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Mein Morgen: Der Wachtraum

Das laute, pochende Hämmern lässt mir den ohnmächtigen Schlaf entgleiten. Mein Kopf dröhnt und der eiserne Hammerschlag bringt mein Herz zum Stolpern. An diesem lauten morgen ist die Grenze zwischen wach und schlafend, sowie Realität und Traum eine Schwimmende. Neben mir raschelt es, Hose, T-Shirt, Pullover und Jacke werden aus dem Schrank gezogen und meine Aufmerksamkeit verlagert sich auf die Person und verdrängt das Hämmern für kurze Augenblicke aus meinem Verstand. Die süßen, fast dickflüssigen Worte der Zuneigung fließen über das Dröhnen und Pochen über meinen Körper und nisten sich ein in mein Herz. Angekommen an ihrem Platz ist das Hämmern nicht mehr zu stoppen. Ein antworten oder eine Verabschiedung wird erfolglos erwartet. Ich gebe mich dem Hämmern hin, Versuche darin zu schweben, doch jeder Schlag lässt mich fallen. Ich stürze in die Tiefen meines Geistes. Blitzende Bilder tauchen vor meinem geschlossenen Augen auf und wieder ab. Bücher, Charaktere, Familie, mein vierzehn jähriges Ich. Ich denke darüber nach, Versuche das Bild aufrechtzuerhalten, zu spät. Es entgleitet. Mit jedem Hammerschlag kommt und geht ein Bild. Nicht alle schrecklich, aber keins schön. Alle irgendwie verwoben, wie es scheint ohne Sinn oder Zusammenhang. Die Suche nach Konsequenzen. Nach Stunden die so vergehen, vielleicht sind es auch nur Minuten oder Sekunden ist es nicht mehr auszuhalten. Das erste Mal an diesem Morgen, oder ist es das erste Mal überhaupt? Öffne ich meine Augen. Meine Kopf schmerzt, mein Hals brennt meine Nase und Mund sind trocken. Das Hämmern. Mechanisch mache ich mich daran meine Kleider anzuziehen, mich frisch zu machen und Versuche das Pochen und die Schläge mit relevanten Themen zu verdrängen. So viel leid und Qual. Der Mensch ist ein Monster, ich bin ein Mensch, ich bin ein Monster. Mein Verstand verzweifelt, Tierquälerei, Pädophilie, Klimakatastrophen, mein 14 jähriges ich. Wo sind die Konsequenzen für die Verantwortlichen? Das Hämmern wird schlimmer. Der Kaffe ist wässrig und billig, aber das Pochen und die Trockenheit müssen weg. Ich muss mich nicht beeilen ich habe Zeit und warte auf den Aufzug. Der Aufzug kommt nicht. Ich drücke auf den Knopf. Die Minuten verstreichen, vielleicht sind es auch Sekunden. Ich drücke, drücke, drücke. Die Bauarbeiten machen mich verrückt. Drücken, Hämmern, drücken, Hämmern, drücken, Hämmern. Ich nehme die Treppe. Es scheint ruhiger zu sein. Das Hämmern lässt nach. Aber in meinem Kopf bleibt es. Ich trete heraus in den Herbstmorgen. Lange Beine, Helm, blaue Jacke, Stöcke in den Händen und Rollen an den Füßen. Zwei Augen. Meine Mimik versagt und das lächelnde "hallo", verzieht sich in eine Fratze. Ich denke nicht darüber nach und verschwinde auf meinem Weg. Das Hämmern im Unterbewusstsein, immer bei mir. Ich bin ein Monster, bei jedem Schritt. Ich bin ein Monster vier Schritte, ich bin ein Monster.

Du bist das Monster

#love #writers #depri #existential despair #depressing shit #short fiction #writing #emotions #overwhelmed #long reads #sad thoughts #i'm sad #i love him #i hate everything #poets on tumblr #poesia #poetry #artists on tumblr #depression #failure #feelings #just why #fuck my life #dream

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You say you don't know me

You ask questions I don't feel comfortable answering

Questions I don't even know answers to

You don't know me

But you're not the only one

I don't know myself

Who I am, who I wanna be

You say I shut myself out of people

You ask why I don't talk about myself

Why I'm a closed door

I know you're trying to open some windows

I keep seal them close though I'm sorry

Sometimes you get a little glimpse

Which leaves me wondering if you like what you see if I like it

You say I don't trust people

You ask if I trust you

I'm honest I do trust you to some degree

I don't trust people

I don't trust myself

I have a question for you

How to trust people when not trusting oneself

You say you enjoy my company

I say I enjoy you

My eyes shine brighter when I'm with you

My heart yearns to open up

I want you to know me

I want you to know my innermost self my heart my mind my body and my soul

I want to trust you, for I know I'm falling for you

#i love him #i love you #love #friends #friends with secrets #friendswithbennys #writers #sadgirl #sad poetry #sad poem #love poem #poem #poesia #poetry

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We talked like lovers and laughed like best friends.

#quotes #love #friends #beautiful quote #writers #relationship #trust #art #feelings #happiness #connection

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The wind brushing over my reddened cheeks

Cheeks shining with pleasure an joy

The wind so strong tearing up my eyes

Eyes dulled by shame and guilt

He was strong and beautiful

His mind so mature so settled with life

He was weak and giving in

His actions so immoral and filled with lust

The moon so full and illuminating

Showing my with pleasure filled memories in my grin

The moon producing deep dark shadows

Hiding my tears so full of deep insecurity

I am beautiful and honest

I am betraying and enjoying

I am torn between him and you

I am betraying you and enjoying him

My cage has a little hole

It's so inviting so inevitable

I can't be using that I need the keys

I need the keys and set me free

So I forged one for me

And for you not for him

I need to escape I need to leave

So we both are free

Free of eachother

I am sorry

#embarrasment #emotions #relationship #sadgirl #sad thoughts #depressing shit #sad poem #depressing quotes #existential despair #disappointment #depression #writers #fuck my life #lovers #betreyal

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The worst is when you notice that you're shutting yourself out from the only person that really loves you.

#i'm sad #sad thoughts #sadgirl #depri #depressing quotes #depressing shit #i love you #first love #i love him #badhealth #shutting

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You bring the sun wherever you go

Warming my body and heart

It even crowns your head with a golden halo

God has made you his finest art

You are my prescious Tarzan

Adventurous, playful and easy going

Yet ambitious, that makes me your biggest fan

With you around I'm not surviving but living

You're eyes shine

Sometimes with joy sometimes with tears

But conflicts are totally fine

So are emotions and our fears

Opening up is not easy for me

It needs a deep, deep connection

And so with you it was rather easy

I hadn't feared a bad reaction

You're my humerus sunny Boy

With dark soft curls I love to touch

Your sweet love brings nothing but joy

And I'll always love you so much

But we're not all cheesy and emotional

Sex is pretty important as well

It's actually more than well it's phenomenal

And I'm glad you enjoy my bjs aswell

That green leaf we do like

Makes everything even more exciting

And you and me get so dreamy light

Should I stop the biting?

In the end I'd just like you to know

I'm falling for you

Skinny, caramel skin and dark curls, wow

You're perfect for me too

I am yours, you are mine

I trust you with all my heart

Hopefully we'll never be far apart

I love you ******

#writers #love #i love you #lovers #i love him #love poem #poesia #poem #poemsworld #sunnyboy #tarzan #heart #art #emotions #connection #sex #weed #trust

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He fucked me up

We did not love each other

We had a teen romance

First love, kiss, experiences

At least for me

He cheated

We broke up

He dated this girl

We became friends

Friends who occasionally made out

He left his girlfriend

Best friends

Touchy best friend

It was a summer day in town

We talked, drank, had fun

We met friends

I made out with some guy

We went to the train

We made out more than we ever did before

I went home

He didn't text

He didn't answer

He ignored me

Ghosted me

Why?

Why?

I asked that so many times

A year later

I text you

Why?

Why?

Only threats to be blocked

Why?

I stopped asking

Somehow I hurt you

I hurt you so bad

You would never talk to me

Would never look at me

Would never listen

Would never tell me about your life

I'm sorry

Even though I don't know what for

Now it's three years later

I'm still fucked up

How can someone do this to a friend?

Best friend?

Why?

Why?

Why, why, why why why why why why why why why

Why am I crying?

#love #first love #writers #i'm sad #sadgirl #sad poem #sad poetry #sad thoughts #just why

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My best friend: ambitious, stable, put together

Muscular, blue eyes, tall and tattoed

Same interests in movies, jobs an loyal forever

Totally adored by girls and super nice and never rude

He's basically the perfect guy

But actually not for me

Sex is great but still I have to say goodbye

Friends with benefits does not work for he and me

But still we stay friends forever, hopefully

I really do hope that

I do love you even if not romantically

My bad

My dearest friend ****

A strange flame: ambitious, rich and mentally unstable

Ripped like a bodybuilder, blond and blue eyed

Totally opposites but strangely similar but no love is stable

Adored by boys and girls but also lied

Fucking co-workers and friends without guilt

So why did I fall in love with this guy?

Sex is not good but still my heart is so fullfilled

Friends with benefits does not work but I can't say bye

I don't think this will last very long

I try not to be sad and shattered

Buy why do I want to belong

This love is tainted and unflattered

My rich kid *****

A new boy: adventurous, playful, easy-going

Skinny, long haired and caramel skin

We're not that different in style and living

And both adored by people and like to have good gin

He seems so perfect and chill

But I don't know if he's the guy for me

Sex is okay I cannot say better with this quill

Friends with benefits works for now but maybe we ...

You see I long for more

But I don't know if I just numb my feelings

For the other guy I long for

Is this love? Or do I just love falling?

So what shall I do, ******?

#writers #love poem #poem #fwb problems #fwb

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I listen

I give advise

I understand

I am here for you

Always

I write to you

I answer you

I meet you

I talk to you

Whenever you need someone

You talk

You wail

You rage

I am here for you

Always

You ignore me

You never ask to meet me

You fuck me

You betray me

Whenever you got the chance

I know I exaggerate

I know we're not in a relationship

I know we fuck and nothing more

But I always was there for you but you never appreciated it.

So what are you doing now?

Because I have no interest in being betrayed and used by you anymore

So go fuck yourself

Cry, whine and wail alone

I won't be there anymore

I know your life is not easy

I know about your darkest times and thoughts

But you don't know about mine, they're there

But you've never listened.

Goodbye

#heartbreak #heart been broke so many times #tw depressing stuff #depression #depri #depressing shit #depressing quotes #sad poetry #i'm sad #sadgirl #sad thoughts #sad poem #sadnees #fuckmyself #fuck my life #fuck off #i hate everything #betreyal #boy #writers #writblr #fwb problems #hindi fairy #poetry

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I love you

I know it's my fault

I should have asked

I should have made it clear

And I know it was right

That you left

I know it was our desicion

Too end things

It's only fair

It hurts

It hurts so bad

But I know it would be worse if you stayed

Knowing you would never feel the same

Hoping but knowing

It would not be fair to me

And after some months or weeks or days

I would realize it's only getting worse and worse

And in the end I would be shattered

I am shattered now

But it would be devastating when we waited longer

So this was right

At least I try to tell it to myself

So I don't brake apart in a lake of tears and blood

I love you

And you didn't say it back

I ruined everything

That's what I do

I fail at everything

Failure

#love #i love you #love poem #heartbreak #dreadnought despair #tw depressing stuff #depressing quotes #sad poetry #sadgirl #sad thoughts #sad poem #i'm sad #fml #fml fml fml #literally fml #seriously fml #i hate everything #heart been broke so many times #hate my body #hate my mind

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Laying here

as the wind blows through my hair, my ears

as the fresh green grass tickles my legs, my back

as the soft white clouds wander the sky

which is light azure blue as if it's straight out of a children's picture book.

Laying here

over me the wide treetop of a huge, beautiful oak

spreading its branches with rich green leaves

spending some shadow

And next to me you

Laying here

Next to you

as if we know each other

as if that wide gap didn't exist between us

that huge impenetrable black gap

Laying here

trying to reach over that gap

which was built by ourselves

out of lies and jealousy and fear

mostly trust issues

Laying here

and

finally

giving

up

Laying here alone now.

#writers #poem #poets on tumblr #poesia #poetry #love poem #sad poetry #tw depressing stuff #depressing quotes

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Failure

Have you ever experienced utter failure?

The feeling of disappointment

Disappointing your family

Disappointing you friends

Disappointing your teachers

Yourself, your expectations, your values

The feeling of such embarrassment

That you can't lock eyes with others

That you can't look in the mirror

You can't lock eyes with your reflection

The lies you tell

The lies you spin

The lies hiding your failure your embarrassment

The disappointment you are

Such an utter failure

That you feel worthless

The feeling of worthlessness

Of hopelessness

A failure that you have no hope

The feeling of being stuck

The feeling of no point in carrying on

Why should such a failure carry on without the perspective of success, of happiness

When there was such grave disappointment

There is nothing left

Only sadness, unhappiness and desperation

So desperate that there are no goals left

No goals

Just failure

Such utter failure

That you are

Failure that leaves you alone

Alone with yourself

Your disappointment, your embarrassment, your worthlessness

Hopeless, desperate, unhappy, sad

And alone

There is just you and failure

You and failure have become synonyms

You failure

No just failure forever

Failure

#failure #sad poetry #poetry #embarrasment #disappointment #sadgirl #sad thoughts #hopeless #tw depressing stuff #existential despair #dreadnought despair #fml fml fml #feelings #writers

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Laying here thinking about you

Thinking about all we had

Thinking about all we could have had

All I want is you back

But you forgot that I exist

How much would I give for only knowing that you think about me?

I would give my everything

#heartbreak #love poem #love #numb

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There is a boy.

He is like the sun, bright and full of joy.

I am like the moon trying to reflect his light the brightness so much that it warms and lights us both.

The blue eyes like rivers and the sea. Sometimes full of storms and sometimes so still and quiet and deep.

Balancing my dark eyes full of shadows and the night. So that little stars can shine through them. Balancing the storms and winds an bringing peace.

Blonde soft curls dripping down like honey so soft and angelic so soft I lose my fingers in them so soft I lose myself in them.

Feeling my dark mane entangled with his soft crescent curls making them look golden together.

His strong earthly arms so firm they can hold world's but so gentle they make me shiver with pleasure as they touch my pale cold skin. Saving me of every danger.

As he whispers that I am the other half of a whole as he shines so bright I start to shine with him.

He gives me colours

He gives me a Melodie

He gives me life

We shine together as green as the trees and the meadows we wander as blue as the sky we admire as red as our blood that flows through our veins like a stream forever bound together as yellow as the beautiful flowers we hold in our fingers so entangled that I don't think I can ever let go as purple as the sunset and pink as the sunrise

We are dawn we are day we are twilight and we are night.

We are whole

We are day we are night

I realize

He is day

I am night

I am night

I am

Am I?

What am I?

What am I now?

He vanishes

Where is my light?

My colours? Melodies? Myself?

I am cold I am pale I am shadow

So deep that no light can ever brighten up my darkness ever again

Vanishing

V a n i s h i n g

Am I?

Where are the trees and the meadows only grey ashes and darkness remains

Where is the blue of the sky as I can only see black black night black around me

Where are the yellow flowers all my hands are holding is emptyness dark black nothings

Where is the red that kept us alive

Alive

Am I alive?

Am I?

No sunset no sunrise no shades of colours only darkness only black only

Black

Only me

Me

I

Am I?

I am not

#writers #love poem #heartbreak #depressing quotes #beauty #fuckmyself #sad poetry #sadgirl

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Go rattle the stars!

#sarah j. maas #books #rowan x celaena #author #quotes

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I always wonder about raindrops. I wonder about how they're always falling down, tripping over their own feet, breaking their legs and forgetting their parachutes as they tumble right out of the sky toward an uncertain end. It's like someone is emptying their pockets over the earth and doesn't seem to care where the contents fall, doesn't seem to care that the raindrops burst when they hit the ground, that they shatter when they fall to the floor, that people curse the days the drops dare to tap on their doors. I am a raindrop.

Tahereh Mafi - Shatter me

#books #tahereh mafi #shatter me #warner #author #fantasy