#i don't think we need to constantly relive it or anything

[gardenerian]

thoughts on ian’s face in the “sorry im late” scene in 5x8 (i think it’s 5x8)

my thoughts are that i am going to start crying and never stop. my additional thoughts are:

so he's in bed, right? he's been trying mickey all day, meanwhile mickey has been going through his own process at home. but ian is thinking that he might have finally pushed mickey away for good - or scared him away. so he's in bed, eyes shut - probably not sleeping, but just laying there. shutting out the rest of the day. he hears someone behind him and his eyes kinda open. it's when he hears mickey though that his breathing picks up and we go from this:

to this:

like it's so slight, but like. the little flutters and the way his eyes start to move 😭 there's life left there. i feel like...... in moments like this, it sometimes feels like you might just lay there until you're dust. it's all over. the life you knew, the life you wanted. and yet - here he is again. and i think ian is genuinely surprised. this is where is starts being surprising to ian that he could be someone to come back for.

anyways. he turns around as fast as his medicated body will let him. we don't see his face when he first sees mickey, but we see it when he says "sorry i'm late." and it reminds me of the scene in 4x11 where mickey says "what you and i have makes me free." like it makes me insane. in both of these moments, his face just drops into something so young and so vulnerable.

like???? he's a little boy! and here is someone standing in front of him - someone he he has ALWAYS WANTED to stand in front of him - promising to be there. that he knows ian needed him. that he's here now for whatever might happen. reality is so warped these days but here he is.

and you see it land??? you see ian exhale and settle in a way he probably hasn't in a while. things are not okay. they're not okay!!! and they won't be for a while. but in this little moment together in this room where he grew up, he can breathe out the grief. he can share it.

mickey moves to get in bed and ian just makes room, like he always has. but he never blinks. doesn't dare take his eyes off of mickey. it's like he's scared mickey might change his mind, or dissolve right in front of him. is he even really there?

and there's another layer of disbelief here. another layer of grief. mickey milkovich is crawling back into his bed to hold him, and it's like this. it happened like this. everything he's done and suffered and been made to face comes down all at once. he's tired, he's scared. he's sorry. mickey has finally seen the worst of him.

he looks away, and mickey chases after him. i think it's important to mickey here that he lets ian feel him. something about that tactile, grounding comfort. and mickey won't look away either, it's too precious. ian's safe, even if nothing is the same.

and it's here, in these quivering lips and drawn eyebrows...... this is the release. his body and his mind have been through a lot in the last few days. it's as close to cathartic as ian really gets for a while. it's not long before the walls go back up and he's angry. but right now, he brings his hand to hold mickey's wrist, and he lets himself be held.

now.... this face:

this face fucking haunts me. i cannot name this face. what is he seeing here? i imagine it's so hard to see past this moment, into a future he can't name. it's like he's simultaneously feeling mickey there and also completely isolated. i can't explain this face. can anyone else explain this face???

either way, he closes his eyes against it. and you can assume that rest is coming.

with mickey keeping watch.

#i am legitimately in tears #i think...... #our focus as a fandom has shifted in a lot of ways #to our beloved himbo husbands and the silly slutty soft snarky future they share #and like! yes! yes let's! that's what they deserve! #don't mistake me i fucking love it #but the farther away we get from THIS #the harder it gets to come back to it #it becomes this abstract thing #and we end up saying things like #their history or what they overcame #or everything they've been through #it almost softens it #not saying that we need to be harping on the tragedy #it just feels so distant to the point where it's memed and convoluted #we've kind of desensitized ourselves? #i know we've probably said a lot of what we need to say #i don't think we need to constantly relive it or anything #i'm not making any sense #i don't know #this can be such a lonely way to live is all #i'm tired #ily anon #mel answers #5x08 #bipolar ian

[sturn-wrld]

🏮holding back

pairing: chris x reader (established relationship)

summary: where you feel chris is holding back

genre: SMUT (locals dni)

requested: yes (anon)

warnings: this story is all smut (dni if makes you uncomfortable) swearing as well i guess.

a/n: this is horseshit tbh. green is messages

masterlist

---------------------------------------------------------

you and chris were definitely not scared of being sexual with each other but you had noticed from the few times you had done things that he seemed to be holding back. you didn't know what it was or why you felt that way but you just had a feeling.

It was yet another lonely morning in bed where your lover refused to come over because he had 'things to do' but you couldn't help but think about him and his hot body.

"baby please come over"

"but i'm busy babe"

"please i'm so lonely rn 😭"

"I have one more meeting and then i'll be there"

"alright love you baby 🤭"

"mamas what was that emoji. i don't trust that emoji"

"i think you know"

"oh. i know now. i'll be there asap dw baby 😉"

you squirm on your bed as you smiled and read your amazing boyfriends text message. you can finally relive this built up urge to be fucked. but as you continued to think about the amazing time your about to have with your boyfriend you started to think about the looming thought you continually have.

but before you could ponder for too long you got an exhilarating knock on your door.

"baby let me in" 

it was your amazing boyfriend.

"hey baby" you say with a lustful look on your face but a confused thought in your brain as you sat back on your couch.

it is easy to say that he could clearly sense this.

"what's up? what are you thinking about?"

"do you ever hold back anything when we fuck?"

"what?"

"i mean it sounds weird but I have this like feeling that your holding back while you have sex with me and i can't get the thought out of my head. so do you hold back anything?"

you look up to him as you finish your rant and see his face of regret as he avoids eye contact.

"i mean i thought i could hide it well but clearly i can't. um, i uh, you know how i constantly talk like all the time well that doesn't change during sex. but i didn't want to scare you away so i just hold it in"

you look at him in absolute shock.

"babe that's really hot"

"what?"

he looks at you with absolute confusion.

"that's really really hot babe" you say again as you start to move closer to him.

"really?" he questions as he moves even closer to the point where your faces are touching.

"yeah" you say leaning into a passionate kiss.

within milliseconds he had reciprocated this kiss and started deepening this kiss. he slowly started moving from your mouth to your jaw to your neck and ear.

"your so beautiful"

he started whispering sweet nothings into your ear in between his lust filled open mouth kisses. these seemed to not end.

"your amazing love"

"your an incredible girlfriend"

"i love you so fucking much"

with each passing compliment you slowly became more aroused for your sexy boyfriend and his never ending sayings.

you both slowly became more impatient. the kisses became more rough as clothes were being tugged from your bodies.

chris slowly pulled your underwear down as he saw the puddle you had created.

"my baby's all wet for me is she?"

he asked looking up at you from where he was in between your legs.

all you could do was reply with whining moans.

"come on baby i need words" he said now becoming level with your face and staring deep into your eyes

"yes all for you" is all you could get out of your mouth.

"that's it my good girl"

he starts pulling down his own underwear now as you started grinding up on him.

"i need you" you somehow managed to say as he finished pulling down his pants.

"oh baby. i know." he says pushing himself into you with a grunt and a moan from your mouth.

"my sweet baby likes that huh?"

"yes" you moaned out

"do you need me to go faster or slower baby girl?" he said looking at you with seductive eyes

"faster please" you said at an almost whisper

"anything for my beautiful baby" he said as he started pounding into at an unforgivable pace

"my baby is so tight around me"

"your doing so good gorgeous"

"look at my amazing girl taking me so well"

he starts talking with his captivating voice again. all you could do is listen in absolute awe as you had never seen this side of him during sex and you were loving it.

"are you close baby?" he asks as he felt you clench around him

"yes. so close. don't stop" you said in reply which just made him go faster.

"oh my god. oh my god!" you started screaming as you came around his big dick.

he pounded you a few more times as you came down from your high before pulling out as he came.

"wow" you stated in absolute shock from this new chris

"what?" he questioned playing with your hair

"i'm just surprised you haven't talked my ear off like that before. it's so sexy"

"i will be more often then"

#strniolosworld #chris sturniolo x reader #chris sturniolo x you #sturniolo triplets #chris sturniolo #christopher sturniolo

[incorrect-jojolands-quotes]

People theorized Paco's one year hiatus as him being a rock human in hibernation or taking Barbara Ann's suggestion that he was in jail for theft, or he was simply on a different year-long adventure involving a crime spree.

My theory? Paco was gone for a year because he was actually hiding from his abusive father.

(trigger warning as I discuss child abuse and abuse regarding food)

My headcanon is that Paco dealt with abuse from his father for his entire childhood. He's tried to escape and find help but he was failed too many times by the adults in his life. Him getting his ear bitten off ended up being a turning point, because it was around the time he met Meryl Mei. We know she's a beloved principal and, as a school employee, is a mandated reporter. Whether Meryl Mei genuinely wanted to help Paco out or see him as a potential underling that can be manipulated is up to interpretation, but she used her resources to finally get Paco's dad arrested and imprisoned.

I don't see Paco's dad as someone who would willingly plead guilty and go off quietly. I don't think he'd hesitate to drag the trial for as long as possible, encourage his lawyers to intimidate and invalidate Paco's experiences in court, and possibly hire people to attack Paco outside of court. Even with Meryl Mei's resources to protect Paco and provide what he needs to fight against his father, the whole process for a child like Paco is mentally and emotionally exhausting. Hearings and meetings with social workers or legal counsel involve occuring when he should be in school, being forced to relive your abuse on trial and be cross examined for it sometimes back to back, going into hiding for fear of retaliation because even the police and witness protection may not be enough, and the fact that everyone eventually catches on that your dad is on trial because of you means school is put on the back burner. Paco tried to keep up with his studies at first, but he ultimately halted them as the trial takes a toll on his overall well-being.

To add, the stress of it all could explain how he was formerly chubby and then leaner so rapidly. We don't know exactly why he started out chubby before being very shredded, although there is a correlation between those who experienced childhood trauma and those who develop unhealthy eating habits that lead to obesity. It's possible Paco used food as a coping mechanism growing up or intentionally fattened himself as part of his survival. Food could have also been used against him by his father as well, either by forcing Paco to gain weight or withholding food as punishment. In terms of the latter, it could explain how Paco developed his kleptomaniac tendencies and his chubbiness could be due to him constantly stealing what he can to get his next meal and eating anything he can in fear of not knowing where his next meal will be.

Long story short, Paco's dad is now in prison for crimes of child abuse among other things and it will be a while before any chance of him getting out will happen. By now, Paco is a legal adult and therefore no longer forced to be under any guardianship but he no longer has to look over his shoulder like before. Although he had to be held back, he can return to school safely to finish his education under Meryl Mei and he prefers to keep his experience under wraps for the time being. Out of gratitude and feeling indebt to her, Paco became a loyal lackey and ended up working with Jodio and Dragona shortly after. I personally think he lost some weight due to stress caused by the situation, and continued to lose weight afterwards because he finally could relax and get better access to food among other things. Paco took the opportunity to start focusing on his wellbeing now that he's no longer on survival mode, being able to maintain a healthier diet and lose weight more sustainably, and it further motivated him to get the ripped muscles he has now.

Unfortunately, with how things timed out, his ear couldn't be reattached. Whether Paco is saving up for his ear to be improved or sees it as a symbol of his survival is up to you.

What do y'all think? I'd like to hear your own headcanons about Paco too.

#the jojolands #jjba #jojo part 9 #jojos bizarre adventure #jjba part 9 #jojolands #jjba jojolands #paco laburantes #jojolands headcanons #jojo headcanons #i hc meryl mei gives off this bruno vibe of picking up kids and treating them as her own but it's not for found family reasons #she's taking advantage of their vulnerable situations so they can be loyal underlings who feel indebt to her supposed kindness #i have a theory she intentionally seeks out these kids and makes them think she's the only adult who understands and supports them #some cases like paco she actually saved him and gained a lackey as a result others she intentionally manipulated more #paco's story is sad but in the end he's free from his dad's abuse #but meryl mei is a crime boss at the end of the day and she's using vulnerable kids to commit crimes #i have a theory regarding this and jodio #ok no more rambling

[greenqueenhightower]

Season 1 from Alicent's POV:

You wake up one morning and your mother is dead. You are told to ask no questions. Your father didn't use to pay much attention to you, but now he calls you to Red Keep. Maybe you will be useful. The King has an only daughter after all, close to your age. You like it there, and you become friends with the King's daughter. But then, her mother dies. You are not allowed to relive the grief of losing your own mother or grieve with your friend, because suddenly, the Queen is dead, and that leaves up space for another. Your father says so. More importantly, the King's Hand instructs you so and tells you to be the King's friend. "But we don't have anything in common," you say, "He very well could have been my father," you think. No matter. "You should wear one of your mother's dresses." And you do. And you try hard not to say the wrong thing, but you don't know whom you should please and you're not allowed to be yourself. "What would Rhenyra think? What would father think? What would the King think? What would The Seven think? What does that mean for me?" you wonder. You are advised to not talk about what you are doing to anyone. Oh, and don't tell your best friend you are secretly meeting with her father. Let this poison your relationship. Your King tells you so.

It has now become known that the King wants a new wife. You pray you'd get out of this somehow, but you realize that he wants you. Now, what will you do? Well, your father would be pleased and proud for once. Viserys would make you his Queen. Maybe Rhaenyra will understand? Maybe this is what you want too? No, don't think about what you want. It doesn't matter anyway. The King has declared that he will marry you.

The wedding is on. You see Otto's eyes glowing with pride and his smile is beaming. Rhaenyra does not even look at you. It pains you so much and you want to tear up but the King is watching. The feast is over and your father calls you to his chambers. He tells you about your duties as the King's wife. "If your mother was alive, she would know how to best put this," he says, as he explains that you have to yield to Viserys' desires. Yes, he uses that very word. So you do that. You go to your husband when he calls you. He says he will try to be gentle with you, but you loathe his very touch. Somehow it feels so wrong; he is your friend's father, and he is twice your age. But he is the King. And you are a Queen now.

The days pass without Rhaenyra's friendship. When did you stop dreaming? When did you stop being a little girl? Why can't you roam the halls again, arms linked together? Oh. You suddenly find out why. You are pregnant. You are a big girl now. Your first thought is to tell your friend, go to Rhaenyra, and share the news with her. But she wouldn't like that. Then who can you tell? Who else do you have to share such big and important news with? Your father doesn't need to be told, he guesses right away and calls you to him. "You will have to be very careful now," he says. "Queen Aemma had lost six children." Somehow, everyone is suddenly more attentive. Not to you, but to your royal womb. You panic when it's time to give birth. Everything is so new and terrifying. Viserys is happy. It's a son! You send word to Rhaenyra, to meet her baby brother. "I hope that is alright?" you think. "It's not like my son will be heir to the throne. That's still Rhaenyra's."

Your father hits you with the stark reality, however. Your children are growing up in an uncertain future with Rhaenyra as heir, constantly vulnerable to the threat of war. You still try and support her, you trust her, and you encourage her father to find a suitable match for her. But she lies to you. Or does she? You can't be sure. She is serving you half-truths. Does she really think you are stupid and you will not find out that she is no longer a maiden? How can you trust her again after that? If she is lying to your face, then why wouldn't she threaten the lives of your children if need be? No, you need to act. Your father was right. It's you or her.

Ten years have passed and you can still see through Rhaenyra's lies. She still thinks you are a fool, doesn't she? Of course none of her children are Laenor's! Why can't nobody else see that? But you can. Because you used to be friends once. And as usual, she is getting what she wants without questions and she avoids all consequences, whereas you have to fight for all you have, alone. She will always have Viserys' support, and you will always have four heirs. It's not about you and Rhaenyra anymore, but about the survival of your family. Yet, you still want decency and honor to prevail, and you want to serve the realm above all.

At this vulnerable time when you need council the most, your informant over the years finds a way to cast his net over you. Did you really think he was being a genuine friend, and that he would not want anything in return? Now you could be implicated in two murders. How did you end up in this situation? Larys becomes another person to whose wishes you should comply.

Then the most tragic thing of all happens. Your son, Aemond, is maimed. He loses an eye. You have never felt more excruciating pain at the sight and a flaming rage toward those responsible. It was Lucaerys, Rhaenyra's son. He should apologize. She could show she's sorry and deeply saddened over what happened. But no, she manages to use the incident to position herself as the victim. "Is she for real now?" you think. "How can she be so heartless, so cold, so cruel? Doesn't she know what I have lost, all in her hands? Does she really have the nerve to pretend that she is offended by mere words, while MY SON LOST AN EYE? She really knows no limits, does she?" And you finally snap, and you hurt her. You have never done this before, and now you see her blood trickling. Goodness, it's really her blood you spilled!

How can things ever be right now that she has that visible proof? Yet, you still think she would make a great queen. That is, until Viserys tells you that "Aegon" should be King and that you must "unite the realm against the cold and the dark." You are the only one who can do it. Now what? Once again, you face a dilemma. Should you stand by Rheanyra as heir, or should you trust Viserys' dying words? Can you really trust that Rhaenyra will ensure the survival of your children, after all her lies? And what is really best for them, and for the whole realm? Before you even have time to think, your father and the Small Council tell you that the succession is settled and that Aegon is to be crowned King. Once again, the desires of others precede yours. They want to kill Rhaenyra! Now, that's too much. You could never consent to anything like that. You were once friends and still--you still don't know how you quite feel about her. But you know you could never be the one to kill her.

The Silent Sisters cover up Viserys' body and you can finally mourn him, along with your lost years of innocence. Your abuser is finally dead. But your ordeals are not over yet. You will have to crown Aegon as King, this is the only way. Rhaenys violently disrupts the coronation and now you know that no one is safe. She will go to Rhaenyra, and Rhaenyra will react. Did you do the right thing? Did you try and protect your children and the realm as best you could? Time will only tell. You are used to the twists of fate after all. But one thing is certain: nothing will be the same again because you are the Green Queen and she has the blood of the dragon.

#hotd headcanon #alicent hightower #alicent #the green queen #hotd thoughts #house of the dragon #hotd #team greens #rhaenicent #rhaenyra targaryen #rhaenyra #the greens #green siblings #anti viserys i targaryen #queen alicent #alicenthightowerdaily #alicent thoughts #alicent headcanon #pro team green #asoiaf #a song of ice and fire #alicent fic #hotd fanfic #writers on tumblr #hotd writers #pro alicent hightower #the green council #hotd rant #hotd meta #greenqueenhightower

[panda-writing]

Fives Lives: Bad Batch Pilot Episode AU

Dividers by: @ saradika @ freesia-writes / @ lornaka

Note: So it got kinda long...

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Content Warnings: death mention, mention of medical procedures/experiments, loss, imprisonment, lack of sleep/exhaustion, mention or reprogramming aka messing with mind. (I think that's all of them)

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The sound of the blaster went off.

He felt the searing pain of being shot as he looked at the hole in his chestplate

Falling to the ground...

Getting shot.

Dying.

That was the easy part. Why was that the easy part?

Maybe because everything after that made it harder..

He at least thought he had. If what he had felt wasn't dying.. He wasn't sure what was.

"Call for help! We need a medic!"

He remembered what, at the time he was certain was death as he grew weaker and weaker as his ori'vod help him in his arms.

"Stay with me Fives. Fives!"

He heard Rex beg for his life as he was fighting the urge to pass out. He remembered as Rex clung to his body.

He looked into the face of Commander Fox. "Don't do it trooper! Don't do it!"

He panicked. He couldn't let Palatine kill him before the truth got out.

His Vod shot him down. Quickly.

Now.. He had the feeling that Fox was under orders. The chip.

She drugged him. He wouldn't have ever done that if she hadn't drugged him. To this moment he was filled with regrets.

He woke up. The recent events, fresh on his mind.

Wait... How long had it been?

Wearing the blacks. His wound healed almost..

A brief sense of security until his mind came into focus. He lay on a medical table.

Kamino.

Ever since he woke up... It was constant experiments, it felt like... Done by Nala Se, mainly. Or spending the day in a cell.

He enjoyed the cell more.

How long had he been here? Every day was the same. It was moments like these he had to wonder if being killed on Umbara would've been better. At least then, it was because he did his duty.

The nightmares started.

Not too long after the first day he remembered. The experiments. The poking and prodding.. It now just freaked him out.

There was no comfort in any of this.

He was the last of his batch, surely they expected better of him.

He had been. He did the right thing. But now.. All he was seen as was the clone that went rogue then insane and tried to murder their political leader... Despite what the truth really was.

He had suspicions Nala Se enjoyed the suffering this caused him. Her anger and disdain as he tried to uncover the truth before his 'death' the drugging.. He almost undermined her. And the Kaminoans, they wouldn't like that much. Was this his payback?

The nightmares still went strong. Constantly reliving the death of Echo, his twin... The massacre on Umbara.. How he had been hunted down like a terrorist. And how no one believed a word he said.

He had a break once. It lasted for a little while... Until Nala Se found out about it. It was a research assistant to her. A sister. Omega.

She would come in often. And they just talked about anything. He'd tell her about the war if she asked. She'd tell him about her day.

But eventually he was moved somewhere else in the cloning facility. And then the visits stopped.

He knew when the war ended. And it was more than just the feeling he got

He noticed the shock troopers passing through. And then he noticed clones occasionally moving past his cell, now Shock troopers on duty.

He knew.

He had been right about the fears plaguing his mind. Now that he wasn't completely kept from everything and everyone.. He assumed this meant the worst.

They didn't consider what he knew a threat anymore. He had lost.

He noticed the difference in the troopers around him. They were all under control of those chips and there was nothing he could do to save them...

They weren't completely robotic it seemed. As they had things to say about him. The shock troopers knew who he was. Some of them might've been in the group that was sent to kill or arrest him. There was no real way of telling.

For Rex.. He hoped he had either been able to stop what was happening, get out of that situation... Or have died before his free will was taken like everyone else.

The clones around him made their opinions known. The words hurting more than before.

"Defect."

"Bad Batcher."

Back in his domino days. They had also called him and his batchmates bad batchers at times.

But this was different. Maybe because the implications were steeper now. Now he was looked at as a traitor instead of the soldier he once was. Every day he spent fighting for the republic... Washed away just like that. Forgotten.

The troopers guarding his cell were talking some shit. Not like the rogue clone was ever gonna escape, right?

Or maybe they just didn't care he was right there, thinking even less of him.

"I heard they're gonna be messing in his head to try and fix the crazy."

"They'll ship him out to some top secret research facility."

"If it works they'll put him back on the line of duty."

"If not Tarkin'll order him decommissioned or killed, I bet."

"If he wants to live he'd better shape up-"

Suddenly their comms beeped.

"Clone force 99 has escaped, we're supposed to meet up with CT-9904 to cut off their escape!"

They grabbed their weapons before running out of the room.

He had to wonder about this Clone Force 99. If they were going after them.. Maybe they had went against the Chancellor too.

If this was the case he hoped they actually escaped instead of being stuck in a situation much like his own.

On a side upfront.. He looked ahead at his ARC gear. It had been saved. Before he didn't understand why.. But now he had.

It usually served as a little... Miniscule sort of comfort. It was his past and the only thing he had ever truly owned. It was the armor he painted alongside his twin.

A reminder of how he made it to ARC Trooper. The dream they all shared, butost hadn't gotten to see... So he promised himself he'd live it for them. He had to get out of here one day...

When they tried to move him, he was gonna fight like haran. For his squad.. And for all of his brothers.

He had tried to escape, fight his way out many times. The cell fought him back, making him weaker than when he first attempted it.

He was leaning against the bottom wall of his cell. His head was tilted back, he was trying to rest some from all of the exhaustion. His knees against his chest, and his arms crossed around them.

Suddenly he heard voices near the door of the room. The Shock troopers had forgotten to shut it.

"Normally we wouldn't even consider sticking our neck out for a reg like this... But I hear he's a special case."

"They also said he went against order 66, but that seems unlikely because according to records.. he's been here a while."

"I heard shock troopers talking about reprogramming him. When we were in the cell."

"If we don't get him out..."

"We'd better hurry if we're gonna get him out and back to the ship before the shocks find us."

They walked in. He could tell they were clones, but they definitely didn't look like any he knew.

One had goggles and the other was even more different. His arm was a scomp link and he had ports in his head along with a pale ish skin tone.

He took notice of them. They weren't wearing their armor, but instead they were in their blacks.

These must've been the escaped clones the shock troopers were talking about.. He had also been in his, that was standard as a Kaminoan Prisoner.

He took notice as the pale one walked in slowly, to a stop.. his eyes were fixated on something. Fives turned his head, and noticed him looking at his armor intently.

The one in googles was looking at something on a datapad. Then suddenly he looked between the other one and himself, a look of realization..? was crossing his face.

Was the pale one.. from the 501st? Did he recognize him? He seemed in disbelief upon looking at his armor. Stopping in his tracks.

The clone wearing goggles noticed the distraction and tapped the pale one on the shoulder.

"I understand this might be a complicated situation for you. But you must remain focused if all of us are to leave alive."

"I.. Yeah I got it. Just this belonged to... Nevermind. We better hurry."

"You'll have to scomp in. Once we break him out, they'll know if we don't divert their attention. He appears to be on high priority."

They rushed to a terminal, center room.

One typed away ferviously as the one beside him, plugged in and twisted against the gears with the scomp in his arm.

"Got it Tech."

Tech pressed a button.

"We don't have a lot of time. If you want to get out without your brain being reconstructed, you'll need to grab your things and push on."

Fives hopped to his feet, though the exhaustion all over his body was still evident. He moved over to his old gear.

"Hey, uh thanks for saving me. Haven't been out for a while." He was placing the armor plates over his blacks.

"It's what we do.. And really no one deserves to be stuck like that." The pale one said before turning around.

He was in shock, staggering backwards despite his mechanical limbs.

Fives sent a glance upwards after securing his kama.

He looked at the trooper ahead of him. Something felt familiar... Then he looked at his eyes.

He held his breath..

He didn't move, looking ahead.

Echo

He didn't blink, scared he was hallucinating it all.

Scared he would just disappear...

Tech noticed the silence, he knew why. He could understand it from a psychological standpoint.. But they had more pressing concerns.

"We are running out of time. Hunter can't wait on us forever when everyone on Kamino will be looking for us."

Fives shook his head, to snap out of it. It took Echo a little longer to regain focus at first, but he did. They were soldiers.. It's what was required of them.

"Right." Fives finished securing his armor and placed his helmet on his head.

He never thought he'd wear it again. He never thought he'd see Echo again either... The day was full of surprises. Despite the overall horrible... This was good. Though he did feel guilty for thinking it.

"Got a blaster Echo?"

"Back with our gear in the hangar bay."

Fives tossed one of his DC-17s to his vod'ika. Echo caught it.

Tech pressed a button on the datapad.

"Now we move. The cell's alarm is triggered."

They rushed out, hoping to make it back before Crosshair realized they were missing.

Upon reaching the hangar, Echo handed Fives back his blaster before moving to the trunks of gear to find his own.

"Fives?" Omega said surprised as she saw him. She hasn't seen him in months. She wasn't even sure he was still here.

"Yeah kid, it's me. It's good to see you."

She hugged him from the side as batch 99 started and finished grabbing their gear. He returned the hug briefly. Echo and Hunter looked over at them curiously.

"Haven't seen Crosshair over here yet." Hunter finished gearing up.

"Omega, keep with Echo and The Reg..."

Fives moved next to Echo and the crate he had just finished grabbing from.

"Tech, get the ship fired up, we might need a quick escape."

Tech nodded and moved for the ship, readying it.

"And Wrecker, with me. We're finding Crosshair."

"You've got it Sarge."

Omega picked up Wrecker's Lula. As she stood on her feet, she noticed the bay doors.

"I think he had the same idea." Omega said pointing to the bay doors, as they slowly opened.

Fives set his blasters to stun as he ducked behind the crate with Echo. The others also ducked.

A squad of shock troopers came rushing in, their carbines were pointed in their direction.

Crosshair carried a sniper rifle as he walked in.

Hunter stood up, walking to the center as he looked at Crosshair.

Wrecker, Echo and Fives peered over their crates.

"Is that...Crosshair?"

Crosshair stared ahead at Fives, but quickly returned his attention to Hunter.

"Best surrender. Sargeant."

"Turn in the reg. Make it...easy on yourself."

"Are you out of your mind?!" Hunter exclaimed

"We should've killed that Jedi. You disobeyed orders."

"I did what I thought was right!" He defended

"How's that working out for you? Now you're throwing in with a reg, a traitorous one at that and... A kid?"

"Now Surrender."

Hunter looked back at the men. Wrecker put his helmet on his head and readied his weapon. Echo was aiming, and the ARC Trooper nodded his head as he took aim.

He returned his look to Crosshair. "Is that an order?"

Crosshair smirked. "Heh. I guess it is."

"Well.. I guess I'm disobeying that one too."

The tension was high as soldiers stared upon each other, daring the other to make the first move.

The silence. Loud.

Crosshair's expression narrowed, his finger inched closely on the trigger of his hand held pistol and sniper rifle.

Then he fired a shot.

Hunter ducked in time and it had hit the side of the ship.

It was quick to become a firefight.

In the end, the batch escaped mainly unscathed, except for Wrecker who had been shot by Crosshair.

Echo was currently tending to him. And this was giving Fives the entire world time to think.

But thinking.. Was all he had since he was in that cell. He was tired of thinking.

Omega had shot the blasters out of Crosshair's hands. It was a very impressive feat for an untrained clone.

Hunter walked over to Fives. Even Tech would easily read that which appeared all over his face.

"Uh thanks... For covering us back there." He started an awkward conversation.

"It's what we do.." He said a hazy focus.

"What's on your mind uh...-"

"Fives."

Hunter chuckled briefly.

"What is it?"

"ARC-5555?" He looked up at his 5 tattoo after he spoke.

"Uh yeah?"

"That's a little on the nose, isn't it?"

"Says the guy who has batchmates named Tech, Crosshair and Wrecker." Fives

Okay, he had him there.

"So... Uh.. Heard you tried to kill the Chancellor.."

"That's just the version clones were told about me. Because the truth... Would've stopped this from ever happening."

Fives held his palm against the side wall as he sighed.

"You mean order 66?"

"It was much worse... But that was a big part of it."

He looked back at Echo, fending off Wrecker who complained about the medical attention.

"It's why they pushed the crazy clone narrative so hard. Because if I appeared insane... No one would believe me."

"And it worked."

"They expect all of us to be unthinking droids... To follow every order without a single question? But.. That's not who I am. They weren't expecting it, I suppose."

"They weren't prepared for me to investigate when things were clearly not right... It was unsettling to them. They had to take the nuclear option to protect the skeletons in their closets."

"You defied their 'programming?' too?" Hunter asked

"Good soldiers follow orders.. But the best ones know when not to." Fives said

"That type of thinking usually gets you labelled as a defect."

"Eh, I'm used to it. My squad and I, we've been hearing that one since were cadets." Fives said

"Maybe they were right. But I figure the way things are going, that's how you know you're in the right."

"Conforming to the standards of the rest.. They are basically unthinking droids. I wouldn't want that either."

"You know you might be stuck with us for a while, considering the move we just made." Hunter said

"You're all brothers. It's more than I had back when I was imprisoned on Kamino."

"And you don't care that we're not.. Well, regs?" Hunter asked

"Why should I care about that?"

"Don't examine me! I'm not a computer!" They heard Wrecker yell out.

They looked over at him, diverting their attention.

"This will just take a second."

Hunter uncrossed his arms, he glanced at Fives before they began to walk over.

"Get that thing away from me!"

Echo looked past, seeing Fives again. Well... Now was as good of a time to address this as any.

Fives looked over at him. There was a sigh in relief.

Omega silently observed them. Having already known they were batch mates.

Wrecker, Tech and Hunter were busy talking about Cross hair, until they realized Echo wasn't part of the conversation. He walked over to Fives.

"Did you miss me?" Echo asked, breaking the long silence as he reached his twin's location.

Fives didn't say anything as he quickly pulled him into a tight hug.

Echo took a breath, returning the hug with his one good arm.

"It's really you... I can't believe it."

They caught the attention of the others, the only ones not appearing to be confused were Tech and Omega.

"I'm so sorry.. I never should have-"

"It's not your fault. I never blamed you." Echo said

"I left you.."

"No. You followed orders."

"Look where following orders has gotten clones." He sighed, blame on himself...

"What happened?" They asked at the same time after a silence.

They let go finally.

"Fives.. Rex told me you were killed. In fact you're listed as legally dead."

"How are you-"

"I don't know. There's.. things I just don't remember." He was honest, his mind was hazy at times

"You recognized me back on Kamino. Before anyone else ever called me Echo."

"Like I would ever not recognize you Ech'ika?"

"What.. Happened.. After.. You know." Fives said

"I take it they used to know each other." Hunter said off hand

"I would certainly hope so, being batchmates and all." Tech replied as if it was the most obvious thing in the world

"What?" Hunter asked

His eyes were glued to the datapad.

"CT-27-5555 and CT-1409 were the last remaining members of Domino Squad, both making it to ARC Trooper status shortly after helping The Republic take a win during the Battle of Kamino. Report by Taun We.."

"Domino Squad consisted of members Hevy, Cutup, Droid-Bait, Echo and Fives. Three of the Five were killed on their first mission at the Rishi Moon outpost. Echo and Fives were the last remaining, and were requested for the 501st legion by Captain Rex."

"Echo was seemingly killed by an explosion at the citadel rescue, leaving Fives as the last remaining Domino before the parasite turned him crazy, resulting in his death by blaster, Commander Fox."

"I have recently been informed that Echo survived the blast, and was taken captive by the Techno Union. Later joining with Clone Force 99. Report taken by General Shaak Ti."

"So you mean they're from the same squad?" Wrecker asked

"That is what I just said."

"Can they read each other's minds?" Omega asked

"What do you mean?" Hunter asked

"They keep giving each other looks without talking and look like they're having a conversation." Omega said

"Maybe they have telepathy!" Wrecker said

"I highly doubt that as a possibility." Tech said

The Domino Twins walked over together after finishing their conversation. Echo came by to check on Wrecker. And Fives briefly spoke with Tech as Hunter spoke up to Omega.

"Impressive shot back there." Hunter looked to Omega

"Where'd you learn to do that?"

"I don't know.  I never fired a blaster before."

"I guess I just got lucky."

The attention of the others was diverted to the conversation when Echo spoke up.

"She's not the only one." He moved Wrecker up.

"I'm fine. It'll take more than a blaster shot to take me down." Wrecker said

"You were down." Echo reminds him.

"Yeah, well.. Not for long!" He laughed out loud, playfully punching Echo in the arm.

He groaned in pain shortly after.

"So uh.. Where are we gonna go now? Not exactly a lot of places for clone deserters and a clone traitor." Fives asked Hunter

"I thought we could go off on our own. Lay low."

"But with Crosshair gunning for us, I'm not so sure." Hunter was thinking

"What about your friends?  Can any of them help us?" Omega asks

"That would be a short list.." Tech said

"Well.. I can think of one. Plot a course for J-19." Hunter said

Tech nodded his head and set the Navi computer.

"J-19?" The twins spoke up at the same time.

"We know a guy."

The ship was silent.

Wrecker and Omega were huddled up together, asleep.

Tech was flying the ship through hyperspace.

Fives and Echo were sitting next to one another. Fives rubbed his eyes, he still tried hiding how tired he really was.

"Fives. Get some sleep. Even those two are asleep by now." He motioned towards Omega and Wrecker.

"I'm not tired."

Echo scoffed. How dumb did this fool think he was?

"Did you by chance forget who you tried that with just now?" Echo was a little snarky

"Or did you perhaps think I somehow don't know you anymore?"

"I'm the one person who has always known you and will always know you."

Fives looked down at the floor. And Echo put his hand on his shoulder.

"Hey, what's going on?"

He didn't want to bring it up.

"I really don't want to talk about this right now."

"We haven't seen each other since the Citadel before today. And the first problem you're having.. You don't even want to talk about it?"

"I have my reasons." He responded

"They all- look.."

"You're right. We did just get each other back. And that's exactly why I don't want to ruin that with this."

"Talk to me."

It was easy to slip back into old habits with Echo around. Of course.. Things were somehow harder now than it had been.. But there were a few things in this moment that did feel the same.

"Well uh...I don't sleep...really. Not anymore."

"Things have gotten worse the longer I was there."

"I just can't take it... It's all the nightmares. They just.."

"Everytime I sleep.. I'm reliving it."

"I only sleep when I absolutely have to. Maybe 2 times a week."

"Things are different now.. They've been difficult for a while." Echo said

"We never really seem to catch a break,  do we?"

"No.. We really don't." Fives responded

"Except this time." Echo said

"After every horrible thing that's happened this last... Well since the Empire. It brought back our best way to fight through these things. Being together."

"As long as we live.. We're still batchmates. And you're still my twin. Though I might not exactly look the part anymore."

The joke resulted in a chuckle from the pair as they made eye contact.

"Try and sleep. I'll be right here the whole time." He promised.

"We're going to get through this eventually."

"You know after everything... It did nothing. The warning. No one believed me and no one was saved." Fives sighed.

"It might have."

"Do you think it's ever gonna be okay?" Fives asked

"I know.. We're clones. We were made for being soldiers.."

"But this brings back the fear.. What are they going to do to our brothers now that the war is over?"

"I don't know Ori'vod.. But we are going to save who we can."

Fives rested his head on Echo's shoulder.

"If they could see us now.. I hope they'd be proud." Echo said

"They would." Fives answered

#star wars the clone wars #the bad batch #fives survives tbb au #arc trooper fives #arc trooper echo #tbb echo #tbb omega #tbb wrecker #tbb crosshair #tbb tech #tbb hunter #the bad batch au #ficlet

[bluejaysandblackbats]

Catch and Release

Fandom: DC Comics, Batfam

Summary: AU where Jason doesn't die in the explosion and he and Tim end up attending the same high school months later.

Chapters: 4/?

Characters: Jason Todd, Bruce Wayne, Alfred Pennyworth, Tim Drake, Dick Grayson, Barbara Gordon, Sebastian Ives, Jack Drake, Janet Drake

Relationships: TBA

Additional Tag: Jason Todd Lives, Jason Todd-centric, POV Jason Todd, POV First Person, Tim Drake Has Issues, Tim Drake Has Issues, Tim Drake is Not Robin, Jason Todd is Not Robin (Anymore), Bruce Wayne Needs a Hug, Alfred Pennyworth is the Best, Alfred Pennyworth Knows, Stalker Tim Drake, Jason Todd Has Chronic Pain, Jason Todd Has PTSD, Angst with a Happy Ending, Unlikely Friends, Injury Recovery, Emotional Baggage, Rage, Bruce Wayne is Bad at Communicating

Chapter Four: Looking Glasses

My glasses weren't ready for my Wednesday appointment, but they were done the Friday after my second week of school. So, I took a cab to the optometrist's and then the pizza parlor, where I ran into Tim. He was with his friends, so I thought he wouldn't notice me. "One meat lover's pizza with thin garlic butter crust," I ordered. I waited in the corner, drinking out of the two-liter soda I bought to drown my misery. I had a crappy week at school and didn't want to speak to talk to anyone. The smell of pizza usually left me in a better mood. Besides, I liked being away from the house and the family. I ate the fries they gave me for dining in and watched people standing at the street corner.

"Order for Christopher!" the man at the counter called. I finished my fries, threw the two-liter in my bag, and grabbed my crutches. When I got to the counter, I realized I couldn't carry my pizza and use my crutches. Tim got up and offered to help. I was mortified. I hid my name and everything to avoid speaking to him, only to need his help.

"Here, listen, my driver's on his way. He can drop you off if you want, and I'll help you to your-."

"I don't wanna be any trouble," I interrupted. I said it harshly without meaning to, but I don't think Tim cared. He'd been following me around campus all day, and we just so happened to meet at the pizza place. It would've felt like he was stalking me had he not gotten there first. "I should've thought-."

"No, it's okay. It's really no trouble. I insist," Tim replied.

There was no polite way to turn him down, and his driver just pulled up out front. "I'll split this pie with you if you don't take me home."

Tim grinned a half-smile. "Alright. Come on, I've got your pizza," Tim reassured me. He carried my pizza to the car, and I followed him out.

Once we got in the car, I asked the question I'd had since the first day of school. "Are you watching me? At school, I mean?" I asked.

"I've been-. I'm curious. People talk, and-. Well, you never let anybody close enough to learn anything about you," Tim replied. I knit my brows with great effort.

"What do you wanna know, Tim?" I asked.

"Jason, what kind of accident was it?" Tim questioned.

"Explosion... Gas leak explosion. I don't like to talk about it," I lied. Honestly, I was dying to talk about it. I was sick of holding it all inside myself, but I couldn't afford to let anyone in my head. Especially not some freshman I'd known for less than a week. Tim gave me my pizza box and the okay to eat in the car. I set the box between us and draped an open napkin over my lap. I let Tim eat, but he wasn't hungry. I ate in silence.

It'd been a while since I'd had pizza. I think it was my birthday the last time. I was in the hospital then. Bruce wanted to cheer me up, but all I could think about was my-. I could only think about Sheila. I tried to take the brunt of the blast, but I wasn't big enough. She impaled her skull on a rock anyway. So, I lay trapped between the debris and her lifeless body for what felt like forever. I relived that moment constantly. Lately, I only think about it when I feel trapped. "Jason?" Tim whispered as he touched my arm. It shook me out of a trance. "You alright? You were gone for a while... We're at my house now."

"Oh, we're here?" I mumbled as if I'd been asleep. I slipped my backpack on, and Tim helped me carry my pizza box inside. His house was mostly empty, save for a maid or nanny working on the premises. He set the box on the coffee table and turned the tv on.

I took my homework out of my bag and sat it upright on the floor. "You're gonna do your homework?" Tim asked. I nodded and put on my glasses.

"Yeah, that's what I typically do when I get a minute to sit down," I half-joked. Tim shrugged and flipped through the channels.

"Would it be distracting if I asked you a few questions?" Tim asked. I shook my head. "Jason, when you were thirteen, you went on a short trip to Hollywood over the spring break, right?" The question was weird, but I nodded.

"Yeah, I was visiting a friend. He invited me out to see the movie his Aunt worked on," I answered. That was a half-truth.

"Did you get to see Robin while you were there?" Tim asked.

I laughed it off. "Robin lived in Gotham... But no one's seen much of him lately," I replied. Tim nodded seriously and turned toward the tv.

"He was in Los Angeles that week," Tim replied, "Weird coincidence, huh?"

"What are you getting at, Tim?" I asked.

"Nothing, I'm just a big fan of Robin. I always ask," Tim whispered. I took a deep breath. "I'm coming on too strong, huh?

"A little," I replied as I opened my history book and filled out my worksheet. It took me an hour to finish my homework before I asked Tim to call me a cab.

Tim seemed sad at first, but he called the cab anyway. When the cab got there, he lingered out front with me. "Hey, um-."

"Thanks for everything, Tim. Can we do this again?" I asked. Tim grinned. I didn't want to admit it, but it was the first time I'd felt normal since the accident. I didn't want to let that feeling go. I opened the door and waved at Tim before heading home.

As soon as I got home, Bruce came out of the manor fuming. He waited until I reached the front door to start in on me. "Where the hell have you been?" Bruce asked, whispering through clenched teeth.

"I got my glasses, ate, and did my homework... How are you?" I asked.

"I was worried-. Did you ask me how I was?" Bruce questioned. I nodded. I never asked him how he was. I think my sincerity shocked him. I offered an awkward smile. "I'm alright... How are you?"

"I'm good... I think-. Yeah, I'm good," I smiled. Bruce let me in, and I took the stairlift without argument. I didn't even have to argue with him. I chose peace and peace felt... Kinda nice.

#fic #batfam #catch and release fic #Jason Todd #Bruce Wayne #Alfred Pennyworth #Tim Drake #Dick Grayson #Barbara Gordon #Sebastian Ives #Jack Drake #Janet Drake #Jason Todd Lives #Jason Todd-centric #POV Jason Todd #POV First Person #Tim Drake Has Issues #Tim Drake is Not Robin #Jason Todd is Not Robin (Anymore) #Bruce Wayne Needs a Hug #Alfred Pennyworth is the Best #Alfred Pennyworth Knows #Stalker Tim Drake #Jason Todd Has Chronic Pain #Jason Todd Has PTSD #Angst with a Happy Ending #Unlikely Friends #Injury Recovery #Emotional Baggage #Rage

[sokkastyles]

I'm wondering which characters you feel exhibited symptoms of PTSD in ATLA? Of course they didn't delve into it too deeply or outright state anything of the sort, but I think it could be inferred.

PTSD is complex and varied and can be a lot of different things. I think all of the main characters show signs of post-traumatic responses at various times, but as you said, it's not something that is as extensively explored as a serious adult show dealing with such topics would.

Bad dreams or repeated thoughts of the traumatic event, such as those had by Aang, Katara, and Zuko are common symptoms of PTSD. Zuko exhibits physical reactions and the fight or flight response to a hand coming at his face unexpectedly. All three of them feel guilt, anger, and depression over what happened.

There's also a difference between PTSD and CPTSD. The latter, complex post-traumatic stress disorder, can develop when the trauma is ongoing and the victim does not perceive an end to it. Zuko, Azula, and Toph have this, because they grew up in abusive homes. CPTSD is different because it affects your core identity and ability to regulate emotional responses, because it's not just a response to one event, but an continuing series of events and a situation where a person is in a prolonged state of fight or flight. Of the three of them, Zuko probably has it the strongest, because he was actively in danger constantly, but Azula would also develop it by seeing Zuko be put in danger constantly ( which is why she builds her personality on not being Zuko) and Toph's personality is greatly influenced by the way her parents treated her as helpless, such as her defiance of social norms and determination to be independent in ways that sometimes sabotage her relationships with others. Zuko and Azula also have difficulties forming relationships with others due to ongoing trauma from an adult close to them.

To a lesser extent, I think Sokka and Katara exhibit CPTSD from living under the threat that their village could be invaded by the Fire Nation at any moment. You see this with Sokka's immediate distrust and fear of Aang and Katara's desperate hope in him and constant reliving of her mother's murder, as well as her need to take care of others and her abandonment issues which sometimes cause her to lash out at others.

Iroh also constantly reliving Lu Ten's death is an example of PTSD, which was first diagnosed in soldiers coming back from war. I'd say Jeong Jeong is a minor example because we don't know a ton about him, but we know he's a former soldier suffering from his experiences in the war which affects his reluctance to teach Aang an element he associates with terrible destruction.

#zuko #aang #katara #sokka #azula #iroh #jeong jeong

[living-morganism-101]

Deliciously Beautiful

When I was a little girl, I would pray to God that I would wake up the next morning with long hair and banana cream skin and light colored eyes. From a young age, I learned to denounced my darkness, my hot comb burned scalp, my crooked teeth and my desire to be wanted.

I have a crippling need to be constantly validated. Perhaps that is why I was so desperate for someone, anyone, to give me love. I thought that's what I was supposed to want. And for a time, I did. I just didn't want it from boys 4 times my age. But when you're nothing more than dirt underneath someone's shoe, you can't be too choosy. I had a lot of nerve to be ugly with high standards. But when I was little girl, I felt like a god. Some days, I still do. Only now, deep down, it lingers; the hatred for myself I pretend I don't carry.

If my father got one thing right about me, its that I was an attention whore. I wanted boys my age to touch me the way grown men did. I wanted boys my age to kiss me the way grown men did. I wanted boys to like me the way grown men did. But more than anything, I simply wanted to fit in.

This is your warning not to give up your power. Do not let others be the one make or break you. We are fragile and we hope and we are small and we are stupid and we are mortal and we are lied to and through all of that, we love. God, do we love. That is why we are so paper thin. When you give up too much of yourself, you find it easier to live in another human's skin. You search for missing parts of yourself in them, you rip them open and you slip inside them and the blood will make it messy, but fuck. There is an unexplainable peace in being whole, even if it means sucking someone else dry. It's shameful, it's delusional, it's madness, it's sinfully sweet. It's everything you want except for what you need.

Some 20-ish years later, I lay in a messy bed and ponder my existence, like any idiot would. I reached for my phone for the what felt like the millionth time. It was time for hourly ritual; flicking through every social media app my thumb can reach and showing myself lives I only knew a fraction of, but still wished were mine. Social media, I learned, is just an endless digital buffet of useless junk designed to make my brain feel more and more like a sack of wet sand.

I see your perfect little blog, with your perfect, slender fingers and even more perfectly coated crimson nails. Your perfect smile on your perfect lips. I wonder if you could give me the perfect kiss, if I asked kindly. 100 different scenarios run through my peanut sized brain on how I can have what you do. But I honestly didn't care too much about living your life more than I cared about wanting to eat it.

I wanted to savor you and digest you and scrape you off my plate. I wanted my fist full with your perfect hair. I wanted your flesh between my rotten teeth. I hoped that in consuming more perfect women, that I too would become "perfect". I, too, dreamed of becoming deliciously beautiful. Deliciously beautiful. What is it like to be so small and ever so consumable?

How funny is it that we can love a certain type of life, but hate who lives it? That should be me, you think. I thought I would be satisfied with just a taste, but I need more. I need the full meal, the whole body, bones and all. It's animalistic and it's feral. It's obsessive and I am struggling to contain it.

Contain it.

Honestly, I implore you to name an act more intimate, more symbolic, than eating all you desire? Perhaps in a past life I was a cannibal. How close am I to reliving that lifestyle in this lifetime?

#creative writing #spilled words #my poem #original poem #my writing #original writing #prose #prose writing #writers and poets #cannibalism #blood #social media #black #inferiority complex #writing #female writers #writers on tumblr #writeblr #writers of tumblr #living morganism #black writers #black writblr

[switchcase]

any advice to a system coming to terms with the fact that they experienced RA/OA? we’re experiencing a fair amount of denial from multiple parts that’s not helping us process anything as well as we need to

I think one big thing is understanding that if you are having a hard time calling it something (RA/OA being often triggering as words by themselves) or if you are simply unsure if it fits, then you do not have to call it that. I spent many years knowing some degree of what I experienced fit the definition, but did not call it that. Whatever you find most comfortable to call it, use that. I used to just say "group abuse" because "organized" felt too malicious and "ritual" felt too dread-inducing to even think about. I think this also helps a little with denial because if you are talking about your experiences as they are, then you aren't "lying" by calling it RA/OA, you just are talking about your experiences.

Do not read or look up anything related to RA/OA. Especially if you are feeling doubt about your memories. This way you run far less risk of triggering yourself, with the added bonus of the fact that you cannot copy or steal or misremember things if you haven't consumed anything about it. Most of my memories I or another part had already documented in some way before I started researching, so there was not a way I could have gotten it from research or by watching too many movies or something like that. Also, most resources are...very triggering and graphic since they are typically more meant for therapists to read than for survivors.

Having experienced RA/OA does not mean you are programmed. If you are afraid of this, please know it does not automatically mean you have programming, especially given the prevalence of OA in particular. Many survivors don't even develop DID/OSDD, and programming requires a decently high amount of resources. Not to mention a very specific kind of person.

Be mindful of the communities you are in and the people you are drawn to. It is very easy to end up in the same sorts of settings, in abusive power dynamics, and in new groups when you have survived it. If someone or something feels familiar, stop and take a deeper look at it. Not to say everything familiar is bad, but you should evaluate it.

Know that you do not have to delve into your trauma memories. In most cases, it is not a good idea to rummage around in your memories without a support system in place. And in most cases, you do not have to relive your trauma to heal from it.

If something hurts to look at or makes you feel bad or gives you a sense of dread, stop looking at it, do not touch it, don't poke it. Try not to think about it too deeply, try not to connect the dots. There may not be dots to connect, it could be something as simple as something in the periphery. But whatever it is, it is not a good idea to go around messing with it.

As backwards as it may sound, either avoid other survivors or interact with only ones further along in their recovery. Stick a group of people who have survived very similar things in a room but haven't processed any of it and you're going to end up with people triggering each other left and right. Especially within the context of RA where there is not a lot of originality across different groups. This will also help with denial because you won't be comparing yourself to people constantly.

If anyone else has other advice feel free to add on.

#ask #anonymous #ritual abuse #programming m .

[ezorzea]

babbling to the void

It's been almost two years since one of the shitter times in my life and I've gone through the therapizing, the medications, the breathing exercises, etc, but I cannot for the life of me find peace with it. It's been years. I haven't been able to talk to people since. I can't make friends. I'm paranoid. And I bring these things up during therapy time but I don't get anywhere with it. Early on in the healing process, I told myself I wouldn't dawdle on the silly stuff like anger or self-pity or anything like that but now I'm in the late stages where my grief has morphed into the seven-headed beast that slithers into my dreams and reminds me that I will never be able to trust people again.

Slightly off topic but after my friend died in 2017 I used to have dreams about her (this only stopped within the last year or so) where I would find her on the street, or at school, or she'd post something new on Instagram or something.. I'd wake up thinking she was still alive and then I'd relive her death all over again. This was multiple times a week. They weren't nightmares but they hurt me all the same. Anyway I finally stopped having those dreams after her brother died, and now that I don't dream about her anymore it feels like she died again. This isn't really important to the above stuff but it ties into why I can't heal from the above in some way, but I haven't quite figured it out yet.

I started having dreams about that situation too, and in the dreams of course everything is solved with a hug and an "I love you stop doing this to me we loved each other just remember already". These used to come to me every night, and slowly they've come to a close, but maybe once every other week or so I'll dwell on a memory for too long and it'll come to visit me when I fall asleep. Always painful. Always makes me want to die.

So mid 2021 I started smoking a LOT of weed LOL and that took the edge off of this. It still does. It kills my dreams too. It starts getting loud in my head and it's like yeah I just need to get high so I can forget about all of this. But after a year of smoking constantly to forget now I... can't really remember anything at all. My memory of the past 2 years is hazy. It wasn't even a bad two years. I just can't remember any of it. I feel like a shell of myself and I know that's just what continual heavy drug use does but if I don't do the drugs then I have to think and if I have to think then all I'm going to think about is abandonment, betrayal, heartbreak and killing myself. Like come on man. I'm 24. This should be over by now

I'm too old, too kind, too sweet, and too loveable to feel like this anymore. It's not kind to ezra to think about hurting myself. But I do. And ezra loves it, I love it, we love it together, we fantasize about going on the journey together, but I also made a promise early into this that I wouldn't hurt myself over this. Kinda failed that one. Drug use isn't not self harm. i don't know. heavy and loud and sad and empty inside of me sometimes.

Wish I knew if learning to hate these people would fix me. But the only person I've ever truly hated is my mother and after she died and I began to piece together that I never held anything for her besides contempt, it's made it harder to hate others. I can't hate anyone like I hated her. I can't even get close. I don't hate the people that abused me. I don't even hate my dad. Just her. Wish I could hate more so I could feel less.

So many people have tried to befriend me since this too and I've failed every single one of them. Every time I don't respond to a DM I feel so fucking guilty it could swallow me. It's just so hard to approach people now. I'm all twisted up and weird. Overall very happy though. just still drowning. lonely. everyone I loved died and then the rest of them turned on me over shit that was out of my control. It's 2 years later. I do have new people in my life. people that treat me right. and I do love them. why is that not enough? what's missing? what's wrong with me

#yeah you dont gotta read this

[fantasies-fairytales-n-fics]

Code Blue - Ch. 7 "Laid To Rest"

Summary: Jason's funeral takes place. A painful memory is relived. David is there to help Josie through the day. The after gathering receives an unexpected visitor which doesn't end well.

*Warning* Funeral scene, angst, language

Stories Stories Stories Masterlist

Salem, Massachusetts

February 9, 2023

Chapter characters: Josie, Jason, David, Lee, Amy, Emily, Britt

It was the day of Jason's funeral and you were in a complete disarray about every single thing on top of being irritable as hell with your anxiety. You dreamt of the explosion again and woke up sweating and silently screamed into your pillow so your mom wouldn't hear. You gripped the pillow so tight, pretending it was Lee.

Not to mention you were avoiding the determined detective who kept calling about getting your statement. The last thing you needed was reliving the nightmare of the explosion during this time, so you left him a voicemail and told him you would be in after the funeral sometime and to leave you alone. Then there was Lee....intrusive thoughts of him constantly.....feeling guilty for abandoning him, yet still angry and hurt over what happened. At least he had respected your wishes as you had not heard a single peep from him in the past five days.

You laid in bed for awhile reading through the fun texts you and Lee shared last week....and the you began typing a reply.

"Lee...it's Jo...I just wanted to say I am ok. I hope you are too and..."

You immediately deleted it and cried. Besides, if you had stupidly sent the pathetic text, he wouldn't have received it anyways since he now had another phone. You wondered if he even remembered your number....and if he was thinking about you too.

'Jason!" you cried and planted your face back into the pillow. The last memory you had of your brother played like a movie in your mind. It was just hours before the blast.

"Hey...got your message to meet you here."

"Hey, have a seat. You alright?"

"Yeah"

"You don't look fine Jo."

"Um I haven't been sleeping a lot. So...why am I here? Is something wrong?""

"I want to talk about my funeral arrangements if something ever happens to me...for mom's sake..and yours."

"You asked me here to talk about your funeral? Why are you talking like this Jay? Is something going down?

"That's not important. I just want you to promise me something."

"Ok??"

"I don't want you or mom to dress in some stupid tradition of all black with veils and sunglasses."

"You're kidding right? This is what you want to talk about? What I am supposed to wear to your supposable funeral? Jason March, what the fuck is going on?"

"Nothing Jo...I just want you to promise me that, that you'll put on some bling or something...and make mom do it too."

"Why not? That's all you wear?? Why couldn't we do that to honor you...IF you died?"

Jason Morgan March who solely went by Jason Morgan, had his own personal trademark consisting of a black tee, jeans, and a black leather coat who rode a Harley. He was 5'11, had striking blue eyes and spiked dirty blonde hair and was often referred to as stone cold by a mutual friend of yours and his, Spinelli, a computer genius with impressive hacking skills. Some might have thought the nickname was in reference to the professional wrestler Stone Cold Austin because Jason was brawny just like him and could kick anyone's ass without even flinching, but that wasn't why he earned that title. Jason truly could be stone cold. He had to be in his line of work. he didn't show much personality or feelings, unless it was with his close friends and loved ones, especially you, his baby sister.

"Come on Jo...can't you ever do anything I ask?"

"I think you know the answer to that. Now how about you tell me the truth? Something is happening and you feel like you might die. What has Sonny gotten you into this time??"

"Jo...for fucks sake. I am just asking a simple request like any other person might do for their arrangements. You know I am a high risk for dying."

"Well you're not any other person! You're my brother and you're in a life of crime so of course I am going to think the worst here! Something is going to happen. I can see it in your eyes. Is that what this is about? Just say it..."

And then 4 hours later, your brother was dead and you were in the hospital.

You couldn't think about it anymore and went to shower.

As you were getting dressed, you thought about how this day was going to suck in more ways than one. Britta, your best friend who was in love with Jason, couldn't make it as her chief of staff position required her to be at the hospital, but she promised to be at the after gathering....Emily's flight in from Ireland was delayed so she probably wouldn't be here in time for the service...but at least David would be by your side. He always was when possible. You had even invited Orlando to the after gathering just to be nice since the two of you had been friendly texting for the past four days after you had been at his place to get your hand fixed up. You had removed the bandage as the purple and blue bruising was fading to a soft yellow and green that was barely visible and it didn't hurt so much anymore either, but you still kept ice on it to help with the minor swelling. The last thing you wanted was Dave asking questions because you could not lie to him...but you knew for Lee...you would.

There was a knock at your door. "Josie...it's me. Can I come in?"

"Yeah Dave...I'm almost ready."

You were all dolled up just like Jason had wanted you to be, wearing some gaudy sparkly necklace of your mothers that stood out like a sore thumb. You had gotten your mom to dress extra nice too, like Jason wanted but you didn't tell her why. She didn't need to know Jason had pretty much knew he was going to die and that you were honoring his preplanned wishes. Yourself, being as stubborn as you were, compromised your dress's colors, with the top being black and the skirt being white.

David knew Jason too and was well aware of his mob relations, but as you already knew, most people were. The two weren't friends for obvious reasons but stayed civil for you, just like Dave was only there today for you.

"Wow, look at you. Beautiful as always."

You giggled at his irrepressible facial reaction.

You instantly became emotional at the also beautiful 6'1 sight of him.

Stupidly, you forgot you were holding an ice pack on your hand and now were going to have to lie your best friend, something you never did.

"Josie, what happened? Are you alright?" he asked in alarm.

"Dave, calm down. I am fine. It's just a little skating mishap."

"Josie, you don't have skating mishaps. You're an expert. The only time you ever hurt yourself is off of the ice."

Damn it, he knew you too well and you were going to have to do better to convince him so he would just drop it as you certainly were not going to tell him you almost broke it on another man's face.

"Well I do when my mind is not in the right place. I was there last week and just wasn't paying attention and fell on a land. Satisfied now?"

Of course he wasn't. "Josie, it could be broken. You need to get it looked at because knowing you, you didn't."

"No, I didn't because I told you, I am fine. It doesn't hurt much anymore."

"I'll be the judge of that as I'm the doctor here. Now let me see."

You humored him until he was finally happy.

"Can we go now?"

You were frustrated and began to cry. Dave was one person you were comfortable with crying in front of.

"Hey...sweetheart. Come here."

He held you so lovingly as he kissed the top of your head.

"Jo...Dave...it's time to go." Margaret called up the stairs.

You and your mom rode with Dave to the church. Margaret March adored David as much as you did...well, you were certain you did much more. He always had your back on everything but you knew there would be the first exception if he knew about Lee. You had been in relationships while you knew Dave, so it wasn't like you were afraid of him knowing that...it was just the fact that the others didn't work with Dave like Lee does. You just didn't want to cause Lee any more problems, even if you never saw him again...

The first thing you did was walk up to his closed casket and look at the photos you picked out of him. Your mom was too upset to look through them all, so she had asked you to do it....as if it were any easier for you. Two of them you focused on. Jason and Britt, a picture you took of them at a happy time. He loved her too but pushed her away to keep her out of danger. Exactly what Lee was now doing with you as he felt he was the danger. The other photo was an old and rare photo of you and him as he hated having his picture taken. There was another of Jason and your mom in her younger days with blonde hair. It cracked you up that she always got on you for dying your red hair blonde when she in fact had done it.

Then you through all the flowers to see who had been nice enough to send some. Most of them were red roses and carnations, but one stuck out to you. Yellow carnations, daisies, roses and deep purple lilacs.

The card read "To Jo and the March family. My deepest sympathy condolences. Dr. Lee Pace."

Your heart sank as your throat began to close. All you could think of was how had revealed he was the doctor who treated Jason when he was brought in the night of the explosion and how he had obviously blamed himself for not being able to save your brother. If only he knew that you did not blame him, not even a little bit. Then you wondered if that was the reason he sent them, out of guilt or if it was because he was trying to make things up to you for what he did....possibly both you figured. The fact that he even bothered meant a lot to you...but it didn't fix things.

You then went back and sat between your mom and Dave, talking with him until the service began. Megan sat on the other side of your mother. It really bugged the hell out of you that she was there but she had no choice. Your mom made her.

"Did you see Britt before you came? How is she holding up? I feel so bad for her that she couldn't get out of working to come say goodbye to Jason."

"Yeah, I stopped at the hospital on my way to your place. You know my sister, tough as nails."

That Britt Westbourne certainly was, especially being there the night Jason was brought in, yet she still sat with you in the waiting room before your panic attack, to make sure you were alright. You never understood how these two doctors could do it. You had seen what these things had done to them. You had seen what it had done to Lee.

"Have you spoke to the detective yet?"

"No... and I don't want to speak about it with you either Dave. Not here ok?"

"I know Josie, but you're going to have to. He's been persistent. I'll go with you if you want."

"No...I will do it alright?" you huffed. You didn't want him involved in any way.

The funeral had ended and you all went to bury him and then back to the house for the after gathering. You quickly ran upstairs and changed out of the uncomfortable dress into casual clothing and unraveled your hair from the braid, letting it hang loosely, then went back to join everyone.

Nurse Amy, Britt and Emily had finally showed up and you sat with them, catching up on things.

"So! All for mom's Irish cocktails, say I."

Translation. Jameson whiskey and ginger ale. You planned on having many of them to drown out this day.

Dave was in the kitchen making them. He was one hell of a bartender and you planned on having him make his midnight margaritas later as well.

Suddenly Dave came in empty handed.

"Uh Josie, Britt, Amy...why is Dr. Pace standing in the front yard?"

Your head whipped around to him so fast, you felt it crack.

Lee stood there, staring at the house, contemplating on going up to the door, unaware he had already been seen from the kitchen window.

You rushed outside to find him in quite a disarray. It was pretty cold out and he was only wearing a dirtied tee with an opened button down shirt over top.

"Lee? What are you doing here??"

"Didn't you get my texts? I sent you many of them. I..I need to talk to you."

He was a mess. He didn't appear drunk or high, but just rough around the edges and anxious.

"Jesus, Lee. Respectfully, you look terrible...and no, I didn't see your texts. I haven't been on my phone much at all today. What is going on?"

"Can you come back to the house with me?"

His eyes were tear stained and red, driving a knife right through your heart.

"Lee...I can't leave. Today was Jason's funeral, everyone is here. I think you knew that though, since I received your flowers. Thank you for that by the way. They are beautiful. I..I brought them home with me. We...we can talk right here, but only for a few minutes, I need to get back inside and you need to go. It's cold and you shouldn't be here. What do you want to tell me?"

You were trying to be as nice as possible to him since he already appeared in a bad way, but you still felt bitterness over what happened.

"Jo....I...I'm sorry."

The look on his face was so sincere but you weren't ready to accept his apology, even though you deeply wanted to.

"Are...did I...hurt you? Jo...I...I would never..." He paused as he saw you holding your wrist to hide the bruising.

"Lee...I..I don't want to do this right now. I asked you, no I told you to leave me alone. I can't take this Lee."

"All I wanted was to talk to you. To tell you how horrible I feel. It's been 6 days Jo. I haven't asked you for anything except for this."

He was becoming upset and so were you.

"I made my boundaries clear and you aren't respecting them. My god Lee, I just buried my brother and you want to come here today of all days just to ease your own guilt."

His reaction told you he agreed with you.

Just then Dave came out and came to your side.

"Dr. Pace." he greeted Lee in a respectful but leery tone and put his arm around you. "Is everything alright here?"

"Dr. Conrad. I..I didn't know you knew Jo. Are...you two...together?" Lee asked in a hurt tone as his eyes studied Dave's grip on you.

You began to laugh as his unjustified curiosity infuriated you.

"Not that it's any of your business, but if you must know....yes...yes we are."

Dave's eyes widened, leaving him speechless as you put your arm around him too.

Lee's physical response was a mixture of shock and that of having his heart plucked clean from his chest.

Were you trying to hurt him like he had you? Had he not suffered enough? These thoughts instantly plagued your mind but your walls of steel were in full force.

"I'm gonna need you to back off and leave, now."

Lee gazed at you with saturated eyes and his lips slightly parted in disbelief, then walked away in a dazed trance without a word.

You immediately felt sick and ran off behind the house crying. What did you just do? It had just came out of you, the cruel and stone cold side like Jason was capable of. You didn't want this...not at all. Part of you wanted to race after him, throw your arms around him and tell him you didn't really want him to go.

You were losing air as Dave came running up.

"Hey...Josie...are you ok? What was that all about? Why was he here?"

"Dave...I...I can't...I just can't..." you gasped and cried.

He didn't even say a word, just laid his hand on your face, then hugged you.

"It's ok...I'm here. You don't have to tell me."

David already knew from what he just witnessed and from your reaction that you had it bad for the obviously reciprocating doting doctor. It broke his heart but all that mattered to him was your happiness, even if it meant it would never be with him.

You went back inside and headed for the kitchen, chugging down a straight shot of whiskey. There on the table, your phone sat as you stared at it, then out of curiosity, you read Lee's previous texts.

"Jo...it's me...Lee. I need to see you. Please text me back."

"Jo...will you please talk to me? Can I stop by for a minute?"

"Ok...I am just going to swing by real quick. I just...I need to talk to you. I know you told me to stay away...but I..I can't."

You stormed off into your room, slamming the door and covered your mouth to hide your breakdown. What was happening to you? Why did it hurt so much?

The doorbell rang and then a few minutes later, there was a knock on your door from Britt.

"Josie...Dr. Bloom is here that you invited."

@redeemer46

#lee pace #lee pace fanfiction #love stories #dark stories #slow burn #slow build #code blue #david conrad #jason morgan

[writer-of-various]

Dempsey/Where Are We Going (2018)

"Where are we going?"

A side effect from 115 is lower intellect and memory lost, and these two symptoms have proved to be very strong on Dempsey as both versions have great difficulty on remembering directions and why he is doing what he is doing. He's confused and wants answers.

"Are we all blinded by fear?"

Dempsey would hardly admit out loud his fears, his concerns and worries, because he is scared of what the others would think of him. He tries being so strong, but what if reveals that he is vulnerable? Primis Dempsey is always afraid of something, but he puts on a brave face and stays silent.

"How do we know?"

How does Dempsey know he can follow Richtofen till the end? How can he be sure that when this is over, he would return to his home. Ultimis Dempsey can reunite with a family only one Dempsey managed to score. Primis would always be a military man, he has no one and feels that no one would want him and all his insecurities

"Need for survival is clear"

The crews show sympathetic feelings when they kill the Hellhounds, but if they don't they die. While the undead are constantly attacking them and loyal to Samantha, they know these undead individuals were once people. Dempsey would do anything to survive, and would do anything to ensure his team survives.

"And wander on and on and on"

Dempsey isn't remembering anything, but he knows that he has wandered miles and miles and he and the others never caught a break.

"Dust of a thousand years thrown on your path"

This refers to the universes being put together and time travel, history unfolding and being created, and being relived.

"Resuscitating life"

They are being brought back when they finally fall, they are to continue fighting for their life, and Dempsey isn't sure if it's a curse or blessing.

"How do we know, how do we know?"

Dempsey wonders if he truly is the only one to question everything, to not know the answer of everything thrown his way.

"Fire burns, all returns, ashes cleanse the ordinary woe"

Fire, whether it'll be the fire they built when venturing into a forest after winning the Great War, or the fire that surrounds Alcatraz and kills Dempsey more than once. Everything returns, from the dead and from the past. But will the ashes that escape the aftermath of a fire cleanse them from what they've done? Would it provide relief? Questions Dempsey keeps to himself.

"Do we let go all of we know?"

Dempsey is asking if he should just give up on trying to remember, it hurts him literally and he knows the others get annoyed with this memory loss issue. But he is afraid to let go of what he remembers, it's all he has left.

"Where do we go when we let go?"

Dempsey questions many things, but this is perhaps something he asks a bunch of times– because he has thought about what would happen if he just let go? If he gave up, where would he go? Would he be sent somewhere? Would it be heaven or hell? Is anything more hell than the things he has to face?

"I feel I'm falling, from here, don't let me go. Is it the calling, we hear, how do we know?"

Dempsey spirals, he isn't sure how to keep the crew together while dealing with his own issues that he's afraid to talk about: he's a Marine, he's supposed to be strong. But he needs someone to steady him, he needs someone to listen and not judge, he needs to be told that he's strong no matter what and that someone would always hold onto him, that someone will never let him go. No matter what. But he doesn't know, and perhaps he'll never know, because the tale of two Dempseys never had a happy ending.

#tank dempsey #cod zombies #easter egg song #elena siegman #ultimis and primis #primis dempsey #ultimis dempsey

[utilitycaster]

i wonder how much of the discourse surrounding the "ending" of c2 is due to the difference between the fanon and canon interpretations of the characters?

"caleb would never do this" and " jester would never do that" etc etc as seen on here and twitter. at some point the fanon version deviated so far that they're like two separate characters at that point.

Hey anon, so, I do agree that this is a thing that happens. Anyway you're getting a totally unasked for overview of my philosophy on fiction and the fandom engagement thereof; feel free to consider this a companion answer to this one, where that's a specific case and this is the probably way-more-zoomed-out-than-you-wanted picture.

I think fiction (and, honestly, literary/narrative nonfiction) should tell a story that can provide one with new perspectives and insight into the world that is vastly different from one's own. I think there is a place for a story that makes you feel wrapped up in a quilt as someone brings you tomato soup and a grilled cheese; but there is also a place for a story that makes you feel like you almost got pulled out by a riptide but barely made it back to shore as a nor'easter begins to blow in. And I think you'll be a better writer and person for favoring the latter.

I don't want stories that I could already come up with in my head, or that people who already think a lot like me and agree with me come up with in their heads. Or at least I don't want that to be the only thing, much as I would like a life where occasionally I get to have tomato soup with grilled cheese in bed but I also get to swim in the ocean.

I think there are a lot of unfortunately some loud voices in fandom spaces, and real literary spaces for that matter, who really do see fiction only as a comfort and not as a challenge, and I think that's a terrible way to approach the world, engaging only with soft toys and dull safety scissors well into your 20s and 30s and beyond. It's lifeless and stagnant. The problem is these people don't just read; they also write. And the only writing advice they actually follow is "write what you know", and so they write characters who are also flat and stagnant, constantly retreading the past and marinating in their own flaws; who are exact replicas of how they see themselves, instead of whatever is actually happening in the story on the page or onscreen.

That's where a lot of fanon comes from. As with fix-it fics, I'm not saying it's universally bad - few fictional tropes are, honestly - but fanon (and transformative works in general) that I consider good expands a character, adding details that just didn't need come up in the story but which make you go "oh, yeah! that makes complete sense from what we know!" Transformative works I think are often bad - not in a moral sense, in a sense of being interesting and engaging to others and well-written and enjoyable - contract them and warp them to fit the creator's projections and desires and nothing else. Caleb's revenge fantasy has nothing to do with Caleb, the character who was onscreen for 141 episodes, and everything to do with Caleb, the character whose backstory we knew by episode 18 and then people decided that The Right Thing To Do was to enact their personal revenge fantasy and they just ignored everything that wasn't that. I don't know what people have to say about Jester's ending; I've never actually seen any explanation of what Jester's Secret Better Ending would be, because frankly that would require those people to consider Jester as a character with her own motivations.

Anyway. I feel like I sound like some kind of mid-90s Drop Everything And Read library poster but like. You could experience anything! You can fly twice as high! Why are you trying to relive your own limited corner of the world over and over? Do you think that dealing with difficult topics or alternate points of view in fiction will make those things happen in real life? Is your own sense of self and morality that tenuous, that you need to only see that, ad infinitum, and any foreign influence or new idea will shatter it? That sounds like a bleak existence, pal.

So yeah a lot of fanon is barely connected to the original and it's written by small-minded and uncreative people who don't even remember what the original was, because they just see a character, latch on to some vague initial details, and then stop listening and fill in an image of themselves and plug their ears or vehemently defend their terrible and immature taste when you point it out. Personally I recommend not engaging with fandom on Twitter because it's hard to convey all of the above in 280 characters and because it's a platform that rewards Loud and Stupid over anything else but it would be really funny to be like. Ok, what would Caleb do? What would Jester do? Because, for what it's worth, I have seen posts about why Caleb would actually do revenge, and it goes like this "Caleb wouldn't do this because I relate to him and I wouldn't." Every single time. And it's very hard to have a meaningful conversation with someone who doesn't understand that other people aren't them, even less so online, but at least if you can get things to that point you know they have nothing to say about the actual story that happened.

#on fandom #cr tag #long post #god like. there's an essay from sex drugs and cocoa puffs that i feel covers how reality tv made people like this #idk if it's true but like. the idea of wanting to be the archetype irl instead of recognizing it as a story tool #the blurring of the line between one's self and the story #bc projecting and relating is good! you want to care about the story! but you also need to understand it as separate

[salarta]

Polaris' Biggest Obstacle: Jordan D. White

You've seen me complain about how the X-Men comics office treats Polaris/Lorna Dane for a while.

You've seen me point out how important being a survivor of the Genoshan genocide, one who had to relive those final moments constantly until the X-Men found her in Genosha's ruins, is to Lorna as a character.

You've watched as the X-Men comics office refused, and refuses, to acknowledge this essential part of her character history.

This problem has existed for over 15 years now. It's not new. But what is new, is that Lorna fans have been making its importance very clear for several years now. The X-Men comics have been addressing Genosha more and more since 2019, while excluding Polaris, and there's exactly one person to blame for this.

That person is current X-Men comics editor Jordan D. White. He's been deliberately undermining Polaris whenever he has his hand in anything involving her, based on his own biases against the character.

This isn't an accusation based on nothing. I have receipts.

Let me first give you a little background on this man. I've always said you need to know what you're fighting to figure out how to deal with it. We don't need to dive very deep right now. Just the essentials.

Like most editors at Marvel, he got his start as an assistant editor in the mid-00s. He worked his way up that chain, working as an editor for several books until eventually becoming senior editor of the X-Men comics in 2018. However, it wasn't until during COVID that read the original run of X-Men comics. That includes Lorna's introductory issues of X-Men #49 - #50.

Before I delve any further into the history lesson, let me take a detour. Into what he thinks of Polaris.

I was, quite frankly, not planning on ever pointing this out publicly. I intended to keep it to myself because he was replying to me, and it felt wrong to use his willingness to talk with me against him.

But things have changed. He's shown he has no respect for Polaris or any fans of her, and gives zero fucks about the impact of his actions in this regard. So I will likewise exhibit zero fucks in using this. I've been holding on to this for years. And now it's coming out.

In 2018, the year he took over as senior editor of the X-Men comics, Jordan White responded to tweets I was making that complained about how the comics were treating Lorna. First, he replied to one I had written directly to him. But then he found and replied to one of my tweets where I had not tagged him.

This is the exchange. It was a typical tweet for me. I said Lorna is underused, underrated, and deserves way more than Marvel gives her.

He didn't like that.

Below, are screencaps of the most critical bits.

At the time, I made a critical mistake: I let myself believe he actually meant any of this. I let myself think that since he was willing to talk with me, that must mean he's being honest. It must mean he's trying to be considerate, and understand where I'm coming from. It must mean he really does care, but he has a lot to juggle.

I was fucking wrong. This was him covering his ass. Every step of the way. He's made it more apparent with every year he's been an editor.

This is where I start to take his lies apart.

Let's go back now. To his history.

Jordan White did several comics before he become X-Men senior editor. Guess which X-Men comics he did before 2018.

At least as early as 2011, White was an assistant editor of Peter David's long second X-Factor run. White was also assistant editor for Lorna's origin issue, X-Factor #243. However, he didn't have much power yet - because he was still just an assistant. He was still under Daniel Ketchum, and sometimes working alongside other editors. However, that changed toward the end of that second X-Factor run. By the end, he was an editor.

Now here's the million dollar prize for you all.

After that run ended, Marvel announced a new X-Factor. This run, All-New X-Factor, would be Polaris very first time running a team as its intended leader. She had been a leader on prior occasions, from 90s X-Factor when Havok was gone to her time on Genosha.

Guess who served as editor for All-New X-Factor.

Come on. Guess.

That's right. You guessed it. The main asshole himself: Jordan D. White.

You might be thinking to yourself: wait a second, if this is Polaris' time to shine as leader, then doesn't him serving as editor for this book mean he was actually in support of Lorna? That he was trying to give her a shot?

Oh how naive. How sweetly, sweetly naive. The problem, dear reader, is that you're assuming Peter David went at this project with good intentions all around.

He didn't. He royally fucked up the book. He killed it. He destroyed every ounce of possible real win Lorna could have gotten out of this book. If All-New X-Factor had succeeded, with REAL editorial precision and care, it could have continued on. And Polaris would be in a much, much better place today.

To understand this, you have to understand how he fucked up the book.

The book and its whole concept actually started out very well. Lorna formed the team under Serval Industries. She recruited Gambit. Pietro joined under the company's guidance. So far so good.

Then... we get to the rest of the book.

Here's Lorna depicted as so randomly unhinged that she's about ready to slaughter a cat for scratching her.

Here's Gambit written with the POV of Lorna being shittily unhinged and unfit for leadership, not listening to or working with her teammates, just doing shit.

Here's Gambit acting like the actual leader of the team, Lorna clearly not wanting Danger to join but ending up having to accept her anyway cause Gambit wants her.

Here's Lorna trying to give the team some orders, only for Gambit to be written as single-handedly deciding what she, the team leader wants to do, must be stopped.

Here's yet another case of Gambit written as "putting his foot down" on Lorna, who's supposed to be the team leader, and... wait, what? Gambit gets to do this and Lorna DOESN'T rearrange his face or chew him out, in direct contradiction to how she was written with the cat and with Danger in prior issues?

And lastly, here's Gambit making the offer to Cypher and Warlock for them to join X-Factor, with Lorna just backing him up.

This is supposed to be Lorna's team. She's supposed to be the leader.

Why the fuck is she being depicted as if she wouldn't know how to lead her own ass to water, let alone lead a team? Why is Gambit being presented as if he's moreso the leader than her?

Oh. That's right.

But wait. There's mooooore! We have a bonus round of White dickery.

Jordan White around on this book as editor until All-New X-Factor #14 - the issue where Wanda showed up to interact with Lorna shortly before the Axis retcon, and the point at which Marvel announced they had cancelled ANXF.

When the issue starts up, for a moment there it looks like it just might have a shot of having Lorna and Wanda work out any issues they have concerning M-Day when Wanda had depowered many mutants including Lorna.

For a moment there, we were about to get some actual discussion and development! Something tangible! They could've just got through this, came to an understanding, and that's a wrap.

But then, on the very next page...

A... a renaissance faire?

They're going to a renaissance faire?

They're going to a renaissance faire.

They have real issues to work through and they're going to a renaissance faire instead. What the fuck.

After this issue, the remaining 6 issues got handed off to a different editor to finish it up. The damage had been done. He had "successfully" ruined and killed Lorna first and to date only chance she's ever had, in over 50 years, to lead a team book of her own.

At the time ANXF was coming out, Peter David provided interviews where he talked up how excited he was to write Gambit. He also talked about how he thought Danger would be ANXF's break-out star. I'm not saying any of that is true or false. I'm not in his head, I don't know what he was thinking.

But to me, it seems very, very odd for a writer to take a character he had written at various points across two decades, give her an opportunity to stand on a pedestal as a book's intended team leader for the first time, and then fuck her up royally to promote other characters.

No. I think what likely happened, behind the scenes, is that Jordan White absolutely abhorred the concept of Polaris leading a team of her own and getting out from under the shadow of "Havok's girlfriend."

According to Jordan D. White, X-Men senior editor and self-proclaimed expert on Polaris' viability for meaningful use (despite the fact he knows dick all about her in any real way), Lorna doesn't "deserve" such opportunities. According to him, Lorna doesn't have fan demand, editorial interest, or writer interest for her to become a star in the X-Men comics, and so doesn't deserve any of the good and fair treatment so many other characters got and get all the time.

A view of his that was shut down quite readily with her winning the X-Men vote to be on the main team in 2020. Which, quite honestly, I'm surprised he actually honored instead of lying through his teeth to claim she lost. Maybe there was too much oversight for him to get away with that.

But the X-Men vote matter will come up in a future post. If it's needed. I have more receipts in that vein to present if Jordan White forces me to put them out there.

#polaris #lorna dane #x-men #marvel #jordan d white #bias #editorial bias #editorial mandates #scarlet witch #wanda maximoff #x-factor #all-new x-factor #editorial dickhood #magnus family

[lochrannn]

Hi thanks so much for answering my first ask!

I just had one other question-how do you write your characters in your fanfics? Like, I constantly struggle with writing Klaus and Lila in character, and just in general how the siblings would react to different situations. Is there a way to fix this? (is it just rewatching the show until i get sick of it lol).

TLDR it's hard to write some of the siblings in character and especially Lila. In your fic writing experience, how do I fix/get better at this?

I have honestly never thought about it, so what I'm going to say now is an attempt at explaining what I presume is subconsciously going on.

(I don't write anything other than fanfic, and haven't really written for anything other than TUA in more than a decade).

So, I think there's basically three mechanisms at play and one basic fact that I think just might help more than any other: I was born eleven months before the wonder babies, so when the show came out, I was almost exactly the same age as the character. I'm going to assume that helped a lot with me being able to relate to them, and also it was one of the reasons I loved the show from the get go. Messy millennial failures? Yes please.

So yeah, what I think I do in trying to write in character:

A) Close observation. I don't think you need to watch the show till you get sick of it, but maybe rewatch some pivotal scenes that you think are both typical for the character and that give you a lot to work with to see how they react to other people. How do they react to provocation, are they the type to do some provoking themselves, do they seem confident, are they insecure? Are they sharp in conversation, insightful, or rather clueless?

B) ask yourself is there a part of you that you feel is similar to the character whose perspective you want to write from and tap into that. I write a lot of Diego and Lila and I tap into the person I am in the shower when I'm reliving an argument and can manage all the snappy and almost aloof answers I wish I had had in the moment to put myself in Lila's shoes. I write Diego from the way I actually am in arguments; I won't back down but I will say some really dumb shit to try and keep my end of the discussion up.

C) I think I have maybe two or three adjectives I could pull out of a hat that I think describe the characters and not much more than that. Maybe two obvious ones and one less obvious one that I think might inform some of the subtext. But I also don't overthink it or have long character studies. People might think of themselves as having this consistent personality but I think that's as much a story we tell ourselves as anything else and so it is totally fine for characters to do stuff out of character as long as you can see a world where they would justify it as something normal for them. And then it's something that can drive the story.

Right, I can't promise you any of this is really helpful, because I'm not sure to what extent I really do this. Though life is currently making it hard to for me to just sit down and fuck around with a fic (not least because I've already written quite a lot and then the things I want to say that want out have become fewer over the past year), I always found it easy to have a general plot idea and then just fill in the gaps with some balance of action and character stuff. I didn't particularly plan ahead, just wrote what I thought I would like to read and wished someone else had written.

Oh, also, a lot of what makes up a character can be included both in their own pov narration or in someone else's when they think about them. (I obviously don't know ow how you are planning to go about it but I always found it useful to switch pov from section to section to give a broader look at a situation, especially if you don't have like one character that the story is focused on.

So yeah, what version of the characters would you like to see presented on a fic? Write that!

#writing advice? #character meta #the umbrella academy

[dean-winchester-is-a-warrior]

Hi there! 🙌 I'm here to ask you some writing questions! ❤️ Are you ready? Let's go! ✍️

🎢 Which of your fics would you call your wildest ride?

🎶 Do you listen to music while you write? What song have you been playing on loop lately?

🧠 Pick a character, and I'll tell you my favorite headcanon for them. -> Soldier Boy, please 💚

🤯 What's a genre you struggle with as a writer (ex. romance, action, etc.)?

Fanfic Writer Emoji Ask

Oooh! Thanks for the ask, my lovely Ava! Let's see if I can manage to not ramble like a goof - I sincerely doubt it. 😁

(Psst - I definitely didn't manage it, so join me below the cut if you wanna read the answers; let's save dashboards! ❤️)

1 - Which of your fics would you call your wildest ride?

That's tough, cause it depends. If we're talking which of my fics is the wildest in terms of imagery and subject matter, then I'd go with In No Mood for Games. It's a demon!dean x reader fic and it's one of the dirtiest fics I've ever written (besides maybe I Warned You) and it kind of went far out of my comfort zone, which was the whole point to me writing it. I still have a fair amount of shyness deep down when it comes to writing smut, so I joined the AFK Bingo as a way to write away my shyness when it comes to writing smut. 😊

But in terms of wildest emotional ride, I think that has to be Green is My Favorite Color (and it's sequels) just because over a series, of course, there are so many emotions, and since this one is canon-adjacent, it definitely has LOTS of feels and fluff. 😊

Huh...nope can't not ramble. 🙄😏

2 - Do you listen to music while you write? What song have you been playing on a loop lately?

I actually don't listen to ANYTHING when I'm writing. I need silence. Lol! If there's noise in the background when I'm trying to write, I put white noise on in my headphones. I'm really weird like that. 🤷‍♀️Music definitely inspires me and gives me ideas about what I want to write. But when it comes to actually doing the work, I need to be able to completely fall into the story I'm writing and have no distractions of any kind.

As to what song I'm listening to on a loop, it's pretty much the whole Radio Company concert on a loop, with extra listens to Watching Over Me and Any Way That You Want Me. 😁

3 - Pick a character, and I'll tell you my favorite headcanon for them. -> Soldier Boy, please

I don't know if I could call it my favorite headcanon, cause it's pretty awful, but I believe it completely:

When he's in the cryotube, he is almost constantly plagued by nightmares, reliving the torture he endured yes, but also reliving all the times he killed someone innocent.

When SB is fighting he's reckless and power mad, kind of just out of it (I mean, specifically, before he was given to the Russians) but I don't think he ever means to actually hurt innocent bystanders. Consciously he's put on this laissez-faire, who cares , what can I do about it attitude (like his smarmy little "which one" when MM tells him, "you killed my family.")

But I think the guilt lingers in his subconscious. We see it just briefly when he's talking to Hughie and says, "I didn't mean to hurt those people." I think after all that time in the cryotube, his subconscious guilt is closer to the surface when it comes to that kind of thing. Of course now, he's exploding whole buildings, so that guilt has to be growing. And, I think, when he's in the cryotube that pain and guilt is where he lives most of the time. I think it's one of the main reasons he was so panicky about going back there, it's not just sleep - it's endless nightmares.

And some people may think he's earned it, but I just don't. I think there are VERY few who people who do deserve something like that. I think if you want people's attitudes and mindsets to change, they have to be taught, and allowed to grow. Which is something Ben has never been given the opportunity to do. His upbringing, society in his era, and then forty years of torture, kept him from being allowed to grow and let his social values change as a result.

Sorry, I'll get off my SB soapbox. 😁 *Makes a note to get back into the swing of my series Let Me See Inside.* Ugh, I hate when our muses just decide to abandon us when we need them! 😄

4 - What's a genre you struggle with as a writer (ex. romance, action, etc.)?

I really only write in the genre of romance (well, pretty much) but I'll tell you what SCENES I struggle the most to write, and that's action scenes. It can be SO hard to make everything clear to the reader. I see exactly what's happening, but sometimes conveying that sequence of events can be REALLY hard for me. 😄 I'm always terrified I'm leaving readers scratching their heads, completely confused where everyone is situated, and wondering wtf is going on. 😜

Well, I'm so sorry for my unabridged, rambling, meandering thoughts. But thank you so much for the ask, my lovely. It's always fun to think about and talk about writing and our favourite stories and characters. 😘

#writer asks #writer ask game #ask answered #let's talk about writing