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amarantine-amirite · 8 months

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Impostor Syndrome

The following is an interview that came from the last issue of Divergent magazine before the failure of MyntBank.

It's a well-known fact that autistic people struggle with job interviews. During interviews, an autistic person must mimic a neurotypical person all the time. Hiring managers watch for signs of dishonesty, which sometimes look like symptoms of autism.

Many argue that job interviews inherently select against autistic people in favor of neurotypicals. Some people go as far as to say that any autistic person that gets a job after completing a successful job interview was almost always hired by accident. Those who disagree with this theory argue you don't need to mimic a neurotypical that much when you already have the job. You just need to mimic part of the time. If you do a good enough job, you don't have to mimic a neurotypical at all. Coworkers will put up with your weird behavior just because you're good at your job.

Today, we're talking to Judith (not her real name), a 24 year old college graduate on the spectrum who had accidentally been hired by MyntBank on two separate occasions.

Divergent: Can you describe the interview process for MyntBank?

Judith: I got my job at MyntBank through a new grad rotation program. Two minutes before the scheduled interview time, the person who contacted me with the interview information told me her colleague will do it instead of her, but he is up to speed. Right out of the gate, he says that we have to do it one way due to an unstable internet connection. He talked nonstop for precisely one hour.

He referenced news stories that people wouldn't talk about after a few weeks that were at least 3 months old. He targeted his speech not to me, but to a large audience. I asked if it was a recording and then I signed off.

I must've done something right because I got the rotation job. They didn't even ask for my transcript.

Divergent: What was the internship like?

Judith: My rotation began with Business Intelligence for Equity Research, next I worked in ML Engineering for Business Banking, and finally, Data and Analytics for Derivatives. I learned something very important: capital markets executives view ML engineers as smart, data scientists as lazy, and business intelligence as complainers.

Now, you would think that capital markets executives have respect for data scientists because we're the ones uncovering fancy new ways for the Bank to make money. Well, you would also be wrong. They don't really understand us. We exist outside the hierarchy of analyst, associate, and managing director, but at the same time are paid at the same echelon as the people high on the food chain.

Data science is not a job that has a lot of fires. If anything, you start the fires that the ML engineers and risk managers have to put out. Everybody thinks that scientists do nothing because they don't have to hustle.

The C-Suite people brag about working 60, 70, or even 80 hours a week. They think that those who aren't working 75 hour weeks are lazy. They are diametrically opposed to working smarter instead of harder. Good luck getting them to understand that the mandate for a data scientist is to follow the evidence where it leads and think about stuff. The work of a data scientist suffers if they have to hustle.

Divergent: How did you go from your internship to a full time position with Mynt?

Judith: During my data analytics rotation, I got a term project requiring me to look for signals representing unusual market behavior. The Bank prohibited anybody from using pip install on their machines because a disgruntled employee in the back office used pip install to load libraries that they use to build a virus that crippled the KYC system. Getting rid of pip install meant that nobody could use Python for their work anymore. Given that Python is the coding lingua franca of the finance world, this decision would spell disaster for the organization.

Because the Bank got rid of pip install, I had to write my own imbalance sampling algorithm to finish the work on my project. I implemented it in such a way that it had a linear run time. I deployed the imbalance sampling algorithm for the first time right before a long weekend. It took 72 hours to train the model I was working on, which meant my computer was running all weekend. Upper management interpreted that as me burning the midnight oil over a holiday weekend.

I got invited to a lunch interview with the head of the data analytics department. They considered me for a role with the signal integration working group. Lunch included some salad and mashed potatoes with peas mixed in, supposedly to "test the emotional maturity of candidates." Even though I got very upset about the peas touching the potatoes, I still got a full time job with that group.

Divergent: Was it easier to manage your autism during your internship or during the full-time job?

Judith: A month into my new job, they came up with a new rule requiring masks on zoom calls. The rationale they gave us was that employees feel there is less discrimination between nice looking versus bad looking people. Wearing a mask puts video call participants all on the same level.

There's a problem with that. Masking on zoom calls robs employees ability to read lips. I have a disability that impairs my ability to process spoken language. We don't have captions on our zoom calls because captioning introduces its own privacy concerns as the video conferencing system we used at the time records dialogue to generate the captions.

I am far from the only person who has this issue. That working group had seven people, three of them are deaf, and the other four (myself included, by the way) had neurological disabilities where they need to see the mouth for communication.

I keep the "I'm having dental work done" in my pocket for skipping meetings . It's perfect. Nobody questions it and everybody can relate to it. I used that excuse for the first time, but I didn't get the reaction I expected. "Stop eating so much crap".

I couldn't understand what anyone was wearing because everyone was masked and there were no subtitles, so I accidentally agreed to this signal processing project where I had to decompose time series of alternative indicators for a given market (in this case, the derivatives market) into constituent signals, overlay the results against that of a synthetic best or worst case scenario, and develop a modeling strategy to predict whether the current picture would evolve into a good or bad scenario.

It was interesting, but it raised a lot of questions that require a lot of labor to get the data to answer them and you don't always know whether or not you've gone down a rabbit hole. Usually, you can surmise when you're going to go down a rabbit hole before it actually happens, but you can't do that here because you don't know what you don't know. It was also a really sensitive project. If you end up down a rabbit hole and out of sight of the main idea, it has the potential to be catastrophic.

Divergent: How do they find out they hired you by mistake not once, but twice?

Judith: I had to present my results on a surprise call. I couldn't for the life of me explain my analysis methods to the banking regulator. If you struggle to explain your analysis method to the regulator, you're cooked. Their first inclination is to look for signs of dishonesty.

Regulators don't like modeling strategies that involve lots of steps. They don't like stuff that's poorly explained. They really hated my explanation of my modeling strategy because it sounded suspiciously like market manipulation.

The bank got fined $14 billion that they had to pay by close of business the following day. They didn't pay up. It takes their billing department in Cameroon 18 months to pay for stuff and that includes fines.

After they finally got that fine paid, they decided that the whole debacle was my fault. They called me into this meeting with a bunch of executives. They had the CEO at one under the table and me at the other, and all of them glared at me. It was pretty horrifying.

They said they tried to fire me but it didn't go through. The head of human resources looked into it a little bit further and it turned out that I have been hired by accident for both the internship and the full-time role. the head of the internship program spoke up and said I accepted the offer of employment before the computer glitch that sent out the letter was rectified. The head of the data analytics department admitted to hiring me because, as he put it, "I could only remember her name because she caught food in her boobs."

Divergent: Have you been able to find a job since then?

Judith: Not really, no. I've been working with an employment counselor, applying to whatever jobs I can find, and I'm struggling to get a callback. I don't know if it's because the people at Mynt have blackballed me or if the market dried up. I hope I get something soon.

#fiction writing #writing #writers #writers on tumblr #short story #Autism in writing

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darknightwolves · 4 months

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Episode 142: Autism In Writing 1 | Creative Writing Club

In this week’s episode, I went into talking about autism, sharing some stories and experiences, and did tons of research in order to educate my listeners on what autism is and how it works and how they can correlate it to their writing. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0eId_vw9ABc https://open.spotify.com/show/0BX9Z6IfApWiXjzzNPJWK7 Though due to the length of the episode I decided to separate…

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vadlings · 4 months

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Represention of Autistic Frustration in Laios Dungeon Meshi

Like many other autistic people, I related strongly to Laios Touden while reading Dungeon Meshi. This post isn't going to spend time disputing whether he displays autistic traits or not—while I could do that, I want to focus on why specifically his portrayal struck a chord with me in a way the writing of most other autistic-coded characters has not.

Disclaimer: as the above suggests, this post is strongly informed by my own experiences as an autistic person, as well as the experiences of my neurodivergent friends with whom I have spoken about this subject. I want to clarify that in no way am I asserting my personal experience to be some Universal Autistic Experience. This post is about why Laios' character feels distinct and significant to me in regard to autistic representation, and while I'm at it, I do feel that I have interesting things to say about autistic representation in media generally. This also got a bit long, so I'm sticking it under a read more. Spoilers for up to the end of chapter 88 below.

The thing that stands out most to me in regard to Laios' characterisation is the open anger he displays when someone points out his inability to read other people. This comes up prominently in his interactions with "Shuro" (Toshiro Nakamoto):

The frustration pictured above (Laios continuing to physically tussle with Toshiro, using crude language toward him) becomes even more notable when you remember that this is Laios, who, outside of these interactions, is not easily fazed and often exists as a lighthearted contrast to the rest of the cast. Then we get to Laios' nightmare.

In Falin's words: "Nightmares love emotional wounds. Wounds you hold in your heart. Things that give you stress, or things that were traumatic for you. They aggravate memories like that and cause the dreamer to have terrible dreams." (chapter 42, page 10.) (damn. i'm properly citing for this post and everything.)

Thus, Laios' nightmare establishes an important fact: even if he is unable to recognise social blunders while he's making them, he's at least subconsciously aware that other people operate on a different wavelength to him, and that he's an outsider in many of his social circles (both past and present). His dream-father's disparaging words stress the impact this has had upon his ability to live up to the expectations set out for him, and we also get a panel of kids who smirk at him (presumably former bullies to some degree). Toshiro's appearance only hammers home how much Laios is still both humiliated and angered by his misunderstanding of their relationship.

I've thought a lot about anger as concomitant to the autistic experience. When autistic representation portrays ostracization, it's generally from an angle of the autistic character being upset at how conforming to neurotypical norms doesn't come easily to them; as a result, they express a desire to 'get better' at meeting neurotypical standards, a desire to become more 'normal' (whether the writing implies this is a good thing or not). In contrast, not once does Laios go, "I need to perform better in my social interactions, and try to care less about monsters, because that's what other people find weird." His frustration is directed outward rather than inward, and as a result, it's the people around him who are framed as nonsensical.

The Winged Lion starts delineating Laios' anger, and Laios' reaction is to think to himself, "It can sense all my thoughts, huh?" (chapter 88, page 16.) This is the scene that really resonated with me. I'm not saying I have never felt the desire to conform to neurotypical norms that is borne from insecurity, but primarily, I know that I don't want to work toward becoming 'normal'—I don't want to change myself for people who follow rules I find nonsensical. It's the difference between, "Oh god, why can't I get it," and, "WHY CAN'T YOU GET IT?" (phrasing here courtesy of my friend Miles @dogwoodbite). And for me personally, Dungeon Meshi is the first time I've seen this frustration and the resultant voluntary isolation from other people portrayed in media so candidly. Laios' anger is not downplayed or written to be easily palatable, either.

The culmination of Laios' frustrations in this scene wherein we learn that Laios has fantasised about "a pack of monsters attacking a village" drives home just how alienated he really feels. I need not go into his wish to become a monster himself, redolent of how many autistic people identify/have identified with non-humans to some degree as a result of a percieved disconnect from society (when I was younger, I wanted to be a robot. I still kind of do.)

Obviously, wishing death upon other people is a weighty thing, but the unfiltered nature of this page is what deeply resonated with me. The Winged Lion is laying Laios' deepest and most transgressive desires bare, and they are desires that are a product of lifelong ostracization by others (whether intentional or unintentional). This is the brand of anger I'm familiar with, and that my neurodivergent friends express being familiar with, but that I haven't seen portrayed in writing so explicitly before—in fact, it surprised me because most well-meaning autistic representation I've experienced veers toward infantilisation in trying make the autistic character's struggles easy for neurotypicals to sympathise with.

Let's also not neglect the symbolism inherent to Laios' daydream. "A pack of monsters attacking a village". Functionally, monsters are Laios' special interest—he percieves everything first and foremost through his passion for monsters. His daydream of monsters attacking—killing—humans, is fundamentally a daydream of the world he understands (monsters) overthrowing the world that is so illogical to him, that has repeatedly shunned him (other people). I joked to my friends that it's an autistic power fantasy, and it actually sort of is. And in it, his identity is aligned with that of the monsters, while his anger manifests in a palpable dissociation from the rest of humanity. This is one manga page. It's brief. It's also very, very raw to me. I think about it often.

To conclude, I love Laios Dungeon Meshi. This portrayal of open frustration in an autistic character meant a lot to me, and I hope I've sufficiently outlined why. Also, feel free to recommend media with autistic representation in the notes if you've read this far—I would really like to see if there is more of this nature. Thank you for reading. I'm very tired and should probably sleep now.

#dungeon meshi #dunmeshi #laios touden #shuro #toshiro nakamoto #the winged lion #autistic #autism #clay writes #i GUESS #this was so spur of the moment. im so busy right now i dont have time to be analysing laios touden #i wuont angry autistic rep..

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ao3-shenanigans · 2 months

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Hi, reminder to not infantilize autistic, asexual, or aromantic people and characters.

Thanks!

#Sincerely someone who’s tired of being treated like a little kid all the time #fanfiction #writing #fandom #autism #aro #ace #aroace #ao3 shenanigans

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madpunks · 8 days

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we are so ableist about memory. people with good memory take for granted the fact that they can recall as much as they can, and use that to taunt, guilt and threaten people with memory issues. many neurotypes and mental illnesses cause memory lapses. traumatic brain injuries can cause memory lapses. brain cancer can cause memory lapses.

even if your memory is good, it's not right to guilt someone because they can't remember something. trust me, people with memory problems are desperately trying to remember: it's just that we literally can't. it is a very literal "i can't remember".

#adhd #psychosis #psychotic disorders #autism #memory problems #memory issues #did #dissociative identity disorder #dpdr #osdd #mental health #neurodivergences #schizophrenia #schizohprenic #actually autistic #actually adhd #actually schizophrenic #depression #our writing

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starplatinumnun · 2 years

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can you infodump to me? (i love you) is this overwhelming? (i love you) is this the right texture? (i love you) is it ok to touch you? (i love you) do you want the subtitles on? (i love you) do you want to go somewhere less noisy? (i love you)

#actuallyautistic #autism #autistic #this is about what love feels like to me as an autistic person with neurotypical family and friends #you are more than welcome to add your own experiences!#red instead #autism acceptance #neurodivergent #my writing

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crippledpunks · 3 days

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i wanna say fuck you to anyone who shame disabled, chronically ill & neurodivergent people, especially homebound folks, for "spending too much time on their phone/on the internet/etc." when it's the only (Somewhat) accessible way for them to experience the world. many people don't get to get out much even if they want to because of their disabilities. shaming someone for trying to connect with the world, make friends and engage with hobbies in ways that are accessible to them is beyond cruel and unnecessary

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genderqueerdykes · 2 months

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i got paired up with a new therapist who specializes in and works primarily with neurodivergent patients. i felt comfortable enough to tell her that i'm autistic. she asked if i've ever received a formal diagnosis- i said no, because i've attempted in the past and i've been turned down because i'm "too articulate," i "speak too well," and they see my feminine deadname and that i'm legally AFAB and dismiss me, because "women can't be autistic".

my therapist told me that self-diagnosis is valid.

as we continued to talk through that session, she readily pointed out several autistic behaviors that i had been displaying without even realizing; i began infodumping about queer history and psychology without even realizing it, which she pointed out and then remarked that those are definitely special interests of mine. i felt floored. i knew these things about myself, but she acknowledged them effortlessly without hesitation.

in the next session, she pointed out that my tendency to re-analyze social interactions well past the time that they are over is also an autistic trait, and that i wasn't ruminating anxiously, but rather that's just how many autistic people process- we "over" analyze things in ways that allistics do not. it's difficult for many of us to figure out the entirety of what's happening in the moment, we process over time.

after that, she told me that during our next session, she wanted to spend that appointment talking about my special interests so she could get a better picture of me- specifically using that wording, calling them special interests.

after years of trying and failing to get acknowledgement for my neurotype, all it took was one therapist who specializes in neurodivergence to see the signs. one. sometimes all it takes is one person to make the difference. don't give up if you think you are autistic and are struggling to get a diagnosis or just recognition for it. it doesn't mean you're wrong. the average allistic knows nothing about how autism actually presents itself, only what they know from media, memes and mean jokes. sometimes all it takes is meeting one person who knows what autism looks like.

don't give up. you know who you are.

#autism #actually autistic #autistic #autistic things #neurodivergence #neurodiversity #neuropunk #our writing #about us

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milkweedman · 1 year

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fiber arts really is such an insane category of Things in how it can draw you in. like, 6 or 7 years ago i learnt to crochet and made a few terrible hats and scarves. then i learnt to knit because i wanted to knit a scarf for my friend (now fiance :D). then i realized it should be a woven scarf so i picked up weaving instead, but i still really liked knitting so now i was doing 3 crafts. somewhere along the way i started dyeing yarn as part of my kitchen experiments, and then i was like fuck it i wanna make my own yarn ! and that is where the problems happened. in the span of like 5 years ive acquired like $2000 of various tools (spinning wheel, combs, cards, blending board, several looms, etc), bought dozens of fleeces, and now my bedroom is basically a craft room with a bed, i have wool covering every flat surface in there as well as a huge dresser full of wool and several large drawers full of wool, i meticulously scrape every last bit of avocado out of the peel so i can use it to dye fleece, and i don’t go anywhere (including in my own house) without at least 2 knitting projects and a spindle.

im not complaining or anything, but the rapid shift from ‘guy who does stuff, idk’ to ‘guy who is worryingly obsessed with wool and will infodump at length about medieval sheep husbandry and the history of nettle as a textile if you give him half a chance’ is like. extremely funny to me.

#this is what happens if you mix adhd autism and wool i think #its got the Textures. its got the stimmy movements. its got the Things To Do Idly With My Hands So I Don't Start Dislocating My Thumbs #like. its crazy #sorry the edible hit like halfway thru writing this #idk where i was going with it xD #spinning #and yes ives youre to blame for 90% of this i think #<3

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manufacturedrainbows · 1 month

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My fellow fanfic authors, I'm begging on my hands and knees – and Ima hold your hand as I say this – you gotta respond to the readers that leave comments on your work.

I know social anxiety is the worst (trust, my autistic ass understands) but I promise you, nothing deters a reader from commenting more than seeing a comment section with no replies as you continue to post fanfics. Even if it's as simple as "thanks for reading!" or just some cute emojis, it'll show that you're actually engaging with your audience!

We work so hard on our writing, and those of us that post them online want it to be seen, right? Indulging in our little fandoms is how we build connections with people that feel the same way.

It might be hard or even scary, but I find the more you socialize with others (especially in a more controlled environment like a comment section), the easier it gets! 💕

#so go out there and respond to them comments!! you got this!! 🫶💖✨️#fanfic #fanfiction #ao3 #writing #writing community #fandom #comments #fanfic readers #fanfic authors #social anxiety #autism #neurodivergent #rambles #my writing

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akoiromanticstudent · 9 months

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#fanfiction #fanfic #ao3 #writing #writeblr #autism creature #fanfic authors #ao3 authors

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caliartcat · 23 days

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klavier you're gonna have to be more direct than that

#happy autism month #i tried to write an image description idk if its any good tho #klapollo #kyodoroki #apollo justice #klavier gavin #ace attorney #art #i still dont know how i want to draw apollo ngl i'll figure it out over time i guess #i already have more klapollo art ideas the grind never ends

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shitbrainratface · 1 year

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we need more cringe fail (affectionate) autism representation

where are my autisms who research their special interest for hours and only retain maybe 25 to 35% of the info they read?

where are my autisms who aren't quirky silly relatable but are instead unnerving and weird to be around?

where are my autisms who were never considered "gifted" nor highly empathetic and struggle to relate to others in autism spaces because of it

I love those autisms and you should too actually and if you don't then it sucks to suck I guess

#basically: write about me. do it. i promise you im cringe fail in the most pleasant way.#ok to reblog #autism #actually autistic #where are my autisms who go on tiktok and see a ''relatable autism things'' post and think to themselves ''those are things that all the #allistic people who bullied or excluded me did.''#''this is not an autism thing - this is something you do when youre a smart person who thinks theyre better than everyone and looks down on #those with learning or intellectual disabilities''

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master-xochimilli · 12 days

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I dunno I just think getting sucked off by my pup as I go on one of my half hour non stop nonsense rambles would be the hottest fucking thing ever

Like fuck yeah I'm gonna cum load after load into my pretty boy's mouth as he chokes on my cock while I pet his head and let them rest their cheek on my thigh as I ramble about what fruits I bought at the store

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patricia-taxxon · 2 months

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Attempting to extend sympathy to my younger self via self insert fiction.

"Hello there!"

I looked up from the lunchbox on my lap towards the source of the sudden loud voice, standing four or so feet away from me was a… dog? He stood on two legs, an eager look on his face. I looked around, none of the other kids were nearby.

"Hello?" I said back, a little confused.

"My name is Paul! What is your name?" The dog replied, both in an oddly formal tone of voice and… loudly, even though he was close enough to grab.

"My name's Bradley." I said, and went back to my PB&J.

"How old are you, Bradley?" asked Paul, in that same babyish but too-formal tone, almost like a robot.

"I'm eleven." I replied, without looking up.

"I'm ten!" He said back. "Nice to meet you!"

Several seconds passed, and he didn't move or look away. I realized he was waiting for me to say something.

"Nice to meet you too, Paul." His tail twitched as I said that, but he quickly moved his paw behind him to hold it in place until it settled. "Sorry," He said, before asking another question. "What do you like to do?"

His awkward storybook-speaking was offputting to me, but no one ever talked to me at recess, especially not completely out of nowhere like this. I answered his question, "I like playing Smash Bros," but I don't know why I thought of that first. I didn't really feel like finishing my lunch, I started to pack it away for later.

"What's that?" He said back. Was that a joke? He looked curious.

"Uh… it's a game, you can play as different Nintendo characters and fight each other." I waited for him to respond, but he was still listening. "You can uh… you can be Sonic."

"That's really cool!" He said. "Can I sit next to you?"

"Hm? Oh, okay, I guess." I replied. The dog's tail instantly sprung to life, and he once again moved his paw to stop it. "Sorry," he said, and moved swiftly to sit on the bench next to me, a bit closer than I thought he would. He looked up towards me like he wanted me to keep talking, or… it looked like he was looking at the top of my head, I wasn't sure.

Instead of explaining Smash Bros anymore, I asked a question myself to take the pressure off. "What do you like to play?" Paul blinked and his ears perked up. "I like Marble Blast Gold!" He almost yelped out, before drawing back. "But… shhh, don't tell anyone. I'm not supposed to talk about it."

That didn't make any sense. "Huh? What does that mean?" I asked.

"It's the best game ever, you like… you roll, and you have to… like, you have to get to the end. Uh." He stammered. "But I'm not… I'm not allowed to play it anymore, my teachers said I'm too obsessed."

"That's bullshit." I spat.

"Yeah!!" He yelled, leaping up onto his haunches, tail wagging up a storm, until he noticed again, and pressed his paw to stop it. "Sorry." he said.

"Why are you doing that?" I asked.

"Doing what?"

"Stopping your tail." I pointed to his butt. "Aren't you like… a dog, or something?"

Paul cocked his head like I asked him a really stupid question. "Yeah? Why." He said, carefully.

We stared at each other for another couple of seconds. I didn't know how to word my questions without sounding awkward. "I've met a lot of… dogs, and wagging tails is pretty normal." I felt insane saying it out loud.

"Well I'm special!" Paul beamed. "I can talk, I can stand on two legs!" He got up and stood upon the bench, barely reaching eye level with me. "I'm in a class for special dogs only." He bumped a fist on his chest.

"Oh… okay." I said, not really understanding. I guess the rules were different for dogs that talk. It felt weird watching him do that though, and saying sorry for it too. "Are special dogs… not supposed to wag?" I asked.

"Yeah. No wagging." He replied. "'Cus humans don't wag."

"But humans don't have tails in the first place." I looked behind myself to check. "So you don't actually know if humans would wag or not, right?" I was getting seriously weirded out by this conversation, but I just kinda kept going. "How'd you learn to talk, anyways?" I asked, Paul looked like he was processing what I said very slowly.

"Like I said, I'm special." Paul repeated. "I'm learning how to make it disappear, like everyone else. First I gotta learn how to keep it still, though, so the magic works."

"Magic?" I said back to him. I mean, it wasn't all that weird compared to meeting a talking dog, but the word still threw me off.

"Yeah, lookit!" The dog hopped off the bench, hunched over with his back facing me, and started screaming like he was about to go super saiyan. I didn't know what I was supposed to be looking at, I was too startled. I might have been imagining things, but I think I saw his tail slowly retracting into his body like a lazy snake.

"Paul! What the fuck are you doing??" I shouted, but instead of responding, Paul just… went silent and flopped onto his side. I quickly rushed over, yelling "Are you okay? What just happened?" I looked over his body, flat on the asphalt. His tail had grown all the way back and… his body shrunk. His head was halfway tucked into his shirt like a turtle. His paws barely poked out of his sleeves, pointing directly forward from his body. He didn't look like a kid anymore, he looked like a dog that someone stuffed into some kid's clothes.

After a second, I thought it wouldn't hurt to poke him. "Paul? Recess is almost over." I poked at his chest, and he rolled onto his back limply. I suddenly felt silly trying to talk to him, like I was trying to reason with a pet. I tried a different approach, I clapped my hands and rapped on my knees. "Hey! Up! Food!"

Paul's eyes shot open, and he sneezed, before wiggling his legs to right himself. He took an instant and a half to realize where he was, and he suddenly cowered, looking straight at me, shivering. "Hey, what's wrong?" I whispered. He looked side to side, back at his own doggish body, and back to me. He blinked, looking like he was about to run away.

"No, no, it's okay." I tried to be reassuring, I'd never had a dog before so I didn't really know what I was doing. I almost forgot that I'd just been talking about Smash Bros with him. "Uh… do you like granola bars?" His ears perked up, and his tail swayed, his new… anatomy making it hard to reach back and stop it this time. I grabbed my backpack from behind me and rummaged through it for leftovers, I got the other of the two bars inside the wrapper, the one I didn't eat, and held it out in front of me. Paul approached me slowly, his nose twitching. "Can you… eat this, even?" I asked, as he sniffed the crumbly rectangle. He licked it soon after, and started nibbling and snarfing after that. I watched carefully, scared to make any sudden moves.

Paul looked up at me again, and I noticed his eyes were a little different. More definition, like I could tell a little more what he was feeling. His new eyes looked concerned, like he was waiting for me to do something bad. He reached up with a paw, it was looking a bit more like a hand now. I let go, and he held the bar himself as he munched away, sitting plainly on his knees.

"What was that all about?" I asked.

"Maghic." The dog said through a full mouth.

"That was magic?" I replied. "I saw your tail shrink, I'm pretty sure."

Paul swallowed. "How much?"

I thought back, the image was still clear in my head. "Like… barely at all. A couple inches?"

"Aw…" He looked disappointed in himself.

We sat in silence for a bit, but there was a question I wanted to ask. "Why do you want to get rid of your tail? Like… that looked painful."

"Mrs. Millie said I can go to the regular class if I can turn human," the talking dog said, proudly.

"You're pretty bad at that." I chuckled, reaching out to ruffle his ears without thinking. Paul looked like he was about to take it personally, but suddenly lost his train of thought as my hand touched his head. "Bwuhhf…" He woofed under his breath, his tail twitched and his paws lost their thumbs again. I quickly pulled my hand back, "Sorry! I didn't…" Paul's eyes took a second to form together again, and he looked right at me, "That wasn't fair." he whined, but his tail was still wagging.

"You really are a dog!" I said, glancing sneakily behind him. Paul followed my gaze to his own tail, yelped, and quickly pressed it down with both paws.

"Oh, come on, stop it." I joked. "It's psyching me out, it looks like it hurts when you hold your tail in place like that."

Paul turned his head back at me. "It doesn't… hurt," he said, slowly and surely.

"Hm. Whatever you say." I got up and went back on the bench. After I turned around to sit down, Paul was already running towards me. I didn't have any time to think before he bounded into my lap and butted his head into my chest while his tail went crazy. The impact knocked the wind out of me, but he was pretty small, I got it back in just a second. Paul yipped and barked, maybe there were some normal words in there too, but I couldn't understand it. This is where I realized he wasn't a very special dog after all, I think he was just normal.

I scratched behind his head and stroked his back through those baggy clothes, and this time he didn't mind. He might have been crying, it was hard to tell, I didn't really know what dog crying looked like. Eventually, he settled down. I couldn't feel his shoulders anymore, he seemed in danger of falling out of his shorts if he wasn't careful. I had a dog in my lap, an extremely normal dog. He stretched his body up and rested his head on my shoulder. "I like you, Bradley." He said, a little too slowly, and a little too loudly. I didn't know what to say to that, he barely knew me. This was all very weird. "You're a good dog." I said back, just because it felt right.

I could feel Paul's body shaping up into a more human posture again as he regained composure. He let go, turned to the side, and sat down on the bench next to me again, staring at his paws in his lap. I leaned over, "You okay?" I asked. He didn't answer, he just put his paw on my wrist and started twirling the hair under my sleeve.

I quickly jerked my hand away and covered the hairy skin. "Don't look at that!" I snapped.

"You have fur too!" Paul yelled.

"No, no, that's hair. I'm just…" I didn't want to explain, it was too embarrassing. I looked like I had my dad's arms, I hoped that no one would see. "It's a condition."

"Oh. Okay." Paul stared into the distance again. We sat in silence for another couple awkward seconds before the bell rang.

"Bye, Bradley." the dog said, scampering off.

"Bye, Paul." I waved after him, being sure to hold my sleeve up with my other hand.

#writing #autism #species euphoria #cilantromixture #ughhh my child narration isnt convincing at all

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