#because i was too young for my parents to feel comfortable buying me my own

[pale-cheezit]

I love not wearing foundation anymore. Its been a few years now and i cant even believe i ever wore it in the first place. I was never even close to "needing" foundation. Im 25! I dont need that! what was i thinking

#the best is when i first started wearing foundation in middle school and i would use my moms makeup #because i was too young for my parents to feel comfortable buying me my own #and her skin color is way darker than mine so i would walk around with the totally wrong shade of foundation on lmfao #how embarrassing im glad i dont have any pictures of that #i still have no idea how to apply makeup at all but it was even worse back then #i must have looked insane lmao #i kind of wish my mom would have stepped in and pointed it out or helped me apply makeup better and find the right shades for me #but she was letting me explore and do my thing as long as i wasn't going too crazy with it #she remembered what it was like to be a 13 year old girl and i think she was just letting me find my own way with that studf #but yeah maybe she couldve helped me out a little better #to be fair though we werent very close back then and going thru some rough times so i would've been crabby and rude about it anyways #teenage angst and all that

[jhugas]

‘I OWE HER MY LIFE’- Jeon Jungkook

Masterlist

✿✼:*ﾟ:༅｡.｡༅:*･ﾟﾟ･⭑

Genre: angst, fluff

Pairing: comforting, idol!Jungkook X sad, 8th member!F!Reader

Summary: You love Bts and Army, but you don’t think you’re made for this lifestyle. So you’ve been considering leaving the group. But how will Jungkook, the one that loves you the most, react?

Warnings/tags: mention of sasaengs, and death threats (only mentions, no details), reader feels depressed, Jungkook is extremely attached, Jungkook comforts you, sad Jungkook, crying, hugs and a lovely Jungkook.

Word count: ~1,2k

✿✼:*ﾟ:༅｡.｡༅:*･ﾟﾟ･⭑

It’s been a long time you’ve been in BTS, the biggest band in the world… maybe around 5 years? You’ve had tours, fan meetings, collaborations, invitations… but also had death threats, sasaengs, people ringing at your door, and harassing you in the streets.

You’re a strong woman. Very strong. But you had limits, and limits got crossed over. This wasn’t the life you wanted; you just wanted some money to help your family. But now, you have the money without your family. You had to leave them from a young age, and with so much work and pressure, your relations with them got damaged. You believe that they won’t come back no matter what. But then, what was all of that for? Working so hard day and night since you’re 13, for nothing but money and fame.

Realizing how much better your life would’ve been without fame… tears form in your eyes. You love Bts, and you love Army, but maybe you weren’t made for this.

‘They‘ll understand. They love me too’

you reassured yourself, scared of expressing the decision you’re considering more and more; leaving Bts. Leaving the cameras, fame, and infinite money for an easier life. You try to imagine how Bts will react…

Namjoon, the one that you grew up with, that made you who you are today, comforted you every needed time and that considered you as his own sister.

Jin, that considered you as his very own daughter, bringing you to school and cooking for you.

Yoongi and Hoseok, bringing you to your bed when you fell asleep on the couch and went to the school reunions for parents.

Taehyung and Jimin being your closest friends you ever had, your big brothers, teasing you and bickering each other all the time. But always being there for each other.

And Jungkook that… loved you deeply. Very deeply. More than anyone else.

He always gave you lovely gifts, like portraits, drawings and paintings of you, and even tried sculpting you. Once, he gave you an album full of pictures he took himself of you, to prove you you were beautiful at your most insecure time. He gave you letters all the time, and was the type to write “Jungkook, you’re not so secret admirer :) ” as a signature. And always gave you the best Netflix and chill nights. Buying popcorns, letting you chose the movie, buying channels just for you, making his bedroom cozy with cute lights and more.

You were hung up on his walls. Said you were his love, passion and happiness as a person. And said he’d be your guardian angel the day he leaves.

“I’m not scared of dying because I know we’ll never really be too far from each other. In our next life, we’ll meet again, and love each other like we always did.” he said…

Tears roll down your cheek. How are you going to tell him? Will he get mad? Sad? Tons of questions go through your head as you blow your nose and throw the tissue. Will he hate you? Understand you? Does he feel the same thing? You blow your nose once again and throw the tissue. Suddenly, the door opens.

‘Y/n!! Why are you crying?!’

Jungkook comes in running and gets in front of you making sure to close the door behind him. He looks at you with worried eyes as you wipe away your tears, acting like nothing happened.

‘Y/n Im not joking! Please baby, tell me what’s wrong. You can talk to me you know it.’

He whispers the last part, taking care to not frighten you and to make you feel safe, protected. As you look at him in the eyes, you sitting on the edge of the bed and him crouching down to talk to you, he cups your face in his big hands, gets closer and kisses your forehead.

‘Jungkook… I… I’m not sure what to feel about being in Bts anymore… I’m scared, and lost… It’s not like I really want to leave but it feels like it’s the only way out…’

You look down, scared of how he’ll react. He’ll think you’re a traitor, you think…

There’s a silence. A long one. You wouldn’t be able to tell how long it was nor if it was uncomfortable or not. But it felt like hours. You hear him taking a deep breath in before saying in a weak voice:

‘Y/n… you can’t be real. You’re not thinking about leaving Bts right? You’re joking?’

He asks, sounding like he was about to cry. You slowly nod, making him understand that yes, you were indeed, considering it.

‘What’s wrong? What made you think about this? Y/n Im ready to do anything for you. Anything! Tell me what do you need I’ll do it! I’ll give it to you!’

He sounds desperate. You finally look back at him, tears still rolling down your cheeks but he gently wipes them away with his thumb. He gets on the bed and hugs you tight. His chest moving irregularly, strongly. And his arms holding you extremely close to him.

‘Im just… I’m tired! I’m tired of everything. I’ve tried having breaks, I really did! But nothing have worked…I’m exhausted Jungkook…I really am… and I’m sorry…’

You say. Your nose gets even redder. You almost can’t see due to the amount of tears your shining eyes are holding.

‘Put the blame on me. Put all of your worries in me. Give me all of your stress, fears, pressure. I’ll take it. I gladly will.’

He gets back.

‘Give me all of your pain. I know you’re suffering so put it all on me. Please.’

He yells in a whisper. He doesn’t want to scare you and he meant everything he said. He’s ready to do anything for you, even if it meant dying, or getting tortured till the end of his days.

You saved him and always comforted him when he wasn’t feeling good. So that’s what he told himself: ‘I owe her my life’. From the moment he realized how important you are to him, he knew he’d dedicate his whole life to you. There wasn’t any point in doing anything without you. And in fact, you were his whole life. He always did the most for you. He hugs you again…

‘It’ll be all right… I’m here… I’m right here.’

He whispers onto your neck, slightly laying a few kisses on it. You hold tight onto his hair and let your body rest in his strong arms. Tired from crying so much, you fell asleep. He laid you down on the bed, changed your clothes for pajamas, and stayed beside you. He spent the whole night cuddling you and whispering good things in your ear such as ‘you’re strong’, ‘you can do it’, or ‘I’m right here’.

He let you sleep as much as you needed and instead of not leaving until you wake up, he decided to make your favorite breakfast then decorated and cleaned the whole apartment.

He was right. It’ll be all right, he’s here…

Masterlist

Thank you for reading! If you liked it please like or reblog ^^

@dolliecat @icyllic ^^

#army #bts #fanfic #scenarios #jungkook #jungkook x reader #jungkook x y/n #jungkook scenarios #jungkook x you #jungkook imagine #jungkook one shot #jungkook angst #angst #fluff #Jungkook fluff #comfort #Jungkook comfort #bts comfort

[tpwkwriter]

u r my fave writter everrrr! And I wanted to recommend H helping the reader with anxiety, depression, an eating disorder and like a traumatic childhood. THANK YOUUUUU

My comfort.

First of all thank you so, so much Not only for your request but lovely words! 🥰

And wowser A traumatised y/n! 🫢but luckily H is there hey!

*Warnings* mentions of depression, anxiety, trauma,drug use!, body dysmorphia, struggles with eating and various mental health issues! My dms are open always! 🤎

Love your beautiful selfs! 🫶🏼

— — — — —

Ever since a young age y/n had been through various battles.

Her childhood was far from mundane, when she was about 9 her parents took to several different substances and would happily leave y/n and her sister alone for many hours through the day.

When the girl hit her early teens she was aware of what was going on and that realisation hit her like a ton of bricks, knowing her parents would rather be out doing his knows what, with god knows who then actually looking after her and her sister

When it was time for secondary school, y/n would still admit that this was the worst time for her. 7 hours of constant work to come home and play mother. The constant comparisons to her and her classmates drove her mad, the reminder of exams and work it was all a bit much.

When she hit 17 she went to college and took part in a weekend job to earn some money on the side. Of course her parents eyes lit up once they heard money was being made.

On y/n’s sisters 12th birthday y/n was finally able to buy her gifts and treat the young girl. However this didn’t go down with the rest of the family, y/n recalls this memory very clearly even though she’s been trying to repress it for years.

The argument they had that evening was booming, her father threw anything he could get his hands on, her mother threw every insult and shaming word there was, all of this because she wouldn’t lend them money?

The night quickly escalated when an empty vase was threw at y/n leaving a cut on her wrist that scarred and she still sees to this day.

From that night y/n picked up longer shifts, and more hours just for a bit more money and financial stability.

By her 18th birthday she could afford her first car, wasn’t anything grand but the freedom it allowed her was amazing, she finally felt proud of how she’s done this all herself, she finally felt pride in herself and not self hatred.

Fast forward to age 25 and her life was something she wasn’t expecting.

She was with one of the most recognisable faces, who was able to show her parts of the world she never thought she could, he gave her the biggest comfort and safe feeling that she ever so lacked.

Her sister was currently 21 living with her own boyfriend and was equally as happy, and both of them was as close as ever.

Y/n loved Harry with everything in her, and wanted no chance or risk that he would walk out on her. Y/n adamantly worked on her figure everyday, she started off her morning in the gym, went for a run at-least once a week, this was good n all but she slowly started slipping meals and going past them.

It was currently nearing 6pm and H had just come back from the studio and long day.

“Alright love?” He asks putting a hand on her waist and kissing her cheek as she was finalising dinner.

“Oh my god H” she giggled

“Y’made me jump! Didn’t hear y’come in” she smiled

“Was m’plan” he smirked kissing her again.

“How was y’day” he ask, reaching the top cupboard for too glasses knowing she wouldn’t be able to reach them.

“Was okay, got Tomorrow off so no excuse to get rid of me” she smiled.

“You?” She asked

“S’okay busy, happy to have our day tomorrow”

Dinner was finalised, and the both sat at the table speaking through there day to each other.

“Y’been to the gym today?” He asked

“Yeah” she answered.

“Did 2 hours in there today!!” She said proudly.

“M’proud of you darling, make sure we’re not overworking ourselves right?” He asks slipping her a look that was all too familiar.

“M’not, I just wanna stay, like this I guess?” She smiles.

“What do you mean baby? Y’gorgeous” he states.

“Have you eaten today?” He asks stopping in his tracks to watch her.

“Um” she wonders.

“I mean, m’eating right now, but I just wasn’t hungry really” she claims, taking another spoonful of her food to her mouth.

“Y/nnnnn” he playfully drags

“I promise I’ll eat more tomorrow, just, wasn’t hungry today!” She smiles.

“Y’did 2 hours in the gym and didn’t eat anything after?” He asks tone getting deeper and eyebrows raising.

“I really I didn’t mean to, I was running errands after and I forgot” she says standing up from her seat collecting the plates from them both.

H joins her in kitchen and helps her tidy up.

“Thanks H” she said.

“N’worries, thanks for dinner love” he says kissing her temple swiftly.

“Gonna get dressed, and then we can watch one of your bloody documentaries?” He smiles

“Y’know it H” she blushes.

They reluctantly parted, y/n found herself bundled up on the couch with a fluffy blanket awaiting her loves return, she found herself scrolling mindlessly on instagram.

When your current boyfriend has exes in the like of Kendall Jenner, cara delavine and Camille Rowe it’s often hard not to feel worse compared to them, curiosity took y/n over and she clicked on Camille’s instagram page, she was greeted with selfies, pictures of events she’s been too, her with her friends and various other things, her beautiful eyes, her shiny long hair, her model figure, she was straight out of a magazine.

Suddenly all of y/n’s work felt pointless, no matter what she would always be compared to these fashionable girls, that familiarity hits her once again.

She set her phone down and focused on the Tv in-Front of her and fell deeper into her fluffy blanket she was cuddling.

Without a word of exchange H joins her back on the sofa, sits next to the girl and guides her legs to his lap, allowing his fingers to gently trace over her shins and ankles.

“I love you” she says eyes remaining glued to the screen.

His movements stop and he turns his head to her.

“I love you too”

The night was slowly closing and the couple slowly started there evening routine.

Y/n was in there shared bathroom going through with her skincare before bed, a million thoughts popped up at once, she didn’t know if It was her anxiety or just her clear overthinking tendencies

Y/n glanced in the mirror, all she saw was all imperfections, she couldn’t even compare to Taylor swift or Kendall Jenner in anyway shape or form.

“Baby Y’alright?” Harry asked from the other side of the door.

She quickly tapped her phone to see the time just to realise she’s spent nearly an hour locked in the bathroom.

“Yeah baby m’now Coming out” she said shaking the train of though out of her head.

Silent tears roll down her face.

Him. He was so amazing in everything he did. His voice was safe. His words were so comforting. The thought of him not being around her terrified the shit out of her.

— — — — —

Part 2 coming soon!

Hopefully you all like this! There will be a part 2 as I don’t want this to be a really long fic, because I have many ideas what I want done with this!!! 🤎

#harry styles #harry styles fanfiction #my fic writing #harry styles au #harry styles blurb #harry styles x y/n #fluff #angst #anxious!y/n x harrystyles #writers on tumblr #harry styles writers #Harry styles fanfic #harrystyles x femreader #imagines #thank you anon #anon answered #thanks for the request!❤️ #one direction #fine line harry styles #harry styles fluff #boyfriend material #1d #soft #boyfriendrry

[thecuriousquest]

Hi can I please ask for a yandere izuka midoriya and hitoshi shinso

Where they have a quiet darling

That wears Jirai Kai fashion because of their abandonment issues and because it's cute

It kind of makes me think of it as a coping mechanism

Izuku and Hitoshi Clothing Headcanons

Yandere Izuku x Reader

Yandere Hitoshi x Reader

Warnings: Kidnapping, nudity, abandonment issues

Checkout my Master List here.

————————————————————————

Setting the scene:

Your abandonment issues, whether they stem from being forgotten by your parents at a store when you were young or being neglected throughout your childhood, are still alive and well. You use fashion as a sense of comfort. The clothes bringing you peace. The colors bringing you emotional security.

It all changes when you’re kidnapped, however. Forced to wear nearly nothing. After being good for a while, you ask your captor for your favorite type of clothing: Jirai Kai.

Izuku Midoriya:

Izuku would absolutely indulge in your coping mechanism. He would go out and buy you outfits, bringing them home to you. You look so cute in them as you twirl in front of the mirror. His heart bursts with joy at how beautiful you are.

However, he is a little disturbed that you want comfort from clothes over him. If it makes you really happy, however, he’ll do whatever it takes.

When your new clothes touch your skin, you’re instantly in a better place. The cute skirt and long sleeves just feel like home to you. You give Izuku the biggest hug with a smile on your face.

“Thank you so much. This means the world to me,” you tell him with gratitude prominent in your voice.

He thinks you’re starting to turn around now, and he expects more from you. He expects you to be okay with him hugging you whenever he wants, pulling you into his arms when you’re going to sleep, giving and receiving kisses any time.

If you don’t, he won’t tear up your clothes, he’ll just take them away as a punishment. He doesn’t like getting physical with you, only saving that for escaping or pestering him about leaving. He’ll help you out of your clothes, fold them up neatly, put them in a box, and give you one of his shirts to walk around in. If that doesn’t improve your behavior, he’s taking the shirt and making it cold as hell in the house.

Once you’re good again, he’s returning the temperature to normal and giving you your clothes back, and you know what he expects.

“Thank you for giving me my clothes back, Daddy,” you say as you sniffle, giving him a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

Hitoshi Shinso:

Hitoshi isn’t as emotionally inclined as Izuku. He would feign nonchalance, but in reality, he thinks you’re the most adorable thing in the world! Of course he would give a fuck, you’re his darling. Anything that matters to you matters to him, so he’ll buy you a few outfits if it makes you happy.

You don’t have a full length mirror, only the mirror on the wall in the bathroom. You have to jump up or stand on your toes in order to see your entire ensemble. It doesn’t matter to you though. You look good, so you feel good. The clothes make you so excited that you twirl and spin for Hitoshi. He cocks an eyebrow at how cute you’re acting, obviously amused.

“I just love it so much! You knew exactly what to get. Thank you!” You jump up and hug him like a puppy.

He holds you closely and strokes your H/C hair while telling you, “It’s no problem at all.” What he really wants to say is “anything for you, Darling”.

If you’re bad, oh no. Please, just, don’t be bad. He’ll use his quirk on you and force you to cut up your own clothes. When you finally come to and you see the scissors in your hand and shredded fabric on the floor, you start sobbing instantly. He looks at you without an ounce of pity, only crossing his arms and saying, “If you had just obeyed, then I wouldn’t have had to do this. You only have yourself to blame. Now, clean this shit up.” He’ll take the scissors from you too, just so that you can’t use them against him.

When you’ve finally redeemed yourself, he’ll buy you more of your comfort clothes. He’ll even let you pick some of them out online. Hitoshi will wrap an arm around you, holding you close while you point out which ones you like.

“Now, what have we learned?” He asks condescendingly.

“…Not to be bad. Thank you for letting me get more, Sir.” Your tone is more subdued this time, but you still feel a sense of felicity knowing that you’ll have your clothes very soon.

#my hero acedamia #boku no hero academia #yandere #izuku midoriya #yandere izuku midoriya #yandere izuku #yandere izuku x reader #bnha izuku #mha izuku #mha izuku midoriya #mha yandere #bnha yandere #hitoshi shinso #yandere hitoshi shinso #bnha Hitoshi #mha hitoshi #MHA hitoshi shinso #triggering content

[pinkandpurple360]

Sorry if It's a random question, but do you have any Stella and Octavia related headcanons? The show barely talks about their mother and daughter relationship (because then it would actually be focused on members of Stolas' family that isn't him), but i'd like to hear about them if you have any

So many! For me, a huge part of my enjoyment of Via is the headcanon that she’s autistic like me. And I sometimes consider the idea of her being lesbian just because there are no lesbian characters and it wouldn’t be an oversexualised representation if it’s Octavia. But alas, she has never interacted with any characters who aren’t adults.

I’ve always had the headcanon that when Via is having a nightmare, or scared of monsters under her bed or the like, when Stolas takes his turn to help her he gently consoles her and assures her that he will keep her safe. And he loves showing her magic because it puts stars in her eyes. She goes to bed relaxed, calm, and smiling.

Stella doesn’t have that same approach. Or abilities.

When Stella takes her turn to comfort Via, she peeks under the bed and yells at the ‘monsters’ that they messed with the wrong princess, and her mom will tear them a new one with her bare hands, how dare they take residence under her bed without paying at least a million souls in rent per month!! This gets Via giggling and laughing at her mom, while also feeling safe. Nobody would mess with her when she has a nice dad like Stolas and a tough mom like Stella. I just like the idea of Stella using her anger to make someone feel safe instead of scared for once. And to have a scene mirroring Stolas’ comforting Via, because these are two flawed people who deserve humanisation. I’d really love just one scene of the three of them getting along and having one or two nice memories, even the most abusive families can have one nice memory—that causes them to cling to a broken situation, and it makes the falling out of their family an actually tragic story.

Of course she’s petty enough that her yelling “accidentally” still wakes up stolas because how dare he not get up first! a lady needs her beauty rest! He’d always get lectures from her about how to be chivalrous to a lady, while she herself is saying all of this with her mouth full of messy bonbons.

I also like the idea that Stella pays enough attention to Via to know what she likes to wear, even though her own hyper feminine glamorous look is so deeply different to Octavias low key skater girl gothic look. She buys her punk goth clothes that are actually ridiculously expensive designer label—to which Via says “mom that goes against the very concept of punk!!” To which the imp staff giggle and say ‘ok rich girl’ making Via blush in embarrassment. Via is the type to act like she’s poor, to fit in, and she relates to the angst of punk music made by the working class—but then she pulls out her top of the range 1,000 dollar mobile phone.

It’s no secret that I headcanon Octavia as autistic, mostly cause I’m autistic and see every young girl character labelled with ‘attitude problems’ as autistic. Stella, surprisingly enough, was the one who helped Via get an official diagnosis and therapy items to help cope with meltdowns, stimming, and prevent overstimulation.

She’s mad at Stolas for always taking her to places that are his special interest, but always end up overstimulating Via—like LooLoo Land and the time she ended up in Los Angeles (which of course, Octavia told her mother all about) Via tells her mom everything. I love Fizz/fizzbot but let’s be honest, he is overstimulation itself. Stolas is probably in denial about her being autistic cause he doesn’t really understand what it means and think they just need to negotiate or talk it out. Sometimes he just doesn’t pay attention. While Stella pays too much attention.

An adorable fan animatic by Cinnamon, basically Octavia info dumping to her parents about cartoons and anvils while they try to keep up with her. I headcanon that she’s been nonverbal for a few days leading up to this so now she physically can’t stop talking. Plus it has the adorable butler in it, and it shows the headcanoned relationship I had of Via being the one person in the palace who is nice to him and actually talks to him.

#helluva boss #helluva boss stolas #helluva boss Octavia #helluva boss Stella #autism headcanon

[silverflqmes]

haithellie

- who fell first and how?

- what book sealed the deal on your relationship?

- did you guys join a book club together, if so — what was the book that caught both of your guys’ eye?

- what do the boys think about your guys’ relationship? (kaveh, cyno, & tighnari)

tartellie

- how did you guys meet and how long did it take for a single date?

- which of you said i love you first and how?

- e2l, which one admits they’re in love first and why?

yuellie

- he misses the high cloud quintet, how do you comfort him?

- you both fight phantylia together, who falls down first?

- bonus: who went for the body? i think i can answer this one

sephellie

- how to make a day of fun so sephiroth can be human again

- how would you style his hair for fun

- how to get him to stop being cloudobsessed and you-obsessed instead!!!

at long last i answered your ask bc monkey brain has just been SEPHIROTH SEPHIROTH SEPHIROTH as of late.. ahem. now without further delay, time to get the cogs winding

𓍼 haithellie.

— if i’m going with my e2l idea, he fell first because i was in hella denial.. but i fell harder. i haven’t really come up with much but i’m thinking we would both be in places in our lives where we’re dealing with loneliness?? for me i would have left home to study so i’d kinda be adjusting, while alhaitham has kinda been on his own, having lost his parents from young, and later his grandmother that took care of him after that. so i think we would have found mutual comfort in each other and he would have caught some feelings just from little details. stupid habits i have, shared interests, the bantering since we would have both been in the same darshan..

— i totally missed this question until i went back to read for the next ship but UHHH the wicked king cuz it’s my fav and i’ll never be normal about it

— we joined a book club not knowing that the other would be in there too LMAO it was just supposed to be a pastime kinda thing and it was just coincidence that we both ended up in it together.. but let me think, me being me i like my romantasy books so i dunno it alhaitham would also be into those.. but i could see him reading the folk of air — totally not bc it’s my favorite series, totally not bc we act like jude and cardan, totally not because — yeah, you got me..

— alhaitham wants them nowhere near me ( minus tighnari ) because they would enable me and they would tease him sm.. but i think we would be super chill together, i could see us playing uno or monopoly and just- disaster happening BAH but anyway i think they would be happy about alhaitham finding someone after his losses, and even it kaveh might be petty.. he’s happy for him<3

𓍼 tartellie.

— omg akira-san, i mean uh, tartaglia, yeah.. ahem. let me think.. we would have met at a flower shop, he was buying flowers to bring home to his family since he was likely away from home for a good while. he was just scanning all the different types, not sure which to pick, to which he would approach me, thinking me to be the store clerk ( i was not ). confused, i would break to him that i do not work there.. to which he would get embarrassed LMAO but since we were talking, he would ask on my opinion anyway, to which i’d try my best to offer a few options to my basic knowledge of flower language. i think he would show interest in the way i talk and explain, the hand gestures and expressions i make, but he’d ignore it.. until we stumbled once more upon each other, where he would chat with me.. and then proposes the idea of getting lunch. totally not a date, just lunch..

— he did and probably said so without even saying those three words tbh?? i don’t know how he would say it, but uh maybe smtn like.. “it’s strange.. home, until now was always being with my family back in snezhnaya.. but somehow, you seemed to have brought that feeling to me here and have blossomed it into something a little more than family, something special and precious to me.”

— now for this.. me LMAO if it was e2l it would end up as an unspoken confession i feel?? maybe if he was seriously injured or um, overdid things again because he used foul legacy or his delusion in a fight.. to which i would yell at him in a way that sounded like i really cared for him, and tartaglia would end up saying something along the lines of me sounding like i loved him or something.. to which i would go silent and he would piece it all together. unspoken confession!!

𓍼 yuellie.

— understandable as to why he would miss them, especially cuz he’s the last one remaining and with his memories in tact. it’s kinda heartbreaking honestly, but i understand the kinda fall of a friend group in a way, granted i still talk with mine but very minimally these days. regardless, i would do my best to comfort him, maybe take him out or encourage him to come be around others as well outside of his duties, just to feel yk welcomed as a dude and not just as a general. i think he’d like something like that cuz company helps when you miss those that you were once close with.

— AKWJSJDJSKSJ i fall down first and i make sure to KNEEL ( i did it on purpose ) yuan is probably like ellie???? and i’m like ain’t no way you said you’re going for the body — I’M GOING FOR THE BODY, YOU SIT YOUR ASS BACK THERE. atp he’s like, am i about to have my girl stolen by horrifyingly attractive woman that wants to kill us and is not just twice but several times her size?? he’s just watching in complete shock but like part of him understands.. i mean.. come on.

— I WENT FOR THE BODY AGAIN AND AGAIN ahem, your assumptions are likely correct.

𓍼 sephiellie.

— screams in sephiroth. okay um. let me actually get into this. sooo a day to make sephi have fun and feel more human.. well! after buying flowers from a certain peddler, i would whip out my super slay cool flip phone and urge him to come over after work because i had a surprise for him. said surprise is flowers to braid into his hair and a flower for him to keep at home cuz sephiroth having a green thumb sounds so adorable. for the rest, it would be just a cute self care day to remind him of his humanity in spite of whatever modifications and experiments were done on him ( FUCK YOU HOJO YOU UGLY ASS PIECE OF SHIT, THERE’S A REASON I’M NOT IN FFVII AND THAT’S BC YOUR ASS WOULD BE THROUGH, WHICH MEANS THE STORY DOESN’T END UP HAPPENING SO NO GAME )

— the braid with the flowers in it! high ponytail for sure HE IS SO PRETTY<3 maybe a bun as well after i told him that mine absolutely sucked and that my mom refused to let me out of the house without her doing my hair.. so he would ask to see how bad said bun is — so it ends up messy because i didn’t wanna make it too tight.. his hair is also super long.. but he liked it, probably wondered why i couldn’t leave the house when it looked so nice on him ( sobbing he’s so so sweet ), furthermore i would try the princess leia space buns and perhaps twin tails<3 he also would do my hair and try out different styles too, he’s so gentle<3

— I DON’T KNOW I GUESS I NEED SOME MAKO BATHS AND HIS CELLS SO HE CAN INVADE MY THOUGHTS INSTEAD😐 but like.. sefikura.. IM TORN

okay i believe that was all of them.. this took way longer than i’d expected😭

#sky chan🙁💞 #— ; 🏹 ) sephiellie. #— ; 🏹 ) haithellie. #— ; 🏹 ) tartellie. #— ; 🏹 ) yuellie.

[sparrow-in-boots]

okay so, I'm going to get to Lucy Stillman and the franchise's treatment of her, but i think I need to explain my own feelings about the portrayal of the modern brotherhood first. I do not buy the "brotherhood = conspiracy theory cult" angle. It's flawed and leads to terrible takes overall, by the lore and by the fandom.

It's a holdover from the fact that the game decides to run with conspiracy theories that we have in the real world, and assign them all to the Isu. they even poke fun of it in the earlier games with the whole lizard people and space wizards in tinfoil hats comments. now that's a whole can of worms in itself given how deeply racist and antisemitic the overwhelming majority of conspriacy theories are, but it's not a good way to portray the assassin brotherhood because that's not what they are. they are far leftists. they are anarchist cells, they are commune organizers, they are revolutionaries. that's not me saying it either, that's just canon, plain and simple.

but that would make the story too close to real-life politics and they can't do that cus it's not in their interests.

therefore, the brotherhood is coded as isolationist cultists, or at least as far as The Farm goes. in current year, i think we can all agree there's an inherent fallacy (if not outright disengenuous portrayal) of painting your leftist organization fighting against the capitalist neocolonial hegemony with the same strokes as the whacky people starting communes in the middle of nowhere to escape 5G towers, fluoride water and the [insert villanized minority group here].

i don't buy it, i don't appreciate it, and i think we could have had a stronger story without it, even regarding Desmond's backstory.

THAT SAID, let's take a look at Lucy. her's is the story of a girl who was forced into adulthood too early after being left to her own devices by a very sheltered and isolating community that failed her, and then inducted into a cult which ultimately killed her and then was promptly swept under the narrative. that cult is the templar order by the by.

Lucy was born and raised within the Brotherhood, and pretty much set lose on the world with no connectiosn to speak of. surely they must have given her a paper trail, fake parents and school enrollments, medical records, the works. she was told to infiltrate Abstergo and probably given a general path towards that, namely research that could be useful to them, but otherwise? she was on her own.

first thing that comes to mind is when Amish folks get their time away from their hometown to experience the world and choose to come back or not. i can't comment on their experience and general view on this so i won't attempt to draw a parallel here, but just that initial mental connection speaks for itself imo.

She speaks of having to wait tables to make ends meet, and while that's the socially expected experience of solo living for a young adult leaving home (work minimun wage jobs, go to college, climb the chain, start small, etc), she has no home to return to. In fact there's this looming tension that even opening up to missing her home or going into detail about it could blow her cover. Even in the privacy of being around friends and colleagues, there's this necessity of keeping up a front. She has to buy it so deeply it becomes her, inside and out, and doing that at such a formative age is bound to take it's toll.

You're removed from everything and everyone you've ever known. You don't know when or if you'll ever see them again. In fact they can die at any moment and you might never hear about it. Contact with them is a fraught and dangerous thing, and even the slightest slip could spell your doom and theirs. Connection is a constant swinging sword of Damocles over her, and who can take comfort and solace from community like that? No one, is who. So of course she'd seek that away from where she could endanger everyone.

So in comes Vidic. She knows he's a templar, of course she does, but he's kind and understanding, a bit frustrating and headstrong, but she can usually talk him into chilling out here and there. And of course, one can draw a parallel between him and Bill. Both are strict and charismatic (in their own way) father and mentor figures, but while Bill is cold and hard, Vidic feigns affection (as Haytham so eloquently put) and the worst part is, it works. Any affection and attention is good attention for the starved, and Lucy's been on the end of her ropes since she's been outside of the Brotherhood.

She knows and can see it's all manipulation, she's not that blind of course, but it chips away at her. That's what emotional manipulation does after all. And then, in come the agents to kill her, and Vidic stops them.

All her life she's heard how brutal and merciless the templars are, and surely she's seen it too while working under them, but right when her facade slips and she should be dead, she's not. Because Vidic spares her. Of course that leaves a deep impression on her, and further erodes her resolve. Slowly but surely, she opens up, and Vidic is an expert at what he does. She may hold quite a bit of guilt and shame at turning, but the templars were there when the brotherhood wasn't.

Bill says that of those they send to infiltrate the templars, they are either "too strong" and can't keep up the charade, or are "too weak" and turn. How is being a human being who needs connection and community "too weak"? How is being slowly lovebombed and manipulated into choosing the wire mother and then being foresaken the plush one when in need weakness?

Desmond says that she "seemed so sincere, like she really wanted to make a difference", and I truly believe she did. Her morals and belief were twisted through years of emotional torture and isolation, and she knew she couldn't return to the brotherhood after how far she caved under the pressure. There's no space for the nuances and endless gray areas of such an unbalanced war in the current brotherhood, and she knows it, so throwing in with the templars for her was the lesser evil. She's not fool enough to buy their propaganda wholesale, but it's a necessary concession in her mind so she can excuse her taking advantage of their attention and community. Again, as long as she's useful to them, she has a place among them.

However, the way she's treated by the narrative is... w o w. We never get the chance to hear it from her side, expect by a pathetically short email on the ACR dlc. While having the protagonists agonize over someone's beliefs after their passing and finding no solid answers, they really don't spend nearly enough time for that to carry much weight narratively. In fact, there's hardly much of a critique on the conditions that led her to that kind of fall from grace, and even less is done to fix it.

She, much like Clay, are the epitomes of how the brotherhood is mirroring too much the templar's and Juno's disregard for human life, and how that needs to change in order for them to turn the tides. But nothing comes of it, because our anchor to the modern timeline gets doomed by the narrative and now all those loose plot holes go nowhere. Her funeral, her burial, her memory, it all gets waved about like an annoying gnat on the dinner table, and nobody does anything but try their best to ignore it until it goes away. Her actress couldn't keep with their schedule, so they got rid of her in the most pathetic horrifyingly dismissive way possible.

Personally I'm not a fan of the templar turncoat plotline they gave her, but if that's what they wanted to go with, then it needed much MUCH more careful writing and it needed to fucking GO SOMEWHERE. But it doesn't. And it sucks.

#assassin's creed #lucy stillman #pardal rambles #ac meta

[writer-of-various]

Gang AU – Alejandro x Rudy, Rudy x others

Rudy looked out the small window in his room, feeling bitter as he watched people, free people, walk along the sidewalk and laugh and talk. He never had the chance to be a kid or a teenager, and now he's turning 21 and has never experienced life outside the bars. He's a prize, a trophy, all because his father couldn't stop buying drugs when he didn't have the money. He tries his hardest to hide his resentment towards those around him, especially the Garza's. While they did technically buy him off from his father, Mr. Garza was a kind man to him. He treated him like one of his own, and he only had a daughter. Rudy's siblings and mother are dead, so he only has the Garza's.

"Rudy, you up?" Speaking of Garza. Rudy moves away from the window and opens his door, smiling at the sight of Valeria. She's a strong, independent woman that was rebellious at a young age. She defied her father and mother, but they still loved her and only hope that whatever she does, she remains safe and happy. There were some times where Mr. Garza had to put his foot down and the whole house shook with their screams, but they pushed it behind them the next morning and acted like nothing happened. Valeria is brutal to others, she's mean and intimidating but when Rudy first arrived at her home, she made sure to soften up a bit for him. It was obvious he was abused, he had bruises painting his pale skin and he flinched and apologized at every loud noise. She treated him like he was her baby brother, and after so many years being together in the same household, he did become her baby brother.

"Good morning, Val." He greets, following her down the hallway. "What are your plans today?"

Valeria groans, her fists clenching at her sides. "Dad wants to try making an alliance with 141, so he wants me to go introduce myself and all that formal crap. They know who I am, all the dogs here know not to bark at me."

Rudy raises a brow, sensing something deeper. "Is that all? Or do you know them more than you're letting on?" Valeria sighs, stopping abruptly and looking down at him with a small smile.

"This is why dad offers you jobs, you know people too good. And yes, I know them. Ghost is a fucking asshole, he's the co-leader of the gang. There's some rumors that John Price is considering stepping down, and if he does, Ghost takes his place." They start walking again, Valeria holding the doors open for him and he playfully rolls his eyes.

"Then there's the Shadows. Phillip Graves keeps pestering dad about an alliance, but under direct negotiation that father is declining. But the Gringo is stubborn."

"What's the negotiation?" Rudy asks, and Valeria seems to twitch, her eyes darkening and her lips turning down into a frown. "Valeria." He presses, and the slightly older woman growls.

"You. Graves wants you, he has been since finding out you are one of ours. He's a pervert, you were barely 13 and he was almost 20. And stop looking like that, you aren't going to hand yourself over if shit goes sideways." Valeria growls and Rudy shrinks back, bowing his head submissively and Valeria sighs. She pulls him into a tight embrace, and he relaxes under her rare, comforting touch.

"I'm sorry, Val. I just want to protect you and your parents. You guys have done everything to protect me and I just feel like...I don't know. I used to be someone, all the boys and girls in my run down neighborhood used to stop by and I cooked and cleaned and patched them up. I was useful." Rudy trails off and Valeria sighs again before smiling at him.

"Well, when dad steps down and I become the leader, I want you by my side. Like how mom is with dad. Damn, the more I talk about this crap the more I realize we probably belong in London." Rudy laughs at that, shaking his head.

"Trust me, the Royal Family is far more normal then we are."

"I'll drink to that!"

——

When they arrive at 141's house, they are surprised to see a party being thrown and Los Vaqueros were there. Valeria seems to realize something and she growls, storming over and Rudy quickly follows her, concerned about her change of attitude.

"Vargas!" She screams, and everyone goes quiet, whipping their heads to her direction and Rudy blushes furiously in embarrassment. He stays pressed against Valeria, looking around the place with wide eyes. Between hearing what the Shadow Gang leader wants, which is him, and the fear of anything going sideways, Rudy hasn't enjoyed his time outside. He isn't used to being around so many people at once, he was always kept out of a room that is loaded with weapons and drugs, and there were hookers trying to cover themselves up and sneak away. He doesn't miss the way some people, mostly guys, look his way, their eyes dark with something he can't describe or put a word to. Strange.

"Valeria, what the fuck?" A tall man yells, and Rudy looks at him and is immediately enhanced. The man is handsome, his face sharply defined, hair dark and gelled back and he's muscular. His dark eyes land on Rudy, who makes a small noise and hides behind Valeria, who wraps a strong arm around his waist in reassurance.

"Why are your idiotas here, Alejandro? Where's Price?" Valeria growls, and as if on cue, an older yet handsome man walks out of a room and smiles, but it doesn't reach his eyes.

"Ah, Garza, wasn't expecting to see you here. Are you here for business or the party?" Price takes out a cigar and lights it, looking so calm.

"Why are Los Vaqueros here?" Valeria orders an answer and Alejandro snorts, throwing a glare at her.

"And why is that any of your business?" He throws back and Valeria inches closer, only stopping when Rudy grabs her hand and caresses the back of it, calming her down...for now.

"Alright, my office, now. Party's over, folks! Get the bloody hell out of here!" Price shouts, and the people besides the leaders leave without complaint. Rudy walks with Valeria, frowning when she stops him and looks around.

"I don't want you in there, in case anything happens, but I don't wanna leave you alone out here." She whispers, and Rudy gives her a small smile.

"I brought my knife, I'll be fine. I promise." He whispers back and Valeria grins, eyeing him up and down.

"If I wasn't gay, I would have fucked you right here." She grins wolfishly and Rudy blushes, hiding his face and stepping back from her.

"Val!" He exclaims, and she laughs before walking into the office. He waits outside the door patiently, observing everything around him. He eyes a man with a mohawk walk up to him, a charming smile tracing his lips.

"Well hello there beautiful." He says, and Rudy tries not to blush. Keep it together, Rudy.

"Hello." He greets politely, feeling so small under the man's strong stare.

"I'm Soap, what's your name?" The man outstretches his hand and Rudy shakes it, a perfect brow raised at the weird name. He knows it's not his real name, but to have an alias called Soap is just...unique.

"Rudy, it's nice to meet you Soap." He shakes hands with Soap, who's smile grows wider. Rudy retracts his hand and fidgets, almost jumping in surprise when another man appears out of nowhere, glaring at Soap.

"Why are you bothering this man?" The newcomer questions, and he seems to stand protectively in front of Rudy. This whole ordeal is crazy and Rudy is impressed he hasn't lost his mind by now. The newcomer is cute, barely taller than Soap and he's leaner but he has broad shoulders that Rudy peeks over to try seeing Soap, who appears to not be bothered. They must know each other then.

"Aw Gaz, why ye actin' like that? I ain't doing nothing to the cutie, just being a gentleman." Soap says, a bit too cheerily, and the other man shakes his head. He turns to look down at Rudy, who doesn't like how short he is compared to these guys. Hell, Valeria is even taller than him by an inch, and it doesn't help she wears those boots that give her a few more inches.

"Sorry, sir, my name is Gaz, and I'm sure this buffoon already introduced himself. Are you waiting for Price?" Gaz's voice is soft, like he didn't want to startle him. While adorable, Rudy couldn't help but feel belittled.

"No, I'm here with Valeria Garza." He says, and he wants to smirk when both their eyes widen and they share a look. "Tell me, why are Los Vaqueros here? I hear 141 and LV are close, but not this close...this party, it was a celebration, no?" Rudy continues, and he loves how Gaz looked appalled and Soap was stoic but his eyes gleamed.

"Smart observation, Rudy. You'll learn in like, 2 sec–" "¡Hijo de puta!" Valeria's enraged scream startled Rudy, who runs into the office to see Valeria looking like she was about to have a meltdown. And a meltdown Valeria isn't a Valeria you want to be around.

"Valeria, what happened?" Rudy goes over to her and she glares at Price and Alejandro.

"These two pussies decided to ally with one another. You're going to regret this, John." Valeria says in a low voice, a warning to the older man. She gives Alejandro another sharp glare before moving to leave, when Alejandro speaks up.

"Who's this?" He points at Rudy, who tries to appear calm but every ticking second felt like a second closer before a bomb went off. Valeria stops, looking conflicted and Rudy speaks before he can even think of being smart.

"Rodolfo Parra." He says, settling his features into a sharp glare when Alejandro grins at him.

"Rodolfo...I want him. You give me your princesa, and the three of us have an alliance." Alejandro speaks calmly, but what he said was anything but calm. Rudy pales, looking at Valeria who snarls and lunges at the other, her knife out and ready to strike. Price stops her, shaking his head and Valeria growls, a scary and deep sound that rumbles throughout her chest.

"He's not some bitch, Vargas. Go fuck a hooker." Valeria grabs Rudy and drags him out, cursing in Spanish under her breath. Rudy hugs her arm, trying not to burst into tears but his worst fear is coming true. The Garza Cartel won't get any allies because the leaders of other gangs want him, like he's some trophy.

He's in shock, he doesn't know when they get back to their safehouse, but he snaps out of it when he hears Valeria shouting and Mr. Garza trying to console her. Mrs. Garza has a hand over her mouth, begging under her breath, praying, and Rudy starts giggling. They stare at him in confusion, but Rudy can't stop laughing. Holy shit, was this his life now? Some bitch that's bought and traded? Damn, his father really ruined his life.

"Rudy..." Valeria whispers, but Rudy walks off to his room, shutting the door and holding back the urge to lock it. The Garza's didn't like it when he locked his door. No freedom, really, but he's their trophy. They just treat him better than anyone else can. He goes back to looking out his window, remembering the old Las Almas, when the Mexican government didn't let the people of this beautiful city rot with the cartels and gangs. A city that attracted gangs, mafias, cartels, from all over the world. A city of souls, literally.

——

Rudy forced himself to go to sleep early that evening, and he didn't wake up until the afternoon of the next day. He sits up and goes to his bathroom, turning on the tap of his shower and trying to hold back the tears. He can't be weak. He can't. He steps in when the water is warm and washes his body and hair, thinking about every solution there could be involving alliances. The Garza Cartel is on top of the corrupted hierarchy, basically the government of Las Almas. 141 was formed after the battle of Las Almas, where the final front of the Mexican military tried to push back the cartel, with no support from the Mexican government. They lost and retreated, and the few that escaped with the soldiers did, because after that, no one was allowed to leave Las Almas.

Mr. Garza is a kind man to his family, he's willing to die for them. But to the outside, he is a completely different man. Ruthless, mean, aggressive. Valeria got it from him, obviously.

The Shadow Company came shortly after the formation of 141. They worked with the Mexican army unit stationed for the final front in Las Almas, Los Vaqueros, but eventually betrayed them and took control of Northern Las Almas. After the betrayal, the commander of Los Vaqueros took a handful of his best soldiers and developed a gang based on weapons transportation that soon became dirty.

The Garza Cartel is in control of all Las Almas, but Mr. Garza allowed 141, Los Vaqueros, and the Shadows to form their own territory under his direct and strict supervision. He wants alliances since there are bigger threats outside Las Almas waiting to take them all down, but the crudeness of Alejandro Vargas and the secret alliance between LV and 141 only made him doubtful. Mr. Garza doesn't want anything to do with the Shadows, especially Graves, but they seemed to be the only option.

He sighs sadly, turning off the shower and stepping out, drying himself on and getting dressed. He hears a commotion outside and furrows his brows looking out his window to see a bunch of black, armored jeeps parked around the safehouse. He races out of his room, his knife tucked inside his belt as he jogs down the stairs, stopping abruptly when he sees Mr. Garza talking to a man. He's white, with light brown hair and blue eyes that he could get lost in. He's unaware of him standing there, staring, before a soft hand grabs his shoulder and turns him around. Mrs. Garza is looking at him with concern, touching his forehead with the back of her palm when she notices how flushed he looks.

"Rudy, are you okay, dear?" She asks and Rudy nods, pointing to the strange yet handsome man.

"Who's that?" He asks, and Mrs. Garza sighs tiredly.

"Phillip Graves. He's requesting a competition against 141 and Los Vaqueros. These men are fucking filthy pigs. We won't let them get you, Rudy." Mrs. Garza says, and Rudy hugs her.

"Mrs. Garza...I have to go to one of them. We are powerful but there's more dangerous gangs out there, waiting for when we are all at our weakest. I can't let anyone hurt you, Mr. Garza, or Valeria." Rudy steps back and gives her a small smile before walking into Mr. Garza's office, surprising him and Graves. The American eyes him hungrily, standing up and sticking his hand out. Rudy shakes it out of politeness, nodding at Mr. Garza and sitting down in the empty seat.

"I hear you want a competition. Fine. Deal is on, whatever gang wins gets me." Rudy says, his voice monotonous and Mr. Garza shakes his head but Rudy holds up a hand. "I'm almost 21, I can make my own decisions. This is beneficial to the cartel. Now, Mr. Graves, why should I ever consider joining you?"

——

August 15th was the day of the competition, and Valeria had decided to join it on behalf of the Garza Cartel so they could win and keep Rudy. She was furious at him for sacrificing himself but Rudy comforted her and told her it was the only way. And if she won, they would have nothing to worry about. It's been a month since Rudy took charge of his own life and today is the day that fate would choose the path. He was told to wear all white, to represent his purity and neutrality. He wore a white gown that Mrs. Garza bought him, and a white cape with blood red patterns over his shoulders, showing anyone who looks his way that he's part of the Garza's. He leaves his room and meets Valeria down the hall, observing her look.

She wore a black and red military style jacket, and cargo pants. She opted for combat boots with no high heels, and her blade is tucked into a belt that once belonged to Mr. Garza and was passed down to her for her 16th birthday.

"Rudy, are you sure you want to do this?" Valeria looks into his eyes and he smiles sadly, nodding his head.

"I love you, Val, you are like a sister to me, you made me feel so safe here. You were always there to protect me. Let's hope the others, if one of them wins, allow me to visit you." Rudy says and Valeria hugs him, wishing they could stay like that forever. If she loses, the better half of her would be ripped away, and she can't do anything about it.

"Come on, the event is going to begin soon." He whispers and they walk to the extravagant backyard of the safehouse, where the training range was set up to hold a large crowd of people. They walk up the stairs to one of the balconies, where Rudy is to sit besides the Garzas. He peers down to the fighting ground, seeing Graves, Alejandro, and the infamous Ghost preparing. Valeria kisses the top of his head before leaving to join the men below, her evil persona coming out and she will shed blood today.

"Rudy, this is your last chance to say no." Mr. Garza is begging him, pleading with him, to say no but Rudy can't.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Garza." Rudy whispers, clutching the cape tight around him. Mr. Garza nods solemnly, and stands to start the competition. One of the guards below shoots into the air, and the first round begins.

The four must race across the range, pick up a sled full of over 20 pound weights and objects, and drag it back in time. Valeria gets their first, grabbing the straps of the sled and pulling it out, her teeth barred but she wasn't the only one struggling. Alejandro and Graves were trying to push theirs along the painted lines, but Ghost did it with ease. Made sense, he's 6 feet 4 inches and is the biggest out of them, muscles that could kill and a build so broad that Rudy has to admit, he checked him out a bit.

Ghost reaches the starting point first, winning the round but there are still 30 seconds left. Graves comes in second, Alejandro third, and Valeria last. Rudy frowns when he sees her pace, her mouth moving quick and he knows she's cursing off everyone and everything.

The next round is archery, they have to shoot five bullseyes, the targets over 10 meters away. Another shot goes off and the four pick up their bows and arrows, Valeria the first to shoot hers. Bullseye. It doesn't take long before Valeria and Graves are tied, Alejandro in third with Ghost last. Graves shoots his last arrow and it's a bullseye. He's the winner of the second round.

There's ten rounds in total, Alejandro was the winner of the third round which was a fighting cage, Valeria won the fourth which was sword fighting. Ghost won 5, Graves won 6 and 7. Alejandro took 8 and 9. The last round taunted Rudy, telling him his fate is so close and Valeria wasn't it. Neither was 141. He watched from the edge of his seat, as the four stood in their starting point. An obstacle course sat before them, where they had to be careful not to be caught by the group of cartel guards. The final shot goes off and Rudy observes, unsure who he wants as his new "owner".

Ghost kicks at a guard, barely managing to slip past the group as he jumps over a giant log. Valeria is stealthy, careful and the guards honestly can't find her. Graves is racing forward, stopping briefly to punch the guard following him. Alejandro is in the lead, and Rudy feels his blood run cold when he gets closer to the end. Graves is close too, trying to catch up, but it's done. Alejandro made it. Half of the crowd cheers, and Rudy gulps, his anxiety spiking. Mr. Garza clears his throat, standing up and he announces Alejandro Vargas as the winner. Rudy stands and leaves, needing space before he hands himself over.

"This is for Valeria" He reminds himself as he retreats back inside the safehouse.

——

It's not long before Rudy goes back out, forcing a smile as all the guests were welcomed inside to the massive dining hall Mr. Garza had, the room full of noise and Rudy's social anxiety began rising. He musters a calm expression and walks over to Alejandro, nose scrunching up when he can already smell beer and cigarette smoke from the loud Vaqueros.

"Mr. Vargas." He speaks up, surprised his new owner could hear him over the shouts of his Vaqueros as one of them lost a game of cards. Alejandro smiles, standing up to his full height and grabbing Rudy's hand, leaning down to kiss the back of his palm. Rudy is surprised at the nobel gesture, the heat in his cheeks visible due to his lighter complexion.

"Rodolfo, glad to see you join us. I thought my Vaqueros and I scared you off or something." Alejandro chuckles nervously, and Rudy observes his body language. Hands buried inside his pockets, his cheek tinted red, and his eyes looking anywhere but at Rudy. He's nervous, awkward, a huge contrast to the stories he heard of Alejandro Vargas.

"It takes a lot to scare me off. How are you doing? Do you like the food?" Rudy asks, sitting down in the empty seat beside Alejandro's and the taller man follows him, wincing when he hits his knee against the table. The Vaqueros shared a look before they all stood up and left, some patting Alejandro on the back. Rudy feels his nerves calm down a bit with the big audience gone, his attention going back to Alejandro who's staring at him.

"You're beautiful" He whispers, and Rudy's eyes widen. Before he can say anything, three familiar people walk over and sit down, someone two his right while the other two sit beside Alejandro. Ghost, Soap, and Gaz.

"What 're ye guys talking about?" Soap asks, a slight slur in his voice and Gaz sighs from next to him.

"Nothing, hermanos. What do you want?" Alejandro turns to look at Soap and Ghost, and Rudy is surprised to see how relaxed Ghost looks when sitting next to the person he lost to. Ghost notices him staring and smirks under his mask, leaning forward and startling Rudy.

"How do you feel about Alejandro taking custody of you?" He asks, voice deep and his accent nice to listen to. As much as Rudy feared The Ghost, he admired him.

"How do you feel about Alejandro owning me?" Rudy asks, and Ghost leans back, shrugging.

"You'll be mine eventually, I'm a patient man." Ghost growls and Rudy's face is completely red. He looks down, feeling eyes on him and then there's a hand on left arm, tracing the sleeves of his gown.

"This is pretty, Rodolfo. Fits you, for now." Gaz speaks up and Rudy snaps his head to him, eyes wide. His breath hitches at Gaz's handsome face, his slight stubble and dark eyes, clouded with something. He unconsciously leans into the touch, heat traveling everywhere across his body and he feels lightheaded.

"Follow me, Rudy." Alejandro's voice breaks through and Rudy hesitates. He nods, accepting the hand and letting Alejandro guide him down the hall. He hears footsteps behind him and turns, surprised to see the three following them closely behind. Alejandro opens a door and gently pushes Rudy, who glances around the guest room in confusion. Why did they bring him in here?

"Is everything o-" he's cut off by rough lips dominating his softer ones, eyes widening as he stares at Alejandro. The heat and intensity of the kiss, his first kiss, has Rudy letting his eyes flutter shut and he wraps his arms around Alejandro's broad shoulders. Someone comes up behind him, the smell of rich cologne that he picked up on one person telling him who it is. Soap.

Soap's hands, slightly callous but gentle as he touched him, undid his cape and handed it to Gaz, who neatly folded it and placed it on a dresser. Ghost stalks over and rips the gown off of him, a gasp leaving Rudy's lips as his body is exposed to the cold air. Oh god, was he going to lose his virginity to the four of them?

"Shh, calm down, amor. We're going to take good care of you. You're our queen now, Rudy. Anything you want, we give it to you." Alejandro coos and Rudy melts, tugging at his jacket and whining softly. He felt like a bitch in heat, or whatever the saying is, but all the pressure fell on him and it wasn't bad pressure. No, he felt needy and hungry and not for food, but for the four big and burly men around him.

"P-please..." He whimpers, biting his bottom lip when he feels a hand grope his round ass. Soap grins, coming to his view.

"Please what, baby?" He says softly and Rudy felt like he could faint.

"Please...fuck me?" Rudy looks up at them for guidance, and Gaz is the one to push away Alejandro and Soap and smiles reassuringly down at him.

"Good boy, you asked so nicely. Lay down, Rudy, we'll give you what you want." He whispers and Rudy nods, stepping out of his torn gown and crawling on the bed, laying on his back and feeling his nerves spike up when the four crawl in after him. Ghost rubs his large hands up and down his thighs, the touches soothing enough that he calms down. Alejandro settles between his legs and removes his underwear, gawking at his exposed hole and Rudy shyly looks away, trying to cover himself up. Soap tsks, shaking his head and pulling his hands away.

"Don't, baby. You're so fucking gorgeous. Fuck, do you know what you do to me?" Soap growls and Rudy mewls softly when he feels teeth nibble at his inner thighs. Alejandro grins as he sucks on his pale skin, the blood rushing and forming a hickey. He watches with big, curious eyes as Gaz touches his chest, both hands groping him and his thumbs circling along his nipples.

"Look at his tits, I want to fuck them so bad." He grunts and Rudy moans, slapping a hand over his mouth when he realizes what he did. Ghost chuckles, easing his hand away before trailing a large hand down to his hole and teasing it. Rudy twitches with want, his mind foggy with lust and he whines, bucking his hips up.

"Por favor" He whimpers, and Alejandro nods. He unbuttons his trousers and Soap grabs something out of his pocket, handing a small bottle to Alejandro who gives a smile of appreciation. Rudy stares at Alejandro's dick with wide eyes, wondering how something so big could fit inside him.

"A-ale...it won't fit!" He squeaks out and they all chuckle, but not in a cruel way. Gaz runs a hand through his hair, leaning down to kiss his neck.

"It's okay, Rudy, it'll fit. It's best to have Alejandro first and not Ghost." Rudy looks over at the masked man then trails his eyes down to his noticeable bulge. Okay, even if Alejandro did fit inside him, how the hell would Ghost? That man is just a large package.

"Are you ready, Rudy?" Alejandro asks, looking at him for consent and Rudy realizes that fate gave him luck. If this was how the rest of his life would be, then he'll take it. A part of him screamed that if Graves won, the American would fuck him right away with no prep or consent. These boys though, they were thoughtful and sincere and gentle.

"Yes." He whispers, and that night becomes the queen of the united 141 and Los Vaqueros gang.

#cod fanfics #rodolfo parra #alejandro vargas #alejandro x rodolfo #ghost x rodolfo #soap x rodolfo #gaz x rodolfo #gang au #valeria garza #call of duty #task force 141 #los vaqueros #el sin nombre

[oyasumi-ashurii]

Okay, so it might be a little hard for me to cohesively put all my thoughts and feelings into why I care so much about Final Fantasy VIII, but because of the 25th anniversary and seeing a lot of you talk about your love of the game I'll try the best I can. So here's my embarrassingly and extremely long personal history with the game and why it will always be my favorite.

Before FF8 I was mostly a Nintendo kid. Mario and Zelda were all I really knew, and as a hyperactive as I was I didn't really have the patience for anything story-heavy that took a lot of reading. Though I did I get a PlayStation later on I hardly bothered with anything other than Spyro or Crash. Anything similar in graphics to FF7 or 8 was mostly foreign to me too, with maybe the closest being my cousin having the first Resident Evil and I was far too young and too scared to bother with anything like that. So you can imagine the complete and utter shock kid me had going to my uncle's and seeing him play FF8 for the first time. I don't think it had been out too long but he was already on disc 3 in Esthar and, bless his soul, he let me play his save for a while. Being able to fly around the map on the Ragnarok?? The realistic proportions and animations in battle?? The absolute BANGER of a soundtrack?! All of it had me excitedly begging my parents to buy me the game. Nine year old me didn't know roman numerals, though, just that it was called Final Fantasy with some weird lettering. I had no idea of Final Fantasy as a series and I didn't know it was the eighth game or that there were eight of them at all. I couldn't remember what the cover looked like either and my uncle not long after that was going through his own personal troubles so I wasn't able to visit or ask him. We didn't have internet at home until the early 2000s (it was AOL dial-up too, jesus, I don't miss that) and my parents were strict about internet use, so I was stuck. My dad did eventually buy me an FF game as a surprise when I was eleven, and lmao can you believe I was genuinely upset because it was Final Fantasy VII?! That being said, I have an INSANE amount of love and respect for 7. Considering how much easier I think the materia system is to understand for newcomers, having it as my first, full FF experience was a bit of a blessing lol. FF7 hit me in a different way than 8 did, and maybe I'll make a post about it sometime.

So other than the brief times on the internet (I was only allowed on for an hour or two before I was kicked off) and reading gaming magazines I had hardly any access or knowledge about FF8 until years later. I knew the characters briefly and read some small stuff here and there about the world, but that was it. Even so, I STILL loved it. I would draw them (I've drawn most of my life, and I still do occasionally as a fun hobby), write about what I thought they were like, so, so much of me embarrassingly obsessing over it and driving my small group of friends in school bonkers (oh lordy I just remembered my preteen username I had used on an FF forum and now I'm cringing.) You get it. So why did I cling to the game so much, even though I barely played it? Why did it mean so much to me? Because around the time I was twelve I was deeply depressed, and throughout my middle school and early high school life video games and their stories were the only joy and comfort I had. I'm not going to go into much detail because it feels too personal to write on tumblr about and I'd rather not think back too much. If you want the gist it was at a moment in time I was mostly on my own. I felt isolated and alone, and due to growing up in and around strict, conservative circles I struggled with feeling far behind my peers, so my personal and school life suffered. Things got better though and I'm happy in my life now, so that's really it.

As I got a little older I had played other FF's and RPGs in between that I also fell in love with (especially Kingdom Hearts) and funnily enough horror games, but I still didn't get my hands on 8 until I got it on my fifteenth birthday and I was over the moon. That night and many nights and weekends after that I played every single bit of that game. I had printed walkthroughs and a guide of the junction system, with overly-detailed notes I had scribbled down and highlighted. I had written down all the rules of triple triad, weapon upgrades, item refinements and what you get from monsters, side-quests, all of it. I had never went all in into a game before, but I did it because I wanted to experience the game that gave preteen me comfort everything it had to offer. And I remember vividly when I finished it I cried until I was almost out of breath.

But you know, I didn't get emotional because of the nostalgic school-like feel and inspired real-world setting, or the overall main plot with magic, sci-fi and sorceresses. It wasn't even the deeply interwoven love stories, the theme of fate or the gameplay either, though I grew to love all of those things dearly with time.

It was because I was a socially-awkward and lonely fifteen year old girl that watched an equally as awkward seventeen year old boy overcome his own deeply-rooted fears and trauma and come out at the end of it all on the path to healing.

And I knew I'd be okay, and ever since then this game has and will always be that reminder and comfort for me.

Thanks for reading.

#ash.personal #ff8 #final fantasy

[melimata613]

As a woman who is 30 years old, I’d like to say I think I know a thing or two about myself. I’ve had the “ability to get pregnant “ for 2 decades now and going on my 3rd. I remember vividly when I got my first menstrual cycle my mother was almost a little too happy about it. She went on and on about now being able to create a life and carry inside. For as long as I can remember have never had any want or desire to take care of children or to have my own. I remember saying to her that I did not want to be a “young woman” and did not want to be “able to make a child.” I was 10 at the time and she had just laughed at what I said. And for many years after that, she continued to scoff and roll her eyes at the thought of me not wanting to be a mother.

Growing up I did not like hanging out with children my age. I always wanted to be with the adults. I have never looked at a mother and thought gee I want that. Nothing about motherhood interests me. Not getting pregnant. The act of childbirth. Taking care of the said child. Or dealing with school functions, recitals, games, and or anything to do with child events.

I do not wish any ill or pain to any children. I get mad when I hear or see mistreatment. But do I wish to step into the role to fix it, no.

I grew up with parents that I do not believe should have had children. They were young and children themselves at the time. My mom was pregnant at 18 and again at 19 and again at 21. That always seemed nuts to me.

I remember being forced against my will to take care of my cousins growing up. Did not appreciate. I understand that adults need time but I am not your resident babysitter especially when I was 16 or so when that shit would happen.

Growing up in LV I would always see large families of unruly children and it always upset me. The lack of supervision of the kids I truly did not understand. I know that kids are still learning but as an adult and their parent you should be teaching them right from wrong. Right? Your child should not be screaming at the top of their lungs because you didn’t want to buy them a stupid toy. Your child is not supposed to be climbing up strangers and asking for what they are eating. Don’t you touch them stranger danger???

Kids are gross to me. They shit on themselves. They throw up on themselves. They piss on themselves. They always get dirty no matter what. They smell. I don’t understand why they are always sticky. It is just not for me.

I do not have the patience nor do I want to gain the patience. I feel for kids the way someone might feel about animals. Some people are not pet-friendly people. Which I get. I am not too crazy about dogs. I prefer dogs over kids. And I prefer cats over dogs.

Just a rant. I got to the point where I am tired of acting like I can just suffer in silence with children around when I can’t. They are too loud for my comfort. Top hyper and active for my comfort. Hate when I catch one just staring at me. Like no. I can not.

I can choose to avoid them as much as possible and that is what I want to do. No offense to any parents. I just feel indifferent to every child.

Now that I have explored social media and just the internet I know that I am not alone. I am a child-free woman who does not like children. Just because I have ovaries and a fucking vagina does not mean I automatically love children and want to step into a role to take care of them and love them.

Plenty of people become parents that should not be. Plenty of people wish to be one but can’t. Life is shitty sometimes. I doubt my thoughts of children will change since I am 30 and it has never floundered but who knows.

I am done faking a smile when your annoying child annoys me. Will I be mean to them no but I will walk away and not engage. I think my patience is at negative at this point in my life.

#childfree #woman #a rant #chicago

[ggukkiedae]

since we know how young yoonmi was during trainee days / debut era, what were some ways that the rest of bangtan tried to make her more comfortable? i feel like I could see jimin buying her small toys or games to help her get more used to them being around her

hi hun! this question is a throwback to yoonmi’s beginnings, and thinking about that has me nostalgic in the best way aksjdhf thank you for this! 💖

so specifically for each member, let’s do it in order: (bear with me this is kinda lengthy)

namjoon really tried to get to know her and listen to her music while helping her improve. that was their bonding. he’d also talk to her in english despite bang pd and the staff asking him to speak to her in korean because he knew she probably would miss having an english speaker around to talk to. namjoon also has a little sister, so he thought it would be similar, but the two girls were different, so namjoon really took to observing yoonmi so he could see if she was comfortable or not. if not, he’d try to somehow engage her in a game or conversation

yoongi didn’t even look at her for like a month, but he started doing little subtle things for her when he wrapped his mind around having her there like making her snacks while she studies, packing an extra water bottle for her, or waiting for her when she stays behind in the company amidst many things. once they grew close, he’d let her stay in the studio with him when she was overwhelmed so she’d have quiet but also company. he gave her a teddy once on his birthday after he, namjoon, hobi, and yoonmi went to an arcade to celebrate, “the teddy isn’t my vibe. here, kid. take it” (she still has it to this day, nearly 12 years later)

from the start hobi just absolutely wanted to give her the best he could. he’d walk her to and from school, joke around with her, let her try his parents’ cooking and all that. he also be the most reassuring when it came to the other trainees or to actual training, helping her out when she struggled. but he’d also take her to playgrounds or to the han river to spend some time as a normal kid

jungkook was, well, a kid just as much as she was. he didn’t need to do anything, they just bonded over being some of the youngest members and being from busan. jk treated her as an equal rather than a little girl. but they would constantly hang out together and teach each other dances (jungkook) or gymnastics (yoonmi) while grabbing snacks and maybe pranking other trainees along the way

jin was just the parent. he'd fuss over her and help her out with homework, or any daily task. he treated her like a kid because he didn't want her to miss out on childhood. he even took her to his house sometimes so she could get proper home cooked meals from a korean mom. he always made sure that when the team wants to do something, she'd be okay with it first. he'd always watch out for any sign of discomfort, too, then it would be jin to the rescue!

tae right off the bat adopted her as his own little sibling. he was sad he couldn't watch his own little siblings grow up, so he compensated with yoonmi by playing with her and taking her out to explore all the time (or whenever he could). he brought her to places he thought she'd enjoy then made sure to get her a full meal all the time because "i love your little cheeks too much for them to disappear"

jimin, as you mentioned, would indeed buy her little toys and trinkets. nothing big since he couldn't afford it, but her eyes lit up with every single little toy he gave her that he knew she loved it. he'd also let her cuddle him in silence or rant to him, and would lend her his hoodies all the time whenever she felt overwhelmed. he treated her gently and tried his best to be a support pillar for her

#yoonmi.facts #bts 8th member #bts female member #bts female addition #miya #yoonmi #kim yoonmi

[daisyjones456]

Television on in my living

This is the first time my eyes hurt, not from the bluelight

But from the horror glimmering in it

Ghastly images of humans who look and feel like me

One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready

And the forth one was killed

Someone beside me says it's a sorry sight

Moves on to watch NFL and what not

All the story tales in the world live inside a small box

How so different they seem

We are all flesh and blood

Bones beneath skin and a heart beneath the armour

Some of us die from boredom

Some of them die of starvation and waste

The reporter with her face carved of stone exclaims

'The hostages were showered in gold and platinum'

Then killed in broad daylight with barbs made of silver

Skip the channel and you are saved

For us how easy is it to escape

The portal to escapism lies in our hands

Their hands are filled with sticks and stones and guns

So young, yet so old

So full of hope, but the eyes are filled with doom

The fat monster with his sticky hands and shiny shoes

Sits atop a jeweled throne

Brandishing statements about what he would do

Just for a second I believe him,

Because it is easier to believe than face the reality

Making proclamations in comfort is nothing revolutionary

I do it to, so does my dad, and the guy across the street I see everyday

All of us share the earth, we were told

Then why do we get it for free while they have to fight for it?

I have five homes across the world

There's a child of 3 who belongs to no one

No country, no homeland, and no mother to call his own

Things that are nightmares for you and me

Imaginations that haunt your teen

Is a normal day for the child of three

I can't do much I say, after all what power do I have to make any change

We delude our ourselves,  make ourselves weak, play the victim card,

Break our bones and refuse to mend

Just so we don't have to fight the war

Just so we can say 'I'm powerless'

How do I tell my daughter that this world is pretty and kind and generous?

When she turns on the TV, she's gonna call me a liar

How do I tell my son that the men are strong and powerful and virtuous?

When he turns on the TV

He's gonna give me a look soo murderous

I'll tremble in fear

------

In a faraway land,

A mom sings a lullaby

While a child falls asleep to the sound of a gunshot

How can I enjoy a glass of wine if it reminds me of blood

How can I read in bliss, when words are stolen from their lips

How can I feel the sun on my back, while there's someone shivering in the cold

How long can this land hold the grief and suffering

The soil is sick with blood

We are the gen-z crowd, we proudly convey

We are meant to care about deeds and feats our parents didn't even think about

But when it comes to action, we are as useless as a broken condom

The millennial and boomers in here, you haven't done anything much either

Because some of you started it in the first place

I believe that by writing this poem

I'm doing the world a favour

That I'm someway, somehow doing my part

There's that damn delusion again

Always creeping up in the wrong places

So you didn't put in a brick in the fire

That doesn't mean you didn't stroke the devil

That doesn't make you innocent

We wave white flags all around

Ask for peace, ask for love, ask for humility

Did any of you get it?

Bright Sunday morning

Reading the body count like it's a math problem

When did we become so emotionally stunted

We care about our nails and hair and suits and house and cars and perfumes and all the bullshit things that don't make any sense

But if someone asks us for a pen we'll stab them in the eye and call it a prank

--------

It's very simple the universe follows our lead

The universe doesn't make us, we shape it

By our thoughts, buy our actions, the way we speak to each other

And frankly the current state of affairs isn't surprising to me

The world has seeped our energy, it seems

We label callous behaviour as cool

And if someone dares to speak up

They are called intense and aggressive and too much

We shun them into silence

Send positive thoughts, mediate, the stars look so pretty tonight

Such bullshit!

My earth is failing and you ask me to look up at the stars!!

No, i won't sit and listen,

I won't forgive and forget,

Won't turn the other cheek or a blind eye

We have been silent for far too long

Our activism has made us weak, given us a reason to not do anything

So I won't sit and listen

I won't forgive and forget

I will be positive not because I want to ignore the venality and depravity

It's because my treacherous heart still believes

#war #poem #original poem #poetry #poems on tumblr #sad poetry #poets on tumblr #depressing shit #social justice #social causes #equality #justice #youth #child abuse #emotional abuse #stop the war #sad poem

[foxgloveawake]

It sounds bad, but, I don’t think about my father that often. He hasn’t been in my life in a real way since I was young. He is more of a stranger at this point. A friend who lives near him tells me things about him sometimes and it feels like hearing about a mythological creature or a lore that I’m disconnected from. When I do think about him, it's usually in the framework of realizing that there's a good chance that I'll leave life without experiencing a relationship with my dad. I sometimes question if I should attempt to get back in touch with him, while we still have time. A part of me feels like that was always his job to bridge the gap. He is the parent. He is the one who began the alienation. But I dunno. He was also an unwell person. He coped with his issues by drinking and getting high and through avoidance. He was angry and depressed. He was too emotionally ill to be able to show up in my life. Who knows, really. I know he has thought of me, because I have had various people tell me things that he has said. The thought of me upset him so much that he did not want to see photos of me when my aunt offered him to look at my Facebook profile. To be honest, when I heard that, it pissed me off. I understand it, but I thought of it as cowardice. Still prioritizing his own emotional comfort.

Most of the memories I have of him, are not great. Which is another reason why I have felt hesitation to attempt to open that box. Again, it sounds bad, but in a way it would feel like reconnecting with your former bogeyman.

I do have a few good memories though. When I would visit him, he’d take me to watch his neighbor’s koi pond. We’d feed them and watch the swirling of the orange, yellow, and red near the surface of the water. 

This past summer I bought a print of a painting of koi fish from a watercolor artist at a festival. I felt very drawn to the painting, but in the moment I didn’t know why. I just felt like I had to buy it. Now when I look at it on my wall, I understand. It’s a memory of the time I did have with my dad. I am still undecided about whether or not I should be the one to get in contact, but, time is certainly ticking. I have his address on a piece of paper inside of a drawer.

#mine #thoughts

[dollarbin]

Dollar Bin #19:

Tom Petty's You're Gonna Get It!

Imagine a new Tom Petty record.

I don't mean some new archive set like the expanded/alternative versions of Wildflowers or She's the One. I mean a record that is entirely unheard of; one that no one even knew to long for.

I'm disappointed it hasn't happened yet. I hoped Petty's and, for that matter, Prince's, estates would provide a much needed balm to us all after each of their tragic passings by gifting us a miracle, a great white whale we did not even know was lurking beneath us all these years, on the order of Neil Young's Homegrown or Dylan's Complete Basement Tapes.

Sure, we got to hear Prince alone at the microphone, but I feel like he probably made recordings like that, effortlessly, once a week in 80's. And yes, there's a single, previously unknown, piece of pop greatness to be found on the posthumous Petty box set, 1982's Keep a Little Soul.

But where's Petty's Black Eyed Dog? Where's his Hundred Highways? It's not enough for us to miss Tom; we want to hear his voice reach out and comfort us once again from his untimely grave.

I know exactly what I'm asking for here because I've already experienced it. That's right: at age 13 I was sure I'd discovered an entirely-lost-to-history Petty album.

Let's start at the beginning. My two buddies - both named Matt - and I reacted to Full Moon Fever by going Tom Petty crazy. Tom checked every box a few geeky, unpopular and yearning-for-the-ladies white kids needed checked: he wasn't already property of the cool kids, he was counter-cultural in obtuse, safely-white man ways, his songs were as often as funny as Weird Al's, he rocked, and his middle name was Earl.

So for Christmas / Hanukkah that year we embraced communism's concept of collective ownership in an effort to get our hands on the entire Petty catalog. As the beloved leader of our oligarchy over none, I directed Matt 1 to ask for Let Me Up and Damn the Torpedoes and Matt 2 to get the self-titled debut album and Hard Promises (which, based on its cover, looked like the lamest record), leaving me to squeeze my own stocking with confidence that Southern Accents and Long After Dark were in there on tape, waiting to change my life for the better.

What else, you ask, did we ask for that holiday? Blank tapes of course: it was our standing and too-obvious-to-speak-about agreement that by dinner time on the 25th everyone would have copied both their new albums twice and delivered the copies to one another by bike.

That's right folks: none of us asked for You're Gonna Get It! There was a simple reason: the record was utterly out of print, had never been released on CD and was nowhere to be found in any local Dollar Bin. To three 13 year olds in 1989 who were busy exploring music without knowledgeable parents or older siblings in an era long before the internet, it was as if Petty's sophomore album had never been made. We didn't ask for it because we didn't know it existed.

And so when we rolled up with my dad to the Fabulous Forum on March 1, 1990 for our first ever popular music concert the three of us believed we had the entire Petty catalog memorized.

Ah, what a glorious night....

After buying Petty shirts and promptly putting them on we took our seats and saw the cringy but sorta awesome opening act, Lenny Kravitz. Lenny tried to lead the entire indifferent audience in a sing along to a song no one had heard at that point, Let Love Rule. This was long, long before he got a marketing clue and traded in his second-fiddle-to-Liza-Bonnet role and became a peddler of planet destroying SUVs.

The night also marked our first brush with rock and roll royalty as both Dylan and Bruce Springsteen joined Petty and the boys for the encore. And, although the internet tells me it's not possible because of the concept known as death, I feel like Roy Orbison appeared as well. I guess it must have been his ghost that appeared behind those famous shades...

But to us 13 year olds none of that compared to the women directly in front of us getting into an all out, beer flinging and fake nails in the eyeballs, brawl in the middle of Freefallin'. My father, lord of the bon mot, instantaneously summed up the crazy scene by yelling "they're slamming boys!" All hail my father.

Is it any wonder that I wound up with a lifelong love of music after such a night? And I haven't even told you the best part: Benmont Tench hitting the opening riff of Love is a Long Road in the full dark as the show dramatically opened is one of the top 10 moments of my entire life.

There was just one unsettling moment all night. Mid-show Petty played a song we didn't know, all about listening to your heart. That wasn't too upsetting; there were plenty of songs he played that we didn't know. We figured they were covers, or coming out of the next record, because no one else in the audience knew them either. But when Petty told us about a ladyfriend resisting some dude's money and his cocaine everyone else all around us sang along.

We were a smart group of kids but we didn't put two and two together that night: take the fact that we were the youngest people there by a decade, add in the fact that everyone else there new the song and you wind up with an obvious conclusion: we were missing a Petty record. And so I went home with a nagging worry: what explained that one song?

The answer came from Saint Cross's Quaintance Shop a month or three later. Picture a fading church thrift store 35 years ago. Wigs and berets on white, styrofoam heads, mismatched golf clubs, iron-on izod patches for dressing up second hand kids shirts filled the front room; even less desirable items could be found in the back. A rotation of women born in the 20s manned the counter, clucking about whatever whenever my busy mother stopped by to pick up the shop's meager taking in her role as vestry treasurer.

I was still too young to have an excuse not to join her on these errands, and thank god for that because I wandered into the back room, thumbed through their quarter bin - that's right, in 1990 there was no such thing as the dollar bin; rather every record cost a quarter - and had my universe rocked when I saw Tom Petty standing in blue light with Stan (check out his handmade, drawstring hot pants!), Mike (pensive as always, deferring to the Tom as the boss), Ron (looking like he already has one foot out the door and is working up to his managerial role at an eighties bikini shop) and Benmont (forever a teenager) on the cover of a previously unknown record. Had the sun exploded in the sky at that moment I would have shrugged: the Holy Grail was in my hands and a moment before I had not known there was a God.

"Mom, please can I buy this? I just found it and I really need it."

"Sure you can, honey. Where's your money?"

"I mean, mom can you buy it for me? I don't have a quarter. But I'll pay you back, I promise." (This wasn't a case of not having my wallet; I literally did not own a cent at that moment. Every cent of my weekly $2 allowance would instantly go towards tapes. I did not yet own a turntable of my own and the recently discovered player in my parents cabinet still had a needle that had needed replacing in '74. I was forever broke and I remember borrowing money to buy Sergeant Pepper for a quarter from a different thrift store soon after.)

My glorious mother sighed and made a look that said "children these days..." Then she produced the precious quarter and I took home the arc of the covenant.

My glory was strong but short lived. Yes, the Matts were both blown away to discover a hithertofore unknown Petty record. But the only working turntables we knew belonged to Matt 1's formidable aerospace stepfather, and only Brahms was allowed on that one, and Matt 2's parents, and listening to a record in their living room necessitated dealing with Mickey, a truly insane golden retriever who weighed way more than me and was an incessant licker of his own formidable balls.

So it wasn't until high school that I really got into the greatness of You're Gonna Get It!

First, let's pause to consider the greatness that is an album that ends in an explanation point. We've already discussed Jonathan Sings! at length in these pages but there are plenty of other amazing albums made by brilliant artists who are goofy enough to add a ! to the end of their album title. Consider Get Happy!! And Henry the Human Fly! And what about Help!? These Are All Great Records! For that matter, wouldn't If I Could Only Remember My Name and Wild Tales be even better if Crosby and Nash had affixed explanation points to their titles? Man, I wish it was called Blood on the Tracks!

(Dear Stephen Stills, I know you're reading this so please pay attention: yes, we see that you tried to jump on the explanation point bandwagon in '05 by putting out a record entitled Man Alive! Good try Stevieboy, but to this day no one has ever listened to that record, and no one ever will. And don't try reissuing your 70's back catalog as Stills 1! Stills 2! Stills! and Illegal Stills! It will not change anything; those records will still forever suck.)

By ninth grade I had a turntable of my own and my first real appreciation of Your Gonna Get It! was getting way into Magnolia. I ask you, what better song is there for a horny heterosexual male ninth grader? I guarantee you I'm not the only boy who spent a whole lot of time visualizing themselves as Petty's first person protagonist:

From a table across the room

She was signalling me with her eyes

I walked over to be introduced,

I said hello, she just smiled

And said I know a place not too far from here,

We could get away for while.

Yeah that's when she kissed me and told me her name

I never did tell her mine...

Magnolia...

There's a lot to say about this track even after 24 years of blissful marriage. This song, and all of Your Gonna Get It!, features a complexly layered, full band vibe. Petty didn't just put everyone on the cover, he also gave them equal sonic billing; an approach he increasingly abandoned at the eighties increasingly set in and he got tempted by all the money and the cocaine. Hear the thick, bending bass stepping forward like a bold and reckless Romeo, driven by the tiptoeing lead piano riff. Petty's not the only one who gets lucky during this track. Everyone does.

Indeed, all of Side 1 is stone cold classic material, too rich and dense to have initially grabbed hold of me in eighth, then ninth, grade. The album opens with When the Time Comes. Tell me, please, why this elegant, powerful pop song is not more famous than everything on Wildflowers? When the Time Comes views every song on that overrated record with withering pity.

Tench's organ swells, the bridge spans mammoth depths, the drums and guitar carry us relentlessly forward up to a hollered fade. And then it's suddenly over and before we know it we're already kneeling down before Petty's declarative, white man soul in the title track.

Do you hear that guitar solo give way to the spaced out Dead vibes and then back into the chorus of chasing vocals? How the hell did this album ever get overlooked, forgotten and dropped out of print? Why are we ever listening to anything else in our lives?

On the back of my original 25 cent thrift shop copy of the LP there's the obligatory encouragement to reach out to the Official Tom Petty And The Heartbreakers Fan Club at 890 Tennessee Street in 'Frisco. I say that if we all send them self addressed stamped envelopes right now and demand a reissue of this record complete with bonus tracks then they'll do it and they'll also release, after all these years, Petty and Co's previously recorded, utterly forgotten and never before issued 77 lost album.

Come on people, lick those stamps. We're Gonna Get It!

#Youtube #tom petty and the heartbreakers #the basement tapes #stephen stills still sucks #neil young

[pyramidofmice]

tell us your fluffy gary hc 👀 ps that blank!steve carries a guitar is so important to me ;;

YES! I am NUTS about blank!Steve and his guitar.

Okay, here's a catch-all of my happy Gary thoughts!! :)

1) Gary had a private journal where he wrote poetry and song lyrics. It was very special to him. Gary and his friends often doodled or wrote on each other’s worksheets during class, and Gary saved his favorites in a sleeve on the inside of the journal’s cover. When the sleeve was full, Gary slid the papers between the pages like bookmarks.

2) Gary tried to look out for Peter, mainly by hanging around when Peter was scheduled to be in the same classes/places as Shane.

3) Gary and Andy hung out at Andy's house all the time. They knew each other before secondary, so Gary was a familiar part of the Knightley household.

4) On many school days, Gary would come home with Andy and spend a while there before going to his own house. If Gary had missed sleep, Andy would let him sleep in his bed while Andy himself did homework.

5) After the events of the movie, Gary is a father figure to his blank squad (whom I have dubbed the blank musketeers). I like the idea that he understands their feeling of being lost. Gary tries his best to give them the guidance and comfort he wishes he'd had growing up.

6) Gary encourages the blank musketeers as they form their own identities. Eventually, he doesn't even slightly think of them as copies of his friends, because he's gotten to know the blanks for who they've become.

7) Gary LOVED Mr. Shepherd's class. Partly because all of the boys had it at the same time, partly because Mr. Shepherd taught in a way that Gary enjoyed, and partly for the content itself. Gary became enthralled by the grandeur and sincerity of the texts they read. Some of that is due to Mr. Shepherd putting effort into making the material interesting and engaging for Gary, which most teachers never tried to do.

8) Gary's experience in Mr. Shepherd's class contributed to his occasional use of fancy antiquated words as an adult, despite a lack of general knowledge about literature (The Three Musketeers, King Arthur, etc).

9) Steve and Gary made each other a few mixtapes. Sometimes they’d play them in The Beast while hanging out with the guys, but sometimes they’d listen for the first time at home and talk about it the next day at school.

10) Gary and Andy had a tradition of eating their Halloween candy together. When they got too old for trick-or-treating, they would buy themselves cookies, as well as take the leftovers of what their parents had bought for trick-or-treaters.

11) I believe that Gary had a soft spot for Peter. I mean, really, he calls him the baby of the group! Some of Gary's opening narration implies that he didn't care that much about Pete, but heck, when is Gary honest about his feelings! I think that, over time, young Gary saw glimpses of Pete feeling truly comfortable. He realized that Peter rarely let his personality shine through. So, Gary was really happy whenever he got Peter to let loose and have fun.

12) Young Gary admired Andy a lot. Andy had goals he worked towards (ie rugby and law school) and didn't conceal his emotions as much as Gary did. In Gary's eyes, Andy was just overflowing with ambition and heart. Gary envied that. However, they got along so well that Gary could never dislike Andy. Their humor, values, and personalities matched perfectly, and they had years of happy memories...Gary couldn't help but adore him. So, though Gary called himself the leader, Andy inspired him so much that Gary sometimes felt like he was the one following Andy.

13) Gary has a habit of falling in love with a specific subject--main example being The Sisters of Mercy. However, his first topic ever was Egyptology. It began with picture books when he was a little kid. By the time Gary was in his early teens, Egyptology no longer gripped him like it used to, but he still found joy in anything ancient Egypt-related. He happened upon the ankh and winged goddess necklaces at a store and instantly bought them. Oliver called dibs on getting Gary an Eye of Ra necklace for his birthday, much to the annoyance of Andy, Peter, and Steve.

14) The Golden Mile was also a topic Gary fell in love with. He researched each bar, picking up information about the town in general as he went along. Gary keeps remnants of his favorite subjects, because they always have a special meaning to him, even if he's not especially interested in them anymore. Keeping the map and occasionally testing his memory of the order of the bars was a self-comfort thing for him.

15) One Halloween, Gary and Andy bought a mix for cupcakes and tried to bake them...then royally fucked up. Gary was bad at the math, Andy got frustrated trying to find kitchenware, and they were both distracted by joking around. Laughing at their mistakes only worsened the baking situation. They made up for it by eating all the frosting.

Thank you for sending me this ask!!! I may have gotten a little bittersweet with some of these, but with The World's End that's basically inevitable lol

#albossharuland #<-- aka Super Cool Person #the world's end #the worlds end #gary king #peter page #steven prince #andy knightley #guy shepherd #mr shepherd #andy & gary #blood and ice cream #aka #cornetto trilogy #gary & peter #gary & steven #the blank musketeers #pyra speaks

[raisedbythetv89]

Do teen girls especially - but also just kids in general - steal because they lack empathy and it’s a way to rebel or are they never taught what a sense of ownership over something feels like because we’re conditioned at such a young age that our bodies aren’t ours to do what we want with and nothing we “own” is really ours?

Girls are conditioned from such a young age that our bodies only exist for the enjoyment of men and to have children and we have no autonomy over our own bodies (don’t cut your hair short, don’t get too bulky, cover up, don’t be a slut, don’t make other people feel bad even if they hurt you, no you can’t have a hysterectomy you’re too young and you’re not married, men don’t like a lot of tattoos or piercings, you have to be “healthy” aka fit the beauty standards to be valued and taken seriously, men don’t like smart women, men don’t like women who make more money than them, THE LIST GOES ON AND ON) and that we need to be mature and nurturing so we HAVE to share everything with everyone no matter what (toys, treats you bring with you to school, your clothes - dress code literally says you don’t get a say in what you wear and what’s comfortable for you, WE DO and it’s for the sake of boys) you didn’t buy that your parents did so it’s not yours they can take it away from you at any time. As a kid everything that is “ours” is treated as communal property including ourselves. I had a teacher take my cell phone AND READ MY TEXTS in 2009.

Don’t want to hug a relative? Go to that kids birthday party or really anywhere for that matter? Give your bully a valentine? Too bad you HAVE TO and you get no say. Children are treated by society at large as communal property of the patriarchy and everything you have in your possession is a gift and a privilege so why the fuck would kids see anything else as anything other than communal property? Like you want it? TAKE IT that is what everyone else does with you so why would you not model that example set for you? (Thinking of people who get angry with you if you don’t want to share your water, gum, or chapstick if you have it in a shared space it’s OURS.)

It does seem like some parents are thankfully breaking this pattern now and empowering their children’s sense of autonomy - this post is me painting with a large brush as to what it was like being raised in the 90’s and earlier and patterns I’m noticing as I reflect on my childhood and my difficulties with boundaries as an adult and how much work it’s taking to feel ownership over my own body.

I don’t understand how we expect kids to understand ANYTHING about ownership when adults basically ensure they never get to experience that until you get a job and start making your own money basically saying you’re not allowed to own anything in our society until you participate in exploitive capitalism which is basically what is behind colonization of land and resources away from indigenous people so ya know maybe not the best system to keep upholding and raising future generations in.

#don’t mind me I’m just seeing patterns #the tism is tisming #inner child #healing journey #THE PATTERNS #hell is a teenage girl but only because being a girl is hell