#cause of death: overload of book feels

[iliveforyouilongforyouvesuvia]

M6 after seeing a sad play/reading a sad book?

The Arcana HCs: M6 when MC cries over a sad story

~ I hope you don't mind my take on the prompt, anon, but I couldn't pass up the chance to have the M6 comfort a sad fiction-loving MC. This is for anyone who's read a reversed ending XD enjoy! - brainrot ~

Julian

Initially thrown into a slight panic. You're crying. Are you hurt? Where does it hurt? Tell him, he wants to help fix it!

Once he knows the tears are from emotional pain, his priority is on comforting you. Immediately pulls you into his chest and gives you one of his famous hugs

But also, why are you crying? Is the story really that gut-wrenching?

Morbidly intrigued, because it seems like a strangely cathartic way to wallow in grief and despair that doesn't involve drinking himself under the table, all alone in the corner of the Rowdy Raven while Barth counts his drinks and looks annoyingly concerned for him

Hesitantly asks if he could read it too

Devours the entire thing in one sitting, somehow gets even more invested than you do and turns into a sniffling mess when the angst hits. It hurts so good, and not even in the way he's used to!

Somehow listening to him wax poetic about the tragedy of the characters makes your own pain feel a little sweeter

Now you've got him in your arms while he works out his feelings, and you two are definitely doing this again, this is amazing

Asra

Drops everything as soon as they hear the first sniffles from your direction

He can tell from your bond that you're experiencing some serious grief, and he's so sweetly worried about you that he's not asking any questions, he's just curling up with you and wiping your tears

They do piece it together after a few minutes though - either by noticing the story in your hands or because you straight up told them

So relieved when he finds out it was just a story (he was starting to worry that somebody had died) that he starts to laugh

Which of course lands them in so much hot water, because it's not just a story, those characters were real in your heart and they won't stop giggling while they pet you and seriously Asra, it's not funny while you struggle not to join in

You both know that he hasn't actually done anything wrong, but he still feels bad for laughing so he tries to earn your forgiveness by cheering you up

Dropping little trinkets in your lap, telling you the cheesiest jokes, tickling you with kisses until they see that smile again and all is right with the world

Nadia

Goes straight into problem-solving mode as soon as she sees your tear-streaked face

Something's happened to hurt you. What is it?

Will not take silence for an answer, she'll treat you gently but she won't let up until you tell her why you're crying (even if you feel a little foolish about it - she takes you very seriously)

And it's because she takes you so seriously that she's very torn on how to react when the truth comes out: you read a sad story

It's cuteness overload for her. It doesn't matter how pretty or ugly of a crier you are, the sheer amount of empathy you're displaying right now is going straight to her heart and she is struggling

Will pull you straight into her chest to cuddle you and let you cry it out so you can't see the amused grin on her face

She is biting her lip to keep from fawning over you, because the last thing she wants to do is to make you feel small or foolish but oh my goodness you're adorable like this and it's taking all of her self restraint not to squeeze you to death right now

If there are suddenly more tragedies lying around in the library, no there aren't

Muriel

Very concerned

It doesn't matter to him how big or small the issue is that's causing you so much pain, you're clearly hurting and he's sad to see it

Will approach you very gently and quietly ask if there's anything he can do to help you feel better, or if you just want some space for a while to process whatever it is that's making you cry

Perfectly fine with letting you snuggle up to him. Hey, he has a whole big cloak that makes for excellent tear-wiping material

He's the kind of guy who will sit quietly and give you the most nonjudgmental attention, for as long as you need it to feel seen and heard and validated

Cue you breaking down and giving him the most teary, disjointed version of the story you've read while his big, calloused thumbs brush away whatever's left of your tears

Because there was this character, right? And you really, really liked him, ok? And then this terrible thing happened, and it sounds pretty bad, but when you add the backstory to it it only gets worse -

He's having a little difficulty following you, but he's listening to you and he's holding you and he's definitely hiding that book

Portia

Oh, you found a tear-jerker

She's read a few of those. You should have seen her back when she was practicing her reading while Nadia was in a coma, she had this tragedy phase and went through so many handkerchiefs

Easily the best-prepared for this. She knows how cathartic it is to cry it out, so she sets you up on her sofa with some tea and snacks and a fluffy blanket and the cat until you feel better

Now that you've recovered, and she's buttered you up ...

Tell her which book it was

Because she's read so many at this point, and she's halfway hoping it's one that she knows so she can commiserate with you and gush over the characters

And if it's one that she hasn't read yet, she still wants to know because it's been way too long since she's read something that really tugged at her heart strings and she misses the angst!

Either way, now that she knows you enjoy that she's starting a book club with you

Fictional angst sessions are so much livelier when she's sitting across from you, punching a throw pillow while she rants

Lucio

Upset on your behalf as soon as he sees your state. Why is his MC crying? Nobody makes his MC cry!

He's a little disheartened when you tell him it was just a story you read and the ending was sadder than you expected it to be and now you just need to cry about it a little

Wraps his cloak around you first and then both his arms (he doesn't want the cold metal to shock or pinch you) and asks what happened. What went wrong? Who did this to you, MC? Who does he need to fight?

Takes a moment to offer you a manly shoulder to cry on while he tries to figure out his next move

Can he read? Yes. Does he spend a lot of time reading? Not really. Can he relate to what you're going through right now? Nope

Starts listing off suggestions for how he can make you feel better. Do you want to pet the dogs? Do some magic? Eat some food?

Spots the book you were reading at one point and grabs it right out of your hands. He would shred it if you didn't ask him to be careful with it, so he settles for scolding the inanimate object that made you cry

Very self-satisfied at the giggle that gets out of you

#ask arcana brainrot #the arcana #the arcana headcanons #the arcana hc #asra the arcana #julian the arcana #nadia the arcana #muriel the arcana #portia the arcana #lucio the arcana #the arcana game #the arcana fluff #asra alnazar #julian devorak #nadia satrinava #muriel of the kokhuri #portia devorak #lucio morgasson

[yuritarot444]

PICK A PILE 🫀

˚ ༘♡ ·˚BOOK WITH ME ₊˚ˑ༄

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I’m doing paid readings, here’s the link to my prices :) it’s super cheap to book with me and you won’t be disappointed, so why not take a chance? You will definitely have insight and clarity once you book with me now! 5 dollars for a reading and 10 dollars depending on how detailed you want the reading. (A more detailed reading is 20 bucks) learn more about the prices by checking out my list linked below!

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Pick a pile, 1, 2, 3, or 4.

How to pick a pile:

Choose a picture that’s to your liking, a picture you feel connected to, then read the number of the picture you chose! :) this is a general romance reading.

☽

PILE l ✯

For those who chose pile one, there is a lot of pain here. You’ve lost someone and you are in mourning. Wether be it from death or separation. Right now its hard for you. There is so much conflict that cause you to hurt. The changes you are facing are sad and hurtful and you are trying too cope. Don’t lose hope though because i see there will be new love entering your life. This person is you’re soulmate. They will be your lover. It will be a perfect union that is will help you heal and grow with this person. Beware though you’ll never get better if you continue to hold onto things or people that you have lost. You need to move on in order to find your happy place with the new person coming in. Be careful not to be too possessive either. Try to be humble, everything will come in time and be put in its place for you. On the other hand i see an opportunity for you with career, you will have financial stability when it comes to this opportunity so take this chance and everything will be going good for you.

PILE ll ✯

For those who chose pile two, there’s a lot of change coming your way. It’s been hard for you in you’re life but you will be coming out of a painful situation. Do not be afraid of change because the change that is coming is going to be what you need to get yourself up again. You’re afraid but you don’t have to be. You are indecisive about a situation and you don’t want too make the decision because your scared but you should choose your decision now. It will lead you down a good path. There will be good news coming in for you. You might get a phone call and be making exciting plans, so go out there and make those choices because it’s leading you down an exciting path.

PILE lll ✯

For those who chose pile three, you’ve been overloaded with stress could be because of work or problems in your life. There is too many responsibilities for you to tackle all at once and its hard for you. You feel restricted and that you are being taken for granted. Things may not be going you’re way. Someone might’ve cheated and broke you’re heart. You could’ve fell in love with you’re one night stand but it might have not gone well and turns out they were a terrible person. In this time you are going to be on your way of success, you might be planning or coming up with new ideas. You will have a breakthrough. You will realize the truth and do what you need to. You will be self employed or doing well in your career and you will be manifesting whatever you want and working hard with focus to achieve your dreams and goals, which will come true.

PILE IV ✯

For those who chose pile four, you’re going through a struggle because of you’re relationship, and your at your last breaking point. It’s become so stressful and you might want to leave the connection. There’s a lot of regret, guilt, and remorse. Be strong everything is happening for a good reason, it might not feel like it now, but there is a purpose for all of this. The relationship will end and you will be free of this connection. You will let go of this connection and move on. For this ending will bring about a new beginning. This will transform you and heal you for better to come. It might be a battle, but once you fight for what it is you want it will happen for you.

☻

Thanks for staying and reading if you enjoyed and you wanna know more dm me for a more detailed reading! It's cheap and affordable and you won't regret it! See you soon.

#tarot reading #love tarot reading #general tarot reading #tarot card #money tarot reading #tarot online #general reading #money reading #tarot community #medium #pick a pile #pick a card #trust your instincts #intuition #spiritualpath #spiritual energy #spiritual reading #spiritual community #romance tarot card reading #romance pick a pile #general pick a pile

[thekimspoblog]

The simple fact is... all lawyers deserve to die. When you make impactful decisions about the world and other people's lives, you will inevitably do some harm. And eventually, we will all have to face the music for it.

So how does Kim die? If it were up to me, I'd take a page out of the ending of "Wicked"; the book, not the musical. In the end, Kim got the life she wanted, or at least as close to it as she could reasonably ask for. She was the hero; she fought an all-powerful unjust system, and on many occasions, she even won. But every step of the way, the price was always steeper than she initially thought, and she paid dearly. By her early 70's she's lost love, and family, and her principles, and parts of her sanity, and even a few fingers and toes, to a righteous cause. And now, in her tower, she can feel the world closing in on her; if she has no regrets then why does she feel so, so sad? Life will scar you, and finally we have an answer to who Kim Wexler is at her very core, because everything else has been hacked away, piece by piece.

And then she dies. And unlike the other deaths in Breaking Bad, I'd like to end "Slippin' Kimmy" by following her into the afterlife. She's not reunited with her husband; that would be too cheesy. In fact, she can't even find herself. There is no heaven, no hell, not even the respite of the black void. Just chaos and sensory overload, and Colin Stetson music. She's punished for her misdeeds, but not in a way that would have been any different, if she had lived a pure life. Dissolution is what awaits us all, the weak and the strong alike. We can go to our graves with some peace of mind, knowing history will remember us albeit inaccurately, but that doesn't change the horror of what really lies beyond the curtain.

So yeah... even if I were the one writing the story, "Slippin' Kimmy" would rather definitively end after 2 seasons.

@somethin-stupid-67 sorry that the FotD is depressing today, but it had to be said.

#better call saul #kim wexler #slippin kimmy #fan sequel #breaking bad #brba #rhea seehorn #all men are mortal #elphaba thropp

[djservo]

not only did you beat me but i am horrifically late.. how embarrassing for me! however(!), i have finally made it to ask you the oh so important question: how much chocolate did you eat over the easter weekend? do you get a long weekend in the us? oh and i guess how did your march reading go? any spring time specific reads or other things you’re looking forward to?

FEELS GOOD TO WIN ONE!!!! 😪👏 tbh I'm not that big on sweets + easter treats especially seem like overload to me BUT I've been rationing a bag of cadbury mini eggs for the past week and it's been a delight in my day!!! pep in my step!! my work gave us friday off + IIRC they do the same in schools too? but I also took off thursday bc I was going to a wedding with friends so extra long weekend praise be 🏝️ oh yes and the reading part!!

Song of Solomon by Toni Morrison

I think I was halfway thru this during our last round-up and I already knew it was gonna be my fav Morrison thus far but Wowwwwwowow an already gripping story and then the final third just smacks ya outta nowhere and floors you!!! which is wild because I was already completely into it when things were unraveling in the way of slice of life / reckoning with family history and curses - such a fleshed out setting and cast of characters - but then it twists into this epic adventure at the very last second and it's just crazy how something already so layered can get even dizzier, and how complete it still feels! not overdone or rushed at all, just complete magic!!

Of Death. Minimal Odes by Hilda Hilst

there's just somethin about Hilda!!! perfect balance between bare bones simplicity + profundity to me - maybe it's striking because of how simple it is, or conversely reads as straightforward (a minimal ode if U will) because it's as if she's speaking truths that could only be articulated in a surreal way. WHO KNOWS !!! similar to my experience with With My Dog Eyes I was left with this certain ennui where it seemed like something didnt click immediately but then ofc I thought about specific lines for days and weeks after + craving more of her writing. a slow burn of affection! and the translation is so beautiful!! got me thinking about how a translator isn't ever Just translating, but also has to wear the hat of the author they're translating which is so beautifully layered to me + I have so much respect for it as an art itself

Girls to the Front by Sara Marcus

I was excited for this bc riot grrrl is interwoven in so many things/people I admire but it fell pretty flat. didn't care for Marcus's uneven prose throughout which felt peppered in as an afterthought + it was clear which topics/bands/figures Marcus favored in how much more attention + depth she gave them, which maybe is inevitable when you're personally connected to a subculture but I feel like if you're describing a book as "an epic, definitive history" of a movement, you shouldn't be so blatantly biased? it's also kinda funny in an ironic way how she condenses the experience of queer women and WOC feeling left out in a matter of like. 4 pages total. then goes back to essentially a Kathleen Hanna love fest (whomst I also love!!! but that's not what this book should've been!!) then again, I don't expect a white woman to sufficiently examine and/or encapsulate the intricacies of intersectionality so whatevz . flopperoni

Assata by Assata Shakur

I've had a copy of this for yearssss but I'm kinda glad I waited til now because it made me think so much of Leila Khaled's memoir at parts in their undying loyalty to the cause and unashamed criticism of the radical groups they longed to be apart of - in this case, the BPP and its gendered hierarchy - and it's just nice to be able to have this bridge between revolutionaries + revolutions, the embodiment of fighting the same struggle / no one being free until everyone's free. powerful and unflinching yet completely grounded and lucid in reflection - no detail felt out of place and no indictment felt gratuitous. completely demoralizing at parts (as if the american justice system could seem any more like a joke) and particularly bleak to see how relevant so much of this feels decades later (but also unsurprising when you think about america's enactment + sustaining of brutality as a well-oiled machine, the very core of its existence). just all around special and profound

for april I planned to read some short story collections but already I feel myself straying + craving something juicier so I may just let this be another wildcard month as far as ~theme goes like sorry but the heart wants what it wants and in this case it's bret easton ellis seediness!! happy spring!!!

#wishing hoping praying I dont get flagged for that hilda hilst cover it's just too good PLEASE LET US HAVE ONE NIPPLE 🙏 #asks #devitalise #reads

[drama--universe]

Blind Fate

Requested by @felixphobix: the reader is also a wandering cultivator that happens to run into xxc (when he's already blind) and they become friends. And slowly also develop feelings for each other.

Pairing: Xiao Xingchen x reader

Word Count: 2843 words

Warnings: doesn't follow the series/book (I made some stuff up to fit my story), clichés, death and gore

A/N I am so sorry for the long wait, some personal stuff happened which caused me to not have much free time and work on this. Also, sorry beforehand 😅

Xingchen was just wandering on the road, just trusting the road to take him to the nearest town. The cloth on his eyes felt itchy, but he didn't remove it and just tried to ignore. He didn't want someone to see his eyes on accident, because he was never a hundred percent sure if someone was around or not.

He had been walking for awhile until he finally heard the distant chattering of people. As he approached closer and closer, the chatter grew louder and louder. His hearing started to get overloaded, and he winced. He was not yet used to his hearing getting better after the loss of his eyes, so he got a sensory overload everytime he entered a new town. Nonetheless, he continued to walk through the town as he tried to concentrate on certain things. He could hear people calling around to sell their food, others calling to sell clothes and jewelry. His stomach rumbled at the thought of eating, but he had barely enough for a hotel for the night. So he chose a roof above his head instead of a full stomach.

Thanks to an elderly lady, who was kind enough to tell him the way, he was on his way to the hotel. The lady was also kind enough to warn him of the thieves in the area, but Xingchen was not that worried about that as a cultivator.

You on the other hand, had finally arrived back home. Your grandmother greeted you at home before happily sending you back into town for some errands that she had forgotten to take care off. So you were back in town, looking for a food stand with decent prices. However, a loud arguing interrupted your search and you knew the cause immediatley. So you wrapped your hand around your sword hilt as you headed into the hallway.

Lo and behold, there stood the 9 delinquents teenagers that surrounded a man dressed in white. The man wasn't from here, that much you could tell and the white cloth that covered his eyes was intriguing to say the least. You shook your head and pulled up your sword, but paused halfway when the mystery man pulled a sword out as well and started to fight of the delinquents. But when you looked closer, you noticed that he wasn't harming any of them except for the few bruises they would have. His sword was sheathed and he was basically just hitting them. Minutes later, all 9 delinquents were down and the man sighed loudly.

"Nice." You mumbled and he froze, his head lifting slightly to where you stood in his head. He was only slightly off, glancing a bit to your right. His hand moved to his sword again and out of instinct you lifted your hands.

"Not with them!" You exclaimed and his hand relaxed before dropping again.

"Just a helping person... Not that you needed help." You said as you kicked one of the delinquent's' arm gingerly, watching if he would move. He just groaned softly, moving his arm a bit.

"Definitely didn't need help..." You continued, not noticing that the guy had started to walk past you. Not until he bumped into you, making you turn.

"So, what's your name?" You asked as you walked next to him and he stopped again, sighing again before continuing.

"Oh, come on! Mine's (Y/F/N) and I grew up here, learning martial arts from my father until my parents left me here with grandma." You started rambling and Xingchen had slowed his pace to match yours, listening carefully as you explained your story. He was intrigued to find out more of the so trusting person that he had just met. Why you were so open about yourself was a mystery to him, but it was nice to not have someone avoid him and even talk to him. So he just listened.

"You're staying at the hotel, right?" You suddenly paused your rambles, pointing at the hotel before realizing how stupid it was to point the way for someone who was blind. You lowered your hand as he nodded, walking to the hotel. You doubted if he was really blind with how perfect he walked, until you saw him trip over a few stairs before using his sword to guide himself. You didn't follow him and instead went back to your business, starting to think of a decent excuse to tell your grandmother.

But of course, you went to the hotel again at dawn to try and get the stranger to speak again. Unfortunately, he did not. So you came again the next day... and the next day and then once more. On the third day, he cracked and told you his name.

Xiao Xingchen.

Now knowing his name, you continued to ask questions. He, however, didn't want to share more than the fact that he was a cultivator like you. So that's when you stopped asking, now clear that he would not share more than that. You were okay with that, maybe you'd hear it from him another time.

But then he announced he was leaving the town and you immediately offered to join him, which he surprisingly accepted.

So you waited for him at the hotel around 7 am, sitting on the stairs while whistling a small tune. Not much later, he joined. He stood next to you, listening to you whistling before making his presence know by softly nudging you with his foot. You stopped whistling, glancing up to see the man beside you and smiled to yourself.

"Hello." You greeted as you stood up, brushing off your clothes before grabbing your supplies.

"So, where are we going?" You asked as you started walking, following the other cultivator slowly.

"Just following my senses." He answered and you frowned slightly, pausing your step.

"So you don't have any plans?" You asked and he nodded, having sensed your stop and slowing his pace as well.

"No." "Great! Unexpected adventure!" You exclaimed happily, surprising the male once again.

Your first stop was deep in the forest, covered by the trees from the rain that poured from the skies. Luckily, you were covered enough from the downpour that you only felt small drops every now and then. Your fire was burning as well, keeping you warm as it dried your clothes and heated up your body. You were sitting next to Xingchen, who was leaning against the tree, and you couldn't help but ponder.

"Why do you wear that cloth over your eyes?" You asked, glancing at him. He didn't say anything for a few seconds, but you saw his hand flinch slightly upwards before he laid his hand back on his leg.

"To hide my eyes." He said and you frowned, turning to face him.

"Why though? Aren't your eyes just white? Why should you hide that?" You continued and his head dropped a bit.

"I wasn't born blind." He finally answered after a long pause and you grew quiet.

"Then... how did it happen?" You asked quietly and he sighed loudly, hands toying with his white clothes.

"I gave them away." He mumbled and you frowned again, confused at what he meant. But you didn't ask this time, seeing that he didn't want to continue. So you grew silent again, listening to the raindrops and the crackling of the firewood. You had a small feeling that you didn't even want to know the truth anyway.

When you left the next morning, he did seem a bit more open and cheery. He gave smiles when you gave a comment about something you saw, whether an animal or something pretty. He listened carefully as you explained the beautiful sights while walking the roads. Sometimes he asked more details or he'd thank you for sharing the world that he couldn't see anymore.

After 3 days of travel, you arrived in a town. It was different then the 2 before and you wished that you had stopped in the previous town. This one was covered in a low and thick fog, all houses had their door and windows shut tightly. The most disturbing part, however, was the silence. It was so quiet that you could hear the ruffling of your clothes and the shuffling of your shoes on the ground.

"This doesn't feel right..." You mumbled as you looked around, Xingchen agreeing after listening for a few more seconds. You felt a shiver go up your spine as you continued your way.

"Maybe we should go to the next town." You mumbled as you clutched your sword closer to your body.

"We should return to the previous one." He said and you nodded, turning around before shrieking loudly as an old lady appeared behind you. She didn't say anything as she passed by you, not even reacting to your scream. But once she passed Xingchen, her figure disappeared.

"What?" "Ghost." You answered, clutching his arm. Xingchen tried to calm his beating heart as he felt you hug him.

"Let's go then." He said, not seeming fazed by your ghost-spotting as you returned to the previous town. You slept in the inn after asking some information about the ghost town, which the inn keeper didn't want to talk about. But Xingchen insisted to go back to cleanse the town, helping the people who ran away from said town. Nighttime fell and you were in your room. Xingchen was meditating in the middle of the room and you couldn't help but stare at him. His hair was flowing down his back, the ribbon gone and you wanted to run your fingers through his hair since it looked so soft.

"Why are you staring at me?" He asked, snapping you out of your trance.

"You look pretty." You blurted out and he chuckled as you slapped your hands over your mouth in shock of your statement.

"I didn't mean to say that." You admitted, as you pulled your legs up to your chest.

"Thank you nonetheless." He said as he cracked his back softly before getting up.

"I think you're an amazing person." He then said, making you chuckle as well.

"Thank you." You replied and he smiled to himself.

"You should sleep on the bed today." You then commented, but he quickly denied as he started to make a place on the floor. You, however, didn't agree and quickly pulled his arm, yanking him towards the bed. He tried to get up, but you pulled him again. He stumbled again, falling down and pulling you with him. You both laid on the bed and you laid almost on top of him, your face just millimeters away from his. You quickly got up, your face flushing before you quickly grabbed one pillow and laid on the ground.

"You shouldn't sleep on the ground either." He said after sitting up and you sighed softly.

"I'll survive for one night." "Come on." He continued to persist, pulling your arm this time. Choosing to not resist anymore, you just let him pull you back on the bed and laid down. You two just laid next to each other on your backs, awkwardly trying to fall asleep. You thought he had fallen asleep and turned your head, staring at Xingchen's side profile for a few seconds.

"Are you going to keep staring?" He suddenly asked and you awkwardly looked away.

"How did you know?" "I can sense it." He replied and you hummed in response, tapping your fingers on your stomach.

"So... You can't sleep either?" You then asked and he shook his head slightly, making you ask why and he replied that he was thinking. You turned around on your side again, asking about what to which he applied with turning his head your way.

"You." He replied and you couldn't help but chuckle at the response, not thinking that he was serious. Soon you realized that he was serious and you couldn't help but hide your face, even when he couldn't see it. You turned around again, laying on your back. Xingchen raised his hand and grabbed yours, pulling it to lay in between you two. And you stayed quietly like that fir the rest of the night, both of you smiling as you fell asleep.

The next day, you woke up in his arms while he was still sleeping soundly. You didn't move away and just enjoyed the situation. He woke up about 15 minutes later, but didn't move either until 10 minutes later. Neither of you acknowledged it, but you did feel like you were much closer than before. You decided early that you would return to the ghost town to look around and find a way to return it to normal. So you headed out, holding Xingchen's hand in yours as you walked.

When you reached the entrance of the town, you stopped as you heard something. You let go of Xingchen's hand and after some searching, you found a man. He was beaten up, face different shades of blues and purples, and he was covered in scratches as well. You quickly went to help the man, who didn't respond to any of your calls but was awake (his eyes were blinking after all). You helped the man sit up and quickly looked at his wounds.

"He needs help." You called out to Xingchen as you hoisted up the man.

"He won't make it to the previous town, so I'll treat him here. Can you go back and get some herbs, please?" You asked and he nodded before helping you move the man from the road and to the town. After placing the man down, he turned to you and bid you goodbye.

"Be safe." You said as you quickly kissed his cheek before focusing on the man's wounds. He seemed to become fully conscious as you finished bandaging his last wound. He didn't say anything, even though he clearly wanted to say something, and he eventually gave up.

"Your voice will be back soon, you were just dehydrated. As soon as your throat dehydrates, your voice will be back." You commented as you handed him a cup with healing tea that you had made yourself. He took it, smelling it before downing it. You chuckled as you grabbed the large bowl of now dirty water and all the cloths you had used before carrying them out. You emptied the bowl next to your cottage and threw the cloths in a bag outside before coming back inside.

"I fixed your clothes as well." You said as you handed him his clothes, which made him look down at his body. You awkwardly chuckled as he put on his clothes again, hissing at every movement that strained his body.

Xingchen returned not much later, carrying different kinds of herbs. You quickly made some medicine before giving it to the mystery man, who drank it with a sour look.

You stayed in the town for the night, luckily without anymore ghost-spotting, and you slept next to Xingchen again. You stayed in the ghost town for a week, growing closer to Xingchen and learning more about the mystery man you had rescued. He was able to talk now, although his voice was still raspy, but he didn't remember much. He even said that he didn't remember his name.

A week more pas as you stayed in the town, only going back to the other once a day for necessities like food. The man you had found was now completely healed from his wounds and bruises. He still didn't talk much, but you never tried to talk to him much anyway. Your relationship with Xingchen had grown to be more then holding hands. You had moved on to goodnight kisses and sometimes even pda in broad daylight, but you held that to a minimum because of your guest.

Today, however, Xingchen went to the other town alone, leaving you alone with the other male. It was a bit awkward at first, but you soon continued with your chores as you talked to him.

"You love him?" He suddenly said, his voice breaking a bit in the middle because of his lack of talking. You looked up with a smile, nodding at him. He started fiddling with his clothes and you stepped closer to him.

"You should talk to him some more. You two could be good friends." You continued, crouching in front of him and patting his head softly. He then looked up, staring at you with a smirk.

"You're right." He replied and you smiled again, putting your arms on your knees to stand up. You were stopped, however, by a sword piercing through your stomach. You looked back up to the man, seeing that his smirk had only grown bigger.

"But you're in the way for that." He continued before pulling the sword up into your ribcage. You felt yourself cough up some blood, your hand flying up to grab onto his shoulder for some support. He pushed you off immediatley, scowling as he wiped the blood off of his sword before looking back at you.

And just as Xingchen returned, your vision grew darker before your last breath escaped as you watched the man smirk at you again. You died then and there with the feeling of dread and fear consuming your whole being.

#untamed #the untamed #untamed x reader #the untamed x reader #mdzs #mdzs x reader #Xiao Xingchen #xiao xingchen x reader #xingchen #xingchen x reader #xue yang #xue yang x reader #reader insert #x reader

[silawastaken]

HELLO, ITS CHRIXYTY FROM AO3!!!! i decided to make a tumblr account just so i can interact with you on here :3 why? because i can. dont question me. i do strange things sometimes. (a lot of the time) but dont we all?

(i was serious when i said i would stop hovering like a ghost and start interacting. you better expect a LOT of comments from me from now on BECAUSE I JUST NEED TO SHOW MY APPRECIATION.)

ANYWAYS CHAPTER 13 🙇‍♀️🙇‍♀️ THANK YOU FOR THIS WONDERFUL PIECE OF ART. THIS WHOLE FIC IS A MASTERPIECE AND I LOVE THE ANGST !!! (ESPECIALLY DAZAI ANGST 🤗)

like im not even joking no fic has ever made my heart pound every second i read it before...like literally nothing could be happening and my heart is pounding at 150 bpm like damn its so good you might give me a heart attack frfr.

chuuyas so dense but i can kinda get his point of view :( UGH the slow burn is just making me anticipate the moment he finds out dazai's his soulmate even more...(betting chuuya will punch dazai out of anger because he realises dazai did all those things to himself...and then he'll feel the pain from the punch and be 100% certain and will start bawling cause idk emotion overload?? i can imagine it but yea im yapping a lot haha)

OH AND HIS FRIENDS FINDING OUT ABOUT ODAS DEATH??? AHH

also it makes me happy when authors refer to the canon universe in their fics somewhere like when dazai called his friends his "little detective agency" like its a small detail but it just makes me happy.

okay im SERIOUSLY yapping way too much but i needed to get all this out somewhere. my bsf is getting sick of me talking so much grrrrr >:(

(permission to one day when this fic is finished print it all out and bind it?? so i can forever keep it as like a memento and pass it down to future generations so they too can appreciate this amazing piece of literature??)

wow i wrote a lot. if only i could write this much for my fic in such a short time during writer's block.

WAITWAITWAITWAIT. I NORMALLY TRY TO ANSWER THESE TOPIC BY TOPIC BUT BINDING. MY. FIC???? HELL YES YOU HAVE PERMISSION WHAT THE HELL??? THAT'S SO COOL??? if i ask very nicely would you make me one too..? I'd pay postage and everything 🙏🙏 i wish i had the patience to bind fics into books but it requires so much time and patience that I don't have 😭

My only thing I would want to say is that I plan on revising some of the earlier chapters where it doesn't quite flow the way the rest of the chapters do, so if I finish it before I've done that (which probably won't happen, but just in case), I would recommend waiting a little!

ANYWAY. making an entire tumblr acc just to interact with me here? ...that's dedication man🫡 I already said it but I appreciate EVERY comment i get so i will be waiting with baited breath after every chapter!!

Glad you're loving the angst tho, I'm having a lot of the time throwing dazai and chuuya into a washing machine full of stones every chapter. great character building.

The reveals are gonna be so fun I can't wait to write them honestly. I'm so excited!!! Still got ages to go tho, so strap in it's gonna be a while.

I ALSO LOOOOVE REFERENCING THE CANON WHILE WRITING. THE NYE FLASHBACK WHERE DAZAI THINKS ABOUT HIS CONVERSATION WHERE THEY WANT TO BE DETECTIVES. OMG. I WAS SO PROUD OF THAT. AND THE 'soulmate detective agency'.

Do not feel bad about writing a lot cause I loved reading this and responding and once again YOU HAVE FULL PERMISSION TO BIND IT ONCE IT'S DONE.

#love talking to people #please keep yapping in my asks bc they're always so fun to read #bsd #ao3 fanfic #soukoku #soukoku fanfiction #bsd fanfic #silas yaps

[apictureofelizabethdarcy]

Y'all. I might be a little emotional tonight due to the overlap of post-period blues and being very very sick, but like... I am so excited for this new wave of PJO love. Because those books meant and continue to mean so damn much to me.

When I was 10 years old, I my dad bought the boxed set of the first four for me from a Scholastic book order. The last Olympian hadn't come out yet - it came out a month later. My dad chose it for me because it had Greek mythology, and I was going through a mythology phase at the time. I didn't know what he ordered, because he filled out the forms and sealed the envelope after my brother and I went to bed, and I took them to school the next day like a dutiful kid. When they came in, I had no idea what to expect, but I ended up devouring them. Because they made me feel seen in a way I never had before.

TW: adults not being assholes about neurodiversity, brief mentions of sexual harrassment and bullying, brief vague mention of self-harm, death of a loved one

You need to understand that at this time, I was your stereotypical "gifted" kid - undiagnosed dyslexic autistic with OCD and ADHD comorbidities. We lived in a super tiny rural town (like 16 people in my graduating class tiny) with very limited internet access (I had dial-up until I was 13) and virtually no support for my needs even if I had been diagnosed. The first time I had a meltdown from sensory overload, I couldn't stop crying and went catatonic - rather than being comforting, my teacher grabbed me by the shoulders and condescendingly asked if I'd "gone off my meds or something" and told me to pull it together. I also hit puberty super early, and was being sexually harrassed daily because of it, and nobody did anything about it. Not my teachers, not the principal, no one. When I told my parents, I was accused of being "melodramatic" and "overreacting." I learned pretty early that adults couldn't be trusted.

And then came Percy Jackson. And for the first time, I had a character like me - a nerd who played trading card games, who loved being in the water, who had ADHD and dyslexia. Who talked back and defended himself against the adults who talked down to him. And the whole story was about not being like your parents, about fighting for a better and more just world. A character who was powerful and funny and tough and whose disabilities were a part of his super power, not something to be overcome. And I fell in love with the series as a whole.

Like head over heels in love. It was embarrassing, actually. When I would lie awake at night, I would pretend that my parents weren't my real parents and that I was actually a child of Hermes who hadn't been claimed. I became obsessed with Ethan Nakamura - or at least, the self-indulgent, angst-and-lore fuelled fic version of him I created in my head. I started writing my diary entries pretending that I was Nico di Angelo. One of my first eer fanfics was just Clarisse and Percy talking and bonding over having shitty families, and her apologizing. It was VERY important to me that Clarisse be forgiveable back then. I sought out PerNico fanart when I was at the local library after school, and tried to create my own myth-o-magic cards but gave up when I couldn't figure out how to draw a manticore.

And then House of Hades came out two months before I turned 14. I borrowed my friend Axel's copy because I couldn't afford it, and oh boy did that hit me. I was going through a religious phase at the time but I was also coming into my bisexuality, and that caused a major personal crisis. So the scene with Cupid hit me really, really hard in a not good way. I remember sitting in my living room with my parents and brother while they watched Big Bang Theory, and I had to close the book and go to my room. I couldn't read for three days after that. But it also solidified my obsession with these books. 😅 A lot of other bad shit happened that year, to the point I started self-harming, and the PJO fandom provided comfort and community and distraction.

I spent the summer between eighth and ninth grade writing cringey Solangelo fic in which Will was a chronically barefoot Texas boy who got his first kiss playing truth or dare with Charlie Beckendorf. He liked Ed Sheeran and Taylor Swift, and they had their first dance to "Thinking Out Loud" while Lee played guitar by the fire. I set the wallpaper of my first ever cell phone to Nico fanart that I had to photograph because I didn't have internet access to download it. I played Paola Bennet's "Soldatino" on loop when I was having a bad day and pulled multiple all-nighters on my worst nights drawing PJO fanart.

Sword of Summer released my freshman year of high school. I borrowed a copy from an older boy I was hanging out with - I think his name was Michael? our friendship didn't last, but I'm grateful anway, because that book did. I had only been identifying as gender fluid for 9 months when that book came out, and my coming out was far from ideal. Meeting Alex was the coolest thing that could have happened to me. AND (s)he helped me to bond with my niece, who was 12 years old and already so much more aware than I had been at her age. I called her Magnus and she called me Alex - until we got the point in the book where they started dating.

And the summer after high school was super traumatic. I spent my summer helping my grandfather take care of my grandmother while on home hospice. It was emotionally draining, because this woman had as big a hand in raising me as my mother, but as the end got closer, she got mean and then violent. I was watching her die in slow motion, and it fucked me up big time. But during our moments of quiet, when she would be asleep and my grandfather was out in the garden, I would read Trials of Apollo, and even though those books hurt so deeply, it helped break me out of my numbness, and provided some great laughs along the way.

And when I got to college, the Riordanverse was one of the first things that helped me bond with the people who would become some of my best friends! I'll never forget sitting at the Rachel Carson dining room debating the phylogeny of sandwiches and discussing Red Pyramid with Sage and Kailtyn. I even tried (unsuccessfully) to make us Camp Halfblood T-shirts for candlenights one year. 😅

I know there are parts of the books that are problematic. But I also love this fandom so, so much, and I am so glad that it was able to touch so many of us. I still lay awake dreaming of Camp Halfblood. Of capture the flag and the rock wall of death, of blue coca cola and jelly beans. I buy blue Takis whenever I see them because they remind me of Percy. I can't drive past our local dam without snickering over the "dam snackbar." I know how much this series meant to my little queer neurodivergent heart, and I am really excited for the younger generation who may be discovering this world for the first time.

#percy jackson #percy jackson and the olympians #heroes of olympus #riordanverse

[msjr0119]

This life

PART ONE

The majority of characters belong to Pixelberry from The Royal Romance/Heir. This is an A/U - with only parts being linked to canon.

Series warnings ⚠️: Adult language, sexual, adultery, loss of a baby.

Based on the Netflix series- Sex/life. A few parts of dialogue are from the tv series.

Please do not read unless you are over 18 🔞

Tags: Because I’ve been gone MIA in like forever I don’t know who’s here anymore 🙈… so only tagging people who have asked previously.

@ao719 @kingliam2019 @txemrn

Previously: Introduction

****

School psychologists aren't supposed to write books or diaries about sex. Doing so would be considered 'unethical' and 'a fireable offense'. Lucky for you, ethics was never my strong suit.

****

“It’s good to see you, Brooks.”

“It’s Cooper-“ Due to the shock, this was the only thing that Riley could mutter. Finally making eye contact, he gave her the refined look of innocence. “My surname is now, Cooper.”

They say that New York City is one of the worlds best places to take a run. Running was never my forte- I impersonated Phoebe in that one episode of Friends. The emotional pain that I felt in this moment, I’m not sure how many miles my body could suffer before shutting down…

“Riley! Wait!”

****

Olivia Nevrakis was never one to leave the house without looking presentable. Her attire generally consisted of stiletto’s which matched anything that contained sequins. She always used to say that she wore these type of shoes for self defence. In the frantic attempt to catch up with Riley, this one time she accepted that sneakers would have to do.

“Where’s, Riley?” Liam questioned as he scrutinised the unusual appearance from their friend.

“I’m glad I’ve found you- I don’t know. I assumed that she came back here, to you both?”

“What do you mean, Olivia?” There was no need for an explanation- the figure that ambled towards them confirmed the reason behind Riley’s disappearance.

“What the fuck is he doing here?”

“It’s a free country, Linz…. Liam, looking good bro!”

“Listen to what I’m about to say, Drake.. I am not your ‘bro’…” Exaggerating the word ‘bro’, Drake took a big gulp as Liam squared up towards him. “If anything happens to Riley- I will kill you this time!”

“You haven’t got it in you, Li-“ The tension between the two old friends, could have exploded due to the overload of built up anger that had been formed over the years. Olivia ‘sacrificed’ herself, separating them both- as they continued providing death stares. Neither wanted to throw the first fist or insult any further- in that moment there was the realisation that they both wanted the same thing. For Riley to be found- safe. Drake stepped back, and to everybody’s surprise expressed a slight bit of remorse.

“I fucked up, Li. I know that. I regret it each and every day. At least she has Preston to look after her, he’s a lucky guy.”

“Preston is an intelligent and caring….” This slight description stabbed Drake in the heart- if given an opportunity Lindsey would continue to dig the ‘knife’ as revenge for the pain that he had caused her sister. “Preston… he’s… The most an amazing three year old.”

“Excuse me?”

“Preston is my nephew- Riley’s son.” Awareness had finally hit, Drake- he had his wires crossed. Wishing that he hadn’t mentioned Preston, the confirmation of his identity now pulled on his heartstrings. Concealing his true feelings, he nodded to the trio- before leaving without another word.

“Lindsey, Liam- myself and Drake… it’s not what you are both assuming. I would never do that to, Ri. I can explain. It was just bad timing.” Olivia pleaded her innocence- she now knew that the jetlag would have to be put on hold whilst she explained the unexpected return of Drake Walker.

****

January 3rd

Let’s try this again. Drama. Life is always full of it in my case. The life of Riley Brooks. It probably would make more entertainment than the Kardashian’s.

Alcohol acts in crazy ways. It affects people differently. It can make you feel invisible- or at least it did for me tonight. I still can’t remember how I had the energy or knowledge on how to get home safely. Walking up the drive, I noticed my snobby and nosey neighbours- Hannah and Neville peering out the window. My brain was informing me to provide them with the middle finger gesture. Instead I gave a friendly neighbour wave along with the biggest fake smile that I could provide. The curtain soon shut as the pair probably scurried away like the rats that they are. What dickheads. If I know Hannah well, I can predict that she will visit tomorrow with a basket full of freshly baked muffins waiting for the tea to be spilled. The women here believe that they are the real life ‘Desperate Housewives’. Riverside may appear to be a seemingly perfect neighbourhood but like Wisteria Lane - here it more than likely also hides; many secrets, crimes, forbidden romances and domestic struggles.

Betrayal. It can occur in different ways. But you never expect it to happen with people whom you loved. The same two people who you trusted with all your heart once upon a time.

My husband is as gorgeous inside as out. I’ve never once caught him looking at another woman. To be honest, I’ve never caught him in a lie- or had proof to prove any potential deceit. So what’s the problem?

“Honey, where are you?”

“I’m upstairs, Nate.”

“Ri, things have been super crazy at work. You have no idea.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. We’re talking post-merger madness. Everyone is just angling for a position. They are all trying to show off for the new boss, you know.” Katrina- fantastic, little miss perfect Katrina. You can say her name, Nate. “She’s great, she wants to do all the things that I want to do- but on a much larger scale.”

“Wow.” Attempting to show a slight bit of interest, Riley didn’t realise how sarcastic that she may have sounded.

“Yeah, people are swarming- but she sees me. She loves me.” Nate noticed that Riley was in a daze, as she didn’t respond to him immediately. Laying next to her, he planted an attentive kiss on her forehead. “What’s up?”

“Nothing. I just miss you.”

“Excuse me. It’s her.” Acting dumb, Riley knew exactly who was on the other line. It’s a bit late for a work business call. “It’s her, my boss…. I won’t be long, Ri…’Katrina, hey! How are you?’” Laughing during his conversation, Riley couldn’t remember the last time he had laughed like that towards her.

The problem for Katrina, Nate Cooper is married to me. Before I met him, I had been contorted into a high percentage of the positions in the Kama sutra. Shouldn’t we all? There was rich guys, poor guys, tattooed guys, the one night stand guys. Any kind of man. Do I sound like a whore?

“We’ll sit down tomorrow just you and I, to discuss it Kat. See you then, bye.” Kat? Pet names now. The old boss was known as Mr Wilson- not by first name terms.

“Told ya, Ri. She loves me.”

“Who doesn’t?” Riley replied again in a sarcastic type of way.

I bet people often wonder why I married some man who was so straight-laced as to say. Honestly, it’s because of all the past encounters- especially, Walker. My nerves were so shot by the time that I had met Nate. As I’ve said previously I was vulnerable. My heart was riding on fumes- the stability that he offered was a soothing balm. At the time, I wanted us to live for a hundred years and die at the exact same moment to avoid any pain. I hoped that our souls would find each other on the other side- if that truly exists. We could fall in love all over again….I just also want to fuck Nate’s brains out, mainly as a distraction from the impromptu night that I have just had. Is that too much to ask?

****

January 4th

Last night or rather this morning was a complete disaster… When you have the urge to fuck your partner- you need to do it there and then, right? Why is it so hard to both be in the mood at the same time once you are married with kids? The way things are at the moment, I feel I’m like a reborn virgin.

“I’m sorry, I forgot to ask. Ioana mentioned that Liam and Lindsey came over. You should have gone out.”

That supportive look that he provided, was the complete opposite of what he would have really expressed. If he knew the truth, the calmness of his voice would be a different matter. Is he a controlling husband? Maybe. Protective- yes. What he doesn’t understand, is that I need to let my hair down once in a blue moon.

“I wasn’t up to it.”

To prevent my lie from being exposed I turned my phone into ‘Do not disturb’ mode.

“Besides, you’re back now….”

I reach down, making the first move. Faking orgasms- does anyone else do this?

“It’s so good.”

“Sorry, Ri- I can’t…. I’m too tired.”

Drake would never do that. He would see to all my needs. Why am I comparing them?

“Pass me the vibrator.”

It’s been nearly two years since Nate went down on me for example. I grew an entire human being in my body in half of that time.

“For fuck sake!”

I feel like screaming, due to the frustration of not only Nate ‘dying’ on me but now B.O.B does it too.

“Fuck it.”

After a slight yawn followed by a stretch, Nate snuggled into Riley-completely oblivious to his wife’s dissatisfaction. “Night baby.”

It wasn’t always like this. As much as children are a blessing- is this the reason that explains the loss of Nate’s libido or is it truly down to his work load? The passion we had has now declined, faded into something that is now virtually non existent. This must be the definition of growing up; getting married and living the family routine with a waning passion. Now I’m starving. Internally screaming at him from inside my mind trying to make us feel - something. Love is a drug, that’s what they say- right? Adrenaline. I can get that feeling again, every time I close my eyes - going back to any one of those nights in the past- I feel it. It’s not some allusive high that I’m chasing- it is - or was, real. That was the other Riley Brooks- the true, me. A wild-child. How can a girl fuck up with every relationship? I don’t know how I manage to do it? Maybe I should have worked on my brief relationship with Liam- my now brother in law. But, that’s a different story which included a poor teenage waitress in a dive bar and Lady Liberty.

****

January 5th

For this entry, I cannot allow for it to be discovered by Nate.

Deceit- the act or practice of deceiving; concealment or distortion of the truth for the purpose of misleading; duplicity; fraud; cheating. For me, today is just not informing my husband about the full truth. It’s in my past and something that I don’t like to ponder about. I’m still living through this nightmare behind closed doors. If he was ever to ask the reasoning behind this date- I have Lindsey as ‘my excuse’. We have previously had a discussion - to get our stories straight if Nate was ever to discover the true events about this day. The fifth of January always creeps up, then it’s gone in an instant- until it reappears each year.

****

Slowly walking up the path, there was the sense of tranquility. Silent neighbours. The slight wind enabled the tree branches to sway in sync.

“Hey, Linz”

“About fucking time, Riley! I’ve been worried sick about you! Are you okay? I’ve tried ringing you-“

“I’ve had no missed-“ Riley soon remembered that she hadn’t deactivated the ‘Do Not Disurb’ mode on her phone.

“I’m fine- I just… every year, we always meet here at the same time. Where are you? Why have you put flowers down without me?”

“That’s what I’m trying to explain, I’m stuck in traffic. I’ve rang you a few times mainly about the delay but also to discuss about you leaving the other night without telling us.”

“Linz, if you didn’t put these flowers here- who did?”

“Riley-“

“Linz, I’ll ring you back.” Sensing company, Riley focused on the shadow hovering over her.

“There’s a bunch of New York’s finest flowers from, Olivia. She wasn’t sure if you wanted to see her or not as you haven’t returned any of her calls. So I offered to bring them…. It’s been too long since I’ve been here, myself.”

The callused hand gently removed the crinkly yet rusty coloured leaves that floated effortlessly in-front of them.

“The teddy is a gift from me. I hope that you don’t mind?”

Reaching out to the bear, Riley pulled it close to her chest- holding it tightly, it felt to her as if the world had just crashed. Again. The defence mechanisms that she would usually excel in, were now paper thin. Before she could have reacted, his hands gently drew her closer towards him as he knelt down to her level.

“Please…. Don’t touch me. I’m fine.”

The heat from this touch rapidly creeps into my consciousness - needing to pull away, I couldn’t. It’s like a magnet, drawing us closer- unable to separate this unexpected bond. Pulling his head back, he ran his hand through my hair before gently wiping away the tears that were now everlasting.

“You clearly aren’t fine, which is understandable. If you want me to go, I will.”

As I sink further into his torso attempting to hide my emotions, I inhale his aftershave- which has now sent me into a coma. My heart and brain have different scenarios imaged in my mind. What am I doing?

“You have a right to be here as much anyone- Drake.”

- - -

Jackson

Our sleeping angel

01/05/2014

Sweet little flower

Of heavenly birth

You were too precious

To bloom on earth

Love you always, Mommy and Daddy xxx

#choices trr #theroyalromance #riley brooks #drake walker #trr fanfic #tw mention of sex #tw swearing #tw baby loss #tw alcohol #riley x drake #trr au #olivia nevrakis #Liam Rys #tw sex #riley x liam #tw adult themes #tw adultery

[thenarryparable]

Reasons why I think Tangerine has the tisms.

Part 1 - Sensory Overload Causes.

From what I have researched and from having a brother with it (and possibly having thems). Yayyyyyyyyyyyy.

OKAY SO.

Before you say he doesn't, let me mention that Tangerine most likely has anxiety which can make people more sensitive to anything sensory, easily causing more sensory overloads.

What can cause Sensory Overload?

First, Loud Noise.

Second, Crowded Spaces.

Yes, I know "but doesn't he shoot people?" or "Doesnt he yell alot?". Some loud noises can be tolerable for a bit, at least for me personally and without the music during the scene, it's not very loud. Still, Tangerine could be sensory seeking with auditory things through gun shots, the noise could be satisfying to him. Like I have a toy gun, it's loud but cocking it is very satisfying to me, and the fake shooting noise is satisfying to me as well. I wouldn't know if Tangerine is the same since im not Tangerine (I AM) but still, could be a possibility.

ALSO THEY ARE IN THE DAMN. QUIET CAR.

Personally, I don't think crowded spaces are a problem for Tangerine but there is room to breath throughout the Bullet Train and during the counting kills scene so it could just be for that reason.

Third, Emotionally Intense People or Groups.

YEAH. FOR HIM YEAH.

1. He gets fucking nervous over Alexei and just wants to leave because he does feel a bit guilty and knows Alexei is a bit intense, I mean The White Death and all.

2. The Prince does make him uncomfortable when she sobs to him in the momomon car. Notice that? He finishes the conversation very very fast.

There could be more but that's what I've noticed.

Fourth, Drastic Environmental Changes

We don't know the temperatures of the Bullet Train but, the lighting does change, the environment completely changes in every single fucking car he goes into. Yeah he could just be ignoring how heavy he feels but he does get pissy the more his environment changes. Ya notice that?

Fifth, Unexpected or Unwanted Physical Contact

This doesn't happen in the movie (unless you consider the Tangybug fight scene "unwanted" but he did start the fight!) but. Ya know. I haven't really, read the book. Idk why I mentioned this but still. Could be Ladybug putting his hands on him that he did not fucking like.

Sixth, Tactile Triggers

FUCKING YES. he gets sweaty, his clothes get tighter, his hair comes undone and gets in his face, he gets blood on him. There's so many more I can list, but you get the point. They probably play a HUGE role in it. (I already said that the texture of suits in general can be overwhelming so. YEAH)

Seventh, Intense Smells

Not sure what the train smells like but from what I know about trains, the smell probably changes every damn car for some reason because, haha people. Also the food cart? Of course it's gonna have a intense smell to it.

I HAVE MORE TO SAY. I HAVE SO MUCH MORE. BUT THIS POST IS GETTING LONG AND YEAH IDK. NEXT IS SYMPTOMS.

#bullet train #tangerine #tangerine bullet train #I HOPE YOU LIKE. IDK.

[eldritchlovestory]

I Fell In Love With An Eldritch Deity And Now I'm Kinda Into It

Master List

tw: eldritch horror, paranoia, scopophobia, claustrophobia, blood

Chapter One

All anyone could hear were screams. People's sanity hung from a single thread. Parents turned on children, and corpses littered the streets with blood pouring out, coating the roads a sapphire hue. All the while, a dark, ominous figure loomed over the people. Beady eyes seeming to follow from all angles, the tentacles, resembling that of a squid,  rained down from the fog and grabbed unsuspecting people. 

The fire seemed to rain down, and the inhabitants of the planet cried out that it was the end of days. They were praying to their lord to save them. Their prayers fell on deaf ears as the only lord left for them to worship was slowly consuming their planet and all they held dear.  After what felt like a millennium the planet Zalea ceased to exist…

The dimly lit thrift store left a musky smell as I went. I browsed the items, but nothing  really stood out to me. I seemed to be the only one in the store, which put my racing mind at ease.  Large crowds have always made me uneasy, the amount of people makes me feel like I’m constantly being watched. The chattering of people always tended to overload my senses, causing me to panic. Marty’s Thrift was always empty on Sundays, which led me to spend more time exploring each shelf. At times I would get lost searching for something that I didn't even know I wanted. 

Peering from shelf to shelf, I got sick of staring at cheap glass jars that people seem to give away in mass. Something in the back of my mind begged me to look at the books. Which for me was strange as I had never really had an interest in reading. Nevertheless, I approached the bookshelves as if I were a connoisseur of the literary arts.

 I stared at the bookshelf that lay before me. I ran my finger along the spines of countless books that I had no interest in. I never was a fan of romance and mysteries just bored me to death before I even got through one chapter.  It was the strangest feeling, like I was a magnet being pulled toward one section of the shelf.  My gaze searched among the unorganized books landing on the one book that slightly stood out. 

It was a baby blue children's diary, with a heart lock on the front. The gold trim is embroidered on the cover in a slight floral pattern. The kind you find most children carrying after their school's book sale. I inspected the lock, it looked cheap at first but upon closer inspection, the gold metal of the lock seemed to be high quality.  My head began to spin, something wasn’t right. There was this deep, unsettling urge for me to open this book. One problem…there was no key in sight.

Suddenly, an overwhelming sense of paranoia washed over me. Like something was watching from afar. Fear took control and I quickly placed the diary back on the shelf as if I had been holding hot coals. I left the store in a hurry wanting nothing more than to feel alone again and to clear myself of this strange feeling.

Except it only grew worse. All I could think about once I got home was that damned diary and the feeling it brought. It felt like I was going mad as I laid in bed. My mind was filled with unexplained thoughts of cruelty and despair. I spent sleepless night after sleepless night doing anything I could to cure my mind of the thoughts that invaded my consciousness to no avail. Any thought was scrubbed out by the image of that diary. 

I had to get that diary!

#original story #love story #eldritch #dnd #horror #oc #monster romance #monster #creature #romance #romantic #lovers

[cocklessboy]

Insomnia & Chronic Pain

Following is a description of a typical night for me. I’ve been sleeping less and less lately and it’s getting to a point where I feel like I can hardly go on. My psychiatrist is trying to help by prescribing me various sleep aids, but so far none have worked. Last night I tried Circadin (slow-release melatonin) for the first time. Spoilers, but it did not help.

I’ve been feeling like I’m not communicating well to the psychiatrist just how dire the situation is. I don’t express myself well verbally and he doesn’t really respond to emails (often he simply doesn’t read them and I have to tell him what they said at my next appointment) but I know I can describe it in writing in a way that will get through to him, so I’ve written up this long narrative which I will send to him along with a brief explanation that I know it’s long, but I need him to read it, even if he only does so in short bursts and it takes him a while to get through it, because I cannot express how I’m feeling in a face to face conversation.

I know my experiences are far from unique and probably there are other people out there who will relate. So here you go. I hope this text can give someone else the words to describe something, or make them feel less alone. The following contains mentions of chronic pain, surgery complications, insomnia, depression, parental neglect, loneliness, frustrations with doctors, death, and sensory overload. For context, I’m 37, am autistic with ADHD, transmasculine and gay, I have chronic pain from various sources which will be described in the text, I had top surgery 9 months ago which resulted in complications including chronic nerve pain (I still don’t regret the surgery but trying to get help for these complications has been a nightmare), and I’ve had severe insomnia since I was 5 years old. I’ll put most of it behind a cut because this is gonna be a long one:

It's midnight. It's time for bed. Last night I slept for maybe four hours total, and not all at once. I'm so tired I feel like I can't possibly stay awake for another second. Surely I will fall asleep right at my desk if I don't go lie down right now. I take the Circadin (2 mg), which I'm trying for the first time. The packaging says to take it 1-2 hours before sleep. I shut everything down, turn off all the lights except the dim one by the bed, brush my teeth, grab my book, sit in bed to read until I'm ready to sleep.

It doesn't take long. Less than an hour and I can't focus on the words anymore. Put away the book. Turn off the light. Lie down on my right side (the left side hurts too much). The extra bit of skin from my top surgery which is under my arm is uncomfortable. I can feel the way it's pressing into the mattress. There's no position where this doesn't happen.

My stomach. Nothing can touch my stomach. For maybe two years now, I have a constant chronic feeling of bloating in my stomach. It doesn't matter what I eat or drink, it's always there. I always have gas. I've grown sensitive to more and more foods over time and now it doesn't matter what I eat. I belch and fart every few minutes but it doesn't bring relief. I used to be embarrassed by this but I'm too far gone to care anymore. I can't hug a stuffed animal to sleep anymore because it presses on my stomach. I can't rest my arms in a comfortable position because they touch my stomach. It's not pain, just strong discomfort, that feeling of bloating and pressure when I touch it. When I move away, relief. But no matter where I put my arms, the pressure is still there, especially if I'm lying on my right side. I have to lie on my right side now. Even just the feeling of my t-shirt on the skin causes discomfort. I keep trying to pull my shirt away so it doesn't touch. It keeps falling back.

Trams are passing by outside. Brakes squeaking as they stop, then start moving again. All night long.

My jaw. There's no comfortable position for my jaw. It didn't grow properly on one side when I was a child and it doesn't fit into the joint correctly now. I've had constant pain and inflammation in the joint since I was a teenager and it gets worse the older I get. A dentist said I should get surgery for it - they break your jaw, insert an extender to make it the right size, wire your jaw shut, you eat through a straw for months. Fuck no. After what happened in my last surgery, all the complications I got, I am absolutely not risking that. It hurts now, but it could be worse, I know it could. I keep moving my jaw around trying to find a comfortable position. Right here it pulls on the left side, there it pulls on the right. If I put it just there it doesn't really hurt but as soon as I relax it falls in such a way that it cuts off my breathing and I wake up gasping for air. I try propping it up with part of the pillow. There's some relief, but after a few minutes, my neck starts to feel sore. I move the pillow back. It hurts. It never stops hurting.

My stomach is upset. My chest hurts. My eyes, my head, they burn. They burn and throb from never sleeping.

I roll over onto my left side. Instant stabbing pain in my chest. Like a knife. Like my chest is covered in tiny papercuts that won't heal. The doctor says the surgeon must have hit a nerve during the surgery. She says I need to find a plastic surgeon to try to fix it but I haven’t been able to find a trustworthy trans-friendly plastic surgeon yet. I roll onto my back.

Some relief. The jaw doesn't hurt so much in this position. The chest doesn't hurt too badly. But it's hard to breathe. It takes effort to keep my throat open when I'm lying on my back even when I'm wide awake and as soon as I start to doze off, I wake back up choking and gasping for air again. I roll back onto my right side. It hurts.

Trams are going by outside.

I check the phone. It's 2:00. I shout in frustration. I immediately feel guilty. I can hear the neighbors fighting and shouting at each other all day, they can surely hear me crying out in pain in the middle of the night. I cry for a while. How can I possibly still be awake? I feel like I can't possibly remain conscious for another second. But it's impossible to sleep through this pain.

My skin itches. Head to toe, my whole body. Itches and burns. I feel like someone has rubbed me down with stinging nettles. I scratch at my skin. I shout in frustration again. If I scratch at the skin enough, it starts to hurt instead of itching. I can deal with pain easier than itching. I keep scratching.

My jaw hurts. My stomach is upset. My chest hurts. My neck hurts. Trams are going by outside. It's 3:00.

I start to taste stomach acid. It's been too long since I last ate. When my stomach is empty, I get acid reflux. I can't sleep on an empty stomach. I can’t lie here any longer anyway. I get up. I open a bag of chips in the dark kitchen and eat a handful. I have some water, go to the bathroom. The cat is following me around, confused, concerned. Are we getting up? Is it time to play? I return to my bed but I don't lie down. I stand next to it. I stare at it. The cat rubs on my leg. I'm so tired. I'm so tired I can't possibly still be awake. I sway back and forth. My eyes are swimming, vision blurry. The Circadin will be wearing off soon, if it hasn't already. I'm plenty sleepy, but the pain. The itching. The bloating in my stomach.

I sit on the mattress but I don't lie down yet. Lying down will hurt. I wonder if I can fall asleep just sitting up, leaning forward over my legs. My stomach feels the pressure.

I prop up some pillows so I can lie on my back while still partially sitting up. There is some relief. The pain is less in this position. I still can't breathe very well. After several minutes like this, my knees start to scream in agony. My knees always hurt if I have my legs out straight for too long. It puts just enough pressure on the knees to make them sore. I still don't know what's wrong with my knees. They’ve hurt like this for 8 years. The orthopedist said it’s probably the extensor muscles and I should just keep doing exercises and stretches until it gets better. It’s been weeks since he said that. It’s not getting better. The pain is unbearable.

I roll onto my right side, still sitting up. I know this is bad for my back and neck but I'm far past caring. Just some sleep. Just let me sleep. I'll deal with the fucked up neck and back tomorrow. Just. Just let me sleep.

My chest hurts. My stomach. My knees. My jaw. My neck. My skin is still on fire. I cry for a while. Trams are going by outside.

I hear myself speaking. I don't mean to but I'm delirious with exhaustion. I'm saying Please, and Help, and Please, and Make It Stop, and I'll Do Anything. Please. I'm still crying. I feel like a whiny little baby.

I'm getting dehydrated. I sit up and drink some water. I check the time. It's 4:00. I cry even harder. I start sobbing like a small child. I feel like I instinctively want to call out for my mother, but my mother is a monster incapable of love. I try to remember a time when she hugged me, but I don't think she ever did. I reflect for a moment over my life. No one has ever held me and told me it was going to be okay. There is no one for me to call out for. No really close friends. No partner. No family. I don't even have anyone to fantasize about being there for me, let alone anyone to ask for help. No one to talk to. No one who cares. I think, maybe I'm dying. Maybe this is what dying feels like. You fight and you struggle and you hold on as long as you can, but your body and mind gradually break down. It's like doing push-ups. Every day is like another push-up. Each one is more difficult than the last. And no matter how hard you fight, eventually you will lower yourself down for the next push-up and your arms will simply refuse to lift you back up. You can try and try and try but there is no strength left and eventually you will collapse and smack your face on the mat. Willpower can only take you so far. How many days do I have left before my entire mind and body collapse and refuse to let me get up again?

I have so much work to do tomorrow. So many deadlines. I am a freelancer. There is no sick time. No days off. No holidays. No weekends. If I don't do all my work I won't be able to afford the newly-increased rent, the recently-tripled gas prices, the nearly-doubled cost of food. I have to work or I'll die. I have no one to help me if I can't work anymore.

I decide in my sleep-deprived state to simply invent someone who loves me. 37 is a perfectly good age to be inventing new imaginary friends, right? There, I have a boyfriend now. He's very sweet and kind and he thinks I'm amazing and he loves my cooking and he reassures me that I'm not weak, I'm not pathetic, I'm not broken, I'm just struggling against something most people could never imagine, devoting half my energy to surviving it, the other half to hiding it so that I don't become so miserable that no one wants to be around me. I'm not a burden, I'm a god damned superhero, actually. Thank you, imaginary boyfriend. I needed to hear that.

I'm not going insane, I'm ill. And if I really can't work, they have social security for that, right? How does the disability system work here? I know in the US I wouldn't be able to get any help but maybe it's different here. Maybe I can get a little help.

Maybe I'm already dead. Maybe the christians were right and this is hell. Eternally exhausted, eternally in pain, never able to sleep, never given the slightest relief. Sounds like the literal definition of hell.

I'm lying in bed again, tossing turning, desperate for a position where I can fall unconscious. It's getting worse instead of better. The stress and the exhaustion are making my hypersensitivity even worse. Every sensation is amplified. My tinnitus is getting louder and louder. High-pitched ringing in my ears. It's been ten years since I experienced silence. It hurts. Add it to the list. Everything hurts. Pain relief. What can I take for pain relief? Ibuprofen and paracetamol do nothing. I have all those other NSAIDs doctors have given me which do nothing. I still have some tramadol from after the surgery but it's too much. Slow-release tablets that keep the drug in your system all day. That shit interacts with everything as well. Not safe to take without careful planning. Anyway I have to save that for genuine emergencies. I can't get any more of it. I made the mistake of asking once. Asking my doctor, can I please just get some low-dose tramadol to have on hand for emergencies? I won't take it too often, I'm very careful about addictive drugs, but if I don't have some way to occasionally get some relief from the pain I feel like I'm going to die. She laughed at me, scoffed at the very idea of using painkillers for severe chronic pain. We don't do that, she said. We don't prescribe those except for surgery. They have side effects, you see. They can be dangerous.

Thanks, doc. Sure, much better to protect me from the very dangerous medication specifically designed to give people like me relief from the extreme hell I'm living through right now. Much better to just leave me like this. Definitely letting me be in constant pain and stress and never sleeping is far better for my health than letting me have a low dose of tramadol once every week or two. Thanks for making a note on my file that I asked for opiates as a warning to any other doctors that I might be drug-seeking (unlike all your other patients, who come to you hoping for a pat on the head and a few words of encouragement, not medicine). Thanks so much. Now I can die of a stroke when I'm 40 like god intended. No risk of opiate addiction that way.

Maybe I'm already dead. Do I want to be dead? I hear myself say, I Don't Want To Be Alive Anymore. But I don't want to die, either. I'm terrified of death. Life is so short, so finite, and I have so much left to do. I just want to be allowed to really be alive.

It's 5:00.

Fuck it. I get up. I have another handful of chips to quiet my grumbling stomach, and a big swig of rum. Two swigs, right from the bottle. It will irritate my acid reflux but alcohol is the only thing I have that will actually dull the pain enough that I might be able to sleep. I'm furious. I stand in the kitchen waiting to digest it before I try lying back down to minimize the reflux. I'm sick of this shit. I'm sick of alcohol being my only option. For a moment, my thoughts hazy and my vision swirling, I wonder how difficult it would be to find heroin in Prague. I remember, vaguely, a former addict I used to know telling me he moved here from London specifically because heroin is hard to find here, so he couldn't relapse. He wound up addicted to benzodiazepines instead.

Thanks for keeping me away from that terrifying, dangerous tramadol, doc. Now I get to explore all my other options, like trying to find illegal drugs to kill the pain, or pickling my liver with alcohol.

I have loads of benzodiazepines. Plenty of clonazepam. Those are incredibly easy to get. Any doctor will give you those. One doctor told me to take five of them a day for anxiety and insomnia. Thank god they protect me from the very dangerous opiates. Nothing dangerous about telling someone to take benzos five times a day, no sir. Nothing addictive about that. No side effects there. Nope.

Fortunately I know very well how dangerous they actually are. I ignored the doctor’s instructions, consulted a pharmacist friend, and determined that it’s fine to take them as needed on occasion, but I should avoid taking them often enough that I build up a tolerance. When was the last time I took those? Has it been long enough that I can safely take one again?

The last time was a little over a week ago. I took one to calm myself down enough to do my testosterone injection. I'm not afraid of the pain but something in my brain, some primitive self-defense mechanism, freaks out and stops me every time I'm about to insert the needle into my leg. I usually waste 2 hours sitting here trying and failing to do it, but with the pill it only took half an hour and I was done.

So it's been over a week. Not as long as I like to wait, I'd prefer to wait 2 weeks at least, but long enough that it shouldn't be a problem. But not tonight. This morning, really. It's too late now. If I take it, by the time it kicks in the sun will be coming up. I've already missed my chance for sleep tonight. Tomorrow. I'll take it tomorrow instead of the Circadin. I know that the clonazepam works. Why can't they make something like that which isn't addictive? Why can't there be something like that, which always works, which I can just take every day?

Well there isn't, apparently. That's just the way it is. I'm not allowed comfort or rest. Those things are not for me. The cat is pawing at my leg, asking me to play.

The alcohol has kicked in now. My skin feels less itchy. The pain is still there but it's not as sharp. It's nearly 6:00. I lie in bed, on my right side. I hear someone's alarm clock going off elsewhere in the building. I hear people getting up and moving around. Trams going by outside. Somehow, eventually, I fall asleep. I dream about a hospital where the walls are crumbling all around me, and video games, and the one real friend I ever had who sent me a message half a year ago informing me that his girlfriend was making him choose between their relationship and our friendship, and he was choosing his relationship, and I was to respect his decision and never try to contact him again.

When the cat wakes me up at 9:00 demanding breakfast (by clawing at everything around me until the sound is too unbearable to ignore) I cry some more as I get up to feed him. The neighbors are fighting on the other side of the wall. The floor is vibrating from their footsteps. Everything hurts. Trams are going by outside. The cat, finished with his breakfast, crawls into bed with me and curls up, purring, warm, soft. I manage to drift back into my dreams for one more hour before the alarm goes off.

What’s the opposite of suicide? I Don’t Want To Be Dead Anymore.

#insomnia #chronic pain #actually autistic #actually adhd #disability #transgender #transmasc #queer #long post

[flips-the-crypt]

Nightmare Wishes for Change (pt. 1 of ?)

The moon was full, illuminating the fields and the sleeping village in the distance in a gentle silver glow. Nightmare watches the clear sky from one of his mother's higher branches, writing slowly in his leather bound journal.

The peaceful serenity of this night was mocking him. His brother had left him today, again, and some villagers took this as an opportunity to throw stones at him earlier today. They've been tormenting him a lot more lately, almost always with physical violence. And gods be damned he was in so much pain. He's surprised that he can even climb the tree this high. Maybe he should stay here.

He looks down at his entry, reading over what he idly scribbled into the journal. He's used to spilling his broken heart onto these pages, even subconsciously, but reading this one felt like an arrow to the chest.

'I wish that something would change. I wish I could change.'

Tears stung in his eye sockets, and he quickly closed the book and stowed it away on a branch. He wished for change more than ever now. He wished that Dream would stay. He wished the villagers wouldn't hurt him. He wished he was bigger, that he would fight back instead of cower at his assailant's feet.

Movement in the sky catches Nightmare's attention, and his head snaps up to observe it. A shooting star was flying across the inky black sky, fading before it could fall to the Earth. Then a second follows, and before long he watches four more streaks of light race together, fading away seconds later. Nightmare counts them all; six wishes acknowledged by the heavens. He wonders if any of them were his?

An apple falls onto his already bruised skull. He curses as a new shockwave of pain shoots into his body. He looks up, then he looks down where a single golden apple rolls on the ground.

Great. First the village and now his own mother assaulting him? Who will turn on him next, Dream?

He slowly climbs down the tree, eyes glued to the fruit below. He can't let anyone grab it before he does, as one temptation to steal from the tree could turn into an addiction of its abundance of overwhelming positivity. He reaches the ground and picks it up, and he finds himself admiring the skin's gilded sheen. He tears his eyes away from the apple and looks up at the branches of his mother.

Maybe she wasn't hitting him to cause him pain. Maybe she heard her son's silent pleas, and maybe she intended to answer. He knows that one bite could overload him with good feelings, and he would probably be killed by it...

Maybe that's the answer he's been looking for.

...

Hey guys! So this might be a two-three part series of drabbles I'm posting on here, which I will probably post on AO3 when it's finished as a oneshot! This was inspired by Death by Melanie Martinez and "To Invert Yourself" by Ratmilktastey on AO3! Read it here! https://archiveofourown.org/works/45492886

#undertaleaus #dreamtale #nightmare sans #undertale fanfiction

[boopsterliv]

Canaryfire 🛏 if you feel like it!

(It got long for a blurb but I was having way too much fun with this)

Laurel had gone through a lot and came out on the other side. She had survived her sister's death twice and had even come back from hell herself. She had made peace with the frequent nightmares and the reality that she had been pubically replaced by an alternate version of her. She managed to handle the truth she had a husband in this new world but could only remember the first one. She even went to Sara's less than stellar wedding and managed to help her sister handle the break-up and acknowledge her feelings concerning an old lover. It wasn't overnight, it took a lot of time, but she managed to rebuild a life after five years of being gone. She thought she was doing pretty okay.

So when Sara had been overloaded with work as a Legend, Laurel was more than willing to help her with a small mission. All she needed to do was keep someone from being in the wrong place at the wrong time, preventing a butterfly effect from occurring and causing the future to become a nuclear wasteland. The only thing that bothered her was that she was pretending to be married to someone she barely knew. Mick Rory, criminal arsonist and, surprisingly enough, erotica writer. He was gruff, drank a lot, and always seemed conscious of other people's space. He seemed nice enough, even if he never really talked to her before. He was always so nervous around her. Like he didn't want to make her feel crowded.

Sara had insisted she could take the mission instead, or even call Ray (the only other free Legend) in to be the fake spouse, but Laurel wasn't on board with either option. For one, Sara was, as stated, overworked and barely staying awake as it is, and for two, Ray was on partial paternity leave and there was no way Laurel was taking him away from his wife, even if it was for a quick and easy mission. Besides, she's pretended to be married to her teammates before (the time she and John Constantine had crashed a swinger's party was a recent highlight), and Laurel knew Mick wasn't a big fan of intimacy, so all things considered they'd probably be fine. Until they got to the hotel.

"I regret to inform you of this, Mr. and Mrs. Drake, but it appears we have no rooms specific to your preferences. We can still book you in a room, just not one with two beds." The receptionist looked hesitantly up at her to gauge her reaction. Laurel took a deep breath. They were showing up early to get everything set up. Spending a few days with this man she barely knows and her sister trusts can't be as awkward as she thinks it'll be. She could sleep on the couch or maybe even the potential office chair. She took a glance at her companion/fake husband. Mick just grunted. Well, if he had no problem with this...

Laurel smiled politely, mimicking the way she used to a lifetime ago when she was a lawyer. "You're fine. We'll take whatever room we can get. Thank you."

#i had a blast wiith this! #it got long but it got fun #you even get a few sprinklings of bonus ships! #canaryfire #laurel lance #mick rory #legends of tomorrow fanfiction #arrowverse fanfiction #legends of tomorrow #arrowverse #fanfiction #blurb

[herlenebwriter]

[REVIEW] SHATTER ME (BOOK #1)

AUTHOR: Tahereh Mafi

GENRE: YA, Dystopian, Romance, Thriller

𝗥𝗔𝗧𝗜𝗡𝗚: ★✰☆☆☆ - 1.75 𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗿𝘀

───※ ·𓁹· ※───

𝗢𝗩𝗘𝗥𝗩𝗜𝗘𝗪

I tend to not have great expectations for very hyped, very popular books, so it shouldn't come as a surprise that I had little to none for this one.

But what I surely didn't expect was having to sit through several chapters of:

•fifty shades of purple prose,

•barely followable internal monologue,

•ridiculous metaphors,

•numbers written in digits,

•interesting non-use of punctuation,

•exhausting recurring repetitions

•and an overwhelming amount of crossed out sentences.

The first 20-something chapters at least were quite literally packed with the aforementioned things. Going through it was almost draining – and I don't mind purple prose. I was rather under the impression that the author was trying so hard to write in a unique way and... well, they tried too hard.

⚠️Now, before anyone comes at me, I know this was the author's stylistic choice aimed to portray a mentally unstable, scared, mistreated, neglected and isolated main character in a 1st person POV. Trust me, I know, and I respect it. Actually, I think it was a great idea! But not quite as greatly executed. Probably just wasn't my cup of tea.

The plot is overall enjoyable, but it's kinda all over the place. The point is lost among the pretentious writing style and romantic sequences. More than 50% of this book bored me to death or caused a crippling "wtf" moment in my brain. The last dozen of chapters was good though. Saved the book from a cold one-star rating.

Characters are as deep as cardboard. No offense to cardboard.

I felt like none of them except the FMC made any progress at all. Not even the love interest that accompanies her throughout the entire book. The antagonist gives me the chills, and not in a positive, intriguing way. He's just insufferable, delusional and a creep.

Other characters are either narrative devices or foil. No mind of their own, let alone characterization. I felt absolutely nothing.

The dystopian worldbuilding is scattered and crushed under the overdose of romance and making out, not to mention it's shamelessly ripped off by dystopians classics.

I didn't dislike this book entirely.

But it's sad that whenever I think about it, all that comes to mind is what it could have been.

Not gonna lie, DNF-ing this book looked tempting for a while. But I still pushed through. I think I deserve a little medal for practicing my commitment.

I'm confident enough I'm going to pick up the next in the series. Maybe to answer some of my questions (hopefully!) or in the hope it'll be better than this one.

If you're still here, hi!! My name is Herlene, I'm a writer working on a fantasy series called "Chronia Chronicles" with my friend @callme-ayu, but I like reading a lot! Consider accompanying me in my first reviewing journey(!!) on this platform that scares me shitless I'm so excited about!!!

Warning: Themes of SA mentioned in the STORY section.

𝗦𝗧𝗢𝗥𝗬 - ★★★☆☆ 3/5 𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗿𝘀

The story at its core revolves around our female protagonist, Juliette Ferrars, a girl whose touch can kill, in her journey from self loathing to self acceptance. Just that, and it would've been amazing. In fact, if you ask me, that should've been the main focus of the book. Mind you, should've.

Tl;dr: Almost the entirety of the story bored me or I just disliked. The last chapters were good. I feel like the author missed the point of the book with all the romance overload.

↓↓↓

According to the synopsis, the book I was about to read on the blissful day I picked it up should have been a YA dystopian novel about a teenage girl finding her true strenght in a world on the brink of collapse. I said, "Perfect! Introducing teens to the dystopian genre with a self growth plot is absolutely hip!"

Boy I was wrong.

The booktok/bookstagram discussions that made this book popular tended to focus on the romance, but I brushed it off as book girlies obsessiong over attractive characters and making a big deal out of a romance subplot.

They were right.

This is not a dystopia with a touch of romance, this is a romance with a touch of dystopia.

Here lies my only short-lived expectation.

But let's move on. A good 92% of the plot cringed me in ways I didn't believe possible, but also somehow managed to keep me hooked and slightly curious of what might happen. It wasn't good, but neither all bad.

Juliette Ferrars is on the brink of going completely bananas because of touch starvation and lack of human interaction, when they assign her a new, suspiciously-male-presenting, attractive cellmate: Adam Kent.

The insta love + childhood friends to lovers combo between Juliette and Adam is just not it. Insta love with a lot of denial due to unfit circumstances? Could do, but this kind of desperate love at first sight is plain annoying. We spend a ridicolous chunk of chapters witnessing Juliette being weirdly obsessed with his eyes.

“His eyes are 2 buckets of rainwater: deep, fresh, clear.”

And... a bird?

“There will be a bird today. It will be white with streaks of gold like a crown atop its head. It will fly.”

You have no idea how many times she goes on about this bird. In my wildest hopes it would've signified something like freedom, something like the mockingjay in the Hunger Games which symbolized defiance against oppression.

Well, this recurring imagery is never thoroughly addressed or explained any further for the entire duration of the book, aside from revealing Adam has it tattoed on his macho-man muscles, so I'll probably never know.

The two instant-noodle lovers leave the asylum "thanks" to Warner, the antagonist, head of sector 45, attractive, barely an adult, and a mythic, insufferable bitch.

He's obsessed with Juliette and her murderous ability, so he wants to possess her. He brings her to his headquarters (basically a prison with commodities) and puts her through cruel tribulations for another big chunk of the story. For kind of no reason other than... being eViL??

He has clear mother and anger issues, enjoys inflicting pain to others and assert his dominance, with a pinch of delusional and psychotic tendencies. But he's completely smitten with her, so it's okay...? Apparently??

Yes, he's the only real other possibility of romance for Juliette other than Cardboard Guy and I feel like throwing up whenever she admits finding him hot. And obsessing over his eyes, too.

The only chance of conflict between J and A (where she feels betrayed because he's a Big Bad Re-establishment soldier and whines internally) is resolved in a matter of paragraphs and she obsesses over his eyes and muscles all over again.

Oh yeah, turns out he can touch her! And of course we'll never know why!!

What's important is that they can smooch under the shower (after she was put through reliving her traumatic experience by Warner) and plan their escape at whatever chance possible. When Warner isn't being a psycho bitch who shoots people at a whim and tortures/ogles a poor mentally unstable 17-year-old girl, to be clear.

Fast forward to their escape, they beat Warner way too easily, he whines to Juliette not to leave, like a pathetic delusional idiot, and grabs her ankle. He doesn't die.

Good grief. We're never gonna get rid of him.

Adam and Juliette smooch while running from loaded guns and lose their tracks by entering a nuclear field, which conveniently reacts by neutralizing the tracking serum in Adam's body, find a conveniently placed shed with a conveniently stolen tank inside. They smooch some more, Juliette broods about the way Warner desperately called her name and wonders why he's able to touch her, and then they depart.

Whenever they make out, which is awfully frequent, Adam and Juliette have the power to warp the flow of time and slow the pacing of the story down to absolute boredom. UGHHH.

They take shelter in an apartment where Adam's brother James lives.

It's overall a much appreciated, short lived semblance of a normal cozy little life, but it abruptly comes to an end when Kenji, one of Adam's comrades, appears at their door wounded. They let him in and he starts being utterly irritating for at least two chapters, in a forcibly comic-relief kind of way.

It basically cycles this way: Kenji flirts with Juliette, Juliette dismisses him, Adam wants to kill him. All over again. In the most annoying way.

Fortunately Warner's soldiers find them and put an end to this unbearable charade. They run for their lives.

But THIS is where it finally gets better!! This is what saved the book from a one-star rating!! The part that finally managed to keep me on the edge of my seat!!

It happens around chapter 38-40 out of 50. This means over 50% of this book I found lame as hell, but kept reading. Don't I deserve a medal or something for committing til the end?!? /hj

During this part we finally witness Juliette showing her claws and shooting Warner, who by the way literally ASSAULTS HER (this is something I can never forgive like I noticed many others do). This scene was gut wrenching and really made me feel on edge. I was a little put off by Juliette having a positive reaction to his kisses, but I decided to interpret it as having involuntary physical reactions to SA, though aware it's still assault, as may happen to assault victims. To save what's left of my sanity.

Anyway, she girlbosses all the remaining time, punching through steel (literally! it was so cool but I wish it was explained better), saving Adam Cardboard Kent, stealing and driving a car (with no experience and being so bad she aggravates Adam's injuries, which was fun and adorable in a way).

The Omega Point plot twist was very nice, too. Juliette finally has some character development, starting to see her lethal touch as a power she can use for good and not a curse that completely ruins her life.

I wish her development was more gradual instead of blooming late and all at once. Still, it happened (better late than never!) and was satisfying to read.

Now she's ready to fight with the resistance of Omega Point! Loved this finale!

Things are changing, but this time I’m not afraid. This time I know who I am. This time I’ve made the right choice and I’m fighting for the right team. I feel safe. Confident.

Excited, even.

Because this time?

I’m ready.

Conclusions: I was hit with the realization that this last dozen of chapters represented what I would have liked to see in a YA dystopian novel. A girl always treated as a menace realizing her true potential by finding a place where she's accepted and she can put her powers to good use. The romance with Adam fell flat and flavourless, and the most part of the book revolved around it, with some ripped off worldbuilding scattered around it (I'll get to that). Not to add that it's honestly kind of disheartening that the only other option until now is the twisted guy who re-enacted her traumatic experience.

If this book had been more centered on Juliette's evolution and less on her romances, would its point have stood out better?

𝗖𝗛𝗔𝗥𝗔𝗖𝗧𝗘𝗥𝗦 - ★☆☆☆☆ 1/5 𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗿𝘀

What can I say? There were a only a few prominent characters and none of them developed over the course of the story.

Unless you're James Joyce and you've decided to write Dubliners, the one principle of modern prose is that a character should reach the end of the story DIFFERENT from they way they were at the start. All of the trials that they face in-between are the reason why they change into something new.

Only one out of these characters reaches the end slightly changed. And that character is

•Juliette Ferrars

Starts out as a scrawny, socially awkward and mentally unstable 17-year-old. Neglected, mistreated and ultimately abandoned throughout all her life because of her lethal ability, it is understandable why she hasn't been able to develop the security we like to see in a female protagonist; on the contrary, she has only ever learned to despise herself as the monster everyone perceived her as. Especially after the traumatic experience of unwillingly killing a child.

She's extremely touch starved and internally conflicted because of the contrasting nature of her power and her needs. Maybe that's the reason why she clings to Adam in an unhealthy way. He's both the only person who can touch her and the only person who ever saw something good in her. For the most part of the story, she's dependent on him and his every little reaction. She needs to be wherever he is, otherwise she feels like dying or panics.

For example, when they reach Omega Point and the healers bring Adam in on a stretcher, she suffers a panic attack because she HAS to know where they're taking him and HAS to be with him at all times.

Only towards the end she shows some guts and self confidence, which was disappointingly fueled by needing to save Adam rather than herself, and only at the very end she finally accepts herself with her power.

“Don’t be so hard on yourself,” I try to tell him. “It’s nothing to be ashamed of.” But he’s not listening and I’m wondering when I became a motivational speaker. When I made the switch from hating myself to accepting myself. When it became okay for me to choose my own life.”

But the crucial thing she doesn't grow out of, is her codependency from Adam. If we consider this, she never actually had any real change, and her evolution is only on a superficial level. She changes her mindset about her ability and finds a new born purpose into fighting the Re-establishment, but still depends on Adam to feel like she deserves to live.

Speaking of Juliette, what is her power all about?? From what I could gather: if she touches a person skin to skin, she quickly drains the life force out of them; but if she wears clothes over her body or someone touches her without skin contact, nothing happens. Which begs the question: what was the fuss all about?? She was dangerous, sure, but even her own parents were afraid of her and refused to touch her, while it was THAT easy.

It is hinted that she can use the life she absorbed to augment her strenght (when she smashes through concrete and plexiglass and steel), but since she can't control it, it only happens when she's feeling strongly about something. But when she smashes through steel to save Adam, she hadn't touched anybody in days other than him, who's immune.

She's the only one able to break the bond with her victim, but somehow Kenji manages to break free when she touches him during a panic attack.

Her powes are never explained clearly or even consistently represented, but I hope in the second book my questions will be answered!

•Adam Kent (aka Cardboard Cutout)

Plain at the beginning, plain at the end. Hasn't got the faintest hint of development throughout the whole book. A cardboard cutout would have deeper personality.

There's literally nothing special about him apart from adoring Juliette, praising Juliette, loving Juliette, fussing over Juliette, having blue eyes, tightening his jaw and combing a hand through his hair. Oh yeah, and being tatted and muscular.

He never really had a personality or purpose other than being Juliette's faithful standard partner and I feel like this is the main reason why people, including me, disliked him or never felt connected or anything to him.

But hey! At least he's not a crazy bastard like

•Warner

The most unbearable disgusting motherfucking villain I've ever had the chance to read. Everything about him was either irritating or discomforting.

He's a disgusting mush of red flags slapped on a young attractive face and a mellifluous way of speaking. Wattpad material man.

And the worst thing, the worst thing is that the author herself bends over backwards to support him. He's her damn favorite character and she wants him to end up with Juliette, and IT SHOWS.

Let me just list some of the red flags I remember:

🚩Is obsessed with Juliette

🚩Treats her like his possession

🚩Doesn't care about her opinion

🚩Is delusional

🚩 Everything has to go his way or else, it's giving rich kid mentality

🚩Clads her in skimpy dresses like a damn Barbie

🚩Ogles her every time he has a chance

🚩Made her touch one of his own soldiers and nearly kill him to satisfy his morbid curiosity

🚩Always tried to encourage the worst and most twisted side of her, finding pleasure in convincing her to embrace monstrosity and violence, and all of that to feel less lonely?

🚩Wants her to touch him because he wants to know what it feels like TO DIE?!? This is more like concerning btw. The only thing that makes me mad is that, he didn't know he was immune when asking for that, so he would willingly burden her conscience with another death. That's just twisted. I don't see the love or care in that.

🚩Made her relive the trauma of killing a child by locking her up in a spiky torture chamber and having her try to save a toddler with her bare hands, resulting in nearly killing it three times and traumatizing her all over again!!

🚩Killed a man in cold blood in front of her to show dominance and power

🚩Was on his way to torture the only person she cared about

🚩SA'd her!!! What are we even arguing about?!?

Positive traits:

✅Is handsome

✅Is young

✅Is certainly more interesting than Cardboard Cutout and Random Comic Relief

✅Didn't assault Juliette in her sleep

✅Fed her real food

✅Did something even measly attractive so he's excused of all his shit

I'm not into dark romances and it shows. My standards are too high. Or are everyone's too low?

Anyway, there is nothing in the world that can make me forgive him. I don't know what's worse, him or Adam. I already know the author wants to have him end up with Juliette, it's pretty clear. She even made him conveniently immune to her touch!! And the booktok discussion is all about those two, so...

•James Kent

(literally so unimportant I can't even find arts of him)

Adorable baby who's just here to show there's still hope for this rotten world and give Adam a figment of purpose and personality other than Juliette.

It's not like he has any personality of his own other than being cheeky or adorable and having nightmares. He's cute though and managed to give me some rest among the pitiful worldbuilding situation and Adam and Juliette constantly making out.

•Kenji Kishimoto (aka Random Comic Relief)

Comic relief character. Was painfully irritating upon his introduction, but I started liking him more towards the end.

His dialogues are standard chill guy character, but I wouldn't mind if he avoided saying "bro" 843837 times in a sentence. Or talking about the MC as if she isn't there.

The other characters were foil. Nothing particularly remarkable.

𝗪𝗢𝗥𝗟𝗗𝗕𝗨𝗜𝗟𝗗𝗜𝗡𝗚 - ★★☆☆☆ 2/5 𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗿𝘀

Pollution, corruption and hyper exploitation of our resources finally took a toll on our world when the cattle gets sick and dies, birds go extinct, crops wither, the clouds change colour and the seasons are all over the place! Starving is all the rage these days on Earth! But do not fret, the Re-establishment is going to take control and make everything all right again!

Except they only took control by leveraging on the fear of people. Basically conquered the entire world and divided it in sectors. Kept the resources to themselves to live an opulent life, while said people either starve or carry out logorating work. Food is chemically made in labs and has zero taste or nutritional values. Anyone not acting like a robot is locked up or killed by the Big Bad Government™.

Standard grey-coloured dystopian worldbuilding based on elevating existing issues of our time to the point of no return, and by that raising some awareness. Good job, author!

Too bad it's barely visible under the romance.

And it's a rip-off of "1984" by George Orwell and "Fahreneit 451" by Ray Bradbury. Making a new, government-friendly, limited English language which has to be spoken all over the world (God forbid linguistic diversity) and burning down books? Yeah. Heard of it.

“They’re destroying everything,” Adam says, and his voice is suddenly a solemn sound in the silence. “All the books, every artifact, every remnant of human history. They’re saying it’s the only way to fix things. They say we need to start fresh. They say we can’t make the same mistakes of previous generations.”

This trivia is recounted by Adam in the cell to horrify Juliette a little. Never brought up again and obviously never shown in the world around them.

Because they never really set foot in the outside world and interact with anyone of the common folk, who might be the only ones influenced by these changes. They're either isolated, or on the privileged military grounds, or in the rebellion headquarters. It never really affects them.

Lore is thrown here and there by Juliette completely changing her internal monologue language register, like the Lorax possessed her or something. Or by indirectly reported speech of other characters. No show, too much tell.

I wish it had a greater role in the story, rather than providing mere background.

𝗪𝗥𝗜𝗧𝗜𝗡𝗚 - ★✩✩✩✩ 1/5 𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗿𝘀

Last but not least, the borderline purple prose! The only part of this book I outright disliked and the reason for my almost-DNF.

Tl;dr: purple prose so bad it might as well be baroque poetry

It's packed with metaphors so forced they just look ridiculous. Sometimes they don't even make sense. Baroque poets would like to welcome author into their circle, but thank goodness they're dead!

Allow me to provide some examples:

Forever. “I don’t know.” A mechanical sound creaks/groans/cranks in the distance. My life is 4 walls of missed opportunities poured into concrete molds.

(...huh?)

I only know now that the scientists are wrong.

The world is flat.

(...flat earthers representation?)

(cont'd) I know because I was tossed right off the edge and I’ve been trying to hold on for 17 years. I’ve been trying to climb back up for 17 years but it’s nearly impossible to beat gravity when no one is willing to give you a hand.

(wait until she hears of the pac-man theory)

His lips soften into a smile that cracks apart my spine.

(girl are you okay???)

I blink 1,000 times in the blackness. “You have to take them off.”

(this is not a metaphor but it doesn't make any sense either way)

These words are vomit.

This shaky pen is my esophagus.

This sheet of paper is my porcelain bowl.

WHAT???? THIS IS JUST DISGUSTING I JUST PICTURED IT UGHHH NO. like i get what you're trying to say but THIS IS JUST NOT IT

I always wonder about raindrops.

I wonder about how they’re always falling down, tripping over their own feet, breaking their legs and forgetting their parachutes as they tumble right out of the sky toward an uncertain end. It’s like someone is emptying their pockets over the earth and doesn’t seem to care where the contents fall, doesn’t seem to care that the raindrops burst when they hit the ground, that they shatter when they fall to the floor, that people curse the days the drops dare to tap on their doors.

I am a raindrop.

And here, YES again I get what she's trying to say, but the comparison is ridicolous. Raindrops "tripping over their own feet"? "breaking their legs"?? Two entire paragraphs to say she feels abandoned?

I don't know... it just feels unnecessarily full of these metaphors for literally nothing at times. She uses a different set of metaphors to describe Adam's eyes and later Warner's, or every little thing she sees. Maybe I'd even find it beautiful, if it weren't so frequent and uhh... weird.

The numbers written as numbers are a book pet peeve mine. Dates, big numbers, that's fine. But if you know how to spell the word "four" why would you write "4"? Did anyone even edit this???

In one of these, she uses SLASHES?!?!? THIS IS NOT EVEN STYLISTIC

Punctuation is almost completely absent in the flow of thought sequences, making them even harder to follow than they already are. Also, they mostly happen whenever Juliette receives male attention or panics. Both of which happen frequently throughout the book.

Luckily, these things somehow gradually decreased after the first twenty-ish chapters, when Juliette leaves the asylum. So it was more bearable to read until the end.

----

Congratulatuons! You've reached the end of my first lenghty dissection of Shatter Me! This is the first of a series of popular booktok books I want to read for the sake of knowledge. If you liked long, honest reviews with a vein of sarcasm, consider following me on social media!

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I wish you lots of nice reads! ♥︎

[siyabongazulukamaisela]

It's been a while since I was last captivated by a book as much as this one has me. Almost missed my stop on the bus the other day. The book is so relatable, even though it's nothing familiar to me. But it somehow feels relatable. And it has me bad.

I've not been able to put it down since I got it and dove into it. Herman (friend&co-worker), took me to this pawn shop in town. I'd actually been there before but didn't realise, when he initially told. We found some really cool things amongst type writers, which I'd been thinking of getting for my writing and also frames for pictures and books.

Went to check out the books, there's was a lot of Afrikaans. But I ended up finding English ones and upon further investigation. Law and behold, The reincarnation of Peter Proud" by one Max Ehrlich.

I also found a book I had up until recently when I lost a number of books during my relocation from Joburg back to KZN. But that's behind us now. But. I asked myself this question. Knowing I've had it before. Why am I buying it again. The reason I came up with was this, "when I read it back in England, early 2007, Alice had given it to me (considering she is an ethiest) to read.) But the concept for me at that age, maybe 17. We're just too much and flew over my head. I know at this time I was into Dan Brown. I'd already read all his top selling books: (Davinci Code. Angles and Demons) and the rest. The book I'm talking about here is, Richard Dawkins: The God Delusion).

During my chat with Raphala about the God Delusion. After he saw me posting it on WhatsApp status, said, he'd like for us to chat about it once I was done. I then narrated the above story of my first attempt at reading it. He then expressed the same. He expressed the same sentiment about concepts within the book going over his head. But. We concluded on one crucial point: the fact that we are living in times when we can openly share such thoughts and question them without being stoned to death or becoming an outcast. I remember is school (high school). I used to question everything and as a matter of fact, I still very much do. My English teacher, ended up placing a sign in the classroom which said "If you dont belong in God. You better hope you are right", I found this strange. In a multiracial school, one of the vest in the province, qiestionning, being different radical if you may, was not encouraged. Instead it was frowned up. So, by default I became the black sheep. I revelled in it. Cause deep down I loved the fact that i knew where I stand with each person I had to deal with on a regular.

Max's, the reincarnation of Peter Proud, comes n my life where I am fed up with reading self help book, which have featured heavily in my life over the past 7 years or so. And I just needed a break. The main character has a somewhat of an identity crises. He remembers his last previous life, when he lived before his current life. Through vivid dreams, nightmares you can say. A sensory overload during his dream. Speaking out in a different voice entirely. Doctors can't help him. No one can.

He has to remember who he is again. All by himself. Piece together the dreams and make them make sense. Until he maps out how to get to that previous life and accomplish what he didn't do.

I feel this mirrors my life currently. I used to be a beast. Actually, I am a best. But I've forgotten who I was before the world told me who I should be. I think it was Charles Bukowksi who said these words. And to me too it applies. I need to fetch my life. Regain the glory. Get up,dust myself up. Get back all that was taken from me. And some.

If you've read this far. Thank you. Please kindly leave a comment or suggestion. Or a message via WhatsApp (South Africa: 068 406 8212). Thank you.

[softgrungeprophet]

something something essay about the ways in which peter uses the pretense of training and/or working through his anger as a veil for what is essentially self-harm and self-punishment via (as one example, from i believe the book of peter) beating dumpsters and concrete until his knuckles bleed

ok this was supposed to be a joke but i can't stop myself from rambling at the drop of a hat so i'm gonna talk about it (mostly my au)

(cw for mentions of fictional self-harm and sexual abuse/assault fyi)

that combination of anger and self-loathing does a number on him huh

i have just been thinking about it as i think about the ways in which i am intertwining his own traumas into this story, though often not thoroughly enough tbh... i feel like i haven't been taking uncle ben's death into account enough, especially in hindsight as peter is only 19 rn where i'm at in the timeline, so it's only been three years since his uncle died at most.

but also mostly been thinking about it in the context of the fact that i'm bringing prof warren into the story soon, coming on the heels of flash's breakdown which peter feels guilty about—and so piling that together with his many issues, including his sensory overload issues as well as childhood trauma pre-dating spidey, and how self harm plays into that via not just beating up on things that are actually capable of breaking skin but also thru direct self injury via nervous tics involved in his overload-panic attacks (or adjacent at least)

also as that ties to his spidey sense—idk who is reading all this shit tho i know ofc kita has read some of it and at least one other person did make a comment about starting from the beginning after i posted *checks notes* 50,000 words to this au, but anyway, if anyone has read both the fic where flash is in the hospital and the recent fic chapter where rosie's at the ER, you will notice that i consistently have peter tapping the back of his neck when he is in an overloaded state and that's because i also put the spidey sense sensations generally along the back of the neck and up the skull (though prob also elsewhere on the body in theory) so it's a form of grounding or self-soothing to tap the spot it feels most strongly even when it's not going off actively, as it ties directly into his neuroses so tbh i wouldn't be surprised if it actually is going off when he gets into these states...

but that focus on the neck will later manifest (not written yet) in a more extreme way when peter has a public breakdown (for the first time since he was a toddler arguably) and scratches the back of his neck until it bleeds because he's in a messed up emotional overload state and can't control it (ah and of course this ties into self-control and other control which is always the theme, isn't it... everything is about control w/ him, from pulling his punches to sexuality)

imo and as i write him, he doesn't normally do this and normally focuses his issues outwardly by beating up on objects (or people) (which he does in that scene too, directly preceding this moment) which still makes him bleed if he's in bad enough of a state to beat on concrete for hours, but that in extenuating circumstances like this one it can become more direct as a form of i guess... stimming but bad for you. is there a word for that? i forget. i guess it's related to dermatillomania and i might mentioned him skin-picking later on if i remember to include that (but no scars cause he heals so fast) esp since i've already mentioned (once, briefly) that he bites his nails.

i'll also be extending this thought to characters like kaine and ben since they're his clones but also because kaine specifically my notes are emphasizing the fact that where peter and ben are more capable of self-regulation, kaine isn't, and he can't handle things that they can handle because he is more sensitive to overloads due to already working at a constant low level of sensory stimulation his brothers aren't because of both chronic pain and broken spider-sense, and thus is more susceptible to the kinds of breakdowns that peter has been having only in situations that trigger his hospital-related traumas (uncle ben dying key among that) (or later, which trigger his trauma wrt sexual assault/molestation as a preteen) (because i am tying that into his backstory as something thematically relevant to warren's predation of gwen in college, and use of sexual abuse as a leverage for power and ownership over his female students first and then over kaine the "failed object" and as part of his revenge on peter for denying him his prize (gwen))

i do think kaine will probably also have that direct aspect in both the things that peter also does (scratching, biting, skin-picking) but also using his own hand on himself (by which i mean the acid (?) handprint stuff)

which, related to warren, ties back into peter's freakout after saving gwen from being raped by prof. warren (which as i said i haven't written yet, but i have notes for including some dialogue)

i'm not 100% this scene will include peter scratching his neck or how the breakdown will go entirely, when i write it, cause it may end up changing slightly depending on what feels natural to me to write and what flows most naturally out of him *checks notes* beating warren unconscious.

but i suppose what i am always doing when i write these kinds of scenes with peter is acknowledging a kind of discomfort on all levels which i don't feel i particularly see often—usually it's either he's 100% together OR it's some ooc stuff where he's reduced to an almost infantile state of crying which is like... i get it, i cry easily too, but there's such a strange sense of objectification and almost fetishization or sexualization to some of these things i've seen written and that I don't particularly enjoy, which i've rambled about before so i won't go into that here.

but i feel like… idk i want to explore the aspects that aren't necessarily cute, or idk… pretty? part of why i like andrew g as peter is that tasm peter in particular is awkward and weird in a way that isn't Cute and Fun, or Baby? the awkward convos he has with gwen are so deeply relatably awkward and uncomfortable, and he is twitchy and neurotic and weird and distractable and quite passionate (and handsome😌) and i appreciate that and i think it fits very well w/ 616 peter, considering 616 peter is himself pretty fucking weird even when he's suave and sexy (which is most of the time XD)

so like i said it's just something i always think about and something i'm particularly thinking about now as i write this story about a still pretty young (19 yo) peter navigating his own past traumas wrt death and sexual assault as well as current traumas like flash's injury a year earlier and so on and so forth and how i want to approach both gwen having to comfort peter but also peter being able to switch back around to comfort HER because she is obvs frightened in this moment! both because of peter's violence and because of prof warren's attempt to claim her body against her will (which peter stops)

i want to balance that they are both traumatized and both need to take care of the other to feel functional in that moment because it allows them to detach slightly, but also that both need a chance to break down and cry because of what happened (now and in the past), regardless of being in public…

and then peter gets arrested for aggravated assault lol

(and boy peter's violence as well as deliberate non-violence are also always a constant present theme in this au as well as other things i write... it's about....... making a difficult and conscious choice.... and working hard not to hurt the people you love (flash)) (i am constantly thinking about flash's father as i write peter fyi, if anyone noticed the multiple times i have compared him to harrison directly in the context of his temper, violence, and purposeful gentleness with flash)

wow there's no point to this post i just needed to word vomit really bad

this peter has also def come close to committing a murder (when ock crushed flash's legs) and i think he always will be capable of that, physically obviously, and mentally, but idk if or when he will. truly not sure. this might tie into his early death at age 49 and being gunned down by the national guard but not sure what/how much of that i'll use or if there might be other moments that may end in him slipping, or inadvertently being the cause of someone's death (well, technically this will happen w/ norman, drawing heavily from what happened in the original silver age comics, but in this case it's norman getting knocked out of a 60 story window in addition to./instead of? getting impaled by his own glider)

(ben kills miles warren though, at least in the notes i have now)

#nadia rambles #arghwrites #well relevant at least