#like i the german dub he is not this creepy

[betweenblackberrybranches]

Does that mean that Eclipse is Mr.Krabs? Or even Patrick, who knows

No, sorry its howel pendragon😔 the english version speciacally. Just as a refresher:

Also i am sorry but the english voice for howel is just wrong for him. In the german dub he sounds way younger and nicer i do not like the, dunno seducy kind of tone your english howl has but it fits for this eclipse

#i ramble #do not start me on the rant do not #i will talk for hours about the english versus german dubs of ghibli movies #why did they make him sound so old #and when he says good girl in the balcony scene it makes me want to run #*thats my girl #like i the german dub he is not this creepy #he is just like #yea you can do it :) #you know? #anyways yea

[gremlingottoosilly]

Bouquet of (lego)Wildflowers(Loser!Yan!Konig x fem!Reader)

After you fell into somewhat of a routine in your captivity, Konig decided to bring you something nice to sweeten the pill. One time when he didn't got it right, and the second time where he got everything just where he wanted.

Details count: 3356 AO3 TW and Tags: Dub-con/Non-con, age gap, size difference, kidnapping, awkward colonel Konig, nerd Konig, hurt/comfort, Konig's POV(mostly), awkward German, yandere Konig, dry humping.

Courting a woman is hard and meticulous process. 

First, you have to acquire a woman – preferably from a space that she goes to often, so you can immediately dissect whether she is right for you or not. Don’t go for a party girl if you can barely move in a dance and your liver isn’t the one of college athletes. Don’t go for a bookworm if you want your future wife(and this is also an important step, don’t be mistaken) to be able to put you in your place and then drink half a bottle of vodka. After you decide that the woman is, for sure, your type and you would be able to live with her for the foreseeable future, you need to step in for courting. And if you’re the type to zoom out during a conversation and stare at her hair(at least not her breasts, you’re already doing so good, you can have a cookie and a few war crimes for free), then your chances to court her properly are already slim. You’d be lucky if she wouldn’t call security to escort you out of the fine establishment you met her in. Even acquiring a name would be hopeless in this situation. 

So, what are the next steps in getting a woman if you’re a 6’10 Austrian mercenary(a colonel at that) with almost 0 social skills besides yelling at recruits and taunting his enemies, and your callsign is also literally König, to make matters worse? You kidnap a woman, of course. 

The problem is – König has done all of that. You and he obviously have the same interests, you are definitely his type, and there is no barriers between the two of you – you are literally sitting in his basement. Yet, he can’t quite seem to capture your heart. Your body didn’t stand an issue – if he wanted to, he’d fuck you every night and turn you into his personal fucktoy, all adorable and helpless…but he doesn’t want this. Not right now. Well, he probably does want to fuck you in every possible position, but he can wait. Can try to wait, at least. God, you deserve all the waiting. 

He tried to bring you food. Nice food, fancy food. Sweets. 

*** — What is this? You sit on the small mat in the basement – König promised he’d bring you a proper bed, but then he started to think that you’d get scared about staying in the basement for so long instead of wanting to get out and sleep in a nice bedroom, so he eventually decided to just let you sleep on a mat. Your knees are curled to your chest and you look like the prettiest thing out there. He doesn’t want to scare you, but it takes everything in him to not just scoop you in his arms like an unruly cat. He doesn’t want to be creepy, but, he is already keeping a captive younger woman in the basement of his house. It’s hard not to be creepy in a situation like this, right? He doesn’t want to, but…a lot of things are out of control right now. Well, not you – you’re in his control. Under it, so to say. Unfortunately, not under his body – not yet, at least, as much as he’d love to. König is trying to be patient, but then you tilt your head to the side and… She is so adorable, oh god, I can’t, Himmell, she is the prettiest, she is…He’d punch himself in the crotch just to get rid of the erection that is throbbing in his pants and threatening to erupt – but between staring at a cute girl tilting her head like a little bird, and punching himself in the balls König, surprisingly, would choose staring at a cute girl and suffering through his arousal. Silently. Really shocking decisions. 

— It’s a snack. For you. 

Yes, maybe, he went a little bit overboard. But he was just finishing shopping for his newest favorite thing in the world(you) with all the things that a girl living with you might need – pads, tampons, three extra sets of everything because he got too flustered to ask the assistants for advice, so he just grabbed everything that looked like it could stop bullet wound bleeding, and went for it. Also some clothes – he loved to see you naked, but a cute girl should wear cute clothes and, well, he kinda failed with getting you these ones – and pillows. Women love pillows, as he got from the social media some of his younger colleagues forced him to install. 

Yes, maybe, König went a bit overboard for a kidnapper – but honestly, would you prefer him to just fuck you over and over? At least he is buying you deserts, at least he has enough to cover your needs, at least he is trying. You definitely should kiss him for this. It would totally be a normal behavior, of course, and obviously. — For me? 

König thinks – you’re just as adorable as you are dumb. He wouldn’t have you any other way. 

— For you. 

— A snack? 

It was exactly 4 boxes filled with cupcakes, little hand-made chocolate candies, and some weird, hipster-styled cookies without flour, sugar, and happiness – but he doesn’t know your favorite type of desert because, apparently, kidnapped girlfriends don’t come with a hand guide on how to feed them, and you already refused almost half of your meals until you finally succumbed to reality and started eating again. He wants you to be happy – not too happy that you’d start questioning him as your boyfriend, but at least happy enough to not be depressed that he forced you into the life of solitude. Which you, judging by the numbers on your bank account(he went through your phone, of course, saved every picture that could be used to jerk off and then smashed the sim cart so you couldn’t be found), could really prefer. He was doing you a service, really. At least now you can help him build Legos instead of just selling those. 

— Stop this. 

— Stop what? You tilt your head to the side, again, like an adorable bird that flew into the window of his car and got crushed because birds are, in fact, stupid and can’t see the glass. You don’t look too smart either – not with your escape attempts that consist of pleading with him to let you go, the action that only got his pants tighter and didn’t fill him with the desire to let you go. — You just repeating my words. You should eat. 

You stare at the various deserts in front of you, looking like you don’t believe in his endless kindness and generosity. He understands you – he wouldn’t believe it either. He just wants for you to stop looking like a sad kitten that got splashed with water because you look to damn adorable like this. Too fucking precious. A man can’t even live with a captive girlfriend nowadays, she just has to be the most beautiful thing on earth and he is going to act like a peasant who shouldn’t even bother to bask in her presence. God, he is awful. And perverted. And a damn dog who, for sure, doesn’t deserve you. 

— I don’t really want to…

— I brought you sweets. You don’t want it, Schatzen? You move your head from side to side, indicating that, well, you’re a spoiled little brat who has to get her butt spanked because why in hell would you be against him bringing you something nice? Women love deserts, right? Right?! — I…I appreciate it. But you, um…forgot to bring me normal food for the second day already, so…

Oh. 

That’s right. 

Scheisse. 

*** Bringing you deserts didn’t work out – he did bring you normal food after this, obviously, he is a kidnapper, not a monster, but the problem with your loyalty and your love for him was still standing hard, just like his cock. Every time you begged him to finally give up and let you go, he’d spend an hour in his bedroom, jerking off to the memories of your pleading face. Every time you behaved like a brat, demanding him to let you go, he would spend two hours. It’s a vicious cycle that you can’t escape. Don’t want to, probably. 

Bringing you fancy food didn’t work out – turns out, captive girlfriend needs to eat normal food too, just like all other humans, and so he went straight to the plan C. Plan L. Plan L would, hopefully, involve you getting a Plan B straight after. 

— What is this? 

He has the wildest feeling that he already lived through this situation. König thinks – hey, that’s weird, for some reason, you are behaving just like you did a week ago. So wild, that the girl you’re keeping in the basement isn’t prone to changing her behavior over short periods of time, right? He is petting your head again, making you squirm in his hold because of course you’re scared and nervous and just a bit dummy overall because hey, he wouldn’t hurt you, he promises! 

With every passing second, he felt more and more stupid. What a dumb fucking idea, honestly – he went to the shop(online one, of course, can’t be risky with falling in love with another cute cashier) and brought you…stuff. Cool stuff, he thought. Probably not cool enough for a girl like you thought – for a girl that always looked like she is too good for this shit, for his shit, the of girl that probably wouldn’t bully him in highschool, but would come dangerously close to the point of indifference to someone like him. 

With every passing second and your confused glare, he felt like just turning away and forgetting about everything that just happened. He already forgot to feed you on the previous week for a few days – he did apologize and he did bring you as much pizza and snacks and real salads (aka normal food that your empty stomach craved). He didn’t even force you to sit on his lap at that time! He is forcing you to do it now, trying to ease you into the feeling of his strong body around you. 

König strands you on his lap like you’re an unruly cat – he smiles when you try to get out and only whine in his hold. He is strong, stronger than you should have anticipated – he knows he is big, but a lot of people tend to underestimate their opponents. Especially when said people don’t have a lot of experience in battle – König knows that he can defeat you with just one hand. He also knows that you don’t know this. Good for him, he supposes. You feel his erection throbbing in his pants, every time you jerk to try and get out of his hold, he only gets harder. You’re prone to notice that eventually, even that dumb little head of yours should be filled with something – but it’s almost like you’re teasing him, dragging your butt back and forth, over and over, like there is nothing else for you to do. He probably can get off just from the feeling of your flesh over his – he loves every second of it, knowing just how much you hate being here. You will learn, eventually. He is hugging you firmly, a hand over your waist – while the other is holding the box he brought to you. One of many boxes, actually – but he thought that maybe, since you act so sheepish around him, you could be the type of girl that only respects certain lego sets. So, he went out of his way(actually, not, since everything was delivered to his doorstep in like two days) to order you all possible lego flowers. You should like it. You have to like it. 

— It’s a flower. 

— A…lego flower? 

He gently pushes his head down, kissing you carefully. Nuzzling his face in the crook of your neck like an overgrown cat – you swear you can hear him purr and it only makes you whimper more and more. It’s impossible, with him – you don’t want him next to you and yet, the only thing you can do is bite down on your sobs and carefully open one of the boxes. It’s pretty, really – and working at Lego store for so long, you know exactly how expensive this shit is. 

You don’t want anything to do with it. 

— I thought a normal bouquet would be too boring. 

You’d love for him to serve you a bouquet of flowers with a tiny bit of keys from the basement as a special sprinkle. Knowing him, however, you will just get his dick with a bit of assault on top of it. It’s a miracle he didn’t try to shove his dick inside of you on day one. 

You feel his cock throbbing against your naked ass. 

Well, all miracles can’t last forever. A shame – you’d convert to christianity if a god would be arsed to protect you from the devil’s dick. 

— I…I would have liked flowers. 

You don’t even know if you’re lying or no. Flowers would be nice – anything to distract you from the psycho who has locked you up in his basement. Anything to distract you from the basement itself. A bit of color would make you feel less like a sad beige baby and more like a sad beige adult. Or a regular office worker. 

— Okay. I will…will bring you flowers next time. 

You tilt your head to the side, obviously not quite believing him. Honestly, König is quite frustrated with your attitude. While yes, he did forget to feed you quite a few times, was also caught jerking off to your sleeping form on more than one occasion, and also forced you to listen to his rants about Austrian gun laws(this is how you found out you were in Austria, somewhere not far from the border), he was still a good owner. He brings you things, he brings you clothes – his ones, but you must admit that you look freaking adorable in his shirts. You should be a bit more grateful than this. 

You move your butt again, your precious pussy just mere centimeters away from his cock – he swears to god you are heated from the interaction, and your puffy lower lips are leaking something on the rough material of his pants. You don’t want to arouse him, it’s only obvious, but you’re still moving your soft hips around and he is still a man who can get just listening to your voice talking about the total and whether he has a card or not. He is a pervert and you’re weak enough to not be able to escape from his lap. Experimentally, he rocked his hips back and forth, his cock pressing on your cheeks once again. Oh, he quite liked that. He and his dick both, that is. You wouldn’t be too bothered if he weren’t entering you, right? He can save the meetup for later. — Play with the set for now, ja? You fulp, your fingers shaking as you slowly open the box. It’s wildflowers – cute, really. You like it, if he isn’t mistaking the dull gleam in your eyes for something else. maybe, you’re thinking you can attack him with some of the sets – maybe, you’re planning to toss them across the room and turn the whole basement into a minefield. He wouldn’t lie, stepping on lego is still somehow worse than getting shot – but you shouldn’t know this. You’re a pretty, domesticated civilian, and he wants to keep you with him for as long as possible. You read the instruction carefully as he proceed to hammer his cock into the softness of your body, your cunt only protected by his jeans. It’s painful, to have his cockhead slam against the zip every time he tried to hammer it into your pussy – but there is a lesson in masochism around here, somewhere, and König never said he wasn’t affected by a mix of school bullying and mommy issues. There is something freeing in pain, with every pathetic whimper he lets go of – with every sound that only a loser like him would make. 

He’d thought you were above it, above everything – but every time he rocks his hips, he can feel you getting wetter, the uneven tent in his crotch slamming against your clit. You want to release just as much as he does – even if you’re trying to cover it by building the set he bought for you. König thinks – if he could do this with you each time, he would buy the whole fucking shop, even the Minecraft ones. König wonders what would it take for you to suck his cock while he is finishing building the other sets he bought. 

— D…do you know that… He takes his time to breathe, each word ending with a shallow breath and a low whistle as he proceeds to use your hips for his pleasure – as he finally unzips his pants and his cock almost sprawling free, leaking precum on his boxers. You whimper when you feel the heat much closer to your naked pussy, but König simply bites your neck again, whispering the words into the mark blossoming on your soft skin. 

— First products from Lego were actually wo…Scheiise, you’re so fucking hot – wooden toys. You don’t understand how, but your pussy is getting wetter when you hear that eagerness in his voice. The desire to share this fact with you – this guy might be a crazy kidnapper, but you feel so much of a cute loser energy from him, you almost don’t want to stab him with a flower you’re making. You probably won’t. It’s best to keep him sated and calm, so he won’t force anything too much on you. 

You ignore the throbbing in your pussy that intensifies each time he presses on your clit. 

— Really? 

— They didn’t got into making plastic cubes until after World War Two. They first made trucks that could be assembled and taken by pieces, but then… You hate yourself for it, but you’re actually listening to him. He has a way with words that makes everything more interesting, and there is nothing better to do – you concentrate on the sound of his voice so you won’t have to listen to the wet sounds of your pussy squelching on his crotch. 

— They started to make…normal sets? 

You know this – you remember the story, really, all workers at Lego had to know the history in case some adorable child would ask them. It’s almost cute, how König deliberately mansplains everything to you – you can fall into a steady rhythm of listening to his voice, while failing to notice that you started to move your butt on your own. Spreading your wetness across his boxers, feeling like a slut who is getting off her kidnapper touching her…seriously, this is so fucked up. You should be ashamed of yourself, but you just now and push your head back, against his chest. He would probably let you go for a while after this. He is always embarrassed after jerking off at your body. 

— Ja. They even copyrighted the sound of blocks clicking together. You knew this was a thing, Schatzen? That everything clicks together with a certain detail? 

— Yeah. They, um…taught us this in the first week. 

— Oh. 

He goes quiet for a few minutes, only the sounds of his ragged breath and the squeals of your pussy remaining in the room. You whimper when he drags you a bit harsher when he bites you in the shoulder with a low groan. You feel the added wetness on your pussy lips and you recognize that he came – in his boxers, you’d say like a loser, but, then again, you came too. He drags you to the mattress after, hugging you softly. Hand against your stomach again, the combined wetness of you and him made your face scrunch in discomfort.

You’re certainly a pair of losers. Match made in heaven. 

#cod #konig x reader #konig #yandere konig #cod x reader #yandere cod #call of duty #cod x you #konig cod #konig x you #cod konig #lego #yandere imagines #yandere male #yandere #male yandere #cod imagine

[ilovetoxicfictionalmen]

"MAYBE WE COULD HAVE DINNER"

Pairing - Lenny Miller x fem!reader

Summary - With your cooperation being over, it's time for that dinner date Lenny promised.

Warnings - semi-public sex, fingering, voyeurism, dub con, controlling.

Word count - 2.3k+

“Maybe we could have dinner”

As if that would be an option. CIA agent Lenoard ‘Lenny’ Miller was a man that always got his way. He always got what he wanted, and he wanted you. Lenny was pleased to discover you when you became a prime suspect for the assassination of a German politician. He became eager to have you in the palm of his hand. And it was easy catching leverage on you. You didn’t want this life, you wanted a normal life. And you were almost free of it. Now you just fell from one pair of hands to another. Lenny was a nice handler to you however. He gave you the resources you needed and didn’t put all that pressure on you. The only issue was that he was possessive over you, he had to know what you were doing at all times. You thought it was bullshit that you had to stay in the same lodging or connecting hotel rooms as you. “I just want to look after you” he claimed. 

There was a lot of tension between you two. He watched you as if he was eye fucking you. Lenny’s thumb would brush over his lips a lot when you gave him reports. Don’t mention how he was always checking you out, sometimes he would even touch you ‘harmlessly’. To fix up your shirt or to get past you it would seem to the blind eye. It was nothing you weren’t used to. Just all a part of the job, you would tell yourself. It surprised you with how he just didn’t take you, claim you, fuck you. He was professional though, he wanted the work done first. Business before pleasure after all. 

But business is over now and Lenny didn’t hesitate to jump straight into pleasure. 

The choice of restaurant was exactly how you expected it. A five star restaurant in a high rise building. A small orchestra performing classical music by the over the top water fountain. There was no coincidence that your reservation was an isolated, dimly lit booth. Just your luck. You hoped Lenny was a respectable man. 

You were wearing a strapless black sequin mini dress, accompanied by black heels. A couple of silver rings on your fingers, Finished off with a matching set of silver threader earrings and lariat necklace. He brought you the whole outfit. With the excuse that tonight was a special occasion and he thought it would look beautiful on you. He wore a typical black and white suit, hair styled the same. It looked good on him, obviously. 

Lenny loved to ramble on. Gloating on all of his accomplishments over the years. The way he talked was seductive however but you refused to fall for his act. Half of his stories fell deaf onto your ears throughout the expensive and exquisite courses of foods you’ve never even heard of before. You would merely chuckle at a random sentence and have another sip of champagne. 

“Anyways, that’s enough about me. Tell me more about you” 

You knew he just wanted to fuck you. But it would just make him look sweeter this way. Taking you out for a fancy dinner, asking you about your hobbies and dreams. He was extremely charming nevertheless. Too charming to be a CIA agent, that’s for sure. But he was a bit too old for your style, it intimidated you a lot. You were used to guys your age, but you hardly got around to fucking people anyways. Only a couple of guys over the years, you like to think that you put your line of work first and you were always working. The only older guys you would flirt with on assignments were creepy perverts. Luckily you never had to go to the extent of fucking. 

The expensive champagne made his voice seem like it would taste like sugar and honey. He spoke in such confidence, the way the words would come off his lips so relaxed and calm. His eyes spoke louder than his words however. They were dripping with desire. He would be analysing your every move. How your chest would raise when he would ask you of your childhood or how relaxed you would become when he would make you laugh over something silly. His body language also said a lot. He was leaning closer to you, but kept a short respectable distance. 

The rim of the whisky glass rested at his lips as he watched you play with your food. You didn’t like to eat much, or you still didn’t feel comfortable around him. Lenny finished his whiskey and waved his hand to the waiter for another. The buzz of the champagne distracted you, when you looked back over to Lenny he slid down the booth right next to you. 

“By the way, I’m very proud of you” he said controlled, but his captivating blue eyes, they said a lot. “For your cooperation and excellent work. You helped me out a lot” he added, his left hand resting on your bare thigh and right hand wrapped around your back keeping you close. “I hope this dinner can show my gratitude” he whispered, his left hand trailing circles on your skin. You took in a sharp breath from his actions, feeling the goosebumps rapidly spreading. “Are you enjoying yourself? I figure you do this a lot, go to fancy dinners and drink overpriced champagne that always tastes the same. But I would like to think that our date is a bit different. This is pleasure, not business after all” he said with ease, his hand raising up your thigh. 

“Still feels like business to me” you scoffed, eyes darting around to see if anyone is watching, but you were in the clear. 

Lenny laughed quietly and leaned closer to your ear, his hand gripping onto your inner thigh. “You didn’t have to come if you didn’t want to” he snorted. 

Bullshit. You were still under his order. But then yet again, you didn’t turn down his offer of dinner. So you will never really know if there was a choice. His fingers rub against your covered pussy. You knew you were going to get fucked by him tonight, but you didn’t think it would make such a slutty move here. He was a CIA agent after all. Lenny lets out a distasteful sigh, he really hoped you went bare. You were grateful there was a long black table cloth covering this assault from the public eye. But everyone would be too focused on themselves to notice you anyways. 

It was hard, pretending that you didn’t enjoy his touch. But you still had a bit of dignity left. You took another sip of your champagne, his chin rested on your shoulder as he continued to stroke your core. Your skin quickly heated up and your thighs began to tremble. The waiter came back with a new glass of whiskey for Lenny. But he went unnoticed by Lenny, as he was occupied assaulting your bare neck. His jaw was clenched and eyes locked onto you, fucking perv. But he wouldn’t dare to say anything, this probably happened a lot around here. Lenny will just have to cough up a generous tip. 

“Would you like any desserts?” he asked finally, eyes stuck on you still. You kept your face pointed away, extremely embarrassed by the situation. 

Lenny sat up straight and sighed, his arms returning to his sides in the process. “Darling?” he asked you innocently, looking at you. 

“No thank you” you mumbled, just wanting the waiter to fuck off. He’s probably resisting not rubbing himself off. 

“Just the bill please” Lenny grinned. 

When the waiter left, Lenny returned to his previous position. He kissed your neck and jaw. A soft whimpering moan left your lips as he stroked your sweet spot. He chuckled by your ear, a finger slipped past your thong and right into your canal. Your cheeks were so flustered, you were grateful for the dim lighting. The last thing you needed was Lenny to see how overwhelmed he had gotten you. But he already knew that, as he could feel the heat on your cheeks and how you were shaking down there. You shuddered when his free hand grabbed the side of your face to bring you in closer. 

“Are you not enjoying this?” he asked, offended by your response. You didn’t reply. “If you want me to stop, you just have to ask” he teased. 

There were no tricks. All you had to do was say “stop”, so why couldn’t you? It had been a while, feeling a man's touch. And you would be lying if you told him that you weren’t enjoying it. And you would be lying even more if you didn’t develop an eccentric ‘little’ crush on him. Even though Lenoard Miller was an manipulative, arrogant asshole who blackmailed you into working for him, he was fucking gorgeous. He had the most mesmerising side profile you have ever seen. You’ve never been with someone this older than you however. It would be daunting knowing how extremely experienced he was. You don’t want to embarrass yourself in front of him, how could you look at him the same way?     

“You don’t want me to stop, do you?” he laughed, a second finger pumping inside of you now. 

You didn’t. 

“You like this mhm? My fingers deep inside of you while we are at a fucking restaurant? I knew you’d be a dirty little whore. Female killers always are, craving a powerful man’s dick so fucking bad. You type of girls always just need someone to show your place. And you belong under me. You got that?” he growled, holding your face close to him while his fingers were still deep inside of you. 

“Y-yes sir” you whimpered, a heavy gulp followed. 

It was crazy how accurate he was. You did crave that, despite how much you ignored those feelings and thoughts, to be underneath someone. You liked being controlled, you liked not having the options of choices in your life. It was all you had ever known after all. It was all a pretence, a strong independent woman who could always defend herself. You didn’t want that life, it was so exhausting. This is common though, all female assassins have major daddy issues. 

You both heard the waiter cough to get someone’s attention. Lenny grumbled, his clean hand slipped into jacket pocket and he threw his wallet towards the waiter. Moans started to viciously leave your lips as his fingers pumped in and out of you faster. Your head fell onto his shoulder, one hand holding onto his opposite shoulder around his back and the other hand gripped onto his upper arm. Lenny laughed and leaned you both back in the booth seat. 

“Come on, don’t be greedy. Give me a rub sweetheart” he sneered, nuzzling your forehead.

Your hand hesitantly fell from his arm to his crotch. It was shocking how thick he felt. It seemed to be as hard as cement somehow. Your palm rubbed him through his trousers. A groan slipped from his lips and he kissed you intensely. His tongue slipped down your throat before you could even fight his tongue off. You moaned into his hot mouth, his fingers travelling deeper inside of you. Your hand gripped onto the outline of his cock, kneading him in unison of his pumps. 

You tightened around his fingers. Lenny knew you were about to fucking orgasm. He slid in four fingers, you almost screamed. Your mouths separated, both panting. “Does my baby need to come?” he teased, pace slowly down. 

“Ye-yes, please Lenny. Please!” you begged, kissing his neck desperately. Your hand tried to slip into his trousers but the belt obstructed the access and you were too frustrated to undo it. Lenny chuckled, slowly picking up his pace again. 

“Who do you belong to?” he asked blankly, staring at you with dark eyes. 

“You, I-I belong to you” you cried, your hips rocking on his fingers since he wasn’t doing good enough for you at the moment. 

“Such a needy little slut” he grinned as he returned to give you the satisfaction you desired. The satisfaction you needed. “You ready? To come all over my hand?” he smirked, all four fingers deep inside of you. His knuckles started to slip inside of you as well, his thumb rubbing your clit perfectly. You clenched around his hand, you were a whimpering mess. “Kiss me, I would hate for you to get everyone’s attention from screaming”.

You did as he said. It was good advice, because he hit your sensitive spot right after. You moaned into his mouth again. Greedily, you stopped touching him as you were completely focused on yourself. 

You were breathless as you were coming undone your handler’s hands. Your face fell forward, biting onto Lenny’s shoulder as your cries muffled out against Lenny’s shirt. He hissed, but he was grinning at the same time. You humped onto his hand, riding out your climax to its full extent. As you finished on him, your body went limp onto him. He was so fucking intoxicating.  

His soaked hand slipped out of you. Looking at his sticky fingers briefly, he sucked them clean, moaning in the process. You held onto his body tightly, panting like you had just run a marathon. Lenny planted a soft kiss to your heated forehead as he picked up his whiskey. He noticed the bill and his wallet back on the table and smirked to himself. He downed his whisky in one hit. 

“Come on, I’m not done with you yet” he whispered into your ear, you nodded your head softly realising that your night is far from over.

#cillian murphy x reader #cillian murphy #lenny miller #anna 2019 #dub con #cillian x y/n #lenny miller x reader #cillian x fem!reader

[four-bastard-bustle]

Pinned post boop beep

Hey hi and hello, y'all can call me Nate. I'm 22 i use he/him and she/her pronouns and I have a deep love for overanalysing this stupid stupid STUPID webtoon

I've been into eddsworld since I was a wee child of 10 or so watching german dubs of the 2007 halloween special over and over again. Though I've only been part of and contributing to the fandom since roughly 2014 (saying roughly cause that started on deviantart and google+ so does that Really count?) Being active in the fandom between 2015 and 2017 made me grow up to be one of the least mentally stable fans of this show and this blog is a giant cry for help 👍

I'm a professional legacy hater and beyond apologist. Obviously legacy is objectively better than beyond but beyond Matt is more of a cunt, like in older eddisodes, and that unironically matters more to me than the actual quality

I've got a headcanon AU that the large majority of my posts are about. It recently got hard rebooted it so a lot of older posts aren't accurate anymore so watch out if you go digging through this blog. The blog essentials tag should give you a good idea of what the HC AU is like currently

Come talk to me, i am crushingly lonely. Come yell at me, i unironically appreciate criticism a lot since I autistically struggle a lot with telling when something goes too far. Come make art requests, i might do them. Ask box is open to all just don't be creepy or try being overly familiar when we don't know each other

#Common tags for easy access -> #nae art #talkin #blog essentials #bastard related inquiries

[hingabee]

yeah okay u got me there abt the kira odo thing. Can i ask why u like the pairing? I am curious:o

first off i think the characters have great chemistry (tbf julian has very good chemistry with most characters which makes him fun to ship in general) and also the way they both grow over the seasons really works well in combination. at their first meeting and early episodes kira clearly doesnt respect julian at all and outright dislikes him whereas he is likely a little terrified of her but still acts cocky to cope (rip) and unrelated to a romantic shipping aspect. the way their dynamic evolves is just interesting. i think especially with the ending of the series leaving basically only kira and julian as OG senior staff on ds9 (sorry ezr ily) is something you can work with.

also my opinion on kira/odo is that its cute in concept but the canon execution was so. Bad. not bc its "creepy" or straight or whatever but bc i think it detracts from odos own character and development so much. he basically turns into a kira simp and it overshadows most of his late season arcs. kira works much better independently in those seasons.

my joke abt kirashir being "better" (im a dirty multishipper i rly have no strong dislikes for 99% of ships haha) is mostly based on the fact that i think julian and kira wouldve made more sense together without having it take away from their individual characters. if that makes sense?

also yes i ship kirashir bc i watched fascination at age 10 in the german dub and it was an eye opening moment for me 😂 i like that he comforts her after bareil and ghemors death and yet still yells at her when shes refusing to see the dying ghemor too. they are messy but fun

#kira is weird bc her chemistry with other characters goes on and off sometimes #she has good chem with julian and miles and dukat. quark and sisko to a lesser extent but these two are also rly good at chemistry #(idk how else to put it) #kiras chemistry w ziyal and jadzia is also on and off #arguably her best chemistry with another female character is cretak and winn #which are both CHOICE ship as well #OH AND THAT RANDOM BASEBALL VULCAN

[koschei-the-ginger]

Finally posting my thoughts on Cary Elwes' films between 1979-2004

Yesterday's hero (1979) - he's an extra somewhere in this shot, I guess lol

Another Country - he was so awkward lol but this movie was overall great.

Oxford Blues (1984) - I couldn't stand watching 80s Rob Lowe in a sports drama so I only skimmed through this one. His character was posh and obnoxious™

The Bride (1985) - this was so bad, I only skimmed through it and I still cringed all the time.

Lady Jane (1986) - the first movie I watched for this post, I ended up staying up until 4 am on a work day and I have to say, he simply looks too catholic to be in this movie, I am sorry, that's all I could think about... And for a movie about two 15 year kids it featured a lot of extremely uncomfortable scenes of them naked

The Princess Bride (1987) - listen, I totally get the hype but I watched it for the first time as an adult only bc it was famous on tumblr so I just can't feel about it the way others do

Maschenka (1987) - I looked so hard for this movie and only found in it Russian dub, which was voiced over the german dub and I'm not that desperate yet... I don't think I missed anything important.

Never on a Tuesday (1989) - another movie I just skimmed to see his 2-minute part, the plot was about some guys trying to hook up with a hot lesbian or something. Charlie Sheen appeared too for about 30 seconds

Glory (1989) -this should not be a movie about Matthew Broderick....

Days of Thunder (1990) - Tom Cruise snoozefest but he's really good at being blond and annoying™

Hot Shots! (1991) - the sequel is way better

Leather jackets (1991) - miscast in a terrible movie again

Bram Stoker's Dracula (1992) - finally something interesting!

Robin Hood: Men in Tights (1993) - I imagine this is how other people feel about the Princess Bride, this is the movie of my childhood. Looking at it now, there are some problematic jokes but it's still just so funny.

The Crush (1993) - why are there so many movies about grown ass men "being seduced" by literal children. I'm sure I've seen this movie as a kid, the way he punched her in the face in the end felt so familiar

1994-1999 - covered in a previous post

Cradle Will Rock (1999) - convoluted mess

Shadow of the Vampire (2000) - Willem Dafoe being creepy in an indie movie for 92 minutes, it's strange but it's not bad

The Cat's Meow (2001) - lame, messy, who asked for this? ...

Wish You Were Dead (2002) - When I tried watching it for the first time I had to turn it off after 3 minutes. Glad I gave it a second chance, it's a low-budget direct-to-video movie that's very silly and nobody is taking it seriously, Cary Elwes sounds like he forgot his inhaler, Elaine Hendrix is just there for the funsies and Mary Steensburgen is having the time of her life playing a small town gold digger.

Comic Book Villains (2002) - another low budget movie but if you like Natasha Lyonne you should definitely give it a go. I'm sure I've seen it before

Saw (2004) - I don't need to talk about Saw, that movie is the reason I'm doing all of this

Ella Enchanted (2004) - he's a bit too over the top tbh

American Crime (2004) - I get the impression that he's the only one who knew this movie is unwatchable so he just went and did... anything. He looks, sounds and behaves like a parody of David Attenborough.

#my own #cary elwes marathon #just some of my thoughts so that doing this wouldn't feel like a complete waste of time

[darlenicy]

Right now I'm watching the second movie and I totally forgot what it was about and these are my thoughts on it.

(Watching the german dub just in case you wonder why I keep complaining about the voice actors)

I remember that the believix song wasn't dubbed into German for the movie, so I'm a bit surprised that they covered the main title song.

Unica was way catchier tho

They pronounce Magix as very German ma-giks...Why suddenly?? who did the dubbing who was responsible for this

Why does this reporter even know the relationship status of the Winx? isn't that a bit creepy? Magix TV is pretty much the gossip channel in the magic dimension, isn't it

This reporter is Rita Sceeter in disguise I swear

Why are these young fairies screaming at the frogs like why would you scream at them they are adorable. Are really all fairies afraid of frogs??

I'm disappointed, only Icy got her normal voice. And with normal I mean the one from season 2 and 3

I stan their little transformation. It gives me winx s1 computer game vibes. #givesthetrixatransformationscene

No fan of post s3 but beliviex is a catchy song

Ok I know layla got this weird morphix powers and says probably "morphix bubbles" in the original. But see, in the German translation she says Morphix Blasen and you know blasen as a nomen means bubbles, yes, but as an adjective it means ...blowing. And Layla got that gummy morphix powers so - yeah long story short it sounds like a spell for comdoms lol

And Griffin and Faragonda are chilling their lives while the whole school is fighting. What a mood

Actually I tend to be pissed when they get new voice actors for certain characters but I have to say that in case of Darcy in this, I don't even mind her having Diaspro's voice (even though Darcy is the only member of the Trix who has constantly the same voice in German during all seasons, the movies are whyever the only exception) - which is btw the voice of Kim Possible in Germany ...which is kind of weird but the voice sounds very alike to our Darcy's normal voice, so it's ok and she really does a great job

In Blooms case on the other hand I'd be glad if she had another voice like in movie #1 and not her usual annoying squeaking

When did Bloom ever get any riding lessons? Oh right she didn't. And then..why is she not even wearing a helmet. That is def no good role model for little children. on the other hand her head is so empty that it would not even matter if she fell

The songs are actually very beautiful and I really wish they had dubbed them too. "Forever lalala forgot the lyrics already again.."🎶 (note: that was the only song I actually liked lol)

17:00 not oritel and marion being creeps stalking their daughter and her boyfriend lmao

Didn't they already propose at the end of the last movie??

Even the ancestral witches having their original voices but not stormy and darcy lmao

Skys dad is cursed? And he tells that randomly? Oh son, have a cup of tea and enjoy my tragic story that was only invented for this movie

Gossip TV knows of Bloom's proposal BEFORE her friends know? Rita Sceeter confirmed

Revise my opinion on oritel. He's a jerk

EVEN DIGIT HAS HER NORMAL VOICE

The Winx suddenly have this connection with the pixies again and after this movie they are completely forgotten. forever

Aww bb Darcy is afraid of the tree

If that tree was such an important thing for the magic Dimension, then why did nobody EVERRR came up with the idea of destroying it.. not even valtor?

Nullnummern? (Idk what Stella says in english to the trix,maybe losers or something?) Is that the one fairy speaking, who has the smallest brain of them all? 😂

How can Oritel and Marion teleport when all positive magic is gone?

Isn't Bloom canonically 19 already? I mean with simple math she is

I love how Mike and Vanessa still got a VHS Player

Still no fan of Nabu. Tbh Layla simply doesn't need a man

Of course the ship is pink

Tecna: I'm a usless fairy. - Finally you got it.

Still love her lol

Actually Sky's dad really had no big choice. I mean, if you have to chose between your planet being destroyed or another planet being destroyed...you obviously don't chose your own planet. And he's sorry so whatever (note: Oritel says this later too)

What I really like about Winx Club is the sassy dialogues in the fight scenes

I miss the good old times where the trix were dramatically overpowered

Horsey turning into a glittering pegasus is the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen and I say that as a horse owner.

Necromancy to reanimate Skys dad? Seriously if the witches had done this it would have been bad but if the Winx do it, it's really good ofc

It's over. And I'm not sad.

I still have a soft spot for the first movie. This one just didn't have the Winx vibes of the early seasons wish I loved so much as a child and which was such an important part of my childhood. Oh and the story sucked so much like lmao someone was out of ideas how did they even produce more seasons with this lack of creativity?

#winx club #winx #winx club movie #winx club the magic adventure #winx club magical Adventure

[biuebeardsbride]

can’t stop thinking about the blue flower by penelope fitzgerald, which is a book that everyone should give a go because it’s the loveliest book about love around. it’s about the german romantic poet novelis (dubbed fitz) falling in love with this 12-year-old girl called sophie. it’s somehow not strange or creepy, i can’t explain to you, but it isn’t! it’s filled with these short little snippets into 18th-century life in germany and filled with descriptions of salt mine practices, and a party and fancy dinners. all i can say is that it’s one of those books that manages to capture the magic and mystery of love. that you can see someone, and they can move you so completely. no one, and i mean absolutely no one, can understand why he’s so infatuated with her, and the reader doesn’t get a unique perspective into it either. sophie’s brother comes to investigate, in fact, and is like why do you like her? she’s not intelligent at all, and fitz, in response, is like I’m not vain enough to be moved by her beauty, to which her brother says, she’s ugly too. which is a laugh out loud moment, but i think the thing i adore the most is just how uninterested this book is in explaining why he’s fallen in love with this silly, childish girl. he just has!!

and yes, it is very destiel-brained but mostly what i could think about is dean and cas. how instantaneous cas’ affection for dean is and yeah there are hiccups at the very beginning of their encounter, but it’s so obvious from early on that cas likes dean. how often dean is questioned about his loyalty towards cas/ the fact that a part of him still holds onto hope that cas will be on their side again and all he can really come up in response to that interrogation/ all he can use to explain is that it’s cas. i know this is largely accidental on the show’s part but i’ve always found it so beautiful in a lot of ways. in that, what we feel often resists vocalisation or explanation. cas is asked so often why he’s still loyal to the winchester’s and he never truly answers it cause we can never really know why someone cares about another. that’s the beauty of love and our relationships! all we can see are the ways someone is transformed and moved to changed because of it.

and like we get that within the confession scene. the closest we ever get to this attempt to vocalise why cas likes dean, why he loves him. this one last attempt say what’s never had to been said in the past. but more importantly we see the ways love has reoriented and moved these characters to change who they are (“i cared about the whole world because of you” / “that’s not who i am”)

#deancas #destiel #dean winchester #castiel #spn #i adore this book #could go on and on about this book #readings #*

[princesssarisa]

Snow White Winter: "Schneewittchen" (1971 Swiss/German short)

In Switzerland in 1971, German director Rudolf Jugert produced a series of live action German-language shorts based on the Grimms' fairy tales: Hansel and Gretel, King Thrushbeard, All-Kinds-of-Fur, The Goose Girl, The Peasant's Clever Daughter, Mother Holle, and the first entry in the series, Snow White.

This 19-minute short is basically a direct translation of the Grimm's tale to the screen. Its only omissions are the opening with Snow White's birth mother, the wicked Queen's eating of the boar's organs that she thinks are Snow White's, and the poisoned comb. Its only added scene comes at the beginning, when Snow White's father the King introduces his new wife to his daughter (whose existence he apparently hadn't mentioned to her before their wedding), and the Queen promptly feigns faintness and withdraws at the unnerving sight of Snow White's beauty. The only other notable change is that Snow White is a young woman from the start, not a child.

Otherwise, this is an extremely faithful Snow White, with most of the dialogue taken word-for-word from the Grimms' tale. The Queen tries to kill Snow White first with a suffocating bodice, then with a poisoned apple. The Prince doesn't appear until he finds Snow White lying in her glass coffin, but instantly (a little too instantly for the screen compared to the printed page) her beauty captivates him and he begs the seven dwarfs to give the coffin to him. The dwarfs bid a sad farewell to Snow White, and this is the last we see of them; they aren't present when, moments later, one of the Prince's servants stumbles while carrying the coffin and jars the piece of apple from Snow White's throat. This is also one of the very, very few adaptations of the tale to give the Queen the same horrific death the Grimms gave her. She's invited to the Prince and Snow White's wedding without being told the name of the bride, and when she arrives, the Prince forces her to dance in a pair of red-hot iron shoes until she falls down dead.

Still, just because this is an especially faithful and straightforward version doesn't mean it lacks creativity. While the production's general look and feel is similar to the 1955 and 1961 German film versions, the handsome costumes set the story in the 18th century, making this one of the few screen versions to clearly take place in a post-medieval era. Meanwhile, the Queen's chant of "Mirror, Mirror on the wall..." is always sung, not spoken, and the mirror sings its replies in an operatic baritone voice. (In addition to these snippets of song, the dwarfs also sing a marching song, as in so many other versions.) The dwarfs are played by children, but with their faces covered in prosthetics to make them look like little old men and with funny voices to make them sound gnome-like; the effect falls somewhere in between charming and creepy, though charm was the obvious intent. Snow White's glass coffin has a unique pyramidal design, and is inscribed with the words "Here rests Snow White: She had to die because she was too beautiful." And the very choice to kill the Queen with hot iron shoes is a creative choice, despite coming straight from the Grimms' tale, because so few adaptations do it. While the scene isn't especially convincing visually, a fitting sense of terror is still evoked by the swirling camerawork that mirrors the screaming Queen's enforced dance.

Like the Grimms' tale, this Snow White is dominated by the Queen, and Austrian actress Herta Kravina plays her jealous rage and madness to the hilt, although in her glaring copper red wig, whether or not she looks like the second greatest beauty in the land is debatable. Her rich alto singing voice is also an advantage for her sung requests to the magic mirror. (After watching this, I learned that in 1956 she voiced the singing dog Peg in the original German dub of Disney's Lady and the Tramp.) Meanwhile, 16-year-old Maresa Hörbiger is an effective Snow White and the rest of the cast members fill their roles well all around.

Is this short an essential Snow White? No. But it's still definitely worth watching, especially if you want to see a screen translation of the Grimm's tale that's far more faithful than most.

@superkingofpriderock, @ariel-seagull-wings

#snow white #fairy tale #snow white winter #schneewittchen #1971 #switzerland #live action #short

[one-piece-dumpster-fire]

Okay so episode 801 and 802 of the german dub happened, but I honestly don't have much to say about them since Cracker has like,,, 4 lines in there???? So yeah sorry for not giving the usual rants XDDD But trust, it's still bad y'all😂

HOWEVER today my fave Cracker episode is gonna air, the one where he messes around with Nami and goes all sexy creepy bastard😏🙏🏻 (at least in the original dub he does... we gotta see what'll happen in good ol'german). I'm hyped as well as terrified of that! Wish I could record myself so y'all can hear me scream fwgehrjej2kk

#michelle talks shit #not one piece #i was bored today and decided to mess around lmao

[into-september]

Since most of this blog is Miraculous-related these days, I’ll just note that I use spoiler tags and that I’ll be blocking them myself at least until Saturday rolls around because I have a commitment to the German dub and a small hope that it’ll make it online. (that commitment is that it’s the one available in single-volume all-season DVD boxes and I have very little faith in the reliability of streaming services and won’t pay the mouse more than my included-in-the-rent cable service for DC. It’s also got the best Plagg)

Ship-related S4 commentary under cut. 

I pretty much assumed that the entire Luka thing would be something happening in the early episodes and then something would happen and it’d end and we’d be back to our scheduled “watch Marinette be a kickass superheroine and a disaster child, now also with plot allegedly” for the rest of it. But it being the very first episode will mean one of two things: 

They’ll end our misery quickly and instead spend the time on quality content like Kagami, while Luka will go back to his scheduled 1,5 episode appearance rate per season

This is going to be a recurring issue for a while and possibly be what finally makes Marinette move on to Cat Noir because he IS the only boy who’d understand

I obviously wish for the first one, because ye gods do I loathe dragged-out dating drama. Particularly in this case, where the question isn’t even “will they sort it out”, but “how long will it even last”. And if there’s going to be a continued storyline about him knowing that Marinette is lying get out of meeting him AND their previous story up to and including the NYC special, then that’s just... sad, and kind of creepy. Mate, when a girl has spent 90% of your shared screentime talking about the boy who you’ve already witnessed her confessing to, maybe now is not the time to be pushing.

#miraculous ladybug #ml spoilers #mlb s4 #mlb spoilers #blah #dubbing

[codevassie]

Remus’ Book Haul  💚

Dorothy Must Die by Danielle Paige

The Wizard of Oz is known for its magical lands, and Dorothy is the archetype of the innocent, pure-hearted heroine. However, in this novel, set years after Dorothy’s original escapade through Oz, she is now the villain. Oz is dangerous and creepy and sort of scary. I think Remus would really like the twist on a lovely classic into something dark and frightening. This story subverts the “innocence” depicted in the original through this darker atmosphere, as well as turning Dorothy into a tyrant and sexualized figure (as sexuality is typically seen as the inverse of innocence, but that’s a discussion for another day). The main character, furthermore, is less an ideal, as Dorothy embodied in the original, and takes on a more human role. Amy has dealt with hardships such as bullying and abuse even before she’s sucked away by the tornado. She’s accompanied a punk goth munchkin, Indigo, and a rat, Star--Star possibly a subversion to typical heroine animal companions, such as Dorothy’s dog Toto. Without spoiling anything, I will say that this story is ruthless. It throws the reality of what is now Oz at you and does not wait for anything. Life is scary, and this story is ready to show it. Remus would definitely appreciate the honesty this story presents. 

Lord of the Flies by William Golding

If you don’t know anything about this book, I will sum it up in one sentence for you: school boys go insane when unsupervised. Honestly, that’s something most of us have observed first-hand, so what’s the big deal, right? There are a lot of deeper meanings to the book--meanings that I’m actually pretty interested in, and I think Remus would be too--but, at the core of it, Remus would mostly like reading the insanity of it all. While its commentary on law and civilization seems more up Janus ‘We Live In A Society’ Sanders’ alley, anarchy definitely seems up Remus’. What is life without those pesky restrictions to distract him? This book is said to be an allegory for the Bible and, while alluding to the Bible is not in short supply in media, it does remind me of Forbidden Fruit and the Creativity split coming largely from Thomas’ Catholic upbringing. Thus, the larger question brought on by this book seems pretty relevant to Remus: is humanity innately good or evil? Remus is dubbed the evil half. Everything he does is labeled so. But, as explored in DWIT, his thoughts do not necessarily make Thomas a bad person. The extreme split between good and evil in this book, thus, may be a point of interest in regards to the split of the twins. 

Grimm’s Complete Fairy Tales by the Brothers Grimm

While his brother is more a Disney guy, Remus would probably like the source material. In case you don’t know much about Grimm’s, it’s a volume of fairy tales that the brothers, Wilhelm and Jacob, collected and copied from oral tradition around the German area. This collection is where many Disney stories, and plenty of adaptations, originate from. However, these versions were not all kid-friendly, filled with violence, sex, abuse, incest, and much more. Remus appreciates the uncensored and doesn’t shy away from the taboo. I think he would like understanding where the stories come from and seeing the unsugar-coated version of it all. 

Macbeth by William Shakespeare

*Warning: Spoilers for Macbeth 

I figure Remus could enjoy Shakespeare’s comedies/romances, with their crude humor and baffling tales, and, vice versus, Roman would like tragedies with their dramatic soliloquies and riveting stories. However, I have decided that, overall, Remus would probably favor tragedies. They’re full of violence and murder, and even the tragedies have a decent amount of dick jokes. Thus, I have blessed Remus’ haul with my favorite play--not just because it’s my favorite, though. As you can probably tell by the beautiful cover, or if you’ve read it before, Macbeth has to do with royalty--specifically regicide. What an interesting theme for our mace-wielding Duke who literally took out his brother, a so-called Prince, in the first two seconds we knew him. While possibly the biggest theme to this story is the ambition which drives this regicide, the theme I believe Remus would find most interesting is fate. Macbeth is told he is to one day become king, thus setting into motion the chain of events in which Macbeth and Lady Macbeth ensure it. The question is: would Macbeth have ever become king if they did not kill Duncan? Was Macbeth destined to fall to his own greed, ambition, and corrupt to a power-hungry tyrant? Much like The Lord of the Flies, this is another that grapples with the concept of the nature of evil. However, instead of focusing on the evil in mankind, Macbeth aims to understand the choices which we make. Are we bound to fate, and are certain people fated to be evil? Whatever Remus’ stance on his title as the “evil twin,” I believe this is a concept he would find interesting.

Ancient Egyptian Book of the Dead translated by Raymond O. Faulkner

This book is really cool. It’s full of spells that help the dead go onto their eternal life. The Introduction by James P. Allen describes how this book was used in ancient Egypt, and documents important information about death and the afterlife as seen by ancient Egyptians. While death is often a darker subject in Western cultures, this book isn’t necessarily one of Remus’ “darker” pastimes. As a Creativity, Remus is curious about many things, and I think he would find interest in death in other cultures. This book is full of information and would probably keep Remus busy for hours and lead into a lot more research into the gods and rites described. 

#sanders sides #remus sanders #ts dark creativity #ts #code rambles #sides book haul #i wasn't sure about remus' but then i started picking out books for him and #i love?? what i picked?? #i think everything just fell in line #thought this draft got deleted #had a breakdown #bon appetit #anyway happy birthday remus hfrbedkwlfhktrr #book recs

[allthehorrormovies]

A+1 - A blend of American Pie and Scream, but surprisingly better than that sounds. Outlining the plot would give away the twist, which tips its hand early on, yet ends in a gratifying manner. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Make love, not war.

Alien - A friend remarked how this film likely wouldn’t be made today. It’s shot too dark. It’s quiet, purposefully. There’s no action for much of the first half; more a study in isolated labor and worker exploitation. And there’s not a “star,” outside of teenage dreamboat Harry Dean Stanton. Actors like Sir Ian Holm Cuthbert were selected for their ability, not their stature within Hollywood, as production took place in London. As Robert Ebert said, “These are not adventurers, but workers.” We’re lucky it was made, supposedly, in part because the success of Star Wars pushed the studio to quickly release their own space movie. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Sigourney Weaver is the ultimate Final Girl.

Aliens - The deliberate, slow pace of Alien is replaced by James Cameron’s grandiose action, backed by four times the original budget. Like Terminator 2: Judgment Day, it’s amazing that both films avoid “the disease of more.” Cameron’s characters are too often weighed down by punch-line dialogue, but all the elements together somehow work. Ripley’s character begins to move past being a simple pilot and into a warrior woman, for better and worse. The studio originally tried to write her out of the sequel due to a contract dispute, but Cameron thankfully refused to make the film without her. There are people out there who prefer Aliens to Alien, and that’s fine. They are wrong, but that’s fine. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Alien³ - David Fincher has famously disowned his directorial debut, citing studio deadlines for its poor quality. Compared to the first two films, it certainly is a failure. Though gorier, the scenes with the digital alien look terrible upon re-viewing. The various writers and scripts, some potentially interesting—especially William Gibson’s version, and changing cinematographers and the insertion of Fincher late into production doomed the project from the start. All that said, the movie itself isn’t terrible—parts are even good, but what feels like a midway point in Ripley’s saga is ultimately her end, and that feels cheap. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Alien: Covenant - The maddening mistakes of Prometheus absent, this sequel is a tense, action-packed killer of a flick. Scott claims a third prequel is in the works that will tie everything back to Alien, which is . . . fine? It’s just that the first film was so great and everything else since then seems so unnecessary. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Alien Resurrection - The aliens look better than ever before, but Joss Whedon’s dialogue is simply annoying and the casting is horrible. Ripley has super powers and kills her large adult alien son. Winona Ryder decides crashing a space ship into Paris, killing untold millions, is the best way to get rid of the aliens for some reason. It’s fucking dumb and cost $70 million to make. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. In the special edition intro, director Jean-Pierre Jeunet says he didn’t change much in the re-release because he was proud of the theatrical version. Baffling. 

Amer - This Belgian-French film is a tribute to the Italian tradition of giallo, a stylized, thriller told in three sections that directors like Suspiria’s Dario Argento pioneered. Mostly wordless, there’s not much plot, more a series of moments in a women’s life revolving around terrifying, sexual moments that ends in murder and madness. There are some terrific scenes, but it’s more of an art piece than movie. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

An American Werewolf in London - Funny and scary all at once, setting the bar almost impossibly high for all that followed. Rick Baker's special effects catapult this movie into greatness. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Ebert was right, though; it doesn’t really have an ending. 

Annihilation - Perhaps more of a sci-fi thriller than a horror movie. But due to some terrifying monsters scenes, I’m going to include it. Apparently writer/director Alex Garland wrote the screenplay after reading the first book in Jeff VanderMeer’s Southern Reach trilogy, giving the movie a different overall plot. Garland’s sleek style that made Ex Machina so wonderful is replaced by “The Shimmer,” which gives the film a strange glow. The ending relies too much on digital special effects that looked more gruesome in earlier segments, detracting from its intended impact. Still, a few key scenes, especially the mutated bear, are downright terror-inducing. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. I first found the constant flashbacks unnecessary, but viewed as a refraction on Portman’s mind as well as her body make them more forgiving.

The Babadook - Creepy and nearly a perfect haunted horror movie, except for some final tense moments that too quickly try to switch to sentimental, which leaves their earnestness falling flat. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Dook. Dook. Dook.

The Babysitter (2017) - One of Netflix’s original movies, this one pays off in gore and borrows heavily from Scott Pilgrim vs. the World-style jokes. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Meh. It’s cheesy and cliché, but whaddaya gonna do?

Backcountry - Don’t be fooled thinking this is like Jaws “but with a bear,” as I did. Unsympathetic characters and zero tension make this movie a drag to watch. At the start, you think, “Who cares if these assholes get eaten by a bear? They wandered into bear country without a map.” By the end, you’re actively cheering for the bear to eat the boyfriend and only a little sympathetic for the lead character. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. To her credit, Missy Peregrym does a fine job of being a mostly lone protagonist.

Basket Case - Cult director Frank Henenlotter‘s debut starts as a creepy, bloody horror movie, but staggers after showing the monster too soon and then tries to fill time with unnecessary backstory and extended scenes of screams and blood that would have otherwise been eerily good if executed more subtly. Despite not being very good, it’s at least somewhat interesting and kind of impressive considering its low budget. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Battle Royal - I’m not convinced this is a horror movie, it’s more just a gory action flick. But hey, oh well. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Fun, but not as great as many people seem to believe.

The Beyond - Considered one of Lucio Fulci’s greatest films, it might be a bit disappointing to newcomers of his work. Certainly the style and impressive gore are at their highest, but the muddled plot and poor dubbing distract from the overall effect. Fabio Frizzi‘s score is, for the most part, a great addition, however, certain key moments have an almost circus-like tone, which dampens what should be fear-inducing scenes. It’s easy to see why some fans absolutely love this movie while some critics absolutely hate it. In the end, it’ll please hardcore horror fans, but likely bore others. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Beyond the Gates - Two estranged brothers are sucked into an all-too-real game of survival after finding a mysterious VHS board game following the disappearance of their father. The plot is fun and original, but the lead actors aren’t all that engaging and the special effects look rather outdated for a 2016 release. Still, it’s an enjoyable watch. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Black Christmas - A slasher that starts out with potential, but never gets all that scary or gory, though it’s well made. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Margot Kidder gets a kid drunk.

Black Sheep (2006) - A hilarious, gory take on zombie sheep. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Black Sunday - The Mask of Satan (aka Black Sunday) is totally my new superhero/metal band name. If you're a fan of older horror, this one is not-to-miss. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Vengeance, vampires, Satan worship, castles, curses, and a buxom heroine, this movie is pretty damn dark for a 1960's black & white film.

The Blackcoat’s Daughter - Scores points for a couple of horrific scenes and a fairly good switcheroo, but mostly too slowly paced to capture the viewer’s attention. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Emma Roberts continues her path to being the modern Scream Queen.

The Birds - Hithcock’s film was, by no means, the first horror movie. German, Japanese, and UK directors had explored witches, demons, and the classic monsters decades earlier. But, The Birds is a landmark film, like Psycho, for pioneering a new wave of modern horror. It was, perhaps, the first time female sexuality and ecological revenge had been combined to create an unsettling tale with an ambiguous ending. And the rather graphic scenes of found corpses, combined with a minimalist score, are nearly as shocking today as when the film was first released. 5 out of 5 pumpkins.

Braindead - It's Bill Pulman and Bill Paxton in a 1980s B-horror; what more do you need? Most people won't enjoy this campy fart of nonsense, but try pulling your TV outside and getting good and drunk. Anything's good then. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. “The universe is just a wet dream."

The Brood - No where near as polished as Scanners or Videodrome, but still a creepy, well-made film. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

A Bucket of Blood - This black & white 1959 film from Roger Corman is more dark comedy than horror, but it’s a absurdly fun critique of beatnik culture written by Corman’s partner on Little Shop of Horrors. Dick Miller gives a great performance, and with a run time of about an horror, the pacing feels relatively quick for an older film. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Byzantium - The tale of two British vampires who live like wandering gypsies, setting up a low-rent brothel in a seaside town despite being immortal badasses because the all-powerful, all-male secret vampire club is trying to kill them, because . . . no girls allowed? It’s unclear. The vampires are of the more modern type—they go out during the day and receive their curse from a geological location than from one another. Still, overall the movie is better than it has to be. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Cabin Fever - Eli Roth’s directorial debut isn’t awful, but it certain could have been better considering Roth credits Carpenter’s The Thing as its inspiration. The homophobic jokes date the movie more than the alt-rock soundtrack and the repetitive scenes reminding viewers of how the mysterious disease spreads (at apparently differing rates depending on the character) during the conclusion end up creating a weird kind of plot hole. To his credit, some of the nods to The Thing are OK. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever - That Ti West made this pseudo-campy and outright bad movie during the same period that he made The House of the Devil is perplexing. The style, pace, and subtly that make The House of the Devil an enjoyable film are nonexistent in this cash-grab sequel. West apparently hated the final cut and requested his name be removed from the project. That said, I kind of like this movie better than the original. I’ve always found Roth’s praise of his directorial debut to be odd, as it’s not very good. For what it’s worth, this movie isn’t trying to be anything other than what it is: a tasteless, bad horror movie. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Retcons the plot hole in the first movie, at least.

The Cabin in the Woods - As good of a spoof of the horror genre as one could hope. Stereotypical with an O'Henry twist at every turn, this movie is good for an afternoon viewing, much like Tucker & Dale vs Evil. Without giving much away, if you think about it, The Cabin In the Woods is like a weird PSA about how marijuana will destroy all of mankind. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Fun and gory with something for everyone.

Candyman - Decades later, it’s not as easy to see why Candyman was such a landmark movie. It’s a bit slow, stumbles in places, and some of the acting is only serviceable. However, the story itself (based on Clive Baker’s original) is—on paper at least—good. Critics at the time were rightfully hesitant to praise a movie simply for having a black villain, especially when his origin is based on racial violence, but Tony Todd’s portrayal is so terrifying it launches the character into one of the all time great horror monsters. Add in Philip Glass’s soundtrack and Candyman reigns among other classics without being a top contender. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Carrie - I saw this movie on TV a long time ago, but I had forgotten much of the film, especially the opening scene of slow motion nudity (aren't these girls supposed to be in high school?!). The remake of this movie is likely going to be bad, but the original is so good I'll probably go see it. What can be said? Pig's blood. Fire. Religious indoctrination. Sexual overtones. There's a reason Brain de Palma's version of Steven King's story became so culturally important. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. This movie holds up, even today. 

Carrie (2013) - Though nothing is glaringly bad, and the added back-story decently pulled off by Julian Moore as the mother, almost every scene is a shadow of the original. Which is unfortunate considering that the remake of Let The Right One In managed to find a somewhat more unique tone. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Largely unnecessary.

The Changeling - George C. Scott does a fine job as a mourning husband haunted by an unfamiliar spirit. Not the most exciting movie, but pretty decent. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. It might’ve ranked higher, but there are no half stars here.


Cheerleader Massacre - This movie looks like someone shot it in their backyard with an earl 90s handheld camcorder . . . in high school. This is just embarrassing, for me too. The actors seem to be exotic dancers or adult film stars, who haven’t been asked back for a shift in a while. Alright, I skipped through this because the quality was so low. At around minute 41 there's a bathtub scene with three naked women, which culminates in one licking chocolate sauce off each other’s breasts. Some people die. Two of the naked women survive, I think. The house they all go to in the beginning of the movie - a ski lodge, I guess - burns down, or doesn't. Whatever. 0 out of 5 pumpkins. Just watch actual porn.

Child’s Play - While only OK, I understand how this became a franchise. Melted Chucky is terrifying. The villain can hop from vessel to vessel, unfortunately through some kind of voodoo racist bullshit. The characters are shallow, but serviceable. For such a big budget movie, it’s weird that it ends so abruptly. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Children of the Corn - Damn, this movie is boring. Linda Hamilton does the World's Least Sexy Birthday Striptease. The characters are joking quite a bit having just run over a child, whose dead body is rattling around in the trunk. What was the casting call like for this movie? "Wanted: Ugly children. Must look illiterate." All in all, things turn out pretty good for our protagonists. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. For something that spurred at least five other movies, this was remarkably uninspiring. 

City of the Living Dead - The dialogue is awkward and the plot a bit convoluted, but the special effects hold up and the overall story is good. The first of Lucio Fulci’s Gates of Hell trilogy. Apparently when the movie was screened in L.A., Fulci was booed. 3 of 5 pumpkins. Poor Bob the Simple Pervert.

Climax - Gaspar Noé is known for making viewers feel as uncomfortable possible with his experimental style film making. Which is fine. But that discomfort rarely lands to move me outside the initial shock. Climax is, surprisingly, more like a Suspiria remake than the actual 2018 remake. That, however, doesn’t make it good. The really shocking moments aren’t all that shocking and the cultural commentary isn’t very deep. It’s not a bad movie, it’s just, well, unnecessary. The dance scenes are extraordinary, so at least it’s got that going for it. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Color Out of Space - An enjoyable, albiet uneven, film that does a lot with little. A head-trip type of home invasion movie that pulls you in. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Conjuring - It’s easy to see why so many people love this movie. It’s well-acted, it has jump-out-of-your-seat scares, and incorporates several classic fear elements. Considering the mediocre, at best, tiredly worn horror movies that slump to torture porn for shock value coming out recently, The Conjuring stands above its peers. Still, there’s nothing original about the movie. 3 out 5 pumpkins. 

The Conjuring 2 - Billed as more shocking than the original, this sequel likely lands better in theaters with it’s jump-cut scares and action flick sequences. On the home screen, however, the overly dramatic elements are too far flung to seem like a haunting based on true events. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. 

Creep (2014) - Nails the P.O.V. angle without going too far down the overly-used “found footage.” Mark Duplass is terrifying and without his ability to carry the film, the entire concept could have easily fallen flat. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Creep 2 - Mark Duplass pleasantly surprises with a sequel that, while not as *ahem* creepy as the first, builds out the world of his serial killer in a manner that is engaging and ends with the potential for more. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Crimes of Passion - Technically it’s an “erotic thriller,” but given Ken Russell in the director’s chair and Anthony Perkins as the villain, I’m adding it to this list. Unfortunately, it’s not a great film. Kathleen Turner surpasses over acting in some scenes, and the rest of the cast is pretty forgettable. If the plot revolved around Perkins’s character, it might have been more of a horror flick. Instead revolves around loveless marriage and the fucked up issues of sexuality in America, attempting to say . . . something, but never really making a point. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Russell has got an obsession with death dildos. I don’t know what to do with that information. Just an observation.

Crimson Peak - Guillermo del Toro is a complicated director. He’s created some truly remarkable films, but has also created some borderline camp. Crimson Peak splits the difference, much in the same way Pacific Rim does. If you’re a deep fan of a particular genre, in this case Victorian-era romance, then the movie can be an enjoyable addition to the category with its own voice. If you’re not, then the movie’s more eye-roll-inducing moments are less a nod to fandom and more of an uninvited addition to what could be a straight forward film. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Beautiful, but lacking.

Cronos - This del Toro film is a must-see for any fan of his current work. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Even if you're not usually a fan of foreign films, you'll likely appreciate this modern take on the vampire mythology.

Dagon - To be honest, I feel like I should watch this one again. It’s a bit of a jumbled mess, but there are some wacky, gory moments at the end. Similar in tone and style to Dead and Buried. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Seriously, like the last 20 minutes cram so much plot it’s just a series of wtf moments until hitting incest and then nothing really matters.

Darling - Well shot in beautiful black and white with an excellence score, Darling really should receive a better score. However, it fails to be more than the sum of its parts. Borrowing liberally from Kubrick’s one-point perspective and Polanski’s Repulsion in nearly every other way, the film is decent, but fumbles in deciding whether to convince the audience of a clear plot, leaving viewers with closure, yet unsatisfied. Still, worth viewing. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Daughters of Darkness - A Belgian/French erotic vampire film that isn’t as erotic or vampiric as one might hope. Still, legend Delphine Seyrig shines so brightly, it’s catapults are relatively boring film into near greatness. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Dawn of the Dead - The best zombie movie ever made. 5 out of 5 pumpkins.

Day of the Dead - George A. Romero’s end to a near-perfect trilogy isn’t as good as its predecessors, but it’s gorier and somehow more depressing, even with the ending. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Dead and Burried - Starts with a bang, but lags in the middle. The ending tries too hard to surprise you, yet, by the time it’s over you kind of don’t care. Surprisingly well acted and good, creepy tale. Might not be everyone’s bag, but if you’re a tried-and-true horror fan, you’ll enjoy the movie. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Fun fact: The movie was written by Dan O’Bannon, famed for writing Alien. O’Bannon worked with John Carpenter on a short in film school, quit being a computer animator on Star Wars to be a screenwriter, and became broke and homeless after attaching himself to Jodorowsky’s doomed Dune. He later went on to direct The Return of The Living Dead and write Total Recall. 

Dead Snow - A Nazi zombie bites off a dude's dick. Do you really need any other details? 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Germans be crazy.

Dead Snow 2: Red vs Dead - Not as good as its predecessor, but still fun. Plus, more children die. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Why all the gay jokes, though?

Death Bed: The Bed That Eats - OK, my first nit-pick is that the bed doesn’t eat people so much as it dissolves people. But it still makes chewing sounds? Whatever. A bizarre concept that swings for seriousness and utterly fails due to its lack of plot and extremely low budget. Kinda of weird, but ultimately pretty boring. 1 out of 5 pumpkins.

Death Spa - Hilariously bad. Super 80s. I can’t say this is a good film, but I would recommend watching it for the kitsch value. What if a ghost haunted a gym? Instant money maker. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Fun fact: the project came about due to shepherding from Walter Shenson, who got rich producing A Hard Day’s Night and Help!, and the lead actor, who plays a gym manager, was an actual gym manager in L.A. at the time.

Deathgasm - Imagine if Scott Pilgrim vs. the World was about a New Zealand metal band and not as good, but still pretty OK. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Deep Red (aka Profondo Rosso, aka The Hatchet Murders) - Dario Argento’s 1975 film is more polished than 1977′s Suspiria, which is a bit surprising. However, that doesn’t necessarily make it a better film. Where Suspirira’s fever dream colors and superior soundtrack, also by Goblin, shines, Deep Red doesn’t quite land. The camera work here is better, though, as is much of acting. But there’s a lot of let downs, such as the opening psychic bowing out and never really coming up again, the boorish male lead and oddly timed humor, and the final reveal, which is anti-climatic. Still, an overall great horror movie. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Def by Tempation - I really enjoyed this film, despite it not being the most skillful directed or the most incredible script. The plot is compelling, the jokes are pretty funny, and the angles and lighting are really well done despite the limited budget. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Admittedly, Kadeem Hardison nostalgia helps.

Demons - Multiple people recommended this to me, and I can see why considering the Dario Argento connection. Unfortunately, the premise is more exciting than the execution. Poorly acted and poorly dubbed, the gore doesn’t do enough to hold one’s attention. There’s a scene where a guy rides around on a dirt bike killing demons with a samurai sword. At least that happens. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Is the ticket-taker in on it? She works in the demon theater, right? So, why is she being hunted? Also, where the fuck did the helicopter come from?

The Descent - Some of Earth’s hottest, most fit women embark on a spelunking adventure with a recently traumatized friend. Aside from a couple of lazy devices that put the team in greater peril than necessary, the movie quickly and cleverly puts the cavers into a horrifying survival scenario that few others in the genre have matched. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Without giving too much away, be sure you get the original, unrated cut before watching this flick.

The Devil’s Backbone - Though del Toro’s debut, Cronos, is more original and imaginative, this is much more honed. Not necessarily frightening, but tense and dreadful through out, laying open the horror war inflicts on all it touches. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Devil’s Candy - More of a serial killer thriller than a horror, but the supernatural elements raise this movie to better-than-average heights. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. The real lesson is this movie is that cops won’t save you, ONLY METAL CAN SAVE YOU!

Don't Be Afraid of the Dark - The biggest upside to this movie is that it was produced by Guillermo del Toro. The biggest downside is that it's not directed by Guillermo del Toro. Still, the director gets credit for making a child the main character; never an easy task. To the little girl's credit, she's a better actor than Katie Holmes, no surprise, and Guy Pierce. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. With a bit more gore and stylistic pauses, this could have been a 4. This movie proves why killing kids is more fun than kids who kill, and also that every male protagonist in every horror movie is dumb dick.

Don’t Look Now - Well-acted and interesting, Nicolas Roeg’s adaptation is a high-water mark of the 1970s premier horror. The only real complaint is that the ending—while good and obviously ties it all together—is nonsensical. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Donald Sutherland fucks.

Event Horizon - “This ship is fucked.” “Fuck this ship!” “Where we’re going, we don’t need eyes to see.” These are quotes from, and also the plot of, Event Horizon. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. The most disturbing part of the whole production might be Sam Neil’s attempt to be a sexual icon.

The Evil Dead - Though The Shining is the best horror movie ever made, The Evil Dead is my favorite. Funny, creepy, well-shot on a shoestring budget, it's the foundation for most modern horror flicks, more so than Night of the Living Dead in some fashions. See it immediately, if you haven't. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Bruce fuckin' Campbell.

Evil Dead (2013) - Not entirely bad, and even takes the original plot in more realistic places, like the character having to detox. But is that what we really need? The fun of the original is its low budget, odd humor, and DIY grit. I guess if you really want a “darker” version, it’s this. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Better than The Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake, about as good as the Carrie remake, I guess.

Evil Dead II - I have to respect Sam Raimi because it’s like he got more budget and did everything possible to try and make this movie suck just as a fuck you to the studio. All the creepy parts of the original are over-the-top, there’s zero character development—just faces on a stage, and it’s seemingly a crash-grab to set up Army of Darkness more than anything else. That said, it’s kind of boring outside of a couple gory scenes. It’s fun, but not that funny. It’s scary, but more gauche than anything. An exercise in excess, yet a decent one somehow. My biggest complaint is that Evil Dead is great with Bruce Campbell, but would have been good with almost anyone; whereas Evil Dead II is only good because it’s Bruce Campbell. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Elvira: Mistress of the Dark - This movie is nothing but puns and tit jokes. But clever ones! Pretty okay with that. Or maybe it's a statement on third-wave feminism in spoof form? Probably not. At one point an old people orgy breaks out at a small town morality picnic, but it's a PG-13 movie so it doesn't get very fun. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Boooooooooobs.

Elvira's Haunted Hills - A pretty disappointing follow-up to what was a fun, 1980s romp. Instead of poking fun at uptight Protestants, Elvira’s just kind of a dick to her servant. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Even the boob jokes are flat.

The Endless - More sci-fi than horror, and not the most deftly produced, still an original concept that’s pulled off well. 3 out 5 pumpkins. Maybe this should get a higher ranking. It’s good! Not exactly scary, but good.

Equinox - Decided to give another older Criterion Collection film a try. Though there are some clever tricks in the movie, especially for its time -- like an extended cave scene that's just a black screen -- the poor sound, monsters that look children's toys, and general bad acting drag this movie down to nothing but background noise that's easy to ignore. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. Whatever contributions this movie may have made to the industry, its not worth your time unless studying for a film class.

Excision - Less of an outright horror movie and more of a disturbing tale of a young necrophiliac, the film tries its best to summon the agnst of being a teen, but falls short of better takes, like Teeth. Still, pretty good. Traci Lords is great and John Waters plays a priest. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Exorcist - The slow pace and attention to character backstory is more moving than the shocking scenes you've no doubt heard about, even if you haven't seen the film. The pacing is slow compared to most movies today, but the drawn out scenes, like in Rosemary's Baby, help convey the sense of dread. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Believe.

Eyes Without a Face - One of the more remarkable things about this French 1960′s near-masterpiece is how carefully it walked the line between gore and taboo topics in order to pass European standards. The villain isn’t exactly sympathetic, but carries at least some humanity, giving the story a more realistic, and therefore more frightening quality. The only, only thing that holds this film back is the carnivalesque soundtrack that could have been foreboding. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. A must watch for any horror fan.

The Fly - Cronenberg's fan-favorite film is delightful, though it’s not as great as Scanners or Videodrome, in my humble opinion. Jeff Goldblum is, of course, terrific. If you haven’t seen it, see it! 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Where’d he get the monkey, though? Seems like it’d be hard to just order a monkey. The 80s were wild, man.

The Fog - A rare miss for John Carpenter’s earlier work. There’s nothing outright wrong or bad about this movie, but it’s not particularly scary and the plot is rather slow. That said, it’s soundly directed. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. If you’re a Carpenter fan, it’s still worth watching.

Forbidden World - Another Roger Corman cult classic, this one made immediately after the much larger budget Galaxy of Terror, mostly because Corman had spent so much on the first set (designed by James Cameron) and thought of a way to make another low-budget flick with a much smaller cast and recycled footage from Battle Beyond the Stars. Even more of a complete rip-off of Alien, with some Star Wars and 2001: A Space Odyssey bit sprinkled in. Perhaps because it’s far less serious and revels in its pulp, it’s somehow better than Galaxy of Terror, which is more ambitious—you know, for a Corman b-movie. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. No worm sex scene, though.

Frankenhooker - Frank Henenlotter‘s 1990 black comedy is over-the-top in almost every way, perhaps best encapsulated by the introduction of Super Crack that makes sex workers, and one hamster, explode. But with a title like Frankenhooker, you get what you expect. Hell, it even manages to sneak in an argument for legalizing prostitution. If you’re a fan of zany, exploitation in the vein of Re-Animator, you’ll enjoy it. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Friday the 13th - Terrifically balanced between campy and creepy, with a soundtrack that’s twice as good as it needs to be. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Worth watching every year.

The Frighteners - Michael J. Fox, everyone! Robert Zemeckis & Peter Jackson - ugh. It didn't even take 20 minutes for the racial stereotypes to kick in. Unlike the trope of youth in most horror movies, everyone in this movie looks old. Holy shit, did anyone else remember Frank Busey was in this movie? Michael J. Fox is a bad driver in this movie. He was also in a car accident that gave him supernatural sense. Jokes. Apparently they tried to make it look like this movie was shot in the Midwestern United States, but it was filmed in New Zealand. It's clearly a coastal or water based mountain town, in like dozens of shots. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Cheesy without being completely campy, it's also family friendly. If this were any other genre, this would likely be a two.

From Beyond - Stewart Gordon’s follow-up to Re-Animator isn’t as fun, even with some impressively gory special effects. Viewers are throw into a story with little regard for character, which doesn’t really matter, but is still a bit of a left down when you find yourself wondering how a BDSM-inclined psychiatrist builds a bomb from scratch. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. It’ll stimulate your pineal gland!

Funny Games (2007) - A fairly straightforward home invasion horror achieves greatness thanks to Michael Haneke‘s apt directing and powerful performances by Naomi Watts and Michael Pitt. Like with Psycho, some of the most horrifying parts are what comes after. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. The fourth wall breaking is an odd touch, but thankfully and surprisingly doesn’t distract.

The Fury - Brian De Palma’s follow-up to Carrie is a major let down. Despite a fairly charismatic Kirk Douglas and score by John Williams, the two-hour run time drags and drags. Attempting to combine horror and an action-thriller, the film waffles between genres without ever rising above either. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. It’s not explicitly bad; just a bore to watch.

Galaxy of Terror - Roger Corman produced this movie as was to try and capitalize off the success of Alien, but even with that shallow motivation it’s better than it needed to be. Staring Erin Moran of Happy Days fame and celebrated actor Ray Walston, Galaxy of Terror has an uneven cast, made all the more puzzling by Sid Haig. Though “the worm sex scene” is likely the reason it achieved cult status, James Cameron’s production is top-notch and was clearly the foundation for his work on Aliens. The ending even hints at the future of Annihilation. Does all this make it a good movie? Not really, but it’s not terrible either. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Get Out - A marvelous debut for Jordan Peele, who—given his comedy background—was able to land some downright chilling moments alongside some mostly well-timed jokes. Unfortunately, not all of them as well timed, especially the drop-in moments with the lead character’s TSA buddy. Peele originally had the film end less optimistically, but wanted audiences to ultimately walk away feeling good. Maybe not the most artistic choice, but certainly the smart one given the film’s acclaim. It’s easy to see why Get Out has cemented itself alongside The Stepford Wives as a smart, “in these times” commentary about society, but it’s also just a really well-paced, well-shot, well-acted film. With two other horror projects immediately set, it’ll be exciting to see just how much Peele will add to the genre. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. America’s worst movie critic, Armond White, said Get Out was “an Obama movie for Tarantino fans” as if that was a bad thing. Idiot.

Ginger Snaps - A delightfully playful but still painful reminder of what it was like being a teenager while still being a gore-fest. A must for anyone who was emo. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Out by sixteen or dead on the scene.

A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night - An almost flawless picture. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Bonus: nearly everyone in this movie is insanely hot.

Green Room - Surviving a white supremacist rally in the Pacific Northwest is no joke. The region is the unfortunate home to violently racist gangs, clinging to the last shreds of ignorant hate. Though fading, some of the movements mentioned in the movie, like the SHARPs, are grounded in recent history. Mainly a gory survival-flick, the movie sneaks in some surprisingly tone-appropriate humor. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. No one’s island band should be Misfits.

A Ghost Story (2017) - Yes, this isn’t a horror. It’s a drama. Don’t care; including it anyway. It’s unnerving in the way that it makes you consider your own mortality and the lives of the people who you’ve touched, and how all of that won’t last as long as an unfeeling piece of furniture or the wreckage of home soon forgot. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Ghostbusters (1984) - “It’s true. This man has no dick.” 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Halloween (1978) - One of the best openings of any horror film. John Carpenter is a genius. 5 out of 5 pumpkins.

Halloween (2018) - Eh. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Hardware - A very unhelpful Marine brings home some post-apocalyptic trash that tries to kill him and his girlfriend, who could absolutely do better than him. Horribly shot and nonsensical, it doesn’t push the boundaries of filth or gore its cult fans adore. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. Do not recommend.

The Haunting (1963) - Not exactly the scariest of movies, but damn well made and just dripping with gay undertones. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Theo is queen femme daddy and we are all here for it.

Haunting on Fraternity Row - The acting is surprisingly decent, but the supernatural elements don’t even start until halfway into the movie, which begins as a sort of handheld, POV style conceit and then abandons all pretense of that set up. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. Not at all scary, but maybe it will make you nostalgic for frat parties, cocaine, and failed threesomes. So.

The Haunting of Julia - Apparently parents in 1970s Britain didn't receive proper Hymlic maneuver treatment, which perhaps made for an epidemic of dead children. As promising as that premise might be, an hour into this movie and there hasn't been any actual haunting. There's a stylish gay best friend (he owns a furniture store) and a dumb dick of an ex-husband, a scene of library research, mistaken visions, etc. All the standards are here, except for the haunting parts. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Well shot but absolutely boring, this is more about a woman's struggle with depression than a horror flick.

Head Count - A great premises that falters in key moments, making the sum of its parts less than its promising potential. For example, there’s no reason to show a CGI monster when you’ve already established its a shape-shifter, the scariest part is that they could be anybody! 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Hellbound: Hellraiser II - I really dislike this movie, not because it’s especially bad, but because it’s a lazy continuation of the first film. Yes, there are a couple of scenes that are squeamishly good, but it spends too much time rehashing the plot of the first and then ending in some grandiose other dimension that has not real impact. Part of the terrifying elements of the first is that the horror is confined to one room in one house. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. It really only gets this many pumpkins because of the mattress scene.

Hellraiser - Truly the stuff nightmares are made of. It’s easy to see why this film became a cult-classic and continues to horrify audiences. That said, the plot is a bit simplistic. Not that the plot is the heart of the film; the objective is for viewers to experience squeamish body mutilation and overall dread, and in that regard it truly delivers. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Hereditary - Toni Collette is a treasure in this dramatic horror about family and loss. Though the truly terrifying bits take too long to ramp up, resulting in a jumbled conclusion, the film is engrossing. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Hocus Pocus - Admittedly, this movie isn’t very good. But its nostalgic charm and constant virgin jokes earns it a higher ranking that it deserves. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. “Max likes your yabbos. In fact, he loves them.”

Honeymoon - Often described as a modern twist on Rosemary’s Baby, this debut from promising director Leigh Janiak takes its time before getting truly creepy. Though there are some gruesome moments, the tense feeling is bound to the two leads, who are able to keep a lingering sense of dread alive without much else to play off. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Host - I was skeptical of this Korean movie based on the sub-par visual affects, but the script, actors, and cinematography were all much better than expected. A genre-bender, as my friend who recommended it described, you'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll cringe. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. If you're a fan of movies like Slither, you'll love this movie.

Hot Fuzz - Second in Three Flavours Cornetto and probably the worst, but still a great movie that gets better on repeat viewing. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

House - A part of the Critereon Collection, this 1977 Japanese movie is a trip and a half that follows the untimely demise of some school girls going to visit their friend's aunt, who turns out to be a witch who eats unwed women. One of the girls is named Kung-Fu and spiritually kicks a demon cat painting until blood pours out everywhere. I guess this is kind of a spoiler, but the movie is such a madcap, magna-influenced experiment there's nothing that can really ruin the experience. Like most anime, this movie also ends with an unnecessary song that drags on for far too long. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. I guess this movie influenced a lot of future work, which make sense. Still, most people would consider this a 1 as it's nearly impossible to follow.

The House at the End of the Street - I only decided to watch this movie because Jennifer Lawrence is in it. This isn't even a real horror movie. It's a serial killer movie with a few thriller moments. My standards are low at this point. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. It's a PG-13 movie, so instead of outright showing you some boobs there's just long, awkwardly placed frames of Jennifer Lawrence in a white tank-top. Oh, America.

The House of the Devil - Though an on-the-nose homage to 70s satanic slow-burns, this Ti West feature moves at a decent pace toward the slasher-like ending, making it better than most of movies it pays tribute to. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. 

The House on Sorority Row - A cookie-cutter college slasher that ends abruptly for no real reason considering how long it sets up its premise. Nothing awful, but nothing original. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Housebound - A fun, Kiwi flick that nicely balances a bit of horror with humor with a strong performance by Morgana O'Reilly. Though the plot takes a couple unnecessary twits towards the end, the gore kicks up and leaves you with a satisfying ending. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Howling - Released the same year as American Werewolf in London, this movie isn’t very good, but it is entertaining. Apparently audiences and critics thought it was funny. Maybe because it makes fun of that Big Sur lifestyle? I dunno. Dick Miller is the best thing in this movie, outside of the special effects. No idea why it spawned several follow ups. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Honestly, why not just lean into The Gift and join The Colony—nice surroundings, sultry nympho, regeneration ability. Some people can’t appreciate nice things.

Humanoids from the Deep - A cult favorite from the Roger Corman camp that borrows heavily from Creature from the Black Lagoon and a bit from Jaws. Initially very well done by director Barbara Peeters, but ultimately released much to her distaste. Peeters shot grisly murder scenes of the men, but used off camera and shadows to show the creatures raping the women. Corman and the editor didn’t think there was enough campy nudity. So they tapped Jimmy T. Murakami and second unit director James Sbardellati to reshoot those scenes, unknown to the cast, and then spliced the more exploitative elements back in for the final version, including a shower scene where it’s abundantly clear a new, more busty actress stands in for actual character. It’s unfortunate Peeters’ creation was essentially stolen from her, as it could have been a more respected film. I mean, how many horror flicks could weave in the economic struggle of small town bigots against a young native man trying save salmon populations? That said, the cut we got is pervy romp that’s still a boat-load of b-movie fun. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. James Horner on the score.

The Hunger - First off, David fucking Bowie. Not to be outdone, Susan Sarandon and Catherine Deneuve are absolute knock-outs. Horror stories are often rooted in the erotic, often the unknown or shameful aspects of ingrained morality manifested in the grotesque and deadly. When done positively and well, it can be a powerful device. It’s a shame more recent horror movies don’t move beyond the teen-to-college-year characters for their sexual icons, too often used as sacrificial lambs, because mature sexuality can be far more haunting. As we age our connections to the meaning of love grow deeper and more complex; immorality does not offer the same luster. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Damn impressive for a first major film. Fun fact: Tony Scott wanted to adapt Interview with the Vampire, but MGM gave him The Hunger instead. It bombed and he went back to making commercials. Then Jerry Bruckheimer got him to direct Top Gun, which made $350M.

Hush - Though the masked stranger, home invasion plot is well-worn, this movies provides just enough shifts to keep things interesting and frightening. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Watch out, Hot John!

I Am the Pretty Thing that Lives in the House - With only an hour and a half run time, this film still drags. Part of that is deliberate. The foundation of the film is its atmosphere and the lingering uneasiness that it wishes audiences to dwell in. But by the end, you’re left with nothing more than a simple, sad story. It’s similar to the feeling of overpaying for a nice-looking appetizer and never getting a full meal. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Initiation - This movie has every 80s hour cliché necessary: minimalist synth soundtrack, naked co-eds, looming POV shots, hunky Graduate professor, escaped psychiatric patients, prophecy nightmares, and creepy a child. Yes, everything but actual horror. An hour into the horror movie and only one person has died. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. There is no point to this movie, unless you're a huge fan of the princess in Space Balls.

The Innkeepers - The second of Ti West’s two well-received horror originals before he set out for TV and found-footage anthologies, The Innkeepers may not get as much love as The House of the Devil, but should. The dual-leads (Sara Paxton and Pat Healy) are more fun to watch than Jocelin Donahue‘s performance and the tone more even-set throughout the film. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Innocents - Reportedly Martin Scorsese’s favorite horror movie, it’s easy to see how big of an impact it had on the genre (especially The Others) with sweeping camera angles, slow but still haunting pace, and remarkable sound design. Perhaps it’s not as well-received by modern viewers, but it’s no doubt a classic. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Intruder (1989) - An enjoyable slasher flick from long-time Sam Raimi collaborator Scott Spiegel that takes places in a grocery store after hours that doesn’t try to do too much or take itself too seriously and features some over-the-top gore. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. “I’m just crazy about this store!”

Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1956) - A terrific example of how to build paranoid fear. That its political allegory can be interpreted on both sides of McCarthyism makes it all the better. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Original ending, ftw.

Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978) - A rare remake that’s almost as good as the original. Terrific use of San Fransisco as a setting, Goldblum Goldblum’ing it up, solid pacing—great film! 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Plus, nudity!

The Invitation - More of a tense drama until the final moments, this film deserves praise for holding viewers’ attention for so long before the horror tipping point. Further details could spoil the story, but like many tales in the genre the lesson here is always trust your gut. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Ugh, Californians.

It (2017) - Stephen King’s nearly 1,200 page 1986 national bestseller captures the attention of readers for a number of reason: it’s coming-of-age story is horrific even without supernatural elements, it’s cast of characters resemble classic American archetypes from many of King’s other works, and its adaptation into a four hour mini-series staring Tim Curry as Pennywise in 1990 has haunted the imaginations of children for decades. Unfortunately, like the mini-series, the movie fails to deliver the long, unsettling moments that make the novel so thrilling. King’s story is a cocaine-fueled disaster that throws everything and the kitchen sink at viewers when compressed onto the screen. The truly terrifying elements of the book lose their impact when delivered one after another without time to feel personally connected to each character. The genius of It is the paranormal evil’s ability to hone in on a person’s darkest fears. Without deep empathy for all of The Losers, the individualized psychological torture is muted when reduced to jump-cuts. For what it’s worth, the film does its best with a jumble of sub-plots and the Pennywise origin story, but as the tone bounces from wide shots of small town Maine and the painful trauma of abuse to titled zooms of CGI monsters and an over-the-top soundtrack, something is lost. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Publishing office, 1985: “So, wait. The kids fuck?” the editor asks, disgusted. King vacuums another white rail into his nasal cavity. “Huh?! Oh. Yeah, sure. I guess. Does that happen? Jesus, I’m so fucked up right now. What day is it? What were you saying? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It’s like, love is the opposite of fear, bridge to adulthood or something. Do you have any booze around here?”

It Comes At Night - More utterly depressing than terrifying and a reminder that the greatest horror we’ll likely ever face is simply the limits of our own humanity. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

It Follows - An uncomfortable and honest take on how sexuality is intertwined with the horror myth. One for the ages. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. The real terror is HPV. 

Jaws - A masterpiece that’s too easily remembered for its cultural impact than artist merit. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. R.I.P. Chrissie Watkins, you were a free spirit as wild as the wind.

The Killing of a Sacred Deer - Yorgos Lanthimos‘s follow up to The Lobster isn’t as well done, but the wide shots, odd lines, and increasingly bizzare build-up are all present. The finale is near perfect, but takes a bit too long to reach. I’d really like to give this film a higher score, but alas: 3 out of 5 pumpkins. There’s nothing wrong, yet something is missing.

Kiss of the Damned - There are handful of potential interesting scenes and the internal drama of a vampire family is a potentially the foundation for a good film. Despite this, Xan Cassavetes’s film never manages to actually be all that interesting. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. There’s nothing terrible here, but also nothing remarkable.

Knock Knock - Two hotties do my man Keanu dirty. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Eli Roth is a better actor than director.

The Lair of the White Worm - A campy demon flick from Altered States director Ken Russell. Staring Hugh Grant, Peter Capaldi, and Amanda Donohoe, the plot is loosely based on Bram Stroker’s last novel, which has a few similarities to H. P. Lovecraft's novella The Shadow Over Innsmouth, which was made into the Spanish film Dagon. Very British all around, a bit like Hot Fuzz meets Clue, this could have been played straight and potentially been scary, but Russell didn’t intend to be serious. A topless snake demon wearing a death strap-on to sacrafice a virgin can’t be taken as *cinema* after all. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Not great film by any stretch, but pretty fun!

Lake Mungo - Presented as a made-for-TV type of mystery documentary, this could have really turned out poorly. Despite some unnecessary plot additions, this movie really stuck with me. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Sadder than you might expect.

The Langoliers - Balki Bartokomous is the villain in this made-for-TV special. He is terrible and the rest of the cast is packed with 90s no-name actors and a child actor that might as well be the blind version of a kid Liz Lemon. You know how Stephen King writes himself into every. single. story? In this case it's not even as a plot device, it's just a character to fill space like an obvious oracle. In the book, the character tearing paper is a subtle, unsettling mannerism you assume happens quietly in the background, but because television writers treat their audiences like distracted five year-olds, this action becomes a reoccurring focus with no point or context. One of the best parts about the book was imagining the wide, empty space of the Denver airport. Of course, shutting down an entire airport would be expensive, so most of the interactions take place in a single terminal, which is just as boring as being stuck at the airport yourself. Two 1994-era Windows screen savers eat Balki at the end, then, like, all of reality, maaaaaaaan. The more I think about it, this story might have been the unconscious basis for a strong Salvia freak out I once had. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. Dear male, white writers, we all know that no one actually fucks writers in real life - that's why you're all so angry. Stop creating these protagonists equipped with impossible pussy-magnets. Stop. Staaaaaaaahp.

The Last House of the Left - Wes Craven’s debut isn’t much of a horror, but a revenge tale that contains no build up or sense of dread, but an immediate and unrelenting assault of its characters and the audience. It’s well-made, and the rape revenge tale is older than Titus Andronicus, but that doesn’t mean it’s something worth viewing. There’s no joy; it’s Pink Flamingos without the camp. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. No doubt impactful, but really best viewed as a piece of history with a critical eye and not for entertainment.

The Legend of Hell House - A well made haunted house film that holds up forty years later. Pamela Franklin, playing a medium, carries much of the movie. Her foil, the physicist, is a strange character. He apparently believes people, and even dead bodies, can manifest surreal, electromagnetic energies, but not in “surviving personalities.” Yet, he still orders this giant “reverse energy” machine to “drain” the house of its evil before they even set out to research house. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Dangerous diner parties, the insatiable Mrs. Barret, mirrored ceilings and kick ass Satan statues everywhere - this house seems pretty great, actually.

The Legend of the 7 Golden Vampires - A blast to watch, but not truly great. Unfortunately, I’ve only seen the edited version (The 7 Brothers Meet Dracula) that mixes up the beginning for no real reason and wonder how much better the original cut might be. Still, vampires! Kung Fu! Peter Cushing! 3 out of 5 pumpkins.


Let the Right One In - Beautiful and terribly haunting. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Likely the best horror movie this generation will get.

Let Me In - Surprising good. Unnecessary, yes. But still good. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Fun fact: I once watched an *ahem* found copy of Matt Reeves‘s Dawn of the Planet of the Apes without the ape subtitles and thought it was a brave choice to make the audience sympathize with the common humanity among our species. I was also pretty high.

Life After Beth - Jeff Baena‘s horror comedy features a terrific Aubrey Plaza, but Dane DeHaan’s character leaves a lot to be desired. It seems like the film is trying to save something about life, love, and family, but never finds its voice. A fine, funny movie to watch on a rainy afternoon. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Lifeforce - Directed by Tobe Hooper (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre) and written by Dan O'Bannon (Alien) is a film the suffers from “the disease of more.” The entire concept of space vampires is rad as hell, but a $25 million budget and a 70 mm production couldn’t save what ends up being a boring trod and a jumbled ending that somehow makes major city destruction tiring. Though, to be fair, this was well before Independence Day. Colin Wilson, author of the original source material, said it was the worst movie he has ever seen. I wouldn’t go that far, but during a special 70 mm screening, the theater host chastised the audience in advance to not make fun of the movie during the showing because it was “a great film.” Reader, it is not. But Mathilda May looks real good naked and there are a couple cool, gory shots. So, there’s that. I guess. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Patrick Stewart is in this for all of like 10 minutes, but is still listed as a main character.

The Lighthouse - From The Witch’s Robert Eggers, this film is objectively a great work of art. Brooding, stark, and compelling performances from Willem Dafoe and Robert Pattinson—all the elements add up into a unique and disturbing experience. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. All that said, in the same way I consider Death Spa a 2 pumpkin movie you should see, this is a 4 pumpkin movie you could probably skip. It’s not entertaining in the traditional sense, and likely not one you’d want to really ever see again. The Eggers brothers made something weirdly niche and it’s fine if it stays that way.

Little Evil - A serviceable comedy that isn’t all that scary or even gory, which is a disappointment considering Eli Craig’s Tucker & Dale vs. Evil was so good. There are a few nods to famous horror movies that make a handful of scene enjoyable, but otherwise it’s purely background material. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Little Monsters - A Hulu original that’s pretty fun, if ultimately standing on the shoulders of giants like George A. Romero and Edgar Wright. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

A Lizard in a Woman's Skin - Lucio Fulci’s erotic mystery starts out with groovy sex parties and hallucinations, but quickly gets dull in the middle with extended scenes of psychological assessment, only to wind up where we all started. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Lodge - A good exercise in isolation horror that, while a bit slow, ratchets up the tension and horror with each act. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Damn kids.

The Lost Boys - A fun, campy 80s vampire flick you’ve likely heard of or even seen. I get why it’s cemented in popular culture, but at the end of the day it’s a Joel Schumacher film with a silly plot. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Love Witch - Somewhere between earnest satire and homage, The Love Witch is a well-crafted throwback to 1960s schlock. Weaving in contemporary gender critique, the film is more than just a rehash of its sexual fore-bearers. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Mandy (2018) - Like watching a bad trip from afar, Beyond the Black Rainbow director Panos Cosmatos (son of the Tombstone director) pulls off a trippy, dreadful film that starts out with story that follows logic and consequence before giving over to the full weirdness of Nicholas Cage’s uniquely unhinged style of acting. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Jóhann Jóhannsson’s score is superb.

Midsommar - Though not as good as Aster’s Hereditary, Midsommar sticks with you longer. Eerie throughout and disturbing, but not frightening in the traditional sense, it’s no surprise this film seems to split viewers into devoted fans and downright haters. Florence Pugh’s performance is wonderful and the scenes of drugged-out dread are far better than what was attempted in Climax. Some critics have called the film muddled and shallow, and certainly the “Ugly American” character fits in the later, but I found it to be a remarkably clear vision compared to the jumbled ending of Hereditary. That said, it’s not a scary movie, it’s simply unnerving. Should a male director and writer be the one to tell this tale? Probably not. But it’s not wholly unredemptive. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. I first gave this film 3 pumpkins, but the more I think about it, the more it lingers. That counts for something. One more pumpkin to be exact.

Mimic - Without del Toro’s name attached, perhaps this movie wouldn’t be judged so harshly. Yet, though the shadowy, lingering shots he’s know for give a real sense of darkness to the picture, it’s a chore to sit through and is especially frustrating toward the end. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Mist - Watch the black and white version, which adds an ol’ timey feel to this Lovecraftian tale from Steven King and makes always-outdated CGI a bit more palpable. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Monster (2016) - From The Strangers Bryan Bertino, this monster movie that ties in a trouble mother/daughter relationship doesn’t ever overcome its limitations and poor character decisions that get protagonists in deeper trouble. Zoe Kazan does what she can to carry the role. Not bad, but not much below the surface. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Monsters (2010) - A slow-burn that relies on its actors to push the suspense of a road-trip-style plot, leaving the special effects for subtle and beautiful moments. Arguably more of a sci-fi thriller than a true horror flick, it’s still worth viewing if you’re looking for something spooky. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

mother! - Like many of Aronosky’s films, mother! is difficult to define by genre. Though not a typical haunted house film, the bloody, unsettling aspects make it more than a typical psychological thriller. Haunting in a similar fashion of Black Swan, yet broader in theme like The Fountain, this movie is challenging, disturbing and frustrating in the sense that, as a mere viewer, you’re left feeling like there’s something you’ll never fully understand despite being beaten over the head. An not-so-subtle allegory about love, death, creation, mankind, god, and the brutality women must endure, it’s a hideous reminder that, upon even the briefest reflection, life’s cosmic journey is macabre. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Ms. 45 - Ahead of its time, especially considering the unfortunate “rape revenge” sub-genre that seemed to cater to male fantasy than female empowerment. Still, it’s slow build and random scenes toward the finale leave it wanting. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Oh, the knife is a dick. I get it. 

Murder Party - A bit like Tucker and Dale vs. Evil, but for New York art kids. Even for being a horror comedy, there’s only like 20 minutes of horror, which is too bad as there’s material to mine instead of a prolonged rooftop chase scene. If this was a studio production, it’d probably just get 2 pumpkins, but given it’s $200k budget and at-the-time unknown cast, it’s a solid first feature for Jeremy Saulnier and Macon Blair, who went on to make some truly great films. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

National Lampoon’s Class Reunion - Flat out awful; neither a comedy nor a horror. Writer John Hughes claims he was fired from production, though that doesn’t hold much water considering he’s credited as “Girl with bag on head” and went on to write several other Lampoon movies. Director Michael Miller didn’t make another feature film for almost thirty years, which wasn’t long enough. 0 out of 5 pumpkins.

Near Dark - Kathryn Bigelow‘s sophomore film is hampered by its ultimate ending, but the story is original and well produced. Even Bill Paxton’s over-the-top performance is enjoyable. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Worst. Vampire. Ever.

The Neon Demon - A spiritual successor to Suspiria, this film from Drive director Nicolas Winding Refn is beautifully shot, but ultimately empty. While both Jena Malone and Keanu Reeves breathe life into their small roles, the cast of models rarely shine. The horrific ending goes a step too far without lingering long enough to truly shock. Though much better than the extremely similar Starry Eyes, it’s difficult to give this film a higher rating. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Worth watching for a couple standout scenes. 

Night of the Living Dead - Viewed today the film seems almost tame, but in 1968 it was lambasted for being too gorey and sparked calls for censorship. And to its credit, there wasn’t anything else like it at the time. Romero’s incredibly small budget, Duane Jones‘s great performance, and the film’s unintended symbolism make its success all the more impressive. Kudos to MoMA and The Film Foundation for restoring this important piece of cinema history. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. I argue this is a sci-fi film, if you think about it.

A Night to Dismember (The "Lost" Version) - This version appeared on YouTube in the summer of 2018, decades after it was originally filmed. The version that was released in 1989 on VHS, and later in 2001 on DVD, was entirely re-shot with adult film actress Samantha Fox after a disgruntled processing employee destroyed the original negatives. The re-shoot gave the released version of movie its “sexplotation” vibe that director Doris Wishman was know for producing, but he original version is more of a straight-forward psychotic slasher movie with only a scene of campy nudity and stars Diana Cummings, instead of Fox. Gone is the striptease, sex hallucinations, detective character, and asylum plot that were slapped together in the released version, leaving a still somewhat jumbled story of a young woman who goes on a killing spree after becoming possessed by her dead mother, who died in pregnancy, leaving her an orphan. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Poor Mary. Poor Vicki.

Nightmare on Elm Street - Why this movie sparked a generations-long series is almost as puzzling as how Children of the Corn pulled it off as well. The movie flat out ignores basic storytelling devices. Recalling the overall plot, you’re not even sure if the main character is better off alive or dead, given the horrifying reality she already exists within. Consider this: Her father is an authoritarian cop leading the world’s worse police force and her mother is a drunk, possessive vigilante arsonist. University doctors are so inept they focus solely on Colonial-era medicine to the point of ignoring a metaphysical phenomenon, believing teenage girls are attention-starved enough to smuggle hats embroidered with a dead child-killer’s name inside their vaginas to a sleep deprivation study. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. So much for the classics. At least this gave us the future gift of inspiring Home Alone-style defense antics.

Not of This Earth (1988) - This film, and I mean that artistically, was made because the director, Jim Wynorskin, bet he could remake the original on the same inflation-adjusted budget and schedule as the 1957 version by Roger Corman. Traci Lords makes her non-adult film debut and is a better actor than the rest of the cast combined. The gem isn’t so bad it’s good, it’s so godawful it’s incredible. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. I was looking for the trashiest horror movie on Netflix, and I believe I have found it.

One Cut of the Dead - Know as little as possible going into this one. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. It’s impossible to not enjoy this film.

One Dark Night - Starts out interesting, but quickly gets forgetable even with the central location of a haunted cemetery. Worth putting on the background. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Aaaaaadddaaaammmm Weeeeessssst.

The Others - Well-paced, nicely shot, superior acting by Nicole Kidman, ominous tone through out, great ending. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. One of my personal favorites.

Pan's Labyrinth - del Torro’s best work, combining the tinges of war dread and the fantastical elements that would go on to be a key part of his other films. Pale Man is one of the creepiest monsters to ever be captured on screen. Perhaps the biggest horror is that though you’ll cheer for the anarchists, the historical fact is that the Nationalists won and established a dictatorship for nearly forty years. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. No god, no country, no master.

The People Under the Stairs - When the main character of a horror movie would be better placed in a zany after-school sitcom, the entire story is bound to fail. Little did I know how far. Twin Peaks actors aside, the rest of the this movie is so convoluted and poorly explained that it made me hate Panic Room somewhat less. They can't all be winners. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. At the end of this movie, a house explodes and money rains down on poor, mostly black people. Thanks, Wes Craven!

Pet Sematary (2019) - Uninspiring, uneven, and mostly uneventful. 1 out of 5 pumpkins.

Poltergeist - If you haven't seen this Steven Speilberg produced & written, but not directed horror movie, it's worth a modern viewing. Original, yet tinged with all the classic elements of fear, this movie manages to tug on the heartstrings like a family-friendly drama while still being creepy as hell. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. The best, most expensive Holiday Inn commercial ever made.

Pontypool - Good, but not as great as hyped. Characters are introduced haphazardly and the explanation for the horror barely tries to make sense. Still, not bad for a movie with essentially three characters stuck in a single location. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Possession (1981) - Described by some die-hard horror fans as a “must see,” I guess I agree. It’s by no means a masterpiece, but it’s bizarre enough to take the time to check out. It’s a sort of Cold War psychological horror as if written by Clive Barker and directed by David Cronenberg. Of course that comparison is necessary for American readers, but Polish director Andrzej Żuławski is an art-house favorite, whose second film was banned by his home government, causing him to move to France. Often panned for “over acting,” Isabelle Adjani actually won best actress at Cannes in 1981. Though, you may find one particular scene as if Shelley Duvall is having a bad acid trip. Part of the appeal of seeing this film is the difficulty in finding a copy. The DVD is out of print, and the new Mondo Blu-ray is limited to 2,000 copies at $70 a piece. Good luck. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. If you’re looking for something weird and very European, seek it out.

Prometheus - Perhaps because Ridley Scott’s return the franchise was expected to be such a welcome refresher after the abysmal failures of others in the series, this one was a pretty big let down. Though there are some cool concepts and frightening scenes, there are anger-inducing plot mistakes and zero sympathetic characters. Michael Fassbender’s performance is terrific, yet not enjoy to be an enjoyable view. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Psycho - Not as great at The Birds, but still one of the best. The superb shots, painfully slow clean up of the first kill, it’s no wonder why the film is landmark for horror. Anthony Perkins is tremendous. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Remember when Gus Van Sant remade this shot-for-shot for literally no reason and lost $30 million? It’s like he has to make one really terrible bomb after each critical hit and then crawl back again.

Pumpkinhead - The production quality of this 80s horror flick is surprisingly high, especially the Henson-like monster. Long story short - asshole dude bro accidentally kills hick kid, hick father calls up demon to seek revenge. All in all, not a bad movie. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Given the title, the monster's head in this movie is shockingly not very pumpkin-like. Boo.

A Quiet Place - John Krasinski gets a lot of credit for playing a well-intentioned father, which is an easier bridge to his well-known character from The Office, rather than a military member, like in many of his other projects. Emily Blunt is wonderful as is Millicent Simmonds. The creatures are scary, reminiscent of The Demogorgon in Stranger Things, and the plot is decent, even without much of an ending. I’ll be honest, I didn’t really want to enjoy this film as much as I did. It seemed too “mainstream.” And, it is. But it’s also a well-executed, well-acted, well-produced product, which is much more difficult to pull off than it sounds. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Worth recommending to friends who aren’t even horror fans.

Rabid - No where near the level of Cronenberg’s best or even his subsequent film The Brood, but still very good. Apparently Cronenberg wanted Sissy Spacek to play the lead, but was shot down by the producers. Obviously Marilyn Chambers was selected to play up the porn star angle in the hopes of greater marketing for the indie, horror film out of Canada, but she does a great job in her first mainstream role. If you like any Cronenberg has done, you should watch this one. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Raw - A terrific coming-of-age, sexual-awakening, body-horror film that manages to retain its heart even as it pushes the limits. One of the best horror movies of the last decade. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Nom-nom.

Re-Animator - Creepy actor Jeffrey Combs is also in The Frighteners, which makes it a good nod in that flick. "Say hello to these, Michael!" When you see it, you'll get it. What can be said of this movie? It's crazy. It's great. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Gory, campy, funny and scary all at once, a definite classic.

Ready or Not - I wouldn’t go so far as to call this movie “clever,” but it’s certainly better than its absurd premise. Samara Weaving’s performance is really the only thing that keeps people watching. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Killing all the attractive help is played off as a joke, but . . . it’s not? At least rich people die.

Repulsion - After having to listen to her sister being drilled by some limey prick night after night in their shared apartment and a series of unwanted street advances triggers her past trauma, a young woman rightfully kills a stalker turned home intruder and her rapist landlord. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Return of The Living Dead  - This movie doesn’t give a wink and nod to horror tropes, it reaches out of the fourth wall to slap you in the face to create new ones. There’s an entire character that is just naked the whole movie. I understand that just because it’s a joke it doesn’t mean it’s not still sexist. But, also, you know, boobs. 4 out 5 pumpkins. What was created as camp became the foundation for modern zombies.

Return of the Living Dead III - A love story of sorts that takes a more series turn than the original. At first, I didn’t enjoy the uneven balance of camp and earnestness, but it oddly grows on you. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Worth watching to see what you think.

The Ritual - A Netflix original that is better than it needs to be about regret, trauma, and fear that gets right into the action and wraps fairly satisfying. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Rosemary's Baby - If you're looking for a sure party killer this October, put on this number and watch your guests fall asleep! Often forgot, the beginning and end of Rosemary's Baby are terrifying, expertly filmed scenes of dread, but the middle is a two-hour wink to the film's conclusion revolving around an expectant mother. Still, few other films can capture fear the way Polanski's does; all the more impressive that it stands up today. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. If you haven't seen this film, you owe it to yourself to watch it this season.

Scanners - Cronenberg’s 1981 film feels like a much more successful version of what De Palma attempted with The Fury. Dark, paranoid, and ultra-gory in key scenes, Scanners isn’t quite the perfect sci-fi horror, but it’s damn close. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Scream - For a movie that birthed an annoying amount of sequels and spoofs, it's sort of sad that Wes Craven's meta-parody ended up creating a culture of the very movies he was trying to rail against. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Worth watching again, even if you saw it last year.

Sea Fever - A good, but not great, tense thriller on sea. Plus, an important lesson in quarantine. Ultimately, it doesn’t go far enough to present its horror. A well-made, and even well-paced film with a limited cast and sparse special effects, though. There’s nothing explicitly “wrong” as the movie progresses, but a tighter script and bigger ratcheting of the horror could have made it a classic. The ending is kinda cheesy the more I think about it. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Could’ve used a sex scene with some impending doom is all I’m saying!

The Sentinel - I really wanted to love this one. Downstairs lesbians! Birthday parties for cats! Late 70s New York! Alas, its shaky plot and just baffling lack of appropriate cues make it mostly a jumbled mess only worth watching if that slow-burn 70s horror aesthetic is your thing. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Shallows - Mostly a vehicle for Blake Lively’s launch from TV to the big screen, this movies isn’t particularly good or bad. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. The shark has a powerful vendetta against Lively. What did she do?!

Shaun of the Dead - First in Three Flavours Cornetto, some of the jokes don’t land as well as they did in 2004, but still a great spin on the zombie genre with loads of laughs and a bit of heart. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Shining - The pinnacle of the form. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. "So why don't you start now and get the fuck outta here!" Harsh, but come on, Wendy kinda sucks.

Shivers - Cronenberg’s 1975 shocker flick is . . . fine. You certainly get to see how some of his body horror themes started. Cronenberg himself seems to see it as more of a film to watch to understand what not to do as a young director. If you’re a completist, definitely check it out. Otherwise just skip to 1977′s Rabid, if you’re looking for Cronenberg’s earlier work. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Not bad considering it was shot in two weeks.

Silent Night, Deadly Night - Whoo, boy. This one’s a ride. A decidedly anti-PC flick that caused calls for boycotts when it was first released, this movie is full of assault and uncomfortable situations. It’s also hilarious, gory, and worth watching in a large group. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Punish.

Sleepaway Camp - I must be missing something, because like Children of the Corn, I can’t understand why this movie became a cult-classic. A guy who openly talks about wanting to rape children is gruesomely maimed, so there’s that? I guess. A couple of these “kids” are definitely 34, while others are 14. Is this the basis for Wet Hot American Summer? I don’t know or care. 2 out 5 pumpkins. Just watch Friday the 13th.

Slither - Almost on the level of other spoofs, but with a few groan-worthy moments. Definitely one to watch if looking for something fun. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Not for the bug fearing.

The Slumber Party Massacre - Rita Mae Brown wrote this movie as a parody of the slasher genre that spawned so many Halloween copycats. It’s a bit unfortunate that we didn’t get her version. Author of pioneering lesbian novel Rubyfruit Jungle, Brown’s script was turned into a more straight-forward flick, giving the movie some baffling humor, like when one of the girls decides to eat the pizza from the dead delivery boy, and some untended humor, like the Sylvester Stallone issue of Playgirl. Lesbians undertones still prevail, as do lingering shots of gratuitous nudity, and enough phallic symbolism to write a paper about. All in all, a fun, albeit uneven movie with pretty decent dialogue. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Fun fact: Director Amy Holden Jones got her start as an assistant on Taxi Driver, passed on editing E.T. after Roger Corman offered to finance early filming for her directorial debut, and later went on to write Mystic Pizza, Beethoven, Indecent Proposal, and The Relic. Bonus fact: Playgirl was able to get nude photos of Stallone based on his first movie The Party at Kitty and Stud’s (aka The Italian Stallion), for which Stallone was reportedly paid $200 to star in during a period in his life when he was desperate and sleeping in a New York bus station.

The Slumber Party Massacre II - If the first movie was a knock-off of Halloween, this is a bizarre rip-off of The Nightmare on Elm Street with a rockabilly twist. It’s hard to tell if this is a parody or a sort of musical vehicle for the Driller Killer, who—to his credit—is somehow almost charismatic enough to it pull off. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. Somehow the weirdest movie I’ve ever watched.

The Slumber Party Massacre III - A return to form, in some respects. All the elements of the original are there: a slumber party, gratuitous nudity, a drill. But the driller killer’s poor-man’s Patrick Bateman character quickly becomes tired. Not terrible for a slasher flick, but not very good either. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. How many lamps to the head can Ken take? 

Species - If I asked you to name a movie staring Sir Benjamin Kingsley, Alfred Molina, Forest Whitaker and Michelle Williams, would you guess Species? No, no you fucking wouldn't. We all know Species, but I, like most, erased it from my memory. This was helpful for two reasons: first because for about the first half of the movie, you think there might be a decent flick happening - baring some obvious flaws of a blockbuster. Second because - holy shit - you get to see a ton of naked breasts in this movie, like way more than I remember. Unfortunately, about halfway through Species someone must have come in and realized having the B-squad Scully & Mulder be one step behind every instinct killing was boring as shit, and flashing tits every 20 mins wasn't going to hack it. Whatever Hollywood dickbag crafted this turd failed to realize the casting of the actor forever known as Bud from Kill Bill is the only white, macho-postering character that morons want to root for. And so we get a squint-faced protagonist getting blow jobs from a coworker scientist and an ending dumber than the boob tentacles he should have been strangled with. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. There are worse horror movies, but there are also much better ones.

Starry Eyes - A thinly-veiled critique on Hollywood’s abusive history with actresses, the movie starts out well, but lags in the third act before a gruesome finale. Sort of a low-rent Mulholland Drive. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Watch out for that barbell, Ashley. 

The Stuff - Odd, mostly because of its uneven tone. Like if The Blob, The Live, and Canadian Bacon raised a baby and that disappointed its parents, like all babies eventually do. There are some good horror and comedic moments, but none of which make it great. The sound editing is remarkably bad, and the poor cuts make no sense given its scope. Oh well. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Suspiria - More of a focus on set, sound, and color than characters, Suspiria is reminiscent of the Japanese classic House, but with a more straightforward story. The Italian director, English language, and German setting make for an interesting, offbeat feel that adds to the overall weirdness of the movie. One cringe worthy scene in particular makes up for its immediate lack of logic, and the soundtrack by Goblin stands up on its own. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Sexist note: there’s a shocking lack of boobs given the subject matter.

Suspiria (2018) - Another in a long line of unnecessary remakes, though technically more of an homage. Luca Guadagnino’s version was supposedly developed for years alongside Tilda Swinton, who plays three different characters. Truthfully, without any attachment to the original, this could have been a muddled, but remarkable film. Thom Yorke’s score is perfect in certain scenes, yet detracting in others. The plot is similar in this manner. Some scenes are haunting and dense, but others needlessly detailed. The dance scenes are terrific, but weighed down by the larger war themes. The ending’s gore-fest is hampered by too much CGI, but still demonically fun. Fans of the original won’t find the weird, colorful elements to love, but it’s a good movie, albeit thirty minutes too long. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Taking of Deborah Logan - Good premise; found footage in the vein of Blair Witch Project of a demon possession disguised as Alzheimer’s disease. But, the movie can’t decide if it wants to stick to its foundation of a student documentary or veer into the studio-style editing and affects of theatrical release. Which is unfortunate as the former would have made it stand-out among a pack of mediocre ghost stories, while the later distracts from the setting it seeks to establish. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Teeth - A movie about the myth of vagina dentata could have been absolutely deplorable, but with the bar so low, Teeth does a pretty good job. Jess Weixler is a functional actress, not necessarily stand-out, but certainly far better than the role requires. Trying to tightrope walk between comedy and horror is never a task a creator should set out upon without a clear vision. Unfortunately, this one seems a bit blurry. One its release, Boston Globe said the movie “runs on a kind of angry distrust toward boys.” Not bad advice. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Terrifier - Do you want to see a naked woman hung upside down and sawed from gash to forehead? Then this is the movie for you. That’s it. There’s not much else here. Gino Cafarelli is good as the pizza guy. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. The clown is scary, though.

The Terror - A classic haunted throwback from Roger Corman, but without the nudity and gore his later work is infamous for. A young Jack Nicholson proves he was always kind of a prick. Boris Karloff does his best. The plot is pretty boring, but it’s a decent movie that you might stumble upon on a lazy afternoon on cable TV. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre - Tobe Hooper’s 1974 persuasive argument for vegetarianism is just as terrifying today as it was when it was released. Just as Halloween launched a thousand imitators, the hues and low angles in this film set the standard for horror for years and, unfortunately, laid the groundwork for more exploitative movies offered referred to as “torture porn.” Though gory, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre’s sense of weird dread is established well before the chainsaw rips, and though many have tried to follow in its footsteps, none have captured the lighting that adds to the overall queasy moments of the film. There’s a kind of simplistic beauty to such unexplained brutality, and perhaps because it was first, all others since haven’t seemed as artistically valuable. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. So, umm, what do you think happened to the Black Maria truck driver?

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003) - The only decent carry over from this remake is John Larroquette as the narrator. Over-washed tones, over-the-top gore and unsympathetic characters make this film more than unnecessary, placing among the worst horror remakes of all time. Robert Ebert gave it one of his rare 0 stars, reserved for works he found genuinely appalling such as I Spit On Your Grave, The Human Centipede 2, and most infamously John Waters’s Pink Flamingos. 1 out of 5 pumpkins.

They Live - “I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass… And I'm all out of bubblegum." 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Thing - Trying to give this film an honest review is almost impossible. Cast out on its release for being too bizarre and gory, Carpenter’s nihilist tale has since come to be seen as a masterpiece for its special effects, bleak tone, and lasting impact on other creators. Is it perfect? No, but it’s damn close. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. MacReady’s assimilated. Deal with it.

Train to Busan - A bit too predictable, but a solid, well-paced zombie action flick that’s smarter than most American blockbusters from Korean director Yeon Sang-ho, who is better known for his semi-autobiographical animated features. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Tucker & Dale vs. Evil - I really didn't expect much out of this movie, but it's actually really, really funny and a really gory spoof. Not quite on the scale of The Cabin in the Woods, but still pretty damn great. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. If you don't think people getting hacked up by a chainsaw in certain contexts can be funny, then this probably ain't your bag.

Twins of Evil - An enjoyable, somewhat smutty vampire movie from the famous British studio Hammer Films, staring Peter Cushing and Playboy Playmates the Collinson twins. Directed by John Hough, who also directed The Legend of Hell House, the film doesn’t break any new ground and is loaded with over-acting, but it’s well-paced, wonderfully set, and generally fun to watch, where the Puritan witchfinders are just as horrible as the vampires. Not as great as Black Sunday, but still worth viewing. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Let Joachim speak, you racists.

Under the Skin - Mesmerizing and haunting. The less you know going into this film the better. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Quite possibly Scarlett Johansson’s best work.

Under the Silver Lake - Technically a “comedic neo-noir,” whatever the fuck that means; in any case David Robert Mitchell (It Follows) tries to do too much over too long of a run time. Andrew Garfield gives a decent performance, especially considering he’s in almost every frame of the film. But the edge-of-subtly that made It Follows so modern and terrifying is replaced by a silk, wandering, and heavy-handed stroll through the powerful Los Angeles entertainment Illuminati. Certainly there’s material there, but instead of being a radical stab at the very real institutions of pop-culture that treat young women as nothing more than disposable meat, we drift in and out of a young man’s lust that revels in objectification without the sleazy charm of exploitation flicks or the critical eye of outright satire. Even the eerily presence of the Owl Woman can’t level-up what is an exercise in arrested development for hipsters. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Despite this negative review, Mitchell still has plenty of potential to make another great film. Whether he deserves that chance is different question.

Us - Jordan Peele’s second film is even better than his great debut. Us isn’t perfect, but hints at what Peele could create in the future. Unnecessary explanation and slightly oddly timed humor are present, like in Get Out, but more restrained. Peele’s talent for making modern horror accessible to the widest audience is laudable. Still, I can’t wait to see what he makes two or three films down the road. I suspect more than one could come close to equaling that of Kubrik’s The Shinning. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. 

Vampire’s Kiss - Is it a horror? Is it a comedy? Is it a parody? Drama? This movie truly defies genre due to the inexplicable acting choices made by Nicholas Cage. His odd affectation doesn’t change from sentence to sentence, but word to word. It’s like he’s trying to play three different characters across three different acts all at once. Is it good? Not really. But, I mean, see it. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Vampyros Lesbos - After vigorous encouragement from my academic colleagues, I decided to watch this 1971 Spanish-German film for, umm, science. Shot in Turkey and staring the tragic Soledad Miranda, Jesús Franco’s softcore horror jumps right into full-frontal nudity and attempts a sort of story involving Count Dracula that moves forward through uninteresting monologues and shaky camera work. It’s not awful, but there’s no reason to watch it. If it was playing in the background at a dive bar, it might have a tinge of charm. Other than some close moments of near-unapologetic queer sex, despite being created almost entirely for the male gaze, it’s just another in the pile of European exploitation. Still, it’s fun to daydream about Istanbul being ruled by a dark-haired demonic lesbian; beats the hell out of what we have in our reality. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. Fun fact: The soundtrack found renewed fame in 1990′s Britain, causing it to finally find distribution into America.

The Vault - A serviceable, but ultimately boring horror take on a bank heist that tries to hard to end with a twist. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

V/H/S - Every review I've seen for this movie is generally positive, but that only reaffirms my belief that most people are easily pleased by unintelligent, unoriginal bullshit. A Blair Witch-style story-within-a-story collection of shorts, I couldn't get past the first borderline date-rape, little-girl, sexually confused, monster story. Fuck this trope. Fuck this movie. The much delayed glorification of grisly murder of the offending male villains is hardly radical and only further supports the stereotypes of patriarchy much as it attempts to subvert a worn genre. 0 out of 5 pumpkins. I hate the world.

Videodrome - Cronenberg’s best film. James Woods’s best role; it’s a shame that he’s total piece of shit in real life. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Long live the new flesh.

The Wailing - Despite clocking in at over two and half hours, this part zombie/part demon horror movie from Korean director Na Hong-jin isn’t a slow burn, but rather an intriguing maze of twists and turns as the main character (and audience) struggles to find the truth about a mysterious, murderous diseases sweeping through a small village. Actor Do-won Kwak gives an especially captivating performance. Though the ending packs a powerful punch, the overlapping lies and half-truths told over the course of the film makes it a bit difficult to suss out the evil roots. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

We Are Still Here - What sets out as a slowly paced ghost story turns into something of a gore-fest towards the ends, which doesn’t make it bad so much out of place. 3 out fo 5 pumpkins. Could’ve been a contender.

We Are What We Are - A remake of Jorge Michel Grau’s 2010 film, the American version takes its time getting to the horror before going a step too far at the end. Still, the ever-present knowledge that you’re watching a cannibal film makes some of predictable moments all-the-more horrifying. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Wes Craven’s New Nightmare - The novel charm of Craven’s meta Freddy saga has worn with age. Heather Langernkamp is passable, but not enough to carry the film and Robert Englund out of makeup shatters the pure evil illusion of his character. Interesting to see some of the ideas that would later synthesize in Scream, but otherwise kind of a bore. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Witch: A New-England Folktale - A deeply unsettling period-piece that reflects on American religion and its violent fear of feminine power. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Trust no goat.

The Witches - Roald Dahl’s story is ultimately crushed by a changed ending, however, Nicolas Roeg‘s adaptation up to that point is a fun, creepy movie people of any age can enjoy. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. It’s really a shame the original ending was changed.

Wolfcop - When a movie’s title promises so much, maybe it’s not fair to judge. But there’s so much campy potential in a werewolf cop picture that it’s kind of a bummer to see it executed at level that makes you wonder if it wasn’t made by high school kids whose favorite movie is Super Troopers. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. God, the movie’s horrible.

The World’s End - The final chapter in the Three Flavours Cornetto and the best, showcasing a wealth of talent at the top of their game. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

XX - Admittedly, I don’t care much for the recent spring of short horror anthologies. Rarely do they have enough time to build the necessary suspense horror movies require. Still, two of the shorts are OK, one is pretty good, and one is bad. So, not a total loss. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

You’re Next - Home-invasion horror as never been my cup of hippie tea as it feeds into the 2nd Amendment hero fantasy of American males. That said, this dark-comedy take on it isn't bad. Some things don’t really add up. For example: Are you telling me that the deep woods home of a former defense corporation employee doesn’t have a single gun stashed somewhere? Bullshit. Anyway, who doesn’t want to see a rich family’s bickering dinner interrupted by a gang of psycho killers? 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Bonus rating: 6 out of 10 would fuck in front of their dead mother. (Sorry, mom.)

Zombeavers - No one would say this is a good movie, but it also doesn’t take itself too seriously. Not at funny as Tucker & Dale vs. Evil, and certainly more formulaic, this one’s only worth watching if you’re bored. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Zombi 2 - Lucio Fulci’s unofficial sequel to Dawn of the Dead is one of his best films. But even though Fulci crafted some of the best zombies to ever appear on screen—filmed in the bright, Caribbean sun, the film suffers, as most of his do, from some unnecessary, borderline confusing plot points and poor dubbing. Still, well worth watching on a lazy day, especially for the final act, when the protaganists fight off a zombie hoard inside a burning church. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Bonus: topless scuba diving zombie shark fight, which is also my new DJ name.

#Horror Movies #horror #film #movie #movies #films #film criticism #movie critic #movie critique #halloween #halloween movie #a24 #a24 films #a24 movies #campy horror #ghost #ghosts #demon #demons #witch #witchcraft #witches #monster #monsters #werewolves #werewolf #vampire #vampires #murder #scifi

[skekteksfurby]

remenicing on stuff in germany/austria:

i actually understand the language

back when I was like 5-7 years old I’d watch Blue’s Clues on Super RTL/Toggo each day during winter vacation (we were there for wintersports) and it’d always be the exact same episode each day for a week long or something

i learned about 40% of my early german just by watching the Heidi anime in German. Mom would never let me watch the dutch dub (if there even was any back then) so I just kinda was forced to learn to understand in order to understand the plot. I’m using those words loosely, though, since we only had the VHS’s of certain episodes and they’d often be out of order. I don’t think I’ve seen the series finale to this day. I just know heidi lives with her grandpa in this mountain house and then she’s taken away to frau rottenmaier and befriends the girl in the wheelchair (clara? idk i haven’t watched this show since i was 8).

the vibes alpine austrian villages give me... very good

the fact that you can just come across cows, horses or goats walking around pretty much freely in summers on the mountains

klettersteig! (via ferrata)

One time my family went climbing in summer while I stayed behind (i tried the first part, but it proved too tough for me, so i went back quickly) so I just hung around while they were doing that for over 3 hours and the sun was burning and i didn’t put on any sunscreen and kind of fell asleep on one of those lounging chairs at the restaurant near the gondola lift and then when they came back my lower legs were literally red. crimson. blood red. i have never seen someone with such sunburnt legs before. it hurt like shit the next few days and when wearing shorts you’d just see these red parts on my lower legs it was ridiculous

I used to visit this tiny village called Bichlbach and they have a rent apartment + farm + horse/pony stables there and I befriended a billy goat called Bärli back there when I was very little. We went back to that place several years in a row both in summer and winters and I always really connected to Bärli and I’d like to think he to me too? He never showed any hostile or fearful behavior, at least. Unfortunately, last time we went back there, little of the goats were left, and my friend Bärli had passed away just months before, so I never got to give him a proper goodbye :( I have a picture of him, though

In the same village, there was a “Märchenwald” (fairy tale forest) that was left unattended and abandoned, you could simply get in by paying and entering this part of the person’s house, which had animatronics and puppets portraying famous fairy tales in Austria. It was really creepy because there was no one else there and you’re basically alone with all of these puppets. It gave me nightmares.

Also in the Bärli-house, they have taxidermy and a red deer skull mounted to the wall. This used to scare the literal SHIT out of me when I was like 7-10 and I’d literally have sleepless nights over it. How the turntables...

Each year during New year they broadcast Andre Rieu concerts and I think that’s aight (last time I checked)

haha cow bell go ring 

During the december holidays a shitton of tv networks will be broadcasting really good movies just on tv. I once had a marathon where i watched the golden compass, narnia 1 and the two towers all in one sitting, just with commercial breaks. The only slight downside (to me) is that they don’t do subtitles in Austria/Germany, so everything’s dubbed. But honestly, unlike Dutch actors, I actually can stand their voice acting. 

Speaking of that version of the golden compass, it was heavily censored, especially the violence. The iorek/ragnar fight lasted for really shortly and they cut off things like ragnar getting his jaw knocked off. idk why this is because we don’t censor most shit in the netherlands. 

One time last year I watched lord of the rings fellowship of the ring two days in a row. they just deadass showed the same awesome movie on different times. I had a good time. 

i love how most tv networks have really cheerful and friendly mascots and then there’s just the German network KiKa which has a depressed loaf of bread with hands (only hands, no arms).  

a statue of Bernd das Brot (the bread mascot) was once stolen and according to the thieves bernd had developed stockholm syndrome.

Visiting Freiburg.

Whenever we’d go there we’d always eat at the McDonalds besides the arch. I’d also visit the Müller and a toy store that nowadays no longer exists and buy a shitton of Schleich figurines there. 

i cursed in the giant cathedral of freiburg (altocelarophobia, man)

ENGLISH IST MEIN LIEBLINGSFACH, LIEBLINGSFACH, LIEBLINGSFACH

when I was tiny and I couldn’t watch the Heidi VHS’s I’d watch Sendung Mit Der Maus.

It seems to be a yearly thing for them to broadcast cheap Christmas movies on the TV channels idk

German spongebob is all that I’m saying

Okay I’ll elaborate: Squidward’s german name is Thaddeus. 

me literally dreading going to dornbirn’s natural history museum because it had taxidermy in it 

me also dreading going to the vienna natural history museum but that actually becoming really enjoyable and a turning point in my taxidermy phobia

i still had altocelarophobia though, and the museum is in a beautiful yet high as fuck building

Dad bought me my wolf plush I came to call Nava in the vienna NHM store. He ended up becoming one of my comfort objects during my depression rip (left of Bolt)

I saw my first thylacine in the vienna NHM!

visiting schönnbrunn palace

Vistiting the zoo there as well

sensory overload at the Prater 

seeing real the real vienna lippizaner horses and realizing that they are probably worth more in money than me

back in bichlbach and lermoos visiting the “lermoos shops” (so-called by us) where we’d buy our souvenirs (for me usually papo figurines and animal plushies)

bad wifi in apartments we’d rent

i once fell so hard during skiing that i rolled like 10-20 meters down the slope with one ski on (the other one got stuck in a pile of snow)

one time before i could properly ski i took the ski lift to the top of a red slope and then i was stuck there because i couldn’t get down (i was hardly even on blue level yet) so yeah that happened.

probably my favorite was the haunted tv in one of our apartments. it’d just turn on by itself for whatever reason. you could turn it off, but it’d turn itself back on within mere minutes. last year when we went back to the apartment the tv didn’t do this anymore but it did for a few days another time and i just thought it was kinda funny.

May make a sequel post to this lol

#tekrim text #just feeling nostalgic #german stuff #tw animal death