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[averyroundsquare]

I think it’s getting obvious.

It wasn’t supposed to.

I didn’t want this.

This is stupid.

I don’t know why I ever thought this would be a thing or even could be a thing.

Back in my shell I go.

#self sabotage #rejection #bdp #blogger #blog #blogging #journal #life #black girls who blog #dear blog #dear diary #dear journal #love #love thoughts #love poetry #poems and poetry #poetic #poetry #random feelings #random thoughts #embarrassed #embarrassing #ashamed #panic

[averyroundsquare]

You ever look in the mirror and reality hits like “oh who am I fooling?”

#insecure #insecurities #mirror #reflections #ugly #ugly af #high #edibles

[averyroundsquare]

So I figured you know.

You’ve known all along.

Maybe there’s some beauty in the betrayal

I asked my so called friend not to say anything.

She told her friend who told you.

Well, it’s out there now.

So what do we do?

#blog #blogger #blogging #black girls who blog #dear blog #dear diary #dear journal #love #love poem #love poetry #personal thoughts #crush

[averyroundsquare]

And if I add together all the pieces of me bastards like you took it’s not surprise that sometimes I feel there’s hardly any of who I used to be left.

#black girls who blog #black blogging #black blogger #blogger #heartbreak #heart ache #sad #sad thoughts #high functioning depression

[averyroundsquare]

If I wasn’t sure before

I’m sure now.

I don’t mind waiting for you.

#blog #blogger #blogging #journal #life #black girls who blog #dear blog #dear diary #dear journal #love #crush #crushes #feelings #my heart

[averyroundsquare]

You can be yourself with me

Not the “you” you pretend to be

Maybe then I can do the same.

#blog #blogger #blogging #journal #life #black girls who blog #dear blog #dear diary #dear journal #love #confused #poems on tumblr #poems and poetry #black love #unrequited love

[averyroundsquare]

[averyroundsquare]

I’m having a hard time understanding something.

It’s all good when people say and do hurtful things to me, but when I clap back and what I say and do hurts them more I’m the bad guy. How does that work?

I’ve even had people say “I know I started it but what you said was hurtful”. Am I missing something or was I supposed to just accept their attempt of hurting me because they thought I was soft?

I always believed if somebody starts a fight and gets their ass handed to them that’s on them.

I admittedly will hit below the belt, not because I’m a bully but I gotta put you in your place because you’ve gone way too far and it’s either that or I stab you. Either way I refuse to let your action go unchecked because then you’d be bullying me and I’m not having that.

Am I the asshole? Have I got this thing all wrong?

Don’t tell me to be the bigger person because I have always literally been the bigger people and that’s why they try me. I’m a sitting duck to bullies because they assume being fat comes with being defenceless. No baby, I will read myself then read you but when I’m done I’m wrong though.

There’s gotta be something I’m missing.

#blog #blogger #blogging #journal #life #black girls who blog #dear blog #dear diary #dear journal #fatphobic #fat people #fat girl #bullying #bpd thoughts #bullies #self defense #am i the asshole #am i wrong #clap back #below the belt

[averyroundsquare]

My Dad taught me a lot of things about people and life but I still wasn’t prepared for how horrible this world and it’s inhabitants can be, even the ones you share DNA with. The mistake he made was keeping me wrapped up in cotton wool for too long.

#blog #blogger #blogging #journal #life #black girls who blog #dear blog #dear diary #dear journal #father #dad #rip dad #overprotective #overprotected #people #society

[averyroundsquare]

I always have time to listen to people and their life stories. People never fail to amaze me. Maybe I should be a counsellor or therapist.

#blog #blogger #blogging #journal #life #black girls who blog #dear blog #dear diary #people #society #trauma #therapist #counselling

[averyroundsquare]

All that time wasted because I had to deal with trauma that other people with their messed up morals put on me for no reason.

#potential #heal from trauma #trauma #ptsd recovery #moving on

[averyroundsquare]

The edible started to kick in just when I was reading something about the tribes on North Sentinel Island having very little to no contact with outsiders and it just made me think that there is someone my age right now living somewhere like North Sentinel Island who would be completely baffled by the things we have around us, the things we use, the things we eat…they would be literally mind blown.

Like I’m currently watching American Dad. Somebody out there has absolutely no idea what a TV is much less the concept of animation. The sight of pictures being able to speak might literally blow their minds. Me writing all of this on a mobile phone would confuse somebody who has never used a telephone in their lives.

Our possessions are bullshit. If you think about it the things we use just isolate and divide us. In 2023 the vast majority of people in the western world have a tv in every room. Even if they don’t nearly every household has WiFi. Last I checked statistics said the vast majority of people are in possession of more than 2 cell phones. Nearly everybody has at least one spare phone in a drawer somewhere. We have our own individual access to everything. We don’t have to go outside for anything, not even for groceries any more. Yet on the other side of the world they have to forage for everything they need, including water to drink.

This isn’t a post to preach about being grateful for what we have because others don’t have it. To be honest, they’re the happier ones. Maybe that’s the point to this point. They don’t have a phones or tvs, but they have each other. Westerners are so busy working to pay for this stuff that we don’t spend time with our families and that’s if we’re not too preoccupied to have children.

All of this stuff is meaningless. Just capitalist ideas to tickle our egos and feelings in order to line their pockets. I hope we wake up for this bullshit.

Damn this edible is really hitting now. I suppose the banana makgeolli didn’t help either.

#blog #blogger #blogging #journal #life #black girls who blog #dear blog #dear diary #black love #north sentinel island #makgeolli #banana #banana makgeolli #random feelings #random thoughts #high thoughts #edibles #high #thc #lonely #isolation #american dad

[averyroundsquare]

“stop traumadumping to your friends tell this to your therapist” my god they paywalled human connection

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“Some writers research in order to write. I write in order to research topics that interest me.”

— Chuck Palahniuk

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I just think you’re so beautiful.

I could look at you for hours.

One day, I pray, I get to touch your smooth skin.

I already know our kisses will melt.

#blog #blogger #blogging #journal #life #black girls who blog #dear blog #dear diary #poem #poems on tumblr #poems and poetry #short poem #love poem #crush #black love #love #random feelings #random thoughts #one day I pray I get to touch your smooth skin

[averyroundsquare]

Trying to decide on what to eat and saw a chicken burger meal on Uber Eats. Sounds nice, I would prefer the burger alone as I’m not a fan of fries. Then I remember the time about 18 years ago I tried to eat myself to death.

My weapon of choice was chicken burgers. There used to be a spot that sold them cheap as hell. I bought 4 or 5. Didn’t bother to buy a drink. I came home, went to my room and sat on the floor cross legged. I started to eat the burgers without any drink to help wash them down because the whole idea was if I ate them all I would either choke or have a heart attack. In retrospect it was a dumb plan because all that happened was I got very full until I was sick. But every time it comes back I’m haunted by how low I was that I made a plan to end it all and had it of gone the way I thought it would have gone, I wouldn’t be here today. I was that desperate for the pain to stop that I preferred to have gone out choking or having a heart attack.

I don’t ever want to get back in that space again.

#blog #blogger #blogging #journal #life #high functioning depression #existential depression #depression #tw sui ideation #tw sui vent #fat #fatty #overeating #chicken #chicken burger #uber eats #low mood

[averyroundsquare]

Update: the bitch scammed me. I had to get the police involved.

So recently I was in a situation where I had no choice but to trust somebody. I had to trust them with something extremely valuable and I had no choice but to trust.

It’s been a very strange experience. At one point I almost lost my shit and damn near accused them of plotting against me, but I was wrong. Totally wrong. This person did exactly what they said they would do and more. They went over and beyond to help me because they saw people take advantage of me and said enough is enough.

She said she knows how it feels because she has been taken advantage of too, but all she wanted was for me to trust her. I did. And she didn’t let me down.

It’s been an experience for both of us. We both have trust issues. We both are afraid of getting close to anybody so we understand each other. I’m even terrified of calling her my friend out loud because I’m scared of the disappointment that may come later.

But I do believe I have a true friend in her. She even dragged the hell out of the last person who took advantage of me. All I could do is laugh.

Is this a turning point with my trust issues? I don’t want to relax and start trusting people because soon enough the sting is gonna come from somewhere.

#pistanthrophobia #trust issues #black girls who blog #dear blog #dear diary #dear journal #diary #scammed #intuition #intuitive #instinct #intj female #friendship #friends #fake friends #betrayal