#because i couldnt find any good images for the life of me

[labellefleur-sauvage]

(Can I Handle) The Seasons of My Life

Summary: The former Lady of Autumn reflects on her difficult history, and hatches a plan while observing her mate.

Helion reminisces over what could have been when presented with intangible proof of his mate’s past.

Or: The private yearnings of a newly reunited MILF and DILF

For @sunandflameweek, Day 7: Free Day!

Despite only having hints written about them, Helion and the Lady of Autumn have such an interesting history and relationship and, I believe, lots of potential. I've wanted to try my hand at writing these two for a while, and what I imagine for them in the future, with a very healthy smattering of smut, of course, and this event gave me the perfect motivation! Thank you so much to @starfall-spirit for creating and hosting this event!

Title is from Landslide by FleetWood Mac.

Rating: Explicit. Word Count: 3.9K

Read on AO3

The woman surveyed the scene in front of her, leaning on a tall marble column with a small smile on her face. Even in her wildest imaginations during her darkest days, Adeline, the former Lady of the Autumn Court couldn’t have dreamt of what she was witnessing now. 

The High Lord of the Day Court - Helion, the Sun personified, one of the oldest and most powerful High Lords in all of Prythian, the love of her life, her mate - stood in the palace’s private courtyard, his arms wide, palms facing outwards. Next to him was a younger male with the same build and confidence and hints of features as Helion - Lucien, a prince of Autumn, master emissary, a powerful fae male in his own right, their son - standing opposite him, staring at their surroundings with a concentrated frown on his face. 

“My wards are tight, and cannot be broken easily. Most wards can’t, unless you can find a flaw.”

“And what if there is no flaw?” Lucien asked through gritted teeth, his eyes darting to the space between Helion’s spread arms. 

Helion grinned. “Then you make one. Whether by unraveling the ward as you see it - like purposely fraying an edge on a piece of clothing and pulling it - or by overtaking it completely, and making it your own.”

“You can do that?” Lucien asked, flabbergasted. 

“For the High Lord of the Day Court, and those with my blood, yes,” he said. “And you can too, since you’re…”

Helion trailed off and cleared his throat, looking away from Lucien. Lucien ducked his head and ran a hand through his long red hair - her hair - a blush staining his cheeks.

“Well,” Helion went on. “Shall we continue?”

Adeline continued watching them from the shadows. It was the closest the two of them had come to acknowledging their undeniable relationship. She wasn’t sure they’d ever get to the point of calling each other what they were - father, son - but Helion clearly cared for Lucien in his own way. 

“Good,” she heard Helion murmur. He and Lucien were staring at something only they could see, their son’s eyes dancing with excitement, his arms aloft. “Clever, using your fire and light magic together. You’re a natural.”

She could see a few glowing embers in the air. Adeline shuddered. Even after all these months, anything that reminded her of her home court sent a shiver of dread through her. 

She hadn’t been back to Autumn, not since that hazy, blood soaked night when Eris had ascended the throne, his father’s mangled head in his hand. She’d fallen to her knees and taken her first wracking breaths as a free female for the first time in centuries. Smoke filled her lungs but it was the sweetest breath she’d ever taken. 

Fortunately, Beron’s body had burned to nothing but dust and ashes before anyone could see the ten small stab wounds that suspiciously matched the ornate dagger she kept in her bureau for her protection. 

But that was all behind her. Adeline continued observing her mate and their son together - Cauldron, would that ever fully sink in? - as Helion roared with approval at Lucien’s actions, smacking him firmly on their son’s shoulders. Happiness and pride shone in Helion’s eyes and it was unlike anything she had seen on his face before. He and Lucien wore matching smiles and they looked so similar.

This is what your life should have been. She took a deep breath. It was an ugly thought, but true. This is what she should have had for the entirety of her long life: a loving mate, a family with even more red haired, dark skinned children, living not in constant fear and anxiety but surrounded by warmth and love. 

But if Adeline could turn back the clock, make one or two different decisions, would she change anything? She loved her six other sons - four, now, she thought with a sharp pain in her chest - some, more than others, and some only in the most biological way a parent had to love its offspring; would she sacrifice their existence for her own happiness?

Lucien, at the very least, deserved better. Lucien deserved a mother who didn’t need to shield him during his childhood, then was forced to watch helplessly as the Autumn Court and all of Prythian tore him apart. He deserved a father who could have protected him, taught him everything he knew, guard him, love him -

It was what Helion was doing now: stepping up and being the father Lucien never had but deserved. 

And he looked delectable doing it.

Helion’s dark skin, a few shades darker than Lucien’s, shone with sweat, his broad chest and thick thighs barely covered by his short, one shouldered white toga. A pair of gold sandals wrapped around his graceful ankles and calves, and a matching gold arm band barely fit around a large bicep. 

Helion said something to Lucien that had the younger male laughing and Helion reached over to pat him on the back. It was hardly anything, and so simple, but he looked so fatherly, so lovingly paternal, and Helion looked so natural at it -

The beginnings of arousal coursed low in her body. Adeline sucked in a deep breath, then another. She would not have anyone be able to smell how desperate she was for her mate, especially not her son. Controlling her breath, she stepped out of the shadows and into the courtyard. 

“I think that’s enough for now,” Helion was saying to Lucien. “You’ve made remarkable progress for a late learner.”

“You’re certainly doing things I never thought possible,” she piped up. Both her mate and her son turned towards her and gave her the same matching smile - how odd, being able to pinpoint where each of Lucien’s features came from - before Lucien jogged over to her. 

“Oh, you’re sweaty,” she laughed as he approached, batting him away. “And smelly. I hope you’re not planning on seeing anyone until you can change.”

“I was actually going to go for a walk with Elain soon,” he replied. “She mentioned collecting shells on the beach for the garden.”

“Did she,” she mused, sneaking a peak behind Lucien. Helion had the same shit-eating grin as she did. “Well, I suppose a change of clothes won’t really matter with what you’ll be doing, hm?”

Lucien blushed despite himself. “Well, I shouldn’t keep her waiting,” he mumbled, pressing a soft kiss to her cheek and walking away. 

“Take a towel with you!” Helion called to Lucien’s back. “Take it from me, it’s not fun when sand gets -“

Lucien yelled with disgust and shot his parents a crude hand gesture, fleeing the courtyard. She laughed. Her son and his lovely mate had only been mated a month, and the bond was just now beginning to lessen its all consuming hold on them. 

“And what are your plans for the day?”

Helion’s strong arms wrapped around her from behind. Adeline lifted her head up against his chest and peered up at him.

“Not much,” she answered. “Perhaps a walk myself, or some reading. Yourself?”

“I have a meeting later today and several proposals and drafts to review. I think I’ll be stuck in my office the rest of the day,” he sighed wistfully. 

“A shame,” she murmured back sadly, a plan forming. She pulled away from his embrace. “Well, I don’t want to keep you -“

“And leave me with nothing to remember you by?” he asked in mock hurt, a hand over his chest. 

“I thought what we did this morning would have sustained you for the entire day,” she shot back. “My jaw is still rather sore.”

“Ah, but that is in the past and I’ve already forgotten it,” he teased, grinning wickedly. “One kiss to power me through the rest of my dreadful day without you.”

Sighing exasperatedly, she leaned into him and pressed her lips chastely against his. His hand cupped her jaw as he deepened the kiss, nipping her bottom lip, his tongue probing her mouth -

“Have a good afternoon!” she called, dashing from his side before she got sidetracked from her plan. She left him standing alone in the courtyard, his hand in the air where it had been caressing her jaw, as still as a statue.

Adeline wanted him, desperately, but he wouldn’t have to wait long. Dashing to their room, she opened her wardrobe. She couldn’t admit out loud how excited she became at seeing Helion being a father to Lucien, but she could at least show him how much it turned her on.

XXX

Helion stood up from his desk and stretched. He had been curved like a crustacean over his papers so long his neck and bore were stiff, and would most likely remain so for hours. He glanced at his sundial. Only an hour had passed since his mate had left him alone and hard in the courtyard, flitting away to wherever she might be.

He crossed the room to sit in the wide, low chair next to the window. He was irritable that he was stuck here alone, going over inane paperwork, with a meeting still later, rather than with his gorgeous, delectable mate.

Helion groaned softly and leaned back, letting his eyes drift close. What he wouldn’t give to have Adeline here with him right now. He remembered their parting kiss, how soft she had become under his touch. He could almost smell her -

Two sturdy knocks at the door broke him out of his daydream. “What?” He snapped, too wound up to hide his displeasure.

The door opened and his mate’s head popped around the corner of the door. “Are you busy?”

He perked up and grinned, his foul mood already gone. “For you, my dear, never.”

Grinning softly, Adeline hurried into the room and Helion let out a sharp gasp at her appearance. She normally favored long, flowing dresses that covered her shoulders and legs but she now wore a dangerously short one-shouldered stola. Her slim legs were on display, the tops of her breasts peaking out from her low neckline. She stole through the room on quiet, bare feet. Not giving him the chance to move, his mate climbed on top of him, bracketing his hips with her own.

“This is… unexpected.” Helion peered up at her, his hands automatically finding the indents of her waist. “Come to break up my boredom? Or was our parting kiss not sufficient for you?”

“Perhaps I too have a short memory,” Adeline said, leaning down and slanting her lips against his. 

Helion hummed against her lips, moaning a little when her hands tangled in his thick locs and gently tugged. She was like a hellcat possessed above him, her hips moving over his lap as she wildly kissed and touched him. 

“Here, let me -“ he began, grabbing her underneath her ass and moving to lift her. Her small hands shot out and planted themselves firmly on his chest and shoulder.

“No! I want you like this. Under me. At my mercy.” Adeline’s cheeks were pink, her mouth slightly open, like she was a bit surprised at her own tenacity. She licked her lips and gave him her stearnest glare, refusing to back down and let him lead as he always did. 

Who was he to deny his mate?

Settling back down in the accent chair, he swiftly pushed the shoulder strap of her toga down her arm and pulled the top of the dress down to her waist, too impatient to get her fully naked if it meant she had to leave his lap for even a second. Her full breasts were heaving with her labored breathing, her nipples peaked. What drew his attention this time, however, were the faint silver marks running down her pert breasts. 

He knew from their frequent and numerous couplings that Adeline had matching stretch marks on her hips and thighs and lower stomach, the only remnants of her pregnancies. He’d spent hours re-learning and exploring every inch of her body over the past few weeks, and these stripes received the same love and attention as the rest of her. 

Here, in his arms in the sun, the stripes on her breasts shone and glowed. The stretch marks adorning her body were evidence of her fertility and fecundity, of all the babes she had brought into the world -  

A stab of pure anger shot through him. Those should have been his children his mate conceived and carried and bore, not that bastard’s. Adeline’s body should be wonderfully soft and gently stretched because of him and his cock, no one else’s. He gripped the cushion on the chair beneath him so hard he heard the fabric rip. 

They struck gold already; they made Lucien in a single, heady, lust-filled night, a young male with power and abilities that rivaled his father’s, even after only a short period of studying and training. The potential of any future offspring could be enough to cement Day’s glory in Prythian for ages. Helion wanted it - wanted to have another child with his mate, watch her stomach swell as she grew their babe within, establish a dynasty in his court and the entire world, parade her around to the other high lords and beat his chest, Look at my mate, look what I’ve done to her -

“You're angry - what’s wrong?”

His mate had that all too familiar furrow between her brow, her eyes weary. Her breasts were still exposed, body taut with anticipation, but she had subtly shied away from Helion’s body and looked ready to run away if needed. 

Like she could if she wanted to. Helion mentally beat that animalistic part of himself that was always so near the edge whenever she was around him down deep into his psyche. Guilt and shame welled up where his inner beast had been only a moment before. Adeline had spent nearly her entire life afraid due to one male - he vowed to himself when she first came to Day that he would never frighten her. 

“I’m sorry,” he murmured, trailing soft kisses along the delicate skin of her wrist. “Just thinking of all of our missed time together.” Not entirely a lie. 

But he would never ask that of his mate, never put the burden of another pregnancy, wanted or otherwise, on her. Adeline had already spent so much of her life in service to others - Helion would be damned if he added any more responsibility for her. 

“It’s never too late to start making up for lost time,” Adeline said quietly, a soft smile on her lips. Helion hummed his agreement and leaned up towards her at the same time she lowered her face towards his for another kiss.

He gently dug his fingers into her luscious hair as they kissed, keeping them together. She spent so much time on her hair, he almost felt bad undoing it. Almost.

She grasped one of his wrists now lazily twirling her unbound hair around one of his fingers. Keeping her heavy lidded gaze on him, Adeline slowly dragged his hand under her short stola and between her thighs. 

Helion swore. “So wet for me already, my mate?” He swirled his fingers through her soaking folds, enjoying feeling her tremble in his arms. “And what has gotten you so excited already?”

She blushed a red so deep it nearly matched her hair. “N-nothing,” she stuttered shyly. “Just thinking about you.”

Helion hummed. She wasn’t being truthful but he wouldn’t press her - at least not now, anyway. There were better, more pleasurable ways to get information out of people. 

He sunk a single finger inside her at the same time she brushed his toga away and pulled his length out into the open, her soft lips grazing his. Helion hissed as Adeline began pumping him leisurely, in time with his finger inside her. He broke their kiss to gaze down. It was a sight he’d never tire of: her small, pale hand, wrapped around his straining cock. 

There were many sites he’d never tire of, all of which concerned the female in his lap, but this was one of his favorites. 

Quickly, she shifted so she was squatting over him on the chair and angled his cock between her legs, still obscured by her clothes. 

“I was planning on eating you out, you know,” Helion groaned, shutting his eyes and leaning his head back as his mate began working him inside her tight channel. “It’s been nearly a day since I put my mouth on you. I’m overdue.”

“Later,” Adeline said distractedly. She bit her lip as her hips finally met his, letting herself get used to him (as she always needed to do, he thought smugly). After only a moment, however, she raised herself over him then brought her hips down. 

They groaned in unison. She set a steady pace, rising and falling in his lap, occasionally taking his entire shaft and grinding her lower body against his. She moaned loudly when his cock hit deep inside her, uncaring about who might hear as she chased her pleasure. 

Adeline was never this forward with him. He had had to coax her into more adventurous love making, his cock a proverbial carrot on a stick as they tried new positions and acts together. This was the first time they had fucked outside of their bedroom and Helion was already thinking of the places he could get her next. 

He bunched up her toga at her waist and groaned. Her pink lower lips were stretched obscenely around his thick length, her small bud jutting out for any attention. Helion watched, transfixed, as Adeline bounced in his lap, his cock shining with her essence every time she took him to the hilt. 

“You look so good taking my cock,” Helion rumbled appreciatively, still watching her pussy grip him. He brushed the red curls between her legs before swiping his thumb over her clit. She whined low in her throat. “My beautiful mate, fucking herself full of me.”

Her breasts bounced in his face and he took a peaked nipple in his mouth, laving his tongue against her skin. His mate whimpered above him and thrust her hips down even harder and faster against him.

“That’s right,” he murmured softly, his thumb still caressing her clit. “Take what you want me from. Want to feel you break around me.”

“Cauldron Helion,” she groaned, digging her fingers into his shoulders. He could feel her legs shaking and he gripped her under her thighs and ass to help her move up and down his length. 

She threw her head back and closed her eyes, her long hair grazing the tops of his thighs. She was so damn beautiful, and he was so fucking lucky to have her in his life. 

Planting his feet firmly on the ground, Helion started thrusting up into Adeline’s tight depths every time her plush ass met his thick thighs. She gasped in pleasure as she stopped moving and let Helion fuck her, lowering herself to her knees and throwing her arms around his neck when her legs gave out.

“Helion, please, yes!” she cried, burying her face in his neck. He gripped her hips to keep her steady as he continued to thrust into her wet heat. His balls tightened underneath him; the wet smack of their flesh joining, combined with his mate’s soft cries and gasps against his skin, pushed him dangerously close to the edge. 

“Touch yourself,” he grunted out. He wasn’t going to last much longer and didn’t want to come before his mate. Adeline’s hand ghosted down his front before it delved between her thighs, her fingers occasionally grazing his shaft as it pistoned in and out of her. 

He wrapped an arm around her shoulder, hauling her even tighter against his body as he finally felt her break around him. Her inner walls fluttered around his length and she cried into his shoulder, her moans muffled against him, her short nails digging into his muscles. 

Helion didn’t care to silence himself. With a loud groan that reverberated through his chest he came, emptying himself completely into his mate. He moaned through the aftershocks of his orgasm, lazily thrusting into her until he was fully spent. 

They sat there together in blissful silence for several long minutes. Helion ran a hand up and down her spine. Even after all the sex they had, each time was still better than the last. 

His mate sat up. She had a happy, satisfied grin on her face. 

“I’ll have to visit your office more often,” Adeline said, nuzzling his neck. “Make sure you’re not working too hard and what not.”

He chuckled. “After that, I don’t think anyone will be under the impression that there’s any work being done here.”

She sat up. “Did… did you not set a silencing ward?” Alarm bloomed in her eyes. 

“Didn’t really have enough time, since you sauntered in here and had your wicked way with me before I could even think to put one up.”

She groaned feebly. “I hope I didn’t interrupt your afternoon meeting.”

Helion shrugged. “I’m sure I won’t have a problem rescheduling. Besides finding increasingly bizarre places to bed Elain, I don’t think Lucien has much else penned in his daily planner.”

She blanched, her eyes wide. “You’re meeting… was supposed to be with Lucien?” She gulped. “Oh Cauldron, what if he heard us?!”

“Lucien is a young male with a very happy and content mate,” he said pointedly, running his hands soothingly up and down her arms until she calmed down. “I should know, I’ve heard and seen them going at it everywhere. They destroyed a perfectly good reading table in the library -!”

“And we haven’t managed to destroy anything with our lovemaking,” Adeline said thoughtfully. “Perhaps we’re losing our touch.”

He scoffed. “Are you implying we’re old?”

“Well, you discovered you were a father not too long ago,” she said slyly. “How would you feel about becoming a grandfather so soon?”

He cocked his head at her. It wasn’t an entirely unpleasant thought, to be honest - Lucien and Elain were a beautiful couple, and any babes they had would be just as wonderful. Plus, it would bring children into the palace. Children he could hold and coddle and play with, then foist back to their parents when they cried or started smelling. 

Perhaps grandfatherhood was more up his alley. 

He grinned up at his mate. “As long as you’ll still have me in your bed, I don’t care what you call me.”

“A grandfather,” she said mischievously. “Who I’d still like to fuck.”

“Then I’ll have to make sure to cancel meetings with Lucien more often, so he and Elain can make us grandparents,” he said mischievously, bringing a laughing Adeline even closer to him.

XXX

Lucien stood frozen outside Helion’s office, a horrified grimace on his face. He heard everything.

Ok, not the entire traumatic ordeal, but enough to know his mother and Helion still had a very active sex life, and were apparently counting the days for him and Elain to have children. 

They wanted grandchildren that badly? Fine. Let them see how amusing it was when Lucien and Elain handed a screaming baby to them for a night off, or Lucien took a leave of absence from his Heir duties, piling even more work back on Helion’s plate. Good luck finding time to spend with his mother then. 

Lucien turned and rushed down the hall. It seemed his schedule was suddenly booked full with Elain.

#sunandflameweek2023 #helion spellcleaver #lady of autumn #helion x lady of autumn #helion x loa #acotar #my fics #my fic #day court #autumn court #a court of thorns and roses #i spared everyone the horror of a poorly done moodboard to go along with this #because i couldnt find any good images for the life of me

[criminalskies]

You and Aaron on a Museum Date Together HC's

Photo credits after the cut.

Aaron buys your favorite cup of chai and you go to The Met together.

You spend all day roaming the galleries enjoying the blend of old and new art.

You tease him for not having a favorite artist, but he reminds you that you don't have one either. So you both decide to try and pick a favorite painting.

In the wing with the statues Aaron tries to find the statue that looks most like you. When he finds one, he tells you that you're more beautiful than any work of art.

Aaron goes full dad mode in the ancient art galleries and he has to read all the little signs with information on them. He makes you look to because he's holding your hand.

When the museum gets a little too busy for his liking, you lead him out of the grounds where you stroll around leisurely taking in the pretty day.

Aaron can't help but look at the security measures at the museum and tell you how he'd change them.

The next week, Aaron gets a package from you, it's a print of his favorite painting. He hangs it in his living room and thinks of how you are the most beautiful thing in his life. That you are the living embodiment of perfection.

______________________________________________________________

Photo Credits:

Center Row: Middle (@catsadams)

Bottom Row: Left (@doomed-introvert Center and Right (@reading-books-in-the-moonlight

Holy smokes Levi I am so sorry time got away from me in replying to this but !!!!!!!!!!!!! Awwwwwww I love this 🥺. Let me run through these oh my goodness it's just so cute.

I should have known something was up when you were asking me about my favourite drinks 🥰 but awwwwwww that's so sweet. whenever people greet me with a little treat in hand I am reduced to a blushy lump.

The way Aaron would be so so educated on all these artists, old and new, and their styles and the works meanings, meanwhile I'm looking at it and saying it feels like a warm blue blanket and hes just like ??? yeah okay so they actually had to feed their family and-

favourite painting is so much more doable. I was that kid that couldnt even have a favourite toy bc the others would feel left out, so talking about favourite artists in a museum full of art??! awful, I can't do it. A favourite piece, I might be able to manage 😅

STOP IT AJHJDFKHDSJFHS YOU CAN'T JUST DROP SOMETHING THAT SWEET ON ME?! god i'd kiss him until he got dizzy for that one. Or i'd just go beet red. Hopefully both.

He definitely has to read every word on the plaques bc we both know he prides himself on being so well-read and well educated. Like sure he's no Reid but by god Aaron is so fucking knowledgeable on damn near everything and it is so so sexy. Meanwhile if it doesn't have a pulse I know nothing about it. But of course if he's going to hold my hand I'm going to do absolutely anything he wants to.

MUSEUM GARDENS ARE SO SEXY AND HE DEFINITELY KNOWS HOW MUCH I FUCK WITH CUTE PLANTS fjsdhfjshkjfh I would 100% force him to spend equal amounts of time in the fresh air outside just sitting or walking and holding his fricking hand (i forget how badly I just want to hold his silly frickin hand)

He watches the guards swap shifts and he's like pfffft one of them checked in his firearm to the safe before the new guard had even retrieved his, and they had an almost EIGHT minute conversation. That's plenty of time for any thief to- and I'm like aaron aaron it's okay. they're just paintings. It's okay.

LEVI YOU ALWAYS WANT ME TO CRY AND YOU ALWAYS GET ASTONISHINGLY CLOSE TO ACHIEVING IT. what do you meeeeeannnnn he hangs it and thinks I'm the most beautiful thing in his skfjskljsldfkjkflsddjshfjjhgkjfhdkjghdkjfghd what if this killed me 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

Also also also, may I please note that all of these images are just so elegant and set such a tone like they''re so perfect for this little date you're picturing. Gosh I don't know how you do it honey but thank you for sharing these headcanons, they have really brightened my day. Thank you sweetheart 🫂💖💐✨

#rome’s wonderful moots! <3 #the lovely levi! #rome’s got mail! #love mail 💌 #Aaron mail! #hotch mail! #aaron hotchner #criminal minds #aaron hotchner x reader #aaron hotchner x you #aaron hotchner headcanons #aaron hotchner fluff #aaron hotchner imagines #aaron hotchner thoughts #hotch imagines #hotch headcanons #hotch fluff #hotch x you #hotch x reader

[midnightmisadventures]

The good news and bad news about love

Alright kid you want me to talk to you?

I used to love feeling your emotions. I used to love sitting next to you and reading you like a book and getting anxiety whenever you felt like you said the wrong thing. Whenever i made a connection to a childhood story you mentioned, to a teeny tiny behavior I noticed. I loved it. I had never felt closer to anyone in my life. I had never felt more compatible and related to anyone and I adored you, so exploring your psyche felt like the best part of the job.

  It made me so happy to know you and to have the ability to try and change your thoughts about yourself and about life in general. Felt so privleged. I learned something new everyday, and you were like a shiny new puzzle that never ran out of pieces and i could put them together for hours because I knew you were never NOT gonna be apart of my story.

  You....are essentially my favorite character from any book, movie or show. Because I created you and met you in my dreams. "Babe" this everlasting figment of my imagination was my dream man. "Babe" was my prophecy. He was everything i've ever been told i've ever wanted and was also told to find him.

You were an art piece and thats why it was so easy to adore and admire you. Appreciate your colors and all your fires as opposed to critiquing them. Instead of seeing you as a wounded person I saw you as a magnificent statue.

  My favorite character, art piece, statue so I just wanted to be close to you. There were several points in time where i would have just been okay with having you near me. I wouldve kept accepting your flaws even though they made you a person that hurt me, over and over again. I didn't care, I just wanted to admire you. I wouldve given anything to keep you safe, polished, and in my museum until the end of time.

  I would have kept giving to you if you let me. Without anything in return. I was in love. I thought that's what love was.... Giving and giving and giving and never getting anything back. Although I did love you. Experiencing unrequited love....isnt the same as being in love.

  And if you asked me a year ago I wouldve sworn to you that it was the same thing.

  I'm sorry I made you so uncomfortable treating you like a story book character that you had to break the version of you that i saw you as, just to make me realize you were human.

  Theres no way being oggled at as prince charming feels the same as being seen. Seen as a human, with flaws, capable of mistakes. Especially when you didn't see yourself in that way?

  I'm so sorry I put that pressure on you. That it made you feel like I only accepted you at the highest standard. If I made you feel like you had to upkeep that. And that if everytime I gave you encouraging advice to see your own power, you interpreted it as not being good enough and me judging you for the type of person you were just being you.

  I truly did want what was best for you. But I'm so sorry I couldnt see it from your perspective and insisted on being so overbearing. It was so invasive and it really does haunt me the most about everything that happened with us.

I feel greatly responsible for those last texts you sent me. It feels like you felt like you had to break this image I had of you. And to do that you had to be incredibly harsh because I kept it so fucking sturdy.

  But youre not a statue, or my very own storybook character, youre a real person. And I think i just had a hard time coming to terms with fumbling a guy I had literally met in my dreams and have been prophetically told is my perfect match.

It was embarrassing. I felt such immense pressure to make a relationship work with you because I felt it was my responsibility. I was given the handbook, "I had all this prerequisite information that you didn't!" So i thought i "lose" if I don't accomplish this.

  I based my entire relationship with spirituality on if i could get you to admit me you loved me or not? That put so much pressure on you....and me. And that was awful. I wish I just enjoyed loving you without needing to hit a goal.

I wish I was just focusing on being honest, and genuine and not molding myself in those moments. But of course.....it was still the most fun ive ever had.

Unrequited love. And to me at the time? It was simply the best thing that ever happened to me lmao. I didnt need more. I was content with being your doormat as long as it meant I got to play footsies with you when we were high. Or ask would you rathers in the car running errands. Or watch movies, make dinners and spend sunsets with you.

  But god was that my issue. I needed to learn to want more for myself. All that time i thought i was teaching you to want more for your self. I desperately needed to learn to stop accepting the bare minium in romantic relationships.....and platonic ones and familial ones.....

Being in love isnt giving and giving and giving with nothing in return.

Being in love is......something i'll hopefully experience when someone deserves and emits the love I show for them back.

(and if you ever want that to be you lmk)

[murdoc]

this is a weird post to make, but i dont really have many places to say it and i wanna share my thoughts Somewhere lol

so i found my dad after more than a decade of being out of contact with him (probably since 2010? at latest, very early 2011). or rather, after every few years of searching for a little while and coming up fruitless, he made a new facebook less than three weeks ago and i just happened to get Really lucky timing.

just before him i had also found my (former) step sister + mom, as well as my half sister (all sisters younger than me and previously i couldnt find), and.. its a strange experience to finally see people who used to be so close to you in your life show uo again, visibly older and doing their own thing.

its hard to explain.. its almost like youve woken up from a coma. you have memories and have had dreams of these people for years and years and during that time you never really realized that the image you have of them was one trapped in amber; even when youre cognizant of the passage of time, your mind just can't take into consideration the individualized process of aging, both physically and where the passage of time will take them and their relationships. you realize these people are now essentially strangers to you.

my (former) step mom has remarried again and has her own set of children (again), one of my step uncles ended up passing away, my step sister is no longer how i remembered her in 2007 from one of the few photos i have of her in my possession and is posting hippie white woman stuff on her feed, my half sister doesnt share my last name (paternal) anymore, nor her mother or new husband's, whom she is having a child with. i was able to figure out it was her because of the name and how she looks strikingly like her mom and has photos with my dad in them.

my dad himself has aged significantly since he's last shared a photo of himself anywhere. he used to always wear hats, but in a new photo he's got solid white hair despite being in his early 40s and is balding (HE did this to me..) and finally learned what glasses suit his face better LMAO. honestly, he looks better now than he ever did when i've seen him. which i think was one of the biggest shockers because god he looked so lame. this also gives me hope for myself B)

the thing i noticed the most though is how "normal" him and my half sisters turned out. granted, he was always so much more put together than my mother-- i'm sure thats why they didnt really like each other lmao. but, while im not sad about my life, even if it's definitely different than i assumed for my age, i can't help but wonder where i'd be if i had allowed myself to overcome the fear of my mother and went to go live with my dad like we had planned in 2008 or 2009.

however, just from how hard it has been to piece together the state of that side of my family, i don't think any speculation could even be remotely accurate. ive also never really been one to dwell on what could be anyway. at the end of the day i cant undo how horrific my childhood was, but i can make steps to grow from it and learn to love who i am and where i am now.. for how cheesy that sounds 😭

i am glad i finally got a bit of closure on this though. i knew my dad was still around somewhere, but not knowing anything beyond "he's alive" for so long left me with a lot of questions, now mostly answered. it's nice to know he seems to be doing good and that he's there for my younger sisters (not sure about my step sister, but i have an additional half sibling that i never met beyond a few times as a toddler and it seems she's fine too). i know that social media doesn't tell all and is usually finely curated to share the best moments, but i'm saying this in comparison to my mother who would never in a million years do what he seems to be doing.. down to having custody of his kids LMAO.

i don't think i'll ever reach out to any of them though. i know my dad still thinks of me once in a blue moon, as he's dedicated a birthday post to me some years ago on a now deleted profile, but if you can imagine.. i think my change in the last 13 years or so is a bit more drastic than just growing up. not to mention they have their own lives going on and it all seems just fine.

i guess if he ever does try to find me, he'll find out that my former step uncle (different one who is still alive) who teased him about only having girls was wrong LMAO. but i dont think he could ever find me unless he got in contact with my older sister who isn't doing too hot rn, or my mother.... and if it's my mom he goes through, i sure as hell hope he thinks finding his now son was worth it. i sure as hell wouldnt go through talking with my mom if i was him.

i dont think i ever made a post so long and detailed about my life on here??? if someone fsr actually read this... hi :) why did you do that? you are silly

#diary #very long and personal post. you can read it idc but its primarily about finding my father and there is a quick death mention Unrelated

[homestucky]

tw for pretty heavy discussion of diet, body image, weight, eating disorders etc. and emetophobia

so i grew up overweight. ive been overweight my whole life pretty much, with the exception of maybe 2 years when i was around 19 where i was a little lighter.

im a practical person. im a reasonable person. i grew up a tomboy. i dont like shallowness. i had minimal interest in sex and relationships. i was never rejected for my appearance. looking conventionally attractive has no reason to be a high priority for me

but still

i am completely insane.

there is no other way i can say it concisely. and i suspect that if you did not grow up overweight, perhaps particularly as an overweight girl/afab person, there are some things you just cant understand, because how would you even know?

so yeah, insane. like, obsessive. deluded. unable to fully comprehend reality. i cant tell what i look like most of the time. from the age of about 7 i fantasised daily about being skinny. fantasies about shedding my outer layers and showing everyone. and i wasnt even usually someone who wanted to impress or appease boys or ‘cool’ people. i honestly am not that motivated by what people think of me. yet my goal was always - figure out how to lose weight.

any eyelash i wished on, any 11:11, it was that. i thought about it every day.

and there was honestly no reason for it. it felt like life or death sometimes. i TRIED to have eating disorders. it feels so shameful to admit - i tried and failed. its so easy to imagine how funny that might be to some (mean) people. if i dont eat regularly, i literally get faint in a way that impacts my functioning VERY quickly, and other people can see. my gag reflex does NOT work. and trust me, i have tried. for hours, once. but I cant even do that right. id binge but i couldnt purge. my body would not let me give the food up.

‘i tried to be anorexic but i got too hungry’, ‘i tried to be bulimic but i couldnt purge so i just binged’ sound like sick jokes, like things fatphobic people would say to mock people they think dont try hard enough, because overweight people are lazy.

heres the thing. its good that i wasnt able to develop these disorders. of course it is. they are terrible things and i do not take them lightly. so im glad. im lucky that my body didnt let me. but that didnt stop me from feeling like a failure, feeling frantic and like at least if i could do this people would be sympathetic, bcaus its evidence that i was TRYING, even if it was in a bad way.

the feelings i had about myself and still have...

it impacts everything. its such a massive part of my identity. it stopped me from playing, climbing, doing sports. it stopped me from playing about with style and clothing because trying things on in changing rooms, looking at myself in the mirror, made me so anxious that i would feel physically ill.

and most batshit of all, it made me truly believe that i was a joke. that any room i walked into, people would pity me or be amused by me just at a glance. that i was always viewed by everyone else as just slghtly less human. that if someone was gonna be mocked id be first.

that if i ever did anything silly or made a mistake, it would be made 100x worse by my body - like if i said something awkward, or dressed bad, or came in to class late, or fell over, it wasnt something i could just brush off. because i was already a joke, so this would just add to it. if you are skinny and you get a question wrong in class, thats fine somehow, but if youre chubby and you do the same, you are slotted into the role of ‘stupid *and* fat person’ because everybody knows that stereotype so thats just who you are.

its wack that it doesnt just impact my confidence with sports, or clothing, or people finding me attractive, but literally EVERYTHING.

it feels like as long as youre fat, ANYTHING you do could potentially have a laugh track put over it. falling, crying, laughing, dancing, getting hit by a car, it doesnt matter.

and that is an INSANE way to feel. especially aged like, 10.

i lost some weight when i was 18 but i didnt feel different. i didnt feel more worthy or like i was a better person. i wasnt more deserving of love and respect. i just had more time and some money for a gym membership, and had little by way of responsibilties so didnt stress eat. and theres the fact i was diagnosed with an overactive thyroid too.

my situation changed, my thyroid got treated, and i gained it all back and then some. so i started to feel less bad about it. how could i feel so bad about not being that weight, when being that weight required me to have a chronic disease while also spending about 14 hours at the gym a week and calorie count? it was a bit of a revelation

but the craziness didnt go away completely. its still my first wish when i see an eyelash. i still feel like i will be who im really supposed to be ““when”“ i ““finally”“ lose weight, that fabled goal ive had most of my life and rarely achieved, and it will make people like me more, understand me more, respect me more, love me more. i also know that this is not correct. but i feel it anyway.

i have a shit tonne of things to worry about, like the fact im unemployed, or the state of the whole entire world, but theres still part of me that insists that being skinny is the most important goal. because if i was skinny people would be sympathetic to any of my other failings. i work out and try to be healthy as much as i can, because i want to be fit and healthy, because i think it is helpful to improve my experience as a human animal. but still when i say ‘i just work out for fitness, i just watch my diet to make sure im getting what i need, its not about weight or looks’ on some level....im alwaaays lyingggggggg ;)

i have no reason why im saying this now. its not pertinent. i just had to get it out.

#dont want this to appear #in #tags #i know usually i could just put the tws in tags but idk it feels significant so why not just say it stright up at the beginning ykno #idk this is just a sort of vent #diet #weight #weight loss #body image #eating disorders #bulimia #anorexia #emetophobia #long post

[ketavinsky]

I like the house analogy a lot. I’ve never had any long term friendships, I tend to drift in and out of people’s lives. I don’t seem to make meaningful connections or leave an impact on anyone the way they do for me. It definitely makes me feel like wandering. If I had it my way I’d live nomadically, packing up and leaving anytime I got too familiar with a location. Maybe it’s a bit of a self-sabotage but I never learned how to be okay with being known. I think I regret deleting the pictures but not for me. I have trouble with memories so I regret losing the parts of my friends but I have no regrets about my own image. I’ve never had a strong sense of self; I can’t recognize myself in pictures or mirrors. I hate looking at pictures of me because it feels wrong in the back of my mind, like something is off or missing. Being trans only made that more pressing for old pictures. I’m trying to learn to take more pictures now for memory sake, mostly of places I go or people I meet rather than myself though. Have you found people you fit with yet or are you still wandering too? I suppose if I’m gonna keep bothering you I could maybe sign off? -N

hullo N! youre not bothering me but i apologise for the long response times. i have a weird thing about only responding to messages when i feel like... i would be able to give an appropriate dedicated/interested answer..... like. i dunno i kind of see online shit as the last frontier of non performative interaction so i try not to be disingenuous in ways that make sense to me as often as i can. esp on this site. the viscera site. anyways. that aside. i get what you mean when you say like... you dont feel like you have an impact on anything. obviously i cant comment on anything goin in your life but i do... i do understand the sentiment. i got a friend who's a big wanderer, real nomadic, just wants to travel and travel and circle back every so often like hes some kind of planet goin round on this massive orbit but.... im not sure about you but the concept intimidates me. not the wandering i suppose but the lack of security like- what do i do if something goes wrong? what do i do if i need somebody? what do i do if its still and silent and i cant bear it and ive been swept away to some place and past all the dancing and the gorgeous ephemerality and the wraithlike presence what do i do if i need somebody? you know? would appreciate your thoughts.

i get what you mean with the photos. i also deleted a lot of my photos. even when i was a kid like real little i felt a deep sense of nauseous disgust almost when i looked at photos of myself i always felt like even in pictures where we were all like 8 9 10 years old and playing in the grass that it was immediately noticeable that i was different in some irreconcilable way and i couldnt stand the idea of anyone else noticing it. i dont. i dont know why. i can kind of circle around what i think is why (?? does that make sense) but i still dont know where the feeling comes from. do you? i feel like all the pictures i see of myself are different actors and i think thats because at any given moment im always really just staring at myself from some outside voyeur pov. it's a little more manageable now but when i turned 23 i began to realise how... well. virulent? harmful? destructive? it was to my sense of... self. i dont know. what's it like fr you?

now i wish i could say that id found my people and after so long of feelin so lonely everythings okay now but this year has been tough and its only just started. do you ever miss times in your life that were really horrible wherein you were incessantly miserable, for the ability to feel? that's how it is. i oft find myself revisiting memories with people who were objectively not good for me and my love for them was in a way destroying me and every single day was some fucking trial but i miss the certainty of... knowing who i was in those times. what i was. ive been writing about that a lot. i have a paragraph somewhere here that vaguely mentions it but i have to immerse myself in the feeling to write my book shit so i just think about it all the time, really, all the time without end. fair warning there for lots of weepy waxing on and on over Just Stuff That Happened. i think now i have people that are good to be around and i love them deeply and i think i can trust that they love me but each day it feels like the chasm between me n them widens you know? and you ever feel like sometimes people dont really know the things that you know? at least not in a way that matters?

#dellete #anonymous

[myownprivatcidaho]

like eventually i want to be a history professor but. like do people go to like high ranking schools just for a bachelors to teach grade school history to kiddos

#like im interested in nyu but because 1) nobodys walked me through academia or explained anything so im only familiar with The Big Schools #and b) i spent my first 18 years thinking i was a dumbass and an academic flunk so now i feel like i have to prove im Not by going to like #the biggest school that accepts people with no highschool transcript or standardized testing records #like. hi <3 i experienced severe educational neglect and thought i was a nimrod but will you accept me into your prestigious school #oh interesting goals that would bring you a good reputation should i become an alumnus? #no im just planning on being a suburban history teacher but not before i Prove myself :3 #but like. fr inhad no end goal in mind until recently i realized like. i love explaining things to people i love history i love kids #AND i find myself fantasizing about teaching shit to people #so ... #and idk when i was in highschool i had to goals i thought i was gonna kick it before i got out #and any idea of s future i had was like. you know when youre a kid and you think 'im gonna do [far fetched dream] when i grow up!' #ok. image of Grown Up Sia being in a band. trap that in amber and carry that around. that was my idea of a Future. like i couldnt imagine #anynother scenarios i didnt know HOW to imagine any other scenarios that old ones i recalled ffom when i was a kid #but here i am! and its not something big or grand or great its just. underrated unimpressive shitty pay active shooter risk quiet life #but i WANT it not just fanatasize i WANT it. and idk like some Big school i feel like would. idk im worried about pushing myself into smth #that on my resume would make me 'overqualified' and like im not saying i THINK ill get into nyu but like. #theres such DISSONANCE between what i aim for academically and how much of that is useful for the simple career i want #like being part of 3 honors societies probably isnt necessary for a history teacher. could come in handy for getting a masters and so on #but. yeah like im fortunate enough to be doing well academically but truth betold i have no fucking clue what im doing here.

[pa-anonoverflow]

I think the reason why has image is all over the place and doesn’t have any substance is because people wouldn’t be interested in him if they knew what he was like. That’s why they let the fans imagination run wild most of the time, cause he’s fucking boring

Anyone who projects themselves to be this like blank slate one size fits all romantic novel rockstar bad boy but good boy dichotomy cannot live up to it in real life. He’s so fantasize-able for people because he’s such a blank slate. He gives you just enough to be like maybe there’s a deep well of mysterious romantic depth to be found there BUT also just as possible maybe there’s…not? And they don’t want you to know the guy you’re shelling out all this cash for doesn’t really exist.

Harry’s a human being and it always catches me off guard when people are like well he wouldn’t do that because that would mean he was mad. Well yeah, Harry gets mad. It’s in the spectrum of human emotions and he’s a human being. He’s not some demi god of sex and when you bone him you don’t get to pick your adventure and the magic of his dick teleports you there. You probably have an adequate to disappointing time, depending on if he can find your clit, and he’s a man so it’s a 50/50 shot especially the first time…and then he falls asleep or he has another go at it and then you like eat some pancakes if he’s any level of respectable and then you go home. He is a man, when did we decide they get to appoint themselves this level of importance? A MAN I TELL YOU, COULDNT BE ME!

#if you’re a minor please look away #this isn’t the space for you

[everythingthemoontouches]

Heyy! sorry for bothering but can u do how my fs may look like?:)

Hiii ☺️

Clairvoyant image :

A man in a white shirt, with his hands in his pockets, walks forward from a tree in a forest / woods. I grew up with my grandmother and he stares at some kids playing. I couldnt tell if those were from his past. It feels like he is fond of the kids in the present. But perhaps they don't live there any longer. Like a vision of the past. A river flowing.

Now for the cards

As I was shuffling the 6 of swords almost leapt out. In this deck it shows a little boy in a boat being rowed away by a mother figure. A lady in white. Someone pure and food who probably loves him a lot. It speaks to me of not having much, or leaving to start over. Maybe your fs was raised by a single woman. I'm feeling more grandmother vibe than mother's energy. He could have immense respect for feminine strength and grace.

A light stubble. Someone who whistles nonchalantly. Is deeply connected to forests/roots in a way. Major God Pan energy.

The 6 of swords has a very Aquarian energy. Maybe you guys could have synastry aspects involving cancer, Capricorn, aquarius, or saturn.

As I was shuffling for his face, I saw someone come up to my tabke, roll up his sleeves and sit down gazing into your eyes. I think they're pretty smooth and when he looks at you it feels like you're all that exists? Super romantic. But also a bit devious in the beginning?

Idk maybe he is counting his losses when you meet him. Or you find him doing some sneaky shit. Maybe leaving a party. Or doing something he shouldn't be and you join in on the prank. This could be quite strategic and be good at manipulation when he feels he needs to put his guard up? It maybe he just has too much going on.

Nose: what does he breathe life into? The queen of pentacles came up so this fs is super creative. You know how they say give a woman a house and she makes a home out of it, give her a loaf of bread and you have a delicious home cooked meal? This is basically someone who looks very fertile. And rich. Aristocratic feature. A thin shapely nose. Could like wearing rings. Some thi f about their hair could stand out. Or the way they hold their head. Contemplative. Probably on the leaner side.

Lips : soft. Plush. Plump. Soft kisses. Kind. Sweet looking mouth. Like it would speak words of love? Kind. Wholesome. Upward turn of the lips. Ace of cups.

Eyes they say are windows to the soul. And your future spouse is a fighter. And an excellent orator. Someone with a quick mind and equally sharp tongue. They could look like someone who rushes into things. Or jumps to assessments. I feel like he may be in fight or flight mode with his heart because there's very few people he could have trusted? I'm not sure if you're into girls. Maybe they juts have a strong feminine side. But likely didn't have a lot of healthy masculine providers. And he(?) doesn't want to repeat history. Is a little guarded with their heart and when hurt, could be really rude? Think Gemini energy. But they also look like they'd fly to your rescue if you needed it. Their eyes could have that challenging spark in them? Like they raise their eyebrow at you saying bet you can't finish all that icecream all by yourself when you're too sad to eat. It's how they encourage people. Via Challenges.

Noww, speaking of their personality type, I'd say this is someone who has learned to still their heart and find that calm voice even as a Strom rages around them, phsycially or emotionally. Could have a somewhat warped view of relations and how bad the world is. And it's soemthing you could help them with. Basically I feel like you're gonna call them out on their shit and they're gonna love you for it.

It feels like a wholesome relationship. Like they love you so much my heart feels overwhelmed. There's a lot of genuine affection and devotion coming through. They're sassy too.

That's all I've got for you today, hope you enjoyed the reading. You could book consultations by emailing me at everythingthemoontouches@gmail. Com if you'd like more detailed readings ☺️

#Future spouse #Tarot readers #Knight of swords #Queen of pentacles #Relationships #Tarot asks #Home #Love tarot #Relationship readings #Fs #Messenger #Eyes are a window to the soul #Love #Romance

[wifiwuxians]

I feel like xue yang is a character who would be hesitant to reveal the things he likes to someone or even the things he wants because of course, knowing what someone wants is equal to having leverage over them and is sort of like handing someone a weapon and showing them where to cut to make the most damage. I think that then, considering that, the fact that xue yang disclosed to xxc about the candy and what happened to him as a child (and a qing too, but I think as a child herself, a qing would be indignant about what happened in a way that children are when perceiving injustices, whereas xxc would understand the effect an event like that would have on a child and respond kindly rather than with anger), he's sort of baring his neck to xxc - it's not just candy, it's a euphemism for naivety, for innocence, for a sweetness that xue yang couldn't have - and then xxc's response, giving xue yang the candy, is almost his own tentative form of offering himself to xue yang as a source of kindness, a relief from the pain.

Which is why I think xue yang was so obsessed with bringing xxc back. I dont think it was love at all, rather I think xue yang was almost addicted to xxc and the relief he gave him, much like an addict is addicted to drugs. That relationship was self destructive and more of a facade than anything else, and even while knowing this, xue yang still dared to find solace in something he couldnt have - in this way he mimicked his past self, the child on the road with a hand on the ground and a cart driving towards it with no intentions of stopping.

Ah, this is probably just me rambling, but it's a hot take I guess :)

I don't think it should be a hot take, I think you're onto something! The way I've always seen it has been that, despite how much he says he isn't stuck in the past, he has a desire to live out what he never had but somehow stumbled upon by accident. Does he deserve it? Absolutely not. Will he admit to even wanting it? Absolutely not. And yet it's plain as day.

I'm not sure I'd call it an addiction outright (since I don't wanna give people ANY AMMO LMAO) but it is very, very close. It's the fulfilment of a childhood wish! It's security and hope and a relief from pain. He has someone who cares about him and the life he deserves (or that he thinks he deserves shh) and everything is sunshine and rainbows. His little kid self, buried deep inside and locked away under layers of being a total dick, must be jumping for joy.

And then he blows it all up.

He can't even admit to himself that of course he'd like for things to go back to the way they were, because to do so would be to admit weakness, right? He has to cling to the image of someone who has no care for another and no interest in people outside of what he can use them for.

Omg okay my friend @aoxue and I literally talked about this the other day, how it genuinely could have been anyone. It just happened to be xxc. But like, anyone who showed xy kindness and lenience and patience, who cared for him as a parent or elder sibling would, would've received this twisted loyalty. I mean, jgy supposedly beats him to death and he still calls him a friend, right? It's just part of his character!

But there comes the interesting aspect of the undeniable hatred he has/had for xxc. How does he combat those two things, hating him and everyone like him yet wanting to be cared for? He mellows out for a good while but still doesn't hesitate to douse the coffin home on fire with everyone inside. He's just such a wretched person that he can't even just say, idk, "Hey I'm looking to restore his soul as a personal favor", no, he's still trying to cling to that hatred because let's be real, it hurts a lot less than to have to admit that you killed the only person who kind of cared about you.

"You" being "the person you pretended to be for years" and not "Xue Yang" bc we all know xxc doesn't care about him at all ekfjskcmsg

STILL... Oh no now I'm the one who is rambling. Anyways thank you for the ask! It's refreshing to see a point of view that doesn't rely on romantic love for once and I think you're very correct, and I also think xxc just has such a nurturing presence that it would've been impossible for xy not to end up conflicted about him in some regard

Closing thoughts I guess are that xy as a character within canon is frustrating because you see him have all these chances to just pack it up and be decent and he just throws it all in the trash. He can't even recognize affection within himself. He throws himself and everyone he refuses to admit he cares for under the wheels of that same ox cart from all those years ago, and it sucks.

#xue yang #THANKS FOR THE ASK IM GLAD SOMEONE IS PLAYIN #Also his missed opportunity big bro little sis dynamic with a-qing... SUCH A WASTE #Hate when fandom tries to pretend he didn't care at all for her HE DID HE'S JUST CRAZY AND STUPID #Xy character traits not listed here are an inability to express gratitude #And a tendency to cling to first impressions

[detective-gum-chew]

okay okay okay

i know this isnt an orginal idea by any means but roleswap!narumitsu is just so good

so youll have to indulge me because this lives in my head rent free and i want to write it down concretely somewhere (also this gets LONG so ill pop a cut in here)

alright so:

1. at least in my writing of it, this is also a no-dl6/gregory lives au. but as well at that, miles and phoenix didnt go to school together

2. this means that there was nobody to defend phoenix at the class trial (yes i know the money stolen was edgeworths but shhh lets pretend it was someone elses, kay?) this lead to phoenix becoming not only bitter, but somewhat obsessive over the idea of punishing people that do wrong

(if someone can find that quote where phoenix talks about how he could have become a prosecutor because of the trial i will give u a gentle kiss on the forehead) 

3. Edgeworth was raised by Gregory and ends up becoming a defense attorney

4. in this, Von Karma goes down and Franzy is adopted by Gregory, and she assists Miles in his cases. (she can still have a whip, as a treat.)

5. anyway with that set up, lets get into some cases

6. Larry gets accused of Cindys murder, Miles defends with Franzy

7. Lets say Mia was in the crowd of that trial and decided to contact miles, seeing as he appears to be another uncorrupt lawyer and asks him for his help in taking down Redd White

8. He agrees, and she sets a time for him to meet at her office so they can talk. Mia then calls her sister and updates her on how shes going to recruit another person (Redd White hears this)

9. Much like the original case, Mia gets murdered, but this time, Maya isnt here to be blamed. Instead, its Miles himself, as the name that White heard over the phone (so basically we’re speed running to the “defend yourself in court” part)

10. the prosecutor today is Phoenix Wright.

11. but before that lets go into some backstory actually. Phoenix had encountered Mia previously during the Terry Fawles case. He had respected her as a peer, if not for just her determination and deductive skills. (After all, he was young at the time and solely focused on punishing the wicked) After Diego’s poisoning, he had briefly reached out for condolences

12. but anyway, Phoenix had distantly respected Mia, and now that she was dead, he was going to be tough on whoever he thought murdered her.

13. Miles proves his innocence, although it takes some baiting to get Redd White out of his building and actually into court. 

14. Wright is... not pleased about this, but theres not much he can do. His displeasure for Mias murder has shifted, but theres a new displeasure for Miles, the man who could beat him in court. (”well well well, you managed to save your own skin. But you should hope you get as lucky as you did in your next case”)

15. Next case! We know Miles is a steel samurai fan, so even without Maya it takes very little convincing for him to take the case. (Fran is not as amused but trusts her brother... enough.. to follow his lead)

16. Case proceeds mostly as normal, with Phoenix requiring Dee to re-do her testimony (maybe something deep within him still itches to put the true bad guy away, even if its harder than the accused)

17. I dont think Phonix would deliver the unnecessary feelings line, although there definetely is that moment in the lobby where hes like “hm. maybe you arent a bad person, but that doesnt mean i have to like you.”

18. and now, now now now, we finally get to the part where i somehow managed to put the most thought into. (for context it is nearly 2 am when i am writing this)

19. sleep schedule aside, you couldnt have thought i would made this WITHOUT some good angst, so here we go. case four is similarly structured to the original, but with an extra side of Phoenix angst.

20. Miles wakes up to Franzy shaking him. She points to the television. the news is on, but the voices are drowned out by a distant ringing as he stares at the image on the screen.

Famed Prosecutor Phoenix Wright Arrested For Murder

21. it just doesnt make sense. So he gets out of bed and into the closest clothes he can find and out the door with his sister in tow. He sits in the cold detention room, thinking about the other side of the glass.

22. Phoenix Wright looks dull. He asks what they want. Miles says he wants an explanation. Wright sneers and asks why. For some reason, that pisses Miles off. He slams his badge to the glass and Wright looks surprised.

“Do you know what this is? It’s my attorneys badge.”

“the badge doesnt mean youre a good lawyer.”

“Well Mr Wright, its 2-0, so i dont think you have any right to say that.” Miles glares at him and Wright sits back in his seat. He watches Miles for a long time.

“If im going to defend you, you need to tell me what happened.“ Wrights eyebrows shoot up and Franziska squawks at his side

“What do you mean defend him!”

“What she said.”

Miles narrows his eyes at Wright as he ponders to himself the answer. Why is he doing it? the answer comes to him. 

“Because i dont believe you did it.”

For all his snark, Miles cant bring himself to believe that the man in front of him would kill someone. Theres something about him, either in his eyes or the way he carries himself that makes the idea itself preposterous. Wright looks at him for a long time after he says it.

“Very well.”

21. Miles doesnt seem him until court, but at least he testifies. The next person up, a red head by the name of Melissa Foster, gives a testimony that seems airtight.

22. that is, until he looks over at Phoenix, who is pale as he looks at the woman on the witness stand. Phoenix catches his eye, and very carefully, very slowly, mouths one name.

Dahlia Hawthorne

23. (I really wish i could continue with the more narrative parts of this but im honestly running out of steam and ill get to the point lol. Maybe ill finish it later.)

24. Terry Fawles dies on the stand. Diego Armando falls into a coma. Dahlia Hawthorne walks free. Even after what happened to Diego, Phoenix is convinced he can do better. He sets up a meeting with Dahlia.

25. Doug shows up, trying to persuade him away from it, saying he overheard Dahlia’s plan to kill Phoenix when she arrives. Phoenix is cocky, and the pair fight. Doug gets shoved into the powerline. Phoenix, thinking him dead, panics and runs.

26. Dahlia, having overheard, goes back and finishes him off, drops some poison into his mouth perhaps. With an accidental death with a cause so obvious, nobody bothers to run blood tests (until Miles)

27. Its years later, and Phoenix gets a note that tells him they know what really happened to Doug. Phoenix arrives to a meeting place to find a dead body. He picks up the vial of poison almost absently. 

28. After all, Dahlia had gotten rid of Diego and Mia was dead. Now all she had to do was get rid of Phoenix

29. It plays out similarly to case four, with Phoenix being absolved of the first murder, then confessing to the old one. Miles has gone through the work to save his life once, that he cant not do it again.

30. but happy endings (ish) for all, with Phoenix being freed, Dahlia imprisoned and Miles having a better understanding of both him and Phoenix.

31. maybe more happens but we’re at bullet point 31 so its time to stop for now lmao. uh but yeah! roleswap au..... brainrot really.

#lmk what yall think #sorry to maya for writing her out but i couldnt find a way to put her in ;-; #sorry if it gets repetitive towards the end i did not edit this at all #roleswap au #defense attorney!miles #prosecutor!phoenix #ace attorney #phoenix wright #miles edgeworth #aa au

[is-that-another-soulmate-au]

Sun Touched Zuko AU!!

Tag list @chaoticidiott @mypureessence @fae-tales-personal

This won't be a soulmate AU but it will be Zukka for sure.

Zuko was born sick, so sick in fact that he was going to die. His mother prayed to Agni that he would live, prayed that the sun spirit would save her first born son. In the gardens she held him up to the Setting sun pleading. The suns rays caught in the amber stone on top of the alter set for worship and moved to Zuko's eyes. His hair changed from solid black to a golden blonde, he opened eyes and began to cry. He was touched by the Sun and lived.

Ursa couldnt have been more happy, her son was alive. "My little sunshine" she whispered with tears rolling down her cheeks as she held him close and rocked him in her arms.

When Ozai saw his son's golden hair he demanded that it be dyed black, but was willing to compromise when Ursa suggested they wait until he turns 5 so that the dyes don't harm him.

The first time they dyed his hair he asked his mom why, his bright molten eyes looking at her with confusion "because your father wants you to feel safer my sunshine, people will stare at you with that bright shining hair of yours"

"Oh, okay" was his only response that day. He never questioned it anymore when they touched up his roots weekly.

After his mother left him he felt alone in the world, his dad still staining his golden hair each week with more and more ink. All the while berating him when he couldnt control his fire well. Even with being touched by the spirit and having powerful fire he couldnt manage to control it, couldnt understand how to. Until master Piandou taught him swords and he applied his teachings to his fire.

The first time he used his swords to control the fire Piandou was more than impressed "Prince Zuko! That was amazing!"

"Thank you Master, thinking of the swords as an extension helped me control the flames better" his smile soon faded when his father appeared

"Yes, great work Zuko, I am pleased to see you have learned how to control your flames, however mixing these arts in this fashion is unacceptable. Come with me"

After that he wasn't allowed back at Piandou's unless he was accompanied by either his father, or an advisor to make sure he practiced correctly.

On the day of his fated Agni Kai Zuko had just gotten his roots retouched before entering the war meeting. When his father burnt him for speaking out of term his tears felt like lava running down his cheeks. He could smell the fresh dye burning and it hurt his lungs.

His Uncle immediately took him under his wing when he was banished "Zuko, my star," his Uncle pleaded when they were at the western airtemple "i need to dress your wound, the sun spirit would not want you to lose your eye"

Zuko reluctantly let his Uncle clean and dress his wound several times on their travels until it healed and scarred over. When it finally healed over Iroh smiled "there you go sunshine" he said as he wiped the tears forming in Zuko's good eye away "do not cry Prince Zuko, you are safe"

He still dyed his roots every week to uphold his place as prince. He did not know that his golden hair was his own symbol or royalty, that the sun chose him. Sure he knew the sun saved him, but he could not understand that it was because he was chosen.

When he arrived at the South pole and discovered the Avatar, he felt a breath of relief wash over him. He was going home, but he heavily underestimated the Avatar's abilities and lost him.

Soon he started a cat and mouse game with the monk and his two southern water tribe friends. After the northpole he slacked on dying his hair, not because he didnt want to, he simply didn't have the resources to do so. So his roots started to grow in gold.

"Well your looking golden Zuzu" Azula's voice startled Zuko when he walked into the hut they were staying in.

"Azula, what are you doing here" he glared at his younger sister

"You know, im my country. We greet one another before asking questions" she responded coldly "i was just passing through"

"To what do we owe the pleasure of your visit Princess Azula?" Iroh piped into the conversation

"No wonder you two click, always so quick and to the point. Father sent me, family is suddenly very important to him." She turned her head to look out the window "father regrets your banishment. He wants you home"

Zuko was frozen in place "father regrets?"

"I can see you need time to think this through, ill be by to collect you in the morning" Azula smiled softly before a flash of worry flashed on her face for a split second as she walked out the door.

When Azula's true intentions were revealed Zuko and Iroh managed to flee from her and her soldiers. When they stopped at the river to cut their hair Zuko looked at Iroh when he watched the inky hair fall into the river "your gold hair will conceal your identity fairly well my nephew"

"Yeah, it'll hide me pretty well" nobody had seen Zuko with his golden hair before. He hadnt seen his hair fully gold since age five.

On their travels his hair grew fairly fast now that it wasnt being dyed so often. It would catch the eye of several earth kindom citizens when he passed through towns. When he and Iroh were sitting against a building with a hat in front of them a young woman approached them and slipped a few gold pieces in "I know this might sound creepy, and I'm only asking this because I cannot resist. But may I kiss your hair sir? You can say no, I won't take my money back."

Zuko flushed a light shade of pink and scratched the back of his head "uhm, s-sure?" He mumbled out and leaned his head towards her. She placed a tender almost motherly kiss to the top of his head.

"Oh, your hair is so beautiful sir, it's like a million rays of sun. I wish you luck, i can only spare a little but if you'd take these small meals Im sure they'd help you" she said while offering two wrapped meals

They accepted and thanked her with small bows "what a nice young lady, huh?" Iroh said and nudged Zuko's arm

"Yeah, she was very nice"

When Zuko and Iroh found Azula and Aang battling in an abandoned earth town Azula pointed out his hair "wow Zuzu! You look just like a star! Where'd all that ink go?" When the fight ended and Iroh was injured Zukos cheeks felt like magma was pouring from his eyes.

"Zuko, I can hel-" Katara approached them

"LEAVE!" Zuko cried out, turning to Katara with golden tears running down his face.

While on the Ferry to Ba Sing Se Zuko was angry, not angry at anyone or anything in particular, he was just angry. "Hey" the voice of a man at his right side broke his brooding "names Jet"

"Lee" Zuko muttered out how cover name

"Yknow Lee, I hear the captain is eating like a king while we're stuck eating all his left overs" he paused "want to help me... liberate some food rations?"

It didn't take much to convince Zuko to join him. They liberated the food quickly without getting caught. Zuko found himself wandering the the front of the lower deck, leaning on the railing. "You know, as soon as I saw your scar, I knew exactly who you were" he paused as he approached Zuko "youre a refugee, like me. Thing is though, I've never seen hair like yours, let along your eyes."

Jet reached out and brushed Zuko's hair out of his face. "The freedom fighters could use a starlight like you, what do you say?"

Zuko smacked Jets hand away gently "thanks, but no thanks, you don't want me on your team, trust me"

In Ba Sing Se Iroh and Zuko made a life for themselves. They managed to have their own tea shop and apartment. Things were doing great, until Zuko went after the Avatar's bison, mind you he went there originally to take the bison captive, but when he saw that the creature was hurt he sheathed his swords and removed his mask, letting his golden hair free as he approached the bison "hey buddy, are you okay?" His voice was much softer than usual "oh no, here let me help you, this is going to hurt and I'm sorry, but I need to pull out this thorn" he talked to him the whole time he was pulling out thorns, gently rubbing the fur near it to sooth him.

When he pulled all of the thorns out he took out his swords "alright buddy, dont worry about the swords, im going to use them to cut you out of these chains, shhh its okay, you're okay" he continued to talk him through each of the six shackles "there we go big guy, now you need to get out of here, go find your friends- ah! Hey!" Appa knocked him over and gave him a thanks with a big sloppy dog like lick across his torso and face before taking off.

"You did well my nephew" Zuko shot up at his uncle's voice

"Uncle?" His startled voice wavered

"Now lets get you out of here and back home." And that they did.

When they made it back to their apartment Zuko felt dizzy, he held his head in his hand "I dont feel good" he managed to get out before collapsing and breaking a vase

"Zuko!" Iroh shouted as he rushed to his nephew to make sure he didnt hurt himself on any broken glass.

In his Angst coma Sokka heard his mother singing

"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me Happy! When skies are grey. You'll never know dear, how much I love you, so please don't hide my sunshine away"

His sisters voice mocked his hair "youre hair makes you look like a dandelion, a weed can't take the throne!" Her cackling filled his ears.

There was a blinding light and a woman appeared with flowing gold hair and bright fire eyes "my dear star, why do you let yourself hurt so much?"

"I don't, who are you?"

"I'm Agni my dear, you do know I chose you right?"

"Why?"

"You are special my dear, your mother made sure to get my attention and I am so glad she did" the woman spoke as she placed her hand on his cheek. Filling him with the image of her reaching out to kiss his eyes as a baby. "You are meant for great things little star." Her voice faded as she herself did

He soon woke from his coma with a fresh breath. Taking charge in making sure his Uncle's tea shop did well, and helping him where he could. However Azula soon found them and summoned them to the palace under the guise of serving tea to the king. Things didnt end well and Zuko was thrown into a cave beneath the City with Katara.

"Why would they throw you in here!" Her angry and hurt voice filled his ears as he tried not to make her feel more uncomfortable by staying as far from her as possible.

when she mentioned her mother he turned around and spoke "thats something we have in common"

"What?"

"My mother was my only source of safety... she was the only one who defended me against my sister and my father. And one day my father was ordered to... do something terrible and my mother protected me somehow, I dont know what happened but when I was half awake she told me goodbye and when I fully woke up she was gone."

When they were separated and Azula had Iroh trapped she approached "Zuko, nows your chance to come home. Help me defeat the avatar and you can come home. Without inking your hair. Isnt this what you've always wanted? You'll have your honor back, you'll have fathers love back"

And despite all he had gone through he still chose the path of returning to his father. When he did return his father wanted to dye his hair but Azula spoke up against it "father, if I may. Zuko's hair is a symbol of the fire goddess Agni, if he were to take the thrown it'd be best to show that she has chosen him"

"Yes, that is true. Alright, off with you two"

Reuniting with Mai wasnt smooth, she confessed to him that her and Ty Lee connected and while he was saddened he just smiled "I'm glad you two are with eachother, you work well"

On the day of Black sun, with the information he had learned from Iroh and armed with the fact that his father was practically powerless without his bending. He approached him.

"Zuko, what are you doing here?"

"Im here to tell the truth"

Ozai let out a snort "telling the truth during an eclipse?" He waved off his gaurds "what do you have to say"

"First of all, Azula lied to you, she was the one who shot down the avatar"

"What?! Why would she lie about that?"

"Because the avatars not dead, he's probably leading this invasion right now"

"Get out! Get out if you know what's good for you!"

"Thats another thing, I'm not taking orders from you anymore"

"You will obey me or face the consequences!" As Ozai stood Zuko drew his dual swords and took a stance

"Think again. I am going to speak my mind and you are going to listen"

He went on to question his father "you knew Agni chose me as a child and that was the reason my hair turned gold. You knew this and yet you hid that from the world, you darkened my hair for years, and you have the gull to tell me I was lucky to be born. You! The tyrannical leader set out to destroy the world. you! My own father challenged me to an Agni Kai just for speaking out of term, how could you possibly justify a duel with a child!"

"It was to teach you respect!"

"It was cruel and it was wrong"

"Then you have learned nothing!"

"No! I've learned everything, and I've had to do most of it on my own" he paused "Growing up we were taught that the war was our nations way of spread joy, what an incredible lie that was, the other nations don't love us, they fear us, and they are right to fear us, we've brought the world to an era of hate and suffering, now we need to fill it with one of peace and joy"

"Your uncle has gotten to you hasnt he" Ozai laughed

"Yes, he has, and I've come to another decision, im going to join the avatar, and im going to help him take you down."

After announcing this he turned to leave but stayed to learn about what happened to his mother

"She's alive?" He said in a soft voice as a single golden tear rolled down his cheek

"Perhaps," Ozai paused "now i see that banishment is far too small of a punishment for treason" he said as he gathered lightning and shot it at Zuko who quickly redirected it right back at him before escaping.

After finding that Iroh had broken out of prison Zuko fled the firenation in a small war ballon and followed the Avatar's Sky bison to the western air temples. Their first encounter didn't go so well and he managed to burn Toph's feet but after helping them defeat the assassin and managing to form his words more properly and giving a genuine apology to Toph he was on the team.

Some time after joining and managing to break Sokka's dad, Suki and Chit Sang out of prison they were all sitting around the fire. "So.. uhm Zuko" Aang started

Zuko turned to look at him "yeah?"

"I have to ask, pretty bunch nobody in the firenation has golden blonde hair right?" Zuko absentmindedly ran his fingers through his hair at the question

"Yeah, and when you were first chasing us your hair was black, whats up with that?" Sokka added

"Oh, uh, well my hair was always dyed black because my father doesn't like my gold hair..." he paused "when I was born, I was sick, so sick that my parents thought I was going to die. But my mother pleaded with Agni to spare me, she took me to the sun worship alter in the palace gardens at sunset and held me up, pleading. When the last ray of light from Agni, my hair turned golden and I began to cry. So, in a sense the sun gave me my life"

"Like Yue!" Sokka piped up

"Like who?"

"Princess Yue! She was born sick just like you, and the moon spirit saved her. Well, she's the moon spirit now"

"Woah woah wait, is this the girlfriend you said turned into the moon?"

"Yep!"

"Well, just don't go falling for Zuko now, dont want to have your first boyfriend turn into the sun" Suki teased him

"Hey, at least I'd have a full set of spirit lovers"

Zuko's face turned beet red and the group laughed at him. Over the next few weeks of them being in close quarters Zuko found that he was growing feelings for the water tribe boy. Anytime he'd look at him he felt his stomach do a flip. But he didnt have time to think about his feelings.

Even though the sun touched prince tried not to think about Sokka on the mission with Katara, he couldn't help it. When they were returning Katara piped up "I know you like him" she paused to watch his surprised face "its okay you know, its fine if you like him. I dont have like you to let my brother like you. I may be cold to you but im not a monster like your father" she tied off the sentence by staring off "and besides, if Agni chose you, I think you would be safe for Sokka"

When they got back he heard sokka shout "You're back! Thank La youre safe!" Turning to Katara he expected to see Sokka running to hug his sister. Instead he was tackled to the ground with a hug from Sokka "how did it go Katara?" He asked from the ground while quite literally snuggling into Zuko with this hug that was still very much happening.

"I found him, and he was just so pathetic, i couldnt kill him"

Sokka then stood up and helped Zuko to his feet and placed a quick sneaky kiss to his cheek before moving to hug his sister, leaving Zuko frozen in confusion. He remained frozen until Suki came up to him "he's trying to confess silently, he's weird like that, corner him later if you want to hear an actual confession"

He however didn't manage to corner the now seemingly overly flirty blue boy until they were at ember Island. It wasnt until just before bed when Sokka was walking past Zuko's bedroom door. He reached out grabbed Sokka's shirt and yanked him into the room before slamming the door shut and pinning him to it. "What are you doing?"

"Wh-what do you mean? You're the one who dragged me into your room, what are you doing?"

"Dont play dumb with me Sokka, you've been flirting with me since I got back from my trip with your sist-"

"Actually ive been flirting with you since the temples, you just didn't notice until I kissed you"

"You mean until you missed"

"What?"

Zuko smirked "you missed" he mumbled before leaning closer "you went for a kiss but you missed"

They ended up spending the night sharing a room and a bed. When the morning sun peaked through the windows Zuko curled back into sokka who in turn pulled him closer. Both refusing to wake up until Katara knocked on the door and opened it "breakfast is ready, if you two love birds want some warm food you better hury and I better not see any hickeys"

"Ugh! Katara we just cuddled!" Sokka said as he burried his face in Zuko's hair.

Katara simply laughed "alright, but still, hury up."

When the day of the comet came and Zuko had to separate from Sokka he saw the worry in his blue eyes "Ive got this Sokka, Agnj chose me remembe, besides, I've got Katara with me and she's powerful" he placed a quick kiss to Sokka's lips "go take down those ships, and I'll see you by the timd the sun rises tomorrow."

And he was right, even though he was shot with lightning and Sokka broke his leg they both came out of the battle alive and together. When Zuko woke up to find Sokka curled up against him he smiled and let out a soft breath of pink fire. Relief.

"Woah, do that again" Sokka's groggy 'just woke up' voice rumbled against his shoulder

"Sorry I didn't mean to wake you, do you mean this?" He let out another breath of fire, this time a pale purple

"I didn't know you could do other colors of fire"

"Well, I couldn't until I went to the sunwarriors, Agni spoke to me there"

After Zuko's Coronation the firenation began righting their wrongs. It was a long struggle for sure. However two years into his reign with Sokka having practically moved in he found that he would soon have a partner to help him through these struggles.

The day had only just begun but Sokka was dragging Zuko to the turtleduck pond where they often sat together to simply relax. Sokka seemed a little antsy this time though "what's wrong Sokka?"

"Uhm, well, I have something I need to ask you," he paused and reached into his pocket while sinkning down to one knee. Zuko's breath caught in his throat as he saw Sokka pull out a betrothal becklace, the band was made with a fine red silk and the center piece was gold with a carving of a sun with a wave inside of it. "Zuko," he took a shaky breath "you've been by my side for two years now, you've held my hand through war and peace, quite literally, and you've done so while loving me whole heartedly. I can't imagine my life without you in it." Zuko could feel golden tears threatening to fall fram his molten eyes "Zuko, will you marry me?"

"Yes!" He heard himself responding before he could even think "Agni, yes Sokka, of course I'll marry you!"

Sokka moved from his kneeling position to lifting Zuko up into a kiss, holding him right under his rear. Zuko held his face in his hands as he pressed his lips to Sokka's as he was lifted up quite unceremoniously.

Once he was set down Sokka helped him put on the betrothal necklace. He reached up to touch the Golden pendant and smiled up at Sokka with gold tears falling down his cheeks.

Their marraige was held not long after, joining the southern water tribe and the firenation in a strong Union with a mixed culture wedding blues, silvers, reds and golds filled the wedding and reception as well as suns and moons.

Agni smiled down on the wedding that day, her chosen sunshine found his moon.

Yue smiled on them that night as they stood on the balcony holding one another. The boy who protected her finally found his light.

>Woo boy that was a long one! I sure hope you enjoyed it!<

#RayMakesSoulmates #ray of sunshine #prince zuko #sokka x zuko #zuko #zukka #atla zuko #ambassador sokka #sokka #atla sokka #avatar sokka #sunrise #sunchild #agni kai #fanfic #wedding #marraige #princess yue #katara #atla aang #avatar aang #aang #avatar the last airbender #avatar: tla #avatar: the legend of aang #avatar: the last airbender

[peachiikawa]

Caged Bird | Prince!Oikawa Tooru x Reader

a/n: if you know anything about fairytales then you might realize that the reader has the flute of the pied piper, though modified for the story. been watching a lot of once upon a time and got the idea from the neverland arc. hope you enjoy!

word count: 1.9k

genre: fantasy, romance

trigger warnings: reader gets hurt a bit but nothing graphic

summary: oikawa has always lived a lonesome life in the cage that is his castle. one day he sneaks out and a beautiful melody leads him to you, a traveling musician. oikawa is about to find out that his luck is going to change for the better.

oikawa gazed out over the town from his balcony

he let out a long sigh as he grew bored from his studies

“why the long face trashykawa?”

his bestfriend and knight walked up next to him and leaned against the railing

“oh you know, just bored of being in this castle. theres a whole town of people out there and im stuck in here. gets tiring after a while”

iwaizumi listened to his friend and nodded along to what he was saying

“then sneak out for a day”

oikawas eyes widened

“youd help me sneak out?”

“only if you come back by sundown”

so oikawa grabbed his cloak and thanks to iwas help got out of the castle

despite being born and raised in this town oikawa had no idea where he was

and after about ten minutes he was completely and utterly lost

until he heard the faint sound of a flute

he followed the sound until he ended up in the mostly cleared out town square where he saw you playing a small wooden flute for those who were present, though you had no audience

everyone walked past you as if you were invisible like you werent playing such a beautiful song

he approached you slowly and listened until you finished your performance

“that was really good”

you looked up at him and smiled

“always a pleasure to play for those who need it”

the bright smile on your face felt warm and inviting

like he was meant to be here

“would you like to take a seat next to me?”

you gestured to the spot next to you and he gladly took it

“so...whats your story”

hes hesitant to answer your question

“ill tell you mine if you tell me yours”

you set your flute down in your bag next to you

“well first of all my names y/n and my life is nothing too interesting. im a traveling performer and play my flute as a way to pass time and help those who need it. always come across the most interesting people this way”

traveling. thats something oikawa could only dream of

“so cmon now tell me about you”

he peaked at you through his hood

“ok but dont make a big commotion..im oikawa tooru”

you laughed a bit

“thats funny you share the same name as the prince”

you stopped laughing when you saw the serious look in his eyes

“oh..oh! im so sorry for being so rude!”

you started to scramble around when he grabbed your wrists to stop your movements

“shh yes im the prince but stop flailing people are starting to look”

once you had calmed down he went on

“ive been confined to my castle my whole life and stuck to certain rules i have to follow. it seems like even if i catch a break something else comes along. i have to stay this perfect image because im the prince and it just gets so lonely. its as if im a bird trapped in a cage and theres no way out”

ah so there it is

the reason he could hear your flute

you picked a flower that was growing next to you and placed it in his hair as you spoke

“im sorry your lifes been like that but oikawa, if i may be so bold, even a caged bird will become wise enough to break free. the dream of flying is too great to resist”

Once you had properly placed the flower you smiled at him before standing up from your spot and grabbing your bag

you then held your hand out to him

but he couldnt gather his thoughts

you were so bright it was almost blinding

“now cmon! lets go have some fun!”

he looked at the hand held out to him

and with a leap of faith, he took it

he was going to get out of this cage, this perpetual cycle

and finally add some meaning to his life

day after day you two spent your time together

oikawas days that were once filled with hollow words and empty actions were now filled with happiness

filled with you

and everyday slowly but surely he was falling for you

passing glances turned into prolonged gazes

his heart could no longer stay still around you

you became the key to his happiness

but for now...he had to be content with just being next to you

it would be too selfish otherwise

to ask you to stay with him here in the kingdom...he could never trap you like that

“so what are we doing today y/n?”

you were strolling through the town on a quiet sunday afternoon like you had the last few sundays

“how about we go to the bakery? theyre usually busy but since its sunday i bet its not as packed and then i want to take you somewhere”

he was curious as to what you had in store but decided against asking questions

so you two got some baked goods and headed out towards the woods

“cmon we’re almost there”

you pushed some branches and shrubs out of the way

and one eventually hit him in the face

“watch it y/n! i keep getting wacked by you”

you just chuckled a bit which oikawa had found adorable in itself

it made his heart slow just hearing it

“just come on!”

eventually you two made it to a clearing over a beautiful lake

he didnt know that there was something like this so close by

he was absolutely amazed by it

“take a seat oikawa! we can rest and eat here!”

this moment was just too perfect to him

with you here he felt as if nothing bad could happen

that if he only could see your smile everything would be alright

being content with just being at your side...was no longer and option

he knew that if he wanted this he needed to take his chance

“y/n”

your eyes were full of life and he couldnt help but feel so happy next to you

and before he knew it he was closing the gap between the two of you with a hand gently cradling your cheek

but right before you two could kiss you were ripped away from him

“dont you dare touch the prince commoner!”

oikawa frantically looked around as many of his guards came out of the brush

“get your hands off of them!”

you were pressed to the ground and the sight almost broke his heart

“sorry your highness but we’re under strict orders to bring you back and throw whoever was seducing you to leave the castle into the dungeon”

the guard that had been on you lifted you up like you were a sack and bound you by rope

you gave oikawa a final smile before you were taken away even though you were so banged up that it made him want to puke

he was speechless

this is what he was talking about

being so controlled and monitored made him feel so small and helpless

and he absolutely abhorred it

“your highness your mother is waiting for you in the throne room”

oikawa was beyond upset

this isnt how he wants to live

“mother how could you throw the only good thing in my life away!”

his mother sneered at his words

“only good thing? what need to you have for that filthy peasant! and how dare you cast me aside as if i hadnt given you everything you own, everything you are is because of me! i will not allow for any of this nonsense! now go wash up. and dont you dare ever leave the castle again and i forbid you from seeing that nasty peasant again. wasting your time with such a person...”

he gritted his teeth and was about turn to leave

his emotions were running too high

he wasnt himself and he knew it

but even so...he wont allow it to end like this

he was going to end it on his terms

“no”

“what did you say?”

he stood his ground

“i said no mother. im going to live the way i want and with who i want. ill gladly give up my title because frankly, i never wanted it in the first place. and dont you ever call y/n filthy or nasty again. their so incredibly kind and full of joy and laughter. i can only hope to be like that one day. so ive decided that im leaving. with y/n.”

as soon as the doors shut behind him he let out the breath he didnt even know he was holding

but it also felt as if there was a giant weight off of him now

“im coming y/n dont you worry”

it had been a couple hours since you were brought to your cell

you didnt have any major injuries, just a few cuts and scratches from when you were body slammed to the ground

“do you mind if i play?”

you pulled out your flute and the guard nodded

“thank you!”

you started playing and filled the cell you were in with a relaxing tune

“why do you play if it doesnt make noise?”

you stopped and looked at the spiky haired man who stood outside your cell

“it takes a certain person to appreciate its music”

he just looked at you as if you were crazy

but you continued anyways

until you heard frantic running coming from down the hall

“iwa you gotta let them out”

oikawa was panting trying to catch his breath

“dude no offense but your mom would kill me and you if i just let them out”

oikawa grabbed the key from iwaizumis waist before he even realized what had happened

“dont worry about it iwa. and dont worry about me. today i start my new life. it was good knowing you buddy”

they gripped hands the way they always had. A solemn but knowing look was shared between them

“if i had known me letting you leave the castle one time would lead to this...i would have done it a lot sooner. good luck out there bud”

oikawa quickly turned to you and helped you off of the ground

“you ready to run?”

he cupped your cheek and ran his thumb over one of the small cuts

hed be sure to treat that later

you nodded and leaned into his hand

“are you sure this is what you want?”

you were happy to leave with him

its more than you could ever ask for

“y/n youre the only person thats made me feel free. and by doing this i will be.”

you two finally got to share the kiss you had been deprived of and not only was it full of love but also full of hope for your future

“then lets go”

and you two sprinted off to your next adventure together

the flute you possessed was one he could no longer hear the sound of after that day

for it was enchanted, only to be be heard by those who were lost and lonely

with you he was neither anymore

and he couldnt be any happier than living out the rest of his days with you as a free man, a bird outside of its cage

#oikawa headcanons #oikawa x reader #oikawa toru x reader #oikawa tooru #oikawa tooru x reader #haikyuu!! #haikyuu imagines #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu!! x reader #haikyuu headcanons #haikyuu!! headcanons #haikyu x reader

[foryouthegays]

spreading propaganda [Dream SMP] liveblog yall lets go. this is so long i am sorry but the end is an actual summary of what happens asldkfa

sellout timer pog: 00:30:20, 01:00:40, 01:31:35, 02:02:03 (for like a second), 02:03:00, 02:34:35

time spent reading donations: 10 minutes, 20ish seconds. 

fanart credit he puts up (all from twitter i think): snumkt, reinneart, lihnsu, sestqr, jester_u, Brigade_Lost, natonyy

also taggin @antarctic-empire-technoblade​ :) theres an actual summary at the end that isnt just me ramblin so,,,,,,ye. i am so sorry its so long a;dkfja i dont know how to condense things 

00:00:35 “i stole a lot of sand recently,” ah yes, a casual conversation starter, the admission of theft 

00:03:55 hE HAS A VILLAGER TRADING HALL CHAPEL IN THE VILLAGE SIR THAT IS ILLEGAL 

00:04:13 

tubbo: -..--...--- 

ranboo: that means beans right

no, ranboo, not it does not (i put it into a translator and it just. it doesnt mean anything. i didnt see any spaces so im just. what was mr tubbo trying to say

00:04:35: relationship advice with technoblade! [reading donation] “‘techno, my boyfriend said he’ll never sub to you, how do i handle this travesty?’ uh, clearly you need to break up with him, and send me more money, is the most- that’s the most unbiased opinion I can give you, it’s just a good life decision, alright? It’s just a good life decision.”

00:16:00 ranboo hi!!!! him garden :D 

HOUND ARMY HOUND ARMY 00:18:10

00:20:15 ‘i have not made a tier list [for dinosaurs] yet’ Y E T? ? ? ?? ? 

00:20:55

“‘Hey, are you uncomfortable with being part of the SBI family dynamic?’ Uh, I don’t really- it’s not a matter of being uncomfortable, it’s just a matter of people making massive revisions to my character and the lore three months into the story without telling me, and it’s like, ‘no, that doesn’t- the story doesn’t- so many things don’t make sense now! What?? What???’ but if you want to make like, fanart of it, it’s fine”

00:21:25 imagine believing in airplanes, couldnt be me

00:21:35 SKLDJFAK a dono is like, hey can u call my new cousin a nerd, and technos like [claps] yOUVE COME TO THE RIGHT MAN im all about bullying infant children 

lakjshdfl 00:26:15 ‘philza this does not sound lore at all please’ poor techno

00:27:30 HKJSFDL :crab: TUBBO IS GONE :crab: also i cant tell if techno says ‘KILL HIM DEAD’ or ‘KILL HIM, DAD’ 

00:30:20 ‘we should have a grinch episode, where i go around stealing presents from l’manburg’ DO IT

also i was in chat at 00:31:25ish and i said ‘subscribe to technoblade’ and RIGHT AFTER techno said ‘did i hear subscribe to technoblade?’ and i felt so heard 

00:33:25 why is his only response to being seen in enemy lines to just stay realllyyyyy still a;lkdfjasf 

00:39:45 ‘this is crucial information coming to you live from anarchy news’ A;LSDKFJA;LSDF

00:46:25 :CRAB: RANBOO IS GONE :CRAB: DEAD MEN TELL NO TALES 

alkdfja; 00:47:55 techno talks (sarcastically) abt how great it is when chat tells him where his stuff is

00:48:50 awww techno showin his not-dad his hound army!!! so cute 

00:55:30 techno specifies that theyre all characters/roleplayin!!!

techno talkin to phil is literally like a kid talkin to his dad after not seein him for a while. like yeah yeah family isnt canon in this but KSJDFLA hes like ‘phillll tommys being annoying also look at this new poster!!!!’ its so cute

01:09:20 A;SDJFADSL THE VILLAGER JUST. FALLS THROUGH THE FLOOR

techno nd phil reference smp earth at 01:19:50!!!!

(ik some people dont like enbyctechno so heres ur warnin, its just for this line tho) techno says ‘no one man should have this power’ but he HAS that power. therefore. mr c!blade is not a guy 01:35:00ish idk im not goin back to check

01:38:35 alright gang lets split up and look for clues 

01:45:20 ‘my chat’s sayin theres a 0% chance this is gonna work,,,,thATS A CHANCE I’M WILLING TO TAKE, CHAT’ skjdflasl;dfjaf (also, bit after, after readin the wiki say its 0% chance: ‘i like those odds’) 

01:48:15 [abt the zombie villager baby] 

Techno: on the bright side, we may have inflicted the optimal amount of trauma onto this child for it to become funny? 

Ranboo: ooooh yeah! it can become a minecraft youtuber!

techno: yeeeeeeah!!

pls get some therapy

a;ldkfassa the mental image of techno ownin an orphanage,,,,paldkfajslfasf 01:51:35

a;ldsifjasdklf ranboo is canonically a villager now, pog 01:56:50

01:57:50 ranboo: ‘they say that im built different, i am built different, in the fact that i have no moral backbone.’

01:58:30 BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD also why is techno so good at the bow like WHAT he looks in third person and turns nd shoots in like a second and hits most of the time its scary literally look at ranboo a;ldsjkfadsf hes like a porcupine 

ASKLJDFASLDF RANBOOS ‘OH NO HE KNOWS HOW TO OPEN DOORS’ AT 02:02:25 JUST HAS SUCH TECHNO SKYBLOCK VID VIBES ADLKJFALSDFJA OH MY GOSH

02:06:35 “i feel there has been an attempt on my life,” "no thats just how we greet each other in our country” nether lore pog?

02:08:45 why does techno casually type at 120 wpm?????  god i hate him so much why is he like thisssss ugh (also it took ~3 seconds to type 7 words (34 characters) which is 140 wpm and 680 cpm if i know how to do math i hate it here) /lh

nd then he types ‘punz we’re all outside your house get over here’ which is 47 characters nd 9 words nd it took him 5 seconds to type which is 564 cpm and 108 wpm so his average (from these two samples which. isnt a lot. should i do a post abt this in the future?) is 124 wpm and 622 cpm. hes so fast. 

SDA;FKJASDF PHIL WHY R U SO VIOLENT 

02:17:00 PUNZ POG ALSO MANIFOLD KILLED IN THE HOLY LAND

technos complainin bout the fights bein boring,,,,,,,fight them all, techno. do it. 1v8. do it, coward. 

02:24:02 ‘maybe the real combat was the friends we made along the way’ 

02:25:16 i love that technos first instinct when someone dies is to check what sword/axe killed them nd what enchants r on it aldskfjads

i love how techno calls the manhunt music ‘dream music’ its so funny to me

right before he ends the stream he says ‘p e r h a p s’ to techno plushies and i just,,,, wa n t 

if ya just want an actual summary and not that MESS:

Technoblade starts the stream in his house. the first thing he does is put another piece of fanart in his house, this one by snumkt on twitter. he goes to l’manburg, where he sneaks around very sneakily (/s) and replaces anti-techno propaganda with pro-techno fanart, stating that “If they take it down, it’s ‘cause they hate fanartists.” (00:09:18). 

While placing posters, Techno checks in on his hound army, and reveals that he thinks someone had been in the area, because a wolf teleported to him while he was home. He thinks someone placed water, the dog stood up, and then teleported. (00:18:25)

After breeding the dogs, Techno reads donations and one of the questions is about the SBI family dynamics. Here’s what he says at 00:20:55 

“‘Hey, are you uncomfortable with being part of the SBI family dynamic?’ Uh, I don’t really- it’s not a matter of being uncomfortable, it’s just a matter of people making massive revisions to my character and the lore three months into the story without telling me, and it’s like, ‘no, that doesn’t- the story doesn’t- so many things don’t make sense now! What?? What???’ but if you want to make like, fanart of it, it’s fine”

He then meets up with Philza, who is being escorted by Tubbo. Techno goes to Philzas house, and hides in his new basement. He joins their VC and finds Phil, Wilbur, Tommy, and Tubbo. talking about birthdays. Tubbo goes to the basement and sees Technos invis particles, hits him, and he is revealed. Techno kills tubbo, and declares it canon as a joke. 

He goes back outside, deafened on Discord, and puts down more propaganda. Philza joins his call, and they meet up to try and find Technos stolen items. They don’t find the barrel, but they do find a hidden room under the podium. Techno puts a piece of propaganda in the room. (00:43:30)

While Phil is killing an enderman, Ranboo finds them, and is killed by Techno. (00:46:25) 

Techno takes Phil to see his Hound Army, but they’re stopped by Tubbo. Techno tries to pretend to be Ranboo, but Ranboo goes up to them, so his cover is blown. Techno’s chased to the portal. Phil and Techno meet again in the Nether, and they go back to the house. 

At the house, Phil and Techno talk about the SBI characters, the sellout timer goes off, and then they go downstairs to cure a zombie villager. While it’s curing, Techno gathers books to make a new bow, with Power V, Punch II, Unbreaking III, Flame, and Mending. 

Philza reveals that Ranboo is coming over to give Phil a present. Techno seems excited at this, mostly at the fact that Ranboo can be his new bows test subject. 

Before Ranboo arrives, the villager is cured, and they find out it is a nitwit, meaning it can’t trade or get a job. Techno and Phil start working on a tunnel to bring the villager to a lava pool, so the other villagers won’t gossip and raise their prices. 

Ranboo joins the call at 01:15:35, right before they’re going to bring the villager to the lava pool. He gifts Techno and Phil four Netherite ingots.

After struggling to get the villager to the right height, Techno forces Ranboo to boat the villager into the lava. Ranboo escapes by throwing a pearl, and the villager dies.

Ranboo, Techno, and Phil talk about duping Netherite, and the current plot, and then Techno finds a zombie baby villager. It’s caught in a boat, and Techno nametags it ‘Orphan.’ They talk about the cobblestone tower, Philzas’ death to a baby zombie, and how if you don’t see a child's parents, you should assume that they are an orphan and attack them. 

Techno talks to Jack Manifold through chat about his axe. Techno, Philza, and Ranboo go around and look for zombie villagers. Techno finds an igloo, with two villagers. Techno was going to try and turn them into zombie villagers, but decides to not when he finds out that theres a 0% chance of that happening on Easy mode. 

They all go back to Orphan, and bully it when they find out it still hasn’t grown up. Techno and Ranboo make a joke about how it’s traumatized, so it’ll be funny and can be come a minecraft youtuber. please get some help. (01:48:15)

After Orphan grows up, Techno trades and gets the Bottle of Enchanting trade for one emerald. They all joke about Techno owning an orphanage at 01:51:35.

Phil, Techno, and Ranboo decide go to the Hound Army, but Techno remembers that Ranboo is part of L’manburg, and tries to kill him (with his new bow) when they enter the nether. He doesn’t succeed, and he continues fighting until he drinks and invis pot on the Prime Path. Techno and Phil meet up in the Bee Dome, where Ranboo finds them. Techno tries to kill him, but runs out of arrows. 

After reading donations, Techno, Ranboo, and Phil are back together at the Bee Dome, and they decide to team up in case someone finds them. They go outside of the Dome, and chase Jack Manifold out of his own country.

Manifold joins the VC, and they try to blame Punz on his attempted murder. After Manifold says “i feel there has been an attempt on my life,” Techno says that that’s how he greets people in his country.

Manifold asks if they want to help him get revenge on Punz, and Techno agrees. They gather more people, and by the time they get to Punz’s tower, their party is Manifold, Techno, Phil, Ranboo, Fundy, and Antfrost. Punz is in the Nether, so they wait until he gets back. 

Ranboo and Techno have a whisper conversation:

Ranboo: are you just going to jump fundy

Techno: no im gonna make jack 1v1 LMAO

Ranboo: good plan

While Fundy is taking a screenshot of Techno for his thumbnail, Philza attacks Fundy with a crossbow and his sword. He claims it was because he was getting bored. 

In the same spirit, Techno asks if they could kill Manifold to pass the time. The mob, which now includes Fundy, chases Manifold. He runs to the Holy Land, and the mob boos him.  Techno tells Antfrost to kill Manifold, and that the mob won’t tell that he was killed in the Holy Land. Manifold hands Antfrost his sword. 

While Antfrost debates killing Manifold or not, the mob chants ‘peer pressure!’ at him. Techno quickly realizes that Antfrost isn’t in the VC, and is extremely confused. The sword gets handed to Fundy, who gets into a battle with Manifold. Philza tells Fundy that he’s forgiven, if he can kill Manifold. The battle calms, and neither of the contestants die.

Techno convinces the mob to go to the pit trap, and tries to lure someone onto the trapped blocks using rotten flesh. Fundy takes the bait, but moves out of the way before the button is pressed. Antfrost sneaks up behind him and punches him into the pit. Fundy survives the fall, but is shot by Manifold to death. 

During the commotion, Punz makes his way back to his house, and the mob moves towards him to end his life. Manifold says that he’s going to kill Punz, and Techno says that the mob’ll have his back. He tells the mob to not have Manifold’s back. 

at 02:17:00, Punz joins the call, and is confused as to why Manifold wants to kill him. Manifold explains that Punz tried to kill him, siting his source as Technoblade. 

also, 2:17:15 technoswear!

Techno encourages Punz, saying “Punz, he actually dropped his sword by accident and now I have it, so it’d be really easy to beat him up,” and “he also just killed in the holy land, so you have a sort of...religious motivation to take him out.”

Punz tries to fight Manifold without armor (Manifold is wearing a full enchanted set of armor, with a Netherite chestplate and everything else Diamond), which fails miserably, and Manifold is killed. 

Techno decides to fight Manifold with his goons (the mob) for the audience retention, and Manifold’s quickly killed. The final hit was from CaptainPuffy. Ponk rushes in and grabs some of Manifold’s items. Puffy takes the rest.

Manifold complains about getting bullied, so Techno gives him his sword back and tells him to avenge himself. While looking for Ponk (or Punz? this is kinda unclear), Punz swoops in and kills Manifold in two hits. 

Manifold finds Ponk and chases after him, trying to kill him. The mob follows, and Ranboo kills Ponk with thorns. Manifold takes Ponks stuff. 

Right after respawning, Ponk was blown up by a creeper, and Techno claimed both as canon. 

The mini fights continue, and Manifold is killed by Punz. 

Ranboo changes the ‘Days since last war crime’ sign to 0.

Phil tells Techno that he’s going back to the base, and the L’manburgians question him as to what base he’s talking about. Phil tells Fundy that he ripped off his ankle shackles and left. While they talk, Techno starts running back to the base, and Ranboo whispers “lets run back” to him. Ranboo follows Techno, but quickly looses him.

Phil and Techno join a separate VC together and they go back to the base. 

At 02:29:15, Phil says “I trust you” to Techno and I am going to cry. 

Right before getting to the base, Phil drinks some honey, and Techno says “that’s the only thing we have honey for, now that we’ve uh...uh I guess you don’t know about that.” He’s referring to the Vault, I think, because the redstone required honey to work properly. 

Philza responds, “the honey- wait, what did you use the honey for?” 

“uhhh....food.” Techno, for some reason, doesn’t want to show Phil the vault. 

Ranboo whispers to Techno: “My alliance isnt with lmanburg, its with the people who help me. phil helped me.”

out loud, Techno laughs about it with phil, saying, “well, I’ve stabbed him like twelve times this week, so, I [laughs] I don’t know if that entirely qualifies here.”

Techno messages Ranboo back with “new phone who this” 

Ranboo replies, “no one,” and then, “:)”

Going back to the honey talk, Philza asked if Techno had been hiding anything diabolical from him, and Techno asks if he would do such a thing. Philza guesses several things he could use honey for, such as a flying machine, TNT dupers, and a door.

Techno takes him to the vault. 02:32:00. i LOVE peoples reactions to the vault, it’s always so good. Philza responds with a surprised ‘HOLY SHIT’ and some laughing. Techno also confirms my math of 55 withers. 

02:34:10 “i’ve seen this government, on the server, and everything to do with government is just bad. I’ve watched it completely destroy and tear down people’s wills and change people, I’ve seen it change the nicest people into complete and utter tyrants, so...I think it’s about time--”

“We need revenge. [sellout timer goes off] and more importantly, we neED SUBSCRIBERS ON YOUTUBE DOT COM” phil joinin anarchy pog? 

anyway that was it ;alskdfjas;f

#this ended up bein abt 3000 words whoops #a;ldskfjasldf #technoblade #stream post

[the-exercist]

Ive changed my diet since I graduated from university and now I have time to cook and eat healthier. And Ive started consistently exercising since June. This has resulted in me going from 118kg to 95kg. Stepping on the scale was surreal for me because I couldnt believe I lost weight and I thought this was good but I realise that I cant see any difference and its making me feel worse. How do I stay motivated when I feel like no change is coming from this?

The change is that you have improved your diet and are staying active! Hooray! That’s an awesome step in improving your health and taking care of your body!

Does there really need to be any change beyond that? Caring for yourself is a huge deal in and of itself. Rest well knowing that you’re consciously improving your wellbeing and doing your best to manage your diet and exercise in a responsible manner.

We tend to look at weight loss as the “reward” for eating better or getting to the gym, but that’s a twisted view (which you seem to have discovered for yourself right here). It doesn’t actually reflect your health, or your body image, or your confidence level. So why put such importance on the scale or on your clothing size? 

If it’s waning motivation that’s bothering you, then it’s important to ask yourself if you actually enjoy these changes you’ve made. Are you having fun exercising? Do you like cooking these new meals? Are you feeling satisfied and happy on a regular basis? If so, then celebrate! You’re doing so well and have found something that improves your life specifically because you enjoy doing it. If not, then this may actually not be the best course of action for you. Look around for other active hobbies that you may enjoy better, like making the switch from rote running to basketball or rollerblading or weight lifting. Find something that lights you up and that you can look forward to.

If you’re feeling unsure about the next step here, or are starting to question the lifestyle changes you’ve made, then it’s important to have this conversation with your doctor/ Ask them about your blood pressure, cholesterol, risk factors, etc. Ask them about the actual measurements of your health. Under their guidance, that will act as your guide for adjusting your new plan and figuring out what’s best for you in the future.

#weight loss #health #fitness #body image #diet

[thatonesadending]

Power of Words - Chapters 5

Molly is overwhelmed with how much has changed, including his body. Caleb helps him feel a bit more normal.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/31056542

It could have been minutes, or hours, that Molly sobbed into Caleb’s neck. He didn't have a grip on time, let alone his current reality, so he let himself cry until his voice was hoarse, and his cheeks tight with dried tears. He wasn't sure when he had sunk to the floor, but Caleb had gone with him, holding him close, cradling Molly in his arms as he sobbed his way to exhaustion.

It wasn't that Molly was sad or unhappy really, but he was experiencing a sort of onslaught of grief of his own death. Of all the adventures he missed, the moments he didn’t get to share. Complicating it was that he knew that his friends, people he had grown to love over an impossibly short time, now had images of him hurting them that he didn’t have. Why else had they been scared of him, wary of his return?

And then there was the issue of him. This body. The coat had helped ground him, but it only lasted a short while. Every reflection in the glass that he caught, every flinch when he approached one of the Nien too fast, every time he looked at his own hands and saw the missing rings and golden caps on his fingers … It reminded him of the fact that he had been lost, and someone else had been piloting this body.

The mixture of all the upsetting feelings, with the beauty of all the ways he had been remembered - preserved - created chaos of spilling out feelings that he couldn't help but let out in embarrassing sobs. The only thing that was coxing him back was Caleb’s hand, drawing circles on his back, humming some lullaby he faintly recognized.

There had been a time before, when he had come out empty and hollow from the grave he had been left in, that the only way Yasha had been able to calm him was to sing him a song meant for the Gods. A prayer pressed to melody. Caleb was humming it now, while rubbing his back. When he was able to steady his breathing enough, Molly managed to ask him about the song.

“How do - did Yasha give you the song?” His voice was still quiet, more of a whisper, but the ever preceptive Caleb still heard him.

“Yes, she shared it with me on a particularly hard night, seeing as we both can speak celestial.”

Molly had never thought to ask what language the song had been in, so many languages and things had been forign to him at the time. It didn't surprise him that Caleb had memorized it. He wanted to thank Caleb again, but it wouldn’t have conveyed how actually grateful he was. He stayed there for a few more moments, his cheek pressed to the man's chest, horn resting on his shoulder, and his tail wrapped tightly against his waist. It was only until he felt the ache of tiredness in his own bones, and remembered who he was holding on to, that he let go.

“I am sorry, I shouldn’t have-”

“It is alright Mollymauk, I only care that you are okay.”

Caleb didn't let Molly get very far in his self-conscious retreat, clasping him at the elbows and looking him firmly in the eyes. Molly wasn’t okay, but he also wasn’t not. He was caught in between glee at being alive again, and horror that someone else had been living for him in the meantime. And then there was that unspoken dread, the one that he was constantly trying not to think of, because what if Lucien ….

“It is alright to need time. I will do everything in my power to give you all the time you need to be okay.” Caleb’s words were like an incoming tide, slowly washing away at the edges of Molly’s worries.

“I am n- it’s just that…” He struggled find the words to try to express how he was feeling everything too much right now, and he really wanted to feel just like himself. Caleb stayed silent and just waited until Molly could compose himself to try again. “It’s a lot. The whole dying, being possessed by your former self - well a sad sack of a soul that was not me- and then living again to-” Molly gestered the gorgeous window and room that surrounded them. “-and still feel, I don't know, like I am not really here. Like I haven't earned the right to it.” Molly hadn’t really understood the weight of his emotions until he spoke aloud, and then he felt his eyes threatened to spill again. But of course, Caleb came to his rescue once more.

“Ah, I think I understand. I believe I can help, if that is alright?”

How Caleb could do anything more for him was beyond imaginable. He had already brought Molly back from his unconscious prison and a chance of life, given him a not only decadent room but one that represented his life, and most of all - Caleb had offered Molly an incredibly close embrace when he needed to cry out the most. Still, he chose to follow the human when they disentangled, and he had been led to the gorgeous red vanity he had admired before.

Caleb pulled out the overstuffed stool, and motioned for him to sit. He did so, admittedly a tad cautiously, since he didn't know what Caleb wanted from him. Nervous hands pulled out the top long drawer, but Molly couldnt take his eyes away from Caleb’s face, trying to see why the man was suddenly shy. He was used to Caleb being reserved, self-deprecating, humble to a fault, that was until he came back, and he found himself with a wizard that was more self assured and hopeful.

“My memory is not perfect, close, but - um - some things can be misremember, so if you would like any changes or if I got anything wrong …”

He looked down at the drawer as Caleb spoke. It was lined in a lavender velvet that almost perfectly matched his skin. Inside was every single piece of jewelry that he was currently missing, the outlandish bits of glitter and gold that Molly had used to set himself apart. From his earrings, the chains that had been in his horns, to the cuffs he had worn around his tail.

“I am not sure which set you would like. I tried to capture each I could remember.” Caleb was being far too modest. There laid perfect versions of every variation of his jewelry from when they had met in Trostenwald to when they left Hupperdook.

“The last ones.” His voice was still rough from crying, but Caleb ignored it and started to lift the various pieces from its place. Molly had wanted to say ‘Oh the ones that I was wearing when I died.’, but he didn't. He didn't want to taint why these were his favorite. How he had eavesdropped on Jester trying to convince Yasha to tell her which one he would like more, the horn cuff with matching  jade studs, or the crescent at the end of a teardrop earring that had a chain that would connect at the top of his ear. While Yasha had tried to convince her money would be better spent elsewhere, Molly could remember Nott sneaking up and simply pocketing both sets. She later presented them to Molly in front of the other women. “That shop was horrible, nothing worth taking, but they wouldn’t leave … so here.” He knew she hadnt meant it, that she was actually offering friendship, not earrings. He took and cherished them all the same.

Caleb was gentle, fastening the earrings with care, being impossibly soft with his horns while he placed the jewelry. Molly didn't say a word, Caleb knew where every bit went. He hadn’t meant to screw his eyes shut, but it was the only way to prevent more tears, those of anxiety, from falling. It wasn't until he felt a thumb slowly pressing gentle circles at the base of his horns, that he was able to blink his eyes open again. Caleb was kneeling in front of where he sat, hands still massaging this temple.

“Would you like to look?” he asked. Molly nodded, though only after a moment. Caleb pulled out a hand mirror, as though he knew that he couldn't turn to look at himself in the large one hanging above the vanity quiet yet. He took the matching ornate mirror and looked at just his horns, then to his ears, and then to his face. His horns and ears were familiar, grounding him in the memories that he felt were just yesterday. They gave him considerable relief compared to the reflections he had caught earlier, that looked nothing like him, but that of Lucien.

It was when he got to his actual face, did he feel the weight of sorrow again. It was still him, of course, but his hair was long and the curls greasy were uncared for. His lips were wind chapped and cracking. The hallows of his cheeks were more pronounced. It was only then that Molly realized how much weight he had lost, his already slender frame now reduced to just what was necessary. It was obvious that Lucien had not cared for his body, not with good food or consideration for its frame.

Molly tried not to let the disappointment show, because the jewelry really had help, and he appreciated Caleb’s sweetness, but there was still a part of him that was missing, hollow. Try as he might, Caleb apparently had the gods on his side.

“Not enough, ja? That is alright, give me just another moment.”

Molly didn't know how this man knew what was going on in his head, especially when he had only spoken a half a dozen or so sentences since entering this magical room. All the same, Caleb rose from his knees and crossed the room where a thick silk rope hung, and pulled on it twice. He couldn't hear what the other man said, but it was brief, and then Caleb was back his side, opening drawers again.

“I will admit, I do not know your preferences, but these are the cosmetics that Jester prefered, I only altered them to what I thought you might have enjoyed.” Molly chose to ignore the past tense, especially when Caleb pulled out several different vials of hydrating oils, scented balms for blisters, and …. A beautiful array of gold tinted make-up.

“God’s, Caleb! How much did you spend on this?!” Molly couldn’t help admonish while admiring a glistening jar of lavender body oil.

“Nothing but my imagination.” Caleb supplied, as though it was the most natural answer in the world. Catching Molly’s confusion, he continued. “This is actually a demiplane, it only lasts for 24 hours, and you can not take out what you did not bring in other than what you consume.” Caleb looked apologetic, as though that wasn’t work that only Gods should be able to do. “So while you may wear anything you want while you are here, unfortunately if it is made of magic, it won't survive outside of the tower’s walls.” Molly didn’t care, it was grateful just the same for what Caleb was giving him. The wizard handed him a balm for his lips, and opened another drawer and pulled out a delicate-looking comb.

“There is a bath on the other side of the dresser, if you have the energy for that. I am sure Jester would be willing to cut your hair, if you would like. But how about I comb it out first, and you can decide if you want that later?” Caleb’s offer warmed him, so he nodded and let the man comb through the knots of his hair, while Molly took advantage of the balms and lotion. They worked in comfortable silence for several moments. Caleb was careful and calm, relaxing Molly enough that he felt is eyes fall closed again, but this time to just sit and feel the small touches of fingers on his scalp and running through his hair. It wasn’t until he felt a small tap, that he looked and saw a cat he’d never met, somehow holding a bowl of fruits and bread and a large glass of water.

“Ah yes. Thank you.” Caleb took the bowl and set it on the table next to Molly. “If you are hungry. But please, drink this.” The glass of water was pressed into his hands, and Molly readily gulped most of it down. “If you need anything, do not be afraid to ask. The cats will bring you what you need.” How that was possible, was beyond him. But he had also been bitten by a wessel that was also apparently a god, so anything could be possible then.

Molly took a few of the grapes, and let himself relax again as Caleb finished with his hair.

“I am done. Does that feel better?” Caleb asked, but he wasn't sure if he wanted to look again. He did anyways, in the larger mirror on the wall, and was pleasantly surprised. His skin was still a bit pale, but no longer ashy with lack of moisture. He did even mind the longer hair, now that Caleb had worked out the tangles, the longer curls falling past his shoulders. He wondered if Yasha would braid it around his horns. His lips even looked more like his, smoothed and shining from the balm. He pressed his fingers to them and hummed a please affirmative to Caleb.

“Good, would you like me to call fetch Yasha for you?”

Yes. He missed her terribly, it felt like it was just yesterday that he had been terrified about how she was because she had been taken from him by slavers. But he still wasn’t quite ready to confront that.

“In a bit, stay with me?” Molly couldn’t read Caleb’s expression, it was a mixture of surprise and warmth. He didn’t say anything, but followed him to sit on the edge of the ridiculous bed. Caleb seemed to be looking to Molly for clues of what to do, so Molly sat close and rested his cheek on the wizard's shoulder. When he didn't flinch, or stiffen like Molly would have expected, he took it as a sign that this was ok. His tail wrapped lazily around Caleb’s ankle, and he drew little patterns on Molly’s knee. They stayed like that for only gods know how long, in comfortable silence, letting the tiefling clear out his mind from all the clutter and noise the day brought. He was beginning to feel like he could maybe, possibly, start process the day’s emotions.

#critical role #mollymauk #mollymauk tealeaf #widomauk #caleb widogast #cr2 #Molly lives