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#depressive episodes mention

chrisginny · 4 months

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the way i've had nutcracker performances on neil perry's death day for 2 years in a row now is crazy like haha i'm doing a fun silly performance wow what a neil perry moment lol haha i hope i don't go home afterwards and kill myself lmao

#gail speaks #dps #ch tag: i was really good #neil perry #tw suicide joke #tw suicide mention #guys i can make those jokes btw i've had serious depressive episodes in the past

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katytheinspiredworkaholic · 8 months

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WIP Wednesday

Dreamwalker (Eddie’s Story)

Summary: Steddie Canon compliant/fix-it fic paired with a corresponding story in Steve’s POV, each chapter happens in tandem with the other. Eddie wakes up alone in the Upside Down, not knowing how he survived, and unable to reach anyone topside in Hawkins. Wounded and alone, he finds shelter at the Harrington’s house (the place is a damn fortress after all), and while hiding out there discovers that he has gained the ability to walk into other people’s dreams.

((unbeta'd snippet from Chapter 03 that probably has some incorrect information in regards to the Upside Down/history of the show but I haven't gone back to fact check just yet. Also remember Eddie does not have some information that the others do so there are missing pieces there as well: for instance, he is calling the Demogorgon a Nazgûl (because we are doing lots of LotR references, and he never actually saw a Demogorgon in the show). He is currently hiding at the Byer's old house, and ends up falling asleep there while the creatures ourside are hunting. This is the first chapter where Eddie doesn't dreamwalk with Steve -- but with someone else. And therefore learns that he can walk into anyone's dreams. Also sets the tone for the rest of Eddie's story. There's 15 chapters total, if that helps paint the picture of how much more there is untold. Another stupidly long snippet, but it will probably be my last one for Eddie for a while. I'm wishy-washy on when the fic will be posted, and the logistics of formatting dreams vs. reality, but more info will come when the time nears. For the purpose of this snippet, the dream is in italics and reality is in regular))

—

Eddie dreams, and almost immediately he knows it’s not his own.

After finding himself walking through Steve Harrington’s dreams, Eddie discovers they feel very distinctly different from experiencing his own. It’s less confusing, for one thing, and he’s more sure of himself and his body as he moves around within the dreamscape. But he’s only dreamed with Steve twice, both when sleeping in his bed in his home, and there’s something very not Steve about this dream.

For one thing, he’s back in the woods. Not the Upside Down version of the woods, either, because the trees are intact and the air smells less foul, and there’s a different hue to the darkness here. Almost like it’s lighter, more familiar, nostalgic to his rattled senses.

He spins around, hands in his jacket pockets, once again wearing his battle vest (he misses it a lot, maybe Harrington kept it for him) and his Hellfire shirt. His armor. His go-to outfit. If he was to be drawn like a cartoon character in Scooby-Doo or some shit, wearing the same thing every frame, this is what he’d have on. And when he looks out into the darkness, he finds himself alone. Very much alone.

But this isn’t his dream.

How does he know this? Don’t fucking ask him. Eddie can just… feel it. Like when you step outside and can tell it’s about to rain. The atmosphere is just different.

He can also tell this isn’t Steve’s. Steve’s dreams feel like wearing a warm sweatshirt, they are crisp and confined and comforting even when they are facing something scary. But this… this feels more brittle. More watery. Smaller.

Then, Eddie sees him.

A little boy, standing in the woods. The towering trees seem to press in on him from either side, the forest floor is a shag carpet of leaves, roots and dips in the ground that could swallow that kid whole. He looks so small, and lost. Eddie had been lost in the woods before, when he didn’t know that if you just keep walking in one direction you’ll eventually hit a road. So he makes his way towards the boy, and only pauses when his vision fails him.

Well, it must have, anyway. Because Eddie could have sworn it was a little boy, about nine years old, and then like a movie-frame shutter the boy ages a few years. And then the click shutter happens again. It’s very ghost-story-esque and Eddie isn’t sure he wants to get much closer after that. The boy shutters between ages: maybe 10 years old, then 12 years old, 15 years old, and back to 10. If he had to guess.

But his presence doesn’t go unnoticed, the kid turns to him and looks at him with wide eyes. He’s got a rather unfortunate bowl-cut and big watery eyes and is looking at Eddie like he’s one of the Nazgûl come to eat him alive. So Eddie raises his hands in the universal gesture of ‘I come in peace’ and – it takes him a moment to realize he’d done something similar to Chrissy all those months ago. Trying to make himself not look so scary for a moment, when he spends most of his time otherwise doing his very best to have ‘Fuck Off’ stamped on his forehead.

“Hey, it’s okay,” he tells the kid, who about trips over his own feet to back away. “I’m not gonna hurt you. What’s your name?”

The boy licks his lips in nervousness, shutters between 10 and 12 again, a courage in his eyes as he finds his voice.

“Will Byers.”

…Oh, shit.

Eddie’s eyes are a little wider, now, and he lets out a deep breath as he tries to gain his bearings. He’d fallen asleep in mini-Byer’s room, and now he was in his dream.

So that’s how it works.

“Will Byers,” he murmurs, still a little shell-shocked. “Your friends with Wheeler and Henderson.”

He blinks and the kid is 15, almost as tall as he is, looking at him with more curiosity now. But then he’s 10 again, fingers clenched at his sides, suspicious and untrusting.

“Who are you?” he asks, his little voice doing its best not to shake.

“My name is Eddie.” He’s usually good with little kids, and he’d get down to the other’s level if he didn’t have a tendency to switch between four feet and six. But the spark of recognition is worth the softer tones, because the kid immediately connects a bunch of information Eddie isn’t privy to. But he gets the same look in his eyes that Henderson does when he figures something out.

“Eddie who died?” Will Byers asks, confused, hopeful.

“Yeah, Eddie who died,” he says back, and wow that feels like a kick to the chest. He puts his hands back in his pockets and leans on one hip heavily. At least they still talk about him, topside.

“Why are you here?” Will asks. Eddie just shrugs in response.

“I don’t know, man. It’s your dream.”

There’s a noise off in the distance, a dark guttural growl and heavy footsteps – both Eddie and Will look to it, snapping to attention and not moving an inch. ((This is a dream.)) Eddie reminds himself, like he has to do every single time. But the Nazgûl and Vecna could probably penetrate dreams as well as minds, so who’s to say that the thing in the distance wouldn’t be able to hurt them, here.

Will’s back to a small child, the same face and wide eyes that had been on missing posters three years ago. And he’s looking up at Eddie, whispering so as not to be overheard by the monster in the forest. “Do you know somewhere safe to hide?”

It takes him a moment to consider it. In fact, Eddie almost retorts with the same line as before. It’s your dream, kid. But then again, Eddie did have more control of himself so maybe… maybe he did know a safe place. Max had hidden from Vecna in happy memories, right? Dreams were just a compilation of memories and imagination. Eddie knows how to weave a tale, so yeah – why not?

He nods, steps closer, and offers his hand to the kid.

“This way.”

The woods are dark and dense and kind of lovely in their own way. The two can hear the Nazgûl in the background, although Eddie really wants to ask what the kids called it instead, and as he walks through the woods he just… focuses on the areas of the forest he knew well. In particular, the place he set up shop almost every day of the week.

And like magic, it appears.

They step into a small clearing in the woods, and there’s the picnic table he had last sat at with Chrissy Cunningham. Making a fool of himself to get her to laugh so she wouldn’t look so scared of him. Now he knows she wasn’t really scared of him at all, but the hallucinations Vecna had plagued her with. He swallows thickly, not wanting to think about Chrissy now – not when his very thoughts are driving where they walk – and then they are rounding the bleachers of the high school football field. Crossing the parking lots, and ducking through the East Entrance doors. Will had changed again, he’s older now, maybe 12 or 13, and looking around in curiosity.

Interesting.

“Have you ever been here before?” Eddie asks, because he needs to know. If Will had never been to Hawkins High, then he wouldn’t be able to dream it at all. That would mean that Eddie could create things out of thin air in a head that wasn’t his own. Both a very cool and very scary thought.

“Only a few times for school stuff. The others knew it better than I did. When I was lost they had El do her mind-walking here, so she could search for me. They made a sensory deprivation tank in the gym.”

Mind-walking. Eddie is even more interested now, and he wants to pry every little bit of information out of mini-Byers head if he can. “That’s the girl with superpowers?”

“Yeah, she’s like my sister.”

“And she can walk through minds?”

“Kind of,” and woah the kid’s voice dropped. He was older now, and taller again – probably the actual age of Henderson and Wheeler and Sinclair. “She walks through dimensions, but she can also walk through memories.”

“What about dreams?”

He almost doesn’t ask, but he also doesn’t get an answer – because then they make it to his hideout.

Eddie opens the door to the Drama room, where (low and behold) the Vecna Lives! Campaign is still set up from the night of the basketball game. The night Chrissy died, and Eddie’s entire life with her. The stage lights are set low, he’d created the perfect ambiance, and the table is still full of the havoc of their campaign. Those little shits won by the skin of their teeth, all thanks to Erika Sinclair. He’d never expected that. But it had been such a wonderful, delightful surprise. It’s a good memory, and Eddie holds onto it, lets it warm his chest and ease a smile onto his face.

“Woah!” Will’s face is pure awe, and there’s a handsome little smile on his face as well as he looks over the entire board. “Is this… you did all this?”

“It’s the night before I became a fugitive. My last and greatest campaign,” Eddie laments, shutting and blocking the door (just in case the Nazgûl decides to take up tracking) and then circles round to his Dungeon Master throne. Flops down in it with his legs hanging over the arm, and relishes in the familiarity of it. It’s the throne the props people built for a few plays over the years, and Eddie had to beg the Drama teacher to let him keep it for Hellfire. It was perfect. Set the tone immediately. All the other players got little folding card chairs, but Eddie was in charge and this was his domain. The throne never let them forget it.

Will looks around the board with skilled eyes, taking in each part of the story, and then his gaze lands on Henderson’s seat, where the character sheets and books are still set up. He must recognize the name, or the handwriting, because suddenly he’s frowning. The seat next to Henderson is Wheeler, and the frown deepens.

“Those shitheads,” he mumbles. “I begged them for months to play D&D with me last year, and as soon as I’m gone they join a club for it with a kick ass DM.”

“I’ll take that as a compliment” Eddie tells him with a wave of his hand, like the royalty he’s trying to be. “But yes, that was rather shitty of them. They told me all the time about how you’d wreck the campaign. Your presence was missed, Will the Wise.”

And it was true. Henderson had often shouted to the D&D heavens when Eddie’s hidden monsters would destroy half their party and demand to know where ‘Will the Wise’ was when they needed him.

“So,” he draws out the question, wanting to get back to the mind-walking girl, but he can see there is something still bothering the little Byers. “Did Henderson take over the campaigns? Or did you fill my empty throne upon your return?”

The smile falls from his face like a cinder block, and Will sits down in Wheeler’s seat heavily, gaze still roaming the complex board on the table.

“No, there’s been no games since everything happened.” He sounds sad about it, but Eddie gets the feeling it doesn’t actually have to do with D&D at all.

“How come?”

“Well, it’s kind of a… sore spot,” Will admits, and then he glances guiltily at Eddie. Who doesn’t get it for a minute.

Oh.

Oh, crap.

It must show on his face that he knows it’s because of him. He was the ringleader of Hellfire, after all.

“Dustin doesn’t even really like talking about it,” Will confides in him. “But he doesn't really talk to anyone about anything, we don’t see him that often. Mostly just at mom’s family dinners when Steve drags him there.”

“I heard about those,” Eddie murmurs, picking at the flaking black polish on his nails to mask the guilt clawing at his chest. “Good ole Steve.”

“He’s trying so hard to take care of everyone, but I know he spends a lot of time with Dustin. And Max. I really should visit Max more,” he murmurs now, his gaze going further away, and Eddie isn’t sure if he’s waking up from his dream or if Eddie is actually losing him in all this maudlin talk.

“She’s in the hospital, yeah?”

“The doctors aren’t sure if she’ll wake up,” Will tells him. “She’s just… in a coma. El is worried she’s stuck somewhere between the realms, but everyone else is worried she’s just… gone.”

Okay, they needed a topic change.

“Hey, can I ask you something?” Eddie says, nearly flipping out of the throne in a manner that might have been a little over the top, but it shook the sadness from Will’s eyes and that’s what Eddie was going for. Court Jester, extraordinaire. It worked on Chrissy, it’ll work on little Will Byers. (Although not so little anymore.)

“Sure?”

He fumbles upright, and sits down in Henderson’s chair so he can finally level with the kid.

“You were stuck in the Upside Down when you went missing, right?” He knows he’s right, Henderson had gone into great detail about how it all started, but that's not the point of asking the question. Will nods, confused but intrigued. Super. “Okay, so – how did you hide and like… stay sane? You were just a little munchkin and all but you were in there for days.”

“Time moves differently there,” Will points out, but then shrugs and thinks about it. Looking up at the stage lights in thought. “I hid in this old fort of mine in the forest, it was something I had built myself and it didn’t make me feel so alone.”

Castle Byers, Eddie had seen it. He nods and motions for Will to continue with an exaggerated hand flourish that makes the kid smile.

“So, here's my theory – after talking with El and some of the others about it, and about how Max hid from Vecna – I think maybe because it held such good and safe memories for me, it protected me like no other house could. I think that’s how I wasn’t caught again.”

Now that, that gives Eddie pause… because his safe spot right now was Harrington’s house. But he had never slept in Steve’s bed before in his life. (Dreamed about it? Of course, but Eddie had only ever stepped foot in his kitchen to do business during house parties. There was no connection to the property itself.) So why was it safe now? Was it Steve’s memory that made it so? A combination with the fact there were no vines inside? It was a lot to mull over, and Will was taking his silence as a go-ahead to continue on.

“Basically, if I had to give any advice,” Will draws out, trying to see what Eddie was angling for. Yes, advice would be greatly appreciated. “The Upside Down is a direct mirror of Hawkins, so go and find the bits of yourself that still exist out there. Things that make you feel more like yourself, and less like you’re living in hell. Clothes or pictures or books. Something that’s not dangerous to carry around, but reminds you of home.”

That makes a lot more sense than Eddie had expected it to.

He looks back to Will, and gives the kid a grin that is equal parts impressed and appreciative.

“Thanks, kid. I think I’ll just have to do that.”

Will beams at him, a little hero-worship shining in his eyes that Eddie has witnessed before from his little hellion sheep. But then a spark of something like recognition crosses those wide eyes and Will’s gaze narrows at him in suspicion.

“Wait, why would you want to know that?” he questions, and Eddie doesn’t answer. Stays kind of tight-lipped about it because… he could just tell mini-Byers that he’s alive in there and that he should get Good Ole Steve-O and Nancy Wheeler and superhero girl to come rescue his ass. But would he believe him? Or remember?

And he recalls how fast the Nazgûl attacked once he fucked with the lights. The gate was closed, opening it could open up a whole can of worms or whatever that no one was ready to deal with.

Maybe… maybe he should just sit tight, for now, and see if he can help them all out somehow?

((Where was all this self-righteous bullshit coming from?))

Analysis time would also be a problem for Future Eddie.

“Let’s just say, it’ll come in handy for me,” Eddie relents. A little hint. Knowing those shits they’ll figure it all out anyway.

Instead of elaborating, he extends his hand, and waits for Will to clasp it like all good boys had been taught to do.

“It was a pleasure meeting you, Will the Wise.”

He’s slow to smile again, but it’s a genuine thing and Eddie takes it for the little speck of Gold it is. “I’m glad I finally got to meet you, Eddie the Banished.”

And Eddie knows he has Henderson to thank for that nickname, but he would wear it proudly for the rest of his days if he ever manages to make it out topside again.

Although Byers might give Henderson a run for his money on ‘favorite child’, at this rate.

—

When the blood red morning dawn creeps in through Will Byer’s windows, and Eddie crawls out from underneath his bed, there’s a lot of thoughts tumbling around his head as he gathers his things.

In particular, the thought that trying to contact the other side might not be the best idea at the moment.

For his health? Yeah, possibly. He can’t actually live on moldy food the rest of his days, however short that may be, but he has to think of the bigger picture here. Everyone was having a rough time topside, in a completely different manner to Eddie’s own, but that old saying really rang true to him – shit was tough all over. They were all trying to heal, and knew there was a fight on the horizon. Eddie knew that eventually, everyone else would make it back to the Upside Down to finish this fight. He just had to live long enough to see that day.

So… why didn’t he just use his placement as an advantage?

Why doesn’t he do what he imagined himself doing, and really commit to the bit of espionage? Eddie could commit to the bit so hard he got himself in trouble most of the time. No use switching that up now.

So he gathers his things, tip-toes through the house, and runs right back into the woods. He has quite a few stops to make, but there’s one he needs to do first and foremost.

It takes the better part of the day, but he finally comes to the trailer park. The chasm splitting open the Earth glows and pulses with an intense heat, and there’s things prowling all around, but Eddie stays pressed to the backs of the trailers and dips and ducks around as best he can. Avoiding bats and rats and dogs and what might be a cat-like creature but he’s not entirely sure. Margaret’s trailer is much further down the road, where he’d biked when the bats chased him, so her bunker of Doomsday materials would have to wait.

Will said to find the things that reminded Eddie of himself, so that’s what he was going to do.

Uncle Wayne’s trailer is split in two, but Eddie’s room had been at the back end so it survived – to a degree. He crawls through the wreckage, picking through stuff that’s burnt and probably leaking radiation or some shit (seriously how has he not dropped dead at this rate?) and finally finds the tiny space that used to be his closet. It’s full of shirts and clothes he hasn’t seen in a couple years, but at the bottom is an old metal tool box that he’d stashed a bunch of sewing shit inside of. Patches. Bits of old band T-shirts, and sure enough – he lifts the lid, and finds the very origins of his battle vest. It’s still a jean jacket, at the moment, with sleeves covered in patches and safety pins – he ripped them off the summer between his second and third senior year – but on the back is the freshly hand-stitched Dio logo taking up the entire back panel. It’s gorgeous, and he immediately slips it on under Steve’s leather jacket. He’s lost enough weight the past few weeks it still fits, but he has a feeling he might be ripping off the sleeves sooner rather than later. Because he has some work to do, and some weapons to practice with.

But not before he goes and retrieves the final missing piece of himself.

His sweetheart is lying on the ground, covered in ash, some of the strings rusted. He whispers apologies to her as he picks her up out of the rubble. She’s a beautiful blood red Warlock NJ Series electric guitar that he spent two years saving up for, and as soon as he clips on a strap and slings her across his back, he feels more at peace than he had in a long time. Will the Wise had been right, he feels like he could take on the world with these bits of himself restored.

Harrington’s house was twenty miles away, and sundown was in only a few hours. He had errands to run, a distance to cross, and a realm of monsters in between them.

But he also now has a bike (discarded in a pile from Spring Break just waiting for him to pillage), and his guitar, and his battle jacket.

Fuck Vecna and his minions. This was Eddie’s world now.

Time to get to work.

—

tbc

—

Series Snippets:

- Dreamwalker (Eddie’s Story) (Part 1) (Part 2) (Part 3) (Part 4) (Part 5)

- Subconscious (Steve’s Story) (Part 1) (Part 2) (Part 3) (Part 4)

#eventually ill decide when this is going to start being posted #i keep going back and forth on if it should be finished first #but if i do that then no cap its going to be like January #we'll see if i make it #wip Wednesday #Dreamwalker Subconscious series #steddie #god i hate that summary i really need to rewrite it #snippets no one asked for #like 3k of it and my god the fact checking and typos i have yet to do still #i prepped this Tuesday while in a depressive episode to cheery myself up #its a good ass snippet #cw character death mentioned #eddie uses profanity as adjectives and adverbs #pre steddie #eddie munson is a good egg and he'd be so sweet to will #katyswriting

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queerpossums · 4 months

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ack it feels like i smoked way too much and then ate a bowl of coffee grounds. salt hasn’t helped so it isn’t pots/neurologic issues. i need to sleep but i fucking can’t. it’s been days of feeling fucked in the head and i’ve been actively avoiding all risky activities and behaviors since i noticed shit getting weird. fuck fuck fuck i have to make it through the next semester and keep my merit scholarship. at least i’ve done a months worth of late work in the past five days

#tw vent #tw drug mention #tw psychosis #tw mania #tw drugs #tw smoking #mental illness #mental illness rant #actually psychotic #psychotic episode #psychotic depression #borderline personality disorder #bpd rant #bpd vent #bpd euphoria #euphoria #actually bpd #actually cluster b #actually borderline

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glacierruler · 9 months

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Bipolar 1 Disorder

So there have been a few people, who on this post, weren't sure what Bipolar 1 Disorder is. Keep in mind this varies for everyone, but I'll give you the medical definition, and what it personally feels like, for me.

Also feel free to rb with questions, or how these things feel/affect you, or just to spread awareness.

CWs: manic episodes, depressive episodes, hallucinations, delusions, intrusive and impulsive thoughts, suicide ideation and thoughts of suicide, car crash mention, medication

According to this website, NIMH Bipolar 1 Disorder is:

Bipolar I disorder is defined by manic episodes that last for at least 7 days (nearly every day for most of the day) or by manic symptoms that are so severe that the person needs immediate medical care. Usually, depressive episodes occur as well, typically lasting at least 2 weeks. Episodes of depression with mixed features (having depressive symptoms and manic symptoms at the same time) are also possible. Experiencing four or more episodes of mania or depression within 1 year is called “rapid cycling.”

Again, every individual experiences this differently, and this won't be completely true for all individuals, but this is a good place to start your research(I do not agree with all the information in this, but it's one of the most credible sources I have). And again, you should definitely do your research, not everyone experiences this like I do.

Okay, so most of this has to do with, or is tied to emotions and feelings. Which makes explaining it harder. But bear with me here.

First, manic and depressive episodes are two extremes. And like you can feel both at the same time, despite how polar opposite they can seem, but both of them are still two extremes.

Now manic episodes in particular are interesting, because like, for me, most of the time they're chaotic and happy. But there have been a few times where I'm irrationally angry. However, at least until I reblog this with probably more information, I'm going to focus on the more happy chaotic side of manic episodes, because that's the main thing I have experience with.

During these happy chaotic moods, these manic episodes, I feel like I'm on top of the world. I legitimately think laws don't apply to me, which is not a good thing. I'm more likely to act on my impulsive thoughts, and thoughts that would usually be intrusive, become impulsive. Like, for example, burning down a building with people in it, usually that would be an intrusive thought for me, but when I'm manic, all of a sudden, I do not care about human lives, and it seems like the most fun thing I could do(this is an example of where my mind could take me). So it takes what would usually be an intrusive thought for me and turns it into an impulsive one. And while my manic episodes don't usually last for a week(has happened a few times), they do get really bad. And I will be a danger to myself or others because of these episodes. I am also like so much more honest, because I don't see the point in lying, lying takes more effort than it's worth in these episodes, which is not great when you're closeted. Thankfully I am mostly left alone when I'm like this, and have never been asked about my identity during an episode.

And while yes manic episodes can be, and in most cases are, dangerous, I can usually do my best writing/painting/drawing during these episodes. I find that I'm more creative, with ideas flowing out of me, and as long as I'm sitting at my computer or easel, I'm not nearly as dangerous.

As for depressive episodes, those are different. Er... I don't think I can explain them very well tbh. But I'll try my best.

Depressive episodes are interesting, because they themselves aren't depression. Depression is a completely different feeling. Like, don't get me wrong, depressive episodes contain depression, but that's not all they do. Depressive episodes make it harder to do anything, but in a different way than depression does. Like, at least for me, with regular depression, I can still be objective about the day that I've had. Where as with depressive episodes that reasoning that I have with myself is like, taken away? And like, depending on how bad it is, it's harder to fight off certain thoughts. And these episodes can last a few hours to a few weeks for me. I'm not explaining it well, because it sounds like regular depression, but as someone who has regular depression and depressive episodes, there's a difference in the feeling. Like depressive episodes contain depression and the hardships that come with it, but make it worse and have a different feel to them. Like, with normal depression, I might think about killing myself, but I'll be able to tell myself no, and why I'm valued. With depressive episodes, the worst one I had I almost crashed my car on purpose, and it took everything in me to not do that. (And that was when I was on my meds, so I'm very glad I didn't have it while off of them).

Now, I experience hallucinations and delusions as well and while not everyone with bipolar 1 disorder experiences this, it is common. And like it's interesting because it can be caused by manic and depressive episodes, usually manic, but with me, it's more of an everyday type thing? Like, they're stronger when I'm manic, but I still get them when I'm not experiencing manic or depressive episodes. With the hallucinations bit, I'll see shapes floating in the air, or hear a few words loudly or even a distant conversation that I just can't make out the words too. Along with some sensory hallucinations, where I'll feel random stings or crawling sensations on my skin. With delusions it's more like I believe something that is so obviously false. One common thing that happens with me, is I'll believe I'm a literal disney princess, like I'm the daughter of Ariel or something. And again, when I'm manic it's worse than when I'm not. So like, a delusion that will usually take me a few hours to break out of, might take me a few days. And hallucinations that are more obvious, become harder for me to tell the difference between, say a see through figure on the streets, and what looks almost like a full body person. (Although it's usually shapes that I see, but I have seen what looked to be a person a few times even though there was no one there). And like, sometimes my hallucinations and delusions will team up, and to keep with the previous example, I will envision the dining room in my house as this big grand ballroom, even though it is literally not big enough to be as spacious as what I'm literally seeing with my eyes. The only hint that my hallucinations aren't real is they will be slightly see through, like, even the most vivid ones I can slightly see through, but some are harder to see through than others.

Again, just to reiterate my point here, this is what I go through. Not everyone who has bipolar 1 disorder will go through these like I do. It is NOT a universal experience.

#glacier rambles #sort of #bipolar 1 disorder #manic episodes #depressive episodes #depression #suicide thoughts #suicidal ideation #mentions of thoughts of suicide #mentions of suicidal ideations #i am not currently planning on killing myself i promise #the tags make more sense if you read the post i swear #hallucinations #delusions #car crash mention #medication

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goodnessandgrief · 7 months

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When I’m feeling depressed, it can be nearly impossible to take care of myself, and that includes eating. Here’s a list of some foods that require little to no effort (aka: can be eaten right out of the package or just need to be microwaved), mainly for my personal reference, but also so others can find easier alternatives when they’re struggling.

Water bottles or canned water - stay hydrated!!

vegetables - green beans, peas, corn, black/kidney/pinto beans, chickpeas (all canned or microwaveable frozen bags) - I’ve also tried Harvest Snaps, which are baked snap peas & they’re v good

Fruit - grapes, raisins (or any other dried fruit like apricots/dates), mandarin oranges, apples, applesauce cups, bananas, pears, peaches, etc. (most fruits require no prep anyway, but especially if they’re canned - you can also buy frozen bags)

Canned soup or chicken, beef, or veggie broth

Pasta (ramen, spaghetti, mac and cheese, chow mein) or instant rice are my go-tos. You can buy these in individual cups or bulk packs.

Any microwaveable food - frozen/tv dinners, burritos, toaster strudels (they make an egg bacon & cheese version too!), mini pizzas, breakfast sandwiches… there’s a lot you could do here :)

Dairy - Yogurt, cheese sticks, (or just straight up eat cheese slices, there are no rules here), cottage cheese, almond/oat/soy milk, powdered milk (if you want something shelf-stable)

Grains & carbs - cereal, crackers, chips, popcorn, toast or bagels (I’ve eaten plain bread before tbh and it kinda slaps), Oatmeal (these packets are dinosaur themed & have little sugar eggs!! - https://www.quakeroats.com/products/hot-cereals/instant-oatmeal/dinosaur-eggs)

Nuts - peanuts, peanut butter, almonds, cashews, walnuts, trail mix, etc.

Meat - deli turkey, trail bologna, spam, jerky, frozen chicken strips or nuggets, Morningstar vegetarian corn dogs, canned tuna

Eggs

Fast food or take-out is also a good option if you don’t feel like making anything yourself.

A little tip - most foods you would take on a camping or hiking trip are great! for some, all you need to do is add water & heat it up. they are usually on the expensive side, though!! here’s some I’ve found that are decent:

https://mountainhouse.com/

Things to keep on hand for particularly bad days:

⁠Boost/ensure/Soylent - liquid meals for when the idea of chewing or mixing anything is too much.

⁠disposable cutlery/bowls/utensils so you don’t have more dishes to worry about.

Multivitamins

Liquid IV, Gatorade, or some other form of electrolytes. It’s too easy to get dehydrated!

If you do have a little energy to cook or make something, here’s some ideas:

If you have a blender: frozen spinach + frozen banana + shelf stable almond milk + peanut butter makes a great smoothie.

frozen fruit + frozen spinach/kale for smoothies

Adding whey protein makes it more filling.

⁠dried pasta + jarred pasta sauce (Rao’s is low sugar and awesome, but pricey) + frozen meatballs

Boil tortellini on hand. Its as easy as boiling water. You can eat it plain, add a spoonful of pesto, sprinkle with a little olive oil or butter and some garlic salt, or pour it back in the pan after draining and add a little pasta sauce

⁠frozen fried rice + frozen stir fry veggies

⁠favorite frozen protein and veggies for sheet pan meals

⁠canned refried beans with a tortilla and some cheese to microwave, can add extra toppings too

⁠oatmeal + pb + dried fruit of choice

⁠rice cakes + pb + jam (or substitute bread if you have it)

Rotisserie chicken in a salad, soup, sandwich or wrap

Frozen salmon with some veggies

air fryer foods - chicken nuggets, tenders, fries, etc. You can also toss different vegetables (baby carrots, Brussels sprouts, etc.) in a little olive oil and throw them in there

chicken broth & frozen dumplings - you can dress it up a little with some miso, soy sauce or other seasonings. You could also add some frozen vegetables.

snack type food - a combination of canned Garbanzo beans and black olives. The olives are salty enough that you can get low sodium beans and it will still taste good.

A lot of these ideas I stole from the good people of Reddit (particularly r/depressionmeals)!Here’s the post I referenced if you’d like to look further into it:

#tw depression #food mention #depression meals #meal ideas #major depressive disorder #major depression #depressive episode #depression episode #mental heath support #mental health #mental health awareness #mental health advice #mental health and wellbeing #coping

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adhd-culture--is · 8 months

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adhd culture is having really bad depressive episodes where you can barely do anything and just feel miserable all the time and executive dysfunction and under stimulation goes crazy on you

#tw depressive episodes #cw depressive episodes #tw depression mention #cw depression mention #neurodivergent #nd #neurodivergence #neurodiverse #adhd culture is #mod durdle

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dikdikpronouncedxylophone · 7 months

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Luz Noceda in S3E1 + DSM-5-TR criteria for a Major Depressive Episode

(I know 9 is a bit of a stretch but the subtext is strong)

#the owl house #tw suicide mention #luz noceda #camila noceda #amity blight #dsm #dsm 5 #dsm 5 tr #depression #major depressive episode

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idrellegames · 1 year

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I'm sorry if this question sounds odd but will there be any dialogue options for depressed/suicidal MC? It's not like I want to kill them off with suicide, but they could use some talk and comfort. The hurtful things Aeran said in the agrument of season 2 finale is pretty much what they keep blaming themselves everyday and I wonder if my MC will have an option to confront these feelungs.

Suicide is not a theme or topic I plan to explore in this game. You are welcome to headcanon traits for your MC as you like, but it will not be reflected in the text.

This doesn't mean that the MC can't be hurting after the fight in Episode 2. It doesn't mean that they will not seek out comfort and conversation, or find a way to process their feelings. But depression and suicidal thoughts will not play a role in this.

Please be more considerate before you send messages like this to IF developers, especially those who have given no indication that their work will be tackling serious subjects like this. You don't know what's going on in their lives, or what they may be dealing with on a personal level. Bringing up something like this without any forewarning is not appropriate and crosses a major line.

Depression and suicidal ideation are not traits you can give your player character off-handedly just because they're having a bad time. It is not something you should give them to make them edgy or to make their situation more dramatic. You can't add a handful of dialogue options and call it good--this would affect the player character throughout the entire game. A single scene cannot resolve their struggles.

This is a topic that requires extreme care and thoughtfulness. Not every game that has mature subject matter is responsible for exploring it. Dropping into an author's inbox and asking they input this material in such a casual way is both callous and disrespectful.

#wayfarer #wayfarer if #cw suicide #suicide mention #depression mention #wayfarer episode 2 #wayfarer spoilers #answered

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diesoonandsuffer · 9 months

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just finished journey’s end. i knew what wesley’s arc was before starting this show but now that i’ve seen it i think it’s pretty poorly executed. i’m not talking about wil wheaton leaving the show or anything i just mean the story itself. like. okay so at the beginning of this episode he says “maybe i’m tired of living up to everyone’s expectations!” which is very reasonable. he became an ensign before ever going to the academy, all of his life he’s been told that he can do great things, he’s smart and he’s special and if he studies hard and focuses he can excel. but when he’s on the enterprise this causes him to be responsible for saving the ship multiple times as a young teenager, and also, he died once. and his time at the academy clearly combined with this pressure which lead to the incident in the first duty. so him finally coming to the realization that he wants to forge a life of his own because the one thats been placed for him is ultimately not what he wants is great! but then like, a DAY later, he’s heading off with an alien because he was told that he can do great things, he’s smart and he’s special and if he studies hard and focuses he can excel. he’s literally just given himself a different set of expectations to live up to. sure, maybe there’s a freedom in this path and the opportunity of experiencing what most people both can’t and won’t is alluring, but this isn’t a happy ending. he just jumped from one thing to the other.

i want wesley to live a mediocre life. i want him to sleep in and have messy hair, and leave it messy. i want him to shuffle his way into the kitchen and get kissed on the cheek by someone he loves. i want him to spend his day working on some little project he has going on. nothing crazy, nothing that will save the enterprise or a planet, but just something he does for fun. i want there to be no noise outside his house. i want him to decide to go to bed early, just because he can. he had more experiences before going to the academy than most people, even in the world of star trek, could have in a lifetime. i don’t want him to strive for greatness and be the most special boy in all of time and space. i want him to take a nap.

#not to mention the fact that the incident in the first duty and what happened to sito jaxa arent even mentioned in the episode #like when he started talking about how he got depressed closer to graduation i was like yeah?? bc youre a social outcast whose friend died?#and now your other friend died in a similar way?#why dont either of those situations come into play here. how does that not effect his decision #and the way that after he has the vision hes like guys its ok :)#they act like hes cured now im like babygirl you are REBOUNDING #take a minute. have some you time #anyway. whatever #wesley #tng lb #sam's thots #tng

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theshadowrealmitself · 10 months

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Was talking to my sister about how I wanted something along the lines of bojack horseman, Rick and Morty, or maybe inside job, but I didn’t wanna (re)watch those shows because I’m not in a good place mentally to watch bjh again, Rick and Morty doesn’t really have a big fandom, and I haven’t seen inside job but it doesn’t look like that one has a big fandom either

So she recommended owlhouse??

I don’t think. That falls in line with that I was asking, so I’m still taking recommendations if anyone has any

#can’t play any games because I can’t multitask and game and there’s still stuff I gotta do #so excited to play that Alice game I was given a link to tho but I gotta wait till I have more free time #owlhouse is on my list but I don’t have anything to where I can watch it on my tv #I’d have to like. figure out how to pirate it on my laptop.#and I’m using my laptop for job hunting and stuff #so if anyone has any recommendations please let me know!!#several fandoms mentioned but gonna tag this as #no fandom #the fandom part is important because I need to be able to fully immerse myself into a medium #to ignore my depressive episode #*media not medium

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