#like. i was so depressed when i was 16-17 to the point where i thought i would kill myself before even graduating high school

[foolsocracy]

With all the age discourse around Spider-Man Noir right now, I thought I’d compile parts of the comic that imply his age. I want to state that this pulling from his 2009-2010 comic run before the time skip, specifically the first volume. The spiderverse movie has taken a lot of liberties with the characters, so it is very possible that what Peters age is in 1933 in the comics is NOT what his age is in 1933 in the movies.

Peter’s age is not directly stated in his 1st comic run (I can’t speak for the 2020 ones because it has been a while since I read them, plus there’s like a 10 year jump). It IS however heavily implied that he is young. So much so that you can’t seem to go more than a page without someone referencing it.

Like, these all happen in the same scene. The writers beat you over the head with it.

In this issue alone Peter is called both “son” and “sonny” once, “boy” twice, and “kid” 8 times. Outside nouns, he is also referred to as young, and when Urich brings him to The Black Cat, Felicia calls it “babysitting.” Urich also asks Peter if he is “allowed out after midnight” but after some research I can’t seem to find any evidence of NYC having juvenile curfews at this point in time, though they did exist in lots of towns in the late 1800s and early 1900s because of child labor laws. I think this instance is just Pete just being young and an adult being concerned about his well-being.

It is also mentioned in this volume, and again in Eyes Without a Face (vol 2), that Peter wants to go to college in the future and is currently studying & saving up money to do so. This alone doesn’t necessarily mean he’s under 18 as there isn’t a max age to apply for college, plus Peter comes from a poor family during the Great Depression. It wouldn’t surprise me if he started college later than usual because of that (lack of funds & catching up due to not being in school/working).

There is other evidence that does imply he is under 18 though— he’s too young to drink alcohol!

Spider-Man Noir Vol 1 issue 1 starts in January 1933 before jumping back three weeks to December 1932 where Ben Urich meets Peter Parker

It is during December 1932 that he meets Felicia Hardy who owns the speakeasy The Black Cat. Prohibition is still in place and won’t be overwritten until a year later in December 1933. It is important to note that before Prohibition was instated, the drinking age in New York was 18 years old. That law is what the characters reference when they discuss drinking age. And most importantly, Peter doesn’t deny the fact that he’s too young to drink. He just snarks back in true Parker fashion

This is the most concrete evidence there is towards Peter being under 18 in the noirverse. It can even be argued that Peter is under 17 with how easily Felicia picks up on the fact that he’s underage (and that she does so from a distance might I add, as seen in the ‘babysitting’ panel).

There is also a panel where JJJ refers to Peter as an “orphan.” By definition, an orphan is a kid under 18. This is JJJ, so this can be taken with a grain of salt as he loves good ol hard-hitting words. When people speak they don’t always use words by their exact definitions; sometimes if you’re young and your parents are dead, JJJ is going to label you an orphan even if ur a legal adult lol. But if you take this at face value it’s definitely another indicator that Peter is under 18.

TLDR; Spider-Man Noir from his 2009-2010 comic run is most likely under 18, and can be argued to be 15-16+. If not that, then is definitely college aged or younger.

#Hoping praying the format is ok #Tumblr mobile is the death of me #Spider-Man noir #spiderman noir #spider noir #spiderverse #peter benjamin parker #hes just a little guy #ben urich #jj jameson #felicia hardy #Ok gn everyone #Snork memenemememee #If I wake up and the format is ass I’ll repost lol

[stvolanis]

Pretty Stars

PT .1

PT .2???

PAIRINGS: Elvis Presley x Rival! Rockstar! OC

WARNINGS: EATING DISORDERS, SUICIDAL THOUGHTS, EXPLOITATION, MENTIONS OF ABUSE, inaccurate time lines probably, this is more depressing than my other stories, age gap (OC is 19 and Elvis is 23), foul language, Elvis is an asshole but so is OC, typical rivalry things, enemies to lovers

NSFW WARNINGS: NONE, it will all be in part 2 if this does well :)

Don’t be shy, request something!!

˚ ꒰ა ☆ ໒꒱ ˚

Rosalee Marziel worked her ass off to get where she stood today, and she’d die before she let some stupid boy ruin it for her.

She’d lived in cities since she was a toddler, and growing up in such a hostile place causes you to realize that no one will help you but you. It took her losing her mother, her extended family, and a few boyfriends and flings to realize this. Once she had nothing, and was at rock bottom, of course she’d sign her life away. What more did she have to lose when everything was already lost?

The 1st amendment no longer felt like it applied to Rosalee. She was stripped bare of her former self, and instead embodied a new persona, Rose Marz. Rose Marz was confident, selfless, bold, and had no problems making a statement. She was a music, movie, and fashion icon all the way past France.

Truth was, she’d been groomed since she’d signed her life away when she was only 15. Groomed by the men around her who only wanted the greatest pleasures of life, and naive Rosalee Marziel was their ticket to that. ‘Wear less, and more of this’ they’d tell her as they held up skimpy playboy sets. She was 16. ‘More makeup, she’s aging.” They’d tell her makeup artists. She was 17. By the time she had reached 18, she’d corrected every little flaw they had pointed out. She spent hours covering acne scars, moles, and stretch marks.

She’d powder and cake herself in flawless natural makeup, which wasn’t so natural once you’d watch her apply a ton of it. She formed an eating disorder and lived off of eating Cesar salads with extra grilled chicken, and even then, she’d sometimes feel herself become sick. The smell, taste and feel of food made her vomit in her mouth. So, when she went to ball events, charity event, etc.; she’d stick to a glass of water and give tight lipped smiles when offered a plate of appetizers.

You’d think oranges were her favorite fruit, but she’d only eat them when she’d gain a pound or 2. Her stomach pains sometimes became unbearable, but beauty is pain, or at least that’s what her producers would tell her with money on their tongues. Sometimes she swore instead of feeling spit when they’d speak to her, she felt hard and cold coins. God forbid they found out she’d eaten that day, the comments would strike up.

The ones that formed her eating disorder in the first place. The ones that make her cry herself to sleep and curl into a ball. The ones that made her weep for her dead, junkie of a mother. The ones that made her throw up her insides till her stomach felt like it was trying to eat itself. And the ones that made her wanna not wake up the next day.

Roses first gig was a lousy bar her old manager booked for an hour. It’s one she’ll never forget, I mean, it’s what sparked her love for preforming in every sense of the word. On stage, she didn’t have to be the broken shell of a little girl, especially not when she heard people cheering her name. The rush of adrenaline shot into her veins was addicting and was a high she’d strive to chase any moment she could. In those first moments, she felt like her body was on fire, and the words slipping from her mouth held every ounce of raw emotion she would never normally say.

She had something other rising female preforms didn’t have, and that was a genuine love for music. They didn’t have the same spark in their eyes like she did. They weren’t passionate about the lyrics they wrote or sang. The only reason they were famous was because of their sex appeal.

Climbing the ranks in a male dominated industry wasn’t an easy task by any means, but Rose managed to do it. She sunk her perfectly manicured claws into their backs to rise herself to get to where she was today. Past Carl Perkins, past Johnny Cash, even past Jerry Lee Lewis. She was at the top of her game.

Showered in every luxury she could imagine. Queen worthy jewelry, the latest and hottest cars, 3 mansions and 10+ houses stationed all around America. Her favorite house was stationed all the way in Milan, Italy. She had an endless list of ‘friends’ and men throwing themselves at her feet for even a glance, but she wasn’t naive anymore. She could see right through them with the x-ray vision she swore to herself she had.

Hell, even the Kennedys loved her.

But none of it was ever enough. None of it made the throbbing pains in her head, chest, and stomach stop. It didn’t stop her from taking nearly lethal amounts of pills on her roughest days in hopes that just maybe she’ll find the courage to take a little more.

Rose was never satisfied with the life she had. And when they started throwing her in movies alongside people she didn’t care to know, she nearly lost herself. Rose? An actor? That couldn’t be right. She was a singer. But it’s what her fans wanted, which means it’s what her producers would make her do.

She was sure her fans adored her, and she was grateful that they did, but a small part of her detested them. A small part of her had wished she’d never became famous. If she knew this would be her at only 19 years old, she would’ve ran away from that man with a few papers and a pen all the way to across the globe. But she could never bring herself to hate the people who got her to where she is today.

They are the only reason she’s able to live the way she does, after all. Those little girls who look up to her, dreaming of being in her shoes and, wishing to be like her when they get older and cheering her on from crowds will always be the reason she continues to preform. But how badly she wanted to cradle them and tell them ‘careful what you wish for.’ Because she wishes someone had told her.

Though she was at the top of her game, there was still one large obstacle in the form of a southern man.

Elvis Presley.

No matter how many movies she starred in, or how many songs she made—no matter how many awards she won and was nominated for, he always somehow managed to beat her. Not to mention the constant comparison she was always faced with when I came to him. ‘Elvis does this better’ her manager would start. ‘So you need to do this’. He’d say.

I learned how to dance, and Elvis was the star of a dance musical called ‘Copacabana’ the next day. I mentioned i knew how to draw, and all the sudden Elvis’ art was plastered in museums. The list goes on and on of him trying to out-do her an coming out successful. Naturally, Rose wouldn’t care, but at the end of the day it was her having to hear her entire management team on her ass. One time her producer even phoned in about it.

It was a constant battle between the two and it seemed like an endless cat and mouse game. Not to mention Elvis throwing loads of shade at her when he was in the press a few weeks prior. Since then, anytime she’s been asked about their ongoing rivalry in the press, she’s said the upmost worst things about him. If it was any other A list celebrity, her manager would have her head, but it was the 2 most hottest people in America going head to head like bulls. Obviously it would make both parties become a more popular subject, and the more publicity, the better.

And now they want Elvis and Rose to preform together for a Valentines special? Hah, they must be crazy to think they wouldn’t claw each others throats out. Rose had never dared to protest against anything her producers and managers had planned for her—the last time she did she was beaten. But this—this is the one thing she wouldn’t go down without a fight for. After a good year and give or take a few months of going against each other, why would they now want them to make amends? The damage had already been done.

Rose was fortunate enough of never having to actually meet the man talking the upmost shit about her in person, till now.

As she sat in her dressing room, she could swear her makeup was sweating itself off, resulting in her panicking. Her eye makeup was dark and bold, and her lips were a faded cherry red. The dark mole above the corner of her lip just barely peeking through her pounds of foundation. Her hair was was naturally a brunette, but her main manager thought blonde would be a better look on her. So now she sat with her blonde hair teased and overly large, adorned in pink and red flowers to match the Valentines theme.

Rose felt her confidence begin to dwell as she thought of every possible terrible outcome this show could bring. Her brows furrowing as she applied setting powder aggressively while thinking of beating that stupid man, Elvis Presley, to a pulp if he tainted her imagine in any way, shape, or form.

A knock on her dressing room door brought her out of her thoughts. “Miss Rose, it’s almost time.” An annoying feminine voice said from behind the door. Rose huffed as she got up. “Alright, give me a moment.” She yelled back as she began to dress herself.

They’d chosen a white, tight fitted turtle neck long sleeved shirt for her to wear, paired with a short, light pink dress to go over it and a large white belt fit around her waist to seem more slim. The knee high white leather boots and different shades of pink and red heart earrings pulled the whole look together as she stared at herself in the long mirror in front of her.

She smoothed her hands down her dress as she took in a long breath of air before she finally found the courage to leave her dressing room.

When she stepped out, the narrow backstage hallways parted like the Red Sea at her entrance. Her manager, a short old man with the personality of a donkeys ass, stumbled his way over to her.

“Ah, Rose! There you are, come.” He said urgently as he tightly gripped her upper arm. Rose didn’t get a chance to respond, and instead winced as she was dragged along with him to wherever he was taking her. Their walk wasn’t long as they stopped at a tall man with his back turned to them.

“Mr. Presley.” Her manager coughed out, making his prescene known. Rose fought an eye roll. The man turned around and Rose swore her jaw could’ve dropped right then and there. The pictures and interviews did him no justice, as he was even more good looking in person, much to Roses dismay. Nonetheless, this god of a man was still her biggest rival and the only person stopped her from being deemed ‘queen of rock n roll’ on every cover of The Rolling Stone Magazine

Screw him and his charming smile. She hated his stupidly perfect hair—and she wanted to pull the little strand hanging out on the front out of his head. She wanted to punch him in his perfectly chiseled jaw, and same with his nose. She didn’t like the fact that he easily towered over her, even in heels, so she thought about kicking him in the back of his knees to bring him to the ground where she thought he belonged— below her.

Elvis on the other hand felt his breath get caught in his throat and her nearly dropped the cup of water held in his hand. There she stood, in all her terrorizing glory, was Rose Marz. But Elvis’ eyes couldn’t help but linger on the chubby fingers tightly wrapped around her arm, almost in a painful manner.

How could this little thing be his biggest competition? She was so small. So pretty. So- “fuck you.” So vulgar. That was the first thing she’d ever said to him, and he’d remember it for the rest of his life. He would’ve been offended if it wasn’t for the fact that she was so damn cute with her furrowed brows and pouty red lips.

Her managers face went pale as a ghost. “Aha!! She meant hello!” He nervously laughed as he glared at Rose through the corner of his eye. The small girl let out a huff. “Elvis.” She acknowledged, sizing him up with a quirked brow. He felt a chuckle rumble deep in his chest.

Rose turned her head downward to hide the blush creeping onto her cheeks at his intense gaze, even as he talked to her manager. “That’s quite alright, Mr.Smith. How ya doin, Rose?” He said in that southern draw that made all the girls’ head spin and panties drop. Now Rose understood why, but she would never admit it aloud.

“Terrible since I seen you.” She said with an eye roll. Elvis pursed his lips. “I’m real sorry ‘bout what I said in the press about ya.” He replied with a nervous chuckle. Roses head shot up at that. “Liar!” She called out with a pointer finger.

“Jesus, Rose! Can’t you act civilized for one damn moment?!” Her manager screamed in her face. Rose went beat red in embarrassment, her hands clenched into fists. The old fat man looked at her pointedly. “Excuse my behavior, Mr.Presley.” She said through clenched teeth and false smile.

Elvis pondered for a moment as he took in the situation before him, before coming to a conclusion. “Lemme take ya to dinner to make up for it, Rose.” He said. Something boyish was swirling in his eyes and a certain hope was in his small smile he sent her way. Rose opened her mouth to reject his offer, but it seemed her manager had other plans. “Yes, of course she’ll go!” He answered for her.

Elvis merely glanced down at the obnoxious fat man. “I’d like for her to answer.” He stated with a glare. Rose paused. No one had ever stood up for her like that. No one batted an eye when people would yell at her, grab her, or even beat her to a pulp. She didn’t know what to think—or even how to act.

Her mouth was hung agape as he awaited her answer. “I—uh, sure.” She responded—seemingly in a daze as she gazed up at the taller man. His eyes danced all across her face before stopping at the mole she tried so desperately to hide. “Tomorrow night.” He said before his eyes snapped up to meet hers again.

Rose, absent minded, merely nodded her head.

“You’re on in 5!” Someone shouted over the loud backstage ruckus. That caught Roses attention as she quickly smoothed herself out and took in a deep breath. Elvis reached his hand out towards her. “Shall we?” He asked with a smirk.

Rose rolled her eyes as she slapped his hand away. “Let’s just get this over with.” She replied as she turned quickly away from him.

But Elvis didn’t miss the blush on her cheeks.

˚ ꒰ა ☆ ໒꒱ ˚

this wasn’t proofread

#70s elvis #elvis presley #elvis presley fandom #elvis presley fanfiction #elvis presley x reader #elvis presley x y/n #elvis x oc #elvis x reader #elvis fans #elvis presley fic

[writingforstraykids]

Addicted to you-Chp.16

Pairing: Minchan (brief mention of OT8)

Word Count: 4943

Summary: Chan takes the news better than expected and they end up having a casual date night. The next day Chan has a little surprise for him, making things official for the two of them in private.

Warnings/Tags: fluff, angst, hate comments, date night, they're just stupidly in love, fluffy shit, soft!insecure!minho, soft!protective!chan

Chp.15 | Chp. 17

"Why?" Chan asked, hesitantly.

"Why?" Minho repeated quietly. "Do I have to give you a profound reason so you'll allow me to?" he asked, a little sour.

Chan noticed the tension in his voice and quickly shook his head. "No, of course not. I just…wanted to know, I guess." Minho didn't answer and chewed on his lower lip nervously. "Do you want to tell me?" he added carefully.

"Because I still feel like shit, Chan, that's why," Minho finally said. "I can't just cover that up by playing a happy boyfriend, having amazing sex, and pretending in front of the kids."

Now, it was his turn to remain silent, unsure of how he should react to that. He opened his mouth but closed it again, feeling a little overwhelmed by the revelation. "Is it that bad that you're only pretending to be happy?" he asked hesitantly. Minho let go of his hands with a huff. "Minnie, don't get mad, I'm trying to understand you."

"Well, you're kind of fucking it up. Just forget I said anything," Minho said and tried to scoot away from him, wanting to get away from him. But Chan wrapped his arm around his torso, holding him close. "Chan."

"Don't run from me again. I mean it, I want to understand you. It's just the first time one of you approached me about something like this. I don't know what to say and I’m nervous. So if I seem insensitive, I'm sorry," he told him calmly. Minho groaned frustrated, but leaned his body against him once more. His mind screamed at him to distance himself. His body craved the warmth he’s just got back, after yearning for it for so long. "Please don’t shut me out. Tell me, Min."

"You act like something major has to happen for someone to go to therapy. You thought about ending your life, but backed out because you were scared. You decided not to go to therapy. Not everyone needs a drastic reason to get help," he told him more firmly than he had wanted to.

Chan swallowed hard but reminded himself to stay calm. Minho was on edge and may snap at any moment. "Okay let me put it differently then. I don’t mind if you went to therapy, Min. I know me staying up late and waking you when I finally come to bed annoys you. I wouldn't judge you for going to therapy because I know how much the kids asking where the fucking remote is bothers you. I don't care about the reason. I'd just like to know so I know how to support you."

"It's just a lot of minor things I have to work on. I let all the hate get to me. I feel like a complete fuck-up because my knee is injured and I can't do my job properly. I'm insecure about losing so much weight. I feel like I failed you all by letting myself get to this point and not caring about what it does to others. I'm scared I'll be depressed once you leave because honestly, the time we were fighting was awful. I’ve had you back for a day and I don’t want to lose this small moment of happiness," he rambled on. "I don't trust myself anymore. I lost my confidence on that stage I collapsed on. I feel like I have to function around you and not with you so you won't feel like I'm not good enough..which is totally on me," he continued, tears burning in his eyes. Chan grew very quiet behind him, letting him get his feelings off his chest. "I feel like I fucked up with Felix by showing him how broke I was. I always try to protect him, and yet he’s seen me at my worst. And having sex with him didn’t help. I snapped at Hannie when he asked me to eat after I had been skipping meals for days. I almost gave him a panic attack. I told Hyunjin to fuck off when he tried stopping me from the extra dance practices because of my knee. Seungmin's sassy comments and Changbin fooling around during practice completely pissed me off, and I let them have it afterwards. I completely neglected our baby when he asked for comfort after getting hate online because I was so caught up in my own head…I was awful to all of them, and still, they wrote those sweet letters. Which I feel like I don't deserve..and-."

"Okay, slow down," he said gently as Minho trembled in his arms, tears running down his cheeks. "None of the kids are judging you or have hard feelings about any of this. It was their idea to write the letters and make sure you know they love you no matter what. You saw how excited they were talking to you today and the possibility of visiting. So yes, you deserve every single word of affection they wrote in their letters," Chan told him very gently, rubbing his thumbs over his knuckles. "You're right, I don't need you to avoid working with me because I don't do that around you. You're not a fuck-up. You just need some time off to get better before stealing the hearts of everyone at our shows again with those moves of yours."

Minho chuckled sadly and rolled his eyes. "Oh shut up."

Chan smiled and kissed his temple. "I mean it. You'll gain your confidence back soon enough once you can perform properly again. You're working on the weight aspect, and you know every one of us is willing to support you. I don't know what to tell you about the hate because that's something we all suck at dealing with."

"You really do," he nodded. He stopped counting how many times one of the members searched for comfort in him when it all became too much to bear. Minho felt safe to all the members, and he was always there.

"My point is you're not alone, Minho. You never are. I know you want to work on all the little things to function again. But I want you to do it for yourself. You deserve to be happy and comfortable because you want to be. And if therapy is what you need, you should definitely go for it," Chan told him encouragingly. "Maybe we can even search for someone together and make an appointment for you?"

Minho pressed his lips together tightly and swallowed down his tears. He didn't think Chan would take the news with this level of ease and care. "Thank you," he breathed out.

Chan shook his head. "Thank you for telling me," he said, squeezing him lovingly. "We'll get you through this, okay?"

"Okay," he nodded bravely and cuddled up against him.

-

Minho pulled the zipper up on his jacket and shoved his hands deep into his pockets. Although he was tired after the bath, they decided to take a walk after dinner. The evening temperature brought chills down his spine, as goosebumps began to creep up due to the cold. He was walking next to Chan, who did his best to walk slowly without making it obvious to others who they were. Of course Minho noticed the attempt, but he thought it was rather sweet. They had spent the evening searching for a therapist who seemed fitting to Minho and had sooner availability for an appointment. Luckily, one of them had an open slot tomorrow morning due to a cancellation.

Chan let Minho take the lead. After all, it was his hometown. He was glad they found someone relatively quickly and hoped Minho would feel comfortable with them. She seemed very kind and professional on the phone, at least. He glanced at Minho as the wind blew his hair in his face. Giggling softly, he took off his beanie and put it on his head, gently brushing a few strands of hair beneath it. "Better?"

Minho felt a lot warmer almost immediately and nodded. "What about you?" he asked and gently fixed Chan's natural curls.

"I'm alright," he assured him with a smile and looked into his eyes, admiring the way they sparkled in the light. "I wish I could kiss you right now," he confessed quietly.

"What?" he giggled, surprised at the sudden outburst.

"You just look so adorable, baby." Chan smiled happily.

Minho blushed and punched his arm softly. "Stop it. You’re making me blush."

"Make me," Chan teased.

"You’re lucky we’re out in public, or I would," he smirked before turning a little to the side, noticing the street they were on. He pointed down the street. "There’s a shop that has really great ice cream a little further down the road if you'd like."

"I thought you were cold?" he giggled.

Minho pouted softly. "But it's so tasty, Channie hyung."

Chan giggled adoringly and rolled his eyes fondly. "Is it far away?" he asked. They've already been walking for a while after all.

"Not that far, no," he told him hopefully, and Chan agreed to take the journey. It was a little further away than Minho had thought, and Chan noticed the subtle limp in his steps before he spoke up. "Channie?" he asked at the pulsing pain radiating and grabbed his arm, lifting up his injured leg to take off some weight for a moment.

"You need to take a break?" he asked, and his boyfriend nodded. Chan looked around, but there wasn't a bench in sight. "I'll carry you the rest of the way. Hop on my back, baby."

"Channie, you really don't have to. We can go back the other direction. There's a bench about five minutes from here," he told him.

"You really wanted some ice cream, so we're getting it," Chan told him and turned around, crouching down a little. "Come on."

Minho playfully rolled his eyes before doing as he said and letting Chan carry him. He exhaled, relieved as the pain slowly subsided, and rested his chin on his shoulder. "Thank you, darling," he said softly.

"Of course, Min," he smiled. As they reached the small store, he let him down carefully. Minho’s face contorted slightly at the pressure back on his knee, but he adjusted to the pressure and stood tall. They went into the shop and to the counter to order their ice cream. Chan paid before lifting him up again and stepping close to the counter so Minho could hold them in his hands.

"Let's go find somewhere we can sit," Minho suggested and tried his ice cream, humming softly. "You want some?" he asked, and Chan nodded. Minho moved Chan's in front of his face, not really seeing what he was doing. Chan laughed as the ice cream met his nose. Minho started giggling and carefully wiped it off with his thumb, licking the ice cream off. "Yours is good as well."

"You could've just told me you wanted to try some instead of shoving it up my nose," Chan teased him. Minho chuckled as he held it up for him again. Chan was finally able to taste his own. "Oh, that's actually pretty good."

"Told you," he smiled, satisfied, and continued eating his own.

A few minutes later, Chan finally found a bench for them to sit and gently placed him down. He sat down next to him and giggled softly at the sight of Minho's hands. Due to holding both ice cream cones, he hadn't been able to keep them from melting. It was slowly dripping down his fingers, and they were surprised that none of it had dripped on their clothes. Chan pulled out a tissue from his pocket and jogged over to a small fountain, making it a little wet. He went back and lovingly cleaned his hands for him before taking his ice cream.

"Thank you, Channie love," he smiled and finished his own.

"You’re welcome, darling. Hey, do you wanna take a selfie and post it?" Chan suggested. "To show everyone you're okay after the incident on stage."

"Right, I haven't been online or anything since then," Minho nodded, agreeing, and took out his phone. After taking off the beanie, he took a few pictures, and they searched for their favorite. "What do I write as a caption?"

"No idea, honestly," Chan said.

"Date night with Channie love," Minho grinned, and Chan groaned softly.

"I wish," he admitted.

Minho gently patted his thigh for a moment. "I know, me too." He zoomed in a little and contorted his face at the dark patches beneath his eyes. "I still look like shit."

"You look tired, Minho, that's all. It's probably good if people see that and don't think we're dramatizing the whole situation," Chan reminded him kindly.

"Fair point," he sighed softly and started to write a caption for the picture they'd picked out. He added a second one of him and Felix at the hospital as well, where Felix hugged him and he smiled into the camera bravely. "Is that enough drama?"

"That's good," Chan laughed at Minho's theatrical sigh. Minho handed him his phone to let him read through it.

Slowly getting better and taking some time off. What better way to start your exile than a visit by the ones who are responsible for it 👀💕

"Always so dramatic," Chan giggled.

"You wanted drama, here you are," he smirked and took his phone back, uploading the post. Only seconds later, his phone lit up with several notifications of likes and comments. Minho unlocked his phone, scrolling through them, and smiled at his fans' sweet messages and encouragement. He leaned closer to Chan, letting him read along as some mentioned what a great leader he was, visiting him. "If they only knew what a visit from you actually meant," Minho smirked, and Chan laughed out loud.

"Came here for comfort, had great sex instead," Chan said, pretending to type a comment, and Minho started laughing.

"Channiee," he shook his head and looked back at the comments. His smile faltered seeing a few more comments rolled in.

You're back already? I was happy hearing I wouldn't have to see your stupid face for a month. Loved seeing you fall like that on stage, I hope it hurt.

Always knew they'd be better off without him. Should've stayed eliminated.

Chan had still been looking at him and frowned softly at the sudden change in his mood. He glanced back at the screen, and his heart sank as Minho didn't have a sassy reply in store but remained quiet. "Minnie…" Chan gently eased his phone out of his hand and blocked those users for him. “They don’t know what you’re going through.”

Minho swallowed down the lump forming in his throat and shoved his hands in his pockets. "Can we go back?" he asked quietly, suddenly feeling sick.

"Wait a second. I'll send their account to our staff so they can keep track of their ID and-"

"Chan, please," Minho shook his head tiredly. "It's just a comment. I don't know how many more will show up. Telling staff won't make a difference. I love you for trying to help, but there's no use in chasing anonymous bullies," he told him quietly and could barely meet his eyes.

Chan handed him back his phone and nodded. "You're probably right…Listen, I know that's probably not what you want to hear right now, but don't focus too much on that one hate comment, okay? You received a lot more sweet and loving comments," he told him gently.

Minho had to smile at Chan, using his own words from a few months ago. "When did you get so smart, huh?"

"I learn fast," Chan smiled kindly. "I think it's time to take your own advice to heart, kitten."

Minho glanced up at him, and his face softened immensely. "I missed that one," he confessed.

"Oh, really?" Chan asked, knowing how much he could make him melt with just that one word.

"Too bad we're in public. It makes me really want to kiss you and snuggle up in your arms," he told him.

"Don't tease," he sighed softly. "Let's go back, I want my kiss," Chan jumped up, deciding to give them a better reason to return to Minho's home. Minho made grabby hands in his direction, and he pulled him up.

A low moan slipped from his lips once he stood, and he let go of Chan's hand, carefully reaching down to check his knee. "Fuck," he breathed out. "I think I really overdid it today."

Chan knew there was no way Minho would be able to walk the 15 minute journey back home. "I'll carry you. And tomorrow, we'll take a shorter route."

"Okay," he nodded and apologized as Chan lifted him up once again. "If you keep doing this, your back will be fucked up by the time my knee is healed."

"You're not that heavy," Chan chuckled. But not even a moment later, he corrected himself. "You never are, you know." He reminded himself about Minho’s insecurity about his weight.

Minho noticed the effort and smiled to himself. "If you say so." About five minutes into their journey, he was starting to feel sleepy and rested his head on his shoulder tiredly. Chan kept on rambling on about something, but Minho couldn't keep his attention on him. All he did was slowly get pulled into a deep sleep as Chan's voice softly reverberated through his body, softly rumbling against his chest.

Chan noticed the quietness and chuckled softly. "Are you tired, kitten?"

"Mhmm," Minho hummed quietly, already having trouble keeping his eyes open. "I think I'm gonna fall asleep."

"That's okay, I know the way back," he assured him and smiled softly as Minho buried his face partly in his neck. Minho planted a tiny kiss on his neck and giggled at Chan's pleased hum. Chan could tell he was asleep as he felt his breathing slow down against his back. He was glad he'd only have to walk for another two minutes as Minho’s body weight became heavier because he was asleep. Once he reached the house, he pressed the doorbell, knowing there was no chance he'd reach the keys in Minho's pocket.

Luckily, Minho’s parents were still up and opened the door. "Is he okay?" his father asked worriedly.

"He's fine. We walked a little too much, so I carried him back since he was in a bit of pain," he told them. "He fell asleep on the way back."

"Oh, did you carry him all the way back?" his mother asked, and Chan nodded. "Make sure to be careful with your back."

"That's what he said too" Chan giggled and carefully let Minho down, quickly turning around. Minho winced softly and slumped against him sleepily. "Shh, it's okay. I'm just taking off your jacket, alright?" he asked, and Minho hummed, letting him proceed. Chan took off the beanie as well and lovingly brushed back his hair before picking him up again, in the front this time.

Minho wrapped his legs and arms around him, burying his face in his neck comfortably, not even noticing his parents watching them.

"Let's get you to bed," Chan said, adjusting his weight slightly. "Hold on tight, okay?"

"Kay," Minho mumbled drowsily and locked his hands together behind his neck as Chan carried him up the stairs.

Chan kept talking to him quietly on the way up, trying to keep him awake long enough to get into bed. Minho chuckled sleepily at something he said and tightened the grip of his arms around his neck.

Minho's mother watched the two as they walked away, hoping that Chan and her son would be figuring things out together from now on. He seemed so much happier with him around. It usually was her son taking care of others. It was good to see someone who looked after him with so much care and consideration. With so much love. Exchanging a look with her husband told her he was having similar thoughts.

Chan sat Minho down at the edge of his bed and kneeled down in front of him, untying his shoes for him. He gently helped him out of his sweater and pulled a shirt of his own over his head, knowing Minho loved stealing his clothes. Once Minho was ready for bed, he made grabby hands in his direction.

"Channie, lovee," he whined cutely, already falling asleep again.

"I'll be there in a moment, baby. I promise," he chuckled and closed the bedroom curtains. He set an alarm for tomorrow morning and slipped into bed. Minho scooted closer to him, pushing his leg between Chan's, and buried his face in his chest. Chan cuddled him close and soothingly massaged his scalp.

Minho suddenly pulled back. "Wait, I promised you a kiss," he said, making Chan giggle and quickly connect their lips.

Chan couldn't help but smile at how slow and lazy the kiss was. "Night, baby," he said softly as he pulled back.

"Night, love," Minho smiled before cuddling into his embrace again.

-

The next day, he had his first therapy session. Originally, Chan was going to pick him up once it was over. But he got a text from Minho telling him to pick him up somewhere around the corner from the building. Chan made his way around the building, and found Minho about a half block away leaning against the wall. A quick glance told him that Minho had been crying, and he looked rather tired. Chan took a pair of sunglasses from his jacket and walked over to him, handing them over to him. "Hey there," he said softly.

"Hey," he smiled tiredly and put them on, thanking him quietly. In case they were surprised by the media trying to take photos, no one could see his teary eyes.

Chan walked closely next to him and didn't quite know where to start. "Do you want to grab something to eat and go back home?"

"No," he shook his head and chewed his lower lip. "I could really use a hug right now."

His face softened, and he opened his arms for him, welcoming him in a warm hug. "Do you want to talk about it?" he offered gently, lovingly rubbing his back.

"It was..a lot. I think I overwhelmed her for a moment, telling her roughly about what was happening in my life. She tried to organize my chaos a little so we can work on everything in the following sessions," Minho explained. "I also told her about us since she isn't allowed to talk to anyone about this. I hope that's okay."

"Of course it is," he nodded.

"She said, judging by my emotional state right now, combined with my knee injury that's taking a toll on me, it'll take a while to work this all out. I can see her once a week though, as long as my schedule allows," he continued.

"We'll make it work, and if it doesn't because we're on tour or something, you can still do it online," Chan assured him. "There'll always be a way to find time."

"I'll tell the others soon so they know, but…what about the staff and fans?" he asked. "I mean, I can't drive back home once a week without anyone noticing."

Chan hummed, agreeing. "I don't think our staff and management will support the idea of telling the fans. But it's your decision, so I wouldn't worry too much about that. We can still ask the others their opinion as well," he suggested, and Minho agreed before pulling back. Chan smiled and gently wiped away a tear from his cheek, handing him a tissue.

"Gosh, I hate this," Minho cursed softly before blowing his nose. "I'm so emotional, it’s embarrassing."

"I think it's adorable," Chan tried to cheer him up.

"Me crying all the time?" he asked, trying to be irritated, but unable to hold it together. "You're not serious. So far, you told me you have a thing for me being mad, and now this?" he giggled. “You’re such a weirdo.”

"Seeing you smile is worth being a weirdo," he said, and Minho gently punched his chest.

He sniffled softly and threw the tissue into a bin nearby. "Fine, let's go and get some cookies."

"Cookies?" he asked, and Minho nodded.

"Just wait and see," he said, walking beside him. They walked in a comfortable silence for a little bit, but then Minho quietly stopped in his tracks. "Channie?" he asked, a little timid.

"Yeah?" he glanced back at him as Minho stopped walking. "What's wrong?"

"Can I hold your hand?" he asked softly. "I'll come up with an excuse, don't worry. I could just use some emotional support." He hadn't quite finished his sentence when Chan was already beside him, taking his hand.

"You can hold my hand whenever you want to, kitten," he promised, and Minho smiled sweetly, intertwining their fingers and continuing their journey. They reached another small store a little later, and Chan let him pick out a few cookies for them.

Once they were back outside, Minho glanced at him. "You know you don't have to pay for everything. I'm not broke," he chuckled.

"You always spoil the kids. Let me spoil you," he grinned. "Should we eat them back at yours?"

"Why the hell do you want to get back so soon? I thought you wanted to see the town," Minho laughed at him and noticed Chan blushing.

"I don't know. I just thought you would want to get some rest," he spoke gently. He nervously glanced away as Minho leaned forward to see his face.

"Channie," he giggled. "Don't lie to me, you suck at it."

"Fine, I have a surprise for you. But I can't show you in public," he groaned.

Minho grabbed a cookie from the bag and took a bite, thinking about it. "It's not like no one has seen your abs before," he teased.

"Not like that, Min," he whined.

"Too bad," he smirked, and Chan blinked at him. "I'm teasing you, relax. I'd like to be able to walk properly again at the end of my break. Taking your dick every moment we’re alone won't help reach that goal...even though I haven't so far."

"You're so naughty sometimes," Chan groaned, a blush creeping up his neck and ears.

"You love it, so stop complaining," he grinned, handing him a cookie. "But okay, let's go back. Now I'm curious."

Chan laughed as Minho took his hand again, pulling him with him. He didn't stop trying to make him laugh all the way back, and Minho seemed a lot better than before. Minho handed him the bag with only a few cookies left and unlocked the door. Chan stepped inside and yelped in surprise as Minho threw the door closed and pushed him against it smoothly. He blinked at him and blushed at his loving gaze. "Hi?"

Minho smirked succeedingly before kissing him passionately. Chan dropped the bag and cupped his face, deepening the kiss. "Thank you for picking me up, love," he said softly before hugging him close and burying his face in his shoulder. “Needed you there.”

"Anytime," he told him and kissed his hair. "Ready for the surprise?" Minho pulled back and nodded excitedly. "It's not much."

"I don't care," he chuckled.

Chan giggled before taking his hands and searching his eyes. "Minho, I love you so much. You have no idea how much you truly mean to me. I'm so happy I got to meet you and get to know you the way I do today. I know things are a little complicated in our situation, and I wish we didn't have to hide it. But I wanted to ask you something," Chan said, lovingly fondling his knuckles with his thumbs. "I’ve wanted to since that dinner I've promised you."

"Go on," he encouraged him shyly, not quite knowing where this was heading. But he loved the way Chan was so nervous, like a little puppy.

"I know we've already kinda talked about this, but I never actually asked you. Do you want to be my secret boyfriend?" he asked with a sweet smile, eyes shimmering suspiciously.

Minho pressed his lips together as his own eyes brimmed with tears as well, and he nodded firmly. "I'd love to, Channie."

"Close your eyes, Minho baby," he said gently, and Minho did as he said. Chan took a small box from his pocket and opened it, taking out a delicate silver ring. He gently put it onto Minho's finger, whose lips parted in surprise. "Open up," he said, and Minho looked down at the ring amazed. "I want you to have this as a reminder that I love you no matter what happens or where I am."

Minho was speechless, he couldn’t believe it. He lunged forward, hugging him tightly. "It's beautiful," he whispered honestly, and Chan squeezed him tight. "I'll wear it proudly."

"If someone asks you about it, you can answer honestly. I don't mind people knowing that you mean the world to me," he told him.

"I love you, Channie," he said softly, kissing his cheek before burying his face in his shoulder.

"I love you too, Min," he answered just as softly. Chan's phone suddenly rang, and he groaned softly, pulling it from his pocket. "It's Changbin."

"Go on," Minho nodded.

Chan took the call and put him on speaker. "Yes?"

"You two lovebirds are all over the news!" he dropped the bomb on them immediately.

Chp.15 | Chp. 17

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[btsgotjams27]

this is us ~ jjk | 16

six months later and you're still not over jungkook, and when you finally hit rock bottom, you realize you have to pick yourself up because no one else can do it for you.

✨ title: this is us | (sequel to all grown up) ✨ pairing: jungkook x f!reader | ✨ rating: m/18+ | minors dni ✨ genre/au: drama, romance, angst, fluff, smut | est!relationship, age gap, bff's younger brother ✨ playlist | AO3 & Wattpad ✨ a/n: if you haven’t read the prequel to this, please do so here! :) ✨ a/n 2: hello, hello! can you believe we're almost done with this series? it's been a crazy journey for these two, hasn't it? lol. well, i'll just say the angst is strong in this chapter but! this is the last angsty chapter, which i'm kind of happy for myself, my readers, and the characters lmaooooo. i hope y'all enjoy it and now it's only going up from this point out!

[ SERIES MASTERLIST ] | next ✨ 17 ~ one year later

chapter 16 ~ so maybe you're not okay | wc: 5.4k warnings: time skip (6 months later), angst, reader is reflecting on her past actions, language, alcohol consumption, *some* tough love, self-deprecation, depressing thoughts, mentions of throwing up smut warnings: kissing, touching, groping, breast play

~ six months since the breakup ~

Six months have passed since you and Jungkook split up. Sometimes, your heart ached continually, and you wondered when it would stop or ever cease. You almost gave in and called to check how he was doing or what he was up to, but you didn't. It was foolish to believe he'd want to talk to you since he, too, was hurt. You had shattered his heart for the second time, and you shouldn't be surprised if he never wanted to hear from you again.

Your heart skipped a beat anytime his name was uttered, whether it was Jin or Yuna. A part of you wanted to know if he was doing well or if he was as unhappy as you, but you were hoping for the latter. He deserved happiness, and you wanted him to find it even if you weren’t a part of it.

As much as you wanted to run away from responsibilities, you couldn’t. Your show was the only thing that kept you going—for now, at least. Critics and audiences alike praised the first half of the season, but as the season proceeded, numbers began to fall, making you doubt your talent and career. Could your writing be suffering as a result of your breakup? It did take up a lot of your mental space these days.

You wanted to hide under a rock and never come out again, it was virtually impossible because your phone rang nonstop day and night, attempting to put out fires—executives, producers, and writers breathing down your neck, never letting you take a breath. You just wanted everything to halt, and you just wanted no one to need you. But you were reminded of that whenever you stepped into your apartment. You didn’t know which was worse anymore.

The show's last day couldn’t have come any faster, and Kenji wanted to go big and celebrate the filming wrapping. You arrived at the beautiful modern building, which hardly looked like a restaurant.

“Hello, darling.”

You turned to your ex-boyfriend, his arm snaking around your waist. He could never help himself, but you smacked his arm away. “Kenji,” you said with a scowl.

“I’m sorry, love—habit.” You rolled your eyes. “Come on, let’s celebrate,” he said, holding his arm for you to take, though you didn’t amuse him by doing so. You were tired of his antics.

Because it was a party and you were practically the face of the project, you had to put on your best smile and pretend everything was fine—better than okay, perfect because you had gotten what you wanted out of your career, you had worked your ass off to get where you are. Still, none of this mattered if you didn't have the most important person by your side, but you didn’t dare utter his name.

If there was one thing you hated about being in this industry, it was the mingling aspect. Of course, you cared for your crew but showed it differently than how Kenji wanted to. You preferred intimate gatherings, taking a few groups to talk and catch up.

Though, at this point, you didn’t want to be around anyone anymore and just wanted to eliminate the noise clouding up your mind and space.

“Hey, babe. Are you doing okay?” Hyunie asked, pulling you in for a hug.

You loved your friend, but you swear to God if she asked you one more time if you were okay, you’d explode. “I’m fine,” you snapped, closing your eyes.

Having Hyunie by your side throughout this project was a godsend, and you couldn’t have done it without her. As Yuna was busy with baby Indie, Hyunie became your right-hand gal, almost waiting on you hand and foot.

She cleared her throat. “I just wanted to make sure,” she muttered, ready to walk away.

“Wait, Hyunie—” You turned, grasping her hand. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap at you.”

“It’s okay. I know you’re stressed. I’ll leave you alone.”

God—were you always this bitchy and cranky? Or had you unlocked a new part of yourself that you’d only discovered after breaking up with Jungkook? Either way, you’d lose your friend if you didn’t stop.

You had stopped counting how many glasses of wine you had accepted from the server as he passed by with his tray, but it had to have been more than enough for you to want to kiss the next person you saw.

Aimlessly, you stared at your wine glass. Are you the only one like this? What the fuck are you doing with your life? Pretending to be okay when you weren’t. Shit—you were so fucking pathetic.

Every day, the same thing, over and over again. Mindlessly, alone. You were gradually losing yourself in your innermost thoughts.

Tomorrow may be better. Maybe it’ll be alright. But who were you kidding? They were nothing but lies. You were too far gone, too broken. And it didn’t look like it could ever be reversed.

“So, you’re the big boss, hmm?”

You looked up to see a handsome man donned in an all-black outfit, his honey-skin chest practically on display, the deep V of his silk shirt leading your eyes down to his lower half. “That’s me,” you muttered, swirling the last of what was left in your wine glass.

“Can I get you a refill?”

“Yes, please.”

The man flashed a beautiful smile before going behind the counter, reaching underneath to pull up a bottle of wine.

“Are you supposed to be back there?” you asked, raising a brow because he wasn’t a crew member from your show. Actually, you had never seen him before.

He chuckled. “I’m Jung Hoseok, co-owner of Onjium.” You held your glass out for him to refill.

“It’s a beautiful restaurant, and the food is immaculate.”

“Ah, why, thank you,” he remarked. “Should I return the favor and praise your show?”

You tried to suppress your smirk by sipping the red wine. “I’d rather you praise me instead."

Hoseok's tongue darts to wet his lips, biting the bottom. "I can do that."

It had been too long since you had kissed anyone, alone let anyone even touch you. But Hoseok’s kisses from the column of your neck trailing towards your collarbone made you realize how horny you were—and your vibrator wasn’t cutting it anymore. You weren’t sure why you hadn’t sought out a fuck buddy in the first place. It would’ve easily taken your mind off everything and relieved some stress.

His hardened length brushed against your clothed heat, his soft lips continuing to mark your body, his hand on the small of your back, eliminating the distance between you. “Fuck—you’re so sexy,” he kissed your lips. “Why isn’t every man dropping to their knees for you?”

You throw your head back, a chuckle leaving your lips. “Do you always flatter every woman who walks through your restaurant’s doors?” you ask, tugging at his belt, unfastening it with his pants.

He grins and shakes his head. “I never do things like this,” he lies through his teeth.

“Uh-huh, sure,” you quip back. “So you’ve never fucked anyone on this couch before?” You found it hard to believe—a good-looking man like him, not fucking every beautiful that walked into his restaurant?

“Nope, never,” he laughs, coming in for another kiss, his hard length pressing into your lower abdomen, making you ache and crave what’s hidden beneath those briefs. “Can I?” he asks, toying with the thin straps of your dress.

“Please do. I’m at your service to be praised and adored.” You were hardly ever this bold or confident. Maybe it was the alcohol coursing through your veins, coinciding with how shitty you’ve been feeling these past several months.

Hoseok’s slender fingers drew imaginary circles into your skin. He studied your face—eyes closed, mouth agape, and head lolled back. Savoring every moment as you bite your bottom lip, just waiting for him to continue as he pleased. “Tell me what you want me to do.”

Honestly, at this moment? Anything—anything to relieve the ache that was building inside your body.

He hums, waiting for your answer.

You opened your eyes and straightened your posture. He still hadn’t removed your straps, so you did it for him, agonizingly slow, of course—just as he teased you, you did the same to him. But your stupid bra stood in the way until you unfastened the hooks, freeing your breasts one at a time. His attention is now diverted from your eyes to your chest, taking in the perfect view.

Wrapping your arms around his shoulders, you leaned in, whispering, “I want you to fuck me so hard that you have to take me home and then fuck me all over again.”

He shifted in his seat, adjusting himself, then gripped the soft flesh of your ass through your black slip dress. His hands roamed the sides of your body. His eyes fixated on your breasts before palming them in his hands. “Fuck–yes. You don’t have to tell me twice.”

His hand reached the back of your neck, pulling you in for a kiss. You spread your legs wider, rolling your hips against his erection. Faint whimpers leave your lips when his fingers pinch your stiff peaks.

“Fuck–Kook. I need you inside me.”

“Name’s Hoseok,” he says between kisses.

“Don’t–don’t talk.”

“Anything you want, princess.”

You pulled away with a deadpan expression, breathing a loud sigh.

“You just ruined it.” Of course, he couldn’t have known that you hated that pet name, but that pet name also brought you back to reality.

You drew the strings of your dress back over your shoulders, proceeding to grab the rest of your things. “I’m sorry, Hoseok. I shouldn’t have done this,” you say, looking around for your bra.

“Was it something I said?”

Technically, yes, but also, you were stupid for trying to sleep with a man you had just met. This wasn’t you. You didn’t go around fucking random strangers–you much preferred being in a loving relationship, not one-night stands with men you’d never see again.

“No–it’s me. I’m sorry.”

Quickly, you left the crime scene, slipping into a taxi, still holding your bra because you couldn't put it back on without someone stopping to talk to you. With eyes closed and a loud sigh, your head lolled back on the car’s headrest. The angel on your shoulder was berating you for making bad decisions. The devil told you to return to the man who wanted to sleep with you and show you a good time. Right now, you didn’t want to listen to either of them.

You open your eyes and straighten your posture, catching a glimpse of yourself in the rearview. The person staring back was unrecognizable—having sunk to the lowest of the lows, unsure if you could pick yourself back up. At this point, you wondered how your friends could even put up with you. You didn’t even want to be around yourself—a pitiful mess you were.

Sundays were brunch days at Yuna and Namjoon’s. It was a tradition the group had organized since the new parents had their hands full.

But you lay in bed, thinking of the many excuses you could give to your best friend to get out of this brunch you had started to loathe. It reminded you of your mother’s family reunion dinners.

You 9:27 AM *cough*cough* I’m not feeling well. I think I drank too much.

Yuna 9:29 AM 😒 Get your ass over here. I don’t care if you’re on your deathbed.

Tae 9:30 AM Dang—mama don’t play. You tell her, Noona!

Hyunie 9:30 AM Seriously, taetae? Why??? Why are you like this? 😑

Joon 9:31 AM I’m making my infamous avocado toast.

Jin 9:32 AM Namjoon cooking? *cough*cough* I’m sick too.

Yuna 9:33 AM Oh! Don’t make me slap all of you through this phone. Everyone be here at 10:30! OR ELSE.

You 9:33 AM Fine…

Jin 9:34 AM Okay—MOM.

Tae 9:34 AM Or else, what? You’ll spank me?

Hyunie 9:35 AM Someone come strangle my husband before I do!!

Even if you were on your deathbed, huh? Apparently, you still had to attend this infamous Sunday brunch.

A notification bell came through your phone, illuminating your screen.

Jin 9:37 AM I can come pick you up.

You 9:38 AM Why? You don’t trust that I’ll go there?

Jin 9:38 AM Nope 🙃 See you soon friend.

The car ride to Yuna’s consisted of nothing but radio silence. Jin looked over, watching you mindlessly observe pedestrians, deep in thought about who knows what. He wanted to interrupt many times but didn’t want to appear insensitive.

“You look like shit,” Taehyung remarked, sitting at the table.

“Thanks, Taehyung. I really appreciate your honesty,” you faked a smile before letting it falter. “FYI—this is what I look like, hungover.”

“You seem to be drinking a lot these days,” Yuna couldn’t help but comment.

“There’s nothing wrong with drinking,” Namjoon responded as he was focused on smashing the avocados in the bowl. He looked up to see his wife glaring at him. “What?” He cleared his throat. “I mean, as long as it’s done in moderation. We don’t want anything bad to happen to our bodies.” He looked over at Yuna again, who was pleased with his answer.

“Maybe just slow down on the mimosas today, babe,” Hyunie interjected when you picked up the tall, slim glass and sipped. Whoever made it went a bit overboard on the champagne. It wouldn’t be your fault, it was whoever made this.

“I’m fine,” you noted. “I’m a big girl, and I can care for myself.”

With her tongue in cheek, Yuna tuts as she spreads the butter on the piece of bread, preparing the pan for the avocado toast.

You wanted to let that slide because she had been like this for the past few months, making snide, snarky comments or saying things under her breath. Maybe motherhood was taking a toll. Maybe she hadn’t had enough sleep. Maybe she, too, was pissed off at the world.

“Do you have something you want to say to me?” You set your glass down, folding your arms across your chest. Maybe you were feeling confident after the sip of orange juice and champagne.

Everyone quieted down, pretending not to let this conversation become awkward, trying to do other things to distract themselves.

Yuna placed the bread into the warm pan, letting it sizzle, but she didn’t answer you. She had wanted to talk to you privately for a while now, but everything was bubbling up to the surface, and she couldn’t hold it in any longer.

Namjoon clenched his jaw and lightly elbowed her, giving her the staredown of the century, mouthing, “Not now.”

“Why not? Hmm?” she answers aloud to her husband. “She needs to hear what I have to say.”

He looks at everyone whose eyes are now on the couple in the kitchen. “There’s a time and place if you want to talk, but not in front of everyone,” he said in a hushed tone, quickly glancing at you, then back to his smashed avocados.

“Yuna, if you have something to say, just fucking say it.” You were tired of all these side eyes and unspoken words.

She sighs and then turns off the stovetop, removing the pan from the heat. “It’s been six months, Y/n. Six months since Jungkook left.”

“Yeah, you don’t think I fucking know that? I have to live with that knowledge every day. Why can’t you just leave me the fuck alone and let me drink in peace?” Picking up the glass, you took another sip; the bubbly drink fizzled down your throat. “I’m fine,” you lied. “Sometimes I just want to wallow in all the shit I’m feeling, okay? And be fucking depressed, sad, and hurt. Am I not allowed to do that?”

Hyunie steps closer, grasping your arm. “Of course, you can, but we’re just worried about you and want you to talk to us.”

“What do you want me to say?” You look around the room, trying your best to hold it together. Your tongue darted to lick your lips, teeth nibbling your bottom lip, but the yearning in your heart welled to the surface, just waiting to erupt. “You want me to say that I fucked up? Instead of pushing Jungkook away, I should’ve tried to work through it. That I should've gone to LA to get him back? Well, it's too fucking late. I can't do shit now. He's probably moved on with his life and is doing ten times better than I am."

You let go of Hyunie and sat in the dining chair. "God–I'm so pathetic." You wiped the tears streaming down your face. "I feel so numb, so broken," you said with a shaky voice. "I just want to wake up from this stupid nightmare, but I can't because this is my fucking reality. I know I have no one to blame but myself for this mess."

Everyone looked at you with pity and remorse. Practically watching you fall apart. You didn't want this to happen but knew it eventually would.

Yuna sympathized with her best friend, and she did. But she also had her baby brother to worry about as well. She knew how he was doing–which was much better than you right now, and you were right. He had moved on and was in a better spot, mentally and emotionally.

She walked over to you, placing her hand on yours, gently rubbing the top of your hand. Yuna softly sighed, “I love you, I do. But sometimes I just wanna give you a good smack.”

“Jagi!” Namjoon quips, setting down his fork.

“In a loving way, of course,” she pauses, “I'm sorry things turned out the way they did with you and Jungkook. It hurts me to see you like this–living life so aimlessly. If you want him, go get him. If you don't, then move on.”

“It's not that simple,” you said, turning to her.

“I know—but you have to try. Take it one day at a time. Do something fun. Try something you’ve never done before. Get your mind off everything,” Yuna suggests.

She was right. Since your show had wrapped up and nothing else lined up, you could do as you, please. Maybe you could find a new hobby or travel—it’s been a minute since you had a proper vacation. Honestly, traveling to a secluded place seemed like a dream. But would it be a ruse to run away from your problems, or would it help you move on? Could it be a bit of both?

“I’m sorry, guys. I am.” You look up to your friends who have been supportive these past few months while you were at rock bottom.

Jin, Namjoon, and Taehyung grunted or hummed, acknowledging your apology before distracting themselves with something else.

Hyunie comes in for an embrace. “You’re gonna be okay. I know it.” She pulls away, the corners of her lips curving into a reassuring smile.

“I don’t deserve you guys.”

“You don’t,” Jin jokes, in which Namjoon glares at him. “What?” He stuffs a blueberry in his mouth. “Just saying.”

You were conscious of your choices and actions and aware of the consequences; nevertheless, accepting and coming to terms with them was another matter.

Regardless, if you wanted to get out of this deep, dark hole you’ve dug, no one could help you unless you helped yourself.

With nowhere to go, nothing to do, and no one to see—your life felt like it had no meaning, no purpose.

Do something fun.

Yuna’s voice echoed from the day before. Fun? You didn’t even know what you considered fun anymore. What did you even like besides writing and working? No new films were interesting, at least not enough to make you want to pay to sit in front of the big screen. And you just knew you’d be scrolling through Netflix for hours trying to find something to watch before ultimately giving up. There was no point, you thought.

And since none of those things were riveting, you again found yourself at the bar. At least, it was the first time you’d gone this week. Well—to be honest, the week had just begun.

“Another Moscow mule, please,” you inquired, waving down the bartender. It was only your third one of the night, but given that your speech was becoming unintelligible—you’d be cut off soon.

The bartender nodded, acknowledged your request, and began working on your drink.

You held onto the black straw, mindlessly stirring the ice in the copper mug. Your eyes laser-focused on the bottle sitting behind the bar back—Highland Park, single malt whiskey. You preferred cocktails over straight liquor. You didn’t think you could handle all the alcohol content; hell, you could hardly hold the ones in cocktails.

Next to the shelf of liquor stood a mirror, but you couldn’t recognize the person in the reflection. Who was she? Six months had passed since the breakup, and the person in the mirror looked grim and unhappy. You couldn’t remember the last time you genuinely smiled or even laughed, and you had forgotten what true joy felt like.

This past year drained you emotionally and physically. You weren’t sure you had even gotten through all of it, and storing these traumatic, unpleasant memories in your amygdala only to resurface when you drank, forced you to deal with your emotions and feelings—things you didn’t want to touch. They were too painful and tortuous. It was easier to leave them be, brush them off, pretend that life could go on—but you had to face these memories and feelings sooner rather than later, or you’d never be able to pull yourself out of the hole you had dug.

The soft murmur of your name broke your focus on yourself in the mirror. You turned to see Min Yoongi beside you in a black button-down with a turtleneck underneath.

“Why do you look like you just sat down to be interviewed for a documentary?” You ask without regard to how he is doing or what he was doing at the bar.

Yoongi laughed at your abruptness. “I just came from a meeting with a colleague and came here for drinks, but he had to head out; then I saw you sitting here, so here I am.”

“Mmhm, here you are.” Your eyes lit up when the bartender handed you your drink.

“Can I get a single malt whiskey? Neat.”

You chuckled because you were looking at the bottle the bartender picked up.

“You okay?” Yoongi asked, sitting beside you, his knee slightly brushing against yours before swiveling away in his stool.

It would be easy to say, ‘Yeah, I’m fine,’ and go on the rest of the night indulging in small talk, but did you want to open a can of worms?

You gave your attention to the new Moscow mule sitting before you, stabbing the lime with the black straw and pushing it down to the bottom. You turn to him, “I feel like I’m gonna break down and cry at a moment’s notice.”

For some reason, it felt easier to bare your soul to someone who knew nothing about your life because all your friends quickly judged you and your decisions. But not with Yoongi. He knew the bare minimum about you.

“It’s okay to cry. Just don’t cry alone,” he simply said before thanking the bartender and sipping his whiskey.

Honestly, you hadn’t cried in the past few months. You felt more numb than anything, but the accumulation of your relationship with your mom, infertility, and Jungkook was enough to make you want to break down and give up on everything in life. The weight of it all was coming to a peak, ready to erupt.

“Can I ask you something?”

“You just did,” he teased, to which you rolled your eyes. He took another sip, waving for you to continue.

“Do you ever ask yourself what the fuck you’re doing with your life?”

“All the time,” he chuckled. “It’s normal to ask that question. Think about it—we’re living, breathing humans that live on a rock floating through time and space.”

“Yes! Oh my god! I think about that all the time. Why do all of my problems seem so big in my little world? But compared to how big the world is, it seems silly, minuscule, and unimportant. I mean, the person walking down the street probably has bigger problems than me.”

“Mm, that could be true, but don’t minimize your hurt and feelings. It’s important to recognize and learn from those things and let them shape a better you.”

“Why get a shrink when all you need is ‘Min Yoongi’ in your life?” You finally take a sip of your drink, the ice already melting in place, the condensation pooling a rim on the napkin.

He chuckled at your joke. “I’m hardly a therapist. I’ve just—I’ve been where you are, and I’m sorry it sucks, but give it time. You’ll be okay.”

“But, like, how do you know that?”

“Well, I don’t,” he took a swig of his whiskey. “I mean, there aren’t many things in our control, but for the things that are, it’s important to do what we can. We can only manage what’s right in front of us. We don’t know what will happen tomorrow, next week, or three months from now. Just worry about what’s happening right here, right now. That’s all you can do, you know?”

You recognized the truth behind Yoongi’s words and wanted to believe it. You did. But it was always easier said than done. Maybe you just needed more time, time to find yourself again. Maybe find joy in the little things, in yourself, and become comfortable in your skin without the dissonance of your friends. This time in your life would be as good as any since you had nothing lined up for you, work-wise. There was no one to keep you here in Seoul. You could go anywhere if you wanted to. Would now be the right time to uproot your life and go wherever your heart desired?

Yoongi could see you pondering his words, maybe letting the reality of it all soak in. He chugged the last of his whiskey, setting the glass down. “Come on, let me take you home.”

You lifted your finger, ready to key in your apartment's code, before returning to Yoongi. “Do you wanna come in?”

He hesitated before answering, “I shouldn’t.”

“You’re not going to tuck me in; make sure I don’t drown in my vomit?” Yoongi snickers. “Sorry, I’m not in my right mind right now. You don’t have to come in.”

“You’re not gonna make this easy, are you?”

“I just gave you an out. You can leave if you want, but if you don’t hear from me tomorrow, will you be ready to live with that guilt if something happened to me?” You could’ve easily eliminated the last line but couldn’t help yourself. Let’s blame it on the alcohol for the sudden confidence.

Yoongi’s tongue darted out, licking his lips, the corners of his mouth curving into a smile. He nodded toward your door. “Come on. Let’s get you tucked in.”

“I just want to lay on a nice, warm beach. Or I guess I’ll try to dream of it tonight.”

Yoongi followed you into the bedroom and lunged forward to keep you standing straight before you plopped onto the bed. “I have a vacation home in Phuket if you ever need to get away from here.”

“You do?” Your eyes widen in delight, almost wanting to take up his offer.

“Yeah, Tae and Hyunie went there recently, and I’m only ever there occasionally. Feel free to use it if you’d like.”

“Is this the part where you plan to murder me, and no one will ever find my body?” you joke, referring to when he said he’d take you home the first night you met, even though you hardly knew him then.

“I think you’ve been watching one too many Law and Order episodes, huh?”

You shrug. “You can never be too careful, you know!”

Yoongi laughs. “If I wanted to murder you, I’d have done it already.”

“I don’t know. Maybe you’re waiting for the perfect moment. Like when I’m all vulnerable in my bed.” He shows off his gummy smile, a feature you’ve come to appreciate. “You should smile more often. You have a really pretty smile.”

He shook his head, letting out a soft chuckle as he turned away from you. Through the short time, he’s known you, you were never this honest with him.

You sigh. "Can I skip to the part where everything will be okay again?"

Yoongi kneeled by your bedside and flashed a closed-lipped smile before scanning over your features. Apparently, you were just full of questions tonight, but he didn’t mind. "Where you are now is not where you'll always be."

He seemed so positive and empathetic toward your situation, which you were grateful for. It's possible he was just being kind, but he had plenty more to say. He was almost like your personal fortune cookie, always ready with an answer.

"That's easy for you to say." You snuggled deeper into your fluffy pillow, pulling the duvet under your chin.

"Mm–yeah, it is," he chuckled. "Well, there's a high chance that the future you want never happens, and if you put too much meaning into it, it'll torment you."

“Gee, thanks,” you said dryly. 

“You know what I mean.”

You stick out your tongue in protest, pulling the duvet over your head. “Just say I’m being pathetic. I can handle it,” you lie, muffled through the sheets. You were one step away from losing your shit.

Yoongi cleared his throat, lifting the duvet so he could say goodbye. He could see the sadness in your eyes when you looked back at him, and he only knew what you were going through because Kim Taehyung had a big mouth and shared whatever details he knew about you and your ex-boyfriend. But he never wanted to press you further unless you wanted to share.

“Well, I’m gonna head out. It looks like you’re tucked in safely and not dying, so...”

He proceeded to stand, but you sat up, grabbing his hand, your hand lingering longer than usual. Your eyes focused on his plush lips, then you moved in, closing your eyes for a kiss, but he pulled away.

“I’m sorry.” He stood, taking another step toward the door. “You’re cool, but I don’t kiss people when they’re not sober.”

Your cheeks become warm, your gaze avoiding his. “I’m sorry. As you can probably tell, I’m not in the right mind frame, and I’m very susceptible to handsome men when they’re sweet.”

Yoongi flashed a thin smile. “It’s okay. I’ll pretend nothing happened,” he remarked, waving his hand again before leaving you alone in your bedroom.

When you heard the front door closed, you grabbed your pillow and screamed into it. Why was kissing someone always your answer when feeling shitty about yourself? At this point, Yoongi probably found you as foolish as one could be. He probably wondered how and why Hyunie and Taehyung continued to be friends with someone like you.

You set the pillow aside, sliding under your covers, thinking about the question you asked Yoongi earlier at the bar.

What the fuck are you doing with your life?

So much of your adulthood was spent trying to survive your childhood and the trauma that came with it, and as you became an adult, you hoped the person you had become would be the person you needed when you were a child. But in reality, you felt like an imposter. The adult version of you was trying her best to be what that little girl needed, though ultimately, you failed her.

You knew deep down inside that you needed to stop whatever this path of destruction was, stop blaming others, not wait to be rescued, and most of all, stop refusing to participate fully in life. You had friends who became like family to you, who loved you no matter what you did. Was that not enough?

Inevitably, you were aware that no one could save you but yourself. You’d spent your life stuck in this endless cycle that no one had created but yourself.

You stopped before you started. You gave up before you even attempted. You talked yourself out of it before you got into it.

In retrospect, you knew you were also at fault regarding Jungkook. You sabotaged your relationship because you couldn’t bear the pain. But what if you had tried and given everything, and it worked out?

But as Yoongi said, it’s better not to dwell on a future that may not happen. Otherwise, you’d continue this endless cycle of torment.

✨ a/n 3: so, how are we doing? how are we feeling? do we have any theories on what'll happen next? what do we think about yoongi? let me know (:

also! i still plan on doing the podcast episode, so start thinking of questions, comments, rambles/rants (:

✨ next ~ 17 ~ one year later

#jungkook fanfic #jungkook fic #jungkook angst #jungkook x reader #jungkook x yn #jungkook x you #jungkook x noona #bts fic #bts fanfic #bts x you #bts x reader

[tarotoftheendless]

Tom Sturridge: A Review

Disclaimer: I have ADHD, so, please forgive me if I jump around and go on tangents... I have lots of thoughts about this man and his projects, so....

At this point I have seen almost everything the man has been in. And I have thoughts about most of his work. I may have to do this review in parts as some of his work I need to re-watch in order to get my true thoughts out on it.

Firstly, Tom seems to enjoy choosing projects that are obscure, which I can appreciate. It fits in line with him not wanting to be in the spotlight and kind of live a more private life. In fact, The Sandman is both in line with the sentiment and yet isn't at the same time.

It kind of reminds me of Adam Driver and his filmography... and then Star Wars happened. Granted, Adam Driver has since been in the spotlight more, but he sure was uncomfortable with the attention when he was in Star Wars.

And I think Tom is the same. Not only does Tom come of as neurodivergent (it is just a speculation, not confirmed... I have observed his mannerisms and the way he speaks from many video interviews...), but he is introverted, doesn't have social media (though he might have at one point, though I think he got rid of all of it when his daughter was very young). There is something about him that screams "Don't perceive me" even with all the modeling he has done and him serving cunt on the Red Carpet. He does acting for the art not the fame, and I think he is handling The Sandman the same way. He always seems so uncomfortable at Cons... actually, it reminds me of how Jensen Ackles used to be at Supernatural Cons...

Anyway, I am sure I could go on and on about Tom himself, but I have thoughts about his films and shows. I will not be review The Sandman though... it's been done to death and I really don't feel like weighing in on it right now. But I would love to discuss in the comments about Tom himself with other Tom lovers if ya'll have something that you feel should be brought up about him.

I have seen the following projects of Tom's:

The Sandman - Dream/Dream of the Endless/Morpheus

2. Sweetbitter - Jake

3. Irma Vep - Eamonn - this was basically just a glorified cameo

4. Skin - Nathan

5. Velvet Buzzsaw - Jon Dondon - almost another glorified cameo

6. 3 Way Junction - Carl

7. Hello Apartment - Adam - basically a cameo... a sexy cameo...

8. Mary Shelley - Lord Byron

9. Double Date - John - a goth pretentious musician cameo

10. Remainder - Tom

11. Far From a Maddening Crowd - Sergeant Francis Troy

12. Effie Gray - John Everett Millais

13. On The Road - Carlo Marx

14. Junkhearts - Danny

15. Waiting for Forever - Will Donner

16. The Boat The Rocked/Pirate Radio - young Carl

17. Like Minds/Murderous Intent - Nigel Colbie

18. FairyTale: A True Story - Hob (A Fair) - cameo

I tried watching Journey's End and it was slow and depressing, so I never finished it... and I plan on watching Hollow Crown... but those episodes are basically films in themselves, so, that'll take forever... and I can't find a way to watch A Waste of Shame...

I have thoughts on many of these shows/films, so I will go though them in no particular order. And I might not have much to say about all of them because either there isn't much to say or I need to watch them again to fully be able to give my thoughts on them.

SWEETBITTER

Jake is a traumatized 30 something bartender that hides behind sex, drugs, and alcohol... and he has no idea how traumatized he really is because the one person that has continued the trauma for him has also been his savior, according to him... and he has to believe that in order to cope with his life, his choices and what actually happened to him. He was absolutely groomed by Simone, and before the show got cancelled I really think they were gonna go there with his character.

I love Jake. I both love his bad boy tendencies, but what makes me love him more is who he is beyond that, beneath that. The episode where is really opens up with Sasha was really eye-opening. He is struggling, and he has to believe that Simone is his lifeline because otherwise his whole life has been based on a lie, "No one knows you like I do", which is word for word what domestic violence abusers say to their victims. He truly believes that Simone fixes things, he has to believe that otherwise he'll fall apart. Much like Frodo has to believe that there is good in Gollum, Jake has to believe that Simone is actually his protector. Everything falls apart if Jake faces reality, hence drowning in the sex, drugs and alcohol. The lies are better than the truth.

He hates himself and doesn't believe that he deserves love, so he believes Simone's narrative of being damaged and dangerous because it is easier than really breaking away from her control and standing on his own two feet.

It makes me sad that we will never get a season 3 of Sweetbitter because Jake was such a beautiful and fascinating character, far more than Tess. I don't think I would have wanted Jake to actually be with Tess in the long run, I think Tess was also wanting Jake to fill a role so Tess herself could grow and use him a stepping-stone forward, a "been there, done that" sort of thing. Tess liked the bad boy, and she tried to make it seem like she wanted to help him but I still think it was for her own gain rather than actually wanting to help Jake, and that is why she would have ultimately lost him. He would run to what he has always known; Simone. Jake needs someone that gives him space to breathe for once. Someone that sees him and hears him and helps him see the truth without wanting anything from him in return. He needs permission to live, truly, for himself rather than for others that always want something from him. He needs therapy and better coping skills... cuz yeah not being sober and burying his dick in everything he can is not helping him at all.

So, really, that's review of the character... and I think Tom did a great job playing an aloof yet interested character that is a bad boy. The song 'Hot n Cold' by Katy Perry fits him quite nicely, I think.

The Boat That Rocked/Pirate Radio

So, I saw this film years ago, probably around 2018/2019, before I had any idea who the fuck Tom Sturridge was. I remember liking it.

Then I watched again after seeing The Sandman and I have grown a lot in my leftist views... and oh boy... this film is so sexist, homophobic and really super okay with SA it is scary... Tom has gone on record saying he would never do the 'Switch' in real life, but holy fuck that is some toxic shit.

As far as young Carl goes, I don't think casting a 23 year old Tom Sturridge was the right move if they wanted the audience to believe he was a virgin. Tom has always been gorgeous, and this film is no exception. And he got expelled for smoking, cigarettes and weed if the implications the film made are correct, making him a bad boy sort of. Girls and guys alike would have gone feral for him. As awkward as he is, it is more charming than anything else.

He should not have forgiven Marianne and he absolutely shouldn't have forgiven Dave. He also shouldn't have been okay with SA of a woman that would've had seemingly no idea that someone else was having sex with her other than the person she wanted to have sex with. I know that we all love young Carl, and I still do and will, but he really shouldn't be let off the hook for considering and almost going through with an SA all because he didn't want to be a virgin anymore.

All in all, I don't believe young Carl would've actually been a virgin because of Tom Sturridge portraying him, but also, the toxic shit that he goes along with shouldn't be over-looked either.

I love this film and Tom's character, but yeah, 2009 was a different time...

Waiting for Forever

So, this film is basically unwatchable... except for Tom's Will Donner... and even then, we have got to talk about the toxicity of this film.

Will Donner is basically a Manic Pixie Dream Boy... and his mental health issues are not only not named but they are handled poorly and without care. AND STALKING IS NOT CUTE OR ROMANTIC. Period. He should not have gotten the girl in the end. That gives the wrong message... like oh yes, we need more incels thinking they can just try and try and follow women and be quirky and then they will wear us down enough for us to see how romantic it was all along.

Now, that being said, I do think that Will is neurodivergent, ADHD and autistic specifically, with PTSD/C-PTSD as well as some sort of delusional disorder that has him speaking to people/ghosts that aren't really there... not schizophrenia exactly, but close to it. And I really think that he had no idea that what he was doing with the stalking because of his mental health issues. He didn't know any better... still that is no excuse and Emma should not have chosen him in the end.

Will Donner has no idea who Emma is. He has an idea of who he thinks she is in his head and that is who he is in love with. It was 2011 and men in films often were rewarded for being in love with a woman even if he has no idea who she really is... and that is a problem. Will, as precious and charming as he is, should not have been rewarded for loving his idea of who Emma is... and he really should not have been rewarded for his stalking... I love Will, he is a cinnamon roll of a man, and I get he has mental health issues, I too have ADHD and autism, but he should have had to work through his own toxicity before Emma would ever consider him... but I really don't think Emma should have ever chosen him.

And that brings me to Emma... as toxic as Will is, Emma never deserved his love. She does not deserve him at all. Will was a last resort to her. She had to loose her father and find out her ex was a murderer before even considering Will as an option. And she is a cheater... Will does not come off as the type that would be open to anything other than complete loyalty and monogamy... at least if he is with Emma. I would think trust issues would be abundant in their relationship, which is a shit foundation for any relationship.

As far as the film goes... I am sorry, but it is not good. If we followed Will only, maybe it would have been better, but all the B-plots with Emma and her family and everything really tanked the film. Will and Emma have no chemistry... yeah, I love Tom and he played the character well, but yeah... not his finest choice in film. I would watch his character literally in anything else other than the film we got.

I also wanted to punch Will's brother in the throat. 2011 really had a fuck ton of stigmas towards neurodivergent folks and this film just reiterated that.

Like Minds/Murderous Intent

So, I watched this after The Sandman hype... and oh boy...

This film came out in 2006 and in Hollywood the only way you could be gay is if you were a villain... or magic... and Nigel nor Alex were not magic... so...

This film is so homoerotic that it hurts... I think if they had just kissed... or better yet, fucked, that would have solved everything. No murder... no incest... no necrophilia... just gay butt fucking.

But Nigel is a psychopath. And I am not sure if it started with Alex or not... Nigel seems to think that Alex was the one that was fucked up and then they had a mind-meld... and Nigel just was more okay with going with it than Alex was? Honestly, this film is confusing... because the narrator is unreliable. Who knows what the truth really was. Maybe Alex was right, maybe Nigel was... maybe both... either way, Alex ends up accepting it and being a toxic evil fucker too, so...

Also, Nigel and Dream are not the same at all... I am weirded out by everyone relating the two characters together. Nigel is a psychopath... Dream is just dark... and toxic sometimes, but Dream is not a psychopath. Ugh. They are not the same, fucking hell.

Junkhearts

So... Tom's character in this is almost worse than Nigel... Danny is fucked up. Not only is he having sex with a minor, but yeah, the drugs and taking advantage of a vet was beyond fucked up. I am glad that Tom said that he took the role because Danny was so different from himself... which thank fuck that's the case because Danny is a nightmare. Though gurl.... that sex scene? Jesus... if Jake had you blushing with all his sex scenes, Danny has you dripping... and you know what the fuck I mean. Damn. I was watching this film with my partner and yeah, I had to take a moment afterwards to try to stop having my cheeks so red. It made me feel things I didn't exactly want to feel...

But yeah, fuck Danny... I don't think he should've been murdered in the end, but he was a terrible character.

I am not sure if this film was great... or even if Danny was necessary to tell the story, but yeah... maybe I will have to watch this film again to have more to say about it later.

Irma Vep

Ugh. I was kinda pissed that I had to watch 8 hours of this show and we only got Tom for about what, 15 minutes? Ugh! And he is hot... and toxic. A cheater and a liar. And him and Kristen Stewart? I want to know the history there so bad, because we all know that Tom and Robert Pattinson are besties... and then Tom has worked with Kris on the film On The Road too... and then he is taking her pants off and kissing her like that in this show? Fucking hell... makes me think Tom and her may have... idk, history beyond Kris dating Rob? There have been rumors... but idk how much of it is true... and old social media profiles have been abandoned and I am unsure if they are real or not, but there might be history... and this show, with Tom's 15 minute glorified cameo raised some questions about that.

Skin

This short film really moved the fuck out of me. I was balling my eyes out by the end of it and I had to sit with it for about an hour after I watched it. Tom's acting ability really shines through in just 11 minutes and it is just him, an Alexa-type voiceover and flashbacks with him and his husband. In 11 minutes. I was blown away by this short film and Tom and if you haven't seen it, you need to. All of the trigger warnings though; death of a loved one, grief, alcoholism, self-harm, suicidal ideation, bulimia-like actions... it's rough and very raw and real. But it is amazing and really shows how amazing Tom really is as an actor. You will cry and be in utter awe at the same time.

Velvet Buzzsaw

This film could have used more Jon Dondon... I do want to watch this again and give a more in depth review of this film and Tom's character in it, but yeah, I loved his South African accent and his pretentious ditzy character. He is funny, sexy and charming. It is a shame that they had to kill off his character.

3 Way Junction

So... this film felt like two films smashed into one and it was weird. Tom was brilliant in it, but I am not sure what the writer(s) was to say... also he would have died... 2 weeks in those conditions and not figuring out how to survive quickly? Yeah, he would have died. No one can survive 2 weeks like that. I do think I need to see this film again to give a better more detailed review on it and Tom's character.

Mary Shelley

I do need to see this film again... but I remember Tom's Lord Byron being sexy and amazing and well worth the re-watch for all Tom Sturridge lovers.

Effie Gray

The film is kinda boring, I'll be honest. But I do love Tom in this film. He plays a hopeless romantic well. It fits him quite well. I don't have much else to say about it than that. I did see this film for the first time before I knew who Tom Sturridge was, I love period piece films, so yeah. Watched it again recently, and I loved him in it, but yeah, the film itself is kinda boring.

Far From a Maddening Crowd

OMG! I wanted to flip a table when I realized he faked his own death. And then he comes back because he wants money? Bitch! He deserved a shot gun to the chest, damn. What a bitch. A hot sexy bitch that kisses women and grabs 'em by the pussy and then leaves, but a little bitch nonetheless. Tom, coming in and serving cunt and then dying. Goddamn.

Remainder

I had no idea that Tom kisses a man in this film... I just watched it because it had Tom as the main character... and then that kiss happened... probably the sexiest thing I've ever seen. Fuck. I do need to watch this film over again to really get a feel for... well all of it... more. This film was confusing as fuck and it deserves a re-watch for a better understanding of the story and Tom's character...Tom...

There other films on the list of stuff I've watched but not all of them really need a review... at least not right now.

Does anyone else have any thoughts or comments of these films and or shows? What about Tom in general? I kinda just want to gush with Tom Sturridge lovers about his roles and just him in general. I know I could have gone more in depth on some of his roles, but I think some of his roles have stood out more than others.

#tom sturridge #tomsturridge #will donner #sweetbitter #remainder #the boat that rocked #pirate radio #lord morpheus #the sandman #dream of the endless #3 way junction #far from the madding crowd #skin #junkhearts #young carl #effie gray #mary shelley #lord byron #john everett millais #on the road #carlo marx #irma vep #eamonn #velvet buzzsaw #jon dondon #like minds #murderous intent #nigel colbie

[liminalmemories21]

Fic Writer Interview

tagged by @jesuisici33. Thank you.

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

33 apparently. How did that happen?

2. What’s your total AO3 word count? 

486,829

3. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

first four fics in the Long Story Short Series, and then It came without ribbons! It came without tags! It came without packages, boxes, or bags!

The first doesn't surprise me, just because those were the first stories I wrote so they've been up the longest. The second does.

4. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Yes. I love reading comments, and I always kind of feel like I'm having a conversation between the fic I wrote, and the comment, and then the response. It's nice.

5. What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

None? I honestly don't think anything I've written has an angsty ending.

6. What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?

All of them? I'm not writing fic to depress my serotonin levels.

7. Do you write crossovers?

Not really. Or at least not yet. I've referenced 911 (OG) in a couple stories, but no real crossovers. There's one I kind of want to write where Carlos and Eddie knew each other from before, but I haven't figured out what the point of the story would be beyond - hey look they're both from Texas (and not even near each other in Texas)

8. Have you ever received hate on a fic?

Just once. It was weird.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

I have taught myself how to.

10. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I'm aware of.

11. Have you ever had a fic translated?

No.

12. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Not one I've posted. I have co-written a couple fics that never quite got finished with a friend, in a different fandom.

13. What’s your all-time favorite ship?

Well, to write it's definitely TK/Carlos, although I have an unfinished Academic!AU for The Old Guard that I love. To read . . . do not make me choose between my children.

14. What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

See above about Academic!AU for The Old Guard. I mean never say never, but it's been a couple of years.

15. What are your writing strengths?

I like to think, dialogue, internal monologue, and a vibrant OC

16. What are your writing weaknesses?

Staring at my google docs folder and going, nope not today when it comes to editing.

17. What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

I don't. A word here or there, but my Spanish is limited to menus and slowly working my way through a museum sign. I wouldn't try and write anything in it.

18. What was the first fandom you wrote for?

Published? Tarlos.

Unpublished? Umm, let's not talk about that Smallville fic that's on a thumb drive somewhere. Or the Merlin Acamedic!AU that was just an excuse for a friend and I to write about our love affair with Edinburgh. Or The Old Guard, which I wrote recently enough that it's probably not actually embarrassing and I should really go back and reread and fix because it's like 90% done.

19. What’s a fandom/ship you haven’t written for yet but want to?

RWRB. I love those characters so much.

20. What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?

Knave-verse. Specifically Knave 2.

Also, I have a really soft spot in my heart for through sames of am through haves of give about TK's relationship with Enzo, because I love Enzo and it is criminal how the show has never given us an Enzo (although, let's be honest I'm going to be disappointed if they do and it's not Stanley Tucci).

tagging @carlos-tk, @heartstringsduet, @irispurpurea, @lightningboltreader, @orchidscript, @reyesstrand, @theghostofashton, and @walkinginland

#memes #contains me #writing meta

[tunaababee]

gonna get really sappy and DEEPLY tmi/personal about twenty one pilots on main so im gonna put it under a cut. i am cringe but i am free and clancy tour coming up is giving me Feelings

i've been a top fan since 2016. i initially had some resistance to them bc it was when Stressed Out was at its peak and like, yall know how oversaturation goes. even if its good, its fucking annoying by proxy. all the 12/13 year olds at my high school were into it. i was turning 17. and it was a really fucking rough year.

i've been deep into homestuck since i was about 14/15, but by age 16 i had branched out into text-based rp and met a guy from italy who i kind of had a situationship with i guess?? at the time?? idk if that's what the kids call it. (whenever i describe how many relationships ive had, i count this one as a 0.5) anyways. it eventually got to a point where he was emotionally abusing me for a period of about four months. it was brief, but intense, especially since im a fucking lovesick lonely teen at this point who doesnt know any better. he lovebombs me, talks to me and acts like i am his girlfriend, gets jealous and shitty if i talk about other people, but then the moment he goes and does the same shit i get told i'm the reason he was depressed, im the reason for his problems, etc. until he calmed down and placated me and won me over again. over and over, regularly, for four months. it was a lot for my little developing brain to handle.

i know people have had it longer, have had it worse, but it really left a lasting impact. i was left with a litany of abandonment issues, and self-esteem and image that was already bad was buried dead in the fucking ground. i wanted to die every single fucking day for those four months. he even told me, as i began to question my sexuality properly, that i couldnt be bi 'because i liked him'.

but he LOVED twenty one pilots. would quote their shit regularly. wore the merch. all that stuff.

by 2016 i'd managed to see clearly enough and have enough support from friends that i felt comfortable cutting him and his circle off permanently. and it was fucking hard. i didn't have a lot of irl friends at the time and it felt like my only support network. after i finally left, i was desperate to feel some semblance of control, take something back, my own personal little 'fuck you' i could carry in my heart.

with all the hype around them, i gave top a try. slowly eased my way in. i knew i was hooked when i heard Holding On To You for the first time. it made me feel like i could take back that control and find a light at the end of the tunnel.

i consumed everything they had put out after that. i saw them live at emotional roadshow sydney 2017, i was turning 18. i made so many new friends. i felt such hope in my heart. i sobbed so fucking hard when they played HOTY. they weren't the only reason i made it through, itd be naive to contribute everything to them when i've done a lot of work and so have the people around me, but they were like a lifeline to hold on to when things were hard.

i went and saw them again in 2018 for the bandito tour. i made my own outfit and was surrounded by people who had done the same. i made more friends, had more adventures. i was dropping out of high school the year that Trench released due to having the worst mental health i'd had probably since my abuse and felt so lost but it helped me feel a little more stable and grounded. like that light was still there.

a lot has happened since. i'll be 25 when i go see them in November, once again at Qudos Bank Arena in sydney. i'm in a happy relationship with someone i love who respects me. i'm doing things that make me happy. i'm happy. i've felt and experienced and lived and loved and lost and done so so so much since i was a scared 16 year old hearing them for the first time. i've gotten piercings and tattoos, something i never thought i'd do, and put their work permanently on my body. i'm so proud every time i see my tattoo on my arm. i genuinely love and accept myself exactly as i am, which is something i NEVER thought i'd do.

having Clancy come out nine years to the day from blurryface, an album that has been so deeply important to me in a lot of ways, gets me real misty. this entire tour gets me so misty. i didn't think i'd live past 18 at BEST. but i'm here and i'm fucking happy.

genuinely cannot emphasise how much this album and this tour means to me. i plan on getting a Clancy tattoo once the album comes out and i've had some time to sit with it. it feels very full circle, i guess. hearing Next Semester has just had me thinking about this constantly and all weepy all the time haha. but a good weepy.

i cannot fucking wait to scream in a stadium full of people again in a way that heals my heart.

#twenty one pilots #tw suicide mention #tw abuse mention #i wasnt kidding when i said i get real fucking tmi in here #my household already has to deal with me rambling about them all the time lol so tumblr gets the deep and meaningful

[ladyanidala]

20 Questions for Fic Writers

@sleepingbeauty21 thank you for tagging me!! This looks like a lot of fun!! :D

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

46! (That's wild, dude)

2. What's your total A03 word count?

Total AO3 word count is 127,857.

3. What fandom's do you write for?

Almost all of my fics are for Star Wars, but I do have four that are in the Attack on Titan fandom! (Still gotta watch the end of the show, rip)

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

We're Not Needed Here - 709 kudos (oh crack fic, my beloved <3)

Her Step Forward - 155 kudos (this is my first published fic on AO3, and I love it, even if I'd rewrite it differently now, haha)

(Galactic) History in the Making - 125 kudos (this is an Obitine proposal fic! Qui-Gon meddles too, and it makes me happy)

Though Darkness May Be Our Companion, I Will Watch Over You - 121 kudos (this is a Merrical fic that I wrote after I either finished playing or watching a gameplay of Jedi: Fallen Order. I love those babies :') )

Sparring with Buir - 110 kudos (Korkie and Obi-Wan spar after reuniting on Mandalore.)

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I do! I like to interact with everyone who reads my stories. I like building community!!

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Oooooh, that's a hard one. I don't write super angsty endings, bc everyone deserves a happy ending, dangit, but the one fic that does foot the bill is Ghost Star, Are You Very Far? This is a fic centered around Kata Akuna and her love for stories. Sounds cute, yeah, but BROOOO there's some angst in there, I promise.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

The happiest ending? That's a hard one as well. The one I love the most is Tequila. Very cracky, and very fun to write.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

No, not really (and that's not an invitation to start, lol)

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

No, I don't write literary pornography. It's all kinds of damaging to your brain (see increased anxiety and depression rates) as well as the rest of the body (see erectile dysfunction). Click here if you want to see more of my reasons.

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

No, I don't. My brain honestly has such a hard time making characters from different universes meet like that. They stay separate in my head XD

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Nope! (And again, not an invitation to start XD)

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yes!! The beautiful @sleepingbeauty21 is translating We're Not Needed Here. Check out No Nos Necesitan Aqui!!

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Kinda?? My brother helps me out and writes some things in my fics sometimes, but I've never done an intentional co-authored fic before.

14. What's your all-time favourite ship?

Anidala, hands down. I love them so much :')

15. What's the WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

I doubt that all my WIPs will get finished, does that count? XD

In all seriousness, my very first WIP - that's still unpublished - is sitting in my docs folder, just begging me to write more, but I feel like I'm at an impasse. I don't know where to go from where I stopped, haha.

16. What are your writing strengths?

Ummmmm, my ability to keep characters in character when I write crack??? Idk, dude, I just put stuff on a page and people like it enough XD

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

I definitely don't describe things as well as I want to. I often feel like I'm jumping from point to point in my writing without connecting it on paper. It all connects in my head, but it comes out clunky on paper.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

Would that I could :') I'd LOVE to become fluent in German or Spanish one day and write a fic!

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Star Wars!!

20. Favourite fic you've ever written?

Oh, dang, that's hard XD Ask me to pick a favorite child, why don't you? :P For the sake of finishing this, I choose Tequila again, lol. I love it so much XD

Tagging: @screwtornadowarningsimsouthern, @clawedandcute, and anyone else who wants to join, I don't speak to too many people on here XD

#star wars #fanfic #fanfic writer #ao3 #anakin skywalker #obi wan kenobi #ahsoka tano #obitine #kata akuna #merrical #calmerrin #jedi survivor #nightsister merrin #cal kestis #padme amidala #anidala #tag game #this was fun

[triskhellion]

20 Questions for fic writers

Tagged by @dear-massacre

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

Twenty-one. Twenty fics and one weird standalone soundtrack, lol.

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

195,750.

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Just Teen Wolf so far, but I maybe I'll get around to some ideas I have for The Sandman or something else one day.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Thunder (Sterek. 12.1k. Explicit. Depressed loner Derek meets on-the-run Werefox/Kitsune Stiles in rural Montana.)

The Cold Moon (Sterek, 40.6k. Explicit. Part one of a story where Stiles is forced across a mysterious boundary by Hunters and encounters a semi-feral Alpha Derek. My first published fic.)

Second Chance Strays (Sterek, 8.5k. Explicit. Mage Stiles, Derek, & Larem the deer alone in the wilderness. A Fuck or Die situation ensues when a darach attacks.)

CLAIM! (Sterek, 11.9k, Explicit. Misunderstandings and making up after Derek & Stiles meet at Jungle and hook-up.)

Customer Service (Sterek, 10.9k. Explicit. Surly barista omega Derek and human college student Stiles. Banter, vulgar latte art, and heat sex. Dominant Derek, Service Top Stiles.)

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Yes! Sometimes it takes a while, but comments are appreciated and I know I like getting responses.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I guess Amīca (Derissa) because it's an unresolved pre-relationship fic that's meant to be the first In a series. I've been a happy ending gal, so no real angsty ones so far. The angst is in the beginning and/or middle!

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

The rest of them? 😂

8. Do you get hate on fics?

I haven't yet. Knocks on wood.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Yes. Most of my fics have smut at some point, lol. Or belong to series that do/will.

Um, barebacking and creampie/breeding. Cum eating or play and marking in general, including hickeys and biting.

Virgin/first time bottoming, praise kink, light degradation, and knotting are also in a number of stories. Some spanking, bondage and pinning, and generally low-key dominance and submission. Chasing and claiming and a few omegaverse or just self-lubrication. (I have plans for more.)

All M/M or M/M/M so far, but I have WIPs and notes with other combinations. I have a bunch of Kinktober bits from 2022 to turn into fics that I'm both nervous and excited about. And lots of other ideas too.

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

Not yet, but I have a summary for a Sterek Teen Wolf/The Sandman crossover.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I'm aware of.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Nope.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

No. Sounds both fun and kinda scary.

14. What’s your all time favourite ship?

Sterek is what finally got me into fanfiction and the whole shipping fandom thing a few years ago, so I gotta go with them. I enjoy a bunch of others from Teen Wolf too (especially Steter, Stetopher, and Sterek + various people) and from other fandoms.

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

I currently intend to finish all my WIPs, but who knows what the future will hold. I have 3 posted WIPs that I definitely plan to complete: The Wolf Moon, The Depths, and 15 Shades of Red. I have dozens of unposted ones that I also hope to finish...eventually.

16. What are your writing strengths?

Apparently dialogue, world building, characters' inner thoughts, and being funny sometimes. Coming up with ideas.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Epithets. It's just tricky when the characters have the same pronouns and I hate writing their names over and over. (I don't mind when other people do it though, so 🤷🏽‍♀️. But then I'll be like, "I can't say Derek three times in this paragraph!")

I've started looking for ones to remove whenever I edit now (and I'm cringing thinking about earlier stories that I should re-edit at some point,) but I still use some and am self-conscious about it.

Also, sometimes I info dump, but that doesn't bother me so much. Boom, here's a bunch of background now let's get on with it, lol.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

I've used a few words in Polish here and there in some stories, but I probably wouldn't try to write whole conversations in another language unless I was familiar with it or could ask someone about it.

There's some Patois/Patwah in Irie, which was interesting to write because there's no one set spelling of many words, so it was part looking at common ones and part "What did it sound like/how was it phrased when this relative or family friend said something like this?"

19. First fandom you wrote for?

I vaguely recall thinking up scenes, dialogue, background, etc, for a story with Byakuya Kuchiki/Shūhei Hisagi from Bleach approximately 5 billion years ago when I was a teenager, but I don't remember if I ever actually wrote anything. Definitely didn't finish or publish anything. So...Teen Wolf.

20. Favourite fic you’ve written?

Hmm. I can't say that I have a favorite. I only started actually writing from my list of fic ideas around 16 months ago, IIRC. Maybe if I look back on them all after enough time passes I'll be able to pick one out (though knowing me...still probably not,) but right now they're all just...floating around in my head and also mixed with the particular experiences of writing them, idk.

Here's a recent one that was fun to write:

Legs (Sterek, 4.3k. Explicit. Snark and smut after college students Derek and Werecreature Stiles cross paths at the mall.)

If you want to play along, tag, you're it!

#I've had this partially done for over 2.5 months lol #so I've had to make some changes a few times #Thunder juuuust edged out The Cold Moon in kudos *yesterday* #20 questions #20 questions for fic writers #trisk #sterek #derissa

[lily-174]

Hey i saw your requests are open. Would you be able to do a Spencer Reid x teen daughter reader . Where Spencer learns his daughter is self charming. I hope you do not feel uncomfortable with things of this type

‘it’s a big deal’ - spencer reid x daughter!reader

trigger warning!!!!!

self harm, depression, angst, teenage issues.

a/n: do not read this fic if you get triggered easily, i’m only writing because i’ve dealt with this and when i was in a dark part of my life, fics like this brought me a bit of comfort.

again TW ⚠️

***

you’d dealt with a lot in your life, a lot more then a 16 almost 17 year old girl should. you’d been bullied, been put in some difficult situations been put through a severe amount of trauma relating to your fathers job and one case in particular, one of the unsubs your father and his team was after, took a liking to you. stalking, harrassment, and that resulted in him attempting to kidnap you. all of this, and the fact your mom wasn’t in the picture there was a lot going on in your life.

the negative thoughts in your head started young, no one noticed, so to you it wasn’t a big deal, and you felt as if you were overreacting, or maybe faking it. but surely it wasn’t faking it if you hadn’t told anyone?

when you were 14 things got too much in your head, you couldn’t deal with the hate in your head, the pain was more then just mental, you had no motivation, you were exhausted and withdrawn all the time, and obviously your dad being away for long periods of time he hadn’t actually noticed the change in behaviour even though he was a profiler, he hadn’t given your behaviour a second thought, because your his daughter surely you would talk to him.

you started cutting at 14, it started on your thighs, easy to hide, but eventually that wasn’t enough so you went on to your wrists, and by 16 your left arm to the top was littered with scars as well as your thighs, hoodie and jeans your go to outfit. you’d been clean before but the longest you’d even been clean was 4 months, you felt stuck. you could not get past 4 months clean.

you knew at this point you needed help, but there’s no way you could talk to your dad, he’d take time off, tell hotch, derek would also end up knowing, as well as jj, then he might as well just tell the whole team. you didn’t want anyone to look at you any differently. and you knew they would. you also didn’t want to bother them. you could deal with this on your own right.

**

one night was really difficult your dad was away, garcia would normally come by when your dad was away, or you’d go to her just to check in, so she could tell spence you were okay.

but it was a saturday, you’d been alone all day with your thoughts, this guy you’d really liked, like a lot. you hated yourself for liking him, you didn’t want a relationship but you’d been speaking to this guy ben for weeks, you really liked him, he broke it off with you, it’s not him that made you relapse. in no way was it his fault, your mind just wasn’t thinking clearly, maybe you weren’t skinny enough? pretty enough? maybe you were too fucked up for this world?

your thoughts, you couldn’t cope, you tried to fight the urges but you could feel it, you needed it. you couldn’t breathe. whys it like this?

you relapsed.

**

you woke up the next morning and got in the shower and there was that familiar burn, you got ready, jeans and a hoodie. and waited for you dad to get home, and when he finally did he gave you a massive hug and went to make dinner. you always felt better when he got home, you worried about him a lot. if anything happened to him you wouldn’t be able to live with yourself. he was your rock, even though you never spoke to him about what was going on in your head.

you went to the kitchen to help him make dinner, you were both dancing around the kitchen laughing, you missed him when he was away. you were making basic spaghetti but rossi’s version.

you needed to get the pasta sauce from the cupboard, so you opened the cupboard and reached up to get it your sleeve falling down slightly in the process your heart dropped and you rushed to pull it back up, but when you looked at your fathers face you knew he saw, that’s when that horrible feeling invaded your stomach, you felt sick. you didn’t know what to say you just looked at him.

“y/n roll your sleeves up” he knew it wasn’t right to shout or overreact, he needed to stays calm to try and keep you calm too, but his little girls been hurting herself and he wasn’t here he didn’t know.

“it’s not a big deal, just leave it.. please” you begged, your breathing becoming slightly uneven.

“it is a big deal. sleeves up.” you begrudgingly listened and rolled your sleeves up revealing the mess you’d made of yourself. spencer’s face dropped even more the dread and guilt on his face was horrendous, his heart broke right there. he looked at your arms and took a deep breath. he grabbed a first aid kit from one of the cupboards, and started cleaning your wounds, and placing sterile closing strips over any deep ones, then he bandages it up to make sure your arm stayed clean. by this point no words had been said and tears were streaming down your cheeks, the guilt you felt seeing spencer’s utter heart break at the sight of what you had done to yourself.

“i need help dad” your voice broke as you spoke between sobs, he nodded and brought you into a tight hug.

“please talk to me, just try okay kiddo? please let me help you” he said his voice broke too, and you could hear the pain in his voice. you tried your best to explain but the more you explained the more the guilt intensified, spencer’s heart hurt listening to how much pain you’d been in for such a long time and he’d never noticed.

“i’m really sorry i didn’t notice, i’ve been so busy. but i’m here now okay? i’ll stay home for a bit, i can help. statistically only around 50% of people who self harm ask for help and the majority of those only ask friends for help. so this is the first step, but it shows how brave you are, okay? i’m so proud of you for talking to me” spencer explained his voice breaking a few times, he understood, but then he just didn’t, he understood in the technical sense. but with you he didn’t, he put that down to not expecting it, and the fact it’s his daughter clouding his judgement. all he knew is that he was heartbroken. you nodded and hugged him again, tighter this time. he hugged you back, all he’d ever wanted was for you to be safe and happy. he felt as if he failed as a father.

“i love you dad, i’m sorry”

“don’t be sorry kiddo, just know i love you too, so much. so many people do. your feelings are valid, and you’re needed”

#spencer reid x reader #spencer reid fluff #spencer reid smut #spencer reid #criminal minds #criminal minds x reader #derek morgan fluff #spencer reid imagines

[dreadfutures]

🎇20 Questions for Fic Writers🎇

Tagged by @shivunin | @melisusthewee thank you!!!

Tagging: @anneapocalypse | @shift-shaping | @demandthedoodles

Empty meme for your own convenience. My answers below! 1. how many works do you have on ao3?

2. what’s your total ao3 word count?

3. what fandoms do you write for?

4. what are your top five fics by kudos?

5. do you respond to comments?

6. what’s the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

7. what’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

8. do you get hate on fics?

9. do you write smut? if so, what kind?

10. do you write crossovers? what’s the craziest one you’ve written?

11. have you ever had a fic stolen?

12. have you ever had a fic translated?

13. have you ever co-written a fic before?

14. what’s your all-time favorite ship?

15. what’s a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will? T

16. what are your writing strengths?

17. what are your writing weaknesses?

18. thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

19. first fandom you wrote for?

20. favorite fic you’ve ever written?

1. how many works do you have on ao3?

48

2. what’s your total ao3 word count?

Hit 1.5 mil last year. 1,610,652

3. what fandoms do you write for?

On AO3: Dragon Age, Elden Ring, Pathfinder TTRPG, Pokemon, Dishonored, The Legend of Zelda. Older fandoms: Spirited Away, White Collar, Maximum Ride.

4. what are your top five fics by kudos?

Dead Pasts and Dread Futures (883): DA Time Travel Fix-It.

Hero of the Wild (784): Zelda BOTW Sequel Fic.

When the Wind Whispers (573): Zelda BOTW Novelization.

The Brave Guide (285): DA Time Travel Fix-It (Continuation).

Light in the Dark (190): Zelda BOTW Childhood Fic.

5. do you respond to comments?

I try to respond to 90% of them! Though sometimes I'm slow.

6. what’s the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Probably The Hope of Fen'Harel since that's Ixchel's young!Trespasser ending.

7. what’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

the road seems too wild for mixing it with blues - Solavellan after-the-end happy ending for DPDF. :)

8. do you get hate on fics?

Yes. Quite a bit. Everyone hates Ixchel for being an SJW, and for being depressed. And for a long time, I got a lot of hate for writing some SA allusions in my Zelda fic. I delete all of them now.

9. do you write smut? if so, what kind?

Yeah, I write it, though I don't know how to describe what kind. I just write smut when I feel like writing smut. Loving smut, hatefucks, threesomes, possessive, fearful...

10. do you write crossovers? what’s the craziest one you’ve written?

Not really, no.

11. have you ever had a fic stolen?

I've had ideas that I made up wholecloth for my DA fics, stolen. I've had plot points that I took from my own life, stolen. I have had ideas, plot points, and headcanons, that I shared in DMs with trusted friends, stolen without permission or acknowledgment. This is different than the headcanons I share that my friends run with and we acknowledge where we inspire each other!! There are headcanons I came up with that other people go around saying "I'm so brilliant I feel so smart for coming up with this" but I have receipts that I'm the one who introduced them to the idea :))))))))) but I'm not here to beef :))))))))))

12. have you ever had a fic translated?

No! That would be so flattering.

13. have you ever co-written a fic before?

Several times!!! Many of my older fics were cowritten actually, it was such a fun pasttime with my friends ;-; i miss it.

14. what’s your all-time favorite ship?

Link/Zelda.

15. what’s a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

I would love to write Ixchel's first life...but it would be sad, and I don't want to.

16. what are your writing strengths?

Lyrical prose, visceral emotions and especially eldritch horror, and conveying sentiments that others have felt personally.

17. what are your writing weaknesses?

Brevity.

18. thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

So, I stopped doing it in my DA fics because the Project Elvhen creator was a bigot and kind of awful actually, and everyone would whine about not being able to understand it and being too lazy to look it up. Now I just write the English but do it in [[italics and brackets]] to convey that it's Elvhen. I think conlangs are different than real life other languages. But in other places I do things in Spanish, and I just. Leave it. People can and should look it up, or try to understand. Or my characters also don't understand it clearly, so this is a way to convey that feeling. And I think we should normalize just having dialogue in other languages, and leaving it to the reader to put in just a smidge of effort to get it--or not! I think there's importance to reading something without understanding that component but feeling the consequences of what was being said, and also, of reading something and looking it up to understand and get ADDED context.

19. first fandom you wrote for?

Maximum Ride. :)

20. favorite fic you’ve ever written?

Tie between When the Wind Whispers (BOTW) and It Ends, or It Doesn't (Dragon Age).

#tag meme #ao3

[unexpectedstormy]

20 questions for fic writers

I was tagged by a couple of people and I can't remember who, but thank you guys!!!

1. How many works do you have on A03?

18

2. What's your total A03 word count?

165,660 and 140k of that is from just this year!

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Legend of Zelda and Linked Universe, although I do have one Ao No Exorcist/Blue Exorcist manga fic that isn't finished yet and I plan to finish at some point. I have a Sonic the Hedgehog AU too but that isn't published and is only for me.

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

Recharge

For the Want of a Breath (surprised this one is so high on the list)

Hyrule and Wild Have a Hard Time (My personal Fave)

LU Whump Dump

Secret of the Sea Cave (Beats out Yukio Turn on the Light by 1 kudos)

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Most of them yes. I tend to save up comments and answer like 20 of them in a day to save time/energy.

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

That's gotta be Yukio Turn on the Light for sure (it's a story about a suicidal boy being talked back from the brink by his dead dad in order to prevent Satan from taking over the world), although Ghost Story will have a very angsty ending too (story about nine ghosts that need help making peace with their regrets so they can pass into the afterlife).

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Mmmm... that would be my FMA:B fic Actually I'm Not Sorry which is an epilogue to the manga/anime

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Not really hate but I've gotten a couple critical comments here or there. On Recharge I've gotten quite a few "Where's the rest of this fic? Hurry up and write it B(&%^" or variations of that. That's why I abandoned it.

9. Do you write smut?

🤢🤮oh heck no

10. Do you write crossovers?

Never. I don't like the foods on my plate to touch so to speak.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I know of. I probably wouldn't know if it was.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

No, but I've podficed one.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

No. When I was a kid I used to co-write original stories with my sister though.

14. What's your all-time favourite ship?

Merthur (Arthur and Merlin from the Merlin TV show). Also Sam & Jack from Stargate SG1

15. What's the WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

The Sign of the Wolf is an unpublished hibernating WIP that is a long and meandering story about a depressed post LU Wild making peace with the loss of his 8 brothers after their adventure together ended. The main premise is that each of the other Links hid care packages around his Hyrule and Wild has to go on a scavenger hunt to find them.

16. What are your writing strengths?

Dialogue comes easily to me and characterizations as long as I can figure out what makes each character think.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Dialogue tags are annoying. So are boring scenes and transition scenes. And I'm terrible about knowing what things to shorten/cut out of the story.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

Uhhh I have no thoughts? This hasn't really come up much except for sign language.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Well if you count my very first story ever I wrote at age 9 which was a Lord of the Rings superhero AU, then LotR. Otherwise, it was Sonic the Hedgehog.

20. Favourite fic you've ever written?

I gotta say: Skulltula and Thunder.

Tagging @uniquevoidflowers @nancyheart11 @ladye-zelda @spookypanda04 @hotcheetohatredwastaken

#tag game #long post #kinda #this was fun! #sorry I didn't link any of the fics #too tired for that

[rancidexpression]

Sex Adverse or Just Depressed?

I have always been quite adverse to sex. The idea of it, the build up to it, having sex. All of it. There was nothing that disinterested me as much as sex. 

When I was in maybe 6th or 7th grade, I had a friend named XXXXX. Her house was two doors down to the left of mine. I used to hate her in elementary school and she hated me too. One time she and I were waiting at the bus stop while it was raining. Our mutual hatred started off very young, as we shared a best friend. (But of course- I was the shared best friend's best friend). The story ends with her bashing my head multiple times with the metal part of her umbrella. For dramatic effect, I pretended that I had passed out on the ground while the rain poured down on me.

We made up in middle school.

She and I were in her backyard, having a sleepover outside in a tent. This is when we started to steal bits of alcohol from our parents' stash. We would fill a water bottle with 1 part liquor and 3-4 parts anything else. Probably something fucked up like CapriSun or Zero Gatorade. 

It became that time of night where insane conversation took place as a developing teen. 

“Have you watched porn before?” XXXXX whispered to me, all while stifling a laugh.

I had not.

“I have seen some on accident before, like in those sketchy ads that pop up”

I had seen those but I didn't dare click on them.

She proceeded to tell me about porn she watched. I couldn't believe it. Not because it was outrageous for someone our age to tell me this, but because I couldn't believe anyone would want to actually watch porn. It just sounded like a chore to me. 

XXXXX dared me to watch porn right then and there, nestled together in the tent. I felt like I would rather die, but I wanted to impress her. She then proceeded to type in an incognito browser on her iPod. She was smiling while she did this, and then quickly gave me the phone, and ordered me to watch it alone while she waited outside the tent. This was terrifying to me.

“ ‘Two girls one cup’?”

That was pretty much the sum of my experiences with porn.

I hate the way that men try to make eye-contact with me while eating me out. I cannot imagine that being the sexiest angle of me, in an insecure thought, and it's just weird to me. The act felt juvenile, like a joke. Staring into the eyes of someone who truly is believing that I am enjoying what they are doing. Sex in any form felt like an act for me. I loved the idea that I could be so disconnected from sex while he is genuinely, probably feeling like a God. It was pathetic. They all were pathetic. 

I started to toy with the idea of sex when I was 15. A boy quite older than I, sent a DM on Instagram. Of course he was my first love. First of many things. We were once in the backseat of his moms SUV when I sucked dick for the first time ever. He said it was the best he had ever had, and I thought that was supposed to make me feel good about myself, so I let it.  He waited till I turned 16 to have sex with me, and then broke it off in a text about a week later. 

From ages 15-17 I had had sex with 9 people. All of it was horrible. It wasn't till my first partner that I realized sex is something people expect out of a committed relationship. I was only able to give my best performance when I was drunk. It was not till 21 that I had had sex while sober and actually enjoyed it.

With almost every person I have had sex with, I pretended to cum. Not only to get the damn thing over with it, but I loved lying to men. It was my little secret, their ego growing as a consequence, my action being to try to make them think for a second that they were of importance to my sexual experience. My favorite part was gasping while they choked me, I would strain fake moans coming across as, Oh My God, Blessed Dick! Sometimes they hit my face to the point of bruising. I would go silent when this happened and it would continue. I pretended to like it.

This summer I had a string of absurd first dates. I would buy wine, one or two bottles from Trader Joes, and get ingredients to make a homemade pizza. The staff there must have pitied me for weeks. 

I would invite a man over to have dinner, wine, and play Scrabble. We would listen to a blend of our Spotify’s, and drink very fast. I loved telling them that I had never lost before, which was of course a lie. The smugness they expressed while I played my worst words made me feel a deceptors joy. These were all very important pieces in my game. All of it was routine, planned, carefully executed. This first was to make them think I was weaker than them.

I liked to think that I was taking back my sexuality, bruised and beaten and rancid and probably moldy with some kind of rare disease, (the rare disease was men who did not care about me) by trying to have the upper hand in the shared game of attraction. Once objectified by others, I would now objectify myself. It was just me repackaged with some new stickers and maybe a cooler logo. There were no winners to this game, each date was worse than the last, and I would get sadder and feel more pathetic with each

 “let's do this again” .

We both were lying. If we happen to see each other at an Aldi we would probably look down immediately.  There was no point in trying to meet each other's eyes when there was barely a connection there in the first place. He would think about me maybe one more time in his life, and this person will be a name in my notes app probably till I die. 

#artists on tumblr #creative nonfiction #creative writing #reading #stream of consciousness #writer #stream of conscious #writing

[candysweetposts]

Day 165

I have no idea what I was trying to do here.

Description:

As some of you might already know, his name is Ren Làmour. He's 100 and something, maybe 102 (in mcl universe he's like 29 or so), 182 cm or 5'11 and he's albino and a demon. He is the leader of the royal council and advisor to the king. He's a reserved guy, very strong, and doesn't smile too much. He likes to read and listen to music and WORK, of course (he's practically a workaholic). He's a great and open father and a loving husband. He's also very horny.

Ren's story it's a bit sad (because I made it when I was like 16 or so and didn't want to change it). His parents were killed sometime after he was born and, because of that, he was sent to a local orphanage. At that time, the conditions weren't so good so you can imagine what happened there. He was always very reserved so he didn't have many friends except a lovely lady from there named Anne. She was usually taking care of him and celebrated his birthday every year. One day, she died in a mysterious way and Ren was left all alone again. Luckily he got adopted by an elder man, Alexander, who turned out to be his grandfather that was looking for him all this time. He was very suspicious at the beginning but started believing as time passed by. He went to middle school where he meet this kid, bitc- ah, Yuki. He got super attached to Ren and acted like his little brother. Ren found out that his home situation was pretty bad and he managed somehow to get him out of there and welcomed him into his house.

When Ren was 16, he realized he was pretty attracted to Yuki and wondered if he thinks the same way, and guess what... he did. So they started dating in secret. At this time, Ren was training with his grandfather, and this old man was pretty strict and was pushing Ren a lot. Being a demon, he needed to learn how to control his powers and also to master them. The old man didn't like Yuki that much to the point when it looked like they really despise each other.

One day things got pretty sensual and the lovebirds decide to go all the way when they got caught. For that, Ren was sent to a military school that was in another city. There he meets Shin, a jackass who liked bullying him and also had a crush on him. There was also some intercourse and that kind of mixed Ren's brain and made him very confused.

On the Easter holiday, Ren went home just to find out that Yuki left. He didn't leave anything behind. Ren got sad and questioned his grandfather, but nothing from him. All of a sudden the old man's breath cut of all of the sudden and fell down on the floor struggling to breathe. Unfortunately, Ren couldn't do much and Alexander died in pain. Ren started crying a lot while feeling guilty. He organized the funeral by himself and went back to the high school dorms immediately. There, Shin "consoled" him and combined with all the bad things Ren went thru, made him give himself to Shin and they started dating. They graduated and moved together.

Some time passed and they got along well but one morning Ren found a note from Shin saying that he had just gone aboard with his dad for work WITHOUT TELLING HIM AHEAD, just like that. Ren got so angry and depressed and decided to visit his grandfather's grave. He didn't stay long. Back home, he got a message from someone who worked for the Royal Palace that heard about him and was willing to offer him a job as a personal trainer and tutor. This person who needed these services was a very important part of the royal family. He accepted immediately and went to see this person. there he meets Alice, s 17 years old (Ren being 18 at the time) who lived with her older step-sister. They got along pretty well and he kind of got a crush on her, but she had a boyfriend already. Alice invited Ren to have dinner with the queen so he thought of buying something for her. He went to some shops until he found a plushie store. There he meets Yuki. He got extremely happy and asked a lot of questions. Yuki simply said that he didn't want to live there anyone if Ren wasn't there. That satisfied Ren enough and they started dating again. The dinner with the queen went ok and Alice proposed that he be part of the royal council since he's so smart and strong.

Things with Yuki went ok until, one day, Ren found something he wasn't supposed to. He finds his grandfather's journal at Yuki's house. He checks it and found out that Yuki it's not who he thinks he is and doesn't like either Alexander or Ren and also wants them dead. He (more like she) pretended to be this kid all this time just to get them. Reading this, Ren felt heartbroken and confronted Yuki who revealed herself, Ren bitch-slap him and Yuki ran away without a fight. She seemed a bit hurt. Ren went home and started crying and didn't leave the bed. Alice noticed the lack of his presence and went to visit him where she found him in a really depressing state. She tried to man him up and take care of him until he felt better. They spent some time together and got very close to each other, making both of them wonder what the other felt.

Some time passed and Ren got better but... Shin came back. Ren didn't want to speak to him but still told him they were over. Shin tried to convince him otherwise but it didn't work so he kicked him out of the house. Alice told him that her step-sister (Anastasia) is looking for a roommate and he moved with her. He didn't really like her but he accepted anyway. They got fighting pretty quick so he couldn't resist and moved out. During this time, Alice broke up with her boyfriend and Ren was quite happy deep inside. They got close again and it seem like there was something there. So they started dating. Also, during this time, the queen died, Alice found out she had some siblings and meet them and Ren became part of the council... and the new king (Alice didn't want to be queen) took over. Alice and Ren decided to get married and they started living in the Royal Palace since they are both working there now. They also have 2 children (Alexander and Cordelia), for the moment (bc Alice is pregnant again).

Recently, Ren found out that his dad is the Devil but doesn't recognize him as his son. He felt a bit angry since his mom had a pretty bad experience making him and she hated both Ren and the Devil. And that's it for now.

If you read until here, have a candy 🍬, you deserve it.

#depressed man just getting hurt over and over #cuz i'm a sadist #my ocs month #original character #digital art #365 days challenge #digital drawing #drawing #illustration #my art #artwork #artists on tumblr #artist on tumblr #female artists #artoftheday #character info #portrait #art #daily drawing #ren làmour #my oc art

[adpiratecore]

Got sent a ton of numbers from the ask game post by the ever lovely @rovah17 via pm!

So here we go!

4. What are you looking forward to?

My camping trip! My birthday is next week, so me and the Boys are driving all the way to Utah (22 hrs) to camp and hopefully dig for crystals!

5. Is there anyone that can always make you smile?

My lovely fiance and partner :)

6. Is it hard for you to get over someone?

Absolutely. Still not over the girl i dated freshman year of highschool, genuinely thought she was an ethereal being and had full plans to marry her.

10. Are you good at hiding your feelings?

Sure! If you dont know me. Once uget to know me my shit is obvious lol

11. Are you listening to music rn?

Nah im listening to asmr lol

12. What is something you want right now?

I want a giant minecraft creeper plush. Like. Body pillow size. (Oh my god what if there was one of those overly sexual body pillow covers but with a creeper--- i would buy that ngl. As long as it wasnt super sexual lol)

13. How do you feel right now?

Honestly? Kinda depressed. Ive been in a weird funkrecently.

15. Personality description

I dont ever post about it, but I've actually got DID (dissociative identity disorder) so that one's hard to pinpoint? But i guess the "singletsona" or the mask we put on for basically everyone we're not close with is "chaotic nerdy punk"

16. Have you ever wanted to tell someone but you didnt?

Well, my partner (as mentioned above) is a fairly new relationship. Not even a month yet new. And we went to this convention together! Anime midwest! And we were sitting out by the fountain in the area where cars pull in for drop offs and deliveries. And all i could think about was "this would be a perfect area for a first kiss" but i chickened out and thoughtit was too soon and what if they get weirded out and--- they still dont know.

17. Opinion on insecurities.

So honestly? I think its good to have some insecurities. Like i think if everyone walked around thinking they were perfect all the time, there would be no growth as human beings, emotionally i mean. I have plenty of insecurities myself, BUT this reminds me of how many people ask me for fashion advice! I dress very alternatively and really adore my fashion style and ive yet to get a negative reaction from someone. Besides the point though, i once answered that question with "Wear what makes you want. If it makes you happy it looks good, and if someone's staring it means your hot." That just kinda randomly spewed out of my mouth and the person was like "wow thats kind of inspiring"

20. What is your favorite song at the moment?

Oh gosh good question!! Kind of depends on the vibe really, but the one i get most excited for and always sing along to is Flight Of The Crows by Jhariah

21. Age and birthday?

21!! 22 on july 26th :D

23. Fear(s)

That everyone secretly hates/dislikes me and is only keeping up relationships bc they want something out of me :)

25. Role model

Honestly i dont think i have a role model atm! I try not to compare myself with people, so my brain has turned that into dont try to be like anyone. If i reeeeeally had to choose though, my elementary school (?) Art teacher. He not only helped me with the first art project i was ever proud of, he also would be playing guitar as we walked into class and when he stopped and we thought he was done and started clapping, hed start playing again. He even played behind his head if i recall correctly!

27. Things i hate

I hate cringe culture. I also hate fast fashion. I also hate anything that makes fun of children for their interests.

28. I'll love you if...

My love language is touch, and i have chronic pain, THEREFORE, if you give me a massage im legally required to marry you. Before we started dating, i was making waffles for my partner and complained about my shoulders. They randomly came up and gave me a massage! They're stuck with me forever now (sorry babe i dont make the rules)

31. 3 random facts

AAAA I TELL THIS ONE TO EVERYONE! Any bees you see outside the hive (aka worker bees) are female! All the males are drones and only serve as reproduction matter. Had a (female) boss tell me "thats not true, they're called "worker" bees" n i looked at her, at her job, and was like "what are you doing right now"

Link, from legend of zelda, is canonically androgynous! He was designed to be able to connect with on a personal level, and therefore whatever gender the player wanted him to be

My initials are MEM and i have a friend who wanted me to marry someone whos last name started with E so we could hyphenate the last names and make my initials MEME

32. Are your friends mainly girls or guys?

Mainly girls and nonbinary folk!

33. Something you want to learn

BLACKSMITHING

34. Most embarrassing moment

Idk if this is the MOST embarrassing bc memory bad but i was on my first date with my last ex, we were bowling and it was a double date with two of their friends. They get up to bowl and as theyre trying to head to the ball dispenser, i move to touch their butt as a joke (they didnt mind we were both v touchy) and they moved away right as i did so i missed and fell off the bench. They didnt even notice lol!

36. 3 dreams you want to fulfill?

I want a farm. Not any sort of big thing, just enough acres for a few animals, a nice garden, and some bees. And maybe a blacksmith workshop.

On that farm, i want a divination shop! Just a little building with a front room for supplies and such, but the main attraction are the two back rooms. Decked out with tapestries and blankets and pretty fabric decorating the walls and ceilings, super comy couches or chairs around a beautiful table where we host readings of all sorts. Tarot, rune, bone throws, ect.

As soon as the farm starts up this one will likely be done, but to fill the time between now and then (bc farm is end goal) id love to be a theatre costume designer! Head honcho would be best, but honestly I'll take any position sewing :)

40. Favorite memory

Again, memory bad, but a good one is taking pictures of the highschool ex i thought i was gonna marry. I was in a photography class, and at the time planned on being a photographer professionally, so we ran around her neighborhood (she lived in a really nice area) and took pictures! Theres one of here where the sun speckles in and makes a bunch of "orbs" and it looks like shes surrounded by faeries.

51. Starsign

Leo sun, gemini moon, libra rising

52. Something you're talented at

I dont really think im talented at anything, but if i didnt say singing i think my friends would have me on a stake lol

53. 5 things that make me happy

Bees, stuffed animals, finishing costumes, my partners, and puppets!

55. Tumblr friends

Honestly i rlly dont have people i talk to consistently here, but id definitely say @rovah17 is one of em!! Thanks for being sweet bro :)

59. Why i joined tumblr

I was 14 and my friend i roleplayed with every single day told me i had to check this site out. Idr her reasoning, probably smth about fandoms, but ive been stuck ever since. I wish i could remember my first url lol!

That was long and i talked far too much but that was really fun to write!!!

#scouts log

[princeoftheroses]

16 17 18 19

16) how many books have you read this year?

so much 8, which is pretty low for me at this time of year. last year at least point i had already ready over twenty books haha... i'm not any more busy than i was last year (in fact i am less busy than i was less year) but i've just been more depressed/having more trouble starting books.

THAT SAID i am reading less books but i will say i have been reading a lot more good books. last year i feel like a lot of the books i had were bad or lackluster. and while not every book i have read this year is good, most of them are!!!

17) top 5 children's books?

hmmmmmmmmmmmmm

the chronicles of prydain series by lloyd alexander (i know this is 5 books but i'm counting it as one), ella enchanted by gail carson levine, and saffy's angel casson family by are pretty good. saffy's angel also has some sequels because it's a part of the casson family series, but i have mixed feelings on some of them so i'll just leave it at the first one. p.s. longer letter later & its sequel snail mail no more is also pretty good (epistolary novel my love). and OF COURSE. my ULTIMATE favorite children's novel.... anne of green gables by l.m. montgomery .... my childhood comfort book, one of my favorites... just a cute little autistic girl in late 19th century canada finding a family for the first time..........

also i know i already mentioned 5 novels but the giver quartet by lois lowry is pretty solid. well. the first two books in the quartet are, the third is all build up and no good pay-off and the finale is literally one of the worst novels i've ever read, but the first two are solid !!!!!

18) do you like historical books? which time period?

yeah sure i like historical books. i don't have any specific time period i like, i would read anything set in any time period and country as long as it's good. i'm kind of sick of victorian england, tho, but if a book was really good i would forgive it for it.

19) most disliked popular books.

oh god, where do i begin?

recently i read the seven husbands of evelyn hugo by taylor reid and it was literally so disappointing. everybody kept saying how good it was but it really was not. it was so obvious that the author was white. while it was a page-turner, the plot was pretty bad and none of the characters felt real, they were all so badly written. i thought the main love interest was such a horrible, insecure, obnoxious person, but the narrator KEPT fucking tell me how good she was when she really was not. i also thought it played into a lot of stereotypes of bisexual and lesbian people, whether evelyn "refuted" it or not.

everybody who knows me knows how much i hated the shades of magic trilogy by v.e. schwab when i read it. granted, i read it back in 11th grade, but it really made an impression on me. the plot/pacing was so, SO atrocious, wasting so much time on nonsense yet rushing the important bits. a waste of potential on all interesting concepts and characters (heck, the whole main plot concept of multiple londons was a wasted potential that never got to do anything) and the main protagonist lila was so so annoying. i don't usually the terms "mary sue" and "not like other girls" bc i feel like they're overused terms and there are more productive criticisms you can make, but "mary sue" and "not like other girls" is literally ALL lila is and she is so, SO, SOOOOOO fucking annoying and also so white!!! the "diversity" felt like the white author wanted to get points for being so woke or whatever. i think there are more books in this series now but i am still sick of it.

simon vs. the homo sapiens agenda by becky albertalli (the book love simon was based off of) was also really bad. the narrator is such a white asshole. i do understand and feel bad for his struggles as being closed and being forced out of the closet when he wasn't ready for it, but he is just so obnoxious white. he acts like nobody in the world can be more oppressed than him. and even when people go out of their way to support and help him, he still treats them like shit. he treated almost everybody in his life awfully, from his best friend leah to his sister. he is also causally biphobic at a point in the book. his best friend leah was also a fujoshi i believe - or at least, she said she really likes yaoi multiples times and that was really uncomfortable. the ending tries to make it like "wow we shouldn't assume everybody is white" when i'm like "idk i didn't assume everybody was white simon, that was all you, you're kind of assuming the whole audience is white" and it made him even more unlikable.

honorable mentions for bad popular books - the gilded wolves by roshani chokshi, the bone witch by rin chupeco, artistotle and dante discover the secrets of the universe by benjamin alire saenz

#asks #literature #long post