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smallcatwoman · 2 years

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More thoughts

Well I’ve been able to listen to pretty much the whole album now and I have some thoughts.

I’ll also just share my thoughts on her orientation. I basically abandoned this blog and tumblr in general for a couple years and I’m only back for simblr stuff on my main blog and misc memes/taylor/twilight stuff on this one sometimes. And it’s kind of tentative how much I’ll actually be here at all. I’m mostly on reddit and discord now. In terms of the speculating and talking about Taylor/Karlie, obviously they broke up several years ago and the intensity of the bullying and hatred from hetero fans was too much for pretty much all of us. From the Lover period onward she pretty much dove headfirst back into the closet and seems to want to stay there, and is pretty aggressively trying to dispute rumors about this whole thing, which didn’t help with the bullying and aggression towards lgbt fans.

This album, Lover, and her general PR stuff has such aggressive “look at me and how straight I am, I’m the most hetero to have ever heteroed, look at my boyfriend dick allcock from man island who is totally not a twink who woohoos with guys on tinder and happens to get a huge fame boost from me” I have seriously considered if the straights are right and we were all “delusional crazy pants” or whatever. Like I have tried to be open minded and really go over all the analysis of everything.

But there is absolutely zero hetero explanation for all the stuff between her and Karlie. You can look at photos/videos from their glass closeting days and its so transparently obvious. The best best friends video, the big sur trip drawing hearts in the sand with their initials, the way that they looked at each other every single chance that we saw them together, “I came straight from Rome” etc. Even when she started bearding it was such a disaster at first. She and Calvin so transparently hated each other and he basically outed her on Twitter after the fact saying that she was a beard. Her and Tom were so obvious that interviewers literally asked Tom if it was a PR stunt and at their super hetero fourth of july photoshoot with their “boyfriends” there were all those soaking wet photos of Karlie grabbing her tits and wrestling with her on a waterslide.

Also reputation.. how transparently it was about Karlie. “wear you like a necklace,” “I don’t want you like a best friend,” “I would fall from grace just to touch your face,” “dancing with our hands tied,” all these references to a forbidden secret love. And she specifically picked Joe as an ugly male version of Karlie that she could pretend to sing about and be like “Oh I like a boyish man” as a blanket explanation for dating people like Harry Styles who last I saw him was wearing ruffly sparkling pink and rainbow suits on stage and singing songs about sucking dick with male pronouns. It was a good arrangement, especially considering she really loved Karlie and was in it for the long haul. And it seems like she and Joe are really good friends, get along well, and he has some musical talent so they’ve even collaborated on some songs a bit.

Then we have Karlie’s marriage, their messy breakup, Lover which was supposed to be a happy rainbow album about being happy with her true love but there were some breakup songs snuck on there (False God, Cornelia Street, Death by a Thousand Cuts) and she looked utterly wretchedly miserable, like she was crying or sullen in a bunch of pap shots (especially NY pap shots) and in the City of Lover video she is dressed in all black despite the rainbow aesthetic of the album and seems to be basically on the verge of tears during the whole show. The performance of Cornelia Street from that show gives me chills. You can hear her agony so palpably.

Folklore and Evermore have a lot of fiction based songs, and I do think it’s reaching to say that Betty is a gay song, like folks its a storytelling/fictional song. But there are a few heart rending breakup anthems. Like some of the saddest she’s ever written. Some scary lines about standing on cliffsides. But yeah she’s happy Mrs Toe in a long term happy relationship.

Totally. In terms of Zoe Kravitz, they’ve been friends for many years, including while she was dating Karlie. Zoe divorced her husband at the end of 2020 and there are some interesting songs about having an affair with a married woman/leaving a toxic marriage that I thought were about Karlie but.. maybe they weren’t all about her. Zoe also seems to have collaborated with her on some of the music so it wouldn’t surprise me if some of those songs were written by her too. Zoe is part of her “squad” or “pandemic bubble” along with Toe and others and when she’s gone to visit Europe ostensibly to visit Toe Zoe happened to be there shooting films and Tay seems to have taken a Paris trip with a special someone. I really don’t think she’ll come out or do a glass closeting thing again after the disaster with Karlie. She seems happy to keep her love life between herself and her partner and emphasizes that in her recent albums (yet she’s publicly dating Toe? Again it doesn’t line up) So I basically just envision them all hanging out as friends, gallivanting around Europe with Jack and other friends/maybe some of Toe’s bfs, working on music together. She seems obviously happier and not broken up about Karlie. I’ll breakdown some of my views about the Midnights songs Lavender Haze - She put out some kind of ultra no homo PR announcement about this in order to defuse the fact that this is so transparently a song about the pressure for a lavender marriage, which she really really does not want. Like she’ll be in a happy hetero relationship with this man for all the world to see if it keeps the rumors at bay, helps her with her career, and gives her some privacy with Zoe.. but marriage is a lot and she really doesn’t want to do it. I can’t believe she was so blatant about it though. Like wow.

Maroon/Bigger than the whole Sky/Bejeweled/Question/Mastermind/Great War - Some reflection on the Karlie debacle, but she seems to be recognizing it wasn’t healthy or perfect and it’s okay that it ended. I love Maroon, it’s like Red’s sultry older sister.

Vigilante Shit/Karma - Kanye debacle, gotta have some songs about that I guess.

Midnight Rain/Labrynth/Dear Reader - I hate the voice distortion effects on these so much. It makes my skin crawl and I couldn’t listen to those more than once to analyze them. I hope to god she doesn’t ever use that again in future songs.

Would’ve Could’ve Should’ve - About John Mayer. Even us conspiracy weirdos think that one was real, he was a toxic manipulative gross man who messed her up and it was basically a last ditch effort to try to be straight. She regrets the whole thing and I understand why.

Glitch/Paris/Sweet Nothing/ Snow on Beach/High Infidelity - She’s happy with someone new and it’s very unexpected.. someone she loves and trusts and she’s been friends with for a long while. Someone who left her husband for Taylor instead of the other way around like some people. Tay still has some trust issues and fear of abandonment but seems to be happy nonetheless.

Mastermind/YOYOK/Anti Hero - Her insecurities/mental health issues. She’s been in the Hollywood spotlight for basically her whole teen and adult life. It’s caused a lot of stress, disordered eating, messed up a lot of her relationships. She’s worried that she’s controlling, and the closeting/PR stunts will be too much for anyone that she falls in love. She’s afraid of getting old in an industry that values youth and beauty above all. In terms of “sexy babies and giants on a hill” I would imagine that if you’re worried about your weight and about aging that being unusually tall kind of amplifies those fears of being too large/too old/surrounded by youngsters that you don’t fit in with.

I cried watching the Anti Hero video honestly. She seems really depressed in terms of Anti Hero and her last two albums. Some really concerning lyrics about standing on cliffs and “one day I’ll watch as you’re leaving and life will lose all its meaning for the last time.” Like babe.. I really hope she’s getting help. Therapists are already sworn to secrecy per their job and I’m sure she could also have lawyers cook up the NDA of the century if she’s still concerned about talking to someone. Therapy can’t just solve all her problems but there are definitely tools that she could use to cope with this situation and it’s also good to get a different, positive, non judgmental perspective on things. I really hope she’s okay and stays safe. I’ll keep an eye on things but again I can’t really promise I’ll use tumblr very much.

#just rambling more about tays album and my interpretations #and i guess general theories #my old timeey speculating self back very briefly for the new album

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existingispetty · 2 years

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Hi!! I was wondering if I could have a matchup for Dangerous Fellows??

Personality type: INFP

Zodiac sign: cancer

Age: 20

Pronouns: she/her

Appearance: I’m 4’11, a little rounder, with brown eyes and brown hair that’s a curly bob. From what I’ve heard from my friends, I’m mostly cute- cute appearance, cute style, cute vibes. My clothing style is mostly casual, spiced up with either a flannel or a sweater, but there’s days when I love wearing a dress or a skirt.

Personality: I’m a pretty anxious & awkward person, especially around new people or new situations. Social situations are difficult for me. If we’re close, though, I go from 0-100. I’m bubbly and funny and silly and loud. I’m mostly laughing at whatever, usually something dumb. Though if I’m with someone who likes to talk more than me or has more to say, I’m always happy to listen. I try to match the mood of the people I’m with as best as I can.

I’m not the sharpest bulb in the toolbox- I sometimes don’t realize obvious things or forget stuff a lot. I spend more time inside of my own head than outside of it. I’ve got a tendency to overthink and close myself off when I’m anxious. I’ve got a few confidence issues and all that jazz, but I’m trying to work on getting better.

Hobbies: writing (the love of my life), reading, spending hours watching mostly any content I can get my hands on (mostly about recent hyperfixations), spamming my friends, and zoning out on walks. I also love doing things with my friends, even if it’s just hanging out. Just being in the same room as them makes my week. But I need days by myself, or else I’ll be on edge. I may not do much, but I’m okay with that until the boredom kicks in.

Pet peeves: being treated or thought of as a kid and having my feelings/opinions invalidated are my two big serious ones. I can’t handle arguments or conflict either.

Hello! Thank you for the ask! I apologize for the wait but I hope you enjoy!

+++++++++++++++++++++++

Your matchup is… (insert really aggressive drumroll*)

Harry

Harry defiantly had a warm and encouraging aura. Harry can be both a talker and a listener. He can keep up a conversation but he doesn’t mind listening to rambling at all. The one thing Harry isn’t is oblivious he has such a good memory it’s frightening. He can practically remember the day he was born. Man wont even give you the opportunity to forget anything.

Harry isn’t the smartest person in the world but he’s above average intelligence.Harry tends to shove his overthinking to the back of his mind. He’s very aware of what overthinking can lead too. Henry loves reading romances. He thinks that love is so beautiful like a work of art. Harry also loves writing short love stories. Harry would love to watch shows and movies with you! While Harry treats all with kindness he does not dismiss feelings or treat people like children.

#dangerous fellows #dangerous fellows matchup #matchup

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ashesandhackles · 3 years

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The Hogwarts Express scene in Prince's Tale: A Sirius and Snape analysis

I really, really enjoy Sirius and Snape as characters and their respective narrative functions in story. But what gets me most about them is how much Rowling hints about their backgrounds and so much of it makes sense with regard to who they are as adults. So I am going to be breaking down a very small scene from Prince Tale and getting into long winded hypothesis about their respective childhoods.

So, let's start with Snape. The scene begins with Snape rushing to find Lily, already in his Hogwarts clothes. Harry notes he must have been eager to get out of his clothes - ones that look like he borrowed from his mother, as Petunia spitefully pointed out. This has always been a very interesting detail to me - first off, it indicates how poor Snape's family is. Second, this indicates his tiny rebellion from his father - he refuses to wear clothes of the abusive man, and prefers his mother's. I admit, I am partial to the reading that Snape refuses to associate with his father in tiny ways, rather than Tobias refusing to hand his son clothes.

(I have seen readings which say that it is also a sign of neglect - perhaps his parents bought clothes that simply don't fit him, but I am more inclined to think it's a hand me down, simply because Harry identifies so strongly with it. Because Harry knows what it is like to wear a hand me down that don't quite fit, that are too big for you, or the ones that make you look ridiculous.)

Lily and Petunia's relationship is fraught with Petunia's jealousy. And young Lily is upset over it when Snape meets her. "I am not talking to you. Tuney hates me" she tells him. "Because we saw the letter from Dumbledore". Young Lily shows signs of being extremely emotionally reactive and this scene is one of them. It's easier for her to deal with Petunia's rejection of her by telling Snape she doesn't want to talk to him. It's a childish displacement of her hurt over her sister's rejection. (I am genuinely baffled by interpretations that Lily and Hermione are similar. Hermione is very cognitive person, Lily, as we have been shown repeatedly in memories, is not).

Snape, however, with his bad history with Petunia and his inability/ poor social skills to understand why this matters to her, goes: "So what?"

Lily, who throws him a look of deep dislike, says "So she's my sister". This seed is important because this is what develops into "he doesn't get me" feeling she later displays in her teenage scenes with him. Interestingly, most of Lily's personal relationships have deeply interwined love and dislike - Petunia (whose rejection bothers her but she cheerfully informs Sirius that Harry nearly broke a vase her sister sent - which means there is resentment on her end too), James - who she was attracted to even before 7th year but also disliked at one point, and Snape - again, a contentious friendship filled with love and distance.

"She's only a -" we dont get to hear what Snape intended to say. And given his own acrimony with Petunia, it could be anything. However, I read it as "She's only a Muggle" because it ties into his feelings about his father. Snape, who is proud of being half a Prince, emphasizing his magical lineage from his mother's side, his refuge in a violent, neglectful home. (Barty Crouch Jr and Snape with their disappointing fathers - I imagine Voldemort is supremely attractive leader to people with broken homes like this)

Snape, by all accounts, shows a disorganised attachment style. His caregiver, his mother - and perhaps the only parent he seems to have regard for, is too preoccupied by her own abuse to be there for her son - we see this in glimpses Harry sees in OOTP: " woman cowering" where a man shouts at her, and a young, neglected Snape cries in the corner. Children born in homes like this have trouble regulating their emotions, simultaneously displaying tendencies to aggressively lash out or show disassociative symptoms. Both of which Snape displays. Statistically, this is also seen more in low income households where economic instability and resulting domestic instability creates an unsafe environment for the kids to safely form ideas of their identity, or express emotions in healthy ways, modelling instead out of behaviour seen at home.

Then, Snape reminds her that they are going to Hogwarts. He is already in his Hogwarts clothes - now, Snape gets to be the impressive figure. The one who told her about magic, who theorised about how Muggles get letters from magical people, the one who told her about Dementors and Azkaban. He has already left behind the Spinner's End version of him, he wants to bigger than that, and is keen to be in place of magical learning and to join Slytherin. Essentially, he shows signs of unstable identity, insecurity - all prime for grooming into a cult.

And here comes along James Potter, who looks around at the mention of Slytherin. James's comment uses Snape's line and directs it to Sirius instead and it becomes a conversation between them, as a way to bond more with a fellow "rowdy boy" Sirius. Effectively ignoring the other two.

Sirius as we see here, "does not smile" when James talks about Slytherin. He essentially says something that can be construed as a way to nip that conversation in bud: "My whole family has been in. Slytherin". This suggests to me that there is some loyalty to his family there and his disillusionment with them isn't entirely fixed yet. After all, Sirius's intense loyalty to his friends, more specifically James, did not come out of thin air. It is reasonable to suggest that he felt some loyalty to his family at some point and the intensity with which he regards his friends is a reaction to burned off and being a "displaced person without a family" as Rowling put it.

Interestingly, while his reaction to his mother and Bellatrix are obviously sore spots, his response to Regulus is comparatively quite soft. ("Stupid, idiot" - something he calls James later on in the same book, OOTP). I imagine Sirius has quite complicated feelings about his brother and he is capable of nuance (when the person isn't Snape, where his dislike seems to be borne of an intense projection): "The world isn't split into good people and Death Eaters". As someone who is grown up among them, Sirius would understand that.

His framing of Regulus's need to please his parents also further highlights what exactly is the source of disillusionment. He calls Regulus "soft enough to believe them" - which means he is crediting his own intelligence to see through his parents bigoted world view. Clearly, bigotry is not something the Blacks explained in a way that Sirius, eldest of their male line and their heir, bought it. It also probably didn't help the Blacks case that Grimmauld Place is in a Muggle neighborhood and that their eldest son is a bit of a wild boy with interest in pushing boundaries. His intellectual disconnect leads to the righteous rage he later feels but it began there. (Boy, it must suck to discover that everything you have been taught to value in the world and in yourself as the heir is essentially rubbish). Since his differences with his family began with seeds of intellectual disconnect rather than on intense empathy with downtrodden, it makes him, as a pureblooded privileged boy, unable to truly understand Lupin's fears regarding his lycanthropy. Hence, the Werewolf prank (I am not getting to the Snape bit, just the Lupin bit). To James' credit, he does understand what that means for Lupin and saves all three of them from different set of consequences.

Anyway, back to the scene. James, who has made an ass of himself in front of his new friend, who he was getting along with fine until now, then goes "Blimey, I thought you seemed alright". (Btw, I find James wildly large ego kind of hilarious here, especially in light of Snape's comment about him to Sirius in OOTP: "You will know he is so arrogant that criticism simply bounces off him"). Sirius, who I believe has been raised like "royalty" as Blacks would, has good enough social skills to defuse a situation. He grins and says: "Maybe I will break the tradition".

This line is an indication of Sirius's desire for independence, an identity seperate from his family. The use of the word "tradition" is interesting. It sounds like Sirius is expected to behave in a certain way, the heir of Black family whose parents thought being a Black "made you practically royal". Adult Sirius is contemptuous of this, or their "valuable contribution to Ministry" which means they just gave gold - it tells me that any and all conditions put on him by his family were to fulfill tradition that is either worthless or holds no meaning in his eyes. The root of the emotional abuse Sirius suffers from his family is this - realising his parents love for him is conditional on him being a certain way. (In fact, you can read Regulus desire to emphasise his connection to the family as a reaction to what he sees with Sirius - Sirius does not behave, Mum and Dad don't love him). As a child with unconscious knowledge of lack of love, Sirius then acts out, they react, rinse and repeat "until he has had enough". Sirius chafes against boundaries well into adulthood and doesn't react well to people enforcing it on him, even if it is out of love for him. Cue the fire scene with Harry where he behaves as if Harry is rejecting him instead of protecting him.

Sirius asks James about where he wants to go, and Snape, who is incensed about James being insulting about a House he put stock in, which he made part of new identity (so that he is no longer that Snape boy from Spinner's End) and was in general trying to be impressive about in front of Lily, "makes a disparaging noise" once James talks of Gryffindor. Snape's response to James' : "Got a problem with that?" is interesting. He says: "If you'd rather be brawny, rather than brainy-"

This is an important value for Snape. He knows he is clever and values it. He spends his spare time inventing hexes, making great shortcuts to Potions. He has genuine thirst for learning and he hones it. In SWM, we see that he has written far more longer answers than anyone else, he is poring over his paper after exams. He even mocks Hermione's lack of inventive answers: "Answer copied word to word from the textbook, but correct in essentials". He values originality. It may be me stretching this, but I am partial to the reading: this is his way of rejecting his father once again, who is implied to be a violent man. (in other words, someone who is hypermasculine - "brawny". In fact, Snape's rejection of hypermasculinity is a huge post on it's own - Potions (brewing, cauldrons - coded as feminine arts), the doe Patronus, his proficiency in Occlumency and Legliemency (intuitive mind arts, again seen archetypically feminine) etc).

"Where are you hoping to go, seeing as you are neither?" - Sirius is quick with emotionally cutting insults. Snape hasn't even finished his sentence, but Sirius is already on his case. Which suggests growing up in a household with sharp tongues. It's a fair assumption, given Mrs Black's half mad portrait. It also tallies with Sirius's talking about his mother: "My mother didn't have a heart Kreacher, she kept herself alive out of pure spite" . The wounds are fresh enough on this. (Another interesting way Snape and Sirius act as inverse mirrors - Snape rejects his father, Sirius rejects his mother. Sirius acts as proxy for James for Harry while Snape takes on Lily's role of protecting him). However, you know who else is spiteful? Sirius.

While James is the physical bully (the tripping Snape, doing most of the bullying in SWM), Sirius attacks emotionally. ( Sample the one about Snape's appearance - "I was watching him, his nose was touching the parchment, there will be great grease marks all over it, they won't be able to read a word" or even the carelessly vicious- "Put that away, before Wormtail wets himself in excitement"). Curiously, with all that talk of how his mother being spiteful, it's her room he spends time in when he is depressed. (Again, in inverse mirror way, we can talk of how Snape looks for a father figure in Dumbledore - craves his validation and is proud of Dumbledore's trust in him). We could argue it's also because Buckbeak is there, and perhaps it's the largest room in the house, but it's very telling that's where Sirius spends time when he is "in a fit of sullens". Sirius's sense of abandonment from his family, makes him look for family connections with friends - a trait he shares with Harry. Interestingly, the first time he glimpses Harry in Privet Drive, Harry is also running away from home - just like he did. Anyway, I could go on.

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flickeringart · 3 years

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Minor aspects

While the nature of the major aspects in astrology is quite straightforward and has been covered more than sufficiently, there’s still a lot of fog surrounding the nature of the minor ones. There are a lot of minor aspects that can be taken into consideration when interpreting a chart… however, since they are labeled minor they won’t be as obvious and much more difficult to spot in one’s own life. Note that this doesn't mean that they aren't impactful. There’s a lot of speculation and vague terms used when describing them. It seems that every minor aspect is said to have a “spiritual/creative dimension” as if that is supposed to clear up any of the mystery surrounding them. Perhaps, on one level, we don’t want to pin them down too much because certainty is the enemy of exploration. Or perhaps it’s the case that the aspects themselves don’t want to be pinned down? There’s an appeal in keeping certain things mysterious in our lives, to avoid defining and putting rigid labels on phenomena. It makes life alive and beautiful. Many people dismiss astrology is because they are afraid that they’re going to be reduced to a set of characteristics and have their personality mapped up to the point of being able to predict and foresee patterns of behavior and fated themes. The fear of knowledge is not irrational; it is probably healthy to an extent. Knowing too much can be dangerous and rob life of its magic. “Curiosity killed the cat”, as the saying goes. However, this is not the whole truth because curiosity also leads to expansion and better understanding, so let’s not be afraid to concretize these aspects, it's not the same as "killing" their potential. Life is never completely in our hands anyway, there's no risk of knowing it all.

Quintile (72°)/Bi-quintile (144°)

These aspects are said to have something to do with individual style and quality of creative work. It is suggested that these aspects say something about a mental-creative process of imposing one’s mind on a particular subject. It is also linked to talent and gifts the individual would possess that have not been actively learned. Basically, it seems to be indicative of the particular way a person would approach a subject. For example, the quintile would not describe the activity itself - the activity could be painting, knitting, running, cleaning or whatever – the quintile/bi-quintile would point to the way the person approaches the activity.

For example, Ted Bundy (whose chart I’ve explored a bit here), has Neptune bi-quintile the MC. Neptune, being the planet of illusion hints to Bundy’s quality of being a chameleon, deceiving the public as part of his personal style.

Prince Harry, (whose chart I’ve touched upon before), has his Moon bi-quintile Neptune. The Moon can be indicative of the mother figure, and his mother Princess Diana certainly had an elusive style and charm that was a bit deceptive and seductive. Of course, he would have the same thing going in his own life but it would perhaps be difficult for us to spot. He also has Moon quintile Venus and he definitely has a style/quality of emotional-physical comfort. He has Pluto quintile the AC, which would point to a style of showing up in the world that is powerful and intense. He has a tendency to come off as destructive and chaotic at times. There’s also a quintile aspect forming between Mercury in the 8th house and the MC which would hint to a public image that is colored by the “taboo” things he has said about his family in the recent present, but also in the past. He’s a public image that is aligning with the style of the playful amoral trickster.

As I’m going with charts I’ve already explored, let’s look at the quintiles in Meghan Markle’s chart. Her Venus is quintile Uranus and it perfectly describes her style of “wokeism”, that is, appearing to be objective and intelligent about feelings and affective values. She has a style of being “the loving humanitarian”. Whether she is this way in an actual sense is debatable. The quintile aspect is describing the quality and style not the actuality. But, it is disturbingly close to reality that it somehow becomes reality. It’s like the actor who adopts another energy signature in order to portray a different person. It doesn’t really matter if a person is rotten at the core - if he has a loving way of being, what difference does it make? The style is real enough to not reflect and give the impression of love.

Semi-square (45°) / Sesquiquadrate (135°)

These aspects are said to precipitate events. The nature of these two aspects is more immediate than the square aspect (which causes tension and doubt and needs constant navigation). The conflict represented is usually unconscious and is therefore not easy to identify. However, as these conflicts tend to manifest quite abruptly, we can take a look at the concrete problems the person faces. The planets connected by a semi-square/sesquiquadrate aspect will be in conflict but force some kind of release (that may result in an accident because of it’s autonomous/unconscious function).

I have Saturn sesquiquadrate my Moon. Since I tend to unconsciously block my emotional responses, the pressure builds and I am “forced” to get out of a situation, “forced to listen to my emotions”. I have encountered the theory that the sesquiquadrate in particular is manifesting as something that is looked down upon societally. This would make sense considering the aspect forces a breakout of one of the planets and nothing that is immediate and abrupt is ever favorably looked upon when it comes to social-societal structure and predictability. I have been meaning to take on commitments that would further my status in society in terms of formal education (Saturn in the 9th conjunct the MC) but I have not been able to do it without considerable decline in my emotional well-being. So, I have been “thrown out” by unconscious forces every time I’ve tried.

My sister has her Venus sesquiquadrate Saturn. She’s known for her deliberate and strategic way of dressing. She plans her outfits carefully, there’s nothing haphazard about the way she presents herself. However, she has Lilith conjunct Venus so she can push the limits and simply do what she pleases sometimes as well when the pressure of Saturn becomes too much. But, this often causes external judgment. A relative of mine has her Sun semi-square Venus. I can tell that she’s highly aware of her appearance. She is very pretty but there’s always something that is a bit off between what she wears and her self-expression. It’s like it doesn’t quite fit and it’s irritating.

To get back to the celebrities, Meghan Markle has Neptune sesquiquadrate Mercury. Is it possible that this forces distortion and vagueness in opinion and communication? It would certainly fit the bill. She also has Uranus sesquiquadrate Mars. She simply has to “break out of her confining situations”, cut people out of her life and move on in her own way. Uranus is also sesquiquadrate her MC, which seems to point to her unconscious pull to “do what she wants to do” at the detriment of her public image and reputation. Notably, Uranus sits in her 5th house of personal enjoyment and creation.

Prince Harry has a semi-square between Mars and Pluto. When he is angry it blossoms into rage and he can’t see straight. It has gotten him into quite a lot of trouble and societal-social disapproval. It seems that this is a common theme with the sesquiquadrate and semi-square. He also has his Moon sesquiquadrate Jupiter. Isn’t it the case that he tends to indulge in a way that makes him look bad in society?

Quincunx (150°)

This aspect is typically found between planets incompatible by element and mode. Basically, they have nothing in common and have a hard time cooperating, which will cause minor stress in the individual because of necessity to work around the incompatibilities. The planets are not in direct conflict but they are uncomfortable with each other.

For example, I have my Moon quincunx Mercury. Every time I sit down to write I’m mildly disturbed by little things like an aching back, a headache, restless legs or whatever. It’s not very comfortable for me but I can still keep with it, however it might take a toll on me health wise. The quincunx has been related to health issues because of the mild stress that it causes. It is manageable and one is usually able to cope with the stress, but it’s not very pleasant. Because it is not as demanding as more disturbing conflicts in one’s life, it’s in the background causing irritation.

Meghan Markle’s Venus makes a quincunx aspect to her MC. This suggests that she has a hard time reflecting her value on a public level, it’s as if how she’s perceived publicly disturbs her sense of ease and comfort. She has an Aries MC with a Virgo Venus and she’s continuously depicted as a bully these days, as some kind a selfish and aggressive bitch (the more negative attributes of Aries). This must be undermining her self-worth immensely, however, it’s perhaps too minor of a problem to do anything about. It is still there nonetheless, harping on in the background, breaking her down and causing slow disintegration…

Semi-sextile (30°)

Planets forming semi-sextile aspects are said to be able to aid each other, to have a better connection than if they had no link at all. Usually one planet is in the sign that comes before the sign of the other; in other words, a semi-sextile might be forming between Mars in Aries and Venus in Taurus. The semi-sextile usually connects consecutive sign like this, but planets could be in semi-sextile in the same sign, like Mars in 0° Taurus semi-sextile Venus in 30° Taurus. In any case, the planet placed at an earlier degree or in the earlier sign can draw on qualities of the planet in the later degree or the later sign and vice versa. For example, Prince Harry’s Venus in Libra is semi-sextile his MC. He can draw on his sense of harmony a diplomacy to benefit his public image. His Mars in Sagittarius is also semi-sextile his MC, which makes it so that he can draw from his Martial qualities of energy and action to influence his career and success.

Parallel/Contra-parallel

These are called aspects in declination because they are measured by latitude and not by longitude. This essentially means that two planetary bodies can aspect each other in a certain way measuring the distance between them north-south of the celestial equator. Two planets at the same degree north and south of the equator form a parallel aspect and can be interpreted the same as a conjunction (some say that it's more obscure like a quincunx/semi-square). Two planets opposite each other north and south form a contra-parallel aspect and can be interpreted as an opposition (some say that it's basically the same as the parallel though).

I have found, looking at my own chart that these aspects only confirms already existing aspects measured by longitude or it confirms the sign that a specific angle is in. For example, my MC is in Aries and it is also parallel Mars. Mars is the ruler of Aries so it emphasizes my already martial MC. My Sun is conjunct Saturn and it’s also parallel Saturn. My sister has a Scorpio MC and it’s also parallel Pluto, the natural ruler of Scorpio. For example, my sister has a wide Moon-Mars conjunction (6°) but they are also in contra-parallel. How is this supposed to be interpreted? I would simply see it as Moon-Mars is connected strongly despite the orb being a little wide with the conjunction.

However, it’s not always the case that parallel and contra-parallel aspects only confirms already existing influences. They can also add themes and connections. My sister doesn’t have any longitude aspects between Saturn and Uranus but they are contra-parallel to each other.

Septile (51.43° - a 1/7 of the 360°)

It is said to indicate a hidden flow of energy between the planets involved, an inner sensitivity to the spiritual dimension of the planets. Another description I have come across is that the planets “darkly interact” and there’s an occult theme surrounding the connection.

I have Venus septile Jupiter in my own chart. Going by the said method of interpretation, it would mean that I have sensitivity to the hidden wealth and underlying beauty and abundance in life. I think it is quite accurate.

Novile (40° - 1/9 of the 360°)

Is said to be describing a contact of perfection/idealization. It also seems to have something to do with spiritual awakening and growth, lack of fear and freedom.

Having Sun novile Saturn for example could be interpreted as a feeling of communion with the world and life itself through responsibility and the control one can exercise through self-expression.

----

There are of course other minor aspects to explore, but I'll stop here for now.

#astrology #aspects in astrology #minor aspects #minor aspects in astrology #quintile #bi-quintile #semi-square #sesquiquadrate #quincunx #parallel and contra-parallel #aspects of declination #prallel aspects #contra-parallel aspects #septile #novile #aspects in the natal chart #aspects #aspects in declination

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spideyspeaches · 3 years

Text

Heart made of glass ↬ t.h

A/N: Beta read by the lovely @hollandcrush !! <3<3

Request (Summary): can you please write one about Tom, who is on the filming process of cherry and has some emotional problems because he feels that his character is already part of his life, so he comes home very angry and in a bad mood, so he just snaps and creates a big fight with the reader and just says things that he obviously didn't meant, you know very angst, and at the end just very fluff.

Hope you like this anon! Lemme know your thoughts heh <3<3

Warnings: breakdowns, slight vomiting but it’s not graphic. I’m not in any way romanticizing or sexualising breakdowns.

WC: 2k+

Pairing: Tom Holland x Reader

Masterlist || Taglist

Tom was an ambitious guy. He took his roles seriously, no matter what his character was and who he played. It was an admirable trait, the way he both enjoyed his work and worked hard to earn a high place in such a place as Hollywood.

You always took pride in how amazing and accomplished your boyfriend was, your heart swelling whenever you heard his name being mentioned in events and interviews. You enjoyed how he tried to diversify the movies he worked in.

("I've been playing the friendly neighbourhood Spider-Man for so long, it's about time I play someone different now." He once said in a Jimmy Kimmel interview. You were watching from the audience, smiling as the audience roared in affirmation.

"Well looks like you took quite a big leap from playing a superhero." Jimmy said, smiling at the audience with his paparazzi smile.

You knew the question was scripted, quite harmless, but you still noticed how his shoulder stiffened, his smile not wavering once.

"Well yeah, I used to be a superhero and now I'm a heroin addict." He joked, winking at the audience as he ran a hand through his nearly hairless head.

He cried himself to sleep that night, burying his face in your chest as you shushed him. )

It always worked in his favour, with the incredible support his family and fan base provided. And he was always so humble about it.

Filming Cherry, however, was way different than he thought it would. With filming Cherry came consequences that he didn't necessarily like. He knew what he was bringing on himself and his family when he was first introduced with the script.

(Contrary to popular belief, he didn't actually give out spoilers, it was just small promotional stunts that kind of took over as his reputation to spoil minor details.)

The process was intense, getting into the mindset of "Cherry" was taxing, and people were beginning to notice it in him. He was more restless, tugging at his non existent curls when he thought no one would notice.

He was more clingy, more appreciative of your body and you, letting you know that there was no sexual intent behind his acts of caressing your waist at random times. You didn't notice the change in his behaviour.

He had always been like this, watching you with the most gratifying gaze a man could muster, his pretty brown eyes like globes of whiskey, staring at you with a muffled expression. You didn't notice.

There had always been a cutting edge to his voice, you knew and adored it. Behind the British actor who played Spider-Man, he was your Tom. Your Tom who gave you forehead kisses and baked cakes with you and made silly playlists that reminded him of you and you of him, your Tom who worshiped the ground you walked on, your Tom, your Tom and your Tom.

(Sometimes you envied that he was an actor, so good at hiding any emotions he felt, it came easy to him, just another fake emotion like he was a face behind the camera.)

He was never aggressive towards you. Never. Even on tough days, he was soft, caring and understanding to the point where it made you mad, immediately making you feel guilty. He worked so hard and yet here you were, blaming him for being nice, never standing up for himself.

"Uh, Tom, Tom stop, wait." You grunted, pushing his shoulders as he scrambled away from you at your discontent.

You held his face, his breath hitching, hyperventilating as he tried to get himself together.

Ever since he had started filming Cherry, he had been away from you. And now that you were finally here, he had been all over you, making love to every inch of your skin, like it was a holy grail he had to find, caressing your warm skin under his fingers making you shiver as his nimble fingers wandered. It was the intimacy, sexual and quasi-sexual, that made you realise, that there was something wrong.

Sex- it had been a constant in your life other than Tom. But of course, you didn't live on it. It was but a fuel that strengthened your relationship, it was about discovery and showing your vulnerable sides. It was a reminder of the coffee dates and baseball matches. It was loving, gentle and raw, like a gentle breeze caressing your face.

But this, this was different. And you noticed. This, what you had been doing, it was fucking. It was aggressive and needy and it felt good, but at the same time, it felt different.

"Baby?" You asked softly, trying to meet his eyes in the dark lit trailer. It was late, way past filming times, the only time you got to see his vulnerable side.

You should have been in his hotel room, but you were in his trailer instead. All alone in the all encompassing darkness, it made your heart stutter beats.

"Baby speak to me. What's happening, who's doing this to you?" You ask once again, holding onto him firmly this time, his squirming frame making you loosen your hold. You didn't care that you were naked, he had already seen it all.

Fiddling with the rough sheets, he huffed a heavy breath. And that was all it took for the dam to break.

"Tell me how do you feel baby, you're starting to scare me." You urged. All you got in response was his muffled sobs. Pulling him forward, you let his head rest on your bare chest, rivulets of tears sliding down your warm skin, almost burning you like acid, his tiny hair tickling you, a very contrasting feeling.

"I can't do it. I can't take it anymore." He sniffed, wrapping his strong arms around you, shivering at the contact. It was a cold night in Cleveland, and you were naked and he was crying. You were berating yourself for not noticing.

"What can't you take anymore?" You hold him, tracing circles on his buzz cut hair, just the way you did when he had his curls.

"I feel like I'm becoming him. I don't like it at all, I try and try but I can't." He sobs, shoulders hitching with each sob. You felt your heart break, the sounds of his cries sending daggers into your skin.

How could you have not noticed? The lively sunshine of a man was almost an empty shell. The interviews with former drug addicts had been excruciating for you, pity, disgust, sympathy and every other sinful emotion swirling in your mind.

You couldn't believe that you hadn't thought about Tom, of what an effect it would have on him.

"Bub, listen to me, carefully," you said, shushing him as he continued to look at you, teary eyed and red nosed, snot dripping out of his nose,"you listen to me. You're strong and resilient and nothing like him okay? He's not you. You're Tom Holland. You're brilliant and brave and amazing okay?"

"But I don't feel that way!" He said, his aggressive stance surprising you, "he's- he's…"

"He's what?" You asked, a little too impatient. Muttering a sorry, you rub your palm on his cheek, kissing the soft, moist skin.

"I don't feel so good." He croaked, getting up suddenly, making a run for the washroom. You rushed after him, watching him as he heaved into the toilet. Rubbing his back, you muttered affirmations, curling besides him as he sat on the ground, his back to the cold wall.

You got up to switch on the lights, feeling his hands tugging yours, a soft "stay" coming out of him.

"Better?" You asked, feeling him now against your collarbone.

"I shouldn't be this affected, this- this isn't fair. I'm overreacting, I'm sorry I worried you baby I swear I didn't mean to-"

"Shh, Tom first of all, you're not overreacting okay?" You smiled, kissing his nose, moving towards his brows and his forehead, "It's perfectly reasonable. The role you're playing...It's not exactly picking daisies. Fuck you're playing a heroin addict Tommy, a broken soldier with PTSD, a breakdown was inevitable. It only shows that you're human."

"Really?" He smiled, it looked more like a grimace, a plea for reassurance.

"Yes, really." You said, booping his nose, eliciting a giggle from him,"now, you better go to bed mister, you have an early shoot don't you?" You playfully scolded, kissing his lips, laughing as he carried you bridal style.

"Tomorrow will be better." You whispered, kissing his eyelids, already closed, chest moving rhythmically as you counted his pulse, making sure he was completely asleep before slipping on your clothes, covering him with the thin quilt.

***

"Is everything okay on set?" You asked casually, watching the crewmates work tirelessly in the daylight.

You were standing next to Ciara on a prop jeep, fiddling with the water bottle held in your hand.

"Hmm, as okay it can be with two people playing drug addicts." She shrugged, looking at you with a small smile.

"Are you okay?" You asked, turning to give her your full attention, remembering your boyfriend's breakdown yesterday.

"It gets… intense at times. Some scenes are hard to play, but we're okay. Mostly." She answered, taking your water bottle and chugging the water.

"I'm not a therapist, but you can talk to me, you know?" You smiled, holding her shoulder as she gave you a bashful smile.

"It's been tough on Tom. He's more aggressive, nearly had a breakdown during a scene." She said.

"Yeah, that.. that happened yesterday too."

"It was time, a person can only hold so much right?"

"Yeah."

You pondered her words, wondering if you could do anything to curb this.

"I think I need help." He said one day while you were eating dinner. Harry, who was sitting next to you, looked up from his plate, giving you a knowing look before clearing his throat.

"I'm gonna get some water." He said, waving awkwardly at you and getting up. You took that as a cue to scoot closer to Tom, running your hands through his camel hair.

"That's very brave of you hun, asking for help." You smiled, kissing his cheek softly. You felt him smile, sliding closer to you, holding you by your waist.

"I learnt from the best." He muttered in your hair, kissing your forehead.

You felt his love that day, felt the way he ran his smooth fingers on your waistline, sliding across your thighs with care and softness you hadn't felt in a while. He was healing. It was a process, it took time but it happened.

***

You were walking across the library, his hand in yours, your hearts beating in silence.

"How was your appointment?" You asked, shivering in the cold air. You rubbed your palms together, bringing your jacket closer to your chest, huffing the cold air.

"It was good, much different from what the media portrays. She even showed me this meme she thinks you would like, look." He said, bringing out his phone to show you the saved meme.

You laughed at his eagerness, kissing his lips as a final gratification.

"Well it looks like you're having a great time. You have another scene left to do today in the evening so we better scram." You reminded him.

You always did that, remind him of his schedule, reminded him to take a breath when he felt like he was drowning. You reminded him of home and what he had to look forward to.

"Why can't we have a lazy day today?" He whined, kissing your neck, making you giggle as it tickled.

"You know you can't do that hun, you already took three days off." You snickered, poking his sides.

"Well that sucks. I just want to spend my day with my girl, is that too much to ask?" He smiled, kissing your forehead, one hand holding yours, swinging back and forth, the other holding a large cup of coffee in a tight grip.

You reached to loosen his fingers, taking a sip, slurping loudly, making him laugh. You decided you liked this laugh much better, it was breathy and free, a melody to your ears.

You noticed how he was more relaxed and back to being that ray of sunshine. Back to being your Tom.

Thanks for reading! also as a side note- here’s a similar fic @itsallyscorner !!

#tom holland x reader #tom holland x reader fluff #tom holland smut #tom holland x reader smut #tom holland x actress!reader #tom holland x you #tom holland fluff #tom holland angst #spideygirl writes

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moontrinesaturngal · 3 years

Text

My First Astrology Observations Post♾

~Sagittarius Moon’s have insecurities having to do with their knowledge.They are very dedicated to learning in a way to say they give it their all,because of this they refuse to believe someone else knows better then they do even in day to day conversations.

~Sun square saturn aspect in natal chart can indicate self-esteem issues,a wounded ego,a introverted personality that also can lead to self isolation.

~Moon square mars indicates a person who tends to release their emotional side when arguing,these people hate being yelled at and worse being misunderstood or when they’re not given a chance to explain their behavior’s.This leads to angry-crying and holding grudges.

~Mars in cancer in natal chart usually indicates a passive-aggressive character who also gives people lots of silent treatment(together with libra mars)because they usually don’t know how to express their anger at the moment like some aries martian’s.But if they have bottled all their anger for a very long time they will explode.

~Jupiter in 2nd house natal chart gives a person financial luck and support or material possession’s come very easily to them.But if they don’t focus on working hard at times and spend excessively they’ll have lots of debts or simply said financial loss.

~Aries Rising and Jupiter in 1st house natal chart indicates having a big forehead(Ex.Rihanna,Shakira,Harry Styles,Jimmy Fallon etc.)

~Undeveloped particular placements tend to behave like the opposite signs (Ex.Taurus Moon or Venus girls IF undeveloped could get really envious and jealous of other girls ,an act that usually unharmonius scorpio placements would do.Another one would be guys with Aquarius placements could have a big ego,boosted self-confidence and etc ,an act which Leo placements would rather have.)

~Moon/Mercury/Venus aspecting Neptune are literally day-dreamers,could also have artistic skills.

~The MOON sign itself tells us about the energy that our mothers project onto us.Some examples could be Piscean moons,they either felt closely to their mother figure or were the opposite which would be something similar to being emotionally detached.

~4th house placements in natal chart never really let go of their childhood moments and that pushes them to often feel nostalgic,or just always remembering them whether they were good or bad

~Gemini Venusians favorite way of love is through laughing,joking and having fun.They don’t prefer too strict or serious partners unless they have a capricorn stellium.

~Sun square mars tends to have issues with father figure.

~Mercury conjuct/trine/sextile Jupiter natal chart are philosophical,jovial,open-minded,humorous with a broad outlook too.

~Planets in 5th house indicate what kind of energy you have around children in particular but also how your kids could potentially be.

FYI these are just my observations,I could be wrong so don’t take them too personally.

Peace out✌🏻

#astro observations #astrology #moon #planets #houses #aspects #rising #astro notes

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twopoppies · 3 years

Note

My friend's a journalist, she's not in the entertainment industry but I wanted to come on here and mention some of the stuff she's told me before that you've said yourself gina over and over again but more aggressively and with some extra stuff because people don't seem to get it.

Of course Rob is going to support the narrative and image that's being pushed by Harry's PR team, it would be incredibly stupid of him not to. For multiple reasons.

He lose's his connection to Harry (you do not want to burn bridges in the entertainment industry you burn one you burn 10).

If he outs harry styles, who is currently very big mind you. Harry is at the height of his career(I think?), such a large of the general public knows him and of him and his existence. And so if he out's him Rob will likely face backlash from hell. It will be the article that ends his career, I can almost guarantee that. Or at the very least its going to be a major set back he is never going to recover from.

So like I get the whole 'oh but I thought rob was on our side' or whatever people are saying. But the way Rob get's access to Harry is through playing both side's(those are your words gina and they are spot on). Rob is not going to choose a side I understand wanting him to, but it's also kind of not fair to expect (I would say, I understand disagreeing). Because I can understand, he's looking after his own career and that is more than fair. I don't keep up with Rob too much and I don't think he's ever said anything out of line or rude about us? (Unless he has in which case forget I said that, that's him playing to the side with more people on it, he just wants as many people as possible on his side if that makes sense?)

On the note I would like to remind people that Rob is not Harry's spokesperson what he say's is not the law (lol) , what he say's is not what goes through harry's mind, and like gina said he's not besties with Harry. He has access to him, those are two very different things. Keep that in mind.

(None of this was directed at you gina, you've I'm pretty sure mentioned most of what I say above, I just wanted to get the point across more aggressively, unless you'd rather not post this in which I also completely understand. Anyway take care!)

Hi honey. Thanks for this. Yes, I've said all of this before, but for whatever reason people seem to forget that there are many things at play when someone like Rob writes an article or likes a tweet or whatever. Everyone is playing the game in the way that suits them best. Including Harry, including Rob etc etc. Again, I do believe Rob knows Harry is queer, and I do believe he hints at that quite strongly (as opposed to many other journalists who don't notice any of the queer things H does and instead make everything about the official narrative in a way that makes it sound as though they believe it/haven't looked further).

in reference to this

#rob sheffield

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anabsolutetrainwreck · 3 years

Text

but we’re still young || h. styles

warnings: mentions of alcohol, references to alcoholism, swearing, brief mentions of death, sexual references, discussions of infertility, googled medical diagnoses, breakup, references to covid, not really proofread

word count: 7.2k

summary: anecdotes of a relationship destined to collapse...

01 march, 2013

“Just talk to her, man!” Liam yelled over the deafening music of the club. Harry sighed, his eyes drifting between the drink in his hands and you. You were dancing with your friends, laughing as the skinny girl tripped over her own feet. Snapping his eyes away from you, he glanced across at Liam, “Bit creepy, though, isn’t it?”

“You have been staring at her for the past five minutes. That’s creepier than just talking to her,” Liam shrugged, patting Harry on the back.

The band had been given the night off. Finally. Collectively, they’d all decided to go out together. That’s not to say they would be staying out too late, though - they had an early start the next morning. “Yeah, man,” came Niall’s voice. “Just go buy her a drink or something.”

“No,” Louis said quickly, arriving at the bar with Zayn. “Don’t do that. They’d rather you just spoke to them than try and buy them a drink. It makes it seem like you’re trying to get them drunk and, you know…”

Harry finished the rest of his drink, running a hand through his hair. Zayn glanced between him and the exit to the club, “Harry, mate, maybe you shouldn’t. If somebody sees you talking to a girl and leaks it to the press-”

“Well, then they’re a dickhead,” Liam said. “It’s your life, Hazza. Worth a shot, right?”

Zayn sighed, “Yeah, they’re a dickhead. But that doesn’t mean it won’t be her who faces the consequences for talking to you. You know what they’re like whenever we talk to a girl.”

“Too late,” Niall said quickly, gesturing over to the three girls walking over to the bar. One of the girls was considerably drunker than the others, both of them having to support her. The five boys tried to be subtle as they carefully watched you and your friend sit the drunker one down at the booth by the bar. They could just about hear your conversation over the music. After all, you weren’t sat all that far away. “Jesus, Eileen,” you sighed, examining your giggling friend. “What did you drink?”

“I think we should take her home,” your other friend said.

“No!” Eileen protested. “We’re having so much fun!”

“You’re so drunk,” the other one laughed at Eileen and your frustrated expression.

“You know me, Nelly, I love a good vodka and coke!” Eileen grinned. “Once I have one, I can’t stop.”

“Have you considered therapy?” Nelly joked. “An AA meeting, maybe?”

You scoffed, slumping back against the padded fabric of the booth. Brushing the loose strands of Eileen’s hair out of her face, you wrapped her jacket around her bare arms. “Come on,” you sighed, “let’s go home.”

You and Nelly carefully lifted Eileen up from the seat to guide her out of the club. The cold London air was refreshing against your flushed cheeks. Yes, you may have been slightly tipsy, but you were nowhere near as bad as Eileen. Besides, Nelly was entirely sober. The only thing she’d drunk that night was a glass of lemonade. She wasn’t much of a drinker. She’d have a glass of wine at fancy dinners and that was usually the extent of it.

Back inside the sweaty club, Harry was beginning to regret not saying a thing to you at all. He’d watched you leave the club with your friends and he suddenly just wanted to go home. “Tough luck, mate,” Louis sighed, smiling sadly at the deflated boy before him.

Fortunately for Harry, he noticed something on the table of the booth you’d just been sat at. It was a set of keys. He quickly snatched them up and ran out after you. There was hope for him yet. He ran down the street after you. Thankfully, due to Eileen’s stumbling, you’d yet to get too far. “Excuse me!” he called. “Excuse me, I think you dropped your keys!”

It was you who turned back to look at him. His arm was outstretched, the keys between his fingers. You thanked him as he dropped them into your hand. Once he straightened his back from being hunched over, trying to catch his breath, and his face became illuminated by a streetlamp, did you realise who he was. Harry Styles. You didn’t say anything, though. You assumed he probably got enough of people telling him who he was on the daily that he wouldn’t need an extra one from you. He reached out to shake your other hand, “I’m Harry.”

“I know,” you smiled. “Y/N.”

He grinned. Y/N. He knew your name. Your hand was soft against his. You were wearing this black dress, or maybe it was blue. It was too dark to tell. Your lips were red, maybe pink. You smelt of strawberries. “I think you look really pretty,” he said, thankful it was so dark to hide the red tint that graced his cheeks.

You smiled politely, trying to ignore the sniggering of Nelly and Eileen from behind you. “Thank you, Harry.”

He nodded, unsure what to say next. But he knew he couldn’t let this opportunity slip from his grasp. “Can I have your number?” he asked, already knowing what the answer would be. Of course you weren’t going to just give him your number.

You shrugged, “I don’t even know you.”

That wasn’t necessarily true. Your younger brother had given you a full debrief on the members of One Direction last time you’d gone back home to visit your family. He’d made sure not to miss a single detail. So, yes, you did know him. Not personally, of course. But it felt personal. He hung his head, “Yeah. Of course. Why would you trust me?”

You knew he wasn’t saying it in an aggressive or sarcastic way. Really, why would you trust him? You sighed, “You’re famous?”

It was a joke. You were joking. And it took him a split second to laugh. Well, he chuckled, really. “I’ll give you my number if you write a song about me,” you smirked. Again, you were kind of joking. And yet, he nodded.

“Deal.”

20 november, 2013

And write a song about you he did. You found yourself tangled up in the sheets of his bed five days before his third studio album was set to be released. Two months you’d been together now, and they’d been perhaps the happiest of your life. Running your fingers delicately through his mop of hair, smiling contently as he closed his eyes in utter bliss. It should have been sunny outside, the golden rays practically pouring in through the windows of his flat. But alas, it was pouring with bitter rain. “I have to go soon,” he grumbled, nuzzling his tired face into your waist, wrapping his lethargic arms around your thighs.

You nodded, sighing, “I know, baby.”

“So much fucking press,” he groaned, forcing his eyes open. “Same fucking questions. What’s your favourite off the album? Who is this one written about? Are you single? Everyone’s in love with you, how does that feel?”

You smiled down at him softly, “Good thing you love talking about yourself then, isn’t it?”

He grinned, “Exactly. Just wish they’d ask something novel and somewhat fucking entertaining. Podcast or songs in the shower? Would you ever become a classical composer? Hardback or paperback?”

“What, and ‘podcast or songs in the shower’ is novel and somewhat fucking entertaining,” you couldn’t help but laugh. “Yeah, a real exclusive for the journalists.”

He chuckled, dragging himself out of bed. He slipped into the bathroom, emerging in no time at all dressed in a t-shirt and some jeans. Unplugging his phone, he pressed his lips to yours. “I’ll see you later,” he said.

You threw the covers from your body, following him through the flat. Harry grabbed one of his coats, before hugging you tightly. “I love you.”

You pulled away quickly, staring up at him, eyes wide, “Really?”

“Yeah,” he nodded. “I guess I do.”

“I guess I love you too.”

When he returned, it was dark. You were lying in his bed, your eyelids heavy. He crept in, kissing you lightly. “I wrote a song about you,” he whispered.

You smiled up at him weakly, “You did? You kept your end of the bargain.”

He nodded. And so, he played it for you. You were curled up in his bedsheets, listening to a song a guy had written about you. And it was pretty fucking good. “When did you write it?” you asked as it came to an end.

“A few nights after we met. Do you like it?” he asked nervously.

You nodded, grabbing his face to kiss him, “I love it. What’s it called?”

“Little Black Dress.”

07 january, 2014

Months passed. And every single one seemed to get better than the last. It felt as if you were high, right up in the clouds, every waking moment. But you were nervous. Your fingers were practically shaking. However, as soon as Anne opened the door to greet you both with her warming smile, the nerves just seemed to disappear. Vanish. She hugged you first, squeezing you tightly as if she’d know you all her life. She hugged Harry next, hurrying you both in.

The house was warm and cosy and oh so welcoming. There were pictures on the wall of Harry and Gemma as kids and some of Anne and Robin on their wedding day. You couldn’t help but smile at them. Harry noticed you admiring the snapshots of history that had been framed and hung up on the wall. “Cute, wasn’t I?” he joked, squeezing your hand.

You shrugged, “Not as cute as Gemma.”

You had met Gemma before. You’d gone out to dinner with her and Harry when he decided he wanted you to meet his family. She was lovely and too kind to you. But this was your first time meeting Anne and Robin. Their warm smiles and kind words did nothing but make you feel at home.

After chatting for a while, they let you and Harry get settled in. You’d be staying for a couple of days before heading back down to London. He showed you around his childhood bedroom, which did nothing but fill you with joy. “Nothing’s changed,” he smiled, eyes exploring the room that still made him feel like a kid again. “I love coming back. Brings me back down to earth, you know? Back to home. I know it’ll always be here, no matter where I go.”

“That’s poetic,” you said. His lips curved up slightly and when he pressed his lips to your head lightly, you couldn’t help but smile too. It almost felt illegal to be so innocently intimate in his childhood bedroom, filled with long-forgotten memories of a life once lived.

Later, as the sun set over the house that you already felt so welcomed in, you found yourself sat beside Harry in the kitchen. You’d become acquainted with the cats that inhabited the home and Anne’s gorgeous cooking. As Anne and Robin got to know you, you made sure to ask plenty of questions about them. The smile that adorned your face throughout the evening and the following days never seemed to fade or die away. And, by the end of your stay at Harry’s childhood home, you felt as if you’d known Anne and Robin all your life. As if you’d known the walls of the house all your life. And the pictures of youthful ignorances and watercolours of distant landscapes. And the cats that purred loudly as they ran their head along your legs the last thing before you slept and the first thing before you woke.

And you were sure you could revel in the feeling of warm, welcoming homeliness of the home and the family for the rest of your life.

12 october, 2014

Nelly had looked truly ravishing on her wedding day. The white dress was an unusual contrast to her jeans and sweaters. You were convinced there was nothing she couldn’t pull off. Harry had been hanging off your arm all evening, like a lost toddler. He’d acted like one too, making comments about being tired and his feet hurting all day. You paid no mind to him, though. This was Nelly’s day and she was your friend and you wanted to be there to support her. You’d known the girl since your first day of secondary school when you were both a mere eleven years old.

Eileen plopped herself down beside you, her eyes exploring the faces that were lost on her in the large hall. Everybody was mingling now, catching up with people they hadn’t seen since 2010. Her presence pulled you away from your hushed conversation with Harry. “I don’t even know who half of these people are,” Eileen sighed.

“That’s how it usually goes at weddings,” Harry replied, taking a sip of the provided champagne, slumping back in his chair slightly.

“Like, who even is that?” she sighed, gesturing subtly to an elderly man stood with Nelly and her mother.

You sighed, “That’s her granddad.”

“Oh,” Eileen said. “Are you sure? I thought her granddad died last year.”

“No, that was my granddad,” you chuckled. “That’s Nelly’s Granddad Joe.”

“If you say so,” she sighed, finishing the rest of her gin and tonic. “They all look the same to me. White hair, wrinkly.”

Harry stifled a snort at Eileen’s nonchalant tone. You patted her shoulder lightly, also amused. Eileen had a habit of growing very tired of boring occasions very quickly. It had happened numerous times before and it always cracked you up. She started up again, “I never mind the actual ceremony, like that’s somewhat interesting. It’s the mingling I can’t stand. We’ve been here for two hours, Nelly’s already married, why do people care about this stuff so much?”

“Because it’s nice to catch up with people,” you replied.

She lay her head down on your shoulder tiredly, “That’s what Facebook is for.”

Harry chuckled, “Well, she isn’t wrong.”

You tried so hard not to sigh so loudly, but it still came out louder than you perhaps would have liked, “Will you two at least pretend to give a shit? Eileen, this is our best friend getting married and you don’t care. We’ve known her for ten years, liven up. Harry, this is my friend and I want to celebrate with her. Just suck it up and deal with it. We’ll go soon.”

You were quite literally dealing with toddlers. You looked up when Nelly finally came and sat down at the table you’d been huddled around. She finished what was left of her drink and threw her head back. “I’m so tired,” she sighed. Even the bride was beginning to act like a two-year-old.

“I can imagine,” you offered her your best smile. “So, how does it feel to be married?”

“Relieving,” she explained. “But somewhat anticlimactic. My feet hurt and I’m sick of having to say hello to every single aunt, uncle, cousin, nephew, niece. Just to get told ‘oh, I never thought I’d see our Nelly get married’ or ‘my, haven’t you grown’? Yes, Linda, I have. Because it’s been seven years since you’ve last seen me, I’m not thirteen anymore.”

The three of you exchanged amused glances at Nelly’s grumbling. She was throwing her arms about, staring down at the white tablecloth that had a big wine stain in it. Your mother had knocked over her wine when explaining to Harry how much of a teacher’s pet you were in school. Obviously, you had to interject and explain that caring about grades didn’t equal a teacher’s pet. “Oh, you never thought you’d see your Nelly get married, did you? Well, maybe that’s because gay marriage was only legalised last year. Fucking disgusting,” Nelly went on.

Eileen quickly held up her hand, “Please, we’ve heard this rant before.”

Nelly sighed, glancing boredly at Eileen. You all sat in peaceful silence for a moment, comforted by the feeling of Harry’s large hand on your leg. When your mother finally came over, telling you she was heading off, you decided it was time for your departure too. So, congratulating Nelly and her new wife, Emma, on their marriage and beautiful ceremony and bidding farewell to those you were sure you wouldn’t see again until 2016, you and Harry ventured back to your little flat.

Once you were showered and out of the dress you felt so beautiful in, you tumbled into bed, happy to finally have those heels off. Harry’s suit was stranded across your bedroom floor in little piles of shirt and trouser and sock. “Can I perform at our wedding?” he asked, turning to look at you as you lay your head back against the inviting softness of your pillow.

His question and casual tone is what awoke all the life in you. You didn’t sit up dramatically and make a scene about it. You merely rolled over to face him directly, smiling softly at him, “Who said we’ll be getting married?”

He shrugged, “I think it’d be quite nice if we did one day.”

“Maybe,” you hummed, finding a wonderful level of contentment in the discussion of the future with Harry. “But you’re not performing at it.”

He chuckled, “Why not? Me and the boys. The lads and I. A bit of Up All Night? Some more recent stuff? Come on, Y/N, you’d love it.”

“Not when my new husband is singing with his little boyband.”

Hearing you refer to Harry as your ‘new husband’ certainly made him light up inside. And his head was suddenly filled with all sorts of fantasies of what it would be like to wake up beside you every day. To come home from a long day and order food in because neither of you could be bothered to cook. To get your first pet together, probably name it after a character in a show you were presently obsessed with. To raise a family together. To fight through the sleepless nights of infancy, but knowing it would all be worth it because, at the end of the day, he knew you’d always be there. Just as he’d always be there for you.

And he smiled, because he knew this was where he wanted to stay for as long as he can. With you.

15 may, 2015

It felt different waking up under the sun in Italy. Same sun, just… different. It was Italian. It was glorious. Perhaps it was the peacefulness of not having management drag Harry out of bed in the early hours of the morning. Perhaps it was the refreshing release of the pressures of university coursework. Perhaps it was the mere fact that you were completely alone with nobody to interrupt you.

Harry’s hair was splayed out across the cool silk pillows that rested quite perfectly on the bed you wished belonged to you. His tattooed arms were slung lazily over your body and the thin sheets had been kicked to the bottom of the bed in your sleep. It was something about being on holiday that always made you tired, despite doing nothing but reading or lounging about in the sun or splashing about in the pool.

He was snoring quietly, still sleeping soundly. You were happy, though, staring out the large floor-to-ceiling windows that replaced a wall of the bedroom in the villa you were staying at. It opened up onto the pool and had a simply marvellous view of the blue sea. It was a short walk into town, but you and Harry had made a point of exploring it all within the first three days so you could spend the rest of your overdue holiday cuddled up together in the sunlight.

When Harry stirred, his tired eyes still full of sleep, you finally sat up. He wrapped his arms around your waist, trying to pull you back down. You laughed, trying desperately to pry his fingers off your skin. “I’m getting up now,” you said happily.

“Don’t,” he grumbled, closing his sleepy eyes again. “Why get up when we can stay here forever?”

“Why stay here forever when we’re literally in Italy and there’s a pool outside?” you countered.

“But why go swim in the pool when we did that yesterday?”

You shook your head at him, laughing. You pulled yourself away from the bed that could only be described as heavenly. He watched you leave, smiling away to himself. Was this what it felt like to be in love?

Carrying a bowl of fresh strawberries, you wandered out into the garden of the villa. Soon enough, Harry joined you in his yellow shorts. Of course there had been paparazzi pictures of you and Harry exploring Amalfi, hands clasped together tightly. But, for once, you paid no mind to them. Usually, you found it hard not to stare at the pictures of you and Harry for hours, picking apart all the pixelated details of your face and body. You would be lying if you said it didn’t take a toll on you mentally. But, when you were able to turn your phone off for a week and just enjoy the world around you, it left you feeling refreshed and cleansed.

Harry sat himself down by the side of the pool, letting his legs swing between the cool ripples of water. He lay his head back, letting his eyes flutter shut. No words were exchanged, for none were needed. You were both in silent agreement that this was where you wanted to go when you died.

When you finished your strawberries and your lips and fingertips smelt suitably like them, you clambered up from the bench and slipped quietly into the pool. The water was contrastingly cold compared to the sun that beat down relentlessly but perfectly. You swam towards Harry, interlacing your strawberry-scented fingers with his own. He looked down at you, smiling brightly at the sight of such. “I love you,” he whispered.

You grinned, “I love you too.”

“I’d call it more of an unhealthy obsession with me,” he replied, shrugging jokingly.

You scoffed, “If anyone has an unhealthy obsession with someone, it’s you. Let’s go to Italy, you said, you can finish your uni coursework later. You begged me to come here with you.”

He smirked down at you, “Begged? You seemed pretty eager to me.”

“Well, you never have been very observant,” you joked, squeezing his hands tightly, before dragging him into the pool with you.

When he finally resurfaced, brushing his long hair out of his green eyes, he reached out to grasp you. He pulled you close, wrapping his arms around your body submerged in the water. Placing a gentle kiss on the tip of your nose, he held you as if he was scared you were going to be pulled away from him. As if was the last time he would ever get to feel your skin against his own. “When we go home,” he whispered, “move in with me.”

You lay your head against his shoulder, softly closing your eyes. All you needed was the sound of his light breathing and the increased beating of his heart as he waited for any kind of indication of a response from you. “Yeah, okay,” you replied, equally as quiet.

You didn’t want to make a deal about moving in with Harry. The setting wasn’t right. You were holding each other tightly in the pool of an Italian villa in Amalfi, the world around you warm and serene. So, you agreed gently, buzzing violently inside at the prospect of all the adventures you and Harry could get up to living together.

02 july, 2016

You’d lived in Harry’s flat for a month before you both decided to buy your own house. It was a lovely home in Chelsea that you and Harry had simply fallen in love with when you first saw it. It felt perfect in the sunlight and in the pouring rain. But, as you both returned from going out for drinks after your university graduation ceremony, you were quickly irritated by the half-painted walls and flat-pack furniture.

A week or two prior to your graduation ceremony, you had both been sat at the island in the kitchen, when you both decided that you wanted to renovate the house. Maybe replace the grey walls in the living room with a forest green and swap out the black and white furniture for navys and mustards. The modern style of the house had been nice at first, but it quickly began to feel like less of a home and more of an office building. So, you decided to change it up a bit.

Harry recently got back from America after finishing some last-minute shoots on the new Christopher Nolan film he’d been cast in. While you’d visited him once when he was shooting in Dunkirk, you still felt eternally grateful to have him back home. And, while you could sit and hear him talk about what it was like working with Christopher Nolan and the likes of Tom Hardy and Kenneth Branagh, you grew increasingly stressed about graduating and renovating the house. But now the graduation was over and you were officially free of education. The renovation was well underway and you were actively seeking a job with your English literature degree. “Thank God that’s over,” you sighed, sitting down at the kitchen island after pouring yourself a glass of chocolate milk. “Finally free of the tiresome shackles that are higher education.”

He snorted at you, “I’m proud of you. Just think, you were only in your first year at university when we first met.”

You couldn’t help but smile. So much had changed in the last three years of your life. You were sat with your boyfriend, who had just come back from shooting a movie, in the kitchen of your own house in Chelsea, London having just come back from your university graduation ceremony. One of your closest friends was married and had been happily for coming up to two years. The other had just got herself into a relationship after ranting to you about how she wanted to stay single forever countless times before. Life was good and you were content in where you were for your age. Who wouldn’t be? You’d just broken into your 20s and were about to enter the brutal world of careers. “I miss your long hair,” you said suddenly, pouting slightly at the sight of Harry without his hair you’d grown so used to.

“I don’t. Dries so much quicker after showers,” he said. “Stays out of my face when I’m doing stuff. Doesn’t get knotted so easily. So many perks to shorter hair.”

“But you looked so hot with it,” you said, mocking a sad tone.

He smiled, “Don’t I look hot now?”

You shrugged, “You always look hot. Just less hair to grab now.”

His cheeks flushed and you couldn’t help but laugh, “You’re so cheeky sometimes!”

“Just speaking the truth, your honour,” you raised your hands in surrender. “What shall we order in for dinner?”

“Up to you, it’s your day after all,” he smiled. “I’m just going for a shower, so just order me whatever.”

As he got up, he pressed his lips to yours briefly as he walked past, squeezing your shoulder. It was the domesticity of it that made you fall in love with him more and more. Late nights binging crappy tv shows and early morning leftovers and the moment of realisation that you’d forgotten to water the plants by the kitchen window. It was what you’d imagined the entire time you’d been with Harry. All of these hypotheticals that you had stored away in your mind were now your simply marvellous reality.

10 may, 2017

The topic of children had been brought up a few times before. You’d both agreed that you wanted them one day. Mid-twenties maybe, 25 or 26? You’d been together since you were both nineteen, but you were still young. That’s not to say that if you happened to fall pregnant now you’d be entirely opposed to becoming parents. Your house had long been finished and you had a decent job and Harry had his debut album and his film coming out.

But presently, you found yourself sat on the sofa, listening to Harry’s completed album. Anne was sat beside you, silently absorbing the masterpiece that her son had crafted. As Two Ghosts slowly became Sweet Creature, you felt yourself tear up, only to look over and find Anne in floods of tears. You knew, as you listened intently to the lyrics, it was Harry’s way of assuring you it was going to be okay. You didn’t need to worry about starting a family yet. You didn’t need to worry about arguing with him. It would all be okay in the end.

As the final note of From the Dining Table echoed across your living room, it was safe to say you and Anne were both desperate to hear it all again. Harry Styles being unapologetically himself was something you would be eternally proud of him for.

21 july, 2017

Maybe if you hadn’t gone to the Dunkirk premiere on Harry’s arm, you wouldn’t be feeling so uneasy. You were there to look nice and give the newspapers something to talk about the next morning. Always something about ‘HARRY STYLES AND LONG TERM GIRLFRIEND Y/N Y/L/N AT DUNKIRK PREMIERE’ which would be full of meaningless facts about your relationship, your education and career and family, who styled the two of you. Of course, you were excited to see Harry in a project he’d put so much life into and you were so proud of him. But it was when you and Harry were being interviewed that you began to feel uncomfortable.

It had started off fine with questions about what prompted Harry to star in a film, what it was like working with Christopher Nolan, that sort of thing. But, as usual, the interviewers managed to make smooth transitions into Harry’s personal life. “Y/N, you and Harry have been together since 2013, how does it feel to see him succeed on such a global scale?” one asked.

Your gaze shifted between Harry and the camera behind the interviewer, “Well, he’s happy, isn’t he? And, as long as he’s happy, I’ll always be proud of him.”

He couldn’t help but smile to himself at your answer, as did the interviewer, who knew they were getting some good footage. It wasn’t often you did publicity things. Obviously, you would have to be in certain places with Harry to spark some news articles, which were completely set up by Harry’s management. You didn’t mind that so much. But being asked about yourself and your relationship was something you didn’t like all that much. You’d go live on Instagram sometimes and you would get a couple of questions about Harry, which you were usually happy to answer. And if you felt uncomfortable answering them, you could just pretend you hadn’t seen it. But in real-life interviews, there was no escaping them and the hole the camera burnt into you. “So, you two have obviously been together for nearly five years,” another began, “is there any possibility of children in your future?”

Harry had been getting the kids question since he turned twenty, but this one seemed to make him flinch slightly. Maybe it was the recent tension you’d both been feeling about starting a family. Were you ready? Weren’t you? Should you get a home that wasn’t so central first? All these questions that neither of you knew the answers to. Maybe it was the recent loss of Harry’s stepfather and the ripple that had caused within the family. “I think we should get a cat before we have a child,” was your reply, your tone joking and your smile friendly, but your answer serious.

Harry chuckled, “I think we’re both still quite young and we’re both committed to our careers, so having a child right now would just be illogical and impractical. I think it’s healthy to focus on ourselves and our relationship for a few years more.”

But that wasn’t the last question about parenthood. And with each one, you began to feel the pressure of society to start a family more and more. It was actually such a relief to get into the cinema, sit down and just enjoy the film. When you finally got home and up into bed, you had to roll over and voice your thoughts to Harry. “Should we have a baby?” you asked quietly.

“Not if you’re not ready,” he replied in a hushed tone as if he’d been expecting you to bring such a topic up. And, truth be told, he had. He had watched your eyebrows furrow more every time you were asked about kids and your tone become an increasingly stronger mix of shakiness and aggressiveness.

“Everyone expects us to, Harry,” you said.

“Well, they’re not in our relationship. It’s your body, love, when you want a kid, we’ll have a kid.”

09 january, 2019

One year ago, you and Harry had decided to start trying for a baby. You had both reached a point in your lives where you were happy and comfortable. You decided it was the perfect time to start expanding your quiet little home. Neither of you were to know the stress that would come in the following months.

It had been a year. A year and not even a single sign of pregnancy. None of your periods were significantly late, you never felt the urge to throw up in the morning. No weird cravings, no weight gain.

You were round at Nelly’s house with Eileen. Her wife, Emma, was out for the day so Nelly had invited the two of you round. Six episodes deep into the latest craze of television, the three of you found more interest in conversation. “How’s Harry?” Eileen asked after she’d finished telling you about the new dog she and her boyfriend, Charlie, had adopted.

You sighed. You didn’t want to lie and say he was fine; that the two of you were fine. Because you weren’t. Every single negative pregnancy test resulted in an extra argument, more pressure and stress and lots more guilt on both ends. “Yeah, yeah, he’s good. We’re good,” you said.

“You’re such a liar,” Nelly laughed. “Tell us what’s wrong.”

Taking a deep breath, you prepared to explain everything to your friends. From the pressures of the media to the failure to conceive. The two girls sat and listened in silence, absorbing the piles of information you were presenting them with. And, when you were finally finished, Eileen said, “Maybe you should go to the doctors about that. If it’s been a year and you still aren’t pregnant, it might be something they can fix… you know, cure.”

“I’d rather not know if there’s something wrong with me,” you grumbled.

“I think you would. It would be better to know, right? As Eileen said, it might be something they have some pills for,” Nelly said.

“They have pills for everything,” you sighed. “But fine, I’ll go to the doctors. Only if you come with me.”

“Of course,” Nelly smiled softly as Eileen leaned over to squeeze your trembling hand. “Are you going to tell Harry?”

“I’ll tell him if something happens. If they say it’s nothing, then he doesn’t need to know,” you said quietly.

Nelly and Eileen exchanged a silent glance, before Eileen said, “It’s been a year, Y/N. It must be something.”

17 january, 2019

You sat nervously opposite the doctor. Your knee was bouncing and your heart rate can’t have been healthy. You had gotten up early, leaving Harry asleep in bed, to come and collect your results from the doctor. She smiled softly at you and it definitely made you feel more comfortable. “So, Y/N. Your results came back and it appears you have Diminished Ovarian Reserve, or DOR. Basically, you have a lower number or quality of eggs, which makes it harder to reproduce. Essentially, you don’t have as much reproductive potential left within your ovaries.”

Her words quickly became a ringing noise rooted deep within your ears. Your eyes fell from her own and found the horrible carpet on the floor far more comforting. You were alone now and you were beginning to wish you’d brought one of the girls or your mother or even Harry. “I-is there any kind of treatment?” you asked.

She leant back in her chair slightly, interlocking her hands on her lap, “We can prescribe some supplements, which will hopefully increase fertility. But if you want a child, there’s always adoption or we can even try IVF. It’s up to you, Y/N.”

You nodded, grabbing your coat from the chair beside you and slipping your arms into it. You thanked her quickly, taking the supplements and leaving. Everything seemed to pass you by in a blur. It took you a long time to collect your thoughts. And, as you reached your front door, it hit you that you were to blame for the lack of positive pregnancy tests. It was your eggs that were fucking it all up. You might even have a baby right now if it weren’t for you. You took a moment to wipe away the tears that were falling freely from your eyes. You rested your head against the front door before finally pushing your way through.

Harry was sat at the piano in the corner of the living room. He was still in his pyjamas and there was a glass of half-drunken orange juice on the coffee table. He didn’t turn to look at you when he heard you enter, he just said, “Morning, love. Where have you been? You weren’t here when I woke up.”

He was busy scribbling in his notebook to take any real interest in your whereabouts. This was the problem with the hole you and Harry had dug yourselves trying to conceive: nobody cared anymore. He didn’t care where you went or how you were. He didn’t care how your mother was. You didn’t care about how his day was. You didn’t care how his friends were getting on. Nobody cared anymore and it was driving you insane. “The doctors,” you said firmly, standing in the doorframe of the living room, waiting for him to turn around. To face you. To fucking look you in the eye and not be a coward for once in his life.

But alas, he didn’t. He kept his eyes trained on the scribbles of lyrics, “Oh yeah? How was it?”

“Shit,” you snapped. “It was fucking shit. I can’t have kids. We can’t have kids. If you cared to know.”

“How come?” he asked, his back paying you more attention than his eyes.

“Because, Harry, I’m fucking infertile. Okay? I’m infertile. I have Diminished Ovarian Reserve. So, we can’t have kids, so there’s no point in even trying anymore.”

“Don’t worry about it,” he said. “We can try again later.”

He wasn’t listening. He didn’t know what you were talking about. You finally snapped in that moment. You’d had enough of living like this. “Why are we trying, Harry?” you asked, the tears you’d tried so hard to hide resurfacing.

“Because I thought you wanted kids,” he replied.

“No, Harry. Why are we trying? With us. Neither of us cares about the other, we’re both miserable. You’d rather be anywhere but here. And I can’t stand this house any longer. We’re both fucking miserable so why are we still trying? Why are we still fighting for this? Why are we still fighting for a relationship that died months ago?”

He turned to look at you. The scribbling had stopped. The tinkering on the piano had stopped. He was silent. He didn’t know what he was supposed to say to that, so he didn’t think about it, “I am happy, love. Can’t you see?”

You shook your head, stepping back, “No, you’re not. You’re angry at me and you’ll only blame me because I can’t give us children. I need to leave, Harry.”

“What? Y/N, wait,” he said, but you’d already marched up the stairs to your bedroom. He knew you were packing your things up and what you couldn’t pack you’d come back for later. He knew he couldn’t stop you from leaving. He knew he’d be wrong for trying. Maybe you were right, maybe he was miserable, but he still loved you. God, he was so fucking in love with you. And now he was watching the girl he’d loved since he first laid eyes on her dancing in that club with her friends in 2013 walk out of his life.

When you came back down the stairs, some bags thrown over your shoulder, you stood in the doorway to get a final glimpse of him. He looked up, meeting your eyes. Your pretty eyes. “I’m sorry,” you whispered. But he knew you weren’t apologising for the outburst. He knew you weren’t going to come crying into his arms and apologise profusely. He knew he wouldn’t have the chance to explain that they could work through it together. As they always had done before.

“Me too,” he said quietly. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

And you were gone. You did love him. You felt obliged to tell him so. But you needed to leave. You were being strangled in that relationship, in that house. And you knew he was too. You’d grown to resent each other, but you were sure you would love him forever.

13 april, 2021

The baby gurgled loudly, clasping your hair between his fingers. You smiled down at the little miracle in your arms. He was only six months old. But what a little bundle of joy he was. You looked up at the sight of Eileen emerging from the shop, tucking her mask into her pocket, “Thanks for taking care of him.”

You handed him back to his mother. You had swiftly agreed to look after baby Oliver while Eileen ducked into a shop to buy Charlie his birthday present. You both wandered through the hot streets of London, patrolling the fresh fruit market that radiated a vast variety of marvellous scents. Oliver was asleep, the sun making him tired. You liked the little world you’d built up for yourself since 2019. You were a couple of years older with a flat of your own, with plants you still forget to water. And yet, you couldn’t help the prideful smile that took over your features when you heard that Harry had won a Grammy. Any bitterness you’d felt for him soon dissipated. It was your fault for the collapse of your relationship as much as it was his.

But, when you saw Harry Styles purchasing some fresh strawberries just a few metres away, it all came flooding back. A tsunami of forgotten memories. You felt like a young and innocent university student who fell in love too quickly again. Maybe that was the reason you approached him. As he turned to leave the stand, his eyes connected with yours. You smiled softly, “Hi, Harry.”

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jarofstyles · 4 years

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Beauty and the Beast - Amaranthus

A/N: Hellooooooo! So.. How do you feel about sugar daddy Harry who is a vampire? Cause that is what you’re getting with this series. Vampire!harry feels like a necessary ground to cover as fanfic writers, but we didn’t want to be too repetitive. We really hope you all enjoy!! - n + d

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masterlist

pairing: Harry Styles x Reader

warnings: vampire shit, mentions of blood

word count: 7.7k

Amaranthus- There is some conjecture as to whether amaranth is toxic or laden with health benefits. Either way, they produce unique, drooping spikes covered in small, richly coloured red flowers. Its habit of retaining its aesthetic appeal after it dies has caused it to become a symbol of everlasting life.

~~~

“You found me a what?”

Y/N had always joked about how she needed a sugar daddy. It wasn’t that she didn’t have any passions that she could make an income with, she had plenty, but none of her passions would really sustain the lifestyle she wanted. It wasn’t even that she wanted that materialistic lifestyle either! She simply wanted to live in a fancy manor off of the grid, wear her cottage core dresses and pick fresh flowers and bake. She felt like that wasn’t asking for too much? She was a simple girl in her day to day life. Her day job included working at a pottery place— one of those where people come and pick what they want to paint and then come back after they’re fired in the kiln. It seemed to be the perfect fit for someone like her.

Y/N loved art in all forms, but she had a bit of a soft spot for painting. She spent her off days going to museums or going to the park to paint the scenery. It seemed as though her life revolved around that longing for the renaissance, not for anything but the standard of beauty. The beauty of those soft plush bodies held at the time, the way the fabric seemed to so elegantly fall over bodies of all shapes and sizes, the colors used in both fashion and art. To her it was beautiful, she felt like she could live everyday just indulging in art and the pleasures of life, have it be food or sex. When Niall came to her saying he had actually found someone who fit this criteria— and apparently he meant all of it— Y/N was amused.

“You’re saying, there is a man who could provide me with the lifestyle I dream of, in this decade? Who will pay me to—” Y/N wasn’t a virgin by any means, but she had a specific way she went about intimacy. It was passionate, soft, but intense nonetheless. She loved eye contact and those moments where they were both starving for touch. “There must be a catch...”

“There... is. It’s gonna be in exchange for your blood.” Niall winced. Y/N was well aware of the community and the fact that vampires existed. Niall was one! She was just.... not involved. So he had been slightly hesitant involving her in vampire matters until he heard that his good old pal, Harry, had been looking for a feeder. Blood baby? Whatever you could call it for her understanding. “Listen... he’s a great guy. Kind of stuck in the past, but most older vamps are. He’s like... OG og. Lived for hundreds of years. And now he’s finally stopping his blood bag shit or he got tired of the blood bars. He has tons of money— like mega stupid rich with airplanes just because— so he can get you whatever you want. He’ll take care of it. All it means is getting bit once a week.” He had made it sound a lot simpler than it was but he wasn’t fully aware either of the intimacy of a feeder, or a donor in other words. It would be close to each other and feeding wasn’t exactly a family friendly thing. Some vampires could get aggressive but thankfully, as old as Harry was, he knew he had self control and manners. “Listen, here’s his address. You can go over any time after 4 pm today and he’ll expect you. Tell him your name and that Niall sent you.” He pushed. “Just try.”

“This is a vampire thing!?” Y/N’s eyes widened, looking around to make sure she didn’t say it too loud. She didn’t want to catch the wrong person’s attention. “Niall I—” He was making good points. Who else could give her a better experience than someone who had actually lived through it? Free food, shelter in what she assumed to be a massive home that was centuries old, payment? This was exactly what she had dreamed of. “Why am I so hesitant?” She asked Niall with a small sigh, setting her iced hibiscus tea on the table. “I mean— I know why but just... are you sure?” Y/N didn’t want to say she was stereotyping vampires because Niall wasn’t anything like what she thought vampires were— but then again, Niall had only turned thirty years ago so he wasn’t that old. Y/N fiddled with the piece of paper, thumbs running over the ink. She wondered if it was in this man’s handwriting. It looked to be written in fancy script, with one of those quill pens. “Does it... does it hurt?” She asked in a hushed tone, “the bite.”

“It apparently uh... feels really good? I dunno, I don’t run ‘round getting bit but, to humans it apparently feels warm and they get all floaty and shit afterwards. But it doesn’t hurt besides the initial prick, that’s what I’ve heard before anyways.” It was often that people that did know, sought out a vampire bite. Apparently during sex, it would cause the most intense orgasms but he wasn’t about to mention that right now. “He’s a good man, Y/N. I wouldn’t let you go to someone who would hurt you. As long as you don’t mind him not being the most warm and fuzzy guy.... he’s a charmer once you get to know him.” Niall stressed, “He’s been alone the past hundred or so years. Kind of hidden away if he isn’t traveling for work. No one really sees him all that often and he keeps it that way.” Niall knew she would understand. High profile vampires kept a low amount of attention to their physical forms. Vampires were alluring and when people truly looked at them, they could become obsessed. Normal humans anyways. Y/N was different. There was something magical about her. It drew him in but, not romantically. She was just comfortable. Fun. Soft. Cool to be friends with. “Give him a chance. You’re a beam of light! He needs it just as bad.”

“I—” She really should just go. Yes, it was a bit intimidating, but she did trust Niall. “If I get scared, can I call you?” Y/N already knew his answer would be yes, but she still wanted to ask just to be sure. This man lived among humans for hundreds of years, surely he knew how to hunt them and likely knew how to remove traces of them. A blood baby? God. She didn’t know what to even expect, but she decided that she should just take Niall’s advice and go and ask the man for herself. How else was she supposed to know what he wanted?

—

You know when you’re a little kid and you imagine castles? You imagine there to be tons of greenery, cobblestone, lots of flowers in a beautiful meadow? Maybe even a fountain? Well, that didn’t even scratch the surface of this house.

Y/N felt out of place driving in on her baby blue VW beetle, felt like there shouldn’t be any cars here... maybe a horse? The gates opened upon her arrival and shut behind her, a large fountain in the center of the drive way seemed to be a perfect place to park. She hoped he wouldn’t be expecting anyone other than her.

“You’re okay, Y/N... breathe...” She talked herself out of her nervousness, grabbing her tote bag, phone, and keys before heading up the stairs to the front. Was she meant to knock? Would he hear? Was there a doorbell? She wasn’t sure. Y/N settled on a knock, remembering that vampires had great hearing. He probably knew she was there already.

Truth be told, Harry was lonely. His estate was beautiful and grand and well kept but it was missing something. Someone. Someone to truly enjoy it with. God, he wished to hear someone else in the home. Commotion in the kitchen or halls or something that wasn’t staff who would come in to clean or his radio or television. Something he rarely ever used. After hundreds of years, one would think solitude was the norm. And it was— for mated pairs. A vampire would find their soul bonded mate and spend decades just embracing them. Romantic creatures they were. Which was why he felt so haunted. So alone. He hadn’t found his mate yet. His beautiful soul mate he knew was coming soon. But for right now, the mundane has bored him. The blood bar, or going out to find people who would let him feed. He wanted someone to come in and stay with him. Give him the comfort of another body and sentient being around to have, just for the mere knowledge they were.

It wasn’t necessarily uncommon to have feeders. Some called them blood whores, blood banks, food. It was Juvenal, really. They were humans. They were necessary to live because animal blood wouldn’t cut it. Whole yes, as general rule was that humans were foolish and a bit stupid, Harry did respect his food. Kept it a distance away. But he did crave that warmth sometimes. Hoping that his soul mate was soon to be close. When he heard the gates open, he called down to Ida— his housekeeper— to show the human around before bringing her up.

“Come in child..” Ida greeted, “You must be the young lady Niall is friends with.... Y/N, is it?” The woman was warm for someone who wasn’t human, Y/N thought. She was middle aged, had dark hair and blue eyes, but it was her smile that seemed to give her that illusion of humanity.

Y/N had learned the way it felt to be around vampires, that unexplainable pull, it was something she felt with Niall and with a few other vampire friends of his. It came in handy for her safety, Niall thought, though he really never let her go out without him. Like a brother he was.

“Mr. Styles has told me to give you a brief tour, he’s just finishing up with some work.” Ida explained and thought about where to bring her first.

Y/N was more focused on the architecture, half listening as the woman brought her through the rooms. High ceilings, chandeliers, lots of natural light for a place where vampires lived. Apparently they didn’t mind the sunlight, almost like reptiles, they warmed in the sun and grew warm to the touch like a stone of sorts. Y/N was brought back to the real world, pushing a strand of her hair back behind her ear as Ida began walking her up the stairs.

“I’ll leave this part of the tour to Mr. Styles... He’s a bit— he just likes things a certain way is all.” Ida chuckled, leading her to the room at the top of the stairs. “The library...” Ida spoke in a quieter tone, leading the human towards the low speaking voice.

From what Y/N could see, the man was tall, lean yet built. His hair was a deep shade of brown, falling just below his shoulders. His shoulders were broad, body tapering the lower she looked. From the back he looked incredible, but it was when he turned around that Y/N felt the air come out of her lungs. Sure, it was cliché, but his gaze felt like it went right through her. Never in her life had she ever felt so exposed.

Harry sat there with his spine rigid. The smell was overwhelming. Good. Mouthwatering. He had to hold his breath? Or was trying to because he felt all sorts of dizzy each time he sniffed the air. It was the most delicious thing he had ever had in his castle. It didn’t get much better when he saw her because— for fucks sake. She was stunning. It really would be the most difficult thing he’s had to do. Have this young lady here, feed from her, not fuck her. Shower her in what she wanted, it was only fair, considering she was giving him his literal life source. He could go a while without blood but he knew that it wasn’t good for him to continue on feeding once a month or even two months. He needed consistency and someone reliable that would want this. So, he decided on it and went for it. Only how he was realizing the actual possibility of wanting more than just blood from another human. He had been there once and it had terrified him, scarred him from having any more relationships. But of course. This human waltzes in and looks like... she fits. She was innocence. Softness. He looked at her and knew he was in a large amount of trouble. Her dress reminded him of one of his favorite time periods, and he was itching to get closer to her.

“Hello.” He greeted stiffly, looking at the girl. The swells of her breasts were heaving slightly and he could smell that she was nervous but excited. She liked his home, he thinks.

“H—hi...” Y/N breathed out, realizing she was holding her breath. “I um... I’m Y/N, one of Niall’s friends.” She explained enough though she knew he had been expecting her. Niall did say to say that. Y/N wasn’t sure if she should approach him or not so she kept her distance, folding her hands behind her back.

Ida looked between the two and smiled at Harry, giving him a nod signaling she was going to get back to work. Of course, seeing Harry was pleased because well, the young lady seemed to be a breath of fresh air even to her. Though Y/N seemed panicked, Ida simply placed a hand on her shoulder and sent her a wink before heading out of the library.

“Harry, is it?” Y/N wasn’t sure if she to was to call him Mr. Styles, but she figured he would correct her if anything. She wanted things to be a bit less formal despite the type of transaction they’d be having. “I uh... I don’t know much about this kind of stuff but um, Niall, he said nothing but great things and—” She cut herself off realizing she was rambling to fill the silence.

“That’s alright. I do not expect you to be aware of our customs and practices.” Harry didn’t want to be rude. He could be— he was sometimes. But this girl didn’t deserve that. No. She deserved.... cute things and new dresses and beautiful necklaces and the finest of foods. Already. The room felt a bit brighter. Like the sun knew to shine in there because she was here. “Sit, please.” His tone was soft but his voice rough, motioning to the chair in front of his desk. “My name is Harry Styles. I am happy you have decided to come and consider this arrangement.” He sniffed— which was a mistake, trying to keep his eyes from showing hunger and arousal all at the same. He aches to touch her.

“My expectations aren’t great. They’re to stay in my home, with me. Accompany me to some dinners and functions. I haven’t gone in a long while so I have been forced, a bit.” He tried to be a bit less formal, but he didn’t want to go over the top. “I would ask you to come home at decent times. To keep up after yourself a bit. I have cleaning people for washes and daily things but your dishes in the sink, all that. I ask you not to enter my study without knocking, and if a door is locked, do not try and unlock it.” He said it casually but his eyes flashed something that promised a punishment if she did. “I request that you avoid perfumes and scented lotions near your neck area. It can irritate me, and I do not wish to be sneezing or sickly because of it. If you feel as though you must, please consult with me.” He wasn’t unreasonable. “And the last, is obviously.... blood. I will take one to two times a week. It will take 3 hours out of your day, and we can work around when you wish to. But...” he cleared his throat. “For this sacrifice, you may have anything that you’d like. I will provide you with any and everything you wish.”

“So... um...” Y/N swallowed thickly and nodded, “yeah, I—I guess that sounds good. Sorry if I seem hesitant I just always joked with Niall about this I never thought that an opportunity would actually arrive.” She explained with a blush, fiddling with the fabric of her flowy dress. She assumed that the feeling of his eyes boring into her would let up but it hadn’t. “I have a job at the pottery place in town... if you want to give me a starting date I can coordinate. And um... I also have to contact my landlord.” Y/N blushed, knowing full well that this would all be quite the hassle. To be quite honest, she would certainly miss living in her cute little apartment. “Would you mind if I um... I just came back and forth? In the beginning?” She asked curiously, knowing she’d need some time to accumulate. Niall said vampires do get a bit possessive, that they feel much deeper than they let on. It didn’t hurt to ask.

“No. I would like you here.” Harry didn’t like the idea of her not in his home. Especially because she didn’t recognize the danger. “It isn’t safe to do that. You’ll be covered in my scent and it is very important that you live in my home for the time you are feeding to me.” Also... part of him really panicked at the idea of anything happening to her. He feared that. So much. “Please... just, I don’t have the most demanding set of rules, but I do want to have you stay here. If you’re alone at home at night in the city, it can attract creatures who want to do harm. If you’re with me, there is no danger whatsoever.” He promised. Demons could sniff her out and get a rise out of hurting her, because Harry wasn’t well liked in the community. Shocker. “Let me have your landlord’s information. I’m sure that whatever he wants as an early pay off fee will be fine.” Harry had literal hundreds of years to accumulate his wealth. If he had gone to human standpoints, he would be on par with or surpass some of the wealthiest. But vampires had their own banks. So much the little human had to learn. “Starting date... as soon as possible. You can either be driven to work or I will provide a car for you.” He nodded. “I do not expect you to lose your social life nor job. You’re free to do as you please, as long as you aren’t alone at night for long periods of time. I would appreciate that.”

Her eyes widened, “Things will want to harm me? For being around you?” Y/N was aware of vampires, werewolves sure, but other things? Niall never really went into detail on that. “I guess, yeah... okay. I understand.” She let out a breath, deciding that he would get into it later. He’s been around for way longer, he likely knew best. Y/N pulled out her phone and reached into her bag for her strawberry notepad, writing down her address and information along with her landlord’s name and number. “That’s okay— I have a car.” She shrugged, the girl didn’t really need anything extra. “If you’d prefer, I don’t mind quitting... but if you’d like some alone time I understand.” Y/N handed him the piece of paper and put her things back in her tote, still toying with the fabric anxiously. “Thank you.” She felt like she did have to thank him for essentially giving her the life she desired. She’d get over the vampire thing eventually, or she’d just get used to it.

“It’s all to what you prefer.” Harry never wanted her to resent him. “I don’t want to make you feel trapped. If you wish to spend your days at home, you’re more than welcome to. I will take care of your expenses.” Lord, would he. He would take such good care of her. She could walk around and do whatever she wanted and he would smile happily, but he also was well aware that she may need some sort of escape herself. He didn’t want her to need it but he also understood that he could be a lot. He was going to do everything in his power to make sure that she was comfortable. “You’re welcome.” He cleared his throat and nodded at her. “Please find a way to send your bills to me so I can work on switching them to my name. Would you like me to show you where your room shall be?” He wasn’t sure he wanted to get very close because he would want to grab her and touch. Bite. Lick. She smelled.... so fucking good.

“Yeah I um... I can send them an email and have them call— here.” She handed him her phone, already open and prepared for him to put in his number. “If you could put in your address and email and stuff too that would be nice.” Y/N added shyly, taking the time to admire more of the library. It was very era specific, beautifully decorated and had lots of natural light. She liked that he had an office in such an open space but she figured he had another area in which he worked, somewhere more private that she wouldn’t be allowed to explore as freely. “But uh— yes, my room?” Y/N pulled herself out of her thoughts as he handed her phone back to her, standing up and straightening out her dress. The nerves never really left and at this point she wasn’t sure if it was because she found him attractive or if she was generally nervous, or if it was the whole vampire thing that was feeding into it.

Harry could smell her nerves. It made him feel badly because internally he wanted her to be at ease around him, but it made sense. Her mind most likely recognized he was indeed, an apex predator. He was in charge. But she seemed to like the library. He would take note of what books she read and buy more of the similar kind. This would be her home, too. He had chosen the most recently renovated room, unsure if the girl would like the older, more luxurious style he had the other rooms decorated in. It was more modern. Harry’s one bedroom looked like one for a king. She wouldn’t be seeing that though, he doubted she would seek him out. This room had softer colors but more of a modern twist.

“I hope this is to your liking.” He murmured, hands behind his back. “If it is not, we can change things. I’ll put in an inquiry for a card linked to my bank account... but as soon as it arrives, you may go and personalize your space as you see fit.” He wanted her to be happy here, to feel like she can stay here as long as she wanted. She had an energy to her that called to him. That had him wanting to brush her soft hair away from her face or caress the smooth skin of her neck. It was intense for him and while he knew he would be fond of whoever he chose— he hadn’t expected this.

“This is lovely…” Y/N wasn’t about to complain and tell him that she would have been completely fine with one of the older looking rooms. He didn’t know that about her, presumably because Niall didn’t go into much detail. “Can I request just one thing?” She asked, turning to look at him again, “Could you buy me some art supplies?”

—

It was... odd. Having a human living in his home. Hearing a strong heartbeat whenever she was home, smelling food cooking, and the sounds of her breathing at night. It was oddly comforting, knowing that he wasn’t starkly alone, that he had a little human to sit about. There were issues though. Personal issues. Y/N herself was perfection. So sweet and she didn’t get too nosy, didn’t ask for too much which did confuse him, and she was tidy— except for the shoes he almost took a tumble with in the main hall. He got a shoe organizer made from gold to stand there for her precious heels or sneakers— it depended on the day.

She had taken a few days to start warming up to the idea of living in the manor, spent a lot of time traveling into town, working, hanging out with her friends. Harry didn’t mind, he could tell the girl was happy and that gave him time to snoop. Y/N was an incredible artist. He had noticed her painting sitting on an easel by the window of her room, she was drawing the back garden it seemed and the style of her art was far too familiar to Harry. He swore he couldn’t have grown more fond of her. Y/N was always bringing joy into his home, he would pay an endless amount of money just to keep the manor in high spirits. Even when she was sitting and reading, everything felt so… alive.

No, there were really no complaints... except for the fact that Harry was terrified to feed off of her. Feeding meant closeness. Touching. Intimacy. And he wasn’t just shoving her off afterwards and handing her a wad of cash, or letting someone else handle it. They’d need to form a bond. Something strong but impersonal for Harry’s sake. He found himself fully watching her every time she passed, or through security cameras. Aching to join her and wanting to feel her presence. Lord knew he missed it when she left for the day to do whatever it is she wanted, but she wouldn’t be interested in him in more ways than this and he wouldn’t ever force someone into this life. Some people glamourize it, the media especially, and while it had its perks? He didn’t know if he would ever find love. After all the travel he could stomach and learning so many things his head felt full, he craved that more than anything. Normally humans, he avoided. Besides blood banks, or blood bars as to make it sound less scary for humans aware of their kind. The pleasure a bite gave could affect people differently but he had a clue that perhaps... she would be more of a softer response. So he stayed away as long as possible, before he really felt himself get weaker and knew he needed to do something.

Y/N being the sweet thing that she is, noticed these things. One would assume that living in a massive mansion meant never running into anyone, but it seemed like Harry was always lurking somewhere, but never quite there. She could feel his stare on her whenever she was painting in the garden, whenever she decided to read in the library. He was rather shit at hiding for an apex predator that’s for sure.

“Harry?” Her soft voice questioned as she felt his presence behind her, her back pressed against the willow tree. “Stay, please.” She asked and turned around to have a good look at him. They hadn’t really had a conversation since she arrived, she wanted to know what was going on with him. She was meant to be here for him after all. “Sorry, but is everything alright?” Y/N tilted her head, noticing that his skin had become quite dull. “I apologize if that question is too intrusive, I just... understand I’m meant to be here for feeding purposes— we haven’t done anything like that, I couldn’t help but think there was an issue.”

“I....” Harry’s throat felt dry with both thirst and embarrassment. He was hundreds and hundreds of years old. He had met millions of people and still, now, he was worried about her. There was just something about Y/N that had him panicking slightly, as well as aching to touch. So much.

“I apologize. I have been busy, but I wanted to wait until you acclimated to the home before I took you through something like a feeding.” He cleared his throat. “It isn’t necessarily a negative thing. In fact, I know it will feel very good. But it is a bit different with humans.” Some got incredibly horny. Some got a huge confidence boost. Some got emotional. And he wasn’t sure which Y/N would be, but he would bet it would be emotional. A human equivalent of a sub space. He wouldn’t dare leave her in a vulnerable space alone either so, he was worried about becoming emotionally attached. Already he was and everything he felt was multiplied by ten. “I was going to request that we do today, though. I apologize, but I am... very much getting to the point where I need it.” He cleared his dry throat again. It hurt so badly but he wouldn’t let on about how much pain it actually gave him.

“Goodness, you should have said something!” Y/N frowned, “I would have figured things out, you surely would be able to tend to any needs I have or Ida could—” She got up from her spot, placing the fabric bookmark between the pages before brushing off her skirt. “Well, go on then. Lead the way.” Y/N nodded towards the mansion, taking a few strides towards him. As they started making their way towards their home in silence Y/N kept peaking over at Harry, assuming that this was probably much too slow of a pace for him. “I appreciate your concern for me, don’t think I do not... I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m a lot tougher than you think.” She said as a matter of factly. Part of her didn’t believe he was all that busy but maybe he just didn’t want to be caught feeling soft for a human. She could understand, he probably thought of her as weak. Then again, she knew what the job entailed when she took it, figured a bite wouldn’t be too bad from how Niall had described it.

“I need to just... explain to you how this works.” Surely the first bite would be the most awkward and emotionally uncomfortable, right? He has to explain that she was going to be aroused and weak a bit for the next few hours and possibly want to cry or giggle at anything. He had made it towards the feeding room, gently placing his hand on her back and feeling warmth shoot up his wrist, so he snatched it away as soon as they got there. Closing the door for privacy, even though wasn’t technically necessary, felt right.

“Okay... take a seat.” He motioned, standing in front of her with his arms behind his back. “Well.. I just wanted to warn you. The bite itself won’t hurt too badly. In fact, it will feel... good. Humans often feel arousal from it but there are other side effects depending on the person.” He swallowed, the scent of her washing over him and warming his belly. Fucks sake, she smelled delicious. He was so hungry and touch starved it was ridiculous. “You may fall into a mental state for a bit... it’s like what humans call a submissive space. It could be... very emotional for you. You’ll need to be watched and I’m prepared to do so until you’re stable before I go back to my work.” He murmured. “I just needed to let you know. I am a good person, I think. I will not allow you to be neglected here and I will care for you if you do fall into that state. Is that alright with you?” He questioned. At her nod, he relaxed a little bit. “However, sexually, I will not touch you after a bite. It is not personal, but I see it similar as the effect of alcohol. Seeing as this isn’t a romantic relationship... I do not wish to blur those lines nor take advantage.”

Y/N wasn’t sure why that made her stomach twist a bit, it wasn’t like she was in it for the sexual aspect, but then again it was always nice to feel desired. He was just being respectful! She should be happy, relieved even that he was so aware of the potential issues that could come up if sex got involved.

“Okay.” She nodded, realizing she was sort of just staring at him for the past minute. He was mesmerizing, it was hard not to stare at someone like him especially when she barely got the opportunity to. “That’s fine, yeah, I um... hopefully I’m not too much of a bother. That would be embarrassing.” She chuckled, shaking her head. Of course it would be! Y/N knew herself, how she could be when she really let herself go. She was soft and sensitive and sweet, it wouldn’t surprise her if she let her guard down whilst in the loopy state post bite. If it felt as good as Niall suggested and Harry warned, she was afraid she might say something a bit too personal. Would Harry be okay with that? “But um... I think I’m as ready as I’ll never be so, is this um... a good spot?” She asked, shifting a little in her seat.

“Erm... I hope this isn’t a problem but, the best position for this is more so with you on my lap.” He sat himself down properly and shifted slightly. He was wearing his normal suit but she was clad in her soft dress and he knew it wouldn't do much to hide her body heat from him and he loved that. Too much. “Only for comforts sake, of course.” He assured her, swallowing thickly as he nodded his head placing his hands at his side so she could stretch and get properly sat on him. As soon as she did, he felt the overwhelming urge to bite but still held back. His eyes were surely dark red around the iris but he was controlling himself well, gently lifting his hand to brush the hair from her skin. Soft, smooth skin that made his gums ache, teeth fighting to come out. “If you feel uncomfortable at any point, please tell me to stop. I will feed for about a minute, I will be slow with it.” He promised, leaning in and breathing over her neck as he found the spout he wanted. The scent of her sweet blood and the pounding of her heart sent him into a heated drive, kissing over the spot as a warning.

Y/N’s heart started beating extremely quick the second he asked her to sit in his lap. It was for comfort, yes, but she sort of forgot that he’d be in extremely close proximity to her neck for it to even happen. Reminding herself that this was what was meant to happen didn’t really help either, but what could really prepare her for a bite from a vampire? Before she had a chance to think for too long his plush lips had already pressed against the delicate skin of her neck. Goosebumps began to form over her body, her own mouth parting with a gentle puff of air from the feeling. All she could really do was nod in response, feeling herself stir even when he hadn’t yet broken skin. It had been a while since she had been this close to anyone and though it wasn’t how she pictured her next encounter, she allowed her eyes to close so she could get lost in the moment of bliss. It was the intimacy she missed, the gentle caresses and of course, the soft kisses.

It was a stark contrast from the bite. It stung at first, Harry knew it did. Claiming one spot in particular would help prevent that from happening too often. But as soon as the blood hit his tongue, he melted. It tasted so good. Like chocolate and caramel in the equivalence to human food, a little growl came from his throat as his large hands gripped her waist and took a fistful of hair, making sure she was still. She let out the prettiest sound and it was then that Harry truly regretted being a good person, a gentleman. Because it brought his dead libido back to life. The taste, her smell, the new arousal that had been mixing with the scent of her blood... he was pissed he had said anything at all. It flowed down his throat and immediately he could feel his strength boost, his senses sharpen and oh— oh, yes. She was aroused, probably wet and her hands were in his hair. She liked being bitten. It only clicked in his head once he pulled away and licked over the spot to ease it bleeding that he had drank a tiny bit too much. She was floaty, and the little giggle and eyes crossing a bit before focusing on him clues him in.

“Oh, dear.... Y/N?” He gently spoke, waiting for her reaction. “Can you drink some juice for me, pet? I took a little too much from you. I’m so sorry.”

“Juice? No juice.” Y/N mumbled, a finger pressing over his lips as he tried to speak again. “Shh—“ She hushed him, allowing herself to lean forward so she could fully hug him. Using her nose, she pushed aside the collar of his shirt and pressed it right against his skin. He was nice and cool, a perfect contrast to the intense heat she felt in her face and body in general. Euphoria was too dull of a word to describe the sensations her body was experiencing. That floaty feeling only heightened, tingles and bursts of pleasure and endorphins found their way to all the crevasses of her body. She let out a happy breath, humming at how comfortable and relaxed she was. “Do it again.” She mumbled against his skin, fingers tracing shapes on his chest with the hand that wasn’t in his hair. Y/N remembered what he said, even in this state, remembered how he said he wouldn’t cross any boundaries and that feeling of disappointment still lingered. Instead she would ask for things she knew he would give her, in her floaty brain that meant more bites.

“Pet... I can not. It would harm you.”

“No, it wouldn’t!” Y/N’s tone was child like, another little huff coming from her lips as she tried to figure out how to convince him. It was a shame her brain wasn’t working the way it normally did, she would have figured it out then. “Please?” Another huff, “a little one? Little nibble?” She mumbled quietly as if she already knew the answer would be no.

Realistically, she could be fine. But he was spinning from both the rush of blood and the fact he was getting... a hug. Harry hasn’t had a solid embrace in decades. A real one. And a woman’s touch.... hadn’t ever felt like this. Y/N was unbelievably warm and soft, his skin felt like it was buzzing from her face buried in his neck. Each pass of her fingertip on his cool chest had him weak in the knees, thankfully not standing. It made him nervous because this surely wasn’t.... normal. No. He never felt the urge to hold a feeder nor did he ever physically react to anything but the blood. But his body was fluctuating in temperature and her touches were setting him ablaze. Like sparks every time she moved skin against his own.

“Pet... you must drink for me, yes? It is vital. You will be sleepy in a little while and I wish for you to have some food in your stomach and juice to replenish some sugar.” He gently allowed himself to pet her hair, sliding his fingers down her back, tenderly. Giving in to his innermost wants. Just a tiny bit.

It was frustrating to say the least. Yes, she was in a state of relaxation and euphoria, but that one last itch wasn’t going away. If Y/N was still in her senses she’d realized that that little itch was just her sexual frustration dying to too be free. She was lucky her floaty brain thought a bite would help.

“It didn’t get all of them...” Y/N mumbled, referring to all itches. The tense muscles went away, the anxiety went away, her bones moved back into place... all but the itch that simply couldn’t be scratched. The petting was nice, but it certainly wasn’t helping. “Please? again...” another quiet whine. “I’ll drink juice, just—”

“Shhhh.” He murmured, gently rubbing her back. “Drink juice and take a nap. If you do that, I will.” Once she had a drink and a nap the itching would go away, to be fair. She wouldn’t ask for another bite but seeing as he wasn’t doing too terribly so far in caring for her, maybe feeding once or twice a week instead of bi or tri weekly could be a thing. He knew other vampires would nibble every day if they could, but Harry wasn’t going to take advantage of her. She was so new to this. Barely knew what she wanted in the world. Was so young compared to him and yet, he felt at home holding her. He had missed holding someone. But her... holding her was the easiest, nicest feeling he could have imagined. His hand splayed on her back as he held her to him, grabbing the juice and gently bringing the straw to her mouth.

“That’s it. Good girl.” He murmured as she slowly gulped down the juice. Taking a chocolate chip cookie, he brought it to her mouth and tenderly fed it to her before wiping away her crumbs and giving her some more juice. Eyes already falling heavy, he felt her burrow back into his neck. He could feel overwhelming emotion hit him. A happiness and sadness contradicting him as tears glassed over his eyes. It felt perfect to hold her. Her scent and her taste, her body fitting like a puzzle piece against his. She was perfect and he couldn’t have her. “Why don’t you try and nap for me, love?”

“Stay like this?” Y/N asked hopefully, not wanting to move from her comfortable place in his neck and on top of him. This whole process was a lot more exhausting than Y/N had originally thought, but then again, losing lots of blood probably did that to people regardless of the magical qualities Harry possessed. While he was feeding her, she could barely register what was happening, she was just opening and closing her mouth and watching him so closely. His eyes were all bright and green again, his skin looked so much more alive. His hair all shiny and silky. It was her favorite part about him, his long hair. Even as she closed her eyes to try and fall asleep, her fingers still toyed with strands of his hair. Y/N didn’t want to let go of him, not when he was so comfortable and so nice. She forgot the last time she felt so safe and calm, completely unbothered and not worried.

----

Harry stayed a lot longer than he should have. Holding her, feeling her breath on his skin. Even placing one tiny kiss to the side of her head, he felt a bit of his heart lighten up at the action. This was.... perfect. Holding Y/N was exactly what he needed. He knew that much. But the feeling her muzzle against him and mutter sleepily, her whine and whimper when he let her go on the bed had almost broken his heart. He wished he could stay with her but it would hurt. The more time he spent, the more of a bond that could form and he was scared about it. Because, on her end it may be some emotional things but for him? He felt it ten times as much. And she was just starting out. He didn’t want to scare her off and be all alone again. There was something so special about her. As he laid in his own bedroom and stared at the moon, he asked for a sign that she was meant to be his. More than what he could confuse with hunger or lust. A true and honest sign from the universe, if he should open his mind to her.

Y/N woke up a few hours later to a dark room and Harry missing from beside her. Sure it all felt like a dream, but she was positive it wasn’t. There was still a small strain in her neck, she was still wearing the same dress, and not to mention the juice box still sat half finished on the bedside table. She didn’t know what she was expecting, didn’t know why she assumed he’d be there when she woke up, but the moonlight seeping through the window didn’t make her feel better like it usually did. Y/N figured that she shouldn’t be upset since he held up his part of the bargain, he took care of her when she felt floaty, but part of her began to wish she hadn’t fallen asleep when he asked. It was quite clear that the bite had taken a toll on her as he’d expressed in his preface, told her she might feel bonded, and that she did. She didn’t have an excuse to go get him this time, couldn’t think of anything that would justify her crawling into his bed. If he wanted to sleep next to her he would have stayed.

He didn’t want anything more. So why did it feel like more?

-----------------------------------------------

[part 2]

A/N: 🥺🥺 we love them so much, we’re really excited about them! we’ve got stuff planned but feel free to send any ideas you have! - n + d

let us know what you think!

masterlist

#writing #Harry Styles #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles fanfic #vampire harry #vampire!harry #harry writing #jarofstyles #harry styles writing #harry styles one shot #harry styles au #harry styles smut

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