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monzabee · 1 year

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you'll change your name or change your mind - cl16

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Summary: The one where you find your way back home, even if the journey takes longer than you think.

Pairing: charles leclerc x fem!bianchi!reader

Word Count: 5.9k

Warnings: mentions of jules and his accident, ANGST, talks about college acceptances in the US but it’s not accurate because i’ve never applied for US schools, mentions of alcohol and underage drinking/clubbing (only in the US though), mentions of a fake id, mentions of cheating, fighting, charles being stupid and not realising it, talks about processing grief, GRIEF, survivor’s guilt, talks of therapy, friends to lovers y’all.

Request: “The Charles fanfic was so good!! Can you write more angsty but happy needing Charles? I think it’s be cute for a man who loves Monaco so much to got to wherever his girlfriend lives Ike London or nyc often and deal with that. Maybe she hates monaco lol” + “if your requests are still open, max or charles + “you have to promise you won’t fall in love with me.” thanks!”

Author’s Note: hi, hey, hello!! i decided to give into the whole angst thing and i can honestly say that i’m having a great time. i wanted to include Jules somehow in this one because i’ve been seeing some edits on tiktok and let me tell you proofreading was a bitch because i kept crying. also, my spotify kept bringing up lorde and hannah montana songs, so there you go. this was definitely a hard one to write and i know it’s messy, but all feedback is appreciated. thank you, anon, for the request, i hope you guys enjoy! good morning, noon or night wherever you are, xoxobee

Please also note that all of my works are protected under copyright, and not available for reposting on other platforms.

Monaco is full of memories. It’s filled with memories of your childhood, your parents picking up you and your siblings from school in Nice, and getting the train to Monaco for your brother to compete in karting races. It’s filled with laughter, and ice cream, and friends. It’s also filled with fears, loss and uncertainty, and you suppose that’s why you didn’t ever want to go back. But you find your back there every time, even if it is only for a couple of days at a time. Although it reminds you of the bad times, it’s hard to erase the good ones completely.

Charles is just one of the people Jules brought into your life. He was right there since your birth – apparently, the Leclercs were visiting your family in Nice when your mother suddenly went into labour. You will always be thankful to Pascale and Hervé for stopping Jules from choosing your middle name to be Michael Schumacher. Neither Charles, nor you will forget the type of shenanigans you got up to as little kids, there is only a year difference between the two of you after all. There’s that one time you stole Charles’ kart and tried to go down the road, in which he caught you but instead of ratting you out to Lorenzo and Jules, who were supposed to be looking after you by the way, he helped you get it down the stairs and passed you his helmet as he explained how to go about it. Neither of your brothers were impressed by your ability to go fast or Charles’ sudden interest in maybe becoming a race engineer if the whole driver thing doesn’t work out. There was also the time when the two of you, along with Arthur, snuck out from a family friend’s wedding to only get lost in a city in the South of France; Charles got so stressed that he forgot how to speak French and proceeded to ask how to get back to the venue in Italian for the rest of the night. Needless to say, the two of you are there for each other no matter what; you stayed together through heartbreaks, wins, losses, losing Jules and Hervé, funerals, weddings and much more. The majority of your time together is spent in your family’s house in Nice. Charles doesn’t mind the half-hour journey, an hour if he decides to go back but he hardly ever does. Sometimes, he manages to convince you come to Monte Carlo for the day by bribing you with promises of sunsets and ice cream, but he will always drive you back if you insist you want to go home without any complain.

The first time you bring up the topic of moving, you’re in your last year of high school; by that time, Charles is already racing in Formula One, so your time together is limited to breaks between the races. However he tries his hardest to be there for you, from talking you through breakdowns that occur after long study sessions, to looking up pre-med programmes for you to apply all over the world. You never wanted to live your entire life between Nice and Monte Carlo in the first place, so is he is more than happy to help you explore your options. Your application results arrive when he’s on break between the races, so the two of you sit on the small table in his Monaco apartment’s kitchen, the light from your laptop lighting up both of your faces as you open up the emails one by one. You’re most anxious about your application to Columbia, which is 3.462 miles away from Nice, and 3.993 from Monte Carlo. By the time you finish opening up all the emails, both of you are sitting there with a silence between you. The acceptance letter still open on your laptop is congratulating you for your offer to join Columbia’s pre-med program the following September.

“Yes,” He looks at you expectantly, “Accept it, Y/N, you shouldn’t be even thinking about it!”

“Yes?” You let out a nervous laugh. “It’s not that simple, Charles–”

“But it is!” He argues, a big smile on his face. You can tell he is proud of you by the look in his eyes and the way his emotions carry through his voice. “It’s your top choice of school!”

“It’s also in New York, it means that there will be an entire ocean between us!”

He shrugs. “So?”

“So?” Your eyes widen in surprise, you start staking your head a little without being aware that you are doing it. “Doesn’t that scare you?”

“Chérie,” Charles coos, pulling your chair by its leg to bring you closer to him and wrap a supportive arm around your body. His chest rumbles from his low laughter as he presses kisses to your hair. “We’ll be fine, look at everything we’ve been through, and we’re not even that old.”

You scoff, hitting his chest in an attempt to get away; you start furiously typing on your computer. “You are old,” you point to him with a tilt of your head, “I’m not, though.”

He rolls his eyes and turns his concentration to the tab still open on your computer, “You’re going to accept the offer, though, right?”

You end up accepting the offer. Charles and his family is there alongside yours to send you off on a plane to New York City. Both your mother and Charles’ have tears in their eyes as they say their goodbyes, with your father giving you a similar look. Being the youngest of four siblings, it must’ve been hard to send their youngest all the way across an ocean, but they let you know that you have their support in every step of the way. With Charles’ schedule for the remaining races scattered all over the world, he tells you not to force yourself and to enjoy your first months as a college student.

You surprise him in Austin, though. Arranging this surprise is definitely not the easiest, but you ask Lorenzo for his help and he is more than happy to make arrangements for you. It’s the end of Friday’s last practice session when you surprise him in the Alfa Romeo garage. He almost walks past you, to get rid of his helmet when you say his name, but once he realises it is you he quickly pulls in for a hug. “What are you doing here?” He asks you while laughing with glee.

“Heard there’s an immunology seminar in town about the effects of talking a shower and then going out without drying your hair.” You answer with all the seriousness you can muster.

“Really?” He asks in confusion, taking his helmet and balaclava off and trying to fix his sweat-soaked hair.

You hit the back of his head lightly, shaking your head in disbelief. “No! I came here to see you race, you idiot!”

He shakes head in understanding. “Oh, oh!” His eyes widen once again with recognition this time.

“Yes, oh, now come on, we’re going out.” You’re quick to add, “To dinner because airplane food sucks. We’re going out clubbing after the race, though.”

True to your word, you go clubbing after his race on Sunday, which Charles is not entertained by. He’s paranoid by the fact that you are in the club with them in the first place, which should not be happening because you’re underage. He keeps silent as you show the bouncer your id, which he knows is a fake, by the way; as he sends Lorenzo an incredulous look, his older brother’s reaction consisting off a shrug of the shoulders makes him more paranoid.

“Y/N, you should not be drinking.” He voices his concern, as you’re on your second drink of the night. “This is wrong.”

“How is this different than me drinking back at home?” You argue with your eyebrows raised. “You don’t tell me I can’t drink when we’re back home.”

“Because it is legal for you to do so there!” Charles exclaims, somehow gathering the attention of some of the clubbers nearby, but he offers them an apological smile and then turns back to you with his voice lowered. “You’re not twenty one, ergo – you shouldn’t be drinking.”

“Pfft,” You shrug him off, “You’re stupid, and I’m bored. You want to dance?”

You help Charles to move into his flat in Italy when he starts racing for Ferrari. Though he still lives in Monaco full-time, he rented a small place in Maranello to stay when he’s travelling. It’s an emotional event, which has both of you sitting on the floor of his new apartment going through boxes of old photographs. He finds one of his brothers and Jules with you, standing in front of a karting ring with big smiles in all of your faces. You fingers involuntarily trace over your brother, your eyes misting when you think about the day.

“He was so young,” You whisper, having to swallow a sob which threatens to escape.

Your eyes linger on the photograph for a while, and Charles quickly understands that you were not talking about the photograph as the tears you were trying to hold back find their way onto your cheeks. “He was.” He agrees; there aren’t enough words in the world to describe what losing a family member does to a person, and he understands you in a way most people cannot.

You offer him a sad smile through your tears. “He would be so proud of you.”

“He would be also so proud of you,” He whispers right back, leaning closer to you so that he could wipe away the few stray tears. “In fact, I am pretty sure he is.”

“Stop it.” You laugh softly through your tears as you push yourself to get off the floor, and dry under your eyes with your fingers as you look across the room. “Oh my god, Charles, we have so many boxes to go through.”

He gets up after you and looks around the dusty living room as he attempts to get rid of the dust on his clothes. “We do, don’t we?” He watches as you kneel in front of an unopened box and slice through the tape with a knife, and starting to go through the items in the box. He watches you go through the items silently for a while, noticing how seriously you take the task. His eyes linger on the frown on your face for a while, the way your eyebrows scrunch in question, or how you tuck a stubborn piece of hair, which escapes from the braid in your hair, to the back of your ear. He stalks closer, gently gripping one of your wrists and pulling you to your feet. “Dance with me.” He asks – which comes off less as an ask and more of a demand, which causes you to playfully roll your eyes at him.

“Charles, the boxes–” You try to argue.

His laugh is laced with mischief. “The boxes will still be there, chérie, just one dance won’t change anything.”

You try to come with arguments in your head but all your attempts are quickly thrown out the window when you realise just how green Charles’ eyes actually are. “We don’t have any music.” You try to offer as a measly argument.

Charles raises his eyebrows as he wraps his arms around your waist after making you wrap yours around his neck. “We don’t need any music, Y/N.”

So you give up in any attempts in stopping him, as he starts to slowly sway both of your bodies from side to side. You let out a chuckle when he stars, terribly, humming to an old song you used to hear on the radio. “This is stupid.” You mumble as you keep up your pace with his movements.

“You seem to keep calling me that.” Charles recalls, making both of you laugh in recognition. “I need to tell you something important.”

“So tell me,” you encourage him, motioning him to continue.

“I met someone.” He announces, a small smile playing on his lips.

You breath get stuck for a moment, in which you remind yourself that Charles is waiting for your reaction – most likely a supportive one at that. “Wow, Charles.” You breath out and give him a smile, which you successfully manage to pass off as a supportive one, hoping he doesn’t notice the way your voice breaks off in the end. “I’m so happy for you.”

You’re not stupid – thinking that either of you could stay single forever is an unrealistic one. But it hurts to imagine him with another person while he looks at you like that makes a part of you crumble up into a ball on your bed and cry. And that’s just what you do when you go back to the hotel that night (because the house is still unliveable when the two of you decide you’re done for the day). You try to keep your sobs as quiet as possible because you know Charles is in the hotel room next to yours. As you’re looking out the window, watching the night sky light up with stars in Maranello that night, you tell yourself you, somehow, need to move on from your best friend.

The next time you see Charles is during Christmas time. You have a tradition – Lorenzo, Charles, Jules and you, a tradition, which Arthur joined once he was old enough. It’s a peculiar one. While it’s not uncommon for most families to watch Christmas movies during this time of the year, your choice of movie has not Christmas elements in it at all. Every Christmas, the four of you watch The Sound of Music. It’s a silly tradition which was born out of boredom and lack of movies one Christmas, but it’s a tradition you managed carried out every year.

You can still remember Lorenzo complaining because “It’s three hours of songs about whiskers and bass clef.”

While Jules gives his best friend an unamused glare, both you and Charles try to mimic the Frenchman who you idolise. “It has nuns, songs, Nazis and familial love, Lorenzo, what more could you ask for?” He shrugs as he turns his attention back on screen, “Plus, Julie Andrews is hot.”

“Why would she be hot?” You remember asking, the woman on the screen not seeming uncomfortable by the weather.

“No reason,” Jules assures you, wrapping one of his arms around you.“Watch the movie, shortcake.”

And yes, while it might be stupid to watch the same movie, which has no Christmas value at all, every year on Christmas day, it’s a reminder that you have each other even if you’re not always together. So when you sit down to watch the movie that Christmas, there is a bad feeling in your stomach when you realise Charles is not there to watch it with you. If his brothers also find it weird that he’s not there they don’t make a comment, neither do you, for that matter. You try to push it to the back of your mind and enjoy the moment, telling yourself that even if this is a tradition between the four of you, it’s not the end of the world if you fail to do it. So you smile, and have fun throughout the day – when you’re watching the movie, or when you decide to hold a gingerbread house competition (Arthur wins, by the way), or when you sit down to have dinner with your families, and it makes you feel a thousand times better.

It’s late when he comes home that night, Lorenzo and Arthur have already passed out on the couch with you trying to read the anatomy textbook on your lap in the low light.

“Hi.” He greets you as he gives you a tight-lipped smile.

“Hi.” You whisper back, trying not to wake up the boy sleeping next to you. “Did you have fun?”

“Yeah, it was a good day.” He answers truthfully, and then motions the book resting on your knees. “Aren’t you going to go to sleep?”

“No, I think I’m going to stay here tonight.”

He doesn’t argue as he presses a kiss on your temple. “Okay, good night, chérie.”

One thing about Charles, is that he is very secretive about his relationships – to the point where he won’t introduce someone to you or his family if he doesn’t think the relationship is going somewhere. So, when he brings over Charlotte for lunch the next day, there is a buzz around the house. The lunch goes well, you think. Charlotte is sweet, and the two of you talk about many things including your universities; she’s very impressed that you want to go into the medical field and you tell her that architecture must be a pain in the ass to study and she agrees with a loud laugh.

When Pascale asks them what they did for Christmas yesterday, Charlotte leans against Charles’ arm as she answers, “Oh, nothing. We just stayed home and watched that old movie – what was it again?”

“The Sound of Music.” Charles answers, his eyes are focused on his hands, and you know this, because your eyes don’t heave his frame until Arthur forces you to carry the dishes into the kitchen.

“We’ll do them, maman,” he announces when Pascale attempts to tidy up the dishes, “Y/N will help me, won’t you?”

“Yeah, sure.” You nod, the voice coming off from you not matching the sunny disposition you present to the rest of the room.

You carry the dishes Arthur passes to you to the kitchen, holding your breath in an attempt to keep the tears at bay, and you succeed, too. At least until Arthur comes after you, carrying more dishes and places them next to the other ones near the kitchen sink. You start scrubbing them with intensity, your sniffles and the sound from water whooshing around in the sink filling the room. Arthur pulls you against him as you lean your forehead to his shoulder, or where you can on his arm due to your height-difference, as you start quietly sobbing. Arthur turns the tap on as he lets you cry into his shoulder.

The two of you return to the dining room after the dishes are done, and continue the conversation as if nothing happened. After Charlotte announces that she should be on her way, you walk her to the door with everyone, the two of you exchanging numbers as she makes you promise to go shopping with her the next time you’re in Monaco. You agree with a chuckle and tell her only if she teaches you how to draw because your “Anatomy notes are seriously suffering.” After she gives Charles a kiss and leaves, Charles turns to you.

“It’s just a movie.” He says in a low voice.

“You’re allowed to have fun with your girlfriend, Charles.” You assure him and pat his shoulder for good measure. Then, you turn to Arthur, who is watching the exchange with a confused look on his face. “Want to play a round before I leave?”

“Sure,” he agrees and the two of you move into the living room to play a round of F1 on the PlayStation. He sets it up for you as you try to get comfortable on the couch, trying to get rid of the feeling of unease as Charles watches you from the other side of the couch. “Who do you want to pick?” Arthur asks you, the cursor hovering over his choice – who is of course his brother.

You stay quiet for a moment and answer him in a calm voice, “Give me Max.”

Charles scoffs from the other side and pushes himself off, his arms crossed over his chest. “Rich, Y/N, just rich.”

“What?” you ask him with faux innocence and a shrug of your shoulders.

His voice is accusatory when he snaps, “Stop being childish for a moment.”

“Oh, I’m being childish?” You ask him, getting off the couch as well.

“Yes, you’re being extremely childish right now.” He agrees, nodding his head. “Glad we at least agree on that.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” You ask again while narrowing your eyes.

He scoffs, “It’s just a stupid movie.”

“I didn’t say a fucking word about the movie, Charles.” You point out, mimicking his pose as you cross your arms over your chest. In reality, it’s a short attempt at trying to hide your shaking hands. “But it’s not a stupid movie, it’s tradition.”

“Traditions can be broken from time to time.” He argues.

“I didn’t say they couldn’t.” You shrug, trying to appear indifferent to the man in front of you.

“Maybe if you tried to stick around for more than three days at a time, you wouldn’t be so upset about these type of things.”

Your mouth hangs open in shock. “Excuse me?”

“Charles, maybe you should–” Arthur tries to stop his brother, but Charles waves him off.

“Sometimes I think ‘Did I do something?’, but then I realise that maybe the problem is not me–”

Though you’re shocked by his words, you find yourself assuring him, “It’s not, it has nothing to do with you.”

Both you and Arthur can see something snaps in him, causing him to raise his voice. “Then what is it? Tell me so I can fix it and you can stop running away!”

You shake your head, your arms which are wrapped around you becoming tighter as an attempt to provide yourself some sort of protection. “You can’t fix it, Charles.”

His arms become undone as his fists ball on either side of his body. “You don’t know that–”

“No you can’t!” You scream, somehow more tears flowing from your eyes. “You can’t bring Jules back because he’s dead, and you can’t fix me because I’m not a toy! You think I want to live this way? You think I want to go back every damn time I set foot in this city because I just hate it here? I can’t bear the thought of staying here because of the fact that my brother died while I was here and I didn’t get to say goodbye to him.” You point a finger towards him, your voice gradually becoming louder to match his. “He was dead by the time I got back to the hospital and they told me he couldn’t hold on any longer, how do you think that makes me feel every time I feel like I’ve overstayed in this city, huh?”

“You need to stop living in the past, Y/N.” He shakes his head. “Don’t you see you’re letting the past hold you back?”

“‘Letting the past hold me back’ do you even hear yourself right now? I am trying my best to move on!”

“By moving across the ocean?” He asks you, “By leaving the people you love you behind?”

“You– you can do this!” You scream as you walk towards him and jab your finger against his chest. “You told me to take the offer, you told me to move away because you were so sure we’d be fine.”

“Well maybe I was wrong.” He whispers, grabbing both of your wrists to stop you from poking him and curling his arms closer to his chest.

Your eyes widen with a furious look in them, which makes him realise he sees more of Jules in them than before. “Screw you, Charles.” You struggle against his hold, hitting his chest with your fists with every word as you scream, “Screw you for trying to dictate how I process my grief, and screw you for acting so indifferent.” You win your struggle in the end, taking advantage of the fact that he is both distracted and speechless to get out of his hold and quickly grab your things.

“Where are you going?” He asks you as you’re putting your coat on.

“Anywhere but here.” You snap at him, refusing to meet his eyes.

Arthur quickly comes near you with a concerned look, “You shouldn’t be driving right now, at least let me drive you.”

You give him the warmest smile you can muster up, “I’ll be fine, ThurThur,” your eyes find Charles’ as you continue, “Don’t ever change, okay?”

After the disastrous Christmas last year, you two didn’t talk for a whole year, even though the people around you tried their hardest to bring you to talk to each other. Even Charlotte tried to trick you into spending time, claiming that she had a work emergency just as you arrived at the lunch you two scheduled to find Charles sitting there – you quickly left without being seen and spent the day walking through the marina because “Fuck Charles if he thinks you can’t spend more than three days in Monte Carlo.” He spends Christmas with Charlotte again, but unlike this year, you don’t feel sad about his absence, choosing to call it growth when reality it’s actually packing it away to deal with it another time.

The two of you eventually do make up, though, when you go to one of Arthur’s races to support him and run into Charles on the track. You talk between breaks, both of you succumbing and apologising to each other for the things you’ve said – him more than you, but you still apologise for the way you’ve acted afterwards. Arthur has a strange smile on his face when he finds you, releasing a relieved breath when you told him that you’re fine and you’re going to take baby steps.

“Good,” he smiles, “maman was about to lock you onto Charles’ yacht.”

Your therapist calls is ‘survivor’s guilt’. Yes, you have one of those now because although you want it to be false, you think a part of what Charles said might be right. She explains to you that it’s a natural response where someone has suffered a loss and you didn’t. This confuses you, though, because even if the loss in question is the death of your brother, you weren’t there to experience it with the rest of your family. Dr. Gambini is there to explain that “Although it implies experience, it doesn’t necessarily mean you can’t not feel the loss of something you didn’t get to suffer.” So, you go through the therapy experience to try to understand your own feelings, which makes you think maybe it is what you should be focusing on in the first place. It’s an overwhelming feeling, understanding things about yourself which you didn’t before – the things you used to feel slowly gain meaning as you go about it. You’re proud of yourself when you talk about it to your parents, and they tell you that they are proud of you for giving it a go. Charles joins you in one of your sessions – it’s Charlotte’s idea, actually. He tries to understand why, and how he can help you – he leaves the session feeling proud of you for taking care of yourself.

A few months later, you get a phone call from him when you’re in the middle of the week when you are studying, while all of your friends are away for spring break. His voice is thick with tears as he tells you that it’s over between him and Charlotte, but refuses to give you a reason when you ask why. It leaves you confused in New York, but when he asks you if you can come home for the weekend, you don’t hesitate to book a ticket for the next flight out. He’s shocked to find you standing in front of his door, but pulls you in for a hug anyway. Neither of you care about the duffel bag that hits the floor at your feet, even when you’re stumbling over it to get to him. You don’t talk, but hold each other throughout the night. He offers to cook for you, but you decide that ordering pizza is a better solution than trying to each what Charles attempts to cook. So, you end up deciding on pizza and a movie.

You look at him confused when you realise which movie he’s selected, “It’s not Christmas, Charles.”

He sits down on the couch, and pulls you under his arm as he reaches for the pizza box sitting on the coffee table. There’s a nostalgic smile on his face which you cannot understand. “I owe you two screenings of this movie, Y/N. Now eat your pizza and watch it.”

So, the two of you watch the movie in silence – with silently laughing in relevant scenes and Charles even attempting to sing the Lonely Goatherd, which leaves you in tears because of how much you’re laughing. At the end of the night he walks you to the guest room in his apartment and pulls you for one last hug, whispering, “Thank you for coming,” into your hair.

“Of course, Charles.” You whisper, turning your head and softly pressing a kiss to his shirt-covered chest. “Try to get some sleep, okay? I’ll see you in the morning.

He’s in the kitchen when you wake up in the morning, focusing so intently on something on his phone to notice you. You ruffle his hair as you make your way through the kitchen to make some breakfast for the two of you. “Good morning to you too, you grump.” You tell him, when you finish getting out the ingredients for the breakfast you have in mind.

“Morning, chérie.” He answers, in a non-committal voice.

“And to think I was going to make you pancakes.” You sigh as you halt the movement of your hands and lean against the counter.

A playful smile is on your lips when Charles excitedly raises his head. “Pancakes?” He asks in a soft voice.

“I was going to add chocolate chips, too, but you didn’t say good morning to me and now I don’t think I’m in mood to be honest with you.” You shrug, starting to put away the bowls you took out.

He quickly comes behind the counter to tickle some sense in you, and you use the bowl in your hands as a shield as you start laughing. He gives up after a while, pressing a kiss to your temple and fixing some of your hair which fell out of place during the ‘fighting’. “Good morning, how can I help you?”

“Wow, you actually want to help me cook for a change?” You coo, ruffling his hair again and hitting his hip with yours to get him out of your way. “Go wait on the other side, you grumpy baby.” He complies to your directions to sit on the other side of the island, but doesn’t bother with his phone this time. You make a motion towards his phone on the island with your head as you crack the eggs into the bowl. “Is everything alright?”

“Yeah, just some problem with the car.” He answers. “I might need to go to Maranello for a day or two. When is your flight back to New York?”

“Oh– I can change it if you know the date–” You start to say, but he quickly cuts you off.

“What? No, I don’t want you to go back.” He quickly says, shaking his head. “I just thought you might want to come with me rather than stay here.”

“Oh,” You say, looking around. “It’s not a problem, I can stay and study.”

There is a confused look on his face. “Stay? Here?” He asks over and over again. “Here? Stay? Alone?”

“Yes, Charles, I can manage to stay by myself.” You sigh. “I did it last summer for a month, you can trust me, alright?”

“You were in Monte Carlo for a month, last summer? How did I not catch you at all?”

You let out another sigh, “In case you don’t realise, I’m very good at avoiding you.” You continue when he gives you yet another confused look as you start mixing the batter. “Charlotte told me to meet her at a restaurant but it was a set up for me to meet with you, so I got in the car and drove away. It was probably the closest we got to each other.”

“Wow.” He looks at you with wide eyes. “Just, wow.”

You roll your eyes and glare at him. “Stop looking at me like that. My classes are all online this semester and Dr. Gambini thinks it’s good for me to spend more time here; it’s supposed to help me get closure, or something.”

He gives you a big smile. “I’m proud of you, Y/N.”

“Yeah?” You ask him, his smile quickly mirroring on your own lips.

“Yeah.” He breathes out. “And you can stay here all you want! And cook me breakfast, you know.”

You let out a laugh this time. “I can get my own place, Charles.”

“But then who will cook me breakfast?” He asks with a small pout.

“You are a child, Perceval.” You laugh at the way he looks at you, with his elbows bent over the counter and his upper body leaning over the stove. “I’m only cooking you breakfast; you have to promise you won’t fall in love with me after this.” You joke.

You turn around to look in the cupboard for the chocolate chips as you hear him mumble, “Too late.”

You almost hit your head at the open cupboard door when you turn right back to look at him. “What?” You walk towards the island as you mumble out, “No, no, no, no, don’t say that. You just broke up with your girlfriend, Charles.”

“We broke up almost five months ago.” He announces, no hint of joking in his voice. “Right before the Abu Dhabi race.”

“That’s not true.” You say, shaking your head. “I spoke to Charlotte; she told me everything was fine.”

He shrugs, then offers you an explanation. “We announced it a couple of months later, but we’ve been broken up for a while.”

“But then why did you call me a couple of days ago to tell me it was over?” You ask him, visibly confused.

He looks guilty as he admits. “I– I don’t have a good answer for that.” He stalks over to the other side of the island again to trap you between himself and the marble in an attempt to prevent you from evading. “All I can say is that I love you.”

“Oh, wow.” You say, suddenly you can find the right choice for words. “Say that again for me?”

“I love you, Y/N.”

“Now in French?”

“Je t'aime.”

“In Italian?”

“Ti amo.” He laughs this time, leaning down towards you to bring his face towards yours. “You done?” You nod your head with a giggle escaping past your lips. “This would be a perfect time to say something, you know.”

“Oh, right.” You nod in acknowledgement. “Thank you.”

“What?” He asks in horror.

“Yeah, thank you. You know, for the–”

“Chérie!” He exclaims with his eyes wide.

You continue your giggles as you place your hands on his cheeks and pull his face towards you, resting his forehead on yours. “I love you too, chez moi,” my home/place. The pancakes are long-forgotten when you pres your lips on his to give him a kiss, somewhere in the universe your twelve year-old is high-fiving with herself, but you are happy to be finally home.

#monzabee #f1 fic #f1 fanfic #f1 smut #formula 1 #fanfic #f1 x reader #f1 x you #f1 x y/n #charles leclerc #charles leclerc x reader #charles leclerc imagine #imagine #fluff #angst #smut #charles leclerc smut #charles leclerc fluff #charles leclerc angst

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thetriumphantpanda · 10 months

Text

Joel Miller Masterlist

Series

The Way You Miss Me Explicit | COMPLETE SERIES | F!Reader Joel is your daddy’s best friend. One evening, when your dad has to work late and you’ve been babysitting Sarah, tequila emboldens you to tell Joel what you’ve always wanted to tell him.

Ghost of You Explicit | On-Going Series | Widow F!Reader Grief is a strange thing. In the beginning it had been all-consuming. There wasn’t a moment of the day where you didn’t cry, didn’t ask yourself why it couldn’t have been you instead. And no-one ever explains the guilt you feel when it isn’t anymore. When it’s just a dull ache and you can finally breathe again, when you can start letting people get close to you again. People like Joel Miller.

Trial & Error Explicit | COMPLETED SERIES | Joel x F!Reader x Tommy Tommy has always been the loyal and doting boyfriend, the literal man of your dreams. Ready to take things to the next step, you soon find that Tommy is unable to have children. A family is all you’ve ever wanted, and neither of you are going to let this get in your way. Enter Joel, dark and mysterious and willing to do anything for his little brother, including fucking his girlfriend to get her pregnant. That’s what brothers are for, right?

Come Away With Me - Trial & Error Season Two Explicit | COMPLETED SERIES | Joel x F!Reader x Tommy Four years have passed and you’ve managed to raise a beautiful baby boy into a sweet little boy. Four years of one night with Joel Miller and countless others with his brother. You’ve been trying for months now for your second baby and it’s proving much more difficult than first time around, so Joel has a plan. One week, alone, on the lake, with one goal - another baby.

In The Woods Somewhere Explicit | On-Going Series | Joel Miller x F!Reader Joel Miller, exasperated by his estrangement from Ellie, volunteers to scout out a new patrol route for Tommy. Weeks into his solitude, he stumbles upon a cabin, not abandoned, but filled with children, and you. Drawn to you like a moth to a flame, Joel’s arrival into your bubble sets off a catastrophic chain of events. You’re reliant on him now, having to trust him like no-one else to get you back to the safety of Jackson. You’ve done terrible things to stay alive, things that would disgust most people, so much so that you truly don’t believe you deserve the kindness of this rugged stranger. After everything you’ve been through, you and the children, why does he deem you worthy of his love?

The Checklist Explicit | COMPLETE SERIES | Joel Miller x F!Reader Your new boyfriend Joel finds your hidden stash of porn, full of pages with their corners folded over, marking the things you like the most. Expecting him to feel bad about finding things you’re into, things you haven’t asked for from him, you’re surprised when he offers to help you tick them off.

Delicate - Co-Authored with @hellishjoel Explicit | On-Going Series | Joel Miller x Single Parent F!Reader Sarah decides, with a year until she leaves home for good, that it's time for her dad to start dating again. Joel doesn't understand the fuss, he's more than happy with how life is for him right now, but decides if it's for Sarah, he'll give it a go. After wading through the dating apps, he comes across someone new, someone who might just be able to be the company he's needed all along.

One Day I'll Fly Away Explicit | On-Going Series | Joel Miller x F!Princess Reader A disgraced Princess, wrapped up in a scandal that no-one saw coming. A scandal and a messy, public divorce that has shaken the British Royal Family to its core and caused a media frenzy. Running away seemed the only option, get away from the eye of the storm, but no matter how far you run, the people who want to find you, will always find you. You were meant to lay low, keep your nose out of trouble, but when the handsome and rugged town rancher is as mysterious as he is, it was always going to be a disaster waiting to happen.

One-Shots

In His Healing Hands Explicit | One-Shot | F!Reader You come back from patrol with a broken body - knees and feet aching with age and the physical toll of the world. Joel knows exactly how to help you, putting his hands (and mouth) to good use.

Where You Want Your Gift, Girl? Explicit | One-Shot | F!Reader It’s your birthday and Joel, knowing it’s not your favourite celebration, is keen to show you that it‘s not always going to be a bad day, not if he can help it.

She A Bad Lil Bitch, She A Rebel Explicit | One-Shot | Brat Tamer!Joel x F!Reader Joel has to teach you a damn lesson, just like always.

Got My Mind On Your Body Explicit | One-Shot | Joel Miller x F!Reader He's the most beautiful man you've ever laid eyes on, even as he grows older, and you're determined to show him just that.

Ask Nice For It Explicit | One-Shot | Joel Miller x F!Reader You know this dance with Joel like the back of your hand - when he needs you, you do exactly as you're told.

Light In The Darkness Explicit | One-Shot | Original Female Character Amy O'Leary has a grudge with Joel after he failed her before, but a forced scouting party and a rainstorm later and they are brought together closer than Amy ever could have imagined.

Drabbles

We Have To Make This Quick - 585 words of smut

Come Back To Bed - 969 words of smut

I’m Going To Ruin You - 1.4K words of smut

Suck It and See - 1.9k words of smut

#pedro pascal #joel miller #the last of us #joel miller smut #the last of us hbo #tlou #joel miller fic #Joel Miller fanfic #Joel Miller fanfiction #joel miller fluff #joel miller x you #joel miller x reader #Joel Miller x female reader #Joel Miller x f!reader #Joel Miller Pedro Pascal

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thepeacefulgarden · 1 year

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That might mean... * We skip the holidays altogether * We poke our heads in for dessert, but we don't stay for dinner * We don't go to Christmas service/Mass (or whatever other worship service) * We buy gifts only for immediate family and close friends * We get our loved ones experiences instead of things * We make gifts * We don't DIY our decorations or gifts, or only DIY some of them * We get a smaller tree or none at all * We decline the invitation to that cookie swap that will have us making 3 dozen each of 3 different kinds of cookies * We don't invite certain people * We get smaller gifts for people * We limit the number of invitations we accept, and the number of events we host * We don't buy gifts for anyone past puberty * We walk away from conversations that aren't going anywhere good. * We hang up the phone or log off Skype/Zoom/whatever * We put ourselves on a budget * We learn to say "no" and set boundaries * We don't go see certain family members * We give ourselves permission to just let it be a normal day * We ask for help, and we learn to (graciously) accept that help * We make the gift-giving a "Secret Santa" kinda thing so we only have to get one gift * We send cards and letters only to close friends and family, instead of to everyone and their dog * We accept that our holidays might not look like a Norman Rockwell painting or a Hallmark movie or whatever's going on on Pinterest, and that's okay * We make space for grief and other messy feelings * We cancel plans and don't feel guilty about it * We make time to rest

#rest #holidays #give yourself permission #christmas #kwanzaa #yule #boundaries #self care #self care is not selfish #you are not a scrooge #you are not a grinch #stop the glorification of busy #mental health #family #dysfunctional family #generational trauma #grief #hanukkah

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gglitch1dd · 1 month

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I js knowww Mina and Sero wanted to bat the shit outta Bakugo, Ochako, and Izuku. Bakugo and Ochako for being messy (Mina STILL holding that good ol’ grudge on him), and Izuku for cheating.

And then poor Eijiro bc Katsuki is acting like they didn’t have their daughter TOGETHER, he’s just pretending like she doesn’t exist anymore :(

After the collapse of the building, the next time Sero and Mina see either Katsuki or Ochaco, Sero DEFINITELY has to restrain his wife so that she wouldn't commit murder. She would dump acid all over them.

"Hanta, hold my hoops!"

"Honey, I love you, but you can't go to jail yet!"

Sero would let his wife loose after the second time and just go take a smoke because he just couldn't care after that.

But I really think that Sero would sit down Izuku and have a heart to heart. Man to man. Because if there was one man in the entire world that understood what Izuku went through would be Sero, cause he went through it to.

"Listen man..." Hanta leaned back in one of the outside chairs, Izuku sitting next to him in his wheelchair. "I understand, I really do. I know how hard it is that we are expected to be strong in such situations when we feel just as much grief as everyone else. I get that. However, cheating?" He shook his head. "When you have a wife like that, that would die for you and stick with you, you shouldn't even be able to imagine being with any other woman other than that."

I don't think people understand just how painful it is to have been Eijiro or Satomi during the divorce. Katsuki FAUGHT to keep Kane in the divorce and to have full custody, but Eijiro fought for both kids. Katsuki took Kane, not only as his biological son but as the kid with the highest potential as a future hero.

Katsuki absolutely just ignored that girls existence as ever being his. Imagine how painful that is? She doesn't have a mom other than YN trying her best. However, she just has her dad's. So for one of them to just ignore her and disown her like that is painful.

And it's painful for Eijiro to see someone he once loved do that. :( Poor Eijiro.

The drama happening there is so sad.

#glitch1d questions #glitch1d

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rinhaler · 3 months

Text

In The World My Demons Cultivate

“Why do you miss me?” he breathes again, your voice hitches at the thought of explaining yourself so intimately. So desperately. You won’t be able to stop him from judging you or mocking you for being so weak, and still, you do as he asks.

✧˖*°࿐: 18+ only, no minors. ✧. ┊ ghost!toji fushiguro x f!reader

Genre: angst Notes: cried so much writing this oof Warnings: 18+, fem!reader, no smut, dead character (obviously), mental heatlh struggles, suicide ideation, grief/loss, drug abuse, pet names. Words: 3k

Does it ever stop?

“No, not really,” he answers.

You look up, seeing a familiar face, a familiar scar. One that you haven’t seen for a long, long time. It makes you laugh. You’re giggling like a little girl as you look at him. And he’s looking at you, too. A missing memory that you’ve blotted out every single day for as long as you can remember.

How old were you?

How old are you?

It doesn’t matter, you suppose. In the grand scheme of things nothing really matters to you or anyone else. You don’t matter and no one else does, either. You’re just another set of lungs tarring them with filth at the end of the day.

You quit, you did.

You really tried to quit.

But it’s the only thing that makes you stop thinking about your miserable fucking life for a few hours until you pass out and have to live it all over again. Everyday is the same. How do people live like this every single day until they die?

How do people pretend they aren’t suffering when they are?

They are.

You are.

“Can you read my mind, Toji?” you laugh.

He nods. And he notes how your eyes instantly flutter closed when he places a hand on your bare shoulder. It’s been too long since you’ve been touched.

Held.

Loved.

He knows you better than you know yourself. He’s always been like that. You’ve never been able to keep a secret because he’ll get it out of you one way or another. You’ll crack under the pressure of a stare so intense it could turn mere rock to diamonds, the power of glorious green eyes over your fragile mind.

That or you’ll tell him of your own volition.

Does he really possess the power to read your mind? Is that why you love him, so unequivocally? Through all of your faults, he’s here. Through all of his, you love him, still.

You smile.

“I wish I was dead.” you grin, but his face is stoic.

“You said that out loud.” he hisses. You mewl, and it’s gentle, as he runs his fingers through messy, unwashed hair. You’re like a cat, eyes closed and purring for him as you rest your head on his thigh. “Don’t joke about dyin’, sweetheart.”

You didn’t think he’d come, no matter how hard you wished for it. You hadn’t thought he’d show up just for you. And yet, here he is, with his back pressed against your headboard and a deep rumble in his lungs with every heavy intake of exhausted breath.

Like it’s hard.

Hard to breathe or hard to be with you, you don’t know. You don’t want to know, either. He’s here, that’s all that matters now. Things feel good again, normal.

“When did you get here?” you wonder, your voice is barely above a whisper as you speak. Eyes still closed so delicately; he can see the way your eyes are trying to explore your bedroom despite them being shut. He likes that about you, that your mind can never switch off.

But he hates it, too.

He’s not alone in that.

“I’ve been here the whole time, baby.”

Did you forget? Have you misremembered because you’re so fucking stoned? It’s possible, but unlikely. And still, you don’t question it. The warmth of his hand on the crown of your head, the pudgy but sturdy flesh of his thighs beneath your cheek are enough.

You don’t need answers, not now.

The blue light from your laptop flickers and blinds you as the same trailer that Netflix has been repeating for hours now continues to loop and loop. It should be driving you mad, but it isn’t. It’s inaudible to you, especially now.

A heartbeat fills your ears and ricochets between the four walls of your bedroom. The vociferous beating might deafen you if you don’t clear your mind of it, if you don’t speak you might succumb to the burden of it.

“I’ve missed you.” you whimper.

His hand freezes, tongue drying in his mouth before turning into sand he’ll surely choke on. He swallows, and it’s loud. A cartoonish gulp as he hears the sorrow in your words, a meek cry for help that you wouldn’t dare admit to. You couldn’t do that to him, not really, not right now.

“I know.” he sighs.

“I’m so…” you start, your voice fading away as you contemplate keeping your words to yourself. He isn’t the type to care, is he? He hasn’t missed you, anyway. Or at least he didn’t say it, which, to you, surmounts to the same conclusion.

You aren’t missed, not by him.

Neither of you speak, but his fingers resume soothing your scalp. He won’t say he’s missed you. He won’t tell you anything you want to hear; he isn’t like that.

Could it be that he can’t, rather than won’t? It’s trite, burrowing your head between each word and letter he’s spoken and hasn’t spoken. Searching for some double meaning in the words he chooses instead of just some meaning.

Any meaning.

What does it mean to find purpose or reason at a time like this?

It won’t help and it won’t change things. You’ve long accepted that things don’t change for the better. They change, things certainly change. But not for the better. Or maybe they do, for other people.

Not you.

Never you.

“You’re so loud.” he mutters, prompting you to roll over to face him. He looks down at you, it isn’t patronising. It’s generic, which might be worse. There’s no feeling with him, in him, from him. At least if he was patronising you he’d feel something for you.

He’s felt nothing for so long.

You wonder if he ever felt something for you.

“I didn’t say anything.” you tell him.

He does nothing except poke his index finger into your exposed temple, and for some reason, it urges you to smile for him. It’s been so long since you smiled because you wanted to, not because you were forced out of sheer obligation.

That’s why you don’t mind, or rather, prefer being home with nothing but Netflix trailers playing on continuous loop for hours and hours on end while you get so high you scare yourself stupid until you pass out.

It’s a disgusting habit that you can’t rid yourself of.

It’s your only comfort. Your only solace from how downright devastating and pathetic your wretched life truly is.

Nobody expects anything of you when you’re home alone.

“You think too loud,” he starts, the force of his pointed finger becomes deeper but soon leaves completely. Your skin feels colder, right after. Like losing an extra layer of clothing despite being in a warm enough room, you miss the feeling regardless. “You gotta stop.”

You shake your head, closing your eyes again.

“I can’t help it, there’s too much to think about.” you breathe.

The thought of him disappearing into the night never to be seen again, it horrifies you, and it’s at the forefront of your mind. He’s been gone for so long now, you’re sure. He lied, though you aren’t surprised in the least. He’s always been a liar that still possess the ability to have you hanging on his every word.

If you talk, you’re scared he’ll leave. Though he can hear your thoughts, or so he claims.

Again, he’s a liar. If that were true he would have left by now. If he knew how pathetic and desperate your reeling mind sounded he’d have run off and done exactly what you’re worried about him doing.

“You’re so hurt up here, baby,” he tells you, words hushed and secretive as he strokes his thumb across your forehead like you’re precious. Like you’re brittle enough to turn to dust if he applies too much strain. “Aren’t you?”

A sob leaves your throat, and you want the world to swallow you up right then. Tears begin to pour from watery eyes and soak into the material of his trousers before you even think about answering. You do, though. Because you want to, not because he’s making you. You nod, an uncomfortable beat of sniffling silence goes by before you utter a word.

“I wasn’t j-joking.” you start, “I don’t want to be here.” your voice cracks as you speak, the notion of your words and the burden on them weigh down on you enough to make you dizzy and sickly.

He shushes you, not because he wants you to stop talking, but he wants you to stop working yourself up into a nauseated stupor.

“Why?”

“Because I miss you, Toji.” you sit upright, your temperature feels like it drops below freezing when you part from him fully. He pulls you backwards, into his arms before you’re both lying side by side. His chin rests atop your head while you play with your hair, too choked up to say another word.

He doesn’t say it back, again.

But maybe him holding you like this is his way of saying it.

“I don’t know what you mean.” he tells you. His voice is quiet as he speaks into your hair, but you hear him clear enough. You want to argue, but you can’t. The room spins and it feels like you’re floating. Everything mirrors over what feels like hours. Furniture isn’t where you remember it being and you don’t feel like you’re in the right body anymore.

Is he here with you?

You feel a squeeze.

You don’t know what’s happening, anymore.

Those hours that passed were barely a minute. His face is nuzzled into the juncture between your neck and shoulder, and his breath is mystifying against your skin. Every huff is like ice and you feel the way your skin clusters and rises in uneven bumps as it tries to preserve any remaining warmth lingering through your body.

“You can tell me, without telling me.” he explains, though you don’t really follow. His arms tighten around you again before releasing you slightly, slowly, enough for you to wriggle around in his hold if you choose to. You don’t. You’re completely still, digesting his words. “I’ll hear you, no matter what.”

“I don’t know what to say, Toji… I, I really don’t.”

Not because he told you to, no. You’d do it anyway. You do it every single day when given the opportunity to dwell. All he can do is hold you as buckle under the lofty ideals and pressurizing weight of your spoiled existence.

I miss how I felt with you. I miss how life felt worth living each day because there was so much to do with you. Nothing felt impossible, everything is impossible, now. Even small things that are simple for others, aren’t for me. Things felt new and exciting, I’m too tired of everything now. Food seemed more appetizing with you, everything tastes worse now.

Things are meant to get better, easier. People say that but I feel the same as I always have. It fluctuates, there are ebbs and flows but ultimately I’m always going to be sad. My skin feels worse and my body doesn’t belong to me anymore. I don’t want to be in it, I don’t want to be attached to the skin and bones that are meant to be mine. They aren’t. They were never meant to be mine. I’m wasting the oxygen in my lungs, I’m rotting.

Everyday is the same.

I only rot and wither.

I’m lonely and unsatisfied. Nothing makes me happy because I don’t have you. No lover will compare. No meal will stave away the starving pangs I feel in my stomach. No drink will be cold enough to quench my thirst in the beastly summers and none will be hot enough to warm my bones in the bitter winter.

I’m wholly unsatisfied.

People do great things. Not me. I don’t doubt people would miss me if I died, but I don’t really care. It’s selfish, but I’m tired. I’m exhausted. I miss you, I miss you more than I’d ever be missed. I mourn your life, a life that isn’t mine, more than I will ever mourn my own. Every breath I take feels like a theft. I’m stealing the air and lung capacity of someone greater than myself, someone worthy.

I’m worthless.

I speak sentences no one cares about, not like you do. No one will ever care about me like you do, and you don’t even miss me. I wouldn’t, either, I suppose. Any words I say, poetry I write, canvas I paint, is worthless. I am a burden in people’s eyes, my creations aren’t worth viewing, my point of view isn’t worth seeing, I’m worthless.

I am worthless, Toji.

Do you think I am? Maybe if things were different, maybe if I didn’t miss you so much, I wouldn’t feel like this. I wouldn’t feel burdened by a life lost and squandered that I will never be able to know the way I so desperately crave. It’s my fault, I know. I love you and I want you back but I’ve lost you forever.

What I have now, my miserable little life, is what I will have forever. A true burden, a hinderance, a stain. I can’t do it anymore, I can’t. How am I expected to live a life I’m so depressed by for the sake of others. So I don’t make my family or friends sad. It’s selfish, I’m selfish, I’m finding it hard to care as each day passes.

I’d rather be with you, now.

Things don’t get better, I won’t get better.

I know my thoughts are loud, my thoughts are exhausting and it’s hard to hear or think clearly like this. But if I’m with you, it’ll stop.

I don’t want to miss you anymore.

I don’t want to be lonely anymore.

No one loves me the way I need to be loved; but I don’t know how to ask for it.

You sit bolt upright, breathless before running to the bathroom. You’re panting and your mouth feels warm and icky from the taste of swallowed tears. Though your face still shines under the bathroom light from them. You don’t have a glass, you bend over and drink water directly from the tap as you try and regain your composure.

He’s staring at you from his spot on the bed as you gasp and devour each droplet you can. It coats your tongue and bulges through your throat as you take heartier gulps than you had any business taking.

But soon enough, you’re back in his arms as you try and calm yourself down. You’re always tired, but now, after that, you’re exhausted. You wonder if he really did hear you or if he lied to you. It doesn’t matter you suppose. There’s nothing you can do to make him miss you too. There’s nothing you can do to force him back to you.

He’s gone.

For good.

“Why are you still here?” he asks you. Your eyes open, only a little, wondering if you heard him right. “If you were serious, if you weren’t joking, why?”

“… I’m scared,” you admit. “I wasn’t joking… but I am scared. And I know… I know people love me, I know people care about me. It doesn’t feel like enough, it never has and I don’t think it ever will. But… it’s something.”

“Why are you scared?” he continues.

“I— I don’t think things will get better.” you confess. “But what if… they do?”

You don’t see the way he smiles when he hears you speak. When he hears that resilience in your words. You’re hurting, you’re struggling. And still you’re here. You’re trying, your fighting. You’re hoping.

Things might not get better. But what if they do?

One day you might remember why your favourite foods are your favourite foods again. The TV shows and films you love might feel warm and familiar again. There could be someone, anyone, waiting to find you so you can share these things with them, too.

Things could change.

People might listen to your thoughts and care about them. The words you write might matter to someone. The paintings you create might be worlds people fantasize living in as they hang on their walls.

Someone might love you the way you need to be loved, without you knowing how to ask for that brand of love.

Toji misses you, he mourns you, too. But you understand, now. He doesn’t want to hold you back anymore. He doesn’t want you to keep suffering because of him. Because you miss him.

So, you’ll always miss him, there won’t be a day you won’t think about him.

But if there’s a chance, however small, that things might change, he wants you to take it.

“Goodnight, baby.” he hums. “… Princess? I’m proud. I'm proud of you.”

It warms your body to hear him say it. It’s a little embarrassing, but you can’t bring yourself to care. It’s words, maybe it’s lip service, but you made someone proud. And you sleep peacefully with that knowledge.

Daybreaks through the window, bright and invasive enough to break you from your sleep. You fell asleep above the covers, you aren’t being held anymore. There’s no noise in your apartment, there’s no signs of life besides your own beating heart.

Maybe it was like that the whole time.

#toji x reader #toji x you #jjk x you #jjk x reader #toji fushiguro x reader #toji fushiguro x you #jujutsu kaisen x reader #jujutsu kaisen x you #jjk x fem!reader #female reader #dead character #tw mental illness #tw suicide ideation #tw grief #tw loss #tw death #tw drug use

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dmwrites · 5 months

Text

Here’s the thing. It wasn’t really Lizzie’s spine.

What was a man supposed to do? Lizzie had died in the end dimension, for goodness sake, walked off the edge. There is no bottom of the end, no body to collect. So Scar had to improvise.

His task had said to become the villain of the server. Scar had read it with a heavy heart, surrounded by his loneliness already. He’d been chased, stolen from, slashed at, left. And he’d tried so hard to be nice and friendly. By all means he should become the villain of the server. Grief, steal, make enemies. But he was so tired, so sick of the unfriendly silence that surrounded him all the time.

But Scar had tried, he really did. He burnt the heart foundation to the ground, watched that happy face melt off its oh-so-flammable head. He roasted anyone who passed, and their enchanting setups. He shot at anyone who made a pass at him. But it all felt stiff and cold, practiced movements of a wind-up doll that just did the same thing over and over again. There was no bloodthirsty joy in this, just that dreadful knowledge that his task was driving him further from people he wanted to love him.

Looking back, he wasn’t quite sure what exactly drove him to the idea of selling Lizzie’s spine to her grieving husband Joel. Maybe it was that desperation for anything that would make him feel alive again, or the pressure of the task looming over him telling him he hadn’t done enough. But no matter the origin, the ending was the same. Scar was standing in front of the simple gravestone of Jimmy Solidarity, shovel in hand.

The dirt was fresh still, easy to slide his shovel into. Lizzie and Jimmy and Mumbo had all died in rather quick succession only a few days ago, and it had been quite the convenience that a grave had already been dug for one of them. Lizzie would have been first choice, obviously, but the only thing left of her was her house. Mumbo had been lovingly taken away by the mounders and placed somewhere in their walls, so Jimmy was the obvious choice. No one would notice any change to the grave anyway- Jimmy had been dead in the eyes of most of the people here even before he’d been killed.

Scar worked with a single-minded focus, channeling all the terror and the loneliness he’d felt in this damn world into his frenzied digging. He didn’t hide what he was doing- at this point, no one would even come near him. He’d shoot them if they did.

His shovel hit wood, and he grinned. Something was beginning to stir within him, finally, finally. He’d tried so hard to be good and polite and fair. And where had it gotten him- well, to Jimmy’s grave, mostly.

He cracked the lid.

There was already some sag and rot to the peaceful face of Jimmy Solidarity. Physically, he’d been unharmed by the warden’s sonic blast that had ended his life for good- the harm was all to do with the brain and all that. Scar wasn’t a scientist, just a buzzard, and all he cared about was the spine.

It took a fair amount of grunting and strength to flip Jimmy’s body over, and he certainly wasn’t helping. Dead weight and all.

“Listen, Jimmy, it’s for the best, you know.” Scar said, taking out the dagger he’d crafted only a few hours ago. “You’re not doing anyone any good by just lying here, and I have profits to make. No hard feelings, bud.”

He sliced down, just kind of guessing at where he’d meet tissue and fat instead of ricocheting off of bone. It was messy, messy work, as Scar carved away at Jimmy’s back. But he got there eventually, the bright shine of bloody bone within the mound of meat. Scar had to hack at various connective tissue and bone to pry the spine free, and boy was he winded, but finally, finally, he felt the low heat of gritty joy as he held the bone structure in his hand.

“Thank you Jimmy.” Scar leaned down, pressed a kiss to what used to be Jimmy’s lower back. His face came away wet, and he licked his lips.

Scar kicked the dirt back onto the grave after he pulled himself out of it, messy and quick-like. No one would notice, no one would care. They’d all be dead soon anyway. Scar had only one thing on his mind now, and it was to profit from this endeavor. He wondered how many diamonds Joel would be willing to trade for this, how many riches he would get from the secret keeper for this task complete.

“Joel!” Scar called, waving as he made his way up the hill to Joel’s place- a fairground of sorts, a real nice place to get dizzy at.

“Hey fella- woah, what on earth happened to you?” Joel’s mouth fell open as he took in Scar’s appearance.

“Oh, have you not seen my outfit yet? Look at my butt, there’s sunflowers on it.” Scar said, turning slowly in place.

“No, I’ve seen that… Scar, you’re covered in blood! And dirt!” Joel exclaimed. “How- you’re not even red, surely you’re not-”

“Joel, my good friend, have I got a deal for you!” Scar interrupted, giving Joel a hearty slap on the back (he heard the tick of half a heart of damage taken). “I have Lizzie’s spine, and I was wondering what you would trade me for it?”

He pulled the spine from his bag, red and white glistening in the sunlight. It hung limply like a dead snake from his open palm. Joel’s eyes widened, and he took a step backwards.

“I don’t really want it.”

He knows, something whispered in Scar’s head.

“Oh, sure you do! A memory of your wife, so sadly taken from us, rest her soul.” Scar purred, putting a hand to his heart. He stepped closer after a moment of silence, the spine swinging in his hand. There was blood on his shoes.

“I- fine, just look in my chests, take whatever you want.” Joel rasped, a hand on the doorframe of his house. He kept stepping away from Scar, eyes darting from him to the bone in his hand. Joel was scared, deliciously so.

“Fantastic!” Scar said brightly, taking a few things from the chests and tossing the spine in Joel’s direction. “Thank you so much for doing business, Joel. Enjoy your wife! Or, a piece of her, anyway.”

He left, not waiting for any kind of response from Joel. His heart was pounding, and perhaps for the first time this whole season, he felt alive.

#tw gore #secret life smp #goodtimeswithscar

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samkerrworshipper · 5 months

Text

ephiphany | lucy bronze x reader

warnings: homophobia, mentions of overdose, grief, death

You thought you were getting better, or happier at least.

You cleaned your room, or you tried to. You worked out, well you walked into your home gym and then turned around as soon as your foot hit the floorboards. You left the house, or you sat in your backyard for a total of five minutes. All the things your therapist was telling you were for the best, all the right things.

Now, you’re lying on your couch - because yours is messy because clean for you is more about removing any major tripping hazards in comparison to actually cleaning. Everything feels like it’s slipping away from you.

You can’t do much more than stare at the blank wall in front of you, the one part of your living room that you choose to keep blank for this reason exactly. Every single other wall is adorned with shelves, paintings, trophies, photos, but this strip of plain white plaster is completely blank. It’s an island of peace in a room full of noise.

You can’t help but wonder why everything that's led to this has happened, why the cookie had to crumble this way for you.

Lucy’s on the phone in the kitchen, yelling at someone or something, Narla is lying beside you on the couch, absolutely desperate for your attention, something that you are yet to award her, Narla is trembling slightly, she hates when Lucy yells, the both of you do. You can’t help but think of all the bad things, can’t stop thinking. No matter how many of the pictures on the walls that you look at, or the art displayed on the plaster it’s just too much, too much for your brain to handle.

You’ve been trying to tell yourself for weeks now that you’ll get over it, that you’ll be good and happy and everything is going to be fine, because if it isn’t then everything is fucked. Everything you’ve ever worked for or wanted is gone.

You thought life was getting better, you thought you were going to return to the pitch, out of respect for Jonatan you were getting annoyed at yourself that you hadn’t gotten on the pitch yet, because it had been fucking weeks, and all you had accomplished was a messy room and a lot of tears.

Grief sucked.

Having your mom die from a fucking overdose was the freight train that you never expected to hit.

But when it did it was fucking carnage, a fucking wreck that had torn your life to pieces in a matter of minutes.

Maybe you’d hurt her, maybe she’d hurt you, maybe you were careless and didn’t think about how leaving your family would hurt her, maybe your choices had resulted in her death.

She was understanding until you told her you were gay.

She cared about you until you told her you were moving to Barca to be with Lucy.

She was your biggest supporter until you told her that you were so scared of how your father would react that you needed to move so he didn’t find out when you were in the house with him.

Maybe you could’ve been the bigger person, faced your fear.

Maybe, had you stayed and protected your mother from your fathers wrath she would still be alive.

But you left.

And maybe all the ‘hurt people hurt people’

Bullshit is true, maybe your mom only hurt you because of how much your father hurt her. Maybe she was just another example of the cycle of abuse that was so fucked up.

But that didn’t make it any easier, didn’t make it any easier to acknowledge that your last conversation with your mom ever was her screaming at you about how you were going to hell because of who you loved.

It’s been a little over a month or so since you visited her grave.

You remember the woman who had been visiting the grave next to you asking if you were okay, you didn’t know how to answer her.

In a matter of seconds of replying ‘yes’ you were gone, leaving behind a part of you that you never wanted to face again.

You saw the life drain from Lucy’s face as you confessed to her all of your guilt in the car ride back to Leah’s house, where you were staying for the weekend.

Lucy held your trembling body in her arms, holding onto you as tight as she could and promising she’d never let go, and she didn’t.

She could feel you slipping away out from under her, when your shared bed started to turn into a nest of blankets and you refused to let Lucy clean it up, when you made her take down every single photo you had of your family, desperate to remove any traces of them from your life, Lucy watched as you refused to eat anything, watched as your body began to thin and the bags under your eyes only got bigger.

Her therapist told her that everyone had a grief process, everyone processed death differently, but she was watching you kill yourself in the process of greiving your mother, and it gutted her.

In the six years that the two of you’d been dating she’d met your mother once, and that has been as a friend, not a girlfriend. You’d told Lucy about your families homophobic views, but she just couldn’t comprehend it, couldn’t comprehend how someone so amazing and loveable could have her whole family turn on her just for who she loved.

You let go of them though, washed your hands of their blood and let them run down the sink. It had been hard for you, losing a whole support system, but you’d worked through it, Lucy had been there for every single step of the way.

But right now, she felt more lost than ever, you were like a ghost in her arms.

When Lucy finally did finish on the phone she walked into the lounge room, to find you bunched up in the blankets on your couch, staring at the same spot that you always seemed to be looking at. The same spot that a month ago had held the picture of your mother and you, from your England debut. It was your favourite picture, the both of you beaming from ear to ear, you’d never felt like she’d been more proud of you then she was in that moment.

It had come down though, a month ago when you’d gotten rid of every single trace of your family that was left in your shared apartment. It had shattered Lucy seeing the very little evidence there was of your family being completely stripped from your house, on every edge of the apartment there was some sort of proof of Lucy’s family, whether it was pictures of her nieces and nephews or little mementos from trips or memories.

Lucy walked around the front of the couch, to spot that there were cold, still tears dripping down your face.

“Baby, everything okay?”

It was hard getting through to you nowadays, you were like a locked up safe, it was hard to get much out of you.

When Lucy realised that her soft tone had done absolutely nothing to penetrate your spaced out mind she raised her voice a little bit, taking a step closer to you and blocking your view of the wall just slightly.

“Baby, you okay?”

Your eyes snapped up to Lucy’s face, your jumper sleeve moving directly up to your face to wipe the tears off of your face.

“She’s gone, Luce.”

Your words were a murmur, hardly pronounced but Lucy caught them.

She slipped onto the couch beside you, opening her arms to you and smiling to herself as you climbed into her lap almost immediately, your arms wrapping around her neck like she was a lifeline.

“She’s fucking gone and I never told her that I loved her or that I forgave her or that I understood her struggles, she’s gone and I-I how am I supposed to live in a world where my mother didn’t love me or want me?”

It was so hard to hear those words leave your mouth, that you felt like you were unwanted, because you weren’t. You’d found a family in Barcelona with Lucy, your teammates were your family and they loved you more than enough, but they weren’t your blood.

“Sweetheart, do you actually believe that those things are true? That she deserved to be told you loved her when she didn’t deserve it?”

Your sob was enough of an indication of your answer and Lucy only held onto you for longer.

“She didn’t want me.”

Lucy didn’t know what to say to that, because she couldn’t lie to you and tell you that your mother did love you or want you, she couldn’t lie to you. Your mother was like a oxymoron of sorts, because in no way had she behaved in a way that was motherly or loving, she had canned you because of who you were, and that was fucking horrible, it sucked.

“I know baby, but I do, I love you so much, we’re going to get through this.”

Lucy wasn’t sure if you would get through this, she didn’t know how many works your body could do this for, how long you could struggle, how much longer you could let yourself be pulled apart by the death of your mother, how much pulling you could deal with before the scars were simply to big for you to be repaired.

She knew she’d lost parts of you since it happened that she might never get back, parts of you that she so desperately missed, which felt horrible, because it felt illegal to miss parts of your lover, but she did, she war mourning her own life with you that had faded away when she died.

Lucy didn’t know if you’d ever be kay, she prayed to every star that you would, that tomorrow, or next week, or next month she;d get a part of her girl back, a sign that you were okay, she was waiting for that, waiting so patiently for a sign that you were still in there somewhere, that your mother hadn;t taken you to the grave with her, that you weren’t just a skeleton walking around anymore.

———————————————————————

yeah so poll is voting for more big fics but this little drabble ideas has been in my head for a few days and i had a few fiq reqs for grief angst so here it is xo

#woso #woso community #lucy bronze is daddy #lucy bronze imagine #lucy bronze x reader #lucy bronze

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emeritusemeritus · 3 months

Text

No Good Deeds [George Weasley x Reader]

Part 6

Part 1 2 3 4 5 6

Pairing: {George Weasley x Reader} mentions of previous Fred Weasley x Reader.

Timeline: Set a few years after DH, loosely following Canon.

Summary: A few years after Fred’s death, the investors of Weasleys’ Wizard Wheezes demand changes to the name. All it would take is two years of a fake marriage to fix the issues, but no good deed goes unpunished.

Warnings: Fake marriage trope because we love the cliché. Mentions of death (Fred). Friends to lovers. Slow burn but mentions of kissing and eventual smut. Swearing. George calls us Angel. Drinking. SMUT. The smut has arrived! P in V, oral (both). Angst, sadness, grief. Tags will be updated with each chapter. Not Beta-read or spell checked.

Waking up beside George Weasley was an absolute dream come true, far beyond your wildest imaginations. Light was creeping in through the thin voile curtains of the bedroom, casting everything in the room with an ethereal glow that only added to the sense of fantasy you had since waking. You were still naked but covered by the duvet that you'd shared with George, though admittedly there was more pulled over on your side than his. His arms were tangled around you, keeping you close to him in his sleep, his left hand placed over your belly as he half spooned you. The light glinted off the wedding ring on his finger; a sight that had you smiling into the open room, wanting so much to do a little happy jig at the very thought. You wanted to stay frozen in this moment forever, feeling exactly as you did and remembering all of it with such acute precision that you hoped never faded. Your bladder unfortunately had other plans and so you found yourself carefully but quickly trying to untangle yourself from George's arms, peeling yourself delicately away until you could creep into the bathroom.

Last night had been a rush of sex and sleep, without any thought to unpacking or preparing yourselves for the morning and so as you all but ran to the bathroom, you considered your options. The only clothes you had on hand were your wedding dress and that was an unquestionable no, there were towels you could wrap around you, wander aimlessly completely in the nude as you sought out your bags or steal George's shirt from the floor. The latter was the most reasonable and once you'd relieved yourself and washed your hands, you crept out to check that George was still asleep before ducking out of the room in search of coffee, slipping George's shirt around you as you walked through the rather chilly hallway.

Luckily, the owners of the cabin had left some basic amenities for you, including some fancy sachets of coffee that would require almost no work and so you quickly boiled the kettle and made yourself a coffee, setting a second mug aside for George whenever he would rouse.

George had brought in all the luggage last night and had placed it all by the couches and so you busied yourself with unpacking your toiletry bag and other items whilst you waited for George. You couldn't unpack your clothes yet, not wanting to wake him up and so you stayed in his shirt, feeling comforted by the smell and the soft material. It absolutely drowned you, the sheer size of it almost laughable compared to your smaller frame but it felt wonderful against your bare skin.

After tidying up, you walked over to the kitchen to make another drink, flicking the kettle on ready when the light from the window caught your rings and made them sparkle, catching your eye.

"I'm dreaming aren't I," you hear from behind you and you can't help but jump, even though you knew it would be George. You spin around to see him stood in only his suit trousers, clearly having the same issue you had. He looks so absurdly handsome in the morning sun, hair still messy from sleep and naked from the waist up. "There is absolutely no way people will believe that you married me, look at you."

He walks over to you as you shyly smile at his words, smirking down at you before he leans down and presses a kiss to your lips that takes your breath away, the passion of it coming from almost nowhere.

"Stealing my shirts already Mrs Weasley?" He teases with a smile against your lips, "Godric it looks good on you."

You can't reply, his words ringing in your mind as you feel from the sexiness of the rasp in his morning voice, the sight and sound of him too much for your brain to handle.

You kiss him back with a feverish passion, trying to project exactly how he was making you feel, your hands slipping up to his fluffy red hair. He groans into the kiss and moves forward to trap you against the counter, hips locked together as you keep kissing, the evidence of his arousal so plainly pressed against you. You're on fire, your skin burning with the need for real ease again, brain turning to complete mush as the need arises from nowhere.

His hands fight the last remaining button that was keeping the shirt together, the rest of them having being flung around the room in the skirmish last night. When he manages to pull it open, his hands immediately began pawing at your curves, your naked body exposed to him again as he growls into the kiss. His fingers dance over your skin until his long, skilled fingers slip between your legs.

You moan against his lips as he strokes across your pussy lips, gathering the abundant wetness and teasing your throbbing clit with a feather light touch that drives you mad.

Suddenly, his hands fall away from your pussy as he begins kissing down your neck, over your breasts and across your tummy, sinking downward into his knees. His tongue pokes out and catches your clit with dangerous precision that it makes your knees buckle, though he holds you steady. He reaches out to grab your leg and hooks it over his shoulder, keeping his other hand on your hip so he could hold you steady. Bared before him, he immediately drags his tongue over your puffy lips before sinking deeper until he runs his pointed tongue right from your entrance up to your clit. He circles the aching bud with the tip of his tongue, moaning as he does so, before wrapping his lips around it and gently sucking in little waves that make your head spin. You cry out, unable to hold back as you call out his name, being perfectly worked over by his incredible mouth.

He quickly pulls away but before you can whine in protest, his hands cup your bum and hoist you up onto the counter, legs instinctively parting for him.

He wastes no time, finding that the counter was almost the perfect height for him and licks up and down your pussy, gathering and spreading your wetness leaving no place untouched. You're aching for him, deliciously tormented by his skilful tongue but you need more, need him to fill you.

You reach out for his head, removing your hand from where he'd entwined your fingers on your thighs, pausing him. He looks up with a questioning gaze and you can't help but bite your lip as you look down at him, beckoning him. You pull him in for a blazing kiss as soon as he reaches the right height and your hands immediately set to unbuttoning his trousers, pulling his cock free as they fall to the floor. You pump him in your hand, the delicious weight and girth of him almost making your mouth water as he moans, resting his forehead against yours as he enjoys your work.

"Fuck me Georgie, need you, need to feel you stretching me out," you whisper, moaning at the very thought. You scoot forward on the counter so that your bum overhangs, aligning your hips so that you can guide him through your heat, teasing him before you line him up with your waiting hole. He sinks in slowly, allowing you to breathe through the delicious intrusion, feeling your walls flutter to accommodate him. He pulls out slowly before sinking back in with more force, feeling no resistance from your pussy now. His hands are everywhere, as are yours as he begins thrusting with the most incredible rhythm, hard and fast enough to quench your desire but slow enough on the pull out that you can feel every inch of his perfect cock. He bends down to pull one of your sensitive nipples into his mouth as he fucks you, your bouncing breasts drawing his attention. He licks and sucks over the nipple and you cry out in ecstasy, feeling completely consumed by him again.

Your hands wrap into his hair and around his shoulders, fingers grazing the silver chain around his neck, keeping him close, before you slip down to graze his abdomen, fingering slipping lower to feel where you're connected, feeling your pussy lips stretched out to accommodate him. Your finger slips over your clit and you throw your head back, narrowly avoiding a wooden cupboard, needing just a little more.

George seems to sense this, the angle not being completely perfect and suddenly pulls off your breast before reaching for your thighs. He pulls you away from the counter, keeping your hips aligned and walks you over to the nearest wall, his cock still deep inside you. He holds you tight as he fucks you, the new position making fireworks explode in your mind as he shifts you up and down on his wonderful cock, fucking into you with complete abandon. It's incredible, mind blowing and undoubtedly the best sex you'd ever had. His arms are bulging under your weight and his face is confronted in such pleasure that you can't help but watch him, your own hips bucking harder and faster in an attempt to keep him inside you. Your exposed clit rubs against the little patch of hair above his cock where you're joined and it's sheer ecstasy, every single part of your body at George's mercy.

"Georgie, I'm," you cry out, feeling your orgasm hurtling towards you. He nods, unable to find the words as he fucks harder and harder into you, knowing that his own climax was rapidly approaching. "Cum in me George, baby fuck please cum inside me!"

He roars as he cums, almost on command, dragging you with him so that you climax together, your body contorting and bucking up into his as you cry out. His grip on you is almost painful but it's so erotic, the primal urge so evident as you both ride out your highs together, cock pressed deep inside your clenching walls, chests pressed tightly together and lips searching for each other to whisper sweet nothings and curses.

He rests his head against yours as you both come down, each of you chuckling before he leans down and pressed a much sweeter kiss to your lips before he slowly pulls out and places you down onto the ground, keeping you steady.

"I'm stealing your clothes more often," you joke breathlessly, trying to fight through the somewhat awkwardness that had filled the room after the moment had passed.

"Steal my clothes anytime," he replies, panting himself as he slips his trousers back on, keeping them zipped but unbuttoned. He kisses your head as he walks around you, hand stroking your naked bum cheek as he slips in beside you to boil the kettle, preparing two mugs. You walk over to your suitcase and try to find a fresh pair of clothes and underwear before slipping into the shower.

The shower cleansed not only your body but your soul, washing away the last remnants of your wedding makeup, hairspray and George's cum that had begun to leak out of you and down your leg. You looked at your wedding rings in the shower with a sense of bewilderment, unable to believe that this was actually happening for you.

Until you remembered that it was all fake.

Suddenly you felt sick to your stomach, ashamed and guilty that you'd fallen for your own lie. You'd slept with him, multiple times now and had forgotten the most basic part of the plan, the entire reason for all of these things- it was all fake for the sake of the business. You'd let yourself get drawn in and had been so naive to think that for even a second George would actually want you like this. You were a pity fuck, because he couldn't have anyone else for the next two years, you'd have to do, a temporary agreement, a place warmer.

The high you'd been chasing since yesterday morning had well and truly ran out and crashed down around you, the lightness you'd felt in your chest changing rapidly to a sinking feeling in your gut.

But he'd kissed you. He'd wanted to take your dress off, he'd admitted that, he'd wanted to fuck you. He'd arranged and taken you to this beautiful cabin, called you Mrs Weasley nearly everyone he'd addressed you- that didn't sound like you'd constructed this fantasy entirely in your own head.

Realising that you'd spent way too look brooding in the shower, you rinsed off and turned off the shower, stepping out into a big fluffy towel.

Silently you vowed to yourself that you'd have to talk to him, confront him even on what was happening, as much as you didn't want to. You vowed to yourself that there would be no more intimacy until you knew exact what you were to him.

You dressed quickly and ran the brush through your hair, using your wand to quickly cast a drying spell, a little one off that wouldn't break your agreement to limit magic whilst you were away. When you stepped out, George was reading on the couch in silence, his mug steaming in front of him and the second mug beside his on a matching coaster, waiting for you.

He smiles when you take a seat beside him, finishing up his chapter before he kisses your head, mumbling about taking a shower.

For the rest of the day you fill your time unpacking, reading and then going on a long walk that George had suggested, along one of the many trails through the woodland. If George noticed that you'd been slightly distant, he'd not mentioned anything. Even when you walked ahead or slightly behind, keeping physical distance between you so that he couldn't take your hand, he'd said nothing.

You grabbed lunch at a pub you'd stumbled across on your walk and though you'd conversed as normal, inside you felt that something was missing, feeling wrong all of a sudden, the narrative in your head completely destroying the magic of what had been.

When you returned to the cabin in the early evening, the sun was just setting and the sky was a beautiful mosaic of pink and orange marbled together peeking from behind the tall canopy of trees. George steps behind you and for the first time since this morning, he places his hands on your shoulder lovingly and whispers in your ear.

"I don't know about you Angel, but I think it's time we tested out the hot tub."

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#emeritusemeritus #emeritusemerituswrites #harry potter #George Weasley x reader #George Weasley x you #George Weasley smut #George Weasley fluff #no good deeds

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