Batkid Groupchat
Dick: someone save me pls
Jason: What's wrong?
Dick: Gala at Wayne Manor
Dick: This guy won't stop talking to me
Jason: lol sucks to suck
Damian: Sorry Richard, I cannot attend to the situation. That would give up my hiding spot.
Damian: I meant vantage point.
Damian: If any of you tell Bruce, I will murder you.
Cass: Damian, look up
*sends photo of Damian in the rafters of Wayne Manor*
Damian: Ah, great minds think alike I see.
Tim: hold up Dick, I wanna get out of this conversation too, I'll be over in a sec
Steph: Can't relate
Steph: This is why you don't let the first billionaire who offers adopt you
Steph: then you gotta go to the stuffy parties
Steph: Duke and I are the only smart ones
Duke: Agreed, have fun at the party
Later at the Gala
*Red Hood and the Outlaws come busting through the door*
Red Hood: This is a hostage situation
Red Hood: We want Dick Grayson, Tim Drake, Cassandra Cain, and Damian Wayne.
Bruce, also desperately wanting to get out: Aren't you forgetting someone
Red Hood: Oh, right, Alfred Pennyworth
Bruce: aren't you forgetting someone else?
Red Hood: No
Bruce: Ja- Red Hood. Aren't you going to take me!
Red Hood: what would I need you for? I already have CEO of Wayne enterprises *ruffles Tim's hair, about to get fought by Tim* (under his breath: you fight back, I'm leaving you behind), a police officer, biological son of a billionaire, cool af dancer Cassandra Cain, and Alfred the Almighty
Bruce: don't you want a billionaire too?
Red Hood: If I take you, who is going to pay the ransom?
*Taking the Batkids and Alfred out of the gala as Bruce pouts*
Jason: one of you swipped Bruce's credit card before we left, right?
Tim: of course, we aren't amateurs
Jason: then ice cream on Bruce!
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Bruce’s kids detest Valentine’s day because no matter where they are he finds a way to get them their valentines gift (usually new weapons or a better suit because he’s emotionally constipated)
As for Bruce he’s too busy scheming to wonder why all his old flames, current flames, and best friends are fighting. (They want to be his Valentine)
WITH THIS OCCASION—
What Bruce gets for Valentine’s Day:
Dick: Promises not to prank him for a full week and/or reignes from the police force
Jason: A formal handshake followed by a moderate cuddling session, except it lasts way longer, because Jason falls asleep. Sleep has been damn near extinct without Bruce holding him, so, no one’s in any hurry to wake him.
Tim: Hacks LexCorp’s finance department. Surprise surprise, the owner of a mega conglomerate doesn’t pay his employees properly.
It’s just bad enough that Lex can be threatened. Bruce gets half of Lex’s workers livable wages and healthcare.
Stephawnie: A comically tiny collection of batarangs
Alfred: A week long supply of Sufganiyot; Martha’s recipe.
Damian: He and Talia handcraft Bruce a list of his enemies and tell him to take his pick! Bruce just nods and frames it somewhere. (He does pick Ra’s)
In addition to that, Talia buys his favorite perfume and hypothetically wears it over lingerie, but shhh—
Clark: Learns Bruce’s favorite planet/galaxial body and makes jewelry out of it. Law physics mean nothing to romance, and to a country boy in love.
Harvey: Very classic? Big ass bouquet of flowers. Like, Bruce disappears behind it, kind. More chocolate than he could eat. Also, lots of martial arts equipment.
Plus some nerdy Gray Ghost merchandise that, “I love you like a sin, but I will kill you if you wear this outside.”
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what i did on my vacation: walked 18 miles over three days (3->12->3), filtered water from creeks, read like 500k words of fanfiction on my phone, ate a reconstituted freeze dried creme brulee
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