#she's ultimately a good person who wants to do right by people. quiet and sometimes harsh but a good and warm person.

[bogglesgate]

Yllis sad backstory unlocked???

AAAHH okay so the short version is 'girl performs a feat of experimental magic that ends up killing her brother (who raised her and was the most important person to her in the whole wide world), proceeds to lose her hinges'.

She and her brother lived in a little place in the Lower City in Baldur's Gate while she pursued her career and apprenticeship as a wizard, but even before The Incident, she was a wizard, which meant she was subject to a certain level of self-assuredness bordering on hubris, and like many wizards, this manifested in trying to perform magic she was unqualified for. She doesn't remember what it was she was even trying to do, but it ended up with her half-blind and her brother dead.

Her response to this while nearly bleeding out from a magically-induced facial laceration was not just, "Dear gods what have I done?" it was, "Dear gods, what have I done? I have to fix this," because even having clearly just Found Out, she was still a wizard, which meant she wasn't about to stop Fucking Around.

And to a wizard who is heavily grieving and fresh out of an incredibly traumatic event, Fucking Around looks a lot like enchanting a loved one's dead body so that it won't rot and speaking to it every day while you direct increasingly concerning questions to your teacher/employer until they finally notice the haunted look that has begun settling over you and make the wise decision to cut off the arrangement before that particular pot boils over.

She got better. Eventually. Ish.

#she's in that same kind of flux state as many of the others where she's very much got the potential to be really awful. #she's ultimately a good person who wants to do right by people. quiet and sometimes harsh but a good and warm person. #but she's also spent the last like. 40 years obsessively reading books written by freaky death cultists and whatever #so she's maybe a little bit less than sane. she hides it well. #don't ask her how many bodies she dug up/experimented on/reanimated in that little house in the lower city #she'll answer you honestly if you ask but neither of you is going to be pleased with the answer. #my tav: yllis #oc lore

[th3crow]

IN MY ROOM 2— DALTON LAMBERT

DALTON LAMBERT X FEM (dead) READER

“then she gone, i can still hear her voice loom. but she only exists in the dark of my room.”

CONTAINS: cussing, bullying, mentions of ghosts, corpse features

A/N: this is inspired by Insane Clown Posse’s song, In My room. this is also part 2 to this story so i do suggest you read pt.1 before this one but if you don’t that’s okay, you’re not missing much:)

dalton let out a deep sigh, letting his hand rest against his drawing. the deep dark colors of the portrait staining he sides of his hands, his knuckles red from how hard he had been coloring and drawing. his eyes scanned his drawing, seeing if there were any flaws. to him, there wasn’t. but who knows if his art teacher would accept a drawing of a random girl that dalton had seen just last week.

“is this somebody you know?” she asked, her eyebrow raising upon seeing dalton’s work.

dalton’s mouth hung open slightly as he tried to gather the right words, his eyes moving between the drawing and his profesor. “um—no, not really.” he mumbled softly.

his professor hummed slightly to herself, her eyes observing the portrait with many emotions gleaming through her looks. “so you just…made her up?” she started, “you do realize that we as humans can’t just make a face up. it has to be from somebody or—something we’ve seen before.” her fingers moved to touch the portrait. “the cracked lips, the eye-bags. is this intentional? are you attempting to make her look like…”

“a ghost.” dalton interrupted. his gaze slightly moved towards the eyes he had drawn, one’s that looked so-dead. “i don’t know, it’s something i had a dream about.” he mumbled softly, putting the charcoal pencil down.

his professor nodded in approval. “good work, mr lambert. i’m intrigued to see where this art-piece is going.” she said, making her way to her other student’s work.

dalton smiled slightly to himself, admiring the girl from his dreams he had brought to life on his canvas. but the other part of him felt crazy, why was he seeing this? what were the meanings of his dreams and the meaning of seeing her. was she real? or was she simply a figment if dalton’s imagination.

what was this red door and who was this girl he kept seeing?

after class, dalton held tightly onto his canvas. pulling his phone out from his pocket and quickly moving through his contacts. his thumb hovered over his mother’s contact. but ultimately, he ended up clicking on his brother’s contact, listening to the line ringing.

“why are you calling me?” his younger brother’s voice echoed from the other side of the phone. dalton slightly chuckled to himself, “i’m calling because i need you to tell me everything you know about my coma.” he mumbled slightly, walking through the crowds of people.

“your coma? dude you’re asking the wrong person. i don’t remember shit other than seeing you in freaky that hospital bed in the house.” foster said, letting out a loud sigh. dalton shook his head, his eyes shifting to the covered canvas he held closely to the side of his body. “what—what about having like an imaginary friend? do you remember anything about that?” he asked.

the line went quiet for a moment. dalton continued walking, hoping to make it to his dorm room without dropping the canvas that he held close to him. “hello? you still there?” dalton said. “yeah, i’m still here.” foster replied before ultimately going quiet again. “i—i don’t know, i mean sometimes you’d talk in your sleep. but it was never anything like weird, y’know?” he stopped. “if you want to talk to someone about your coma or your childhood, i think you should call mom.”

dalton let out a sigh of defeat, shaking his head as he made his way towards his building. “alright, thanks little bro.” he mumbled softly, not waiting for foster to reply before quickly hanging up. dalton looked down at his phone, his eyes moving towards his mothers contact.

he continued walking, his eyes glued to his phone before he felt himself bump into somebody—hard. his canvas fell to the floor, the slight groan of the other person making dalton sigh as he looked up. “sorry about that.” he mumbled softly, his eyes widening once he noticed who it was.

“watcha got there?” nick said, his eyes looking at the exposed canvas that was now on the ground. “you drawing corpses or something? cause if you are, that’s really creepy.” he muttered, moving down to pick up dalton’s drawing. “the fuck even is this? this is actually kind of disturbing.” he said once he got a better look at it.

“can you just—give it back?” dalton sighed.

nick looked at the drawing before throwing it towards dalton. “take your creepy ass drawing.” he mumbled, walking by dalton. “fuckin’ art students i swear to god.” nick sighed as he made his way past dalton.

dalton shook his head, picking up his drawing as he covered it once again. his phone slightly buzzed, looking down at it (without walking this time) he slightly smiled at the text on his phone screen:

chris - 1:45 p.m.

wanna go make fun of frat ppl later?

dalton - 1:46 p.m.

sure.

dalton smiled to himself, shutting off his phone and stuffing it back into his pocket. he walked inside the dorm building, ignoring everybody who was in the hallway’s. slowly, he made his way up the dark stairway—tired from holding the canvas and his backpack everywhere.

at least there was nobody else on the stairs.

“dalton.” a voice whispered out, causing him to jump. he turned and looked all around him—even at the steps underneath him and there was nobody. dalton shook his head, continuing to walk up the stairs before he started hearing slight tapping noises.

dalton turned around, looking at the walls. but there was nothing—the tapping noises had seemed to stop as soon as he noticed them. he continued walking, attempting to block out the tapping and the slight whispers that would send chills down his spine.

suddenly, the lights in the stairway began to flicker. the whispers grew stronger and louder with each step dalton took, before he ultimately made it to his room. slamming the door behind him with all the whisper’s being locked out.

dalton shook his head, placing the drawing of the mysterious ghost girl next to the drawing of the red door. something felt off, he couldn’t pinpoint what—but he also felt like he was close to something. to remembering, feeling like he knew something.

dalton shook the feeling off. hoping that maybe it was just his artistic imagination, nothing too serious. maybe he had in fact dreamt up the girl he had a conversation with in his room a week ago, and now she was gone. the red door and the girl were simply, not real.

dalton let out a loud sigh, playing music through his phone as he opened his closet door. his eyes scanning the clothes he had, thinking about what to wear. it’s not like it was anything fancy, just a stupid frat party with stupid frat jocks who peaked in high-school and don’t know what to do with their lives anymore.

dalton picked out a shirt, taking it off the hanger while he took his own shirt off. instantly giving him goosebumps. he fumbled around with the shirt in his hands before hearing slight, tapping sounds again. dalton quickly turned around, jumping slightly when he noticed you sitting in the corner of the room. your legs pressed against your chest as your knuckles hit the wall, your eyes locked on the wall in front of you, completely ignoring dalton.

“holy shit—you scared me.” dalton mumbled. but then, the realization hit him. you weren’t a dream, he was seeing you again. you were, real. “hey—are you, are you okay?” he questioned, moving slightly towards you.

“your the one seeing dead people, you tell me.” you whispered slightly, still keeping your eyes off of dalton and on the wall in front of you. dalton had slight goosebumps at your words, following your line of sight to the empty wall in front of you. when he looked back, you were gone. “how does this not freak you out?” you whispered again, this time you were behind dalton—making him jump slightly.

“um—i don’t know, i guess i just feel like…like i’ve done this before? this all seems so—familiar. i just kind of want answers more than anything.” dalton mumbled, watching as your eyes stayed glued onto the painting of the red door. “that—do you know what that is?” dalton asked, watching as fear flooded your sunken eyes.

you opened your mouth as if to speak, but no words came out. instead slight fog started to surround you and dalton. you looked down suddenly, panic forming in your face as faint music played in the distance. you looked back, afraid of the song that grew louder and louder by the second.

“what’s that?” dalton questioned, making your eyes widen.

“don’t speak.” you whispered, your hand covering daltons mouth as you looked behind the two of you. “wake up, dalton.” you whispered before ultimately disappearing, making dalton’s body jolt.

dalton jumped, noticing that he was standing in the middle of the room. he looked around, noticing that chris was standing at the door—dalton quickly put a shirt on. “dude, why were you just standing in the middle of the room with your eyes closed?”

dalton slipped the shirt on over his head, grabbing his phone and slipping it down into his pocket—making sure he had his dorm key on him. “uhh—just thinking, you know art student things.” he said, cringing at himself for the words that stumbled out of his mouth. “cmon chris let’s go.” he whispered, putting his hand on her shoulder and leading her outside to the dorm room.

“you are so weird.” she mumbled, shaking her head as the two walked side by side in the hallway.

dalton ignored chris’s remarks, but he couldn’t shake the feeling that somebody was watching him. he looked back behind the two of them, noticing the lights behind them flickering—giving dalton goosebumps.

“jesus they need to get these lights fixed.” chris sighed, looking behind the two of them.

dalton nodded in reply, the slight whisper of his name sending chills down his spine. but instead of looking scared in front of chris, he simply sent her a fake grin as the two of them made their way towards the frat party.

#dalton lambert x reader #dalton lambert #insidious the red door #insidious x reader #insidious #ty simpkins #patrick wilson

[maydoesthings]

What comes next

pairing: Levi Ackermann x f.reader/kinda oc

(it’s supposed to be reader but there are a few things important for the story… Nothing is mentioned in this chapter but for it to make sense in later chapters Im gonna say it. She has no first name bcs I suck at names but she has a last name. Her family and her background is already set. Hair color is black)

summary: When Yelena and her people arrive at Paradis, Levi finds himself in a tricky situation.

warnings: might contain Spoiler for Season 4!, set during 4 year time skip, ooc Levi?, kinda explicit (mentions of sex and vague descriptions) <- it’s not filthy hardcore but it’s there,…

(if i forgot anything I’m sorry, it’s 4am rn)

notes: Hi! I’m back y’all. First published Levi story, yay. Soo before we start, there are going to be more parts. This is just a little intro and the moments described happened in the past, next parts ain’t going to be flashbacks. English isn’t my first language so if you find any mistakes pls let me know🙏 tips are always appreciated.

Lastly, this is kinda smutty so I’ll put a MDNI here. You have been warned, if you still proceed to read, it’s on your own risk. I cannot stop you from reading anything but at least be aware of what you’re reading! (this is like the first smutty thing I published so bear with me..)

masterlist

part I

Seeing the outside world- the ocean, finding out about the enemy- Marley, the truth about the titans,.. it was hard to process. they needed new plans- new strategies to defeat Marley. Eren was their ultimate weapon. With him on their side they had to win. But how?

When Marley send out one of their ships to Paradis, it was like a gift. The second ship marked the arrival of their new accomplices. Yelena and her people were more than helpful. But Yelena wasn’t the only one. Onyankopon, Niccolo, and her.

Normally, he wouldn’t care. A soldier from Marley is nothing special. But she was so different at the same time. It was strange that all of them wanted to help Paradis. They betrayed their own country for them.

In order to come forward with their research, they accepted Yelena’s help. They started to build outside the walls. The titans were all gone, no need to worry now. Some were forced to help, some wanted to.

Niccolo wasn’t very impressed at first. He was complaining nonstop while cooking the seafood for the scouts. After Sasha took the first bite, he shut up quickly. He was quite flustered actually. She and Yelena were there too. She found it hilarious.

Laughing loudly with a quiet ‘I told you’ at the end.

Just like Yelena and Onyankopon, she never seemed to hate the Eldians of Paradis Island. He hated it. Thinking about her. She wouldn’t leave his thoughts. He tried, he really did- she was the enemy after all. But he couldn’t. He tried to see something he wouldn’t like. And maybe he didn’t like talkative people. Or people who invade personal space. But at the same time, she was a bit shy. She would give space if he needed it.

She was the only one who dared to come closer than the rest. Even if he was supposed to be enemy. This conflict was going on for years now.

Even if he didn’t really show it, he didn’t mind her tired eyes looking into his. Or how she sometimes followed him like a lost puppy. How she always greeted him when he entered the room. The way she says his name…

‘Good morning Levi.’

‘How are you Captain Levi?’

‘Do you need anything Levi?’

‘Levi.’

But is he really that special? It’s not like he’s the only one she’s friendly with. She greets everyone. She talks to everyone the same. She always smiles when someone said something funny.

But not everyone gets a knock on their door at every possible hour of the day.

‘Could we have some tea together Levi? I think I have a few more ideas regarding…’

‘Hanges the commander, You should go to her.’ , is what he should say. But he lets her in. Every time. Conversations are nice, if it’s with the right person. He isn’t talkative, so she does the most of talking. He normally would prefer it quiet, yet he doesn’t mind the conversation. She’s always calm, it’s never about difficult topics, she stays polite,…

He wants to hate it. They notice. Everyone sees that she spends more time with Levi. But that he actually likes his time with her goes unnoticed. And it’s not like she tries anything with him. Hange said to him once that she probably tries to befriend everyone. Showing that she isn’t the enemy.

‘And you know, it’s so hard to read you, she wants to make sure that you two are on the same side!’

Hange didn’t help his problem.

He genuinely thinks that those are her true intentions. There’s this other side though. What if she’s a spy for Marley. What if she’s trying to get more information. What if she wants us to trust her so she can betray us.

But she wouldn’t do that, would she?

No.

He still has to be careful. Actually, he fucked that up too. It’s too late for being careful.

He couldn’t resist when she looked at him with those eyes. These damn eyes. And her smile. How could someone look at him this way? No one ever did. He can’t believe it. But he wants to. He wants to be selfish for once.

One evening, she would come to his door again. With two teacups in her hand.

‘Would you mind if we talk?’

He could never say no to her. So she comes in. She sets the two teacups down and starts to prepare everything. Levi just sat down. He wanted to help her, but every time he tried she refused. He doesn’t like how other people do his tea. This was his room and she, a prisoner from Marley, tells him what to do?

He accepts it. When everything is ready, she sits down with him and they drink their tea. She starts talking, he replies sometimes. It’s nice.

Somehow, their usual routine changed. She did nothing wrong. One small slip up and it was over. He was listening, until she stopped talking. Looking him directly into the eyes. The smile from before slowly fading. Did he do something wrong? Well fuck.

And then the unexpected came. She complimented his eyes. He expected everything, but not that.

‘What.’

‘Your eyes. They’re beautiful. With the grey and the little blue sparks… You don’t see that often.’ Her smile was returning.

‘Why would you say that.’

‘Huh? Because it’s the truth?’

Not a lot people made him compliments. He has gotten love letters before, or weird request. But not compliments. They either found him to scary to say that to his face, or they simply didn’t find anything to compliment. Well maybe expect on the battlefield. On how he did a good job or something like that. But not about his appearance.

They loved to comment on his height rather than his other features.

And that was his moment of weakness. He didn’t know what to say. And he didn’t. He grabbed the base of her neck and brought her forward to his face. He kissed her. He didn’t know why he did it. He didn’t know why she kissed him back, bringing her hand up to his cheek. This was his sign to stop. He pulled back and stared at her. His eyes were wide because what the fuck just happened. Why did he do it. Shit she’s going to slap him now.

She looked at him. Not one word came out. Levi did the only rational thing.

‘Don’t take that personal.’

‘I won’t.’

‘Okay.’

…

‘Will you take it personal if I do it again?’

He should’ve said no, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t say anything, so he shook his head. A tiny smile formed onto her face and she pressed their faces against each other. He didn’t mind, even if he should.

She also didn’t take it personal when they left the kitchen. Or when she sat on the bed, when he followed soon. Or when he undressed her. She didn’t mind him seeing.

He didn’t take it personal when she whispered his name. It was so different compared to the other times. Only for him to hear. It felt good.

He didn’t take it personal how she let him do things he could only dream of.

How it could even get to this point. They shouldn’t have. The only thing he could focus on was the way she looked when he touched her. This beautiful face still looking at him this certain way.

No one could know. This intimate moment together. How she moaned his name. How he held her even closer every second. How good they looked together. How good they felt.

It was so against the rules. They were from two different worlds. Their countries were at war, yet they decide to forget all that for what? The world was cruel. He wanted more of that.

No one really knew what to say afterwards. Both in his bed. He felt filthy. Not because of what they had done, but because of what he had to do now.

‘You should clean up and then go to your room again. It’s getting pretty late.’

He couldn’t even look at her. But he saw the nod in the corner of his eye. She stood up and fuck- he might do it again. It wasn’t only the sex, her in his room, his bed, he wanted that. She looked so beautiful like this.

She started collecting her clothes and just as she was about to put them back on-

‘Clean up here. You can’t go back like this.’

Only a nod again. She looked guilty. A bit sad even. Before she could really disappear in his bathroom she turned around.

‘Levi-‘

‘That wasn’t personal either. No one can find out about this. We would get into trouble, you hear me?’

It was harsh, but he had to set boundaries. This went too far already no need to make it worse.

He could only dream of what was about to come.

———

I almost forgot- Happy Birthday Levi!!

requests are always open (I need ideas please🙏🙏)

Song recommendation - White Dress by Lana Del Rey

#levi ackerman #attack on titan #captain levi #levi x reader #niccolo mentioned🔥🔥 #i’m sorry i love sasha and niccolo too much #levi aot #happy birthday levi #it’s 4am i’m done #can’t believe i actually posted smt #have been writing this for 2 hours #i’m tired

[alstroemerian-dragon]

theres something that really bothers me about the way a lot of people talk about and write peko re: her place as fuyuhiko’s “tool,” especially when it comes to like. despair. and i feel like it stems from a few different places and one of those is definitely uh. distance from the source material. because. w. did we play the same game

like. the second trial is a lot of things. annoying. about the death of a character i dont really care about. kind of confusing. Very Sad At The End. but the one thing it shows beyond any shadow of a doubt is that peko Does Not Want To Be Fuyuhiko’s Tool. she leans into it a lot in that trial, past the stupid. serial killer shit. which is literally just desperation and quick thinking on her part (and non diagetically meant to parallel the first game but whatever). but she does that because it is the only option she thinks she has if she wants to keep fuyuhiko alive. because thats her ultimate goal, right? sure, she’s his tool. sure, theyre Badly and Unhealthily codependent. sure, she was basically groomed to stay at his side no matter what. but…

she also cares about him. genuinely. she loves him. for all that teenagers can properly conceive of love in all its forms, but she at least think she does. but she does truly care about him.

did anybody do her free time events other than me? genuine question. because i dont think someone who wants to ask the guy shes sworn to protect on a date would be content being just his tool. that sure sounds like someone who wants to be on equal footing with him.

like. look. say what you want about the anime. take it with a grain of salt. cherry pick what you like and toss the rest of it out. that sure is what i do!! but even if you do that, youve got to take the text of the game itself into account if you want to have any semblance of regular characterization, and the game makes it clear that she hates this!!! she doesnt want to be his tool! she will fight him on things if she has to! she will disobey him if she has to!!! thats the whole point of the trial!!!!! he told her to run and that he would take the fall and she told him no!!!!!!!!!

and you cant ignore the fact that the time between them starting at hope’s peak and the tragedy hitting the ground running was two whole years. people can change a lot in two years, especially teenagers, and especially high schoolers. idk how long its been since you were in high school (unless you currently are in which case. dear gd im so sorry. good luck) but your mental state in high school is so fucked. you have no idea who you are and neither does anybody else and can you even imagine the kinds of pressure the ultimates would have been under?? again, taking the anime with a grain of salt, but even if you go along with it and think the school was barely a school at all, the pressure from society, from family, from peers still has an impact. everyone was telling them who they were and that thats who they were going to be for the rest of their lives and i doubt ANY of them felt like it.

and even if you subscribe to the idea, like me, that their second year was a downward spiral because of junko’s presence and influence, they still needed somewhere to fall from. the idea that peko was uniquely comfortable being quiet and violent and doing whatever fuyuhiko wanted so she didnt need despair to be his tool is ridiculous. i see the argument of “well watching her friends fall into despair and spiral made her spiral in turn and grow numb to it and retreat into herself until she needed to become fuyuhiko’s tool again as a coping mechanism” but. buddy. That Is Despair.

sometimes i feel like the only person who thinks about despair complexly and maybe thats its own post because this ones too long already but. despair isnt just Being Brainwashed Into A Monster. ignore what the writers told you. okay? look at me. Look Into My Eyes. The Writers Are Fucking Idiots And Dont Know How To Write Good Drama With Genuine Stakes. despair as a nuanced concept is so much more horrifying. different post. sorry. peko.

if peko had not been pulled down by despair just like the rest of them she would have fought tooth and nail to keep fuyuhiko above it. she would have demanded he explain to her why he was doing what he was doing. and she would have told him no.

and of course heres where i get into the accusatory part because the other place a lot of this comes from is, and im sorry, an unwillingness to write complex or nuanced women. not pointing fingers, but reducing peko down into “fuyuhiko’s tool” and “she does whatever he says without question” completely destroys any minuscule amount of agency she has. shes a fucking person. yes, shes pixels on a screen. yes, shes a representation of tropes. but diagetically, within the fiction of the game, she is a human being, and if you want to write her, and not be puppeting around a gddamn cardboard cutout, you have to think of her as a person with agency who makes her own fucking choices. sometimes those choices are taken away from her. but they shouldnt be taken away by you.

#personal #long post #peko pekoyama #danganronpa #meta #okay thats it #sorry this is so fucking long. was thinking about this for the past hour and a half #AGAIN. NOT POINTING FINGERS. NOT STARTING SHIT. IM JUST SAYIN. #1) revisit the source material 2) think about women as people… #thats all i’ll say. the post about despair as a concept will have to wait for another day #i will talk about metal gear solid in it. im sorry. #okay gnight

[ladynightlark]

Ask game!! Any demon slayer character, 20, 21 & 22!

Hi! Thank you for asking!

In honor of it being her birthday today, I’ll do Nezuko!

20. Which other character is the ideal best friend for this character, the amount of screentime they share doesn't matter?

Okay, I know this is going to sound SUPER obvious for those who’ve read my fic, but I 100% stand by the fact that Nezuko and Senjuro would totally be best friends if given the chance in canon. And if I’m being honest, Genya too.

I just love the potential of their interactions and friendship, especially given the many similarities they share (all three of them being the second oldest of their families, having protective older brothers, having “non-traditional” roles in the story/Corps, etc.). I feel like maybe after getting to know them a bit and being in a relaxing environment, all three of them would get along well (or at least have a lot to talk about).

Plus, I feel like the dynamics between them would feed into supporting each other. I don’t know, I just love the idea of them having fun and then it eventually escalating into chaos (because something about them makes me feel like they’ll either be in a quiet, productive study group/chilling in one of their bedrooms doing homework and listening to music kind of vibe or ready to rain absolute chaos and pandemonium once Nezuko and Kenya convince Senjuro to join their anarchy lol).

21. If you're a fic writer and have written for this character, what's your favorite thing to do when you're writing for this character? What's something you don't like?

I think if I had to pick one thing, it would be writing Nezuko trying to figure out the right way to interact with people. It’s fun getting to write through such a different character’s POV from canon Tanjiro, and the one thing that always seems to come up when I write her is her tendency to linger on the little details of the people she meets. I just see her as a very introspective person who, once she decides to get close to the person, wants to understand them better to be as supportive of them as she could be.

As for what I don’t like, I suppose as obvious as it may be, I would have to go with making sure I’m not writing Nezuko as another perfect copy of Tanjiro. I know that, given there are some similarities in how they were raised and their shared values in being kind/good, there are bound to be moments when they would ultimately react in a very similar fashion. However, it’s not all the time, and as easy as it would be to lean into giving Nezuko the same actions/decisions canon Tanjiro would, it wouldn’t do her character justice. So sometimes I have to go back and play around with a scene or two until it feels right and like the moment is a distinctively “Nezuko” moment.

22. If you're a fic reader, what's something you like in fics when it comes to this character? Something you don't like?

I LOVE when writers show Nezuko and Tanjiro having cute sibling moments. Even if it’s small, like them having an inside joke only they would know about or them being attuned to a change in their mood and acting in a way they typically would have when they were younger, that never fails to put a smile on my face.

Something I don’t like is when fics don’t really give Nezuko a lot of personality. I understand that, given Nezuko’s condition as a demon, she lost some of her old self and may have some trouble remembering the past or the people she’s met. However, I think sometimes fic writers forget that she does have her moments where her personality comes out, and she chooses to act on the instincts she had when she was human. I just like seeing her be more involved with fights and being connected with Tanjiro and the rest of the group (even if it’s not to the level it normally would have been).

Thank you, and have an awesome day!

#kimetsu no yaiba #demon slayer #ask #ask me questions #nezuko kamado #writer asks

[schneereggen]

Who do think guren lover more- shinya or yuu?

And please dont give answer like-" he lover both eaqually", I really want to know.

That one is a tough question. So thank you for asking, I love tough questions that are not easy to answer. Sorry for taking so long. I had this one on my draft for ages and I just wasn't able to edit it properly.

Frist of all, it's not easy to say what loving someone more exactly means. Especially if each love for both persons has a different nature. And Guren loves both Shinya and Yuu, just in other ways.

So, maybe we can approach this question by starting to look at how Guren's love for them is different.

Different types of love

Guren loves Yuu like a son. He's proud of him, he loves seeing him grow, seeing him happy. I bet Guren projects a lot about himself into Yuu. By teaching Yuu and helping him grow, Guren put a part of himself into this boy. Yuu is Guren's mentee, and Guren feels really responsible for him.

Yet Guren send to be okay with using Yuu whenever he's for good use for his plan.

Shinya on the other hand is on the same level with Guren and they compliment each other instead of staying similarities. Guren trusts Shinya, honors his different opinion and likes his company. He knows that he could always turn to Shinya though Guren never actually does involve Shinya in his problems because he doesn't want to or rather can't at that point (crumbling to dust, we all know).

How to determine which love is more important

As the way Guren loves both is very different, we need a way to compare them. The classic way is to all the question, who would Guren save when he would have to decide between both. Which one would he save and which one would he let die. The problem that comes with this choice is that I think it differs depending on the situation and the state Guren is in. Because Guren even though he's a character mostly driven by feelings, he also can make rational choices sometimes. Even though there would be pain for himself involved.

For example in a life death situation, I can see Guren deciding against Shinya, maybe because it might be the right choice in a situation even though it would hurt Guren awfully to decide it. The opposite also with Yuu.

Seemingly this method won't work because as I see it, Guren decides who he loves more mostly on the circumstances and most of all by the factor how much the other person seems to need him.

How Guren loves people by guilt

When we look at the books the person Guren is most attached and drawn to, always seems to be the person he feels needs him the most at that moment. What I mean it's that Guren is most attached to Mahiru during Catastrophe at Sixteen. He feels responsible for her, he feels he's the only one that came save her and he feels guilty for not being able to.

But when she dies, Guren doesn't think about her anymore. It's almost as he's freed from the guilt of trying to save her because he failed.

At the same time he feels guilty now for letting his friends die. Though Guren never actively felt he needed Shinya. He now wishes to have him and the rest of his friends back. To not feel guilty and and to be with them again.

So, I think, the same would apply to Yuu. Yuu is most important to Guren when he feels Yuu needs him. If Yuu doesn't need him, Guren would always choose others over him. The same way Guren often chooses people over his friends and Shinya as long as he feels they would get along quiet well on their own.

Is there really someone Guren loves most?

When we look at cabin events until now, Guren loves his friends and Shinya more than Yuu. He did a lot for them. He triggered the ultimate sacrifice to get them back. And here tires to put them out of danger.

On the other hand, he put Yuu in danger, he's ready to use him. But that doesn't mean he didn't love Yuu. Their relationship is different.

And things might change in the future. I'm not sure if Guren would cost his friends over others a second time. But in the end they are his family. The same as Yuu as kind of his son is also his family.

#owari no seraph #seraph of the end #guren ichinose #yuu hyakuya #ons #anon ask #analysis #meta

[sword-brainrot]

soooooo requesting a matchup please! feel free to delete this if you want-

my names lulu and i go by they/she. im just over 5’3”. also wear glasses but theyre not prescription

i like reading, listening to music, playing more relaxed video games and absolutely love writing. been dabbling a little with origami, foreign languages and singing (still no good at those though ^^;)

im really quiet and have a tendency to suppress a lot of my emotions but im working on it. im super shy and anxious around people but to others it sometimes seems like im cold and aloof. when i get scared or intimidated, i usually have to grab onto something or kinda aggressively fidget with my hands

im a lot more casual with people im comfortable with. pretty affectionate and give lots of headpats to basically anyone im friends with if theyre okay with it. but im not a fan of being touched unless i give permission/ask/need comfort. im also the mom friend and very protective of people i care about. but if someone else has to be the responsible one, im giddy and a bit childish. i have a tendency to ramble a lot when im passionate about something. i tend to put others first and try my best to help them and get them to appreciate themselves but feel guilty if i get anything in return

very easily flustered. could get the smallest compliment and i will be blushing, stammering, the whole package. insecure, some self esteem issues, struggle with accepting affection

what id be want in a partner is just someone whod be accepting of me?? it sounds generic, but i just want someone whod be supportive of my gender identity and asexuality and that i can be relaxed around and just generally unashamed to be myself

that was probably too much im sorry- fine with anyone thats not a tantou/child-coded. thank you very much!

I'm terribly sorry that this took so long! Hopefully you like your match. Also it wasn't too much at all! It really helped me get a good idea of who you are and what sword would connect with you!

I Match You With...

🌸 Juzumaru Tsunetsugu 🌸

♡ Juzumaru is a pretty quiet sword but he does talk! Especially when you ask him about what he is passionate about.

♡ Because he is a religious sword, he is someone who listens more than he speaks. He is a very patient person and he will wait for you to get your thoughts together if you ever need to speak about something.

♡ You seem to be a person you likes peace and quiet from what you listed for your hobbies/interests. Juzumaru is also like that. He spends much of his day meditating.

♡ He would be the type of person who loves to spend quiet time with someone they love beside them. Either you both are doing something together or simply being in the same room.

♡ I am unsure if one of the relaxing games you like is Stardew Valley, but I can see Juzumaru falling in love with that game. It would be a cute moment where you teach him how to play and have little date nights where the both of you play together.

♡ Juzumaru also likes origami! He likes to learn making new things with the paper. However, the thing he is best at is making paper cranes. Origami date nights could also be a thing. You teach him new folds to make and he will teach you what he knows.

♡ You and Juzumaru both suppress emotions. If you end up opening up to him and sharing your heart, he will start to feel more comfortable sharing his own thoughts.

♡ Juzumaru struggles with feeling like the weight of the world is on his shoulders most of the time. He is one of the Great Sword Under Heaven. People praise his name.

♡ But... He is also a Buddha sword. He wants people to reach enlightenment and to live happily... Yet he is also a tool to take lives.

♡ He feels like the job of turning people to the right path is ultimately on his shoulders and... he sadly cannot change everyone. He feels like he is a failure many times because of that.

♡ He is used to listening to others worries and concerns that he never considered that it was also okay for him to lean on someone else as well.

♡ You are a very supportive person and caring. Spending enough time with him will help read him better and see on the days he is struggling the most. Even if he doesn't talk to you right away, knowing you are by his side will lift the weight from his shoulders.

♡ Juzumaru wouldn't be the type to touch you without permission. He strongly stands by his beliefs in every form they were written. So if he ever wanted to touch you, even if it's to wipe something off your face, he would ask for verbal consent first.

♡ He would also ask for you to do the same for him.

♡ On the topic of touching - I headcanon Juzumaru to also be asexual. Either way, he would totally be accepting of your sexuality and gender identity. If anything, he would just ask a few questions about parts of it he does not understand so he can support you better!

Top Three Picks: Juzumaru Tsunetsugu, Hizamaru, Hacchou Nenbutsu

#Matchups #Touken Ranbu #Touken Danshi #Tourabu #Touken Ranbu Headcanons #Touken Ranbu Imagines #Touken Ranbu x Reader #TKRB #TKRB Headcanons #TKRB Imagines #TKRB x Reader #Juzumaru Tsunetsugu #Juzumaru Tsunetsugu x Reader

[marshmallowprotection]

I'm back with my thoughts on Saviour Unknown :) More specifically Wisteria. Cause, like, sometimes I forget just how genuinely scary she can be at times! It's always fun for me to check out how the 'Mint Eye' versions of cmc's turn out in terms of their personalities, and Wisteria is menacing. It's so fascinating to me just how loyal she is to Unknown - for good and for worse. Like, for example, my cmc has this whole inner conflict in her regarding just where her loyalties lie. When she realizes that she puts Unknown's well-being above the Mint Eye's mission? It messes her up for a while. She starts actively plotting her own plan of action only when things start to go really sour. But Wisteria? Boy oh boy she will not hesitate. I'd say she's scarier than Unknown himself, in a way. She knows her way around people, and she will do what needs to be done. And her deciding to get rid of their Savior? Yeah I would not want to stand in her way lol

Now that's what I call a power couple

My absolute favorite thing about Unknown's MC is often that you have to be not only strong-willed but capable in your own right. It doesn't matter if you choose to be compassionate and unwavering with kindness, or harsh to survive in a landscape where all you want out of this is to protect the man you've realized isn't a monster.

The MCs that walk through the valley of shadows with Unknown are most often the most complex in my eyes because of the sheer depth of what Mint Eye will do to you, and if you can handle how far you're willing to fall for him... how far you're willing to go make his dreams a reality or stop him from corrupting himself.

In Lila's case, no, in Wisteria's case, Rika's failure was deciding that she needed to bind Unknown's assistant to him. She thought it was perfect that way. Unknown was unwavering to her by this point, and she thought throwing him a bone would keep him placate enough to get the task done. Of course, by throwing him a bone, I don't mean it in the way she did with Ray. No, she took the unknown variable in his life and ensured that it wouldn't question him or Mint Eye instead of her waiting to see if it would remedy itself.

Rika didn't account for one thing. She didn't know who Lila was or how far she would go for others. She assumed Lila was a meek and weak-willed person for falling into Unknown's trap. That means that she imagined Lila would crumble beneath the elixir and do the tasks he demanded without question.

Rika assumed she knew best by this point in her long reign as Savior because she's never "been wrong about anything". Pride is often the death of people, you know? Her mistake became Wisteria's success in the Bad Ending. Her inability to see that there are people who are committed to taking care of others beyond any reason became her undoing in the end. That's Rika's ultimate folly.

The elixir didn't burn out Lila's devotion. Her best and worst character trait is that she's devoted to others. She will fight for the people she's close to even if she's afraid... even if her voice is quiet and broken the second she speaks up. The combination of elixir and Rika's words for her that said she "could be with Unknown as long as she ensured his goals became a reality" is the key.

In her haze that burned at the back of her throat like hot magma, Lila decided her devotion was her survival. That's why she takes the name of Wisteria, after all. Climbing vines that never die. Invasive briars that twist and cover the landscape in its bold image. In Korea, the Wisteria flower carries the meaning of devotion that transcends death. So, if it means devotion beyond the confines of fear in your morality? Should you not be afraid of it?

If someone is loyal to something to the point that they'd risk their life and soul on protecting them... well, you're right. You don't want to be in a position of fighting that person because they will end you if they are given the chance. That's the defining factor of who Wisteria is if pushed. She is a loving person, she is Lila, but a Lila who was beaten down and pushed to the brink of her sanity. After suffering with her family in America for so long, Unknown was the first person to get in her ear and say—

"You should be angry. Get angry. If you are mistreated, let that fire out and burn it." And by God, if she didn't want to feel it. She doesn't want to hurt others or cause pain, but for him... for his peace... for his joy... for his freedom from his pain... she would bloody her hands with no remorse. Her devotion remains on Unknown and Unknown alone. Anger doesn't always feel good... but being with him like that made her feel alive.

If Rika wanted to control Unknown for sure, she should've used Lila in a way that made her devoted to Mint Eye proper... convinced her with a smile on her face to follow Rika and only Rika. But, she didn't. That's her fault. She had too much confidence in how well she's been able to manipulate Saeran.

The sad thing is that Unknown didn't want to hurt her with the elixir. She was never meant to go into the apartment. He wanted to have a plaything assistant because he was struggling to find the right pawn and assumed an outsider would know what to do. In the end, that did become the fate Wisteria served for him. She saw his plans and took to heart how to make it better and how to win.

That's why she found a target to win Saeyoung's heart. That's why she smirked into Unknown's embrace and promised that they would get everything he ever wanted as soon as Saeyoung fell into this trap. She took every skill she ever learned in her life and used it to her gain and benefit. Her small stature, her bubbly demeanor, her enjoyment of cute things... everything about her screams "good girl".

If Unknown wanted to destroy them, she would use everything she had to get his victory... no matter how twisted it might become. It's not even personal! It's just her devotion to protect him the way that he attempted to protect her from harm in Mint Eye. She saw hurt in his eyes underneath the detached anger and malice, and he wanted to feel her innocent whispers against his throat because it happened to be the first thing that made him feel alive in years.

Don't get me wrong, he wants revenge and that's his goal. He didn't love her at first sight. But, her ability to survive like a Wisteria made him respect her a lot. She never tried to be stronger than him or did anything to step out of line. She listened to him, gave him a chance, and made his heart thick with desire. It's not very clear what that is at first, either. You might assume they're just infatuated with each other. But, the way they cling to one another...?

They're kindred spirits, confused, lost, and glad to have found each other somehow. You just can't admit that kind of thing... so they fell into a place of "boss and assistant." Where the boss keeps getting so very close to revealing secrets to the assistant... and the assistant is so very close to leaning over the desk to feel his whisper against her lips.

Unknown and Wisteria have unspoken devotion and loyalty to each other.

That's why she hisses and glowers at Saeyoung when he comes to Mint Eye. "I don't hate you because you did me wrong. He hates you, so that means I hate you. He wants to destroy you and that means I'll do whatever it takes to make him happy. He saved me and I want to save him from ever being hurt again. He won't ever get hurt again on my watch."

Or why Unknown becomes inconsolable with vinegar in his veins when Lila is removed from his quarters while he's away. He warns each and every believer that he doesn't care if the Savior told them they had to take her. "When I find out which one of you ripped the hair out of her head when you were only meant to escort her to the basement? I'll make sure the only thing left of you is a single strand of hair."

I don't think Wisteria or Unknown are able to understand just how much they mean to each other until the Secret Ending happens. It rips them apart by cruel fate for months. Saeran blames himself for her unwavering devotion to the point that she almost gave up her life to stop him and Lila blames herself for not trying harder to get them out of Mint Eye before it came to that point. They were both afraid of the world and their fears consumed them.

In a healthier timeline, they are reunited and learn how to exist the way they want without being afraid of their feelings and desires to thrive.

But, in the darker timeline? In the timeline where Wisteria realizes that Rika is never going to take care of Unknown's desires? That's going to be the darkest reality for everyone simply because of how much those two are willing to burn to be together. Unknown has a problem with following through on his plans. That's why he always wavers in the canon Mystic Messenger routes.

He lets MC go into the apartment and figure it out alone. He lets those events play out without trying to control them. If he pushed harder to control them... he would've won faster and cleaner. That's why there are plenty of reasons to fear Wisteria. She sees his failing and fixes it. She sees a bug in her way and crushes it. She sees the lies and deceit and knows the only way to win is to get rid of them.

That's why Rika crumbles the way she does. Wisteria gets into his ears... and Unknown is already wary of his Savior because of the big event that created Wisteria in the first place. So, Unknown listens to her before his Savior. They manipulate the situation together and get Saeyoung to surrender to them in a matter of weeks. Wisteria smiles through her teeth as Unknown tortures his brother to learn the best way to take his place.

She and Unknown take the places of Saeyoung and Minji in the chatroom when all seems to be a failure for them. Wisteria takes incredible care of manipulating the RFA one by one until they're all unable to see anything but her words. They come to Mint Eye and make Rika believe that things are going her way... until Wisteria is able to pull the rug on that, too. She makes Rika think that she has everything she ever wanted.

And then she destroys it.

All for Saeran.

She bends V's arm and makes him choose between two evils. Does he submit to Rika and let his friends suffer? Or, should he submit to Saeran and accept that Wisteria wants to let him create a paradise without suffering for anyone [we're not counting him and Saeyoung]? There are two evils to choose from but only one of them ensures that people won't be doused in elixir for the rest of their lives. V takes the deal. Rika loses her composure, tries to attack everyone in the room, and is left without power as the RFA decides that Saeran should take her place as Savior.

After all... he revealed the truth to them and showed that they were being conned from the start. Mint Eye can be a place of salvation in the darkness now. As long as Rika, Saeyoung, and V face their true punishment by Unknown's hand and Wisteria gets to stand right by his side and watch.

Oh, dear, you don't need to be afraid of the Savior's wife, Wisteria... that is unless your name is Rika, V, or Saeyoung... then you should be afraid.

#i like when woman go a little evil #cmc #assistant lila au #wisteria x unknown #unknown x wisteria #unknown x lila #ask #mod kait #natasha in space

[stressed-chaos]

Memories - Part 4

Any guesses on who this Harry is? Anyway, hope you enjoy the fourth part!

(Gif not mine)

The atmosphere became eerily silent which seemed more like the aftermath of an earth-shattering disaster. This talk wasn't exactly earth-shattering, otherwise they both wouldn't even be alive but it surely was life-shattering for both of them. For Y/N, due to nervousness of having driven her new friend and probably her only chance at finding herself away. For Benjamin, it was due to his joy, shock and also nervousness. Funny how both husband and wife were having the same feelings, over the same topic just due to different reasons. Joy isn't all that good sometimes.

Seeing Ben frozen like a stag in headlights, she was about to do what she does best, Reassure, Apologize and Run, they were like her personal three R's, just one of them was an 'A'.

However, when the initial shock faded, she did not expect the first thing he said to her to be this.

"What about Tom?"

"What about him?"

"Does he know?"

"Okay, I don't know if you're referencing the song or if it's genuinely a question."

This earned her a little chuckle, trust his missus to make a reference or a joke out of almost anything, making her internally pump her fist in the air. At least he wasn't mad, even though there was no reason for him to be.

"It was a question."

"Oh...even though I really want to listen to the song right now, I'm going to answer that. No, he doesn't. I mean I didn't tell him, though he's been talking to me like I'm a little child. It's a little...well, um, disturbing?" it sounded like a question even if she was sure it was...more or less.

"I guess," he was relieved at that, something about Tom didn't seem right, almost as if he was hiding something. And he was kind of sure it was beyond just jealousy.

Plus, if Tom knew a lot about Y/N, shouldn't he know that she and Ben are married? Not that many people knew about it, it was their not-so-secret, secret. They were subtle about it, not really wanting to hide their obvious love for each other anymore. Also, they talked a lot about each other in interviews, if he does know as much as does, even if he didn't want to acknowledge it. That's why the jealousy, he concluded.

The man was so lost in his thoughts didn't even realize Y/N's heart was shattering piece by piece. She felt like her heart was playing a drum, maybe having a loud orchestra inside and the tune merged with the situation was a dagger to her heart. She felt like she died today more times than Loki did.

Why was she said, you ask? She was sad cause she lost her only hope. I mean, sure, she had met many people, but the feeling of knowing him and remembering him was desperate. It was muscle memory.

But, every dark cloud has a silver lining. Even though this was a dark as heck cloud for both, everything Ben said next surpassed the feeling she has when she finds a unique, too-good-to-be-put-into-words book. It surpassed the happiness she had when Harry Potter came back to life in the Deathly Hallows. She thought if it would surpass the feeling of Tony Stark being revealed alive or a One Direction reunion..but since she hasn't heard the news, she really wishes she does soon, she can't really say. Maybe it will...maybe not.

"I know you. You know me."

This was all it took for her to mend her almost disappearing-from-existence heart and for her to jump from her seat put him in a bone crushing hug. She clung to her like her life depended on him and to an extent, it did. She was beaming with happiness, clinging to him like a koala and thanking him over and over again, not caring the shhh's she heard from the people reminding her that a library is supposed to be 'a quiet place.'

Ben sighed happily, gave her an elated kiss on the cheek, returning her happiness with his own. Y/N was so overjoyed that she could kiss him but ultimately decided against it. It would be pretty weird to kiss him without knowing their relationship and this had absolutely nothing to do with Ben's chiseled face.

Finally calming herself and breaking apart, although they both internally they both frowned at the lack of warmth that contact brought, not letting it show. As cliche as it sounds, she felt and he knew, they fit like two puzzle pieces.

Just as she was about to ask Ben about her life this time, she was interrupted yet again, this time by one of her friends. It's a running into people day or what? her internal voice questioned as she groaned. Thankfully, only Ben heard her, who chuckled at her her eagerness making her snap at her head almost too fast, fortunately she didn't get a whiplash.

"Y/N!"

"Chloe!" clearly her enthusiasm didn't match her friend's. Ben wasn't sure if her friend, who he hasn't surely met before, was just oblivious or if she ignored her friend's tone at greeting her.

They both asked about their reasons for being there at the same time and after a 30 seconds silence, Chloe answered first.

"I was returning from the hospital, saw you here and thought why not chat. I have something to tell you."

"Wait...hospital? Are you good? Is Harry alright?" worry evident in her voice.

"We're both wonderful, calm yourself." They both didn't realize that Ben was patiently waiting to be included or at least be introduced. He not-so-subtly started tapping his foot, making both of them turn to look at him, a little embarrassed. He noticed that Chloe's eyes stayed on him for a little too long and he was sure Y/N saw it too, since she tried to get her attention away.

"Right, sorry, uh, Chloe, this is Ben, a friend of mine and Ben this is Chloe, also a friend of mine."

Ben was sure he heard her mumble something along the lines of "Though I'm not sure why."

Ben and Chloe both shook hands and Ben had to almost force his hand out of her grip. This is getting weird.

So...story time. Y/N knew Chloe through Harry. Now Harry was a regular at the library she worked at and she met her almost a year ago, after her pretty much new life began. He was an avid reader like herself and they exchanged reviews and recommendations on a lot of books, thus becoming fast friends. He even stayed late with her at work just so he could safely walk her home. Harry was a pretty nice man. Now Chloe...she didn't really have many words to describe her. They met when Harry brought her to Y/N's workplace one day and they both recognised each other through Harry's stories of them. She was very much different from him, no wonder Y/N was surprised when she found out they were married. She wasn't expecting to get along with her much but to her surprise, she did.

Until one unfortunate day, Y/N visited their house as she wanted to borrow a book from Harry, that book was surprisingly not in the library and she very much wanted to read it. When Harry found out about it, he immediately offered her his copy. When she reached to take that book, she found Chloe inside, (she already let herself in after receiving a muffled response from somewhere and the door was unlocked), who was too busy to pay attention to her because her mouth and attention was attached to another man, who clearly wasn't her lovely husband.

When she cleared her throat in shock of what happened, they both broke apart faster than lightning could strike them and stared in shock at the girl who was internally planning on breaking this news to Harry. Honestly, that man was so much in love with his wife, she knew he would be devastated if he ever found out about this. But she couldn't let her only friend (Tom's not really considered) being cheated on.

Y/N really doesn't know how it happened, but Chloe managed to convince her that she was being assaulted while the man was giving her weird looks. He ran before Y/N could lunge at him and when she suggested calling the police, Chloe told her that it was fine. Y/N was not really sure how she got convinced that Chloe was telling the truth but nobody knows about this incident except for her and Chloe.

She has been keeping an eye on her ever since, not really trusting her anymore. This made her suddenly showing up a little surprising but probably that was the point.

"Are you really sure he's a friend?" Chloe asked while raising an eyebrow and eyeing Ben like a predator looking at their prey, causing him to get uncomfortable under her stare. She also seemed a little closer to him now, he didn't notice that before.

Y/N, sensing the situation, quickly intervened with a weird feeling in her guts, "Okay...okay, you got me. We are on a date," she replied while grabbing Ben's arm and trying to sound guilty, surprised at her acting skills.

Ben inwardly smiled, he knew jealous Y/N was making an appearance. He loved when his better half got jealous because she got extra loving and extra protective over him. It gave him hope that maybe he hasn't lost her completely after all.

#ben barnes #benjamin barnes #benjamin thomas barnes #sebastian stan #sirius black #ben barnes x you #ben barnes x reader #ben barnes x y/n #benjamin #fanfic #fanfiction #Memories #bin bons

[recreancyrpg]

Welcome to Recreancy, Dani!

You have been accepted for the role of SIRIUS BLACK!

It had left them behind too easily, had let them die. And so bitterness towards the Order has festered, especially now that there are talks of a spy in their ranks. The Order Sirius had thrown himself into is splintering, it feels, and so he is taking matters into his own hands, finding magic that will get done what needs to be done.

Please take a look at the new member checklist and send in your account within 24 hours!

OUT OF CHARACTER:

NAME & PRONOUNS: Dani, she/her

AGE: 29

TIMEZONE: MST

ACTIVITY LEVEL: I try to get on and post a few times a week, and I make use of my queue always, but especially when things are going to be busier than usual for me! So I shouldn't have a problem meeting the activity minimum requirements.

ANYTHING ELSE:  Triggers: Self-Harm, Suicide, Suicide Ideation, Eating Disorders, Panic Attacks, Domestic Abuse

CHARACTER DETAILS:

NAME: Sirius Orion Black iii

AGE: 24

GENDER, PRONOUNS, and SEXUALITY: 

In modern terminology, Sirius would identify as gender-fluid demiromantic pansexual, and he would use he/they/occasionally she pronouns.

But, it's the 80s, so If someone were to ask Sirius his gender and sexuality, he would quirk a brow and scoff and let out a bark of laughter because what sort of daft question is that? Sirius isn't quiet about who he is, though. Those closest to him - and those in the Order - know he openly identifies as a bisexual man, using he/him pronouns.

While Sirius is open and loud and himself, he does keep some struggles to himself. Such as the many times he has passed frilly shop windows and imagined being able to wear whatever clothes he wants that he sees, or wished he could be as comfortable in his own skin as the ever-androgynous David Bowie. Sirius doesn’t always feel exactly right in the body he has, and he doesn’t understand it even a little bit. After all, it’s hard enough to deal with a war; he wouldn't even know where to begin in dealing with something like gender identity. If he were to give it much thought, though, he might like the idea of trying out a new label or some new pronouns at some point. For him, I think, it's also a matter of exposure, as he hasn't really been introduced to different gender identities, so as of yet it just simply hasn’t been an option to be anything other than what he is.

BLOOD STATUS: Pureblood 

HOUSE ALUMNI: Gryffindor 

ANY CHANGES: Not that I can think of!

CHARACTER BACKGROUND:

PERSONALITY: 

The first word that should come to mind when thinking of Sirius Black is rebellious. He was born with a wild rebellious streak that began the moment he was old enough to make choices for himself. When given the option between A and B, Sirius would always choose C, because why not? Sirius' rebellion ultimately led him to Gryffindor, to making friends with those of "lesser" blood status, to permanently magicked posters of scantily clad muggle women on the walls of his childhood bedroom… Sirius wanted nothing more than to displease his parents, and he found he could control their ire through rebellion. It's become second nature, wanting to do the opposite of whatever is said, sometimes simply for the sake of it. Sirius is too headstrong and stubborn, and when he sets his mind to something - be it good or bad - the world had better watch out. 

But the same can be said of his loyalty, for as unwavering as he is in his own beliefs and view of the world, he is just as unwavering a friend to have by your side. Loyalty is so important to his character that his Animagus counterpart is that of a large, black dog. It takes a lot for Sirius to turn on his friends, for he would rather lay down his life than betray those closest to him. It may take a lot to get to that point with him, as he doesn’t often let people really get close to him in ways that matter. But once you’re in, you’re in. And being Sirius’ friend, being on his good side, allows people to see the best in him. 

He is quick-witted and naturally intelligent - spellwork has always come easily to him, and he has excelled at dueling, which has been useful in the Order. Sirius is a quick-learner, easily picking up on things without needing to put forth much effort, a trait that was ever-infuriating for his teachers in school. But it has served him well as he’s begun to dabble in Dark Magic, all too easily. He is loud and boisterous, burning as brightly as the star for which he is named. His sense of humor is quick and smart, and he is barking laughter and poorly timed jokes and puns upon puns. But, his humor can verge on cruel, and it’s often that he takes jokes too far at the expense of others. Sirius doesn’t really care, though, because he thinks he’s funny, and James usually does, too, and that’s all that really matters. 

Sirius can be cruel and ruthless, and it’s rare that he ever thinks things through before acting. Impulsivity could be his middle name. He was never the planner of the group, and when it came to pranks he was more the ideas man, the one to take things just a bit too far and be reigned in by the others. But their more brilliant pranks - the Great Swimming Pool Fiasco of ‘76, for example - were thought up by him and his wickedly brilliant mind. For it’s easy to come up with pranks when he cares so little for the consequences they may bring, and that’s an attitude that he lives by. What’s life without a little risk, after all? But Sirius fails to realize that, in war, the risks he’s willing to take may end in lives lost - such as Benjy Fenwick. Poor planning, lack of foresight, and a reckless abandon are all reasons why Sirius cannot be entrusted with Order leadership, frustrated as he may be by that. He isn’t terribly self-aware, and so he doesn’t see his flaws as they are. He is ruled by his emotions, and that often clouds his judgment and controls his reactions, being far more reactive to situations and people than he really needs to be.

BRIEF OVERVIEW OF FAMILY:

The surname Black holds much weight in the Wizarding world, and Orion and Walburga Black were prepared to hand their firstborn the world on a silver platter. He was the heir, destined to head the Black household and carry on the family name. And so, from a young age, he was provided with the very best the magical world could offer. He was never left wanting, governesses at his beck and call from a young age. But the world he was born into came with strings attached, and blood purity was drilled into his head. Orion and Walburga Black would instill into their children that they are superior for being Blacks, for being Purebloods, for the magic that has run in their veins for centuries. Toujours Pur. Since learning to speak, he has been told that that is the most important phrase he will ever know. Always pure. It has little meaning for him, yet he knew not to question it.

From the very beginning, pureblood ideology and a sense of supremacy is ingrained into his mind. He is taught to believe that to be a Black, to be a pureblood is to be royalty. He believes it. He spent the majority of his childhood being trained to be the perfect pureblood heir. He attended many pureblood only balls and events, and was taught the proper way to mingle with other purebloods. He learned manners and etiquette, and he was expected to be a proper child. There were never many other children at the balls, but he was often reminded that it was improper to run about and make a fool of himself like ordinary children; he was, after all, anything but ordinary.

Sirius studied magic from the age of three, and his mother didn’t shelter him. He learned about the Dark Arts, about mudbloods and muggles, about the purity of blood and the inherent privilege that came with it. He learned about his superiority as a wizard over all other magical creatures, about how their rightful place was in subservience to him. By the time he was six years old, he knew many things. He knew that house elves were worthless – he made sure Kreacher knew it – and that all half-breeds, werewolves especially, deserve to be treated like the animals they were. He knew that mudbloods were just as bad as muggles, and neither of them deserved to even breathe the same air as true magical folk. He knew that some families were better than others, and the Blacks were superior to all.

But that didn’t mean that Sirius didn't question everything he knew.

Children are often prone to asking “why,” but none so much as Sirius. It became a favorite word of his, a weapon he could wield at a young age against his parent’s control. Why brought Walburga and Orion a child they could not mold to their liking, for their answers of blood supremacy were never good enough for Sirius. He wanted to know why their blood made them better, why muggles and mudbloods were so different, why why why. Walburga and Orion were never able to give satisfactory enough answers, and so Sirius questioned everything. It was only natural, given his proclivity for rebellion.

By the time he reached Hogwarts and was sorted into Gryffindor, his parents had all but given up hope on him becoming the heir they had so desperately wanted to raise. They kept their claws in him, kept on him, but their attention turned to molding Regulus, instead, as Sirius showed no signs of slowing down.

His beliefs, though once harsh, have changed drastically, thanks to the Marauders. They opened up his eyes to a bigger world, one outside of his bubble of privilege. But, prejudice and bias die hard, and Sirius, though try as he might, hasn’t been able to escape his old beliefs. As the war rages on, he finds himself growing more and more bitter, more and more susceptible to old ways of thinking. He doesn’t like that he still has these prejudices, and he is aware of them and the fact that they are due to his upbringing, but that doesn’t change the fact that he can’t shake them.

OCCUPATION: 

Sirius has been a bartender for various wizarding establishments, not able to hold down a position at any single place for long due to his involvement with the Order and propensity to prioritize most other things over work. Work is boring, after all, and Sirius has bigger things to worry about. As of late, he's finally managed to convince Caradoc Dearborn to give him a job bartending at the Flaming Dragon. It's the perfect fit, Sirius thinks, as Dearborn should understand when his other priorities are more important. Besides, it's the perfect location to learn more about the Dark Arts he's been dabbling in without arousing too much suspicion.

LIVING SITUATION: 

Sirius currently resides in a cheap, dumpy flat on the East side of London. It’s a studio apartment filled with the bare minimum to survive. Sirius could magic the inside to be larger, but he finds it oddly satisfying to live as muggle-like as possible, because just imagine what his parents would say. He had used his inheritance from his Uncle Alhpard to acquire the place after graduation, and had lived off of the inheritance while throwing himself headfirst into the war. But, funds have run short, and Sirius may soon be looking for a roommate, or a new place to live if he keeps not making rent.

ORDER OF THE PHOENIX: 

While Sirius is talented and gets things done, he is considered too much of a wild card to be entrusted with leadership in the Order. So, he takes on missions, often as a follower, and does his part with vigor and excitement. Because it's exciting fighting Voldemort, isn't it?

But what was once boyhood excitement about fighting alongside his best friends has recently turned to bitterness. Sirius is upset, and he feels that the Order doesn't do enough. It didn't do enough to find James and the other captives, and so they had been tortured for months while the Order moved on. It had left them behind too easily, had let them die. And so bitterness towards the Order has festered, especially now that there are talks of a spy in their ranks. The Order Sirius had thrown himself into is splintering, it feels, and so he is taking matters into his own hands, finding magic that will get done what needs to be done.

RELATIONSHIPS: 

James Potter - James Potter forever changed Sirius' life. If it hadn't been for their fateful meeting on the Hogwarts Express, Sirius' life would have gone very differently. James is his brother, in every way a person can be, his person, and he would be lost without him. He was, when James was dead. It had been the unthinkable, losing part of himself, and it had broken Sirius in ways he didn't know he could break. But then James had come back, and suddenly it was okay again. Except, this time, Sirius knows they aren't invincible now, and that terrifies him, because he doesn't know what he'd do if he were to lose James again. So, he won't. And he's willing to do anything to keep James safe, even if that means fighting fire with fire. Sirius isn't very open with James about his recent use of the Dark Arts, but what does it really matter if it helps? He’s not exactly keeping secrets, people know about it, and if James disapproves… Sirius doesn’t care, for once, as long as it keeps them all safe.

Remus Lupin - Prejudice dies hard, and that has proven itself far too true in light of the splintering friendship between Remus and Sirius. Part of Sirius is angry with himself, for letting Remus' lycanthrophy interfere with their friendship after all these years. But - Sirius can't help but think that, if there were to be a spy, wouldn't Remus have the most to gain? He spent plenty of time running with the werewolves, and they have more to gain from Voldemort's promises, don't they? It's not like regular society is offering them anything. Still, while Sirius knows his thoughts are based in bias, based in old fear and hatred, there is a spy, and he can't get it out of his head that it's Remus. He hopes it isn’t, hopes that he’s actually wrong about something. But if the spy is Remus, if Remus is the reason that James was captured, then Sirius won’t hesitate to act.

Peter Pettigrew - Sirius loves Peter, of course he does, but who the hell does Peter think he is, trying to take James’ place? It seemed he jumped at the opportunity, like the rat he actually is, the second James was gone. And now that James is back, things haven’t returned to normal, and Sirius doesn’t like that. He doesn’t like this new version of Peter very much, and he’s just waiting for the bloke to finally go back to being, essentially, spineless. 

Lily Evans - Lily was not someone that Sirius planned on becoming friends with. He couldn’t stand her, thought her to be a know-it-all, goody two shoes. She had a terrible taste in friends, after all, since she was so close to Snivellus. But, then James finally started dating her, and Sirius was forced to accept her into his life. It took some time, but he eventually came around to her, and once he decided that she was a friend then it was over. Lily became like a fifth Marauder to Sirius, and she was just as important to him as the boys. Then, James died, and it was the two of them mourning him. Sirius cried with Lily, leaned on her in ways he’s never relied on anyone before as they tried to navigate life without James. Now, she’s gone and broken James’ heart, and Sirius can’t help but be mad at her. But she’s still just as important to him, even if he’s mad at her.

Alice Longbottom - Sirius never expected to get along so well with Alice Longbottom. He knew of her well enough growing up in Pureblood society, knew of her well-respected family. It wasn’t really a surprise to see Alice in the Order, especially since Frank was so involved. But, since working together, they’ve grown closer. Sirius enjoys Alice’s company, and he thinks she’s a talented, capable witch. Outside of the Marauders and Lily, he considers Alice a friend, and maybe even something of a confidante.

Severus Snape - Old hatreds run deep, and Sirius hates Severus Snape. Nothing will ever change that, and Sirius is perfectly content with that. Because while he doesn't trust the bloke farther than he can throw him, Snape knows about things that have caught Sirius' curiosity in recent months. Snape knows damn well about the Dark Arts, and when Sirius was desperate enough, he sought him out. It was a last ditch effort, but desperation leads men to do things they normally wouldn't. Sirius approached it as simply wanting to learn more to better understand their enemies, but they're both smarter than that. Sirius doesn't know for sure if Snape knows that he's actively practicing the Dark Arts now, but he intends to keep that as quiet as he can from him.

Dirk Cresswell - Sirius doesn’t get what his big problem is. Yeah, Benjy died, but that was just as much Dirk’s fault as his, wasn’t it? Neither of them had been able to save Benjy, but - life went on. It had to, because this was war. But Dirk can’t seem to move on, and Sirius finds himself growing increasingly frustrated with him. People are going to die, and that’s just a harsh reality that Dirk needs to get over. Once he does, then maybe he can be of use again. Because Sirius may need help in the future, and he needs someone as willing to volunteer to help as Dirk had been the first time around.

Evan Rosier - If there had been suspicions of a spy amongst their ranks when Sirius had first joined the Order, he would have pointed fingers at Evan Rosier without hesitation. He knows the Rosiers, knows their type, and it had surprised Sirius at his first Order meeting when he'd walked in and saw Evan. But, over the years, he's proven himself loyal, has even saved Sirius' ass a couple of times returning injured from mission. Sirius trusts Evan Rosier, something he never thought he'd be able to say.

Lucinda Talkalot - Lucinda is loud. She's a lot, and she knows that he's dabbling in Dark Magic. She should get doing what needs to be done, having lost her brother, but she's too young and naive to really understand it, so Sirius brushes her off. He doesn't take her seriously, and he thinks that maybe she's just got something to prove, and that's why she is the way that she is. But Sirius doesn’t have time to deal with people who have something to prove, ironic as that may be coming from him, and so he doesn’t give Lucinda the time of day. If he were to, they might actually get along.

Edgar Bones - It hasn’t escaped Sirius’ notice that Edgar thinks he’s the shit, and he eats it all up. Edgar has good taste, after all, because, really, Sirius is the coolest Marauder. Everyone knows that, or at least they ought to. But maybe there could be more to the relationship than one-sided hero worship - Sirius sees in Edgar an ally, someone he can call upon to help do his bidding. And there may come a time when he needs an ally like that, especially now that Dirk won’t talk to him and Benjy got himself blown up.

OOC EXPLORATION:

SHIPS/ANTI-SHIPS: So my only real main ship is Sirius/Chemistry! Especially in the environment of this game, that's the most important thing. But I do love me some angst and pain, so bring it on. My only real anti-ship is Sirius/Severus, because Sirius just really doesn't like Snape and never will.

INTERPERSONAL STRUGGLES: 

I feel like Sirius isn't totally open about his use of Dark Magic, or at least he denies it and lies about it to those he’s not very close with, so it would be interesting to see it get out more and the consequences of him taking those actions, regardless of how well-intentioned they may be. Sirius is also very distrustful of a few people in the Order right now, and it's putting strains on some of his relationships, especially on the Marauders. Together, they're unstoppable, so it will be interesting to see how their failing friendship affects how well they're handling the war and fighting. Sirius is also Not Happy about what happened to James, and I can see him wanting to find the people who took him. He is on a dark path, now, and that makes him even more volatile than he usually would be.

WHAT ARE YOU MOST LOOKING FORWARD TO? 

I think it's a really interesting dynamic that's been created within the Order, and I'm really excited to see how characters develop and change because of it! I love dabbling in the Black-influenced side of Sirius, too, and I think that this environment is a great opportunity to do so. Because while Sirius is a very good person, I think a lot of that is due to him being sorted in Gryffindor and befriending James Potter. Without his influence, I think Sirius would be a very different person. Not all of that is inherent, but Sirius definitely has a cruel, cunning streak in him (i.e. that time he almost got Snape killed). A lot of it is in his nature, and some remains from his upbringing; our early years and development have a huge impact on the people we become. So, I think it’s interesting, especially in the state of the world as it currently is, to play with just what parts of Sirius’ personality become more dominant. Especially in regards to the war’s influence and the harsher actions that are sometimes required, I think it’s a really great opportunity to combine together his ruthless, cunning cruelty and the person the Marauders helped him become to create something totally new.

PLOT DROP IDEAS (OPTIONAL): I think it would be interesting, at some point, to see some sort of fracture or something within the Order. I imagine there are going to be differences in opinions on how things have been handled thus far, and how things are continuing to be handled. And I'm all for power struggles within the group!

ANYTHING ELSE?

So I’m not sure exactly what you guys are looking for, but there’s this if you want to take a look: https://www.pinterest.com/danirpsthings/sirius-black/

Also, this RP looks so great! The bios are all so wonderful, and there are some great characters up for grabs!

#recreancyaccepted #sirius black app

[uncleasad]

The second-season premiere of Dickinson was another episode that left me wanting, once again as if something more should have been there. So much of the episode was spent catching us up with where the pieces have moved in the unknown number of years since the wedding at the end of Season 1, and once that happened, we again had half an episode. 

Emily and Edward’s relationship seems in a very good state, moving forward from those first steps in Emily’s room the night of the wedding. I very much enjoyed the scene on the train discussing her poetry, how very much he wanted to be proud of her…and the ultimate acceptance that he wouldn’t understand her work. It felt like a true father moment, a chasm between generations that cannot be crossed, only acknowledged, and he handled it well, both acknowledging the gap and hoping Emily had someone who could appreciate her poems. It’s hard to ask for more than that.

Speaking of the person who could appreciate Emily’s poems, the “on-again, off-again” relationship between Emily and Sue was once again seen in full force. Austin, of all people, serves as their middleman (along with Maggie, delivering the day’s poems in a basket!). It’s clear that Sue still cares about Emily, but things remain as complicated as ever, with marriage and the social responsibilities of a young couple on the rise seeming to take priority (dresses from New York based on patterns from Venice—or Vienna, I forget; a tony V-city in the Austro-Hungarian Empire). That, and Emily’s poems hit too close to home sometimes….

I’m shocked by how normal things seemed between Emily and Austin, after how horrible he was to her on his wedding day. These Dickinson men seem so fickle in their anger, and Emily must be endlessly forgiving. Maybe I shouldn’t be surprised at this point, because horrific behavior among the Dickinsons seems to blow over as if nothing happened every few episodes. (Also, hooray for Austin allowing Henry use of the barn for their abolitionist meetings. The younger generation of Dickinsons are on the right side of history in their anti-slavery views.)

Lavinia, of all people, seems to have the clearest and most straightforward trajectory. She’s not the prim and quiet and meek younger daughter we met in the series opener; she’s embraced her power and sense of self as we saw in the trailing episodes of Season 1, and she’s now taking what she wants (Ship).

The publisher of the Springfield Republican is clearly intrigued by Emily, but he seems more like a George than a Ben, and despite Sue’s efforts to give Emily an(other) outlet for her genius, Emily is uninterested. Whereas in Season 1 Emily was desperate to find recognition and to share, undertaking all manner of plots and schemes to get her work in print, now Sue is enough; I do wonder what caused the drastic change?

Two very different honorable mentions this episode: a dishonorable one for Mrs Dickinson for once again making Emily’s ailment all about her, and then Maggie for being Emily’s loyal courier and supporter.

January 23, 2024

#musings #Dickinson #Dickinson 2x01 #Emily Dickinson #Edward Dickinson #Sue Gilbert #Austin Dickinson #Lavinia Dickinson #Samuel Bowles #Emily Norcross Dickinson #Maggie

[thedepressexpress]

when I left home to travel to a different country and get my bachelor's, i was all on my own. my mother gave me a religious pendant. my mother is one of the worst people I know but she thought it would protect me. I wore it for nearly 5 years, never taking it off.

then I was scrolling through TikTok and one of those slideshows came on and it was a poem that I haven't been able to find a name or author for it but here's the gist.

it's a person who's talking about the times where they questioned god and it starts small, with hearing that animals don't go to heaven but heaven wouldn't be heaven without the poet's cats there, so the poet changes the rules. they change their personal understanding of religion so that it fits better and reflects the kind of god they want to believe in.

as the poem goes on, the person finds more and more things that their version of god wouldn't do and ultimately there's a conversation where the poet has to deal with the fact that they've made so many changes to the faith that it wasn't really that faith anymore and it was something else entirely.

there was more to it than that but it made me really examine myself and my belief system and I realized I was so far removed from the faith I grew up in that I didn't own it anymore. I knew that long before the poem but it made me question wearing my pendant.

I stopped believing in a god when I was about 10 but I did believe in the universe. I took off my pendant four months ago and I've accepted that I don't have faith and the only thing I really believe in is that everything will continue. everything will end and it will be loud and it will be quiet and it will go on with or without me.

so yeah, the internet is a cesspool and all but there are small things I see sometimes that I can't help but feel change me.

I saw a clip of Brittany Broski's podcast where she talks about religious trauma for a bit and she cries, talking about how much losing faith hurts, and idk, it makes me feel seen when I see people worship together.

I've always wanted to ask someone with unshakable faith, "what do you think it would take for you to forgo your faith" and I don't want a bullshit answer of "nothing could ever make me lose my faith" I want to know

what hardship would push you over the edge. what if god killed your wife, your children, your dog. what if you did everything right and found out you're going to hell anyway. what if your religious leader who you swear could speak to the lord told you they were a liar. what would it take, not to stop being a good person, but to stop doing it for a god.

and then I want them to remember that people born into faith had a faith like theirs at some point. and then they didn't. all faith is unshakable till a big enough earthquake hits.

how much loss is that. how do you measure it.

I want god-fearing people to realize that fearing a god not believing in one is sometimes the same thing.

#religious trauma #religion #rant post #rant #actually mentally ill #actually bpd #spilled thoughts #actually traumatized #actually borderline #bpd thoughts

[itsallcomplicated]

I wish my parents DID put me through therapy when I was 6.

TW: Mental health, Immigrant household, self harm, drugs, alcohol

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I grew up in a Mexican Immigrant household where mental health was scorned upon and seen as a burden. I don't think my parents were even aware of the word "anxiety" until I was 16, and even when I was trying to explain to them just how anxious I was and how I was so afraid of it eating me up, they instead turned to me and accused me of being on drugs. Of course, we moved past this, but that's the problem at hand, we only moved past it. We didn't attempt to solve anything, or try to find me some healthy coping mechanisms, or even attempt to understand my triggers. Moving past it became my motto for the rest of my life, and I didn't even understand just how unhealthy that was.

I'm 22 now, and I'm trying my hardest to clean up a mess that I hadn't even realized had gotten so bad. I wouldn't say my anxiety is debilitating, but I would say it's kept me from trying so many times. I've learned some pretty rough habits when it comes to coping and communicating about my feelings, many of them being unhealthy and ultimately causing rifts in relationships around me. I know I'm at an age where everyone around me is starting to find their footing and their stride, and I feel like I'm just now learning to stand up. No one's journey is alike, but sometimes I wish mine could have been different. Sometimes, I really wish my parents had come from a place of understanding and concern when my first grade teacher told them that I had attention span problems, and I may suffer from ADD/ADHD. I wonder what would have happened if my parents allowed the schools therapist to just talk to me and allow me to find proper resources and counseling that could have ultimately helped me shape proper and healthier coping mechanisms than the ones I've learned on my own that often cause me more harm than good. Instead though, my parents ignored this and moved past what they thought was just a chatty child who couldn't stay quiet during reading time.

I wonder if by my parents letting this one situation happen, would I have any anxiety today? Most of my anxiety starts from the moment my attention drifts away from a task I meant and needed to do. From the moment that I actively start to think one hundred million different thoughts and start ten different tasks, I have started an absolutely terrifying journey of anxiety and dread that I just simply didn't want to partake in. I end up putting so many things off, that I'll end up turning around and realizing that I have so much to do now and so little time.

You see, it's really easy to just write it off to personality and even the goddamn zodiac. "She's such a taurus!" Yeah sure, tauruses are lazy and we love food, but there is no reason I should be laying in bed on a Tuesday eating an entire bag of Puffs. Tiktok has made it so easy to excuse the ill behaviors and negative coping mechanisms I have, I can write it off as a "rot" day, or as a "self care" day, but how many self care days can I have before I have to admit that I'm just procrastinating and disassociating before my brain catches up to me and realizes how behind we are and now I have to be anxious for the next week? I gotta uninstall Tiktok, it really just fortifies my intentions of staying in bed, especially when I start doom scrolling. I'm aware now, obviously, that these behaviors and my lack of self discipline in exchange make things difficult for me. I've become too comfortable staying comfortable, and doing absolutely nothing with my time. I've started becoming hyperaware of the fact that I am incredibly lazy and all too okay with people taking care of me. But I've had enough of myself being a loser (I have to be mean to myself here guys, it's only because I KNOW I can do better) and allow myself to just try for once in a really long time. I can always make up an excuse to explain my behavior, or to defend my right to staying in my bed all day and call it an act of self care. But at the end of the day, I have got to be honest with myself and understand that this constant excusing and defending my behavior will ultimately lead me down the horrible rabbithole of anxiety and self deprecation. Being lazy is my version of giving up. I'm really tired of myself being so uninspired. Kim Kardashian was so right, I do need to get my ass up and work. (pls that was just a joke)

It's easy to give up, because giving up means that I didn't have to fail due to other circumstances, I failed because I didn't even want to try. It was my choice to fail, and I could live with that. I liked this control. But we'll unpack my need for control some other time, because that's become a prevalent issue in my life.

Therapy could absolutely help me find healthier coping mechanisms and just help me function. But I'm terrified of therapy. I wish that going to therapy wasn't as scary as my parents have positioned it to be in my head, but I'm terrified to make the decision to go in and speak to someone. I think it's the thought of someone else having to realize that I've gravely set my own self behind, and I didn't even realize it. I always feel like it's too late to try again, but that's a lie. I have a whole life ahead of me, I just need to learn the proper tools to take care of myself and actually hit the ground running with the anticipation of continuing to try. I know I'll thank myself when I finally make the decision.

I tried therapy only once in my adulthood, and it was actually the worst experience ever. I went more as an act of rebellion and to prove to my parents that therapy could be beneficial. On my first and only meeting with my therapist, I filled a questionnaire out. It was questions like "Do you experience thoughts of self harm? Have you smoked marijuana? Do you drink alcohol?", and to be quite honest with you at that point in my life, I was answering with a whole lot of yes's. I was 20, first time on my own, living in a shared apartment with easy access to both weed and alcohol. I didn't know what discipline was, so yes, taking advantage of both substances was going to be my go to. I was also going through the most ridiculous breakup of my life, but that deserves it's own post. Also the pandemic. Everyone was having a hard time. Anyways, the questionnaire evidently now led my therapist to believe I was undergoing a horrible manic episode and I was showing signs of mania. I was horrified and she further frightened me by telling me I may have schizophrenia. I never went back after that session, because truly that just boggled my mind and I just thought she was going to tell me I was depressed or anxious. So I moved past it, and didn't ever look back at therapy. I regret letting that first session warp my feelings towards therapy, because I seriously needed the help then. I need the help now, but omg that girl in 2021 needed it way more. After three months of dealing with an atrocious breakup while living with my ex and also meeting a really confusing situationship, and becoming an alcoholic, I created really bad habits and coping mechanisms. I'm unlearning them everyday, and everyday I know I heal more and more from the bullshit I've caused. Therapy can still be a resource I can reach out to, and I know I'll work up the courage one day, but I'm just happy to say that I want to try.

REMINDER: This is just a vent post. My entire blog is literally just my journal to express myself, otherwise I think I will explode. Peace, love, gossip girl xoxo 💋 

#mental health #trying #self care #self improvement

[sky-reezing]

Spoken by T.D.JAKES

Spoken by T.D.JAKES

what is something you'd suggest

To add to our daily routine

To empower ourselves?

Quiet.

we're too busy

we are so busy

that we don't notice that we're not productive.

busy does not mean that you are producing

we are just spinning our wheels

and the great

thinking and progress

That we've made in this country.

Steam engines, telephones,

automobiles, all types of things

spacecrafts were done by people

who had moments to think.

we're moving so fast and at breakneck speed,

and if we get a free moment

we're on Twitter

and Facebook and everything.

it's the death of creativity.

And I would challenge people

to go back to meditation and

if you're spiritual, go back to prayer

if you're not, just go back to just laying

still for a moment to clear your head

to hit the reset button,

because we are starting every day

with the burdens from yesterday

assaulting us in today.

Let's put a comma between all of it,

shut it all down

and you'd be surprised what you can hear

when you shut up.

Too many times,

we have spent so much Focus

on teaching you to be good seed,

that we haven't taught you

the power of good soil.

And so, when we come to soilish issues

the seed ignores the soil.

We flick the channel,

that has nothing to do with me.

we close our eyes

because we have been taught to be good seed,

but we have not been taught to pay attention

So and yet the Bible is clear.

Jesus says the sword with false sowing seed

and in some fell by the wayside.

Some fell among rocks, some fell among stones.

The whole text is about environment.

Look at you and look at your environment.

have you been positioned

to flourish?

positioning has a lot to do with flourishing,

to be in an environment,

in a family that supports you.

My sister and I were talking the other day.

I was telling what an amazing person

she is that all of our lives together

and all the things that God did in my life,

not once in all of the years that I've known her

and she was there when Mama had me.

Have I ever known her to be jealous of me?

Not once, not ever

she has always been my cheerleader

my greatest fan.

And she said, how could I be jealous of you?

You're my brother

I said,

A lot of people have siblings that hate them

That I'm jealous of them.

That hope they talk

And some of my development has to be

That God planted me in an environment of people

that supported me

my brother, my sister, my mother,

my father, they all supported me.

You can have good seed,

but if you've been in bad soil,

people who hated you,

environments that denied you,

education that underserved you,

communities that limited you,

mentality said poisoned you.

Oh, do you hear what I'm saying?

if your soil wasn't right,

it doesn’t mean that you're not right.

But if your soil wasn't right,

it's going to affect how you root

and how you grow.

And you might grow a little bit.

The Bible says you can grow for a while

but then the will choke you out all the rocks

will not have enough soil

for your roots.

Are you blaming God for something

you ought to be blaming the soil for?

you cannot take a

peach seed and planted in a teaspoon of dirt

and expect it to grow.

Though the teaspoon of the dirt

is the same size as the peach seed.

it will not grow

the seed will only grow when it is planted

in something bigger than itself.

And I want to know

where are you playing it this morning?

Are you planted

in something bigger than you

or have you always been planted in teacups

surrounded by low dirt, little resources,

small-minded people,

narrow limited places,

that never let you stretch

to reach your capacity.

Sometimes you got to go where the corn needs.

To be planted

is Destiny concealed.

To have increase its Destiny reveal.

So, when you plant a seed, you don't plant it

as if the planting were the final destination.

You plant it and you can't see it anymore.

Is Destiny is concealed.

In the hopes

that ultimately

it will become a stalker or of corn

or an apple tree or whatever it was you plant it.

And in between,

the destiny concealed and the

destiny revealed

is something we call watering.

And I thought

as dynamic

as the text may be

to Grumble with the notion of being planted

and to Grapple with the notion of having increase

seems totally irrelevant

if we don't stop by the station of watering.

Because watering is the last step

before increase.

It is the transition point

between what is concealed and what is revealed.

And without the benefit of watering,

The destiny will die in the ground,

Never reaching its potential

simply because it has never been watered.

And I thought I would ask you this morning,

have you ever been watered?

I'm reading somebody's mail right now.

you come out, embrace what I'm about to teach.

If you don't understand,

that you have been planted,

you didn't grow wild, you didn't just happen.

you weren't just an afterthought

you didn't just come to be.

you were planted.

the sperm cell that created you out swam

all of the millions of other cells

before you had a Bible.

before you had a Bible

before you had a hymn book.

you were already in a fight

and that cell outswim all the rest

because you have been planted

well, I want to make the distinction

about being planted

because the active planting can be confusing

to the student who has not watched,

because planting looks no different from burial.

in order to do either one of them

you got to do some digging.

And once you dig down in the ground,

Both of them are conceal.

but one of them has a destiny

and the other one does not.

You bury the dead to get rid of the body,

but you plant a seed

so that it can go through a transformation

of coming back up greater than it was

when it went down.

Oh, good God, of mercy so good, humble

I'm so good

come over here

say it again.

When you plant a seed,

you're not bearing it to get rid of it.

you're planting it.

so that it can go through a metamorphosis

and come back up

better than it was when it went down.

how many people in this room

have come up better than you were?

I'm better

I'm better

I'm better than it was when it went down.

it was good for me that I've been afflicted.

so had I not been afflicted

I would have never known the glory of God.

I'm better for it

I didn't like it, but I'm better for it

I couldn't see down there, but I'm better for it.

You see I was planted in a dark place

where my sight didn't work for me.

but I'm better for every time you

go through some dark and you can't see your way out.

Remember, you've been planted, not been buried.

and when you come up,

I'm coming up

I'm coming up

write yourself a note

I have not been buried.

I have been planted.

I may be underground

but I'm not buried in this mess

I'm planted in it

I'm planted in it

and if I'm planting it

expect me to come back up again.

making your relationships count

because everything is about relationships.

first of all, your relationship with God,

that's a very important thing to have

because as long as you know

that there's somebody in charge,

you don't have to bear the brunt

of the responsibility and the weight

of what's going on in your life.

you can talk to the boss.

number two, enjoy your relationship with yourself.

if you don't like

you it makes it hard for me to like you.

because people when you

walk into their atmosphere,

they draw you into the cosmos of their own drama.

And if they're full of drama without you,

when you come in

you become

caught up in the Cyclone of their drama.

enjoy your relationship with yourself,

and then anybody else who comes.

they enter into a party you

already started

you understand?

Yeah, yeah, and

I’m just saying, yeah

And then relationship with your kids,

The relationship with your spouse,

The relationship with your friends,

Taking time to enjoy the relationships

Because there is no fruit.

Nature teaches us that there is no fruit,

without relationships,

you cannot be fruitful by yourself

in business, in home, in life, in church.

I don't care what it is

you are no more than the relationships

you surround yourself with

And make sure that though the good one

[bloglive3]

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[iwadori]

Haikyu Boys when they make you insecure PT 2(Atsumu,Suna)

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3  Part 4  Part 5 Part 6

word count: 1.6K

Genre: angst,fluff

Masterlist

Atsumu:

You have been dating the great setter of the MSBY Jackals since your third year in highschool 

You’ve always been okay with his profession 

Even when it comes with the adoring fans he has (the ones that don’t necessarily like you..)

And the away games he goes to, that you can’t always go to because of your job.

You and Atsumu got to spend all of quarantine together, which was challenging at times. As you and Atsumu sometimes did have conflicting personalities but you loved being together for 8months + altogether. 

But now with the restrictions being lifted, Atsumu got to go back to practice and playing some games although you still got to work from home. Over lockdown, you do feel like you gained a bit of weight (which you didn’t pay much attention to since didn’t everyone gain some weight?) 

However, today you were scrolling through twitter, smiling fondly at the recent tweet ‘tsumu made about you;

@ ThebetterMiya: ‘Remember this @ *Insert your twitter handle here* ‘ 

It was a picture of the two of you in high school in your second year, with you giving Atsumu a hug just after his game against Karasuno. The memory made you smile, but your positive thoughts stopped after seeing a particular comment... “Y/N has definitely let herself go” it read.

 To your surprise Atsumu even liked the comment, you didn’t want to overthink things as you know that Atsumu just unconsciously likes comments and tweets without thinking all the time. But you can’t lie and say you didn’t agree with the comment. 

For the rest of the day, you spent your time googling and searching personal trainers and gyms that were open for you to go to and new healthy diet plans to try

.Atsumu came home a while later, tired and grumpy claiming that coach worked him extra hard in practice. Because of your newfound idea to start eating and being more healthy, you decided to have one last day of ‘letting go’ so your ordered yours and ‘tsumu’s favourite take out.

Whilst eating dinner, you were going INNN as you should  because this is basically your ‘last meal’ you were going to have. ‘tsumu caught onto your cavemen-like way of eating which made him chuckle a bit. “Hey babe, woahh you’re really hungry aren’t ya?” 

His comment threw you off, even though you know that he probably didn’t mean anything by it but from the comment on his twitter earlier and how you already feel about yourself it just didn’t help.

“Well what do you mean about that?” you say a little agressively “you think i’m getting bigger right?”

Your question threw him off guard since he didn’t mean that “well Y/N I know you’ve kinda let youself go a bit and you’re obviously not the weight you were when we 16 but-” before he could finish you get up out of your seat and rushed to your room with tears in your eyes, missing the end of his sentence which was “but I still think you’re beautiful” he murmurs.

He decided to give you some space for a bit, and before approaching he see’s your phone ringing (lets just say you and Atsumu have ultimate trust so you can answer eachothers phones :3) “Hello is this Y/N L/N” the person on the otherside of the phone asked 

“No, this is Miya Atsumu” your boyfriend replied 

“Oh! Miya-san i’m a big fan of you!” he started making Atsumu chuckle “I was just calling Y/N to say i’m available next week saturday to start training”

‘Training?’ Atsumu thought “Can I ask what training you’re preparing for with Y/N” he asks

“Oh I am a personal trainer.” he replied “ Well that’s all I can say, can you please tell Y/N-san to call me again so we can work out times.” he ended the call.

Atsumu goes into your shared-bedroom where he finds you on your laptop looking at ‘weight loss’ tips. He goes over to you and closes your laptop lid and pulls your hand to lead you to the mirror in the room. He stands you in front of it and puts his arms around your waist and his head on your shoulder.

“You’re beautiful Y/N” he says, sparking more tears in your eyes “I think you misunderstood what I said earlier, you. are. goregous. babe” he says punctuating every single word. “Even, if you feel like you gained weight, or lost weight or whatever I will always think your beautiful. If you feel like you want or need to change I will definitely support you along the way, but I think you’re amazing Y/N.”

“Thank you ‘tsumu” you start “ I do feel a bit insecure about the way I look right now, and I’m sorry for my abrupt leave at dinner but I do feel like my body is gross but I do want to try to see myself the way you see me.”

After many efforts from Atsumu, you definitely fell back in love with your body wether you were bigger or small you didn’t care cause you knew you were beautiful either way and so did Atsumu which he reminded you of that every single day.

AN: Can someone give me a synonym for beautfiul lmao cause that’s the only word I can think to use lol.

Suna:

You and Suna have always surprised people when they find out that you’re together.

Since your loud and talkative personality mixed with his quiet and nonchalantness is that a word? seems to not work well for other people

But opposites attract right?

You just finished the last episode of Kakegurui and were excited for your boyfriend to come home so you can tell him about it. You and Suna have been dating for a few years, after you confessed to him in front of all the boys in the gym in your 3rd year.

Suna enters the house mumbling a soft “Hi Y/N” to which you responded back with “Hi suna” rushing towards your boyfriend with a big hug. 

He slightly recoiled back out of your hug making you frown, to which he used the excuse of ‘I smell bad from practice let me take a shower.’ Whilst he was in the shower you decided to make some dinner for you both since it seems that Suna is a bit ‘grumpy’ today.

Once he exits the shower, and gets changed, he sees the table set out with the delicious food you made. You exit the bathroom to see him sat down already eating his plate. “How do you like it ?” you ask him wanting to know his opinion on your food.

“It’s good” he mumbles, continuing to shove food in his mouth. A bit bothered by the lack of response, you decide to talk about the newest episode in the hopes of lighting the mood. “Last episode of Kakegurui was great Rin, you should’ve seen it I really love mary. She’s great, I am a Mary Saotome simp through and through I still didn’t get the game they played but who cares? I can’t wait for season 3 to come out, I’ve already ordered the first 3 volumes of the Kakegurui twin manga, do you think it’s as good as the manga since I do think it’ll probably be better since it is Mary-centric and who hates mary since she-” You ramble on not taking notice of the bubbling annoyance that Suna seemed to have.

“Can you just shut up Y/N” he shouted making you flinch “ You’re so fucking talktative gosh” he got up and left the house slamming the door shut making you jump again. 

Instead of wallowing in your bed you decide on going out the library to go and read a good book (something that always makes you feel better) forgetting the harsh tone that Suna used with you. You were only trying to lighten the mood...

You got too engrossed with your books to notice how the sun is now gone and it was pitch black outside, the librarian notified you that it was time to go, you figure that if Suna was back at home he would’ve cooled down now so you can have a proper conversation which to be honest, you didn’t really want one.

Once you enter your house, Suna rushes towards you enveloping you in a big hug murmuring a “Oh thank god I was so worried” he tried to give you a kiss on the forehead but you recoil out of it, just as he did to you earlier. 

“I think i’m going to go to bed Rin” you say quietly trudging towards your bedroom and getting immediately in your bed. Suna stood there in the spot you left him in feeling bad for what he said to you at dinner. He goes into you bedroom and see you on your bed and silently gets into it next to you.

“Y/N I know you probably don’t want to hear me right now, but I am sorry” You don’t respond but slowly move closer to him letting him put his arm around you. Because of your silence Suna continues to speak “Umm...I watched the last episode earlier and you were right Mary Saotome is the goat but.... yumeko is better” he said teasingly 

This made you smile, as this is what you wanted a nice moment with your boyfriend talking about the last episode of your favourite show. You spend the rest of the night arguing over which character is better and decide to start Demon Slayer together, with Suna enjoying your after episode talks that you have.

AUTHOR NOTE: I was really excited to write for Suna and Atsumu but I have a fat migraine so i’m so sorry for it not being thattt gooood today :// but I hope you enjoy it regardless 

#haikyu x reader #haikyuu x reader comfort #haikyuu fluff #haikyu angst #atsumu scenarios #atsumu x female reader #atsumu fluff #atsumu x reader #atsumu angst #suna x reader #suna angst #suna fluff #haikyuu suna #suna scenarios #signedwithane😌