#worried about life

[cfs-crohns-colitis-warrior]

It sucks being chronically ill. I want to be able to make money to pay my own way in life, to pay for my share of things, but I can’t work at the moment, maybe ever, so how am I supposed to do that?

A normal job is out of the question, I tried that in 2021 and struggled a lot after only about a month of part time work, and it was fairly straight forward and easy stuff, just basic filing etc.

Working from home is tough too. I don’t know if I’ll always be able to do the hours requested, because I never know what kind of week, day or even hour I’m going to have. I might manage all my work one work, the next I might not manage any of it. I’m going to struggle finding something flexible and simple enough for me to do (cause I don’t have that many skills) and even if I find something suitable it’s not guaranteed I’ll even get the job, especially since they’re more likely to go with someone who will be more reliable.

Then there’s the fact that I only have so much energy, and it’s always a debate on how to spend it. I have to use so much for showering, eating, just basic living to keep myself alive and clean basically. The thing is, I don’t want all my remaining energy to just go on work and earning money, because what kind of life is that? I want to be able to enjoy my time too. I want to be able to sit and read for a bit before bed, I want to be able to use my energy to cook delicious food or to help keep the house clean. But after all that, what energy is there left for work?

Even starting my own business will be a struggle. I doubt I’ll ever earn enough that it would be a replacement for a part time job, let alone a full time one. It’s just my hobby that I want to use to earn a little money from, because it’s much more flexible for me to do. The truth is though, I can only manage so much, and what happens if I stop being able to make anything?

Sure, at the moment I’m on benefits which helps me pay board and my phone bill etc, and I’m able to budget money for other stuff like entertainment when I can manage it and for going out for food, but I pay for very minimal things since I still live at home with my mum and dad.

What on Earth will happen when I’m able to move in with my boyfriend? My benefits will likely stop, since they don’t view someone as an individual, and so all money issues will fall to him. I’ll have to rely on him to pay for everything, and he’ll be the sole earner, earning barely enough money for one person, and having to pay for two. I don’t want him to pay for everything. I want to be able to pay for my own stuff, but I’m just too ill to be able to afford it. What the hell am I supposed to do?

My dad had a decent job, and my mum didn’t work and wasn’t able to get any benefits, so my dad has always paid for everything. I’ve seen first hand the kind of strain that can put on a relationship. My illnesses will already put a lot of strain on us before money even gets involved. Now I’m worried about how everything will affect my relationship and what on Earth we’re going to do. All I want to do right now is go to bed and go to sleep, but I’m too worried about the damn future thanks to unforeseeable illnesses that take everything from a person and they have no way to stop it or reverse it.

All I can hope for right now is that there’s something out there for me, some way to earn an okay amount of money at least, or that there’ll somehow be some miracle cure found soon that means I’ll be able to work a normal job again.

Anyway, another rant over, worries out of my head a bit. This is basically just a way for me to voice my thoughts and feelings to try and not keep it all bottled up inside me. I hope other peoples lives are going better than mine right now…

#chronic illness warrior #chronic fatigue syndrome #myalgic encephalomyelitis #cfs/me #chronic illness #awareness #chronic illnesses #crohn’s disease #exhaustion #me/cfs #crohn’s colitis #crohn’s warrior #crohn’s and colitis #money #money worries #worried about money #worried #worried about life #worried about the future #stress #stressed

[ionomycin]

Mother of Pearl

#artists on tumblr #seahorses are cute aren't they #how are we coping with the heat wave everyone? #i'm too busy having like three different kind of existential crises #to worry about it being too hot #hot girl summer more like nonstop anxiety summer #pondering the fact that nothing is permanent #can't rely on anything to last #life is just #drifting in a sea of uncertainty #but anyway #happy pride month #be gay #eat ice cream #don't think about your mortality

[stromblessed]

Mizu, femininity, and fallen sparrows

In my last post about Mizu and Akemi, I feel like I came across as overly critical of Mizu given that Mizu is a woman who - in her own words - has to live as a man in order to go down the path of revenge.

If she is ever discovered to be female by the wrong person, she will not only be unable to complete her quest, but there's a good chance that she'll be arrested or killed.

So it makes complete sense for Mizu to distance herself as much as possible from any behavior that she feels like would make someone question her sex.

I felt so indignant toward Mizu on my first couple watchthroughs for this moment. Why couldn't Mizu bribe the woman and her child's way into the city too? If Mizu is presenting as a man, couldn't she claim to be the woman's escort?

However, this moment makes things pretty clear. Mizu knows all too well the plight of women in her society. She knows it so well that she cannot risk ever finding herself back in their position again. She helps in what little way she can - without drawing attention to herself.

Mizu is not a hero and she is not one to make of herself a martyr - she will not set herself on fire to keep others warm. There's room to argue that Mizu shouldn't prioritize her quest over people's lives, but given the collateral damage Mizu can live with in almost every episode of season 1, Mizu is simply not operating under that kind of morality at this point. ("You don't know what I've done to reach you," Mizu tells Fowler.)

And while I still feel like Mizu has an obvious and established blind spot when it comes to Akemi because of their differences in station, such that Mizu's judgment of Akemi and actions in episode 5 are the result of prejudice rather than the result of Mizu's caution, I also want to establish that Mizu is just as caged as Akemi is, despite her technically having more freedom while living as a man.

Mizu can hide her mixed race identity some of the time, and she can hide her sex almost all of the time, but being able to operate outside of her society's strict rules for women does not mean she cannot see their plight.

It does not mean she doesn't hurt for them.

Back to Mizu and collateral damage, remember that sparrow?

While Mizu is breaking into Boss Hamata's manse, she gets startled by a bird and kills it on reflex. She then cradles it in her hands - much more tenderly than we've seen Mizu treat almost anything up to this point in the season:

She then puts it in its nest, with its unhatched eggs. Almost like she's trying to make the death look natural. Or like an accident.

You see where I'm going with this.

When Mizu kills Kinuyo, Mizu lingers in the moment, holding the body tenderly:

And btw a lot of stuff about this show hit me hard, but this remains the biggest gut punch of them all for me, Mizu holding that poor girl's body close, GOD

When Mizu arranges the "scene of the crime," Kinuyo's body is delicate, birdlike. And Mizu is so shaken afterward that she gets sloppy. She's horrified at this kill to the point that she can't bring herself to take another innocent life - the boy who rats her out.

MIZU'S ONE MOMENT OF SOFTNESS AND MERCY, COMING ON THE HEELS OF HER NEEDING TO KILL A GIRL TO SPARE HER THE WORST FATE THAT THIS RIGID SOCIETY HAS TO OFFER WOMEN, AND TO SPARE A BROTHEL FULL OF INNOCENT WOMEN WHO ARE THE CASTOFFS OF SOCIETY, NEARLY RESULTS IN ALL OF THEIR DEATHS

No wonder Mizu is as stoic and cold as she is.

And no wonder Mizu has no patience for Akemi whatsoever right before the terrible reveal and the fight breaks out:

Speaking of Akemi - guess who else is compared to a bird!

The plumage is more colorful, a bit flashier. But a bird is a bird.

And, uh

Yeah.

I like to think that Mizu killing the sparrow is not only foreshadowing for what she must do to Kinuyo, but is also a representation of the choice she makes on Akemi's behalf. She decides to cage the bird because she believes the bird is "better off." Better off caged than... dead.

But because Mizu doesn't know Akemi or her situation, she of course doesn't realize that the bird is fated to die if it is caged and sent back home.

Mizu is clearly not happy, or pleased, or satisfied by allowing Akemi to be dragged back to her father:

But softness and mercy haven't gotten Mizu anywhere good, recently.

There is so much tragedy layered into Mizu's character, and it includes the things she has to witness and the choices she makes - or believes she has to make - involving women, when she herself can skirt around a lot of what her society throws at women. Although, I do believe that it comes at the cost of a part of Mizu's soul.

After all, I'm gonna be haunted for the rest of this show by Mizu's very first prayer in episode 1:

"LET" her die. Because as Ringo points out, she doesn't "know how" to die.

Kind of like another bird in this show:

#blue eye samurai #mizu #akemi #kinuyo #bes #women are birds okay they are BIRDS #the let me die line is so SCARY AND SAD like a part of Mizu wants death but she cant? she doesnt know how?? excuse you show??? #when all these other delicate birds are dying all around her #akemis character gets more and more gutwrenching upon subsequent rewatches because whenever she says her life is in danger #NO ONE BELIEVES HER - certainly not other women #because shes rich and pampered and that means shes safe and is worrying about nothing right? right????? #and it turns out that all of akemis instincts were right and she was in danger the ENTIRE TIME #also I need to make a post just for kinuyo because I am sad

[stuckinapril]

friend wanted to see my tumblr, and when i told him i can’t show it to him bc it’s basically my personal diary he went “oh so I can’t see it but a bunch of strangers on tumblr can??” he literally does not get me. no one will get me like the people in my phone get me

#It’s just so different #even though it’s public it still feels secret and safe. i feel comfy sharing a lot more on here than I do in my actual day to day life lol #in my head I’m also just speaking to myself 90% of the time which helps #if a friend off tumblr saw my thoughts I’d feel so weird ab it #esp bc they might get the vagueposting about certain situations and tell mutual friends #no thank u. this is for me. I’m not about to start censoring my thoughts bc someone I know knows my tumblr #u guys literally saw me have LIVE BREAKDOWNS #meanwhile I’ll have the worst fucking day in history and tell no one about it. I’m already cripplingly private but way more so in real life #this is basically a low stress journaling outlet for me. it’s so important for me to maintain the separation #like this is actually my diary & has been so handy for letting out emotions / articulating thoughts / staying on track !! #& I’ve met so many kind people on here who actually get me. which is so hard to find irl bc I’m surrounded by pre-med gunners/overachievers #who are by standard not very good w emotion & can be competitive/judgmental. or at least it’s hard for me to be vulnerable in front of them #and I’m part of that crowd so I reserve my emotions only to a handful of very close friends #it’s nice to hop on here and express negative emotions!! or positive emotions!! just whatever I want and it’s low stress and people get me #I don’t have to worry about judgment or competitiveness etc etc #like everyone on here is so kind & nice & understanding. & just a breath of fresh air from the types I run w. it’s just nice to have this #so idk that’s why I think I’ll always be strict about keeping the worlds separate. it just works #p

[gayvampyr]

this might be a hot take but i actually don’t think humans were meant to know what is going on in everyone’s lives all over the world every second of the day and constantly be available for conversations or collaborations or call-ins for work and texts and phone calls and social media posts without end. i think we were supposed to just help the people around us and spend time with our family and friends and eat yummy bread and berries and relax

#‘did you know x celebrity did this thing and now they’re getting cancelled?’ no. why does that concern me #idgaf about celebrities #and like. mental exhaustion and guilt are not good or sustainable substitutions for real help and activism #sometimes it’s ok to just. unplug and worry about your own life #im not saying you should stop caring but you also shouldn’t guilt yourself to death over something you have zero control over #text post #top posts #5k #20k #30k #40k #50k #60k #70k

[daftmooncretin]

last three seasons spn are crazy. its just dean being borderline suicidal while sam tries to fix it by basically dangling his keys at him and going : “dean look! cowboys!” “dean look! strip club!” “dean look! haunted action figure.”

Meanwhile castiel is like i see that dean is suicidal, this is clearly my fault so i will remedy this by dying.

#and then dean is fixed by jack getting him a yogurt from the fridge or some shit #dean: yeah i just dont believe theres any point living any more. sam: huh dean are you ok? that sure was a funny thing to say #dean: yeah i just dont believe theres a point to life anymore. cas: don’t worry dean. i’ll always be here. *dies* #dean:yeah i just don’t believe theres a point to living anymore. jack: bummer. want to play mario kart? #dean: sure kid why not #destiel #dean winchester #spn #sam winchester #supernatural #but seriously #i feel like we dont talk about how dean was trying to die at the slightest inconvenience in the later seasons and its like??? bestie???

[inkskinned]

something bad happened to you, and you died, and you came back wrong.

not wrong all the way. the little ways. you forget important dates, stopped going out with friends. it's harder to make you smile. you're apathetic towards things you used to love, afraid of places you used to go to cheer up. quieter. flinching. different.

you came back for love. you're still here for love. what pulled you back was a brightness so loud that even death couldn't outshout it. death heard the call and smiled at you and said okay. go home. somebody is waiting for you.

but you came back different. like lot's wife; you've turned into salt. you used to chirp through life in hops and skips; but now you lose skin just standing up. you have to move slower, skimming across this world without-touching-it. most things feel dull - until they're suddenly all-too-much. life, and being alive just rushes up and over you and you get hopelessly crushed.

you try to explain it to them: it is ugly, but this is what you are, now. the huge golden hoop of your halo now a little bronze ring. you are still watering your plants and wearing the same clothes. after all, you worked hard to come home. this life; so odd and off-color, now that you are wrong.

but they waited for you - it's just that they wanted the "you" that happened before this. the "you" that could sing in the show and hug people tight and look at a blade without breaking down to cry. the you with a smile in pictures. god, holyshit, it's like looking at a completely different person, isn't it. that other-you; the one they actually wanted.

you are the consolation prize. you are the body that forgot the ghost. you are the memory of the bad thing, and the death after; like you are wearing that memory as a banner. you are a fragment, an assembly. simulacrum. you don't make eye contact in mirrors, afraid the light will glance off and your true nature will flash back at you.

you hear them talk about it in their hushed, desperate whispers. sometimes they even admit it to your face; harsh and violent, acid thrown at christmas dinner. god, can you just fucking be normal again. you do not remember what normal is. you had to climb so far to get back here; you are far too exhausted. you want to open the glass door of your heart and show all the gears. can you help resolve whatever got messed up?

you try so, so hard. you came back for them. because you believed they would love you, even when you were so horribly broken. because you believed they would be patient. because you believed unconditional meant "without exception." you cannot do things the same way. you just get tired too quickly these days.

you want to put them on a couch and pour them the tea with hands that shake more than they remember. you want to line them up and draw them a map of where you have had to wander. you want to show every bruise in a backsplash; the little helpless ant of your soul carrying all that weight, over and over. you want to say: yes! it is different! but i did it for love!

you want to say: "i'm not the same, but i'm yours and i'm here. can that be enough?"

#this is very obviously about my battle with #ptsd #but i think it's also like a pretty apt metaphor for a lot of things like setting boundaries or going to therapy or choosing recovery #i was thinking about the 'comes back wrong' trope and i was like. oh no i have feelings about this bc i have mental illness #and once i stopped masking - i was WRONG. i was different #here's the good news: i am now INNUNDATED with love. fucking swimming in it. excelling at it. the people who stayed #learned my new self. my new different body and how i am different but i am trying. they have held me so tightly #and my life no longer feels quiet. it is not based in my suffering. it feels like i have been growing a tree in my chest #and now it is flowering. #it is so lovely to be surrounded by people who have said - oh! you cut off so many branches i was worried you weren't the same. but now... #... this is just a new you. and i love you. and i love that you're different and happy. #(but yeah also im nb so i was absolutely influenced by Trans things)

[ministarfruit]

day 12: karma ♡

(femslashfeb prompt list)

#minifemslashfeb2024 #ace attorney #franmaya #franziska von karma #maya fey #noooo babygirl don't have the same generational trauma as me aha ur so sexy #we're the. we're the daughters of the . the legends we don't want to inherit #'mini did you draw franz for this prompt solely because her name is von karma' don't worry about it #HONESTLY DID NOT THINK I WAS GONNA MAKE THIS ONE #had to go to the dentist today instead of drawing yuri #life is so cruel </3 #but it's okay I have to shill my narrative foils agenda #back at it with the franmayas.... #WHO LOVES PARALLELS #ME!! I LOVE PARALLELS!!!! #'karma' is referred to very loosely in this #but my idea personally was that they're betraying their family legacies #and THAT is karma for the way they were treated growing up #yeah I had all these thoughts at the dentist btw #thinking about yuri while two women have their hands in my mouth (professional) (normal) (not clickbait) #hope that helps

[wuntrum]

everyone whos reblogging this owes me 10 dollars and then i would never have to complain about money on tumblr dot com ever again

#personal #if i never worried about money again it would actually change my life

[ryllen]

good luck little drifloon ! ✧o(•̀⤙•́o )

#there was a whole commotion about silver about to get abducted to after life by a drifloon in the school ground that sebek had to get to it #don't worry the drifloon is silver's #twst #twisted wonderland #pokemon #twst silver #sebek zigvolt #drifloon #crossover #fanart #drifblim

[canidaezy]

how do transmascs not want to kill themselves all the time honestly

#i experience transphobia and hardship in my daily life #and then i go home and go on my computer and learn that i dont experience any of that actually #im just pretending. and i shouldnt talk about it because im just a fake trans #who wishes his experiences could even measure up to a crumb of what real trans people (women) have to go through #ok cool. #testosterone is a controlled substance did you know that. my state is actively making it harder for people my age to access hrt #but i guess since im transmasc i dont actually have to worry about any of that! im fine! #i didnt have a 3 month time limit before it would be illegal for me to access hrt! im transmasc im too privileged to worry about that! #transphobia #transandrophobia

[nelkcats]

Dead Language Expert

Danny never thought that he could "major" in languages, and get a job as a translator. But apparently knowing all the dead languages ​​by default and being able to time travel with the help of your ghost tutor was pretty useful outside of Amity.

It happened purely by chance, he was walking through a museum and started laughing because of a mistake in one of the sentences that completely changed the meaning of the text. The museum manager, of course, did not believe him, since many people had said that the piece was "impossible to translate". But he study it anyway.

Days later they were looking for him to translate all the things from that time. And he just carried on with it, in many more civilizations. In some cases he even asked for a few trips to the past to Clockwork to verify.

It got to a point where the wizards, heroes and villains over the world knew him as "the translator of dead languages" and some of them even tried to kidnap him to perform a summoning ritual. Danny rolled his eyes and easily freed himself, but the League assigned him an "escort" anyway.

Exasperated, the halfa escaped from his escorts and continued his work as normal. Superman almost fell out of his chair at the Watchtower meeting when he was informed that the boy had translated the language of Krypton and other missing planets. Besides having managed to lose both the Flash and Green Latern, what the fuck?

#dpxdc #Danny know all dead languages by default #is part of being a ghost #or part of being him #he's not sure #The museum manager asked him to translate and he accepted #he didn't expect the payment but it was good #so he ended working in translating #it was easy and he could time travel if he had any doubt #dp x dc #dc x dp #Justice League is worried about his knowledge #but he didn't do anything wrong #Danny is considering teaching at a university for fun #People think Danny is human and he didn't correct them #He also asked Clockwork for help so no one would notice his status as a halfa #Danny doesn't like being kidnapped but at this point in his life it's nothing more than a nuisance #while he could fight the summoning he really doesn't want to

[gazkamurocho]

Dreaming of Hawaii

#someone save my baby #I just want them to be happy and retired together ;; #Whenever I'm playing IW and see Ichiban's group having fun in Hawaii #I can't stop thinking of Majima (and Saejima and Daigo) having a miserable life in a fish shack lol #I worry about him!! #yakuza #like a dragon #ryu ga gotoku #rgg #龍が如く #真島吾朗 #桐生一馬 #真桐 #桐真 #goro majima #kazuma kiryu #kiryu kazuma #majima goro #kazumaji #fanart #my art #gazkerber #gazkamurocho #illustration #games #videogames #like a dragon infinite wealth

[applestruda]

Still in love with his new origin

#dont come at me if i messed up the skeleton #horses are hard enough already without having to worry about all the bones #joel smallishbeans #smallishbeans #smallishbeans fanart #new life smp #nlsmp #my art

[bluerosefox]

Peek-A-Boo Champ!

So... when Jazz and her newborn baby were taken by a cult she wasn't... too worried. Okay yes of course she was worried about her baby in the hands of the people who knocked her out cold when they broke into her home and seem to want to use HER baby as a vessel for some evil entity to bring the apocalypse BUT she knows her husband's patrol routes like the back of her hand, knows when Jason likes to drop by to check on them (with maybe another bat or bird with him, he begrudgingly allowed cause they wanna see the littlest batbaby) and knows he and the rest of the batfam had been alerted and are on their way, she knows this. And if they don't come soon she has ways to get out of these bindings and saving her baby (no anti ghost things at all, so she's good with going liminal on them if need be)

HOWEVER Jazz stops when she realizes the summoning circle they're planning on using... and knows damn well who they're going to bring to this plane of the realms...

It's been a good long while since she saw her brother. And this will give her a chance to actually introduce him to his nephew/niece instead of just sending him pictures.

......

......

Jason really wasn't expecting, as he showed up to the warehouse the cult (THEY TOOK HIS WIFE AND KID. NO B, HE WILL NOT CALM THE FUCK DOWN, HES TAKING THEM ALL OUT FOR THIS! THEY'RE GONNA USE HIS KID TO BE A VESSEL FOR A GHOST KING) was using guns blazing, to find the cult members all frozen in solid chunks of ice that would make even Mr. Freeze envious of meanwhile his wife cheerfully chatting with a glowing, floating, blueish skin with star like freckles being with a glowing crown and space cloak... who at the moment is making silly faces at his kid and playing peek-a-boo (by actually disappearing and reappearing)

#danny phantom #danny fenton #dp x dc #batman #blue rambles #crossover #writing ideas #random idea #danny phantom dc #jason todd #jazz fenton #anger management pairing #Jazz and Jason know about each other life's #no worries #Jazz knows Jason's past and he knows about hers #heck he even knows her brother is a halfa #she.. just forgot to mention he was the Ghost King though #that's why he panicked when Babs found out why Jazz and his kid were taken #Danny's sadly been very busy repairing the Infinite Realms for the last couple of years #it was legit on the verge of crumbling/shattering when he finally took the throne #so he very rarely gets to visit Jazz due to how fragile the Realm was #and he hadn't had time to see his nephew/niece just yet but Jazz has talked to him over the phone and sent pictures #he does happily tell Jazz hes been making plans to visit within the year though #the Realms are finally stable enough that he can leave for a bit #he just needs to double check it stability for the next few weeks #Jason has heard stories of Danny #knows he was the hero Phantom but is basically retired now #he has seen Danny a few times and as Phantom but never seen him in Ghost King mode or form #He knows Jazz has missed him but whenever he suggest Danny is always welcomed to visit she always says his work can't be ignored for now #He just didn't know that 'work' was being the FREAKING GHOST KING

[mari-lair]

the response to the ant gon au was insane, here is some more on it

#I headcanon Gon associate Killua with joy so he will only start to remember him/his previous life when killua laughs genuinely with him #gon keep his sweet heart as an ant but he wouldn't be nearly as worried about a 'stranger' as he is with killua #hxh #hunter x hunter #gon freecss #killua zoldyck #killugon #ant gon au #man i gotta do more comics i am a little rusty uyguytft #mari draws #ant gon comic