#fuck im getting angry at myself because i think i may have broken my brain so much i might try loving myself

[scaryhaven]

Yeah, don't mind me, just been walking around feeling weepy, like my hearts been ripped outta me and stomped on, I related to Ed too much in those 3 episodes, it was like being forced to look in an ugly, sad mirror that I'd had hidden away for years... I don't want to see myself nor for others to see me, it's all just very raw.

#ow #the thing is its just very bad timing cuz im not doing well and i just wanna enjoy the show but its a bit intense hopefully it lightens up #cuz my heart literally hurts thinking about them. like am i literally going to either try dating again or am i gonna... #anyway #self sabotage su!c!dal ideation and not feeling worthy of love is kinda my thing ed is coming for my brand #blackbeard #ofmd spoilers #personal #when fandom stops just being about the characters and actors but you see yourself in them and realize just how much youre hurting yourself #and i love ed he deserves happiness but i dont see that for myself? ive never done half the stuff hes done but im irredeemable? #fuck im getting angry at myself because i think i may have broken my brain so much i might try loving myself #is ofmd going to fucking fix me? im thinking... why cant i love myself like i love others. maybe it doesnt have to be so fucking severe #normally id delete this by now but no i dont care atm

[whosaskingwrites]

Fickle Love (Akaashi x Reader x Bokuto)

A/N: So this was supposed to be for Akaashi's birthday...whoops. But its here now lmao ngl I just kinda wrote with no idea in mind and this is what ended happening so yeah. Hope you enjoy and happy late birthday to Akaashi 💞

Details: 7.8 pages 2,758 words

Date: December 8th, 2020

Warnings: Mentions of poly relationships I guess, angst if you squint, Gn! Reader not really a warning but I didn't know where else to put it

Theme: Akaashi wasn't the best when it came to love. Having a habit of ignoring you and burying himself in work. Leading you to turn to Bokuto which leads to some revelations and a question for Akaashi.

Love was a fickle thing Akaashi knew. People fell in and out of love all the time so he never trusted love. He didn't want love he wanted to avoid it. Avoid the heartbreak he was positive would follow. But instead he met you a bright-eyed student in his class. It took almost nothing for you to mesh yourself into his life completely and making yourself comfortable like you belonged there.

It took even less time for you to weasel your way into his heart and make yourself comfortable. Only a year after you'd met and he asked you out deciding that love may not have been as fickle as he thought.

Four years later and he knew he had been wrong love was indeed fickle and his proof was in the sight across the street from him. There you stood hands clasped around Bokuto's as he kissed your cheek. He waved before running off and Akaashi rushed home preparing for the worst.

A few hours later you slipped through the door "Keiji? I'm home!" You called hearing the soft pads of feet come up to you. Love was fickle he knew you were going to lie when he asked his next question "Hey Y/n. What did you do today?" You suprised him though. Only after you'd gotten over the shock of being called Y/n and not darling.

"I went to lunch with Bokuto today," You said happily slipping off your coat and hanging it up. He certainly didn't expect you to be honest about what you did today. He loosened up a tad bit in response "Oh? Why?" You laughed at his question "Bo needs contact with us you know that. But you haven't been answering his calls so we went shopping and I filled him in on how you were. Afterwards I treated him to lunch as a thank you," You smiled up at him eyes bright with nothing hidden.

"Yeah? Did you guys hold hands so he wouldn't lose you?" He joked and you shook your head "He grabbed my hands at the end of lunch because I promised him I'd bring you next time," you had laughed remembering the incident. Relief flooded him then no of course you weren't cheating on him that'd be insane. You were as loyal as Bokuto was plus he couldn't keep a secret to save his life and neither could you. He relaxed as he realized how wrong he was to assume something.

"Im sorry," He said suddenly while you tilted your head in confusion. "What for?" You had asked before Akaashi leaned down and pressed a kiss to your forehead. "I forgot to give you your welcome home kiss," He rolled off casually hiding the fear he'd felt earlier. This fear had only continued to grow as the days went on but it was his fault anyway.

_______________________________________________________

"Keiji are you free today?" "No I'm busy," "Oh...Okay," 

"Keiji we haven't gone on a date in weeks!" "Im not stopping you from going out somewhere," "I want to go out with you though,"

"Keiji-" "Im busy Y/n,"

Two weeks this cycle continued as you walked to Akaashi's at home office. Two taps against the door and you opened it "Kei-" His eyes snapped up frustration was on his face but he took a breath before it faded. "What?" You sighed turning to leave again "...Im going out to lunch with Kotaro again. He says hi by the way," You left the room quickly and Akaashi blinked 'Kotaro?' Surely you meant Bokuto but there was no way you two were on a first name basis it'd only been a few days since the last lunch.

His eyes landed on the calender and he froze what had only been a few days to him was actually two weeks but still too short for a first name basis. You'd only know Bokuto for a few months and he'd known the male for years and still never used his first name.

He sighed returning to his work. He'd question you when you got back from lunch he didn't have the time to right now. Nor did he know your location so going to find you was like a needle in a haystack. A very big bustling city of a haystack and the needle being you with a slightly bigger needle in the shape of a volleyball player next to you.

He continued work for a few hours before his office door was thrown open. He expected many things when he looked up but he didn't expect Bokuto. But what got him was the fact that Bokuto was furious it was a look he'd never seen before on him. The glare he had on his face was enough to make Akaashi freeze. 

He knew Bokuto was typically happy like a dog but right now he felt fearful since now he staring down an angry German Shepard who was defending their owner. It was silent for a long moment before Bokuto spoke. "What the fuck is wrong with you?" Akaashi felt his blood turn to ice at the tone Bokuto used.

"W-what?" He cursed silently at his own stutter Bokuto would latch onto the weakness he showed. "Whats today Akaashi?" Bokuto had asked in that same icy tone. It was so razor sharp and cold that Akaashi was convinced the room cooled and ten degrees.

"...Its December 1st Bokuto-san," He elected to answer the question instead of ask why Bokuto didn't call him Keiji. Based on the mood Bokuto was displaying he didn't expect to be called Keiji. However supplying the date only seemed to rile him up more as his glare sharpened.

Akaashi shivered involuntarily at it "Are you forgetting something?" He barked out and it was then that Akaashi realized Bokuto hadn't blinked yet. "No," he was confident in the answer. Your birthday wasn't until b/d and his was in four days. Bokutos had already passed but said male wouldn't have been mad at him. Sad maybe but not mad.

"Oh really? Then tell me why Y/n is at my place crying because you forgot that today is your anniversary," Bokuto had stepped towards him in anger and Akaashi took in involuntarily step back in fear. "They're at your place?" Akaashi asked and Bokutos jaw clenched.

"Yeah. And they are going to stay there until you sort yourself out," Bokuto growled turning and slamming the door closed with enough force to crack it. Akaashi stood frozen for a few extra moments trying to regain his composure after being afraid. He shook his head as he processed Bokuto's last sentence.

No you'd always come back to him, even if a fight had broken out between him and you, you would always come back. You had to come back he was your fiancé and the wedding was going to be in the upcoming w/f/s/s so he continued to work shaking off his encounter with Bokuto that had manage to worm a tiny bit of fear back into his heart.

__________________________________________________

Akaashi didn't fully leave his office again until December 5th. He'd left it plenty of times before then but only for something quick eat or the bathroom or something to drink. In these moments he never bothered to look around the place but now on his birthday he did.

He expected to be greeted by your sparkling voice like you had done for the past four years but instead the house was silent. "Y/n?" He called out walking around the house was still perfectly clean. The last time he could recall hearing you was on the first with the vacuum running and the patter of your feet running around.

Since then he realizes the house had been silent except for his movements. As he walked into the dining room something glinted on the table in the early morning light. When he turned to look he froze there was your engagement ring. The thin band of silver sat there almost mockingly on a yellow sticky note.

He picked up the note and written on it were a few simple words. 'They aren't coming home - Bokuto' his brain filled in the missing words Bokuto had told him a few days ago "Not until I fix myself," he mumbled thumbing at the sticky in his hands. He knew what Bokuto meant he'd been borderline ignoring you for weeks to work.

Thoughts of your anniversary had left his mind but he didn't think it was that bad until right now. Forgetting had been the final nail in the coffin for you but he still had a chance. You weren't gone forever just temporarily misplaced. He rushed to shower and go buy flowers his brain running a mile a minute trying to figure out how to get you back and apologize.

He felt nervous and he was unsure of why until he remembered where you had taken up residence. Bokuto had never been scary to him, just a bright ball of happiness but the fear Bokuto had instilled in him a few days ago had lingered, and he was about to walk right into the lion's den.

__________________________________________________

He couldn't see you as he approached the door. Maybe you were tucked away upstairs or in a place the windows didn't show but he'd seen Bokuto. The male was pacing clearly on edge and definitely dangerous but Akaashi would have to face him sooner or later so with a shaking hand he knocked.

Only half a second later the door swung open and Bokuto stood there mouth set in a hard line. Akaashi fought to supress the shiver that wanted to trail up his spine. "Is Y/n here?" He asked and once again cursed himself for sounding so meek. It was just Bokuto he wouldn't hurt him the man couldn't even hurt a fly! Although that sentiment didn't hold much when he felt like he was staring down the loaded barrel of a gun.

"Yes," Bokuto answered after a few beats of silence. His eyes raked over Akaashi's form judging him and seeing if he was ready to have Y/n back. "Can I see them? I'd like to talk," He was definitely playing with fire when Bokuto looked back up at his eyes. "About what?" He asked lowly Akaashi noted that Bokuto was staying quiet which meant you had to be downstairs. "I'd like to apologize for ignoring them and forgetting our anniversary," Bokuto nodded once before swinging the door closed.

He blinked in mild suprise "Bo-Bokuto-san?" He questioned wondering where he went wrong that warranted the door being closed. He was about to knock again when the door opened revealing you. Your h/c hair was slightly messy and e/c eyes half lidded in sleep.

What Akaashi didn't like was the MSBY jersey that swallowed you figure. The number 12 emblazoned on the front and long enough to cover your thighs. He couldn't tell if you were wearing pants but he hoped you did. You never walked around his house like this unless it was after a fun night but he couldn't assume things. Not now and he especially couldn't accuse you of cheating when Bokuto was on the staircase right behind you.

He could see that the golden eyed male was poised to attack when the conversation would start heading south. You tilted your head in confusion "Hello Akaashi," You had mumbled and he did flinch then. No pet names or his first name no, you had decided on formal. "Hi darling," He whispered the pet name but you merely shook your head.

"Why are you here?" The genuine confusion on your face made Akaashi feel a lot worse about everything. "Im here to apologize and seeing as its my birthday id like my present from you to be going on one date with me," He said slowly "Please," was tacked on as an afterthought. You turned your head eyes meeting Bokuto's and Akaashi hated the jealousy that crawled up his spine when his eyes softened.

"Um actually Akaashi I wanted to talk to you about something," Your hands had balled into fists tightly gripping the hem of the shirt you wore. A nervous habit you had whenever something scared you. He felt his heart drop in response to those words and you shook your head. "No no! It's nothing bad- well I guess that depends on how you feel about it," You were quick to try and sooth him and Akaashis heart swelled at the fact that right now even if you weren't getting along you still worried about him.

He didn't even realize you had led him inside until he was on the couch. His eyes trailed over you figure as you sat across from him. The shirt rode up enough exposing part of your thigh and Akaashi could see the hem of a pair of shorts. They followed their path until his eyes rested on the new gold band around your ring finger. It was decorated in a series of small gems that were the same blue as his eyes and he took a deep breath.

"What is it?" He lightly questioned when the silence began suffocating him. Bokuto was behind him somewhere he felt the stare being burned into his back. The second this conversation possibly turned south Bokuto was ready to jump in. "Well...I was wondering how you felt about the two of us becoming um...three of us?" You looked down afterwards hands nervously ringing together.

"...three of us?" He wanted more clarification were you implying a kid or something else? You hummed meeting his eyes before they flickered to the male that was behind him 'oh' it pieced itself together then. You were implying a poly relationship with him and Bokuto. He must have been quiet for too long since your hands began rubbing at your sides.

He scrambled for an answer he knew he was unbothered by it but this was...The two of you were only a few months away from getting married and you wanted to add Bokuto into the mix? Now of all times? He took a shuttering breath as he thought.

"Well...I guess I have to call the restaurant and tell them to change the reservation for three people then," he offered a small smile and your head whipped up. "Really?" You whispered and he could only supply a nod. 

"Yeah now when I'm busy with work the both of you can harass me into taking a break," it was a poor attempt at a joke but you had laughed anyway. He heard a chuckle from behind him as well and he breathed out a sigh of relief. "Keiji are you sure? I don't wanna make you uncomfortable or anything...," you trailed off and he smiled "im sure but are you sure about Bokuto? Hes a little chaotic," He asked "Hey!" Bokuto had an immediate reaction to the accusation.

You laughed reaching out and taking his hand "So is it a fancy dinner place?" You asked as Bokuto came over to take your free hand. He watched your thumb move back and forth across Bokutos hand a comforting gesture and he noticed the minute shake of Bokuto's hand. Unconsciously he reached out with his free hand and took Bokuto's which seemed to startle him slightly as wide gold eyes met his.

Akaashi gave a light squeeze and Bokuto settled with a sigh. "Its the restaurant I originally proposed at so yeah I'd go with fancy," he answered after a second. "You're making me get dressed up for your birthday dinner? Despicable really," you dramatically sighed and he found himself laughing. "Well I suppose we don't have to go since you've already given me the best present I could ask for today," He smiled tilting his head to the side and looking at Bokuto who was sitting cross-legged on the floor with a look of concern on his face.

"You alright Bo?" He looked up at the unfamiliar nickname eyes meeting Akaashi's once again. "M'fine just...I don't own a suit," He said quietly. The silence that stretched afterwards for a long moment before you broke it. "Kotaro what do you mean you don't own a suit you're a professional athlete!" "It wasn't an issue until now!" He shouted back love was fickle yes but as he watched you and Bokuto interact he knew

It was fickle but he wouldn't trade it in for anything.

#haikyu #haikyu x reader #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu!! #whosaskingfluff #akaashi x reader #koutarou bokuto #keiji akaashi #bokuto x reader #bokuto fluff #akaashi fluff

[anothertimdrakestan]

Burn (Tim Drake x Reader) angst????

Words: 1.6k

Req: Hello!! May I request Tim x reader angst?? The song “Burn” from Hamilton is stuck in my head so why not put it into context with Tim cheating on reader?? Thanks and bring on the pain..

omg i love this song and im shit at angst but you only get better from trying right??? so lmk how i did i tried lmao hope you enjoy!

You dove into Bart’s chest as the tears began falling. “Just say it’s not true, say I’m wrong. Just say it” you clutched the fabric of his shirt while he stayed silent, his arms rubbing your back. “I- we- we all thought you guys were over I didn’t realize I would’ve said something but he was so secretive” Bart murmured while you let the sobs wrack your body. 

“All the nights he didn’t come home from the tower he was with her?” You began, pushing Bart away while you felt like tearing your hair out. “Every time he left me on read he probably wasn’t even the person I was texting” you continued spitting out the words in such a way that Bart was flinching at your delivery. “And now, when he needs a fucking reason to be out of Gotham he’s on a trip with her? Just leaving me here like it’s nothing? Like everything we had was just a fun little power trip for him?” you were yelling by now. 

“No- I mean yeah, Tim’s an idiot. But maybe it’s not true, maybe you just need to talk to him or something” Bart piped up, your head whipped around. “Yeah? Who am I gonna talk to? Mr. Taking My New Girlfriend On A Getaway Trip? You know he didn’t take me anywhere. Months. I begged for a day together and he was just too busy. He’s not too busy for her though, clearly she’s everything I’m not.” your anger was seeping from you slowly, the realization that every time he told you he was yours he was probably sharing rooms at the tower with her. “god FUCK how long has this been going on? It’s been like a month since he moved in to the tower- dammit! My friends told me this long distance bullshit doesn’t work but ‘oh y/n we’re perfect it’ll be fine! I’ll fly home all the time! We can call every night’ that turned out great didn’t it.” you felt the hot angry tears get replaced with the slow rolling tears that reminded you once again you weren’t good enough to be kept around.

“Do you- maybe- wanna talk to him?” Bart was clearly terrified of you but you appreciated his help. “B, what good is that gonna do? You know Tim as well as- better than me. He’ll give me a shitty excuse that it was ‘for the greater good’ or that I’m ‘just looking at it wrong’ you know he’s better with words than either of us he could run- dammit he has run circles around me like a fucking toy” you had begun scrolling through your phone wondering how many texts got copied and pasted to another text thread with someone he probably cared about more than you.

“So, what are you gonna do then?” Bart had sat next to you on the floor, letting you rest your head on his shoulder while you scrolled through text after text noticing every red flag or lazy text. “Y/n that’s not good to be looking at, you’ve gotta block him or something” Bart whispered, staring at your screen probably reading every message in slow motion. 

“It’s not just the messages I’ll be blocking” you whispered, letting the seething anger slide back in. In what Bart would describe as almost super human speed you began the descent to freedom, blocking, unfollowing, and deleting almost everything that was reminiscent of you and Tim. Then you got to your main instagram account. “Fuck it” you whispered, unfollowing him knowing that tabloids would be starting the smear campaign now. 

It felt like a weight had been lifted off your shoulders at an immeasurable price- the price of heartbreak which you’ll be indebted to for a long time. 

~a week later~

“I have really got to buy myself some damn pajamas” you groaned to yourself, pushing down the little lovesick demon in your head that was telling you it was okay to keep sleeping in Tim’s hoodies and sweats because maybe he’ll apologize and you can take him back and be in love again and- not gonna happen. The celebrity magazines had been lurking near your apartment for days now, waiting to hear the newest gossip and find out what truly happened as you’d been radio silent- only adding to the interest of the paparazzi. As you realized you had to go outside today you prepared yourself for the onslaught of questions. 

“Y/N L/N WHAT’S GOING ON WITH YOU AND MR. DRAKE-WAYNE?” “MISS Y/N WHY THE UNFOLLOW?” “HAVE YOU BEEN SEEING HIS RECENT POSTS? WHO IS THE MYSTERY GIRL?” you cringed at the last question, reminding yourself that his actions didn’t matter as he hadn’t truly been a part of your life for months. 

Before you could get into the black SUV waiting for you, you were stopped and trapped until you spoke into the microphone in front of you. “Anything you can give us on Tim Drake-Wayne and you?” you took a small breath, willing yourself to stay calm. “I’m sorry I simply just don’t know who that is” you smiled between your words, using the confused moment on the questioner’s face to slip into the car and drive off, finally letting you exhale the breath you’d been holding in. 

~two weeks later~

You almost threw up at the sound of a once familiar knock on your door. 

“Y/n, y/n I know you’re here let me in we’ve gotta talk” his voice pleaded from your hallway. After three deep breaths and promises to yourself to stay strong you opened the door. Tim looked normal, it was horrible. You had been fighting to look that normal and were barely holding together but here he was, wearing the shirt he wore the night he told you he loved you with the ever present stern look like nothing had ever gone wrong. He moved to come inside but you blocked his path. “We can talk out here. I don’t have much to say” you hissed, watching him sheepishly back off. “Y/n I just wanted a chance to explain and give my side and-” you cut him off. “Apologize. You’re here to apologize and if you aren’t you’d better leave now” you were screaming and sobbing and melting down internally but you held your composure. 

“Well, yeah, that too. But also we need to issue a public statement because yaknow it’s kinda been going so fast and I think if we could just sit down and work everything out we could stay on better terms because I am so sorry love” you flinched against your own will at the familiar nickname. You took a second to remind yourself that he was again just using his words to get the better of you, you were not going to fall for the same trick twice. “There’s no statement Tim, I’m not clearing your name or coming to your side- hell, I’m going to go work with fucking lexcorp so you won’t even have to worry about seeing me at the office. You and I are separate entities, you broke that relationship when you began the lies and the goddamn cheating, there’s no public statement I’d make that would put you in a better light you’re lucky as hell that this is all I’m saying got it?” you watched him flinch at your words and against all your control you could feel your body begging you to hug him and kiss away the pain like you’d done for months on months. 

“Y/n I want to apologize, I should’ve never- it- it was a lapse in judgement but I want to make it right” Tim pleaded, you watched his facade falter, like he truly felt sorry. “That’s great Tim, I’ll try to remember that when I remember all the nights you said you were stuck at the tower with work when you were with her okay? Sound good? You have a good one okay?” you feigned a smile, shutting the door and crumpling to the ground. 

You let yourself cry silently, burying your head in your hands. Your heart was heavy, it had been learning to beat on it’s own now, not to the beat of Tim’s and it hurt. But it was done? Not really. Not when you’re in the public eye, running a business that would eventually have to work with Wayne Ent. it wouldn’t ever truly be over. Your body was practically turning in on itself, your throat burning as you held in sobs, refusing to let anyone know how deeply this wound would scar. A scar so jagged and deep you feared if would keep your heart permanently broken. 

So how does it end? Because this was supposed to be the closure everyone said you needed. Where you give him a slap in the face for hurting you, telling him to ‘fuck off’ and instantly the pain subsides. But the pain was so intense and raw nothing felt soothing anymore. In a span of weeks you’d lost friends, hell- you’d lost family, and you’d lost love. Because no matter how hard you try to pry the words he said from your brain they creep back in. Nights when he’d call you from the Tower and explain how much he missed you and how perfect you were, days when you got texts about how he missed kissing every inch of your face, memories of the beautiful moments you’d had together that you figured you’d be telling your kids about. Those don’t just die with the relationship. They fester and they boil into your skin, they run through your veins, they flash in your head, reminding you that even when you gave every ounce of love you could muster you still weren’t enough. That’s what will forever stick. So it doesn’t every truly end does it?

Because you can’t burn away scares without leaving a deeper wound. And your wounds were deeper than you could fathom. Your wounds had just simply broken you. 

Tim Drake had broken you. 

So how the fuck do you get fixed?

#this makes me cringe but i tried so it is what it is #tim drake #tim drake x reader #tim drake x y/n #tim drake x you #tim drake x civilian!reader #tim drake angst #bart allen #batboys #batfam #dc angst #tim drake x fem!reader #red robin #red robin x reader #dc fanfic #tim drake fanfic #batfamily #batman #teen titans #titans tower

[bookofmariokingofmaiami]

This is the second time making this post because i am angry as fuck because for some reason when I added the names it didn't save so I'm doing this shit again 

Hey! I had a stupendus idea, the past few days I've gathered a bunch of mitten squad quotes and captain sauce quotes

Soooo, I'll put wich book of mario characters would say each quote and we'll see what happens

Yes I know 99% of the mitten squad quotes is gonna be bolivia and carbon

Also, some quotes reference characters and locations, so I'll put an [ ] with what I think the book of mario counterpart would be

MITTEN SQUAD SEGMENT 

Lewis:"I have successfully turned an ordinary kitchen utensil into the most valuable fork in the known universe, no one man should have this kind of power, but I am not mortal man, as a sexualy identity as a big rock being thrown into the ocean"

Princess of peaches, talking about 1 TEC-20"The robot wasn't able to pick the lock and I lacked the fire power to blow the bitch open" 

Marc:"I left a broom there too so my bucket wouldn't be lonely"

Carbon:"Calm down vegetarians I am talking about animals in video games, animals in real life matter way less"

Barney one:"Killing it isn't the hard part, the hard part is getting away from the explosion of the goddamm Nagasaki bomb strapped up its ass that was rigged to explode once it died"

Bolivia:"Todd Howard [barbie], even in death you find a way to fuck me"

Bolivia:"We came back to the little shit with the ant problem and killed most of the ants, I left one alive for the boy, either he becomes a man or that ant will have a very good day" 

Goomb:"Me brain fixed gud no hurt no more"

Marc:"Picked up trash for the make a wish kid"

Bolivia, talking about maria:"Because she hits like a bull with down syndrome and has the personality of a piece of plywood"

Belize:"You might be wondering, who is the boy and who is the girl? I won't give it away but I will say this, the knife is a whore"

Maria:"I had armor, i had supplies, i had pockets full of room temperature tomatos"

Bolivia:"For some reason I thought that stupid the horse v2 could fly, bad decision on my part"

Carbon:"For some reason this shrapnel character had 200 BB's, what a weirdo, who caries around 200 BB's?, anyway, I talked to daddy and brought my 300 BB's and headed off to clear off the Jefferson memorial"

Goverman::"Get a juice box and strap on your helmet, because we're going to hell"

Carbon:"I punched a puppy to death"

Marc:"My iq is similar to that of a 14 year old block of cheese"

Lewis:"Theres an oxygen exhaust pipe, the second best tipe of pipe to suck on to keep yourself alive, for those who need hand holding, that was not a drug reference, this is a family friendly channel, it was a suicide joke"

Bolivia:"I got an amazing slow motion shot of dogmeat getting fucked to death by a nuclear warhead"

Maria:"My only option was to become a vampire, wich sucked"

Bolivia:"But just as when like how every virtual dog goes to hell when it dies, what the fuck does that even mean?"

Carbon:"I took advantage of a unconscious military officer and beat him to death"

Barney one:"Nothing else says more victory than overdosing on drugs after a war"

Prof. Ceasar reality:"And decided to go to the much bigger and much more research facility x-13 research facility facility center, WHAT? I think I had a stroke"

Bolivia:"Used more than 3% of my frag mines to blow up a dog"

Carbon:"The last few coursers ran for their non existence lives and I went after them because I'm not letting anyone get away, one got away"

Maria:"I got a warning saying that nuka world is intended for those level 30 or above, Mathematics show us that me being lv11 is close enough to lv30"

Carbon:"Killed a pain-maker and got a glimpse into the big G in the sky who manifested himself as a fire axe floating in the air, this voodoo shit has no place in zion so I chopped of the pain-maker's legs and arms so If there is an afterlife he will be a cripple in hell for all eternity"

Goverman:"Its head turned into jelly, I threw its egg down into the nightmare bellow, and then I jumped after it"

Carbon:"A herd of big hornets paid the ultimate price for being alive"

Goverman:"Used his gun to turn off a woman"

Maria:"Me being the player can't open the door, theres a know you have to twist it its a whole process"

Goverman explained why maria survived the fall:"One of them belonged to God and refused to die"

Goombell, talking about hoko saba:"The dragon I pretended to not exist a few minutes ago is one of my mom's friend's kids so I had to play with him even tho he's weird"

Belize:"There was no hamster's luck in a garbage disposal chance that I would follow this giant fuck all the way to the cit ruins"

Lewis:"Along the way i saved a shopping cart from drowning and returned it to its family"

Prof. Ceasar reality:"Its about 24 million cheez its away from New vegas"

Bolivia:"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to bedworld"

Carbon:"With enough notches in my pistol to spell psychopath in braille"

Gooverman:"I spie with my little eye a ville whore who deserves to die, I cleaved her back in half with my stick and what I saw was glorious"

Maria?:"Its kinda like playing the floor is lava, but you can't see the lava and instead of burning to death you turn into a vegetable"

IDK"I hid from Ringo by hiding in ringo"

Bolivia:"The plate worked as well I thought it would, wich means it didn't work"

Bolivia:"There was a 3 for 1 discount on dead raiders if you use the promo code granade at checkout"

Belize:"The only explanation is that has a 5th appendage wich he pulls out on special occasions, wich probably isn't the case, we all know elmo doesn't pull out"

Goomb:"You don't need those things, Jesus got trough his life without any guns"

Goombape:"When i played it as a children"

Barbie:"Its like how you don't know if your life has any meaning until you die and see your score"

Belize:"This was the most stealth oriented part of the game by a metric mile"

Bolivia:"I stripped him naked, talked with Elliot [lewis] whose face bothered me for some reason,Talked with the samurai[maria], talked with red dead redemption [barney one]"

Carbon:"Some idiot spilled red paint on the clouds"

Bolivia:"Before traveling with the wizard, I spent some time pestering earnie with the prospect of friendship, by walking back and forth in front of him, making him think i wanted to talk to him just for me to keep on walking,I was voted the quietest guy I high-school and I know how loud earnie is screaming inside his head right now, it's kinda fun to be in this side of it :) ,also this isn't related to the video in any way, I just wanted to make it known that i have a sealed copy of elmos letter adventure for Nintendo 64 and you don't"

Maria:"I knew I could use that as a lighthouse of sorts in order to cast myself further into the ocean until i drowned in my own disappointment"

Goombell:"Vulpes[carbon] was adopted, his mother is both infertile and imaginary"

Belize:"Being alone is mental, you can be surrounded by friends family laughs and love on Christmas morning and still be alone in your head"

Bolivia:"I acted in self defense by committing various war crimes"

Carbon:"My throwing spears were broken and wouldn't fly,stupid fucking game" 

Bolivia:"That wasn't a lie, it just wasn't the truth"

Maria:"If there's anything Shaun b knows to do is die"

Boombell:"The number of bear traps I activated for sexual reasons turned my angles into a fine powder"

Goverman:"Where the grass is green and the air is even greener"

IDK"I consulted a doctor who flucked out of medical school and followed his advice by killing myself"

Belize:"Being a futuristic[X-nauti], nazi dominated world version of polly poc,etc it has its own set of drawbacks"

Marc:"They're mass effect 3 of fallout 3's 5th dlc, I've never played mass effect"

Lewis:"Who loves their father like how their brother loves his mother's sister"

Carbon:"Like most existential crises it went away after I killed somebody"

Carbon:"If you're wraped in chains and dropped into an empty bathtub to drown, a snorklew won't save you"

Goombape:""A wise man once said "hi! Jeanie may's here"  and he's right, there has to be a better way""

Browser:"After it took 3 grown man to kidnap a baby with a gun"

goldbob:"The lever action gun riffle can kill a mutant in a single shot if you land a shot that can kill it in one hit"

Maria:"Its 2020, Noone wants to use their hands anymore"

Bolivia:"Before journeying into more death, some jackass hit me with a granade and killed me, not the explosion, the granade bouncing off my soon to be corpse is was what made me dead"

Belize:"Some Neanderthals gave me their bullets to hold in a pretty rude way >:("

Princess of peaches:"Im not worried about offending blind people, it's not like they'll be watching this"

Carbon:"30 seconds is longer than you'd think, ask anyone whose been on fire"

Lewis:"I was as useful as a comatose toddler with a nerf gun at pearl harbor"

Goomb:"I also poused the challenge to satisfy the curiosity of mine regarding the birds in the sky that Don real because birds aren't exist"

Marc:"Any doctor worth their weight in styrofoam cups can fix a leg with their feet"

Bolivia:"I had me a silenced weapon, but I didn't account for today being his birthday, this changes everything, so I shaped for hollow point"

Carbon:"Maybe if Steve earlin had a gun instead of a snorklew he'd still be alive today"

Marc:"It took me 30 minutes and 3 phone calls to get my food because I'm too much of a pussy to go outside at 10 o'clock at night while drunk in a Christmas sweater after news year to steal my own food of one my neighbors doorstep"

Maria:"We've got rogue, tank dampse, and squidword"

Lewis;"And they're no joke, but I am, I am the big joke and my body is the punchline"

Bolivia:"I got mentally Nagasaki'd by this guy at the stables"

IDK"And went outside where Victor is unhappy with me, after killing Victor, Victor came out of the lucky 38 to avenge victor" 

Bolivia:" i shot a kid, i sent that little bitch to the moon"

Sushiya,  testing her products:"The door was of its axis, a plate was misbehaving on the chair, a cattle was dancing on the table like the whore she is"

Carbon:"And went shopping for dead bodies, they weren't in stock,  but i know a guy who knows a guy who could help me out, both of those guys are me"

Bolivia:"Now vault yosh is I your head too, and he won't be going anywhere"

Maria's son:"As much of a monster that I look like, I think it's gonna work"

Sushiya:"But you know what they say, imagination is what happens when annoyance meets drug use"

Carbon:"If they're stupid enough to be in my way they might as well be my enemy"

Goverman:"But the slippery bastard was too clever, he walked around it, I didn't even know that such a maneuver was even possible"

IDK"Homeland security at this point has yet to be impregnated by a sentient barrel of oil"

Bolivia:" if I drunkenly put a giant hole on my sink with a goddam coffee cup imagine what I could do with a gun"

Belize:"Got ambushed in the freezer while searching for chicken nuggets"

Goverman:"But the fucken bullet Williams come flying out of fucking nowhere"

Maria:"The next second you're in a universe where everything that exists is the sick bastard child of a drunken fuckfest between a pin screen and a light brush"

Bolivia:"Ask the cashier if they have a granade, if they say no, say nothing for a few seconds, put a big smile, put your hands on theirs and quietly ask, would you like one?"

Sean hampton:"Can't do anything until I have my arms around a fat man"

Barbie:"The premise of this run is that I have no arms and I must dab"

Maria's son:"I told you before that I was a genetic disaster"

Bolivia:"And in that cabin, theres some west Virginian mountain folk who are so deep in incest that one of them somehow managed to be his own father"

Bolivia:"Can you hear that? It's…. It's an air conditioner! And it's so fucking anoying, aw no I hurt it's feelings :( "

Goverman:"He could probably put the end of his musket inside his mouth, pull the trigger and still miss"

Barney one:"The big beaver ended his life in stile, he even made a summersault into the afterlife"

Goverman:"Im a good Christian boy,  I'll save my ammo for my suicide"

Carbon:"I am not Cinderella, I'm a parasite"

IDK"I played with a doggy too, it used the flesh on my arm as a chew toy, and I booked his nose with a nuclear newspaper to show that that kind of thing isn't allowed in the mitten squad household"

Sean hampton:"The crusable is a magical weapon like divorce papers, capable of tearing everything it comes across in half"

Barbie:"The curse of grandma sparkle managed to reach me all the way in hell"

Barney one:"If you are gonna get a cat, you might get a gun aswell"

Belize:"Corn on the Joe sat back not helping his brother's"

Carbon:"I bought 24 regular bullets,28 hollow points, and 60 that need to wear a helmet"

Bolivia:"After the squad died I had to content with the leftovers, the scraps, statically speaking the majority of what remained"

Lewis:"What I need to face is like a toddler with a learning disability, that would be fair"

Carbon:"I took both left eyes of this dead guy "

Carbon:"It took longer to pull out the Esther than it took of kill the general"

Sushiya, while high:"Deeper inside shit got weird, i killed a giant skeleton right? Nothing weird about that, but then his body just kinda danced in place really slowly, I tought speeding up time would fix it, that was a massive fucking mistake, and changing time back to normal was an even bigger mistake, he'll be hunting me until I die, but until then he'll still be dancing"

CAPTAINSAUCE SEGMENT 

Carbon:"They're old, how hard can it be to turn them into blueberry jam and ram them into the grass"

Belize:"I guess if you do electrocute a tank enough it would just explode"

Boliviz:"Id have a better chance of finding a snowball down here than winning a coin toss"

Marc:"How does my Christmas lights break to a stiff breeze but these ones are practically terminators"

Barney one:"I never tought id see the day where I would have to hire a sniper to assassinate a troublesome light bulb but here we are "

Lewis:"I get the feeling if you try to milk a minotaur then you're gonna be its wife"

Sushiya:"In the history of mankind do you think we've ever seen a snake fight an octopus?"

Goverman:"Lets see if you can wobble your way trough the grim reaper" [the grim being carbon]

Goldbob:"Its a steaming pile of something ill tell you that much"

Goverman:"He died? How! Did he have an allergic reaction to the sun?"

Goomb:"Michelangelo is Swiss cheese and where good to go"

Bolivia:"It really looks like I'm taking a sharpened stick to a bazooka fight"

Maria:"HOW DID I GO FROM FIGHTING AN OCTOPUS IN A SUIT TO WW3???"

Princess of peaches, talking about 1TEC-20:"Im playing pictionary with a blind robot"

maria:"Theres on the nose dialogue and then there's punch you in the nose dialogue"

Bolivia,  talking about barney one:"This lady looks like her father was half refrigerator"

IDK"Im supposed to sabotage the mail missile assembly line but it looks like someone got here before me"

Belize?:"And the ghosts of previously murdered pianos???"

Maria:"Im getting outsmarted by puppets"

Bolivia:"After careful deliberation with my associate we've come to the conclusion that the local government must have Removed all quarters from circulation,  the laundromat went under and before you know it the entire society fell into nudism and then anarchy "

Carbon?:"This is like the hunger games of sesame street"

IDK"Im a weird shotgun santa"

Garlic?:"Oh damm! CTHULO IS THICC"

Krump:"What kind of interdimensional time traveling toilet is this?"

Carbon:"Wheater it be cultural appropriation or demonic abomination,  i don't realy care im just gonna try to hit it with a pee bucket" 

Carbon:"THIS IS THE MEDIEVAL RUSSIAN VERSION OF DRIVING INTO BATTLE WITH A TANK BUT SHOOT PEOPLE WITH A BB GUN"

Belize::"I DIDN'T KNOW GRANNY WAS TAKING GRAVEDIGGER TO CHURCH THIS MORNING" 

Goombell:"This isn't a bridge its just the worlds weakest motorcycle trebuchet "

Bolivia:"Oh hellow mr berry"

Carbon:"Giant alien space worm 2020, make America worm poop again"

Bolivia:"When did snuffy[barney one] decide to judas me and join the hobbits?[origamis]"

Lewis:"Theres a surprisingly high amount of chickens in this map and a dramatic lack of eggs"

Bolivia:"Im pretty sure we've sent the first claim to the moon"

Maria:"And yet I'm forced to defend myself from stuff like bloodthirsty scp's using nothing but uncooked t-bone stake, I mean technically its doable but it doesn't make It any less ridiculous"

Barbie:"What's the point of a metal detector if literally everyone here has somekind of cybernetic, like I swear to God If I walk trough here aND you guys start pounding the shit out of me just because I got a couple of extra inches of robo-dong IM GONNA BE PISSED"

Bolivia:"Everyone's wearing slick black suits meanwhile I look like somebody skinned a couch from the 70s"

Sushiya:"Is this bacon flavored weed or weed flavored bacon?"

Sean hampton:"Do you think that Darth Vader ever had to deal with a rebel or a henchmen who was into getting chocked? Like starts force checking them and they tell him to go harder?"

Koopley:"I was stabbed to death by a naked man with a spear and my arm is perpetually running"

Koop kotu:"So I'm crazy enough to be locked behind bars but not crazy enough to think I can fly*

Bolivia:"Usually spooders have 8 arms not 8 abs"

Carbon:"I just bludgeoned Jesus to death with a stick of meat, I'm guessing he's gonna be back in a couple of days he's gonna be looking for me so we'll start running now"

Carbon:"Im done with words, shooty goody time"

Maria?:"Id have a better time cutting down bushes then these strange little robo hobits"

Belize:"Dad this is not the time to be dancing with crabs!"

Maria:"Thats my little brother, who has a fully posable deny devito action figure,I've always been jealous of that one"

Bolivia:"The turns are tabbleling"

Maria, talking about barbie:"She's not exactly the brightest tool at the picnic"

Belize:"Are you kidding me mom? Realy?, you were the one that said you're sick of seeing donkey kongs donkey dong"

Maria:"I have no idea what was in that Wonster energy drink that made him go master roshe style"

Bolivia:"I want to file a complaint against Stacy [belize] for T-posing to assert Dominance over me"

Marc:"Believe it or not dangling a padlock the size of a shoebox from a doorknob does as much work as I want to"

Caesar reality:"You can never have too many rotten floor bananas"

Carbon:"Poisoning your boss is probably not the best way to skip work, but ya boy gotta do what he has to do"

Goverman:"I'll take nicknames of my penis for 300$ alex"

Starvinden?:"I guess we'll just leave you in your special sarcophagus mr tutan-deez-nuts"[browser]

Lewis:"I've been skipping work for 2 weeks now and I'm starting to think that my computer isn't even plugged in"

Bolivia, talking to maria:"Your suit smells like a wet fart and your mouth smells like a ashtray"

Bolivia:"If anyone needs me I'll be on the insane asylum,  why am I caressing a mannequin on top of a boat?"

Carbon:"Would you like to hang yourself or be crucified? Dealers choice!"

Bolivia talking about carbon:"He's doing something ingenious probably diabolical……..or he's dressed as a panda"

Marc:"We should really pay for security around here not only are people breaking in there is also a giant spine breaking chickens"

Maria to Bolivia:"You are very angry at that stake"

Sushiya, after using its products:"I wonder why was I twerking at the office statue"

IDK"WHY IS THERE A GIANT NAKED MAN IN THE LOCKER CHOCKING ME TO DEATH WITH A CHAIN??!!!"

goombell:"I guess we're gonna leave the cookie monster dildo in the locker"

Sean hampton, to Maria:"My love for you is like diarrhea, sometimes I just can't hold it in"

Bolivia:"You're watching me In a Google video platform playing a game from a Google gaming platform that was translated using Google translate, if this isn't a dystopian future I don't know what is"

Bolivia?:"I couldn't have predicted the run after her like a velociraptor made out of pool noodles"

Lewis:"Jumping Jack neighbor help me!"

Bolivia:"Bread! There's no bread,there's your bread! That's a cookie God dammit"

Belize:"So I can be invited to the worlds saddest birthday party"

Maria:"I guess we're playing ring around the Rosie till I lose his dumb ass"

Carbon:"If you see jehovah's witness you tell them to eat shit"

Bolivia:"HOW CAN YOU AFFORD A GUARD BIRD AND NOT A DOOR STOP?"

Bolivia::"For my shopping list I need to find a floppy disk with a s, but for the distraction I could use a floppy dick with sunglasses and a tie"

Carbon:"I really hoped that your little bird bath had a couple inches of water so I could steal a tiny toaster to throw it in with you"

Belize::"Its pretty safe to say Mr voice bad Benjamin good, but we just saw Benjamin talk with the grim reaper and pull around a cart wich is about the size of a child's body"

Goombell:"She may have a crush on the interdimensional death fox"

Maria:"Its like the herpes of craft supplies"

Barney one:"Everyone wants to split checks for keano Reaves, even if they're a 10ft dragon made out of logos and seizures what is going on right now?"

Sushiya, high, again:"When I dilapidated the banana and poked the mayo's brain then had an indept conversation with the strawberry cocoon did bread get arrested? I didn't see the police come by, that would make sense because the alcoholic cat ran away"

Carbon:"IF THEY HAVE AN ASS TO PULL PUNS OUT OF THEY HAVE TO HAVE A BRAIN TO THINK THEM UP"

Goombell:"I think I graduated for the university of food torture"

Well, this is all, took some time but it's here, hope you enjoyed

Frequent reblogers

<《{[(@boom-fanfic-a-latta )]}》>

<《{[( @gumdorp )]}》>

PLEASE REBLOG!

#funny #mario #paper mario #book of mario #bolivia #mary #barbie the bob omb #1000 infernal air sleeves #quotes #captainsauce #mitten squad #paul #goomb #goverman #goombell #carbon

[iwilleatratfood]

happy holidays fellers heres my review of the newest madhouse post

long ass post that deals with abuse and a very thinly veiled death threat, read at your own caution

TW Abuse

im not gonna go too grammar insane as a writer especially since a lot of pokemon grammar is hotly contested. however like in the second paragraph lily makes a pretty obvious tense error lmfao. theres tons of little ones scattered around. obviously not proofread lol

“She didn’t know, Bonnie. This lady…” G racked her brain, looking for a way to communicate the problem in a way Bonnie would understand. “…She was kinda like the Sun.”

Bonnie prickled, her face contorting into pure, unadulterated horror. “BUT THE SUN IS PURE EVIL!” She made it very clear to the entire household how little favor she had of the sun, the bright thing in the sky that always made her head hurt.

was this necessary? this may surprise you lily but the people reading madhouse have basic reading skills. you dont have to explain this to us like we’re three. 

“Your Mom wouldn’t let her split us up, though. It was the one thing she refused to cave on,” she continued. “And the lady got more and more angry over not controlling her completely. So one Christmas, she broke your Mom’s heart more than it had ever been broken.” G’s mind flooded with memories of that day. The aftermath of what was supposed to be a cheerful getaway christmas vacation for Lily and her then fiance. G awoke one night to find that Lily had come home earlier than expected bawling her eyes out on the couch. The look of absolute despair on the face of her lifelong friend. The things she spoke of. It still made G’s blood boil over ‘the last one’.

first off this shouldn’t be one paragraph if you want your readers to not immediately skip over it. the reason why authors like david foster wallace use it in books like infinite jest is to create prose that is painful and hard to look at. i dont think that was your intent.

second, i made a post on this shit and deleted it before lizzy told her side of the story because i wanted to not come off as a complete asshole. but i really dont care anymore. 

putting your real life relationship problems, about a person whos accused you of sexual coercion (bc lets not mince words here, that’s what it is) is literally one of the lowest things you could do. this isn’t for “healing”, this is trying to weaponize your fanbase to harass your ex.

“You were going to have to tell her eventually,” G argued as she took a step back and glanced at Mikaila and Ginger, who had both clued in to the conversation and were looking at her disapprovingly. “What?”

“Yeah, but not when she’s still so small and baby,” Lily pouted before going back to comforting Bonnie. “It’s okay, sweetie. The last one is gone and she’s never coming back. Mommy is much happier now that she’s gone. It’s okay.”

“Then Momma will eat her,” Lily said with a warm smile.

“Oh don’t call me Momma!” G groaned.

Lily snickered. “Your Godmom will eat her.”

“That’s better,” G huffed. “And yes, I will. I’ll bury every fang in her sternum. I’ll purge her evil from the world with the unstoppable power of my digestive tract.”

hm wonder why this couldn’t make it into a comic. wonder why it couldnt be put to a visual medium right after lizzy’s twitlonger. hmmmm

“Was G like this when you guys were little?” Ginger asked.

“Sort of? When we were little, G’s psychic powers were still developing so she couldn’t really read people as effectively,” Lily explained. “And since we were both little, we had little kid things to worry about. Telling Bonnie about Kirsten only made her understand the feelings she picks up better. That’s why we have to be careful what we tell her.”

ok again with the past tense shit. i noticed this before and im starting to get annoyed. if this is happening now and its not a memory, use the present tense speaking verbs ffs.

my real point here is why is this a pokemon work. like whats the point of having G be a pokemon or this taking place within the canon universe. this is a ultimate flaw with a lot of sentient pokemon works, so lily you’re not exactly special here, but i feel like recently its become more glaring.

 if all the pokemon act like humans and are sentient like humans, why are they owned by them? if i made G a sentient alien and removed all the pokemon shit, not a whole lot would change, and thats a fucking problem if ur making a work within that universe.

“I look forward to it every year,” G smiled as she hugged Bonnie tightly.

Ginger turned a smirk back to Lily. “So it’s like an anniversary?”

“It’s not an anniversary!” Lily exclaimed, wheeling around with pursed lips. “Why do the two of you always go there?”

if pokemon/human is morally wrong stop teasing it in your work.

“Why not?” Bonnie pouted.

“Because… dear lord, how do I explain this to a baby?” Lily let her head fall back against the couch.

“Because it would make both of us unhappy,” G explained as she ran her fingers through Bonnie’s hair.

Bonnie blinked, looking up at her Godmother in complete and utter bewilderment. “What do you mean?”

G bit the inside of her cheek slightly as she took a moment to consider her next words. “Well… a lot of reasons really,” she started. “A big reason is If she and I were together, I would only want to have her all to myself. Your mom isn’t like that. She needs to share her love with everyone she feels it for. She’d have to give that up just to appease my insecurities. Mikaila and Ginger wouldn’t be here to spend time with you or tell you fun stories.”

so why is G still here if she would be so abusive and controlling?

rest of the post is boring and not worth my time to review but seriously. why is this a pokemon story  still, why is this G even with lily still after how controlling and obsessive she’s been in the past... typical questions that come up whenever new madhouse is posted.

and like. holy shit for a “damn good writer” lily cannot fucking seem to follow basic writing rules and/or basic grammar. even i know this shit, and i consider myself a writer that needs to improve. tons of basic tense shit that grammarly will hit you for, a fundemental lack of understanding on how fucking dialogue is formatted, and just massive paragraphs that need to be broken up so the reader can actually read the shit your posting.

merry christmas, i will be reviewing the next post as well. 

#lily orchard #poke madhouse

[chaotic-noceur]

regarding pragma.

read it here

Dear @softpedropascal

wow this took so much longer than I thought it would whoops.

So, first off- HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! I hope you have the bestest day ever cuz you deserve it!

I’m incapable of forming coherent thoughts so um...here’s a cumulative post of my running commentary because my binge reading plans got disrupted so this seemed... neater? Idk. anyways, here you go. 

Part 1

No matter how many meetings and mediations you two went through, he still found a reason to keep dragging this out.

I read this as ‘meetings and meditations’ and was very confused for a sec 😂

That hat. You got him that hat. He still wore it?

omg u gave the hat a backstory. adkgadflhg 😍

He was tempted. God, was he tempted, but he shook his head and stood up straight. 

This just. Yes. We love a respectful man. 

I love all the little hints that you’re dropping about the reader and Frankie’s backstory. 

⫷⫸ ⫷⫸ ⫷⫸

Part 2

He told himself long ago that be would never forgive her for what she did,

WHAT DID I DO OMG.

“Can’t you, I dunno, sign for him?” he asked.

😂😂Frankie. Sweetheart. Who do you take me for? I can’t forge someone’s signature. I don’t have the skills for that. 

There was a reason he didn’t say goodbye. He was afraid to. He was afraid that if he said them again, he would have to go another five years without seeing her. Or has it been longer?

mY hEaRt

Pope and and Frankie’s ENTIRE interaction. 😍 I love that he can see right through Frankie’s bs, loves him anyways but will give it to him straight. 

He was too busy thinking about how if he had gotten his shit together, he could be living here with her, taking walks to his favorite lake every day.

asdfgadfkglhdf!!! Boo it ain’t all your fault 😢 (or is it 😏)

It’s funny how the simplest touch can cause the most complex feelings—feelings that he had sworn he buried deep inside of him somewhere. It was a complicated thing trying to be angry at her because in that moment all was forgotten and forgiven.

the DEPTH. in these sentences. oml. I’m so ready to learn about this complicated backstory.  

⫷⫸ ⫷⫸ ⫷⫸

Part 3

“I can make him sign ‘em,” he offered.

YES. I love a low key threatening boi.

“Yeah, until you decided I wasn’t good enough,” 

“Did you want to show me what I could have had with you if I wasn’t such a fuck up.” He sighed and put his hands on his hips.

AFGHSKF OMG MY HEART.

“I’m trailing water and mud all over the place but just remember that I saved your life before getting mad, okay?” 

“Nothing. Just like saying your name.”

ahhhh these are precious!!  

⫷⫸ ⫷⫸ ⫷⫸

Part 4

“Yeah. People do that right? Day dates?” He honestly wasn’t sure. Dates weren’t his forte.

🥺 someone help him. He’s so cute omg. 

“We might’ve made out a little too,” he mumbled.

aksfhksdfg look at him turning into a flustered boy!!!

“No. I just…stopped looking up,”

Babes. Idk if the double meaning was intentional but like. Wow. That hit hard. 

⫷⫸ ⫷⫸ ⫷⫸

Part 5

and has a name like ‘Bill’ or ‘Tom’.”

oop. We love a subtle Redfly dig 😂

!!!! IDK WHAT TO BLOCKQUOTE BUT OMG FRANKIE BEING PROTECTIVE. THE READERS BACKSTORY. FRANKIE KISSING AT THE PAST BRUISES. ANGRY FRANKIE OMG. 😭

I’m sorry there’s probably some more amazing stuff after that but t’was not a good ace day so i skipped the smut

⫷⫸ ⫷⫸ ⫷⫸

Part 6

You hid your body from him at first and when he moved your hands, you covered your face. Then he told you to never hide from him—he would always think you were beautiful

🥺🥺 this is so soft omg

sorry skipped the smut but im sure it was beautiful

“I’m not going anywhere.” You moved his arms so you could kneel in front of him. “I’m staying.”

*incoherent screaming*

“You can ask me for anything. I would give up everything I for you.”

The whole ending scene was AMAZING okay but this. This line right here. Big hurt omg. He knows the weight of what he’s saying. He knows how hard the road to recovery is and how many things are gonna try push him off that path. But he says it anyways. And it really really shows just how much she means to him. Brava! 

⫷⫸ ⫷⫸ ⫷⫸

Part 7

lmao I really need to start reading the warnings 😂

She was never going to be sad longer than necessary if he had anything to do about it.

WHERE CAN I GET A FRANKIE OML 😭

“That no matter where we were, when we look up, we’re looking at the same moon.” He looked at her though she was still looking up. “That always kept me going, you know?”

THE SOFT. AHHHHHH

The moonlight seemed to shine directly on her and make her glow like some ethereal being. She was an angel. She had to be. The stars twinkled above them but he had his own right here right now.

eXcUsE mE. wHo gAvE yOu tHe rIgHt tO wRiTe sOmEtHIng tHiS bEAuTiFul

⫷⫸ ⫷⫸ ⫷⫸

Part 8

“Stop ruining my romantic moment, please.

HAHAHAH I LOVE!

I can’t even- Omg. This whole chapter. I have no words

⫷⫸ ⫷⫸ ⫷⫸

Part 9

“I can’t,” he said, voice broken. “Please just let me…let me hold you. Let me…”

IDK THE FULL CONTEXT TO THIS (really hating my ace-ness rn cuz this last line is so heartfelt) BUT OMG BROKEN FRANKIE I JUST. ARGHHH

you realized that you were embracing your entire world right then and there. Letting it go would be the hardest thing you’d ever do.

take my heart and crush it why don’t you omg. 😭😍

⫷⫸ ⫷⫸ ⫷⫸

Part 10

She was hurt again. And it was his fault again.

I can’t do it. I can’t be alone anymore.

asdfghjk GURL. WHO HURT YOU OMG. LEMME HURT THEM BACK. 

His world spun and he felt like he was falling. He fell and fell into the abyss with no one there to save him as the bag felt like it was burning a hole in his hand. Is it hot? He felt hot. Burning up. Had he finally died and gone to hell? God knows that’s where he belonged.

No. It’s just an overwhelming darkness. Nothing. And that’s what he wanted, right? To feel nothing.

*VERY INCOHERENT SCREAMING* This is beautiful writing omg. The raw emotion in this. Holy hell. 

oml. That transition from pure pain and angst into love just *chefs kiss*. Frankie deserves so much 😭

⫷⫸ ⫷⫸ ⫷⫸

Part 11

“It wasn’t supposed to make you cry,”

wHat eLsE wAs iT sUpPoSeD tO dO omg. 

This whole chapter was SO CUTE!!! The way that Frankie just knows things about her. UGH. 

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Part 12

“What if it’s big and pulls me in?!”

MY THOUGHTS EXACTLY OMG

“I don’t wanna die,” he whispered.

His life felt as though it was falling apart all over again and he realized it was because she was the one that held him together and now that he was leaving, everything was one big mess again.

*inaudible screaming*

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Part 13

That ending tho! I love that you gave them their own little thing with the moon. Its so sweet 🥰and the Pope-Frankie friendship moments. *melts*

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Part 14

okay i was gonna blockquote but there was too much to quote This whole chapter felt so raw omg. If you’re pulling from real experience then I’m so sorry you ever had to go through that *pulls you into the biggest hug ever* (assuming you like hugs, if you don’t... i send you an affectionate ‘rubbing my forehead into your shoulder’)

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Part 15

“You could’ve walked in here with your head shaved and I’d still love it…but…please don’t.”

😂 yessss give me the humour in this sad

still haven’t learnt to read the warnings oml 🤦🏻‍♀️

ahhhh the soft reassuring Frankie content!!!!

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Part 16

“Probably because it’s Wednesday,” he said.

“It is?” you asked.

“Yeah. What day did you think it was?”

I FEEL SO ATTACKED OMG. What even is time anymore.

asfadsdfgdhk Its so SOFFTTT. Is this what it’s like to fall in love??😭

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Part 17

hallelujah i’ve finally learnt to read the warnings

ngaww Frankie being all excited and soft 🥺🥺 are they going camping?? are we gonna get Frankie in his element??

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Part 18

I’m as flat as a board back there.

I feel attacked and this wasn’t even directed at me oml 😂😂

tHeY aRe sO iN lOvE oMg 😍

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Part 19

I get it, it’s embarrassing, but I’m not judging you for it.

YES. In this house, we don’t judge people who are struggling to find jobs!

“I wouldn’t say them if you didn’t deserve them. You deserve good things, Frankie. You may not feel like you do but you do. Always.”

He sighed and rubbed your back. “If you say it then it must be true.”

*incoherent screaming* we all deserve good things okay 😭

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Part 20

thank you for the warnings that i’ve finally learnt to read before reading the fic

What if I’m a lost cause? Just some pathetic druggie who can’t get his shit together…mooching off his girl.

NOOO You’re not just some pathetic druggie Frankie😭😭

“Sleepovers? Do I get to paint your nails? Do your hair?”

Our love has aged gracefully kinda like us.

THE SOFT OMG 🥺🥺

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Part 21

“With all due respect, sir, I’m not and have never been an addict. Yeah, I did drugs. Yes, I hurt your daughter and she had to leave, but you know what, we’re together now and nothing’s gonna change that. She’s forgiven me and she loves me and that’s all that matters.”

YAS. I love this change from nervous wreck to confidence! 

This is so happy and soft and sweet oml. My angsty soul doesn’t know how to deal. 😭

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Part 22

Sweet baby jesus. It was soft. And then it was not. And then it was soft again and I just. *incoherent screaming* GURL. 

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ludus

I’m gonna have a house right on the other side of the lake.

asdfgI I Have Feelings.

GURLLL. This was so innocent!! They’re both so young and cute and asgalsfjghsd. 

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eros

“Are you running away from something?” she asked, and he bristled. “From me because you love me and don’t know how to say it?”

*incoherent screaming* well shit. you go gurl! you call him on his crap!

I skimmed the smut but like Frankie being a nervous wreck is 🥺

If you wanna see someone else while I’m gone, you can.

*more screaming because OMG if only he knew what that would lead to*

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ania

O damn. I kinda loved his slow descend into darkness... The fact that the reader still clings on to hope and love and just, damn. I’m lost for words. 

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coda

... 

...

that’s all my brain feels right now. that was dark, but like. a good dark. It was heart wrenching but beautiful and- “I won’t be able to find you if I’m lost myself,” THIS. I just. *chefs kiss* but also, *ugly sobbing*. 

#pragma commentary

[whimsically-ominously-auspice]

This is the last human mimic alien we have to fight.

He's realized he's lost because you people aren't running wild having orgies and you're listening to the DNA4U

And further more You all don't want to share.

When i posted the video of Miss Shawntae telling snoop it was time to snoop her body up... And then Snoop went all seductive to the camera...

122895x1000= men that said "Nigga ima beat your ass you know my wo/man gonna see that. You ain't need to be showing yourself!".

76584284×1000= said "ew i hope i don't have my any asking me to do anything tonight after what i just seen. My imagination gonna kill myself! And i know that's just wrong wrong wrong!"

Now multiply the digits together before the multiplication sign and that is approximately minus 1000 That supported Snoops message.

I did all 3. I had to advert my eyes even. Although he couldn't even see me.

Now Snoop and i know each other over 8000zillion years. So i can easily put myself in his shoes.

So he would walk in and I be having sex and he just sit down and start having a conversation. Like we having BBQ ribs and not sexual intercourse.

His wife tho .... He would make sure "the white boy was covered" and tease her don't look. She look at the carpet... Eventually it kept going on so i took a picture off the wall and put it on the floor where she always sat.

She said "why you do that?"

"I realize the kids keep jumping on the bed and knock it off. Snoop stare at you If you move your face. And unless you're on LSD it's no fun staring at the carpet. So i gave it to you where it seems you always be looking although i had to take a pretty healthy guess. I just felt you was having the most miserable time of all and as my friend it was my honor to trip out and give you a gift"

She used the reflection to put on her makeup and slept in bed later.,Snoop quit being so paranoid. Cause she would face the wall and lean against him.

Point is... Snoop be all like he was watching sports to make sure we got the score.

I mean. Man. Earth. We tried everything we could to stop these aliens from wanting to habe orgies. Even,took,away,their dicks!!!

We did everything. Planet.

Y'all locked up with your soulmates made little difference on this kick of his.

I been doing it. I been riding like I been going around the world 500 times. I love sex.

82% of y'all all around the Earth been having sex.

4% have watched porno

18% have had 1 wild orgies of those 18% -- 32% had s second one. Of those 0.00004981% have gone onto a third.

Of those having 2 or more orgies 92% were aliens

Leaving 8% Of 18% of the entire world interested enough in watching or having sex with other people than their soulmate.

Who saved the world?

100% of humans.

You all get $5 and that includes children.

He's done all he could and he's failed. 100%

I think Edgar might be human... Looking at his alien structure in the film.

But he treated me like an alien. Im still a POW.

Alex had to sell a bed because he acted non human. And Alex worked hard on it to make it perfect for me.

I would been fine gloating from it. Fighting and being sassy to aliens.

But then someone claiming to care about me,most of all abandoned his son and law and daughter. And i hear stories of him being evil.

Some time ago they asked me "do you want a dad or mom?"

"No"

"We need to know because the future of the,Earth,depends on it. And the future of you. Now do you want a dad or,not?!"

"The question is will i remain needing a dad or father figure in the future. No i am fine. I have male role models to keep the species alive. Males. (Species not gender) I also have my mom in Mrs Harriet Tubmam. And if that fails then at that time i should be able to get the rest of me. But she's fine. I'm fine. I just got to remain stable. But adding a father or another mother i don't know just yet can remain disasterous."

Luckily Alex didn't burn the bed down. But it was,bugged and bombed by "Edgar", to me 'its just another one of those things we have to clean"

Do i care? Nothing. He doesn't affect me. I worry about Alex having to,deal with it. But,hes being,and,staying clean,and,then when he's,scared he stays by other cold turkey or non users. He was,around Crystal meth yesterday and he tasted 1/4 of a gram. Like when you would put your finger in the sugar jar. Then lick it. The other guy smoked 4.9876 ounces and blew it all in their faces including the babies. Thus Alex got 7.698 grams ingested via second hand smoke.

I didn't notice but we got in a fight with each other. Just like we always do.

Alex and i power punched him and his eye socket -- ocular bone -- was crushed like glass in 17 cracks.

His jaw I punched more alone but with Alex and total both sides he lost 9 teeth. And had to be wired shut after 72 stiches because i split his upper palate in two. I cracked his lower palate in 8072 places. So if you found a skull it would rest on powder of his lower jaw and then you'll find the upper. After decaying..

Then Alex on the top of his head had 49 stitches to repair his soft tissue from his frontal lobe when he crashed to the floor after the super punch to eye hit the coffee table.

He did get one "good" punch in -- his skull hit Alex right in the right eye.

It fucking hurt but it hurts in a good way. Its weird it's like "reward!" Pain. No suffering. Fucking got him good tho. We feel it every now and again. May be it is when he realises we will kill him for good. He keeps remembering that sudden silence of death.

He's currently on life support. "Medically induced coma" is our non panic code words. But it's basically life support but usually not full life support. It isn't 100% life support medical machines. Its 75% or less.

So technically it's life support and coma mixed. So we csll it medically induced coma. This way you understand if your family is the one on the machines -- it's only 25% body life.... However there's a 75% of recovery via healing machines.

The CIA. Willl decide when to pull the plug. Usually medically induced coma is someone evil or someone bad with the ability to be good. Usually aliens go straight to coma status.

If an alien will die it's 1st life support then coma. Your friend or family will die.

They said medically induced coma. But at this time. His brain is incapable of human thought so I am putting him on life support.

This makes it the family's wishes.

Most of the time "next of kin" is spouse then parents/siblings. Then children last.

Which is wrong. It should be the future. Thus Erica and Steven will ask the babies. And together they will decide.

Last night as a CIA operative while he was in a medically induced coma i was told by at least 1 child and 2 adults to pull. I reviewed. While they spoke from shock and relief their true feelings.

Knowing that the children escaped life with Eric once. I don't feel the right to allow Eric to live. I know the consequences of his actions caused two children to leave my planet in fear and terror and disgust because of Eric.

Erica was my 3rd pregnancy to abort and hold souls.

I hate Eric. That's why i punched him in the fucking face. I was happily surprised that Alex did it. Too in person.

Since the infants are involved and already resurrected. And had a nightmare of a time in less than 36 hours on Eaerth.

I allow them to be there to pull the plug, they can actually yank and pull the plug themselves.

So that is what i want and what the children need.

It will show Eric he doesn't belong here and has no,reason to,be at 25%

It makes life easier for all of us.

Eric was an outdoor kid. Like John and Jason and Greg. Etc. He never went into my school.

They didn't have to. And actually weren't ever enrolled. They liked the man work to learn to survive on their own.

While i taught the children the indoor stuff. The expansion of the mind.

I taught them the economy so the men working to increase their own economical structure could be helped to be taken in under their wings.

I left no one behind.

But he refused confirming.

1. Alcoholic system to drop other drugs. -- he uses crystal meth. Without cut backs. Without moderation

$5 if yoh remember and realized i said make smoothies without alcohol to share with your kids.

2. He blew it in their faces on purpose them injesting over 2.4 grams each.

Erica and Alex would cover their faces with thick blankets when the smoke came towards them.

It was quite a hostage situation. Knowing he could take the newborns and kill them in front of them.

Its happened to me 985 Point 2 times. I'm 35 years old.

875.8 times it's been with a knife.

Take the numbers and multiply by 10 million. For the last some kinda lots of 8 thousand zillion years.

It even happened to Alex. He he has the scars. From,this and last life., it,has happened.

So for me they're terrifying. Unless I'm there... I have saved 900 billion times 30 thousand. I those situations.

But i always remember the ones i lost.

So don't worry when I'm suicidal. Just leave me alone. Don't talk to me. I need silence.

So dead babies y'all.

Dead aliens.

It will be done

I seen that actually quite beautiful meme of April 2020 the clouds and UFO.

I don't get mad or violent because I'm stepped back to watch y'all cope.

But I say to y'all "fuck no that's not happening" I say to that UFO "Fucking try it you will all die" i just scroll on because I get so angry. I get so mad. Its a beautiful photo but i refused to repost it because it isn't something i support.

Most reposts of memes are supported unless i type something on the bottom. Saying it's not.

So my dad. I didn't care until i saw The Rock, "her dad is alive" all happy and in support.

Then i was bothered. Then I cared. Then i felt something about it. But until then i felt nothing.

I didn't feel shame..i felt that were all made of glass.

Because I was happy to have a dad.. One that seemed good. I was actually happy.

And it was kept personal to me... But then I saw the Rock felt it. Then I began to feel..

Broken. But Alex kept it together and started getting rid of the bed. Taking it down. Removing bombs. And fixing all that ass hole did "my dad"

I know the Rock.. He can handle. His dad just died. And we did a lot for him.

So for him to be elated. I get through the day thinking no one really cares what i feel and they don't pay kuch attention..but the Rock in that moment in time.

He was happy. And i knew then i had to Destroy a light of happiness inside him and he looked away from the camera to say "we are all happy. The while world"

DNA4U list one person as my father. He's my uncle..

Edgar claimed it was his 18th cousin.

You know, it doesn't matter.

Donate. Mr Lee Tubman. And more. They're my dads. They kept me safe. Taught me to be wiser and more caring about myself. Donte was 2 years younger than me. But he was a father figure. Guy was the fun dad. Fred Flintstone i called one friend's dad was the fishing buddy. We were not close but he was a silent father figure.

I stole all my friends dads. Borrowed them. Their moms, too.

I have 1800 moms that I call mom.

I know who my moms and dads are.

Just like Erica called me mom the other day and Brittany will too. And Alex my cousin's son. Candy. Brandy. Declan.

So i know i have a family that understands it doesn't matter how I got here. It matters who treated me well. Matthew McCognohey. Kid rocks. They're like my dad's and my kids. Uncles and Cousins.

Blood doesn't matter. Shit half the time Snoop is my God or dad or bother or husband or little kid i have to save. He's my friend.

Snoop is too much of everything. He is my co-nigger. My partner in many crimes against humanity (practical jokes)

I call him my Friend. But my family wouldn't be complete without him and Shawntae.

Harriet. I call her momma all the time. It feels natural. Sometimes i call her old lady.

So while i was joyful for a moment thinking I found someone that actually cared to find out he didn't.

I myself wasn't affected until i knew others would be

Its just a lesson in life. Don't trust people.

I told Alex abandon ship, fuck that place. Ain't no one can go in there!!

He understood and agreed then took the role "no,one is driving me and her from our home." He decided to defend the homestead. That is the role a man takes

Im all you gotta sweep the whole place,then,rest and do,it again,2 more times at least.,Then,again when,I,get there. If i get there.

But i feel good to know my lover isn't gonna let anyone drive him down. Just turn around. Learn a lesson. Clean the mess.

Why do i need a father when i have a man?

Clearly i am an independent woman and always have been.

But i need a family. Otherwise I have no point to live.

And that is why i am suicidal.

I don't see s point to live. Not when Alex and i fight and i don't want him to talk to me cause some alien got in our way once again.

He was double attacked by aliens.

So if their desire is for me to die... Then they should keep,doing it.

If,not they need to stay out of my way so i can,get my family,together again.,in,real life.

My family that I know is my family. Not aliens. Not fans. Not someone that needs to apologize to me or needs an explanation.

People that can think on their own and not be reminded they need to have love in their spirit.

Now Snoop sometimes plays the role of my brother. And we are competitive. It just makes us proud of each other and ourselves for surviving a challenge. I do it to him too but I play old hard skill. He plays old new remember when. I do ancient V-Ball and he does pop and country experience.

So his spirit is of an ego -- which salutes the fact we will grow.

Often we do the spirit of mischievous. To remind danger still exists but we will have fun and love in the end.

Friend. Someone that is gonna fry you but the end od what matters.

Sometimes we relax and chill. But them old cogwheels of the mind never quit rolling. Advance. Advance. Lets keep it going don't stop.

He's like me. Suicidal.

But he used to release his inner poison. Now he makes it not exist by doing something else ....

But me? Nothing helps but the mimic of death itself. Silence.

People are what causes it. Alien people.

So you humans. Keep on being you.

Its you that is gonna save the world

I gave you guidelines to help us out this mess.

Because I can't even see y'all because the aliens surrounding me trying to get my last breath.

Show me you. Save us. You're doing good

I got $5 on y'all that we make it.

[myheartbeatskids]

So Declan loved me and we talked about science and lab babies and clones and all that. So He told me he loved me because i was the first person to really really listen and understand as opposed to being the one to teach.

And so he had understood what he was taught then developed and built upon it correctly with help from his own brain and God. And del Muerte whom helped me understand as well cause that shit was mind blowing.

So he asked me to have his soul mate. To give birth to her.

And I was pretty much dragged out and Declan ran the show after that.

I agreed but it was more like a thing where i had to focus and talk instead of fainting.

So Matt actually helped to implant because I have an upturned uterious and so things like that are painful because of the rigidity and non flexible as i need materials used while Jeremiah comforted and helped me relax.

So then essentially i was kidnapped.

Declan is part clone and part Neanderthal.

Annabelle is part clone and part Neanderthal.

So some of us from Michael Jackson's boarding school --- although I wasn't i stayed there alot on my own. So i was part of it, unofficially as i am a civilian doing military shit now. --- have clones in a laboratory. But they are miniature human size as they are kept in barbie size containers.

Since Declan was a clone Jesse gave permission to make, they said i should use a clone.

It took 5 eggs until Declan approved the child that would be created in the embryo. Del Muerte communicated to us what God said.

Most males get their soul mates at age 7. Declan was only 2 years old. So God hadnt had enough experience to program or create his perfect soulmate.

So it just so happened it was 2 years of plus 5 embryos which makes the year 7 while added together.

So when Annabelle was born Declan came to get me and her but my now ex-husband got me all fucked up and i had amnesia and all that and i remember the power struggle type issues while signing the birth certificate which is why i get child support as my ex swore bla bla bla and signed papers to those statements but I was all "Dude while he's signing let's run!" Because he pissed me off during that time and i was all no hes wrong and all... But I guess I was scared of him or his aura csused me confusion or Idk. I remember feeling sick.

So craziness. We are 16 years late. And unfortunately yet fortunately a lot of research was done and i have a lot of government apology money coming my way. Which i don't have yet.... But soon.

This is Cambria AvaLynn named after Alexis Dejoria.

Because Matt's parents were into hiding, they named him after a mat. A common object so in case of ESP feom the people they hid from they would think "welcome mat" like welcome to travel with us son named Matt. Welcome to eat at the dining table, Matt. Well, come, Matt.

So came or come because i would always want to see Matt so I would say "You came!!!" When i saw him and hug him and he would say "welcome"

And Bria after me.

Turning the x into a v (for Victory) and Lynn as in the 80s most of my friends on the military base i lived on has Lynn as their middle names. So to remind me she is a friend.

She's my child that was ectopic due to the sponges Jamie & Doug Otis found and reminded us of. But we went to the hospital because i began to hemmoragge and they were able to save her and her twin.

Then my mom killed her and he died naturally as he was in ICU TO experiment on them being raised/healed as premies temporarily as one within an incubator and the other skin to skin contact. As woman need to be comforted more, we picked Ava to bring home.

They were the first experiment with soul mates being born as twins. Both clones of my and Jeremiah and his being Ava and my being the male Andrew.

Andrew after Jesse... "And he drew" cause he was always drawing beautifully.

And the other clones were of Jesse James and Alexis.

Alexis got kidnapped by her dad and so the story goes... I did too Eventually

Jeremiah's dad helped us as the grandparent in house.

This is Declan.

He told Jeremiah "I'm not the one sitting around waiting with a pouted lip waiting for someone to do it for me. Now i found the woman and go get my kid!!"

Dude WTF I'm not having someones kid... I'm only 21!!

"Now im the man around the house and what I say goes!!! And you are going to have my kid!!"

Dude whatever. So i did dream into the lab with them but... I thought we were just playing and so i agreed and so next thing i knew there was a frozen child ready to be implanted. Thus my ability to be kidnapped so easily...

Cause when a kid is all telling you about clones and labs and shit... And you're hearing voices... that shit is insane. Literally.

So i didn't take it seriously enough.

But Declan is only 19 Now. And my kid is 16.

So it's old enough to have a romantic relationship. To avoid issues i had as a child with social services.

The plan was to have them grow up as friends but also believed it may been too dangerous....

Yet I still don't agree that it was.

However for the last 10 year's I have been working daily for my amnesia to be solved and also saving the world (of NHRA especially) at the same time.

And have earned multiple Nobel Peace Prizes which i have yet to receive.

So working on law enforcement and the military and government, about to break into the public school system and tear that up ;) as a civilian has earned me billions of dollars i have yet to receive....

But i have given away as i can and have bought businesses that I want.

As proof that the government does care about all its people's hopes and dreams they have bought them on my behalf and am gsining bank! And i shop st my own businesses too... Ironically! I been shopping at Loves for nearly a year... went into Speedway a few times now i drive an extra 5 miles just to shop there because i like it more!!

Robert, the shift manager finally told me tonight as I bought all the GIANTS for my Giant 6'7" man. And i turned the ones in Valencia County to Speedway in honor of Aaron and Paul (twins) who wanted to show the dangers of meth and the meth community as they honored me with my idea of how to end Breaking Bad with the movie reel of El Camino (the mother road) of the manner of the psychological reality of life gone wrong.

I freak Robert out... He was worried when he saw me there that I was to audit like a monster, fire everyone and work the cash register and store myself.

So tonight he saw I bought milkshakes (not available at Love's) figured it out and gave me a pack of smokes for free and blurted out why.

So i took all the giants as i always do and fucked them all up and made them better.

So i own them till i make my money back on the businesses and then they get given to who I intended it for... As I do double check they will always be worthy... If not i keep them for me because I was being good snd honest and fair the whole time.

So 360° K i own.

So i only compete with Love's whom I always promised the King's Highway to... You know him... As an old time Western Thug bitch ass womanizer player. Motorcycle Guru. Hot Rod extraordinaire. Texas loving son of a gun. Jesse James Smith! Just kidding... Just regular old ole fogie mad scientist Jesse Gregory Smith. Of West Coast Choppers. Which i own and always have as i put up the money for his business intending to always be in his life and helping him. So my apology... The only one i can ever give as i can't predict the future without help is Love. And he loves everyone and won't let Google tell.

I bought every gas station in the country as we will be switching to electric and hydro electric and non fuel and solar and hybrid autos by 2030. So the previous owners have a nice retirement and no stress. As the storage oil facilities that were shot in Saudia Arabia were actually empty. I own them.

Fossil fuels are actually the blood of dinosaurs and other dead bodies that are converted and broken down and dehydrated by plant life...

I found that out by the eternal bushes burning.. I mean growing... here on the mountain. Tumble weeds otherwise known as thyme. And we found via satellite tons of skeletons by Earth xrays under the bushes and some not as they are closer to the Earth surface. I found a wooly mammoth knuckle bone.

We moved here in 2002 and there was a patch of earth that looked like concrete by the mail boxes and we just drove over them assuming that's what it was.

They were mummified wooly mammoths. Now broken up and scattered all over the desert road.

I would not like my blood which could potentially bring me back to life wasted on a car... For someone to get to a job they hate. So no more. Not from the USA anyways.

One night I was at dinner and i said Obama needs to handle thwt South Dakota pipeline. My dad was all what is he supposed to do? All simple solutions were crap and had an argument. I said "then lie! Tell the American people they are scum! Tell them we opened the pipeline up and the pipes broke and destroyed the precious land that needs to be protected." My dad laughed and i felt kinda stupid for being so angry.

But Uncle Donald heard my point and so thats exactly what he did. Fake news? Its real.

Because he saw the change I made in the NHRA with some lies that laid very close to the truth.

You don't need to believe in reincarnation for it to happen. I didn't until about 6 months ago. But my mom's mom and my great aunt my grandma's sister ... Granny Bessie Heltons 2 daughters did. My grandma explained it to me one night when I was 18 as i had asked my Great Aunt Nita i was closer to but she didn't explain she just said "because i do" And the dictionary explaination i already knew. But my grandma traveled with me like y'all know i do And showed me.

We started in Heaven with only having one human life and having the soul figure of a human that we select. Hers was a teenage body, absolutely beautiful. With her old ass mind and experience. I told her what I wanted was to be a child. A dirty raggedy haired barefoot blonde without a care in the world, feeling smarter than I feel now... Because that is when i was happiest. When i saw i could end pain and suffering with death, when i knew life could escape heart ache, even when evil exist.

And so now on her second cat life with me, as her first caused her kidnapping by the same drug induced psycho piece of shit that arrested and molested Jesse James dog, Coco and her untimely death as I did record in Tumblr. "Sister Kitty" was kidnapped by him, hes in a special jail. He just had his pinkie finger nail and big toe nail removed as he did kidnap Mogar and slice his face and slice Kizzys leg. So in order to understand what he did he agreed to similar punishment as he did to our precious cargo...

Cargo my bitches!

Jesse: No! I only ask!

Me: who do i have to convince?

Jesse: Idk Jeremiah?

Me: Ava who is your dad?

Ava: Idk I guess not Jeremiah?? IDK!! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO TELL!? you all always told me they are both my dad's. Let me ask God. Oh! Jesse! ..... And Jeremiah

Me: your dad is your dad and dad he will always be no matter shine or high water, love will always be there for you and for me. Alexis, do you know that one?

She nods all teary..

Jesse: well did i get loves?!

Me: uhh yes ass hole! We always love you back. What do you want with a gas station with no gas? That's like having a family with out us, most especially me!

Jesse: well it got gas now!!!

Me: well gas up at your local, bring a truck. I got a lot of stuff.

Declan: you hear her? Most especially me! Me! Well, me too, you better pick me up.

Me: Jesse... You ready for Orlando?? I got a Chase bank account with the Princess Castle on the debit card... Just needs a little cash in the account.

Jesse: You Mean You Will Pay!!!

Me: i see that was not a question so that does not deserve a response. But yes. I am suppose to have a wire transfer per last night's discussions that will pay for it.

Jesse: WHOA SHIT!

Me: Jeremiah you down?

Jeremiah: to pay Miss Giant Owner?

Me: uhh I'm Miss Speedyway now. No.. Carry me through times square after some Disney World Fun!

Jeremiah: FUCK YES!! uhh yes thank you for inviting me. I will go

Matt Hagan: look look at this. Im the best friend i even got her kid named after me

Me: Matt Hagan... Looks like you're invited, The Best Friend. In or out of Disney World for the hotel.

Matt: IN!!

Me: youre definitely going you know how to do it right! Pops... You gonna stay home alone with your woman?

Pops: not if i don't have to

M3: you don't

Pops: shit! Oh yeah!

Chuck: what about Cookie!!

Me: you and bring Your comrades I need to talk to

Chuckie: oh Cookies going!

Me: I didn't know he could do the Conga.

Jesse: yes you did!

Me: no wonder it looked familiar.

[neuropathicgypsy]

So there's this guy who isn't so great...

So i saw a photo of him and I'd seen it before but this time i was thinking about some dark shit...

And I realized who he is...

It doesn't always happen that way... Actually... Like it was dark but not bad... Then what i remember was bad...

And so may be this girl was lying and it was the way it was initially with the memories about this guy... And maybe she did deserve her ass beat...

But their relationship wasn't as he wanted me to believe... Like it was more like how she said it was...

And may be 100% like she said... Like maybe it really does only take 20 minutes for an abortion. How would i know? I never had one... Or may be her mom was confused... About what time i dropped her off... Idk im trying to remember 10 years later and frankly i don't even care.

I washed my hands of both of them fully in 2008....

So now randomly he's popped back in my life... And completely random...

I didn't have a problem with him until he kept lying to me... Like for real lies like "I'm coming over" and he doesn't. Like that. Not like i think he's lying... Like its really obvious hes lying... Like its a fact.

Then i was all fuck this shit. And Matt happened to be with him and I waited like 8 hours and he did this huge song and dance and so i told Matt, punch him 5 times, at least 2x in the face.

So Matt did... Cause dam dude it was ridiculous. I already seen him and i already identified his alter ego but i was okay to over look it. Like it wasn't my relationship and it wasn't like it been 10 years since she had him arrested for beating her and i went with her to the court...

Yeah he definitely can't handle alcohol...

Like he would be cool at my house at first but as the night wore on... I would be like 2 hours later... Time for bed and make an excuse of life i had the next day instead of drinking and hanging out all night

He would be all "its nine o'clock!!" And i would be all "yeah Tom, sometimes we all have to grow up and admit responsibility"

Yeah sometimes he was a bitch... Like when i said anything with sense he would be all "i need to duct tape her mouth"

Or that one time he wanted to put me in my kitchen trash bin... I told him i didn't give a Fuck so he put it over my head and i told him to pick up the trash off my kitchen floor and he did then swept it and left a big pile in the floor...

But overall he was just his unique self that i kinda got used to...

Because his drama with my friend was between them -- unless my friend bitched about him later, like when we took the kids to the park, and i tried to help her figure him out.

Anyways so now i know my friend wasn't lying about him...

And i know other shit he did... Like to me...

Cause i actually knew him in Alabama, NYC, Texas, Oklahoma and now here... Like a stalker...

And so i am wondering... Should I tell him what i know? What i remember? The bad things?

Or should i just not?

I wonder if it will do any good... Like Why for put myself through his bull shit when i really just want to be left alone?

Do i want to remember?

No... I don't want to feel my ribs feeling like they're about to break or sharp pains on the side of my head -- the side closest to the wall in the bed so he could say i fell instead of it being on the side where he slept...

Like being drugged... So he can lie as to why he and my ex husband thought it was great to spike drinks.... Like ...

I don't care. I really don't.

He knows what he did and I just want him to go away. Obviously he isn't going to stop... Obviously he shouldn't be around the female human...

But what I'm just gonna pull evidence out his ass? My ass? Prove it?

I really don't think i can...

He already was sentenced 9 months for what he did to my friend.

May be he learned... Idk.

Obviously hes not going to come over and despite his recent meddling, people have come to their senses about him... Like he totally doesn't give a shit about me. Or them.

So obviously i left him when i was younger, between his father and mine, i got out of the house with him and he quickly moved on to "someone better" and he brought her over and the next one an the next cause he thought when i told the girls he beat me, i was jealous and trying to break them up...

When i was saying, I am so glad i left and I'm left alone 90% of the time and he isn't all up my ass bugging me and being weird and hitting me cause he had nothing else to do and no brain activity. And that it could happen to them, too. For no fucking reason.

It took a while, too for his dad to help me understand it wasn't me... Like he was just crazy... Stupid. Jealous. And dumb. Not too long but i did have to be taught that there's no difference between an abusive boyfriend or girlfriend or husband and an abusive parent or sibling. I always thought i really did something wrong

Now I know... I let him live and i was afraid of him and to let the "monster inside of me" out. And i was afraid I wouldn't win and i would die at his hands.

Now I'm not. Now I don't even care although I know for a fact he could probably break my neck in less than 10 seconds... Not because I'm suicidal or don't care about myself.

But because I do care about myself and I know that i can kick his ass. I know i don't have to and i know i can kick his ass soft enough that he behaves better and also that i can kick it so he never breathes again.

Because I'm angry. At what he did to me. Im angry that i believe without a doubt he would do it again if i didn't know all HIS male friends that would kick his ass, without a doubt until he quit bleeding.

Because I'm angryi have to feel the physical pain he did to me and i have to remember the bruises and the tears and the frustration and annoyance and knowledge that i wasn't loved.

Because I'm angry my fucking ribs hurt.

Idk that night he put on his act. I wanted him dead. Like i didn't care. I wanted to. I really did. I wanted to care about his life and his safety but I didn't. I hated him. With every cell of my being.

Matt said "i only punched him 2x in the face" i was all go back and hit him 10x in the face!!! Like it wasn't enough and i KNOW Matt did to to what he deserved not tappy tap tap.

I heard that over a week later, on Halloween, his face was still mangled... Like 6 broken noses and 5 black eyes... Like... Obviously he only has one nose and 2 eyes but there was enough damaged tissue for more.

I dont even feel bad... Like i still feel,it isn't enough. Because now i feel pain. And have since Halloween when the people he went to the carnival with left because i left. And haven't seen him since. Because they figured out thwt he was purposely keeping them from me, in line for the Haunted House for nearly 2 hours... I was not gonna stay..,

They could got out of line and sat with me at the fire they gave more logs for and rejoined him when he was near the front... It was cold where they were. They could even had taken turns in line.

It wasn't something i could do... I didn't even know they were there until after I left. All i was told was they would be about an hour... Which made no sense cause i thought they said they were already there... So what for an hour?

For the first time in forever it was just me and my kid for Halloween. We could done anything. My kid actually wanted to do the Haunted House... But didnt want to wait in the 36°F line for over an hour.

Its a good thing they left too, i got beat up in the Halloween Haunted House before, too.... Perfect place... Dark.. Scary... All perfect for "accidents" with no real person to take fault... Just accidents...

So really... I'm like part of me wants to tell him i know what he did...

But more i just want him to not exist.

And then another part of me still likes him and wishes he has grown up and realized he could be better than he allows himself to be. Part of me feels sorry for him.

I know he just wants to be loved and safe Just like we all do...

And I could love him as a friend as I had in the past... Knowing hes not been trustworthy in the past makes it easier to protect myself.

I handled him quite pperfectly 11 years ago... Until my ex husband I was married to then, started encou stupid and dangerous and evil entertainment.

I still don't understand the point to drug someone to have sex with them. Like dude. You're saying you're not good enough to be liked with a person sober and woke and living normal.

So that says a lot about a person... That they have no confidence or true love for themselves.

I been for real single in my house for 10 years...having only long distance relationships. I dont feel the need to drug someone to allow them to like me. They either do or they don't.

Im curious as to why they dont but i dont care. Some people just do not get along with others. Its that simple. I don't like plenty of people and to have to explain myself or be pushed around because of it totally pisses me off. I don't like you, simple as that and I'll hate you before I love you.

I see the most problem with criminals is they dont love themselves but usually demand others to while not believing others do... So they beat them.

Its really really sad. Its horrible. How they can't break that barrier to love just themselves. And then turn themselves into unlovable trash that they shouldn't be.

So at the end of the day, if you don't want to be loved. Then i won't love you.

Its the most difficult lesson a person can learn and its the most saddest and heartbreaking. But also the strongest making, most wisdom learning lesson.

And so I can turn off my feelings, my warmth, my caring for someone whom asks me to. Most especially someone whom has or would try to beat it into me.

Life is: Survival of the Fittest, is it not?

If you cannot love yourself, cherish yourself enough to take risks then you cannot survive.

If you cannot believe you are loveable then your actions will cause you to not be loveable.

But yet people like Jesse James and "Tom" don't have a problem with being greedy and asking for more and more and more. Like vampires with empty souls sucking down unicorn blood in the forest like they want to live on a page of a Harry Potter novel.

And so my question is, do i tell him what i know he did to Me? Or does he just want to relish in the delight of what he got away with so that He can devise ways to lie to make me some sort of pawn in his life, someone to use?

Why waste my time?

Friday in about 15 seconds i lost my child support check... While looking for it lost another check for $2.40...Then at the bank moments later literally $5 disappeared from ny hands.

Then the next day i had taken off my shoes in the Wal-Mart wheel chair shopping cart... While wheeling around... Lost my dam shoe.

I didn't even bother to look for it.

And my cat was kidnapped... Then i sent someone to fetch him... "Tom" let him get kidnapped again... Then he got fetched again.... And i have yet to see him... So im like what the fuck? Its been over a week... I tried Thursday night to go ask the neighbors but all the gates were locked...

Then i got this like flue feeling thing where i want to puke all day and all these body aches and I just want to sleep.

And Every thing is pissing me off...

And know why? Cause this curse if u dont acknowledge the dead on Halloween with a fuckking Hello then i get all this bad luck. Happens every time.like excuse me ass holes i deal with you 300 days a year and i can't have one with my kid?!

Its absolutely ridiculous

So id much rather sleep then to decide to care about someone whom has shown they do not care about me.

But is it wrong?

Should I tell him all those hits and attempts at giving me amnesia were temporary and i know exactly who he is and that he's still lying and that I know he was all trying to marry my friend then still get with me?

His dad says that he knew hitting me made me leave so that's why he hit my friend. And his dad says that she wasn't pregnant and that same as at my house it was more all over him than him on her... Unlike when he was with me

And i know i still have a lot of memories that don't fit right that are messed up.

But I know exactly what happened between Sara and Tom according to Sara's words to me. Because that part of my memories have never been affected. Even if i was drinking... Because i didn't drink a lot because i get migraines if i do. Mostly wine coolers or rum and juice...

Plus there was two adult sized male idiots, a seemingly whore type person and then 3 children 2 under the age of 5. So obviously someone who wasn't stumbling and posing a threat to the kids by falling over on themselves had to be present.

I just got drunk enough... So that i really didnt give a shit about all the stupidity I saw in the adults around me. And could say shit like "you know Sara, sometimes you're really dumb. Hes told you like 40 times to get off him and you're still on him So when tomorrow you're all black and blue and he says you tripped going down the stairs and i saw you walk down them just fine, I'm not really gonna care. I mean its not like he told you or anything. 46 times"

But while sober... I would worry why he was so mean to his girlfriend. Why she would always be rejected by him. And why she would allow herself to be treated so horrible. If my friend told me always to get off them, i would feel sad. Sometimes I have had to tell my kid not to touch or lean on me because i have pain... But i try to adjust so that they can... As i have a lot of numb spots next to highly painful areas.

But between Tom and Sara... I felt it was weird,volatile and and dangerous. And they shouldn't be together.

I even asked him once cause Sara would go inside with my ex a lot... Hmmm.. Idc.

"Why don't you like Sara to touch you?" And his face would be red.

And i would say " okay so then when do you like Sara to touch you?" Cause then i would tell her So she could get her affection...

And it was always difficult to get him to talk about himself.. Until for two nights I didn't talk to him and when we we're alone after he kicked me under the table most of the night, all angry in my face why i wouldn't talk to him...

"Oh why because you called me duct tape for 6 months telling me not to talk to you. And then when I did or have tried to "get close to you" as i would a friend, you just sit there all dopey and smile and don't even answer a question i ask you"

You know then sara comes out and says i said he was on dope.

And she denies it...and I'm tired of her being oblivious to every dam thing on the fucking planet. And i straight out accuse them both of being on meth...

And so while trying to faceplant herself on his Dick shes all "we should leave"

So then i throw them out and they both refuse to move. What. The. Fuck.

He claims hes afraid to leave cause she is all dopey on his Dick.... And hes all shes gonna rape m3 and all tries to,hide behind me,touching my body to use me as a shield and tries to jump over the railing of my porch!!! But acts like hes afraid to and asks my permission like 14 times. Dude you're a grown ass man why the fuck are you asking that's dumb. We were on the lower level anyway. Literally 4 steps, including the top.

It always seemed that stupid and annoying.

So i really didn't care when he went to jail, sentenced for 14 months and got out in 9..

Or when on New Year's Eve, i took her and her kids Christmas presents and she hadnt got any of us anything... And I had bought and took her cigarettes and she didn't want to share when i ran out... Or when I said we needed to leave because my kid wanted to go home and she told me that I was being a bad friend because I'm a good mom... Because I was going to leave... Then we went to the bonfire which my kid liked and so Sara said if i wanted to smoke her Winstons... Then i had to go get them and she threw them .... Because she was jealous all her neighbors were talking and laughing with me because i actually do know how to socialize.

And i quit being friends with her that night.

Left .... And every time she text me after i just told her to shut up and fuck my husband....but she didn't know because shes so sef absorbed that 2 months prior I told him i wanted a divorce.

On Thanksgiving.

In front of my uncle....

And so... Still... Should I tell him I think he's a complete ass hole with something to hide or a chicken shit that is making it look like he does.... And allow him to explain himself or not...

Because I a fucking tired of him trying to get into my brain. Hes all hiding. I'm not.

I heard in 4 months he hit me 15 occasions... I used the calculator and it was once every 8 days. I was 16. He was 23.

That enough makes me want to not talk to him. But i also don't want him to be all well that's your fault Sabrina. And blame me all kinds because I gave him a chance. I gave him a 100% chance.

Then when he blew me off more than once,including in DM.. I was all forget you then.... But then when I said i didn't want to fuck him, he lost his Goddam mind. Like dude... So yeah... When were we ever going to anyways when you can't even drive to someone's house? Or set up a date and actually go to it? It was So irrational the way he reacted. What? I'm a cum bucket? Like what he's gonna random run into me at Wal-Mart an pound me from behind in the family bathroom while i hold onto the toilet seat??

Seriously. Hes not rational

So I'm like to tell him what I've been told by th3 dead and what i remember... Its just a waste of effort, isn't it?

[dxmagedrose]

GET TO KNOW THE BLOGGER!

Tagged by: my lover @hammurabicomplex​ I’m tagging: anyone and everyone who wants to pick this one up! share with the class if you feel like it! tag me in it!!

PRESENTING. RANDOM DEEP DIVE WITH INDIGO-MUN AT 2AM ;

FIRST NAME Good fucking question… It’s (sort-of) currently Dylann! I was Kieran before that, though; it’s still used as one of my first names and I’m not used to Dylann quite yet bc I’ve just started using it. 

Indigo is one of my middle names though, and I’ve used it as an online handle elsewhere forever so I use it here now!  [ Fun etymology facts: Dylan(n) is a mythology name generally meaning “born of the wave” (aspiring diver & a water witch at heart). Kieran means “little dark one” bc of my love for horror, && I chose Indigo bc as a kid to be it was neither boy (blue) or purple (girl) and was both and neither as well as my absolute favorite color as this vibrant ass mystical color. ]

STRANGE FACT ABOUT YOURSELF hmmmmm…. I’m a horror lover at heart, so as a child (I wanna say 12), I was walking through an antique store (I have a few cool finds, I considered putting my other one as the fact tbh) and I turned the corner and I saw these two dolls staring back at me at the foot of the stairs of this antique building. my blood froze, and i felt my stomach drop. i got actual, physical goosebumps stumbling across these two creepy dolls staring back at me in the corner, and i couldn’t leave the store without them. perhaps the little painted porcelain boy would be somewhat spooky by himself if it wasn’t for the terrifying lidded gaze of the porcelain girl with the hairline fractures and slightly open lips. i cant look at her. i dont really find dolls scary, I like to find the spookier ones ones, and she makes me paranoid as hell. i keep her face covered and her up in my closet except for when i bring her out to show her off proudly as the spookiest thing I have but……. i dont really collect dolls anymore.  even thinking about her brings a fearful tear to my eye.  i don’t like to think about her for very long, but that’s why I’m so fucking proud to own her. ( YES — I’m THAT white person in the horror film )

TOP THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU FIND ATTRACTIVE ON A PERSON hhhhh a beardy jawline, high cheekbones, crooked canine teeth >:3c

A FOOD YOU COULD EAT FOREVER AND NOT GET BORED OF b.l.t.’s with avocado. ahhhh. my mouth is watering just thinking about it, oh my god. just a bit of salt and pepper???

A FOOD YOU HATE barbecue anything, i hate the taste of bbq sauce, you keep your nasty black goo to yourselves at the grill. twice in my life i have presented with barbecue pizza and both times i cried literal tears. why would you do such a horrible thing to a person? what kind of a monster are you? how do you sleep at night?!

GUILTY PLEASURE the sims. constantly. always. i’ve sunk thousands of hours into my households. oh also uhhhhhh i run two 80s horror blogs, one being a shitpost blog with occasional art of mine and one gremlin fanfic ship blog for horrible, terrible self indulgent fanfics i’ll get the courage to finish writing & post so i can be cancelled on tumblr for at some point. NO, i won’t link them. as i pretend they’re even all that hard to find, within a day i was found on both by someone i admire here a lot :’) ilu bby thnk u eternally for supporting ur local horrifying dumbass wtf

WHAT DO YOU SLEEP IN the same clothes i’ve been wearing all day usually, my sweats & long sleeve raglans or my hoodies. i like being cozy day & and out. and ugh. efoort. just throw me in a blanket in a cool room and im out.

SERIOUS RELATIONSHIPS OR FLINGS serious relationships with some openness or poly. i wish i could fling! just not exactly easy for demisexual autistics lmao.

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN THE PAST AND CHANGE ONE THING ABOUT YOUR LIFE, WOULD YOU AND WHAT WOULD IT BE I think I would be adopted by my grandma as a kid. It would save me some trauma but mostly I think it would get my autism diagnosed way earlier and save me angsting all these years of wondering why & thinking it’s my fault I’m struggling so much and so loud and affectionate and different in a world that i didnt fit in the same way. 

ARE YOU AN AFFECTIONATE PERSON when i get drunk i text people how much they mean to me in my life. does that answer your question? ahhh. i’m sometimes a cuddle monster with friends, i message people with long texts about how much they mean to me, but I sometimes really don’t like to be touched at all. 

A MOVIE YOU COULD WATCH OVER AND OVER AGAIN FLYPAPER.  F L Y P A P E R.  FLYPAPER.  FLY, and, I can’t stress this enough, fucking PAPER. ( Though also Whole Nine Yards and both Re-Animator & Bride ). I have watched Flypaper already like, 5 times this week and I’m still not done, and the other movies have been on repeat for days in this household within the last year. In the past it has also been Donnie Darko & the new Nightmare on Elm Street.  roast me.

FAVORITE BOOK White Fang by Jack London. Have I actually ever finished it? No. Do I still own a copy I’ve had since childhood thru multiple dogs eating it, taking it to and from school, and highlighting and circling all the best parts of chapter one ever since I was a kid and it was too hard of a book for me to read? You bet your ass. If I ever need inspiration I just reread chapter 1. Although one of my other favorites was Broken Monsters by Lauren Beukes. But White Fang is like, a weirdly personal text. We stan London’s writing in this household.

YOU HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO KEEP ANY ANIMAL AS A PET, WHAT DO YOU CHOOSE FENNEC FOX!! I used to daydream about having my own named Shiloh when I was a lil kid. they’re adorable little things and i am obsessed. i mean, gimme any fox and im happy, marble foxes, red foxes… but I was obsessed with fennec foxes. Also tbh ferrets. I want a ferret.

TOP FIVE FICTIONAL SHIPS [IF YOU ARE AN RP BLOG, YOU CAN USE YOUR OWN SHIPS AS WELL] Rosa & @ninetyscnds‘s Luke, Rosa & @iimpulsivity is already screaming my name, Rosa & Constantine, Jesse & Andrea from Breaking Bad, and the joker and harley of 80s sci-fi Dan & Herbert from Re-Ani.  I am but a simple opossum. 

PIE OR CAKE Pie! I’ll take both pumpkin & melty apple over cake. also, cheesecake is more pie than cake soooo, pie wins.

FAVORITE SCENT my dogs / my blanket. :’)  It’s the most grounding smell in the world. 

CELEBRITY CRUSH oliver jackson-cohen, i’m fucking GAY and im angry about it. there i was, minding my own business, and i saw that asshole in a certain SHIRTLESS GIF and it AWOKE SOMETHING IN ME. dont talk to me about it, holy shit im obsessed with beardy men now god fuckkdafjaask i hate him why did he make me this gay i was perfectly fine being into girls but NOOOOOO him and his dumb hairy chest and sweet rugged face and I——  I also am obsessed with the archaeologist & television personality Josh Gates and may or may not be considering making a fan blog for him bc idk if my anthropology docuseries host is Dad or Daddy but i love him lots

IF YOU COULD TRAVEL ANYWHERE, WHERE WOULD YOU GO I would go on a dive with anthropologists and archaeologists doing fieldwork research in the ancient cenotes of the Yucatán Peninsula. My actual dream job, catch me crying & fantasizing about being underwater documenting Mayan skulls given as offerings. Fuckkkk, I love anthropology so much!!  take me anywhere in the world to immerse myself into culture & archaeology.

INTROVERT OR EXTROVERT Introvert. I have a real life friend I see roughly once a month, and that’s it. Plenty of online relationships, I’m chatty, message me all day every day. but i dont do people well.

DO YOU SCARE EASILY I used to! Really bad. I don’t as much anymore. I do get paranoia a lot still. Having therapists telling you that the FBI could be outside your house watching you through your windows will kind of nervous. ( no google results for: yes hello fbi i am a writer please dont put me on watchlists i just have research i need to do for this idea im working on, would you like to try again? ) I have nightmares nightly but not they never make me afraid, they just make me feel like crap. jumpscares and loud noises and seeing people reaching into their pockets dont set off as many brain alarms anymore tho!! progress haha.

IPHONE OR ANDROID I like my android better bc of capabilities but meh

DO YOU PLAY ANY VIDEO GAMES My mom, her husband & I play COD for family game night, and Silent Hill is my life’s blood. I’ve sunken hours into Sims & Skyrim, and Norman Jayden from Heavy Rain is my #1 fictional character in existence, why do i love the druggie babies

DREAM JOB Oh… You’re asking me to pick? I’d love to be an anthropologist doing work out in the field. Underwater archaeology is peak, but I’m also heavily considering being a body recovery diver or police diver. I’d love to see myself in uniform someday, if possible. Just the thought makes me teary eyed & proud.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO WITH A MILLION DOLLARS fund my person creative & educational endeavors. get myself a spooky ass abandoned house to make my own home to create in, and travel to the world’s best dive sites. just live a mild life of education, creation & exploration. that’s the dream TM.

FICTIONAL CHARACTER YOU HATE dr. hill is a gross and whiny lil bitch this post brought to u by the miskatonic crew, how is everyone here an even worse bad guy than herbert west precious dan excluded talk shit get hit tho john winchester from spn and both walter white & todd from breaking bad are all in my crew of hated characters. i jusT…   the reani novel is difficult to read because i have to deal with this old sack of shit.

FANDOM THAT YOU WERE ONCE A PART OF BUT AREN’T ANY LONGER Supernatural :-)

… AND THIS CONCLUDES A DEEP DIVE WITH INDIGO!! //

#||: && the mundane ( ooc ); #( get to know a bitch!! ) #( this was... a lot of me rambling about weirdly personal shit at 2 am )

[garbagequeer]

hey hello im writing a piece for laptop ensemble that involves sampling and i need the most repressed/tender/yearning quotes you got. just as gay and heart wrenching as you can. but also no pressure I know youre a stranger on the web I just feel like you post that kind of stuff a lot thank you bye

hope this isnt like too late school keeps me busy :( (also can you put a read more on asks? guess i’ll find out). i ended up choosing many quotes from the same texts cause im indecisive as shit but i’ll bold my favorites from those in case that makes it easier for you!

anyways first of all you can never go wrong w richard siken as obvious as that is. these are both from you are jeff

You’re in a car with a beautiful boy, and he won’t tell you that he loves you, but he loves you. And you feel like you’ve done something terrible, like robbed a liquor store, or swallowed pills, or shoveled yourself a grave in the dirt, and you’re tired. You’re in a car with a beautiful boy, and you’re trying not to tell him that you love him, and you’re trying to choke down the feeling, and you’re trembling, but he reaches over and he touches you, like a prayer for which no words exist, and you feel your heart taking root in your body, like you’ve discovered something you don’t even have a name for.

Let’s say you’ve swallowed a bad thing and now it’s got its hands inside you. This is the essence of love and failure. You see what I mean but you’re happy anyway, and that’s okay, it’s a love story 

this one’s from planet of love (the format got fucked bc tumblr is not actually a finctional website but :/ )

I have a megaphone and you play along,                                                                 because you want to die for love,                                                            you always have.     Imagine this:You’re pulling the car over. Somebody’s waiting.                      You’re going to die                                            in your best friend’s arms.             And you play along because it’s funny, because it’s written down,you’ve memorized it,

from litany in which certain things are crossed out 

I make you pancakes, I take you hunting, I talk to you as if you’re            really there.Are you there, sweetheart? Do you know me? Is this microphone live?                                                       Let me do it right for once,

sorry about the scene at the bottom of the stairwell                                    and how I ruined everything by saying it out loud.            Especially that, but I should have known.You see, I take the parts that I remember and stitch them back together            to make a creature that will do what I sayor love me back.

We were inside the train car when I started to cry. You were crying too,            smiling and crying in a way that made meeven more hysterical. You said I could have anything I wanted, but I                                                                                just couldn’t say it out loud.Actually, you said Love, for you,                             is larger than the usual romantic love. It’s like a religion. It’s                                                                                                 terrifying. No one                                                                        will ever want to sleep with you.

from snow and dirty rain

I had a dream about you. We were in the gold roomwhere everyone finally gets what they want.

that scene from when harry met sally where sally says:

One day I was taking Alice’s little girl fro the afternoon. I’d promised to take her to the circus, and we were in a cab playing “I spy” - you know, “I spy a lamppost”, “I spy a mailbox” - and she looked out the window and there was this man and this woman with two little kids, and the man had one of the kids on his shoulders, and Alice’s little girl said “I spy a family”, and I satrted crying, you know? I just started crying, and I went home

(like anyone else sometimes cries when u see a family doing something nice? is it because i want to participate in a sense of family of my own but have been excluded as a gay person from it’s portrayals and it makes me go :^( cause i dont feel there’s room for me there but i want there to be and i just have to long for this nuclear family heteronormative way of life that i’ve been made to believe is idylic? is it because my parents got divorced and my dad’s an ass and my mom is just a very angry lady and i want to re-do my own childhood? who knows. should we ban movies? yes we should!)

from maurice (ultimate source of tender)

“There was something better in life than this rubbish, if only he could get to it, love, nobility, big spaces where passion clasped peace, spaces no science could reach, but they existed for ever, full of woods some of them, and arched with majestic sky and a friend”

‘Did you ever dream you had a friend, Alec? Nothing else but just “my friend”, he trying to help you and you him. A friend’ he repeated, sentimental suddenly. ‘Someone to last your whole life and you his. I suppose such a thing can’t really happen outside sleep’

we are all so lucky i don’t actually own maurice in english this would just turn into me quoting the whole book

ee cummings voices to voices, lip to lip

the thing perhaps isto eat flowers and not to be afraid.

from virgina woolf’s letters to vita

7 september 1925

january 21 1926 vita writes

I am reduced to a thing that wants Virginia. I composed a beautiful letter to you in the sleepless nightmare hours of the night, and it has all gone: I just miss you, in a quite simple desperate human way. You, with all your un-dumb letters, would never write so elementary phrase as that; perhaps you wouldn’t even feel it. And yet I believe you’ll be sensible of a little gap. But you’d clothe it in so exquisite a phrase that it would lose a little of its reality. Whereas with me it is quite stark: I miss you even more than I could have believed; and I was prepared to miss you a good deal. So this letter is just really a squeal of pain. It is incredible how essential to me you have become. I suppose you are accustomed to people saying these things. Damn you, spoilt creature; I shan’t make you love me any the more by giving myself away like this—But oh my dear, I can’t be clever and stand-offish with you: I love you too much for that. Too truly. You have no idea how stand-offish I can be with people I don’t love. I have brought it to a fine art. But you have broken down my defences. And I don’t really resent it …

and on january 26 virginia writes back

Your letter from Trieste came this morning—But why do you think I don’t feel, or that I make phrases? ‘Lovely phrases’ you say which rob things of reality. Just the opposite. Always, always, always I try to say what I feel. Will you then believe that after you went last Tuesday—exactly a week ago—out I went into the slums of Bloomsbury, to find a barrel organ. But it did not make me cheerful … And ever since, nothing important has happened—Somehow its dull and damp. I have been dull; I have missed you. I do miss you. I shall miss you. And if you don’t believe it, you’re a longeared owl and ass. Lovely phrases? … 

from virginia’s diary, about vita on december 21 1925

I like her and being with her and the splendour–she shines in the grocer’s shop in Sevenoaks with a candle lit radiance, stalking on legs like beech trees, pink glowing, grape clustered, pearl hung.

from virginia woolf’s to the light house

What device for becoming, like waters poured into one jar, inextricably the same, one with the object one adored? Could the body achieve, or the mind, subtly mingling in the intricate passages of the brain? or the heart? Could loving, as people called it, make her and Mrs Ramsay one? for it was not knowledge but unity that she desired, not inscriptions on tablets, nothing that could be written in any language known to men, but intimacy itself, which is knowledge, she had thought, leaning her head on Mrs Ramsay’s knee. Nothing happened. Nothing! Nothing! as she leant her head against Mrs Ramsay’s knee. And yet, she knew knowledge and wisdom were stored up in Mrs Ramsay’s heart.

Love had a thousand shapes. There might be lovers whose gift it was to choose out the elements of things and place them together and so, giving them a wholeness not theirs in life, make of some scene, or meeting of people (all now gone and separate), one of those globed compacted things over which thought lingers, and love plays.

there forced themselves upon her other things, her own inadequacy, her insignificance, keeping house for her father off the Brompton Road, and had much ado to control her impulse to fling herself (thank Heaven she had always resisted so far) at Mrs Ramsay’s knee and say to her—but what could one say to her? “I’m in love with you?” No, that was not true. “I’m in love with this all,” waving her hand at the hedge, at the house, at the children. It was absurd, it was impossible 

(fun fact: the spanish translation adds something that i’d translate as “one could not say what one meant / what one wanted to say”, which i really like and i was disapointed to find out isnt on the english edition)

It was love, she thought, pretending to move her canvas, distilled and filtered; love that never attempted to clutch its object; but, like the love which mathematicians bear their symbols, or poets their phrases, was meant to be spread over the world and become part of the human gain. So it was indeed. The world by all means should have shared it  

from the great gatsby

I didn’t want to go to the city. I wasn’t worth a decent stroke of work but it was more than that—I didn’t want to leave Gatsby. I missed that train, and then another, before I could get myself away (…) Just before I reached the hedge I remembered something and turned around. ‘They’re a rotten crowd,’ I shouted across the lawn. ‘You’re worth the whole damn bunch put together.’ I’ve always been glad I said that. It was the only compliment I ever gave him

from kafka’s diaries

may 27 1911: Today is your birthday, but I am not even sending you the usual book, for it would be only pretence; at bottom I am after all not in position to give you a book. I am writing only because it is so necessary for me today to be near you for a moment

parts from a from a letter he wrote to oskar pollak on february 4 1902

When we talk together the words are hard; we tread over them as if they were rough pavement. The most delicate things acquire awkward feet and we can’t help it. We’re almost in each other’s way; I bump into you and you - I don’t dare and you. When we come to things that are not exactly cobblestones or the Kunstwart, we suddenly see that we are in masquerade, acting with angular faces (especially me, I admit), and then we become sad and bored. Does anyone make you as bored as I do?

then I fall silent and you fall silent and you become bored, and I become bored and it’s all like a stupid hangover and there’s no use lifting a hand. But neither wants to say this to the other, out of shame or fear or - You see, we are afraid of each other, or I am.

Of course I understand it. It’s boring to stand for years in front of an ugly wall and it just won’t crumble away. Of course, but the wall is afraid for itself, fro the garden (if there is one), and you get out of sorts, yawn, have headaches, don’t know where to turn

You often talk with her, not only for the sake of talking. You walk around with her somewhere here or there, or in Roztok, and i sit at my desk at home. You talk with her, and in the middle of a sentence somebody jumps up and makes a bow. That is me with my untrimmed words and angular faces. That lasts only a moment, and then you go on talking. I sit at my desk at home and yawn. I’ve been trhough it already. Wouldn’t that separate us? Is that so strange? Are we enemies? I am very fond of you

from his leters to milena

Last night I dreamed about you. What happened in detail I can hardly remember, all I know is that we kept merging into one another. I was you, you were me. Finally you somehow caught fire.

jane wong. from clearing

We want to believe everything has meaning.Plums blossom over a power grid

and I am in love again. The shame of it.

from leslie harrison’s [sirens]

I’m not Penelope married to faith married to waitingbound in fine soft strands of silk dyed and stretchedin my world longing has teeth and fins has a tastefor blood longing is a room built entirely of knives

Lorde’s melodrama tour interlude

Don’t you wish you could go inside a heart, see the strings and atrium’s, everything beating and bleeding. It’s kind of funny, I spend almost every minute thinking about love. Being guided, and divided by love. But I’ve never seen it. It’s just a rumour, a comedown, an afterglow. I wanna see it, in colour. In the summer, I can almost picture it

from Andrea Long Chu’s on liking women

One day, you tell yourself, it will give you what you want. Then, one day, it doesn’t. Now it dawns on you that your object will probably never give you what you want. But this is not what’s disappointing, not really. What’s disappointing is what happens next: nothing. You keep your object. You continue to follow it around, stash it in a drawer, water it, tweet at it. It still doesn’t give you what you want—but you knew that. You have had another realization: not getting what you want has very little to do with wanting it. Knowing better usually doesn’t make it better. You don’t want something because wanting it will lead to getting it. You want it because you want it

ada limón, In a Mexican Restaurant I Recall How Much You Upset Me

But love is impossible and it goes ondespite the impossible. You’re the muscleI cut from the bone and still the boneremembers, still it wants (so much, it wants)the flesh back, the real thing,if only to rail against it, if onlyto argue and fight, if only to missa solve-able absence.

i dont think i need to get into mitski songs because you probably already know but basically pink in the night/come into the water/once more to see you/in happy when she says if you’re going take the train so i can hear it rumble one last rumble/in i want you from the first verse to the first time she goes “i just need a quiet place where i can scream how i love you” (YES the card thing is very important)/the first verse of i will (w emphasis on everything you feel is good i f you wold only let you)/abbey/strawberry blond

sufjan steven’s futile devices obviously predatory wasp of the palisades you know the drill 

was going to find some twin fantasy lyrics but i started thinking about famous prophets (minds) and like. emotionally left my body so. i wont be thinking about it or any other songs anymore it makes me too crazy

from frances ha

It’s that thing when you’re with someone and you love them and they know it and they love you and you know it but it’s a party and you’re both talking to other people and you’re laughing and shining and you look across the room and catch each other’s eyes. But not because you’re possessive, or it’s precisely sexual, but because that is your person in this life and it’s funny and sad but only because this life will end and it’s this secret world that exists right there. In public. Unnoticed. That no one else knows about. It’s sort of like how they say that other dimensions exist all around us but we don’t have the ability to perceive them. That’s what I want out of a relationship. Or just life, I guess.

from ellen lee’s notes on twin fantasy that i revisit constantly

there’s no going back to deliver these words to the ones they were really meant for. That’s how heartbreak feels, I guess. It feels like your heart in between the teeth of someone who’s looking away. When you’ve lost your loved object, what happens to all the things you have to say to them? When they’re turned away, what happens to all the things that you couldn’t, but desperately need(ed) to, say to their face? He dissociates himself from his own romance until it becomes a fantasy. You have your bleeding heart, you have a finite set of memories — when nothing new enters and you’re unwilling to let go, then you have a fantasy. The loved object enters into you and transforms.

the journey home by dermot bolger(havent read this at all dont really plan to/dont know a thing about it either i just came across this shit like 2 years ago and i still think about it)

I wanted to hurt him; I wanted just to touch him. What I wanted I’m not really sure. If he had stopped and opened his arms I would have walked towards him; I would have sat on the kerb all night with him

adam b, sweet i have a (really gay) heart

i feel like my body is the extension of a lake. i feel really badabout not telling you the truth, sometimes. i feelreally small next to you. tall boys remind me of bean stalks.i wish i had your legs. i wish i could know your handsbefore i even touch them

aaaand i think that’s all i could think of and track down, hope this is actually helpful and not too long (i am indecisive no kidding). also ksjdfg it’s nice that you thought to ask me this and i did have fun going over all these quotes so thank you 💖💖💖

#answered #i hope this fits what you were looking for!! #and i hope read mores are working on mobile djfgk #c #thing #Anonymous

[jungdrizzydraco]

An O.C. for Your Asses!!!

I wanna see if the characters are legit before I move forward with this short story im working on (I'm a character first kinda guy, so I work inside-out) leave any form of constructive critique you wish, they are still works in progress, thanks!!

Augustine Harriet Andersson

Age:22

Sign: Gemini (sun) Cancer (moon) Virgo (rising)

Height: 5'8

Eye Color: Formerly dark-brown, bleached to a pastel-hazel because of some dark magic fuckery

Hair Color/Cut: dark-brown,q shifting variations of a fade, whose design changes somewhat based on his thoughts and emotions (yes, this is an enchanted fade)

Build: lean, lightly muscled from years lifting cauldrons in his grandfather's potion shop

Notable Features: Dimples; left-dimple is deeper than right, multiple piercings on each ear, artificial left eye (looks organic but to magical eyes, it looks otherwise)

"Have you ever been like...fundamentally angry? I feel that way...like at my core, there's this rage that seethes and coils at the pit of my stomach, everyday, like a python that can't quite squeeze his prey all the way to death. Everytime I think I've grown up, forgiven something or someone or myself, there's this anger that tightens right back up all over again...like it's reminding me of something. Somedays...I feel like that feeling will petrify everything I've ever loved about myself, and I'll just be another slave to outrage and ego and pain...just like everyone else...haha, then I'll really be a normie."  -August Andersson, on his depression and internal anger issues.

Augustine Andersson is a witch-boy. But you could probably already tell that from looking at him: the way his eyes are almost constantly fixed towards some unseeable infinity, the way air molecules hum with fresh, manic energy around him, how he seems to absorb sunlight and the way his brown skin would filter the glow as a result of his connection to the natural...it was all very off putting to others around him for most of his young adult life. And as we all know, no one likes a freak, so such years had a hand in building his current trust issues, feelings of great anger and inadequacy, and all the tics and tricks he uses to keep such feelings at bay. He's not at a total loss; at his core he is a humanitarian, deeply compassionate and available to those who have managed to capture his heart, as well as wild and humorous. However, he keeps a tight lid on his darkest feelings and insecurities, out of fear that they may be too much for those around him (also, he might accidentally call forth a vile arch-daemon on accident, but that's neither here nor there.) After finally having had enough of his mundane time amongst the humans, he vanishes from his college campus one day and takes to the open road, hoping that like the many young, angsty teens in the movies he loves, he will find himself in his own solitude. But the best way to deal with oneself is when confronting someone else, and after a close-call with a reckless (and very cute) motorcycle rider on an interstate, August will be forced to deal with every single part of himself, the good, the bad, and the strange...

A few more things about him...

1. His father is Afro-swedish, hence his last name.

2. Loves to travel and is nomadic by nature.

3. He gets a special kind of warmth out of being moderately petty at all times.

4. He loves open spaces and bodies of water, as well as hikes through mountains (ok so he only went once in Vegas, so sue him, he really liked it!)

5. Surprisingly low maintenance, really just likes being around people that are happy, and the feeling easily rubs off on him.

6. Both positive and negative emotions easily rub off on him.

7. Can get caught up in moments of warm content, given his unstable interior life, and can get lost in wasting/spending time.

8. Gets restless easily.

9. Budding film buff, faves include Kill Bill vol. 1&2, Her, Moonrise Kingdom, Gone Girl, Blue is the Warmest Color, Moonlight, & Mean Girls.

10. August's father is very engaged with politics and civil rights, so in honor of that, he decided that his son's middle name would belong to one of the greatest figures of the civil rights movement: Harriet Tubman.

11. Favorite new movie is The Favourite.

12. Due to a lack of acceptance of his full self and the full spectrum of his sexuality, he is judgemental of others and holds them to the same near-impossible standards he holds for himself. 

13. Things he expects from others: To read his mind and conjure what he wants without saying, to have his needs and boundaries respected without actually stating so, for others to fit in whatever box he thinks they should be in, for everyone's intellect to be slightly lower than his own, but high enough not to annoy him with silly questions, ect.

14. Listens to Lorde, J. Cole, Rex Orange County, Frank Ocean, Lana Del Rey, Tyler the Creator, Young Thug and assorted film soundtracks.

15. Enjoys playing into his double-sided nature when it suits him, and has a secret glee in melding into different roles depending on who's around him.

16. Is attracted to more eccentric personalities in platonic and romantic relationships

17. Smokes weed to escape boredom. (and his problems)

18. Smokes weed because he likes the feeling.

19. Is secretly a little ratchet, but he'll kill you if you say so, it'll fuck up his reputation as the quasi-sociopathic erudite.

Magic House-Thoth

Augustine is a member of the Sacred House of Life, witches whose magic is passed down from the Egyptian Gods themselves. August himself is a descendant of an African slave-witch, once known as Ashe. She was taken to Egypt as a typical piece of cargo from zealot raiders, and was sentenced to a life of building the pyramids. Or so she would have thought: Thoth, the God of Magic and Knowledge, took pity upon her and beguiled her to follow an invisible force into the desert one night. He then revealed himself to her in his ibis-headed brilliance and bestowed upon her a set of choices: he could free her now and set her loose across the desert with all the things she would need for survival, or he could give her secrets and wisdoms unknown to man at the time, but she would have to frequently return to him for lessons. Ashe always prized knowledge and growth over any material thing, or even something such as freedom (I prefer to disagree myself). And secrets from a God must count for that much more, right? She indulged in option two. Thoth grinned and whispered to her the mysteries of life, the secrets of the stars, and the riddles of worlds lost and intangible, he spoke magick into her very soul. She would then use her newfound knowledge to fool her captors, freed any slave that would believe in her, and with her wits about them, guided them across the desert to build a library-like sanctuary, in honor of Thoth. The former slaves then learned from the god's teachings, passed through Ashe, and became witches and educators in their own right, and Ashe came to lead this new coven of magi. This is how the House of Thoth became to be. 

Magick: As a member of house of Thoth, August has the ability to manipulate various aspects of the moon, writing, hieroglyphics, knowledge and sciences, and the progression of time. His particular specialty is the creation of Moon Dust, a substance used as a medium for most of his spells. By gathering various quantities of mineral, be it: crystal, rocks, pearls, aluminum, or even silvers and golds, he can channel his magic into them and break down and rearrange their atomic components into a corrosive, abrasive substance that also tends to stick to objects due to an electric charge. This dust is also dangerous to breathe in. He tends to carry around a pouch or two on his person, as trying to create some on the fly is nearly impossible given how much time and intricacy is needed to create the substance. (I mean, working with just a pile of plain old rocks would take a couple of hours to convert, let alone harder or more distilled substances.) Spells that he has mastered so far include...

Spell of Refraction: A spell in which the moondust bonds to whomever or whatever August desires (sans the harmful effects, it's enchanted in this state) and whatever is enveloped in dust turns invisible via light refraction.

Spell of Revelations: He can spread his moondust over an area and have the pieces cling to imprints of negative emotion or dark magick. A spell used for forensic work.

Spell of Retribution: An offensive spell that uses moondust to its fullest offensive powers and creates small funnels of dust to ravage the opponent. The largest funnel made could surround a fully grown man.

Golemancy:  Can create golems out of the moon dust he has formed, usually no larger than a human toddler. They tend to take form roughly resembling lego-men (he was a big fan of the Lego Expanded Universe as a child), but one can easily be fooled by their size: each golem has the strength of three men, and can combine to further power themselves up.

There are a few spells that don't require the moon dust...

-The Veil: A surface-level illusion layered directly over the skin. This allows the caster to look like whatever he wants to look like and sound however he wants, but can be broken if struck with bad intentions (like a slap from an offended woman on the street)

 -Somnus: A very old, yet practical spell. Also one that does not require moondust, this handy spell induces sleep.  Those affected by this spell will not remember being forced to sleep, but they will have active and vivid dreams for distraction. Also necessary for Dream Diving.

-Dream Diving:  A skill Augustine has yet to master, this allows the caster to astral project into one's consciousness for complete access to the afflicted parties mind, if the brain is distracted by dreams. August has gotten stuck in several public nude dreams, and it takes long hours to remove oneself from another's mind.

-Illusion Casting 

-Temporary Madness Inducement

-Script Magick: By writing down a word or phrase on any surface that can be sufficiently marked on, whatever has been written manifests somehow, just so long as it is within his power. He can't create miracles with it though.

Top 10 Roadtrip Songs

Sobriety- Sza

No Role Moldelz-J. Cole

Sacrifices -Dreamville, assorted artists

Grown Up Fairy Tails- Chance the Rapper, Taylor Bennett 

My Boy-Billie Eilish

U.N.I.T.Y.- Frank Ocean

West Coast: Lana Del Rey

Cruise Ship-Young Thug

400 Lux-Lorde

Let Em Know- Bryson Tiller

#writblur #oc #my writing #my ocs #iwrite

[scarlette-joel-writing]

Erased Pt. 9

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Avenger!Reader 

Warnings: things get a bit gruesome, not too bad though. Language. 

A/N I know . Ihave taken forever to update. Im sorry about that. I promise that I will be better

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10  Part 11  Part 12 Part 13

~

Y/N’s POV:

It is dark and it is cold and it is loud.

It is dark. I cannot see an inch in front of my face. I cannot see any light coming from any place and I have no idea what the room I am in looks like. I don’t even know if I am in a room. I could be in a cardboard box for all I know. Stored on a shelf somewhere, waiting to be shipped off to China. I haven’t moved from this spot since I woke up because I am not sure that I want to know what my surroundings consist of.

It is cold. I am so cold that my teeth chatter and my skin has permanent goosebumps on them. Yea that is what I mean by it is freaking cold. There is a breeze that is as cold as the Arctic Circle that hits me every couple of minutes and I cannot, for the life of me, figure out where the hell it is coming from. I guess the fact that there is a breeze is some indication that I am not in a card board box, so I can add that to the very short list of things that I know.

It is loud. There is a loud pounding in my ears that causes my entire body to shake as I am sitting on the ground. It is Similar to the sound that I heard when the guy came into the complex to take me, but this sound is much louder than that one. And it isn’t just one steady note. It is high frequencies and low frequencies that mix together and cause my brain to feel like it is turning to mush. It paralyzes my muscles and makes me want to puke. Thankfully, I have been able to stop myself from doing that so far.

I don’t know how long I have been here and I really have no way of figuring it out. My internal clock is fucked because of the noise and my external clock is fucked because of the lack of sun. If I had to take I guess, I would say that I have been awake for about 12 hours but I have no idea how long I was out before then. It could have been 2 hours or two weeks for all I know.

I have to do something besides just sit here. I have to. So far no one has come in and I am pretty sure that even night vision wouldn’t be able to see through the pitch blackness of this room. I am just sitting there until they decide that they have had me for long enough and kill me.

I take a deep breath and then allow myself to unlatch my arms from around my knees and to pull myself up onto all fours. My hand sweeps out in front of me and it is met with nothing but cold air. So not a cardboard box. Maybe a shipping container. I shuffle forward a little bit on my knees. Maybe if I can just make it to the other side of the space, there will be a door or something that will lead to the outside world.

I continue on with my blind search until I put my hand down on top of something. It all happens so quickly. I set my hand down on something and then suddenly my hand is going through the something. My arm goes in all the way up the elbow and I can feel a warmth encompass me. I have to pull my hand out of whatever it was in, and the warm and sticky substance encases my entire left forearm.

That is the breaking point. That is what makes me scramble to my feet, take a couple steps and then hunch over, vomiting up whatever stomach contents I have. I have no idea what that was, but I can tell you that I know it wasn’t strawberry jelly. The smell is enough to tell me that.

I abandon my search of the room and crawl back into my little corner, stumbling as I walk because these fuckers know that I would kick their ass if they didn’t have this stupid noise buzzing through my ears.

I sit back down on the ground and let my head hit the wall behind me. I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I don’t want to cry. I don’t want to cry but I don’t know what else there is for me to do. I am helpless. I can’t use my power and there isn’t anybody here for me to kick the shit out of. I don’t know who is doing this, why they took me, or what they want.

I let the first tear fall, and I don’t even attempt to wipe it off.

All I know is that I want Bucky. I want to be back home in the complex. I want to be home.

Please come find me Bucky.

~

Bucky’s POV:

“What the fuck do you mean we don’t have anything?! How can we not have found out a single fucking thing on where Y/N might be?!” my voice shakes and it feels like it shakes the entire complex with it. I am angry. I am beyond angry. I really don’t think that there are any words to describe the emotions that I am feeling right now. There are too many of them.

It has been two days since Y/N has gone missing. Two days since I realized that she was taking a bit to long with her shower and went up to find her bedroom empty and some blood on the floor. It has been two days since I realized that the girl that I am supposed to protect with my entire life is missing. Two days of non-stop panic and anxiety, trying to find anything that could possible lead me to her.

“Bucky. We are doing everything that we can. We don’t really have a lot to go off of,” Steve says as he and the rest of the team are sitting in the conference room, trying to have a civil conversation about the plans that they should be making. How is this any time to be having a civil conversation? This is the time to be going out and knocking people’s teeth out until they tell me what I need to know.

“Yea, Buck. It’s not like they exactly left us a note, telling us exactly where they were taking her. These things take time,” Natasha says and I can see her give me a small smile of sympathy. But small smiles of sympathy aren’t what I need right now.

“Why aren’t we going through lists of all of our enemies and trying to figure out which one has her that way?” I am pacing the floor now. Back and forth. Back and forth. It doesn’t offer me any release but it does allow me to do something. Anything.

“We are doing that. But that list isn’t exactly a short one. Like Romanoff said, these things take time,” Tony is leaning against the wall with his arms crossed over his chest. He gives me a look that tells me that he is sorry but he isn’t that sorry.

They are all trying to cut themselves off from their emotions. They are all trying to pretend like this isn’t one of their own that has gone missing. They are trying to keep themselves more rational by being impartial to the situation. But that doesn’t work with me. None of that works for me.

I am not going to sit here and pretend that my Y/N is just another random stranger that we have to save. I am not going to pretend like she isn’t the most important thing in my life and I am definitely not going to stop until I have her back home and with me.

Let’s just hope that nothing bad has happened to her…

~

Y/N’s POV:

There is nothing but light surrounding me. Bright blinding light that causes my eyes to water and me to cover them with my right hand. It is coming from the opposite side of the room, just like I knew it would. Once my eyes have adjusted enough, I drop my hand and look back to the door. There is a silhouette there, just standing.

“I see you have had the pleasure of getting acquainted with Robert,” the voice says and I am confused for a second until I look down and realize that there is a body lying in the middle of the floor. It is half decayed and the skin seems to be sliding off of the bones a bit. I notice that there is a gaping hole in the middle of the stomach and when I look down at my arm, it is almost black in color due to the blood and whatever else was resting inside of Robert. The sight makes me gag but thankfully there is nothing left in my stomach to throw up.

The noise is still pounding in my skull and it makes my vision blurry. Everything is blurry. I feel like I am going to pass out But I cant do that. I cant. I may never way up again.

“Who are you? What do you want?” I want my voice to be strong and hard but it comes out weak and broken and laced with fear at the sight of the body in front of me. Is that going to be soon? Is that how the others are going to find me? Half decayed with a hole in my stomach? Or will they even find me at all?

“My name is Dr. Orlov,” I can hear the Russian accent now. Subtle but still there. He takes a step inside, switches on a light, and bathes the room in a yellow glow. Everything in this room is gray. Gray tiles and gray concrete. All the way to the gray body lying in the middle of the room. “And you have something that I require,” he smiles at me.

“And what would that be,” I spit back at him, and before I know it, he has crossed the small room and is kneeling in front of me. He pulls a small machine out of his pocket and attaches it to my forehead. This device causes small bursts of electricity to shoot through my body every couple of seconds. He hits another button that stops the horrible noise, but I still cant use my power because of this stupid electricity.

FUCK ME.

“I require the code to my asset. And it seems that you are the one that has it,” he leans back and I cant help the look of pure confusion on my face. How the hell does he know about that. There is no way that he could possibly know about the code. I erased it from every person’s mind in the world. The only way that he could remember was if he wasn’t on the planet when I was erasing things… But that’s not possible. “Ah, I can see the little wheels in your head turning. So many questions. But don’t worry your pretty little head about that. We will have plenty of time to talk and discuss how I know the things I know while you are telling me the code,”

“I will never tell you the code,” I hiss back at him, feeling myself lose consciousness once again.

“Torture is a powerful thing Ms. Y/N. Never say never,” he smiles at me.

Taglist: 

@jacks-on-krack @tbetz0341 @haleypearce @buckybarnesappreciationsociety @zestygingergirl @geeksareunique @jemjem-chan @rachelmc97 @fesslasuisse @vvonder-lands @ran-randomness @m4df4n

#bucky x reader #bucky imagine #bucky barnes #avenger #avengers #marvel #romance #love #action #writing #multipart #part 9 #saving #kindaromanceifyoulookatitright #imagine #series #sebastian stan

[the-fiction-witch]

Remember Me P3

REAL LIFE: COUPLE: TBS X READER RATING: SMUT + DARKNESS

REQUESTED:

isabellabrodar: Definitely part 3!!! I am so confused!!

unlikelysunny: Please

lauragarfitt: Please do part 3

Imyourmessyouremycure: Part 3, it can’t end like this

Y/N POV:

I woke, It was still dark, the sun only just rising above the trees in the park outside the window, 

“I told you to stop coming around here”

“Let me see her”

“No, I told you before get out!”

“Let me see her Please, she’s all I have please just let me see her”

“she’s safe here with me” 

“No she is not! shes safe at home, with me” 

“what is all this? why does it? your... You fucking BASTARD!”

“hey calm the fuck down!”

“YOU BASTARD! Let me see her let me see my wife!”

“shes not your wife anymore! shes forgotten who you are”

“Her condition...gives you no right to take advantage off her!”

“Im not taking advantage of her!”

“Ohh your not! look at everything you’ve done to her, she’s living in a dream a  memory your ticking her into believing!” 

“Im not tricking her into anything! that fact she choose to stay with me means m not lieing to her Im not tricking her”

“BECAUSE YOUR KEEPING HER A FUCKING PRISONER!......she needs to come home, just please let me see her, maybe she’ll remember me, she needs to come home thomas, to be with her family, to be with me, to be on her Real medication, you cant keep her like this”

“Why not! I love her more then you ever did! I care for her Im here when she needs me”

“I made a mistake that night, that doesn't give you the right to drug my wife off her head so much she forgets who she even is” 

“I was the one who was there...I was the one sat by her bed for months! I was there when she almost died night after fucking night! I was there when she woke up! and where the hell where you! off with that bitch of a mistress of yours, when she woke up she saw me, and knew I was the one taking care of her, that door is always unlocked from the inside, if she wants out, she can go whenever she wants”

“but she wont! not with you drugging her up every night and day! and tricking her brain, look at this, all of it, your doing it to force her into believing your her husband and you’ve always been with her, drugging her off her face and sleeping with her!”

“I am not!”

“Oh yeah! explain the condoms then! your obviously having sex with her! in her condition! she doesn't even know who she is half the time let alone who you are! your just drugging her up and raping her!”

“I am not!, I’ve never done anything to her that she hasnt let me do”

“was she awake?....answer the fucking question thomas!”

“None of your fucking business what i do with my Wife!”

“Your wife! you stole her-”

“I didnt steal anything!”

“No...your right you didnt steal her, you kidnapped her, and your keeping her a slave to your own ends, you let her come home else Im getting the police involved”

I then heard a slam who where those people that where arguing? who was this girl they where so angry about? was ? was that me? thomas? was that my thomas? and who was the other man? the one sending me messages? was he the man who kept coming to the door? I laid back down in bed and pretended to be asleep as a door opened and i felt a hand soothing me 

“Hey, your not up yet are you sweetheart?...humm good, didnt want you to hear any of that” and I felt a little kiss on my cheek “umm sleepy girl today, thats good, get your rest little girl, daddy just needs a little fun before he gets back to sleep, okay” it seemed like thomas’ voice I think i wasn't to sure without seeing his face as hands moved my body a little hands ghosting my skin “humm better not be leaving any of these lying around...im sure we can go without, if I knock you up maybe we can pretend it was from before your little...accident” He smirks before I felt something enter my pussy fingers it hurt a little as something was being placed it quickly left and something else pushed inside “Uhh Oh yeah.... umm its tighter tonight sweetheart... I like it” he smirked as he slowly but surely fucked me it wasnt long until he was finished inside me “Ummm good girl, humm such sweet forbidden fruit, i cant help myself” He smirked kissing the exterior of my pussy till he laid down in bed with me “your my wife, and I love you very very much sweetheart, no need to fear he’ll give up soon enough, then it will be just you and me my love” he smirked kissing me before he turned away to sleep ...

I woke to the soft sounds of food cooking in the kitchen so I got up slipping on  my dressing gown and slippers and going out into the flat all the same all memories I recall a little bit but cant really place 

“aww good morning sweetheart” thomas smiled at me coming over and giving me a tight cuddle “you alright?” he asks and I just nod “good” he smiled kissing me “dont you remember what today is sweetheart?” he asks

“No?” I answer very puzzled

“aww really? you dont remember?” he asked and i just hake my head “its your birthday silly” he laughed giving me a little kiss “breakfast is cooking go on go have fun with your presents” he told me so I smiled giving him a little kiss before i sat at the sofa the table had a lot of little things on, dresses, and jewelry all manner of lovely things once I had opened them all I turned on the tv and watched a little of the news 

“and returning to our top story this Thursday morning, Police are now live issuing a statement on the accident” the reporter explained

“We beg for anyone to come forward with information on her whereabouts, after much investigation of the crime scene it was found she did not escape alone, nurses are still baffled by her disappearance her husband William aster is still leading the search with police to find her, the facts of the case are simple, after visiting a coffee shop with an unknown man on oxford street she processed outside onto the road where she was stuck by a on cumming bus, after being admitted to hospital she staied in a drug induced coma for six weeks after awakening the room was broken up and she disappeared, Police are looking for a man they believe may have broken her out of hospital, and some theorize it may be the same man she met the day of the accident, we urge anyone with knollegge of him or Mrs-” she explained but the tv was shut off

“Thomas! I was watching that!” I complain

“come on breakfast” He told me 

“yay!” i giggle running and hugging him “Umm  I love you” i giggle

“aww sweetheart, I love you too” he smiled giving me a little kiss “Come on breakfast” he told me so i happily sat down to breakfast eating it fairly fast “so...what does my sweetheart want to get up to today?” He asks me

“Maybe we could go out? for dinner or something” I suggest

“Maybe, might be a bit pricey you know what restaurants down here are like, how about a big fast food run then we go down the lake okay?” he suggests

“yay! can we go swimming?” I ask

“If you like to” he shrugs so I happily get up going and backing a bag, a nice swimsuit come clean clothes a towel, some a little blanket for us to sit on and got changed into my nice little dress 

“Thomas?” i ask him

“yeah ?” he asks from his bath

“wheres my phone?” i ask him

“Your what?” he asks very worried I heard him get out and he came around into our room in just a towel 

“My phone, I see yours? wheres mine?” I ask him

“Sweetheart it got broken in the accident remember” he told me

“Ohh...why didnt I get a new one?” I ask

“because, phones are expensive honey, in a few weeks okay, I’ll get you a new one I promise” He told me giving me a kiss 

“Okay” i smile hugging him tightly “Come on I wanna go down the lake” I giggle

“Okay okay, let me get some pants on sweetheart” He laughs 

KNOCK KNOCK!

“You stay here” He told me as he put some clothes on and went out into the flat half shutting the bedroom door i head the door open but it was silent I went outside and Thomas was gone I began to panic where is he? where did he go? as the door was forced open and a scruffy man was stood there it wasn't Thomas is was some strange man

“Oh thank god Darling” He smiled trying to hold me but I screamed and pushed him away “Darling? dont you remember me?” he asked

“THOMAS! I scream

“I told you to get out of my house!” Thomas shouted pulling the man away from me “what the hell do you think your doing!” he shouted holding me close to him as i cried in fear

“Maggie? darling please why cant you remember me?” this man asked

“Will I told you to get out!” Thomas told him

“Fine, but I know shes here and within the hour the police will too” the man told him before leaving

“We have to go” Thomas told me

“what?” i ask

“we have to go!” he answered rushing to our bedroom and throwing everything he could into suitcases

“Thomas whats going on?” I ask him

“Please y/n listen to me, that man is trying to hurt you, if you just trust me and do as I say i promise nothing bad will happen to you again” he told me

“again?” I ask

“Y/n please, just trust me” he pleaded

Part 4?

#tbs #tbs smut #tbs fanfiction #tbs imagines #TBS Imagine #tbs smutty #tbs sex #thomas sangster #sangster #thomas brodie sangster #thomas sangster imagine #thomasbrodiesangster #tommy sangster #thomas sangster smut #sangster smut #sangster sex #thomas brodie sangster smut #sangster imagines #sangster imagine #thomas brodie sangster imagine

[shanadb5kblog]

Killing Stalking: Review

So Im re-reading KS with a clear head because the first time my brain was screaming "WHAT THE FUCK WHY!?"

Okay so couple of things:

I loved Sangwoo's face in this scene. I debate with myself whether Sangwoo does have some sense of morality because he tends to show a weird righteouness in some parts. Especially here because he looks so done with YoonJae looking down on Bum. Now lets remember, Sangwoo isnt the type of guy who is accustomed to being looked down on (unless you count his effed up family) so for him, this was personal. This is where the whole "get angry on Bum's behalf" part comes for me. Sangwoo cannot take shit against Bum unless hes the one delivering it ofcourse. But in this scene he clearly shows he doesnt appreciate bullies maybe because his father was one.

Second: I always thought in this scene it was Sangwoo drowning his mother. But I think it wss actually a flashback of him seeing his father try to drown his mother. May be others already knew this and Im slow on the uptake lol.

Mostly because (a) different hair and (b) because its followed up by this:

He compares that scene of his father drowning his mother to him doing it to Bum and tries to remind himself he isnt like his father.

Just for feels:

This scene brings tears to my eyes because Bum looks so sad. Almost like "What did I ever do to deserve this?" The answer is nothing Bummie..you didnt do anything to deserve this. Reminder: He is being reminded about his parents, who Im certain loved him alot, and being told he was a curse on them and just basic bad mouthing of his parents. Someone like Bum cant even defend himself because he doesnt have anywhere else to go so he just says "serves them right." That cant be easy for a child to say. I hope Sangwoo kills the uncle or I bloody will.

Then this:

I despised Sangwoo here. He isnt my favourite character but I like his complexity. However, this was despicable even for him. He told an abuse victim it was his fault and that he "wanted it". He made Bum feel disgusting. And that broke me. Especially when Bum says what he says in the panel. He is so used to being beaten up by those stronger than him venting their anger out on him, he just thinks that punishing him is the best way to make someone feel better. It speaks volumes about how broken Bum truly is. I cant ever forgive Sangwoo for this. This was cruel. I know alot of people see Bum as a creepy stalker but I see him as this poor kid who is starved for affection to the point where he takes whatever snipits of care Sangwoo gives him as something tremendous for someone like him.

I know this isnt supposed to have a happy ending but I do hope it ends with Bum having freedom and love and happiness that he so very much deserves.

#killing stalking #sangbum #oh sangwoo #yoonbum #ks spoilers #killing stalking rant #yang seungbae #office seungbae #choker boy #yoon bum #koogi #ks koogi #koogi killing stalking #rant #manhwa

[weabbynormalblog]

Childhood trauma=Adult Survivor

The things we tell ourselves. Be careful for what you wish for. Its really important to stop crying over shit you can't change or control.

I know its hard. Don't do this don't do that etc. Suffering is necessary especially if your a Buddhist and certainly if your human.

The Sercret, The law of attraction, the latest buzz words, you'll catch more bees with honey, that's a fact. Act now! Try this! Find the easy way out? Is there an easy way? No decision is still a decision. Stay, go, turn in circles, pondering the all of its entirety. All vying as your solution. Yes like attracts Like. FACT Belief overules like. Thats why "This shit of attracting is all wrong!". " Hello? Belief is everything!" Its our level of personal experience that is my "now" domain. I'm the God here in my life in this body today. I believe what I believe till I believe otherwise...I say the human experience should be all-inclusive, empathetic, understanding and supportive. Most people and humanitarians would agree. That's not how nature works. Survival of the fitess. Do or die. Like attracts like and I get tackled and body slammed to the ground. Why? Am I a bad person because of "xyz"? Nope. Did I do something to someone else? No. This time it was all because I was mad, triggered and I exploded; had a verbal melt down. The neighbor was disturbed by my authentic emotions. No nukes were sent, no one is getting hurt here. Just venting and trying to work out my anger. Not to hold shit in and to stop the rings of abuse. Clearly the other person in the room was overwhelmed too. Im trying to solve some issues instead I get yelling and fuck yous. I know this is not my fault!!!??? I know the whatever happened to me. "Insert major life changing event here" I am changed there is no doubt...nothing worked out as I hopped or wished it. Even so I took all steps necessary and just the same outcome. Still void, suffering and unremarkable. Yet I am where I am. No further along or better or worst off. Cha cha cha! And I must do without and put up with injustice. Denied!!! All my emotions are tied up in a neat, tight, the most perfect, best ball of raw ugly emotions on a kitchen timer ever ...I can't talk to anyone about anything, thier shackles get up and they go on the defensive, then arguing and me walking away because again I am unable to communicate what I need and overwhelmed again by my situation. Unable to communicate what is necessary for us solve our issues to move on together or apart. Grrrrr This is so common for us with brain injury, PTSD and many other host of mental health issues. There is so much that needs to be said that it gets left unsaid. Often its too late for those in need. Its very difficult to relate and communicate effectively beyond our frustration with others. We don't have the copping tools or vocabulary to express it in times of great frustration or in dire situations specifically. Am I doing something wrong? How do I change it? I must also learn to protect myself as well. So I try to diffuse with humor. So hey dial it back a thousand buddy, calm down~ me im doing my breathing exercise "listen I got high blood pressure" in hopes they back down and talk calmly and nope. Another deep breath counting on the in to 5 hippopotamus hold 6 out 7 or 9 hippopotamus depending on my stress level at the time. Look I got a Brain injury, cant we get along? Meet half way? Can we talk later? When were not angry? No? Then just leave me alone and finally I get to walk away having dealt with someone within conflict as effective as possible. Progress for me even though nothing was resolved ~ yes theres more pain and more frustration. Live and try again tomorrow or move on. When being in a place of anger thats all you can relate to, you are not able to understand anything else? Some can some can't. Im working on my flexibility, trust, bettering my health, down to my now moment. They want some kind of resolution and they end up dragging me back under again with things that aren't helpful for me, no truth, no resolution and just more critism and blaming. Not productive. Toxic people thrive in thier emotional power. Next step then. If they can not find the same patience you need to work on "issues" then work on improving your boundaries. Refuse to discuss issues when angry, make time to talk to suit

everyone. Agree to listen and then be heard. Set a timer. Be open, be reserved to be more distant from other people emotions and be more grounded with your own. Recognize and hone in on your own emotions. Practicing mindfulness, meditation, a healthful regime, socializing that benefits you too is necessary to being a good human. Im so tired of the fucking ripples that keep all my family apart already...All of it stems from the abuse and damage to the core of my soul that left rings on my childrens' lives as well. My Maternal Grandmother was in the Holocaust that tends to mare your parenting skills and the ripples expand. 3 to 4 generations of children no longer speaking to thier mothers. Im sure thier mothers were not to blame. No one protected me either. I was given up for adoption. I was abused. It happens.Thats ok I'll work with what I got. It can end there. No need to add to a bad situation. Maybe the 1person I sent off had my back. All because I promised Daddy Warbucks to make sure my best friend got on that plane. I understand I haven't been as good a friend to myself than I have to others. I was very self sacrificing like everything was my fault. Ive turned that bus around. At the end of the day you may think nothing matters. You matter! This world is nothing without your unique personality in it. Yet here you sit alone in fears with tears streaming down into rivers...I don't know about you but Im tired of wet feet. A lifetime of abuse and suffering very often at the hand of others. I over compensated for everything. Even my language supported it. It did surprised me on the face of Oliver that day. It was painful and it revealed more of the abuse of self to me often forgotten in the past similar moments of thier upbringings. Aha! PTSD, ADHT, me with Dyslexia no doubt I suffered along with my children. 11 years later we are finally starting to do the work that should of been done back then. No one was ready. I would of made my son sit at the table during dinner. Pressured my husband to enforce our agreed rules. Took time to feel and deal with the loss of Pearl, our marriage and business ...trying to understand our feelings, deal with our mental health issues Before seemed impossible, I never gave up on my family. i gave them the space they needed. Now theres Covid restrictions and passports. This stupid ass greedy human world. And now geography is still in our way. Its a lot and still only a fraction of what some humans suffer from the hands of other humans. Very sad. Friends will come and go. I know its what needs to happen. The toxic people have to learn thier lessons too. Next step is slow down give yourself some space and peace. Deep breathing till you feel you can respond when dealing with conflict. Or make another time to work on it. Do things at your own pace, no excuse needed they will wait, they feed off of it. Practice beneficial things. Like being self sufficient, its a struggle worthy of the time and effort. Im working to overcome my issues. I now know that's not the way that love or friendship should work. I ask why me what did I do to deserve such torture? I remind myself, it's only 1 part of the journey. Everyone hurts, cries and dies. Love should bring out the best. Not the worst. They are a lousy mirror right now. Thats ok we can still move forward. I can forgive them for what they were not capable of. I love them inspite of it all. As is, as it always has been. They were only capable of showing the negative even when I worked so hard to stay positive and be a good example. If not me then who? Critisim everywhere. No solutions only problems. They beat me down at every turn...I'm still breathing. Everything's a contest and no one ever wins. If you can't do this, then how are you going to do that? Why are you judging me and why do I care so much? I care not to be in conflict and this is what is driving or rather coloring my reality. I avoid conflict like Covid. My childhood trauma that I thought I dealt with years of therapy and moved on from was rearing its ugly head yet again. How

do I slay the beast for all time? My limiting behavior needed more help. So I needed to build a better foundation for myself. One built on everthing in its own time with practice, patience,acceptance, learning and more growth. So I won't have to walk away from conflict ever again. I can lean in and help us grow together as a couple or as a family or be what the other human needs positively in thier now moment. Sometimes its not about us, its about giving back with what we have learnt. I know it sucks that we have been thrown to the odds of fate to do better apart. Its not thier fault, or mine either. Yet heres me litterally paying for all of it. With my resources, energy, health and sanity. History has a way of slapping you in the face. Yes Im woke as fuck! Your opposition yes they too pay with thier blood, sweat and tears. Perhaps never on the same page or kiss or moment. At times my heart is so broken. Doubting thoughts need correcting. Like I want nothing much to do with the whole entire human race right now, I mean you no ill will. The Talliban kill with impunity, chaos and destruction in thier wake. Do they have no wants or desires but only destruction for what they can't have? Cant we teach them how to live, love and listen? Do they not want the same as others? A healthy family, a roof over ones head and food in our bellies? Are we not all from this world? I was told this duality is healthy. The human condition needs to see destruction to appreciate growth. I still don't know how this all will help that woman with the gun pointed at her head or to watch your family be slautered in front of your eyes. No human should know this. Violence has always been a part of being human. We are a human animal. I protect my life and those that I love. Life and death I choose to fight for my life and thiers. I also choose to fight for others ...when in reality we are just fighting ourselves. I appreciate everything I lost and have. So I sit in what will be my art studio and den...I know my worth and how lucky I am. I look about all the things that are still here. Stuff holds space. Illusions fade. Love can hold space for others. Did they loved me enough to say your beautiful or even I love you? Or cared enough to be by your side during your worst moments. Perhaps a we'll get through this together? Good thing I never needed any of that. I was always able alone. I did need kindness, empathy, support and understanding. It was devastating to be met with violence. Everthing was a fight in my life. But isn't that the nature of living? Personally Im tired of the abuse. They throw it back in your face every chance they get. So it seems the lesson is to look at who Iam or are. After reflection its our belief of who they are and who we are in conflict that decides the winner. Can they learn to look beyond winners and loosers? Meet us half way? Walk a mile in my shoes. I know I can. Its going to take lots of patience, proactive support and some serious housework and cleaning to shape up humanity on this world. I'm doing my work. Im not on this rock to police or please others. What about these toxic people? Where are thier lessons? They need help too, no? Society and my answer to that, is you have to go! Then the police say no. Due to Pandemic Conditions; I am in utter disbelief but I do understand. Past abuse that was not legally recorded. Yadda, Yadda shwing shwing. What about my rights and issues? Legal up Baby! Money and the boys club is still king. Harsh as it was, there are many other moments in my life that hurt me way more. I will survive this and move well beyond. I will not let others narrow mindedness change who I am. Openess, understanding, no judgements here. Yet my generousity was used against me and in the worst way by people I love like no others. Betrayed again. 》Tip off here. Recurring themes. Betrayal can be healed. At the time you could have punched me in the stomach, I wouldn't, couldn't even feel it. There was nothing but numb and delayed reactions. "Let's face it, the best is never good enough when you

have suffered abuse and neglect." Its a deep riff and or trauma that someone else may be responsible for in your psychological makeup that makes and moulds us too. It happens a lot. Unfortunatly its more common than not. Childhood trauma. I get that. As an adult I know it's my cup to fill. Unknowingly I may have inflicted it onto others, for that I apologize. I'm still a work in progress, working on myself here. I'm the one falling, stumbling and then I get back up. The damage has been done. Please walk away, I got this now. They had affected everything I did. At the sink, the powder room, the work, the garage.....mess here and there, important things left undone...here's me trying to get them all done and save the world too in one breath. No wonder its too big, too heavy and we all need to lift. The first step is admiting ill be ok, I've got my back. I'll get through this like everything else with tears, journaling and a hot beverage. I send strength and courage to those in need. You will find a way to cope, help and move on. Believe! I'll leave that guitar right there as a reminder of my shit and thiers. Along with the 7k check and your ego at the door. Let go of all expectations, broken words and promises. The stuff they said they would do...that they never did. You want something done? Do it yourself. Can't do it all then get the professional that you need.

I understand you are broken, we all are. The catch is you have to fix it and fill it. Talk to someone you trust or write it down, talk it into a recording app...whatever help you need you deal with it in a positive way 7f you can't then look that shit up. Own your shit and get on with living! You can do this! If you live in fear find a way to empower and protect yourself. Just remember we are just human here, right now. No super powers, no agents for the world or our times. Be humble, be open, heal yourselves and then help heal others. 1 person and 1 step at a time. Like the green grass that's brown in the spring, with water, care and nutrients in the fall it will be a sea of green. Small steps add up to big changes over time. Break it down. Carve out time for happiness practice. 15 minutes a day just you sitting in peace and quiet. Every step you take from here on will go in a positive, proactive solution oriented manor or not at all. It's what you choose to do《Tip. Choose better thoughts and food choices. Work on 1 thing at a time. This is what micromanagement is good for; on yourself. Yes we can be success and happy in life without anyone, that doesn't mean we should. We need to trust eachother and work together. We learn so much from conflict so don't fear it. Its what helps us grow and learn when we become stagnant.

#Rising above abuse #Mental illness healthy choices #Be the master in your life #Embrassing Conflict #Conflict resolution #Living with childhood trauma