So today is my 33rd birthday and I've spent it alone, in bed with little to no contact with anyone 馃檭馃珷! I'm not one to make a big fuss over my birthday, it's just another year and I have no one special or any friends to celebrate with really! I wish I had a big friend group or even just someone to celebrate it with but i don't, Its crappy but it's life!
Bless my mum tho, she's making me come over to theirs for some food and company tonight! Think she's worried about me living alone and being alone on my birthday!
So anyway, happy birthday to me and here鈥檚 to getting older 馃槀馃槄馃檭馃┑
I was always lonely mentally physically. no one ever made me feel like their presence were permanent . I tried to change their mind by trying to make them fall in love with me but all it got me was hurt honestly. I don't deserve all the pain I got build up . the trauma people caused me I'm noticing the fear of being alone has allowed me to put up with anything . when I say I'm going to be strong I mean I'm going to be strong for me . I'm the only one that cares about the way I feel I'm the only one that haves to feel this way and deal with these voices in my head telling me to give up . I will forever be broken because no one knew how to cherish me
I honestly don鈥檛 think I鈥檒l make it past forty.聽
Like I鈥檒l just sit there, a single father of countless unofficially adopted children, with a lil beard, I鈥檒l wear shirts with rolled up sleeves and have bloody hands. I鈥檒l wear those sunglasses that the guy who played Elrond wore in the matrix. I think I鈥檒l let my hair grow out a bit for the last few months of my life so I鈥檒l have a man bun like Eren Jeager.聽
I鈥檒l have four cats who have been accompanying me ever since my wild adventures across the globe and their names will be Bertholt, Darles, Edinburgh and Dick. And some of them might actually just be some really fucked up raccoons or ferrets or possums or whatever.聽
I might own a rocking chair and grow weed in my little garden. And that鈥檚 it. Boom. Black screen. End credits.聽
Like if you're: 1.the family member who is left out 2. Never gets invited to anything. 3. Won't even have your social media request accepted by any family member
I'm writing something here after a long time. A lot many things have happened since then. And yeah, I'm still alone, but happy (which is good I guess?)
A recent update would be that I kind of like my English professor (blushing :>) and I think he likes me back. He's young, saying so it doesn't feel weird. He is really kind and sweet, but I'm not sure if the feelings are really mutual or its just my anxious ass imagining things.
The fact is, I really don't believe that I'll ever have the dream date that all girls go on in their college days, and maybe I just overimagine things to make myself feel good. With everything that happened to me, I don't have the courage to trust anyone, and I would probably never go out with anyone in reality, but deep down, I do want to dress up like the other girls and go out. For once, I too want to be someone's top priority and for once in my life I want to feel wanted and cared for.
My new semester has also started, which means new beginnings and which also means that I will be really busy again. There are many things that I want to do, but I just don't have the time and energy to do it. Apart from this, everything is just same.
I'm still alone and struggling.
If you have read this far, thank you. The fact that you took your time to read what I wrote means a lot to me. ILY :>