#now im gonna go cry for eight years

[grrlsoft]

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚ love like blood : eddie munson

summary : when your best friend Eddie doesn't show up to drive you home from school, you assume that he's just gone to impromptu Hellfire Club meeting. but little do you know, his reasons for being late are much, much worse.

pairing : Eddie Munson x gn!reader

author's note : eddie angst. thats the tweet. also this is when eddie and reader r just friends but are crushing on each other lolz so no established relationship yet (pls eddie deserves someone who will care for him sobs)

song inspo is love like blood by killing joke !!

warnings : angst with a fluffy ending, mentions of injuries and blood, bullying

you take a long, deep breath, inhaling the smell of damp leaves and overgrown grass. it's fall in Hawkins, one of your favorite seasons, but winter is soon on the rise. large, looming clouds fill the gray sky and block out the sun, giving everything a cold, hazy hue. you shiver as the wind blows through your sweater (although you had made sure to wear multiple layers, the wind persisted), and you check your watch. 

it’s 3:47 pm and Eddie is late to meet up with you outside of Hawkins High, something that he does every day. it's sort of become a ritual for the two of you, something you never break unless one of you has pre-established plans.

you don't mind the delay much, as he is usually busy talking with his friends after school hours or perhaps getting a talking to by a teacher, but him being this late is rather unusual, especially since the two of you had made plans to hang out. you rock back and forth on your feet as you clutch your textbooks in your arms. it's a nervous habit. 

the inside of your nose starts to burn by how frigid the air is becoming so you nuzzle your chin into the collar of your sweater. the janitor passes you and your worry increases. 

maybe he's at a Hellfire Club meeting, you think to yourself, one that he didn't tell you about. that would be unlikely, since Eddie can't help but tell you every single thing that he does, but it's not like you're required to know what he's doing at what time. he's not obligated to constantly update you (even though you sort of like it when he does).

as well as being worried about his absence, him being missing leaves you without a ride home from school. the two of you were planning to go to the record store after school today too, but if he wasn't gonna show…

you walk home after a few more minutes of waiting. you don't want to catch a cold just because Eddie had a different obligation that you didn't know about. maybe he was in detention.

but something about it didn't seem right. it seemed unusual for him. 

you shouldn't worry about it, you tell yourself. he can handle himself. he's a big boy.

the walk home is boring and long but you enjoy looking at the red and yellow leaves that blow off the tall trees. you think about halloween and what costume you'd like to wear (as well as wondering if Eddie would want to dress up with you too). the fall air always brings thoughts of costumes and candy to your mind.

once you finally reach your house, you take refuge in comfier clothes and make yourself some popcorn as an after school snack. you turn on the TV and find that there's nothing playing that interests you at the moment, so you instead pad up to your room and put on a record. you sink into bed, already feeling sleep beginning to overtake you. you have completely forgotten about the math assignment you need to do, but that is the farthest thing from your mind. 

you snuggle up in your white bedsheets and the sound of your record seems farther and farther away until a loud series of knocks disturbs your almost peaceful rest. you blink your bleary, distantly sleepy eyes open and tumble out of bed, heading downstairs. 

the knocking gets louder and sort of frantic and you shout a quick just a second! and open the door. 

you rub your eyes as the fading light of day blinds you momentarily. you then look at who's standing on your doorstep. 

"Eddie?" you say, unable to mask your horror. 

he's half leaning on your doorframe, a bloodied hand resting on the trimmed, white wood. his lip is split and his nose is smeared with blood, his face pale and ashen. his right eye is hidden by a grisly, purple splotch, soon turning a whole myriad of other colors. it reminds you of a watercolor project you helped him do for art class. 

his brown eyes look at you sadly, blankly. your mouth is wide open.

you don't say anything. he doesn't say anything either. 

"jesus christ, Eddie, I-" you search for words to say to him, but your mind is still trying to make sense of the situation. all you can manage to do is take his arm carefully and usher him inside. 

"here, come in," you say as steadily as you possibly can. he follows you slowly, and you're worried that he's limping.

his eyes are trained on the carpeted floor and you close the door behind you. he stands in your front walkway and is still quiet. you open and close your mouth, stammering. 

"Eddie," you finally say his name with all the gentleness in the world, "Eddie, what happened?" 

you touch his arm delicately and frown disheartedly when he flinches.

he continues to be eerily silent, but his eyes keep moving from the floor to your face apprehensively. he blinks a few times and shakes his head. 

"just some stupid basketball assholes, that's all," he finally responds, and it's like a breath of fresh air to hear his voice, no matter how hoarse it is. you furrow your brows. 

"they… did this to you?" you ask, and he nods. you clench your fists and feel your stomach churn with anger. all that time you had been waiting for him, he had been getting beaten up. your eyes burn.

"..why?" you manage, and Eddie gives you an almost unnoticeable shrug. 

"doesn't matter," he replies. you sigh, knowing how untrue his statement was. but you don't want to pry, as it would probably make him upset. 

"uh, here, let me go get you an ice pack or something," you say suddenly as you scamper off to the kitchen, opening the door of your freezer frantically. Eddie watches how desperate you are to help him and it gives him a funny feeling in his stomach.

you find one, icy and blue, and you hand it to him. he takes it in his bruised hand yet doesn't move. 

"how about- how about you go up to my room while I look for some medicine or something for you," you muster a smile. you watch nervously as he nods, then makes the trek up the stairs to your room. 

you hurriedly inspect your cabinets for some medicine, opening and closing doors haphazardly, not caring if the contents inside fall over. you finally return to your bedroom with a little white bottle of tylenol, a glass of water, and your mother's first aid kit that you have never used. you're no nurse, but you want to make sure that Eddie is alright. it's the only thing that matters to you.

the sight of him slumped on the edge of your bed makes your heart break, and you carefully sit down next to him. he doesn't meet your gaze, his hands gripping the ice pack you had given him so tightly that you think it might break. his knuckles are stained with crimson blood. 

"hi," you greet him, pressing your arm against his own. his fingers brush against your leg. "I got you water and some meds."

he takes the glass of water, putting the white pills on his tongue and he downs it in no time. he gives the glass back to you and you set it on your bedside table. 

the room is quiet save for the sound of the chilly wind blowing from your open window. your heart is beating out of your chest. you put your hand on top of Eddie's own and you can feel him shaking. he stills for a moment, your touch comforting and warm.

you don't say anything but you look over at the brown haired boy. you brush your thumb against the inside of his hand and he suddenly turns his gaze to you, his eyes unsure and almost fearful. 

"sorry that I-" his voice cracks, a sound so incredibly foreign coming from him, "I didn't mean to-" 

a few tears slip down his pale cheeks and he hiccups. he turns away from you. 

"god, this is so fucking stupid." he manages, brown eyes watery. he sniffles. 

your eyes go wide, surprised by his sudden, tearful state. 

for the first time in the entirety of your friendship with Eddie Munson, you were seeing him cry. and it startles you. 

you snap yourself out of your momentary shock as Eddie covers his face with a bruised hand, his sniffles growing more frequent. you stammer and move closer to him. 

"oh Eddie, Eddie it's alright," you console the distraught boy as you rest your hand on his forearm. "it's okay, you don't have to cry." 

a gasp leaves your throat involuntarily when Eddie wraps his arms around your waist and buries his head in the crook of your neck. he pulls you into him, your chest now flush with his own. you can feel the wetness of his tears staining your skin as well as his bloodied hands clutching the fabric of your shirt. he sobs loudly and you reach a loving hand up to rub his back. you rest your head on his own and listen to him cry, his body shaking.

it feels strange to see him like this - so small and vulnerable. Eddie was all talk, all swift turns on the heel and side eyes with mischievous smirks. but this was so much different.

it makes him seem a little more human, you think to yourself. it makes you understand him better.

you run your hands through his hair and trace your fingers along his spine as he sobs into you. you're quiet, not daring to speak in fear somehow saying the wrong thing, and also because you don't think that's what he needs. sometimes people don't want to be talked to; they just want to be held.

and you do this with proficiency. you are careful with him like he's a delicate little thing made of porcelain or glass. eventually his crying softens and his sniffles decrease in number. he sits in your arms silently for a long while and you let him. you would wait like this for hours if that's what he wanted. you think that the two of you should do this more often, hopefully under nicer circumstances.

you blink when he pulls away from you, but he keeps his face close to your own. he drags his knuckles across his face, wiping the wetness from his cheeks. the blood of his hands mixes with his tears.

"I'm sorry," he mumbles almost shamefully. you rest your hands on his knees. 

"don't apologize," you reassure him kindly, "you don't need to." 

Eddie looks at you with wide eyes and laces his fingers with your own. 

"thank you for being so-" he searches for the right words to say, "so good to me. so nice and everything." 

you smile at him and your eyes are filled with adoration. you have a million things you wish to say but now is not the time. you squeeze his hand while also making sure not to squeeze too hard.

"thank you for coming to me," you reply, "for trusting me." 

Eddie smiles a sad smile in return and you apprehensively raise your hand to his face, but you pause before your palm meets his cheek. 

"can I..?" you murmur and Eddie nods at you with a sort of dreamy, unreadable expression.

"please," he whispers and you almost melt. your soft hand grazes the battered skin of his face as you inspect his bruises. 

"god," you whisper, frustration and anger lacing your tone, "can't believe those assholes can get away with doing things like this to people." 

Eddie shrugs and doesn't look at you, he's far too nervous to. "that's what happens when you're rich, I guess." 

"I know, but," you sigh, not knowing how to fully articulate all the annoyance and sadness you have within your chest, "it's just so unfair."

you suddenly withdraw your hand when you accidentally touch the bruised area around Eddie's eye, causing him to flinch, but he grabs your wrist before you can fully pull away.

"no-" he begins, his eyes looking deep into yours before he swallows thickly with nervousness, "don't. it feels- feels nice." 

you blink owlishly at him but you respect his wishes, bestowing your touch to its rightful place. you chuckle as Eddie sighs into your palm, closing his eyes. his skin feels warm where your fingers graze it.

"I still have to clean you up," you murmur as you gaze at his bloodied lips and nose. you wipe away some of the blood from his lip. he chases your touch with what you almost think to be a kiss, but maybe you're seeing things. Eddie's eyes open and he looks softly at you. 

"well, you better get to it, then," he smiles, a smile that makes your heart skip a beat. "unless you wanna sit here and touch my face for forever." 

you laugh and he laughs too, the two of you slipping back into the easiness of your friendship. the tension has begun to fade away. 

"you were the one who wanted it so bad," you tilt your head and grin. he raises a brow at you. 

"you were the one who brought that whole first aid kit up here and still haven't opened it," he says pointedly, "are you gonna let me bleed out, or what?" 

you laugh and the noise is angelic. you reach for the white box and Eddie gazes at you all the while. he wants to touch you again, or rather for you to touch him - to rest his head on your shoulder and have you thread your fingers through his hair, but he's far too nervous to do so or even ask. 

so he doesn't do anything at all. he just sits and stares at you while you grab your first aid kit, not really listening as you talk about how you've never bandaged anyone up like this besides yourself. the light of your lamp casts a warm glow on the delicate features of your face. he wonders what your lips would feel like against his own bruised ones.

a part of him wishes he'd get injured more often, just so you'd be there to fix him.

#literally have had this idea forever and i finally wrote it #now im gonna go cry for eight years #eddie munson #eddie munson stranger things #eddie munson x reader #eddie munson x you #stranger things x reader #stranger things 4 #katherine's fics ∘˚˳° ♡ #stranger things

[iqmmir]

Hi im back . For some time

#.mimiming ❜ #um . hi im gonna slee soon but i missed you all so much #umm first of all im trying to ccut down in screentime because my therapist told me to #second. after two or three months of convincing myself that i literally do not care im only going to school for just a few more days (onl #y today and wednesday) i literally do not care #i almost keep crying . because well um #idk. i was originally planning on cutting off contact with everyone #because of stuff thats happened before #but my friends. my current friends dont just treat me as a therapist or something so #also one of my wives would probably hunt me down and kill me if i tried to cut off contact #but ill still miss this stupid class and this stupid school and all the stupid teachers and students #and the horrible tasting canteen food #and the playground ive played in eight times total despite being here for 12 years #idk man #also because of my periods my mood swings were so much worse #and i just ..idk i needed a break ig #anyways im back for sometime then ill start looking for a job #me friend said maybe we can do something together #idk #you can always send me asks and dms tho 👍👍 #im not really sure . like about anything right now #ill try to get the drawing requests done soon maybe #wild how time passes huh #god i need to stop acting like such a grownup im literally three years old

[love-has-a-way-ofgrowingbackward]

i miss back when i was active here and had actual friends who cared for me who i talked regularly to and i was doing well

#now its just studying ten hours for six days a week #eight hours on the seventh day #reserving two for my weekly breakdown #like. #no friends no social media no contact with the outside world except coaching teachers and my stuffed toy #just study eat cry repeat #realised i didnt feel triggered from firecrackers like i normally did and felt kinda good about that for a second #before i realised that its not because i overcame my triggers suddenly its because im dissociating too much to actually feel something #and am actually worse than when i was like thirteen #constantly just *feel* my heart pumping #its not concerningly fast its normal but i cant ignore it #i feel the pressure always like something heavy in my chest #my joints cant take writing more than like four pages and i write six anyways #i cant handle even losing marks at a practice unit test #everyone in my batch has studied this topic months ago and i havent even started and i have to take it without any knowledge with these ppl #god i havent had positive physical contact in four years #i cant even motherfucking cry because there's been relatives in my house for months so the house is never empty #and i cant show emotions or react to triggers infront of them #like GOD if you're gonna make me suffer atleast let me cry it out every once in a while #when will i go to college and live alone #i have fibromyalgia or arthritis or just side effects of mental illness but its SOMETHING and its fucking hurting my joints. so fucking much

[michelleleewise]

For the Angst Loki fic you could do it however you like 💞😘

Ok, I'm so glad you said that, cause I have ideas....😈 soooooo hold on to your tissues, this is gonna be painful....*whispers* sorry.....

Based on this prompt......

====================================

Forget Me Not..

Pairing: Loki x reader

Warnings: memory loss, battle sequences, minor mention of blood (not graphic) mentions of injury, smut if you squint, literally all the angst, depression, crying, anger, no happy ending to be found.

Summary: You and Loki have been dating for almost a year when an accident leads to him to losing some of his memory. What happens when the love of your life doesn't know you....

You had been with Loki for awhile now, in fact your were coming up on your one year anniversary, and you were never happier. When he first came to live at the tower he was harsh, even rude at times, but you slowly broke his defenses with your smile and happy attitude. He adored everything about you, and you knew you had found your soul mate.

"Darling, how would you feel about moving in together?" He asked holding your hand, cuddled on the couch. "Loki, I would love nothing more." You smiled as he leaned over gently kissing you. "I hope to one day be worthy enough to make you my wife." He smiled as you cupped his cheek "You have always been worthy Loki." You smiled back.

You both heard the alarm sound, knowing there was an attack somewhere, you geared up and headed to the briefing room. After listening to Steve go over everything in immense detail, you all loaded into the quinjet, ready to take on whatever was thrown at you.

"OK, I wasnt ready for this!" You yelled, coming face to face with what looked like an eight foot dog animal of some sort. Some of hydra's experiments Steve had said. You flipped the daggers in your hands and went on the attack, cutting down as many as you could, looking over seeing Loki taking on two at a time. You started making your way to him when you heard Thor "y/n, watch out." He yelled as mjolnir whizzed past your head, taking out another experiment. You saw Loki running towards you as you watched the hammer curve, making its way back to Thor.

"LOKI, STOP!" You yelled, but it was too late as you watched the hammer strike him before landing in Thor's hand. You sprinted as hard as you could, diving to kneel next to Loki, who was unconscious and bleeding pretty bad. "Thor, what do we do?" You asked looking at him. "I am not sure, this has never happened before." He shifted nervously. You checked for a pulse, breathing when you found it. "Steve, we need med evac now!" You yelled into the comms. You helped load Loki onto the jet, as the rest of the team took care of the experiments.

Loki was still unconscious when you made it back to the tower. Bruce ran scans on him as you waited with Thor. "He has multiple skull fractures but those are healing. I'm not sure what damage may have been done to his brain though. We'll have to wait and see." He sighed. "I am sorry y/n, I should have been more careful." You heard Thor say. "It was an accident, it's fine." You sighed, going to sit in the other room with Loki.

It had been three days and still no sign of him waking. "Y/n, you need rest." Thor said walking in. "No, I'm fine. He's gonna wake up anytime." You said rubbing his hand. You sat in silence together, waiting, when you heard a groan. "Loki, your awake." You breathed standing up looking at him. "Mm yes, it appears so." He said holding his head. "Where am i?" He asked slowly opening his eyes. "Your in the med bay" You smiled. "And who are you, a nurse?" He asked looking at you. "Im...I'm y/n, you know me." You smiled rubbing his hand. "I'm afraid I don't, is there a doctor?" He asked looking around. Your heart dropped as he didn't recognize you. "Thor, what are you doing here?" He asked looking over. "I was sitting with y/n, to make sure you recovered, don't you recognize her?" Thor asked. Loki turned, looking you straight in the eye "no, I don't." He said as you dropped his hand stepping back. "I...I'll get Bruce." You whispered leaving the room.

After a long winded explanation, you discovered that the impact of the hammer caused Loki to lose some of his memory. You looked down nodding as Thor patted your shoulder "he'll remember you." He said. "We don't know that, it may be permanent." Bruce said. "I better get my things out of his room before we move him." You sighed standing up. "I thought you lived together?" Thor asked. "We were going to, but now...it would be weird for me to be there when he doesn't know who I am." you said as you walked down the hall. You grabbed your things from Loki's room, looking around as a tear ran down your cheek. "I love you Loki." You sighed leaving.

A couple months had gone by, Loki had improved but his memory still hadn't returned. You had grown closer, but it wasn't the same. He treated you as a friend, a team mate, nothing more. You were sat in the common room of the tower, curled on one side of the couch reading, Loki on the other side when Steve came in. "Hey y/n, Loki this is Melissa, she's joining the team today so im giving her the tour." You looked up, seeing her smiling at Loki with heart eyes. You felt a pang of jealousy shoot through you when you looked over seeing Loki looking at her the same way. He got up, kissing the back of her hand "if you need any assistance, I'm at your service my lady." He smiled at her. You felt your heart crack.

Over the next few months they got closer. You would walk in the kitchen as they stood together smiling, they would pair up in training, they were always partners on missions. One night you couldn't sleep, so you made your way into the kitchen to make yourself some tea when you saw them. His mouth on hers, his hands roaming her body as she moaned his name. You wanted to run but you were frozen as your heart shattered and your eyes burned. You watched him lift her onto the counter, the same counter he had taken you on several times. as he laid her back, lifting her legs up, you covered your mouth running to your room. As you closed it you sank to the floor, sobs racking your body. That was supposed to be you, he was supposed to be your happy ever after, and now he was hers.

You had locked yourself away in your room for days, unable to eat you just sat and cried. He wanted to live with you, marry you. All of your dreams crashed down in front of your eyes that day. You had lost the will to do anything other then exist. Your heart broken and bleeding as you cried until you fell asleep. You heard a knock on the door, but remained silent. "Y/n, are you awake?" You heard Thor, still not responding as he came in sitting next to you. "How are you doing?" He asked, as you remained silent. He cleared his throat "y/n, I am truly sorry." He said "this is my doing and i..." he started "just go Thor." You said staring at the wall. "I will speak with him, he has to remember you, he love..." you cut him off again "no, he loves her, I'm nothing." You said still not looking at him. "Y/n, please, let me just.." he said "just go. Please." You got up going to the bathroom, locking it sitting on the tub as you heard your door open and close.

You remained on autopilot for months. Barely eating, hardly sleeping. You spent your free time in your room, alone. You went out of your way to avoid Loki, you couldn't look at him without feeling as though your heart was being ripped out. Another sleepless night found you wandering the halls towards the kitchen. You peaked to make sure no one was there before making your way in. You made a sandwich as you heard someone behind you "haven't seen you for awhile y/n, where have you been?" You heard Loki behind you freezing.

"Oh, you know. How are things with you and Melissa?" You asked, not wanting the answer. "Oh great actually. She's an incredible woman. She's actually moving into my room tonight, I came down to make her something to eat." He said. "S....she's moving in with you?" You asked looking at him as he smiled. "Yes, amazing isnt it? I don't think I've loved anyone more." He smiled. You felt your head spin watching him. Feeling like you were going to pass out and throw up at the same time. "Y/n, are you well? You look like your about to faint." He said. "I have to go." You said pushing past him towards your room. "Y/n, wait. " You heard, ignoring him you went to your room locking the door.

You grabbed your backpack, shoving as many clothes in as you could. You changed out of your pajamas, slipping your shoes on and grabbing your coat. Laying everything out on the bed, you went to your desk, grabbing a pen and paper you decided to write Loki a letter. You sobbed as you wrote, pouring everything into it you placed it in an envelope, setting it on your desk. You walked to the nightstand, picking up the framed picture you and Loki had taken, you smiling at the camera as he kissed your cheek. You covered your mouth as a sob escaped, you would never have that again.

You slipped the frame in your bag, throwing it over your shoulder as you unlocked your door, looking both ways down the hall as you snuck out. Making it to the kitchen you saw Loki had left, letting out a sigh you made a run for the door "y/n, where are you going?" You heard Thor behind you making you freeze. "I'm leaving. I can't be here anymore. I can't....I can't watch another woman take my forever from me." You said as tears streamed down your cheeks. "Y/n please, don't leave. He will remember, I know he will." He said "No! He won't!" You yelled turning around. "If we was going to he would have by now and he hasn't! He was my everything Thor and hes gone, I have nothing anymore!" You yelled hand still on the door.

"I just hope she loves him the way he deserves." You sighed wiping your face. "Y/n, please." He said stepping closer "goodbye Thor. Tell everyone I'm sorry, but.....I can't anymore." You sighed opening the door leaving, not looking back. Thor stared at the door, wanting to run after you and drag you back. "Brother, what was that about?" He heard Loki behind him, turning to see him in the doorway. "Nothing, it doesn't matter." Thor said walking to the hall as Loki stopped him "what was she talking about?" He asked as Thor looked up at him "she lost something she loves, and it broke her." Thor sighed looking down. "What did she lose?" Loki asked confused. Thor looked up into Loki's eyes "her heart brother, she lost her heart." Thor said, walking to his room.

💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚

@vbecker10 @lokiprompts @lokisninerealms @lulubelle814

#loki #loki fanfiction #loki fanfic #loki imagine #loki oneshot #loki angst #loki x y/n #loki x you #loki x female reader #loki odinson x you #loki odinson imagine #loki odinson fanfiction #loki odinson x reader #loki odinson x y/n #loki odinson #loki odinson angst #loki odinson oneshot #loki laufeyson imagine #loki laufeyson fanfic #loki laufeyson one shot #loki laufeyson x female reader #loki laufeyson x y/n #loki laufeyson x reader #loki laufeyson #loki laufeyson x you #anon aks #anon request #loki request #loki laufeyson angst #loki mcu

[riality-check]

*bites and shakes the bars of my enclosure* APPALACHIAN EDDIE!!!!! I LOVE HIM SO MUCH ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING YOU GOT INJECT IT STRAIGHT INTO MY VEINS IM SO PBSESSED

Thank you so much!! I'm currently trudging my way through chapter 2 of Born to Run, but before that's done, here's some stuff I wrote up from a while ago related to the Munson Lore post.

Basically, if you're interested in Wayne feels, keep scrolling!

Wayne enlists the second he turns eighteen, the last months of high school be damned. It was his plan all along, the only way to get the hell out West Virginia or at least the holler. The war in Korea breaks out around that time, but he still enlists.

If he's gonna die, it ain't gonna be in a mine. He's seen what happens to men down there, sees them come home with coal-stained faces and crooked backs, watches them drown themselves in bottles.

That last one might just have been his pa, though.

Wayne feels bad leaving his mama, but especially his brother. He's only six, and he's already a little too wild for their mama to watch on her own. Over the course of Johnny's short life, Wayne has spent a lot of time makin' sure he stays outta trouble. He's a rambunctious, bright kid. Wayne doesn't know what he'll get into while he's gone.

But it makes him feel better that their old man's been in the ground a year now. It's one less thing for Wayne to worry about, for Johnny's sake.

Wayne goes to Korea, and he doesn't come back the same. He doesn't come back right, and until he can, he decides not to. Christmas cards and a visit once every few months will have to do because Wayne can't do anything more than that right now. He just can't.

It wouldn't be fair for Mama to have to take care of him, now that he's grown. It wouldn't be fair for Johnny to see his brother shaking and crying because of bad dreams, something he's surely grown out of by now.

So, he takes jobs driving trucks all over the country. The hours are long and it don't pay much, but if he's got music on, he doesn't have to think. He gets a pretty good collection of hats going, too. One from every state he's been to. He wants to go to Hawai'i to complete the collection.

It takes ten years for Wayne to piece himself back together. He ain't the same, but he's enough of a person by the time he's twenty-eight that he thinks he can go back for good.

So, he does. He drives back up to West Virginia and sees his mama and doesn't see his brother, who's sixteen now. When he asks Mama where he went, she shrugged and said, "Out."

Wayne does see his wife. Or, well, they're not married yet. They decided to wait until she has the baby so she can fit in her mama's wedding dress.

Rebecca is sweet and pretty and a high school dropout, just like Wayne, just like his brother is, now, apparently. She and Wayne talk for hours, and he really likes her. She's funny and grounded in a way that his brother definitely needs.

They talk until his brother comes back, stumbling in, face bloody. Johnny - no, John - smiles when he sees Wayne, and things are okay for a little while. They all stay at Mama's house. Wayne picks up some odd handyman jobs, Rebecca works as a cashier at the grocery store a mile down the road, and John-

Well, Wayne doesn't know what John is doing. All he knows is that he works odd hours and seems to be gettin' skinnier, but he's putting supper on the table, so things are okay. They're okay.

They're okay until The Fight to End All Fights.

They're okay until he and his brother are screaming, and throwing things, but they didn't hit each other. John swung once, exactly once, and Wayne stepped out of the way. He doesn't swing back, not like Pa would have.

Wayne leaves. His brother does, too. Wayne doesn't see him for years, but his wife calls and sends pictures of their little family.

Wayne isn't sure how she keeps getting his number, even after he's moved a few times. But Rebecca calls at least twice a year, some years more than others. Sometimes, it's a whispered rush of words; others, it's a nice, long, chat, even if her words sound slurred together.

She sends Wayne cards for his birthday and Christmas. She includes pictures of herself and Johnny. Wayne tries not to look at those too hard, not when it's clear that both of them are getting worse.

He does look at the pictures of their kid, though. "Eddie" is the name Becca writes on all the pictures. He's a skinny kid with eyes like John and hair like Rebecca. He's a smiley kid, too, and he always seems to be holding a book.

Wayne wishes he could meet him. But even if The Fight didn't happen, that's just not possible.

Rebecca never gives him a return address.

#hello hi it's me once again procrastinating #i hate it here #anyways this was a lot of fun to dig up and edit #time for real tags #asked and answered #inikokoru #ria writes #appalachian eddie munson #appalachian wayne munson #wayne munson #eddie munson's dad #eddie munson's mother #family feels #backstory #angst #tw addiction #idk what else to tag this

[blenderscientist]

dont know if i ever shared this on here,, but i have a silly little headcanon where isaac bontemps and celine georges are cousins n isaac is actually the reason that celine got into chess herself. it's gonna be a major thing in my little rewrite im doing but ill rant abt that later lol.

- basically since isaac is 9 years older, he'd be nine years old when celine is a little baby. she's his cousin on his mom's side, and he's always liked his aunt,, b u t he doesn't rlly like babies bc they're loud and they cry and he just absolutely hates that.

- when she was only a couple weeks old isaac hesitantly accepted holding her, but she instantly started screaming which enforced his i hate babies thing even harder than before.

- and when she's about eight months old isaac is made to sit with her, but he mainly just ignores her and tries to master his techniques in chess. as soon as he takes his eye off celine she obviously crawls away over to pieces isaac isnt using and immediately starts chewing on them. isaac doesn't notice but as soon as he does he screams as if he'd literally broken his arm. celine starts crying and it's just an overall nightmare.

- while his own mother is mad,, his aunt understands, celine chews and bites at ANYTHING she can get her hands on. she apologises to isaac, and promises she'll buy him a new chess set. but it's not the same to him, these pieces are close to his heart, gifted to him years ago,, they took his mind off the accident. they took his mind off the bad times. he was extremely attached to those chess pieces.

- a few months pass, and isaac has been taking a break after having his pieces destroyed. but he slowly starts getting back to it. celine isn't put into his room anymore, and if she crawls over to it he simply takes her back to her mom. but one day he's too engrossed in the game when a tiny hand grabs at one of the opposing pieces. isaac looks up to see celine with one of the chess pieces, and he's about to scream for his aunt to come and get her, but stops when he notices she's moving it across the board albeit in a completely wrong way. she puts it down and looks up at isaac who is staring. he lets her know she did it wrong,, but then realises she was only trying to copy him, so he moves the piece himself, showing her what its meant to look like.

- celine being only a baby doesnt really know what hes trying to tell her but she claps her hands and seems to be excited by what's going on. soon isaacs aunt comes in asking isaac if he's seen celine, only to find her on isaacs lap as shes watching him move pieces,,, even if she's not taking it in properly. isaac appreciates someone listening to him.

- any time his aunt comes over from then on, celine immediately will reach for isaac and he'll take her off his aunt and then they'll spend the next hour with isaacs chess board, he rambles on and on and celine seems content with making random noises in response... even if isaac has to take pieces off her because she still sometimes wants to chew them.

rewrite:

- after celines death, isaac is so glad he kept the chess pieces she chewed in a box.. they were so special to him before she'd chewed at them, but now they meant a WHOLE lot more to him. he keeps them on the mantle piece in his house, next to a photo of both celine and him when they were younger. its a sweet reminder of her, but he misses her dearly,,

#criminal case #criminal case mysteries of the past #violets ramblings over cc #violet cries over century mile #kisses celine mwah mwah #celine georges #isaac bontemps #family au #waaaaaah they make me cry #i genuinely adore isaac sm hes so silly #kisses him

[sunsetkerr]

dont wanna be depressing, but how do you deal with parenting your dad?

- 💛 (anon who parents both parents)

hi my love, welcome 💛

I’m more than happy to dive into this, but it's gonna be longggg so I will put this under the cut so I don’t get too sad on main lol, but- quick tw beforehand: heavy drug addiction, anxiety disorder, smoking, drinking, infidelity, parenting your parents, absent father and mentions of suicidal thoughts.

quick backstory! my parents were very on and off throughout my entire childhood. my dad cheated on my mum a total of 13 times, what a guy! my mum? literally the most girl boss, resilient woman I have ever met. worked 3 jobs whilst she was pregnant because my dad was on meth and ice at the time.

so my parents finally broke up for the last time when I was eight.

I saw my dad once a week, until he blew up on me for wanting to call my mum to say goodnight, on the night of my 10th birthday. he went ballistic at me and after that, I didn't leave the house apart from school for a year because I would have panic attacks every time I went somewhere.

my dad is very embarrassing. he's not just emotionally abusive to me, but to his mum, sister and my cousins (without realising the extent of his actions). he is very 'poor me, I'm the vicitm' which is something I have noticed recently.

I really am the only person that my dad has. he now realises that because I'm an adult now, he cannot treat me like a little kid, because I will leave. I dont tolerate that behaviour, I am not as forgiving as my mother.

last year, my dad blew up on my grandad who is 81 and has dementia. my grandma and him haven't spoken since. a few nights ago, my dad rang me around 8pm, and I instantly thought 'what does he want now?'. because he only calls me when needs/wants something.

my dad is on the phone drunk and ends up getting onto the topic of my grandma not speaking to him. he's crying on the phone to me, tells me how he was going to k*ll himself when I was a kid, but that I was the only thing keeping him alive. very fucked, a lot to put on your 20 year old daughter.

he says that he needs my help to repair his relationship with my grandma, and everyone else. that he knows he can always count on me.

it's a sad thing to have to parent your 51 year old father, and have those big hurtful conversations about what he's done wrong and trying to keep him in check. but it's the reality for lots of us! know that you're completely not alone in this. I am really lucky that I have the best mum in the world, she is my best friend and I would definitely be a different person if I didn't have her to rely on.

so to hear that you have to parent both of your parents is really upsetting and im so sorry. im sorry you've had to grow up so quickly, because that is mostly the case in these scenarios. my biggest tip would be to look after you. it's okay to break down, I did the other night for the first time in a while.

its really hard to talk to people about it, because lots of people dont get it. my boyfriend grew up with a classic white-picket fence family and has no idea how to handle the things that I say to him about my dad, but he's trying.

as long as you are getting some kind of support, you will be okay. and if you're not, make time to support yourself. remember, you are the only person that you have forever. you start your life with your parents, but your life doesn't end with them- your life ends with you, so take care of you.

im really sorry that this is reality for you. im sending you so much love, and if you ever need someone to vent to about parenting your parents (or anything else) I'm here <3 thank you for feeling comfortable enough to reach out to me.

#so much love #💛 anon

[go-to-the-mirror]

i think it's absolutely rigged that this episode falls on april fools day actually. APRIL FOOLS! everything is still awful actually

Hi howdy this episode is so sad :( I'm so sad constantly about this episode. this episode. :( can't wait until the FUN season 5 bits where it's like they're GAY and there are so many ANALOGIES! instead we just have to wallow in sadness for a bit. so upset!! aa!!

Anyway yeah, lets go. I think when I listened to it at first I was really upset that I was at the end, like I was thinking "oh no I'm nearly at the end" back with 151. I still haven't listened to goodbye for now because it just makes me really sad that my favourite podded cast is over. I mean, good thing it's not now, but I still don't think I can make myself listen to it. I did put off MAG 200 for a while, and then when I actually did listen to it I immediately read Citrus' (CirrusGrey) fics about it.

Which, speaking of, it's season 5 time!!! Fuck dude it sure is! Not only a relisten, but a reread of all Citrus' fantastic fics!! YEAH!!! Ok, ok, ok, getting on with it now.

@a-mag-a-day

MARTIN You had- rum and raisin, and taught us all about emulsifiers.

He has the ice cream taste of a grandmother. Oh, also, funny story. So, we were getting ice cream, right, and I saw rum and raisin, and I got really upset, because Jon Sims had rum and raisin ice cream, and also the world ended. I don't- everything is a TMA reference with me, once someone asked me to open the door and I started laughing, because Jon Sims opened a door.

It's... very... odd.

JONAH MAGNUS (AS ELIAS) Knock knock.

Killing and maiming. I hate him so much. Die. Fucking die.

JONAH He didn’t have to. Nothing escapes my notice, and I like to keep an eye out for this sort of thing.

This guy is COMICALLY evil. like, not only does he end the world, but he ruins a cake surprise? why is he such a bastard?

ARCHIVIST Uh- thirty-eight.

HE JUST ADDED TEN YEARS ONTO HIS AGE HE'S SO FUCKING STUPID <3

TIM, SASHA, MARTIN (Crosstalk) -Jon. JONAH (Crosstalk) -Archivist.

WHY??? Literally, like, why, why, why is he like this, why, why??? Why did he do that? Why is he such an asshole? Why.

Why.

why.

ARCHIVIST If I wish for you all to go away, do you think it’ll work?

WHY ARE WE GETTING HIT WITH THE DRAMATIC IRONY BUS? WHY? "If I wish for you all to go away, do you think it'll work" STOP NO, WHY, WHYYYY...

it just makes me really sad.

ARCHIVIST I can’t tell you.

Your honour I am holding him gently.

JONAH He wished for a little bit of peace and quiet.

It's one thing to manipulate someone into ending the world, it's quite another to SHARE THEIR WISH? Dude. Why is he like this? This does nothing for him? He has taken one of Jon's only happy memories from working at the hell that's called an archive and twisted it into "oh boy, look at all that pain." For no fucking reason except to be evil. Killing and murder.

MARTIN Oh! Uh, (slight laugh) I mean- I don’t- normally- drink wine, you know- t-tannins are a proven headache trigger, and so-

Ooh! Fun fact! Rooibos tea has low tannin compared to other tea, therefore, Martin drinks rooibos tea, I make the rules.

TIM Oh! Yeah! I- just thought it might be nice, you know, something to look back on when we’re all old and sick of each other.

WHY. WHY. WHY.

"When we're all old and sick of each other" THEYRE NEVER GONNA GET OLD AND SICK OF EACH OTHER THEYRE ALL GOING TO DIE. THEYRE ALREADY DEAD AND THEY DONT EVEN KNOW IT. IM GOING TO CRY NOW.

ARCHIVIST (Crosstalk) (Under his breath) Oh, hypocrite.

I hate that it sounds friendly, like they're getting annoyed at each other in a friendly way, that Jon is friends with Tim and Sasha. Hate it. So much. Headinhands.

TIM (Crosstalk) Alright, alright, fine, look. I’m turning it off. Any last words for your future selves? ARCHIVIST Yes. Fire Tim!

ARHRRHGGGHGH </3

[Pause with clothing rustles]

CLOTHING RUSTLES!!!!! 🏳️‍🌈

ARCHIVIST It’s not- (struggling) you’re not the one who ended the world. (Archivist breath shows he’s close to tears)

Oh my god leave me alone. Stop it! Stop it!! It's just. Like. Christ. Oh my god. Oh my god. I can't even word properly, I just want to give him a hug, I just want him to be okay. Fuck, dude.

Why's jonny such a good voice actorrrr :(

MARTIN Are we still safe? ARCHIVIST Y-Yes. It- It doesn’t want to harm me. MARTIN And me? ARCHIVIST I won’t let it.

I like the way Jon's voice is in the "it doesn't want to harm me." Like it's sort of vaguely hysterical.

ARCHIVIST I’m just- I’m mourning a world I killed- MARTIN (Placating) I know- ARCHIVIST (Increasingly fervent) and we’re all trapped in its rotting corpse!-

I like this bit a lot. I think it's neat. I'm gay and I like rot. I need to read... what was it, thirteen stories I think? That's got the rot. I like the rot. 10/10 on the rot. Like hnmmn what Jane Prentiss says about the dead god, a world that was alive, was sentient, now dead, rotting with maggots and flies all over it, flesh squishy and yielding but also firm at the same time like a bruised apple, trapped on an actually dead corpse of a world.

That would be neat!!

ARCHIVIST Can you imagine? If we’d had this? MARTIN But we didn’t though, did we. ARCHIVIST No— MARTIN So there’s no point in dwelling.

ooOOOoooh title drop

but also... </3 like he could have kept them. he could have not done that. he could have not put the fucking solution to everything right after it becomes moot.

stabbing.

ARCHIVIST Healthy? I am an Avatar of voyeuristic terror, who unquestioned craving for knowledge has condemned the entire world to an eternity of torment; healthy i-isn’t- i,it’s not

I've written this so much on like every test, it lives in my mind rent free, it's hhnrnhrnnh holding it gently <3 like i don't even know what to say, this is a far cry from the whole mag 160 thing where it lived in my head rent free and so does a lot of words about it, here it's just... a lot of reaction images.

ARCHIVIST Why not? It- It’s quiet, here, and I have you.

ARHGHHGHHH

<333

ARCHIVIST No, it’s- I love you, I just— I need more time.

headinhands (good)

AND ALRIGHT CITRUS' FIC FOR TODAY IS SEVEN SLEEPS! WHICH I REALLY LIKE IT AND ITS JUST LIKE ITS JUST LIKE I KNEW WHAT I WAS SIGNING UP FOR, I KNEW WHAT THE OUTCOME WOULD BE, I KNEW WHAT WOULD HAPPEN. and like the whole bloody season it's just like it's just :( CITRUS ::::(((

read it. it's so good.

#this is a ramble #tma #mag 161 #landscaping-your-mind-chapter-one #a mag a day

[almond-tofu-chan]

i have never been angrier in my entire fucking life, it is taking every fiber of my being to not actually punch someone right now /srs

so this fucking show im assistant directing, WAS assistant directing, i quit because it was hell. the director is this piece if shit entitled bitch who doesnt know or care how to run a good show. i signed up to assistant direct, ended up babysitting a bunch of kids from four to six every day five days a week. while i was doing the job I DIDNT SIGN UP TO DO i was verbally berated, abused, mistreated, and taken advantage of at every possible corner. when i learned tech week would be till eight i fucking quit

heres where i get fucking pissed: the kids were amazing. theyre a bunch of talented, bright actors who are absolutely lovely, and for most of them this is their first show. i understandably feel awful for quitting, plus the bitch director hates me nowc but i show up to opening night to cheer them on

i want to kill this woman

kids are crying, shes yelling at them backstage constantly, lighting and sound cues dont work, choreo and blocking are nonexistent, so are props and costumes and set: everything needed to make a show a show is absent or so shoddily put together that it genuinely looked like it was going to fall apart

and the kids are amazing, they do so well with what theyre given and theyre so good and talented and im serious when i say theyre all gonna go far, if it werent for the fucking director

show starts 20 minutes late because she hasnt finished playbills, curtains are see through and on yhe verge of collapse at all times, they're doing this show in a HIGH SCHOOL CAFETERIA btw, all the costumes she got yesterday from thriftsmart, she got kids ti make all the props and set and it shows, and she never told crew what to do, so shes yelling at them constantly while giving them no direction at all. a crew kid is forced on stage at one point to turn on someones mic, he was crying

i had to comfort no less than four crying kids afterwards, all sobbing because she had yelled at them and berated them for no goddamn reason other than the thrill of the power trip

oh and btw, the second the show ended she disappeared. didnt talk to parents, cast, crew, just fucking dipped.

and you know what? im going to the show tomorrow too. i fucking quit because i forsaw this shit was going to happen, but no way in hell am i just gonna watch while these kids that i love suffer. fucking survivors guilt is a thing, and i want to kill her for making me kill myself for this goddamn show

i wouldnt be surprised if these kids hate theatre now. theyre all a bunch of talented, starry eyed young impressionable kids who she is using for her own power trips and abuse, and shes probably ruining theatre for them forever. shes hurting the people i love and forcing me to get involved again when i had already gotten out. seriously, fuck this shit, im so mad. you hurt me thats one thing. you hurt my kids? fuck you, seriously go fuck yourself.

sorry for the long fucking post, this show is so fucking awful i havent even talked about a quarter of the shit going on, theres so goddamn much of it

ill be fine, i just had so much fucking work to do this weekend that i cant get done now because of this goddamn show. if she directs the show next year i will actually kill someone, i hope she dies slowly and painfully /srs

#vent #tw vent #srry ik i never vent on here #but this shit is so awful #and im so goddamn tired of it #tl;dr powertripping director is hurting the kids i care about and survivors guilt is a bitch #theatre #zombie prom #fucking zombie prom #shit show anyeay #i hate it here

[craw-dacious]

Thats the art of getting by, by sarewolf

Again, new to marauders. This fic 3 that I’ve read. Feel free to shoot me recs, currently looking for ~100,000 word fic with a good angst balance and no major character death.

Summary: Overall this story was INCREDIBLE. I loved the writing style, such a good amount of angst, and an easy to follow narrative. It raised Harry like exactly how I wanted and was so cutey and sweetly and UGH

SPOILERS BELOW BEWARE

Chapter one

I already like the opening quote. Can tell the writing is going to be good.

God the angst is already great

He’s only 24 wild

I kind of forgot just how much he lost that night, like all of his closest friends were dead. Even in canon, with no world star this probably sucks the worst for Lupin.

Okay I’m actually crying already

I’ve been wanting a babyfic since the first one I read

This is such a hard thing to do, parenting is hard without the trauma and sob storying

Chapter two

I wonder how they are going to reincorporate Sirius

And I’m concerned about Harry’s quietness, I feel like that’s not consistent with who he grows up to be

Hoping for some baby Ron and harry content eventually 

I never give Kudos until the end of the fic, this is incredible and I absolutely adore it already

Literally crying from how sad Remus is Jesus

Chapter three

YES love old lady gossip

Neris is so cute delicious

Plus Harry is opening up a lot, so far very happy chapter!

So gay bruh

HARRY BEING SAD TOO IS KILLING ME JUST A BABY FR

This is actually fucking INFURIATING him being like “Sirius never loved us” like BRO I know you’re being LIED TO but I CANNOT HANDLE IT TOO SAD

Chapter four

Now I need to be a depressed widow with a three year old son who loves me

Like I think just having a child would patch my soul

This is actually the cutest thing ever love love love

I think me and remus lupin are the same person

Like gay traumatized werewolf = teenaged girl

“Oh the memories, oh the love” SO ME

YES RON AND HARRY BEST FRIENDS IM GONNA SOB

Damn he’s in love with Sirius fr fr

Can tell this is a shift, so gonna do a small recap

Wonderful characterization

Remus kind of being forced to push forward is great narratively, a little concerned about how it will work with pacing

They write Harry very well, not annoying as children can often be in fic

Chapter five

This is what I wanted, you see James and Lily in harry and remus is just thoughtful and reflective enough to show the audience the importance of this its just MWAH

Oh my god

Baby trauma. He’s so cute and being such a little bitch

Literally so sad, like remus is such a better parent than the Dursleys could ever be but him knowing what harry had makes it sad

If I have to read “angry fucks” again im gonna lose it, say sex please, at least sometimes

YES HE’S FREEEE

Chapter six

God this sucks, like I know they aren’t truly in danger but the emotional turmoil goes crazy

3 chapters till we get Sirius saying it now

Cannot understate how much remus’s pining and distraught connects to me

Like I can tell they were in love but SO TOXIC which, again, is teenage girl core

Not to diminish the relationship, I think the way teenage girls evaluate breakups and romance is like peak human condition and is incredibly poignant amidst the issues of war and death and loss.

YES FUCK YES HELL YEAH INNOCENT INNOCENT INNOCENTTTTTT FUCK PETER HATE THAT SON OF A BITCH

Chapter seven

UGH I know I said fuck Peter but this still sucks ass

When do I get to see Sirius. Ik I said 3 chapters but I didn’t mean it

Damn Petes evil as fuck

The justice in him being DECLARED innocent is so beautiful. I wish that could’ve happened in the books, he died being known as a shitty, terrible human being

Chapter eight

Ok skip this shit and jump to the gay sex I do not want a flashback rn I need TEARS

Jk obviously its important and builds suspense, well written two with good symbolism

Fuck fuck fuck fuck just kiss please I need them to kiss please

Like I actually cannot watch them be fucking roommates ill vomit

Sobbing sobbing sobbing “I hope not” Jesus fucking christ let me suck the authors dick I love this sm

Chapter nine

Just taking in the idea that both Sirius and Harry see each other as a replacement for James in the books, that is such a beautiful like concept with such horrible influences on how they treat each other and I really want to see how its reconciled here, if its relevant at all

Harry with his two dads that barely speak to each other

I do need reconciliation but making sure the weight of tragedy is like there also seems important

But also, please, just fuck already

Chapter ten

Ok remus time to put your big boy pants on and apologize

Like actually nothing will fix itself until you say sorry man

“He’s pack” BRUH harry

Pls having to tell everyone you’re living with this famous not-criminal is so funny I actually am losing it

Pls just be nice to each other for once bruh

Yay!! Nice!!

They’re so like fucked up its messy brother

Chapter eleven

THIS IS SO CUTE IM GONNA KMS

The dog plushie, the memory album, literally everything god I love Christmas

Omfg. Sweater. Sobbing.

AND HITTING ME WITH ANGST AT THE END. This is such a good joy-depression balance

Like its SO SO SAD like irrevocably depressing and filled with grief but also like LIFE and CHILDHOOD and JOY and bruuuhh

Chapter twelve

evil

Chapter fourteen

Basically skipped twelve and thirteen

Jesus Christ

That was gay sex fs

The dementors kiss scene was fucking heart breaking, like devastatingly sad but obviously Peter deserved it

Actually idk, soullessness is so horrific

Then THE KISS and the SEX and everything it was so raw and good and Jesus fucking christ

I want to have sex with eric again bruh

Just so sad, and so happy at the end with the talk of learning to live with it and just UGH amazing I love it

Literally cannot think of a critique atm, im sure ill have some at the end though

FULL RECAP

Yes I know I skipped 16 and 17 and I'm sorry.

Overall this story was INCREDIBLE. I loved the writing style, such a good amount of angst, and an easy to follow narrative. It raised Harry like exactly how I wanted and was so cutey and sweetly and UGH. I will say I wish there was more to the plot than “everyone is sad and trying to not be anymore”While that is a completely reasonable story, it does make it a little boring. But because this fic is fairly short it works out alright. My only true criticism is going to be on the pacing. I am not sure at all when Harry and Remus were introduced to each other, or how far after that Sirius came into their lives. I also think Harry and Sirius’ connection, while amazing, was a bit unrealistic at the beginning. For a child with this much past to IMMEDIATELY latch onto someone like this is kinda wild, but it works for the story so no big deal honestly. I think characterizations were good, not great. However, this is a situation we haven’t seen marauders in and I’m not super familiar with how marauders are usually characterized outside of reading the books and watching movies, so I’d reevaluate characterization stuff once im more engrossed in the fandom.

This is something I just thought about while adding tags, having moody in this fic was nice. He's a character I'd like to see more out of what I've read so far in marauders

9/10, truly loved this one

#fanfiction #wolfstar #harry potter #fic rec #fic #post war #post azkaban sirius #remus lupin #sirius black #alastor moody #baby harry

[dollarstoreartsupplies]

i lowkey would totally be interested in your richie and stan dance moms au lore. I read that fic ages ago and now can't get richie and stan being dancers out of my brain. especially because im a dancer myself

Richies strengths are performing (obviously), but i also think she would have this super cool and unique quality to her dancing while stan is super technical. and i think stan would struggle with a perfectionistic mindset (ugh dont we all) and sometimes lose her artistry while richie is relaxed and genuinely just dances for enjoyment, not really caring if shes not completely technically sound

(btw you are such a talented writer i could read ur writing forever. and you characterization skills are so fucnjkh good)

(Here's the fic for reference btw)

Dude, homie, bestie, my dear like it’s so STUCK IN MY BRAIN because like?? I in general am of the opinion that gals Stan and Richie were in dance classes as little kids together, because I think it’s fun, and I ALSO think they’re the two funniest characters to throw onto reality television? Like,,,, come on?  

(Also like I’m Bad at describing dance for a person who dances so unfortunately there isn’t nearly enough dance info forthcoming in this as there is in my brain)

SO the basic timeline and lore built out in my head is:

Age 2: Richie and Stan start dancing at the ALDC in those baby ballet classes, Andrea and Maggie become friends sitting in waiting rooms and tiny Richie and Stan baby bond INSTANTLY, so they’re best friends immediately 

Age 8: The show starts filming, and it follows the actual real life incredibly fucked up dance moms lore where everyone thought they were signing up for a short documentary style thing about dancing and got locked into YEARS OF TELEVISED CHILDHOOD TRAUMA

They’re in a one year contract at first, which then gets upped to a five year contract once the show starts picking up, so six years in total that they’re REQUIRED to be on the show.

Stan genuinely is very invested in dance and both her and her parents specifically put a lot of weight in her being successful (without meaning to be kind of fucked up about it), and she’s an only child with a stay at home mom who can spend all her time on Dance, so that’s why they sign on

Richie is pretty much Gonna Do What Stan Is Doing and is generally having fun (-ish) with the being a minor celebrity of it all because she’s Nine Years Old so she’s down

She does have one older sister but she’s way, way older (18 when Richie is 8 kind of vibe) so she’s going to college by the time the show begins and therefore Maggie and Went feel comfortable committing to it

(There are some episodes where Maggie isn’t there because of Richie’s sister and Abby thinks she’s a bad mom because of it and says it a lot)

It’s also important to note that they’re just normal people being intensely manipulated by production to sign on

At the start of the show A La Maddie (DISCLAIMER: i refuse to write any semblance of real person fanfiction, Abby doesn’t count because she fucking sucks, so decide on ur own if the normal real dance moms girls are there or there are just other random Dance Children) Stan is very much the golden child who Always wins and Always gets very good solos because she’s abby’s favorite

Their solos are mostly Ballet and Lyrical because they are technically incredible and a very pretty dancer

HOWEVER like you said she is SUCH a perfectionist (mood) and takes every loss REALLY personally, so it becomes a sort of toxic fandom mindset that she is a spoiled brat because they cry a lot and have panic attacks over not liking how a dance went (FILMED LIVE ON FUCKING TELEVISION AT EIGHT! WUH OH!) 

Richie is sort of set up to be a Jojo type character, where she’s REALLY REALLY fun to watch dance and a ball full of energy but because she’s so Much all the time the producers end up painting her as very, very rude and sort of lazy brat

But she’s a fantastic performer, which is crazy important in dance, and it’s not like she’s BAD she’s just not super technical? Which actually sometimes works in her favor because she ends up being a really a super versatile dancer

Jazz and musical theater are her Big Two but she’s pretty much good at everything except ballet because WHO IS? (Stan)

The dynamic is basically Stan is a incredible dancer but really just at certain styles (idk if I’m describing this well but she’s very much the kind of dancer you watch and think Wow She’s Good At Dancing and Doing This Correctly) and Richie is very much a jack of all trades master of none

They’re very good at duets though because Richie gets Stan to loosen up and Stan refuses to let Richie Not Practice Constantly

Richie’s coasting the bottom of the pyramid WEEKLY even when she wins because of her ‘behavior’ and Stan is usually at the top

Generally the production team tries to frame the two of them as enemies because they’re SO different that it makes good television for perfect, ballerina Stan to be constantly butting heads with obnoxious brat Richie but they’re genuinely such good friends it Does Not Work

One episode is set up to sort of push the Hate Each Other narrative in season one where they give Stan a really cheesy, big performance jazz number and Richie a really, really technical ballet number, expecting it to be a big competition and fight but instead they just help each other practice and cheer each other up when they get upset

Stan wins the first nationals, obviously

Age 9-10ish: By the second season it sort of starts to pick up in intensity and both of them start to get homeschooled/setschooled and the show becomes their entire lives, which is Bad

By this point both of their mental health isn’t Awesome but Stan is really not doing great, especially because they’re so anxious the social media perception is really getting to them, and her mom is trying really hard to get out of their contract, but they’re stuck. 

Stan and Richie (along with their moms) decide they’re both leaving together the second their contracts are up.

Someone else from their team wins nationals second season but because Stan is so in her head about everything she gets like fourth, which is also Bad For Her and the narrative starts to slightly switch from ‘golden child’ into ‘is she Still the golden child?’

Age 11: THIRD SEASON, though, Richie win’s nationals and Stan gets second, which like… isn’t supposed to happen

(Fun actual Dance Moms fact: pretty much all the competitions are rigged but nationals are Less Rigged like they’re tilted in their favor but the judges are a little more real)

Abby is PISSED and basically tries to make it seem like the judges messed up scoring or it was a mistake and it’s one of those Famous dance moms scenes because Abby is basically saying that Stan should have won because she is better and Richie is clearly very genuinely upset (which doesn’t happen a lot she’s very good at like making when she’s upset a joke when the cameras are around) and Stan fully stands up to Abby and calls her out on her bullshit 

After that the whole energy skews more against Stan where suddenly production is airing a lot more of the little insults they usually cut out specifically for Stan to try and push the agenda that Abby is unfairly nice to them

Everyone sort of blames Richie for it a lot of the time, though, and the two of them probably have a thinly veiled duet called like The Bad Influence 

Age 12: Abby really fucks up and says something Genuinely So Bad (and probably Pretty Antisemetic im ngl because have you fucking watched dance moms?) to Stan so production literally cannot make them stay legally, like with Kelly situation, where it could get them into actual trouble so Stan and Andrea are allowed to break their contract and leave the show

The show runners cut most of the argument out and edit it to seem like it wasn’t Abby’s fault

Richie and her mom try to follow but because it’s a specific situation that wasn’t aimed at Richie they aren’t allowed

They both know they’re leaving when the contract is up but there's still two years stuck on the show without her immediate best friend support system and it really sucks

People make a lot of sad edits about it and Richie thinks it’s really funny but also it's genuinely the crux of why she's QUITE so mentally ill (in general being hated by abby was never good for her but once Stan leaves it's ROUGH)

Age 14: Richie’s off the show, she knows she’s gonna be off the show, so she like fully flips Abby off in the dressing room after nationals and storms out with her mom and the show honestly just keeps it in because it’s good tv to have a big reason like that to explain why she left

They worked it out so Stan and her mom are waiting outside and they drive them home and hang out and it’s a good time :)

OTHER LOSERS LORE:

Richie and Stan were best friends with Mike from before the show and they went to school together/continued to post both of them leaving the show

She’s in One (1) episode for two seconds at like a party or something and Richie and Stan pretty much Just Post That Scene when they’re older, like if someone asks them about their favorite moment they’re like oh yeah when mike was there

She’s got a big social media following from the two of them and thinks it’s hilarious

They meet the rest of the losers in college

Bill and Mike are college roommates who are crushing hard on eachother so she becomes their friend through Mike

Stan and Ben are roommates and Ben is dating Bev so that’s how they become friends

Bev was a childhood Dance Moms stan, like ran a fan instagram account and went to meet ups because I think that's really funny don’t worry she’s better now

Bill and Eddie have been best friends since elementary school so she gets dragged to a lot of their hangouts and is completely and entirely unaware that Stan and Richie are like c-list celebrities for a WHILE

tbh this is like a very train of thought bare bones explanation but do with it what you will :)

#dance moms au #fem richie tozier #fem stan uris #this might be illegible idk

[emo-gremlin]

Me, @ravenpoefan, my bff (you know who you are), and my F/os as memes (feat my bffs f/os)

🥰

Bailey: stop dating attractive women

Thunderhoof: Alright, bet. Where all the fine men at?

🥰

Bailey: stop dating women

Me: no. *dabs*

🥰

Bailey: Stop dating women

Ravenpoe: yes I 100% agree, leave us alone, thank you

🥰

Steeljaw: *picks up a visor masquerading as sunglasses* how much is this?

Me: 9.99

Steeljaw: *puts it on* you think I can get some bitches with these

🥰

Me: you radiate the same energy as a 100 gecs song and I don't know if that's a good or bad thing

My bff: I like to think its both

🥰

Me: I just realized something

Jack: what

Me: every single odd number has an e in it

Jeff: oh dear god what have you done

Me: Listen-

Strade: not all of them. 30 and 50 aren't spelled with the letter e in it

Jeff: oh father god

Strade: if you can split a number in half evenly, it's even. 30 and 50 are odd.

Jack: *questions life choices*

Strade: *scoffs* 15+15=30 and 25+25=30

Atlas: 25+25=30? You sure about that?

Jeff: lord have mercy

Me: ok bye

Peter: 3 days into 2020 shaking my fucking head

My bff: *probably dying from laughing so hard*

Ren: one, three, five, nine. And since everything else after is a variable of these numbers, then all odds have the letter e

Jack: you forgot seven

Jeff: it just keeps getting worse

Ravenpoe: WHA- WHAT IS GOING ON *laughs* I can't even-

Thunderhoof: you whole ass forgot about eight - a number with an e and it's pretty fucking even

Ren: why would 8 be brought up if its EVEN in a conversation about ODDS?! Emo said 'every single odd number has an E in it' not 'every single number with e is odd' WHAT THE FUCK

Me: 3 days until 2021 and we're still here

My bff: happy new year's eve

Steeljaw: I'm going to bring this flaming dumpster into 2022 so future generations can see what a mistake this entire madhouse was

John: uh, guys. 2 is odd and doesn't have an e, just saying

Thunderhoof: did you just deadass try to tell me 2 is odd? I'm fucking crying throw this whole household away

Bff: Dying from the last one

Viren: the one thing I notice is no matter how much you want to throw this whole household away you just...can't

Ravenpoe: TWO IS ODD?! PFFT IM SCREAMING

Gabriel: wait what about zero that's an odd number no?

Jack: *intense regret*

Strade: ok but hear me out, 30 and 50 make up for the fact they have no e by the way they're pronounced third e fifth e

Booker: WHY DO 30 AND 50 FUCKING MATTER THEY'RE FUCKING EVEN

Alan: what the actual fuck is happening

Robin: one is an even number

Me: I'm gonna smack you

Steeljaw: -30 and -50 have an e in them

John: zero isn't a number

Guzma: it can't be divided by 2 though can it?

Ren: it can??? 0/2=0???

Both Jack and Jeff: *in sheer awe of all the stupidity*

Me: OD NUMBERS 1, 3, 5, 7, 9

Gabriel: OD NUMBERS huh?

Elijah: anything that ends in 0 2 4 6 8 is even and the rest is odd 1 3 7 9 stop freaking out yall

Atlas: YOU FORGOT 5

Dimitri: WHAT ABOUT 4

Elijah: what about it

Dimitri: that doesn't have an e in it

Elijah: THATS BECAUSE ITS EVEN

Me: are you guys ok

Bff: IM FUCKING SOBBING RIGHT NOW OH MY GOD

Alan: I'm honestly so confused right now

Ravenpoe: what is going on

Jeff: this is the height of our stupidity, it has to be, or future generations cannot exist

🥰

Ren: you need to stop thinking that you're ugly.

Ren: you are but stop thinking about it

🥰

Strade: 2 tickets please

Bff: what movie?

*camera pans to Strade dressed up as a whole ass minion*

🥰

Alex: I'm so alpha, that I drink BULL'S MILK for breakfast. Keep crying betas.

Lawrence: Shiiiit, look out betas, we got ourselves a badass over here. This motherfucker swallows 🌟 Bull Semen 🌟 *cackles*

🥰

Vegeta: don't expect me to chase you, I'm dominate.

Slappy: *looks at a picture of him* is this him? Now who the hell is this salt and shaker sized man dominating? I don't understand why it's always the men who can't reach the top shelf who try to be all macho macho. Imagine, now you're being dominated by someone who needs a step to climb into bed. And you know I really thought maybe I shouldn't throw insults at this shoebox sized man, maybe I should try to rationalize some of the problematic things he was saying. But then I realized, he literally can't reach that level.

Strade: *walks in the middle of shot* Leprechaun sized ass

Slappy: now imagine being dominated by a man whose feet dangle when he sits in a chair. Why is it always people who cannot reach the overhead compartment in an airplane that have trouble with self worth?

🥰

Me: sorry first time being kidnapped, kinda nervous

Me: so like, why did you pick me? Do you think I'm cute?

Strade: I'm gonna kill you

Me: ok daddy vibes, we love abad boy king and I wanna die ;P

Strade: there's something wrong with your generation

Robin: freeze! Police! You're safe now ma'am

Me: ok we police it's not that deep, chill and did you assume my gender? Because that's offensive

Robin: but I'm here to-

Me: THAT'S OFFENSIVE

🥰

Bff: show me one tiny small object that you pointlessly have

Bailey: ...

Atlas: *cackles* Small dick mother-

🥰

Jak: Are chicken tenders vegan?

Jack: No, Jak, chicken tenders are not vegan

Jak: *goes to speak again*

Jack: chicken wings aren't vegan either

🥰

Jak: *filming a great forest view*

*Lawrence appears in frame*

Jak: hi

Lawrence: ok

🥰

Bo: I love you bitch *strums guitar*

Me and my bff: oh my god

Bo: *strums guitar* I ain't never stop loving you....bitch

🥰

Strade and Jak: yo Gabriel!

Gabriel: *quickly dabs*

Strade and Jak: OOOOOOOOOOO

🥰

Slappy: *screams*

Jack: STOP! I COULD'VE DROPPED MY CROISSANT!

🥰

Whitney: you got something to say clown?

Jack: your mother has a job and is a respected member of the community

🥰

My bff: just think about it, Emo. All the control, all the power, all the FREE CHICKEN

🥰

Jeff: how come every time I take you to the mall it burns to the ground?

Spamton: I blame the economy

🥰

Kylar: I'll be anything you want me to be!

My bff: *whacking him with a huge stick* I WANT YOU TO BE DEAD

🥰

Elijah: why do the good die young?

Strade: mostly because I get impatient

🥰

Jack: I love helping kids, Jeff! I love kids. I LOVE KIDS!

Jeff: Jack, uh I really would not be screaming that at the top of your lungs

🥰

*trying to give Lawrence a makeover*

Lawrence: how do I look, guys?

Ren: o.0

Peter: you look like you just told your friends not to come to school tomorrow man

🥰

Jack: more espresso, less depresso

Robin: *downs 3 iced coffees* I'm still depressed but now I'm fast.

#self ship community #self ship positivity #self ship meme #self ship #self shipper #self insert x canon

[journalsandshit]

12/15/2022 - journal

i know i should be happy for my brother. he just texted me saying that his ceramic piece is getting sent to a rodeo. the thing is, its breaking me that he just gets to waltz into art- the one thing that ive had for myself that people are impressed with me for, and be fucking amazing at it. he already has so much other shit. he has football, hes good at it and he plays every minute of every game and makes a team no matter how fucking lazy he is. ive been playing volleyball for eight god damned years and ive only ever been on the lowest team available to me. this year i didnt even get to play, i was a fucking bench warmer on the team that i started. hes wrestling now and everyones all impressed with that. later this year hell throw shot put and discus, another sport i never got to be good at that he excels in. i had come to accept that i was never gonna beat him at sports but i was okay with it because i had academics and arts. but now hes in high school and hes doing fucking great in all of his classes. hes complaining when he gets below an a while im crying over work just trying to get a passing grade. but even when i lost that, i was still the artist of the family. the one that made irreplaceable things that my mother was proud of and my father envied. but now, now hes in the same art class as me and hes going to competitions as a freshman that i couldnt have even dreamed of going to that early. i know its skewed bc of the school i was at and shit but i dont care. hes always thought that hes better than me and time and time again hes proved right. i should be proud and happy for him that he gets to do this but im just so, so mad that i had ONE thing left and now its gone. theres nothing special about me anymore. i dont have anything. i was so proud of my portfolio and i got a fucking three, and i know that wasnt my fault, other people that did better than i did got the same score, but that was a hard blow. and now my brother is showing me up in a fundamental art class. why cant i just have one thing that sets me apart from him. why cant i just be proud of myself without him coming along and saying or doing something that completely ruins it.

i fucking hate everything and i hate that i cant be happy for him and i hate that im mad at him for following in my footsteps and i hate that i care so much and i hate that im so jealous and i hate i hate i hate

update from months later: he fucking won. he got best in show in the most important competition in the state. and i got nothing. i couldnt even bring myself to go see his piece because of how angry and jealous i am. and im so sorry. im so sorry that i cant just be happy for him but every time he does something better than me im overwhelmed with this horrible need to scream about how unfair it is and i cant do that so i just cry alone at night and hope that maybe ill win something someday.

#12/15/2022 #from old blog #journal #tiernan

[nimphontheshore]

Hey Doll,

Or must I say — Good morning.

But fear me, don’t try to peek in too early. My words are there to make you go through the day, don’t try to read them while getting ready… You’re gonna be late.

Je pensais à toi ce soir, jusque là… Rien de nouveau. Je fixais le ciel and I was swearing at it cause these days I cannot see the moon and it’s pissing me off (reason why you don’t get much pics). Au delà de juste m’amuser à insulter le ciel comme un dérangé mental, je pensais à nous et j’ai encore bien du mal, parfois, à me dire que you’re mine. Like. It’s a bit of a crazy thought… So bear with me. I know that you’re mine, I know that you’ve been for the past seven months (soon to be eight); I could even say, for the past year now. But still, when I truly think about it, I’m like… How could this girl be all mine. Je te mens pas, tu sais, quand je te dis que je te perçois encore comme la nana pour laquelle je tremblais l’année passée, pour laquelle je faisais attention à mes gestes, à mes mots — et à l’inverse, pour qui j’étais un gros maladroit qui ne savait même pas mettre un pied devant l’autre correctement — le grand paniqué. Sure, things changed (always for the better) mais je n’arriverai probablement jamais à te voir autrement, comme acquise. Et tant mieux… Finalement. On dit souvent que ça revient à poser la personne sur un piédestal, right ? Mais moi, en tout cas, je trouve pas. Et si c’est le cas, that’s just where you belong; pour moi t’es un peu dédoublée. You’re my girl, my half of a soul but you’re also Nereid, cette nana qui me paraîtra toujours au dessus de tout le reste, this special, special girl.

Bon… T’arrives à me suivre ? Je suis probablement fatigué, tu écoutes mes pensées sortir en direct. Tout ça pour dire que ouais, toujours et encore du mal à croire que you picked me. I feel so special because you picked me. I feel special because of your love, and everything you give and share with me au quotidien. Je le dirai jamais assez, mais c’est absolument fou, nous deux. Fou but also, it makes so much sense. C’était instantané, on avait beau croire anything sur le moment, on our first meeting et les premiers mois, mais tout était déjà aligné right in front of our eyes, tu le sais ça ? Je me souviens au début, quand on se pensait si différents voir à l’opposé l’un de l’autre… Alors que, yeah, sure we’re different, but we are very alike. It was all about being too emotive, too confusing, miscommunication at first — mais je pense que, surtout, on avait des visions et des attentes erronées, right ? On agissait avec ce qu’on nous avait mis sous le bras : des relations qui étaient pas si meaningful au final, des perceptions de l’amour qui ne pouvaient même pas réellement faire sens si on ne l’avait jamais vraiment connu (…) tout un tas de trucs idiots, finalement. C’est comme ça que je le vois, we were just different, back then. Because we didn’t know how it would be, how it would change us. Si tu me relances sur les sujets où l’on différait les premiers jours post-confession, im sure we will be the same now. Get it? I don’t know, it’s prolly a silly thought but I’ve come to realize that. I’ve changed so much since I’ve got you with me. I thought I was open minded before, but now? With you? You enlarged my spectrum so fucking much; now I wanna believe in some stuff, now I wanna listen and I’m curious about so many things; now my ego is to pieces, nothing matters if not you. (Well… my ego has always been to pieces with you. I’ve never been so open with my feelings, not too scared to over share like a down bad boy. Id rather tell you what’s in my heart, all the time). I really like the boy that I am around you — because he only wants to make you feel comfortable, happy, and always enjoying your time. And when you’re sad, he wanna be the one to cheer you up, or the best shoulder you could have to cry upon.

I was so insecure with my love, before you. But also at the beginning of us — and I have to say, also from time to time now — je me suis ramassé bien de réflexions à la tronche, à l’époque. Honestly; they were fair : Que j’étais que des mots et jamais des actes, que j’étais vraiment nul pour cheer up ou alors pour écouter; que at times, j’ai toujours mon mot à dire, mes solutions à trouver, au lieu d’offrir un réel soutien… It’s confusing, because some are just the way that I am, and try. But I’m always scared to not be good enough to you; I’m not perfect — like you always try to say — and I will prolly continue de make mistakes; but I still wanna be my best self to you; for you. I wanna be able to listen when you, or to talk when its time to change your mind; it’s like. I wanna be able to know what you need, without you talking. But I guess that’s not always so easy for me. You know, I’m still learning; but the most important thing is that I’m always trying.

Anyway doll, please get this inked inside that big brain of yours : It’s always you, then the rest; it’s always you and then it’s me. I will always prioritize you, and us. And I hope I can make you feel as special as you make me. Because you deserve it, more than anyone walking this earth right now.

You’re the best thing that has EVER happened to me. Ever. And you’re the greatest gift I could have asked for. Thing is… I didn’t even know that This, what we have, could ever be possible. When I look back only a week before meeting you… It’s crazy, I could have never pictured this happening to me; in any other world or universe. I didn’t know in a couple days I would meet the key to my life, my survival and my sole happiness. You’re literally my angel, Doll. And it had to be you, from the very beginning. Never doubt that

[khodorkovskaya]

29.12.22

sooo i had the driving lesson this morning and uhhh... i don't know if it went well or not.

at the beginning i was super confident and then... the instructor stopped me and gave his verdict. basically everything im doing is wrong. the way i hold the steering wheel is wrong, i brake too late and, most importantly, i don't ever do the RTI. and i was like huh what is the RTI? apparently it's the number one thing they check for during the exam: you have to look (1) in the rearview mirror, (2) in the side mirror and (3) turn your head before you do anything. you have to do the three things in order every time. and i didn't know that... 😅 i only look in the side mirror and turn my head if i have to switch lanes and that's it. but you have to do it very often.

it makes sense why i feel like i never understand where im going when im behind the wheel. because i only look ahead. and no one ever told me that i have to look around too. and it's so stupid now that i say it. like duhh you have to look around while driving. but i never did bc i never thought about it.

when i went driving with B it was only when my stepdad asked me if my rearview mirror was adjusted that i realised that i could look in the rearview mirror... i drove around for weeks without ever looking in the rearview mirror...... and now it's the same thing. i drove around without ever looking around myself and didn't know i was supposed to do that...

so yeah the instructor said that he doesn't understand how i thought that i was fit to do the exam. he said i don't even have the basics and all i need to do now is do figure eights around the parking lot. he said i need 40 to 50 more hours of lessons before going to the exam. the problem is i only have my student license until april and if i fail i will have to redo theory all over again. and i can't afford driving lessons with an instructor.

so my first instinct was to give up on driving all together. this whole experience has been so painful and i have no idea how everyone does it! everyone ive met had passed their license on the first try and learned to drive in only a couple of weeks! meanwhile ive struggled so much with basically no progress. ive had my student license since summer of 2020 and im still at the level of doing figure eights at a parking lot. like idk i think im just r-word. like i just can't comprehend how people can balance so many things and look left and right and look at the road and read road signs and push pedals and switch gears and steer and quickly react to things all at the same time. like im not stupid, right? but why can everyone drive and i find it impossibly difficult?

in conclusion, my stepdad and i decided it would be best for me to go to therapy bc i have issues i need to resolve to be able to learn how to drive and not struggle so much. maybe im traumatised from driving with B. maybe it's my adhd. who knows. i haven't decided yet but im gonna do either cbt or nlp therapy to help me overcome my mental blocks. bc the struggle is real.

like idk. when i drove for the very first time when i didn't even have my student license, my stepdad told me that i was quite gifted and he was pleasantly surprised. i understood things quickly and progressed very well in a short amount of time. and then i started driving with B. and it all went downhill from there. and ever since i started driving with my stepdad again it's been catastrophic. i cry every time im in the car, i can't concentrate etc etc. and i don't even remember driving with B that much tbh. plus he had a manual! i have no idea how i managed to drive a manual! i remember just wishing for it all to be over and dissociating and crying. and i think that really fucked me up.

so yeah, i have until april to do the exam and i'll try my best and go to therapy to see what's up with this whole driving thing. and if i don't pass the exam then whatever, i'll try again in a couple of years when i'll be better in the head. hopefully.

#december

[virmillion]

complainin’

#lab bitches and moans #d.o///nt re///bl.og #im. like i dont know everything is so much right now and theres nothing to be done for it you know? #ive thought for a good few years now that im Not Cis but even still i question if im faking it. and then Who I Like is a whole different #game obviously. but i think i know. like i think ive got it this time which is great that i can feel confident in knowing that about myself #but like. what do i do with it. ive basically been with two people - one over the internet (doesnt make it any less valid) and one with an #asshole who dumped me bc redacted emotional baggage. like im so goddamn lonely all the time but how do i go about fixing that? how do i get #the relationship serotonin i see everywhere else. how do i stop crying into my goddamn pillow because everything happens so much but just. #just somewhere else. and like! i cant even Go Out And Meet People to achieve that bc obviously im not gonna put people at health risk to say #hello to a stranger you know? i cant do that. so like. t/ind.er maybe or one of its clones. but then i run the risk of people in my area #That I Already Know matching with me. and either i set my profile as a girl (bad) or as a boy. which would bring up questions. and then i #would have to put that i want to see boys in my search results or whatever. and then if my profile Is Boy. then thats more questions. like #obviously im not out at home (but god is that a post for a different day because i wish i were). so this is all hypothetical #the ideal would be to meet someone on campus but its online this semester and i chose to live at home for cost and safety reasons #and thats its own kit caboodle. online sucks. it sucks. like i am fully down for it id be more pissed if we were in person tbh but like. #theres talk in circles of spring being online too and i dont know if i can do this for eight more months. oh boo hoo big baby paying big #money for school cwies because its too hawd uwu so sad get over urself but like. i dont know man #im so goddamn lonely all the time and the only people i see in person are my family members half of whom think the elgeebeeteequeue communit #community should choke and die. so. thats great. and obviously i value my online friendships but i really fuckin miss Seeing People. like #thats really what it boils down to isnt it?? is just. yeah im more of an introvert and i have anxiety but i also just. im so fucking lonely #im so tired of looking to the future and just seeing nothing because i dont know what the fuck im supposed to do anymore #classes are too much because i decided that a pandemic was the perfect time to weigh down my course load #i dont care about half these classes bc theyre a means to an end basically #and i see people in zoom that i talk to in breakout rooms and id LOVE to be their friend but theyre on campus or i dont know how to start a #conversation and just. like. i dont know man. i honestly just do not know what to do anymore #if u read this far. sorry 2 take up ur time ✌️. whats ur favorite 80s song. whats ur second favorite day of the week