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icedmatchatae · 1 year

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Glimpse of Us | KTH Chapter IV: Everything We Didn't Say

Pairing: Problematic Idol Taehyung x Grad Student Reader

Genre: Idol AU, Ex-Childhood Best Friends into—, Angst (Hello, welcome to my angst central), Fluff (mainly in the flashbacks), Slow Burn, Eventual Smut

Summary: BTS’s V has been living a lavished and successful lifestyle, but underneath all of that, Kim Taehyung is far from the perfect image the media and fans made him out to be. All he wants is to relive the feelings of happiness and purpose in his life, but how can he when he left behind those memories years ago? The same memories, he hopes to see a glimpse of.

Warning: This is a big one lol, heavy ANGST, flashbacks (including fighting you’re about to see how their friendship ended and guess who fucks up, crying, insecurities (self and relationship), mentions of the deceased, minor character death in the past), unhealthy life habits (a/n: pls don’t do this to yourself! Take care of your body/self-care)

Word Count: 17.5k

A/N: I would also like to point out that the story's first half is about understanding their relationship and gradually their individual lives. It goes back and forth between the past and present. Specific timeframes (like Taehyung as a trainee) will be mentioned but not all. As time goes on, things will start to unravel. BTW: when I say football, I mean soccer lol

Chapter IV: Everything We Didn't Say || Series Masterlist

You paced back and forth on the front porch as you played with your fingers to calm yourself. The clouds covered the cerulean sky and bright heating sun on a cooling fall weekend afternoon. Leaves shifted to their rustic tones, hardening to a crisp. Some tried their best to stick onto the trees while others fell elegantly, being done for the season.

As for you, you dressed extra special today and saved up some money for it as well. A brown oversized sweater over a muted green linen maxi dress paired with your old dirty pair of black shoes. You saved enough for the outfit but not the shoes. Your hair was half up, held by a scrunch that was the same color as your dress.

Though in one of your best attires yet, you waited anxiously for your grandparents to be ready. Well, they were already ready to go for the day but what was missing was Taehyung.

You’ve been waiting for almost an hour and called and texted him countless times, but he had yet to answer you. You told him months in advance, weeks, days, and literally hours before, and he still wasn’t here.

“Sweets, we have to go. We’re gonna be late.” Your grandmother informed as she saw your distressed state. Your lips were in between your teeth, not wanting to give up faith in your best friend. You blinked towards your grandmother as she could only smile empathetically.

“We have a long drive, ___.” Your grandfather came out of the house and locked the door.

You checked the time on your phone, an hour over the scheduled time. You sighed as you glanced over at the Kim residence, seeing no one was home. You frowned as you felt the tears attempting to come out. He was supposed to be there with you.

You nodded to your grandparents as you all walked towards the car. You and your grandfather loaded the back with baskets of food, a picnic blanket, flowers, and candles. Once you closed the trunk, you called Taehyung once more to which no avail so you ultimately accepted that he wasn’t coming.

Your family drove off the property and left Geochang for the time being as your destination was the Daegu City Cemetery where you spent almost the entire day there.

By the time you were back home in Geochang, it was already late in the night, ten at night to be exact and that was past your grandparents’ bedtime. All of you were tired from the day trip, more so you. You kept crying the ride too when you were at the cemetery and the ride from. It was a miracle you didn’t cry during dinner, but you showed you were upset.

Your grandparents—blessed their hearts—tried their best to cheer you up but it was rather difficult with a day like today and your best friend not being there with you. So they let you be and comforted you here and there.

As you unloaded the car, you heard footsteps pressing into the gravel and coming your way. You didn’t bother looking since you knew who it was and finally decided to show up.

“Blue!” Taehyung greeted you with a hug and a kiss on your head. Though this behavior was typical, it left a sour taste right now and you didn’t like it. Instead of hugging back, you pushed him away which surprised the boy. You glared at him before heading to your front door with the basket in your hands.

Your grandfather opened the door for you to come inside but Taehyung gripped your armand held you back. You tried tugging your limb, but he wasn’t budging. “Blue, what’s wrong?” He questioned. Confusion grew in his expression, not aware of why you were being like this to him.

“Nothing’s wrong, Taehyung.”

“Okay, something’s definitely wrong.” He disagreed, shaking his head. “You always call me Hyungie. Tae, when you’re annoyed or irritated. Taehyung, when you’re pissed at me.” You loved how much he knew you, but hated how much he knew you.

You huffed as you gripped the basket. Your grandfather came next to you and took what you held in his hands. “I’ll bring these in, ___. Talk to Tae, okay?”

You scrunched your nose in displeasing, seeing how your grandfather had a soft spot for your best friend. He wanted you to talk it out, and you will but you’re just angry with Taehyung.

When your grandfather went inside and closed the door, you crossed your arms and leaned into one leg. “Where were you today?” You snapped, interrogating him right off the bat.

“No need for the attitude, Blue.” He mumbled, hating how you scolded him. “I went to the beach party!”

Your eyes widened in disbelief. “W-what?”

“Yeah, you know the second-year Lee Jungjae, our sunbae?” Your best friend mentioned. You didn’t know who he was, because you couldn’t keep up with Taehyung’s gazillion friends. “Well, he personally invited me to his birthday beach party. I had to sleep over at his house because we had to take the bus all the way to Pohang. It was tiring but so fun, like—”

“So you just went without me? Without me knowing?” You grilled him, your temper slowly thinning the more he spoke.

“I mentioned it to you the other day…” He reasoned, trying to defend himself. “But Jungjae Hyung didn’t say to bring guests because of the trip. I’m sorry—”

“I don’t care about the stupid beach party, Taehyung!” You yelled. Your cheeks burned hot with the frustration that built up and was ready to explode. “I don’t care about your sunbae, or the fucking trip, or how much you had fun!”

“___, why are you so mad? It’s not like you were sitting at home doing nothing. When I came back, Halmeoni said your family was gon—”

“Taehyung, we went to the cemetery in Daegu.” You interjected, your voice softened at the end of your sentence. “It was my parents’ tenth death anniversary.”

Then Taehyung’s confused and offended face morphed into the eye-opening realization that he fucked up. “That was today? Blue, I for—”

“I’m upset with you.” You told him. “You knew how important it was for you to be there.”

Due to the distance, time, and financial obligations, it was difficult to schedule a time to go visit your parents every year. Your grandparents had their shop and farm to manage and you were still in school as well as your grandmother had health concerns from time to time. The only thing you could do was put up a photo frame of your parents on the top of your dresser.

As it was close to their ten years, you begged your grandparents to go to Daegu where they were buried. Reason being that it has been a long time and you would love to see them. Though they grew older and weaker by the second, of course, they did their part in making it happen. While doing so, you asked Taehyung to be there for you.

Since they died when you were so young, you had little memories of them. But with all you could remember, you told the stories to your best friend. You knew your parents would have loved Taehyung and he would love them. That’s why you asked Taehyung to come, not only for you and your support but for him to meet your parents for the first time and talk to them as if they were here.

Taehyung was stoked about the days coming to today, so it disappointed you when he said he has forgotten. But what hurts the most was that he chose his other friends over you.

Over time, this has been an issue between you two that was rather conflicting on your end. Though you knew how sociable Taehyung was from the second you met him, it made you jealous to see him hanging out with others. Of course, he always included you, but you knew at times, that you weren’t as welcomed.

You overheard peers whispering and murmuring why someone like Taehyung hung out with someone like you, quiet, awkward, and nervous. Some girls even tried to be your friend to get closer to Taehyung. That led to you confronting him about it and letting him have fun with his friends by himself. You reassured him that it was okay with you as you had his siblings to hang out with. It was a chance for Taehyung to reach his social butterfly status while you thrived with being a hermit. You certainly didn’t mind, but you envy those around Taehyung who were able to interact so easily.

Recently, he has been spending more time with older students after joining the football team. He has gotten popular when he went into high school. You were still in your last year of middle school as you were the same age as his sister. You loved how well he fitted into the crowd, but it felt like he left you behind and didn’t want to hang out with a recluse like you. You were considered a “kid.” You gradually became insecure about your friendship with him, worrying if you were meant to be his true best friend. You were so sensitive about it, so this stung way more than anticipated. That was something you never told him.

“I’m sorry, ___. I really am, I…” He apologized, but it didn’t work when he saw your eyes swell into tears and your chest bounce once you cried. “Blue, nooo.” He was utterly guilty, he wanted to embrace you and give you comfort but you rejected his touch.

“I-I w-wanted you there!” You wept with your palms covering your face. “I called you, texted you, and you didn’t answer.”

“Blue, please let me make it up.” He pleaded, making the chance to clutch onto your wrists and pull them away to see your teary face. He felt so ashamed that he was the reason you were crying. “Please, don’t cry. I’m sorry.” He replicated the tears you produced.

You shook your head as you wiped your face with your sweater. You brought back your wrists to your frame, gesturing that you didn’t want him to touch you. “I don’t want to see you right now. You hurt me today, I can’t.”

“___, no, please. I’m sorry.” He refused, not wanting your demand. You’ve never said that to him. Though he bugged the shit out of you almost every day, you always wanted to see him. He couldn’t live without seeing you or being with you. He didn’t want to leave you hurt by him like this, he never meant to harm you. “Don’t do this, Blue.”

“I just need some time away from you.” You responded briefly.

“But—”

“Don’t make me madder than I already am!” You shouted crudely. “Now back to your fucking friends that you love oh so much and just forget about me!” Word vomit spewed out your mouth without intention. There was so much that angered, saddened, and overall tired you, you couldn’t help it.

Both of your eyes grew at what you said. You merely inhaled sharply while Taehyung shook his head in denial. There was no way he could forget about you.

“Blue, I’ll neve—”

You didn’t let him finish his sentence as you scurried to the entrance and closed and locked the door from behind. You heard Taehyung trying to follow you in, but he was too late to catch you.

He knocked constantly on the door. “Blue, ___, please. Don’t do this. I’m sorry! I fucked up, but I’ll never forget you. You’re my best friend, my Blue! Please I’m sorry. I’ll make it up!” He sobbed through behind the doorway. You stayed silent, crying and waiting for him to leave first but he kept pounding and professing his apologies and regrets. But they still weren’t enough for you.

This was the biggest fight yet.

“Tae!” Hoseok snapped his fingers in front of his younger member. Taehyung shook his head and blinked hard before scanning his eyes at his alarmed members.

After being separated for some time, Jimin and Namjoon thought it was a good idea to have a little lunch get-together to catch up with each of us. Hoseok released his solo album in the past month, striking many records. Yoongi has been busy with collaborations with other artists. Namjoon got back from a European trip. Jungkook has been going back and forth to the United States for recordings. Seokjin made appearances on various cooking shows. Finally, Jimin came back from Busan after resting with his family before going back into the studio.

All in all, the guys were doing well with the pause and shift in career focus. Well, not all. Though Taehyung looked forward to the lunch, he knew that his updates were mainly him and his therapy because right off the bat, Yoongi insisted on knowing the progress.

Taehyung was lucky enough that the set-up happened the day after his session, so he bullshited whatever was said that time and nothing more. This week wasn’t any better, unlike the previous ones. The idol refused to speak out as much and stayed in silence with Dr. Im until the time was over. It was unsettling with improvements because Taehyung couldn’t care less right now.

Both his members and his therapist meant no harm in his life, but couldn’t help but feel bothered. They cared enough to help the idol, but was it really enough for him to live by? Almost every question asked patronized him and his actions rather than explaining why or how it is.

Like yesterday, maybe it was all in Taehyung’s head, Dr. Im wondered what has been happening with him in the past two weeks to have a sudden shift in his behavior in therapy. While the idol said nothing, Dr. Im claimed further if someone or something occurred that changed your life. Perhaps it was because the professional knew what was happening even without context, and it ticked the idol off and decided to end the session twenty minutes early. Again, Dr. Im was just doing his job.

However, his members… were a piece of work with him. They wanted every detail and what he did after, then they would comment on it and tell him what he should do. That was how the cycle went and suddenly Taehyung wished he never came to the lunch and never seen them a little longer.

“Are you good, bud?” Hoseok asked once more. “You seem out of it.”

“Something happened?” Yoongi questioned. “If something did and you’re not tel—”

“No, I can’t say if I’m good when I’m going to therapy now, isn’t it?” Taehyung interjected passive-aggressively.

The slight comment shifted the aura of the lunch. Things were still rocky from the last time, being the same members talking—Taehyung, Yoongi, and Namjoon, but the older members thought to live passed that and be grateful to see their younger again. But by the look on the older’s face, Yoongi was about to call him out.

“What Tae means is that…” Jimin intervened to ease the tension before it erupted. “You’ve been awfully quiet since we’ve sat. You barely even ate.”

It was always Jimin coming to the rescue to protect his friend. Couldn’t blame the dude, that was his ride or die. He was the most patient when it came to Taehyung and his actions, was always there for him, gentle towards him, and was an overall caring best friend.

Taehyung was appreciative, but there were times when it was a bit overbearing like he couldn’t take care of or defend himself. It made Taehyung feel useless and pitiful, which irked him.

“Umm,” Taehyung sighed, poking his chopsticks and the cold cooked meat sitting on his plate. “It’s nothing bad, but just in my mind.”

“Something happened between you and Clara?” Seokjin asked, which brought a disturbingly positive shift into the group’s mood apart from Taehyung. “Haven’t heard about her in a while. You two doing good?”

Taehyung deathly wanted to scowl in revulsion at how much the boys loved her. After all, they were the ones who talked him into asking her out on a date in the first place. They endeared her so much that they thought that she was really a pillar in Taehyung’s life and helping him better himself.

Taehyung hummed noncommittally and shrugged, “Same old. She’s just been busy with work and online presence while I’m…not. She understands though, I guess.”

“Tell her we said hi!” Namjoon smiled. “Hope we can see her again soon.”

“Yeah, I’ll make sure to tell her.” Taehyung was most likely sure that he wouldn’t send back the thanks. She recently was getting on his nerves for being so quiet these past weeks and not texting right away. The idol reassured her that he was tired and focused on his solo project, but he knew that there was more to it.

“Then what’s the matter, Hyung?” Jungkook cocked an eyebrow as he chewed.

Taehyung had to think about how to approach this. He didn’t necessarily tell anyone what happened between you two, recently that is. Before they debuted, Taehyung was sure that they remembered you or some bits. They also knew what happened that ended your friendship since it happened weeks before their debut and Taehyung was somewhat of a mess. They haven’t met you, but they knew how much you meant to him.

But that was before.

His therapist had speculations but came out empty-handed so far. Seojoon and Wooshik tried to get some information out of the idol on you, but Taehyung was a hard shell to crack. They needed the electric saw or metal-cutting machine to know exactly who you were.

So no one knew you were back, physically, in his mind, thoughts, memories, and emotions.

But then he pondered for a while. He has been sulking and distraught over this alone, yet he had much support around him asking what was going on. It was truly the work of his stubbornness. The reason was unknown, or difficult for his brain to comprehend.

Maybe because he simply wanted to have you back on his own. Maybe his selfishness to know you and no one else does. Maybe his overthinking thoughts of anxiousness about how others would react to finding out who you were and what happened. Maybe all?

At this point, reasonably the best thing to do was tell someone. After what you said to him a couple of weeks ago that led him into his emotional downward spiral, he hated feeling hopeless and scared. He didn’t want you to see him in that light, fearful of the stinging burn that could keep you away forever. The words he spoke to you may have not been the best way to say—you were always scolding him on stuff like that—you knew deep down he meant well.

But you were rather difficult, another trait he remembered when you got mad or upset. You tended to say things you don’t mean while also distancing yourself.

Ypu can say Taehyung needed some help with you?

“Do you remember ___?” Taehyung began, which lead to many confused expressions around the table.

“Who?” Hoseok questioned, nothing popping up in his head as he sipped his drink.

“Uhhh, the name sounds familiar?” Namjoon responded while in his thoughts. “Can you explain more?”

“___ ___, my best friend back home,” Taehyung mentioned, but yet there was no ringing in their minds. “I’m sure you all remember her. I used to call her every single night ever since I came to Seoul.”

Jimin’s face lit up as he snapped his fingers in his realization. “Ahh, ___! It was so hard to remember her name because you always called her Bl—”

“You can’t say that name, only I can.” Taehyung squinted his eyes at his best friend. Though Jimin smirked cheekily, for a second, he questioned Taehyung’s reaction.

“Ohhh, ___! Yeah, I remember now.” Seokjin gasped, and the gears in his brain started moving. “I used to get pissed off at the both of you for keeping me awake.”

“Oh, yeah! With all the calls.” Hoseok nodded, remembering as well. “Your giggling and whining still haunt my sleep.” He joked with a playful glare at Taehyung, making the younger shrug.

“Yeah…name with no face. It’s been a while since we heard her name.” Jungkook stated. “Why’d you bring her up?”

Taehyung tapped his fingers on the table, picturing the first time he saw you again. “I met her again couple weeks back. She’s in Seoul now.”

Seokjin hummed in response, “Really? Interesting. Who knew?”

“Not me,” Taehyung muttered with a light forced chuckle.

“Yeah, didn’t you tell us you had a falling out before? I remembered it pre-debut.” Hoseok heard Taehyung’s comment and spoke up about it. “I assume the reunion wasn’t all on purpose.”

Taehyung licked his lips and nodded, “It was random. She works at a small restaurant in a sketchy part of Seoul, but it’s really good. I went with Seojoon Hyung and Wooshik Hyung. We should go sometimes.” When he said, he hoped they took that suggestion lightly but he knew Jimin and Jungkook would be down. “I found out she’s going to school in the city, she’s in a grad program, she didn’t tell me what though. Actually, these were her responses to my Hyungs. The whole time she didn’t even talk to me, practically never looked my way no matter how much I tried.”

It was at that moment, everyone knew they couldn’t blame you. The rest of the members didn’t know who you were deeply, but they felt for you and you seemed nice, judging by the very few interactions you had with them over the phone. What Taehyung did was hurtful and cruel even from an outsider’s perspective. They all knew it from experience.

“Can’t blame her…” Namjoon said what everyone thought about.

Taehyung’s eye twitched. He didn’t need to say it out loud. “Yeah, I went back again, but alone that time, and she basically told me to go fuck myself.”

“Sorry, Tae.” Jimin frowned, patting his best friend’s back.

“Well, did she even want you there in the first place?” Yoongi inquired, but that made Seokjin glare at his younger for being harsh. “What? I’m being honest after what happ—”

“Please, don’t mention it, Hyung.” His words damaged Taehyung’s emotions, and he scrunched his face as the brutal memory replayed in his mind. Yoongi did not apologize, but he managed to shut up. “It was just nice seeing her again, an old face—a familiar face, a good memory.” You were always the best memory.

“I’m sure it was. It’s been a while since you’ve seen her.” Hoseok acknowledged.

“But then again, you should know the feeling isn’t mutual, Tae.” Namjoon pointed out, trying to get Taehyung to think realistically. “It seems she’s not over it and you know what you did.”

“I know, but…” Taehyung didn’t know how to express his thoughts in words. He was blanking out despite his mind running 200 km per hour. “With how shitty my life’s been going, even if she hates my fucking guts, I actually enjoy her presence. She’s my best friend! I’d want to rekindle what we had.”

The way Taehyung explained it made Jungkook have concerning thoughts. He seemed more expressive with you than his own girlfriend. “You should probably be careful, Hyung.” Taehyung cocked his head to the side to face the youngest. “I—I’m not saying Clara’s the jealous type, but….”

“What does she have to do with ___?” Scoffing at the youngest member, he eyed him out with hostility. Taehyung felt a sudden sense of protection over you.

“Don’t be like that, please?” Jungkook frowned, not wanting to get on his older friend’s bad side. “What I’m saying is that it sounds like you’re over here talking about some other chick and wanting her back when you clearly have a girlfriend.”

“She’s not some girl. She’s been my best friend for literally twenty years! More than all of you!”

“Not really, if you didn’t see each other in years…” Namjoon commented which made Taehyung clench his jaw but say nothing.

Taehyung closed his eyes and controlled his breathing while balling his anger into his fist. “What was your point, Jungkook?”

“Well, does Clara know about ___?” Jungkook asked sincerely. “If ___ meant something to you, then you should have told your girlfriend about her.”

Taehyung bit his lip while processing the question. He then shook his head before drinking his soda. “No, because I met Clara way after my falling out with ___. I didn’t think it mattered.” There was no way in hell, he’d tell Clara about you. There was more to the explanation, but Taehyung was currently unaware of why it was like that.

“It kinda does matter now, especially when you want ___ back in your life.” Jimin reasoned as he stared at his best friend. “We can support you, but just be cautious.”

“It’s just…I—let’s not talk about that right now. I should have never told you guys.” Taehyung regretted his decision in revealing you. He knew that nothing went the way he wanted it to and didn’t like what was said.

Hoseok pouted, reaching out to squeeze Taehyung’s hand. “No, don’t say that. We appreciate you telling us! We’re just worried about you and Clara. If ___ comes back, then you’d obviously have to tell her.”

“Just don’t fuck up with it,” Yoongi concluded bluntly. “You’ve been with Clara for five years and still going strong. If ___ isn’t back, then leave it. It doesn’t matter anymore. It’s not worth losing your relationship.”

What did Yoongi know about relationships? He was severely single. And what did he know about Taehyung’s relationship? Nothing, that’s what. None of them knew yet pulled shit out of their ass and spoke highly of his girlfriend. However, when it came to you, they treated you like some side character reprising an insignificant role. But you were never like that. You will never be.

“The point I’m telling you is that I met ___,” Taehyung replied, wanting this discussion to be over immediately. “And for the record, I’ve decided something.”

“Which is?” Seokjin asked.

Taehyung looked down at his plate, mindlessly glazing at the untouched noodles. He smirked as a memory came up. “There’s a reason why we were best friends.”

“Yes, I understand. I’ll pay the other half at the end of the month, please.” You nodded as you spoke into your phone. “I just need time.”

“___, you know you don’t need to do this all on your own. I’m sure your other relatives can help,” The nurse on the other side replied. “I’ve talked to your cousin and she sa—”

“It’s fine, I promise.” You quickly denied. “This responsibility landed on me and I fully accept it.”

He sighed into the microphone, “So strong as always, ___. It’s okay to rely on others.”

“Maybe.” You said, brushing what was said off. “I need to go now, I’m off my break soon. But don’t tell him, okay?”

“I’m sure he knows—”

“Please, Moobin.” You begged, feeling slightly uneasy. You didn’t want him to be worrying about you, especially with this.

“Okay, fine. I won’t.” Moobin answered, succumbing to your request. “Lucky for you, telling him would only worsen the condition.”

“It’s still not good either way, but thank you.” Appreciating his efforts, you nodded as you looked at the time. “Okay, I have to go but keep me updated.” You said before bidding goodbye to the nurse and hanging up.

You exhaled in distress, but surely, it wasn’t enough for you. You calculated what had to be done and now you needed to work at least ten more hours this cycle. Though the weekends were your day offs to catch up on school work, you might have to work them to get by without any burden. Ugh, your migraine was coming back up.

You swiftly grabbed a can of Coca-Cola and opened it before chugging the liquid down. Hopefully, it would help lessen the pain. So much to do with very little time.

“You know you have to pay for that.” You turned your head to see Kenji coming by to use the cash register. You nodded as you sipped more of the content. As he punched in the order, he glanced over and inspected the drink. “___, you okay? You never have coke unless something happens.”

“The way you know that sure is expected of you.” You huffed, not bothering to care any further. “Just had another chat with the nurse back home.”

“Is he alright?” Your coworker asked.

You hummed as a reply, “For now, but it was about the payments…do you think Halmeoni be okay if I work the weekends too?”

“___, if you need the money, I’ll be happy to lend yo—”

“No.” You interrupted him. “I can’t ask you to do that, I just want to work a little more.”

Kenji frowned as the register door opened before ripping the receipt. “You’re already working more than usual and you drinking coke to reduce your headache means you’re overworking yourself.”

“Ken, I’m fine.” You scoffed. You gulped down all of what was left in the can before recycling it into a bin. “I just needed a boost. But I do wanna work more.”

“___…” He looked at you and you had a face of determination. There was no way in reasoning with you. “Ask her. She won’t be too pleased, but if you tell her about it, maybe she’ll accept…or give you a bon—”

“No, I need to work for it.”

Kenji rolled his eyes and shook his head, “Sometimes just get the free opportunities.”

“Sometimes every opportunity is a blow to your fucking face.” You sighed as you grabbed a tray.

You then spotted Halmeoni coming down the hallway with a box of napkins. Gripping the tray in your fingers, you went towards her and grabbed the box from her. “I’ll get that for you.” You offered. You settled them behind the counter and under the table where all the extra supplies stayed.

“Sweetie, you don’t need to carry it. I’m still strong!” Your boss laughed but appreciated your kindness.

“Just trying to make your day easier.” You said authentically before clearing your throat. “Ummm, Halmeoni?”

“Yes, dear?”

“I—Is it possible if I can work the weekends?”

Halmeoni sulked, “Why is it? Something ha—”

“Uhh, no, no, well…I have some more time on my hands. I don’t have projects coming up, so I’m not really doing much at home.” She knew your situation, but if you told her, she wouldn’t want you to work as much either.

She squinted her eyes with suspicion. “Everything going on back in Geochang?”

You nodded, “Nurse said he’s doing well for now, but I just want to work a little bit.”

She knew you were headstrong, not wanting to say anything. She would have to ask Kenji, but even so, she wouldn’t acknowledge it and play dumb with you. “Sure, okay, sweetie. Just tell me what hours later.”

You sighed in relief and nodded excitedly. “Thank you, I appreciate you and Harabeoji. I guess Kenji too.”

“I heard that!” Kenji whined, making you and your boss chuckle.

“Just…don’t stress too much, okay? We’re here if you need anything.” She meant it with sincerity in her expression. She cared for you like you were her own, and it twisted your heart from the thought. You knew she meant well, but it was all too much to offer for someone like you. You only nodded as she patted your head.

Right after, the tarp entrance flicked open, catching the attention of your boss with widened pupils and a gasp. “Ahh, Taehyung, you’re back! And you brought newcomers.”

You groaned softly, closing your eyes as if it would relax you but it doesn’t. You desperately wanted to dropkick someone and that someone was the very individual who entered the restaurant. You directed your eyes to his stature as you watched him wave and greet your boss, coworker, and then you. Though he greeted you back, you said nothing.

Of course, he didn’t listen. That was why you were best friends in the past. You can’t deny that the both of you had a lot in common yet still different. But one of the biggest commonalities was being stubborn as fuck and not listening to what anyone had to say. With that being said, it was inevitable that Taehyung would not give up even after you shunned him away.

As you scowled, you became aware of the two men. One on each side of the idol. Their eyes wandered around your workplace, somewhat fascinated by how clean it was in contrast to the dirty outside. As you looked at them, you immediately knew who they were—two of his bandmates, specifically Jimin and Jungkook.

Though your friendship with Taehyung was a bust weeks before his debut, you couldn’t help but support or somewhat follow what the group did. You knew the amount of work that had been made and you appreciated it. You pushed your thoughts and feelings away from that certain member and enjoyed the band and its schedule. You guess you can say you were a fan, but not fully. At least there were six other members to distract you from your ex-best friend. Plus, you didn’t need to tell Taehyung that.

“Ahh, Hyung-nim!” Kenji yelled, earning a smile from the idol. Since when did he get close to Taehyung?

“Halmeoni, it’s nice to see you again!” Taehyung spoke out. “These are some of my friends, Jimin and Jungkook.” The two with him waved at your boss.

“My, my. You always bring handsome friends.” Your boss clapped. “Please sit!” She motioned them to take any seat as it was a slow weekday night. As they settled down, she nudged you and said, “Go help them. They’re handsome.”

“No, please. Let Kenji help them.” You suggested.

Kenji gasped and shook his head, “Why do I have to serve them?”

You gloomed at your coworker’s audacity, “What, isn’t it fine since he’s your Hyung-nim?” He saw how serious you were and didn’t want to experience your wrath, so he puffed and walked toward the well-known idols. Kenji eased his way into the men’s conversation, seeing that their laughter echoed throughout the restaurant.

“___, you should date one of them.” Your boss prompted which made you blink at her. “Maybe Taehyung, he seems to have an e—”

“Halmeoni, I’m busy, remember?” You recalled. “I got all these projects, work—”

“I thought you said you had more time now?” She interrogated you as your jaw dropped faintly but closed it back up.

“Yes, I do…but I’m not thinking about dating right now.’ You peeked over to the side and spoke quietly, “No one wants me.”

Your boss hated what you said about yourself. “Don’t say that, sweetie. You’re gorgeous, a true beauty. Anyone could fall for you. If I could, you’d be dating Kenji by now.”

“Ew, don’t say that. That’s setting me up for ultimate failure.” You grimaced, shivers down your spine. She laughed before walking back to the kitchen.

Eventually, Kenji came back to the both of you with a fresh set of orders, but he said, “___, please ring these up.” He handed you the sheet of orders.

You retrieved them to read but you asked, “Why do I have to do your orders?”

“It’s not my orders, it’s yours.” He shrugged casually and you shot your head back to give him your death stare.

“What the fuck, why?” You complained. “Ken, you know—”

“No, I don’t know, and you don’t tell me shit.” He refused before sticking his tongue out to you. “They requested for you to serve them.”

“They can’t re—”

“So what? Just do it.” He shrugged. You scrutinized your coworker, trying to declare why he was being so adamant then you realized.

“That fucker paid you to make me serve them.”

“Well, I can’t deny the allegations being brought upon me,” Kenji admitted wholeheartedly. “See, when there’s a 100,000 won thrown at you, you take the chances.”

Your eyes grew at the sound of the heavy stipend for a small ask. “You little shit sold me of—”

“___, it’s not a big deal.” Your coworker reassured you, but you weren’t having it.

“Kenji, it is!” You told him, frowning at him. “I don’t like Taehyung nor do I want to see him.”

“Kinda harsh for him to be your best friend.”

“He’s not.” You clarified. “We haven’t been for ages, and I refused him weeks ago to be back into my life.”

Kenji looked in the distance as if his peanut brain worked like magic, “You tell me this or that but not explain to me why. So unless you do, I’m feeding you off to them.”

You let out a whining sound, “You’re being irrational…”

“Better hurry up. Your table’s waiting for their drinks.”

You wished to never speak about it again, but you were actually being desperate right now. Kenji always begged to know what happened between you and the idol to cause this one-sided hatred, but you never let him have his way until now. You’d rather tell him than serve Taehyung again.

“Ugh, fine.” You surrendered, letting your shoulders droop. But Kenji looked back at you with success on his stupid face. “I’ll tell you more about it later, but I’ll tell you in a quick summary.” You spoke briefly about your past with Taehyung. When you told him, it saddened your mood a little, remembering the emotions and insecurities you had about it. It was damaging for you to say the least, but you pushed it aside to not let it get to you in the middle of your shift.

Once you finished, Kenji nodded as he processed what you said. “So you don’t want to deal with him?” You nodded. “And you don’t care?” You nodded again. “___, it sounds like you do.”

You were baffled and offended. “Really? After what I said??”

“Hey, if you don’t care, then you would have been indifferent toward him.” He argued nonchalantly. “Look at you being riled up by even the thought of him.”

Your eye twitched. Maybe it was your pride, or how the younger provoked you. Maybe both. But either way, you wanted to prove him wrong. “I am indifferent to him.”

“Prove it.” He threw more gas into the fire.

“Fine, you’re fucking annoying and lazy as fuck anyway. I’ll prove you wrong.” You crumpled the paper before opening it back up and punching in the order. But while you were doing so, you realized what he did. You frowned as you stared at a shit-grinning Kenji before you. “You’re full of shit, you know that.”

“Shit that molded into a mastermind.” He winked before parting ways, knowing you lost while he gained.

Eventually, you sucked it up and served them. There was no point when your coworker executed some type of reverse psychology on you. You gave him props for that.

However, he did emphasize something. Were you really indifferent toward Taehyung? What was the meaning behind all of that anger and hatred in you? Of course, the way he spoke to you in the past caused you pain, but shouldn’t it be gone by now? People get over it so you should too. It has been almost a decade. You say you don’t care, but why were there so many emotions in you when you see him? What was there to be said? What does being cruel to him lead to?

You didn’t understand yourself, you couldn’t, especially with all that was going on. Throwing this into your bowl of responsibilities and issues made everything a lot more stressful. There was literally no time for you to be thinking about Taehyung, yet, it was prominent in your mind.

You settled the drinks down, calling out who got what. As you were doing so, Taehyung grinned proudly at you before announcing, “Guys, this is ___, my best friend from Geochang. The one I talked to all the time.”

You so badly wanted to yell that you weren’t his best friend, but you remembered—you needed to be apathetic, so you said nothing. But the heavy scrutiny of gazes from his friends brought agitation and shyness. You couldn’t understand why, but they indeed were handsome in person. You assumed it was because they technically haven’t seen you before. Sure, there were a few greets here and there but that was it. A picture, who knows? You and Taehyung stopped contact before you were able to formally introduce yourself.

Their pupils widened and blinked like goldfish. Jungkook had his mouth slightly apart while Jimin covered his with his fist. You furrowed your eyebrows, questioning if this was a good sign.

Nevertheless, you smiled bashfully. “Hi, it’s nice to meet you too. Uhh, Jungkook and Jimin.” You pointed at the respective person. “I know you both from BTS so…”

Jungkook gulped and cleared his throat. “A—ah, yes. It’s nice to finally meet yo—you’re ___?” He asked for verification. “You’re Bl—”

“JK, I told you not to say it. Only I can.” Taehyung chided, refusing for anyone to call you that other than him. Also, why were his friends looking at you like that? It was like they’d never seen a person before.

You rolled your eyes at what he said and you mentally scolded yourself, but fortunately, no one caught it. “Yes, I’m ___.”

“The person behind the calls? The late-night calls at two in the morning.” Jimin included. You grew puzzled at these oddly specific memories, but they were valid. You hesitantly nodded while keeping your gaze on the two.

“You’re pretty, like really beautiful.” Jungkook threw it out in the open. You were taken aback, even stepping back to look at them in disbelief.

Even Taehyung snapped his head back towards his members and was about to say something but Jimin butted in. “Tae, you didn’t tell us she was gorgeous.”

Taehyung opened his mouth, “I—I mean, I—”

“That’s fine, Hyung.” Jungkook interrupted before smiling widely at you. “I mean you do have a girlfriend anyway.”

“Jung—”

“Yup, of five years too,” Jimin smirked, showcasing his award-winning slit eyes in your direction.

Okay, you wanted to walk away from this table immediately. These sentences were uncalled for but somewhat curious. First, two jaw-dropping idols that everyone wanted, called you pretty, though you assumed they were just being nice. You weren’t very lucky in the dating world and you somewhat refused to dip your toes, let alone with idols. Mainly due to bad experiences and being too busy.

The second was that Taehyung had a girlfriend and seemed steady too, considering how long they’ve been together. You knew idols hid things regarding their dating life, BTS included despite their weird rumors between each other which were entertaining as is. So evidently, of course, Taehyung would be one with a secret partner. People always thought he was a handsome charmer back in Geochang and did have many confessions and admirers.

You said nothing and nodded, not knowing how to add to the conversation. “Well, thank you for that. Ummm, I’ll get your orders right after this so please excuse me.” With your chance, you escaped quickly and headed back into the kitchen.

It was a weird encounter, but not that bad. Though your body felt defeated and emotionally drained, you pushed meaningless thoughts away from your brain to focus on your work.

Meanwhile, Taehyung glowered at his starstruck members as they watch you walk away. He didn’t like what they said one bit. How dare they mentioned his relationship to you and also why are they shouting to the world how pretty you were?

“Stop staring at her like that, you perverts!” Taehyung scoffed. “Can you both be any more obvious?”

“We’re not touching, we’re respectfully looking.” Jimin reasoned before meeting his best friend’s upset eyes. “She’s pretty! Can’t blame us.”

“You never showed us a picture of her, nothing on her.” Jungkook pouted.

“I did! Years back!” Taehyung refuted as he crossed his arms over his chest.

“It was a baby picture!” Jimin replied. “And it was only because it was your Lock Screen before. This is different.”

“Whatever,” Taehyung rolled his eyes. “Well, there she is and because of her status as my best friend, there’s no way in hell I’m letting you two get it with her. I know those looks…” Jungkook and Jimin were definitely not dating as they were in their eras. They’ve dated here and there, but nothing was serious and Taehyung will not let you be “nothing.”

“Taehyung, she’s a grown woman!”

“Does it look like I care? No, you can’t.”

“How can you even say that?” Jungkook frowned incredulously. “No offense, but will your opinion even matter to her?”

Taehyung’s frown then turned neutral as he heard what Jungkook said. It was insulting, to say the least, but he had a point. He came here trying to gain a friendship with you, nothing else. But right now, his friends sparked interest in you and he hated the thought. Why? He didn’t want to explain or else it’ll confuse his head. But he knew you hated him more. It didn’t help that he came back after telling him off weeks ago. So whatever you did, you wouldn’t care about him and what Jungkook said right?

He wanted to change your mind, so maybe he had to be on your good side and reminisce all of your memories together. He shouldn’t think about his members, it was all about you.

You came back with the first set of plates, placing them down on the table. Jungkook assisted you by moving it further back for more space in front of you. You thanked him for his gesture.

Taehyung bit inside his cheek before looking up at you, “Blue, do you think you can get me another bottle of soju?” That showed the affection you had for each other.

Indifference, indifference, indifference, you chanted in your head. But you wanted to punch him in the throat as he rejected your wishes to not call you that nickname. “Sure.”

“Make that two, please.” Jimin raised his finger as a gesture. “I would like grape, doll.”

“Of course, I’ll get that for you.” You grinned before walking away.

As you left, Jimin smiled proudly, getting more of a response from you than Taehyung. Taehyung’s jaw clenched, ticked off at everything.

Needless to say, he wasn’t bringing them again.

Over the month, Taehyung has been visiting and eating at the restaurant almost every other day. This past week, he came every day. Sometimes, he was alone, in other instances, he had Seojoon, Wooshik, or both. Once in a while, it was Jungkook and Jimin who flirted with you—yes, you knew and it made you a little less attracted to them but that wasn’t the point. And each time, he tried talking to you while you said very little and kept quiet. He only spoke about your good memories, nothing more. Not once did you hear him speak on what he did, almost like what he did was nonexistent. But it wasn’t, at least for you.

Interestingly enough, when he was alone, he called you Blue. But with his friends, he called your name. You weren’t sure why, but you let it be. However, it was so hard to be.

You didn’t want to talk to him, you didn’t want to serve him, you didn’t want him to call you Blue but look where you were. You did all of that and you let him. You tried to be detached from everything, the past, the present, him, but the rage in you kept fueling up every single time.

Yet you were ashamed that even with refusal, he somehow meshed into your schedule. When he talked to you, he mentioned the past. The good past, the laughter, the adventures, the obliviousness to a now broken bond. You couldn’t decide if they were painful or nothing to you, you refused to say no to either. It was all triggering that it hurt your mind.

You hated that you were distracted by him, you shouldn’t. You weren’t in his life anymore, and neither was he. You had other priorities to think about like your school, your job, and your family back home. None of your priorities should be Taehyung because you knew that you weren’t anything to him anymore, you knew that way before. He got his other friends, his fans, his members, and his girlfriend. You were nothing and that was permanent in your mind.

Still, you grew exhausted by his persistence. Sure, he told you he wasn’t all that well but that wasn’t enough. But looking at the situation you were in, you didn’t know how to approach it without breaking. You thought you could continue like that, but how much longer?

It was five in the morning. The sun slowly rose from the horizon, looking into your tiny one-bedroom apartment. The light cascaded into darkness, gradually revealing the sunny dawn. You enjoyed the view from your broken window you had yet to call the supervisor of the building.

You pulled an all-nighter, trying to finish this education plan as an assignment that was due today. You had no time as you were focused on other projects, so you had to just work tirelessly until the end of this one. After submitting your paper, you had one hour left before you were actually supposed to wake up.

Though with darkened bags under your eyes and a drained body from working last night, you glanced at your three cans of coke, knowing you weren’t going to sleep anytime soon. You tried your best to at least rest your eyes before doing another repeat of yesterday and the days before. At least it was Friday, then after that, the weekend. But you agonizingly realized that you began working weekends as well.

“You’re going out again?”

Taehyung stared at his girlfriend through the full-length mirror in their shared bedroom as he viewed his outfit for tonight. Her expression was dumbfounded by the fact that it would be another night without her boyfriend. He never explained any further of his doings, only that they were with his friends which she knew very well.

“Yeah, with Seojoon Hyung.” He confirmed as he threw on a watch.

“Tae, you’ve been going out a lot recently.” Clara pointed out as she sat on the bed.

“And what about it?” The idol shrugged. “I know you’re busy doing your job and stuff, so think of these times as self-care or me time.”

“True, but I also want time with my boyfriend.” She replied as she leaned into her palms resting on the mattress. “But I haven’t gotten that lately.”

Taehyung’s face twisted before biting his lip. He took a glance at his pouting girlfriend. It was true though. Ever since he found you and wanted your friendship, it was all he has been spending his time doing. He was never home, only to sleep, eat breakfast, and feed Yeontan. Half of the time at home, Clara wasn’t even home as she had her schedule. He barely saw her but didn’t mind it at all. But with her being sad in front of his eyes, he felt a sudden guilt that he hated.

He sighed before clicking his tongue, “I’m sorry. I’ve been busy and a lot has been going on.”

“I thought you would have been less busy, especially with the pause on your group schedule?” She reasoned.

“Nothing really to do with the scheduling.” He mumbled.

The socialite peered at her boyfriend, “Are you really hanging out with Seojoon Oppa?”

He met her piercing eyes, knowing the implications she made. “Yes, I am. I’ve been hanging out with them. We go out to eat every time.”

“That’s a lot of downtimes Seojoon Oppa has, especially for a busy actor like him.”

Taehyung pitched the bridge of his nose, getting bothered by her interrogations. “I’m not cheating if that’s what you’re saying.”

“I’m not saying you are.”

“Yes, you are!” He opposed. “You do that fucking thing. “Are you really?” “Are you sure?” I’m sure I’m not.”

“But you’re always out!”

“Because I don’t like being home!” He explained before grabbing his wallet and shoving it in his back pocket. He did not want to deal with this right now.

“Tae, but I want to spend time with you!” Clara ordered as she stood up, trying to find her boyfriend’s eyes. “I thought the pause would have given you more downtime to spend with me. I’ve been clearing my schedule for you, but it seems for nothing if I’m at home alone. Can’t even go out because no one knows…”

There it was, the regret coming back up. Taehyung didn’t like yelling at her, or even fighting, especially something stupid like this. But sometimes, it was inevitable. You would think that after being together for five years would be easier to manage but it was wrong. So, so, so wrong.

“I’m sorry.” He said before turning his body to look at her. She was really stunning, even in low light, her beauty was emphasized by the shadows cast over her face.

“If you’re busy, I get that but it hurts when you don’t make time for me.” Clara approached frankly. “It was really bad when you were touring and always at the studio 24/7. I really thought this time would give us time together.”

“You do realize that the band’s not disbanding, I’m still busy with other things. These times are for me to feel freer.” Taehyung communicated clearly.

“Yes, I know. Spending time with your Hyungs and members, but I would want to be prioritized too.”

Another blow to his chest as the shame consumed him again. “I do—I—I’m sorry.”

“I know you’re sorry, but actions speak louder than words.” She specified. “Spend time with me, I don’t wanna ask again.” He nodded hopelessly as she wrapped her arms around his waist. “Are you busy tomorrow?”

He opened his mouth but closed it shut. All he had was going to the studio and then having dinner at your work, which was “busy” to him. But the longer he stared at Clara’s pleading eyes, he didn’t want to let her down again. “No, I’m not. We can go to the park early in the morning and walk Tan?”

“Then have breakfast?” Her eyes lit up.

Taehyung scrunched his nose before ultimately nodding, “Yes, I’ll spend the whole day with you. I promise.” It was a big promise, but he had to do it. He had no choice but to.

“I’m sorry I’m late!” You ran into the restaurant restlessly. Your shift started at noon, but now it was close to two in the afternoon. You stopped before Halmeoni looked at you worriedly. “I overslept!”

“How can someone oversleep? It’s 2 PM??” Kenji commented as he grabbed empty cups to fill them with ice.

“Dear, you look paler,” Halmeoni informed, noticing your sunken features. She held your cheeks with her frail callous hands. “You’re even skinnier and I saw you yesterday. When’s the last time you ate?”

“Halmeoni, I’m fine.” You reassured with a tired smile. “I had to finish something last night and the night before, so I slept late, but it’s alright!”

“Sweetie, I think you should go rest for the day. I’ll pay you for the day.” Your sweet boss recommended it, but you denied it as fast as you could.

“No, it’s fine. I also know how busy weekends get for the restaurant and I wanna help.”

She sighed as she squeezed your arms, “If you insist.” You affirmed before getting your apron and tying it over you. While you were distracted, Halmeoni went to Kenji and whispered in his ear. “Keep an eye on her.”

Kenji assured his grandmother before she walked back into the kitchen. As he was about to go to a table, he spotted you grabbing another coke and gulping it down in a hurry. The younger boy pursed his lips, fearing for your health.

You didn’t know how, but you worked tirelessly through rush hour without any breaks. After drinking that can, you had a boost of energy that you haven’t had in a while. It felt so good to feel like you were on top of the world, even if it was temporary. Hopefully, this rush can last the whole night since you had to read an important article for a course.

Once you finished with your last table, for now, you stretched your limbs behind the counter, letting out a yawn. As you opened your mouth, a spring roll was shoved into it, leaving you bewildered as you spotted Kenji biting on another one.

“You need to eat something.” He spoke with a full mouth. “I’ve had more breaks today than you ever did this past week.”

You bit into the roll and munched on it. “That’s because I don’t abuse my grandmother’s leniency like you.”

“But she’ll be more pissed if I don’t rest. Something you should do.” He voiced out, but you responded by rolling your eyes as you finished what was left of the roll. “Don’t overwork yourself.”

“I’m not!” You groaned before wiping your mouth with a napkin. “And I can rest at home.”

“You’re doing the most for no reason.”

“There’s always a reason for what I do.” You pushed forth as you passed by him.

The tarp opened and you looked in that direction, not surprised to see a smiling Taehyung with a Seojoon behind. You were unsure how to feel when you saw the idol’s face, but you can’t help but think about how it was when you were younger. No matter what you did, you’d see that ebony-haired boy with that boxy smile plastered on him every single day. It made your day before, but now…

“Hi, ___!” Taehyung smiled as he walked towards you. Though you stared at him, your mind was elsewhere. He observed your face, you looked weaker despite seeing you yesterday. Cheeks were hollow, the color in your eyes dimmed, and lips were chapped. As gentle as possible, he couldn’t help but raise his hand and pat your head. He grew concerned, especially while he was touching you and you didn’t even flinch, not even tense up once. “Blue, are you okay?” He whispered.

Your daydreaming came to an end when a dull ache pierced through your head. You hissed at the pain, resting your head in your palms and bending forward. You didn’t even realize someone was near you until you felt a hand on your back.

“___, are you in pain? How are you feeling?” The voice was sensed right away. You wanted to move away but you couldn’t. He rubbed your back and you hated that it soothed you.

“I’m fine.” You kneed your face before straightening your posture and stepping away from Taehyung. “Don’t worry about me.”

“But I a—”

“I’m not worried about you, so don’t worry about me.” You mumbled. The pain was still there but you tried repressing it. “Now go to your seat and don’t touch me again.”

Taehyung wanted to say something but he stopped and accepted it. He turned to his Hyung who also looked at you empathically before they went to a vacant table. You walked over to the counter to retrieve menus and a notepad. As you did so, you instantly felt lightheaded.

You probably didn’t drink some water, so for a speedy recovery, you filled a glass of water for yourself and downed it in one go. You inhaled then exhaled, pacing your breathing. You felt a little better, but the headache was still there. You thought you’d be fine for now. But as you took a step, your vision got blurry even having three sets of Kenji walking by. You shook your head, trying to clear your head. You were fine, you were fine.

But you had to walk step by step instead of at your usual speed. You felt getting lighter, but at least your sight was still clear. Once you got to Taehyung’s table, you didn’t notice the concerned look on him as you asked them for their drink order. Seojoon talked for them, but for some reason, his voice muffled like he was underwater while a ringing pinched into your eardrums. You squirmed softly, catching Taehyung’s attention once more.

“___, you don’t look so good.” The idol frowned but you were quick to ignore him.

Not even getting their order, you hummed. “I’ll get them right away.” As you turned your back and walked methodically, Taehyung watched at a distance with growing panic.

“She doesn’t look right.” The idol informed and turned his head at his rather calm Hyung.

“Maybe she has an off day.” Seojoon simply said. “It’s concerning though, but I know she’ll be okay.”

“You don’t know her like I do though.” The idol spoke tensely. “I don’t buy anything she’s saying right now.”

“I guess so,” The older man snorted, shaking his head. “By the way, what’s up with you and her? I know you said she was your friend. Don’t tell me you’re trying to get with her.”

“I’m not cheating,” Taehyung emphasized. “___’s my friend, I grew up with her. Just trying to spend time with her.”

“At her working place?” Seojoon questioned, cocking his head to the side in wonder. “Can’t you just ask to hang out outside?”

“Well, the thing is…she doesn’t like me.”

“I can see that. It’s like you’re torturing her with your presence.” The actor brutally replied. “Why are you making so much effort if she doesn’t want you in her life?”

Taehyung sighed as he tapped his fingers on the table. ”It’s hard to explain, but…she was a big part of my life and I hate that we ended things.”

Seojoon nodded, understanding his youngest friend. “So she was only your friend?”

“Yeah.”

“Really? That’s all?”

“Yes? What do you mean ‘that’s all’?”

The older man was intrigued, only because Taehyung was the type to give up on things so easily, like how he did with playing the trumpet, film photography, working out, and the list went on. So for him to do the most, Seojoon wanted to dig deeper into who exactly you were and if there was more to what Taehyung was letting out.

You finally made it to the counter. That was so hard for no reason at all. You feebly gripped the edge of the table, trying to pull yourself together. You lifted your pounding head and blinked rapidly. Your eyes got hazy and felt a whole lot better and you cheered mentally. Maybe you needed more water.

You shifted your body and reached for a cup when unexpectedly, your legs gave out. Your headache stabbed your mind, your vision fogged up your surroundings, and your head leaned back as your eyes rolled back. You crashed onto the cold hard floor, your body curling in immense pain.

The last thing you saw was Taehyung running towards your body, calling your name before blacking out.

The second you opened your eyes, you gasped and snapped up. But the dulling pain in your cranium continued its presence, making you fold and hold your head. You winced at how badly it hurt, even feeling the tears forming in your eyes.

“Blue!” You weakly opened your eyes once you felt arms and a whole broad chest around your body. You felt him nosing into your hair while his thumbs rubbed circles on your back. “Thank goodness, you’re awake. You had me worried.”

You frowned and ripped him off of you. He was taken aback by your action, but he continued to stare at you with a worrisome look. You glared with a disturbed pout before scanning through your vicinity. The window showed the twilight of the firmament. Judging by the beeping monitor on the other side, a needle inserted into your skin, the bed, and the white cooling room, you were sent to the hospital.

The last thing you remembered was getting a glass of water for yourself and nothing else. Your stress levels were through the roof. Your vision was blurry, you couldn’t move your body, and your mouth was dry. But as if he knew, on cue, Taehyung handed you a glass of water. You looked at the cup and then back to him. Without saying anything, you raised your hands to grasp it but you were trembling excessively which made the idol notice.

He took the effort to lift the brim of the glass to your lips. You weren’t in a position to complain about the gesture so you accepted it. You went forward as he tilted the cup, helping your drink. He didn’t stop until you finished the whole thing, which you did since you were very much dehydrated.

You respired, sitting properly on the hospital bed. Your irises watched Taehyung put the glass down on the bedside table, then sat down back at the table. Though you said nothing, you wanted answers to everything like why was he here.

Again as if he knew, he began speaking, “It’s currently three in the morning. We rushed you here and you were out for more than seven hours.” He scooted his chair toward you until you were within his reach. You could only gaze at him with tired eyes. He too looked like he didn’t sleep. “The doctor said you fainted from dehydration, starvation, and overworking your body. What led you to do that? We were so scared, Blue. I was worried sick.”

You blinked dizzily, not by your condition but by what he said. He was worried sick? Were you hearing that correctly? How fucking bold of him to tell that to you. What was he doing to you? Why was he being kind and sweet like the Taehyung you once knew? This was the same person who hurt you. Why did he do all of this? Why does he even fucking care for you at all?

Mindlessly, you slapped his shoulder to the best you can since you weren’t in the best shape. The smack made him jolt, gawking at you bug-eyed. But it wasn’t enough for you. Smack! He needed to feel pain. Smack! He needed to be hurt. Smack! He needed to feel what you felt all the years before. Smack! During those years. Smack! Now. Smack! Smack! Smack!

“Owww, Bl—Fuck!” Taehyung whined, trying to force your hands away from him. Your lips quaked as you slapped him again and again. “Blue, that hurts!”

“You asshole! Stop it!” You shouted, your skin heating up and your tear ducts swelling up. “No, stop! Stop calling me Blue! Stop coming to the shop. Stop telling people about our past! Stop begging! Stop, stop, stop! Just stop it already!” You hit him once more, but it came out helplessly when the walls in you broke down and the dam exploded. You let sobs as your stature shook, having no control anymore.

Taehyung saw you, shaking his head. He absolutely hated seeing you cry. He innately hugged your weeping form and nuzzled into your hair again. Only this time you gave up pushing him away and took it. “___, please. I’m sorry, I just really wanted you ba—”

“Why would you even? You hurt me, Taehyung!” You punched tiny fists onto his chest that made no real damage before shoving your dampened face to his front. His touch soothed you so familiarly that it pained you at the same time.

“I’m sorry, Blue. I’m sorry.” His body trembled around you. Your hair felt wet, finally being aware that he too was crying.

“You called me a needy little bitch who had no other friends!” The throbbing memory was so vivid you remembered it like it was yesterday.

It has been over a year since Taehyung left Geochang for Seoul to pursue his dream of becoming an idol. His departure was a bittersweet “see you later.” This was the first time you and he would be physically apart, being kilometers and hours away from him.

If you had the chance to, you’d tag along and stay with him, but you had no money and you weren’t as talented as he was. So a simple choking hug, many farewells, reassurance of how much you’d miss and love one another, and a kiss on your temple would suffice.

Every night he’d called to update you on the process and ask how you were with school, which was tough considering your best friend in the whole world wasn’t there for support but you knew he was there for you in spirit.

You astonishedly made a genuine friend to be your buddy throughout high school and you told him. He got jealous. He told you who his members were, even sending you a picture of who’s who and what were they like. Jimin seemed sweet especially since Taehyung talked about him all the time. You got envious, but the both of you knew no one can replace either of you.

However, recently the contact was stagnant. Of course, while he was busy with training and preparing for your debut, you were busy with school and helping your grandparents out. They were getting older, so you tried your best to help around the house and farm. You would call him every night, but it would go straight to voicemail. You texted him, but he wouldn’t reply until days later and the response would be ‘Sorry, been busy.’

You tried your best to understand he has been working hard on this and you were proud of him, but you worried if he was okay. You wanted to know how he was doing or what was happening in his personal life. You just wanted to know. But now texts were rare and phone calls were miracles yet short and under two minutes.

Maybe you were being too much but quickly remembered what Taehyung told you before. It was after that big fight you had. He told you honestly and with solace. Regardless, you decided to give him a little space to avoid being overbearing.

But that only lasted two days because the unexpected happened.

After finding out, you naturally ran to your safe haven—your room—and cried your heart out. This wasn’t supposed to happen. The guilt consumed you, never even saying goodbye because you were at school and no one told you until after. You held onto your soaked pillow tightly. You felt vulnerable, and cold, and searched for comfort.

Then you remembered Taehyung.

You grabbed your phone and dialed his number. There was a ringing, but it went to voicemail. You dialed again. Voicemail. Again. Voicemail. Again. Voicemail. Again. Voicemail. Again. Voi—

“What?!” Taehyung snarled. “Why are you calling me so much?”

“Hyun—Hyungie!” You cried. “I nee—”

“Blue, I’m so tired. I can’t right now.” He groaned and you can imagine him scratching his cranium.

“B—but, it’s import—important.”

“Can’t it wait?”

“Hyungie ple—”

“___, call tomorrow!”

“No, you’re not un—”

“Ugh, seriously. Why are you being a needy little bitch?” He spat through the phone. “I know you have no friends and all, but I’m busy!”

This was the first time Taehyung yelled at you, the first time he was mad at you. He never was like that with you. Those words were hurting you, but you pushed them aside to reason. Your lower lips shuddered in denial, “No, no, Hyungie—”

“I swear, can’t you think about my needs for once other than yourself! Fuck.”

“I do and I’m sorry I upset you, but I need you ri—”

“___, I have to go. Namjoon Hyung is calling us to the living room. It’s important.”

“Hyungie, please. I nee—”

The call ended.

You tried calling back again and again, but he wasn’t answering so you left a voicemail. “Please, Hyungie. I’m sorry I made you mad, I’m sorry. I need you right now. I’m scared and lonely and I want my best friend. Please answer back. I love you. I miss you so much.”

Once you finished your message, you sat in the dark contemplating what he told you. Were you smothering him too much? Were you that needy? But Taehyung reassured you. He always has. But why was he saying it now? Did it finally get to him? No, no. Of course, not. He was your best friend of all time.

Every single day for the next week, you called him as much as possible. But there was no avail. You sent texts and phone calls until you found out that he blocked you. You stared at the screen for a good hour with the little pop-up saying a message cannot be sent.

It hurt so much for him to say that, to do that. It really was how he thought of you. You only ever had him, the person with so many friends, and he was gone. You were too needy, too much to handle. You caved into your body and pulled your knees to your chest as you bawled. His words always meant tremendously to you, and you didn’t realize you looked at yourself in that new light he showed you.

You came to a realization that you didn’t have a best friend. You lost him.

You lost your grandmother and him.

“___, I’m so sorry. They were lies, I never meant it!” Taehyung explained, wiping his nose on his sleeve. “I never thought of you like that ever!”

Your reddened puffy eyes lifted to meet his equally swollen ones. “Taehyung, my grandma died that day.” You swore his face and heart dropped at the information. “She went into a cardiac arrest while picking crops and dropped dead.” You sobbed as more tears ran down your cheeks. “I found out after school because no one didn’t want to tell me while I was in.”

Taehyung cupped your cheeks with his hands, wiping the streaks away but it was pointless. “I’m so so—”

You grabbed onto his forearms, so he could look directly into your eyes. “When my grandma died, I needed my best friend. I needed you, Taehyung!” You screamed and squeezed him with your might. You observed him as he had his lips between his teeth and looked down in shame and remorse eating him alive. “You ignored my text and calls when I needed you the most. But I didn’t have that anymore. There was no one.” You whispered the last sentence, knowing the loneliness you felt for years.

“Blue, I’m sorry. I didn’t know!” His shaky voice was filled with regret and sorrow, not realizing what you’d gone through until now. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t know!”

“I tried telling you! But you pushed me away!! You didn’t give me a chance!” You slapped his chest faintly hard but it still wasn’t enough to break him. He lets you do so because he deserved it. He deserved every hit, every scream from you. He was a shitty best friend to you and he didn’t know the severity of it. “I lost you and grandma that day. It hurts, it hurts so much.”

Thinking you’d hit him again, you surprisingly encircled your arms around his torso and pulled him closer. On instinct, he did the same, tightening his hold. “I lost you. I needed you, Hyungie.”

Streaks went down his face at how weak you sounded and it was all because of him. He hated himself for it, he hated the way he acted at you, you never deserved any of that, but he was an asshole. An asshole to his innocent and sweet best friend.

“You didn’t lose me, Blue. I’m here. I won’t leave, I promise. I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” He promised, then whispered all the apologies in the world to you. A critical promise that he will keep in his heart until the day he died.

You don’t know how long you were in this position, but dawn was soon arriving. The tiny peak of the tangerine shined among the skyline. You watched in tranquility with inflamed irises and dried stains on your features. Somewhere along the line, Taehyung climbed himself onto the elevated top bed and had you in his arms.

At this point, you don’t bother because he wasn’t going to listen and you had to admit that the feeling of him alleviated you like how you recollected. You missed it so much and you maneuvered into his chest.

Taehyung wasn’t asleep. He was weary, but couldn’t sleep. In the meantime, he watched you while you stared out the window. He enjoyed it, acknowledging the yearning to have you back near him. He thought about it before but now, he wanted to beat himself up for ever letting you go. Though the crying stopped with a few sniffles here and there, the pounding in his heart didn’t stop. There was so much to be said, so much for him to ask and beg, all he hoped was that you accepted them.

“Blue—”

“Don’t call me that right now.” You muttered without even looking back.

“Sorry. Uhh, ___.” He called and you hummed in response. “I know I fucked up and hurt your feelings and I regret them. I swear, the last thing I ever wanted was to hurt you.”

“But you did.”

“Yes, I’m aware.” He gulped and exhaled unevenly. “I said the most fucked up things to you and took you for granted. You aren’t needy, you did nothing wrong. You’re innocent. It’s all my fault. I was a dumbass, obnoxious, and selfish. But I want you to know that you never lost me and I’m gonna keep reminding you of that. I promise I’ll never leave you again. I wanna make things right and rekindle our friendship. I wanna ask you for your forgiveness, please?”

Your irises shifted from the view outside to his nervous face. You sighed, then sat up. He followed you and waited patiently yet anxiously for your answer. “I forgave you a long time ago, Taehyung.”

His pupils dilated while his mouth parted, “You did?”

You nodded with pure honesty. “It took me three years, but I did.” You knew he was about to question it, so you quickly added. “I saw that BTS documentary and you talked about the struggles and adversity you all had to face, even with the early termination you avoided and personal life.”

He was shocked to find out that you followed him and the group, which melted his heart, and wanted to know more but now wasn’t the time. So he nodded.

“I forgave, but I won’t forget it.” You stated. “Because, Kim Taehyung, you’ve hurt me so badly that it got me traumatized to opening back up to people.”

It was true. After your friendship broke, you shut down and avoided peers other than group projects. People tried but didn’t get very far. There was no effort due to your lingering fear of disappointment and your insecurity about being clingy. You went to school and then home, sometimes helping your grandfather out. You did have Taehyung’s siblings, but once his family moved, you really had no one.

Other relatives visited you and your grandfather, but that was basically it. It went like this from there until the end of your undergraduate years.

“You took our friendship for granted. Yes, we’ve changed and we’re strangers now…” You spoke like this was nothing but it tore Taehyung on the inside. He never wanted this to happen. “But there’s a scar in me, it’s still here and it’s a reminder.”

“___, you shouldn’t do that. It’s not good for you.” He approached. “The loneliness will continue.”

“But how can I not?” You whimpered with glossy eyes. “I’m afraid, because of you!”

Your words punched him in the gut, wincing at the emotional sting. “S-scars can heal over time, but it takes a while unless you get help.” You furrowed your eyebrows in confusion. “Let me help you heal your scars.”

You leaned back as you fidget your fingers, hesitantly shaking your head. “N-n—I don’t know if I can.”

“I’ll help you! I’ll help you like I always did when we were together.”

“The past—”

“Please. You said it yourself, even if I hate it, but we’re strangers now. It’ll be different this time. We can start fresh, or back to where we left off before I moved to Seoul, I don’t care as long as I have you and our friendship back in my life. I’ll be eternally grateful.”

“You know it’s really hard to start fresh when I think about how we were years back.” You pronounced, still uneasy about the tempting recommendation.

“Then let’s go back where we left off!”

“Can’t help but also think about what you did.”

Taehyung was desperate and felt defeated by your hard and impenetrable stance. But he didn’t want to give it up when he was so close. “Please, ___. I miss you so much. Back then, you were the only person who understood me. You probably still are and I hope that.”

“Please you have your friends and members, your girlfriend, who know you much more than me.” You retorted at his ridiculousness.

“Never, and I know that deep in me.” He said in no laughing matter. You pursed your lips, remembering how serious he can get.

Your pupils moved away to look back at the rising sun. “It’s been years though…”

“Then there’s a lot of time to be made up.”

You sighed, “Taehyu—“

“Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Ple—”

“Fine, fuck! Jesus Christ, you’re annoying.” You burst out, making him flinch. “We’ll do it.“

The angels answered his prayers. The broken pieces of the bond twitched as they’re attempting to find their way back to each other. The flames were about to ablaze with hazard protection the second you agreed.

“R-really?” He asked dumbfoundedly.

You gave a swift nod, “But I will remind you.” You grasped his tendrils firmly and tugged him to you, causing him to squirm painfully. You glared daggers at him with pupils enlarged. “You fucking broke my trust and heart, and this is something you’ll have to earn back.” Your hold tightened harshly, letting him yelp. “I don’t care how many pouts, expressions, begs and pleas you give me. You earn it. Understood?”

“Ye—yes, ma’am.” He replied without missing a beat.

You released your grip and removed your hand away. He groaned at the blunt ache. He knew you were harsh when you wanted to but damn. He was about to touch it, but you yanked his head towards your chest.

You wrapped your arms around his neck before your fingers gently brushed through his raven locks. He flinched, but only because it stung. However, your digits carded through and lightly scratched his scalp. “Did I hurt you?”

The sides of his lips curved, absorbing the tenderness he knew you had even if it was only a small piece. He rested peacefully into you and shook his head. “You could never hurt me.”

Though he never saw that smile on you at that moment, it was going to be okay. Hopefully, there will be more with the reconnection. It was complicated and conflicting, there may be holes. If people found out, they may question it, but they would never fully understand unless they were in your shoes.

The bond was yet in the dark due to lost time. But the reminder of that gravitational pull between you two was consistently there and progressing to its liking. Maybe little by little or jumping through barrels, who knew? All that mattered was that you were separated for almost a decade—

You’d always find yourselves back to one another.

It has been over a week since you and Taehyung had that fight. It really disappointed you that he forgot your parents’ death anniversary, but it bothered you even more that this was your biggest fight yet. You’ve done so much for your best friend and always tried to do what he asked you despite it being uncomfortable sometimes. He knew, he knew you knew. Yet he would still ask.

Asking him this one thing, this one important thing and he forgot it like it was nothing. It wasn’t something you could let off easily with Taehyung’s apologies and his intricate pouts. You had to be a little more stubborn than usual, so here you were—in your room alone on a sunny Saturday morning.

Since then, you haven’t spoken to Taehyung no matter how much he tried. If he did, you’d ignore him like the wind. When he tried hugging you, you pushed him off of you even going as far as throwing him on the grass. It was one of the hardest things to do especially when he lived next door and invited himself over at all times. You hated the distance. You missed him and his presence, but it had to be done for your voice to be heard. An apology wasn’t going to cut it.

He was an insistent pest, calling your name and begging for your forgiveness from every angle you could think of. If only he knew you already forgave him, your heart couldn’t reject your best friend like that.

Today was not like the rest. After your fight—well, even before—Taehyung was your human alarm clock. Right on the dot of six in the morning. But it was the weekend, so it would be nine o’clock. However, there were no sounds or sight of your social butterfly anywhere. It was too quiet for your liking.

It frightened you.

Nonetheless, you went about through your morning. After washing up, you went out on the porch to water the plants. While hosing the pots down, you spotted someone coming out next door in your peripheral vision. You didn’t think anything else of it as it could have been anyone from Taehyung’s family, but then you saw the hue of bold red from his big-ass backpack stuffed as usual.

You shook your head, wondering what he was up to before paying attention back to your foliages and flora. Once you were done, you turned the hose off. You were about to turn away and go back into your house until a certain person came into your vicinity and closed the door when you tried opening it.

“Good morning, my lovely Blue.” He sounded radiant and energized.

For the first time since the fight, you finally acknowledged your best friend by staring at him right in the eyes with your tired and hurt once. The smile on his face grew the second the contact was mutual.

Before either of you could say anything, you pried open your front door. You made it in, but you couldn’t slam it shut as he ducked down and his arms wrapped around your waist then lifting you in the air. You yelped at the sudden action and unfortunately, it came naturally to encircle yours around his nape for support.

You felt him letting go, slipping in his hold which made you grip tighter. But then you noticed him maneuvering his hands under your thighs, putting you in a comfortable position.

“Don’t worry, I won’t let you go,” Taehyung reassured as he kicked the door closed. Though you were secured, you realized the position you were in and what he was doing. Suspicious of him, you wiggled to get out of his hold but he only gripped firmer. “Nuh uh, I got you now, so deal with it.”

You blew out of your nose and pulled a face of disgust. You glared at him intently, but he paid no attention as he walked you toward your room. His face remained smiley, but deep down, he was actually deathly afraid. He wanted you back and hated himself for what he did. He needed to truly make it up after he was a shitty best friend to his sweet true best friend in the whole universe.

Once in your room, he propped you down on your bed. You crossed your arms, avoiding his eyes by staring forward at the wall. There was no way he’d get to you this easily. You had to continue your stance.

You heard him sigh before walking towards you and kneeling in front. He laid his hands on your lap before gazing up, “Blue, please talk to me. I miss you.” You stayed silent, ignoring him. “I’m sorry for forgetting your parents’ anniversary. It wasn’t my intention to, but I did for some stupid party for friends who are no way near important compared to you.”

Your heart stung a little—friends. The same friends he’d go to have lunch with. The same ones who were in football with him. The same ones who invited him to parties and hangouts. The same ones he managed to forget your time with him.

You looked away and batted your eyes to keep the tears away. You didn’t want him to see you cry just yet. It was way too early in the morning for that.

“Blue, I know I can’t apologize enough for it. I’m stupid.” You really wanted to say “you are,” but bit your tongue to keep quiet. “So what I’m trying to say is…” He got up and reached out to hold your cheeks in his palms. “Let’s go have an adventure.”

His sentence threw you off to the point where you snorted and spoke for the first time. “I’m not going anywhere with you right now.” You retorted, slapping him away from you. “If you fucking think that a da—”

“Please, there’s a reason for it! But it’s a surprise.” He quickly countered. His eyes rapidly tried to find your agreement, but there was none…yet.

“Do you even deserve my time?” You spat back, making him internally bruise at your cruel words. You felt guilt roaming in you when you saw how hurt he looked, but you repressed it. “You should hang out with your other friends. I’m sure they’d want to hang out with your surprise. I’ll be fine alone.”

“___,” He spoke quietly. “Please, I miss you. I want my best friend back.”

“But do you even want me back?” His expression grew perplexed and had no response back. “Just forget what I said.” You shook your head. “Leav—”

“I’m not leaving you.” He protested. “This adventure is important, the reason is important, you are important, ___. Please.”

Your jaw clenched as you glared fiercely at Taehyung. He looked back with fear in his eyes. You were always the one in your friendship to get annoyed or angry very easily while Taehyung never did anything back. He was patient and usually the idiot to blame for his antics. He never was mad at you…at all.

Though you were still wary of him, you were curious about what exactly this adventure was. When he said these things, he would have reasons behind them and they were usually mindfully good. He knew he fucked up, so he should know not to do anything that would upset you even more.

“So what should I wear for this adventure?” You asked. Though you didn’t explicitly yes, he knew you were on board with this.

He smiled widely, forming his boxy structure at you that you missed so much. He grabbed your hands into his before sliding his nose on the back of them, just wanting to feel your skin. “Just change and be yourself.”

You nodded before kicking him out of your room. Sure, he has seen you bare (kinda) and vice versa but he was still on thin ice with you. By the time you were done, you had a small bag, fresh pair of going-out clothes on, and an unenthusiastic smile written on your face.

When you both went out of the house and down the front porch, he stopped you. You glanced at him, wondering what did he want. “Before we go, I want you to keep these on.” He grabbed something out of his bright backpack and presented it to you.

It was a blindfold.

You furrowed your brows, a bit disturbed and very confused. You opened your mouth to refuse, but closed it up when you reminded yourself that he wasn’t gonna give you a clear answer. With that, you nodded to let him put it on you. You were too nice to him for your own good.

“So am I just gonna walk blindly the entire time?” You asked once he tightened the fabric around your eyes.

“No, I’ll be your eyes,” Taehyung reassured. “As long as you trust me.” You gulped, staying quiet yet your face twisted at his words. That caused him to frown immediately before intertwining his fingers with yours. “Blue, you trust me right?”

“Of course.” There was no hesitation in your voice. “I always did, but…” You looked down despite seeing black in your vision. You knew he stayed right back at you, you could feel his eyes lingering.

“I’ll make it up, I swear.” He promised, squeezing your hand. You could only hum, but it still wasn’t enough to convince you yet. “Just follow me, I’ll protect you.”

Somehow he managed to keep the blindfold on you for almost two and a half hours despite your begging and complaining. He told you to watch out and helped you step exactly where you should walk in and out of places.

Your other senses were heightened, eventually noticing how you went on a subway and then a bus ride through the sounds of the transportation. Yet you still didn’t know where you were exactly going. Halfway through you gave up and slept through the bus ride with the darkness around you, even cuddling to Taehyung’s side to which he accepted and laid his head on yours.

He woke you up to get off the stop. You were still in a daze, but you let him help you walk down the steps. But to your misfortune, there was still a long walk more to go and you were so tired and hungry. Taehyung linked his arm with yours, careful not to get you hurt. The distance felt so much longer with your eyes covered, you were getting annoyed again.

“Taehyung, how much longer?” You whined, basically dragged yourself.

You heard him laugh, “Just this hill. I promise.”

You were about to complain again, but stop when you wafted the aroma of flowers near. Did he go through all this trouble for fucking flowers? Sure, you loved them but you didn’t think they were enough.

The environment was a soothing stillness though. You haven’t heard others around you for quite some time. Even the bus ride here felt empty. Where was he taking you?

It felt like climbing the hill was over because he finally lets go of you. He told you again to keep the fabric on, so you just waited. You heard rumbling and rummaging through his backpack and other things you couldn’t quite specify.

You took a deep sigh, then you felt his presence near you, in front of you. You felt his hands going behind your head to loosen the blindfold off of you. He slowly removed them to help you adjust your eyes back to the light. You blinked rapidly, taking in a slightly blurred Taehyung before rubbing your pupils.

“You okay now, Blue?” He questioned, searching for any troubles. You nodded as you looked back at him, then turned your head to figure out where you were. In an instant, your irises widened with your mouth slightly apart.

You’ve been here before, exactly a week ago but this time, it was with your best friend instead of your grandparents. Right before your eyes rested the tombstones of your parents side by side. There was a green gingham picnic blanket placed down adjacent to the graves with packed meals and fruits laying on top of the fabric. Two glass bottles of flowers sat perfectly on each side of your parents.

You were completely mesmerized by the sight before you. Your tear ducts couldn’t be saved as tears fell down your cheeks and the sniffles started inflating your nose. Your body throbbed, releasing all the emotions you’ve bottled up until this point.

Taehyung wrapped his body around yours, immediately relaxing you and leaning into him. He kissed your hair as he swayed you both. He knew this would happen, feeling your emotions that he too cried with you as he finally was able to see your parents.

After what felt like forever, the two of you finally settled down and ate your lunch and snacks. You spent the entire afternoon with your parents, talking and reminiscing memories on your part. You explained to them who Taehyung was in your life and how much he meant to you. While you blabbered onto the tombstones, Taehyung’s eyes were only on you smiling at your teary smiles and giggles, enjoying every second of it.

“Thank you, Hyungie.” You told him with a loving smile and a warm hug to the side. “Thank you so much.”

He pulled you closer, bringing you to sit on his lap as he encircled his arms around your waist. You rested your hands over his, tilting your head back. “No need to thank me. I’ve been an idiot for letting you go through that.” He rested his chin on your shoulder as he gazed at the graves. “You’re my Blue; I’ll do anything for you.”

You sucked your lips into your mouth, wondering if it was time to tell him the truth. Maybe he’ll understand you much more, and be aware of how much you felt. “Taehyung…”

You never said his name unless you were serious or mad. He closed his eyes and scrunched his face in fear. “Am I in trouble again?”

You lightly chuckled and shook your head, “No.” You paused for a moment and let it out. “A-are-are you—do you even like that I’m your best friend?”

You turned back to face him, faces a few centimeters away but you didn’t care to dig deeper into that. His attention focused on you. You saw his hesitation, but it wasn’t because of what you expected. It wasn’t of regret or denial. It was something else that you couldn’t quite pinpoint. You’ve seen it before, but you could never figure it out.

“O—of course, why is that even a question, ___?” He finally replied.

You finally faced away from him and viewed your parents. “You’re a social butterfly, Hyungie. You’ve always been. You’re kind and sociable, and you put your heart into every single one of your friendships.” You began, but your eyes were reddening by the second. “You could have anyone as your best friend, but…you chose me.” The salty water flooded your tear ducts and your chest grew tighter.

Concern wasn’t enough to express how Taehyung felt when he saw you crying again. He never wanted to let go. He turned you around so that way you sat sideways as he made you lean yourself into his chest and neck, rubbing your back and letting you sob again.

“Why?” You wept softly, the whimpering breaking Taehyung’s heart. His face creased in puzzlement, still not understanding you. “Why did you choose me? I’m nothing like you. I’m quiet, it’s so hard for me to start a conversation! You’re so popular and fit into every group, and I feel like I’m so far behind you…and…I don’t deserve you!”

Taehyung lets out a sob, stubbornly shaking his head in denial. He pecked your forehead as he joined another crying session. “Never say that again. You deserve all of me as I do with you.” Words injected with sorrow and disappointment. The only disappointment in him was seeing another skin of you insecure about your ten-year friendship that he knew nothing about. He understood what others thought and did to you, but you never mentioned how you truly felt. “Why didn’t you tell me this is how you felt?”

“I never wanted you to feel bad about something you couldn’t control. You’re outgoing, Hyungie; I’m not. I didn’t want you to pity me just because I only rely on you.”

“I would only want you to rely on me.”

“And I’m also younger than you. It may be only by a year but it does make a difference since I don’t see you throughout the school day. Plus you have your football team.”

“I don’t care about that because right after school and practice, I’m excited to come back to you.”

“I’m a fucking hermit crab who likes to stay in and you love partying and enjoying the outside!”

“I love being with my little crab more than being outside.”

“Hyungie—”

“___, listen.” He hushed you, gently patting your hair as he watched you with teary warmness. Leaning into you, he rested his forehead onto yours. The both of you closed your eyes, breathing yourselves into one another. Muted weeping spilled out of you when you listened to him. “It was never, and I mean never my intention to let you hurt like that. I didn’t know how you felt about it. Other than forgetting, was that also why you were so angry and hurt?”

You pouted and nodded. “I feel like I’m losing you as we get older. We’re getting our own values and interests apart from one another you’d want someone who fits more into you instead of this awkward needy recluse. I worry if I’m even a good best friend for you.”

He pulled back, making you open your puffy eyes. This was the most serious he presented himself to you. He breathed in and out before speaking, “You’re never going to lose me. If I do, which won’t happen, I’ll come back with a sword fight to have you again.” You grinned at how absurd he sounded but it all meant earnestly. “We’re getting older, sure, but I don’t want anyone like me. Have you met me?” You chuckled and moved into his chest. “I never thought about having another besides you. You’re more than a good best friend, ___. You’re my Blue and that will never change.”

Your lips quivered at his soft reassurance to you. You were so fearful and nervous about growing apart from him that all that was said overwhelmed you but in the best way possible.

“I’m sorry for forgetting again. Please forgive me.” Taehyung told you again.

“I will always forgive you.” You nodded before you laced your fingers with his. “Even if I’m mad or upset or hurt at you, I’ll always forgive you.”

He diverted his pupils toward the stones. “I’m sorry, auntie and uncle. I didn’t mean to miss meeting you. You have the most loving and tolerant daughter in the universe for being friends with this annoying bug.”

“You’re not a bug.” You cooed.

“Hey!”

You giggled then faded when you had to let something out, “I’m sorry for being so needy. It must be a lot for you.”

“I love you being needy for me too.” He smiled pridefully. “It just means you want me all to yourself.”

You smacked his shoulder, blushing brightly. “That’s not what it means.”

“Yeah, sure, Blue.” Taehyung rolled his eyes as he wiped your stained features with his thumbs. “You better not be needy for anyone else.”

It was your turn to smile cockily. “Why, doesn’t seem a bit much? Maybe I should do it to someone else to take the load off.”

“It’s never too much for me. Give it to only me.” He pouted, tightening his hold to which you laughed. “Remember Blue, no one can replace you. Whether or not I have millions of friends, you’ll be my best friend, my Blue, the only one I want. No one else, I don’t care what others think. My Blue, okay?”

Your mouth curved shyly, then nodded sincerely. “Then you’re my Hyungie, okay?”

“That shouldn’t be a question. I’m the only Hyungie in your life.” He scoffed, baffled at your ask, letting you feel more at ease. “I love you, Blue.” He kissed your temple numerous times.

“I love you too, Hyungie.”

You continued your time there in each other’s embrace, having so much weight lifted off. Solace and comfort remained, feeling alive once again in each other’s eyes. A promise being held so high and mighty to reassure the other that they were the only one in the world for one another.

A promise that may seem broken years later, yet still kept so eminent that no one could even see. Not even you and him.

Tagged: @manuosorioh @kaal-ee @thvxstf

#taehyung x reader #taehyung fic #taehyung fanfiction #kim taehyung x reader #taehyung smut #taehyung angst #taehyung fluff #kim taehyung fanfic #kim taehyung #bts fanfic #bts fluff #bts smut #bts x reader #matcha masterlist

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nartml · 8 months

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Seeing Sakura fans breaking their backs trying to defend her will forever be amusing.

My problem with her, apart from the way she treats Sasuke, is that we get constantly told that she's strong, that she's caught up to them, that she's a badass; and we never see it for ourselves.

Here's the deal, for those who don't get it:

She is constantly made fun of by the narrative. The very moment she thinks that she's caught up, the moment an outsider makes a comment along the lines of how "she's so powerful", or "her feelings for you have deepened and matured", the very next moment she gets bodied. She needs to be rescued. She hasn't contributed almost anything of value, and she's supposed to be a main character.

I hear her fans talk of "Kishimoto is a misogynist", "Sakura had so much potential", "That is just bad writing", but they never consider that it's purposeful.

Her "bad writing" is 100% on purpose. Kishimoto knew what he was doing when writing Naruto, on all fronts, and this idea that all characters have to fulfill their "potential" or else it's a mistake on the author's part is problematic. He doesn't like Sakura. And that is why she only has, like, five good moments that later get overshadowed in some way. That is why her character is an example of "tell, not show".

How many times has she talked about how, "I'll get stronger next time", "I'll be better next time", "I'll never let this happen next time" etc etc, but she never delivers? How many 'next times' is it gonna take? She's consistently depicted as helpless, as someone who's all talk, but can ultimately never put money where her mouth is.

Sakura and Sasusaku fans do the most marvelous job at erasing the characters' canonical personalities in the name of projecting their self-insert fantasies. I've never once seen such blatant character assassination in any other pairing, moreso a pairing that is canon, as in Sasusaku.

Honestly, reading essays talking about how Sakura is "the best written character", hearing people interpret her as a "badass woman who puts Sasuke in his place", seeing others claim that "she'd help Sasuke take revenge against Konoha"? It's hilariously infuriating.

She's foolish, and too caught up in her own romantic, fantasy world to substantially thrive in a reality as cold-blooded as the one she was born in.

And that's all she'll ever be.

#anti sakura haruno #anti sakura fandom #anti sasusaku #anti ss #anti sakura uchiha #sorry if this came off as incredibly harsh #but that's because everything i said is just true. and truth hurts sonetimes.#my anti ss agenda

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lanaevyssmoved · 7 months

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i hope this doesn't come across as an attack, i'm genuinely just curious. on the one hand you say that a fictional character and headcanons for that character or actions/attractions towards that character is never cause for being mean to anyone, but also that people who headcanon astarion to be mentally young and still fuck him are weirdos. i just don't see how it's less 'problematic' to say that you find astarion sexier as an unhealed abuse victim/abuser so you're going to go the ascendant route than it is to say you find astarion sexier when he's mentally underage. both of those things are bad in that they'd be shitty to do to real people, but in the context of fiction i don't understand how one is fine and the other is weird or evil.

for what it's worth i agree with your astarion age opinions! i absolutely think it is weird to be attracted to someone you view as a child! it just feels incongruous with your other takes on fiction.

i think people romancing and sleeping with a character they are viewing as a child/teenager is strange, that's all. i didn't even say 'don't do this!' i just said it's "weird and sus", because i want to help people realise how they are sounding to others, who may instinctively judge them and possibly attack them. at the end of the day, i can't stop people for going against d&d lore for their own preferred headcanon, but what if they're misunderstanding? what if they don't know lore? what if they're just explaining themselves poorly? what if they're just not aware they're making themselves sound this way?

i don't put this on the same level as telling someone they are a terrible person because they say, ascend astarion or keep astarion as a spawn, since we're talking about him, and saying "bit weird you wanna sleep with someone you think is akin to a child". one of these could have dangerous connotations to real life, it could genuinely paint someone has a dangerous person.

i am victim of a romantic relationship where someone picked me because of my vulnerability. to share a bit about myself, i have abusive parents who purposely sheltered me from the world to control me. they did not even allow me to get a job, or to go out and meet people. i was told, from a very young age, that the world will hurt me and they won't understand me (because of disorders i have) and they will keep me safe. they never want me to leave. and thus i have mentally aged 'slower' than i should have. i shan't say more than that, but this person i met, and became aware of this, immediately sought a romantic relationship with me, which led to them using my lack of experience in life and lack of know to also control me, and continue to infantilise me and keep me as 'young' as they could. control my entire life, my money, what i do, where i go, what i dress, everything about me. i know how terrifying it is to be chosen by someone because of 'mental immature', being 'under developed'.

when i think of this, and think of people who choose astarion while viewing him the same way- do you know what i think? "do you realise how much of an abuser you sound like?" you are those people who choose someone due to how easy it would be to abuse them. so yes, i worry these people just aren't aware of how dangerous they sound. i word it like 'weird' and 'sus' because i would never target them with such harsh and powerful language, but i think that alone is enough to make someone think about it, maybe enough to realise they need to change how they talk about astarion, or adjust their pov.

i've had friends come to me in tears because someone attacked them viciously for a choice they made in the game, a choice available to everyone, a choice there because you are allowed to pick it. that they are legit a bad person to their core because they picked something in a damn game. this is no where near the same to me as wanting a sexual relationship with someone you think is mentally underdeveloped. they cannot be compared.

i hope this all makes sense and i didn't miss one of your points, admittedly i don't want to look at this any longer.

#ask #Anonymous #tw abuse #i feel quite embarrassed sharing this about myself #but i feel its important #because maybe youll see where i am coming from easier #and why this is so important to me #what if someone who thinks this way about astarion is someone who would do this to a real life person #it is a scary thought #but i would never assume that of them - instead of i want to help stop this from potentially happening by sharing my pov

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bbygirl-aemond · 1 year

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i was reading a meta about Rhaenyra's relationship with Harwin Strong and about Criston Cole and HAAAAAAA

In history, who is blamed for the dance, at least in the popular imagination, is Criston Cole the Kingmaker, who didn't like Rhaenyra and convinced brother against sister to fight and consequently ending the Targaryen dynasty

I'm pissed and I don't even like crispin cole that much 😭😭😭

The way that history blames him is so unfair like

oh god don't get me on my little criston soapbox ahaha but long story short i fully agree with you. criston is very bitter and has major anger issues, but it frustrates me how much people take his relationship with rhaenyra at face value rather than acknowleding how problematic it really was. i think it should spark some conversations about the double standards we hold men versus women to when it comes to experiencing sexual assault, because if criston and rhaenyra's genders were reversed i think fans' takes would be very different.

i've made a post here about why criston's ability to consent to rhaenyra was compromised. criston is canonically dornish (= poc, subjected to racism by other characters in the show including harwin), lowborn, and poor, while rhaenyra is valyrian (= white), as highborn as it gets, and super fucking powerful and wealthy. and she coerces him into sex in a situation where she literally holds the power to have him killed (if she accuses him of coming onto her) while he has no power at all. and he only takes this risk reluctantly, and under the false assumption that the sex means something. rhaenyra doesn't do this intentionally, but being oblivious to your power doesn't make it okay when you use it to pressure others into sex under false pretenses. like she just did not consider the implications of the power difference and of how much more criston risked than she did. of fucking course he's bitter, and of fucking course he hates her.

and i've made a post here about how and why criston ended up with the greens. alicent gave him a very real purpose and sense of healing after what happened with rhaenyra. she was one of the only characters to treat him like he wasn't lowborn, dornish, and poor. she entrusted him with herself, and with her children, and literally brought him back from the brink of suicide. of course he loves her, and of course he'll do anything to protect her and her children. he raised those children when viserys would not (think of how many times he rightfully gives viserys the stink eye in the show, there's very much stepdad-esque resentment there). and the political threat to them is very much real (maybe i should make a separate post about this, but there's one here that i think does a good job). honestly, the fact that he was defending them against rhaenyra was probably only a small bonus. obviously he hurts other people, including innocent people, in the name of protecting his loved ones- but like so does literally every other character involved in the dance lmao.

long story short: criston's actions were very much based out of a love and desire to defend the family he'd built, not so much around his hatred of rhaenyra, though that was probably the cherry on top of the cake. i'm not surprised history remembers him so poorly though, given how bigoted westeros is towards dornish, lowborn men like him. because how dare someone actually fight for their position rather than being born into it, am i right?

#ask #asks #answered #hotd #house of the dragon #criston cole #ser criston cole #criston #ser criston #rhaenyra targaryen #rhaenyra #alicent hightower #alicent #hotd meta #meta

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theerurishipper · 10 months

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First of all I really like your Felix criticism as it's very well detailed and articulate especially the ship part. Seeing you list what Kagami likes in Adrien made me firm believe that they should have paired her with Luka if they really want her to be in a relationship since Luka shares those traits.

Honestly I argue that Lukagami have more parallels with Adrinette and each other compared to Feligami despite they don't interact much until Determination. Sure it will be in the cliche spare the pairs but it is less problematic and doesn't ruin both Felix and Kagami character arcs.

What do you think?

Thank you so much!

To be quite honest, I haven't actually thought much about Lukagami. I still wouldn't say I ship them, but you do make some valid points! I think Kagami and Luka would have a great dynamic. They both get what it feels like to have the person you love be in love with someone else, so they've got that in common. Aside from that, I think Luka the kind of guy who everyone feels comfortable around and who is able to encourage people to open up. So he'd be a good match for Kagami, who has been taught to conceal her emotions. Despite coming off as cold, Kagami is one of the more emotional characters in the show, so it would be nice for her to find someone who is attentive to her emotions and encourages her to be open about how she feels.

And as for Luka, he doesn't really have much of an established personality and we barely get to see him outside of a role as a love interest/wingman for Marinette, but he seems to focus a lot on other people and their well-being more than his own, which can sometimes lead to him getting walked over. So, Kagami could help him assert himself and stand up for himself. She could help him learn to put himself first. Like how she called Adrien to tell him to stand up for himself, she could help Luka find his self-respect.

But of course, relationships aren't perfect. And one conflict Lukagami might have to deal with could be about what Luka knowing Marinette and Adrien's identities and keeping it a secret from them means. Kagami, if she were in character, would not hesitate to let Marinette know that she knows her identity, so that could be plot point dealing with that, and it doesn't need Kagami to forget what he did and excuse him without holding him accountable, since what Luka is doing is so miniscule compared to the shit Felix has done. They failed to deliver on that in canon, so if you really needed to make Lukagami a plot point, it could serve a narrative purpose if they did that.

I don't know much about the parallels with Adrienette though. Maybe it's because I'm not that informed on Luka and Kagami as compared to Adrien and Marinette. Thing is, Luka and Kagami have only one interaction, which is mainly just talking about Adrienette. You seem to know more than me about this, so I'd love to know what you think, anon.

But yeah, I agree. Lukagami as it is in canon could make for a better relationship than Feligami in canon. My position is that Feligami had the potential to be a good ship, but the rushed pacing squandered it. If they had taken the time to flesh out their dynamic and the development of their relationship, it could have been really good. But they didn't do that, and it cost Felix and Kagami their character development and arcs. In contrast, Lukagami isn't much developed either, but at least it won't turn Kagami into a "girl who fixes the guy" kinda thing, since Luka doesn't need "fixing." And the ship won't come at the expense of their personalities, because Luka hasn't done anything that needs to be erased to make a ship happen like Felix has.

Thank you for your ask!

#MLB #Miraculous Ladybug #Kagami Tsurugi #Luka Couffaine #Felix Fathom #Felix Salt #Lukagami #Feligami Salt #Meta #My meta #Asks

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theramblingsofallen · 1 month

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The Eroticism and Romance of The Case Study of Vanitas

*Spoilers ahead for the anime and manga, 3.6k words

**I apologize in advance for any grammar and spelling mistakes. English is not my native language

Fan service, a common trope in fiction, is used to sexualize situations and characters and is often irrelevant to plot and character development. Some people like it; others do not. I fall on the latter. While fan service is a neutral term, it has created a more polarizing reaction from anime and manga fans. However, this reaction is justified. From the sexualization of young girls to the romanticization of problematic relationships. It is often an unpleasant and frustrating experience to witness. However, despite my opinions, one manga/anime stood out. The Case Study of Vanitas.

The Case Study of Vanitas follows Noé Archiviste, a young vampire sent to find The Book of Vanitas by his teacher. It is a book believed to cause harm to the vampire kind. While traveling to Paris, Noé meets Vanitas, a human doctor specializing in curing cursed vampires using The Book of Vanitas. While on their quest to heal vampires, they fight against Charlatan, a supernatural being who curses vampires. On their adventures, they meet Jeanne, known as the Hellfire Witch. A former executioner turned cadet for a French noble, Luca. When Vanitas lays his eyes on Jeanne, romance blossoms between them, and the sex appeal begins.

The Monsters of the Night turned sex symbols trend began debatably with Carmilla by Sheridan Le Fanu. An influential book predating Bram Stoker's Dracula by twenty-five years. The romance between a human and a monster is nothing new today. However, when Carmilla was published, readers considered the story unusual. The big reason is that the main love interests are women. Not to mention how the vampiress expresses her desire for the main character, Laura. The confident and sexually liberating vampire seducing the sweet, virginal Laura caused a stir. Though not explicit by today's standards, it was still taboo. The Victorian era, where society imposed purity on young girls. Where the public oppressed their sexual desires. The belief that sex is for marriage and procreation, which still plagues our society, was prevalent in Victorian times. Sexual activity still occurred. Frequently.

According to Sebastian Gonzalez Rosario from The University of Puerto Rico, "Vampires were sexualized to strike fear into people of the taboo and sinfulness of sexual behavior, but later, this sexualization became a metaphor for repressed desires, until finally their sexualization caused them to be humanized." (Rosario, Sebastián G. The Humanization of the Vampire and the Dehumanization of the Queer Community. pg. 1). With repressed desire, both Jeanne and Vanitas fit well with that description. Vanitas suppresses the idea of opening up to people and embracing love. At first glance, Vanitas is rude, arrogant, and purposely annoying to those around him. As a child, Vanitas faced pain and abuse. He lost his parents, and the Catholic Church took him in, only for a corrupt doctor to experiment on him. The doctor dehumanized him by assigning him a number, like humans do with their cows. Later on, someone brought a new child for the corrupt doctor to use as a guinea pig. Mikhail. An abused child who was under the care of Vanitas and who never let go of Vanitas after meeting each other. Though Vanitas didn't warm up to Mikhail, he eventually cared for him. One day, when the doctor wanted to use Mikhail for an experiment, he pleaded for Vanitas to help him. To be saved from the doctor, Vanitas made a sacrifice. He asked the doctor to experiment on him rather than Mikhail. At that moment, Mikhail and Vanitas became brothers. Unfortunately, in one of these cruel experiments, the doctor injected the boys with the blood of Vanitas, The Vampire of The Blue Moon, the creator of the book of Vanitas. At some point, the original Vanitas vampire rescued both. Despite their demeanor, OG Vanitas was sympathetic to the children's suffering and adopted both boys. Everything at that point was great. However, all good things must come to an end. The injected blood of the vampire means that both boys will not live long. To save the boys, the vampire offered a deal for them. Have them become vampires. While Mikhail agreed, Vanitas harshly rejected it. He refused to lose his humanity. At some point, Vanitas killed the vampire and their parental figure and took their name. Their parental figure became cursed, and Vanitas killed them before they lost control. For a certain amount of time, Vanitas believed that Mikhail died and was left alone.

Because of his upbringing, Vanitas grew to have an unhealthy mindset toward love. His flaws, as mentioned earlier, are what he uses to distance himself from everyone. It is almost as if he is afraid to connect with someone. He is afraid people would be hurt if they got too close to him. Despite his demeanor, Vanitas is kind-hearted, dependable, and always ready to help and sacrifice himself or put himself in danger. Unfortunately, that means he suffered alone. He suppressed his desire for connection and, in a way, dehumanized himself.

Jeanne suppresses her desire to do what she wants for herself. Jeanne comes across as strict, serious, and intimidating. Jeanne was a former executioner of vampires, her kind. Something that is often forgotten about since, as the story progresses, she is kind-hearted, sensitive, and naïve. It is because it was not her choice. Her family, who adopted her, was killed during wartime. The war between humans and the original vampires that still have tension even after the war. That’s where her teacher, August Ruthven, takes her in and uses her for the benefit of the war, as an executioner. I can’t imagine what she has seen during the war. Not to mention, she had to kill her friend and sister figure, Chloé, after discovering of the existence of the Beast of Gévaudan. She never live her life, the way she wanted to. She never experienced freedom. Jeanne suppressing her desires is dehumanizing her. Even as a vampire, there is still a heart that wants to be caressed and protected after centuries-long suffering.

One anime that incorporates unnecessary and painful examples of explicit fan service is Code Geass. An action-packed, political, and dramatic show contains awkward and sudden fan service moments. A show taking place during a war, dictatorship, and colonization takes painstaking pauses to focus on teenage girls' sexuality. Code Geass incorporates nudity, suggestive posing, shower scenes, and an out-of-nowhere masturbation scene. All of which do nothing for plot and character development. Sometimes these scenes are portrayed as jokes, which makes me uncomfortable. The show had the potential to portray strong female characters, but chose every opportunity to degrade them and make them disposable. Not to mention shoving unnecessary romantic subplots into the story. Particularly with Kallen, a compassionate and loyal woman with strong morals and a highly competent soldier. The creators sexualized her and reduced her to a love interest for the main character, Lelouch. Eye candy for the audience. Shirley, a friend and classmate of both Kallen and Lelouch, whose sole purpose was to be a love interest and nothing else. She has little plot relevance. Not to mention, the official art books the animators created while the anime aired do not help in this case. It's safe to claim that Code Geass does not pass the Bechdel test with female characters such as Shirley and Kallen. Unfortunately, Code Geass is one of the more tame examples of gross exploitation of female characters.

Another anime and game franchise, Diabolik Lovers, involves vampires and is a worse example of using fan service in the “story”. The “plot”, if you are feeling generous, involves Yui, a human girl, who is the sacrificial bride of six vampire brothers by her priest father. The anime constantly subjects the main character, Yui, to sexual abuse and harassment. Even when Yui explicitly rejects and attempts to stop the boys' advancements, they still violate her boundaries and privacy. All of which are without meaningful purposes. No attempt to bring nuanced discussions concerning sex and consent nor to justify including these uncomfortable scenes. Although the “story” is not complete, it is safe to assume the anime will end with Yui marrying one of the vampire brothers or with her death. Although, there are plenty of examples of anime/manga having tasteless fan service moments from Fire Force to Sword Art Online to Soul Eater to Bungo Stray Dogs. All of which are harmful and will continue to infect their stories.

One key aspect of Vanitas’ and Jeanne’s relationship that I enjoy is how vulnerable and intimate they act around each other. They show their true colors. It shows sides of themselves that they don't want to share with others. Vampire bites and drinking blood are often metaphors for sex, and TCSOV is no exception. As Sebastian Rosario puts it, "...The bite is the signature move of the vampire, it is how they multiply, how they feed and how they kill... The bite is the most intimate and sexual encounter one can experience with a vampire, while also being a sort of dance or courtship with death." (Rosario, Sebastián G. The Humanization of the Vampire and the Dehumanization of the Queer Community. pg. 16). The bite of a vampire brings pleasure the same way sex does. It's as intimate as sex. The first bite occurred early in the story. In episode four/chapter eight, Vanitas witnessed Jeanne in a difficult position as she had not had a drink of blood for a while. She clutches her chest as the pain spreads throughout her body. Giving an almost sick appearance. The lack of blood made Jeanne fall ill. Vanitas offered his blood for her to drink. Not to help her, but more because he’s curious about what it is like to be bitten by a vampire. Also, by stating, "There's no reason". In desperate times, she accepted his offer. Once her fangs pierced into his skin, they gave in to one another’s needs. Vanitas clings on to Jeanne's dress, and she clings on to his shoulders. Feeling each other's heat as the moon shines. The mixture of pleasure and pain clouded their minds. Their soft moans, rosy cheeks, and warm blood dripped out of his neck and into her mouth. As Vanitas says softly, “This isn’t so bad after all.” As American singer-songwriter Madonna puts it, “Only the one that hurts you can make you feel better. Only the one that inflicts pain can take it away." (Madonna, and Shep Pettibone, Erotica.)

During their first date, Jeanne gets tempted to drink the blood of a child who scraped their knee nearby. Jeanne got to safety in a secluded building with Vanitas before anyone got injured. Vanitas confronts Jeanne with a question that has bugged him since he met her. Is she a curse-bearer, or is she addicted to drinking blood? However, she hesitated. It is almost as if she is forced to be silent as she becomes out of breath and her hand grips her throat. Instead, he offered his blood to her to feed her craving. However, instead of focusing on the physical aspect of the blood-sucking scene, there is an emotional element added. During the blood-sucking scene, Jeanne begins crying during the act. She expresses that she fears losing herself and hurting the ones she loves. Afraid that this "illness" could corrupt her and take control of her. Killing her loved ones is what she fears the most. He comforts her. "If that time comes, I’ll kill you. I promise… I’ll kill you. I love you. I’m the one who’ll make your wishes come true. It has to be me. So, Jeanne… there’s nothing to worry about.” (Episode eleven, "Promises.") In his twisted way, this is how he shows his love. This is his confession. He will be the one to save her from destruction. He will make the ultimate sacrifice to save herself. To which a tearful Jeanne agreed. He shall take her life if needed. She finds comfort in his words. However, it makes sense. In a way, Jeanne seeks an escape from everything. From her illness, her responsibility, and her isolation. It is where I fell in love with their love.

We all like to be taken care of, to be treasured. But by a vampire? Yes, to me at least. Monsters are representations of what the public fears at the time. For example, vampires are often represented as diseases nobody knew how to treat and death. However, despite their representation, people are still loving these monsters. A film that reminds me of this phenomenon is The Shape of Water, directed by Guillermo Del Toro. In the film, we follow Elisa, a woman who works as a janitor at a secret government facility and happens to be mute. One day at work, Elisa finds a humanoid amphibian who is treated horribly by scientists in their laboratory. So, she decides to meet him in secret and forms a friendship, and later on, a romantic relationship. Though I understand why someone may not like this dynamic, I find it sweet. The idea of a creature who is dangerous and can harm you, yet is neither and rather sweet towards you sets my heart aflame. Not to mention, oftentimes monsters are interpreted as minority groups, and seeing characters that are an oppressed minority group feeling comforted, loved, and protected around these monster characters makes me feel seen and loved. Especially since I am a part of a minority group. The possibility of love is still there for people like me. A place where you can finally find a connection in a world that seems like it hates you, you find love with someone you can relate to and feel happy.

A similar scene happens in episode fourteen/chapter twenty-seven, after losing a battle against The Beast of Gévaudan. A dangerous mystical creature whom Jeanne used to fight against but never killed. Jeanne finds Vanitas injured because of taking a hit for Jeanne. Despite his protest and insistence that Jeanne leaves him behind, she refuses and takes him to an empty cabin with her. Unfortunately, with the uncontrollable shivering and flustered, reddened cheeks, Vanitas became ill. So, how does Jeanne take care of Vanitas? She suggested they disrobe and cuddle in front of the chimney. It makes sense since the snow has soaked both of their clothes. Plus, the story takes place in the late eighteen hundreds. Vanitas, usually one to flirt and tease, was shocked and flustered by her suggestion. But he obliged. As they snuggled in front of the chimney, a warm blanket wrapped around them, Vanitas developed a fever. Jeanne quickly gets water for him to drink. Vanitas stubbornly refuses to drink the water. With Jeanne wanting to slaughter the beast and Vanitas wanting to save it, he encourages her to leave him behind. He insists that she should focus on her goal rather than nursing him back to health. Jeanne, being equally stubborn, refuses. Without thinking clearly, she came up with a plan to make him drink water. A good old mouth-to-mouth.

There could’ve been other ways to have him drink water, yet she chose the mouth-to-mouth method. Interesting. Especially since Vanitas is usually the one being the “dominant” and flirty one. An interesting twist, though. This event reveals a lot about them. One, Vanitas was willing to sacrifice his well-being for Jeanne to achieve her goal. He never asked for her help. Second, Jeanne, despite having a different goal regarding the beast and who has slaughtered hundreds and thousands of vampires, is not a cold and heartless person. He saved her life, so she will save his. They do care for one another.

Another aspect I appreciate about their relationship is it is never explicit. There are no actual sex scenes, no nudity, no groping scenes, non-con content, and no hyper-fixation on Jeanne's body. As I mentioned with Code Geass and Diabolik Lovers, both shove fan service, which is unnecessary and downright uncomfortable to watch. All of which are absent in The Case Study of Vanitas. I appreciate how the story does its best to restrain itself from showing explicit sexual content. I hope this continues as the mangaka continues to write her story. However, I wish the mangaka had not included those elements in TCSOV.

One of the most powerful scenes in the anime/manga is when Vanitas is confronted with his feelings towards Jeanne. After Vanitas helps save Jeanne's long-lost friend's life, she thanks him with a kiss on his cheek. A small affectionate gesture that had an impact on Vanitas’ psyche. Especially when she turned around and blessed him with a beautiful smile. Vanitas realized he fell for her. Something that he was afraid would happen. As in the next episode/the next chapter, when Noé finds Vanitas feeling “sick”, Noé seeks medical help. However, when describing his symptoms, none of them aligned with an actual illness. As Vanitas describes his symptoms, “…My face has always flushed and my heart feels like it’s trapped in a vice. It’s been beating out of control”. (Episode twenty, "The Incurable Disease.") To him, it is a curse. Jeanne put a curse on him. Later on, he bumped into Roland, a vampire executioner for the Catholic Church, where Vanitas was taken as a child. Vanitas nervously asked Roland for romance advice without revealing who he was smitten with. After describing Jeanne in his unique, poetic manner, Roland concluded that Vanitas was in love with Jeanne. The revelation made Vanitas revolted and heartbroken. In his words, “How could it be possible to love a person like me?” (Episode twenty, "The Incurable Disease.") It was all a game for him until it became too real. This is keeping the theme of Vanitas’ self-hatred and his idea that he doesn’t deserve love.

Meanwhile, a similar scene occurs, where Jeanne realizes her feelings for Vanitas are genuine love. In the same episode (Episode twenty, "The Incurable Disease."), Jeanne was with her master, Luca, to tell him the events that happened when fighting the beast. During the conversation, she mentions that she couldn’t stop thinking about Vanitas. The more she talked about him, the faster her heart beat. Afterward, she realizes that she is in love with him. Interestingly, she mentions that she’s afraid that the next time she meets him, she will want to consummate their relationship. Despite Luca's and her friend, Dominique's insistence that her feelings for Vanitas are not genuine and that Vanitas isn’t worth loving, Jeanne insists. She loves him. In her eyes, he’s a good person, she loves him. Her first step is to doing what she wants without worrying about pleasing others or being useful to others. However, despite her love, she wouldn’t want a relationship with Vanitas because she believes Vanitas wouldn’t pursue someone who is attracted to him. He likes a chase. In episode six ("Love"), Noé asks Vanitas why he likes Jeanne. He explained that he likes how strong, kind, and beautiful she is. He added that he is not attracted to someone who would love him. Though this is about to change soon, I can feel it.

Unfortunately, Vanitas and Jeanne do contain problematic elements in their relationship. After their first fight in episode three/chapter four, where Vanitas defeated Jeanne, he forces a kiss on her in front of several people, including Jeanne's master. Jeanne did not process the kiss and had no opportunity to stop him. An ugly start to their romance. It is unclear whether it is for comedy or to use the trope of love at first sight. Regardless, it is only the beginning. Jeanne and Vanitas have a relationship based on an unofficial contract where Jeanne can only drink Vanitas' blood in exchange for his silence. He will not reveal Jeanne’s medical condition to her master. Nor will he mention the mark that Jeanne accidentally placed on Vanitas’ neck during their first bite. Wanting to avoid conflict and worry from her master, she begrudgingly agrees to the agreement. Twisted as it appears, Vanitas disguises this as blackmail. In the end, this blackmail also benefits Jeanne. In a world where people are afraid of vampires and where Jeanne has a medical condition, Vanitas will always offer her his blood. She can always rely on him for a quick fix. We can also claim that the cabin scene is non-consensual, since Vanitas had a high fever and Jeanne took advantage of him. He did not get the chance to consent to the kiss. Though, even then, it was to nurse him back to health. Regardless, I was disappointed that the creator included these elements in their relationship. But it has gotten better over time. I believe the emotional aspects override the problematic elements of their relationship. Not to mention, there will be more opportunities to explore their love.

Despite the questionable aspects of their relationship, the eroticism and romance between the main characters of TCSOV bring nuanced discussions. It is not a perfect representation of a healthy sexual relationship, but it is heading in the right direction. And it works well for both characters. I believe it will be a tragic and passionate romance to remember fondly for years to come. Similar to that of Romeo and Juliet or Beauty and the Beast. At least, I have high hopes for them.

In conclusion, I love vampires. Where can I find one nearby? There’s no real point to this post. I just like to ramble after all.

———————————————————————

Citations:

Madonna, and Shep Pettibone. "Erotica." Erotica, 29 Sept. 1992.

Rosario, Sebastián G. The Humanization of the Vampire and the Dehumanization of the Queer Community. 2021. University of Puerto Rico, MA thesis.

#the case study of vanitas #tcsov #ramblings #anime and manga

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yeetlegay · 2 years

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Shifting power dynamics in episode 4: a stupidly long meta

I've already talked about episode 4 in two different posts, a vocal analysis for Kinn and an analysis of the ownership/possession motif in eps 1-4. Even with those two posts (which I wrote and posted in the span of like 48 hours, rip my brain), there was still so much that I wanted to talk about in episode 4, so here goes my third meta of the week. Buckle up besties, this is a LONG one.

Disclaimer: I don’t want to get into the whole dubcon discourse piece of this. I get that people have Opinions, but I am here for shenanigans only and I think I’ve answered the amount of asks about it that I really care to. To sum up: I don’t mind dubcon in fiction! I can get behind just about any fictional relationship no matter how problematic as long as they give me a compelling story with compelling characters and the problematic elements serve a narrative purpose and are handled well. Fiction, for me, is ultimately just that: fiction.

With the above disclaimer in mind, this post isn’t so much about power as it relates to consent, but about how power made a pretty dramatic change of hands in this episode, and what I think that means for the story to come. I’ll be focusing a lot on body language, but also on how certain scenes and shots are framed, and referring back to my vocal analysis a lot so I don’t end up just rehashing what I said there. Fair warning, my background is in sociology, specifically micro, so I tend to run away with details when talking about this sort of thing lol.

I talked about this here after episode 3, but as I hoped, that kiss on the pier (which didn’t happen in the book) completely altered the build-up to their first time.

That kiss on the pier is actually kind of genius bc from the preview we know they’re still doing the roofie scene, but by having them kiss before that (albeit a little drunk) they’ve given a totally different context to build from. Kinn and Porsche have already had a moment where they acknowledged their attraction to each other, even if it wasn’t out loud, so it means when that scene does come, it’ll be clear for both of them that even if the drug is affecting Porsche, it’s not actually making him ask for something he doesn’t already want.

This doesn’t take away from the fact that it’s still dubcon. (Again, not getting into it, but wanted to make sure that’s clear.) But it means a lot for how both Kinn and Porsche approach that moment through episode 4.

We open with Porsche waking up the next morning, vaguely remembering a kiss and not seeming bothered by it, more intrigued than anything else. Mirror that scene, where Porsche more or less shrugs off the encounter, with Kinn’s morning. He’s looking at himself in the mirror, lost in his thoughts, conflicted and confused by what happened the night before. We realize later on that some of that confusion is because he gave Porsche an intimacy that he doesn’t seem to give anyone else he’s involved with: a kiss. His internal turmoil isn’t just because he’s attracted to Porsche, which comes with its own problems, but because he wants him in a way he hasn’t wanted anyone in a long time, maybe ever. The kiss, and even the fact that it didn’t go further, is proof of that.

Kinn's body language in this scene is...unusual. When do we ever see his shoulders hunched forward like that, leaning his weight against something? It ruins that perfect, confident posture and makes him look more vulnerable. We're also seeing him shirtless, which obvs yay for Kinn tiddies, but we haven't really seen that a lot from him either. He's always wearing a suit, casual clothes, even a fancy pajama set that makes him look like a sexc grandpa. But we're literally seeing him more or less naked here (the towel doesn't want to be there either, bless it), stripped literally and figuratively. He doesn't look like a powerful and untouchable mafia prince here. He looks conflicted, fallible, and painfully human.

@luckydragon10 wrote a little meta about the use of mirrors here and even though that post is about a different scene, she brings up the GREAT point that we have yet to see Porsche in a mirrored surface by himself. Kinn, meanwhile, is here in this scene fully exposed, staring directly at his reflection. I'm not a color theory expert AT ALL (that would be @antique-forvalaka) but the gold sconces are very eye-catching here; since gold is the mafia's color, maybe that's a hint as to where Kinn's headspace is at in this moment.

But anyway, my point is that we're seeing Kinn's confusion and inner conflict here very clearly. We see how seriously he's thinking about the previous night, how much it presses on him. That wasn't "just a kiss" for Kinn. The mirror, the body language, the slightly vignetted flashback, the music choice, the lack of clothing, all tell us Kinn is feeling vulnerable in this moment over that kiss. Which by extension tells us quite a bit about how much he feels for Porsche already.

Moving on to the cigarette lighter scene (idk what else to call this lol).

The blocking here is interesting. I don't want to read too much into it, but notice how Porsche is in the foreground, the sunlight angling down from the top right toward him. His hands are crossed in front of his stomach, making him look casual but reserved, as though he's placing a barrier between him and Vegas. He doesn't fully angle his body toward Vegas, just leans his head in a little. Vegas, meanwhile, is standing with his back to the light and is a step or two further away from the camera. He looks physically smaller, which he is, but the shot exaggerates it just a little. He's reaching his whole arm out, staring at Porsche, bringing the lighter right to his mouth, his torso open but angled away a little like Porsche. And the shot doesn't fully capture his body like it does Porsche, cutting off an arm and part of his shoulder.

This shot centers Porsche, makes him look powerful. Everything in the shot leans into him—the lighting, the camera, Vegas himself. He doesn't look like Vegas's equal; he looks like his superior.

I'll also say the optics of Vegas bringing the light to his cigarette is a neat little metaphor for how Vegas not only approaches Porsche with malicious intent (fire is, uh, kind of bad unless it's in a fireplace or a BTS song), but how he also brings conflict to Porsche and sets off trouble between him and Kinn.

(Also once again referencing @antique-forvalaka's incredible color theory series because look at all the green in this scene. Porsche literally has a wall of green behind him, which as noted in her post here seems to indicate danger.)

I told y'all I was gonna dig into this episode, didn't I? 😂

This shot of Kinn feels odd, doesn't it? We're not used to seeing Kinn hide. In fact, aside from that gunfight scene in episode 1 when he (very understandably) ducked behind some boxes to avoid getting shot, I can't recall him ever being an observer or hidden presence in a scene. When he's on the screen, everyone knows it. It's hard to fit his power and charisma into a room.

But here, he looks...small. He's outsized by the rest of the frame, surrounded by (interestingly imo) an awful lot of glass. The plant in the foreground adds to this effect (and once again, it's green!), and even though he's in focus, he still feels almost like part of the background.

Kinn just doesn't do this sort of thing. He doesn't make himself smaller, he doesn't eavesdrop, he doesn't sneak. And yet here he is, trying to be invisible, all so he can watch Porsche and Vegas together, all because he's jealous and out of his depth.

The pool scene is really where we get the first big flashy sign that that something is shifting in their power dynamic. I chose the screenshot above as an example of what's happening here, but I could've picked like 20 different frames that give the same information from a different angle.

Look at their body language first. Porsche, standing tall, shoulders back, looking relaxed and comfortable, if a little annoyed. He's taking up space, arms at his sides swinging a little carelessly as he turns. He's looking at Kinn over his shoulder, body angled away from him, ready to leave, not at all cowed or diminished by Kinn's attempts to scold him. Honestly, he looks like he's only barely stopping himself from rolling his eyes.

Then we have Kinn, one hand in his pocket (does he usually put his hands in his pockets? I feel like I haven't seen him do it very much but no time to go back and comb through 3 episodes to find out), the other hand resting a little awkwardly on the railing. His whole body is directed at Porsche, chin tilted up when he usually keeps it tilted a little down, which adds to his usual aura of understated power. Because of this angle, his figure is much narrower than Porsche's. He takes up much less space in the frame.

Now look at their backdrop. Porsche is standing in front of empty space, buildings framing either side of him but not crowding into his figure directly and making him look compressed. Kinn, meanwhile, is standing almost directly in front of what looks like a skyscraper in the distance, with other slightly shorter buildings closer behind him. The effect is stark when you notice it. He's crowded in, almost dwarfed by that backdrop. He looks even smaller with that tall building stretching over his head.

And I'm not done! I saw some discussion about mirrors and reflections this week, although no full meta posts that I've come across yet (please link if there are any, I'd love to read it!). But look at their reflections in the water in this shot. It exaggerates what we see even further. Porsche is bigger, wider, more clearly defined, while Kinn is smaller, narrower, and and more vague.

That's not even touching on the dialogue, which is a whole thing in and of itself. I talk more about this in my vocal analysis for episode 4, but basically Kinn is messy in this scene. He doesn’t have a plan for what to say to Porsche when he gets there and it shows. He uses filler words, he hesitates, he fumbles for what to say. He calls out after Porsche (”Wait!”) with none of his usual authority or confidence. Kinn is out of his depth. He wants to know what Porsche is thinking about the previous night, but he doesn’t know how to ask. If Porsche’s answer didn’t mean so much to Kinn, he’d have less trouble asking for it. (I’m reminded for some reason of that quote from Emma: “If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more.”)

All of this gives us the overwhelming sense that Kinn is the one standing on sand in this scene. He’s the one floundering, trying to make sense of that kiss, trying to behave like it doesn’t matter while at the same time seeking Porsche out the first chance he gets to talk about it, to determine what to do based on how Porsche is reacting. If he’d already decided to forget the kiss happened or brush it off and move on, he wouldn’t need to talk to Porsche first thing the next morning. He wouldn’t need to couch his questions in vague terms. In doing both of those things, he’s giving Porsche power, power to determine how Kinn feels, how he acts, how he interprets that kiss.

After the scene by the pool, Kinn has his feet under him a little bit. Now he knows where he stands with Porsche. Even if his feelings are still confused and chaotic, they’re his to deal with alone. He doesn’t have to worry about Porsche’s reaction, about how Porsche’s perception of him might have changed. He knows he made himself vulnerable with Porsche through that kiss, and he’s relieved Porsche doesn’t have the memory to turn over in his clever head until he figures out what it means.

So here in the sauna he’s more relaxed, settled back into his skin. That confidence and charisma is back. He fills up the screen, makes Porsche be the guest in his space, even though Porsche was there first. And he wants Porsche to stay, despite how affected Kinn is by him. Simply put, he likes Porsche’s company. He still feels that pull to be around him even if it doesn’t help his feelings resolve themselves.

I go back and forth about the framing in the first part of this scene. Porsche is still in the forefront for the most part, but Kinn is just as much a focus point as he is despite not being centered in the shot. The height of that upper seat gives Kinn an edge. He chose it on purpose, to be above Porsche. He spreads his arms wide and relaxes, but his legs stay crossed as opposed to Porsche, who spreads his whole body wide. Kinn is still, on some level, making himself a little smaller, drawing in, even as he tries to exude his usual controlled power.

And Kinn is the one to look down at Porsche, to start up a conversation, to open up a path for them to talk casually. He’s the one who, almost immediately after that conversation begins, gets down under the guise of adding more water, just so he can sit next to Porsche, be level with him, close to him, equal to him. He’s the one who asks about Porsche’s little brother.

Again, I go into the dialogue more in my vocal meta, but basically what he’s doing, as the scene goes on, is a form of mirroring. This is a way of echoing people’s speech patterns and mannerisms to make yourself seem more likeable to them. It’s a very natural, unconscious social behavior that we do from a young age. The fact that Kinn does it so much with Porsche is telling, because he doesn’t seem to do it much with anyone else. He’s used to being the one everyone else mirrors, being the star at the center of his solar system.

His body language, when he sits down next to Porsche, enhances this effect. His arms are again spread wide, legs uncrossed now, his head turning again and again to look sideways at Porsche, which in the process of trying to appear unaffected, makes him look even more affected. Porsche meanwhile keeps his arms at his sides or bent at the elbows against the upper seat, and he doesn’t turn his torso toward Kinn to talk.

Essentially, Kinn is trying every trick he knows to find intimacy with Porsche, not even physically but emotionally. And in doing so, he’s giving up some of his power. He’s letting Porsche in, despite his rational instincts telling him not to.

And then this dumbass, so easily pulled into Porsche’s orbit despite Porsche doing literally nothing to encourage him, starts nosing around Porsche’s love life. I’m gonna make fun of him for this forever, because it’s just so hamfisted and juvenile. “You being here doesn’t make your girlfriend angry?” “If you were a girl, would you like a guy like me?”

Absolutely humiliating and I hope when Porsche realizes later on what those questions were about, he teases the fuck out of him for it.

But his approach to Porsche, stupid as it is, shows that despite how confident he is in everything else, he’s really kind of shit at communicating in general, and even worse at flirting. He just can’t help himself. He gravitates toward Porsche. Even after seemingly finding some sense of closure on that kiss in the previous scene, he’s still giving into these little urges to know more about Porsche, to poke around for possibilities.

A little note: I don’t have room for a screenshot, but the first shot of the sauna scene has Kinn peering through a narrow glass window into the sauna. It makes him look smaller, surrounded on all sides by a fuckton of wood. I just think that’s interesting.

A second little note: When Porsche is staring at him, leaning in for a kiss to faceplant on his dick, Kinn doesn’t move away. He’s once again letting Porsche lead, hoping Porsche will make his own feelings clear somehow.

So I’m actually not gonna talk about the Kinn/Vegas pissing contest scene because while Kinn and Porsche are both present, I’m more interested in discussing how their dynamic is shifting just between themselves. Kinn behaves differently in this scene, much more like his usual self, because they’re not alone. If you want to hear a bit of my thoughts on the scene though, I do discuss it in my other two ep 4 metas (linked at the beginning of this post) a little more.

But I do want to talk about the scene above. Once again we see Kinn hiding, eavesdropping on Porsche’s interaction with someone else. We see him through all those little flecks of gold (once again, color theory taking over my brain lol) as he listens to Porsche tell Big off.

The thing is, why is he there? Why does he leave that guy (I’m calling him Angel since we don’t have a name for him yet) alone in his room to follow after Porsche? Is he planning on stopping Porsche, and if so, what for? To ask him if he’s okay with Kinn being gay, to scold him, to say it wasn’t what it looked like, or something else?

I don’t really have an explanation tbh, and maybe that’s intentional on the writers’ part. Maybe Kinn just had a gut reaction to follow Porsche, without knowing why. And by following him, once again he’s playing into that power shift, instinctively chasing after him to find out what he thinks and feels, concealing his presence when it means he can watch Porsche and potentially understand him better.

This scene is more about Porsche and establishing his lack of homophobia than moving Kinn in any particular direction, but it still tells us a little bit about Kinn. He hasn’t managed to smother that need to follow Porsche, to hear his thoughts and feelings.

We then jump from the “hiding in the curtains” scene into a scene with Pete and Porsche where Porsche realizes Kinn was the one he kissed. I think it’s interesting that he asks the question “Can two people who don’t like each other/aren’t a couple kiss?” (Something might be getting lost in translation here, as Porsche seems pretty well-versed in casual sex so it wouldn’t make sense for him to clutch his pearls over a kiss between two people who aren’t in love or a couple. I’m wondering if by “like” they just mean “are attracted to” or if it does connote Feels.)

That little scene sets us up for the shirt-off scene (I genuinely don’t know what else to call it lol). I know this has had a lot of people kind of confused and I personally got some questions about it (@ladyoftheinternet and @biochemjess are the ones I remember but I may be forgetting someone else).

I don’t know if I have any genius insights to offer lol, but I do think we can chalk up some of the tension in the first part of this scene to just straight-up awkwardness. I mean, the last time they saw each other Kinn just about had his dick in someone else’s mouth. I’d be a little awkward too the next time I saw him, no matter which character I was in that situation.

I do think it’s interesting that Kinn, when he first walks in, is very much inhabiting his usual self-assured, charismatic prince persona. He’s not bothered by Porsche knowing he’s gay, and he’s probably trying not to be awkward about what Porsche saw, so there’s a little bit of cover-up happening here too. I think we may be getting so used to him being different around Porsche, softer, more dynamic, less well-controlled, that when we see him stepping back into his typical aura and mannerisms, it feels wrong somehow, like a kind of tension or stiffness. If you compare the Kinn in the first part of this scene to the Kinn in episode 1, there isn’t much of a noticeable difference.

That’s how we know he’s lying through his teeth and with every part of his body.

I’d love to hear other people’s thoughts on what makes him feel the need to make that shift, to try and regain the upper hand with Porsche. I suspect there are a lot of different contributing factors here, such as:

Porsche saw him a little more vulnerable (crucially, without Kinn’s consent), talking about how he has something on his mind, seeing him shy away from kissing Angel.

He’s approaching Porsche now to inform him he’s been traded back to Kinn. We don’t know how that decision happened or what Kinn did to get him back, but I doubt Tankhun was easy to convince. So some of that emotional/mental journey from the bedroom scene to now might simply be missing.

This scene also reminds me a little of earlier by the pool, when Kinn is posturing and trying to seem nonchalant and in control in front of Porsche, all the while reeling inside. Kinn is a little more secure now, but as he said himself to Angel, something’s been bothering him. He’s just gotten better at hiding it from Porsche.

Interestingly, Kinn is once again approaching Porsche, seeking him out, even as he works to exude that usual power and ease. He enters the scene with the intent to treat Porsche like he would anyone else.

But Porsche isn’t on the same wavelength. He greets him casually, not like his boss, slumping and smiling a little self-deprecatingly, making a joke about Kinn always catching him lately. He’s ready to pick up where they left off in the sauna, comfortable and friendly.

When Kinn tells him to stand up in that firm, controlled tone, you can see the way Porsche shifts into a different mode, basically thinking, “Okay, so it’s like that now.”

When he takes his shirt off (after initially saying no, seemingly moreso out of confusion than anything else), he looks around to make sure they’re alone, but I don’t necessarily think he has Kinn making a pass at him on his bingo card in this moment. Taking his shirt off for his boss would look odd no matter what the context. I personally don’t read too much into it, but others may have more thoughts on it.

I want to talk about the body language here though. Porsche is being...shifty. When Kinn reaches out to touch his arm, he goes with it without resistance, but he can’t meet Kinn’s eyes. He’s looking everywhere but at Kinn’s face. Combine that with how his jaw is working, his torso going a little stiff so even as Kinn pulls him forward, he’s still not facing him directly.

He looks pissed off.

He got comfortable with Kinn, friendly with him, and now after remembering their kiss, he has a better idea of why Kinn’s been so off, even if he’s not really sure if what specifically is going through his mind. So with Kinn treating him like this, with distance and emphasis on the power imbalance between them, it confuses him further. If Kinn likes him, why would he treat him like this? If he wants him, why isn’t he doing something about it?

Porsche is waiting for Kinn to tell him what the kiss meant. And Kinn has been waiting for Porsche to tell him the exact same thing.

Porsche is understandably frustrated, and it shows. He keeps his body angled a little away from Kinn, posture loose and almost confrontational, agitated, his expression tense. He wants Kinn to explain himself, and instead all he sees is the Kinn who kidnapped him from Yok’s bar and choked him in front of a crowd of people to prove a point. He knows that Kinn and the one who kissed him on the pier don’t add up. But he also knows he can’t be the one to bring it up, not with how badly it could go for him as Kinn’s employee.

So he asks the only question he can ask: “If it weren’t for Tankhun, would you have taken me back?”

But let’s talk about Kinn. Like in the pool scene, even though he starts off controlled and distant, it’s an effort he can’t maintain for long. Over the course of the scene, he gradually grows more expressive, gets closer to Porsche, faces him directly.

Pay attention to Kinn’s microexpressions as he delivers the line above. Notice how he leans in. How his brows lift and pull together slightly. He’s stepping into Porsche’s space, putting his full focus on Porsche, speaking softly and almost intimately despite what he’s saying.

This isn’t him dismissing Porsche or putting him in his place. This look? Is him begging. When he says, “To me, all of our people are the same,” he’s not telling Porsche this. It’s more like he’s pleading with Porsche, with himself, for this to be true. He’s not holding power in this scene, despite his best efforts. He’s gravitating toward Porsche, his whole body oriented toward Porsche. He’s trying to push Porsche away, but only succeeds in bringing himself closer.

Porsche, meanwhile, is angled away. He’s keeping a distance that Kinn isn’t, acting almost aloof from him. He’s much more serious and muted in this moment than he has been previously, and even though he’s clearly confused over that kiss on the pier and Kinn’s potential attraction to him, he doesn’t understand his feelings yet, not the way Kinn understands (and continues to deny and reject) his. In this scene, Porsche holds the cards, even if he doesn’t fully know it yet. (He won’t know it until Kinn kisses him again.)

Why this all feels incredibly kinky

This post is getting stupidly long, literally longer than a lot of my college papers, so while I want to talk a little more about the ending, the scene-by-scene stops here. (Sadly I couldn’t even get to the Kinn/Tay/Time scene, but there’s some stuff there that could be unpacked too!)

The sex scene has been turned over and analyzed by a lot of brilliant people here, so I don’t think there’s anything I could say that hasn’t already been said much more eloquently. But I do want to end by thinking about how that sex scene provides a sort of breaking point or climax for the shift of power from Kinn to Porsche in this episode.

Another disclaimer: I’ve dabbled, but I wouldn’t consider myself part of the kink community, so while I do want to talk about what these shifting power dynamics mean in terms of Kinn and Porsche’s building D/s dynamic, I’m by no means an expert so I’m trying to stick to what I know. There are some amazing people on here who are way more knowledgeable about this so if you’ve talked about this or know someone who is, please lmk because I want to read aaaaall the meta on this. @lutawolf has some incredible insights about the D/s dynamic here, and I’m sure there are others I haven’t seen yet. And if there’s anything you see below that is incorrect or off-base, please reply or DM me and I’d be more than happy to delete/edit whatever it is.

It’s pretty apparent that Kinn and Porsche have the beginnings of a D/s dynamic unfolding between them. Kinn is constantly trying to put Porsche in his place, and Porsche is constantly acting out in ways to catch Kinn’s eye and keep his attention. The manhandling in the shirt-off scene, Porsche’s persistent needling about Kinn trading him away, and of course the sex scene itself, where Porsche basks in Kinn’s attention on him, soaking up all those touches and visibly craving that intimacy with Kinn. All of that is giving very kinky vibes and I’m sure it’ll only get more obvious as we go on.

So it might be a fair assumption to make, when I talk so much in this post about how Porsche is the one with the power in this ep, how he’s taking the lead in their relationship while Kinn follows, that I’m rejecting/downplaying that D/s dynamic or even trying to flip it. But I’m actually saying (or at least trying to say) the opposite.

Power in D/s is extremely layered and complicated. It’s not just about who’s in control of a scene or who takes the tangible lead or who’s on top or who’s giving orders etc etc etc. Power is ultimately, I would argue, in the submissive’s hands for the simple reason that they are the one consenting and submitting to control, and that consent can be withdrawn at any time. It’s a power exchange, yes, and of course has to be mutually consensual, but a good Dom sees control as a gift rather than a right, and understands the value of the trust and vulnerability being given to them. They pay attention to the sub’s needs (physical, emotional, mental) and base their actions around ensuring those needs are meet. It’s a big part of why submission can be so empowering, because at its core it means willingly surrendering control to someone else.

That’s all to say that while Porsche may hold more power in this episode and Kinn less, it’s a part of that early, unspoken negotiation of boundaries. Kinn doesn’t want to overstep. He’s giving up some of his power to Porsche, albeit not entirely realizing it, because he wants Porsche to set his limits, to determine where they go after that kiss. Kinn is already so confused by his own feelings, so out of his depth, that if he’s going to move forward, he needs Porsche to tell him how to do that.

It’s really…he’s just a really good Dom imo. (Or will be when he fully gets his shit together.) However you feel about that scene at the end, you can tell that Kinn is trying very hard to respect Porsche’s boundaries. He immediately withdraws his hands when Porsche slaps him away. He gives Porsche space while trying to take care of him because even if Porsche is flirting and openly making a pass at him, he has no way of knowing if it’s just because of the drug in his system or if it’s something he actually wants. He only gives in after Porsche brings up their kiss, because that’s what he’s been trying to ask for the entire episode. He realizes that Porsche is asking him for this fully aware of what they did, fully aware that it’s why Kinn’s been acting so strangely, and fully aware, finally, that he is the one holding all the cards right now.

And Kinn caves.

That’s what the entire episode has been building up to through this shifting power dynamic: Kinn being vulnerable, having his weak points poked at literally and figuratively. In this scene, he lets go, taking back some of his power just by virtue of being honest with himself and with Porsche for the first time.

I don’t think this shift will last long. I think, especially as we get into episode 5, that power is going to snap back hard in Kinn’s direction as he tries to regain control of his feelings and push Porsche away. I wouldn’t be surprised if what Porsche goes through in the next episode looks a lot like a prolonged, brutal subdrop, exacerbated by the trauma of what Vegas did.

Again, I’d love to read some more meta on this from people in the kink community, and if you do see anything above that is wrong/needs clarification, please let me know.

***

Okay, I really think I’ve rambled on WAY too long at this point. This is an absolute monster of a post that totally got away from me and I hope the other episodes are a little less interesting because the amount of thoughts I have about episode 4 is kind of bananas. Please feel free to add your thoughts because I know there’s still SO much stuff I missed and I’d love to hear everyone’s interpretations of what went down (the meta this week has been crazy and yet somehow I still need more 😭).

#kinnporsche #meta #HOW did I write that many words this is so dumb

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