#which has caused me immense fear and suffering

[glitchdollmemoria]

please can we stop describing bigots as delusional. please. im so fucking tired. someone being sucked into a hate group surrounded by others who believe minorities should be oppressed and encouraging them to believe in conspiracy theories that the rest of the group believes, is fundamentally different from someone having a mental illness that causes delusions.

delusions, by definition, cannot be explained by things like cultural background - such as having a belief constantly reinforced by intentional attempts to rationalize it for the sake of maintaining power over minorities. yes, someone can be both delusional and a bigot, and yes conspiracy theories can feed into delusions, but the two are not fucking synonymous.

i did not spend my teen years convinced that i was being stalked by demons just to hear so many of you people equate my disability with incel behavior and genocidal propaganda. stop reinforcing harmful connotations about mental health struggles.

#ok to rb #mental health advocate #mental health advocacy #mental health awareness #ableism cw #sanism cw #madpunk #neuropunk #actually delusional #actually schizospec #im not gonna interact with the post that prompted this #because i do agree with everything that was said and dont want to sound like im defending the assholes discussed #but i also am still fucking pissed about seeing a bunch of misogynistic jackasses compared to a disability #which has caused me immense fear and suffering #and guess what! my delusions were never ''women shouldnt have rights'' or whatever else #bc thats not a delusion thats a tool of the partriarchy to maintain the status quo #genocide cw #to be safe

[ohnoitstbskyen]

let's spend an hour and a half enjoying the Heartsteel himbos | PARANOIA animation analysis

I have decidedly mixed feelings on the Heartsteel band splash art, which are intensified by the degree to which their 3 minute music video was able to near-instantly endear me to every one of these idiot himboyband doofuses.

Heartsteel is a project that suffers a lot in being compared to True Damage and K/DA, which are the most obvious points of comparison to draw, especially since Riot seems (at least to me) to have committed rather fewer resources to their virtual band project this go around. Wisely, thus, the Hearsteel project decided to attempt a very different narrative and emotional vibe with its characters from previous efforts. Where K/DA and True Damage both presented their characters as untouchable pop-gods at the top of their game, bragging about their accomplishments, Heartsteel comes from almost exactly the opposite place.

PARANOIA is a fearful, defensive, defiant song composed and performed like a triumphal power-anthem, coming from the perspective of a group of industry outsiders who have all been devalued or burned by the mainstream.

Ezreal is a one-hit-wonder whose image got run into the ground by controlling management, Yone a legendary producer burned out on industry conformity. Kayn is a pop music bad boy whose spiteful arrogance broke up his last band, K'Sante an ambitious vocal powerhouse who could never find creative partners, and Sett a disgraced rapper who lost his contract for punching a paparazzo.

These, then, are not pop-gods gracing the mortal realm with images of their brilliance, but a bunch of down-and-out losers and untapped talents trying to claw back their careers with nothing but found-family dynamics, the power of friendship, and Jackass-style promotional stunts in their arsenal. The music video depicts them running a night-time raid on a film studio, stealing props and causing god knows how much property damage trying to film their own comeback music video.

It doesn't.... quite nail the grunge independent vibe that it seems to want to go for, it has a rather inconsistent diegesis, and trying to cram character moments for six characters into a three minute song compresses the pace of the video to an almost manic emotional experience. I found that most of its setpieces and ideas did not land with me at all until a third or fourth re-watch, and going through the video frame-by-frame so I could actually take in what the video was trying to say.

Once I did, I enjoyed it a LOT. The character animation is expressive, dynamic and immensely charming. There's a ton of great texture work going on, interesting lighting, extremely creative effects, and the emotional heart of the video - the genuine affection between the band members as expressed through boyish shenanigans - hits brilliantly... once you slow the video down enough to really see it. There is also a truly astonishing amount of work put into flash frames and scribbly visual effects, and an absolute embarrassment of screenshots that could be wallpapers.

Anyway, I spent an hour and a half talking about a three-minute music video because I am the world's easiest sucker for charming character animation. Care to join me?

#tbskyen #heartsteel #league of legends #heartsteel yone #heartsteel kayn #heartsteel rhaast #heartsteel k'sante #heartsteel sett #heartsteel aphelios #heartsteel ezreal #k/da #true damage #riot games #Youtube

[theoddest1]

Hazbin Hotel episode 5 is a rushed mess.

May just make this a continual thing where I review the episodes from here on out.

-Right off the bat, the pacing for this episode is probably the worst out of all other episodes so far. Things just begin abruptly (Lucifer's first song with Al for instance), no build up, 5 months have passed in only 5 episodes of barely any progress or focus on Charlie as a character, a random character that didn't need to be introduced but was anyway ruined the flow further, and this stupid ass rivalry all on the basis of who's the "better dad" is legit the most random conflict of any conflict so far. That will get a point all on its own along with some of the other things mentioned. The pacing left no real breathing room aside from 2 moments: Al's rise to power and Husk n Al's convo. I wanna say the second song would be a 3rd but it just resolves an issue that was present for seemingly years and pulled a "Stolas" with having a song or sob story as an excuse for the lack of effort to reach out and be a better dad. Lazy writing and pacing overall.

-5 months....5 months have passed with barely anything revolving around helping sinners or trust built around the main cast SHOWN ON SCREEN. We are told important information opposed to witnessing the progress itself. This is not only lazy but extremely jarring cause it feels as though episodes were skipped and bonds feel unearned. They get easily resolved in what feels like seconds, and we're just supposed to....deal with it. Angel and Husk barely interact throughout this episode, which, after the crazy ride they had, with the knowledge of a SEVERAL MONTHS passing by as well, you'd think Angel would be shown to be more chatty with him....which he doesn't. Nothing crazy, just small bits of them interacting and enjoying each other's company. Nah. We get that next episode, and even THAT'S lacking. I'll tackle that in a separate post. But yeah, 5 months, and we have yet to see the other guests' views and how it has changed for the better or the process of them realizing WHY they would go for redemption. How that has affected them. Nothing of note has come about from any of these. No other sinners have joined. No other demons seem interested in Charlie's Hotel. Nothing. We are told things have been done, yet it feels like we are still at the starting line, or well, a foot away from it and miles away from the finish.

- Lucifer is a joke. I don't mind me a goofy threat, it adds a charm to them but also shows that they take so little seriously due to their immense power....not Lucifer. No, that guy just....is a joke. Dude is in his mansion making fucking toy ducks for some reason and just has depression (show said it outright, not even depression is spared from "tell don't show")

He does literally nothing, doesn't seem to WANT to do anything, and no one respects the guy. Nearly all in the Hotel lack fear, intimidation, or admiration for the guy (Pentious is the only one who seems to exhibit admiration of some kind). The closest we got is being uncomfortable. That's it. Then there's his scuffle with Alastor. Tell me why he feels the need to argue with this sucka again? Cause last I checked, Alastor is a mere overlord, and Lucifer is The Devil. Wtf is this randomass rivalry that just...S T A R T S? Why does Lucifer get intimidated or moved by Al? It makes no sense. Lucifer has been alive far longer than humanity itself, but nah this random fuck who looks like he robbed a blood bank got him weeping insecurities? I'm supposed to take this sad excuse of a character seriously? How many of these carbon copy characters will Viv make until I finally end my suffering???

-Wtf is Alastor's deal? Why is he so pressed and annoyed? One moment he is as cool and collected as a cucumber and showing only SLIGHT annoyance (Vox and His song), then he goes to meetings and speaks with people far older, far more experienced, and/or far stronger than he show no interest and he gets pissy? How insecure is he that people not caring where he's gone or thinking his ideas are wack is what leads to his eye twitching and him throwing a random ass cuss. Seriously, THAT'S what got him to swear? That his idea for the hotel's name is stupid? BFFR! You can not be serious right now, THAT'S what gets him going? You'd think with how witty and chill he was in the pilot, he would find a quick and a effective smart-ass comeback, not essentially bitch at The Devil. This makes Alastor look like a thin-skinned wannabe, too cause these minor ass comebacks are why he has lost his edge along with some randomass song number?? And at the end of the day, Al just couldn't be damned anymore to even care by the end of the episode, he doesn't speak with Lucifer or give any stank looks, doesn't speak with Charlie, does NOTHING pertaining to the issues prior, nah, he just stands there and watches after telling Mimzy to go away. Some say he did this to simply piss Lucifer off, but that doesn't make sense (not saying it ain't true, just saying if it is, it's nonsensical). First off, if that were the case, why was he annoyed even BEFORE seeing the guy?

If he only wanted to get a rise, why is HE getting angry? Trolls usually don't care enough to be this pissed. Second, wtf would he even gain from doing this? What to help push Lucifer to be a better father to Charlie, request by Lilith to Al so that Lucifer can get his act together?? If so, that's the LAZIEST shit I have ever heard. Lucifer is such a joke, he needed a SINNER to get him back on track....

Regardless, this whole father shit by Al comes out of nowhere and ruins the goddamn flow of the episode. Prior to it all, Al has shown NO interest in anyone and has done jack shit. Wtf does he even do? He's done ONE thing so far and that was help for the commercial. Alastor has shown to be completely useless as of now.

-Charlie, why is she treated as tho she isn't a grown ass woman? She's babied to hell and back and despite being the daughter of Lucifer, hasn't shown any of her abilities to help the hotel. So Lucifer can summon shit but not her? Is she that useless? Also, gotta love how she never asks her dad about the Valentino situation to help Angel out. Man...what a great ass friend. She also doesn't find it weird that Al is just suddenly...babying her? She has zero awareness of everything, I guess, which is getting annoying now. You're over 200 years of age (went to high school in the 1800s according to what her comic was about, but guess that's retconned based on what happens in the following episode).

So she doesn't use her abilities to tidy up the place, she doesn't act her damn age, she doesn't do anything to help her sexually assaulted friend. What a damn joke, just like her dad.

-Mimzy shouldn't have been in an episode about Lucifer. Plain and simple. Her character should have been introduced in one of the earlier episodes. Not during fucking this. And we got a repeat of the pilot with Alastor's backstory retold. So they're down to retell his rise to power but not to make at least a proper recap of the events that happened prior? Key word....PROPER.

-Husk caring about Mimzy bringing trouble is actually fucking stupid. Because of the lack of proper build up to him now finding more reason to like the Hotel, it feels forced that he would be worried about what danger Mimzy brought. And on top of that, yeah...ALASTOR IS RIGHT THERE. You know who else is there? LUCIFER. I get it, Lucifer stood by and watched as the Hotel was being swatted, but he also sang a song about providing what Charlie asked for, meaning if she had asked her dad, he woukd be down to help, so WHY TF IS HE WORRIED???? Also , is Charlie just INCAPABLE of fighting for herself?? "She doesn'twanna hurt sinners-" so she had no defensive abilities??? What???? Also, that's a damn lie, she fought Katie Killjoy on live Tv. Are no other damn people capable of protecting the Hotel??? Why did Al need to step in for that? They were just LOAN SHARKS.

Anyway, the scene where Husk is probing Alastor about Mimzy and treating him as a pet is decently paced and the tone was pretty neat, sucks that this feels like their way of showing that Husk is also under a leash like Angel rather than him being treated as a joke, which btw...horrid way to compare the two. Wanna know why? One is subjected to an onslaught of sexual assault whether he was pushing Val's buttons or not, and forced to be assaulted by various men around him, passed around like a thing. The other is Husk, who legit disrespected Alastor and had to push at him to get such humiliation and terror, and guess what....Al still ended up pushing Mimzy away after she did end up bringing trouble, so he did essentially listen to Husk in his own distant way. This is the ONLY TIME we see Al be downright mean to Husk and probably the only time. Angel has been subjected to nothing but horrid assault after assault no matter the situation. So I better not see anyone say, "SEE LOOK, THEY'RE BOTH ABUSED" stfu. Nothing about their situations are even remotely similar. Just cause the chains are the same doesn't mean the users are. EDIT: Ima say this before people act like I excuse this. No, I am not excusing Alastor's actions. I am pointing out what happened on screen. Husk mocked Alastor, Alastor retaliated out of anger(much like how Angel retaliated at Husk in ep 4 after Husk kept arguing and mocking him) by pulling out the chains to shut him up. He didn't even hit Husk. Again, I'm not excusing it, just pointing out how vastly different Husk and Angel's situations are and how one overlord reacts compared to the other....who is a straight-up rapist.

-Both the songs are mid/ok but pulled down by the awful storytelling....shame. I at first was not fond of Lucifer's voice.....it's ok now, I guess. Idk. I'm still not really feeling it, though.

Episode sucked ass

Pacing was all over the place

ALASTOR AND LUCIFER ARE PISS BABIES

#hazbin hotel criticism #hazbin hotel critical #hazbin critical #hazbin critique #Hazbin Hotel episode 5 #vivziepop critical #vivziepop criticism

[wings-of-fire-confessions]

I honestly interpret ORCA-

As a flawed - and morally gray? - character, who is a daughter that grew up with a AWFUL - and probably and/or possibly abusive - mother

A mother who:

Neglected and didn’t care about Orca’s brothers because “They can’t inherit the throne.”

Who threatened to put a literal MUZZLE on Anemone when she complained ONCE about being attached to Coral on a harness 24/7.

Who would’ve used ORCA and her animus magic (that’s stated to thought literally deteriorate a dragon’s SOUL when used) as a tool and a weapon of war for Blister.

Who probably would’ve even make Orca Marry WHIRLPOOL, since Anemone - who was ONE years old and Whirlpool’s STUDENT - literally mentioned that she thought she HAD to marry Whirlpool until Tsunami arrived at the SeaWing Kingdom.

A dragon who Orca saw how AWFUL of a ruler that Coral is

A Queen who:

Literally YAWNED when she heard that one of her subjects died.

Worried about blood staining her floor from her scouts that she did NOT even CARE about that were literally DYING in front of her.

Cared more about her subjects reading her literature than ACTUALLY LEARNING HOW TO FIGHT AND SURVIVE ON THE BATTLEFIELD.

Probably produced GLORIFIED PROPAGANDA about herself for her subjects to read.

Who made a scroll about Oysters and Clams that literally promotes CLASSISM and “GENETIC SUPERIORITY”.

Made her subjects fight within a war for Blister - which will RISK and CAUSE the SeaWing’s deaths and give them IMMENSE amounts of physical and/or mental TRAUMA - INSTEAD of them hiding and living within the the Deep Sea Kingdom until AFTER the SandWing Succession War has ENDED.

With Orca wanting to kill Coral to NOT JUST to end Coral’s awful rule and negative impact on HER LIFE, but also on her SUBJECT’ LIVES as well, (possibly also in order for them to live in peace within the deep palace without suffering from the pain, trauma, and death of the war no longer.)

With Orca possibly wanting to win the loyal challenge for the throne in a “fair fight” in order to possibly prove to her subjects that she’s NOT doing it because she’s corrupted with power-hungry yearning for the power of the throne - but instead win fair and just in order to prove that she wants the throne in order to possibly have a better life and be a much fair and better ruler than Coral has been.

And Orca deciding kill any future heirs to the throne possibly due to fear and paranoia that the future heirs would possibly become like Coral - due to the propaganda spread by Orca’s mother and the rest of the tribe being internalized and/or believed by the heirs themselves - and kill Orca and become awful Queen to the Sea Kingdom, and also in order to live fixing the damage and/or awfulness of what Coral has done to the Sea Kingdom under HER rule as long as possible.

Because that’s honestly how I interpret her. And by remembering the how awful and a mother and queen that Coral really is AND remembering the final words that Orca said to her mother…makes this interpretation of mine honestly make sense.

“I did this all wrong. You’re going to rule forever, aren’t you, Mother? You should thank me. No one can stop you now.” - Orca, the SeaWing heir.

❗️You’re going to rule forever, aren’t you, Mother? (…) No one can stop you now. ❗️

To me, that quote did NOT come a power-hungry villain who wanted the power of the throne-

But INSTEAD from a young teenage daughter who wanted to put an end on her mother’s rule that is awful and tyrant in Orca’s eyes, to the point that Orca wanted and was literally planning to take over the throne AS SOON AS she became a literal legal YOUNG ADULT within her kingdom.

And to me, the reason why people probably DON’T view Orca in this way that I do, is because of the fact that CORAL - THE awful mother and awful queen of the Sea Kingdom - was the one who describe Orca’s motives. Orca’s planning and wanting to take the throne. The very SeaWing Queen who probably has flawed and biased interpretations towards literally everyone that she lays her eyes upon, including her own daughter, Orca, who wanted to kill Coral herself in order to take over Coral’s place on throne.

I’m SO sorry if I unintentionally glorified ANY of Orca’s bad and/or negative behaviors within this confession, I’ve been thinking about her character like this for a while.

I’m also sorry if I spelled anything incorrectly and improperly within this confession, I’ve been typing this for quite a while now.

Thank you for anymore for reading this analysis of this character who’s barely been mentioned within the books. I hope you have a good day/night :).

,

#wings of fire confessions #wof confessions #wof #wings of fire #orca #orca wof

[unofficialmuilover]

WHAT'S WORTH FIGHTING FOR?

YUICHIRO X READER ONE SHOT

Warning: Not proofread, mentions of blood. Yuichiro lives instead of Muichiro

What if the overwhelming intensity of affection became unbearable? The love that you had always yearned for has transformed into your most worst nightmare?

The moment Yuichiro poured out his love for you. You thought you were dreaming, the cold and harsh mist hashira was in front of you declaring his feelings. You were the only person who had break into his walls that he had build up so high no one can get in. He was so used of pushing people out of fear that he will be left alone but you stayed. Upon realizing that this is real, you couldn't contain your excitement and embrace him in your arms. It turns out he had loved you all along and hearing those words made you feel like the happiest person on earth. This is what you always yearned for, to finally be with him, safe in his loving arms.

He vowed to protect you. At first, you found it cute but missions after missions, you began to notice that he was not fighting for his life, rather, he was fighting for your life. It didn't matter if he was wounded and bleeding; as long as you were safe, he could maintain his sanity. Your solo missions has forcefully become duo mission, demanding you to tag him along. What was supposed to be your fight against demons has now become his responsibility, and he no longer allowed you to accompany him on his solo missions, claiming them as his own battles against demons.

That made you upset, feeling as if you had suddenly become useless, helplessly watching him take on a demon that was supposed your responsibility. You always tried to talk him out of it, reminding him that you're a hashira also and not some kakushi that always tends to him after the battle, but he refused to listen to your words. Yuichiro was known for being rational type of person so how come he's right in front of you wounded for mindlessly taking a blow for you?

You are currently tending to his wounds, as you always do after missions. This has become a new and unwelcome routine for you.

"I never like it when you take a blow for me" you mumbled, frowning at the Mist Hashira in front of you while applying some ointment on his wound.

The demon had inflicted severe wounds on him, which were intended for you. Witnessing him in this state shattered your heart. Although he attempted to appear strong, you could perceive the immense pain in his eyes, evident by the subtle twitching whenever you applied ointment.

Yuichiro concealed his pain but managed a tender smile, softly cupping your face to direct your focus away from his wounds. 'I love you,' he sincerely confessed, looking at you intently, softly caressing your delicate cheek before tucking your hair behind your ear, "and I would endure countless blows to spare you from suffering" The thought of you in pain deeply affected him, causing his heart to ache. However, he failed to realize that you also couldn't bear to see him in such a state.

"I'm a Star Pillar, Yui," you softly responded with a frown, intently gazing at your lover. "I don't need protection. I have the strength to endure those blows. That's what we were trained for," you lightly protested.

As usual, he ignored your words. Frowning and sighing heavily. You narrowed your eyes at him.

"Will you listen to me for once?! " you exasperated, starting to get agitated as he once again disregarded your words.

Yuichiro was startled, looking at you puzzled at your sudden outburst.

"Does my words not matter to you?" you asked, eyeing him as you wait for his answer.

"I don't want you getting hurt" he plainly answer.

There he is again, the 'talk' of not wanting you get hurt. The way he acts, it seems that he doesn't trust your own capabilities. He had always asked you to quit in demon corps. and you always turned them down.

In retaliation, he demand you to tag him along, stay within his sight, always listen to his command. It reached to the point that he freaked out when you were tasked with a mission with other fellow hashira and not him, he almost challenged them their strength, you were humiliated at say the least, it was a good thing that your fellow hashira is understanding.

It is sweet that he wanted to protect you but the over protectiveness was somewhat suffocating. This is not what you were made for. You were born to help, to protect people not to just stand and helplessly watch them suffer while knowing you could do something but Yuichiro over protectively stops you from fighting, barking at you to stand by and you felt utterly useless.

"I've had enough Yui, I'm not gonna stand here and let you fight my battle." You exasperated.

"Calm down," he murmured, yet your reaction was the complete opposite.

"Calm Down?! Have you seen how wounded you are?!" You exclaim, fiercely pointing your finger to his wounded arm in frustration.

Yuichiro took his gaze off from you, "I am only protecting you" he answered with a hint of annoyance.

"protecting from what Yui? I'm a hashira for goodness sake, I don't need you protecting me all the time."

"stop" Yuichiro warned, pinching the bridge of his nose, something he usually do when he's annoyed.

"No, you need to listen, this is becoming out of hand, I'm a hashira Yui, don't you recognize me as one?"

"You became a hashira because of me!" He snapped, looking at you in fierce gaze as he harshly answer you. You stood frozen upon hearing him.

"You only beheaded those demons after I weakened them" he continued,

"You should be thankful that I'm here protecting you despite you always trying to get in the way, but you are being ungrateful right now" Each word that he spouts from his mouth stings your heart. Your eyes start to well up with tears, but you try your hardest not to show any signs of emotion.

"If you are out on your own, do you think you'd survive out there?!" He screamed,

Right there and then, it was like a bucket of cold water splashed on you as the realization dawned upon you that he never believed in you. Did he ever truly love you at all?

"Do you really think I'm that weak" Your words were barely a whisper but he heard you.

You raised your head to meet your glossy eyes with his wide eyes as if realization hit him that he hurt you with his harsh words again.

"then tell me, have you ever asked yourself, Am I worth fighting for?"

You didn't wait for his answer and left him there, it might hurt you more if he answered you.

For the the past few days, you managed to hide from him. Days had turned to weeks, you successfully avoided him.

And you tried your best to ignore him. If you have hashira meetings, you sit the farthest away from him and leave the headquarters as soon as the meeting is dismissed.

Never giving him a chance to talk to you, the pillars had begun to notice the tension between you and Yuichiro. They first thought it was a simple love quarrel that you two would make up after a day, since one of you, specifically you, is easily prone to giving in. But seeing that you two had not made up after one week, they had grown concerned.

You stare at the stars as you let out a soft sigh, feeling lonely without him besides you, his presence itself had always brought you solace at times you were feeling down, except this time, it were feeling down because of him.

You began to contemplate the previous days, ask yourself the same questions, "What is worth fighting for?" you live in the world where there's no safe place.

During at night, nobody is at ease because of those filthy man eating demons they were everywhere waiting for their right moment to attack you when you are vulnerable.

But come to think of it, humans are way worst, you never knew they were attacking you behind your back. Pretending to be all nice and sweet but it was all an act to fall into their arms. Taking advantage of you and tossing you away once you are no use.

You were never appreciated, no one ever believed in you. You were always pressured to do your best, but Master Kagaya had accepted you first and believed in you. He welcomed you to the demon corps where you had met Yuichiro. You were always put on missions with him before you became an official hashira. He helped training you along the way that you ranked up so fast you were called favorite by fellow slayers.

Yuichiro has told you that you were doing so well that they were just jealous and to ignored them. But of course they never escape from the wrath of Yuichiro, torturing them in the 'training' they asked for it.

You heard the flapping sound of bird approaching and notice it was Yuichiro's Kasugai Crow, at first you thought it was another letter that he sent to you ever since that day, you were about to brush off his crow but his squawking made you freeze 'Upper Moon Attack on (Village Name) and at the same time your kasugai crow squawked at you to hurry up and save the village.

Grabbing your katana, you bolted out, using your tenth form star breathing technique: Starlight

A breathing technique, a Star whooshing away in a speed of light giving you speed in your movement.

A white and blue flames surrounds you as you speed up, Yuichiro is assigned in that village, you knew his capabilities but you couldn't bear to him get hurt.

The thought made you almost halt as realization slap you, maybe Yuichiro cared after all, he knew your capabilities but also didn't want to get you hurt. He's been saying that all along but you were to blinded to see that.

You reached the scene, finding Yuichiro in critical condition as the upper moon demon prepared to strike the final blow. Without delay, you rushed forward and shielded him, taking a direct hit to your vital area that caused blood to gush out. A blood spurt out of your mouth at the impact.

"Y/n!" Yuichiro exclaimed, staring at you in horror. He hadn't anticipated your arrival or that you would take the hit for him. He caught you before you could hit the ground, frantically calling your name while lightly tapping your face to open your eyes.

The sound of the demon's laughter had the pounding in his heart speed up, he could feel the blood boiling up and all he could see is red.

When he came back to his senses, he was standing in front of the demon as the it turn to ashes.

"Yui" You whisper, his ear perks, he rushes towards you, cradling you gently in his arms against his chest.

"Stupid Y/n! Why did you do that" his voice were shaky and vulnerable, a complete opposite from his usual cold demeanor. You feel his lips pressed up to your forehead before feeling his head rested up to yours.

"it's okay baby, control your breathing. Kakushi will come"

"Breathe, can you do that for me, baby?" he murmured softly as he brushed your hair out of your face. Blood smeared on your face as his bloodied hand brushed against your delicate cheek. He didn't care; you were still beautiful in his eyes, an angel from the sky that he vowed but yet failed to protect. He had failed once again to protect someone he loved.

"Yui" You whisper, feeling the darkness pulling you in.

"mmm"

"You are worth dying for"

#tokito yuichiro #kimetsu muichiro #demon slayer kimetsu no yaiba #kny tokitou #demon slayer tokito #muichiro fluff #kny #muichiro x y/n #muichiro x you #muichiro x reader #muichirou #kny demons #kny yuichiro #demon slayer x reader #demon slayer x gender neutral reader #demon slayer x y/n #demon slayer x you #tokito x reader #yuichiro tokito

[garden-bug]

Luke's inner conflict surrounding attachment and the Jedi code from my Dinluke fic

“Love and compassion are the Jedi way.” “But not family.” Luke is again stabbed by that brief, painful conversation. Sometimes moments of it will play out in his head and it’s as if he’s there again, except in his mind he stays and doesn’t leave, and he has an answer for Din when he says that the Jedi way is incompatible with the Mandalorian values of family.  “Luke. It's normal to be afraid for the people you care about, but that doesn't make it okay to push human connection away. Yes, it might be hard to figure this out as a Jedi, but what you're doing right now is avoiding your fear, which isn't going to make you any less afraid or the reality that bad things do happen any less painful.” Leia has always been wiser than him. “I believe the Jedi lost their way. Instead of dealing with how we felt in a healthy way, we were encouraged to push our fear and anger away, and many of us, Anakin included, bottled it up. He was… scared of something, and nobody helped him, or reassured him, because it was about your mother and he’d broken the Jedi code to be with her.” Ahsoka became completely disenchanted with the Jedi. And Luke doesn’t blame her — not after what she went through. It’s no wonder she struggles to associate herself with the name. In her view, the Jedi failed his father, she failed his father — even though there was nothing anyone could have done to prevent him from turning to the dark side.  He… he would never have made the choice his father did. If it came down to it, if it was Din in his mother’s place — “I can’t choose you, I can never choose you. Can you really tell me you understand that?” Din brought a hand up to his helmet. “I don’t know.”  What did Din mean then? He didn’t know if he could understand putting someone above everyone and everything, including what you believe in?  “Had she said the word, I would have left the Jedi Order to be by her side.” And even Ben. Why would he have had to leave the Order?  The point is — It all comes back to — Leia.  “…what you're doing right now is avoiding your fear, which isn't going to make you any less afraid or the reality that bad things do happen any less painful.” He wants to make Din understand, maybe by pushing him down and kissing him, because why the Force shouldn’t he love someone like that? Yes, it’s terrifying, but he’d sure rather love Din and have that than end up like Ben (sorry, Ben) who for some reason had the idea that loving someone equalled selfishness and destroyed your ability to put anything or anyone above the person you love and therefore was the antithesis of the Jedi code. “Attachments lead to pain, pain leads to suffering. The path to the dark side, it is.” But Yoda didn’t mention that pain is caused by fear of loss. Fear of loss is a result of one’s inability to accept that loss is part of life. Attachment does not mean love. Attachment means… a desire for control over things in life that cannot be controlled. Being tied to them. And as much as Luke loves Din he would never want to be tied to him in that way. As a Jedi, Luke must love with acceptance that everything he loves he may one day lose. Otherwise, he risks following in the footsteps of his father. Can he do it?

Further:

Context for the story: Luke is trying to rebuild the Jedi Order, falls in love with Din (who decides to embrace being the Mand'alor after being inspired by Luke), has a terrifying vision that his attachment to Din will lead to pain, and pretty much runs away to Leia on Coruscant where he tries to figure the whole thing out.

Ahsoka has gone anti-Jedi because she had a traumatic experience and still blames herself and everyone for what happened to Anakin. This is a character flaw she may or may not overcome in this story.

When Din says "but not family" implying that he believes family goes against the Jedi code, he is in the wrong and later feels immensely guilty because 1) it's mean (he was upset) and 2) his idea of family is mightily messed up, having been raised by a cult. The extremity of the guilt he feels is, though, irrational, because he has a lot of issues and he was having a panic attack in the scene where he reflects on what he said which messes up your judgement (source: personal experience).

I will revise this section because I don't think it represents Obi-Wan's feelings for Satine (I'll need to think about this more):

he’d sure rather love Din and have that than end up like Ben (sorry, Ben) who for some reason had the idea that loving someone equalled selfishness and destroyed your ability to put anything or anyone above the person you love and therefore was the antithesis of the Jedi code.

Luke fully recognises here that Anakin's own choices led him to becoming Vader. (Something Ahsoka still struggles to accept.) If this is not something you agree with please DNI with this post or with me, because I will not change my opinion.

Save for that, I would absolutely appreciate any comments or insight (I may not take them into account, but I'd be interested to hear them anyway because I want to offer as rich an insight as I can into this issue and discussion is super great for that). Also I think I might have clarity issues in this passage so if anything is unclear feel free to let me know (kindly - I am human).

Also important: I am NOT writing a Luke who 'gives up' being a Jedi because omg Din Djarin! They are both incredibly interesting characters in their own right with their own beliefs that are integral to who they are and I intend to do them as much justice as I can.

If you read the story (which I will link below) please be aware that it is a first draft and therefore I don't feel that it perfectly expresses all of the messages I want to get across. Still, huge thanks if you give it a try!

#fanficion #star wars #dinluke #din djarin x luke skywalker #ao3 fanfic #dinlukefanfic #pro jedi #anti anakin skywalker #ahsoka critical #star wars fanfiction #luke skywalker #luke skywalker analysis #din djarin #mandalore #the mandalorian #the mandalorian season 3 critical

[anjinghangat]

Typing LBC LIs: Ayn

ESI(ISFP) sp468 EVFL / sx468 EFVL* RLOEI

*Ayn's personality ranges. His modern and Eden self is sp4 but in Godheim, he is sx4.

Self-preservation 4 <tenacity>

«because I suffer, I make myself work»

it is not uncommon for the SP4 to be very stoic, as they are used to swallowing pain. They have learned to tolerate pain and not dwell in it. Because of the SP need for survival, they demand a lot from themselves and have a passion for effort.

Ayn is a reactive character, all his motivations come from an external stimulus that causes him to suffer. In the modern universe, his mother's death drove him to persist on playing the piano despite his father's disapproval. Despite the lack of support, he remains stoic, wanting to prove his self-reliance.

[However, Ayn also wants to prove that he can achieve great things by himself.] 7. Memory - Pleasant Coorperation.

In Eden, the burning down of the black market where he was being sold as a slave against his instinct to survive and persist.

"Destiny is a farce. Fire usually ends lives, but in the end, I had to use it to save myself." ...[I look into Ayn's eyes and see that red is indeed a good protective colour. WIth how bright and colourful it is, it's easy to overlook the immense pain it hides.] 11 - The Past 3

Masochistic attitude - Ayn bears with suffering readily for the need for love and recognition

Difficulty accepting limits - Ayn pushes himself even when he's putting himself at risk of when he doesn't have any support

Difficulty expressing tenderness - Ayn restrains tenderness and affection towards other because those are related to dependency of others

Sexual 4 <hate>

«because I suffer, I hate others»

When Envy comes into contact with this instinct it produces a character competes with others in an attempt to gain approval or recognition. Sx4s then make others suffer as an unconscious way of trying to rid themselves of painful feelings of deficiency. They are the kind of people who’d rather be hated for who they are than be loved for someone who they are not.

In Godheim, Lars's takeover pushes him to climb a hierarchy to prove himself and take back everything that he had lost because of Lars.

[For Ayn, happiness is something that was beaten out of him during his childhood. He demands satisfaction: a life for a life.] "I want to take back everything I've lost, everything Lars had taken away from me." 12 - Symbiosis.

Ayn is deeply envious of Lars and he expresses it to be the reason behind his motivations openly to MC once he starts showing his vulnerable side.

"I want to become stronger, so I can topple him from his throne. The throne is rightfully mine, and so are you..." 15 - The Sword Beneath the Moon

Guilty and Blaming others - Ayn largely blames Lars and the incompetency of his father for his suffering, because he doesn't want to accept his own guilt.

Violent - Ayn was physically aggressive against Alkaid and MC

Overpowering - the start of Ayn's and MC's relationship was a contract that made sure that he would always have the upper hand over her

ESI (Socionics:ISFj / mbti:ISFP)

Ne PoLR: Ayn has a conscious fear of potential, which is what causes trust issues. He is wary of people and what they might do in the future, that's why he puts all sorts of precautions and he himself becomes rigid. Fi base solves this by labelling people and holding on to that - this is a friend, that is an enemy. And depending on how bad it is, he can go around thinking everyone is his enemy (even when they aren't.)

1E (Psychosophy)

Ayn is confident in emotions but can appear more closed off about expressing them in EFVL because of the influence of 3V. Notice that Eden Ayn is somewhat warmer than Godheim Ayn. Ayn's decisions are heavily influenced by his own emotions and are not affected by others' emotions.

#lovebrush chronicles #for all time #socionics #lovebrush #ayn #ayn alwyn #psychosophy #enneagram #typology #character analysis #next up is Alkaid but I still can't type Eden alkaid

[ask-shane]

( Hi mod:D I’m glad I made you so happy:] )

Anyway. It’s Green snow guy! Or well. The snows gone. So maybe not anymore. Did you get my gift? Anyway I have sum writing I felt like sharing bc it reminded me of you.

What keeps me going (by me:3 also don’t worry I’m doing a lot better now :D)

What keeps me going the overwhelming fear that I’ll fail and live to see the immense pain in the eyes of my friends my family. I say I want this to end. But i don’t want them to stay up wondering if they caused it. I think this is what i deserve but i still feel selfish for shutting them out. He loves me, and so does everyone else. But my mind is convinced that they can’t love me. Because if i can’t love me then how could they. Yet i know that acting on my feelings will make me confront the split between imagination and reality. Which is a point i used to remember but now everything bleeds into each other. I barely remember why I started this path. And I really don’t want to remember. But everyone has to. And I’ve tried and tried to hide away. But it only comes back after the dopamine wears off. And it leaves me here. In the pouring rain. i feel as if this is what i want. But i know it truly isn’t. I can’t actually bring myself to. Because there’s always the maybe that lives in my head. The Maybe someone will save me. Maybe it will get better, maybe I could feel as loved as i did before Maybe. Maybe it can. But it really won’t. Suffering is a part of me. I am made of suffering and yet, it’s made me loved, why? I’m not sure. Maybe one day I’ll know. And maybe one day. I’ll decide to keep going.

I wrote this near the end of the worst I’ve ever been, and reading it makes me proud that I made it. So both you and mod-y Mcmod face >:] should take a moment, eat some food, have some water and acknowledge your changing for the better, even if it doesn’t feel like or it’s a small step at a time:D

Alright enough positivity from me chicken boy.

it hurts, doesn't it? it's funny how much more bearable the pain can feel when you think you deserve it. it's twisted. all you want to do is shut out the world, shut away all the love that surrounds you when you're at the lowest of the low. sometimes it seems easier to deal with it alone… but it doesn't make it any less painful.

all that to say, i hear you. your vulnerability and honesty is needed in this world... i'm glad you're still here.

#ask-shane 🐓 #really powerful words #i'm proud of you OP #i hope youre doing alright now #shane stardew #ask blog #shane stardew valley #sdv shane #stardew valley shane #stardew valley

[deleteddewewted]

Simon "Ghost" Riley (Serious) Ramble Thought?

W: SA, Therapy, Isolation

One of the things I find so important to understanding Simon's personality is that he was raped as part of his torture. To me, this presents itself as one of the many reasons he's physically isolated. The mask isn't just to cover up what was done to him physically but also what he mentally wants to hide. Many victims of sexual assault make it a habit to end up either overly sexualizing themselves due to their abuse. They see themselves as sexual objects whose only value is their body so I can't help but think that he uses his masks and balaclava as a way to make himself more "proper" and "undesirable".

Like, even after he goes back to civilian life he still has mandatory therapy sessions where he emphasizes his horrific desires to hurt others and to brutalize others, specifically women since his primary rapist was a woman (tho he was raped by his other male captures). His attitude is that of anger, mainly cause he was mandated to go to therapy if he wanted to go back to active duty. His job brought him purpose and since he didn't have his job to help him numb himself he had to confront his traumas. He couldn't pretend that nothing had happened and he wasn't forced to move on from them. He had to accept that he was brutalized in many different ways and that if he wanted to get better he had to do self-reflection. If he wanted to get better he had to take medication but if he took the meds he wouldn't be able to go back to active duty. He saw himself doing better and overcoming his trauma.

Simon was actively trying his best to get better but the circumstance of his situation didn't allow for it. He lost his only support system which was his mother, brother, sister-in-law, and nephew in one night and he just needed to be someone else after that. Simon Riley had to die for the sake of everyone's safety but also for his own. Simon Riley was a victim and a person who suffered immensely for a job that wasn't fully grateful for his sacrifices. Ghost on the other hand was a feared soldier, a man who doesn't have any attachments to the civilian world and a duty to his job. Ghost can be alone, he didn't need anyone by his side but he still values his colleagues because of their similar devotion to serving.

Anyways, thats all i wanted to say. Simon is a deeply hurt and disturbed man. If you don't know what I'm talking about just search up "Call Of Duty: Ghost Comics" and you should be able to read them online.

#cod ramble #dd rambles #simon riley #mw2 #dont take me seriously im sick right now and the fever is getting me all weird tonight #i have thoughts but non of them are important or cohesive right now #ghost cod

[lazyyogi]

Hey lazy, how not to be angry at the injustice and stupidity of the world? I've read enough history to know it's basically always been like this, and have enough intellectual knowledge of Buddha Dharma and psychology to understand its caused by the three poisons that we're all subject to, even me. Yet I see the stupidity and cruelty around the world and in the US and it has me metaphorically kicking Mister Rogers and Keanu Reeves out of my head in favor of Johns Wick and Rambo. Regardless of how much of a pacifist I am it feels like the only way we're going to get people to do the right thing at this point is force and it's heart breaking and infuriating.

Sometimes you just have to be heartbroken. The problem is that we never learned how.

Too many people have tried to change the world because of hurt feelings and reactive anger. They are still doing it. In the end, regardless of how noble it may appear, it is in fact essentially selfish. Because their actions are undertaken in order to relieve themselves of their own suffering.

It is true that sometimes you just gotta channel John Wick and crack some skulls. But this problem will not be solved by doing the same shit as before. Like you say, you know enough history to understand how that plays out.

So please understand that in no way am I advocating doing nothing for those who are suffering in this world. But first you need to be sure that you are doing it for them and not just to make yourself feel better. Otherwise your plans may work to relieve you of that suffering but may never touch the needs of those people.

Have you noticed that when most people are hurt by something, their first reaction is anger?

There are many reasons as to why this happens but it essentially comes down to the fact that when our heart hurts, we feel confusion, vulnerability, fear, mortality, and helplessness. And we don't like it!

Ever since we were children, crying over something said or done to us, we were scolded to stop. Many of us, myself included, never learned how to actually experience challenging emotions without being overcome by them. Instead, we learn how to distance ourselves from those feelings, suppress them, and be indifferent. Men especially.

So the options are either to be overwhelmed by sadness, despair, heartache, etc, or to be indifferent. Not great, right?

Spiritual teachings are helpful but in order to make their wisdom your own direct experience, there are practices to help you. They aren't easy but they are immensely beneficial.

True spiritual freedom, which is a facet of enlightenment, never requires any limit to the human experience. In other words, there is room for heartbreak just as there is room for anger. To be free from heartbreak, you have to be willing to let your heart break open.

A book I endlessly recommend on this stuff is appropriately titled The Places That Scare You and it's by Pema Chodron. There are many things this book teaches but one fundamental life and spiritual skill I learned from it was how to stay with the feelings that make us squeamish.

Tonglen is a really good place to start.

[To summarize for anyone else reading this, tonglen is the practice of inhaling the pain and suffering of others and exhaling peace, freedom, happiness, and loving-kindness to them.

You can do it for something specific, like a friend who is heartbroken because their cat or dog died. Or you can do it for someone in general who you know is suffering; after all, everyone is suffering in one way or another.

You sit, meditate, then imagine your friend and visualize inhaling their suffering from them and exhaling all the good stuff into them. In the session, you end by broadening to breathe in the suffering of anyone who has lost a pet.

At first you practice this for people you love or like. Then you learn to practice it for strangers, people for whom you feel neutral. And lastly you do it for people who you hate, people who are enemies.]

This is just one example of a technique that evolves us into a broader vision of our hearts and minds beyond good people, neutral people, bad people. You can also practice tonglen for yourself. When you are feeling like something is unfair, that you are hurt or sad, you learn to stay with the unpleasant feelings, breathe them in like a sacred incense, and exhale spaciousness loving-kindness.

All of this is hard! It is so much easier said than done. The Places That Scare You is a very short book and yet it took me a very long time to read because it kept triggering shitty feelings and fears in me.

Additionally, everything is made harder by our own imprints, judgments, triggers, and embodied trauma that has accumulated throughout our life. Anything by Judith Blackstone will be helpful in digesting and freeing yourself from those shackles as well.

So the TL;DR is:

You don't have to stop being angry and heartbroken, you need to learn how to be angry and heartbroken without being distorted by them. You need to learn how to stay with the thoughts and feelings that make us squeamish. And you need to free yourself from your own traumas and shitty feelings. As you make progress, you will be more capable of helping others from a truly self-less place. In other words, you will be more insightful and attentive to their needs rather than your distorted perception of their situation.

LY

#spirituality #buddhism #psychology #compassion #yoga #tonglen

[radical-revolution]

Dear ones,

It is heartbreaking and hard to bear as we receive the news from Gaza, Israel, Palestine, Darfur, Myanmar, Ukraine, Yemen and more.

Recently, there are many posts on my sites, asking me to take a stand, especially in regards to the immense suffering and violence that has been happening in Gaza, Israel and Palestine.

My experience in doing peace work in Cambodia and Vietnam, in standing up for the targeted Rohingya in the monasteries of Myanmar, in standing together with Muslim and Jewish and Christian leaders and peace workers across Palestine and Israel and doing peace work elsewhere has taught me one thing:

Most people want peace….. They long for ways to live in peace, to stop the fires of violence and revenge, of fear and the killing of others.

As my beloved friend Mahaghosananda of Cambodia chanted while he led thousands in peace walks back to their homes across the killing fields (after all 19 members of his family were killed and his village was destroyed)…

“Hatred never ceases by hatred.

But by love alone is healed

This is the ancient and eternal law.

Dhammapada

The stand I take is for the stand for peace”

And—

In the words of Rabbi Irwin Keller…

“Today I am taking sides.

I am taking the side of Peace.

Peace, which I will not abandon

even when its voice is drowned out

by hurt and hatred,

bitterness of loss,

cries of right and wrong.

I am taking the side of Peace

whose name has barely been spoken

in this winnerless war.

I will hold Peace in my arms,

and share my body’s breath,

lest Peace be added

to the body count.

I will call for de-escalation

even when I want nothing more

than to get even.

I will do it

in the service of Peace.

I will make a clearing

in the overgrown

thicket of cause and effect

so Peace can breathe

for a minute

and reach for the sky.

I will do what I must

to save the life of Peace.

I will breathe through tears.

I will swallow pride.

I will bite my tongue.

I will offer love

without testing for deservingness.

So don’t ask me to wave a flag today

unless it is the flag of Peace.

Don’t ask me to sing an anthem

unless it is a song of Peace.

Don’t ask me to take sides

unless it is the side of Peace.“

I have asked my social media team to remove the many impassioned posts that call for taking another kind of stand. I want our site to be a zone of peace, and encourage all who wish to stand up in every form, to act and care and do so with love.

With the deepest metta for all beings,

Jack Kornfield

[theloganator101]

Henlo, 

I saw your Actions and Consequences post and I do agree. I'm halfway through season 3 and it's pissing me all the way off. However, it got me thinking of my own little attachment.

A good example of a character facing consequences: My OC.

For Context: My Oc's upcoming arc involves him nearly going off the rails. It's due to the recent events (The training camp, the exams, and so on) happening plus his own insecurity boiling over. He discovers a new move that allows him to create nightmares for his opponents. The issue? His friends (Hagakure, Momo, and Ojiro), boyfriend (Iida), and another classmate (Another OC of mine) become targets. For the sake of not spoiling it: imma say that the nightmares they suffered aren't pretty.

Why this example? Because its going to have severe consequences, but it's done right! Not only did my OC almost risk expulsion (he got house arrest instead), but his relationships with his friends and boyfriend will suffer. 

Hagakure forgave him, but is still a little wery. She won't tell him her weaknesses in fear that he'll use it against her again.

Ojiro and Momo had to spend some time away from my OC before coming out with their answer. Not gonna say because it's spoilery, but their answers are going to be understandable.

Iida nearly BROKE UP with my OC because of what he did. While it took awhile to forgive my OC, he makes it VERY clear that he has to work to earn his trust again.

The classmate (oc2) NEVER forgave my first OC. She makes it clear that while she'll work with him once it comes to teams, she wants Oc1 to stay the hell away from her.

Obviously, this fic is still in the works (if you wanna offer a hand, I appreciate it lol) However, it has a clear set of consequences because of one shitty action taken. Something that I think needs to be written in Bakugou's (maybe Aizawa to an extent) character as a whole.

Oooh this story sounds interesting! I would be more than happy to give feedback on ideas you might have for it!

But this scenario you have for your OC is really good, and reminds me of when I was writing my BNHA oc fic I had my oc face some mental consequences as well.

In my fic my OC was the one to get kidnapped by the LOV and it was beginning to mess with their head, leaving them depressed and lashing out at Sero (Their friend and love interest) about how the others doesn't seem to notice their sad mood and just wanna have the room contest.

It only got worse when they snapped at Monoma, causing them to get in trouble and to meet up with the other teachers after school. They get to a classroom and tell them that they can't keep bottling up their feelings like this and need to confront themselves on what happened that day.

Thinking about it all made them break down in tears, blaming themselves and wishing they died instead of All Might losing his power protecting them. My teacher OC tells them they know what they're feeling and that their pain will eventually get to where they can handle it in a healthier way.

The chapter ends with my OC going back to the dorms and accepting their friends (Sero, Aoyama, Hagakure, and Shoji) offer to watch a movie together, to which they accept and internally admits how that moment is the first time it feels like things can move forward again.

All of this sounds immensely better than just having it all be brushed aside and never mentioned again.

#bnha critical #mha critical

[onetrackminded]

Newly Diagnosed w/ PTSD

It was simultaneously surprising and not surprising. For one, I've known for years now I've probably been suffering from a kind of CPTSD from childhood and adolescence. I've had triggers, flashbacks, and nerve-wracking anxiety for a while. Weirdly enough though, all those things were relatively mild in comparison to my bigger problems (namely bipolar disorder and various neurodiversities).

Three years ago, my trauma symptoms were present but incredibly manageable with some run-of-the-mill Buspar. This is partly due to the fact that I was ignorant to the scope and span of the abuse I faced and was still facing. It was normalized. I believe trauma is much easier to cope with when you're not aware of it and when you're still in it, at least in my case.

Now that I've escaped a three-year-long abusive relationship, all of that has changed. It felt like for the first time, I was experiencing all these new and gravely intense symptoms of trauma. I'm living with my mother now, a situation caused by financial abuse in my previous relationship. I love my mother, and she's endlessly generous and helpful, but living with her and my baby brother feels like trying to re-integrate back into society after leaving a cult.

When I spoke to my therapist about some of the symptoms I was having, she gave me a PTSD questionnaire to fill out. I was weirdly shocked and validated by many of the symptoms listed, such as the ones concerning apathy.

For months at that point, I'd been having issues with feeling much of anything. Even when I'm in the midst of crying and processing my pain, I'll have moments where I completely stop crying and go numb. It's uncanny, and feels like my emotions are heavily compartmentalized.

The worst part of apathy is how it can make you treat people in your life. Every little thing can become irritating. Triggers are everywhere; I've described it before as being like a minefield. There is no avoiding them. That means I frequently suspect the people I love are trying to hurt me, which can cause me to act defensively and short-fused.

Thankfully, the folks in my life right now are very understanding. I always do my best to apologize for my behavior and explore my fears with them, but that is painstakingly difficult. It often feels as though my brain is requiring immense amounts of emotional labor in order to be calm (or something akin to calm).

I have a lot of work to do. More work than I've ever done, arguably. The thing about PTSD is that it requires so much constant diligence. Apathy must be met with a problem-solving attitude: identify the unmet (usually emotional) need, then meet it. Meeting those needs requires walking through the terror, teeth quite literally gritted shut, and trusting that the people around you aren't abusing you even though every fibre of your being is telling you otherwise.

It means staying up late and worrying that you're falling into the same abuse traps again, then needing to analyze and re-analyze with the people around you to quell that fear. Then, once peace is achieved, you get triggered yet again. The cycle repeats sometimes mere minutes after the conclusion of the last. Trauma is sisyphean in this way; pushing boulders up mountains just for it to fall back down. An endless tide of failure.

As pessimistic as I'd like to continue being, I know it gets better. Someday, I'd like to think I'll be able to go weeks without being triggered. Someday, if I work hard enough, I can know peace again, or whatever thing akin to peace I had before.

#ptsd #ptsd recovery #ptsd support #mental health #neurodiversity #psychology #actually cptsd #living with cptsd #complex ptsd #just cptsd things #autism #autism in women

[kfinalgirls]

Welcome to the Dollhouse

°ꕥ°Admin Bibi Presents

°ꕥ°Pairing: Ji Changmin X Bianca (OC) 1st pov

°ꕥ°Genre/trope/au: Horror, smut, non established relationships

°ꕥ°Rating: 18+ MDNI R rated

°ꕥ°Warnings: Kidnapping, torture, swearing, (smut in future chapters)

°ꕥ°Word count: 2,315

°ꕥ°Credits to: @kitsunecafe

°ꕥ°Synopsis: Bianca has been kidnapped and wakes up, with no memory of the night before. She and the hostages must follow the rules of the game master or suffer the consequences

°ꕥ°A/n: I live and breathe horror and K-pop, and this is my first time openly sharing my writing. I want to share this with people who love the same things I do, so enjoy, please🖤

Why is it so cold? Why does my body feel so heavy? Why does my head hurt so fucking much…?

Opening her eyes, Bianca is met with nothingness. It was pitch black wherever she was and she could practically hear her own heart beating out of her chest in the eerie silence surrounding her. Bianca was sitting on something cushiony, assuming it was a couch. She brought her legs up to her chest to calm her racing heart. Taking a few deep breaths, Bia's head started to pound immensely. Fuck! Did someone knock me over the head?

Feeling movement next to her, she covered her mouth so as to not let out a single sound. Unsure of the situation she was tangled in. Bianca didn't want to make any sudden movements, considering her memory was wiped clean at the moment.

"Is someone here next to me?" A man's voice whispered out.

Bia hesitated to respond. "Uh yeah.. who are you?" She squeaked out, hugging her legs tighter to her chest.

He remained silent for a split second before answering. "I'm - I'm not sure." His voice trembled, causing Bia's stomach to drop.

"Where the fuck am I?" A high pitched voice shrieked out in the darkness. Startling Bia, she subconsciously clutched to the random stranger next to her, gripping tightly to his arm. He flinched, but quickly relaxed.

"Hey, someone turn on the fucking lights!" Another voice boomed out, deeper and very aggressive this time.

Bianca heard sniffling coming from somewhere in the dark room but couldn't pinpoint which direction it was coming from. Feeling a little more comfortable, knowing that there were more people around her, she stretched her legs out but couldn't fight that bad feeling in her gut. Telling her that this was a situation she didn't want to be a part of. Bia let go of the stranger and stood up to test the waters and instantly regretted it. Her legs felt like jello, yet her body felt as heavy as bricks. It was as though she had been dragged around by a pickup truck.

"Hey, are you okay there?" The voice next to her spoke out again as she felt his nimble fingers wrap around her wrist protectively.

Chuckling nervously, Bia stretched her body a little more. "Yeah, I'm fine. I just feel like I've been hibernating for ages." She fiddled with her left ear with her free hand.

"How could you be laughing at a time like this?" He asked Bianca, fear and shock very evident in his voice. He was right. She shouldn't be laughing in such a situation, but Bia couldn't help it. The stranger let go of her once she seemed okay, but she couldn't drop the feeling of him staring at her, even through the dark.

Apologizing, Bia waved her hands in front of her, hoping she was facing the right direction of his voice. "I'm sorry. I don't mean to laugh, but we don't know what's going on, and I'm a nervous giggler." He hummed in response.

There were a few more groans heard around them, as more people were starting to wake up one by one. "Ohhh, what's this? Are we in some sort of Febreze commercial?" Another female voice appeared, fairly close to Bianca.

"I doubt this is a Febreze commercial," She snorted. "It smells dusty and old in here." Bia added, massaging her temples, trying to get this intense headache to dissipate.

"Okay, how many people are in here?" The aggressive voice called out to the room. Before anyone could reply, though, the lights dimly flickered on. The guests had looks of confusion and worry. Some had been crying, and some were still unconscious. Bianca squinted at the sudden lighting, taking in all her surroundings, but nothing and no one looked familiar to her. This place looked like it had never seen a living soul, an old Victorian home with its windows boarded up completely, drapes covering the furniture, cobwebs, and dust all over. It was like a scene out of a horror movie.

This has to be some kind of joke…right?

"Hey you! The one with the curly brown hair. What's your name?" That deep voice startled Bia from behind. Turning around to see who it belonged to, she silently stared at him. Going through her mind if she recognized him, to which she didn't. He had a head of wavy brunette hair and sensitive eyes that sucked you in.

Blinking a few times, it hit Bia. "I'm? I actually have no clue what my name is." She stood there dumbfounded. She had no recollection of what she had been doing before waking up in this house.

"What do you mean you don't know what your name is? Do you have dementia or something?" A girl with long red orange hair exclaimed at Bia, who she thought was the one that shrieked earlier.

"Okey carrot top, what the fuck is your name then?" Bia crossed her arms, immediately getting defensive at the redhead's attitude towards her.

"...." She pursed her pink lips and stared at the ground "I'm not sure either."

"Ahh exactly, so calmada mi tia." Bia snapped her fingers at the girl.

"Okay calm down you two, it seems none of us can remember our names, or how the fuck we even got here." A muscular, angelic like man came between the two before a brawl started.

Looking around, Bia noticed there were seven of them in total, four men and three women. The stranger next to her had been sitting so quiet. She almost forgot he was there till he spoke up. "Do you guys think we're in some sort of danger?" He asked, barely above a whisper. He looked plain in her eyes, glasses, dull raven locks, like he couldn't even harm a fly and probably read books about rocks for fun.

I don't know any of these people. Have I run across them before? Bianca thought to herself as she took a good look at everyone.

"Fuck me, that must have been some party." A brunette girl with a bowl haircut rubbed her eyes, taking everything in. "Hmm? Wait? Who are you people?" She asked everyone, her face mimicking their confusion.

One of the guys whose voice was smooth as butter, kneeled in front of the newly awoken women. "Can you remember anything that's happened recently? Or your own name?" He gently spoke to her. Ms. Mullet's eyes widened as she tried desperately to think back on how she got here.

"The only thing I can recall was being shit faced at a party and then nothing." She gasped, panic settling comfortably in her green orbs.

"I see everyone is awake now! Welcome to my Dollhouse." A robotic sounding voice came from a nearby speaker.

"Dollhouse?" Bianca asked quietly to no one in particular. The timid man she was sitting next to, stood up beside her and stayed close to her, feeling his warmth near was comforting for Bia.

The statuesque man walks up to the speaker with no hesitation. "Is this some sort of game or trick? Why are we here? And why can't we remember anything?" He growled.

The stranger's voice was terrifyingly menacing for a robotic tone. "There are clues in this room as to who you are. Figure out your names. Once you think you have the answer, I want you to look through one of the eight paintings with your supposed name above them." The voice explained.

The hostages looked around the room and noticed there were eight similar paintings, each portraying a gruesome death scene. "What the actual fuck…" the annoying red head whispered to herself. Above them were names, just as the voice said.

Seulgi, Yeosang, Hyerin, James, Bianca, Kevin, Yerin, and Vernon. They read, and right underneath the canvases were two eyeholes.

"If you happen to get your name right. You should see a photo of yourself. But if you get it wrong…well there will be a little surprise for you. Good luck, my little toys~" With those final instructions, the speaker went silent.

"What kind of fuckery is this?!" The kind eyed man angrily punched the wall beside him.

Bianca flinched at his reaction. She sat quietly on the couch, hugging herself as panic washed over her whole body. "I think we should follow his instructions." She whispered.

"Yeah, I'm going to have to agree with Ms. Curly, we don't know what this person is capable of." The smooth voiced guy agreed with her. He stood up straight and started walking around to examine the photos and names.

Kind eyed man glared between the speaker and the group of strangers. "Please, what can this punk do? He didn't even have the balls to show his face to us. Telling us we're his precious "dolls." He's nothing but some pussy hiding behind a wall who has nothing better to do." He spat bitterly, flipping off the speaker.

Well... I guess we know who's dying first. Bianca raised her eyebrows.

"He's a pussy that managed to somehow get us all in here and not remember anything?" The platinum mullet girl rolled her eyes, repeating everything he just said because it sounded so stupid. "You need to calm down your testosterone. We're all scared."

Nodding along, Bia was about to ask the timid man next to her what his thoughts were, but her words stopped in her throat as soon as she looked into his eyes. They were dark and sharp, staring daggers at the bigger man. It sent a bad feeling in the pit of Bianca's stomach and she didn't want to sit near him any longer. Standing up and walking around to look for clues of who she could be, she tripped over one more person who had yet to wake up.

Gently nudging them, they didn't move. After a few more times, Bia finally smacked the back of their head and got a groan in response. "What's going on over here?" The angelic guy rushed over to help the person up.

They were sporting a short blue pixie cut. Oh? Another woman, so it's an even amount of us… she sat up and looked like hell, makeup running down her face, hair matted and in every direction, eyes bloodshot.

"Damn girl, you look terrible." Bianca accidentally said out loud. The angel man gave her a look of disapproval as she immediately apologized.

The new girl groaned again and chuckled. "I feel terrible, too. Where the hell are we?... actually, who are you guys?" She turned her head in every direction.

"That's what we're trying to figure out." Kind eyes appeared before them. "Do you have any recollection of what you were doing in the last 24 hours or so?" He asked, aggression clearly part of his tone.

Pixie girl had no clue what was going on and simply shook her head. Bianca stepped away and continued to look for clues. Studying the gruesome portraits, she noticed that they almost resembled them. But the names above them, do they match? Or is it to throw us off?

Bianca found a portrait with someone that resembled her, but the name above it read Kevin. Something was telling her that her name was probably not kevin. Looking around the room, studying the strangers in here, her eyes landed on Mr. Smooth voice.

Calling him over, she pointed to her photo. "This is me, but I don't think my name is Kevin. You look more like a Kevin." Bia took a good look at him again and felt positive that his portrait was behind those two little holes.

"Tch- do I give Kevin vibes?" He gives her a dirty–but playful look. Her eyes widened, embarrassed and not wanting to offend anyone.

"I mean… kinda." She gave him a sheepish smile. He busted out laughing, a laugh so loud, it surprised her that someone with such a soft voice could elicit such a sound.

"Ahhh, you're right, I do look like a Kevin. Should I look through it?" He raised his eyebrows, asking Bianca. "I'm scared to look, but it would be a start to figuring shit out."

Bia chewed on the inside of her cheek and nodded. "I think you should do it." Before he leaned in though, the speaker went off again, startling everyone, a few curses slipping.

"You guys have less than an hour and no one has looked through the peep holes yet. Maybe I should just kill everyone now and get a new set of dolls." The voice threatened, clicking off. The room was filled with gasps and cries.

"What does he mean by kill us all?" The redhead shrieked.

"What do you think he means carrot top?!" Bianca rolled her eyes, but fear had taken over, and she was trying hard not to scream and cry. Who she had assumed was Kevin, set his hand on her shoulder to relax her, and gave Bia a small smile.

"Are you going to look through that one, man?" Mullet girl asked worriedly, eyeing the canvas and the name above it. "I guess you do look like a Kevin, but that image ain't you." She commented.

He nodded and took a deep breath. The tension in the room was high. Suddenly, everyone was surrounding the three as the first person was preparing to look into the eyeholes. Bia felt her hands get clammy as she lightly grabbed his arm to give him some comfort. There was a moment of silence where everyone held their breath as he leaned his face closer and closer, his dark orbs full of dread finally peeking through the holes…

#The boyz smut #kpop horror #changmin the boyz #ji changmin #oc x ji changmin #the boyz scenarios #Admin Bibi presents #<3

[the-demon-prodigy]

oba yozo and warped perception

ok heres an absolutely giant analysis (its 2k words ermm) that i wrote in an essay format! i cant rlly say im proud of its strength as an essay but i do like the concepts i brought up here so i might eventually redo but it took me literally a week so i cant not post it

yozo is my little guy i want to put him under a microscope and study him like a bug/aff

its under the cut :]

TW: su1cide, s3xual a$sault, misogyny (all mentioned, not depicted)

Osamu Dazai’s No Longer Human, a Japanese literary classic, is told through the writings of the protagonist, Oba Yozo. Yozo is a deeply traumatized and alienated human being, and his perception of both himself and others is distorted by his traumatic experiences.

Yozo makes the judgement very early on in his life that he lacks what constitutes humanity. He separates himself from humans because of this, but unable to renounce their society as he is, he instead opts to display a public facade of light-heartedness and, on occasion, foolishness. Yozo feared that which he did not understand, and he therefore feared people, finding them and their society riddled with unspoken societal guidelines, utterly incomprehensible. (It’s likely that Yozo only feared the unknown so much and only came to this conclusion due to his intelligence, which he is mentioned to have, at least academically. Generally, it would be extremely unlikely that Yozo is an unintelligent character, seeing as how often he pokes and prods at the philosophical and existential.)

Yozo finds himself inhuman, due to how he fails to understand that which humans seem to be born into this world understanding. Additionally, he lacks something in his nature that he believes to be absolutely inherent to humans: a deep, animalistic anger. Yozo never describes being angry throughout the book; he only fears, and fears, and fears some more, until he fears every last thing in this world. It’s likely that this immense fear came only as a result of the life he led. Even in his teenage and adult years, he gauges himself to not be seen as a friend or even a person to some of the people he knew, thus determining that he had never made a friend. And, having been sexually assaulted at a very young age, it’s only natural that Yozo would believe human beings to be cruel and animalistic by nature, hence justifying his fear. 

The childhood trauma that Yozo suffered also caused further complications in his life, outside of the obvious feelings of needing to please in order to be ‘safe’. Yozo seems to have difficulty processing/facing outright his emotions and traumatic events, his flowery style of writing carefully dancing around describing exactly what happened to him. I doubt that Yozo has truly suppressed the memories of his childhood, but he at least doesn’t process them correctly. Yozo also does this in regards to things that remind him of his trauma or, in other words, trigger him.

It’s important to note that the presentation of No Longer Human is inherently biased. There is not a single scene told from objective reality, even in the prologue and epilogue which aren’t told in Yozo’s perspective. While the unreliable narration is pivotal to exploring the recesses of the human mind, it’s impossible to grasp exactly what actually happened at any given point. Had Yozo outright lied about certain things? Were there times when he had forgotten important memories that eventually constituted his personality? Yozo himself even admits to having a side of him that exaggerates for effect, not even to his benefit, and it leads a reader to wonder just how much was affected by that trait of his. 

In the epilogue, one of Yozo’s acquaintances says that the way that his life turned out was due to his father: “it’s his father’s fault.” However, Yozo barely talked about his father in the book, save for mentioning his fear of being reprimanded, which was par for the course for anyone that Yozo spoke to. Although his father did affect the way that Yozo lived, with the information that Yozo gave, it would be impossible to say accurately that it was his father’s fault. 

Although it’s tempting to instead say that Yozo’s unfortunate circumstances only worsened because of him, it’s important to note that Yozo demonizes himself endlessly. Yozo feared humans to the point of decreeing all on his own that he was disqualified from their race, but he still sought out love from human beings. He still wished for connection, but because of Yozo’s deep-seated self-hatred which came only as a result of seeing the most distasteful parts of humanity as a young child and feeling alienated from that, Yozo ended up separating himself. However, Yozo states over and over again that he fakes things, that he has a facade, that he only plays the clown and is not one, but it’s impossible to tell whether Yozo was truly the faker he thought that he was or if that was truly his personality and he simply didn’t know it. 

No Longer Human also has misogynistic themes, at times. While Yozo states that this is because he finds women to be boring, it’s possible that he is, once again, being unreliable, and the true reason that he has an aversion to women is because he experienced sexual assault at the hands of women from a young age and, many times throughout his life, he has experienced love with women that failed to come to proper fruition, hence causing his aversion to women and becoming attached to them.

Yozo spends the majority of the book fairly lost, not understanding humans, not understanding himself. So who is to say that Yozo was truly a liar, or that he simply thought that he was? It’s possible that Yozo only internalized the concept that he was a calculating, deceptive young man in order to make the thought that humans would never love him easier to swallow. 

Yozo being the intelligent and alienated sort of person that he is, he comes across as slightly conceited at times, seeing as he’s rather opinionated, and internally refers to one of his acquaintances as an utter fool completely lacking in artistry, for example. With this acquaintance, he plays two word games, and his opinions can tell us quite a bit about him. The first game is about tragic versus comic nouns. Yozo believes that, just as pronouns can be divided between masculine, feminine, and neutral, nouns can be divided between tragic and comic. It’s primarily a game of connotation (for example: steamship and steam engine are tragic, while bus and streetcar and comic). 

Of the highlights of this game is that Yozo’s first opinion is that death is comic, while life is tragic. This is a reflection of his unique view on death, specifically him seeing it as a sort of cathartic relief, in comparison to life. Yozo views his own life, particularly, as shameful, making it tragic.

The second game is about antonyms. Yozo’s first example is that black is the antonym of white, but the antonym of white is red, and the antonym of red is black. In order to get a different result each time, you will need to repeatedly switch your perspective. Black and white are visually in opposition. Red is only the antonym of white figuratively, however. White is surrender while red is offense, white is purity while red is tainted. Black is the antonym of red in that red is fierce and passionate, while black is empty and void.

These also reflect Yozo’s personality. He is visually the opposite to humans, seen in how an outsider views his photos in the prologue. He is tainted, or corrupted, because of the crime that was perpetrated upon him as a child. Yozo also experiences his emotions in a complex way, sometimes void, like ‘black’, but at other times too heavily, like ‘red’. 

(And you, dear reader, may ask, “Aren’t you focusing too much on Yozo’s sexual trauma?” and I’d respond, “No Longer Human is an inherently subjective work due to the lack of representation of an objective reality. Yozo may ignore his sexual trauma more often than not, but I don’t have to, as that kind of experience is part of what created the ‘Oba Yozo’ that we come to see in the novel, regardless of how often it is directly addressed.”)

It’s also important to note that this example that Yozo provides is a one-way street. Black to white, then white to red, then red to black. Red is not the antonym of white, despite the fact that white is the antonym of red, because the antonym of white is black. This disjointed yet ultimately related style of thinking is reminiscent of the way that Yozo fails to properly reconcile all the concepts that he contemplates daily and how he fails to process things that were traumatic.

A highlight of the little antonym game that Yozo and his acquaintance played was when Yozo’s acquaintance mentioned that the antonym of crime was sure to be ‘the law’. Yozo internally scoffs at the concept, and states that crime belonged to a different category. Through the following paragraphs, it becomes apparent that Yozo sees crime as being a moral concept at heart. Whether or not something is a crime is not dictated by whether it defies the law or not, but by an intrinsic judgement system that exists within the heart of all people. He also states that vice is different from crime. Vice is a societal construct in Yozo’s eyes, whilst crime is not. Crime always exists and will continue to, even if there are no people in existence to observe it. Crime may even be above morality in a sense; there exists things that are crimes even to the earth itself. To Yozo, at least. 

To Yozo, punishment is the antonym of crime. Through a reflection of Dostoevsky's work, Yozo came to the conclusion that crime would only be paired with punishment if they were meant to be of completely opposite affiliation.  The reason his brain works in this way is because of the unique life that Yozo has led. Because the most horrific of crimes that were perpetrated upon him were met with no punishment, it’s only natural that he would see the two as inherently disconnected concepts.

Yozo also loses plenty of people important to him; Tsuneko and his father, to name two. Although the grief that Yozo experiences is very rarely directly addressed by him, it’s crucial to take into account the effect of these events on Yozo. He spends the latter parts of the book impacted by grief, and it shapes the ‘Yozo’ that we see. There is no objective reality in No Longer Human, there is only the clouded lens that Yozo views it through, and this concept permeates the entire story, which means that if, perhaps, Yozo hadn’t lost the people that he did, the second half of the story would be different. The entire book would be different if told from the perspective of someone else; this is where the truly genius subtext of the novel lies, in the fact that almost everything that the viewer ends up consuming about the story is Yozo’s own thoughts, inseparable from the experience of reading the novel.

“He was a good boy, an angel,” is the final line of No Longer Human, said about Yozo by one of the people who knew him. The unlovable, monstrous, deceptive Yozo that he claimed himself to be for his entire life was perceived as an angel by those around him. Yozo accentuated the many ways he had been taken advantage of, the things he had to keep secret, and yet someone who barely knew him was fond of him in a way he would never process as true had he been present for that moment. One might even say that there were a number of people in this world who loved Yozo.

By existing in a world that he determined could only ever be lonely, Yozo’s perception of humans was warped by the multitude of ways that he had been broken by others, and his perception of himself was warped by his personal opposition to the definition of ‘human’ that he had crafted. This is the core of what makes No Longer Human tragic: the fact that Yozo was seeing an emptier world than all others, and he had given up on his life before it began. That Yozo will never see the world that he lived in for what it truly was.

#pls dont let this flop bro i spent a wholeass week on it/lh #☆thoughts☆ #☆analysis☆ #☆scheduled☆ #bsd analysis #bungou stray dogs #no longer human #oba yozo #classic literature #japanese literature #osamu dazai #dazai osamu

[lunaprincipessa]

ENTRY THIRTY-SIX

Struggling a lot lately with the thought and feeling of being broken. What exactly is it though? I can feel it through and through but putting into words is something else. I looked up a random definition. It said:

"People who feel emotionally broken have low self-esteem and tend to be unhappy. You may feel hopelessness or in despair. Perhaps you feel inadequate or unworthy of love. Of course, none of these things are true, but they are common for people who believe they are broken."

That's pretty much how I would describe what I'm going through. I don't have a healthy self-image and any joy I come across in life is often overshadowed by fear and sadness. There is disparity and hopelessness because... what if it's too late? I feel inadequate in a lot of aspects in life and yes, I feel unworthy of love most of the time despite how badly I wish and long for it. As far as the definition goes, is that it? I looked up another definition. It said:

"The terminology of "broken soul" may refer to someone experiencing mental or emotional instability due to their life experiences or past trauma. Signs of a "broken soul" include someone who wants to be alone, has low self-esteem or self-worth, and may feel unworthy of being loved."

Ok, so there's a little more detail, and one that I also resonate with. On a more philosophical side, I believe the flesh can be broken but not the soul. That's a whole other entry though. Continuing on... I admit to, and acknowledge my mental and emotional instability due to life experience and trauma. About 80% of my life so far has been rotten between physical abuse, rape, getting stolen from, being cheated on, an immense amount of loss (both loved ones and sentimental items), betrayal, working hard since the age of 14 yet having nothing to show for it, and circumstances beyond my control robbing me of much needed life-changing opportunities. That's just to name a few.

Life has not been easy for me, amongst millions of others that have experienced the same thing. True, no one said life would be fair, but no one warned us about how severely it can beat you down, doesn't matter if you're a good person. In fact, being a good person only guarantees you'll suffer more than the average. I do want to be alone but that's because of trust issues. I want a significant other, I want friends, I want that sense of community more than anything else but I've been hurt so damn much, I don't even know if I can trust it when it does come around. It's a very lonely and exhausting thing to go through. Again with the self-esteem and self-worth, to which I have none.

I feel as though middle age and being a single mother has caused me to lose value as a human being. American society certainly doesn't help with its hatred against single mothers and the passiveness toward the men who abandoned their families. I know I can love and care for someone, but am I even worthy of it in the first place? This is my struggle, the battle I fight with an unsharpened sword and a cracked shield. I was never prepared for what I endured, or the aftermath afterward.

These are the definitions I found searching for just that, "broken person definition," or "what makes a broken person?" What if I changed the key words in the search? How about, "how do I know if I'm broken?" It said:

"Feeling overwhelming sadness, stress, or having altered eating or sleeping patterns are common in people who express feeling broken or after something traumatic had happened. Some people report feeling physical symptoms, such as body aches and digestive issues."

Yes to all unfortunately. The sadness and stress is immobilizing to say the least. Makes me want to give up and lose interest in general. The trauma and the unmedicated ADHD is forever fucking with my eating and sleep patterns. Some days, I can't be bothered with solid food if I forget, if l don't care, or if the lack of self-esteem internally screams insults at me, causing unhealthy weight loss. Our generation didn't have the body positively that younger women have today. The aches, the exhaustion, the stomach issues... all gifts from trauma and a rough fuckin life. Thanks. 😑 As if the experiences themselves weren't enough to go through, here comes life with a handful of salt for the open wounds.

I keep going though. I just pick up the broken pieces and I keep going. I have no idea what the future holds or if there's really any point to anything but I keep going. I have to. We gotta fight for our kids and we gotta outlive our enemies. Because that is the real revenge against anything or anyone that ever tried to hurt us, thriving.

More thoughts later.

#broken #broken soul