#i don’t even talk to people the same way i talk to myself it takes me kicking and clawing to get out my natural syntax if ever i can

[rokomoi]

“I’ve got my eye on you..„

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pairing: jaehyun x reader.

synopsis: whilst on vacation on Jeju island, you didn’t expect to fall in love with a deaf boy.

now playing: say yes to heaven-lana del ray.

disclaimer: english isn’t my first language, apologies in advance for any grammatical mistakes and errors. no pronouns nor skin colour will be mentioned.

. ݁ ˖ ࣪ . ⋆ * . . ݁ ˖ ࣪ . ⋆ * . . ݁ ˖ ࣪ . ⋆ * . . ݁ ˖ ࣪ . . ݁ ˖ ࣪ . ⋆ * . . ݁ ˖ ࣪ .*

“y/n! we’re gonna visit the museum later, are you excited?!” my best friend questions me in her cheerful voice. I cracked up at her actions and behaviour of continuing to ramble on and on about how excited she was about this trip. I shook my head slowly from side to side, rejecting her request since I wanted and planned to explore the island on my own today. Which resulted in me getting a loud gasp from her and her nagging me, I narrowed my eyes at her before quickly speeding my walking pace to get away from her as her yelling towards me to get back drowned out and instead all I could hear now was the calming noises of waves crashing, cars going by some birds chirping on the trees next to the sidewalk I was currently walking on and of course, local vendors and sellers yelling on the streets to promote their businesses to the tourists.

And their yelling certainly did work and put me into a trance as I couldn't walk by the stacked Clementines on top of each other, without actually buying one or two or maybe a bunch. “Oh! Newcomer! First time here at Jeju?!” the old lady behind the stand asked me as she bagged and weighed Clementines for another buyer. I giggled at how much comfort her aura seeped and how much of a fun lady to be around, I nodded at her question as I picked and jabbed at the Clementines to check their conditions, I heated the voice of the sweet lady nagging and talking to a person beside and the said person walked out from behind the stand and came to the front, I gazed at their hands from the corners of my eyes and how carefully they worked their way around the stacks and piling them up again neatly.

I snapped out of my state and reached my arm out to grab at the black plastic bags hung onto one of the poles of the stand, I blew some air into it to puff out and started to slowly pick the best-looking Clementines to put into my bag when all of a sudden a hand landed onto my wrist and halted my actions. I hummed in puzzlement and my eyebrows furrowed as I followed the hand on my wrist to see whom it belonged to. And it was the same person who was arranging the Clementines, I believe he works here with the sweet lady or maybe he is her grandson helping her out, a bunch of possibilities but you could only find out if you speak and get the courage to ask random people about their personal lives.

I raised my head up to look at him, my eyebrows deepened even more as I observed him cock his head to the side and how he gestures to my bag with his eyes instead of speaking, it certainly did take me a while to process what he was trying to say but I shook my head at him, my mouth curving up into a small grin as I tried to retrieve my hand back from his hold.

“No, no no please…don’t tire yourself out” I simply said in a friendly tone. But…the boy’s eyes squinted and his pupils travelled down to stare at my lips to be honest, I got a little uncomfortable and freaked out by him suddenly staring at my lips since we didn't know each other and from what I knew it's rude to stare like that you're seeing and meeting for the first time. I parted my mouth to speak again but a very small gasp left my lips instead as he somehow managed to loosen my finger grip on my bag and started to pick out the fruit for me and place them gently, and with so much care into the bag. I scoffed to myself as I leaned onto the pole beside me, crossing my arms over my chest as I made eye contact with the old lady again, exchanging smiles before I parted my mouth to gossip for a bit with her.

“He’s a little stubborn, don't you think so?” I murmured. Secretly gesturing toward the said stubborn boy I watched how her eyes shined once they landed on him, and how she shook her hand in disappointment as she stepped a little closer to where I was to look through the boxes of freshly arrived Clementines there. “Jaehyun? He has always been like that since a little baby…” she said in a tone that I could tell was filled with love and affection toward him. My heart skipped a beat on how passionate she seemed whilst talking to me about him a little. I got to know his favourite food, movie, drink, colour, phobias, some sweet childhood memories of him and how attached he is to his grandmother, which is her, the vendor of the stand I was currently at.

“If you don't mind me asking…but…why doesn't he…speak?” I question in a hesitant tone. My hand went upwards to rub at the back of my damp neck awkwardly since I didn't know if she was even gonna answer me or if I just stepped over boundaries I even didn't know I was stepping over. I heard her sigh out, a really deep sigh as she looked at him over her shoulder before she returned to look back at me with even more shine in her eyes. “He’s just…deaf, since birth” She shrugged her shoulders at me, I didn't know how she even managed to talk about this topic and answer like it was normal chitchat for her. My mouth parted in an O shape as I tried to figure out words in my brain, some empathetic words to spill out and not possibly cause her more sadness. “I'm so sorry…I didn't know that, it wasn't my intention to make you sa-” I trailed off and somehow managed of make myself appear even more of a fool in front of her as I tripped over my words but all in all, she simply giggled at my nervous state and brushed it off and reassured me that it's fine. Just on Que, Jaehyun…finished bagging my bag and weighted and added a couple more of Clementine for free and handed the bag over to me, my eyes darted from the bag and to his smile which made his deep dimples pop out and his cheeks that looked…squishable. I cocked my head to the side as I watched him sign?…I believed so, but I had zero knowledge on sign language and I had no idea on what he was trying to say to me. Meanwhile, his grandma was watching the whole interaction between us two and she snickered to herself after realizing what her grandson was signing out to me, she snickers to herself before she waved her hand around to grab my attention and it did.

“He’s saying it's on him since you're so pretty, like a sunset…” she said through muffled snickers as she shook her head and went back to her job. Honestly, my jaw was left hung open and I felt my body getting even warmer, probably more than the blazing sun as I glanced at Jaehyun and watched how his cheeks casted a pinkish hue on them and he let his head drop low and started to scratch his neck nervously. I cleared my throat and gathered my thoughts, slowly cranking my body down into a small and polite bow and making one last eye contact with him before scurrying off with my bag of fruits, a flushed face and heart thumping harshly against my chest.

Did I seriously fall in love at first sight with a guy? Whilst on a supposed “work vacation”?…

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Two weeks later, last day of the trip to Jeju Island.

I found myself yet again wandering on the streets of Jeju before my flight back home. I looked over the horizon of the sun setting and over the blue ocean view, boats could be seen in the far distance as they travelled around the coast slowly and I could make out some figures of men fishing.

However, my feet had a whole mind and body of their own as they yet again dragged all over to the same place in the local market, I pushed my way through the semi-crowded place and apologized in a small voice anytime I unintentionally bumped into someone. I sighed out of relief after making it out of the swarm of people as I stood in front of the same stand I was at a little over two or three weeks ago.

“Oh! Long time no see, how you've been?!” The same old lady saw me first among the small crowd in front of her stall, I giggled at how she was still this sweet and welcoming towards me as she quickly gave people their bags so she could make way for me to come through and chit-chat with her. “Good, granny…and you?” I copied the same soft smile on her face as she went on and on about how busy she had been the last couple of weeks and how much her knee pain had started to worsen, which made me concerned about her but she brushed it off and reassured me that it's just something she had been dealing with ever since she got in a bike accident whilst returning home one night from her stall.

“So…the usual batch of fruit?” She quirked an eyebrow at me as she got my bag ready and started to place my usual favourite fruits in it whilst giving me a couple of extras since she learned that I'd be going back to my country and her face…turned disappointed and sad since she wanted to invite me over for dinner sometime. I kept reassuring her that I'd be back in the future and although it wasn't much but enough to give her a bit of hope for me, a big grin formed on my face as she tied the bags and handed them over to me before bidding me goodbye with her moisten eyes and I couldn't resist it and embraced her in a warm goodbye hug before parting my ways with her and I continued on strolling in a fast pace to try to get back to my motel to pack up my bags and stuff before heading over to the airport.

Just then, I accidentally bumped into someone but not a good enough bump to make me fall on the ground nor my fruits dropping on the ground and having to pick them up. I quickly bowed my head down apologetically and raised my head back to glance at the person I bumped into to apologize again verbally but instead, I saw Jaehyun standing in front of me as the street lamp and moonlight hitting his face in the right angles. I observed how he parted his thin pink lips to speak but only a sound between a groan and whine came out, then his lips formed into a scowl and his hands went to search in his jeans pockets for something whilst I tried remembering stuff I learnt about sign language. I waved my hands around to grab his attention and I succeeded in doing so as he watched me with a confused expression on his face.

“Are you…okay?” I signed a little slowly like a beginner since I tried remembering the hand gestures and the meaning behind them all in my head. And oh boy, did his eyes almost pop out of his sockets as he looked at me with his mouth agape second thoughts quickly crashed over me since I signed but I wasn't sure if they were the correct signs and I wondered if I used the wrong ones and completely cursed him out without me knowing. However, I saw his dimples popping outcome of how big his grin was and I sighed out of relief as he signed carefully and slowly so I could watch and see what he was signing. “Did you learn…for me?” He tilted his head in a cute way that made me want to put him in my pockets and protect him from this cruel world even though he's a well little over 180 cm in height but…if the shoes fit, am I right?

I chuckled at him as I nodded in response to him and my eyes darted to his own brown ones that shinned more the more I spoke to him in sign language. But, he got a little too excited and started signing really fast, so fast that I could only make out a few words he was saying which made me put out my hands in front of him to make him stop signing as I reached over to my back pocket and started to look through the booklet about sign language and scheming through the pages as he looked at me…in a way I couldn't explain as I gave the green light of go on and repeat what he was trying to sign but slowly so I could look through the pages and see the meanings behind them.

“Think I fell in love with you…” He signed. And now it was my turn for my eyes to widen in size as a gasp left my lips, a pink tint covered my face as I tried to hide it behind the book, and he giggled at me and tried snatching the book away from my face and I yelped and yelled at him to let go of me but he didn't care and continued on chasing me around the streets of Jeju and a bunch of people gave us dirty looks but hey…

They just have never seen two people falling in love in front of them even though they have completely different lifestyles.

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#nct 127 #nct 127 imagines #nct imagines #nct x reader #nct jaehyun #nct jeong jaehyun #jeong jaehyun #jaehyun x reader #jaehyun fluff #nct fluff #nct 127 fluff #jaehyun imagines

[chateaumarmontt]

I’ll probably edit this one*

Just some Everlark fluff

enjoy💝

It’s been almost a month since Peeta came back to 12. We spent that time with each other, it was healing but hard at the same time.

I try to understand my feelings for Peeta. I know I love him, but I don’t know if I’m ready to be in a relationship. How could I think about that when so many people died? I’m ashamed for the way I feel when I see Peeta in his garden, his blonde curls covering his forehead and a little part of his temples. I’m ashamed of how much I love the way his blue eyes flicker whenever I compliment his cheese buns… And now, he’s lying next to me, mouth open, his face squashed against the pillow.

Without even realizing, I put my hand in his hair and play with it. Peeta murmurs something without opening his eyes, so I let myself study the boy with the bread a little longer.

“Katniss, I can feel you staring”, he says, smiling.

“No, I’m not”, I reply, suddenly greeted by the blue eyes I know so well. Peeta raises an eyebrow and I groan:

“So what if I was staring?”

“Nothing, it’s nice. I like when you stare at me.”

His hand wraps around my waist, bringing me closer to the warmth of his body. I could stay like this all day, Peeta’s chin on the top of my head, my fingers tracing circles on his clavicle…

“Hey, who’s Naomi”, I ask.

A few days ago, a blonde girl came to Peeta’s house. She was tall, slim and had the aspect of a healthy person- her cheeks rosy red, her skin a little pale. I can’t say I was jealous when I saw her talking to Peeta, or when Peeta opened the door, smiling at the sight of her, or when she went into his house and spent almost 2 hours there… fine, maybe I was a little jealous, but I’d never admit it to him.

“How do you know…”

“I heard you talking to her last week. I had my window open and yeah… Not like I was spying on you!” I wasn’t completely lying. Naomi’s high pitched voice was what drew my attention.

“Oh, she’s Rye’s wife… was”, Peeta replies, a sad smile on his face, “I try to be nice to her since, you know, she has no one but her baby and her brother in law.”

I feel stupid for asking. How could I believe Peeta would be seeing anyone else? After all we’ve been through, he wouldn’t leave me…would he? We’re not officially together, so he could be seeing someone else and I’d have no right to judge him. The thought of not sleeping next to him and another person feeling the warmth of his strong arms drives me insane.

“Why? Are you jealous?”

I look up to see the blonde boy smirk. It’s better than seeing him sad, but I still roll my eyes:

“Yeah, right”, I blush and try to bury my face in his neck so he won’t notice, but his fingers bring my chin up so that I’m looking into his eyes again.

“Oh, my God, you are! You’re blushing”, he laughs.

I sit up straight and hit him playfully:

“No, I’m not!”

Peeta raises an eyebrow and I can’t help a little smile:

“Shut up.”

“Come here”, he says amused, now sitting up and pulling me into his lap, “It’s adorable when you’re jealous.”

Our faces are so close… too close. I can’t give in, I can’t do this to Peeta, I don’t deserve his love. He saved me so many times and all I did was hurt him.

“No one else ever called me adorable, Peeta”, I barely whisper, closing my eyes, so that I can’t be tempted by him. God knows I can’t keep myself together when he looks at me with those puppy eyes.

“No one else really matters”, he says, his warm breath lingering over my lips, making me lick them without realizing.

“Peeta…”

And it happens. I can’t control myself, my hands around his neck, I bring him even closer to me. It’s the hunger I’ve felt before, the hunger that makes me behave like a selfish animal. And I am selfish for bringing him into this, for not letting him get the life he deserves with a normal girl, not a fucked up 19 year old that’s been through the Games twice and started a revolution… but God, did I miss him on my lips.

“Katniss”, he pulls away, gasping for air. I take the opportunity to look at him again, like I did this morning: his curls are even messier than usual. This satisfies me because it was my hand who did that. His cheeks are flushed, his lips swollen, his chest going up and down, trying to get more air. I can’t help but imagine Peeta with nothing on, lying in my bed in the morning. My cheeks must be burning like crazy and I mentally scold myself for thinking about it.

“Did you hear me”, Peeta asks amused, bringing me back to the present moment.

“What?”

“Kiss me again?”

#the hunger games peeta #i love peeta #katniss and peeta #peeta mellark #thg #thg fanfiction #the hunger games katniss #katniss everdeen #thg peeta #thg katniss #everlark fanfiction #everlark

[mrs-snape5984]

„I hope, I’ll always have you in my mind, so that I know to find you every time.“

„Put your head on my chest, that’s your safe place. We‘ll fall deeper in love every day. From life unto life and for always.“ („Soul Mate“ by Flora Cash)

There’s something in my current life, that came hand in hand with my disease ME/CFS…slowly creeping into my fibres…infecting my mind with sadness. It’s loneliness, that I’m talking about. Overwhelming, crushing, suffocating loneliness.

Before this cruel bitch of a disease put a stopper in my life, as I knew it from before, I haven’t been healthy, either. But neither my severe Colitis Ulcerosa, nor the other few sicknesses and disabilities had achieved to break me the way, ME/CFS broke me!

What’s left, is only a shell of myself…a sad shadow of the woman, I’ve been prior to today. Where did the intelligent, sassy, witty and caring person go to, when she disappeared so insidiously from my personality? On some days, I still get a little glimpse of her, when I’m talking to my beloved friends @vulnus-sanare, @preciousthelmadonna or my bestie Miri, who often just “enjoys” sitting beside me in my dark room…embraced by silence and darkness. These tiny jiffies, when I’m recognising my previous character…my true nature, even though it’s only for a brief time, I’m feeling a little less anxious…a little less worthless.

But sadly, these moments become more rare with each new PEM crash of my disease (PEM = Post-exertional malaise = worsening of symptoms after certain activities). It feels as if I’m fading away from life…I’m fading away from other people’s lives as well as from my own.

Since I can’t leave my dark room - and most of the time even my bed - I’m not capable of joining social gatherings anymore. It’s impossible for me to endure listening to more than one person at once, so even my three kids have to “visit” me one after the other in my chamber. There are days, when I can’t even reply to messages from others, just because screen time is killing me.

All the more, I’m grateful for these few friends, who stay with me, no matter how silent I am, because they make me feel worthier and loved. And yet, I’m afraid of not being able to give them the same amount of support in return…due to the restrictions of my cruel reality, which are confining me.

So, there are many days, which I’m spending in total gloominess and silence with nothing but solitude surrounding me. And even if I’d be capable of sending text or audio messages (since I can’t type them out properly sometimes), I often hold myself back from reaching out to these understanding friends…only because I don’t want to be a burden to them.

I commissioned the lovely artist @hannisimp for this beautiful piece of art. Lin, you gave me exactly, what I needed with this tender artwork of yours. You gave me the feeling of being less alone. Severus accompanies me for 21 years now. He’s the safe haven, the comfort blanket, which I’m clinging to so desperately! My dear, I can’t stress enough, how grateful I am for your fine art. You made the love and the trust between Severus and my - oh, so self-inserted - OC Jules become palpable. There are no words to express my gratitude, so I just stay with these: Thank you for everything, my friend! Thank you for your talent, your kindness and each of your messages. I won’t ever take these things for granted.

🖤Severus & Julia🖤

🖤Sevy & Jules🖤

#Severus x Julia #Sevy x Jules #severus x oc #fuck me/cfs #commissioning artwork is my goddamn coping mechanism #this is my red carpet for all the artists of snape fandom #I‘m so fucking lonely #loneliness #severus snape #i love snape #he’s by my side for 21 years now #21 years and still counting #snape #i love severus #pro snape #snape love #i would protect him with my life #snape content #pro severus snape #severus snape art #snart #severus fanart #severus snape fan art #snape art #mecfs #writing is my coping mechanism #snapedom

[pepprs]

update i have to apply for my own job for the SECOND time in two years by wednesday and im taking my learners permit test on friday which means i have to finish absorbing the drivers manual by then. the way i am LONGING to walk into traffic.

#the driving thing is just extra stress but the applying for my own job AGAIN thing is making me absofuckingLUTELY insane. this process was #so psychically damaging for me to go through a year ago and the fact that exactly a year later i am doing it again and have to jump thru all #the same hoops and write a new cover letter and find new references and INTERVIEW with my colleagues and all that… like i appreciate this so #much bc basically what is happening is im getting a raise and will be converted to a regular employee (im contractual rn bc that’s all they #could do when i graduated). but like the fact that i am once again under the MORTIFYING psychic stress of my colleagues being the search #committee and me being u able to talk to them abt this or get reassurance and them having to treat me like they don’t know me and this not #being guaranteed and other people potentially applying and me having to compete with them… it is too much fucking stress for me to go #through. it’s just too fucking much. i am so mentally and emotionally exhausted and now i have to walk through fire AGAIN⁉️⁉️⁉️ i wanna KMS #like it’s fine. but also the existential dreaddddd the way i cannot bear to live through this one more time but i have to and im going to. 😍 #purrs #delete later #like i get it and i know it’s to make it fair and equitable. but whyyyyy do they have to put me through this again have i not proven myself #time and time again is this job not QUITE LITERALLY designed for me to be in it. and it’s not merely an annoyance it’s like… actively a #stressor that is taking years off my life just like it did last year and the timeline is even more accelerated bc last year i had two weeks #to apply and this time i have FIVE DAYS!!!!! and i have to reach out to references and i can’t do that until monday bc it’s the weekend 😭😭😭😭 #like LMFOAHDHSKDHSODHAJJB of course this is happening to meeeeee im going fucking insane. also i might have to do this a THIRD time someday #and i would have to get a masters degree for that too. so basically the only path forward is CEASELESS suffering and psychic agony. there is #no hope for women. fuck my stupid baka life. but also this is a good thing and also i have it sooooo good which is soooo unfair to everyone #else for example possibly wasting everyone else’s time who applies for this job. but also fuck my stupid baka life. #technically im applying for this job for the second time in 365 days. like it’s not even two years it’s that i did this a year ago and now a #year later im doing it again. LESS than a year later. it hasn’t even been a full year yet. help 😻👍 #if february 9 2022 me fucking knew what HORRORS awaited her 24 hours from then and 3 months from then and 5 months from then and 15 months f #from then. she would have imploded LMFAOOOOOOOO

[caterpillarinacave]

I'm suspicious of people who don't like Thomastair. Like why do you hate hope, man, why do you hate joy

Fr, fr, why do you hate happiness. Are you so afraid you’ll never experience that happiness. Are you so afraid you’ll be swept away by a wave while looking for a conch shell of happiness that you won’t go to the beach? Are you so afraid you’ll never feel see that elusive sparkle of love peaking out from behind a cloud that you shake your fist at the suns rays and run for the closure of your bitterness when the sky starts to darken?

#Also feel the exact same way about Henry and Charlotte #I love Matthew incredibly much but the moment someone starts talking about why Charlotte is the “worst” I’m like oh. you’re one of those #One of those “totally disregard all the characters from TID so you can make your blorbo angstier” #“Totally diss this other character so I can take the easy way and blame someone else for my characters problem instead of doing what you- #Should do which is analyze your blorbo and realize that of course their problems aren’t their fault it’s a mixture of circumstances and- #As a human being blorbo is flawed and that doesn’t make him any less worthy of love or any less of person and blaming other characters - #Cheapens that” #Also I haven’t met many people who don’t like Henry but somehow all the ones who do manage to be ableist #“He’s literally useless. He just walks around like an idiot. I mean what’s even the point if you’re like that? #-shockingly someone who favors autism speaks #Same person once hit me with things like “what do autsitic people even do for society. If I was disabled I’d just kill myself. It’s so - #Sad you’re autistic now you can’t get married. Autistic people really shouldn’t have kids they can’t be good parents” #Look man all the people who don’t like Henry bring it around to some variation of “he’s useless” #Literally in way world #Doesn’t align with your ableist opinion on what makes someone a full person or what constitutes love sure #But you’re incredibly wrong and all autistic people hate you #In short: people hate to see the girlies winning

[milf-louis]

.

#I just discovered something and it’s probably going to be my biggest insecurity omg #please tell me if it’s the same for you 😭 #so i just took a selfie #mind you I don’t really take pictures of myself. especially selfies. unless I’m talking to my friends and sending silly pictures #so yeah. i took this selfie and i look so disfigured in it? like my right eye looked like it was at least #two centimetres below my left eye. #like i know having some parts that are asymmetrical is normal but i just looked to ugly😭 #and when i look in the mirror it’s not noticeable. I don’t see it #so my question is that which one is the way people see you. #I’m suddenly so worried bc even makeup can’t really help with it.. #x

[tautozhone]

idk how to start this so this post is ab individual action, trying to motivate positive change in the world, etc etc

a lot of growing up in the US for me makes things feel more scary than they are. like it’s actually not that difficult to go out of your way to get a bottle of water or iced cup of water from some random drive through if you think you should do it. either fast food conglomerate or local actually, it’ll usually be cheaper than 5 dollars to get drinkable water. i try to have 5-10 dollars i can justify spending on water, and asking for change, because sometimes when i’m out driving i need to go grab water.

i do not do this for me as much as i try to do it specifically when i see someone who’s most likely homeless on a street corner. i’m sure one day i might do this and they might not be there when i come back, but what have i lost really? a bit of time and a bit of money that would’ve meant more to them, that i can hold onto until i see them next.

the pressure that a lot of people feel when they think “what can i do” comes from this grand narrative that the average citizen can singlehandedly fix the housing crisis. rich people? maybe. nonprofits? not in a day, not all one person still. what can i do is a question i ask a lot. what can i do, not just because it feels bad to move along like nothings wrong with the world, but what can i do that will do anything. what can i do that makes even the smallest change.

i feel like it took me too long to figure out a personal method to what i consider individual action. it’s taking time to get to my own financial stability to be able to do more. but for now it’s as simple as water and cash. not water and food, but water and cash.

individual action means a lot in small steps, go get a bottle of water bare minimum and the price of a meal if you can and then just give it to them. if it wasn’t such a miserably hot place where i live i would keep a pack of water in my car, which i still want to do for the sake of having immediate access to water to give someone who might need it- hot or cold sometimes won’t matter. but when it’s hot out, get cold water, if it’s cold out, a warm tea will hydrate more than coffee will as long as it’s not super caffeinated.

#very genuinely i’ve always felt paralyzed by the idea i cannot doing anything to help and on the grand scale i kind of can’t #i can’t give someone a house to stay in where i could take care of the space enough to get someone back on their own feet #but i can give someone water and some money for whatever they need #one day i’ll be able to do more but for now. water bottles and cash. #what i want to say here is everyone knows bare necessities and everyone knows ways to get them #i also have an opinion that you should sit with and hold the harsh feeling of seeing the world fall apart and help people survive anyway #idfk man #i’ve met some extremely fucking jaded people in my time at college who seem to have no way to piece together that they can do SOMETHING #one of my classmates once complained about feeling bad about not doing anything for a guy on a corner and i recognized who #because i’d seen him too and done nothing at least 5 times before one day on the way home i gave him all the cash i had on me #she’d said she’d do more if she wasn’t so scared and anxious of being hurt. i don’t see how he could even look harmful or dangerous #he blessed me and offered a hug and asked me to have a good day and said thank you and i still can’t see why she was scared of him #at the same time i hadn’t done anything until i saw myself in someone else and thought it looked nasty. looked uncaring. #i saw him again today and gave him a water bottle and all the cash i had on me. i told him the weather seemed hot #he agreed with me and he took the bottle of water #i think i interrupted him opening it to hand him the rest #he got up and he blessed me again #offered a hug and more thank you’s and it’s so simple but i felt us both human in that moment. talking about the weather in a brief exchange #wishing each other well as we go different ways #he wouldn’t stop thanking me and wishing me well #i told him it was the smallest thing i think anyone could do and i still walked away hollow wishing to have done more somehow #to suddenly own an apartment complex nearby for him and anyone he knew that needed it too #not a rigid shelter but a place to make home #blah blah blah talking too much about a deed done because i get emotional about humanity #tauto talks

[cerleansky]

The legacies people leave behind in you.

My handwriting is the same style as the teacher’s who I had when I was nine. I’m now twenty one and he’s been dead eight years but my i’s still curve the same way as his.

I watched the last season of a TV show recently but I started it with my friend in high school. We haven’t spoken in four years.

I make lentil soup through the recipe my gran gave me.

I curl my hair the way my best friend showed me.

I learned to love books because my father loved them first.

How terrifying, how excruciatingly painful to acknowledge this. That I am a jigsaw puzzle of everyone I have briefly known and loved. I carry them on with me even if I don’t know it. How beautiful.

~Edit~

Yikes guys I didn’t expect this post to blow up.

I’m grateful it did though. Looking at all the comments and tags really takes a stab at my heart because it just shows how wired we are for connection. If life has any meaning, then it’s that.

This concept really sunk its teeth into me as it reassures the notion that no one is ever truly gone. Parts of them just change into you.

That teacher I talked about inspired me to become a teacher myself. This was my first year teaching. Here’s to a new generation of curved i’s.

#love #platonic #friends #friendship #lots of love #lots of feelings #spilled heart #spilled words #loss #grief #literature #spilled poem #words typed #writblr #lost friendship #i’ll love you forever #angst #lots and lots of angst #like so much #sad vibes #i'm sad

[sabertoothwalrus]

There’s something I love love loveeee about Laios and how badly he wants to be cool.

Let me preface with this: in general, I believe the harder you try to be cool, the less cool you actually are. The less you care what people think about you, if you’re “cringe” or “weird”, the more likely people will perceive you as confident and self-assured.

There are countless pieces of media where characters try to fit in with some group, change every part of themself to look/act like what they’re “supposed” to be, and end up miserable, often realizing the people they’re trying to impress aren’t worth the trouble.

I’ve experienced this in my own life too! Sometimes when I go out I wear a rainbow propeller cap! Cause I think it’s funny and silly and!! I ALWAYS get compliments!! I don’t wear it to be cool, I wear it because it makes me happy. And people overall have a positive reaction to it. it’s a huge contrast to when I was teenager and didn’t really put as much of myself into my appearance/wardrobe, and barely left any kind of impression on people.

So anyway, let’s get into it.

Laios… he’s been hurt so badly by people. He resented humanity for it. And yet, he still yearns for the approval of others. He wants FRIENDS!!!! and was angry and frustrated to learn his perception of his relationship with Shuro was so drastically different than Shuro’s!!!!

He KNEW that people were put-off by his love of monsters. Up until Falin got eaten, he deliberately suppressed how much he talked about it with others. He probably thought by not talking about monsters so much, it was working!! He was doing all the Right Things now! So Shuro confessing he always hated him was a huge blow.

But the reality is, he loves monsters. And most importantly, he loves cool monsters. He fantasizes about what would make the Ultimate Monster.

He feels very strongly about what he considers “cool” as well. He finds all aspects of monsters fascinating, but can still be HORRIBLY underwhelmed when they look too lame for his tastes.

He knows most people don’t feel the same way he does. He knows his “cool” is everyone else’s “weird”. It’s so tragically sweet how he latches onto Kabru the moment he shows interest in monsters, and takes every opportunity to infodump about them to him.

He wants people to find monsters as cool as he does!! But, he also wants people to think he’s as cool as he finds monsters.

Like!!! djkfghadkfjg IT DOESN'T EVEN BOTHER HIM WHEN PEOPLE HAVE A WRONG IMPRESSION OF HIM! He's FLATTERED by it. It's almost like, at this point, it doesn't matter to him if people don't like him. People can not like him and still think he's cool.

And my favorite thing is, it works. Laios IS cool as fuck. You KNOW he thought he looked so badass when he did this and he was RIGHT:

And yet, this is him trying very hard to look cool. But it's Laios's version of cool. It's almost contradictory, in that sense. Cause he knows people still don't get it. Like. He wants to be cool. He doesn't care about the "normal" ways to be cool. He thinks his cringe thing is cool. He does his cringe thing, that people very much do still think is cringe. So you would think that, since he wants people to think he's cool, he would not do the cringe thing. But he wore the pelt because he thought it was cool. And people clapped and cheered for him anyway.

is what he's doing really so different than this? ^

YAYYYYY WOOO GO LAIOS YOURE SO COOL!!!!!!!

#dungeon meshi #dungeon meshi spoilers #long post #photos #laios touden #I LIKE HIM A LOT!!!!!! HES SUCH A GOOD CHARACTER!!!!!

[zombienarc]

-

#‘b’ and I got in a pretty big fight last night. he wouldn’t consider me over and over again so I snapped and started beating on him. #He tried getting me back so I just started get more pissed and starting biting him; punching him in the face- #- I even took my phone and started smashing him in the skull with my phone because he came up behind me. He started gushing blood. #I had to pretend to care so he didn’t freak out more. Gave him advice on how to take care of it. I’ve had my hair share of hurting someone- #- enough that they bleed so I genuinely didn’t feel anything and was prepared to assist. #Idk why these people think that I’m not a good fighter. I think fast under pressure; I’m a quick draw; I’m strong. #He’s getting kicked out of the place he was staying out and it serves him right to try to attack me and talk to me the way he did. #Again.. I have to pretend to care but really I’m laughing. The universe always works in my favor. I don’t want to be angered into that- #- again. I have things to accomplish. So tonight when he started trying to blame the whole thing on me I just don’t him I’m leaving him. #He responds with ‘okay. be done.’ and I just open and don’t respond. Infact I start doing my workout routine. I’ll turn my power into- #- something that’ll benefit me. #I most certainly got my last lick in. He’s currently having symptoms of a concussion #Lines in his vision. Almost fell down from dizziness. Headache. Now he has to rehome his dogs because he’s getting kicked out. #What a shame he had to try me ‘just to see if I’ve changed.’ #After he noticed I wasn’t going to try to fix things he texted me back saying ‘I hate this. I hate this.’ I replied with- #- ‘Then don’t disrespect me. If you manage that we’ll be just fine.’ Then he said okay and I have to do the same. #I agreed but honestly.. I’ll do whatever the fuck I want especially if you bring nothing to my life and shit on me. Do better. Do more. #Like I told him ‘I don’t care what others think I should do with myself.’ So he can jump off a bridge with how wrong everyone would- #- think I am. I truly do not care. That is my power. Me first. Always. #grey god #b #Don’t mind the typos.

[luveline]

Hiii!! Could I request a bombshell reader x Spencer where someone (a local police maybe) says something rude to her about her appearance or something and normally it doesn’t really get to her, but something snaps and she kinda shuts down/is rude to Spencer until he coaxes it out of her? Sorry it’s long I had an idea and ran w it loollll

ty for requesting angel! confident fem!reader, 1k

Spencer shouldn’t expect his colleague to hold his hand, especially one so confident. What sense would that make, a woman as established as you are, who smiles without a lick of worry nor smugness, wanting to hold his hand? 

But you do it all the time, is the thing. In the car on the way to crime scenes, in the hallways of the office, under the round table. It started as a tethering for his distractedness, when one day he’d wanted to talk but hadn’t had the presence of mind to walk at the same time, so you’d taken his hand and led him to the office. You’ve been taking it at your discretion ever since.  

Spencer knows something is wrong —you haven’t tried to hold his hand all day. And even if you aren’t interested in him romantically, Spencer has come to crave the touch. He’ll accept platonic hand holding. Anything, really. 

“You’re staring very deeply, Dr. Reid,” you mutter, shades from your usual lightness. 

“I’m thinking.” 

“Aren’t you always?” 

“About you.”

“Well,” you smile fleetingly. “You should always be thinking about me.” 

“You’re truly humble.” 

His joke doesn’t land, it crashes and burns; your smile fades completely into a short, sharp line. Your gaze moves back into the restaurant, waiting for the team's food order in silence once again. 

Spencer’s pinky finger twitches across the gap. 

“Is everything okay?” he asks. 

“Fine.” 

You stay quiet, Spencer worries. He takes the bags before you can when they bring your food to the collection desk, two lumps of heat he holds to his thighs as you begin the walk back to the hotel. Tonight, the team will pick at their food together and rehash the same arguments they’ve been making all day, filling in each other's gaps, and tomorrow the work will start again. He can’t have you this unhappy again tomorrow. 

“You’re amazing,” he says, watching you turn to him from the corner of his eye, “you know you are, we all do, everyone who meets you. I know you don’t need me to tell you that, or to feel better, but… I’m here for you. If you want to talk. It’s been a hard couple of days, and talking about traumatic events as they happen and directly afterward make them easier to recover from.” 

“I’m not traumatised.” 

“Upsetting,” he corrects. “Having a shoulder to cry on is good for you, and I can be that shoulder. You know, if you need me to be.” 

He can’t know this in the moment, though maybe one day you’ll tell him, further down the line when the hand holding is better defined, but you look at him and you love him. To know Spencer is to love him. Or at least that’s how you’ve always felt. You’d love to cry on his shoulder about what transpired that morning if it weren’t embarrassing to think about, you’re upset over a throwaway comment made by nobody important. 

Spencer offers his company earnestly. He stammers. It’s amazingly sincere, as he usually is. He won’t mind if it’s embarrassing, he’ll just listen. 

You clear your throat. “I know I’m not to everyone’s taste. I know that the way I… present myself isn’t what most men like. People love confidence, but not when it’s bossy, not when it’s– when it’s vain. And I am vain. I think about my appearance a lot, I think I’m beautiful most of the time, I try so hard to have that be true.” You eye him thoughtfully. “Do you realise that?” 

He shakes his head gently, one ear toward one shoulder and then the other, as though balancing. “Sort of. I know you put effort into your appearance, but I also assume a lot of it to be natural.” 

“Right, well. It’s not natural. Not really. My natural beauty wouldn’t be all the beautiful to most people. And I’ve accepted that, I know what I like about myself, and–” You’re losing the thread of your point, an upset creeping into your melodic tone and turning it ragged. “When people tell me they don’t like how I look now, I guess it hurts because I know they wouldn’t like me before, either, and I feel defeated because I know I can’t win.” 

“Who said they don’t like how you look?” Spencer asks, confused, on his way to annoyed. 

“Officer Friendly.” You look to your shoes, watching the steps you take. “Guess he wasn’t as nice as we thought.” 

“What did he say to you?” 

You shrug. “Same story. He doesn’t like girls who wear makeup. Doesn’t like uppity women.” 

“Did he call you that?” 

“What are you gonna do if he did?” you ask without malice. 

“Morgan’s teaching me self defence for a reason.” You smile at his light joke, though it doesn’t last. He transfers the takeout bags into one hand, the other held out to you, his fingers sliding down your arm to your wrist. “You know you’re beautiful, with or without makeup. And you’re not uppity, you’re out of his league. There’s a difference.” 

“You’re flirting with me.” 

“No.” He wishes he had the wherewithal sometimes, but this isn’t flirting. “I’m being honest with you. Men like that don’t like you because they know they’ll never, ever have you, or anyone like you. There isn’t anyone like you,” he adds, sliding his hand into yours. 

He squeezes all your fingers together twice in quick succession. 

“Don’t let a jealous chauvinist halfwit make you think you’re not good enough,” he says. 

You curl your fingers around his before he can take his hand back. Slowly, you squeeze his hand. Then, smiling, you let him go. 

“I’ve never heard you say something mean like that,” you say. “Halfwit. That’s crass.” 

“I was going to say he’s an asshole, if that’s better.” 

Your laugh echoes off of the sidewalk. “That’s perfect. Say something meaner.” 

The insult he uses next doesn’t bear repeating. 

#spencer and bombshell reader #spencer reid #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x you #spencer reid x y/n #spencer reid x fem!reader #spencer reid imagine #spencer reid fluff #spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid oneshot #spencer reid scenario #spencer reid drabble #spencer reid fic #spencer reid fanfiction

[pepprs]

posts like that break my stupid fucking heart lol. i hate being in this situation and i hate that i hate it because im convinced im delusional about how bad it is right now and that it’s my fault for being a terrible selfish daughter and also it could be SO much worse. but no im not entirely terrible or selfish and yes this situation is bad even if it’s not the absolute worst it’s ever been or ever could be. i know we’re working on fixing some parts of it but that does not negate that i am living a suffocated life right now and never have fully known that freedom even when i haven’t lived in this house and still have so much work to do to finally get it and im so overwhelmed by this that i keep putting it off and running away

#purrs #also it’s like.. how does ANYONE live without the autonomy and shit you inevitably get as an adult. or the way people take you seriously #more and give you space and stuff. because i know i will miss some aspects of living like this but i think life after this will be so much b #better and freer. yeah it’s scary to make your own choices and move your own ways but also ummmm i am not living in a good situation and #there are so many fucked up things happening here. also i was gonna say something else ughhhh what was it. omg #OH yeah well idk if this was The thing but my parents don’t want me to ever have a place of my own bc they’re worried about my safety. i am #also worried about my safety but i think maybe i would like some independence. and i can’t work it out in my head lol #OHHHHH WAIT i remember. ok. so also. im 23 years old. my mom moved out of her parents home when she was 25 but she was already like dating a #and stuff and i.. well you know. but it’s like im 23 but i don’t think im even going to be able to afford a place of my own that is also #nice to live in. so i am going to have to find a roommate which is fine and also i want one anyway bc again i think it’s safer living w #other ppl and not just me and i just have to make sure that my future roommate/s are like.. not as bad as my 2 roommates i had on campus LOL #but it’s like I don’t think im going to be able to even split the cost for a place that is more than just bedrooms a bathroom and a common a #area. and ite like. when in my life if at all am i going to have other rooms to furnish besides my own bedroom. and when in my life am i #gonna be acceptable to my parents to live by myself. and when in my life do i stop talking to them every single day and depending on them fo #for every single decision. when in my life is my mom gonna treat my 40 h/w job (that in fairness i just started and technically haven’t EVEN #starred) with the same seriousness as my dad’s 40 h/w job. and when in my life is this fucking pandemic gonna end so i can go to conferences #and not be a burden or a disappointment and when in my life am i gonna find a life partner etc etc etc. i know i sound naive ungrateful #entitled etc etc and i don’t know what to say about that other than that my mom would think the same and already does lol but im tired of #longing and i would like to be able to function at a bare minimum level of freedom and comfort <3 #delete later #also my parents don’t want me living in the city on top of not wanting me to live independently. so. lol <3

[scientia-rex]

One of my patients used to be a Big Deal Specialist in the city and you can just TELL he’s SEETHING that no one out here is even qualified to understand what he did, much less how important he was. He’s also terrified of death. It’s both annoying and really sad. Like, sir, I hate to break it to you, but no amount of knowledge will protect you from the ravages of time. It’s a special kind of hell to know the stages of various fatal diseases intimately. What is it going to feel like when it’s my turn? How do doctors want to die? Suddenly, quietly. Slip away painlessly in my sleep. But how likely is that? Not very. More likely I’ll get cardiovascular disease or cancer, the greatest killers of our time.

He was so afraid of cancer he had an organ that wasn’t cancerous removed just in case. He talks down to me as if I’m his student, and who knows? Maybe I was. He was in the same city as me, and they were forever dragging Big Name Doctors in to teach us things. Maybe I learned how to elicit Achilles tendon reflexes from him.

But mostly I find myself a little scornful. Who lives without the shadow of death? Who doesn’t think about death all the time? When you die, life is a round thing, finished and whole. What will your life look like when God holds it in the palm of his hand?

Also don’t fucking call me by my first name unless I’ve specifically said you can. I don’t GIVE that permission to patients, except for my mentally ill trans and queer patients. If I wanted to be disrespected by an older man I would have married young.

You do not have time. This important doctor who based his whole life around his importance lived as rich and full a life as anyone. And now he’s clinging to it, leaving fingernail marks on the walls on his way out. No one has time. There will be a moment when you’re dying when you think, I would give anything I have to be back in that moment. Any ordinary moment. Taking the dogs out to go potty. Browsing at the grocery store. When you’re being crucified on a hospital bed, dying and aware of it through the morphine, you would give anything you ever possessed to go back and have one more agony-free afternoon. Sit on a curb or a stoop. Walk through a park. Hug your spouse. These tiny fragmentary moments that we are constantly sliding through, tobogganing past at high speeds, these are what will be our life when our life is over.

I am accountable to that self. To the dying me. What did I do with this gift and curse? I don’t believe in God, but I know that I will die, and I have watched enough dying people by now to know the kinds of things I’ll think about. I want to make that me proud of what I’ve done and how I’ve spent my life. She will be a harder judge than God, and I want her to look at this one little life and think, yes. I did what I meant to.

#death cw

[nicname]

”Oh if we didn’t have xenogenders/GNC trans people/neopronouns/MOGAI/etc etc etc then transphobes would respect us.” Untrue. Most transphobes are so insanely vitriolic that you could be the most standard, decent, agreeable trans person, and they would still hate you.

I’m a fairly basic trans man, online and off. I tone my gender down even more for work. I have short hair, facial hair, I wear pretty standard non-fitted pants and t shirts with some manner of compressive undergarment underneath, and I go by my fairly basic, common masc name. The only difference between me and my cis coworkers is that I openly engage in good-faith discussions about my being transgender when brought up, and I have a “he/him” pronoun pin I like to wear.

I have one coworker who I’m well aware has never gendered me correctly. I have assumed it was an intentional, bad-faith decision (because of other, unrelated-to-me conversations he has had with coworkers), but I’ve never really cared enough to bring it up to him. I figured, “if this is intentional, that’s his issue. I’m not interested in trying to change his mind.” I’ve reached a point in my transition to where I don’t really care that much if some random person doesn’t respect me or my gender, because I don’t need every stranger’s approval to be happy with myself.

With all that being said, I’ve treated him the same as I have every other coworker. I’ve been civil, I’ve been agreeable, I’ve still been friendly to him and haven’t gone around the workplace intending to smear his name. (Yes, I have discussed his behavior to those close to me who have asked, but I’ve kept it very private and said that as long as he doesn’t say anything outwardly malicious, I don’t really care about his behavior.) He has been outwardly friendly to me, too, telling me about his past careers, showing me pictures of his family, we’ve talked about our hobbies and other things we enjoy.

Still, after all of this, he has given up the ghost and decided to gossip about me negatively to coworkers. I won’t go into detail about what I’ve been told he said, but it was all explicitly transphobic and pretty aggressive. I’ve never gone out of my way to make him mad, relating to my gender or not, so it’s a little out of nowhere. I’m not particularly surprised by this, but I’m more surprised that he would be bold enough to say everything out loud when working for a company that has explicit protections for trans people in place. He was reported fairly quickly, without me ever knowing what occurred. The only reason I found out about everything is because I overheard a manager discussing it with a concerned coworker from my department.

So, if you take anything away from this, let it be that no amount of friendliness, gender-conformity, or civilness with stop a transphobe from taking their transphobia out on you, and it’s not your fault or any other trans person’s fault. Don’t victim blame trans people who become the subject of someone’s transphobic hate, because a transphobe is dedicated to harming trans people regardless of whether they blend in with cis people or not. Don’t use a transphobe’s needlessly malicious behavior as a reason to harass other trans, GNC, nonbinary, or otherwise gender diverse people.

#trans #transgender #transmasculine #trans pride #transgender pride #transgender man #lgbt #lgbtq #lgbtq+ #lgbt+ #lgbtqia #lgbtqia+ #nic speaks #mogai #fixed typos and made it broader

[diluc33rpm]

1/3 Is your perception of yourself similar or the same to how others perceive you?

this is inaccurate no one perceives me

#hardly if at all #and if it is then that’s limited to... very specific people? i feel like the friends i consider closest #are the ones who have the least differentiation in perception #given of course they still have their own outside pov of me. i think i’d go insane if talking to people was like being in my own head 24/7 #i guess that means i have a hard time considering anyone close but i can’t exactly blame other people when im the one affecting my attitude #or rather not even affecting but just... exaggerating #every time someone’s like ‘oh lol you seem so chill about everything’ i’m like ‘thanks i’m constantly so tired i want to cry’ #or ‘i wish i had your confidence’ and im in my mind going ‘bitch what. bitch what. sorry could you say that again. that makes no fucking se #‘you’re so loud and crazy’ the camera cuts to me standing in a grocery store dead inside fending off madness as california girls plays #i mean i joke but it’s genuinely bizarre to me how 15 years of repressing rage turned into being fun at parties #if it makes people like me then like ? ? sure i’m flattered but god i just wanna fucking Lie Down. the turmoil of the unexpressed #i don’t even talk to people the same way i talk to myself it takes me kicking and clawing to get out my natural syntax if ever i can #hell i couldn’t even write THIS ask in it #(and i’m not sure what others opinions on me are but my vibe internally is just not all lowercase. like at all) #feel like most people i meet are like oh zach is this wacky dude!! and i'm like YEAH you're not wrong but #*insert the hAEUEGEHH inhale from the 'i lie to myself' skit* #least i’m pretty sure everyone has moments like those these days. the vibe is in shambles but we’re all a lil bit in shambles together #on this funked up planet earth there’s a ‘the rot consumes us all’ shrugging stock emoji in every one of us

[chastiefoul]

stood up.

characters: ayato & alhaitham

summary:

Your boyfriend promised a long overdue date on the winter season—albeit how busy he was.

But as you waited and waited for him on the agreed spot, why does it look like he’s not coming?

tags: a lil angsty, comfort would be on part 2

Alhaitham

You were giddy as you woke up, immediately getting ready for the long awaited date you both have today. Amidst the research he’s been busy working with at the time, he finally managed to take a brief break and told you he missed you wanted to spend time with you which you couldn’t possibly refuse since you missed him just as much.

It was heavily snowing outside—you took a mental note as you pick a warm outfit for today. You were very excited about the date that you had arrived fifteen minutes early, silently hoping maybe your boyfriend would come a little early too since it’s been a while that you both spend a quality time.

☘

“I need coffee,” Alhaitham groaned as he went out from his room, completely exhausted and sleep-deprived. Kaveh who coincidentally was in the dining room just stared at him as if saying ‘then pour it yourself tf?’. Alhaitham made a cup for himself and took a sip. “It’s noon, and you’re just waking up?” the blond said disapprovingly while the grey-haired man only sighed. “It can’t be helped that I needed to sleep late every day for the past week. Also mind your own business, don’t you have that presentation you’ve deemed all week as important today?” He asked, annoyed. “Huh? That was yesterday.” Kaveh said, confused. Alhaitham widened his eyes. “What?” Panic rises inside Alhaitham’s chest as he asked.

“What date is it today?” His stomach dropped, refusing to believe that he had mixed up such an important date only because he was dwelled to deep on his research, even though he promised to meet you. He looked at the clock, 12 p.m, you both agreed to meet at 9 a.m.

 “Seventeenth.” Kaveh confirmed, quickly snapping Alhaitham’s useless idle thought.

The scribe cursed out loud then went to grab the first coat he saw and swiftly go out.

Please still be there, please still be there.

He ran full speed at the agreed spot. He so wanted you to still be there but perhaps it would be too cruel at your side since you’d be standing still at the same spot waiting in the cold for three whole hours.

Then he saw you there, standing as you had your hands deep on your pocket, your nose red from the cold.

“(y/n)!” Alhaitham called out, but you didn’t budge at the noise. He approached you, overwhelmed with guilt. “I’m sor-“

“I told you before that we didn’t have to meet if you’re busy, I told you I could wait.” You said, uncharacteristically slow that it was unnerving. “But I didn’t mean it like this,” you whispered, finally losing it. Alhaitham’s heart broke at the tone, but he knew he didn’t have the right. “Waiting here for three whole hours that people from shop nearby talked to me and said I should warm myself up for a moment and I stupidly refuse, scared that you’d come while I was gone and you’d think I forgot about today..” you paused.

“I looked like a fool—no, I was an utter fool.”

“Please. I can explain-“

“Gosh what an interesting way to apologize,” your eyes hot with tears that were threatening to spill. “Seeing you now, clearly just waking up with no effort whatsoever to get yourself ready.. just how pathetic do you want me to feel, Alhaitham?” you sniffled, feeling uncomfortable and heartbroken. The fact that you were looking forward to today for days and he did not even bother to remember. That fact cuts deep.

The man’s heart ached more by the sudden call of his full name, not the usual endearing nickname of ‘haitham’.

You walked away, wiping your tears. Alhaitham who witness your back getting smaller as you take a step after another could only stand still, quietly searching for the words he could find to first and foremost apologize, then to find a way to make it all up to you.

Ayato

It was definitely not easy, being by Ayato’s side, but you made it work—you always do. And Ayato couldn’t hope for more of an understanding partner—and he didn’t let you forget that, but this made you reluctant to voice your worries, scared that he would picture you as this selfish person. But if you were given a wish, perhaps you’d want to be able to spend a little more time with your boyfriend. Just a little.

☘

When there’s patience, there’s too, a limit.

You’re currently waiting for Ayato at the meeting spot you both agreed on the day before. You wouldn’t mind a ten or fifteen minutes tardiness, anyone could’ve make such mistake, but feeling how stiff your fingers were and seeing the sun position, it’s safe to say you’ve been waiting for more than four hours. There are strangers who passed by earlier, and when the same people witnessed you still glued in the same spot they saw you, you couldn’t help but look down.

A quiet but incisive sense of shame overwhelmed you, that you had such faith in this man that you were willing to wait even hours on such weather, not even knowing that if Ayato had felt the same anticipation—clearly not, since him or even his retainer that usually gave you news about his well-being was nowhere in sight. You couldn’t help but laugh self-deprecatingly at your foolishness as you finally decided to give up and go home, not even thinking about the reason why he had forgotten about the date. The bottom line was that he stood you up, whether it was unintentional at the end of the day, you were hurt. And it was finally time to tell him that he would not get away with it.

☘

The next day, your body had to pay up the price of waiting on such a snowy weather that you caught a fever. It wasn’t worth it in the slightest but at least this way you don’t have to face him for a while, since you don’t really have anything nice to say if forced to see his face.

That thought was short-lived however, seeing that Ayato had decided to come, on a day where you both didn’t agree to meet up on. You were laying down, even with the thick layers of clothing you still felt somewhat cold.

“You didn’t come this morning as you usually do, so I got worried,” he explained the sudden visit. Your head hurt, but truly it was incomparable to the ache you’re experiencing on your chest. Ayato seemed to had completely forgotten the fact that he was supposed to meet you yesterday. “What were you doing that you’ve become this ill, love?” There was nothing but pure concern in his voice but this made you more spiteful, more infuriated.

“I was waiting for someone for hours out in the cold yesterday.” You said, still burying yourself in the blanket, not bothering to make eye contact with the man. At this he was thinking back that perhaps you had tell him about this engagement, but his expression quickly drop, as he remembered. You wanted to laugh at it since you’ve never seen such face on him, but that was a luxury you had to postpone until a later date where you had felt a little better.

“Sweethe-“ He quickly said but you cut him off. “Don’t call me that. And don’t even think about touching me.” You said sternly, as he swiftly retracted the hand that was about to touch your head.

“(y/n), I apologize but I-“

And you’ve had about enough of his exuses—no matter how important, you don’t even care anymore, you just wanted Ayato out of your sight.

“It’s always something with you, isn’t it? I’m tired, Ayato.” You said meekly, truly exhausted by the way he always had something to say, a ­­way to get out of being berated, reasons that you had to understand even though it was the same as saying that he had put you second—or maybe below that yet again. “I don’t want to understand it anymore, I give up.” You finally said, and only at this point Ayato had realized just how much he had hurt you over the course of you dating him.

“I’m done being your loyal dog that you can treat however you please, Ayato. Leave.”

“(y/n)-“

“I said, leave.” You repeated.

Ayato could only stand up and got out as guilt was eating him away slowly. It wouldn’t be an understatement to say that he had taken advantage of your kindness and took you for granted. The regrets tasted bitter on his tongue. As he went out from your haven there was only one thing running through his mind. How could he possibly fix this?

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