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notjustjavierpena · 16 days

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Doesn’t javier’s wife get tantrums when she is pregnant?

Unreasonable (Drabble)

Series Masterpost | Main Masterpost

A/N: She sure as fuck does. Javier is too in love with the idea of her carrying his child to get mad about it though.

Summary: First-time pregnancy and a husband who breathes a little too loudly is enough to make you rage.

Pairing: Javier Peña x reader (no y/n)

Tags: Domestic, pregnancy and all the following symptoms (e.g. puking), pregnancy rage, cravings, kisses, reader is hormonal and unreasonable

Word count: 1.5k

Unreasonable

“Could you breathe a little louder?” You ask from the bed. You throw your novel to the side, unable to concentrate, while sending daggers in your husband’s direction.

You are sitting against the headboard of your bed with all the decoration pillows scattered across the sheets, unable to find one that seems to do the job of supporting your aching back during your first pregnancy. This second trimester is hell on Earth; morning sickness, sore breasts and back, hormones running amok in your system, and no way of getting comfortable. It doesn’t help that Javier seems physically unbothered, daring to move around with ease in your shared home while folding laundry.

“Honey,” he says gently, turning towards you with a smile that you find provoking, “I’m not breathing differently than I usually do.”

You seethe from your position because you know he is right. The book you were reading amongst several candy wrappers lies face down next to you as if it’s hiding before Javier has figured that is what he should be doing too. You cross your arms over your chest but your boobs feel too big and sore for you to do it the way you normally would. Every instinct in your mind is telling you to attack because you have no way of seeming reasonable in this, “Do you have to squeeze a soccer ball out of your pussy in three months?”

Javier raises his eyebrows at your crude choice of words and your terrifying mental image, “No…”

“That’s right,” you huff and then suddenly you are off into a scolding interrogation that Javier can do nothing about but endure. Your stare can freeze the sun, “Let’s see. Do you have to pee all the time?”

“No…”

You go on, “Do you find yourself crying over commercials on the TV with no way of stopping it?”

“No.”

“What about your pelvic floor?” You think smoke might be coming out of your ears, “Do you feel like it is going to rupture when you try to reach something you have dropped on the floor?”

“Honey…”

“Does your back hurt so much that you contemplate if it’s easier to just pee your pants instead of getting up?” You ask. Ironically, you have the biggest urge to get up and pace around the room like a caged animal.

“I could massage your back,” he suggests so sweetly but not even that can calm your rage.

“Haven’t you done enough?” You growl, “This is your little fucking love-goblin growing inside of me and all you had to do was grunt like a caveman and roll over.”

Javier blinks, trying a feeble protest, “Baby… I don’t think tha—“

“Don’t you ‘Baby’ me!” You rage against him, heart beating rapidly in your chest, “I am here either suffering in bed or waddling around like a goddamn incubator! The least you can do is try to make me feel better!”

“I just offered a massage that you declined so maybe you want some time for yourself instead?” He tries again.

“Time for myself? How on Earth am I supposed to spend time for myself when you are breathing so loudly that our neighbors can hear it?” You avoid his gaze.

He opens his mouth to speak but you are not done.

“Not to mention the nausea that follows me everywhere I go. Quality time with good old nausea!” You throw your hands up in the air in exasperation, “If I had a dollar for every time I have puked up my guts since you put this baby in me, I could buy myself a private island and be rid of your wheezing airways!”

You inhale deeply and frantically as you run out of breath. It’s then you decide that you are done, scooting further down on the bed to lie down on your side with one of the pillows supporting your pregnant belly.

You fume quietly. Javier stands immovable.

Eventually, you pout too. Your husband moves to stand by your side but he doesn’t touch you, “How about we order some food? Do you want to order some food?”

“Actually, Javi, no, I don’t want to order some food,” you reply, still with an attitude.

“Are you sure, baby?” He gently presses on.

“Yes, obviously, otherwise I wouldn’t say it.”

“I’m gonna order some food for myself then,” he lets you know, walking back to pick up the laundry basket.

“Yes, fine, whatever,” you sigh loudly, “I don’t care.”

But you do care. As soon as the doorbell rings with Javier’s food delivery, you have thought about the million different things that he might have gotten for himself to eat and it has caused your stomach to rumble. You pout for real this time.

Eventually, it becomes too much and you get onto your feet, tiptoeing down the stairs to satisfy your curiosity. You don’t need the food; you just want to see if your guesses about Javier’s dinner menu are correct.

You peek out from behind the door frame, staring into the kitchen where he is placing the delivery bag on the counter. The whole house smells like pizza and fried food, the scent having dragged you downstairs to gaze longingly as your husband is rummaging through the plastic bag to empty it of its contents.

You spot the box of french fries next to a strawberry milkshake and frown, shifting slightly where you stand and trying not to feel emotional about your stomach growling for food. You lean your cheek against the doorframe and sigh loudly.

“Hola, mi amor (hello, my love),” your husband suddenly says and even if you purposely made him aware of your presence in the room, you still feel on the spot when he notices you.

“Hi,” you try to get a better glimpse of what he has ordered for himself, “What are you having?”

“I decided on that pizza place on the corner where you also get your haircut sometimes,” he says nonchalantly and you curse your emotions for getting the better of you earlier. You love that place.

“Really?” You whimper.

“Yeah,” he continues and stuffs a few fries into his mouth as he takes out a pizza box from the bag, “I really wanted one of their shakes. You know… the ones made from three scoops of ice cream? And then I thought I might as well get some fries because you taught me about dipping them into it, remember that?”

“Y-yeah,” you suddenly feel your bottom lip starting to tremble. The idea of not having a strawberry shake in your hand and their pepperoni pizza with a stuffed crust is close to torture, making you so unbelievably upset that you start to cry big and ugly tears.

Javier tenses. He abandons the food on the counter the second he hears you, taking long steps to get to you quickly. He wipes his fingers in his shirt so he can brush tears away from your face, cooing softly as you wail, “Honey, shhh… There’s no need to cry.”

“I’m sorry, I was so mean,” you blubber to the point where you are heaving for breath, pregnant belly jumping as your whole body trembles, “I didn’t know that I wanted their milkshake and pizza so badly and now it feels like I am missing out. It’s really stupid but… The baby wants that strawberry milkshake, Javi.”

“I know,” he soothes and laughs softly as he brings you into his arms, giving you a hug whilst you continue your miserable crying, “That’s why I got you one.”

“What?” You sniffle, pulling back to look at him and showing off your red, puffy eyes.

“I got you a shake,” he clarifies with a small smile, “And I ordered you a pepperoni pizza too.”

Relief washes over you and you cannot help letting out a little, shaky laugh amidst your tears, “You did?”

Javier nods, eyes soft and smile warm, “Of course, I did. Te conozco (I know you).”

“With a stuffed crust?” You ask, suddenly shy and looking innocently through your lashes. You feel like you’re thirteen again, crushing on your husband all over.

“Stuffed crust,” he confirms and the smile turns into a grin. He presses a kiss to your cheek and blows a raspberry until you giggle, “No need to cry. El bebé sabe que su mamá está triste (The baby knows their mom is sad)."

“Can’t have that,” you wrap both arms around him and repeatedly kiss his face; nose, cheeks, lips, chin. He closes his eyes, taking each with a sigh that’s nowhere near annoyed. You kiss his lips in the end, “Gracias, esposo (thank you, husband).”

“De nada, mi amor (you’re welcome, my love),” he lets go of you after one last kiss, walking to dig out one more strawberry milkshake from the plastic bag and then handing it to you.

You take a long sip and do a happy dance without thinking. Meanwhile, Javier gets out your pizza too and suddenly all memory of why you were so angry earlier is gone.

FOLLOW @notjustjavierpena-fics AND TURN ON NOTIFICATIONS 💖❤️💖❤️h

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naompspsps · 16 days

Text

How they would act when you fall asleep on their shoulder Pt. 5

Part 4 (Trey, Jamil & Azul)

Summary: You had a long morning, and you didn't even get enough sleep so now you are very tired, But sitting with them in the courtyard during lunch break, while they talk you find yourself falling asleep, your head on their shoulder.

Ft. Leona, Kalim & Ace x Gn!Reader [Seperate] (+ Jamil in Kalim's part, of course & Ace mentioning Crewel)

A/n: I dunno, Leona has the vibes of being a soft aggressive husband boyfriend.

Boyfren material Leona, Kalim being your biggest fan, Wingman Jamil having a secret passion aggression with Kalim as usual and Ace being ace. Fluff<33

! do not repost or translate my works anywhere. do not copy or use my works in any site, Reblogs are appreciated alot though !

Leona

He's something. As much as he wants to be soft towards you, he can't do it for some reason. Something in him just stops him from doing so, but, you can tell he's being soft by growling less at you, his grasp on your hand; gentle, and the look on his face when he feels bad for you; It's nonchalant but you see the way his eyes soften for you.

You sleep on his shoulder, when he was supposed to do it first, He gets a bit salty about it, but then realizes.. "Dang you suffered more than me." Soooo,,,, He just waits. And waits. And waits. What is he thinking of while waiting? Planning to buy you gifts. What gifts? Now that's where he doesn't know. At this point he might aswell just buy you food. Open your door tonight and he's gonna be infront of you holding a Mcdonald's bag.

It was silent. Too silent. There were no talking whatsoever, and for some reason, It made you Uncomfortable. Leona was just bored, his eyes closed. His head was leaning against the tree behind you both. You yawn softly, dropping asleep on his shoulder. He opens his eyes and gives you a little look. "What are you doing- Oh. Well look at you.." He whispers, Both taunting and jokingly. "Didn't think you would sleep on me when I was supposed to sleep on you." He mutters. "What happened to the plan with me sleeping on you? Tch.." He crossed his arms. After a moment of complete silence, He glances at you, his eye movements going to your eyebags as soon as he saw it.

"I also didn't think school would be merciless to you." He adds. He looks away, taking in the situation that you're currently in. He barely even cares about his assignments but you, who's probably an achieverholic.. He could care alot. "You put your health aside for your assignments because the teachers expect alot from you? Idiots. And you're one of them too." He mumbles under his breath. "Do those morons have any idea what they caused you?" Leona looks at you, his ears twitching and eyes softening at the sight of his lover sleeping, You are sleeping so comfortably, he barely even got to see that since he sleeps before you. "Ah.. You're already asleep. That's quick." He holds you by the waist as his head rests on yours. "Nobody better bother us or I'm gonna throw them all the way to the other lands." He whispers, placing a kiss on your head before closing his eyes. "And I'll treat you later for surviving this school's crap."

Kalim

Being really honest, He's like Cater but the one who doesn't take pictures and posts it. He gets so excited, starts yelling and Jamil just tells Kalim to stay still so you would sleep. Shoutout to wingman Jamil ig

He can't help but be excited, after all, You, His bestest friend that he apparently isn't aware that he has a crush on you, is using his shoulder like a pillow as you sleep!! He is so stupid in love coded I like it. You can't sleep from how loud he is but praise Jamil for making Kalim shut up and let you sleep, on his shoulder that's very very comfy. 👍

It was either he was speaking too fast, or your mind was just way behind from what Kalim was saying. You close your eyes, only to open then once again to Kalim calling out your name. "[Name]! Look at that butterfly!" He points at the butterfly. To be honest, You don't even know what you're looking at. "Mm, It's beautiful.." You lie. It's better to lie than say the truth that you don't see it, You knew he'd definitely drag you to see it closer. Kalim laughs joyfully. While you... Just stare at the grass. Until you couldn't take it anymore. You close your eyes to sleep on his shoulder. "..Sorry, Just for a while..." You whisper. You could've been able to sleep, but Kalim kept on talking.

"You know, You're cute like this! Ooh, Ooh, How about we go for a sleepover later?!" Kalim yells out excitedly, but you just.. Yawn stressfully. That was until Jamil just sits down beside Kalim. "Ooooh! Jamiiil!!!" He shouts. "Kalim, Mind shutting u- I mean, Could you.. Lower down your voice? [Name] seems to be enjoying leaning their head on your shoulder, sleeping, but you're too loud so they can't sleep." Jamil points at you, Kalim turns his head to you. "You can talk again later, Just let them rest." He sighs. Oh dear sevens, Kalim Al-Asim, You are such an idiot. "Oh- like like- This?" Kalim whispers lightly. Jamil could barely even hear Kalim but, "Good enough." Jamil shrugs, In reality; Jamil personally just wants Kalim to shut up. Kalim pats your head and hugs you gently. "Sweet dreams!.."

Ace

Your honor, with all due respect, he would tell everyone in sage island to shut up. His ceremonial robes groovy explains it all. Like, He's been realizing how you've been just sleeping in all places. While he argues with Deuce, You're there at the corner, sleeping. He's running around, you walk lazily. But what he doesn't realize is that the cause of that was the assignments.

He'd definitely be there to help you. It's canon, he's smart, but he just slacks off. When it comes to you, Oh boy he would grab the pen with a table magically appearing infront of you and a comfy chair. He would volunteer to help! No saying no, that isn't a choice at all. So you sleep there comfortably on his shoulder or he'll have Deuce knock you out with a cauldron. No jokes, he will actually command Deuce to do it.

"Dyahh.. This damn homework Sir Crewel gave us is so boring.." Ace complains. You stare at the papers on your lap, contemplating everything. Ace looks at you, stopping himself from speaking. "Hey, You good?" He lightly elbows you, causing you to snap back to reality. You look at him. "What were you saying?.." You question him. His eyes stare at you very.. Observantly. "You know what- That's it." Ace wraps an arm around your shoulders, pulling you closer to his shoulder. "You have been way too tired. Can't ya just rest or something?" You pull away, but he presses your head on his shoulder. "Ace- 'Can't." You mumble. "And why in wonderland is that?!"

"I still have alot of assignments to do, I can't rest right now.." Ace looks at you weirdly, as if saying you're a complete weirdo for wanting to make the teachers proud. "That's it? Dude, You can literally do that later." Ace sighs. You fix your position, starting to feel comfortable. "I don't want to.. I wanna finish them as soon as possible." You whisper. "You will finish them later, not a choice. give yourself a break, will you?" Ace hugs you tighter, You don't suffocate but you're suffocating with his scent. It's too good. "I'm gonna help ya later, so just sleep before I force you to sleep!" He lightly shakes you. You sigh in defeat. "Fine." Ace clicks his tongue and mumbles softly, You couldn't catch it but he totally said 'finally'. You close your eyes, feeling his hands hold both of your hands. "Just trust me, I'll help you with them if you just give yourself a break."

Author's End Note: soft but aggressive bf material leona lives rent free in my head. you tamed him & you should be proud of yourself 🎉

AHAH A FEW MORE PEOPLE TO GO AND IM DONE WITH THESE STUFF (kheeheehee look who has more ideas in the drafts)

! do not repost or translate my works anywhere. do not copy or use my works in any site, Reblogs are appreciated alot though !

#twisted wonderland #disney twst #nb reader #leona kingscholar #leona kingscholar x reader #kalim al asim #kalim al asim x reader #ace trappola #ace trappola x reader #twisted wonderland x reader #gn reader

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kurogane2512 · 1 month

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After reading the Cocolia one shot in wattpad and then in Tumblr, I can't help but wonder at the end. I really want to see what happened after 😭😭

I want a Herrscher of the Void (Sirin) reader meeting Star Rail Himeko and the reader avoids her when meeting her because back in her universe, killing her Himeko was the biggest regret the reader made, thinking it was all a trap for her, now living in regret she has to get used to this Star Rail Himeko as they journey on the Astral Express. (SFW or NSFW)

I actually have a request for a fic about her continuation with the Express so I'll be writing all my thoughts in that! 🥰

And oh my god my heart broke reading the request all I think of is the arc when Kiana suffered the aftermath of the Hyperion battle and blamed herself so much for Himeko's death 😭

Game: Honkai Star Rail

Characters: HSR Himeko x Herrscher!reader (HoV)

Type: Fluff and slight angst with comfort

The Astral Express soared through the vast empty galaxy when an unexpected obstruction rocked the train and alerted its passengers. Pom Pom notified that some kind of portal formed on the path and an entity appeared from it, stopping the express from moving. March and Dan Heng took out their weapons and stood on guard while Welt stood in front of the door as it opened, the obsturction finally coming in their sight.

"Oh, it really is a train... Huh, interesting."

Welt's eyes widened at the person in front. How could it be? He had no idea.

"....Been a long time, Mr Welt. So, this is where you have been all these years."

"....Y/n, or should I say.... Herrscher of the Void? What's your objective here?"

"Now now, no need to be on guard. I'm not here to harm anyone, I was just strolling through space when I picked up your energy and thought to say hi~"

Welt glared at you then looked back at March and Dan Heng who lowered their weapons on his signal and allowed you inside.

"You have changed, Y/n. Did you win over the Honkai?"

"Mhm, you could say that. The price was leaving everyone and everything I cherished, but I don't regret it."

"You have been... floating through space since then? How long has it been?"

"I don't know anymore.... I remember I left a few months after that incident. When did you leave Earth, Mr Welt?"

"....Around 8 years after that incident according to Earth's time."

"I see, it's been a while then...."

Safe to say, your first encounter with the Astral Express Crew was full of surprises and uneasiness. Welt introduced you to March and Dan Heng to the best of his abilities, intentionally skipping to disclose too many details about Earth. You had just begun to take in the atmosphere and feel of the Express when your eyes fell upon a familiar woman walking towards you.... those flame-like wavy hair and golden eyes, you couldn't believe your eyes.

"Ahem, Welt? What's going on?"

Welt walked up to the said woman and explained the same things to her, all the while you stood speechless at your spot and stared at her with wide eyes. It was a splitting image, yet there were significant differences between her and the woman in your memory.

"H....H-Himeko? Is that you....?"

You spoke in a shaky and unsteady voice, countless memories and images surging through your mind at the moment. The woman responded to your voice and looked at you with a gentle smile, and right at that moment you saw her again. That face appeared in front of you, projected on this woman's face with the exact same expression.

"Ara, you already know my name? Welt, did you tell her?" the woman named Himeko spoke, and indeed her voice was exactly the same as well. It was like meeting a clone, but deep inside you knew what was happening yet you found it hard to believe.

"Ah, no— How to explain this?" Welt said with a sigh and held his head. Himeko softly chuckled then came closer to you, observing you from head-to-toe for a moment with a smile.

"Welcome to the Astral Express. I'm Himeko, the Navigator of the Express. It's a pleasure to meet someone like you, Y/n. Welt has told me about Herrschers on his home world, and I must say it's quite exciting to meet one with my own eyes finally."

This woman was her, yet also wasn't her. You didn't know how to react.

"Uh... I... I...." you stammered and stepped back, wanting to run far away from here.

"I.... No.... I.... I'm sorry!" you blurted out and summoned a portal but couldn't jump in as Welt held your arm and stopped you, using his own powers to cancel out your portal.

"Hold it, Y/n! Dan Heng, March! Don't let her leave!" Welt ordered and both March and Dan Heng immediately held you from the other side.

"W-What?! Welt, let me go! What's the meaning of this?!" you shouted and struggled out of their hold; you could push everyone away in the blink of an eye but the presence of the woman in front made you powerless.

"Y/n, calm down! Let us talk first!" Welt shouted.

"I don't want to! Let me go! I'll leave and never come back! I promise I won't hurt anyone!" tears were swelling up in your eyes as you looked back n forth at all the people in front. Himeko was visibly worried and tried to help as well, but the barrage of traumatic memories and your past weighed you down causing you to pass out in front of everyone. The next time you woke up was in one of the rooms of the Express, tears stains on your face as you stared at the unfamiliar ceiling and recalled your past.

You had a slight hope it was your Himeko, but you knew that wasn't the case and maybe that was for the best. You ended up staying on the Express for a few days on Welt's request, you didn't understand his motive but you couldn't deny you were drawn to the company here. March and Dang Heng were pleasant to be around and kept you occupied with questions and activities, eager to see your powers and know you more.

As for Himeko? You didn't see her after you woke up, you were informed she was fixing up any problems on the Express caused by your unexpected arrival. But that was only for a day. Afterwards, you saw her every now and then sitting in the lobby drinking coffee or reading some book. She always greeted you with the same gentle smile and offered you to sit beside her but you politely refused every time.

You had come close to everyone on the Express except Himeko, and she was quick to notice that. It was obvious how you avoided her, either looking away from her whenever in the same room or making very small talk if she tried approaching you. While Himeko would never interfere in your personal life, she couldn't deny it was upsetting how you avoided only her. She wondered if you hated her, and what she did to make you hate her.

You had become a reliable helping hand around the Express, Pom Pom seemed to find you quite efficient and was happy to have you on-board. There were times when you'd reach places generally difficult to reach in the Express and fix errors; like the time when the engine suddenly stopped working and Himeko was trying to fix it but she needed someone to go outside and aid her. It was an easy task for you so you offered to help, despite your hidden reluctance.

"And... that was it! Well done, Y/n. Thank you very much for the help. I'd normally make Dan Heng go outside and do that but you made it so much easier. Say, would you mind if I invited you for some coffee and snacks? Or anything other than coffee even, I'd just like to thank you for helping me with this." Himeko extended a cordial invitation to you, hopeful that you'd accept.

"Ah.... Um, sorry but no. You don't need to do that to thank me. Uh... s-sorry, I'll leave now. You can call me to help again, I don't mind."

"A-Ah, wait, Y/n—!" Himeko tried to protest but you already teleported away from her sight. She sighed and looked down in perplexion; thanking you was just one reason; she had hoped to get to know you better and perhaps clear any misunderstandings. It was truly confusing and upsetting to her now. She decided to talk to Welt after all her attempts to befriend you failed, he was the only person who knew you best.

That night, you laid on the bed of your cabin when an unexpected knock came on your door followed by an even more unexpected voice, "Y/n, it's me. Are you still awake? I'm sorry but I needed your help with something." It was Himeko. You sat up in shock and contemplated what to do, ultimately deciding to agree since you wanted to help her. You didn't care what she thought of you, as long as she was safe and happy.

"Oh, sure. I'll come." you opened the door for her and she asked you to come with her. To your surprise, she took you to her own room. You didn't understand what kind of help she needed here, and you became slightly suspicious.

"S-So, what do you need help with, Hi— Um, ma'am?" you struggled to even say her name.

Himeko smiled, "Have a seat first, make yourself comfortable."

You slowly nodded and made your way to the bed then sat down on one side. She looked through her belongings for a while then picked up something and came to sit beside you quite closely, making you shift away from her in a tensed manner.

"Here, does this look familiar to you?" Himeko handed you a photo and your eyes widened looking at it, your hands trembling while holding it.

"T-This... how come? W-Where is this? And how do you...?" you blabbered a string of words and looked at Himeko in shock.

"....It's on a Space Station that the Express regularly visits. I don't know if it's the real thing, but it is there in their storage room as a prized possession of the Space Station's owner. Sometimes I have been close to it and observed it, and I hear some strange whispers in my ear for a brief moment but I'm never able to make out what they say."

"I see.... I do know about it. It's.... from my world, from someone close to me."

You looked away then handed back the photo to her and abruptly stood up to walk out, "Is that all? Sorry, I'll help you some other time—"

"I know what happened, Y/n. I know who you are referring to." Himeko spoke before you could leave, making you stop in your tracks with your back turned to her.

"....Did Welt tell you?"

Himeko sighed, "Yes.... I didn't want to barge into your personal matters but I became increasingly worried how you avoided me. Will you give me a chance to talk, Y/n?"

"There's nothing to talk about.... It's not your fault, none of it is. You did nothing wrong. It's my own inability and fear. I'm sorry for making you feel that way but just know you are not in the wrong."

"Then!" Himeko suddenly came near you and held your wrist, "Then, let me help you through that fear! Let me help you overcome it!"

Her words shocked you, the touch of her skin sending shivers in your body. You gritted your teeth then slowly turned to look at her, the same gentle smile and kind eyes gazing at you.

"....Let go. I don't deserve it."

Himeko was surprised by the hurtful look on your face then frowned at your words and pulled you towards herself, tightly embracing you.

"Who decides that? I believe people can change and deserve a second chance, a chance to make things right and forge their own path. I look forward to the future."

".....You are so much like her. She would also say something similar in such situations."

Tears welled up in your eyes, Himeko gently caressed your head while embracing you and you couldn't hold back anymore. You melted in her touch and familiar feeling, wrapping your own arms around her and holding her close as if you never wanted to let go. Both of you sat down on the bed beside each other and she held your hand while wiping the tears from your face then cupping your face.

"S-Sorry, I don't know what to do in this situation...."

"Well, for starters, how about telling me what's on your mind? You have only been saying 'sorry' and running away from me every time I tried to talk."

"Ah, sorry about that. No, I mean—" you mindlessly blurted more string of apologies making Himeko chuckle and hold you again.

"Just calm down first, okay? Take it slow, you don't have to force yourself."

You nodded then finally calmed down enough after some time and felt like talking.

"How much did Welt tell you?"

"Not much. He explained what Herrschers were in your world and what kind of powers you have. He said you likely hold yourself responsible for causing pain and destruction there, and that you have seemingly been floating in space for a long time as punishment for your actions...."

"He left out the most important part then.... Yes, he's correct about all of that. I.... lost control of myself and killed so many people, destroyed so many lives. Among them was her..... the one woman I loved. She saved me, but I was blinded by power and....k-killed her too."

Your breath hitched as you finally said the words deep in your heart.

"That woman was.... Himeko in your world?"

You nodded, "She looked just like you.... Same hair color, eyes and voice. She was my teacher first, she taught me so much and helped me. And I.... what did I do to repay her?"

More tears filled your eyes and Himeko caressed your head, "I understand. Thank you for being so brave and telling me."

"I know I shouldn't project her on you. You are indeed similar but also significantly different, I have noticed it during the time I have been here. But.... I.... I'm sorry I just—"

"Shh shh, it's okay. No need to say more, I completely understand."

You nodded and she again hugged you closely, keeping your head on her chest and tenderly caressing it.

"But you know, Y/n, what Welt told me about Herrschers was different, especially about you. He said you were experimented on as a child and injected with the Honkai virus. Then the Honkai virus is responsible for what happened, it controlled your mind and made you do all that, then you left your planet to stay away from everyone and keep them safe. And now you gained control over the Honkai all by yourself; so tell me, how is any of this your fault? To me, it seems you are just a victim like everyone else. In fact, you have suffered the most in all of this."

"....I'm still the one who committed all those actions, it was my body and my face. If I was strong enough to gain control earlier then I would have prevented it, but I couldn't. It is on me.... I can't undo it even with these powers."

Himeko looked at you with a sympathetic expression then gently held your chin and turned your face to herself, you gazed into her deep golden eyes and felt lost as if you were looking at the love of your life. But you knew what the truth was and there was no denying it, it was pointless to gaze into this depth and search for her. You pulled away from her grip and turned around, your back facing her now.

"Uh, thank you for listening but I'm fine. I'll leave the Express tomorrow and not bother any of you more, it was a nice change of pace meeting you all and you treated me really well. I can't thank you enough..."

Himeko was caught by surprise, "You know, everyone would be happy if you stay. They have all already accepted you as a Nameless. Pom Pom loves how helpful you are with repairs, March is happy to have a companion around the same age as her and it seems you both share some hobbies, Dan Heng is intrigued by you and finds you a good practice partner, Welt is... well, you already know him enough."

"....And what about you? What do you think of me? I have only been avoiding you all this time...."

Himeko smiled to herself and moved closer to you then embraced you from behind, wrapping her arms around your torso and snuggling into your shoulder. The action made you blush, her body pressed closely to you and her breath tickled your ear, her lips even ghosting your skin.

"Why, you are very helpful to me as well. Everytime you helped me selflessly and asked for nothing in return. I know how you observe me and keep a close eye on me even when we aren't in the same space. You avoid me up-front but you are otherwise always attentive to me, aren't you?"

"....How did you know?"

"Hehe, just call it a Navigator's instinct. Of course, I'm happy if you stay as well. You have been alone and lonely long enough, it's time you heal your wounds and find happiness. If you like being with us then you are more than welcome to stay."

"I do... I really like it here. All of you are so different yet you seem like a family, I didn't know this is what a family felt like...."

"Mhm, we have been together for a while and faced many things together. All of us will always support each other. That's the way of the Nameless."

You wiped the tears in your eyes then let out a chuckle, "To think it's Himeko again who's comforting me.... It's a strange turn of fate."

Himeko smiled to herself then kissed your cheek, a blush forming on your face as you slowly turned to face her. She cupped your face and caressed your cheek with her thumb then came closer and kissed your forehead too followed by kissing your other cheek.

"H-Himeko.... you don't have to...." you said embarrassingly.

"Hehe, I can't help myself. You are so adorable and you finally called my name~"

You looked away bashfully, giving her the chance to kiss your cheek again. The barrage of kisses on your face didn't stop and soon you found yourself pinned on the bed with Himeko straddling you, both of you gazing at each other with ragged breaths and red faces. She cupped your face and slowly leaned down to connect her lips with yours, initiating a soft and gentle kiss. Your eyes opened wide at this, yet the feeling of her lips on yours made you melt into her and kiss back.

The kiss didn't last for long, it felt more like a loving peck with how quickly she pulled back, leaving you with a sense of wanting more. Himeko smiled and sat up on your waist, pulling you with herself. She wrapped her arms around your neck and embraced you again, whispering in a soft tone, "Let's take it slow, shall we? If you want to do more, that is~"

You blushed then kept your hand on her upper back and nodded, "I do.... but I don't want to think of you as a replacement for her. You are Himeko but you are not her, and I want to love you for who you are not because you are Himeko. Um, did that make sense?"

"Mhm, I understand. I also want that, I'd be upset if you take me just because I look and sound like her...." she paushed then leaned close to your ear, "....I'll make you love me, I hope you will be prepared~"

Little did you both know that you were already drawn to her, the Himeko that she was and not the one in your memory.

#honkai star rail #star rail #hsr himeko #hsr x reader #hsr himeko x reader #honkai star rail himeko #himeko x reader #honkai star rail x reader #honkai star rail fluff #hsr women #fem reader #herrscher reader

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levmada · 10 months

Note

You said you could write an essay on S3 Eruri poster, DO IT 👁️ 👁️

THANK YOU FOR ENABLING ME😩BTW TELL ME HOW I WROTE A 7 PAGE ESSAY ABOUT ERURI IN LIKE 2 HOURS BUT MY ACADEMIC LIFE IS SUFFERING😭 | 2.2k

alright. (here it is in the best quality i could find:)

this image was a promo for season 3. i believe it refers to both part 1 and part 2, even though Erwin’s major character arc is finished in part 2.

first of all, before dissecting the image i'm going to lay out all the puzzle pieces needed for us to do that. let’s focus on Erwin’s father first.

Erwin’s father’s suspicious death is what drove him since he was a child. he resolves to find out the truth about his death, and that expands to proving his father right about his theories concerning the world that they live in—by any means necessary. his curiosity and sense of justice is a major motivator for him, but arguably the biggest is Erwin's sense of guilt, that he got his father killed for sharing his theories with his classmates.

Erwin becomes a soldier (assumably, as soon as possible at age 12). and at first, he is still open about his curiosity, his hopes and his dreams. in one scene as a cadet he’s insisting to Nile that there’s more to their world than what’s presented to them all, especially concerning the mystery of the Titans, but Nile brushes him off. furthermore, during Erwin’s monologue, we learn that everyone dismissed him as a naive boy with an overactive imagination, as well as a death wish for his intentions to join the Scouts.

[youtube link of Erwin's backstory - a couple second-long clip]

because of that, Erwin became much more closed off. he learned that if no one would take him the slightest bit seriously or even give him the time of day, he would have to present himself as someone powerful and worth listening to. he can’t find the truth solely on his own.

so, Erwin manipulates and schemes to further his goals. only in the no regrets side story do we see that for ourselves before he became commander. and hell, he was practically commander already in every way except in name. he came up with an actual planned formation that decreased soldiers’ deaths; he made the battle plans; he was given full authority over Levi and his friends (notable since they were known as a couple of thugs from the underground at the time) with Shadis having next to no part in such a thing. he blackmailed the powerful politician that wanted to disband the survey corps, he was smart enough to figure out Levi, Isabel, and Furlan’s plans and trick them too. hell, when Levi had the sword to his throat to kill him anyway, Erwin physically gripped the sword and held him back, and convinced Levi to join their cause instead. Levi back then, whose actions always centered around his friends’ survival, who had a clear ego himself.

Erwin must’ve gleaned something from his conversation with levi in the castle, after his first Titan kill. that Levi was fascinated at the idea that he could protect others for a cause.

so in short, Erwin is a genius. he has the intelligence, strength, and charisma - and if not, he gains it - to ascend the ranks as well as keep himself alive.

because of Erwin’s actions and how he reacts to the consequences, it’s easy to conclude that he’s a shameless ego-maniac that believes, and will, do whatever he wants with no regard to anyone else.

that’s not it.

Erwin is universally loved by the entire survey corps in the present. for example in season 2 after Eren is kidnapped, and many are injured after the Colossal and Armored Titans appeared again. everyone appears comforted and in higher spirits when Erwin and his backup appears to assess the situation.

and it’s true. without Erwin’s leadership, the morale and the Survey Corps’ successes aren’t nearly what they are.

but in his conversation with Levi in season 3 part 1, Erwin sees himself as replaceable without a doubt. and that's only the tip of the iceberg.

earlier in that season when Erwin is talking to Zachery, Erwin expresses that he doesn’t know if the coup is right, or whether it’ll just lead to suffering. he has plenty of doubts. he’s actuely aware that his actions are drastic, he holds lives in his hands that he has willingly let slip through his fingers for the sake of the truth.

hell, he isn’t bothered when he wakes up with his arm missing. he will pay the rest of the price when he ‘ends up in hell’. it’s spoken like a joke, too, and after that, Levi helps to ease the tension. in his own way, he tries to make Erwin feel better by teasing him.

later in that scene, when Hange gravely shares their theory that the titans are actually human beings, Levi seems devastated and the mood is clearly solemn, but Erwin smiles. because this was proof that his father’s theories held water, that they’re one step closer to learning the origins of the Titans and the truth of their world.

while a village of people are either titanized or dead. yes, Erwin was extremely selfish in that moment. he is selfish, but he’s not heartless.

if you still have any doubts at all about that, just go and watch the entire crate scene(link). i won’t add screenshots because there’s simply too much to put lol.

Erwin’s guilt is endless. he confesses to Levi that he felt suicidal many times, but his motivation to keep going was for his father, and the truth. it’s a complex in his head that he dissects then and there: that all he’s done, he’s done for the sake of humanity, justice, of bringing freedom to everyone in a world safe from the titans.

but his intentions are also horribly selfish. at his core, he’s still a hapless child who just wants to see what’s in the basement. the truth.

in that monologue, Erwin’s self hatred is completely exposed. he feels that he tricked everyone, including Levi, into ignorantly joining his selfish ploy. that he’s irredeemable, and he deserves a fate even worse than death.

back in the hospital room, it’s canon and has been expanded upon that in that moment when Erwin smiled at the news that Levi realized that Erwin’s true intentions are selfish. but what did he do? he did what he’s always done ever since that fateful day in the storm. Levi learned that there’s a darkness within Erwin, but he still cares for him. even without an explanation, he feels that way. regardless of whether you see their relationship as romantic or not, Levi loved him and that’s undeniable.

back to the crate scene, after Erwin shared all of that with the extra visual of Erwin standing upon a mountain of corpses so high that the ground wasn’t visible underneath, Levi kneels and reassures him. “You have fought well. It's only thanks to you that we've come this far.” and he promises to kill the Beast Titan (furthermore, Levi’s devotion is clear in his obvious passion in season 4 to do just that).

but Erwin’s love for Levi is the same. Levi is also in the image beside Erwin’s father.

back in No Regrets, Erwin is outright smitten with Levi from the beginning when he first saw him using the ODM gear in the Underground. (i'm out of images i can add.. curse you tumblr.)

he needs him to join his cause. and he goes to great lengths to do just that.

Erwin knows that Levi is invaluable. for example in season 1 after Levi announces that he’s going back to his squad, Erwin stops him and makes him refuel his equipment when it was pointless. the truth is that after seeing what the Female Titan was capable of, the last thing Erwin was about to do was risk Levi’s life. ERWIN, the man who’s known for taking risks and making deadly gambles, won’t risk Levi’s life.

in season 3 part 2 the first idea Levi proposes is for everyone who’s still alive to escape on Eren while he fights the Beast Titan. Erwin immediately states that he won’t even get close to him and dismisses it. the most important battle of humanity (said Erwin), Erwin who has gotten countless comrades killed, committed so much sin, has shown himself to be incredibly selfish, would rather die without his life goal being completed than get Levi killed.

you could argue: well obviously not. in both those cases, Levi is in invaluable asset. he’s a tool. of course Erwin would take costly action to keep him alive.

but even if Levi did die to the Female Titan in season 1, Levi wasn’t needed for the operation in Stohess to succeed. in fact, he was injured. assumably he twisted his ankle, and Erwin put him out of commission for weeks. including during that battle against the Colossal and Armored titans, as far as they know the biggest threats to humanity. Levi wasn’t allowed because he had a minor injury. if Levi was just an important tool, Erwin would've gambled Levi's life on killing the Female Titan when he had the chance. Erwin would’ve had Levi join everyone else in rescuing Eren too.

Erwin wouldn’t be able to live with himself if Levi died under his orders. while Levi has expressed many times that even if Erwin were to lead them all into hell, he wouldn’t regret it for a second.

and in season 3 part 2, Erwin sacrifices himself (on top of scores of teenagers in classic Erwin fashion) in order for Levi to have a chance to succeed. for Levi to live, and for there to still be a hope of making a peaceful world.

with all this in mind, we have the tools to understand this promo image (god i'm such a loser).

Erwin’s conflict in season 3 part 2 is between finding the truth for his father’s sake no matter the cost, or continuing living for his duty’s sake symbolized by Levi. selfishly following his personal dream, selfishly pursuing the basement regardless of how many people die. or, selflessly bringing justice to his father’s murder by proving him right even if he can't be a part of it, selflessly leading the fight to finally bring back the hope and strength that Levi represents.

canonically, Levi is also Erwin’s last bastion of his humanity. without him, Erwin would have no qualms of acting like the monster Floch later portrays him to be. (i can add a link of proof later if anyone actually reads this lmao.)

Levi, and Erwin’s father are important to him. they give Erwin his reason to live in different ways.

this is represented by their positions on the poster. both of their profiles are visible, taking up the same amount of space in frame, both are looking back, presumably at Erwin with suggestive looks, as if waiting for Erwin to act.

specifically, let’s center in on Erwin’s father. he��s on the left, notably the side that Erwin lost his arm. this isn’t a coincidence. here, Erwin’s father represents his selfishness, even his suicidality (think back to Erwin’s comment about paying the rest of the price for his sins on hell while referring to his arm). to be succinct, Erwin’s father represents loss. and in a related meaning, he represents Erwin failing, and losing his life.

his father’s expression is different from Levi’s. his head isn’t turned towards him as much as Levi’s is, implying either a lack of confidence in Erwin, or that he isn’t supporting what he plans to do, and yet in his expression, he looks at him imploringly, worried. he’s asking for something. Erwin to stop all this self-torture? Erwin to bring justice to his death and find the truth about their world? pity? it’s not clear.

Levi is on the right. “his right hand man” right? (isayama is a genius by the way). Levi also appears to be in front of Erwin, but he’s looking back much more purposefully. he isn’t afraid, and he has no doubt. his brow is furrowed and he’s looking at Erwin pointedly, also expecting something from him, and that’s to lead him. Levi looks sure of himself, but he’s noticeably frowning, showing that he’s not completely confident. as well, Levi isn’t in uniform. actually his shirt and collar are that from no regrets when he met Erwin.

finally, Erwin. you don’t need to take more than a first glance to understand that he’s in turmoil. although most of his body is in frame, the perspective of the picture is from above him, while his father and Levi are at level with the viewer. as a result Erwin looks smaller, almost powerless. his cape billows behind him so that he isn’t shielded by it at all. symbolically, Erwin the man, and not Erwin the soldier, is being exposed here. one of the lapels of his jacket is blown aside, his commander’s necklace is strewn, and one of his legs appear to be raised as if in the middle of the motion to step back. his fist is loosely clenched by his side, further exuding his lack of confidence. he looks worried.

he’s worried about judgment from both Levi and his father. he has a choice to make that will undermine the other. he’s unsteady, and isn’t sure how to proceed.

this image literally says a thousand of words without saying anything. as i’ve explained, Erwin’s conflict between executing his father’s wish regardless of the consequences and who may die (including Levi, if Erwin were to agree to Levi's plan), or to fight valiantly in pursuit of a peaceful world with everything Levi represents: compassion, strength, sacrifice.

and of course, we know what he chose. he chose Levi. he gave up on his dream, this thing that gave Erwin the will to live, and willingly charged into a battle he knew he wouldn’t live through, let alone win.

even in near-death, coincidental or not, Erwin’s arm raising away from the syringe and his words - the question to his father in the classroom that started Erwin's whole journey - affected Levi’s choice. specifically, Levi recognized that Erwin’s dream was killing him from the inside, and it has all this time. he had become a slave to it like Kenny had. that is one of the reasons Levi let erwin rest, and erased all his burdens with death.

essay complete😈

#i had to reread midnight sun and erwin and levi's last conversations for this essay so i expect compensation for my upcoming therapy visits #/j #aot #aot manga #snk manga #aot official art #snk promo image #eruri #aot analysis #snk analysis #attack on titan manga #snk official art #snk levi #aot erwin #erwin smith #character analysis #erwin snk #erwin aot

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grapejuicestyless · 10 months

Text

I Don’t Need Your Closure.

Harry Styles x Fem!Reader

Summery: In the storm that is change, Harry seems to forget the one constant in his life.

It was predictable that with the hiatus announced, there was no eighteen months. That was it. They had the time they had left and that’s all they had to give. I’d known it since Harry had told me almost two years ago. Telling me about the idea they’d drawn up after years of nonstop working, the twinkle in his eye showed more than excitement for a break, but for a new start.

I knew him like that. I knew when he was happy, or nervous. When he was beating himself internally after a shaky performance or he was trying to remain calm in the most intense situations. I could read Harry like the back of my hand. I knew him in and out. We’d stay up for hours talking and talking until we wanted to just about die from over sharing and opening wounds to each other we didn’t realize were there until we’d felt the comfort of confessing our truths to each other.

You realize a blanket of protection seems to wrap around yourself once you’re in such an emotionally trusting relationship. It’s subconscious yet dangerous. You forget why you even had walls put up so strong and forget how to catch yourself when you fall.

I always knew that with the break, permanent or now, whatever Harry had convinced himself, there would be changes in our lives.

How naïve I was to believe it would be good. Such a fool to have thought I would be there to grow and change with him. How blissfully unaware I was that Harry had fallen so far into the wonderful newness of a fresh start that he forgot to love the one thing he’d always had.

I dedicated six years of my life to him. Having been asked out by the curly headed boy just weeks before his audition. The blush evident on his cheeks and the nervousness projecting through his bleeding cuticles and his bitten lips. I still had the, “We believe Harry has the X-Factor” t-shirt folded neatly at the bottom of one of my drawers.

And how invested I had become through his career. Helping him on the nights where it just all seemed too much for a teenage boy to be dealing with. When he felt neglected or abused, forgotten by his old friends or exploited by the tabloids so young, I had been the one to pick him up and work him through it. Sleeping pressed against his body in his tour bus so tightly we joked I would leave an indent in his side.

So, when he began to start his new album, and planned to fly far away to get into the right headspace, I couldn’t have imagined he had wanted me away from him. Always being told I was his biggest muse for everything he had done, I was blind sighted by everything he’d done.

It was cruel, and twisted the way I could have poured my everything into someone just for them to leave me dry and bleeding out.

The knowledge that he had this wonderful new start, a new success and dropped the one thing that stayed through his lowest points was like picking the scab over and over and watching it bleed.

It made me wish I hadn’t spent so much time devoted to him.

I was happy for him when the album was a success. It was obvious when he’d left me I still rubbed some final inspiration onto his work. His songs, ‘Only Angel’ and ‘Two Ghosts’ perfectly depicting situations only we’d been through. The way his fans practically ran to his aid after finding out about our separation almost made me even more angry. How quickly they were able to victimize him and coddle him made me sick.

What about me? What about the woman you’d welcomed into the fandom family with open arms so long ago. The woman who you’d stop on the streets for photos with and tell all about you day to? What about me, who was suffering in this all alone. No support from anyone. All my friends, were his. When we split, it only made sense for them to drift from me. I was a loose end meant to be severed.

So all alone, for a year or two, I watched him tour and bask in his new success, while I watched farther than ever before, selfishly wishing he would crumble under the pressure and fall face first. And even in my pity party, I couldn’t find a single piece of me that could hate him.

Sometimes he sent letters. I got them. All decorated with fancy boarders and sparkling wording that swooped and swirled in beautiful cursive letters. Invitations to house parties and shows nearby. Tickets prepaid, and VIP passes sent in the envelope.

Him and his constant need to leave no traces of bad blood in his life. His persistence in trying to be friends again. Trying to have a relationship together. He longed to have that stability he once had in his life.

Sure, we’d both dated around. Him, a tall brunette I didn’t recognize for a month and me, a few dates here and there. None ever stuck though. That knowing that someone was out there that I’d trusted enough to confess my deepest, most twisted confessions to had the ability to just walk out and have no care for the wreckage they’d left behind ruined everything I once adored. I grew trust issues. I found it hard to confide in even my closest friends, even if they’d done nothing wrong to lose it.

But, if that closure was what he wanted from me. If being friends would iron it out so nice for him, then I didn’t want it. It was like he was reaching out across a sea he had put between him and me. Trying to fix the distance he had purposefully placed when he left my life for the first and last time.

I missed him. I missed his vanilla cologne and his sweet kiss pressing across my face on the lazy mornings. I missed his hands in my hair and our drunken giggles. I miss him, still. All the time I think about how our family could’ve grown. How we could’ve been parents with little copy’s of each other running around. How we could’ve laid in the cozy living room arguing on if they looked more like him or me and eventually swooning over the features they got from each of us. I imagined I would say, “He has your eyes” and he would tell me our son had my smile.

But those daydreams could eventually drift away. I would continue to heal the longer I spent away from him. I would continue to grow and learn to trust and I would marry. I would find someone who could treat me the way I wished Harry had and I would forget about the man who ripped out my heart and made me forget how to breathe.

I would move on, and the letters will stop. If he really cares, he could come to me and beg on his knees. If he wanted to, he could. But he doesn’t so he doesn’t deserve what I could give him.

Yes, I got your letter. Yes, I’m doing better. I know that it’s over. I don’t need your closure.

#harry styles x reader #harry styles x y/n #harry styles x you #harry styles imagine #harry styles angst #closure

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harucafelatte · 6 months

Text

stupid little things (part 2)

synopsis: the enstars characters as romance clichés

pairings: suou tsukasa, sazanami jun x fem!reader (separate)

genre: fluff

content warnings: lowercase intended, not proofread, non-established relationship (tsukasa), established relationship (jun), idol!reader (jun), harassment (jun)

word count: 804 words

author's note: i'm back with part 2 of this series! not really confident but i hope you'll enjoy reading this! read part 1 here!

taglist: @kazemiya, @tomago, @saikisolosgoku (fill in the taglist form to be added)

✧˖° 朱桜司 · suou tsukasa

➽ confessing while you're "asleep"

"i knew i should've stopped you from playing in the rain with leo..." he sighed as soon he entered your room.

it took you a while to register who was at your door and you soon realised that it was your best friend, tsukasa.

"i told you that i'm fine!" you croaked, as you sat up from your bed.

tsukasa eyed you suspiciously.

"with a voice like that? i think not." he said, making his way to you. he gently placed a hand on your forehead and immediately withdrew his hand. "you're burning up! you're obviously not 'fine'! give me a moment, i'll go get your medicine." he exclaimed, turning around to leave. before he could even take a step, you grabbed his wrist.

"stay..."

"but your medi-"

"i already took them..."

lies.

you haven't taken your medicine. but all you needed right now was for him to be by your side.

"then sleep. i'll be right here."

it was as if he had read your mind.

silence filled the room as you lay back down and closed your eyes while tsukasa, who was seated on the floor next to your bed, watched you toss and turn until finally finding a comfortable position to sleep in. he was glad that your cold wasn't that serious. he couldn't bear to see a loved one suffering.

time flew by quickly, and before he knew it, it was getting dark outside. seeing that your back was facing him, he decided to call out to you.

"y/n?"

no response.

tsukasa took a deep breath.

this was his chance and he wasn't going to waste it.

"i like you, y/n. i've liked you for a while now. i know you can't hear me right now but that's okay, i'll confess to you again soon." with that, he got up and made his way to the door.

"get well soon, my princess." he whispered as he exited your room, closing the door with a 'click'.

little did he know that you were wide awake the entire time, and now you were a blushing mess.

✧˖° 漣ジュン · sazanami jun

➽ protecting you from a stalker + wrist grabs

you were waiting for jun at the station when you received a text from him.

*jun*

jun - 10:15 am: sorry, i'll be a bit late.

you - 10:17 am: it's okay! i'm waiting at the station.

jun - typing...

suddenly, a voice caused you to look up from your phone.

"excuse me? are you y/n?"

you saw a boy standing in front of you.

"yes, i am. how may i help you?" you asked.

"oh my gosh...i'm literally your biggest fan!" he gushed.

oh.

"you have no idea how much i love you! i've attended all your concerts and brought all your merch! oh my gosh...i can't believe you're standing right in front of me!" he rambled.

he began asking you questions, some of which were personal, which made you slightly uncomfortable. not wanting to ruin your idol image, all you could do was smile.

"right...i've been wanting to ask you this..." he mumbled, leaning into you, causing you to take a step back.

"are you dating that sazanami jun from eden?"

your smile dropped.

what?

"i've seen the two of you walking around in the city together."

"you've been following us around?"

"something like that." he confessed. "look, wouldn't it be better to date someone who truly loves you and can dedicate all his time to you?"

you were starting to feel very uncomfortable and wanted to get out of the situation as soon as possible.

"y/n?"

a familiar voice called out.

both you and the boy turned your attention to the owner of the voice and saw jun walking towards the two of you, with his phone just a few centimetres from his ear.

"i'm sorry for making you wait, y/n. i tried calling you but you wouldn't pick up." jun asked you, with a gentle smile. he sent a chilling glare towards the boy which caused him to take a step back away from you.

before the boy could say anything else, jun grabbed your wrist and pulled you towards him.

"let's go, my love," he said lovingly, before guiding you through the crowded station, away from the boy.

after walking for a while, he turned to look over his shoulder.

"did he do anything to you?" he asked, worry clear in his voice.

you shook your head and gave him a small smile. "he just asked me about our relationship."

"i think it's time to reveal our relationship to the public then."

"what? why?"

"so that everyone will know that you're mine and i'm yours." said jun, shooting you a grin.

maybe it wasn't that much of a bad idea after all.

#☕︎ barista's latte #☕︎ the newest item #ensemble stars x reader #enstars x reader #ensemble stars x reader fluff #enstars x reader fluff #suou tsukasa #suou tsukasa x reader #sazanami jun #sazanami jun x reader #esworks #ensemble stars #enstars

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vexingwoman · 1 month

Note

hello! i saw you mention whump. as a whump fan i can say that to me it doesn't really feel sexual, but that i am for some reason more attracted to a guy when he is hurt or abused. yeah it's fucked up but men watch porn of us getting hurt so idc!

Yes, I can see that whump content isn’t inherently sexual, but rather, it earned a slightly sexual reputation due to the fact that a disturbing number of whump themes are also bdsm themes. For instance, kidnapping, torture, being bound with ropes, being drugged, begging.

However, I don’t think women who consume whump content are comparable to men who consume bdsm pornography. (Neither do I believe women who consume whump content are inherently sick.) Besides the fact that whump is fiction and violent porn requires the actual brutalization of women, the reasons these two demographics are drawn to the kind of content they’re drawn to are completely different.

For many women who consume whump content, the appeal doesn’t seem to be the character’s suffering itself, but rather, how that character is subsequently comforted and coddled after he survives whatever horrible ordeal he’s put through. There are many posts like this in the whump community, where what is being romanticized is not the trauma, but the recovery or protection from that trauma:

That is the biggest difference between women who consume whump content and men who consume violent pornography—men who consume violent pornography are obviously not romanticizing the idea of comforting the women whose brutalization they just masturbated to. For men, the violence and suffering is the only appeal.

Of course, some women who consume whump content do seem to be more interested in the character’s suffering rather than his recovery. But even then, it’s clear that what they actually like is sympathizing for the character, pitying him, rooting for him, etc. This is evident in the way they talk about the characters whose suffering they’re invested in. For example, this is the most common meme/sentiment in the whump community:

These women actually love and adore the character’s whose suffering they romanticize, whereas men who consume violent pornography are extremely vocal about hating porn actresses. That is the other huge difference—women are drawn to the suffering of fictional characters because they adore them and enjoy sympathizing with them, and men are drawn to the suffering of porn actresses because they hate them and like seeing these women “get what they deserve.” Never have I seen a woman talk about a whump character in the same vile, sadistic, dehumanizing way that men talk about porn actresses.

Those are just my thoughts. The whump community is obviously highly questionable, and in my opinion, a very unhealthy coping mechanism. It needs to be further analyzed by radical feminists because there is so much internalized misogyny in these communities, which I briefly discuss here.

#terfblr #radical feminism #terfsafe #radblr #gender critical #radical feminist safe #misogny #sexism #trans logic #gender abolition #whump #whump community

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getwhore · 2 years

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me & ur mama! (jean kirschtein)

❀summary : Jean Kirschtein. He's been your son's best friend for as long as you can remember. He's also had the biggest crush on you since, you've met, as have you, but you're too oblivious to have noticed. It's okay! He'll show you exactly how much he adores you!

❀content warning : modern!au jean x fem/milf!reader , lovers at first sight (kinda) , age gap , almost forbidden love , degrading, praise!!!! , jean's kind of a creep & an asshole , missionary/mating press & backshots , oral (fem recieving) , clit slapping (like twice) , squirting , orgasm denial , abso-fucking-lutely no protection (except reader's birth control) , daddy & mommi kink <3 , kinda get caught so kinda exhibition , jean is also a sadist

❀word count : 6.1k (6,141)

❀a/n : y'all, it took me TWO months to finish this. was it worth it? i surely hope so. to keep it short, i really hope you all enjoy this one! i'm still working on some more wips, but i'm open to any requests :) (just plssss read my rules first, ty!!)

Your son Connie finally returns from college today. Even though you're eager to see him, you've been a little uneasy because he's bringing someone. You won't know who it is until they both enter the room, which is unfortunate for you. Like any other mother, you immediately assumed he was bringing a girlfriend or even a boyfriend! This, however, was not at all the case.

You’ve spent all day cleaning your home, baking cookies, cooking dinner, and anything else to make Connie and his company feel more than welcome. Just as you pulled your cookies out of the scalding oven, you heard Connie calling out for you. Immediately, you leave your cookies on the counter, and quickly make your way to the front door. Out of pure excitement, you’ve completely ignored the tall man standing beside Connie. You shower Connie with kisses, squeezing him with all of your strength.

“Mom, you’re fuckin’ squeezing me to death.” Connie gasped, trying his hardest to pry you off of his body.

“I’ve just missed you so much! I don’t think you understand how lonely I am when you leave!” You squeezed him harder, only letting go once you felt that you’ve made him suffer enough. When you pulled away from him, you were able to get a clear view of who walked in the door with him. When you did realize who it was, your heart began beating rapidly.

“I can’t believe I was so rude to completely ignore your presence! It’s so great to see you again, Jean!” You pulled him into a hug as well, pressing his face into your cleavage. Though it was accidental, you received absolutely no complaints from Jean.

“It’s great to see you too, Ms. l/n. Have you gotten shorter since the last time we saw each other?”

You giggled, making your chest bounce against Jean’s cheek. He didn’t intend for you to find the joke funny. All he needed was a slight chuckle to get your breasts to somewhat bounce against him. Unfortunately for him, you eventually pulled him from your chest.

“You boys make yourselves comfortable! I’m almost finished with dinner.” You smiled at both men before making your way back into the kitchen.

You stayed in the kitchen for the following 30 minutes in silence. You believed Connie and Jean had gone upstairs to unpack and take a nap before dinner. Only one puzzle piece was still missing. Jean had come downstairs for a "drink of water". You had no idea that Jean had been watching from a distance. He had been observing your every move—the way you knelt down to pick up a pan, the way you reached for the spices in the cabinet while standing on the tips of your toes, the way your ass would jiggle ever so slightly as you lowered yourself to the floor. He kept an eye on everything you did. He was more than just aroused, to put it mildly. Though he would have loved to act like the pervert he is and jerk off to you in the hallway, he decided that getting close to you would be preferable. Before entering the kitchen, he put himself together in the hallway. Hearing his footsteps enter the kitchen, you spun around.

“Hey Jean! I hope you aren’t down here for dinner because it’s far from ready.” You grimaced as you looked into the pot on the stove.

“Nah, I came for water, but I’ll gladly take one of these cookies.” Jean made his way over to the plate of cookies. He went to grab one, but you immediately snatched his hand away.

“Nuh-uh, no cookies until after dinner! You’ll spoil your appetite, and I spent a lot of time on this dinner.”

He was barely able to maintain eye contact with you. You were slightly taller than him, so he was almost eye level to your tits. If he wasn’t staring at your tits, he was staring at your lips, imagining how soft they’d feel wrapped around his cock. Ultimately, his body made him lose his entire train of thought.

“What exactly are you making for dinner? You’ve been stirring that pot for forever.”

“It was my attempt at spaghetti. It’s Connie's favorite, and I wanted it to welcome him home. The only problem is, I have no idea how to make it a little spicier. I’ve tried chili powder, I’ve tried pepper, I’ve tried red pepper flakes, hell, I’ve even tried hot sauce! I just can’t seem to get it right.”

You sulked as Jean observed. He made an effort to comprehend how significant this lunch was to you. You wanted Connie's first night home in a year to be memorable because it was. Your spaghetti, however, did not resemble spaghetti at all. In fact, it resembled overcooked noodles drenched in a vomit like green sauce. However, he would keep that a secret. Even though he's an asshole, he wouldn't be so cruel as to make fun of you for trying. Instead, he comfortingly gripped your shoulders.

“Y’know, you don't have to make dinner. Honestly, we’ve had a long drive, and something light would be better. Plus, I wanna try that pool of yours out and I can’t do that on a heavy stomach.”

You started to cry a little, but Jean's kindness made you laugh. You two decided that perhaps a lighter supper would be better for all of you. You all caught up over pizza that evening. The more you laughed during the night thanks to Connie, the more Jean could observe the vulgar bouncing of your breasts. He glanced a couple times, and you saw it, but you didn't think much of it.

Once you all finished with dinner, Jean volunteered to help you with the dishes while Connie took his shower. You appreciated the company, especially since it’ll give you a chance to catch up with Jean. For Jean, it gave him an opportunity to find some way between your legs.

“So, how’s college? I had no idea you and Connie were going to the same college! Then again, he never does tell me anything about his life.”

Jean chuckled as he handed you the soapy plate for you to rinse. “Well, college is college. Lots of books, lots of people, lots of classes, and everything else. However, the only thing that’s missing are the pretty girls.”

His words made you feel somewhat jealous. He was so young and had so much life to live. You knew there was almost no chance that you’d be with him. You were able to cope with that when he and Connie were in a whole other state. Now that he’s here in the same kitchen as you, so close to you, it’s harder to ignore your feelings.

“Well, don’t spend all your time in college looking for a girl. You have a lot of life ahead of you and there’s more important things besides looking for a relationship.”

“Yeah, I suppose you’re right, Ms. l/n.”

You sighed and looked at him. “Jean, I’ve told you multiple times to just call me y/n. There’s no need for formalities.”

“Sorry, sorry. I just don’t want to be disrespectful to such a beautiful woman.”

Hearing that made you blush heavily. You couldn’t tell if it was from the 3 glasses of wine you had 20 minutes before, or if it was because Jean had called you beautiful very unexpectedly.

“It isn’t disrespectful if I’ve already said it was okay! You’ve been friends with Connie for years and I’m glad you have. He’s happy with your friendship, so I’m even more happy!”

Jean smiled at you, not exactly knowing how exactly he should respond without obviously flirting with you. Once you finished with the dishes, you made your promise to Jean. You slipped into your two-piece bikini and made your way into the pool area. When you arrived, Jean was nowhere to be seen. While you waited, you went ahead and got into the pool, trying to get used to the water temperature before Jean came to join you. When he did finally come outside, you were turned away from him, giving him a full view of your ass. The bikini you wore left little to the imagination, it barely even covered your ass. It might as well have been non-existent. All Jean could do was stare, wondering how your ass would look while taking you from behind, how it would look while you’re on your knees sucking his cock. When you turned around, he realized just how revealing your bikini was. The top was worse than the bottom. The way it hugged tightly around your large breasts made Jean want to do nothing more than take you where you stood.

“Jean, honey are you okay? You look really flushed. We don’t have to swim today if you aren’t feeling well.”

God the way you said his name made him even harder than he was before. He simply shook his head, trying to rid himself of his lewd thoughts as he walked to the edge of the pool. Seeing the way Jean looked down at you with a slight smirk made your cunt throb. You haven’t felt this way in forever. You couldn’t even maintain eye contact with Jean with the way he was making you feel.

“Nah, I’m good. ‘S just kinda warm out here.” Jean chuckled lightly.

Eventually, Jean joined you in the pool, swimming towards you. When he did reach you, you couldn’t help but stand there and stare at him. The way his body looked, the way he looked at you, the way his eyes bored into you. Everything and anything Jean did made you feel weak, and he could see it. He could see how tense you got when he moved closer to you. He could see your eyes shifting from his body to his face, then from his face to the growing tent in his pants.

“Are you gonna stop staring, or am I gonna have to make you?”

You hadn’t even realized how long you were staring until he pointed it out. This made you instantly blush. The embarrassment kept you from being able to actually respond to his question. As he waited for your answer, you were trying your hardest to muster the courage to respond without sounding stupid.

“I-I wasn’t staring! I was only looking at the rose bush! It’s not my problem that you just happen to be standing directly in front of it.”

He chuckled..well, no. He laughed. He laughed at your response. You knew that he knew you were lying right through your teeth. All you could do was stand there, watching as he tried to catch his breath, but everytime he did, he just laughed even harder. Finally, after forever, he stopped laughing.

“That was the best excuse you could come up with? C’mon, I thought you’d give me something way more believable.”

“You are standing in front of the rose bush though.”

“Stop it with the damn rose bush. You can’t stare at something below you and something above you at the same time.”

“Jean, what the hell are you talking about?”

Jean sighed. At this point, he knew you would keep rambling just to avoid the confrontation. However, he couldn’t stand listening to you ramble about the damn rose bush any longer.

“You were staring at my dick. And before you even start with that goddamn rose bush, I saw you repeatedly look up at me and then back down at my pants. If you wanna touch it, just say that.”

“Excuse me?! Jean, that is extremely inappropriate of you to say something like that. Even if I did, I would never grope my son’s friend. That would be irresponsible of me as a mother.”

“If you give such a shit about being responsible, why are you still fighting the urge to stare at my cock?”

He was right. You had been holding your hands tightly in front of you. In reality, you desperately wanted to touch his cock. As much as you hate to admit it, you could give a shit less about being responsible or respected by Jean. In fact, you’d rather him be disrespectful to you. Just you biting your lip was enough of an answer for Jean. Without thinking, he picked you up, setting you on the edge of the pool. As of now, he was face to face with your breasts. Being this close to them for the second time of the night made him groan.

You hold back a moan as Jean roughly grabs your tits. The way they overflow from his big hands make you whine. Jean didn’t look up at you once. He was mainly concerned about how soft your tits were and how perky your nipples were as they pebbled through your bikini top.

“Not so worried about being such a ‘responsible mother’ now, are you?” Jean chuckles at your shy, but lewd reaction.

“Jean, you should stop! Connie might come out any minute!”

He didn’t stop though. He knew you couldn’t care less about your son coming out and catching the both of you. “C’mon, you know Connie. He goes right to sleep after his showers, and, as long as you don’t get too loud, he won’t catch us. Though, you might like the idea of him actually coming down and catching us.”

Yeah you definitely would love that idea, but it’s too early to try anything like that. You shouldn’t even be letting him touch you. Especially not so lewdly. You’d been so caught up in your own thoughts that you hadn’t realized that Jean was untying your bikini top until it was too late. Before you could protest, Jean pulled you into a kiss. It wasn’t the romantic kind of kiss that you’d be looking forward to. This kiss was more heated, more passionate. The aggressive hand behind your head pulling you closer to his lips, the rough clashing of teeth, the lewd exchange of each other’s saliva, all of it was enough to make you soaked in your bikini bottoms. You’d been so caught up in your lewd exchange of kisses with Jean, you hadn’t seen Jean’s hand creep up towards your middle. Though, even if you had noticed, you wouldn’t have stopped him.

“Jean, are you sure you want to do this? I’d hate to let my feelings come between you and my son’s relationship”

Jean knew you were trying to be sincere about it, but he also knew you wanted this as much as he did, even if it did hurt the relationship between him and your son.

“Of course I’m sure. How couldn’t I be when you’re practically begging me to fuck you. The question is, are you sure, Ms. l/n?” Jean watches your face redden when your last name smoothly and sexily rolls off his tongue.

Even if you weren’t so sure, it’s not like you could back out now. Especially not when he’s got one hand tightly gripping your waist and one hand pinching and twisting your sensitive nipples through your tiny bikini top. He knew you wouldn’t pass up this opportunity, knew you’d do anything to feel him inside of you.

As hard as you fought to speak through your moans, you merely failed, barely managing to whisper ‘Yeah, ‘m suuuure’, as your words began to slur. He couldn’t help but laugh a little at the way he was already mushing your brain. All you needed was a little push, and you were like putty in his hands.

“Yeah..yeah you are sure. Especially with how wet you are, how couldn’t you be sure?” Jean mocked you as he ran a finger through your slit. The squeal that left you made him shiver. He ached to touch you, he yearned to feel you, but he knew that making you beg for it would have a greater outcome.

“Jean-fuuuck!” You threw your head back, slightly grinding your hips into his finger. You knew he was teasing you like this on purpose, but who were you to not give him what he wants?

“C’mon, you complained about being too loud, but it seems like you want Connie to find you like this.” Jean pulled his finger away, immediately popping it into his mouth. He deeply sighed, the taste of you on his tongue making him want to do more than turn you into a brainless slut.

“First, you open the door in that tight ass shirt, and that tiny little pair of shorts with your cute little baking apron tied tightly around your hips.” Jean kissed down your body, inching ever so slowly towards your pussy. “Then, you prance around the house, looking like such a slut with these tits out. It’s like you wanted me to fuck you. And now, here you are, begging me to touch that slutty pussy, begging me to make you cum all over my face. You could care less if your son caught us. You wouldn’t stop me no matter how embarrassed you are. You want me to fuck you, to own you, to disrespect that nasty cunt until you cum.”

He was right. You wanted nothing more than to let Jean have complete control of your body and you could give less of a shit if Connie were to see. In fact, a small part of you hoped that he would see. Somehow, the thought of getting caught having sex with your son’s best friend made you wetter than before. At this point, you were done with the teasing, willing to do anything just to finally have Jean inside of you.

“J-Jean, please just fuck me”, You whimpered, watching Jean pay no attention to your begging and pleading . His focus was strictly on your cunt and the way it tightly clenched when his breath fanned over it.

“Nah, you don’t deserve it yet.” Jean pressed his thumb to your clit, watching how you immediately arch into his touch. As much as he adored the way you whined and grabbed at his wrist to keep his thumb in its place, he didn’t like how you thought you had any kind of control in this situation. Instead of punishing you for it, he let it slide just this once. “Stop movin’ so much or I won’t give you anything.”

You couldn’t even voice a response before Jean licked a long, and tantalizing slow stripe up your slit. The way his tongue laid flat against your clit, slightly flicking it up while rubbing your entrance with his thumb. Jean saw exactly how he made you feel. He calculated every movement you made and tried his hardest to make you do it over and over and-

“Are you even listenin’ to me? ‘Course you’re not, you’re too busy trying to get yourself off on my tongue.” Jean deeply sighed as he removed himself from between your legs.

“N-No! I was listening, I promise! Pleas-” You sobbed, grabbing onto Jean. You were immediately shut down when he grabbed your face in one hand, forcing you to look at him. The deadly glare, the orgasm that he denied you from, the aggression of his hand on your face, all of it was enough to have your eyes watering and your bottom lip wobbling.

“Shut the fuck up. ‘M so tired of listening to you whine and cry like a pathetic bitch.” Jean briefly let go of your face, but not for your own relief. He immediately used that hand to grab your throat while he used his other to slap you a bit. “You’re so used to gettin’ what you want. You’ve got the perfect life, the perfect body, the perfect son, everything. You’re just a spoiled fuckin’ brat and I’m tired of it.”

“‘M sorry Jean, wont whine anymore, I won’t complain, I’ll take anything you give me. Just..just wanna feel you, all of you.” You cried, grabbing onto the back of his neck. His expression softened a little, giving you the opportunity to kiss him. Not a slow kiss, but more of a passionate, steamy kiss. A kiss to let him know he had full control of you. When he pulled away, he let go of your neck, pushing himself out of the pool by its walls. Quickly, he picked you up and laid you onto one of your pool chairs nearby.

As you laid helplessly on the chair, you watched Jean untie his swim shorts at a quick pace. He couldn’t wait anymore. As much as he wanted to continue teasing you until you had dry tears on your face, he just couldn’t wait to be inside of you for any longer. Even still, he was going to make sure you did know exactly who you belonged to. When he removed his shorts, you had a full view of his cock. He was definitely bigger out of his shorts than in. The sight made more than just your mouth water, and Jean could see the desperation in your face. He wasted no time moving between your legs, finally removing your bikini bottoms and tossing them to the side.

“I didn’t get to fully prep you this time, so I’ll be gentle, okay? If it hurts at any time, don’t hesitate to tell me to stop” Jean looked down at you with sincerity in his eyes. The lust that once clouded his eyes was gone, at least for now. All he cared about in this moment was making you feel so so good.

“Mhmm, I’ll tell you. I just wanna feel you, Jean. All of you.” You pulled his face down for another kiss, feeling his cock lightly brush against your cunt. Jean eventually pulled away, pushing your legs up slightly and asking you to hold them in that exact position. Once he got your verbal agreement, he slowly stroked himself over your pussy. He dipped the tip between your lips, rubbing it against your clit to make you twitch. He teased a little more by rubbing himself up and down your slit soooo slowly, just until he heard you softly beg him to ‘fucking put it in already’.

“Remember, just relax. It’s gonna hurt a little, but if it’s too much, I’ll stop.” Jean groaned out as he began slowly pushing into you. The way you instantly tightened around him made him moan a little louder than before. The deeper he pushed into you, the tighter you’d get. “C’mon baby, you’re doing so good for me, so so good. Just keep relaxing for me.”

“Faster, please-fuck Jean- faster! I wanna feel all of you.” You cried out as you felt the tip of his cock jerk against that soft spot inside of your cunt. You pulled your legs up closter towards your chest, giving him more access to your deepest parts. All Jean could do was groan at your neediness, pushing himself deeper into you per your demand. As much as he did want to keep going slow for you, he could tell that all you wanted was for him to just fuck you already. So, he shoved the last few inches into you with a harsh thrust, him groaning while you squeal loudly at the sudden aggression. Once he felt your walls relax around him, he wasted no time taking control. He replaced your hands on the backs of your thighs with his, pushing them impossibly close towards your chest.

“You want me to fuck you, huh? That’s what you want? Tell me, tell me you want me to fuck you.” Jean grinded his cock into you as he watched you twitch from the stimulation. As much as he did enjoy watching you feel so good, he still didn’t get any answer. “C’mon, you can act brainless later. I need your answer now, or I’m pulling out.”

The threat of him pulling out, completely withdrawing from your cunt, made you immediately begin to beg. “N-No! Don’t pull out please, I need you to fuck me! Please-” The rest of your begging became nothing more than a few babbles and even more moans and squeals as Jean finally began driving himself into your cunt with sharp and methodical thrusts. The more you moaned, the more tempted he felt to get even faster, just to see if you could get even louder. He wanted to alert Connie, he wanted your son to come downstairs and see her being fucked stupid in her backyard by his best friend.

Jean removed his hands from your thighs, throwing your legs over his shoulders as he bent over to kiss you. He knew you wouldn’t be able to kiss him back as much since the stimulation was too much for you. You were more focused on chasing that orgasm that he denied you from earlier. Luckily for you, that’s all Jean wanted to do. He couldn’t even think of cumming before making you cum for him first. To achieve this, he picked you up slightly by your waist, making your back arch upward, making it so much easier for his cock to continuously drive into that sensitive spot. Every thrust he gave you managed to hit that spot on the way in and on the way out. It made your eyes water, it made your mouth water, it made your toes curl, it made you feel so close. But, wait..did you always have to pee?

“Wait, Jean! I gotta-shit!-gotta pee! You gotta stop!” You thrashed in his hold as you squealed. He didn’t stop though, just let go of your hips and pushed your legs back into your chest.

“You’ve never even squirted before? Shiiit baby, I’m about to make your first time the best time.” Jean used one hand to thumb your clit while he slowed his strokes down slightly. At this moment, it’s not about speed. It’s all about precision. Jean continues a medium pace, but he hits that spot even harder now, continuing to rub your clit in slow circles. When he looks down at your cunt, he can see the white ring you’re leaving at the base of his cock. All he can do is moan at the sight as he spits on your clit for more lubricant. When he does this, you begin squirming even more than before. He fucks you through the squirming, but he does try to urge you to calm down.

“C’mon baby, stop squirmin’ and let yourself go. I’m not stoppin’ till you make a fucking mess.” Jean groans out while lightly slapping your clit. At this point, your toes hurt from curling so hard and you’re seeing stars. You can feel yourself getting closer and closer, and so can Jean.

“Jean, don’t stop! ‘M gonna-ugnn!-gonna cum! Lemme cum, please, I need it!” You beg, plead, and moan ever so loudly. Jean just knows now that Connie can hear all the noise you’re making. “Nobody’s stoppin’ you baby, let go.” Jean continues lightly slapping your clit while you continue to squirm and thrash around in his hold. Finally, with one more hard thrust, one more slap against your clit, and that dark look in Jean’s eyes, you let go. You can barely feel your lower half when you do, and your vision turns bright white with a loud ringing in your ears.

“Fuuuck, there you fuckin’ go, baby! That’s what I wanted.” Jean chucked as you squirt all over his chest, making the biggest mess with the loudest and most erotic moans. Just the sight of tears running down your face and juices still sputtering from your cunt is enough to make Jean want to cum. But, he needs one more. One more toe curling, spine aching, mess making orgasm out of you.

Once you came down from your mind shattering orgasm, Jean made no hesitation to prop you up on your knees, ass high up in the air. He expected to hear some protesting from you, but was excited to hear absolutely no complaints. The sight of you still trembling and trying to hold yourself up was enough to make Jean’s cock twitch a little.

“J-Jean, please..” You reached behind you with a shaky hand, trying to, somehow, pull him closer to you. “Want’ you inside again, wanna cum again, please.” You whined out to him, trying to push your ass towards his groin, trying to at least feel the tip of his cock against your throbbing clit. But, to your dismay, Jean didn’t show the slightest bit of sympathy for you or your throbbing cunt.

“Awwh, you want me back inside? That’s so adorable baby, but-” Jean started, forcing the arm you used to grab him behind your back, resting right above your hip. With this newfound grip on you, Jean had a little more control of your actions than he did before. “You don’t get to have my cock whenever you want it. You can have my cock when I feel like you deserve it, and right now, I don’t feel like you do.”

You went to struggle against the restraint he had against your arm, which pissed him off even more. “No! Please, I want it! I deserve it, I’ve been so good!” You pleaded desperately. Though he loved listening to you beg for him, part of him wanted to hear you beg a little better than that.

“I know baby, I know.” Jean cooed at you, using his free hand to rub your ass softly. The way you leaned back into his touch, the way you just gave your body to him made his next choice of words come to him so much easier. “You gotta do somethin’ for me, okay pretty? If you can do this right, I’ll make you cum again.”

You immediately perked up, turning your head to look at him. “Mhm, I’ll do ‘nything for you, anything to cum.”

“Alright, if you say so honey. I need you to hold out for me, okay? Gonna get myself close, then I’ll let you cum.” Jean let go of the arm he had restrained behind you, still smoothing his hands over your ass. Once he heard your grunts of approval, and the tiny nodding of your head, he finally pushed himself back into your cunt. The deeper he forced himself, the closer you got to cumming, and Jean could feel it.

Your loud moans were like music to Jean’s ears, proof that he was making you feel so good, better than anyone’s made you feel. You could already feel yourself right at the edge, but you knew what you had to do, you knew what Jean wanted, and you knew what would happen if he didn’t get exactly that. Jean could feel how close you were, but he didn’t intend to make this easy for you. Where’s the fun in that? Instead of just letting you sit there while he does all the work, Jean stops moving, urging you to do it for him. “C’mon, slut. Be a gooood girl and push yourself back onto my cock. Don’t you fucking cum either, just work yourself on my co-yeah, that’s it.”

You tried your hardest to ground yourself as you rocked back and forth onto Jean’s cock. Each time he slipped out of you, it was hard for you to push him back in with how tightly you were clenching. You fought hard to not pull his cock out of you completely, but the stimulation from your last orgasm and your upcoming orgasm made it even harder. When you did pull too far, when he did ‘accidentally’ slip out, you made your best attempts to reach behind you and guide him back inside. Jean watched you struggle to keep your pace while not cumming, which pushed him closer to his release, but it wasn’t close enough.

Jean slowed your hips with a rough grip to your hips. When you looked behind you to find what the problem was, Jean took that as an opportunity to grab you by your neck. The way he tilted your head back so far made your back arch more. Though you could hardly breathe from the restraint he had on your neck, you still managed to keep your mouth shut. Jean stared down at you like this for a while until he spoke. “I’m almost there, honey. Just gotta take control for a bit, and then I’ll let you cum. Sound good?” He cooed at you as he began to continue thrusting into your poor, abused cunt. All you could do was nod.

The restraint around your neck made it hard to speak, so you used your moans and your body language to speak to him. The way your eyes rolled back and your mouth hung open was enough to let Jean know just how far gone you were. This was exactly what he wanted. From the day Connie introduced him to you, he’s wanted to just take you and fuck you stupid. You’ve been dodging his previous attempts, which made him all the more attracted to you. He was glad that you’d finally given up the good girl facade and just let him take over.

Your loud squealing brought Jean back to reality. He watched as your legs began to shake, your breathing began to become shaky. Jean let go of your neck, letting your head fall back into the poolside chair. He slowly inched his hand lower, rubbing rough circles on your clit. The reaction he got from you told him more than he needed to know. You were close, and if he didn’t catch up to you, you’d cum whether any of you wanted to or not. Jean began picking up the pace of his thrusts, listening to your muffled cries.

“Tell me what you want, baby. Tell me what you need.” Jean rubbed your clit faster, watching you grip the sides of the chair. You tried your hardest to muster up the courage to open your mouth, to speak in full sentences, but with the way he was thrusting inside of you, you had many complications. “Pleease, please fill me up! I wan’ all of your cum inside of me daddy please!”

Jean’s breath hitched. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He grabbed your head, pulling you up to meet his chest. “Repeat that, would you? Say that shit again, I wanna hear you loud and clear.” He growled into your ear, slightly slowing his thrusts to bring your attention back to him.

“Fill me up daddy! Ohmygod yes!-I want you to make me a mommy, wanna have your babies!” You sobbed, holding onto the hand that’s been manipulating your puffy clit.

“Yeah? You want me to make ya a momma again? You wanna really made me a daddy? Well, c’mon and cum so I can fill this mommy cunt up baby.” Jean picked his thrusts up again, rubbing your clit even faster. You finally began to feel yourself get closer and closer, felt that heat in your gut begin to slowly disappear, until finally, finally, you came all over Jean. You felt it drip down your thighs, watched it soak into the poolside chair. Jean let you go, letting your limp body fall forward as he continued to sloppily thrust himself into you. You could hear him mumble something, but your mind was so fuzzy, which made it harder to comprehend anything. Finally, Jean slowed his thrusts, and you could feel his cum fill you up.

When he stopped his thrusting, he pulled out of you, pulling his swim shorts back on. As he looked up toward your son’s window, he could see Connie watching with rage in his face. All Jean did was wave and grab pieces of your swimsuit. He would’ve loved to stay and watch you struggle to get back into your swimsuit, he had to leave before Connie beat him to a pulp.

“I gotta go, but let me know if you do, you know, end up pregnant” Jean slightly giggled at your attempt to nod your head at him. “I would advise you take an after pill, wouldn’t want ya getting knocked up.”

“‘M on birth control, Jean. Not havin’ anymore kids.” Your words were still slurring, trying to ground yourself once again so you could somehow make it up to your son.

“If ya say so. If you do wanna do this again, just call me. You have my number, I’m sure.” And with that, Jean went back into your house. Though your son will never forgive you for ruining his friendship for some dick, you definitely don't regret your choices. If you could do it again, you would. Over, and over, and over, and over again <3.

#[☆]-the naughty room #jean kirschtein x reader #jean kirschtein smut #jean kirschtein x you #aot x reader #attack on titan smut #snk smut

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ultrawalflower1212 · 8 months

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only friends episode 3 thoughts/debrief

ok so this episode was mad. and there's a lot to talk about.

Boston: I hate him. i feel like we're all so busy debating whether or whether not Mew's a bad person that we just let Boston be diabolical. i hate the way he toys with Nick and purposefully give him hope also the way he manipulates Nick into being ok with their dynamic; reprimanding Nick's valid concerns by calling him dramatic and convinces Nick to be ok with their current dynamic (implying that a relationship may be possible as long as Nick "keeps being so lovely")

this episode further proves to me that Boston doesn't actually want a real relationship with Top he just wants the control.

i think Boston views sex as a transaction and is used to using his body/sexuality as currency based on the way he reacts to Nick turning down his offer of sex in return for the cctv camera's.

i don't know why but i feel like Boston had feelings for/was attracted to Mew and was shot down, my reasoning is his comment to Nick about Top and his tweets. him comforting Nick by telling him he prefers cute to hot got me thinking and his old tweets about entitled to someone felt too intentionally vague.

part of me feels like Boston does like Nick. Boston seems like a commitment-phobe he hates the idea of being 'tied down' but enjoys the idea of someone being committed to him. in the scene of him and Nick in the car he tells Nick that he can define their relationship however he wants and i genuinely believe he means that because then he get's to have his cake and eat it too, he get's to reap all the boyfriend benefits without having to actually be in a real relationship and Nick get's to decide what they are.

bottom line Boston and Nick are now basically label-less which comes with it's own set of problems, a lack of labels means a lack of boundaries.

Nick: Nick doesn't seem to have any friends outside of Sand or at least none he feels comfortable enough around to ask for advice causing him to tur to twitter.

i think Nick way smarter than we anticipated, seeing photo's of Boston and Top and immediately deciding to look into it instead of giving Boston the benefit of the doubt showing that while he definitely likes Boston he also isn't delusional, him bugging the car while crazy and invasive is also pure genius.

while i know Nicks going to use the video to try and get Boston to date him part of me doesn't want him to, i want him to either use it to get Boston to come clean or show it to Mew because he deserves to know.

Mew: the more episodes i watch the more i begin to doubt the whole 'Mew the master manipulator' thing.

i was expecting him to be completely sober when he shut the door but he wasn't.

i think Mew is to Ray what Cheum is to him, his biggest supporter, the way he hypes way up to talk to Sand shows how much he cares, i think the photos are completely out of context.

i personally think the reason we want Mew to be a bad person is because it softens the blow of all the shit that's going to happen to him, it's a lot easier to watch someone suffer when we think they deserve it.

Top: I WAS ROOTING FOR YOU, WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU HOW DARE YOU.

no but for real Top got on my nerves this episode, is he allergic to communication or something.?

him seeing a photo from two years ago and using it as a reason to cheat is crazy because what supposedly happened between Mew and Ray TWO YEARS AGO none of your business but also it's a picture of them kissing that doesn't prove Boston's point Mew said he's a virgin not that he's never kissed anyone.

it's mental that he thinks a 'kiss' between two friends TWO YEARS prior to their relationship as a justification for cheating on him in present day.

Ray: i think it's interesting that the only way Boston's plan worked was by implying Mew was in danger of getting hurt which leads me to believe that Ray's love for Mew is entirely selfless. while i think Ray will always love Mew i also think he's falling out of love with him.

i understand why Ray dropped everything to pick up Mew because Mew is locked out on his own drunk (we know he doesn't drink.)

Ray's issues being handled with a surprising amount of seriousness (i.e being told to see a shrink, someone saying he spends more time at the bar than college) it's refreshing to see.

Sand: while i completely get why sand decides to not sleep with Ray because he's afraid of growing attached but in my opinion he's shot himself in the foot because they're gonna keep hanging out and he's gonna fall for ray's personality which is a lot harder to explain away.

yeah today's episode was mad, this is definitely going to be a weekly thing.

#only friends the series #ray only friends #sand only friends #mew only friends #top only friends #nick only friends #boston only friends

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streamsofstardust · 9 months

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safe & sound | d.r.w x s.f.k

danny wagner x sam kiszka

word count: 8,315

content warnings: descriptions of violence, detailed descriptions of murder as a means to survive, severe depression, nightmares, danny is Not Okay, self isolation, attempt at suicide, sam has the biggest heart, tons of angst…. like so much angst and sadness, sam is reactive and hot headed but he feels bad about it, happy gay endings

summary: 5 years after the winning the hunger games, danny has moved on to a new life, one where he gets the creative freedom to create music in a band with sam, jake, and josh. but for danny, being outside the arena doesn't mean the fight is over.

a/n: so this came from a concept karou lovingly shared with me recently. we're both obsessed with it and i had so many ideas popping into my head when we talked about it that i decided to write something to go along with a specific part. I'm kind of in love with it and it might be in my top five favorite fics that i've written

that said, this fic is genuinely one of the saddest, most intense things i've ever written and i cannot stress this enough but if you're not comfortable with depictions of suicidal ideation or suicide attempts, PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS.

Moving into a shared residence in the Capitol was moderately unsettling. Most of the people Danny encountered only saw him as the unlikely and unexpected champion. He didn’t feel like he’d won anything, sometimes even wishing he hadn’t made it so far. But there he was, in a new home with new people who only vaguely knew of what he’d gone through. The Kiszkas had spent an eternity together, one never knowing life without the other two by his side.

They hadn't been thrown into the Games.

They didn't have blood on their hands.

If Danny was closed off, more reserved, and quieter than the other three, it was because he no longer had a proper sense of how to just exist. He no longer knew how to truly interact with other people; he hadn’t for a few years now. It turned out murdering five people while they were unable to defend themselves had that effect. He tried to be normal, tried his hardest to go back to the fun, extroverted man he was before the Games. This proved to be extremely challenging.

Danny hoped one day someone would be able to bring him back to the world of the living. That one day someone would hear his story and understand he had no choice. That they wouldn't praise him for being a victor, but rather console him for what he had to do to get there. That they’d understand how hollow he’d become.

He hoped one day someone would be the reason his smile wasn't forced or fake. The reason he could feel whole again.

Most nights, Danny never tried to fall asleep. Sleep meant subconscious thoughts would come to the surface, visions of the horrible things he endured, the horrible things he did. He protected himself in that arena, saved his own life during the Games, but at what cost? He hadn't known peace since the night he left home.

When he sleeps he dreams and when he dreams, the nightmares replay. He’ll never forget it: the feel, the smell - metallic and horrendously pungent - of blood on his hands. How the warm, red liquid seeped into his clothing, trailed down his arms, splattered on his face. He had sat in the carnage for longer than he wanted to. While his brain had told him to run, to flee as fast as he could, his body was immobile. And so, the image of the bodies, the lives he took, resided permanently in his tortured mind. Danny saw it as instantaneous karma, as if the world was saying “you committed this atrocity, and now you’ll suffer the consequences.”

None of this had been shared with his new cohorts. Bandmates. Brothers.

– –

A long day of band practice left Danny feeling drained, more so than usual. He loved playing and he enjoyed every minute he spent with the Kiszkas, but still, he was tired and ready to retreat to his bedroom - to solitude - for another night of restless sleep plagued by never ending loops of nightmares. Ones he could never truly wake up from because he’d actually lived through them.

The Kiszkas rarely questioned why he constantly rejected their offers to hang out after practice. It wasn’t personal, he’d made that abundantly clear, but despite five years having passed, he still wasn’t comfortable letting his guard completely down. He was in the band out of obligation. Not that he would give up the opportunity, the freedom creating art gave him, but it wasn’t as though he’d volunteered to be thrust into the spotlight. He was thankful his drum kit remained at the back of the stage, out of direct light, furthest away from any crowd they performed for.

So, as he typically did, Danny went to his room and shut the door, not bothering to turn on any lights. He stripped out of his clothing, save for his boxer briefs, and climbed into bed. He still hadn’t gotten used to the comfort of it. How lavish it was compared to what he grew up with. There were many things he wasn’t sure he’d ever get used to. Every day that passed was one he had to force himself not to fear.

It wasn’t particularly late, maybe around 11:30 at night, and he knew the others would likely be awake until 2:00 am at the very least. Even then, they’d be asleep before Danny. Tonight, though, he felt especially tired. As he crawled under his comforter, he found himself repeating the same motions he did every night: reminding himself of the times before the arena.

He recalled sitting by the fire with his father, listening to him recount stories of brave warriors who saved lives and slayed monstrous beasts. He thought of his sister, how they’d run around as children catching fireflies and picking flowers to decorate their house. And he thought of his mother and her sweet smile that lit up every room she walked into. He thought of the times he and his sister would help their mother cook meals, taking notes for each recipe to one day do the same with their own children. He thought of nights where the four of them would gather in the living room, staying warm by the fire and just enjoying each other's company.

Slowly, he felt the calm wash over him and his body gave into the slumber it so badly desired.

Then, against his will, he was struck with the cruel reminder of how the three most important people in his life were mercilessly slaughtered for protesting Danny being selected to represent their district in the Games. He gasped as his eyes shot open, trying his hardest to catch his breath and calm his furiously beating heart. A stray tear fell from his right eye, the salty water feeling like fire on his skin. He quickly wiped it away, sniffling and shaking his head before closing his eyes.

That was another piece of information the Kiszkas didn’t know. Another look into his troubled mind and traumatized existence that he kept to himself.

Once more, he tried to calm himself down, and eventually he was able to fall asleep. It was peaceful for a moment, no dreams whatsoever, and that rarely happened. Of course, though, it didn’t last - it never did.

Suddenly he found himself back in the arena, just barely 16, wide eyed and nervous, having no idea how he’d possibly survive. His training scores were embarrassing, but he was tall, naturally muscular, and incredibly broad. His facial features had him standing apart from the others in a way that brought him more attention than he’d ever experienced before, and then it didn’t matter how poor his scores were; the public adored him, dubbing him their favored gentle giant.

It was that persona that allowed him to fly under the radar when the Games began. He hadn’t made any attempts at finding allies, instead focusing on merely staying alive as long as he possibly could. On the seventh night, he began noticing a distinct flower appearing around the arena- henbane. A beautiful and deceiving plant that had killed off several of his family’s livestock. He backed away from the plants, having no desire to fall victim to its effects.

He found a place to hide and looked around at his opponents. At that point there were only five others left, and they’d gotten far because of their alliances. He watched the tributes huddle together in an open space not too far away from him, staring in wonder as they fell into states of delirium and hallucinations from the henbane that surrounded them, eventually passing out on the ground.

Danny was familiar with the deep state of unconsciousness henbane caused. He knew there was little that would wake them up, and most, if not all of them, would fall into comas they’d never wake up from. It was too easy to take advantage of, so he did.

He quietly stalked over to the group, careful to avoid the poisonous plant, and reached for a dagger that had fallen from the hand of a tribute from District 2. The metal felt heavy in his hand, but the knowledge of what he had to do with the weapon weighed heavier on his mind. Back home, he’d helped his father kill cattle, but that was a necessity - a means to survive.

Then again, he figured this, too, would be a necessity. Without giving himself another moment to reconsider his choice, he walked up to each of the sleeping tributes and slit their throats with the stolen dagger. Blood sprayed everywhere, covering his hands, his clothes, his face.

When he was done, and all five tributes were dead, Danny stood up and looked at bodies below him. He was shaking, barely able to catch a breath, and he felt tremendously dizzy. All he could smell was blood, and he felt sick. He wasn’t sure how much time passed while he stood there, completely immobile. In the distant parts of his brain, parts that were still able to process his surroundings, he heard the Canon go off. Each boom signifying the death of a tribute.

He had won. It was over.

But like it did most nights, the dream restarted, eventually only replaying the moment the blade in Danny’s hand sliced through the still warm flesh of those five tributes. It was too much, too much, too violent, too real too real too real too-

“DANNY!”

His eyes shot open, adjusting to the darkness of the room and witnessing Sam’s terrified face.

He wasn’t able to respond yet, his brain still replaying scenes from the Games. His mouth was dry and his eyes were frantically moving around the room as he attempted to ground himself with familiar sights.

Sam was hovering over him, one of his hands gripping Danny’s right upper arm. His entire body felt overheated, but somehow, the warmth of Sam’s hand felt different. A completely separate warmth.

“Sam? What are you - How did you get in my room? Why are you here?” He didn’t mean to come off sounding so harsh; Sam certainly didn’t deserve any attitude from him.

“I woke up to the sound of you screaming. I didn’t even realize it was you at first, but when I did I rushed over. Your door wasn’t locked so I- I came in and,” His words trailed off as he took in Danny’s appearance. His curls were a mess around his head, the bags under his eyes were incredibly prominent, and there were beads of sweat slowly dripping down Danny’s tanned, bare torso. He stopped himself from looking at that part of his friend any longer; he needed to focus.

“Dan, you were thrashing around like a fish out of water, screaming bloody murder.”

Danny physically recoiled at Sam’s words. He had no idea how accurate they were, but Danny wasn’t about to tell him.

“I’m fine, Sam. Go back to your room.” Danny turned away from him, grabbing his blankets and pulling them up to cover his upper body, despite feeling like he was about to melt from the heat.

“You’re clearly not fine. You know this isn’t the first time I’ve heard you, right? The twins might be too far away in their rooms, but I’m right next to you, and I’m not deaf. I know you don’t want to tell us about what happened, you know, back- back then, and you don’t have to, but at least let me be there for you.”

Sam still hadn’t moved from Danny’s bed, and he had no intention of doing so anytime soon. He cared about the drummer more than he could put into words, and had for as long as he’d known him. And sure, maybe they’d only personally known each other for about a year, but Sam knew he was something special when he found out Danny won the Games. Admiration quickly turned into adoration, and feelings he wasn’t familiar with blossomed too fast for him to take a second to question them. The twins knew how Sam felt, but Danny didn’t, and given what could be at risk if the truth came out, they kept that information to themselves. They’d made that same decision when Josh had come out to him and Jake years prior.

So no, Danny wasn’t fine, and no, Sam wasn’t going to leave him alone. He had too much love in his heart to walk away from someone he cared so deeply for. He still hadn’t received a response from Danny, and he nudged him, hoping to get his attention. When that accomplished nothing, his first thought was Danny had somehow fallen asleep again. He then realized he knew better, him and the twins being well aware of how little sleep their drummer got on a nightly basis, so instead, he mustered all the strength he had and rolled Danny onto his back.

Danny’s eyes stayed closed, but Sam watched as tears trailed down his face, into his unruly curls. He reached forward, softly wiping away the tears and cradling Danny’s left cheek in his hand. It was that touch that prompted Danny to finally open his eyes, and when he did, Sam felt his heart shatter.

“Oh, Dan…” Sam whispered. He felt tears of his own forming in his eyes, not able to help the reaction he had to seeing his friend in such a state.

“I don’t want to talk about it Sam, I can’t- I-” Danny found it hard to fully put into words what he wanted to say, stuttering over each one that managed to spill out of his mouth.

“It’s okay, you don’t have to. You don’t have to tell me anything, okay? I’m not going to push, Dan, I promise. If you want to be alone, I can g-”

“Wait!” Danny’s hand wrapped around Sam’s wrist as the bassist moved to stand up. “N- no. I-” He couldn’t bring himself to ask the question lingering on his mind, only letting out a soft “please?”

Danny looked up at Sam through his long, dark lashes. He’d stopped crying, but the red hue surrounding his hazel irises burned. He dropped his head and rubbed his eyes with his free hand, the other still firmly holding onto Sam.

When Sam looked at where Danny held him, his chest constricted. He didn’t need to ask Sam to stay, he would’ve made that decision on his own unless Danny explicitly demanded he leave. But in his own way, Danny did ask. Sam understood what that one word meant. He nodded, sitting back down on the bed before laying fully on top of the blankets. He didn’t want to risk Danny being uncomfortable when both of them were barely dressed.

Danny, however, wasn’t ready to settle for that.

“Sam?” He called out, his voice hardly above a whisper.

“Yeah?”

“I know this might sound weird, but can you… can you hold me? You can say no, it’s fine if you do I wouldn’t blame you, but I just feel like I need-”

“Daniel, calm down. It’s not weird, come here.”

Sam fully expected Danny to turn his back to him, letting the bassist’s chest press against the soft skin, but he didn’t. He faced Sam, looking up at him for a brief moment before curling into his chest, one of his arms wrapping around Sam’s slim torso as he breathed in the familiar scent that was so unmistakably Sam Kiszka. Sam wrapped his arms fully around Danny, one of his hands coming up to cradle his head and gently play with his hair.

“Try to go back to sleep, Dan. I’m not going anywhere.” Sam spoke softly, fighting the urge to place a kiss to the top of Danny’s head. The drummer nodded in lieu of a verbal response, his arm pulling Sam even closer to his body.

– –

When they woke up, Sam noticed a few things. The first being that he was no longer holding Danny. At some point in the night, they’d switched positions, and now Danny’s muscular arms were wrapped around Sam’s body as they spooned. The second thing he noticed was that he was under the blankets, something he had no recollection of doing before he fell asleep. And while that wasn’t very alarming to him, what was was the fact that his bare body - save for a pair of shorts that could arguably be deemed too short - was pressed entirely against Danny’s bare body. Not only was every inch of them touching, their legs were tangled together, another thing Sam had no memory of happening.

He smiled, his heart fluttering in his half awake state.

Danny was still asleep, and when Sam looked over at the clock, he saw just how late in the day it was. He’d gone into Danny’s room around 2 am, and now it was the afternoon. Danny had slept for ten straight hours, and Sam couldn’t help but feel rather proud of himself for being the reason why.

At least, he assumed he was the reason. He didn’t let himself think too far into that one.

As much as he wanted to let Danny sleep more, he knew they had practice in a few hours, and Danny would definitely want to shower off the sweat that coated his body. He did, however, give himself a few more minutes to enjoy the feeling of Danny’s body encasing his own before waking him up.

– –

Practice ran smoothly, as it typically did. Josh had presented a few new songs, and all of the guys loved the lyrics. He had a way with words that Danny envied and a power to tell stories like no other. Sometimes Danny wondered if he could take his past and put it to music, but then he’d be opening himself up in ways he never had, and that terrified him. For the time being, he decided to stick to keeping it all to himself.

Neither Danny nor Sam had talked about the night they spent together, especially ignoring the subject of how they woke up. Danny was a bit surprised to find out how long he’d slept, as well as by the position the two had ended up in at some point in their parallel unconsciousness. Yet, at the same time, he wasn’t. He’d always found Sam to be comforting, and he gravitated towards that feeling, chasing it as quickly as he ran from the demons that haunted his mind.

Danny figured if Sam was bothered by it, he would’ve said something, and he probably would’ve removed himself from Danny’s grip, but he didn’t. That fact made Danny’s heart race, wondering if Sam had picked up on the feelings Danny had for him that he’d tried his hardest to keep hidden. He wondered, too, if Sam could possibly feel the same, but he wasn’t in the business of allowing his hopes to get too high.

Jake’s voice snapped him out of his train of thought.

“Hey Danny, do you wanna help me with these riffs?”

– –

That night, he gave in to the Kiszka’s persistent begging to join them for a few drinks in the living room. They all seemed shocked that he agreed to stay and hang out with them for once, and he didn’t miss the smile on Sam’s face upon hearing Danny say “okay.”

The more they drank, the more Danny felt himself loosen up. He’d taken one side of a couch, letting Sam drape his long legs over his lap without thinking twice. It was actually nice, spending time with the Kiszkas. So nice, in fact, that for a moment he felt guilty for not doing it more often.

Apparently nothing killed a nice buzz quite like overwhelming guilt.

“I think I’m gonna head upstairs, get some sleep. Thanks for tonight, guys.” Danny spoke as he lifted Sam’s legs before placing them back down on the couch. Understanding how little socializing Danny regularly partook in, no one pushed him to stay longer, all three brothers being thankful he stayed as long as he had.

Sam looked up at him with a questioning glance, one Danny wasn’t able to decipher the meaning of, so he didn’t try harder to. He figured the alcohol would help him fall asleep, and as tempting as it was to drink himself into oblivion and pass out face down on his mattress, he opted against that idea. He’d tried that a few times in the past; it never made him feel any better and it did nothing to keep the nightmares away. So really, there was no point.

It was a bit colder than usual that evening, so Danny threw on a pair of soft flannel pajama pants - still leaving his torso bare - and crawled into bed, his head feeling just the slightest bit fuzzy from the drinks he’d consumed.

For a moment, he allowed himself to think back to the prior night, specifically Sam in his bed. It was the first time they’d intentionally shared a bed, and while it could’ve been awkward, it just felt… right. Part of him wanted to ask Sam to sleep with him, but perhaps that was pushing it. He still had no idea how Sam felt about everything. About him.

Eventually he was able to fall asleep, though, as expected, it didn’t last. Once again he was tormented by his memories on a loop, and once again, he was woken up by Sam shaking him.

“Dan…” Sam sounded just as out of breath as Danny was.

“Was I screaming again?” His voice cracked ever so slightly as he spoke, already knowing the answer to his question.

Sam simply nodded, trying his hardest to hold back his own emotions. He wanted so badly for Danny to tell him what was causing the nightmares. While he knew it was related to Danny’s time in the arena, he had a feeling there was so much more to it, and even though he knew he could look up the answers for himself, he refused to. If Danny wasn’t going to openly share the information, Sam wasn’t going to go behind his back to find it. He had way too much respect for his friend.

Danny’s hands wiped over his own face, pushing his curls away from where they’d plastered to his skin from sweating so much.

“Sam, can you-”

“Of course. You don’t have to ask.”

Sam crawled into bed with Danny, this time intentionally laying under the blankets. He stayed on his back, and as Danny curled into him, Sam stared at the ceiling, his own thoughts racing. He felt Danny shiver, but his body was warm. A single tear fell from Danny’s eye onto Sam’s chest and he pulled Danny closer into his body.

“I’m sorry Sam.”

Sam took a deep breath, not out of annoyance, but because he was frustrated. Frustrated that someone he cared about was struggling, and there was little he could do outside of holding him. He hoped it was enough, at least for now.

“Get some sleep, Danny. I’m right here.”

– –

The same thing happened every night for the next two weeks.

Danny didn’t understand why his nightmares kept getting worse, more persistent. He didn’t understand why nothing kept them away. And he didn’t understand why Sam’s presence was the only thing that relaxed him enough to sleep through the rest of the night.

After a few days, Sam stopped going to his room to sleep. He assumed he’d end up in Danny’s room anyway, so that’s where he started. If the circumstances were different, he might appreciate it a bit more, having Danny wrapped around him and vice versa - which was how they always woke up.

The twins caught Sam and Danny walking out of the latter’s room one morning and while Danny was rubbing sleep from his eyes, Jake and Josh gave Sam questioning looks. Sam said nothing, he just shook his head as a clear nonverbal response he knew his brother’s would understand: Don’t ask.

During that two week period, there were only two nights that Danny didn’t wake up screaming in a cold sweat, though they weren’t consecutive. His nightmares still attacked his unconscious mind, but for those two days, he’d wake up startled rather than terrified to his core. He knew it wasn’t an indication that things were getting better, that would be much too naive of a thought. Danny knew the severity of nightmares would inevitably return, and he was proven right when they did.

There were nights where he tried to stay up as late as possible to avoid sleeping at all, something Sam quickly caught onto and gently reprimanded him for. Everyone could see how tired Danny was, how detached from reality he was. It had gotten to the point where it was impacting his ability to play. He missed cues, played the wrong notes, or sometimes forgot what to play all together.

Jake had gotten annoyed for the slightest moment, but immediately backed off when he saw the state Danny was in. Sam was thankful Jake was relatively perceptive. If his older brother hadn’t stopped, he was positive he would’ve jumped over Josh to strangle Jake with the cord plugged into his bass.

Danny felt the shift in himself, too. He recognized things were getting worse for him mentally, and though he was aware he could’ve asked for help, he didn’t. It wasn’t like him to open up that much, not even to Sam. The rational part of his brain told him he was making a mistake, that nothing would get better unless he finally talked to someone about what was troubling him. But then he felt like all his confession would do was burden the Kiszkas, and he couldn’t let that happen.

But he was tired. So incredibly, painfully tired, in more ways than one, and it had gotten to the point where he could no longer handle it. He just wanted it all to stop. He missed his family, his life before the Games. He missed feeling normal. And as much as he enjoyed Sam’s nightly company in his bed - perhaps a bit more than he wanted to admit - he hated that he’d become moderately dependent on it.

If he was honest, he was ready for all of it to end. He knew it was dramatic, he knew he would hurt people, but what about the hurt he felt? He couldn’t take it anymore. It had to stop.

– –

That night as Sam crawled into bed with Danny, he noticed his friend was fully dressed for once, not an inch of bare skin to be found. He frowned a bit at that, having gotten used to feeling Danny’s warm skin pressed against his own, but he chose not to speak on it. He also noticed how silent and closed off Danny had been. Even when he was quiet when the four of them were together, he at least spoke a bit more the moment the two of them were alone. He was tired, that’s all it was. Sam tried to push away the idea that Danny was sick of him being there; that he wasn’t pulling away despite how much it felt like he was.

Then there was another difference.

“Hey Sam?”

“Hmm?”

Danny rubbed the back of his neck, a nervous tick of his that Sam had picked up on. He was struggling to look at Sam as he spoke, and his words sounded quieter than usual.

“You know how we- when we fall asleep, you’re the one holding me?” Sam nodded, waiting for him to continue. “Can we- can I- just this once-”

Sam smiled at his friend, knowing exactly what Danny was trying and struggling to say. “You want to hold me, Dan? Wanna be the big spoon this time?”

Danny could tell Sam was making an effort to lighten his spirits. He appreciated it, but it was making everything that much harder. He forced himself to crack the smallest smile. Sam had told him in the past he loved Danny’s crooked smile, and he thought about that compliment daily.

“Yeah, if that’s okay.”

“Of course it’s okay. Come on over, I’m a bit chilly and you’re basically the human equivalent of a space heater.” Sam joked.

Danny waited for Sam to shuffle closer to him before wrapping his arms around him and holding him as tight as he could. He wouldn’t be able to do this again if he followed his impulses.

“Woah! You know I’m not gonna run away, right?” Sam was taken aback by the grip Danny had on his body, but had no intention of moving. He thought about turning around to tell Danny exactly how he felt about him, but with the hold Danny had, it was impossible to move.

Danny ignored the joke his friend made, burying his face into Sam’s long, chestnut locks. He breathed in the scent that he’d gotten so used to, the scent that was so unequivocally Sam, the one that brought him the faintest sense of peace. He thought back to the first night Sam came to wake him up, to protect him from the things only Danny could see - he still hadn’t asked Danny to explain what caused his nightmares. Danny thought about how quick Sam was to be there for him no matter what. He thought about how often he’d catch Sam staring at him with nothing but love and adoration in his eyes, though at first he was convinced he was imagining it.

He thought about how much he loved Sam, the boy who had so rapidly gone from a stranger to his best friend.

He wanted to tell Sam exactly what was on his mind, at least when it came to his feelings, and even though he knew it would be his one and only chance to do it, he was too afraid. He squeezed Sam closer to him and hoped it would be enough.

“Goodnight, Sammy.” Danny spoke into Sam’s hair.

The bassist sighed tiredly, already being in the middle between sleep and consciousness.

“G’night Dan.” His words were slurred as they fell from his plump lips. “Love you.”

Danny’s eyes widened at his friend’s confession. Sam… loved him? No, he- as a friend, that’s all. Sam didn’t know major parts of who Danny was. He couldn’t actually… no. No way.

He could feel Sam’s breath even out, this being one of the rare times he fell asleep before Danny. The drummer was thankful for that; it gave him an opportunity to appreciate Sam as much as he wanted. He’d miss him the most. He’d miss all the guys, but Sam… Sam would always be special.

After an hour of holding Sam, slowly trailing one of his hands up and down the smooth skin of Sam’s arm, Danny felt himself falling asleep. He so badly wanted to avoid it, to force himself to stay awake, but it was impossible. Even on nights where he didn’t wake up screaming, he still woke up from nightmares, and sometimes that movement didn’t wake Sam. This was one of those nights.

Against his will, Danny fell asleep. He wasn’t unconscious for long, maybe under an hour, but his nightmares once again wormed their way into his mind, and he woke suddenly with a gasp, struggling to take a breath. Instead of being scared, he was frustrated. He was so sick of being unable to sleep, unable to function the way Sam, Jake, and Josh did. He was officially done suffering.

Danny was still holding Sam, who was sound asleep. He carefully maneuvered his body away from Sam’s, trying his hardest to make sure he didn’t wake up. When he was successful, he stood up and walked around to the other side of the bed to face Sam.

He knelt down, letting himself remember every detail of Sam’s face: His soft, plush lips, his smooth skin, the two small freckles on his left cheek. He brought one of his hands forward, gently lifting away a collection of stray hairs that had fallen over Sam’s face. Danny always believed Sam to be effortlessly beautiful. It was the first thing he noticed when they met, and that belief hadn’t changed.

Tears formed in his eyes, threatening to spill over. He gently played with Sam’s hair, forcing himself to remember how soft it felt threading through his fingers. The longer he stared at his friend, the harder it was to keep the tears from flowing, and so they fell freely down Danny’s own freckled cheeks.

He stood up, placing one single, lingering kiss on Sam’s forehead. He whispered as quietly as he could.

“I love you too. I’m sorry, Sammy. I’m so, so sorry.”

Danny walked out of his room and into the bathroom down the hall, not bothering to lock the door; Sam was sound asleep, it wasn’t necessary.

He sat on the edge of the bathtub, his head in his hands, and thought about his next move. He hadn’t really given much thought as to how to achieve his goal, and now that it was time, he wasn’t sure what to do. He thought about everything that was kept in the medicine cabinet. There were razors for them all to shave, save for Josh, who had insisted on growing out his facial hair. There was also an abundance of painkillers and sleeping pills, both prescriptions, the former for Jake’s left forearm and the latter, for Danny. He avoided them as much as possible, so the bottle was essentially full.

He took it out and placed the bottle on the counter, staring at it as if it would do something for him on its own. Part of Danny expected that he’d be anxious about taking his own life, that when the time came, he’d be in a complete state of panic, but he wasn’t. He had no more fight left in him.

After filling a glass with water, Danny spilled the pills out of the bottle and into a pile on the granite. Twenty four pills would be more than enough. Once again, he found himself staring at them, hoping he wouldn’t have to be the one to make the final move. But the pills couldn’t do anything if he didn’t consume them, so he swept a quarter of them into the palm of his left hand, his right hand gripping the glass of water, the appendage shaking ever so slightly.

He took a few deep breaths, feeling tears drop from his eyes again. He hadn’t even realized he started crying. Before he continued, he allowed himself to think back to happier times again, just as he did every night before falling asleep. That’s all he was doing - falling asleep.

He thought about his father’s warm hugs, his mother’s smile, his sister’s laugh. He thought about fireflies and cool summer nights with skies full of stars. He thought about spiced tea, crisp apples, and sweet pastries. All of the things he wished he appreciated more while he had the chance.

He thought about Sam.

It was the thought of leaving Sam that had his tears begin streaming down his face, but he forced himself to stay quiet. The last thing he wanted was Sam to wake up and see what he was doing. Slowly, he lifted his hand to drop the pills into his mouth. As he moved the glass of water to his lips, the door to the bathroom opened, and his head whipped in its direction.

“Dan, are you in here? I saw the light and- what the fuck?” Sam had been rubbing his eyes when he walked into the bathroom, not immediately seeing the scene before him. Once he did, he felt more awake than he had in a while, shutting the door behind him and fighting the urge to yell. He looked down and saw the remainder of the pills on the counter, finally putting two and two together, before ripping the glass out of Danny’s hand. “Danny fucking- christ, spit them out, now!”

After a moment of hesitancy, a moment Sam believed to be way too long, the bassist repeated his demand.

“Daniel, I swear if you don’t spit them out I’ll pry them out of your mouth myself.” He sounded angry, he knew that, but he was terrified and appalled and he couldn’t focus on sounding calm. He’d worry about that once he knew Danny was safe.

Danny complied, spitting the six pills into the garbage by his feet. He backed away from the sink and sat back down on the tub’s ledge, refusing to lift his face to see Sam’s face.

The two were silent for a few minutes, Danny not having any idea what to say and Sam having too many thoughts flooding his brain to know which ones to verbalize. Sam started pacing in the enclosed space, his hands tugging at his hair as he worked to form a sentence.

“What were you thinking? When did you even leave your room? You waited until I was asleep? You fucking- what, you were just going to kill yourself while I slept soundly in your bed? That was your plan? God, Danny what the fuck?!” He took a breath before continuing. “Is that why you wanted to hold me tonight? Is that why you were holding me so god damn tight? Because you thought it would be the last time you’d be able to? And what, you figured at some point I’d just find you lying cold on the bathroom floor? Or that Jake or Josh would? That’s why you were wearing actual pajamas tonight, isn’t it? Don’t answer that. Don’t fucking answer any of that, just… Danny what the fuck?”

At some point, Sam had started crying too, but Danny still hadn’t lifted his head to look at his friend, his own tears falling into his lap. Sam continued talking.

“You called me Sammy. You never call me that I- I should’ve known something was wrong. I should’ve-”

Danny figured it was the right time to speak up, not wanting Sam to start blaming himself for anything.

“Sam, I’m sorry. I didn’t -”

“You’re sorry? You’re sorry?!” Danny could see the rage in his friend’s eyes. “You were just going to leave me like that? Leave all of us? I know things have been hard for you and I get it but-”

“No you don’t!” Danny’s voice was raised, louder than he wanted it to be. “You have no idea what I’ve dealt with, no idea what I went through, what I’ve been going through for the past five years. You have no fucking idea how hard it is.”

“Because you don’t tell me anything! You never want to talk about it and I never push you because while I don’t know the details, I know it must have been horrific, and the last thing I wanted was to force you to relive any of that. But I can’t fucking help you the way you need to be helped if you won’t let me in.”

Danny scoffed and crossed his arms over his chest defensively. “I don’t need your help, Sam.”

Sam’s eyes nearly bulged out of his head and Danny’s words. “Really? You don’t need my help? Look at where keeping everything bottled up got you, Daniel. You were trying to kill yourself. You were… oh my god.” Sam fell to his knees and buried his face in his hands as he sobbed. “You were going to leave me. You- you can’t leave me Dan, you can’t just-”

Danny moved to kneel in front of his friend, quickly pulling him into his arms. Sam was right, Danny couldn’t leave him. Hearing Sam’s cracking voice snapped him out of whatever trance had brought him to that bathroom in the first place. All he could do was apologize over and over, hoping that Sam would believe him.

The two cried while holding each other, both shocked that the twins hadn’t heard any of the commotion. Sam thought about telling Danny the rest of what he was thinking, about how he loved him. Danny was considering the same thing, but neither of them spoke. After a while, Danny pulled away and stood up, reaching down for Sam to grab his hand.

“Let’s go.”

Sam wiped his face and looked up, grabbing Danny’s hand and standing along with him. “Where?”

Danny opened the door and turned the bathroom light off, walking into the hallway with a tight grip on Sam’s right hand. “Back to my room. Back to bed.”

– –

Neither of them spoke as they entered Danny’s room, nor as they got into bed. Danny knew he had a lot of explaining to do, but he also knew Sam likely wouldn’t push him to start talking. He appreciated that fact, feeling as though he at least needed one night before spilling all of his secrets. Rather than stay in his pajamas, Danny stripped down like he normally would, his body feeling much too hot from the anxiety and adrenaline coursing through his veins. There was also the fact that he desperately craved the comfort of having Sam’s bare skin against his own.

But he didn’t wrap his arms back around Sam, choosing instead to wait for his friend to make the first move. He didn’t know if Sam wanted space or if he’d shove Danny off of him out of frustration the second he was holding him. Sam did, in fact, make the first move, and faster than Danny expected. He threw himself onto Danny, burying his face in the space between Danny’s neck and shoulder while his long arms wrapped around the drummer’s upper body. His legs once again found themselves tangled with Danny’s, and he did what he could to ensure all of his body was touching all of Danny’s.

It was his attempt at being as close as humanly possible. His own way of comforting himself and ensuring Danny was there; that he was still warm and breathing.

“Dan, I’m not gonna ask you to go into detail about everything, you know, that prompted you to do… that. But I just want to know why. What made that become the most desirable option for you?” Sam felt like he was skating on the thinnest ice imaginable as he spoke. He didn’t want to risk saying something that would set Danny off or make him spiral, but he needed an answer.

He felt Danny take a deep breath, his chest rising from under Sam’s hold.

“I was tired, Sam. I am tired. Always so fucking tired. I can’t focus, can’t relax, can’t do anything and I couldn’t keep living like that. So I just… decided I wouldn’t anymore. All of the shit in my head, the memories… fuck, Sam, the things that I did. It’s impossible to deal with. I know it’s stupid and I know you’re probably mad at me and I really am sorry.”

Danny didn’t want to cry again, he wasn’t even sure he had anymore tears left to cry, but he could feel his chest constricting as if he was about to. That was another thing he was tired of - crying.

“Danny, I’m not mad. I mean, I was at first I think, but more than anything I was just scared. I didn’t - I don’t - want to lose you. I don’t think my heart could take a loss like that.” Sam shut his eyes, taking a breath of his own to relax his mind before speaking again, scared but ready to confess. “I love you too much to survive losing you. The second I realized what was going on I swear I felt my heart shatter. Just the very idea that you’d even consider… Danny, it wouldn’t have fixed anything. Maybe the nightmares would stop for you, but what about me? The twins? The hole you’d leave if you…” He shook his head, not wanting to utter the remaining words of that thought. “No one could ever fill that space, Dan. Not in the house, not in the band, not in my heart. You need to understand that.”

If Danny was shocked by what Sam said, he did his best to not make it obvious. He liked to imagine at times that maybe his feelings for Sam weren’t one sided, but with no strength to actually tell him, he figured he’d never find out the truth. But Sam loved him. Sam loved him. He said the words clear as day, and for the first time in a long time, Danny felt a twinge of happiness. He shifted his body, nudging Sam to sit up with him.

Before he could respond, Sam spoke again.

“Please don’t freak out over what I just said. I know maybe it’s crazy and I know you’re going to say I don’t know you well enough to love you, but I do-”

“Sam.”

“I do love you. And it’s not pity or some overreaction to what I just saw, so don’t say that either because I know you would-”

“Sam.”

“I can’t help it okay, I love you and I’ve been dying to tell you for so long and if you don’t feel the same it’s fine, okay, I’ll get over it but-”

Danny couldn’t help but roll his eyes and grab Sam’s face with both of his hands, surging forward to kiss him with everything he had. It wasn’t like the movies, where fireworks go off and everything is right in the world - because truly, most things in Danny’s life were not right - but it was still perfect.

Once Sam moved beyond the initial shock of Danny’s lips capturing his own, he kissed him back, both of them pouring every emotion into the action. The hand that Sam wasn’t leaning on for balance moved up to hold Danny’s bare hip, the skin feeling warm to the touch. Despite how often the two had cuddled, Danny still shivered at the feeling of Sam’s hand on his body.

When they realized they no longer had enough air to continue kissing, they pulled away, one of Danny’s hands remaining on Sam’s cheek, softly rubbing his thumb over those two freckles he never thought he’d see again. Sam’s eyes were wide, as if he was scared that the second he spoke, the bubble would burst and he’d wake up, that everything that was said and done would be a dream. But it wasn’t, and he saw that Danny was staring at him with the same love and adoration Sam had looked at him with.

Sam opened his mouth to speak, Danny’s name coming out in a hushed squeak. The drummer shook his head. He had too much to say.

“It’s not crazy. You’re not crazy. I didn’t know you felt like that about me. I thought… I thought you might, but I think I convinced myself I was imagining it, that I wasn’t deserving of it. But it’s not one sided, I promise.”

Sam’s mouth felt dry. He repeated Danny’s words in his head five times, ten times, just to make sure he truly heard him correctly.

“So you-”

“I love you too, Sammy.”

Sam smiled, a real, genuine smile that reached his eyes. But then his brain focused on everything that had occurred that evening and he was confused, hurt. A frown took over his face and his lips quivered as though he might cry again.

“If you loved me, why were you about to leave me? Why would you- you weren’t even going to tell me?”

It was a valid question, but if Danny was being technical, he had told Sam.

“When I realized you were asleep, I did tell you. You muttered it when you were barely conscious, I didn’t even know if you realized you said it, and it was just loud enough for me to hear. I would’ve said it back right then and there but with what I was about to do, it didn’t seem fair to tell you how I felt and then break your heart.” His head hung between the two of them, the realization that he still would’ve broken Sam’s heart anyway hitting him once he finished speaking.

The room was completely silent for a few minutes, both of them processing everything that had been said, everything that had been done. Danny knew he’d have to rip the bandaid off and finally explain to Sam - and the twins - all of the information he’d been withholding, and he knew Sam wouldn’t rest until he did. But that wouldn’t happen tonight, and yet again, Danny found himself thankful for Sam’s ability to let him do things at his own speed.

“I think we should go to sleep.” Danny nodded at Sam’s suggestion. “But before we do,” Sam leaned forward, pressing his lips against Danny’s again. He’d never get tired of the way his stomach flipped at something as simple as kissing his best friend. “Please don’t let things get to that point again, Dan. I need you to talk to me about everything. Promise me you’re not going anywhere.”

“I’m not going anywhere, Sammy. I promise.”

Sam smiled and moved to hug Danny, the drummer’s arms wrapping around his friend’s slimmer body. The two layed back down, tangling their limbs together as they had on previous nights, and with the knowledge that his love for Sam was reciprocated, and the stubborn belief that things had to get better from that point on, Danny finally felt relaxed.

For the first time in five years, Danny felt his broken pieces begin to merge, slowly but surely making him feel whole.

And for the first time in five years, Danny slept through the night, the demons of his past and his nightmares nowhere in sight.

-- --

taglist: @ageofnations @obetrolncocktails @greta-flanveet @doodle417 @mollie-gvf @hoeforstevienicks @infisonicosm @gretasmokerising @joshsindigostreak @jakewhorecore @sparrowofthedawnsworld @teddiie @sammiejane22 @gretavanbitches @skankforjakekiszka @fantazmagorical96 @gretavangroove @stardustgreta @gvfrry @myownparadise96 @richjaaasss @mywaykiszka @cyliegvf @dannywagners-chesthair @gretadanfleet @writingcold @gretavanfleas @stardust-jake @maddie-van-fleet @wingedgardener2000 @gardensgatedaisy @earthlysorrows @lvnterninthenight @gabyvanfleet @gretavanferal @sacredthefran @allieisacrybaby @gold-mines-melting @brinlygvf @captainjtk @alyssawatson2003 @malany-gvf @ageofhearingloss @bizzielisteningtogreta @fallonfatality @indigofallingsky @hyperfixated-gvf @twistedmelodies @the-starcatcher @gretavanfreaky

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sinfulauthorwrites · 5 months

Text

Dream Machine - A Mettaton x Reader Fic

As you lie awake in bed, only able to focus on your worries, your boyfriend Mettaton offers encouragement and help.

So, not so fun fact: while I had this idea rattling around my head for a while, I only got down to writing it while I was in the psych ward 🙃 Though, writing fic by hand in a journal without autocorrect or Grammarly made me feel like one of the OG Star Trek slash shippers in the 60s, which was a really fun feeling! Aside from word choice and a few extra sentences, the typed version remains relatively unchanged from the handwritten one, though I may still share the pics of my journal on Tumblr or Twitter! Also, the title comes from the Steam Powered Giraffe song of the same name!

Rating: General Audiences

Ship: Mettaton EX x GN!Reader

Word Count: 891

Applicable Tags: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Reader Is Not Frisk, Reader Has Anxiety (the anxiety isn't specified, it's more open-ended for the reader to project onto), Self-Worth Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Meditation, Sleep, Crying, Fluff, Established Relationship, Pet Names, POV Second Person, Not Beta Read

You lie awake in bed next to your android boyfriend. He was already powered into sleep mode for the night, as his LED eye displays were dimmed and his tail-like charging cord plugged into the nearby wall. You look at him for a moment before turning to the pink canopy of the bed above you, starting at the shadows in the fabric formed by the lights from outside your shared penthouse apartment. The darkness warped, presenting visual manifestations of the problems keeping you from sleep.

Yes, you knew Mettaton had his worries, but as the Underground’s biggest star now on the surface, he had much more significant concerns compared to yours. Tour dates, filming, recording sessions, the list goes on. Yours are small compared to his. Insignificant. Human. You feel your stress tug your eyelids open, preventing your “beauty rest,” as your boyfriend lovingly called it. As you shift once more and pull the satin sheets closer to you, you hear a familiar boot-up sound and fans whirring to life. Oh shit. Your tossing and turning set off Mettaton’s motion detection, a vestigial feature not yet removed since his purpose was changed.

“D-darling, is something the matter?” The robot’s voice glitches momentarily, his now-illuminated pink eyes looking at you with concern.

“Y-yeah! I must’ve rolled over too far,” you nervously chuckle. “I didn’t mean to wake you, babe. Get some rest, as neither of us wants you low on battery tomorrow.”

Mettaton purses his lips, not taking no for an answer. “Darling, look at me.” His tone sharpens when you curl up tighter with your back facing him. “Look. At. Me.” With a resigned sigh, you turn to face him. “Oh, beautiful,” he sighs, cupping your cheek with his gloved hand, his thumb circling below the dark bags and worry lines underneath your eyes. “How much sleep have you been getting lately?”

You mumble your response, prompting your boyfriend to look at you sternly. “Usually only two hours a night, especially when you’re not here,” you fess up.

You can see the guilt hit your boyfriend, causing you to quickly run your hand through his synthetic hair and reassure him. “It’s not because of you, I promise!”

“But why didn’t you tell me sooner?” Despite being the biggest celebrity of the century, Mettaton still immensely cares for you. You’re his star, his world, his everything. Seeing you suffer makes his SOUL feel like shattering.

You inhale deeply. “I-” you quickly correct yourself. “It just feels all so unimportant compared to you. I mean, you’ve got so much amazing stuff going on right now. And with me, it’s just…” You hesitate momentarily, unsure if you want to continue, until you see Mettaton nod with understanding and compassion. Soon, your words flow out of you, every insecurity and doubt leaving your lips. Tears begin to fall from your eyes, leaving small damp spots on the pillowcase you rested on. Mettaton extends his arm in back of him to pass you a tissue box, the lotion-infused tissues a welcome relief for your sore eyes.

“Did that help you feel better, sweetheart?” You nod, and Mettaton presses a soft kiss to your forehead. “Good. Now, I want you to listen to me very closely.” You nod, and the robot cups your cheeks once more. “You will never, ever be inconsequential to me, darling. You mean so much, not just to me but to everyone around you! Don’t ever feel like you don’t matter, or whatever you’re going through doesn’t matter, either. I care, we care.” He kisses you on the lips this time. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” you murmur back, held tight in his embrace.

After a few moments, Mettaton lets go. “Do you think you’ll be able to sleep now, darling?”

You let out another breathy, anxious chuckle. “Probably not, to be honest. It’s alright, though. I’ll make it up tomorrow during the day.”

“There has to be something we can do, sweetheart.” Mettaton’s pupils shift from his usual hearts into turning gears before changing to a lightbulb emoticon. “Hey! It’s not technically released yet, but Blooky and Alphys were working on music to benefit monsters and humans!” He shoots you one of his signature grins. “Co-produced by yours truly, of course!” Mettaton finds the demo CD in the nightstand drawer, preparing to play it from his speakers. “How would you like to be our first test subject?” His eyes sparkle with encouragement, and you just can’t say no to him.

The robot pats the bed, motioning for you to lie down. He loads the CD into one of the slots built into his EX form, his other hand drifting down to hold yours. The ambient tones soon lull you into a reverie, with the faint sounds of rushing water mixed into the track. It’s an obvious callback to the family of ghostly cousins’ original abode, but it soothes your mind as your anxieties flow away. As you close your eyes, you feel the sensation of the water surrounding you, floating through space and time and easing your body and mind. Mettaton’s hand is a tether to the physical world, keeping you grounded as your mind drifts away peacefully. Although they were once wide and bloodshot, your eyes become heavy and worn as you finally sail away into a restful sleep.

Liked this and want more? Check out my AO3 here!

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fenny-self-ships · 6 months

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Hiiiiiiiii

Idk if you’re comfortable with hurt/comfort, but if you are I got a request for you! Lol

Basically, the idea is headcanons (or writing) of Jafar with an S/O that suffered SEVERE narcissistic abuse, and him quickly dealing just how much damage behaviors like his can cause. Like, he has to calm them down from a ptsd flashback, and they end up saying something about the “mind games” they were always playing, and how they were always on eggshells, and he’s basically over here like “ohhhh fuk…I do that kind of thing to people…”

Ooh some hurt comfort?? Coming right up 👀

I'm by no means an expert on this topic, so I'll stick with headcannons for now, but if you like 'em I'm more than open to writing a full imagine in future!!

Cracks my knuckles

Jafar with an abused S/O~!

Given the way he speaks, I wouldn't be surprised if it was something he said that triggered the unfortunate episode

A nasty, condescending comment about a hobby of yours, a hissing remark correcting your behaviour, or even deliberately misconstruing something you've said -- Incredibly self-serving, of course, but he's a master manipulator, and can very easily play the victim in even the tiniest arguments

Nothing could prepare him, however, for the sudden fit of anxiety and terror his words would induce

He is WOEFULLY uneducated on such things, and would regrettably have absolutely zero clue how to approach the situation -- He'd more than likely just freeze, simply staring down at you as you crumble

Once he's snapped out of his stupor, his first instinct would be to remove himself from the situation

He's clearly upset you, and he'd rather die than debase himself by admitting to his own wrongs. What a PATHETIC move that would be, huh?? (/sar)

Perhaps not the greatest instinct, but he'd give you time to cool off, to return to yourself, before slinking back in to discuss what caused your 'hysteria' (🙄🙄)

Likely with some warm tea to show in the smallest sense that he does actually CARE about you. It's not much, but it might be enough to get you talking

He would have fully intended to make a half-assed attempt at listening, followed by an empty promise to 'do better' and some kisses to top it off, but, in true Jafar fashion, his interest is piqued when you start describing the shit that he is oh so good at

The insufferable superiority complex, the 'do-no-wrong' mentality, the near constant mind games, manipulation and victimisation -- every single experience you describe he resonates with far too much

He hasn't had much experience with guilt, but you're his beloved. He cares about you. The sickly feeling creeps, resting heavier and heavier on his shoulders the more you manage to tell him

Truly an 'ohhhh fuck... I do that shit' moment if there ever was one

It's become second nature to him, almost a survival tactic -- not any excuse for his behaviour, of course, but he rarely gives a second thought to how awful the effects can be

He hates that it was you who had to tell him. He's supposed to be your biggest supporter, not your worst enemy

His illusion of perfection is shattered -- You aren't lucky to be with him, HE'S lucky you've put up with his disposition for as long as you have. He feels terrible.

All at once, you're wrapped up in a hug. Physical touch isn't his forte, but when you're as bad at apologies as he is, sometimes you have to compromise

This may be the first time you've ever heard a genuine 'sorry' from him

He will make an effort. Not to better himself as a whole, hell no, but to be better for you. The last thing he'd want to do is hurt you the way you've been hurt before. That'd be the WORST thing for his overinflated ego.

He's trying <3

#I GOT RLLY CARRIED AWAY W THIS ONE OH MY GOD #sorry it took so long to get around to 😭#my exams are over!! asks are being answered <3 #I popped this one under the cut for mentions of abuse/trauma #but nothing too serious #enjoy!!#fenris asks #jafar #self ship #headcannons #x reader #cw: abuse

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navstuffs · 2 years

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Everything he wanted

Pairings: Steve Rogers x GN!Reader, Steve Rogers x Peggy Carter

Warnings: post Infinity war, ANGST, fluff with angst ending, doesn't end well for reader, sorta songfic, some usage of y/n

Summary: Steve finally gets everything he wanted.

Author's note: ready for some pain? the idea of this fanfic got loosely tied to the song "Everything I wanted", by Billie Eilish.

"I had a dream

I got everything I wanted"

It was Steve's idea to celebrate your birthday dinner at your new house. It was going to be the first party since you two moved in. Now that Captain America was retired, thank you very much, he had a lot of free time on his hands. And he discovered his passion for cooking. He had been preparing your favorite meal that night, one that he passed the whole month before testing to make it tastier - Sam and Bucky were his test subjects.

Before retiring, Steve didn't have almost any time for old hobbies or even finding new ones. He was surrounded by death and danger, brought back from the past to a time he didn't know anyone, even himself sometimes. It was a miracle he found you in the middle of that mess and gave love a new chance. Steve was creating a new chapter for both of you, free of stress and risks.

He knew how much you had suffered with all deaths, especially Natasha and Tony. You were tempted on inviting Bucky, Sam, and Sarah to your birthday but you didn't want to bother since they had a busy lifestyle. Steve let his hand go to his pocket, holding the small box as a reminder of what he was going to do tonight. The doorbell rang breaking his thoughts.

"Finally! Coming!" Steve yelled, walking to the front door. He had told Bucky to be there a little earlier but Bucky was too late for his comfort.

When Steve opened the door, he was suddenly attacked by two pairs of small hands, half-hugging, half-trying to take him down.

"Get him, boys!" Bucky Barnes cheered, a smug grin on his face. Cass Wilson and AJ Wilson attacked Steve since Bucky had the most important item of that night on his hands. It had been weeks since Steve gave him the biggest task of the night: picking up your birthday cake.

"Oh come on, Barnes, making my nephews do your dirty work?!" Sam Wilson exclaimed behind Bucky, a playful tone in his voice.

Steve smiled, grabbing the kids by their hips and lifting them up with no difficulty. AJ and Cass didn't seem to mind, giggling even louder, their legs shaking.

"Okay, boys, we are going to have a lot of time for this later!" Sarah Wilson commented when she got closer to them and Steve put the kids down, with protest coming from them "(Y/N) will be here in less than thirty minutes and we still have to put the decorations up!"

"You are late, Bucky." Steve simply stated before pulling his friend into a half hug. Bucky was careful enough to keep your cake out of damage.

"Sorry? Cake store was a busy. The boys wanted to test their hug on (Y/N) later and I am carrying the cake, so the boys decided on you." Bucky winked at the kids. He walked into the house, carrying the cake cautiously to the kitchen, followed closely by AJ and Cass.

Steve turned his attention to Sam and Sarah, both carrying bags. He promptly took the bags out of Sarah's hands, apologizing.

"It is alright. How is dinner going? Too hard? Want me to take a look?" Sarah gave him a fast hug.

"I have been using Bucky and Sam as my lab rats so, we all know I need your opinion" Sarah smiled, satisfied, following her kids and Bucky's path.

"Uuuuh, I have found the wine, Steve!" Steve heard Bucky exclaim happily from the kitchen.

It was just him and Sam now. Sam was carrying the bags that had the rest of your gifts. He looked exhausted but happy to be there.

"Are you alright, Sam?"

"Yeah. Excited for the night off!"

Steve couldn't help but feel bad for Sam. And happy. Since he had retired, Sam assumed the Captain America mantle and shield. He knew since the beginning Sam was the correct choice and everything he would see on the TV, or hear on the radio just confirmed his choice. Steve trusted Sam Wilson with his legacy.

One of the reasons Steve could sleep easy at night. The other being you, of course.

Steve and Sam walked inside the house, organizing the gifts on top of Steve's center table.

"Thank you for being here, Sam. I can't imagine what you pulled through to be here."

"I am sure you can" Sam laughed. Truly, Sam needed a night off. Away from all responsibilities, have some fun with his friends, get a bit drunk "(Y/N) is my friend too, by the way. Anyway, how is retirement? Putting on your comfortable slippers and reading the journal the whole morning, feet up? Then napping? End of the day: complaining about the news, going to sleep at 9 pm?"

Steve shook his head, laughing. They could hear Sarah and Bucky talking in the kitchen.

"You forgot sleeping during the news and complaining about them at the same time" Steve joked making Sam burst a loud laugh.

"Something more happening tonight that I should know?" Steve jerked his head back to Sam and simply blinked. "Come on, Steve. You told me if you were going to do it, you would do it when time was right."

"You will see when the time gets there," Steve responded mysteriously, walking back to the kitchen. Sarah was having a glass of wine with Bucky, watching the kids play in the backyard.

"Steve, the food is delicious! My brother and Bucky served for something, I guess."

"Hey, I brought the cake! Which, by the way, it is (Y/N)'s favorite bakery and flavor."

"Thanks, Bucky. And thank you, Sarah."

Twenty minutes passed until your arrival. Steve kept pacing back and forth impatiently, keeping his eyes on his phone for your messages. Everything was ready, and everyone had their birthday hats on, AJ and Cass with blowouts. The kids, Bucky and Sam filled up some balloons for decoration and put up a simple happy birthday sign. It wasn't exactly a surprise birthday party, but it was more than you knew.

"I see (Y/N)'s car!" Cass exclaimed from the window and everyone assumed their position near the front door, with Bucky turning off the lights.

"Surprise!" Everyone screamed when you opened the door. For a second, you froze, looking at them stunned. AJ and Cass ran in your direction, hugging your sides tightly.

"What, how?" You barely hugged the boys back, still looking shocked at your friends there.

"Surprise! Happy birthday!" Bucky responded, pulling you into a tight hug.

Next was Sam. You were trying really hard to not cry while Sam hugged you, wishing you a happy birthday. You felt some tears drop while you hugged Sarah. It had been a couple of rough last years for you - especially after Natasha's death. After Steve and you retired and moved in together, it took a while until things got okay and you could lead your life normally. You wanted them at your party, but Sam and Bucky were busy with their superhero lifestyle and Sarah was occupied with her life and her kidd, so you didn't call to bother them about it. Steve was the one that called and invited them to surprise you.

"Hey, we are here, okay? Wouldn't miss this for anything in the world!" Sarah murmured, hugging you and kissing your cheek. She cleaned your tears and you felt a strong hug on both your sides. AJ and Cass again. You kneeled down to their level.

"There is cake, there are tons of gifts from us as well!" Cass told you, excited. You finally hugged them properly.

"I am sure they will be my favorite gifts!"

You got up and turned to Steve and felt his arms close around you. You lost your parents before joining the Avengers, and being alone for so long it was hard to bond with anyone. With time passing, your relationship with Steve changed from respectful to friendship to love. You had gone through so much together, it was hard seeing yourself without each other.

After Thanos, for a moment, you thought Steve was going to leave you. But he didn't.

After so many losses, it was nice knowing Steve chose you.

"Thank you, thank you so much, Steve. I love you." You whispered, your voice cracking down.

Steve didn't answer, placing a single kiss on the top of your head. He couldn't wait to ask your hand in marriage later that night.

"Not what you'd think

And if I'm being honest

It might've been a nightmare"

-x-

"I had a dream

I got everything I wanted

But when I wake up, I see

You with me"

Steve wakes up, feeling disoriented at first. He doesn't really know where he is. He gasps for some air and tries to get up but he is stopped by a pair of hands placed on his chest.

"Steve?" A woman's worried voice he knows very well. Peggy. "Are you okay? Did you have a nightmare?"

Steve doesn't answer, letting himself be dragged back to the bed. Peggy is holding his face, scanning his expressions. She looks worried - like it had happened before.

"I had a dream."

"What kind? Bad? Good?"

"I don't know."

Peggy doesn't answer, holding Steve in her arms, wanting to make sure he will calm down. Since he came back from the future, Steve's nights had been rough. She knows it had to be something from the time he passed in the future. Steve didn't share everything that happened yet but Peggy was patient, she could wait. She wasn't going to pressure him, she was just happy with his return.

"We will be alright, Steve. We are together now, we will be okay" Peggy whispers against his hair, still holding him closely.

Steve doesn't say anything. He remembers now he has come back for her because that is what he wanted, right? Since the beginning. Steve made the conscious choice of not telling anyone, not even you since Steve knew he would break your heart no matter what. Leaving without saying anything was the best choice.

Steve's dreams had started a little after he came back. He would have glimpses of the life he could have had with you - a child, a dog, getting old together. And it hurt. More than he admitted to himself.

Steve had made a choice and he needed to live with it now.

"If I knew it all then, would I do it again?

Would I do it again?"

Taglist: @peaches1958

STEVE ROGERS MASTERLIST | TAGLIST

#steve rogers x reader #steve rogers x you #steve rogers x female reader #captain america x reader #captain america x you #steve rogers fanfics #steve rogers #steve rogers fanfi #steve rogers fanfiction #steve rogers fanfic #steve rodgers imagine #captain america fanfics #captain america fanfic #captain america imagine #captain america imagines #captain america fanfiction #my headcanon of this fanfic: wanda is messing with him for leaving reader

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babyjakes · 1 year

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forever and a day | 52. retraining.

〈 disclaimer: this blog posts content not suitable for individuals under the age of 18. minors are strictly prohibited from viewing, sharing, or interacting with this blog. for more information on this blog's commitment to protecting minors, read our full statement here. 〉

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summary | a story in which america’s favorite captain gives a new life and family to a five-year-old girl who has suffered well beyond her years at the hands of hydra.

characters | dad!steve rogers, girl/willa rogers (original character)

warnings | AU similar enough to OU to include spoilers to many Marvel movies (Age of Ultron and beyond). action and fight scenes with violence and killing. injuries/mild gore. mature themes related to and semi-graphic depictions of child abuse/neglect, past CSA and CSM, and their aftermath (emaciation, wounds, scarring, etc). medical abuse (including sterilization) and experimentation. ptsd/trauma symptoms in a child (developmental discrepancies, de-humanized behavior, detachment, extreme fears). medical treatment of CSM and other aftermath of abuse.trauma-informed therapeutic treatment of ECT. minor mentions of disordered eating. themes relating to abuse of power/authority and immoral interrogation tactics including SA (with brief depictions.) evil!Tony Stark.

[Steve]

"Tell me, Mr. Rogers," the kind young lady had said as she sat beside me in one of the light brown armchairs in the living room, holding a small notepad on her lap where she was jotting down points from our first discussion together.

"You can call me Steve," I had interjected at that point, causing her to look up for a moment and smile. Her eyes shined with a certain gentleness through their soft shades of grey and blue, helping me to relax ever so slightly through the daunting interview.

"Steve," she corrected, nodding politely. "Tell me, Steve, what are your biggest worries for Willa? Or what are the challenges you find most serious when it comes to her emotional and behavioral wellbeing?"

"Oh god," I had said, shaking my head at the overwhelming question. "I... I don't even know where to begin. I mean... she's just been through so much. And even though she's been out of captivity for a decent amount of time, she still functions as if she's in constant danger. I just don't know how to show her that she's safe, that she can let her walls down now and let me take care of her."

"That makes sense," Jenny had said, scribbling down a few more lines on her notepad. "I'm planning on completing a proper set of evaluations to offer a clinical diagnosis, but from what I've already spoken with Dr. Banner about, my best guess is that she's probably developed a severe case of post-traumatic stress disorder. Given the nature of the trauma she endured, it'll likely take a lot of time and therapy to help her overcome some of the emotional barriers she's built up as defense mechanisms."

"Yeah, that's what I figured," I had mumbled.

"Do you have any idea of where you'd like to start? Because she is so young, and you're her primary caregiver, I'd like to involve you as much as possible in her treatment as long as you feel comfortable participating."

"Of course," I had agreed, "I want to do whatever I can to help. And as far as where to begin... I'm not sure. I think the thing I worry about the most at the moment is Willa's inability to accept help. There have been several occasions where she's hurt herself or gotten herself into a situation where she's needed assistance, but she's just been too terrified of coming to me for help to actually let me know. And when I've realized it and tried to help her, she's resisted me as much as she could. I'm not exactly sure where her fear comes from, but I'm assuming it's rooted in what Hydra did to her and how they must've trained her to not ever ask for things." After pausing for a moment, I had added, "I mean, I guess it's not even just asking for help. It's really asking for anything. If I try to get her opinion on something, or ask her what she wants to do for the day, she'll clearly be thinking of an answer, but completely unwilling to share it at all."

"That does sound very problematic," Jenny had nodded, "even though she's trying her best not to be. It makes me think of a few specific documents I read out of her files from Hydra; they were recordings of training sessions she went through that had originally been written in another language, so Dr. Banner wasn't able to understand them. After running them through a translator, they revealed that when she was a toddler, her captors had put her through electric shock treatment to train her to not seek help or comfort." My heart had dropped into the pit of my stomach when she revealed this, but I simply nodded, sensing she had more to share. "They would put a shock collar on her, similar to one that might be used on a dog, and set her on the floor. A few feet away, they would place something she might have wanted. Sometimes it was food, after they had starved her for days. Other times, it was a person. Initially, her instincts would drive her to approach another human in hopes of being held or interacted with, as children that small naturally need and seek affection. But as soon as she would move towards them, or the food, or whatever it was she was being trained with, she would be electrocuted through the neck. Eventually, this changed the fundamental patterns in her brain so that she would no longer pursue things she wanted or needed. They continued the treatment until she would cower back in fear as soon as the food was placed down on the floor."

"Oh my god," I had breathed out, angry tears built up in the back of my eyes. "And she was just a toddler?"

"I believe the training began when she was two," the doctor replied. A sick, nauseous feeling bubbled up in my stomach as I processed the information I had been given. No wonder why she never asks for help, never asks for anything, for that matter, I had thought to myself. "It wouldn't surprise me if as soon as she's offered help or faced with having to ask for things now, she's automatically reminded of her experiences and even still physically feels what her body was put through during that training. Even though concrete memories aren't generally formed during toddlerhood, the body simply has fascinating ways of remembering traumas from any age."

"My poor Willa," I had mumbled in defeat, absolutely disgusted by what Hydra had put her through. "Now I feel bad for not being more patient with her; I had no idea something that horrific had happened to make her afraid of me in that way. How do we- how can I help her? How can I show her that it's safe now, that she won't ever be put through anything like that again?"

"Well, it's going to be a long process," Jenny had admitted. "But what I can tell you is that every time she experiences something that contradicts her past experiences, her brain is relearning the ways of the world. This process is called 'reparenting'; I am assuming Dr. Banner might have mentioned it to you?" I nodded, having recognized the term. "It's going to be very hard and very frightening for her for a long time. And the fear might never go away completely. But eventually, little by little, she should start building up more confidence in her safety with you. The most important thing will be for you to always be as patient and gentle with her as you can, as this is what her brain will be replacing all of her previous experiences with."

"Okay, that makes sense," I had said. "How do I start? What can I do?"

"There are some exercises you can run through with her; they're similar to exposure therapy, but more trauma-centered and focused directly on reparenting. I'll give her a simple one today at the end of our session together, something that hopefully won't feel like too much to start out with. I'll let you run it with her, just the two of you, and next time we meet, we can discuss how it went."

"Alright. An exercise?" I had asked, not completely understanding what she meant.

"I'll just give her something to ask you for. If you'd like, you can initiate it with her after I leave so that she doesn't have the pressure of bringing it up herself." I nodded, the idea making sense as something that might help slowly easing her into growing more comfortable with advocating for herself.

"Great. I'll be sure to do it with her then," I had promised the doctor.

Which brings me to this moment, in which Willa is standing before me, her big green eyes filled with tears as she stares at the hard-wood floor beneath her bare feet, her bottom lip trembling violently as she attempts to swallow down her fear. Jenny left about an hour ago, and I was sure to give the little girl a bit of time to recover and breathe before deciding to bring up the exercise with her. Just moments ago, I called her into the kitchen, and as soon as I told her I wanted to try the exposure, as the doctor had called it, her mood went completely out the window.

"Sweetheart," I say as I kneel down just a few feet away from the shaking child, keeping my voice as soft and unintimidating as I can. "Remember when Jenny talked to you today about trying to ask Daddy for something? Did she talk to you about that?" I remind her. Not daring to look up at me, the little girl's terrified body language immediately gives away the answer to my (probably pointless) question. "Hey, Willa-bug," I murmur, an image popping up in my head of the poor child's neck wrapped in an electric collar, helping me maintain the gentle disposition I need. "It's okay, peanut; you can do it. You can always ask Daddy for things, okay? You'll never be in trouble for it, never ever," I promise, but unsurprisingly, my words seem to do little to change her mind.

"P-please," the poor thing whimpers, the word seeming to be her go-to plea when she's too afraid to say much of anything else.

"'Please' what, baby?" I coo, hating to see her so distraught. "There's no need for 'please's with me, sweetheart," I remind her carefully, "there's no scary here, Willa. No scary at all."

"Please, please don't," she begs, a single tear trailing down to the tip of her rosy nose as she sniffles quietly. "Jenny said you-... you're gonna retrain me; please don't g-get the collar, please don't."

"Retrain you?" I ask, my brow furrowing immediately in concern. "Willa, sweetheart, did she explain to you what that means? It's not the same kind of training you did with Hydra, honey. It's retraining your brain to not be scared of- hey, sweetheart, hey," I hum, only growing more worried as the little girl's chest begins to rise and fall more rapidly, her panic clearly escalating despite my efforts to reassure her.

"P-please, please don't," she hiccups again fearfully.

"There's no collar, Willa. We don't do that here, of course we don't. The retraining just means we're gonna show you it's safe, doll. The whole point of the exposure is to teach your brain that it's safe."

"N-no collar, please no c-collar," she mumbles.

"No collar," I coo, "can you ask me, sweetheart? Nobody's gonna put a collar on you; you're just gonna ask and it's gonna be safe for you, I promise."

Sucking in a shaky breath, Willa squeezes her eyes shut, taking a long pause before finally finding the courage to say, "W-will you-... please... c-can-... Willa and Daddy-... Willa and D-Daddy-..." Sniffling, she gasps for another breath before finishing, "you-... I-I-... snuggles?" Silent sobs begin wracking through the little child's body as she waits in anticipation, her entire body tensed up and ready to receive whatever punishment is coming.

But against her predictions, I simply wrap the small girl up in my arms warmly, lifting her into the air as I rise to my feet and cradle her close to my chest. Rocking her back and forth as I begin to brush her hair down gently with my hand, I murmur soothing words to the child. "Shhh," I ease, coaxing her head softly against my shoulder as I hold her safely, her whole body shaking as I grant her request. "Of course we can snuggle, Willa-bug. You're my snuggle bear, after all; aren't you?" I croon gently, my quiet words of comfort slowly beginning to help her relax. "Here, how about we cuddle up in Daddy's bed? It's the biggest one in the house," I suggest as I carry the sweet girl back through the apartment to my bedroom, walking over and pulling back the blankets and sheets atop the mattress.

"D-Daddy's bed," Willa stutters quietly as I climb in with her still cradled closely to me, resting back against the pillows and pulling the soft blankets up over us as she snuggles warmly into my chest. "Big."

"Big bed, that's right," I agree. "Lots of space to snuggle."

"N-no collar," she says carefully, the fear almost completely gone from her voice.

"No collar," I confirm, brushing back her hair with a soothing hand as one of her thumbs finds its way into her mouth. "No collar ever, sweetie. I promise you; I pinky promise." Wrapping my little finger around her own, I lean down, planting a kiss on her head.

"Scratchy pinky p'omise," she tells me at the gentle roughness of my beard grazing over her bare skin. Looking up at me with wide eyes, I'm able to relax slightly as I see a hint of playfulness shining in the little girl's gaze.

"Scratchy, huh? You don't like Daddy's new beard?" I raise my eyebrow in jest.

"No, still like it," she assures me, rubbing her little forehead against the coarse hair lovingly. "Daddy looks so han'some. Bucky told me- m-my daddy's the mos' han'some man in the world."

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