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writerbuddha · 1 year

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Understanding the Dark Side of the Force

What is the dark side of the Force?

In Episode IV, Obi-Wan Kenobi’s definition of the Force: “an energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us and penetrates us. It binds the galaxy together.” He quickly reveals that this Force has a “dark side” which is the culprit behind the evil deeds of Darth Vader, who was seduced by it. In Episode V, Master Yoda reveals what the dark side of the Force, that seduced and consumed Darth Vader, is: “A Jedi's strength flows from the Force. But beware of the dark side. Anger, fear, aggression... The dark side of the Force are they. Easily they flow, quick to join you in a fight.” He explains, the dark side is "quicker, easier, more seductive" but it is not stronger.

"If once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny, consume you it will, as it did Obi-Wan's apprentice. The consciousness of Obi-Wan, manifested by the Force, warns Luke, “don’t give in to hate. That leads to the dark side.” As a part of his training, Yoda sends Luke Skywalker into a cave, from which Luke feels death emanating, and what is “strong with the dark side of the Force”, which is “a domain of evil” - and inside, there will be nothing, “only what you take with you.” In Episode VI, Yoda repeats his warning, “anger, fear, aggression, the dark side are they.” In Episode I, he reveals how evil is created, identifying fear, especially the fear of losing the people we love as the origins of evil: "fear is a path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering" and in Episode III, he repeats: “fear of loss is a path to the dark side." He warns against not accepting death as part of life: “attachment leads to jealousy. The shadow of greed, that is.”

In Star Wars: The Clone Wars, there are two arcs elaborating on the dark side: the Mortis Arc and Yoda’s Arc. In Yoda's Arc, to achieve immortality, the Force Priestess Serenity instructs Yoda to face with "what in your existence some call evil, otherwise known as fear." Yoda battles with a dark creature that he can defeat only through recognizing it as his own dark side, something that is a part of himself, that is "part of all that lives." Serenity tells him afterwards, summarizing the lesson, "the beast is you and you are the beast." In the Mortis Arc, the dark side is explored as one of the two simplest parts of a cosmic construction that makes up the cosmos. The Son, himself a living being, embodies the cosmic function of destruction, death, the male line along which the form of living things develop in the womb, and selfishness, whereas the Daughter embodies the cosmic function of creation, birth, the female line along which the form of living things develop in the womb, and selflessness.

Summarizing the Dark Side of the Force

In George Lucas' Star Wars, the dark side of the Force, the energy created by all living things, surrounding and penetrating them, is part of all that lives: it's fear, anger, hate, aggression and selfishness, the culprit behind the actions and behaviors of those who we deem evil, and the causes and conditions which such behavior is the result of. "Evil" is just another name for fear, that is behind anger, which is behind hate. Fear, anger, hate and aggression are flowing very easily, arising within living things very quickly in a fight, seducing to a very easy path. However, once they give in to them, that will permanently influence how their destiny will unfold and they will consume them. Falling to the dark side of the Force is to fall under the sway of the dark side within us, causing evil and selfish behaviors towards others: fear, anger, hate, aggression. As part of a cosmic construction that makes up existence, the dark side of the Force is also the cosmic function of destruction, death, the male line along which the form of living things develop.

The Jedi Way: controlling the dark side

In Episode IV and V, Yoda and Obi-Wan are teaching Luke that "the Force is what gives a Jedi his power" and that "a Jedi's strength flows from the Force" but they warn him to be careful with the strength and power of the dark side, the fear, anger, aggression within him, since if he gives in to their seduction and starts down on the path of fear, anger and aggression, if he gives in to hate, he will turn into "an agent of evil" and be consumed by his dark side, like Darth Vader, and it will leave a permanent mark on his life, When Luke asks, "how do I know the good side from the bad?", Master Yoda replies, "you will know, when you are calm, at peace, passive. A Jedi uses the Force for knowledge and defense, never for attack."

His lesson is repeated in Episode I and II: the Jedi are telling Anakin Skywalker, "be mindful of your emotions" and also, "be mindful of your thoughts" and emphasizing the importance to be mindful. To be mindful of one's emotions is to be conscious and aware of them - generally, they are making us to respond immediately, without any conscious thought, pushing us to act upon them, driven by them. However, by bringing our emotions into the space of our conscious and passive, i.e. non-judgmental and non-reactive awareness, with calmness and inner peace, their power to kick us out of the driver's seat, to narrow our perspective and distort our perception of reality falls away: we can find the gap between the moments of our experience and the reaction, response, where we have control, and not falling under the sway of fear, anger, aggression or hatred.

In Yoda"s Arc of Star Wars: The Clone Wars, Yoda confronts with the reflection of his own dark side: "Part of me you are, yes, but power over me you have not. Through patience and training, it is I, who control you. My dark side, you are. Reject you, I do."

Letting go of Attachments

Attachment, the feeling that we like or love somebody or something and that we would be unhappy without them, is infused with the fear of loss and the unreasonable and unrealistic desire to hold on to life, to the people we love - to not accept the reality of life’s passages and changes, which is to say things come, things go. As Shmi explains to Anakin in Episode I, "you can't stop change any more than you can stop the suns from setting" and when change comes, when "it's time for you to let go" what he must do is to "be brave and don't look back." However, in Star Wars: the Clone Wars, the Mortis Arc, Anakin confesses to the likeness of Shmi, "the only love I feel in my heart is haunted by what would happen should I let go" to which she replies, "Then it is not love. It is a prison."

As Yoda tells to Anakin in Episode III, repeating Shmi's lesson, "Death is a natural part of life. Rejoice for those around you who transform into the Force" that "The fear of loss is a path to the dark side" since from fear comes anger, from anger comes hate and therefore, he tells Anakin, "train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose." For this reason, as Anakin recalls Yoda's teaching in Star Wars: The Clone Wars, "A Jedi must not form attachments." In Episode II, Padmé asks Anakin, "Are you allowed to love? I thought that was forbidden for a Jedi." Anakin replies, when it comes to loving people, "Attachment is forbidden. Possession is forbidden. Compassion, which I would define as unconditional love, is central to a Jedi's life." Whereas attachment is a path to the dark side, by definition, compassion is to feel with, suffer with, to experience with another person - it's a sense of oneness, of being parts of each other, from which the genuine aspiration to make another person happy and free from suffering arises, rather than the desire for them to be parts of our lives, stay in our lives, so they can supply us with satisfaction, pleasure, enjoyment. Thus, compassion is clean of the fear of loss.

The Sith and Using the Dark Side of the Force

In Episode V and VI, the Sith Lords, Darth Vader and Darth Sidious are both urging Luke to forsake the Jedi way, to make him to give in, to relinquish control over his fear, anger, hate and aggressive feelings, so he will experience the power of their energy and be seduced by it - to do the opposite of what Yoda and Obi-Wan taught him. “Release your anger. Only your hatred can destroy me” and “use your aggressive feelings” and “let the hate flow through you” with the Emperor encouraging him, "give in to your anger" and rejoicing, as Luke's anger and hate is "swelling" in him, saying, "with each passing moment you make yourself more my servant." He urges Luke, "strike me down with all of your hatred and your journey towards the dark side will be complete!" Vader briefly manages to make Luke use the dark side by resorting to the same tactic that Darth Sidious used on him in Episode III: "Give yourself to the dark side. It is the only way you can save your friends" and "If you will not turn to the dark side then perhaps [Leia] will." As Luke gives himself to his fear, anger and hate, mutilating his father in rage, the Emperor cheers: "Good! Your hate has made you powerful. Now fulfill your destiny and take your father's place at my side!"

Fear, anger, hate, aggression, in the short term, make our minds more focused, give us a huge burst of energy and determination, and thus, make us more effective in getting things done and in obtaining what we seek, the rush of adrenaline is seductive and pleasurable. But this energy is ultimately blind: unless we meet them with conscious awareness, they will hijack us, kick us out of the driving seat, swallowing our perception and the ability to accurately appraise situations, to view things and people from different angles and points of view, fades. As Anakin describes them in Episode III, the Sith found power and strength in such state, in the quick and easy path: "The Sith rely on their passion for their strength." And this is exactly how Darth Vader and the Emperor or other Sith Knights are talking of the dark side of the Force and the power they obtain from it: "I can feel your anger. It gives you focus, makes you stronger" as Palpatine says to Anakin in Episode III. In Star Wars: The Clone Wars, Ventress and Dooku are training Savage Oppress to utilize his dark emotions in the same way: "You will learn to draw your strength from your emotions. Hate will feed you." To not let this strength to fade, "never sympathize with the enemy, not even for a moment.” Furthermore, “You must connect with your hatred! Focus on your power building. Do not think anyone or anything else” and “your anger is your strength!”

Just like Yoda said, these emotions are arising very quickly when we’re facing with an enemy, they’re offering a very easy way to deal with them, they make the world appear to be very simple, they’re very, very seductive - they would lead to immediate satisfaction but, at the same time, it strengthens and feeds the part of ourselves that is the same part that keeps our enemies under its sway. Thus, if Luke strikes down Vader, the Emperor gets a new Darth Vader at his side; if Luke strikes down the Emperor, Vader ends up with an apprentice and he can become Emperor himself.

Seeking to Stop the Suns Form Setting

"I will be the most powerful Jedi ever! I promise you I will even learn to stop people from dying!" Anakin swears to Padmé, in Episode II. In Episode III, Darth Sidious tempting Anakin with the alleged power of the Sith Lord, Darth Plagueis, who, "had such a knowledge of the dark side, he could even keep the ones he cared about from dying." Whereas the Jedi are training themselves to let go of everything they fear to lose, and accept change and death as inevitabilities of life, the Sith are seeking to find a way to stop change and death.

In Star Wars: The Clone Wars, when Yoda travels to Moraband, the ancient homeworld of the Sith, the illusions of the long-dead Sith Lords are whispering the fears plaguing the ego: "There is no life after death. Only nothingness awaits you, Jedi. Your fear feeds our hunger for power." As Yoda concludes, "Captivated by the physical realm the Sith are." Palpatine, manipulating Anakin, asserts, the Jedi and the Sith are similar in their "quest for greater power" and Anakin replies, the Sith "think inwards. Only about themselves." Seeking ultimate power over everything, due to their fear of losing what they got, and the anger and hate following from that fear, as the illusion of Darth Bane reveals, "the Sith killed each other, victims of their own greed." To ensure their survival, they created the rule of two: there could be only one Sith master and only one Sith apprentice, with the master seeking to grow more powerful through his apprentice, and the apprentice is seeking to recruit an apprentice on his own, to kill the master and rule the universe.

For a better understanding George Lucas' philosophy mirrored by Jedi teachings on the dark side and good and evil, compassion and attachment, or more quotes from him on this topic, see my essay and collection of quotes here and here.

#star wars #the dark side of the force #Sith #Jedi #Sith teachings #Jedi teachings #clone wars #yoda

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failing-to-write-again · 1 year

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(Part 1) Head-canon for Sakamaki & Yui: Human reader contains the Phoenix Force a cosmic entity who represents life, death, and rebirth including the forces of creation and destruction. The PF is an immortal, indestructible, and manifestation of the prime universal forces. Born of the void between states it is the nexus of all psionic energy of the past, present, and future in all realities of the Multiverse. Basically reader has powers to bring back the dead, true immortality (kill and than revived) healing powers that can cure Endzeit, reality warping, cosmic flames burning underwater and in space, teleport anywhere at anytime to any plane of existence… Jean Grey when corrupted into Dark Phoenix entered space and consumed a star, destroying an entire solar system - killing millions (sorry had to go there) Most importantly is well aware of the multiple timelines Karlheinz has created subsequently feeling his gaze even from afar. Karlheinz is watching. Always.

So you are a god lol, definitely make Karl uncomfortable but he can hardly do shit against the levels of your power!

Shu

While not as much of a control freak as Reiji we cannot ignore the fact that Shu is an heir apparent. He may seem generally apathetic to the crown but he has had his moments in the games where he steps up and shows responsibility, even if its to avoid Karl's wrath.

That being said Shu is a rather dominant character, while he generally looks to be in more submissive positions: sitting, laying down, beneath Yui. Calling these moments submissive is ignoring the context. Shu is subtle power, unlike Reiji he is not insecure about this position, he owns the situation and so controls Yui and his brothers from merely laying down. Now here you come making a mess. If the discomfort you bring is not bad enough you have cosmic flames.

Shu, the same as his brothers, have never had to submit to what they view as human, and as vampire royalty their only real risk is each other. Coming into the scene may be what finally unites them.

I could just see his face now when he tries to pull you into the bath only to get a very nasty surprise. It wouldn't shock me if he either ran or began attempting to organize an "unfortunate event."

Reiji

Fuck no, just all the way no. While in long term relationships I believe Reiji would generally be more open to submissiveness if you are very clearly more dominate from the open with him you end up dead or he'll die trying. Expect everything in your food, tea, clothing, gas attacks EVERYTHING.

He is fully aware you are plotting something, his father has no power over you so who sent you. Trust the moment you start discussing killing parts of the solar system he's one of the generals leading the army against you.

Ayato

Is there more to say then he would be crying in the corner? Ayato has no end to his toxic masculinity and the mommy issues, and the general insecurity.

I envision he tries to bite you and he gets force punched into the next dimension. He is too stupid to learn to fear you.

Laito

The general rule is don't fuck crazy, and if they're both crazy and is stronger than you, you run. He is normally down to clown with anything with two legs but MOMMY ISSUES.

He is however, smart enough to learn to steer clear and fear after Ayato. I suppose if you want affection he is your best bet, but trust if he ever feels he has a shot he'd be using your affections to stab you in the back.

Kanato

Speed running death ngl. He would charge immediately after you make your mood as the little psycho he is before being toyed with. If you were being particularly cruel you could have him join his doll collection. Before returning those dolls into what I can only assume is a fairly pissed off living form.

Its giving you tapped the class and now the fish is going bonkers but can do nothing to stop you.

Subaru

This is going to sound very dark, and it is, but I think he'd be almost glad that you are ready to and can kill him. Emo thinks he's a monster, best believe he will be arguing until you snap and snap his neck.

Fear must be a very new emotion for him in this form. Sure he may have been scared to hurt people, he has never had to fear someone truly other than in his childhood. Don't think you'll ever know he'll be tooo busy talking back and acting tuff.

#reiji sakamaki #diabolik lovers #diabolik lovers imagine #shu sakamaki #ayato sakamaki #diabolik boys #diabolik lovers headcanon #kanato sakamaki #laito sakamaki #subaru sakamaki

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shadowsandstarlight · 1 year

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So here’s my post about the links and oppositions of The Dread Powers.

Okay, so oppositions, indicated here by complimentary background colours: Eye/Stranger, Web/Spiral, Hunt/Slaughter, Flesh/Corruption, Desolation/Dark, Buried/Vast, End/Lonely.

Analogous colours indicate alliances, such as yellow-orange+yellow+yellow-green (Stranger+Spiral+Slaughter).

Some of the links and oppositions are easy connections to make, or are mentioned in-podcast, like Vast/Buried, Vast+Lonely+Eye, Web/Spiral, or Hunt+Flesh. Some take some more thought, like Slaughter/Hunt and Flesh/Corruption. On the surface you’d probably see those pairings more as alliances than oppositions- Slaughter and Hunt are both about killing, Flesh and Corruption are both being consumed. But Hunt is killing with intent and reason where Slaughter is specifically mindless violence for the sake of violence. Flesh is being consumed via eating, where Corruption is disease and rot which by definition oppose being eaten. Corruption is also a more moral form of consumption (ie toxic relationships, literal moral corruption, consuming passion) while Flesh is far more literal about eating. Some really don’t make sense at a glance- Lonely/End, for example. What makes more loneliness than death? But Lonely is about isolation, and a lot of the fear is based on avoidable loss of what you have due to your own mistakes, versus the End, which induces fear in its inevitability, less about your own isolation and more about those you’re leaving behind- the opposite of Lonely. Even the clearer opposites have some really interesting reasonings when you look at the more metaphorical manifestations of the Fears. The Vast is cosmic insignificance, while Buried is the crushing weight of regrets and the significance of every decision you make. The Desolation is fire, but is specified as a Lightless Flame- none of the positive brightness- which means opposition with the Dark makes less sense. But, the Desolation is all about losing what you have, knowing what there is to lose, what you will lose. The Dark is about not knowing, about what could be out there, about what harm could come to you and that which you love. Certainty vs potential. These things exist between every single fear, in the alliances as much as the oppositions. I have taken as much as possible into account, with every single Fear, everything that falls into every category. And man, did it seem like they hated me sometimes. Especially when I was setting colours. They really are like colours, but if colours hated you.

#I can and will say more if you ask!

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ofclympians · 2 years

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⌈ ♔ ⌉ 𝖔𝖕𝖊𝖓 𝖘𝖙𝖆𝖗𝖙𝖊𝖗

" YOU HAVE TO SWEAR YOU WON'T TELL ANYONE. i'm serious — swear! " ozzy's panicking. his greatest fear has finally been unintentionally manifested into existence by some cruel twist of cosmic fate. he curses every single intrusive thought he's ever had about this exact scenario as he paces back in forth in front of his soggy rescue. water has formed little pockets in the indents of their coat and is quietly sloshing out onto their sodden shoes. they're probably cold, and if he weren't three short, fast breaths away from a full-blown anxiety attack, he'd definitely be focused on regulating their body temperature. " you were drowning. i — i had no choice... " his words tumble out of his mouth in a series of short pants. ozzy's whole entire life is about to C H A N G E, he's sure of it. this is the first time anyone outside of his immediate family has witnessed his abilities. his body went into the autopilot the moment he saw the ripples of a fight just beneath the water's surface; he just did it. an indistinguishable throb of the neck vein and a subtle hand movement and the water had stilled and parted, gently delivering the frightened victim to safety — where they were now staring at him, fully alert and silent. " listen, i can explain. just... don't freak out. i can explain everything. "

#indie rp #open starter #indie starter #independent rp #greek mythology rp #⌈ ♔ ⌉ PROSE. || ✧ –––– ozzy harris.#ozzy's the son of poseidon #do with that what u will

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angstsfordays · 3 years

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Beautiful Pain (4)

Chapter Four- Now or Never

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Enhanced! Reader

Summary: Post-Blip, you started to feel lost when most of the Avengers team are gone. Coping with your loss, you still find hope in the connection with your remaining friends. However, it is not easy as everyone is trying to figure their lives after the Blip.

Having a long history with Bucky ever since you both saved each other from Hydra, you were still glad you had Bucky after all this time. However, as you try to give Bucky space to find himself after being pardoned for his past, you start to wonder if you should ever cross the line of friendship before it’s too late.

That thought might have to be put on hold though, when you, Sam and Bucky find yourselves having to deal with threats that continue to rise in a post-Blip world.

Chapter synopsis: Your supposed ally leads you to an unlawful nation where danger lurks at every corner. Bucky starts to see you in a different light.

Warnings: Sexual objectification. Very bad undercover work. Calling Sam daddy. Sexual innuendos.

Word count: 4.8k

Notes: I am very humbled that people have been enjoying the story and liking it so far! This means to me a lot as a novice writer! ☺️

I had a lot of fun writing this chapter, felt like I got more to expand for the Madripoor episode. I love to know what y’all think of it so far! 😘

The tag list is still open! Let me know if you want to join with a message or comment in the chapters!

Previous: Prologue | Chapter One | Chapter Two | Chapter Three

Next: Chapter Five

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As Zemo made arrangements on his end, you did not know what to expect. You, Sam and Bucky were brought to the tarmac of a small private airport, your attention was brought to the private plane that Zemo was leading you towards.

Sam made a comment on Zemo’s wealth and the latter explained that he was practically royalty before the Avengers destroyed his country. Touché.

You took the seat right across from Zemo and you couldn’t help but put your guard up around the man. He could sense the tension all over your face and offered champagne to which you declined. You wanted to make sure you were fully sober around this guy.

As you looked on at the exchange he had with his steward, he almost looked decent for a moment. You wouldn’t have thought of this guy to be a manipulative and scheming man that caused that chain of events many years ago.

“You don’t know what it’s like to be locked in a cell.” Zemo started off after having a sip of his champagne. He then paused in his actions as he looked over all of you and corrected him.

“Oh that’s right, you all do. My apologies.” Rolling your eyes, you crossed your arms as you leaned into the comfort of the plush aeroplane seat.

Sam tried to get Zemo to start talking but the baron brushed it off for a moment as he looked at a book in fascination. As Zemo brought up a familiar notebook, he asked who Nakajima was.

Your eyes perked up at the familiar name and you immediately turned to look at Bucky who instantly pounced on Zemo and grabbed him into a chokehold. Bucky warned him not to touch his notebook or he would actually kill Zemo, probably with his bare hands.

As Bucky settled down in his seat once more, you gave him a knowing look but he averted his eyes to avoid eye contact. The conversation then took a more light-hearted turn as Sam tried to describe how Steve noted down his suggestion of the Trouble Man soundtrack in the notebook that now was passed onto Bucky.

Sam asked if Bucky liked it too and the super-soldier replied that he liked 40’s music to which Sam look almost offended that Bucky didn’t share his taste in music. Bucky looked like he didn’t even want to bother but he clarified that he indeed liked it just to get Sam to back off.

Zemo decided to join in the conversation and put his two cents. Sam was surprised at how Zemo managed to eloquently describe the music style. Afterwhich, Sam went on to say how everyone loved Marvin Gaye while Bucky agreed that he did too.

Sam added that Steve adored the singer too. Hearing this, Zemo commented that Bucky must have looked up to Steve very much.

Yes, we all did. You wanted to add that in too.

Zemo, however, then took the liberty of giving his view on Steve. He talked about how dangerous it could be to idolize super soldiers like Steve and start to disregard their flaws, thus allowing him to not be held accountable for the repercussions that stem from his actions. Even if that meant the formation of movements, the fighting of wars, the loss of innocent lives.

Sam gave him a warning to better stop talking but Zemo continued on. When Zemo noticed how you started shaking your head in dissatisfaction, he gave a light chuckle before speaking directly to you.

“Miss Y/N. Contrary to my own personal views on enhanced individuals, I do find you fascinating, The files I read on you only make me more curious. Can I ask some questions?” You could feel the attention being put on you in the room and you grew slightly uncomfortable.

“What do you want?” Hoping to act nonchalant to mask your nervousness, you crossed your legs and leaned back into your seat.

“You have no family history. You grew up in an orphanage, am I right?” Nodding at the facts he laid out, Zemo carried on.

“You couldn’t have possibly been experimented on. You have gotten into any accidents?” You shook your head in response.

“Chemical exposure, radioactive bites, cosmic ray exposures….those are the possibilities that an ordinary person could obtain superhuman abilities according to the theories online.” Unimpressed, you continued to shake your head at him.

“Tell me. I’m curious.” You couldn’t entertain the likes of him but seeing how he was leaning in to wait for your answer, you gave an indifferent expression before speaking.

“It appeared out of nowhere. Someone committed arson in the local convenience shop where I was at the time. I was trapped with the elderly shopkeeper and I thought we were both going to die. A burning beam was falling onto us and I thought that was the end. I suddenly emitted a burst of energy that managed to put own the fire and incinerate the beam into ashes.” As you retold your story, memories of your fear from that time came back.

“The shopkeeper lost consciousness but I saw everything. I wasn’t sure if it was me but I ran away. I couldn’t’ return to the orphanage because I was afraid the police would find me. I lived on the streets for a week before my powers manifested again.” Your eyes fall to your fidgety hands, cracking your knuckles as it gave you some sort of relief.

“A kid was crossing the street without his mum knowing and a car was speeding on the road. I tried to reach out and pull him back in but the car was just inches away from us both. I caused a scene that couldn’t be ignored. S.H.I.E.L.D managed to find me and took me in.” Zemo’s eyes were tracking your every movement and expression in a way that Bucky didn’t like. As if you were something up for display and Bucky put his foot down.

He was getting protective of you and did not want Zemo to harbour any hidden intentions. Who knew what Zemo was thinking of?

Zemo spoke up before Bucky had the chance.

“Fascinating just fascinating. It’s like your powers had been dormant inside you all along. Are you even human?”

“Last time I checked, my blood is still red.” Your sarcastic response earned a laugh from Zemo and he stroked his chin as he continued to observe you quietly. Sensing he had more thoughts in his mind, you returned the questions back to him.

“You hate enhanced individuals so much, would you get rid of me if you had the chance?” Growing a smirk, Zemo wasn’t expecting you to ask him that and he was more than eager to give his reply.

“I am undecided, but you’re different. I can see you are more discreet than the others, just like Bucky over here.” Zemo made his final remark before he moved on to talking about the location that you were headed.

His words sunk in and you kept on thinking about how he hit the nail on the head.

Yes, you had to be more discreet. You could never proudly show off what you had, instead, you had to keep yourself hidden in order to protect yourself.

Recalling your S.H.I.E.L.D days, you remembered how you were told to keep your powers on a low profile by Director Fury himself.

Your lab results came back and it was discovered that you had a special gene in your DNA that could be identified. There weren’t any references or connections to existing research and findings so you were viewed almost as an abnormality.

It was then later discovered that your powers were connected to your life force and if you ever over-exerted yourself, you could possibly die. That almost happened back during the civil war between the Avengers. It was the first time you ever used your powers on a larger scale and you had even passed out at the end of the battle.

You remembered waking up in a hospital bed on the raft.

When you found refuge in Wakanda, you got to learn more about your powers with Shuri’s help. She believed as long as you trained your stamina and built up your strength, you could control your powers without ever worrying about being drained. That’s how you found yourself the privilege to receive special training with the Dora Milajae under King T’Challa’s request.

You definitely owed the Wakandans big time.

Seeing how you were uncharacteristically down, Bucky wanted to check in with you out of concern. However, he chose to restrain himself, thinking that you probably one to be left alone. He wished he could do more for you like you do for him.

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Before you knew it, you landed in Madripoor. An island nation that was lawless and dangerous, yet home to the darkest of black markets and underground businesses. Zemo said that all of you could not go in as yourselves and had to basically go in undercover.

You couldn’t hold back your laughter when Sam changed and came out in a fancy printed suit. He was to act as a real life promiscuous and rich man who really could have been his doppelgänger when you saw a picture of the man.

However, you weren’t one to laugh when Zemo asked you to act as one of Conrad Mack aka Smiling Tiger’s fling for the night. When you first received your outfit, you threw it back in Zemo’s face.

You were not the most comfortable with sexy and revealing clothing personally so you couldn’t imagine yourself wearing it at all. Zemo tried to convince you that Smiling Tiger’s women were all of a certain type so you had to go through with it in order to fit in.

Letting out a groan, you snatched the little champagne dress with an open keyhole back. The front was designed to give a loose look that shyly reveals your cleavage. The dress held onto your shoulders with thin straps and it overall gave the impression of a silk slip dress.

When you put it on, you wiped your clammy hands on the silk material and grimaced at how it barely covered your ass. You were grateful that the shoes you received had thick block heels as you had forgotten how to even walk in high heels anymore.

Swiping on the red lipstick for the final touch, you took a deep breath to calm your nerves as you looked in the mirror. You got this.

Stepping out of the changing room, you were met with the full attention of all three men and you put a finger up to warn them of making any unneeded comments.

“Damn Y/N. I mean this in the nicest way possible but this is an entirely different look for you. In a good way, of course.” Sam tried to compliment you seeing that you weren’t fully into your outfit.

“Thanks, Sam.” You knew his intentions were always pure and good, so you didn’t mind it much. As he and Zemo went off to discuss something, you saw that Bucky was still looking at you intently. He must think you look weird, you thought.

In all the years that Bucky have known you, it was the first time he has seen you looking like this. You always had gone for casual and comfortable looks in your daily life. The only time he has seen something different was when you put on your tailored suits for formal events.

He had to do a double-take when he saw how the little dress number hugged your figure in the right places.

Bucky knew he shouldn’t continue looking but his eyes fleeting quick glances when you were looking elsewhere. He always felt that you were one of the most beautiful people he knew on the inside, the fact that you could look past what he did and accept him for he was. He never felt that he had to pretend to be fine when you’re around because you were there to accept him for better or worst.

Seeing you now stirred up a different feeling inside of him. Why did you suddenly seem so attractive this time? He did not want to be that guy who viewed women differently because of the way they dressed. In fact, he was never the kind to like someone because of the way they look but more of how they make him feel.

However, observing how bashful and shy you look in front of him, Bucky suddenly felt rather nervous himself. He saw you taking a step towards and he swore his breath hitched as his mind was registering this scene in slow-motion.

Your hands came up to put his dog tags inside his black shirt before going for the zipper of his jacket. Your eyes fleetingly met his for a moment before you started saying something.

Bucky wasn’t able to process it as he was entirely focused on how you were casually helping him as you normally did, but his mind can’t help but think of it as an intimate gesture.

You continued to buckle up the belts of Bucky’s harness and couldn’t help but to relish in the act of caring for him. This was probably the only time you could fulfil your feelings of wanting to be close to him without crossing the line.

“All done.” Once you have adjusted the straps on his shoulder to make sure they were comfortable, you glanced to see Bucky looking down at you in a daze.

“Hey Buck, you there?” Calling for his attention, Bucky snapped back to reality as he saw you staring at him with a curious doe-eyed look. Clearing his thought, Bucky scrambled to recall what you had said and just continued looking at you in question.

You went on to ask if the straps were comfortable to which he nodded curtly. You grinned in satisfaction for a short moment before it fell into a tight-lipped smile.

“Bucky, are you really ok to go into character? I know how hard you worked to get away from all of that.” Implying how he had to act like the Winter Soldier for this undercover mission, Bucky took a deep breath before answering you.

“I’ll be fine. It’s just for this mission.” You just silently nodded at his words before signalling that you two should get a move on.

-------------------------//---------------------------

All of you were heading to Low Town as Zemo named to find his informant, Selby. Zemo reminded everyone to stay in character regardless of the situation, if not the mission would be compromised and your lives could be at risk.

Zemo gave you a personal warning to avoid using your powers if possible. If your powers were revealed publicly, there was a high chance you were at a bigger risk than the rest because people would want to take you for their own.

It was not every day an enhanced individual with superpowers walks into Madripoor and you would definitely become a prize to be coveted.

You were first greeted by the hustle and bustle of the nightlife crowd. The neon signs lit up the incredibly dark streets followed by the loud booming music that could be heard from some of the places that you passed. Your eyes were focused on Zemo’s back as he led all of you to the location, refusing to make eye contact with anyone else.

Entering the crowded bar, you could hear Zemo speaking Russian to Bucky. You weren’t familiar with the language but you could make out one world, Soldat.

Sneaking your arms around Sam who was caught off, you gave me a pointed look that told him that the undercover work starts now. He gave you a brief nod before rolling out his shoulders and you pressed yourself closer to him, putting your acting face on.

All of you stood by the bar where the bartender greeted all of you.

“Hello, gentlemen. Wasn’t expecting you, Smiling Tiger.” The bartender nodded to Sam. His eyes moved over to meet yours before greeting you, Miss. You gave your best smile in return.

“His plans changed. We have business to do with Selby.” Zemo told the bartender. You could see the shift in his eyes and saw someone from out of the corner of your eye moving away. Shifting your stance, the bartender didn’t acknowledge Zemo’s words and glanced back to you again.

“New face?” His comment was directed towards Sam but seeing how Sam was hesitating, you realised that he hadn’t had much experience with undercover work at all. He was a military man not a spy or agent after all.

“Hopefully, the last.” You giggled shyly and looked up to Sam with an affectionate gaze before giving the bartender a wink.

The bartender nodded curtly before asking Sam (Smiling Tiger) if he wanted his usual. Sam nodded silently in an efforts to prevent himself from doing anything out of character.

You caught Bucky looking at you as he leaned sideways on the counter. Your silent exchange was a way for you two to check in with each other and a brief smile mirrored on both of your faces before you turn to see the bartender taking out a snake from a big jar.

Trying to control your expression at the disgust coming up your throat, you subtly swallowed heavily at the sight of how the bartender slit the snake open. Sam who had his back turned for a brief moment was shocked to see what was presented on the counter in front of him.

Zemo tried to continue to put on the act and acted like it was nothing out of the ordinary. Your global knowledge and several visits to Asia made you realised why this was the Smiling Tiger’s favourite. Snakes infused into wine was touted to be an aphrodisiac to help a man increase, ahem, stamina.

Bucky felt almost bad for Sam and looked away briefly. You could see Sam gulping down nervously when the bartender added the finishing touch to the drink and you gently rubbed his arm for emotional support.

“I love these.” Sam managed to say through gritted his teeth and clinked his glass with Zemo. Your own bile almost resurfaced and you quickly turned your head to hide your nervous gulp.

Putting up a thumbs up awkwardly, you wanted to facepalm when the bartender looked back at Sam with a dubious expression.

You knew you needed to do something so everyone’s covers won’t be blown. Putting on a sly smirk, you let a hand move up Sam’s chest slowly and sensually before resting it where his heart was.

“Looks like you and I will be in for a long night.” Adding a slight giggle, you pretended to act shy after you spoke your words. Sam was trying his hardest to not look bewildered at your act while Bucky was trying to suppress a sudden wave of annoyance that washed over him.

He knew that this was an act but he still didn’t like it for some reason. He had to admit that he was not expecting you to get into character so well, seeing that this image you were presenting was the furthest cry from who you actually were.

The bartender looked slightly less suspicious of all of you before he went away. You could feel Sam heaving a sigh of relief beside you and you did the same alongside him.

Another man came up to Zemo, telling him of how he was unwelcomed in the area. Zemo putting up a cool façade, explained he had no business with someone named the power broker. Zemo restated his business here once more before the guy left.

Zemo explained that the power broker runs Madripoor and it was best you all stayed under his radar. Moments passed before another guy came up behind Zemo and Zemo turned to Bucky talking in Russian once more.

The instant the man placed his hands on Zemo, Bucky went into winter soldier mode. Everyone’s attention was directed to the scene happening. The whirling sound of Bucky’s vibranium was heard clearly as he was nearly crushing the man’s hands and went ahead to knock him over.

More and more people started to gather fool’s courage to take on Bucky. You saw how he easily took down everyone with barely any sweat.

“Didn’t take much for him to fall back into form,” Zemo commented to you and Sam, and in all honesty, you wanted to choke him like what Bucky was doing to another guy on the bar’s counter.

Hearing the continuous clicking of guns from everyone in the bar, your senses were now alert at the possibility of having to break character and use your powers.

“Stay in character or the whole bar turns on us.” Zemo whispered into your ear and grabbed onto your hand before you could even think of doing anything.

Zemo got Bucky to back down and the bartender told you all that Selby was ready for your visit. Sam checked in with Bucky to which he responded with a curt nod.

As you made your way along the back end of the bar, you could see the stacks of cash all over a table and the armed guards that filled up every corner of the room.

“You should know, Baron. People don’t come into my bar and make demands.” Selby turned out to look like what you would imagine her to be. She sat comfortably on her couch with a dominant presence and seemed like she was not someone easy to deal with.

Zemo tried to reassure her that he was making offers not demands to quell her mood. Selby asked how Zemo was able to escape from prison and Zemo replied smugly on how people like them always found a way.

As Zemo tried to shift focus onto the order of business, Selby wasn’t still into it. Making a comment about Sam’s taller than usual height, Sam not knowing what to respond just nodded in silence.

She even purred at him teasingly before her eyes landed on you.

“Who’s this pretty little thing you have here? Where are you from?” Selby’s eyes narrowed in as you sense everyone starting to look flustered by the unexpected question. You were just meant to play a background character but didn’t expect the sudden attention.

Biting your lips into a furtive grin, you snaked your hands around Sam’s biceps. “Daddy picked me up from the club that I was working at. He says I am his one and only now.”

The men all tried to stop their jaws from dropping to the floor at your sweetly coy act. Who were you?

“Hmm…” Selby hummed while she looked you up and down. “You can do better, sweetie,” Selby remarked smugly before giving a subtle gesture to herself.

Lips forming into an ‘o’, you feigned a surprised reaction at the flattery. You tried to send a flirtatious look back so that Selby would be in a better mood.

Your act was rewarded when Selby grinned wider and asked Zemo for his offer. In exchange for information on the super-soldier serum, Zemo was willing to trade Bucky in pretence. He added how he would give Selby the codes word to control Bucky, treating him like an object.

A wave of anger started rushing through you as the scene unfolded and you glanced to see how Selby became more intrigued.

“Hmm, I have plenty of strong men already working for me. What else can he offer?” Zemo was taken aback by Selby’s words, thinking that she would already be interested in Bucky.

As the men were grappling to come up with a good response, you went on your first instinct and spoke up.

“Well he is rather handsome, isn’t he?” Everyone’s focus turned onto you and you took a breath to continue as Selby gave you an expecting look.

“Not as handsome as my daddy here but-” Walking around Sam, you headed towards Bucky who was trying to look unbothered but dying of curiosity on what you were about to do.

“He seems like fun to play with.” You purred as you gazed at Bucky’s profile. You gestured for Bucky to face you and could see how he was still staying in character. Running your fingers down his five o'clock shadow, your eyes glinted as you batted your lashes flirtatiously before looking over your shoulder back at Shelby.

“You can’t help but imagine having a good time with him. Super soldier serum should have some perks, no?” Your hidden innuendo was loud and clear to everyone in the room. If this didn’t appeal to Selby, you didn’t know what will.

Sam was trying his hardest to maintain his expression as he couldn’t believe his ears. Never in a million years would he think the sweet and innocent Y/N he knew actually dared to speak like that.

Bucky did his best to tighten his jaw and continue his stoic facade to hide the shock from what you had just said.

Never did he thought you would take the situation to such a turn. Your improv was unexpected and he couldn’t believe the woman in front of him was actually you.

Your sudden bold and cheeky persona was doing something to him. Your innuendo about him started to make him feel hot in his ears. Bucky had to clench his fist tightly to get himself to hold it together as he felt his heart racing out of nowhere.

He didn’t know what was happening to him but he knew you were having some sort of effect on him.

“Of course, that’s my silly opinion.” Turning to face Selby with a mischievous smile to keep up your character, you noted her looking at you thoughtfully as she rubbed her chin.

“Not just pretty but you’re witty, aren’t you?” Selby noted as she grinned like a Cheshire cat. Satisfied with your input, Selby then revealed what she knew about the super-soldier serums.

Apparently, there was a doctor, Dr William Nagel who has been helping the power broker to create the serums here in Madripoor. When Zemo tried to probe further about Nagel’s location, Selby decided that Zemo was overstepping.

In the very next moment, you could hear a vibration of a phone and saw Sam reaching out to his jacket.

Great, all of your covers might be blown. Selby demands that Sam answered it on speaker. The tension in the room could be cut with a knife. To carry on the act, Sam reluctantly proceeded to answer the phone.

A woman’s voice came up and in the next sentences spoken, you realised that she was his sister, Sarah. Oh boy, this wouldn’t end well. You closed your eyes in prayer as you hoped it can go over smoothly.

Taking a sharp intake of breath, you looked to see Bucky glancing down in shared unease. Sam was doing his best to make sure his cover won’t get blown. You thought all was going well but when you heard Sam’s name from Sarah, you knew you were all toast.

Selby immediately called for all of you to be killed and in that moment, all hell broke loose. Selby got shot in a blink of an eye and her guards were up in action. Bucky pushed you behind him protectively as he fought off Selby’s men.

Once all her guards are dealt with, Zemo called for weapons to drop and you took the back exit.

Making a swift escape, all of you tried to play it cool while taking long quick strides. The sound of the first gunshot made you jumped and sprang into a run. You saw Zemo took off in another direction but you didn’t have time for him.

You, Bucky and Sam decided to sprint ahead. “I can’t run in these heels.” Sam cried out and you retorted in annoyance.

“How do you think I feel? Mine’s twice as taller than yours!”

Bucky reached over to grab your hand and interlocked your fingers together. His super-speed was practically lifting you off the ground, dragging you like a rag dog.

"Hey! What the hell man? What about me?" Bucky ignored Sam's whining and focused on not letting your hand go.

Not knowing where you are headed, a sense of dread started pouring on you and you grew anxious by the second. People on motorbikes were starting to drive up behind you three.

You were wondering if it’s time to not give care and actually use your powers for real this time. All of a sudden, the two people on the bikes behind you have been shot by someone from above and you stopped in your tracks to locate that individual, fearing you were next.

Zemo reappeared from the shadows and claimed that you all might have a guardian angel.

“Drop it, Zemo.” The familiar voice brought relief as you matched it to the face that emerged into your sight.

Your smile at the thought of a friendly face faltered when she continued pointing a gun towards all of you. Sharon didn’t seem as pleased as you were. Turns out she had to fall off the grid and found herself in Madripoor after the turn of events many years ago.

"Y/N, is that you?" She took a double-take on you, probably not used to seeing you dress up like this.

"Hey." You awkwardly replied. The moment didn't last as Sharon trained her eyes on the men and continued to be hostile.

Your heart dropped as you hear her telling of how she was unable to be in contact with her family anymore. She had become a fugitive and still is. An immense amount of guilt washed all over you when she retorted about how she wasn’t backed by the Avengers.

You weren’t batch mates with Sharon back in S.H.I.E.L.D academy but you became friends when you crossed paths during work. You could not believe you haven’t reached out to her all this time.

Bucky pleaded with Sharon for her help and Sharon gave a thoughtful look at all of you. When she saw you with your uncomfortable expression, she gave a sighed and stated that she wasn’t done discussing the topic.

Offering refuge in her place at High Town, all of you accept it.

You sat beside her in the front and the two of you exchanged silent looks before she started the engine. What were the odds of seeing her again in Madripoor?

You hoped to be able to get a chance to talk to her later.

-------------------------//---------------------------

Tag list: @tanyaherondale @spookycereal-s @cataves @conflicted-noxsirius

#bucky x reader #bucky barnes x reader #bucky x oc #bucky x you #tfatws #marvel fanfiction #the falcon and the winter soldier #bucky barnes #beautiful pain #angstsfordays #bucky barnes fanfiction

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pocketsizedquasar · 3 years

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rambled about this elsewhere already but i’m not really sure how much i like the implication that the Web (and, sort of, the End) is capable of cognition and planning and sentience in a way that’s recognizable as such to humans?

like, right, you can have the End (or its avatars) be aware of its own demise, since that’s sort of the End’s whole thing, and there’s already been some precedent for manifestations of the Fears as capable of being afraid of the Fears themselves. but tbh the Web having the capability to, like...actively choose and plan things when the rest of the fears just are, just existing as some otherwordly desire that thinking creatures project onto... idk, it takes away the horror factor for me. making the Web feel more recognizably human, ish.

and even if the Web is capable of making conscious choices and plans, how does annabelle know what it wants? everything we’ve seen of avatars and humans trying to interact with the Entities so far has shown pretty clearly that we’re completely incapable of understanding them. that we’re just grasping at straws trying to interpret with human reasoning and logic things that by definition exist beyond logic (yaknow, cosmic horror shenanigans).

i think i would’ve much preferred if this plan we hear was annabelle’s plan specifically, not the Web’s. no cosmic eldritch fear monstrosity making its desires very clearly and rigidly known in a way that is really simple to understand. just annabelle! just another desperate human touched by the Fears trying to grasp at whatever it is she thinks her patron wants. that would’ve been much cooler to see, for me at least! and then you can have something like jon or martin calling her out for that -- you don’t know what the Web wants; the Web doesn’t want anything. it can’t even conceive of the want you’re projecting onto it. all the Web is is fear, and consumption, just like everything else here.

idk, i like me my cosmic horror that is very explicitly inhuman and so unfathomably beyond human morality and comprehension, so this feels like a step-down for me.

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lovecolibri · 3 years

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I really don't think we're supposed to see Alex as mad at Michael about the M*luca stuff. It's more likely he's just confused about why he's still Michael's go-to support person since Michael seemingly rejected his song and then forgot to tell him he wanted a future with him for a year. If I want something to come up from S2, it's definitely the song as well as F*rlex. Right now, Michael supposedly thinks Alex is with someone else, and Alex has no idea Michael wants him/is over M*ria. Michael only reaches out to Alex when he wants something. It would be super weird for them to suddenly start something without touching on some of this stuff. However much the show wants to avoid digging up M*luca/holding M*ria accountable, it still needs to be made clear Alex is Michael's person. Whether that's a handprint or their connection manifesting in some other way, we need to see it.

Oh Nonnie, I'm so sorry you ended up at the bottom of my inbox buried under a bunch of other stuff 😬😬😬 but also this is weirdly relevant after 3x08 because "It would be super weird for them to suddenly start something without touching on some of this stuff" is basically the main issue a lot of people have with Malex suddenly being together out of nowhere this season. By pretending season 2 doesn't exist for Malex, they aren't able to address why Malex aren't together already and why it's been 3 years since Alex returned and they last kissed in 1x03 (@nickykaysani don't you dare, we've talked about this 🤣). Yeah, they have other stuff going on, and personal growth they needed to do, but after a whole season of m*ria invaliding Alex's feelings and Michael picking her over Alex, trying to pretend it didn't happen makes every interaction with m*ria feel SO WEIRD and like something from the twilight zone.

One of the major complaints critics had about season 2 was Alex's not being allowed to have feelings and how it wasn't even a dramatic love triangle for the sake of CW drama, it was just one cosmic soulmate being written to chose someone else over the supposed love of his life, and the other cosmic soulmate being so self-loathing that he whole-heartedly supported this. And unfortunately, instead of fixing that by allowing Alex to want some justifiable distance from her AND Michael, all we saw was him wanting distance from Michael and not her. So it comes off like Alex has been upset at Michael, but why is he upset? Why has he been snapping at Michael all season instead of being supportive like he was all last season? Because the answer SHOULD BE, "Alex is upset that he showed for Michael all last season and Michael picked m*ria over him and then walked out during Alex's love song about them, so Alex thinks Michael doesn't want him anymore so it hurts being around him", but since the show refuses to give us Alex's POV on anything from last season because that might show m*ria in a bad light, or allowing him to do anything but be worshipful and in awe of m*ria, all we get is the season 1 dynamic of Alex being "mean" to or short with Michael without the audience really being told why.

And then 3x08 happens and we're told Alex has been fighting to keep Michael safe but since we haven't seen Alex's POV for this journey, just him saying goodbye to a yearlong hookup with tears in his eyes, it doesn't hit the right emotional beats it would have if we saw Alex being hurt from last season but still trying to make the world safe for Michael, and then seen them actually getting to talk about what happened and Michael getting the opportunity to put some of Alex's fears and hurts to rest, but they can't do ANY of that, or have Michael address his actions without also holding m*ria accountable, so they just...skipped it and it really cheapens the Malex love story.

Bless Vlamis and Tyler for being able to fucking sell it anyway because they did, but they can both dig into the sad and more meaty stuff and doing it together could have been something really cathartic and beautiful and healing for their characters and we all (Vlamis and Tyler included) had to miss out on that in order for the show to keep from addressing the m*ria problem and it's a shame.

I'm hoping they will talk more as the season goes on, but given what we got in 3x08 with the writers making sure to remind us again that both Michael and Alex just think m*ria hangs the moon (oh if only they weren't so tragically in love with each other 🙄), I doubt they will talk about it, and if they do it will just be that she was just too good to Michael and he didn't know how to be with her (bitch, where? She's never been good to or nice to or about Michael, ever.) in a way that supporter her and anyway, it was better he let her go or some other bullshit like that. At least Vlamis and Tyler also think this has been some kind of bullshit, which makes me personally feel a little better, and maybe they'll get all the m*ria worship out of their systems this season and we can get back on some normal footing next season. However, given that her character still brings nothing to the table that can't be done by someone else or gets information that they already have, I'm sure the show will continue to be bogged down by her character until the end. 😒🤷‍♀️🙃

#my sweet nonnie friends #roswell nm #season 3 spoilers #anti maria deluca #malex #i am so deeply disappointed by the writers for not even attempting to address this #like they thought people wouldn't notice #roswell nm my behated #they really screwed us and malex and vlam and tyler over by not dealing with this well #and now we all have to suffer for it #as does the rest of the show and all the plotlines and stories

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ginkgomoon · 3 years

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Victor’s Mercury Retrograde Call- Analysis

Saw this particular call and was inspired to do an analysis into what Mercury retrograde is and especially on what Victor’s views on these types of concepts are. Mercury retrograde happens tomorrow on the 29th to June 22rd. So I’d thought it would be fitting to post this beforehand. (And maybe foreshadow upcoming content....) Please enjoy! ❤️

Mercury

Mercury is the communication planet. It also talks about short distance travelling, governing your thirst for knowledge, your wit, negotiating skills, logic and rationality. In the Solar System, it’s the smallest planet (rip Pluto, you're still a planet to me) as well as one of the hottest. The name came from the Roman god Mercurius- the god of commerce, mediator for mortals and messenger of the gods.

Retrograde (Rx)

By definition, “retrograde” means that a planet is moving backwards in the sky. Really, it’s just an optical illusion. It comes from the Latin word “retogradus” meaning “backward step”. As planets orbit the Sun faster than Earth, they sometimes overtake our planet. This is what causes the retrograde motion to occur, making it looks like the planet is moving backwards from our view on Earth.

When planets are in retrograde in astrology, this means that we are stalling in the proceedings of the planet and the energies turn into itself, feeling the effects of one another deeply and more intensely. It can be shy, awkward, but can also progress great depth depending where the placement of it is in your chart.

What is Mercury Retrograde?

Mercury is the most well-known planet that goes into retrograde, normally occurring three to four times a year. Since Mercury rules communication, technology and rationality, people are often fearful when it is in retrograde as it’s known (and blamed) for various disruptions and misunderstandings to occur. But it’s so much more than just that.

When Mercury in retrograde occurs- just like the start of tomorrow, Mercury stops moving backwards on it’s cosmic path reminding us to do the same. This all relates back to the rule of as above, so below. This means whatever happens within our solar system will ultimately affect us here on Earth. (For example, the moon governs our emotions, and since our body is approximately 70% water, why wouldn’t the moon affect us too? But it’s not just us, it’s the moon’s gravitational pull on the oceans, in the same sense, it’s also the moodiness you may feel during full moons!)

Mercury in retrograde gets us to pause our own endeavours in its jurisdiction and review, reassess and clean up what no longer serves us. People from the past may show up, situations can repeat itself and things that have been lost may turn up again. Repressed issues, emotions or situations will come back and we’re forced to deal with them no matter what, requiring us to come up with new resolutions to old problems.

Victor’s Call

Victor: What was that message you just cancelled? MC: Oh sorry about that, I just sent it to the wrong person. Victor: I saw my name. It was about me, wasn’t it? MC: What? No, you must be seeing things! Victor: Really? Was I seeing things too when I saw all the incorrect data and typos in your report? MC: Sorry, I’ll revise that and I’ll have it to you first thing in the morning. Victor: As inept as you are, you never made such basic mistakes such as sending the wrong email or messing up data. What’s wrong with you lately? MC: I don’t know... just have been feeling really off, like I can’t do anything right. Victor: What was that? MC: Oh sorry, I shouldn’t be saying this to you. Victor: Didn’t you complain before about me not being a good listener? I’m listening now. MC: That’s okay save you listening for someone else. Victor: You might as well see you to my face if it’s me you’re going to complain about. MC: No, not complaints, more like constructive criticism you don’t mind, do you? Victor: If I minded, you wouldn’t have this chance. MC: Well, I’ve been in a terrible mood lately and with all this pressure from you... Victor: Terrible mood? Why? MC: Probably because Mercury is in retrograde. Victor: Mercury in retrograde? What the heck is that. MC: That’s when the planet Mercury... never mind, you won’t understand anyway. Victor: Don’t try to cover up for your inability to explain things. MC: Simply put that things happen with Mercury is in retrograde, all right? Victor: So you’re saying... Cosmic events have thrown your mood and work quality out of whack? MC: It may sound unbelievable but it’s true. It affects many people. Recently, my bracelet came somehow undone, I dropped my phone in the sink and just now I was tripped. Let’s not mention work. I don’t even know how I made the errors you pointed out. Victor: Are you sure it’s not because... MC: No, not because I was stupid but because... how do I put it... supernatural forces. It’s like an unseen hand leading you down the road of calamity. Victor: That retrograde stuff it’s all in your head. If you’re feeling unlucky that’s exactly what happens. Just like if you don’t think you can do the job. Don’t be late around by negative thoughts. If you’re truly struggling, take some time off if you feel overwhelmed, cut back on your workload. Oh and please feel free to call me to offer criticisms during Mercury’s retrograde.

Analysis

I did birth chart readings for Kiro and Gavin previously so before anything, I did a little check in on Victor’s birth chart and… wow. I was expecting to see some strong Earth/Capricorn placements, but I didn’t expect to see so many. This man has 5 planets in Capricorn! This means the Victor is dominantly Capricorn ruled- in most of his inner (main) planets as well.

This is relevant because this may influence how he views the concepts of astrology, which enforces the reasons why he doesn’t believe in it and relies on physical/ logic-based evidence, instead. This is compared to Gavin for example, who doesn’t have so many Earth dominant placements and he is all in about astrology and astronomy. But of course, this shouldn’t apply to everyone as other surrounding planets, placements and variables play a huge part in contributing to form their own opinions about these topics.

However, with Victor's dominant Capricorn placements, this manifests his disinterest and dishonesty for Mercury retrograde (and these types of concepts in general), refusing to believe in an idea or thing existing where there’s no physical evidence supporting it. Because to Earth placements, it’s more so the hard work, dedication and effort you put into something that creates the end result, more over a something that you can’t see.

In the call, MC is clearly not in the right mood to argue with Victor and knows that he wouldn’t believe her anyway.

Victor: Mercury in retrograde? What the heck is that. MC: That’s when the planet Mercury... never mind, you won’t understand anyway. Victor: Don’t try to cover up for your inability to explain things. MC: It may sound unbelievable but it’s true. It affects many people. Recently, my bracelet came somehow undone, I dropped my phone in the sink and just now I was tripped. Let’s not mention work. I don’t even know how I made the errors you pointed out. Victor: Are you sure it’s not because... MC: No, not because I was stupid but because... how do I put it... supernatural forces. It’s like an unseen hand leading you down the road of calamity. Victor: That retrograde stuff it’s all in your head.

Victor, MC is just understating the effects of Mercury retrograde. In fact, what MC experienced is probably one of the most mundane things that someone could think of when writing about what happens during retrograde- due to of its true complexity, it's rather hard to write about, perhaps. Though, I’m still incredibly appreciative that they included it in the game. Even more than once!

During Mercury retrograde, some good ideas are to double check your emails before sending them, to wait a bit more rather than sign a major contract, and have backups of whatever you need. (I’m literally backing up my drafts as we speak.) Don’t be afraid of Mercury retrograde because it’s here to help our growth, not to delay it. Ironic, but true!

This year, I was contemplating whether I would starting on posting Tumblr and finally started the day the first Mercury retrograde ended. So, always not a bad thing from the results of retrograde!

#mlqc #love and producer #恋与制作人 #mr love queens choice #mlqc translation #mlqc analysis #mlqc cn #mlqc en #mlqc victor #victor

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quasimyth · 2 years

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It’s so fucking cliché to say that Cyrus was the “younger kid overshadowed by his older sibling and that’s why he has issues” but I mean…That’s where his problem definitely started--though the end result of it may surprise you.

Because let’s face it. He was never viewed to be as good as his sister. Though Cynthia and Cyrus were equals in battle and were perceived as such, Cynthia was always better-liked because she was better looking and had more charisma. I mean, Cyrus isn’t ugly, but he’s like the first in…what…five generations of his family who isn’t stunningly beautiful? Like yeah, that’s gotta hurt, especially when you’re in the spotlight and your sister is known as “the hot one.” And as for charisma, I really don’t see Cyrus as the sort of guy who brings everybody together--not like Cynthia. His method of “bringing people together” as leader of Galactic was preying on their fears and anxieties, but even as a young man, he was completely incapable of working the crowd in a positive manner. And while Volo claimed he loved his two children/descendants equally, Cyrus couldn’t help but think that his dad thought the same way as everybody else, and that’s what caused him to doubt Volo and the whole operation…

But while childhood insecurity may have started him down this path, it sure as hell wasn’t what led him to finish it. See, he used to be a normal person with normal motivations and feelings before his eldritch madness kicked in, and he responded to that madness just as badly as Volo did. Seeing those Truths about his family and about Arceus literally rewired his brain but to an even greater extent than what happened to Volo since he got hit with three traumatic Truths for the price of one. Seeing all of those horrifying things cut him off nearly completely from everything that led him to that point, and whatever vestiges of his past remained, he became determined to burn them.

This manifested in two ways. First off, from the moment he discovered those truths, he had none of his young adult insecurities left because he literally had none of his old feelings left. He just became a completely new person driven only by the Truth that both sides of this war against Arceus were terrible; the only thing left over from his previous self was his love of his sister. But second, when his love for Cynthia was causing him to doubt his objectives, he flipped out and did a spell that removed all of his positive emotions. This was so that he wouldn’t feel anything for anyone and no amount of ~bonds~ could get in his way.

So here he is, an emotional husk of a man, with no idea who he truly was and where he came from, with pure cosmic madness being the only thing that drives him--all because he was caught between two exponentially shitty sides of what should have been a war between good and evil. And now he’s done unspeakable things, things that he can never go back from--things that, had both sides not forced the Truth on him, he would never have done. He was set up to fail by his circumstances, and now he ekes out a terrible existence with all hope of redemption and healing lost. I’ve written many a tragic muse, but Cyrus may be my most tragic one yet.

#headcanon. || CYRUS

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alchemabotana · 3 years

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Horoscopes for New Moon in Cancer July 9th 2021

Horoscopes for the New Moon in Cancer

July 9th 2021

By Antonina “Little Thunder” Whaples

@whaplesantonina

If you find these horoscopes useful, please consider voting for me in the Muscle and Fitness Hers front cover competition for 2021′s Ms. Health and Fitness: https://mshealthandfitness.com/2021/antonina

Digital painting by Antonina Whaples

Still steaming in the energy of the overarching solstice sun rays, this New Moon in cancer will have you blissfully forgetting any of the struggles of the very conflicted Capricorn dominated conversations of the last Full Moon. In the wake and bake of the solstice, our Yang energy gets an overdrive that manifests in contrasting ways. Looking at your focuses on this way down the epic landslide of energy will open up gates of knowledge to understandings about your true identity. With Saturn coming into center with Aquarius soon, and Jupiter hitting retrograde in Aquarius on July 28th, your inner databanks are getting a major makeover Queer Eye style.

Much of this reorganization will center around how we collectively feel about ourselves individually, our responsibilities for our words and actions in our communities, and how we plan to make real-time changes to our “Ways” in order to contribute to grand legacies. Legacies themselves will undergo a transformation of definition. We can thank good old Venus opposing Saturn in Aquarius for this. But, unlike the “tower of babble” moment, the scenarios brought up by this New Moon will have your communication systems recalibrating towards epic achievements of the mind/body/spirit varieties. It’s all about Love, your memories of it, the ways you’ve embodied it, and the sacrifices made for it. Some of those sacrifices are coming full circle, and in the New Moon, this will be mostly felt by the Yin collective consciousness as a major relief. If you’re feeling unbalanced on the 10th, try to focus on activities that bring you comfort and ease your mind. This act may feel like a true moment of spiritual rebellion.

There’s a lot of hope in this moon, cradled by Cancers’ warm and loving waters. The “Home” is pivotal to this Moon’s inherent cleansing cycle, which may bring up dust and twigs swept under the rug. The idea of responsibility for our actions is heightened. We will all be challenged to face our own idiosyncrasies and dualities. This appears to be a long standing theme we’re all checking in and out of repeatedly until Neptune stations direct in Pisces on December 1st 2021. This very slow moving energy feels like a drum out of rhythm with our daily lives. Individually we are learning to tune into deeper vibrations of our own, and tune out wavelengths disruptive to our growth. This moon is a good time to move your body to healing sounds that help you manifest the emotional experiences attached to your not yet manifested dreams, hopes, prayers, and altar work.

Aries:

My fiery frequencies have been running too hot. I find places to release my steam that are quiet, dark, and all my own. Whether in the outside world, or my inner mind palace, I find slices of shade are my delight. I desire a type of self-synergy that can only be activated in the realms of the subconscious, and I make time to rest in the ways that make these new synapses happen. I want to learn and grow, and I’m giving myself the space to honor the eternal internal scholar within myself.

Taurus:

I’ve been typecasting my own archetype for some time, and I’ve realized those imprints have become outdated. I do not fear the revelation of my Cosmic Face to my own self, but rather look forward to the introduction of myself to Myself. I find ways to greet my emerging identity by balancing my time with friends and family. I take the time to meditate on what I am agreeing to when I go along with the herds. I respect my self sovereignty enough to reject projections on my personhood. I take responsibility for my own reflections on others, and these actions allow me to accept myself in any situation. I release all concepts of my empathic or psychic nature as negative, and allow the gifts I have been given to garnish me with life’s abundances.

Gemini:

I’m preparing for my mic drop moment. I’ve been writing bars and aiming for the stars, and I feel it coming. Not sure what, not sure when, but this moon is bringing mojo. I sense the message I was meant to embody is being written deeply inside me by a host of ghosts and ancestors ready to protect my destiny. Things are feeling extra cosmic, and I can almost feel my future touching me from time to time. I let myself enjoy my dreaming time, and this New Moon gives me a place to hide my secret poems and self reflections. There’s a softness coming over me, and I feel comfortable allowing myself to relax into the knowledge that my creative genius isn’t just valuable, it’s real.

Cancer:

The cycle of filling and emptying feels extra powerful under this New Moon. Elevated by this lunation, I use this dark moon to focus on the moments in-between. In this meditation, the world opens up a new concept of Time to me. In this knowledge I am able to reconstruct my psychological leanings away from worst-case-scenario and anxiety -laden secret self conversations. I don’t need to look outside myself for cues from the pack, and I am comfortable asserting my authoritative genius when applicable. This acknowledgement of my self-worth and efficacy gives me awareness that assists my community and gives others much needed moments of Hope & Joy.

Leo:

Things feel saucy in the right ways this new moon. Yin and Yang are focused on balancing my section of the sky’s influences this lunation cycle. Sometimes I feel the tug of my shadow side urging me to use my head AND my heart. Although I feel driven by the power of my heart center, and the emotions of my inner oceans, I find time to stop and ask myself “is this what I really want?”. When I allow myself to acknowledge the influences beckoning me to overspend my creative and sexual resources, I am able to find my personal zen. I discover new secret distractions in the everyday experience of relating and existing in community and friendship. I’m learning to tune my volume to the right settings, and this allows my audience to hear me clearly. Clarity has become increasingly important to me, as discernment makes me feel centered. This moon I use the dark hours to clear my mind, and calm my heart.

Virgo:

The quiet emptying of this New Moon secretly invites me to advocate for my silent needs in ways that feel safe to me. I practice self loyalty regularly, and renew my vows to my internal compass under the protection of the current skies. I know that moments like this aren’t always accessible, so when they are, I congratulate myself for my good luck. Spending time with private projects makes me feel centered and focused in ways that empower me. I use this darkened moon to look at my private world with a gentle eye. I know that my goals are just an echo of desires I’m learning to advocate for. Finding words for my journey helps me understand myself the way I wish to be understood.

Libra:

I am allowing myself to be seen and appreciated by myself. When I take the time to be in relationship with myself, my moods, and my memories, I find a special center. I’m manifesting a reality where my sense of self is solidified and appreciated by myself first and foremost. Through my self manifestation work, I am becoming aware and knowledgeable of the long history and sacrifices of those who came before me. I use this awareness to build gratitude within my heart center for myself and anyone else who shares in my archetype. My focus on self-healing is a radical step in my generational efforts in this timeline. I am an important person, and I tell myself so often.

Scorpio:

I am quietly waiting for new moments to try out my newfound knowledge. I’ve been watching and observing, but now it is my time to act. I take the reins of my destiny, and I do not apologize to the previous carriage driver. I know the power of an apology, which is why I know when one is owed or not. I do not need to struggle with power games that play in the psychopomp of the collective, and am my own sovereign spiritual space. I trust that my future is held in love & beauty and is supported by the generations of ancestors present on all planes. I am using this dark moon to get in touch with my essence and knowledge of my true self.

Sagittarius:

This New Moon I am shedding responsibilities that have become recognizably not-mine. With this awareness has come the revelation of what is mine to control, and what is mine to let go. I accept the blessings of my responsibilities as the reason I am able to hold space for myself in my own life. I do not allow others to speak on my behalf, and use my voice to set the story straight. I use my energy for higher purposes and don’t have space this lunation to be dragged into any conflicts. I use my arrow to draw solid lines in the sand about which energetics I’m willing to play with. I promise myself to treat myself with compassion daily, especially as I outgrow scenarios and scenes that just ain’t me.

Capricorn:

I’m learning how to define karma for myself, and this New Moon is giving me a lot to think about. I understand that if I wish to heal, I must practice kindness towards myself. When I notice the mean monsters arrive in the darkness of night, I use my practical wisdom to ward them off. I’m noticing that fear doesn’t have as much power as I once imagined, and I’ve been slaying small demons like candycrush. This lunation I allow a space for the internal/external conflicts to find a cease-fire, and I find myself enjoying new mental quiet. I’m learning to trust the process of letting go, and this small cycle feels like the period at the end of a sentence.

Aquarius:

The labyrinths of my inner circuit board are asking me if I’ve tried turning it off and turning it back on again. When I consider my own off/on switch, I contemplate who I give access to it. When my triggers are alarming, I respect myself enough to take the time to respond carefully to my own messages. I acknowledge the wiring of the ancient ones, and use the ancient technology of this Moon to allow my power centers to upgrade. My dreamtime is especially sacred to me in these moments, and I use this lunation to discern important inner truths. I do not need to fear when I have premonitions, but instead, refocus that awareness on trusting my own intuition first and foremost.

Pisces:

This New Moon I let out a deep sigh of relief. In the feelings of stuckness and frustration, I’ve discovered hidden patterns of life. As I discover which patterns benefit me the most, I learn to recalibrate my channels to an easier stream. This work opens me to timelines I may not have previously considered when vision-boarding and manifesting dreams. I thank the spiritual abbacus for working out ancient calculations this New Moon. I give gratitude when my supplies are distributed exactly how, where, and when they will make the greatest impact for my ultimate visionings.

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aflyingcontradiction · 3 years

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The Magnus Archives Relisten: Episode 117 - Testament

But Tim isn’t going to sit home and wait, and Elias seems pretty insistent I go along. Part of me thinks it’s just so he can see if whatever this “preparation” he’s been trying to do on me works. - Jon

I guess, yeah, that's part of it and the other part is that he wants to make absolutely sure Jon gets touched by as many powers as he possibly can and sending him right into the lion's den is a good way of doing that, I suppose.

I don’t quite get those two. I suppose what they’ve done, seeing what they’ve seen… it’s a hell of a bond. The sort of thing I’ve mostly done alone.

Ouch. That is a painful realisation right there! (The usual disclaimer of "I'm obviously not talking about the scale of cosmic horror here because duh or for that matter even the scale of massive trauma" but I actually think that realisation is on some level relatable because of the realisation I had multiple times in my life of "I don't really know what a close bond feels like because I've never actually been anywhere close to the best friend of the people I've considered my best friends." Fortunately my luck has shifted somewhat in the "close emotional bonds" department, or at least I hope I'm not kidding myself about that, but the realisation that some people have these fire-forged, ride-or-die relationships and you're just kinda doing your own thing, dipping a finger shallowly into human connection every once in a while and then watching it flow away, is a bit of a twinge.)

And… aside from some, uh, uh, office gossip which I, I’m not sure is necessary or, uh, conducive to a workplace that… hey, it, it, it’s natural it’s, it’s normal.

I love how Jon just goes from deep emotional turmoil to being a bit upset that people are gossipping about whatever may be going on in his love life. Talk about emotional roller coasters!

Oh, yeah, I found something on the other body the circus stole, this “George Icarus.” (...) Jurgen Leitner. I just can’t be rid of him.

Ah, okay, this is where we learn who George Icarus was. Also, the pseudonym is very fitting, I mean, Leitner did, in fact, fly too close to the goddamn sun and subsequently crash and burn when he decided to create a library of fear books, didn't he?

He always said, if you don’t like something, you accept it and you adapt, or you fight and you change it. Whining doesn’t help. I always tried to live like that. But I think sometimes you feel like you’re adapting, but it’s just denial. - Basira

This is definitely something I've experienced myself but it's also definitely something I've seen in some people who like to go on like Basira's dad about stiff-upper-lip-don't-whine-adapt-and-overcome to other people and shame others for expressing their emotional pain. When the cracks finally do start showing up (usually under the influence of alcohol), it's not so much a crack as a full-on explosion.

But at least Daisy’s coming. I mean, I know she’s… difficult. Everything they say about her, it’s true, it’s fair. But, she’s solid. She’s a… a fixed point, and if she’s there, I know exactly where I stand, exactly what I’m doing, relative to her.

It's tragic but also on some level a little bit heartwarming that Basira never actually stops doing things relative to Daisy, even when it takes everything out of her, even when Daisy starts destroying herself.

Still stuck, still miserable, still angry. New traumas, but they hurt just like the old ones. Elias thinks he’s got this ingenious way to hurt people, but it’s just the same old and a creepy new package. Arsehole. God, I just want to rip his – When did I start to lose the parts of me that weren’t just anger? - Melanie

I always have a soft spot for the angry ones, the ones who have to forcibly stop themselves from punching people in the teeth, who have to put every last shred of willpower into keeping a lid on the boiling, hissing, steaming pot that is their inner life. The ones whose willpower sometimes fails them and then they do end up hurting people or themselves because of their anger. And not to go all REPRESENTATION here, but I'm actually glad to see that in TMA that character archetype is basically all women, because the people exploding in violent anger or having to try so fucking hard to keep it in and occasionally failing are usually guys.

They did manifest, but they weren’t what I thought they’d be. They were fused, somehow, all mixed together, a huge angry mass of dead flesh and guns.

I'm kind of glad this isn't a fully-fledged statement because I feel like that sentence, that image, is really all I need and anything further would actually weaken rather than strengthen the horror.

Good luck, Jon. I do hope you win. But I also hope it hurts.

Damn, this episode is so good at summarising characters in a line or two, isn't it?

I, I’m scared, I guess. – no, wait. No, no, I mean, ah, I don’t want that to be my last message, the thing that defines me. “Martin Blackwood, he was always scared, then he died. The end.” I don’t want that. - Martin

I'm a very anxious person and this is INSANELY relatable, this fear that all that's going to be left of you is the things you didn't do because you were terrified. ... Martin, stop making me tear up by being too damn relatable!

I need them to be safe, I need him to be okay.

Aw, Martin!

I mean, it’s not like I’m going to be safe, like my plan’s not dangerous, but it’s, it’s mine. This last couple of years, I’ve always been running, always hiding, caught in someone else’s trap, but, but now it’s my trap, and, well, I think it’ll work. I know, I know it’s not exactly intricate, but it felt good leaving my own little web.

a) This thought process makes perfect sense. Sometimes you just need to express your goddamn agency, even if it's dangerous and even if it's bound to hurt and b) I know the podcast immediately lampshades the "web" thing, but WEB!MARTIN THOUGH! I MEAN! THINK ABOUT IT! That would've been such an amazing plot point and they had it all set up. I mean, he's got a lot of good Lonely-related shit going on later, too, but ... why not both? I do enjoy it when the powers squabble over a character!

I used to blame my brother for going off his own and poking around where he wasn’t wanted. I used to blame myself for not helping him. But now… now it doesn’t matter. I’ve read through enough of these things to know that this doesn’t matter. The only thing you need to have your life destroyed by this stuff is just bad luck. Talk to the wrong person, take the wrong train, open the wrong door, and that’s it! - Tim

I think Tim's view of this is actually very close to the way that TMA handles this. The Entities don't eat you because you deserve it. They just happen to happen to someone. And that makes the horror work so much better than if that wasn't the case. (It also feels closer to how LIFE actually works a lot of the time.) So I find it somewhat odd to see when people do read desert into it, I feel like that weakens the storytelling.

Honestly, I hope that Jon learned something from her because, because I don’t expect I’m going to be coming back from this. I don’t know if I want to. And if he needs to pull the trigger, to use me to stop it… well, he’d better have the guts to do it.

Well. Fuck!

Gerard’s page… Gerry. I-I know there’s more he could tell me – he he, wouldn’t of, of course, I, I know that but he, he… he would still be there, th-that, that knowledge, i-it would, it would still exist…(...) …y-you owe me one, Gerry. Rest in … Just rest. - Jon

Damn, seeing Jon struggle against the instinct to keep knowledge available to himself, seeing how much it literally hurts him and seeing him WIN is sure something. Also ... "Rest in ... just rest." ... make me cry, why don't you?

My impression of this episode

This is not so much horror as it is concentrated emotion and I adore it. I nearly teared up a few times on my relisten (I think I wasn't in quite the right headspace during my first time). The gut punch quotes come thick in this one. This may actually be my favourite plot development episode (as opposed to favourite statements that don't relate directly to the overall plot). The writing is just. so. good.

#tma relisten #the magnus archives

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filthyjanuary · 3 years

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1,3,5,7,9,20,36,77,91 take ur pick i lveo. numbers also sendinggood vibes hope u feel better soon!!!!!!!

wehhhh thank u <3

1. Are you bothered by your cosmic insignificance?

yes absolutely yes, i have existential crises over the meaning of life and existence and my own impact literally every day and it manifests most strongly into my crippling fear of death

3. Do you really think there is somebody for everybody?

like yes and no? i think if you put the effort in and want that type of relationship i think you can find it, but i don't think everyone wants that and thus will put the effort into it. i don't think anyone is like inherently unloveable or whatever though. like if serial killers get sent love letters anything is possible.

5. Do you have to be related to be family?

again yes and no. i think the abstract mushy idealized positive associations of "family" aren't necessarily tied to like... blood/legal relations and your actual family can and often won't give you those feelings, but i'm also annoying as fuck about semantics so even though i love and support the concept of "found family" as envisioned on the internet, you'll never hear me referring to a loving and supportive group of friends/outsiders/misfits who are bonded together as family. bc i think family for better or for worse refers to that exact circumstance of being tied together forever, like it or not. but yes i do think strong friend groups can take the place in your life that your family unit isn't stepping up to the plate for.

7. Are you in love? Do you want to be?

no and yes..... wehhhhh but i'm also like awkward and introverted and never leave my house but also get sick and tired of dating apps very quickly so it's not going to happen. i have feelings for men who are either fictional or will never know i exist and it's very annoying and frankly i blame this dysfunction on being in an all girls school from ages 13-18 it warped me forever.

9. Would you be happy with a life without romance?

i don't knooooow how to answer this one, i'll be real with you buddy. like i want to say yes but i've also literally never HAD a romance so i do have this very idealized version in my head that i know isn't realistic at all. like i know a romance wouldn't fix me but also the movie that plays in my head says YES it would fix me. so like i think as long as i DONT know what it's like and am always wondering.... i'll want to know and thus not be happy.

20. Do you want a grand adventure?

yes but i am also as previously established chickenshit so i don't take risks or initiative so while in THEORY i would like adventure, i would need to be the secondary character following someone else's lead for it to be even plausible.

36. Have you ever met someone who had a very similar personality to your own? Did you get along?

i don't think so? but i also have no idea what kind of person i am like i struggle really hard to conceptualize what other people see or associate with me and so i feel like i would not be able to recognize myself in others.

77. Is there comedy in all tragedy and tragedy in all comedy?

no i don't think so. i think some people can maybe find comedy in tragedy or even tragedy in comedy but i don't think they're concepts that can't be separated from one another.

91. Is hate as strong as love? Who do you hate?

yes i think so and i don't know i think hate requires a certain level of like... emotional investment and i don't think about anyone particular enough to say definitively i hate them. like i guess i hate abstract concepts of types people but i don't actively put any emotional vigour into thinking about them all that much unless they're brought to my attention. all that being said fuck nazis and fuck terfs.

send me numbers

#asks #long post

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societybabylon · 4 years

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Across from her, Harry’s eyes glittered dangerously. He looked tired but wild, like there was something lurking under his skin that only revealed itself in the dark.

It was at that moment that she realized how little she knew him.

“I remember waking up on that day, the day of your birthday,” Harry said, still cast in darkness. “I remember seeing the tattoo for the first time. I was terrified and angry, but I wondered…what if? What if we didn’t deny the bond?”

Lifelong enemies Allie and Harry are devastated when they learn they are soulmates, so they form a pact to never act on their bond. Unfortunately, fate has other plans for them.

[read on ao3 here]

“Do you want to know your fate?”

Allie watched the old man place a crystal ball on the table in front of him. The bauble was unassuming and slightly dirty. Honestly, Allie wouldn’t have been surprised if it were made of plastic. It, like everything else in the cluttered store, looked cheap and fake. But then again, what did she know about the world of psychics? That’s why she was here, after all: she wanted answers about her future.

It was the day before Allie’s thirteenth birthday, and she was at a fortuneteller’s shop. Her friend Becca had insisted they come here to celebrate her impending soulmate reveal. Perhaps, Becca said, they could get a little insight into who she would be paired with.

Allie’s world revolved around soulmates. When two people were ideally matched, an unbreakable soul bond tied the pair together. And two rules applied to all soulmates:

First, the bond was manifested in a tattoo. Everybody had their partner’s name written on their body somewhere. These tattoos didn’t require needles or ink; they showed up on their own, as if by magic.

Second, the tattooed names didn’t appear until the thirteenth birthday of the younger person in each couple. On that day, both soulmates would wake up to find themselves marked with their other half’s name.

Assuming Allie’s soulmate was older than she was, there was only one day left until she learned who she was bonded to.

Allie gazed at the crystal ball. Behind the fortuneteller, a pink neon sign buzzed an electric tune. The lights cast a dim glow throughout the small store.

The psychic seemed over-the-top to her, not that she would ever tell Becca that. The man sitting across from her seemed more like a crackpot than a sage. His greasy hair hung in his face, so long that it nearly obscured his eyes. He reeked of licorice and burnt lavender. But they had already paid the man his fee, so they might as well hear what predictions he could conjure up for them.

“Do you want to know your fate?” he repeated. “Once you learn it, you can’t go back.”

“Yes,” Allie said. “I’m ready.”

The fortuneteller muttered a few unintelligible words and stared deeply into the crystal ball. “Hmm...it’s foggy, but some images are starting to come into focus. Ah, yes. I can see it now.”

To Allie, the crystal ball looked exactly as it did before.

“I see money stained with blood. Tears and white bedsheets. Two bodies, submerged in water. A cellphone is ringing, but no one is picking up.”

“Okay,” Allie tried to figure out how to respond to this prophecy. She wasn’t sure what she had been expecting, but she certainly hadn’t thought he would list such unpleasant images. “But what does that mean?”

“These images foretell rejection and denial. You will learn who your soulmate is tomorrow, but you will be unhappy when you learn who you have been paired with. This bond will confuse you and bring you unhappiness. Yes, I definitely sense rejection and denial.”

Allie was stunned. “Do you see anything else? Like, happiness and love, maybe?”

“I cannot see specifics,” he responded with contempt. “That is not how my gift works.”

Of course the fraud fortuneteller wouldn’t be able to see specifics. She had shelled out good money for him to ruin her day. She protested, “But—”

The man cut her off with a dismissive wave. “Do not disrespect my craft. Just because you demand answers of me doesn’t mean that I’ll give them to you. I only see what the universe shows me.”

Allie glanced back at the crystal ball, which was still maddeningly clear. There were no bloodied dollar bills, no ringing cellphones. The fortuneteller could have invented any story he wanted. He could have reported that he had seen her in a happy relationship and with a successful career. And yet he deliberately chose to give her a bad fortune.

“You must see something good in the crystal ball, right?” Becca murmured. She had been quietly listening in on the conversation between Allie and the psychic for the last fifteen minutes, mostly content to observe. “I mean, it can’t all be bad.”

“Actually, it can,” the man snapped. “I do not control your future. I merely pass on the messages that the universe sends me.”

“So you’re saying that rejection is my fate, and there’s nothing I can do to change that?” Allie said.

The man nodded eagerly, as if glad that she was finally catching on. “Precisely.”

“And why should I believe that?” Allie usually wasn’t so confrontational, especially with adults, but this fortuneteller was an exception. What did he know about her soulmate? Nothing.

The man scrutinized her frowning face. His lips went thin with irritation. “I think we are done here. I’ve told you what I saw. It’s not my problem if you don’t like the truth.”

Allie nearly scoffed. He read tea leaves and tarot cards for a living. He probably got pleasure out of ruining his customers’ days. Staring into a crystal ball and mumbling about dark visions wasn’t the truth, it was a cruel joke.

At least, she hoped it was a joke. There was a part of her (a part she tried to ignore) that worried that his predictions might come to pass. She pictured the images the man had mentioned—blood, tears, bodies in water—and she saw death. She shivered at the thought.

“Thanks for the crystal ball reading,” Becca cut in before Allie could offend the fortuneteller even more. “Well, we should probably go. My mom’s waiting for us outside.”

The fortuneteller wasn’t even listening. His attention had strayed to a stained, crumpled box of cigarettes that sat by his side. He picked one cigarette from the pack and sparked it with a pink lighter from his pocket.

Allie felt anger on her tongue, ready to be sharpened into spiteful words, but she could see that Becca was anxious to leave. She smothered her fury for her friend’s sake. “Yeah, thanks for the fortune.”

She stood up and walked out of the store with Becca. As the wooden door swung shut behind her, she turned around to give the fortuneteller one last glance. Thick smoke swirled around his head. His eyes were closed as if he had already forgotten that they were there.

What did a man like that know about her fate?

The next day, Allie woke up at five in the morning. She was too giddy to go back to sleep. Despite how horribly the visit to the fortuneteller had gone, she was still excited by the potential of finding out who she was bonded to. She’d been waiting her entire life to see her soulmate’s name tattooed on her.

She checked her wrists, a common spot for soulmate marks. They were blank. Her arms and legs, too, were bare. In fact, every visible inch of skin was unmarked.

Don’t worry, she reminded herself. It’s probably just hidden under some clothing.

She lifted the edge of her pajama shirt and walked to her mirror to get a closer look at herself. As she scanned over the planes of her stomach and saw more blank skin, she felt growing disappointment. It seemed that she hadn’t gotten her tattoo after all. Her soulmate was probably younger than she was, which meant she would have to wait until his thirteenth birthday to find out who he was.

But then she spotted a scribble of black near her waist. The writing was scrawled across her left hipbone in messy, boyish letters. She bent down to get a closer look at the words.

Harry Bingham.

She gasped.

Harry Bingham? No, it wasn’t possible. Harry had been her sister’s sworn enemy since preschool, which meant that by default, she and Harry were also enemies. Almost every time they had a conversation (a misfortune she did her best to avoid), he was arrogant and entitled and cruel.

“No, no, no,” Allie said to herself. “This can’t be real.”

She paced her room, trying to rationalize why she was paired with Harry. She and Harry were nothing alike. It should have been impossible for them to be soulmates.

Maybe this was some sort of cosmic joke, or the universe’s revenge for the times she’d been a bad person. Or maybe, while she had been sleeping, her sister decided to write Harry’s name on her as a prank. All those explanations were more logical than the thought that she might actually soulmates with Harry Bingham.

“This can’t be real,” she repeated.

But the ink was underneath her skin. As much as she wished that she could blink and watch the tattoo vanish before her eyes, she knew the mark was permanent. It would stay on her body forever, reminding her of the boy she’d been chained to.

When she took her shower later that morning, Allie tried, in a half-crazed stupor, to wash the name from her body. She scrubbed with her loofa until her skin was raw and red. But Harry’s name was still printed on her hipbone.

After the shower, Allie dressed hastily, as if covering the mark would mean that it no longer existed. She even considered stealing a bottle of concealer from her sister’s room and smearing the makeup over her hip, but she feared that Cassandra would catch her in the act. Her mind was racing for solutions, and yet she was paralyzed by inaction.

She curled up on her covers, her hair still damp. She was too stunned to cry. Instead, she just stared at the walls, trying to decode the mess she had landed in.

By ten, Allie knew she could not hide in her room any longer. She crept downstairs to the kitchen, where her dad was flipping pancakes and humming along to a pop song. Cassandra and her mom were setting the table for breakfast. They had even put out a vase filled with her favorite peonies.

“Morning, birthday girl,” her mom said.

“Morning,” Allie replied, faking a grin. Her lower lip trembled from her anxiety.

“I’m surprised you woke up late,” her dad said. “I remember waking up at the crack of dawn on my thirteenth birthday. I was so anxious I almost got sick. And then it turned out that there wasn’t even a tattoo on me!”

“Sorry, dad, but even my birthday isn’t enough to get me to wake up early.” Lie.

“You ready for breakfast?”

“Of course.” Another lie. Truthfully, she was terrified. She knew her family would use breakfast as an opportunity to spring the dreaded question: do you know who your soulmate is?

Her dad plated the golden pancakes and coated them with pats of butter and gooey, sugary syrup. He brought the food to the table, and they all sat down to eat.

Allie shoved pieces of pancake into her mouth as if she were Joey Chestnut on steroids. She hoped that if her cheeks were stuffed with food, her family would let her eat her breakfast in peace instead of poking her for information.

Across from Allie, Cassandra was only on her second bite of breakfast. She had cut her pancakes into delicate, precise slices and had taken care to ensure the syrup was evenly distributed. Even when taking sips from her orange juice, she was polished.

Perfect Cassandra, Allie thought. She would never be bound to someone as awful as Harry.

“I remember my thirteenth birthday,” Allie’s mom said in between bites of pancake, seemingly clueless to the turmoil tearing her daughter apart. “I woke up and saw your dad’s name on the inside of my arm. But I had no clue who he was! Your generation is lucky to have the internet. You can Google your soulmate’s name and immediately find out who they are. We were in the dark about our soulmates until we met them in person.”

“Unless you knew your soulmate before you turned thirteen,” Cassandra pointed out. “Like, if you were paired up with someone that went to elementary school with you. Then you wouldn’t need the internet to help find them.”

Allie almost choked on her juice. That comment was uncomfortably close to her reality.

“I suppose that’s true,” her mom said. “That’s very rare, though. Your dad and I met when we were twenty-two, and we met earlier than most.”

“Well, I think it’s better not to use the internet to find your soulmate,” Cassandra declared. She said this frequently, especially when she was asked why she didn’t have social media. “I think you should meet your soulmate naturally, as you were supposed to.”

“So, Allie,” her mom turned to look at her. “Do you have any news for us yet?”

Allie went red. This conversation felt intensely wrong. Worse than the “sex talk” her parents had given her when she was eight. Although she had never considered it before, she wondered why her family felt like they were entitled to this information about her body and her future. Their society had bought into the idea that everyone should wear their soulmate tattoos like a badge of honor—but shouldn’t people be allowed to keep this information private?

Allie was ashamed of her mark. She didn’t want to admit that she had been paired with West Ham’s most obnoxious idiot.

“I don’t have a tattoo yet,” Allie lied, desperately hoping that her family would buy her act. “Guess he must be younger than me.”

“Oh,” her mom said, clearly a little surprised. Her mom and her dad shared a look. “Well, that’s okay, honey. I’m sure you’ll find out who he is soon enough. Your thirteenth birthday doesn’t have to be all about finding your soulmate. You’re so young! You can worry about that later. Today’s still going to be a great day. ”

Allie almost laughed. Her parents thought she would be upset because she hadn’t gotten her tattoo. If they knew the truth...

“Yeah,” Allie said, grateful that her family didn’t prod further. And then she told her greatest lie of the morning. “I don’t really care about soulmates, anyway.”

After breakfast, while her parents washed the dishes, Allie went back to hiding in her bedroom. She buried her head in the covers of her bed and let her emotions swallow her.

Harry Bingham, she thought again. How on Earth could I have been paired with Harry Bingham? We’re nothing alike.

She startled at the sound of her door swinging open. It was her sister. Cassandra wore a small, close-lipped smile that set Allie’s nerves on fire. Allie realized immediately that despite escaping the breakfast interrogation, she hadn’t escaped her sister.

Cassandra sat down on the bed.

“You know you can knock, right?” Allie asked sharply.

“Sorry,” Cassandra said, entirely unapologetic. “So, who is it?”

It was unlike Cassandra to be so upfront. Usually, she was the more reserved one, always telling Allie to calm down or be more patient.

“It’s nobody. I told you, I didn’t find a tattoo on my body.”

“I know you’re lying,” Cassandra said. “I can hear it in your voice. You can fool mom and dad, but you can’t fool me.”

Anxiety shot through Allie. She thought that her performance at breakfast was Oscar-worthy, but as always, Cassandra saw through her lies. “I don’t want to tell you, okay? It’s none of your business.”

“I told you the second I found out who mine was.” Cassandra emphasized her point by sticking her wrist, which was encircled with blank ink, in Allie’s face.

Allie could feel her panic growing. Her sister had a point, but Allie couldn’t possibly tell her the truth. How could she?

Allie imagined speaking Harry’s name aloud. She pictured her sister’s reaction, her mouth gaping wide and her eyebrows raised in shock. Cassandra would stutter out a kind response. She would try to make her congratulations sound convincing. Yet no matter what was said, they would both know the truth: Cassandra hated Harry, truly hated him. And that would never change.

No, Allie could not tell the truth.

“Just tell me.” Cassandra pushed. “I’m your sister. You can trust me.”

Allie’s eyes filled with stinging tears. “I do trust you, I promise. But I can’t tell you. Please, Cassandra, please just take my word for it. Please.”

Her sister looked bewildered. Allie knew Cassandra had never seen her beg like this before.

“Fine.” Allie could hear the hurt in her sister’s voice. “You have to tell me one day, though. A soulmate’s not the kind of secret you can hide forever.”

Maybe not, Allie thought. But I can try.

When Allie arrived at school the next day, she was determined to corner Harry and confront him about the tattoo.

As it turned out, she didn’t need to search for him. While she was walking down the hallway, a hand grabbed her arm and pulled her behind the lockers into a tight nook. It was Harry. Anger blazed in his eyes. He held up a cautious finger to his lips, shushing her. “Don’t say a word.”

Allie nodded. He stared at her suspiciously, as if he was worried that she would start screaming.

“I think you probably know why I wanted to talk. I’m guessing it was your thirteenth birthday yesterday, Pressman. I don’t know what else could explain the tattoo I woke up with. And to think that I thought I would have a soulmate I liked.” The bitterness in his voice was unmistakable. “You probably prayed every night that you would end up with someone like me, huh?”

He was infuriating. She couldn’t believe that he had the audacity to think that she would ever be interested in him.

“You think you’re so special, don’t you?” Allie said. “Harry, you’re pretty much the last person I’d want to be bonded to.”

“Believe me, the feeling is mutual. You think I want to be part of your shitty family?”

That was one step too far. She was half considering throwing a punch at him. She could do it if she wanted; in this nook, they were hidden from the eyes of their teachers and classmates.

“You’re an asshole,” she spat.

“Bitch.”

Allie wished she could vaporize him on the spot. How could she have been chained to such a callous jerk?

She thought of clever retorts she could say to him, insults that would permanently puncture his inflated pride. Though Cassandra was usually in the spotlight for her intelligence, no one could beat Allie’s wit. She could trade barbs with the best.

Allie considered those rumors that she had overheard about his parents’ loveless marriage. Yes, that would be a fertile site for insults.

She opened her mouth, prepared to escalate the argument. But she stopped herself before she could say anything.

What good would fighting with Harry do? At the end of the day, she would still have his name written on her hip.

Looking at him, she found that he, too, appeared to be at a loss for words. Though he still wore an angry sneer, his eyes were sad. It seemed that they both came to the same realization: they could hurl nasty words at each other for hours, but it wouldn’t fix their situation. If they wanted to overcome their bond, they’d have to work together.

“We’re stuck with each other until we die, aren’t we?” Harry let out a deep sigh. His furious mask cracked, and Allie glimpsed genuine misery and anxiety on his face.

For a moment, neither of them said anything.

Then, a brilliant thought struck Allie. She couldn’t believe she hadn’t thought of it before. “We don’t have to be stuck with each other. There are plenty of soulmates who reject the bond.”

“I guess.” Harry scrutinized her. She could tell he was considering her suggestion. “But how would we make sure that we’ve rejected it permanently? I wouldn’t want you falling in love with me five years from now, Pressman.”

Allie rolled her eyes. “Harry, it’s us. There’s literally no way we’re ever going to be friends, much less…well, you know.”

He nodded. “Okay. So what are you thinking?”

In her mind, a plan started to fall into place. A simple, perfect plan. “We both have to promise that we’ll never speak of this…this bond to anyone else. Ever. We have to keep it a secret until the day we die.”

“Like a pact?” Harry asked.

“Yes, a pact. Except a pact isn’t enough. We have to do more than that. Before we turn twenty, we both have to agree to get our marks covered up.”

Harry seemed much less certain about this suggestion. Covering up soulmate tattoos was technically illegal. Most tattoo artists outright refused to do it, and those who were caught in the act could face up to a year in jail time. Eventually, however, he conceded, “Okay, fine. I can agree to that. But you need to swear on your life that you’re going to get yours covered up, too. This is a two-way street, Pressman. If I’m going to jail, so are you.”

“I swear on my life I’ll...,” Allie paused, considering her words. “You know, I feel like we should have some official pledge or something. For example, I, Allie Pressman, swear on my life that I will never mention that my soulmate is Harry Bingham. I will do everything in my power to keep my tattoo hidden.”

Harry snorted. “Who do you think you are? The queen? Let’s just shake on it and call it a day.”

Allie glared at him. “Just say the damn words, will you?”

“Fine. I, Harry Bingham, swear on my life that I will never mention my soulmate is Allie Pressman. I will do everything I can to keep my tattoo hidden. Yada yada yada, you get the gist. Can I go now?”

“Correct me if I’m wrong, but you were the one who pulled me behind these lockers in the first place.”

“Touché.”

Just like that, it was settled. Their soulmate marks were a secret that they alone would keep. And they would never, ever act on their bond.

For two years after that, neither Harry nor Allie spoke about the curse they shared. They didn’t interact in the hallway or the classroom. They both pretended that the other didn’t exist, and they were both happy with this arrangement.

While her classmates celebrated their budding relationships or dreamed of the day they met their other half, Allie fantasized about getting a new, large tattoo to cover up the one on her hip. She was fifteen now; there were only a few more years until she could write Harry off as a memory.

Sometimes, she heard murmurs about him in the hallway. Sometimes, it seemed all of West Ham High School wanted to know his soulmate’s identity. Between his looks and his wealth, Harry was considered an ideal match. But no one was ever able to discover whose name was on his body.

Harry was hardly a factor in her life, much less her soulmate. He was a problem that she had solved, and she was content to let him stay that way.

Mid-October during her sophomore year of high school, Allie planned a trip to Manhattan. Her aunt, who lived in Virginia, was having a weekend getaway to the city, and she had invited both Allie and Cassandra to join for the last day of her vacation.

A week before the trip, Allie reminded Cassandra (who was swamped with homework as always) about their aunt’s visit. “Do you want to come?”

“What day are you going?” her sister replied.

“This Sunday.”

Cassandra frowned. “I can’t. I have to study for a math test that day. My grade is on the edge right now, and if I do poorly on the exam, I’ll get a B+ in the class. I can’t risk it. Trust me, I would go if I could.”

Allie understood. She knew her sister wanted to go to Yale, and she had seen the statistics. The admissions rate was around six percent. Even for the best of students, Yale was a reach. Allie was a bit sad—the city was always more fun with Cassandra by her side—but she wasn’t a child anymore, and she didn’t need her sister to accompany her everywhere.

“It’s no problem,” Allie reassured. “Just let me know if there’s anything that you want me to buy for you while I’m down there.”

Allie went to the city alone, bringing only her black purse and her cell phone with her. She arrived at Penn Station in the early morning. Aunt Carly, decked out in her characteristic prints and bold colors, was waiting for her.

“Allie!” her aunt hollered. Her obnoxiously bright orange-red lip gloss matched the color of her handbag perfectly. “It’s been so long since I last saw you. You look taller—have you grown?”

Allie gave her aunt a tight hug and laughed. “Since August? No, I don’t think so. Same height as always.”

“Any boys?” Her aunt asked with a wink.

Allie’s chest tightened. She hated that question, truly hated it. “Nope, no one yet. But I’m happy being single.”

Luckily, Aunt Carly dropped the subject, and moved on to talking about a list of all the clothes and books and trinkets the two of them would be splurging on throughout the day. There was no budget, it seemed; Aunt Carly acted as though her pockets were bottomless.

They spent the first part of the day shopping on Fifth Avenue and hopping into trendy boutiques. Aunt Carly bought dozens of clothes with dizzyingly high prices. By the time they went to eat lunch, her aunt had seven large shopping bags in her arms. Allie was more frugal; she had bought one bag’s worth of clothes.

After lunch, they spent their time exploring Manhattan. They meandered through the streets, grabbing snacks in between people watching. Allie loved the vibrancy and anonymity of urban life. Here, she shed the labels that followed her in West Ham.

After ending the day with burgers and fries at the Shake Shack in Grand Central Station, her aunt prepared to board her train back to Virginia. Her tiny frame was dwarfed by the assortment of large bags and suitcases she carried with her.

“Are you sure you’ll be okay walking back to Penn Station?” Aunt Carly asked. “I wish we had arranged a train for you from here. The walk is so far.”

“I’ll be fine,” Allie promised. “You don’t need to worry about me.”

“Actually, you know what?” Aunt Carly pulled her green wallet out of her purse and grabbed a couple of twenty-dollar bills from its folds. “I just don’t feel comfortable with you walking all that way. Take this money and take a cab. Please, do it for my peace of mind. I would feel much safer if you did.”

“Okay, I will,” Allie said, knowing full well that she was lying. “Have a safe trip home!”

Allie watched as her aunt took her bags and boarded the train. As soon as Carly was out of sight, she pocketed the money for herself. That money could be useful for another day. And, she thought, there was something kind of peaceful about a solitary night walk.

She left Grand Central and pulled up the directions to Penn Station on her phone. It was dark outside, but the way was straightforward enough, so she put away the phone and let herself fully absorb the city. She was mesmerized by the myriad of people who surrounded her. It was truly electric.

Allie peered into clubs where the night was only beginning, and where men and women knocked back liquor like it was water. She walked by a row of cramped food trucks, where the heavy scent of spices soaked in through her lungs and warmed her to the core. Compared to West Ham, New York City might as well have been another planet—a wondrous, delightful alien world.

She must have taken a wrong turn, because she realized she had walked halfway down an alleyway she didn’t recognize. The near-omnipresent city crowd had disappeared. The only sounds were the quiet hum of cars on busy streets and the plinking sound of water dripping from a drainpipe onto the street.

Allie suddenly felt very, very small.

She couldn’t have gone too far from a main street. So she told herself that she shouldn’t be worrying, really. All she had to do was walk through to the other end of the alley. Once she was back on a major road, she could pull out her phone again and check for directions.

Allie walked down the narrow street, thinking, for the first time, that maybe she should have taken that cab after all. In polluted Manhattan, there were no stars to light her way. The drainpipe’s dripping water drummed an eerie rhythm—plink, plink, plink.

Behind her, slow footsteps made squishing sounds on the wet pavement. She glanced over her shoulder quickly. It was a man, tall and blonde, strolling nonchalantly toward her. He seemed to have emerged fully formed from shadow. His eyes traced over her with feigned disinterest, only to light up when he set his sights on her purse and shopping bag.

She picked up her pace. The footsteps behind her sped up to match her strides.

That couldn’t be a coincidence. A host of horrible nightmares burst into her head. Assault, murder, robbery...

She needed to walk faster.

Allie started scurrying down the street.

So did he.

When Allie glanced over her shoulder again, she could see the man closing in on her. Terrified, she broke into a sprint. But just as before, he mirrored her actions, and from the sound of it, he was a faster runner than she.

A cold hand wrapped around her wrist and yanked her back mid-run. Allie tripped and went tumbling to the ground. The palm of her left hand scraped across gritty gravel, tearing her skin open. Blood oozed out from the cut and dribbled onto the street.

Allie stared up at the man with wide, stunned eyes. He whipped out a black glock from the pocket of his oversized jacket. His hands shook as if he had never pointed a killing weapon at another person before. Up close, he looked young, perhaps only one or two years older than her.

Adrenaline jolted through her body, waking her up from her dreamy wandering. The pain of her injury receded as she focused on the weapon in front of her. This could be life or death, she realized. She had taken one wrong turn and ended up against the barrel of a gun.

“Give me your bags,” the man demanded.

“What?”

“Did I fucking stutter?” And indeed, though his hands shook, his voice was calm.

The man jerked his gun in the direction of her purse and shopping bag as if his threat hadn’t been clear enough.

“Okay, okay,” Allie said in rushed breaths.

She took off her bags with her wounded hand and held them out to him. She stifled a cry as her purse’s handle bit into her skin. Her blood smeared over the metal, streaking it with red.

In a swift move, he snatched her belongings from her fingers. It amazed her how deftly he could move while still managing to point his gun at her.

He quickly pulled her wallet out of her purse and rifled through paper bills quickly, including the money that her aunt had given her for a taxi. In the dim light of the alley, she could see her blood glistening on his fingertips, marking up every paper bill he touched.

He shut the wallet with a snap. His eyes darted nervously to each side of the alleyway, presumably checking to ensure no one had seen him rob her.

“Now, close your eyes and count to thirty,” he ordered. For added intimidation, he waved his gun at her again. “And count slowly.”

Allie nearly whimpered with fear, but did as he said. She let her vision go dark. Without her sight, she couldn’t help but imagine his finger on the trigger, ready to kill her. She wasn’t putting up a fight. It would be an easy crime.

“One. Two. Three…” she counted.

But the shot never came. She heard the muffled thunk of fabric meeting heavy plastic, and then the squish of his feet as he sprinted down the alleyway. In seconds, she could no longer hear him at all. The city had swallowed him up. She was alone again.

Allie opened her eyes and slowly rose from the ground. She winced as she plucked jagged pieces of gravel from her hands. She could still feel cold fear curling in her chest, although that emotion was quickly being replaced by the panicked realization that she had just lost her money and her ticket back home.

She was lucky about one thing: he hadn’t asked her to empty her pockets. Her phone was still tucked snuggly in the back pocket of her jeans.

Allie dialed Cassandra’s number. It was past midnight, so there was a high likelihood that her sister would already be asleep, especially since she had a test the next day. Her parents, notorious for going to bed early, would certainly already have dozed off.

The line rang and rang, but Cassandra didn’t pick up. Then: Hi, you’ve reached Cassandra Pressman. Leave a message and I’ll call you back as soon as I can.

Since her sister’s phone had gone straight to voicemail, she would have to rely on someone else. She went through her contact list one by one, praying that at least one of her friends would pick up. Will, Becca, Gordie, Bean: none of them answered her calls.

The blood on her left hand had started to clot. Her cell was rapidly running out of battery. She needed someone to pick up.

She scrolled through her contacts again, calling people she barely knew. She even called Elle Tomkins, who she had spoken maybe a total of three words to. Over and over, she was met with disappointment when no one picked up.

Allie was quickly running out of options when she came across a person she had tried to push to the corners of her mind. Her finger hovered over his name in her contact list.

Harry Bingham.

It seemed wrong to call him. Wrong, when he was constantly at Cassandra’s throat. Wrong, when they had done everything possible to ignore each other since she turned thirteen.

You know what? Allie thought to herself. Fuck it.

Before she could stop herself, she called him.

He picked up on the second ring. “Hello?” His voice was thick with sleep.

“Hey. It’s Allie.”

“Yeah, I know. It’s the twenty-first century. I have caller I.D. What do you want?”

Ugh. Though his rudeness was no surprise, it still irked her. But at this point, it seemed like he was her only hope, so she tried to suppress her irritation. “Can I ask you a favor? I know it’s a lot to ask, but I have no one else to turn to and I’m scared and I don’t know what else to do.”

“Shit, Allie. Just spit it out.”

“I’m stuck in New York City. A man mugged me and took all my money and my ticket back home. I wouldn’t have called you, except I’ve already tried my family and all my friends. Can you come get me?”

There was a long pause on the other end of the line. In her head, she pictured him lying in bed, half-asleep and sneering at her. She imagined that he was hovering his finger over the red button on his phone, ready to end the call at any moment. Knowing Harry, he would probably hang up on her and go right back to sleep, and in the morning he’d forget that she’d ever called him.

“Hello?” she said, breaking the silence. “Harry? Are you still there?”

“Yeah, I’m still here.” He sighed. “You’re going to owe me for this, Pressman.”

Relief rushed over her. “So you’ll do it?”

“Yeah, I will. Might be a couple of hours before I can get to you, though. I’m going to have to take an Amtrak or something, because my dad will get pissed if I start racking up miles on my car.” The trains from West Ham to Penn Station took an hour and a half minimum, and since fewer trains ran at night, the next train to the city probably wouldn’t be for a while. “Do you have somewhere safe to stay until then?”

“Um, I was just planning on waiting around at the train station.”

“Jesus Christ.” He cursed under his breath. “You so owe me for this. Alright, walk to the Waterwhite Hotel. It’s only two blocks from the station. Tell the person at the front desk that you’re a friend of the Bingham family. They’ll let you wait in the lobby until I show up.”

A cool rush of relief flooded her. “Harry? Thank you so much.”

“Don’t mention it. Like, seriously. Don’t mention this to anyone.”

Harry arrived at the Waterwhite a little over two hours later. His shirt was rumpled and he looked like he desperately needed two shots of espresso. Allie had never seen him look so disheveled. He must have come immediately after she called him.

Allie was waiting for him on a modern, dark blue couch in the hotel lobby. She watched as he walked over to the tall brunette working the reception desk. He smiled and said something to the woman. Her previously bored expression turned happy, and she pointed to where Allie was sitting. Allie could see him thanking her with one of his classic Bingham smiles before walking over to where she was waiting. Even bedraggled, he still somehow managed to charm.

“Let’s get out of here,” he said. If he noticed her state of distress—her grimy shoes, her still-bloody hand, her tired red eyes—he did not comment on it.

She nodded. “Thank you, again, Harry. I don’t know what I’d do if you weren’t here.”

He didn’t respond. They walked to the train station in near silence. The clacking of her shoes on the pavement was the only sound either of them made on the way there.

When they reached Penn Station, Harry paid for her Amtrak ticket back to West Ham in cash. This, too, was a near-wordless exchange. She thanked him. He merely grunted in response.

After waiting for thirty minutes, their train arrived. Unlike most trains out of the city, this one was near empty, occupied only by sleep-deprived workers commuting to their morning shift and a few odd stragglers.

Allie slid into a seat near the front of a car. Rather than sliding into the seat next to her, Harry spread himself out on the row of seats across from her. He rested his back against the window, stretched his legs across the seats, and let his feet dangle into the aisle.

Allie pulled out her phone to check the time. 3:23 a.m. was etched in glowing lights.

The train rolled to a start. Harry closed his eyes and slouched in his seat as if he hoped to resume the sleep he had been enjoying before she had called. When he stretched his arms behind his head, his shirt rose to expose a sliver of skin by his hip.

She could see the start of her name, inked on him in her penmanship. Allie Pressman. She had never seen it before. It pained her to look at it, although there was an almost beautiful quality to the tattoo. Unlike tattoos done by hand, a soulmate mark would never fade or need touch-ups.

He dropped his arms. The tattoo vanished under a cascade of black fabric.

“Show me yours and I’ll show you mine.” He was looking at her with half-shut eyes. So, he’d caught her staring after all.

Maybe it was sheer curiosity, or maybe her tiredness had made her weak, but she wanted to see those words on his skin.

Without responding, Allie lifted the edge of her top and nudged down one side of her jeans so that his name was fully revealed. The tattoo was the same as always, stark black ink against pale skin. It felt strange to have her mark exposed to the world. No one had ever seen it but her.

Harry followed her lead. He lifted the edge of his shirt, showing his tattoo to her once more. This time, she could see the entirety of her signature, like a claiming brand on a boy who despised her.

They sat in silence, examining each other’s inked skin with fascination.

“It’s weird, isn’t it? Seeing your name on someone else’s body,” she said.

“Yeah, very weird.” Harry tore his eyes away from her skin. Then, with a wry smirk, he said, “Almost as weird as having to cross state lines at three in the morning to pick up your enemy’s little sister.”

“Why did you help me?” she asked, genuinely curious.

He looked surprised at her question. “Allie, I know what you and your sister think of me, but I’m not a bad person. I wasn’t going to leave you stranded in New York.”

Allie didn’t quite know what to say to that. Harry was right—she and Cassandra thought he was all West Ham’s worst traits distilled into one human being. Could it really be that after years of hating him, he was worth redeeming?

The train swayed hypnotically on the tracks. The cabin was quiet except for a man snoring three rows away from them. She and Harry stared at each other silently, truly seeing each other for the first time.

He seemed different in this setting, she noticed. Away from his callous friends and his detached parents, he seemed lost and sad and beautiful and kind.

“I don’t think you’re a bad person,” she finally said.

He raised an eyebrow. “Really? And what exactly do you think of me? I know you don’t like me, so don’t even try to deny it.”

Allie rolled her eyes at him. “I don’t know, Harry. I think you’re richer than I’ll ever be. I think you’re smart but overconfident. If I’m being completely honest, I don’t think about you much at all.”

Harry smiled at her. Had she ever gotten a genuine smile from him before? She didn’t think so. She was used to his cold glares and bitter frowns, so this unfamiliar expression sent a shock of warmth through her.

“Don’t think about me at all, huh?” he said. “I’m hurt. Here I was, thinking I’d been in your dreams since thirteen.”

“Haunting my nightmares, maybe,” she retorted.

“Ouch.” He turned away from her to look out the window.

Guilt flared up in Allie, although she wasn’t quite sure why. “As if you care what I think of you.”

He turned back to face her. He wasn’t smiling anymore. “Why would you think I don’t care?” He sounded surprisingly genuine, completely dropping the teasing tone he’d previously used with her.

Allie suddenly felt anxious. She was trapped on a train with Harry Bingham, and he kept subverting her expectations. Without the judgment of West Ham hanging over her head, she didn’t know how to behave around him.

“Oh, I don’t know,” she said. “Maybe I think that because of a conversation from many years ago, when we both agreed to pretend that there was nothing between us.”

The train’s fluorescent lights flickered out above them. For a moment, they were plunged into the dark. The only light was the blue glow of the city outside, which bounced brilliantly off Allie’s white sneakers.

Across from her, Harry’s eyes glittered dangerously. He looked tired but wild, like there was something lurking under his skin that only revealed itself in the dark.

It was at that moment that she realized how little she knew him.

Allie could feel her whole body tense up with renewed stress. She was grateful that the lights had gone out—hopefully, he couldn’t see her blushing.

Why was he divulging this to her?

Harry laughed. The sound was sharp. When he spoke again, his voice was newly guarded. “I never wanted to be bonded with you. I still don’t. But when I look at the ink on my skin, I think of you. Always. So yes, Pressman, I do care what you think of me.”

The train’s lights startled back on. In the full light, Harry studied her for one more moment. His gaze was so intense it felt like it was burning her. She searched for the words to respond to him, but they kept getting stuck on the way to her tongue.

Before she could come up with anything, he pulled a pair of earbuds from his pocket and shoved them in his ears. He closed his eyes, too, blocking out the sight of her. And just like that, he was back to ignoring her.

They arrived at the West Ham train station at five in the morning. The sun had not yet risen, and the dark sky was speckled with tiny stars. Just a short train ride had separated her from the everlasting citylight of New York. Her shopping spree and mugging almost felt as if they were figments of her imagination, although her scraped hands and the missing weight of her purse were painful reminders that the past twenty-four hours had been real.

“Need a ride home?” Harry asked.

“If you don’t mind.” She felt guilty for asking so much of him. She hadn’t even expected him to answer her call, and he had ended up coming all the way to New York to get her.

“It’s whatever,” he said. He rubbed his tired eyes and took out the keys to his Maserati.

Harry had parked next to the station. They got into the car like phantoms, sucked of all their energy.

Five minutes later, they turned onto Allie’s street. Harry made sure to pull over three houses before hers. That way, her family wouldn’t hear the purr of his engine or see her coming from his car.

“This is just between you and me, right?” Allie asked. “Just like before?”

Harry jerked his chin in response—a drowsy, clumsy attempt at a nod, she assumed. After a beat, he said, “Right. Just like before.”

There was nothing left for her to say to him. So she just said thanks, and then she exited the car.

He zoomed off the second her door shut behind her. As she watched the silhouette of his Maserati drive out of sight, she was struck once more by what a wild night it had been. She had been saved by her worst enemy. She had sat by him on an old train and in a luxury vehicle. She had shown her mark to him. How out of character—perhaps she had been seized by a bout of insanity after she was mugged.

She was thankful for his help. She was also ready to go back to forgetting that Harry even existed. With any luck, their relationship would return to the exact state it had been in before: nonexistent.

#harry bingham #allie pressman #the society #harry x allie #hallie #it took SO LONG (I'm sorry) but part 1 is finally here #soulmate au #hope you guys enjoy :)#fic: hallie #my fic #your name on my skin

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gretchensinister · 4 years

Text

An Archer, Of Course, Is Familiar With Loopholes

Right after TMA 173, Martin and Jon encounter two beings, neither people nor avatars, who’ve decided to take care of at least one part of the general awfulness that’s going on. Cameo by Helen. This IS a crossover and if you know me it probably IS what you expect.

***

The incident occurs shortly before Martin and Jon leave the domain of the Dark. They haven’t seen anyone for a while, nor anything that might have been anyone under better circumstances. But then, suddenly, they do. There wasn’t anything for the pair to have walked out from behind, no feature of the landscape that would have allowed it, but, well...it is dark. Though one of the pair is, in fact, shining, and it seems logical that they would have been visible from quite a long way off.

Oh well, stranger things, and all that. But the one that’s shining seems very much as though they shouldn’t be allowed, here. Their companion, on the other hand, seems as though they should be blending into the landscape, but they aren’t. There’s something not allowed about them, too, though they’re even darker than...well...the Dark.

Martin narrows his eyes, trying to make sense of them on his own, first. He doesn’t come up with anything. “Jon? Are those people, or what, that we’re approaching?”

“Not people,” Jon replies at once. “They’re—” He groans and presses his hands to the sides of his head. “Not avatars, either, but it’s—very difficult to explain.”

Martin is about to ask another question when the other pair gets within earshot...or something.

Was this what you were going for, though? If it was, I should have hit you harder.

The voice is soundless, manifesting directly in his brain, and that should be disturbing, like so much else about the world now, but instead it makes him...sleepy? He hasn’t needed to sleep since before, and now...this is real sleepiness. A real human sensation. It feels bizarrely good to have a normal human need again. He yawns hugely, and the shining figure (who he can now see is very short) gives him a dazzling smile. But no, not a human smile.

“You should have hit me harder anyway; I murdered you,” the dark one (the much taller one) says, and they sound so normal (aside from what they’re saying) Martin almost wants to laugh. “And no? I mean, this is all…” They take a deep breath and roll their shoulders. “I mean, I can’t deny that whatever we’re going to do here, it’s going to be very easy for me. I’m not going to have any power problems. But I do have standards! This isn’t really fun. And I respect blankets. It’s bad form, otherwise. So. No. I admit. No. Because I have standards.”

Anything else? The bright one gives him a cheeky grin.

“And because I have you, my dearest opposing cosmic force.”

They’re only a few meters away from Martin and Jon now, and when Martin looks over at Jon, he looks like he’s having the world’s worst headache. “What are you doing here?”

He doesn’t hold anything back about the question, and Martin feels the wake of it, wants to start explaining his part in this quest from the point he decided to lie on his CV. Only with effort does he manage to keep himself quiet, but even the effort doesn’t distract him from the little secret (as secret as anything can be, considering) thrill that always runs through him when Jon doesn’t hold himself in check, when he realizes how careful Jon is being at all other times. But the pair—the couple—sure, why not, stranger things, etc.—don’t react at all. As if they were simply unavailable to Jon’s power. When they do answer, it’s as if they’re people answering the question of an ordinary person.

Curiously, this doesn’t bring Martin any fear.

We just wanted to make sure you weren’t us, the bright one says. Certain parallels, certain depictions, the world full of fear—we had to check; it’s important to keep track of these things. I suppose there’s probably an us here, but they’re not you. They turn and looks up at the dark one. But also—well, you can explain this part, Pitch.

The dark one—Pitch—rolls their eyes. “Very well. I suppose I can’t worry about my reputation when I’m not even supposed to be here. Anyway. When we came here we could tell what was going on with the kids, and…yes, even from my perspective it’s not right, it’s no way to live. It’s all…too real. So I’m going to get them all out of here.” They put air quotes around the word “get.” “I’m the expert in that, you could say. And I will return them when they won’t be coming back to this.” They gesture around. “When they come back maybe more of them will even stay put after being tucked in, eat their vegetables, etc. Though it’ll be somewhat complicated to teach anything after getting so many. Then again, it does feel like I’m a battery being charged by a supernova while I’m here, so. Maybe I will be able to do it.”

“Who are you?” Jon asks, and Martin now has the feeling that Jon isn’t being careful right now because he can’t, as if the presence of these two beings is like putting a powerful magnet next to some complex piece of electronics, making it go haywire. And this isn’t even going into any of the things they’ve said.

“I don’t actually have to answer that question, even when you do…whatever it is that you do,” Pitch says. They shrug. “I can’t actually tell what it is. So, as much as I love attention…I wonder, is it refreshing, to have someone just say no, when you ask something? Or does it make you…nervous?” They laugh. “I can’t tell, myself. Ordinarily I’d be able to. Turnabout is fair play, I guess. Anyway, we’re taking the children.”

Martin finally finds his voice. “How do we know where you’re taking them won’t be worse? To know all the kids would be…okay, for the duration…sorry, but it’s hard to trust that much of an improvement in things.”

Pitch turns to him. “Let me put it this way. I’m just as aware as your partner of what this world’s children are experiencing right now, and I have tens of thousands of years more existence-experience to understand it. Coming with me will be a distinct change in circumstances for all of them, and that change, by definition, is going to be an improvement.” They sigh. “Look, my place is mostly a horrible cave, but it’s got plenty of room and I can mold it into something livable fairly easily. The children won’t even have nightmares every time they sleep because my better half won’t allow it.”

Now, now, we can’t think of ourselves as two halves of one being, the bright one says. It makes the other Guardians more nervous than anything else we do.

“Guardians,” Jon mutters. “When I spoke with Gerry, he explained—was he wrong? Please answer, I—”

I’m sorry, the bright one says in their minds. Not in this world. Not in the same way. At least…no, I don’t know, I can’t tell. But there are more things possible than you understand. After all, Pitch and I were human once, too.

“And now look at you! Not even bothering with ear holes, or human proportions, or, well, a lot of human things, really.”

Helen is not really a surprise at this point, Martin decides.

Helen!

Though maybe the little bright one knowing her is, he amends.

“How did we manage to run into someone you already know here?” Pitch asks, sounding for all the world like a long-suffering introvert with an extrovert spouse.

Oh, you know, gold and yellow, dreams and madness. Dreamland has a lot of interesting neighbors.

On one level, Martin knows this could be important. If the new beings—and even Helen, really—keep talking, he and Jon might gain some more insight about the apocalypse. But Jon looks worse than ever, and since Helen is asking the beings why they didn’t bring her any sand, of all things, he’d really prefer this little tête-à-tête to wrap up tout suite. “We’re done here,” he interrupts, as forcefully as he can. Which he knows isn’t very, but…somehow it works this time. He wraps a supportive arm around Jon’s waist. “Look,” he says to the two beings. “I know I don’t understand all this, but you need to leave. I guess I believe you about the kids, that it really…couldn’t be worse. So…yeah. Don’t bring them back until it’s better.”

They both nod, and then the little one takes a sudden step towards him and Jon. “No, Sandy,” Pitch says, grabbing their shoulder. “You can’t touch them. If it did anything—you can tell it’s not allowed.”

Sandy (apparently) closes their eyes and sighs soundlessly. I know. It has to play out first. But it looks so unbalanced right now. They open their eyes and glance up to Pitch before fixing their gaze on Martin and Jon in turn. And yet. I wish you well.

“Well. Thanks,” says Martin. “But if that was the thing you do, I couldn’t feel it do anything.”

I guess I should’ve expected that.

“Come on, Sandy,” Pitch says. “Let’s get the kids.”

They walk deeper into The Dark, with nothing more said to Martin and Jon. Sandy doesn’t dim at all, despite what they’re going into, and Martin wonders a little bit more about what kind of powers he and Jon just couldn’t feel. Helen and her door goes with them, and Martin hears her say one last thing before the distance grows too much: “I won’t tell you not to worry, but Martin is one to watch, you know?” Whatever that means. At least Jon is able to support more of his own weight now, and seems less likely to have his head explode.

“Let’s start putting some distance between us and them,” Jon says, though he’s not yet standing on his own. “It wouldn’t matter, usually, but…I don’t want to know what they’re doing, and I think I can manage that the farther we are from them.”

“All right,” Martin says.

After a few minutes of walking (stumbling forward) and thinking, Martin muses aloud: “The way Pitch said ‘get,’ talking about nightmares, about kids staying tucked in, etc…like, were they just your bog-standard childhood boog—”

“Don’t say it,” Jon says. “I think I can forget that encounter and for the kids…I need to. We can’t talk about it. I can’t think about the potential existence of any other…kinder…world. Where they’d be the only one ever grabbing at anyone’s ankles from under the bed.”

“So we just assume that the situation with the kids is the same as how we left them,” Martin says.

“You can feel how easy it is to remember things that way,” Jon says. “If you let it happen.”

“Just tape over the last half hour?”

“Hah,” Jon says. “Exactly.”

#I was contractually obligated to write this #blacksand #pitch black #sanderson mansnoozie #the magnus archives #jonathan sims #martin blackwood #jonmartin #rise of the guardians #helen distortion

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wildwoods1 · 3 years

Text

Honoring the Sadhus who volunteered to be photographed and painted as a gift toward our Consciousness.

BLUE RAY: LEVEL 1 He was from another century, loincloth, and all. He appeared in the meditation as if Allen had slipped, tumbling from the stillness on his own. He did no such thing. This visitor was seeking him out and interrupting. It was important. It was LifeChanging. It was Blue, iridescent beams of Royal/Pthalo light filled the room!

“Dear Heart,” uncharacteristically, he addressed Allen with deep affection as well as respect. “I am here to bring you news of your unfoldment. I shall begin with our overall subject first. You are Blue Ray, this you know. You are also, however, a unique variety. You are Level 1.” Allen looked puzzled. He started to protest such a proclamation. The Sadhu continued “There are very few Blue Ray Level 1s, it is a rare type and one of the highest vibrations capable of incarnation in these dimensions as human.” Allen tugged at his beard, looked around the dim room now shy of light since the sun had just set. What was happening? What was he supposed to do with this information. He took a breath and looked back at the man sitting in front of him in mid-air, beaming from ear to ear, and saying “It is joyous, is it not?!” Before Allen could utter a word his new companion revved up once again to tackle the challenge at hand. “Rare, very rare! You see, if there are too many level 1 Blues on planet at the same time it will create a severe imbalance for the human population. The Stronger humans who are most likely to reach further in their Spiritual Journey could choose not to bother as much because they can now sense there may be no need; there are already more Blue 1s and the effort is not required! Psychological diminishment! Tsk tsk,” he shook his head, “we simply cannot have this. There are other reasons, to be sure. For now, let me say that there are many reasons for you to deny this possibility. I understand. You are concerned that you could not in any way be qualified! Yes?! “YES!” Allen blurted out as the panic began a slow rise from the pit of his stomach. “Most assuredly and unequivocally YES!!!! ….Oh God, yes!” he ended in a whisper. “Now, now, my son, you are in good hands. Truly, you have nothing to fear at all. While I may not seem to be much by human standards…. I am more than capable of your protection under any circumstance.” Allen stopped wiping his face and looked up. The man….the being, well, he was glowing softly, brilliantly. His voice, when next it crossed those few feet between felt like a silk cape with shearling collar around him and even though it was ‘only’ energy, it was the most comforting thing he had ever felt in his life. “Calm, my son. Allow me to continue.” “Blue Ray ones have a similar foundation but are all different. They carry a wide range of expressions. But what they carry in common is a unique assignment, each one to his own. They are highly sensitive, tend to withdraw from others and even though it is an uncomfortable life, they are ever-loving, with hints of purity, high creativity and a rather delightful cosmic hint of madness! They are not meant for the life of others. They do know anger and depression, whatever befalls within the human. They are here to serve in ways others are not. For example, while everyone is focused now on reaching into deeper work and connections, Blue Ray 1s are based in deeper connection, not merely developing the capacity but their very presence, along with others, helps create the depth itself. They tend to take on some of the more severe clearings of the collective and most will have difficult burdens from which to rise. Their sensitivities can be deceptive! They may have scars that make the immediate recognition of them quite difficult. You assumed you could not be such a being because you do not see yourself as this level of ability/capacity/mastery! This is truth.” “Yes, it definitely is!” Allen, not wishing to be rude, held back his auto-pilot protests. “That is because you have not been awakened. I see how humans regard this notion of being awakened: it is the means by which they become aware of the Ascension Process. Blue Ray 1s were born to Ascension process, yet, and I say this with caution and no care to inflate any assumptions, have been kept in a semi-stasis until time for the individual’s particular manner of extensive awakening. In order to qualify, you must complete much your personal clearing and then reset the extra

burdens you also carried. You will no longer “carry for the tribe.” (taking on some of the collective work directly) This must happen prior to certain self-revelations. Once completed, you will be introduced to your deeper skills and capacities, en toto.” “In your case, you are older, one of the very first. You were sent earlier than the Indigos to help clear/stabilize, and, should, if all goes well, have the blessing of being part of the Collective Rising. It will be harder for you, but you can do this. You can awaken in a way you feel inside of you yet never believed would actuate itself. At least not here….now….as this you!” “I will give you are few days to mull this over. And if you doubt this, well, what harm could it do to simply look for both me and the possibilities in the event something occurs that seems to overwhelm? We will be with, I assure you!” “Dear Allen, yours has not been an easy path. You are who you are and because of many factors, you never quite found purchase in your own power. Now you can. But give yourself this gift: know in your deep humility, your heart and soul are the breath of the planet, of this galaxy, this universe. Know that your hints of purity are being shaded from sight, your Love, which already shines bright, will rise to that of the Sun. You, my dear, beautiful Soul, along with all who follow the Light, are the templet and the gauge which the Great Ones said would come. You are not replacing the Buddha or the Christ…. however, given the depth of your true humility, you are their direct child and will soon realize with the Oneness of ALL, the fullness of them in you! We are the Oneness and in us, all Love shall shine. Because of the work of every soul, all can meet and Be Light. The Blue Ray 1s require the work of every other being to manifest their assignments. EVERYTHING IS INTERDEPENDENT. No one is of any greater status or value. So you can relax all of that foolishness thinking you are not “good enough” to fulfill such a work as this. It is yours because of that which the Source has used to accomplish the work, utterly free of ego. You are the sum of your parts and both the sum & those parts (the totality of your being) are now required. Time to collect all your bits and pieces to offer to the cause. It is as simple as that. IF any felt superior, their capacities would fade, leach out into the sand. That soul would lose their place and be replaced by another ready to fulfill the task. It would mean the result would not be the same! It would change with every adjustment the Whole is required to make. Not that those who fall would not be mourned, but the ego rulership has no place here. It cannot survive and is indicative of work left undone. But we are blessed with energy to smooth the way, as long as we accept the challenges, releasing the fears as we go, we will know the blessing of realization, Ascension. Ones know better than anyone that energy shy of the true depth required for certain projects of consciouHonoring the Sadhus who volunteered to be photographed and painted as a gift toward our Consciousness means the dream is not possible. They also know that without Infinite Joy, nothing will prosper! And that is the difference that the Blues make! The sense of All being great joy! They understand it in stillness and they know it in chaos in ways that penetrate not only the rabble, but the unspeakable center of the Pearl. They understand this and treasure it as an integral part of the depth required to meet transformation on every level of existence. It is why they can plunge into that great spring of Life and feel all the pain, rising again with a kind of interminable vigor that knows no end! That is its own joy! You, my dear being, known as Allen, and every other one of your kind, is privileged to tend the Spirit of the ones transitioning into the higher realms. You know better than most, without Joy, Light cannot be Love. So allow that to grow in you, my son. Allow Joy to lead, It will be as if your Soul has been partially holding its breath waiting for you

to come home to yourself, fearlessly and whole! It will now Breathe!! It will come forward in you in ways it has forever withheld its dearest expressions. You know now that what I am saying is not merely pretty words! They are truth. They are real---as are you! Pretty is nice. Always dive under the pretty—you know this, but I am saying that when your capacities begin to surface, never blink!!” he nearly shouted, which startled Allen. “See them all as nothing but the next step and the next. Never be impressed with what you can suddenly do— none is all you, it is all of us being through you!!! Think well on this!!! All of us through you! No ego can be heard/felt over such a din!! Imagine, the energy from much of the universe pouring through a few billion humans! And now we reach the crux of my mission today:…” The seeming man from ancient jungles of India uncrossed his legs and stood, walked around the illusion of a room and sat once again in the exact same space…different Now. “I have shifted this…you call it a Timeline? Yes, well, it is a different Now and you will learn from this place. You understand? Do you?” Allen’s mind, busy trying to run alongside the planet as she spun, looked up with a face that was understanding, then bewildered. “You are a being of many planes and dimensions. Sometimes, especially during transitions, your stability in one dimension is unreliable. I merely switched your timeline, usually adopted by consciousness, to a frequency more in harmony with your new material and the consciousness growth currently taking place. It was necessary for you to become aware of it for the information to find purchase in your psyche. To make it stick.” Allen nodded to indicate he had followed the explanation. “Let us imagine you have realized your new tasks and abilities, you are confronted with a particular challenge that requires, as you see it, immediate action before you are certain you are fully prepared to manage the work, but you have to try. Here is the process with which it will happen: you will be attuned to Universal, Divine, Holy (or whatever designation you give equivalent interpretation) of such energy. That is your connection. Then you will act according to the will of what you refer to as Highest Self dedicated to said Universal energy. This sublime Union has already taken place. The Highest Self and Universal Divine energy are already One. They have merely been waiting for you. At this point, you have been dedicating every cell and thought to this purpose. Your higher awareness practically leaks out of your cells and ears, you have light coming from your hands every moment. (he giggled) It is not a state of perfection. It is, however, sufficient to the immediate task and your thoughts have now reached a high neighborhood of expression (more often than not). It will be the Universal energy that actually accomplishes the work, of course. As with healers, you are a conduit. But now, there is greater consciousness in the Universal energy than before. It will be this which guides you even more precisely than your Guides do now. This energy is the sum total of All and it is developing such awareness as even humans can understand. It always has been this, it is simply evolving as you do! But it is Omnipresent and now grows in what you may call “both” directions”! It is easier for the lower vibrations to read some of its wisdom than it ever was before. To be a conduit of this energy, you must allow yourself to become this energy! Become, Be, Express and allow the fullness of it as you never have before. And isn’t it a gift that every time you surrender utterly to this energy, you become more of it. You evolve beyond what you were a moment ago! Is this not an extraordinary process!??? Is this not the high reaches of Joy!!!???? And by realizing the energy that passes through you is literally ALL OF US passing through you, imagine what your consciousness could do with this. There is no stopping anything now, if you are amenable. It is up to you. You may choose this version of your path, or you may

refuse. You will be given another chance, as many as it takes, though none quite as thrilling as this one. THIS Earth, this time, this now, is a unique process and it will never need repeating again. My advice, my dear, beautiful Soul, is to make the most of it while you can! It is GLORY! It is JOY! ……………….Any questions?” “What do I call you?” Allen asked a little bewildered and looking for whatever replaced his reason. “And yes—I do have a question.” He reached out to the napkin he had used earlier and once again wiped his face. Took a sip of water… a deep breath …before he looked back at the Sadhu. “The Sadhu laughed outright. You may call me Murma,” he replied with a crafty chuckle. Don’t worry about the meaning. It is nonsense. I am nonsense! Most other of the Sadhus find me outrageous!” “Thank you, Murma, thank you for a means to address you. My question”…. Allen’s voice drifted off…. “Uh, no. Well, Yes, I mean … here’s the thing: You are saying I should allow Joy to lead. But all that I have studied from teachers tends to encourage the student to release all thought, feeling, any indication of self from their contemplations, meditation, ways of thinking. They seem to consider something like Joy entirely too alluring or distracting to allow true stillness. So I don’t quite see what you want me to do.”

My dear Allen, do you know why there are Gurus and Lineages? Because each sees the Path to Realization as close to the individuals’ Soul as possible. No two people are going to have the exact same journey. It is very simple. It’s a custom job! Every step, every pause, every breath! Some will be their Soul through asceticism, some will be a beacon through the deepest love beyond the human references. Some will laugh, some will suffer beyond reason. For YOU the path is Joy. (It is not wasted distraction.) You will be, as a level 1 Blue, a being who plows the road. All of you are that. In your case, tending to the Spirits of those around you, your task is to help them sense…SENSE: that means silence, stillness, pure, focused in JOY! You do not think of Joy, you allow stillness in the silence. That is accomplished by your method to realize it. I am suggesting you find the doorway through the Heart, enter, and then release all else. Use all the discipline you feel appropriate. Then, once you have recharged and reconnected in a high frequency, realize that the way of expressing that Heart & Soul is JOY! Think of it as a cousin to Bhakti Yoga. Find your way through the disciplines. Understand? Try non-being! Work with it. The journey is accomplished through the heart to get to and release Soul from degenerating energy. Joy is an expression of Love! It will be the new fuel for the rocket!!!! It will be what powers the rocket they use to transcend conditioning and pain! They may arrive at this through Love, through Joy, Bliss, Creativity, Communication and many other endless means. But it will always be the Soul, speaking through the Heart for you! As much as you feel bonded to the intellect, you will Rise with JOY!!!!” He finished with a flourish and allowed a slight bounce of his body seated there in the air. His voice tilted upward like a bird, “UNDERSTAND???” “Yes, Murma. Allen closed his eyes as the power of these thoughts entered him like a waterfall. Sacred Water pouring in. Sacred Love pouring. Sacred pouring. It was all true and right. It was what he deeply wanted and had tried to change because he thought he was wrong, that he was not living up to the deepest, the most spiritual path! Waste, indeed! He felt the bliss as his gratitude overflowed on the return journey out/IN to the Sadhu… “I am already in you, dear Allen. I will be there and I will be here….I will be. No limits. Waste no time wondering where I am. I am ever, not where. There is no when. I AM. His voice trailed off as he dissolved from view, whispering “I am ever with you…”, the blue lights fading from the seemingly empty air of his room. Allen was in a state of shock. No thought. Nothing happening except on a very deep level, he could feel something like an origami paper bird….slowly, deceptively fast yet ever imperceptibly unfolding itself. There were no sounds, even if it seemed there should be, there was nothing to indicate anything beyond .....this. And yet…it was happening….. Now.

#Blue Ray #personal realization #Ascension Lightworker

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