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#and it looks really ugly as a result
ninicaise · 8 months
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laurent of vere + ethel cain lyrics.
captive prince / prince's gambit / kings rising / family tree (intro) / family tree / hard times / gibson girl / ptolomaea / sun bleached flies
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this-should-do · 3 months
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ykno i think that only ever being told im physically appealing by drs saying i could be prettier if i did this or that or lost weight or by my mom trying to emphasize how im a pretty GIRL to invalidate my desire to be more masculine most of my life probably affected my ability to feel good about my body
#like genuinely i have not been complimented on my looks for a majority of my life by peers#like ive had friends recently like say im slaying or looking good but like in the face kf yhings it doesnt like do anything i guess like#its what friends do#i had a person j used to be friends comlliment me once about me looking hot and sexy and i started feeling nauseus so i dont know what thats#all about so its like would i even want people tk ckmpliment on looking good? do j need that? how does it work why would i need it#when i dont really desire the types of relationships where being attractive matters#if im in my ideal state of mind i dont even register my body its seperate from me and im just my thoughts so i dktn have to think about#my ohysicality but when i have to register myself i just feel ugly but even more it all just feels wrong to have a body at all and thats#prob where the transness comes in tbh#like i dunno is it better for me to have avoided being told over and over that im worthy becuz im attractice as a woman or is that a symptom#kf me just being ugly that nobody ever commented on my body aside from adults daying how cute and ptetty i am and then my mom telling them#that im actually really smart to help me value my mind over my body becuz she grew up being ugly while also thinking shes stupid#like#like all of this to result in me being ugly no matter what way i cut it and i cant even bring myself to care much about it most of them time#even tho it feels mishapen in my mind as a feeling#its like bad and i look at myself in the mirror and i feel bad i look bad my face is wrong and its like the strongest feeling i feel some#days for those brief seconds i see myself and then j look away and it goes away and im back to having normal bland brain waves#its kinda fucked
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marcsnuffy · 4 months
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Not sure if I'm losing my mind or if these outfits are actually nice
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widevibratobitch · 5 months
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#vent post vent post lalalala#i wanted to post some pictures from my weekend trip with my friends before its too late but then i saw my fucking face and now i wanna kms#like oh my god. oh my god this is really truly the face im stuck with forever and ever and ever till the day im fuckin rotting in the groun#incredible how unfair life can be lmao (<- girl who is having such incredibly superficial stupid fucking problems but is otherwise#quite privileged but of course that will never be fucking enough for her because she's soooooo fckn stupid and selfish and annoyinggg lol)#i dont know why im so obsessed with it now#like i genuinely remember KNOWING that im kinda ugly (and fat) in high school and being like 'so what lol idc'#so WHY is it such an issue now?????#idk. i just kinda wish i was dead every time i look at my face and realise there's nothing i can do to change it#i can dress in ways that will cover my ugly ass shapeless body. maybe i can even go back to my ed properly this time#and lose some weight. for a time. before i gain back twice as much and the circle begins anew lol#but my face is not gonna change no matter what i do lmao unless i fucking scrape it off with a grater or smash my head into pieces#and like. even if i do get that rhinoplasty (its not gonna change my faceshape anyway. nothing i can do to fix THAT fuckin atrocity)#every time ill look in the mirror i will only be reminded that its fake. and that my natural face was disgusting enough it had to be cut up#to be fixed somewhat.#i just wish i had ONE. just ONE nice thing about my body. literally just one its not even funny lol#and its so fucked up when you look at my mom who was so insanely fucking beautiful when she was my age. like. i cant blame her#cause how could she have known that the genes she'll pass on will not result in anything good lol but also i feel like such a failure#like its not really my fault i got the genes i got. but yknow.#anyway im tired of always being the ugliest person in any group im hanging out with. my cousins? check. my hometown friends? check.#my uni friends? my GOD check (how ARE they all so pretty and skinny??? insane).#god i wish i were dead. like fr fr. im not actively suicidal since i cant bring myself to *do* shit anyway. but i just wish i never existed
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relto · 1 year
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i was considering asking my dad for a windows key as well, but tbh after getting a bit of a taste of windows 11 i kinda dont want it
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vamptastic · 3 months
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ngl, with my bust size and the limits of my location & finances i'm thinking it may be difficult to keep my nips and get good top surgery results. obviously smth to discuss with the actual surgeon. but my actual point here is that ive been looking at the results of people who had 'bad' surgeries (visually, not nerve damage & such) and they look kinda dope. like, realistically i doubt i'll achieve a cis-passing look shirtless, nice to know that even if i end up with 'bad' results it'll still be something i personally find cool & attractive.
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theloveinc · 1 year
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hiiiie caitie! do you know how to bake? 😋
helllllllow friend😚 thank you so much for asking... i do, but not very well!
i went through a phase in middle school where i loved, loved, LOVED it... but i never quite... mastered it??? if that makes sense. i think i just don't have the right hands (or patience) to really... get it totally right.
so cookies and cakes are pretty easy for me (frosting, however? a whole other story)... but i've never properly made macarons or chocolate-dipped anything😖😖😖
what do you think i should make next? and wbu???
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Hello fellow nerds!
Since it's a season of...something...mostly lights...do me a favour would you? You know this image of Tutankhamun?
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The documentary it comes from was terrible. It grossly exaggerated some deformities present on Tutankhamun's mummy, and is not even remotely how he looked in real life. The people who did this study never had access to his mummy, and really fudged their conclusions for a 'showstopper documentary' so much so that the Egyptian government was angry about it.
Lets list the things that are wrong!
The 'wide hips' only exist on this model because they wanted him to look more 'Amarna like'. The loin cloths found in his tomb are all standard size.
He doesn't have an overbite. This is a result of poor mummification and Carter's poor treatment of the mummy when removing it from the death mask.
He does have a cleft palate, but it's in the soft palate and he wouldn't have noticed it.
He doesn't have a severe club foot. Medical professionals have examined him repeatedly over the years. None have ever pointed it out bar the noting of a 'slight rotation' which wouldn't have been noticeable when he walked if this is indeed a club foot and not another mummification mess up. He would not have needed a staff to walk with this slight rotation. Some staffs in his tomb show wear, but it is normal in Egyptian society to walk with a staff as a sign of power. He has 120 and only 3 show slight wear.
The articles about him 'always being seated and thus very disabled' fail to note that it is common for Pharaoh's of this period to be depicted seated, and there are numerous depictions of him standing doing actions too.
This documentary made him look as bad as possible, based on terrible science, and now every time someone doesn't depict him 'gross and disabled' people complain that he's not 'ugly enough', which is ableist as hell alongside the already ableist exaggerated CGI depiction.
I would sincerely like this terrible recreation to die. Many thanks.
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hotseok · 2 years
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getting ready for winterfest
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transmascissues · 2 months
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it's silly but the biggest reason why im not into t yet is bc im so afraid of losing my hair. do you have any solutions/tips for it?
first of all, i don’t think it’s silly — it’s natural to be worried when hair loss is talked about by so many people as like…one of the worst results of aging for men. listening to my dad talk about how much he hates balding definitely did not make me feel particularly good about the knowledge that i may very well be joining him someday. i’m not saying the fear is right, because i don’t think hair loss is something awful that we should avoid at all costs, but it’s an understandable fear given the beauty standards we’re working with, and it’s one that a lot of us (myself included) feel.
one thing that’s helped me is just…paying more attention to the guys that i interact with on a daily basis. i’ve learned two things from it: 1) hair loss is super fucking common. i’d say it’s much harder to find an adult man who isn’t balding at all than it is to find one who’s completely bald. and 2) if you forget everything you’ve been told about how bad hair loss is, you’ll realize that quite frankly, every single one of those guys looks totally fucking fine. it doesn’t ruin their appearance and make them ugly, it looks totally natural and isn’t really even something you’d notice if you weren’t looking for it. we put so much weight on it but it’s really just not that big of a deal. i’ll hear my parents talk shit about men in my family who are losing their hair when i didn’t even notice a difference last time i saw them. it’s one of those things (like so many other appearance-related things) that you really only notice at all because you’ve been taught that you’re supposed to care about it.
this isn’t something i’ve done personally, but if you really want to desensitize yourself to the idea of it, embrace the time-honored queer tradition of just shaving your whole damn head! find out what you’d look like without hair, find out how you feel about it and what you can do that makes you feel good about your appearance without hair, test the waters while it’s still a temporary change and not something permanent. that way, it won’t feel like this big scary unknown, and you’ll actually have a frame of reference for your feelings about how you look without hair rather than accepting the societal assumption that you’ll inevitably hate it. if you don’t want to actually shave your head, you could also just fuck around with bald filters or photoshop and see what happens.
oh, and if you’re attracted to men, keep an eye out for guys who are bald or balding and also hot as fuck. in my experience, there’s no insecurity or potential future insecurity that being gay for other men hasn’t helped me with. just off the top of my head, i can think of a couple actors who i think are absolutely fucking gorgeous who have helped me get over my fears about losing my hair. despite what our anti-aging-obsessed world might want you to think, there is no such thing as a physical feature that automatically makes someone less attractive, and while making attractiveness less of a priority in your life is good, it can’t hurt to also give yourself some proof that actually, you might lose your hair and look hot as hell doing it.
basically, entertain the possibility that it won’t be a bad thing at all! whether that’s just because it turns out to be a neutral thing for you or because you end up actually liking it, it’s not an inherently bad thing. i’ve ended up liking a lot of things that were “supposed to” be bad effects of t — i love the weight i’ve gained and the new shape it gives my body, i get a lot of gender euphoria from the fact that my acne is now on parts of my face that i saw a lot of guys in high school get it and i’m not complaining about the scars i get from it either because i’ve always liked the added texture that acne scars give my skin, and so on. i think there’s a lot of joy to be had in the changes we’re taught to fear, once we look past that conditioning and actually explore how we feel about it.
but if it’s something you really don’t want and you just want to improve your chances of not having to deal with it, it’s not like there’s nothing you can do! products like finasteride (oral) and minoxidil (usually topical but i think there might also be oral versions) are pretty commonly used among trans guys, for the purpose of avoiding hair loss and for other reasons, and there are plenty of other anti-hair loss products out there (though i don’t know how effective any one of them might be). if it’s a big enough deal for you, you can just decide that you’ll go off of t if/when you start noticing signs of it, since no longer having higher t levels would stop the process in its tracks. and if you don’t find prevention options that work for you so it ends up happening, you can always explore different hair styles (judging by the pattern of hair loss i see in my family, i suspect that keeping my hair long would make it less obvious if i started losing mine), find your preferred method of covering it when you don’t feel good about it (personally i love a good beanie generally and would probably wear them a lot more if i didn’t have hair to worry about because my main complaint is the way they press my hair onto my neck), or just shave it all off if you don’t like the look of the partial balding but don’t mind a shaved head. the point being — you have options!
at the end of the day, whether you go on t or not, you’re going to see your body change as you age in ways that aren’t always going to be attractive to others or aesthetically pleasing to you. that’s just the reality of having a body. even if you never went on t, you’d get older and you might see your hair thin out even if you don’t bald, you’ll see your skin start to wrinkle and sag in places that used to be smooth, your metabolism might slow or your body fat might start to gather in new places; hell, you might lose your hair for a totally different reason and end up in the same place but without the benefits of having been on t that whole time. life is full of bodily changes like that. transphobes will fearmonger about the permanent changes of testosterone all day long but the truth is, there is no escaping permanent bodily changes. whether or not you go on t, your body now isn’t the same as it will be in 1 or 5 or 10 or 20 or 50 years, just like it isn’t the same as it was at any point in your life before now. our bodies are never supposed to stop growing and aging and changing throughout our lives. there’s no guaranteeing that we’ll love every single change our bodies go through, but that’s okay! there are so many things in life that are more important than the way our bodies look. even if you go on t and lose your hair and don’t like how it looks, your life won’t be ruined; plenty of other things will bring you joy and more than make up for the insecurities.
just think about the gender euphoria and relief from dysphoria that t could give you. would losing your hair be bad enough to outweigh all of that? or is it just the pressure of a society that decided balding is bad that’s making you fear one single change despite how much joy you could have if you let that fear go? only you can decide if going on t is worth the potential downsides for you, but i suspect that for most of us, the benefits of going on t far outweigh the possibility of side effects like hair loss happening down the line.
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rene-darling · 7 months
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SEA CREATURE- genshin men
Genshin men but they're different types of sea creatures! How do they court you if they can't walk on land?...credits [m.neuvillette on insta]
...scaramouche...xiao...neuvillette...
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Xiao
Xiao was never interested in mortals, let alone those who walked the land.
But there was just something about you that drew him near.
When you went swimming he would keep an eye out for you, watching you from a distance- just in case you were attacked! Not anything creepy...
He always found humans trying to swim funny-looking but when he observed you...he felt something different.
So when once a big wave had pulled you under preventing you from resurfacing he didn't think twice before guiding you back to shore.
He panted heavily, he'd never swam that in his life!
And when you woke up and looked at him he wondered what you would say..or think, would you call him a monster? An ugly creature? Like all the other humans- "are you...an angel?"
His breath hitched in his throat before he let out a scoff "hmpf. Foolish mortal."
He grumbled diving back deep into the ocean before you could say anything or ask him further questions.
This was getting rather tiring... Everyday since then you would come to the beach and scream your lungs out, and he'd blush at all the nicknames you had given him since he'd had not told you his name
"yoohoo~ angel!, my mermaid savior!, my-" "Stop it." you froze..he finally appeared before you, tired of hearing the arsenal of nicknames you had for him.
He glared at you with those sharp eyes of his, but when you looked at him and gave him a bright smile shouting "it's you! You're back! Hah!" he can't help but let his gaze soften...just a bit!
After that, it became routine for you to meet him by the seashore.
Once he started developing feelings for you, he wasn't quite sure on what to do.
He was flustered..you were a land animal, while he was a merman..
He came to the conclusion that the two of you could not be together in any capacity...
But that didn't stop his feelings from growing. Nor did it stop his biased behavior towards you.
He would bring you many sea shells from the ocean depts
One's that could not be found near the shore.
Once he saw that you liked them he started trying them together making cute accessories for you
Necklaces, rings, bracelets etc!
Scaramouche
Scaramouche is a siren. A deadly one at that.
He doesn't care for humans until it comes to his meal time and he doesn't give a fuck about them in a romantic sense either.
He was doing his usual, singing his lovely melody to attract nearby sailors so he could feast upon them.
But once he had gotten in a bit of trouble with some pirates whom he was trying to kill. Which resulted in him being caught in a net his tail all tangled up
His tail is his best asset! It's the easiest way to lure victims in! With just a wave of his tail he'll have his pray swimming to him
But now he's helplessly stranded on shore. He's half expecting for some humans to come along and kill him by this point..and they might as well since he feels as though he might die of hunger.
And then this human does come along. He's expecting his death but not without a fight!
He tries scratching you, hurting you. But to no avail, you don't back down as you keep approaching him not backing down from his fights
He winces when you bring the knife closer, that's it. This is the end for his miserable life...
Suddenly all those tight ropes around his body drop to the floor and he gets free. In instinct, he quickly swims off not bothering to talk to you.
It's been a while since then, and he convinces himself that he doesn't care...but, he can't really explain why he swims up to the shore every day, watching with sharp eyes to see if you would make an appearance.
And when you finally do, he feels relief spread out his body..you're safe- wait. No, he's a siren. He doesn't care for you!
After weeks of just watching you, he finally makes an appearance throwing a rock at your head to get your attention. When you look at him he swims behind a large rock gesturing for you to come closer. And when you do follow him without question he thinks to himself
Stupid human! I'm siren for archons sake!! What if I was trying to kill them!!...i mean I'm not, I would never. But still!
From that day on it becomes a tradition for the both of you to meet behind the big rock slightly offshore.
He doesn't know why he feels this warm feeling spread through his chest..he's a cold-blooded siren for god sake!
Still...he can't help it so..he tries impressing you.
He shows off his colorful tail, flapping it around and sticking it out of the water for you to observe.
He also makes sure to dive deep down into the ocean and grab rocks that he finds nice from the ocean floor to give to you.
He's sure you'll be impressed by his rocks! You probably haven't seen them since he got them from the depts.
Neuvillette
He's a sea otter!! With a fluffy little tail
Meeting you was definitely a stroke of luck.
You were on a scuba diving expedition with some friends and had lost your way in the depths of the fontain ocean
Neuvillette took all measures to stay away from humans of any kind, he didn't trust them, especially with how they polluted the waters!
But he had gotten his nose stuck in a plastic cup! He was only a bit curious about this strange plastic! He hadn't expected to get stuck!
This is why while in his attempt to get his nose out of the cup he felt his body press onto someone warm
Snapping his head back he saw you! His first instinct was to run, humans were nothing but trouble!...but.
Before he could've ran you had grabbed the plastic cup and had freed his nose
He's really grateful so he decides he'll show you the way back to your friends which you got lost from.
He tries to make you understand but you don't so he wraps his fluffy tail around you and pulls you to where he saw your friends.
From then on whenever you would go on a scuba diving expedition with your friends he would always seek you out. He's still not good with humans so while your scuba team is distracted you'll slip away unnoticed and find him.
You don't need to search far, it seems he's always around the corner when you seek him out
His eyes sparkle as he swims circles around you his fluffy tail brushing against you as he looks at your swimming gear
He'll ask you questions about it, and he'll be absolutely fascinated by the gadgets you have.
He'll get really sad when you have to leave soon to not worry your swim team. He insists you must stay at least a little while longer!
He'll start developing feelings for you, but he doesn't know how to act them out
He wouldn't have ever expected to fall for a human being! A mortal!
But he feels this overwhelming desire to be near you and to protect you from any harm you might face.
Being an otter, they usually hold hands while they sleep, that being the only affectionate thing he knows how to do, He never leaves your hand! Clinging onto your arm as if you're about to die!
He swims up to shore to watch the stars with you, and as you slowly fall asleep, he holds onto your arm to not drift away from you as you both sleep under the stars.
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rewh0re · 1 year
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SLEEPING ON THE COUCH AFTER AN ARGUMENT
Ft.: Kuroo Tetsurou, Akaashi Keiji
Angst but with fluff at the end. Just my boys kuroo and Akaashi and sleeping on the couch after an argument. Reblogs + interactions are highly appreciated!!
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༊ KUROO
Kuroo cannot sleep. It's nearly 3 in the morning and he's twisting and turning on the bed for about an hour now, unable to fall asleep. The other side of his bed seems unnaturally cold and empty due to your lack of presence. You both had gotten into an argument about 2 hours prior. You had tried to convey your thoughts across to him about how worried you were that he was overworking himself and in his state of tiredness he was definitely not in the mood for your nagging. He took out his annoyance on you which resulted in some back and forth yelling before you decided to give him some space and sleep on the couch. But it had been hours and however much he denied it, Kuroo could not sleep without you. So, deciding to swallow his stupid pride he went out to the living room just to find your shivering self on the couch. You had a thin blanket on and it was a cold night.
"I know you're not sleeping," he whispered as he knelt by the couch to look at you.
What he saw broke him, there were dried tears on your face. He always fell apart when he saw you cry.
"Look I'm really sorry for what I said. Half of those things, I didn't mean them and neither should I have uttered them in the first place. It has happened now and as much as I wish I could change it, I can't. So, I'm asking you to forgive me y/n. I'm really really sorry. I love you so much ," he stroked your cheek and you could not pretend anymore. You slowly opened your eyes to look at him.
"You do?" You asked silently.
"More than you could ever know, love. You're the best thing that's happened to me. You're not nagging when you worry about me. I'm sorry for saying that. I was annoyed and irritated and tired and I took it out on you like a fool. I've said hurtful things and I feel terrible for it. Forgive me please," he looked at you with so much love and adoration as he asked for forgiveness that you broke again. You sniffled a little before cracking a small smile.
"I've said some hurtful things as well. Things I shouldn't have said. I'm sorry," you whispered to him.
"It's okay. Come back to bed now love. Tomorrow, I'm taking the day off and we'll do whatever you want to do. Sounds good?" He smiled at you, stretching his hand towards you for you to take it.
"Sounds perfect," you smiled as you took his hand in yours.
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༊ AKAASHI
Arguments with Akaashi were rare. Most of the time, you both would talk things out and solve the problem rationally rather than lashing out. You both tried to be logical and tried to communicate no matter how tired or angry you both were. But sometimes however, that was just not the case. Sometimes, things got out of hand, anger overpowered your more rational sides and things got ugly. Tonight just happened to be one of those nights. Honestly, you don't even know how the argument started. You just knew that both of you were exhausted from work and on top of that things had been rough in your personal life lately. These reasons probably got to you and an argument took place. You both had verbally hurt each other to the extent that Akaashi decided to sleep on the couch, unable to fight anymore. He left you in the bedroom alone and fuming. But the moment he picked up a blanket and went to the couch, regret immediately filled you up. You ran after him to the living room where he laid on the couch. God, he didn't even have a pillow under his head, his neck would hurt like crazy in the morning.
"Keiji," you called out his name and as you expected, there was no answer from him.
"Keiji I'm sorry," you sat at the end of the couch where his feet were propped up on the hand rest.
"I let my anger and frustration take over me and said some pretty shitty things. I'm sorry I really did not mean them. I would never," at that, he looked up at you to see your eyes getting teary as a frown took over your face.
"Don't cry y/n," he sat up and brought himself closer to you.
"I don't know what took over me. I'm so sorry. I always try to be calmer and more thoughtful while speaking but today I don't know. Work has been stressful and I probably took that out on you. Something I shouldn't have done and something I highly regret," you took his hand as you looked at him.
"I said some pretty awful stuff to you too, you know. You're not entirely at fault here. I'm sorry. Next time, I'll try to be more thoughtful and I'll definitely not yell at you again," he gave you a small smile as he opened his arms for you to hug him. You gladly did.
"Me too. Come to bed now. You didn't even bring a pillow with you. Do you want your neck to hurt?" He laughed a little at that.
"Always thinking about me aren't you," he hugged you tighter.
"Mhm. Keiji?" You started as you broke the hug to look at him. "We're okay right?"
"We will be, love."
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aethes-bookshelf · 2 months
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let me be your shelter || astarion/gn!tav
This is the result of an especially hectic exam season. I started writing this fic instead of having a meltdown lol Now that I have more time again, I decided to finish it :) I hope you enjoy!
Warnings: hurt/comfort (mostly comfort), gn!Tav (can be read as a self-insert), Tav/Reader is the one being comforted
Pairing: Astarion/Tav, Astarion/Reader
Wordcount: 1.5k
Summary: You’d always tried to be the strong, reliable one — a leader through and through, a shoulder to cry on for everyone else. Even after everything you'd been through, you put on a brave face. All the way up until you couldn't.
Luckily, Astarion's always there to pick up the pieces.
ao3 link
The sun was setting outside when you finally closed the front door of your house behind you, cloaking the entrance corridor in darkness. The straps of your pack were digging quite painfully into your shoulder, no doubt leaving angry marks on your skin. You threw it to the floor with a huff and closed your eyes for a moment,
The day's exhaustion rolled off of you in waves; hours worth of dust and grime stuck to your clothes and skin. Rebuilding the city after the Battle of Baldur’s Gate was a noble cause. It being noble, however, didn’t make it any less exhausting.
You tried running your fingers through your hair, but your hand almost got stuck in it instead. The firm tug against your scalp made your eyes water. Your back was on fire, your legs were on fire, your face was tacky with drying sweat. It was all so much, too much.
Curling up in a corner and staying there until the sun fell out of the sky seemed worryingly appealing. I still have to go back out there tomorrow, though, you thought. The ugly, choking pressure in your throat got tighter and tighter. Your eyes, still clenched shut, brimmed with tears.
‘Darling?’ called a familiar voice from somewhere on the other side of the corridor. ‘Why are you just standing there? At least light a candle or something. It’s not like you can see like this,’ the voice continued, getting closer.
There was the hiss of a match being lit; one, two, three candles lit up the darkness.
‘Well, not that you can see much with your eyes closed, anyway,’ said Astarion. All snark left his voice when he saw the first tears roll down your cheeks. ‘Oh, I wasn’t that mean, was I? Why are you crying, love?’
‘I-I’m sorry.’ Your voice broke. ‘I don’t- don’t know why, I’m just- just so…’ you trailed off as the first sobs tore out of your chest.
Just a few months ago, Astarion would be looking like a deer in headlights right about now. He still remembered the very first time you broke down after the whole Absolute-tadpole nonsense was over. After everyone else went their separate ways and you chose to stay to help rebuild the city and he chose to stay with you. Naturally.
The breakdown happened soon after. The second night the two of you slept in your brand new bed in your brand new house, the dam inside you just broke, shattered into pieces; and you were swept up in the current of the build-up grief and fear.
Astarion, as much as he loathed to admit it, panicked. He had no idea how to comfort people; after all, it wasn’t a skill necessary for survival for most of his life, so he never really bothered to learn it. He still hadn’t even after whatever the two of you shared at first turned more serious. You’d always tried to be the strong, reliable one — a leader through and through, a shoulder to cry on for everyone else. The stable one. The stable one never gets to cry, so you didn’t.
As ashamed as Astarion was when he realized it, he hadn’t even thought you could cry. It just never really crossed his mind.
Luckily for the both of you, he loved you far too much not to learn from his mistakes after that very first night of the rest of your life. He’d like to think he got comforting you down to a science.
‘Would you like a hug, my sweet?’ Step one was almost always physical contact. And not just because holding you became one of his favorite pastimes; rather, it was grounding for you to have something to hold onto when you got like this. Astarion would gladly volunteer to be that something whenever he could.
You didn’t trust your voice enough to answer, so you just nodded instead. You were starting to tremble; rarely a good sign. Whatever stress-induced breakdown was happening would probably be a big one.
Astarion knew better than to try to wrestle you from the spot you were standing in. It would do nothing except agitate you further, so he simply walked up to you and gathered you into his arms.
The moment you were close enough to hide your face in the crook of his neck, the sobs that had been building up inside you this entire time wrecked your body. You were wailing loudly; so loudly you’d be embarrassed if you had enough energy left in you to care.
Astarion winced slightly at first — you were close enough to his ear for it to hurt. Still, he held you closer, firmer. Just enough pressure to help you calm down.
Eventually, your wailing died down to sobbing, and sobbing turned into soft sniffling. He tried to run a hand through your hair; his fingers nearly got stuck in it, just like yours before.
‘Would you say no to a bath, darling?’ he said, voice soft and quiet. ‘I got some new scented oils a few days ago. I even paid for them this time.’
That got a small chuckle out of you. Your throat was raw and your face was even more sticky now; a bath sounded wonderful.
‘I’d rather like a bath, I think.’ Your voice was all scratchy. You’d probably have one hell of a time trying to speak tomorrow.
‘Come on, then.’ Astarion kissed the top of your head and gently pried you away from his neck.
Usually you were the one leading him everywhere; he supposed in moments like these it was his turn to lead you instead. He walked you to the bathroom, holding your hand. And he didn’t even comment on the snot you left on his shirt, which was a great show of understanding on his part — as far as he was concerned — although he did take it off and throw it in the laundry basket as soon as the two of you entered the bathroom. All his love for you didn’t mean he’d be okay running about in a snotted-up shirt.
He sat you down on the floor near the bathtub and filled it with water. He smelled each of the new scented oils with great consideration. The last thing you probably wanted at the moment was having to pick which oil to put in your bath, so he wanted to make the choice for you — and to make the right one.
After the bath was all prepared, Astarion helped you out of your clothes and walked you to the corner of the bathroom, where he washed most of the dirt off your skin. Making sure you could properly relax also meant making sure you wouldn’t be soaking in dirty water, after all.
Soon enough, you were sitting in the bathtub with your eyes closed. Right after helping you inside the bath, Astarion ran off to grab your favorite hairbrush. And now, he busied himself with detangling the mess your hair had become over the course of your day. He talked and talked all the while — about his day, about this awful thief he managed to thwart the other night, about the shopping trip he went on the day before — about everything and nothing, just to keep talking. Just to fill the silence with noise that would drown out your screaming, tired mind. He didn’t expect you to answer; it was enough that you listened.
After your hair was brushed, washed and conditioned, Astarion dried you off and brought you a freshly washed set of pajamas.
‘You need to sleep, darling,’ he said, handing you the clothes. He knew you were far too tired to argue with him on that. As endearing as your usual desire to stay up with him for as long as possible was, you needed rest — badly.
‘Will you stay with me?’ you said. You felt much better now that all the grime was off of you, but the thought of laying in bed alone made you want to cry all over again.
‘As if I’d ever leave,’ scoffed Astarion as he took your hand again, leading you out of the bathroom.
The coldness of his bare chest was a much needed comfort. You nuzzled closer to him as he threw a thick blanket over the two of you. He reached over to his bedside table.
‘I could read for you, if you’d like.’
You mumbled out a ‘yes’. Your eyelids were so very heavy, but the idea of hearing Astarion’s voice rumble in his chest right against your cheek sounded lovely.
He chuckled to himself. ‘You’re adorable when you’re tired.’
He started reading. You weren’t really paying attention to what he was reading, rather to the sound of his voice itself. The individual words and sentences blurred into one, continuous rumble. Listening to him speak felt like falling deeper and deeper into a pile of the softest pillows.
You were out before Astarion could finish the first fifteen pages of the book. He noticed by the end of page twenty. When he did, he gently put away the book and held you tighter against him. And he may or may not have left a few kisses on your forehead, but that’s neither here nor there.
Astarion got comforting you down to a science. And he was damn proud that he was the one you trusted to comfort you in the first place.
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meanbossart · 1 month
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If it was possible, would Astarion ever let Drow give him scars? What does Drow's scars represent?
I'm assuming you meant the other way around (If DU Drow would ever let Astarion scar him). He already has!
There's a scene in A Novel Experience where, uh, things transpire. Astarion is ravenous and DU Drow is wounded. One thing ends up leading to another. The resulting scar is a combination of a gash from a knife DU drow and Astarion biting and chewing on the injury.
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It just looks like an ugly scarred-over mound of flesh because he cared for it the bare-minimum, and Astarion really got in there. I've drawn it a couple of times.
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The scars Orin gave him (at least right now, maybe that could change in the future) mean nothing, I just based them off the design on the facial cosmetic I opted for his avatar in-game. Lore-wise I don't think she cared if the design told any kind of story.
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