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#but when im back hopefully ill be able to draw more but ill get as much done as i can 2 NITE
plulp · 8 months
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whitney (design kinda mid but its alright ill deal with it)
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its that time of year again. time for one of these things, and an update for my blog in general:
admittedly this year has been quite difficult. as i mentioned previously, im technically on hiatus. not just my blog, but ive been taking a break from much of social media in general. limiting my social media usage is something ive been doing for years, with being on it a little less and less every year, and the past few months, some might have noticed i've hardly been online at all. the loss of connections is something id always been afraid of when doing this, but even with being very selective with my followings and friends, being online is just terrible for me unless im at peak mental health... resulting in a lot less art from me this year. ive been focusing on and getting into a lot more irl hobbies since
regardless, its good to look at what ive been able to accomplish. ive always considered colors to my the main drawing point of my art, so i was sort of beating myself up prior to compiling this because i knew i had done very little colored art this year. but turns out id just been subconsciously shifting my focus on improving other things. this year marked a lot of new things; much greater focus on linework, drawing in scene, storytelling, and texture. all of those are things id been meaning to improve on for years, so im actually very glad to see the improvement and shift in artstyle!
hopefully ill get back to being more active here as the weather gets warmer. ive been wanting to make new merch now that im retiring so much stuff in my shop, so stay tuned for that when i return >:]
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skinnytuna · 11 months
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I really really like that long post you did about making art. especially: 'i have somehow convinced myself that, if i maybe try a little bit, not exceptionally hard, but only a little bit, maybe i will somehow magically be good enough and worthy of critical praise.'
I spend all my time thinking about the beautiful or ""groundbreaking"" things I would make but no time actually doing it. and then when I attempt to create something the actual discomfort of physically drawing, writing or even coding is so unlike the idealised version in my brain that I have to stop because it is so frustrating. I wish I could be the sort of person who decides to spend hours upon hours perfecting a craft. but I just cant. weirdly I've come to terms with it. theres a whole world of art that exists just for me in my head. maybe one day ill be able to translate it into reality. but for now, im just going to be happy with the dual presence of my shitty real art and my lovely art thats just for me.
(also: I dont think your posts are lacking. the way you use language is unexpected and hilarious. I like it a lot.)
we should have a word for the terminal need for validation but lack of any and all discipline ... seems like a relatively new phenomena. i'm considering the strong possibility that it's a widespread result as the death of the "hobby"... however many years ago i imagine it was normal to just do something for yourself, because you love doing it. in fact i see a lot of my friends parents still doing stuff such as this.
i have a lot of friends whose dads make eps and albums for fun. for them only. no wishing on a star for it to blow up overnight. none of that. security in the quality of it. security in how far it probably won't reach. now that security, of course, could just come with age. but i suspect there's a generational parasite.
we were all raised with Numbers. the follower count, the like count, these are burned into our psyche. a neurosis coiled tightly around an objective metric of validation. a handful of years ago such a neurosis couldn't even exist! and it especially couldn't exist in a matter of seconds or minutes. your value as a person is a pair of dice that you roll and you snatch them back the moment you see snake eyes. almost all of the amateur art, music, writing we are exposed to has a number right under it. you don't get to evaluate it yourself. there is immediately a pavlovian connection, i like this thing, this thing has this number attached to it, if i can get a number like that i'm worthy of coexisting with this thing.
there's an almost instant dissociation between the craft, the skill, the time, and the FRUIT. what you get back. we are almost trained to care more about how popular something is than how good it is. not like, hollywood productions, or Columbia Records' chart topping album by a thirty something with A&R parents, but how popular someone just like you is on the internet. a plausible professional with a twitter account who draws whatever they want. someone you could relate to. someone you could be.
but because you want the numbers you skip the learning... you make something and put it out. and you keep doing this. your learning is public, your honing of the craft is documented before an audience of hopefully thousands. and you see what they respond to. and their responses steer the direction of your learning. you never have an opportunity to make something shitty. make something no one likes. experiment. you just keep feeding the computer. and it works until the point where you want to do something else, or something real, or something better, or something serious, and realize you don't know how. and you're like Fuck Shit why did I hustle instead of learning in peace.
but of course this is all by design. the numbers can't teach themselves more numbers if you doodle in your sketchbook and don't show anyone. i'm not sure if it was ever a specific person's idea to make everyone's entire life a performance, but whoever engineered it did a damn fine job. takes a sledgehammer to break out of. oh well ! in a few generations i'm sure all of our skin will have glare dampeners evolved specifically to vlog better with. and everyone will have forgotten what it's like to do something in your room, by yourself, because you like to do it
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ask-rw-dark-au · 4 months
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Hello, you don't really need to answer this ask. I just enjoy your blog and well, idn, I just want to give a little bit of advice/encouragement. I'm bad with words, specially in English, which is not my first language, please don't take this as an insult or offense, I really tried to just come here in friendly terms (terms? That's how you said it? Idn 😅)
What I wanted to say it's, whatever you do in any fandom it's always best to do it for intrinsic motivators, specially if the fandoms are small. Having engament it's great, I'm a fanfic writer, I know that feeling of seeing any comment in my stories, but I learned long ago that I must do things for myself, for my personal enjoyment and fulfilment.
Don't get me wrong, i enjoy your blog, you will probably figure out who I am bc I'm gonna reblog stuff lmao but you know, do this for your own personal happiness, not to seek engament. I have stories from 2013 and even 2015 that to this day have no comments but I'm fine with it. I really enjoyed writing them and I'm proud of them, even if they have almost no engament at all, I wouldn't delete them for any reason <3
What I try to say it's try to not seek motivation in extrinsic motivators like engament and just do it to have fun! Do it for you, not expecting attention, but to just have fun and feel nice inside. Do gender bend, play with sexuality and relationships, explore and come out with new designs and lore, and enjoy it fully. Don't be afraid to take breaks if you need and come back when you feel like yeah, I wanna have fun with this again! I may be shooting myself in the foot since I'm saying dude take a break if you need, that it's totally fine, even tho I wnana see more of your ideas, but seriously, your personal enjoyment comes first :D
So yeah, have fun, ignore the haters and all that people that don't get what Au means can go live under a rock ;v
Have a nice day/night 😘
thank you so much for the ask !!!!! im answering it so other people can see since i think this is a really really good message,,,
i do my best to do things for my own enjoyment, and i do absolutely LOVE this au and i love making it :3333
however, ive always struggled with doing things i enjoy because of how often its ignored by friends, family, ect, so im prone to forgetting even though it was enjoyable
engagement helps me remember it exists, helps me get new ideas, and mostly helps me know that its worth posting to places. i dont enjoy doing things when nobody knows it exists, and although im not sure why, its kinda just how it goes for me idk man SHGSSGD
ive been taking breaks periodically throughout winter break, and thats why i usually answer asks in short bursts since it means they all build up and then i can answer them all at once :3 i get myself hyped to answer and then i can and it works pretty well for me,,,
fr man i think. i think that "au" is a bigpart of the "ask rw dark au"
sure, just about nothing in this au is the same as canon, but thats. thats the point of an au im just silly like that !!!!!!
ive been working on not relying on engagement to enjoy things, ive been getting better about it and i have been able to make things just because i like them
idk if it makes sense or not, but sometimes it feels like i shouldnt enjoy something when nobody else does or seems to, you know? ive struggled with people pleasing for years as well as having problems with adhd / anxiety (unmedicated) making it difficult for me to kinda just. do things guh
im not saying this bc i disagree because i dont at all i completely agree with what youre saying and i do genuinely appreciate this !!!!!
im working on getting better abt it and i think im going to delete the reblog post soon just because i dont really think its worth it, hopefully if i just keep answering asks and making designs and drawing these silly creatures ill be able to get past the worry that people dont like it and just start posting because i like it !!!
thank you so much !!!!!!!
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vhvrs · 12 days
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6, 15, 16 for the fandom ask (for any fandom you are currently in or want to talk about) :3
ty ty ty :3c
answering these under the cut since the images r kindve long...
6) Show us a bit of a WIP!
most of my art wips i think ive shared or are incomprehensible messes but ig this counts - currently doing wip brainstorming for potential merch lineup (charms in this case) for a VERY potential con n hopefully online sales bc id love to get back into that... i have others but these r the only ones ill share mainly bc i can use this as an opportunity to gauge the actual interest lmao
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since this is an art AND fic ask game heres wips of the only fic im kinda working on (miami rick/reader)
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15) Have you noticed your style change over time?
definitely! in two different ways i suppose:
when i first draw things i tend to get trapped in more... realism n an inability to stylize n its a process i repeat every new fandom i go into until i get comfortable enough to draw the stylized versions?? idk if this is noticeable to others, but its very noticeable to me haha
on a similiar note i think over time ive just grown more comfortable leaning into stylized or cartoonish art - this was originally an active process when i was like. fresh adult bc i didnt like my art at the time but i think abt ten yrs later ive hit a point where im able to draw more than the same face over n over. or i hope so lol. i have shapes i repeat a lot but ive been able to draw a lot of things n make them work in my style in ways i just couldnt b4.
i believe all art styles have a lineart + color combo that fits it n i think ive found mine! but ive also learned to be comfortable in being inconsistent n wildly different :3
ig tldr old art drop. i feelive gotten to a point w my art i can get close to what im seeing in my head lol
2016 -> 2022
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2016 -> 2023
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2018 -> 2023
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fic wise i think ive gotten more floral to overdescriptive lately due to older feedback from also a decade ago abt it being hard to decipher what was going on sometimes. ill reread old fics n be impressed by my ability to cut to the chase lmao. i need to find a better middle ground...
16) Do people irl know you participate in fandom?
yep! i both have a what ud call special interest in fandom culture & then pretty much uh do not do anything else so it makes my only hobby fandom -> ppl know. i dont really talk or hang out w ppl irl but like i was raised by and around nerds so i dont try to hide it haha. i have infodumped fandom bs at former coworkers too... its a curse. fandom is too much of my life for ppl irl to be able to NOT know
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lucitrius · 2 years
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hello lucitrius nation how we doin
i have mistakenly decided to scroll through my ask box right before going to sleep so i am now very sappy over all the extremely nice messages you guys have left me that i havent posted (partially bc some of them have requests attached that i havent done, partially bc i like being able to scroll through them in the inbox) so for all the compliments that have gone unposted thus far, thank you so very much. they mean so so much to me, more than you might realize :)
and speaking of the untouched requests, id love to get back to them sometime and hopefully start clearing out my inbox, but itll take me awhile. i havent been drawing consistently, aka i draw like twice every few months, in a year i think now! oops. ive got some mental stuff to work on that i have not begun working on because i keep forgetting between school and work. im trying to get back into drawing more often (shout out to my book at work bc i can just act like im writing down job stuff when actually i am drawing teehee), so if i can manage, ill try to use some old requests as sketch fodder. hopefully the people who sent requests many months ago will finally be appeased :”)
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saeyoungs-angel · 2 years
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⨳​ nausea — naruto
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starring. kakashi & you
plot. you get sick but kakashi's there for you.
genre. fluff, sickfic
cw. mentions of sickness, vomiting (not detailed), cussing
notes. im not ecstatic with this one but im proud that its longer than my previous things, wrote it cause i was feelin ill lol hope u like it and sorry for no post yesterday, this was in the works <3
likes, reblogs, and comments are always appreciated! <3
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𓆩☆𓆪
nausea shrouds your abdomen in another wave of pain, forcing you to throw yourself out of bed and into the dimly lit bathroom of kakashi's apartment complex. if you had known you'd get sick this weekend, you would've stayed home as to not help it spread.
alas, your overprotective partner made you promise to stay put before he left this morning, stating that as soon as he's back he'll pamper the hell out of you like you deserve. that was an hour ago, tears now pricking your eyes as your stomach does unbearable twists just to spite you.
you draw in a breath, cursing yourself as hunger gnaws at your thoughts; nausea doesn't make eating ideal, after all. groaning softly, you use the rest of your strength to make a quick trip to the kitchen, hoping to discover something small yet tasty.
rummaging through the fridge, you grow irritated at the sickly feeling crawling up your spine. irritated that you can't shake it, irritated that it had to be you, and even more irritated that it had to be in kakashi's apartment of all places.
you just felt so, gross and icky, you hated the idea of him coming home to this. shoving your thoughts away, you spot a small container of your favorite ice cream tucked in the back of the freezer. if you won't be able to keep it down, might as well eat what you want, right?
as you reach for the drawer containing utensils, the doorknob jiggles down the hall. you wait a moment, stunned that your lover could be home so soon, let alone to find you angrily raiding his kitchen. once you hear the creak of the front door accompanied by the gentle slam that comes after, your mood skyrockets.
the ice cream is sadly forgotten as you dart for kakashi in desperate need of comfort. your eyes light up at the sight of him when you round the corner, messy hair and mask included, before you notice him facing the door.
his keys clank as he attempts to lock it, and without warning you stumble into his taller frame, tightly wrapping your arms around his torso from the back. you hear a noise of shock escape him at the sudden affection.
“missed you..” you mumble, words muffled by the fabric of his t-shirt. kakashi glances over his shoulder in worry before extracting the key from it's slot, placing it on the hook beside his head as quick as he can. he loosens your grip on him, worrying him further as he feels how weak you've become.
“are you feeling alright?” his words are as soft as they can be, yet you glare up at him once he shifts to face you in your arms. he returns your glare with a pout, though if you weren't as close as you are, you wouldn't be able to tell with his mask covering half his features.
you bury your head back into his chest, tightening your grip on him as he sways you both side to side soothingly. gently rubbing your back, guilt begins to seep into his thoughts at your somewhat lethargic behavior.
“if i'd known it was this bad, i wouldn't have left. you know it hurts me to see you upset, (y/n).” regret laces his voice as you immediately speak up to shut it down.
“ah-ah! things like me just being sick shouldn't hinder your everyday tasks, we've talked about this..” your face holds a playfully stern look before it twists into painfully furrowed brows. you swiftly release your boyfriend, dashing straight for the restroom.
you register him call your name, rather disquiet about your actions. hopefully he doesn't tail me is all you can think, lurching above the toilet with a hand preventing your hair from getting in the way.
after the bout of sickness diminishes, you decide to brush your teeth due to the awful texture coating your tastebuds. as you go to spit, a knock resounds on the bathroom door.
“baby..? open up.” the delicacy in his words doesn't go unnoticed, your lips twitching upward at the thought of him so worried over something so simple.
in silence, you reach over and unlock the door, toothbrush still brushing away. you glance at your lover to find his mask has been removed and a gentle smile rests on his face, shutting the door behind him.
you rinse out your mouth with water, finally placing the toothbrush back where it belongs when you notice what kakashi carries with him.
“is that..?”
“the necklace you couldn't stop thinking about? yeah, it is.” his answer is nonchalant with a chuckle following suit, yet the blush that creeps on your cheeks insinuates that the sweet gesture is nothing short of unexpected.
you watch in adoration as he separates the minute set of silver chains from the box it came in, eyes flickering to meet yours a couple times. is he nervous?
wordlessly, he sets the box onto the counter in front of you before placing the necklace around your neck gracefully, his own cheeks now tinted slightly pink.
“kakashi i—”
he cuts you off, offering you a small pill bottle adorning a pale child-safe cap.
“i also got you some medicine.. its suppose to help with nausea but its said to make you sleepy, so i figured we could take a nap or something. i may have gotten you a teddy bear, too...” the last sentence is hushed, but you hear it nonetheless.
your eyes begin to water as your love for the man behind you cannot grow anymore. that whole time he was away this morning, was for you?
in a burst of positive emotions, you spin around to face him with a smile and happy tears.
“hey, why are you—” before he can assure you theres no reason to cry, you embrace him as tightly as you can. you know your words will fail you if you try and get your affection across that way, so actions are second best right?
kakashi says nothing but gently runs a hand through your hair, praying that the smile you wore meant all good things.
you pull back ever-so-slightly, just enough to take in his beautiful features without a mask. you knew he removed it in hopes of cheering you up, so of course you had to savor it. with sore cheeks from the intensity of your grin, you connect your lips with his.
it isn't often you can kiss him without having to pull his mask down, and now is a perfect time to say thank you. the kiss is slow and delicate, almost as if kakashi was afraid to push further, worried for your sick and fragile frame.
you pull away abruptly, slapping a palm across your mouth, mumbling;
“shit, i probably just got you sick.”
𓆩☆𓆪
feedback is extremely meaningful!
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xlbrh · 3 years
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Genshin Impact - Small things they do to show their love
notes : so i’ve been trying to think of an idea for a long story to write for one of the characters, but i’ve been having a little bit of trouble :( if anyone has any suggestions i’d love to hear them! hopefully i’ll be able to come out with an introduction or something soon 
in the meantime i wrote this up, so i hope that you guys enjoy!
Genshin Masterlist
warnings : none
format : bulleted, headcanons. fluff
pairings : diluc, kaeya, childe, zhongli, xiao, albedo, aether x gn! reader
word count : 1426
everything under the cut-
Diluc:
during your nightly walks around mondstadt, he notices how chills can rack your body, especially when the wind blows
he’ll remove his jacket and drape it around your form, no matter how much you may protest
sometimes his arms will circle around your waist, drawing you towards him in an effort toto keep you warm until you get home
if you’ve been out adventuring close to the dawn winery, he’d invite you to the manor to share a meal or drink, whichever you’d like
whatever you desire, he’ll see to it that you receive it – most of the time he wouldn’t even ask you due to how well he can read you and your actions
when you try to refuse his offers, he’ll tell you ‘just let me look after you, my love’  
when you come to visit him in the angel’s share, he always has a seat ready just for you
he’ll keep a blanket and some books under the bar, since he knows how you like to curl up in the corner, engrossed in your reading
if you’d like he’ll come and sit with you for a short while, bringing a drink of your choice over while you tell each other about your day
Kaeya:
kaeya is the kind of man to call you every pet name under the sun
whether it be sweetheart, darling, love etc. he loves to use these types of names for you frequently, as a form of affection
he loves your reactions to them, especially when your cheeks flare up and you turn away out of shyness – he finds it extremely endearing
he would offer to train you in swordsmanship, regardless of whether you can already wield a sword or not
he likes to not only see your strength grow, but also offer you a way to protect yourself since he cannot be with you at all times
kaeya takes pride in the training sessions you have, after all they give him another reason to spend even more time with you
he loves for you guys to have matching things, no matter how small they may be 
for example, he’ll buy you a bracelet to wear, one that matches with one on his own wrist as well
jokingly he once bought you an eyepatch to match his, but he finds it sweet but hilarious when you’ll wear it around him sometimes
Childe:
since this man is a literal walking wallet, he has no problem with spoiling you with gifts
whether that be a necklace you’ve had your eye on, a new shirt because you ripped yours in battle, or a book he knows is the next in the series you enjoy
when asking him why he leaves you so many small gifts, his response is just ‘well, because i love you, of course!’
if you ever get hurt during a battle, he’ll be the first to help you
whether that be taking down the enemies if you haven’t already, or tending to the wounds you’ve received
he’d work with utmost caution, wrapping each wound gently and finishing them off with a kiss on top
when strolling the streets of liyue together, childe ensures that your body is connected to his one way or another at all times
whether that be intertwining your hands together, an arm loosely wrapped around your waist, or stopping to give you a brief peck on the forehead
he has no qualms in showing the public that you’re his – something he makes you well aware of
Zhongli:
he knows you love when he tells you stories of his past and the history of liyue, and he enjoys telling you about them
he finds the childlike wonder in your eyes adorable as he tells you tales of adepti and archons alike
zhongli will try his best to make them as entertaining as possible for you – drawing you in with every word he uttered
he likes to play with your hair, and for you to do the same to him
if you have longer hair you can guarantee he’d be braiding and styling your hair in all different ways, adorning it with hairpins he’d purchase for you
if your hair is on the shorter side then he’d love to run his fingers through, stroking your hair and massaging your scalp until you fall asleep with your head against his chest
if there is anything in particular that you take a big interest in, zhongli will try his best to research around it – even though he probably has the knowledge anyways
he wants to be able to talk to you about things you’re interested in, as well as share in the enjoyment that you get from it
he would leave small notes to you when he can’t always be around you, sometimes with small facts he learned of
Xiao:
he would for sure watch over you if you ever go on a long adventure, no matter what other duties he may have to attend to
expect to see a good few hilichurl and treasure hoarder camps abandoned thanks to his interference
‘anything to ensure your safety’, he thinks
some nights, when his duties have been fulfilled early, he’ll try his hand at preparing a meal for you to share
of course nothing especially fancy! After all he doesn’t have to eat himself – its all for your enjoyment
if he struggles he’d probably reach out to verr goldet some help
just imagine him setting a small picnic up on the wangshu inn rooftop iM WEAK
once xiao finally becomes accustomed to physical contact, he’d make an effort to hold your hand a lot more often
lightly squeezing it or tracing shapes with his thumb every now and again
if you’re lucky he way even take his gloves off – just to feel that warmth from his hand can be very comforting indeed
Albedo:
you’re literally the only person he will listen to when he is engrossed in his experiments
as we know he tends to block out the rest of the world when he is deep in though
but as soon as he hears your voice of concern asking if he’ll take a break to eat, you wanna bet he’ll be leaving his office in an instant to join you for lunch
he does the exact same for you when you’re hard at work, so he appreciates the way you always look after him
when out looking for more specimens to analyse, he stumbles across his fair share of flowers
of course he knows which are your favourites – he knows everything about you, after all – so he’ll be sure to pick some to bring home to you
when giving them to you, he mentions ‘well, they reminded me of you, so i thought you’d like them’
if you ever get ill for some reason, albedo becomes your personal doctor
he’ll spend hours preparing serums and medicines for you to alleviate your pain – but will never let you out of his sight while doing so
he’ll ask noelle if she can fix up some food for you in the meantime, since at every free opportunity he’s sat at your bedside, hand in yours as he whispers words of comfort to you
Aether:
aether is always ready to make you something to eat whenever you’d like!
he for sure has a small section of his brain dedicated to learning of recipes that he knows you enjoy, no matter how simple or complicated they may be
will make sure that you always have some lunch ready to take with you wherever you go, even if it means he had to wake up early and travel halfway across teyvat to bring it to you
he will bring you back numerous treasures from his travels
sometimes he’ll ask the locals in whichever area he’s in if they can craft the raw materials into something that you can treasure
there would be a shelf in your room specifically for aether’s gifts, where he’ll occasionally point to each one and tell you the story of how it made it’s way back to you
he makes sure to let you know how grateful he is to have you by his side
every time you do something for him, no matter how small it may be, he’ll thank you and let you know how much you mean to him
when on his travels he makes sure to write letters and send them home to you – just because he’s far away doesn’t mean he’s not still thinking about you
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technowoah · 3 years
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THESEUS - a dsmp story ( DreamSMP x Queen!Reader)
CHAPTER FOUR : LOOK ‘EM IN THE EYE AIM NO HIGHER, SUMMON ALL THE COURAGE YOU REQUIRE THEN COUNT!
Chapter Summary: Wilbur makes a proposition, Tommy finally gets his fight, warning shots are fired and the bomb that was planted finally went off.
pairing: c!wilbur x queen!reader
an// tbh im not that happy with this one, I hope yall like it! but hopefully Ill like chapter 6 lol
⚠︎ swearing, dsmp spoliers(?), angst, fighting, minor blood mention, not proofread. Y/N/N = your nickname
word count: 5.1k
THESEUS MASTERLIST 
"Are you sure you want to do this because Tommy is a good fighter!"
"He's also good at being annoying, so you'll die either way."
"SHUT UP YOU TWO!" 
Currently Tommy and You were by a small lake in L'Manburg facing each other with swords and guns. Fundy and Tubbo were belittling Tommy on the sidelines. Tubbo was trying to convince the both of them not to do this so they wouldn't get hurt badly before the actual war begins. Wilbur was standing in between the two and Eret nervously standing off to the side with Tubbo and Fundy.
When You arrived you explained to the three people who were there, Tubbo, Fundy, and Wilbur, that Tommy and you were going to fight that day. Tubbo and Fundy were not for that idea at all, but Wilbur approved it. After a while of thinking and conversation of course he agreed. 
Eret and Tommy arrived at L'Manburg as well and apparently Tommy already told Eret that he was fighting his wife.
"You know what Eret? I'm gonna fight your wife today! Yeah it'll be a good fight, don't worry I wont hurt her that badly."
Of course Eret did not want this duel to happen and tried to convince Wilbur to not let the two do this to one another. He was concerned about the task and hand yes, but You getting hurt or even worse, killed was not a thing he wanted not needed. Tommy was a loose cannon, he worked on impulse. You were basically fighting a bull while wearing all red.
Wilbur had pulled You aside for the second time this week and started to have a conversation with you again. It was a needed conversation so when Wilbur grabbed her arm.and pulled her away you didn't hesitate this time. As the two talked in the distance you heard Fundy yelling at Tommy about the dangers of fighting You at a time like this. Your mind was all over the place at this point.
"You know how this works?" Wilbur looked at You and Tommy.
"Yes!"
"Yes I do"
You knew what was going to happen. They both had 6 bullets in their gun, if they use all of their bullets they can use their swords instead. You were in your head at this moment. Wilbur was explaining how this duel would work to Tubbo, while You contemplated whether to waste youshot by shooting in the sky or aiming at Tommy's foot. you didn't want to hurt him at all, they had a war coming soon so hurting Tommy would not help L'Manburg. Then again, when was helping L'Manburg a part of your mission?
You snapped out of your mind and saw Tommy glaring daggers at her. He looked harmless.
"I am going to beat you." Tommy said in a voice that can be only compared to a robot.
"You wish!" You scoffed and smiled, smiled which made Tommy scoff and look away.
Wilbur spoke over the two, "ALRIGHT! You two will be back to back facing away from each other, then take ten paces. When I say "fire" you two will fire and shoot and fight until one is damaged and cannot battle anymore or until I call a draw. Understand?"
"Yes Wilbur!" Tommy exclaimed.
"Of course." You calmly said.
"Alright" Wilbur agreed and motioned for the two to turn away from each other. 
They had both touched backs and You had taken a huge deep breath. 
The dilemma in your head was still spinning. Whether to shoot him or to shoot into the air. you would be a coward wouldn't you?
"You scared?" Tommy taunted you.
"No. Just getting ready to beat your ass."
"HA! That's not gonna happen. You're all talk." 
"We'll see about that." Wilbur spoke, inserting himself into their conversation.
Wilbur had stepped back towards the group of men who sat and were watching the whole duel. There was tension in the air, they all could feel it. They all thought this was a bad idea, You thought this was a bad idea. What if this tore the whole plan apart will they ever get to-
"READY? ONE!"
They both took a step.
Aim to the sky or aim towards Tommy?
"TWO!"
Where would you aim?
"THREE!"
What would happen if Tommy ended up dead?
"FOUR!"
Would Dream be happy?
"FIVE!"
If you aim towards the sky. Tommy might shoot. you would be an open target.
"SIX!"
It would be over right? If you aim at the sky?
"SEVEN!"
Tommy.
"EIGHT!"
Up in the air.
"NINE!"
How can this end?
The sky? Tommy? Where does the bullet go?
Where do you go?
"NUMBER TEN PACES, FIRE!"
*bang!*
Tommy's eyes widened and You stood my ground.
"She shot her pistol towards the sky?!" Tubbo shouted.
Wilbur stood there with a smirk and Eret let out a sigh of relief and immediately relaxed. Tommy didn't shoot his gun at all; he looked like a deer caught in the headlights. This was the right way.
-----------------
"I want you to shoot into the sky." Wilbur had taken you to an uninhabited part of the wall to talk.
"Why?"
Wilbur had sighed and looked over to where Tommy was gloating to Eret about dueling his wife.
He pinched the bridge of his nose, "Tommy is rather impulsive. He does things without thinking or with any concern for consequence. He says things without thinking too, as you've seen firsthand."
You nodded and laughed before Wilbur kept talking.
"I want him to hesitate. I want him to think for once. I know he wants to fight right now, he's riled up because of the battle. I expect him to shoot, but I hope that he won't. He won't." Wilbur seemed to be convincing himself this was a good idea.
"That's reassuring." You replied sarcastically.  
Wilbur rolled his eyes, "I believe he won't kill you nor harm you. At least that's the plan. I care for him. He's a good fighter and he should be able to see his opponent before going all ape shit." 
"I get it. I want to do this, but you said he works on impulse. What if he shoots?" You continued to worry.
"I'm here. And uh- Fundy is great at healing. We have healing potions in the van as well. You will not die on my watch. We need you for the war."
You nodded and continued to stare into Wilbur's brown eyes waiting for another comment from his mouth.
"Do this for me please? For us?"
You opened your mouth to speak, but Wilbur sighed before continuing his statement, 
"You don't have to do this. I should've said that first. I understand that death is scary, believe me I don't want to die either. So I can figure out another way to get to Tommy if you are uncomfortable with this."
This time it wasn't a forced situation. He was literally giving you a huge way out, an open path, but you already agreed to fight before. It wasn't like you were put into this without paths to take. you had options. Now that potions were involved and there are spectators that can act as doctors eased your nerves just slightly. you can do this.
"Or were you planning on shooting Tommy anyways?" 
--------------
You looked towards Wilbur and smiled warmly at him and he returned your same smile.
"WHAT THE FUCK?! YOU MADE ME LOOK LIKE THE BAD GUY! YOU-"
 "I didn't even call it a draw yet Tommy. You can still fight-" 
"It's clear that my opponent doesn't want this. If I did, I would be more of a bad guy than I already am now." Tommy dropped his gun to the green grass underneath his feet. 
You followed suit, dropping your gun onto the grass below you. You walked towards Tommy trying to find the right words at this moment. He had his head hung low looking at the gun that laid in the lush grass in front of him. You had walked towards him and put a hand on his shoulder and he began to tense up at the friendly gesture.
"Tommy, you're not a bad guy. You did the right thing at that moment. You're neutral really, if you would've shot me then yeah you would be considered "the bad guy". But in reality, there is no such thing as good or bad, there are just people with different morals." You whispered that last part and Tommy seemed to reluctantly understand, still sticking to his main idea of him being a bad guy. 
He was really stubborn, which made it harder for you to make him feel better.
"This is what I wanted Tommy! I wanted you to hesitate before you shot her." Wilbur tried to pick his spirits up by revealing his plan.
"THEN WHAT IF I SHOT HER?!" 
"you would've been fine. Plus you weren't going to brutally damage or kill Y/N right?"
Tommy stuttered a little bit before speaking, explaining himself.
"No I wasn't! My goal was at least to scare her, or graze you with my bullet." Tommy rushed.
"What if you slipped up and hit Y/N instead?" Tubbo came into the conversation leading Fundy and Eret with him.
"Then I would feel incredibly horrible that I hurt an ally." Tommy said while hanging his head. "I understand, Wilbur, I understand what today's duel was for." Tommy continued.
"To be honest, this was a last minute decision! I talked to Y/N before and we both decided it was a good idea for you. Especially when a war is coming up."
"Mhm. I am okay now. I've learned, and I just hope that I can transfer this into the war." Tommy seemed relieved, but also not wanting to learn his lesson. It was bad to assume, but it sounded like he wanted to get this lecture over with.
Wilbur humed while turning away satisfied with what happened today. He walked towards the HTO van with Fundy following suit leaving Tommy and you standing next to each other still recovering from what just happened. Eret and Tubbo were standing a few feet away from them making small glances to the two making sure they are okay.
"I still hate you." Tommy grumbled.
-----------------
The five citizens were sitting in the meeting room making potions with the brewing machines or doing their own thing at the moment. Wilbur didn't have anything planned for today except for making many potions for battle. You were helping with potions as well. you were more skilled at potion making than battle. you can hold yourself down and maybe kill someone, but you don't recommend for herself to do that.
"Wow Y/N/N you're making potions so much faster than I am. Teach me your secrets!" Tubbo exclaimed.
"What did you call me?" You asked The boy softly.
"What do you mean? I called you Y/N/N." Tubbo said, confused.
Has Dream ever called you Y/N/N before because it seems like you've never been called that before. Tubbo was still looking quizzically at you waiting for an answer.
"I don't think I've been called Y/N/N before." You answered.
"Y/N might be uncomfortable with that." Wilbur joined into their conversation.
"Oh! I'm sorry! If that made you-"
"I'm okay! You can call me Y/N/N'' You said while waving your hands to dismiss the situation.
"Good! I thought I was being a creep or something." Tubbo laughed.
"Y/N/N HELP ME OUT WITH THESE POTIONS WILL YA?" Tommy shouted from across the room.
"Okay you don't get to call me Y/N/N." 
Tommy huffed, "If my best friend can call you Y/N/N I will too!"
"Okay children settle down." Eret said while looking up from the book he was writing.
There was another pause until Fundy had spoken.
"Today seemed like a good day huh? Even though it isn't over so far, so good eh?" Fundy tried making conversation after writing whatever enchantments in his book.
"Yes it was so far! Very surprising today." Tubbo agreed with Fundy.
"Tommy and You gave me a heart attack today. I wouldn't consider this a good day so far." Eret exhaled jokingly. He seemed in good spirits today.
"I'm sorry I gave my husband a heart attack." You taunted.
"But seriously that scared me. Thank goodness nothing happened to the both of you. I wouldn't know what I would do." Eret continued.
"You would live." You said bluntly, staring at him. 
Eret nodded at you, sending a small smile your way.
"You would've been a good fighter. Have you fought before?" Fundy inquired.
"I have fought before! I've been trained as well, I'm more into the sneaky side of things, and making potions like I am now." You cheerfully explained.
"Sneaky things?" Wilbur asked.
Your eyes widened slightly before maintaining your composure. you forgot that Wilbur was still on youtail. He thinks that You is still suspicious, so of course when you said that he would jump on the opportunity to interrogate her.
"You could be a spy for us! Maybe spy on Dream and George!" Tubbo exclaimed.
Oh the irony.
Wilbur hummed, "Maybe, that would be interesting. We could get information and they wouldn't turn her down."
"It would be too late anyways if they've seen you here so it would be a major red flag if you showed up there trying to join their team." Eret spoke up, still concentrating on writing enchantments with Fundy.
Thank God that Eret was here, You would be stumbling for the right words and then eventually blowing their cover. you had this happen too many times. They are almost to the end you have to pull back.
"True. You're right!" Wilbur agreed. "Plus we've been more productive since you two came back."
Eret and you both nodded in agreement and went back to doing their tasks.
Tubbo and You were standing together on one side of the room making potions and talking to one another until Tubbo made a quiet gasp. 
You looked at him and followed his line of gaze until you saw them again. It was Sapnap and Dream on the top of the new, enlarged L'Manburg walls. Dream pulled back his hand and whipped something toward the van. It looked metal and shiny as it bounced harshly in the grass. 
Sapnap then pulled out a bow and arrow and Dream had set it on fire. Sapnap launched the arrow into the walls and it landed by the machine that Dream had thrown. The grass around the arrow caught on fire as well, not making a huge fire but enough to scare the two.
"WILBUR! You have a gift!" Tubbo said as he rushed out of the van and You watched carefully through the window so the two wouldn't do anything to the boy.
"Where did he go?!" Wilbur yelled.
"He went outside to grab the metal thing Dream and Sapnap threw." You said keeping an eye on Tubbo as he came back into the van.
Wilbur rushed towards the window where Aryia was stationed and looked towards the top of the wall where Dream and Sapnap were. Dream took one last final glance at the two in the window then turned away to jump down the wall with Sapnap following suit.
"Guys you might want to take a look at this." Tubbo said while placing the metal thing, which was an old answering machine, on the table.
Wilbur sighed, clearly exhausted with everything that had been going on. He sat down on the edge of the table. Tubbo pressed play on the machine and the recording started.
"Tommy, and Wilbur, and the rest of L'Man-child-burg. We are at war. There is no mercy. We have burned down Tubbo's house, we have planted TNT cannons around your land, we have cobblestone walled the outside, we have shot one warning shot inside your walls. WE HAVE NO MERCY, NO MERCY FOR YOU! We will burn down your houses! We will kill everything inside your walls and we will take back the land that is rightfully ours. If you do not surrender I WANT TO SEE WHITE FLAGS! WHITE FLAGS OUTSIDE YOUR BASE BY TOMORROW AT DAWN, OR YOU ARE DEAD!"
*beep~* 
There was a long beep until Tubbo shut off the recorded message. Everyone was silent looking at each other for the next move. Everyone either had a face of anger or one of concern. Eventually everyone turned to Wilbur who had his head down, his hair slightly covering his eyes in a thinking pose. We were waiting for a response from the leader, but it didn't seem like anyone had a response to this situation.
"Hey lets just-"
"Grab me a book and a pen" Wilbur spoke.
------------------
It's been about an hour since we last received the message. The sun has gone down and they are all still sitting around the meeting table. 
"What do we get? What's the report?" Wilbur asked.
Tommy started, "Okay so here's the situation, the ‘Dream boys' they're on the roof, they've already killed me and Tubbo once, they feel like they got their power. Their egos are up-" 
"They've taken it all." Tubbo added.
"I don't know man, what do you think we've got to do now? Ultimately you're the leader here." Tommy asked the older man.
Wilbur paused before speaking, "I think, the element of surprise is needed. We can't go in just guns blazing."
"My son, how are you doing?" Wilbur asked Fundy.
Fundy stuttered before speaking, "I could've been better."
Wilbur smiled then opened the book he had been writing in for the past hour.
"Before we go into battle though-
"WORDS OVER WEAPONS MY FRIEND!" Tommy interrupted Wilbur
"My gents and m'lady, may I read you the Declaration of Independence?" 
Wilbur had started to read through the Declaration complementing the writers who wrote lines in the book. He began reading the main parts of the book.
"When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for-"
"Wilbur" Tommy interrupted Wilbur again
"Yes what, what?" Wilbur asked annoyed
"They're surrounding us, Wilbur." 
Tommy stood up looking out of the window at the many fiery arrows making their way towards the van and making the grass around the van catch on small fires.
From inside the van it looked like rain from hell. All the fears you once had came flooding back into your mind. you put herself right in front of the greatest fighters, and assassins in the kingdom and you might not make it out alive. 
Wilbur started to head out of the door trying to face his opponents. They all were putting themselves out there exiting the van as fast as they could like a huge target. Speaking of target, an arrow shot by Sapnap landed too close for comfort next  to Wilbur. He seemed un phased at this.  
"They're not the best shot." Wilbur turned his back on the archers and stood in the doorway to the group inside.
Wilbur began to yell at the archers, "Gentlemen how are you!?" 
"Good!" Dream replied bluntly.
Surprisingly they could hear both of each other. 
"Do you like the view of our nation!?" Wilbur asked as he smirked.
"Oh God!" Tubbo exclaimed, worried because of the taunting Wilbur was doing.
"We might be a little out gunned here gentlemen." Eret said softly to the others while placing a hand on your shoulder in a comforting way.
"I thought this was a trailer park!" Dream shouted back. 
"Very funny, listen. It seems like you've gained the upper hand in people! We will meet you in the field, but on our own terms!" Wilbur concluded.
"YEAH!" Tommy shouted at the archers hyping Wilbur up.
The rest laughed at Tommy's antics trying to keep it together.
"Please stop making things worse!" Tubbo laughed.
Another arrow was shot at Wilbur's feet. He was clearly stunned by this, turning to the rest of the L'Manburgians he spoke to them.
"We armor up gents." Wilbur said, walking away.
Just as he walked away Tommy followed Wilbur outside of the van and then an arrow was shot into Tommy's bicep by George. Tommy yelled in anger and in pain, and the rest followed suit yelling in shock. Tommy clutched the arm that the arrow had found its way into, he tried to keep it together as he fell to his knees. You rushed to Tommy's side trying to take the arrow out carefully and heal him. He kept on shielding his arm away from you and kept babbling incoherent nonsense about “leaving him alone” too.
"It's okay! I'm fine! I'm fine! Don't worry!" Tommy kept shouting.
"You're not fine Tommy, let me help!" You yelled and he finally succumbed to you.
You slowly pulled out the arrow and used bandages that Eret had rushed to give you to wrap around his arm carefully. Throughout this whole process Tommy had a face of discomfort and pain until you had successfully bandaged his upper arm so no blood would seep through. Later on you would have to tend to his wounds more delicately.
"Just stay inside!" Fundy yelled in a hurried tone and was angry at the fact someone had already gotten hurt.
This would've been the outcome of the duel if you hadn't followed Wilbur's orders. Either way he would've been injured. Of course they would go for Tommy. Wilbur's right hand man. It was bound to happen. 
You and the rest of the men were clad in netherite or diamond armor and they surrounded Wilbur waiting for another order.
"Tommy I'm putting you in charge of this army." Wilbur said.
Your eyes widened. Didn't Wilbur just say he acted on impulse. This was a bad idea. you were going to die at the hands of the people who gave this opportunity to you.
Wilbur continued, "No matter what happens during this war, no matter who wins and who loses. Just remember that we're on the right side of history."
You have heard that before. What side of history was you on? They have rubbed off on you of course, but with different morals coming from both sides, whose morals do you fit with? If you die, will you be painted in the wrong manner? Are you on the right side as you stand with Eret and Fundy in L'Manburg? Is there even a right side?
"Up the walls we go!" Tommy exclaimed as the group climbed the ladder over the walls.
Your heart was pounding as Tommy led the way towards their next destination. This was going to be very interesting.
----------------
Tommy led us to the destination where the other warriors were on top of a small tower looking down on the L'Manburgians.
"God- whatever we do, don't go up the tower." Tubbo exhaled. 
"We have to get them down to our level. We have to get them to come down on their own accord." Wilbur commanded.
"Those bastards." Tommy said as an arrow made of fire was shot precisely onto the ground.
The floor began to rumble as the ground cracked and smoke began to rise beneath you revealing the red, fiery TNT that blew up from beneath them breaking the very ground and dirt they stood on making everyone lose their balance. Everyone started screaming, scrambling to get away from the constant chain of TNT slipping and falling on the debris, and the crevices that formed. You had started to run faster,and faster, sometimes you fell to your knees because of the ground shaking and breaking underneath you. You couldn’t look back but you heard screaming and you could only hope and pray no one fell into the big canyon the TNT made behind you. Your mind was not catching up your feet as you blindly followed Tommy into his own home, cutting around the whole kingdom. The rest followed close behind making their way into the house. 
Their clothes were tattered and dirty, singes from the fire were on their war uniforms and armor. As they scrambled for safety the arrows kept coming, hitting the house and the ground outside of it. You felt like this was it for you, your first friends, your enemies shooting arrows of fire at you through your so-called enemies house. You had to stay alive though, keep up the act, but right now you didn't really have to keep an act up because you were actually scared for your life.
The grass in front of Tommy's house was burning while the men gave Tommy all of their arrows. Wilbur commanded them to hail them with arrows. Arrows began burning through the walls breaking into their safe haven. To escape this situation Wibur had told all of them to scatter and make it harder for the archers to shoot them. They all did just that, playing on the defensive dodging the arrows that were hurled towards their way. 
Eventually the archers jumped off of the tower retreating towards a nearby river. The L'Manburgians currently had the high ground and You started shooting with arrows purposefully missing so you wouldn't hurt them.
"They are heading to Ponk's tower!" Tommy shouted.
You looked up to one of the highest towers in the kingdom. Damn.
"In that case we need to start heading towards Ponk's tower!" Tubbo yelled, ceasing his arrows trying to get the rest of them to follow his lead.
The men followed Tommy through his shortcuts to get to the base of Ponk's tower faster. Fundy went forward shooting at the others at the base of the tower. You, Eret, Tommy and Tubbo followed Fundy and started shooting and dodging as well. 
For now they have retreated towards the walls of L'Manburg hiding slightly below the top. Wilbur was there at first then the rest of the groups followed. The arrows couldn't reach them and the boys cheerfully pointed that fact out. Soon they had started slowly retreating as the sun went down in the distance. You sighed and cheered with the rest of the men that they finally stopped fire. Your heart still beating fast you looked behind you towards Eret sending each other a knowing glance.
The rest were cheering and complimenting each other until Eret spoke up.
"Gentlemen, I think we need to go back to our home." Eret said.
"I think you're right, Eret." Tommy agreed happily.
They made their way back to L'Manburg into the night with Tommy leading them for the last time tonight. Tommy and Wilbur were playfully bickering through the whole walk back to L'Manburg. It was a fun time filled with laughter and it was much needed after that whole war. Even though they all were beaten and tattered with burn marks and scratches, they kept smiling. It's crazy to think about.
The fun ended for you as they reached their destination. The extended walls of L'Manburg were in their sights and your heart rate picked up even more than it had before. This is the end. 
"Gentlemen in L'Manburg I have a secret weapon." Eret says, sparking a new conversation.
"What is it?" You asked playing dumb. 
"What is it?" Wilbur asked asked as well
"A secret weapon!?" Tubbo exclaimed.
"I feel like Eret is just going to pull out a giant missile." Fundy joked around and your breath hitched. If only they knew.
"But seriously, what do you mean you got a secret weapon?" Tommy spoke fast.
"I've been grinding for equipment, I've been grinding materials." Eret said not to give it away.
"Show us please!" Tommy exclaimed as they all entered L'Manburg once more today.
You joined in as well, "I haven't seen any of this show us Eret!"
You hated lying to them.
----------------
"This is the final control room for you too!" Dream yelled with excitement showing the beautiful dark room. 
The chests were empty, there was a button on top of a podium, and there was a secret room where Dream and the rest would be hiding after the war. The plan was simple enough on paper. The two countries would fight until sun down and then Eret would lead the L'Manburgians to the final control room where he would press the button and then The citizens of L'Manburg would be killed and a life would be taken from them.
Dream has taught You about the life limit. Everyone in the kingdom had three lives and if all three lives were taken, there is no coming back. you felt weary taking away someone's life.
"This is where the battle will end." Dream said calmly
Currently it was just Eret and You with Dream. Dream kept explaining the mechanics of the room while they both listened. You kept slipping in and out of your mind at the moment.
This would be the end, he said. It will all come to an end and you will finally find your place in the huge kingdom. you can finally have closure. It will all come to an end.
"You two are on the right side of history, don't worry. Cause if you do this you'll be doing the kingdom a huge favor."
----------------
"This way." Eret led the group into the final control room.
The men were astonished about the huge tunnel entrance to the room. They continue to rush down the tunnel to catch up to Eret.
"I'm excited to show you!" Eret cheerfully said as he walked. "They will never suspect a thing!" 
They all ended up in the final control room. You made sure to stand next to Eret making sure that they stayed together. you knew where to leave and when the button was pressed but you had a few minutes to play it off.
"WHAT?"  
"This is so cool!"
"What is this place?!"
"There's nothing in the chests." Wilbur said bluntly, as he turned to us still crouching because he opened the chests.
"Eret?" Tubbo asked.
Eret pressed the button and then the wall behind Wilbur opened and revealed Dream, Sapnap, George and Punz. The men started to scream in shock. They were getting attacked. Blood was being spilled and fire was burning down the whole final control room. Eret grabbed your hand pulling you to a secret wall, opening it to reveal stairs that led out of the final control room trying to protect you from getting hurt.
The L'Manburgians fought anyone they saw, but the others knew who specifically to kill. As the L'Manburgians fought for their lives you heard Wilbur yell out over all of the chaos.
"A TRAITOR! GET OUT GET OUT!"
Were you a traitor? Yes you were. They died. The fire around their bodies began to calm as their murders stood over their bodies breathing heavily. There was an orange and purple tint to the room. It looked unreal. This was it. Their bodies began to glow a light blue color and disintegrate showing that one of their lives was taken that day. This was the closure you wanted, but why did it feel like an unfinished symphony? Like it reached the climax of the song then ended.
It's over
Eret saluted to their disintegrating bodies and you followed suit.
"Down with the revolution boys! It was never meant to be."
---------------
Wilbur's POV
"Eret how could you?" We sat on the burnt grass of L'Manburg waiting for one another to show up from being killed. 
This was what I suspected from the beginning. Sadly this is what I suspected from the beginning.
"Hey where's Y/N?!" Tubbo whipped his head frantically looking for her.
"They were a traitor as well." Fundy said sadly.
Tommy and Eret were facing each other. Tommy in L'Manburg's walls and Eret standing a few feet outside of them. It was a beautiful picture at this moment, very symbolic. 
Tubbo was talking to Eret in a distraught voice before Tommy had interrupted him. "Eret listen to me! And I mean this in the nicest way possible. You fucked up." Tommy said harshly to Eret.
Eret only smirked at this like the madman he is and spoke around him, "farewell gentlemen." And he left us in our ruins.
I had such high hopes for the two of them. Especially Y/N. I knew they were trying to find their home, their place in this huge world. Maybe they'll find it with Dream. That's not what I would've wanted, but they might want to stay there. they'll be back, they'll find their home soon.
"We'll meet again. I know you."
taglist: @hi-imuwu​
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hey how did you study for you step1 exam or i guess all exams with your illness???? -_- im studying for step1. i was complaining to myself and then thought of and though i ask... can you tell im looking for motivation? like i have no legit excuse, im able body and not sick..but still cant study like i want to. like genetics and biostats i cant be bothered with. but i know i have to..
Hey, studying is super difficult whether you have chronic illnesses/disabilities or not. I have found that humans are not especially fond of sitting still and reading bland information for hours on end, especially the volume necessary for the Step exams.
I'm not great at studying, so take this all with a grain of salt, but I'll tell you things that have helped me. I think of it like an internal vs. external motivation deal. I never rely on just one; I try to keep both in mind. My internal motivation is always reminding myself that I am studying so that I can be a better doctor. On days when I really struggle, reminding myself why I am studying by thinking about patients I have seen with X condition or mistakes I made in the past about Y treatment can sometimes push me to keep going. Trying to link the things I am reading to real-life patients, people, and scenarios helps me link the practicality of the content in my brain, so I feel more motivated to master it. A lot of times, though, I really need external motivation. Wanting to pass a test is motivating, but rarely enough for me, so I'd also set goals and reward myself for reaching them. I'd say "if I study X content properly tonight, I will let myself go pick out a new book to read, I will make my favorite thing for dinner, I'll get ice cream, etc."
Because I find reading facts from a book extremely boring, I try to make studying a more active process. I take notes and draw pictures and diagrams while I am reading, make flash cards that I can then use to review later, or do practice questions rather than just plain reading. Sometimes if the topic is really boring or difficult, I read about it, take notes, and then pretend I am teaching it to someone else by talking about it out loud. Sometimes I write up little quizzes or flashcards and make a friend quiz me out loud. I'm not a group study-er, but I know some people say they benefit from studying with someone else to help keep each other accountable and bounce ideas off one another.
I also am really influenced by my environment so I always try to make sure I am studying in a good place. I like to either go to my backyard or to a library. If I am inside my house, where my cats and books and games are, I get too easily distracted. I have to physically remove myself from potential distractions.
The other thing is that, with being sick, if I had days where I just felt awful and knew I didn't feel well enough to study, I didn't, and I didn't let it bother me. I still don't. Again, studying is exhausting. Even if you are perfectly healthy, sometimes you just need a break, and that is okay. A car can't run if the tank is empty, and sometimes you just need to pull over and refuel. Sometimes that is the best thing you can do, because then you can come back at it with better focus and a better attitude the next day.
So yeah. Maybe not the best advice in the world, but these are some of the things I have done to get through undergrad and med school and residency. Hopefully some of it can be of help to you, and if any of my followers have any thoughts or advice, feel free to chime in.
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kiyoo-omi · 3 years
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from my love to you
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Hello moots and followers! I just want to say happy new years and heres to 2021 treating us right. I’m not too good with words tbh but here I go!
I really can't believe I'm in a position to know so many great people on here! I’m so thankful that each and everyone of you are so welcoming. Every little likes and reblogs mean so much to me as as artist. But interacting with me makes my day so much better and brings such the biggest smile on my face! I’m so grateful that you guys even bothering interacting with me. I wouldn’t have continued this blog have it not been you guys!! I appreciate it so much and it means the world to me. You guys makes me strive to me a better artist (and writer)! I want to be able to make you guys happy and I hope whatever I do on my blogs bring u guys joy as much as it does me!
I hope to be better moot for everybody (cause I’m just a little too shy to interact with you all) Thank you so much for giving me a place in this community and I love you all!
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To my lovely friends!
@lavenderpisces
JEN! MRS. BOKUTO! MRS. AIZAWA! MY BABY MY LOVE MY ANGEL CAKES LIGHT OF MY LIGHT APPLE TO MY EYEE! BOKUJEN AND SHOUJEN SUPREMACY UP IN THIS THIS BITCH 🤪! Aaaahhhh bby I don't know what to say but I love you so much!!! I know I don't show my appreciation as much lately or its been a while! But you are literally a light to my life and I value our friendship so much! I remember our baby talks on here and can’t believe here we are today! I'm counting five/six years girl and I want to celebrate every new year together until we are old as hell. I love when we fangirl, I love our little movie nights, I love getting you gifts, I love daydreaming about our future together and I hope you do too??? Please know I'm literally here for you, I would fight the world and book a ticket there for you if u ever need me to too. Just say the words! Please don’t ever hesitate to hit me up if you ever need to. I hate whatever you you are experiencing that makes you sad, I wish I could be there to fight it away for you! I know this year hasn’t been too nice, but please know that I’m literally just a text or call away! You are my priority. I can't wait for the day where we can see each other one day! I love u so much!
@coralpeachcalm
MIMI! HI!! Asdfghjjkkll sorry if this is a little awkward but I'm so glad you were one of the first person I have had the pleasure to meet! I don't remember who reach out to who but I’m so glad one of us did. I remember us fangirling so much back then! Thank you for being so supportive on my art and literally anything, and I’m so glad to have found you again! Here's to 2021 treating you right! I value you so much and I love you!
@seijuroww
Hi cameron! I hope you’re doing well lately! I just wanted to say holy shit! Im so proud of you and what you’ve done an accomplished! Just seeing you’re growth and journey has been so awe-inspiring. I hope you’re happier lately and im just so happy for you! Please know I’m here for you if you ever need help! I love you so much! 
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To my lovely close mooties! 
@chibishae34
Hi SHAE!! Thank you for being one of my biggest supporter back on dinnachusart and just constantly liking and reblogging my works. You don’t know how much it meant to me being a small as artist and trying to scramble for a crumb of notes (XD lol). Sorry if I don't have much words to say I'm just so thankful that you were able to see me grow as an artist and i hope you still do!! Thank you for also being my penpal and please expect something hopefully this month! Here to 2021 treating you good and spending it together!
@datech
HI DIANA!! It’s the way you have my heart! You’re so sweet and adorable, you interaction in anything can brighten up anyones day. I'm still so surprise that were moots! It blows my mind cause I really admired you and your writing and I was intimidated by you!! Now look at where we are now! I’m ur disamu art dealer asddghhjkklldd.Thank you so much for your support on my art! It really does means the world and your comments are absolutely everything. Thank you for being one of the reason I stay on here! Cheers to 2021 love you and you deserve the best!
@sanriobimbo
HI PLUMMIE! PRETTY PLUMMIE SOULMATE!!! I'm so happy and glad we were able to hit is off so well! You’re one of the person I can feel so at ease with! I love our interactions and me just joking around with you lol! Just wanted to let you know that I'm here for you! Don’t ever doubt your writing please! Its the greatest and the world to my eyes! Make sure you take breaks and don't ever force yourself to provide or write! You simple being here is the greatest thing to happen to everybody you’ve come across! You deserve the world and imma fight 2021 if it ever crosses you! Love you lots plummie!
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To my mooties who I'm so thankful that you even follow and interact with me!! I be fangirling and get so happy when you do! just know I love you all and appreciate you so much! I hope to see you all grow andsucceed to the absolute best in your life! Love you lots! Cheers to 2021. 
(In no particular order! I’m sorry if I sound repetitive. I’m sorry if you don't considered us moots ill take u off if u don't wanna be on here!)
@tsumtsumland : hope you doing well! Love you lots and ahhh im so thankful for you!! I love interacting with you! thank you for being my penpal and I hope to see more of eachother! I hope 2021 can be kind to you! 🤲🏽🥺💞💞💞
@midnightweeds: hi weeds! I just wanted to say im so grateful for you! Thank you for being so generous and lending a hand when i needed it the most! Thank u for sending me sakusa pictures as well! 🥺💞
@atsumuse: hi lay! ur such a cool person and I admire u so much! I hope 2021 treats you well! I love ur writng please its the best. 🥺💞
@tsukkis-crybaby: hi felicity! ur so beautiful and thank u for our interactions togther! I love seeing you on my dash and inbox! I hope 2021 is a good year for you! kisses for you!😘
@amberalisa hi alisa!! I hope ur doing well! I really love ur suna fic and can’t wait for your other one! happy New Years and I hope this year is a good year for you!!
@hisoillusandwich: hi Mae!! 🥺💞 ur sakusa fic is one of my favs and omg the fact ur interact with me at all my heart! here to 2021 being good to u beautiful!
@prettysetterbaby: hi jj!!! *screaming* you are so beautiful and deserve the utmost best in life! I love seeing you on my dash! thank you for being such a great person and supporting my art! you are so loved and I’m wishing nothing but the best for you! 2021 better treat you right!
@bucketofforks: hi hi bof! I’m so grateful for your interactions! they bring such smiles and laughs, I hope 2021 goes good for you!
@hq-trashies: hi kaley!! love seeing u on my dash sorry if we don’t interact as much! But you are such a beautiful person! Thank u for your book recs! send more my way haha’ I hope 2021 goes well for u!!
@velvesagi: hi jem!! Love seeing u on my dash!! thank u for ur interactions they mean a lot! Here’s to 2021 being a better year for you!
@sunaswife : hi knifey! I found you through ur suna series and I really love it!! I hope 2021 is a good year for you! Thank u for even interacting with u, pretty sure I was fangirlibg! Lol
@lovingnekoma: hi artimes! thank u so much for your interactions! they really do brighten up my day! I hope to be a better mutual to you! I hope 2021 can be ur year!
@inxriyama: hi bunny! 🥺🤲🏽💞💞💞really love ur writing and really enjoy our small interactions together! Here’s to 2021 being a good year!
@kurooblesse: hi tesh! I hope ur doing well and ughhhh please ur writing!! 😩💦 🥴 gives me the hots! Here’s to 2021 being good to you!!
@kenmasbb: hi tia!!! gaawwddd ur writing!! Please give me room to breathe! I really love our interaction and I hope u doing well and happy 2021!
@rintarhue: hi Kopi!! ur smau series are the best and ur rin one is so creative!! such a great writer and I hope to see more from you! here to 2021 being a good year to you!
@shoyosun: hi Marta!!! your art is so cute and can’t wait to see more of it!! thank u for being such a sweetheart and I hope we can interact more! cheers to 2021 being a good year!
@omijime: hi nini!! your so adorable and omg thank u for interacting with me! It means a lot! I hope you Samu, and suna have such a happy 2021 together!
@dxddykeiji: hi Sammy!! I know we don’t interact as much!! but I enjoy seeing you on my dash! thank you for being my moot and I hope 2021 is the best for you!
@radiantful: hi Martha! I’m so thankful for your interactions they brighten up my day! I hope 2021 is good to you!
@ukeishin: hi Celeste! thank u for poppin in my inbox here or there! I love our little interactions and hope we can interact more! I hope 2021 will treat you right! U deserve it!
@ladyrenart: hi Lena! I love your popping in my inbox! they make me smile so much! I appreciate you so much! cheers to 2021 being good to you!
@toniiihime: hi toni!! your so beautiful and your drawings are so cute! I can’t wait to see more! Can’t wait to see you grow! 2021 is ur year!
@aiiishiiiteru: hi nona! I know we don’t interact as much but I looove ur writing!! I’m screamed when u followed back XD! Cheers to 2021 being a good year for you!
@mi-yams: ren wifey!!! I love our interactions together!! you’re so fun and cute! I hope 2021 treats u well!
@darlingoshiki: hi saint! I hope 2021 is good to you! Thank u for popping in my ask here or there and I enjoy seeing on my dash!
@helloaisabelle: hi aisy! I love ur writing!! ur national team got me 🥴🥵 thank u for your interaction and I hope we can interact more! I hope 2021 is the best for you!
@onefortyninecm : hi Danielle! I’m grateful for interactions together m! Your art is amazing!! and you deserve all the love coming your way! you’re very beautiful and I hope I can be a better moot! here’s to 2021 treating you good! 🥺💞
@picassho-18​: hi Kate!! just wanted to say thank you for your support and I love seeing you inbox abs post! Wishing 2021 the best for u!
@inarizakicafe​: hi ni! I know where new moots. But I absolutely love your writing! I hope to interact more with you if that’s okay! cheers to 2021 to be a good year for you!
@itzdaichi​: hi lovely!! I just wanted to say your so sweet and adorable! Your interaction bring so much joy to me! I hope 2021 treats you right!
@tsukkikou​: hi kou! I really love our interactions and thank you for popping in my inbox for a while! It makes me really happy and I hope your doing well!
@suhkusa​: hi hi guys! Just wanted to say I love your writing and I hope 2021 is good to the both of you!
@sunseteyes​: hi gel!! ur so beautiful and I know we don’t interact as much! but I love when we do! I hope 2021 is a good year for you!
@alto-march-of-death​: hi al!! I appreciate our interactions and thankful that you even do in the first place! I hope to be a better moot and wishing 2021 is good to you!
@churochuu​: hi chuu!! I love our first interaction together!! you're art is so cute and adorable! 2021 better treat you right!
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to my lovely anons and character interactions whoever you are. you guys absolutely have my heart. im so thankful that you guys even do this for me?? i feel like i dont deserve it. you guys make my day so much and i hope 2021 treat you so good. you dont know how much you guys are appreciated by everyone! love you! 
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thank you to everybody for making the remaining month of 2020 one of my best! i love you all! 
72 notes · View notes
badfey · 4 years
Note
is there anything u wish u had known pre-top surgery? I’m trying to schedule mine next yr and I’m worried I rushed into picking my surgeon even tho I looked at a Lot. I’ve got a list of questions to ask but curious if there’s anything you can think of! Thanks, if u get a chance to reply 🥺
firstly congrats and good luck with your top surgery, i hope the wait goes quickly!!
There were a lot of things i wasn’t expecting about top surgery - not necessarily that i wish i’d known in advance, just that i didn’t anticipate. I wrote a document of them not long after surgery which ill post soon and link back to here :) right now ill go through the main stuff i wish i had known, and any questions i had (under a cut because it got long)
Stuff I Wish I’d Known
Some of this depends on how your surgeon does things. I had 6 days before my post-op appointment w chest reveal. 
That first week is tough. Ymmv, but for me it was really hard. I knew that post-op depression was a thing, i didn’t realise what it would feel like. For me it was a lot of being tired and not being able to sleep because of not being able to get comfortable (having to sleep elevated for a few days & pain), so getting more tired and bored but too fatigued to do anything in that classic frustrating cycle. Once i slept decently for the first time i felt human again (nytol is a lifesaver). It’s also tough bc ur sweaty n uncomfortable and u haven’t showered or taken off the post-op binder for a week, and with the dressings and swelling it doesn’t feel like its really happened yet? After chest reveal thats a lot easier
Sometimes moving around you’ll feel something like pull or pop and you get so so paranoid about pulling a stitch i seriously thought id pulled a stitch but its usually like the dressings adhesion or something, you don’t need to freak out. My best friend here was this uk trans fb group because i could search and find years of posts with ppl having the same problems, or ask and ppl would give advice and calm me down, so it’s good to join a community like that ready for if you inevitably get stressed about something (also good for post-op boredom)
You cant use your arms to move. Sounds obvious but like i never realised how much i reflexively rely on using arms to move sitting positions on a bed, and how you need to pay attention to override that impulse. 
Peeing after anesthetic is weirdly hard. It really helps if you practise consciously releasing the specific muscles to pee beforehand 
I was so hungry. I got fed sure (great food too) but i wish i had taken snacks. 
Questions to ask
Im gonna list some stuff that you may already know/have on your list but it might help fill any gaps :) 
When are your post-ops? Are they included in the surgery price? Mine were at 6 days (chest reveal) and 8 weeks (normally 6 weeks but my surgeon was on holiday lol) and both included in the price of surgery (which is standard for here i think). Its good to have rough timeframes in advance so you can plan around it.
Ask about revisions - are they included in the price, what is the timeframe you can get revisions for, how you would start the revision process if you need it? Hopefully you won’t need it but its important to know just in case & so you don’t need to worry about it. I think my surgeon got a bit touchy when I brought up revisions but i was just clear that if I’m getting this surgery and paying a lot of money for it i need to know this stuff in advance which as a professional he should be fine with.
Can you have a say in scar shape and/or nipple size? Usually you can, and this is often at the pre-op when they draw all over your chest before surgery. Don’t feel like you can't weigh in - this is your chest. Also even at consultation they might be able to give you an idea of what your scar/s will look like. 
If you’re getting nipple grafts, ask about their graft success rate!! I was super stressed about my nipples falling off, but my surgeon said that even though stats say about 10% of nipple grafts r unsuccessful, in practise he sees a much smaller percentage than that, and even ones that do reject often grow back (lmk if u wanna know more what i mean) or can just be easily touched up with tattooing. Also if theres anything they recommend for graft success.
Does your surgeon recommend using arnica? Arnica is a homeopathic remedy for bruising, swelling, and wound healing. There’s differing views on whether it actually works, but in my case i took arnica tablets 1 week before and 2 weeks post-op and i think it really helped. They also tasted nice. Some people use arnica gel to aid healing once you can start massaging. 
Where will you be for overnight recovery? Will you be on a ward or in a room? Do you have access to a TV? Do you have access to a plug socket or charging point? Do you get wifi? Chances are you’ll be bored at some point over the time you’re in there, especially if you struggle sleeping. It’s good to know whats available in advance so you can come with things to keep you entertained. 
Does your surgeon use drains? You probably already know/have an idea of this bc its something a lot of ppl consider when choosing surgeons, buts its good to know if you don’t. Also, it can change - I chose my surgeon partially because he only uses overnight drains so you don’t have to deal with them in recovery. When i was there i found out he has stopped using drains altogether for smaller guys so i never actually had them (pleasant surprise). 
Does your surgeon want you to wear a post-op binder? Do they supply the binder? Post-op binders r a good idea they stop swelling soo much, so even if your surgeon doesn’t recommend it i’d definitely ask if it’d be safe for you to wear one. You can't wear regular binders. If you’re sourcing your own, again trans groups r great bc they can give local recs and lots of people sell/pass on their old ones. I am happy to give anyone recs, but they’re all uk based. 
How will you communicate with nurses post-op? Most people don’t live too near their top surgeon, so you’ll probably check-up remotely. I just sent nurses emails of my nips and incisions and anything i was worried about the healing of and they’d let me know if it looked okay. 
If you have any conditions/disabilities/illnesses, ask if they’ve ever operated on someone with them/similar before. I have fibro + hypermobility and tbh it was reassuring to hear him talk about experiences other patients with chronic pain had had before and how they coped.
Okay sorry that was really long, but its pretty much everything i could think of question wise! I hope it helps! Let me know if there’s any other questions you have at all :)
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abrakophile · 3 years
Text
I was looking through a bunch of junk and found some letters from my dad when he was in the army. I’m afraid I'll accidently toss them, so maybe I’ll put them here?
OPs Name JUNE 02 03
I LOVE YOU
THIS IS MY NAME IN KURDISH
*my dad wrote his first and last name, and under it, in Kurdish*
ILL TRY AND FIND OUT HOW TO WRITE YOUR NAME AND MOMS TOO.
ITS STILL HOT. I WORK AND READ BOOKS TO PASS THE TIME AWAY.
HOW ARE YOU DOING? GOOD I HOPE. WHAT DO YOU DO FOR FUN? DO YOU EVER HANG OUT WITH YOUR FRIENDS? TELL THEM I SAID “WASSUP?” NAH, DONT TELL THEM. TELL ME WHAT YOUR THINKING. I’M TRYING TO SEND YOU SOME MORE OF MY DRAWINGS. WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DRAW YOU? DID YOU LIKE THE DRAWING I SENT YOU OF YOU NAME? ITS ALRIGHT IF YOU DIDNY. JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU DO WANT ME TO DRAW YOU.
(Flip Page)
THIS IS WEIRD! (The page does not have lines on the left side of it) i WONDER WHAT HAPPENED TO THIS PIECE OF PAPER. HaHa
I MISS YOU ALOT. PLEASE SOND ME SOME MORE OF YOUR DRAWINGS, YOU CAN DRAW ME ANYTHING YOU WANT TO.
ARE YOU BEING GOOD FOR YOUR MOM? ITS NICE IF YOU HELP HER OUT WHILE I’M AWAY.
HAVE YOU BEEN ANYPLACE NEW? HOW IS SCHOOL GOING FOR YOU? IS MOMMY GOING TO SCHOOL? I KNOW I WANT TO GO TO SCHOOL WHEN I GET BACK. HOPEFULLY I GET THE CHANCE TO LEARN EVERYTHING THAT THERE IS TO KNOW. THAT WOULD BE GREAT.
ALSO, ID LIKE TO DO SOME FISHING? HOW ABOUT YOU? I GUESS ILL END HERE. BE GOOD AND STAY IN SCHOOL. AND JUST SAY NO TO DRUGS.
THEYRE BAD.
I LIVE YOU OP
*hearts and x’s* DADDY
---
(I don’t know if all these pages are in order or if it’s missing any, but this was the letter in the same stack as the last but this one was for my mom. In some places his indents indicate passage of time.)
I HAVENT HAD ANY TIME TO WRITE SINCE WEVE BEEN ON THE ROAD, NOT TO MENTION THAT WE CAN’T SEND MAIL WHEN WE’RE MOVING ALL THE TIME.
WEVE BEEN ON THE ROAD FOR ABOUT FIVE OR SIX DAYS, I HAVENT REALLY BEEN COUNTING. I KNOW I TOLD YOU THAT WE’D BE IN KUWAIT FOR A WHILE, BUT THAT WAS SO YOU WOULDNT BE WORRIED. I’M GOING TO KEEP THIS LETTER THOUGH, TILL I GET HOME.
ABOUT TWO NIGHTS AGO, WE DROVE THROUGH BAGDHAD, SOMEBODY SAID THAT THERE WERE PILED BODIES, I DONT KNOW IF IT WAS TRUE.
AND I GUESS YESTERDAY, A COUPLE OF PEOPLE SAID THEY SAW A MISSILE OR SOEMTHING SHOT AT US. I WAS TRYING TO FIX A TRUCK SO I DIDNT SEE IT.
ITS NOT AS DUSTY HERE IN IRAQ. IT REMINDS ME OF THE CONVOYS IN KOREA.
MOST OF THE PEOPLE WILL WAVE “HI”. SOME OTHERS DONT.
I SAW A KID OPEN HIS HAND ONCE WHILE MOVING, AND IT SAID “BUSH” THAT WAS KIND OF COOL.
OH YEAH. HERES A STORY. WHILE OUT DOING A MISSION, ONE OF OUR “BRADLEY” TANKS FIRED ON AN ENEMY AMMO TRUCK AND CLIPPED A KID. THE ROUNDS BLEW ONE OF HIS LEGS OFF AND SOME OF THE OTHER, FROM THE KNEE DOWN. SO THE MEDICS PICKED HIM UP AND BROUGHT HIM TO OUR RECONCOLIDATING POINT FOR MEDICAL TREATMENT. I GUESS HE EVENTUALLY DIED FROM LOSS OF BLOOD THE NEXT NIGHT AND YESTERDAY THEY TOOK HIM OUT AND BURIED HIM.
ALSO WE PICKED UP ABOUT 25-30 P.O.W.s AND SENT THEM SOUTH.
IT GETS PRETTY COLD AT NIGHT. AND THE DAY’S ARE VERY HOT.
SINCE WE LEFT KUWAIT ITS BEEN ME AND MENDOZA IN THE FIVE TON WRECKER AND I HAVE TO ADMIT THAT ITS BEEN EXCITING. WE KEPT GETTING SEPERATED FROM THE CONVOY AND BREAKING DOWN. BUT I THINK THAT WERE BETTER NOW. HOPEFULLY.
IM STILL WAITING TO BE AMBUSHED TO MAKE ALL THIS SEEM REAL TO ME. A PART OF ME WANTS IT AND ANOTHER DOESNT.
AND IT SEEMS LIKE ONLY OUR UNIT HAS TO STAY IN UNIFORM, EVERYONE ELSE WEARS T-SHIRTS AND BANDENA’S AND RAGS ON THEIR HEAD
WERE STILL GOING NORTH. NOBODY KNOWS HOW LONG WE’LL STAY. ITS NOT THAT BAD HERE. MEANING, IT COULD BE WORSE. 
I USED A “SHIT-CHAIR”. ITS JUST A METAL CHAIR WITH A HOLE CUT IN THE MIDDLE AND THE SEAT FROM A TOILET BOLTED TO IT, GROSS.
HELICOPTERS CAN BE HEARD ALL DAY AND NIGHT. I GOT TO SEE THEM DROP BOMBS ALL DAY ABOUT 3 DAYS AGO, FROM A DISTANCE OF COURSE.
ILL BE DRIVING AGAIN, IN A MINUTE. PROBABLY RE-FUEL AND BACK ON THE ROAD AGAIN. IM ENJOYING IT.
I HAVE 8 MAGAZINES FULL OF ROUNDS. NO GRENADES, BUT I LIKE IT LIKE THAT.
SOMETIMES IT SMELLS LIKE SHIT.
I GUESS ILL END IT HERE FOR NOW
I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU TWO TWICE IF NOT THRICE AS MUCH AS YOU MIGHT MISS ME TOO.
HELLO AGAIN. WERE SOMEWHERE NEAR TIKRI + MOSUL. YESTERDAY, ME + MENDOZA WENT LOOKING FOR MOMENTO’S. WE BROKE A LOCK TO A NEAR BY BUNKER AND FOUND 6 A.K.47s! BUT ON OUR WAY BACK TO TURN THEM IN, MAJOR TATU GOT THEM FROM US. I WAS SO PISSED. BUT I GOT A GAS MASK w/ FILTER, A FULL MAGAZINE CLIP FROM ONE OF THE A.K.s AND A BERET WITH IRAQ 1 RANK ON IT.
I MADE A STENCIL FOR THE TRUCK WERE RIDING IN. ITS CALLED THE “GAMBLER.” YESTERDAY MENDOZA DROVE, SO TODAY ILL BE DRIVING.
IM NOT POSITIVE, BUT, I THINK WERE GOING TO TURKEY. NIETO SAYS THAT HE OVERHEARD SOMEBODY FROM S1 (or SI, I’m not sure) SAYING WE MIGHT GET PAID EXTRA FOR GOING THROUGH BAGHDAD.
I THINK NIETO’S MAD AT ME. CANT EXPLAIN WHY. MAYBE ITS BECAUSE IM RIDING WITH MENDOZA AND HE DOESNT LIKE MENDOZA TOO MUCH. OH WELL, WHATEVER REASON, HOPE THINGS GET NORMAL AGAIN. HAVE TO GO,
*hearts and xs*
TODAY IS THE 25th OF APRIL, I RECEIVED FIVE OR SIX (OR SEVEN) LETTERS YESTERDAY. THE LATEST WAS DATED 07 OF APRIL. THAT TELLS ME THAT ITS GOING TO TAKE A WHILE TO COMMUNICATE.
WE HAVENT RECEIVED MAIL BECAUSE WEVE BEEN MOVING NEVER STAYING IN ONE PLACE MORE THAN A DAY, OR TWO, UNTIL NOW. WE’VE BEEN IN THIS SPOT GOING ON FOUR DAYS TOMORROW?!
GIVE ME A MINUTE...
FOR THE LAST COUPLE OF DAYS IVE BEEN HELPING MENDOZA PULL THE ENGINE OUT OF A 5 TON TRUCK AND SWITCH IT w/ ANOTHER ONE. IT WOULD HAVE BEEN EASY BUT THE FLY WHEEL SEIZED UP INSIDE THE BELL HOUSING. ITS FINISHED NOW AND THE RUMOR IS WE’RE LEAVING  (OR MOVING) AGAIN TOMORROW.
ITS 10:33 THURSDAY MORNING. YOUR TIME IS 12:32 JUST TURNING THURSDAY.
I ALMOST CRYED WHEN I SAW ELIS PICTURE. I REALLY MISS BOTH OF YOU. LET ME BACK TO BEFORE I GOT DISTRACTED. I HAVENT BEEN ABLE TO SEND MAIL BECAUSE WE’VE BEEN MOVING. BUT I GUESS THAT WHATEVER THREAT THERE WAS (IF ANY), ISNT SO THREATFUL ANYMORE, WE CAN START RECEIVING AND SENDING MAIL. NO PHONE TO CALL FROM, AND NO INTERNET TO E-MAIL FROM.
THE WHOLE UNIT IS SCATTERED, SO EVEN IF I GET WHAT YOU NEED IT’LL TAKE FOREVER TO GET IT TO YOU. LET ME PULL THOSE LETTERS BACK OUT. OH WAIT. I DID LAUNDRY AND SOME UNDERWEAR THATS DRY, FELT HARD, OH WELL, WAIT A SECOND, K
I HAD TO FOLD SOME T-SHIRTS. ALL MY SOCKS ARE STILL DAMP. 
YOU CAN USE MY CONTRACT TO SHOW THAT I ENLISTED IN TEXAS AND HOWS THIS
*On a separate sheet my dad wrote a detailed note for my mom to give to someone to confirm that he did want to buy a house. He writes “I AM ALIVE AND WELL.” and “PLEASE ACCEPT THIS PAPER”, then he signed it with his scribble signature, and underneath it wrote his name in print and added “1st SQUADRON 10th CAVALRY HEADQUARTERS TROOP (I have no clue what this means)*
HOW’S THAT? HOPE I SPELLED EVERYTHING CORRECTLY. IM ALMOST READY WITH A DESIGN TO COVER THE OTHER TATTOOS ON MY LEFT FOREARM.
I JUST FINISHED LOOKING OVER ALL THOSE LETTERS YOU SENT FOR ME
IM BACK! I GOT SLEEPY SO I TRYED TO LAY DOWN FOR A LITTLE BIT. NO SLEEP. I DONT THINK. I DIDNT HAVE ENOUGH WATER TO WASH MY DCV’S AND A PAIR OF BDV’S. BESIDES FOR DRINKING WATER, BUT WE HAVE TO CONSERVE IT.
LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THE RUMORS. TOMORROW WE’LL BE LEAVING FOR THE IRAN/IRAQ BORDER TO DO “PEACE KEEPING” FOR 3 TO 6 mths. OTHERS SAY THAT THE 4ID (i think is what this says) GENERAL WANTS TO KEEP US HERE TILL NOV., THATS WHEN 1 CAV WILL COME TO REPLACE US. WHILE OTHERS SAY WE MIGHT LEAVE BY JUNE. NOTHINGS FOR SURE.
SMALLER RUMORS FLOATING AROUND THE SITE ARE; RAMSEY AND SFC BACON ARE SLEEPING TOGETHER. SGT SIREK HAS PLANS TO TAKE NIETO AS HIS APPRENTICE AND PADIWAN LEARNER OF THE DARK SIDE. LITTLE BLACK ARNOLD IS MILITARY INTELLIGENCE FOR SPECIAL FORCES OPERATING UNDER COVER A SURVEILLENCE AS PART OF
*the rest of the page is blank*
IM BACK. TODAY IS THE 27th. I GOT BACK TO THE LITTLE CAMP AREA ABOUT AN HOUR AND A HALF AGO. I LEFT YESTERDAY MORNING TO, WELL, AS PART OF DE-CON (DE-CONTAMINATION) MISSION. HERES THE INFORMATION THAT I GATHERED.
A SITE HAD BEEN FOUND THAT WAS THOUGHT TO HAVE CHEMICAL WEAPONS AND 1-10 WAS APPOINTED TO GO TO THE SITE AND DE-CON THE CIVILIANS THAT WERE GOING TO OPEN THEM. AS IT TURNS OUT THE CIVILIANS HAVE BEEN DE-LAYED AND WOULD BE SET BACK 1 DAY.
THE NBC TEAM THAT I WAS WITH WERENT PREPARED TO STAY OVER NIGHT AND AS FORCASTED BY SSG MINOR WE MIGHT HAVE HAD TO STAY 3 TO 4 DAYS. EVERYBODY WAS PISSED.
LATELY ITS BEEN GETTING REALLY COLD AT NIGHT AND WE JUST HAPPENED TO BE NEAR A RUNNING RIVER. SO THE, ITS ABOUT 9 O’CLOCK AND IM BEAT, NO SLEEPING BAG OR ANYTHING TO COVER UP WITH AND I DECIDE TO TRY AND SLEEP. I GET AS COMFORTABLE AS POSSIBLE AND I GET ATTACKED BY MOSQUITOS. NOW IM PISSED SO I DECIDED TO JUST TO STAY UP ALL NIGHT. ABOUT 10PM ONE OF THE HEMTT (this might just say “hemi”, I don’t know) FUELERS SHOWS UP AND SGT TORRES SAYS HE HAS EVERYBODYS SLEEPING BAG! THE SITES ABOUT 45 MINS AWAY AND THEY LEFT SOMETIME MID AFTERNOON TO GET OUR SHIT, I HATE THESE PEOPLE.
RIGHT NOW ITS 9:01 PM AND ITS 11:02 AM YOUR TIME. I MISS YOU.
RIGHT NOW IM GOING TO ADDRESS AN ENVELOPE AND HAVE IT READY TO SEND TOMMOROW THE 28th. IM SORRY IF IT SEEMS THAT IM NOT WRITING VERY OFTEN. FOR A WHILE WE COULDN’T. AND NOW THAT IT SEEMS WE MIGHT BE HERE A LITTLE WHILE, THEYVE KEPT ME REALLY BUSY. LET ME ADDRESS THE ENVELOPES (he drew a star here)
ALL DONE. I THOUGHT ABOUT THE HOUSE A LOT TODAY AND YESTERDAY. IM SURE BY THE TIME THIS LETTER REACHES YOU, YOU’LL HAVE EITHER GOTTEN IT OR GAVE IT UP. IM O.K. WITH EITHER DECISION YOUVE MADE.
YOUVE KEPT THIS FAMILY TOGETHER, AND THAT MAKES ME PROUD. YOUR SMART, ATTRACTIVE AND FUNNY. AND YOU DONT TAKE ANY SHIT FROM ANYBODY. I LOVE YOU.
I HOPE THAT OUR DAUGHTER TURNS OUT TO BE LIKE YOU.
I GUESS ILL MAIL THIS TOMORROW, FIRST THING, SO
EVER YOURS
EVER MINE
*my dad signed it with his scribble, and wrote his name under it. under that are hearts and x’s with my mom’s name and then my name under hers.*
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001jsngprk · 3 years
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━♡ guess the 20 YEAR OLD MAY baby just arrived to dallyeog! it makes sense, because PARK JAE-SUNG is just as SUNNY as the month of MAY. wait, why do they remind me of LEE WOO-JIN ( TARGET ) ? beyond that, they seemed SPIRITED and PATIENT upon first glance. i heard someone say they’re sort of HAREBRAINED and WISHY-WASHY though. i hope they get acquainted here in COMPLEX # 2 / APARTMENT # 5 / FLOOR # 3 ; HE seems to have a lot going on with HIS job as STUDENT. ( qiu, 18+, they/he/she, est. ) 
hello hello everyone !! i’m qiu and any pronouns are cool w me !!! this is my first krp (tbh first rp in a solid bit) so i might get confused here and there but the admins here are sososo helpful so hopefully nothing will throw me off too bad !! im happy to be here and my dms are always open !! though tbh i do prefer to use discord bc sometimes tumblr likes to commit crimes and eat messages </3 just hmu and ill give you it or add you!! if i dont reply to an im in like a day pls send an ask !! 
i have an about pg that ill work on a little more but ill just write out a short little thing here to get the blog going !
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! SUMMARY/TRIVIA ! [⤍ park jae-sung ● 20 yrs old ● uni student ]
- likes to be occupied ;; fully the type to be cooking a full course meal at four am just because he was studying and just needed to do anything else. also the type to let anyone in to eat it ! - non-native ;; from the u.s.! it’s actually his first year in korea ever so his korean can be odd-sounding a lot as even though it’s his native language, it’s not actually the one(english) he knows best !! when speaking in english, he has a southern accent - money-saver ;; buys things in sets exclusively to save money!! he’s more of the frugal type tbh when it comes to things other than bills !! if he recognizes you pls expect him to have random things on him that he’ll offer you like a grandpa offering his grandchild twenty dollars - skillfully independent ;; after living majority of his life mainly on his own, jae-sung can do housework fairly well as well as cook !! not super well, but it tastes better than worse most of the time !!!  - hug-bug ;; if you give him the go-ahead, he’s incredibly physically affectionate !! it’s to the point sometimes he doesn’t even notice, like placing a hand on someone’s back or their own hand ! though, since he’s in korea now, courtesy of his parents’ advice, he’s been trying to rein it in a little ! but no matter w who, he likes to hold hands or hug or link arms or give a bro kiss or anything similar !! - romance averted ;; it’s not that he’s trying to avoid thinking or anything about it, it’s that it honestly doesn’t have much place in his life at all, so it’s never the first thing to come to mind. unfortunately, he’ll gal-pal everyone, assuming everyone are just friends up until people tell him explicitly otherwise - indecisive ;; there really is no choice he feels 100% on. as soon as anyone suggests anything else, he’s quick to switch over, even if he already had a position. the things he can’t change on are things he’s always been mulling over - reckless ;; jae-sung loves to do whatever to distract himself, and it’s pretty obvious in how he literally leaps from building to building away from home. he has a deep love for freerunning, and he’s good at it too (even has a yt channel where he posts a lot of it!), though it doesn’t look it; he always has some bruises or cuts on him. he also loves to try out any sort of trick w any sport such as skateboarding or iceskating!! falling is just part of the fun to him - responsible ;; yeah, it’s a little weird to follow w this, but he really is !! he’s responsible in the ohhhhh crap i have to start on this essay now if i want to be done in time pls learn from me everyone :pensive: type of way. he more so encourages and helps other people to be able to manage themselves, however, sometimes he should really follow his own advice when it comes to self-care.
! WANTED CONNECTIONS ! [ heres the pg for it but it’s all the same prompts word for word tbh ] 
- family first ;; you’re family ! it tbh doesn’t matter what branch of the family you are or anything else, you’re family that maybe met jae-sung over a whatsapp or fb messenger videocall when y’all were young once ! or they can be super close, tbh i dont mind whatever !! - lending a hand ;; jae-sung has a habit of taking care of others first before anything else. whether or not your muse is consciously taking advantage of that, to your muse, jae-sung helps out by giving food or doing chores w you or letting you stay over or any other small job !! this can also work the other way around ! - opposites attract ;; yeah <3 maybe your muse is cold or the rebellious type or anything !!  - guide ;; jae-sung is new to the city and your chara helps jae-sung go out and learn the areas around !!  - buddies ;; i am already running out of ideas </3 but !! this is just someone (or multiple people!!) who jae-sung is constantly over at their place or they’re constantly over at jae-sung’s !! while they don’t have to enjoy every death-defying stunt jae-sung attempts, they still come along ! y’all are just buds who hang out !!  - internet friend ;; the two of you have a history that’s mostly written !! we can work out details !! - lost and found ;; he dropped a notebook and when you saw it on the ground, maybe you picked it up, maybe not, you saw a bad drawing. the highlighter is not even in the pencil lines. he’s sort of embarrassed about it at first, but offers to draw a portrait of you anyways just to find anything to move onto  - brother figure ;; to jae-sung, you’re a sibling figure. what that entails is up to you !!  - wait what? ;; jae-sung learned something he wasn’t supposed to and is now paying the price genuinely :pensive: major f but it rly just be like that sometimes - anything !! ;; we can come up w anything or combine these or whatever !! im open to anything !!  ^^ everything above is open to all genders !!  [04:13AM EDIT] omg this is so embarazzing but i completely forgot to add if youre more comfortable being dmed than dming, just like the post !! i’ll hit you up !!
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drangues · 3 years
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At least there’s a silver lining, though! And hopefully you’ll be able to catch up on some rest once you’re done with this,, And then draw! Because rest is very important, ahaha. Hhhmmm. HHHMMM. My longing for long haired Atsushi is increasing by the minute. I bet Dazai tugs on the ends when it’s up in a braid or a ponytail to get his attention. Anyways listen, they’re simple boys who are: NOT. Used to people being Nice to them, they can’t handle it? (Nyanon, 1/3)
Which just makes their boyfriends even more stubborn... I fully expect the two of them to be the “the only one who can do X to them is ME” friends by the by. Just saying. And! Atsushi teaching kids,, I Love Him. I can just see him going from “oh no a cool author is coming here, act cool” to “oh no he’s cute” to “oh no is he flirting with me??? No way” to “oh no the cute author is flirting with me” to “OH GOD MY KIDS ARE TRYING TO SET US UP, ABORT ABORT.” (Nyanon, 2/3)
Now, in return for the AU, have! Another Concept: Dazatsu story-art swap AU! To be specific, Dazai is writing a story, and Atsushi keeps drawing fanart for it? So Dazai writes another chapter like “this is for you, your art’s amazing, I love you stranger on the Internet.” Atsushi then makes MORE art and flails, because “no my art isn’t that good bUT your writing is nice and I love it.” And then it’s just. Endless back and forth as they get crushes on each other. (Nyanon, 3/3)
bro the tangled dazatsu au has long haired atsushi- PLUS I DREW HIM but man now i wanna draw tangled dazatsu . AAAAAAAA- (also tomorrow ill have my math test PHEW WISH ME LUCK)
dazai and chuuya are perfect for exposure therapy, i mean they max so hard that atsushi and akutagawa Gotta get used to it (they never do). in another au chuuya and dazai would be the rich ceo sons about to inherit a company and are forced to be friends because of their fathers (for business) even though they despise each other. when they make each other mad theyll just angrily splurge on their boyfriends
so what youre saying is,,,,fandom dazatsu where dazai is a fic writer and atsushi is a fanartist??? alright B E T IM CRYING
dazai is a well known fanfic author in the fandom whos genres span from horror to just pure fluff. hes a whole writing machine and nobody knows what time zone hes in because he always seems to be awake at the weirdest times. Because of his range in fanfic genres many people in the fandom reads his works and hes the type to spontaneously start a multi chaptered fic out of nowhere- hell hes the type to start many multi chaptered work out of nowhere and just drop them and say hes “fueled by coffee” (he rarely follows others and his ratio is “skinny” as they say and he only seems to be close with and interact mostly with chuuya and akutagawa who bully the shit out of each other )
meanwhile atsushi is a relatively infamous fanartist for his fandom (among others) who falls in love with dazais writing and has always enjoyed it. hes the type to mostly draw fluff but will occasionally pull out the dark stuff 
anYWAYS. one day dazai looks at his mentions (because hes an attention whore okay) and catches atsushis art. completely mesmerised by it he instinctively reblogs/tweets and probably gives a chill compliment but the way atsushi reacts to it immediately makes him become more affectionate towards atsushi (even immediately hitting the follower button)
eventually they move on from interacting to dazai finally hitting the dms and they just hit it off okay </3
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