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mari-lair · 3 months

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Let's talk about Akane's overprotection of Aoi and the dangers of not properly setting up a narrative tone.

We are told that Akane stalks Aoi because guys have been trying to force her into a relationship for years, so he protects her by beating up anyone who approaches. Nene and Kou are understandably horrified by this.

But in the very next page, Aidairo hit us with this tone switch:

What Akane is saying is contradictory to the violent and possessive narrative that was shown during his introduction, to this yandere role he played the entire chapter, but the manga is trying to convey that we should take him seriously here. Even the lighting and composition are the ones used when characters are vulnerable and Aidairo wants to show that what they feel is real.

It's strange...

Being possessive is never framed as something that leaves other characters in awe, just compare Akane's melancholic and peaceful gaze to the creepy tone used when Kou and Hanako have their "you are possessive" moment.

Both Kou and Hanako hate that part of themselves, Kou even rejects it, but it's still clear the rejection doesn't make him any less possessive. Both want to be dependable, they want to be the only choice, no one else is acceptable. It's a selfish feeling. Being 'the most important person' is more important than the joy of the person they want to help (Kou's wish is Mitsuba needing him, instead of Mitsuba happy as a human. Hanako wants to be the one to save Nene, the idea of Nene being saved by someone else does not satisfy him even if it would make her happy and safe)

So this isn't a "Akane is lying to himself" or a "he is delusional" case.

The narrative, which had presented Akane as someone violent and obsessive, wants us to believe his claim "I will protect Ao-chan... Even if she never looks my way" is not only what Akane believes to be true, but also something admirable. A sentiment Nene craves directed her way, claiming to be 'a little jealous' of Aoi, despite calling Akane scary a single page ago.

Let's rewind to see how we got here.

Akane and Aoi's stories suffer from being mostly given to us in gags for a good chunk of the manga, as they are not very relevant in the early arcs, but the crumbs come together after their confrontation in chapter 69.

Why is Akane stalking Aoi? Because he worries about her. Not about someone stealing her necessarily, but about her being hurt or forced into situations she is uncomfortable with.

They are very codependent. They have been for years.

We can see Akane being shocked at the sight of people bullying Aoi since they were kids, it isn't just 'boys who want to date her' that makes her uncomfortable. Jealous girls do too.

Even when Aoi is left alone, using clothes completely out of her cutesy style to attract less attention, and just living her life, she is still harassed.

Aoi's life is a nightmare, it straight up sucks. She hates that, and when Akane notices this discomfort, he hates that too.

He is far more protective than possessive, he doesn't care when people are touchy with Aoi as long as she welcomes the touch: Take Nene as an example.

Akane never touches Aoi at the start of the manga but Nene does, a lot. He never think "Nene is touching my Ao-chan! Unforguivable". "Maybe Ao-chan likes Nene more than me is not far!" or anything of sorts

Even when Aidairo uses the same over-the-top/creepy gag humor I personally find excessive, and Aoi straight up flirts with Nene, Akane's only thoughts about it are the usual "I love her so much"

When he does show dislike for Nene it's never because she is of value to Aoi. It's because of how dismissive Nene can be, not taking Aoi's safety seriously and easily excusing Hanako's actions.

We only see him be aggressive with Nene when Hanako possesses her and makes Aoi uncomfortable.

The problem here is the framing, the comedy focus. It's hard to take it seriously.

Everything about Akane's intro chapter is hard to take seriously. We are told he is "Hard working. Reliable. What a nice and sweet person."

But we aren't shown these honorable qualities much, not explicitly at least. The big panels, the main focus, is on his gag.

And his main joke is that he loves excessively, even for this school standard where everyone is weird (like Nene writing a self-ship fanfic with Teru) so he needs to be over the top, his behavior has to stand out!

How do they try to achieve this? Yandere jokes.

It is overplayed, they spend pages on it. WHOLE PAGES on it.

It is an old narrative trick to present a twist character as a comic relief to lower suspicion, to keep the more important characterization for after a reveal when they are oficially important, but framing all his actions as comedic and devoid of dept to make his reveal as No.1 more unexpected leaves him in a strange position: Akane is intended to be written as a protector but framed as a joke, to the point his introduction become the satire of a protector.

When he is revealed as the clock keeper and allowed to be given more focus, Aidairo try to explain his behavior and show signs of him being a genuinely caring and kind person, as the first part of his intro had promised.

But it's to late.

His crazy actions and anger issues is in most people's minds, a few lines can't erase pages and pages of his introduction as a yandere like archetype, so it's easy for first impression bias to come into play and interpret all his actions as a simple "He is obsessive." instead of trying to find dept or nuance to the established dependence he has on Aoi.

When we are shown that above wanting to date her, he just wants her to be safe and happy, it does not become clear. The reader needs to pay a lot of attention to small moments like these:

Which a casual reader likely won't. Most are reading for the toilet trio at this point in the manga.

This fumble on his character introduction makes it hard to know what should and shouldn't be taken seriously. Aidairo discarded the yandere narrative relatively quick (we haven't seen Akane's bat in ages) but this gag about being happy as long as Aoi is happy turned out to be important:

It was used to further contrast Aoi's and Akane's mentality on their big arc, and highlight how much nearly losing Aoi affected him.

So the only way we can tell what joke to take seriously cause it will be used to build up his character and what isn't important is hindsight.

I did not care about Aoi and Akane's relationship when I first read the manga, i went 'oh cool!' on their conflict, cause that was very well done, but since their characters were not well introduced, I did not notice a lot of the ideas being shown to me.

Akane is a sweet boy. That's his core, his consistency. Even with Aoi, being kind is the priority over being with her.

Let's compare him with Hanako, who is an openly possessive character, and see how they approach their love interests when they don't know if their love interest likes them back yet, and they aren't reduced to a gag (so we'll dismiss Akane being 'a yandere with a bat', and Hanako's joke of him being a tactless pervert, like peaking under Nene's skirt when her time was frozen)

(so pre-chapter 86 to Hanako and pre-chap 69 to Akane)

Hanako traps Nene, he will cling to her anytime he can, he cares about Nene and loves her dearly, he even says he "loves everything about her" but he is greedy for her attention, he is selfish, always trying to make her focus on him out of everyone in the room and keeping her in his hold, out of others reach. His unsubtle possessive nature is a charm of his, makes for an interesting character.

Akane has a different vibe to it. He doesn't have many serious moments with Aoi before their spotlight arc, unfortunately, but when he does, he focuses on reassuring her (even when her time is frozen and she can't hear him) and avoids touching her at best he can. He has known her for more than 10 years, but he doesn't act as if she belongs to him.

I am not saying Akane is not possessive of her, he is. But he tends to be more worried about her than anything.

Using hanako as the trademark of possessiveness again, check out these two scenes:

At the start of the manga Kou likes Nene, and Akane is under the impression Teru like Aoi, so both scenes follow the basic premise of "A know B has a crush on their crush, and they get possessive over a possible romantic rival being too close."

Hanako doesn't say anything, but his message is clear "She is mine."

Akane explicitly says he doesn't like Teru near Aoi but he doesn't try to remove Aoi from Teru or try to do anything violent. Why would he? Aoi is in no danger, nor is she uncomfortable, so he changes focus to the person who is troubled, awkwardly reassuring Teru that his distress is, in his personal opinion, stupid, so "chill bro".

He wasn't like that with Teru before.

He was so determined to stop the wedding he even rejected hanging out with Aoi, crying tears of blood and asking for her forgiveness in his mind but prioritizing not making her get together with Teru above her joy.

Is that because of his development? Yes! A big part is. Notice the way he treats his mental image as reality? That was his biggest flaw, he imposed his views on Aoi (the view being "everyone is stupid in love with Teru" in this case), and assumed what he believes is a universal truth, doing exactly what Aoi accused him of: Not seeing her, just an idea of her.

But the reason he went so crazy and determined, it's because Akane saw Teru as someone dangerous. Someone who would use Aoi. Hurt her. He believes he is protecting Aoi from the big bad president. A view that makes sense when we take into consideration both Aoi's history of being forced into relationships, and when we go back to their interaction.

Look at this and tell me this isn't a threat:

Teru acts as if he barely remembers her name, she is just 'that cute girl', mostly a tool for him to use against Akane.

When his view of Teru changes to someone kinder who genuinely cares about Aoi as a person, he no longer enters protective mode.

He is still bothered about the idea of Aoi being with someone else, he does noooot look pleased even with his fairy tale vision of a happy couple, but the way he treats this possible 'rivalry of love' when he does believe Teru loves her is so different from his "Don't get close to her!! I will NOT allow it!!" approach.

There is no insecure overthinking. No aggression. He is playful about it. He even teases Teru.

He just wants to focus on rescuing Aoi. A 'rivalry' isn't important. He needs her to be safe.

These two parts of Akane have been juggling for a long while.

But now, character focus is the priority, and I am thankful the damage is being undone, that Aidairo let Akane's love take up whole pages instead of small panels buried under pages of jokes.

Their codependence, no matter how many issues it has, and how it can sabotage them, is based on so much care for each other.

It's a shame I only believe Akane was sincere when he said he'll always be there to protect Aoi regardless if he 'gets to be with her', because of what we see later in the manga, not because of what had been set up in his intro.

#Every time i see the page of Akane gently cradling Aoi's face and crying over her being safe my heart break #tbhk #toilet bound hanako kun #jshk #jibaku shounen hanako kun #look at me trying to do a narrative structure analysis despite always failing lit class #aoi akane #akane aoi #aoikane #aoiaoi #long post #character analysis

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yxami · 1 year

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ANGST...? IM IN! cant wait for it <3

This is just lil short blurb since this isn’t actually part of the story, more like a “what if”

I hope you enjoyed this!

description: Eros the yandere cupid, male yandere, gen neutral reader, angst, relationship mentions, manipulation, toxicity on Eros’s part?, that type of stuff.

How I imagine angst to happen with Eros and reader is mainly about Eros meddling with reader’s love life. If reader was ever able to find out, their anger would not only stem from the fact he’s been scaring off potential lovers but the fact that they’ve been incredibly insecure from all these failed attempts of dating.

“You’ve been scaring people off so I couldn’t date them?? Eros, I’ve been fucking looking for someone for so long, wondering why I’ve never gotten the chance! You know what I thought?! I thought something was wrong with me, that I wasn’t good enough for anyone” Your rage was boiling to say the least. Tears prickled your eyes out of the overwhelming discovery.

“I had to! I wanted to be with you and I thought that was the only way!!” His voice was shaky, he had never seen you so upset before, nor has he ever heard you scream. He was sat on your bed, watching you pace around in anger.

“That’s not okay, it’s not fucking okay to mess up my love life just because of your selfishness! What else have you been controlling??” Hot tears ran down your face. You weren’t even sure why you were crying, you were supposed to be angry!

It was probably the betrayal you felt that you thought this genuine friend was one that you could develop feelings for, was actually a lying Cupid, manipulating your love life for his benefit.

“I haven’t controlled anything else! It was just scaring off those people!” Eros saw your tears and his face was matching yours. He was tearing up and sniffling, he had never felt this heart aching feeling before. It felt awful!

“I don’t even want to see your face right now” You mumbled, stopping your frantic pacing back and forth. You needed space, and lots of it. Either he was going to disappear or stay out of your room. At the same time, him disappearing wasn’t satisfying because he could easily watch over you without you realizing. That meant you wouldn’t be getting any actual space.

“Get out of my room” You looked at him with as much seriousness that you could muster. Your eyes glossy from your salty tears. The two of you had face expressions that showed sadness and overwhelming pain.

“Please just hear me out! I know it wasn’t—“

“Get out Eros, I mean it” You walked towards the door and opened it wide open for him to leave. Your glared eyes met his sad ones. He reluctantly left the room, never actually leaving your home. He knew he had to stay out of your way though.

You shut the door and locked it, being able to gain whatever privacy you had left. You threw yourself against your bed. You sobbed and sobbed, until tears no longer spilled. You felt betrayed, why did he think that was okay?

You could hardly breathe from the overwhelming intake of air that your body demanded. You sat up trying to compose yourself despite the thirty minutes of crying just ending. You had an aching heart and head. Everything felt awful, everything sucked!

Your only close friend actually being a fucked up cupid who stopped you from finding true love because he loved you. It was sick! Your insecurities had reached an all time high because of him. You believed you were never going to be good enough or pretty enough for someone.

It had gotten bad this one time where you refused to leave your house for a week, staying in bed as if you were bedridden. And now it was repeating again, for the same reason. Just this time, it was about him, him and his stupid fucking actions!

Eros felt weird, he felt empty like his heart had been ripped away from him. He felt immensely ashamed to make you so mad that you couldn’t even see him. He knew it was a mistake to do what he did. He still took the chance because he loved you, a lot.

He was in his room, sat on his bed, in a pensive mood. What was he supposed to do now? Does he apologize and admit his wrongdoing? Or does should he wait it out and see what happens.

He knew the first option would likely be the best one. From all the matchmaking and fights he’s seen, apologizing seemed to be the best option he could go for. He was just worried when he should or if you would even let him apologize.

The both of you were in your rooms, either one was sobbing or the other was reflecting on something. It only came to dinner time when it meant the both of you had to go and eat something.

You were not in the mood to cook anything so you were looking around for a snack. You heard his footsteps into the kitchen as he observed you, standing there.

“Hey..” Eros meekly said, as quiet as mouse but enough so you heard him. He was trying to feel out whether you were still heated up about it. He knew you wouldn’t get over it so quickly. The part he was worried about was whether you were okay with seeing him.

You completely ignored him, continuing to look for something to snack on. You were able to find some cereal and you grabbed milk from the fridge.

“Are you still mad?” He nervously bit on his lip, not hard enough to puncture his skin.

Complete silence filled the room other than your rummaging for a spoon. You were obviously ignoring him but he didn’t get the message until now.

“I’m sorry, I know it wasn’t okay to do any of it. I.. I was scared, scared that you were going to find someone else and that I would never get the chance to be with you..”

You were a little surprised that he apologized. You honestly expected him to wait until you were cooled off and ready to forgive him. It still didn’t change anything though, he was still wrong for doing it.

“It was really fucked up, I hope you know that.” You put your silver spoon into your bowl and turned around to look at him. His wings wrapped around him, an obvious sign of self soothing.

“I do! And I’m really sorry that it made you feel insecure and scared. I never meant to make you feel like that, I just wanted you to myself because I believed that I was never going to get the chance to be with you. I think you’re gorgeous and I couldn’t believe you actually wanted to be friends..” He made sure not to overstep your needed space and froze his feet where he was standing.

You were flattered by the compliments but it was still angering that he believed it was okay at the time. You knew it was going to be awhile until you truly forgave him for what he did. You needed to see that he was actually sorry and not just saying it so you would stop being angry with him.

“It’s gonna take me a long time to forgive you. I hope you know that.”

“I know.. just don’t give up on me… please?”

#yandere #yandere x you #yandere x y/n #gn reader #male yandere #pls request #yandere imagines #yandere scenarios #manipulation #gender neutral reader #angst #yandere angst #yandere oc #soft yandere #jealous yandere #cupid yandere #yandere Cupid #erosmyoc

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surftrips · 1 year

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butterflies — part two.

pairing: rafe cameron x female reader

summary: after returning home from college for the summer, y/n runs into rafe cameron and the two form an unlikely relationship.

word count: 697

a/n: part two of my series inspired by "butterflies" by kacey musgraves. i'm really excited to see where this story goes, this chapter was so fun to write! masterlist.

“Alright, I’ve given you enough time and space. I think I deserve the full story,” Rafe said.

You two were sitting around a campfire in his backyard, relaxing after a long day of doing nothing.

“The full story of what?” You tried to play dumb, but he wasn’t having it.

“Y/N, you know what I’m talking about.”

You sighed, knowing that this conversation was eventually going to come up. “I guess you’re not going to take no for an answer.”

“You’re right, I’m not.”

“Well… long story short he was just really possessive and codependent. He made me feel guilty for doing anything without him, and it just got to the point where I felt so disconnected from everyone I knew."

You exhaled, "Sorry that like, nothing big or dramatic happened, if that’s what you were expecting. I just wasn’t happy in the relationship anymore.”

“Oh.”

You struggled to read the expression on his face.

“I think my relationship was the opposite of that. I think I liked her a lot more than she liked me.”

You thought, how could anyone not like sweet, kind, wonderful Rafe Cameron? You said, “Oh, I’m sorry. That sucks.”

“Yeah, and the worst part was the breakup didn’t even faze her. I saw her at a frat party with some other guy like a week after.”

I would never do that to you.

“Ugh, that’s awful. You deserve better.”

“That’s the thing though, I’m not sure I do,” he said with dismal. “Sometimes, I just feel like I’m a horrible person. And that all the things my dad says about me are true. That I’m lazy, incompetent, and selfish. Maybe that’s why no one is ever going to care about me as much as I care about them.”

By this point, there were tears threatening to fall from your eyes. Was that seriously how he thought of himself?

“Oh my god, Y/N, don’t cry. Seriously, I wasn’t trying to be that deep or whatever." He was panicking now, "Shit, I was just thinking out loud.”

“No, don’t apologize. I’m just really sensitive,” you tried to play it off by laughing a little but it came out more like a cry.

Rafe pulled you into his arms, and— wait, why was he comforting you? It should be the other way around. You were never good at this kind of affection.

It took all of your self-control to remove yourself from his comforting hold. “Rafe, I’m really sorry you feel that way. Just know that none of it is true. None of what your dad says about you is true. You’re not horrible, or selfish. This entire summer you’ve been nothing but kind and welcoming to me. If anything, I’m wondering what you see in me to keep me around this long.”

“Y/N, don’t start that now. You know I keep you around because you’re easy on the eyes,” he joked.

You playfully punched him in the arm, “Oh, stop.”

What you didn’t expect was for him to catch onto your hand before you could rescind yourself, pulling you back into him. As you leaned on his chest and felt his heartbeat, all you could think was I care, I care about you so much, I might even care about you more than you care about me.

Then, I wish I could tell you.

Since you first saw Rafe at the beginning of summer, your feelings for him had only grown. At first, you thought you could control it, push it down, but each time you saw him smile or made him laugh, you felt the butterflies start to flutter up in your stomach again and you swore you were floating.

But you couldn’t do anything. It would ruin your friendship, and his trust in you. He so clearly viewed you as a friend, maybe even a sister. You never wanted to do anything that could jeopardize your relationship with him. It wasn’t worth the risk, at least not at the moment.

You laid there in his arms until the rest of the world began to disappear, until it was just you two and the stars in the night sky.

#rafe cameron #rafe cameron x reader #rafe cameron imagine #obx #outer banks #obx x reader #obx imagine #drew starkey #drew starkey x reader #rafe cameron x you #butterflies fic

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none-shall-caricature-me · 2 months

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I've noticed that, probably due to a desire to alleviate the grim nature of the original, many xuexiao fanfic writers opt to focus on (twisted or fluffy) romantic feelings of the characters. The emphasis ends up being on their romantic / platonic / sexual attraction rather than their incredibly juicy ideological contest and the antagonistic tension mixed with intrigue that Xue Yang shows towards Xiao Xingchen. Basically, there is too much 'lovers / froends' and not enough 'enemies' in their enemies - to - lovers / friends story. (I'm not criticising that. I'm a sucker for their mushier side too. But I'm equally a sucker for a good brutal battle of creeds.)

So let me fill this gap by describing how DELICIOUS the exploration of the 'you're my enemy and u SUCK and your worldview is RIDICULOUS but I LOVE rotating you in the microwave testing the limits of your resolve' aspect is or can be. I'll use some moments from the show / novel that I find striking in this regard.

XXC is very kind but lacks the worldly experience to be spot - on empathetic (as others have pointed out). He's also rigid to a fault. This is a VERY unpopular interpretation of mine but I believe he can be selfish / negligent in his goodness - he sheds caution about possible repercussions on his near ones in his mission to fight evil. He was smart enough to figure out the Chang massacre and trace it to XY. He knows XY is incredibly vengeful and creative in his vengeance. He's had experience with powerful people who will obstruct justice. Yet he goes ahead with prosecuting XY even when Jin Guangshan acts shady and uncooperative. Didn't he consider that this might put a target on his well - known partner Song Lan ?

Welp, then the Baixue bloodbath happens and XXC very understandably blames himself. I know we like to say it wasn't his fault, and of course it technically wasn't, but he did commit a grave error in not thinking through the consequences. It could be a miscalculation, negligence or even cavalier tunnel - vision, depending on your opinion. But anyway, XXC's morale is shattered and as others (like ameliarating) have said, he determined to never end up harming others in his quest for righteousness again.

XY wiped out Baixue for revenge, but also to kill XXC's hopes and vision, again also mentioned by others. May be a stretch, but it could be XY's way of saying 'hah, you don't care to understand why the world is as awful as it is, and then blame ME for doing shitty things to live it up in a shitty world. So let me show you how things actually work, and why my existence and lifestyle are valid.' It's like a really fucked up method of self - affirmation for XY. (Just in case - I am neutral on XY's actions. The novel doesn't give us much insight into his thoughts, so I'll withhold judgement on the nature vs. nurture debate about XY. But he's definitely an interesting character).

Then XY starts infiltrating XXC's life in Yi City. Why does he stick around after healing ? I like to think it's initially because he's a) taking advantage of XXC's generous freebies cuz why not and b) wants to torment him, yes, but he's also very very curious about XXC. Maybe it's because XXC's still out here trying to do good when many people would've either quit and hardened their hearts, or been broken irreparably. So XY think's he'll get both schadenfreude and try to find out why this dumbass saved a highly suspicious dying man and continued on his goody goody quest instead of learning his lesson. The lesson XY tried to teach him. Maybe XXC's whole deal makes XY wonder how his life would be if he'd acted nicer and more socially acceptable. Would it have saved him any pain ? Would he have had true allies then ? Did he choose a life of callous crime because he is weak - willed and 'inferior' unlike the seemingly unbreakable superiority of XXC ?

So he makes XXC kill on 'night - hunts'. Perhaps to prove that XXC got manipulated into doing harm cuz he's dumb or full of hubris and refuses to wisen up, refuses to become more cynical and wary of people. This ties back into Baixue too. Also I think the book mentions the victims are residents who mocked / cheated XXC ? If that's true, it's like XY is 'introducing' XXC to taking bloody revenge just like XY did on the Chang clan and others who crossed him / his pals. Like he's enacting teaching XXC 'look, if you keep up the good deeds, eventually you'll meet someone who ruins you so you destroy that hope for humanity and become just like me. Your way will always end in disaster, and therefore I'm justified in living like I do.'

Of course, in the end XY realises that XXC's drive to better society was his way of coping with the harsh reality of humans, especially after being ousted from BSSR's mountain. XXC didn't want to live in a sordid world. Meanwhile XY's coping mechanism was to extort the sordid world for all he wanted.

There's a tiny moment in CQL where, after the fake night hunt slaughter, XXC walks past a smirking XY and his arm brushes XY's sleeve, whose grin grows larger. It's like XY's relishing in XXC so casually touching and hanging about him totally unawares. Also he's horny for XXC's combat skills.

So yeah. Antagonist obsessed with corrupting his enemy, wrapping him around his finger, but not willing to let go. He ended up being totally down to bask in XXC's obstinate kindness despite that being the very thing he wanted to disprove and destroy.

XXC hesitates to kill XY after the reveal. What does he get from XY? Maybe it was reassuring that someone as hard - hearted and self - centred as his friend was willing to stick around in no man's land with him. It's soothing because it makes it seem like the world isn't that cruel, that perhaps the potential for good exists in people, hence helping XXC cope with his existential anxiety. He has to hold on to that hope even as his friend's identity is revealed, else there's nothing left for him since he can't bear to live in a world of evil and exploitation.

Why didn't XY move on after XXC's suicide ? If all he wanted was acceptance and shelter, he could've found so many other options. No, he was obsessed with XXC cuz he thought that if someone perfectly willing to kill him in the past over morals hesitated to kill him in the end, it must be an actual stable love. Where else, he thinks, would be find someone who loved him enough to not kill him despite them being such hostile opposites by character and circumstance ? Lots of people could love him cuz they agreed with his worldview or found it / him expedient. Who would love him even when their entire identity and misery opposed it ?

#xuexiao #yi city #is this anything #mdzs #xue yang #xiao xingchen #mo dao zu shi #grandmaster of demonic cultivation #cql #the untamed

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cto10121 · 3 months

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Finally bought a copy of Midnight Sun!!! Or as I like to call it, Twilight’s subtext as actual text because people suck at reading comprehension. Honestly, with every reread the book gets better and better. And of course, I have des notes (Part 1, since this tome is long):

I love how Edward is so obviously interested in her even before he smells her scent. That ~strange urge to step between her and Jessica’s vicious thoughts…buddy

Also love me some Arrogant!Edward, especially at the beginning—the Mr. Darcy vibes truly are impeccable, and it makes total sense for this narrative. The stupid clowns and anti fans hate it, but it is absolutely essential to his character arc towards humility/self-acceptance. It’s called character development, bitch

Edward: “She is an ordinary human girl, nothing special, she isn’t even pretty” Also Edward literally the second time he sees her: “She has oddly deep brown eyes, the color of milk chocolate, but with the clarity of strong tea, with flecks of caramel and agate green and now she is tossing her luscious mahogany hair at me and now her delicious scent is wafting like delicate perfume—” 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Clowns: “Edward doesn’t like Bella for herself, he just likes her scent!!!1!” Edward: *absolutely REFUSES to go into detail about her scent, just its effect on him* Yeah. Strange, but revealing. In Twilight he does say it’s like freesia, and Laurent says it’s “floral, somehow.” The metaphor for sexual desire and even predation is there, suggested by Edward’s obvious romantic interest, but narrative-wise Meyer firmly separates the two and even has Edward conquer his own selfish instincts in order to be together with Bella. In that framing, Bella’s scent becomes another obstacle to overcome to reach true romance, and that fact alone makes Twilight better than 90% of romances lol

I don’t think I mentioned this before, but Meyer’s Spanish is surprisingly legit so far. I’ve literally read worse Spanish by Chicano and Latino writers, without accent marks and everything. Although I must say, they always have these Spanish high school teachers insist on having the whole class speak Spanish. It’s such a cliché, but a charming one, I guess

Edward hearing about Emmett’s cantante encounter and thinking, “Yeah, no, this is worse” is such an unintended flex, imo. Homeboy really was dealing with the worst vampire thirst ever and he actually succeeded in overcoming that enough to dick her down. Kudos

Edward thinking about Bella on her wedding day to some stranger and feeling pained—boy, it’s been three days!!!!! Birds of a feather flocking together

“A word I’d never said before in the presence of a lady—” This is the line that made the antis go crazy????? That a vampire from 1901 and frozen in that state would speak and act like he was from 1901????? Antis are so damn stupid

“I liked that I’d finally guessed right. That I was beginning to understand her.” Honestly? So far Edward has been very good at reading her body language and her feelings, almost from the get-go. Some specifics and quirks elude him, and he almost completely misses her attraction to him, but almost everything Bella is feeling from Twilight he also picks up on. So the Team Jacob fans that insist that Jacob is better because he is a better reader of Bella may not have that much of an argument after all

“Like a stalker. An obsessed stalker. Like an obsessed vampire stalker.” And like Bella, Edward is iconically hilarious in the best way possible. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Aaaaaand Alice has her Vampire!Bella vision and everyone is 😮 at Edward falling for Bella. Still wish that Edward would be in denial of his obvious feelings for a while longer, since it’s so much fun

Not antis complaining about how Midnight Sun’s added scenes on Bella’s selflessness and her friends being awful were ~retcons by Meyer…bitch, in Twilight it was clear as day her friends were fake. Normal, but fake. Angela excepted. And Bella’s kindness/self-abnegation was more than established, although there it was focused mostly on Bella’s shielding Angela from Jessica’s prying and setting up Mike/Jessica.

“Obviously the meteorite was just a metaphor for all the unlikely things that could go wrong.” Obviously, but your antis have never been the sharpest tools in the shed in terms of reading comprehension, Edward, so don’t even bother—oh, you meant yourself. Meyer definitely is doing some meta here.

“Edward…Stay.” God, I do want to see this scene dramatized in the TV show in an Edward POV flashback episode. Imagine Edward wrestling silently with his self-loathing, about to leave her room and possibly Bella for good, and then Bella speaks his name. He whirls around, shocked, and the way it’s framed the viewer almost believes she has woken up, but Bella is obviously sleeping. And telling him to stay. And Edward being all 😮 🥺 💗Beautiful…except the TV show would absolutely ruin it somehow

Edward not realizing that Bella is (obviously) turned on by him is just perfection. He is as oblivious to his own beauty as Bella is to hers and it makes for a great parallel. Only difference is he does contemplate whether Bella is attracted to him a little

“Staring at her mouth made me feel strange.” I swear, Edward is so much more naïve than Bella about anything romance. Homegirl owned her crush and acquitted herself very well all things considered. Meanwhile Edward is emotionally flailing like an angsty Kermit every single page, doing a “I wonder why?” every few seconds

“Sometimes, when he stares at me, I’d swear he’s thinking of killing me. Freak. Mike wasn’t entirely unperceptive.” 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

“She wore a deep blue blouse today” It has begun

“Bella winked?” Yes, Edward, and so did you, you fucking V tease. Both of you wink at people because you two are birds of a feather, flocking together. Two dorks, both alike in love clownery

Edward 🤝 Juliet —> “Soft perfection” & “Dear perfection” Don’t think I didn’t notice, Meyer!!!

The flirtatious waitress!!! Am enjoying her so much more this time around. Usually I like Bella’s Port Angeles chapter than Edward’s, but this shit reads great in both POVs

“Aside from my worries about her sanity, I began to feel a swelling of hope” 10/10 sentence, no notes

“She dreamed of me. I wanted to dream of her.”🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 “I could not dream of her. She should not dream of me.” 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

Edward empathizing with Angela and wanting to pair her up with Ben (and succeeding!) warms the cockles of my cold, dead heart. It’s so great that his 100-year-old cold haughty shell is finally melting and giving way to the 17-year-old simp he is

“Running a house is time-consuming, and I usually had a part-time job, too, not to mention school—” Fuck anyone who hates Bella because she is ~boring, fuck them to hell and back. Homegirl was run so ragged she didn’t have time for herself, much less date. It’s a wonder she had hobbies to begin with (Edit: Aaaaaand the reason Bella hates birthdays is because her mother was shitty at giving her what she wanted and she had to pretend to like them. The fuck)

But on that note, I’m really loving all of Bella’s answers to Edward’s questions, almost easily the best part of the book, and canon-compliant with Twilight. Bella herself comes out as much more winsome, bright, and quirky through Edward’s perspective, traits that were less emphasized in her POV for obvious reasons. Even the stupid antis acknowledge that

Clown Antis: “Edward ~forced her to leave everything she wanted!1!1!!1” Literally Edward: “I realized how important it was for me to know her plans for the future. So I didn’t derail them. So I could shape this unlikely future into the best version to suit her.”

Bella being initially alarmed at Edward in the sun is possibly a retcon. In Twilight she did say the sight was “shocking,” but I thought it was mostly in a romantic way. But it does make sense lore-wise that she would think of him on fire at first. This is Edward’s POV, so he could just be assuming that is Bella’s alarm. Still, I wonder why Bella would skip over the extended “You aren’t repulsed by my flagrant lack of humanity?” exchange. I guess she took it for granted she wasn’t afraid????

Edward counting insects in the meadow etc. is just so…not really hilarious in context. The parodies made it seem like he was some neurodivergent nerd. In actual context he was just trying to distract himself from Bella’s scent.

“Better to see myself as the whole, bad and good, and work with the reality of it.” So mature and much better than anything else in this genre. Edward is growing and learning

“Regardless, I have better reflexes.” You’re (still) a whore, Edward. Nice to know that hasn’t changed.

#twilight #twilight renaissance #cristina reads #midnight sun #edward is so juliet capulet-coded #when you know you know #play a drinking game every time edward mentions her blue blouse #the antis trying desperately to say this book was bad is laughable #otoh the people who say it is better than twilight are also clowns too #i think both are necessary and have their own power #both have similar arcs of finding and accepting love for themselves as well as each other #overcoming their self-esteem issues #bella finds the love and acceptance she needed and edward learns humility

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circus-babe · 1 year

Text

No survivors | 01

Synopsis: A new hope to this cruel world.

Genre: Apocalypse au, smut

Warning: Mentions of death, killing, weapons, blood

Pairing: Yoongi x Reader

Word count: 3,5k

Your anxiety was growing by the second, your hands shaking from fear. Who could ever blame you?

The world was getting destroyed, if it wasn’t already. Stores vandalized, broken glass shattered all around the roads, and even blood splattered around like a crime scene.

Except there wasn’t any.

It wasn’t always like that though. The world used to be a peaceful place, yeah maybe there would be some bad things on it but it can never compare to this.

What was supposed to be a small virus made innocent people turn into the creatures they are now. Those horrible and horrific creatures.

Called walkers or Zombies. No name is any better.

This is not what you ever imagined when you said a new world would come. You didn’t expect to see people being eaten alive by those undead things. The sight of them screaming, trying to fight for their life is so sad.

Yet you can’t do anything.

Everyone's for themselves now, this world has become so selfish. Anyone would kill to survive and it doesn’t mean it’s always to kill those undeads.

Some people take it up to themselves to hurt humans for food, water, or any other resources.

The government failed everyone, warning all people to wear masks and follow the safety precautions just for it all to go to shit. Without telling anyone what truly happened.

After five months of this happening you aren’t sure how you survived. In no way have you gotten used to the feeling of being outside though. The feeling of danger once you step outside your hiding spot. Looking around for any undead before taking any steps further.

The world became more fearful and it’s up to you to fight through it. To survive with what you got. And it’s not much. You’re brave in some parts, you managed to come outside a couple of times. Bring food for yourself and others but that bravery isn’t always there.

Sometimes fear washes over you and you freeze. The fear when you see a lot of them in an area and not knowing what to do. It’s scary but you have to suck it up. You are learning to.

Peeking through the corner, you see some undead looking in the other direction, something that made you relieved, but not too relieved.

Not trying to get any distractions, you quickly hid back on the wall. Feeling yourself getting nervous by the seconds.

This isn't the first time you've seen the undead nor will it be the last. Sometimes you do hope it's the last time you see them and that this is just an awful nightmare you will wake up from, unfortunately that hope is slowly fading away.

Mostly because it doesn’t seem to get any better no matter how much time passes by.

As your grip on the bat got tighter, you slowly focused yourself towards the sound of the undead.

The horrifying and disgusting sound each one of them made. It's unbelievable to think that those undead out there were once normal humans. Humans that were just living their regular lives not knowing all of this would happen. The thought of the pain they had to go through makes your heart shatter.

But now is not the time to cry, you need to be strong to survive. No weakness is allowed and that means not crying over bullshit that happened before.

There’s many rules that are being applied now, rules you created yourself. The world changed you and you have to accept the change before it’s too late. If you are weak you die, if you are too slow you die, if you are alone without actual knowledge you die.

No other solution.

"Okay y/n if you do this right you will live" you whispered to yourself while pulling the black bandana to cover your nose and mouth.

Every time you went outside, you always got your face covered with blood after hitting them to death. Not a pleasant thing to say but it was true. So this time you brought a bandana. The bandana your father used to wear on his wrist because it was his only thing he got left from his parents. Which now makes you realize how valuable the bandana truly is.

As you took your last deep breath, you started to make your way across the street without getting any attention from the undead.

Taking slow steps and not trying to make any noise, which was truly important to not do in this situation. You continued walking closely to the wall, eyes scanning the area, and your hand clutching to the bat.

Once you reached the end of the concrete wall, you started crouching towards a bush on the side of the road, making you pause when you heard an undead way too close to you. Heavy breathing, you crouched beside the bush, trying to stay as still as possible.

Without moving, your eyes slowly averted to the undead that was making its way closer to you. Bit by bit it moved its legs slowly on the dirt road. You wanted to move, however if you did the undead would see you right away and kill you. If you are too close it can smell you as well. So for now you have to pray that it goes towards a different direction.

The undead continued to come closer towards you, making you even more nervous. You hit many undead before, that’s nothing new. But there was always fear that surrounded you whenever you saw one.

It’s normal to be scared, mostly in this situation. But fear isn’t always good, and you should know that more than anyone.

The only solution you could think of at this moment was to hit it. That’s if the undead gets too close to you.

As you were getting ready to stand up and hit the undead, you were quick to be stopped when a gunshot was loudly heard. Confused, you looked over towards the destroyed store the sound of the gunshot came from. There were people here besides you?

It was a relief knowing there were other people trying to survive just like you, but there was also fear. Everyone is now for themselves, humans turned selfish. And if you are an obstacle you get crushed.

Instead of going towards you, the undead now started heading towards the sound, making you sigh in relief. Once you saw it far away from you, you started to crouch your way out and towards the empty home.

Not letting the bat go, you looked over towards both sides and once it was clear you crossed the road quickly. Smiling, you started running towards the house but stopped once you heard a scream, a scream that was so damn powerful.

Gulping you turn towards the sound which came from the same shop you heard the gunshot from. There is definitely someone there that needs help, but are you willing to risk your life for them?

There’s no time for being the hero, in some situations it is okay to be selfish. As harsh as that sounds it’s reality now.

Biting your lip you looked over, trying to see how many undead there were. And not surprised you are met with more than six of them. Shaking your head, you turned away from the shop not really wanting to risk your life for whoever was in there.

Once again another gunshot came from the place making you feel guilty. You know damn well that if it was someone else they wouldn't have helped you or even try to. But you are not like that, you can't be. After all, this was once a peaceful world. Might as well try to make it better at least for a little.

Sometimes you hate your weak heart.

With a sigh, you turned around and ran towards the shop not caring about anything other than saving whoever was in there.

Quickly you stopped though, trying to analyze the amount of undead inside and out, for the most part whoever was in there got half of them. Which concludes that they are out of bullets now.

There were too many for you to fight and if you tried to, you would die. So a plan is the right move. Nervously, you started to look around scanning anything that can help you but you only landed on a big rock.

If you use that big rock to smash the glass window from across the road the noise will attract the undead. Since they mostly go for sound and not much of actual hunting. Quickly, you made your way towards the rock, which you slowly picked up for its weight.

"This is it y/n. Either you do it or you die" you firmly said to yourself, not letting fear get to you.

The biggest mistake you can do in an apocalypse is let fear get to you, that is called suicide. To be able to survive you need to act without thinking which it's what you are about to do.

With all the force you had, you threw the rock across the road and into the big window who in just seconds shattered everywhere, making some glass cut your face. Without hesitating you ran away from it and into the back of the shop. Pushing the door open with your leg as you quickly headed inside, but stopped in mid track.

"Are you okay?" you asked, walking closer to the person who was holding his arm in pain, while blood was dripping onto the floor. All kinds of thoughts were crossing your mind. What if he got bitten? Were you too late?

"Hello?" you spoke up again, coming closer to the person who slowly turned towards you, his face showing you that he was visibly in pain. Scared you waited for whoever it was to speak.

"Thank you" the person spoke up, making you confused but you nodded either way. Slowly your eyes averted to his hand which was covered in blood. It didn't look like a bite, you seen way too many of them to know that what he has isn't one. He was stabbed in the hand.

"Your hand"

"Yeah.. i landed on the wrong side of the floor" he laughed lightly, while trying to cover the pain. Coming closer to him, you examined his hand to check for any other deeper wounds which thankfully you didn't find.

"Come with me" you said, not letting him say anything before you dragged him outside of the shop while still being careful of your surroundings. The person was more of a friendly person than you expected it to be.

In an apocalypse it is very rare to find someone with a friendly vibe. Not that you are asking for it with this whole thing happening. Everyone is rather harsh than kind. But it’s nice to find someone friendly enough.

Without saying a word the person followed you towards the house you were going to enter earlier. Closing the door and the extra locks on the side of the door, just for safety.

Silently, you made your way towards him.

"Alright dude, let's fix this wound" you said, making him sit on the couch as you went to look for the first aid kit you saved for emergencies, while putting your backpack with some food on the side.

You aren’t sure if you have enough food for two. With how rare it is to find something that isn’t expired or already empty, wasting it is dangerous. You have a couple of cans that will last you and him for approximately one week.

And then you have to go hunt again.

"Why did you do that?" he asked, watching you rummage through the cabinets until you found the aid kit. Ignoring his question, you walked closer towards him, kneeling down and signaling him to extend his hand towards you, which he slowly does.

"This will hurt" you told him as you poured some rubbing alcohol into a cloth and pressed it into his palm, which he immediately hissed at. His eyes stayed on his hand while yours were doing just the same.

The whole time there was this awkward silence, just like when you first meet someone. A silence you hate so much. It was the reason why you would hate to meet new people.

The process didn’t take too long, after disinfecting the cut, all you had to do was wrap it up.

While you were wrapping his palm with the bandage, you noticed the sadness in his eyes, and if it weren’t that noticeable you would’ve ignored it.

Instead it made you wonder what was going on in his head. Something probably happened back there that hurt him not just physically but mentally as well. It’s common in this new reality.

"Are you alright?" you finally decided to break the silence and ask him, trying to make a conversation with him. He slowly looked towards you and gave you a small nod.

"Yeah" he looked down at his hand again, without taking your eyes from him you gave his shoulder a touch. Something about him seemed familiar, maybe it was because you found those same eyes and look familiar.

"You lost someone, didn't you?" you asked, recognizing that same familiar face and look he was giving you.

You weren't always alone, you were once in two groups. And one of those groups just had to be your family. You were determined to help them, to keep them safe and protected, especially your younger sister which you loved so much.

Unfortunately that's not what happened since at some point the undead caught up to you and your family. Biting them in the process. You never intended on leaving them, you were actually planning on dying with them, but they wanted you safe. They wanted for you to continue living which probably was the worst decision you have ever taken. It's been almost two months since that incident happened but you'll never forget it.

"Yeah.." he quietly answered, making all those memories of your family come back to you once again. "You know my mother once did the same thing you are doing right now. She helped me with my wound just the exact same way you are doing it." he softly laughed, keeping his eyes on his arms which now you realized the meaning behind it.

"Thank you" he said, finally meeting your eyes which had a little more happiness in them. Giving him a small smile you caressed your thumb on his free hand.

Something about him was just so calming. It felt as if you knew him for years as if he was your best friend. Being with him felt so comforting yet so heart warming which you haven't felt ever since your family died.

"Don't thank me, I'm sure anyone would've done it" and by the look he made you knew he figured out your lie. There's no way anyone would've helped him, not with these circumstances. Everyone's for themselves right now, which you find so selfish but you understand where they are coming from.

Surviving is what they are aiming for and people will slow them down. You learned a lot about being a burden with a small group.

After your family, you didn’t have much. Your survival skills were lacking and when you found another group they took you in. Teaching you ways to kill the undead with just smashing their brain with a knife, or smashing their head with a bat.

You thanked them for that, and only that. You then figured out they were going to betray you. To which didn’t happen because you ran away from that place and ever since then, you have been surviving on your own.

You aren’t sure if they are still alive, but you don’t really care now.

“Are you alone?” you stood up, walking back to the table as you started taking out the cans from your backpack, side-eyeing him from time to time

“No, I was with my friends.” he silently said, and if it wasn’t so quiet in the house you were staying at you swore you wouldn't have heard it. “But we separated when the undead started surrounding us.”

It would mean they all took it for themselves, running towards different directions trying to save themselves. That’s smart, the only thing is finding them is difficult.

“So you don’t know if they are alive?” you said, the sentence coming out more bitter than you intended it to be. It was true but the way you said it sounded harsh.

“No, but I hope they are” he silently said, making you sigh once you took out the last can and a couple of water bottles you found.

“What’s your name?” you asked, walking closer to him with a small water bottle, handing it to him as he slowly took it. “Jungkook and thank you” he said, to which you just nodded. “And you?”

“Y/n” you said, as he started drinking from the water bottle, sighing with relief once he gulped it all down. You could tell he was thirsty. It made you conclude he was out there for a while.

“Are you alone?” he asked, putting the empty bottle on the coffee table. “Yeah” you answered quickly, making it short. He should’ve known that when he didn’t see anyone else in the house.

“For how long?” he then decided to ask, making you shrug. It’s been some time, maybe over two months since you truly didn’t stay much with the other group. It’s been just you after that.

“About two months i would say” you said, making him nod as he took out his backpack. “I have some stuff here, some canned food and some chocolate. Here, take it.” he laughed at the last part, taking out a chocolate bar from his backpack as he handed it to you.

With a small smile you took it. God you haven’t seen chocolate ever since this started. You missed it so much. Opening the chocolate bar, you split it in half, giving the other one to him.

“Until you find your group, you can stay here, i don’t mind” you said, standing up as you motioned for him to do so. To which he quickly did, silently following you towards a room.

The house was small, it was one of those cozy homes that didn’t have much space. But it did you the favor of keeping you hidden. You know that at some point you have to move locations since the food storage is running out.

So you will enjoy it for the time being.

“There’s two rooms here, you can sleep in this one” you said, opening the door as it revealed a small room. A bed and two nights stands besides it.

Nothing special but it helped.

Closing the door, you walked towards the other door. “And this is the bathroom, with how they will soon cut the water, the water is limited but you can shower” you said, opening the door as you pointed inside.

You got used to this home. It wasn’t yours, you used to have a small apartment in one of those buildings, but with everything happening you had to leave and find your family, to which luckly they came to visit you for the summer.

It wasn’t much luck though.

“So that’s all, are you hungry?” you asked, standing in front of him as you now got to realize his height. You didn’t notice just how tall he is.

“Yeah” he shyly said, making you chuckle.

With that you both walked into the kitchen, opening two cans of corn and eating that for the day. You both had some conversations here and there but there was still some awkward tension which was normal.

As night time started approaching he went on to shower and once he was done you went and showered as well. It was a well needed shower. The last thing was sleep, you could tell he was tired and with undead out there you decided to keep guard for the night.

He wanted to guard though, talking about how it wasn’t fair to you but you insisted until he finally agreed and headed to bed.

You aren’t sure if keeping him here was a good idea. Starting with the fact that it’s an extra person. Another human being you had to look out for. You aren’t sure of his skills or how great he is at defending himself.

You aren’t great yourself but you’re getting the hang of killing them more easily. And it’s not just about safety but food and supplies as well. The place you were staying in was a bit far from those shops. Around a twenty minute walk back and forth.

It was going to sting now that you had him but it was nice having some company. You got used to being by yourself but it still felt lonely from time to time.

He seemed friendly, a bit too friendly. But you assume he wants to have a positive attitude in this situation.

As the sky turned dark, you stood by the window checking around if any of them would come around. Switching from the living room towards the kitchen, the backdoor and back to the living room.

It was your duty now and you somehow felt responsible for him as well.

#min yoongi #yoongi #BTS suga #min yoongi scenarios #min yoongi imagine #yoongi imagine #yoongi scenerious #bts #bts scenarios #min yoongi x reader #yoongi x reader #bts suga x reader #min yoongi smut #bts smut #bts fanfic #bts fan fiction

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myechoecho · 9 months

Text

Do Ha handled hearing about Sol Hui’s power well. He was surprised with it, thought it over and then just rolled with it. He accepts her. I also enjoyed them solving the bakery’s mystery bug together.

For a brief moment, when we see Sol Hui in the past with her mom, her mom almost seemed ok. She had a point - just because it’s a lie, Sol Hui shouldn’t necessarily reveal it to everyone. I imagine the little girl lied about having a father to fit in. But then Sol Hui’s mom says everyone will leave her if they knew which clearly upset Sol Hui. I guess there’s probably some truth to that but why would you say that to child?

Do Ha’s mom stays awful. Imagine being a murder suspect and having it called a “happening”. And honestly even if he did go to Germany he’s still a former murder suspect. The “happening” still exists and so it won’t help her with her political career. Good for Do Ha for calling her out on using him to further her career until he was no longer useful.

Syaon also stays awful. Syaon really just expects Sol Hui to move and cut all ties. It’s actually kinda pathetic because she knows that Sol Hui is someone different for Do Ha. If you have to go that far to cling to someone would you really be happy? Except she’s not just pathetic. She’s selfish, manipulative and cruel. She deliberately pours salt in his wound and causes him more trauma just so he can “see” her. Are you sure you love him Syaon? I haven’t decided if Syaon answers Sol Hui because she was so flustered by the question or if she figures Sol Hui will push Do Ha away once she knows.

I do like that Do Ha was going to tell Sol Hui about his past already when she asked him about it. But when he says he didn’t kill her, it comes up as a lie again. I really wonder what the truth is as there is no way that he killed her.

To be honest, I wouldn’t be surprised if his ex was alive. My working theory is that she clung so hard to Do Ha as a way to escape her brother (which is still wrong to do to Do Ha). We’ve already seen that her brother is violent and possessive. I feel that there are quite a few plot holes in this theory but we really know little about what happened then and it’s all I got at the moment. Though also being okay with Do Ha being a murder suspect is pretty awful too so maybe she is dead and he feels like he is at fault. I’m all over the place with this.

I really loved seeing Do Ha and Sol Hui hanging out and socializing with their peers. Both are fairly isolated so it’s nice to see that change for them.

Finally, it looks like Sol Hui’s ex has some kind of medical problem which I don’t care about. Probably the reason he started to lie to her. If he had only told her the truth (or even said I’m not ready to talk about it, which was probably true) they likely would have been together still. Sucks to be him, I guess.

#my lovely liar #kdrama

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jeniffercheck · 7 months

Note

what do you think shivlina’s first big blowout fight is over and how does it play out?

omg first blowout fight i had to really think about it (shocking considering how many shivlina arguments i've written). under the cut bc i had a lot to say i suppose

i'm considering it under strict terms of canon, so fully affair files, & i think it would have to be over something extremely inconsequential that gets blown wayyy out of proportion just due to high emotions and a lot of miscommunication.

my gut is honestly that it would have something to do with shiv's pregnancy mixed with karolina's press release call when logan passed in the plane. there would be rocky moments for sure before that point, but first extreme blowout fight, definitely a compound of those two events.

thinking about it based on that, i think it could start with karolina accidentally finding out about the pregnancy, or shiv tells her a very bad moment to tell her -- keeping in mind that karolina is also riding the wave of all the tomshiv drama at this time as well, like full emotional labor on her end for shiv -- and her reaction would be good, but of course not great, because she's in love with shiv and they're having an affair and now they're bringing a kid into it?? which feels wrong and she hates tom and now tom is kind of inside of shiv and the layers just go on and on and on. that would be the first crack of like, something is not right between the two of them but they're both going to keep pretending that things are fine, because so many other things are fucked up and they're both the most stable thing in each other's lives currently.

then logan dies, and karolina has to make that phone call, and she's calling shiv, yes, but she's in a small plane with a lot of people and logan's body is literally right there, and she doesn't know who is with shiv and it's not like she can just go into girlfriend karolina mode, like she's literally on the clock and someone needs to write the press release so she is writing it!!!! (babygirl is compartmentalizing the whole house down) and she needs one of the roy kids to participate!! and obviously shiv is mad at her. like if there's one person in the world she could use comfort from at that moment it's karolina, and karolina is the one essentially driving the knife in, treating logan's death like business, and shiv our sweet selfish girlfail is pissed.

and to me, it wouldn't be that specific thing that she's mad about, but it's something small enough that she can latch onto and blame karolina for, and then she'd drag the pregnancy into it, and then she'd bring tom/caroline's betrayal into it ("did you know?") and it would all come pouring out with karolina as the target (shiv our fave emotional war crime) & karolina wouldn't take it, bc all of this has sucked for her by proxy and she doesn't take shiv's shit ever, even sometimes in moments where she could be kind and let shiv let it out, but shiv would definitely get mean and say things that just aren't true, and karolina would defend herself and she'd be honest with shiv, and it would be truly awful and horrible and they would probably cry :(

#but karolina wouldn't tell shiv that she'd make a bad mother<333333 #then they'd kiss and make up of course #answered #shivlina

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allycat75 · 4 months

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Thought you had the luxury of not needing to work anymore, Boston Dumb Fuck!

But here you and your Nazi wifey are at the D-list Golden Globe afterparties, metaphorically sucking dick for your next gig, while your friends who weren't lazy assholes and actually did the work got to go the the real soirees.

At least the tabloids have a non-photoshopped picture to use for any future unimportant story where you look somewhat happy, but that just means more manipulation and mind fuckery (don't know why it disappeared from the Vogue website, but cleaver people can find it easy enough- the internet is forever). I don't say this to many people, but I hope you feel really awful. Like you had to go home and take a Silkwood shower awful after the event to get the stench of the wifey, hypocrisy and failure off of you.

You used to be so smug about LA (and hey, I have a love-mostly hate relationship with it too) and felt superior about being a normal suburbanite from Massachusetts. I bet you can see now it doesn't matter the geography- Hollywood/LA is a state of mind that feeds off the most weak-willed and meek-minded, and you got caught in the net, you selfish egomaniac.

And yes, I know there is an "X" in this equation none of us are seeing and it must be bad for you to fuck up your life this badly, but I will remind you, you always have a choice and this shitty one didn't come out of nowhere. It was born out of many other shitty choices you made of your own volition that forced your hand.

Too bad you couldn't run into Taraji P. Henson and hear what real struggle in the industry is like, but then again, she doesn't owe you anything. Her story is her own to tell when and to whom she wants.

But you do have some time to salvage something of a life and career, nothing what it looked like before, but that may not be such a bad thing. However, every day you are mired in this disinformation quicksand the further you will get from anything resembling a true and free life. It will encase you, like a bug in amber.

#Check your Privlege #boston racist #boston antisemite #you are the company you keep #i don't like hypocrites #liars suck!#i hate manipulation #coward #get some help #ai in human form #do better #who are you #is this who you want to be?#is your mom still proud?#tick tock #Alternative facts and emotional truths are a mind fuck

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hollywoodxwhore · 1 year

Text

wanted (part 16)

Colson x Original Female Character x Pete

I promise I'm wrapping up!!!! I just can't help myself with these boys!

Warnings: tiny bit of smut, mentions of mental illness/not eating due to mental illness, swearing, mushy feely stuff

I’m physically sick with guilt.

But maybe it doesn’t even matter. It’s been almost three weeks now since Colson kicked me out of his room. I haven’t talked to Pete, either. I’ve been isolating myself at home, avoiding all of my friends and focusing solely on school and writing. It hurts too much to try to go along with my normal routine knowing Colson isn’t by my side, or even Pete.

I’m on my couch, curled up, watching some reality TV show that I couldn’t care less about. My stomach cramps; I haven’t been eating much. But I just shift positions until it goes away. I’m dozing off when someone knocks on my door. Frowning, I check my phone. 7:14 PM. I get up cautiously and peer through the peephole. My heart seizes in my chest when I see Colson.

I take a deep breath and open the door. I don’t look at him. I’m too terrified of what I’ll see in his eyes. Regret? Anger? Decisiveness? Do I need to prepare for a break-up? Did Pete tell him?

“Hey,” he says. I’ve missed that voice. Finally, I muster the courage to lift my eyes to his, and my breath hitches. His blue eyes are filled with remorse and anguish, and something else - love. So much love. A sob sneaks out before I can hold it in. “Fuck,” Colson says, stepping forward to wrap me in his arms. I’ve missed him so much and everything is all too much. I cling to him, sobbing, and then, guilt crashes into me. But so does anger. I get that mental illness is serious. I struggle, too. But I didn’t deserve cruelty or neglect.

I shove him away, harder than I intend to, and then cross my arms, curling in on myself. “You left me,” I mutter. I’m not entirely sure that’s exactly true, but I felt so rejected for almost a month, and it still hurts.

“I know,” Colson says quietly, looking down at his feet. “I’m so sorry. Alex….”

I sniff and turn around, going to sit on the couch. He takes it as a silent invitation and steps into my apartment, shutting the door behind him. After he takes off his shoes, he sinks into the couch beside me.

“Alex,” he says after a moment. God, all I want to do is stare at him, rememorize his face. Somehow, his hair seems so much longer. He’s definitely lost weight, which worries me because he was already so thin. But he does seem better.

“Alex,” Colson repeats, and finally, I look at him. His throat bobs. “I…I can’t control myself when I get like that,” he says slowly. “I don’t even know who I am. All I know is that I want to be alone and wallow in my own misery. I know it hurt you - I know that I hurt you. I am so sorry, baby.”

I sniff and quickly wipe my tears. “That really hurt, Colson,” I say.

“I know,” he says miserably. “I know. But Alex…”

I look at him then, hearing the serious tone of his voice. My brow furrows in curiosity.

Colson wets his lips and sighs, studying my face. “Alex, I love you,” he says finally, and I lose my breath.

It seriously takes me a few long seconds before I can breathe again, and when I do, I suck in a ragged, shaky breath. God dammit. I need to tell him. “Colson-”

“You don’t have to say it back,” Colson says. “But I mean it. I felt it before all this, and I’m sure of it now. I love you.”

“Colson, Pete and I slept together,” I blurt, and I’m a little shocked that a wave of vomit doesn’t follow my words. I feel wretched. Awful. Selfish.

Colson blinks, considers. “Oh,” he says. “Um. Do you…love me too?”

I blink, too, staring at him. “That’s…all you’re going to say about it?” I ask slowly, confused.

Colson shrugs and scratches his head. “Am I supposed to be mad?” he asks.

I shake my head, trying to clear away the confusion wrapping around my brain. “But…you and I, we’re together. Not you, me, and Pete.”

Colson shrugs. “I mean, the three of us kind of are. Together, I mean,” he says.

I give him an incredulous look. “Wait, what? Did y’all make a decision and forget to include me?” I ask. “Because last I checked, you and I were together and Pete was an occasional third who’s afraid of commitment.”

Colson cocks his head and gives me a knowing look. “You tryna tell me it’s just sex with Pete?”

I sputter and trip over my words. “I-I – what?” I shake my head. “Colson.”

“Alex,” Colson says with a chuckle. He sets a hand on my knee. His eyes are playful, and slowly, the knot in my stomach loosens. “You have feelings for Pete, too. I know it.”

“I-I–”

“So do I,” he continues. “I know he likes you, too. And me. We all like each other. Well, I love you,” he corrects, and my heart flutters.

“Wait…you’re okay with this?” I ask.

“If you are,” Colson says.

“We need to call Pete. I’m so confused,” I groan, covering my face.

Colson chuckles. “Polyamory is a thing, Alex,” he says. “There’s room in my heart for both of you. I think it’s the same for you, and for Pete.”

“But Pete doesn’t date,” I say, shaking my head again. My temples throb.

Colson shrugs. “Not before us, really,” he says. “But I can almost guarantee if we told him we wanted to date him he’d say yes.”

I massage my temples. “Call him. Tell him to get over here.”

Colson chuckles and does as he’s told.

Twenty minutes later, Pete walks in with a confused look on his face, and fuck, Colson was right. I really do have feelings for Pete. He kicks off his shoes and looks between me and Colson. “What the hell is going on?” he asks.

“Pete,” Colson says, guiding Pete to sit in the armchair. “Alex and I have something to tell you.”

“Oh Jesus,” he says, eyes widening. “Are you pregnant?”

“Fuck no!” Colson and I exclaim in unison.

Colson shakes his head. “Pete, no,” he says. “We…we don’t want to just fuck anymore.”

Pete’s face falls but he tries to hide it. “Oh. That’s fine,” he says quietly, averting his eyes.

“Jesus, Cols, way to scare him,” I admonish, shoving Colson’s shoulder. “Pete,” I say, waiting until he looks at me before continuing. “We don’t want to just fuck anymore,” I repeat.

Pete frowns but then clarity washes over his features. “Oh. As in…you guys want more.”

“Yeah,” Colson says, looking at Pete. “We want more.”

Pete swallows. “How does this even work?”

“I don’t know,” I confess. “But do we have to figure it all out now?”

“I guess not,” Pete says. “But…”

“Pete,” Colson interrupts. “Do you have feelings for Alex? For me?”

Pete nods, cheeks flushing slightly.

“And we both have feelings for you,” Colson says, and now it’s his turn to blush. “So who says we can’t be together? All three of us.”

“No one, I guess,” Pete says. “Is this…legal?”

Colson and I laugh. “It’s not illegal,” I say. “I don’t know how marriage works exactly, but I think we’re a long way out from that.”

“Definitely,” Colson says with a laugh.

“Do you need time to think?” I ask Pete.

Pete looks at me, then at Colson. He gets to his feet and comes over to me, cupping my chin as he drops to his knees before me. “No,” he says quietly. “I know what I want.” Then, he kisses me, and my heart soars in my chest. Holy shit. Is this really happening? I don’t have to choose. There’s room in my heart for both Pete and Colson.

Pete breaks the kiss and then turns to face Colson. The blonde grabs the other man’s face and pulls him in for a kiss harder than the one Pete and I shared. My heart pounds and my stomach squeezes with affection as I watch them together. I hadn’t known something like this was possible, but the joy I feel is like nothing I’ve felt before.

They break apart and Pete joins us on the couch. “Colson?” I say, and they turn to me. I bite my lip, cheeks reddening. “Um. I love you, too.” Colson beams, pulling me close for a kiss. When we pull back I look at Pete. “And Pete, I, uh, I love you, too.”

Pete grins and so does Colson. They pull me in and I’m lying across both of their laps now, and we’re laughing and kissing and cuddling. “I love you guys, too,” Pete says.

I feel giddy, squished against these two men that I get to love and who love me back. Colson bends to kiss me and as I shift, my stomach cramps and I wince.

“You okay?” Colson asks with a frown.

I smile sheepishly. “I kind of haven’t eaten in a while,” I say.

Pete’s eyes narrow. “In how long?” he asks.

I shake my head. “It doesn’t matter,” I say. “But I think my appetite just came back.”

Half an hour later, my coffee table is shoved out of the way and the three of us are on the floor with Chinese food and Cards Against Humanity. Pete groans when Colson chooses my card again.

“Al, how are you so good at this?” he asks.

I shrug, swallowing a bite of orange chicken and rice. “It’s a gift,” I say, and Colson snorts.

Pete lifts a black card and, after Colson and I lay down our white cards, I pause to observe the room. The moment. The three of us, all together, really together, and I get a glimpse of our future. It feels so safe and warm and comforting and exciting all at the same time.

I come back to earth at the sound of Pete’s voice repeating my name. His eyes crinkle as he grins amusedly. “Where’d you go?” he asks.

I smile and take the black card, another victory. “Nowhere,” I say, looking between them. Pete - sweet, warm, and funny. Colson - sexy, sensitive, and intelligent. Two men that are utterly perfect for me. Suddenly, my stomach clenches with desire. Colson looks too delicious, long legs spread out before him, wearing sweats and a t-shirt, hair messy. And Pete, his brown hair having grown long, in sweats and a sweatshirt. They sit side by side leaning back against the couch, their shoulders touching. They’re every woman’s fantasy and they’re all mine.

I shove the cards aside and the boys watch me as I move closer, straddling them so that I have one leg over one of theirs. Colson’s hand finds my hip and Pete’s tucks my hair behind my ear. First, I lean into Colson, his eyes fluttering shut as I kiss him deeply. Pete’s hand moves down my side, caressing my curves as I kiss Colson deeply, humming in pleasure.

Colson makes a husky little sound when I pull back, and his eyes are darker when he opens them. I smirk lightly and lean into Pete next, and his warm mouth welcomes mine with a kiss so hot that my body tingles down to my toes. Heat settles between my spread legs and I press closer to them.

I pull back from Pete and Colson takes the opportunity to wrap his hand around my hair, tugging it so my head falls back just slightly. He leans in, grazing lips and teeth gently over my throat. I shiver, swallowing thickly.

“Tell us what you want, baby,” Colson mumbles into my skin. His hand strokes my leg slowly, moving higher until the pads of his fingers press into the soft flesh of my inner thigh.

I bite my lip, going quiet when it occurs to me what I want. Why does it feel so stupid to say out loud?

“Hey,” Colson says gently, noticing my sudden hesitancy. “What is it, love?”

“That. That’s what I want,” I blurt.

Colson’s brow furrows in confusion but then a gentle hand cups my chin and Pete turns my face so he can look into my eyes. “Love,” he murmurs, warm, brown eyes fixed on mine. “That’s what she wants.”

I glance at Colson who nods slowly, understanding. Then, he smiles softly, the corners of his eyes crinkling. White teeth peek out to bite down on his lip. But then, the warmth fades from his face, replaced by…fear? Discomfort?

“Col?” I ask quietly, touching his face. “What is it?”

He swallows hard, fingers twitching on my thigh. I look at Pete helplessly. Pete studies Colson for a moment and then nods once. “Let’s go to the bedroom,” he says decidedly. He and I get to our feet, and Colson hesitates for a moment before getting up. I reach out for his hand and he takes mine, avoiding my eyes. I frown and lead the way to my room.

Pete sits on the bed first and then reaches for Colson. “C’mere,” he says gently. Once Colson is tucked up against Pete’s side, Pete gestures for me to join so Colson is sandwiched between us. Pete’s arm is wrapped around Colson’s shoulders so I snuggle into his chest, draping my arm over his waist.

We lie quietly for a few minutes. Pete starts to play slowly with Colson’s hair and I steal a glance up at them. Pete looks thoughtful, like he’s considering what to say. Finally, he turns and presses a kiss to Colson’s forehead. “It’s okay,” he finally says, voice soft. I watch as Colson’s lip twitches. He looks so upset. What is going on? Did I say something wrong?

“Col?” I ask quietly. “Baby. Tell me what’s wrong.”

Colson’s eyes open and he looks up at Pete who nods. “It’s okay,” Pete assures Colson. “I promise.”

“I’ve never done that before,” Colson finally mutters. My brow furrows but then understanding washes over me. He’s never made love before. Shit. Neither have I, really.

“Me neither,” I say quietly.

“Me neither,” Pete adds.

“So let’s do it together. The first time for all of us,” I say gently. “It’s okay to be vulnerable. No one’s going anywhere.”

“Even me,” Pete says. He gives me a sad look. “I’m sorry I left, Alex.”

It still stings, Pete’s ghosting of me after we hooked up the first time. I give him a wobbly smile. We all are still carrying so much pain, but we can move past it together. I know we can.

I scoot up the bed just a little so I can reach Pete’s face, and then I lean over Colson’s body to kiss the brunette. “It’s okay,” I murmur against his lips. “We’re okay.” Then, I cup Colson’s cheek and turn his face to mine. He’s a little tense, clearly so scared, and as I kiss him, I hope this is enough to show him he can trust me, he can trust us. I’ll never hurt him. I’ll never hurt either of them. I swear it to myself in this moment that, as long as I live, I’ll live to make these two people happy.

#machine gun kelly #mgk #colson baker #pete davidson #machine gun kelly fanfic #mgk fanfic #colson baker fanfic #pete davidson fanfic #pelly fanfic #pete x colson

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tojikai · 1 year

Note

Drama, Pregnancy, Cheating, Trauma, and Mommy Issues. OH HOW I MISSED THIS STORY.

(I'm apologizing now because for each chapter I'm genuinely just going to send a long ask of my thoughts and reactions that I had while reading. Beware.)

Chapter: IX

The mommy issues and trauma really shone through during this chapter. Hate how I could relate. It truly sucks having a parent who's a good person but a bad parent. Y/N love please get therapy. If not for yourself at least for your baby. You deserve to have some peace of mind. Especially after everything she's gone through.

He’d only choose you if she wasn’t one of the choices. MA'AM. You can't keep throwing sentences in here like this. You keep breaking my heart. That just hurt 🥹

Imma need Rie to shut up and not start stuff. So glad she kept her mouth quiet when talking to our mother. But she genuinely needs to realize that the person at fault is not y/n. It's Hoetoru's. He was the one in a relationship. He cheated when he was in a relationship with Y/N idk why you thought he'd be loyal with you but whatever.

When I tell you I cheered when she said you're not my boyfriend. GET HIM GIRL.

I've never liked Suguru but I like your version of him. He makes me feel things and I quite frankly don't appreciate it 😭. I just keep thinking about those tattoos. Especially when he rolled his sleeves up at the bar. IT'S NOT FAIR.

Not Hoejo saying you locked him out like he lives there or something. My guy go home, she don't want you. Be like Elsa and let it go.

Please tell me that this is the beginning of a budding romance between y/n and Suguru because honey that would be a plot twist. She never gets back together with Hoetoru, her baby has 3 parents who are all present in their life and everyone gets therapy. I feel like that's not gonna happen though. I'm going to be sad by the end of this series aren't I? Sigh.

Why does he need to know about y'all's business? Y'all are two grown adults who did a bit of the Devil's Tango. It happens. Hoejo don't gotta know what y'all be doing on the down low. You're still gonna tell him aren't you Geto? Please don't.

I need Gojo to stop acting like a boyfriend and start acting like a father. All you need to do it take care of Y/N and the health of the baby. All this other mess is extra. We don't need extra. We need you to be a responsible adult for just one day. I know it's hard for you hun but at least pretend or something.

I JUST KNOW HE ISN'T TALKING. I had to sit away from my phone after Hoetoru got mad at Geto. He really said I know I'm not her boyfriend but.... That's when he should've stopped talking but no he just had to keep going. 🤦🏽‍♀️ You mad? Aw poor thing. Could've all been avoided if you just drove her home and let it be.

Maybe it's just me. But I don't see anything wrong with what y/n did with Suguru. Maybe it's just my fury toward Gojo distorting my values but honestly I'm not seeing how this is a betrayal. But whatever, if y'all feel guilty i can't do anything about that. But I promise you that this betrayal is nowhere near as bad as what Gojo did. But to each his own. Y'all are better than I'll ever be.

HOW COME GOJO GOT TO PUNCH HIM? SKIP YOUR FEELINGS HOE! THIS WOULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED IF YOU DIDN'T CHEAT. I HATE IT HERE.

Previous sentence cancelled Geto got to punch him too. Oh nononono please I can't, don't make me cry. I loved her first. *Sobs loudly* Suguru is a true friend and even if he doesn't get y/n I hope he gets some closure.

I think it's interesting how Gojo and Geto are like 2 sides of the same coin. Both are willing to go through heaven and hell for this woman to be happy. However, Gojo is selfish while Geto is more selfless. Gojo keeps trying to force something despite the discomfort and pain that he's causing y/n. When Geto was just willing to let his feelings go because he knew it'd make things easier in y/n. I'm sure there's some people out there who'd love having a partner like Gojo who's willing to fight. But sometimes the best course of action is letting go. Especially if it's for the happiness of the person that you love.

He poured his heart out to you and you still... I don't have the energy to be mad at you anymore. I'm just done.

Oh that ending. Way to keep us on our toes.

I think the main reason why I love this story so much is the way you write makes me so emotionally attached to these characters. If only Gojo didn't cheat. If only Geto didn't give up on his feelings towards y/n. If only Gojo didn't drive Rie home that day. If only. If only. If only. It breaks my heart knowing all the possible outcomes and how this story's ending is most likely going to be bittersweet. But I can definitely tell how much you love what you're doing and how hard you've worked on this. This takes a lot of skill, time, and energy. So thank you. I'm gonna cry so hard when I get to this epilogue.

wow omgg i really enjoyed reading this !! it's nice to read a new perspective about what yn and geto did. gojo's character didn't want to be angry abt it, really. he's just so hurt and he also thinks that he doesn't have the right to be hurt bc of what he did. it's like all actions that he can take can be valid yet also invalid at the same time. it opened up the situation between them and yn before all of it. AND i like how you compared gojo and geto's love for yn !! it's nice to know that someone would fight with their whole heart and never give you up but it's also great to know that someone would rather hurt and let you go if it means your happiness🥺anyways thank you soooo much for your support, that means A LOT to me <33 i hope you're doing well ~!!

#🍭—kaitalks #f: permanent mark

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nukenai · 1 year

Text

this all sucksssss so bad life is so shit sometimes.

forgot if i talked about it here but like. with everything going on in my life and being financially responsible for an Entire House now, I came to the awful shit terrible decision to rehome Rain. tldr I know she could do great in some kind of lesson program where she’ll be worked like every day, she’s so sweet and friendly, can be a little fussy but I really feel like with consistent work (which I can’t really provide, especially with 2 horses), she’ll do a lot better. There’s just so many issues with trying to sell her otherwise, she’s older and a lot of people don’t want that, etc etc, so I’m just rehoming her. There’s a great barn about an hour away with an awesome lesson program and an accredited trainer, she came to see her with one of her adult students yesterday and they want her. The student lady kept saying how beautiful she was, she seemed really taken with her. The really selfish part of me is like, “well I could get money for her”, but what is most important is that she go somewhere she’ll be happy and live up to her potential which I know she has.

And I sit here like “this problem isn’t real, what a first world problem to have to get rid of ONE of your TWO HORSES” which I know isn’t true and isn’t fair to me at all. I’ve convinced myself that it’s the right thing to do - because it really is - but that doesn’t make me feel any better. I know people sell horses all the time, even in my situation where I’ve had Rain for 7 years. And I did put in the contract I made up that I get right of first refusal, and also asked the lady taking her beforehand, so if she wants to get rid of her or if she winds up not being right for the program or whatever, she would come back to me. It’s not an emergency that I need to rehome her, but I don’t want it to ever get to the point where it is.

It just sucks and I can’t stop crying and these are the times I hate being alone forever in this house with no one to talk to about shit like this. Though I have talked to my friends at the farm and they think I’m doing the right thing, they know I’m not getting rid of her for any kind of selfish reason, or anything like that. And everyone agreed with me that Rain would be great in some kind of program with consistent work.

It’s just going to be so weird going to the barn and not seeing her in the field with Rogue. Obviously I’m keeping Rogue - she’s the kind of horse where like, she’s been through so much shit, I don’t want to put her through being rehomed again. Rain can go anywhere and be fine and would honestly benefit from a different owner who can give her more. Rogue has such a bond with me, and pretty much only me, and it just wouldn’t be right to send HER off somewhere.

This is the part that makes me feel slightly bad but. I started considering this when I rode Rogue a couple weeks ago. Like Rain, she had sat all winter. Rain tends to be a little high strung when riding, she goes a little fast and gets anxious out on trails. I think she would absolutely get so much better if she was ridden more.

But Rogue isn’t like that. Once she got over her Big Trauma of moving here and I bonded with her, she does not act nervous at all when being ridden. No hyperventilating like she used to do, or like Rain STILL does. She was still calm after months of not being ridden. I think she’s just a better match of a horse for me, despite being still a bit green. She tends to go very slowly and prefers to stop randomly, rather than speed up because she’s nervous, like Rain does. And that feels like something I can work with a bit more. I hope that made any sense at all.

Rain is 22, but I feel like she could still give so much more, especially to learning students in a program. Consistency is key with her. I stressed to the woman taking her that Rain has NEVER been dangerous - no bucking, no bolting, none of that. She can just be fussy, and it’s a fussiness I think can be worked out. But I don’t really have the time/energy/stamina to do that. Rogue doesn’t have that fussiness, just a bit of laziness to work out of her. And for me, that’s a much better angle.

I wish none of this was happening but man that’s life. It fucking sucks so much though. I was really angry about it a few days ago but now I just feel sad. I think the worst part is the shock because I reached out to this lady who was actively searching for a horse, she came out to see her 2 days later, and a couple hours after that told me she wanted her. I want to take that as a “meant to be” sort of thing, that this will be a great home for her. And I’m sure it will be.

I know I need to allow myself to be sad. It does suck. But I feel like maybe, with the pressure of having 2 horses alleviated, I’ll be able to put more time into Rogue without feeling bad about less time being spent on Rain. Rogue seems a lot more like the chilled out trail horse I’ve always dreamed of, since I ride super casually and prefer going out on trails to being in the arena. Rain is the opposite and will even physically fight me when I try to get her to walk out of the arena LOL. Rogue, meanwhile, will stare outside when we’re in the arena and constantly head toward the gate.

I’m also an external thinker type of person and I need to write everything out like this and talk about it to get it all off my chest. Hence this wall of text.

I just hate it. Booo. Fuck.

#having to get rid of pets is awful!!!!!!!!!! for the record!!!!!

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