#anticipatory grief

[judas-redeemed]

been thinking a lot about anticipatory grief lately. i love you so much that i know losing you will devastate me. i haven't lost you yet but i already miss you. we still have time, but it won't be enough. i think about what i would say at your funeral, and say some of it to you now cause i need you to know how loved you are before you go. you will go where i cannot follow, but you will never really leave me. it won't make it hurt less but it is a part of healing somehow.

#on grief #anticipatory grief #if u need this tagged lmk #judas talks

[sl8tersstuff]

I live my life in a constant state of grief of what I did, what I didn’t do, and what I can never do.

#deep thoughts #quotes #life quote #poem #poetry #quote #quoteoftheday #literacy #words #writing #grief #anticipatory grief #grieving #friendship #relationship #self esteem #self sabotage #self reflection

[monkeymeghan]

Sorry I've been MIA. Life has had some pretty good highs and some really horrible lows recently. Christmas was great, but a few days later my mom went back into the hospital. After spending a day in the ER she was transferred back down to Philadelphia. She has a bad exacerbation of her CHF and it's not looking great. It's already gotten to the point where being the primary caregiver for both mom and dad has gotten to be too much, but now there's no way I'd be able to take care of her post-discharge, whenever that may be. Thankfully I have an amazing brother and SIL who are here for me and we are all going to do this together. My SIL drove me and dad down to Philly today to visit with mom. It took about an hour to get there. It was so nice to be able to see mom, not on facetime, but in person, and be able to hold her hand, talk to her, give her a hug and a kiss. But it was so fucking hard to see her like that. I don't know how long she will be in the hospital, but it's going to be a long stay. In the meantime, once the social workers reach out this week, we will all have to work together to figure out what type of facility is best suited for mom's needs, is close to home, and can safely provide all the care she needs. It kills me knowing that mom won't come back home. Just sitting here writing this, sitting in the living room where I usually am watching TV with mom at this hour, being here alone is hard. I'm crying just thinking about it. I hate this. I hate all of this. Coincidentally enough, the weekly email from church last week included a flyer about an anticipatory grief support group that another place nearby will be hosting. I signed up for it, its virtual, for 8 weeks, and starts February 1. I'm glad, because I don't know how to do this. I'm so scared.

#mom #chf #congestive heart failure #family #brother #sister #SIL #philadelphia #philly #hospitals #hospitalizations #anticipatory grief #support groups #personal

[littmel15-blog]

I wake up with constant fear.

Of losing you, Of losing time, Of losing my youth.

I go on with my day with the crippling fear of not enjoying the moment or time i have.

And although life, moments, or people are meant to come with uncertainty. I can hardly live to be content with that.

Because i’m scared if i enjoy the moment too much it might just be my last one.

#literature #poetry #romance poetry #romance poems #romance #poemsaboutlove #poemsbyme #daily poems #love poem #book lover #love him #like #breakup #anticipatory grief

[dontknowwhyiam]

i can’t remember when the thought of losing you went from ‘if’ to ‘when.’ i can’t remember when some part of my brain accepted that i can’t keep you here forever. i hope that some part of you can.

//pinterest // forever winter, taylor swift // pinterest // judas-redeemed, tumblr // pinterest // pinterest // pinterest // graceland too, phoebe bridgers // pinterest //

#web weaving #paralells #boygenius #phoebe bridgers #taylor swift #anticipatory grief #forever winter #graceland too

[saccharinesunbeams]

I live my life with a feeling of constant loss. For every moment I live is one I shall never have again. Every smile I have is one less in my grand total of smiles left to Smile.

I shall never be Here again. In this precise moment. Living this exact life. I walk down the street and I see faces of strangers I may never see again. I see buildings that won't be there forever. I fall into routines which I will someday fall out of.

There are people I may see everyday for a while, and then never again.

I will never feel this exact breeze in my hair. This rain on my face.

Every blade of grass beneath my feet shall grow and die. And the next time I stand in this exact spot trying to grasp on to some semblance of time outside of time. It will not be the same.

Everyday when I look in my bathroom mirror: I may not notice it, but I look ever so slightly different. I am different.

Everyday I think new thoughts. Or maybe the same old thoughts but in different circumstance. Different lighting or angle.

Nothing is steady or certain.

I know it is moving and yet I cannot hold on.

For that is the universal experience of being human: the moving. The living.

And I hate it sometimes. Most of the time. The Moving. But I do not hate the living. Not all the time. And I suppose if the loss is living then I should not hate the loss either.

#spilled feelings #spilled ink #time moves too fast #nostaligic #spilled thoughts #anticipatory grief

[witherbee]

i’ve realized i’m so loss-averse that i sometimes avoid opportunities because i know they’re going to end and i would rather not deal with the end. i’m so hung up on the anticipation of endings and sadness and goodbyes and it’s hard to savor the good stuff. i’m nowhere near where i need to be in terms of reframing this mindset, but i think realizing it is the first step.

#zine #zines #art #artist #collage #moving #grief #anticipatory grief #friendship #love #queer artist #home #transition #poetry #writing #poem #molly what the fuck are you on about?

[coyote-in-the-mirror]

Does it sicken you, knowing what's going to come?

Everyday worrying and wondering and wishing and praying to a god who refuses to listen

You're still here, still alive and breathing

But every day I grieve like you are by my side no longer

I hate death. I fear it.

I'd do anything to keep you with me

Anything

I'd burn the world down. Kill. Saw off my own arms.

If I had any wish in the world I'd use it to for you.

Stay. Please

I can't live without you.

I can't take anymore death.

Selfishly, I beg you to hold on for me.

#anticipatory grief #cw death #cw implied death #cw grief #tw death #tw grief #tw implied death #grief poetry #grieving #not feeling good today #I don't want to lose her #ask to tw

[beautifulbookishdisaster]

There are so many ways to haunt a person or a life - but uncertainty would always pull at him.

Emily St. John Mandel, The Glass Hotel

#book quotes #bookish quotes #book quotations #the glass hotel #emily st. john mandel #page 293 #paul #vincent #loss #anticipatory grief #uncertainty

[illumiera]

anticipatory grief is like you're staring at an approaching tidal wave or an oncoming train. yesterday you saw the first snowdrops in bloom. you don't sleep properly. soon, you will be hatching little yellow ducklings. you can't look at people the same age as your person without wanting to cry. your puppy gets so excited to see you that his entire lower body wags. you keep forgetting to reply to messages. the other day, you laughed so hard that tears were rolling down your face and your stomach hurt. the world is ending. the world is not ending.

#anticipatory grief #grief #grief tag #this disease is a thief

[lover-of-fictional-people]

anticipatory grief fucks me up

#just the thought that someday i will lose the people who are more than family to me is enough to send me into a spiral #i just cried for an hour while listening to long live #because i get attached to people so hard and when i finally do it's impossible for me to let them go or to even think about losing them #everything i've ever loved has claw marks on it #if anyone's gonna come at me with the 'you'll move on' bullshit istg- #i love my friends so much that i know it'll destroy me if i lose them #anticipatory grief #grief

[judas-redeemed]

at noon, you walk into the kitchen and flip on the light switch. the bulbs are dim, almost out, but you swear up and down you can't see without them. tie your hair back, tell me a story. i've probably heard it 5 or 6 times already, but i won't complain. in another life, i think, you were a writer. in this one, you were just loved more than you ever knew. i am trying not to look at you as though i have already lost you. i rewrite your eulogy in the back of my mind, while i wash the dishes for you. you haven't let anyone take a picture of you in years. sitting with you while we make dinner together, i try to memorize the crinkle of your eyes when you smile at me. what will i do when you're not here to smile anymore? one day, i will come back to a home that is empty of your brightness. at noon, i will walk into the kitchen and flip on the light switch. i hope whatever is waiting for you on the other side has all the lighting you need to see how much we love you.

#the grief keeps spilling out #judas talks #anticipatory grief #on grief #on love #poetry #writing #my poetry #poem #poems

[sl8tersstuff]

I grieve who I was a year ago, who I was a month ago, and who I was yesterday; I even grieve who I will be tomorrow.

#deep thoughts #quotes #life quote #poem #poetry #quote #quoteoftheday #literacy #words #writing #self identity #jealousy #grief #anticipatory grief #grieving #relatable

[monkeymeghan]

Heh, or ALL OF THE ABOVE

#anticipatory grief #this fucking sucks #i hate this #it hurts so much #and I’m so scared #personal

[jenniferleecopping]

new perzine in shop, this one about parental aging and loss and suicidal feelings.

link here to buy

#zine #zines #perzine #perzines #personal art #anticipatory grief #grief #parents #parental loss #death #loss #aging #mothers #moms #suicide #suicide tw #suicidal ideation #suicidal thoughts #depression #happiness #grateful #riso #risograph #aritsts on tumblr #female artists #lgbt artist

[raspassassin17]

Do you ever just be sitting down doing your stuff going about your life perfectly safe and suddenly your entire life flashes before your eyes?

You see your parents grieving their parents, you see yourself by the coffin of your own parents, thinking about how you saw this coming all those years ago. you think about how you thought about how you would respond in such times, and now that it is happening, how do i respond? what do i do? you see yourself growing old, at death's doorstep.

how am i supposed to feel about all this? how do you live in the moment when you know all these tragedies lie ahead, inevitable and looming? how does anyone smile and live their life with this crushing knowledge?

i think about the past centuries, where people in the past have gone through this same thing. what did they do? how did they cope? how did they think "im going to watch my loved ones die one day, and one day my loved ones will also watch me die." and manage to get up and go out into the world?

where do i find the strength to smile when the sun rises tomorrow, the steady march of time ticking away, my own life clock draining in front of my very eyes?

#anticipatory grief #grief