#literally this exact same thing happened to me half a year ago

[cupid-styles]

you're my last shot

second blurb of my fall/halloween series ! this one honestly has nothing to do with halloween but imagine it happens in fall :) there will be a halloween-themed blurb for them coming on sunday!

word count: less than 1,000

content warnings: pregnancy, discussion pertaining to abortion (no action taken)

masterlist | talk to me

fall blurb masterlist

. . .

Y/N isn't quite sure when she and Harry started hating each other so much.

It's been months, probably. Maybe a year? She doesn't really remember; all she knows is that the second he melded into their friend group, she thought he was cocky and annoying, flirting with every person who so much even looked his way, and she didn't like that. She didn't like him. 

The mutual hatred between them was fine up until now, but... now, it seems like it's a major inconvenience, because Y/N is standing in her bathroom staring down at four positive pregnancy tests and Harry — she shudders — is the only person she's slept with in the past three months.

It had been a moment of weakness. A huge one. Massive, really, fueled by a few too many drinks at the bar, a shared spliff outside, an alcohol-fueled decision of, "well, we live in the same neighborhood, may as well just take an Uber together" that ended in a heated makeout session, followed by one of the most passionate nights Y/N has ever had. (She'll never admit that to him, but she swallows it down for herself.)

There was something about that night. He was being less... awful than he typically was when their friends went out. He didn't eye fuck the entire bar, didn't buy any drinks for the cute girls flirting with him. He was tolerable and apparently that was enough for Y/N — well, drunk Y/N who gets a little too horny when she has rosé in her system, and when she eyed his large hands and tattoos in the Uber, and she felt him shift just a little bit closer to her in the backseat, and when he whispered "just for tonight, no one has to know" into her ear, she was a goner.

And now she's pregnant with his child.

What the fuck?

. . .

It turns out that that's Harry's exact response.

"You said you're on birth control—"

"I am."

"So what the fuck happened—"

"It must have failed, Harry, there's still a chance of conception even with the pill."

"Are you serious—"

"Do you think I would joke about this?"

He's pacing around the diameter of his living room, trying to digest the news. She understands. It took her about 48 hours to process that this was happening to her, and then an additional 24 when she realized she had to tell Harry. She hadn't told anyone else — not any of their friends or her mom, because she wasn't sure what she wanted to do and she didn't want her decision to be fueled by any outside opinions. As much as she despised him, she believed Harry was the only other person who had a say in this.

Finally, he sits down. Well, it's more a noisy thump as he crosses his legs on the carpet, burying his head in his hands. She sighs, feeling marginally bad for him, even if she was having the same response a few days ago.

"Listen, I'm fine to have an abortion. I know we're both pro-choice and we really don't have to do anything with this... thing. Just, like, Venmo me half the money for one and I'll get it done."

Harry looks up at her, his eyebrows knitted together in confusion. "Why would you get an abortion?"

"Why wouldn't I get an abortion?"

"Because I want to be a dad," he says with a shrug, as if it's a given that he'd want Y/N to mother his child, "You may be my only shot. We all know I have a shitty relationship history, who knows if I'll be able to have another kid."

"Harry, this is insane. We can't stand each other, this would never be a healthy situation."

"Why not?" he presses, and Y/N seriously can't believe he's fighting back on this, "Co-parenting is totally normal. We don't have to be married to have a kid together. I'm ready."

Her eyes widen. "I literally watched you funnel a bag of wine last week, and you're 29 years old."

"I only do that shit because I have no reason not to. If we're having a baby, I'm more than happy to stop partying and focus on becoming a dad."

"Do you— like, do you even know what being a parent requires?" Y/N asks, "You would be committed to dealing with me for at least 18 years. Money, emotional support, being there for everything. Soccer games, school shows, parent-teacher conferences, graduations, doctors appointments..."

"I want kids, Y/N. And if you're my only chance, I'm not gonna say no."

She thinks she might puke on the spot.

"You look like you're gonna pass out. Are you okay?" Harry questions, standing from his spot on the rug and stepping towards her. She puts her hands up, a silent and invisible boundary. He stops.

"Are you... set on having an abortion?" he asks quietly, "It's okay if you are, that's your choice."

She sighs. She hates to admit that she's not. That over the past four days, she's envisioned what it would be like to snuggle her sweet baby, to kiss them and hold them and be a mom to them. That, worst of all, her dating history is just as glum as Harry's and, whether she likes it or not, he may be her only shot at parenthood, too.

"I guess I'm not," Y/N breathes, setting her eyes low to the ground. "I know I only have so much time and... I do get scared that I'll miss my opportunity."

"Yeah," he nods in understanding, "Do you wanna... like, take some time to think then? Maybe reconvene in a couple of days?"

Reluctantly, she agrees. But she already knows that she doesn't need any more time to mull it over — she wants to have this baby with Harry. 

#writing #harry styles #harry styles writing #harry styles imagine #harry styles x reader #harry styles fanfic #harry styles fan fic #harry styles one shot #harry styles fic #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles x you #harry styles blurb #harry styles smut #harry styles fluff #harry styles angst #harry styles x oc

[bellewintersroe]

Max Verstappen x HornerDaughter!

Part 2 - here is the LINK to the first part! Leni has to act dumb to everything Max has told her when they’re in Monza where Kelly is. She witnesses a somewhat awkward interaction and Max gets suspicious when Leni is close with Carlos.

Warnings: mentions of arguments, probs some swearing, jealousy and impure thoughts. A little naughty thing happens between Leni and Max, but nothing major.

A couple days later we were all back together in Monza for the following Grand Prix. It was more than a success for Red Bull, with Checo taking second and Max taking yet another win. Red Bull now had 10 consecutive wins a row. It was party central around the grid, plus Sainz had bagged 3rd place which he truly deserved, he fought off the RB’s like a mad man for a good 15 laps. After his birthday yesterday, I congratulated him with a massive hug.

“You really deserved that, well done.” I hugged the Spanish man. I’d met Carlos years ago when he signed with Red Bull back in 2010.(I fancied him). Now he just felt like my older brother. Okay maybe that was a weird thing to say.

“Thank you, miss Leni. I missed you.” He gave me a tight squeeze back as I smiled adoringly towards Carlos. “I miss you Carlos, I hope Ferrari are treating you better than before the summer break.” I half joked.

“Yeah, me too.” His eyes widened. “Will you be out tonight?” Carlos then questioned. “Probably, I think we’ll be at the same place, -are you celebrating your birthday too?” “Of course.” He smirked. “I’ll come over and say hi. Get you a couple birthday shots!” I nodded as the older man laughed. “Drinking competition.”

“Are you trying to kill me? I’ll see you tonight, Carlos.” “Yes, let me know when you are in there. I think somebody wants to speak to you.” Carlos nodded behind me as my brows furrowed slightly as I spun around, hand sliding off Carlos’ arm. Max was lingering, a huge smile plastered across his face as he attempted to bite it back, nodding towards Carlos. My heart fluttered pathetically as I laughed out of pure ecstasy.

“Max!” The two of us embraced tightly as he lifted me up. “Oh my god, I’m so happy for you.” I felt the breath of his laughter against my bare shoulder as he gently eased me back to the ground.

“Thank you, thank you. I’m so happy.” He modestly spoke, cheeks flustered from his excitement. The whole morning I had to act sheepishly around him and Kelly, purely because of what he told me when he was drunk. For a second of seeing him, I forgot what I felt awkward about. But when his hand lingered on my upper back, I felt the exact same itch of guilt that had pestered me all day.

“Good, you should be. You’ll be celebrating tonight, right?”

“Maybe, maybe.” He shrugged, hand slipping off as I crossed my hands over my chest. “Maybe? Max you’ve literally beaten a world record, you can’t not!” I nagged, pulling on his arm dramatically.

He smirked sheepishly, laughing to himself as we began walking back to the Red Bull garage. “Carlos is going out!” I spoke, as though that would sway him. “I’m sure Checo is too!” “Go party with Carlos.” Max shrugged nudging my arm. “Huh?” I asked loudly. “Huh?” He mimicked as I scoffed out a laugh. “I thought you… you know- I mean now you’re single-” “Ew, what’re you trying to say?”

“Yes, what are you trying to say, Max?” Another female voice interrupted and I tilted my head up, stomach sinking to see Kelly. “Hi Kelly!” I politely smiled. “Hey.” She smiled back. It was about as far as our friendship ever got, I always made an effort with her, but she was quiet in general, maybe the 13 year age difference between us was a bit too extreme. I was just being a hater.

“Well I thought now Leni is single she might have been… interested in Carlos.”

“Oh.” Kelly’s face relaxed as I felt my frown grow harder. “Carlos? He’s known me since I was like 9!” I grimaced towards Max, feeling Kelly staring right back to her boyfriend. Max shifted uncomfortably. I felt uncomfortable- god he needed to just tell the woman what he was feeling.

“Oops.” Max shrugged as we shared another laugh. Kelly on the other hand, didn’t seem amused. “No hug for me, Max?” She sassed as I felt my stomach churn in guilt. Max’s mouth opened to respond and I wanted to yell out, hug her you fool.

“I’m gonna go, see you both later.” I awkwardly excused myself, wanting to literally throw myself off a cliff. A shudder ran down my spine, cringing at the whole interaction. This whole crush on Max had to stop, how the hell could I limit interaction between us without it looking so obvious?

Limiting interaction is what I tried to do. I kept my distance from Max the whole evening, opting to chat with Checo rather than be around where he and Kelly bickered. It wasn’t anything new the arguments, my dad often said it was Max’s number 1 distraction. Knowing what I now knew, I agreed. I just had to keep my head down and act like whatever they were arguing about wasn’t loud enough that you could hear Kelly over the music.

Minutes later she stormed out, tipping a few drinks off the table in the process. Max groaned into his hands, luckily, Hannah, the strategist, reassured Max she was leaving anyway and she’d fix it. I kinda felt bad for him, he’d just won yet another world title and this had to happen tonight. He looked a little sad, the minute my heart churned I turned my attention elsewhere. I hated the way I wanted to go and speak to him, it wasn’t right. Max needed to end the torment Kelly was probably feeling and sort out their god damn mortgage issue.

Desperate to avoid any form of drama, I escaped to go spend some time with Carlos and the Ferrari team for a while. I looked like a little backstabber, playfully sticking my fingers up at people from RB. I’d fully danced my feet off, and I was exhausted from all the day drinking combined with the heat at Monza.

After saying bye to a bunch of people, I slipped outside, bagging a cigarette off somebody as I stumbled to an empty table, booking an Uber.

“12 minutes? Ugh.” I muttered to myself, quite literally desperate to throw myself in bed. My ankles were desperately hurting where I’d grown uneasy in my heels, and it was beginning to radiate up to my shins. I lit the cigarette and began puffing on the stick that I normally wouldn’t smoke sober.

“I didn’t know you smoke?” My heart skipped a beat as I dropped the freshly lit cigarette into a puddle next to the chair. “I don’t anymore.” I cleared my throat, glancing up to Max quickly. Where had he come from?

“Don’t tell Geri or my dad.” I commented as he let out a soft chuckle. “I won’t.”

“Thanks… what’re you doing out here?”

“Leaving.” He shrugged, sitting across from me. “Oh, me too. You can get in my Uber if you want.” I offered.

“Yeah please, I’ll pay. I gotta go and… find Kelly.” He awkwardly spoke as I glimpsed away at the mention of her name.

“No, you don’t have to pay.” I ignored the last part of his sentence, shaking my head firmly. “I do.” Max firmed. “I don’t mind Max, he’s 10 minutes away, anyway.” I looked back down to my phone as he nodded. “I’ll split share.” He offered, reaching over to tap my phone onto his contact to share the cost. “Okay.” I shyly spoke watching him slide my phone back to me.

“You ok?” He then questioned as I glimpsed back up. “Yeah, I’m good. Are you?”

“Yeah.” He sighed, running his hand through his slightly messy hair. He had stubble growing in areas that made him look extra manly, and I had to pinch my bare thigh to focus on what he was saying.

“Not exactly the best night.” Max awkwardly chuckled as I began picking at the wood on the table, thinking carefully about my words for a good few seconds. “You should tell her, Max.” I boldly said. I felt him shift uncomfortably, when I looked up he was too staring at the table. I assumed he knew what I was talking about. “I know.” He chewed on the inside of his cheeks.

“I didn’t think you’d remember..” he then added on as I let out an awkward laugh. “I didn’t think you would. You’re rich enough, just pay off the mortgage and then that’s out of the way.” “I was talking to my accountant about it.” He rubbed his face. “That’s why she was upset.”

“Oh.” I commented, my eyes roaming around any part of the smoking area, as long as I didn’t make eye contact with him, it was fine.

“Yeah.” Awkward, my teeth sunk into my bottom lip, probably taking off half the lipgloss I’d just applied. “Awkward.” I blurted out, earning a laugh from Max as we caught each others eyes again.

“You don’t have a filter do you?” I felt my cheeks warm desperately as I tried not to smile. “I mean- just not after a few drinks.”

“It’s funny, Leni.” He giggled as I took a sharp breath, “it gets me in trouble sometimes.” I shrugged. We made small talk back and fourth for the next ten minutes before climbing in the Uber together, it was safe to say neither of us was as drunk as we were that night on the beach, we actually had some restraint about us.

“I forgot to take my brother to his tutor today!” I spoke up, turning to face him. Max’s head was rested back, lolling to look at me with a soft gaze.

“How? Why does he have a tutor on a Sunday?” He spluttered out a laugh.

“You tell me. My dad was speaking to me and I forgot to listen- took Monty up to the paddock, he knocked himself out on Gelato, the same way I did the free champagne, and I just… forgot.” “Oh, Leni.” Max laughed, reaching over to slightly touch my hand through his amusement. I spared a quick glance down to his hand, it was inching closer to my own, nudging against it with every bump of movement in the car.

“It was stupid.” I muttered on a sharp intake of breath. Max looked back to me, smiling, I shyly caught his eye, feeling his fingers graze over mine to hold onto my hand. He was smiling, glancing down to our hands and I couldn’t process the butterflies he gave me. The way my heart set off racing, how I felt like I couldn’t speak. What on earth was happening right now?

What followed was a terrible guilt. “Max.” I exhaled, softly parting out hands. I didn’t know what that was, or how it happened so quickly, of course it wasn’t a kiss, but the movement made me truly question if Max and I were actually just friends? Max straightened in his seat, clearing his throat.

“I’m sorry.” He muttered. I trapped both my hands between my knees. I didn’t quite know what to say, I glanced out of the window, pursing my lips slightly. “You need to tell her.”

#max verstappen #max verstappen x reader #max verstappen x you #max verstappen fanfic #Max Verstappen angst #f1 x reader

[midnightloversmusic]

oh my gosh hi!!!! my brain has been fermenting like two zillion & a half poly marauders ideas SO I HOPE YOU DONT MIND me dumping them here (incase theyre of any interest)

the whole band thing w the marauders except reader too oh my gosh.

or anything with kids, id die.

introductions to the muggle world???? especially sirius & james.

ANYWAYS lavalavayouu

STOP I LITERALLY JUST SAW A TIKTOK W/ THIS DAD PLAYING A SONG ON GUITAR TO HIS DAUGHTER AND I IMMEDIATELY THOUGHT OF JAMES THIS IS SO PERFECT!! I am also about to go to sleep so please don’t yell at me if this is all over the place. love youuuu thank you for requesting!

masterlist

band!poly marauders x gn reader

After your daughter was born you and your boys decided it would be best to take a break from touring and creating albums for a year to spend as much time as possible with your little girl. During that time none of you completely stopped writing and playing music, but you were prioritizing family time.

Now that your daughter turned one just over a month ago you decided it’s time to start working on a new album. You planned to bring up the idea to them after your daughter went to bed. You all took turns putting her to sleep and tonight it happened to be remus’ turn.

You were sitting on the couch in the family room braiding sirius’ hair as he sat on the floor in front of you, telling you about a new concept for a song he came up with that he just can’t seem to find the words for. He’s been begging you to do a french braid in his hair because he can figure out how to do one plus, you think to yourself, he really likes having his hair played with. Knowing this you take extra time to run your hands through his hair and scratch a little at his scalp.

James is in the kitchen attempting to make hot chocolate while also dancing to Christmas songs playing in the background. From your spot on the couch you are able to see the exact moment he tried to spin while holding cocoa mix and ended up spilling it all over himself and on the floor. You snort.

Remus finally emerges from your daughter bedroom and takes a spot next to you on the couch.

“Hi, love”

He says softly planting a soft kiss on your forehead and leaning down to give Sirius’ shoulder an affectionate squeeze.

When you look up from your loving stare at your boyfriends you are met with the sight of James clumsily trying to carry four mugs of hot chocolate over to you, Remus, and Sirius.

When everyone finally settles down and you all fall into a comfortable silence you decide to ask about the album.

“Hey, we said we’d wait a year to do anything music related and it’s been just over one. I was wondering if you all are ready to make a new album? I know the fans are supportive of us taking a year off for our daughter but i can tell they are anxious for a new album and I think it’s time, you know?”

You end with a questioning tone, while waiting for their answers you fiddle with the end of the braid you finished in Sirius’ hair.

“You know i’m more than ready babe, you just listened to me rant about a song idea for ten minutes straight!”

Sirius says enthusiastically from his spot on the floor, smiling up at you.

James nods in agreement.

“I’ve missed making music, i’ve been coming up with some really promising things on the drums lately. I think it’s a great idea to start back up!”

You smile at him, happy that both James and Sirius were thinking the same thing as you. Remus looks hesitant though,

“I think it’s a great idea, and i’ve been anxious to get back to the studio but I just want to make sure we aren’t jumping into this too quick. We have to pace ourselves and really go slower this time around. I want to make time for our daughter and I want her to be a part of the process.”

Remus says.

“Well obviously Moony! We wouldn’t dream of making an album without her, she’s our muse for crying out loud!”

Sirius exclaims, turning his body to completely face remus and give him a humorously exasperated look.

“So it’s settled then?” James questioned from the floor.

“time to make a new album” you say as a smile takes over your face.

#band!polymarauders #poly!marauders #marauders x reader #poly marauders #remus lupin fluff #remus lupin x reader #sirius black fluff #james potter x you #remus fluff #remus lupin #remus lupin blurb #james fleamont potter #james potter fanfiction #james potter #james potter fluff #james potter x reader #sirius black x you #sirius black x reader #sirius black imagine #remus x sirius #sirius x reader #sirius black #remus x you #remus lupin fanfiction #remus lupin imagine #polymarauders #poly marauders x reader #dad!sirius #dad!remus #dad!james

[momentomori24]

Ok, ZERO ESCAPE 999. This game was a weird one for me. Definitely great, do not get me wrong--- I LOVE this game to pieces and after finishing this post I will finally start VLR during the weekend (hopefully), and mull over the characterization because what the hell, everyone is absolutely hilarious (Junpei, Snake, Seven and Santa specifically I'm looking at you)--- but it certainly left me with a bunch of questions to which I have no answers. Which makes sense considering the next game will most probably pick up where 999 left off so I won't touch on that too much, but everything really felt like a crazy, confusing, convoluted fever dream. In a good way. But still, very cryptic.

Speaking about fever dreams, June's situation is the most unique circumstance for a character I think I've ever seen. If I have everything correct (and correct me if I'm wrong), she originally died in the present timeline in the incinerator room long ago and somehow the Akane we meet in the Nonary Game exists simultaneously dead and alive at the same time in the aftermath of that event--- so basically Schrödinger's cat. The Nonary Game was set up to make Junpei save the Akane through telekinesis to create either a separate timeline or more likely influence the present one so that she can exist normally. That's why she's doomed to disappear in every ending; Junpei doesn't get to recreate that exact scenario in the incinerator room, so past Akane never reaches him and dies the way she was supposed to, meaning June ceases to exist as a consequence. And the burning fevers she would randomly get are her body reliving the memories being burned in the incinerator room 9 years ago. Did I get that all right? If so, then wow, that's not a twist I saw coming at all. Props to the creator of the game, but also how dare you doom my girl like this.

My biggest question how tho. I know that's not the best question to ask in a game where we are literally on the replica of the titanic, the exact same place where half of the cast along with other kids where brought to almost a decade ago because they were targeted by a supposed medical company and leader of said company is also part of our gang, forced into solving locked rooms while death hangs over their heads until 9 hours are over but our protagonist can turn back time without even knowing it every time things go bad, but still. If it's revealed later on then please don't tell me. If not, go ahead.

This is my second attempt to type this because my first drafts somehow didn't save and I'm too lazy to re-do everything so I'll bullet point:

•What happened to Santa in the true ending? Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think he was present during our car ride. Ace was there, though, despite being taken hostage by him and led away.

•So June is alive, right? Since we rewrote the timeline and helped Akane survive, what happened to her? She vanished on us during our confrontation with Santa, so where did she end up when everything was over?

•Who the hell killed everyone in the other endings? We know Clover goes crazy in one and Ace kills her in another, but what about the rest? We know it's not one of us because every single person we have gets slaughtered in the Sub endings with Junpei last. I did make post about it and I'll stick to what I said, but I guess I'll wait and see if the next game will answer.

•Who is Zero. That's it. I was thinking it was not Santa, to gradually being persuaded into thinking it could be him due to the evidence pointing into direction only for it to have really not him. He is actually more involved than most, but he's not the guy we're looking for (good). Give me answers, game.

Well, rant over for now. I'll probably slightly touch on VLR because I have an assessment to revise for, but I'm excited! I've heard a little about the gameplay and I'm really curious to see how it will pay out.

#momento rambles #zero escape #no proof read I die like my sleeping schedule

[youkaigakkou-tl]

Chapter 102 Translator's Notes Thoughts

You know what, I sort of thought I wouldn’t have much to say about this chapter, considering I’d already pored over all the details from Makuragaeshi arc and Yoseito, and in comes Tanaka Mai with a metal bat!

Summary:

Stuff about the color page

Actual translation note about the divine magic stuff

Stuff about the time travel

That theory I have about Haruaki’s exorcism power

(future op after writing the whole thing: jesus christ this is 3000 words. somebody stop me before i come out with a 70 page peer reviewed thesis one of these days)

Color page

The one with purple hair is Akira LOL I think everyone got got by it for at least a second because we’ve been seeing Douman so much, especially with that half the face blacked out, but look at the hair part. Also I only realised because of this art that Kurai and Akira have a mole by the mouth in the exact same spot, makes sense why he wants to cover it up now. (Irrelevant but I also have a mole in that same spot)

Also, the red string of fate…

Hey remember what happens in Makuragaeshi arc. yeahhhhh hahaha just stab that knife right into me hahaha sensei you would do this to them? to me?

A lot of the original folklore for the red string of fate is pretty mean, but the important common thread (heh) is that the two people meet long ago briefly and part ways, until they eventually get married while not remembering that first encounter, then they find out they knew each other from that first encounter. (Hey why does this sound like almost all the things that happen pre-main story in yohaji. Who is making spiderwebs with the threads of fate up there.)

Red string… Hatanaka’s red scarf, which Ibara knitted for him… His scarf, which isn’t present in the Makuragaeshi world… Tanaka Mai you are fucked up and evil for this. I am going to lie in the sand now.

The scarf… which she knitted for him maybe because she saw him with it 100 years ago…

Divine Magic

Ok I’ll be real I hate translating it as “divine magic” because it’s so vague but translating it as the actual Buddhism term is too specific and technical, when the word in Japanese and Chinese uses very common characters so it’s vague enough while still being the actual Buddhism term.

This chapter specifically calls back to chapter 22, and I totally didn’t recall any mention of anything divine so I had to double check with the JP. Sure enough, it’s used here, translated as “divine youkai magic”. But the thing is, in this situation “divine” just sounded like an adjective for “youkai magic”, rather than the whole phrase being a proper noun which is obvious in JP. (This is sort of why I’m going with “divine magic” instead, and that there’s nothing in the JP word that says “youkai” anyway) (By the way, it’s also on the blackboard in Miki’s class in chapter 96. I translated it as “divine power” then because there was no context)

The word is “神通力 jin-tsuu-riki”, and the Buddhism concept it’s referring to is Abhijñā, or the “six types of higher knowledge”.

Breaking down the word,

神 jin: god/divine

通 tsuu: connection/understanding/knowledge

力 riki: power

Exactly as Hatanaka explains it, in the most literal sense, it means “power that has connection to the gods”. “Jintsuuriki” is also another word for psychic powers in general, but it’s definitely this Buddhism concept because of the names of the six types.

Hatanaka just summarized it, so I think it’s safe to assume there’s more to all of them, and also I want to explain what each of them does anyway, even if they definitely won’t end up being the exact same in the manga.

^ Putting this here so it’s easy to refer to.

1. 神足通 Jin-soku-tsuu (Divine step)

Literally translated, it is “god step connection” (all of them end in “tsuu”). The specific name for it is Iddhi, and is generally called “higher powers”, or “powers of transformation”? I went with a name that’s almost a literal translation of the JP.

The specific abilities attributed to it include:

Replicating and projecting images of oneself

Becoming invisible

Passing through solid objects

Going through solid ground

Walking on water

Flying

Touching the sun and moon

Chinese and Japanese descriptions of it also mention “teleportation” or “being anywhere at will”, though strangely English descriptions of it almost never have this part.

The principal uses this one, and Hatanaka thinks Tamao used it (spoiler: he was wrong).

2. 天耳通 Ten-ni-tsuu (Clairaudience)

Literally translated, it is “divine ear connection”. Fairly self explanatory. Also described as “god-like hearing”, it’s the ability to “hear gods or humans, near or far”.

Interestingly, Hatanaka uses “地獄耳 jigoku-mimi” to describe “having sharp ears”, which itself is a fun phrase. It means “hell’s ears”, referring to King Enma, who hears of everything you’ve done in life and judges you accordingly. Though, in everyday speech it just means “someone who hears all the gossip”, but rarely it also means “someone who remembers everything they’ve heard”.

3. 他心通 Ta-shin-tsuu (Telepathy)

Literally translated, it is “others’ hearts connection”. Also fairly straightforward. The concept of “reading minds” in English is “reading hearts” in Japanese and Chinese. There’s probably a separate essay here about the West’s scientific and medical advancements and how with it, the core of what defined a human was shifted from the heart to the brain, changing the sort of words people use with it. Oh hey wait there IS a video essay about this. (ah shit this is getting off topic)

Anyway. It’s also described as being able to “understand others’ minds/hearts as if they were your own”. I feel this is the one the karasu tengu troupe used in chapter 21/22 to conjure up the illusions of Miki, Sano and Haru’s fears. (But the “conjuring illusions” part could also be the first one.)

4. 宿命通 Shuku-myou-tsuu (Memory of abodes)

Literally translated, it is “abode lives connection”, which… means what exactly? So, “宿命 shuku-mei” together means “karma” or “fate”, and it’s described as the “knowledge of oneself and others’ past existence”, referring to memory of past lives, but also refers to knowledge of karma, cause and effect and the past in general.

(Honestly I don’t like my name for it, but every other name for it I’ve seen is too long and unrepresentative, I’ll probably come up with a new translation if it comes up again and there’s more info given about it. Also I almost went with “remembrance”, which tbh is a better sounding name but I would be exposing that I’ve been playing too much honkai star rail)

I think this is the one Tamao actually used, and I’ve seen some CN comments come to the same conclusion. By the way, remember Yoseito chapter 1?

Unbelievable! Everything really is “haha jk…unless” with this manga!

5. 天眼通 Ten-gen-tsuu (Clairvoyance)

Literally translated, it is “divine eye connection”. Also pretty self explanatory. It is described as seeing the karmic destinations of others, and knowing how they’ll be reborn. It’s also called “死生通”, or “knowledge of life and death”. Sort of a set with the previous one, knowing cause vs knowing effect.

This is the one Haruaki thinks Seimei has, and he’s probably right (somewhat). I’ll elaborate in a sec.

6. 漏尽通 Ro-jin-tsuu (Affliction riddance)

Literally translated, it is… honestly idk this name itself means nothing. But translations have put it as “extinction of mental intoxicants” or “knowing the end of suffering”. Tbh this is also one that I’m not super happy with and would retranslate if it comes up again. Hatanaka couldn’t be bothered to actually summarize it LMAO it’s probably because this is a very VERY Buddhist concept. It’s described as “knowing the four truths; suffering, the cause of suffering, the end of suffering, and the way to end suffering”.

The thing you have to know about Buddhism is it’s really obsessed with suffering, the idea of reincarnation and that it comes from worldly impurities (including suffering), and getting out of the cycle of reincarnation by getting rid of worldly impurities. Like, that’s the thesis statement of Buddhism. Reincarnation exists but the world sucks so you want to get out of it. (gets torn to shreds by my Buddhist relatives for badmouthing it) (so far from all my reading and personal experience with my Buddhist grandparents there is nothing forbidding you from tearing someone to shreds) Anyway. This has been my bitching about Buddhism tangent.

These last three are sometimes considered as a set, and collectively called the “three wisdoms/knowledges”

Hey did you fall asleep (throws chalk at you) wake up!

If you’ve been paying attention to both this essay and the manga itself, you may have noticed that Seimei has demonstrated almost all of these to some degree. Whether this is intentionally something the story is implying and wants the reader to figure out or if it’s pure coincidence, I’m not sure, but it’s something to think about. Also, the “seeing the future” one could totally be applied to Kurahashi. Eyebrow raise?

Also, here’s this ask I answered about the ramifications of Seimei having divine magic.

Intermission

This is something I’ve only come to realise with Yohaji, it’s really so fascinating to see the author in a work (in moderation of course). When viewing a piece of work, especially something framed as lighthearted like a manga, it’s so easy to forget the author behind it and treat the work as if it came into existence by itself. Perhaps because Yohaji contains so many references to real-life mythologies and stories, or perhaps because I’ve been poring over every detail, reading about every reference, reading sensei’s tweets and experiences, that what sorts of topics Tanaka Mai is interested in has become apparent and Yohaji is all the more fascinating for it.

Every one of her previous oneshot/short-serialization works before Yohaji has either made mention of Buddhist terms, or is entirely based on it.

Karma Karma, a 3-shot from 2014 (a year before the start of Yohaji), is about the Buddhist concept of hell and a king of hell who accidentally brought sinners from hell back to the living world.

Gokuraku Joudou no Hotoke-san, a oneshot from 2013, besides obviously referencing the Buddhist pure land in the title has wisdom king Acala and Yakushi Nyorai be its protagonists.

Unfortunately, I don’t think I’ll ever get to read any of these, since they’re from 10 years ago and I’d have to contact a collector about it or something.

In any case, this is clearly something she’s interested in and knows a lot about, and it’s always so interesting to see. It’s always been present in Yohaji too, from the early drafts being more Buddhism-themed, to Sano’s magic circles featuring sanskrit and resembling a mandala in early chapters, to busting out a sutra excerpt in chapter 85.

Maybe it’s a fiction faux pas to pull back the curtain and look at the inner workings of a work like this, but I think I get to decide how I interact with a work.

Time Travel

YEAHHHH I CALLED IT IVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS!! ITS SO OBVIOUS IT WOULD HAPPEN ITS BEEN SO OBVIOUS FOR A YEAR I SHOULDN’T HAVE LET PEOPLE TALK AUGUST 2022 ME INTO THINKING ITS STUPID!! ITS SO REAL!!! IM A GENIUSSS yeah anyway had to get that out of my system

First of all, we get a good look at the schoolhouse. This is probably the old schoolhouse, or at least in the location of the old schoolhouse. Architecturally it does look different from both times we’ve seen it, in volume 5 and Yoseito’s Izuna flashback arc. It’s entirely possible that the principal had it rebuilt and more floors added in the 100 years he was using it. By the way, based on the turtle map and being able to see the mountain behind the school, it’s likely that this is where it is.

The beam of light on the mountain opposite the school is almost certainly because the gang ended up at the location of the current schoolhouse, which is still just forest at that point. And there is not a single doubt in my mind that the teacher is Ranmaru.

Ok tbh I don’t have that much to say about the time travel half of the chapter mostly because it was just establishing the premise for what’s about to happen for the rest of the arc, so here’s some disjointed thoughts.

First off, even if it’s not obvious, Haruaki does indirectly cause this to happen. Besides nudging the world into the situation at the start of the chapter in a million cumulative little ways, he’s the one who brings up whether Tamao can use any other type of magic.

Also, this chapter made me realise something about Yoseito chapter 28. It makes sense that Yamazaki wouldn’t have recognized Hatanaka before that moment when he made the connection, because for all intents and purposes he knew Hatanaka as just this delinquent kid who even dyed his hair. Even the name “Hatanaka” doesn’t help, mind you, since he’s got dozens of siblings and extended family whose surnames are all “Hatanaka”. Unless they specifically told the Meiji trio the exact situation, and even then, this is probably just “that weird story from when we were in school” to Takahashi and Yamazaki. (a la teacher trio not making the connection that they met years ago until it was specifically pointed out) It was only at that moment that he started to resemble the version of him a year from then, when the time travel would happen.

Anyway, what in the world could possibly happen to Takahashi that he ends up like he does on the color page and looking so shaken in chapter 98… I sure hope the stuff on his face is actually just shading and not blood…. We do have precedent of that half of the face being covered in blood….

And one last thing that might be addressed, something in this arc will probably cause Ranmaru to quit being a teacher (based on makuragaeshi arc), though like the Takahashi thing, I couldn’t even begin to guess what. I can’t see the future, after all! (I feel like I've made this joke before)

The True Nature of Haruaki/Seimei’s Exorcism Power

(sounds like a clickbait title lol)

This is something I realised while answering this ask, but it’s a realisation that could have come way sooner because it doesn’t really hinge on info from chapter 102.

Here’s the parts to this theory: (anything that’s directly quoted has been double checked against the Japanese in case the nuance is slightly different)

Youkai magic is powered by spirit energy (no shit sherlock)

Clarification addendum: spirit energy is called “you-ryoku 妖力” and youkai magic is “you-jutsu 妖術”. both use the same “you” as in “youkai”, and the word on its own kinda means magic-y creature-y things (its usually used with another word to clarify what exactly is magic-y). Literally translated, “you-ryoku” is “youkai energy/power”, and “you-jutsu” is “youkai technique”. its very no shit sherlock.

This exorcism power exorcises spirit energy, and also works on gods to a lesser degree.

This implies the exorcism power has broader spanning effects than is stated, or “spirit energy” isn’t as specific of a concept as previously thought.

Spirit energy is basically interchangeable with “human life force” which is also interchangeable with “human souls”

In chapter 76, Takahashi reveals that if the mother is human, the spirit energy a half-youkai baby needs will be substituted by her life force. Also of note, he reveals that youkai can produce spirit energy and humans can’t.

When talking about youkai that eat spirit energy, “souls” are almost always brought up alongside it. Miki’s mom is said to eat both spirit energy and souls, the makuragaeshi eats both spirit energy and souls. The kasha did throw out the pure youkai Takahashi, Hatanaka and Marshmallow to leave only those with non-youkai blood or souls, but it also didn’t seem to be against attacking them.

In chapter 74, Takahashi says he sensed spirit energy in the hospital, but he examines the gashadokuro and finds it’s formed from human souls. Also in chapter 70, the ability to see spirit energy and souls is lumped together.

And now, one of the loose ends from Kyoto arc: Suzaku saying that “humans shouldn’t overuse powers like that” and was about to say something about life force.

Do you see what I’m getting at here? It sounds likely that “spirit energy” and “life force” are the same thing but in different forms, and assuming there’s not an entirely separate power system that has nothing to do with spirit energy, there’s a possibility that Haruaki/Seimei’s exorcism power runs off life force instead.

This has a few fucked up implications, namely there’s a possibility that Seimei was going to die anyway even without being (debatably) murdered, and also obviously Haruaki… um….

“Souls are equivalent to life force” and “exorcism power runs off life force” would also help explain why his intelligence soul piece could also use it: it just happened to be the biggest piece of his soul (also explaining why it’s physically bigger than the other 4), and it could be that all the pieces had the ability, just that the biggest piece had the “battery” to actually use it.

(I have Many Thoughts about the soul pieces btw, that may never get elaborated on in the story. No not just that white hair Haru is hot! I feel like there’s something more to it than just being 5 parts of his personality. Like, they say there’s a piece that’s the manifestation of his desires, but the athletic piece is into sailor uniforms too? That’s a conclusion the students came up with, after all, and it’s not like anyone present was an expert on this stuff, and anyone who might have known more aren’t saying anything (Ranmaru, Douman, SEIMEI???). Do you get this feeling? That there’s something purposely left unexplained there…)

He also calls out the similarity between his powers and the students’ powers often (off the top of my head, there’s at least a few times with Sano, also with Nyuudou, and now with Tamao). It’s probably his efforts to show he relates to them, but also… yknow…

Of course, there’s details that this theory doesn’t fully address. Both times Miki’s mom ate Haruaki’s soul, she immediately noted it tasted bad, so it’s probably not because of Seimei taking control and actively fighting his way out, rather something inherent about his soul that makes it different from regular human souls or even youkai souls.

This is all pretty fucked up and I don’t necessarily think Tanaka Mai would actually go this route….? I hope…..? But there’s nothing definitive right now that says it DOESN’T work like this, and there’s enough of these little details littered throughout the whole series that if it’s true, this would be the biggest long con sensei has pulled yet.

Haruaki’s exorcism power could also be one of those “lol he can just do this, don’t question it” things, but that’s also what I thought about Seimei’s ability to see the future, and GUESS WHAT.

Anyway that’s all, I think I haven’t forgotten anything I wanted to talk about (probably did though, this took an entire day and thats WITH having taken notes while I was translating), gonna spend a couple days combing through all the previous mentions of the time travel to see if the new concrete details about it would surface any new info.

#rambles #youkai gakkou no sensei hajimemashita #a terrified teacher at ghoul school #yohaji #wake up babe new dissertation just dropped #this is half the length of the kyoto arc analysis........ that one was for a whole arc....

[runninguplenorahills]

You just love stealing peoples posts and ideas and not crediting them don't you??

I’ve been here for half a year and so it happens that I might repeat things that have already been said before by other people, without being aware of it. I’ve never stolen someone’s post before!! I’ve simply made the same observation! Just because there’s a time delay doesn’t mean I actually know about the other post!

I’m pretty sure this is about the El/Nancy ring parallel and I just wann say that as far as I know, I’ve been the first one to point out that El’s s4 ring and Nancy’s s1 ring look near identical!

That post of mine is from January and I’ve just today became aware of the fact that @bookfansworld has made a post about this already in November, though they’re actually talking about a different one of Nancy’s rings (one from s4). So while we came to the same conclusion, we did not even make the same observation!

In their post they also pointed out that El’s ring is a heart while I personally thought it was a circle, and now that I looked it up (literally about two hours ago) I observed that it’s neither. This is something I found out for myself today, so if that was already a widely known information in the byler tag due to someone else pointing it out way before me, I simply did not know that!

This is as if I would make people credit me for using the inverted buff dragon poster in their posts because as far as I now I’m the one who pointed out that it looks like the gay flag first! But just because I pointed it out first doesn’t mean everyone saw my post and it also doesn’t mean that no one can make that observation by themselves anymore! If someone were to post that exact inverted buff dragon poster today, who am I to tell them that they stole my post?? They probably don’t even know my post exists!!!

So, my dear anon, it is very rude to immediately assume that someone stole someone else’s post just because it includes the same observation (or the same conclusion). Stranger Things is a tv show and there are millions of people watching it! People are bound to make the same observations over and over again!

And I guarantee everyone, whenever I am aware of another blog pointing out something that I’m about to discuss, I always tag them or their post! For example @there-was-a-hole-here-itsgonenow once made an amazing post about the Japanese fan in Suzie’s room which inspired me to do my own and I of course tagged their post!! Or @aemiron-main has the most genius analyses and whenever I’m picking up on one of his posts I tag him as well! But this is only possible when I’m aware of someone’s post!! If I’m not aware of another post that points out the same thing that I’m about to point out with my own post, I naturally cannot tag it or the blog!

So if I should ever post something and you guys know a post that says the same thing/shows the same observation, tell me! Just leave a quick: “Hey Lenora, I just wanted to let you know that there’s this post by @/ and your post is very similar to theirs so you might wanna tag them.” because I will, guys! I will tag them once I’m aware their post exists!!

#sorry for dragging some of you into this #byler #<-obviously not byler but i thought you might wanna know that i’m not a post thief #lmao #mail to lenora hills #not happy about this past midnight mail 💀

[nobody7102]

Bestie?? I was wondering if I might be able to share a thought with you about Bob and his dad? (I do wanna apologize for the second half of the Ben Mears ask I sent I few days ago and if I ever do that again please.....for the love o Jesus, hit me over the head with a bamboo rod, lol). I've been seeing alot of thoughts about both the elder and the younger Pullman and it's making my brain go nuts, especially if Bob's dad was also a Top Gun pilot. I also heard a rather gruesomely funny story from our dear friend, Glen Powell, about an incident that occurred while filming and thought it might make you laugh.....so here goes.

So I have it in my head that Joe Floyd (Bob's dad) was in the same class as Goose, Maverick, Ice and the others and flew quite a few missions with them. He also earned the apt nickname "Foul-Mouth Floyd" (because some of the shit he says would probably have a Marine Corps. General rolling in his grave) and his callsign, "Rabbit" because him and his wife Irene had already had seven other kids with Bob being their youngest.

It was 1992, Joe was fresh off a mission in Kuwait and took a job as a flight instructor at Top Gun. Him, Ice, Mav and a few others were in charge of training new recruits who are as green as you can get and I mean GREEN. Joe's already dealing with enough at this point, the kids wreaking havoc at home and Irene being five months pregnant with Bob, so imagine his frustration when he gets stuck with an arrogant little prick fresh out of the Ivy League colleges whose attitude makes his blood boil. The whole while, the kid's like "oh I'm too good to puke in the plane", ya know, the whole nine yards.

Later on while they're up in the air, Joe notices the kid is starting to look really green around the gills and is getting worse as the minutes go by. He asks how he's doing and the little shit's like "Oh I'm doin just fine" (clearly he's not) and that's when Joe realizes this is his chance to teach the little shithead a lesson. He knows the kid's quietly reaching for the puke bag but doesn't say anything about it.

Joe informs the kid that they're gonna practice with a barrel roll and the kid's like "ok, gimme a sec". Before the kid has a chance to even blink, Joe does a double barrel roll and the contents of the bag and the newbie's stomach all go right back in his face and all across the glass canopy of the plane. The kid is horrified that his lunch literally came right back up in his face, but Joe's secretly laughing his ass off. Unfortunately when they land, that plane has to be scrubbed, sterilized and disinfected and it takes two whole days.

Years later, Joe tells the story to Bob and when Bob becomes a civy instructor and has to deal with an arrogant prick, he pulls a page from his dad's dirty playbook and does the same exact thing to the newbie he's been partnered with.

Bestie, I hope this little bit makes your day and makes you laugh, you don't have to do anything with it, it's just a little bit of comedy I wanted to share (lol), because picturing Lonestar from Spaceballs is making me laugh like an idiot.

IM DEAD AHHHHHHH! Rabbit is a fucken great name bc if Billy boy was in my life…. Same, lol

And babes there will never be enough Ben Mears content in the world.

God I remember watching that interview with Glen and I physically gagged, knowing that Joe probably does it(and probably did it to Jake bc let’s be real it was probably Jake he did it to) then BOB DOING IT?!

I know Jake saw that happen and after Bob landed on the tarmac, Jake stared at him for a solid two minutes before yelling “Holy Fuckballs!” And pointing to Bob “Joe Floyd!… God fucken damnit!” And he’ll slap his knee before going to get a drink bc Joe Floyd was his greatest instructor but god damn if he wasn’t scared shitless by the man

#lewis pullman #top gun maverick #top gun #bill pullman #jake seresin #jake hangman seresin #robert floyd #robert bob floyd #Bob #hangman #top gun imagine #top gun maverick imagines

[knowledge-based-wumpus-agent]

Man I don't even know where to start with this, but why are the people who write Pokemon games the way they are. So like, the only thing we know about Pokemon Legends: ZA is a big title card that says URBAN REDEVELOPMENT PLAN: LUMIOSE CITY. Unless the game takes place in the future (which Ive seen some people suggest) I'm willing to bet they're basing the game off of the redevelopment of Paris in the mid-1800s:

Which is like... weird? Like it created the Paris we all know and love today but it took the iron fist of the Second French Empire to do it. Do you realize how hard it is to move roads? Tens of thousands of people were displaced. Like half the point was widening the streets so they'd be harder to build barricades in. That and making it more a place for tourists and attracting foreign artists and such than a place people would actually live. It wasn't all bad, they were doing like important sanitation work and stuff, but this wasn't an uncontroversial move is all I'm saying.

It's just a weird choice! It gives me the exact same vibe as Legends: Arceus being this bizarre colonialism narrative where LITERAL GOD sends a child to the past to ensure some colonizers succeed at dominating the indigenous culture of Hokkaido. Like why is the only sort of story Game Freak wants to tell about the past about like exertions of imperial authority? Neither of these events are even as far in the past as the "Legends" label would suggest, they're both from like Victorian times, only like 150 years ago. Most of the "legendary" stuff you do in PL:A is dig up stuff from an even older, legendaryer culture (checkmate liberals, the indigenous people _weren't_ the _first_ people here, colonizing is fine!) and that could have just as easily happened in the present. Terra nullius is a myth.

I'm just sort of baffled and also kind of intrigued by where on earth they're going with this. They aren't exactly genius writers. Legends: Arceus felt a bit like I was in Kindergarten having manifest destiny explained to me in the most sanitized way possible so I wouldn't cry. So I don't really expect Z-A to say much of anything at all. It's just... strange. I do hope there is a Pokemon version of "Prince President" Napoleon III in there because that would be so funny.

#pokemon #pokemon legends arceus #pokemon legends za

[nythroughthelens]

(This is one of the most personal pieces of writing about myself and my snow photography that I have ever shared. It includes Cure lyrics, a smattering of beautiful painful memories, etc. It was shared 5 years ago when my book New York in the Snow made it into The NY Times.)

It's early morning. I am 10 years old.

I'm sitting at the kitchen table furiously scribbling details onto a blueprint that I've painstakingly drawn over the course of the last five days.

The blueprint is for my own chocolate factory fueled by my fourth reading of Roald Dahl's Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

The drawing and its details are etched onto blank newsprint sheets that my family refers to as scrap paper.

---

My father fell into his job as a union pressman for the Daily News out of necessity.

He had just moved to New York City with next to nothing aside from his wife, a suitcase full of clothing, and a few dollars.

Having only completed a Junior High School level education in the poor farming community he lived in growing up, he didn't have a lot of choice when it came to joining the workforce.

When someone introduced him to the newspaper Pressman's Union, his life changed. The union took him in and trained him in the brute art of loading printing presses endlessly.

He worked nights for the next 20 years loading printing presses for the Daily News. His knees and back suffered as did his general mood. He was an irascible character that I rarely saw. But he was an irascible character that kept a roof over our heads and food in our stomachs.

In 1993, he moved from loading printing presses for the Daily News to doing the same exact thing for the New York Times. This was a huge deal for him. Even though he was still breaking his back literally and metaphorically, the clout of working for the Times vs the Daily News was enough to make him smile (a rarity) and celebrate when he got confirmation of the upward move to the Times.

I grew up with an understanding that the New York Times was a paper that held weight in the minds of many. But it was the place where other people got mentioned and written about. It was a place to admire other people, not the people I grew up with or even people like myself who were living on the bitter edges of poverty barely eeking out an existence.

Because of my father, I grew up with newspaper.

I relished the large amounts of blank newsprint scrap paper that existed in our house. It was the kindling for my escapist imagination.

On this blank newsprint canvas I would scrawl out information about my endless Dungeon and Dragons campaigns and story arcs, and draw blueprints for my future fantasy wardrobes reminiscent of the one in Chronicles of Narnia.

---

It's a grim, rainy afternoon. I am 25 years old.

I have just celebrated my birthday and I am sitting on a couch I rescued from the trash at one point.

I have been living on my own for the last seven years having been disowned by my parents due to religious differences.

The only break in the loud silence of being disowned came in the form of a phone call from my mother when I was 20 years old. She called to let me know that my father died.

I start listening to a Sigur Ros album.

The music swells to an emotive crescendo. It's the type of crescendo that propagates self-reflection. I start to try to imagine my future and start bawling. It's not pretty tears that I cry but rather it's soul-wrenching ugly streams of futility and despair that pour down my face.

I've been working seven days a week in dead-end jobs for years and I am so tired.

My roommate and his girlfriend come home right at that moment. He sees me on the couch bawling and sits next to me. Without any words exchanged, we hug for a good half hour while I sob uncontrollably. I feel his ribs poking out and it reminds me of how fragile existence is.

I go to sleep that night the same way I have been going to sleep for years, recalling a blizzard that happened when I was a child.

My father had to stay home from work that night since the trains were not running. Our neighbors offered use of their sleds and my parents happily took them up on the offer.

As soon as my father stepped outside, his face erupted into a huge grin as he pulled me and my brothers on the sled through the streets of Flushing.

The wind kissed our faces and the snow swirled like confetti in a ticker-tape parade.

I looked up at the street lights and realized that in that moment, everything was full of wonder and magic.

And I returned to this moment every night for years when bedtime was the only thing I looked forward to.

----

It's almost midnight. It's the Winter of 2012.

I am feverishly checking the weather forecast to figure out when the first snowflakes will fall to the ground.

I listen to The Cure - Plainsong on repeat. It's my ritual before every snowstorm.

The chimes start and as the lyrics kick in, I get goosebumps:

"I think it's dark and it looks like it's rain, you said

And the wind is blowing like it's the end of the world, you said

And it's so cold, it's like the cold if you were dead

And you smiled for a second

I think I'm old and I'm feeling pain, you said

And it's all running out like it's the end of the world, you said

And it's so cold, it's like the cold if you were dead

And you smiled for a second

Sometimes you make me feel

Like I'm living at the edge of the world

Like I'm living at the edge of the world

It's just the way I smile, you said"

I have felt like I've been living at the edge of the world for what seems like an eternity.

It's these lyics I hear in my mind when I walk seven or eight miles in snowstorms trying to capture what loneliness, isolation, and nostalgia have felt like trying to survive alone in New York City.

I lose myself everytime I go out in the snow.

I lose the feeling of hunger gnawing its way through my stomach for years.

I lose the crushing feeling of futility I used to feel heading to endless dead-end jobs hoping to keep the lights on for another month.

I lose the years of wondering if my family ever thinks of me.

I lose the bits of myself that suffered the most.

I lose the anger, the sadness, the loss.

I am cleansed by the flakes as they flutter in the night air and land on my nose and eyelashes.

I am, momentarily, that child in my neighbor's sled looking up at streetlights marveling at the wonder of existence.

----

It's today.

I walk to the newsstand.

I open the New York Times and see my book, New York in the Snow, staring back at me.

I grin for what seems like an eternity.

----

(shared before another season of sharing my snow photography)

#new york city #nyc #snow #nyc snow #new york city photography #Vivienne Gucwa

[granhairdo]

it’s official, my sister is the worlds biggest bitch. so you know about all the drama we had a few months ago. well im gonna lose it with her. today i asked her if she could go ahead and stop by the pharmacy to pick up some of my pain and dyslexia meds after work because the pharmacy was close to where she worked. she groaned at me telling me she’d do it but i really do need to stop complaining and just go pick it up myself.

for context here i literally had a knee replacement a bit ago and can barely walk let alone drive, and she knows this! i can’t go pick up my medication! do i didn’t want to start something so i just let it slide.

well she came home the medication and i have been in terrible pain all day since she left and i haven’t been able to do any of the chores i usually do, but was instead lying on the couch wrapped in blankets, watching les mis or something, almost in tears i was in so much pain.

so she starts going off on me for not doing anything all day saying im lazy and that all i do is sit here and eat up all her money. i snap and tell her that she doesn’t know what actual physical and mental pain is because while she is off gossiping at work, im at home feeling like someone is slowly cutting into everyone of my joints while i hear a disembodied voice behind me telling me my whole life wasn’t real.

she says that she knows real pain because she knows what it’s like to beaten senseless by her drunk of his ass father. okay yeah sure that sucked. but do you know who else lived in the exact same household around the same time, being emotionally and physically abused just as much if not more. while i was parenting two of our little brothers, making sure they didn’t fucking starve, she, just a few years younger than i, was too busy weeping in the corner half the time. you don’t bring that shit up with me.

we ended up in a long screaming fight that ended with complete silence and her storming off into her bedroom.

of course, i happened to have a schizophrenia and c-ptsd episode and ended up trying to bolt out of the apartment, falling really badly in the process. she had to drag me to the er because im obviously still recovering from the surgery and just a fall in general has previously caused a lot of damage to my joints and made things much worse than they already were.

luckily i had calmed down by then so i didn’t end up getting considered to be admitted into the psych ward, but i still needed multiple xrays and like a million exams, luckily everything was okay. we just got home from the er and she’s pissed at me for me having to take her there. im so fucking tired of this shit im thinking about moving back in with my mom

[bluiex]

WHOOO SO this is loosely a part of my scarian hero/villain au but you need literally no context besides boatem is a team and a heads up for some medical stuff, enjoy the unrequited grumbo >:) this was meant to be a 500 word challenge but somehow is double that, whoops lmao

also idk why but i wrote it from grian's pov, style change i suppose! _______________

"This will only hurt for a moment." Mumbo says that every time he pulls the IV cart towards me.

I don't know why he bothers, I know it's going to hurt. It hurts every time, him repeating the fact doesn't make me any happier about the situation. Maybe he thinks it'll help me prepare for it, that reminding me of the pain will cue me to brace myself against it.

But I know it's coming. It's Sunday evening, after all, we have a schedule for this. Impulse and Pearl mysteriously left the compound about half an hour ago, as they do every week around this time.

I think they took the new guy with them, too. What was his name again? 'S' something, it started with an 'S'. Hmm… St… Sc… I don't know.

Not that it matters right now. Because this will only hurt for a moment.

Mumbo always looks upset whenever he's strapping my wrists down for this. I don't blame him, I wouldn't like it if I had to do it to him, but it just makes me feel terrible. Like I'm some monster about to lash out at him, simplified down to my bare bones, animalistic instincts.

(That did happen the first time, though, I'm not proud of it. The viscera was horrible. I don't like thinking about it, so I don't.)

Either way, I try not to complain about it too much anymore. It's not Mumbo's fault that I'm like this.

Well.

Actually.

…It's entirely his fault, but not in the way most people think. He didn't mean to hurt me, he didn't mean to cause me any pain. I can't blame him for reacting the way he did, even if it's the exact reason I'm stuck in this chair right now.

He was just so, so, scared.

I try to remember that when the needle goes in. I grit my teeth— less from the pain and more from the anticipation— while Mumbo checks the IV bag for what feels like the millionth time now. He finally sits down, leaning on one of the spare gurneys we have in the medical suite.

"Isn't it bad luck, to rest on a gurney?" I ask, watching his sunken eyes blink open. He's not looking at me, but rather the IV bag; we're both stuck here until it's finished draining.

"Something about predicting your own death," I add, because I can tell he's not listening. Mumbo doesn't listen well when it's Sunday evening.

"For as often as you end up on them, I'd rather not think about that expression," he replies, trying to make light of the situation. Or at least, that's what I think he's trying to do. Mumbo looks tired, as he always does, so it's hard to tell whether it's delirium or sarcasm that he's going for.

He looks at me for a moment, and I stare back. His eyelids are heavy, and he seems to be falling asleep sitting up, but he won't. He never sleeps during this strange, shared moment we're forced to have.

I wish he would sleep when it was Sunday evening, so that I don't have to bear the weight of his guilt on my back. I wish I could run the IV alone, and not be forced to make idle small talk, dancing around the elephant in the room that is my existence.

"I'm sorry," Mumbo says, his eyes drifting from mine to my tied-down wrists. I hate this part of the evening the most, when he apologizes half-way. It's been almost a year of incomplete apologies, you'd think by now he'd have figured out how to finish what he wants to say.

"You have nothing to be sorry for," I reply. We both know that I'm lying, but it's the polite thing to say.

"Except I do." Mumbo's getting upset now, I wish I could say I felt the same. It's hard to feel much of anything these days. "And I, I keep trying to fix what I did wrong, but it never comes out right."

He means me. I didn't come out right.

"You were only doing what you thought was best," I say, trying to soften the blow even though I don't want to. I'm too tired to deal with one of his spirals right now, as much as a part of myself wants to lash out at him. It isn't the time, we're both too exhausted to deal with the mess that is us.

"No, no, stop it. Please, stop saying that," Mumbo snaps. He's looking at me properly now, all cross and with a pinched face, and I think I've done something wrong. His eyes have moved beyond empty now, like he's looking through me and talking to someone else.

I think, in his mind, he is talking to someone else.

"Stop trying to say what I did was right, stop trying to protect me from my own choices," he says, but softly this time, like I'm a feral dog who's been scared into a corner. "I messed up, I was selfish and did this because I wanted to feel like I didn't fail you."

"Fail him, you mean." I didn't mean to correct him, but those words have been sitting in my mouth, festering a bitter rot on my tongue since I met Mumbo eleven months ago.

I'm not angry with Mumbo. I'm angry with me. I'm angry with my recklessness, with my stubbornness, I'm angry with a version of myself that the man in front of me would have moved heaven and earth for.

I'm angry with a me who is dead, and I'm angry that Mumbo loved that version of myself so much that he tried to give him second breath. I'm angry that my flesh and blood is from a person who is me, but isn't at the same time, and I'm angry that I'm not him.

Because every Sunday evening, while I'm trapped in a chair with an IV drip I need weekly to keep this stupid, cobbled together body alive, Mumbo's heart won't stop bleeding, and I'm not the person who can patch it up for him.

That person is dead, and I was supposed to be his replacement.

When I opened my eyes for the very first time those months ago, what I saw was a man with all the love in the world for 'me', weeping for joy.

And I don't feel the same for him— or, better said, this version of him doesn't, at the very least. Seems that dying breaks your heart along with stopping it.

I can live with not having him for a partner, but he couldn't. He still can't. And he doesn't realize it, but I can tell. Every time he looks at me, he's waiting for a reply that I can never seem to get right. To everyone else, I'm the spitting image and have the same verbosity as who I used to be, but not to Mumbo.

He looks at me like I'm an experiment gone wrong, and I loath that he's right.

Alright, so maybe I am cross with Mumbo. A little bit. I don't want to be, but I am.

"This will only hurt for a moment." What a horrible lie.

THE POV MAKES THIS ALL THE MORE BETTER HONESTLY Bruh this was SO good. It puts you in his head and makes you feel the emotions more- lvoe it love it love it

#bluie gets an ask poggers #long post

[disappearinginq]

I hate being an adult. I hate even more when I have to be the Asshole, but you know what? Sometimes, people suck. And if they don’t want a bad referral on their public reviewing platform, maybe they should’ve done a better job to begin with.

We just had half our windows replaced, by the same company who replaced the first half, and the ones who put vinyl siding on the house some years ago. The first two jobs they were fantastic. 

This last one, I am fully prepared to choke a bitch out. They assured us multiple times that after telling us they had different companies they were subtracting to that while they didn’t have the exact shade of the older windows, they had a very close one that would be almost imperceptible. Fine, none of the windows share a room, so a minimal difference shouldn’t be that bad. Two guys came to install the windows while I was home and my parents were on a long overdue vacation. At first, things seemed fine. I had to work from home so I wasn’t watching them the whole time, but they got the windows installed at the old ones removed and seemed to clean up as they went, but after they left, I went arounnt to inspect all the windows. 

One doesn’t even fucking open. They left pieces of the old windows everywhere outside, including huge metal pieces on the roof where I couldn’t reach. The screens don’t come out. The framing in is the cheapest looking shit I have ever seen, with caulking just smeared everywhere like this was seventh grade shop class and your only experience was an eight second YouTube tutorial you watched once a year ago. The caps on the outside are the compeltely wrong color, smashed to hell where they attempted to nail them in, cut incorrectly, and the windows themselves are the wrong color. 

If it was like a $5000 job, I would be understanding, because that’s the shit that happens when you hire sub par contractors who don’t care about quality and that’s refelcted in the price. 

For $17,000, I am fucking livid. So I said as much on their business page, with essentially what could be summarized as “if you want crap work, pay a crap price with someone else. At least then you’ll get what you paid for. Crap work at a premium price? We’ll never do work with them again, and already contacted our friends that we had recommended them to to warn them away.”

They called us back and asked us to take down the review, as it’s harmful to their business. After like five minutes of talking to my mother, who is a saint, she simply hands the phone to me. My mother and I have almost identical voices. We know this, because we have blind friends who can’t tell us apart, and literally anyone who calls us and reaches me starts immediately talking like I’m my mother. 

Imagine their surprise when my mother went from “Well, we’d really like to sort something out where you can repair what you got wrong” to “Listen here, shitbird. You want a fucking glowing review? I’ll write every fucking thing you did wrong. I’ll include the pictures I took from the mess your guys made, the colors you fucked up, the dents, the tears, the absolute goddamn shit fuck you assholes left behind. I’ll include your email responses, highlighted to show it was your fucking CEO who admitted to sending a goddamn color blind motherfucker to pick out colors to match, and switched the colors between the windows and the trim caps. Your amateur contractors who made an almost 20k job look like a kindergartner’s finger painting exercise, and I will also include your sound byte of asking us to remove an unfavorable review so you can fleece other people, and we’ll see who doesn’t have a fucking company by the end of the year. Tell you what - you want a favorable review? You come and do the job we fucking paid you for.

They’re coming Tuesday to fix it.  

#my company does not regret putting me in charge of vendor accounts #apparently some small part of my military training survived

[weirdthoughtsandideas]

Conclusion of my SL season 1 rewatch

I don't have much of a conclusion of what happened in the show since my opinion on storylines have not changed a lot. But I can talk a bit about... other things.

Ok, so it was literally almost a year ago I finished season 1 for the first time (october 9th to be exact - I write this at 23:50 so I might even post it on the 9th if i'm a slow typer - HAPPY ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY!). I know this because at the same day I posted my very first SL fic. I wrote it because I thought the SL fandom would be more into writing a certain ship with how many people seemed to agree they were dating. But then I found NO ONE had written a fic about them. So I took it in my own hands and wrote one.

When I made my conclusion post for s1 after watching it the first time, it actually caused a... little discussion, in my comment section. I don't like Lutteo and I kept talking about how much I loved the non-canon ships. This caused people to legit have a discussion in my comment section about how "wow I can't believe she doesn't like Lutteo how can she?", "I don't really care for the non-canon ships cause all the canon ships are so good, so I can't relate". And they weren't even talking to me, they were talking to each other. Like ?? discuss in DMs, you don't have to discuss stuff in my comment section??

So I actually got the impression from the SL fandom, at least during that time, that they were quite... ready to speak their minds. If you had an unpopular opinion, they would come and tell you that. Reblog your posts and go "I don't agree with you and here's what I think". Always seeming to wanting to change your mind. So I, probably out of spite, started to think the opposite even more.

Now, after a year, I can see that the SL fandom is actually quite chill. Y'all used to intimidate me for years, especially when the Violetta VS SL war was at highest - I literally did not want to watch SL out of spite for like 5 years just because people told me Violetta sucks (and Violetta... is my middle school obsession show. No matter what, I will always have a deep connection to it). When I got over my stubbornness and actually watched SL, I realized "Hey! This show is actually good!" And due to the fandom seeming to not have all the same opinions as me, I kept to those opinions even more. Now, after a year, I guess I have "tamed" the SL fandom. Cause, to be honest, even when the SL fandom was intimidating, the Violetta fandom really was the same, it was just that I was used to the latter so I didn't think about it.

But enough with the fandom, I wanna talk about some characters.

I see much more how Sharon and Ámbar's relationship is not black and white. Of course, I knew this from the beginning, but when I think of the show I think "she was mean in s1, nicer but creepier in s2 and just a creep in s3". But there's so much sides already in season 1. I mean, only in the first 10 episodes, Sharon seems rather... ok, around Ámbar. There's the "Ámbar, darling, why are you up?" scene, for example. Then there's scenes where she is absolutely awful. So awful that Ámbar doesn't want to come home. But Ámbar always fights back. However, even when she fights back, she always has a relapse. She goes back to wanting to please her dear madrina. She goes back to trying to be perfect. And Sharon, also has her circle of abuse - being extremely awful, then going back and being more caring, then turning cold again when you least expect it. God, the family drama in this show is <3

I have, to be very honest, changed my sexuality hc on Nina completely. I had the ace hc for her for so long. Like, I never changed it. I always saw her as ace. But now... I am not sure of that. I thought, maybe she's demi?? She could be demi. But then I remember the first time she wrote with Roller Track, and she legit just exclaimed "Roller Track!! 🤩😍😩". Girl are you...?? I- Back when watching the first half of s1 a year ago, I actually considered a lesbian hc on her - simply because I liked the concept of "girl with overprotective parents who seem to misunderstand her and she has to hide who she is". But that hc quickly disappeared when I realized, ok, no, she's definitely into boys. At this point, I guess I can see her as like... heterosexual but biromantic??? Maybe??

I always see Ramiro as bi, but for a moment I was like "nah he's gay". No, he's... he's bi, I changed my mind again hahaha.

Side note, I have written like 300 posts with "sara's 1 year sl rewatch" so now I am wondering if I should keep using that tag or if I should make a "sara's 1 year sl rewatch s2" so it's not "too many" posts in one tag. Then again, I might just keep using this so I have less tags to remember.

As a final note, here's Jim and Yam "kissing" (and I can't believe the post I made about that didn't get more notes)

And now, we're onto s2 with more chaos, more mysteries and more of my analyses of Jim and Yam being in love that will get like 1 note at most, even if I even tag it with more tags to make it more visible, and the only thing that can make it get more notes is if I reblog it later (cause I guess y'all don't care about Jim and Yam enough. Good thing I'm here to provide some more content. No one else does anyway, so I have to).

#sara's 1 year sl rewatch #soy luna

[dzpenumbra]

Let's talk skateboarding tonight. Big fucking surprise after my post the other night about how I watch skate or skate related videos pretty much every night... Here's something really fucking cool about how skating should be viewed by all skaters, and what it can bring to literally anyone's life.

In re-learning how to skate, I find something very unique has happened. I have had to reset my bar for accomplishment lower than it's been in well over 10 years. You see, skating is entirely about personal accomplishment. From day one, you start setting goals.

1. Balance on the damn thing.

2. Balance on the damn thing while it's moving.

3. Ride from here to there without bailing or falling.

4. Ride a bit further.

Then, once you start getting comfortable riding, you can add in another dimension:

5. Try going down that hill.

6. Try going down that hill FAST.

7. Try rolling into that bank.

8. Try dropping into that quarterpipe.

You're still improving riding, but your adding more depth, more complexity to your language of riding. You "unlock" new places to skate, otherwise avoided because it was scary or risky or too hard. Your world expands. Then you start adding more dimension:

9. Try manualing.

10. Try going up a quarterpipe and rolling back fakie.

11. Try going up a bank, pivoting, and going back down regular.

Even more terrain unlocked. And manuals allow you to essentially do harder versions of what you already developed while riding, AND help a ton to learn pivots. Then you add even more:

12. Try Rock to fakie on a quarter.

13. Try stalls on curbs and ledges.

And the big game changer...

14. Learn to Ollie.

Yep, that one's a big accomplishment - from there you can ollie off of things, you can ollie over things, you can ollie up things. What used to be obstacles blocking your path (like the big hills and steep banks used to be), are now opportunities for tricks, *Achievements* in Xbox language. But look back at how much of a crazy journey full of huge accomplishments and improvement it has been even before the first ollie. Fucking nuts, and so overlooked.

My bar used to be set with my goal tricks being the likes of Boneless 360 and Nollie 3 Shuv to Nosestall on ledges. Now, I'm happy if I land a Boneless 180 and ride away clean. But it's hard to really embrace it the same way. I vividly remember landing dozens, hundreds of that exact trick like 10 years ago. It's hard to let myself get pumped about an accomplishment I've already made tons of times, it just doesn't really hit the same. It doesn't feel like an accomplishment. That's what I'm trying to break free of.

I'm frustrated with it because I'm much more confident on my snowskate and bridged back into skateboarding via snowskating. In one season, I went from trying to remember how to do proper moving pop shuvits and ride comfortably to doing bigspin boardslides, kickflip, heelflip and varial flip. I sank every day of that snow season into skating and holy fuck did it pay off. But my skateboarding just doesn't get the same level of time commitment. "I can only do it at the park," says my inner saboteur, "snowskating I can do anywhere." But really, she just doesn't want me to embarrass myself in front of people half my age and doesn't want to admit it out loud. So stupid.

What I need to keep reminding myself is that me even going to the skatepark at all after 10 years of not skating is way bigger now than that Boneless 360 was when I skated every day between and after classes in college. THAT is the gift of skating. That way of looking at life as accomplishments, looking at everyday obstacles as potential achievements. Being incredibly depressed and challenging yourself to get out of bed, make coffee and do something nice for yourself - that should be treated like your first time dropping into a quarterpipe.

So if this doesn't resonate with anyone else yet, this is a note to self. Next time you think your achievement is mundane and silly and not that big of a thing, whatever... think about when you're at a skatepark and you see a kid trying over and over to roll down a bank, bailing and bailing, over and over. Then he gets serious, he gets pumped, he gets confident, and he goes for it. And he eats shit. But he gets up, someone grabs his board for him. They encourage him, say "dude you were so close, just lean forward a bit more". He looks determined, he climbs back to the top. He stares it down, lines up his board, drops in and rolls away. You get so excited for that kid, what a fuckin feeling he's having right now! Anyone who was watching is so stoked for him. Even if they could roll down that bank with a blindfold on. They remember what it was like.

So I guess the lesson is... don't hold yourself by other peoples' standards. Your accomplishments are relative to your narrative and your goals, not those of others. If your goal is to learn to stand on a board or to learn how to tre flip a 5 set, those are just different pages of the same book. They are not "better" or "worse", just different levels of developed complexity that are a product of cumulative experience and choice. What IS good - trying, failing, trying again. What IS bad - giving up, avoiding.

Don't let the fear of failure (and subsequent embarrassment, shame, weakness) prevent you from ever engaging something you're excited to try. Failure is temporary, and gives mountains of information to learn from - XP points. Never trying is eternal.

#diary #journal #stream of thoughts #skateboarding #self care #self improvement #motivation #accomplishments #achievements #goals

[sizzlingpatrolfox]

I don’t want to be negative but I’m kinda disappointed that the new album is just a collection of their old songs. My excitement level dropped significantly lol. I listen to their old songs all the time and i love them and i want them to make something similar but not the exact songs!we need something new, something refreshing. I was so ready and excited for a new era and new songs but now I feel meh 😑 i just hope my excitement builds up again somehow.

You can be negative with me no problem 🤝

Is it even a matter of negativity tho??? I said a while ago I don't usually have any expectations for their releases except that they look like the company actually invested in them. Even with no expectations boy what a way to kill any excitement about a comeback. There's no logic to it from an *artistic* standpoint; they haven't put out more than two songs in two years. They used to do two albums per year. The only people I've seen genuinely excited about this are *some* of the 2020 armys, which of course, it's pretty much their first comeback 😭😭 and even then other new fans aren't happy about it.

It's a money grab album. No way to sugar coat it. The music is music we already know. If the rumours are true there will be a couple of demos and that's about it. The only probably exciting thing about it could be the additional content that they'll release for the comeback. Which is why half of the fandom are here for anyways, for the Bangtan bombs and the videos and all the ot7 content curated for them. Bighit has consistently used nostalgia as a clutch for every release and even performances, that's why every year there are theories about BTS doing something like hyyh again; because bighit has hinted at it every year and it was never true. This time they took it seriously and are apparently re-releasing hyyh I guess 😳

It also made me think about how armys (I guess they are mostly "older" armys) always wanted to have hiphop BTS back, and they don't say this anymore, probably because they've moved on, but they would say that they wanted the old BTS back, we want to listen to the old BTS, stuff like that. And some super suuuuuper edgy sassy af armys were like "the songs are still there, if you want to, you can go and listen to them". Now some of those same people are like "this is actually the epitome of brilliant marketing people who never listened to the old songs and for some reason can't go on YouTube or Spotify, now have an album to buy so they can finally listen to those songs that have been on the internet since 2013!!!" What a relief, where would army be without this new album. Compilations have always been made to sell only, and that's it. And for the record, when people say they want the old BTS, they mean that they want good music.

It also made me think back to the live they did for BE re-release on February 2021, that Jimin was like "I said we should include at least one new song :/ " and he was right to probably feeling embarrassed about it. It's literally a scam to sell the same product as something brand new. At least they put 3 new songs in this one 🤪

Back in 2020 I thought mots7 and the things they said at the end of the year award shows were kind of pointing to it being the last album and tour, and now I think it probably was. The compilation would've been released at the end of the year as a way to tie it all up nicely. That made sense, at least to me. Ironically, they got a second chance, they got a couple more years to keep making music and being BTS. Not everything was bad, of course, I loved dynamite. I think 2020 was really good musically wise, because dynamite is a nice song and the performances were good. After dynamite, nothing of artistic value happened. I don't even hate butter or PTD, but it's not music that I consider to be good and that I willingly listen to.

Bottom line is, I don't think a compilation/anthology album is bad. It's bad to release it after two years of no music and when nobody knows if there will be more music after this year, because it's likely that at least Jin will have to enlist come December.

No money or time or efforts or even feelings went to producing, composing or writing new songs, it's a safe and lazy decision. In the case they're all enlisting together (I personally don't think they will but in the case), to me it feels like a sour end. The last time they actually put out an album was 2020. It's just sad to me, I don't think I'm disappointed because the bar was already on the floor after 2021, but it's just sad, I guess I could say I am bitter about it.

This person is a clown. BTS are not releasing anything; HYBE is releasing and all they want is the sales 😭 armys actually hate kpop groups and then hide that behind their army identity; that's all I'm going to say.

Other things I agree with:

[no-entry-system]

I have someone else's face.

I mean that extremely literally, by the way.

The face and body that I have now is not the same that I remember having. Yeah, time does that, makes you change, makes you grow, but not like this. It shouldn't happen like this.

I woke up, or more commonly known as “came out of dormancy” about two weeks ago now. I have a draft discussing my thoughts on this, and the time I missed I’m debating on finishing. For now, that isn’t the focus in this one. 

I woke up in different clothes, a different style than what I was familiar with. Eerily close, a regular t-shirt and men’s jeans, but not exact. Today, I woke up to be wearing a shirt I don’t recognize, but pants that I do. These were Dad’s pants. He used to wear these to church on Sundays. They’re nice pants. There’s so many more holes than I remember, a lot of them sewn up. Not good, mind you, but still patched to try and keep them from falling apart any more than they already have. I’m wearing a beanie. The hair isn’t the same shade I remember it, my hair hasn’t been this blonde since 6ht grade when it got dyed red, yellow, and orange. It’s still long, but near as long as I kept it, or we kept it. It’s about half that length. The fingernails are just as bad as I remember, though. Someone still has a habit of biting them.

I have a secondary appearance, too. A look that isn’t something I ever remember having. Something I remember, yeah, but that man was from a show I’d sit down and watch with Dad, usually over dinner when Mom was working overnight shifts, or right before bed, on a school night.

 I liked that guy, I think. At least I think it was me. Things were weirder back then. Not like things are now. Everyone feels a lot more distinguished now. I never remember having an appearance like this before. I knew I was someone different, someone else, but that didn’t worry me. I had other things to be concerned about. I was me, and that’s all that really mattered, because I had to take care of this body I was in. It didn’t matter much what I looked like. That’s fine. Then I look inside, at the little world we have now, and I look like that man from the show. I guess that’s me. That works, I think. I’ve been given an appearance I didn’t know I had, to go with the one I already had, the one that now doesn’t fit like I remember it fitting. This appearance feels more like an old friend, than the actual body now. It makes sense, but I still haven’t figured out why that is. There’s once again bigger things for me to worry about than my appearance, but still it’s... uncanny.

I feel like I’m living the ‘uncanny valley’.

So many things are close but never hit the mark, never fit together exactly how I remember them, or don’t work how I thought they did to begin with.

It’s like wearing a pair of jeans that are a size too large. You can wear a belt, make it work, but that doesn’t excuse the fact they still don’t fit.

I missed the portion of life where people get to grow up. I feel like I skipped several stages of development a kid needs to go through. 

I’m an adult in a child’s body. 

I’m a child in an adult’s body. 

I’m having to figure out this fucked up sense of self I’ve had for years now, that’s only gotten worse due to missing so much time, while trying to sift through a sea of memories that I’m being told are terrible and upsetting. 

This is my face.

But, there’s a second one, too.

If these faces are supposed to be mine, can someone tell me why are they so distorted?

#long post #vent cw #the priest speaks