmao

ON A POSTIVE NOTE: we had some of the kindest and most caring customers ive ever had in my life. i was shocked. but the amount of times i had a shitty customer in my entire time there i can count on one hand lmao like....even when they were shitty they were like ‘im sorry i know yall work hard and everything’ like i miss my customers SO MUCH because we actually had relationships with them and shit and ugh god. if the customers were shitty tho i would never have kept this job lmfao

i stayed at this job simply bc i made enough money for rent and my bills perfectly and it was one of the few jobs where i was paid an hourly wage + tips. and i wanted my next job to be a job in my field. that’s why i stuck around so long, it took some time to do that.

so yeah theres my mess i love anyone who read this and you can have my first born and be the beneficiary to my life insurance when i die

#tw: racism #tw: sexism #tw: suicide #tw: drugs #idk...what else to warn y'all about. just know this is a fucking #mess #i mean these arent horrific mentions of any of these things but i dont wanna trigger anyone unintentionally #better safe than sorry with tws

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