#also for my little thing for yall to find: try to figure out the significance of the red necklace jensens wearing (its not just to match) | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

delicrieux · 3 years

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☆ﾐ 𝚖𝚊𝚔𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚜𝚊𝚢 “𝚘𝚑”

PART 10: BIG DICK IS BACK IN TOWN

y/n is back in brooklyn for the holidays. thinking that a stream will make her feel less homesick for cali, she starts working on her famously titled hentai.free.srv. what was supposed to be a relaxing stream turns into a special delivery about two hours in.

─── corpse husband x reader ─── soc. media + written fiction! ─── word count: 2.2k ─── ❥ req: Here's one... You know those apps for delivery like Domino's or whatnot... What if reader is streaming Among Us with Corpse, and reader mentions they're hungry and Corpse offers to order them food, and readers like no no it's fine... Then there's delivery at the door (Corpse ordered beforehand)

author’s note: fucky format is also back in town baby!!! also if you find any mistakes - no u didnt <3 thank u everyone for enjoying this story sm i literally cant believe how feral yall going strawberry cow was a nuclear explosion im still recovering tbh. got an ask a while ago and decided to incorporate it into myso. happy holidays everyone! myso will continue on monday!

ultimate masterlist. ҉ myso masterlist ҉ previous. ҉ next.

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Indeed, being soft on any social media platform was the biggest disgrace and needed to be eliminated post haste. Moreover, it was a slippery slope - once you start flooding your timeline with cute imagery and heart emojis, what will stop you from posting inspirational Facebook quotes? Disgusting. If Rae were here, she would chide you (not you thinking about her as if she’s dead or something). For once in your life, you feel like you deserve it.

Alas, you hope this little chaos you’ve caused is enough to throw everyone off. The stans, especially. You know the hashtags, you’ve seen ARMY scourging for info online with the same fervor and ruthlessness 1 Direction fans hacked airport security cameras just to spy on the boys. If you had any dirty secrets online, they are out to the public now - thankfully, besides the Harry Styles stan account (with edits and all), you have nothing. Though, now that you think about it, exposed nudes would have been better than your Punk!Harry edit receiving almost a million views. God, your life’s a fucking mess.

Your fans aren’t the only ones out for info - you, too, are trying to decipher Rae’s message. Code: Barbecue Sauce. The two of you had come up with it roughly two years ago, around the same time when you promised that if you didn’t find significant others by the time you’re 40, you’ll just marry each other. It was one of the many rules found in your friendship codex. Barbecue Sauce signifies information - an exchange of information. And depending on how it ends or begins (”So I’m sitting there” alludes to Rae, “On my titties” alludes to you), secret data on that person is given away, usually free of charge.

But why? And to whom did Rae give away what? You had pestered her mercilessly and even sent some voice messages where you were crying. You were only crying because of a video of a grandpa smiling you saw on TikTok, but you are a snake, and so you put those tears to good use. If streaming doesn’t work out, you’ll just become an actress. Hollywood would love you. Your PR firm sure as fuck wouldn’t, though.

Rae was having none of it. She said you’ll figure it out eventually. Told you to channel your superior puzzle skills. You were quick to remind her that you can barely count to ten without having an aneurysm. Oddly serious, she admitted that she worries for you sometimes. Why only sometimes?! you demanded. She merely sighed. uttering under her breath something that sounded closely to “Boke.”

You leave her for barely a week and she’s already neck deep in the gay volleyball anime, hoodie and cardboard cutout and everything. Your life is falling apart.

But Brooklyn is nice. It had snowed when you stepped off of the plane. Thousands of snowflakes sprinkling into your hair, dotting your cheeks and nose. You missed this sight back in Cali. You missed your parents, too.

Home cooked meals, old sweaters, your old room and about 40GB worth of old high school pictures on your computer. You went through them all one night. Some were stomach churning, cringe inducing nightmares. You were especially fond of those. Texted some of your friends that were still in Brooklyn, met up, decided to bake. Bad idea, Rae was the resident chef back in Cali. Besides laughing till your stomach hurt, and almost burning down your kitchen, nothing all that significant happened. Somewhere down the line, at about 3 am, half-way through a cheesy rom-com you had the overwhelming urge to text Corpse.

That’s where the problems really started. God, you missed California, missed being in the same timezone with a guy you hadn’t even met yet, how embarrassing is that?! You missed skating around and taking pictures of the beach in the setting sun, sending it to him, silently wishing he was with you to admire the view.

You really want to call him. And to hang out with him. But for some reason, the thought of that springs up immediate anxiety and you shy away from asking. Him sending you cute good morning texts doesn’t help, either. Maybe it’s better he doesn’t know that you’re a blushing, stuttering mess each time you read “baby”.

Late evening. Your stream is already set up, people are slowly trickling in and you greet them with a grin and a soft “Hello! Hi hi!”. You did your best to make your room a perfectly chaotic backdrop - led lights, an embarrassing amount of anime merch and plushies. You always try to balance out your weeb side by dressing hot as fuck for your streams - today’s inspiration just so happens to be egirls. Mostly because you watched one too many egirl make-up tutorials on TikTok, and also because you’ve been listening to Corpse’s song all day.

Yeah, no, who are you kidding, you dressed up this way because you were hoping Corpse was watching your stream. You didn’t forget your cat headphones, either. You know he likes them. You want to make him suffer. Perhaps then, finally, he will ask you out, so you wouldn’t have to.

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“I feel like,” You start when you put away your phone, staring idly at the chat, “I feel like I need a new name for you guys. Calling you guys after two years of streaming is just... weird, no? I also don’t respect men so I don’t want to call you guys. Like, so many creator’s have, like, a name for their fans. Uhm, Cody Ko has the chodesters, Kurtis Conner has, uh, folks? Kurtis Town? Citizens! Markiplier has mommy issues--” You can’t help snorting, “So, I’ve been, like, thinking - I know, shocking! - so I was thinking I’m gonna name you cockroaches. Because you’re grimy little shits impossible to kill. And also then I can use the legendary Minaj meme ROACHES!”

Your stream enthusiastically echoes ROACHES, making the chat swim. Yes, if anyone would enjoy such a name, it would be your audience. You’re as equally proud as you are disturbed.

“Well, anyway.” Leaning back into your chair, you throw your arms out with a bright grin, “Big dick is back in town, baby! If you noticed the backdrops different, it’s cuz I’m in Brooklyn now. Don’t ask me when I will return to Always Sunny, I don’t plan that far ahead.”

While Minecraft boots up, you decide to answer a few questions.

r u dating sykkuno?

You want to smack your head into the keyboard, but as it is, you can’t exactly afford a new one, so you refrain, “No, Sykkuno and I are not dating, we are just good friends. Uhm, I’m not sure how much I’ll have to repeat this, but, we really aren’t, so if the roaches could chill - Oh my God, that sounds so stupid, I love it - uh, yeah, if the roaches could chill that’d be great.”

the roaches lmao sounds like we’re a sports team

“Oh shit, yeah it does, uh-- maybe I can make like, jerseys or something. That’d be cool, I think.”

how disappointed are your parents with the way your life turned out?

“My parents are actually not disappointed at all!” You say with a cute little smile, “Uhm, they’re both really proud, actually. They’re glad I found something I love doing and made a job outta it. Dad finds my Youtube videos endearing. Yes, they watch pretty much all of my videos, unless I explicitly tell them not to. And yeah, with all the fucks and thirsting for anime characters. Uhm, it was very embarrassing at first, but I mean, after a while, shame just...doesn’t exist anymore, I guess? Funny thing about my parents, actually, when they watch my videos-” You eye catches a comment, “Oh! No, they only watch my Youtube videos. They don’t know how to use Twitter, thank God. Uhm, anyway-- when they hear a name they don’t know, like, I dunno, Dabi, or something, they google--” You’re grinning by now, eyes crinkling, giggling softly, “--who that is, and buy me like, merch and stuff. It’s really cute.

can i be adopted by ur parents plz

will you and corpse ever collab?!

You were about to answer, though the man of the hour himself decides to do it for you.

Corpse_Husband: yes.

Okay, not to say your heart skipped a beat, but it totally did. With a pleased smile, you nod, like one of those bobble head toys sold at the dollar store. The motion is oddly reminiscent of Sykkuno’s own nod. Perhaps you had picked it up from him. The chat seems to notice.

pack it up, sykkuno

More questions pile about this mysterious collab you and Corpse are planning. Yeah, you’d like to hear more about it, too, since he single highhandedly decided one was happening right now. Corpse remains silent. Fine, keep your secrets.

“Okay, guys, oh, I mean, roaches, Oh my God--” You’re covering your mouth, giggling, “-calling all roaches, calling all roaches, calm down. Everyone grab a snack and a blanket I’m turning up the music volume so we can all chill. Entering chill zone. Entering chill zone. Roaches, prepare.”

we are prepared

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An hour or so passes and you grow hungry. It shows with the amount of cakes you had baked in your server. Currently, you find yourself throwing eggs at the wall of one of the renovated houses, your face scrunched in concentration and slight frustration. 24 of the 50 eggs have been wasted. “What’s a girl gotta do to get some chicks around here?” you had uttered under your breath, until, finally, a screech - the egg finally spawns a mob. Your mouth falls open, “Aww, look!” You approach it, so small, walking in zigzags beside you, “It’s a baby chicken! Die, bitch.” The baby chicken is no more as you swing your bedazzled (you have mods) diamond sword. You’re cackling by the time the dust settles.

y/n is a child murderer

“Roaches,” You address your fan-base, spurring another fit of laughter - you can’t get over the name, “I think I’m like, forgetting that eating in Minecraft won’t actually make less hungry in real life.”

take a break and go eat queen <3

“Fuck no, we starve and die like men. Now I actually really need another chicken.”

Another twenty minutes trickle by and you’re trying to lure back a panda from the jungle when there’s a knock on your bedroom’s door. Whipping your head to the side, you slide down your headphones. At the same time, your mom pokes her head through the ajar door, “MOM!” You scream, “Get OUT of my room I’m playing Minecraft!” But your yell has no actual bite to it, as you don’t manage to hide your smile. Your mom laughs, doing some sort of sign language and motioning for you to follow her with her head. That or it’s some sort of performative dance.

“I’m live right now,” You tell her, pointing at your screen. She knows this already, though, “do you want to say hi?”

The roaches spam the chat with friendly hellos. You mom, quite impatient now, waves you over.

“Sorry, roaches, mom needs something. Be back in a bit!”

Stopping the stream, you rush out of your seat and pleased she slinks into the hallway. “What’s this about?”

“Your pizza came.”

“My what now?” You echo, confused.

“Domino’s. You ordered pizza?”

“What? No? I was busy with the stream, I never--”

Thankfully, you had managed to grab your phone from your room before you exited. You almost choke on spit once you read the messages.

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You decide that it’ll be impossible to stream after experiencing what you had just experienced. You tweet out a quick apology to the roaches (God, that fucking name) and say that you had a breakdown but you’re okay. That is as a close to the truth as you managed to muster. It’s a sad sight, chewing and crying; your mom winced when she saw your state - disheveled hair and rundown eyeliner and everything. “D’aww,” She had muttered, caressing the top of your head, “don’t cry my little raccoon.”

If anyone was ever to ask you where did your chaotic nature come from, you’d answer with my mom. To make yourself feel better, you took a selfie - duck face and peace sign and the horrible 2000′s angle. Sent it to Rae.

looking hot, her message read.

thanks, was all you replied with.

You couldn’t just leave things as they were. Once you calmed down, you wanted to text Corpse, but how would you follow up the ungodly caps lock and screeching? Impossible. An idea sprung to mind, one that was brave. Taking the first step.

Instead of sending a text, you sent a voice memo.

“Thank you for the pizza, it was delicious.”

You voice still sounded a bit raspy. His reply was instant. Your heart skipped a beat. He sent a voice memo back.

“Glad you liked it, baby.”

He was going to be the death of you.

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tags (in italics is those i couldn’t tag! make sure all’s ok w your settings!) : @littlebabysandboxburritos - @fairywriter-oracle - @tsukishimawh0re - @ofstarsanddreams - @bbecc-a - @annshit - @leahh19 - @letsloveimagines - @bellomi-clarke - @wineandionysus - @guiltydols - @onephootinfrontoftheother - @liamakorn - @thirstyfangirl - @lilysdaydreams - @pan-ini - @mxqicshxp - @tanchosanke - @yoshinorecommends - @flightsandfantasy - @liljennyx3 - @slashersdream - @unknown-and-invisible - @sinister-sleep - @fivedicksinatrenchcoat - @mercury–moon - @peterparkerspjsuit - @unstableye - @simonsbluee - @shinyshimaagain - @ppopty - @siriuslystupid - @crapimahuman - @ofthedewthesunlight - @mythicalamphitrite - @artsyally - @corpsesimpp - @corpsewhitetee - @corpse-husbandsimp - @hyp-oh-critical - @roses-and-grasses - @rhyrhy462 - @sparklylandflaplawyer - @charbkgo - @airwaveee - @creativedogs - @kaitlyn2907 - @loxbbg - @afuckingunicornn - @fleurmoon - @yeolliedokai - @truly-dionysus - @multi-fandom-central707

more tags are in the comments bcs tumblr only allows me to tag 50 people max 💙

#corpse husband #corpse #corpse husband x reader #corpse x reader #corpse husband imagine #corpse social media au #corpse husband fanfic #social media au #corpse husband x y/n #corpse x y/n #corpse husband fic #reader #xreader #imagine #imagines #myso #make you say oh

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poptod · 3 years

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In the Heart of Atlas (Rami Malek x Reader)

Description: He doesn’t fear you––who thought such a simple thing would win your affections?

Notes: this is my first time writing for Rami himself! anyway, this is for the rami week. happy birthday rami!!! this is a bit of a strange story but i hope yall like it anyway. WC: 5.6k

His body twitched slightly before his eyes opened, slow and dry across his grey irises. A deep dehydration had seized his bones, as though his blood was drudging through his veins and muscles, losing water by the second. Still, he sat up, his head a weight upon his shoulders.

To his surprise, he found himself in the middle of an empty parking lot, the highway beside him mostly vacant. He looked around, finding a large but abandoned mall to his right, the lights long shattered and broken. Tension welled in his brow as he tried to piece together just how he got here.

"Most people don't get knocked out after they get ejected from their bodies," said a voice from behind him. He whirled around, scratching his pants on the rough pavement.

"Who are you?" He asked, scanning you.

For the most part, you looked normal. The only thing that stuck out was the massive katana strapped to your back and the darkness swarming around your eyes. He could barely see your face beneath the hood of your black sweatshirt, but that didn't matter all too much to him––there were more pressing, more important questions that required answers.

"Demons and angels call me (Y/N), but people call me the Reaper," you said as you offered him your hand.

He gingerly raised his hand to accept your help, faltering when your sleeve pulled back to reveal prominent bones and veins in the back of your hand. The bones poked out of the skin, glowing a faint white, while your veins remained a simple shade darker than your skin. Looking back up to you, he found no malice in what little expression he could see. With that he accepted your aid, pulling himself to his feet.

"The Reaper?"

"I go by a good many names. In the north alone I am called Gwyn ap Nudd, Cù Sith, the banshee, the Ankou, and more simply... death. Most of the time I have others collect souls, but.. you're an interesting case."

You reached forward, and though he instinctively flinched back, he soon regained control of himself and allowed you to cup his cheek. Even with that allowance, however, there was a decent amount of discomfort within him.

"I'm dead?"

"Not quite yet. That's where the interesting part comes in. Come––let's find a place away from the sun," you said, drifting past him and heading towards the abandoned mall.

Looking upwards, he found a blistering sun. He hadn't felt the heat, and looking back at the black pavement, he realized he hadn't felt that astonishing heat because he was, as you said, dead. No longer in his body. With that realization, he jogged back over to walk at your side.

"I'm a little confused, here. How did I die?" He asked.

"Again, not dead yet. Just out of your body. It's quite interesting, really," you said, opening the creaking door.

He entered gingerly, turning and waiting for you before wandering in any further. When he turned back to scan the building, he found instead a drawing room with a Victorian rug spread out across a hardwood floor, and red velvet couches filled to the brim with pillows and blankets. Paintings from all cultures covered the walls, nailed into place alongside maps of different eras. He hardly noticed his gaping mouth till you passed by and closed his jaw.

"Well... what happened to me?"

"Take a seat, Malek. I need to ask you some questions," you deflected, herding him to sit on one of the chaise lounges.

A clipboard materialized in your hands, a pen following as you sat down opposite of him.

"Now, what's your name?"

"You just said my name."

"And?" You said, quirking your brow.

He let out an exasperated sigh before answering with, "Rami Malek."

"What do you spend most of your time doing?"

"Work, mostly. I'm an actor."

"I'm aware. Most of your alternate reality personas look exactly like you. That usually only happens with actors," you said, scribbling down words with a harsh pressure on your pen. "You are given one million dollars. What do you do with it?"

"Um... I'd put it into my savings, let it collect interest until I die, and then donate it," he said after a moment's contemplation.

"Calculated. Nice. Significant others?"

"Not right now."

"Family members?"

"I've got a twin brother and an older sister. And my parents, of course."

"Are you religious?"

"Yes, sort of. My parents raised me Coptic Orthodox but I don't really interact with it much in my life."

"Is there a heaven and a hell?"

"Shouldn't I be asking you that?" He asked.

"Answer the question, Malek."

"I don't think there's a heaven or hell."

"Good choice. Alright," you said, straightening your back after hunching over your clipboard. In a quick flash both the clipboard and pen were gone, and you were back on your feet. "Do you have any questions for me before we try to fix this dilemma?"

"Yes, lots," he chuckled humorlessly, watching you circle over to a liquor cabinet. "How did I die? Or – how did I get 'ejected' from my body?"

"Remember the movie you were just working on?"

"Yeah, James Bond."

"You tried to do your own stunts since your double was missing. You missed the catching net, landed on the ground, and your essence was accidentally absorbed by the earth. The earth decided you would be safer here––in Thailand."

"Thailand?? I have to finish filming. I can't be in Thailand," he said, jumping to his feet.

"Calm down, pretty boy. I'll take you to your body in due time, and from there we can decide how to move next. This is a rare opportunity for you," you said as you poured two glasses of sherry. "People don't usually get to see me. If they do, it's pretty much assured they won't interact with me. You're very lucky. I could also just reap you and get rid of the problem, but you're not supposed to die. Not yet."

"What, do I have something to do on earth yet?"

"Yes," you said, handing him the glass in your left hand. You sat back down, sipping from your own cup.

"Then what happens if people accidentally die?"

"The world goes on. We correct our calculations and figure out the fate of the earth again. It happens very rarely, thank everything. Our I.T. would be in hell if it happened a lot."

"What affect do I have on the world?"

"I'm not really allowed to tell you that," you said, eyeing him.

"Oh, sorry."

"I'm just kidding. I rule this universe. You're going to have a fan at one point who is very suicidal. They meet you on the street, get the will to live again, and their daughter will write a mystery novel that both furthers space-travel technology and surgical technology. Happy?" You took another sip from your cup.

"... I guess."

It was certainly, if anything, an interesting time to find out your entire existence was being protected by the embodiment of death just so a woman you didn't know could further technology just slightly. He didn't feel fantastic about it.

"It's not your only purpose, if you're worried about that," you said, noticing his fallen expression. "You inspire a lot of art and a lot of stories. Everything you do and inspire adds to the color of the world. Humans are one big organism and they can't seem to see that––I hope you, and others, will realize that soon."

"I hope we do as well," he said with a sigh, leaning back into the velvet. "I'm quite sick of people getting angry at each other all the time for useless shit."

"Yes, well..." you swirled the mixture in your cup, "the human condition, and all that."

"Were you ever once human?" He asked quietly.

"No. I am not truly a being. I am what you imagine me to be, a mirage of what you expect from death," you said in a low voice. "I will be here to kill God, and in the end of time I will be all that remains. The representation of all that ever existed, and its' inevitable demise."

"... comforting."

"Isn't it?" You said with a sardonic smile. "Are you ready to see your body yet?"

"I think so," he said. "What kinda state am I in?"

"I don't know. The state of destruction your physical form is in will dictate whether or not I can return you to yourself or take you into the unknown."

"Okay," he said, taking a deep breath in hopes of calming himself. "Take me to myself."

"Very well," you said as you stood, setting your cup aside and offering him your hand once more. He took it and rose to his feet.

In a single blink, and without warning, he was in a hospital––an American one, or at least one where the signs were all in English, and the nurses were speaking that same language. Fluorescent white light filled the room, mixed with the dreary daylight of a bright but cloudy day. The shades were open to the city outside, but what first caught his eye was the centerpiece of the room––him.

Gauze, linen, and casts covered more than half his body, cradling his leg, chest, head, and both arms. His eyes remained blissfully shut, not even fluttering from the bruises and cleaned scars circling his face.

"You look good," you said, unable to tear your eyes away from the body.

"Wow, thanks," he said sarcastically.

"I'm serious. You fell, like, 35 feet. Not a lot of people survive that, much less still have one of their legs."

"So does that mean I can go back to living?" He asked, sudden excitement filling his words.

"I suppose so. You've been out for a while, though, so be careful when you get back in. Listen to your doctors. Keep safe, and let professionals do stunts," you said.

He chuckled, turning to you before saying, "I thought Death would want me to die, not live."

"It doesn't matter. I will reap all. For now I can let society grow, let lives multiply to greater heights, as in the end you will all join my kingdom. I'm old as the universe. I can wait."

"Your kingdom?"

"Me. I carry the souls of the dead in my memory. They all live within me."

"And that's what happens when we die?"

"When you die, you become one with the universe. I become part of you just as much as you become part of me. Is that a comfort to you?"

"... yes, actually," he said softly, looking back to his body. "I think I'm ready to go back to living now."

"Very well, Malek. Take my hand," you said as you offered your see-through hand.

The moment he touched you, he noticed that he, too, became see through, and he wondered if that had always been happening and he simply hadn't noticed it. He had little time to think about it before you were leading him forward, taking him to the side of his hospital bed. From there you helped him into the bed, lining his soul up with his physical body, and telling him in a soft murmur to close his eyes.

The very next moment he remembered was opening his eyes to blistering hospital lights shining down on him. His memory of you was vague and blurred, but nonetheless present in a way that tested his image of the world, questioning if he was truly living his life.

Doctors, nurses, and friends rushed to his side once they noticed his consciousness, hurriedly asking questions and preparing tests on him. His bruised eye was swollen shut, but the other one could see alright, and it was a blessing to be able to see his mother above him. It took a good deal of time, but he returned to health and was luckily not disabled by the fall.

Years later the incident came to him in a dream, in a perfect clarity that he hadn't ever had as a waking person. He bolted awake, heavy breaths emphasizing the thin sheen of sweat that now covered his chest. You had explained to him the way the world worked––his purpose in life, the inevitability of humans and of the universe, and the beauty in that. The happy ending in that unavoidable death.

Never in any other time had he desired to see you again more than he did at that moment, stuck awake in the middle of a night plagued by rain and thunder. Wide eyes stared straight ahead, to the twisted sheets covering him, to the closet on the other side of his bedroom.

Shaken to his core, he slowly moved to his feet, the cold floor shocking him awake further. As he walked towards the kitchen, he attempted at calming himself with slow breaths. Once there he grabbed a glass of water, chugging the entire glass, and slamming it back down on the counter as though he'd done a shot, which it might as well have been this late at night.

Would it be possible to summon death? he thought hypothetically, before realizing the incredible stupidity of that statement. Who would want to summon death? Also, summoning death would probably involve putting himself in a dangerous situation, which you had specifically advised him against.

"Jesus Christ," he muttered to himself, leaning against the counter as he rubbed his face.

"His name is Yeshua, and he can't help you right now."

He jumped, spinning around in his kitchen to find you sitting on the counter across from him.

"Death!"

"People aren't usually that excited to see me, but yes," you said, looking down to scan your fingernails before looking back up at him with a smile.

"How did you know I was thinking about you?"

"You had one of my true forms in your thoughts. I remembered you from a little bit ago. How long has it been again?"

"11... maybe 12 years? I haven't thought all that much about the incident, but... I had a dream tonight. I remembered –"

"I know. You're not supposed to remember me while you're still living, so I had to come back and fix that," you said, jumping off the counter and approaching him with determined resolve.

"Wait, no!" He tried to back up, but he was already pressed against the kitchen island.

"We will meet again, quite shortly, you'll see," you said with a smile, a weak attempt to calm him as you raised your hand to his forehead.

"I don't want to forget you," he pleaded, fingers dug into his palm.

"That's awfully unfair to all the other people whose memory I had to fix. Makes their sacrifice a little silly if I allow you to go and tell the world how it'll all end just because you're pretty."

"I won't tell anyone. They'll think I'm crazy."

"You're a celebrity. Someone is going to believe you."

You pressed your thumb to his forehead, and in that moment he lost all control, leading him to make the first action he could think of, the one thing that might deter your work. He grabbed you by your sweatshirt, balling the material in his fists and pulling you till your chests met. With that he smashed his lips into yours, feeling your hand slip away as you weakened, shocked into stillness.

He wasn't quite sure whether you were actually enjoying yourself or if you were just shellshocked, but he continued to kiss and move against you for a moment before releasing you. When he let go of you and drew away, he watched your unmoving expression, staring at him with parted lips and wide eyes.

"What the fuck was that?"

"... a kiss?" He answered meekly.

"What does it do?"

"You don't know what a kiss is?"

"Malek, I have two trillion different planets that I reap from, all with multiple different societies and beliefs. I'm not going to memorize each of your customs."

"Oh," he said. He would have to devote some time, later on, to let the fact that there were aliens (and a lot of them) truly sink in. "It's a show of affection. It's kind of personal."

"So it is a gift," you said with deep concentration.

"Yeah, I guess you could say that."

"What for?"

"I like you. You're knowledgeable, and kind, and... I think you're pretty," he admitted, almost sheepishly in his low, rough voice.

Flirting with what could essentially be labelled as an eldritch monstrosity was a tad difficult, especially since you were millions of years older than him. From that point of view, he felt more like a child speaking with you, admitting to some silly, meaningless crush.

"You think I'm pretty?" You asked, your voice high pitched and coming out in almost a squeak. He nearly gawked at your reaction.

"Of course I do. Do people not tell you that?"

"I don't really talk to consciousnesses much, Malek. And most people don't find my bipedal form very nice to look at," you said quietly, looking down to the floor with fidgeting fingers.

He reached forward, pulling off your sweatshirt's hood, and allowing the warm light of his kitchen to finally show him the whole of your face. The skin around your eyes still retained that mystical darkness, like the ink of space, surrounding the cosmos of your eyes. It was quite clear now that you were not human, which explained the reasoning of hiding the whole of your whole form. 'Bi-pedal,' you called it––you had to fit in with alien worlds as well as his human world, and thus hiding many parts of yourself was required.

Now he would be the first person, the first creature, the first consciousness, the first life, to see your entirety. No one else had thought to flirt with death, but apparently that was how to avoid it. Ironic, considering the earth phrase 'flirting with death'.

You had gone into such a fluster by his words and actions that you stuttered out instructions for him to stay safe, and promptly disappeared in a cloud of smoke. He wouldn't see you again for three years, which saddened him greatly, but he made sure to remind himself that ten years for him was the blink of an eye for you. 2 trillion planets with life on them needed your attention.

In 3 years he found himself victim of yet another incident. He had been sitting in a donut shop for a little while, enjoying himself on his phone, before another customer entered and began to make a fuss. The man started yelling and he rose to the occasion, stepping over and attempting to take some of the stress off the poor teenager working on the till. Before he knew what was happening, he had a gun in his face, staring down a dark barrel of metal.

"You move and I'll slit your fucking throat," you said, appearing in a flash with your katana pressed against the stranger's throat. "Your gun's on safety mode. It'll take more than one move for you to kill this guy. Want to take that chance?"

The man faltered, and with that you nodded to the cashier, who quickly dialed up the police.

"Put it down, Michael," you said. The man, apparently Michael, slowly looked to you with wide, horrified eyes.

Rami could almost laugh at the incident, but his heart was far too full of fearful adrenaline for him to smile, much less laugh. It all happened so fast. The little bout was won the moment Michael met your eyes. He set the gun on the floor, turning to you with contempt and raised hands.

You waited until the police arrived for the sake of the cashier, but before anyone could question you, you were off again with Rami on your tail. Disappearing in a puff in front of mortals would do you no well, thus you had to start off with walking––something he could certainly follow. 3 years since he'd last seen you––grey had pervaded his hair more and more, skin more freckled and imperfect. You remained as you always were, even 15 years ago.

"Met anyone interesting lately?" He asked when he caught up with you.

Ideas of what creatures you were meeting, the types of things you got yourself into had been a decent source of inspiration for his daydreams. Such was his interest in what you wouldn't tell him that he wrote a screenplay, directed it, and shown it to the world. People often commented on the creativity of his imagination, but he always believed you to be the true source of actual creativity.

Of course, he hadn't ever actually heard about anything that you did. It was purely what he hypothesized.

"I met creatures that reproduced by stringing together DNA by hand. They are new consciousnesses in the cosmos, only recently earned souls... or what you would call, self-awareness," you said, staring ahead to the empty streets lined with cars.

"That's what gives something a soul? Self-awareness?"

"Not quite that simple, but for the most part, yes."

"How long ago did humans earn souls, then?"

"Longer back than you'd imagine. Remember, it's represented as more than self-awareness. It's societies, too, and ants have societies. I can't quite remember, but it was back when you were living in the trees," you said, taking moments to pause and correctly recall the facts.

He continued to walk alongside you for a moment more, pondering upon that information.

"Anyway. That's enough questions from you. What the hell were you doing?!" You said once you were out of sight from the cops, balling his shirt in your fists and forcing him up against a wall. Rami spluttered.

"What the hell were you doing? Aren't you not supposed to interfere with that kind of shit?" He asked, rattled from the sudden movement, and feeling bruises already building in his back. His skin and muscles had become more prone to injury over the years.

"I can do whatever I want. I don't have to worry about losing my mortal body. You're still tethered to this plane!"

"Who cares if I die? Everyone has to at some point, and helping others seems like a good way to die," he said, trying to ignore the aching in his body.

"Don't you have a wife? Kids? Family or friends? You're really ready to leave that all behind at the drop of a hat?" You scanned him.

"I was helping others," he hissed. "And I don't have a wife. Or kids. I've had more important things on my mind."

You watched him for a little while, trying to gauge his thoughts from his eyes. Eventually you released him, letting him drop to the ground, and watching carefully as he brushed off his clothes.

"Why do you want me alive now if I'm going to die soon anyway?"

"You're not going to die soon –"

"Relative to your sense of time, I'm going to die very soon," he interrupted, satisfied when you had no rebuttal. "Why do this? It's not even helping me. I know I won't really disappear when I die."

"Yes, you will. Gods, I shouldn't have told you about anything," you sighed, rubbing your face tiredly. "You misunderstand the concept of death. You, as you are, will not survive. You will disappear. I will carry your memories, but I will not be you. You will not be inside me, your memories will. I'm like a library, not some sort of vacation resort. Are you getting this?"

The blank look on his face told you everything you needed to know.

"There is no heaven or hell and I am not a substitute for their nonexistence! When you die, that's it. You're gone. Forever."

"I became a soul on earth. What about that?"

"Because you weren't fully dead, just separated from your body, like astral projecting. You either return to your body or you really die within a year. And if you try to astral project for that long, even if you do return to your body, you'll lose more and more control of it because you can't remember what it's like to have a physical form. It’s complicated, just – just stop getting in dangerous situations!" You practically yelled, clasping his head in your hands and talking quite loudly right in his face.

"There are a lot of technicalities to death," he said, putting his hands over yours and gently leading them down.

"There are a lot of technicalities to life. Why would I be any different?"

"I know, I just – I guess I don't know. Death, I... is it.. you're the only... consciousness I've ever.. loved," he admitted with a broken voice, unsure of his every word.

Your eyes widened, and you almost stumbled backwards with your own surprise. He kept you from doing so by keeping his grip on your hands.

"You want to know if you can stay with me," you said in an instant, soft realization.

He nodded.

"I don't understand," you murmured, suddenly shy. "I've tried to erase your memory so many times. Why do I keep failing?"

"You said none of your other victims ever spoke with you. I remember you because you're unforgettable, Death. I couldn't let go of you."

No one had ever thought of wooing you. You'd met creatures who tried to seduce you, yes, or to pay you off, but never romantically seek after. This would be the first time in your 14 billion years of being alive that someone did this––spoke sweet words and used your name without fear. Without shame. As though you were something to be honored.

Living things fought you so valiantly, and you loved them for that. Their desire to stay alive, to continue existing even when existing was more painful than simply facing you, to thrive in environments you yourself would've given up in. People were terrified of you. They hated you. Rightfully so––you were an easy scapegoat, something to pin blame on, like the actions of Kings weren't what actually killed them, but were the fault of the one who had to clean up the mess of souls left in an army's wake.

People also romanticized you. Thought of you as something to beat. Something to find beauty in, bliss in that nonexistence. People who hated being alive, who found their worlds too dull, or their minds too plagued with thoughts they couldn't help. It was not a true love––it was a desire to escape what they believed to be an inescapable life.

But people did not honor you. You were not a thing to give gifts to. You were not some sort of god of death––you were death. The essence of it. The misery and grief left in the wake of a taken friend.

Tears welled in your eyes, burning a bright white that trailed down your face like melted silver. The streaks were clear against the shadowed skin of your eyes. Instantly Rami thought he had done something wrong, said something to upset you, but he had no chance to apologize before you disappeared in a puff of smoke. In your wake you had left two tiny little puddles of silver teardrops on the pavement, reflecting sunlight like a mirror.

Years later, when he died, he expected to see you. He crawled out of his body, leaving behind the prolonged ringing of the heart monitor, and drifting away from his family. Long had he expected this, awaited this almost eagerly. But when he died, he was met by a man named Jynq, who went on a long spiel about death and the true meaning of the universe.

"Where is Death?" He asked once Jynq gave him a moment to speak.

"I am Death," he said with a confused frown.

"No, you're one of it's workers. I want to see the real Death," Rami stated firmly.

Jynq's expression fell into seriousness, the polite exterior of a worker making way for his true personality.

"It's on the other side of the universe right now. Several planets have been having a war for a while now, and the deathcount has kept them there for many years now," Jynq answered truthfully.

"Can you take me to them?"

"How do you remember Death?" He rebutted instead.

"They spoke to me. On several occassions. They tried to wipe my memory but it didn't work," he explained.

"You spoke to Death on several occasions?" Jynq asked, his mouth falling open.

"... yes?"

"Alright. I'll take you to it, but the journey will take a while. I hope your soul is resilient," the reaper said.

"Doesn't it take a year for a soul outside the body to die out?"

"Hm. You really did talk to it. But yes," he offered his hand, which Rami took, and they began to ascend towards the heavens, "it takes a year for the average soul to die. This journey will take several years. Are you ready for that kind of commitment?"

"Yes."

There was no spaceship in which to find a home, nor any set spot for rest or food. Neither he nor Jynq required any food or water, and certainly not any sleep, so the method of travel was a long, straight line towards the edge of the universe, unbreaking and unmoving.

Cosmos passed him by, and he became a part of them, leaving behind parts of his essence in the form of star dust that trailed after him. The further and faster he travelled, the more of himself he left behind, till he became a translucent outline of who he used to be. Jynq remained the same, just as you did. He couldn't calculate just how much time had passed, but as more of it did, he got a sense that he was experiencing time at a much faster rate than he imagined. Still, he remained oblivious to how much time was left in the journey.

At times he would go through solar systems, beside stars with planets that certainly carried life. Worlds made of diamonds, suns bigger than the whole of his home solar system, clusters of stardust reforming into young stars. Each of these worlds was one you had met––one you had left your mark on, no matter how young or old.

Life on earth didn't seem quite real when he reached the warring planets. There was so much going on in the universe––things humans would never know about. Worlds full of people that would never be found.

Jynq stopped Rami on the moon of a green planet, keeping him there while he went to go find you. He took the opportunity to sit, to rest after years of drifting through space, and to wonder which thought of his many collected thoughts he should first tell you.

"How in all the fucking WORLDS alive do you keep managing to endanger yourself, even after you die?!" You screamed, appearing in front of him in a millisecond and grasping his face tight again. "Are you insane or something?! Like clinically insane??"

"You've clearly never met someone who's in love with you," he chuckled, taking your hands and, again, gently pulling them away from their tight clutch on his face.

"Ohh, Malek," you said, anger falling away to the aching sorrow in your tone. "Look at you. You're so thin... does it hurt?"

"I feel weak, but I also feel light. I am okay," he assured you. "I left a trail of myself all across the universe. I've given myself back to the stars. Now I want to give what remains of me to you, but I had to talk to you again. Just once more."

"You speak like you’re old," you said with a weak laugh.

"I am old."

"How old do humans live to be?"

"The oldest was around 120 years, I think."

"Oh. Well, then I guess you're a little old. Not to me though," you said, flipping his sheer hands and taking them in yours.

"I'm old enough that I have accepted my own fate. I'm ready for you, Death," he said, his smile only visible in the bits of glittering stardust that made up the frame of his face.

Your smile fell.

"No," you said.

"... no?"

"No. I'm not going to do it," you stated.

"Can you do that? Like, legally?" He asked, quirking a brow.

"Who's going to stop me? I'm Death."

"Good point."

"I just wish I could heal you," you murmured, reaching up to stroke his cheek only to have your thumb fall through his face.

"I don't mind it," he said softly.

"Hmm," you said, taking a moment to think critically. "I think I know how to help you."

You found him a home in the heart of a star––Atlas, a part of the Pleiades that shone bright beside its' sister, Pleione. The intense pressure was lost on both of you as you entered, making your way to the heart, where the elements of matter and life were formed in overbearing heat. As was the nature of space, the center of Atlas was dead silent, leaving you and Rami in a white, detail-less expanse.

Slowly, over the years, parts of his body returned to him, building off the star-lit frame of his soul. As you suspected, the workers of the dead and afterlife were extremely dissatisfied with you, but could do nothing. You were older than all of them, and you decided you could allow yourself this one indulgence––this one moment of straying from the rules that Gods had so often broken.

They allowed you this one comfort: a home in the heart of Atlas, in the arms of a man who had given himself to the world, and then to the universe. The one Death who had taken so much from the universe, who would eventually take everything in the universe, wrapped in the embrace of the one who had given every part of himself to the world he lived in.

#rami malek x reader #rami malek #rami malek x male reader #rami malek x female reader #rami40

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creativia10 · 3 years

Text

Janus in Wickhills Part 4

Notes: (Continuation of recursive fic of @/tulipscomeinallsortsofcolors 's Love and Other Fairytales series

Previous parts Janus in Wickhills Part 1, Part 2, Part 3)

This is an au of Laoft where Remus came back several years earlier, and Linda isn’t in the picture yet. Also takes place some time after Logan has become the Seelie court rep.

Ch 4

They went back to the house the normal way.

Roman and Mamaw already appeared to be looking through some books on witch magic. They both looked up as the three came back into the house.

“Did you find anything out?” Ro asked.

L and V looked at each other. Then V sort of shrugged.

“Possibly? We found some significant information-“

“But it doesn’t necessarily bring us more insight into this” L said gesturing at Janus.

Janus pursed his lips.

“We’re going to try some other things out to see if we can gather anything else.”

Ro started to get up, “Do you need-“

“No, dear.” L stepped forward and held Ro’s hands.

Just then, a cat hopped up onto the table Ro had been reading at, and gave a loud miffed meow towards Ro. Ro gave the cat a look, but then turned back as L continued.

“You are fine as you are. You are the most qualified here to help us search through magic books. You are being very helpful.”

Ro blushed at that and looked away. He then mumbled, “It’s not like we’re the only witches around here or anything.”

L simply smiled, leaned in and pecked Ro’s cheek. V smiled softly at them.

“Oh, go on like I am not contributing just as much if not more,” Mamaw called out.

L huffed, “I thought the plural ‘you’ was implied!”

Ro snickered. Mamaw was clearly fighting a smile, so L let it go. He squeezed Ro’s hands one more time before turning back to V and Janus.

“Should we wait for our songbird for this?” He asked. “We certainly can’t do everything, as we are fae ourselves.”

V tilted his head, then shook it.

“Not for all of it. He loves working at the bakery, I don’t want to pull him away from it.”

L nodded with a soft smile.

“Very well. Perhaps I should get some of my family members to help then?”

V hmmed.

“If they’re comfortable with it.”

They turned to Janus.

“Is that alright?”

Janus hesitated.

“I guess.”

L stepped towards him.

“Don’t worry, my family members are good people. I don’t think they would do anything unprovoked.”

Janus nodded hesitantly. It’s not like he had a lot of options then anyways. L got his phone out to see if his brother was home. When he got an affirmative, the three of them walked through the woods and into town.

Apparently they did not have a ready car, as they lived in the woods, so they were walking for now. L turned to Janus but paused before speaking. Janus was about to ask him what was up, when V quickly hopped into a shadow thing and came back, holding out Janus’ hat.

“Apparently we forgot your hat by the hammock.”

Janus mouth formed an O, and he sheepishly put his hat back on, trying to angle it like he had the other night at the revel despite knowing that would not be enough. Janus looked around as they walked, trying to see if he would get something from this. He wasn’t sure how to describe what he was seeing. It felt familiar but not. And there was definitely a twinge of magic feeling in the air, as to be expected from a town like Wickhills. Although he wasn’t sure how he knew that.

When they got to L’s family’s house, they waited outside for his brother to come out to greet them.

When Janus saw L’s brother come outside, he was immediately struck with the similar appearances the two had. Yet, there was a lack of the faery features that were prominent on L.

Changeling, his mind supplied, although he wasn’t sure how he knew that.

The brother stood on the steps for a moment staring at Janus. Janus shifted in discomfort.

“Bug. I would like your assistance, as we are met with a situation we are unsure what to do with.”

‘Bug’ looked at Janus then to L.

“Yeah, I am getting that feeling.” He walked over to L.

“He has told us we may call him Jay. He woke up on the forest floor with amnesia.”

“We were hoping you could help us to test if he is fae considering,” L said.

Bug looked confused.

“O…k. Why not have your nonfae husbands help?”

“Roman is looking through witch books with nana to see if they can find more info on what may have happened to Jay, and Patton is at the bakery.”

“We, uh, didn’t want to interrupt him,” V said.

Bug smiled a little and nodded.

“Alright. I’ll get some stuff from inside and I’ll meet you in the back yard.”

He took a step back to the house and then turned to L again.

“Am I hiding that you’re here from mom and dad?” Bug asked a little quieter.

L sighed. “I just did not want to worry them.”

Bug nodded. “Alright.” Then he went back into the house. Janus followed the two fae around the house to the back.

Janus wanted to ask about L and his brother’s relation, but he wasn’t sure if he should.

Then again, he wanted to understand what this test would pertain.

“So…your family is human?” Janus asked.

L gave Janus an unreadable look.

“…yes. I am a changeling. My parents were able to get my brother back from the faery who left me with them, but they refused to give me back.”

Janus tilted his head, having never heard of such a thing.

“How did they manage that?”

“I believe there was a variety of factors. For one, they had armed the house up with faery charms, so she was unable to go inside or really outright do anything to them despite their refusal.”

“Oh wow.”

Janus couldn’t help but wonder what kind of people his parents were to be willing to keep a changeling child like that. He was almost afraid to ask why they chose to, out of fear that would offend him.

“and yet…you represent the seelie court now,” Jay said instead.

After a moment L nodded. Before he could ask more careful questions about that, L’s brother came back out holding some different things.

“Ok, hopefully these will do it. Although this could be difficult, as I am assuming we do not want to cause harm, and most ways to tell if someone is a faery when you’re not fae or a witch, is by wards.”

“Actually, that reminds me. Do you think it would be helpful to have your boyfriend come over? Since you’re trying to figure out what’s going on, and his double sight could be helpful,” L said.

Bug seemed unsure.

V seemed hesitant. “Only if he’s comfortable with it.”

“I get the sense he is still freaked out by this Wickhills magical stuff,” Bug said.

L pondered.

“V, do you know if anyone ever looked at your brother through a hag stone?”

V tilted his head then shook it.

“As far as I know, no. I didn’t let Grettie or her family get anywhere near him.”

“So we don’t know if his appearance from double sight would have a similar affect to seeing V,” L mumbled.

“Um, excuse me-“ Janus waved a hand to get their attention. “I’m confused. What are you talking about here?”

Bug seemed confused, but L adjusted his tie and turned to Janus.

“We discovered that my brother’s boyfriend has something called double sight. Basically, when he wears an iron ring that he has, on a specific hand, he is able to see past magical glamor, and can essentially see the magical auras of fae, witches, and those who were blessed by a fae gift. A hagstone is a special type of rock with a hole in it that has a similar affect if one were to look through it.”

“…okay. And why are you concerned about me being seen through it?”

L sighed.

“Because, my brother’s boyfriend freaked out upon seeing V’s true form with his double sight, and as we don’t know your origin, we do not know what he may see and if it would freak him out similarly.”

Bug then said, “I can at least ask him, and we’ll just have to try and be careful. Maybe it’ll be helpful if we’re aware to help him out the moment anything seems off. He’s trying to get more used to these things, since yall are part of my family. In fact, he might even be glad to feel helpful, as he probably still feels somewhat awkward around you guys.”

V nodded and L shrugged. Bug smiled. “Cool, I’ll ask him, and we can start while we wait.”

“Why do you call him bug anyways?”

They jumped a little at the question and looked at him. Janus immediately felt sheepish. That seemed kind of random given their previous topic of conversation. It’s not like that was something he needed to know. Bug rubbed the back of his neck.

“It’s just kind of a nickname from when I was kid. Like how I call him Berry.”

Janus snorted a little, then composed himself.

“Alright, that’s cute.”

L blushed a little at that. V smiled with some mirth.

“I do believe you may be distracting us though.” L said then. Janus gaped. He wasn’t really doing it on purpose. V narrowed his eyes some, before L patted his hand.

“I am suggesting it’s a nervous thing dear, nothing else.”

V relaxed a little at that. Bug looked between the three of them, seeming unsure.

“How about we go over this first?”

They nodded.

“Jay, do you know anything about fae wards?” Bug asked him. Jay’s eyes widened, having not expected the brother to ask him something directly.

“Um, I am not sure actually. I mean, I must know some things, as I could tell L was a changeling when I saw your similar appearances.”

“Hm.” Bug grabbed one of the things he brought out.

“Uh,” he looked at the other two fae there, “Did you two want to like back up or something?”

Okay, that was a nerve-racking statement.

V scoffed. “I am the lord of the forest. I can likely handle human versions of faery wards.”

L nodded a little, “I will probably be ok. I would not put myself in harm.”

Bug still seemed unsure, but he nodded. He held out a daisy. Janus looked at the daisy, then looked back up at Bug with a raised eyebrow.

“What-“

“Just, come a little closer.”

Janus sighed and rolled his eyes and he walked up to the daisy held out. He squinted and bent towards it. Almost immediately he wrinkled his nose as a sudden itchiness hit him. Bug stepped back just in time to avoid getting sneezed on.

“Okay, so that’s one.” Bug said, throwing the daisy back away from him.

Janus sighed.

“Oh? and that’s a sign of allergies as well, I would think.”

Bug shrugged. “Yeah, that’s why it’s one of the less harmful deterrents. Ah, here’s one that can’t be put off as an allergy.”

He held out a jar of honey.

“Honey is known to cause good neighbors to get drunk.”

“I’m sorry what?” Janus asked in bewilderment. He looked around at the others who nodded.

“I am not sure how you would feel about that, though,” Bug continued.

“Perhaps we should go with a different one?” L asked. Bug nodded.

“Here’s another one that can’t be explained any other way, seeing as I am not a witch. Kids used to torment us with this one,” Bug said and then he proceeded to take his shoes and socks off. Janus looked on with furrowed brows. Bug then turned his socks inside out and started to put them back on. Janus was about to ask what the brother was doing, when in a blink, suddenly the brother was gone. Janus jolted and looked around.

“What…the hell”

L and V shared a knowing look.

“Did-did you see where he went? Wha-how”

Suddenly the brother reappeared, startling Janus again.

“Well, that answers that.”

“…what?”

Bug finished putting his footwear back on.

“Humans turn their clothes inside out to hide from the view of fae.”

“…what?”

“In other words,” L stepped forward, “If he disappeared for you when he turned his socks inside out, that’s a sign that you are, after all, a fae.”

“…why would that even work anyways?”

V half-smiled at that. “Do you really expect us to be able to explain why every magical happenstance with faeries happens?”

Janus paused then shrugged. He…wasn’t sure what to make of this. It made sense, sort of , given what they had already said, with observation. Somehow, it didn’t sound right though. How would he not feel like he was? Maybe he should ask L more about his changeling situation, that was the closest thing he could think of.

“Jay?” L asked.

“Hmm?” Janus looked up. L looked at him with concern.

“Are you alright?”

Janus frowned. He didn’t know how to answer that.

“Hey,”

They looked over to V, who was looking up from a silvery rectangular device he had been leaning over and fluttering his fingers across for some reason.

“I was letting them know what we found. Wren just got off work, so Ro suggested we all meet up at a picnic, by twin cliff falls, like we used to. How would you feel about that?” V asked.

Janus narrowed his eyes. “…a picnic?”

“Yeah. Ro likes to throw together picnics for us, although he doesn’t do that as much since we moved into our house in the woods together. He has also invited Remus. Cricket, would you care to come as well? Your boyfriend can meet with us there.”

Bug smiled at that.

“Sure, that sounds fun. I kind of thought that spot was a place just the four of you liked to go to.”

V shrugged.

“It was, but it’s still a nice spot. I don’t really mind.”

Bug nodded. “Alright, I’ll send him the invite. Do we need to bring anything?”

“I don’t think so, but I can ask. You know, you are in that group chat too.”

“I’m sorry, what?” Janus asked. They looked at him.

“How did he communicate the picnic thing to you?”

V frowned. “Ah, he texted us.” V said, and wiggled the device he was holding. “On the phone.”

“…text? and that does not look like a phone to me.”

They all shared looks.

“Ah, it’s a newer type of phone. And texting is like sending a typed message through it. Here, I’ll show you,” V carefully showed him the flat part of his device, that had blinking words on it. Janus’ face pinched, as he had trouble wrapping his head around this device.

“W-“

“How about we talk more about this when we get there, yeah?” Bug cut in. Janus shrugged. He was just confused though.

“Ok, cool. I’ll go tell mom and dad what we’re doing.”

“And yes, Bug, it’s fine to let them know we’re going there for a picnic.”

Bug nodded before he headed back into the house.

#laoft fic #ts janus #ts logan #ts virgil #ts thomas #sanders side fic

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chikkou · 3 years

Note

Will you talk more about Lisa?? Lisa the character specifically but also your feelings on his feelings about Buddy? I just thought your analysis was so good and I want to hear other thoughts you have on her.

yall are honestly spoiling me rn sdhkfdjfks this is like a dream come true

i already got into the stuff with buddy in this ask here but i have a LOT to say about lisa and the connection between her and buddy so u better settle in!

ok so firstly ill start with lisa. i played the original lisa game (lisa the first) not long after it first dropped in 2012, and im not even kidding when i said it changed me LMAO.... seeing a story about a girl suffering is nothing new, but austin jorgensens approach to it was so fucking unique. you dont just witness it, you get to EXPERIENCE it right along with her. many stories that involve sexual abuse/rape show or otherwise depict it explicitly for the shock value, which is both disgusting and, in my opinion, extremely fucking exploitative. i feel that it is horrific to dignify an act so deeply evil with screentime. but lisa stood out to me immediately because, even though you know exactly whats going on, the game NEVER shows anything explicit. everything is layered in subtext and symbolism, and austin is fantastic with indirect storytelling, so you learn so much from just a little drop of information. this applies not just to the game proper, but to the character as well.

in case its not clear: i absolutely ADORE lisa. she is my favorite character in all of the games, bar none. its going to sound kind of fucked up, but as a kid around her age going through some fucked up shit, her committing suicide at the end felt like a sort of victory to me. she knew she could never escape from marty or what he was doing to her. he leaks into every single part of her psyche, everything she ever cared about or loved is ruined because of him, and even the vague memory of her mother is completely corrupted, and turned into a muddled version of him. lisa the first also had the added benefit of some religious commentary, as there are crosses all over their home and marty is characterized as an extremely religious man, which i fucking LOVE and wish had come back in the painful, but its an acceptable loss. anyway, lisa committing suicide at the end was an act of defiance against not just marty, but martys god, as suicide is considered a mortal sin in catholicism. lisa knew she’d never be free of marty in life, so she escaped the only way she could; she was defiant to the end.

ive seen people complain that the painful has a bit of a “lost lenore” thing going on, since lisas death seems to fuel the Manpain of both brad and buzzo, but i actually disagree. on the contrary, its just like austin himself said - lisa will never be gone. lisa is ALWAYS there, with brad, and buzzo, and buddy, and marty, and yado, and the ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD. i dont necessarily think that there is something paranormal going on in the game, but i AM going to say that, unlike other cases of a girl/woman dying for a mans backstory, lisa isnt just a bittersweet memory they can reflect on and then put away when its convenient for them. she is a presence that is felt throughout the entire game. brad sees her more than once, sometimes watching, sometimes reprimanding him. buzzo is clearly haunted by her, as he cries out to her a few times in the joyful. every character who was directly touched by lisa - brad, marty, and buzzo - calls out to lisa as they die. call it their guilt or call it her actions, but in either case, it is clear that lisa just as significant of a character in the painful as she was in the first, even if she cant always be seen. even in a meta-sense, every game in the series - even the joyful, whose protagonist doesnt even know who she is - is named after her. she is at the center of everything that happens in them.

that actually brings me to buddy, because i find the dynamic between her and lisa fucking fascinating. as i previously mentioned, brad never talked about his past with buddy, and snaps at her for bringing up his adoptive son dusty (rando), so it goes without saying that she definitely doesnt know who lisa is. in spite of that, though, lisa is a fucking massive part of buddys life, and while she may not know the person herself, i think she is aware that when people (and brad especially) look at her, they arent seeing HER.

i mentioned it in another post, but even though brad takes it upon himself to raise and “protect” buddy, he seems to almost unwittingly recreate lisas appearance, primarily by allowing her hair to grow long even though he knows what a risk that is to her safety. he also treats buddy in a manner thats incredibly similar to how marty treated lisa (sans sexual abuse, of course) - he insults her, does not let her leave the house at all, and forces her to do unsavory things that no one should ever have to do (in buddys case, this means killing at least two innocent people because brad doesnt want a “weak” daughter). the most literal comparison between buddy and lisa is the fact that they are both very young girls being essentially held captive by their father figures, albeit for different reasons, and both long for freedom from their captors.

theres also the fact that both buddy and lisa have to deal with misogyny and the effects of rape culture firsthand; they both battle against men who feel entitled to do with them whatever they please, and the threat of ongoing sexual abuse looms heavy over both of their heads. neither one can seek help from anyone; the neighbors in brad and lisas town seem complacent at best, if they even know what is happening to lisa at all, and buddys only allies (sans rando) are long dead by the start of the joyful. this is not just a hypothetical or a distant possibility. this is the real, tangible fate that will befall them if they cant somehow secure their safety.

sadly, because lisa wasnt playable in either of the rpgs, we dont know if she was able to fight as brad was, but it is highly probable that she had the innate skill but was never able to learn it (as marty highly discouraged them from learning “their grandfathers karate,” and seemed disgusted whenever brad did so). however, she did have ONE weapon she could make use of, and this is a weapon buddy ends up using, as well - her femininity. she became close to bernard (aka buzzo), made him fall in love with her, and then used him as a last ditch effort to stop martys abuse by having him mutilate her face. im not saying lisa never cared about bernard - in fact, i think she DID really love and care for him - but her own fucked up experiences with “love” meant she really couldnt understand what it was supposed to be like, or that it was wrong to manipulate the people you care about. lisa did very few things wrong - it pretty much just stops at the maiming of the cat and her manipulation of bernard - but she knew that she would never get away from marty without some kind of drastic action being taken, and scarring herself was her last ditch effort before ultimately committing suicide.

buddy ends up taking a somewhat similar tack in the joyful, and like in lisas case, its simultaneously resourceful and horrific. one of buddys key moves in the joyful is to flash the enemy (which the player obviously doesnt see) in order to distract them long enough to get the kill. its fucking horrible and disgusting and makes you feel so dirty, but then, how must buddy feel having to do something like that just to survive? shes just a child, but in a world where almost every man is out to get you, she knows this has to be done to save herself, very much like lisa. unlike in lisas case, though, buddy is successful in securing her safety in this way - lisas effort is for naught, and leads to her committing suicide not very long after.

in a way, i sort of attribute buddys brutality to lisas omnipresence; all of the men pursuing buddy are just like marty, monsters who would harm a fucking child for their own disgusting ends, and i think that when buzzo said that lisa wouldve loved olathe, what he means is that she would have loved seeing so many horrible men being punished for what theyd done. so in my opinion, buddy carving out a place for herself in olathe by killing all those who would subjugate her seems very much in the mentality lisa would have had. sure, there are some innocents who sadly get roped into it, but that would definitely not be her intention; for example, if buzzo could have practiced amputation without harming a living thing, i dont think lisa would have asked him to practice on the cat. note the LACK of brutality at the beehive and the swamp bar, two of the few peaceful places in the painful and both devoid of predatory men hunting for buddy - lisa has no qualm with any of them. but marty? brad could hardly even get a full sentence out before killing him on the spot. i dont doubt that that has a great deal to do with lisas presence.

ok i talked for a while LMAO but basically i think that, in a more metatextual sense, lisa and buddys relationship really strikes me as an accurate depiction of generational trauma. of course it was intentional with the more obvious trauma chain (marty to brad to buddy), but the trauma chain of marty to lisa to buddy is rarely ever addressed due to lisa not physically appearing in the painful. however, i believe it may inform buddys actions a great deal more than people realize - after all, buddys experience is unique, but who could understand it better than lisa? who knows that sort of pain, of being alone on an island, the lone woman trapped with a man (or men) who want nothing more than to cause you harm? even without her realizing it, lisa is guiding buddy, encouraging her to take back what is hers no matter the cost, to punish those who would try to take what they want from her. lisa might be dead, but she is a vengeful presence throughout every game, and buddys actions feel like theyre meant not only to save herself, but to avenge lisa, even if she doesnt realize it. at the end of the day, buddy and lisa both get to exact revenge against all the men who have wronged them, and they succeed. they are aggressive, and violent, and selfish, and ANGRY - and they have every fucking right to be.

#lisa the first #lisa the painful #lisa the joyful #long post #yall GOTTA stop u know good and damn well i will talk about this game all fucking day hdskjdsk #rape mention #abuse mention #lisa #anya's anons

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scaredandbored · 4 years

Text

frailty, thy name is leonard mccoy

(title is a rip-off of shakespeare’s line “frailty, thy name is woman” from hamlet)

warnings : THERE ARE SPOILERS IN THE WARNINGS

1- look bones gets kidnapped by aliens who are totally against their planet’s agreement with the federation and he gets beaten up pretty bad. im not sure how to warn specifics for this, but there’s physical violence and blood and stuff so if you don’t like that, this isn’t for you

2- this is my first time writing with a vague plot in mind so please feel free to tear into it with the ol’ constructive criticism

3- there IS a lengthy discussion of a “global viral pandemic” but it ain’t covid and it ain’t earth so s’long as words like “outbreak” “viral” “pandemic” “global pandemic” “isolation” etc don’t bother you it should be ok

4- bones is in it so there is cursing. also spock kinda gets Overly Protective so if yall dont like that give this one a skip (not that im always shit at writing spock anyway)

5- oop character death didn’t expect that but the plot goes where the plot wants to go

no editing we die like men

it IS a spones fic who do you think i am

words : 3,523

When the Anti-Federation Rebels did not return by the time Leonard’s throat had begun to itch with thirst, he started to realise that he wasn’t critically injured Had any properly trained Starfleet officer been put in his situation, they probably wouldn’t even bother showing up to medbay at this stage. But he wasn’t properly trained. Just a bumbling country doctor the fleet had stupidly thought would thrive while being held responsible for the lives of the entire crew of their flagship. He wasn’t built for this kind of thing, he wasn’t trained. Physically and emotionally weaker than the rest of the crew, and completely ignorant of the politics and mind games involved in space travel; he was in pain. All he had wanted was to try and stop the spread of the virus, and look where that had gotten him.

He’d strong-armed Kirk into taking this mission. Pulled in a few favours. He’d not been keeping a particularly close eye on the negotiations happening between the official representatives of Caughlaigh and the United Federation of Planets, but when he’d heard about the viral outbreak on the main content of the planet, Leonard McCoy knew they weren’t equipped to handle the situation. The night he first heard about the outbreak, he’d asked Kirk what he’d known about Caughlaigh, to which the captain had responded : “To be perfectly honest, not much, Bones.”, before neatly taking Spock’s rook with a knight. Spock had raised an eyebrow at Leonard’s sudden breaking of the comfortable silence in the room. The eyebrow crept a millimetre higher at the captain’s unprecedented move. Leonard decided to drop the conversation and forget about it. He knew he didn’t know everything about the situation. He knew Starfleet would’ve looked at the medical capabilities of the people of Caughlaigh and reacted accordingly. He knew Spock was underestimating the importance of that particular move made by Jim. He’d thought maybe he was underestimating the Caughlaigh officials. Jim had won that particular match.

Two days later, a recommended news story on his personal PADD told him the situation on Caughlaigh had escalated from an outbreak to a pandemic. There were cases in every settlement on the main continent, and the spread of the virus to the other two smaller continents was inevitable. He’d hung behind after watching Spock destroy Jim at chess three times in a row to tell the captain what he’d learned. Jim had smiled softly in the way he always did when Leonard was being unnecessarily worrisome. “I’m sure the powers that be are making sure no-one is in any real danger.” A friendly clap on the shoulder that the rest of the crew would’ve taken in their stride shook McCoy slightly. “Now, I recommend you get yourself a good night’s rest, Bones.” Leonard had grumbled something about not knowing Jim had gotten a medical license.

Another two days later, another recommended news story. The first deaths from the virus had happened in the epicentre of the pandemic, the largest settlement on the main continent had lost their main healer and her most trained assistant. McCoy set up his PADD so that any articles regarding the Caughlaigh Pandemic would be automatically downloaded, available to read even if they entered some electromagnetic storms or some other astro-phenomenon he didn’t fully understand.

A week later, three inhabitants of one of the smaller continents passed away. Leonard had gone to Jim with the intention of seeking comfort from the closest thing he had to a friend on this godforsaken tin can. He’d come back six hours later with a promise from his captain and Starfleet that the Enterprise was going to assist with the Caughlaigh situation.

A day later, Leonard hand picked multiple ensigns and a few nurses to take with him to the surface to work on the frontlines. Commander Spock had formally contested the logic in sending down the ship’s chief medical officer to work in a hospital instead of working on a cure back at the ship. Leonard’s friend Spock had requested he be unwavering in his sanitation and self-preservation on the surface.

He’d only been on the surface for a week when he’d been knocked out while he was scrubbing up for a surgery. The anti-federation rebels had noticed his uniform and taken him for a great deal of questioning. They used a method that was rather... forceful.

They had left him alone, finally. Maybe they had realised he wasn’t going to cooperate. Most likely they were taking a break to make sure they didn’t render him useless before they could exploit him for information. Lucky for him.

Leonard McCoy didn’t enjoy bright lights at the best of times; as a boy growing up in Georgia he’d always been mocked by his peers for his adverse reaction to the harsh sunlight, whether it was violently scrunching up his face or wearing sunglasses every time he stepped outside the door. He’d eventually stopped wearing the sunglasses, migraines be damned. A kid can only take so much ridicule. Now, decades later, he found himself irrationally wishing he’d taken his sunglasses with him. He had to focus on how much the harsh, almost surgical lights were paining him. Had to, unless he wanted to focus on the rest of his aching body.

He could heard the sound of his captors making their way back into the room he’d been strapped up in, and began to pull helplessly at his bonds, which did nothing but give him friction burns around his wrists and ankles. He tried to speak but instead of his voice, a pained hiss of air rushed out from somewhere low in his throat as a clawed foot connected with his stomach.

Clinically, Leonard registered the puncturing of the skin over his stomach, but failed to extrapolate any further medical analysis as pain seared from the wounds. A fist connected with his nose. There was a crack, then more pain. He could feel blood rushing down his lower face, could feel it looking between his lips, could taste it when his mouth opened in a gasp for air as something constricted his breathing.

Thrashing his head, Leonard desperately tried to get a glimpse of who was in the room with him, tried to figure out where they were coming from, where they’d hit him next, but the lights were blinding him, his eyes were burning, he was pretty sure his nose was broken, he was bleeding, he... he was alone.

An open palm struck his face while another clawed foot pressed painfully at the base of his spine. It was probably his imagination, but Leonard thought he could hear his old bones creak and groan under the pressure.

His lips grew tacky with the blood that continued to gush from his nose, and his head spun. He couldn’t stop himself from jerking his arms instinctively to press against the throbbing wounds to his stomach, which caused the restraints on his wrists to dig into his skin.

A cold, almost-leather strap was clamped around his neck, and it was tight, much too tight. He tried to tell them, desperate mewlings that went ignored as his nose kept bleeding and his stomach kept churning and he couldn’t think and then there was a strong, cold, seven fingered hand gripping his jaw, forcing his chin up.

A growl, from someone Leonard couldn’t see, corresponded with a significant tightening of the grip on his jaw. His head was full of feathers, he was sure of it. A soft, swan-like down that was probably stained brick red from the steady stream pouring out of his nose, out of his gut-

He felt his jaw shatter and his head hit the ground.

***

“Bones, please respond.” The captain had been comming his CMO for upwards of an hour now, ever since he failed to give his morning report. He hadn’t been particularly worried about Bones’s failure to report precisely on time; he’d always had an awful internal clock. The only reason he was starting to worry now was that his away team hadn’t seen Dr.McCoy since lunchtime yesterday.

Now, if it had been an away team of senior officers, he’d believe Bones would’ve felt no need to check in with the crew, but he’d taken down a bunch of ensigns to try and give them some experience on the field, and Bones was the biggest mother hen Jim had ever met. “Spock, life signs?”

Spock hadn’t looked up from his console all morning, which was a worry in itself. “The doctor removed his comm badge before retiring last night, earlier than normal, captain. He has not reattached it since.”

“You’re telling me we can’t find him?” Jim was trying to keep his professionalism, but when his friend was unaccounted for on a politically volatile planet, he thought he could be forgiven a little terseness.

Spock took longer to reply than usual, his hands fiddling with what Jim knew to be more sensitive equipment than their general sensors. “There is no terran life-forms outside of the planet-side transporter location within our sensor range, captain.”

“And what exactly is our sensor range, Mr.Spock?” Angling for less confrontational, Jim found himself using a tone of voice he knew Spock had difficulty discerning whether it was angry or not. To make up for this, Jim perched himself on the edge of Spock’s console, placing his hand on the back of the chair and leaning in closer so he could look at the readings himself.

“We can scan the entire surface of the planet with the assistance of the numerous towers planet-side. However, we can only penetrate approximately six feet below the surface due to the composition of the planet’s soil. It contains isotopes which-”

“Thank you Mr.Spock, I understand.” Normally, Jim would indulge Spock in his analysis, but time could very well have been a resource they were lacking. “Six feet, you say?”

“Affirmative, captain.” Spock was looking directly at him, his normal micro-expressions invisible to Jim.

“Well, at least we know he’s not dead.”

“Captain?”

“I’ll explain later, Mr.Spock. Mr.Scott?” The crackle of the infamously bad reception from the engine room rang over the bridge’s intercom.

“Aye, captain?”

“Any chance we could get those sickbay kids back onboard?”

“Aye sir. I had someone repair those transporters this mornin’.”

“Excellent. Bridge out.” Kirk took a steadying breath. Just one. He couldn’t let the panic he could feel settling low in his chest affect his ability to command the ship. Especially when the livelihood of the ship’s CMO depended on that ability. “Transporter room?”

“Sir?”

“Have we got a lock on the away team?”

“All bar one, captain. Do you have the coordinates of Dr.McCoy?”

“Not right now, no. Beam up the rest, and have them report to my ready room.”

“Aye, sir.”

Jim closed his eyes for a moment, vaguely aware of Spock standing up from his station. “Alright, Mr.Spock. Let’s find out what we can from these officers before we go jumping to any conclusions.”

***

Leonard woke as his head was thrown against what felt like a stone wall, blood bubbling in the back of his throat. He could only hope the blood was from his nose and not his lungs, although both his face and chest were aching equally.

A hand pinned him to the wall by the back of his neck, grinding his face against the gritty surface. Tiny pebbles scraped at the skin of his face, and he could feel his head spin as concern about an infection flitted in and out of the overwhelming bouts of different kinds of pain. A burning pain on his face from the fiction between his cheek and the gravely wall, a sharp pain in his nose (broken, if the amount of blood pooling above his upper lip was anything to go by), another sharp pain somewhere on the back of his head (sticky substance on back of neck: sweat or blood?), various, almost insignificant pains along and around his torso, an overall stiffness, and, oh Jesus.

A shriek ripped its way out of his severely dehydrated throat as a scaled fist collided with his side, tugging at the skin which they had haphazardly sewn back together while he’d been knocked out. The area around the wound was warm, and the second the fist made contact with his side he could feel something oozing out of it. Not good, his brain helpfully supplied. The scream that had perforated the room left him whimpering in pain, his jaw a horrific cocktail of sharp, stabbing pains and dull aches, a bitter metallic taste stinging at his taste buds.

A voice, speaking a language he didn’t know, was coming from somewhere in the room, too far away to be his assailant. Then, right beside his ear, from a tongue not designed to verbalise Standard : “They come.”

Leonard could feel a sharp talon being pressed against the junction between the hinge of his jaw and his ear, not piercing the skin, not yet. It took him a while to try and figure out what they meant, then he gave a sharp, barking laugh followed by a coughing fit, splattering the wall he was pressed against. Jesus Christ. “You’re on some goddamn dumb shit if y’all think they ain’t halfway across y’all’s galaxy by this point.”

The faraway, foreign vocalisations. The talon jabbed forcefully into his skin, making him groan, feeling a warm trickle of blood slither down his neck to pool with whatever was dripping down the back of his neck.

He’d been crying since before he’d woken up, at least he thought so. “They ain’t comin’ you goddamn idiots, get your paws the fuck offa me.” His voice was thin and non-threatening, even to his own ears. The talon dragged itself down, towards his carotid artery. Leonard’s shriek was trapped in his throat as he squirmed, pressing himself further into the wall in a pathetic attempt to escape the motion. He could hear the owner of the slowly advancing talon release a hiss, before jerking it back up to his ear, deepening the wound.

He could hear his own sobs bouncing off of the walls, echoing around his head. They weren’t coming. They couldn’t come, they’d get caught too, they had to leave him. The shudder that ran through his body tugged at the rancid stitches in his stomach, the shifting of his clothes hitting him with his own stench: dried blood, fresh blood, sweat, urine, and vomit.

Must’ve thrown up while unconscious.

Why didn’t I choke on it, damnit?

His stomach heaved, his stitched popped, and he felt himself crumple, but was unconscious before he felt to the ground with a dull crack.

***

“Captain it’s been three days-”

“I won’t give up the search-”

“I would not suggest we cease our search, captain. I was suggesting you allow me to proceed ahead at my own pace, as I believe I will be more efficient in locating the doctor than the security team.”

“I need you here, Spock.”

“You do not.”

Jim had never seen Spock like this before, never born witness to his unwavering loyalty secondhand. He was used to being found by a Spock who had already begun to lose his version of a frantic disposition. He did not know what to do with a Spock who looked like he was going to go ahead with his own plan regardless of orders received. “Spock-”

“You have many competent officers aboard who would be willing to assist you in interviewing the locals.”

Jim tilted his head, giving his first officer a warning look which he had a feeling went ignored. “Are you suggesting my search team is incompetent, Mr.Spock?”

His eyebrows jumped as Spock clearly opened his mouth to give his agreement. Spock quickly checked himself and closed his mouth, took a deep breath, then leveled Jim with a look he knew all too well. Spock had picked it up from him. “I am merely noting your CMO has been missing for three days, presumed in mortal danger.” It was a vulcanised version of the look Jim got before disobeying a direct order from a superior.

“I need you back alive. Both of you.”

Spock blinked once in what Jim hoped was a promise before he was gone.

***

The team of redshirts trailed behind Spock as he followed the sound of a gentle scraping his human teammates had not been able to hear. The sound grew louder as they wound their way through a cave system that was almost too dark for him to see in. Spock’s already brisk pace grew even faster as a pained groan joined the scraping noise, an eerily human expression of pain.

The team following him broke out into a full sprint the second they heard a yell coming from directly ahead. Spock froze at the familiarity of that yell. He’d heard it more times than he cared to, and his stomach lurched at what it implied. Snapping into action, he easily outstripped the rest of the team, who yelled for him to stop.

Spock did not stop.

He burst into a wide open cavern flooded with bright light, felt his second eyelid slide shut, and in the split second it took for his eyes to adjust, there were three pairs of eyes fixed on him. Two threatening, reptilian humanoids watched him carefully, as Spock stood, frozen. McCoy was looking at him, but his eyes were glazed over, his face gaunt and bloody, his bare feet slipping in a puddle of his own shockingly red blood as he was held up by his neck by one of the two friendly locals. Spock felt cold, and he could feel his heart drop to his pelvic girdle as he was unable to see the rise and fall of the doctor’s chest. He couldn’t move. The captors were stood in shock, uncertain what to do with their intruder.

“S....Sp....” McCoy blinked slowly and tried to speak. The sound of his voice struggling up through a restricted throat, past a mangled jaw, desperately trying to form the sounds of his name brought a fury Spock had never known.

He felt a growl rumble in his chest, and when the lizard holding McCoy by the neck gave the doctor a shake, Spock launched himself. He was vaugly aware of a scuffle ensuing behind him, but his focus was totally on pulverising this creature who had dared to try and take Leonard from him.

Wrapping an arm around Leonard’s chest elicited a pained mewl from his tiny doctor, which sent another surge of red through Spock, as he shoved the creature away from them instead of trying to pull Leonard away, but the creature dug its talons in instead of letting go. Spock could feel Leonard jerk forward, pulled by the nails embedded in his neck. A strangled noise left Spock as he leaned forward and sank his teeth into the hand, which released Leonard in surprise. Immediately, Spock slipped McCoy behind him, his concern slowly growing to outtake his anger as Leonard’s pained noises grew more and more frequent. Backing into a corner, Spock’s eyes did not leave the advancing opponent.

There was a flash of light, the lizard fell, and Spock immediately turned to Leonard, his hands flying to the psi-points on the doctors face without hesitation, totally unaware of the frail hands shakily trying to pry him away. Spock joined to McCoy without hesitating, ascertaining the extent of the damage.

That wasn’t a very good idea, darlin’.

Spock had not wanted his first meld with Leonard to be like this, not filled with more pain than he knew the doctor could withstand, not feeling the ghosts of what he knew, logically, were recent, fatal wounds, and older, debilitating lacerations and fractures.

You may not leave.

Since when have I ever done what y’told me to, Spock?

His thoughts were... surprisingly direct for a human untrained in vulcan ways, but the way they were growing gradually quieter was enough to send Spock into a panic which he tried desperately to tamp down.

On Vulcan, one’s spouse always obeys their husband.

Who’s t’say y’ain’t the one who’s ‘posed to do th’ obeyin’?

Spock felt a flash of pain as Leonard tried to smile, then the connection went dead.

Leonard had slammed up a mental barrier, and Spock did not have time to wonder where he had learned to do that, not as he was desperately pressing at Leonard’s psi-points while fixedly staring at the increasingly unsteady rise and fall of the his chest. Spock’s gazed fixed in horror at the stark white slip of collarbone protruding from the skin with every inhale.

By the time the familiar fizz of the transporter surrounded them, Spock was no longer fighting against the mental barrier, but was still unable to make contact with the spirited doctor.

***

Jim had known Spock’s expression had meant he was going to disobey an order. He’d hoped by giving the order Spock had wanted, to bring his two best friends home, to avoid that. He should’ve known better.

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ashsblurbs · 4 years

Text

Devil went into hiding

*Sequel to running with the devil *

Arne stood in front of the window of Kat’s hospital room. His heart sank looking at the woman that was so strong and could taking a beating with one hand tied behind her back. She was pale with her auburn hair floating around her; with a breathing tube and needle lines coming out both of her arms. He closed his eyes not wanting to see the person he ever loved looking so broken. He should have been her to help her. Arne wouldn’t say he should have been there to protect Kat because she never needed protecting.

“Arne!” Arne turned around and saw his best friend, James. James looked so tired. There was a smile on his face, but his eyes looked haunted. He should have been here for all of his friends. He should have been here. He walked over and pulled James into a tight hug. He pulled away and could see better that James’s eyes were red. The man that never cried was breaking.

“Are you okay?”

“We need to leave now. I’ve called Ivan and Alex. Alex said he would sit this one out. He’s going to man stations with Theo. Freya is also coming. Don’t worry her and Kat have been training together. She’s no Kat but Freya can hold her own. We need the numbers also if you want armor your dad’s is hanging up in the east wing.” James turned starting to leave to suit up himself when Arne stopped him.

“Bro, you need to breath. What happen?” James’s eyes darken to almost black.

“No bro, do you want to know what happen? I watched the girl I loved almost die in my arms. I carried her lifeless body while her blood soaked through my uniform. She hasn’t woken and its been over twelve hours. So, don’t tell me to breath!” James turned to walk out of the room leaving Arne trying to wrap what James just said around his head. What did he mean by the girl he loved?

Natasha through open the door with fire in her eyes. Steve and Bucky dropped what they were doing and stared at her. Bucky ran over to her. She fell into his arms feeling safe once again. She closed her eyes feeling so tire. Natasha thought that the fight was finally over, and she could go home. Her kids weren’t supposed to endure the nightmares that her and her husband went through. Their lives were supposed to be different.

“So, are we getting the whole team because I did recon and there is no sign of Hydra nor our daughter. It was like they just vanished.” Bucky gave her a look telling we got this. Steve tried speaking up but was ignored by their silent communicating.

“We called Thor and Bruce. They are already suiting up ready to go. Tony is searching the area and doing scans. That I know of the boys are coming to sit with Kat and Steve is on board too. So, go get ready and meet us in an hour.” Bucky bent down and kissed her cheek. She gave him a warm smile. She loved him so much.

“Thank you, Steve.” He gave her a nod and a smile as well.

The group of twenty-somethings all stood together in the training room getting ready for the battle of a lifetime. In all honesty none of them were trained for this except for James and Arne. The rest of them were going in blind but they also weren’t dumb. Their parents were the Avengers. James brought everyone together to run down the plan of action. Little did he know is father was doing the same.

“Okay, Alex and Theo are going to stay at the compound and be our eyes inside of the base. Take out all of the security cameras and warn us of any surprises.” Theo and Alex nodded confirming they understood their orders.

“Okay, team we have done this before. This is a search and rescue mission. We are going to break into three teams. Ironman and I. Black Widow and the White wolf. Thor and the Hulk. Does anyone object with these pairings?” Each couple looked at one another not wishing not to be next to their significant other.

“Ivan, Freya you see this door located in the west wing. This is where you will go in. Kat and I found labs and other paperwork in there. Collect as much information you can without being caught. Once complete with is part meet us here.” Freya and Ivan gave each other a nervous look. Ivan had no desire to be in the field but for his sisters he would do anything. Freya had basic training, but she reminds herself that her power was her mind.

“Bucky and Nat, you will start in the east wing. From what James told me this is where they ran into Ana. Tony and I will go to the west and try to collect any data or look for hidden rooms. Thor, Bruce do surveillance outside but once we call you meet us.” Steve pointed to the very center of the map. “This is where we will all meet once we complete our missions.

“Does everyone know their task? We got this and we will succeed because we are the Avengers. So, Avengers Assemble!” James shouted.

“Avengers Assemble!” Steve and the team headed out not realizing that their own children weren’t to fair behind.

There was a throbbing pain in her head. The lights were too bright and laying down was not helping. Kat moved to the edge of the bed but then felt a sharp pain in her abdomen. She screamed out in pain until a nurse ran into the room instructing her to lay back down.

“Ms. Barnes, you need to lay back down or you will pop all of your stitches.” She huffed laying back down not liking to be fussed over. She took in a deep breath trying to remember why she was in here. The last thing she could piece together was seeing Ana and then a gun fire. James pulling her into his arms. Her slowly drifting off, feeling safe enough to in his warm arms.

Kat sat up again not likely laying in this bed. She had to find James or someone so she could know what was going. What was their next move? Once again, the nurse rushed back in trying to get her to rest. Kat pushed her away. She was fine beside the shooting pain everywhere.

“You must rest. Your mom and dad gave us strict orders to keep you in bed.” Kat paused at the mention of her parents. All she wanted was to see them, especially her pops. He always made things a little better.

“Where are my parents?” The nurse fixed her IVs adjusting the medicine. She could feel them working and the pain numbing.

“They were called to a mission with Steve Rogers and the other remaining Avengers.” Kat laid back feeling groggy, she just wanted to sleep. She did have one final question to ask.

“Where… Where is… Where is James?” Before she was given the answer, the world faded away.

James and Arne walked down the hall in silence. There was friction between the two men. They both knew what it was but were they really going to let someone come in between their friendship. Kat was a friend of theirs since they were just small children. Kat wasn’t something to fight over, she was the strong girl that they had many of memories with. The late movie nights, the giggle fest, and the sleep overs where the secrets they shared stayed between them.

“Do you remember when we were eight and Kat and I stole your clothes after we went swimming. You had to run around in just a towel screaming at us.” James glared at Arne.

“I was so mad. I was in just a towel for at least an hour until your dad found me curled up in ball shaking because I was cold.” Arne laughed.

“Hey, man, you had a towel. Also, I was ground for two weeks because of it. Kat didn’t get punished at all. She just batted her eyelashes at Uncle Buck, and everything was forgiven.” They turned to look at each other and their smiles fell. They were thinking the same thing, was Kat going to be okay. They were interrupted by a crackling of comms.

“Captain, there is two heat signatures coming close to you.”

“Roger that dark glasses.” Alex huffed at his codename. He wanted something cooler like overwatch or heat seeker.

Steve and Tony walked slowly trying to take in every possible lead as to where Hydra had gone. This was their only chance they had for years to finally bring home their niece. They couldn’t afford to fail. Their footprints echo allowing them to know they were the only ones there until they heard another pair of steps. Steve frozen taking in the change of sound. There it was again.

“Cap, what’s wrong?” Steve pulled out his shield and ready it for attack.

“Tony, someone or more importantly people are close by. I think its only two, but they aren’t fair.” They stood their place until two figures appeared. Steve put the shield back and gave the two people a perplex looked and so did the same.

“James, Arne?”

“Dad, Pops”

“What are you doing here?” They said together. Tony looked at his son and a slight tear slipped down his cheek. He walked over and pulled his son into a hug. Tony was more worried then he let on when Steve and him first talked about the situation at hand. So, having his baby in his arms was a relief. Tony took a step back and admired James. He gave him a proud smile. In that instance he looked so much like his father. From the slicked back hair to Steve’s old stealth suit. He was so proud of his son.

“Dad, are you okay?” Tony nodded ready to get back to the mission.

“James, why are yall here? Please tell me it’s not just you two after what happened early.”

“No, sir, we have Alex and Theo manning comms. Ivan and Freya are searching the east wing. Kat is still in the hospital stable and Brooklyn well doing what ever Brooklyn at this point in time. She isn’t here.” Steve let out a sigh of relief knowing that James assembled a team and didn’t go in here blind.

“Well since this is your mission. Call the shots Captain America.”

Freya looked around nervously at everything around them. Sometimes Ivan and her would find alien like weapons others it would be just blood which would lead her to almost faint. Why did she agree to this? She was more of a book worm not a superhero?

“Hey, are you okay?” She turned to Ivan and shook her head no.

“I’m kind of freaking out. I don’t know where we are or what we are doing? Anyone could pop out at any moment and ahh.” She slammed straight into a man. He dropped his gun to catch her from falling down. She turned around and saw a familiar face. Oh, thank God, she thought.

“Uncle Buck, get me out of here.” Freya turned around and wrapped his arms around his waist. He pulled her in for an embrace and looked over at Natasha. What was going on and why was the two people not trained for a mission here.

“Ivan, why are you here? You have no combat training. You should be at home.” Nat glared at her son not liking that he was here. She already one daughter in the hospital and another missing. She didn’t think her heart could take it if another child of hers got hurt too.

“Mom, everything is fine. Alex is in my ear right now.”

“What mom and dad are there?” Ivan turned the earpiece off so not to have Alex blabbing in his ear.

“And James, Arne are on the other side. We got this. Now you are here we are golden.” Ivan started dancing around his mother making her glare at him. Which just made him laugher harder. Nat noticed what he was wearing and almost teared up, but she was Russian, and they didn’t do that.

“Is that your Uncle Clint’s suit?” Ivan stopped and pulled out the bow he found in the weapons room and strung a bow to mimic his uncle.

“Yeah, it was either this or your old suit. I might have the figure, but I couldn’t pull of the skintight cat suit if I wanted to.” Bucky laughed and came forward clapping a hand onto his shoulder.

“Just got word from Steve and they found James and Arne. They said to meet them in the center. Thor and Bruce are already there.” Panic rose into Freya’s chest. She’s going to get into so much trouble.

They all met in the center. The new avengers and the old avengers. The superheroes of the past looked in awe at their children. Neither of them thought they would live long enough to see a legacy they didn’t try for. It just happens. James was Captain America, Arne was the god, Ivan was Hawkeye, Freya was a Valkyrie, Kat was Black Widow. Thor walked of Arne. Both intensely looking at each other; then Thor smiled pulling him in for a hug. If you couldn’t tell this family was a hugger and Thor was the worst.

“Son, I’ve missed you so much. I’m sorry for my behavior and to prove that every word I said was wrong I am giving you Mjölnir.”

“Are you sure I’m even worthy to carry it?”

“You were worthy since you were born. A great warrior, a great son, and even better sibling and friend. You might not want the throne but that doesn’t make you less worthy. It is my honor to pass it on.” Thor stuck out the hammer and Arne took it lifting it up with easy. He could feel lighting course through his veins. Power was finally unlocked in him.

“Steve what’s next? This place is empty.” Steve turned and looked at James. This was his mission and Steve weren’t about to take over. James mouthed are you sure. Steve nodded.

“Yes, Uncle Buck, this place is empty. This is where Kat was shot and we last Ana. Now it looks like there is no trace of them even being here. I say we go back to the compound and regroup as a team.” Also check on Kat he wanted to add.

Kat blinked her eyes open slowly. She squinted her eyes, there was a figure in front of her that she couldn’t quite figure out. She blinked again and could see a dark hair. Then the figure walked to her bending down near her. The man picked up her hand running his fingertips along her palm. Then he spoke. They were at first soft rumbles then picked up to actually conversations.

“So, we went back to base and it was empty. It was cool though my pops let me lead the whole Avengers team. Go, I’m a twenty-four-year-old man and I’m still seeking approval. Oh, you should see your parents in action. It was amazing. We were ambush on our way to the jet and the way they had sprung into action.” Kat now knew it was James. Sweet James. She closed her eyes fully and smiled as he talked about his mission. He never got excited like this and it was nice hearing the joy in his voice.

“I just knew I had to come and tell you first. Also had to make sure you were better. Heard you woke up. I’m sorry I wasn’t here when you did.” There was a knock at the door and James turned around to see Arne standing in the doorway. James stood up and walked over to him leaving Kat alone in the room again. She drifted back off to sleep still feeling the faded touch of his fingers.

“Sorry, for pulling you away. Your dad said he needed you.” James stared at him not sure if he believed him, but James wasn’t going to start a fight. His friend was allowed sometime alone with a friend.

Arne waited until James was long gone before he walked into the room. He stood in the back not wanting to get to close. Arne felt uncomfortable seeing Kat laying in a bed half dead especially since he hadn’t spoken to her since she left over a year ago. He only wanted to say one thing.

“I promise to get her back.” Arne turn out of the room living her to rest. All he wanted to know was that she was okay.

#stony #superfamily #buckynat #winterwidow #thorbruce #thunderscience #ash's blurbs #avenger kids au

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familyagrestefanblog · 5 years

Text

My notes to Ezras and Veronikas blind-reaction video

I’ve watched this video like at least 3 times today because honestly, Ezra is comedy gold and a whole ass mood. Also I wanted to get as much information out of their reactions as possible and at the same time try to figure out what episode we are dealing with here. My guess is “Kwami Buster” what do you think?

But now for my notes. Get something to eat and drink I’ve got 4 whole pages ^^

Ezra just dead ass comfirmed Mark + Nathanael as canon, nice!

episode starts in a location we’ve already been in s1 but rarely and we havent discovered it much so my guess is this:

The only time an akuma attack took place in there was in “Mr. Pigeon” and it rarely came up in other episodes.

a “her” is possibly up to something

a “she” (It didnt seem to be the same person) has alot to speak in this episode but normally doesnt speal much -> Ezra; she kinda does -> Veronika

A character has an ongoing theme, it happenes over and over (progression in the season/s). They dont know wjere the creators will go with it but Ezra theorizes it’ll be a massive sacifice. ( I think they are talking about Marinette here, who will maybe see something like Adrien and Kagami together and gets sad over it again. Since she will give up her love for him in s3 finale I find this more than likely). Also Veronika said first she cant imagine it being super sad and then mentioned Marinette slightly with “Like, Ladybug’s...” but then cuts off and agrees with Ezra that “it could be very sad” because Ezra said that he thinks itll be a massive Sacrifice because the show doesnt shy away from real emotions/feeling, espacially love and passion.

something new came up that teaches us about the term all of season 3 has been dealing with. We havent seen it yet, but its setting up why “they” happen. (No idea on this one)

something completely different and exciting came up (They are MARELING!) “Its beautiful!” “This is gorgeous!”. Never done before and something slightly origin story like (My bets are that this is a continuation of Master Fus backstory in “The collector” and its done kinda in the way of his painting like flashback pics

A “him” is in it and they are very excited about it (could be younger Fu but it could be anyone, really)

The voice actor whos telling the tale (another reason why I think its Fus backstory) is gonnabe very very busy

the whole sequence is going on for a while

Huge responsibility for Marinette (also another reason for the Backstory. I think this would be the episode he will start actually making Marinette a guradian of the Miraculous and therefore trusts her with even more of his backstory and what happened in the past

Veronika feels for a character alot of other people start to feel for too. She calls the person “missunderstood” (I think its Natahlie)

One story line Ezra knows very little about came up next and Veronika wonders if it will come up again “at the end of recordings” (so the Finale) (I thinks its the storyline of what happened to Emilie)

Very funny Adrien and Plagg moment that has alot of Fanart already -> its cute

right afterwards something “very different” happened and Ezra was SHOOK AF

A “hat thing” came up several times in the whole episode. Its gonna need a voice actor, its new to the story but not a character per se. “Its like a significant character in another characters being” (wtf??)

Once again something “very different” happened and Ezra is delighted and shook part 2

“look at its/his mouth” followed immediatly by a little conversation about hawkmoth winning and that it becomes more and more possible by every passing episode

“Sweet Plagg” Plagg either being normally cute or adorable or hes sweet and sensitive in a bad situation (ITs so THE laTER ONE YALL!!!)

SOMETHING HAPPENED! Ezra was so fucking SHOOK PART 3 that they repeated his high pitched “WHAT???!!?!??!?!?” three times!

Veronika: “How can they do that though! :D”

Ezra: “NOOOOOO WAY!!!!! (°ロ°)

Veronika: “What are they gonna do? :D”

Ezra: “There he goes! D:”

She was smiling and so excited and he dead ass sat beside her this close to having a mental breakdown (like I said this glorious man was a whole ass mood this entire video)

It seems something so massive happened that Ezra yelled: “The series is over! How can we have a Series if THAT happened? We dont have a Series if THAT. JUST. HAPPENED!!!!”

The only thing massive enough to end the series is Hm getting the ultimate power in one way or another. (everything else from reveal to betrayal and death is just an obstical to overcome in the plot, but Hm getting the ultimate power is presented to us as instand game over!) And with the little context we got from them from just moments before it seems to actually fit?? WTF??? In the episode I’m trying to put together with the context here it seemes that through Kwami buster Hawkmoth has got both Plagg and Tikki and was able to power up through them without getting the ultimate power just yet because for that he needs the jewellery to channel the powers. So I guess now Hm would only need Lbs and Cns empty jewellery so he cant combine them and game over.

Both Veronika and Ezra are just seriously loosing it (but most of all him)

“look how giant it is!” “And much bigger!” implying that we say whatever they talk about smaller before (for some reason my mind immediatly went to the giant butterly Hawkmoth head in the “origins”)

They are confused about how something (important) works

Something is there that we have seen in another episode before (1 Episode? Not sure but it has to be something rarely seen) + they are confused by it

something hilarious happened

a new ship can be merged in this episode (Maybe Marinette and Adrien with other Miraculous’? Maybe this is where we’ll get Dragonbug and Snake Noir because at some point later in the episode they would have to get Tikki and Plagg back making DB and SN possible)

The puns (in english) are WILD

Someone is being very courageous

it seems to feel like a classic Ml episode but with so many new elements. Not something we’ve seen before and I believe them! :D)

Ezra screams Part 8 + “That thing is dangerous!”

“How are they gonna- (stop him/it/whatever?)” <- Veronika

“How are they gonna, THEY DONT HAVE A WAY!” <- Ezra

Ezra screams part 9

Ezra gets to do something in the episode and I dunno what

“Thats when that happpens??” -> Veronika

“He wants that!” -> Ezra

A character we have seen more of this season is in this episode too

they fucking CLAPPED saying “finally, yes!” but it seems to be about something commen because Veronika seems to do it every time she wrapps up an episode

Adriens fucking parfume ad on a bench and neither of them remeber the words (SHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAME)

Hawkmoth moment + hilarious Hawky impression by Ezra saying “Ladybug and Cat Noir”

Hm and probably Lb and Cn are inside it/something

There is a weird noise but is has a purpose

a thing is “hUngry”

Ezra and Veronika a little shook part 10

“Thats so sad! :D” -> Veronika (I fucking love that woman xD)

“Dont do it! D:” -> Ezra concerned af

But “he” wont do it. Veronika and Ezra are relieved

Both doing Cataclysm impressions

Ezra being our very own Ladybug and being very passionate about her catchphrase lines (”Miraculous LadybuuuUUUUUUUUUUUUUUG!! (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧ )

THEY POUND IT! :D

He asks her if she knows a character near the end (she does) so I’m taking from that that there is an important new character coming up in future

huge episode for 3 characters

Ezra repeats, one plagg moment was adorable

SHOOK PART 11

“Thats a huge reveal!” <- Ezra. “Unless he takes it back or she refuses" (my bets are on Gabriel revealing himself to be Hawkmoth to Tomoe. The contract they made in the beginning of the season, their growing partnership and some of Tomoes words in “Ikari Gozen” make me highly suspicious for what the future holds. Her knowing him to be Hawkmoth and that their partnership turns out to be more twisted than we though wouldnt surprise me, if anthing i would be PUMPED for it!)

It’ll (probably)be a huge thing in s4

something happened that reminded Ezra of karate kid

someone is in a disguise and Veronika laughs

Cliffhanger that Ezra describs as “dark”

no classroom episode, no ther students. “This was like to the heart of the matter of the miraculous powers and hat they can do and finding out things that we have no idea they could do and it opens up the lens and shows you more of this world and how dark it CAN be!” <- Ezra

#Miraculous #Miraculous Ladybug #Ml leaks #Ml spoilers

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birdlingstarot · 4 years

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hi dear birdling!! if it’s possible, can i ask how i was like in my past life? just curious! thank youu -y💕

Hello 🌻 y💕!

A little birdie told me this 🕊

What represents you in the past life? The Child

Immediately, we could tell that you are a young soul in your past life, to put it into human age, it would be like a young teen. You were confused yet had this lonely and serene feeling. Likely, you are intuitive in your past life and though young, knew much more intuitively wise.

You could had felt alienated in your past life due to your high level intuition. In addition, you might had troubles identifying your emotions and how you should feel in your past life as you wished to be like the others. However, it felt that you, yourself felt that you had not have succeeded with the people around your age.

You could had been an older sister in your family - either the only child or the oldest, you could have had one or two younger sisters. I also felt that you could had been born from a lower-middle class family. Your family consists of your grandparents, parents and one to three children, likely all female.

You had good relationships with the elderly, especially female elderly, likely your grandmother. Your grandmother could had been the one to fill in the motherly or parental figure in your past life due to both your parents working. I felt that in your past life, you could had felt only close to your grandmother.

You were a quiet person to others, introverted. However, you possessed a child-like curiosity. In fact, you had been questioning yourself as to why the world, society and people work the way they were. It felt that you had an ideal world in your mind on how the world, society and people should work, with kindness, honesty etc.

As you grew older, the questions had not stopped and in fact, you had continued questioning them, holding on to your ideal world and feeling helpless to change the life and environment around you to become closer to your ideal.

I felt that you had volunteered in your past life, especially either in the elderly home or the orphanage. You were likely an empath in your past life and that you had a naturally nurturing personality.

You might not have given birth to your own children but took care of an orphanage. Either that or you had adopted children. Note: childREN.

One area you had trouble with other than your emotions were from peer pressure. I felt that you are a people pleaser, thus there are many times where you had done something for others unwillingly, though nothing illegal.

The environment you were born in in your past life were like that of a village, those wooden / straw huts - similar to Kampung Village. It has a hot climate.

You could had been born in July or the 7th of a month.

How does others perceive you in your past life? Wild Woman

Generally, you had an unique direction that you take in your past life. Not in the way that you pursue an uncommon path but the way you do things and find joy in them.

Others felt that you had a very different view of the world and due to your child-like wonder, they felt that some actions that you had performed were out of the blue, such as playing a game by yourself or just having fun during farming.

You could had been working in a farm, planting crops by hand and taking care of farm animals, though your main job is taking care of crops.

People can’t seem to understand you and some felt that you had your head in the cloud. However, that is just your nature. This had came about due to the things you say and your intuition which is uncommon in your area, as well as your reaction to certain situations. (You pure child)

You were able to find beauty in things and areas that others could not or couldn’t be bothered about, which made you sad. Since, why live a life where nothing is beautiful???

They felt that they could not control you and that you were out of their reach. There are quite a few that admire you and the nature of you that is just so otherworldly to them. They wanted to get a taste of the joy you feel from mundane tasks, see the beauty that you found which they were unable to.

To them, you were a dancer with your own, unique rhythm, far out of their reach yet so mesmerizing.

Some felt that they were unworthy to be by your side and so leads to three different style of coping with that - Ignoring, Being your friend and Backstabber that spread rumors about you behind your back.

I felt that you had a male life partner with you that had felt inadequate beside you. He loved you and had held you in high regards that he felt that he wasn’t enough for you. In fact, he had an insecurity of you leaving him for someone better than him. He is very shy, stuttering and becoming slightly clumsy in front of you.

Kind of like:

You - It’s hot today, do you want a drink? I can go and buy some.

Him - NONO IT’S OKAY!! I’LL BUY FOR YOU and proceeds to literally walk to a nearby home that sells snacks and drinks, leaving you sitting on a rock or seat somewhere

Him - SH*T! I DIDN’T ASK HER WHAT SHE WANTED!!!! AHHHHH!!!! and proceeds to buy like 5 different bottles of drink and some snacks for the both of you, coming back to you with an apologetic look

He always wants to take care of you although he might not had been the beefiest. (He was kind of skinny… slightly taller than you but skinny) (You love him though ;) ) (Why are yall so cute???)

You enjoyed the nature in your past life, such as taking walks and being lowkey super enthusiastic, especially with flowers, fruits and smol animals, especially birds. You could had wished to be a bird in your past life, to feel free yet secure with your flock.

Kind of like:

You see a flower.

You, Internally, - OMG! THAT’S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL FLOWER? WHERE DOES IT COME FROM?? …

You, Externally, - Straight face, unmoving in the middle of the pavement or road.

(Though your man knows you like them!! He just looks at your shining eyes and just feel so soft inside. He will totally push you to taking a closer look if it’s safe while you try to convince him that both of you can continue since it’s not a big deal, but he just wants to see your face light up. Will try to pluck or buy the same flowers for you as soon as possible to surprise you.)

(This is straight out of left field but I feel that both you are afraid of cockroaches. Both of you would be screaming and crying on top of the couch but he will try to destroy that offender with a slipper albeit being scared and jumpy. Will scream with you and hug you on top of the couch why it flies or starts moving) (He’s trying his best) (You love him though)

Others feel that you are good with your hands. You could had a handicraft hobby, like making bracelets, charms, etc. which people love to look at, because aesthetic. It was due to you being more detailed-oriented than time-orientated. (You likely don’t feel that is true but it is 🙄)

In front of strangers or acquaintances, you had a very strong guard over your emotions, which led to you doing things unwillingly and had to endure though.

However, with people you were close to, you were very honest with them regrading your emotions. It felt that you had a small group of close friends, ranging from 3 to 5, and likely to be all females.

How do you perceive yourself in your past life? Soul Retrieval

Due to the fact that you felt lost in your past life, you were on a path of self-discovery. You felt that you did not belong where you live and was in search of your home, your identity, your self and your soul.

In fact, you look towards the past for that. To put it in metaphorical terms, look at the card of Soul Retrieval, you are a butterfly that keeps looking back to the cocoon that you had escaped from and searching for the caterpillar inside.

You take what others say about you very seriously and this could had caused you to become even more confused about the answer that you were searching for. Metaphorically speaking, are you a butterfly? or are you a bird?

Looking at the card, the sun in the background does not look to be a real sun but a fake sun. This comes to me as that you are looking and were guided to look for the answers at the wrong place.

Ask yourself. What is the significance of the answer to you? Do you really need the answers to the questions you are asking? How would it benefit you? Are your questions pushing yourself to bettering yourself or limiting yourself?

You had a tendency to question if what you are doing is right and needed someone to back you up that you are doing right. You gain confidence from what others tell you, which could be troubling in the long run. This could had carried on to your current life as to need a safety net for your every actions and not having confidence in your abilities.

Instead of searching your past, you should direct yourself to searching your heart. What do you truly feel? What do you truly want? Your image of your heart should not depicts what others say about what they want from you. This had been or still is a painful road for you but you should endure through it as what you would gain along the journey and at the end would be very fulfilling to you.

In fact, be truly like the Wild Woman, to be comfortable in your own skin. Be confident in yourself that others’ opinions don’t matter as much. Find what truly makes you you, makes you happy. Don’t feel discouraged by the nonconformity that you are but strut it.

This is probably not the best way to say it but we would all die one day, might as well live a life that makes you the happiest. Who cares if people think you’re crazy? That’s also a way to human.

Some of the questions here and the way you feel from these three questions could had carried on in your current life. The best way to describe is similar to unresolved karma.

What had you learnt in your past life? Is This Me?

Great news! You had learnt part of your identity of yourself. However, I feel that this journey had yet to be fully completed. You had learnt to be confident in some parts of yourself but not all, which leads to you still feeling quite insecure in your current life. You are hesitant in fighting for yourself as you do not fully have confidence in yourself. In fact, you might even had a tendency to let people walk over you but you’re learning! Therefore, you might be able to hold your ground more in your current life than your previous life! Good job!!

I’m not very worried as it seemed that you had a clear idea of what you are striving for within yourself and is able to clearly see what other people offer to you, both the negative and positive. This is part of the reason as to why you are able to be more firm in your standing as you have a strong logic to back up your reasoning and actions.

This does not mean that you are not an empath, in fact, you have very high emphatic ability. It just means that you closer to achieving a balance between being an empath and not being one. In your past life, you were very emotionally drained by the people around you or those that seeks you out due to your nurturing aura. You could be dealing with similar situations in your current life that emotionally drains you but it’s better compared to your past life. Keep it up!

There could be a battle between your intuition and root of yourself with your heart regarding this issue. As a part of you wants to help the other party as much as you could while the other part of you knows how it will end for you and/or the other party. This is something that you were struggling with in your past life which could also bring forth into your current life. However, I am seeing that you would learn to trust your intuition more and learn to fight for yourself to ensure that you are in a better state of mind.

As you would know that the best person to help an unstable person is a stable one. If you would like to help someone, ask yourself if you are in a ground stable enough to deal with the quake the other person might bring. If you are unstable as well, it’s going to be an earthquake and basically sh*t will go wrong, resulting in hurt for both of you.

You have a vulnerable yet strong feminine energy that you could further energize in your current life. To put it in a simpler form is that you have the potential to become a strong, independent feminine entity that is comfortable with her vulnerability which is very charming yet hard to achieve but you have a great potential in that! So no worries!

Don’t worry about the tears and pain of the journey. In fact, you would be able to learn from them. This is also part of the charm of the feminine entity, to rise not below nor above, but the rise with the tears and pain which had incorporate with who you are.

Since you learn to rise with the tears and pain, this helps to keep you grounded and keep your kind heart open to others, which is beautiful.

Three areas of her identity that you had learnt in your past life:

1. Frog Spirit; Clear out the clutter

Straightforward, isn’t it. You learnt to be able to identity what you need and what you don’t as well as to rid yourself of the parts that you do not need in your life.

You had learnt in your past life how to word your sentences so that people were not offended by you. In fact, you are able to show your empathy through your words, tone and way of speaking. This also helps you in clearing out what you do not require in your life at that moment as likely, you would be able to end terms on a neutral or high note.

This would had carried on to your current life that you are able to word your sentences kindly and that you have a low possibility to hurt others with your words unknowingly.

You had also learnt to align what you speak and believe, which result in a strong backbone in how people are able to perceive and feel that what you say to them are genuine which allows you the ability to both help and mend relationships. In your current life, you could find yourself being able to mend relationships you thought were impossible as well.

Your heart chakra is very strong and is very open! You may be a predominantly heart chakra person.

2. Electric Eel Spirit; Bring your ideas to life

You had learnt to make your ideal a reality. This also back up the fact that you have a way with words that is able to charge the areas around you and change the current to what you want.

However, be careful as to becoming too cunning with your words to get people to do what you want as people would realise sooner or later that you are not genuine which would become disadvantageous to you. Paralyzing and poisoning your relationship with others.

In fact, with your words, you are able to slip out of many difficult situation.

In addition, you had learnt to work well under slight pressure or changes in situation as to not become stagnant. However, you might not be able to do well under very high pressure so do note to take care of yourself and release stress. In fact, what you listen to could really help you in this area. If you are feeling particularly stressed, you might want to listen to slow and soft music or sounds and vice versa if you are feeling particularly stagnant.

Similar to how the card is portrayed, you work well in situations with a little spark.

3. Dolphin Spirit; This and that are true

You had learnt that there are multiple truths to a situation and accepted that. To explain this better, if you were to put a cup on a table and asked which side is the handle on, people standing around the table would have different answers and they are all correct.

Knowing this fact, you are able to accept different situations and views of others easier than others. This had also help you accept yourself and bring light into what was once dark and unknown to you. This might had become something that you intuitively know.

In addition, this had helped you heal past scars.

In fact, you would intuitively know how to kindly word a sentence to tell someone and even if you had to burst their bubble, you would be able to word your sentences that would minimise the negative impact of bursting the bubble for others.

What is something that you had not yet completely learnt that had been brought forth into your current life? Temperance

In your past life, you had not yet completely learnt to balance things in your life, which is likely referring how you perceived yourself and your empathy.

You have trouble refusing to help others and tend to let others overwhelm you with their issues, which could lead to them using you as an emotional punching bag.

You had yet to set a good balance between helping others and helping yourself. Please remember that you do not own others anything and that you are not obliged to help them.

Remember that you, yourself is someone that needs help sometimes and that you should help others when it helps you as well. Not well it affects you to the point of emotionally draining you.

You should learnt to be limiting of who you let enter your comfort. To protect the little home you have within yourself that makes you feel safest and relaxed. You, yourself, is a sacred place for yourself and others, if others and even you do not respect that, you are bound to get hurt.

You are able to intuitively know when something’s amiss so trust that and work on it. You should deal with the weeds as soon as possible to the sacred garden within you.

Similar to the lady in the card, you do not need to show full empathy to others. Trust your intuition and decide if you were to open the door to your little comfy home to others.

Another area that you had yet to completely learn in your past life is being able to emotionally support yourself.

Currently, you are like a daisy, you need water (emotions) from others regularly to identity yourself.

Instead, you should learn to be like a catus who can go for a long time without water (emotions) from others.

This might be referring to a need for others to regularly validate you. Instead of turning to others for to validate yourself, you should learnt to validate yourself. This would build up the confidence to stand firm in your ground.

In addition, like the catus, have small spikes that protect yourself from others. You do not need to shoot your spikes if they are at a comfortable distance away, only when they get too close for your comfort. To put it plainly, is to set a boundary for yourself and others and abide by it.

Similar to a plant, you would be ever-changing. At different situation of you life, you can change the set boundaries.

What is your current situation? What is your current health? What are you willing to put up with? What are you NOT willing to put up with?

These are some questions you would need to ask prior to diving into helping others.

Is there anything you would like to tell me regarding 🌻 y💕 ‘s past life? Vertigo; Whatever you choose will be correct

You might be too concerned with what happened in your past.

In fact, we are telling you that you do not have to worry too much about your route from the past life or in this current life as everything you choose would be correct.

This could apply to your current life as it seems that you are trying to get more information to make a decision. We are telling you that everything will be okay. Whether you choose a well-walked path or a path that no one walked before, your choice is correct.

To be confident in yourself as you have many opportunities for you to take. Even if one particular path is blocked or disappeared in your life, there are still others. To not worry as the divine spirit guides are protecting you and helping you through.

In addition, every situations have more than infinity ways to handle and that each of them are correct. If you choose to help? It’s the correct action. If you choose not to? Yeap, it’s correct.

Overall, you are a young empath that is trying to get through life in both your past and current life. In fact, you current self is closer to how you are in your past life than you might think!

We hope this had helped you, 🌻 y💕!

For now, the little birdie shall return home 🏡 ~ Ring our doorbell whenever!

Rest well 💤 ~

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koncreates · 4 years

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this is a real question and not trying to be mocking, feel free to not post if u dont want and discourse ((if this counts as it)) but is it transphobic to not want to date//have a sexual relationship a, lets say a transwomen, while being a lesbian because youre not... attracted to dick? if that makes sense? not that youre denying shes a women, but u dont like dick? im sorry if this is wrong. im just wondering

I am extremely not an authority on this since I neither have a penis nor am a lesbian, and I will be honest that this ask sounds a fuckton like bait to get me to say something transphobic or lesbophobic. But, like a fool hoping that it is a genuine question and giving you the benefit of the doubt, I’m going to do my level best to answer it for you!

Just to set the record straight: i’m a transmasc dude who does not experience sexual attraction or desire, in a relationship with a nonbinary person who DOES experience sexual attraction and desire. While that’s... almost the exact opposite of what you’re asking about, I think there’s potential that i can offer a little insight.

First of all: People should be romantically (i.e. wanting to date, if you experience romantic attraction) people to you first and foremost, not genitals. Personality traits and hobbies and quirks and favorite colors and the sound of a laugh and the look of a smile, not a penis or vagina.

If you meet a girl and you like to hang out with her, and want to date her, but learn she is transgender and immediately recoil and lose all the attraction or positive feeling you had for her based on her personality, looks, interests, ect before knowing intimate details such as her genitalia or medical history, then yes, I would say that is transphobic. (Bolded for ease of TLDR)

She wasn’t fooling you with being trans. You were attracted to her just the same way you would be attracted to a cis person. The fact that she didn’t start a conversation with “Hello, I have a penis actually” is exactly the same as how you don’t start conversations with “Hello, I don’t shave my pubic hair actually” or “Hello, I have a genetic predisposition to strokes from my mother’s side of the family.” It is intimate information that you don’t usually share unless you are close with someone and believe you can trust them.

HOWEVER. The act alone of not wanting to have sex with a penis does not make you transphobic. I will talk more on this a bit further down.

Now here’s a pitfall I think people fall in to a lot: If you find someone unattractive because of their looks, personality, politics, or whatever reason you are not attracted to them, you aren’t required to date them. You don’t have to give a reason why you don’t want to date them, and it’s generally seen as the right thing to do that if someone who does not fit your standards of attractive asks you out, you politely turn them down. You should never feel pressured into any relationship, and if anyone hounds you for an answer as to why you don’t want to date, that’s on them. If you don’t know someone/don’t like their personality/don’t feel romantically attracted to them, you are not required to date them!

Nobody is required to find any one thing attractive, but boiling a person’s entire identity down to what is in their pants is in essence dehumanizing. An intersex girl might have a dick as well, would you feel the same way when you found out, or is it the transgender title that gets to you? I’m not trying to be accusatory, but it’s a very important factor to think about.

If your only reason to not date someone is “she’s trans” it does still make you transphobic. If this is the case, I really encourage you to think about why exactly you believe this. If, according to all your other standards, you would date her, why does her being transgender matter to you?

From the letter of your ask, it sounds like you would be fine dating a girl if she had bottom surgery. That’s intimate knowledge that you would probably only learn after dating her for a while or at the very least being friends with her for longer. Would her status of having had surgery or not having had surgery affect your feelings for her? I’m not saying that she would or should keep being trans a secret from you for a long time during dating, but the main takeaway here is “Would you feel revolted immediately just by hearing her say she was trans? Would you be constantly wondering about if she had or hadn’t gotten surgery?”

I Hope this next section will be very helpful to answering your question and hopefully easing some of your fears about dating a trans person.

There is a lot more to dating than having sex, and there’s a lot more to sex than genital on genital contact! You can go on dates and can enjoy each other’s company, you can have long talks and get sentimental, you can go out to dinner and watch lights on the water by the beach. There is plenty to a relationship that is not sexual, and even without being asexual I think it’s an important thing to make sure you don’t form a relationship souly on the basis of sexual actions.

With that being said, there are plenty of sexual things you can do that don’t require penis-in-vagina contact? If her penis makes you uncomfortable by existing (and if she’s dysphoric, she might feel similarly), it’s a conversation that you should have when you get to that point in your relationship. If after dating her for a while yall decide to have sex, you should discuss ways that don’t involve penetration and don’t involve you giving her oral and, just like in any other relationship, it’s important to express boundaries. You can figure out toys that you enjoy using on her, you can find toys you enjoy when she uses on you. You can figure out plenty of ways to satisfy each other that do not involve touching her penis and either making you uncomfortable or her dysphoric. It just takes communication.

Most trans people (including myself) are ready and open for conversations like this from our significant others. We want happy relationships, and we know that requires communication. I don’t think your girlfriend is going to react to you saying “I’m uncomfortable with the idea of penetration/touching your penis” with rage and vitriol. She shouldn’t, in fact. It’s the same as if I said to my partner “I’m uncomfortable with the idea of you eating me out”. It’s a boundary that you should share and that she should listen to.

If you’ve been together for (however long it takes you to want to sleep with someone you date) you should both be comfortable enough with each other to act like the adults you are and have a conversation with one another.

If any transwomen following me have something to add on or correct me on, please feel free. Like I said, I’m a transman, and my experiences are vastly different from what theirs might be. I am absolutely not a scholarly source to get information from. I’m just, quite literally, some guy. These are just my opinions based on what I’ve seen said by transwomen and lesbians. To get a better perspective on this, you should really find a transwoman to ask off anon.

I tried to be general and think about this from the perspective of if it were “My boyfriend is uncomfortable with me having a vagina”, but there is a lot of room for error there as well. So again, transwomen and NB people with dicks and trans lesbians and cis lesbians with trans girlfriends please feel free to add on your take and personal perspective!!

Also TERFs/SWERFs/RADFEM/Transphobes do NOT fucking touch this post or get blocked on sight.

Trumeds should also watch their step because i do not take kindly to your exclusion.

#asks #anons #lgbt #trans #transphobia #cw #transphobic #ask to tag #kizza speaks #long post #anonymous

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crimsonredemption · 5 years

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Your take on the gang as Disney princes/heroes etc?

okay, this is my jam! @arthurs-atonement helped me with a few of these! Thanks bby! Please feel free to add more! Yall this is gonna be a long post!

Van der Linde boys and girls as Disney’s heroes/heroines

Notes: This is completely random, sometimes I just go with the general vibes from the characters, sometimes the storyline, etc. I think I saw a post by @redemptionbaby weeks ago talking about this but I can baaaarely remember it??

Arthur Morgan: Captain Phoebus (The Hunchback of notre dame) honestly I just kinda think they have quite a bit in common. They’re strong, trustworthy, kind and caring. Even though they both value loyalty, they decide to go against the wishes and orders of their superior, in order to do the right thing and follow their heart. Also, I could just easily see Arthur falling for Esmeralda or someone of her caliber.

Javier Escuella: Eugene Fitzherbert aka Flynn Rider (Tangled) We all know of Javier's past as a thief, and I love the idea of Javier climbing up a tower in hopes of finding a treasure only to be greeted by a woman who just smacks him with a frying pan, he would also almost definitely try to help her escape as well, he has a big soft heart. Javier and Flynn are both kinda vain so I could absolutely imagine Javier being unhappy with his wanted posters “THIS LOOKS NOTHING LIKE ME”

Charles Smith: Hercules They’re both very big, strong and soft boys/men who actually really only wanna help those in need. Charles, as well as Hercules, takes on a lot of responsibility. While Hercules does that because he thinks it’s his duty as a hero, Charles does it out of love for the ones he cares about and the goodness of his heart. I’m not tryna say Hercules doesn’t have a good heart u know what I mean ALso I wouldn’t mind seeing Charles in Hercules outfit thank you

Dutch van der Linde: John Smith (Pocahontas) I see some similarities here between those two men, mainly their very fastly shifting priorities. They both are very quick to be fire and flames for something or someone, but it doesn’t take long for them to lose interest. Their priorities change and if those who are close to them do not share their visions, they abandon them. John left Pocahontas in the movies and never answered her letters, or got back to her. Later on, he decides he would just rather sail the world, instead of spending his life with her and when she tells him that she has responsibilities that she can’t run from, he leaves her behind. Dutch also leaves those who love him behind in the end.

Emma (@arthurs-antonement) says that Gaston is also a very good fit for Dutch, and I agree! While I don’t think Dutch is AS vain as Gaston, he definitely has those tendencies. Much like Gaston, Dutch thinks he’s doing the right thing, and it gets to a point where he doesn't listen to reason anymore which more or less leads to his death.

Lenny Summers: Aladdin Lenny is a young, inexperienced boy who relies on guidance from the people who surround him and who he looks up to. Both are parentless and thus so crave a place to belong, a better life even. Aladdin is brave, fast on his feet, loyal and also very smart and mischievous; somehow all these fit Lenny perfectly in my opinion?

Kieran Duffy: Milo Thatch (The lost empire of Atlantis) Okay we know Milo’s biggest asset is his intellect, it’s what get him to join the expedition to Atlantis in the first place. He’s academically trained, which of course is nothing Kieran can say for himself? But none of the gang members can really, so whatcha gonna do. What I love about Kieran is that he’s so incredibly loyal to those he loves, he fights for what he thinks is right. He’s shy and introverted, and so is Milo. They don’t believe they have much to give but that’s so far from the truth, and those who truly get to know them will see that they’re willing to give their all to the right cause.

Mary-Beth Gaskill: Ariel (The little mermaid) Mary-Beth is a true romantic at heart, and I just know she would have liked the original story of the little mermaid by Hans-Christian Anderson, even though it ends tragically. But we’re with Disney now so, yeah. She’s young, headstrong, loves to daydream, and likes the thrill of adventure. Who am I describing? Is it Mary-Beth? Is it Ariel? We’ll never know. I also can see Mary-Beth actually selling something vital to an evil witch in exchange for a chance to be with her one true love.

Hosea Matthews: Mufasa (The Lion King) Another suggestion from Emma, which I’m so thankful for because it fits perfectly!! He’s a father figure to Arthur, as much as Mufasa is a father to Simba. Hosea sees through Arthur in a heartbeat and tells him to stay true to himself and to the cause, the real one. Mufasa also reminds Simba to remember who he is and to stay true to his heart.

John Marston: Prince Eric (The Little Mermaid) I gotta be honest with you guys I thought long and hard about Johnny M. and I know it doesn’t fit perfectly, but??? I would go with Eric???? I can just perfectly imagine John at the beach, being rescued by someone with a beautiful voice and falling in love instantly, just to be fooled later on because someone else has that exact same voice but looks nothing like the woman who saved him? He’s a little dumb but has a good heart, they both do.

I also thought about Jack Skellington, someone who wants to escape their current situation because it’s getting unbearable. But it doesn’t work out and he has to fall back into old patterns, into his old life. Also really resonates with Johns life, I think.

Molly O’Shea: Duchess (The Aristocats) Literally the first thing that came to my mind was the Duchess, whose life has been turned upside down the moment she met this charming stray who shows her the world outside of her guarded home. Molly fell for an outlaw and abandoned her wealthy life for the chance of love, but it turned out to be only a shadow of what she hoped to get. The end of Aristocats is, of course, a happy one.

Tilly Jackson: Rapunzel (Tangled) Okay can I just say that I adore the visuals here? Tilly sitting in the frame of her window, a book in her hand and an increeeedibly long braid falling down the side of the tower??? Aside from that, Rapunzel's story reminded me a little bit of Tilly. She was “imprisoned” in a gang for a significant amount of time until she freed herself and found a life and a family that loves her. Kinda like Tilly, who was “imprisoned” in her former camp and found Dutch his gang, who protected and cared for her.

Abigail Marston: Nani (Lilo and Stitch) It actually took me a while to think of a good mother figure...I suppose Disney is notoriously ignoring mothers, or often have them as the villains. While of course Nani isn’t Lilo’s mother, she slips into the role of a parent after their actual parents died. She’s impulsive, and chronically overwhelmed and stressed (but duh she’s not that old herself of course she’s stressed) but also very loving and understanding. Abigail shares all these traits I think!

Sadie: Merida (Brave)They’re both very headstrong, impulsive and independent. If they put their mind to something, you can be sure that they’re gonna try to make it happen - whatever it takes.

#rdr2 #red dead redemption 2 #arthur morgan #this took me forever and a day #disney #dont come for me guys I tried #long post #my writing

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92jlo-blog · 4 years

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My 2019 Journey

The purpose of this blog is to share my journey throughout 2019. It was one of the hardest years I have yet to experience. Not financially, nor physically, but mentally. In January, I entered the University of the Incarnate Word’s Master of Science in Organizational Development and Learning. Not many people understand what the degree entails. It is a psychology in science but for business. There are theories that explain why people behave a certain way in the workplace and it’s a study of people in general in the workplace. They also go into detail on how to manage and be aware of behaviors, as well as how to manage change.

Anyways, I thought I would mention that because I am often asked what my degree is in. As mentioned, in January I began the master’s program at UIW. I was excited to start the program, but I was also scared. I have been in school since I was in pre-k and I was mentally exhausted from school even though I took a semester off between my undergrad and grad school. I knew I could do it because I’m very disciplined. I was also working full-time, 45 hours a week. I was six months into my fulltime job. Mind you, this is my first full time job in three years. I had already been struggling with work-life balance before I entered grad school, taking on a fulltime job. Going into grad school, I told myself, “I got this”, “I can do it”, “it’s only a year”. No big deal, right? Wrong. A little before mid-year, I began to feel different. A version of ‘different’ I could not describe. At the time, I did not know what it was. I thought I was just in a funk and would come out of it. I didn’t. As time passed, I realized I was struggling because of work-school-girlfriend-daughter-cousin-friend-granddaughter balance. I divided my time as much as I could. I would wake up to go to work, then go to school or do homework every day after work, catch up with family and friends, and make time for my boyfriend. I felt okay with trying to divide my time equally, not realizing I was burnt out. I saw my boyfriend, cousins, friends enjoying life from traveling, going out, relaxing, living life without me, not intentionally. I had other obligations and goals that I could not enjoy those moments with them. It was eating me up inside because I believe time with loved ones is more important than any job or school. Others would tell me how proud they were of me and encourage me to keep going. In the back of my mind, I thought, all of you guys are living life and happy, while I work and give up time to focus on my studies. I understood my position and goals, but it was hard to watch everyone around me.

Mid-year approaches. I am still struggling but managing to hang on and get through life day by day. During this time my boyfriend and I started to question our future plans. I will not go into detail because it is not information, I am comfortable sharing. But I will tell you guys that our issues had to do with personal goals, and future plans that we have a difference in opinions on. After this bump in the road we overcame, reality set in. I thought, I’m still recovering the differences in opinions in my relationship, time will pass, and I will be fine! A month later, I found myself feeling unsure, but at this point I was stressed, overwhelmed and down. I was sure about my future, I was sure what direction I wanted my relationship to go in, I was on my way to getting my masters. What more could I need to fulfill my happiness?

Beginning of September, I realized I was in a depression. I would drive to work, unhappy, no music playing, thoughts running through my head. I would leave work, get in my car, and tears would pour down my face. Throughout the past months, I was spending more and more time away from my boyfriend, who I adored, and family and friends I loved. I felt alone. Nobody knew it, because I told nobody, I showed no sign of sadness, I kept it hidden. I saw this as a weakness and did not feel comfortable sharing this. I’ve known of many people around me to go through depression, but I thought, no way not me.

I felt disconnected from everyone and everything. I was physically present, but my mind was in a dark place. Insecurity sunk in. Insecurity has always been a struggle I have had because of past experiences. I have always kept my love life private, by choice and because my significant other felt the same way. I then thought I no longer want to have that much privacy; I want to embrace the love I have for my relationship. I thought this would help me be less insecure. I left it alone because I knew my mental health was a bigger issue, but it still bothered me enough to get upset and get sad about it when I thought about it often. I think my insecurity led me to wanting to remove the complete privacies of my relationship, because I wanted to feel as if someone were proud to be devoted to their relationship not that he didn’t on our own time. I needed that fulfillment at the time, but do not believe it would have changed my mental state, insecurity was just one factor contributing to mt depression.

Time had passed, I was still managing the dark place I was in, nobody was aware. I put on a smile and got through each day, one day at a time. Mid October had now approached and there was another bump in my relationship. Once again, I will not go into detail on the backstory, but minor information will be given to better understand that place I was in. My boyfriend and I took time apart to figure things out. During that time, I reflected back on this past year and my relationship. My boyfriend and I did not spend very much time together, he worked nights and I worked during the day and I had school and studying to do. I let him pretty much do what he needed to do to succeed in his career. I was often told that I my relationship was ‘different’ (not in a good way) and I was the “cool girlfriend” because he could life his life. I never thought much of it because I was doing the exact same thing, but my focus was on school. Which is a lot more socially acceptable than his career choice. I felt I gave my all in the relationship and did what I could to make him happy. We struggled during these couple of weeks. My depression hit harder than ever. I felt I wasn’t good enough to start a future with or to even be enough for someone to devote all their time too. Anyways, after reflecting I knew that my boyfriend loved me dearly, but I felt we were not as devoted to our relationship. Was it because we were accustomed to the lifestyle we made? Or was it because our personal goals were too important to one another? Our personal goals did not include each other. It became separate from our relationship. Was it because we were two different people on two different paths? There is not a for sure answer, but we managed to compromise and find a solution. We had identified what was lacking and knew we had to fix it.

Weeks passed by, and to be honest I felt a little relieved. Weight was lifted off my shoulder for a moment. I felt happiness slowly creeping back into my life. I was so hopeful. I was seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, so I thought. I slowly was entering back into my secret depression, as if it never left. I’m still facing the same work life balance; I just had gotten used to it and made it a mental routine. The second bump in the road with my relationship, damaged me mentally. It put me further into depression, although I didn’t know. My insecurity was its highest. I could not wrap my head around what the issue was. Did I have too much on my plate?

Here we are in December, school has ended, graduation is next week. I have definitely improved my mental state. November was the least stressful month I had, and it allowed me time to clear my head and collect my thoughts. I cannot say I am completely out of the depression state, it is still there, but I feel it starting to slowly pass. I’ve come to the conclusion that I need to take care of myself before others. I’ve spent most of my life-giving time and helping and worrying about others that I forgot about myself. I learned it is okay to be selfish sometimes. I’m constantly trying to make up for something that is missing. I have an idea of why I tend to do that, but still unsure if that is truly the reason. I truly believe I was depressed a few months before I finally realized it. At the time, I identified depression with not leaving the house, or not talking to anyone, or just being down most of the time. But it’s not. Everyone has their own way of dealing with it, and I was able to handle it enough by myself. I was fortunate enough, because some people are not able to manage it on their own. I thank god every day because this could have been worse and there are other people who have it harder than I did. I decided to share this because I was so embarrassed to think I was going through depression even if nobody knew. People (like me) who can put on a smile, get through work and school do not always have it together. People (like me) who have their life so organized and planned for the future are not all what they show to be. Life threw so many obstacles my way this year, and people who plan their every move tend to fall apart when something occurs that isn’t in their plan. Lastly, I would never want anyone around me to feel like I did, and my door is always open. Anyone who knows me knows I love to listen; I don’t talk much and sometimes people just need a shoulder to lean on. As for myself, I need to learn to focus on me, and not worry about things and people I cannot change. A whole new chapter is ahead after graduation, I will use December to work on ME. I am grateful for all my loved ones who have stood by me through this journey, and I would have not done it without every single one of yall!!!

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markleetrashh · 5 years

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Nct U + Kun and what they'd get you for christmas

A/N: heyyo,, with christmas around the corner i decided to do this post 💜 i did one each for nct127 & nct dream for the past two years' christmas so i thought why not do it again this year since kun, lucas & jungwoo were added in. a few reactions will be the same for those in the same units and i'll only change up a little so i hope yall dont mind. nonetheless, i hope you'll enjoy and just wanna say (advanced) merry christmas!!

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Taeil:

He isn’t really one with gifts but he knows how much you love them so he’d think of many new and creative ways to surprise you. I feel that he’d give you something weird and unexpected, yet memorable to you to make it special. He'd probably print his own face on shirts/mugs and present it to you confidently, “I’m pretty sure you’d love these”. Would probably also write you a letter full of jokes that aren't that funny and would probably be the weirdest letter you receive. "Merry Christmas, i wrote this letter using my fingers. I hope you like your present, but i think you would find me more pleasant. Love you"

dont @ me i came up with this weird sentences on the spot :")

Taeyong:

A die-hard romantic who’s full of affection and love for you. He’d prefer to give you something more personal and customised, something that holds a significance to the both of you. He’d put a lot of thought about it, and would do it secretly so it’d be a surprise for you. In the end he would decide to get matching bracelets that have both your initials on it and customised to your liking. Would probably also write a super long and emotional letter thanking you for the year and all that. He's just the sweetest :")

Kun:

I feel like rather than getting you a gift, he's more likely to bring you out on a date. I'm talking like maybe a fancy dinner? Like a fancy dress and suit, high class cuisine and you know, just fancy. He'd want you to treat you like a queen on that day (like he doesn't do that already). He'd probably also get you a necklace or jewelry that has cute little pendants on them to make it unique and special.

look me in the eye and tell me, isnt this the cutest thing?

Doyoung:

Like Taeil, he isn’t really the best when it comes to gifts. He’d rather spend the special day with you like spending quality time creating memories, rather than spending it on a gift. Which was why he’d planned out a three day trip vacation away from home just for you, with the intention for you to just enjoy and relax, and of course, to be with you. If he really had to get something, he'd probably get a dress or clothing that he thinks will look good on you.

Ten:

He'd be one that would come up with quirky and creative ideas to make it funny and memorable. He’d also try to find something that is unique and special, something one would least expect for a gift. Which was why he ended up giving you a personalised underwear set, designed and drawn by him. As though it wasn’t weird enough, he brought out his own set, “We have matching underwear now!!”

Jaehyun:

Similar to Taeyong, Jaehyun would prefer something heartfelt and sincere, something that would touch your heart. Weeks before christmas you’d see him sitting in his study room working on something secretive, and whenever you get near he’d shoo you away, saying it was a secret, which made you even more curious. Turns out he filled up a jar with small handwritten notes with sweet words, “I’m glad i met you”, “I want to be with you for christmas every year” etc, which definitely melted your heart. Would also prepare a homecooked meal for you made with full of love.

Winwin:

As someone who isn’t the best at expressing himself, he’d prefer to give you something that he knows you’d like a lot, and that it’d be something you’ll be using frequently too. Which is why he decided on getting you a full pyjamas set (in your favourite colour) and also a huge plush toy big enough to hug. He'd also like to spend the day with you, be it simply having a stay home movie marathon or even having just a stroll in the park.

Jungwoo:

Knowing him, it would probably take him a while to think and figure out what to get for you, because he wants you to like what he gives. He'd probably attempt to make something homemade for you, such as homemade pastries and sweets, as well as jewelry such as earrings. He would also want to spend quality time with you, and would also take lots and lots of pictures just to keep as memories.

Lucas:

I feel like he'd get you something that you can wear and show off, like a pair of shoes, a dress or a bag etc. He would want the gift to make you feel good about yourself and would also want to spoil you with gifts. He'd probably also bring you out on a date and just having fun with you because he loves spending time with you. This big dork would love to make you the happiest person on that day and would do anything for you tbh.

Mark:

Although he doesn't show it often, this sweetheart would get you anything you’ve been eyeing for months. And he’d use the hard earned money he saved for weeks just to surprise you, be it a pair of shoes or a simple piece of clothing, absolutely fully capable mark would get it for you without any hesitation. He'd write a letter full of grateful words for you, and at the same time would include some jokes to make you laugh. Overall, he'd try his best to make you happy on that day.

#nct scenarios #nct reactions #nct u scenarios #nct u reactions #nctwriters #taeil #taeyong #doyoung #ten #kun #nct ten #winwin #jaehyun #mark lee #lucas #nct lucas #jungwoo #nct #nct u

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unproduciblesmackdown · 6 years

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this one for the special club of ppl who have no friends

idk abt yall but even for myself im not sure exactly how long it took me to work out that i was & had been more isolated than the avg person over my life & realizing that the feeling i had since ever being around a group of ppl (preschool) that i couldnt fit in or have more than like, one friend that was mostly defined as “wanted to actually play together at recess or smthing”, was just actually generally true. idk what it is but you know what its like when ppl have some tendency to ignore you. or quietly gain contempt for you because they think you’re weird, which i havent known to stop being true between like 10 yr olds & ppl in their 20s. when ur being talked over even in a group you’re supposed to be in and its like listen. what is going on that this happens so much

anyways when you have no friends its always wild when anyone does show up and actually act like a friend more than like once & show the slightest interest in you as a person. for me though i did have to learn to just not care as much when this happens because its like the sheer math of it all yknow. a person who is used to having like, a more avg number of friends across life is gonna make a friend and be like “oh man awesome” but on the other end of things when u have only a handful of friends and/or little access to friends &/or no close friends, getting a new friend seems way more significant because its like wow this is only 1/18 in my whole life or something. whereas for the other person you are 1/143 idek. not to say that each friend is less important to someone who has more of them. but it is less of a big deal to gain a new one, and a new person theyve just been talking to a bit IS going to be a less important friend

where this is going is just that, never having friends = everyone else being a big deal to you, but you arent a big deal 2 them....a lot of wondering why you always like ppl more than they like you. in my experience its not fun so, with the motivation to stop feeling terrible over that repeated revelation, and also figuring out that its because being so isolated / having few to no Reeeaalll Friends = valuing new friends way more than they value you, rather than just that everyone definitely hates you....i personally have tried to stop caring less about getting the opportunity to talk to new people.

thats not to say i dont enjoy it or value it or like the people i talk to.....i do enjoy it, im a social person in my own way, and i appreciate it when it happens b/c i dont consistently have conversations with anyone. i just don’t get excited abt a potential friendship or expect to ever reach what feels like a real & solid friendship w anyone. i have picked up a few ppl in the past like 5 yrs i do consider friends but its always taken a while to get there.

its kind of funny because like i said i AM kind of social & i do really care about people i get to grow a bit close to.......there is definitely plenty of ppl i dislike right away & have the opposite interest as being friends with them....but when i do like ppl, idk, i like to try to support them and be nice to them and be there for them in the usually tiny ways i can.....i love to talk to people actually. in person when im actually comfortable, i can actually come off a bit overly talkative....i can be energetic when i’m happy & i do have a lot to say about things sometimes but usually only in my head. even typing it out is difficult b/c i can only type so fast, especially with a phone. but in other situations i can have trouble actually getting my voice to come out at all, or i choose not to speak at all b/c i dont want to. or when im frustrated i dont want to talk for a moment but thats generally because there is no one around i want to talk to about it. i can talk abt something for hrs....and it is of course extra special to me b/c i dont get to be around ppl i like talking to them that often

idk and i like to do nice things for friends when i can......i dunno. i do like people. i can be pretty choosy about who i hang on to, i might only have a select group of friends even if i wasnt isolated; but still....theres a lot of people in the world. even being picky about it, you could have a huge friend group

little tangent i dont trust trying to make friends in groups at all really lol.....like even if you’re friends with someone who’s in a bigger friend group. i might cautiously give ppl a chance just b/c of the good endorsement but ive also had bad times w it. and often like, even ppl i all individually like, to be in a group w everyone is to realize that my way of socializing means im a lot of times off on the tangents and it just makes it clear that there’s a whole Thing going on in the middle that you’re not at all involved in. and then there’s ongoing Things that nobody lets you in on and its like alright i guess i’ll do my own thing that nobody’s interested in. idk and its happened that i’ll be in a group and again just like....not be even noticed physically and its like. feels great man

anyways i guess theres general things about Friendship that i feel i miss out on, on account of never experiencing it

like ive never felt like i had someone i’d tell anything to, not even collectively, like i have three Things to tell & maybe i cant tell anyone all three but i know three ppl i’d tell one of each to

ive also never quite felt like i’d always have someone to talk to just in general......or been in the situation where if i wanted to go out and do something w someone i knew i could find someone to go w me.....idk theres never been the feeling that i always had access to friends in any way. or like, ever had access to friends, most of the time at least

i also have no idea....when ppl talk about having longtime friends like known all their life im like wtf. ok. weirdo. ive had a friend for ten seconds

kind of a bummer b/c i think a lot of ppl consider College to be th easiest place to make friends...like before that you mostly have school friends and afterwards its like oh work friends but college you have a bit more mobility and different situations to meet people.....but post-college its supposedly just increasingly difficult to make new friends. and being more isolated makes it even more difficult as ppl tend to ostracize ppl for being lonely weirdos

im always lucky i get to talk on here tbh......it occurs to me it’s probably bad to feel completely unheard. because it frustrates me a lot at times to feel that way. even nowadays i dont really say anything about the stuff i think & dont ever find myself wanting to....im picky about who i really feel like having long or even short but actually genuine convos w like i said...............and idk its not that infrequent too for ppl to seem to not really care one way or the other or listen or even like it when i talk. i only wanna talk in situations i feel good talking obv lol....otherwise i’d rather stay quiet, but staying quiet is frustrating also. but i do it. but i can say things here at least even if i’m not actually talking aloud

i cant expect to ever have this mythical friend group or whatever.....i dont have Expectations like that. and in the meantime ive been lowkey for a few years just trying to lower my expectations even for ppl im just chill-ly talking to. its not that difficult nowadays, i get a bit pumped to just be talking, but i dont get Pumped Abt New Friends or anything. i know it doesnt work like that....and its not like i was ever like, wanting a blood oath after two conversations or anything like that. it just tends to mean more to you and then you find out you dont mean as much to anybody else really

oh but a good silver lining is that now i have better standards for ppl anyway, to be like “well it sucks that it turns out my connection w all these ppl wasnt that solid at all, but hang on now that i think of it do i even Like this or that person”

life is wild huh. back in preschool i thought something was wrong w me that nobody liked me & nowadays i dont care if they do or not. im doing my own thing over here & may be chillin in hell but at least, even if i’m sad i don’t exactly get to consistently interact w ppl, it only matters to me if i get the attention from ppl i genuinely like anyways. i could drop off the face of the planet & probably the biggest giveaway was that i had reblogged a joke in a few days but wtf does that matter anyway. some of us got to be on the tangents still w no friends. not because its necessary but b/c it happens and it has to be someone, might as well be me or you. it happens to be me, thats for sure

#it goes nowhere & has no real point #just sayin stuff

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saintkimora · 7 years

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ok, here is a full account of what happened yesterday and the new events from today. caleb if you are seeing this please respect my privacy and stop reading now

ok so it started the other day. caleb texted me at night saying he wanted to talk to me about something serious the next day. i asked what it was about and he said he just wanted to be friends but i didnt read too much into it bc he is impulsive so i figured he would come to his senses the next day

so then yesterday happened. i had just gotten out of sociology at like 10:40am and i saw that he had texted me all these things about breaking up. then when i got to my car he called me on the phone. he then proceeded to break up with me over the phone. his reasoning was that since hes prob moving in a few weeks, he wanted to stop being boyfriends now that way when he does leave itll hurt less than it would, so like easing himself out of the relationship basically. i think its a stupid idea

so these are the issues i had. the first was that he broke up with me over the phone, not even in person. and like i was crying over the phone and his tone was just like very cold and detached and business like and that really hurt me bc he obv knew i was crying but i didnt feel any sympathy from him whatsoever. like if he was crying i would obv be comforting him and trying to make him feel better not talking like a robot. another thing that hurt was that he gave up on the long distance relationship before we could even try it. it made me feel like i was so worthless and unimportant that he didnt even feel like putting forth the effort to make our relationship work. and the fact that he did this all over a 10 minute phone call on his way to the gym. and then like 20 min after he had the NERVE to post a video on his snap story of him at the gym saying “feeling so good *blushing smile emoji*” like that really hurt my feelings and when i told him that later he was like “oh stop making everything about you it was just how i was feeling after working out” but like? i know he obv wasnt saying that he felt so good about breaking up. but what bothered me was that like after he broke up w me, i was a mess i was literally crying all day and i couldnt do anything but cry i was so upset. and then here he is just going on with his day like its another normal tuesday. like the fact that he was capable of being so happy not even a few hours after breaking my heart made me feel like i was nothing, like it was just an errand like “oh im gonna break up with perry then go to the gym lol” and the fact that he did it over the phone just made me feel so insignificant like i was nothing to him and that really hurt. and like ive tried to be the best boyfriend i can be for him and i try to do everything he asks of me so for him to just break up with me in such a dismissive way makes it feel like he doesnt even care

so i was crying in my car, like really bad like i was BAWLING. so i went to the student counseling center and asked for a crisis meeting and i got set up w this counselor named josh. he was nice and tried to help me calm down and focus on orgo. it was nice to have someone to talk to i guess

so then i went home. he called me again to like try to explain himself but only made me feel worse. he was like “you know when i move im not gonna be able to see you everyday and cuddle with you and fall asleep on your chest anymore” and that just made me sadder and i was crying again on the phone. then later we were texting and he was like denying breaking up with me. like, you said you wanted to just be friends and you explicitly said that you didnt want to be boyfriends anymore so how is that not breaking up??? and he said “i was trying to have a conversation with you but all you did was cry.” with the period to show how serious he was. and it really hurt me when he said that bc it felt like he was mad at me and using me crying against me, like i somehow did something wrong by crying. again if he was the one crying i would not be holding it against him like that so i really wish he didnt say that bc it made me feel bad for being emotional which should not be something to feel bad about. and at the end of the call he didnt say i love you like he always does so that hurt my feelings as well

and like i took away the hearts from his contact name and changed my phone backgrounds since they were pictures of him and that just made me really sad

i skipped psych and anatomy lecture but i couldnt skip my anatomy practical. i cried when i was backing up my car to leave bc i saw the “hi <3″ that he wrote in the dirt on my back windshield a while ago and it just set me off. so i got to school and i was planning on having this be the dropped grade so i wasnt like worried but i got a 90 anyways so that was nice. the prof was like “perry whats wrong you look depressed” and i was like im just a little sad today and he was like why and i was like “bc my significant other broke up w me” (i used s/o bc idk how my prof is about those things so i didnt wanna say bf). he told me this story about how in his senior year of college he had such bad mono it was misdiagnosed as hodgkins disease so he was given 18 months to live and his gf of 4 years left him after finding out. so he told me “perry, girls are like a bus. if you miss one, another one will come along in 15 minutes. if i had daughters i would tell them the same thing about guys” so that was nice that he tried to cheer me up. then when i was leaving from the other room (bc we leave our stuff in the other room during the practical) the TA came to me from the main room and wished me luck on my finals so that was nice of him

so then i went home. then at 10pm i met w caleb in person in his car. we talked and at first he would not let me get a word in and he just kept defending himself and what also upset me was that he thought the reason i was so upset was that he was moving and he was so defensive like “i wish i could stay here but i have no choice i cant afford to live here its too expensive” and like that is not what upset me!!! i already knew he was moving ive had time to accept it what upset me was how he broke up w me for no reason w almost no warning and did it in such a cold way. and like the way i see it is since hes leaving instead of easing ourselves out of the relationship to stop us from getting hurt when he actually leaves (which wont happen bc itll hurt regardless), i figured we should make the most of our time together and enjoy each other as much as possible since we’ll have plenty of time to get over each other AFTER he moves. so when i told him my point of view he was like “i wish i thought of it like that, im really bad at this” so that was how i resolved the issue. he was hesitant about keeping the bf label but i told im i really wanted to and i didnt see a point in taking away the label now anyways. i also told him i at least wanted to try long distance instead of giving up before it even happens. i dont remember what he said to it though lol i was too emotional. but yeah the beginning of the convo just felt like he was berating me and i started to cry again bc i dont like it when hes rude to me like that

then he told me that im so sensitive i could see a squirrel in the road and cry and i had to explain to him that i am not a sensitive and emotional person! im normally v reserved w my emotions like ive only cried maybe 3 times the past 8 years and that im just emotional when it comes to him bc i care about him so much

another thing that bothered me was that he said every relationship teaches a lesson, and from ours he learned not to rush into things. i dont get that bc yes we did rush but that wasnt really a bad thing? like he wouldve moved regardless so taking things slow wouldnt have changed that. and like since we rushed into things it will hurt more when he leaves since we are closer than we would be if we took it slow but also like, if we didnt rush we wouldnt have gotten so close and had so much fun together in the first place. so imo the benefits of getting so close so fast vastly outweighed the pain of him leaving

so everything would be great except for this next part. he told me the easing out of the relationship thing was bc he got the advice to do that from his mom and leeann. so when i got home i made a post calling leeann toxic and his mom stupid for interfering in our relationship. and like yall can tell that obv i was kidding and just exaggerating for humorous effect like i dont really think his mom is stupid or that leeann was toxic, just that their advice in the situation was bad. but caleb texted me this morning being so rude calling me disgustingly disrespectful for saying that and he said that “next time you think about doing this remember how it felt when i dumped you (so he admitted that he did dump me) - and get those tissues ready” (since ive been using a lot of tissues since i was crying so much). that really really hurt my feelings bc 1. he is once again using me crying against me and 2. it shows a total lack of sympathy for me crying, like it felt like hell yesterday i was so upset and he knows that so for him to threaten to put me through that again just shows he doesnt really care about me or my feelings.

he also said i need to stop using him and leeann and his mom as “characters in your online stories” like...these arent online stories? this blog is where i vent and talk about my feelings since i dont have anyone to do that with irl and i need to get them out somewhere im not writing these posts to be mean it just feels good to put my thoughts into words instead of bottling them up and even my therapist thinks its a good thing for me to do

so he said that but i was NOT having it. i typed up a long text in response and even i admit it was kinda mean. like in his he said “dont even talk to me for the rest of the day” so at the end of my text i said “dont talk to me ever i am perfectly fine w never talking to you again the rest of my life so bye have fun in new hampshire or whatever” and he was like “perry stop you dont mean that last part” and then he called me and once again got defensive he said he was just trying to have a convo w me and i was being aggressive for no reason. like, no??? a convo would have been texting me like “perry i know its your personal blog where you post your feelings but this post upset me and this is why” not coming at me with 4 super rude texts out of nowhere. so he was trying to play the victim and paint me as irrational and that im overreacting just like he did yesterday and i didnt like it! he was just dismissing my feelings again. so i went OFF in this phone call like wow i really snapped and it felt good tbh

like i think he was just expecting me to sit there and take it and apologize like i usually do when he gets like this but i am done doing that! so i think he was caught off guard that i stood up for myself. i was like caleb i really dont care i have the most important orgo test of the semester today you already took yesterday from me but today i am not entertaining it if you have an issue call me after my test” and i ended the convo and hung up and then he texted me “good luck on your test” like ok hi king of passive aggressiveness

so thats it. i felt good at first but later on i felt bad so i texted him apologizing for snapping at him but i said i wont discuss the tumblr issue until we are in person. i asked if he was free tonight and he said no he wants a day or two to be separate and normally i would understand but like...hes moving in a few weeks i really dont want to waste time fighting and being in this weird place

not to be out of order but another thing that got on my nerves was when we made up last night. he said “once i move youll have more free time for things like school, work, maybe going to the gym” like once again here he is commenting on my appearance! like yes i know im scrawny and i wish i wasnt but im sick of him taking jabs at my looks like my body, acne, and eyebrows when i literally have NOTHING but nice things to say about how he looks. it makes me feel bad when he points out my flaws like that and a good boyfriend is not supposed to make me feel like that

now for the most recent development. leeann sent me this LONG fb message bc caleb told her what i posted about her. like why does he have to expose me like that! i didnt read the message i was like “yeah im not reading this but just so you know i was kidding i wasnt serious i was exaggerating lol” and she was like ok lol

i just dont know why she thinks i care about her input on MY relationship? like youre calebs friend not mine to be frank i dont give a fuck what you think about whats best for my relationship like you dont know me so mind your business

and thats another thing. in the past caleb has gotten pissed at me for sharing our business too much (by telling my friends (who he will literally never meet since they all went away for school) and by posting on here) yet here he goes telling leeann everything! seems hypocritical to me

and heres a second thing. i have always told caleb that my blog is my personal space where i can safely vent and talk about my feelings and that he should respect my privacy by not reading my personal posts. and ive told him that if he does wanna read them then hes doing so at his own risk bc im not going to filter myself bc this is MY space not his so if he really wants to overstep his boundaries and look at my posts then he cant get mad at me for them bc HE is the one choosing to read them even after my warning! so i dont think he should be getting mad at me especially when i was in such an extreme state of mind yesterday since he put me through the worst day of my life for no reason which literally couldve been 100% avoided if he had just waited to talk to me in person instead of breaking up w me over the phone. and like now i feel like this isnt even a space place for me to express myself anymore since theres a chance of him seeing. and i tried blocking him before but he made a new blog and wont tell me the url so i cant block him smh

so yeah thats everything that happened. im kinda stressed rn w this whole leeann drama even though he shouldnt have been reading my posts in the first place. like its just so much drama and i dont like how it feels and idk why this relationship turned sour so fast and i wish he would just be nice and sweet to me again. so hopefully things get better

#this is so long omg #if any of you actually read all of this or even just skim it i love you <3 #personal

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