#god!! i'm just incredibly fucked up and i didn't even have to have real trauma to end up that way

[moon-blanket]

Oh my god it's Part Two time i'm so scared but we're doing this we're doing this.

Thirty-ish minutes this time. I can handle this lmao !

William ordered Porter here, and it's the Only reason why he's here WILLINGLY. But it's good that Porter admits that he was giving Both of them an alibi. Hopefully he tells Vincent what the Fuck is going on though !

Oh my god no way it's a game of Clue right now

----

SWEETHEART IS OKAY !!!!!! THANK GOD DUDE. Milo's worry makes me want to crumble dude i'm- RAAAH.

They got pushed out of the room ? Well that's good. But scary !! What !!!

Damn, more confirmation that CloseKnit had something to do with the Inversion. Sick and fucking Twisted !!!!!!!!

David's worry for Sweetheart WOOOOOO !!!!!!! Love to hear it. That's family right there !!

----

ASHER GET HIS ASS !!!!! LET'S GO !!!!!!! PUSHED HIM UP AGAINST A WALL ?????

Hearing Ash pissed off like this !!!! is doing something to me !!!!! He's stepping up !!!!!! Real Beta shit right here !!!!!!!

Porter using Sweetheart for getting the Department an In to start taking down the dominos that lead to CloseKnit is incredibly smart, but of course Incredibly risky-- being the case that Sweetheart didn't get any "useful" information and potentially put their life on the line for it.

Valid arguments from both sides. Porter is smarter than he let on.

HE WAS THERE TOO ? HE CAUSED THE COMMOTION THAT GAVE THEM THE OUT ? PUSHED THEM OUT OF THE ROOM ? HOW POWERFUL IS THIS DUDE.

----

OOoooh, Sanguis Primus. How interesting. It's how Quinn got busted i suppose. This is all interesting to hear how it goes down.

Asher asking Milo if they get a vote was very funny. I replayed it for a good two minutes LMAO.

Fuck it up Monarch Baz !!!! Detective it up !! I can't tell the difference between Alexis and Baz other than the cadences of their voices.

DAMN ALEXIS !!!! eating this mf Prince up !!!!!!

And yeah !!! Where the fuck is William !!! What is happening with him !!!!!!

NOT THEM BRINGING UP ADAM !!!!!!!!! YO LEAVE LOVELY OUT OF THIS !! Porter coming to the defense about it is very heartwarming :)

AND HE'S POPPING OFF DEFENDING THE SOLAIRE NAME !!!!!!!!! WOOOOOO !!!!! Hey Porter I'm sat about it, I'm on my knees .. .... hey uh hi uh are you Single hey uh hi !!!!!!!!!! wow !!!!!!!!!!

DEMON "BLOOD" KNIFE ??? Works as vampire poison ???? An equalizer ?? Rare as fuck to obtain ??? Horrible Half-Life ??? Well that's not highly suspicious at all. I wonder who it could be

DAMN EVERYONE GET CHRIS'S ASS !!!!! Oh he's definitely guilty he Has to be.

YEAH MILO YOU TELL HIM !!!!!! Calling Milo a dog in return and talking about a leash is fucking Crazy !!!!!!!!! Thank you Baz for having his back (even though you called Asher a "pup") !!!!!!

No trace of Sweetheart in the room during the murder :') that's nice to hear.

YEAAAAAAAAH THEY GOT HIM-- WHAT.. . . . THEY JUST KILLED HIM LIKE THAT ? Okay ! Sure ! Vampire Justice... hooray !!!

"The House of Bennett just lost the game." actually goes hard as fuck.

I'm glad that the murder got Some kind of ending and justice, sure. But I feel as though there are several other strings still being pulled in all of this.

Oh man poor Vincent and Lovely :( Lovely's past trauma getting dragged up in front of guests like it's nothing. Both of their "first" real shows in vampire political business goes down in metaphorical flames. They're about to learn some heavy truths that have been hidden from Vincent for So Long.... and the night isn't even halfway over. Surely nothing else could Possibly happen. Right ?

William, what are you hiding ?

#redacted audio #redacted asmr #redacted spoilers #moon's thoughts #redacted monarchal summit #i'm So relieved and yet still So scared of what's to come !!!!!!!! #what the fuck is going on in the house of commons (Solaire) !!!

[necronatural]

for the send me a character ask game: madara (&if you’re willing to do another one izuna)

I always love hearing what you think about them!

Of course no pressure :-)

Madara

First impression: The incredible ice-cold neutrality I had to Naruto villains by that point cannot be underestimated

Impression now: YEEES BROTHER PROBLEMS YEEEEES YOUR FUNDEMENTAL PERSONALITY AT ODDS WITH YOUR LOVED ONES. It's so awesome his brother wanted peace but because he didn't trust Hashirama or the Senju Madara just threw it all away once he fulfilled his brother's dreams. Go king fuck up everything. The Uchiha don't even like you anymore

Favorite moment: That world war fight where he used his sharingan to fight a whole army. I'm sorry that shit was hot as hell

Idea for a story: I know I already wrote Madara getting doublecucked fic but what if it was from Madara's point of view. Wouldn't that be so funny

Unpopular opinion: A lot of fanfics posit it's Uchiha culture to be covetous of your family and so on but I think Madara as an individual has severe control issues and codependency from family trauma. I think he's tender enough to want to do better but definitely the type of guy to Yellow Wallpaper somebody. He did do that. To Obito. Also I think if you genderbend the characters you should leave Madara as male because almost all his behaviour is informed by his male chauvinism and I think he would not do the things he did if he were a woman. Madara is without a doubt a misogynist (You Will Never Understand A Warrior's Bond flavour) so don't forget that either

Favorite relationship: I have special yaoi favourites where I smile and laugh and clap at stupid fujoshit yaoi interpretations. Madatobi isn't one of them though. If they aren't being toxic and insane at each other it's not them and it repulses me. I don't care about topping or bottoming only mind games. Fluff reserved for Hashimada. I like Hikaku having a one-sided psychosexual obsession with him since adolescence but no one understands me

Favorite headcanon:

Izuna

First impression: O...lore [thinks about what this means for Itachi's motivations because that is his narrative purpose]

Impression now:

BLORBO SUPREME

Favorite moment: It was really funny how the anime added a line about how smug he was about the power of the sharingan and then Tobirama immediately utilized all the Sharingan's weaknesses to kill him. Way to kick a nothingdude while he's down

Idea for a story: In 2021 this is the only thing I was capable of doing

Unpopular opinion: Aro/Ace Izuna... And not only aro/ace but insane about it because he lives in feudal japan as a political entity who is sexy. Technically this is headcanon but the difference here is that I don't like it when anyone disagrees with me on this one. Tobizu is my NOTP

Favorite relationship: Platonic Tobizu wins for fucking ever!!!!!!!!!! Also I'm so obsessed with the idea of him as Kagami's post-grad sensei who sucks ass. He makes chuunin and studies under Tobirama and is like They Give You Guys A Curriculum?

Favorite headcanon: They're a romantic tobizu shipper but I believe everything Hinomori posts forever. Go into their gallery and know joy. Oh my god. Just remembering their posts makes me so sentimental. ⬇️frowing up

Sorry Izuna's is small but you have to understand 1. he doesn't real 2. anything that is real to me I wrote 300k words about

#ask game #asks

[nqgmx]

✧ ASTARION: BALDUR'S GATE 3 - a character analysis

this essay contains HUGE spoilers for baldur's gate 3, specifically astarion's questline! you have been warned lol

so baldur's gate won game of the year and for me that was my sign to finally buy it and try it out; i'm a pretty big dnd player / enthusiast as well as a crpg fan so i honestly have no idea why i didn't buy it sooner. i think like many other players, i was immediately drawn towards astarion's character: he's charming, enticing and he's literally a vampire so... who doesn't love vampires. i've become so hyperfixated on the game and astarion that i decided to watch all of his cutscenes, and one really caught my eye: the scene where you refuse to help him with ascension and he kills cazador. however, rather than being focused on the story of this scene, i was focused on something else...

astarion cries like a child.

and i don't mean that in an insulting way, like 'oOh, asTaRioN cRiEs LiKe a cHiLd', no he actually cries like a young boy, scrunching his face up and just weeping and weeping (and may i just say neil newbon did an INCREDIBLE job during this scene, like he did that in one take?! holy shit!?). it also really makes me think:

astarion is the oldest party member in the game, why does he, of all the characters, cry like that?

like you'd assume wyll or even shadowheart cry like that, but astarion? he's literally a 239 year old charlatan that flirts with you at every chance he gets. the reasonable answer is that the game directors / animators wanted to make the moment as emotional and effective as possible, however i'm an autistic teenage girl with a problem with overanalysing things so guess what i’m going to do? overanalyse it. i do truly think that despite everything, astarion saw cazador as his rock. he was his master, captor and abuser, yes, but he was the only other vampire he knew - he taught him everything. like, picture this, you get turned into a vampire and the only other vampire that you knew was the one who turned you. of course you'd look towards them for support despite everything, like you're a vampire what the fuck else are you supposed to do? i find their relationship so fascinating as on the surface, it's a heavily abusive dynamic with a severe power imbalance, however you look a little deeper and realise the trauma bond that astarion had with cazador. but again, that's just my take on it as somebody who only started playing the game two days ago and hasn't even finished act 1 soooooo

another thing about astarion's character that i really really love is during the cutscene at camp where, after making the correct dialogue choices, he confides in you that for the past 200 years he has sought company through sex, however after meeting your character he realises that he just simply wanted somebody there for him. being hypersexual as a trauma response is fairly common in real life, so adding it to him makes him seem like such a deep and complicated character. i find it so interesting that astarion is the only character in the whole of the game that you can have this unique 'not platonic yet not romantic something inbetween' relationship with. it's a really sweet moment as he's removing his tough persona and is just being honest with you, and it shows how complex of a character he is.

i finally want to take a moment to fangirl and just talk about neil newbon and how be ABSOLUTELY deserved performance of the year at this year's game awards. he's so incredible as astarion, like everything he says makes me feel an emotion (whether it's heartbroken, humoured or flustered as hell) and i have never gotten that in a va performance before. also, the fact that when he was recording his voice lines the crew had to tell him to calm tf down is so funny, and like i mentioned earlier the fact that he did the crying cutscene in one take is so ?!?!?!?! like SIR oh my god?? he 100% deserves that award, and his acceptance speech alone proves it. plus i love him so much for coming up with the goosetarion meme i love it so much it makes me want to explode

apologies if some of the points that i made aren't accurate, like i mentioned before i haven't played too much of bg3 so i could be completely wrong with everything i just said, so please feel free to let me know if i'm incorrect at all!! this is just my yearly tumblr post, i want to start posting more but also i forget about my account and then remember every like six months or so lol

#astarion babe come home the kids miss you #i love vampires so much it's becoming a problem #my hyperfixation is out of control please spay me #somebody save me from myself #astarion #baldur's gate 3 #dnd

[webbywatcheshorror]

Saw (2004)

You (probably) know what Saw is. On the slim chance you're one of today's lucky 10,000 who doesn't, it's a movie about a serial killer who puts his victims in deadly traps in order to teach them a lesson about valuing their lives, asking them what acts of violence or self-harm would they commit to keep themselves or their loved ones alive?

I won't lie to you. Saw is one of my favorite movies of all time, above almost all others. I've mentioned on a few other reviews how much I loved them, how much they influenced me, but this one blows them all away. It came out on video around when I was 15 or 16, and back then I hadn't had a lot of real experience with horror as a genre, but I thought I knew enough about it. And I didn't care much for it. (I used to be a huge wuss. I still am, but I used to be, too.)

Then my dad brought this movie home, and when I finally got around to watching it, I was entirely and irrevocably altered. Suddenly I realized that I knew absolute jack shit about horror. Its potential, the kinds of stories you could tell, the effects it can have on an audience. Without Saw, I would be an entirely different person, and I know how that sounds. I really do. But it's the truth.

Anyway, I said all that to impress upon you how very incredibly biased I am when it comes to this movie, so you can keep it in mind as we dive into more specific things during the review.

Another thing to keep in mind is that I am looking at this as a standalone film, and not the first of a franchise of films. (I might, sometime in the future, review the series as a whole, but not today.)

Review under the cut, and as always beasties and ghouls, SPOILERS ahead! (Yes. There are people who haven't seen this movie. Why they'd be reading this, I have no idea, but that's their business.)

Where do I even begin with Saw. I could talk for hours about it, the characters, the tragedy of it all, the in-universe details and the real life behind the scenes stuff. I am fully enamored with this film.

We'll start with the cinematography, since I'm not very knowledgeable on the topic and I'm less likely to ramble endlessly about it.

The scenes of the other victims in their traps, where it speeds up, really gives them a sense of mania, of panic. It really adds to the terror of the situation and gives these characters we get to see so briefly some needed characterization with the camera work alone. In fact, every time they do the choppy editing, it lends a feeling of tension that permeates the entire movie.

There's a scene, one of many, that has stuck with me these past 19 years, and it's the shot of little Diana Gordon sitting up in bed, half her bedroom shrouded in the darkness. On first watch, it's deeply unsettling, but even after you know who it is, it doesn't get any less fucking terrifying. One of my fears is the dark, not being able to see into a room or the entire room, because of scenes like this.

The characters. Good god, do I love the characters in Saw. They're complicated, flawed, neither good nor evil but a secret third thing: deeply human. (Except John Kramer, but we'll get to that.) They're all just People, trying to make it through the day, however they can. Adam, trying to pay his bills and keep himself fed by spying on people; Lawrence, dealing with the stress of being a doctor and a father who's lost his joie de vivre and decides to cheat on his wife about it; Tapp, wracked with guilt over losing his partner and letting Jigsaw escape, throwing everything he has into stalking the wrong man at the cost of his own health. The more we learn about these characters, the more fascinating they become to me.

Let's talk about John for a moment. More articulate people than I could tell you, in rich detail, about why he's not a savior, but I tend to just boil it down to this: you can't 'fix' people with trauma. I think John is evil, or close to it. Look at the people he chooses to punish- Paul, who cuts himself; Mark, who claims to be sick but is also seen out and about; Amanda, a drug addict. Paul could have depression or some other mental illness. Mark could have an illness that is only debilitating /some/ of the time. Amanda has an addiction problem. You know what would have actually helped them? A fucking support system. Some understanding. Not additional issues, JOHN.

John is, despite his tendency to target those already struggling, still an interesting person, as Zep says. He's also a hypocrite of the highest degree. Shaming Adam for being a voyeur, but drugging himself so he can lay in the middle of the bathroom floor for who even knows how many hours just so he can watch Adam and Lawrence fumble around? Pot meet kettle situation.

(I'm trying to keep this from becoming an entire-ass essay, I really am, but as I mentioned, I could do this all day.)

Adam and Lawrence's transformation throughout the movie is so intriguing to me. Lawrence, the logical Father Knows Best guy, used to always being the one in control of any given situation. Adam, low on the social ladder, prone to emotional outbursts, used to being kicked when he's down. By the end, they've become entirely different men.

Lawrence changes into an unthinking mess, acting on his out of control emotional state to an extreme degree, while Adam becomes a man who not only finally wants to live, but puts in the work to prove it, attacking Zep and killing him, with the kind of determination he hadn't shown until that moment.

The twist is still just so good. It was mind blowing then, and it's a great story beat today, almost 20 years later. When John sits up, Hello Zep playing in the background... it still gives me chills. To think of how Adam must feel, alone in a room with nothing but the dead for company, waiting on the promise of a severely injured man, thinking it's finally over.

Adam's screaming into the darkness breaks me a little, I won't lie. The horror of his situation finally overcomes him and all he can do is scream. That sound is burned into my brain, possibly for life. Then, the credits roll, with the calmness of the credits, Adam's cries still echoing before the quiet music begins to play, and the audience is left stunned. No relief for us, no relief for Adam.

In the years before the sequels, there was so much talk among my friends and I about what could have happened afterwards. Did Lawrence make it out? Did Jigsaw ever get caught? Did Adam die alone in that grimy bathroom? I used to make up possibilities in my head about ways Adam could be saved.

You see, I've always identified with Adam. Struggling to keep going, feeling outcast, chained in a place we didn't want to be, having to rely on others for help getting out, dismissed as juvenile, clinging to people that hate us because it's better than being alone, and wasting our lives because we weren't living them the way others thought we should, regardless of WHY. I had always hoped he made it out. Maybe in some other reality he does.

Anyway enough about that, let's move on. One thing of many I love about this movie is how it makes you think, really think, about what you would do if this happened to you. Would you, could you, crawl through a cage of razor wire to save yourself? Could you kill the family of a co-worker to save your own skin? Could you maim or dismember yourself?

There's an excellent podcast, Jigsquad Pod, that talks about this next point, but I have to mention it also. Jigsaw feels like a boogeyman figure. He sees your every sin. He judges you, then takes you from your place of safety- your house, on the way home from work, and punishes you. It can happen to anyone, anywhere. He can't be caught, can't be killed. He's a phantom. I love that feeling in this movie, the almost campfire story of it all, the way you might tell it to your friends in hushed voices at a sleepover.

I give Saw X ghosts outta ten. It may not be the movie James Wan and Leigh Whannell set out to make, it may have been rushed and stitched together out of all the footage they had and then some, but it's a masterpiece in my heart. It changed me, in hundred of ways I can't begin to understand, but I'm glad it did. (Not all of those ways are for the better, probably. I mean, I did spend several hours once, thinking up- in detail- what my personal Saw trap would be.)

As much as I love the entire franchise overall, cop-centric soap opera that it is, if it had stopped at just this one, I'd still be satisfied. I hope it never gets a remake, because there's no way it could ever be made more perfectly than it already is, flaws and all.

#saw #saw movies #webbywatcheshorror #webbyreviewshorror #horror movie #movie review #leigh whannell #james wan #cary elwes #shawnee smith #danny glover #michael emerson #saw franchise

[three--rings]

Maybe if I type this real slow it will be time for Show Now...

I'm lowkey terrified.

The episode title is Mermen. I didn't know that. Okay....WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

Yeah that was always going to be how that went.

Okay but like, can we appreciate this show, because what I'm so nervous about is essentially like the state of a man's psyche and how he resolves his trauma. Like, god Ed has to accept himself as a killer, honestly, without letting it tear himself apart, because tbh there is no getting out.

God I forgot we hadn't gotten that scene of Ed coming out of the waves yet. With the gravy basket and him waking up on the beach I forgot about it.

OMG Izzy's full speech...I'm gonna cry.

It's not the letter from ep 1 it's a more romantic one, omg I'm gonna die!1

So it's uh conforming to the opening scene. AH kiss!! Ah.

Okay my reaction just then is why no one can watch these eps with me. No one gets to see me this deranged. Not even my life partner of 25 years.

It was incredible babe!

Um, gratuitous man ass... god everyone run an tell everyone we see ass in this episode and let them freak out.

Had to go back and look up the song Al Stewart "Roads to Moscow"

Did Izzy just get shot? Is he really gonna die? I wish they would have shown it so I could tink it was a fakeout.

Fuck

That was a fucking MARVEL of a scene and it hurt so much and I'm sorry for a lot of people who are going to be very upset. I mean, I'm not happy.

I'm going to have to think about this a lot to get at how i feel about it because I am very torn.

You can't take us straight into a FUCKING WEDDING, WTF. Okay second cider time.

Fuck it's OVER. Already.

PHEW.

Who is doing this version? Of course it's not in the credits.

Okay okay thoughts....it was WAY rushed. I didn't realize they'd won when they'd apparently won?

Wait like, so it was join forces to kill this guy, then we're doing a wedding, then we're innkeepers. Like they didn't do the part where they joined forces to kill taht guy.

The fuck honestly.

Well I stand by what I said a week ago, this season was robbed of two episodes and a good amount of budget and it shows. Pacing was off, rushed, and ending unsatisfying.

so it feels like what they did was just stop mid-episode and give us an ending that would be SOMETHING if they don't get S3.

Which I can appreciate the pressure they are under in that regard.

I'm sad about Izzy. I feel like this show could have done that entire scene and then have him pull through actually. I'm sure many a fanfic will do that.

I definitely feel like this is not how or where they intended to end the story, so I hope they get a S3 and actually tie up things.

I have more to say, but I'm gonna do it in another post, one of my famous brain dump post-episode meta posts. (Now with alcohol!)

My tank top is SOAKED THROUGH with sweat.

#omfd #omfd s2 #omfd s2 spoilers #ofmd 2x08

[gay-kurapika]

God I just had the most infuriating dream of all time and I honestly think it was incredibly indicative of how I feel other people have treated me in regards to my sexual trauma and ptsd that resulted from it. The ptsd that literally didn't get diagnosed until this fucking year despite the events happening 10 years ago because I literally couldn't talk about what happened unless I was drunk because I kept repressing it, pretending it didn't happen the way I remember it happening, or finding ways to think of it as my own fault, despite the fact that there is no logical way this was my fault.

In the dream, I was in college, in a creative writing class. Instead of being where I was at emotionally in college, denial, I was where im at now, out of denial but still uncomfortable talking about what happened. And in this class there was this rich boy whose family had sway with the school, so for some reason he got to plan the lesson on the first day and subsequently the first project, which involved writing a story based on your emotional reaction after playing a "game" in which you relived something painful (like you could physically see the memory replaying) in front of the class, so everyone else saw it too. What played for him was like him feeling rejected by his parents for not being artsy instead of a business major. What played for me was really obvious. And the class was like lauding him as a tortured genius, the teacher was sucking up to him, and I was fucking pissed because I had just had to relive my sexual trauma for a fucking school project and yet my story wasn't good enough, wasn't acknowledged, wasn't moving enough? Was too "unclear"? Because it wasn't obvious and artistic, it just fucking sucked? Like I'm so sorry my trauma wasn't interesting enough for you! So in the dream I got into this huge argument with him about the "game" and how he was a misogynist. I didn't hold back, I said everything I hated about him. And when I turned in my writing project, I learned all of our projects were being submitted into some kind of national contest, and mine won. The kicker was that in the dream, he was pissed about not winning. He was supposed to win, entitled to the win by the school for being rich and making up the project. So the teacher said before the paper was published i had to include a reference to this boy that basically thanked him and made him seem really great. Not as a forward, which I suggested, but within the actual body of the text that was literally about my own emotions regarding my trauma. I was supposed to make him the hero of that somehow. Of course because this is a dream he was slowly morphing into the person who sexually assaulted me in the first place, so this was them asking me to write the man who assaulted me into the hero of my own story. I woke up while I was arguing with the dean about this in a room that had his father, the dean, him, and the male teacher, and when I was pointing out that I couldn't thank him in the body of the text without the story no longer being about my trauma I heard his dad scoff behind me about the word "trauma" and I woke up because I was literally so pissed off I couldn't stay asleep. But like, this is a bizarrely accurate way of how I feel people have treated my trauma since I've begun to acknowledge it. It fucked up my fucking life, but no one takes it seriously. My therapist wasn't even letting me talk about it, she was teaching me techniques to not think about it, which is what I've done for the last 10 fucking years, and I don't want to shut up about it anymore!!! And when I told my mom I couldn't tell her the full truth about who did it because I knew she wouldn't believe me or take it seriously, despite the fact that I was so messed up from this mentally that it took 7 years before I slept with anyone ever again because I had a fear reaction to anything more than a peck on the lips, and still fucking do. How is that not real enough? It had real fucking consequences! God I hate dreams how the fuck am I supposed to get back to sleep now I'm fucking pissed.

#ugh and i like. didnt want to revisit these memories

[anophelei]

I am a gay man who lives in poverty. But since I'm open about my hybristophilia, I'm "disgusting" and "delusional"... Btw name one of those victims you care about. Tell me about their lives. You can't, because they're semantic props in your virtue signaling. Word of advice, if talking to paraphiles makes you angry, then don't talk to us? I thought I was playing it safe by saying "I just won't visit them in prison so I don't act on my attraction," but acting makes me evil, not acting makes me evil . Am I just as disgusting for being objectum, or is that a morally good paraphilia? Never mind, I don't feel like being suicide baited by someone half my age, so I'm just deleting and blocking.

Are you lying about your age and actually 50 or can you not do math ?

You do not live in poverty you spoilt piece of shit. You live with your parents who don't let you use them as a piggy bank. Let me know how nice these times were if you ever end up in actual poverty.

I didn't even say anything to moralise your oh so sacred kink. I pointed out the fact that what you said is abjectly disgusting, morally reprehensible, has atrocious implications on your attitudes towards marginalised groups, and directly contradicts what you said on top of all that. If you think I am kinkshaming you for saying 1. you are not special and would have died as meaninglessly as anyone else, and 2. what you just said makes you a horrible person, then yes ! you are deluding yourself !

You don't get to "play it safe", that is called LYING so people hate you less. If you have to do that, people probably have a good reason to hate you ! It's not the fact that you jack off to Richard Ramirez, that's questionable and raises serious questions about your morals, but that's not why anyone hates you.

How about Konerak ? We are actually incredibly similar, his family fled Laos, my grandfather was born in the jungle during the Vietnam war, I had it a little easier in terms of racism, but I was still a frail little asian boy desperate for something that I thought I would find in the gay white men who groomed me. In his case it was money, in mine, some sort of affection, care, something other than abuse. I could go into more detail but god knows you don't deserve another person having to relive their trauma trying to prove how fucking awful you are.

I'm not going to suicide bait you, I'm not a piece of shit like you, and it's not like you'd do it anyway. I'll just do what I always do and hope that hell is real and will be there for you to go to whenever the time comes.

#tw fucking everything

[cainiine-a]

👫 gimme for all of them! uwu

Send a 👫and I’ll write four headcanons I have about our muse’s relationship. / accepting!

Joanna:

I'm not sure if they will ever reach that friendship level, but I feel like these two are more likely to share their traumas with each other than e.g. Johnny and Hidan. It starts off with a passing comment from Jo, something about the pact she has made with Abaddon and throughout their friendship I can see them delve deeper into this topic, bit by bit. It would take a lot of time and trust but they are similar enough that I could see them talk about it!

They sometimes stumble into each other on a night out, both covered in blood and various wounds and point at each other like that spiderman meme. Then they proceed to talk about whichever heinous crimes they just committed while they go to Jo's place to clean up and maybe order pizza.

I feel like Hidan might be curious about whether Jo even experiences other emotions (except for unlimited interest in everyone/everything and bloodlust!) and might prod at her to see how she will react to whatever he confronts her with. And she's incredibly difficult to crack but the only time he has seen her truly angry is when he took off Johnny's dog tags. Cue the punch straight to his face so she could rip them from his hand to put them over Johnny's head, before she pulled him in by his collar and snarl at him. " Don't you. ever. fucking do that again or I'll make sure not even your god can glue back the limbs I will rip off. " After a couple of weeks he can win back their friendship with an apology and food! But she will now always grab his fingers when he gets too close to their tags!

Hidan has accepted the hand holding (or was forced to accept at least), so he better prepare himself to have no personal space at all: she is leaning against him, propping her hand on his knee to show him something or even laying down on his lap because she truly doesn't see the potential problem in such action. At first it confuses him but then it's probably a competition on who can be more in-your-face about this (even if it didn't start as such).

Johnny:

Horror movie nights!! Johnny loves all types of horror movies but I think they would have the most fun watching the trashy ones: Bob is laying between them and being petted regularly while they throw popcorn at the TV when something dumb happens. They also try to predict what is going to happen to the characters!

These two get into fights about everything and it gets violent about 90% of the time but it's just so easy to get Johnny riled up (which Hidan probably finds very amusing because he almost always reacts to his shenanigans, unlike Joanna). They have gotten into physical fights many times, which result in them sitting next to each other, bruised, bloodied and covered in bite marks (side note: I feel as though Johnny would bite him often, sometimes even as a warning). But they are only allowed to do that to each other: call one of them stupid and you'll get destroyed by the other!

Johnny would also tease him about Abaddon's weaknesses (the peanut butter discussion? He definitely was the one who instigated it) and then sometimes throw in real information just to throw him for a loop. Just switches between something like " Demons are allergic to olive oil. But get the one from Walmart, otherwise it won't work. " to " The harder a higher priest has blessed something, the more difficult it is for a demon to interact with it. " So he can mess with him as well! It's always funny to see which hint Hidan thinks is real.

He will always pick him up with his truck if Hidan really needs it. But if he just calls or texts to hitch a ride because he is lazy, Johnny will keep the doors locked, look at him over the rims of his sunglasses and drive off with no care or mercy. " This ain't no taxi, boy. "

Abaddon:

Hidan might be wary of Aba and possible gifts but Aba would still get him some stuff every once in a while (like the true sugar daddy that he is): rings, earrings, some intricate and very sharp looking knife; whatever his heart desires! If he questions his intentions, Aba will just smile and dismissively wave his hand at him like " There are easier and better ways to wrap you into a deal, dear. " But he does like to see him wear/use his presents! Perhaps he is a little possessive, seeing him in his stuff.

I genuinely think that Hidan has developed a sixth sense for noticing when Aba is going to appear or has already appeared somewhere close to him. So when he turns around and finds him leaning back in a chair or casually laying on a couch, he is not even fazed anymore and either indulges in his presence or just throws some witty remark at him, possibly both. But I doubt he would ever flinch or really be bothered by the air of dread that follows him.

Coming back to the talk we have had about Aba switching his vessels: I do like to think that he would try to see whether Hidan would recognize him by saying something that is very peculiar or Aba-esque without revealing it entirely to him (because he likes to play games every once in a while) and would be amused if he doesn't understand that it is him (because he still has those intensely green eyes. That has to be at least a hint!). So when he returns to his 'usual' self, he will reject Hidan's advances with a smirk, half-heartedly looking up from whatever he is doing like " Oh? So now you want my attention? As I recall from our meeting yesterday, you 'do not want to do it with you, bitch.' So perhaps I should respect that, hm? "

Poor Hidan but Aba has no concept of time, outside of when it comes to contracts and also has no signal in hell. Or a working phone because it would just melt. So when he texts him to come over, it might take him a while to reply and when he does Hidan is rightfully annoyed like " Wtf, it's been DAYS, don't just ignore me! " Not that Aba really cares, of course. But that is just what happens when you decide to be into a demon: they don't answer your booty calls. Jo might teach him Aba's summoning ritual if he asks nicely.

#zealctry #(( my favorite atrocious found family! )) #( the call of mephistopheles. );; replied. #( you let me violate you. you let me desecrate you. );; relation: hidan & abaddon. #long post #tw: slurs #??

[weirdlyfitting]

Hmmm long time no ramble abt myself so here i am lmaooo

I've been keeping these thoughts and problem to myself and it has affected my mental health tbh, just ignore this if y'all don't want to read some negativity cause this had a lot of it :(

So what happened???

Long story short i enjoy video essays so much (especially for mcu) but because they've been too critical these days that the contents made me uncomfortable in so many ways

I love, LOVEEE video essays cause not only i learn something from a writing standpoint it's also about my favorite thing, it's like listening to a friend's story while i'm doing something or nothing, well mostly i did it when drawing tho

IF i watched these kinds of contents again again and againnnn, it's not enjoyable and i feel like it's too much. Kinda ironic considering one of the critics for phase 4 included having too many projects and simply being too much.

There are some points that i def agree on tho, but seriously when could these people talk about the good stuff that came out of phase 4? As in stuff like these

AND ESPECIALLY THIS

Back then i watched the wandavision analysis video after i started to watch (well obvi) wandavision and it grew on me because as the show went on he kept uploading the analysis of each new episodes up to the finale :D

It's incredibly shocking for me to learn that trauma played a really important role on the whole story, pretty much the same with real life tho so it's (again shockingly for me) relatable

Some times later then i find this video i'm beyond sad, and i think i had a breakdown??? Idk my memory's a mess but yea it affected me til this day

I hated the way she's handled in multiverse of madness like she's just having a solo story on her journey of 5 stages of grief and holy fuck she's a villain now??? But pre multiverse of madness she is a great hero to me

I feel like this guy didn't understand or acknowledge what psychosis is (NOT psychopath) when making the video tho (when talking abt pre mom wanda)

I've ever had a psychotic break and i relate to wanda a little by little as the episode went on, it's maddening because i couldn't control any of what i see, hear, or feel. God I just wish more people are kinder on mental health subject :(

I'm not a psychopath, i'm not a narcissist. I'm in need of serious help and by watching positive essays about my comfort characters, movies, or shows helped me understanding the why and what caused it (yes therapy is expensive). I needed comfort and i'd never do harm to others to get that comfort, the psychotic breakdown only happened to me and i've seen shits that i don't want to see anymore. It's a lot :(

Anyway back to it, i've rarely seen anyone who made a video essay talking and explaining about the good stuff that came from phase 4. As in like "the whole phase" yknow?

I mean this phase isn't perfect, maybe far from it tho, there were up and downs yes they exists, too many projects that made mcu feels like a homework and not an event.

But this phase was also one of the only thing that were there for me in dark times, reminder that in 2021 the pandemic still exist and i wasn't able to learn fully at school and all those stuff

Let's say i was still isolated from outside life, really is an introverted person and all i had was internet and comfy bedroom, not to mention my psychotic breakdown happened too for sometimes

When no way home came i feel like it's a movie made for me cause i was kinda in peter's place. I was too struggling to find a university, i didn't know where to go and watching this movie made me feel safe and keeping me to keep going to search on my uni

Then oh my god where do i even begin : moon knight

this show changes lives and i'm one of those life who's changed jagsjsgshsgs, i was in my darkest and i mean it, DARKEST mental state i've ever been on. But this show kept me going, this show was there for me, greeting itself as a friend then it grew on me as time changes. I'm forever grateful to watch this show when it's still aired from the first ep 🥺

I met a uni friend who loved moon knight and overall mcu and oscar too, plus the moots in here aaaa it's just so memorable!

So yeah, phase 4 may be messy and all but it's a good mess for me. I simply would not care anymore if i recieve negative essay reccommendations on my youtube, i'd only watch them when i feel like i want to

With now in phase 5 tho, i'm hoping the flaws from phase 4 can improove. I feel like quantumania is def an okay start for phase 5

there's always a room to grow

#mcu #marvel cinematic universe

[alostlittleriverlotus]

So I got spoiled for season 4 of Stranger Things and yeah, I'm not happy.

Tw/Cw for ableism especially surrounding ASPD and also spoilers for stranger things season 4

im not happy. I already went into this season bummed since the PTSD represented was basically just caused by a big scary monster. I know they have trauma outside of it, but having the symptoms line up with the monster attacks rubbed me the wrong way. Plenty of people with trauma though seem to not mind it, so maybe it's not a huge deal, but it was something I didn't like. And I just watched the episode at lovers lake tonight and hearing them go "hurting" when you could just say trauma feels so much like they're dancing around the subject. I know Brenner says it to El, but I just dislike how it's sort of danced around and nightmares and stuff come from Vecna. I know it isn't just that and he just feeds off of it, but honestly, I just do not personally like that they went that direction.

Now for where it gets shit. Oh yeah, Henry Creel aka 001 aka the orderly. I got spoiled for it when looking for the actor of the orderly and as I did more research I saw plenty of "violent psychopathy" "psychopathic tendencies" and guess what, he ends up being a really dangerous awful dude. He was my favorite character right away. He was creepy, but felt important and props to the actor portraying him cause he fucking did a great job. But every discussion around the character includes discussions of how he's a manipulative unfeeling psychopath. Every single discussion includes that including fan theories. Even someone trying to discuss what Henry had turns into "what we're looking at is psychopathy." Yet he's portrayed as dangerous, murderous, and he ends up killing his family as well as killing most of the test subjects and manipulating El. So another character with ASPD is turned into the antagonist.

It also sucks since I related to him a lot. I don't have ASPD, but his character already felt like one I could connect to even though I didn't really know him. He didn't even have a name revealed yet. It makes me so mad!

Also this is just a side thing, but seeing everyone go "it's about depression and trauma!" is so tiring. It's like whenever any form of mental health is shown, it gets labelled as depression or anxiety. I see characters with personality disorders yet it gets told it's just depression. I just, it feels like everything is erased under the label of depression. Like I have depression as a symptom, but it's just tiring. I'm just sick of everyone relating any mental disorder representation to being depression, anxiety, or trauma. Especially when personality disorders get so overlooked. I think it's great people can relate, but it feels like personality disorders and other conditions are just ignored. Even looking stuff up about my scenario and disorders, I get depression articles. Like no, not what I need. It's something that bothers me for a while and is probably just a trigger due to my lack of real identity and having the disorder and characters that show it be seen, makes me feel seen. So when someone just chops it up to depression, it feels like that one bit of validity is taken away.

But I just had to rant because oh my god, I was even relating to Henry, but then he just turns into "a monster and a killer" and someone you shouldn't relate to. Because of course. Because psychopathy is always bad (/s) just NO! I'm just so frustrated. This season is SO good, but at the same time, bad too. I'm just gonna end my rant here.

EDIT: Henry doesn't just have ASPD, he's autistic. Oh my god, I'm fuming. My brother is autistic and has ASPD and he's a dick, but he also works harder and is a good dude mostly (he's not exactly the best at understanding leftist stuff, he's more liberal.) But Henry has the same disorders as my brother and yet he's being treated like a monster! This is so incredibly personal for me. I don't know all the context cause I've only read up on stuff, not watched it myself, but what the actual fuck Stranger Things! This makes me actually so upset. The essay I reblogged is long, but it's well worth a read and far better than what I could say. My god, I am very upset. I was even relating to Henry a lot, but no.

I am so tempted to write fanfiction AUs fucking fixing this mess because I am not here for it! The framing of it all is like we are supposed to hate him and not trust him and El is good for not joining him, but I just. No? Also him lashing out at the lab just feels like another example of someone standing up to the abusive place they're forced into then being called the monster without anyone looking at why they did what they did. Because abuse victims are just supposed to take it then escape, they can't lash out at their abusers because their abusers are more humanized than them. I hate that take, I hate that bullshit. I hate this so much. Everything about how they're portraying him as a villain, as EVIL, makes me so mad! An antagonist is one thing, but no they full on making him into some evil entity that you shouldn't feel sympathy for. And nobody is talking about it and a ton of the fandom, even here on Tumblr, is treating him the same or just being a fan and falling in love with him. I'm just so genuinely upset by this.

#tw ableism #cw ableism #ableism #aspd #antisocial personality disorder #neurodivergence #cluster b #stranger things #st4 #stranger things 4 #henry creel #001 #001 stranger things #frustrated #vent #I'm just so done and I had such high hopes #autism #major ableism #stranger things season 4 #absolutely livid #demonization of mental health #demonization of aspd #demonization of autism

[silentxxsoul]

The ‘please let Maddie have a no traumatic storyline after tonight pls I beg you take her and Chim and Jee to Disney’ reaction dump:

When I was setting this up I almost accidentally posted it and man would y’all have been hella confused 😂

For real though can we stop trauma dumping on that poor woman? Let her breatheeeeee

I want a Buckley-Han family vacation 😤

Also my fantasy football team was ass and I lost so incredibly poorly that I don’t even need to subject myself to another week of the broncos 😷

Charlotte what are you doing stay hidden they’re literally trying to break in!!!!

Also dispatcher Josh is baaaaack. Still got my eye on you tho 🤨 don’t think I forgot about Claudette and May

HER PELVIS ?????????

BROOOOOO NO

Detective Buckley with his drill lmao

a fucking raccoon of all things

JEEEEEEEEEE !!!!!!

SAYING BYE BYE 🥺🥺🥺

Nah I'm convinced she's got them bugged

LISTEN TO LINDA SHE KNOWS BEST

Athena's allergic to Hoover, isn't she ahahahaaha

PETTITION FOR BUCKLEY-DIAZ FAMILY PET PLS

PLS FOX I NEED THIS

THEY ALSO NEED THIS

BUT MOSTLY ME

Sue ♥♥♥

Robert Nash!! I know you didn't just use Denny to get Hen to take that dog lmao

He looked far too happy to say "yes it is!"

Is this how she finds out about the dog because that's going to be pretty funny ngl

Oh actually this is a hell of a lot funnier

Karen's going to be calling Bobby again, isn't she lmao

I really hope this isn't Noah - like, it would be a little lazy to reuse the 'new guy' angle but also its too blatantly obvious that they want us to think it's him.

OOOOh.

Wait.

What if--whatttt if it's the guy from the fire? The IT fella ?? idk how he'd get Maddie's info but maybe he chose one at random?

Maybe? No?? Definitely no.

I just don't want it to be Noah :(

Oh hell no--you're a nanny not marie kondo and you as sure as shit aren't ordering me around my own house

The man was too stunned to speak

Well he's for sure in on it

Dude she's putting on a clinic and I love it, guilting the fuck outta him

Its a little late bud

This is shitty all the way around

I hate it :((((((((((((((

Like I see why, but still makes me hella sad for him

Hen is a blanket hog I see

Oh hoover lmao nooooooooooooo

YES

YES DIAZ FAMILY DOG

YES

WE NEVER LOSE

ACTUALLY WE DO LMAOOOOOOO

The noise complaint hahaaaa

Hen rocking it I love it ahhhhh

low key they owe us a damn Diaz family dog

I AM FEASTING ON THIS HENREN CONTENT GIMME MORE

ALSO STAN A SUPPORTIVE EDDIE WHO WILL HYPE YOU UP

AND STAN A SENTIMENTAL BFF OUT OF CHIM

AND CRY A LITTLE WITH A SAD SETIMENTAL BUCK

also, yes that's all in caps but I was typing and watching and didn't realize that I'd hit caps whoops

She's not going to go through with it, is she? Between looking a little torn and next week having to save Karen and Denny -- I think she's going to play the what-if game, like what if she wasn't there to save them?

Also, feed me all the fucking Dad!Chimney content

BROOOOOOO GIVE ME A SPOILER ALERT FOR THAT 🥵

It should be illegal to look that good in sunglasses

I'm biting my gd nails over next week I'm ready but I'm not ready

NO I CANNOT HANDLE

NO

MOTHER FUCKER NO

CANNOT

WILL NOT

SURVIVE

FOX

I SWEAR TO GOD

I WILL POST UP

IN FRONT OF YOUR STUDIO

#911 spoilers #911 fox spoilers #911 fox #petition for a diaz family dog #petition for a buckley han family vacation #petition for buck to move into the diaz house so he can also have a dog #WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT PREVIEW #I CANNOT #HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO WAIT ????

[discountdyke]

so the thing is that after thanksgiving I realized I seriously can't go back to my parents without addressing all of the abuse. I figured this would happen at some point, but I didn't realize it would be so soon. wrote out some very long letters to both parents, both revealing and acknowledging secrets about the abuse and looking for a way forward. put the letters in the mail tuesday evening and I've heard nothing about it from my parents so far.

somehow, I felt okay with all of this, and I still sort of do. I thought I would break down and seriously lose function but i just...haven't. I definitely feel depressed, but I don't feel like the whole world is crashing down. I feel like I can survive this without completely losing control, and that feels so wrong? shouldn't I be sobbing all day? that's how I was living in their house. and I have been grieving so much the past year or so for the childhood and parents I deserved but never had.

but what seriously sucks is that I'm basically unemployed bc I have a church gig that's about 4 hours a week. which is like, cool I'm getting some money, but it's not keep my occupied for part of the day. I need to get back into a practice routine which I honestly haven't really had for the past 3 years.

I'm sick of going thru the motions of trying to distract myself. I'm tired of trying to mark things off the list when I still feel so numb and tired. I dont want to think about how things will get better, I just want to sit in my pain. but if I don't check off enough things then I feel horrible about myself and my life. I define so much of myself on productivity so not having a job at all makes that kinda difficult when I'm depressed.

and just when I was getting my footing with all of this, new horrific memories popped up. they just absolutely can't be real, and yet I know in my heart they must be. that's part of this process. that's what happens when u were forced to split into pieces as a toddler. but why now? why is there more? how can there be anything more devastating than what I learned last year? and if that can be true, what else will I find? when will I actually be done with this?

and of course I feel ashamed bc I feel like my flashbacks aren't real (they are) and I feel like I can't grieve my parents when they're alive and my gfs dad just died (even though there is no monopoly on grief) and I feel incredibly guilty for "being mean" to my parents (who inflicted horrific trauma) and for making my gf worry (bc she cares about me). I hate that so much of my brain operates on shame. feels like I can't do anything now without being ashamed of myself somehow.

and I never liked christmas but this really is a bad time of year to confront your parents about 20 years of abuse bc everyone else is spending time with their families. thank fucking god I start the conversion process in few months and also that elise and I got to spend hannukah together so we had a holiday in that way. I just wish the entire world wasn't crashing around me while I lay depressed and dissociated from it all in bed.

#talking tag #i cry for like 10 minutes each day and I feel numb or anxious the rest of the time #it sucks so bad. and it's fucking nighttime at 5pm every day so that's REALLY not helping lmao

[honey-sweet-hiraeth]

Turmoil Pt.3 (Wanda Maximoff x reader)

Months had passed in the compound and you were doing surprisingly well. You'd started therapy, only to find out that your own trauma and emotions were actually pretty manageable. It was always feeling everyone else's and not knowing how you truly felt that was overwhelming you and making it harder to ignore your intrusive thoughts.

After finding out the real cause of your problems you began training yourself to tune out others emotions, so you only had to feel them if you wanted to. You also taught yourself how to recognize the difference when you felt multiple people's emotions at once. Like how Tony's frustration felt much different than Steve's. Or Natasha's anxiety was softer than most the other's, even when it was resulting in a full blown panic attack.

It was as if you could now detect the personal energy that was attached to each emotion anyone felt.

And it made life easier.

Obviously you still struggled with your own emotions, but they were yours and that made all the difference in how you handled them. You felt like you could finally acknowledge them, knowing they weren't somebody else's confused for your own. It helped you feel more comfortable expressing yourself.

Especially now, as anger coursed through your veins.

You glared icily at Wanda as she stared back at you with wide confused eyes. You had just gotten back from a mission, where Wanda had thrown herself into a group of HYDRA agents in an attempt to distract them from you as you were busy retrieving the data you needed.

It was reckless, and she'd gotten hurt. There were hundreds of better ways to handle the situation, ways that didn't result in Wanda getting the absolute shit beaten out of her.

Now that the initial panic had worn off and Wanda was okay and sitting at the counter in front of you, only a few bruises, some stitches and a split cheekbone as evidence of her impulsivity. You were pissed.

In fact you'd not said a word to her since you had gotten back to the Compound.

"Are you going to tell me what's wrong or just keep glaring at me and being passive aggressive?" Wanda asked softly, her tone was timid with some barely noticeable undertones of annoyance.

"You're an idiot" You deadpanned "An incredibly recklessly impulsive idiot"

"Excuse me?" Wanda's brow furrowed as she studied you, eyes wide at your harsh tone. You never spoke to anyone at the compound like that, especially not Wanda. The only time anyone had heard you sound half as angry and cold was when you'd broken down and yelled at Steve- but even then you were more confused and sad than angry.

"What the fuck were you even thinking?" You're words came out white-hot as your voice raised slightly, making Wanda flinch as you flailed your arms almost wildly. "You can't just jump into groups of enemies like it's some sort of mosh pit!"

"Y/n, I-" Wanda looked confused and almost hurt at your outburst. "They were headed straight for you, I wasn't thinking- I was just trying to-"

"I don't care what you were trying to do!" Your voice raised further, remembering the pure fear you felt when you saw her body disappear in the crowd of agents after she went down. "You're lucky none of them had guns- you could have gotten killed!"

"But I didn't!" Wanda defended herself, her accent getting thicker as she almost cowered away from you.

"Thank god you didn't!" Your tone took on a sharper bite as you snapped at the trembling Sokovian, "You just got beat up and knocked unconscious instead.- How could you be so- so fucking dumb?"

Wanda looked like she was at a loss for words. She could understand why you were upset. She knew it was only because you cared. She just didn't understand why you were being so mean about it.

"I-" Wanda sounded defeated "I'm sorry for trying to protect you"

You let out a humorless laugh as you looked at her in disbelief.

"Yeah well- I don't need your protection I need you to stick to your job" You snipped offhandedly "and do what you're actually good at"

A heavy silence filled the room, leaving you to your thoughts until you heard Wanda sniff

When you looked up to meet her teary eyes, you knew you'd fucked up.

"Wand-" You were cut off when Wanda dropped her hands to the counter, palms down and stood abruptly.

The hurt look in her eyes made your chest physically ache, you didn't need to use your powers to know what she was feeling.

Wanda took a shaky breath as her tears fell down her cheeks, before she quickly turned and rushed out of the room without another word.

"Fuck!" You closed your eyes and slid to the kitchen floor, your back to the counter, letting out a deep sigh.

"I know you only freaked out because you care about her" Natasha's voice echoed through the silence of the empty kitchen as you heard her footsteps approach. "But that was really fucked up"

You glanced up as Nat grabbed a water bottle from the fridge before coming to sit next to you on the floor.

"You think I don't know that?" You sighed dejectedly and rubbed a hand over your eyes. "She was so quick to just throw herself into them"

Nat watched you silently as you shook your head, a fond smile flashing across your face.

"She was so brave.. She didn't even have to think about it.. But they overpowered her so fast." You sighed softly "When- When she dropped out of sight I- Nat I was so scared I forgot how to fucking breathe"

"You guys are both total idiots, aren't you?" Nat chuckled softly, causing you to raise an eyebrow at her in question. "So are you oblivious to the fact that you're in love with each other, or are you just ignoring it?"

"Um- what?" You looked at the redhead with wide eyes. You knew you and Wanda liked each other, it was always just a known fact between you two. You just never acknowledged it, not wanting to ruin anything.

"Oh come on, you can't expect me to believe that whatever's going on between you two isn't something more than just a silly crush situation" Natasha laughed at your shocked expression. "You guys are obviously more than friends. You're freaking out over her getting hurt, she's willing to jump directly into the face of danger to protect you. Plus you should have seen the way she reacted when Carol asked if you were single."

You sat in silence, just processing the information Natasha had just dropped on you.

It was true. You knew it was true. You loved Wanda and you'd probably just fucked it all up.

"Come on y/n" Natasha gave you a sympathetic smile "Go tell her"

"Tell her?" You tilted your head slighty

"That you love her," Nat smirked "It might help to also tell her your sorry"

"Oh" You nodded in a daze and stood up with Natasha

"Good luck" Natasha smiled and walked off into toward the training room again.

After a while you shook yourself from your daze and made your way to Wanda's room. Stopping short outside the door.

You'd never really knocked before, Wanda gave you access to her room so it was never really locked for you. Friday knew to just let you enter whenever. So it wasn't really a surprise when the door opened on its own for you. You just... Didn't know what to do.

You stood motionless in the doorway, an apologetic look already on your face as your eyes brimmed with tears.

Wanda was sitting on her bed in your sweater that you'd left there that morning. She sniffled softly, with her arms wrapped tightly around a pillow.

"H-hey" Your voice was barely a whisper but it was just enough to catch her attention. Your heart fluttered as she gave you a small smile and patted the spot next to her on the bed.

"Hey" she whispered back, her voice raspy and hoarse. Probably from crying.

You gingerly approached her, nerves twisting your insides.

"I'm sorry" you stopped a few steps away

"I know" Wanda nodded and bit her lip watching you with sad eyes

"I just- I-" You searched desperately for the right words "You scared me so bad- I didn't know how to handle it."

"I know" Wanda repeated with a sigh.

"I was so worried I couldn't process it. So I got angry" You explained further as you shuffled awkwardly on your feet. "I was mean and it was uncalled for and I hope you can forgive me- if not I understand but it would really suck cause- cause I love you."

"Y/n you're my best friend. Of course I forgive you" Wanda chuckled softly, amusement crossing her features before going back to being sad "I'm just a little hurt"

"I understand that" You hugged yourself at the pang of guilt that took over your chest. "How can I fix it?"

"I just don't get it" Wanda started and you furrowed your brows in confusion. "We all risk our life being stupid and impulsive all the time. You've been worried before but you've never yelled at anyone for it. Ever. Why was this so different?"

"Because" You shrugged "I love you"

"And you don't love the others?" Wanda raised an eyebrow

"I- well yeah" You started "but you're different"

"How?" Wanda sighed in frustration "How am I different?"

You huffed softly. You obviously weren't getting through to her.

You slowly and hesitantly took the last few steps forward, closing the space between the two of you. You stood in front of her, between her legs that were now dangling over the edge of her bed.

You stared down into her emerald eyes as she looked at you confusedly. You gently cupped her cheeks and ran your thumbs along her cheekbones taking note of the way her breathing hitched and her eyes immediately fell to your lips before gazing around the rest of your face and settling on looking you in the eyes again.

You'd been in this position thousands of times. The both of you staring at each other, breaths away from crossing that unspoken line between you. Neither of you daring to make a move. Scared to break the spell between you or ruin the friendship.

But this time was different. This time you were going to make it clear to Wanda that she was definitely more than just a friend to you.

"You want to know what makes you different?" You asked softly, causing Wanda to bite her lip, nodding ever-so-slightly. "This."

You leaned in slowly, giving Wanda plenty of time to pull away and hesitantly brushing your lips against hers, hearing her take in a sharp breathy gasp at your movements. You stayed there, breathing each other's air for what felt like hours before you finally pressed your lips firmly to hers, reveling in how soft they felt.

Wanda let out a whimper and kissed back almost immediately, fervently motioning her lips on yours. Her hands fell to your hips, gripping them softly as you pulled yourself impossibly closer to her with a content hum of approval.

You pulled away slowly, smiling at the way Wanda lingered in the same spot, her eyes still closed as she bit her lip. Her eyes fluttered open, a dazed look in them as she smiled that brilliant smile of her's.

"Oh" Wanda giggled and you couldn't help but join her.

"Oh" you repeated back teasingly, watching the way her eyes sparkled as she looked up at you.

"I've been waiting for this for so long it's not even funny" Wanda smiled, biting her lip. Which immediately drew your attention to the action.

"Me too" You shifted closer again before pausing briefly. "Never scare me like that again"

You said finally and Wanda rolled her eyes with a soft smile.

"Shut up and kiss me" Wanda tugged you forward, toward herself, making you stumble at the sudden movement.

"Gladly" You giggled and sat on her lap, your legs on either side of hers as you connected your lips in the second many kisses to come.

The end

Tadaaa! I hope y'all liked reading this as much as I enjoyed working on it :P Have a good night/day y'all🧡

#marvel x reader #my writing #wanda maximoff x you #wanda x you #wanda maximoff x reader #wanda maximoff #black widow #scarlet witch #scarlet witch x reader #mcu x reader #natasha romanov #marvel imagine #wanda maximov #angst #fluff #loki laufeyson #bruce banner #mcu #marvel #carol danvers

[delcat177]

theres a pedo named werewolf-cuddles

I looked them up and I'm not following them. Could you please clarify what action you want me to take? I'm not really sure what spurred this, because I don't know what connection I have to them, if I reblogged or what? I remember reblogging a comic about a cuddly werewolf because it was really cute, but I think that's probably an outlier in relation.

I'll also need more than a blank statement to accept someone I have no relation to as a p/do. Please understand entirely that I am not trying to legitimize or delegitimize anything going on here, I just...have no idea what's going on here? Sorry!

Thank you for bringing it to my attention, whatever it is! I try to stay on top of things orz

ETA: Hey, Everyone Absolutely Fuck The Fuck Off, Actually, Longer Version To Follow

ETA: This is a flat rumor lie. You thought it would be fun or cute or something to involve me in it. It gave me such severe flashbacks to my own trauma that I broke last night and had to be put back together by my support system.

This is not okay! Do not send total fucking strangers creepy messages! Do not use total strangers!

I am incredibly fucking tired of being used.

I was used and used and used, and you don't even know.

Why me, anon? Who even are you? If you knew me, you would have known better than to involve me with something that triggering. If you didn't know me, why me? Did you think even once there was a real person behind the screen?

I do not support this message, I do not support these tactics, and unless someone wants to cough up actual receipts, I do not believe werewolf-cuddles is a predator. I didn't know about their God damned existence until yesterday so who fucking knows but you reek of rumor mill and I can't be having with it.

You succeeded in hurting an abuse victim. Good job anon. Great job.

#anon #tumblr things #i'm feeling temper #That Person #Lamp tag #i am incandescent without your shadow #Stick a few of those tags between your tooth and your gum #See how it feels #honestly just kind of cruel

[saintobio]

Hi, I hope you are well.

First of all, I wanted to apologize for the bad behavior I had towards you while translating your story into French. I didn't think it would bother you at all and I'm really sorry. And I'm even more sorry for the time I took to come and apologize, I don't really know how tumblr works. But now I've finally done it! I thought it only applied to reposting on tiktok that you mentioned once. I'm sorry for my mistake and for putting you in an uncomfortable situation. I really wanted to share your story, even with the language barrier, with other people because it is so fascinating that we could talk about it for hours!

I've been following you since chapter 4 of sincerely not. And your story is so amazing! It made me go from laughter to tears in the blink of an eye, a real masterpiece. The characters are incredible, they all annoyed me at least once but they are great, especially Yuuta, the cream puff.

I still remember when the chapter of the meeting of Sera and Mc was published. Lord, how unbearable some people were! They always insulted our heroine without even trying to understand her behavior or her way of thinking. And the people who preferred Sera to our heroine and wanted to see her. It was so cheeky and disrespectful. They both deserve to be happy but to the point of wanting to follow only Sera, it was clearly mean to y/n. They weren't even trying to understand her!

And God only knows how much I hated Satoru, but I'm absolutely not going to spit on his amazing development. The arc of his redemption was just beautiful, as well as his evolution as the chapters went on unfortunately it went very quickly with the chapter in Bora Bora, bruh.

But the most remarkable is Mc! What a sweet and kind person she was during the chapters. Sometimes I wondered if it's humanly possible to forgive such things. It's sure that with someone else the story would end quickly with a divorce and that she would not be worth it, but her past traumas were so well treated and developed that we end up understanding her and in some aspects identifying with her! Long live Mc. She made me cry so many times, she deserved all the love in the world. Even though towards the end of the last few chapters I started to hate her, like wtf was wrong with me. I started to hate her while imao I would have done nothing at all I would have just cried like a little shit and just for her mental strength LIVE MC !!!!

The antagonists are just as remarkable! Sera, Naoya, Satoru's father, how good they are! Especially Sera who in my opinion is also incredible, I was part of the people who had a hatred against her without even trying to understand and that during almost all the work, despite his past I continue to dislike him and spit on him without even trying to understand, but by rereading some chapters, that I had particularly liked, I strangely liked Sera, until I understand her. Even if she was very aggressive, I could find myself in her as well as Mc, she was like me on the side where you are so overwhelmed by emotions that you become violent and you don't know what to do anymore and that doesn't really help anything with such a father! And just for that her writing is just amazing, and it's a shame that some people can't understand that. I still remember when people kept asking what she looked like just to hear a "she's ugly" so they could vent even more on her. I hope that now that she is by Sukuna's side she can feel loved and forgiven despite her past mistakes.

Satoru Gojo, how can I say that I hate him but at the same time I love his development too much. He continues to fight despite the signs that it's totally fucked up. And I find it just amazing we see that he really loves her and he only wants her to be happy. But he was so stupid in some chapters that I almost felt sorry for him. I can't wait to see how he will evolve with the rest of the work and hope that he can get back in shape.

The other characters I like a little less for the moment. I'm not a big fan of Toji, but he was so nice! Damn, we all need a Toji in our life to advise us in this way and support us no matter what our life choices are. The teenagers, especially Maki, Mai and Yuuta, are incredible, especially Yuuta who also suffered a lot because of his mother but who is able to recover.

Gen and Mc's dad, honestly, I thought they were pretty uninteresting until near the end when they really started to get off their asses and support the heroine. At first I hated them for the inability to see yn's plight then I realized how difficult this situation is. But what I loved Gen, I was like go y baby girl throw the sauce. And when I saw that some people were insulting Gen because she wanted to support her sister, I was shocked. It was the same people who wanted her to hit Sera and Satoru, she's just amazing our Gen.

Anyway, all this to say that your story as well as your characters are incredibly well written. Their developments, the plot, we never really know what to expect so much it's unexpected and we finally get out of the cliché of the Ceo dating his little secretary and they have to fight against the evil wife. It's so good that I stayed until 4 am to be able to read the chapters as fast as possible, fuck the jetlag, but it's clearly worth it!

thank you so much for taking the time to write all this! it’s so nice to hear ur thoughts abt the entire series and i’m happy to know that you followed it with such enthusiasm <33 i’ve been meaning to reach out to u abt the translation thing, but i don’t have a wattpad acc :( anyways, don’t worry i wasn’t upset at all or anything. i understand ur intention in translating — it’s just that i have no control of the narration for translated fics + i don’t allow reposting, most especially on wp and tiktok. but again, thank u for the support and for reaching out to me :’)

#🖤: letters to saint #series: sincerely yours

[babymetaldoll]

DIWK - Chapter four: "Hurt"

Words count: 13,7K

The gif is mine ✨

Warnings: Hardcore Spencer trauma. Mention of drug abuse,  torture, Criminal Minds usual case triggers. Spoilers of Season 2 E14/15 Criminal Minds.

Summary: An unsub abducts Spencer, and reader blames JJ for it.

A/N: Have you ever wished you were there to save Spencer from Tobias Hankel? I know I have. I know reader wants to... I'm dying to know what you'll think of this chapter! Sorry if it's a little too graphic, writing Spencer's POV of this episode was really hard.

Series Masterlist

Chapter one | Chapter two | Chapter three | Chapter four | Chapter five | Chapter six | Chapter seven | Chapter eight | Chapter nine | Chapter ten | Chapter eleven | Chapter twelve | Chapter thirteen | Chapter fourteen | Chapter fifteen |

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

(Y/N)'s point of view

I remember the day Emily Prentiss arrived. We had a case in Saint Louis. Two serial killers, 'cos it couldn't just be one asshole making everyone miserable. And on top of all, Hotch was confused and upset 'cos he never signed Emily's transfer to the BAU. It was like someone was trying to force her into the team, and we all thought it was weird.

We left the bullpen off to the case and left Prentiss in the office, not knowing if she actually got the job or not. I know Elle and I weren't incredibly close, but it still felt weird to think someone might join the team and try to replace her. It didn't work that way in that job. It didn't feel right at the moment.

There is something I also distinctly remember about that day: Gideon talked to me. And not only that, but he actually trusted my knowledge. We hadn't been on the best terms for a few months, so that approach meant a lot to me.

We were at the police station. Reid and I had been analyzing the letters one of the killers had sent to a journalist to find something that might help us catch him before there were any more victims. That's when JJ and Jason walked in, and he asked about our progress.

- "He only sent this to an individual, which shows he is not confident enough to initiate contact with the masses."- Spencer explained as he projected an image of the letter on the wall.

- "Emotional indicators are analyzed through slants, and you can see the shooter maintains vertical, narrow letter writing, and both are signs of repression"- I said and pointed at the image on the wall- "And the pressure, if you look closely, it's excessively heavy, which shows that he's uptight and can easily overreact."

Gideon looked at me and nodded. It was my cue to keep on talking. For once in a long time, I was feeling approved by him.

- "You got all that from his handwriting?"- JJ asked me, surprised. Reid looked at me from the other side of the room, and I could feel his smile reflecting how proud he was of me.

- "Graphology is an effective and reliable indicator of personality and behavior."

- "But my writing is always different,"- she added, and I nodded. I was waiting for that comment.

- "Yes, because it represents your emotions at the moment, just like your facial expressions parallel the way you are feeling while you are speaking."

- "What else can we know about our unsub from this?"- Gideon asked me.

- "Well, our killer uses simple statements, all first person, like "I won't be ignored," which means he's obviously tired of feeling this way. He may have a job in solitude or one that he feels strips of his identity. His work might require him to wear a uniform, something that shows absolutely no individuality, or he may be overqualified for his menial job and feels that he doesn't get the respect that he necessarily deserves."

I made a pause and waited for his words. I was giving my best, and I swear I was still hoping I could ever get Jason Gideon's blessing.

- "I think we are ready to give a profile,"- he said and nodded.

And damn, that felt good.

When we were back in Quantico, Hotch had a long and clearly awkward conversation with the section chief, Erin Strauss. She was scary. She was clearly trying to get rid of Hotch, questioning his work daily, decisions, and how he managed the team. Why? I have no idea.

It felt she forced him to accept Prentiss into the team. We were one man down after Elle left. Ok, one awesome woman down, so we definitely needed some help. And Emily was a great addition from day one.

We clicked right away. Prentiss was funny, smart, but most of all, she constantly had to prove she deserved to be there. Just like me. Gideon gave her the cold shoulder from day one, and that I could relate. The only difference was that she won him over in a few days, though. I was still trying to win that battle.

Garcia decided we needed a girl's night, and she hosted the first of many "BAU Girl Power get together." Basically, it was us at Penelope's place drinking and talking.

That first night, we updated Prentiss with everything that had happened with Elle. She wanted to know everything about us, what we did, how long we've been on the team, and how we all got along. It was sweet and fresh. After that year in the BAU, I had already learned to enjoy the sweet things in life. Like getting drunk with my work girlfriends.

- "So, does Hotch ever smile?"- Emily asked, and we all laughed at the very same time. Yes, it was getting late, and we weren't as sober as we should have been.

- "He does! he does!"- JJ assured us- "You should see him with his baby."

- "He is a dad?"- Emily was shocked. I was surprised too when I found out Aaron was married and with a baby. The amount of time he spends at work always made me feel he had zero personal life.

- "And has a beautiful wife"- JJ added- "He is always laughing when he is with her and baby Jack."

- "I guess this job can drain the happiness from your day... "- I thought out loud, but before anyone could say anything about my dark and bitter comment, my cell phone rang.

- "Hey honey bunny, everything ok?"- I stood up and walked to the kitchen. I didn't want to interrupt the girl's conversations.

- "Yes, I just wanted to make sure you were drinking enough water between drinks"- I laughed and shook my head. Only Reid could call to say such a thing. He was the sweetest friend on earth.

- "Yes, I am, don't worry. I'm not going to be hungover or drunk tomorrow. I know you are excited about the new exposition."

- "You are gonna love it!"

- "I am sure I will"- and I wasn't kidding. I loved when he dragged me to the Smithsonian or any museum for some nerdy fun.

- "Have fun with the girls."

- "What are you doing, by the way?"

- "Just reading a little, you left your complete Sherlock Holmes collection here, so I'll be solving mysteries while you get drunk."

- "Don't have too much fun without me"- he chuckled and ended the call. I smiled and walked back to the girls looking at me with a funny grin on their faces.

- "Was that your boyfriend?"- Penelope asked me, and I frowned right away.

- "No, it was Reid. He just wanted to confirm we are going to the museum tomorrow."

- "Wait"- Prentiss narrowed her brows and looked at us confused- "Reid ain't your boyfriend?"

JJ and Garcia's laughter was epical, as well as my frown. They nearly gasped for air while Prentiss and I waited until they calmed down.

- "No"- I finally answered- "Reid is not my boyfriend."

- "He is more than that; he is her work husband,"- Penelope clarified, and I turned to her with my mouth wide open, shocked.

- "What the fuck? Reid ain't my work husband. He is my best friend!!"

- "Yes, and you happen to call your best friend "honey bunny," right?"- JJ questioned, just like she had a few months before when we were alone in our room away on a case.

- "Reid is my best friend, and yes, I call all my close friends by weird pet names. You will get one too if you are lucky."

- "But I thought"- Emily continued- "I mean, he looks at you like you are his sun."

- "No, Prentiss, the only coupe in this team is the one between "chocolate thunder" and "baby girl" right here"- I pointed at Garcia, and she just blushed and covered her face.

- "My love for Derek will burn forever with the intensity of a thousand suns. I mean, have you seen that man? he was made by the gods and sent to earth just to give my existence some sense"- we all laughed at those cheesy words, though Pen was serious about them.

- "But, have you ever...?- JJ looked at her and made a pause. We were all looking at every single facial movement or behavior she might show to read her body language."

- "My relationship with my loverman could never be tainted by something as mundane as sex."

- "Like you wouldn't lick honey from that six-pack and ride that thunder."

The words just left my lips, and I blame the buzz. BAU (Y/N) would have never said that. Drunk (Y/N) would, totally.

The girls laughed until tears fell from their eyes, and I just chuckled, honestly happy to make them laugh. I had been more of the real me than I had ever actually been around them in nearly a year.

- "Hello?"- my phone rang again when I was walking out of the bathroom. And this time, it was Paul.

- "Hey babe, what are you doing?"

- "Hey, I'm..."- I looked at the girls in front of me and sighed- "I'm stuck with paperwork"- and they turned to me immediately. I could read the "What the fuck" on their faces.

- "Well, I'm at Rob's in case you feel like dropping by. We are writing a few songs."

- "I'll text you if I finish with this early, but... have fun."

- "Ok, bye"- I hung up and sighed.

- "And that was..."- Prentiss asked, frowning.

- "My boyfriend,"- I explained and grabbed another beer

- "Sure, I could feel the passion,"- Garcia joked, but I just didn't think it was funny.

I knew my relationship with Paul wasn't alright. Actually, things with Paul weren't. Period. We were done, it was apparent, but still, neither of us had said it. That relationship was just a few phone calls every once in a while, only to make small talks. When we were together, we would just watch a movie, eat something, drink a few beers, and that was it. It had been a long time since we had sex or even made out. I don't know why I didn't end it sooner. I guess I was just afraid to do it.

But I let more months pass before I actually did something.

Spencer's point of view

I'm not proud of what happened that year after Prentiss joined the team. I think that year changed me profoundly, and a part of me never fully recovered afterward.

Maybe it had to be that way, and it was something I had to go through to grow up. I guess I'm still trying to make some sense of all the misery I put my friends through. Mostly (Y/N). She was in hell with me.

A few weeks after New Year, we started working on a case. Someone was killing wealthy people in their own homes. At first, we thought there were two unsubs, 'cos one of them called 911 after killing, and you could hear them struggling and arguing. But no, it was just one.

Tobias Hankel was a delusional serial killer. He had split personalities, not two but actually three. His father, the one who tortured me. The archangel Raphael, who was trying to make God's will, killing people. And himself, who wanted to save me, but instead, he nearly destroyed me.

What do I remember about the day he kidnapped me? I remember I was stupid enough to try to catch an unsub alone, just to prove I could take care of myself on the field. Hotch sent me and JJ to talk to Hankel at his house, 'cos apparently, he might have seen the unsub months earlier. But no, he was the unsub, and neither JJ nor me could stop him.

We hid in a barn, and I was so eager to prove I could catch him; I told JJ we had to split up to cover the place. I was counting on Hotch to get there with the team sooner than they did, and before I realized it, I was in the middle of a cornfield, and Hankel was pointing at me with my own gun.

I was sure I was going to die right there. All of Hankel's personalities were struggling inside of him. I couldn't stop thinking about why I thought I could do it on my own? Why had I been a reckless asshole? Was it because I wanted to prove I was an excellent SAA? Because I wanted to impress JJ? Maybe I tried to convince myself I could do the same job my team did. I knew I wasn't the most physical person, but I had a gun. I had been trained to capture killers.

Yes, I was an asshole that day, and I've regretted everything that happened that night many, many times in the following years.

When I woke up, I was tied to a chair, and the archangel Raphael had taken Hankel's mind completely. The room was dark, and it smelled awful. He was burning fish hearts and livers, 'cos he believed it kept the devil away.

I was confused and lost. My head was spinning, and my heart was about to burst into my chest. I knew I could die any second now. Raphael wasn't the one to show mercy. That's what I had learned from all the videos Hankel had uploaded to the web. He had shared with the world every murder they had committed to show the other sinners what was going to happen to them.

- "They believe you can see inside men's minds"- Raphael looked at me with dark eyes, implying he meant Tobias and his father

- "It's not true. I study human behavior."- my voice was shaking. I knew I had never been more scared in my entire life. He took out a gun and showed me one bullet.

- "Do you know what this is? It's God's will."

Things didn't look good for me. He put it in the cylinder of the revolver and spun it. He was going to let my life to luck.

- "You don't have to do this"- I tried to talk him out of it, though I knew it wasn't going to work.

- "No go, sinners, to your God."

And he pressed the trigger.

What went through my mind the seconds that passed between having the gun pointed to my face and realizing I had lived? My mom. All I could think of was how my mom would react to the news of my death. I could never bear to hurt her like that. I couldn't die. I couldn't leave her alone.

I sighed, relieved, and bit my lips not to cry. Raphael looked at me with a blank expression and walked out of the room. I had survived for now.

I struggled with my handcuff, but it was useless. My head was killing me. I could feel the open wound on my head, still dripping blood on my temple and head. I tried to focus on the pain for a few minutes, just to make sure I was awake. It was a nightmare, and keeping myself sane and conscious under those circumstances was nearly impossible.

How was I going to get out of there alive? Did the team know where I was? I had no idea where I had been taken. I had been unconscious the whole way. It was dark, and I couldn't see much around me. I wasn't afraid of that darkness. I was more fearful of the man that left me alone, 'cos he was armed and mentally unstable. Darkness had nothing on him.

I had to focus on the things that kept me sane. The things that made me want to get out of that room alive.

- "My name is Spencer Walter Reid. I'm twenty-five years old, my mother's name is Diana Reid, I was born in Las Vegas, October 28th, 1981."

I closed my eyes and tried to think of all the things that made me happy.

- "I work at the BAU, my best friend's name is (Y/N), and she sits at the desk in front of me. Derek Morgan is the closest I've got to an older brother."

He was. He still is. You have to be close to dead to start seeing things clearly sometimes. Derek was my brother. He treated me like a kid, but a kid brother. He was always teasing me, trying to teach me how to pick up girls, trying to drag me to the gym with him. Derek was a good friend, we were very different, and I knew if we had been classmates in high school, we would probably never have talked. He was a jock, and I was a nerd. But life had brought us together. And now I couldn't think of a better friend than him.

I tried to focus on my happiest memories. My birthday came to mind. The guys had planned a Halloween-themed birthday party at the conference room of the BAU. Of course, Garcia baked a cake and (Y/N) helped her decorate it. It was incredible, 'cos it was covered with tiny gourds and skulls.

- "Frank and Mikey sent you these,"- she announced after everybody had given me their presents. I wide opened my eyes in shock 'cos I had no idea her friends knew it was my birthday or even cared about it.

- "Why?"- I had to ask.

- "'Cos they think you are amazing. They actually wanted to come over to your house and have a few beers tonight."- I opened my mouth to say something, but Derek interrupted me.

- "Pretty boy is gonna get to work hungover again."

- "Shut up"- (Y/N) and I said at the same time, making everybody chuckle. I opened the present her friends had sent me and laughed right away.

- "Lucky Doc"- I read and took out of the bag a Sports Illustrated issue with Lila Archer on the cover. My cheeks turned red immediately.

- "Frank still hasn't overcome that story. I think he will hate you forever"- (Y/N) laughed (along with the rest of the team) and gave me another present.

- "They also sent you this. They said you were going to like the man in black"- it was a Johnny Cash's vinyl- "Frank picked it. He thinks he is some sort of musical psychic that can read people's taste in music."

- "We should get together and have a few beers one of these days. I need to thank them for these."

Gideon looked at me in silence as soon as I said those words. But I didn't care if he disapproved. I was going to be (Y/N)'s friend, whether he liked it or not.

He is the closest I've had to a dad in the latest years. He cares about me, and he tries to make the best of me that he can. Yes, he can be too apprehensive. I think that's a way to put it. But only because he wants me to be the best profiler I can be.

I never thought I would end up working at the BAU. I never thought I would love the job I do as much as I do. Back when I was in college, I thought I would dedicate my life to finding a cure for schizophrenia, but I ended up hunting serial killers across the country.

And though I was about to die, I didn't regret any of the decisions that led me there.

The morning found me shaking, cold, and scared. I was in a small cabin in the woods. Just like the worst and more cliché horror movie ever made. This was my own horror movie.

- "What are you staring at, boy?"- Tobias opened the front door carrying logs for the fire. His voice had changed yet again, so I knew it wasn't the same person I had talked to the night before.

- "You are not Raphael."- I whispered, looking at every movement he did.

- "Do I look like Raphael?"- had I insulted him? I couldn't tell. He turned to the fire, and I took a deep breath, doing my best to stay calm.

- "Thank you for burning those, for keeping us safe."- I said, looking at the fish hearts and livers he was preparing to put on the fire.

- "Don't try to trick me."

- "I would never try to trick you."

- "You are a liar."

- I'm not a liar."- it was hard to stay calm and not start screaming for help or mercy, but I knew that was going to take me nowhere with him.

- "Lying is a sin."

- "I'm not a liar."- he walked closer to me, and sat right in front of me, held my leg up, and grabbed my foot.

- "This will be over quickly if you just confess your sins."

- "I am not a sinner"- I whispered again. He took off my shoe.

- "We are all sinners."- it didn't look good for me, not at all, and I knew I had to talk to him with his words with his beliefs to save my life.

- "The Lord spake unto Moses saying "Speak unto all the congregation of the children of the lord" and say unto them, ye shall be holy, for I, the Lord your God, am holy."

Hankel, this time in the personality of his father, looked at me surprised. I might have done something right, 'cos he stopped moving, and for a second, I thought it was going to be ok.

- "You know Leviticus."

- "I know every word of the bible. I can recite it for you."- but his eyes turned dark again.

- "The devil knows how to read too."

- "I'm not a devil, I'm not a devil2- I repeated, and couldn't stop shaking, 'cos my life on the hands of a sociopath.

- "I'm a man, my name is Spencer Reid, and I have a mother, and I have a father just like you, and they taught me the bible, let me recite the bible."

My voice cracked at the knowledge of what he was going to do. He stood up, still holding my foot. He was going to torture me, he was going to try to break me, and I had to be strong. I didn't know how I would find the strength, but I had to be strong.

- "Time to confess, Spencer Reid"- and without further notice, he slapped a log against my foot, making me scream in pain. It hurt from the tip of my toes until the back of my skull. I hadn't felt that kind of pain, and it was worse knowing he was just getting started. Tears started falling down my cheeks in no time.

- "Confess!"

- "I don't have anything to confess."- I whimpered and closed my eyes, 'cos I knew he was going to continue his torture. And so he did. The pain was excruciating. I was sure I was going to pass out

I tried to go to a happy place in my head, somewhere when I could hide from all that pain. It was too hard, though. It hurt too much. I kept repeating over and over again I wasn't a sinner, begging Hankel for mercy, as he shouted I had to confess.

I made an effort to think about what he might want me to say. What did he want me to confess? Which sins was he talking about? But nothing came to my mind, nothing but the pain and the fear of dying.

(Y/N)'s point of view

The second we reached Hankel's cabin, I started looking for Spencer. I had a horrible feeling about it. Morgan and I headed it to a barn with Prentiss. There was no sign of anyone. It was dark and quiet. Never a good sign.

- "Shit!"- I whispered, staring at three dead dogs and a bath of blood in front of me. There laid the body of another victim that was missing from Hankel's last attack.

- "FBI!!"- JJ shouted suddenly. She was pointing his gun to us, clearly in shock- "Don't move!!"

- "JJ, it's Morgan, (Y/L/N), and Prentiss! Don't shoot"- Derek tried to calm her down, walking towards her- "Are you hurt?"- she lowered the gun and stared at us. You could read the fear and the trauma in her eyes.

- "Tobias Hankel is the unsub,"- she whispered as Prentiss rubbed her arm sweetly, trying to comfort her.

- "Yeah, we know"- I moved towards her too and put my gun back into the holster.

- "And we thought he was just a witness"- we looked around, and JJ pointed at the dead dogs.

- "JJ, where is Reid?"- Derek asked her, but she just continued talking.

- "They completely tore her apart"

- "JJ, look at me,"- I said and held her arm carefully- "Look at me, where's Reid?"- she was shaking, and her voice was cracking. I knew she was making her best effort to pull herself together.

- "We split up. He said he was going to go in the back."

And there it was. That was the reason why I had a bad feeling all along. Derek looked at me and nodded as we read each other's minds. The two of us turned around and ran outside, leaving JJ with Prentiss, waiting for the medical team and ambulance to check on her wounds.

Gideon and Hotch were inside the cabin, looking for Hankel, but there was no one there. And there was no sign of Reid behind the barn either, in the cornfield, or anywhere in the perimeter. Reid was nowhere to be found, and I started losing it little by little. I tried to repeat myself the words Hotch had said many times during my year in the BAU: "when you are out there with the team; your mind has to be one hundred percent on the case." But the case had never included my best friend missing before.

- "Hey, is there any sign of him yet?- I asked the police chief as I reached the ambulance. He was there talking with JJ, making sure she was ok.

- "We got every one of our units on the road. He won't make it far"- I nodded and watched him walk away. I knew he thought I was talking about Hankel, but I actually meant Reid.

I turned to JJ and moved a little closer to her. Her eyes open wide, staring back at me.

- "You can't find Reid?"- I just shook my head and tried to sound as casual as I could, not to freak her out. She was still in shock. I didn't want to make it worse.

- "Not yet"

- "(Y/N)"- Derek held my arm and forced me to walk away from the ambulance.- "Reid followed him into the cornfield. It looks like somebody got dragged."

My heart stopped. Did the psychopath hurt Spencer? Did he kill him? Did he torture him? Was he hurt? Was he alive? Where was he? Derek looked at me, and I nodded. I bit my lips and took a deep breath. Hotch's words were my mantra now: "your mind has to be one hundred percent on the case."

- "Are you sure?"- we turned to the police's chief, overhearing his conversation- "We are on our way now."

- "What's going on?"

- "The sheriff down two towns over, he just gave directions to a man who fit Hankel's descriptions. It's to a motor lodge in fort bend."

- "Let's get Hotch and Gideon"- Derek held my arm and walked with me to the cabin. We had to find Reid, and we had to do it fast.

That was the worst night of my life. The first worst night of my life, to be sincere. I didn't close an eye. I went through every paper, every note, every detail in that cabin, trying to find a clue that could lead us to where Tobias had taken Reid.

I felt someone had ripped my heart from my chest. I had to think straight, and to do it, I had to keep a cold head. But as the hours passed, it became a more demanding and more challenging task to complete. I knew the whole team was suffering, but that didn't ease my pain. And I knew JJ felt guilty, but that didn't stop me from blaming her in my mind. She left him alone. I would have never left Spencer alone on the field.

- "(Y/N), you should try to get some rest."

Derek whispered as he sat on the floor next to me, where I had been sitting for the last half hour, reading Tobias's old diaries. Nothing but fear of his father, mentions of Dilaudid use, and bible transcriptions.

- "I'm ok,"- I answered and didn't even take my eyes from the pages.

- "(Y/N), I mean it"

- "I'm not going to rest if he is out there in the hands of a psychopath, Derek"- I had to bite my lips and shut the fuck up, 'cos if I said one more word, I knew I was going to burst into tears.

Morgan just wrapped an arm around my shoulders and moved me closer to him. That was the first time I let him hug me, and it felt good to know I wasn't alone in my desperation. I knew he loved Reid like a brother, and neither of us was going to stop until we found him.

- "Welcome to our nightmare"- JJ's voice broke the silence we had been into for the last hour when Hotch walked into the cabin with Penelope.

It was morning already. There were still no signs of Reid. Prentiss, Gideon, JJ, and I had been sitting at the table, reading everything we could.

- "His computer is an extension of his brain. I need you to dissect it,"- Gideon whispered to García. You could feel the concern in his voice. She just nodded in shock and turned to Derek, who held her hand and helped her get set up in the computer room.

- "So, nothing new since I left?"- Hotch asked and looked at us. I just shook my head and continued reading.

- "Well, the good thing is the guy documented practically every second of his life"- Prentiss words took me from the pages I was reading. I looked at her and raised an eyebrow. The concept of "good" was poorly used in that phrase.

- "The bad news is, we are still un-piling,"- she added and sighed.

- "From the looks of it, he hasn't left this place in years,"- JJ managed to say. She made her best effort to be useful, but she was in worse shape than everybody else. Yet, that didn't make me feel bad for her. I was mad at her and kept making my best to put it aside, 'cos my head had to be in the case.

- "He knew he could pretend to be looking for a motel and throw us off his trail,"- Emily inferred, but I shook my head as soon as I heard her.

- "No, no, no, it's more than that!"- I shook my head and took a deep breath- "Sheriff's office, 911 calls, every time he engages the police and gets away with it... he reassures himself, God's on his side. Not ours."- I added.

Gideon nodded, and we shared a moment of agreement. He was as worried as I was. I could feel it. I'm not saying the rest of the team wasn't, I'm saying Jason was as fucked up as I was, and I could sense he was having the same trouble I had making sure my head and not my sentiments were into the case.

But if anything happened to Reid, I didn't know what I was capable of doing.

At a certain point, I got sick of reading and not doing anything and decided to look around the house again if we had missed anything. Derek went along. One part of me felt he wanted to stay away from JJ too. Maybe he was as mad as I was about her leaving Reid alone. I know I couldn't blame her, but I did it anyway.

- "Guys!! I think I've got something!"- Derek yelled, and I ran over. He opened a door that led to a basement. I walked right behind him, pointing my gun and my flashlight all over. But there was no sign of Reid.

- "Tobias Hankel!!"- Morgan shouted. Someone was sitting in what looked to be a gigantic freezer- "Tobias!"- but we didn't get any response. I took a step closer and examined carefully.

- "Morgan, I think we just found Hankel's father."

Spencer's point of view

On my second night in that cabin, I met Tobias. The third personality of Hankel walked into the room, carrying what seemed to be a dead deer. He looked as frightened as I was.

- "You need to eat."

- "What's your name?"

- "Tobias."

- "Tobias, who was here before?"

- "Probably my father."

He looked at me up and down, and he immediately understood what he had done to me. It was scary how he could dissociate. Someone with multiple personality disorder is usually unaware of the other personality states and memories when an alter is dominant. In this case, Tobias knew the other personalities but considered them different persons. He didn't think they were all in his head.

- "I'm sorry if he hurt you."

He looked at me like he understood everything I had been going through. Maybe he had been through something similar when his father was alive. Perhaps he had been a victim of Hankel as well, and that's what triggered his psychopathic nature.

He walked over and took out his belt.

- "What are you doing?"- he wrapped it around my arm, and I started begging him to stop.

- "It helps"- he took out of his pocket a needle and a small bottle of what seemed to be some kind of drug.

- "Don't tell my father. He doesn't know they are here."

- "Please, I don't want it, I don't want it, please"- I cried and begged.

- "It helps. I know"- it was the last thing Tobias said before the needle found my vein.

And he was right. It helped. Every single amount of pain I was feeling disappeared. My brain shut down. Somehow, everything was ok. I never had in my entire life felt so good before.

My mind kept flashing memories of when I was a kid. I kept seeing images of the day my father left and how he called my mother crazy.

- "You are weak"- mom spit those words after he refused to take me with him. I know she said it not because she didn't want me with her, but because mom knew she was sick and wanted the best for me. And he refused.

- "I'm not weak."- I whispered as I looked at her smiling back at me.

- "I know, honey."

I don't know how long I was drugged, but when I woke up, Tobias wasn't there with me anymore. It was his father.

And the torture continued.

(Y/N)'s point of view

Gideon was trying to convince me to go out with Prentiss and JJ to see a Narcotics anonymous's contact that might give us more information about Tobias. Emily had found some flyers about it in his room, and it could be the only lead we had to find him and Reid.

- "You need to get out of this house for a while"- he whispered and tapped on my back.

I knew he wasn't the one to be loving or physical with people, less with me. But that moved me. I turned to him and my eyes watered up. I was scared, and I couldn't hide it anymore. The more hours passed, the fewer the chances were to find Spencer safe. Alive.

I felt his arms around me suddenly, holding me tight, trying to keep the pieces of me together. We were alone on the porch, and though I didn't want to fall apart, I couldn't hold it anymore.

Jason didn't say a word. He just hugged me and let me cry for a few minutes. I didn't say anything either. I actually couldn't because I was overwhelmed with everything.

- "Are you ready, (Y/N)?"

Prentiss whispered as she walked over with JJ. I turned my back at them for a second to hide the tears that kept falling down my cheeks. I knew it was a shitty thing to do, 'cos it was obvious I had been sobbing, but they gave me the courtesy of not saying anything.

- "You go, I need (Y/N)'s assistance with some diary entries"- the two of them walked away quietly, and thankfully, didn't argue with Gideon.

- "Thank you,"- I whispered and felt his hand on my shoulder one more time.

- "You are doing a fantastic job,"- he said and turned around.

I wish I could tell you that made me feel better, but instead, I just thought I had the duty to bring my friend back home safe.

It had been at least an hour since the girls left. Morgan, Hotch, Gideon, and the police chief were in the living room with me, reading. I sipped my hundredth cup of coffee and re-read the same diary entry for the third time.

- "There's something weird going on here."- I thought out loud and walked towards Gideon

- "You think?"- the police chief turned to me and raised an eyebrow, ironically.

- "No, seriously, check this out. This journal is filled with religious ramblings. He notated hour by hour: "November 15th, 3:17, if ye offer a sacrifice of peace offering unto the Lord, ye shall offer it at your own will", and it goes on and on: 5:04, 7:41, 10:22, 1:42."

I made a short pause and looked at Gideon and Hotch. They didn't get where I was going.

- "But then, it goes blank for days."

- "Maybe he got sick of writing"- I seriously hated that police chief.

- "I think I got it"- Hotch whispered- "Journal entry: "December 6th. Father is sick. He wants me to put him down. I say thou shalt not kill. He said, honor thy father. Must pray for guidance."

- "So he kills his father as an act of mercy?"- Gideon asked, knowing the answer.

- "This is two months ago. Tobias Hankel's father had been dead for four months already."

- "That's exactly it"- I murmured, thinking Tobias Hankel was way more fucked up than we thought.

- "Look at the floor"- Derek pointed at a chair and moved it- "These scuffs marks are fresh. It's like two people were pushing the chairs constantly, trying to fight for control."

- "So?"- I swear to God, that chief was driving me insane.

- "This journal matches Charles Hankel's handwriting, but it was written after he died"- I explained. Still, it felt he wasn't following me.

- "What do you mean?"

- "Upstairs, Tobias' bedroom got junk piled from floor to ceiling, but the other bedroom could pass a military inspection."

- "So, are you telling me one of Tobias' personalities was his father?"

Apparently, I had to draw a picture so the chief would get it. Fortunately, Gideon continued explaining the whole problem before I lost what was left of my patience.

- "Well, Tobias was raised with a strict religious code, black and white, right and wrong. When his father asked Tobias to kill him, something had to give."

- "His brain couldn't handle the moral contradiction, so he split into two personalities to keep his father alive."

Hotch tried to put it most easy and simple words possible.

- "So, who is Raphael?"

- "My guess, he is a mediator between the two"- Gideon nodded at my words and sighed.

- "Angels have no human emotions, live or die. They don't care, as long it's God's will."

- "We need to start profiling Tobias' father. He may be the one who chose where to take Reid."

Finally, I felt we were going somewhere.

When Emily and JJ came back, they gave us the news. Tobias was addicted to Dilaudid, which explained the fracture in his mind, and how he lived with three distinct personalities.

The police chief announced a computer store robbery, giving us some hopes that Tobias would use them to track him down.

- "Guys!! Guys!! get in here!!- I heard Derek shouting and I ran to the computer room. I felt sick in the stomach in less than a second. There he was, Spencer. My Spencer Walter Reid, tied to a chair, bleeding, shoeless. Clearly tortured.

- "He's been beating,"- I whispered, feeling my eyes water up. I would have given anything to be there instead of him.

- "Can you track him?!"- JJ yelled by my side, and I nearly smacked her. That's how sensitive I was feeling.

- "Hankel's only streaming this to his home computer."- Garcia whispered. And my heart dropped with those words.

That wasn't what I was supposed to hear. We were supposed to find him and bring him back safe.

- "This is for us"- Gideon didn't take his eyes from the screen- "He knows we are here."

- "I'm gonna put this guy's head on a stick"- Morgan was so mad I believed him. I wanted to do the same, if worse.

- "I'm gonna kill him myself as soon as we find him,"- I said and felt Aaron's hand on my shoulder as he asked Garcia

- "Why can't you locate him?"

- "He's rerouting to a different IP address every 30 seconds. I can't track him."

It knew it had to be hard if Penelope couldn't find her, but that didn't help. If anything, it made everything worse. I felt powerless. Hankel couldn't be more intelligent than us.

Spencer's point of view

- "Are you ready, boy?"- Hankel pulled my hair and forced me to look at him. I was still as high as fuck, but knew I was about to be tortured again.

- "Ready for what?"

- "My weakling son thinks God gave you to him for a reason"- if the reason was to get me into drugs, then the answer was yes.

Hankel placed a video camera in front of me.

- "Can you really see inside men's minds?"- he asked me and made a pause, pointing to three screens- See these vermin?

It took me a second to realize he was showing me images of real people. He had put cameras in those people's houses. How? When? What kind of sick game did he want me to play with him?

- "Choose one to die. I let you choose one to live."

- "No"- I didn't even think about my answer.

- "I thought you wanted to be some kind of savior."

- "You are a sadist and a psychotic break. You won't stop killing. Your word is not true."

I don't know if it was because of the drugs or because I hadn't eaten or drank any water in too long, but I was somehow resigned and tired of fighting.

- "The other heathens are watching- Hankel announced and pointed at the camera in front of me."

My eyes fixated on the camera right away. My team was watching me. (Y/N) was watching me. I didn't want to make her worry even more. I needed her to know I was ok. I know I wasn't, but I didn't want her to worry about me.

- "Choose a sinner to die, and I'll say the name and address of the person to be saved"- Hankel was sick. It was all a game, and religion was just an excuse to kill.

- "I won't get to choose who gets slaughtered and have you leave their remains behind like a poacher."

Hankel didn't like my answer, 'cos he grabbed me and pulled me up, looking into my eyes, insulted, annoyed, losing his temper.

- "Can you really see into my mind, boy?"

He was honestly scary, and it petrified me to think he could execute me right there, in front of the team, and I could never tell them how much they mean.

- "Can you see I'm not a liar?!"- he insisted. I nearly whimpered but made my best not to break- "Choose one to die and save a life. Otherwise, they are all dead."

He dropped me on the chair and turned around. It was clear he wasn't joking. I took a deep breath and nodded.

- "Alright, I'll choose who lives."

- "They are all the same"

My eyes traveled across all the monitors. It was nearly impossible to pick one person to live, knowing all the other people there would die. Hankel was sick, and I had to set a plan to escape because otherwise, I would end up dead.

- "Far right screen,"- I whispered. He turned around and nodded.

Then, he recited the name and address of the woman on the screen. I prayed for the team to find her before Hankel came after her too.

No. It wasn't Hankel this time.

- "Raphael,"- I whispered, and he nodded. I looked at the screen again. The woman we were watching picked up the phone. She was in her kitchen. He walked around, frowned, and turned to her computer. In a second, she had turned it off. My team had reached her. She was safe, I hoped.

Hankel turned the camera off and looked at me.

- "You've done your part. Now it's my turn."

I knew what that meant. It wasn't good.

He left the cabin, and all I could see were the monitors in front of me. Those people were going to die. They were going to die because I didn't pick them. I killed them. You don't need to pull a trigger to kill someone. I could never forget those words. And this time, they meant more than anytime before. I didn't press a trigger, but I had killed two innocent people. And I actually had to watch them die.

When I saw Rapahel walk into the victims' house, I tried to close my eyes and think of anything else. A part of me kept thinking he wasn't going to kill them. He just wanted to threaten me.

But not. Raphael slaughtered them.

I found myself craving whatever it was that Tobias had given me the night before. The drug in my veins had given me a kind of peace I had never felt. And I never thought I'd have either. The type of peace that can be addictive, 'cos it turns your head off. And God knows, sometimes I needed to turn my head off.

Remembering everything that has ever happened to me, especially all the awful things, wasn't a gift. It was a burden. And whatever it was that Tobias had put in my veins, it had taken that burden from my shoulders, at least for a couple of hours.

Who wouldn't want some more of that peace?

- "Reid!"- Gideon's voice took me from my thoughts. He was sitting right in front of the camera in the victim's house. He was there with Hotch and the police, investigating the crime scene.

- "If you are watching this, you are not responsible for this. You understand me? he is perverting God to justify murder. You are stronger than him. He can not break you."

I know he meant it. But I couldn't believe any of that, not after watching a family get slaughter just because I didn't pick them.

(Y/N)'s point of view

- "I thought you were going to try and get some rest,"- I said as JJ walked to me in silence. I made myself my hundredth cup of coffee, and she just showed up next to me, trying to engage in conversation, I guess.

- "Everybody else is working. I should be too."

- "We can handle it,"- I whispered and refused to look at her. I swear I was trying not to hate her, but it was getting harder and harder with every hour that passed without finding Reid.

- "It's funny, I keep thinking the one thing we need to crack this case is... well... Reid"- she chuckled, nervously and I just looked at her and nodded. I didn't even smile. I didn't move a muscle.

I didn't want to be with her, or anyone, as a matter of fact. And I wasn't going to hide it anymore. So I tried to walk away.

- "You think Reid and I should have stayed together at the barn, don't you?"

I stopped walking and looked at her. You could tell she was having a hard time facing the whole situation, and most of all, you could tell she felt guilty.

That really didn't stop me from being mad at her. I was trying to be the better woman during the investigation, but the uncertainty was getting on my nerves.

- "JJ, go get some rest,"- I tried to answer calmly, but I knew I was looking at her like she was dead to me.

- "I can tell that's what you are thinking, so..."

- "I just wanna get Spencer home safe."

- "But... if I had his back like I was supposed to do, he'd be here now"- and that was enough.

- "JJ, what the fuck do you want from me?"

- "I just...."- she was about to cry, you could tell- "I want someone to tell me the truth."

- "You want the truth? Ok, there you go: I would have never left him alone. None of this would have happened if I had been the one with him out there! 'cos I would never let anyone or anything hurt him!!"

I shouted. All the anger I had been feeling those days was finally getting off my chest. And fuck, it felt good.

- "You fucked it up, JJ, and if something happens to Spencer, I am never going to forgive you, never!"

JJ bit her lips, trying her best not to cry. But I still couldn't feel sorry for her.

- "Is that the truth you were looking for?"

- "(Y/L/N)?"- Hotch stood next to me with the most annoyed look in his eyes.

I knew I was out of line, but this wasn't about work anymore. This was personal. This was Reid we were talking about, and JJ had fucked it up. There was nothing to discuss.

- "What? You sent him with her, now she is here, and he isn't. What else is there to say?"

- "(Y/N)!"- Hotch followed me as I stormed out of the kitchen and out of the cabin- "(Y/N)! stop!"

- "What?!"- and I simply snapped- "Are you gonna suspend me for telling her the truth? Are you going to fire me for losing my shit while working a case!? Fine! I don't care! I don't give a fuck! All I care about right now is that my best friend is missing, and a fucking psychopath has him! That's all I can think of. That's all I've been thinking about for the last two days!"

I was yelling at Hotch. I was yelling at my unit chief. I was fucked. I knew he was going to fire me after that. But I couldn't help it. I was going insane. Tears kept falling from my eyes as I held my cup of coffee tight, holding onto it with my life.

- "(Y/N), we are all worried about Reid."

- "I know you are all worried. I am too, and I'm also afraid and mad and going fucking insane knowing I am standing here not knowing what to do to save him."

- "That doesn't give you the right to treat JJ like this is her fault"- I don't know if he was talking like my unit chief or like a father figure trying to end a fight between two of his kids.

- "Did she stay with Reid?"- I simply replied and looked at Hotch in the eyes- "Did she?"

- "She is not the only one who feels guilty, so do I. And I know I won't forgive myself if anything happens to Reid."

Hotch made a pause and tried to find a way to say what he wanted to say. The door opened, and Gideon walked to us. He knew what was going on, and he didn't say a thing. I was sure he had already heard everything. We weren't actually arguing quietly.

- "We are not getting any closer,"- Aaron finally said.

- "Reid is brilliant. He'll figure out how to survive"- Gideon's words were way more hopeful than my thoughts. In my mind, Reid was too scared to think of a way to escape.

- "You know, I always take advantage of Reid for his brain. But I never actually teach him how to deal with things emotionally."

Hotch whispered, and his words were filled with regret. I was filled with anger and anxiety, and I know the two of them felt the same. But they way better at handling their feelings.

- "Lead by example,"- Jason answered, probably trying to make him feel better.

- "What kind of example is that?"- I simply replied, and both of them stayed in silence.

I don't think my words helped Hotch, but I wasn't trying to do that either. I was just honest. And Hotch's emotional assistance was shit on the field. Even Gideon was better.

- "He'll make it,"- Jason reassured us and nodded- "Now stop arguing and go back to work."

Spencer's point of view

I was glad when Tobias came to me that night with a needle in his hand and put the drug into my vein. I needed some release after watching a family die 'cos I didn't save them.

- "I'm sorry I had to leave"- he excused himself, preparing the drug next to me.

- "You can leave again, and you can take me with you,"- I begged in a soft voice.

- "My father would be angry,"- he replied and didn't even look at me. This time, I didn't even argue when he wrapped the belt around my arm. I was even a little eager he'd do it faster.

- "Not if he can't find us."

- "He always finds me."

- "If you tell me where we are, my friends will come, and they'll save us."

He gave me a look, mixed with horror and resignation. It broke my heart to think for a moment of all the horrors that lead Tobias to be as sick as he was.

- "We can't be saved,"- he simply replied.

- "We can, we can, I promise. If you tell me where we are, I'll save us both."

- "Listen to me. It's not worth fighting."

Somehow, I understood why he said that. I was afraid and shaking but still did my best not to think of all the pain I was in, of the terror that haunted me day and night.

- "Tell me it doesn't make it better- he said and showed me the needle."

I couldn't say no, 'cos he was right. It did. The drugs made his horrible situation bearable. I could understand why someone decided to use something to avoid the pain. I had faced all and each one of the pain and horrors in my life sober. It was time life was a little bit sweeter, in a sick way.

I remembered being twelve. Mom had had one of her episodes the day before, she was in bed, and I woke her up. I walked into her room and opened the curtains. It was already five in the afternoon, and she still refused to get out of bed.

- "The doctor says you need to get out of bed,"- I argued when she repeated she was just resting.

- "I've been reading"

- "He says you need exercise"- she sighed and tried to make a joke.

- "That's because his idea of good literature is Our bodies, ourselves."

- "Well, he is your doctor."

- "He is a neanderthal"- I gave up and started walking out of the room. She just laid in bed and looked at me.

- "Where are you going?"

- "I'm going to see if Jeff wants to play"- Jeff was our next-door neighbor and my only friend growing up.

- "Come here. Let me read to you."

I know Garcia made fun of me when I said my mother used to read me Valentine's sonnets when I was a kid. Most people think I have a weird relationship with mom, but they don't understand what it was like growing up with her. They don't know what it was like for a twelve-year-old boy to finish high school, facing bullies. Handling the pressure of being a kid genius and the fact I had to take care of a schizophrenic mother.

How come I didn't start using drugs earlier?

I remember that afternoon I sat next to my mother, and she made me pick one of the many books she had with her on the bed. I choose Proust. I knew she loved it. I loved it as well.

"For a long time, I used to go to bed early. Sometimes, when I had put out my candle, my eyes would close so quickly that I had not even time to say, "I'm going to sleep."

I can still hear her voice, reading to me. Both of us avoided reality for a while, hiding in the books. I always do it regardless. I hide in the books to forget. I hide in knowledge to avoid acknowledging the real personal issues I have. I hide in my work saving people when no one ever saved me.

I work catching psychopaths when I know I might actually have a mental issue myself. I might end up just like mom, and it frightens me so much; there are many nights I can't even close an eye. If I get sick too, then no one will take care of her. I am the only one in her life. And she is the only one in mine.

She and (Y/N), but there is no way my best friend would ever take care of me if I got sick. Not because she wouldn't want to do it, but because I would never let her. I don't want to be a burden in her life. And she would hate me, I know. And I could never live in a world where (Y/N) hates me. Not then, not now.

(Y/N). She is the best thing that happened to me in the BAU. Yes, I had a family with my team, but she was different. She was my life. She was the reason why I smiled. She was the one person that made me feel I was important to someone. I knew the rest of my friend loved me, but I loved her.

That was it. I loved (Y/N). And I was scared I was never going to see her again.

(Y/N)'s point of view

I was standing next to Penelope. She kept trying to force me to eat. She knew I was living on coffee, but I just couldn't swallow anything. She held my hand as the two of us stared at the screens, hopefully waiting for Hankel to make contact again.

- "Any more signs of Reid?"- JJ walked over to us slowly and looked at me, afraid I might snap on her again. I just shook my head and sighed, doing my best to be nice to her.

- "He just posted the last murder online."

- "It had over 17 thousand hits in the first twenty minutes,"- Penelope added, and her voice was so full of revulsion. It was clear she couldn't handle the horror in the human mind.

- "I want to see it,"- JJ said, and I frowned, confused.

- "No, you don't,"- Garcia answered and looked at me- "Come on, munchkin, just eat one cookie, please."

- "Don't tell me what I want and don't want!"- JJ's tone shocked us both. She was severe and angry. She was rude at Penelope, and for a second, I almost snapped again.

- "If I can't watch this..."- JJ whispered and glued her eyes on the screen- "I have no business being in the field."

She looked at me when she was done talking, and for once during those awful days, I felt some kind of compassion for her. She had to be feeling like shit, no doubt, and no matter how mad I was at her, she was still my friend, and I didn't want her to suffer either.

- "JJ, it's not a competition,"- I tried to say in the softest voice possible.

- "I... I need to see it."

- "If you stop being affected by things, you lose parts of yourself, you know."

It was somehow ironic that I was the one saying those things. Me of all people in that team. Me, the one who was afraid the most of losing herself in work.

- "Show me"- she finally looked at Garcia, ignoring my words, and Penelope pleased her. She pushed play and simply said

- "I won't watch this with you."

García held my hand, walking me out of the room, leaving JJ alone in the room. She sighed and wiped the tears that started falling down her eyes.

- "I don't know how you do it either"- she whispered- "I don't know how you watch those things every day and don't go insane."

- "If it makes you feel better, I don't know how I do either, and it scared me to think my heart might be numbing with each case we solve. With every psychopath we catch."

- "We are gonna find him"- she assured me and held my hands tight- "We are bringing him home safe, I swear."

- "Let's go find Gideon,"- I said, nodding at her words- "He needs to know Tobias posted the last murder."

Jason was mad, beyond furious. He was losing it. Derek and Prentiss kept trying to crack Hankel and discover where he had taken Reid. Meanwhile, Garcia, Gideon, and I made our best to take the video of the murder from the web.

- "I have a list of everyone from the file-sharing chain. I could send out a mass warning that the video is actually a virus,"- Garcia said and started typing as fast as possible. I just stared at the screen, waiting for something, anything to happen.

But I wasn't waiting for what came next.

- "Confess your sins"- Hankel's voice made me jump, and the sight of Reid, still tied to that chair, bleeding, and being tortured, broke my heart again.

- "Confess!!"- that sick psychopath shouted and hit him.

- "I haven't done anything,"- Spencer sobbed, but it was useless. Hankel kept punching him, over and over again, even when my best friend begged for mercy.

I felt Jason hold my hand as I was holding Garcia's. The three of us felt powerless, useless, angry, and scared, all at the same time. I couldn't bear to watch Reid being tortured, but at the same time, I was so glad he was still alive.

That until Hankel beat him so hard, he pushed him back in the chair, and Reid started convulsing.

- "He is killing him,"- Penelope cried, and I closed my eyes, biting my lips. Spencer was choking, and that mother fucker just stood there, watching him die.

- "That's the devil vacating your body"- he spit those words as Reid simply passed out. I didn't know if he was dead. I didn't know if he was going to make it. Shit! I didn't know anything.

I let go of Jason and Penelope and stormed out of the room. I was unprofessional, and I knew it, but I knew I would quit if anything happened to Reid. I wasn't going to stay working at the BAU if Spencer died.

- "Are you ok?"- Derek grabbed my arm. I just broke into tears and held him tight. He wrapped his arms around me and let me cry.

- "He's dying! We can't find him!!"- I sobbed against his chest.

- "(Y/N)! (Y/N)!"- I heard Penelope yelling as we all rushed back to the computer room. Hankel was giving CPR to Reid, trying to bring him back to life.

- "Come on, come on, please,"- I begged as I watched him pushing his chest over and over again until Spencer woke up, gasping for air.

- "Thank God!"- Hotch sighed and rubbed his hands against his face. The whole team let out a breath of relief simultaneously, and I kept watching Reid. His opened eyes gave me hope.

- "Wait,"- Prentiss said suddenly- "When was the video of the last murder posted?"

- "Nine thirty"- Penelope answered

- "And when was the time of death?"

- "The 911 call came in at 9:04, and the murder must have been moments later."- Hotch added and didn't even turn to look at Prentiss. We were all still shocked looking at the screen.

- "That's just a 19 minutes difference,"- I said and turned to García- "How long would it take to post that file?"

- "Two or three minutes."

- "Let's call it two,"- I said, getting excited- "You figure a maximum of 60 miles an hour in a residential area. That means Hankel has to be within a 17-mile radius of the crime scene."

For a second, I felt I was rambling facts just like Reid would. It made me miss him even more.

- "García, can we see it on the map?"- Aaron whispered. He was clearly affected, and it also made me feel selfish, knowing I had made a tantrum with the whole team, forgetting they were suffering as well.

- "Call chief Farraday"- Jason commanded as soon as we saw the map of the area on the screen- "I want that area locked down like it's martial law."

JJ stood up and grabbed her phone but didn't make the call. García warned us something was going on with Reid and all of us stared at the screen in silence.

Spencer was on his back on the floor, still tied to a chair. It was clear he wasn't fully conscious of what was happening.

- "You came back to life,"- mother fucker Hankel said, spitting the words in anger.

- "Raphael,"- Reid whispered, recognizing one of his personalities.

- "There can be only one of two reasons."

- "I was given CPR,"- my friend whispered, but it was clear that wasn't one of the psycho's options.

- "There are no accidents. How many members of our team are watching us right now?"

- "Seven."

- "The seven angels who had the seven trumpets prepared themselves to sound. The first sounding followed hail, and they were thrown to the earth."

- "He thinks it's the revelations"- Hotch explained- "The seven archangels versus the seven angels of death."

I didn't know much about religion, but it didn't take a genius to figure out he didn't believe we were the good guys.

- "Tell me who you serve."

- "I serve you,"- Reid answered right away. His voice was a whisper. He had to be exhausted.

- "Then choose one to die"

- "What?!"

- "Your team members, choose one to die"- I knew what he was going to answer at that, and I didn't want to hear it.

- "Kill me,"- he replied immediately, and I closed my eyes, unable to watch what would happen next.

- "You said you weren't one of them."

- "I lied."

- "Your team has seven other members. Tell me who dies."

- "No"- Penelope gasped, and Prentiss cursed. I opened my eyes and nearly fainted. Hankel had a gun pointed against Reid's forehead.

The silence amongst the team was unbearable. Neither of us knew what to do. We were all panicking, praying, desperate.

- "Choose and prove you'll do God's will."

- "No."

Neither of us moved. Neither of us breathed until Hakel pulled the trigger, and no bullet came out. I nearly sigh, but it wasn't over.

- "Choose"- he repeated

- "I won't do it"- Hankel didn't even wait. He just pulled the trigger, and we all jumped at the same time. He was safe again.

- "Life is a choice."

- "No,"- Reid repeated once again. And Hankel pulled the trigger for the third time.

- "Choose"- and for the first time, Spencer made a pause. Was going to pick one of us to die?

- "I choose"- the whispered- "Aaron Hotchner."

Derek and I looked at him, and his pale face didn't move a muscle.

- "He's the classic narcissist. He thinks he's better than everyone else on the team. Genesis 23:4 "Let him not deceive himself, and trust in emptiness, vanity falseness, and futility, for these shall be his recompense."

Hotch stormed out of the room as Hankel pulled the trigger one more time and shot the wall.

I felt I was going to puke. If Reid hadn't picked one of us, he would be dead.

- "For God's will,"- the mother fuck said, as he put another bullet in the gun after removing the casing.

I couldn't look anymore. I followed Gideon and Derek to find Aaron going through all Tobias's diaries on the table.

- "I'm not a narcissist,"- he said as soon as he saw us.

- "Come on. Look, you can't think anything from that"- Jason tried to calm him down, in case he was somehow affected by what Reid had just said on camera- "He is not in his right mind, Hotch."

- "No, stop, stop. Alright, everybody, right now: what's my worst quality?"

He had to be kidding. We all stared at him, muted, lost in that conversation. What was his point? Neither of us said a word. We just looked at each other, confused and awkward.

- "Ok, I'll start. I have no sense of humor."

- "You are a bully,"- JJ added.

- "You can be a drill sergeant sometimes,"- I said, and he nodded.

- "Right."

- "You don't trust women as much as men"- you could feel it in Prentiss's voice. That one was personal.

- "Ok, good. I'm all these things, but none of you said that I ever put myself above the team because I don't, ever. Reid and I argued about the definition of classic narcissism, and he knew that I would remember that. He also quoted Genesis chapter 23, verse 4. Read it."

Hotch gave me the book. He wasn't even breathing as she spoke. He was in a hurry. We were all.

- "I'm a stranger and a sojourner with you. Give me property, forbear a place among you that I may bury my dead of my sight."

- "He wouldn't get it wrong unless it were on purpose."

- "He is in a cemetery."- I said and looked at him. He nodded, and I swear to God, I saw a slight smile on his lips. That smile was hope. We were getting closer.

Spencer's point of view

I took a sip of water. I hadn't drunk in days, and my throat burned. I was still a little lost, still a little off.

- "Tobias, is that you?"- I saw him nod, sitting next to me. He moved the cup of water closer so that I could drink some more.

- "Thank you,"- I whispered and looked at him- You saved my life- he stared down at the ground and finally whispered

- "I'm sorry."

- "Why?"

- "He'll win in the end."

It was sad to see Tobias Hankel's good person locked inside a sick mind that also held a psychopath like his father.

- "Tobias, I need to know something. It's important. Are we in a cemetery?"- and he nodded. I smiled at him and sighed, relieved. Help was coming. My team was coming.

- "I used to come here to get high."

- "I was right."

- "No one bothers you here. I never told anyone about it."

He wrapped his belt around my arm, and I turned to him, still smiling. I didn't know if I were happy I was right or glad I would get high again. Maybe both. Maybe the second 'cos the minute that needle got to my vein, that sweet, sweet release felt like a bath of joy that washed away any pain, regret, or guilt I could have ever felt.

Guilt. I've had my share of that. I remember the day I had my mom admitted to the hospital. She hadn't eaten in days. She wouldn't take care of herself, and they're just so much I could do. I wasn't able to keep her safe from herself, from her mind.

- "What are these men doing here?"- she asked me as I walked with two nurses into the study. She was writing and reading. It was all she did, preparing lectures for classes she didn't have to give, in imaginary campuses.

I stood in front of her and hesitated for a second. It was the hardest thing I had ever done, telling mom I was taking her away from her own house.

- "They are from the hospital. They are here to help,"- I whispered and looked at my mother's confused expression. She was so thin. She looked so sick. I felt so guilty I couldn't do better for her.

- "I don't need help, and you can't be here without permission, tell them, Spencer."

She looked down at her books again and tried to continue writing. I took a deep breath, I knew I would break her heart, but there was nothing else I could do.

- "I called them"- she looked at me in pain. Deep, honest pain. Like I had just shattered her heart. Which I had done.

- "Spencer"- she simply whispered and stared into my eyes, begging for an explanation. I was trying my best not to cry. I had a whole speech prepared. I was going to tell her how much I loved her. I was going to explain to her how good it was for her to be in a place where someone could continuously take care of her. I had facts and statistics, but all I managed to say was:

- "I'm doing this for you."

And I felt like a liar. 'Cos, there was a part of me that was doing it for myself too.

- "This isn't legal"- she shook her head in shock and kept trying to find a good explanation to what was going on.

- "Your son is eighteen, ma'am. He can act in your welfare,"- one of the make nurses explained to her.

- "You need help,"- I said and prayed she could understand. But she just burst into tears and begged.

- "I wanna stay here!"

- "I'm... sorry, mom."

- "Please, these are my things, this is my life..."

Those men took her. They took her from her house and put her in a hospital. No. I put her there. I put my mom in a hospital so I could live my life, 'cos I am selfish and couldn't take care of her anymore.

- "Spencer, please, don't do this to me."

Those were the words that haunted me day and night. And my mother's crying face, begging me not to take her from her own house.

What kind of a son am I? I did that to her. I put her in a mental place 'cos I couldn't deal with her disease anymore. 'Cos I didn't know how to take care of her.

- "What are you sorry for, boy?"- I heard Hankel ask when I woke up. I was muttering, "Sorry" as I came back from my trip.

- "I sent her away."

- "Who."

- "My mom. I couldn't help her."

- "Is that a confession?"- I nodded and looked around, confused. Lost. High- "You know the bible. Exodus 21:17"

- "And he that curseth his father or his mother shall surely be put to death,"- I whispered, scared and full of regret.

I heard him walk towards me. He kneeled and uncuffed me. I didn't know what was happening. Honestly, I was still too high to get what was going on around me.

- "Grab a shovel,"- he commanded and walked outside.

I was too weak to dig fast. I don't know how I was actually moving, but I was digging my own grave. I never thought I would ever end up doing such a thing. It's not something you think about, actually. Not unless you work in the BAU. Here, you start analyzing and considering the way you'll die: 'Cos you could, every day.

- "I ought to bury you alive in there, give you some time to think about what you've done,"- Hankel said and looked at me while I worked, playing with a knife.

- "I know what I've done."

- "Don't talk back to me! Dig!"

I pant and kept moving, very slowly, trying to buy myself some time too. I was sure the team was coming to get me any minute now. I was counting on them, though the more I thought about it, the less worthy of salvation I felt. Maybe I deserved to die after all.

I was almost certain I had seen some lights moving in the back. Flashlights. But it could be my mind playing tricks on me. I was too tired. And still too high, too.

- "Dig faster!"- he commanded me as I moved, losing my breath.

- "I'm not strong enough"- I cried, 'cos I felt like that. Like a failure, a child that aimed to be a grown-up and failed miserably. A bad son. The worst agent. A fake that deserved to die.

- "You are all weak!! Get out of there!"

Hankel took off his coat and left it on the ground. I slowly moved so he could dig for me, but the lights in the back took my attention, and he noticed. As soon as he turned around, I quickly grabbed his coat and reached out for the gun.

- "You've only got one bullet, son,"- he said as he looked at me. And I just pulled the trigger.

I shot him. I killed him. Hankel. Raphael. Tobias. I freed Tobias. Or at least, that is what I wanted to think.

- "Reid!!"- I heard (Y/N) yelling as I crawled to Tobia's body. He was still awake. He was himself.

- "You killed him"- he said, and he was relieved- "Do you think I'll get to see my mom again?"

- "I'm sorry,"- I whispered, and he was gone.

- "Reid!!"

(Y/N) yelled and ran over. She kneeled next to me and held me in her arms. I couldn't move, because for a few seconds, I couldn't believe she was real. She was there.

- "Honey, honey, are you ok? Can you hear me?"- she said, and tears started falling from her eyes- "Honey, it's me."

I just looked at her and hugged her. I hugged her as my life depended on it. There she was, next to me, finally.

- "I thought I was never going to see you again,"- I whispered and sobbed.

The urge to kiss her filled my whole body. I needed to taste her. I needed to show her how much I had needed her those days. But I knew I couldn't.

I didn't want to let her go. I didn't for a few minutes. I just hold onto her for my sanity. She kissed my forehead, cupping my face with both hands.

- "I'm so happy to see you. I'm glad you are ok... let's go to the ambulance, ok?"- I nodded but didn't let her go. I felt I could hold her forever. I wanted to keep her close for as long as I lived.

But the rest of the team gathered around us, and I wanted to thank them too. I needed to thank Hotch. So as soon as I let (Y/N) go, I wrapped my arms around him.

- "You alright?"- he asked me.

- "I knew you'd understand,"- I managed to say with tears falling from my eyes and a knot in my throat.

For a moment, I thought I was never going to see the team again. My family.

JJ held me close and apologized. I knew she felt guilty for leaving me alone, but I was the only one culpable for what had happened. I wanted to prove myself, and all I managed to do was prove I was a fool. A useless SSA.

- "It's alright, it wasn't your fault,"- I said and did my best to smile at her. But I know I failed. Gideon grabbed my arm and nodded.

- "Let's get you out of here."

- "Please,"- I whispered before we started walking- "Can I have a second alone?"- he looked at me and nodded, looking at Tobias' body lying by our side. He walked away, and I kneeled next to my capturer.

But instead of paying my respects, instead of cursing. Instead of anything, I took the Dilaudid bottles from his pocket and put them into mine.

And that's how the real hell started.

--

DIWK Taglist:

@all-tings-diego @big-galaxy-chaos @svveet-peas @muffin-cup @shilohpug

Spencer taglist

@calm-and-doctor

General Taglist

@spenxerslut @ash19871962

–

Do you want to be on the taglist or ramble about this chapter with me? Just send me a message here.

Next update: May 5th, 2021

#Spencer Reid #criminal minds #spencer reid fanfic #babymetaldoll writes #cm fanfic #criminal minds fanfic #Emily prentiss #Aaron Hotchner #jennifer jareau #derek morgan #penelope garcia #emily prentiss #babymetaldoll edits #criminal minds fanfiction #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x you #spencer reid fanfiction