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hersunsetbook · 2 years

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A note to my sister.

I have watched you become like me, and I wish I could stop you. Stop looking up to me, please, I beg of you. Do you not see how flawed I am? Do you not see how dull my eyes are when I am quiet.

I look at you and I see the world. Your pain, your struggles, your hate is all visible to me no matter how much you think I do not see.

Your hands tug at the clothes as if to cover a body you find imperfect, and I realize how much like me you are. You grew up watching me just as I have you. You have seen the skin crack and the hair fall out; You have watched the edges show more and the eyes show less.

To my sister, I want to say that I see you. I see you and I love you and I know. I cannot help you up, but I can hold your hand and tell you how the world shows in your smile and the way you laugh. It also shows in the tears you cry and the pain you hide.

A note to my sister.

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hersunsetbook · 2 years

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All I want are dark academia breakfast photos that are both messy and atheistically pleasing.

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hersunsetbook · 2 years

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Recovery: Day of Eating Comparison

2017 *senior in HS, midst of ED

Pre-Breakfast (6:45am): 60 oz water + cup of coffee, black

Breakfast (8:30am): 1 cup oatmeal + 1 banana + blackstrap molasses for iron

Lunch (11am): 7 large carrots + 1 apple with sunflower butter

Dinner (6:30pm): steamed brocolli, 2 baked sweet potatoes, tomato paste

Activities: morning run, afternoon run workout, weights

2021 *full time undergrad student + full time @ climbing gym / day with work + school / recovery from ED

4:30 am morning run + drink water before leaving for work

Pre-work snack: 1/4 cup oat bran + nut butter / work @ 6am to 8:30am (LOTS OF COFFEE)

Climb time before brunch (10am): 1/4 cup oat bran + 2 dates + nut butter + banana

Studying + classes until 3 pm, usually no time for snacks

Second shift @ 3:30-5:30pm, sometimes double shift until 8pm (in this case I will go until 5:30pm for reference) // more climbing or weights after work

Dinner (6:30pm): 2 slices salt free toast, large mashed avocado, 1 can of beans, 2 poached duck eggs

Dessert (7:30pm): vegan sweet potato based chocolate pudding

Still hungry? Kombucha or mashed banana with stevia sweetened chocolate chips and nut butter

I still workout, but my runs are normally between 20-40 minutes instead of 2 hours of cardio per day.

Recovery looks different from everyone. I spent my first couple years of recovery not actually recovering, I just thought I was. I cut out food groups still, and I demonized fitness so that it wasn’t fun for me.

Now, I climb and hike and run with friends. I take trips to the mountains and the beach to play in the snow and the ocean. My favorite food is eggs on toast. My body might be different, but life is so much better.

#hersunsetbook #ed recovery #anamia #orthorexia #health and fitness #plant based ed #eating disorder recovery

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hersunsetbook · 2 years

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Awareness of eating disorders is crucial for a positive space during holiday events.

The choices of food made should not be commented on.

Food refusal should be accepted without comment.

Weight and appearance are not to be a subject of discussion.

If I want to bring my own food to a family dinner and eat only that because it is safe for me and makes the holiday less stressful, others need to accept that. Holidays are not just about the food we consume, so anyone who feels the need to bring it up can kindly fuck off. I am not being ungrateful for refusing to eat the food cooked. It is a mental illness I have, so get over yourselves and feeling the need to be offended. I am not insulting you.

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hersunsetbook · 2 years

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A Note On Numbers:

113 may be just a number, but this number was the last one I saw before my dreams were crushed.

It started with 150, which is a number I associated with low worth. The number lowered every week until 130. Oh, that is a good number. Except by the time I reached it, the whole thing was a game for me. How low can I get?

129…128…127…126…

I should stop. Ah, but 4 is such a small number. So insignificant. It’s nothing! So I kept going…

Then I was out of the 120s and I went lower and lower.

Stop, I need to stop. But I saw the number 150 when I saw myself. Everybody else saw another number, and then one night I couldn’t sleep.

The bed was the same, but my whole body ached. It was not an ache I had felt before. This was in my bones, and it was everywhere.

A week later and my number dropped to 114. What a pretty number. I love the number 4, and next to two 1’s? Just my luck! But then my skin began to crack and bleed, and my knees and wrists began to feel as though the bones were grinding together.

When I hit 113, I could not walk. I could not sleep, either. Every night I would wrap myself in blankets and fold pillows around my body, and I would stare at the shadows on my wall wondering about the numbers.

That month I left college. The number changed all the time. Up, down, up. Then it was gone. I started to hate the numbers, and I started to hate myself. I didn’t want to hate myself.

1 year passed.

2 years…3…

My body is different now then all those years ago. I can do less now with it, but also so much more.

I cannot fit into small things nor can I run like I did, but I can still run. I can climb and swim and dance.

My heart is different, too. Back then they told me it would stop. They told me I only had a little time left to feel the pulse of it, but they forgot what it all did to my soul, too. Today I am kinder. I am more tolerant, empathetic, and caring than before.

The numbers you want to be and not be are irrelevant to the person you are.

This is a note on those numbers.

Measure your worth without the weight of numbers hanging over you.

#hersunsetbook #tw weight #eating disorders

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hersunsetbook · 2 years

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A Note To Moms With Eating Disorders:

You are truly and perfectly heaven in the eyes of your children.

My favorite things about my mom were—and continue to be—her warm hugs, and how soft and safe she feels.

We would sit every night in the light of the tv, sharing snacks or dessert until it was time for bed. I never knew she struggled with an eating disorder, but if I had, I would have stayed longer for meals until she had finished or have brought her my favorite recipes to cook with me.

You are more than a mother, too. You are your own person and need to care for yourself just as you care for your children. Sometimes that means treating yourself as you would one. Cut your sandwiches into flowers, toss chocolate chips into your mouth, rearrange your cereal into a smiley face.

Oh the joy of food and how it brings people together; how it brings families together.

To the mothers out there with eating disorders, look to your children for recovery, and see in them the innocence of an untouched mind that sees food as nothing more than a reminder of their mother and all the happiness it brings them.

I remember adults telling me not to play with my food, but reject this! Play with your food! Play and eat and laugh. This does not mean disrespect to the food or the people who grow it, because you are going to eat it. Right?

I love you mom.

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hersunsetbook · 2 years

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“Self-education is, I firmly believe, the only kind of education there is.”

—

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hersunsetbook · 2 years

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“Take a shower, wash off the day. Drink a glass of water. Make the room dark. Lie down and close your eyes. Notice the silence. Notice your heart. Still beating. Still fighting. You made it, after all. You made it, another day. And you can make it one more. You’re doing just fine.”

— Charlotte Eriksson

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hersunsetbook · 2 years

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https://www.instagram.com/p/CP9jHP6FP8g

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hersunsetbook · 2 years

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A(nother) Note To ProAna Accounts:

I didn’t realize venting accounts for eating disorders were now not pro-Ana. I guess I am curious as to how things like this are not proana:

Oh, but not proana…only for themself, right?

WAIT I CAN FIX IT! I gotchu homie:

This is so much better.

Listen, I get that you guys want to rant and a safe place to release the possible self hate and disappointment you feel about yourself, but reblogging stuff like the first image or sharing recipes of dinners that are like 0 calories (?!!) is some proana, pro-ed shit. And pro- for yourself? Come on, I know the community and the group chats and all that exists. You seek each-other out. It went from a 2006 Dear Diary, “I hate how I look” in a paper journal to posting “You all look ugly eating” that’s been reblogged 640 times.

The only reason I blurred this person’s name out, is quite frankly they don’t seem like the kind of account of a pervert that tells people on the internet over PM they should stop eating. This account, like many, holds the value of a classic paper diary I kept under my bed growing up. It’s sad to see others suffering like this, and I just wish they had a way to feel like they are being heard without putting others at harm.

Believe it or not, the things you see on your social media all the time when it comes to eating disorder posts and negativity won’t make your world happier or brighter. I challenge you to unfollow ED tags and negative blogs, and switch it to things like art platforms, cat aesthetics, tattoos of turtles, sunsets around the world, literally anything outside of the ED community.

What happens is you’re stuck in this place where you are constantly living your ED, especially through others, and it takes over your mind. If you begin to filter in these positive and/or alternative images from other communities (i.e. pancake art), then you can begin to see the world differently, thus your mindset might begin to change, too. The importance of these other communities is crucial in that switch, and maybe you think you don’t want that—you don’t want to lose this “identity” or community—but what do you honestly have to lose from it?

I think you could grow in so many ways. Your health will improve both mentally and physically. The relationships you have in your real life will possibly strengthen. The reasonable goals you have set outside of your ED are now ready for you to accomplish.

Just try. One new tag, one new community.

As for the proana…sorry, “not” proana accounts out there, I unkindly ask you to think more about the community you are a part of and the lives you are seriously and negatively impacting with your stupid mf reblogs and posts. If you’re truly not proana, make your blog private. I mean, clearly it’s not private so you feel validated and/or not alone. Still, consider an actual journal to write in and therapist to talk to.

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hersunsetbook · 2 years

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A note to the perfect me:

I don’t think I remember ever being disappointed in myself as a kid until I realized that other people were disappointed in me. Now that I’m older, I really don’t understand why they were disappointed at all.

Of course kids are going to fail at things that their parents wish they would excel in. Even as an adult, I am constantly failing myself. I have learned not to talk myself down into believing I am a disappointment, though.

Yes, I do want to reach goals and accomplish my dreams and believe that I am, in fact, perfect; what is it that everyone always says? Nobody is perfect?

Of course I understand the sentence and what it attempts to say, but at the same time I am thinking that everybody is perfect, just not in the way society says we should be.

I am perfect because I am me, and I am perfect because I fail and falter at the things I do.

Will I get mad at myself and say things I shouldn’t? Absolutely. Will I wish that things could be different? I mean, sometimes I do and I will continue to wish for certain things, but that does not determine my excellence and my perfection.

To lay out what really angers me and causes that disappointment stemmed from the beliefs others have portrayed on me since childhood:

My body

Not accomplishing “enough”

How I think others perceive me

These are just a few things that can ruin my day and throw me into a depressive mindset. They destroy my ability to move forward in life and chase after goals and dreams; they make me feel worthless and hopeless. I want people to like me, and to think I have someone who hates me makes all these negative thoughts take over. It doesn’t matter how much I believe I am good or that I like myself even a little, because suddenly I am disappointed and sad.

I have to trust in myself that my body is perfect, my mind is perfect, and who I am is perfect in order to recover. There is no sense in being sad that someone else might not like you or someone else things some way about you, because only you are living your life, just as they are living theirs.

And so to my perfect self I want to say:

Whatever beauty you see in the world belongs to you and is a part of you, because like how the world is perfect, so are you.

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hersunsetbook · 2 years

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50 Active Positivity Bloggers Who Create Original Content

In order to celebrate reaching 50k, here’s a list of 50 recovery blogs I really enjoy following. As of November 2021, they are all active - and they all frequently create original content. Enjoy!

https://thelatestkate.tumblr.com/ - @thelatestkate

https://traumasurvivors.tumblr.com/ - @traumasurvivors

https://wholeheartedsuggestions.tumblr.com/ @wholeheartedsuggestions

https://chibird.com/ - @chibird

https://slfcare.tumblr.com/ - @slfcare

https://sailermoon.tumblr.com/ - @sailermoon

https://akindplace.tumblr.com/ - @akindplace

https://chuckdrawsthings.tumblr.com/ - @chuckdrawsthings

https://iamstrongallonmyown.tumblr.com/ - @iamstrongallonmyown

https://ladybluebottle.tumblr.com/ - @ladybluebottle

https://haleyincarnate.tumblr.com/ - @haleyincarnate

https://poeticsuggestions.tumblr.com/ - @poeticsuggestions

https://positiveautistic.tumblr.com/ - @positiveautistic

https://survivor-positivity.tumblr.com/ - @survivor-positivity

@goodthingsarewaiting

@suggestionsofkindness

https://slightlyaggressiveaffirmations.tumblr.com/ - @slightlyaggressiveaffirmations

https://beamingsuggestion.tumblr.com/ - @beamingsuggestion

https://sheisrecovering.tumblr.com/ - @sheisrecovering

https://inkflowergarden.tumblr.com/ - @inkflowergarden

https://desultory-suggestions.tumblr.com/ - @desultory-suggestions

https://sketchesinstillness.tumblr.com/ - @sketchesinstillness

https://onlinecounsellingcollege.tumblr.com/ - @onlinecounsellingcollege

https://selflovewarrior.co.vu/ - @selflovewarrior

https://inkipri.tumblr.com/ - @inkipri

https://thepowerwithin.tumblr.com/ - @thepowerwithin

https://dimpledthings.tumblr.com/ - @dimpledthings

https://fablefire.tumblr.com/ - @fablefire

https://bubblysuggestion.tumblr.com/ - @bubblysuggestion

https://joli–coeur.tumblr.com/ - @joli–coeur

https://artbylittlebug.tumblr.com/ - @artbylittlebug

https://hillergoodspeed.tumblr.com/ - @hillergoodspeed

https://papyrussuggestions.tumblr.com/ - @papyrussuggestions

https://selves-acceptance.tumblr.com/ - @selves-acceptance

https://resiliencewithin.tumblr.com/ - @resiliencewithin

https://aidashakur.tumblr.com/ @aidashakur

https://lil-reminders.tumblr.com/ - @lil-reminders

https://honeymooncupid.tumblr.com/ - @honeymooncupid

https://thedailyzen.tumblr.com/ - @thedailyzen

https://thotsfortherapy.tumblr.com/ - @thotsfortherapy

https://remindeers.tumblr.com/ - @remindeers

https://lousydrawingsforgoodpeople.tumblr.com/ - @lousydrawingsforgoodpeople

https://typelikeagirl.tumblr.com/ - @typelikeagirl

https://featheredadora.tumblr.com/ - @featheredadora

https://daily-reminders-that-ur-enough.tumblr.com/ - @daily-reminders-that-ur-enough

https://constellatedlove.tumblr.com/ - @constellatedlove

https://styrke.tumblr.com/ - @styrke

https://thoughtkick.com/ - @thoughtkick

https://cokaino.tumblr.com/ - @cokaino

https://positivelyadhd.tumblr.com/ - @positivelyadhd

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hersunsetbook · 2 years

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A Note To Those With EDs At Grocery Stores:

Do you catch yourself staring at something and realize minutes have passed? Have you walked around with something in your basket just to put it back after arguing with yourself about it?

“I don’t need it!” Do I need an avocado on my salad? No, but it makes me happy.

“I shouldn’t.” Should I be eating Laffy Taffy when I know what science says about sugar? My dentist won’t be happy, but I certainly am.

The grocery store can be the most agonizing, anxiety-inducing place to be when you have an eating disorder. I will go through hundreds of recipes and snarky comments in my head while shopping for food, and sometimes it can get so bad that I leave without anything.

Here is something I learned that helps me when shopping for food:

1. Write down a list things you either need or want, and only put those in your basket. Do not remove them, no matter how much you want to.

2. If you have an idea for a recipe while shopping, grab what you need but again you can’t take it out once it’s in.

3. Listen to loud music or a podcast to help distract yourself from thinking about the food or your body.

4. If you keep staring at something and are unsure of if to buy it or not, leave it. It is one less thing to stress yourself over if you just leave it.

I hope this helps. Add any tips you have that help you.

Sincerely,

Craving Crackers.

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hersunsetbook · 2 years

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A Note To My Dad:

I remember when you called us little piggies. My sisters and I giggled, of course. We didn’t understand. Pigs to us were cute and funny, but you meant that we ate a lot.

My sisters and I loved to sit together after school and watch PBS while sharing goldfish. We loved having Gatorade and snacks in the car on the way back from soccer practice. Decorating gingerbread cookies and eating all the buttons was enjoyable. Then we started hearing and seeing the world around us more, and that is when we lost ourselves.

The messages on what it means to be a girl or a women led my sisters and I to hate ourselves, and you—dad—were the one person we trusted enough to love us for us. Except you were the one that made us hate ourselves more.

I remember cutting out things from my diet and sucking in my stomach for hours every day, and to replace what I cut out, I consumed more of another thing. You told me, “you eat too many eggs now. You can only have two a day,” “you eat too much almond butter, stop it,” “you eat too many bananas, just have one a day.”

So I cut them out. I cut them all out. I stopped eating breakfast and lunch, and for dinner I ate whatever scraps I could find. My sisters watched you change your comments from “you eat too much” to “you’re only eating that?” I would run two hours a day and only have dinner, and I consumed a lot of vegetables, and yet you said: “how do you eat so much volume?” How do I eat…so much volume?

Dad…I was starving. How could you not see? I was depressed and hurting, and you just yelled at my sisters for still eating “too much” or made snide remarks about their eating habits, and to me you started to baby me. Your concern disgusted me. This is your fault! For making food bad, because food is not bad and eating what I wanted was not bad.

Seven years have passed and I have forgiven you, but it still makes me mad. I love you, but look at what you’ve done to my sisters and I. We still hate our bodies.

I still can’t eat most foods because you made them bad. I struggle to recover, but I try every single day.

So to the fathers out there, whether you have sons or daughters, please be careful about what you say to them. Celebrate food, because it is what makes a home a safe home.

#ed recovery #hersunsetbook #anrexya #athlete #calories #fitness #health #health & fitness #diet #diet plans #orthorexia #orthorexx #dear dad

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hersunsetbook · 2 years

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just saw a post where OP called themself a piece of shit for not being good at keeping in contact with friends & yknow i think a lot abt how it's only in the past 100 years we could maintain closeness over a distance & only in the past 30 we could form closeness over a distance & maybe we shld cut ourselves some slack for it being weird n difficult. like for 99% of human existence if someone wasn't in easy travelling distance it was logistically impossible to stay in close contact. i can message my friends on the other side of the globe at any time! if i was born even a hundred years earlier i never wouldve known they existed! holding people in your heart when you never see them in person is a very new development!

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hersunsetbook · 2 years

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A Note To ProAna Accounts:

Am I taking time out of my day to write this? Fck yeah, dude.

You think that if I see some chick actively telling other people to starve themselves that I’m going to leave because it offends me? You misunderstand the notion of when to mind your own business. Let me explain.

You mind your own business when you see an individual putting food on their plate. You mind your own business when an individual is picking their nose. You mind your own business when a mom is breastfeeding her child in public.

You do not mind your own business when someone is endangering a child. You do not mind your own business when someone is telling another person to go die. You do not mind your own business when someone is abusing another person.

Create and recreate accounts, I know you do it. It doesn’t matter how many times you get reported and blocked or banned.

@mrgreybones Are you some dude on tumblr trying to get women to starve themselves for your own pleasure? Or are you someone who is suffering with an eating disorder and this is just some really unhealthy, fcked up way to motivate yourself by telling others with a mental illness to not eat? Or that they don’t deserve to eat. It’s actually really sad to think that you are out there hurting so much that you want others to feel the same kind of pain.

How about instead of spreading the disease, we cure it with positivity and light. Maybe some therapy? Friendship? Seriously, I want to know what it will take to reverse the damage accounts like this do to people.

To those of you trapped in this perpetual cycle of starving, binging, hating yourself, losing yourself, ALL OF IT… have hope. Recovery is possible and you are worthy of nourishment and love and a safe place.

It took me years of this cycle, and I am still stuck, but I promise you recovery is possible and not out of your reach.

I write these notes—angry notes—because accounts like this are one of many possible reasons why some don’t make it out. There is never anything good that comes from these accounts.

You want to try recovery? Block ED tags. Block health and fitness tags. You’re going to be in recovery, and that doesn’t mean switching your focus to the fitness industry. Change the media you expose yourself to by focusing on other hobbies or goals.

Healthy goals: read one book a week, write one chapter for your novel every week, learn a song in another language, study Greek mythology, teach yourself to skateboard, learn how to do different braids in your hair, call someone you love every week, save money to go to another country.

At the end of the day, you’re not a fckn number. Make the world a better place and all that.

Drive your friend to the beach because she’s been depressed lately. Bring a home cooked meal to your coworker who called out sick. Run errands for your mom. Make their world better.

Sincerely,

Sick and Tired, but still Here.

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hersunsetbook · 2 years

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A note to people who use proana tags:

You guys know that tag “not pro just using tags”? Yeah, first off I would like to thank those of you for using them, because it sure clarifies the negative calorie recipe you posted as not promoting an eating disorder.

Or the “can I just like NOT AHA EAT AHAHAH” #relatableLOL post you dropped totally does not promote an eating disorder.

Am I being harsh? Let me ask you this, then. Why are you using that tag? You are not intentionally being proana and would never wish an ED upon someone else, but the content is doing what? [ Answer: Promoting ana ].

Leave the tag out. Just drop it. I get it, you have an eating disorder and you aren’t ready to recover or ask for help. You are trying to reach your goals, and for you that might mean posting things that are really unhealthy and depressing. Proana does not just mean people who encourage others verbally through meanspo or pm’s or “coach” others. Disagree all you like, but I see you out there posting “not pro just using tags” right next to “anorexyiiia” and “low calorie ana”.

If I see someone who is trying to recover from alcoholism discussing ways to sneak alcohol into work with an alcoholic, and I call them out for it, and they try to say “I am not promoting alcoholism.” Yea you are.

If I see someone with a gambling addiction at a horse race talking to another gambling addict and saying, “I wish I could just have all the money so I can gamble more.” That is still promoting gambling addiction, because they are announcing wishful thinking. Just like someone with an eating disorder saying, “I wish I could just not eat to be skinny.”

Listen…I see you all. I feel you, I understand you. People use tags to get their post seen, and it doesn’t matter what audience sees it. Be more mindful, though.

Sincerely,

A Crusty Baguette Like You.

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